#worth it but fuck me i'm dead
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@halepo @timetodiverge can I hang onto the neuron for the next 28 hours? I'll boop it on once that timeframe's up. I got a lot of work/study that's due midnight tomorrow and my brain has had ENOUGH!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me and my mutuals rebloging the same post
#I cannot wait 'til this training is over#worth it but fuck me i'm dead#earning my stripes#i'm just wanting to scroll AO3#reply to my inbox that's gathering cobwebs#read and comment on all the fics from sapphic 'soka week which i still haven't done yet#september has been a RIDE#i wanna get back to writing my fic...#*cries*#I think I need 12 hours of sleep#an extra weighted blanket#and a hot woman to pat me on the head and call me a good girl#mutual love
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I think the key component to my personal reading of post-Delphi Pharma is that he's trying to be a horrible person on purpose. Not "on purpose" in the way that people have free will to exercise their own choices, but in that Pharma's "mad doctor" persona is a performance he puts on to deliberately embrace how much everyone else hates him. Basically, if people already think you're a "bad Autobot" and a horrible doctor who just kills his patients for fun, why try to prove otherwise to people who have already made up their minds about you? Just fully embrace the fact that people see you as an asshole. Don't try to change their minds. Don't plead for their forgiveness or understanding. Just stop caring. If you're going to be remembered as a monster, you might as well be a memorable monster, and eke as much pleasure and hedonism as you can out of it before karma catches up to you and you inevitably crash and burn.
I mean, I guess you could just go the route of "Oh, Pharma was always a fucked up creepy guy and Delphi was just him taking the mask off," but I really don't like that interpretation because, for one, it feels really wrong to take a character like Pharma becoming evil under duress and going, "Oh well clearly he did the things he did because he was evil all along," as if somehow Pharma breaking under blackmail/torture/threat of horrible death was a sign of him having poor moral character. As opposed to, you know, suffering under the very real threat of horrible death for himself and everyone he cares about while being manipulated by a guy who specializes in psychological torture.
The second reason is that it just doesn't make sense to write Pharma as having been evil all along. I mean...
Occam's Razor says that the best argument is the one with the simplest explanation. Doesn't it make way more sense to take Pharma's appearances in flashbacks, his friendship with Ratchet, his stunning medical accomplishments, and the few we see of him speaking kindly/sympathetically (or in the least charitable interpretation, at least professionally) towards his patients and conclude "This guy was just a normal person, if exceptionally talented." Taking all of these flashback appearances at face value and assuming Pharma was being genuine/honest is a way simpler and more logical explanation than trying to argue that Pharma for the past 4 million years was just faking being a good doctor/person. I mean, it's possible within the realm of headcanon, but the fact is Pharma's appearances in the story are so brief that there simply wasn't room in the story for there to be some sort of secret conspiracy/hidden manipulation behind why Pharma acted the way he did in the past.
I just can't help but look at things like Pharma's friendship with Ratchet (himself a good person and usually a fine judge of character) and the fact that even post-Delphi, pretty much every single mention of Pharma comes with some mention of "He was a good doctor for most of his life" or "He was making major headways in research [before he started killing patients]" which implies that even the Autobots themselves see Pharma's villainy as a recent turn in his life compared to how for "most of his life" he "used to be" a good doctor.
And although Pharma doesn't know this, we as the readers (and even other characters like Rung) know about Aequitas technology and the fact that it actually works, so... if Pharma really was an unrepentant murderer, why couldn't he get through the forcefield too? The Aequitas forcefield doesn't require that a person be completely morally pure and free of wrongdoing or else how could Tyrest get through, just that they feel a sense of inner peace and lack feelings of guilt. Pharma has murdered and tortured people by this point, and put on quite a campy and theatrical show of how much he sees it as a fun game, so why then can he not get through?
It circles back to my headcanon at the start of this post that the "mad doctor" persona is just that-- a persona. Delphi/post-Delphi Pharma's laughing madman personality is just so far removed from every flashback we saw of him and everything we can infer based on how other people see/saw him before that, to me, the mad doctor act is (at least in large part, if not fully) a persona that Pharma puts on to put his villainy in the forefront.
To avoid an overly simplistic/ableist take, I don't think Tarn tortured Pharma into turning crazy. To me, it's more like the constant pressure of death by horrific torture, the feeling of martyrdom as Pharma kept secret that he was the only one standing between Delphi and annihilation, the physical isolation of Messatine as well as the emotional separation from Ratchet, being forced to violate his medical oaths (pretty much the only thing Pharma's entire life has been about), etc. All of that combined traumatized Pharma to the point that the only way he could avoid cracking was to just stop caring about all of it. Because at least then, even if he's still murdering patients to save Delphi from a group of sadistic freaks, Pharma doesn't have to feel guilty and sick about doing it. As opposed to the alternatives, which were probably either going off the deep end and killing himself to escape, or confessing to what he did and getting jailed for it.
In that light, Pharma becoming a mad doctor makes sense. It avoids the bad writing tropes of "oh this character who was good his entire life was actually just evil and really good at hiding it" as well as "oh he got tortured and went crazy that's why he's so random and silly and killing people, he's crazy" and instead frames Pharma's evil as something he was forced into, to the point where in order to avoid a full psychological breakdown and keep defending Delphi, he just had to stop caring about the sanctity of life or about what other people might think of him.
Then, of course, the actual Delphi episode happens, and Pharma's own lifelong best friend Ratchet basically spits in his face and sees him as nothing more than a crazy murderer who went rogue from being a good Autobot. Then Pharma gets his hands cut off and left to die on Messatine. At that point, Pharma has not only been mentally/emotionally broken into losing his feelings of compassion, he's received the message loud and clear: He is alone. Everyone hates him. Not even his own best friend likes him any more. No one even cared enough about him to check if he actually died or not. He will only ever be remembered as a doctor who went insane and killed his patients.
