#wouldn't say i was taking myself out of the equation but i didn't spend a lot of time considering my place in it

[publiccmenace]

"It's Not About You"

Note: It is your prerogative to enjoy and play with the take I am criticizing. While I think it is wrong, that does not mean you are not allowed to have fun with it. I am autistic and literary analysis is my love language.

So the other day I was having a conversation with my buddy @ganymedesclock (who I'm currently dragging into turtle hell) about the popular take on the line "it's not about you" in the rottmnt movie. This post seems to summarize the fandom's interpretation pretty well. While I do think Leo would internalize it as pro-martyrdom, that is because he fundamentally misunderstands it. He takes the line "it's not about you" and makes it about him.

Here's the thing about the invasion: did Leo fuck up with the key? Absolutely. But you know who else fucked up? The people who were responsible for keeping track of the key. Warren and Hypno for stealing it. The Foot for using it. There are around five hundred or so years of successes and fuckups tied to the Krang and the key.

The invasion is not about Leo. It was not his fault. "It's not about you" certainly does mean 'pull your head out of your ass and get it into the game' but it is also a message of 'this is not personal and you should not internalize as such.'

Leo takes Raphael's sacrifice in the movie very personally. He makes his brother's sacrifice about him, out to be his fault because he feels guilty for it. Leo is not responsible for Raph's actions. He didn't make Raph do anything. Both of them made a difficult call in a tough situation and had to deal with the consequences of it. If Leo had been able to say "this isn't about me, I don't need to fix this by myself because it wasn't my mistake alone that led to this, this whole situation isn't about me and I cannot be expected to solve it by myself," well, we would have had a vastly different movie.

There's this temptation in a crisis, to say if I had been smarter, if I had been faster, if I had been somehow better, this wouldn't have happened. To somehow establish that you were in control of it, that it was about you, because if it's about you, then you can deal with it.

"If I had to guess, I think the original meaning of the line might be a metaphor for growing up. When you’re a child your thoughts & the way you perceive the world around you tends to revolve a bit around yourself & your own feelings & as you get older you tend to become more mindful of others & how your actions affect them." OP of the linked post says. This, I think, succinctly summarizes a flaw in the common fandom interpretation: we know exactly how Leo would internalize this line, but we do not seem to understand what it actually means. As you get older, you do tend to be more mindful of others and how your actions affect them, but I think that's only half of the thematic equation. You also begin to understand that the actions of others are often unaffected by you. The person who snapped at you is likely having a bad day, you did nothing personal to offend them. It's not about you.

This post here brings up another fascinating point about Leo as a character: He's a chessmaster. He works best when the situation is about him, so that he can be in control of it. Chess is about the pieces, sure, but it is more so about the person playing it. That dichotomy, of being someone who loves the spotlight but works best in the shadows, is such a fascinating aspect of Leo's character. He's somewhat of a Coyote figure, in that he's a trickster who works best when he can play his opponents' ego against them. Consider S2E1 Many Unhappy Returns, where he spends the entire time running rings around Big Mama because she keeps her attention on the performance he's putting on. She's focused on Leo, instead of the plan he is carefully constructing. Leo makes it about him, not the deal he's making, not his dad, not anything else, and it works really goddamn well.

There's a real trend of amping up Leo's self-sacrificing nature for angst, which like, glad y'all are having fun. However, I do not think it is the most interesting reading of his character. His tendency to self-sacrifice intertwines with his chessmaster traits: you cannot win without sacrificing a few pieces and knowing what you're willing and able to lose, and we all know that Leo cares a lot about winning.

His need to make everything about him is definitely a deep-seated insecurity thing, however it is also responsible for that deep-seated insecurity. If everything is about him, if everything is personal, everything is also his fault. "It's not about you" is as much a comfort as a scolding. It essentially translates to "LEO YOU ABSOLUTE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BOY STOP TYING YOUR SELF-WORTH TO YOUR OWN FLAWED PERCEPTION OF HOW OTHER PEOPLE VIEW YOU AND ALSO STOP TAKING EVERYTHING OTHER PEOPLE DO PERSONALLY MOST TIMES IT REALLY REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY VARIABLE EVER."

[bluewavesofchange]

The guardians of the Pharaoh.

I don't own Yugioh or it's characters.

Chapter 2

Almost a year has now passed since Seto and Mokuba had arrived at the orphanage and my world had changed. We became like a family and promised that we would always be together no matter what. I was no longer bullied and Markiato and his band of idiots left me alone. Things were going great and I was happy...sadly the day I had always dreaded came...the day Seto and Mokuba were taken away from me...the day they were adopted.

When news got out that the CEO of a big corporation was coming to visit the orphanage, Seto started coming up with a plan. It was odd seeing him this way...serious and almost never smiling. In the first few months that he and Mokuba were here, he seemed mostly happy, trying to keep a smile on his face for Mokuba's sake. However he started to change...it seemed that he was growing up too fast, but who could blame him. He had a little brother to take care of. Seto had once told me that the reason for him turning down so many families that wanted to adopt him was that he wouldn't leave without his brother and that he wanted to make sure that whoever adopted them was well off and would never suffer financially. So when word got out that Gozaburo Kaiba was coming to the orphanage, Seto started to finalise his plan. Since Gozaburo was not only well known for his title in the business industry, he was also well known for his skills in the game of chess, (not that anyone could match the skills of my...I mean...nevermind).

So the plan was that when Mr. Kaiba arrived, Seto would challenge him to a game of chess, in exchange if Seto won, then Gozaburo would have no choice but to adopt him and Mokuba, both of them becoming the children of one of the most powerful business tycoons in the country. Seto seemed so perfectly certain that his plan would work...however there was one thing he left out of the equation...he left out...me...

It was the day before Mr. Kaiba would be arrive and I would have to say goodbye to the only friends I ever had. I was sitting by myself on the swing set, a growing pain spreading in my heart. I held in my emotions as best I can, I didn't want to upset the two boys, especially when there was a chance that they could have a better life. But it still hurt...my only family was possibly going to leave and I would be where I was in the beginning...alone...but that wasn't the only reason why I was upset today. You see today was my birthday, I was turning 10 and you know what they say about orphans who are 10 or older...there's no chance of them being adopted. And not to mention, my birthday was a reminder that I was unwanted and would always be alone...Seto was a year younger than me and Mokuba was about 5 years old...

I was staring down at the ground when Seto came over and sat on the swing next to mine. It was obvious he had seen that I was looking rather down today. Not making any eye contact with him, I just wanted to be left alone...

"Well, Mokuba seems rather excited about tomorrow. I mean...both of us would have a chance to have a good life and we would never have to suffer again..."

I could feel him smiling as he spoke. His words cut me very deep with the mention of them leaving. I bit my lip, holding back the tears...

"That's great. I-I'm happy for you two..." I mumble trying not to show any signs of sadness. However, Seto knew me too well. He could easily pick up when I was upset and when I was happy. He could read me like a book. He turned towards me, the smile fading from his face,

"Hey, are you ok? You seem a little down."

I could hear the hint of concern in his voice as he spoke. I didn't answer; I didn't want to talk to him right now...like I said...I wanted to be alone. I could sense him processing what could be wrong, spending so much time with him and Mokuba had given us the ability to pick up when any of us were deep in thought and what they were feeling, we knew each other too well to have any secrets between us...and it was at that moment when I knew he figured it out, or I thought he did. His expression changed to that of someone who had forgotten something important...

..."Oh that's right, it's your birthday."

He smiled softly as he took my hand in his, "Is that why you're upset? You thought I forgot something as important as your birthday?"

He got up out of the swing and kneeled down in front of me, still holding my hand, trying to look at my face. I still tried hard to stay emotionless, but it was getting difficult with each passing second that he was near me. At the moment I hated him, I hated him for the way how he could make me open up, I hated him for the fact that he gave me happiness, I hated him for the way he made me feel and most of all, I hated him for wanting to leave me behind and steal away my happiness. I finally broke as a tear run down my cheek; this didn't go unnoticed by him.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked concerned. I jerked my hand away and got up, "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled as I ran to my room, slamming the door behind me. I sat in the cold, dusty corner in the room and I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face in my arms and cried. I cried and cried, not caring who heard me. I poured out my heart through my tears, I was broken and it was his fault. He gave me hope that I could be happy, that I would never have to be alone again; he gave me the feeling of what a family was. It was his entire fault; it was his fault for making me hurt so much. He broke my heart, he broke me. I hated him! I hated Seto and I would never forgive him for abandoning me just like my parents did...

I didn't hear the door opening as the sounds of my shattered cries deafened the sounds around me. I only saw the shadow of someone entering the room and it wasn't hard to tell who it was.

"G-go a-away S-Seto. I-I wanna b-be alone..." I stuttered in between my sobs.

I didn't notice the box he was carrying with him. Without saying anything he sat beside me, setting the box down and wrapped his arms around me, embracing me in a warm hug. As much as I hated him right now, he always knew just how to make me feel better. He rubbed my back in little circles, trying to soothe my pain. I didn't stop crying, I couldn't stop myself from letting out the past 10 years of pain I went through. I let out all the anger, all the hurt, and all the sadness, everything I held back for all those years. I wanted it all to just go away...I wanted to be alone...because that is where I would be by night fall tomorrow...and every other night there after...

..."You're upset because Mokuba and I are leaving tomorrow...am I right?"...

I looked up at him to see his eyes closed as he faced downwards. I didn't expect him to say anything. His eyes slowly opened and he turned his gaze towards me and I was met with those same sweet blue eyes I had seen the day he arrived at this place. Those beautiful blue eyes that held so much, but what I saw in those orbs now was sorrow...

"I know you think we are...well I'm abandoning you, but I'm keeping you safe. I know you think that me and Mokuba are leaving you behind but the thing is, I don't know what this guy is like and I can't take the risk of this guy being a creep and risk you getting hurt or worse..." he looked away sighing softly, "I care about you too much to risk your safety. Before we met, it was just me and Mokuba and it was easy to just have to take care of him. But to watch out for two people who are very close to my heart and-"

..."Seto stop..." I interrupted him. He looked back at me confused while I looked away,

"I get it. Your little brother comes first. And I don't want to be the one to hold you back from a good life." I turned back to him and smiled and wrapped my arms around him, "I was being selfish. And I'm sorry for getting upset with you." I pulled back and gazed up at him, the tears running down my cheeks were those of joy, "I should have never doubted you Seto. I was just scared of losing my two best friends..." he reached out to wipe away my tears as I spoke.

It still hurt, but I guessed it would still be inevitable. They would eventually have to leave and I would be left behind...but it would be alright. I would be ok…somehow. Seto had taught me something about myself that I never knew...that I was strong and I knew how to survive on my own...and that made me smile at him, and he returned a smile.

He reached over for the box that he had brought, "When I went looking for Mokuba's toy aeroplane after the caretakers took it from him, I found this on one of the shelves in the closet where they keep the confiscated things..." he said as he handed the box to me.

I examined the box and noticed that my name was written on it. I was rather confused as I had never seen this box before. I slowly opened the box and took a look inside...

...My eyes widened, the things inside...a purse...silver female watch...a purple scarf and a necklace that held a beautiful blue jewel.

I picked up the purse and opened it; pulling out the only thing that was inside it, an old photo of a man and a woman, the necklace in the box hanging around the woman’s neck in the picture...could these have been my parents? It could be possible that the things in the box belonged to my mother...the things could have been left behind when my father ran off. Seto reached into the box, pulling out the necklace, "I believe this was your mothers...I thought that it wasn't fair that the caretakers kept this away from you for all these years. So..." he reached out and hung the necklace around my neck, "...I got this back for you. I guess it can be some sort of a birthday gift." He said chuckling. I dropped the box and wrapped my arms around him again, hugging him tightly as I cried again, "Thank you. Thank you so much Seto."

He just smiled as he hugged back, "You're welcome Lillian. And remember, whatever happens tomorrow...we'll always be together...in here," he said placing his hand on my heart, and I placed my hand over his as I smiled, knowing everything was gonna be ok...

The next day I stood by the gates of the orphanage and watched as the two people I had come to love and see as my family drive away in a long fancy limo. The breeze picked up as a tear ran down my cheek. I stood there for hours after they left and well into the night after the sun had gone down, hoping that one day we would see each other again.

It's been a week since Seto and Mokuba were adopted and left the orphanage. And I was alone again. And that was ok. A letter had arrived yesterday with a number on it and a note saying that if I ever wanted to contact Seto and Mokuba, I could call that number. Unfortunately we weren't allowed to use the telephones. So it was of no use to try...

But something unexpected happened that day as I sat on the lonely bench once again...

The gates at the front of the orphanage opened and in walked a family...a mom, a dad and a little boy who seemed to be about 8 years old. The parents went into the main building to get the papers ready for the child they were going to adopted, while the little boy headed to the playground where all the kids were. And after taking one look at this kid...I mean I've seen a lot of odd looking people in my short life, but this one takes the cake. He had black hair with the tips tinted a red colour, the bangs that framed his sweet little face was bright blonde and not to mention the fact that his hair had been spiked up in different directions, almost forming a star shape. And also...I could have sworn he was wearing black eye liner, and I mean, who allows their kid to do that? And get this, his clothes, he wore a tight, black, long sleeve shirt with a dark grey sleeveless jacket over it, and he was wearing black jeans and black and white trainers. But what shocked me the most were his eyes...they were a vibrant purple colour, something I had never seen before. But they matched his innocent child like face perfectly and he was well...really short and small.

He wondered around the playground smiling at each of the other kids but in return they glared at him like he was some kind of a freak. Who would blame them considering how this boy looked. His smile faded as he seemed to become scared at the stares he was getting and honestly, I felt a little sorry for him. And also guilty for being so judgemental about him just because of how he looked. He soon caught sight of me and wondered over, sitting next to me as his smile returned.

"You seem a little lonely, mind if I give you a little company?" he asked sweetly. I turned to face him, about to tell him that I wanted to be left alone, when I found myself staring at the cutest face I had ever seen. It glowed of joy and innocence. How could I be mean to anyone that looked at me with those puppy like eyes? Before I could answer, Markiato and his gang arrived, ignoring me and grabbing the spiky haired kid by his shirt collar and lifting him into the air.

"Well, well, well...what do we have here? A little weirdo who wants to play with the loner." he laughed as the others snickered. The scared boy squirmed, trying to get out the older boys grip, "Pl-please sir, I-I don't want any trouble." The little boy said obviously scared. "Well guess what, I am trouble you freak!" Markiato bellowed as he raised his fist and punched the small boy in the face and throwing him onto the ground, proceeding to kick him in the stomach. The boy cringed and cried out in pain, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he curled up into fettle position. I caught a glimpse at his face and saw the tears forming in his eyes and so did Markiato, "Look fellas, we have a little cry baby on our hands." and they all started laughing. My blood started to boil as I stood up, clenching my fists. How could he be so cruel to someone so small and seemly innocent? I marched over to Markiato, "Leave him alone you jackass!" I shouted at him, he slowly turned to me, glaring at me. "Did you just call me a jackass loser?" he said through his teeth. "Yes I did. Why don't you leave us alone? Why do you always have to pick on the kids smaller than you, you fat freak?" I spoke out loudly, causing all the kids on the playground to go slightly and look at us. The little boy lying on the ground as managed to sit up slightly and look at me. I could see Markiato getting mad as he shoved me, "Better watch your mouth. Remember, you don't have your little boyfriend to protect you anymore. So once again...you are all al-OOOOO!!" he cried out as I kicked him hard between the legs, right where it hurts. Cupping his crotch he fell to his knees, wincing and wheezing in pain as he looked up at me, "Y-you're g-gonna pay for that you little-" I grabbed his head and slammed my knee into his face, a soft cracking noise could be heard as his nose broke. He pulled back, cupping his face as the blood run from his nose over his lips, “You little bitch!" He exclaimed, I saw his eyes begin to water, giving him a final kick in the chest, causing him to fall to the ground. All the kids on the playground jumped up and cheered for me as if I was a hero.

