#wow that ian guy is super cool

[roman-roy-apologist]

blow to brad’s ego? blow to brad’s ego!?! try, blow to the carefully crafted persona he’s build for himself to protect himself that was brutally ripped from him by his brother and is now falling apart as his mental health issues get worse, his eating disorder is starting to bleed into conversations and his work while he is powerless because he saved jo from GOING TO PRISON by putting the blame on himself and losing everything.

but yeah i guess you could say it was “a blow to brad’s ego”.

[rocksandrobots]

Phantoms of the Past Chapter 43: Mission Possible Part 2

"Greetings San Fransokyo!" A smarmy voice sang out as the green vines overran the convention center. "It is I, the renowned Dr. Drakken, come to grace your fair city."

A hovercraft flew through the entrance doors carrying a man with blue skin and wearing a lab coat. He stood there proudly, arms wide as if he expected praise. Beside him was a woman with long black hair and wearing a neon green jumpsuit. She looked anything but pleased. In fact, she looked rather annoyed.

"The renown 'who'?" Fred shouted.

The man on the hovercraft frowned.

"Dr. Drakken!"

"Yeah, sorry. Doesn't ring a bell, but cool vine powers anyways."

"Drakken! The Dr. Draken. Super Genius. Drak- You know. The guy who almost took over the world. Several times!"

Kim gave a loud fake yawn. "No cares, Drakken."

"Kim Possible!?" The man choked, as he leaned over the edge of the hovercraft. He looked like he would bust a vein in anger.

"Who else?" Ron exclaimed, taking a step next to his girlfriend's side.

As the supervillain fumed, the woman beside him cracked a wicked smile. "Hey, now, Maybe this trip won't be a complete drag after all."

Her hand lit up with green fire and she backflipped out of the hovercraft and landed on her feet as if it was nothing.

Kim and Ron both entered into a defensive stance.

The woman started to run toward them but before they could engage each other in combat, Gogo threw her other discus. It wrapped around the woman the same as it had Hardlight previously.

The supervillainess threw Gogo an annoyed look and then easily burned through the rope with her fiery hands.

Then she, Kim, and Ron got into a sparring match without so much as an introduction. 

Varian was going to join to help, though he didn't know what he could accomplish without his gear, but after taking one step forward a vine burst through the floor and wrapped around him.

"Not again." He groaned in frustration as the vines lifted him several feet off the ground. As he struggled against his new bonds, more vines wrapped around Gogo, Mole, Lima, and the man called the Fearless Ferret.

Captain Fancy managed to avoid the vines by flying upwards, while Fred bounced out of the way. He managed to free the superhero closest to him, using his fire breath, but as the Ferret fell free, Fred found himself dangling upside down as a vine wrapped around one of his feet.

Soon after, the fight between Kim, Ron, and the unnamed woman ended as vines entrapped them as well.

"Is anyone else getting a sense of dejavu?" Ron asked.

No one answered him, but the woman he had been fighting crossed her arms and gloated up at him.

Captain Fancy puffed out his chest and flew up to meet the devilish doctor. "I know not why you are here, foul villain, but I order you to decease and desist, and take your unpleasant associate with you." 

Draken rolled his eyes. "Wow, you really are the boy scout." There was a distinct snickering noise coming from The Fearless Ferrett's way. He coughed when Fancy gave him an annoyed glare. 

Just then Lima finished cutting through the vine holding her with her spear. She let out a battle cry and charged towards the woman in the green jumpsuit.

"Ah, Grandma is feisty." she commented with a wicked smile, before lighting her hands up with green fire once more.

--------------

Hardlight finished undoing his bonds and risked a glance around the pillar he was hiding behind.

None of the supers had noticed him sneaking away once the newcomers had arrived on the scene. Currently the woman in the jumpsuit was taking on the annoying grandma lady, and surprisingly enough, holding her own. 

Meanwhile, the 'renown' Dr. Drakken had most of the other superheroes tied up in green vines. 

Ian rolled his eyes. He had just tried that same trick, and was winning too, until those has-beens had gotten the drop on him.

It wasn't fair! 

He had challenged Varian, not them! His whole plan was to lure Big Hero Six into a trap with their little pet scientist as bait and those old timey wannabees had ruined everything! And now these lame D-lister hacks had interrupted to steal his thunder. 

True, their arrival had allowed him to escape a potentially embarrassing situation, b-but given enough time Ian was confident he could have rescued himself and turned things around, despite being outnumbered. 

Ian smirked under his mask as the poorly dressed flying dude managed to dodge Dr. Drakken's vines. Meanwhile, the sneaky, freaky Ferret was freeing the other heroes while the mad scientist was distracted. 

"See, it's not so easy is it?" Hardlight sneered. 

Then Dr. Drakken did something actually impressive! 

He created a giant man-eating Venus fly trap… with roots for legs! 

"Hee..hee.. eeh… that's a new one doc…" the pathetic blond Ninja nervously laughed, as the plant monster cornered them. 

"Ha! Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?" Drakken quipped. 

And that gave Hardlight a wonderfully, wicked idea. Perhaps these lameo losers could be of use to him. 

-------------------

And with a new plan already formulating in his brilliant brain, Ian removed his helmet and slunk back into the shadows to see how the battle would play out. 

Fred tried to breathe fire at the walking plant monster, only for vines to burst out of the ground and smother the flames with dirt. Lima threw her spear at the thing, but it plucked it out with one of its viney arms. Captain Fancy flew up to meet it only to get entangled by the other arm.

Varian and Gogo were out of ammo, Kim and Ron didn't have their normal gear on them, and the Fearless Ferret was too busy defending Mole from more vines to attack the monster head-on.

Everyone ducked as a giant root shot out from the monster's legs and swung over their heads.

"Hahahaha! Looks like I finally win, Kim Possible!" Dr. Drakken gloated. Another vine grabbed Lima and lifted her into the air. "Shego, would you be so kind as to collect the final fossil for me?"

"On it." The woman in the jumpsuit smiled and somersaulted to land in front of the Ferret. One low kick knocked his feet right from under him while he was distracted from fighting off the vines.

"Hey, you can't do that to a ledg- oh!"

Gogo quickly pulled Mole out of the way of the woman's glowing hand as she swiped at him while she held the captured super aloft in the other.

"Why don't you pick on someone your ow- hey!" Another vine shot out and grabbed Kim before she completed her speech.

"You know this is starting to get a little tedious," Fred complained as roots wrapped around him and the others.

Dr. Drakken smugly smiled as he adjusted his gloves. "I think that concludes our business here. Come along Shego."

"Not so fast." A voice called out behind him.

Dr. Drakken turned around to see yet another pair of superheroes flying behind him. One was quite bulky and wearing bright red armor and a jetpack. Another super rode on top of him. He was much smaller and wearing purple armor.  

"Baymax Rocket Fist." The purple one said and then the red super shot his arm at the good doctor as if it had been a rocket.

Only for the rocket to stop as vines reached up to grab it.

Dr. Drakken smirked as the rocket fist was held up in mid-air only a few feet away from his face.

"Is that all you got?" He scoffed.

"No, it isn't!" Another voice called out. This time a woman's voice.

Another superhero stepped through the door, dressed in pink armor and carrying what looked like a bunny-shaped bazooka. She shot a blue ball out of the bazooka and it hit Dr. Drakken's plant monster on the leg. From there ice spread all over the creature freezing it in place. Before Drakken could even protest a third superhero jumped out welding laser blades. This one was dressed in green armor and he sliced through the monster shattering it into fragments. Drakken stood there sputtering as the rest of the supers were freed once more, including his most hated rival. "Face it Drakken, you can't take on twelve of us at once." Kim gloated.

"Hey!" Mole protested.

"Uh.. thirteen then?" Kim conceded, still wondering who the small child was.

Rufus popped up and sat on Ron's shoulder to chittered indignantly at her.

"Alright, fourteen then." she sighed, and as if to prove this point, the Fearless Ferret did a backflip, wrenching himself free of Shego's grip, and kicked her away with a back kick while she was distracted by the rest of the supers.

"Why... yo-- ugh!" The rocket fist broke free and smacked Drakken on the back of the head mid-protest.

Shego backed away from the horde of superheroes that started to gang up on her. "Argh! You just had to come to superhero convention, didn't you!?" She yelled up at Drakken who rubbed the back of his sore head. Not waiting for a reply, Shego jumped and pulled herself up into the hovercraft. Then she took a hold of the controls, turned the craft around, and flew away at top speed.

"After them, Baymax!" Hiro ordered, but Shego pressed a button and the hovercraft disappeared from view as they flew after the villains.

"I do not detect any trace of the vehicle." Baymax informed me.

"Cloaking tech." Hiro sighed. "and they probably have bio dampeners. Come on, let's meet back up with the others."

--------------------

"They got away." Hiro announced as he and Baymax flew back into the convention building.

"I thought you were fighting Hardlight?" Honey Lemon asked.

"We were," Fred informed her, "but then that Drakken guy showed up and- hey where did Hardlight go?"

Gogo bent down and picked up her broken disc. "He got away."

"So we have three supervillains on the loose, great." Hiro sighed.

"So who is the blue guy?" Wasabi asked, "And who are all these new people?"

"Uh, hello! These are some of the greatest superheroes that has ever lived." Mole snapped in annoyance. "Miracle Maiden, Captain Fancy, and the Fearless Ferret! They're living legends. Show some respect."

"And why is he here?" Wasabi finished.

Gogo glared at Mole. "He's here because he doesn't know how to follow directions."

Mole shirked away from her gaze, and hid behind the closest hero, which happened to be a very confused Ron.

"As for the 'blue guy'" Kim explained, "That was Dr. Drakken and his cohort Shego. They're always causing trouble."

"Yeah, theft, robot armies, weather machines... you know the usual plotting to take over the world type stuff." Ron said.

"Annnd you are?" Hiro awkwardly asked.

"Hi, I'm Kim, and this is my boyfriend Ron."

"Hello!" Ron waved and Ruffus mimicked his owner's action.

"Oh, and Rufus." Kim added.

The rest of Big Hero Six exchanged confused looks and could only shrug.

The Fearless Ferret stepped forward. "I can vouch for these fine young kids. They've helped me out quite a bit over the years, along with a fair few other folk."

"They also helped me escape from Hardlight when he attacked me." Varian confirmed.

"Which reminds me..." Ron stepped in, "Since when are you a real superhero?" He asked the Ferret.

"Yeah, we thought you just played one on tv." Kim said.

The three elderly supers snorted with laughter.

"Oh that?" Lima chuckled. "That's just a cover story to hide our real identities."

"Yes, it's for if we're caught changing into a costume or attacked in public when in our civilian clothes; we can just brush it off as being all a part of the show, like a publicity stunt." Fancy explained.

"Besides, it helps to pay the bills." The Ferret chimed in. "We can't all be born rich like Boss Awesome."

"Oh hey, that's my dad!" Fred excitedly called out, flipping his helmet up. Everyone turned to look at him and he suddenly felt self conscious. He slammed the helmet back down and started to shuffle his feet.

"Oh yeah, I thought you looked familiar." Lima said. "You take after your mom."

Fred seemed to perk up at that.

"Didn't Awesome marry his arch nemesis?" Fancy whispered to Ferret. Lima overheard him and gave her comrade a smack on the back of the head.

Hiro rolled eyes. "Alright, now that introductions are out of the way, you say you've fought this Drakken before?"

Kim nodded.

"Do you know what he was after?"

"No idea, but I might know of a way to track him down, if you have a computer."

"We could probably arrange that."

Lima picked up her spear and started to march away. "Well you kids have fun with your new fangled toys. The boys and me will just be tracking down this doctor the old fashion way."

Fancy and the Ferret started to follow her out.

"Are you sure about that?" Hiro asked. "I mean, with all of us together we could outnumber him."

"Now don't you fret none, my boy. We're highly trained and experienced professionals." Captain Fancy said while hovering over Hiro's shoulder.

"We thank you for being good Samaritans." The Ferret added. "But best to leave this to the experts-ow!"

The ferret clutched his back and doubled over in pain.

"Ummm... maybe you should take it more easy Mr. Nor- I mean Mr. Ferret." Ron said, as he offered the super hero his cane. "I mean you've been out of the game for a awhile an-"

"Nonsense. I'm fit as a fiddle." The Ferret proclaimed as he snatched the cane out of Ron's hands and pounded his chest. "I'll personally see to it that this Doctor Drakken is behind bars before the days end."

"And I'm looking forward to fighting that Shego woman again." Lima called out. "I haven't had a good sparring match in years! Até a próxima!"

And with that the elderly supers left.

"Sooo... are we just ignoring that Hardlight is still free, then?" Wasabi asked.

-----------------------

"Arrrrgh! And we were so close!" Drakken yelled as he entered the warehouse and kicked over a stack of cardboard boxes.

"Gee... It's almost like taking on all of the superheroes at one time was a bad idea." Shego sarcastically quipped as she walked through the door, and leaned against its frame nonchalantly.

"Well how was I supposed to know there'd be so many of them?"

"Super-hero Con-ven-tion." Shego slowly said, emphasizing each syllable.

"Yes, exactly, but only the three we wanted were advertised to be there! By all accounts Kim Possible shouldn't even count as one. She doesn't have super powers." Drakken huffed like a child who just lost at a board game.

"Neither does that weasel guy you wanted."

"Ferret. Say it with me Shego, Feerreeet, and he has a super intelligent brain. Not to my level of genius, of course, but still one of the most valuable powers known to man."

Shego only rolled her eyes. "And why didn't we try to capture these guys one by one since we already knew their real identities?"

"Uh... we did?"

Shego marched over to the desk where Dr. Drakken held all his paperwork and notes for his grand scheme. She pulled out the flier advertisement for the convention. All three of the legendary superheroes were on the front.

"Come see the living legends, Lima Lopez, aka Miracle Maiden, The Fearless Ferret; Mr. Timothy North, and star of stage and screen, Captain Fancy himself, Hank Reeve. See, real names and everything."

"Umm... I knew that! That's why we attacked the convention center... it was just more convenient to nab them all at once." Drakken crossed his arms and snooted his nose in the air.

Shego facepalmed.

"A completely understandable oversight." A voice called out behind them.

Shego looked up and Drakken jumped as if spooked.

"Who goes there?" He yelled.

A man dressed from head to toe in black armor flew down from the rafters on his pink hover disk. "Merely a humble fan." He hopped off his disk and walked forward with an extended hand. "I mean, how were you to know that Big Hero Six would jump in? Hi, I'm Hardlight."

Neither villain took his offer of friendship.

"And how did you get in here?" Shego asked.

"Oh I disabled the security system with a simple hacking algorithm."

"Grrr.. cheap used security computers." Drakken grumbled. "Shego, take note, that's the last time we buy from BlackMarketsRUS."

Hardlight ignored the non-sequitur and continued on with his sales pitch. "I know how annoying Big Hero Six can be. I had just been defeated by the low level noobs only moments before you showed up on the scene. I must say it was an honor watching you work sir. The esteemed Dr. Drakken laying waste to a whole host of superheroes in one fell swoop... why.. it... it was breathtaking."

``An honor you say!" Dr. Drakken's face broke into a huge smile at the compliment, while Shego tried her best not to gag next to him. "Hear that Shego, we're obviously in the presence of someone with fine taste... for once."

"Oh.. oh yeah.. it was sooo magnificent the way you got your rear-end handed to you by a bunch of teenaged twerps and a couple of senior citizens." His henchwoman shot back.

"I'm warning you Shego..." Dr. Draken hissed. "Not in front of my fans, please."

Shego threw up her hands in defeat and flopped down in the desk chair. She pulled out a nail file as she watched her employer get suckered in with flattery.

"Dr. Drakken I'd like to present you with a proposal."

Shego snorted. Hardlight ignored her. "Now hear me out. Big Hero Six is a nuisance to your plans and a thorn in my side. What if we teamed up together to take them out."

"I don't know..." Dr. Drakken rubbed his chin in thought. "I've done the whole 'team up' thing before and it never really works out."

" Try, an 'unmitigated disaster' every time." Shego interrupted.

"No need to elaborate, Shego." Draken turned back to novice supervillain. "Besides, Big Hero Six is your nemesis. I'm actually after Kim Possible."

Hardlight faltered. "Kiimm....Pooss-"

"Kim Possible." Drakken reiterated. "you know, that annoying woman with auburn hair, who hangs around with her buffoonish boyfriend and the, ugh, naked mole rat."

The sneer on Drakken's face was palpable even in the poorly lit warehouse.

"Oh oh, Kim Possible." Hardlight proclaimed, as if only was just remembering. "Of course, your arch nemesis. Everyone one knows of your feud with... the... the uh..."

"Cheerleader." Draken darkly growled.

"I thought they were ninjas."

"Seriously, Dr. D." Shego sighed. "She hasn't been a cheerleader for eight years now. Let it go."

"Oh is that so. And what would you call her, miss smartypants?"

"A royal pain in the backside."

".... Okay that is a good one." Dr. Drakken snickered, before turning back to Hardlight. "But no, she's not the ninja, but her boyfriend, Stoppable, is. He's like some master at chimpanzee karate or something." 

"Monkey kung fu." Shego corrected, as she kicked her feet up onto the desk. 

Hardlight had no idea what either of them was talking about. 

Drakken didn't give time to respond, as he started to shoo him out. 

"Well thank you for the offer, but it's time to run along now. Just remember that if you work hard then someday you too can be as accomplished a supervillain as yours truly. Toodle-oo! Good luck with your hero infestation." 

Hardlight thought quickly as the man started to shove him out the door. He hopped into his hover disk once more and flew out of the mad scientist's reach. 

"Oh, but won't you at least tell me your brilliant plan?" He asked. "I might learn some new tips on being a supervillain from you." 

"Well no doubt you could." Drakken smiled, ",But what I am working on is top secret. A need to know only, basis. You understand, I'm sure." 

Hardlight gave a very loud and exaggerated sigh. "Oooh and here I was hoping you could be my mentor." 

"Mentor?" Drakken echoed. 

"Yes. I'm new at this, see. I haven't learned all the ropes. I'm still trying to make a name for myself in the supervillain world, and well I was just hoping… Ahh, who am I kidding? The world famous Dr. Drakken, teaching me how to follow in his footsteps. You're much too busy to take a level one player under his wing." 

He heaved another heavy sigh and Shego stuck a finger in her mouth to gesture a gagging motion. The guy was clearly laying it on too thick.

Well, too thick for anyone one with sense, but she knew Drakken was eating up the praise like a child being handed a plate of cookies for dinner. 

