#work? its perfect for professionals.
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nururu · 1 year ago
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Hearing other phone heads be like "look at all my cool old unique phones! Where'd the creativity go??" literally..... iPhone..... ruined..... all of that....... there's no cool unique phones bc everyone is so dedicated to iPhone for no reason......... Android still makes unique phones... Android listens to what their consumers say..... bc they don't depend on blind devotion to keep their users happy. iPhones literally sold y'all phones that don't work after a year. Even now. Your iPhone has an experation date bc you can't delete internal meta data..... iPhone is a locked service that only performs well when interacting with other iPhones..... like....... idk man...... y'all got the worst phone and support the worst brand and then are confused on why it's bad..... It's literally: "'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party."......... c'mon....... "iPhones operating system just makes sense to me" did you know you can download an app on the Android store that turns your android into an iPhone OS? You can have the iOS you love on an android. A better phone... a better company.... you can have the system you're familiar with..... iPhone dedication is literally just for show and status. Which doesn't make sense bc androids not only look better but the good ones are more expensive than any iPhone. So if you want to look rich...... id get a Samsung Galaxy 23 ultra.
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dykedvonte · 7 days ago
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You ever just see a Mouthwashing take that makes you want to bang your head into a wall? I literally just saw someone claim Curly couldn't have been emotionally abused by Jimmy before the crash because he was in a higher position of power than Jimmy.
-Shrimp Anon
The mouthwashing fandom has shown me that people genuinely do believe that certain types of abuse are not as detrimental as other types especially when they deem those immune/resistant, ergo, believing one is objectively worse no matter how it affects the person nor the intersections of power, history and dynamics at play.
Get ready cause this is a yap session:
Cause like it's heavily implied that Curly and Jimmy's friendship was toxic and abusive, pointedly in the direction of how Jimmy uses Curly's belief/comfort in him. Curly wasn't forced to enable Jimmy but he was emotional and mentally on edge around him in almost every scene in some way. Mental and emotional abuse are not contingent on what positions you have at work. Yeah, he's Jimmy's boss but he was Jimmy's friend first and it's like getting into Psych discussion to talk about how social power tends to overshadow any perceived organizational power in the human mind. People are concerned about their jobs ofc but they tend to hang onto and put more value/investment into their personal relationships, hence why there tends to be laws and restrictions around mixing the two.
I always see the sentiments that "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" as criticisms of Curly and while I do agree that on the surface level all of these to be true and viable ways Curly could've taken more control of the situation, I often look at the parallels of Anya and Curly as victims of Jimmy pre/post crash.
The way Jimmy talks to Anya post crash is how he talked to Curly in the pre-crash segments. It's hard to pin-point mainly because we know he hates and wants nothing to do with Anya compared to his contrary but similarly handled obsessions with Curly. It's a weird sort of "honey-moon" effect of abuse Jimmy does in terms of emotional and mental victimization. He is always horrid to Anya, always talking down or questioning her abilities and thoughts in a situation, this of course includes the harassment and assault. However, he has a moment of attempted gentleness/conditioning when he question her about the mouthwash when she's contemplating drinking it at the table. The key difference is he has no personal investment in Jimmy outside wanting nothing to do with him, meaning there is no sort of romanticized version of him that he can condition her off of. He knows this, hence, why he always reverts to trying to make her to scared to oppose him.
This sort of give and take of "kindness" doesn't work on her because she knows he is just doing it to take more from her than whatever he could possibly give but it reflects even the "softer" scenes between him and Curly where he always rewords or rephrases Curly's sentiments and concerns to sound more shallow. He is feigning a deeper understanding by reworking Curly's emotions into something bad and needing to be hidden. Everything is laced with envy and resentment, an outburst just around the corner, I mean he even slams the table in the birthday party scene, a tactic in emotional manipulation to set the victim on edge and cloud their ability to respond. Even if Curly knows Jimmy won't get physical in that moment, the physical actions is intended to make him back down in the confrontation in case it does. This is something that is just not person specific. It ingrains itself into how you interact with the world and life and it shows in major and minor ways with Curly.
