#y'all this shit is literally too fucking sad

[elusiveweekend]

so maybe i was feeling angsty so i wrote a one shot in 40 mins... im just a girl... (i need to be hospitalized)

[simptasia]

being in the DS9 fandom, you'll discover there are so many ways for people to be wrong about julian bashir

[the-hopeful-squid]

I wanna talk about this scene from the trailer, because it is SO IMPORTANT and I'm not seeing anyone address why?? But?? It's SO GOOD

This scene.

Y'all.

This. Scene.

This scene is fucking scathing.

Before I get into it too deep, I do want to pause and acknowledge something: Gi-hun may very well be low-key suicidal, after everything he has been actively put through by In-ho and co. He's definitely got some major depression, and probably a mountain of survivor's guilt weighing him down.

But this scene? This is not Gi-hun trying to die.

Gi-hun is not just sad, here.

Gi-hun is furious.

And he is calling In-ho the fuck out.

In front of everyone. In front of the players. In front of the guards.

Gi-hun is calling the Front Man out on his shit.

Gi-hun is asking a question the Front Man cannot answer.

Not without admitting he, the Front Man, is the hypocrite.

Not without admitting he broke his own supposed moral code and then spit on the pieces.

Why?

Because Gi-hun lost their game.

Didn't he?

The Front Man killed everyone else in the rebellion Gi-hun led.

Gi-hun lost the game, then, too, and the rules set up by the games - the rules that they make the players sign literal contracts agreeing to - state that losing players die.

And Gi-hun lost.

So why is Gi-hun still alive?

The Front Man cannot answer that question, and Gi-hun knows it.

Gi-hun lost the game, and he is alive.

The very fact of Gi-hun's survival here shows that In-ho is the one with no respect for his own supposed morals.

Gi-hun's survival shows that the Front Man is a liar.

The Front Man, the games, all those people sitting pretty at the top looking down on the supposed 'worthless scum' they murder for sport every year?

They are all hypocrites and liars.

They pretend they're leading a perfectly reasonable, fair system that all these poor, desperate people totally agreed to, in which only winners get to live and losers all agreed to die.

And they are lying.

The only philosophy they really care about is this: If they have power and you don't, they get to do whatever they want and then blame you for their choices, and you can't do anything to stop them. Neener neener, sucks to be you, don't you wish you had power so that you could get to pick who lives and who dies?

And Gi-hun has proof of that now that everyone can see (whether or not they choose to see, the evidence is there) (and the question is ultimately for the Front Man, anyway - are you going to answer, In-ho, or are you going to hide away like a coward from the truth of who you really are?).

He lost the game, but he's still alive purely because the Front Man doesn't want him dead.

Gi-hun can stage a rebellion, refuse to play by the rules, grab a gun in a guard's hand and point it right at his own face, and he's still alive because the Front Man said so.

And that proves that the Front Man could choose to let any of these people live, if he wanted to. He just doesn't give enough of a fuck about any of the rest of them to let them live, when letting them die for these games they were conned/kidnapped into is easier for him.

[cinellieroll]

☆ more random obey me headcanons !

characters: the demon brothers! <3

small note: i am back. and i will disappear once more after this..also i apologize for the VERYYY LATE upload. i am not dead and i wont die until om fandom comes back to life i tell ya 😤😤

cw: none! :p

☆ lucifer:

- occasionaly has thoughts of getting a german shepherd but cerberus would get EXTREMELY PISSED if he did. also another reason why he refuses to let satan keep cats in the house. cerberus will gobble them up in less than a millisecond.

- has a pretty high libido (as if it isn't already obvious in the game..) he really enjoys taking out his stress on you everytime he gets the chance. buckle up buttercup ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

- one if his biggest secrets is keeping like a few albums of him and his brothers back when they still lived in the celestial realm. he keeps em hidden realll good

- sometimes asks levi or mammon to help him with his D.D.D

- "mammon, help me with this." "levi, why is my screen stuck like this?" "lucifer you paused the video-"

- he likes silk pajamas :3 he also can't STAND sweatpants for some reason.

- once a week, he dedicates atleast an hour or two grooming his own wings and his horns. there's a lot of occasions where he transforms in his demon form for parties and such.

- reads newspaper while taking a shit. guys dont argue with me on this its real.

- he has cold lips but his kisses are always very passionate with you!

- very well mannered everytime he's on the dining table and eating. y'all will never catch him spill a single food on the table or his clothes.

☆ mammon:

- eats with his hands sometimes when he's alone. and if someone ever finds out his excuse is always "so what? sometimes eating food with your hands is a better way to savor the taste." and i completely agree with him

- cleans his jewelry a lot. he wants them dazzling that people will do a double take when they see his mega awesome drip. like "haha yeah yall cant beat me on this baby" type shit

- cooks the BEST beef curry. the level of spice is perfect-o and beel always pesters him to make it.

- during family photos, he's always the one doing silly poses. he does hand stands, he has his ass out on display, he's ON THE FLOOR

- always man spreading in class. like you can literally see him chewing on his pen from across the room with his legs sprawled out

- you know that empty feeling you get after watching a movie? double that and give it to mammon. man takes it HARD especially if it was a sad movie that he watched. he'll feel empty for a gooooddd while

- always breaks his earphones, so when d.d.d airpods came out he got really happy and bought like 6 pairs (he ended up breaking all of them too)

- blasts music like crazy when he works out and lucifer absolutely HATES his music style and thinks it's unsanitary and inappropriate. like ok whatever you old fucking hag

- doesn't close the bathroom door after he uses it LIKE BITCH CLOSE THAT SHIT RN

- follows all of his fan accounts on devilgram ugh my boy <33

☆ leviathan:

- there's just like random times where he'll suddenly remember all of his past cringe phases. and it like appears on the most random times it's actually pissing him off

- always fantasized about creating character designs for simeon ever since he found out he was the creator of TSL

- he has a bad habit of HOLDING IN HIS PISS. yes he holds them in. he developed this habit ever since he got addicted to gaming. luckily for him he's a demon but boy if he was human he would've gotten kidney problems by now.

- levi would never ever admit it but he enjoyed getting spun around by mammon when they were still kids. like mammon grabs his arms then just spins him around and stuff

- sleeps with his headphones on and now he can't sleep without it. he's just like me jujujuju

- he really likes alex g :3

- sometimes he wishes he was a magical pop star girl performing for people on stage because they always look so happy when he watches them

- loves being the little spoon so much. sometimes it's awkward with him when he's the big spoon because he's either trembling or really stiff like a log

- he enjoys kissing your cheeks the most because he's convinced he'll melt if he tries kissing you on the lips

- has a hidden album on his phone of stolen shots of you doing the most random shit ever. eating, sleeping, showering..💀

☆ satan:

- even when it's freezing cold, his feet are always peeking out of his blanket. can't sleep without his bare feet hanging out.