"Oh, well, truly, I'm flattered." Drakken blushed "I might, could… oh I don't know… maybe give you some correspondence lessons. Try out that new online teaching thing… Why, Shego here used to tutor young supervillains on the side. Didn't you dear? I'm sure she can help make a lesson plan for you." 

Drakken opened the backdoor to show Hardlight the way out. He didn't take it. 

"Gee, that would be great!" His fake enthusiasm never faltering. " But wouldn't it be better if I had some hands-on training?" 

Drakken awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Well… I don't know… it's just such bad timing right now and… I don't when I'll have another opening… an-" 

"And you don't want me underfoot." Hardlight finished. He hopped off the hover disk and made his way to the door, but paused before leaving. "I'd like to thank you anyways for taking the time to see me. It's not every day you get to meet your idol." 

"Idol?" Drakken whispered wistfully. 

Hardlight nodded. "I got into supervillainy all because of you. I'd see you on the news and think how cool you were, and how much I'd love becoming your sidekick." 

"He already has a sidekick!" Shego yelled. No one listened to her. 

"Really? You really thought… think I'm cool?" Drakken breathlessly asked. 

"Uh.. yeah! You're more than cool! You the Dr. Drakken. The renowned, world conquering supervillain!" Hardlight said, carefully echoing Drakken's words for earlier that day. 

Drakken of course did not notice this manipulation. He held a far away dreamy look upon his face. 

"World renowned." He softly echoed a dreamy smile forming on his lips. 

"It's a traaaap!" 

Shego's sing-song voice broke through his daydreams, shattering his ego once more. 

"Nonsense Shego!" Drakken snapped back, not willing to admit that he'd been taken in. "This fine young man only wishes to learn from the master, and who are we to ruin his dreams? After all, it's the responsibility of the more, um, experienced generation to pass on our knowledge." 

Shego was not impressed. She rarely was. 

"Fine, but don't come crawling to me when the inevitable happens. I'll just say I told you so." 

"'I'll say I told you so.'"Drakken mocked. "You always do this Shego. Everytime. I don't know why I put up with you." 

"Hmm… cause without me you'd be in prison?" 

"Well without me you'd … you'd… well you'd be… you'd be…" 

"Yeeesss….. I'm waiting." She folded her arms. 

"You wouldn't get a paycheck." He belatedly snapped. "You'd be working for someone low tier like… Von Steamer. He only pays in grease oil and English pounds, you know." 

"Didn't the UK switch to euros?" Headlight asked. 

"Exactly. That's why he can't keep any henchmen hired on." Drakken explained. "First lesson of being a super villain, make sure to pay your employees well, and give them good benefits packages. Otherwise they may stab you in the back." 

Shego shrugged. "He is right about that. I do get a lot of vacation time and a big bonus every year, and if I didn't I'd probably stab him in the back." 

"Where do you get the funds?" Hardlight asked. 

"Steal them, of course. " Drakken stated simply, as if it was obvious. 

"Of course." Hardlight echoed. "Any chance of teaching me that lesson first?" 

Drakken just laughed. "Oh no, embezzlement of bloated corporate funds is lesson three. For lesson one I believe we should work on the basics. Tell me, how are you at 'evil gloating'?" 

"Uhh… gloating, sir?" 

Shego snorted as she couldn't contain her own laughter. 

"No one asked you Shego." Drakken yelled back. 

"Oh come on, if we're going along with this farce, then at least pretend to teach the kid something useful." 

"For the last time, this isn't a trap!" 

"It's a trap. Trap. Trappity, trap, trap." Shego nagged. 

Drakken fumed and was going to continue the argument before Hardlight stopped him. 

"It's okay. She has every right to be suspicious of me. After all, I'm a newcomer. You don't know anything about me." Hardlight hopped into his hoverboard once more. "Let me prove my loyalty. Give me a task. Anything. I'll have it done in no time." 

Drakken tapped his lips in thought. "Hmmm… a test to prove your trustworthiness, you say… I have just the thing." 

He marched over to a series of computer banks by the desk. He flipped a switch and the lights on the other side of the warehouse lit up. 

Along the wall was a network of machinery, wires, and tubes. Hooked up to this was three glass cylinders, each large enough to hold a person, and a door to get in and out of. 

"Impressive." Hardlight nodded,"... What is it?" 

"That is what is going to help me conquer the world." Drakken proudly proclaimed. "I will reveal it's full workings all in due time, but for now, I need three of the world's most famous superheroes here in my presence." 

He held up the advertisement for Hardlight to see. 

"The old geezers from the conversation?" 

"Exactly. Lure them here to me, and I will show you not only how my latest creation works and what it does, but I will also provide you with the most valuable lesson of all." 

"What's that?" 

"How to finally crush your enemies into dust." Drakken growled as he crumpled up the poster in his hand.

"Kim Possible won't know what hit her." And he gave a wicked smile. 

[thebrightsessions]

Entertainment Spotlight: Ian McQuown

Ian is an LA based actor and producer known for the YouTube comedy group, Extremely Decent, as well as a voice actor in the popular audio dramas: The Bright Sessions, The AM Archives, StarTripper!! & Deck The Halls! His credits inclue American Housewife, Trial & Error, Better Things, and For All Mankind. Ian took the time to answer some questions for us. Check it out:

You’ve worked on multiple podcasts -- what drew you to the medium?

Well, to be honest, Lauren drew me to it because TBS was my first narrative podcast. We met at a Rocky Horror Picture Show show. Anna Lore is our mutual friend and I think Anna is just talented as all get out, so anything she’s involved I want to be in. And, I don’t know, it was just one of those lucky breaks you get where a door opens and takes you to all these cool places you never anticipated.

On podcasting though, I really appreciate how much more possible it is to tell engaging stories without the boundaries of having to afford a set and a camera and insurance and etc etc etc. Like, I grew up with Star Wars, The Matrix, Cowboy Bebop— so when I imagine the stories I like, I’m usually picturing other worlds, space ships, people with super powers and those types of stories used to have a lot higher barrier to entry to make than they do now, which is just awesome.

If you could give a character from The Bright Sessions a spinoff series, who would you choose and what would the series be called?

I mean, no surprises here, but I’d love to see Damien’s early years. And I’d be super clever and call it something like... Damien: The Early Years. I'm dying for that content a little bit actually: Damien, before he became such a bad guy. Maybe a love story that doesn’t work out and leaves him really scarred? Villains so bad they created a villain instead of a victim—  that moment where we see the two roads Damien has to choose between and it totally shreds us when he makes the choice we all know he’s going to make, I mean, come ON you can see that, right? It’d be like the Star Wars prequels but without all the youngling killing and “NOOOOOOOO”’s and I want it.

Can you share a fun story or anecdote from the making of The Bright Sessions?

Haha, ok well it’s not really anything of note BUT: I remember Lauren had this area rug in her room, which as you probably know is where we would record, and it was this really nice, I think, red sort of floral rug that took up pretty much all the floor space because it was covering up the older apartment rug-floor underneath it. And it was, as I said, really cool, except it wasn’t a rug on a wood floor, right? It was a rug on a rug so it was a bit taller than the people who designed the room had planned for— the result of which was that you’d walk in and the room had this really awesome little vibe with this cute rug, and it was all very cozy, unless you looked directly behind you at the corner where the door had just spent ages scraping the surface of it, catching the corner, tearing little pieces out. And I may be getting apocryphal at this point, but I feel like by the time I had started coming around Lauren had straight up duct taped it to the floor, which really didn’t help the problem. And, I don’t know—again it’s not really anything momentous—but I just remember giving Lauren a particular amount of shit about it one day and us all having a really good laugh. And I really love that— there are jobs where you show up, keep your head down, do your work and leave, but then there are jobs like The Bright Sessions where you all get to become friends, and even if you don’t see each other for a while you sort of just get to pick up where you left off. And then those jobs turn into other jobs and you get to keep hanging out with your friends and peers and just making stuff you like— I’m a big fan of that.

If your life was a choose your own adventure, what decisions would viewers have to make on an average day?

OKAY, you wake up...

Water your garden before it gets to be 110 today, you cannot skip this step. You may however:

A) Stay out in the garden for longer if you get inspired and check if the tomatoes and peppers are ripe for picking.

Great! Now let’s make breakfast:

A) Make eggs, toast, fried tomatoes, and hash browns? 

B) Make (A) But also with Bacon? 

C) Make a smoothie?

D) There’s no time today, run to Whole Foods and get their incredibly priced $6 Egg, Bacon Cheese Breakfast burrito.

Awesome! You’ve eaten and now you can think. What work do you have to do?

A) Prep your audition, dummy! It’s due this afternoon, go fix your hair. 

B) You have a zoom meeting with actor friends at 11 to play around with some new material, put on a hat.

C) There is nothing you have to work on so stare at your computer and wonder if there’s new project you could be working on. Try to find that project, leave your hair as it.

Wow! You really had a great (insert previous choice here), let’s get you a coffee and take a TV break. What should we watch?!

A) That new show you haven’t seen yet because you need to watch everything so you know how to work on it should you get an audition for it.

B) Harley Quinn (your favorite new cartoon).

C) Teenage Bounty Hunters.

D) Farscape.

E) Nope, you just got an audition for tomorrow, everything is off the table, start working on it (Level Complete).

Lunch Time!!!

A) Turkey sandwich with pickles from the garden?

B) Trader Joe’s Margherita Pizza with basil and peppers from the garden?

C) Are we going to start another loaf of sourdough you basic mf?

D) Yes we probably are, but also (A) and (B).

Cool! I’ve eaten lunch. Now what?

A) You haven’t finished that work from this morning. Riiiight.

B)…More Harley Quinn…?

C) Let’s make pasta from scratch!

D) Let’s make ribs! From…ribs!

F) You just got an audition for tomorrow, everything is off the table, start working on it. (Level Complete).

Bangarang! You probably chose to start cooking dinner immediately after eating lunch. You ate it (and it rocked), what now?

A) You just got an audition for tomorrow, everything is off the table, start working on it. (Level Complete)

B) DnD with squad.

C) Go on a run, dude— you’re getting a Jaba chin….

D) Bring on the chin! Let’s watch TV until 2am! Here are your options:

A) Harley Quinn (your new favorite cartoon)

B) Teenage Bounty Hunters

C) Farscape

D) Put The Office on in the background and clean your house.

Level Complete.

As you can see I’m a very food-focused person. Also, I’m going to be real, that is truly what most of my days look like and I’m low-key a little mortified that ’taking a shower’ wasn’t a game option... 

Can you share your favorite piece of Bright Sessions / AM Archives fan art?

I love all the fan art that people make for my characters but this one from Franartz has always been really special to me. It’s so GQ, I just love it — and some of my favorite early AG moments are with Damien, who looks a little like he stepped out of a Gorrilaz album here— big fan. I’m a little obsessed with fan art actually, I save everything I come across— there’s a freckled red-headed series of Owen by TheFigureInTheCorner that makes me really happy. Seeing that my work has inspired someone else to make something of their own is really what’s up, you know? It makes me think about all the art and entertainment that has touched me over the years and I get a lot of joy from being a part of that cycle.

Thanks for taking the time, Ian! Give I Can Die When I'm Done a relisten right here.

[st-louis]

a list of hockey podcasts

i spend... a lot of time reading about, listening to, and learning about hockey and i thought maybe you guys might be interested in the podcasts i follow. i don’t always listen to every episode of every show, but they’re things i have in my subscriptions and listen to frequently.

i’m going to end up having to put this under a cut because it’s getting really long.

general podcasts

the hockey pdocast - without a doubt my favorite general hockey podcast. dimitri filipovic is a stats guy who writes for eprinkside, and his analytic cast definitely shines through in the way he handles the topics. i like the variety of deep dives he does and i always feel like i come away from listening with better understanding of the topic because he doesn’t just talk stats, but gives you context for why those numbers might be the way they are, so if you’re trying to become more familiar with advanced stats this a great one to listen to. also his voice is just so soothing. absolutely my favorite car show.

the athletic hockey show - it’s frequent, long, and informative, but there are different hosts depending on the day and i definitely enjoy listening to some of them more than others (i like ian and hailey a lot, i enjoy the seans, craig and pierre know what they’re talking about but hoo boy i do not enjoy their episodes so much).

staff & graph - they are definitely leafs homers and some of their takes really annoy me especially because they purport to be analysis based and then like... will come out with something that’s not really an analysis so much as it’s, you’re a leafs fan and that’s your opinion, but for the most part i do enjoy it. doerrie is a former front office employee of the devils and she has a lot of very interesting inside knowledge and knowledge based on actually working closely with hockey teams. she still has connections so if you’re interested in ‘sources,’ she usually has good info and stories. again, usually come away feeling like i learned something.

soul on ice - kwame damon mason (film director and hockey fan), akil thomas (kings prospect), elijah roberts (formerly of the niagra ice dogs, currently playing college hockey) hang out and talk hockey and interview guests. they’re all really likeable dudes and have a lot of interviews with players of color and other interesting topics (taya currie!). a solid listen from both a fan and player perspective, for example it was cool to hear akil talking about his experiences during the covid season.

the cross-check nhl show - decent general hockey talk show. andrew berkshire is a habs writer and mary clarke is a general hockey writer but a flyers fan (a show made for me, haha). they’re likeable and have good opinions on social justice related issues within hockey. they cover major stories around the league, discuss their personal teams, and also do a little pop culture segment at the end that i usually skip.

hockey central - unfortunately this is like the epitome of a hockey man podcast (as in, it is literally all hockey men). they come from a variety of backgrounds, including players and coaches, and generally the actual hockey talk is good, even if they get on my nerves sometimes. if you want to know what the average player/former player is thinking this is a pretty good one. and they update a lot.

31 thoughts - jeff marek (also of the hockey central pod) and elliotte friedman talk hockey. if you’re looking for “insider” info this is one of those you’re gonna want to listen to. a bit wishy washy when it comes to stuff like the hawks scandals.

behind the gear - this is an interesting one, because they interview a lot of “lesser known” personalities but it’s always a pretty solid interview. again, i don’t listen to every interview but if there’s a guest that looks interesting, i’ll mark it for later. they have a bunch of interviews with nick and ryan suzuki so that was a personal interest of mine, haha.

puck soup - i almost never listen to this one because it’s too long (like episodes upwards of 100 minutes) and i really don’t like wyshynski as a person. but i do appreciate sean mcindoe. usually only tune in if there’s a topic i’m interested in.

6 degrees with mike mckenna - mike mckenna (former journeyman goalie and flyers goalie of the Eight Goalie Year and former vgk broadcast)’s interview / general hockey show. he’s very personable and a good interviewer.

the press zone - a show mostly focused on prospects, whether that’s in major juniors, the ahl, european leagues, etc. it’s a deeper dive into an area that a lot of the other shows don’t necessarily get to, so i appreciate it.

the hockey think tank - another ‘smaller’ podcast with some interesting and unexpected interviews. again, don’t listen to it all the time but it’s worth a shot if they have a topic you like.

the full 60 - craig custance’s solo show. another “insider.”

missin curfew - i usually only listen to this one if they have a guest i’m interested in because this is also a very bad example of hockey men hanging out and talking and you want to strangle them mostly. it’s two other dudes and kevin hayes��� older brother so you can pretty much expect exactly what you are getting from them.

the broadscast - wish there were more female hockey podcast hosts, but this one is a good one. i like the variety of guests that they have on. i don’t listen to it every episode but will tune in if there’s a topic i like.

flyers-related podcasts

broad street radio - i have such a hate/hate relationship with this one. it’s like the flyers podcast but i hate most of the hosts. i listen mostly for charlie o’connor, who is the only one who can reign in their terrible opinions.

flyers daily - daily news about the flyers, game recaps, and interviews with players. usually short and no-frills episodes, which i appreciate. myrtetus also plays goalie in beer league so he has a player’s perspective, at least, from that level.

flyers talk - nbc’s podcast with jordan hall, taryn hatcher, and joe fordyce. pretty basic talk show from a beat reporter, a former broadcast, and a guy named joe. again fairly no frills, do not always agree with them, but decent enough information.

everything but hockey - andrea helfrich, the most beautiful woman in the world’s, podcast. she does interviews with a lot of people who work with the team in some capacity (for example, nyree, the nutritionist) are associated with the team (she is great with interviewing wives and girlfriends), and the players themselves. she is super charming and good at talking to people so the episodes are usually fun to listen to.

snow the goalie - two flyers beat reporters i dislike but who nevertheless sometimes have The Info.

locked-on flyers - i haven’t actually listened to this much yet but i like locked-on habs a lot and i’m gonna have to give it a chance.

nasty knuckles - this is a podcast i absolutely suffer through. settlemyre is so fucking annoying and maybe the worst interviewer i’ve ever heard. however, if you are interested in the flyers, he has the goods. riley cote is also here. i have to get back to actually transcribing these again because really you don’t want to listen to them.

habs-related podcasts

le support athlétique - arpon and marc antoine from the athletic talk the habs. alternating episodes in french and english, which is frustrating when they are talking in french about something i want to listen to, but i think it’s cool that they provide for the entirety of the fanbase. they are fascinating to listen to, and obviously good friends. i enjoy their insights about the players and coaches.

eyes on the prize - one of my favorites. good hosts, great variety of topics, including interviews with european prospects that you don’t always hear from. it’s also an sbnation podcast but i like it so much better than i like bsh.

habs-statician - statistically-based habs analysis from a fan in toronto. dylan is a really thoughtful podcaster, and i appreciate listening to him very much. 

locked-on canadiens - another daily listen. laura and scott continue the theme of the habs podcasts i enjoy which is mostly that they are really reasonable about their view of the team. they criticize when players aren’t doing well, but not in a mean way, and they praise the players who are doing well. i like the daily analysis and breakdown of the news mixed in with sillier segments like who would play the habs in a movie.

habs tonight - former hab and flyer dale weise and a rotating cast of co-hosts discuss habs related topics. i was skeptical at first because i thought it might be gossipy, but it’s actually not that bad. the hockey talk from a former player is all like “wow, that makes so much sense” when you hear it (the episode where weise talks about joël bouchard, in the first negative thing i’d ever heard about him, is one that i am specifically thinking of here). he’s also good at interviewing his former teammates, you can tell they are at ease with him.

history in the making - national treasure marc dumont interviews habs prospects and other people associated with the team. he is so funny and charming and knowledgeable about hockey, it is always worth a listen.

habby hour - i don’t really enjoy these hosts but i will listen if they’re interviewing someone i’m interested in.

other teams-related podcasts that i listen to

steve dangle - i will admit i mostly started listening to this one as schadenfreude, but for the most part i enjoy it. i don’t really like the co-hosts but i do enjoy how absolutely fed up he is with the leafs. :) but on a more serious note, they do some good work, i was very impressed with their recent episode interviewing rick westhead about his work on the chicago coverups.