So in the light of 1. Having all of your redeeming qualities be squeezed out of you one by one for the sake of survival and 2. Having your reputation and all of your positive relationships be destroyed and 3. People only know/care about you as "that doctor who became evil and killed his patients" rather than the millions of years of good service that came before.
What else is there to do but internalize the fact that you'll forever be seen as a monster and a freak, and embrace it? People already see you as a murderer for that blackmail deal you did, so why not become an actual murderer and just start killing people on a whim? People already see you as an irredeemable monster who puts a stain on the Autobot name, so why beg for their forgiveness when you could just shun them back? You've already become a murderer, a traitor, and a horrible doctor, so what's a few more evil acts added to the pile? It's not like anyone will ever forgive you or love you ever again.
Why care? Why try to hold on to your principles of compassion, kindness, medical ethics, when an entire lifetime of being a good person did nothing to save you from blackmail and then abandonment? Why put yourself through the emotional agony of feeling lonely, guilty, miserable, when you could just... stop caring, and not hurt any more?
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#i'm sure the doylist reason for the writing is just that pharma was a designated villain#so since he's a villain and 'crazy' it's fine for everyone even the good guys to treat him like complete trash#i just think from a watsonian perspective taking a sympathetic approach is way more interesting and logically consistent#what i mean is like. from a meta perspective one of the best ways to show that a character is super evil and not worth saving#is when even the good guy heroes. the ones who are supposed to be kind and compassionate and wise. see him as dirt#and this is also kind of a necessity in most plots bc TF is the kind of series that just needs action villains and long-term antagonists#so not every villain is written or has a plot to be made redeemable. and pharma is one of these bc he's not important or a legacy character#so from a doylist (meta) perspective you could read the autobots' disregard of pharma as a sign of#'this guy is not meant to have your sympathy as a reader. pay no attention to him'#but from a watsonian (in universe) perspective it paints a miserable picture of pharma being utterly forsaken by the ppl he served alongsid#and like yeah i'm super autistic about pharma so of course i view him with sympathy but like#the idea of being a loyal and good person for years only to be subjected to a Torment Nexus of#being blackmailed into breaking all of the oaths you held sacred. under threat of you and all your comrades dying horrible torturous deaths#then when your comrades find out about it they focus solely on the 'harvesting organs' and not on the 'blackmail' part#and then you get literally left for dead by your comrades and best friend hating your guts#and then you get rescued by a guy who uses you as a test subject for his evil machine#this is a fucking nightmare scenario like pharma could hardly be suffering more if the author TRIED to make him suffer#and for me it's like. the evil pharma did can't be decontextualized to what drove him to that. as well as the question of like#how easily ppl can write someone off as evil and turn a blind eye to (or even find satisfaction in) their suffering bc theyre evil#and either brought it on themselves or it's just karma paying a visit#like. i feel like if pharma WERE a shitty doctor and a terrible person his whole life then the delphi situation would feel like karma#but the way it's written and the lore retroactively put in makes it feel more pharma getting thrown in a torture carousel#and THEN becoming evil. but then being treated as if he was always evil or was some sort of bad apple#bc like i'm not opposed to LOLing when a villain gets a karmic torture/death related to the wrongs they committed#but in pharma's case it feels less like karma and more like endless torture + being abandoned by ppl who should have been more loyal
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it's been a hot sec since i've talked about cyberpunk and i was initially working on a fic that would tell the story of this whole thing, but i've abandoned it many months ago and cannot say when i'll be picking it up again SO! i've decided to instead make this timeline. sorry in advance for how much information is in this thing the cyberpunk extended blorboverse essentially refers to the story parallel to the in-game events of cyberpunk 2077 that @mojaves and i came up with. we don't really have a better name for it but at this point the term has been used so many times that i feel like everyone here knows what it is by now, but at the same time we've never really explained the full scope of what the story is by now (it's a lot sorry). so in an attempt to get you guys a little bit more up to date with it all, here's a semi coherent timeline that describes the core events of the story and every branching story that came out of it! for additional background information, you can check out the following posts (timeline 1 / timeline 2 / timeline 3) to catch up with the continuation of the in-game storyline that's referenced in this timeline, but it's mostly irrelevant to everything here save for a couple of referenced events that cross over between the stories. it all ties together very intricately sorry about that. don't worry too much about it i've included my taglist down below to make sure people who are interested won't miss this post, but feel free to skip over this if it's not your thing! won't be doing a lot of this kind of stuff in the future but i'm trying to get back to the cyberpunk roots so this is kind of like, a good starting point and reference point for later posts!
The story starts in early 2077 and is centered around Sebastian Vidal, gang leader of the Cobras and previous test subject of Arasaka Special Programs (the linked page is a lot of information but gives the most coherent overview of what the branch actually is). The current director of the SERPENT projects, Andrew Colton, and Dr. Alana Cartier, both want him dead, to tie up their last loose end before the rest of Arasaka can find out and shut down Special Programs once and for all.
Over the past months they’ve been hiring various assassins in secret, to try and get Seb killed; however, these assassins keep failing, and their latest attempt lies in the hands of Cassidy Shaffer, an ex-corpo turned assassin with a strong moral code and plenty of experience to his name. With little to work with, as his mysterious client doesn’t give out much information, Cassidy starts with what he thinks is gonna be a quick and easy job– but he ends up hunting after Seb for essentially a year.
During this year, the two men have a series of wild encounters that get more and more insane the longer it goes on; it includes, but is unfortunately not limited to, Cassidy biting off a chunk of Seb’s ear, the two of them running over the highway, the two of them getting handcuffed together and chased by the NCPD then hit by a car right in front of the hospital, and Seb sensually licking blood off Cassidy’s face after having stabbed him when Cassidy wanted to strike at a concert Seb is visiting.
All of it comes to a sudden stop when Cassidy learns his client has been lying to him the whole time, and since he does not appreciate lying clients he ends up jumping sides and teams up with the Cobras to do some cleanup duty in Arasaka Special Programs. He and Seb work together to go after a list of targets to get the still ongoing projects mostly to a halt, while remaining in the shadows themselves as to not draw too much attention their way; and during this collaboration they meet several people from their past, bringing back both good and bad memories.