I leaned over him and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt lifting him up, "Consider this a warning Markiato, if you ever mess with me or any other kid again...well let’s just say I won't hold back." And with that said, I slammed him back onto the ground. Standing up, I glared at the other boys surrounding the weird looking kid, their expressions were terrified as they stared at me, causing me to grin, "So…Who’s next?" after saying that, they all ran off like wimps. The rest of the kids who had been watching started cheering at the defeat of the playgrounds biggest enemy.

Smiling to myself, I walked over to the little boy and helped him up, dusting off his clothes, "Are you ok?" I asked, gently running my soft hand over the bruise forming on his cheek from being hit by Markiato. He just nodded as he looked up at me, not fearfully but...thankfully. I took his hand in mine and started walking to the main building with him, "Come, I'll take you to your parents."

Once we were inside the office, the little boy ran to his mother, leaving me standing in the door way. His parents seemed rather well...normal. his mom had soft brown hair with a round face and hazel eyes while his father had raven hair, a soft face with a bit of stubble covering his chin and a firm build. That left me to wonder where the kid got his hairstyle from.

The woman knelt down, looking worried as she saw the bruise on her sons face, "Who...who did this to you?" she said before she looked in my direction, "Did she hurt you?" she frowned at me. I actually felt a little insulted, "You stay away from my boy you menace." Ok that hurt. I was about to leave when the boy spoke, "No mamma, she saved me from the boy who hit me." the boy said as he ran over to me and hugged my waist (he was really short.) "She's my hero." he gazed up at me again with those puppy like eyes. The woman stood up as she and her husband looked at him, I suddenly felt really shy. The man walked towards us and knelt down in front of me, "What's your name sweetheart?" he spoke softly as his wife stood behind him. "Um...Lillian. My names Lillian sir." I answered looking at him. The man looked back at his wife and they both smiled at each other as if they both knew what the other was thinking.

The wife headed back to the counter to get the papers as the man looked back at me, "Well Lillian...it seems our son has taken a liking in you," he reached out, raffling the boys hair, making him giggle, "And I want to thank you for saving him. We've been having a lot of problems with him getting bullied at school and him having no friends..." the man spoke, looking down at the boy, he sounded a lot like me, "So maybe...you could come home with us and be his sister...and keep him safe from the bullies at school?" My eyes widened at his words...they wanted to adopt me? "Please will you come home and be my big sister?" the little boy asked with a big smile on his face. I smiled as I looked at the man and then to the boy, "I...I'd be honoured to." I answered, the man nodded and headed over to his wife to sign the papers. "Hey um...I don't know your name yet..." I said as I hugged my soon to be brother, "Oh my name is Yugi, Yugi Muto." he said with a smile...

The day had finally come...my miracle had come...I had finally found a family...I had found my hope...

[serverroommemoirs]

Chronicles of a Chronically Online Soul

'Chronically online'—a phrase that I, reluctantly, can describe myself. I have been exposing myself to the world of the Internet since I became computer-literate in my early childhood, and I possess as many social media accounts as there are days in a month. Though, as I grew fascinated with information security in high school, I have since long been trying to clean up the mess I made during my younger years. But that doesn't equate I stopped spending so much time online; let's say I just toned down how much I am visible on the surface of the Internet— or so I thought I did.

I am a homebody, and I think I wouldn't be one if I didn't prefer buying my stuff online to getting it from physical stores. My most recent online transaction was when I bought a second-hand electronic commodity that someone posted in a forum. As proof of their credibility, the product seller, the previous owner of the item I bought, sent me a picture of their government-issued identification card, and some other personal details. At the time, I really was just reassured that I was not about to get scammed, and sure enough, I wasn't. But what if it doesn't end there?

In the first lesson of my Data Privacy and Security class, discussions have been made pertaining to unauthorized disclosure of sensitive information that may potentially compromise security. To say that my entire online life flashed before my eyes would be an understatement. I, then, was reminded of the recent purchase I mentioned in the previous paragraph. The class exchanges made me look into a different perspective. I started to question the necessity and potential risks associated with the seller sharing such sensitive information. While it served its purpose in that particular transaction, sharing government-issued identification and personal details with strangers online could pose privacy and security risks. Although I am very certain that I wouldn't break their trust and disclose the information they entrusted to me, the seller may not have considered the long-term implications of sharing such valuable information or the possibility of it being misused. Who's to say I can't get hacked and that information makes its way out of my inbox?

A question was addressed to us by our instructor, "Are you for sale?" Thinking about all the measures I did to carefully curate my social media persona, and how most of the information I gave out weren't irrevocable. The reality of my personal data being bought and sold remains unchanged. Despite my attempts to mitigate the impact of my earlier online activities, the data trail I've left behind continues to exist and may still be accessible to third parties without my knowledge or consent.

Now that I have become more aware of this persistent concept that is my digital footprint and the potential commodification of my personal data, I am motivated to further reassess my online habits and take proactive steps to protect my privacy and security as a chronically online individual. I will continuously educate myself on data privacy practices to navigate the cyber landscape more safely, as this just starts here.

[landboundstar]

Trade Secrets Part 14

Characters enjoying the end of summer.

Part 14

"That's a lovely sound," Leslie told me as she reached to refill her glass of lemonade.

I looked away from the pool where shrieking, laughing, and splashing were coming from a lively game of Marco Polo. 

"I happen to agree," I told her, and gestured to the table beside me, inviting her to have a seat.

"It's sad, really. I spend most of my days around children, but I rarely get a chance to hear them laugh this way. Sick and hurt children don't laugh very much."

"I'm afraid I have not been hearing much laughter either recently. Especially not at home."

"Ah, yes. I've been hearing about Zatanna and Selina being unhappy about their new school situations."

"I don't suppose I would have been taking it any more gracefully if I was them." I told her.

"I certainly wouldn't." She laughed, remembering. "For as many years as I made myself go to school, I would have rather been riding my bike outside than solving equations or learning about whatever dates were important for the history lesson for half of them."

"I'm not sure how studious I ever was, but I have always enjoyed reading." A smile tugged at the corner of my lips, and a memory of lines written on a chalkboard and class recitations when I had been Zatanna's age flickered across my mind.

"Arma virumque cano."

"I sing of arms and men." Leslie translated absently, and I clinked my glass against hers.

The smell of baking bread and chocolate wafted out of the kitchen.

"Dinner is ready," Alfred said. "Why don't I bring it out here and we can all eat? If you can get the children out of the pool."

The promise of food was enough to get the children to come out of the pool and dry off.

"I can't believe you said that!" Zatanna giggled as she twisted her hair in her hands to get the water out.

Selina shrugged a sundress over her head. "If they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked."

Rachel flipped her towel over her shoulder. "Come on, I'm hungry."

All five of them raced over to the table.

For a few minutes, we just passed plates of pizza and refilled glasses of lemonade as everyone ate. It wasn't until we started passing around the plates of cupcakes that conversation really picked up again.

"Here."

Bruce set another cupcake on Harvey's plate before taking a cupcake for himself.

"When are you going to learn how to make them then?" Selina teased, and Bruce blushed.

"Bruce is only allowed to chop vegetables and wash dishes in the kitchen." Rachel said. "Dad says he isn't allowed to cook until he can manage to not get distracted and set anything else on fire."

"It was only twice." Bruce muttered.

"And it doesn't need to be more than twice." Alfred told him. "But I don't need help with dishes today."

"Come on," Harvey grabbed Bruce's hand and soon they had run off, Selina, Zatanna, and Rachel running off to join them.

Laughter drifted over, and I had to agree with Leslie.

It was a lovely sound.

[iwlnbgefawi-tismln-timvos]

Maaaaajor TW my guys (Mention of SH, Su*cid*l thoughts, abuse [????], transphobia, and possibly a few others)

There is something actually fucking wrong with me.

I found this TMNT AU, and I've been following it for a while, yadda yadda ya, but in this AU Splinter treats the turtles... horribly, and it's far worse than anything I've ever experienced, and the turtles all deal with their fair deal of shit on their own as well, and I, for some ungodly reason, find myself... wishing I had those things happen to me.

To have suffered the way they did so that I actually felt like my pain mattered, and was real, and that I'm not just blowing things way out of proportion. I know I say all the time that quantity of pain does not equate to validity of trauma, but there's a difference between saying it and believing it.

I never have nightmares of the shit I went through. My mental health wasn't so greatly impaired that I'm a completely different person, I didn't only have my dad growing up, so I had the warmth of my mother to get me through. I have loving siblings, and wonderful friends.

What the fuck gives me the right to be the way that I am. What gives me the right to self harm? To constantly think of ending it? In what fucked up world am I allowed to be thinking these things when all I went through was what...

My bio dad leaving before I could even remember him? A few friends ghosting me when I was 8? My parents yelling at each other and at me occasionally, with that getting less severe by the day? Locked in a room a couple times?

What actually gives me the right.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 8, sure, but that's because every little thing feels like the end of the goddamn world when you're a child, those feelings just kinda carried over into present time ig.

I guess the one thing that really sticks out is my parents being rampantly transphobic. The constant threats of being taken out of school, of being sent away to an all girls boarding school, of being forced to throw away all my pants and only ever wear dresses and skirts, never talking to my friends again, never having any devices again, losing my freedom.

But that's kinda it. I should be perfectly happy! I should be fine! Other's have had it MUCH worse than I have! I still have loving parents who try to spend time with me, and who more or less apologize after yelling. Who take me out for ice cream, and remember my birthday, get me nice things for Christmas. Other than a rough time when I was really little, we're relatively well off.

I'm white. We live in a nice big house. There's never been anything physical aside from like.. idk, dragged by the arm? Hit on the back of the head? Idk if that even counts lmao.

Why am I like this.

I have a fine life! I have books, I have art, there's a lot of stuff I can do on the regular that others can't do in their entire lifetime.

So why.

Why do I fucking..

Why do I wish it was worse. I should be happy! Why am I not happy???

Why do I wish that something irreversibly traumatizing would happen to me.

Attention???? I wouldn't fucking put it below myself.

Fuck.

Whatever.

[kyrodo]

Sentience implies self-awareness. Not everyone is sentient. For some people whenever anyone gets upset they omit themselves completely from the equation, by instinct. I don't deal with those kinds of people these days. They happen to be a unique occurrence. Some people like me are quick to jump on their own mistakes and address them, other people either take their sweet ass time or find some way to redirect it. There are huge advantages to admitting and fixing your own mistakes, you walk out a fucking hero. It has always been my nature, all you did was give me a reason to reinforce it.

I used to think the things I did were unsalvageable, but unlike you, I've never mistakes that I can't fix. Any time I feel bad about myself all I have to do is look back on you and say, at least I'm not you. You saw me at my most self destructive and all the irreversible shit is yours. The worst version of myself chasing dreams and fantasies and experiences lost was better than you. You did all that to me and what you saw was my bottom line. There's no need for me to normalize the shit I do cause I've never done anything as bad as you.

All those times you set me up to fail, and now I succeed at everything I ever try. I clung like a fucking moron but there's so much power in me I never fucking needed you. The wrong time for a connection and the wrong place. If I found vrchat first you wouldn't have even been a passing thought. If I had found vrchat first I would have thrived instead of failed. I would have had a much easier time finding the kind of company that I needed. Whether it's someone to obsess over, spend time with, or offer me a shoulder to cry on I would have found it. I would have found everything that you never gave me. People would hear Red in the background, and I would be more real to people than I seemed to be to you.

And people would have spent more time understanding my situation than pretending to. It's so much easier to find people that will embrace you in vrchat, you can't find that on fucking Twitter. You're only good when you're the only option. You're only good when I have nowhere else to go. When you're the only one listening to what I say.

I almost appreciated you finding right away that I undeleted an account like my fur affinity instead of leaving it to die, if only we didn't get along like oil and water. If only we knew how to interact without throwing weird hand signs at each other across the fucking internet. Then maybe we could have gotten somewhere, but clearly that's not what you wanted from me.

My relationship with Red didn't stop me and Choskey from becoming friends or eventually boyfriends. Concerns can be addressed but only by people that are fucking willing to try. You and I didn't even have to get together at all, we just needed to pick a fucking course. I don't know if you kept a record or not but I was prepared to let my feelings die when I approached you. My hands are tied, I'm a dead end, etc. I thought I had everything figured out, I still wanted to express what I freshly felt here and there but I was planning to stop, but you made it extremely difficult to coexist in any form

[landboundstar-writing]

Trade Secrets Part 14

Reblog please. And tip if you can and you like

Continuing reposts of ongoing WIP from main blog and AO3.

"That's a lovely sound," Leslie told me as she reached to refill her glass of lemonade.

I looked away from the pool where shrieking, laughing, and splashing were coming from a lively game of Marco Polo. 

"I happen to agree," I told her, and gestured to the table beside me, inviting her to have a seat.

"It's sad, really. I spend most of my days around children, but I rarely get a chance to hear them laugh this way. Sick and hurt children don't laugh very much."

"I'm afraid I have not been hearing much laughter either recently. Especially not at home."

"Ah, yes. I've been hearing about Zatanna and Selina being unhappy about their new school situations."

"I don't suppose I would have been taking it any more gracefully if I was them." I told her.

"I certainly wouldn't." She laughed, remembering. "For as many years as I made myself go to school, I would have rather been riding my bike outside than solving equations or learning about whatever dates were important for the history lesson for half of them."

"I'm not sure how studious I ever was, but I have always enjoyed reading." A smile tugged at the corner of my lips, and a memory of lines written on a chalkboard and class recitations when I had been Zatanna's age flickered across my mind.

"Arma virumque cano."

"I sing of arms and men." Leslie translated absently, and I clinked my glass against hers.

The smell of baking bread and chocolate wafted out of the kitchen.

"Dinner is ready," Alfred said. "Why don't I bring it out here and we can all eat? If you can get the children out of the pool."

The promise of food was enough to get the children to come out of the pool and dry off.

"I can't believe you said that!" Zatanna giggled as she twisted her hair in her hands to get the water out.

Selina shrugged a sundress over her head. "If they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked."

Rachel flipped her towel over her shoulder. "Come on, I'm hungry."

All five of them raced over to the table.

For a few minutes, we just passed plates of pizza and refilled glasses of lemonade as everyone ate. It wasn't until we started passing around the plates of cupcakes that conversation really picked up again.

"Here."