- doesn't need reading glasses but insists on buying them because he thinks it fits the detective aesthetic. unfortunately he loses them a lot and no one knows why

- besides lucifer, satan is very sleek and neat when putting on neck ties

- had a phase where he absolutely despised coffee and tea because he found out lucifer enjoyed it. deep down he knew he enjoyed them too and it'd be one of the reasons for his constant rampages..

- started enjoying lofi music ever since levi introduced him to it.

- out of all the brothers, satan feels the most comfortable crying in front of mammon the most. (can i get some big brother mammon appreciation out here? 😔)

- he's the type to practice his lines in front of the mirror before asking you out on the date! he just wants everything to be perfect for you and yes sometimes he messes up but it's your fault for being too pretty

- worked as a librarian once as a part time job and lemme tell you..sales went high as fuck after that and the manager even BEGGED him to stay for longer. (which he did, as long as he got to have free books :p)

- tried the "which of the seven brothers are you?" quiz and got lucifer.

- is very skilled with the piano and even made a few pieces that reminded him of you <3

☆ asmodeus:

- really enjoys ear piercings and even got one himself!

- owns a clothing brand in the human world and even tried making you the co-owner. it's a really big success and he uses the money to buy you gifts

- can't go a day without kissing you atleast once! he feels like his lips would dry if doesn't get to even leave a peck on you

- does that back arch thing in his room when he's bored 👀

- bought so many makeup products once to the point lucifer banned makeup in HOL for like a month 💀 asmo held a grudge for a while because he was lowkey kinda conscious of his appearance when he'd go outside. especially when he's in front of you! ;((

- second most followed user on devilgram! (top one is diavolo lol)

- if he had to choose a favorite makeup brand from the human world it's either the ones with the cute packaging (ex: flower knows, too faced) or the high end brands like dior

- changes bed sheets like twice a week because it's either he can't stand the feeling anymore or found a new inspo on devilgram

- says he's not easily influenced on buying new things like mammon or levi but the moment he sees something go viral he's already purchasing 10 of them. (and posts it on his feed to gain those likes)

- crop dusts every now and then

☆ beelzebub:

- finds those gross ass thirst trappers who sexualizes food nasty asf and is a big donutdaddy hater

- wins awards from eating competitions a lot and always ALWAYS spoils you and belphie first

- always the viewer in situations where one of the brothers fight w eachother. mans always there for some reason so lucifer always approaches him first when smth happens lol

- sometimes he goes overboard with body sprays

- he likes hand made accessories/jewelry. belphie was the one who made his choker on his everyday outfit and cherishes it everyday

- he thinks tongue piercings are cool but never went out of his way to get one

- buys burger merch or any food merch in general lol

- he was never really the type to care about his own appearance and only did the bare minimum to make himself look presentable. but sometimes he does feel insecure when people get too intimidated by him, especially when it's you.

- "mc, you're not afraid of me right? i won't hurt you. i promise"

- majority of the time he's the one who fixes belphie's bed and cleans his side of the room so lucifer won't get mad at him

☆ belphegor:

- has no shame in stealing pillows from furniture shops and always gets away with it

- unintentionally says the most sassy remarks ever and stares at you when you call him out for it

- being the youngest, he doesn't really need to go shopping for his own necessities because one of the brothers already buys it for him before he can even step out of the house

- when you'd go back to the human world, he'd always gaze up at the stars and wonder how you're doing and if you're getting enough sleep

- always constipated like idk he just seems like the type to only shit once a week lmfao

- one time (or two..or three) he accidentally used a different toothbrush that belonged to one of the brothers because he was half asleep

- hates the feeling of jewelry on him because he thinks it's just in the way. especially hates earrings because it's a nuisance when he sleeps.

- HORRIBLE driver and can't drive for shit. crashed mammon's car once because he fell asleep. and his in defense was because traffic was so long smh

- he can't live without his cardigans. always wears long sleeved shirts unless it's summer season in the devildom and settles for loose shirts. he also has a habit of pulling his sleeves that it nearly covers his whole hand

- very calming singing voice. back when he was still in the celestial realm, a bunch of angel kids would approach him at night, telling him to sing lullabies for them to help them sleep <3

note: had to repost :P ALSO TY FOR 73 FOLLOWERS! hiphiphorey

[jessieliveblogs]

The thing about so many people being mad at Izzy's death is that they have no fucking media literacy.

Did it make you sad? Does it feel unfair?

YEAH! THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!

It is sad. It's unfair, even.

But what it's NOT is bad writing or "bury your gays" or cruel to the viewers.

You dumb shits.

"But Izzy is disabled!" So are Lucius and Ed.

"But Izzy was suicidal!" So was Ed.

"But Izzy was an elder queer who came out later in life!" (Debatable but) So was Stede.

"But Izzy was abused!" So was literally everyone.

Y'all just don't want death to happen to your favorite characters. Which is FINE and a very NORMAL response but you're doing way too fucking much.

It's like when Noah died in The Raven King and people were sending the author abuse about it. Like SOMETIMES SAD THINGS HAPPEN! If everyone got off scot free and no one suffered consequences you'd get the end of Breaking Dawn. Which NO ONE can argue was 'good writing'.

I don't know man, it's like you're allowed to be sad your fave died but this witch hunt, this crusade of virtue signaling trying to assign your bad feelings to some Great Bigoted Crime of Problematacy is just fucking ponderous

[itsrlymine]

girlie I've been scrolling around on tumblr and there are so many bloggers hating on you 😭 (especially from that fuck methods post). they call you self entitled, insecure and also that you are too apathetic and have no compassion for other

see how they are talking about me and i don't even know who you are referring to? exactly. i don't know why people are bothered. when i don't like what people say about manifesting or anything in life, i move the fuck on with myself. when i don't like people, i don't sit there and talk about them. they literally don't exist to me. they are mad bc i'm telling y'all not to depend on anything but yourself. i can't even see their posts if i wanted to bc tumblr knows better than to show me bs. fuck methods and fuck yourself if you feel sad about me telling people they don't have to to shit to manifest. wtf. meanwhile, on this page people are manifesting romantic relationships, better families, houses, money and all kind of shit bc they understood that they are all they need. fucking losers. lemme post more success stories to prove how selfish and inconsiderate i am when it comes to the law omgg

[luv-lock]

Have you ever thought maybe the reason that there's a rise in far right, are retards like you?

And no I'm perfectly fine and healthy unlike you because I bet you hit your head when you were a kid. And that's sad because your mommy didn't loved you enough to look after your ass. That's explain why you turn out like this.

A whore is a whore. Just like a teacher is a teacher and a doctor is a doctor. Doesn't matter the gender. I call men whore too. And yeah the job of people matter when it's come to their opinions. That's why you go to a doctor when you're sick. That's why people watch someone like Destiny when it's come to politics and not Mia Khalifa.

About the misogyny thing, the fact that you think you have the right to tell me what to do and what to say is misogyny, bitch.