One of these people is Hanan Chisaka, the Head of Security at Special Programs. She ends up becoming the next test subject of Project Cobra after the last successful subjects, Xavier and Gabriel Mason, end up escaping in the midst of the chaos of Hanako Arasaka’s capture in mid-2077. Once Seb’s best friend and Cassidy’s mentor, she’s now forced to hunt the both of them down; but in their final confrontation she snaps out of the controlled mode Arasaka keeps her in and runs away with them, effectively leaving Special Programs without any test subjects. Another one of these people is Reid Bennett, Cassidy’s ex and ex-coworker back at MaxTac. He still works for the corporation and has been on an ongoing investigation into Arasaka Special Programs; seeing Cassidy alive and well, working together with Seb no less, piques his interest and he continues to look further into the case, which will cause him to make a very big mistake later on in the timeline.
By September 2078, Seb and Cassidy have successfully taken down all their planned targets and retreat back into the shadows, leaving Special Programs with many losses and no test subjects. With the APEX program discontinued a month earlier (incident discussed in this fic, which is a continuation of the in-game events), and Hanako Arasaka recovered and ready to take the corporation back from the hands of her corrupt brother, Special Programs ends up having to retreat for the time being, and cook up a new plan in the background.
Special Programs by this point is run by Andrew Colton, Alana Cartier, and Kaida Akiyama, three players who have been in the game for a long time already in the SERPENT projects’ runtime. Colton and Cartier are married– Cartier used to be married to Seb and cheated on him for a good amount of time when he was still at Arasaka– but their marriage is starting to fall apart. Akiyama has had to watch over Special Ops agent Ambrose Hawthorne for a while during his chase after the Mason twins, which ended up with the twins dead and Hawthorne going into early retirement (Arasaka doesn’t know the twins faked their death and Ambrose is now dating one of them lol), and xe is now determined to help Colton and Cartier get Seb back into Arasaka so the projects can continue.
Cassidy’s initial plan was to leave as soon as the collaboration would come to an end, but he has found his place with the Cobras and instead ends up officially joining them.The next chapter in the story is a more laid-back and easygoing chapter, in which Cassidy learns to be part of real life again, and in which Seb learns to let people get close to him again after spending years trying to convince himself he doesn’t need any help. Over the course of a little over a year (all the way to November 2079), the two grow even closer than they had already done, going on gigs together and, you guessed it, slowly but surely falling in love until they inevitably end up together at the end of it.
Not long after the two get together, Reid returns into Cassidy’s life. He wants to try and be friends again and Cassidy gives him a second chance, though this soon enough turns out to have been a mistake, with Reid trying to create distance between Seb and Cassidy and then going as far as trying to sell Cassidy to Kang Tao (one of the few corporations that have been hunting Cassidy down for a while now) in exchange for his own freedom from MaxTac (where he would have otherwise been stuck at for probably the rest of his life). Naturally, Reid can’t watch Cassidy get tortured for long and leaks his location to the Cobras, who find and free Cassidy and take Reid into captivity instead– he does not get killed, but instead has to sit out some time at a safehouse somewhere in solitude, where he gets to decide what kind of person he wants to be in the future.
This brings us to Elysium; a gorgeous spaceship which was supposed to be a relatively cheap escape from reality for everyone who wanted a refreshing break from Earth, but through Arasaka sponsorship has become just another cash-grab project to compete with the Crystal Palace– and considering the megacorporation has its greasy hands all over it, the secret labs in the spaceship are used for a series of very unethical experiments. Naturally so, it would be the perfect place for Colton to continue his SERPENT projects without the risk of Hanako Arasaka finding out and shutting the place down. He sends forces up to Elysium (obviously after his other attempts at relocating the project to space have failed tremendously, having lost contact with every single crew in the smaller Arasaka stations in orbit around the planet), but since he’s not there himself his cousin (one of the CEOs of Elysium), Maxwell Crane, unbeknownst to Colton, takes control of the SERPENT projects in space instead. From the earlier linked Special Programs page: “Project Eryx used the technology of previous projects, but took a completely new approach in the hosts it used; rather than focusing on the human psyche it attempted to create a new type of cyborg which would lack the humanity that caused previous projects to fail. The Cobra chips were no longer used and the software was instead installed directly onto the host’s mainframe. The flexibility of the new hosts– more robot than human, and in some cases the entire human aspect was lacking altogether– allowed for experimentation with highly advanced cybernetic enhancements and military grade tech and upgrades, turning the test subjects– dubbed ‘prototypes’– into dangerous, unstoppable killing machines.”
Things settle down for Seb and Cassidy, but this moment of peace does not last long. In January 2081 the two find themselves traveling to the spaceship Elysium, to investigate a curious situation in the laboratories– they’ve been hired by Arasaka without their knowledge and it’s a setup to get Cassidy killed and Seb back in Cartier’s control.
While in space, they learn that the secret labs have suffered an outbreak of the above mentioned prototypes. They quickly connect the dots and realize Special Programs is back in the game, and they work together with security guards Aubrey Valentine and Leon dello Russo to try and fix the situation before it gets out of hand. Obviously this fails tremendously and Elysium ends up on a complete lockdown after a ship-wide outbreak, which is eventually contained in late March of that year, with CEO Maxwell Crane dead, leaving only his wife Kinsley Osborn behind.
Elysium continues to exist and is rebuilt after the crisis, and Kinsley Osborn can now finally turn it into the retreat it was always meant to be. Previously, most Elysium employees were to be stuck in space for the rest of their lives; however, with Arasaka out of the picture they are free to leave as they please, which results in a gigantic cut in total employee count in the months that follow.