Bruce set another cupcake on Harvey's plate before taking a cupcake for himself.

"When are you going to learn how to make them then?" Selina teased, and Bruce blushed.

"Bruce is only allowed to chop vegetables and wash dishes in the kitchen." Rachel said. "Dad says he isn't allowed to cook until he can manage to not get distracted and set anything else on fire."

"It was only twice." Bruce muttered.

"And it doesn't need to be more than twice." Alfred told him. "But I don't need help with dishes today."

"Come on," Harvey grabbed Bruce's hand and soon they had run off, Selina, Zatanna, and Rachel running off to join them.

Laughter drifted over, and I had to agree with Leslie.

It was a lovely sound.

[cantfightmoonlight]

“You and I both," She hummed softly under her breath as she slide into the seat beside her sister. "That sucks. If only there was a charm for that or, you know, you could always call the Sheriff on them for trespassing, but that wouldn't exactly help your image as the Supreme now, would it?" She attempted to joke, though it fell flat. Though at the mention of Briar, Jas' eyes widened. "Wait, what? Why was Briar yelling at you? Because of what happened with Ro-" She started to say only for Poppy to fill in the pieces and for her heart to immediately drop. Of course. "Of course, she did."

Why wouldn't she? One sister regretted the fact that she had brought her back and now the other one felt like Jas received special treatment. She wasn't even surprised anymore. It was as if anything for her could ever be easy anyway. It was why she had shown up here to begin with- to check on Poppy and to talk about something she did over a half a year ago that now people felt like she deserved to be punished for. "Poppy, I'm tired and I know you are too. You're not sleeping. I've barely been eating. Nico's a mess. Our dad is coming back and, when he does... We have so much on our plates already and, I know it's shitty to say, but I can't deal with the fact that you and him are having your leadership put into question because of me too. You're an amazing Supreme, Poppy. It's why I brought you back on top of being one hell of a sister. But, now with Briar on top of everyone else, I just- I'm going to take myself out of the equation. I just, um, I need to step away for a little while, okay? Not only for your guys sake, but for mine too." With Silas and now one of their lives on the line because of Rohan's spell, Jas didn't know how long she had left and, as selfish as it was, she didn't want to spend however long being overwhelmed by a room full of thoughts feeling like she got off easy. "And while I get that you're the big sister, you're not the only big sister here. I grew up as a big sister myself for Noel and Tommy. So, I get it, I do. But, it's why I'm not asking you to punish me, Poppy. I'm choosing to take a step back and, am hoping that when things blow over, there will still be a place for me here. But, I do think that wearing those magic cuffs for a week before I dip out would make that more possible? It's your call. I trust you. But, people are really mad about Rohan and, even if our situations are different, I still performed the spells that took two lives in town. Both your mom's and Julian's. I don't want to have to carry the guilt of it anymore, so if you don't want to protect me, then can you help me?"

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I can accept sigh in disappointment, I’m use to that.” She teased back playfully. “It does help with most things.” Reaching in and pulling out another donut as she put it on her napkin and took a bite. Chewing it quickly so Jasmine didn’t have to wait for her to reply, she shrugged. “You do realize people in the coven have teleportation, right? One of those people is our sister.” She pointed out. There was never a moment when she didn’t expect at least someone to burst into her apartment unprompted, maybe that’s cause she was use to living with Briar for all those years. “Also our sister.” She replied with a sigh. “I had to kick her out it got so bad.” Putting the donut down on the island and she sighed heavily. “You’re not wrong, in fact our own sister was here giving me shit about you earlier and the fact it’s okay you brought me back, but how is it not okay Rohan did the same sorta thing.” Shaking her head with annoyance, they weren’t even close to the same thing considering Jasmine had actually enlisted the covens opinion, while Rohan put everyone’s life on the line. “Wait— take a step back? Why? Jasmine no.” Shaking her head no and the last thing she wanted was for Jasmine to leave. Even punishing her had been off the table until the talks she’d had earlier, she still wasn’t keen to it. Especially since how does one punish someone who brought you back. “You don’t need to protect me, Jas. Plus it’s my job to protect you as your older sister and coven leader.” Poppy explained. “I don’t want to punish you, Jas. In fact that’s the opposite of what I want to do.” Poppy said as she leaned bak against the counter for support, everything even the air around her felt heavy. “You shouldn’t be punished. Not when the whole coven signed off on this.”

[icharchivist]

Maybe the Bookman aren't human....? Okay but I could seriously see that twist coming where at least some bookman are human and some only look it. We still don't know what's up with that eye of Lavi. It's probably got nothing to do w/Innocence or Dark matter so what is it? Magic? Something that reveals his nature as something else? Since Lavi and Bookman Sr are the only bookman we've witnessed we don't know if being 'above' humanity in a way Lavi refers to is common. I do remember in Lavi's

2 flashback in the Ark where he tells Bookman all humans are stupid (obviously not including himself or Bookman). Bookman just gives him this silent unreadable look at that comment before moving the topic along. Bookman didn't discourage Lavi's initial disdain of humanity. But he never seems to share it or encourage it (if anything Bookman seems to have more pity and understanding). All we know is Lavi got picked because of his eye and he wanted to know about the world. Which leads ne to -

3 to believe Lavi lived a much more sheltered place away from much of the world. Shoot for all we know Lavi may have originally been at the Campbell mansion. Not saying he's a Campbell or was born there. But similar to Neah and Mana he could have been dropped there and taken care of until Bookman arrived. That family certainly seems involved in all sorts of weirdness and anomalies. Could even be the place Lavi reunites w/Allen if he's escaped the Noah (Allen is going there to meet Bookman).

Tbh I don’t think the Bookmen being non-human is... that good of an idea? If it goes in that direction, why not, but i think it was important for Lavi’s storyline that he is human, that just, he rejected his humanity, trying to set himself above it by arrogance. 

I mean there’s a clear parallel to have (surprisingly) with how the Noah call themselves humans while they’re also above humanity in many ways. The Noah oppose humanity, but part of them still relate to it in some extend. Lavi is... Disconnected from humanity. He believes himself above it because it’s the easiest way to cope with the fact he’s supposed to lack feelings and the attrocities he sees on a daily basis. He refuses to even pretend to relate. And the climax of the Road’s fight is to realize that he was never above them in any way, that the rejection of his humanity lead him nowhere. 

Lavi even says “I was convinced that as a Bookman I belonged to another species - what bullshit” which seems more to imply to me that this was misguided. 

Meanwhile Bookman himself letting him say this sort of things just kinda help encouraging Lavi to shut down his emotions. That’s the thing too, Lavi sees humanity as a whole and link it to emotions, and as long as he rejects his emotions he can put a safety distance between him and those attoricities. 

I think him being non-human would kinda lessen it? 

the thing is that as far as we can tell, at least for the others three, is that they’re all humans who became the vessells of something bigger. There’s even some sadness to be had to see that those little humans became the weapons of beings that are far bigger than them: part of a script that had been going on for millenium. And so far Allen remains human, as far as we know. And that’s the conflict that’s interesting, if humanity is neutral in this holy war, if it’s what’s between innocence and dark matter: then it’s where humanity becomes its own sort of importance, that’s what shows why clinging to one’s humanity is important. That’s why Allen is chosing a third path, that’s why Johnny became this important: because Allen is offered the path of the innocence or the path of the Noah, and he decided that neither were good enough for humanity’s sake, which is what he protects.

And that’s where the parallel with Lavi is worth bringing up. Because while Allen decides to walk neither path for humanity’s sake, Lavi is more ina  way of walking neither path by distain for humanity. And that’s eventually what he has to learn about, to overcome, why he’s getting heated up for the side that so far had helped humanity. 

So yeah no i’m still on the side of Laavi being human, although I do think his eye is hiding something: whenever it’s innocence related, dark matter related, or magic all together like Cross for exemple who has some.. weird magical stuff.I mean it’s no secret how I feel about Lavi maybe having the Heart of innocence, and I personally would think it would be a neat parallelism to Allen’s dark matter eye if Lavi’s had the innocence - but also, there’s holes in this theory, and still as a foil to Allen, it being linked to Dark Matter would be interesting. Albeit the only reason to think so is really more which plots Lavi had been linked to so, it’s a bit of a stretch.

For magic, if it was, it would probably have to include Cross in the equation for me to completely considering it, since Bookman knows too much about Cross’s magical stuff - and while i’m not found of Cross being the Past Apprentice theory (if only because it seems like what happened to the Past Apprentice is more tragic than just leaving the clan, especially when it’s framed when torturing Lavi saying “you wouldn’t want to lose another apprentice”) I think Cross must be linked to the Bookmen to some extend, from the shared knowledge to the access to the Campbell Mansion that we now know has the Bookmen there. 

And in which case magic is a fair guess, it’s just that that maic is still so obscure i hesitate to really theorize about it. But I would believe that it plays a part.

As for Lavi, I do think he had been sheltered. He became Bookman’s apprentice when he was 6 after all. The notes about where he and Bookman comes from say “Confidencial, but from the same place” so that links Lavi to the clan pretty much, but there must have been something to catch his eye (lol) when he was 6. Now obviously we’re in a fantasy world with fantasy rules and all, but generally people’s mind aren’t exactly formed before 7yo. So anything Lavi might have lived before becoming a Bookman may not have had him form an opinion on the world the way his travels since he was 6 started to do it. So even without being sheltered, i can see how he wouldn’t have questioned how humanity worked before he became a Bookman. 

But yeah I do think he was sheltered, and while i disagree on him not being human, i agree about everything else on your ask tbh. 

And yeah, the Campbells are definitly linked to that mess someway or another. And It’s fair to think they’re linked to the Bookmen and that therefore so is Lavi. Perhaps the confidenciality also enters in account because of that.

So i don’t know... things are tricky. 

I personally love Lavi’s reflection on humanity, and I actually think they’re kinda realistic for someone in his situation. So yeah... yaknow. 

But if he does happen to not be human, well, looking forward what Hoshino has in stock for us, I’m always willing to be proved wrong.

Take care ;O

[strangeswift]

So I was doing some thinking (bad idea I know)

I tried to put myself into a GA heteronormative mindset. If I believed Mike was straight (first watch through of s1-3 I did tbh) would I still dislike Mi/even? More importantly, would I still be of the opinion that their relationship is beyond repair and they would both be better off broken up?

Now I'm not claiming to be unbiased here, but I really tried to take Mike's queerness and Byler completely out of the equation. And the conclusion I came to is that I still wouldn't like Mi/even, and I still would think they'd be better off broken up.

Obviously. But let's break down all the reasons why.

Reasons I wouldn't personally ship Mi/even:

In season three, it feels like it is moving way too fast, both for their ages and for the fact that El is developmentally stunted from growing up in the lab. Seasons one and two felt like a puppy love first crush, and nothing about their relationship in those seasons felt uncomfortable to me. But in season three, between the frequent kissing and the indirect love confessions from Mike, it all felt too fast in a way that did make me slightly uncomfortable.

The juxtaposition of Mi/even with Lumax. We see Lucas and Max, who are the same age, having a much more realistic and comfortable relationship. This makes the codependency and general uncomfortableness of Mike and El more noticeable.

The fact that Mike was neglecting his friendships in favor of hanging out with El. Mike and El leave rather than helping Dustin set up cerebro when Dustin just got back from camp and wants to spend time with his friends. Dustin vocalizes the fact that this upsets him by calling it, "Bullshit." Mike also obviously neglects his friendship with Will. Even taking Will's romantic feelings completely out of the equation as well, watching Will season three paints Mike and his relationship with El in a bad light, especially if you take Mike's queerness out of the equation. Watching Will destroy Castle Byers is devastating even if he was only feeling betrayed by a friend and not by someone he has feelings for. Feeling sympathy for Will makes the audience upset with Mike and by extension further dislike his relationship with El which is the cause of all of the conflict in the first place. (Again, if we ignore Mike's queerness as a factor in the conflict.) Midleven even negatively affects Mike's relationship with Max! Yes they weren't especially close, but all of their conflict season three has to do with Mike and El's relationship, so if Mike and El weren't dating perhaps Max and Mike would have gotten along more.

Their turbulent relationship in season three. Through a GA lense, I feel that the purpose of their relationship issues and breakup was for some light hearted drama and comedy, and also to give El and Max an opportunity to bond which they otherwise wouldn't have gotten. And it accomplished those things well in my opinion, but it made me start to dislike their relationship further. Because I had already started to become uncomfortable with it, and then they are having issues on top of that.

The fact that El didn't feel comfortable telling Mike about the issues she was having combined with the fact that Mike couldn't say I love you in his letters. If season three hadn't left me with a bad taste in my mouth regarding their relationship I would be able to move past these issues if they were properly resolved, but as it stands, I cannot.

Their fight. Mike gaslit her for one, and called her a Superhero when that was clearly the last thing she needed to hear, both of these things demonstrating that he is not especially sensitive to her feelings. Furthermore, even as she was standing there devastated, he still couldn't give her what she needed, he still couldn't say that he loved her. The only explanation for that in my mind at that point is that he doesn't love her. And while they are only 15 and not being able to say "I love you" quite yet doesn't have to be the end of a relationship 1) It is clear that El wants and expects it, and 2) Mike had two indirect love confessions in season three, so backtracking on that feels weird. It feels like it means something more than "He's just not ready" because he already said it, so how can he "not be ready"? That wouldn't make sense narratively in my opinion.

The "From El" letter. It felt final, it felt like a breakup. Not a silly breakup like in season three, and not El purely being emotional. It felt like a decision she made, a decision she thought through.

"Like it was a fight we can't come back from." This sounds very final as well. Once Mike says that out loud, in my mind, they are done. If they weren't supposed to be over at this point, they shouldn't have had him say that. Nail in the coffin moment for me, given everything else thus far.

I intentionally left out anything that isn't glaringly obvious to the GA, and I left out things that I personally missed on first watch through.

For example, I am not mentioning El not talking to Mike in the cabin at the end of season four because the GA probably feels that she was just upset about Max, and possibly not talking to anyone after visiting Max in the hospital, not just Mike. (I have no interest in arguing about this, let's just say that in my opinion, this moment isn't as cut and dry as many Bylers like to claim.)

Now, of these reasons, there are a few that would convince me that not only is it a ship that I (GA version of me) personally don't like, but furthermore that El and Mike would objectively be better off broken up:

El's upbringing in the lab and the fact that she has not had an opportunity to be single and figure out the nuanced differences between romantic feelings.

Mike's inability to say I love you, the fight, and El's letter.

I'm conclusion, in the hypothetical world where Mike is straight, Mi/even still needs to break up. The fact that I was able to make such an extensive list while taking Mike's queerness and Will's feelings completely out of the equation says a lot.

Now add back in Mike's queercoding and Will's feelings for Mike which were make incredibly obvious in Season 4?

Mi/even bones methinks.

[skipping-through-time]

Sandwich Struggles (Five Hargreeves x Fem! Reader)

A/N: I’m really not the best writer, so just stick with me through this lmao.

Summary: Five and his girlfriend get into a fight about how much time he spends working on apocalypse calculations. 

______________

"Hello? Any superpowered geniuses up here?!" A voice spoke as its owner walked up the staircase of the Umbrella Academy.

