#wont really be able to start on these till like monday

[mcrcki]

well, that sure was a scream of a time !! but now that the vampiric dust has settled, and the ten hour loop of the monster mash has been switched to ‘closing time’ i think it’s about right to get a post event plotting / starter call going !! like always, my rules are super simple : like for a plotting dm !! and then SPECIFY characters for the starters or like deadass i will not write it! the cap is four per writer !! i just wanna make sure i get to write with everyone!! 

** please note that i am more than happy to keep event threads, transition them or write them out for a little bit longer before switching them over! or just start something new!! i lowkey don’t remember all of the threads that i had pre event since i cleared those out before we started, so if you wanna drop something feel free, i will decide as i see each one posted what the vibe is !!! 

but y’all know the drill , below is too much information and me thinking i’ve got jokes about each of my babes after the halloween masquerade massacre!

daniela dimitrescu || resident evil : village  - ( 0 / 5 )

she/they pronouns. daniela’s review : “best party i’ve been to in so long, but your monsters could have been more durable. 4 out of 5 stars. will be back to steal the white house as my own home.” literally had such a blast and is more than a little bummed when the doors finally unlocked. will be vibing, looking for more victims, maybe find a girlfriend, who knows.

please let them flirt with you, they might leave you alive if you do :)

leia organa || star wars - ( 1 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. WORST. BIRTHDAY. EVER. and also the biggest flop of a honeymoon to date. baby girl is down bad now, if y’all thought she was all in in the sith before, it’s 10x worse now after what happened with han. any conversation with her rn?? doomed to fail. she will be inconsolably furious. i am so sorry for the somehow more rancid vibes from coming from the oval office.

han solo

marlene mckinnon || harry potter : marauders era ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. alright, she’s not afraid to say it. the white house should be barred from ever throwing parties again. this is what?? the third time something like this has happened?? absolutely never again. free drinks at mckinnon’s for anyone who went to this thing. the bar is open and marlene is gonna be going back to normal life with her now complete again friend group and pretending she’s not gonna fight every death eater she sees, but absolutely will be doing that.

free starter?? free shots. respond below

omega archeron || star wars : the bad batch ( 1 / 5 )

she/they pronouns. omega’s down !! bad !! you thought they were a mess after this whole messy breakup / acting out bc of their brothers hiding their genetic identity??? just wait till you see them after watching hunter die !!!! and being completely helpless to stop it!!!!! welcome to omega’s self destruct era, who wants to be a terrible influence for her!

sion val palpatine

pj halliwell || charmed ‘98 - ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. unlike the rest of my girls, lowkey ?? kinda thriving. like okay, yes, is she very stressed about the memory status of her family? sure, who wouldn’t be. but she’s got her whitelighter, she’s at least got almost all of her family here??? she actually made it out of this alive and is gonna be doubling down on training. also, got some of those venders numbers before everything went to shit. throwing a “we survived” party, who’s coming!

respond for a clown behavior starter

rowena ravenclaw || harry potter : founders era ( 2 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. not doing great, not doing terrible. will be doing everything she can to throw herself into her work, and to figure out what the hell is going on with the memory magic in this city. if anyone wants to listen to some pepe silva level rants about theories, she will talk your ear off for hours. maybe someone please drag her out so she stops sitting in her office for sixteen hours straight.

orpheus

hunter

sella palpatine || star wars ( 1 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. hey thanks for checking in ! WE’RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME. literally please can someone put her family in a fucking fortress or something, she is so tired of seeing the people she loves get hurt. will be attempting to convince her brother she deserves a weapon of some kind. gonna start self defense training or something. if someone wants to help sella learn to fight, hmu

sion val palpatine

sophie hatter || howl’s moving castle ( 4 / 5 )

she/they pronouns. freshly unaware babey 😇 sophie is a little thrown off, is very self conscious of the neck scar they got as a child that has definitely always been there. still running the flower shop, but more hands off, as their main passion is in fashion designing, and uses the flower shop to showcase their designs. aware sophie was more controlled and composed. unaware sophie, very unapologetic in their bluntness. why keep your mouth shut when something annoys you smh.

xie lian

howl jenkins pendragon

prince justin

chihiro ogino

tatum riley || scream ‘96 ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. this hangover kinda sucks, but at least she made it out alive. will be changing her instagram bio to ‘final girl’ and clinging to that. she actually made it out. that’s what matters. she’s got more family here, and is sort of just looking for something chill. but it has solidified that yeah, she hates halloween and masks. anyone wanna go decorate for christmas already??

new final girl unlocked, let her brag to you!!

victoria sutherland || twilight ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns. pretty fun night, even if she spent most of it absolutely glued to james. she has her mate back and man she’s about to be even more insufferable. still very much looking for some snacks on her way out, or just any casual bites throughout the month. we’re vibing, we’re having fun. we’re fresh, flirty, and thriving. 

who’s looking for a nice bite ;)

[fallingoverharrypotter]

Last right off Diagon

Inspired by prompt Curiosity for @drarrymicrofic , and written for a laugh.

It's an ugly little hole in the wall, Draco thinks. Peeling paint, done the muggle way, and dirty windows that probably wouldn't let in the mere amounts of light that this area of Diagon is privy to. Especially with the amount of crap blocking Dracos view inside.

So he can't see the proprietor. He can't see whether theres anyone else inside. Shit. He wants to turn back, give up. Take the bag hanging at his side and toss it into the Thames right fucking now.

He's hyperventilating. He can't believe he's actually standing in front of this stupid store with a bag filled with. Curios. And he's actually hyperventilating.

"Um-"

And Draco jerks, hard, right into the window.

His nose stings, and he can feel the beginnings of blood dripping atop his cupid's bow and down his chin. He's not hyperventilating now: thank Merlin for small mercy's. He turns to direct his swearing at the person who startled a man in the middle of a panic attack, blood flooding down his face, and sees a wand directed right at his nose.

Draco, ex-convict, is unfortunately used to this reaction to his presence. He doesn't waste his precious sanity on worrying about it anymore, but at this point he's feeling a little fragile all in all. So when his panic attack picks right up from where it started, and his head starts to get a little woozy from the lack of oxygen and the continued expelling of blood from his nostrils, he doesn't blame himself much.

"Fuck- fuck, Sir I'm really sorry. Let me. Can I just fix- oh. Wait," and then there's a hand on Dracos shoulder, and the picture in front of his face clears a little now that theres an anchoring to his woozy drifting: he sees a young man, bright pink hair, yellow amber eyes, and looking scared to shit. Alarm bells ring momentarily, before the kid says: "... Mr. Malfoy?"

And of course that's the Black nose. Draco's nose. And this is Aunt Andromeda's ward - grandkid - the metamorph. And that's still 12 inches of Cherry directed right at his bleeding nose, and Draco has a split second out of body experience where he remembers that time he broke this kid's godfathers' nose when he was about the same age.

"I'm Teddy... Lupin. Um. Andromeda Tonks' grandson? Can I episky your nose? It looks pretty bad."

