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thecapricunt1616 · 6 months

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Blue Lotus - SxC Fic - Chapter 2

♡ Summary: Carmy & Syd go horseback riding!!! Carmy's therapy friends push him to go for what he wants, his 'light at the end of the tunnel'

♡ W/C: 6,534

♡ Posted Date: 04/07/2024

♡ A/N: Hayoooo!!! I am too inspired... this has become a multi-chap fic hahaha I am havin' so much fun here!! Thank you @gingergofastboatsmojito for inspiring me to keep going!!! ILY! As per usual please know - this fic was inspired by THIS FIC here - Tucson by the GLORIOUS GINGER!!!! Go read that before you even THINK about reading this fic ok?! I love how I hate storer for the same reasons but im a sucker for writing a slowburn - I find myself screaming at MYSELF internally "make them kiss already!!!!" but they will KISSSS SHORTLY SO SHORTLY MY DEARSSSS !!! It will be a JUICY TAYLOR SWIFT DAYLIGHT ASS KISS OK!!!! THEY WILL ONLY SEE EACHOTHER FROM THEN ON!!!! Its gonna be a 'and I can still see it all in my mind all of you all of me intertwined I USED TO THINK LOVE WOULD BE BLACK AND WHITE BUT ITS GOLDENNNNNNN. We need Carmy to realize a few more things but then - he will be hozier level devoted to this woman even more then he already is, I hope you enjoy!!

♡ Warnings for BTC: Not really any? Like? LOL - Swearing?! Smoking cigarettes?! They just went horseback riding & carmy went to therapy- oh Ig talks of carmy getting hard LMAO but thats as crazy as we get this chapter. ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

Stardust nudges his shoulder so hard he almost falls over, and he turns to look at her. His heart jumped into his throat, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. She was there, she was really there.

“Uh-” he blinked a few times, to be sure that she wouldn’t disappear. “Syd? Hey..uh-” he felt his entire body buzzing with excitement. He couldn’t help the smile that took over his features. She looked… gorgeous. Carmen wasn’t sure there actually was a word in any human language ever to exist that could describe just how wonderful she looked.

Her hair was in its natural state, she was wearing an adorable corduroy jacket, black jeans, and white sneakers. “You came to a farm…in those?” he motions to her shoes.

She laughs a bit “Wow- it’s great to see you too, Carm. Didn’t realize you were…actually like living on a farm” she approached him carefully.

“Shit- yes- fuck- It’s its so good to see you, Syd, C’mere” he pulls her into a tight, long hug. The smell of her lavender vanilla perfume nearly made him melt.

“You’re like…tan- and…muscley now” She laughs a bit, squeezing his arm lightly.

“Uh..” he pulled away, cheeks bright red. “Yeah uh.. It's like- fuckin hard t’ride a horse. And the um…” he rubbed his neck nervously “The uh cows.. They eat hay? Most the time, and so we need to move the bales during the morning for em, they’re like…. 75? 80 pounds? So moving like 10 back and forth every day helps. And I dont really.. Go inside? Here? Its like… uh.. Thats the therapy mostly, the animals- at least f’me” he said sheepishly.

She nodded, looking around the stable. “That one behind you is yours? Shes been side-eying me creepily since I started talking” she pointed to Stardust.

“Oh! Fuck sorry yea, well- no…not- not mine- I got ‘er t’trust me. But uh, yeah this is Stardust. She’s a super sweet girl” He explained. Stardust leaned in, sniffing Syds hair carefully.

“Cute- All you’re missing is a hat” She teased.

He chuckled a bit, “Ok, c’mon - why are you here, Syd” He said with a small smile, crossing his arms over his chest.

She shrugged, looking at the ground and kicking a rock out of the way with her shoe. “Cause…I was worried- I dunno…” She definitely wasn't going to get bold and tell him that she’d missed him, terribly.

“Ok…well now that y’here, and y’see i’m okay…wanna have some fun?” He asked, a small smile on his lips.

Syd looked back up at him, as if he had 3 heads. “Okay- Where is Carmen Berzatto- Not his… Weird alien clone- Camren Brazota” she said, laughing a bit “what do you mean fun?” She asked, and Carmy laughed, real, and genuine.

“Well- If I didn’t change my view a little I’d never leave. So, yes, Syd, ‘a little fun never hurt noone’ - per my therapist. Shes fuckin annoying. I much prefer the horses.” He pet Star’s mane and she leaned into his touch.

“Holy shit” Syd laughed a bit. “Wow- alright. I feel like you’re a whole new man already, what kind of fun?” she mused.

“Ever ridden a horse?” he walked over to the saddle rack, pulling off a double seated one and hanging it over the back of the stall door.

“No- Actually, Don’t I need um…like - stuff for it?” she asked.

“Oh don’t think I wont give you the full experience” he opened the riding closet, “Whats your shoe size?” he asked, crouching down and looking through the pairs of extras.

“8? Er- 9 probably 9” she said. He dug through them until he found a matching pair.

“These should do, y’stuff is cool here we can just leave it in her stall” he told her, holding out his arm for her to hold while she switched her shoes.

“You seem like…” she said as she slipped off her sneaker and put on the boot. “I dunno…chill- well- i wont go that far- but chill-er then before.” Carm snorted a laugh, holding on to her arm to steady her.

“Thanks? I guess..that’s good right?” He asked.

“Yeah! Yeah of course…I mean, it’s nice. To see you not so…anxious.” She said, slipping the other boot on.

“Yeah I um…” he cleared his throat, opening the stall door. “I uh..I’m takin meds- Now? Uh..all this shit. Y’know they have me like tranquilized more then these guys” he said and she laughs, Carmen smiled proudly at the fact, relishing in the wonderful sound.

“But yeah like Like 3 er..er 4. they say I had all this uh..mental shit. Goin’ on w’me and that’s why I was all…wound up I guess” he explained, calling Star out and getting her harness situated.

Syd caught herself staring at his arms as he worked, how the toned muscle moved beneath the fabric of the shirt.

“Aren’t you freezing?” She asked, noticing he wasn’t wearing a jacket like she was.

“Used to it now, well- I mean the moving around. It gets hot this shit is heavy. Wanna try to hold the saddle?” He asked, unhooking the saddle from the stall door where he’d left it momentarily.

“It can’t be that bad” she countered.

“I think this thing weighs probably as much as you do.” He said “hold out your arms” he smiled a bit.

She lifted her arms out in front of her and he plops the saddle down, she had to plant one of her feet forward so she didn’t fall face first due to the sudden weight and he laughed, catching the saddle quickly and baring most the weight.

“Told you” he teased.

She rolled her eyes “yeah whatever. Saddle up the horse, cowboy” she dropped the saddle back in his arms. He hurled the saddle over Stars back with a grunt.

“Fuckin hell” he huffed, realizing since the saddle was nearly double the weight as his usual, and being on the shorter end- he couldn’t just get it on her when she was standing straight. “Bow” he told the horse and she just stared at Sydney.

“Don’t embarrass me, Star. Bow” he told her and she looked the other way.

“So uhhh…this one’s trained, huh?” Sydney teased.

Carmen looked back at her “mmhmm maybe she doesn’t like strangers” he said, walking over to the other side.

“Since she’s bein difficult y’gonna have T’help. C’mere” he waved her over and she followed. “So when I push it up, just grab the saddle pad and make sure it doesn’t move, yea?” He asked.

“The fuck is a saddle pad, dude- I know my way around a kitchen not a fuckin horse stable.” She looked at the many different layers the horse was already wearing.

“Alright. So this,” he lifted the cloth, “is her blanket. Keeps her core warm. And beneath it” he pats the pad “this is her saddle pad, it makes it more comfortable. So our bones aren’t like..diggin in her back and shit. Also shock, when she jumps the foam of it helps our weight disperse. The saddle is so big and heavy I can’t keep the pad still at the same time, so just hold it f’me,” he took her hand, guiding it to where he wanted her to hold.

She felt her heartbeat quicken, his hands were so large and calloused on top of her own. She nodded wordlessly, keeping her eyes trained on where she was meant to be holding and focusing on keeping it steady as he went back around and carefully lifted up the heavy saddle with a grunt, laying it over the horses back.

“Jesus- how much can this thing carry” Syd asked.

“Well she is a mare, she weighs about…mmm- 1900? She can comfortably hold about 400 pounds for a decent distance but she can’t do that for hours and hours at a time. We together can’t be more then 300, and her gear is less then 100 pounds. Were just goin f’r a quick ride, I gotta get to therapy at 3” he explained as he buckled on her saddle.

“Ah. So you’ve been memorizing horse information instead of creating recipes? I figured when I got here you’d have gone nuts by now without being in a kitchen so long” she gently touched the horses mane as she spoke.

“Maybe. Well…I am kinda goin crazy? But I can’t…let it out?” He chuckled a bit “does that make sense? Nights are a little hard before my sleep meds kick in but that just says I haven’t done enough that day” he got up. “So y’gettin up first since I’m sittin in back” he explained.

“Oh…uh- ok how do I?” She asked looking up at the at least 7 foot tall animal.

“Y’not gonna be able to do it alone. C’mere” he told her. She comes over and looks at him.

“How the fuck do you do this?” She looked up at the saddle that was at the top of her head before looking back at him.

“So-“ he snorts a laugh at her wide confused expression. “She’s not gonna like you trying to roll up on her back, and I don’t want you t’get thrown off, she can be moody with new people. I almost broke my shoulder my first time trying to ride her” he said and she crossed her arms slightly.

“So how. How do I get up there?” She asked. He pulled out a step stool, setting it next to the horse and getting up on the third step.

“I’m giving you a lift. Arms up” he said with a playful smirk.

“No- no way- Carmen that’s too high. You’ll drop me!!” She took a step back, feeling slightly nervous.

“I won’t because I’ll bribe her Syd. C’mere” he pulled a pack of peep marshmallows out of his pocket and the horse nearly starts dancing.

“Carm- what the fuck is happening?” She asked and Carmy chuckled.

“Bow. Cmon Syd wants t’ride. Bow and you’ll get y’treat star.” He told the horse.

It obediently bowed down and before Syd could process what was happening, Carm was scooping her up beneath her arms Syd squealed in surprise. “Oh my GOD WHY ARE YOU PICKING ME UP!” She shrieked, wiggling in his arms.

“open y’legs! Cmon! she’s gonna get up!!!” Carmen laughed holding her up higher. Syd finally obeyed and he gently plopped her on the first saddle. “Good girl” he told the horse, feeding her the marshmallow and putting the packet in his pocket again before swiftly getting on behind Syd.

“Alright. Hard part done.” He reached around her waist, and she lifted her arms slightly.

“What- can you tell me what’s going on? I’m a horse virgin!” She said, and they both went quiet for a moment, before cracking up laughing. Syd leaned to her left slightly as she tried catching her breath, grabbing the rein for stability and tugging.

Star took off sprinting, Syd screamed in surprise, her body going tight with fear. Carmen quickly wrapped his arms around Syds waist protectively, tugging on the reigns “WOOOOAH!” He called to Star and she quickly came to a stop.

“Stand.” He told the horse firmly.

“What the fuck Carm I thought she was trained!” Syd exclaimed, gripping onto his forearms for dear life.

“I gotchu, you think I’d let her kick you off?” He tightened his arms around her. Carmen swore his heart was thumping so hard that she felt it on her shoulder blade.

“Also when she moves it’s hard to keep still.” She said nervously.

“Don’t worry, I gotchu, Syd. Lean into me, if our weight is centered then it’ll be easier for all 3 of us” he gently pushed at her stomach.

She leaned back into his broad chest, “see” he said softly. He was lucky the angle didn’t allow for her to see him, because his face was bright red, And having her body pressed against his…was making him flush somewhere else too.

He clicked his tongue and Stardust started walking again, at an easy comfortable trot. “This…is ok.” She said, much more comfortable now.

“I’m gonna take you t’one of my favorite spots.” He said, pulling on the reins to the left lightly so she would follow the left trail.

“Wow, already sharing secret spots huh? I think this therapist may just be Doctor of the year I don’t even think I’ve seen your favorite Chicago spots” she teased.

Carm laughed a bit, he felt so much lighter with Syd around. And life had been lighter ever since he got here.

“How is…uh- how is it back home?” He cleared his throat lightly. It was something that had being weighing on him. Yes, he was here, he was doing the thing. He was making Sugar happy. He was making Syd happy…but he would go back, at some point.