"In my room, (Y/n)." Another voice called from a nearby hallway as the girl looked around.

The floorboards of the old mansion creaked as she passed Grace's paintings and walked towards the Hargreeves siblings bedrooms.

Finally reaching her destination, the girl smiled as she saw the figure of her boyfriend standing on his headboard.

"Hey, there you are! I made some lunch and I figured you would want some since you've been in here all day!" (Y/n) claimed as she walked into Five's room with plates of sandwiches in hand.

"Thanks babe, but I don't want anything to eat right now. I've almost solved these problems and I don't wanna stop now."

"Ah, yes, the ever important doomsday equations. I will never understand how you're able to keep track of all this stuff."

"Of course you don't, you aren't the equivalent of a human supercomputer like I am." Five quipped, briefly turning to nod at his girlfriend before going back to writing on the walls.

"Oh, haha, very funny. Look, I might not understand that much of this math stuff but what I do get is that you need to eat so you're still able to use that big brain of yours."

"I appreciate the concern, but really I'm fine. Go see if one of the others wants it. I gotta focus on finishing these."

"Can't you just take a short break though? You've been up since before daybreak." (Y/n) suggested as she sat on the bed below with a tiny bounce.

"No, I can't, I have to get these done so I finally figure out how to save the world."

"Oh, come on, Five! You've been at this forever now! It's gotta be at least a little bit tiring."

"What, stopping the apocalypse? Oh yeah, (N/n), saving the world is really annoying, especially since this is the third time I'm going to have to do it!"

"You know I didn't mean it like that! I'm just worried about you, alright?!"

"Then stop worrying, I'm okay! I managed to live alone in a wasteland for 40 years, I think I can handle myself for 15 more minutes!" Five snapped as he leapt off of his bed, thudding onto his feet.

"Don't pull the fallout card on me! You just don't know when to quit!"

"Maybe I wouldn't need to if you would stop being so irritating and just leave me alone so I could actually finish the work!"

(Y/n) looked at him with wide eyes before huffing angrily and pushing herself off of the mattress.

"Fine... if that's how you feel, then I'll take my absence. Good luck with your stupid numbers, genius boy." Growled the girl before exiting the room with a slam of the door.

Five tightly clenched his jaw with a sigh before throwing a piece of chalk against the ground, a dull thunk following as it hit its mark.

"Damn it! Why can't things go right for me for once?!" Five snarled as he sat at his desk and placed his head in his hands.

A few moments later, a knock came from the other side of the door. Five responded with a quiet "come in", allowing the person to enter with a creak of the doorknob.

"Hey, everything ok in here?" Vanya asked as she stepped in.

"Yeah, it's fine. Just a small disagreement between (Y/n) and I..."

"About what exactly?"

"She was upset that I haven't eaten yet today and then we got into an argument about the calculations followed by her getting ticked off and leaving."

"I hate to be the one to say it, but she's kinda right. Honestly, you've been spending way too much time by yourself up here recently."

"Oh god, not you too! I have to get these figured out or else everything is gonna go up in smoke. I'm not just doing it to save the world, I'm doing it to protect you guys, (Y/n) included! Why can't she get that?!"

"Maybe she doesn't know that. Have you done anything to let her know that's what you're doing?"

"No, she should already know."

"But does she really know that's the case? You haven't necessarily been around her enough to let her know that in the past few days." Vanya suggested with a small shrug.

Five looked at Vanya in confusion for a couple seconds before recognition finally washed over him.

"Oh, shit..." Exclaimed the boy as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I messed up, didn't I?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Vanya hesitantly agreed, scratching the back of her head.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Van." Five said sarcastically as he stood from his chair and began to pace.

Vanya smiled kindly as she walked over and placed her arm around her brother.

"You know, you do get kind of lost in the doomsday things at times."

"I don't mean to, it's just a bad habit of sorts. I do it to make sure (Y/n) stays safe. But now, she's gonna hate me after what I said."

"Five, (Y/n) cares about you just like we do- maybe even a little more. She just wants to make sure you're happy and healthy, that's all. All you have to do is go remind her that you're doing all of this for her."

"I guess I should go apologize then?"

"Yes, I think that's probably for the best." Vanya chuckled as she gave Five a pat on the back.

Five laughed lightly and shook his head in reply before leaving the room to go and search for (Y/n). After jumping into the kitchen and attic, he eventually found his way into the living room, where he heard ice clinking in a glass. He spun around to see the very person he'd been hunting for sitting at the bar.

Carefully trying to approach her, he was shocked when (Y/n) turned her head in his direction.

"Quit sneaking up on me, I heard you spatial jump."

"Who said anything about sneaking? I was just simply letting you enjoy the silence." Five stated simply as he moved her way. (Y/n) sighed and circled her chair around to face the boy.

"What do you want, Five? To make me feel worse? If so, then, mission accomplished, because you've somehow already succeeded."

"Listen, about what happened upstairs... I shouldn't have shouted at you like that... it was uncalled for."

"That's an understatement... I seem to recall you calling me irritating for bothering to care about your well being. Last time I make that mistake again, huh?"

"I didn't mean that, it just slipped out in the heat of the moment."

"You seem to be having these moments a lot lately and I'm not interested in experiencing another one."

"Come on, (Y/n), just hear me out for a minute or two, please?"

(Y/n) sputtered her lips before setting her drink down and dropping her feet to the floor.

"Fine, I'll listen."

Five smiled halfheartedly as he placed his hands in his pockets and started to wander around the room as he talked.

"You know, the thing you said up there were right. I don't know when to quit. I didn't want to quit because I know I have to keep going so that I can keep you safe. I wanted to distance you from all the dangerous apocalypse bullcrap, but in doing so, I just pushed you away... I didn't want that to happen but I screwed it up anyway."

"What are you getting at?"

"Look, I know that it's difficult for me to say this at times, but I want you to know that I'm sorry. I guess I've had to act heroic for so long that I don't really know when I've taken it too far..."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because it's the truth. It wasn't my intention to hurt you and it won't happen again."

"You promise?

"Yes, I promise. I apologize for acting like a jerk. Forgive me?" Five questioned with furrowed brows.

(Y/n) took a small breath in before exhaling with a nod.

"Okay, I accept your apology. Just don’t do it again, alright?"

"I think that can be arranged." Five accepted as the two pulled each other into a warm hug.

"I'm sorry too. But y'know, you don't have to play hero when you're with me. I love you no matter what and I always will. You just gotta remember not to get lost in that big old brain of yours." (Y/n) conceded as she held onto Five.

"You think you'd be willing to help me out with that when it happens again?"

"Of course I would. I love you."

"Love you too, (N/,n)."

Five delicately kissed (Y/n) on her forehead before grabbing her hand and leading her forward.

"Come on, I think it's about time that we eat those sandwiches you made us."

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (5/5)

A/N: The last chapter to this fic. It's a long one and I gotta say that I've had a lot of fun with this one. After I post this chapter, I'll be sure to post the masterpost for this fic. And of course it'll be available on ao3 soon enough.

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

__________

Chapter 5: Adore You

If you had to draw a map to find the way home once you were captivated by the gaze of those trustworthy, soft eyes of his, you would surely run out of ink; pools of blue, unwavering in their affection, drew you in, and you were willing to drown in them. There were facets about them that fascinated you as much as the scales of a butterfly did; they did not shimmer, but they gleamed and sparkled; it's what made you pause and search for a wisp of an acquaintance that very first time you saw him; finding a familiarity that threatened to sweep you away. Why you even found fire in those eyes; it was there in his moments of determination and passion. Oh, how their color shifted with his moods was a type of magic you wanted to spend the rest of your life being mesmerized by. To be sure he wasn't mistaken, he dare not blink; exhibiting the full spectrum of what Billie Eilish described as ocean eyes; he had to be sure. "Y-you do?"

"Yes," you giggled. "I do."

It wouldn't occur to you till later, that he had given you a choice. For instead of the typical proposal question, where it was more asserted, Rick asked in a manner in which there was equal footing; it spoke volumes of the respect he had for you. With shaky hands, he slipped a ring whose stone was as clear and blue as his eyes and cut perfectly like a rose, the band covered in gold vines and silver leaves which weaved together; he made it himself, and if you thought back far enough, you could remember when he was ambiguous about his plans to create a new type of stone. Honestly, you didn't realize it would be for this.

"Gosh," he sniffled. "I-I promised myself that I w-wouldn't cry."

But cry he would; fat, sloppy tears that blinded one's vision. He wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater, and fought to regain composure, but lost to the new wave which followed. You gently pried his hands away from his face, softening at his tear-stained cheeks. "It's okay, you can cry if you want to. I already know how tender you are."

Goodness, how long had he wanted to do this? For while it had almost been two years in which he had last attempted to, it might've been on his mind for much longer than that; eating away at his clarity; at the self-confidence that was torn down and repaired daily. You were grateful and proud that this man wanted you; that he finally gathered the courage to ask and do as he intended and wanted. You….you had wanted this to happen, but did he know that? Your ocean of inquisitions thought otherwise.

However, it was time to quiet and quell his despondent thoughts. Your fingers dug into the collar of his sweater; the tang of nervous sweat and something so him which wafted off him made you yearn to bring him closer. The puffiness about his eyes didn't discourage you from pressing a kiss at the corner of them and from his throat came a choked sob and you were surrounded by the sounds of his disbelief; this cacophony was breaking your heart. There had to be something you could do to ease him. "Ricardo," you started, "considering the suddenness of the occasion, should we, in like fashion…my dear honey man, would you like to get married today?"

This new tidbit caught him off guard; so much so that he stopped crying; good. Now, he was the one who was unsure of whether this was real life or a simulation. He ran his fingers through his hair, double-checked his equipment, sprayed himself with water, and completed equations that had taken this earth dimension's leading mathematicians decades to understand. What you thought was odd was when he caught a pigeon, scanned its anatomy, and found it was sound; you were going to have to ask him about it later. "Rick, did you hear me?"

"Y-yes," he focused, "but what d-do you mean today? How?"

You figured he would have easily come to a conclusion, but then again, what do spacemen have to do with the price of bread?

"I mean that we don't have to wait if you don't want to." You slid your palm over his tattoo, memorizing with your fingertips where his skin was slightly raised. "We can just go down to the justice of the peace if you'd like."

"And y-you would be my wife today?"

"Yes," you giggled. "I think that's how it works."

"But what about a-a…"

"A wedding ceremony?" you interrupted. "Well, we can have one later. We can plan it however you want, and invite all our friends. There can be so much celebration that we'll be knocked out for a week. Until then, I just want to make you happy, and I believe the sooner the better. Okay? So, if we're going to do this, just tell me now and I'll go get the proper paperwork."

It never ceased to amaze you how easily he flitted through emotions as though it were the weather, and with vigor, he lifted you up and vibrated with joy. "Boy, golly gee…this really - this really razzes my b-berries! This is…wow, I-I can't believe it."

You couldn't believe his word choice either. "Oh, you better believe it, because now you're stuck with me and I have you all to myself. However, you're going to have to put me down now because the office closes at five. There are a few things I need to do before then."

Letting you down, he happily waved goodbye despite the fact that it wouldn't take long to get what you needed for this impromptu occasion. Though, when you entered your house, you took a moment to think about your father. There were things you still didn't understand, like why he never told you about his friendship with Rick, or why you two never really discussed what he'd do if you got married; if he had been here, maybe you two would have talked about which flowers would look best as centerpieces; like whether roses or mums were cheerful enough or if this really was a good idea; if such an age gap was surmountable. Yet, in a way you felt as though you were honoring him; for your father and your mother had been unconventional and had gotten married without all the showy displays then road tripped a bit before settling here; you were simply following tradition.

Maybe, you didn't have to know about the why's and what-ifs, but focusing on what you could do seemed a whole lot easier to do. You kicked off your sneakers and dashed upstairs. You knew where your important documents were, but you thought that choosing a cute outfit would take a little longer. You wanted a certain vibe, one that would make things easier on him and then it came to you; why not revisit an old favorite; one that reminded you of his eyes; always, forever blue.

When you returned, you found him pacing around. He was deep in thought, and it took a moment for him to notice that you had returned. Almost comically, his eyes widened as he took in your appearance, and he started to cry again. "That's th-the dress. From that one time."

"It sure is."

With a twirl, you flaunted the blue chiffon dress, and felt like a dream; his visible adoration was not lost on you. It was a relief that this time you hadn't taken an hour to fuss or worry that you weren't dressed for the part, and you weren't wearing shoes which would kill your feet, but instead rocked some converse. "These shoes are made for walking and that's just what I'll do."

Unlike you, Zeta-7 wanted to fuss and choose something dressier, but you somehow managed to convince him that his blue button-up would be fine, and no tie was necessary; hidden ray guns were allowed just in case this happened to be the day that the Gromflomites attacked; not even Earth-based military scanners would be able to detect them. Though, you did allow him to fix up his hair, because one, you thought he was quite handsome with it combed back, and two, it's what he felt he needed to do to look the part. "How do I-I look?"

"Like the man I'm going to marry. Are you ready handsome?"

With a nod, he grabbed the folder with all the documents he needed. "Y-you bet."

______________

At the courthouse, the entire security staff grouped together and teased you about your keys; you should've known that you'd face trouble once you went through the metal detector; you had a lot of keychains; they were from the days when you and your father would go shopping together. Like Rick, he liked yard sales and thrift stores; sometimes he'd get grab bags and there would be vintage keychains, and he'd give them to you knowing you'd like them. You were told by one of the older guards that it wasn't natural for a grown woman to have a set of keys that weighed five pounds. Zeta-7 began to worry, but you told him you could handle it, and you figured the guards were bored and had nothing else to do. What you didn't tell them was that the main reason your keys were heavy was that you were carrying two sets; yours and your father's old keys; Rick knew, but he respected your wishes to leave it be.

Despite this, you two made your way to the right office; it only took fifteen minutes of going to lobby after lobby, free coffee, and endless rugs in all this indoor nothingness. And nobody knew better than Rick when it came to how much you hated paperwork, but nonetheless, you went through the painstaking process of signing this and that, wondering why they didn't make it easier for people by asking yes or no questions; this better not become someone's confetti. Rick breezed through it all, and you were slightly jealous that he knew what he was doing, but it was due to the fact that citadel paperwork was a lot more frustrating and difficult; he had to go through stacks of it weekly; poor man. While he sat quietly, you were in-between forms that had to be signed in triplicate and heard the gossip coming from the people who were working in the back of the office. What they didn't know was that their ignorance made you more determined; you'd fought your own expectations, that of others, as well as what seemed right to do long enough and no one, not even death itself was going to stop you from doing this; it was the best thing you could ever do for yourself and for him as well. You breathed a sigh of relief when you and Rick finally signed the marriage certificate; finally, it was done, and he watched rapturously as you set down the pen so that he could kiss you without refrain.

If you hadn't known better, you'd say the world shied away; dissolving into a plane of nothingness as he enveloped you with a strength that was deceptive for a man of his years; he had become a little more confident; it might've taken a few years, but all you knew was that it suited him. Being nurtured and cared for, as well as loved in the right sort of environment did wonders on Zeta-7; so much so, that he could hold the world in the palm of his hand and still manage not to damage it. It wasn't shocking that some found this outward display sweet, and you almost had hope for humankind, but then there was a laugh or two from the back; you made a mental note to consider moving off Earth. No one was going to ruin this moment for him, and relishing the moment, you chased his mouth for a second kiss; you know, to prove your point.