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: I really enjoy your erudite and literary posts about James Bond in your blog very much. Your most recent post about Connery as best cinematic Bond and Dalton as the best literary Bond was brilliant. Although the PC brigade have been inching towards making Bond a woman or even non-white, Ian Fleming’s legacy of a suave but cold hearted English gentleman spy hasn’t been completely trashed. As someone familiar with Fleming literary lore can you also tell me where was James Bond educated? Was it Oxford or Cambridge? I was having a discussion over Zoom with friends and the Oxonians like myself thought it was Oxford because in Casino Royale with Daniel Craig it’s made very plain it was Oxford. Your thoughts?

I appreciate your kind words about my posts on James Bond and his creator Ian Fleming. It’s very hard to ignore the cinematic James Bond because he is very much an icon of our modern culture that needs no translation to transcend across cultures. Alongside Sherlock Holmes, another British literary and cinematic export, the name alone speak for itself.

James Bond appeals to both genders very well.

For the men, Bond dresses well and lives in a care free way. He is both ferociously intelligent and resourceful to get out of any tight corner. He drives incredible cars (from the incredibly stylish Aston Martin DB5 to the incredibly awful AMC Hornet) and uses awesome technology (he is the archetypal boy with toys). He's not afraid to get down in the dirt to fight or engage in lethal gun-play and spectacular car chases. He sleeps with beautiful women, regardless how strong and independent they are (or even lesbian if we’re being honest about Pussy Galore).

For us ladies, while he's not averse to action, he's also a cultured gentleman with suave and sophisticated manners. He's also a generally pretty good looking guy. In many ways, he's a conventional male ideal. So while his conventional good looks and manners aren't for everyone, they hit right the sweet spot of what women like. For everyone, he's a spy! Not at a grey real world nondescript spy, but a cool spy fighting larger than life bad guys whose bland sartorial choices scream mad super villain. It's a very black and white world that James Bond lives in. These bad guys truly are villainous in the desire to re-order humanity, and we need a debonair British MI6 agent to save us from these mad men who want to harm us by laying waste to a bonkers Armageddon.

When all is said and done I think that what makes James Bond so iconic across gender and generations is what Raymond Chandler wrote back in 1959, “every man wants to be James Bond and every woman wants to be with him”.

That sounds about right. Men want to be him, women want to be with him.

I know my first introduction to James Bond was through my grandfather on my  Anglo-Scots father’s side who was a dashing gentleman in his day with a long rumoured hush hush work for Her Majesty’s government firmly shoved under the carpet to avoid further discussion that he - being self-effacing and humble - would find embarrassing that would paint him in any heroic light. Years later he had bought his Bahamas beach pile in Harbour Island out in the Caribbean for the family to rest up from cold winters in Britain. Amongst his immense stack of books dotted around the place were (and still are) first editions of Flemings novels which a few were signed by the author as he on occasion met Ian Fleming when he would sail over to Jamaica (they were also OEs which helped). We were not allowed to touch these but instead picked up the dog earred paperbacks that still retained their 60s musty smell.

On my teen sojourns there I would spend time along with my siblings just reading anything we could find to take to the beach or lounge around in a hammock or a chaise longue. That’s how I came to read the Fleming books - really out of necessity to avoid boredom on a beach (which isn’t really my thing as I prefer the rugged outdoors). But I was pleasantly surprised how well written the books were and I actually enjoyed the stories; it was a refreshing change from the more heavy literary tomes I was trying hard to wade through. As for the Bond films, I watched them on film nights at boarding school; I remember having a school girl crush on Connery, Dalton, and Brosnan.

There are many reasons for the successful longevity of James Bond in popular culture and literature but perhaps one of the most pertinent to our discussion is that James Bond is actually a blank slate and therefore malleable as a character and so he can capture the current zeitgeist in time.

This ability of the film to adapt to different generations while remaining relevant is an important factor for its longevity. For example, the early James Bond films were unashamedly sexist with characters using women as objects and discarding them. In the most recent James Bond films, certainly starting with Timothy Dalton, there is a subtle change in attitude with a few chauvinist attitudes.

James Bond today is more serious, seduces fewer women, and is more respectful towards women in his life, including his boss. This shows how the film changes concerning the rise of feminism in the West. For example, Miss Moneypenny used to be a minor character in the very first James Bond films. Today, she is more formidable and doesn’t tolerate sexist remarks.

Perhaps it is precisely because of this blank slate malleability that has allowed different actors that have been cast to play James Bond their own way - rather than get a straight like for like Scottish sounding actor to replacing Connery for example the film producers went across to Moore via Lazenby for example  - and letting each actor imbue the super spy with different moods. They each added their own colour from the same broad palate to create different tones. However, each of these characters maintained the essential character that defines James Bond. The actors have broadly stayed true to the inherent mix of character and class associated with James Bond.

For this reason I have some empathy towards your concern that Bond would be held hostage to the current zeitgeist of white washing or genderising everything so as to avoid being a victim of cancel culture. But it’s only empathy because I feel there is a danger of misunderstanding just who James Bond is and what he represents.

What do I mean by this?

I mentioned James Bond is a malleable character to the point he’s presented as a blank slate. This is ‘literally’ true - certainly as far as the books go. Ian Fleming doesn’t tell us much about Bond other than his appearance in his books. Indeed - as I mentioned in my past blog post on Connery as the best Bond - Fleming wasn’t convinced by Connery as Bond. He was reported to have said, ‘I’m looking for Commander Bond and not an overgrown stuntman’ and even dismissed Connery as “that fucking truck driver”. Fleming has good reason to rage. His Bond as written in the books was someone like him.

Like Fleming, Bond was an Eton educated Englishman; an officer and a (rogue) gentleman who was a lieutenant-commander in Naval Intelligence. As Connery began to wow and win over Fleming as Bond, Fleming had a change of heart. Fleming in his later Bond books re-wrote a half-Scottish ancestry for Bond as a tribute to Connery’s portrayal. Bond’s Scottish father was a Royal Navy captain and later an arms dealer, Andrew Bond from Glencoe; and his mother, Monique Delacroix, was Swiss from an industrial family. Bond himself was born in Zurich. Bond isn’t English at all but half-Scots and half-Swiss according to literary canon.

So I mention this because the question who can play James Bond is not as straight forward as it might seem.

But clearly we now have a canon of work, both cinematically and in the literature, where we have base line of who Bond is - or what audiences could possibly suspend their disbelief and go with what is presented to them as James Bond.

I do vaguely remember the hullabaloo and hand wringing around Daniel Craig playing Bond because he didn’t conform to the traditional tall, dark, and handsome trope of James Bond super suave spy. People couldn’t get past his blond hair. Some still can’t. But in my humble opinion he has been an outstanding James Bond and has reimagined Bond in a fresh and exciting way. Craig is in fact mining the Fleming books for his characterisation of Bond as a suave, gritty, humourless killer of the books. Dalton got there before him but that’s a moot point. To our current generation Craig has modernised Bond and dusted 007 down from being a relic of the Cold War to being a relevant 21st Century super spy.

Can anyone play James Bond OO7? Yes and no. It’s arguing that two different things are one and the same. They are not. James Bond is separate from OO7.  

Can a woman play Jane Bond or a black woman or non-white man play Black Bond? Respectfully, no. That’s not who James Bond is.

James Bond is a flesh and blood character with a specific genealogical history - whether in the books or on the screen. This Bond has literary back story that is canon and makes him who he is. Bond does transcend time - he can’t be 38 years old for over 75 years in the real world - but at the same time his character only makes sense when rooted in a specific historic context we know existed (and still exists) and not some wishy washy make believe fantasy of British society. He’s an Old Etonian and therefore an upper middle class male product of the British establishment that is identifiable in a very British cultural context.

Jane Bond would have to have gone to Cheltenham Ladies College, Benneden, or Roedean I suppose if we are talking about equivalence - but such girls’ boarding schools were not the breeding ground for future spies (more likely they married them or became trusted secretaries in the intelligence services as well as flower arranging in their Anglican parish church).

I believe they are letting in black pupils on bursaries at Eton these days to be more inclusive but again it’s an an exception not the rule and Eton doesn’t even get public credit for the inclusive work they try to do because it’s not well known.

Moreover we know Bond loses his Scottish-Swiss parents in a skiing accident. I don’t mean to sound racist but I ski a lot in Switzerland and I can say you don’t really find droves of non-white skiers on the slopes of Verbier or Zermatt. Of course there are a few but it’s the exception and not the norm. Again, I’m not trying to be racist but just point out some obvious things when it pertains to the credibility of character that underlines who Bond is. You pull one thread out of the literary biography and the danger is the rest of the tapestry will unravel.

Of course one could try and go for a Black Bond on screen and then hope there is a huge suspension of belief on the part of the audience. But I suspect it’s a bridge too far. It just doesn’t fit. Audiences around the world have an image of who Bond is - British at the very least but also male (damaged and flawed in many ways) and coming from a specific British social class background that serves as an entree to a closed world of English gentleman clubs, Savile Row, English sports cars, and the hushed corridors of Whitehall.

Any woke film maker with an ounce of creative vision and talent and one who is invested in this would be better off creating a new character entirely - with their own specific biography that is both believable and relatable. Can you imagine an American James Bond? What a ghastly thought. Or worse a Canadian one? Canadians are far too nice and far too apologetic to produce a cruel cold eyed killer. But look what clever film makers like Spielberg and Lucas did with Indiana Jones and even later Doug Liman did with Jason Bourne - both fantastic creations that are part of the cultural zeitgeist now.

Or look at Charlize Theron who plays a MI6/CIA/KGB triple agent in Atomic Blonde or Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa Faust in any of the Mission Impossible movies. I would eagerly watch any movies with these two badass women on the screen. All this talk about making Bond a woman or even coloured is just lazy thinking at best and at worst kow towing to the populist tides of PC brigade.

But I firmly believe one can have a female and a person of colour portraying 007. This is because James Bond and OO7 are two different things entirely. Many mistakenly believe 007 is Bond’s own code name and specific alias to him alone.  

007 is a license to kill for a very specialised kind of intelligence officer. Bond has that privilege for as long as he serves at the service of Her Majesty’s pleasure. His 007 license can be revoked - and it has been in the past Bond films - and he’s back to being a just another desk jockey civil servant in Whitehall. So my point is OO7 is not sacred to Bond’s identity. Bond could continue to be Bond even if M took away his 007 license to kill.

The origins of the Double O title may date to Fleming's wartime service in Naval Intelligence. According to World War Two historian Damien Lewis in his book Churchill's Secret Warriors, agents of the Special Operations Executive (SOE) were given a “0” prefix when they became "zero-rated" upon completion of training in how to kill. As part of his role as assistant to the head of naval intelligence, Rear Admiral John Godfrey (himself the inspiration for M), Fleming acted as liaison to the SOE.

In the novel Moonraker it’s established that the section routinely has three agents concurrently; the film series, beginning with Thunderball, establishes the number of OO agents at a minimum of 9. Fleming himself only mentions five OO agents in all. According to Moonraker, James Bond is the most senior of three OO agents; the two others were OO8 and OO11. The three men share an office and a secretary named Loelia Ponsonby. Later novels feature two more OO agents; OO9 is mentioned in Thunderball and OO6 is mentioned in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Other authors have elaborated and expanded upon the OO agents. While they presumably have been sent on dangerous missions as Bond has, little has been revealed about most of them. Several have been named, both by Fleming and other authors, along with passing references to their service records, which suggest that agents are largely recruited (as Bond was) from the British military's special forces.

Interestingly, In the novel You Only Live Twice, Bond was transferred into another branch and given the number 7777, suggesting there was no active agent 007 in that time; he is later reinstated as 007 in the novel The Man with the Golden Gun. As an aside, in Fleming's Moonraker, OO agents face mandatory retirement at 45 years old. However Sebastian Faulks's Devil May Care (an authorised Bond adventure from the Fleming estate and therefore arguably could be considered canon) features M giving Bond a choice of when to retire - which explains why Roger Moore (God bless) went past his sell by date.

In the films the OO section is a discrete area of MI6, whose agents report directly to M, and tend to be sent on special assignments and troubleshooting missions, often involving rogue agents (from Britain or other countries) or situations where an "ordinary" intelligence operation uncovers or reveals terrorist or criminal activity too sensitive to be dealt with using ordinary procedural or legal measures, and where the aforementioned discretionary "licence to kill" is deemed necessary or useful in rectifying the situation.

The World is Not Enough introduces a special insignia for the 00 Section. Bond's fellow OO agents appear receiving briefings in Thunderball and The World Is Not Enough. The latter film shows a woman in one of the 00 chairs. In Thunderball, there are nine chairs for the OO agents; Moneypenny says every 00 agent in Europe has been recalled, not every OO agent in the world. Behind the scenes photos of the film reveal that one of the agents in the chairs is female as well. As with the books, other writers have elaborated and expanded upon the OO agents in the films and in other media.

In GoldenEye, 006 is an alias for Alec Trevelyan; as of 2019, Trevelyan is the only OO agent other than Bond to play a major role in an EON Productions film, with all other appearances either being brief or dialogue references only.

In Casino Royale with Daniel Craig’s first outing as Bond, we see in the introduction the tense exchange between Bond and Dryden, a section chief whom Bond has been sent to kill for selling secrets.  

James Bond: M really doesn't mind you earning a little money on the side, Dryden. She'd just prefer it if it wasn't selling secrets. Dryden: If the theatrics are supposed to scare me, you have the wrong man Bond. If M was so sure I was bent...she'd have sent a Double-O. Benefits of being Section Chief...I would know of anyone being promoted to Double-O status, wouldn't I? Your file shows no kills...and it takes - James Bond: - two. (flashback of Bond fighting Dryden's contact in a bathroom.)

The OO is just a coveted position and nothing to do with who occupies it. Ito use a topical comparative example it’s like a football team in which a new star player would be given an ex-player’s shirt number e.g. Messi wears Number 10 for Argentina which is heavily identified with the late great Maradona. So conceivably there would be no problem having a woman or anyone else play 007. I think it would be an interesting creative choice to have a woman or someone else play OO7 and Bond is out of the service and yet he has to work together with this new OO7 - the creative tension would be a refreshing twist on the canon. 

Your question about James Bond’s Oxford or Cambridge education is more easier to answer.

It really depends again which Bond one is talking about. The literary James Bond or the cinematic Bond.

In the Fleming books, James Bond’s didn’t go to Oxford or Cambridge or any of the other great universities of Britain. In the books Bond’s education is not gone into much detail. We know he was raised overseas until he was orphaned at the age of 11 when his parents died in a mountaineering accident near Chamonix in the Alps. He is home schooled for a time by an aunt, Charmain Bond, in the English village of Pett Bottom before being packed off to boarding school at Eton around 12 years old. Bond doesn’t stay long as he gets expelled for playing around with a maid. He is then sent to his father’s boarding school in Scotland, Fettes College.

Bond is then briefly attends the University of Geneva - as Ian Fleming did - before being taught to ski in Kitzbühel. In 1941 Bond joins a branch of what was to become the Ministry of Defence and becomes a lieutenant in the Royal Naval Volunteer Reserve, ending the war as a commander. Bond applies to M for a position within the "Secret Service", part of the HM Civil Service, and rises to the rank of principal officer. And that’s it.

In the cinematic Bond universe things get more complicated and even contentious as you alluded to in your question. It’s never made quite clear which of the two - Oxford or Cambridge - Bond attended because it depends on how much weight you attach to the lines being spoken in each of the films where it is raised.

In Tomorrow Never Dies, Bond is up at Oxford (New College to be exact since his Aston Martin DB5 was parked in the courtyard at the entrance). He is seen bedding a sexy Danish professor, Inga Bergstrom, to brush up on his Danish (to which Moneypenny on the phone retorts ‘You always were a cunning linguist’). But it’s definitely doesn’t mean Bond studied there as an undergraduate. 

Casino Royale is the film many think yes, James Bond went to Oxford because it is mentioned by Vesper Lynd (Eva Green) as she sizes up Daniel Craig’s Bond on the train. Here is the full quote as said by Vesper Lynd, “All right... by the cut of your suit, you went to Oxford or wherever. Naturally you think human beings dress like that. But you wear it with such disdain, my guess is you didn't come from money, and your school friends never let you forget it. Which means you were at that school by the grace of someone else's charity - hence that chip on your shoulder. And since your first thought about me ran to "orphan," that's what I'd say you are.”

The thing to note is that it’s Vesper Lynd taunting Bond and even then she takes a wide stab by saying ‘Oxford or wherever’ because she doesn’t really know and Bond doesn’t oblige her with an answer.

That whole scene struck me as strange because she’s guessing by the cut of the suit it must be Oxford (or Cambridge). Bond is wearing an Italian suit (Brioni to be specific) and not and English Savile Row one that presumably someone of Bond’s taste and background would be sporting.

A more plausible answer if we are going by the cinematic Bond universe is Cambridge. Indeed it is stated explicitly by Bond himself. Can you guess?

You Only Live Twice which is has the distinction of being the only Bond film (as far as I can tell) from being set in just one country - Japan.

You remember the scene. Lieutenant commander James Bond has just had a briefing with M on board a submarine and is naturally flirting with Moneypenny on his way out. Moneypenny playfully tosses him a Japanese phrase book, saying he might need it.

“You forget,” Bond responds with an expression just short of a smirk as he tosses it back to her, “I took a first in oriental languages at Cambridge.”

So it seems James Bond is a Cambridge man.

A first means - as any British university student would know - first class honours. It’s the highest classification grade one can get in their undergraduate degree ie a ‘first’. Although at Cambridge, like Oxford, you can also get a double first in the part I and part II of the Tripos. Both universities also award first-class honours with distinction, informally known as a ‘Starred First’ (Cambridge) or a ‘Congratulatory First’ (Oxford).

Another oddity is he says ‘oriental languages’ when one got a degree in ‘oriental studies’ at the Oriental Faculty at Cambridge. That is until 2007 when Cambridge bowed to public and student pressure and chose to drop its Oriental Faculty label and instead adopted the name the Faculty of Asian and Middle Eastern Studies. Oxford still hangs on to its name the Faculty of Oriental Studies.

My only reservation about crowing over an Oxonian is how truthful was Bond being with Moneypenny in this scene?