And his biggest fear was things will just go right back. He won’t have this outlet, he won’t have sunset rides with Stardust to ease his mind. He won’t have the cows happily running up to him and greeting him when he was the first one to bring out a bale of hay. He felt like if he was here, he may have the confidence to tell Syd how he feels. But back home? It was another life.

“Fine..things are..y’know. The usual shit. But nothing bad, no one’s getting locked in any freezers if that’s what you mean” she said playfully.

Carm rolled his eyes with a light smile. “Mmhmm. So the restaurant is-“

“Is fine.” She said. “I’d have told you. You know that.” She said and he nodded a bit.

“I know she scared you back there…but it’s pretty fun to go fast. You wanna try?” He asked.

She shifted a bit uncomfortably, her hands tightening around his arms that were holding the reins around her waist. “Uhh…maybe? Are you sure we won’t fall off?” She questioned.

“I’m sure. Here you can be the one to control it. Start light ok? With your legs.” He gently ran his hands down her thighs to right below her knees “here” he said softly, squeezing the flesh gently so she wouldn’t have to lean and look. “With that part of your legs, give her a little squeeze. But really light, or we’ll take out of here like a bat out of hell” he held around her waist again, securely holding the reins.

“Mmhmm” she said, she was beginning to feel hot- and not because she’d done any hard work in regards to getting the horse ready.

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, you’re the boss” he said the last part softly in her ear. If it wasn’t for her jacket, he would see the goosebumps that had risen on her arms. She nodded quickly, staring straight ahead and trying to maintain her composure.

“So I just?” She squeezed gently and the horse picks up her speed slightly. “Oh…ok” she said.

“Told y’she was trained” Carmy teased and she rolls her eyes.

“Mmm you’ve done a very good job, bribing this horse with peeps. The staff know you do this?” She asked. Carmy snorted a laugh

“No. But she’s healthy. Made sure. She only gets one or 2 if she doesn’t listen.” He admitted.

She shook her head with a smile. “And how’d you find this out, Carm?” She leaned into him once more.

“I…” he laughed a bit, his chest vibrating with the movement and it made her heart warm.

“I uh…spent a few days in the library here. Reading up. After she threw me off. It’s all about trust with em. So I never lied to ‘er and I’ve never done something she didn’t expect because I always try to warn her.” He said, pulling her reigns a bit tighter.

“This is like a joyride Syd cmon, I said fast not an evening stroll.” He teased.

“Fine. Mister horse master- show me what Miss Stardust can do.” She said.

With 2 kisses and a quick tap of his heel, they were off like a rocket. He held Syd steady, being sure she wouldn’t have to do most the work of holding herself center as he gripped each reign with the opposite hand, holding them taught so Star knew to keep going.

Syd laughed, the wind flicking her dark curls all around. He wished she could see her amused expression. “Holy shit this is the best!” She shouted over the loud thuds of Stars hoofbeats.

“I know right! Can you believe she can go faster?” He said, holding his knees taut around her hips to keep her from sliding.

“Okay we are not! This is fine!” She said and sat up a bit “are we going into the-” She asks as Star begins to barrel through a creek, the freezing water spraying up and around them getting them slightly wet, the freezing water splashing from their calves up to their cheeks.. “CARMY!” She screams through laughter.

He could barely catch his breath as he laughed so hard his stomach and ribs ached. “I’m sorry!! Syd! Oh god-“ he chuckled “woah girl- woah” he called to the course and she slowed down once again to a stop.

“Fuck-“ Carmen chuckled “you okay?” He asked, picking a wet leaf from her jacket and throwing it to the forest floor.

“Yeah- I’m.. I’m fine. That was really fun actually. C’mon I wanna see the spot” she said and took it upon herself to tug the reins so Star would take off again

“Shi-it!” He quickly finds his balance, “warn me!! Oh god I almost flew off!!” He told her.

“You think I’d let her throw you off?” She mimics him from earlier and he takes the chance to playfully pinch her waist

“Yes because who’s in back and who’s in front?” He wrapped his arms around her again, taking the reins from her grasp. “Your reign privileges have been revoked for this riding lesson, Ms.Adamu”

She laughed a bit “I’ll earn them back. Don’t worry” she mused.

“Mmm we need to talk about more shit before I just literally hand the reins over. Coulda spooked her and we’d be fuckin dead.” he angled the outside reigns so she’d slow down as they came to the clearing.

“Here we are” he hopped off, raising his arms to help her down.

She carefully reached out for him and he lifted her off, gently setting her down. “Holy fuck Carmy” she turned around, watching the waterfall cascade down over the rocks.

“Right! Told you. It’s a fire spot” he went over to one of the rocks he usually sat at, plopping down and taking out a cigarette. “Oh- shit- can’t have y’running off” he told Stardust and chuckled, leaving the cigarette between his lips as he walked over to her, guiding her over to the tree, and hooking her right rein around a branch before sitting back down.

“Yeah…I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere so…” she trailed off, looking at all the trees and running water.

“Green?” Carmy lit his cigarette, taking a drag. “Not packed with smog? Somewhere that doesn’t smell like shit.” He said as he exhaled.

“…yeah” she said and laughed a bit. “Yeah. Guess that’s it.” She came and sat next to him. “What did you mean about her getting scared?” She asked curiously.

“Oh- a scared horse will fucking kill you. Not on purpose, but they’re big and pure muscle, and will do anything to get away from danger. I scared the shit out of her one time, that was it. Dislocated my shoulder 8th day here. Doing that hurts like a bitch by the way.” He rolled his shoulder gently.

“How’d you manage that? God I knew you were shit at chatting up girls but she dislocated your shoulder?” She teased.

He rolled his eyes with a playful smile, taking another drag. “Yes, I was fuckin around on the trail, dunno why- but there was this branch sticking out so I grabbed it, it snapped, she fuckin reeeared dude. I flew back so hard. My back might still be bruised I’m not sure. Still hurts a little to laugh” he said.

“You better have seen a doctor” she said.

“Ohhh silly Syd.” He sighed, a puff of smoke filling the air in front of him. “We aren’t allowed to refuse treatment here. If you get hurt, and you refuse to get help, it’s considered self harm, which leads to them believing you have suicidal ideation, which leads to you being locked in the actual nuthouse. So yes. I willingly went to the doctor daily for a week. And now, I’m being checked on once a week. So yeah. Oh and therapy daily. And every day I’m given my meds and someone checks over ‘pre-existing injuries’ which that is now considered. So yeah. I’m good. I’m fuckin fine as fine can be.” He said.

“Awww poor little chef, being taken care of so well that’s so hard isn’t it?” She teased and he gives her a playful glare, but couldn’t help but crack a smile when he realized she was smiling too.

“I was being taken care of fine at home by myself but you and my sister just had to ship me off after one tiny accident” he leaned back on his hand, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“It stops becoming an accident when you didn’t care, Carm. You didn’t care. It didn’t phase you. You weren’t even…you weren’t even scared. Just because you didn’t do it on purpose doesn’t mean you did the sane thing which would have been doing everything you could to not let something like that happen.” She said, her tone suddenly serious.

He looked down at his lap, swallowing thickly. He suddenly felt all of the armor he’d spent the last 31 days chipping at, slowly start to meld back together and shell him back in at the shame the whole situation was making him feel.

“I have nightmares…you know. About it. What happened” she said quietly, and he could physically feel his heart ripping open.

The only sound between them was the bubbling stream, and the sounds of their even breaths.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, gaze fixed on his lap knowing he would burst into tears at the admission she’d been so deeply plagued by something he’d done, if he had looked at her.

“I know” was all she said, gently resting her hand on top of his. He felt the same fireworks exploding in his chest that he only ever felt when she was around.

“Do you um…” he clears his throat and shook his head, embarrassed by the question plaguing his mind. “Never mind it’s..it’s stupid.” He removed his hand, putting his cigarette in it and resting the hand opposite of her on the rock.

“That usually means it’s not stupid. What?” She coaxed, bumping his knee with hers gently.

“It’s stupid” he said again, shrugging his shoulders.

“It can’t be stupider then asking me what UPS means” She said playfully. He rolled his eyes, smiling and looking over at her.

“And what if it is?” He questioned.

“I would be..worried they’re giving you a bad concoction of meds that’s turning your glorious chef brain in to Swiss cheese” she teased

He snorts a laugh. “I was gonna ask..if you wanted to cook..t’night. My cabin…it uh- has a kitchen? I haven’t cooked in a month. They give us food so I haven’t really bothered but…seeing you makes me miss it more, I guess” he blushed, looking back down at his lap.

“Well obviously. Not gonna let you eat whatever bullshit they’ve been giving you while I’m around.” She said and he shook his head, meeting her gaze once more with a playful smirk.

“Maybe you should check in. My therapist says it’s bad apparently to feel ‘responsible for others’ - says it’s a ‘subconscious self harming behavior’ “ he teased.

She smiled a bit. “Okay- say I do. How about, I check in now, we shoot the shit for what- eleven more days- then, you go back home- and see how stressful it is in that restaurant when one of your hands is basically missing” she plucked the cigarette bud he’d forgotten about from between his fingers before it burnt him, flicking it into the creek.

“You know that’s the first time I’ve seen you smoke- other then…me like checking on you when you were about to explode at work. But you’ve never…pulled one out and smoked it I guess” she said, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her cheek on her forearm as she looked at him.

“Oh…” he said, pulling one of his legs up and resting his arm on it. “Didn’t realize you noticed” he said, brushing some dirt off his jeans.

“I notice a lot of stupid shit about you, it’s kinda annoying honestly.” She said without thinking, her eyes widening when she realized and she looked the other way, resting her other cheek on her knee and squeezing her eyes shut.

Why would you ever say that?! She asked herself internally.

“Oh?” He said again, smiling a bit. “You do?” He questions, but that was as far as he’d push.

“Mhm” was all she responded. Carmys phone started buzzing in his pocket and he pulled it out in case it was one of the ‘base keepers’ they called them. Carmy rather call them babysitters. He knew what they were for, being sure if they were out of sight too long they were making sure they could still get ahold of them.

He sighed in relief when he saw it was just his 2:40 alarm. “Gotta go” he stood up, offering his hand to Syd. “Like- now. Or my ass is getting chewed out.”

The ride back to the cabins was mostly silent. He had no stool this time, so he had to pick up Syd essentially by the ass and gently place her on Stars back so she didn’t get spooked.

He was embarassed as fuck that the tiny action had the crotch region of his jeans tightening more then was casually explainable. Thank god no one was around to see him awkwardly hop in the way of his semi hard third leg down his left pant leg, grunting but covering it with a dry cough when she settled her ass back into him to ‘center their gravity’

Syd absolutely felt the firmness pressing into her ass. She thought it was a bit funny, but also brushed it off to the strange friction that came with riding a horse. She couldn’t allow herself to fully believe his teenage like excitement was due to her, or she’d go insane.

Carmy dropped Syd off at his cabin, giving her the key and telling her he’d put up Stardust and be back by 5, she would be blushing if it weren’t for her mahogany complexion at the domesticity of it all - er what she could imagine domesticity with Carmy would feel like.

Her panties were also soaked through from the feeling of his enormous length pressed into the curve of her ass - the entire way back - but she just chalked that up to not getting laid for a few months, and misreading his natural arousal for him being horny- she quickly pushed the thought down and just chalked it up to the horse. Because guys get hard when they ride horses…right? Right?!

Carmen arrived to therapy extremely frustrated, and extremely ready to talk. He sat down in his regular spot in the back, tapping his knee nervously and covering his crotch with his hands. Luckily, thinking about his mother was enough to make him soft nearly instantly so he had that to thank her for at least.

“Alright guys!” Julienne, the usual Friday therapist came in, sitting in her spot in the circle. “Who is up today! We are-“ she looks at her iPad “oh! Yes this is another OP class, so- no pressure but, I wanna hear what’s goin on!” She crossed her legs.

Julie was far from his favorite therapist, at Blue Lotus. But he wasn’t his least favorite. So he would still talk. He cleared his throat, raising his hand slightly.

“Carmy?! What a treat! Okay what’s up” she grabbed her little stylus pencil. He bit the inside of his lip nervously. He despised how casual she tried to make this all feel.