Draco must shrug in acceptance, because the next second the kid applies what seems like quite an expert episky charm right at the break, plugging the flow of blood. A modified scourgify collects all the blood from Dracos face and his clothes too, and now he looks just as he'd intended. Patrician and handsome, collected and unbothered. No blood. No panic attack in sight any longer, like it was siphoned away too.

Draco still hasnt said a word since he stopped muttering foul language at the sight of the wand. This 17 year old seems too quietly confident to be even the requisite amount of mad required for a Black. As Draco thought though, the nose is right, and the chin. It makes him... kind of fond for the kid he hasn't seen since he was 5. Especially when Teddy is looking up at him like hes worried beyond belief for a silent man in the middle of Diagon who's a bit too fragile for his own good.

"Ted?" Comes a call in a hauntingly familiar voice, then. Teddy turns towards it, the figure walking out of the door of the dirty old antiques shop, and Draco can't do anything but twitch a little when the bag on his shoulder looses whatever traction it kept, and goes clattering to the cobbles beneath his feet. The clang of burnished silver goblets, Lucius Malfoys old wizarding table clock, and whatever else Draco was able to scrounge up from the Manor to justify this trip to seeing Harry after 10 years away - after 10 years of running from the inevitable - that clang echoes like it's heralding Draco's imminent demise.

When Harry's eyes meet Dracos, all 3 meters of space and a 17 year old kid between them, Draco feels like hes 24 again. When Harry's eyes go wide with shock, that must be 20. When his eyes narrow, then that's 18 (post trial). And then when Harry pulls his wand and points it at Draco, well, that's years 11 all the way through to 17.

A levitation charm, and Dracos bag settles back on his shoulder. Teddy mumbles something about getting back to the till, and goes rushing back through the door his godfather is still kind of blocking. Harry has to walk forward - towards Draco - to let the kid around him, and then they're only 2 and a half meters away from each other.

Which shortens to 1 meter when Harry crosses the distance. "What you got there?"

Draco's a little stumped. Has been for far too long now, so he has to fake some courage. "Curios."

"Right," says Harry, eyebrows pushed under his fringe. "Ten years, inconsistent letters, and you turn up at my shop to bring me-" incredulousness "-curios?"

"You've named the shop Curiosity's Curios, Harry. You can't blame me for trying to adhere to tradition."

Harry scoffs. "Leave off. No smoke screens, please. From what I've heard you're out of Level 9 - don't bring it here."

Draco deflates. He has a moment to think about whether this is going to help matters or make them worse. But he does know that it'll make Harry laugh.

He drops the bag on purpose this time, clanging echoing once again. And then his knees follow, until hes folded up in front of Harry on the cobbles at the far end of Diagon Alley.

"Harry James Potter."

"Good god, Draco."

"I hereby apologize for that time when I stomped on your nose on the Train that one time and covered you with your stupid invisibility cloak, and then wished you dead when you still turned back up at dinner later that night."

"Come on, get up. Just because theres no one here now doesnt mean someone wont turn up and see you debasing yourself on the street."

"Dont interrupt, or I'll sonorous myself."

"Merlins sake, then hurry it up."

"Harry, honestly, you're an idiot if you think people are wandering all the way down here to buy dirty old antiques at lunch time on a Monday. We are well and truly alone."

"This is the weirdest grovelling I've ever heard."

"I've seen the error of my ways. Truly. Your godson all but pushed my head into your dirty glass windows and broke my nose. It's almost poetic, really."

And that got it, because Harry laughs. Loud and booming, echoing across the cobbles and the stone walls. "And you think he has no Black madness!"

"He doesn't," Draco counters, rising up on his knees. "What he does have is the strange Potter-nurtured ability to turn up when is most inconvenient!"

"Well," and Harry leans over so that his face is closer to Draco's. "Someone should have thought about the severe consequences of letting the last Black stew amongst the riffraff when he went off undercover for 10 years, shouldn't they have."

Draco sighs mournfully. "And I see you've protested my absence admirably by refusing to clean your shop windows for a decade. Truly, Harry, I admire your dedication to the cause."

"Oh!" Exclaims Harry, reaching out a hand to touch Draco's nose. "That's why theres this grime all over your face-"

"Oh god stop!" And Draco flicks his wrist with a quick scourgify of his own to get at- "Don't mess with me like that, Harry."

Draco is pouting and Harry is laughing again.

Draco gets up eventually, with Harry's hand in his own helping him. They walk into Harry's shop, and they settle down so that Draco can write a few letters of greeting to his loved ones. Hes sure that within the hour the stacks of cups and saucers and clocks and trinkets and curios that Harry has been collecting for years will be shuddering at the force of the howlers that'll just force their way through the wards Draco could put up, so he doesnt bother with them. Will let them come. His feet are resting in Harry's lap, and Harry has a firm grip around an ankle. Teddy is looking back at them from the till in confusion and boredom, annoyed that his sly questioning glances haven't brought forth any answers.

Harry and Draco are both 34 year old men who have been very content for the last 10 years to just accept whatever is happening. The last owl flies off announcing Draco's return to the surface, and then Harry is pushing off from his chair and announcing that if Draco really is going to be sticking around, he better make himself useful. Draco counters by saying that his nose has only just been broken, and he can feel the remnants of his panic attack in the depths of his bones. Harry laughs loudly, and Teddy seems to snort - without remorse - but all the same Draco hops up and makes three cups of tea. Makes himself useful.

[medical-gal]

Death by a thousand cuts

I have been thinking about writing this for months now. Even before I decided to quit the residency at my previous job.

COVID has been kicking our ass, true, but that was (is) true for most healthcare providers all around the world.

No, my struggle started a bit before that actually.

First some background, I have been working at one of the biggest most famous ID clinics in central Europe. The clinic is in a different country than I am originally from so there was a bit of cultural accommodating at the begging. But we were a big group of ID interns/residents/fellows and specialists.

I don't actually remember that much from my first year working there. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I read in some study that when u experience a high dose of stress and/or sleep deprivation for a long time, your brain kinda stopps being able to transcribe short term memory into a long term.

I was working 100hours/week, sometimes less, sometimes more. After a year and a half, when the last half I worked in the ID ER for five months, I always stayed after working 24 hours, sometimes over 36hours, and I would see and treat 70ish patients. Nobody from the older docs would help me out, nobody from other interns either bc usually they would have their own kind of hell to take care of.

The fact that basically, inexperienced doctors are taking care of patients never really phased my ex-boss. Her mantra was that if there was a problem that you cannot resolve, you can call her and she would advise you. Which most of the time was true, I must say that.

But we all have been young docs, barely out of our medical school garments, and sometimes as it happened, we could not recognize there IS a problem that maybe needs a more experienced opinion.

I am often confronted with this idea or more like a culture, of pretending that once you are an MD you don't need help and asking for it is a kind of weakness and that then you are forever on the list of WEAKLINGS.

And let me say this only once.

