#would depend on the circumstances. i think - lets be nice - her first instinct would be to back off and apologise

[kedreeva]

on the topic of peafowl play, would/do peafowl enjoy those pet puzzle toys? would they have the patience or interest to complete 1 outside of food motivation? i don't know why but i always imagine peafowl as the brilliant but lazy types and i wonder if that headcanon of mine has any plausibility lol

I gave my peafowl one of those chicken treat puzzles (this one) which they are supposed to peck/scratch at and roll around, which drops scratch grain slowly on the ground and gives them something to do until it is empty. It's basically two yellow bowls bungee-corded together by a single cord on the inside, anchored at that little black nub. You fill one half, and then "seal" it as a ball- but it's not clipped together or anything, just bungee tension holds it together.

I set it down for Aris for the first time, and rolled it so she could see it had scratch in it that would fall out. She pecked it once, examined it for roughly 10 seconds, and then grabbed it by the little black nub, and shook the hell out of it, bursting it open and flinging scratch all over the pen. She dropped it and everyone went about their business eating the scratch.

I taught Eris how to press buttons to "speak" to me; she had a few treat buttons, a food button, a water button, and some Word word buttons like "want" and "Eris" and "yes" and "no." She used them to argue with me and make fun of me for forgetting to put water in her wet food one day.

I gave Bug toilet paper rolls with holes cut in them, stuffed with paper towels and superworms. She learned to pull the paper towel out almost immediately. She gets a bowl of fresh foods when she goes into her pen in the mornings, and it started with me walking in and coaxing or carrying her in. Now she goes and waits on the perch where I put the bowl. I give anything leftover she didn't eat to the barn crew, so when I go to collect her in the evening, Polaris and Opal are usually waiting on the table where I put the bowl.

I bring Artemis indoors to do paintings with her, and she knows the order is indoors->bath->dry off->painting+treats, so if I bring her in, and she gets a bath, and I wait too long in the drying off, she will start scolding me until we start painting.

If I let the birds out of their pens, they get free range time while I'm outside. When I call "hup hup!" loudly and repeatedly, they all start walking back to the coops. Many of them know up commands. Artemis and Bug have both learned to put their trains up if I ask (and that's a no-treat trick, they just do it). Beep knew "ask nicely" when she wanted something (which is what led to me training Eris with the buttons), so she would scrape her beak on me if she wanted something. Beep also played with a lot of different toys.

I guess the point is that they are pretty smart birds, given a chance and good circumstances. They can be incredibly stupid, too, but the majority of them are pretty smart most of the time. But they don't have a lot of patience for things that are not either immediately rewarding or that they choose to focus on. Beep once spent an hour trying to get the button off my jeans, but if you offer Bug a mouse and move it away before she can get it, she'll usually just stop caring. If you give a treat to one bird, they might snub it, but they'll kill a man for it if someone else gets it and acts like it's good.

So COULD they become interested in a pet puzzle and possibly solve one? Maybe? It really just depends on what's in it for them, and/or how interested someone else is, and/or if they think it's their idea. They don't really have a lot of grabbing strength in their beaks, so that factors in, too. They do NOT like to peck hard things.

They DO like to destroy stuff though. If you could make an edible tissue box, they would absolutely lose their shit about it. Every peafowl I've ever owned LOVES tearing tissues out of a tissue box and ripping tissues to shreds to try to eat. Don't know what that's about. Leftover raptor instincts to disembowel things, I guess.

[hapigairu]

I don't think it's talked about enough how much the power of fear plays in some of the events of 3H. Agarthans attacked Sothis out of fear of a prophecy that they were going to be wiped out by her (not realizing that their own actions caused it in the first place), and Jeralt runs away from the monastery with Byleth out of fear of Rhea and the church (only for him to realize there was no reason to run away from the monastery 20 or so years later and he was likely wrong). There's probably more examples but yeah.

Oh, absolutely! It's a nice and interesting touch that they added this in the game, in that some, hm... bad things did happen out of fear in our history. (ex: one of the reasons the US pushed for Hawai'i's annexation was because they feared Japan would take over... What's that? What about the native Hawaiian? Eh, who cares about these lazy, uncivilised simpletons /s) And you could argue that Edelgard uses this by rallying people to her side, like when she sends out her manifesto in Houses or when she sends a letter to Clod in Hopes. Y'know, when Shez says about Rhea and Seteth "Those two aren't what they seem to be. If what the Empire says is true, that is." (Sending an envoy to the Kingdom so that Clod could ask "those two" directly? No, that's too smart, let's kill them instead over what they might be or do!) I think the reason it's not talked much if at all, is that, from my understanding, some people will instinctively pin the blame on the party that the other party feared. Instead of acknowledging that these characters' reactions might be irrational and the actions they take disproportionate, it's easier to point fingers at the Nabateans in general, ig. Like, the Agarthans destroying lands and killing people because they were afraid of retribution (for having "spilled too much of the blood of life", mind you)? That's because Sothis was a cruel monster or something. Jeralt running away from Rhea after what happened to Sitri? Well, duh. Rhea is an awful person all around and she made Sitri's frail life a living hell and killed her so that her child could survive. Never mind that Sitri never seemed unhappy at the monastery, that she literally asked Rhea to save her child... oh and, you know, the fact that Rhea saved Jeralt's life, gave him a stable and prestigious job... And I'm not saying Rhea's actions aren't questionable, but c'mon... if Rhea was such a callous villain, she'd have killed Sitri as soon as she found out that she couldn't host Sothis. Instead, she loved and treated her like her own daughter. That said, I do get why Jeralt would react this way, at least at first. He just lost the woman he loves and he isn't aware of the circumstances, just that Rhea was involved. (And I think he was a bit wary of her already? I don't remember) So, however disproportionate his actions were, they're understandable somewhat. Funnily enough though, some people will say that the Kingdom will fight against the Empire out of fear therefore Kingdom bad... So I guess it depends on who we're talking about? And in most cases, if it involves a Nabatean, it's their fault. Not something more complex that'd take into account each character's perspective, etc.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

Coming off the fae thing, realised something often underutilised with Missy is the Master’s hypnotism/mental influence etc. ((not writing your story obv. but just imagined missy pulling this with yaz, but deliberately laying it on thick enough to notice, then yaz realising 13 has 100% used this to win arguments with her before lol))

ohhhhhhh my god juicy

i keep calling it telepathy but i think it's a little more than that but ive got missy in yaz's brain making her see and feel and understand things in multiple scenes in multiple ways, mostly consensual, and mostly making it deliberately obvious so yaz notices bc thats part of the game; 'yasmin look at me poking your brain imagine what more i could do with this power' but i hadnt thought of yaz then actually imagining what more she could do with that power and turning to 13 like wait a minute. missed an opportunity to make 13 worse dammit

you dont mind if i try to find a way to still get this in somewhere do you?

thinking out loud now feel free to tune out but 13's disadvantage here is that im pretty sure missy can get in someone's brain and move stuff around and get out and never be noticed. she makes herself noticeable to yaz. i dont think doctor headbutt telepathy can do it unnoticed. if she has been doing this for two seasons then the only reasons she hasnt been caught is because

1) the fam probably wouldnt think to blame something outside of themself when they did something that confused them or when they change their mind about something and then later go 'wait why did i change my mind, i change my mind back' or when their memories go a bit wonky

and 2) if it did get egregious enough that they would be like 'okay this is definitely not age/illness/trauma/grief, this is something else messing with me' the first thing they would think to blame was something alien, not the doctor. they would be like 'alien parasite' or 'planet that messes with people's heads', you know?

especially because i dont think that before 12x7 she ever gave any indication that she could do something that directly mind controlly? not 100% sure on that though

[tsarisfanfiction]

Don’t Hesitate (Ensnarled 2)

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort Characters: Colonel Casey, Scott

Well, it turns out that @whumptober-archive’s prompts for day two lent themselves very nicely to a part two for yesterday’s entry, so we have a continuation, using the prompt choking from Talking Is Overrated (and arguably an interpretation of garotte as well).  Once again, this fic may continue further depending on if any other whumptober 2021 prompts fit!

(I am using @gumnut-logic’s first name ‘Val’ for Col. Casey)

<< Ensnarled

It had been too good to be true.  A chance to capture one half of the Chaos Crew for good.  Colonel Casey had known there would be a trap involved; Havoc was too smart, too cunning, not to have something up her sleeve, but there had been no choice. If they let opportunities like this slip through their fingers, the GDF would lose whatever face it had with the public.

Her team had been briefed thoroughly: proceed with caution but don’t hesitate.  No matter what Havoc threw at them, they had to catch the woman.

How Scott had ended up involved, how Havoc had captured Scott, she had no idea.  That had been lightyears out of the realms of their expectations, but in the end, it couldn’t change anything.  Havoc’s demands couldn’t be met, she had to be caught, and the Colonel’s own orders to not hesitate had come back to bite her hard.

With the barbed wire coiled menacing around his neck, which the young man was clearly doing everything in his limited power to evade, Havoc’s threat was clear: she wasn’t playing around.

The GDF didn’t play around, either.  Scott was important, both to Val personally and to the world at large, but he was only one man.  Only one Tracy.

Her heart shrieked apologies to Jeff as she sacrificed his eldest son.

The noise was sickening, flesh pierced by metal and a choked-off gargle of pain as Scott’s head came down and the barbed wire went in.

A moment was wasted as instincts – the instincts of the godmother, the honorary aunt, not the Colonel she had to be – drove her to cry out his name, but she’d drilled her team well.

No hesitations.

Gunfire rang out, sharp cracks as bullets rushed through the air to the space Havoc occupied, but the woman was crafty and highly skilled in evasion.  Her hostage situation failed, she cut and ran.

“Get her!” the Colonel barked, even as Val was moving forwards, towards the rasping, struggling young man.

“Yes, Ma’am!” came the automatic response.  She trusted them to do what they could without her; she had a life to save.

Scott was still conscious when her knees hit the ground before him, but the way he was thrashing around, trying to get free but just tearing more and more of his skin apart on both his throat and wrists, told her that rational thinking had fled, leaving little more than the instincts of a snared animal.

He was going to kill himself if he kept this up.

Val felt sick as she reached out and gripped his head, pinning it in place in a cruel mimicry of Havoc’s own actions.  Bloodstained metal disappeared into flesh, scrapes and tears criss-crossing his skin at random where the cruel barbs had sunk in and moved against his thrashing. The collar of his flight suit went high, but not high enough to protect him from this.

Scott fought against her grip, still trying to jerk away from the barbs hooked in his skin as alarming choking noises came from his throat.

Val wasn’t a nurturing woman.  Not a mother, and never the one to look after distressed little boys – that had always been Lucille’s role.  Empty reassurances always fell awkwardly flat and hollow, failing to do their job, if she said them, so she didn’t.

In the military, no-one had time for soft spoken false promises that everything would be okay.  She dealt with logic, hard facts, and the laws of the world.

“Scott, stop moving,” she ordered, the exact same tone and sharp expectation she’d used barely seconds earlier on her own team.

It wasn’t soft.  It wasn’t nurturing, or reassuring.  But Scott’s military instincts were still strong despite being out of the organisation for years and his obedience was immediate. Blue eyes were hazed over with shock and pain, and she knew he wasn’t seeing her, but as long as he was hearing her, she could do this.

���I’m going to get you out,” she told him – not a promise but a fact.  “You need to stay still while I do.”  He didn’t acknowledge her words, verbally or otherwise, but when she cautiously released his head from her grip he remained motionless.

A glance over to where her team had been showed them still attempting to capture Havoc.  There was a high chance that if they hadn’t caught her by now then she would escape, but that was a problem for the Colonel to address later.  One of the men was hanging back, and seemed to be favouring an ankle.

“Corporal!” she barked at him.  “Find me wire cutters and a stretcher.”

His acknowledgement was immediate and she returned her attention to Scott.  Even though he wasn’t moving, his chest was still heaving with panic, and there was a disgusting gargling noise emitting from his throat as he tried to breathe with limited success.

It sounded horrifically like he was choking on blood.

Val prioritised.  The wrist injuries were nasty and blood loss was a major concern, but there was no sign of an arterial bleed.  His throat was rapidly approaching fatal.

There was little she could do until the wire cutters arrived, laser cutters worse than useless so close to Scott’s skin, but she gripped slippery wire with her fingers and started easing the outermost coils away, loosening the snarl in an attempt to distance it from his bloody throat and jaw.

The results were negligible at best, but she had to do something while she waited.

Wire cutters were easily located on a flyer as a staple part of an engineer’s kit.  Even with a dodgy ankle, the Corporate returned barely a minute later, holding the tool out in shaky fingers while an equally shaky voice caught her attention.

“Colonel.”  He was pale, too, face white as his eyes focused on Scott and a sheen of sweat across his skin.  He’d been too fast, but at that moment she could feel nothing but gratitude for his determination.

“At ease,” she allowed, snatching up the tool and immediately deploying it on the loosened strands.

The ones furthest from Scott’s skin were easy to cut away, blood spattered rather than coated and falling obediently into a discarded heap by her side.  It was the closer ones, more red than the original dull silver of the metal and slippery that gave her trouble, even before she reached the ones still embedded.

Each barb had to be cut out individually, the twisted wire either side being cut as close as possible before she withdrew the metal from skin that was almost reluctant to let it leave. There were more of them than there ought to be for the length of the wire, and in the back of her mind she wondered just how prepared Havoc had been.  Blood dribbled free from the exposed punctures, running down his skin and soaking into the collar of his flight suit.  Crimson and blue made a dark, bruising purple.

The last barb came out with a sickening suction noise and Scott’s head immediately lolled forwards. She let him for a moment, blood trickling out of his mouth as well as the holes in his throat as he weakly coughed it up, before tilting his head back slightly.  Her fingers left bloody streaks across his cheeks and in his hair.

There was no good position for him while he stayed upright, his choices to bleed out externally or choke on blood internally, and she dived straight for the snarl of barbed metal keeping him pinned to the wire fence.  Her own hands picked up superficial scratches that were ignored as inconsequential as she hacked away at the wire, disentangling the short scraps until she could pull his hands apart and forwards.

Blood trickled across his wrists, the metal still tangled around them and biting in, but he was choking on blood again, his body wracked with coughs and head bowing forwards in an attempt to expel the liquid before it flooded his lungs.

The Corporal reappeared in her periphery, still too pale but nudging a hoverstretcher in range.

“Do you need assistance, Colonel?” he asked, and he was in no state to be lifting anyone but Scott was tall and the rest of her team had yet to subdue Havoc – or admit defeat and slink back with their tails between their legs.  She made a mental note to ensure he got plenty of rest and treatment as soon as circumstances allowed.

“Take his legs,” she instructed as she shifted around enough to grip onto Scott’s torso.  Her eldest godson hated being stretchered anywhere and always fought for the right to walk no matter how badly injured he was, but this time he didn’t even begin to resist as they bundled him down onto the stretcher and over onto his side in a bastardised version of the recovery position.

Blood splattered onto the surface by his mouth the moment they had him rolled over.  Both his arms were arranged loosely in front of him, wire still tight around his wrists, and with the danger of choking alleviated as much as possible, Val turned the wire cutter’s attention to them.

While the damage was older, it was clear that Scott had had his wits about him up until his throat had been impaled because they bore no more signs of struggle than could be attributed to his shock-induced panic.  The wounds were deeper, though, and some barbs Val elected to leave in until he was in the hands of a medical professional.  Scott had already lost too much blood.

How he was still conscious – albeit unresponsive and in clear shock – she didn’t know.

With the wires removed and discarded, crimson glistening on the tips of the barbs and stained onto the twisted sections, she looked over to where her team had been and was disappointed yet unsurprised to see Spoiler blinking out of existence as it teared away.

Another failure, and this time all they had to show for it was a badly wounded Scott Tracy.  His family were going to be furious when they found out, and once again she wondered how he’d ended up in Havoc’s clutches. No-one had known about this mission; Kayo and Lady Penelope had been investigating another lead and thereby uncontactable, and while she wasn’t naïve enough to think that John couldn’t hack the GDF information, she doubted he did it unless he had a reason.  She was also certain that he wouldn’t have informed Scott about this even if he had found out about it.

She straightened up as they approached, the hoverstretcher rising with her.  Her heart screamed to ignore Havoc and get Scott to a hospital immediately, but that was Val talking, and she needed to be the Colonel.

“Your orders, Ma’am?”

There were nineteen of them not counting the injured Corporal, and Captain Rigby was standing at the head of the pack looking like he’d bitten into a particularly sour lemon.  Behind him, eyes were divided between looking at her and the limp figure on the hoverstretcher, and she knew there were torn instincts in more than just her.

“Back to the flyer,” she ordered.  “Captain, I want every part of this analysed. What went wrong, why it went wrong, and any new information about Havoc that it’s brought to light.”

He saluted, still visibly frustrated.

“All injured are to report to the medical officer,” she continued, sending a pointed look at the Corporal before sweeping across the ranks before her, seeing a few others standing stiffy.  Havoc had truly lived up to her name.  “We’ll return to base and re-strategise there with the information we’ve gained here.”

A sea of salutes acknowledged her and she barked at them to get moving.

Beside her, Scott made another wet choking noise and more blood splattered out onto the stretcher. Base had hospital facilities; depending on why Scott was coughing up blood, it should do.  If full hospitalisation was required, that could also be arranged there.

Ignoring her team as they obeyed her orders, she guided the hoverstretcher into the back of the flyer, where painkillers, antiseptics and bandages were waiting in bulk.  Scrapes, gouges and punctures alike needed cleaning, and it wasn’t the Colonel’s job but Val needed to do it herself rather than trust the eldest son of her best friend, her godson, to the care of anyone else just yet.

Soft she was not, but when it came to medical treatment she could do precise.  Scott remained limp as she poured on the hydrogen peroxide then dabbed at his throat and the tender skin beneath his jaw, not even flinching against the sting of the disinfectant.  The same was repeated on both wrists as best she could.  The neoprene sleeves had held up against the barbs, and likewise held up against the fabric scissors; blood had seeped through and underneath it, but she couldn’t chase it to clean it up and was forced to leave it as she worked around the deep-set barbs she hadn’t dared remove.

Captain Rigby must have given the order for take-off while she was intent on treating Scott’s injuries, because as she reached for the rolls of bandages the flyer rumbled beneath her feet and she had to steady herself on the stretcher.  It was technically insubordination, but she would let it fly given the circumstances.  The man knew Kayo, and how deep her fury would run when she found out about this.

The crisp white bandages didn’t make things look better when she wrapped the wounds.  It made things look neater, no red smudges and dark wounds ravaging skin, but it highlighted just how pale Scott had become.

Blood loss and shock. Both were dangerous enough to kill and once Val had the blood flow stemmed by the linen strips she located a foil blanket to wrap around her godson.  His eyes were somehow still open, but hazy and unfocused enough that she hesitated to consider him conscious any more.

Val was a Colonel, not a medic.  She could stop bleeding but little more, and even if she could set up an emergency blood transplant, International Rescue’s uniform didn’t come with a useful dog tag containing blood type information, and off the top of her head she didn’t know Scott’s.

Now the wounds were cleaned and wrapped, there was nothing else she could do for Scott.

Well.  Nothing except the one thing she was inwardly dreading.

It was time to call Thunderbird Five.

[ask-hunterxhunter]

Can I get a request for yandere Silva, Uvogin, and Phinks?

Phinks has been done already, you can read it here.

  Uvogin

Uvogin is often described as animalistic and you need to know this is not limited to when he is fighting: This man is the sort of person who is fartoo connected with his most primal instincts. Normally, this is not exactly abad thing, but in his case, it is and it can easily become worse when he’s pushed into Yandere Valley, especially considering his personality,not to mention the “take what you want even if by force” mindset of the Troupeand how they already don’t exactly give a damn about who they hurt to achievetheir goals.

 While not one to beat around the bush or hide his interest once it isprovoked, Uvogin is not stupid and the Troupe is the only thing that mattersfor him, so he is usually careful with “normal” interactions and tends to preferone-night stands (far safer in his opinion and besides, he doesn’t have anyemotional attachments outside of the Spider and doesn’t care to have), meaning itwill be a surprise for him when he realizes he is thinking of you with far morecare than he’s used to and also more often… It would be easier if it was simplylust, but somehow, it doesn’t feel like that.

 Despite the initial surprise, once this starts and realizes it (whichwill be pretty soon), Uvogin won’t want to put an end to it or try to forget you(while, in fact, his obsession grows). It’s simply not in his nature. In fact,once he realizes he wants you, whatever past might be between you won’tmatter, even if you’re meant to be enemies or if you’re hunting the Spidersdown (in a way, in his obsession, Uvogin may find this exciting). Once he issure he wants you for life, he’ll also make his intentions clear.

 Hey, it’s not that you actually have a choice, but he thought you mightappreciate the pretense all the same. Sorry, sweetheart, he isn’t a chocolateand roses kind of guy, remember? When the Spiders want something, they take itand he’s no different.

 Despite the circumstances that led to you two meeting, even if yourealize the danger you’re in and decide it might be smarter to find a hell of agood place to hide for a while (hoping he’ll get over you or something), thiswon’t do more than buy you a few days. Going to the authorities and beingplaced in a safe house is useless just as well. The Spiders stick together and isvery likely some of them (such as Shalnark) will help him get to you if things geta little more complicated. While some stalkers may give up their currentobsession with time, this tactic won’t work with Uvogin. No matter where youare or the security you have, he will find you.

 Hey, if he has to kill (read: slaughter) some morons along the way, it’snothing that will keep him up at night. It will be a pretty gruesome scene andunless you’re unconscious, you’ll see it as he drags you along with him. On a note, Uvogin might not kill your family (at least not this time) or your friends (if he’s completely sure they are indeed just friends, thoughthe chances are not as good as with your family). Also, contrary to someothers, Uvogin won’t drag this “game” for longer than necessary or just take histime as he corners you. Yes, he is a predator and a hunter, this sort of thingis fun and all, but why waste time when you’re so close? Especially if you’vemanaged to stay away for what he deems to be too long. What may happen is that,when the perfect opportunity to get you comes, he will let you run -literally-and believe you’re safe before catching you. Uvogin doesn’t mean this as torture,it’s just that it’s too fun for him to let it pass.

 From then on, it’s hopeless.

 You can reason, cry, argue, or yell that this isn’t love, but Uvogin won’treally give a damn, even if he doesn’t enjoy to see you in distress (if hislevel of obsession allows him that, at least). In his mind, you can call thiswhatever you want, but he wants you with him, so that’s it. Besides, there aremany types of love, and this is the love of a thief. Get used to it,little love, because you’re not going anywhere. Note that Uvogin isn’tdelusional enough to insist that you do love him and just doesn’t knowit yet, but this doesn’t mean he will care whether kidnapping you was crossinga line or not. While won’t take pleasure or be indifferent to your suffering, itwon’t make him regret his actions not even for a moment. If anything, hemay point out that the sooner you get used to your new life, the sooner thingswill start to get better.

 He just knows he loves you and wants you with him, so what else matters?

 It’s pretty disturbing how Uvogin will act all nice and gentle when you’renot trying to escape even if you’re defying him (this if his obsession isn’t onthose hellish levels where the instability becomes far too intense for him toeven resemble who he used to be, in this case, it’s better to keep your mouthshut) and, surprisingly, for someone who can be so ruthless and brutal whenfighting, it’s unlikely Uvogin will be violent around you (well, with you). It’s not that his personality will change, but in his own way, he’ll be affectionate…

 Not a sight anyone who has fought him would expect and not that it makes thingsany better, no matter how much he says he loves you while dismissing how muchpain he’s causing you. Uvogin will often want you near him, wanting to enjoythe moments he has with you when he’s not doing some job with the Spiders. In thosetimes, if no one can stay back to what you, Uvogin won’t hesitate to force you insidea cage or place a chain around your ankle and locking you in your room. If youcry, he will just joke that he’ll miss you too, love.

 The rest of the Troupe is no better, either, but then again, did youexpect anything different?

 When you try to escape, Uvogin is likely to allow you to go until acertain point before catching you… It’s an interesting game of tag and whatbetter way to make you understand you can’t ever leave? If you keep insistingor if we’re talking about a rescue, though, it won’t be pretty… At all. Manyanimals get irritated with what they consider an invasion of their territory ora “threat” to their mates and, well, remember how Uvogin bit through a man’sskull once? Yeah, what happens will be along those lines and he won’t hesitateto make you watch.

 Or maybe you can try asking nicely for him to spare their lives?Maybe you can be kinder to him in return? Yeah, Uvogin won’t hesitate touse them as levarage to force you into showing him some affection, even if it’sfake (which he’ll escalate into an attempt at seducting you very soon).

 Of course, you don’t need to know he killed them anyway (or thatsome other member of the Spider did). Come on, you didn’t really expect them tolet someone get so close and just walk away, did you?

 Silva

Silva is not a man who has much of a care for morals and even in a normalstate of mind he’ll consider all the options he has to achieve his goalsand get what he wants. This relentness will only become stronger once hebecomes a yandere for you and while this can often be said for any Yandere, the fact that Silva already has this streak doesn’t mean anything goodfor you. Silva is already used to do disregard limits, already has connections and means, so he won’t hesitate when he decides to pursue you evenafter you’ve rejected his advances.