“Uh…so- my um…business partner, she came to see me. I guess I haven’t been…keeping touch? Enough? She just said she was worried…” he cleared his throat again, gaze fixed on his lap. “And uh…I’m startin’ t’-t’realize stuff?” He sniffled nervously, rubbing his mouth with slightly clammy, nervous hands.

“She uh..” he chuckled a bit. “She…she just…showed up. Didn’t hear shit from ‘er. She probably knew that I’d uh…I’d tell ‘er no?” He finally meets the gaze of Julie.

“Okay. You know guests are allowed right? Like- during the visiting hours, 6am to 11pm, no fraternizing between patients but-“ Carmen cuts her off

“We aren’t - no. Not fraternizing” He shook his head. “But uh…today? We were- we were sitting. This spot, near uh, Jupiter point? On the north side. And I had this- this urge T-to tell her…everything.” He shook his head, looking at the floor again.

“So…you wanted to tell her you love her?” Jesse, one of the guys he’d had lunch with a few times piped up.

“T’be honest, I don’t know.” Carmen said honestly, looking at him.

“Well what does it feel like?” Jesse asked, sitting up a bit.

“What? Like- what does what feel like?” Carmen asked curiously.

“Her. Being with her. Talking to her? Inside. Like. Your chest. Your skin?” He questioned.

“Uh…” Carmen sat back, swallowing thickly and crossing his arms over his chest. He thought for a moment.

“Hot. I get hot. All over. My chest feels tight but - but good? Like- a hug almost. And then…when she…” he blushed, looking down with a shy smile. “When she touches me” he shook his head slightly. “When she touches me it’s like um.. fireworks? Like fireworks beneath my skin.” He chuckled a bit at how cheesy it sounded.

“And you haven’t fucking nailed her?” Jessie asked plainly.

Carmen furrowed his brows, glaring at him. “No” he clenched his jaw “I haven’t.” He snips.

“Dude- you are- pussy whipped with no pussy?! You- you love her, Carmen. You love this chick. I feel like I’m looking in a weird straight mirror - the first time-“ he laughed a bit “the first time I kissed a guy- god. He was so hot. But I had no idea! I had no idea. I really thought that I was just-“ he shook his head “that I was just wanting to befriend him? Or something? But like- I wanted to fuck him. And when I did kiss him? Something unlocked in my brain dude. It was like…like a whole new world. I felt like I knew - I knew what love could feel like? Just ‘cause of that one kiss “ he shrugged.

Carmen looked at him, arms crossed, trying to absorb everything he was saying even though every fiber of his former self was screaming to take it with nothing more than a grain of salt.

“Kiss her dude. Kiss her.” Jesse said and sat back in his chair.

“Well. Although, consensual sexual instances are against the code of conduct to discuss - I am very proud to see you two coming out of your shells. Has anyone else felt… confused in their romantic endeavors and would like to share?” Julie asked.

Carmen crossed his arms tighter, looking down at his lap. This was quite unusual for him, he was one of the patients to only add what he had to to be credited during inpatient, and during outpatient - only spoke when he really and honestly had to.

“Uh-“ the super tall girl, Shayna sits up. Carmen was never really sure why she was here. She looked…perfect by all means. Perfect skin, perfect nails, pretty face, long blonde hair, a perfect body by girl standards. Or at least what Carmen had understood of them.

“Not really the same.. but before I came out? I like…I would uh buy…girl clothes. That I liked. For my girlfriends at the time…” she blushed “and um.. I realized after a while that I liked them. And I wasn’t just..wanting to see my girlfriend in them. And like- it’s not the exact same, but when he said… about how Jesse realized he wanted the guy. That’s how I felt when I finally tried the clothes on” she shrugged.

Carmen was…aghast. He just simply stared at her. He’d never met- or thought- he’d ever met a trans person before today. But…Shayna?

Well- he was wrong because he had met her, they actually knew each other fairly well as far as patients go, she joined the program when he did. When they first met, she’d made a joke about how they were the tallest girl and shortest guy in the class, so that meant they were bound to be friends, since opposites attract - and that earned a chuckle out of him before his meds had even fully evened out.

“I love the cis-and-confused look- it’s cute” she said and laughed a bit. Carmen blushed, smiling a bit.

“Not confused- well, maybe. Maybe a little. Y’Just so…dainty? I dunno..” he shrugged.

“In case you haven’t noticed- mr.little man syndrome- you’re only one out with the cows doing the hay on time in the morning. Ninty percent of the group is your version of dainty ” Jesse teased.

“Jesse” Julie gives him the look. “I’d assume that means- the rest of you that aren’t out helping with the bales- are scraping out the cow pens? Since Carmen is doing all the hard work according to you.”

“I’m not girl- fuck no! The second I got out of inpatient house arrest? I walked my happy ass down to Walmart and bought me some blackout curtains. I recommend those to all of you! Oh my god and some ear plugs!! The stupid fucking roosters! Worst 15 days of my lifeee! I’m never coming back here peace and love to you all though. Truly. Can’t stand this cow shit stank ass place.” Shayna said dramatically, causing Carmen to chuckle a bit.

He had loved her boldness since they’d met. If Shayna didn’t want to do something- she wasn’t doing it. He learned that the day the staff tried to force her on anti-depressants. One of the main therapists got a Wellbutrin straight to the eye, they never attempted that battle the same way again.

“We know Shayna you aren’t shoveling scat, princesses don’t do that” Jesse mocked her valley girl tone.

“Okay! Okay. Alriiiight! Back on track- done with the bickering!” Julie said. “Now that open call is over let’s move on to breakthroughs. This issss-“ she looks at her iPad “ah- yes! D group. So. That makes it-“ he checks her watch “ah- right. 11 days! How are your light tunnel projects going?” She questioned.

Carmen’s chest tightened, but not in the Syd is smiling or he made Syd laugh way- in the - I haven't done something I was meant to do way.

The Light Tunnel project wasn’t hard. It was simply one thing you have done that you had wanted to do when you came into the program. And Carmy knew what his answer was,

Admit how he felt to Sydney.

Or, as his Therapist- Mandy told him ‘become more truthful with yourself and those you know about how you feel’ because “counting on someone to like him back would put him at square one” he had pretended to understand, but knew that he had to tell her and soon - or he was going to really go insane.

“ my light tunnel was to talk to my asshole father- but lucky for me I just caught wind the motherfucker finally died thank god. So by default I win and don’t have to be here anymore cause his abandonment was what fucked me up anyhow“ Shayna said jokingly, causing Carm to snort a laugh. He knew she was only joking about the leaving early part, not the father part. Her father was an even bigger piece of shit then Carmen’s was, he had come to learn.

“Mmm that isn’t how it works we know that Shayna. We’ll talk more about this in one to one “ Julie told her and Shayna crossed her long legs, looking out the window.

The last 20 minutes of the session Carmen sat silently, looking out the opposite window to Shayna, watching the horses running around in the field before they got called in for dinner and just spacing out, thinking about what he may say to Syd.

“Yo - Carm space cadet” Shayna said before kicking his boot he jumped a bit, looking up at them both and had realized the room since had cleared and Julie was preparing for her next session.

“Shit.” He said “how long have I been like…like that?” He asked, his cheeks feeling hot.

“It’s the OCD meds. They get you stuck in a happy thought loop sometimes. Are you just gonna sit here? You wanna do another hour of this with sniveling group a? They got here three days ago.” Jesse said. Carm shook his head, getting up.

“No- no sorry” he said starting with them outside. Shayna laughed a bit

“You were thinking of screwing that business partner aren’t you. “ she said, causing Carmys cheeks to go pinker.

“Shayna shut up!” Jesse scolded, pushing her shoulder lightly.

“Awwww carmyyy are your feelings hurt little buddy? Do you need a hug? Jesus men are such pussys” she pushed open the doors of the therapy cabin for them.

“Let me see pictures of this hot chick. If you don’t fuck her I will and I bet I’d do a better job” Shayna teased as they started heading back towards the cabins.

Carmen couldn’t even process what she said as he felt his breath get caught in his chest, he saw her. She was sitting on the porch of his cabin, criss-cross in one of the rocking chairs as she writes in her notebook. He couldn’t help but stop and stare at the way the setting sun hit her bronze skin, her curls casting intricate patterned shadows on the wood. He felt his heart pick up, his chest squeezing in that way, the way that only happened when he saw her.

Shayna and Jesse stopped after a few moments when they realized Carm had gotten stuck behind. They both follow his gaze carefully to see what he was so fixed on, like a trance.

“Holy fuuuck!!! Holy fuck how did I get this lucky!! She’s here? She’s here still?!” Shana asked excitedly, “oh my god- you’re getting laid- tonight” she excitedly skips up to the cabin and Syd looks up, locking eyes with her before seeing Carmen just a few paces behind. “I’m Shayna! Do you and Carm wanna hang out with us tonight?”

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡

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artofhazbinhotel · 4 months

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Class of 09 as The Vees part 3

Valentino: If you were my boyfriend, what would you do for me?

Vox: I don't know, anything you want?

Valentino: Anything? Damn. So any depraved ass shit you're just down for?

Vox: For you? Yeah

Valentino: Could I choke you while we make out?

Vox: If you want

Valentino: Could I smack the shit out of you in public?

Vox: Yes please

Valentino: Self esteem

Vox: Am I too desperate?

Valentino: No, not your self esteem, my self esteem, it's through the roof right now

Valentino: You think I'm just another sheep, don't you?

Velvette: Is sheep interchangeable with dipshit?

Vox: Valentino, you're a cold, corrupt, selfish, psychopathic bitch. Literally the most sadistic fucking whore- I wouldn't be surprised if you like killing animals

Valentino: Haven't tried

Vox: You don't even get mad at the assumption of that! You're severely twisted, evil, manipulative, and in general just a heartless bitch.. Doesn't mean I don't want you every waking moment of my sad fucking life

Valentino: Excuse me?

Vox: You show every sign of an abuser and I don't give a shit. You're the kinda guy who'd choke me goodnight, the kinda guy who'd walk in on me cutting and take the razor blade and do it for me. I don't want a boyfriend to marry, I want a boyfriend who helps me plan my own suicide. You're that man Valentino, I need you bad

Valentino: Bitch you need therapy

Vox: Right, honey?

Valentino: "Right, honey?"

Velvette: Dude I said don't call me that in public

Vox: Oh, I thought it was don't say it in private

Velvette: If I didn't want it in private why would I want it in public??

Velvette: You probably don't even watch anything good

Valentino: You watch Smallville

Velvette: You're evil

Valentino: You're friends with someone who's evil

Velvette: You're friends with someone who watches Smallville

Valentino: Holy shit don't say it that loud!

Vox: But then you gotta ask, would you rather be alone? Or have a hot twisted bitch who demeans you in public but gives amazing head? These are the real questions that plague society

Velvette: But why?

Valentino: That domestically beats me, I have no fucking clue

Velvette: I feel like he sexts in perfect grammar

Vox: Is this really necessary?

Velvette: Is that extra cheese at Chipotle necessary?

Vox: I don't get that every time-

Velvette: I'm so hungry

Valentino: Red lobster cheesy biscuits?

Velvette: Fuck no, chipotle

Valentino: You don't like the cheesy biscuits?

Velvette: They're okay

Valentino: I'm a whore for the cheesy biscuits

Velvette: You say you're a whore for everything

Valentino: Oh yeah, like what?

Velvette: Bottled water, massages, Internet, McDonald's French fries, Percocet-

Valentino: We need to hang out less

Vox: Like you could write a better script

Velvette: Then this? I totally could

Vox: About what?

Velvette: About a girl who's superpower is all her insides are poisonous so if a guy tries to molest her his eyes melt out of his head and he dies in a slow grueling pain

Valentino: So then he can't deny it? That's good

Vox: Why wouldn't you just make it so her superpower avoids getting molested altogether?

Velvette: Who the fuck would wanna watch that? Her superpower is nothing happened? Wow great movie idea

Vox to Sir Pentious on that call be like: You are so fucking pathetic, I hope you kill yourself while your mom watches

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dronarryfest · 6 months

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Well everyone, it's been a bumper final week for Dronarry fest! Here's your chance to catch up on everything you've missed before we post the masterlist. Thank you all to everyone who has been reading along - keep your comments and kudos coming!