Post-crash, the abusive nature is more in tandem to the physical victimization Anya went through and the stripping of voice and autonomy we see take place. Like the parasite in HFIM, Jimmy speaks for Curly most of the time and puts words in his mouth, similarly to how he takes Anya's plans as his own. He very commonly, with the both of them mind you, supplements the worst aspects of himself into them; pettiness, selfishness, lack of understanding... And tries to cover himself with their best qualities; kindness, planning, initiative, etc...
These parallel are just to say that positional power has little to do with if a person can be abused and how it can even be flipped to further the abuse. There is no doubt that Curly could've picked up on Jimmy's envy of his position hence another reason he never confronted him as a Captain but as a friend as doing so would immediately put Jimmy in a space to be confrontational/combative.
I think the disdain some people have when they talk about the heavily implied if not implicitly stated emotional/mental abuse Curly experienced being Jimmy's friend is when treating it as an excuse to why he didn't do more. I can understand that completely because it is not an excuse to why he didn't do more but is a very real reason people in his position in these scenarios can experience whether in the context of a work or social environment. However, I also think the way people talk about it really does demonstrate a bigger problem when talking about abuse when somehow who is/was abused is either part of the issue or enabled it.
Harkening back to the sentiments about Curly's inaction regarding Jimmy, I think the exact phrases I used/have seen show how there is an inherent belief that it is easier to overpower the effects of emotional/mental abuse that go in tandem with the perception of Curly as someone who should be able to. There is not an age you suddenly stop being susceptible to abuse nor a set point or low where you realize how it has affected you. You don't suddenly know to stand up or put a face on to face your abuser nor admit that you inadvertently enabled them to subjugate someone else to the same treatment. Maybe it's my psych brain but their is this growing belief that direct action is somehow easy or always the best method with the game shows you instances where it is not always the case. In real life that rings true too. He should have done more, but it's not impossible to see why he struggled to find a way or didn't even if it makes us mad.
It's not easy to suddenly gain a "back-bone". You don't immediately want to resort to aggression, especially if it mirrors the type you were a victim to. You don't want to believe you allowed yourself to be treated this bad, let it get that bad or allowed something bad to happen to someone else. It is easy to be in denial, to retreat to your thoughts or make excuses to avoid the painful truth. It's frustrating but in a way we know is relatable. It why we both hate and love Curly for it. We know we'd be better, we think we'd be better, we like to think we wouldn't falter in the same ways but it's always easier to say that from the outside looking in. It's easy to see what he was doing wrong because we are seeing it, not him, but the game really does make you picture what you would do if this was your raw reality and it's why this debate about Curly seems so never ending/contradictory. We can all say what we'd do but bottom line is that's much different when you're in the moment with all the emotions and human feelings attached.
I personally think Mouthwashing tackles the themes of rape culture, enabling, toxic masculinity, types of abuse and patriarchy in ways that are meant to deconstruct the typical straightforward views we mostly have of these concepts and how little subtilities of them are just as, if not more, detrimental than the overt/obvious parts. The game deals with the idea of little details and bigger picture in a way to show that sometimes the bigger picture is not the issue but the little details that make it up. It's why I have a personal dislike of depictions of Jimmy as the typical horrible person who would of course do something like this because the game is about noticing the little warning signs, the foreshadowing and foresight.
It's why I dislike the typical discussion of "bro code" and "boys will be boys" for the game because the game makes a point to avoid the standard depictions of such. It is about the type of men who still enable despite not condoning, agreeing or even perpetuating harmful beliefs because they can't see the little details or the ways it seeps into their everyday. The severity is not obvious to them as it was not obvious to Curly, Swansea or even Daisuke the way it was to a woman like Anya. There are little details about Jimmy that should ring alarms but if you are too naive like Daisuke, too distant like Swansea or too conditioned like Curly, they are just off markers.
There is 100% more constructive/concise ways to say "Curly was a victim of Jimmy's abuse on an emotional and mental aspect that clouded his judgements and perceptions in the scenario" while also critiquing on the side of "Curly still had a responsibility to protect Anya as a crew mate and Captain that he failed to do due to biases and stigma's he failed to surpass" without the weird condemnation people give him about should've knowing better than to let himself be manipulated by a person he considered a close, if not family/best-friend and had his own reasons to trust initially. Also stop being weird about victims of abuse in general with this fandom, like sorry not everyone has a like social epiphany the moment someone's nasty to them. People are treating it like you immediately know when you are in a toxic relationship immediately or comprehend when a person is actively dangerous and either it's your fault for not knowing how to leave/cut them off or you deserve it. Like the hypocrisy of people believing how certain fans treat the story reflect their irl views but not their own is crazy.