Is this line meant to be taken seriously or ironically? Most people seem to take it seriously, despite much of Connery's dialogue being obviously ironic and playful. Certainly, Bond is shown to have never been to Japan before and is incapable of saying anything in Japanese other than the odd "sayonara" and "arigato." But then again Bond does know the correct temperature sake is meant to be served at. So there’s that.

Or it could be Bond was speaking a half-truth. I know speaking from experience as someone who very nearly read asian languages instead of my eventual choice of Classics that ‘Oriental languages’ at the ex-Oriental faculty in Cambridge can mean many other languages e.g. Sanskrit, Hindi, Farsi, Hebrew, Arabic as well as Korean, Japanese and Chinese. It opens up so many other delicious possibilities for Bond. If he read Arabic then perhaps he’s being deeply ironic with Moneypenny (after all she would have drooled over read his MI6 personnel file).

If you think I’m losing my mind then ponder on the fact it was Roald Dahl who penned the screenplay of You Only Live Twice. Dahl was not above snark. Indeed pretty sure he would have got a starred first in snark at any university.

Of course the most obvious explanation is that it’s plot armour as a way for Bond to just get on with the story by suspending the audience belief. Why wouldn’t Bond know Japanese? He seems to know everything else imaginable.

However if it ever was it’s now become canon as EON - the production company behind the Bond films - have stated officially for the fandom that Bond’s official bio has it that he went to Eton and Cambridge, where he got a first in oriental languages. So that seems settled then.

In hindsight it makes perfect sense that Bond went to Cambridge since historically Cambridge has provided the bulk of the spies not just for Her Majesty’s service but also for the other side, the Russians - the so-called Cambridge Spies of Philby, Maclean, Burgess, Blunt, and Cairncross, and a host of other traitors. We seem to be an equal opportunities employment service.

I’m sorry to disappoint you and other Oxonians that despite what you might think James Bond didn’t attend Oxford. Believe me as a Cantabrigian it gives me no pleasure to say this…..too much.

Thanks for your question.

[faelapis]

so. while this was confirmed a year ago, new tweets by ian jq have reawakened the discourse about humans being the first intelligent life gems encountered. note intelligent life, not organic life. alien animals still died from previous invasions, but humans are the first intelligent creatures gems encountered. 

apparently, the party line on twitter (where nuance goes to die) is that it’s too “convenient” that humans are the first other intelligent species gems met.

i take a few issues with that assessment: 

a) “it was pink’s first colony, isn’t it convenient the diamond concerned with organic life owns the first planet populated by intelligent organics? wouldn’t they have died if any other diamond got them? isn’t that super lucky?”

no. we know rose/pink was very interested in organic life from before earth. she always thought aliens were cool, interesting, fun, and liked learning about them and keeping some as pets - such as the rainbow worms. we know she visited the others’ colonies, even if she doesn’t own them. she’s the only diamond who is simultaneously “selfish” enough to visit colonies up-close on a whim because it’s fun AND doesn’t see herself as too good to play with local organics.

so, then, why on earth (hah) wouldn’t she care if there had been intelligent life on any of the other planets? she didn’t fight for earth just because she “owned” it. she cared because she was able to form connections to humans... which she would have done regardless of which diamond’s colony it was. if anything, ownership is a hindrance to her usual romps, because blue & yellow expected her to stay put in her moon base. smile and wave. be a “leader”. 

b) “how is it realistic that humans are the first intelligent life gems have met?”

the SU universe as a whole is not a universe filled with life. it has been framed as cold, animalistic, overall lifeless, purposeless, and one in which you gaze at an empty sky and beg for an authority figure to give your life meaning. this works much, much better if life, especially intelligent life, is incredibly sparse. they are small flickers in a cold void. it adds to the feeling that both humans and gems feel of loneliness and pointlessness, where you create these intricate structures of organized almost-religion to feel devoted to a purpose. this existentialism, which we will explore further below, is a huge part of SU’s themes.

c) another theme - and this one is important - is that gems and humans have been treated as this mirror parallel of life, people, and society (tm) for the entire runtime of the show. hence, steven as the bridge. a bridge, usually, connects two sides, not five. they are more similar than they are different - to the point where you can use gemkind to comment on how humans are like, and see some of the horrors and tragedy of what humanity looks like “from the outside”. not once has there ever been implied to be any other intelligent species to disrupt this elegant, thematic dichotomy. ever. 

d) unlike fanon speculation, the show has always been very careful about never implying there were any previous rebellions. SU is not a star wars-esque universe populated with a million different intelligent species and cyclical rebellions + alliances between them. it is a big, cold, empty void, with tiny pockets of fragile life. which is part of why the connection between two alien species is so remarkable. it is the exception, not the rule.

e) many of us who looked at homeworld in a not-badfaith light already came to the conclusion that humans are probably the only intelligent life they’ve met. (based on what we know about the universe, its logic, the themes, the implications of other colonies, pink diamond’s personality, no other species ever bonded with enough to fight for, etc etc,)... and those of us who did, including myself, have (lovingly!!) compared the crystal gems to hippies or eco-terrorists. this 100% holds up to how homeworld gems generally, and the diamonds specifically, see them. 

this is why blue thinks a “solution” to pink being sad about the invasion is to create the zoo. it’s a petty conflict, from her perspective, of environmentalism vs conservationism. like how, if a capitalist is kinda sad about a rainforest being bulldozed, you might as well just take some pretty toucans and panthers and stick them in a zoo. they’re preserved for humans to enjoy. problem “solved”. it worked with the kyanite colony & rainbow worms, why not here?

this is part of why lapis accuses the CGs of not caring about gemkind. they put this silly little dirtball above gemkind, starting a war that hurt (”real”) people? 

this is also why pink, mocking the other diamonds, says “you wish to save these life-forms at the expense of our own? ha! don't be absurd!”. gemkind needs resources to create more gems. so, to the diamonds, of course that’s more important than Making The Bees and Monkeys Sad. they’re not even directly killing them, they’re just taking resources. it’s not “””their fault””” they need ‘em too, gems are more important. the same way, to us, humans are always the most important. many of us don’t give a damn about how we hurt animals.

f) it galls me that anything but the darkest possible interpretation, even when it makes perfect sense with what we know, is always seen as “convenient” by people who watched nostalgia critic once and think they’re now great media critics. i saw similar comments to jasper being brought back to life, even though it made perfect sense with what’s implied about the powers of the diamonds. most of that, too, was woven together by paying close attention to implication, not outright stated in a lore dump - but that doesn’t make it “convenient” in the bad way. it makes it the logical outcome of this world, if you paid attention.

like jasper coming back to life, it also told us something thematic about the diamonds’ absolute power over life & death. steven is kinda horrified, even if it’s a good thing, that things can ever be fixed. he still feels like he needs to be “punished”. he holds this toxic mindset that punishment is more important than healing, because of the pit of self-harm he’s fallen into... which is kind of how some people see the diamonds, and the world as a whole. 

even if things can get better, it doesn’t matter. at least not as much as punishing and distancing ourselves from the “bad people”. even though, actually, things CAN get better, and that’s more dependent on systemic change than it is on punishing “bad” individuals... that doesn’t fascinate them. it’s a fucked-up idea of “consequences” that is sadly prevalent in fandoms: they’d rather the world be doomed if they get to kill the bad people for it, than the world being slowly healed in this bittersweet way that includes everyone.

and i’m tired of that. on the whole, fiction is a reflection of this very dour, justice-oriented view of the world where we can only gain satisfaction from punishing the bad guys responsible. SU’s response to that is, that actually, just this once... no! the world gets better, and the “how” doesn’t revolve around individual punishment. it’s trying to heal everyone. 

g) it seems to me that for a substantial amount of people, “convenience” has less to do with the themes and logic of the world than it does with wanting canon to live up to their fanon image of homeworld and the diamonds. even if that means a ton of offscreen intelligent life dying Just for the sake of a 1-v-1 earth-vs-gems conflict, with no agency in the story. i don’t understand how that would make it better. all other life we’ve seen have been animals. pink was around for other colonies - even if she didn’t personally “own” them - yet didn’t care deeply enough to fight for them. because she couldn’t bond with worms the same way as humans. (yknow, unfortunately, for the worms :’<)

also, you don’t NEED other species of intelligent life to have been made extinct to still have a somewhat cynical interpretation of the diamonds’ intentions here. even if it makes the world less grimdark in praxis. it’s not enough to be aware of humans in the abstract, blue and yellow still won’t listen. you need to actually interact with humans in order to learn about / care for organics that don’t serve a purpose in your system. this was just the first chance gemkind had to do so. it makes sense that some would be curious, while others more jaded and dismissive, after encountering a universe mostly made of the lifeless & animals.

to give the other diamonds some credit, they’ve probably encountered plenty organic life, and thus have built up a bias that everyone but gemkind are aimless, animalistic life forms, and its up to them to give themselves purpose. why should humans be any different? oh wow, they live in groups? big whoop. so do ants. they build nests? so do birds. they babble? so do parrots and rainbow worms. they still serve no purpose. they still die if you breathe on them.

it’s only when blue meets greg - thousands of years later - that we see even the tiniest of cracks, in which blue is made aware of some level of emotional intelligence, but is still firmly entrenched in the view that he’s just a Slightly more advanced organic than others. like... puppies comforting you. she was surprised he could even do that much. this was a slow process for rose as well! 

but anyway, at the point of the war, to many gems, they are concerned first and foremost with gemkind. life matters because of your singular, gem-oriented “purpose”... but some gems, like pink, who never saw herself as a justified goddess, take the opposite approach. they don’t see themselves as “above” other life out of either lack of awareness of the capabilities of intelligent life forms or a self-appointed Higher Purpose. they’re curious, and then, willing to fight for life they can bond with, once they learn to love. 

which brings me to...

h) how a big theme of the show as a whole is selflessness vs selfishness. 

here, the crystal gems as a whole have actually been on the side of selfishness, from homeworld’s perspective. the end of gathering resources would mean they would no longer create more gems. which, to HW, is selfish. which... of course it is, if you think you’re the only intelligent life out there. 

the way homeworld gems express themselves is through an elaborate system of self-perpetuation and creation, in which the emergence of more gems is a higher purpose for the collective. the individual doesn’t matter. to them, the random creatures they find on other planets do not matter. they’re just organics.

humans matter to pink because she’s, like i said, curious about alien life, and less convinced about her own purpose... but also more personal, relationship-driven, and cares about what happens the specific individuals she subjectively bonds with, rather than prioritizing the overall “needs” of her species, like a good queen bee is “supposed” to do. 

homeworld thinks that no individual feelings - even a diamond’s - is more important than perpetuating of the system that gives their species meaning. most gems are happy to be shattered for that cause, because they’ve never formed those “selfish” relationships that makes life worth living without purpose. so actually, yes, this works with pink’s motivation, and blue and yellow not being as easily swayed works with theirs.

(all of this is extremely relevant to the arc steven has in “future”, btw. he needs a reason to be needed, purpose. and pearl’s arc, white diamond’s arc, jasper’s arc, etc etc - living for purpose vs living for relationships and selfish exploration of the self is a massive theme of the whole show!! at leaast if you pay attention to anything more subtle than merely “here’s a lore dump!”, which the show has always avoided. it’s more sublime than that. you, too, are supposed to only have a small, subjective understanding of the world, like steven does, which teaches you to value subjective perspectives. your purpose is not higher than the agency of others, and you shouldn’t control the world.)

i) it makes dramatic sense, actually, to center the conflict around the first time gems have met another species that stand a chance of understanding them! hence steven is a bridge. that’s a good basis for mirroring two species, a conflict that raises interesting questions about how we, too, see non-human life, the premium we place on emotional connection vs “purpose”, and how even when we learn to value humans that are different from us, we might still fuck around and bulldoze a rainforest, if it’s convenient and we can justify it internally. 

and again, it’s more logical. as we know it, the story went “long ago, gems took resources all over the universe, until pink found a species intelligent enough some of them learned to bond with on a deeper level than Cool Pet Worm”, NOT “long ago, gems zapped a bunch of intelligent species - which we will not mention ever, or give any agency in the story - and pink just ignored that, until she randomly decided humans were more important than all those, for no reason, even though she’d met countless intelligent species before”. 

the former makes more sense in ~every reading of canon, be it thematic, logical, personal, character-driven, etc~... except the one most favored by SU’s most badfaith of critics, which is that the only “logical” way for the story to go is one in which we can safely label the diamonds as inhumanly, unchangably bad, rather than having base assumptions, motivations and logics that aren’t so different from many non-dictator humans.

i think for some, they protest not because that makes more sense on a thematic, logical or character level, but simply because they want to. they’re USED to being fed that narrative satisfaction has to do with seeing the bad guys face comeuppance, in place of inclusive, welfare-oriented healing. faced with storytelling that rejects their view of justice while also openly being subjective, sublime, and loving of all of its characters, not just the “nice” ones, they see it as a “failure” to be what they’re used to. 

if the world CAN systemically heal in a way that includes people you personally don’t forgive, that must be a “flaw”. if those “bad guys” haven’t actually killed hundreds of intelligent species offscreen who have no chance to heal, that doesn’t fuel your justification for the most cynical interpretation of justice possible, so that, too, “must” be a “flaw”. if it’s framed as possible for them to work towards undoing their harm, that deprives you of the satisfaction of edgy punishment for unhealable hurt, so that, too, is of course a “flaw”. any world where healing is possible for everyone, and the perpetrators can contribute, must be a “flaw”, to a mind only concerned with the validity of vengeance. 

even when the story is perfectly candid that you’re personally allowed to be hurt and traumatized (like steven - and most characters, really), you’re still allowed to feel... you just can’t expect society as a whole to abandon its “inclusive healing” model and function on your logic; that your pain is solved by vengeance. it isn’t.

in short, cry about it. 

[zathechaosgod]

Favourite Stream Moments!

Streamed by Philza on Twitch on Friday 11th of December

WILBUR SOOT NEW SONG OUT NOW

PHIL IS IN CALL WITH TECHNO TUBBO AND TOMMY

Hardcore btw

YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND IS SO POG

also the others are a bit ahead of phil so tommy (and techno) keep singing along but like in advance

it’s both SO FUNNY and SO GOOD

“we should invite this guy to the smp”

Tommy and tubbo in sync: “It better be on soundcloud”

Anyway, Phil has heard little tidbits and just heard it getting better and better over time so he was really hype

LMAO WILBUR STOPPED WATCHING HIS PREMIER TO SEE THEIR REACTIONS

also MCC update video now!! With the rest of the boys

the decorations look so pretty!!

ohh there’s a gifting game?

ohh some changes to parkour tag! the hunter will light up for a bit when he tags someone

bingo escaped from the nether pog

the snakes in ace race have santa hats lmaooo

also apparently tommy has seen stuff in snowball fights lmao

“i put guns in my snowballs”

anyway finally back to chat and getting hardcore open!

it’s now canon that tommy killed someone with a snowball? lmao

small ships time today!

also the antarctic skin is now canon in hardcore as well for now?

already a fishing request lol

first, we fish, then gapple gang catch up and ship building

Also Phil says stream Your New Boyfriend

TASTE DADZA, LA JOLLA AND SALINE SOLUTIONS AND JUBILEE LINE ARE SO GOOD

ALSO AT THE END OF MCC 1 WILBUR SNEAKILY PLAYED THE RIFF FROM LA JOLLA

which wasn’t even out yet until wayy later

also phil is a mood, I literally put on ycgma today

Phil is not bringing soundeffects paid for by pizza points back

bc they got too much when he passen 200 viewers and even got some videos copyrighted

and he’s explaining to the newbies that he’s literally feral and will kill everything in sight just bc chat asked him to name something

also LITERALLY 2K AWAY FROM 1MIL FOLLOWERS ON TWITCH POG

momza is being cursed why

please don’t pour down the flavour package from instant noodles please no

ohh phil has been grinding off camera

understandable though bc warped wood isn’t the quickest to farm

gapple gang catch up! 13 new members wow

time to try out the tiny tiny ships!

also there’s a ramen debate going on again

new among us map seems really pog!

there’s this moving platform and phil can already imagine sloooowwwly getting away from the imposter lmao

“don’t be dumd, dummies”

also americans don’t know how to use a kettle lmaoooo

bunch of savages

why would you use an entire pot to boil water

just fill up the kettle and press the button

TACOBLADE

(y- you mean a taco with pork)

oh no someone talked aboit potato chips with whipped cream

and now momza wants to try it

ian is making kettle puns now lol

(i have such a bad sense of humour, they get me every time)

oh he’s using the warped stems for the ship!

momza is here with the chips and whipped cream

she actually put a little toof of cream on every chip lmao

,,, it’s just cream and chips

“mario dead, pog?” apparently someone killed mario in a new super smash trailer

“canon death, he only has a couple left”

that moment where mario dies canonically on the dream smp

we’re just in cursed foot territory today huh

MARIO IS GONE CRAB RAVE

the tiny ship is already looking good! hull is starting to take shape

also chicken and waffles sounds like such a cursed experience

ohh the windows made from stairs are cool!

the interior is gonna be empty, but he can’t use leaves bc they’ll be visible though the windows rip

so halfslabs it is

bc buttons and pressure plates are expensive

PHIL HAS SUCCESFULLY EMAILED HIS TWITCH PARTNER MANAGER ABOUT THE TOE PICS

HE GOT THE GO AHEAD ELTS GOO

JUST 700MORE SUBS AND WE GOT THEM

“haha i def wont ask regarding the toes, were not able to preapprove it, but i cant imagine it will be a violation of tos, als long if you don’t turn it into a sexual thing”

rip phil’s friendly relationship with his twitch partner manager

the half-ship is not a priority, but it’s too good not to do it lmao

lmaooo a person spamming to visit tommy got banned

the ship looks pog!

also don’t believe tiktoks spouting nonsense about new update stuff, just keep an eye on the twitter accs of people from mojang

ohh the stripped warped stems really tie the whole thing together!

someone suggested baby zombie piglins for the tiny ships!

not the boy who lived though, he’s retired

“dadza do be collecting pig children” true lex

lmaooo phil is considering making another shifts that’s literally a raft

first tiny little details on the first tiny ship though!

daily reminder: blocks have eyes. all the blocks you’ve been mining have eyes and they’ve been looking at you and judging you

the raft is gonna be made out of campfires!

the raft is so cute lol

phil is considering a new title for pre-dream smp people or something?

which,,, that’s me but also i didn’t sub until this month :(

phil really just lost his mind for like,,, 30 seconds in a rant about realism then went “anyway, so just the sides?”

literally the only goal of this raft is to look funny

que the moment of panic when phil finally asks the big question: can mobs spawn on the campfires?

the answer is no, but the signs on the sides are useless bc of render distance issues

oh wow someone just made an awesome suggestion: turtles pulling the raft

which is gonna be a bit to get into the nether void, and even then they might just yeet themselves

“are we going to spend the rest of the stream getting turtles into the nether void?” yes, yes we are

TURTLE STREAM PART TWO LMAO

current strat: matching up portals right at the place where they’re gonna have to be, then get them manually in the overworld to the correct portal

but first replacing the signs with trapdoors

oof the overworld portal is gonna be a thousand blocks away both x and z

this is far just flying, let alone taking a turtle all the way rip

let’s hope the game blesses us wuth turtles nearby

someone suggested naming one of the turtles toby lmao

ITS LITERALLY ON A MOUNTAIN RIPPPPP

he’s taking a toilet break, but i saw him losing his mind rip

guess we’re gonna be here for a while huh

MOMZA CAME BY TO PUT A BEELLOON IN HIS SEAT LMAO

also tts is spamming sevens wow it’s weird hearing it go on for so long

he’s back!

he was rage brainstorming on the loo lol

he’s gonna bring the eggs then have them hatch nearby to save some pain

turtles nearby pog!

uh oh leads don’t work

it’s boating time bois

POG THE EXACT PORTAL LOCATION IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE RIVER WHICH IS CONNECTED TO THE OCEAN WHERE THE TURTLES ARE

so no boating over mountains!

he just suffocated a turtle in a boat

“my god they are stupid. not me i am the best. not my fault, never was my fault.” surreeeee

MIMZA

“if anyone was wondering if phil got cocky after the blow up, here’s your answer”

in a classic phil move: he forgot his brown shulker box and is now making a point in not picking it back up

to be fair, the man’s got over three chests of shulker boxes

phil has been holding his emergency bonus water bucket in his inventor this entire time to see if anyone would notice lmaooo

aww he’s nice today, he put ot back and even picked up the brown shulker!

someone asked about the big ol’ smuc podcast

he’s so surprised bc that was never a thing? that was just them sitting around bc his capture wasn’t working?

we just want the big ol’ smuc back phil

give it to us please

the legs of turtle become propellers when you push them lol

phil won’t tell us what the next big project is gonna be :(

he used to have such an awkward version of the urahara skin

but it’s always been urahara!