[FIC] Snowdrift || E || 8k || by @wolfpants

London is drowning in snow, and Draco and Ron get more than they bargain for when they comfort Harry after - another - bad break up.

💭 Joining in the love for your established Dron here - oh my god. I loved seeing Draco through Ron's eyes, the way they were so in tune throughout all of this. You write atmosphere so well - I felt like I could see this unfolding. - dahlliances

💭 Absolutely brilliant, fantastic dynamic between the three of them, with poor old unlucky-in-love Harry (it wasn't serious 😭) and long-suffering Dron, loved the snippets about them getting together and the late night vibes, and the sex was just gorgeous, really soft and tender but scorching hot (also, let him show you what a real Weasley can do??? HELLO) <3 <3 - sweet_sorrow

[FIC] Stuck In The Middle With You || E || 18k || by @peachydreamxx

“You want a job here?” Ron finally asks, “Taking orders from us?” Malfoy nods shortly. “You want to be beneath Harry and me?” Amusement flashes across Malfoy’s face. “You could say that.” ~ The one where Draco Malfoy walks into Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in need of a job, and Ron, and his co-partner Harry, decide they can show Draco the perks of working there.

💭 HELP MEEEE I FEAR I WONT RECOVER. Gorgeously hot, the POV switches were so fluid and well-done, I loved getting to be in each of their heads. Absolutely incredible! - citrusses

💭 wow wow wow what a stunning take on their relationship. i love the harshness of it at first, and the way they had to work through all of their feelings via sex therapy to get to the love they were all too afraid to give. the sex scenes were SO well thought out, and really didn't hold back on the Dom/sub. i loved seeing draco in a truly subby role, and following ron's journey, and then harry's compassion… really well thought out on all accounts. thank you so much for sharing this with us!

[PODFIC] Silhouettes by sweet_sorrow || E || read by @cailynwrites

Draco's trying to fix the Burrow, Ron's trying to grieve, and Harry... well, just what is Harry actually doing, anyway? A tale of grief, gardening, and ghouls, bad memories, bad puns, and bad flirting, and nudity both accidental and very, very deliberate.

💭 This is one of my FAVORITE Dronarry fics from last year, I'm so glad you decided to record it! Your voice is magnificent and the quality is amazing. I love how you did the voices, too! Thanks so much for sharing it, I have all the feels now 🥰 - Schmem_14

💭 This is top tier Dronarry for me. Thank you so much for recording it and reading a beautiful story so beautifully. - wolfpants

[FIC] Borrowed Time || E || 8k || by @the-starryknight

Harry woke in someone else's bed, sleeping beside someone else's lover. Leaning in is the worst possible solution, right?

💭 oh starry, this is simply gorgeous. I love harry's sensitivity, and his tender feelings towards them, like a bruise, not wanting to hurt them and instead hurting himself in the process. romantic and stunning and hot (and funny, too, esp. the roleplay near the beginning). I don't think you've forgotten anything <3 - thehoneybeet

💭 Gosh, this was such a wonderful and sexy read. I love the way you characterised all three of them, the way they’re so gentle with each other, the way they’re all so clearly smitten. “ I don’t think,” Harry started, “I could survive that.” - this is such a great line!!! I could not put this down once I started this. It was SO good. Thank you for writing this for us ❤️ - sleepstxtic

[FIC] All This On Display Like That || M || 4k || by @elskanellis

Draco is good at: hosting; drinking; drinking games; duelling; controlling himself when Harry Potter is around; earning a chance to ask undeniably fit Ron Weasley on a date.

💭 This is sexy, funny, beautifully paced DELIGHT. Thank you for that. Can’t possibly say how much I enjoyed it in sort of an evil, chin in my hands sort of way. 😈 - shealynn88

💭 Good golly gosh! You can’t see but I’m gleefully kicking my feet with how delightful this was to read. I remembered your snippet of Draco’s declaiming and I’m so delighted to finally read it in situ! This was so fun, so sweet, so descriptive, so sharply narrated - an absolute delight AND a triumph. Thank you! - rainstormradish

[FIC] Bike Dream || E || 27k || by @dodgerkedavra

Draco’s going to learn to ride a bike if it’s the last thing he does.

💭 god i love your writing. your worlds are so FULL. so much love and struggle and support and HAPPINESS!! i laughed at so many different points in this fic but i also absolutely cried, and those are my favorite kind of fics. thank you so much for sharing this!!! - pocket-lin

💭 Your characterizations are incredible- as always, such a treat to read your writing. Thank you for sharing!

#dronarry fest 24 #dronarryfest #dronarry #draco malfoy #ron weasley #harry potter #week 3 roundup

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storiesofsvu · 30 days

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Okay, I just finished reading Classified Affair and I really needed a cute story with Ms. Dunber, maybe a story with a few chapters? Just kidding, unless someone accepts :)? Well yeah, but the thing is, this story really got me in so many different ways, you know, and you are a complete talent for being able to transform me into this emotional mess, and after reaching the end I can only thinking "Wow, a new story (because I've read everything you've written) would be great." I think it's amazing how it was possible to go from loving to hating to liking Heather again in the story, and it really makes me think how things would be if the way she acted in relation to the confession of love, if things had happened differently perhaps under different conditions, or with her knowing how to take the lead and solving things as it should. Dude, sorry for the monologue, lol, but I don't know, the story really touched me and nothing fairer than me sharing this with the person who made it. I just wanted to let out everything that made me feel this story, thank you for your time and sorry for anything.

hahahah yeah that one's a wild ride.

I currently don't have any requests for Heather. I've gone one tiny little WIP but it is a leftover from a holiday bingo last year so it won't be picked up til Nov/Dec. Feel free to take a look through some prompt lists and if something jumps out at you, send in a request or two! (i am no longer writing series, mini series or two parters though)

As for CA:

-first, thank you!

-second: there is a follow up series that takes place I think 7 years (and oh so much therapy) later where Heather's back in DC and slowly repairing her relationships.

-third: for CA I have this version of Heather in my head that is an alternate universe sort of era. There's a lot that goes into making her this twisted, toxic person that she is and that starts a very long time ago and is enforced by every big decision that she has to make in her life. This is gonna get long so it's going under a readmore and this is kinda my character study of her in this fic/universe i guess lol

i've toyed around with writing a prequel for this fic to explain why she is the way she is and it's basically this

-heather knew she wanted a successful career from the start, that she wanted a government job and wanted to get as high up (and thus powerful) as she could, esp if that meant a presidency. That's what she's been focused on since day one. She knows that she has a higher chance of being a better candidate if she has the picture perfect family, white picket fence and all. Even if it may not be what she wants. She marries her high school sweetheart, her first kid is meticulously planned and born in the gap between college and law school. her second was an earlier surprise and ends up being born while she's finishing law school. This leaves them living out of state with the help of house staff that she doesn't really know with the kids. I kinda also canon becca to have been a super needy baby that heather didn't know how to deal with, hence why she ends up high key resenting her as she grows up.

-So she's trapped into all of this from a very young age, she knows that in the long run it'll help with what she wants but in the moment, she kinda hates it and ships them off to boarding school as soon as she can to get some of the major stress out of her life. Because of course she has incredibly high standards for herself in all aspects of life and she feels like a failure of a mother.

-there are two major components of life that can turn people into worse people and those are power and money. Heather has had money all her life, and like, a fuck ton of family money that isn't going anywhere. She's likely already used to throwing money around to get what she wants and isn't used to being told no (and this comes up n one of the follow ups that it's a generational thing, her mom is just as bad as she is). With the power, you'll notice in CA that the closer she gets to that presidential spot, the more she starts to lose it. That's all she can see, she's blinded by it and only her career. She's watching her family fall apart around her, being served divorce papers, and she doesn't actually hit rock bottom until she's lost her job. That's when things start to come a little clearer for her.

-I explain this because: if you asked her (prior to all the therapy lol) she 100% did react properly to the reveal that yn had developed feelings. Heather went into every SB relationship with contracts, ndas and expectations. They knew she was marred and she both couldn't and wouldn't give that up to risk a try at something that might not work and would definitely damage her political image. She went extra hard on yn about it to create that clean break if yn wasn't able to get her shit together, so she wouldn't come crawling back, if that makes sense.

-by the time we meet heather in this story, she's just already toxic af. and she doesn't know right from wrong because she's been so wrapped up in her head and doing whatever she has to to get what she wants. she's so twisted that she doesn't even know herself by the end of it. AND let's not forget that somewhere along the way she's also likely having some kind of sexual identity crisis too lol.

-i have had some people say that they could see heather and yn working out if they worked through things, or that they *should* but i personally do believe that yn saw toxic and slowly figured out she wanted out, that there was no way to make it work even if heather wanted to. there would be so much to untangle considering heather legitimately owned her by that stage. everything important heather had bought. there was a HUGE power imbalance and financial imbalance and that's exactly why heather went for her in the first place. there could be some speculation that yn was the first girl heather *actually* had feelings for and that sparked an even bigger fire to the explosion because heather was even more confused at herself and didn't know how to untangle that web. she went back to her default of being mean. and i think in all three parts of the story that piece is never really figured out, heather's not sure. so that's left up to the readers interpretation

anyways, i don't know if that's the kind of response you wanted but that's what ive got for you lol. thank you for your kind words, i hope you're having a wonderful day!

no reason to apologize and always feel free to come scream in my inbox about my fics (especially ones like this lol)

#heather dunbar #classified affairs

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molitva-ne-pomozhet · 1 year

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my cute guys are together again🤧🤧

yeah, I just ended read "a glitch in time" and, wow, this was so good, I'm really impressed and just love it. It's just the best continue for the show that I can imagine at all. Characters had the great development, especially Danny and Vlad. I'm glad to see than after "the good ending" Danny understood that he never did what he want, he just did. And I'm happy he understood himself. Its just the perfect development for him in my opinion. And Vlad, god, he was so cool and funny in this comic, i love him, and he got that he needs a therapy hehe. And the historic designes were cool, yknow, maybe I'll draw some in one day, when I ended with my big art with my ocs.

and I'm really surprised that authors essentially erased the ending of series. It's just funny to me idk why but I like it

oh, and the past-title scene was cool and I'm excited to see more content about parental Vlad and Dan in new body. And I really like his fan name Van

Well, yeah, thanks if you read this scattered thoughts writing with my broken eng (sorry abt that)

#danny phantom #dp spoilers #agit spoilers #a glitch in time #i hope you understand something cuz i didn't even wrote a big text like this in english never its so weird #talk tag

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whoslaurapalmer · 2 months

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okay so many book of bill thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ⚠️

-me, earlier: i hope it is as good an experience as journal 3, tasty little tidbits and lots of decoding and sticky notes and everything.......... -AND IT WAS!!!!!!!

-i know the big fear going in was like, we were gonna get too much bill backstory and it would ruin him as a character, and i'm so so so thrilled that THAT WAS NOT WHAT HAPPENED -we got a little more to add to the 'flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams' and a little more about how bill felt about living there and his hand in destroying it and honestly to me it was just. perfect. just some extra little things to think about with nothing really, truly concrete -definitely something to chew on with bill saying 'a monster' destroyed his home and him being 'twisted out of shape after the kill' and that he'd consider changing it.. like there's definitely a way to take it maybe as a tragic backstory but it also doesn't have to be because there's still so much we don't know about how it happened. and bill has........so many multitudes -like, i think, even if he has regrets? bill would do it again. he 'looked at the stars' and wanted to be one and mutilated his home world for it and although it wasn't his intent i really do think he'd do it again. there's probably a version of bill that has done it again -like personally i'm pleased with it, i'm not thinking overly hard about it, i think it's just something else to yeah chew on, and keep chewing

-aaaaa there's just SO MANY THINGS to talk about. so many fucking things!!!