End statement is: I honestly don't even know man, I've been writing this too long and just like no man on that ship was perfect or really helped Anya when it mattered and I feel like pitting them against each other in discussion on who did the least or most or how it was justified sucks cause in the end Anya always did the most and best thing for herself.
#i also think it is because mouthwashing is first and foremost a game about rape culture and the patriarchy especially in work spaces#regarding women and centering conversation around Curly a man rubs people wrong because it does overshadow that commentary#but it still mixes other topics into its initial theming and message on how abuse conditions you to accept certain things that are harmful#and how getting used to a culture/enviornment does not mean you are happy healthy or most importantly safe in it. I personally like to#explore those aspects where it mixes all the themes so we can discuss the ways you have to watch out for things because there is a differen#in the idea Curly enabled Jimmy just because they were bros and because he was an example of another man afraid to step out from what#is a still oppressive system that does try to punish those who act against it even if they fall in the category of those who would benefit#from it as Jimmy and PE 100% represent that sort of misogynistic system where men that would be “good” are altered until they follow line#in a way both on the personal and professional level as PE is the corporate lock out and Jimmy represents the social and its just the issue#that the discussion of it sounds like “in defense of men” when I am more so trying to discuss how it is much deeper than men being scared t#upset other men but complacency is rewarded by not becoming another person subjugated hence as all the moments Curly does try to do#something we can tie it back to how Jimmy reacts and a possible penality from PE where we now need to address the ways to combat those#two concepts so we dont get cases like Curly or Daisuke or Swansea where male avoidance of the issue is considered neutral or even good.#i think most of this boils down the perfect victim mentality to where if someone who underwent or is being abused is not a perfect example#or accpetible type than their abuse can not be considered a valid or substantial reason for effects on their behavior compounded with the#fact that Anya's abuse at the hands of Jimmy is a systematic issue that Curly is a part of even if unwillingly and was more physically#violating and topical cause sometimes i have to remind myself that all media is still critiqued through the lens of the culture it came out#in cause i do think about what if this game came out inlike 2014 like the conversations would be sooooooo different could you imagine it?#but back the before statement Curly isn't perfect but I feel like boiling it down if hes a good person or man is not the point of the game#but more so good people can still be part of the problem and the idea of condemning a person for one act creates a false sense of#rightouesness and justice that does not aid the victim and in fact aids the abusers in escaping blame for their mulitple behaviors as we se#how the men on the ship tend to blame Jimmy for just one act against them including himself while there is a plethora of things Anya is#concerned about with Jimmy#and its not that Curly just made one mistake with Jimmy but more so we consider his actions more damning because he didn't stop Jimmy#instead of focusing on the fact Jimmy did what he did regardless of Curly and the consequence because we already know he's bad n maladjuste#which is problem in the conversation where the individuals are blamed but the system and perputrator are overlooked in a sense of acceptiab#complacency as we know how they are and the lack of tangibility to personally affect them on a larger scale like I should just make a post#on like cutting out the face when it comes it confronting systems of oppression rather than tag talking but just ask me to clarify if#you want that like im jus trying to say we avoid talking about Jimmy and PE so much cause it is obvious what they do wrong that we make#the initial and inherent problem out to be one aspect someone in this case Curly does and the the constraints they use to force actions
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sluckythewizard · 3 months ago
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PART OF A BIGGER DOODLE PAGE. WHEN ITS DONE ILL TUCK THE LINK INTO THIS LITTLE X RIGHT HERE ----> [X] I REALLY REALLY LOVE THE TOM N JERRY DYNAMIC W EMIZEL N VEX. IMAGINE BEING SO SO HAUNTED BY A LITTLE GUY THATS JUST SSSSOO FUCKING ANNOYING.