ONE OF THE TURTLES IS CHILLING IN A WALL OF LEAVES IN THE NETHER NOW

they all went through tho pog

“is he dead?”

the turtle really is just,,, not moving

now just to find a way to keep them in position and not have them kill themselves

black glass pog?

fun fact of the day: passive mobs don’t despawn unless killed, so the turtles won’t despawn!

also if you see a chicken in the nether, a baby zombie spawned on top of it, but the baby zombie despawns amd the chicken doesnt, leaving just the chicken lmao

the turtles are just staring at him as he’s placing the glass lol

they tried to run away now

“if anyone asks where the turtles came from, tell them they just showed up. they spawned here. if anyone asks tell them “well chickens spawn here””

time to rename them after the tmnt minus raphael!

HE JUST HIT ONE OF THEM

he (and all of us) would’ve lost it if he killed one

PHIL JUST IMPLIED HE KILLED RAPHAEL?

the turtles almost escaped! used the anvil he placed down to get over the bushes lol

turtles have been locked in black glass!

now let’s hope it actually looks cool lol

“by far the stupidest thing i’ve placed in the nethervoid, just saying”

“thank you for your money, no.” - to the bits dono who needs more pizza tokens

TURTLES LOOK POGGGG

chat is calling PETA on him lmaooo

he made his most recent backup like last week, but the last one before that was october oof

time to put a banner on as a sail!

and use more black glass to round out the thingy around the turtles

someone called chat feral and phil not feral at the beginning of stream

time to take that back bruh

lol dad just called little blade “little eggnoblade”

SHADERS POG

lol sneeg is using tts bc he needs phil’s info to send him merch

props to momza she’s sending it!

rare sight of unconnected glass texture in the nether void!

it’s weirding out Phil how little the turtles are moving lmao

also if you wanna become a contenct creator: diversify your media dont just stream on twitch, stream on youtube, use tiktok, whatever, but put yourself out there!

also check out philza’s likes on twitter for pog fanart!

THE HE AND SHE FANART IS SUPER POG WOW

AND PHI LTAKJING WITH THE BLAZE EMPRESS

AND THE ANGST

theres so much story in just three pictures wow

he even likes stuff from indirects lol

no fanart is hidden lmao

time to struggle with making banners!

he had to watch a tutorial for the one on his shield on the dream smp lmao

HE DOESNT HAVE WOOL

This man has everything but wool

“uh oh chat, i don’t think weve checked the iron farm in quite some time”

“i’m just gonna ignore it”

and this is supposed to be the responsible adult?

okay he’s got enough wool now, but he still needs cacti for the dye rip

his goal is to have farms for every single thing so situations like this don’t happen anymore

HE ALMOST MADE THE WRONG DYE LMAO

man is so rich he drops almost a stack of iron on the ground and doesn’t care

idiot man did not realise he had cactus green in a chest in the nether void lmao

redemption! the signs have a use after all so at least the banners hang now

phil with the not (?) moving turtles is like schlatt with the pope lmao he’s losing his mind

the raft has an itty bitty crow’s nest now!

LANA GIFTED THE EXACT NUMBER FOR 420SUBS POG

SNOOP DOG TIME

TIME TO PURGE THE WEAK AGAIN

Phil thinks he’s 90% of the streams now

(I can bet that he underestimates how much of us watch this thing unironically)

it’s so funny how often he gets raided during or right before Blend W time

“no we can get him to be straight” - this is about turtles looking in the right direction dw lol

“are they looking at me?”

mob ai is honestly a mystery lol, we’ll see how long they keep looking in the right direction

Phil is doubting building a really big ship now, bc he doesn’t want to cover up the smaller ones behind it

ohh no okay he found a position where it won’t block the other ones!

also he’s gonna stick to the warped wood bc he likes those the most

:o safe design! for on the titanic lmao

also rip endyman

phil sees a pig face and he just thinks “techno”

(in which he isn’t alone)

ohh someone suggested an awesome blackstone with gold ship but only half out of the portal so it doesn’t cover up the rest of the ships?

but first jack and rose bc we do not have time for a big ship like that rn

unofficial tommy raid lol

why would you not want to raid niki tho???

f in chat for second coin

also lore recap for hardcore at about 4 hours in!

(i’m really tempted to write a fantasy novel based on this lore now lmao, but imma wait bc there’s more lore to come with future projects)

ohhh the next project is gonna be in the overworld!!

amd it’ll introduce a new character pog

the titanic* (*nethervoid edition) is gonna be made out of blackstone! it’ll be a little test for the big ship as well!

Someone asked him where the whole “Philza Minecraft” came from and it’s bc people posted screenshots of like his twitch name with the game next to it and philcult and sleepytwt just pushed it so it’s a thing now

and now chat is spamming “PHILZA MINECRAFT”

lmao wednesday we spammed “MOMZA SUPREMACY” and kristin didn’t stop chanting it for the rest of the night

jack and rose on the bow of the ship is gonna have to be one of those things that we will not talk about again once it’s finished lol

also Phil is not gonna stream cyberpunk, not even gonna play it probably, bc just isn’t his thing

he went off to bother momza but she heard him coming :(

smp earth really feels like a decade ago huh

ship struggles again

this is one of those things where you just have to trust that it’s gonna work out in the end and keep going

ship is coming along nicely tho!

someone mentions sand and immediately chat becomes feral huh

(i did actually rewatch the sand jesus video today)

(also my little brother showed that one to our parents oops)

(so even my parents know about samd jesus)

the ship looks so saddd the mast is tipped over

ohh and banners as tattered sails!

time to yoink some wool and shulkerboxes for the sails!

“don’t wanna shave jeb, he doesn’t need that in his life right now”

the bully stare is the most hilarious thing i’ve heard lmao

the titanic is coming together already!

jack and rose are gonna be in black glass bc it won’t be very visible and we need them to stay in place

nevermind the netherstar, a heart of the sea as the heart of the ocean!

chat really wants him to name it dave

lmao we were waiting for a second zombie piglin to spawn and something dark spawned and phil was so confused but it was an enderman and it was not happy to be there

“who’s gonna be rose, gold pants or no pants?”

jack and rose are here now! (rose has pants)

karl raid!

THEY ESCAPED “well this is awkward. how about i just put them on the ship?”

he almost killed rose but i really thought that s5 was about to begin

THEYRE LOCKED IN FINALLY JACK AND ROSE ARE HERE AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE

Phil really only saw Pirates of the Caribbean recently,,, like dude

Time to raid Ranboo!

GARBAGE DAYYY

[whatyouandihave-makesmefree]

How to say “I love you” without actually saying it - or 137 Milkovichy ways to say “I fuckin’ love Ian Clayton Gallagher”.

1. Kiss me, and I’ll cut your fucking tongue out.

2. I’ll meet you there in 20.

3. You say that again, I’ll rip your tongue out of your head.

4. Take your hand off the glass.

5. You wanna chit chat more or you wanna get on me?

6. Fuckin’ tough guy, huh?

7. Jesus Christ, you want us to spread a blanket out and look for shooting stars next?

8. Sorry, I gotta go kill your dad, but I’m doing a lot of people a favor, including you.

9. -I missed you-  You did?  -Yeah, man.-

10. So, uh, what you going down for, then, huh?

11. Don’t know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.

12. -You fuck anyone in there yet?-  God, no.  -Wise choice.-

13. Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple days, so you wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can.

14. Fuck you, is what you were invited to.

15. What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? I’m gonna chase after you like some bitch?

16. -Don’t.-  Don’t what?  -Just…-

17. -You seen him?-  Why do you care?  -Don’t.-

18. You heard from Gallagher?

19. Not fucking Frank. The other one, the redhead.

20. I like fucking carrot-tops, like, with the freckles and the pale skin and fucking alien-looking.

21. He in trouble? What kind of trouble?

22. You wearing cologne?  -No. It’s Kenyatta’s perfume soap shit.-

23. I gotta take care of something important.

24. No, I’m not having fun. I spent the whole day looking for your coked-out ass.

25. You coming back?

26. I’ll do it.

27. Those fingers go anywhere near that cock, I’m gonna break every knuckle in your hand, all 15 of them.

28. Together.

29. That all you think he is? Some twink?

30. Probably best if you don’t, tough guy.

31. Of course we are.

32. You want me to go?  -No, I don’t want you to go.-

33. I’m not lying to you.

34. Ian, what you and I have makes me free, not what these assholes know.

35. Well, good. Leave. What the hell do I care, bitch? Fuck.

36. Hey! Excuse me! Can I get everybody’s attention, please? I just want everybody here to know I’m fucking gay. A big old ‘mo. I just thought everybody should know that. You happy now?

37. Fuck you! Don’t worry about it! I’ve been staying at Ian’s since you’ve been in the can, bitch! Guess what we’ve been doing, daddy! We’ve been fucking! And I take it! He gives it to me good and hard, and I fucking like it.

38. You’re a fucking dick. Yeah, there. That’s what you get.

39. You love him?  -Maybe. I don’t know.-  Because he has a real penis?  -Yeah, I guess.-

40. Rise and fucking shine, Cinderella.

41. Yo, sleepy-face.

42. Hey, you okay? Feeling sick or something?

43. All right, you want me to bring you back something to eat?

44. Ian, are you high? You take something?

45. Fuck’s wrong with him?

46. Before, he was fine. He was happy. He’s staying up all hours of the night, dancing, telling fucking jokes. He kicks my ass every day. I can’t keep up with him.

47. No, no, look. He– he’s low… We cheer him up.

48. What do you mean, hos– Like a psych ward? No fucking way! No fucking way! He’s staying here.

49. I can– I can take care of him. Okay? Let me take care of him until he’s better.

50. Don’t fucking tell me what’s impossible! We’re taking care of him here. You, me, us. His fucking family.

51. He’s not going to some fucking nut house. You hear me? He stays here. He’s staying with me.

52. I’ll be there.  -Better be.-

53. All right. I guess I’m going with you.

54. She’ll send him to a fucking shrink. No. We fix this ourselves.

55. I came out for you, you piece of shit.

56. What’s your type?  -Redhead.-  I am downstairs.  -Batshit crazy.-  Check.  -Packing 9 inches.-

57. I got to take you to a hospital, Ian.

58. I’m worried about you.

59. His partner. Lover? Family? You know?

60. At least he’ll be getting some kind of fucking help.

61. Relationship to the patient?  -Sister.-   -You?-  -Uh, boyfriend.-

62. Hey. Sorry I’m late.

63. We gotta get you to a fucking clinic. Get some meds. Today.

64. Hey, it’s okay. It’s all right.

65. He’s not a fucking lab rat.

66. He’s got me.

67. Hey, Ian’s sleeping in there.

68. All right, breakfast of champs. We got your mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, anti-depressant. Gatorade.

69. Shut the fuck up. Take the pills, bitch.

70. Hey, no caffeine on your meds.

71. Eat it. Take all those pills on an empty stomach and you’re going to have diarrhea real bad.

72. I didn’t know which Bs to get, so I just got all the fucking Bs. I got B-complex, super B-complex, B-12, B-6.

73. The hell happened to your hand?

74. Did a doctor take care of that?

75. You can’t go anywhere unless you get that looked at, man.

76. Your hand, man.

77. No, no. Look, you’re not supposed to drink on lithium. It makes your blood fucking toxic, and it gets you hammered in like two seconds flat. You can’t-

78. You look like a fucking wet rat.

79. We’re going on a date.  -Fuck, yes, we are.-

80. Where the fuck are you?

81. Where the fuck you been? 

82. You okay?

83. It means we take care of each other.

84. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit.

85. You look good.

86. Got a new tattoo. Did it myself. Hurt like a son of a bitch.

87. Been thinking about you. You ever think of me? Gonna wait for me?

88. Will you? Wait?

89. You like the high school bleachers? Our spot, man.

90. Look, I’m, um I’m getting some new IDs, some cash, and heading to Mexico.-  Wow.  -You should come.-

91. Thought a lot about you inside. You’re under my skin, man. The fuck can I do? Hmm? Can I do?

92. Knew you’d come. 

93. Come here.

94. I’m gonna see you again?

95. The fuck you looking at?

96. It’s what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us.

97. Oh, check it out. Ian Gallagher putting his big boy pants on!

98. You never fucking visited me.

99. What am I leaving behind? My family? Who cares I never see those shitheads again. You had my back more than they ever did.

100. You ever think about me? When I was in the joint?

101. Fuck, I missed you.

102. What the fuck is that? I don’t want your fucking money! I want you to come with– me.

103. Don’t do this.

104. Fuck you, Gallagher.

105. I rolled on the cartel I was working for, and in exchange, guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up?

106. No, I just did it ‘cause it was the right thing.

107. Would you be fucking happy?  -Yes, fuck, yes!-

108. I guess I need some advice. It’s about my partner, Ian.

109. You’re not throwing your fuckin’ parole for me. We need to get you the hell outta this shit-hole.

110. You don’t belong in here, Gallagher.

111. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.

112. FaceTime your brother. See the baby.

113. You seen Ian?

114. About time, man. Your Panda Express is getting cold.

115. Eat your Szechuan beans.

116. Chill your fucking tits and eat your noodles, man.

117. Let’s get out of here, get some Pinkberry.

118. No. No. I’m not running. I need to protect him.

119. Jesus Christ. You proposing to me over fucking patty melts?

120. Fuck it. I do.

121. When you know, you know. You know?

122. No, just saying you don’t love me enough now. And that’s fine. It’s cool.

123. Jesus Christ, save the fucking speech, you pussy. I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll fucking marry you.

124. You must really love cock.  -I definitely love one.-

125. You ever try to get me to move to Milwaukee, I’ll fuckin’ murder you.

126. Hey, I like the blue ones.  -Yeah?- 

127. You sure you still wanna go through with this?  -Yes. Why?-

128. You’re a sneaky bastard.

129. -Take your meds?-  Yes.  -Good.-

130. The son of a bitch is never gonna let me be happy. He needs to die today.

131. Well, there’s plenty of strays wandering around the neighborhood. I’m sure we can pick one up for cheap.

132. Yeah, well, at least I don’t have to hide in a coffin till the sun goes down.

133. Damn straight, Gallagher.

134. I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,  to love and to cherish you till death do us part.

135. Good morning, Mr - Millagher?

136. You hungry?

137. You wanna go again?  -Absolutely.-

[ishouldbestudyingprobably]

Quests of Yore night! || Barley Lightfoot x Reader

This is gonna flop so hard but hey, I’m doing this for fun. Just to clarify, I’ve seen the movie in Spanish before all of this happened... So, maybe some stuff is not EXACTLY like the original movie, sorry. Anyways, hope you enjoy and don’t be shy to request a oneshot;;

Also, pardon my English :((

“Come on, (Y/N)!! Roll the dices, don’t keep us waiting!” a young troll said staring at the female.

The mentioned girl was confident about his movements, it wasn’t the first time (and definitely wouldn’t be the last) she played Quests of Yore with her group of friends, she loved those boys to death altough they were always testing her.

“I heard you the first time, gosh...” the purple-skinned girl shook her hand with the dices inside and opening her palm gasped. She needed to roll a 12 or more and...

“19?! THERE’S NO WAY YOU GOT IT!” another one of the boys hit the table with a closed fist making some cards fly away which were then getting picked by a giggly blue elf.

“HA! Face it, Shawn, I’m a way better magician than you.” 

A quick <<yeah, you wish>> was heard before (Y/N)’s phone began ringing. A few minutes into conversation she hung up and stood from the chair flashing a smile towards the boys. “Sorry, gotta go, mom needs me. You guys can continue the campaign though, just don’t ruin it.” Bye’s made themselves present before she left the house; seconds after this the door closed again as the older sibling from the Lightfoot family chased after the girl.

“Hey, (Y/N)! I thought since you’re leaving and I’m leaving... How about instead of taking the bus like you always do I give you a ride on Guinevere?” he hoped she said yes but, come on, it was almost impossible you kno-

“Okay.” She simply replied grinning. “Okay?” The boy was beyond shocked by her response. “Yes, okay, I agreeded. You wanted me to go, right? It’s not too late for me to just take the bus if you regret it, you know? I won’t be angry at you.”

“No way, José! You can’t unnacept my quest, (Y/N) the Powerful- Your name is so bad, you should change it, saying it made me cringe.”

“Wow, charming as always, Lightfoot.”