And why calling a whore, a whore make me a hypocrite? I just wrote only fic when it's come to this type of things and it's literally about a girl who's life was ruined by men around her, it's not something that she's proud of, it's something she have to do to survive. Because that's how women like that live. Funny how retards like you want to celebrate the misery of women and yet you call yourself a feminist. But ofc you're a fucking retard so you don't understand what this life is like, y'all see the "sex work" as only these only fans bitches who make millions of money and are proud of it. There's two different worlds but you only see one of them. Who's the hypocrite here?

Btw just so you know, the word "sex work" was made up by pimps to normalize trafficking women and children.

Now let's get to your bullshit about soldiers. First of all I have said I, do you hear me, "I" have respect for soldiers. And I probably know more than you when it's come to that matters because I bet you're just a karen who's mad at world because daddy and mommy didn't love you enough. And you're trying to tell yourself that you're a good person because you go around policing people, and being a piece of shit.

Yk there was a protest in Iran for women rights, after they killed Mahsa Amini because of her hijab. And yeah I was there, and I was fighting for my rights. What have you done for women rights huh? Did you bought a blue bracelet and shave your head? Omg so brave. Fucking clown.

And you know who were people that helped us to escape? They were soldiers!

Yeah they had to do what government told them to. They were forced into it. And yet they would still help people. I was shoot in the foot and it was a soldier who hide me from others until my cousins found me.

Interesting how you call me misogynist when I literally bleed for my rights. Go fuck yourself bitch.

Retards like you are the reason that people are turning against the left. You did that to yourself. Now cry about it.

[thestraydogsarehere]

Manjiro Sano x Reader HC's that are extremely self indulgent

happy 9 am, guys. just here to assure you that i am alive and well, and that i am - in fact - back on my bullshit.

Premise: Mikey is very autism coded and no i will not elaborate. god forbid i have a hobby. Anyways, Mikey and his autistic behaviors x an also autistic reader. the reader borders on being high support needs, while Mikey is more low support needs. reader is gn <3

-Mikey will crash tf out if a food has two textures combined that he deems as not compatible. Fullblown starts throwin punches.

-He also only wears clothes of specific textures. He probably HATES the feeling of corduroy, lace, and velvet.

-Tags on his clothes need to be appropriately removed or he will rip the shirt clean off in frustration.

-He hears electricity, and most definitely gets PISSED when its particularly loud.

-What conditions he is in when he takes a nap vs the conditions he is in for when he goes to sleep for the night are vastly different.

-Naps? he just needs to lean against something and have his arms crossed over his chest. he can be woken up and immediately do shit when woken up from a nap, though he'll be annoyed about it.

-Sleep? specific texture sheets, specific soft pajamas, specific amount of blankets, background noise like a fan, specific room temperature, his pillow has to be fluffed perfectly. he cannot just wake up and go do shit from sleep, he's groggy as hell and incoherent for atleast 2 hours.

-He argues over dumb shit when overstimulated.

-Hated school cuz the teachers would yell at him for fidgeting or 'not paying attention'. he was paying attention, he just didnt look like it.

-Getting his hair brushed has ALWAYS been PAINFUL and if the person pulls his hair he Will Start Biting.

-Anyways, he meets the reader and sees how they behave and is like 'Oh My God they fucking GET IT?!?!'

-He picks up on your cues and does his best to be direct because you arent so good at picking up on cues.

-Oh, you like the texture of his jacket? He'll let you rub your hand along the text as a stim.

-In fact, here. Take the jacket and wear it.

-You think his hair is a soft texture and play with it to soothe yourself? Wonderful, he loves having his haired played with, just be gentle!

-He picks up on your stims, which ones you do for each emotion. If you are happy stimming he grins so widely at you. If its anxiety or sadness or fear? He finds ways to help soothe you.

-He asks you out very directly. he knows that u have a hard time understanding hidden meanings. So he literally just tells you.

-When he sees you happy stim from him asking you out he cant help but grin.

-His love language is physical touch, but he respects boundaries. if you dont want to be touched in that moment, just tell him and he will respect that.

-If your love language is physical touch, too? thats best case scenario. but you'll have your moments where you need space.

-you both bond over a hatred of microfiber.

-If you are semi-verbal or tend to go nonverbal in moments of high stress, he has probably picked up on it quickly if you didnt directly tell him.

-He knows when you are getting overstimulated or distressed. He makes an effort to soothe you in ways that he knows helps.

-If its ever a moment of severe distress, he can see you shutting down physically and mentally. it hurts him to see you like that, but he is calm and acts accordingly.

-he notices that you're slowly going nonverbal, he sees your eyes get wide and almost looking like a scared child. he can see you becoming less responsive or having trouble comprehending anything in a productive manner.

-He IMMEDIATELY removes you from the situation if possible. he'll work so fast to get you to a safe space where you can calm down.

-When y'all are adults and live together, he has a sensory safe room for you set up. Its a peaceful place that he can take you and its guaranteed to help you calm down.

-He'll take you to that safe space help you get comfortable. Dont like bright lights? the room is set up to be dim. Need a calming background noise? Boom, white noise machine. You like those plush bean-bag like chairs? you bet he got that for you. Weighted blankets? he's tucking you in. a thousand soft plushies and fidget toys? anything for you.

-He'll stay in the room close by to make sure you are okay and your needs are met. if you want to be held, be prepared for him to be in that bean-bag chair with you.

-He smiles when he notices you fully relax. he can see the signs that you are content and calm.

-He really appreciates when you do your best to soothe him in moments of his own overstimulation as well.

-he likes his back being rubbed, specifically between his shoulders.

-holding his hand and gently kissing his knuckles as well. that really helps.

-he really likes it when you pull his head to your chest and he can listen to your heartbeat and breathing.

-he really appreciates it when you pick up on his own signs of overstimulation.

-you dont judge him for his violent tendencies when he is severely overstimulated, and he appreciates that.

-You know he would never physically harm you anyways.

-You do your best to coax him into walking away with you to sit and find his peace again.

-He doesnt like sharing a bed with ANYONE, except you.

-In fact, you being by his side eventually becomes a sleeping condition. he doesnt even need to hold you, just your weight on the bed next to him is so soothing.

-he is even willing to change some of his sleeping conditions if it means you will be more comfortable and continue to sleep next to him.

-arguments only happen when he gets a bit overstimulated, as previously stated.

-if he notices that he is upsetting you, he immediately apologizes. its usually only a soft muttered 'im sorry...' but nonetheless, he is sincerely sorry and he will take time to be direct with his needs so he can calm down.

-he buys you your favorite snack to make up for it later.

-you both have playful debates about which soda is superior from which restaurant and also which bottled water brand is top tier.

-overall, he is extremely happy. you may be a bit odd to some people, but so is he.

-people around him accuse him of babying you, he doesnt care.