#CW GORE#HEHEEH WEEEEEE I LOVE THEEMEMM#VEX JUST HATES EMIZEL SO SO SO MUCH AND I LOOOOVE IT. EVEN WHEN WORKING TOGETHER EMIZEL JUST FINDS THE PERFECT WAY TO#GET UNDER THIS DUDES SKIN. A VAMPIRE WHOS BEEN AROUND A LONG LONG TIME.#A VAMPIRE WHOSE COMMITTED COUNTLESS ATROCITIES AND SEEN MANY MANY TERRIBLE THINGS W A SMILE ON HIS FACE#HES A PROFESSIONAL!! HES AN ARTIST! HES A GROWN MAN THAT CAN HANDLE A LITTLE MISTAKE HERE N THERE!!#BUT THEN THIS LITTLE FUCKIN. WEIRDO. W ITS ILLUSIONS. AND TRICKERY. AND STRANGENESS. AND EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS SO SO STUPID#HES WACKY. EVERYTHING HE SAYS MAKES NO SENSE AND YET. AND YET. HE HAS FOILED EVERY PLAN. CAUGHT YOU OFF EVERY GUARD#HE'S MADE YOU PARANOID!!! CAMERAS EVERYWHERE. WE CANT LET HIM GET THROUGH OUR DEFENSES. LEST HE FUCKS UP MORE SHIT#HES JUST A REGULAR BABY VAMPIRE. THERES NOTHING INSIDE OF HIM THAT GIVES ANY CLUE OF HIS STRANGE MAGICAL ABILITIES. SO WHAT THE FUCK??#HES LITERALLY A MOUSE. MAKING YOU SHRIEK EVERYTIME HE SKITTERS ACROSS THE CORNER OF THE ROOM W HIS AWFUL LITTLE PITTER PATTERING. FUCK!!#HES SO SMALL AND SO AVERAGE AND SO SO STUPID AND YET. AND YET HE HAS UNRAVELED EEEVERYTHING AND TOOK DOWN THE STRONGEST VAMP YOU KNOW#SO WHAT THE FUCK????#I LOVE IT WHEN A SCARY VILLANOUS CHARACTER IS REDUCED TO SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS THE PROTAGONIST TO LEAVE THEM ALOOONE. TO GO AWAYYY. PLEASE#HEHEHE WEEE ILL POST THE FULL DOODLE PAGE LAT3RRRR I GOTTA FUCKIN UHHH FIGURE OUT WHEN IM CATCHING THIS STUPID GAY BUS#I ALSO NEED TO FIGURE OUT HHOW MUCH ALCAHOL IM WILLIN TA DRINK B4 I GO HOME. I HOPE YALL ENJOY THIS ONE. I LOVE U GUYS
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moonlume · 10 months ago
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tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything
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rainc0at · 3 months ago
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brassic questions im haunted by: what the fuck was the wanking contest? why the FUCK do these "professional thieves" never silence their phones when they're robbing? why does dylan continue to take class a's?
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imflyingfish · 4 months ago
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Fish you are so good at building to me your the Bdubs of people I know
Pheo ;w; ty
#its odd because i generally dislike being compared to hermitcraft members#specifically when its from people who dont know me#because a lot of the time when youre being constantly compared to professional builders it can feel almost shallow as a compliment#because when random people do it theyre looking at your work and turning it into the work of another person#when its a stranger its less about what ive created and more about this other person who i may not even know#but the fact that youve been my friend and mutual for so long changes this#and also the fact that you chose bdubs as your specific link means so much to me#because hes where i get the majority of my technique and ethic from#so the compliment feels deeper#if you had said grian i probably wouldnt have been the same#partially because im pretentious as hell when it comes to him and the fact that he isnt where i draw inspiration from#and the fact that tou specified 'of the people i know' also means a lot to me#because its not putting me on any relative level compared to bdubs its just stating that my style is a sucessful reflection of sorts to his#though obv with his many years and age and technique he can build circles around me#thas not the point#on the other hand of the comparing to hc memebers thing i understand it completely#most people who see my work are very likely ti be in that fandom#and their first impression is often 'hey! this thing reminds me of other thing that i enjoy! it makes me happy!'#which is great but not really the intended purpose of the build you know#im not making it to be like other people im making it for me and to realise my creativity or whatever#i do get annoyed when people compare my jokes or my actions to youtubers though#like no sometimes things happen with unique circumstances and unique jokes#anyway not important at all#um basically pheo; thank you for this compliment it means a lot to me#i just also happen to have spent time exploring my opinions on compliments like this and how i like to be seen as an artist and this#happens to be the perfect example#and the compliment wouldnt have been as meaningful if it was coming from someone other than you#i probably looked way too deep into this but it gave me time to appreciate it#pheostag#fishasks
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alsaurus-loves-dean · 6 months ago