Not being an impulsive man, it’s unlikely that he’ll become obsessed withyou after a single meeting (though some interest might be incited), regardlessof how you first cross paths: Maybe he met you while chasing a target, maybeyou’re a friend of Killua and came with Gon, Leorio and Kurapika to rescue him,so on. Your following meetings might be brief, he may just hear something aboutyou, but eventually, he will find himself growing… Curious. He’ll then decideto find more about you whenever the opportunity arises, since there are very veryfew people he considers “interesting” outside of his inner circle. You don’t evenhave to be a Hunter for that to happen.

At first, it will be apparently harmless enough (for a Zoldyckassassin, it should be said): He may read about your work, or watch a match ifyou fight in Heaven’s Arena… In a sense, at first, his view will be completelyanalytic: If he watches you fighting, for example, Silva will first focus onyour style, your abilities, your strong and weak points (only later he’ll be focusingmore on you). It’s extremelly hard to say what he’s thinking, but there probablywon’t be any darker intentions just yet. Silva is truly just curious.

There will come a time when second-hand information won’t be as satisfyingfor Silva and he’ll decide to watch you from afar personally. It is nothing outof ordinary for him, after all, there have been times when he observed histarget for some time before killing them… Well… He knows he doesn’t want tokill you, but he isn’t that sure of what he wants with you either (at least atfirst) and this will frustrate him for a good while, as it’s rare for him toget confused or unsure of what he things or feels.

Watching you from afar, seeing you personally, seeing you smile tosomeone else, will change that. Silva will realize very soon that he wants you… He may take one or two days to consider the situation, to think about whatis happening and if this isn’t a passing idea or if he isn’t mixing things up(an irony, considering obsession isn’t love). In the end, Silva will decidethat while things did not start this way, it’s how they are now.

What about Kikyo, you ask?

It depends… We haven’t seen much of their interactions to be completelysure of whether or not there is actual love in that marriage. When it comesdown to it, there are two options: They truly love each other (as strange as itmight seem considering how this family is) or Silva met Kikyo, saw something inher that would be useful for the Zoldyck’s bloodline and manipulated her to thepoint she is completely devoted to him now (I’ve read somewhere Kikyo came fromthe Meteor City. If that’s so, then marrying a powerful, rich man with areputation such as Silva must’ve seemed a dream come true to her, so no wondershe would do whatever he desires). As such, there are also two options of howthings might work in this scenario: Either Silva would kill Kikyo and make itlook like an accident (which he would be able to pull off to the point even hischildren wouldn’t think otherwise) or Kikyo, due to her blind devotion to Silva,wouldn’t mind him having a mistress (which she would consider as a pet of sorts).

In a way or another, Silva won’t care about what he has to do to makesure you’re his, regardless of your (or anyone else’s) opinion on the matter.

At first, Silva will try more normal means of getting to you (courting you,we might say) since he’d much rather have you coming to him willingly, but itwon’t take long for him to determine whether this may get the desirable resultsor not (Silva is great at reading people and remember he won’t have problemswith “checking” on you to know how this idea is going). From them on, hisattempts will start to get unsettling, as there will be an undertone of threateven with the most innocent of gestures: It’s his way of telling you this isyour last chance of doing this the easier way. He’s being nice for now, butthis can change. While most guys may be somewhat insistent without it becoming harassment, it won’t be so with Silva. Long before the time comeswhen he warns you he is not taking “no” for an answer, you’ll alreadyhave the feeling you’re in serious trouble.

Silva has many means of getting to you: From kidnapping you when you’remost vulnerable, to threatening your loved ones to bribing policemen working onkeeping you safe to just hand you over… He has many options and he’ll know whichone works better depending on the circumstances. He will prefer to not involveyour family or closest friends, since it would be counter-productive in thelong run.

While with Illumi you at least can walk around the mansion and thegardens, it won’t be so with Silva: You’ll be kept in a room deep within theZoldyck estate and the only times when you’ll get out will be accompanied byhim, when Silva decides you need/deserve a walk around the gardens. As he willtell you with a smile, there isn’t any way you can escape, so don’t bother totry. Don’t worry, though, you’ll have anything and everything you might wishfor. And it’s true, Silva will have no problems with pampering you even if younever ask for anything.

Why are you surprised he knows so much about your likes and dislikes, mydear?

In a way, it’s not so different than it was with Alluka and, just like itwas with her, it won’t mean anything when you don’t have your freedom. Don’tbother asking for it either. Silva won’t ever let you go (and he will tell you thatquite clearly if it’s necessary).

While some Yanderes might at least feel bad about seeing you suffer,regardless if they understand the depths of what they’re doing and how terribleit is, it won’t be so with Silva. Oh, he knows what he is doing and he believes he loves you, he does, but he’s not a man to be moved by the suffering ofothers even if he claims to care for them. Your tears are just a necessary eviland Silva won’t let you go just because you’re crying. The most compassionate reactionhe may have is to just hold you close and start whispering how things will bealright once you realize how much he loves you.

One thing you should never forget, and that makes the situation evenworse, is that Silva is and always will be, a manipulator. Being theonly one who you have contact with (he may let the butlers serve you from timeto time, but they won’t be allowed to really talk to you), he knows theloneliness will end up making you talk with him. At first, it will be innocentconversation, nothing that appears to have importance…

But Silva will reach the topics of your “previous” life and twist thingsto his advantage. You talk of how you love your friends, how you miss them?Silva will lie that they haven’t even tried to rescue you or remind you of badtimes and arguments you had or anything else he can use against them (andbecause he stalked you, he knows quite a few things), slowly poisoning yourmind with doubts, while acting all sweet and caring.

Silva won’t isolate you just physically, but mentally and emotionally aswell, doing his best to convince you he’s the only one who truly loves you, whounderstands you. He wasn’t kidding when he said he wants to be the only one you’llever think about.

Also, while other Yanderes may truly want you to love them, Silva won’tcare as much. Oh, he wants you to love him, he does, but asfrustrating as it might be if it doesn’t happen, he will content himself withhaving you there. Besides, he knows it will be just a matter of time until yourgive in and accept the situation…

After all, it’s not like you can ever leave, is it?

[lilsunshiny]

Thoughts on The Last Of Us Part II

WRITING (creative process)

the game’s storyline is straight to the point, you can see from the trailer that it’s going to be a timeline about revenge. the whole game happens around joel’s death in the beginning and I guess that’s the whole reason why people are upset. but guess what? neil druckmann’s goal was to make you upset, angry and nostalgic. he accomplished his goal and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are.

you not liking the the way things went down does not mean the game’s writing is awful, it just means you were expecting something and got another. not liking something isn’t a crime and it’s totally ok as long as you respect the creators and don’t use your hate to put others down, it’s a valid opinion and that’s it.

what makes a story good is the writing and the thought put into it to make the player/reader/viewer feel a certain way, and the developers did an incredible job to do that. we feel frustrated, anxious and weird the entire gameplay and that’s exactly what they wanted from us, which means they won. I’ll talk more about my opinion on the storyline far ahead.

the graphic visuals of this game are RIDICULOUS, they’re perfect. every detail is insane to look at, they worked so hard to get it right and it was so worth it. every time I entered a new scenario I would just go into photo mode and appreciate the art because that’s what makes the game unforgettable and groundbreaking. the red lighting scenes were so perfectly made and so badass, the sky when ellie goes outside the farm with JJ is breathtaking just like every other view in the game. by far the most beautiful game I’ve ever had the honor to play.

STORYLINE (joel’s death)

the first game gave us a story about love and hope, making us guide joel into taking ellie to the fireflies looking for a cure based on ellie’s immunity. we spend the whole game thinking we’d get to the fireflies, make a cure and live happily ever after but that never happened in those terms. the gameplay made us slowly fall in love with joel and ellie as characters, joel for his tough personality that would fade under the influence of a little girl and ellie for her nativity and innocence as a young teenager who really wants to help other people by making a cure. that’s the whole situation of it, joel getting attached to ellie while she developed a paternal affection for him but in the end joel ends up doing an unforgivable thing, basically destroying the hope for a cure and ruining all hope for the world to heal from the outbreak, so he decides to lie to ellie blaming the fireflies for everything so he doesn’t lose her trust and love.

I do understand liking and loving joel as a character, myself included, because they made the game thinking about it and they knew the audience would develop a major caring for him and ellie as daughter and father, that’s how it was supposed to go and it worked it.

now let’s talk about joel’s death. I think we were all surprised to watch him die so early in the game but considering the game time and storyline, it would have never happened differently. his death was brutal, violent, merciless and inhuman, abby and her crew tortured him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he obviously suffered with ellie being held to the ground begging them to stop. I agree that it was a horrible death but we can’t just pretend joel was a sweet innocent hero because he wasn’t, the audience portrays him as a hero when he literally stopped the human race from being saved, killing the fireflies and acting out of pure selfishness. joel isn’t the angel some people paint him as, he’s not a good person and if ellie herself could never forgive him for what he did, who are we to do so? she said she would try but she never got the chance to and it took her years to even come to terms with it.

most importantly, it’s obvious that people forget these characters are human beings, not real people but they’re real in that universe and technically speaking, they run and feel the same way we would feel if we were in their shoes. they’re people, every character in the game is a person, with feelings, a background, a past, a personality and thoughts. they’re no different than us except for them living in a post apocalyptic world were morality and ethics aren’t taken into consideration since there is no law or living lifestyle.

for us to understand this storyline, we need to step away from our society’s view of morality and wrong or right, because that does not apply to them, everyone in the game has killed people and/or have done something morally questionable in their life since it’s the apocalypse and there is no wrong or right, there’s only how the characters feel about certain situations and how they act on them, which is basically what guides the entire game to happening the way it did: human feelings.

joel obviously changed after the first game, since he starts living in jackson and having to raise ellie as a daughter in a relatively normal town with other people, he’s not the same person as he was in part I, now he turned into a father and a friend, not a merciless mercenary who doesn’t care about others. we see that when he and tommy decide to help abby, a complete stranger who was about to die in the hands of infected, and maybe that’s what led people into hating abby with their heart. but ending this topic, joel’s death was bound to happen, you can’t just expect someone to destroy the world’s hope for a cure and leave with no people being angry at him and wanting revenge, that cure could’ve saved many people’s loved ones but he chose to save his loved one. if joel is indeed a terrible person or not, that’s up to you to decide, that’s more of an internal turmoil within yourself that is different for everyone depending on their experience from part I and how they view joel in the end. it’s kind of messed up if you think about it, would you let the only person you care about die for a not confirmed chance of a cure in a world that is already doomed? that’s a question for yourself.

joel’s death happened so you could see things from multiple perspectives, which is the whole fucking point of the game. there are multiple sides to every story, it’s the same world we live in except in different circumstances. your actions affect others, people have feelings and if you hurt them they might act a certain way, those characters are no different than us because they were based on genuine human thoughts and actions.

ELLIE (growth and development)

ellie is one of the most well written characters I’ve ever seen in my life. she’s the symbol of badass but fragile woman and that’s so amazing to me. as the game goes by we start seeing many sides of ellie, she slowly starts to turn into a completely different person after joel’s death and her urge for revenge. killing abby becomes her main priority the second she leaves jackson and that’s clear in the way she acts and treats others. I’ll have to play the game again to pay more attention to ellie and abby’s behavior throughout the timeline. ellie is the reflection of how the excessive amount of effort you put into a negative thought, the more it will bring you and your loved ones down. watching ellie during the story is such a nice experience, there are times where you love her to death, others you get annoyed with her or don’t agree with how she acts, and that’s exactly how the creators wanted you to feel. revenge takes ellie’s soul from the inside out, from her not being able to forgive herself for letting joel die to her going after abby for nothing but hate for herself in the end.

ellie’s journey is exciting to play and to witness as her relationship with other people (specially dina) starts to fade away and being consumed by hate and regret. we were manipulated into loving ellie since part I and I don’t think she’s a bad person, she lost everything in the hands of other people and went through a lot, losing joel was a deal breaker for her but she just didn’t realize soon enough that killing abby wasn’t going to make things better. ellie’s gameplay was meant to make you reflect on losing a loved one, grief, mourning and revenge, she’s not the lost kid from part I anymore, she’s a grown woman who just lost her dad and she doesn’t even know exactly why. the funny thing for me, which is what makes the story realistic, is that ellie didn’t fully forgive joel yet she still suffered from losing him and went after abby for revenge, when not even herself could forgive him, that’s pretty realistic in my opinion. it’s the human uncontrollable instinct of still missing someone you’re mad at and not being able to say goodbye.

for me, ellie is the perfect and most detailed reflection of revenge and what it can do to you. the game is much more than “revenge is bad don’t do it”, we all obviously know it’s bad but we still have an urge to fight back against it and make the person who hurt us suffer too because it’s not fair for us and it wasn’t fair for ellie until the very last moment.

ABBY (point of view and perspective)

by far the most controversial character of the game. I’ll star off saying I actually like abby and I think the people who hate her so deeply just didn’t understand how things go. hating abby is no different than hating ellie, they’re in the same situation for almost the entire game. abby lost her father in joel’s hands, she was still a teenager and seeing her own dad die for trying to save humanity isn’t easy, just like ellie watching joel being tortured and killed wasn’t easy. being fully honest ellie would’ve done the same thing abby did if joel was the doctor and we can’t deny that.

on the other hand, I do think the ellie and abby gameplays could’ve been distributed better, maybe switching from ellie to abby and back and forth so it wouldn’t get too tiring or confusing since we don’t know the exact timeline when we first play it. that’s the only slightly negative thing I have to say about the game.

I do think abby is a great character, they built her perfectly to make the audience hate her in the begging, painting her as a sadistic monster only to show her side of the story later on in the game and make you realize that you have been wrong all this time, making you see the bigger picture and understand that ellie isn’t the only person in the world, she isn’t loved by everyone, she’s just a girl in the world and so is abby. they both have fucked up pasts and they both lost a lot, and in terms of personality, they’re actually quite similar. we love ellie because we got to see her grow up and WE know that deep down she’s not a bad person, the first impression we had of abby was of her recklessly killing joel with a golf club when ellie was begging her to stop, since that we tend to think abby is a horrible person and that ellie is an angel, but it’s not like that at all. obviously ellie didn’t do anything wrong up to that moment to justify that happening to her, but ellie isn’t the best person in the world either.

the duality in this game was created on purpose and with a deeper meaning, ellie is ellie, abby is abby and the cycle of revenge goes on until both parts understand that it’s useless to keep going. abby let go before ellie could and let her and dina live because of lev, killing joel didn’t change abby to the better, lev changed her. tommy couldn’t change ellie, jesse couldn’t change ellie and not even dina could do it, ellie had to change and forgive herself alone. the point I’m trying to make is that abby is no better than ellie and ellie is no better than abby, they’re both emotionally drained women who are not wrong or right in the end of things.

DINA (support and reflection)

dina is the only character I will 100% defend because she’s flawless and did absolutely nothing wrong during the whole game. in my head she represents ellie’s good side, dina is the constant reminder that ellie hasn’t lost her humanity and hasn’t completely changed into someone else because of revenge, even when she has her downs (example: calling her a burden when dina says she’s pregnant). dina is the most forgiving and loyal character, she loves ellie more than anything and it shows. the sad part of it is that even with dina’s huge amount of love and affection, that doesn’t stop ellie from going in the wrong direction, which brings us to another life lesson: loving someone is a choice you make everyday and nobody can control your choices when you’re determined to do something.

ellie decided to go after abby, dina followed and supported her the whole way through, then she took that for granted and left dina and JJ behind to go after abby again (after abby let her and dina live) officially breaking dina’s heart. that was a choice, dina obviously cared so much about ellie, loved her so much but she couldn’t change ellie’s mind. but the point here is that dina is a reflection of ellie’s bright side, she keeps ellie sane until the very last moment, saving her life multiple times, going with her in a revenge journey, “you go, I go, end of story”, telling the wolves to fuck off and staying by ellie’s side, constantly putting her life at risk while being pregnant, she has loves ellie for such a long time even before getting with jesse (you can read ellie’s journal where she says cat told her dina is jealous of their relationship) and she probably took ellie back when she came back from santa barbara (a theory that I believe in because it makes sense).

dina is one of the few positive ends in the universe of the last of us, highly optimistic, funny, beautiful and an amazing support system for ellie. if it weren’t for dina, ellie would’ve become a monster.

LGBTQ+ REPRESENTATION (ellie x dina and lev)

it’s 2020 and people are still talking shit about the game just because of queer characters. that’s why I say people who hate the game are people who either didn’t capture the story or just didn’t even try to pay attention because of a closed mindset bigot sandwiches. representation is the best path to general acceptance, making people see different stories and realize that someone’s gender or sexuality does not influence on the quality of art.

ellie is a lesbian, that’s clear in the game when she says she’s “not into jessie’s type” (such a nice dialogue by the way), she talks about her ex girlfriend and clearly has had a crush on dina for the longest time (probably the reason why she broke up with cat).

dina is bisexual, in my opinion she always had a crush on ellie but maybe she lost motivation to to after her when she started to get close to cat and started talking to jessie because of that and it ended up working.

now dina and ellie’s relationship is probably the only thing that keeps us sane throughout the game, when we sit down to think “thank god ellie has dina, that means she’s not alone”, which is basically the whole concept of it, ellie not being alone because dina is there to hold her to the ground and stop her from becoming someone she doesn’t want to be.

lev being trans is something I can‘t have an opinion on, I have seen both sides: people saying it was a good approach and others saying it wasn’t an accurate representation. I’m not trans so my opinion isn’t valid and I can definitely see why many people think it was a bad reach but I also can see the other side, so I won’t comment on that.

the nice thing about representation in this game is that they brought it up as a normal thing, the only moment the focus is sexuality is when seth was being a dick and called dina the d-word, ellie got defensive but dina stopped her from getting into a fight. even then the main focus of that situation was how ellie dealt with joel saying she didn’t need his help. the point was never ellie’s sexuality, never, not even in a single moment, because it was never an issue. in a post apocalyptic society people don’t pay much attention to being homophobes (unless they’re in a fanatic religious cult or just assholes like seth).

the game approached the subject very bluntly but in a normal way, not making it that huge of a deal but it is a big deal for those who seek comfort and/or are dealing with their sexuality in a way. if a character they admire ends up being part of a minority group, they can relate to that and feel more comfortable in their own skin. we’re here, we’re real and we exist even in a fucked up infected world.

ENDING + THOUGHTS (moving on)

the last of us part II is a story about revenge, being completely different than part I which is a story about love and surviving. what happens in the second game are the consequences of the first, the choices joel made reflected upon himself, saving ellie costed everything; the cure, people’s lives and maybe a brighter future. people who are bashing the game for it’s storyline and how things went down need to understand that it’s not because we love joel that his actions didn’t matter to others. joel is a human being, so is abby and those who got harmed by joel’s choice to save ellie. joel killed abby’s dad, abby went after him for revenge, a predictable and reasonable thing to do if you just try to see it from her point of view, keep in mind that ellie would do the same exact thing.

if you can’t get yourself to see things from other people’s point of view, you missed the whole point of the game. the storyline isn’t summed up in “revenge is bad don’t do it kids”, it’s just based on the fact that death can never and will never bring you any sort of relief.

the game is the reflection of the cycle of revenge. abby going after joel for killing her dad, ellie going after abby and killing all of her friends in the process, abby finally breaks the cycle letting ellie and dina live but ellie couldn’t get over the guilt and went after abby again, yet she ended up letting her ago and officially breaking the chain for good.

the whole concept of the game is how seeking someone else’s suffering can lead to full destruction of someone’s character and values.

if ellie had killed abby she would’ve turned into the monster she was fighting against and she would lose literally everything she hadn’t already lost: her humanity. I don’t actually know the exact reason that compelled ellie to let abby go, maybe it was losing her fingers and realizing that she’ll never be able to play guitar again, which was her very last memory of joel and what he taught her. it could also be thinking of lev and how he’s the only thing abby has and vice versa, which is what she had with joel and what was taken from her, therefore she didn’t want to turn into the person who put someone through the same pain she was going through. technically if she killed abby she would have to kill lev to avoid him coming after her and continuing the cycle and doing that would kill ellie even more.

to make this shorter, abby moved on earlier than ellie. mostly because abby actually got her revenge killing joel but you gotta look through things before you put all the blame on her. ellie lost everyone in her life, her parents, riley, tess, sam and then joel, going after abby was a defense mechanism since she couldn’t have done anything to save those she lost before, but losing the one who took care and raised her was something she couldn’t bare, specially when she thought joel was the only person she had even though they weren’t in good terms and she and dina weren’t a thing yet.

ellie needed to revenge joel at all costs because that’s what she thought he would want, but in the end she realizes he would want her to move on and be happy, because that’s what he always tried to give her: the best shot in life that he couldn’t give sarah. ellie thought that by killing abby she would be able to let go, when in reality she would just feel more guilty for leaving lev alone like she was having no emotional relief concerning her PTSD. ellie got to that beach fully aware that killing abby wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but a single memory of joel made her make the decision that she wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. their final fight was silent, in the middle of nowhere, they had absolutely nothing to say to each other because they were both fighting for nothing but excessive mental emptiness. they both knew that nothing would bring their loved ones back and they were ready to move on.

what the game wants to teach you is that nothing good comes from searching revenge and other’s suffering. ellie gets consumed by her own view of justice and ends up losing herself both inside and outside, when she comes to terms with the fact that killing abby won’t bring joel back from the dead, it’s already too late. she lost jessie, her friendship with tommy, her good memories with joel, her fingers which results in her not being able to play guitar anymore, the love of her life and her son.

in the last of us part one ellie says that her biggest fear is to end up alone, and the saddest part of all is that her actions led her to making that fear come true. the ending is ambiguous, it can mean something different to different people depending on what you choose to interpret things and how you view the characters. for some, ellie could just end up alone looking for a life purpose that doesn’t involve anyone from her past. to others, ellie returned to jackson and proved dina that she loved her and that now she’s ready to fully commit because she let go of her anger and is at peace with herself and her inner struggles. but that’s all up to you to decide what you want to believe in.

at the end of the day, this storyline is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking and emotionally draining. it makes you think and open your mind to new perspectives, which is honestly one of the best things art is able to do, create a new universe for you to deep your thoughts in and take your own conclusions. the last of us didn’t have a bad or good ending, it had a realistic ending. just because they didn’t make this the way you wanted it doesn’t mean the writing is bad, it means you’re probably disappointed and that’s fine, but hating on it isn’t the way to make a point.

I can only thank everyone involved for creating this world and making me so invested in it, connecting me with these amazing characters and emotions that I never experienced playing a game before. there is nothing more to say except: endure and survive.

[userarchive]

Unexpected Circumstances Ch 4

Warnings: Language, talk of SVU related things

Olivia had given you a couple files from one of the squad’s newest cases asking for specific warrants from the D.A.’s office, it wasn’t your case, but Fin and Kat were both still out dealing with other suspects. Amanda gave you a nod, clarifying that she knew you could handle it yourself before you headed out, maybe you could use the time to get a few words in with Carisi. On the way over you briefly stopped to grab a cup of coffee and a pastry before you headed into the building. You quickly found the new A.D.A’s office, among the other new kids on the block. You smiled softly approaching his desk, dropping the coffee onto it.

“Peace offering?” You muttered, leaning against the side of his desk, those baby blues looked up at you, a smile on his cheeks, he was happy to find you without your partner for once.

“Nice throwback.” Sonny replied, taking the coffee from you, lightly moaning as the beverage hit his throat, thankful for the caffeine boost, he had a few hours to go, and was more than happy to finally see you at his office. His comment went back to the first time you met, those daily coffee meets that got you both out of your shells as you got to knew each other outside each other’s precincts. You watched his face change, glad to finally see him truly smile at you, you found your hand reaching out to his free one, stroking it oh so briefly before you leaned back,

“I do have to admit, I’m here under preconceived notions,” You pulled the files from your bag, “We need warrants…cell phones, computers, full apartment.” The file landed on Sonny’s desk, you paused slightly, looking those steely blues directly, “Sorry Sonny.” He looked back up at you, seeing the apologies written in your eyes, he smiled softly, discreetly caressing the back of your hand with his thumb, the electrified energy surging from the touch into both of you. This moment (mainly) alone no matter how small was still helping things build back up, the feelings were still there, you just had to start unscrambling all the wires. “They’re for Fin and Kat,” You added, “Who are still out with another suspect, so you don’t have to worry about rushing them too much.” Reluctantly, Carisi pulled his hand away from yours, leafing through the file, 

“Looks like it’ll be an easy sign anyways,” He paused for a moment noticing you push off the desk to stand upright, letting out a breath, he amped up his courage, standing and grasping your elbow lightly pulling you back to face him, “Hey…if I remember correctly, coffee was step 1, drinks were step 2, right?” He rubbed the back of his neck while you quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, somethin’ like that.”