And if you hadn't already been proud of him, what made you even prouder was what he said on the way out. "Please stop laughing at m-my wife. Th-that's very rude."

His wife? Yes, you were his wife now. It's strange how you could wake up and wonder what you should have for breakfast and be here where you were now; in a whole new chapter of your life; wondering what will come next. Confusing yes, but not something to be afraid of; you welcomed this happy transition.

Back at the car, you were still recovering from his earlier outburst; the like which was almost out of character. "Did you see the look on her face? I thought it was going to fall off with how far her jaw dropped. Wasn't it a sight?"

Though, he was busy staring at the ring on his own hand which you had picked out when you two made a stop at a consignment shop earlier. It wasn't that complex like yours, but he loved it. "All I could see was - was you."

"You flirt."

You gave his shoulder a playful shove, and in turn, he laughed a full-on belly laugh; this happy noise was music to your ears. "Gosh, I-I mean it. Y-you, look so pretty today." A bit shyly, he commented. "Blue looks very good on you."

"Thank you. So, how should we celebrate? A trip to the moon perhaps? Going across the universe? Maybe a kaiju fight with Matango? Or watching Spiderman 2? Honestly, I'm game for anything."

You had decent shoes on and didn't care what he wanted to do because you were happy if he was happy. And as though it were just another afternoon, he glowed with happiness when he asked. "Mrs. Sanchez, do you - do you want to go get some ice cream?"

Some things will never change and you didn't mind that. "I'd love to. As the author, L.M. Montgomery once said, 'I guess ice cream is one of those things that are beyond imagination.' And, you know, it's so true. I intend to go all out with the toppings today. It's certainly that kind of occasion."

______

He couldn't seem to want to let go of your hand; as though the world would fall away if he didn't and that this would turn out to be a cruel dream. Still, you humored and spoiled him. As intended, you got all the toppings; Rick thought it was a kids dream come true with the amount of candy you had in your waffle bowl. And since you had enough to share, you took the liberty to feed him. He chatted on; offering charming stories from his band days; unlike other Ricks who were in a rock band called Flesh Curtains, his band had been a jazz and bossa nova trio; the band name had been comprised of a numerical equation; if you had named them you would've called them the Zeta Bytes.

Now, Rick wasn't a messy eater, but during one of his more excitable stories, he spilled a bit on the corner of his mouth. Ready with a napkin, you wiped it away, and couldn't help but laugh at how boyish it was. Giving your hand a squeeze, he absentmindedly brushed his thumb on the back of your hand; adoration coloring his voice. “You're t-t-too good to me.”

"There's no such thing. If anything, I gotta spoil you rotten."

You found no hindrance in his mood and this time he didn't think twice about kissing you then and there as he liked while you were still holding the napkin; fear and shame of public displays of affection being one less thing to worry about now. Who cared if your ice cream was melting, because your heart was melting; his mouth tasted of chocolate and promises. A soft chuckle escaped him as he pulled away; his promise whispered against your lips. "I-I promise I'll be good t-t-to you."

Being loved suited him; it really, really did wonders on his countenance and it made you wonder what else he could now do.

_________

By now you were a little tired, but Ricks contagious energy invigorated your spirits; you bet he could've come up with an invention and completed it today if he stayed this hyped up. Instead, he used that energy to make fresh rolls to go with the leftover acorn squash soup; you hadn't been that hungry, but you enjoyed it nonetheless. And when dinner had been eaten, you helped him with the dishes; nothing you hadn't done before, but his spirit was lighter and more at ease; he even bumped your hip with his as a gesture of playfulness. After cleaning up the kitchen, he decided that he'd like to take a shower and refresh himself and in the meantime, you stepped out into the backyard to enjoy the beauty of the night. In this part of town, despite the light pollution, you could see a fair amount of stars.

You had never studied astronomy, but Rick had shown you in diagrams and in textbooks of their names and explained how they were formed; to him, their complexity was like poetry, and it made them beautiful. You couldn't recite it by memory, but you had a feeling that beyond your current comprehension perhaps there was life amongst those heavenly bodies, despite the heat or deadly gases; if you had learned anything about space, it was that worlds were more along the lines of art and beauty than fields of science which were easily explained. Yet, in the air, where there was a sweet perfume, thick, but intoxicating, only where you were currently mattered; you saw that in the leftmost part of the yard there was jasmine which was currently in bloom; its blanket of flowers reminding you of snow. Hadn't you read of this somewhere before? Maybe.

In the grass near your feet, grasshoppers leaped away, and crickets chirped their songs. And you relished the strong breezes and the song of the night which may consume a melancholic heart if it were searching for tragedies instead of sweet dreams. And it had only been a few hours ago when you had thought that all of which transpired might've been a dream. Though, whatever truths that had come to light in the hours after the simulation, you were glad of them.

In the dark, sights and sounds were heightened and mesmerizing, albeit curious in its own right; if it hadn't been for the sound barrier Rick had on his property, you would've heard the obnoxious sound of the next-door neighbor's TV as they watched infomercials. Still, it was a beautiful night. Sitting on the bench which overlooked the whole yard, you thought of what wonderful things you'd like to share with Rick, and then he found you. For his part, he had changed into something more relaxed; into a light blue button-down that was similar to the one he was wearing earlier, but this one was softer, and it was paired with navy pants; it reminded you of blue pants Rick with his attire, but it was cute and suited him. With him, he had brought over a tray of goodies and you two ate cookies and cakes and drank earl grey under the moonlit night.

The pause in conversation gave allowances for observations. For example, you took a good long look at him as he sipped his tea; admiring how casual he appeared tonight. Without his labcoat or sweater, his identity seemed separate from that of his dimension jumping, scientist self; making way for the person deep inside; the friendly neighbor who won your heart without even trying. He noticed eventually that you had been staring at him, and he broke the silence with his inquiry. "What are y-you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about you cutie. You um….you look really good in those blue pants of yours. Thinking of taking up modeling anytime soon?"

"N-no," he answered with an air of obliviousness that you found endearing. "not unless my next work assignment requires it. Gee, why do you ask?"

"Hmm, it's because you wear your clothes well. I always thought you did, but I don't believe I ever mentioned it."

He ruminated on what you said for a few minutes, before setting down his cup. "Did you - did you always find me attractive?"

"No," you confessed. "but you're the only person I've ever really been attracted to. I…..I always liked the fact that our relationship was built on something more substantial. You see, the more I got to know you, the more irresistible I found you. Though," you winked. "those teeth of yours were always too cute to resist."

This truth of yours made him comfortable enough to relinquish one of his own. "C-can I tell you a secret?"

"It's not much of a secret if you tell me dear, but you can tell me anyway."

Wringing his hands together, he confessed solemnly. "That day y-you tripped on the sidewalk nearby my house, I-I almost decided not to cross the road."

Not cross the road? Hmm, it had been an option. In your mind's eye, you could imagine it; the tall, lanky figure of a man debating against his better judgment on what he ought to do; so close but so far; knowing that he was altering the course of his future and putting yours at risk. Poor man, having to wallow over a moral dilemma like that. "Why is that?"

"Gosh, y-you….I didn't want to take advantage of the situation."

It could've been taken that way, but you never thought so. "So what changed your mind?"

"I thought you were going to cry, and I-I didn't… I didn't want you to suffer anymore. I thought t-to myself, that if I got t-t-to know you, then you wouldn't have to be lonely anymore."

When he said this, you nearly couldn't look at him; not because he knew more than he let on, but because who knows what paths you two would've taken if he hadn't shown up that day. Tears bit at the back of your eyes, and your nails bit into your palms. "Dear, love isn't always a cure for heartache," He tensed up at this, but you knew you had to tell him. You weren't upset because you had guessed as much, but being assured of it cemented the fact. "but I'm sure that without you, without your friendship, I might not be here right now. I think I was depressed, and from time to time I still feel that way. I…I have thought of ways to make my troubles end, ways you might not have been proud of, but you've shown me a better way to live. I think…no, I know that by expanding my horizons, I understand now that there's so much to look forward to, and not to take life for granted. Why," you paused, fighting the tears which threatened to fall. "you reminded me that I gotta make the most of this crazy, unpredictable life, and I'm happy that I'll get to do that with you."

He understood and accepted this answer and gave you a look of adoration and pride; the like that you hoped you'd always remember. And when you two were done with tea, you both took a walk about the garden. The sweet perfume of jasmine intermingled with that of the scent of his soap, and combined with the candor of his speech made this place feel like a well of comfort. He followed behind you as you two spoke, and you were conscious of the fact that with his freshly washed hair brushed back, it made him more appealing. His hands were in want of yours as he matched your pace, and you felt slightly mischievous as you'd skip or teased him to catch you; it wasn't long until he gathered you in his arms and laughed, and you asked without much seriousness for him to let you go, but while he loosened his grip, he didn't let go entirely. "Gosh, y-you make me feel so young. It - it feels so good to have you in my arms."

"Oh, really?" you giggled. "That's great to hear."

Pressing a kiss to your temple, he sighed. "It's unfortunate that I'm so old."

"That's okay. I like you as you are. It goes well with your personality."

"Thank you mi corazón. It feels good to hear that. However, can I-I ask you something?"

"Mhm."

"¿Si hubiera s-sido más joven, habría marcado la diferencia?"

"If you had been younger? I don't know. Possibly," you admitted. "I might've been less reluctant about my feelings at the beginning, but I truly don't know. I'd like to think that I'd still would've fallen for you anyway. You're a wonderful man Ricardo, you don't have to doubt that, anyone can see that. It doesn't matter how old you are, but it's who you are."

"Y-you're right." With reluctance, he allowed his arms to drop to his sides, and he wondered. "It um - it's getting late. Should I-I walk you home?"

Was he forgetting that he didn't have to? Maybe not. Perhaps he needed a sign; one that said that any suggestion of further intimacy was alright. "I thought I was home." you answered, "Don't you want me to stay?"

Scratching the back of his neck, he nodded. "Yes, I-I-I-I do."

"Then it's settled. We'll have a big sleepover," you brightened. "and it'll never have to end. I'll borrow a pair of your pj's and hog all the blankets because I'll get cold."

"And in - in the morning," he added warmly, "w-we can have pancakes."

"Yeah, and watch enough interdimensional cable to make us go blind."

"But I-I might have to work tomorrow."

"Oh. Well, then I guess I'll just have to eat all your snacks until you come back. We might have to take a trip to Costco at some point because they sell these mushroom crisps that are to die for."

Standing under the persimmon tree, he stepped forward and gave your shoulder a squeeze. "Y-you can have whatever you want," With a strong arm slipping around your waist, you felt almost shy at the way he smiled protectingly down at you. His warm breath ghosted about your ear, and his voice was above a whisper as he confessed. “because I-I-I finally got you princess and I'm not - I'm not going t-to let you go.”

At the sound of this pet name, you felt a slight warmth rush to your cheeks, but you didn't laugh it off as you had once but agreed with warmth. “You may do as you please, Mr. Sanchez.”

And so he did. Without hesitation, he lifted your chin and brushed your lips with his thumb. His eyes sparkling with humor, promise, and a confidence that was somehow so very appropriate on his face. "I love you. I-I-I always have. From the time I first held your hand, I knew it had to be you. I would've been a fool if I - if I hadn't tried. Even now, it's hard to believe, but it's starting to sink in."

"Me too. It's unbelievable, but it's true and we have the paperwork to prove it."

Leaning down, he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips. It was so gentle, it was as though you might break if he tried otherwise. Kissing you again, he sighed against your lips. "It's beautiful out t-tonight."

"It is."

Pressing a hand to his cheek, you softened. "But I think I'm ready to call it a night. Why don't we go in?"

Weaving his fingers with yours, he softened. "Okay."

You used to think to yourself and wonder if his house would ever be ready to receive you, but what you now realized was that it had always been ready, and only you had been waiting for it all to catch up; for him to know what he wanted and to be courageous and say; for you to know what you needed, and to accept that being yourself didn't make you any less attractive or unique and that you weren't alone; you had never been alone, for he had always been waiting. His home, why it was always home, but it was always home because he was what grounded you and you were what grounded him. And you felt so married to him then, and everything felt as it should. Nothing had really changed, except for a title, and a promise; for you two were friends as you had always been; him the happy go lucky old man, and you the silly neighbor who met him by accident, but you couldn't deny that you loved him with your entire being and so did he. As promised, he intended to do everything in his power to protect you, even as you two were getting ready for bed. His body seemed to curl around you as to shield you from whatever monsters could be hiding in the dark.

So, when it happened that you rested your head upon his chest and felt the temptation of sleep washing over you, you pressed a light kiss to his cheek and confessed softly. "I can't wait to wake up next to you."

Fin

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Forty-Five

Table of Content or Part Forty-Four

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Words: 3.1K

Warning(s): Explicit language, sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse

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Five days detoxing at Doc's house+rehab+therapy=road to recovery=out of the woods. It's the magical equation I swore up and down wouldn't end in "Error."

The few dishes on the counter shatter into the floor once Nikki roughly sits me on it, his fingers digging into my thighs that wrap securely around him, our tongues twisting as we tug and pull at each other's clothes.

I get his pants undone as he pulls the towel from around my body, taking a handful of my soaking wet hair in his hand and tugging my head back to leave bites and bruises up and down my neck, causing me to hum in pleasure while my core pulses with anticipation to be filled by him.

Moving myself to the edge of the counter, spreading my legs as he runs his fist up and down his length a few times, I take heavy breaths, a wash of shame coming over me for a moment because this is the complete opposite of what we were instructed to do. 

But fuck the "no contact" rule. 

I've barely had any contact with him the past few months because he's been stoned or drunk. Telling me to practically ignore and avoid him for 30 days straight is like waving a loaded syringe in an addict's face before sitting it down in front of them and leaving them alone after telling them "okay I know it's right there and it's the one thing you struggle most to control yourself around, but don't even look at it."

Fuck that, and Nikki. And I refuse to walk around my own house anymore and not do the latter of those two.

The indescribable feeling of him pushing into me has my head tipping back , and my eyes closing as the both of us let out content sighs. 

I put my weight on one of my hands that rests on the counter beside me, the other hand wrapped around the back of Nikki's neck, as he moves in and out of me ferociously and I meet him thrust for thrust.

Let's take a step back and catch up on how he and I had gotten to that point.

Eight Days Earlier

"You two can detox at my place, check into rehab, come out when you're better and we'll go from there." Doc explains to Nikki and Tansy as they both sit on our couch.

"W-What about the press? Or my mom?" Tansy asks him nervously, fumbling with the tag on the throw blanket she's enveloped in.

"You let me deal with your mom and the media, alright?" Doc assures her. 

"Surely your mom won't be pissed at you for getting help, Tans." I try to tell her and she rubs her lips together.

"People will know I have a problem if I got to rehab." She points out. "It'll make me look bad."