The both giggled as they made their way to the van. It doesn’t matter how many times she’s seen it, everytime there was something new to discover. The paint job was really good contrasting with how bad was the... well... overall vehicle. The 19 year old elf pridely opened the door for her companion and waited until she sat to get inside himself doing the little maneuver with the key he always had to do to turn the engine on. 

“So... Any recent discoveries on what this city holds?” Barley asked, making the female shake her head no.

“I’ve been in here for almost three years and so far everything seems normal, something’s trying to escape from me... Bet our biology teacher is sleeping with Britt.” The boy flinched at the thought. “What, no! That’s... Disgusting, stop saying that. I meant real discoveries.”

“Oh, about like magic? No, nothing yet... I sense something but I can’t figure out what that is... How are things going on with Ian?” The boy shrugged. “He’s still thinking about... Dad.” The girl nodded her head. “Must be really hard for him...”

The conversation died there and there were still around 8 minutes until they got to the (L/N)’s property, an uncomfortable silence which they tried to cover with music filled the vehicle. Tension could be sensed from afar. See, both Barley and (Y/N) had something to talk about but never tried to bring it up.

“Gosh, say something, it’s not usual for you to be quiet this long...” She chuckled but stopped when a sigh filed her ears.

“I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to tell you for... Well, for a really long time. Like REALLY, REALLY long time.” She motioned for him to continue and taking a shaky breath he did as expected. “Ever since you came to New Mushroomton I couldn’t help but think wow she’s pretty, but when you started hanging out with me and the boys it all changed to WOW SHE IS PRETTY AND ACTUALLY REALLY COOL, HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!” The girl giggled and soon he copied her action. “And, these last months got me thinking, how do you know if you like someone? I guess they make you feel tingly on your tummy; check. They make the day better by just existing; check. They make you feel confident; not necessarily a check since I am confident, but, check. So... If my whole checklist is done I suppose I like them, right? So, I. This was far easier when I practiced with Ian... I think I may be starting to fall for you, (Y/N).”

His confesion was followed by silence which made the young man frown worried he might have destroyed their relationship. He turned his head to her and found out she was smiling.

“I think I may be starting to fall for you as well, Barle- EYES ON THE ROAD, LIGHTFOOT, EYES ON THE ROAD!”

“And that is the story of how I got this super awesome broken arm and gorgeous girlfriend!” 

Ian looked at him perplexed, he didn’t know what confused him more, the fact that his brother had a girlfriend or that he almost murdered her and still, she said yes.

“That’s... Quite a story you got there...”

“YUP!”

[skatoonyfan1234]

'Micro Hiro One'

[Request for IHeartDreamworks, and set after the events of 'Big Chibi 6'. Hiro ends up shrunk to microscopic size by Ian's Size Ray Glove, when Honey Lemon tests it out. Warning: nudity at the end.]

It all began one day at KreiTech. It was a day or so, following the defeat/arrest of Ian, Krei's meek employee, who was also the gaming supervillain Hardlight, who had attacked Karmi's book signing.

Hiro, Baymax, and their friends, Fred, GoGo Tomago, Honey Lemon, and Wasabi were busy clearing out Ian's empty office - since Ian was now in prison, he was officially fired from KreiTech.

They were sorting through the things in Ian's office - Ian's Olaf coffee cup, the 'Slaughter Race' strategy guide, and the jam jars full of Ian's toenail clippings.

Fred apparently was taking the 'Slaughter Race' strategy guide, and Wasabi was emptying the jam jars which contained Ian's toenail clippings; emptying the contents of said jam jars into a wastepaper basket, almost feeling disgusted by them.

"Is it ok if I take this?" Honey asked Hiro, whilst holding the Olaf coffee cup.

"Yup." Hiro said.

"What about this?" Honey Lemon said, holding out a glove that resembled Hiro's super suit power glove, but in pink.

Hiro eyed the glove. To his eyes, it resembled his super suit power glove.

"The colour DOES look familiar, though." he said as he put it on, reminding him of Hardlight, the villain identity of Ian, the former employee of KreiTech.

He took it off his hand, and Honey put it on hers.

"It's a nice color." Honey said, admiring the glove that seemed to flop about on her hand a bit.

She tapped a few things on it, and the lights on the glove started to light up. "Wow!" she said, "It even lights up too!"

Suddenly, a pink beam shot out from said glove, and struck Hiro, who, almost immediately, seemed to vanish into thin air.

"Wow." Fred said, amazed. "That. Was. Cool!"

"Hang on." GoGo said, staring at a label. "This label says 'Size Ray Glove; a glove with the power of a size ray, to shrink things or people, or make them grow.'"

"Size Ray Glove?" Fred said, shocked. "Whoa."

"You can say that again." Wasabi said. "A glove that can change the size of things and people. Isn't that impressive, Hiro?"

But, Hiro didn't answer, because Hiro wasn't there.

"Hiro?" Fred called.

"Hiro?" Wasabi called.

"Down here!" squeaked a tiny voice, coming from a microscopic version of Hiro Hamada.

For you see, Honey had accidentally zapped Hiro with the Size Ray Glove, shrinking him down to microscopic size.

Thankfully, since the Size Ray Glove had it's clothes option set to 'yes', Hiro's clothes had shrunk with him.

"Guys!" I'm down here!" he called out. But it didn't work; he was too tiny to be heard. From Hiro's new size, his friends, and Baymax, were as big as the city skyscrapers of San Fransokyo.

Of course, Wasabi saw Hiro, but, unfortunately, he mistook him for something else entirely.

"Agh! A bug!" Wasabi screamed, climbing up onto the desk. "That bug is freaking me out! and it's wearing Hiro's clothes!"

"Wait a minute." GoGo said. She opened a desk drawer and picked out a magnifying eyepiece used by jewellers [which, of course, Ian used whilst clipping his toenails.], and looked at the 'bug'.

"That's no bug." she said. "That's Hiro!"

"YES!" Hiro said, his voice high and squeaky, "That Size Ray Glove shrunk me! Use it to grow me back again!"

"Got it, Hiro!" Honey Lemon said. She activated the Size Ray Glove, tweaked the settings, and aimed toward the speck where GoGo was pointing.

A blue beam shot out from said Size Ray Glove, and zapped Hiro, who immediately grew back to his normal size.

Hiro saw that he was now back to his normal size, clothes and all. "Thanks, guys." he said.

"Don't mention it." GoGo said. "That's what teammates do."

Wasabi got down off the desk. "I knew it wasn't a bug after all." he said, which earned him stern looks from GoGo and Hiro. "Well, more or less." he said innocently.

Hiro examined the Size Ray Glove Honey gave him. "It's amazing that Ian built this."

"Well," Wasabi stated, "I guess he got the idea when Officer Cruz used your super suit glove on him when he was Hardlight."

"Yeah," Hiro said, placing the Size Ray Glove gently down on the desk. "Still," he said, "in the wrong hands, a glove like this can be very dangerous."

"Hiro, take a look at this." Honey said, showing Hiro a book - a book called 'Swedish for Idiots'.

"Ian musta been studying Swedish." Hiro said. "Someone would think the Size Ray Glove could be Ian's Nobel Prize." Wasabi added.

"Well," Hiro said, "We'll make sure to have this Size Ray Glove under control in our possession. Ian won't even notice that his Size Ray Glove is-" he turned round and saw the Size Ray Glove has gone! "-Gone?!"

He was right; the Size Ray Glove WASN'T on Ian's desk anymore - it was gone!

"Honey Lemon, please tell me 'gone' is Swedish for 'it's right there'." GoGo said to Honey.

"And where's Fred?" Honey asked.

"Fred went outside with the shrink ray glove." Baymax said, pointing to the door.

------------------------------

They found the Size Ray Glove was outside, on Fred's hand.

"Fred, what are you doing?!" Wasabi asked, horrified.

"I wonder what happens if we use the Size Ray Glove's 'grow' function on someone?" he said, aiming the Size Ray Glove toward Alistair Krei, who was just standing around, minding his own business.

"No, Fred!" GoGo, Wasabi, Honey, and Hiro all said at once.

Too late; Fred used the Size Ray Glove's 'grow' setting on Alistair Krei. Immediately, Krei grew and grew and grew. As that happened, the team heard a loud ripping noise.

"Oh no." Baymax said. "You said it." Hiro said to the robot.

You see, since the clothes option on the Size Ray Glove was set to 'no', Krei's clothes hadn't grown with him, not even his underwear, so Krei grew and grew and grew til he was now a huge naked giant, about as high as the top of the KreiTech building.

"Oh boy." Krei said to himself. "It's very breezy up here today."

Honey gasped, and quickly hid her eyes. Hiro's jaw dropped.

"I am never gonna unsee that." Wasabi said. GoGo just gave Fred a cold glare.

"Don't worry, Krei," Hiro sighed, taking the Size Ray Glove from Fred, putting it on his hand, and tweaking the settings, "should have you back to normal in no time."

He aimed the Size Ray Glove toward Krei, set the glove to 'shrink', and shrunk him down to normal size.

He took the Size Ray Glove off his hand. "I think it's best we get this to Officer Cruz, so he can deal with it." Wasabi said. "We'll take it over to the police station immediately."

"And we'll make sure to keep Fred's hands OFF it till we get there." GoGo said, giving Fred a glare so cold, it almost made him wet his pants.

His friends headed off. Hiro was about to follow them when...

"Intern," Krei called, gettin' Hiro's attention.

"Yes, Mr. Krei?" Hiro said, as he turned around and saw Krei standing, covering his manhood with the tattered remains of his suit jacket.

"Can you get me a spare set of pants?"

[qualidude]

Could you post an excerpt of your writing pretty please?

I’m going to do this under the cut so I’m not just filling up everyone’s dash, but thanks for asking! It’s cool y’all are interested. It took me a while to decide what part would be good to share. I thought about trying to pull an excerpt from each of the three POVs, but I think that would get too long to share in a text post on Tumblr. This is part of the scene where the most characters are present at once. It’s told from Avery’s perspective. She’s basically the dyke of my dreams but also....not. I wrote a little more about her in response to this ask Co-author is @arabdyke​ ! Also, if you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, follow the link above!

One thing I will say about this book is that we aren’t going for anything fancy, more going for attachment to the characters and readability (since it’s so fuckin long lol). It all takes place in first perspective, so we are just trying to achieve something that feels natural. Let me know what y’all think!

“I’m gonna go smoke,” I say when there’s finally a lull in the conversation. “I’ll come,” Ian offers, which surprises me. I won’t turn down the company though. Amanda heads off to some other part of the house while all three of us make our way outside. I take a cigarette out, lighting it. I try to exhale away from Ian, but the smoke keeps blowing in his face. “Sorry,” I crack a smile. He just smiles back wearily. “Do you think Everest likes that Amanda girl?” I ask. He sighs and shrugs, looking pathetic about it. “Probably. I don’t know. I mean, it’s fine if he does.” “Is it?” He slumps again. “I mean, yeah, it is.” “Why isn’t it fine?” I ask, ignoring what he just said. Ian looks around hesitantly like he’s making sure we’re far away from all other ears. He seems deeply uncomfortable. I seriously feel bad for this guy. He doesn’t know what I know, but even if I didn’t, I’d never be shitty about it. He probably even knows that, but it might not make it easier.

“It’s just hard to watch Everest date anyone now...after Gwen was so awful.” “Mm,” I muse. “Well, Amanda seems nice.” Rudolf’s staring at Ian intensely like he’s trying to will him into just spitting it out already. “I guess,” Ian agrees slowly. “Nice enough.” Rudolf kind of rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything. Ian just crosses his arms, staring off at nothing in particular. “There are other reasons too,” he mumbles, still not making eye contact. “Like...I don’t know. I like him.” Jesus. Finally. “Aw, that’s sweet,” I tease, not wanting to act too shocked or knowing. “You guys have known each other forever. How long have you been into him?” “A long time. Too long, probably. It’s stupid, right?” “It’s not stupid,” Rudolf cuts in before I can come up with a response. “You can’t help the way you feel.” Ian just shrugs. “Rudolf’s right,” I say. “It’s not stupid.” “It’s pretty hard not to feel that way,” Ian chuckles bitterly.

“Trust me, I get it…” I continue. “I was in love with my best friend too once upon a time, but it’s not the end of the world. He could feel the same way even. You have no idea.” “Yeah,” Rudolf adds. “I mean, he did date a guy once, right? You kinda left that part out before, buddy.” “We were kids,” Ian says, getting red. “That barely counts.” “Of course it counts,” Rudolf insists. “Well, he isn’t gay,” Ian says pointedly. “He literally told me he was bi just a few days ago.” Ian gets quiet and seems confused. He looks like he’s trying to figure out how that could be possible. “He told you that?” he asks finally. Rudolf nods. “He never told me that,” Ian states. I can tell he doesn’t know what to make of this new information. Is it a good thing? Mostly he just looks dazed. “He thought you knew,” Rudolf says. “He said he thought it wasn’t a big deal.” Ian takes a deep breath. “Well, I don’t think that changes anything.”

“Dude, yeah, it does,” Rudolf keeps at it. “You have a chance. That’s something, right?” Ian doesn’t seem convinced. He just looks uncomfortable, like he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Maybe,” he says simply. There’s a sense of finality in his tone like he’s putting an end to the conversation. He looks off into space again after that. I chain smoke a few cigarettes, mostly because I don’t know what else to say or do. When I’m about to reach for another, Rudolf takes it out of my hand. “We can go back inside,” he says, handing the cigarette back to me. He looks kind of shocked by what he just did like he acted without thinking. Ian sees the expression on Rudolf’s face and chuckles. “Yeah, alright, we can go back in.”I smile at Rudolf to try to ease the tension. Then I follow them inside, stashing the cigarette back in my pack. By now, it’s louder and a lot more crowded. I don’t recognize anyone, but that’s alright. Maybe it will be better if we don’t see anyone we know tonight. Ian’s surveying the room, probably looking for Everest. He gives up quickly, though. “I might go check things out in the kitchen,” I say. “Wanna tag along?” “Sure,” Rudolf nods, letting me lead the way. Ian doesn’t say anything but follows after us regardless. There are a few people hanging around the table and like Amanda mentioned, one of them’s doing trash rat tats. I greet them with a nod and then pick up some flash sheets sitting on the table, looking them over. Some of them are pretty basic, but some are cool. There’s one of a gory eyeball and another of a fat pigeon that I somehow love as much as I hate.

“Are you getting one?” Rudolf asks, glancing over the designs in my hands. “Yeah, I think so.” Ian looks along with us, but I know this really isn’t his scene. “Which one do you think you’ll get?” he asks. “Hmm, probably this one,” I say, pointing to the eyeball. “It’s so gross,” he cringes. “Yeah, I like gross shit.” “You should see her art,” Rudolf says fondly. I smile at him. “Think this suits me?” “Yeah, it’ll look good.” When the current crowd clears, the person holding the tattoo gun looks at us and asks if there’s anything sparking our interest.“This one’s pretty cool,” I say, handing them the sheet. “Sweet,” they say. “Take a seat.” So, I do. The tattooer isn’t super chatty, but that’s fine. I kind of prefer it. I decide to get the work on my arm in the small space I have left between two stick-n-pokes I got a few years back. Ian and Rudolf sit with me, but Ian just looks queasy. “You don’t have to stick around,” I assure him, but he forces a smile and asks me if it hurts. “Not really,” I say, hoping that’ll help somehow. That’s the truth. It doesn’t really hurt. You get used to it. A few minutes in, a new group of people pile into the kitchen. Amongst them, of all fucking people, is Cameron. Fucking fantastic. 

Rudolf doesn’t notice right away. He’s busy staring at my arm, but after a minute, he looks up at me. I must seem uncomfortable because he raises an eyebrow and then turns around. His expression immediately slips as he makes eye contact with Cameron. Then he turns back to me, looking dead-eyed. When Cameron spots us, he wastes no time heading over. Rudolf wastes no time leaving. I wish I could follow him, but I literally can’t. “Hah, of course you’d be into this lame shit,” he says to me, ignoring Rudolf’s disappearing act. The tattooer scoffs under their breath. “Cameron, fuck off,” I say limply. “I’m not in the mood.” “Ow,” he feigns hurt. “Watch it, Avery.”

Cameron takes the seat that Rudolf was previously occupying. “Hey,” he says to Ian. “Hey,” Ian responds, looking unsure of the whole situation. “Who are you?” “Cameron Fant,” he says, holding his hand out. “You?” Ian accepts his hand slowly, giving it a firm shake. “Ian.” God. Who introduces themselves like that? Was Cameron always this annoying, or did I just not see it? “Are you one of Avery’s friends?” Cameron asks, probably prepared to make himself look perfect in the eyes of a new, handsome stranger. Ian nods, and Cameron asks where we met.

“Weight class.” “Why haven’t I seen you around before?” “This isn’t really my thing.” Cameron laughs and then touches Ian’s shoulder. “Well, yeah, this is awful,” he says. “I’ll show you something better.” Ian’s face is red again. Cameron probably loves that. He’s oozing confidence and it fucking sucks. I wish I could tell Ian right now just how awful and disgusting Cameron is, but I can't. Not without betraying Rudolf's trust. Instead, I zone out and stare down at my arm, trying not to listen. Cameron keeps flirting with Ian and it’s honestly the vilest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen these moves a million times before, but now, with everything coming into the light, I can barely keep it together.“Cam, screw off, you’re not even his type,” I say before I can help myself. Cameron’s eyes snap to me and he looks pissed. Ian looks uncomfortable too, but screw them both! It’s literally just the truth. Besides, this isn’t something Ian wants to get mixed up in even for one second. He knows Cameron’s an ass, but he’s also charming as hell. I don’t want to risk Ian falling for the facade. “Oh you know fuck-all,” Cameron spits at me before turning back to Ian like I never said anything at all. Ian looks so fucking distressed and I feel bad because I know he doesn’t know how to make this stop. “So, what do you do?” Cameron asks, crossing his arms in a way that I think is supposed to make him seem laid back. “Uh, I just graduated,” Ian mumbles.“Wow, me too,” he says and he just sounds so damn sure of himself. “From where?” “U of M.” “Huh,” Cameron smiles condescendingly. “I went to the Academy of Art with Avery and Rudolf before his lame ass dropped out. I’m a sculptor.” “I heard…” Ian says, wide-eyed. “That’s...cool?” Ugh. Don’t encourage him! “It is pretty cool. Probably the best job in the world. I get to do whatever I want and make all my own hours.” Jesus Christ, he sounds so full of himself. I swear to God he’s a complete and utter fucking narcissist.