“Can I buy ya a drink tonight?” Sonny felt his face flush, looking away missing you beaming at him, “There’s a place halfway between here and the precinct?” He was still unsure he was making the right call, worried you’d turn him down, or would have to work late.

“That sounds great Dominick.” His eyes shot to yours, softening as he took in your smile, “Text me before you drop off the warrants so I can think up some kind of excuse for Rollins?” He nodded, you gave his arm a squeeze before leaving the office.

***

You phone buzzed about 10 minutes after Carisi left the precinct, quickly checking it, you glanced up at Amanda,

“Hey, you okay if I duck out early, I’ve-“ You barely finished you sentence before Rollins waved you off, 

“Yeah, do what you need to, we’ve got each other’s back’s okay?” You smiled at her, throwing your things into your bag before you made you way out of the squad room. True to Sonny’s word the bar was practically halfway between the precinct and the DA’s office, you spotted him in a booth halfway through the bar, a glass of wine he sipped on and one left untouched for you. You pulled your coat off before sliding into the booth smiling at the man across from you, your heart felt like it was beating a million beats a minute, as if it was your first date all over again.

“Hope you still drink red.” He smiled across at you, he’d been feeling apprehensive about tonight, but knew that once you agreed to it that there was a high chance you were on the same page. 

“Always,” You brought the glass to your lips, humming in satisfaction as you swallowed the liquid down, eyes closing in appreciation briefly, “Cab?” You smiled across at Sonny,

“Of course.” He smiled at you as you placed your glass down on the table, your hand leaving itself solo, reached across the table, fingers playing with each other, teasing him to make the first touch you were dying for. “How’re ya adjusting?” Carisi decided to start small, knowing you’d been under for so long, even a short UC case involved a lot of normalizing. 

“Surprisingly well.” You took another sip of wine, “It was a long time under, but I had some breaks….every time the ring got busted there was 6 months of pretending to be normal before the three of us got back together. Sometimes Alejandro would take me with him to some hidden corner of the globe, sometimes I was on my own, it just depended on the bust.” You noticed Sonny’s brows furrowed slightly, you quirked a brow at that, which he noticed, giving out a huff of breath.

“You said you never did anything you…didn’t want….while under.” He paused slightly, “Did Alejandro ever…do anything to ya? Whether you wanted it or not?” You gained eye contact with him, you could see the slight shimmer of tears in his eyes, the same reflecting in yours, boring back against his baby blues.

“Dominick…”You started, your hand flipped over palm up, his hand instinctively reached for it, stroking your palm softly. “I swear to you, there was nothing sexual or romantic between Alejandro and I,” His hand tightened around yours, “I’ll be honest…we kissed, we shared a bed, but absolutely nothing past either of those points ever happened. I made a promise Sonny, in front of God to be completely faithful to you, and I wasn’t ready to break that…”You trailed off, Sonny dropped his head, avoiding your gaze.

“Soph…”His voice shook the slightest bit, you dropped his hand, moving to his chin, moving his chin upwards so he would face you, 

“Sonny…you thought I was dead…for 7 years…you can’t be at fault for anything that happened during that time frame.” You stroked his cheek gently, “Baby please don’t blame yourself for anything that happened.” His chest clenched at the use of the pet name, leaning into the palm of yours against his cheek.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I shoulda realized when they wouldn’t show me your body, hell they didn’t even give you a proper police funeral…” He ducked his head, you grabbed his free hand, squeezing it tightly, 

“Sonny…don’t be sorry okay, this whole thing is insanely complicated, neither of us had any idea it was going to end up like this. Things got crazy before we could even realize they were happening. I’m the one who should be sorry.” You squeezed his arm gently, “What’d’ya say to moving forward?” You braced yourself as his steely blues met your eyes, he smiled brightly at you, 

“I think that sounds great.” He raised your hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it gently, “You look great by the way.” You flushed at that, laughing softly, 

“Thanks Sonny…” You trailed off before ordering another round of drinks…

***

It had been a few more hours of Sonny and you re-getting to know each other,  apologies seemed to make their way into the conversation at a 8 minute ratio, and it was simply like riding a bike. You had so much history, and despite the years apart, you fitted together like a glove, laughing and flirting like you’d never spent a day apart. Sonny insisted on paying for the tab, despite your struggles to try and get your card to the waitress before him. 

“Will you at least let me walk ya home doll?” He flashed that adorable dopey grin at you as you left the bar, you couldn’t resist, he was just so fricking cute. Accepting his offer the two of you made you way through the streets of Manhattan your hands brushing against each other until Sonny finally grabbed yours in his, linking your fingers together. You smiled softly up at him as he pulled you closer to him, daring to brush his lips against your hair. 

It was only a few blocks before you reached your apartment, you hesitantly slowed to a stop, turning towards Sonny, your entwined hands pulling his body against yours.  His hand dropped yours as they found their way to your waist, pulling you tightly against him, your nails traced across the back of his neck, gripping the roots of his hair at the back of his neck. 

“All I ever wanted was you Sophie..” Carisi breathed against your lips,

“I know baby…” Your lips were so close to meeting his, “I never stopped missing you..It was always you Dom..” You hit your tippy toes, moving your lips to meet his beautiful ones, a kiss you never thought you’d experience again, a million emotions moving through your body. You could taste the remnants of wine on his tongue, but more importantly you could taste him. Sonny pulled you in tight, wrapping an arm even tighter around your waist, the other burying itself through your cheek into your hair, making sure you were impossibly close to him. It had simply been too long, you’d missed each other for too long, but never stopped loving each other, for a couple that was meant to be you had so much to still work through. 

He’d ploughed through so many emotions over the past 7 years, having you back in his life felt like an mirage, but having you back in his arms, lips moving against his with ease felt like a dream he was guaranteed to wake up from in a flash, finding himself alone in his cold bed, covered in a gleam of sweat and tears in his eyes. Sonny felt years of grief and anger bubble through his body, but you let out a breathy whimper against his lips, scratching the hairs at the back of his neck and it was all flattened by the love he carried for you. 

Finally you regrettably pulled away, your breath hot against Sonny’s mouth. He stroked your cheek softly, only breaking your embrace to kiss your forehead gently.

“I…I should go…” You hesitantly spoke, Carisi kissed your cheek softly, his arms stroking down your arms,

“Okay….”He dropped contact with your body, “Will you call me…please?” His eyes bore into yours. You smiled brightly, 

“Of course….” You reached up to kiss his lips softly, “Sonny….you’ll always be my number one.” His eyes bored into yours at that, smiling brightly at you, kissing your nose gently, causing you to giggle before you made your way into your building, giving his hand a final squeeze. He watched you retreat, his brain and heart clouded with emotion, there was no doubt he loved you, he knew you both had a lot to work through, and it seemed like now was the time.

[smilepal]

8-13 angsty asks

Character ask meme for @solo-net ☺️

8.) Do they hold grudges? is it hard for them to let go/forgive each other?

Hiro rarely holds grudges, except in certain circumstances. He has a bit of a temper but it usually flares out relatively fast, and he’d rather resolve things quickly after feelings cool a bit. Certain sitiuations would cause him to hold a grudge though. He doesn’t trust people very easily so when he does, it’s a huge deal for him. Having that trust broken, especially if it became a habit/was done more than once would be something he’d have a hard time forgiving too readily. He’s also very protective of his partners/small circle of people he cares about--mess with/hurt them and he wouldn’t be a forgiving person. Hiro used to be worse about holding grudges/holding onto arguments, especially before the Heist. He refused to go with Vic/Jackie, he’d tried to talk them both out of it but they wouldn’t listen and it ended in a huge fight with him and Jackie--he pretty much told the other “if he wanted to go get himself and V killed, that he wasn’t going to be a part of it”. He still feels horribly guilty about it, especially after almost losing Vic as well. It’s contributed to him not wanting to leave arguments unresolved/leave in the middle of them/not going to bed mad at his partners. 

Vic rarely gets seriously mad, and she really hates being mad at the boys.  However, in the event she actually does get mad it’s really hard for her to let go of it--particularly if she feels she's in the right. It usually takes whoever made her mad apologizing or them explaining to V why she’s in the wrong to snap her out of it. If she does realize she messed up though, she’s good at taking time aside and apologizing genuinely/having an open conversation about the matter. 

9.) Is there something big that could potentially tear them apart if it was revealed? 

If Hiro found out the other two were using/manipulating him, that’d probably kill the relationship pretty fast. They were pretty transparent about how serious it was going to be, and finding out they didn’t mean that would hurt him deeply. He has a difficult time trusting people, so someone finally earns it, they EARN it, and he’s incredibly loyal to them. Having that thrown back at him would probably just reinforce the mindset of “don’t trust people” even more--which he’s actively been trying moderate somewhat. It’s kept him alive in NC but it’s been terrible for making allies/long-lasting friends. 

V thinks there is. V thinks if the boys found out how much V has to fight to not just be a human weapon sometimes they would leave her. She was a literal child soldier, she's been trained to kill since she was 8, and a lot of vital things got desensitized. Sometimes she scares even herself with how easy murder is to her. Hiro has a past he’s not super proud of either, and is fucking devoted, and Johnnys literally been in the depths of her brain and seen every shadowy corner of it. He knows lol. But it is a fear of hers, even if it’s not necessarily one that would play out like she expects.

10.) If something already happened to tear them apart, what would make them come back together? is it even possible?

Regarding physical separation--Hiro would want to be back with his people as soon as possible, especially if the separation was under bad circumstances/not something normal like a gig. He misses Vic/Johnny when they’re on separate jobs but he’s definitely more on the independent side (and enjoys a little bit of silence on occasion). Emotionally would be a different story. Hiro would try to leave if he felt V/Johnny were being abusive, but depending on how deeply in a relationship they were, he might have a challenging time with that. Him being loyal to someone is generally a good thing, but it could definitely be taken advantage of by unscrupulous partners, especially because it would make it hard to leave a situation, even if he knows he’s being treated badly. It would be easy physically separating himself, but emotionally would be much harder. 

For V it really depends. Physically, like through distance or kidnapping? They would all fight tooth and nail to be back together. Emotionally though would be a little different.  At least from Vs point of view, there are only two reasons she would remove herself from the boys. A.) She believes herself to be a risk to them.  So the risk would have to pass for her to come back. Whether that means she got a more firm grip on her sanity or she killed all her enemies. B.) The only other reason V would leave would be if she thought the boys had become abusive, emotionally or physically. It would be a really hard decision for her but she's been in an abusive relationship before. She wouldn't want to be stuck in that hell again. Something terrible would have to happen for that to happen though. And I don't know if V would be able to keep herself away forever. 

11.) What’s their favorite pass time when they’re upset?

Hiro usually goes for a long bike ride, and disappears for a few hours. It used to worry his partners but he’d rather just leave and come back when he’s not still upset and talk with them after everything’s calmed down a bit--after explaining that to them, they tend not to worry as much and just let him have his space for a little bit. Occasionally he’ll go out to a club and spend a couple hours dancing or just try to get out of his head for a bit/enjoy a healthy dose of escapism. If it’s really bad he’ll go spar by himself for a bit. He doesn’t trust himself to box with a partner if he’s really upset/the gorilla arms aren’t the best for casual training anyway, so he usually just sticks to a bag. He tries to at least say something before he leaves so his partners don’t worry. 

V goes and shoots things. If it's just something that happened in her apartment and she needs a brief respite, she goes down to Wilson’s and goes nuts at his range. He's even keyed her into the locks so she can do it if he's not there. If it's something more serious/disturbing, she'll go to the Badlands, find a nice cliff and snipe Raffen Shiv from it.

12.) Who do they confide in when shit hits the fan (besides each other?)

Hiro’s first instinct is to go to Viktor. The two of them have a close relationship and Vik was one of the first people Hiro was able to trust after he left TC. He appreciates the other’s warmth but also the fact that he doesn’t take shit from Hiro either. Vik claims that he’s bad at giving advice but sometimes Hiro just needs someone to be patient and listen as he tries to articulate things or mull them over. If it was something less serious he might vent to Claire or Pepe, and vice versa. He’s definitely heard his share of secrets/venting from them before as well. It took him a long time to feel comfortable enough to actually go and talk to people about stuff though--Vik’s definitely been a good influence, in that regard. 

V has a bi-weekly ‘book club’ (let's be honest it's really just a gossip circle) with Delamain and Barry, where she vents about life and the boys. It's a very classy event with coffee, books and hot goss. But for really serious things she'd probably go to Vik or Mama Welles.

13.) Is it hard for them to talk about their feelings openly with each other? if so, is there any way that can be resolved, even in the slightest?

Hiro has a hard time verbalizing his feelings. He doesn’t feel as articulate at it as Vic is, and it can be really frustrating for him. He’s more comfortable showing people how he feels, rather than saying it--especially when it comes to difficult conversations. He’s definitely learned a lot about it from V though, even if it’s still not his favorite thing to do. He’s definitely better about it than he used to be though, where he just didn’t adress feelings at all/bottled emotions up more.

V, on the other hand is super earnest and all about open communication.  She's trying to help the boys be more open but it's definitely an uphill battle. She's gotten really good at reading subtext with them. 

Thanks for asking! These were really helpful to flesh out their relationship more. (and to @shinycorvidae for letting me bug you about Vic)

[renaroo]

Cass Cain vs the Bat Family for the last slice of Alfred's pie. "Is that a challenge?"

A/N: This became a more Batfam entirety kind of story and then a commentary on the madness of quarantine in my own family using Uno as a proxy. Regardless it was a lot of fun to do.

Four Walls and Attitude 

Oracle places her hand against the map behind her. What was once a black and white scaled model of Gotham is now glowing a radioactive green with shades of green depending on the island, the neighborhood, and even the street.

Everyone, including Batman, stares in awe of the projection.

“In other words,” Oracle says, looking sharply over her glasses, “there is absolutely no way we can operate like normal without causing things getting worse.”

Silence spreads quickly throughout the cave. Most of them don’t even know what to make of the information.

Finally, giving voice to the general shock, Nightwing finally says, “Wow. Corona killed Batman.”

“It did not, the rest of you are staying in the manor,” Batman concludes, leading to an eruption of disagreement.

“Did you not pay attention to what I just said?” Oracle demands. “It goes for you, too, Bruce. No one in this cave can leave without it causing a major public health challenge. We patrol too many areas, cross-contaminate with each other too often, and, worst of all, we have immunocompromised family members of our own to worry about.”

It was an intentionally vague statement, but it doesn’t stop the meaningful glances toward Alfred and Red Robin.

Red Robin crosses his arms angrily. “I resent that statement.”

“Maybe keep better track of your spleen,” Red Hood snorts.

Black Bat is uncertain, shifting on her heels. “What do we do?”

“Social distance and adapt,” Oracle answers easily, straightening her glasses. “It’s possible to fight crime without punching people, you realize. That’s my entire M.O.”

The other vigilantes look at each other warily.

***

The size of the manor was enough reason on its own for them to make it their main base of quarantine. There are obviously more than enough supplies, more rooms than any of them could use independently, and access to equipment and the cave should emergencies arise.

Not to mention, the vast majority of them live there already.

Stephanie calls her mom, Barbara messages the Birds of Prey, and they all find solo activities for the first day, only really intersecting at the library, the kitchen, and the entertainment room during chance encounters.

That seemed to be a good call. And when there is a need for some social interaction, it’s almost always in their usual social groups however they naturally lie.

No one sees Bruce but that seems pretty par for the course.

It isn’t until the third day that things get slightly more challenging.

Stephanie, Duke, and Cassandra enter the mini-theater room with a giant tub of popcorn. The lights are off, but the projector is running and the main couch is occupied by Dick and Damian.

“Oh, didn’t realize you guys were in here,” Duke says sheepishly.

“SHH!” Damian hisses at them.

Dick arches back enough to look at the trio over his shoulder. “No problem, we’re watching Planet Earth. Want to join?”

Stephanie and Duke look at each other with mirrored grimaces.

Cassandra squints at the screen. “No,” she answers for them. “How long?”

“We’re marathoning,” Dick shrugs. “Started about an hour ago—“

“SHH!” Damian snarls at them again.

“We were hoping to watch a movie,” Steph says. Her gaze falls more on Damian than Dick, since he is no doubt the one to appeal to. “The Breakfast Club, it’s a classic. You’d like it.”

Duke looks at them all skeptically. “He would? Really?”

“Cass, you know there’s a different television set,” Dick says, pointing to the floor below.

“Tim’s playing,” Cass says in response, her hands holding up an invisible controller as she mimes Tim’s thumb movements.

“There’s a million places you can set up a laptop,” Dick continues to plea.

That earns a crossed look from Stephanie. “So? What do we need to do? Start putting signup sheets in all the rooms? Just share the projector with us after Planet Earth switches episodes.”

“No,” Dick and Damian say in unison.

The trio leaves the room angrily and, within the hour, clipboards with signup sheets begin being mysteriously adhered to all of the main rooms.

***

Jason has made it a point, nearly every day, to remind everyone that he will be the easiest adjusted to quarantine because he is the only true introvert.

The number of times the words introvert and isolated have left his mouth climb so high that, in secret, everyone is beginning to doubt the truth to them. If he is an introvert to the exponential extremes that he professes, surely he would not need to keep finding where everyone else is hiding to let them know it.

He has an alternating list of Zoom calls he is on each day. Hangouts he makes himself, making a point to inform the others quarantined to the manor than they are not invited to it.

The list of who is invited to it seems to grow by the day.

Kyle Rayner, Donna Troy, Ryan Choi. Then Roy Harper, Koriand'r, and Jade Nguyen. Then Artemis, Bizarro, and Miguel Barragan. Out of nowhere Duela Dent, Rose Wilson, and Suzie Su.

It’s halfway into the second week and Jason has the audacity to come into Tim’s room, pull off his headphones, and ask him if he’s bored.

“You know what I think,” Tim says, more than a little irritated. “I think you’re actually not an introvert. I think you’re not an introvert and you’re taking out your need for social contact out on the rest of us.”

Jason considers his comment, then breaks the expensive Beats in half before walking out the door.

***

Alfred begins making many desserts.

It starts with requests. Of course he will make whatever meal or whatever treat is asked of him, because it is nice to have all his loved ones safe, secure, and in the same location for once. Many of the desserts aren’t even difficult.

Then, somehow, they morph into bribes.

Despite the fact that Alfred has remained tight-lipped about his exact age for all these years, the quote-unquote children insist that he is too old to venture out of quarantine. Thus he must stay in the manor and rely on them to stock the pantry.

This doesn’t seem altogether terrible until it becomes obvious to Alfred that whoever he sends out will only get the foodstuffs they desire and not any of the important staples Alfred puts on the list.

Thus, the trades begin.

He can’t make his famous flan without evaporated milk. He positively will not make ginger layer cake without wine poached pears. And how can they snack on peach and pistachio tarts without honey?

Before Alfred has realized it, he has created monsters. Sugar craved, bored little monsters.

He puts a limit on the sweets he will cook in hopes of focusing instead on cooking favorite meals, but it’s too late.

Even Bruce is checking in on the kitchen at odd hours, looking curiously under the cake plate.

And cutting back the number of sweets Alfred is producing through the week also leads to another unforeseen circumstance.

They begin competing for what sweets are left.

***

Bruce looks in disbelief at the screen. Then he looks at the others. Then back to the screen.

“I distinctly remember us being on episode four,” Bruce says in a voice that edges on Batman.

“Last night, yeah,” Duke agrees, helping Alfred with everyone’s drinks.

No one else seems to find fault with the statement and are waiting for Bruce to continue. They pick at their independent devices lazily, only half attentive to any one thing.

It’s very dissatisfying considering the huge inconsistency that Bruce is detecting on their streaming service.

“Why is it saying that we’ve watched all the episodes already?” Bruce demands, voice sounding more hurt than he meant to let on.

Dick and Barbara simultaneously look up from their phones, toward each other, then back down. The others don’t even bother breaking their concentrations.

“You finished the entire series without me?” Bruce presses.

“Father,” Damian finally speaks up, sounding exasperated, “it is impossible to properly view things with you.”

Bruce squints at his youngest. “What does that mean?”

“It’s not just you, Bruce,” Stephanie says quickly, trying to smooth things over. “I can’t watch shows with my mom either.”

“Boomers just don’t know how to binge-watch,” Tim cuts with the final blow, not even looking up from his laptop.

Leaving the room in spite of protests, Bruce decides he is never going to watch the end of the show out of spite.

***

Cassandra has apparently made it a habit to not let others see her walk through doorways. As a result, she seemingly appears in rooms more than she enters them. Or, at the very least, she acts as though she just always has been and it is the other party who is intruding on her space.

As a result, it’s not altogether shocking when Duke looks up from his newly prepared plate and is met by his sister.

She is staring at his plate more than him.

“Oh, hey, Sis,” he offers her all the same. Then, instinctively, he shifts his shoulders to somewhat create a barrier between his plate and her. “What’s up?”

“Apple pie,” Cass announces as if it answers everything.

“Mmhmm,” Duke replies cautiously.

“Last piece?” she asks, her eyes gleaming.

“I’m sure Alfred will make another,” Duke says, then, slowly adding, “eventually.”

“Mine,” she snaps.

“No, you don’t even eat yours with vanilla ice cream!” Duke argues back, almost turning his back on her completely. “Just eat some of the cookies.”

“No!” Cass says, quickly shifting to be more aligned with the treat. “You eat them.”

“Cass, I got here first!” Duke snaps back, hooking afoot around the leg of the nearest chair. “Fair and square.”

“It was my pie,” Cass hisses. “I’ll take it back!”

“Is that a challenge?” Duke asks.

He sees her lunging and immediately kicks out the leg of the chair as he flips over it.

Cassandra is quick as ever and easily somersaults off of the falling chair to land over Duke’s shoulders. Her force is enough to send Duke’s body tumbling forward, but his body has proper instincts. He holds up the plate of pie above all else while using his free hand to find new ground, twirl his body out, and roll his head forward. Cass tumbles off his shoulders.

She hits the counters, but not before kicking off her shoe and sending it flying for Duke’s face.

He twists enough to lighten some of the impact, but the well-aimed shoe sends Duke into a tailspin.

The pie hits the floor with a sickening thud.

The siblings look crestfallen toward the prize, then each other.

Then they get angry.

By the time Barbara and Alfred burst onto the scene to break things up, the fight has utterly devolved and grown to the size of five Wayne heirs, three of which had no idea what the initial fight was even over.

Jason filmed it and sent it to everyone in his extended Zoom call list.

***

They are at each other’s throats. It turns out the Manor doesn’t have enough rooms.

Even Alfred’s treats are not enough to soothe the tensions anymore. Any little thing can set them off. So they spend the rest of the week finding solitary activities, barely communicating with words anymore.

Finally, some wounds begin to heal when Stephanie speaks to a room of others on their Switches.

“Hey, does anybody have an island with cherries?”

They play in harmony again, comparing villagers in hushed tones and sharing patterns for clothes.

Momentarily, there is hope that the peace will last forever, to the rhythm of island music and Blathers’ gibberish words.

It gives them twenty-seven hours of peace and nothing more.

***

“This absolutely will not work,” Barbara sputters as she pulls up to the table.

The others look at her with mild surprise, but they’re already seated. Jason is shuffling in preparation to deal. The arrangement from his left on is Stephanie, Cassandra, Barbara herself, Dick, Duke, Tim, and then Damian.

Damian is flanked by Jason and Tim. And only Barbara sees what the problem with this is.

“I am looking at a public safety hazard,” Barbara presses. “Dick, seriously, you’re going to let them do this?”

He thinks about it. “It’s a learning experience,” he determines.

“You dealing in or nah, Red?” Jason pushes.

She glares at them all, certain this is purposeful on at least some of their behalves, but she crosses her arms. “Okay, fine,” she says.

Jason deals out seven to everyone. Once he puts the deck in the middle, he turns over the first Uno card — green three — and with his free hand reaches in his jacket pocket for cigarettes. The others are already playing while Jason looks slightly miffed if not panicked when he can’t find the pack.

Under the table, Barbara can feel the shuffle of a pack of cigarettes being passed between other members of the table.

Shockingly enough, Jason doesn’t say anything verbally, but his eyes are already glaring at Damian as the pickpocket.

Stephanie puts down green nine.

Cassandra green Draw Two.

Barbara draws two.

Dick puts down a yellow Draw Two.

“No fair,” Duke chuckles.

Tim puts down a yellow Reverse.

Damian narrows his eyes. “You think you’re clever, don’t you, Drake?”

Duke yellow eight.

Yellow four.

Yellow two.

Blue two.

Blue three.

Blue Reverse.

Damian glares at Jason. “Is this planned?”

“How can they plan Uno, Dami?” Steph asks. Blue one.

Blue seven.

Barbara looks over her glasses at the table. She’s lost track of the cigarettes. “Don’t underestimate these people, Stephanie,” she warns as the ends up drawing five cards before finally laying down green seven.

Green nine.

Wild Card. “Let’s go with,” Duke looks through his hand cautiously, “Yellow again.”

There is a suspicious twitch to Tim’s lips as he puts down a Draw Four. “Let’s go back to red.”