-i love the page setups! i love the like, science book looking pages. the ads. the omnipresent superficial physicality of a non-physical being. -AND -HOLY SHIT -THE GREAT GATSBY -JUST, THERE, FIVE PAGES OF THE GREAT GATSBY -GREAT GATSBY -incredible. absolutely so, i'm still laughing

-THE TROLLEY PROBLEM PAGE. THE TEST. THE 90S 'SQUINT TO SEE A PICTURE' PICTURE. MCKAYLEIGH. THE REFERENCE TO THE FAKE JOURNAL AUTHOR LEAKS. THE 'IT WAS ALIENS' MEME. WOULDST THOU LIKE TO LIVE RIDICULOUSLY. ABE LINCOLN RATATOUILLE. CIPHER, I CHOOSE YOU! THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS PUDGYLILDARLINS TRI ANGELS COLLECTION, BY MARTHA

-no I REALLY thought we were gonna get CONFIRMED SAME COIN. on the chapter cover for bill's origins he's literally coming through the wall of stan and ford's childhood living room. stan's page going 'how is bill even writing this anyway?? where is he??' the stress from the axolotl on 'different form'. I was sooooooooo anxious to turn the page at the end bc I was like oh my god is this it. is this it. IS THIS IT -it was not! -but goddamn. -although. wait. actually really reading the therapy part with my brain in gear compared to seeing it last night -yknow....................i mean...................he's eligible for reincarnation if he "completes" therapy -so -so -SO -HELLO??????????????????????????????????? -WAIT????????????????? -is it. are we considering. this is happening

-I felt the delight and horror and heartbreak that only ford's journal entries can make me feel. godddddddddddddd -GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -i've always stood by, ford loved bill but bill only saw ford as someone easy to manipulate and, yeah, absolutely seduce, but that bill very much never felt the same way -and I still generally stand by it but also. wow yeah ford was very. special and exciting and desirable to bill. his idiot his genius his perfect vessel and partner, better than anyone else bill ever tried to use before him. and bill was very much enamored by how much ford revered him and wanted his company -THE. THE FUCKING KARAOKE PAGE?????????????????? -hand to my mouth, wide-eyed in horror -right up there with the sinking, heart-wrenching experience of the 'my muse lied to me' pages in journal 3

-"but then he'll disappear for weeks, months at a time, and i am left to wonder. has it all been in my head? and if it has...would that be enough?" FORD.........................

-ford: are we still partners? bill: LOOK YOU'RE THE ONE CAVORTING WITH A HILLBILLY me: y'all. i swear to god.

-bill: no i was soooooo totally fine when ford locked me out of his mind and his life and stopped doing what i wanted him to do soooooooooo okay with it ahahahahaha the police report: he was NOT FINE

-"I know sixer secretly loved our 'will-they-won't-they-destroy-the-world' relationship. this was just his way of keeping things spicy!" BILL

-bill: i will NOT talk about the removed henchmaniac (who i swear to god looked like fucking JHESELBRAUM????? it has to be jheselbraum.) but LET ME GIVE YOU ALL THE HOT DEETS ABOUT GETTING BETRAYED AND STABBED IN THE BACK BY A HUMAN. UHHH I MEAN. WOW WHAT AN ASSHOLE, HUH???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-bill: i'm totally gonna be on the lookout for My Prophesied Enemy. They Will Definitely Not Get Me! No Sir!!! -also bill: WOW WHAT A TASTY HUNK OF HUMAN SURELY PINNING ALL MY DESIRES ON HIM WILL NOT BACKFIRE ON ME IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. THIS WAS NOT A PROPHECY OF MY DEMISE BUT SURELY MY SUCCESS!!!!!!

-mabel: BILL SOUNDS LIKE A CREEPY EX BOYFRIEND me: mabel my beloved mabel it's mabel my blorbo i love her so much and she's RIGHT

-dipper and mabel: you tried to kill my sibling and if i ever see you again it's On Sight Murder :) me: i love them :') oh my god :') my babies :')

-mabel in journal 3: i found this note where bill was gonna make dipper kill himself so that's horrifying ford in journal 3's missing pages: he literally could have made me kill myself so that's a thing that's happening -AND THEN BILL TRYING TO CALL STAN AND SAYING IT TOO

-oh my god and mcgucket!!!!!! and ford's crush on him too and their college photograph and fiddleford making him gloves and trying multiple times to make them, and making him a snowglobe and them celebrating the holidays together and just :(

-bill giving ford rats vs mcgucket giving him mittens. and fiddleford DIDN'T EVEN GET HIS WIFE A CHRISTMAS PRESENT

-and ford finding dipper and mabel's footprints from the time traveler's pig outside his door and looking to see if there were any kids lost in the woods my whole fucking heart oh my god :(

-bill: YOU GOT 72 HOURS, I'M GONNA SEND SOMEONE TO STEAL YOUR EYES MAN, NOT KIDDING ford to stan when he arrives: DID YOU COME TO STEAL MY EYES????? me: god nothing does tasty callbacks and everything like gravity falls. i love it so much -like he's so GOOD at revealing the right things about a story at the right time and place but NEVER revealing too much. never saying everything. there's clearly always more but we will never get it all. which is so nice -like i was READY after all this time to get a couple more details but nothing concrete. and i love it so much and it's just -aaaa! -anyway!!!!

-bill: see i went no contact with my home dimension, they were holding me back me: oh bill's the kind of guy who goes to therapy and uses the like, "therapy buzzwords" wrong, you know what i mean? me: and oh god he's not even IN therapy yet

-wendy dreaming about her mom :( -pacifica having nightmares about not breaking her family's cycle of abuse :( -HEY. HEY WHAT ARGUMENT DID DIPPER OVERHEAR. HELLO???????????????? -was that brought up in journal 3????? i do not remember and i gotta go back through bill to do the decoding so i can't reread journal 3 right away but fuck i really want to now -but also HELLO OKAY WHAT WAS THAT ARGUMENT ABOUT?????????????

-so fascinated. intrigued. wide-eyed about the parallel universe dipper and mabel part. universes where the pines family didn't win........all those different versions of them........

-"THEN HEADBUTT THE MIRROR TO SHOW HIM WHO'S BOSS!!!!" -ahahaha.......haha..............ha...........................

-ROBERT RENZOBBERT SR AND "the gentleman's two-handed hooting bird removal scoop" oh my god -and pitt bros!!!!!!!!!

-"in lieu of an answer, stanley submitted a drawing of a possum with a knife." SHANKLIN THE STAB POSSUM!!!!!! SHANKLIN THE STAB POSSUM MY BELOVED IT'S SHANKLIN THE STAB POSSUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-ford: i was whistling a 1960's tune. james and bobby, i believe? me: wait like the boys????? like my boys????? like the dream of james hurley and bobby briggs in their silly boy band???????????? oh nah probably not. me: /googles google: behold! james and bobby purify singing i'll be your puppet me: OH NO. FUCK. OH MY GOD. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

-the fucking sticky notes oh my god

-okay finally did all the decoding -- was able to get bill's language myself which was so much fucking fun (minus 4 letters that i just think aren't used at all???) and i had to look up the runes. then as i was translating them i realized the alphabet was IN the book which i had never fucking considered and REALLY SHOULD HAVE. thanks hirsch!!

-oh my god the two owl house references in the runes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! awww..........

-okay i think i decoded everything. i think. i THINK i have spent all day doing it and i'm tired. god what a glorious experience

#looking at it all again did it IN FACT confirm same coin????? you know what. actually. actually. MAYBE???????!!!!!!!!#ANYWAY I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT GRAVITY FALLS CONTENT IN THIS THE YEAR 2024!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!

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xomakara · 9 months

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The Highlights of Romance

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Chapter length - 2,342 words

Chapter 007 - Kisses

You woke up with a smile on your face as you recalled what happened between you and Mark last night. You finally managed to share a kiss with him. It may not have been much but it was definitely more than enough for you. You had spent the rest of the evening talking to him and spending some quality time together. He even gave you a few tips on how to improve your writing. Despite the lack of sex, you definitely enjoyed yourself. Perhaps this whole thing wouldn't be so bad after all.

You pondered on what you should do today. Maybe you'd go visit your brother at the company and maybe ask if your sister-in-law popped out the baby yet. Other than that, you didn't really have any plans. You grabbed your phone and checked your calendar. Surprisingly, there weren't any appointments scheduled for today. How convenient. At least that meant that you could spend some time working on your new story.

After you got ready, you grabbed your purse and left the apartment. The streets were empty since it was early in the morning. Since you were going to a café, you decided to leave your car at home and walk instead. While the weather was nice, it wasn't exactly hot outside. In fact, it was rather chilly, reminding you of fall. The air felt fresh, cool against your skin. You took a deep breath, inhaling the crisp scent of the outdoors. The sun was starting to peek above the horizon, casting its rays upon the world below. It would soon be another beautiful day.

As you reached the entrance of the café, you felt someone tap your shoulder. You turned around and saw Mark smirking at you from behind. He wore a blue hoodie, matching pants and sneakers. As always, he looked ridiculously good.

"Morning." He greeted you.

"Morning Mark." You smiled, hugging him tightly. "No working in the office today?"

Mark shook his head. "Nah, your brother told me I didn't have to come in unless it was urgent."

"Great! Let's get breakfast then!" You exclaimed excitedly.

"Sounds fun." Mark laughed, holding the door open for you.

"Thank you." You giggled as you stepped inside. "It's so sweet of you to hold the door for me."

"No problem." Mark shrugged, closing the door behind you. "I was planning on doing something nice anyway."

"Oh really?" You teased. "What was it?"

"Sitting here with you." Mark responded with a smirk.

"Really?" You raised an eyebrow. "That was your 'something nice'?"

"Maybe kiss you senseless but since you're being mean…" Mark smirked.

"I am not being mean." You slapped his arm playfully.

Mark laughed, ruffling your hair. "Fine, fine. I'll kiss you then."

The two of you laughed together, entering the café. You scanned the menu posted on the wall, quickly deciding what you wanted to order. After placing your order, you both settled down on a table nearby, opposite each other.

"So let me ask you a question," You looked at Mark. "It's been swimming in my mind lately."

"Go ahead." Mark smiled. "Ask me anything."

"Have you ever been with an older woman before?" You asked bluntly.

"Wow, you know how to start a conversation." Mark teased. "I thought we were supposed to be focusing on the writing aspect."

"Sorry." You shrugged, scratching the back of your head. "I was genuinely curious."

"Have you been with a younger man?" Mark wondered.

"Sexually, yes." You replied. "Jaehyun, remember?"

"Uh huh." Mark nodded. "But never dated one? Never had a relationship with one?"

"Well…" You trailed off. "I suppose I have been on a couple dates but nothing serious."

"I see." Mark mused.

"Hey, why are you asking me questions when you didn't answer mine?" You scolded him.

"Huh? Oh yeah." Mark scratched his head sheepishly. "Actually, I haven't."

"Really? I thought you'd have some sort of experience with older women." You muttered.

"Is this a date or a therapy session?" Mark asked sarcastically, eyes filled with mischievousness.

"Ohhh, avoiding the topic now, huh? Come on Mark, give it to me straight. Have you ever been with an older woman before?" You asked again. You gave him a teasing grin. "Will I be the first one to break you?"

Mark couldn't help but chuckle. "Okay, I'll admit that I've never actually been with an older woman. But I have a feeling that I will once you're done with me."

You stared at him before laughing. "Haha, you really know how to charm the ladies, don't you?"

"It comes naturally." Mark joked, smiling softly. "I don't even have to try."

The two of you chatted casually for a while, until the waitress arrived with your food. She set down plates of pancakes and bacon in front of both of you before disappearing into the kitchen. Mark picked up a piece of bacon, raising it towards you.

"Wanna share?" He asked, grinning mischievously.

"Sure." You grinned back, reaching out for the bacon too.

As you ate your meal, the two of you talked about random things. Some mundane, some amusing. After breakfast, Mark suggested a walk around the park nearby and despite your initial reservations, you agreed. You needed to get some fresh air anyways. Besides, there wasn't anything wrong with spending some quality time with Mark.

You walked side by side with Mark as you strolled along the paved pathway, taking in the scenery. With autumn having officially started, the leaves had already begun changing color. Orange and red hues littered the ground beneath your feet, making the path look vibrant. You also noticed that there were plenty of couples strolling around hand in hand. It seemed like a romantic place, perfect for dating couples.

You didn't notice it but Mark was holding your hand too. When did he grab it? You hadn't realized it at first. Your mind kept drifting off as you watched couples stroll past, showing affection for one another. This place truly was perfect for couples looking to spend some time together.

"Do you want to stop for a bit?" Mark suddenly asked, breaking you from your thoughts.

You blinked in surprise, looking over at him. "Huh?"

"Do you want to sit down for a little bit?" Mark questioned, gesturing towards a bench a few meters away.

You nodded, following him. "Sure."