-you match his freak quite literally so it works.

anyways happy autism acceptance month from your fave autistic freak <3

[demi-rxndxm-stxff]

GREETINGS FOLKS OF EVERY, ANY, OR NO GENDER! WELCOME BACK TO DEMI DUMPING ABOUT CRK

TODAY'S EPISODE: I STARTED SCREAMING WHEN I SAW THE TRAILER ON MY YT HOME!!

(Spoilers for the CRK Bast-Yeast EP 10 TRAILER)

"Damn.. these bitches gay.. Good for them!" I just know the EternalBerry shippers are going crazy

SLAYYYYY HOLLY!! POP OF SUGAR!!! God, I love these costumes 😭 Eternal Sugar Cookie kinda be lookin like Sugarfly Cookie. Hmm.. Proceeds to write down mother-daughter concept idea Holly looks drop-dead GORGEOUS OH MY GOD. Seriously! I love her hair being down! It's literally so pretty!

WHEN I TELL YOU I GOT FLASHBANGED BY THIS DAMN ARENA SKILL I SWEAR-

Recovering from the flashbang "God, I hate getting flashba- HOLY FUCK IS THAT COOKIE DROWNING IN THEIR OWN JAM?! Wait-" squint "IS THAT A FUCKING CAKEHOU-"

"Huh, that butterfly kinda looks lie Sugarfly Cookie-"

"HOLY SHIT-" I'm so excited for her to be a plyable character!

Her kingdom skill is sick too!

This minigame actually looks so cute :]

How many lesbians are gonna be in this damn update? I swear she gives off such sapphic vibes.

Jokes aside, this scene is actually so sad.

Included these two screenshots because the animation here is muah spot on.

SLAYYY POP OFF QUEENNN! Aegis Hollyberry Cookie is a nice name.

Wait a second-

Okay, this is just a small thought, but I think her English VA is coming back from strike! Please don't bully me if I'm wrong, I don't know the whole voice actor strike drama too well.

Oh okay. I thought she'd get actual wings, but I think it's only in her skill. Glad we didn't have another Burning Spice situation.

"YOOO THIS IS NICEEE!! GURLL!!!"

I'm sure just by the trailers, I know how Hollyberry's awakened gacha animation is gonna look.

Needed a better look at my fav girlboss x malewife duo :] <33 (Ignore the twink)

An extra something:

"NOOOO! JUNE FOURTH IS WHEN SCHOOL REOPENS FOR ME!!!" I scream as I'm dragged onto my school campus.

My school actually opens on June 4th. It was supposed to open today(June 2nd), but then cuz of heavy rain they had to postpone it. What's ironic is that today has just been sunny as hell here💀

Even if I don't have CRK downloaded on my PC(since this shit is a crusty dusty old ass windows 10 pro which I've been using since 2019), it's still a bummer since I wanted to make an analysis of the episode as soon as possible. That is, if they choose to release it while I'm in school.

Anyways, I WILL SCREAM SO LOUD WHEN THE UPDATE COMES OUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA HEAR IT NO MATTER WHERE YOU LIVE.

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons iii.

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ opening up it's not easy, isn't it?

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm mention, and disordered eating (not explicitly mentioned but you can clearly see it's there)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ helloooo welcome to part 3!!!!!! i think this might be the last part (if u have an idea on how this can continue feel free to tell me. u can send a request or just leave the idea in the comments). also just saying, this stuff is based on MY issues and experiences with mental health, so this might not be truthful to everyone. my insta is @/starsfinder_ if anyone wants to vent or just talk :))

remember you're not alone if you're going through a shitty moment, trust me!! ik everyone says to ask for help, and even if that's soo fucking true i know some people are not listened (even if that's literally a fucking RIGHT). so, as i said, you can dm me <33 take care of yourselves pleaseee. can't stress enough how much i want y'all to know you're not alone. hi. hello. i care!!!!!!!! and i'm here!!!!!! so please listen to me when i say everything's going to be alright :)) i love youuuuuu

also, sorry for any mistakes. i'm sooo tired rn lmao

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

I told you a lie, désolé, mon amour

I'm trying my best, don't know what's in store

The next week, I stepped out of therapy crying. I got into the car, slamming the door.

“Hey,” Ellie says softly, looking at me with her hands resting on the wheel, her gaze full of worry. “You okay?”

“Drive.”

“But—”

“Just drive.”

“Okay.”

Ellie starts driving. I wipe my tears, feeling overwhelmed. My mother had called yesterday and made me feel like shit. I wasn't doing my best at school. Ellie and I hadn't gone out since Christmas. So basically, everything was shit. I've also had urges to relapse, and they're just not going away.

I cry. Ellie drives. This is okay. It's okay. Except that it's not, and I haven't told my therapist anything about myself yet. My mother hasn't spoken to me in weeks, and my father sent a cat video on WhatsApp this morning. And Ellie’s knuckles are turning white from how hard she’s gripping the wheel, which makes my heart ache because I know she cares. It makes me want to tell her everything, but the words are stuck in my throat, and I can't seem to get them out.

We arrive at the apartment a couple of minutes later. Ellie doesn’t immediately open the doors, and I've calmed down enough to answer when she asks, “Baby? Are you feeling okay?”

I nod, looking away. The people that I see walking around look sad.

“I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not, though,” she says. I stay quiet, doubting it. Ellie nudges me with her elbow, looking for an answer. “Hey.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”

Ellie pats me on the thigh before getting out of the car. I get out, too. I don't bother eating dinner that night; I just go straight to bed and fall asleep.

The next few days felt monotonous. I've fallen back into my sadness, the type that isn't bitter but sweet. It doesn't make me want to relapse. It makes me want to stay in bed more hours than I'd like, takes my appetite away, and leaves me feeling nothing but numbness.

I wake up, go to work, study, attend uni, come home, and sleep. The cycle repeats and repeats, and I'm so, so very tired.

Today, I took the day off. I knew I was too tired to do anything, so I planned to rot in bed. Ellie knocks on the door, but I don't answer. I hear the door creak open and the light from the living room creeping in.

"Hey," Ellie says, her voice coming from behind me. "Mind if I lay next to you?"

"It's fine," I say with a hoarse voice. I feel the bed sink at my side, and then Ellie is behind me, wrapping her arm around my torso and nuzzling her face into my neck, leaving a kiss right there. I feel cozy and comfortable. I don't know if this will last. I hope it does because it's a feeling I've never experienced before—someone comforting me? That has never happened.

"Do you want to talk about what's going on?" she asks. I stay quiet. "I care about you. I'm worried."

I do want to talk about it, but at the same time, I don't.

"I'm fine."

"You always say that… You haven't gotten out of bed since you came from work, and the frozen lasagna you were going to make for yourself last weekend has been in the fridge since then." She stays quiet for a second, her fingertips caressing my arm. "You're not doing fine, baby."

Millions of thoughts go through my head. Thoughts I don't say. I don't want her to leave; I don't want her to see how I feel.