Damian releases an explosion of expletives and leaps to stand on his chair.

“Ah, it was a mistake, my bad,” Dick says, rubbing a hand down his face.

***

Bruce is stone-faced at dinner, strangely fixated on his plate.

It’s not overly concerning, Bruce tends to be in quiet contemplation on most days regardless.

He finally looks up, though, and glares at them all.

“I finished it on my own,” he informs them.

They all stare back.

“Tiger King,” he clarifies. “They’re all guilty. But also. What the hell.”

Everyone collectively loses their minds again.

Alfred sighs and begins drafting a rotation for getting them all out of the manor more.

[lyndiscealin]

Kevin Day and my take on anxiety (disorder)

So... this is bothering me for a few weeks now. The following post will be more about me and my own problems than about Kevin’s. 

I write this because I had a false picture of Kevin for a long long time, which is entirely Neil’s fault. Or it’s my fault mainly because you never should believe what people tell you about other people. Only because Neil says that Kevin is a coward it doesn’t mean he is. So let me tell you why my own nervous breakdown opened my eyes and let me tell you some things about my own anxiety disorder I discovered only a few weeks ago.

But before that, I will explain you why Neil thinks Kevin is a coward. The facts are these: Kevin grew up relatively sheltered. Yes there was some abuse but it’s nothing compared to Neil’s or Andrew’s childhood, right? Yeah I think we kind of are on the same page here. Kevin’s childhood was far from nice or sheltered, but Neil and Andrew had it so much worse. And they turned out kind of brave and Neil seems relatively fine if you think about it.

But let us step a bit back. In our culture we have a really weird take on mental disorders. For us it is okay that Andrew sometimes is not able to function, it’s understandable, because he had it so bad. And we can fully understand that Neil is afraid of older men and can’t accept gifts without having a mental breakdown. But we are not able to comprehend that Kevin has a meltdown when only thinking that he could perhpas meet Riko. With two guardians at his side, with a lot of people watching so there is no way that anything could possibly happen even if Riko would be stupid enough to try something. And that is not understandable because rationally there is no threat, nothing to really worry about. Why can’t Kevin see it? Why can’t he be like Neil or Andrew? Why don’t we get that people can’t control what part of our brain breaks if we get hurt? Let us step even further away. Did anyone you know ever told you they sometimes can’t get out of bed? And you thought perhaps ‘why? Your life is good, no big drama in your family or anything particularly bad happened to you. Why are you depressed? Why can’t you function properly?’ If so, I have an answer for you: Our society treats mental illnesses differently to physical insuries. It’s in all our heads that you have to have a trauma for ‘being allowed’ to get mentally sick. There are people who fall out of a window on the second or third (or even higher) floor and they are okay. And we say ‘oh wow that was luck’. And then there are people who slide on the last step of a stair and break their ankle and their hip and their arm. Nobody says ‘but you just fell down one step??? How are you not able to hold it together? How did you break all those parts of your body? WTF dude?’. No, we accept that it happened, because we can see that it did. We have proof. Someone telling is ‘I broke my arm three years ago’ isn’t proof. We have to believe this person. Someone telling us ‘Nothing really bad happened to but my brain broke nevertheless’ can’t be proven either.

So... it depends a bit on the circumstances. If you fall there are circumstances, too. How good are you at catching yourself? Are you quick enough to grip something which can hold you up? Are you carrying something with you and on instinct you cling to it instead of letting it go and save yourself from the fall? Were you tired so your reactions are slower? Was your body angled weirdly before your fall because you were talking to someone? Is your bone structure alright?

It is the same for mental issues. There are circumstances and every individual lives in other circumstances. For someone who lived very sheltered being yelled at for the first time can be a traumatic experience. There are different coping mechanisms which develope pretty individually and without much control.

Everyone seems to get that there may be people who are just clumsy, but there are not much people who understand that there are some people who can’t defend themselves because they don’t know how. 

So let’s get back to Kevin: Even if the hand breaking was the first cruel thing Riko did to him, Kevin’s psych could have broken nevertheless. And it would be valid. Even if Riko just insulted him from time to time, it could have broken Kevin and it would be valid.

But Neil and Andrew are protecting him! - You might think. There is where my story comes in. So sit back and let me tell you a bit about anxiety disorders. You might know where this is going about now, I will tell anyway.

Let’s inspect my circumstances:

I was born sensitive. I am not sure if this is a genetic thing (I think it isn’t, my family has no sensitiv or empathic bone in them). Recent studies show that new borns try to please their mother so they will get fed. If I don’t mix anything there it is even more obvious with premies,  but I forgot why. I was born nearly 3 weeks early. I don’t know if this is true, but it would explain SO MUCH.

I was one of this babys who are really, really quiet. My mother tells stories about her checking in on me when I slept because she was afraid I had died in my sleep. I nearly never cried and always kept myself entertained. Not much work there.

But I turned out to be a pretty normal kid. There are stories about me getting my bigger sister in trouble and such things.

But then I got this eating disorder. No one knows why and I can’t remember properly. I can remember one day where my sister tried to trick me into eating dinner and I remember being annoyed by it because I knew what she was doing, but I can’t remember why I didn’t want to eat anything. I was fairly young. I don’t know if I was going to kindergarden at the time. So perhaps I was 3? Maybe 4?

Of course my mother was pretty worried. And then this friend of hers told her she should stop putting tableware for me on the table. And when I asked she should say ‘You won’t eat with us, why should I put it on there?’ I can’t remember this day, but every time my mother tells this story, she is proud because she fixed the issue. And I think she did something really horrible there. I don’t blame her. She didn’t know better and she was worried her child might stop eating altogether. But... but a child can’t understand this, right? ‘If I don’t behave like they want to I won’t get something to eat’ might be what I was thinking when she did this. It would make sense. Because I was a really angsty child. There are stories of me not even going to my grandma (who lives in the same house as my parents). I remember being afraid of using the wrong shampoo. I was so afraid of getting in trouble for things normal kids did without thinking about it. My mother has a short temper and she is pretty good in making you feel guilty, but none of my other siblings were as afraid as I was. I was terrified. 

And then my mother got depressed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what happened and I don’t know exactly when it happened but I remember being in 7th or 8th Grade and explaining to my teacher that I fucked up an announced and pretty easy test because my mother had a nervous breakdown a few days earlier. And that wasn’t the starting point of all of it. It began months perhaps years prior. in 8th Grade I was 14 or 15. (I was bullied in school, too, but that has nothing to do with my anxiety and I got over that about 10 years ago, so I will skip this part)

Because I was the sensitive one I was the only one who told other members of my family that whatever my mother did, she couldn’t help herself. I didn’t know what mental illnesses were yet, so I told the others she was pretty stressed and tired. My mother doesn’t know about this. She doesn’t know that for years people came to me to complain about her and I tried to defend her. She had huge fallouts with my sister and my father and my grandmother. Again and again and again. My sister moved out before it got really bad. I don’t even know how much she knows about what happened in the house. 

My mother never did anything more than yelling. She never beat us, she never took away our meals. She tried to be a good mother, I know this. She taught us how to swim and how to ride a bike. She got us through school and all three of us went to university (they are free in my country, she couldn’t have afforded the fees of an amarican university).

But she was emotionally abusive. My whole teenage life I felt like it was partly my fault that she was hurting so much. Because I couldn’t do it right. She never cumminicated enough with us. And every time something went wrong she yelled at us and made us feel like we were a burden. And there was more and more that went wrong because I was so afraid of doing something wrong that everytime I had to ask my mother of something, I waited until the last possible time. Until today my mother thinks I am unreliable and unorganized, but in reality I am obsessive with all my tasks and the only reason I was sloppy as a teenager was because I didn’t had the courage to ask my mother things. 

There ware months (perhaps a year or two even) where she seemed to do nothing but yell. I now call it the ‘divorcing phase of my parents’. They are still married but whenever I hear someone say how their home was a year before their parents divorced I think ‘Oh, that was this thing that happened there’. My parents still live together. Because you don’t give up on family.

That’s the other side of my family and until this year I was kind of proud about this fact: We are holding together. If someone is in need of help, he gets it. Or at least it seemed that way. Turns out that first of all: This is only for non mental things. When I first talked with my mother about my own depression she told me I shouldn’t go to a therapist because they were evil (that’s the short of the speech she gave me).  Second of all: I don’t even know how I should call this. Or how to explain. let’s say... there are a lot of exceptions to this rule and sadly my brother and I fell out of this rule pretty damn often. Third: Helping in need doesn’t mean being nice to each other the rest of the time. I would rather take it the other way around if I’m being honest. It would be shitty still but I can handle my own problems. I can’t bear my familiy....

In the 10 years or so where she was sick and kind of unbearable there was one rule in our household: Don’t get your mother angry. NEVER!!!!

And because my mother got used to it that her emotions were the most important of us all she stopped caring about others emotions. At least it seems like it. Let me give you some of her greatest hits, she told me in my face (it will sound a bit fake because I have to translate it from the german in my head to understandable english without losing information):

You don’t want to see your sister? What happened this time? Really, I can’t stand this right now. 

You are crying because you are afraid of the exam tomorrow? You can’t not write it, you would need even longer for your bachelors degree.

(When I had 2 days every week were I was out of the house from 8:20am until 9:30pm, two days from 8:20am to at least 5pm and had fridays off from university but had to do my homework and other prep still; and she all but worked for 30 hours a week): You never do anything in the household! Every time I come home it looks shitty! You have the weekends off, do something!

And then a week later after I didn’t eat more than one slice of bread each day and she asked me why and I couldn’t say ‘because of her’ because NEVER GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!! I told her that I was worried about my grades at University so I had some reason for feeling shitty that didn’t involve her... she told me that I had to get my ass up and study more because apparantly I had my weekends off so I had to do something on these days...

After the fall out with my sister which finally got me to go to therapy my mother told me that she wouldn’t get involved in any of our interpersonal problems anymore and that she expected us to behave around one another because we all are family and can be expected to get along (the translation of this sentence is: if you don’t keep swallowing the shit your sister does to you and say another word I will get really angry (AND YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!!)) She also told my sister that she was grateful my sister lived so far away and they weren’t able to see each other that much

So over time this whole ‘don’t get your mother angry’ thing muteted to ‘shut the fuck up because if you have a problem I get angry.’

This is my context (it is a lot I’m sorry)

But for 6 years now I don’t live with my parents anymore. My mother is better now, the last two years I visited regularly and we even had kind of fun together. I stopped talking with my mother about important things in my life. I still don’t get along with my sister because everything I am she either doesn’t understand or detests greatly (she hates that I am still a student after 10 years (I never took a dime from my family for going to university... just to be clear. I earn my own money since before I moved out))

But it was okay. We got along, most of the visits were pretty nice.

And then corona happened. Not because one of my family members got sick. We are healthy as can be. No... but because of corona I stopped visiting. Additionally my sister got a child.

I called my mother, father and grandmy regularly, everything was fine. I was so well me and my therapist talked about ending therapy. I was happy.

And then I heard that my sister still wanted to get her child baptised and wanted to make it a family event. With 12 people overall.

I didn’t want to come, because for me it was too dangerous. And because it wasn’t just the church visit, it was visiting a restaurant too. No possibility to wear a mask all day, keep distance... a fucking restaurant.

To her defense it was well planned. Both families (hers and her husband’s) were at seperate tables and it was in a seperate room from the rest of the restaurant. The possibility of someone getting sick was low. But it was there. And I was terrified so I said ‘No’.

I talked to my therapist first for a professional opinion on things and he too said it was okay to say no because of the corona situation. He advised me to write an e-mail so I did. I had anxiety attacks for 3 days while I wrote this mail. I let 10 or so people beta read it. I talked to friends if it really was okay to say ‘no’ because I was about to hurt my sister pretty bad with this. AND YOU DON’T HURT YOUR FAMILY!!! YOU JUST SHUT UP AND DO WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

On the day I sent the mail to my sister (and a copy to my parents so there was no ‘he said she said’ situation) my father called me. He was furious. How could I? My poor sister! My mother was also furious. How could I do this? I shoudl think about this. You are afraid? You can’t be afraid all your life you have to take risks and this isn’t even a risk you are ridiculous. It’s still 3 weeks until the event, think about it. He ended the call after 10 minutes with ‘I have to go, I am starting to cry’.

I couldn’t stop walking after this for hours. I walked miles in my apartment. I cried and cried and walked and hyperventilated. I don’t know what I would have done if not for my roommate who held me together somehow. I turned my phone and my mobile off, I was terrified to look into my e-mails. I hurt my family, all of them... I feld like dying. I can’t explain this feeling. This one phone call destroyed me. Completly. And I was better then... I had wanted to... ending therapy wasn’t an option now (and god was I glad we hadn’t decided to end it)

And this was only my father. My sister called me a week later or so. To her defense she really tried to be understanding. She wasn’t, but she tried. She didn’t yell, she didn’t even tell me that she had cried (she did, my grandma told me later) ... she really tried... but she also said that I should call my mother because she was ‘worried’ about me. My brother later told me, that my mother expected a call from me. I waited. Terrified. One panikattack after the other. The babptism went by... My grandma called and told me she wanted to kill my therapist for making me abandon my family. (never told her I even talked with him about the situation, she just assumed)

I somehow lived through her accusations and we ended the call on kind of good terms? But she told me I should call my mother. She wasn’t mad jsut worried. I didn’t want to. I waited.

I missed 4 calls of my mother and on friday I called her back. 5 weeks after I send the mail. I won’t tell you how the call went. It isn’t the point. I think I overshared enough here. It wasn’t pretty, but I have to come back to my point here.

After hearing this story you may imagine what a lot of my friends said: Just shut them out of your life.

But I can’t. My flatmate and all of my friends would help me through it, but I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. They threw everything away what I build the last years with them onyl because I didn’t went to the baptism (my family is not really religous btw. This isn’t about their believe. It’s because it was a family event and I opted out). I am at the end of my tether. But I can’t end it. Because I am terrified.

Because my brain is screaming at me that I can’t do this. I can’t.... I can’t... I can’t. And the longer I wait til my next visit the worse it will get.

I am stuck. My therapist and I try to work on it but it is difficult. There are so much layers of problems there, we aren’t through all of them and I am panicking everytime I have thoughts about my family. And I am angry. I am so, so angry. But I can’t do anything.

I am not a coward, I now this. I grew up in a family I had to duck my had to live. I moved out, started my own life, will get my masters degree in computer science at some point, I go to work like a normal human being and I am able to keep myself together. I am not a coward because the anxiety I feel was forced on me. I am mentally sick. All my coping mechanisms which helped me survive my childhood home are useless now and stand in my way.

I am not spineless. Visiting my family again is the most terrifying thing I ever did even if I know that nothing will happen there. No one will hurt me physically. I will go there and after a few hours I will come back to my home and my cats and everything will be fine. I know this. But I keep having panik attacks. I am still furious. I am terrified. And I feel powerless. Rationally I know that I have all the power here. My family is terrified of me breaking the bonds. I know that. It’s so much leverage, but I can’t use it. I just can’t...

I am not even able to ask my mother to one of my therapie sessions. So my therapist could help me say a few things.

I am terrified of Christmas. I don’t want to go. But I don’t know how to say ‘no’.

So back to Kevin.  I know how he feels when he is forced to see Riko again. I know the feeling. And he is not a coward or spineless; because he goes to games against the ravens, he goes to the banketts and in the last book he gets rid of the number and faces Riko on the court, spits some japanese which makes Riko furious and wins the fucking game. Only because Neil and Andrew can cope better with their Anxiety doesn’t mean Kevin is a coward. After everything I went though the last 12 weeks, I can say loud and clear: Kevin Day is a fucking hero And he has my respect. I hope one day I can get free of my boundaries, too. 

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter XXVI: Coleslaw is Good, Actually

My eyes feel like shit.

...My head also feels like shit. How much sleep did I get? Two hours? Three, if I’m lucky. In a few minutes, I’ll get a call. It seems to happen every time I’m home, without fail. I might only get a couple hours. Three, at most. Then, bzzt! There it goes.

I turned to my left side, where my husband was fast asleep. No phone call. No pager duty. Thank goodness.

Maybe it’s just one of those lucky days where I can actually get some sleep, I thought. Still, it wasn’t very likely to happen. I checked my phone. It was almost 8 AM. My husband, Cole, tended to sleep in. We both worked long hours at our respective jobs; mine, a doctor. Him, an electrician. I didn’t understand a bit of what went into that, but he never really discussed his job with me.

It must have been lonely, though. Going into people’s homes, fixing up lines. Something like that. Meanwhile, I had plenty of people to interact with. Had to put on smiles for them all. Many of them were dying of one disease or another, or getting surgery. It was kind of a gloomy position, but I was far from alone. In a way, our jobs might have been the same. We both kind of helped people. Without electricity, certain things wouldn’t work, like lights. Without doctors, some people couldn’t get better and their health would take a toll. But even then, I couldn’t save everyone.

That kind of line of thinking is terrible, though. For every life that we can’t save, there are at least a few that are. Even if the ratio was reversed, the lives that are saved make a huge difference. Seeing their smiling faces, going back home, or on the road to recovery, it was the whole reason why I do what I do...but then, the bloody messes, the ailments that get worse until their lives are lost. The ones who don’t recover, the grief and images stay with you and can’t be scrubbed out. Yet I’m required to smile and try to cheer everyone up regardless.

“When was the last time I smiled for you?” I leaned over, my face hovered over his, and mumbled. He didn’t answer. Of course not. The man was a heavy sleeper. What a blessing that I didn’t have to worry about whether or not he was getting enough sleep. What a curse that the few precious moments I have to see him, he’s often already asleep.

I poked his tit. Yes, that was the medical term for it. Or maybe it wasn’t. My brain went to weird places when I didn’t get much sleep.

“Hey hun. We should do something if we ever get a day off together. Maybe a nice dinner. Or we could go see the northern lights together. Wouldn’t that be romantic? We could stay at home, curl up with some popcorn, marathon Danny DeVito movies.”

He smiled, then stirred awake.

“All of that sounds good,” he muttered, his voice a very sour groggy sound. Like he just got done eating a bag of gravel. It was sexy in a way, though. I did hope that he was drinking enough water. Even in a cold place like this, it was important to stay hydrated.

His face was plain. His arms were beefy. Hairy, even. He had no shirt on, but a pair of jeans. His titties just poked out without a care in the world. Yes, as a doctor, I was qualified to say all that.

Why did I fall in love with him again? I forgot. That wasn’t such a bad thought. It was just how all of my energy was spent at work, caring for people I didn’t know, that my memory of him has long since slipped.

I recalled a time when I first informed Ray that I was now married.

“Who’s the lucky person?” He asked me.

“His name is Cole Slaw,” I told him.

“How did he propose?” Ray then asked. That I had to think over.

“He was like ‘will you marry me?’ And I shrugged and said, ‘sure’.”

“That’s it?! You do like him, right?!” That left him flabbergasted. I wasn’t sure why. Thinking about it, flabbergasted itself was a funny word.

“Yeah, probably,” I also shrugged.

Still, I knew I liked Cole for something. I just couldn’t remember what.

I could have written it down somewhere, just in case, I thought, but I also thought better of it. For me, it was enough to know that I did, regardless of circumstances.

Now, he sat at the edge of the bed. Time must have passed while I was lost in those thoughts. I was laying down.

“Let’s just stay in bed. I don’t have work today,” I poked Cole’s bare back. His well defined shoulder blades, to be more precise.

He turned to me, while slipping on a shirt. What a bummer. Still, his smile made it just a little more worth it.

“Sure, why not? Neither do I.”

Then my phone rang.

I checked it, but it was from a number I didn’t recognize.

It must not be work, then. It’s also not Ray. Maybe it’s better if I don’t answer that.

“Aren’t you going to answer that, hun?” He asked with a yawn while he rubbed his eyes.

Careful. If you didn’t wash your hands, you could get bacteria in your eyes. If you rub too hard, your eyes can get all irritated, were things I thought to say, but didn’t. Instead, I looked over.

“It’s not the hospital. I’d rather spend time with you,” despite my pleas, I sounded disinterested. My voice always seemed to betray me. The tired, low energy that I exerted. To combat it, I flitted my eyelashes.

The phone continued to ring. Its vibrations shook the bed. I continued to ignore it and stared at him.

“You should really answer that,” he pointed.

I sighed. Yes, any responsible doctor would, I imagine.

I picked up the phone and held it against my ear. As I did, I was greeted by the distraught voice of a young woman, her pitch on the higher end of the vocal spectrum, but still a bit of a roughness thrown in.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Hi,” my groggy, tired voice replied. Rather similar inflection that Cole had, as well, but I felt like if I had just a little more energy, I could have given a better tonal greeting.

“You’re a doctor, right?” She sounded unsure, as if she might have had the wrong number.

“Mm. That’s what they call me.” Except Ray, damn him. He still referred to me by name, as if he had little regard for all the hard work and accomplishments I made.

Actually, I think that’s just because we’re friends. He’s even gotten better at calling me Dr. Cole-Slaw. I guess I should cut him some slack.

“Good. Look. I’ve got someone who could really use a doctor. She hasn’t been feeling well in a few days and I’ve been doing my best, but she hasn’t been getting any better. I feel like shit, because I know I don’t know shit about medical shit, but I hate to see her like this. Could you please come over?” Her voice was frantic. Rushed, even. On one hand, she said please, but on the other hand, did she have to say “shit” that many times.

I sighed. Or yawned. Shook my head, as well. Just my luck, wasn’t it?

“Are you at the hospital right now?” I asked. Now I was the one who sat up, against the edge of the bed as well. It must have been instinct that I was already ready to go.

“No, but that shouldn’t matter, right?! She’s sick and you’re a doctor!” Worry now. Just about yelled into her phone. Not a good look. It was a pity, then, that I had to be the bearer of bad news.

“I don’t do home visits. I’m sorry. If you can make it to the hospital, I can treat this person there, otherwise –”

“Ray told me you were dependable!” She cut me off. How rude. Not the cutting off part, I could imagine how stressed she was. But that Ray would tell this person such a poisonous thought. Oh well, if anything, that just made things more interesting. In fact, a smile crept along my face.

“Ray and I have a special relationship,” I explained, then held the phone away and covered the speakers with my hand and turned to Cole. “Hope you don’t mind me saying that, hun.”

“Not at all!” He also smiled and waved his hand away.

I then put the phone back against my ear.

“You know Ray, huh?” I egged her on.

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m at his diner right now! So you should know where to go! Just come over!” She sounded on the verge of tears.

I shrugged my shoulders and had to stifle back a laugh. Loathe as I was to admit, but I felt like a sadist. Like I was the one holding all of the cards in this situation.

“I’m sorry, but even if I were to come over, I wouldn’t be able to treat this person without their consent. Doctors require the consent of the patient to treat them.”

“Ah, I understand,” her voice darkened. Almost drained of emotion, like how mine was. It was a little unnerving. Next, came the unexpected: she yelled.

“Hey Remora! Will you let this doctor take care of you?!”

“NO! NO DOCTORS!” In the background, a hoarse and wheezing voice yelled right back. It wasn’t all that loud, but it sounded like she used up a lot of energy just to muster it.

So that’s the sick one in question, huh? Could be laryngitis.

“Sorry, but she said no, so it’s out of my control,” I shook my head.

I then heard the phone be thrown onto the floor with a thud. No cracking sound. She must have had a durable phone, at the very least. Then came another slam, this time, it was her fist against the wall. Something I shouldn’t have been able to hear.

It probably got put on speaker by accident. I should probably hang up, but I feel it would be rude to do so without saying goodbye, even if I feel like this isn’t getting anywhere.

“Why...why is it always like this? I try to help, but I can’t help anyone. I’m so useless. I can’t cook, I stumble with my words, and I barely understand myself, let alone others. I want to help, but there’s nothing I can do!” She ranted on.

“By the way,” I pointed out. “You’re on speaker.”

No response. Maybe it really was useless. It wasn’t a total lie to say that I needed permission. As disappointed as she would probably be, I didn’t see any other way around it.

“Sorry, but I’m going to have to go now –”

“Just. Wait. Stay on the line,” she seethed. She was still a few feet away from her phone but I heard it well enough.

Her footsteps then. She must have been in the same room as the would-be patient.

“Why don’t you want to see a doctor?” She asked. As quiet and calm as her voice was, I doubt it really was. If I had to guess, she was just determined.

“I hate them. They scare me,” replied the weary voice.

I wonder if I should take offense. I don’t. I’ve heard such things before. People being afraid of dentists. Surgeons. Needles. Scalpels. Can’t say I blame her.

“Why do they scare you? You’re the toughest person I know. If anything, you should scare them.”

...The fuck? I thought. What does being tough have to do with seeing a doctor? The nerve.

Still, props for one thing: whether fake or not (I couldn’t gauge one way or the other), her voice turned gentle, patient, even. There was still a roughness there, but her attempt at being calm was commendable.

“It’s because they give false hope. They say they can cure you if you just give them money, and then they don’t. Worst yet is that I’ve believed them. It’s fine if it helps others, but I want nothing to do with them.”