Seb and Cassidy return to Night City and take Aubrey and Leon with them. Aubrey reunites with his sisters; Becca, James, and Rikki, and soon after his return to the city he opens an LGBTQ+ nightclub called Bodytalk with them, found Downtown, City Center, in June 2081. Not only is it a fun place to hang out at, it’s also his main hub as a fixer, and he starts a collaboration with the Cobras to get business going between the gang and the club; and soon enough it grows into a large and powerful network of connections, which is the foundation on which the rest of the stories are built.
After this point in time, many many more things happen but it would take me another hour or ten to go into full detail of all of that, so instead here’s a quick rundown of some of the other things that Bodytalk gets involved in:
Reid Bennett is handed over to Aubrey and he starts working at the club, and he becomes a very valued employee as well as a good friend to many now that he’s no longer fucking insane
Kaida Akiyama returns from Elysium and shows up to Hanan’s doorstep, to ask for her help with getting out of Arasaka for good; much later on, xe starts working for Bodytalk as well, in an attempt to put xyr past behind xem and become a better person
Urban Dynamite starts performing at the club regularly, and it becomes their home base
Luna Serratos, Cassidy’s ripperdoc friend from all the way back to killing era, gets involved in the Harbinger case from Maelstrom (one of the gang’s most feared members); turns out the Harbinger is in fact Reuben de la Rosa, a by then 22-year-old kid who has ended up in Luna’s care with his friend Noah Telavera after the two got caught up in an explosion. She requests the Cobras’ help with getting Maelstrom to let Reuben go
Officer Michele Diaz from Militech (who used to be Cassidy’s boss) is demoted following the lawsuits after the Elysium incident, and her investigation into the incident in hopes to get her job back leads her to Bodytalk; she begins threatening them and sends the whole club and their allies into uncertain times
Many people get married. There’s so many fucking guys here we went a little insane with the numbers but there’s several weddings and there’s a whole polycule going on too feel free to send asks about this if you’re interested
Cobra Cybernetics releases a new line of cyberware, which is incredibly buggy and dangerous to the public; it’s brought to the club’s attention and it makes them realize that Luiza Vidal (Seb’s sister), who not that long ago asked them to kill her husband (William Colton (Andrew’s brother), CEO of Cobra Cybernetics), has gone missing; they now need to get involved without getting the news out that they actually didn’t kill William and that he is still alive somewhere, while also balancing out dynamics between Biotechnica (angry at Cobra Cybernetics for stealing their designs) and Arasaka (the actual reason why Cobra Cybernetics’ designs look like Biotechnica’s designs, because William stole designs from Special Programs after halting their partnership after the Elysium incident, but these designs had been stolen by Arthur Jenkins from Biotechnica even BEFORE that to be able to hijack the European Space Council’s cybernetics following the Frankfurt incident. Are you still with me)
Vitali Dobrynin (fixer and main character from the in-game events storyline and the continuation of it; Vincent “V” Mayer’s boyfriend) ends up visiting Bodytalk after meeting Aubrey at a Fixer Council meeting, which happens in late 2083; this essentially ties the two main storylines together, which means that yes, a lot of the characters from the two separate storylines end up meeting :]
Officer Ulysses Dimakos (used to work with Reid at MaxTac) is sent to investigate Bodytalk following the Cobra Cybernetics scandal, and ends up teaming up with the club to get MaxTac on a dead trail in exchange for his freedom of the corporation
On top of the Bodytalk / Cobras centered storyline, there’s a couple of side stories that are still connected to the whole thing but are more of a standalone thing with only a few touching points to the rest of it all:
This obviously takes place a lot earlier because it’s already mentioned above, but Special Ops agent Ambrose Hawthorne is tasked with chasing after the escaped Mason twins; naturally he lets them go and ends up going into retirement, and Xavier Mason later on ends up becoming Bodytalk’s part-time repair guy on account of knowing Kaida
Gabriel Mason ends up in a car crash with retired security specialist Ames Ortega, who was also in Elysium during the incidents there, and the two end up babysitting Ambrose and Xavier’s kids together while those two are helping Hanan with getting Kaida out of Arasaka (Are you still with me. Blink if you can hear me)
Mercenary Frankie Sayyad gets a promotion from his fixer, Vulture (real name Diana Crane, Maxwell Crane’s older sister and cousin of the Coltons), and becomes one of her Bloodhounds; he works together with Evelyn Harris, Nimue Nkuna, and Beckett Rydel, the latter being one of the very first test subjects of Arasaka Special Programs, and the four accidentally get themselves mixed into a mystery concerning their secretive fixer
Caleb Harris, ex-security at Biotechnica, ends up back at Club Bodytalk not long after the conclusion of the Cobra Cybernetics scandal, and starts working for Aubrey; he is partnered up with Ramiel Al-Masri, a mercenary who has been working for Vitali Dobrynin for a while and has recently joined Aubrey’s mercenary roster too, and together they dive into a series of gigs neither of them had expected
Journalist Bodhi Shankar has finally found more evidence and information surrounding the mysterious cult gang Umbra and its so-called Prophet, Thiago Salazar; however, his antics have led to him accidentally becoming part of the gang himself, and he has to figure out a way to get Thiago to stop listening to the supposed deity that the gang worships known as Scintilla, before she makes him do things that will get many people killed
taglist (opt in/out)
@velocitic, @deadrlngers, @euryalex, @ordinarymaine, @gurathins;
@mojaves, @shellibisshe, @dickytwister, @mnwlk, @rindemption;
@ncytiri, @calenhads, @noirapocalypto, @florbelles, @radioactiveshitstorm;
@strafethesesinners, @fashionablyfyrdraaca, @aemondtargeryen, @radioactive-synth, @katsigian;
@estevnys, @elgaravel, @aezyrraeshh, @carlosoliveiraa
#nuclearwriting#timeline tag#this is really lengthy so again if you don't wanna go through all that i can respect that WBHSNGJFDHGDFJG just wanted to like#show that no i am NOT dead i have in fact been yelling about my ocs basically every single day since the last piece of writing i posted#but it's all in intricate rituals between me and my bf that as you can see results into. so much information. that's only barely coherent#i could go into entirely more detail is the thing. i could very easily go into entirely more detail because you see#we have encounters written out for killing era. all encounters. they're all there#we have separate timelines for the bigger events like the elysium arc and the maelstrom arc and the militech arc#the whole thing with cobra cybernetics is a buildup that dates back all the way to fucking 2072 and then happens in 2083/84#the colton/crane family dynamics are a whole bookwork of information on its own#then there's the whole polycule that's gotten. a little out of hand i'll admit but it's COHERENT i made a VISUAL for it#there's years worth of history between SO many of these characters that can all be analyzed and picked apart personally#there's the whole side stories going on with ambrose and the mason twins and the bloodhounds and umbra#the whole elysium incident on its own is a horror freakshow that would do numbers on here. i'm telling you#BASICALLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS. IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING#PLEASE COME INTO MY INBOX OR IN ANDY'S INBOX WE LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF#THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE AN INSANE AMOUNT OF OCS FOR IT AND WE'RE STILL MAKING MORE#ELYSIUM HAS A WHOLE CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE MADE UP A WHOLE CREW FOR ITTBHGFJNBHGJKSDGDSNGJDSG#I'M NORMAL
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Spooky you're in california right? Are you safe??