That's absolute bullshit.

Anyway, the first time I decided to quit I worked there for about a year and a half, I went for a long-expected holiday, I took three weeks off, had interviews and talked with my bf about my options.

Second thing...my man, bless his beard, would support me no matter what. He is almost 10 years older than me, so he has more work experience and I find it reassuring to discuss stuff like this with him bc I know he will not sugarcoat it. He said that I should dig my heels in and last at least one more year till the end of my "internship". As a "resident" who worked at this specific department, I wouldn't have a problem finding another job. We r basically the equivalent of a french legion of medical professionals (when u work in this specific department and everyone knows it, I will come back to that later).

So I took his advice. Thankfully as a part of our training, one of those parts is a year-long internship at the internal medicine department, which I did shortly after we had that conversation and guys, that was a revelation of how medicine and just...work and life can be experienced. There were enough docs for a floor, an attending who had the time to manage and advise us. I´ve grown that year as a doc so much. Other internships were mandatory so I could have become (equivalent of) a resident, and it was a general surgery, anesthesiology, radiology, microbiology etc. But I did them all and became a resident.

The moment I came back to our clinic, my boss would put me in our outpatient department. Which I have never worked on before. The head of the department has quit a few months before, and I had no idea what to do there, bc it's a very different type work. The only thing my boss told me when I spoke of my concerns were "you will learn".

Thankfully the previous head of the department was a good friend of mine and she would always answer my questions and requests. Suddenly I no longer had to deal with the hectic life of an ID floor or ER, no sepsis, meningitis, etc.

Most of my patients were the chronic type...Lyme, chlamydia, mycoplasma... let's say it literally drained the life out of me. But I managed. Also, I started to work for their outpatient office which takes care of patients with chronic hepatatis. That I enjoyed more.

I also started to dip my toes in vaccinology, either planned like for travel but I started to be more interested in preventive care in the immunocompromised and my own phantasmagoria was to make a palliative care team in our hospital. Bc, we had none. And then a wonderful thing happened, other docs, older experienced, great at their work, started to refer their patients to me specifically.

There were more examples of the utter a complete FUCK U(s) which were kindly provided either by the system or by the head of the department or the hospital.

Then covid hit and the shit hit the interstellar space.

I still can't make myself remember the first few months bc it actually causes me to go into a rage fit, and honestly, I am done with that kind of negativity.

I hold out for a year. Year of such shitty treatment from the chief and our hospital head. No thank you- s or you are doing a good job or we r all on the same ship.

No.

People will say that I quit bc of the money. And that's not true, tho it did irk me a bit. All the other ID specialists working at different hospitals would get covid bonuses every month. We got jack shit. Again, the best biggest most know ID clinic. We were the first and oftern the ONLY ones who would test for/diagnose/hospitalize/treat a patient who had covid FOR MONTHS in the beginning.

I mean, the medical community is small, the ID community even smaller so yes, we were able to compare and contrast the work at different ID departments in other hospitals bc our friends worked there. And all of them would go speechless when they would hear from us what we were living thru.

At one point at the beginning of the pandemic, ALL the ambulances would go thru our ER department and we were supposed to decide where the patient should go.

AN EXAMPLE

Ambulance with a woman who has known colon cancer, had a fever, stomach as a rock and is projectile vomiting. I was supposed to decide where she should go and the surgeon would be super pissed when I said that I don't think she has COVID but without PCR I can't be sure but I think there is a bigger pressing issue. I remember him saying:

"well if anyone else gets infected at our department and dies, it's on you."

fun.

There were other examples of seriously stressful episodes which I and my coworkers lived thru, for which we were not trained for, advised, or properly supervised. At a certain point, I started to take anxiolytics before and during my all-nighters bc I didn't know what I would do with all that stress which was so callously shat on me and my coworkers.

For a few months, I stopped working nights, only thru the mercy of my coworkers who saw how exhausted I was and would take my shifts.

Anyway, after only two months I had to start working nights bc I needed the money. The basic pay for docs was just not enough without the extra from night shifts. Talk about exploiting.

The moment however when I decided to QUIT, when I was DONE, when I actually heard my heart break, was the moment at the end of the previous year. They decided to start vaccinating in our tiny small vaccination centre. Let's say a "shit storm" brewing is the light version of events that ensued.

But basically, as I was trying to discuss with my boss that we are all exhausted, that this wave is not slowing down and that throwing more work at us, the docs and nurses and other staff, who are overworked, is not a good idea,

What she basically said to me is that who says things like that is lazy and that if she can handle it everyone must be also.

The thing is..most of us were at the bring. Some would handle it with casual and calous sex, drugs (legal or not), a bottle of wine before sleep. A coworker ended up with antipsychotics.

But u know,

we were all lazy apperently.

I realized there is no way out of this other than quitting. I could not continue being so tired and sad all the time. I took two weeks off, really thought about it. Had diarrhoea and nausea for a week as I realized I will have to quit :D

On a Monday I came back, handed in my notice. Basically what she told me and how she reacted made me realized how right the decision was.

I had to stay there for another three months bc that's the law, but my mood changed significantly.

I got another job in a smaller ID department, working with amazingly kind people, but that's another story.

But that was the only interview I actually looked for and did. I, however, did get several job offers from different types of medicine. From heads of different departments in my old hospital to smaller general medicine chain offices who are looking for ID specialists, to insurance companies.

Like I said, french legion.

Or Runway and your boss is Miranda Pristley. Once u survive that, u survive anything.

But at my old work they would keep hitting you with wave after wave of passive agressive comments about how if u quit, u wont be able to find anything as"prestigious" as this.

There were many other exmaples of a shitty and questionable situations which were treated as "normal" but there is not point on getting on that rage train.

Contrary as it might seem, I am greatful I got to live thru this, good and bad, bc now I know what I am and am not willing to sacrifice for a job. No matter how much I might love it.

[jessefandomunited]

Visiting hours  (part 1)

Spencer Reid X Reader

You can’t believe Spencer got thrown in prison and when your forced to take sick leave you have to go to see him.

I’ve been numb ever since Reid was put in that damn prison, and it showed in my work. For a while Penelope put me on the night shift on paperwork duty because I was no help, but even that wasn’t working. Emily cleared her throat behind me , “ hey, my office , please.” I slowly got up and cracked my fingers, I glanced at the phone and my heart stopped, I had started my shift at 3pm, it was about 5am now. I swallowed and slowly made my way into Emilys office. “ Please sit,” She said looking at me with intense pity. “Listen I ...I didn’t realize what time it was,” I began to explain but she held a hand up to silence me, “ I know , I know that this has been hard on you, you two were very close, and because of how you’ve been lately, I'm putting you on medical leave.” I stood up, “ what!? I’ve been doing my job, what more do you want!? I'm not sick!” “ Mentally you are,” Emily said firmly , then she softened, “ Listen, take the time off, visit him a few times, heal.” “ How...if i’m not working, if i’m not doing anything it won’t help him at all,” I stuttered holding back tears. “ Please, just a couple weeks at least,” She urged. I bit my lip and nodded. I got up and left the office.