"Having to cover your entire body with makeup to hide the discoloration of your skin and the track marks, looks bad, Tansy. Screw what people think. At least you're admitting you need help." I say and she doesn't reply, just looking at Nikki to gauge his reaction to all of this.

He looks pissed, but too tired and defeated to give a shit enough to argue with me anymore about it.

"What's the point of rehab if I'm just gonna end up kicking it at Doc's place?" Nikki asks me and I let out a breath.

"Because rehab will teach you coping mechanisms that Doc can't, Nikki. It won't take that long for you to get out if you just try your best at it." I reply and he scoffs. 

"So, what, you're babysitting me at Doc's until I'm done throwing up, shitting myself, and having hot and cold flashes and then shipping me off for a few weeks?" He cuts his dead eyes at me and Doc and I exchange looks.

"Well, it depends on how quickly you adjust to rehab and make a turn around, as to how soon you can get out...so it might be more than a few weeks." Doc informs him. "And Bob has already scheduled you and Viv an appointment with a marriage therapist."

"Well if I'm spending more than three weeks in rehab there's no point in working on our marriage." 

"The program you'll be in includes this particular therapist who's currently working on creating a schedule for Vivian to come visit you often and you two have your sessions bi-weekly." Doc states and Nikki rolls his jaw, looking at me.

"Is this what you really want? Your husband gone for weeks on end until some quack gives me a certificate and a gold star because I went 'X' amount of time without shooting up?" He harshly questions me and I rub my lips together.

I think of the reasons Nikki didn't spend more than three days in rehab the first time he went, was because A.) He refused to believe in a higher power, and B.) He didn't go to rehab because he knew he had a problem and wanted to get better, he went to rehab to appease the people around him because he felt we were twisting his arm until he gave up and cried "mercy" a.k.a "fine I'll go, just as long as you shut the fuck up and get off my back about it."

I look at him for a moment, studying his knotted hair, his yellow skin, his shot eyes, his weak appearance, before saying:

"I'd rather you hate me for a little while for getting you help, instead of waking up and trying to convince myself to continue to live in a world with no Nikki Sixx in it."

"We're not indestructible, Nikki." Tansy adds softly, knowing very well she and he both need help.

He doesn't say anything else.

She had Doc and I convinced she wanted help...but truth be told Nikki actually went to rehab while Tansy had Duff come get her from Doc's house.

She knew she had a severe problem, but the only time Tansy would "clean up" was when she gave her veins a break, out of fear of completely losing them, and was muscling smack. She would fall back on pills and lots of booze, then when some of her veins would start reviving themselves back from their smaller size, she would start up again.

I can't even say how much money she and her mother were paying people to keep quiet to the media. 

Nobody could know perfect Tansy Lyn, Playboy's Barbie Doll, was so broken inside that she repeatedly destroyed her body, let it rebuild, and wrecked it again. 

It must have been a punch in the face to her mom when Tansy came clean in '88 and admitted she had struggled with addiction and was going into rehab...and an even harder punch in the face when she came back in into the spotlight in 1989, dropping her stage name "Tansy Lyn" and dawning "Tansalyn Rose" after marrying Axl, and practically confessed every grimy detail of her obsession with hard drugs and alcohol since 1981, and why she started them to cope with what was happening behind the scenes of the brutal modeling industry. 

In 1990, her vision-come-to-life, "I Won't Just Smile", was born. It started as a campaign to raise awareness against sexual abuse, exploitation, and coercion in all corners of the modelling industry, then stemmed into an organization that offered free services to victims of addiction and abuse, from rehab to post-assault counseling and everything in between.

Years of Diane's hard work to create her daughter's untouchable persona, completely shattered.

I was just thrilled Tansy had turned her struggles around and used them to help others, but first, she would have to face a handful of overdoses, one of which nearly killed her, have a section of her liver cut out, and have a temporary pace-maker.

All of it just made Axl more strict about drugs. Not just for the sake of the band and the fans, but he was afraid some members of Guns in particular would pull Tansy back into the merry-go-round of addiction after she got clean.

"You're telling me I can't stay with him and Tansy?" I ask Doc harshly in a whisper once the four of us get to his house.

"You won't want to stay, Viv. I'm telling you, they're gonna pull out all the stops to get you to cave and get them some smack because they'll be in so much pain. I don't want you to see them like that and I don't want you to compromise their recovery." He explains.

"You think I would do that?!"

"I know you would if it came down to it." He states and I roll my jaw. "This isn't just little flu symptoms and some body aches. They will feel like they are going to die, they will look like they are going to die and I cannot trust you not to give in." His brutal honesty. "You'll be able to see them in about a week, they'll be better by then and then we can look at the next step. Got it?"

I just glare at him.

"Go kiss 'em 'bye' and fuck off." He says next, waving his hand at me dismissively as he goes to my car to grab Nikki's bag and his car to grab Tansy's.

I step back into the living room to tell them 'bye' but stop myself, deciding it's better to let Doc deal with Nikki's pissed off temper when he discovers I won't be staying with them.

Grabbing my car keys from the table by the door, I head the house.

When I get back to our house, I check the machine that's blinking a light to signal a missed call.

I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water as Slash's voice slurs through the speaker.

"H-Hey, Viv, um...uh...we..." I chuckle at his incoherent mumbling and step to the phone to call him back as another message starts playing where his left off.

"Viv," It's Duff. "Call us back as soon as you can."

I furrow my brows a little, about to dial them back until yet another message comes on.

"Viv, we got signed!" Steven's screaming has me dropping my water and the phone, joy coursing through the soles of my feet up to my hair, and I'm running around and screaming along with his recorded message loudly blaring his own excitement.

I run back to the phone and pick it up, dialing their apartment.

"We got signed!" Steven's voice is shouting at me before the phone even rings a single ring.

"When?! How?! By who?!" I say back.

"We'll tell you over dinner because guess who got $7,500 cash advances?! The same mother fuckers who've been stealing from strippers to get by, that's who!" He exclaims.

"Yeah, don't ever tell people you guys did that!" I say in the same tone. "Lemme change and I'll be over there, okay?"

"Okay." He replies, and I can just hear his smile through the phone.

I hang up and give one last scream of happiness before sprinting to get changed and leave.

Tom Zutaut, the same man responsible for giving Mötley Crüe their shot, had given the same shot to Guns N' Roses.

They had signed to Geffen Records, and although that was their second goal--the first was getting a band together--they knew the main goal was to release their first album, and hopefully, have it a success.

Before I can even knock on the door, it's swinging open and Steven's like a puppy, jumping around, waiting on me by the door.

I hug him tightly, trying to keep myself from crying with immense relief that they're one step closer--a giant step closer--to their dream.

When we pull away from each other, Duff holds his hand up for me to give him a high-five and I do, his fingers locking with my hand to pull me into a hug and I'm sandwiched between him and Steven momentarily.

A flash catches my eye and we pull away from each other to see a girl with short, blonde hair, that I've never seen before, holding a camera.

"That's gonna be a good one." She tells us, smiling at Duff as the Polaroid deposits.

Mandy Brixx, member of the punk band, Lotus Lame and The Lame Flames, was a cute girl with bleach blonde hair, beautiful brown eyes and a captivating smile...and was also Duff's first wife.

Mandy wasn't perfect, but she didn't disown Duff after he told her he had gotten me pregnant.

Even though he didn't cheat on her with me, and they had been broken up for about six months when he and I got involved, I know it hurt her knowing he had hooked up with the woman she was sure she didn't have to worry about when they dated. They ended up getting back together in 1988 and got married the same year.

They divorced two years later because something just "changed" and neither of them were happy, but I've always respected her because she was really good to Monroe.

His second wife, however, was crazier than a run over dog because she was always on something.

The last time I saw her in 1993, she had said something crass and rude to Tansy and before Tansy could reply, I was asking Linda, "were you born a cunt or does the crack just bring it out of you?"

She swung on me and I swung back. Except when I throw a punch, I make sure it lands.

Maybe she would've actually hit me if her equilibrium weren't as fried as her brain.

I would've kicked her ass if Duff and Matt Sorum hadn't pulled me off of her.

I hope she got her shit together after they divorced in 1995.

I guess bass players and crack-head models go hand-in-hand...

"Viv, this is my girlfriend, Mandy." Duff introduces me. "Mandy, this is my best friend, Viv."

"Hi, it's good to finally meet you." Mandy tells me with a gentle smile and I extend my hand to her.

"You, too." I reply as she takes my hand in her's, my eyes subtly flickering to Duff now that he's standing beside her, silently asking him when the hell he was going to tell me about his girlfriend.

"I'll tell you later." He mouths to me where she can't see and I just keep smiling as she strikes up conversation with me.

Once we get to the Rainbow, Steven and I are a few steps in front of Duff and Mandy, the blonde drummer letting out a little sigh.

"What is it?" I ask, nudging him.

"Just worried about Tansy." He admits, and I raise my brows. "It's not like that, Viv, I swear." He promises. "She's a cool person, is all. I wish she was here to celebrate this with us."

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear about it when you're allowed to go visit her in rehab." I remind him. "Where's the guys?" I ask next as we step into the Rainbow.

"Slash is hanging out with this chick he met a couple weeks ago, Izzy's with his girl friend and I don't know where Axl is." He tells me and I nod. "So it's just a double date for us tonight." He grins widely, winking at me slickly.

After hours of just goofing off, talking, eating and demonstrating our celebration of Guns' stepping stone, Mandy's calling it a night.

"I'll call you later, Duff." She says to him as she grabs her jacket and he stands up to let her scoot out of the booth.

"Sounds good, babe." He replies, kissing her cheek.

"It was really nice to meet you." She tells me.

"It was nice to meet you, too." I reply.

"Bye." She smiles one last time at Duff, waving to Steven before leaving.

"When did you me--"

"Viv, lemme out." Steven interrupts me and I furrow my brows.

"What?"

"Lemme out, there's a hot girl at the bar and she just waved me over. I wanna get laid. Lemme out." He pleads and I roll my eyes and scoot out so he can stand up.

He does so, heading straight to the bar to try his luck with a beautiful brunette.

And then there were two.

"You were saying?" Duff chuckles out when Steven's gone and I smile a little.

"When did you and Mandy meet?" I ask him and he lets out a breath of cigarette smoke.

"Uh, a month ago, maybe? She gave me her number and I went back and forth with myself until I convinced myself to call her." He explains. "We spent the weekend together so I guess we get along pretty good. She's a great girl."

"She seems nice." I tell him, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, she is." He agrees, taking another drag of his cigarette.

I take a sip of my water and sit in the silence that falls over us before noticing he's staring at me.

"What?" I ask him.

"You wanna go somewhere with me?" He offers, putting his cigarette out.

"Where?"

"C'mon." He stands up, nodding to the door.

"But Steven--"

"--Is about to go mess around with that girl in the bathroom. He's not gonna be mad if we leave him." He adds. "C'mon, you'll like where we go."

"If you say so." I shrug.

He pays the bill and the two of us head back to their apartment so he can get his car.

I know I should have been at home by the phone, waiting for a call from Doc or Nikki or Tansy, but it was pointless to sit at home and worry when I couldn't do anything about it anyway.

When we get to where we're going, Duff is parking his car in the lot of an abandoned building, and I glance around to see there's not much traffic around us.

"Is this the part where you murder me?" I ask him and he busts out in laughter, shaking his head.

"This is where Mandy and her band rehearses." He explains.

"Why're we here?"

"I picked her up here the other day and noticed something you might like." He gets out the car and opens his trunk, pulling out a shopping bag.

"Duff..." I say, uneasy as we approach the rusted door.

"Shh, I got it." He digs in his jacket pocket and plucks out a worn key, unlocking the dead bolt and the door knob.

I follow him inside, and he switches on a light switch, only one light beam in the ceiling comes on, and in the large, dim room, I see a large mirrored wall, sleek but worn out wood floors, and I turn to see Duff holding out a brand new pair of pointe shoes to me.

I wasn't going to tell him I'd gone so long without dancing that I'd have to work my way back up to dancing on pointe, because he'd spent money for the shoes and they looked to be around my size and I didn't want to know how observant he had to be to estimate my shoe size in terms of ballet...so I did something I was really good at doing at that time in my life.

I kept myself from crying.

I knew Duff was going to be a constant encourager in my life when he held those shoes out to me and so easily, so confidently, said:

"You've supported and helped me get into my groove of things to start accomplishing my dream. Now, I'm helping you get back into your's."

[punkscowardschampions]