As of right now I am safe, yes! Deffo been having some close calls with smaller fires springing up nearby, and the four-ish days of white-knuckle stress and anxiety probably isn't doing me any favors, but I have stuff packed and ready to toss in my car if it comes to that... I really hope it doesn't. xnx;;
#maybe this is my cue to finally move outta this place;;#i'm not sure the animation industry's worth risking my life for and i doubt things are gonna be getting any better weather-wise;;#or job-wise even#fucking hell#unfortunately i dont exactly feel safe being stuck back in the bible belt either... *sigh*#it'd be going back into the figurative closet to escape the literal fires;#my new year's resolution was to survive though so I guess i'd better figure it out#sorry to be a bummer- this week's been having some awful effects on my mental state#between the physical danger and the bad sign of all the major social medias taking a fashy turn#canaries are dropping dead in that coal mine left and right... it's hard to feel positive#but hey... new years resolution right? I'm really gonna try and stick to it this year so wish me luck!
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Scene Awsten Hair (And some bonus clothes)
While I made hair for Awsten before, I was never satisfied with the shape of the scene hair, and for a long time I felt this base mesh from Backyard Stuff, which I kept thinking was from Cool Kitchen Stuff, for awhile, would be perfect. But the bangs went the wrong way, so I decided to mirror the mesh in Blender, as that is like the only hair related thing I can modify, but then the UV mapping on the back was off, if you wanted to know why I screenshotted a lot of low angles, so I fixed that. And I'm really picky about which direction bangs fall. :)
Due to it being a mesh edit, it should not require any packs, tho due to the UV mapping editing, this hair is just standalone. Not to fret! In case you REALLY want this hair mirrored with the default textures and UV mapping, I made that too.
Pictured above is how Awsten normally treats me in this game. Due to how I made all this hair for him, I am able to have outfits for him and up to 4 different hairs with all different colors. The tricolor I use all the time, red & black for a few specific outfits, blue for just one, and now scene for two. This only matters to me really, but in case you're like me and like your Sims to change hair style and color a lot.
Scene Awsten Hair
Mirrored Backyard Stuff Hair
As a bonus, as I'm never gonna get to share these otherwise, I made some shirt and shoe recolors for him, the shoes and long stripes shirt are extra swatches onto vanilla stuff, the striped t-shirt is standalone. I spent like an hour on the damn shoes, I am sharing them. Oh and fingernails too. Those come with a second swatch for Jack, so two swatches. All should be base game. The shoes and tshirt come with extra swatches, the long sleeved shirt just has the one.
Striped T-shirt
Sneakers
Long Sleeved Striped Shirt
Duel Color Fingernails
#sims 4 cc#sims 4#the sims 4#ts4 cc#the sims cc#ts4#sims 4 cas#ts4 cas#cas#awsten knight#waterparks#hair#top#accessories#shoes#fingernails#Sorry about the red glow#werewolf fury you know#I'm trying to use Awsten to do the current Reaper Challenge as idk it felt like something he'd do and plus he already has some crops growin#And his skills are decent enough#Except his fishing sucks but who needs to fish when you can hunt#Anyway he is horrifically unruly and doesn't listen to me and is only saved by being too funny to stay mad at#Cringe from For Rent is the perfect trait for him#For Rent has amazing traits but I couldn't give two fucks about anything else#So I paid $40 to have Awsten dab and annoy other Sims with memes. Worth it? Probably#I even recolored that tie-dye shirt but since it's someone else's CC I'm not sharing it#I try to avoid using other CC for bases if I intend to share something just out of common curtesey#And because in 20 years one of the two halves will be nuked from the internet and impossible to find and that will make me sad#Because I browse Sims 2 CC all the time and constantly run into dead links and missing dependencies for the best looking emo hair this side#of 2004 and it kills me every time. I make a lot of random things and don't want to share if I didn't make it all or it's not half vanilla.
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bug found its way into my cup. looked real happy and smug about it. this pissed me off and motivated me to prove a point. I made sure it couldn't leave. i put bleach in the cup. now neither of us can be happy. I hope it was worth it you shit bug.