"I'm trying, though." It's easy to say since Ellie isn't looking at my face directly. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I blink them away; I blink, blink, and blink again. Fast.

Ellie stays quiet, her breath tickling my neck. She kisses the back of my head again, her hand holding mine. I hold it to my chest. "I know. But you don't have to be alone in this."

That hits me like a truck. I wasn't expecting to be held by her, let alone her saying I don't have to be alone. A tear falls from my eye, landing on the pillow. I sniff, and Ellie holds me tighter, not saying anything. She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear with her free hand and kisses my temple.

"I'm sorry," I say, in a moment of pathetic weakness. She hugs me even closer.

"Hey, no. Don't apologize. C'mon, turn around."

I let go of her hand, turning around. Her left hand cups my face and she kisses my cheek, then my forehead, and then she kisses the tears that fall on my cheeks. When she pulls away, she gives me a small smile, "You're going to be okay."

She doesn't want you. She's your friend; she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think, she'll leave.

I wake up on Ellie's chest, it feels good to be comforted, I've found. Her phone is on the nightstand, so I just reach it and look at the time. It's eight o'clock. I've fallen asleep for two hours. I try to make myself more comfortable on her chest, attempting not to wake her, but my movements fail and she stirs.

"Hey," she says, her voice still laced with sleep. "What time is it?"

"It's still night," I say, closing my eyes. "We slept for two hours.'

"Feeling better?" I feel comfortable enough to shake my head. "Do you want to talk about it? I told you, I'm worried. And don't bullshit me with the whole 'I'm fine' shit, yeah?"

I stay quiet as her thumb caresses my back, "Did I tell you why I'm going to therapy?" Ellie shakes her head. "Well—back home I had some… issues. Mental health stuff related. I kept going back to depressive episodes. And one day I just asked for help from my mom, because I—I just couldn't stop self harming."

"Baby," Ellie says, hugging me tighter and kissing the top of my head. "What happened? Did your mother react well?"

"Yeah. Surprisingly. I got help. Got better. Sometimes it comes back, and I still get urges sometimes, but I can control it. It isn't as bad as it was before. But lately, it's just—yeah."

"You don't do that anymore, do you?" She asks, worried.

"No," I shake my head. "Not anymore."

"And what about the urges, do you still get them?" I nod, slowly. Ellie plays with my hair. "And therapy? Is it helping?"

"I haven't told her anything, yet. I—I don't know, I can't talk about it."

"What if I go to the next session? If you're okay with that, of course. If you still don't feel comfortable we can look for another therapist or another way to get you help."

I hide my face in her chest when she says the last word. I don't know why I've been refusing to get help. I don't know why I don't like that word. I sigh as Ellie stops playing with my hair and begins rubbing my back.

"I think—I think I would like it if you go with me."

"Okay. Okay, then. I'll go." The room falls to silence again for a few seconds. I feel ashamed for telling her. "I'm sorry you have to go through this… I wish I could do more."

"You're doing more than enough," I assure her. It's my time to hug her tighter. "You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this."

"Yeah?" She seems surprised. "I'm glad you talked to me. I'm here for you if you need anything—I mean it. You just have to tell me, I will listen… You could've told me sooner."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize. I’m just saying, I'm here for you. I've been there for you, always. And… is there something I can do to help?"

"Just be there," I say. "That's enough."

"Mhm, I'll stay."

I think she wants you, a little voice in my head says. I think she loves you, and I don't think she'll ever leave.

Maybe I'll be okay, after all.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

The Great Sotus Rewatch

Some personal reflections

Since the beginning of the year, the most fabulous @thebroccolination has been leading some of us in a Sotus and Sotus S rewatch, to prepare for the return of Krist & Singto in The Ex-Morning.

Side Note: Watching Key do fandom feels very akin to what I imagine it feels like as a 10-year-old with a new skateboard rolling up to a park to see Tony Hawk doing kick flips. It is impressive, y'all.

And this felt like a very cool thing to do, both because I like hanging out with awesome people and watching things, and also because Sotus was my very first BL.

When I first stumbled across Sotus, I had no idea BL was even a thing, or yaoi, or any of it.

I was already a fan of kdramas, with a particular preference for those of the "women pretending to be men" variety (gee, wonder why). I also had a tendency to hunt out gay indie content, and was always thrilled when I could find a cute little gay romance film.

But these treasured finds were few and far between.

Then, one day, it happened. I was scrolling through Netflix, and stumbled across a little show called Sotus. It caught my eye, I clicked on it. And, according to my Netflix data, I started watching on July 26, 2019, and then proceeded to binge the ever-loving fuck out of it.

Funnily enough, I still didn't discover BL this way. It was a few years later, when I was desperately searching around, presumably typing something like "gay romance media" into google, that I was led to a reddit thread that recommend History 3: Trapped, and the rest is, literally, history.

But as I've watched more, and learned more, and become a part of this community, I've always had this fondness for the very first one. And it was so interesting to go back, and re-experience it, with so much more knowledge of the genre, and the history of BL, and the production companies, and the actors.

So here are a few thoughts after revisiting where it all began:

(Note, this got longer than intended, so the rest is past the cut)

1. Holy shit, Singto and Krist are talented. I have always enjoyed their work, but seeing them again at the very start gave me such a renewed appreciation. I think people often undervalue the early BLs, but when you think about what a risky endeavor this was, and how much Krist and Singto had to play under the surface to keep the hets happy, it was truly an incredible job. They gave layers to their performances. There were scenes that straight people could watch thinking "oh what nice boys", and gay people could watch thinking "oh they're going home to fuck right now". Honestly, there were moments their subtle slyness blew me away. They clearly took it seriously, and are a major factor in why it worked, and why we have so much more BL today.

2. Not every BL ages well, but this one was still incredibly relatable. To be honest, Sotus S was sometimes a little too relatable to me in the workplace drama. I've worked with some of those assholes. There's a maturity there that wasn't present in all the college BLs of the time. Unlike something like My Engineer (with apologies to My Engineer fans, love what you love!) where I really struggled with the bullying dynamic on a rewatch, here the push pull with the feelings of romantic desire and the struggle of queer identity felt surprisingly deft on re-examination.

There is a fair amount of filler, of course, also in Sotus S, but when you drill down to the essence of the ArthitKongpob relationship, there's a deep sweet aching realness to what they are experiencing.

3. This series reminded me of how it is so important to appreciate the history of what you enjoy. Of course we don't all have time to be complete experts, but it does make me sad sometimes when I see people online taking so much of all of this for granted. I came from a time where there was literally none of this. None. Nothing. I grew up with so little good female representation (dear lord save me from men who try to tell me Leia, Sarah Connor, and Ripley were adequate rep), and there sure as shit wasn't any gay romance that was easy to consume.

Even when I first started watching BL, I was easily catching up on all the available series. And yet, just a few years in, we are absolutely swimming in content. I cannot keep up with everything. And there's so much more diversity in genre and representation.