Amber & Cosmo

Amber: [okay so what if like he finds her in Dash's room obvs he's not there like lowkey ransacking it and he can either help her or walk off whatever you think he'd do and then we can do a convo after that of her being like I'm not a burglar or a bunny boiler just for your info] Cosmo: [I like it, he'd more than likely just walk-off like 😏 okay so] Amber: [that works for us cos they've seen each other so they know each other is hot but haven't spoken] Cosmo: [exactly and just set up he's not gonna deign to get involved with anything his brother/you] Amber: not a stalker but realise getting in your inbox to claim that is a defeat.... Cosmo: you either got the wrong room or wrong inbox Amber: right room to get my zip back, right inbox because you saw me hunting for it Cosmo: I'm glad Cosmo: your efforts to stop him being entirely useless are appreciated Amber: I don't rate highly for him besides 🎯 Amber: but easy mark for theft isn't a sweet identifier Cosmo: Exactly, no need to get upset Cosmo: you've got your shit back and you didn't have to interact with him again, take your wins Amber: control your emotion? is that how you're gonna talk to a girl you've just (not) met? Amber: take your chance at less....THAT....first impression Cosmo: we met Cosmo: I was the tall, athletic guy Cosmo: you were up to your waist in all the crap he has lying about, but I could just about see you over it Amber: you looked at me, you didn't meet me Amber: it would involve not keeping walking Cosmo: I'm sorry, I didn't know there was etiquette surrounding girls who just so happen to be taking back what was there's, NOT stalking and NOT stealing Cosmo: should I have offered assistance? Amber: if the idea of meeting me horrifies you more than the prospect of me leaving quicker thrills you, no help required Cosmo: I'm not part of the turndown service, sadly Cosmo: again, nothing personal Cosmo: I just have somewhere to be Amber: I didn't know it was a real hotel Cosmo: He didn't tell you? Cosmo: practically the marmont but no one cool has died here yet Amber: the in depth conversation you're picturing us having didn't happen Amber: not to make you more uncomfortable than my sudden appearance Cosmo: rest easy, I'm not picturing anything Cosmo: as I said, busy Amber: 😴👶 Cosmo: What's that meant to mean Amber: I'll sleep like a newborn, you can rest easy knowing it Amber: when you're not busy Cosmo: 😏 alright Cosmo: would hate to have you keeping me up at night, honestly, so thanks Amber: if I wake up screaming for milk I won't come & find you Cosmo: If you wake up 9 months down the like with a screaming 👶 Cosmo: I'll redirect you to the right room, free of charge Amber: can you not put a hex on me please Amber: I'm too busy myself to be carrying any 👶s Cosmo: I can promise you I wouldn't know how should I want to Cosmo: but I don't and you seem smart enough to have put your faith in something beyond magik Amber: what do those people seem like to you? Amber: I can talk in riddles all day Amber: give you a reading Cosmo: I've been assured we're both too busy for that Cosmo: but I get it, I know where you're from Amber: you know where I live Amber: that makes two of us Cosmo: I don't need to know any more than that Cosmo: do you? Amber: if you don't, I don't Amber: you don't work at the hotel and I'm not the official spokesperson for this place Cosmo: we can both agree to give the guided tour a miss Cosmo: go on then, what's your name Amber: that's a quick turnaround Amber: you didn't need to know anything because you had an idea where to leave 💌 Amber: you wanna give them the personal touch, addressed to me and signed? Cosmo: You might be used to being the hottest girl in the commune or whatever but that ain't it Cosmo: you don't wanna be spokesperson, who are you then? Amber: 😂 we don't spend our days having beauty and talent contests but if I do speak out I'll suggest it over the campfire Amber: my name isn't who I am, is yours? 🚀🌠 Cosmo: Sure being humble and selfless is in the indoctrination but give it a go Cosmo: those 20s won will all add up for you Cosmo: and I go by my last name Amber: flattery & letters, you're a patron of all the dying arts, boy Cosmo: Someone's got to Amber: valiant Cosmo: If you like Cosmo: you won't be getting the letters though, this rate Amber: don't you like compliments back? Amber: I'll use a 🖋 if you prefer Cosmo: Genuine ones, perhaps Amber: you're not too busy for genuine connection? Cosmo: awfully presumptuous for someone who only knows where I live Cosmo: touche Amber: I know your name too Amber: & what you look like Cosmo: You won't tell me yours Cosmo: it can't be much worse Amber: It's Amber and up to you how you rate it Amber: some of my roommates have it worse, or better, subjectively Cosmo: Its normal Cosmo: you won the hippie lottery Amber: but maybe I'd commit more fully if I was called Acorn Amber: love my life Cosmo: maybe you'd resent it even harder and change it to something really dull just to spite them Amber: Or go by my last name, little 🐦 told me some people do that 😏 Cosmo: Long as any siblings you've got love their stupid name Cosmo: why not, eh Amber: I don't have any Amber: officially Cosmo: Piss off Cosmo: why are you like princess of that place Amber: I have no idea what you mean Amber: if anyone is,  Lux is Cosmo: You get a normal name AND you don't have 17 brothers and sisters Cosmo: you're one of the murderers on the run then, yeah? Amber: we covered that I'm no crazy ex Amber: my dad's a teacher, he teaches the ones who don't go to school Cosmo: figures Amber: what's the equation? you haven't shown any of your working out Cosmo: exactly Cosmo: that's why you're not exactly like the others I've 👀 Cosmo: 🍎📚 Amber: are you 'not like other girls' ing me or calling me a 🤓? Cosmo: You can have 'not like other girls I've met on the landing' Amber: am I supposed to want that? Amber: maybe this is a 'ask me how many other girls I've met on the landing' lead in Cosmo: Why would you need to ask? Cosmo: compare notes around the campfire Amber: it doesn't interest me Cosmo: Gutted for him Amber: how much more flattery can I take Cosmo: Maybe a question for yourself Cosmo: definitely not for me Amber: you're offering it up Amber: you're not gonna question that? Cosmo: I've got manners Cosmo: you can question why that's so shocking to you but I ain't gonna put a downer on your day now you got your bag of sunshine back Amber: the answer is because if you had manners you wouldn't have run away from me when I was going feral on your brothers belongings Cosmo: I don't owe his stuff any more than I owe you Cosmo: there's manners then there's involving yourself in business that ain't yours Cosmo: which is rude, btw Amber: I was upset & you ignored it, that's ruder btw Cosmo: He upsets lots of people Cosmo: I can't console you all Cosmo: I'm sure he'll be at yours if you need to talk it out Cosmo: or just smack him, better yet Amber: we aren't allowed to resort to violence to resolve our conflicts Amber: I came to Hotel Calfornia looking for him for that precise reason Cosmo: you're welcome to wait Cosmo: can never leave that one, yeah Cosmo: he'll be back for snacks at some point Amber: I got a better resolution, my shit back Cosmo: like I said, I am genuinely glad for you Cosmo: and I also said, you shouldn't bother being upset about him Amber: I'm not upset about him, that's why I'm not waiting for him Cosmo: What's wrong Amber: I don't like being stolen from, we share, we don't just take Cosmo: He's not from there Cosmo: and he's also a prick Cosmo: just tell all your other hippie mates and they'll not feel like sharing with him any time soon, easy Amber: he's there more than I am, he knows how things are Amber: & I'm not a teacher Cosmo: bold of you to assume he cares Cosmo: this ain't actually a hotel either, let you in on that shocker Cosmo: just treats it as such Amber: I'm not so high I see more dots than there are to connect Amber: you're easy to follow Amber: so is he Cosmo: If that's riddle for normie Cosmo: I've never been less offended, sorry Amber: if I wanted to offend you I'd have looked through your room after his Cosmo: what do you want Amber: something to do Cosmo: Do you wanna get back at him or no Amber: are you gonna out me to the hippies if I say yes? Cosmo: You've never seen me there Cosmo: you don't need to worry Amber: not worried, I'm curious Cosmo: right answer Cosmo: come back here and I'll help you this time, alright Cosmo: but not now, I have training Cosmo: later Amber: call my name when you're done Amber: now you know it Cosmo: alright Cosmo: if 12 other girls come out too, not my fault Amber: 😂 Amber: they won't look anything like me if they do Amber: we'll track each other down Cosmo: Hottest girl in the commune, I remember Cosmo: don't need to kick it that old school and insist on glass slippers Amber: what you should remember is I won the hippie lottery Amber: only Amber at the commune Amber: so if you find any others they'll be 'normal' Cosmo: quote unquote Cosmo: anyone who willingly spends their time there without reason is weirder than being born there Amber: I wasn't born there Amber: & you're being a bigger prick than your brother Cosmo: dragged there by your parents, same difference Amber: that's their reason for being there, they don't make me stay Amber: they don't make me do anything Cosmo: sure Amber: it's not the horriblest place I've lived, why is that so 👽 to you? Cosmo: Kids don't have free will when it comes to their parents Cosmo: mine don't MAKE me live here but where else Amber: I have more than most Cosmo: I already said sure Amber: but it's heavy with disbelief Cosmo: because its not real Amber: I'll send you a postcard as tangible proof when I go back to travelling & they stay here Cosmo: I'll pretend I'm impressed Amber: are we trying to impress each other now? Cosmo: Do you think you're being impressive Amber: no Cosmo: Good Amber: what are you training for? Cosmo: football Cosmo: I'm a footballer Amber: let me guess, you're the one who scores all the goals Amber: whatever that's called Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: girls don't fuck with the goalie Cosmo: but I ain't ours Cosmo: even though its equally as important, if you ask him 😏 Amber: plenty more girls don't care what position a boy plays in Amber: or if he plays Cosmo: girls you know Cosmo: not ones I need to Amber: girls existing all over the world Amber: because there is a 🌏 beyond the commune, in spite of how obsessed you are with it Cosmo: called the world cup, look it up Cosmo: nothing unites the world more than football, fact Cosmo: ain't peace and love Amber: research football hooligans Amber: 👶s are made but domestic violence spikes if you lose Cosmo: part of it Cosmo: war is the other great equalizer, fightings the good bit of, obviously Amber: conversion to your way of thinking isn't necessary Cosmo: I'm right Cosmo: its irrelevant what you think Amber: I'm not looking for deprogramming & reprogramming Cosmo: Your loss Amber: 🙃 Cosmo: 👍 Cosmo: later Amber: call me, Cosmo 💫 Cosmo: don't call me that, like Amber: this is where if I was you, I'd say don't get upset Cosmo: I told you that's not my name Amber: what do you want me to call you? Cosmo: You seriously don't know his last name Cosmo: Christ Amber: why would I? he wasn't offering to give it to me Cosmo: 🙄 Cosmo: its Haynes Amber: 👌 Cosmo: [however long you have to train for, probably a full day] Cosmo: you about, Amber Amber: I thought you'd forgotten about me Cosmo: How could I Cosmo: how bad do you wanna mess with him then, what's the level here Amber: I don't want him to think I'm 💔 Cosmo: 'Course Cosmo: I've got an idea then Cosmo: you want to come back or you want me to 📬 you the goods Amber: are you gonna also send me 💌 with it? Cosmo: does that change your answer? Amber: yes Cosmo: I thought you'd had enough flattery for one day Amber: that was before you ignored me for a really long time Cosmo: 😂 Cosmo: you're funny Amber: 🤭 Cosmo: do you know what this is? Cosmo: [sends her a picture of a small ass/specialist spanner used for skateboard wheels] Amber: 🛹🔧 Cosmo: exactly Cosmo: so its just a case of if you wanna do the honours or not really Amber: I'll be there Cosmo: I won't start without you Cosmo: you can be more creative with your hiding places than he was too, not hard Amber: considerate Amber: I won't make you wait as long as you did me Cosmo: do most girls not like to be kept waiting too then Amber: it was you who singled me out as different Amber: 🕊☮️✌👽 Cosmo: comes with the territory Cosmo: but I could be beating women and rioting so you know Amber: 🌟 for not Cosmo: backatcha for being the only Amber Amber: I didn't choose my name, you know Amber: you'll have to give my mama that one Cosmo: 💔 so much for freedom Cosmo: take your wins, remember Amber: nobody can walk when they're a 👶 Amber: remember your manners Cosmo: you bringing her with then Cosmo: bit weird but fine Amber: you gonna flatter her too? Cosmo: 🌟 all 'round Amber: then no because her committed relationship would crumble & it'd be my fault for bringing her to the hotel Cosmo: hardly, I'm a prick, right Cosmo: and define committed whilst you're at it Amber: it's not up to me to define what she means by committed or to judge if she's into pricks young enough to be her son Cosmo: considerate Amber: 🤫 because I don't have 17 siblings or 4 fathers doesn't mean my mama is for you, boy Cosmo: the MILF thing is played out Cosmo: not for me Amber: 🌟🌟 Cosmo: cheers Amber: I understand why when he's at the commune, he stays Amber: it's a long way back to the hotel Cosmo: you reckon that's it Amber: do you have a pool? Cosmo: why would we Amber: he can't skate on water so that's another negative Amber: if you did Amber: & most hotels do Cosmo: yeah, for the 2 days a year the sun's out Cosmo: he'll have to learn to snowboard on it 'cos more likely Amber: you don't have to wait for the sun to come out to go swimming Cosmo: stitch that one on a pillow Amber: I'll leave it on your bed for you when I'm done Cosmo: you just that fast or you make a habit of breaking in? Amber: you don't want me in your pool or your room Amber: unfriendly Cosmo: 😏 Cosmo: gutted, obviously Cosmo: come in the front door this time, let's start there Amber: if you insist Cosmo: just thinking of my parents guttering Amber: are you calling me fat now? Cosmo: Oh yeah Cosmo: you're tiny, don't be dumb Amber: maybe you're playing blind football, I don't know your life Cosmo: I ignored you, I still 👀 you Cosmo: sorry to break it to you Amber: do you want that on the other side of the pillow? Cosmo: go on Amber: I'll just stitch some 👀s and freak you out Amber: the stalker in me Cosmo: 😍 more appropriate Amber: after you go swimming with me maybe Cosmo: got nothing more than a bathtub here, I weren't lying Amber: how big is it? Cosmo: you won't be able to do laps Amber: we'll have to float instead Cosmo: alright 😂 Amber: how long can you hold your breath for? Cosmo: I dunno Cosmo: but probably ages, my cardio is top Cosmo: how 'bout you Amber: we'll find out Cosmo: after floating Cosmo: gotcha Amber: or before Amber: I'm not setting a strict routine Cosmo: 😶 Cosmo: that's hippie talk Amber: that's what I am, boy Amber: more or less Cosmo: it don't matter what you are Cosmo: we've just got a common enemy Amber: you're being unfriendly again Cosmo: how am I? Amber: don't say I don't matter Cosmo: you understood what I meant Cosmo: just to each other Amber: that's not being stitched anywhere Cosmo: I will need another pillow like Cosmo: can't just have one Cosmo: but take your time Amber: 😏 Amber: what do you want on pillow 2? sequels are never as good Cosmo: I know, I'm the original Cosmo: does your wisdom start and end with the one quote then Cosmo: got the eyes, you may as well give me the rest Amber: my whole face isn't what you wanna be looking at every night before you go to sleep Amber: you never would Cosmo: come off it Amber: I'm an original too Amber: & the commune's hottest unless you're gonna take that back suddenly Cosmo: Not met everyone but I'd happily bet on it Amber: come meet everyone Cosmo: why Cosmo: didn't actually put a 💸 on that, if you're hiding some supermodel there for ransom Amber: because you won't find out if you don't Cosmo: I'll live, like Cosmo: tah for the offer Amber: what's your hang up with the place? Cosmo: anywhere my brother, or people like him, is, is not a place I need to be Amber: it's big enough that you can exist on opposite ends Cosmo: still Cosmo: not my scene Amber: when did you last go? Cosmo: I dunno, whenever I was last forced for some family birthday Amber: give it another 🎯 now you've been invited Cosmo: I still don't get what it is to you Cosmo: I like clubs Cosmo: and drinking over weed any day but not every day 'cos I have to stay in regime all week at least Amber: I don't get why you're so 🚫 Amber: Dash isn't gonna stop me being there Cosmo: I don't get why you care Cosmo: not the spokesperson you said Cosmo: I'm not ripe for indoctrinating, I'm good Amber: because don't you think you're too old for sibling rivalry Cosmo: There's no rivalry Cosmo: we don't like each other Cosmo: he's a loser and happy being it Amber: whatever you wanna call it, more played out than milfs Amber: it's like the kids here who draw a line down their section of the room Cosmo: I didn't ask for you opinion Amber: you don't have to be mad about it because you didn't ask for it Cosmo: I can be mad because its unwarranted and you have no idea what you're giving your opinion on Amber: I'll give you an apology if you'll take it Cosmo: whatever Cosmo: just come do what you need to do Amber: I just wanted to see you around, I didn't mean to go hard into prying into your shit Amber: sorry Cosmo: no harm done Cosmo: don't worry Amber: it's not been a typical day Amber: I know I wear stalker well but not my usual colours Cosmo: I get it Cosmo: I do know him even if I'd prefer not to Cosmo: and even if I don't know you Cosmo: no biggie Amber: that unites us if ⚽ never will