As I was driving home I realized that I couldn’t go home. I looked down at what I was wearing a old fashion peter pan collared blouse with a coffee stain and my longer pleated skirt. Not the thing one usually wears to visit a prisoner but  it would have to do, I couldn’t put off seeing him anymore.

The visitations didn’t start till 10 so when I got there at about 9 they made me wait . The guards inspected me and made snide comments. I ended up putting on my glasses to hide how dark the circles under my eyes have gotten. I couldn’t sleep, any time I closed my eyes I just could imagine what they were doing to him and id end up looking through the web for anything to do with Scratch. Then Penelope moved me to the night shift, so I didn’t sleep at night or during the day. “ Come on,” A guard yelled breaking me out of my trance. I hugged my bag close to me and took a note out before handing it over. They led us into a surprisingly open room that had rows of desks with a small piece of plexiglass in between. I awkwardly sat swinging my legs till the door opened. My head popped up and I watched the inmates walk in. A few of the guys eyed me up and down and there were a few wolf whistles but I didn’t care once I locked eyes with Spencer. A weary smile tugged at his lips and I stood up trying not to cry as he walked over. I went for a hug but a guard yelled, “ NO TOUCHING!” there were a few snickers from other inmates but I ignored them. “ I’m not going to ask how you are, but honestly I don’t know what to even say that will make you feel better I know this sucks I should be out doing something anything ,” I rambled rubbing at my eyes. He looked bad, unshaven unruly hair and he didn’t look like he was sleeping well. “ What are you doing here,” He asked, “ i’m, glad to see you but they usually send people on Monday right?” I rubbed my neck nervously and locked eyes with him before saying, “ Emily...has put me on medical leave. I’ve been working the night shift , on paperwork, and I tend to stay there a bit longer than I'm supposed to and ...” I stopped because he looked distressed, “You’re not sleeping...are you?” “ Not in the strictest seance of the word,” I almost whispered. “ I’m so glad to see you, but i’m...scared for you, it’s not safe and the men here,” He said trying to grab the right words. “ Spencer I can’t just sit at home and do nothing,  I wont ‘heal’ at home, and they wont let me back at work so I want to be here with you , as often as I can , I want to make sure you’re alright. And it drives me mad that I cant do anything because I ,” My words trailed off , I was going to say I loved him , here of all places. I bit my lip, my hands were shaking with rage and I felt hot tears in my eyes, “ It’s not fair.” “ No,” He said simply and I wiped my eyes feeling stupid, “ Sorry, this isn’t what you need to see from the outside world. I uh… wrote you a note, They wont let me give it to you but I know you’re a fast reader.” I held it up. It was me just rambling about things Penelope had said and how we have a big party planned when this is all over and how much we are all working to get him out of here. He nodded his eyes red , “ thankyou, that was really sweet.” “ Look at that little mama with Mr. Reid,” Someone jeered. I saw Spencer stiffen, “ you really shouldn’t be here, really it isn’t safe.” “ Spence I don’t give a fuck,” I whispered so the guard wouldn’t snap at me, “ you’re in here and I will be here as long as it takes to remind you that we haven't given up on you and you shouldn’t either! As for all the guys in here I couldn’t care less what they say, they’re mostly talk.” I winced a bit then added, “ well maybe not for you, but I really doubt they can hurt me out there.” He looked around nervously and swallowed, “ please just be careful.” “ I will I promise,” I said with the first real smile I could muster, “ now what is the one thing you’d want most in the world once you get out, it can be anything.” He seemed to relax a bit with my casual tone, like he’d just be getting off a shift at work, “ maybe a bath, and a few good books.” I smiled brightly and winked , “ that wont be a problem at all.” He tried to hide his blush and I quickly changed the subject to a book he had recommended to me a while ago, and it felt like we were talking back at the office till , “ VISITING HOURS ARE OVER!” We both blinked a couple times like we were pulling ourselves back into reality. “ Bye...Spence,” I said sadly , “ I’ll be here tomorrow.” He visibly became a bit more distant and cold and just slightly nodded. “ Miss i’m going to need you to leave now,” One of the guards insisted . “ Yes… sorry,” I said a little absent minded. I spun around and left without looking back, I couldn’t look back

….

I was sitting outside by myself when they approached me , “ Hey Reid, cute little mama you got there hu?” I really did not want to talk to them in general but especially not about her. I got up and started to walk away but two of the guys grabbed me roughly and turned me to face the other. “ You didn’t answer now thats just rude,” He said in a sickly sweet voice, “ Now I feel like my boys here need to teach you a lesson on respect.” I forced my face to stay stoic, this was just any other usub looking for a weakness to strike at. “ Now,” He continued, “ that lovely lady that came in, she got a name.” “None of your business,” I replied instantly causing one of the guys to punch me in the stomach. I gasped and tried to wriggle out but they held fast. “ Now that’s strike two,” He said shaking his head, “ You know i’ve got some contacts on the outside, one that could turn her world upside down, in fact maybe the next time I see her, i’ll just jump her myself, what are they going to do , put me in solitary?” “ You won’t lay a finger on her,” I snapped . He laughed, “ okay okay, I won’t, but you have to tell her, to her face, that you don’t want to see her again, and if you tell her why, i’ll still jump her, got it?” “ I don’t think you can do that,” I hissed through gritted teeth. The guy punched me again then threw me to the ground, “ I guess you’ll have to find out.” I didn’t want to take that chance but I hated the thought of her not coming, that was the first time in a while I remember smiling or felt like a real person. I shook my head, I was being selfish, this was her life at stake. I took a deep breath and started thinking of a plan.

…

I was able to sleep a little that night, I think physically seeing that Spencer was still Spencer was a big relief even if he did seem more tense. I read a bit of another book he recommended to me the next morning so that i’d have something new to talk about, then it was back in the car driving to the Prison. I had almost forgotten to change before I left, I pretty much collapsed when I got back yesterday and just starred at the ceiling. Today I chose a more neutral outfit , high waisted brown corduroy shorts and an oversize green turtleneck sweater tucked into them. It was a bit more casual that I usually dress in fact I don’t think I have ever dressed this casual with Spencer before, even when we went out to the movies or the planetarium or some other random thing none of the others wanted to go to, I always dressed up for him. I wanted him to feel important but I realized that it didn’t matter what I wore more that I was there, so I decided to test my theory today. I tapped nervously on my backpack as I waited for them to call me in. My palms were sweaty and I felt a lump in my throat, I thought i’d be excited but being surrounded by dangerous men made me anxious. They called us in and I went. I sat at the same table waiting anxiously. I felt like I was going to cry again but I shook that thought out of my head. The door opened and I noticed almost every inmate looked at me as they went to their seats. I felt suddenly very exposed. I heard someone whisper very softly, “ she came baaackkk.” I felt a bit faint, I was definitely in some sort of danger. “ Hey,” I jumped at the sound of Spencer's gentle voice but then relaxed, “ Sorry...I...” I looked around and leaned in, “ i’m….in trouble aren't I ?” Spencer placed his hand firmly on the glass  making me jump again. I saw the words “, you’re in danger, sorry.” “ Spence I,” I started but he snapped loud enough for the others to head, “ listen now and listen good, I do not want to see your face here ever again, is that understood.” The guards walked over to us. “ Understood,” he said darkly. I felt my heart crack a bit and I nodded quickly. I stood up and I heard one inmate say, “ bye bye pretty girl.” I whipped around and kicked the table he was act and fixed him with a cold glare, and then I was drug out of the room. It wasn’t necessary but I had just gotten my best friend taken away from me again and there was literally nothing I could do about it.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, maybe you coukd give me some tips. I send you that ask already but it means ght be deleted by tumblr and it was all messy and ugly.