For someone with such a weak voice, all of that came out clear. Maybe I just had really clean ears. I think that was a good quality to have. Everyone should keep their ears clean.

“Is this related to your other condition?”

“Yes. It’s unbearable sometimes, and I’ve been desperate in the past to get rid of it. I know it’s not normal and most people don’t experience things that way, but despite everything, it persists.”

Huh. Interesting. Don’t know what kind of doctors told her such things, but that didn’t sound right.

“Well, I can’t promise that this doctor can help with that, either. But you’ve got another condition right now that could be treatable. And if she comes and promises you something she can’t keep, then I’ll beat her up for you. You can count on that.”

Who the hell does she think she is? Beating up a doctor?

There was a few seconds of pause. Time which could have been spent laying back down, if I had such a luxury.

“Okay. I’ll do it,” came the reply of the hoarse voice at last.

Footsteps again. Phone picked up. Muffled sounds of static, then:

“She consents,” returned the roughness.

“So I heard,” my smile remained. It was less mean-spirited now. More genuine. “Good job. You must really care about her.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you two friends?” I asked, ever so curious.

“No.”

“Lovers?”

“Nothing like that.”

Huh. It seemed like they were close in some way.

“Siblings or relatives?”

“Not at all.”

“Then what is your relation?”

“I don’t know. I just really care about her. That’s all.”

Such a simple reply. I suppose it was better than nothing. Things didn’t always need to be so well defined, anyway, did they?

“So? Will you come over?” She pressed the issue. Right. It seemed like everything was in the clear. Almost.

“I don’t know…” My voice trailed. That famous “unsure” phrase when you really wanted to say no, but weren’t confident about doing so. In my case, I felt a little playful about it, though. It probably didn’t come out playful. Probably came out more morose, if anything.

“Oh, come on, hun. Quit teasing them!” Cole scolded.

I covered the phone.

“But I wanted to spend time with you,” I whined. Again, probably didn’t sound like a whine. Probably sounded like I was bored.

By all accounts, everything was in the clear. Well, almost…

“Look,” I gave my reply at last. “I don’t work for free.”

“I get it. I’m willing to pay whatever it takes. Name your price.”

How bold. Just how rich was she?

“I don’t need your money,” I answered her.

“Then what? Like I said, I’m willing to do anything.”

Ray’s influence must have rubbed off on me. Maybe just a little. For I knew just what I wanted.

“A favor. I am doing you a favor by going there. So you will owe me a favor in return.”

“What’s the favor?” She asked, a noticeable gulp emitted from her.

“I will tell you when the time is right,” I gave my cryptic answer. In truth, I had no idea what I would ask of her, at all, but it felt exciting to know that somebody owed me something in the future.

I buttoned up my blouse. There was a spare pair of scrubs and a mask in the Hospital Mobile (my truck which holds many medical supplies and equipment).

“Sorry, hun, but I’m leaving you,” I joked to Cole in my (unfortunate) tired monotone. He didn’t give an answer. Not so much as a chuckle. “I’m going to be seeing someone else.”

Again, no answer. I looked behind me. He was once again fast asleep.

“I’ll be back later tonight,” I whispered to him as I got up. Hopefully that was a promise I could keep.

On the way there, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all too familiar. That I’ve done such a thing before. That’s when I remembered that almost a couple years ago, I went over there to check up on some kid. Apparently this woman found her and got all panicky. Ray called me up, filled in the details, and I accepted. All because I owed him a favor. Now I’d be going to that place again, all because someone was going to owe me a favor.

And thus the cycle repeats.

What was that favor, though?

I thought hard about it. My memory was often too fuzzy to remember precious moments outside of work. It was a shame, but what could I do?

Then it hit me: the favor was work related. Of course it was.

It was a horrible experience. Blood bags had gone missing. The staff were having trouble doing transfusions and some of the patients had reported strange shadows in the middle of the night. Rumors started circulating about there being vampires. I didn’t buy into such things, but that didn’t matter when the serious reality was that medical supplies were being stolen.

Ray was an old friend of mine. Acquaintance, more like. We met...I don’t remember where or how. Maybe we both went to the same school at one point. Couldn’t tell which, though, if any. Maybe we just met at a bar. That wasn’t likely, but it was just as likely as the school thing, considering my poor memory. Whatever it was, he had told me a few years back about his side job as someone who investigates rumors. It was a stretch, but I was desperate.

Similar to that girl on the phone, I too was willing to pay whatever price he asked for. Those patients were much more important than any money or possession I may have had.

“You don’t need to pay me anything, Shirley. We’re friends, aren’t we?” Despite his warm and soft voice, he had that sly smile about him like he already knew what he wanted. “Just consider this a favor.”

“Oh, thank you,” I was relieved. I must have been in tears, and I was so wide-eyed, too.

“But, if this is a favor, then a favor is what you will owe. Favor for a favor,” he waved his finger. Of course. I should have known. His nature was already familiar with me, and he loved to strike up deals.

“Very well,” I told him. “Do you have anything in mind?”

“How about this? If I find out what’s been behind this and return those blood bags back to you, then the next time I need medical care, you will be there. No matter where I am. Can you do that?”

I couldn’t tell who was getting the better deal, but I agreed. As the days passed, the worries grew. Those who needed blood couldn’t receive them, as we were still short supply. But then, on the third day, he returned, with many bags in a box of ice.

“Hope these will still be good,” he motioned to the box. I was so relieved, but I couldn’t help but wonder what the truth behind the matter was.

“So, was it vampires?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, no,” he sounded disappointed as he shook his head. “It would have been fun if they were, then I could have been a vampire hunter. In the end, though, they were just some cult of weird guys who thought they were vampires, but weren’t really.”

“Despite the answer being mundane, there’s something still awful about that, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but I was hoping for something more exciting.”

As detached as that sounded, and as much as I must have been appalled at that at the time, now I found the sentiment resonated with me. Sure, there were “exciting” things at the hospital, like heart attacks and sudden worsening conditions, but after a while, it was hard to even react. It just becomes sad. Even if it was something dramatic, or brought on by misfortune, I would rather experience something like out of an action-adventure movie. Maybe dinosaurs or bandits. Something where I could feel triumphant. Not that there weren’t triumphs. Lives that were saved, patients who got to go back home to their families. But...I wasn’t sure. Maybe I just wanted to feel something that wasn’t work related.

It didn’t take long for me to arrive. I got out into the brisk air. Something else I was used to, as well. Why did I ever choose to live in such a harsh and gloomy environment? If I searched for the answer, I might have come up with something like, “because despite how hard things can be, there is still beauty to be found here.”

Would that have been the truth? I wondered that as I got into the scrubs and reached into the back of the truck for my briefcase. In it were various medical supplies which I might not even need, but it still seemed useful to bring.

After all that was settled, I ventured in.

Inside wasn’t anything special. An empty that was too clean for its own good. It was a shame, considering I knew how passionate Ray could be about cooking. Not only that, but with the cleanliness, if others were to walk in they would be wowed by presentation alone. That was my opinion, as a doctor, anyway.

My first encounter with another living soul was a child who ran from the back door and up to me. She had orange and red streaked hair which resembled a red panda. Or a tiger. Though red pandas were easier to envision.

“Oh whoa! It’s you!” She remarked. As if she recognized me. Which meant that I might have seen her before. Then it clicked. Of course. That was the same child that the strange woman found. It turned out that although she would have died if left out longer in the snow, she still didn’t suffer any long term ailments. Still, I had the one who recovered her watch over her as she rested and to observe her condition. Later on, the child went in for a check up. Despite not knowing her legal name or anything like that, I still made sure she was in good health. Names weren’t really all that important, anyway. But I remembered it was something weird…

“Pandatiger?” I snapped my fingers. That was probably right. Probably.

“No! Tigershark!” She roared.

“Oh, forgive me, Tigershark,” I tried to work up a smile, but I just wasn’t in the right environment. “Have you been keeping healthy?”

She grinned. Teeth whiter than any kid had the right to have.

“Yup!”

“Good,” I worked up something like a smile. I don’t know what effect it had, if any. I then made my way to the back, where I was sure the real victim, er, patient was.

Once past the door, I was greeted by another: a frantic young woman, not much taller than the child, with wavy, green hair, and who paced about the hallway. As soon as she noticed me, she looked both relieved and even more worried than before.

“Oh thank goodness. You’re here. Hurry. I’ll show you to her room,” she carried with her a seriousness, a glum expression on her face.

Was it that bad?

I followed her to the first room on the left. Sunny and Ray were noticeably absent. Maybe in their room, or in the kitchen. Their whereabouts weren’t of any importance, I suppose, but I was hoping to at least see one of them.

When I opened the door, I saw her huddled with many blankets and sitting against the corner of the wall, working up a sweat and her face red. She coughed a low, but continual cough. Then, our eyes met. Although her voice sounded about gone, she still tried to screech.

“You! Out of all the doctors, that’s the scariest! How could you, Demetria?” She wailed, and some of the syllables were missing, so I had to fill in the blanks. Of course, all of that just amused me. I let out a chuckle.

“We meet again, don’t we? First, it was because you wanted to save the life of that Tiger girl, then it was because you brought Ray to my hospital. Now the roles are reversed.”

Back when I saw her those other two times, she had red hair. Now it was black. Which suited her, I just wasn’t used to it. Something told me she could pull off just about any color, though black was likely the most natural.

“Sorry, she’s afraid of doctors,” the green-haired girl apologized. That I already knew.

“She has a good reason to be. What with all of those foreign objects going inside people while they’re often asleep, hopped up on anesthesia.”

“I want a different doctor!”

I slapped on some gloves, then let out another chuckle.

“Looks like you’re completely at my mercy,” I couldn’t help myself. Yes, it was awful.

“Can you please not antagonize her? She’s already got it rough as it is,” Greenie (there had to be some kind of nickname) scolded me.

“Of course. How insensitive of me,” I replied, with my usual dull voice of apathy. I wish it expressed how truly sorry I was.

I walked over to the one shivering, possibly out of fear.

“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do,” I tried to be more comforting.

“I want you to go to hell,” my unruly patient rasped. Then she stuck out her tongue.

I looked over at Greenie.

“What is she doing?” I asked.

“Trying to push you away,” Greenie answered.

“Is she usually like this?”

“It depends.”

I see. Well, couldn’t say I wasn’t used to it. Patients with bad attitudes. It didn’t really matter what their attitudes were. They still needed help and they were still patients.

“I’ve been naughty, doc,” that black haired woman looked up and smiled a sly smile while her eyebrows were raised. She bobbed her head, as if she were to pass out at any moment. Speaking of moments, I allowed one to pass before I continued. She continued to stare up with what she probably thought was a suggestive expression.

“Okay, so anyway, I’m going to have to ask you a few questions. First off, do you smoke?”

Her eyebrows lowered and she turned her head to one side, but before she was able to shake it to signify “no”, she clutched her head and went, “ow.”

“Headaches, huh? Fever, chills, short breath –”

“The chills are nothing new,” she corrected me.

“I wasn’t done. Also, you’ve been coughing and your voice sounds like it’s run dry. Tell me, is it hard to talk?”

“That’s not the only hard thing about me,” she moaned. It wasn’t seductive at all. For added measure, she once again went, “ow,” at the end.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Although you’re still trying to do so anyway, which...don’t do that.”

“Usually she’s a terse talker,” Greenie informed me.

“I see,” I nodded. “I think I’m starting to form an idea of what it could be, but I’ll have to do a few more things to confirm.”

First, I set my briefcase on the floor and pulled out a stethoscope from it. I was going to listen to her lungs in order to see if there were any abnormalities in their sounds. Before I could press the end up to her, though, she groaned. Then snapped.

“Don’t put that cold, metal thing on me. It’s bad enough everything else is cold.”

“It’s just for a few seconds. Can you handle that?”

She growled. But I took it as a yes anyway. I pressed the end against her chest, where her lungs were located, and listened in.

“Don’t get too cocky and start feeling me up with that,” she groaned and swayed.

“My husband’s titties are better than yours,” I replied. That shut her right up.

Once I managed to focus, I heard it: little rumbling sounds. That seemed to confirm my suspicion, but it wasn’t enough. There were other things I had yet to know.

“We can either do a blood test next or an X-Ray. Which would you prefer?”

“No needles.”

“OK. X-Ray it is.”

“Does that mean no more Ray?” She asked, and I assumed she must have been trying to crack a joke.

“Reply hazy. Try again.”

Also from my briefcase was a pocket X-Ray. I pulled it out.

“By the way, can I get your name? If you’re having trouble talking, don’t worry about it,” I tried to make conversation.

“Rhea,” she stated, though in a wheeze.

“You don’t have to lie to her, Remora!” Greenie jumped in.

“I know. That’s why I’m not,” Rhea, or Remora replied.

“Are you by any chance related to Danny DeVito?” I asked, offhand, as I thought about how she shared the same name as Danny DeVito’s wife. I was kind of jealous, actually.

“What?” Greenie spat. Not literally, else I would be mad, but, y’know.

“Oh, you know. Just one of the greatest actors of all time. If not the greatest. Everyone always says that Matilda was the best part of Matilda, but Danny DeVito made that movie what it is. He makes everything he stars in good just by virtue of being in it.”

“Uhh…” Both of them uttered.

“Anyway,” I held the pocket X-Ray up to Rhea, or Remora’s chest. How a pocket X-Ray worked was beyond me. I was a doctor, not an engineer.

As I glanced down at those chest bones, I saw where her lungs were and noticed some substances built up. I nodded, then closed up the pocket X-Ray and put it back into the briefcase.

“Tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?” I inquired.

“About a week ago. Couple days before Demetria’s birthday,” she answered. Good. So she could behave when she wanted to.

“Who’s Demetria?” I put my hand up to chin and shook my head. More questions arose than answers. Not good.

“It me!” Greenie, once again jumped in. Or Demetria, I guess.

“Oh. Here I’ve been calling you Greenie in my head this whole time,” I remarked.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I can do whatever I want in my head,” I stated with conviction.

“Never mind that, what do you mean, a couple days before my birthday?!” Demetria (sigh, I really liked Greenie more) gasped.

“It was while I was out to earn money. I felt a little bit off. I ignored it and figured it would go away on its own,” Remora/Rhea explained.

“Tsk. Just like Ray with his infection. Why do you guys neglect your bodies?”

“What does it matter to you?” Remora/Rhea retorted.

“Because human lives are precious,” I replied without hesitation.

“Do you really believe that?”

“I have to. Otherwise this world would be far more bleak.”

“I wish I believed that as well.”

“What about the needle? The poison?” Demetria pressed the issue. That was also concerning. None of that got mentioned before.

“It only affected you,” Remora muttered.

“Even so, I think I should run some tests on you as well,” I turned to Demetria.

“That’s not necessary! It just made me pass out! Besides, it was just skin contact, it didn’t puncture me.”

“Still, if you were to pass it to her through contact, that could mean that she was affected by it as well.”

Demetria looked down, hands balled into fists.

“I didn’t consider that...I’m sorry…”

“Anyway, she’ll probably live. Probably,” I tried to reassure Demetria. Maybe Remora/Rhea too. Since I couldn’t guarantee anything.

“Probably?!” Demetria sounded about ready to snap.

“Yes. She has pneumonia. It can potentially be fatal, but in her case, it seems pretty mild. There’s some bacterial build up in her lungs, so I’ll prescribe some antibiotics. Make sure she gets plenty of rest and water. It may take up to a month before she recovers, and even then she might be a little out of it.”

It seemed like my work was done. Nothing more to say, then.

“Before you go, can you check one more thing for me?” Demetria asked.

“What?”

“She’s got this condition where she always feels like she’s cold,” Demetria began to explain.

“Huh. Has she thought about moving someplace warmer?”

“No. That’s not it. She’ll crank the heater way up and while everyone else is burning to death, she’ll still be cold. Even in warmer climates, she’ll still be shivering. It gets worse in social situations, but it’s there all the time. I was wondering if you could identify the cause of it, if nothing else.”

“Hmm…” I pondered. It didn’t take long, however, for me to come up with an answer. “It could be a number of things. However, it’s not something I could check out very well right now, as one of the side effects of pneumonia is that it gives people those shivery feelings. Maybe when she’s better, I could check for various things, if she let me.”

“Would you, Remora?” Demetria asked. Her...something (since I guess wasn’t a friend. While I said earlier that such titles weren’t important, I now found it hard what to use to describe their relationship) groaned but didn’t quite answer. Maybe it was getting to be even more painful to speak.

“It could also be psychological,” I pointed out. “If so, I know a pretty good therapist. I can give you his business card, if you’d like.”

“Am I some kind of joke to you?” Remora’s weary voice returned to retort. “I’m a paragon of mental health.”

“There’s no shame in seeking therapy,” I pointed out to her. Maybe she was of the belief that such things were beneath her. “I’ve seen one a few times.” I could probably use seeing one again.

“Yes, I agree. But I don’t need one. Watch this,” she stared at me, and I stared back, waiting for something to happen. Then she fell back to her side and went to sleep.

“Well then, I suppose that about covers it,” I left the room and Demetria followed behind. I was about halfway down the hall when she ran after me.

“What about the antibiotics?” She stopped and asked in a huff.

“I’m going to get some from my truck right now. Also, if you have any pain relieving medication, I would advise she take that for her headaches, as well. I would also suggest you be present in the room with her when she takes her pills. Something tells me she won’t take them otherwise.”

“I’ll try to remember all that.”

“Oh, and if her other condition is psychological, then there may not be a ‘cure’ and she will instead need to find a way to manage it. I wouldn’t want to give her false hope, either, so rest assured of that.”

“Thank you again,” her voice grew quiet.

I shrugged. “Just try to get her to the hospital next time.”

After that was all settled and I gave Demetria the pills, I headed home. It felt nice to help someone outside of the hospital, even if it still meant I had to leave home to take care of someone else. For a little bit, it even seemed like I felt something, though it seemed to come in dribs and drabs and I couldn’t pinpoint which moments those were. With any luck, I could still spend some time with Cole, if he didn’t leave for work, himself. Or if I wasn’t needed back at the hospital. Like I said, with any luck.

[homestuckexamination]

The format of that description looks to 100% like the real thing :O Did you spend a lot of time making it look as similar as possible, or is it part of a fan adventure or something like that? (Because I would totally want to read it if it was real)

I kinda wrote it on the spot back when I made it! She’s actually repurposed from an older OC of mine that I’m using for other things, so I had a solid idea about how she was already, and simply adapted it to an Alternian setting.

I HAVE considered making a Fanadventure in the past, but noooo way, I don’t have a team of people and it’d be way too much work for a side project X3. I would love to get involved in something big and Homestuck-y, but as a hobby, running four different blogs and doing art keeps me busy enough as is. Most of my OCs are either for Fun, or for planned Fan-Session RPs I’ve had with my friends, so there’s nothing really public around!

Also, I found my documents, so I now remember their Classpects and have all of their descriptions here!

Rhoxym - Seer of Doom

Jamita - Thief of Rage

Your name is JAMITASELKEE.

You think everyoneshould TAKE A STEP BACK and CHILL THE FUCK DOWN. Born as one of the rare JADECASTE, you have no shame in admitting your status as a RUNAWAY, and in fact,REVEL IN IT. You hold a PROFOUND BELIEF that everyone was put on this world fora purpose, and you are OUT TO FIND YOURS. Everything in nature, everything inlife, has a CONNECTION, a MEANING, and the more time you spend searching forthe MISSING PIECES IN YOUR LIFE, the more you have come to notice how ABSURDYOUR ENTIRE SOCIETY IS.

Everything from theCASTE SYSTEM to your SOCIETAL CONVENTIONS make absolutely no sense to you,which is why you’re lucky to be part of the ONLY CASTE IN YOUR SPECIES able towithstand the SEARING HEAT OF THE DAY, allowing to wander when NO ONE IS OUT TOFIND YOU. Furthermore, ever since your awakening as a RAINBOWDRINKER, you havehad no problems scaring away PROSECUTORS and even occasionally IMPERIAL DRONESthat wandered too close. You like trying to make others SEE THE WAY YOU DO,preferring REASON over VIOLENCE. However your INTENSE, OCCASIONAL THIRST FORBLOOD makes it hard to keep encounters CIVIL all the time. But that’s okay,your LUSUS helps you trap unsuspecting Trolls and Lusii for you to FEED ON. HerQUICK SANDS were the first thing that taught you patience and calm in diresituations, and for that you are EXTREMELY GRATEFUL TO HER, allowing her todevour the CARCASSES OF THE DECEASED, DRAINED BODIES YOU LEAVE BEHIND. LususCarcasses. Not Troll Carcasses, God dammit, you TRY TO NOT DRAIN THOSE OF YOURSPECIES COMPLETELY.

You are as much of aROOKIE PHILOSOPHER as you are a CONNOSIER OF FINE BLOODS, and without manymaterial possessions, some of your favorite past times involve HEATEDPOLITICAL, RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATES. These are the only times youtend to get CARRIED AWAY with more long winded messages and stronger emotionalresponses. You believe any ARGUMENT or GRUDGE can be solved with aHEART-TO-HEART, and often AUSPISTICE BETWEEN YOUR FRIENDS, even when they don’task for your help. SPECIALLY when they don’t ask for your help. You tend toKNOW BETTER than they do after all.

Your search for newENLIGHTENED HEIGHTS and your PURPOSE IN LIFE has led you to the occasionalconsumption of PSYCHOSOMATIC STIMULANTS, but with your lifestyle, it has becomeincreasingly difficult to find any of the GOOD STUFF around. You’re so closethough. You have been tracking your BLOODLINE for SWEEPS, and have spent DAYSIN DEEP MEDITATION over the plan PARADOX SPACE has for you, and you just FEELlike something is just about to UNLOCK YOUR CHAKRAS AT ANY MOMENT. But untilthen, you will just KICK BACK, RELAX and LET THE ECHOES OF NATURE FLOW THROUGHYOU.

Your username is transcendentMediator,and you kind of. don’t care about small talk. until you find something you careabout™.

Shikra - Bard of Doom

Your name is SHIKRAOMYINE and you have been VERY, VERY BAD.

Those of your blood,at the bottom of the HEMOSPECTRUM, are often treated with disrespect, and madeto face all sorts of ABUSE AND HUMILIATIONS, but out of all rustbloods you’repossibly the one with the MOST ROTTEN LUCK out there. You must have really donesomething extremely wrong in a past life, because KARMA is always a BITCH whenit comes to you.

As such, you’ve oftentried to SEEK REPENTANCE in order to sate the FORCES OF FATE ATTEMPTING TO DICKWITH YOU. And somehow, every single time, it BACKFIRES TREMENDOUSLY. But it’sokay. You’ve gotten USED TO IT with time. You have learned well that fate issomething you can’t stop. That NO ONE CAN STOP. Karmic destinies,predestination, they’re shackles tying civilization down, leading it down thepath of inevitability, and you’re pretty much just ALONG FOR THE RIDE ASEVERYTHING BURNS AROUND YOU.

You have NOCONVICTION when it comes to fighting fate, but if you believe it to be yourdestiny to do something, or see someone resisting their own fate, you will GOFUCKING NUTS and PUSH THEM THE WAY THEY ARE MEANT TO GO, no matter what thatfate of theirs may be.

Your room is aCOMPLETE AND UTTER MESS, you don’t remember the LAST TIME YOU CLEANED IT UP,but then again you also barely remember the LAST TIME YOU TOOK A SHOWER. Whybother after all? Everything is going to end up the same way in the end.

While some may callyour outlook on life FATALISTIC and OUTRIGHT WRONG, you have been using thisdemeanor of yours to HELP OTHER LOWBLOODS, specially other rusties, to ACCEPTTHEIR ULTIMATE FATE. You have held several congregations in your hive for thosewho have given up, and HELPED SPEED UP THEIR DEMISE. It feels good relievingsomeone of their SUFFERING.

…

Yeah.

You may be a bit of aFUCKING PSYCHOPATH.

Your username isominousEntropy, and you come across… as somewhat manipulative at times… haha…?;)

Tiamat - Page of Breath

Your name is TIAMAT SAAVAN, and you can’t remember the last time you TOOK AN ABLUTION. 

Not that there’s anyone around to MAKE YOU DO IT- And even if they were, what COULD they do about it? You’re probably one of the BIGGEST TROLLS YOUR AGE in just about every way, from the IMMENSE MANE that rivals that of HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION’S, to your POWERFUL LEGS, which you have cracked QUITE A FEW LUSUS SKULLS with. You like HUNTING PREY, but if there’s anything better than that, it has to be MESSING WITH IT FIRST. OTHER TROLLS make particularly fun targets, when they find a SEEMINGLY LOST GIRL, alone in the JUNGLE. You get FREEBIES by TAGGING ALONG with them, but occasionally, you have also DRAGGED THEM BACK TO YOUR HIVE or ATTACKED THEM depending on the circumstances.