The two of you sat down on the bench, taking in the scenery surrounding you. Even though you were surrounded by other people, it didn't bother you. The silence that enveloped you felt comfortable and relaxing. The gentle breeze swept past you, caressing your cheeks and sending shivers down your spine. You glanced at Mark, wondering if he felt it too. The cool wind certainly did seem to affect him.

Your attention was pulled away from the beautiful scenery as Mark started to speak. "It seems like you're happy here." He said, looking up at the sky.

"I guess." You replied quietly. "Where else would I be happier than in a lovely place like this?"

Mark nodded, leaning forward slightly. He rested his elbows on his knees, propping his chin on his hands. He appeared relaxed, probably because he wasn't alone. The cold weather was starting to take its toll on you, prompting you to wrap your arms around yourself, hugging your body closer to yourself.

"Are you cold?" Mark asked, noticing your movements.

"Yeah, a little." You sighed, rubbing your arms.

"Come here." Mark pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your shoulders, pulling you close.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" You whispered.

"I'm sorry, but are you seriously telling me that you want me to let go of you?" Mark whispered back. "I did say that I was going to do nice things for you."

"You're so bad, Mark." You smiled up at him. "I do recall you saying that you'll kiss me too."

"And you remembered." Mark grinned, pressing his lips against yours gently.

A moan escaped your lips as your arms tightened around his neck. You pressed your body closer to him, relishing in the warmth that radiated from him. It almost felt like he was absorbing heat from you, making you feel warm and comfortable. A small blush began to form on your cheeks as you breathed heavily, feeling your heart beating rapidly against your chest. You barely heard the sound of birds chirping in the distance anymore. All you could hear was the pounding of your heart as it tried to catch up with itself.

Mark pulled away, his forehead resting against yours. "Better?"

You giggled, nodding your head. "Yes, thank you."

"Not bad for a younger man, huh?" Mark teased, giving you a cocky smile.

You rolled your eyes, snuggling closer to him. "Mmm...not bad at all."

You had no idea how long you two spent just sitting there, embracing one another in an embrace. Neither of you cared. You felt content, satisfied. It didn't matter that you were technically not a couple, nor were you in a relationship with him. What mattered is that you had found peace and tranquility in his presence. You were able to forget about all the negative thoughts and feelings that were constantly plaguing you these days. Now, everything felt alright again.

"Let's go home. We can work on your project after that." Mark suggested.

"All right." You nodded, standing up from the bench.

He took your hand in his own, leading you back towards the exit. The cool wind that brushed against your face made you sigh happily.

You opened the door to your apartment, letting Mark enter before you followed suit. He closed the door behind you, flicking on the lights as he entered. Both of you started to remove your jackets and shoes before sitting down on the sofa. You immediately sunk into the soft cushions, letting out a deep breath.

"That was nice." You smiled, nuzzling into the soft material.

Mark sat next to you, gazing at you with fondness in his eyes. "Yeah, I agree." He whispered. "So what do you have so far?"

You picked up your laptop, logging onto the document. You showed him what you had so far.

"This is where I'm at right now. I've finished this scene but what comes after is still..." You trailed off, biting your lip nervously. "There's this huge blockage that keeps preventing me from moving on."

Mark listened attentively, silently staring at you. He waited patiently as you explained your predicament. When you finished explaining everything, Mark simply sat there, thinking. His expression remained neutral throughout your entire explanation, not giving away any signs of emotion whatsoever. Eventually, he turned to you, resting his hand on your knee.

"Do you need help with anything?" He asked softly.

"Mmm...more distractions..." You muttered, biting your lower lip.

"How about this?" Mark leaned in, placing his hand on your thigh, stroking it slowly.

You widen your eyes, breathing heavily. "Mark I thought you didn't want..."

"We've gotten closer haven't we?" He murmured, leaning in closer. "Let me ask you again...Do you like me?"

"I..." You froze. You knew what he was doing, teasing you. "Do you like me, Mark?"

His eyes softened as he gazed at you, flashing a brilliant smile. "More than you know."

Sighing contently, you leaned into him, bringing your face close to his. His lips met yours, the sweet sensation sweeping through you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, clinging tightly to him. When he pulled away, your breath caught in your throat. He leaned in once more, kissing you tenderly. You melted against him, unable to control your trembling legs.

"Do you like me, Y/N?" Mark whispered against your lips.

You returned his gaze, your voice barely audible. "Very much."

He smiled widely, pressing his lips against yours once more. The intensity of his kisses grew as he continued to deepen them, his tongue swirling against yours. Soon enough, your senses were overloaded, your world collapsing in upon itself. There was no such thing as reality anymore. Everything disappeared as soon as his lips touched yours. It felt like all you could focus on was him. Only him. Nothing else existed anymore except for the two of you. And the feeling that washed over you as his lips lingered on yours, as his hands held yours in his.

Everything faded to black as the world went silent, only the sound of your heavy breaths filling the room. The warmth that spread through you overwhelmed you. That comforting feeling that accompanied him in every moment flooded your body, melting your insides. You were being overtaken by blissful pleasure.

The bliss ended when Mark pulled away, his mouth falling open slightly as he gasped for breath. Your eyes drifted shut as you shook your head.

"Y/N?" He repeated, staring at you intently.

When you finally opened your eyes, Mark was sitting in front of you, watching you closely. Your fingers twitched, itching to reach out for him. They lingered on the edge of the couch for a moment longer before closing your eyes again.

"Mark, I..." You paused, your voice wavering slightly.

"It's okay." Mark whispered, reaching out to take your hand in his.

"What is this feeling?" You whispered, unsure of what to say.

Mark chuckled, shaking his head. "You're falling for me, aren't you?"

You let out a small laugh. "Maybe..."

Mark reached up, brushing his thumb against your cheek. You shivered slightly at the contact. "I'll still take that answer as a yes."

You leaned in, pressing your lips against his once more. This time, the kiss lasted a lot longer. His hands gripped your hips tightly as you tugged him towards you, deepening the kiss even further. His hands moved up your thighs, trailing up your waist. You groaned as he pulled away from the kiss, smiling smugly at you.

"Let's get back to work." Mark chuckled, fingers still entwined with yours. "That should give you plenty of inspiration."

"I think it will."

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#nct #nct stories #nct fanfic #nct imagines #nct 127 #nct dream #nct smut #nct mark smut #mark lee #nct mark #mark #mark x reader

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bluedalahorse · 2 years

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Philosophies of Justice and Narrative Catharsis in Young Royals

Do you ever just have… conversations with yourself at 2 am?

Me: Wow. August did some bad shit. I want him to get therapy and help, but I also want him to face some kinda legal punishment.

Also me: Oh, self. You don’t trust cops or judges or prisons. The legal system would be way harsher on Simon about the drugs. Doesn’t that give you anxiety?

A third me, thousands of words in and possessed by a hyperfocus demon: Well fuck. We might be doing a meta about it. It’s okay, this can just be building blocks for our graduate school thesis on YA literature. Ahaha it’s fine.

The following meta looks at philosophies of justice, both retributive and restorative, as they appear in the worldbuilding Young Royals. This is a monster of a meta, like ~6500 words long, so be aware of that going in. Content note for discussion of all the usual crime topics in YR, as well as the injustices present in real world legal systems.

Intro: Shifting the Focus

Fandom loves discussing—and disagreeing about—the redemption arc. Who can blame us? As human beings, we’re wired to notice novelty, and redemption arcs involve a character experiencing some sort of dramatic transformation. This transformation could be gradually built up to for a series of chapters or seasons, or it could be sudden and jarring. It could involve one big dramatic gesture or a series of small changes. Whatever happens, fans end up debating what they see onscreen.

Now, I love a good discussion. I also love stories that poke beyond simple notions of good and evil, where characters are capable of change in multiple directions, And yet, as someone who has spent years in fandom, I increasingly find the discussion of redemption arcs unsatisfying and even boring. Everyone seems to have their own definition of what constitutes “enough” good deeds for a character’s redemption, and even their own opinions of who is worthy of redemption in the first place. It seems we can’t entirely agree on what the term means, and everyone gets bogged down in discourse.

At first, my dissatisfaction prompted me to ask what I considered a well-written redemption arc. Well, no, that’s not accurate. There was a little arrogant voice inside me telling me that I, the great bluedalahorse, who has devoted many hours of academic study to various literary texts and even made complicated spreadsheets to track ideas in my favorite books, could use my genius analytical skills to find out what a perfect redemption arc is supposed to look like and develop a formula for it. And then I stepped back and laughed at myself. Since when did good writing ever follow a formula? All the best writers know how and when to break the rules. Also, I am not as much of a genius as I think I am. I’m literally just hanging out here and overthinking my fictional faves like the rest of fandom.

A lightbulb moment switched on when I attended a workshop focused on restorative justice in schools, back in the summer of 2022. As I listened and processed the things I was learning, my storyteller brain kept poking me. Hey, it was saying to me. Heyyyy can we use restorative justice principles to write better character arcs? Particularly redemption arcs? I talked to my MFA adviser about this as we began to workshop ideas for a critical thesis in Young Adult literature. We started to explore the ways that restorative justice principles showed up in books like Patron Saints of Nothing by Randy Ribay and All American Boys by Jason Reynolds and Brendan Kiely. I got a little further along in my theories, identifying techniques authors used to show characters confronting their privilege, unlearning old behaviors, and making amends for harm that they caused others. Still, something was missing. I just wasn’t getting where I wanted to with my analysis.

A few weeks ago I had a second lightbulb: what if we stop looking at justice in relationship to character arcs alone, and start looking at worldbuilding?

That clicked. Oh, boy, did it click! You really can’t talk about characters without understanding their world. Once I attended a panel on writing villains, and one of the panelists asserted that you can’t develop your villain as a character until you’ve developed your world. (Whether villains are outcasts hellbent on revenge, or oppressive tyrants at the top of their society, their world plays a role in shaping them.) Since what we call redemption arcs so often involves taking a character out of a villainous space and into a more heroic one, naturally worldbuilding has to be a factor in that kind of story. I also realized that the framing of the “redemption arc” frustrates me because on some level, it’s still tied to the Western Christian idea of individual salvation. I didn’t want to necessarily focus on what what one character does or doesn’t do individually without also focusing on that character’s relationship to other characters and their communities.

So I decided to experiment with shifting the focus of my thesis research. There were only two things left to do: come up with a framework for exploring my ideas, and test those questions out on Young Royals. Because it’s my favorite show, and it has a lot to say about justice. That said, a lot of what I say here and the methods I use could be applied to other shows as well. I’m curious to hear what it might have to say about your other favorite works of fiction!

The Framework

After some drafting during early morning bus commutes, I came up with three questions I wanted to explore when looking at Young Royals and other texts. These questions are:

What is the authorial philosophy of justice? What principles of justice are at play in how the author constructs the characters, world, and storylines?

How is justice enacted (or not) through the legal system(s) in this story’s setting? To what extent do the ideals of that legal system match up with its reality? To what extent should they?

What are the individual characters’ experiences of justice in their day to day life? What social norms do they end up creating in their smaller communities to enforce their ideas of justice?

What I like about this series of questions is that it allows a text to speak in multiple voices. There has been a lot of fandom discourse over the last ten years (and even longer, honestly, this shit goes back at least to Plato’s dialogues) about authorial intent and whether depiction equals endorsement and so on. I don’t think I’m going to end those debates today. Still, I do think it’s worth pointing out that a TV show or a book or a movie is able to tell a story and make a point in a different way than an essay or campaign speech does. You can have different characters own different parts of the truth. A particular setting can be positive for one character and negative for another. Fiction is really good at exploring paradoxes, contradictions, and tensions. I created these questions because they force me to tease out the tensions in a narrative and where there might be meaning in them.

Come on, Blue! you say. We know Young Royals has a lot of tension in it. When are you gonna start talking about your fandom? Okay. Fine. I’ll get to the sad teenagers now. Put on your school uniforms, everyone. We’re going to Hillerska!

No Good or Bad People, Only Good or Bad Actions

The title for this section comes from me paraphrasing Omar paraphrasing Lisa in an interview.

Two questions you may have about this section are: 1. What makes authorial philosophy (a term I am pretty sure I just made up for the purposes of this meta) different than authorial intent? 2. What’s the relationship between the author’s philosophy and their worldbuilding?