Sure, the quality varies, but that's true of literally all genres. Sure, there are huge problems in the industry - I mean, capitalism fucks everything in some capacity, but again, that's true of all media. Sure, there's more ground to be gained, there always is. But that ground will only be crossed by what we're getting now forging the way.

Realities are not mutually exclusive from gratitude.

All of that is to say that this only reaffirmed my gratefulness for what we have gained. For those people almost 10 years ago who decided to take a chance on something with no guarantee. For these two actors who took on a huge challenge, and have matured into men who are so open and honest about their struggles. And for this community, which I never would have found without that very first step.

I am so damn excited for The Ex-Morning.

[poodlejoonas]

I didn't wanna say anything, just observe and try to process on my own, but fuck it we ball.

Joel leaving the band should be a wake-up call for some of y'all to come to terms with how you treat mental illness and neurodivergence. Yes, even if you're also depressed, or also anxious, or also diagnosed ADHD. Especially if you're one or more of those things. It's like you don't wanna believe that Joel's lifelong, every day mental and emotional state could actually cause serious physical health concerns - you only wanna see him as the "hehe quirky energetic boi." Which he can be that sometimes, but y'all let that view of him cloud your judgment and make you ignore real issues.

And when you only see the quirky side of his ADHD, some of y'all [emphasis on some] get a little too comfortable with bullying him about it. But you might say, "Oh, well I have the same thing too and it's #relatable so it's okay if we joke and bully him (affectionately)." That's still ableism, babes! Being a little depresso bean yourself doesn't mean you get to make fun of someone else's depression, it just give you permission to talk about your own. Having ADHD doesn't mean you get to be a bully about someone else's symptom expression, even if you think you're just being playful about it. Leaving it on your blog or on Discord is one thing. Posting it in a place where you know he'll see it is a totally different beast. We should all know better than to know you can't read tone through text. You can only do that once you know someone's typing style on an intimate level and can understand if they're joking, pissed off, or chill about it.

None of us know Joel on a daily basis, no matter how many IG stories he posts or how many times we rewatch their tour vlogs and watch him make silly noises or be moody. The other guys can (affectionately) joke around with him because they know him and they've lived in buses and the studio with him for 12+ years. WE. CAN'T. He's always caught the most shit from fans for captioning pictures with future song lyrics that read a little depressingly (like what the other guys did), posting about his sad feelings or low self-esteem, and even sharing his playful moments. He's been a lot of fans' personal voodoo doll for projecting feelings and fanfiction headcanons because his ADHD and other issues are treated like a headcanon.

(And before you say anything - yes, I'm aware I'm not entirely innocent of this either. I've written it into the dad!AU to be as honest to reality as I can be. But I've never tried to force any of my fanfic ideals onto others. I've never forced my fics into anyone's faces if they didn't want to read them. And I for damn sure haven't been the judge, jury, and executioner for how fics with Joel could be written. Because he's a person, not a doll to play with.)

Finally - for the love of GOD - recognize the difference between Blind Channel's songs about mental illness and suicide and the reality behind them. In the songs, they're aesthetics. That's what musical symbolism is about. They exist in their aesthetics so that we can also feel things and process our own shit on our own time. Anytime I get "Die Another Day" on my shuffle, I stop what I'm doing to cry about it then move on with my day. Every one of their sad songs has an even sadder backstory. "Bad Idea" exists because Niko was literally talked off a ledge. "Feel Nothing" tells the story of being so done with life that your whole body goes numb. "Don't Fix Me" is about coming to terms with having a fucked up life and mental state. "Scream" is dedicated to one of Joel's dearest idols, whose life story and death (I'm 95% certain) was part of his fears of continuing in the band with his mental state.

Remember that Joel was literally the guy whose answer to the question, "Where do you see yourselves in ten years?" was "In a grave." IN A GRAVE. And he has the self-preservation now to acknowledge that he may end up there in his stated timeline if he continues doing something that will get him there. Maybe, just maybe, there's a little twinkle of hope that he can grow old and find real happiness and peace in his life. This is someone who probably never thought he'd live to see 30. And he finally has the chance to chase peace on his own terms. We should be grateful for that, but the Anger part of the "Fandom Five Stages of Grief" would rather have us all turn against the five remaining members of the band we all claim to love so much.

Cope how you want, I'm not a fucking cop. But when you're ready for this conversation, return and do some serious thinking about it. There will be future depressing songs not written by Joel. Then who will you project onto?

[erenfox]

RANKING SBG SHIPS BECAUSE LOKI GAVE US ALL FREE WILL 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥

Aidlyn/Ashden: good lord the chemistry. the 'he fell first but she fell harder' trope. the lil gestures by aiden. him annoying tf out of her but also becoming very caring when she's hurt. I'M SO CALM RN GUYS. and the fact that them ending up together is inevitable lmfao XD 9/10

Benlor: FUCKKK IM SERIOUSLY NOT OK THESE TWO ARE JUST SO PURE AND SWEET TO EACH OTHER. ESPECIALLY TAYLOR TOWARDS HIM, cuz he kinda suppresses his feelings and is a sad boi :( dw ben taylor's gonna make you feel happy again fosho lmao 😭 the lil blushing ben always does around taylor! her supporting his ideas even tho they flop! her helping him calm down from barron through music! her always cheering him up whenever he's gloomy! her being the first to thank him for opening up! THEY'RE LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF SHE FELL FIRST BUT HE FELL HARDER! GOD IM SO NORMAL ABOUT THEM 😭😭😭 10/10

Tylenol/Tylo: i never thought of the prospect of them together, but post tumblr i must say its interesting. not just them being the single ones in the team, but i like the way tyler defended logan against barron, and his general protective aura around logan. but then again tyler was kinda rude to logan in the start. idk it just gives me the ick 4/10

Tyden: LMAO the continuous saga of them pissing tf out of each other. it would be fuckin hilarious if they somehow end up together. but apart from the general hilarious bickering, there's not too much to it 5/10

Tayden: goddamn their friendship is so precious!! her painting his nails? her carrying him on his shoulders in dat one artwork?PURE BESTIE VIBES they just match each other's freak lmfao. 8/10

Logden: meh there are not any significant moments between these two. 1/10

Loglor/Taygan: no but why can i actually see this happening lol. the way theyre both so gentle around each other! then the way she was the first to help him when he got slashed by the phantom? and also the way she stood up for him when tyler was being rude? AND the lil hugs they give each other which none of the duos in the gang give? Cute af! 7/10

Benlyn: ooh the two quiet people of the gang! they could work out really well bcoz they definitely understand each other's struggles with muteness and phantom hearing respectively. plus that panel of ben braiding ashlyn's hair was so cute lmao :> 7/10

Loglyn: AAA they have sm potential!!! before the events of yk the whole ✨sAvAnNaH✨ mess, i feel like they wouldve been each other's only existing acquaintance they may call friends (ik it's not canon but it's very plausible lol) 6/10