The area you live in is YOUR TERRITORY, which you inherited from your CHOLERBEAR LUSUS when you BESTED HER IN WILD, FERAL COMBAT. She was an overbearing burden either way, but taking your ONLY PARENTAL FIGURE so early in life, and in such an isolated location, had… CONSEQUENCES. DRONES don’t patrol this far into the Jungle, which also means you’ve spent a good chunk of your life ISOLATED FROM CIVILIZATION. Your Hive isn’t even in Imperial Records, having been CARVED through the years from a FALLEN, ANCIENT TREE, first by your Lusus and then by you. You have NO EXPERIENCE with social interactions, and yet, ironically, because of this, you possess a MATERNAL, NURTURING INSTINCT practically UNSEEN in most of Trollkind.

It was only last sweep that you got your hands on a PALMHUSK from one of the Trolls wandering too far into the woods. TURNING A NEW PAGE in your life, realizing that there’s more to the world than you thought it was, you’ve been… Trying to make friends. But sometimes you just need to STEP BACK and CATCH YOUR BREATH before you burn yourself out. 

Your trolltag is untamedPersuasion, and you. not really good. with big words yet. :( but you. try. :3

Lilith - Lord of Void

Your name is. 

Your name- 

… 

You have some PROBLEMS. 

Your name is LILITH MIRREA and you’re a completely AVERAGE TEALBLOOD.

You cannot exactly RECALL how most of your LAST WEEK has gone, or your ENTIRE LIFE for that matter. Everything BLURS together when you spend most of your waking hours in AUTOPILOT.

Your peers know you as an EXEMPLARY LEGISLACERATOR IN TRAINING. You have been STUDYING ALTERNIAN LAW from a young age, got yourself a NICE HIVE for you and your BLIND ANACONDA MOM, and proceeded to… Wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Night after night, you READ ALTERNIAN LAW. You TALK TO YOUR PEERS. You present yourself as the PERFECT ALTERNIAN CITIZEN, PERFECTLY RUTHLESS when needed, PERFECTLY COMPLIANT when required, PERFECTLY AVERAGE, PERFECTLY FINE. 

PERFECTLY DEAD INSIDE. 

You swear hardly a SINGLE ACTION you’ve done in your life has been your own. You STRUGGLE ENORMOUSLY with concepts regarding IDENTIY and WORTH, in a world that has proven to encourage keeping this SOUL-CRUSHING DAY-TO-DAY of yours. You have NOTHING you care about. You have NO ONE you trust enough to TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS, and you lack any semblance of WILL or DRIVE to accomplish anything in your life.

So you just keep going. The PERFECT ALTERNIAN ROLE MODEL. You KEEP WAITING. So that maybe something will eventually FILL THIS VOID inside of you. But… GOOD LORD.

You don’t know how long you can keep this up.

Your trolltag is listlessConduit, And you really talk in a sort of disinterested manner because like I dont know I guess some conversations are okay from time to time maybe

[a-heist-of-words]

A story about White Privilege and why we must recognize it in ourselves.

This story mentions current events regarding racism, the police, and guns, so please be advised.

Let me tell you a little story about white privilege and how I understood just how much of it I have.

Now, first of all: I am Mexican. Both my parents are Mexican from Mexican families. I was born and raised here; I have lived here all my life and I still do.

But for all intents and purposes, and due to sheer genetics, I am also white.

My skin is the lightest out of all my family, to the point where many people won’t believe me when I tell them that yes, that dark-skinned, black-haired boy is indeed my twin brother. My aunts and cousins will often put their forearms next to mine, comparing their darker skin to my light skin and fawning over how “pretty” mine is compared to theirs and how they wished they had my complexion.

When I am a tourist in my own country, I am often spoken to first in English, and then in Spanish. Wherever I go, I am “güerita” (blondie, even if my hair is light brown), and I have been told more than once that I look European, or Canadian, or from the US. It helps that I have been bilingual and bicultural since I can remember, speaking fluidly in an accent that shifts depending on what I’m listening to the most at the moment but is not the stereotypical “Mexican speaking English” accent, so I can “pass” fairly easily anywhere I go.

This story is from when I was a tourist in the US, specifically in Pennsylvania.

It was early November 2019 (yes, not even a full year ago), and my aunt and I had gone to a late night event for some belated Halloween spooky fun. Being tourists, we didn’t have a car, and we decided to walk to the bus stop and take the bus home (we were staying near a stop a few blocks away from U Penn).

Of course, we had no clue which bus to take, and my first instinct was to approach a police officer standing nearby: a short and rotund man, maybe in his mid 40s, and white. 

I asked him which bus I should take to go where I wanted to go. Now I may have not communicated clearly, or he may not have understood me, because his eyes went very wide.

“Why would you want to go to there?” he asked me.

“That’s home,” I replied, a bit uncertain now. I didn’t want him to know that I was a foreigner, much less Mexican, as I am not completely tone-deaf about these issues and I didn’t know this man, so I didn’t elaborate much on that.

“... Do you have a gun?” he asked out of the blue. Out of sheer shock at the non-sequitur, I laughed nervously.

“No, Sir,” I replied, and he laughed a bit as he motioned towards the pistol hanging from his belt.

“Do you wanna take mine? It’s rough up in North Philly!” he said. 

I then understood the misunderstanding, and clarified that I wanted to go to West Philly, that it was a perfectly safe neighborhood near campus, and he seemed to understand now. He gave me directions and told me which bus to get on (still the wrong one and we did end up in North Philly, but that’s a story for another time). 

I thanked him, and was about to go back to my aunt, when he added:

“Seriously though, get a gun or something.”

I didn’t reply anything, and my aunt looked somewhere between terrified and relieved when I returned to her, and she scolded me for just “approaching a policeman like that” and told me never to do that again. Back then, I kinda brushed it off as her being paranoid.

Now, in hindsight, I understand why she was so scared. And I know that the color of my skin played a great part in how that cop reacted.

He didn’t see me (short, baby-faced, white-skinned me) as a threat when I approached, keeping a respectful distance but still close enough for conversation, walking confidently towards him because “hey, that’s an officer, officers are supposed to help!”.

He didn’t see me as a threat when he asked me if I had a gun as one would ask if I had a fridge at home, and he found it hilarious to offer me his “for my own safety”.

He didn’t see me as a threat when he told me, in all honesty, to get a weapon that can end a person’s life with one simple motion.

He saw me as this innocuous white girl, one of his own even if I wasn’t, not at all; he was concerned for my safety to the point of jokingly and then not-so-jokingly telling me to get a deadly weapon because he thought I was going to a rough (and, when we were on the bus, we realized that by “rough” he meant “mostly black”) neighborhood.

Had I been slightly darker-skinned, more Latina-esque, maybe he wouldn’t have been as helpful. Had my accent been slightly off, he maybe would’ve made some off-hand comment about my people. Or maybe he would’ve been nice, and made some comment on how good my English is “for a Mexican”.

Had I been black, I don’t think he would’ve laughed. I’m certain he wouldn’t have motioned towards his gun in that playful manner he did, like I was a curious little kid, but he would’ve reached for it as a precaution, or maybe even used it as a preemptive measure against a perceived threat. 

Or maybe he would’ve been nice. I have no way of knowing. But because of the color of my skin, I never have to wonder about it; I don’t have to wonder if I’ll be next.

As I have watched the news (both recent with George Floyd and a bit older with Mike Brown and Tamir Rice and so many other people who were not doing anything or harming anyone), I realize that I will never be scared about being killed just because of who I am, because I pass. Because I look the part that fits nicely into their definition of “not a threat”. Because I have this undeserved white privilege.

I will never truly understand the fear and anger of a community that has mourned innocent men, women, and children who were “threatening” in the eyes of people who find guns to be a laughing matter. I will never be forced under the boot of someone who is so drunk on power that they think they can decide when and how a person lives or dies. I will never be questioned as to why I was out late, I will never be regarded as a threat or a suspicious individual if I approach a cop, and I will never have to exhaust all other possible ways before asking for help from those who are supposed to “serve and protect” as a last, desperate resort because it would be better for me never to interact with the police.

I have the white privilege of simply existing in peace in a system that helps some and murders others.

Why should I have that because of circumstances out of my control?

Why should others feel unsafe because of circumstances out of their control?

Maybe I will never understand how we got here, but I understand that this must stop. I stand with the protesters. Black Lives Matter.

[shooter-nobunagun]

Quarantine UST 4

//Probably gonna have sexual content scattered throughout the chapters...warning, ero content this time includes some masturbation (though not super explicit)

The ocean breeze felt wonderful, Sio enjoying the cool, briny mist as the car zipped along the shoreline. At last they were taking some time to get out of the house, and although the beaches were closed, it was much better than spending yet another day cooped up inside.

“Aaah, this feels soo nice...it really is too bad we can’t go down to the beach itself.” Sighing, the sniper rested her head against the window, letting the wind blow through her hair. There were few other vehicles along the road, and though Mahesh jokingly suggested to Adam (who was driving) that he should test the limits of this car, they only sped up a few times on straight stretches when nobody else was around.

The car wasn’t exactly designed to be sporty, but Adam revved the engine a few times as he shifted the gears with amazing accuracy, Sio shrieking with delight as they blew down the straightaways. “Who would’ve thought you’d also be a speed freak,” Mahesh teased in good humor, the sniper blushing but she wouldn’t deny it was thrilling.

“W-Well, it’s not like I’d go around doing that, normally...besides, Tokyo’s no place to drive, not with all the public transit. Not that I can drive anyways...”

“Sounds like London, honestly. Though I suppose if you had a motorbike it’d be a tad easier to get around. Like Adam—you had one back in London, didn’t you?” Jess queried.

“And so what if I did? ‘S not like it’ll do us any good out here.”

“No, but maybe when the opportunity comes up you can take Sio-chan for a ride; I’m sure she’d enjoy it.” The sniper turned red as a tomato at that comment, and Adam made an odd noise in his throat.

“A-Anyway, we can worry about that later; is there a place where we can get out for a bit? Or are they all closed?” Sio desperately changed the subject, not wanting to get into yet another fit of ‘why do I feel so hot when talking about Adam’.

“According to local news, we may be able to get off and walk around the trail head, so long as we have masks and maintain distance,” Mahesh reported. As soon as they parked to a stop Sio opened the door and breathed in the fresh air. Adam’s driving was impeccable, especially for stick-shift, but she had to admit the winding hills of San Francisco were making her just a touch carsick. 

“Oy squirt, don’t forget your mask; can’t be careless,” Adam chided as he handed the sniper hers, “let’s not get complacent.” Sio blushed with embarrassment, but was grateful Adam didn’t make snide remarks anymore. In fact, ever since he granted her permission to call him by his real first name, he seemed to have mellowed out quite a bit. There were several instances where they’d even been able to have small talk, mostly during times like cleaning up or when she insisted on helping with cooking (so she could learn was her argument), but it no longer felt as forced or awkward.

‘Hopefully this quarantine will get him to open up a bit more...’cause Adam, he’s really not a bad guy once you get to know him...sure he’s a little rough around the edges, but who doesn’t have something they’re trying to improve?’

“What’re you thinking about, Sio?” The blonde suddenly appeared in her view, Sio jumping back a bit on instinct; luckily ever since that discussion, she’d been a lot better about giving the girl her space. After that outburst, Adam called for a squad meeting to lay down some ground rules, including very explicit warnings that harassment of any kind, malicious or otherwise, was not to be tolerated.

‘An’ I don’t give a shit if that’s what you’re used to, but I will not condone any such behavior moving forward, pandemic or not; do I make myself clear?’ 

The other three members nodded solemnly as their leader gave them all a stern look. Both Jess and Mahesh were unusually serious for once, perhaps even remorseful as Adam lectured them on their unsavory behaviors. The sniper couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty; but afterwards, when they were all going to bed and both came by personally to apologize, she knew she’d done the right thing.

“Ah, n-not much...just once again, kind of amazed at how Adam can do...well, pretty much anything,” the girl muttered. “Stick-shift, motorcycles...that’s so cool. Maybe I’m just too young to learn about all these things, right now...”

“Hmm, I wouldn’t say that, dear. You were in your last year of secondary, correct?” Sio nodded. “He’s not that much older, you know. Adam, I mean. If I recall, they picked him up right after he got into university, a year or two before we discovered you.”

Sio’s eyes widened in surprise. So Adam really wasn’t that much older than her, though he sure acted way more mature. “Really? I didn’t know that...I’d always assumed, he’d been with DOGOO forever...”

“Some people grow up faster, depending on their circumstances. That’s all there is to it,” Jess shrugged. “I’m actually one of the earlier members of DOGOO...well, the first among the Second Platoon, anyway.”

She turned around in shock. “Wait, you’re the first member of the Second Platoon?!”

“Sort of. It’s a bit...complicated,” the blonde suddenly looked hesitant. “...If you must know, there was actually a ‘first iteration’, so to speak. Before any of us came along...well, technically that’s not true; I was with DOGOO pretty early on, but not as part of the Second Platoon...”

The sniper stayed quiet as the blonde muttered to herself. So, there had been an earlier version of their platoon? ‘But then what happened? Where are they now? Are they still with DOGOO?’

“You know old man Capa, right?” Sio nodded. “He, along with e-gene holders William Tell and Christopher Columbus...comprised of the original Second Platoon. But then...”

“Then...?” She definitely had not forgotten (nor forgiven) Capa’s trespasses, but she’d only ever heard of William Tell in passing, and Sio didn’t even know Columbus existed. “But Capa’s retired now, isn’t he? Did those two also retire?”

For some reason Jess grew somber at her question. “...William Tell is now part of the Special Squad, same as Hunter and Galileo. And Columbus...he—”

“Oy, what’s the hold up you two? Don’t fall behind!” From far ahead, their leader’s voice barked at the two girls.

“Nevermind. I’ll tell you that story some other time. Let’s go before he loses his temper, again.” Jess rolled her eyes as the two picked up the pace. Sio was dying to know just what happened, but given Jess’ reaction, it was probably better she didn’t pry anymore.

“Doesn’t he ever stop yelling at people?” Sio grumbled as they finally caught up with the guys. “Seriously, and here I thought we were making some progress on being civil with each other...”

“Adam’s not the type to have a heart-to-heart, but I must say, you must be doing him some good. In all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him quite so relaxed as when he’s around you.” Jess winked, causing the sniper to blush. “Seems to me you’ve got a secret touch around him...”

“J-Jess-san...! I-I don’t, I don’t think so...” Her cheeks were still pink though, even as they wandered around the trail, everyone else taking in the sights of the ocean.

“Hmm? Really...well, regardless he’s definitely loosened up a bit. Less scowling, and I think I actually saw him smile the other day! Or was that just a smirk,” Jess mused as the two girls walked along the path. 

‘It can’t be; I-I mean, it’s only because now we’re taking a break from all those battles and stuff that he can relax, so naturally it’s a lot easier to chat with him...isn’t it? Why would he be particularly nice to me?’ The sniper continued to be lost in her thoughts as the group hiked along the cliffs. She hadn’t been paying much attention, but now that she thought about it, Adam’s behavior towards Jess and Mahesh hadn’t changed that much (he was still griping about their lack of modesty), but she definitely noticed a change in his tone of voice and words around her.

No way...it can’t be true, are we becoming...friends?!

Even Asao-san brought it up last night, after the sniper spent a solid 30 minutes regaling about how Adam taught her three different ways to make eggs. ‘So, I see someone’s getting cozy with their leader, yeah? Good thing you guys aren’t regular military—’cause I’m pretty sure fraternizing with your squadmates would be a big no-no’ her friend had teased, which lead to another 20 minutes of sputtering and denial.

‘Yeah, well, didn’t the Commander say this would be a good opportunity to get to know each other and strengthen bonds? I’m just doing that,’ Sio thought to herself, though that didn’t exactly explain why her pulse increased and her body got hot whenever she stared at Adam or thought about him too much. ‘And yeah, I’ll admit he’s...pretty hot, and physically I find him attractive...b-but that’s completely normal! I’m a growing, girl, I have...needs...’

As if on cue her loins throbbed slightly, to Sio’s horror. Ever since she discovered masturbating, it had become something of a nightly activity for her; doubling as both a sleep aid and stress reliever. (And also, hey, it felt really fucking good.) Groaning, she forced herself to act normal and tag along with the rest of the group, though she was definitely going to need some ‘alone time’ as soon as they got back. ------ “Phew, that was a pleasant outing...see Adam, going out every once in a while isn’t going to kill us,” Jess commented as they finally made it back to the house, after stopping by for some takeout from a seaside shack. According to the Brits, the fish and chips were almost as good as any chippy establishment in London. Almost. Naturally Sio, not being familiar with British food, found it to be extremely tasty, and even Adam begrudgingly admitted that Americans could do a few things right, on occasion.

“Why’s it in pieces though, it’s better when the fish is whole...”

“Next time we should try curry; I’ve heard this area’s got a ton of Indian restaurants,” Mahesh suggested. “I’d be curious to see if any of them can actually do ‘Indian spicy’...”

“I, Indian spicy?” The sniper shuddered a bit at that description. Japanese people weren’t exactly the best with spicy food, despite wasabi. “Not sure I wanna find out what that means...”

Mahesh winked at her. “Well, you’ll just have to find out for yourself, Sio. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” The sniper doubted that, but Indian curry did sound good. Hopefully there would be milder options as well.

“What should we do about dinner? Do we want to do delivery again, or is our esteemed leader going to grace us with his home cooking?” The Indian managed to once again dodge a fork from the silver-haired man. “Hey now, I’m being serious! You’re becoming quite the cook, Adam. It’s a wonder we went all this time without sampling any of your dishes.

Adam grumbled, but Sio noticed his ears were turning slightly pink. Was he...bashful? It was bizarre to see their acerbic leader act so shy, but it was nice for a change, she decided. And kind of cute.

“Do you know how to cook, Mirza-san?”

The Indian turned to their sniper with a start. “Me? Cook? Oh, well I can...but I have to admit, ever since I joined DOGOO I haven’t had much time. Or a reason. It’s a lot simpler when someone else prepares things for you...”

“Like your servants?” Adam snorted, hinting at the Indian’s wealthy background. “You just snap your fingers and someone comes running, eh?”

“I’m not that dependent,” Mahesh’s gaze narrowed, slightly offended. “Just because I grew up with hired help doesn’t mean I can’t do things for myself. I just prefer doing things in the most efficient manner. In any case, if you are interested in trying my cooking, Sio-chan, I’d be happy to make something.”

“O-Oh, well, I don’t want you to go out of your way or anything—”

“Nonsense; after all, it seems like we’re all using this time to try new things, no? Plus it might be nice to give it a go...maybe we can even have some kind of group cooking night.”

The rest of the platoon murmured in agreement, though Sio was a bit nervous. She’d barely just managed to cook eggs decently, there was no way she could whip up something as fancy as Adam or probably even Mahesh could.

“Well, you can count me out, unless you want food poisoning,” Jess commented dryly. “I’m not going to deny it, but cooking is definitely not one of my stronger skills...”

“You can be my sous-chef,” Mahesh gave a cheeky grin, which was met with a napkin to the face. “Oof, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Just leave the actual cooking part to me. So, it seems we’ve decided then? We’re cooking?”

Sio nodded, starting to warm up to the idea. It might even be fun, if everybody pitched in. “I-I mean, I can only make eggs, but...I’d be happy to help.”

“You can never go wrong with eggs. Don’t worry Sio-chan; now, to make sure I don’t decimate your taste buds with vindaloo...I guess I’ll make tikka masala as well. What’re you thinking of cooking, Adam?”

Their leader gave a noncommittal grunt. “Eh, don’t expect anythin’ fancy. Probably Shepard's pie tonight, glazed carrots.”

Even though they’d just eaten lunch, Sio’s mouth was watering just at the descriptions of those dishes. Dinner was bound to be good tonight; she couldn’t wait to try and sample some more Indian and British cuisine, and vowed to do her best to make enough fried eggs and toast for everybody. 

“By the way, do you think we can do something before dinner? I kinda wanted to try some of those board games we found...”

“Oh, that’s a brilliant idea Sio! I think we’ve earned a bit of entertainment. One can only watch so much Netflix...” The group had played a few card games already, but board games were the next level. Sio wasn’t familiar with any of them beyond Monopoly, but the other members assured her there were much better prospects. 

“Mirza, Beckham, how about you two clean up for a change; Ogura and I aren’t your servants,” Adam gave the two a knowing look. “Speaking of which Ogura, you wanted me to spot you today at training, right?”

“O-Oh! R, Right, I almost forgot...thanks.” The petite girl quickly changed into her workout clothes and the two trooped into the exercise room, Mahesh and Jess staring and waiting until the two of them disappeared from view.

“...Oh yeah, there’s definitely something going on between the two. I’ll bet you a quid before the end of this quarantine they’ll be shagging.”

Mahesh laughed. “That’s a pretty bold assumption; I don’t doubt they’ll get together eventually, but in only a few weeks? That’s pretty quick...for both of them.��� It was pretty obvious that Sio never had a boyfriend or even much friends before all this, and despite how secretive Adam was with his private life, Mahesh was pretty sure if their leader ever had a lover, he’d have caught wind of it by now. “I have a pretty good hunch this would be a first time for both of them...and given that neither of them are great with their feelings...”

“You don’t trust my feminine instincts?”

“I never said that. In any case, you’re on.” ------- “Ugh...twenty-seven...twenty-eight...twenty...nine...thir...thirty!” Heaving a sigh of relief, Sio let the weights clash onto the stand, her arms feeling like limp noodles after that rep. Her limit had increased by 5 lbs since the beginning, and she could now do 30 reps without stopping, but that was nothing compared to Adam; last time he did 50 reps with almost twice the weight, and barely broke a sweat. “Whew, my arms are gonna be sore tomorrow...”

“Not bad, Ogura. You’ve improved; I can tell your form is much better than when you first started,” Adam nodded in satisfaction as they switched spots. “This should help with your accuracy, so you can better control your shots—instead of firing all over the place.”

“H-Hey! I’m not that bad anymore...not that I’m hoping for an attack to prove my point,” Sio muttered, helping Adam lift the bar up as she spotted for him.

“No, you aren’t...but you’ve got a ways to go, squirt,” he grunted as he started his set. “If we let our guard down for even a second...I don’t wanna think about that.”

“...Do you think this war is going to be that bad?”

Adam eyed her with a stare as he lifted the weight. “...Honestly, I don’t know. It’s not something I like to think about...but I’d rather prepare for the worst case scenario, in case this does end up being some long-term fight.”

Sio nodded. “Yeah, you’re right...heh, it’s strange; out of everyone, I probably have the best e-gene suited for warfare and strategy...and yet, when I really think about it, like, it hits me—holy crap, we’re actually fighting against freaking aliens from outer space, who really are out to just destroy us all. How the heck am I supposed to figure that out...” The sniper grew melancholy as she recalled that conversation with Asao in the hospital, right after Taiwan. “...Even now, I still can’t believe...this is happening. That, this is the state of our lives, now...”

“...Do you regret joinin’ DOGOO?”

“Huh? W-Well, no...I,” the sniper paused, looking away slightly. “I...even though I was scared, I also knew in my heart it was something I wanted to do. No, it was something I needed to do,” she emphasized. “If I just went back and pretended nothing changed...I’d never forgive myself.”

“Heh...a sense of...duty, ‘ey?” Adam let out a breath as he finished the rep, Sio helping him return the bar to its resting place. “I think that’s what drew most of us here, in the first place. No matter what folks say about other motivations or whatnot...in the end, if you don’t have that kind of inner conviction, you wouldn’t have lasted this long in the first place.”

“Mn.” Though he wasn’t directly complimenting her, for some reason, hearing his words made her feel warm. “You definitely have that, Adam-san.”

“Oh, uh...sure.” If the sniper was looking his way, she would’ve seen a slight blush on his cheeks; but as it was she was busy wiping down the equipment and looking at the pull-up bar with dread. “Anyway, let’s see if you can get more than 5 today.”

“Aww, seriously? I just did a bunch of weights too...” She whined, but one stern look from Adam and she sighed, and got into position. “S, Seriously...h-how do, people, do...this...! O-One...!”

“Less talking, more breathing. Don’t waste your breath; remember your breathing patterns,” Adam coached, as Sio strained to lift her chin over the bar. “C’mon, yeh that’s it, three more to go.”

After the fifth one Sio gasped as her hand slipped, her grip too weak to hold on. “Whoa—!” 

“Careful—!” Adam caught her just in the nick of time, Sio squinting her eyes open. “You alright, squirt?”

“Un...y-yeah, sorry about that...guess I’m pretty tired out.” She laid there for a bit, palms stinging from exertion. Adam nodded, but interestingly he didn’t set her down, instead letting her rest in his arms for a bit.

There was something soothing about it, being held by someone; granted this wasn’t the first time he’d held her, but that had been during a mission, with plenty of stakes and yelling. This time though, Sio became acutely aware of everything else; including how strong his arms were, and the sound of his breath, the heat from his skin, his heartbeat... Suddenly those odd tingles came back again, Sio now squirming with the uncomfortable realization that she was feeling ‘this’ again.

‘Seriously body, you do this to me now?! Screw you, hormones...’

“A-Ah, I’m feeling better now...thanks,” she stood on wobbly legs as Adam set her down. “Well, at least I did five...”