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#not sure if i talked about this here yet but I'm a recovering nail/cuticle biter#and last fall i started getting gel manicures to incentivize me to stop so i wouldnt be wasting my money lol#and it WORKED. because i got really really into nail and cuticle care#so now my nails are grown out and my nail beds have completely reattached#i have normal nails now and you could never tell i used to demolish them#i spent my ENTIRE LIFE with stubby little bitten nails and gross ripped up dried cuticles#and now i have BEAUTIFUL natural nails#except for the damage i accumulated from the gel removal over seven months lolllllll#so recently i stopped getting gel and i switched to regular lacquer#at first i was still going in to my nail tech but then i started taking the polish off in between appointments and practicing on my own#and in just a couple weeks i was good enough that i just stopped going in!#i just do my own nails now!!!#it takes me four hours to do it right lmao but its worth it because it's been a week and they're still perfect#only one tiny chip and NO LIFTING#im gonna take it off and redo it with a new color today because I'm bored of this color#but i could probably keep wearing this for another week and it'd hold up#I can't take all the credit because I'm using the Dazzle Dry system and just switching out the color with ILNP lol#Dazzle Dry is another fucking level omg#but anyway. I'm proud of myself#my nails look just as good as when i was getting them done professionally 😭#i am NOT a girly girl i don't wear makeup or shave a single part of my body#i get my hair cut specifically in a way that requires minimal styling#so the nail obsession isn't something anyone would have expected from me...#and yet my nails are always immaculate nowadays 💅
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boypussydilf · 1 year ago
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i realized with horror that my f&c finale rewrite would be like, genuinely my most ambitious creative project to date. i have been writing for my entire life and i have at least 1 big original story i plan to make real eventually but this is the most complex thing i have actually attempted to make so far. i am trying so so hard to make myself see this as “Haha cool, it’s like fun casual practice for when i take on bigger projects in the future!!” and not “oh god i have to make this So Good so i can Prove that im Good At This”
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miodiodavinci · 2 years ago
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thinking about the fact that "there's always a better UTAU and anything you can do and have done has probably been done leagues better by someone else with a better set up, better mic, more practice, better pronunciation, etc..." is a statement that would have once inspired such frustration and agony and desire to quit in me, but nowadays just has me like
phew ! ! ! thank god ! ! ! ! ! w
which is such a switch-up but honestly probably illustrates one of the biggest differences between pre-UTAU hiatus me and post-UTAU hiatus me w
#that and the fact that current me doesn't feel the need to hide their love of the community behind 6 layers of sass and contrarian nonsense#like my god i was sooo afraid of being cringe that i went out of my way to make crevan like That™#(spoilers: that ended up being cringe in its own right but i forgive myself for that ksjhdfglkj)#but back to the original point#i just keep thinking about the number of times i've seen people in the comments of UTAU release videos get indignant#and express such frustration and disappointment and vitriol towards the creator for not making a perfect library#and it's just like#my guy#libraries like kohaku merry are right there#you have gekiyaku and all the other super expressive multipitch VCVs with ten million appends#why are you acting so entitled over what is essentially someone's hobby OC#unless explicitly marketed as such#UTAU libraries are not a product#they're a neat little labor of hobbyist love that people don't even need to share but choose to because that's part of the fun#because so much of UTAU is all about finding the VBs you like and using them to make your own works ! ! !#there's literally an endless supply so if you don't like one you can just#move on#like i just don't get it#not every UTAU has to be this perfect end-all professional product ala kasane teto or all the other big name libraries#the whole charm is that they are a silly little indie thing#and i just straight up don't understand why someone would rather get huffy over a personal library than move on
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sanstropfremir · 2 years ago
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This is going to be such a weird and long ask, but what do you think of Michael Jackson as a dancer? I knew he was a great performer, but I was really surprised that he was crowned as one of the best dancers by Fred Astaire, despite the fact that Jackson was not a professionally trained dancer. For context, before stumbling on your blog (which I'm very grateful for between) I always thought that, usually, main dancers in a kpop group were on the same level as professional dancers, so when you explained the real gap, it made me think of how we view performers like Beyonce and Michael Jackson as some of the best dancers, but I don't know whether these comparisons are made with only other singers in mind, or if they really are considered among the best dancer, including professional dancers. Your thoughts?