Benlo/Logben: theyd definitely be good together, it's just that my sbg memory is failing to recall any significant moments b/w them ;-; if y'all remember pls do tell 2/10

Tyben: what is with the hernandez siblings always ending up being bens biggest supporters lmao XD it's a cute dynamic honestly 4/10

Taylyn: now this is one freakin adorable ship TvT. the way taylor always had a slight pang of concern for a friendless lonely ashlyn when they were kids? and the way they quite frankly became besties after enduring all the phantom world shit? very sweet, both platonic and romantic lmao 6/10

Tylyn/Ashler: i have been usurped into the tylyn propaganda by @tragedry honestly I DO NOT COMPLAIN. like holy fuck they're so enemies to lovers! them "loathing" each other, fighting for leadership, but then immediately becoming possibly the biggest protectors of each other in times of danger??? extremely wholesome lmao i love them smmm 9/10

SO THE TOP SHIPS ARE:

4. tie b/w TAYGAN and BENLYN (the rarepairs that just make sense) 😌👌

3. TAYDEN (the crack ship) 😈🔥🥉

2. tie b/w TYLYN and AIDLYN (the wholesome ships) 😍❗🥈

1. BENLOR (THE PUREST SWEETEST MOST ADORABLE GOOFS EVERR I-) 🥺❤🥇

[prettyboypistol]

Literally in every fanfic I read the reader is already a pretty sleeper, waking up all pretty and shit. Do you know what I need? A Reader who wakes up like they've been pushed down the stairs. A Reader who spews gibberish for a second and then immediately goes back to sleep. A Reader who wakes up wrapped in their blankets sweating like crazy and completely disorientated and on the floor. Sorry if this ask is bad, but do you think you could write something like this for the mercs?

Mood as fuck, I'm in.

TF2 Mercs With a Messy Morning S/O xGN!Reader

Scout

Honestly thinks it's a bit cute, seeing you wake up in a pool of your own spit and hair in your mouth??? Yeah, that's what he's dying every day to protect.

Likes talking nonsense to early morning you just to see you struggle fr.

His favorite thing is waking up before you. He's all dressed and ready and you're 2 inches away from falling off the bed.

Jeremy writes down all the weird shit you say and reads it back to you when you're sad because what the fuck does "are Venus flytraps predators" mean

Pyro

Probably ends up tangled in your Limbs too. This bitch is a SLEEP CUDDLER.

Gets worried when you wake up in a panic, shout about something that sounds important, then fall back asleep like EXCUSE ME?? WHAT??

Doesn't like that you kick them in your sleep, but they can live with it.

Very worried about the night sweats and ramblings. You say some fucked up dhit when you're asleep!

Soldier

This mf is used to waking up at 6AM sharp and being battle ready by 6:05AM. This caused one of the initial rifts in your relationship with him until you convinced him that not waking you as well is early stealth training.

You remind him of a baby bird when you're curled up in all the blanket that you stole from him in the night.

Doesn't really notice that you are a messy sleeper until you two have breakfast together one morning, with you half awake, those bleary eyes and sleepy sighs made his heart skip a beat.

Heavy

He calls you his little spoiled cat when you glare at him all bleary-eyed for waking you up.

Loves cuddling you like a big bear, always the big spoon.

lowkey a messy sleeper too, but is more agitated when half awake than you

you two having delirious talks when you two aren't awake fully omg couple goals

Demoman

You look like a pretty sleeper next to this motherfucker

drunk mumbling, sleeptalker, sleepfighter WWE in your bed.

Wakes up after you so ususally doesn't see the absolute wreck you wake up as. If you two wake up at the same time he makes fun of you.

You two have probably ripped the blanket in y'alls sleepwars. Mrs. Pauling has checked in on you two at 2AM after hearing shouting, only to see both of you, fast asleep, on the floor, and total messes.

Engineer

Thinks it's cute bc he rises with the sun if not a tad earlier to watch the sunrise. Absolutely tells you to "rise n' shine".

records your half-awake mumbles and talks to you, listens back to them podcast style in his downtime.

Is absolutely terrified that you will rip off his prosthetic hand so dating you absolutely instilled the safe habit of taking his hand off before bed.

Sniper

Is usually out of bed before the "fun" begins, but had overheard your morning routine

Isn't a fan of the blanket stealing, but overall doesn't really care. If he's in a bad mood he'll sleep on the couch so you don't steal it.

"Am i pretty, Mick?" "About as pretty as an aye aye when you first wake up" "Da-DAMN!!"

Has a poloroid of you fast asleep in his hat

Spy

This bitch c o m p l a i n s.

He's the most prissy little bastard when it comes to sleeping. He sleeps EXCLUSIVELY on his left side, legs in a specific way, and hogs the blankets. When you come into his bed and sleep-kick him out, he is flabbergasted. absolutely bamboozled.

Doesn't cuddle you, but now there is a pillow barrier that protects his precious sleep routine.

Secretly thinks you are downright adorable with how god-awful you look, crusty eyes and all

Medic

Doesn't really mind, but gives you light teasing about it. If he's having a bad day then he gets annoyed by the blanket stealing.

Wakes up and gets ready for the day, only to see the doves nesting with you and that melts his hearttttt

Kisses your gross ass awake every single day despite that

Has stayed up multiple nights to study your sleep cycles.

[wolfertinger]

(sorry mod just needed to let out the rage 👍 don't post if not on anon)

"this is a weird question but do y'all even care about seeing Salem anymore?

he's my fursona and mascot n such but I'm just feeling some weird sadness. i feel like not many people care about him compared to my other characters which is why I draw him somewhat less nowadays."

brother what the fuck are you on about. you literally have 5 william followers that are always screaming in your comments about how much they adore your fursona. your art of him literally gets more notes than most of your other oc's combined. you get fanart of salem so often that it makes me jealous. you already get so fucking much and you have the GALL to say "oh but do you guys REALLY like my fursona? for realsies? no cap? 👉👈"

what do you fucking think, genius? you tell me by the amount of notes you get every fucking day!! holy shit

like jesus christ how tragic is it that wip art of salem doesnt get over 2k notes huh? god forbid you draw someone else other than salem and people actually like it because they finally get to see a different oc of yours? do you really need validation that bad that you'd start crying about how nobody loves your fursona anymore just to see 1k people in the comments say "but we do love salem!!! we love your art too!!!! we love you!!!!!!!"

salem. get a grip man. you literally draw your sona every fucking week and talk about him every fucking day and reference him in your posts every fucking morning. you cannot be serious here. you are so entitled it makes my head hurt

.

[anonmousegosqueak]

Y'all- I'm Having A Moment

*throws at you* have 141 sexuality headcannons.