“Yeh. Anyway, if you’re tired, you can go up and take a shower first. I’m just gonna finish up here,” Adam launched himself up onto the bars.

“O-Oh, it’s okay, I can wait. I mean, it’d be rude of me to not finish spotting for you, since I asked you first...”

There’s not much to spot for pull-ups, Adam thought, but he didn’t say anything. If the squirt wanted to hang around, it was her choice. Though, he felt a bit self-conscious with her just staring at him; for some reason he felt like he had to impress her, even though he was dead tired himself and suddenly 15 seemed almost impossible.

But his pride would never let him live it down, and so 15 pull-ups it was.

As Adam forced himself through the punishment of 15 reps, Sio sat on the bench and watched him. His form was nearly perfect, barely even a tremble as he lifted and lowered himself at an even rate. ‘Damn, I wonder how long it’ll take before my muscles are that strong...speaking of muscles, holy crap his arms are so buff! No wonder he could carry me like that...also those abs...’ She tried not to stare so intensely, but it wasn’t her fault all holders had to wear what were essentially crop tops underneath their armor.

‘I wonder what they feel like...’ Her head flushed and Sio felt her heart rate speed up. ‘No no, stop thinking horny thoughts! Bad Sio!’ To her relief, Adam finished his set, and she could finally head back up to to the privacy of her own room.

“O, Otsukaresama desu; thanks for helping me out today, Adam-san.”

“You did well, Ogura. Who knows, maybe we will get called to action and you’ll get a chance to prove me wrong with your aim,” he teased, grinning slightly as he wiped off the sweat.

“What?! Oh just you wait, mister, I’ll show you!”

Adam chuckled to himself as the girl stomped off with a huff. She really was too cute not to tease. Admittedly he did feel a little bad for always bursting her bubble right at the peak, but he couldn’t help it. Her reactions and those pouty lips were just too good.

‘An’ since when did you start caring so much about that squirt, ‘ey?’ He took a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. ‘Or is it because that’s the only way you know how to defuse the situation before you get too close—’

No. Those were dangerous thoughts. While not strictly forbidden, common sense said fraternizing with one’s teammates was always a risky affair. Adam shook his head and got in the shower, making sure to turn the tap to cold. Not only was it hot, but a certain...other part of his body was stirring, especially after holding the girl. The feeling of her warm, heavy weight in his arms, the soft skin and even a certain scent; not sweat, but a distinctly human odor...

Adam groaned softly as he took hold of his member. It was already hot and stiff, despite the cold shower. ‘Shit, so much for that...you really are a pervert, aren’t yeh?’ But he couldn’t help it; it’d been weeks since he’d been able to let off any steam, and staying in close quarters with everybody else 24/7 made it hard to ensure much privacy. 

Hoping nobody needed to use the toilet, he started stroking himself; water poured over his throbbing length as his hand squeezed and pulled, Adam biting back another moan as he slowly jerked himself off. The sniper had definitely been staring at him when they were working out. ‘Don’t think I didn’t notice those wandering eyes, hanninmae...’ Initially, he’d been a bit surprised she’d be so bold; but then again when she’d walked in on him the very first time before their first mission, she hadn’t looked away, either.

‘Does this mean she’s...interested? Or am I just another body to her?’ His jaw ached from trying to keep his voice down, Adam trembling as he edged towards his climax. ‘No, it’s only...natural, when you spend so much time together, with the same people...it can’t be...’

But what if she is? A little voice rang in his head and Adam, already hazy with lust, decided to indulge that fantasy a bit. What if Sio Ogura really was interested in him, beyond just teammates or even friends? At this point, he didn’t doubt that they would be on friendly terms after this quarantine, but anything more?

Is this something she wants? Is this something I want?

To go from comrades to friends, to something more than that... Funnily enough, the thought of entering a relationship with her made him even harder than simply thinking about her lithe, slender body. ‘Impossible...am I...actually falling for her?!’

“W-Well, that’s why I’m learning now, aren’t I? So I can do it myself.”

“Th-thanks for helping me, again...heh, it seems like that’s all I’m doing these days...”

“You definitely have that, Adam-san. Conviction.”

“Guh—! Fuck...!” Hand pumping rapidly, Adam came hard as those large maroon eyes firmly embedded itself in his mind, along with that rare, shy smile she only showed around him. So cute. She was so cute whenever she tried so hard, determined to prove him wrong and do her best to improve...well, anything. A sudden rush of heat bloomed from his core, a low moan tearing from his throat as the last of his spunk shot out, chills running up and down his spine.

The effect one petite sniper could have on him...

“Shit...oh fuck...” Heaving, he rinsed off the mess from his hands and the shower walls, before finally turning off the water. The post-orgasm haze was settling in, causing everything to be slightly out-of-focus as Adam slowly towelled off. “Goddammit Adam, you’re really fucked now...”

Even as his mind argued with himself that it was just because he needed to relieve some stress, and she did have a pretty nice body, Adam knew in his heart that wasn’t the real reason. No, before his brain even realized it, his heart had already made the decision; perhaps even before all this virus business.

He was falling in love the Sio Ogura. And there was nothing he could do but take it and run with it.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 119 Poll Results

The chapter 119 poll closed with 2,021 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated! 

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,942 Responses

This chapter was a roller coaster of action and emotional turmoil, clearly affecting the majority of the fandom, with 92.7% of respondents giving it either a 4 or a 5 rating. 

Well, Isayama. Mission accomplished. This chapter did phenomenally hurt me.

Colt became one of my new favorite characters. This is the only series where I can say I'm happy one of my favorites is dead, because that means they don't have to suffer anymore... 

don't lose your head now, we are almost in the end

Entertaining chapter, but with some glaring inconsistencies

To me, it was one of the most nerve wracking, emotional, and plot twist chapters that I've ever read in this series.

Isayama one of the madman. That's it. That's the whole thoughts.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,949 Responses

Our top three fave moments were Colt hugging Falco as he transformed (28.7%), Gabi shooting Eren (21.3%) and Porco sacrificing himself to save Falco and Reiner (17.1%).

Eren getting his head blown off is my favorite manga moment since the Armored/Colossal Titan reveal... hands down. Might be even better, depends on what happens next

The Zeke scream was my favorite moment. It was so epic, I just can't wait for the anime to use YouSeeBigGirl or 2volt in this scene. It's my favorite moment as a manga reader after Willy Tybur's speech

Colt died a selfless, loyal big brother, and that's all there is to say about that.

Eren getting his head blown off is the best thing to ever happen. We know it means jack shit for him, but we got soooo many great memes. It's a good time to be alive.

I never really had strong opinions on Colt before, but he is 100% best Oniisan, being with his frightened younger brother til the end

Porco went too soon 😢

This poll was also inconsistent this month, I couldn’t vote for Pyxis drinking as my favourite moment.

WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP? 1,941 Responses

With so many characters to choose from, it’s surprising but exciting that Porco won this chapter MVP by a landslide. Perhaps even more surprising, however, is Gabi coming in at #2. 

I'm so proud Porco. 

#GabiGang rise up!

I’m glad that everyone’s eyes have been opened to the fact that Porco is - was - a great character 

Colt was too good for this world. 

 Gabi shoot Eren’s head off was strangely cathartic

Porco the real mvp and you all know it

Even though I don't like Porco, and never have, I will admit he was kind of the MVP this round. Reiner kicked more ass than he did at every given opportunity, dude was kinda useless tbh, so it's cool that he finally served some kind of purpose.

Badass Gabi is best Gabi

The Grice brothers were the only Marleyans I liked from the get-go, so this chapter was yet another wrench in the heart (thanks again, Yams!) Colt was totally the MVP in this entire arc, as far as I'm concerned. His last words to Falco were absolutely heartbreaking. My poor boys. :( Falco's guilt will be devastating to see.

Never cared about Porco before. But this time...

*crying like an idiot*

WHICH MEMBER OF THE 104TH HAD THE BEST SHOWING THIS CHAPTER? 1,919 Responses

The members of the 104th are finally out of jail and back in action!  47.5% think Armin’s epic use of a thunder spear shot him into first place, while 33% think Mikasa, who went to fight the Cart along with him was the standout.

Armin was so cool this chapter <3

Connie & Jean was unexpected

Floch just die already...

So one of Armin's major characteristics throughout the manga up until this point has been him whining about how weak he is and how he never gets better at the gear and how he's such a burden, and now, suddenly, miraculously, he's keeping up with an Ackerman.  Amazing plot armor there, Isayama, truly amazing.  It certainly would be nice if the other side got even half the advantages that the Paradise crew does.  Imagine what a fair and balanced battle would look like!

Mah boi Floch seems to be the only survivor of the attack on the carttitan... he definetly knows how to survive

I love the Armin and Mikasa duo action. I also hope Armin will transform soon

Armin now is so close to Magath. I want to see him try to negotiate with him, but I also want to see him go colossal already ahhhh.

floch suffers again

ARUMIKA GANG, RISE UP. JEANCON GANG, RISE UP.

I miss Sasha :(

WHICH WARRIOR HAD THE BEST SHOWING THIS MONTH? 1,941 Responses

The warriors got a lot of action as well as emotional play this month, and though polls in the past have shown Porco as unpopular, 59.4% of you chose him as the MVP among his comrades.  11.4% think Colt finally stood out from the crowd, 9.7% selected Gabi, and 8.6% chose the sufferboi Reiner.

Best bois: Porco and Colt Best girl: Gab Gab

M V PIECK!!

All of them? Seriously they all did great this chapter despite literally half of these kids dying or being in danger.

I was truly surprised by gabi shooting eren, but god that was awesome i loved it

I hadn’t even liked Porco or Colt before but damn did they earn my respect.

mad props to Gabi for being such a badass that she was able to dig Colt’s rifle out from under his burnt body in order to fire on Eren. Being able to think so clearly and take action even under the weight of her horror and grief was incredible. 

Originally Falco was the only non-Paradis character I liked. Now we can all Colt to that list. Shame he had to die in order for me to feel this way.

Falco was the only one who didn't do a whole lot this chapter but a large majority of them got a moment to be recognized as the type of person they are.

WHICH BROTHERLY PAIRING SPOKE TO YOU THE MOST THIS CHAPTER? 1,945 Responses

Colt trying to do everything in his power to protect Falco is what touched the majority of the fandom’s hearts, earning them a solid 80% of the vote. At a very distant second, 10.2% of the fandom were most emotionally touched by Eren and Zeke’s desperation to make contact with each other, only to be ruthlessly denied in the end. 

I think Colt and Falco scene was one of the best scenes in all manga, so emotional

WILL REINER EVER SUCCEED IN KILLING HIMSELF? 1,941 Responses

Sorry, Reiner, but most (90.8%) of us don’t think you’re going to have any success in ending your own life.  ….But look on the bright side: 11.9% think that maybe you’ll get lucky and somebody else will kill you! 

Let Reiner die in peace already, Isayama!

I love that my baby boy Reiner is still alive. 😭

No wonder Reiner wanted to be like Marcel, at least that kid didn't fail at suicide.

ON A SCALE OF "DEAR GOD!" TO "I'VE SEEN WORSE" HOW HORRIFYING WAS FALCO’S TITAN? 1,944 Responses

64% of the fandom veered towards “Dear god!” in response to Falco’s horrific titan form. Only 7.6% replied with confidence that they’d seen worse.

Falco’s titan looks like a hybrid of Cheese from Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends and Dead Hand from Legend of Zelda: OOT. So horrifying that I can’t not look at it.

 Falco gets a medal for having the creepiest mindless titan. 

MAN F****** that jaw titan is a problem!

Two things I did not need to see this chapter were Falco's mindless titan form and a decapitated Eren. So much horror, so little beauty…

Why are Falco’s Titan’s teeth in hIS NOSE WTF

WHO WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED FALCO TO EAT OF THE TWO? 1,929 Responses

Porco oh so barely edged out Reiner as the person we’d most prefer Falco to have eaten. Looking at the comments, popularity had nothing to do with this. Rather many people seemed to think that dying for Falco was a more fitting gesture for Reiner’s arc.

Disappointing because the Jaws died. Reiner easily could’ve got out his nape and let Falco eat him, we didn’t need to lose Porco. 

I feel bad for reiner, becouse he could get his redemtion and complete his perfect development and he lost this oportunity,

I WANT PORCO BACK

i'm pretty frustrated that falco didn't get the armored titan, half because i want reiner to finally have some peace and also because i really wanted to see an armored titan falco.

WHICH CHARACTER HAD THE MOST MOVING SWAN SONG? 1,933 Responses

38.8% of respondents were moved the most this chapter by Colt and Falco’s brotherly love for one another. 26.2% most enjoyed Porco’s sacrifice that couldn’t have happened without a little classic Porco sass. 18.5% are really feeling it for Nile and how he tried to save one child while knowing he’ll never see his own again. Pixis, at least you were still able to enjoy one last swig. 

I liked Pixis accepting his fate while Zeke screamed

WHILE COLT'S DECISION TO STAY WITH FALCO WAS TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL, IT DIDN'T SERVE A LOT OF PURPOSE. IN YOUR OPINION, IT WAS... 1,942 Responses

In a chapter filled with so much death, does Colt’s stand out? Was it even necessary? 47.2% feel that his decision to stay by his brother’s side was understandable but unreasonable given the circumstances. 36.1% went with the simple explanation of “Tragic”, where only 8.8% thought his choice was 100% heroic.

I cried when Colt hugged Falco

Colt....I understand you're distraught about your precious lil bro being titanized, but there's a snackalicious founding titan running towards a fuzzy ass monkey, you could've helped in SOME way! 

Anyways Colt’s death although it wasn’t necessary was very moving for me, which is the first time anyone from Marley except Falco has provoked any feelings in me to be honest.

Colt is getting unreasonable amount of crap for choosing to stay by Falco's side.  I don't blame Colt at all, for seeing no immediate master plan to keep going. His instincts went right to big brother mode, to a self-sacrificing degree. And god help you if you can't appreciate that kind of beauty without feeling the need to say how much better you would have done yourself.

I was shocked to see Colt die so soon, but at the same time, I can understand why he made the sacrifice here, and it was an emotional highpoint for me in this chapter. It's going to be sad seeing Falco's reaction when he learns what has become of his brother, but I think he will understand just how much Colt cared about him

Colt's decision to stay with Falco as the later was turning into a Pure Titan was unreasonable considering the heat of the transformation nearby would kill him, but he must've thought this was the only option left because he thought no one else would save Falco (he especially would never expect Porco to sacrifice himself for Falco) and thus couldn't bear to see his beloved brother be cursed into a Pure Titan, so he just wanted to be with Falco in what he thought would be the latter's true final moments as a human.

PORCO'S DECISION TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF WAS COMPOSED OF MANY FACTORS, BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK STOOD OUT THE MOST? 1,915 Responses

Hearing Colt and Zeke’s back and forth about the lengths they’re willing to go to in order to ensure their little brother’s safety is what 44.6% of the fandom believes most motivated Porco to sacrifice himself to Falco. 25.7% felt that he was pushed the most by his unwillingness to meaninglessly die and have his titan power go to waste. For the remainder of the fandom, just a few more believe that his intent was to protect Reiner rather than saving Falco.

Porco only wanted to feel validated. He died because he was in a situation where he knew he wouldn’t survive, and once he knew the truth and felt validated, he was ready to let go and die. This is why in his final line he says that in the end, he was better than Reiner. Knowing the truth was enough for him to finally stop trying to be the best, to stop trying to show his worth, and to finally accept the fact that he couldn’t keep fighting in this battle.

If we're being honest, I was surprised to see Porco die. I wasn't expecting any of that. At least he can finally be at peace with his brother tho.

Porco’s sacrifice was one of the most noble we’ve seen so far in the series and showed a lot of character development. He’ll be sorely missed!

PORCO'S FIRST AND LAST LINES IN THE STORY WERE AIMED AT REINER. DO YOU THINK THEIR RELATIONSHIP CHANGED OVER THE TIME WE'VE WITNESSED IT? 1,918 Responses

The results were nearly split, with 34.8% of respondents feeling that Reiner and Porco’s relationship was starting to improve after Liberio, with the potential to become even better, while 34.1% felt that Porco let go of every negative feeling he had for Reiner when he realized the truth of Marcel’s sacrifice. 16.6% feel there wasn’t enough screen time to form an opinion, and 14.5% believe there was no change in dynamic by the end. 

DO YOU AGREE WITH THE THEORIES THAT EREN HAS ALREADY ACTIVATED THE COORDINATE POWER? 1,922 Responses

While close to half the fandom believe that Coordinate power is still dormant in Eren, more than a third believe that there was enough strangeness this month to indicate that Eren has either touched Zeke already or had some other means of accessing the Coordinate power. 

The entire chapter felt... off. Pixis teleporting from outside to inside drinking, Eren’s brotherhood of traveling pants, the whole Magath and Pieck thing, it just... seems weird.

Eren couldn't be using the coordinate rn simple because he needs royal blood... 

I can go either way on the inconstancies, all of them seem like reasonable mistakes for a rushed chapter. But that also makes them just subtle enough to actually be clues that paths shit is happening

I think that the battle shown is a false battle created by the founding titans power and the real battle will be shown to an earlier Eren through a memory

I highly, HIGHLY doubt Eren pulled off some War Hammer Titan shenanigans or activated the Founding Titan's power beforehand to make it out of Gabi's shot. The stuff doesn't add up for these two.

WHAT WAS THE MOST GLARING SEEMING INCONSISTENCY? 1,912 Responses

“All of the above” was the favorite response to the question of inconsistencies in this chapter. Of those who made a choice, “Eren’s clothes magically reappearing” was the top pick (27.2%) followed by Pieck’s quick transformation after creating a skeletonized titan form last chapter  (13.9%). While we listed several of the inconsistencies we’d noticed, the write-ins contained even more

All the above plus Porco changing out of a garrison uniform to a SC uniform

Bert's crater, and the waterway. But I want to say Eren's clothes because that has been inconsistent for 2 or 3 chapters now iirc, memory manipulation incoming.

Commander Pixis was out and suddenly was inside with other people who drank the spinal fluid

Eren getting hit by the Titan rifle by Magath and then suddenly being okay just after that.

Eren magically getting his shoes back after they got bit off by the jaws

Gabi being in the exact right place at the exact right time. If Eren had to "die" that couldn't have been set up better?

It might be me, but Gabi with the titan rifle.  More so "how" she got it, as we can infer it was Colt's.  The problem being that Colt had it on his back even after Falco's transformation.  Being underneath a burning body (RIP Colt) and being in operable condition, it just seems off to me.

Mikasa magically changed positions at one point way too fast to be possible 

No one seems to have mentioned that Gabi's hair is down when she shot Eren

Pixis teleporting from riding a horse to chilling with a drink

Reiner's sudden in-Titan beard is what got me

The three false connections between Eren's clothes (we see once he has a white shirt in his titan, once he is naked and once he had in fact his usual "sweatshirt") I mean, come on, decide on what the boy's wearing Yams.

The Gabi riding a horse wasn't really a "inconsistency" because she spent a month in those Braus stables so of course she'll learn how to ride one in a month.

FALCO FINALLY BECAME A TITAN, SURPRISING NO ONE. OF THE FOLLOWING NAMED MINDLESS “PURE” TITANS, WHICH WILL BE THE ONE FUELING YOUR NIGHTMARES? 1,922 Responses

Perhaps it could be recency bias, but Falco takes the top spot with 31.2% of the fandom deeming him as the most “nightmare fuel” of the pure titans we listed above. 25.4% still abhor the “flaming turkey” or “meatloaf” titan that is Rod Reiss. 20.3% are forever haunted by the Gluttonous Titan.

Armin titan will forever fuel my nightmares, he ate best boi Bertl

Manga Rod Reiss's Titan didn't do much for me. Anime version was the stuff of fucking nightmares.

BEST NAME FOR FALCO'S TITAN FORM? 1,900 Responses

With an… interesting new titan design, it’s time to name it! Just edging out Big Bird, Pac-Man titan is the winner! Third place goes to Muppet Waka Waka, followed by Bob’s Burger Titan.

Absolute Chad

Austrailian Shitposter

Beavis Titan

Canadian Titan

Cheese from Fosters

Giraffe Man Titan

Incel Titan

Leafy Titan

My ex wife

Pelican Titan

Rubber Chicken Titan

YOU GUYS ARE MEAN

DID ZEKE CARE ABOUT COLT OR FALCO? 1,940 Responses

Zeke, who’s not known for his empathy as a defining trait, heard out Colt when he pleaded for Zeke to spare his little brother. 54.8% of you think Zeke cared a little bit, 30.8% thinks he cared a lot, and 14.4% thinks he didn’t care one bit.

When I say Zeke cared a little about Falco and Colt, I do mean *a little*. Like, the littlest little you can care about someone before you care not at all. If Zeke caring  was a scale of 0 to 100, he cared about at about a 4. 

I really thought Zeke wasnt going to scream

Zeke was self-righteous as usual, nothing new here.

Zeke just shattered his belief that anyone cared enough to possibly aid him in his personal goal to help his little brother.

I think HE thinks he cares, but he’s more attached to the idea of himself as a person who cares and is acting out of compassion for the greater good of eldians and the world, and the truth is he doesn’t have any actual attachment and fondness for them as individuals. The trauma of betraying his parents and eating Xaver rendered him basically incapable of forming true bonds of affection.

Colt developed a considerable bond with the person who was supposed to give him his Titan power in the near future, he had the impression Zeke was not the kind of person to put a child in dire situations, so he tried to remind him of that. He never thought Zeke would do the impossible and turn his brother into a Pure Titan despite telling him the situation. The shock on Colt's face when Zeke apologizes for what he is about to do really shows that.

Fuck Zeke

Maybe Zeke will have a change of heart, maybe he will sulk into a state of depression and failure. I really hope someone convinces Zeke that suffering will always permeate in this world and the only thing he can do is hope for a better ending than how this chapter ended. 

zeke is the real life definition of a nutsack

IS THE JAW TITAN’S OWNER ALWAYS DESTINED TO SACRIFICE HIM-/HERSELF? 1,909 Responses

Crazily enough, this was nearly a three-way tie! 33.4% feel that the Jaw titan wasn’t a factor at all in Marcel, Ymir and Porco’s decision to sacrifice themselves for someone else, but rather that’s just the type of people they are. 32.6% feel that the Jaw titan is absolutely a factor, and that it is a trait or the will of this titan to sacrifice itself for others. 31.4% believe that the Jaw Titan’s will drives its holders to protect the Armored Titan only. 

It better not be, because that means Falco's next. And we all know who he's constantly protecting with his life…

It‘s coincidence but it‘s ironic how everyone of them sacrificed themselves for Reiner.

I don't know but they need to stop.

It’s the shifter’s choice to sacrifice themselves. It’s not some destiny tf you smoking.

P A T H S

Zeke was given the wrong titan. That's all I have to say.

DO YOU THINK EREN HAD HOPED TO TOUCH ZEKE BEFORE HE COULD SCREAM AND TITANIZE THE MPS AND FALCO? 1,937 Responses

The majority (71.4%) of the fandom are confident that Eren’s expressions and actions are proof that he was hoping to avoid Zeke screaming and titanizing everyone who’s had a swig of the spine wine. 22.5% aren’t sure, or don’t want to say either way, while a smaller percentage feel that Eren probably didn’t care if Zeke screamed, or maybe even planned for it. 

For the first time in a while, Eren's face shows that he is not in control of the situation

I think he looked horrified when Zeke screamed, and I want to think that he hoped to use the Founding Titan's power before then. :( I'm also holding out for a reversal of this titanisation IF Eren does survive and manages to touch Zeke.

HOW DO YOU VIEW GABI'S ACTIONS? 1,941 Responses

Gabi has made some questionable decisions in the past, and has been the source of a great deal of controversy. That does not seem to be the case this time around, with ~51% of respondents acknowledging that her actions this chapter seemed to make sense, and an additional ~9% being proudly in her corner waving #GABIGANG flags. Only 8.4% thought that her character development was undone by her latest act of violence… Whether her actions were justified or not, the remaining 31.8% just hope that Gabi is kept away from guns for the foreseeable future.

Gabi's actions are perfectly understandable. She knows sees the Paradis differently but that doesn't mean she sees or understand the person who destroyed her home and killed her friend. 

Congratulations Gabi, you have a knack for finding new and inventive ways to utterly RUIN this series for me. You were a mistake that never should have been made.

Eren getting his head blown off is *chef kiss*  (Also lol karma)

Eren is my favorite character and even I was like "Gabi did nothing wrong."

LAST MONTH WHEN WE ASKED WHO WAS MOST LIKELY TO DIE, THE WINNERS (LOSERS?) WERE FLOCH (741 VOTES), THE SENIOR MILITARY (650), REINER (598), CONNIE (594), PORCO (588), AND YELENA (583). LET’S TRY AGAIN. WHO’S NEXT TO GO IN THIS BATTLE? 1,918 Responses

Magath and Peick are this month winners for most likely to die next with 20% of the vote each. Floch and Zeke follow with 17.8% and 14% of the vote respectively.