Cameron keeps talking about himself and I can’t help but notice that he sounds a little more invested than normal. I keep staring at them, trying to figure it out. Ian certainly is Cameron’s type, even if the reverse isn't true. I guess Ian looks a bit like Jackson, which is funny because Jackson looks a bit like Cameron. All these fucking white boys, man. That might be what’s keeping Cameron’s interest. He’s shallow, after all.

Just as Ian looks like he’s about to absolutely lose it, Cameron gets a text. He pulls out his phone and smirks to himself. “I’ve got something I need to take care of,” he says to Ian. “But I’ll see you around.” “Sure,” Ian responds. “Later, Avery,” Cameron says to me before leaving the kitchen.

Once he’s gone, Ian leans into me and urgently whispers, “Was he hitting on me!?”

Ugh. “Yeah,” I say with distaste. “That’s the guy Rudolf slept with, huh?” “Yep...” I say again, getting knots in my stomach. “He’s pretty crappy.” Ian gives a long nod, sitting back in his seat. “That’s what Rudolf and Everest both said.” Hopefully, that’s enough for Ian to put the idea to rest. If he rejected Rudolf’s advances before, then he’s probably not about to fall into Cameron’s trap. He’s just too nice to tell Cameron to fuck off. When my tattoo is done, the artist wraps it for me and I pull my wallet out, handing them a few bills.

“Thanks,” I say, “This is great.” That felt like forever. Usually, I enjoy the entire process, but Cameron ruined it. Now I just want to find Rudolf. I wander through the house, shoving everyone who bumps into me. I am not in the fucking mood. “Let me know if you see Rudolf,” I say to Ian. He nods, glancing around with me for a few minutes until we find Rudolf sitting on a sofa. There are a bunch of other people sitting around him, but I can tell he probably hasn’t been talking to any of them. There’s a drink in his hand and I can’t help but wonder if it’s his first or his fifth. “Hey, man,” I say. He nods, but with the way his head bobs I can tell he’s pretty fucked up. Man, this sucks. I never expected to see Cameron here. “Are you okay?” I ask.

“Fine,” he insists but his voice is high and slurry. I offer him a hand, pulling him up from the sofa and away from the crowd of folks hovering in the living room. “Cameron’s pretty full of himself, huh?” Ian says. 

I think he’s trying to make Rudolf feel better, but it doesn’t work. Rudolf just scowls. 

“What was he doin’? Talkin’ about how talented and popular and amazing he is?” “Pretty much,” Ian says. “Typical. Was he flirting?” Rudolf keeps wobbling against me, but at least he’s coherent. “Um...I don’t know. Maybe a bit?” Everest reappears finally, clapping a hand on Ian’s shoulder. “Hey! Sorry I got swept off! How’s it going?”

“I got a tattoo,” I say, lifting my arm. “Woah, sweet!” he exclaims. “You’ll have to show me later.” “Cameron decided to show up,” Rudolf adds, sharing a look of disdain with Everest. “Oh… ew,” Everest says slowly. “Man, that guy is so lame.” “He hung around, so I left,” Rudolf shares. “God, yeah I would’ve, too…I would’ve peaced right the fuck out.” “Yeah, plus watching him flirt with Ian would’ve made me want to puke. Glad I missed that.” Everest’s jaw slacks. He looks at Ian and then back at Rudolf. 

“Are you kidding? That guy really has no shame.” Ian laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, I didn’t really know how to react…”

The tension doesn’t go away. It just keeps building. Ian and Everest don’t know how truly foul Cameron is. They think Rudolf is upset because he slept with Cameron and things went south, but that’s not even close. We stand around for a minute and Rudolf keeps drinking. Hell, we all keep drinking, except Ian who looks like he just wants to go home. “What did Cameron even say to you?” Everest mumbles, pushing a topic I really wish he’d just drop. “Mm…” Ian twists his face like he’s trying to remember. “He mostly just talked about how he’s an artist. He told me I’d like the party scene if I went places with him.” “Gross,” Everest scoffs. “That’s never happened to me before,” Ian confesses. “A guy’s never hit on me like that before.”

He seems put off, but still somehow excited. I wish he wasn’t, but I’m trying to understand. Sometimes it just feels nice to have someone acknowledge you, especially when you’ve been in the closet so long. It makes you feel less alone, even if that person is a total scumbag. “Yeah, well Cameron’s a douche,” Everest snaps. “Oh, yeah, I mean, I know that,” Ian looks taken aback. “I’m not going to keep talking to him or anything.” Yikes. I wonder what has Everest so riled up over this. Did Rudolf tell him what happened? Everyone seems uncomfortable and I’m starting to think that we should just get the hell out of here. It’s such a fucking drag that Cameron sucked the life out of our whole night like this. Too bad my best friend turned out to be an absolute nightmare of a person. 

Too bad my ex-girlfriend hates me now because she can’t see how shitty he is. 

Too bad I clearly have the world’s worst taste in people.

“Do you guys want to head home?” I decide to ask, hoping someone will take the bait.

“Not yet,” Everest says, his arms crossed. I look to Rudolf and he just frowns. Ugh. Jesus Christ. This is why I hate going out! This is why I hate parties. I literally never have a good time. Why do I even try anymore? I hate having to manage everyone’s feelings! “Okay,” I scuff the sole of my shoe against the floor. If I can’t get these guys to leave, maybe I can make Cameron want to. Then I could enjoy myself again.

[recurring-polynya]

In my Great Summer of Austen, I have just finished Persuasion, which I don’t hear talked about all that much and I wanna talk about it.

The plot of Persuasion is that you’ve got Anne Elliot, middle daughter of a baronet who lives beyond his means. In her youth, Anne fell deeply in love with a young (relatively) poor sailor, Frederick Wentworth. Anne’s mother died, but she is often advised by her mother’s best friend, Lady Russell, who convinces Anne to break the engagement because she doesn’t think Wentworth is good/rich enough for her (hence the name of the book). After an eight-and-a-half year timeskip, the Elliots are in the middle of the process of moving to Bath because they can’t afford their ancestral home any more, when Wentworth rolls back into town and all the Austen-esque shenanigans you expect ensue.

I didn’t like Persuasion as much as Pride and Prejudice, but I liked it a lot more than Emma. It was recommended to me by someone who knows my taste in OTPs, so this book already had me at “eight-year painful separation”, “poor guy makes good and proves himself” and also “sea captains.” It’s not a perfect novel-- Austen keeps trying to hammer home this theme of whether it is better to be strong-willed or persuadable, and it’s like, yes, Jane, we see the name of the book, we get it. Anne and Wentworth are also just a little too perfect; the only conflict of the book is them being not sure the other one still likes them. That’s not the worst thing in the world, though because the supporting cast is bananas.

Walter Elliot is Anne’s dad, and he is the exact flavor of Awful that I love and adore. Not only is he extremely vain, but he is constantly judging people for their physical features. Freckles? No. Ginger? Absolutely not. Sailors? As a rule, hideous. His rant about there were too many uglies in Bath is ::chef’s kiss.:: After Admiral Croft moves in to his house, Anne asks him how he likes it, and he’s like “it’s real nice, but there were so many mirrors in the bedroom, wtf.”

Speaking of which, Adm. and Lady Sophy Croft move into Kellynch Hall. Everyone in the Navy has just come back from the war super rich, and the Crofts rent out the ancestral Elliot home, saving everyone a lot of trouble. Apparently, Sophy just tagged along with the Admiral on all his cruises. She is made of leather and is awesome. Adm. Croft loves tearing ass around the county in his phaeton even though he tips it constantly and Sophy goes with them and they have a great time. These two are #squadgoals and Anne wishes they were her parents. Anne has to ride in the phaeton at one point and Sophy is just “watch out for that pole, dear” the whole time. At one point, Adm. Croft sees a drawing of a ship in a print shop window and complains about how shitty it is for about three pages, has the artist ever even SEEN a ship??

Charles Musgrove is married to Anne’s younger sister Mary, who is A Lot. Charles actually asked Anne to marry him first, but Anne turned him down. Charles is super chill about this. Charles is super chill about everything actual, except for shooting, DO YOU WANT TO GO SHOOTING? An astounding amount of plot gets going by Charles making people go shooting with him, or inviting people over for shooting, or one time they had to come home early from shooting. There’s a part where everyone is in the sitting room, and Charles’ head appears in the window “DOES ANYONE WANT TO GO SHOOTING??” At the end of the book, Wentworth has just sent Anne a love letter and she desperately wants to talk to him, but can’t because Charles is walking her home, and Charles sees Wentworth and shouts “CAN YOU WALK ANNE HOME, THIS GUY SAID I COULD COME LOOK AT HIS GUN AND IT SOUNDED SO SWEET” and then runs off in a little puff of dust. I love this Austen-ian himbo and his hyperfixation.

Some other stuff I loved:

I counted at least five characters in this book named Charles. This is a baller move, characters are hard to name.

Despite Lord Elliot’s diatribe on how leathery sailors are, every sea captain in this book was an absolute dreamboat. For all the doofy-ass side characters, every sea captain was handsome, chill, fun to be around, and thought Anne was super cool. There was the melancholy, poetry-reading sea captain, the happily married sea captain, cool ass Adm. Croft, and of course, Capt. Wentworth himself, hot, rich, sensitive, but chill, and at one point, he holds a baby. This book was Jane Austen’s sea captain thirst tower, and I am here for it. I love a sea captain, especially when he is also a smokeshow.

Carriages. I think it was Anne’s sister Mary who was obsessed with what everyone in this book drove, but they were constantly talking about various kinds of carriages I had never heard of before. I very much enjoyed letting all of this wash over me, even though I could not tell you the difference between a barouche and a landaulette. This is like a modern day romance novel with an unnecessary attention to detail on which Lexus everyone drove and I enjoyed contemplating whether or not Jane Austen would be into Jalopnik if she lived today.

The trip to Lyme. The trip to Lyme was so fun! They took a bunch of walks and saw the sea and stayed at an inn and met all of Capt. Wentworth’s cool sea captain buddies and it would have been the best trip EVER, except at the end, Louisa (the red herring sister-in-law you think Wentworth is gonna get with) jumps off a dune or something and Wentworth fails to catch her and she gets a concussion and everything thinks she’s going to die. You’re just reading along and then this happens and it’s like... wut? What just happened?? BIG YIKES.

There’s some other dude who is Anne’s cousin who wants to marry her and it’s mostly boring, until, three chapters from the end, Anne has been meeting with this old school friend of hers, who is now poor, and Anne’s like “I’m not that into Mr. Elliot, actually” and the friend absolutely GOES OFF on Mr. Elliot and details his Crimes for roughly 15 pages. Wow. Damn, son.

Conclusion: Persuasion slaps, eleven phaetons out of ten.

[gra-sonas]

It’s been just a little over a year since “Liberty Biberty” became a part of our cultural vernacular, but that’s when Tanner Novlan garnered national attention as the tongue-tied, clueless, narcissistic actor in Liberty Mutual’s line of popular commercials. “I had seen the series they were doing of Liberty Mutual commercials in front of the Statue of Liberty,” Novlan relays. “And yes, people do come up to me all the time and say, ‘Liberty Biberty.’ It’s so fun that everyone can relate to that obnoxious actor. He was so much fun to play. When you get BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL, you’re like, ‘Wow, this is a career-changer,’ but for a funny little commercial like that, you never think [like that].”

Novlan auditioned for B&B in March and landed the part but couldn’t start, or even talk about it, until the soap began production over four months later due to the coronavirus pandemic. “I don’t know their old way of filming, so this is my new normal,” the actor relays. “Being the first production in North America to be back, it was amazing. It’s like, ‘This really is the new normal.’ It’s been such a unique process but it’s been amazing how all the producers have come together to figure this out and put forth these groundbreaking guidelines, making things safe and efficient and being able to work around all of this and keep everything alive. They’ve come up with some really creative ways of making shots work, but also feeling natural. Yes, we have to socially distance. We always are wearing our masks so we’re very cautious in that manner, but when you get into the scene and you’re reading opposite Jacqui [MacInnes Wood, Steffy], even if she is off camera, the connection is there, and I think it comes through.”

Novlan is thankful that he had some inside knowledge of how things worked at B&B, since he’s the real-life husband of B&B alum Kayla Ewell (ex-Caitlin). “It’s so perfect to have someone who has already been a part of the family to walk me through this,” he says. “She’s great for advice, and not just on work stuff. She gives me advice all the time on life. Listen to your wife. It’s always a good idea [laughs]. But with this team, I feel like I can ask any questions, and everyone was welcoming and straightforward.” Novlan and Ewell’s real-life love story sounds like it could be part of a soap, too. “It was technically kind of a setup because we both starred in this music video for an Australian band [circa 2009],” he relays. “The band is called Sick Puppies. It was one of their first hit North American releases. The name of the song was called ‘Maybe’ [which can currently be viewed on YouTube]. So, that’s how we met, on this music video at 3:30 in the morn- ing in the high desert [of California], which is where I met the woman of my dreams. We were very professional on set, but there was definitely something special about her — and I held her sunglasses for ransom. We were shooting outdoors and locations were changing and the makeup lady accidentally took our sunglasses home with her. The next day she called and said, ‘I have your sunglasses.’ I went and picked them up. I saw hers sitting there and thought, ‘I’ll give these to Kayla,’ so I snagged them and I said to her, ‘Lunch and your sunglasses?’ Luckily she took the lunch, probably just to get her sunglasses back.”

The rest was history, and the duo has worked to navigate the demands of their chosen profession. “The job sometimes involves distance and being away from one another, and there is also the time away that certain projects can require,” he points out. “It can be difficult sometimes but the trick is, we try very hard to make sure our schedules coordinate so we can be with each other. We have a two- to three-week rule where if one of us is away working for that long, you have to fly out and see the other. It’s almost like a must. And with our new baby, Poppy, we’ll definitely make sure that’s the case. But that’s the beauty of a having a great job like B&B. Luckily, I’m here. I’m local in L.A.” Novlan’s mom, a B&B super-fan, couldn’t be more thrilled about her son’s new gig. “My hometown has 500 people in it,” he explains. “I come from a very small farming community so even just coming home was a shock to her, but she’s cool. Kayla is so down-to-earth that none of that mattered. But believe me, my mother is chomping at the bit to come and visit the set of B&B as soon as COVID [passes]. That may be the real challenge, like, ‘Mom, you can’t wander onto the set. You’ve got to stay over here.’ That’s going to be a great day when it happens.”

Novlan credits his mother’s influence for getting him from Saskatchewan to Hollywood. “My mother was originally from Sacramento so I always thought it would be great to come and work in the U.S.,” he explains. “I started doing some print work in Canada so that’s how I originally came down, but I fell in love with acting as my immigration papers were being processed. I went to acting class here but I never could I have imagined having a career in film. But when I came down here and got a taste of it I was, like, ‘Wow. I’m hooked. This is it.’ ” But he admits he had no idea what he was in for. “My first job was a commercial for T.J. Maxx, back to school,” he recalls. “It was the first audition that I had ever been on and I got it and I thought, ‘Well, this is easy!’ I quickly learned there’s a lot of training that goes into it. So, I came here quite green but over the years, I’ve been able to call it a career.”

Over the next decade-plus, Novlan landed high-profile roles in MODERN FAMILY, ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO, the TV rom-com MY BEST FRIEND’S CHRISTMAS and the upcoming PUCKHEADS. 

He’s up for a ROSWELL comeback, schedule permitting. “There could be a chance that we might see Gregory again,” he notes of playing the caring brother of series regular Tyler Blackburn (Alex; ex-Ian, DAYS et al). “I know ROSWELL has been picked up for a season 3, and the character has been pretty well-received from the fans, as well, which is always amazing and such an honor. You never know. It was a great experience, but right now, everything is about B&B. Even with COVID, we’re finding a really nice groove with maintaining safety while keeping that classic B&B look. It’s been pretty smooth, I’ve got to say. How lucky am I?”

“Sinn” City

B&B fans have dubbed Steffy and Finn “Sinn”, which is just fine by Jacqueline MacInnes Wood (Steffy). “I told him this character is his own,” she says. “He’s not a recast, so I told him, ‘Make it your own and have fun with it. Even though we are eight feet away from each other in scenes, feel free to play with me. Let’s connect as much as we can in these scenes.’ He’s been great. He’s been absolutely wonderful on set and taking direction very well — and he’s a fellow Canadian so, of course, we hit it off immediately. He’s a really sweet guy and he can keep up with our pace. I think the fans will really like him.”

Just The Facts

Birthday: April 9 Hails

From: Paradise Hill, Saskatchewan, Canada

My Girls: Married to Kayla Ewell (ex-Caitlin, B&B) since September 12, 2015. They welcomed daughter Poppy Marie on July 16, 2019.

What The Puck? “I grew up playing hockey, and I like to play hockey once a week with a group of actors. We have these really intense games.”

All The Right Steff: “It’s time that Steffy meets a man with a new set of values, and a new version of what passion and love can bring. She just had her daughter and I think she’s ready. Finn seems to have her best interests in mind, and I think that’s a good thing for Steffy.”

Finn In A Nutshell: “Helping people is in his nature but he can get a little too involved, and that can also get him into trouble.”

Grandma’s Boy: “My grandmother is in Canada in a nursing home and the last FaceTime I got was from my mom asking me to help set up grandma’s DVR. They’re very excited about this, and it’s nice to know that my grandma gets to see me every day — and, she’s super-proud that I’m a doctor!”

[arcanefaye]

i didn’t blog yesterday !!!!

sorry :((

i’m at school currently but on break, Colton is trying to fit, as many as he can, cherry tamatoes in his mouth. currently on tomatoe 23, he’s violently coughing so I don’t think he’ll be able to fit any more haha

i was TIREDDDD so i couldn’t blog yesterday cause i went to sleep immediately!! but...something crazy happened yesterday. which is why Amanda isn’t at school today ;

screenshots are on my second blog ; @fayesmessages (they’re going to have all of my convos over imessage)

so here’s the story,, Amanda was going to give me a hoodie because of the snow the heater wasn’t working properly. so the school was COLDDD !!!! and she offered to give me her extra hoodie... well all of a sudden she passed out on the floor. it was so sudden i didn’t know what to do, but there was already groups of people in that specific area so they started to crowd around her. I was propping her head up cause she must have a concussion because of falling on the hard floor. A teacher saw the group and took Amanda to the nurse. She hasn’t responded to any of our messages, but it was out of nowhere :( i really hope she’s okay, i still have her hoodie,, i should’ve given it back but-

AHHHHHH OKAY! SO THE NEW GIRL HAS ARRIVED !!-/)/:829;9394&

SHES HERE

omg

OMG

She’s so pretty what.