So I have one childhood friend, we used to do everything together till highschool. Often she was my only friend, like now. We slowly started to distance from each other sonce she has a boyfriend. For all those years I did my best to accept him and all, told myself that duh she is not obliged to spent time only with me even in situation when she spent less and less time with me. Sometime I had a bit trouble to fully accept bf because sometime when they argued she was venting to me and I felt like his is hurting her but she refused to break up with him. Boy eas very insecure, no friends and so on and one day around graduating junior hight school she wanted to break up with him but he said something like he is gonna hurt himself if she will, or just drop out the school. So she wanted to wait at least until he graduate, but she waited longer. Then just after we graduated hightschool she broke up with him like she had enought. It was prolly a mistake but after she vent I said one or two things about him concerning past events and I said 'wow finally'. After a while they made up and she said she just missend him. I promissed mtself I will never comment whatever she tell me about them, unless in a good way.

Well... the point is that I am probably jellous, that she doesnt want to spent time with me anymore. Alway if I ask her out I give her to eventually pick the date, if nit today then maybe tomorrow etc y know introvert way :D And im trying to save this friendship? She is not the person busy 24/7, unless maybe when she is in uni or we count playing games as being busy. I play games too sometime.

Sometime it seems like she tries to avoid me and dont want to tell me anything. One day I was talking to her in cafee and she was just fidgeting with her phone. She didnt even like heck the socialmedia, just switching between random (system?) folders on the phone. When I asked abt it why she doesnt listen, she said she wanted to do sth but forgot what. Another time I havent seen her for months and she alway soent holidays 1 month her bf comes to her (he lives abroad already I guess) and I dont want to disturb them of feel like third wheel and the other month she come to him. So like week before she pnanned to go I asked her to go out next day. She said she cant. So asked another day, she answered : but I go to my bf. So I surprised that its that soon and sad I missed the oportunity: oh really? When? She: on Friday me: but its Monday(?)(no answer) so...? She: ught I know ;;; but lately I dont really feel like going anywhere :(

Well... maybe I'm childish but I felt sad.

I'm also jellous that they even celebrate each others bdays altought she never do that bc of religious reasons and I've always respected that.

Once I asked her what is with us, we barely talk for last few years and I feel like she is avoiding me. She had no Idea what I was talking about, she felt like everything was the same.

I was told to not have much hope or expectations toward her bu maybe try to text her or maybe arrange a meeting once in a while and try not to become bitter.

The other one sait that that how adulthood looks like, we become busier with private issues and so on and I may act childish and selfish, but as far as I know except for time she go to uni or to her bf she is not that busy, definitely not that busy not to have time to meet with me more than once in a whole year (or none) when we live ~20min apart by foot. I dont want to be burden to anyone or feel like third wheel so I dunno what to do. I have problem with finding friends, she was my only one friend (?) for years. I dont trust ppl easly

I wanted to do more things together outside since we both used to or still do soent too much time on the computer but well... you know, together is easier.

Since I have to do it on my own maybe you have some ideas? Thats stupid wuestion I guess since you dont know my environment. Jogging and biking wont work I guess since I dont have proper bike. I wanted to plant some flowers but I was afraid I screw everything up since im kida kid who grow up in the bubble and Im not sure how to do basics and nobody wanted to help me and its too late already... Walk is fine but I prefer places far from road and since I'm not supposed to go to the forest that I love I dont have many spots to go.

I am sorry for long post. Any even tiny help would be appreaciated. I hope thats not much of the problem, have a nice day or night :)

-PineconeAnon

I do think that it's time for you to let go of the friendship. I know that's hard to do but people grow apart and that's okay. It's okay. You'll be able to make better relationships and move forward but you have to learn to let go and keep walking forward. It sounds like you're holding onto this friendship because you want to keep going on like it's the past but...

It doesn't work like that. Change happens. It hurts sometimes but it's not a bad thing. You can reflect on this with time and learn how to be able to accept it. You need someone that wants to hang out with you and relax with you. It's not childish to be upset but it's important to see when people just... don't have time for you anymore and feelings change.

It just seems like you both have a fundamental misunderstanding and if you can't talk that through, then it's not working. You can try to talk about it but it seems like it'd be better to just let go. She doesn't think there's something wrong but you do. If you feel stress around her instead of friendship, it's not great.

But, that's up to you, you know? You decide your relationships what you want them to be.

I don't really have great advice for making friends as an adult. I'm not exactly going out and interacting with people. I can suggest finding a new set of friends online by joining Discords and interacting with the fandoms you're in because that's how I've made friends. It's easier to do that if you're anxious about making friends outside.

Try new hobbies. Take a deep breath. If you want to garden, try it out. You're not going to be perfect the first time. It's a learning process at anything and you have to just try. You don't get to live it if you don't try. You have to consider your limits and reflect on what is going to be the easiest thing to try.

It's never too late.

Try to start small and work your way up.

[onf-headcanons]

ONF in Demon AU

A/N : Is clearing idea dumps from drafts, this would be the second version of modern AU 

Hi, does anyone remember the idea of illegitimate child of Satan from here and a random Lucifer!Hyojin moodboard here?

ALSO YOU TOTALLY CAN IMAGINE THIS IN A REVERSE WAY, ANGEL AU (where reader is a reincarnation version fragment of Archangel but this one idea dump/establishment will be done for another day)

ALSO you can totally imagine it as deity AU, example that you are Zeus reincarnation but you awaken late and you need to stop Kronos for his rampage. Or even you are Odin and you need to stop Modern version Ragnarok this time. And ONF members could be tie with other Greek/Roman gods. This one will be fun should OH MY GIRL and B1A4 are tied in too. Its just idea I am not sure if I will expand this. But discussions are welcome

(There is no harm to think it as late Victorian or any other era you like, it is just I felt it is better to write in a familiar timeline as I dont want to do something wrong)

So below are just a few establishment for the AU, I am not gonna divide this into 2 scenarios so warning this is going to be long post.

Ok even though I did mentioned illegitimate or forgotten child. This is plausible for your family comes from bloodline that related to demonXhuman ancestors.