I hope mikasa and armin spare pieck.

I hope that Mikasa and Armin totally destroys Pieck in the next chapter~!

#Zeke_LIVE! #Keep_your_little_brother_safe_you_promised! 

I seriously think both Floch and Reiner are going to live to the end. These two especially seem to be really good at surviving, it's been a pattern now

I've recently noticed death flags on Louise since she was introduced, we didn't saw her in this chapter but there are chances that the poor girl will not survive until the end. 

Also I'm so glad the fandom was wrong and Falco DIDN'T eat Reiner. However, this chapter is raising massive death flags for Gabi. I hope she won't die next chapter.

Eren is too determined to die. He'll just keep going like a head-less chicken. Like those Cuccos from The Legend of Zelda that refuse to die!

I feel guilty now that in last chapter's poll when it's asked who will die i picked Eren, and now it's a possibility that he's actually dead. But I still want to hug and protect him, my son, even if he's in pieces haha

WHICH EXPECTED UNEXPECTED TWIST ISAYAMA IS GOING TO USE TO KEEP EREN ALIVE? 1,926 Responses

OMG ERENS DEAD NOOOOOOO- well, probably not. Only 5.2% think this is the end of the line for our protagonist. The two most popular options were that he transferred his consciousness, and that Bucket Girl will intervene; with 24.6% and 24.1% respectively.

A mix between being saved by the bucket girl and him transferring his consciousness throughout his body.

Eren is dead, timeloop shenanigans begin.

He uses the last of his power to shift. That, or Zeke catches his head and he uses the founder to grow a new body.

Regeneration: Deadpool style

He will have a long chat with Ymir in the PATHS dimension and rewrite history

Head lands in Zeke’s hand before his brain dies and it’s good enough to count

His consciousness is safe and sound in his left butt cheek. 

his consciousness is now in his left testicle

We need explanation about the P A T H S already! Isayama will take advantage of "Eren's death" to let him met the little girl (who everyone here suspects that is indeed Ymir Fritz) and reveal the Great Titan War, The Devil of the Earth, etc etc (and ofc the possibility of seeing him naked again lmao)

Isayama likes Game of Thrones. Therefore, like with Jon Snow, Eren will be kept dead for few chapters (preferably 3 till end of this volume). Then he rises - probably with bucket girl help.

HOW HAS YOUR OPINION ON THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS CHANGED?

The winners for “more favorable” were Porco and Colt with each getting a huge surge in popularity. On the other side of the spectrum were Gabi and Zeke. While most selected “unchanged”, they still had the largest numbers of people indicating they viewed them less favorably after this chapter.

105: "Imma make Gabi the most hated character in the series" 119: "Hold my beer"

Every time when I'm thinking Zeke can't turn any more awful Isayama proves me wrong. That chapter is a really low blow. Just catapult him on lone island far far away from people he can hurt.

I never thought I could hate Zeke more than I already had. But after Colt absolutely humiliated himself to save Falco and Zeke just screamed...As long as Zeke’s alive horrible things will keep happening.

WHAT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,923 Responses

27.2% of respondents are determined to keep the focus in Shiganshina, and don’t care what happens next so long as we aren’t taken off the battlefield just yet. 25% are anxious to hear news on Levi and Hange’s whereabouts and condition. 20.4% are hopeful that Eren will recover and finally be able to touch Zeke. 10.2% are still hanging on for Annie…. Someday she’ll come out….. someday….

I want to see Yelena next. We get this chapter one panel to her and this panel was strange as fuck. Something is up with her and I have the feeling that her existence will playing a huge role in the plot. I don't know, but I hope to get a flashback to her. 

ah, yes, this was such a horrifically tragic chapter *sheds tear* .....anyway, now that eren’s injured CAN WE SEE LEVI AND HANJI ??

Chapter 120: "Oh boy, I can't wait to see what happened to Ere-" *MEANWHILE, WITH HANGE AND LEVI...*

Pls dont switch to Levi and hange next chapter

Annie's never going to show up, huh?

I'm itching to see Historia, Levi, and Hange, as always, but what I really want to see in the next chapter is Mikasa's reaction to Eren's decapitation.

Let Eren and Zeke touch already >:v

AT THIS POINT, AROUND WHICH CHAPTER DO EXPECT THE MANGA WILL CONCLUDE? 1,856 Responses

With lots of news on the ending coming out recently, from the final manga exhibition, to Season 4 being announced as the final season, discussion on where the series will end has been very common lately.  44.1% think it will end with 130, next June.  30.3% think it will end a volume later at 134 in October, the same month the final season premiers.  14.1% think it’ll still be going while the final season is airing, going to 138 or beyond.  9.3% think it will end a tad sooner, at 126 in February.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,841 Responses

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

I think there's a possibility that Eren might be dead dead, but his legacy will live through his last wish, supposing Zeke catches his head.

At this point of the story I'm happy Annie is still chilling in her crystal, away from the bloodbath

I never would have thought we would see Falco eating Porco and obtaining the Jaw titan or seeing Eren's head just fuckin fly through the air this chapter was insane.

As much as I dislike Floch, I def do want to see what his reaction will be to Eren’s “death,” even more than I want to see Jean’s and Connie’s tbh.

What I want to know is why do all the people with more use to the story survive when guys like Niccolo who's usefulness to the story ended when the heat from Sasha's death get to stick around?

I don't think Gabi is a bad character, but to me it almost feels like she is just getting in the way of the story progressing. I do however think her actions are understandable for her character, but from a reader's perspective it annoys me.

*Whispers* Ok, but is it possible Porco's alive? and maybe Colt can pull an Armin or survive via P A T H S Magic?

Flying head memes are the best

I was astonished at what a weight it lifted off my chest and how much more forgiving I could be after seeing Eren “I’m too good to tell anyone my plan, I work alone and I’ve always hated you” Jaeger fail so hard that Zeke screamed, Connie, Jean, Armin, and Mikasa all had to save Eren, and he was “killed” by a twelve-year-old.

I actually didn't hate Gabi at first despite killing Sasha. But now whatever development she had is gone and since she is now established as a murderer, I am now aboard the "I Hate Gabi" train.

God, I really hope the next chapter is good because it's at a really pivotal point that could make or break this last arc.

I am very willing to make allowances for the inconsistencies so the chapter itself was very good in my opinion. The story progressed well, awesome action sequences, expectations subverted, suffering continued; therefore, good chapter.

I don't think Eren will return physically, but his presence will remain somehow through PATHS. The title of this manga is Shingeki no Kyojin, not Eren, so the story can resolve itself with the Attack Titan being inherited and Eren's memories explored.

It's a little rushed, but I like the idea and hope Isayama can pull these loose strands together to create an impactful finale.

I don't understand all this Gabi hate. Eren has always been a threat to her eyes : in Liberio's Festival when he brought by his actions death to her home and friends, in the room where he was odious to Armin and Mikasa and threatening them with a wound on his hand, when Pieck -who explained to her the world isn't black and white- designed him as the enemy and here, and here right before her child eyes, because of his and Zeke's plan, Gabi is there when Falco transforms into a titan, killing Colt in the process. It's understandable she was angry and reacted like that.

I know eren isnt dead, but idk how isayama is gonna pull it off without it feeling cheap

I liked it and it was very surprising! Tho it’s time Historia is shown again and Levi and Hange need to come back very soon as well.

I feel like a worrying number of readers seem to have somehow missed the fact Eren is meant to be a major antagonist of this arc lol

I'm torn over that ending. It had the potential to be such a powerful moment, but it just didn't do it for me.

I've never been so upset at a characters death before, not even Armins... Like Jean said to Eren about Marco: "Not everyone gets to go out in a blaze of glory." What a horrible way to go

Isayama delivers every single month.

Isayama. . . Eren internal monologue. . . . . . . when?

 I'm excited to see what comes next, but I'd like to jump back to characters like Levi, Hange, Annie, and Historia first so that everyone can come together for a big finale.  You can feel that the manga is reaching its conclusion.

Commander Pixis turning into a titan sigh so long dog. All the commanders except Hanje kicked the bucket

Oh boy. This chapter had me bawling. Colt and Porco' s deaths hit me hard. "Your big brother will be with you, always"....damn that hurt.

Shits going down and I'm here hoping to see Armin transforms just to piss Reiner off

Such a mindblowing chapter, I enjoyed it thoroughly. I was utterly speechless when Eren's head flew off. Isayama the madlad

Interesting seeing Porco receive path memories From Eren via Porco. The coordinate is the key to getting vivid memories from past shifters which almost certainly means Eren has access to Kruger’s memories with a little help from Historia.

Wouldn't it be funny if they suddenly cut to Levi and Hange for the next few months

WOW, this chapter was absolutely nerve-wracking! This one may just be the biggest emotional roller coaster ride yet with all those major character deaths and that jaw-dropping cliffhanger!

The start of every month sees a spike in my blood pressure as well as how much I pray while opening my browser to check if the latest chapter is up. Thanks, Isayama. Not only have you made me more religious, you've also made me more stressed out about a manga than exams and applications.

[naireides]

Bellarke + cops au. Partners to being "partners" ;)

wc: 3.5k | rated t

read on ao3 here

Bellamy Blake is a bad influence on Clarke Griffin.

Before she met him she was a novel cop: had a good arrest track, never late a single day in her life, uniform always straight and proper.

After she met him. Well.

“Griffin, you’re late,” Jaha says as she scrambles into the meeting room last minute, uniform wrinkled and hair unbound.

“Sorry!” she squeaks as she quickly takes her seat next to Blake, who flashes her a lazy smirk. She makes sure to elbow him in the gut when Jaha’s back is turned.

“You know, you could have woken me up,” she says, low, and his smirk just widens, even as he feigns a look of mild surprise.

“But then we’d end up walking in together, don’t you think that would be suspicious?” he asks, playing coy.

Clarke steps on his toes under the desk and has to smother a triumphant grin when his jaw clenches in pain.

-

The first time she meets Bellamy she thinks that he’s going to be one of those guys that’s a complete dick.

She’s wrong of course.

He’s a completely massive dick.

He’s gorgeous of course, but he’s also rude and brash and has a smarmy charm that has everyone else eating out of the palm of his hand but not her though. Clarke can see right through the act he puts up and she decides that from then on she’ll never give Bellamy Blake the time of day.

So of course they end up working together, with him being assigned as her partner within the first week and Clarke wants to pull her hair out when flashes her that irritating grin and winks.

“Morning partner,” he says, the day after they were assigned to each other. He slides a to go cup across her desk and she eyes it warily.

“What’s that?”

He snorts. “Come on Griffin, I heard you graduated top of your class. You can’t be that dumb.”

She glares at him.

He sighs. “Coffee. Sustenance. A gesture of goodwill.”

“Right.” She sniffs it and then takes a small, hesitant sip. She’s lucky that she’s always been able to keep her face impassive, evern under the most dire of circumstances. There’s enough sugar in that one small cup to kill a tiny dog. She can almost feel her blood turning to syrup at the mere thought of drinking the rest of it.

She pastes a smile on her face. “I’m good but thanks. Grab your stuff, someone just called about a break in.”

It’s a clear dismissal, especially when she turns her back to grab her gun and badge from the drawer and Bellamy frowns.

-

“I can’t believe you let me oversleep this morning!” she says, when they bump into each other in the kitchen after the meeting. Clarke didn’t have time to eat anything considering she woke up twenty minutes before she was supposed to be at work, so she’s resorted to rummaging through the cupboards in hopes of finding something.

“Last time I woke you up for work you spent the entire day complaining,” he says, popping a tupperware in the microwave. “I wasn’t risking that again.”

“Because last time you woke me up with sex,” she hisses after casting a furtive glance around.

“Yeah well, you didn’t seem to have a problem at the time,” he smirks and she wants to do nothing more than slap his pretty face.

“Wake me up next time,” she tells him and he gives her a two fingered salute as he shoulders past her to fill his water bottle from the cooler.

“Yes ma’am.”

“And stop acting so- so--”

“So what?” he asks, bemused as she struggles to find the right word.

“So fucking arrogant all the time!” she fumes. “You’re always sitting there like you’re the cat that got the cream.”

“I mean, technically I did get the cream.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Thanks.” The microwave dings and he nods towards it. “I made some extra pancakes for you,” he says, “Figured you’d be hungry.”

She blinks at the sudden change in the direction of the conversation.

“Thanks,” she says grudgingly as she takes it from the microwave. Sure enough there are three blueberry pancakes sitting inside the container, her favourite, and he passes the half empty bottle of honey from the fridge.

He nudges her gently with his hip as he walks past. “No problem.”

-

It takes some time getting used to her new partner.

Bellamy just seems to be the complete opposite of her.

He’s just so… chaotic.

Everything he does seems to have no rhyme or rhythm to it, not even his desk, which is covered in a haphazard stack of files and stationery, or his approach to cases, which half the time seems to just be a stab in the dark and makes it all the more infuriating when he’s right, or just his general demeanor in general.

(When she brings it up that one time he just smirks at her says, “What’s wrong with a little chaos?” and Clarke swears to god that she’s never wanted to smack anyone so hard in her life.)

So yeah. She’s still adjusting to all his… quirks.

“I can’t believe you shoved him to the ground,” Clarke says, watching as Bellamy hauls their suspect to his feet, hands cuffed behind his back already. “You could get written up for excessive use of force.”

He rolls his eyes at her and puts the guy in the back of the squad car, locking him in.

“He was running,” he says deadpan “What was I supposed to do? Ask him to slow down?”

She fumes. “You could be a bit gentler!”

“Wannabe Narcos over there sells drugs to kids. I think I was gentle enough.”

“If he’s bruised he could press charges against you.”

“Okay first of all, he’s a white guy. Y’all bruise if the wind blows too hard,” he snorts. “And second of all he was running from a police officer. A little tumble isn’t going to do anything to him.”

“I can’t believe you.”

“Yeah, yeah, go cry about it to Jaha,” he says, pulling open the driver’s side door and hopping in before staring at her. “You coming?”

“Unfortunately.”

“That’s the kind of attitude I love, good job, princess.”

“Call me princess one more time and I’m kicking you in the balls,” she says sweetly and he barks out a laugh,

“Yes ma’am.”

-

The Dropship is the local watering hole for everyone who works at the 100th precinct. Clarke is introduced to it by Monty and Jasper at the end of her first week and, after several rounds of begging, she agrees to accompany them for after work drinks.

It’s a small but clean hole in the wall, with lots of exposed metal and steel, and has a pool table shoved off in the corner by an old jukebox that plays nothing but old eighties hits.

She even sees Bellamy there that first night. He’s sitting with a couple other officers-- Miller and Reyes are the only ones she can identify by name-- but he does raise his beer in a mock salute when he sees her.

Her hands itch to flash him a middle finger.

Still, the place is pretty nice and she finds herself coming her with Bellamy and a couple of their work friends whenever they manage to close a case.

Every time she comes she always has the same thing: first round rum and coke, second round is whatever IPA they have on tap that she nurses for the rest of the evening, and last is three fingers worth of whiskey that she uses to knock glasses with Bellamy before she calls it a night.

It’s a fairly good system to keep her from getting drunk.

The only night she deviates from her system is when she and Bellamy make a major breakthrough in their drug trafficking case, ending the day with four wealthy businessmen in handcuffs.

That night Clarke gets absolutely shitfaced.

She hasn’t drank like that since college, throwing back shots and downing beer like water. She deserves this.

Of course, with every shot and bottle of beer that she finishes, she can’t help but start noticing why Roma from the human resources department and Echo from biohazards are always hanging around him. Every time she takes a sip of something, his shirt gets tighter or his hair gets messy or something else happens that has her biting her lip and clenching her thighs.

They get called to play beer pong, partners against partners, and annihilate three rounds of it before tapping out and heading to the pool table instead.

“That was some good work out there today, princess,” he says as he chalks the cue stick.

She pretends that she doesn’t feel like preening under the praise, just like how she pretends that she doesn’t deliberately stick her ass out as she leans over to rack up all the balls.

“Thanks. You too,” she says, taking her stick from him.

He shrugs, “Nah, I was just there. Today was all you.”

She bumps his hip with hers. “You don’t give yourself enough credit,” she tells him, meeting his gaze even through the boozy veil that hangs between them, “You’re a good cop, Bellamy.”

She would swear that he blushes. “Thanks Clarke. So are you.”

The air hangs heavy with something else between them, something unspoken, and he’s quick to clear his throat and say, “Winner takes all.”

“Takes all what?”

“Depends,” he asks, a wicked glint coming into his eye as he takes a step closer to her. She instinctively moves back, and feels the edge of the pool table press against the back of her thighs. “What do you have to offer?”

“Money, bragging rights,” she pauses before locking eyes with him and adding, “Myself.”

He gins at her, rocking forward on his heels slightly so that their noses touch. “I like the sound of the latter.”

“Well then it’s all yours. Provided that you win of course.”

“Deal.”

Clarke doesn’t want to say that she throws the game away but, well.

No one notices that they leave together, and they only make it about two blocks before someone is pushing the other against a wall and kissing them, deep and dirty.

He has a leg between her thighs that she grinds down on shamelessly, breathy little sighs spilling out of her mouth as he kisses her face, jaw, neck.

“Fuck Clarke,” he mutters as his nose skims her collarbone and his hands grab at her chest, “I needed to get my hands on your tits since yesterday.”

She laughs, a breathy silvery laugh, and she can feel his grin against her neck as he gives her tits one last squeeze before parting.

“Come on, my apartment is about ten minutes away,” he says, tugging on her hand, and she follows behind him.

-

“Hey Blake, can I talk to you for sec?” she asks, and, without waiting for his answer, she gets up and walks over to the evidence locker.

“You know, for someone who’s so obsessed with secrecy, telling me that you want to talk and then walking into the completely private evidence locker is the complete opposite of that,” he drawls when he walks in a minute later.

“Shut up,” she hisses before launching herself at him and patting him down.

“Hey! Woah there Griffin,” he laughs, “As much as I’m sure I’m about to enjoy this, I think HR is gonna have a problem.”

“I’m not doing that, you idiot,” she snaps, blushing a bit as she searches his pockets. “I know you have it.”

“Have what?” he asks, trying to pry her off his person.

“Aha!” She grabs his wrist. “See? I knew you had it.”

She pulls the black hair elastic off his wrist with a snap and quickly bundles her hair and secures it in place. “Stop stealing my hair bands.”

“I don’t steal your hair bands.”

“You’re the only other person who has access to them, ergo, you stole them.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yeah? So how’d it end up on your wrist?”

Bellamy stays silent and Clarke grins triumphantly.

“Gotcha.” She straightens her uniform and brushes a few flyaways that fell onto her face. “Just for that I’m making you do the arrest report for the Murphy case.”

“Come on princess, arrest reports are your kink.”

“Goodbye Bellamy.”

-

The first time Clarke wakes up in Bellamy’s bed, she manages to sneak out without being noticed and does her best to ignore him over the weekend, choosing to spend her time deep cleaning her apartment and catching up on trashy reality tv. Anything to avoid reminiscing about their time spent together Friday night.

Of course, come Monday morning she has to face the facts: she did sleep with Bellamy Blake and she liked sleeping with Bellamy Blake.

With that she steals her shoulders and heads to the precinct, extra large cup of coffee in hand.

She waits until they’re alone in the squad car to bring it up.

“So about Friday night…” she trails off, hoping he’d take the hint and help her discuss the very painful and very awkward topic at hand.

He doesn’t.

“What about it?”

“Well,” she starts, shifting awkwardly in her seat, “It’s unprofessional for partners to have any sort of relationship beyond friendship and, according to handbook, section four, subsection--”

“We are just friends though,” he says, easy, and she turns to give him an incredulous look.

“I don’t know what kind of friendships you have but I certainly don’t fuck my friends.”

He snorts. “Relax Griffin. I’m just saying, sex is sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” He casts a sidelong look at her, smirking. “Unless you don’t want it to, of course.”

“I don’t.”

“Great. Case closed. There you go. You can stop stressing now, you’re going to give yourself an ulcer.”

“Shut up and drive, Blake.”

-

Clarke is adamant that sex with Bellamy was just going to be a one time thing. One fun, drunken night with good sex. That’s all. Never going to happen again.

And then it happened again.

And again.

And again.

The first few times were always after celebratory drinks. Apparently that was their new way of closing a case. Go out with their work friends. Get drunk. Somehow end up on Bellamy’s kitchen counter while he eats her out.

Then she started going over to his place or he came over to her place when they ended up working late, splitting a mountain of takeout between them before eventually fucking right there on the floor or sometimes even in the shower.

(Sometimes after a really long day, they don’t even have the energy for it, and they end up in bed, his large, broad figure curled around her smaller one.)

(She doesn’t like to think about those times though, because thinking leads to wanting and Clarke refuses to head down that path.)

-

“Did you seriously just tackle that guy?” he asks when he finally catches up to her, not the slightest bit out of breath unlike Clarke, who’s near panting and red faced as pins their suspect down and handcuffs him.

“Don’t see you catching him,” she says, snapping the handcuffs in place with a click after she finished listing his rights. She hands him over to Bellamy who leads him to the car and locks him in.

“Weren’t you the same one who yelled at me for doing that when we first started working together?” he asks, grinning, and she flushes even further as she remembers that conversation from all those months ago.

“Yeah, well, maybe your bad habits are rubbing off on me,” she grumbles, knocking her shoulder into his.

“Call it what you want but before you transferred here, I had the highest number of arrests in the precinct.”

“Brag much?”

“I’m just saying, my ‘bad habits’ got me somewhere.” He shrugs.

“Maybe. But I also had the highest number of arrests back at my old precinct so. Who’s really winning here?”

“Still me,” he says, laughing at the glare she throws his way.

“We’re a team, dickhead. Your arrests are my arrests.”

“Call it what you want, but we both know I’m right.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re impossible.”

“You like it,” he says with a wink, and for some reason it makes her stupid heart flip.

-

As much as she likes to pretend that she has her shit together, Clarke is notoriously bad when it comes to personal stuff.

She only has a couple of people she actually calls friends, and even then, it’s not like she’s good at friendship. She only calls them a handful of times a year and almost always forgets to send a birthday card until the very last minute.

She has almost no relationship with her mother and her father died years ago, and she has no siblings or aunts or uncles or cousins that she could be close with either.

As for relationships, well. One ended because she found out that she was the other woman and the other ended in a blow up so bad that she begged for a transfer to move to another city entirely.

So feelings aren’t her things and the furthest she’s gotten with her feelings for Bellamy are that she has them. At least they both agreed that this thing was casual so she can go about her day and ignore their existence.

Mostly.

The thing about being a police officer is that she’s exposed to just how fragile human life is on a daily basis. Everything from murders to fights to drug overdose she’s seen.

So when they’re involved in a shoot out during a stake out of an alleged gang member, Clarke is very much aware of her own mortality as well as that of the man crouched next to her behind the car.

It’s frankly the worst time for an epiphany about her feelings but oh well.

They handle it well enough, with Bellamy drawing out the suspect’s fire and allowing her to get a clean shot at his leg before their back up and ambulances can arrive.

He does get grazed by a bullet though, a small thing on the side of his arm that tears through his shirt, and Clarke is disproportionately worried about him when she sees the slow trickle of blood down his arm.

Both Bellamy and the suspect are taken to the hospital, and Clarke follows after them.

She finds herself pacing outside his room with one of those prepackaged pack of powdered doughnuts that he likes so much until the attending tells her that she can go in.

“Hey,” she says as she pulls back the curtain. He’s sitting on top of an examination table, shirtless, with a stark white bandage wrapped around his bicep.

“Hey.” His eyes fall on the shiny pack in her hands and he lights up. “Are those for me?”

“Mhmm.”

“Thought you called it a heart attack in a pack,” he says, as he rips it open and pops one in his mouth.

“I called it diabetes in a pack,” she corrects him, sitting on the edge of the cot next to him. “And I still stand by that statement. Just thought you could use some cheering up. You know, after you got shot and all that.”

“It’s just a scratch,” he says. “Hurts like a motherfucker, but I’ll be fine.”

“Good. That’s good,” she says, clearing her throat. “I was worried about you for second there.”

“Clarke--”

Whatever he was going to say after her name gets muffled by the press of her mouth against his, soft and just quick enough to taste the powdered sugar on his lips.

They’ve kissed before. Not often, but sometimes in the heat of things, wet and fast and messy, and this isn’t anything like that. This kiss is quick and chaste and different.

“Partners don’t do that,” he rasps, eyes still closed when she pulls back. He’s still close enough that she can feel his heart hammering in his chest, just as hers.

“You and I both know that you’re more than just my partner,” she whispers, and that’s when he cracks open his eyes, flashing her that crooked smile she’s come to love.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that,” he says, before cradling her face and kissing her again, deep and wet.

Later, Clarke drives him home and they pick up Chinese on the way, which they eat on his couch while watching old reruns of the Office. After, when the containers are cleared and tv is switched off, they crawl into bed together and make out until their lips go numb.

She settles against him, a tired smile on her lips, and thinks yeah, that she could get used to this being her new normal.