#its now dead and suffered the whole time as it both burned and drowned 😌#HOPE IT WAS FUCKIN WORTH IT YOU SHIT MOTHERFUCKER#i've become like. a weapon against bugs since living where i do sdhfshdghfvvgshfd#ive become a bug assassin. a bug hitman. i dont hesitate. I'm always accurate with my spray bottle.#im not trapped in here with them theyre trapped in here with me#they made the dumb mistake of thinking it was a good idea to exist in my house#'🤪 Hey gUys tHeRe mIgHt bE FoOD Or fUcK SPoTs In HeRe' and then i rise from the shadows and wipe them from existence#im immune to giving a fuck about the bugs that try to be in my house. unless its like a wasp or something I actually care about-#but all you gnats n flies n shit? nah. idc. instakill as far as im concerned. i'd /kill @e[type=gnat] if I could#im the mosquito/fly/gnat terminator
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Since the topic's been going around and getting me thinking:
Ockham enjoys the typical shows of romance, particularly those expressed physically. Heshethey does struggle though to be the only person in a relationship and the only means of physical/emotional intimacy or support for someone because of hishertheir transitory nature and personal priorities overriding romance. The Greater London Polycule is a good fit for himherthem. Emotional intimacy might be a bit more difficult because of the current identity crisis happening, but heshethey wouldn't turn down sex or any kind of physical intimacy. That's something that Ockham doesn't really have any hangups about, possibly related to living in close quarters with people most of hishertheir life and seeing it as something mundane and relatively normalised. Especially with hishertheir eclectic set of memories and experiences (many of them serpentine), Ockham finds the sexual mores of Victorian Londoners particularly inane at times. These elements also makes Ockham open to trying pretty much anything a partner may suggest, at least once.
On the other side of the spectrum is Roberts, who's actively irked by any overt signs of romance on Grand Geode, usually because that means said sequencers are distracted or shirking duties. Realistically, the negativity comes from it being something that he feels that he could never have as a consequence of both his sexuality and position (though it's not something he's self-aware enough to know, nor wants to think about). Anyone making romantic overtures at this point would be pushed away out of a mixture of him not believing that he deserves it, that said person is after some sort of advantage because of his position, and that it would be a distraction from The Work, with a healthy bit of fear of the unknown thrown in for good measure. He's built up a ridiculous amount of intricate rituals around physical contact with people that make sense only to him. Having any sort of a sex life is a nightmare when you're almost everyone's superior officer and instantly recognisable, and come with enough emotional baggage to hold every piece of sentient clothing in Polythreme, and thus regulated to quick and faceless encounters, often in foreign ports. Even then, the intricate rules persist: sex is sex, direct and perfunctory. Kissing is off limits, absolutely no lingering touches, nothing that feels too much like intimacy or involves giving up control or trusting someone. Get what you're here for and go.
Nite's lack of memory has made everything a novel option and possibility. This is not necessarily a good thing. His strong streak for showmanship and craving attention lead to some somewhat extreme behaviour. Those grand gestures that only seem to work in romance novels are exactly what appeals to his sensibilities and he's convinced that they would work in real life, and is apt to try. If boomboxes and romcoms existed in this era, he would be that guy. It clearly seems to work in the films, so absolutely worth attempting in real life. Because a lot of what he imagines romantic behaviour is comes from stories and not real life experience, he starts with the idea that this is what romance and seduction should look like. Many of these things are things he doesn't even necessarily enjoy, but he tries anyway because what does he know, maybe that's just how things are done. This does eventually modulate over time, when he gets a better sense for his own preferences, and the flair for the dramatic remains, but tempered. He is also very quick to emotionally open up and try to deepen a relationship (either romantic or otherwise), often faster than the other person is comfortable with. After a handful of negative experiences he's gotten better at this. Unlike Ockham, whose sexual tastes generally tend to be broader and has a fairly solid sense of hishertheir boundaries, Nite has the same "I'll try anything" approach, albeit it closer to an "I have to try everything to know what I like" outlook, and no moderation or sense of pacing. This has led to a handful of upsetting experiences (both for himself and any partner(s) involved) when he inevitably discovers far too late that this was not a good idea. His lack of knowledge of his own boundaries makes him dangerous to both himself and others.
Tamara's been on dates with some of her peers back in Varchas, but it was never something that intensely interested her, nor did she ever have a serious relationship. It was expected that she would eventually settle down, either with someone of her choosing from a similar class background, or through a suitable suitor introduced through her family. She did enjoy the attention that flirtation brought, but would be the first to tell you that she doesn't really know what she wants out of a partner either romantically or sexually, but of course has plenty of time to figure it out. In London, she has far more important priorities at the moment and isn't even entertaining the idea. Her initial suspicion surrounding Ockham's kindness was quickly assuaged upon realising that heshethey doesn't necessarily want anything from her at all and offering her a place to stay was simply an act of one outsider recognising another and offering a helping hand. Of course, there's plenty more regarding Ockham about which to be suspicious, but that's a different topic.
The Rubbery Barber Surgeon is in a healthy and loving butch/femme relationship with The Tentaclar Surgeoness. He enjoys filling the traditional masculine role that the Surgeoness, a huge fan of pulpy romance novels, seeks in a partner. Thus far, things have gone well for them, and they seem perfectly compatible. She might just be the one. He may have visited a particular jeweler on Flute Street a couple of times. He's slowly planning a very special date night for them in the near future.