(btw I could literally make a point for all of 'em as trans, while I didn't include any in this post please know I live for ftm 141)

Uhh- this is long and there are mentions of sex? Be warned? Tbh I'm not in a proper mental state (not depressed or anything, just feeling wack) so none of this is proofread. I also actually swear in this so that's fun and new.

Price (the og bear)

Gay man

Took him 'till Nikolai to come out properly (mostly to himself), while he did sleep around with other men when he was still young, once he joined the army he promptly shoved those thoughts into a small box and buried it under work. Nowadays he's much more open to himself, allowing himself to fully realize just how much he loves Nik and that it's okay if he's not straight.

He once pulled Simon aside, clearly anxious (something more rare than... Idk something really rare) and was like "Son... I'm gay." Ghost basically responded with "You've been fucking Nikolai loud enough for the entire base to hear. That guy is your husband and *my* other dad. I know you're gay."

Ghost (Angsty Mc. Angster Face):

Speaking of Ghost- we've got our second gay man!

Ghost is honestly... 100% sure how he identifies. He likes his Johnny! And that's about it.

As we all know, our favorite depressed meow meow had a not great childhood. The very idea of even being into men wasn't on the table. Then he joined the military. And that was that.

The most 'exploring his sexuality' this guy did was occasionally having a sad drunk wank on the few weeks he actually took off, often to nothing but his empty imagination.

And then a certain Scottish idiot came along...

And then Las Almas happened...

And then that night in the bar...

And before you know it, Ghost was laying next to a passed out Johnny (clinging to Ghost like a koala obvs) realizing that 'holy shit- men are *hot*'

Obviously he never fantasized about a relationship, he never liked women like that. But men? Yeah, yeah that's... Muscles... Hnnngghhhhhhh *dies*

(poor baby didn't understand until he basically had a 'bees and the bees' chat with Nikolai)

Soapy Boi:

Man whore- (+silly gender stuff??)

So, Soap doesn't exactly have a firm label. Call him Bi, call him Pan, he doesn't care as long as he gets in ur pants.

No but actually-

Johnny grew up pretty religious, I'm talkin' prayers before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. Big family too, not only did he have four sisters (and was the only brother, bless his soul) but other relatives were always around.

He might have had a crush on the Jesus painting at his church...

One day, at the ripe old age of six, he remembers mentioning something about how he liked the way the other boy at the church looked, and that he wanted him to be his boyfriend (he wasn't old enough to fully understand what that meant but he'd heard his older sisters talk about it and it sounded right)

And y'know what? His dad took it surprisingly well! Basically responded (in a Scottish accent too thick to write) "that's nice son, as long as you invite us to the wedding. Just be safe, alright?"

Mr. MacTavish proceeded to spend the night trying to find out what to do if your son comes out to you.

And wee johnny lad had no fucking idea.

So yeah, he wasn't exactly ever in the closet. He'd talk about the pretty boys and girls in his class, not really thinking about it too hard until highschool hit. Surrounded by teenage homophobia, y'know what he did? He didn't give a fuck. Yeah he banged Mike from the football team last night, made out with one of the cheerleaders as well. Kids would be like "omg gay" and he'd be like "okay? I get more action than any of y'all, from both girls *and* boys. Sounds like a skill issue on your part."

And then he joined the military, twords the end of DADT in America.

He didn't exactly talk about his sexuality, no one did, but that doesn't mean he was in the closet. It just... Didn't come up? Not as FNG at least- he'd definitely had a few conversations with Gaz about some 'shithead guy he brought home last time they were off work' (and maybe Soap kissed Gaz once or twice but they both had socks on so it wasn't gay or anything)

And then this fucking brick shithouse of a man roles around calling himself Ghost and wearing what Soap can only describe as Halloween incarnate.

Yeah, he was determined to wife this man up.

He definitely helped when Ghost was going through his whole 'HOLY HECK- MEN' era. Having someone who was so comfortable with his sexuality around, didn't treat it as if it was a secret or a bad thing, just... Was. It all really helped.

And you might remember, I said gender. Why? Because he has a pretty similar view of his gender that he has of his sexuality. He's just *Johnny.* Yeah he doesn't wear makeup but it's not because he's got a dick, it's because he's got sensitive skin and hates the way makeup feels. Yeah he tends to wear masculine clothes but 1) it's a warzone he's not gonna wear heels and a dress. 2) he's a big boy! It's hard to get cute clothes in his size 😔

(it helps that he comes from a place where men prance around in skirts and play a sack that looks like it's been impaled by a primary school's collection of recorders)

MY HUSBAND (Gaz)

Hngggggghhhhhhh- need... need to bite him... need to shake him around like a rabid dog...

What were we talking about?

OH YEAH-

My boy Gaz is a pretty pansexual virgin.

Okay not actually, but he's definitely rizzing up all the boys, girls, enbys, EVERYONE at the bar.

And then he takes exactly none of them home.

As we all know, Gaz is the most forgotten, meaning we don't have shit about his childhood. Not even a common fandom opinion. It makes me sad because I want nothing more than to make this the longest section (that's why it's at the end, I have these in order of how long I'ma yap about it)

I like to believe he had a stupidly average childhood.

Price and Ghost are talking about their shithead dad's respectively, Soap is talking about how he loves his Ma and Pa and how him and his oldest sister are going shopping this Christmas and Gaz is just ":)"

Smart kid, grew up somewhere in the UK (I refuse to study anything about the British), mom, dad, his grandma on his dad's side, and a fucking turtle that's somehow still alive (named him chompy) in a middle class house. Didn't really do sports, was in debate club, but also still went to the gym after school.

He also never showed any interest in romance. Period.

Listen, Gaz was always a pretty boy. I'm not saying no one didn't go after 'that hot guy in my science class', no quite the opposite, but he just never really went that path.

He once got paired with one of the cutest girls in their year for a history project. Took her to his house, went to his room... And promptly knocked out the assignment (and got an A).

When he got a bit older he definitely became more of a playboy. Went to a lot of parties and flirted, never got into anyone's bed though.

Frequently goes to a bar and flirts with men to get a free drink, only to turn down any other advances. (Soap saw him do this once, proceeded to hound him for the next three months about it)

He knows he's hot. He knows what to wear to get attention. He just doesn't really wanna fuck someone unless he knows them well. He's actually fallen into bed with Soap on more than one occasion, only after they became the best of mates. It's more of a trust/friendship act than something you'd do with a random stranger you met an hour ago.

(doesn't realize he's demi romantic/sexual until waaaayy later)

When I scoop him up and marry him and we move away to a small cottage in the woods and I peg him and

Uhhh- I guess that's it? Idk man, I'm most likely gonna delete this later. I've been going through so many mental things (I'm fine, just confused) that I think writing fifteen thousand paragraphs about how the characters in a videogame known for his toxic lobby are all gay and they all smooch each other.

Whatever, life is short, post my sleepy ramblings to the Internet where it will forever reside and I can never fully remove it.

JFuck it- if you want more comment and I'll add the characters in a later post.