oh no michael jackson was the real fucking deal. his body control was insane he is legit one of the greatest dancers of all time. it's also important to remember that michael jackson was a street dancer, which was a form that was quite literally growing with him. of course he wasn't professionally trained as a dancer; at what school?? nowadays we have dancers who are professionally trained in hiphop, popping, locking, and other types of street dance, but as a form, these genres are probably only about 50-60ish years old; tony gogo (who worked WITH mj) is still alive and occasionally working. michael jackson was a HUGE part of the reason why schools for street dance even exist at all, bc he was the one who made the form popular. he's the blueprint for the pop star, the reason why we even HAVE kpop in the first place. the thing about the performing arts is that because there are so many aspects of it, you're almost always going to find someone who has better technique in some way; yes there are better dancers than michael jackson now, just as there are better singers, better musicians, etc etc etc. but art isn't about technique, it's about what you DO with that technique, what you make with it, and how influential you become. when someone is recognized as being the 'best', it's always a combination of skill, artistic ability, and influence, and that's something that other artists will always acknowledge.
#especially when you get into the field of pop performance influence is a HUGE part of legacy#i feel like ppl are only familiar with mj's music videos and like.....his dance breaks during live performances are soooo#like go watch the dangerous live at wetten dass 1995 perf that shit is wild (and i think you will find looks very familiar *cough taemin*)#non kpop questions#like mj was for sure an actually talented dancer but there's always going to be a difference between him and like. idk.#someone who only dances a specific genre and does nothing else.#like probably most popping dancers that compete/battle are ''better'' than mj. but that's a flawed metric to judge on#bc theyre not doing the same thing#its like boa. is she a very talented dancer? absolutely. is she the best? no of course not. but professionals will still cite her influence#text#answers#and rain. and taemin. all talented all considered the best in their fields all cited influences#but you will ALWAYS find someone who is better#there's def like a preoccupation with technique that happens in arts fields bc ppl try to make the comparison with other non arts fields#like in a science-based field having perfect technique IS how you are the best#like the best surgeon is the one who does things textbook perfect right? you wouldnt want a surgeon who plays fast and loose with rules#but you can't carry that same logic into art. it doesnt work like that#and its not really something that i blame people for assuming bc not everyone is an artist#but it is an important thing that more ppl should be aware of
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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#i say goodbye to my boss tomorrow#not like officially officially bc im still employed into August so we have meetings#and hopefully we'll collaborate in future on projects and i have papers to write with her still#but like this is the last time ill physically see her bc shes not coming back until August and ill b gone by then#so its like. sad. bc shes my science mum. today she was complaining abt some stupid politics stuff#that went on this week in the department and she was like i kno i should b more professional but i feel like since ur leaving now#were more colleagues and friends. and im like 😭 god dammit ur gonna make me fucking cry#i came this this school to work with u and u were so great. i was so lucky to have ended up in her lab#bc i didnt kno wtf i was doing and shes not perfect but i learned a lot from her and ill b really sad to not b working with her so much#but thats how it goes. ill have to make her something cool as a parting gift#god. thatll b a fucking pain but she deserves something that takes a lot of effort#were meeting tomorrow to go over a protocol but im not sure if that's actually what were doing or if theres a surprise involved#bc she likes to do that and it stresses me the fuck out. she's been wanting to get me ice cream for the last 2 months so that might actually#b what's happening. or both could b happening. ugh. anyway. just me crying abt how im gonna miss my boss who im literally seeing tomorrow#im gonna have to giver her a painfully earnest letter abt how great she is and apologize for kinda having a breakdown#i mean i wasnt totally nonfunctional but like. it was not good and im sure i kinda sucked to b around#but whatever. god. the move it finally on the horizon. it finally feels like its getting real#unrelated
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bmpmp3 · 2 years ago
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lia time. lia time. she loves her lasers
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nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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troubadour-malin · 2 years ago
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vent in the tags!