Wow, definitely going to have all the guys over her.

AHSHAHAG^^

well, i’ll get back to you in a bit we have to get her used to the school. Margaret is shocked rn though, it’s so funny !!

——

O M G

(i say that too much haha)

the new girl is so sweet; i’m home now but WOWWWWWW

Her name is Garam, she’s from Seoul, South Korea, and she’s a Straight A student!! she wants to join our group which we’ll have to see with Miss Lindsey but AGAHAHDJWIDS

she’s so sweet, i have her number and everything.

i was thinking abt adding her to the gc but i don’t know her that well yet and i dont want to scare her off. i’ll show my recent text with her though!

she’s so funny, she honestly was fun to hang around with. she got comfortable with me immediately which was great, she’s in three classes with me so we can hang out for a majority of the day.

Mr. Grindstones class is always super fun, and we get 20 minute breaks (he’s such a cool teacher) so we can definitely get to know eahcother more then!

——

Update;

im actually getting excited for school tomorro, Garam seemed cool :))

Im really hoping Amanda’s okay... she hasn’t messaged us in a bit. She was excited about the foreign exchange student as much as i was, and i was sad she wasn’t at school to see her. idk how long she’ll be out... hopefully not too long.

other than that, tonight i had a beautiful roast with some green tea to wash it down. tasted *chefs kiss* !

Ian hasn’t been home for a bit, my grandparents were getting angry about it.. was kind of funny ’cause they called my mom and everything and she was just like, “why are you now calling me about this, he’s done this plenty of times just track his phone.”

my poor grandparents don’t know how technology works mom. :(((

——

im staying up, i normally don’t but i can’t seem to fall asleep tonight :// it’s 3:47am, Ian came home two hours ago. he‘s definitely going to be in trouble tomorrow:(( hopefully it’s not too bad, he stays out till 10 pm, but my grandparents were getting worried when he wasnt home, idk where he was but glad to see he isn’t dead in a ditch.

i was also thinking about if Garam has a Tumblr? or atleast is up for one...? idk maybe...

i want to atleast have a mutual or a following on here of someone i know. As of right now... it’s not that much. only, 2 followers.

no big deal though, i don’t need a following this is like a diary to me anyways haha

im getting tired typing this,, i have school in 4 hours so i might as well sleep... goodnight!

see ya :)

[inventors-fair]

Flavor of Plane: Entries pt. 1

My general thoughts: this contest was successful! You guys submitted a lot of really interesting cards with some great plane-specific mechanics. The best all-around aspect was the general ambition and the variety of all the cards that were submitted. Though there were some popular planes for sure, I feel that there was awesome distribution. Let’s get to some commentary!

@dabudder​ — Oaken-Wand Wielder // Rotted Wood-Wand // Aurora

The Great Aurora (the event, not the card) is hard to quantify. The feeling of this mechanic is decent, with the Aurora being some great untouchable thing. Having the event already be a card is a little bit odd, but this is about creating a different interpretation for gameplay, and that’s good ambition. Why is the emblem legendary? They aren’t permanents, so the legend rule doesn’t apply. That’s the main issue: implementation. Why does there need to be an emblem at all? Why don’t Aurora creatures just transform themselves at your upkeep? It’s functionally identical. I’m not sure how to improve this idea. The trigger might be better used for ensuring that there’s more synergy with front/back sides, like if there are multiple cards that interact with their front faces, and then flip for NEW kinds of synergy. Worth expanding upon.

@demimonde-quasigoddess​ — Winds of Skybreen // Frostbite

Using Kaldheim as inspiration is pretty great. Let’s talk about wording and trigger. “Enchant land” doesn’t need a period, you can shorten “does not” to “doesn’t,” and the last ability should be a trigger: “At the beginning of the upkeep of enchanted land’s controller, Winds of Skybreen deals 1 damage to that player for each tapped permanent they control.” I was a little confused by the hybrid border; I wouldn’t recommend doing that for submissions which should be gold/multicolor. I don’t know what to feel about this mechanic. I feel that it’s severely limiting, and I’m not sure what other cards you could use with it. A milling mechanic, some buffs for you? But a mechanic that relies on permanents not untapping would lead to slow, frustrating gameplay all around.

@fluffysheeplion​ — Amphin Hoard Hunter // Augur

So this is from what we could gather a fan-plane? It’s hard to judge this card based on a plane without resonance. Regardless, let’s talk about Augur. This is a mechanic that I would never personally use. Losing four cards to an opponent who can play them at any point during the game would lead to games where everyone is running five-color goodstuff in the hopes that their opponent somehow tries to use this mechanic and loses their cards. I don’t understand the flavor you were going for, especially with such a minute cost reduction. This is a difficult card to judge because there’s so little information we have as to why and how this is fun. 

@fractured-infinity​ — Andon, Levitone Expert // Invent

I love the idea of making Invention tokens. I absolutely don’t like how the token P/T is variable on each one. That’s a major memory issue. Energy is a complex enough mechanic as-is. There are a lot of numbers happening. I would use it to make energy or make tokens, but combining the two is a little much. For this card, too — why do you have to pay the energy? Is it flying and haste permanently? That’s another memory issue. Why not just have her give your inventions flying and haste in general? Her P/T to mana cost ratio would support it.

@gollumni​ — Reform the Flesh // Desecrate

Not much to say here. I like how the name of the mechanic ties into the flavor; it’s an inappropriate use of dead bodies, checks out. It’s narrow and I feel could be better distinguished from Delve with some specific tweaking (exiling one creature, reducing by power?). For this specific card, it needs to TARGET a creature CARD. And it’s a real feel-bad to exile creatures to return one. Not sure how I feel about that.

@grornt​ — Seaskipper Minnow // High tide

I’d never heard of Luvion, but thank you for introducing me to the concept! Welcome to sea world. Unfortunately, as flavorful as this mechanic is, it’s also invariably parasitic. If you’re playing anywhere outside of a set where tides are changing, this card becomes a 2/2 flier for 2 with zero downside. I see exactly how this mechanic works, and I can see it on the table, and I wish that it worked another way to stop the parasitism from happening. This would be amazing for a one-off draft set or some built-for-each-other precons. For standard and eternal, I don’t think that it could happen.

@hypexion​ — Angel of Compleation // Enervate

This card and mechanic are probably fine. Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with it and it fits the plane flavorfully. It’s the wording that’s bugging me, because it groks but it doesn’t cover the wording. Looking at Torgaar from Dominaria, maybe you have to word it as an additional cost? I wish that I was a judge or that we had a judge on hand to help with these things, because I know you took this off of Delve, but I feel that they’re different cases. So many “buts” here, argh. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes​ — Protector of the Masses // Might of the tiny

Huh, a dork mechanic. It checks out, but it’s super awkwardly worded. “At X/If X...if each creature you control has power and toughness less than 3, effect?” I don’t know, I wish there was a better way to word this, because it’s currently really awkward to read even though it groks. I’m not sure if there’s a way to improve it without the wording being super weird, honestly. I guess the the question to the greater public is whether or not that’s enough to justify the flavor. Personally, it’s too weird to read, but I could totally be in the minority.

@illharg-the-rave-boar​ — Mogis’ Champion // Starfall

It’s flavorful, it’s powerful, it works, and it’s easy to understand. I feel the same about Starfall that I do Megamorph. I know that it’s perfectly fine and yet I’m really lukewarm on it because it’s so similar to what’s already been done. It runs into a weird issue where you can push starfall cards a lot; after all, things leaving the battlefield happens a lot less frequently than things entering the battlefield. But there are great things to do with it. Flickering becomes awesome, sacrifice becomes more powerful, etc. I know this mechanic and this card are good. Maybe I feel I should be down because of constellation and how we’re right in the middle of Theros.

@juggernaut-is-a-metalhead — Knight of the Full Moon // Lunar

Wow, I thought this card was uncommon for a hot second. My bad. Anyway, I dig this stuff. On the one hand, the hybrid can make this card a mono-white on-curve card with deathtouch AND the possibility of a pushed combat trick. On the other hand, the Shadowmoor-ian feeling of night and day feel great. What if you had a card that could put a counter on at instant speed and then combat-trick this on an opponent’s turn? I think that the unfortunate nature of hybrid means you’ll have to adjust the abilities of some cards (like this one and deathtouch) but you’ll end up with some wicked cool abilities.

[astargatelover]

Watching The da Vinci Code for the first time - A documentation

-  About to watch The da Vinci Code for the first time. It’s about 3AM. Back of the DVD says the movie’s almost 2h30 long. Will approximately be going to bed at about 6AM. I gotta be crazy.

- Back of the DVD also says (translated from German): In the middle of the night the (…) is (…) Langdon (TOM HANKS) in the (…) director was murdered. His (?) (…) that of the Vitruvian Man (…) is the first horrible clue (…) and symbols. At the risk of his life (something something) Langdon – and from then on it’s a normal description, it’s just that that part is obscured by the library stamp. So I can confidently say I totally know what’s going on in this movie! *serious nod*

- Third highlight of the back of the DVD: Ian McKellen, grumpy-looking monk dude and a guy looking like Palpatine. And the Louvre.

- Also in the movie: Some German I don’t know (but yay!) and Paul Bettany. He’s cool; I really liked him in A Knight’s Tale.

- Let’s get this show on the road!

- …gotta update my media player. One sec!

- There we go. …where’s the always-on-top button? Ah, found it! Light’s off in my room; cinema time.

- Music’s already nice in the menu.

- Audio: English. (More nice music.) Subtitles: (Hey, they have Turkish on offer!) Off.

- (They even have subtitles for the trailers. But no extras. Am miffed. What kind of bare-bones DVD is this?!)

- 20 minutes after the first “about” up there: Play movie.

- Fancy title cards.

- Dude running. He’s gonna die; I know that much.

- Paul!

- *sigh*

- Oooooh, it’s Robert. That’s a lot of applause.

- (Btw, in case you didn’t know: I have watched Angels & Demons because I love Ernesto Olivetti a crazy amount.)

- I like Robert. Awesome presentation.

- Also like Tom Hanks. He’s great.

- Accents, y’all.

- Latin? Latin. Italian? No, definitely Latin.

- Ouch. Self-flagellation. Ooooooouch. Some religious people are crazy.

- Dude, you can barely stand. I’m a sadist and I don’t want you doing that to you.

- We’re only 10 minutes in, my goodness.

- Claustrophobia! I relate to that.

- Just let the dude take the stairs.

- Wow.

- Priests.

- Have I mentioned I’m not a big fan of catholics? Nothing personal.

- Also: Autistic Langdon, symbology special interest.

- French.

- Sophie! Heard of her.

- Strange happenings.

- Oooooooooh.

- French lady. I don’t speak French.

- *window jump scare*

- We don’t trust the police guy.

- Conspiracies!

- Fuck.

- “Once he starts, he doesn’t stop.” He’s like Javert.

- Climb out the window?

- More French.

- Oooooooh! They’re so tricking them, aren’t they? They’re not dumb.

- Bye bye!

- I’m sorry for Sophie.

- (I saw that part where her grandfather got shot years ago.)

- Here we go with the anagrams.

- Eidetic memory (pretty much) - firms up my autism headcanon.

- Can you even get that close to the Mona Lisa irl?

- Tom Hanks has a really nice nose. xD

- Langdon’s so good with anagrams.

- It’s like a scavenger hunt.

- Ooh, Musketeer symbol.

- Chase music!

- Flashback with crazy meetings.

- A smart! I get to bop someone now.

- Ooh, Les Mis.

- Backwards! That’s impressive.

- She’s so gonna make it.

- She made it!

- Bye bye, mirror.

- Paul’s looking angry.

- Someone got stabbed. I sense guilt.

- More dead people.

- Holy water.

- A nun.

- A rose line.

- Is he gonna kill her? She seems nervous.

- MORE FRENCH.

- Red light zone.

- (It’s raining outside. Kinda sets the mood.)

- You stay away from that dude, nun.

- Saving a junkie?

- (Sophie’s a really nice name, btw.)

- He rambles when he gets the chance so much. Really reminds me of special interests. (And in case anyone takes issue with that, I should know. I’m autistic. I have them.)

- My parents just watched Knightfall. Now I know some about the templars’ fall.

- Sophie didn’t know they were supposed to protect the Holy Grail? Really? Huh.

- Moooooore French.

- Please don’t die, nun.

- That’s some scar under his eye.

- Those look like some anger issues.

- It’s the grumpy-looking monk dude.

- Seriously, I understand more Latin than French.

-  “Blood is being spilled” as he’s spilling wine, that’s great.

- Freeeeeeeeeench.

- “I don’t think he liked me very much. He once made a joke at my expense.” I relate to this guy so hard on the autism level.

- It’s the German dude.

- That’s some system they’ve got at that bank.

- You call that a rose?

- I’m with Langdon here. Safe passage?

- Aww, poor guy. I’ve got claustrophobia, too, and I haven’t even got a traumatizing event behind me. (I read that somewhere.)

- I like the driver.

- A lot. Nice one with the watch.

- Langdon, you look sick. Please don’t die, y’all.

- JESUS CHRIST.

- Poor Sophie. </3 Woah.

- How tf did that truck get there?

- That bullet. Smaaart move. *thumbs up*

- Ouch.

- Bye bye again.

- Do I like the police captain? I don’t know.

- The tea convo. xD

- Is Langdon like this in the books? I hope he is.

- How old is Sophie? *googles Audrey Tatou* (Ooh, Amélie!) *checks when movie was made* ‘bout 30.

- Yaaaaaas, Ian.

- Also please don’t die.

- (Both my faves in Angels & Demons die. I’m vorbelastet and can’t find a good English word for that.)

- Jesus was cool.

- Those helmets. Feathers!

- “Not even his nephew twice removed.” xDDD

- Is that paisley? *googles* It is. Nice!

- Just in case you’re wondering, I am typing this as I watch the movie. I’m not saying I’m not missing anything, but I like multitasking.

- *googles The last Supper* Wow, no cup.

- Genital symbols.

- Wombs open towards the ground, though. People with them aren’t constantly doing handstands.

- Have I mentioned one of my favorite movies is Dogma, which postulates that Jesus had siblings? I’m liking this conversation.

- “Companion meant spouse.” My gay ass likes this.

- If that is Mary Magdalene, though, which apostle is missing? Been wondering this for years.

- Scions. I like this.

- I’m all for sex positivity.

- Your time’s kinda running out, guys.

- Almost halfway through, now.

- Do you seriously believe they’re murderers?

- Why do you wear your police thingies like a blind man’s band?

- Was overall expecting a bit more running in this movie, I guess.

- Poor Sophie. This is a lot to take in.

- Beating someone up with crutches! Yas!

- Like, ouch.

- Do you happen to have a secret passage under your house? Would come in real handy.

- Oh, Zürich! Man, accents. Barely understood that.

- Frehehench.

- In my personal experience claustrophobic people aren’t generally fans of planes. That might just be me, though.

- Still don’t know Paul’s character’s name.

- We are leaving the country.

- That haircut. On the dude with the grumpy-looking monk.

- Does Jesus having a family beside his parents somehow make him less holy? *shrug*

- FRENCH.

- Police brutality?

- “Please”? Seriously? I understood that much and you’re a dick.

- This is, like, some Order of the White Lotus stuff.

- You need a mirror? You can’t read it otherwise? Huh. Well, I guess it’s just easier.

- I really like Lee.

- How many more ways can I angrily write French? (I don’t have anything against the language per se. I just don’t understand what they’re saying and that irks me. There aren’t even subtitles for that. I feel like there are supposed to be subtitles.)

- (It is nice, however, that they’re sticking to the languages they’d actually be speaking. I wonder if it’s all German in German.)

- Yo, police. Be more subtle. You could have laid a trap.

- “You can start with him.” Hm! xD

- “I could run them over.” !! Man, this is great.

- This is like a fucking magic trick.

- You know what, I wanna watch that again.

- The DVD did not like that, so now I get to look at the “pick scene” menu. At least there’s more nice music.

- Just out of curiosity… *checks* There are 24 chapters and I’m at the 16th.

- I can understand more French when I concentrate on it, but I’ve been too annoyed about it so far.

- Never had French at school, btw. But have a bit of a talent for languages. When it comes to those I can sometimes cobble meaning together from context and existing knowledge.

- “The French cannot be trusted”, sounds so ominous.

- As a fan of Angels & Demons, I am very interested in what the Vatican has to say about all this.

- Told ya we don’t like planes.

- Naww, Sophie. Arm pat, yas.

- How do you accidentally fall into a well feet first? Hmm…

- Saved by pigeons, wow.

- Paul’s eyes are super blue.

- Is he gonna get killed?

- What an old-ass phone.

- I’m worried about that newspaper.

- How they’re keeping the identity of the teacher secret is A+, shooting-wise.

- “Your identity shall go with me to the grave.” Did he know he was gonna die?

- Nice one!

- Is the second movie this long? *checks* Not quite.

- Seriously. Unnaturally blue eyes.

- Shoot-out.

- I can kinda see where Lee’s coming from. Don’t agree with the method, but…

- Did a shoulder-shot really kill him?

- See? Nope.

- I think I do kinda like the police captain.

- Have I mentioned my attraction to side characters?

- Oh, that tiny wound on her neck. I like the attention to detail.

- And those stained glass windows! Pretty.

- His mind! Wow.

- I wanna see this scene without music and special effects, though, to see what Sophie and Lee see. Must be pretty weird. xD

- Dramatic musiiiiic.

- Police captain coming through! Yas.

- Robert’s like “What is happening?”

- Man, those poor policemen with the screaming dude in the back of the car.

- Can’t resist a challenge, can you?

- It’s hecking dark behind that doorway.

- Can they get away with getting rid of all the villains half an hour before the movie’s over?

- Now she’s all Ghost Whisperer-like.

- I like the way it sounds when she calls him Robert.

- (Doing some more googling. Ah, it’s Leigh. I see.)

- Who are these guys? Something bad’s happening.

- Flashbacks and MORE FRENCH.

- Wonder if Robert and Sophie use the formal you in German. It wouldn’t fit.

- Sophie’s world is kinda falling apart.

- (She’s like Bethany in Dogma. Don’t know if anyone here even knows Dogma, but I love it.)

- Family reunion! Who put those onions here?

- See? Robert and I agree. Why should a family make Jesus less holy?

- I really like this friendship. I hope they’ll meet again.

- Checking if she can walk on water. xD

- Hey, it’s the Eiffel tower! And it’s playing light house.

- Blood.

- What? What is it?

- Wow.

- This music is real nice.

- 7 minutes of credits.

- Again, though: The music is nice.