Cosmo: Right 😏 Cosmo: I weren't taking the piss when I said you were different to the rest Cosmo: even if I didn't mean it as lame as it sounded Cosmo: don't feel bad, yeah Amber: shouldn't I? if I'm different then why didn't I act different Cosmo: We all make mistakes Cosmo: you don't have to be a repeat offender, you know Amber: that's less likely than the skateboarding on water trick Amber: he wouldn't offer & I wouldn't accept Cosmo: Good to know but bit TMI Amber: sorry again Cosmo: don't mention it Cosmo: seriously, like Amber: 😶 Cosmo: 👍 Cosmo: he's an idiot Amber: the way everyone talks about him, I thought Amber: we'd click Cosmo: Didn't you Cosmo: nah Cosmo: well, there's plenty other people 'round to be mates with instead Cosmo: one plus of living there, surely Amber: it's the best thing about living there Cosmo: there you go then Cosmo: and you clearly don't need any help with lads Cosmo: forget him Amber: after this Cosmo: well, of course Cosmo: not even stalker moves, just fair Amber: if you'd let me use the window it could be both Cosmo: would you like it to be both Cosmo: won't tell but I can't vouch for the neighbours Amber: you don't want your neighbours thinking I'm sleeping my way through the family Amber: understandable because you'd be 2nd Cosmo: Hilarious Cosmo: and you wouldn't want to break up my parent's stable committed relationship would you Amber: no Cosmo: I wouldn't recommend either of them and all so fairplay Amber: it'd be bizarre if you did Cosmo: you got limits then Cosmo: good to know Amber: because I consent to live with a big group of hippies you assume I don't? Amber: some of them are very limited Amber: or is it because I slept with your brother once? Cosmo: I'm not assuming anything Cosmo: that's why I said, always handy to know Cosmo: and you said you'd shut up so do Amber: have another go at asking me to & I will Cosmo: you don't get it, 'cos you're an only child Cosmo: but there's nothing I'd like to talk about less Amber: you still don't get to tell me to shut up Cosmo: If you wanna talk about him piping you, go literally anywhere else, I don't care Cosmo: I don't wanna hear it Amber: I don't wanna talk about it but I don't want you to talk to me like that either Cosmo: You stop, I'll stop Cosmo: that works in both our favours Amber: agreed Cosmo: sorted Amber: let me in & it soon can be Cosmo: 👌 Amber: [just gonna walk up in your house like she owns it] Cosmo: [doing the after you motion like 'you know where it is'] Amber: [going there cos she do] Cosmo: [following 'cos you've committed now not gonna bail, assumedly found all boards he has so more of a fuck you moment, just sitting on his bed like awks] Amber: [sitting on the floor because doesn't wanna sit on his bed for obvs reasons even if he hadn't already claimed it and getting to work but lbr she'd struggle to get some of the wheels off cos you can't tell me she's got any strength at all, look at her, so just looking at him like help] Cosmo: [shaking his head like lol but lowers himself to the floor too to get the rest off] Amber: [kissing him on the cheek when he's done it like thanks] Cosmo: [😳 and pushing her away, gently lol, like get off and just focusing on their handiwork like well 'what you gonna do with 'em all?'] Amber: [is genuinely thinking 'other than putting one on a necklace, you mean?'] Cosmo: [🙄 but not so severe 'you know they cost loads, for what they are, not joking, probably some other stoner kids you can sell 'em to'] Amber: ['there's plenty of younger skaters I know I can give them to' because what does she need money for tbh] Cosmo: ['cute' but 😒 on the low 'maybe someone can use them in a fucking, what's the word- installation'] Amber: [just nodding because another good idea thanks even if you're being salty] Cosmo: [on his phone a bit 'cos what else, also how else are you casually gonna add 'so you DON'T want me to punch him?'] Amber: [gathering up all the wheels to put in her bag because let's assume there's loads 'you said you're not assuming shit, I only said I'll get in it if I do at home'] Cosmo: [nods 😏 and hands her one that rolled away 'so what is part two of the plan?'] Amber: [shrugs like I'm not gonna tell you what to do about your brother again, lesson learned, but then looks at him for confusion because why do they need a part two 'a theft for a theft makes me and Dash even'] Cosmo: ['boring' and getting up like well if you're not gonna hit him] Amber: [gets up herself 'which door's the bathroom? we've still got plans' and does the swimming arms thing like come on] Cosmo: [laughs 'cos obviously didn't and doesn't think she's serious] Amber: [goes to find it herself because we know she is] Cosmo: [following and directing her away from his room like nope wrong way] Amber: [finds that 🛁 and sets it running and casually strips to her undies like it's no thing cos how she's been raised its not] Cosmo: [just turning so fast like horrified lmao 'what are you doing?!'] Amber: [sitting on the edge waiting for that fill like 'I spelled it out' looking at him like what's confusing you here we discussed it] Cosmo: [just looking back but only at her face to be like wtf] Amber: [goes to put her head under all 😏 but more amused than that emoji ever is 'time me' and then does holding her breath for however long she can] Cosmo: [is all 'for god's sake' under his breath but does still, also shutting the door though I assume they aren't in lol] Amber: [accidentally flicking so much water at him when she comes back up cos her braids are long af and loling like oh soz but obvs not] Cosmo: [so 😑 'are you done now or what?'] Amber: ['how long was it?' looking at him genuinely curious to know] Cosmo: [whatever number 'round about makes sense 'cos idk 'you need a baseline to know if its good or bad otherwise its meaningless data'] Amber: ['I wanna know if I'm better or worse than you, so have your go'] Cosmo: [a face like seriously but does 'cos competitive and 'I'm obviously going to be better, you could've saved yourself the effort' whilst taking whatever clothes he has on off] Amber: [just smiling cos what effort we're having a lovely time you rude hoe] Cosmo: [shakes his head but less mad than before 'don't cheat' and going under] Amber: [we all know he's gonna be better but that's hardly the point actually] Cosmo: [casually staying under 'til you nearly die, a mood, not even asking just like 😏 at her] Amber: [getting in the tub and lying down on her back stretched out like boy I am not bothered] Cosmo: ['if you just wanted to use the facilities, like...' and getting a towel to dry his face and hair] Amber: ['it's a hotel if I want, is it?' just being a mermaid over here like don't mind her] Cosmo: ['wait 'til I give you the bill' and taking the chance to look at her via the mirror] Amber: ['let me guess, am I gonna have to sell the wheels to afford it?' just loling] Cosmo: ['not in the market for a shit ton of squashes so you can't barter your way out'] Amber: [splashes him like rude but not actually offended obvs] Cosmo: ['oi' and drying himself some more like 'scuse me 'offer something better if you have it'] Amber: ['if it's too cold for you, I can add some more hot water' and does 'you've got plenty of that on offer, unlike the farm and plenty of other places I've lived'] Cosmo: ['you should've just asked if you needed a bath, like'] Amber: [splashes him harder than before like stop being mean to me] Cosmo: [a look like you said it and dropping the towel he was holding to mop the floor pointedly] Amber: [a look back like don't kill my vibe I'm having fun here] Cosmo: ['manners'] Amber: [gestures like his 'after you' one he did earlier for him to get in with her] Cosmo: [shakes his head 'small as you are, I barely fit on my own'] Amber: [looks him up and down like she's not even considered that he might not fit with a small lil pouty lip moment for half a sec before smiling 'is that a pro or a con for footballers?'] Cosmo: [just looking at her lips like can you not 'cos obviously wants to but is not going to, good distraction with football chat 'not essential but I'm faster than any short lad obviously, so that helps whatever position they wanna put me in'] Amber: ['but are you a scorer, officially?' when you think that's what they are called bye] Cosmo: [laughing but not at 'cos cute 'yeah, basically its me and the centre-forward, so his job is to just score the goals, which is mine too, but I also set him up with goals and do more attack midfielding too, like the go-between, s'more interesting' shrugs 'cos you know you're gonna have lost her and you're used to that 'cos WAGs don't actually care about the game either lol 'I'm fast, so I can be in two places at once, better than lads that only know one position and then are fucked if the formation is changed'] Amber: ['why can't every player help each other on the team how you do instead of having specific roles that they're really zoned into?'] Cosmo: [when you ain't expecting a follow-up question like oh okay 👀 'well, if we all do our role, then we work as a team like a whole, one being, so I can't fully go into midfield and do their defending side of it, and if I'm with the defenders I ain't where I need to be to pass the ball to goal, right? Like if the goalie decided he wanted to score, if we lose the ball, who's stopping it? If we all tried to do all of it, you've got 22 lads on a ball, the game falls apart, like. If everyone gets their one part down perfect, then the game is ours' pauses, trying to think of an example of his limited knowledge of her atm 'like your dad's the teacher, yeah? if he goes and does a half-arsed job of something else, then someone else has to half-arse the teaching whilst he's gone and then you end up with a shitter result than if you'd all done what you was meant to...you get brought to a team for a specific thing, so if you ain't bringing it, they'll bench you, but the more positions you're capable in, the more they can move you around...' stops sheepishly like sorry] Amber: [when you're buzzing cos he didn't make fun of you and that actually made sense and he'd be able to tell 'do they ever ask you where you wanna play though? when you start, or does the manager just decide for everyone?'] Cosmo: ['sort of. see, when you play proper, not just a local five-a-side, you work out when you're really young what position you're best in, or at least the area, even if you move about a bit within that area, like I've always been more attack than defense since I could walk- s'like any career honestly, so if your da was a maths teacher at one school, he'd more likely go to his next and do the same, you can change but you've built up a rep for that positon, you aren't gonna just waltz in and say you want a different one just 'cos, you have to prove yourself, like anything' when you feel like you're talking about yourself so much 'cos not allowed unless its with other boys at school/on the team so that's basically like work chat with colleagues 'you go same school as Dash and that then?'] Amber: [genuinely interested because wouldn't have thought about it like a career before and again it'd be obvious she's not just nodding along bored or whatever 'my dad doesn't like to let the class sizes get too big' because in my head there's lowkey too many peeps living at the commune full time never mind the peeps who come and go 'so when we got here I enrolled myself same day, takes the pressure off'] Cosmo: [that feels real to me as a vibe right before it all goes downhill 'that's good, though I'm sure it don't feel like you get much more attention' 'cos schools are always rammed esp. in cities] Amber: ['I don't want it' because I feel like she's not that academic soz father] Cosmo: ['what do you wanna do after?'] Amber: [shrugs because probably wouldn't know at this point 'undecided'] Cosmo: [wouldn't wanna sound salty about it 'cos that's most people but ultimately is 'cos not an option when you need to start as a toddler if you wanna do footie 'must be nice' half-smiles to show he's not being the rudest] Amber: ['I could become a referee, run into you again that way' also smiling but fully because obvs not gonna do that but like boy I wanna see you take the hint] Cosmo: [😏 'I reckon the songs the hippie boys write for you are more favourable than what you'd get as a ref but you'd suit the stripes'] Amber: [another pout that quickly turns into a smile because ultimately true] Cosmo: [a LOOK that's like stop doing that] Amber: [a look back because there will never be a time when I don't] Cosmo: ['you ever getting out or what, Ariel?' and running his hands through the water, making a point of getting SO close to touching her but not quite] Amber: [when you shiver but we can pretend it's because you're in the tub even though we all know you put hot water in not long ago] Cosmo: [but its more noticeable 'cos you didn't reply so another 😏 moment, going to his room without saying anything like bye but coming back with a dressing gown like there you go] Amber: [getting out immediately and putting it on like he might take it away again if I don't and I wanna wear it cos it's his so] Cosmo: [gonna drown in fabric and look so cute bye] Amber: [taking off those wet undergarments like you can't see anything but I'm now naked under this so think about that but also because it's necessary or you'll never dry] Cosmo: [just dying 'cos what are you gonna do with this obvious moment like umm] Amber: [walking out of the bathroom like it's so casual and throwing the words over your shoulder as you go downstairs to explore like 'where's the hotel bar?'] Cosmo: [let's assume you've got a few bottles of something decent in your top cupboard, when you don't need a chair 'cos tol boy, just getting out some vodka like ?] Amber: [going to the fridge to get something to mix it with cos there's no need to drink it straight we're not going that hard] Cosmo: [just leaning casually watching like okay, go off] Amber: [handing it to him as if he's the barman and walking away to go get comfy on their sofa, put music on and generally act like you live here] Cosmo: [bemused af 'how often do you do this then?' and getting himself some of whatever mixer she used] Amber: ['I never stay in hotels' because true tbh] Cosmo: ['well yeah but I could be anyone, you know' makes a face like 🤪] Amber: ['you could be someone too' and a look cos we all know what she means by that flirty nonsense] Cosmo: ['you gonna stay 'til you work it out?' and coming over to sit down 'cos just been hovering in the kitchen] Amber: [stretching out and putting her feet on him even though she's smol cos there's the answer she's going nowhere any time soon] Cosmo: [just looking down at them then looking back up at her, not saying anything but not not saying nothing you know] Amber: [drinking her drink but in a contented way and lowkey grooving to whatever music she put on] Cosmo: [when she's so cute in a way you are not used to 'cos girls you are like never get comfortable around you never let their guard down get up before you to reapply makeup types so you feel so outta your depth but not mad about it either] Amber: ['thank you, by the way' cos you remember you haven't actually said anything about him helping you earlier] Cosmo: [when you're a bit ? 'cos not sure what she's referring to at first but then you realize and shrug 'he deserves it, no big'] Amber: [nudging him with your foot like oi don't downplay it cos it means something to you even if he didn't do it for you] Cosmo: [grabbing her foot and tickling it to see if she is] Amber: [isn't so just raising her eyebrow at him like oh really] Cosmo: ['you're definitely an alien'] Amber: [laughs at that though 'plenty of people aren't ticklish, you know'] Cosmo: [shakes head 'sounds fake, hippie'] Amber: ['it'd be bogus if I did this-' reacts like a ticklish bitch how he obvs wanted her to] Cosmo: ['sometimes its polite to fake it, you know' throwing a pillow or something at her] Amber: ['whatever girl told you she was doing it to be polite...' throws it back 'that was not the real vibe'] Cosmo: ['shut up, that's not what I meant' purposefully throwing it out of her reach] Amber: [such a pout so offended] Cosmo: ['boys can fake it too, you with your assumptions'] Amber: ['I didn't realise we were waiting on your really polite boyfriend to come home, but I'll let you two be alone for the awkward discussion of why he really faked it'] Cosmo: [pushes her feet off him and gets up to go back upstairs] Amber: [just looking at him like what?] Cosmo: ['you know where the door is when you're done then' looks back 'or the window, whatever'] Amber: ['why are you so angry about anything I said that you want me to be done?'] Cosmo: ['I'm just bored of the jokes, you don't know me like that- like this' gestures between them and then does a 'forget about it' motion] Amber: [finishes her drink and goes into the kitchen to wash and dry the glass like fine I'm getting ready to go] Cosmo: [in his room, I guess] Amber: [shall I get Dash back rn or do we wanna coax him back first?] Cosmo: [whatever feels realer to you tbh] Amber: [let's get him back then fuck it, bonus points if there's a back door in the kitchen he comes through and she's just there washing up in a dressing gown like #ohhey] Cosmo: [how hilariously domestic, and you can't think she's waiting for you in your brother's dressing gown so bye] Amber: [I'm cackling but I'm not cos he'd be such a dick] Cosmo: [now I'm like, hmm, he's probably loud enough for you to hear, do you come down and diffuse/detract attention, I say yes] Amber: [just don't punch him cos then it will look like you're a couple lol] Cosmo: [just be your usual fighty selves and run girl run I say] Amber: [she'd have literally just been like I came back to get my stash and the rest is none of your business which doesn't exactly help so go back to the bathroom and put your clothes on girl] Cosmo: [just doing your best to not start a brawl here] Amber: [coming back clothed after a hot sec and giving him his dressing gown back with a genuine smile because you had fun and you're not sorry]