#so i have a few original stories on wattpad#one dates back to 2019#it's the first piece of writing that I've ever completed and while it obviously has its flaws i'm very fond and proud of it#it gets a lot of reads and someone started reading it and leaving comments this week#and i'm always grateful for readers and comments but like#at first the person seemed to enjoy it#and then they started to complain about the length of the chapters#and fair enough I get that 100 words is pretty much very short for a chapter#this is a short story and I made it to feel like 'fragments' of thoughts and story#and honestly the length of the chapters is one of the things that got me to complete it eventually#but alright. This reader doesn't like that it's so short. I'm not upset about that it's a perfectly valid point to make.#and ok even if i didn't ask for it i guess that counts as constructive criticism so i get where they were coming from#but then they kept on commenting about how it was 'ruining' the story and how 'unpleasant' it was#and that what is bugging me right now because like... i put my work out on the internet for free#and while you have every right not to like it#it's hurtful to read that what you poured your soul into is 'unpleasant' to read..... i get that not everybody is gonna like what i do but#i just can't understand why they didn't just... stop reading instead of pushing and commenting some more about the same thing.#I know i'm upset over a really small thing and ultimately as long as I'm happy with my own work it's all that matters#obviously i'm no professional writer and criticism could help me get better but I find this kind of 'criticism' especially unhelpful#I wrote this back when I was sixteen and it's for free on wattpad so obviously it's not gonna be perfect or even good#I made this for myself first and then decided to share it with other people so why do they act like i'm responsible for 'ruining' the story#HOW COULD I POSSIBLY RUIN A STORY THAT I WROTE MYSELF what the hell#I don't even know what I'm trying to say actually#I'm just upset about this and how rude some people on the internet can get without even realizing#anyways if you read all this i hope you're having an amazing week#so' speaks
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pankomako · 9 months ago
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hey i wonder if AI could generate 3D models from 2D character turnarounds. would that be neat or what
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shizdrone · 10 months ago
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realised that as all of my irl friends fear me in tabletop games. even after all of this time, i am still successfully following in shizune's footsteps. next comes getting them into risk. australia will be mine
#blue flavoured ramblings#yeah let's go with that tag name for irl shit#i'd tag shizune's source material but it's all in all an awkward scenario. game still holds a special place for me but it seems people who#still hold onto it tend to be a bit... dodgy. it hasn't even aged that badly despite everything being stacked against it!#the worst it has is that kenji no longer reads as an extreme parody of a certain type of person#and is now just an actually accurate portrayal#which if you view this from a modern lens instantly turns him from a funny comic relief#into an actually creepy and dangerous character. unfortunate!#you'd think the meat and potatoes of the game would be what aged the worst given the game's subject matter and origins but#somehow that's aged really damn well. i haven't revisited it in ages but i did read some retrospectives from relevant professionals around#the 10 year anniversary and there was a lot of serious praise thrown. not perfect by any means with a decent amount of pretty important#slipups but WAY ahead of its time.#(shizune is arguably one of those slipups unfortunately)#sucks because it's a big part of what got me into a lot of my current interests (pre-diagnosis) but it's also dodgy as fuck to say#it was your starting point. hopefully the other work i've done would make it clear i'm a Trustworthy Human Being should anybody dig shit up#anyway#weird to think shizune still holds a place of personal importance to me but it makes sense#character who is unquestionably a bad person but is doing their very best to be a good person in spite of it?#character who struggles with communication and simultaneously sees all the hurt they bring while being just as blind to it?#character who wants to lift others up but can only do so indirectly because direct action merely pushes people down?#YUM YUM EATING IT UP#IT'S A TWISTED MIRROR REFLECTION STARING BACK AT ME BUT YUM YUM#at one point i was heavily into the headcanon that she could have a diagnosis like me because so many of her flaws resonated with me in a#deeply personal way. since let go of that because there are meaningful differences and while shizune's story is a familiar one of#being alone in a room full of people it is a much more deaf-specific one that doesn't match with me perfectly and the same goes for their#personality. she still helped lay down the seeds for me to understand myself given i got into it around a year before i got my diagnosis#so i think no matter what i'm stuck with her in my memory now. the least popular character in a super awkward game to like for my interests#awesome!!!!!!#raindrops and puddles#that's the tag name i'm using for this game btw
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