To answer question 1, I am defining authorial philosophy for the purposes of this meta as what the author intends + how effectively they convey that through their storytelling and craft. So like, authorial intent, but we’re also holding the author somewhat accountable for how their message comes across. Generally I read Lisa and the rest of the team as pretty intentional in how they craft their stories, and I can see how their ideas play out in practice, so I am more likely to give credence to authorial intent. I might not do that for other authors. As someone who reads heavily in the YA novel field, I’ve seen plenty of books with surface progressivism that end up being kinda reactionary when you scrape beneath that surface. Usually it’s a craft issue or the author not being intentional enogh. Young Royals, so far, has not been that kind of text.

As for question 2, authors can use their worldbuilding to reinforce their authorial philosophy, whether that’s through having characters in the story espouse said philosophy, or by using the story’s plot and character arcs to test their story, or by some combination of the two. Lisa is a writer who affords her characters a lot of grace, but I also see her as willing to test that grace and our her personal philosophy on trial. She’s very aware that ideals don’t always match up with reality, and those tensions are part of what she explores so well in her writing.

Now that we’ve addressed those questions, let’s address the authorial philosophy of Young Royal.

Young Royals stands out from other school dramas because it handles nuance so well. But how do Lisa and her team achieve that nuance? Part of it is the way their approach to characters resonates with the philosophy of restorative justice.

Restorative justice can be defined as “a system of criminal justice which focuses on the rehabilitation of offenders through reconciliation with victims and the community at large.” This website has some additional information about what restorative justice looks like in theory and practice. (Plenty of other websites do as well.) Restorative justice is really hard to pull of IRL, but philosophically it does ask us to think about the ways in which more retributive and punitive justice systems are failing people.

Now, before I get too far into my explanation, I don’t know if Lisa chose a restorative justice approach to her writing on purpose, or how much she’s read about the subject. But a lot of what she prioritizes as a writer lines up with certain RJ principles anyway. For example, RJ practitioners believe that every human being has worth and dignity, and that leaning too far into a retributive justice model (more on that in the next section) can be dehumanizing for both victims and offenders. In Lisa’s writing, each character is humanized, there are no characters who are caricatures. Everyone in Young Royals has their own reasons for behaving why they behave—even when they make choices that harm others. There aren’t excuses, but there are explanations.

Two other important ideas in RJ are accountability and dialogue. Season 2 of YR deals a lot with the question of accountability. Wilhelm’s positive growth is signaled by his willingness to be accountable for his actions; August’s more tragic arc is characterized by his baby steps toward accountability followed by his dramatic backflip away from it.

Regarding dialogue, Wilhelm’s growth is fostered by important and vulnerable conversations with others. Sometimes these conversations are with the people he harmed or impacted in a negative way. He and Felice have to talk their way through the weirdness of that kiss, while he and Simon have to talk about… well, everything. TBH they’re not done talking yet. But they’ve started, and that’s where the progress and catharsis is happening. Other times, Wilhelm’s conversations with other members of the Hillerska community—Nils and Boris come to mind—help him to see things in a new light and clarify his ideals. When we cheer on Wilhelm as he comes to better understand his privilege in the world and the weight that his actions have, we’ve been enlisted by Lisa to support restorative justice philosophy.

No one character represents Lisa’s philosophy entirely, because she’s so committed to all characters being fallible in their own ways, but I would say that of the main cast, the Eriksson siblings and Felice are the most likely to express different parts of restorative justice philosophy. All of them strive to look for people’s human side instead of relying on stereotypes. They want the people close to them to be accountable for their actions. They talk things through. They recognize the needs of multiple people in a situation. This doesn’t happen all the time, with every person, in every instance. They get distracted and led astray. There may be times where it would benefit them to get outside help and they don’t. Sometimes their efforts blow up in their face. But they’re trying, and I think Wilhelm has definitely joined them by the end of season 2.

So sure, all the characters in Young Royals might brush up against the principles of restorative justice, but they still “live in a society” as we may or may not still say on the internet. In order to understand more, let’s talk about the legal system as it’s presented in the show.

Call Your Lawyer Stepdad

As a writer, Lisa may believe in restorative justice principles, and this likely guides how she depicts the characters in her story. The legal systems she depicts in her work, however, are not restorative. What’s more, they are applied unequally based on the identity of the person who breaks laws or rules. Young Royals is very clear about the distinction between the ideals of the law and how the law actually gets enforced.

Obligatory disclaimer: I’m not a law student or someone who’s studied much comparative politics, so I can’t say for sure whether Sweden’s legal system leans more retributive or more rehabilitative. I also can’t say whether the ideals of its legal system match its reality, but I am making a safe guess that they don’t entirely. (Sweden, my ancestral homeland, I love kanelbullar and ABBA, but your current right wing government and your response to the COVID pandemic and your history of colonization, among other things, shows that you are just as capable of bullshit as any other nation. Forgive me if I approach your legal system with caution. If anyone from Sweden or another Nordic country has more info and can weigh in, feel free to weigh in.) It’s also worth mentioning my own preconceived notions here. I live in a country with a massive mass incarceration problem and a legal system that was specifically created to reinforce white supremacy, so my trust in law enforcement and courts and the like is… not high.

What I can say about the legal system in Young Royals is this: the writing of the show primarily focuses on the retributive aspects of the legal system. In a retributive justice system, those who break the law are criminals, and they are punished for their crimes. Punishment is seen as a way of deterring crime and keeping it from happening in the future.

We see the impact of a system like that when legal consequences motivate characters and the choices they make. Simon is afraid of getting caught and prosecuted for bringing drugs into school, while August fears being put on trial and imprisoned for leaking the video. What’s interesting to me, though, is that it isn’t just that both characters fear punishment. They also fear the stigma that comes with being publicly convicted of a crime. Simon doesn’t want to be stereotyped as the poor kid who comes into school and pushes drugs on the rich kids. He knows how dangerous drug addiction can be from witnessing his dad, and he brings the drugs into school out of financial desperation. August, meanwhile, wants to think of himself as an untouchable elite who is discreet about secrets, and probably (more sympathetically) also wants to think of himself as a relatively helpful guy who showed Wilhelm around school and took care of him the way Erik would have wanted. I think it’s very clever how Lisa had Simon and August each break the law in ways that betray their respective core values, because it brings this issue with a retributive justice system to light. Once someone has committed a crime, how do they move past that stigma and make themself into the sort of person who doesn’t do a crime again?

This leads to another issue with retributive justice. We often equate legality with morality subconsciously, but these two ideas are not the same thing. In August’s case, leaking the video is easy enough for us to label—it is both illegal because it is against the law and immoral because it violates Simon and Wilhelm’s right to sexual privacy. Simon bringing in his dad’s drugs—that’s against the law, sure. But is it immoral? Simon is up against a corrupt teacher who rewards students who can pay more with better grades. He needs to pay for tutoring if he want to succeed. He’s at a disadvantage because of his socioeconomic status, and he also probably hasn’t had time to process trauma around his dad’s addiction. From the point of view of a Hillerska parent, however, they’re just going to see Simon as a threat to their kid’s well-being.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Simon’s reasons for breaking the law are absolutely more sympathetic than August’s reasons. I cannot stress this enough. We see the way the system screws Simon over, and how it drives him to do what he does. Simon gets drugs to students who consent to take them, but when August films him and Wilhelm it’s without their consent. Moreover, August is complicit in Simon’s lawbreaking because he ends up being the guy who sells drugs on Simon’s behalf. (Jesus, August, sell a painting or something.) But who is the legal system in the YR universe more likely to give grace to? August. Who is it more likely to come down hard on? Simon. Simon does not have the wealth to afford a trial. He doesn’t have a lawyer stepdad on speed dial. He doesn’t have an in with the media like the royal family does, so he can’t control the public narrative of his life the same way that they can.

On a purely literal level, August dangling the threat of the pill bottle in front of everyone is the most textbook example of August being a little shit. On the thematic, level, however, this reminds us who the justice system really serves. It’s a caution against relying on the justice system—or at least relying on the justice system alone—for narrative catharsis in this story. Instead, we should be looking for narrative catharsis elsewhere. And, we should definitely be looking at more than one character arc if that is the case.

The Only Person You Can Truly Control Is Yourself

While season 2 includes the retributive justice of the legal system as part of its worldbuilding, we also see Wilhelm embody the philosophy of retributive justice through his actions. Wilhelm starts his arc in a place where he wants to punish August for what he’s done by taking away everything he cares about. He justifies this by pointing out the problems with the legal system—rich kids never actually face the consequences of their actions. While Wilhelm is correct to call that out, he ends up transforming himself into a more extreme agent of the retributive philosophy in order to pursue what he sees as justice.

Now, this is a writing gambit that could have failed spectacularly. We’ve all seen versions of the “if we are awful to our enemies, we’re just as bad as them” story that end up reinforcing an icky status quo. But that’s not exactly what happens in Young Royals. The first thing to notice is that Wilhelm’s approach works… initially. August has lost a lot at the beginning of season 2, part of it due to Wilhelm’s efforts, and that’s made him more willing to reflect and be vulnerable and listen to Sara when she tells him he can preserve his self-respect by turning himself in. I actually don’t think Sara’s being entirely naive when she points out that January August would have turned himself over. The problem is that as January August becomes February And March August and starts to gain new things to protect (an in with the palace, a new relationship with Sara) he becomes afraid of losing everything again, and starts to go back to his old ways.

The other thing to notice is that Wilhelm mostly acts alone. Felice is his confidant, but she’s not working alongside Wilhelm, suggesting they swap out August’s hair products with toothpaste. (I kinda wish she would have, though.) In spite of the fact that the video probably hurt Simon even more than it did Wilhelm (reminder: Wilhelm has access to a press team and hired security that let him walk away at first) Wilhelm doesn’t center Simon in the process of doling out punishment. He does it with the best of intentions—he doesn’t want Simon getting hurt—but that moment where Simon’s like “You did ALL THIS TO HIM when we could have reported him together???” Yeah. That’s extremely valid. And it hints at one of the central ideas of s2—yes, dealing with August is important, but priority number one for Wilhelm is Wilhelm taking accountability for his own actions (denying that it was him in the video) and making things right with Simon in that way. With that relationship restored (see what I did there? restorative justice?) they can lean on one another as they slay their next monster. At the end of the day, the person who Wilhelm has the most control over is himself. That’s why we end season 2 on him making the speech and publicly acknowledging his relationship with Simon, not with the arrival of cop cars at Hillerska.

Speaking of the choices Wilhelm decided to make, I invite Young Royals fans to consider how Wilhelm’s role as crown prince give his actions symbolic weight. The royal family may not have real lawmaking power, but they’re still supposed to represent Swedish values and traditions to the general public. If Wilhelm starts pursuing a kind of justice, then he’s making a statement about what justice looks like in Sweden whether he wants to or not. If he had shot August in the field, that would have been more than a murder—symbolically that would have been an execution, in a country that banned capital punishment in the 1970s. (Then again, Stella and Fredrika would probably be okay with that.)

I want to make one more point here as I transition into the next section. I don’t think Lisa is necessarily saying that August shouldn’t be punished or face consequences for his crime. But I do think she’s being very clear that a retributive justice philosophy is going to hit marginalized people without the resources to defend themselves—people like Simon—a lot harder. And that opens up the question of where we’re supposed to find catharsis. Can we really exhale at the image of jail cell doors clanging shut, knowing that this same legal system can come for Simon using the same tools? If Simon somehow manages to evade prosecution, can he ever really find relief? How long will that last? What’s to say the system won’t screw him over in other ways, and what’s to say that other rich kids won’t get away with what August did, or worse?

It would be one thing if a crime only harmed the individuals involved, but restorative justice philosophy reminds us that this harm also impacts communities and involves communities. So, without further ado, it’s time to zoom in and examine how justice plays out (or fails to) in the Hillerska community.

Snitches, Stitches, and Scapegoats

In the microcosm of Hillerska, students have organized their own justice system in miniature. Conformity gets rewarded, while open nonconformity gets ostracized. While there is some understanding among the students that individuals will deviate from heterosexual, traditionalist, rich kid norms, this deviation is generally only tolerated when students do it in secret. In this climate, Hillerska students do a lot of self-policing. Stella and Nils cover up their sexualities in ways that may not work for them long term. Felice frets about her physical appearance and how people will perceive her if she pursues boys a certain way. You get the picture.