Also it truly depends on you. Making into a throne inheritance war or

Reader come of age and their soul are reincarnated royal demon (not neccesary Satan) so there are some demons/demoness guarding you from you are still a child (kinda like those 2 characters from Good omens or Maleficent)

for the above idea, readers magical heritage only awaken once they pass a certain birthday 16, 18 or 20 or 21, up to you. So you suddenly can see mythical creatures.

It could be your bloodline awakened but you are not that qualified to ascend throne or because of your human blood you cannot hide yourself from angel/demon hunter so you have your own demon guardians

Lets say you are imagining on something big world building, again derived from the establishment for familiar au, it is definitely plausible for you to have other "candidates" and they have their demonic godparents/guardians as well

Example, should you go for inheritance war type, maybe you have a distant related sibling(s). It will be fun if you, have ONF members as your guardians while your sibling(s) have other kpop groups. Presumably to name, Dreamcatcher, ONEUS, ATEEZ, PENTAGON or ASTRO... in short its totally flexible.

To add, (and this is an idea i use to draft for fake pilot episode for a homework I worked), you could tally idols and number of idols you wanna integrate into the story to "Lesser Ley of Solomon", linking your bloodline towith King Solomon (*disclaimer, loosely based mythically). 72 demons, how many demons for 1 person is totally depend on you. Whether number of demons/demoness one have on their side equals to their power/ability (or even how many support they obtain) is up to you.

(and disclaimer I am not Christian this is just an idea dump so dont start cultural bashing. again this ia just an idea dump and I am not planning to touch sensitive issues yet.)

Ok enough world building, lets move to story wise.

You could be growing in orphanage it adds more mystery of your bloodline/heritage or similar to the familiar au, living with your family but your family later died on accident. Your parents bloodline combine making you are the perfect vessel for the reincarnation or maybe its a tradition like every 100 hundred years you will reincarnate or something. Again its flexible.

The moment you realize you are seeing things was you noticed similar aura of each person appeared on similar day. You might not get to see who is watching before you actually confronted to the air that you will contact the police

You might really go file a report but after several times the police be like dear there is no a single soul stalking you tho

then out of depressed, you accidentally get yourself into accident and your demon guardian shows up.

Or, because you started to able to see mythical creatures. Mythical creatures starts to notice your existence as well. And that somewhat gives off your location to other candidates through gossiping (should this is inheritance war type of story). Then your guardian show up to protect you when you are attacked by rival sibling’s demons.

Could be you visited some witch to get your ability to see mythical creatures covered up? Recommended by a friendly non related sibling or a friend you made/could be angel?

You thought you only got one but it surprised  you that you actually got 7 (later 6)

As this was different from summoning because they are guardians either assigned or volunteered. There is no need for you to provide them anything. And different from familiar au, there is no need to leave them in your home. To ensure your safety they must follow you 247

For now I would be thinking our boys actually guards you in a daily shift. Example, Hyojin on Monday, Changyoon on Tuesday, Seungjun on Wednesday, Jaeyoung on Thursday, Minkyun on Friday, Yuto on Saturday, Minseok on Sunday. (after Minseok departs, the other members rotate themselves to do the Sunday shift)

Since their shift are like that, you sometimes take chance to hangout with them. Eating out with Hyojin, Arcades with Yuto. mostly happens Sunday.

I am thinking it might be fun which your predecessors of the throne are very eager to get the throne, you are just trying to keep out of trouble. So in another way, demon ONFs get to experience the modern human world in a more chill way, it was not just guarding you, but also trying to experience human world. You could like summon them?/keep them by your side just like a normal sibling (Especially if you are the type that grow up alone without any siblings)'

Cues in ONF members actually understand your preference and remembers them very well. So you could not help relying on them as days pass by.

You are defo gonna get an ultimate rival and a friend that shares the same circumstances as you. Maybe the first rival sibling ends up being your friend after they know you are not intending to compete. But there are some rivals are more aggressive out there.

Could be you knew a few demon hunters but they know you meant no harm and then they just let you go

It will be more fun if existences of your kind triggers inner civil war between demon hunters/angels. Because there is also some distant “siblings” of yours wish to live their live quietly but some parties does not agree of letting your kind roaming free and feeling the bloodline must end.

Should you are the type to compete for your birthright (because you are too irritated of people keep coming to kill you non stop). They are happy to serve you till the end as you embracing your darker side. (Well I am not sure to give ONF members and reader loveline here so I will not talk about it for now)For this version, to explain Minseok’s departure , I would prefer that Minseok is back at hell to be your team’s spy, monitoring all political moves and changes.There are still bottom line morality, you are not really slaughtering your way through. But you do make sure the other party wont come to look for trouble anymore.They are going to train you to make sure you are ready. Fighting in physical and magic.That friendly sibling joins on training you too. 

You are definitely getting strict critiques from Hyojin and Seungjun during the beginning of your training.

My preferences, you get a friendly sibling(s) where their demon guardians end up being BFF with yours. (RTK and MIXNINE side effect, sorry)

Characterization should be the same as those I have established from the familiar au. Just the world building and some settings that are slightly different.

Hyojin is to keep the trait of his preference on human food

Changyoon is to keep his nagging trait 

Seungjun might help you with studies (not solidify him as a nerd but there is tendency that he will)

Jaeyoung is more to the body guard type

Minkyun defo gonna make friends with stray animals (either you house ends up becoming pet shelter, you becoming a foster mom for animals or you cannot keep any because you are allergic but mental supporting Minkyun is up to you)

Yuto definitely is the quiet but alert type same goes with Minseok

My preference stereotype for them would be the cinnamon rolls that would kill

Sometimes they might go.. “ I am a known demon back in hell but why I am doing this babysitting shit?” 

But then ends up enjoying stuffs human does lol

Changyoon enjoying TikTok lol, they got famous because of their contents. 

Defo gonna have movie night.

It will be funny if ONFs as demons themselves, got scared at the monsters/ghosts seen in horror movies. Bonus if you actually not scared of horror movies. And they are gonna question you out of disbelief like why the hell are you not scared? How can you not even flinch a single bit?

Reason : monsters and ghosts imagined by human beings do not look the same based on their knowledge.

They sometimes show themselves to other humans but rarely. Mostly just being the unseen follower behind you.

Cues in sometimes they forgot they are invisible, and picks up something from the mart and it gave people a fright. Example, Changyoon or Minkyun passes through a nice outfit and just took the hanged outfit out to place in front of himself, only to realise what he did after looking into a mirror nearby

Hmm my thoughts, Jaeyoung and Minseok would be the ones who would always their visiblity when you are out with them.

Hyojin and Changyoon would be the ones who prefer to keep their invisibility

Copying from familiar au, should you attend college or university, people might thought some members of demon!ONF are your boyfriend.

At first when they changed pattern starts to live close to you, they could  not get the concepts of moral of human being well. You will be guiding them. 

Could happen that you are so pissed off by someone at work and you could not help but ranting when you are at home. 