#ockham#roberts/nite#tamara#the rubbery barber surgeon#oh boy did this get away from me#the proportion of OCs who have healthy relationships to romance and sexuality is actually higher than i'd expected#the fucked up sequencer/revolutionary is an outlier adn should not have been counted#throwing the entire statistic into disarray#astra i'm looking you dead in the eyes over the internet when i say even on a bad day it's not worth it#avoid that old man#in any and all forms#roberts
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oh so NOW y'all rushers wanna talk about James Diamond/Jett Stetson and Jo Taylor/Lucy Stone?!??!?!!! NOW y'all wanna go and totally get behind that like it's the next big revelation?!!??? WHERE WERE Y'ALL WHEN I WAS OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE ALONE IN THE FRONTLINES COVERED IN BLOOD AND RELENTLESSLY HERALDING THESE DAMN RAREPAIRS WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BATTERED CONVICTION AND YET NO ONE FUCKIN LISTENED?!?!!!! ISTG I'M GODDAMN CASSANDRA RN FINALLY WATCHING FORETOLD PROPHECIES GET FULFILLED AND YET. THE VINDICATION FEELS ALL TOO LATE AS THE LEGACY I HAVE BUILT IS ALL BUT FORGOTTEN NOW
#THERE ARE 16 JAMES/JETT AO3 FICS AND GUESS WHAT. 10 OF THEM ARE FUCKING MINE. AND COUNTING.#6 JO/LUCY FICS AND 3 OF THEM ARE MINE ISTG AM I GOING INSANE??????? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I AM SO PISSED BRB CHEWING ASPHALT RAWRGRHGD#ok fr i love jocy but it's been around for a while so i'm not taking credit for it. JAMETT HOWEVER. THEY ARE MY GAY HIMBO BASTARD CHILDREN#THE FUCKING WAY THESE IDIOT BOYFRIENDS HAD A CHOKEHOLD ON ME BRO I. HAD TO WRITE ALL THE CONTENT AND DRAW ALL THE ART AND EVEN MADE#QUESTIONABLE SHIT MY ACE ASS REGRETS TO THIS VERY DAY AND FOR WHAT. THEY CALLED ME A DELUSIONAL FOOL FOR IT. NOW HOW THE TURN TABLES#Y'ALL WANNA TALK ABOUT TOXIC HIMBO BOYFRIENDS YAOI????? DO NOT CITE THE DEEP MAGIC TO ME WITCH I FUCKING WROTE IT MYSELF ETC ETC.#I STILL HAVE FIVE MILLION JAMETT DRAFTS WORTH 100K WORDS AND A WHOLE JOCY AU AND I'M TEMPTED TO REVIVE THEM ALL OUT OF SPITE NGL#IT INCLUDES HURT/COMFORT ANGST HAIR FIC AND SECRET BF REBOUND JETT+REPRESSED GAY JAMES FIC AND A WHOLE JAMETT REWRITE OF BIG TIME SURPRISE#EVEN IF ALL MY OLD BTR FIC DRAFTS ARE TRAPPED IN MY BROKEN LAPTOP;;; I'LL GET MY BROTHER TO PRY IT RIGHT OUTTA THERE IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKE#ALSO IF Y'ALL WANT MORE RAREPAIRS HI KENLOS NEEDS MORE LOVE. IDC KENLOS IS FUCKING ADORABLE AND PERFECT AND IN THIS MANIFESTO I WILL#AND DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT KENDALL/JETT OR EW LOGAN/JETT GET. THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME THAT GARBAGE IS TRULY VILE WHAT'S THAT BROTHER ÆÜGGÖH#I'M NOT EVEN IN THIS FANDOM ANYMORE AND YET. AND YET!!!!!! I CAN'T LET IT SPIT IN MY FACE LIKE THIS!!!!!! MY CLOWN MAKEUP WILL MELT OFF!!!!#(this is all /lh btw. like i'm kinda mad ngl but just @ myself. i had jamett brainrot for the longest time and it corroded my frontal lobes#neway rant over lmao i hope everyone's having a lovely day out there <3 will this mark the return of this shitty blog???? idk djdjfjkxl#i been thinking about it for a bit but idk how welcome my obnoxious cringeass still is in the rusherblr space soooo#files this under: SHIT THAT GOT ME SO MAD IN DACLUB AT 4 A.M. THAT I REVIVED MY WHOLE DEAD BLOG TO SCREAM INTO THE MERCILESS VOID ABOUT IT#btr#big time rush#james diamond#jett stetson#jamett#james diamond × jett stetson#himbo boyfriends#jo taylor#lucy stone#jocy#jo taylor × lucy stone#stop it forever#it feels so weirdly nostalgic writing out those tags again ( ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ )#ps. did i spend 30mins making that gif just so i have an excuse to show off my eien ni beautiful pink-haired one truest loml on main??? NO
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the other day we had a dog come in that very clearly did not want to be alive anymore and was completely checked out of existence and wouldn't even walk we had to stretcher it in and out on a towel. anyway the owners main concern was its arthritis ? but he thought carprofen had made the dog "crazy" before....so boss took some rads and labs and said ok you can try librela if you want....coworker and i both felt he did not impress strongly enough upon this man that his dog was literally and obviously dying. so he gave the librela and then the dog died the next day. so then i was overhearing today how he had to report it to the relevant authorities as a possible librela reaction. bad timing as everyone is currently freaking out about librela killing their dogs (btw boss opinion on that is basically that it's been given to so many thousands of animals that there's bound to be such cases where correlation ≠ causation). anyway the moral of the story is please do not force your animals to die of natural causes it is almost never anything but awful.
#i do kind of feel like it was not terribly ethical of him to let that dog leave without having a serious qol discussion#the owner did not seem very concerned at all he was like oh he's getting old! and i was like ha aha yeah#happens to the best of us....your dog is begging for death by the way#he's refunding the guy the cost of the librela for what it's worth but i really don't think that had a single thing to do with it#and i doubt he does either#its labs actually weren't as bad as you might think as far as i could tell. like they weren't great but nothing was off the charts#really depressing though...these ones are some of the worst and i try not to judge people too hard for letting them go too long because#i'm sure it's unbelievably awful and i can't even think about reese getting old and dying without crying lol like there are definitely#things i judge people a lot harder for (if you are feeding raw/won't spay for no good reason/won't vaccinate youre an idiot sorry)#but it is a deeply critical responsibility we have as pet owners#i've been thinking a lot about my childhood cat who my fucking idiot mother declawed to save her stupid furniture and then when he developed#inappropriate urination issues she kicked him outside for the rest of his life and my grandma found him dead on the porch one day#it kills me that she did that even though it's not like i could have done anything#he did surprisingly live to be quite old despite that and hanging out with wild animals (which she knew of and did nothing about) i think#he was at least 15. but i wonder all the time if he died in preventable agony and of course when they're outside the list of horrible ways#to die is basically endless. ok i changed my mind this post has two other morals and they are don't declaw your cats and keep them tf inside#especially with the bird flu....i lowkey worry that i'm going to bring home bird flu and kill my cat horribly. but thats another topic#me
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I'm so fucking tired of being tired. I took a trip back in April and it feels like I just haven't recovered from it. It's been months. I want to be able to do things. I want to make art, I want to write, I want to help my partner edit a fic, I want to reach out to try to repair a friendship, I want to be able to play more than the most basic games. My little cousin is visiting for a week and a half and I'll probably only manage to spend a few days with him, and even that will be pushing it. I've been taking a couple medications for a while now to try to combat this godawful illness, but it doesn't seem like they're doing shit. I wish there was any treatment that did anything; I don't even care about getting back to full functionality at this point, I just want something. I want to feel like a person again.