Because of the pressure to maintain a pristine image of the school (gotta make those admissions brochures look sparkly clean!) the student body as a whole sweeps crime and “deviant” behavior under the rug by closing ranks and agreeing not to snitch on one another. The elite status of Hillerska students allows them to get away with a lot their public school peers would not. While gossip flourishes within Hillerska’s walls, woe betide anyone who lets it escape into the outer world.

On occasion, there are crimes that can’t be covered up, and it may be that more than one student is involved. We’ve seen what happens in this case. Hillerska students do not collectively assume responsibility, but instead agree upon a narrative about what happened and choose a scapegoat to pin the problem on. We see this most clearly in episode 1.5, when Alexander is found with the drugs that the Society used for their party. August suggests they pin the drugs on Simon, while Wilhelm breaks with tradition and says Alexander should take the fall, because Alexander can easily bounce back from an accusation like this. Sure enough, Alexander is back at Hillerska next season, far less innocent than before and far more likely to engage in political intrigue. Wilhelm’s considerations about how Alexander can more easily absorb the blame for the drugs are well thought out and in some ways compassionate—and we’re happy to cheer him on for defending Simon and to some extent we should. However, Wilhelm’s willingness to participate in the scapegoating system backfires on him nonetheless, and also entrenches him in one of the most toxic parts of Hillerska culture. He’s cut off one hydra head and two new ones have sprung up to take it’s place.

One obvious danger of scapegoating is that innocent people are often blamed for things they have nothing to do with. We’ve seen this negatively impact Simon on the rowing team and elsewhere. Vincent makes Simon the scapegoat for the rowing team’s loss in episode 2.3 and uses it as an excuse to bully him. Simon doesn’t get to sing his solo because people will recognize him from the video and that will affect the school’s image and the royal family’s image. Simon is innocent in these areas, but he’s being made to take on blame for situations that are a lot bigger than him. Of all the individual students at Hillerska, Simon’s probably getting the shortest end of the stick, and that’s directly related to the fact that he lacks privilege.

Feeding the Myths

There’s other ways to make people symbols of crime or deviance, however, that can damage the fabric of social groups in other ways. Since scapegoat isn’t quite the right term here, because it tends to presume innocence rather than superlative guilt, I’m going to borrow some season 2 language and refer to this as the Worst Person in the World Phenomenon. Now, this is where I’m going to go out on a limb a bit and ask a question the show might not engage with in season 3. They might do it. They might not. It may be beyond the scope of the story Lisa feels she is able to tell. I’m going to ask this question all the same:

If August faces public consequences and punishment for leaking the video, what impact will that actually have on the culture of Hillerska students? Will it prevent such a thing from ever happening again? Will it at least encourage self-reflection?

You could argue that a high profile case like August’s could deter his classmates from engaging in harmful behaviors. He may affect some students that way. I mean, what he did is Very Bad on the Bad scale. You might even call him… the Worst Person In The World. Who would want to be like the Worst Person In The World?

The flip side of the Worst Person In The World phenomenon is that can actually discourage people from taking responsibility and holding themselves accountable. Because gosh, what I did isn’t that bad. It’s not serial killer bad, or Vladimir Putin bad. Do we realistically believe that other students at Hillerska aren’t doing problematic things? That the rowing team has zero boys who will show a topless photo of their girlfriend (without her consent) to some of his bros while they chuckle over it? That some of the girl groups aren’t spreading wildly inappropriate and homophobic rumors about classmates that seriously damage reputations? That kids aren’t paying one another for test answers or putting pressure on one another to unsafely experiment with alcohol and drugs, even when students express boundaries and don’t want to? That kids don’t collectively work to bully teachers at times? And generally the kids aren’t getting in trouble because they’re the children of rich, elite parents, who will grow to be the rich people who run the systems and structures in society for the next generation.

Now, none of the Hillerska kids (that we know of) are doing bad things on the scale that August did when he leaked the video. This is important to stress. But it’s also important to stress that this “getting away with bad behavior” culture of Hillerska and rich people in general is part of what made August who he is. Are the other participants in that culture willing to reflect on that and actively work to change the culture in question?

Again, this does not mean that August shouldn’t face consequences or punishment, or that he shouldn’t go to prison and undergo some sort of rehabilitation. There are excellent reasons for him to face consequences. He did revenge porn FFS. But I think it’s worth acknowledging that the punishment of a very obvious, high profile offender can feed the myth that the legal system is finally working toward justice when in fact the system is continuing to perpetuate injustice. We can see how this works when only a few select predator men were convicted to placate the #MeToo movement, we can see how this works with corrupt cops when only a few who kill are ever convicted but most get away with it, and we can see how this works with political parties taking advantage of the fact that other political parties are, well, worse.

And yes, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good, no ethical consumption under capitalism, etc etc. I think we can keep that in mind while also keeping in mind that we still bear a responsibility to Do The Work in whatever way we are able. This is wandering off of Young Royals a bit. But I’ve given a lot of thought to the way we point at glaringly bad examples of human behavior and say “at least I’m not that guy” while not really doing the reflective work about what we can do to be better and how we can change our culture and systems. This kind of rhetoric is what allows people, especially people like the Hillerska kids who are at the top of society and the peak of privilege, to sleep at night. And maybe they shouldn’t be sleeping so well.

I think a lot about how the scene with Sara warning August that Simon is going to call the police (which is about Sara giving August one more chance to embrace accountability) is followed by a scene of Henry showing up to his group project meeting with no work done. Henry might not have done his work on a literal level, but as a symbol, he’s doing a lot of work. Not only is Henry foreshadowing that August isn’t going to do the right thing and turn himself in, he’s also lampshading the broader culture of Hillerska itself. For all the fancy plaques about responsibility, the students use their privilege and power to avoid doing what’s right and keep the status quo going. This is who they are. This is what they are going to have to overcome to be ethical humans who make their world better.

Working for Catharsis and Healing (A personal opinion section)

I don’t make predictions. The idea of making predictions for season 3 is in fact pretty stressful for me. But what this intellectual exercise has opened up for me is a question of where I would find catharsis and healing in the narrative. It’s not in the sound of police sirens. Maybe that’s different for you. That’s okay. I think we can learn a lot from the discussion in question.

Let’s start with the obvious jerkface himself and the question of him facing punishment. I think it’s worth separating August from other people for a time, to prevent him from doing additional harm to others. If we’re going to call that prison, then sure, let’s call it that. But let’s unpack what that separation looks like. In order for Wilhelm and Simon (and Sara and Felice for that matter) to heal, they’re going to need to be away from him. They should not be the ones responsible for his rehabilitation. As a restorative justice nerd deep down (at least, mostly, but fictional teenagers are well within the broad spectrum of people I’ll offer grace to) I still think he deserves a chance to heal from at least his drug addiction and his eating disorder and his trauma over his dad’s suicide. I also think he needs to understand accountability and the impact his actions have on others, and needs to learn to act in ways that repair the harm he’s done and prevent future harm. This is what he owes the world. There’s not time enough for us to see that whole journey, but I feel like the writers could show us the first few steps.

I’ve seen some people try to argue that August can’t change because he didn’t respond enough to Sara treating him like a person. I can see their point, and I can see the show using the Sara subplot as a shorthand for the idea that August can’t change. Writers often have to use that kind of shorthand to make a point about a character. (The relationship between redemption arcs and romantic love is one of my ongoing problems with redemption arcs in fiction, just for the record.) The way I see it, though, Sara is just one neurodivergent girl with a family history of abuse experiencing her first romantic love. She’s not a team of trained mental health professionals and social workers and other help-minded adults who’ve studied up on how to de-program systemic nonsense. After all, we can accept that although Simon loves Wilhelm very much, Simon’s efforts alone weren’t enough to fully dislodge Wilhelm from his place of privilege. Wilhelm needed Boris and therapy, and a mom who made him go to therapy (Kristina often does more harm than good, but her making Wilhelm go to therapy is the broken clock being right twice a day), and Felice as a friend and confidant, and Nils as a different sort of confidant, and a literature teacher like Fröken Ramirez who’s assigning him books with queer representation. Wilhelm’s journey is still ongoing. Romantic love may be transformative, but individuals in love don’t change people on their own. Communities change people. I am an aromantic relationship anarchist and I will die on this hill.

Speaking of the Eriksson siblings, I want Sara and Simon to have a chance to repair their relationship and build it anew. This would be another point of catharsis for me. I’ve seen a lot of people saying “Sara needs to do xyz tasks…” like we’re in a confession booth and a certain number of Hail Marys will save the day, but step one is that Sara and Simon just need to start communicating again, and communicating honestly. I think it’s easy to point to August as being the root of their relationship struggles, but there were a lot of unspoken tensions between the Eriksson siblings long before he entered the chat. They would have had some other falling out even without Hillerska. Simon’s been led to believe he should parent his sister, and Sara’s been convinced she’s a burden to her brother forever. They both are still reeling from trauma related to their dad, and it may need that they need different things to heal from that. Even without all that, they’re both maturing and defining their values and exploring romance for the first time, and Sara’s getting friendships of her own without always tagging along with Simon and Rosh and Ayub. Simon and Sara are getting to the age where they may not always be the most important people in each other’s lives, and they need to learn to grow up without growing apart. That doesn’t always happen automatically; it takes self-reflection and commitment and listening. I don’t think we’ll ever be back to the innocent days of Sara teasing Simon about his fairy tale prince. But I do think they can move their relationship forward in a new direction, and bounce back stronger.

I also think both Eriksson siblings need to come to terms with the fact that they violated their own values. Sara didn’t do anything illegal, but she did do something that violated her own morals, and you can tell that she feels pretty awful about that when she’s alone on the bus and driving away from school in 2.6. As for Simon, I don’t know if he’s fully gotten a chance to sit with the fact that he violated his own values when he brought his dad’s drugs to school. Again, I don’t want Simon to have to go through legal trouble, or deal with the prison system. The legal system is stacked against Simon in ways that are not fair. But Simon values accountability, and Wilhelm basically rescued him from being held accountable in season 1. I imagine that’s caused cognitive dissonance for Simon he’s still sorting through. I wonder what that’s going to be like for him.

On Wilhelm’s end, I’d like him to continue growing in the ways he’s grown in season 2. He’s learned not to be a symbol of extreme retributive justice. What would it look like for him to model restorative justice practices instead? (Note: this doesn’t mean that he personally has to forgive August. That’s entirely up to Wilhelm.) How can he encourage his community to act differently?

For Felice—well, one of my few issues with season 2 was how they handled Felice, and how they made her ancillary to others’ arcs instead of having her own, but that’s a post for another time. All the same, I think Felice is learning to trust her instincts, push past her biases, and take a unique point of view on things. She’s able to look at the video and see the broken pixels rather than the scandalous gossip scene everyone’s talking about. She can sense Sara’s hiding a secret from her and knows Sara needs to talk. Even if the conversation they end up having is deeply upsetting for her, it brings truths to light that need to be shared. Felice doesn’t have every tool in the toolbox yet, but what she observes and how she interacts with people can be helpful in delivering justice.

I don’t have meta space to consider every parent and adult on the show and things they can do differently. But I expect in season 3 we’ll start to see some adults (I don’t think it’s likely that we’ll see all of them) consider the roles they play in perpetuating systems and cycles. At least, I hope so. It shouldn’t be all on the young people to achieve change in society.

As for the Hillerska culture, it needs to change too. It’s worth asking if a place like Hillerska should even exist. Every secondary Hillerska student is going to act a little bit differently in response to the events of the plot, and I don’t know if I’d buy it if the show tried to tell us the Hillerska culture changed overnight in a magical ripple of self-consciousness. We might see individual students taking baby steps toward responsibility and liberation here or there. We might just see status quo as usual. I think of all the threads in this story, this is the one I would be okay with seeing Lisa Ambjörn leave things unresolved or in a place of tension, as long as that tension feels intentionally placed. Because changing the world is hard, and not everything changes all at once.

Young Royals doesn’t have to tie up every loose end by the last episode of season 3, but I do think it’s already raised a lot of questions about the relationship between justice and storytelling and where we find catharsis in fiction and our own lives. These questions are worth us considering, even if the answers point toward all the work that still needs to be done for the future.

#young royals #young royals meta #my meta #simon eriksson #wilhelm young royals #august young royals #sara eriksson #felice ehrencrona #long post #holy crap this is long thank you if you read it

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