(Of course the demon!ONF on that day saw what happened but you did insist on them to not do anything)

They might go like : “ Should I kill them for you?”

You : “What?”

Random ONF member : “I can do it to make look like an accident you know.”

You : “OMG NO”

You : “You know maybe you can try to mend things when they are trying to frame me on purpose.”

Random ONF member : “Gotcha”

For the you are not competing scenario, they would be always keeping you safe from harm until you died. Should you get married, you let them participated as relatives/friends. Cues in they even help you take care of your child later on. It could be even fun if you child does not inherit bloodline but they can see ONF members

I will stop here will write another post should i have more ideas to add.

Welp of course for a third option scenario, would be you being a supporter the friendly sibling of yours. You just wanna stay safe so you acted like an advisor role for that candidate, helping them to gain power but not participating directly. Like I said its flexible

For this one I would like to write it as you are just trying to chill with your quiet life but demon hunter, angels and aggressive candidates keeping coming at you.

Also for this one I would link to the point of unfavorable and forgotten child part.

Less favourable child gets assigned with less powerful or less aggressive demons

So for this story ONF aren't high class fighter demons at all. But they do excel in magics.

In opposite, you could the one who knows how to fight maybe because you are quite rebellious in personality.

The moment you found out there 3 parties wanna kill you and innocent less aggressive candidates, you snapped.

Maybe some candidates heard of your friendly sibling name and they rushed over to seek help. End up bump into you instead.

You : what kind of dad is *your biological demon dad name*?"

Cues in Demon ONF keep calming you down because they are afraid that rumours of you belittling your demon father might make their king angry

But you have your attitude and no shit is given. Because you understand that your life your destiny is in your own hands.

You : I wanted a peaceful life alone but now I have to deal with Angels, hunters and a bunch of siblings that I never met , never knew about each other, who all wants me dead.

You : its not fair.

To end it once and for all, you suggested to the friendly sibling to find other candidates that do not have any intentions to compete for throne. Form allies with them so that later own they could get votes for the throne and the rest of the gang could get a decorative chill title while living a peaceful life

Also suggested to the sibling of yours make use of the allies to protect less aggressive candidates

It worked politically. As most of the candidates work on slaughtering others to cut secure birthright, your ideal and policy of strengthen inner then tackle threat gain more favour. Finally your sibling gets the throne.

And you and your other members of allies might get duke duchess or something

This version of story would have and need slot of mind games. Political games as well. (Will be interesting to write but there will waaaaaay too much characters to take note.)

[doof-doofblog]

"... Till There's Absolutely Nothing Left!"

Monday 28th September 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you've all had an enjoyable weekend! As of today I will back being up to date with my blog posts. I'm looking forward to seeing what this week of episodes have in store! Let's not waste any time and jump right into it!

Tonight's episode started with Max still looking for Ian, Max is wanting to get his hands on his money, he's already fuming at Ian for dodging him and ignoring him. Ian has come up with excuses upon excuses to Max for not being able to get his money to him urgently. As Max leaves after having a word with Kathy, Ian is seen peering behind the door-frame, as if he's been hiding from Max, which we know he is - he's avoiding him like the plaque! Ian is such a weasel isn't he? Why doesn't he just grow a pair and admit to Max the truth, it's only a matter of truth before all his secrets come out!

Meanwhile, Gray and Karen are catching up at the club. Karen informs Gray that Mitch is currently sleeping at the salon as he's not welcome at the house for having doubts about Gray. Gray tries to ask Karen not to act harshly on Mitch, as everyone is still grieving for Chantelle. Karen can't believe he's sticking up for the man who's basically accused him of murder, it's then she turns to him and says "You're such a good man!" ... the only thing my brain is saying is "If only you knew Karen, if only you knew!" Ooooo I can't wait for Gray to be found out, it's going to be SO good when he finally gets seen for the murderer he truly is!

Oh yes! At the hospital, Denise is still watching over her biological son, Raymond. Ellie seems to be surprised that Denise is back visiting him, as they chat she informs him that Raymond made it through the night and he seems to be slowly recovering. Denise is visibly relieved, Ellie also seems surprised by her reaction. -  I'm not 100% sure what to make of Ellie, it's been revealed she's going to be a type of villain? I have my speculations about this current storyline, I'm really excited to see where it's going to go, but something tells me it'll be a battle of who gets custody of the young child. I think, perhaps, Denise will try and get Phil on side - if she tells him everything she knows about the adoptive family passing away, Phil will probably do the right thing and help Denise get custody of her son. But how is Phil going to act when he learns about Ellie and what will she do to get in their way? - Ellie asks Denise if she'd still like to help out and Denise insists that she'd love to, she's instructed by Ellie to get some new pyjamas for the young boy, Denise is only willing to do whatever she can for the boy so she goes off without hesitation. As she leaves, Ellie looks really suspicious - why would Denise want to help? Is she just being a good Samaritan? Or is there more to it? (Oooo I can't wait to see when Ellie finds out who Denise actually is!)

At the club, Mick walks in on Frankie taking pictures of Ollie, at first it seems only friendly and as if she's doing no harm, of course Mick is a little suspicious as Frankie barely knows the child. But it's when he grabs the camera without her looking and takes a look at the photo's, he realises there are quite a lot of photo's of Ollie that she's taken, plus also ones of other family members. When Frankie realises, she makes the excuse that it's Street Art Photography that she's doing. Mick does seem very uncomfortable at the fact that he's been photographed without his knowledge, he asks Frankie is kind of polite way to not to post them on social media and maybe to delete the images, mainly because Linda would feel uncomfortable about it. Frankie promises to do as he asks, but surely his mind must be racing? Who is this girl and why is she taking photos of him and his family?! I've heard some kind of rumour that perhaps Frankie could be Mick's secret daughter, but I'm not 100% sure whether to believe it's true, I mean, it could be - but who knows?!

In the cafe, Stuart is visibly excited to be marrying Rainie, both Callum and Ben are watching on as he's happily smiling as he's having a conversation on the phone with his future wife. I thought it was cute, personally, after so long of being such a dark character, Stuart is finally getting some happiness - and I think he bloody deserves it, as does Rainie! As they're saying their goodbyes on the phone, Ben makes a silly comment to Callum "A tenner says this marriage doesn't last as long as this goodbye!" - It's lovely seeing Stuart all smiley! When he finishes the call and turns to the boys he starts talking about how weird it feels, him getting married and then Callum moving in to the Mitchell's, it's then Ben says that he'll be a Mitchell now he's living under their roof! It's funny as all these one liners comes out, I'm thinking to myself, he's pretty much there now after what he's doing to Phil! As Stuart leaves after reminding Callum of his Best Man duties, Ben again makes a comment of Callum and his Dad being best mates, it seems as if Callum comes clean to his boyfriend, he reveals that he and Phil have been chatting a lot recently, plus he reveals the big news about Phil offering him a job to work on the family firm side of things, Ben is clearly surprised and perhaps confused to hear this news.