#personal#otter said a thing#venting#mecfs#me/cfs#fuck this chronic illness so much#i haven't even been completely dead that often recently#but it's only been a step or two above that#enough to *want* to do things but not enough to be able to#also really considering if i need to just... write off travel as something i can do#even if i only do it once a year it's hard to consider it worth it when i lose months afterwards#okay. I'm done now#just#please science. figure out a treatment
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#I'm not fucking worth it#I'm worth absolutely nothing#i just want to be fucking dead#i can't do anything I'm so useless#I'm a huge disappointment#i want to cut so so so so so bad#i wanna cut so deep that it won't stop blessing and just fake a smile like nothing happened#im so goddamn ugly#i hate myself so much#I'm so fat i want to cut it all off and just be skinny and cute#I'm not desirable#I'm pathetic#i want to sleep and never wake up#I'll never be with anything to myself or anyone#just let me bleed i want to feel something#ill do anything to feel some happiness even if it's fake#i just want to do something right#i want to stop being a failure#please tell me it's okay to cut i can't take it anymore
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I feel like hot garbage. I'm in so much pain, my head hurts, I just feel off and wrong and I can feel the tears coming. I have 5 days before classes start and I just. I have no time. I have no time and I'm probably going to be nearly bedridden for the day.
#I'm exhausted. I am so fucking tired and worn out and my health issues feel like they're just piling up and I can't do anything about it#I'm kind of scared!!! my disabilities are just getting worse. I'm not even 30. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me#but I can't say it feels worth it between my body and my brain apparently wanting me dead.
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anyways my mom tried to justify screaming at me today with the fact that i'm "not grateful enough for everything she does" and it brought me right back to being with my ex so 👍🏻
#i guess i know where i learned to tolerate it from !#she screamed at me because i put broken down boxes in the trash and she was having a hard time getting the trash bag out of the trash#and after i went and did it (easily.) i told her that i don't think i should be being yelled at and spoken to so disrespectfully#and she immediately turned it around on me#listing everything im doing wrong and how i'm not grateful so.#she literally told me to go back into my room three times.#it's so draining having to relive it nd feel the same way#i don't understand why i'm not worth listen to or validating#i don't know why the people who love me just trample on my fucking feelings when i express them#she literally completely ignored me. JUSTIFIED yelling at me and being disrespectful#and then pointed out things im doing that she doesn't like#she had ME apologizing#why the fuck cant i catch a break please fuck#i just#why can i not be worth enough to people for unconditional love#both of my parents love and respect is conditional and it's so painful#i just. genuinely why can't people who love me just. treat me with respect#i looked at her dead in the face and was like you have a choice how you speak to me and it's not fair that when you're frustrated you#scream and insult me#but any time IM frustrated and have even the slightest tone she will hoot and holler and make me out to be the most disrespectful person#and then so she had ME apologizing and then literally said she's always apologized and ive never apologized to anyone in my life#like what the fuck is genuinely wrong with her#jester.txt
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one time my mom managed to get the link to my online cookie selling website posted onto a Twitter page of a notable trans person on tik tok who was trying to share the cookie selling sites of trans girl scouts so those who wanted to support trans girl scouts could. I still get people from that buying cookies from me every year
#there's a person that buys like $50 worth of cookies#and gets them shipped#and we've never met them and don't know what they look like#but they decided to support me and my troop all this time#and it makes me really happy that someone chooses to do that for me every year#it gives me hope that there truely are people out there that support trans kids#which i know sounds stupid but. it means a lot. especially when I'm dealing with a state that wants me fucking dead
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I’m not saying you have to write Kenan/dick, I’m just saying I’m frothing at the mouth like a rabid raccoon for Kenen content.
i plan to!! the idea is very fleshed out in my head, i just need to reread some of Kenan's comics to be sure i do right by him. bc you're *so* right, we are *starved* for good Kenan content in this fandom and it's tragic. i wanna see that boy in all the dead dove fanfic. i really hope I'll get around to writing Kenan/Dick. i could make ppl ship it if i tried hard enough. we can be rabid together about it <3
#necrotic answerings#kenan kong#kenandick#i will write this i swear#just give me like. a month.#i have so many other things god send help.#i get i'm a pre-flashpoint stan so i attract pre-flashpoint stans#but i promise y'all kenan is *so* cool he's worth reading abuot#i'm always a fan of heroes who aren't the “born with a heart of gold” cliche#like he was a dick! it's fun bc he was such an asshole#so him ending up with powers is a fun self discovery journey#and dick being too kind to kenan and getting fucked (literal) is fun to me#i jsut can't decided *how* dead dove to make it#like do i go dubcon or full noncon#so many options#otherwise the plot is fully hammered out in my head#how is kenan in less than 50 fics#and most he's a background character#none of you are inspired.#except the ppl shipping kenan/kon. that is inspired.#i also have ideas for that.
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So cool having nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to and zero friends this is awesome 👍 (this sucks someone please save me)
#all I do all day is scroll through tumblr and twitter all day#eat lunch and dinner stare at the wall or sleep#sleeping is much better than being awake tbh. I don't have to.think about how miserable my life is lol#I have no friends. at all#nobody cares about me#no one I knowcould give a fuck if I were dead or alive#I have nobody to look forward to talking to and nobody aactively wants to talk to me#or even looks forward to it#I genuinely don't think anyone even wwants to be close to me honestly#so I'm just left alone all day every day with nothing to do but think about how miserable I am and howw living isn't worth it anymore 👍
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