In the laundrette, Kathy and Bobby are picking up their clothes from Linda, I just want to say that I absolutely loved the moment when Linda couldn't remember where she had stored their dry-cleaning - B for Beale or C for Cathy, only for it to be under K for the correct spelling of Kathy! I don't know why, I just thought it was brilliant! As she finds the clothes, she overhears Kathy and Bobby talking about Ian's money problems, Kathy informs Bobby that Ian needs this new contract otherwise he wont be able to pay Max back! Linda knows the situation regarding Max and his money, is she going to do the right thing and tell Max? He deserves to know what's happening and what's happened with his share of the restaurant. I kind of hope she does.

Back at Ruby's, Denise and Jack are catching up. He questions Denise on where she has been, she claims she's been shopping and the thing she bought she's planning on taking back anyway. Suddenly Jack's phone rings and he excuses himself to take the call, as he moves to one side, Denise watches as Phil makes his way into the club and sits by the bar. Will she tell him the truth about his son? Next minute, Isaac and Sheree are seen in the club corridor, they appear to be talking about Isaac's run in with his boss about the allegation of him using drugs, as they both walk in they see Denise on the other side of the club, and then Phil sat at the bar. Phil is the one to break the silence and makes a snide comment about him coming to see his dealer. Isaac isn't wanting to hear another word, it's only then that Denise gets involved in the conversation and reminds Phil that's he's not as innocent as he makes out, claiming he doesn't his granddaughter to be taught by a druggie, when he was addicted to crack a couple of years back. She basically insults the Mitchell family name, accusing them all of being criminals! Isaac, Sheree and Jack watch on in disbelief as Denise stands up to Phil! It's a pretty brilliant scene I have to say! Something tells me though that Denise is only doing this because of being reunited with her son, Raymond, who Phil just so happens to be the Father of. As she leaves the club, she appears to be holding a gift bag, we see that it's a set of boys pyjamas that Ellie asked her to buy for Raymond, she then suddenly decides to bin the clothes and walk away.

Back at the Mitchell household, Ben is looking like he's wanting answers from Callum, he wants to understand what his boyfriend has been asked to do. Then suddenly it clicks, he realises that Phil has asked Callum to perhaps get him inside information about what the police are looking for and what they might want. Ben can't understand why Callum would risk losing his job and his future if he was to do what Phil was asking him. He explains to his boyfriend that he is good and that is one of the reasons why he loves him. It's then that Phil walks in, Ben wants answers now! Why is he bringing his boyfriend into this? Why is he making Callum do dirty work? Phil explains to him plain and simple, it's good for business and he's part of the family now, which is why it will work! As Callum and Phil both leave the room, Ben is stunned!

Back at the Vic, Karen is drowning her sorrows in a pint when Kheerat walks in. She tells him not to even think about causing any more trouble, he tries to defend himself, whether it was right or wrong, he cared for Chantelle. He loved her. Karen asks him to picture Chantelle if she was to hear their conversation, she'd hate everything that was happening. Kheerat pauses for a second, thinking that actually what Karen is saying is true. He agrees, he apologises to her and promises not to say anything again and peacefully leaves her with her drink.

At the Beale's house, Ian is looking ready for his meeting, he greets Charmaine and welcomes her into his home. At first, she feels perhaps his house is a little bit unprofessional, as she's after a catering company, you'd think the restaurant would be a better place. Ian insists that she enters his living room where there appears to be a dining table very elegantly displayed with cutlery and dishes. It's then Ian introduces Bobby to Charmaine, and she is instantly aware of who he is. She reveals, much to Ian's surprise, that Bobby and herself had been emailing about a charity named The Lucy Beale Foundation, which Bobby has designed and created himself. Ian's shocked and his ears are ringing as Charmaine admits that Bobby had her reaching for her cheque book, he instructs Bobby to get themselves some food and invites him to join them both for lunch.

Meanwhile, back at the laundrette, Max is opening up to Linda, revealing that Jack is wanting to be a proper family with Denise and the kids, he's worried that Jack might end up asking him to move out. He reveals he's contemplating going to New Zealand to go and see Lauren and Louie, even promised little Abi that he'd take her, once Ian returns his money to him. As Max is revealing all this to Linda she can't help but look guilty, she tells him not to get the little girl's hopes up. Instantly, that doesn't sit right with Max, why would she say such a thing? Why would Abi be disappointed? He moves in on Linda and can see that she's hiding something, he asks her why she's looking so guilty, she backed into a corner, she can't let him think everything is okay when truthfully it's not, she lets out a sigh - will she tell him what she knows?!

Back at the Beale's, Bobby is talking confidently to Charmaine, explaining how much he had to rebuild his life and how much he wanted to focus on turning such a tragic event in his life, to potentially something positive. Charmaine is truly touched by Bobby's honesty and asks whether Ian will match her donation to the charity, Ian insists he will but turns the whole subject back on to the catering contract. She says that she can see how much it means to him, it's then that Ian starts to take advantage of Bobby's idea and - I don't know whether you guys think so too - but does he actually lie saying he's doing it to honour Lucy?! Or is he just playing at her heartstrings just so she'll sign on the dotted line?! Bobby is clearly annoyed with his Father for making such a claim, just then Max storms in - (Linda has told him everything then!) - Max storms in on their meeting and bellows to Ian that he knows he's been lied to for weeks, he's stolen his share of the restaurant, his life savings and he wants them back!!

Back to Denise, we can she's on the phone to Ellie, explaining that something has come up regarding the little boy's pyjamas. Suddenly, Jack walks in on her phone call and she hangs up almost immediately. Jack is already realising that something isn't right with Denise, he asks who it was that she was talking to on the phone, but she brushes it off saying it wasn't important. It's then Jack is asking her for answers, asking why she let rip on Phil earlier in the club, she explains she was trying to stick up for Isaac. Jack informs her that that is not their fight and they don't need to get involved. Denise apologises and reassures him that there is no need for her to speak to or even go near Phil Mitchell ever again!

Meanwhile, back at the Beale's - Max is keeping quiet as Charmaine apologises to Ian and states that she can't do business with him after what has been revealed. Once again, Ian is trying to worm his way out of the situation, telling her that him and Max had an informal loan arrangement in which the terms have been disputed. Max isn't having anymore of Ian's lies! As Charmaine leaves, he reveals he knows about him using his money to buy the Vic! Max instructs him to sell the pub so he can get his money back - I don't know whether you guys noticed, but as Max and Ian are arguing, Bobby is seen counting under his breath, quite tensely squeezing or pinching the side of his arm - is this a coping mechanism? Can he not handle confrontation and big arguments at the scene of where his sister died? Max almost goes lashing out at Ian, as he does so, Bobby shouts at them to stop fighting! Ian tries to calm the situation, he explains to Max that they will find a solution, but not in this current situation where everyone is shouting to have their say.

I'm not 100% sure where Mick and Linda are staying right now? To me it looks like Kush's old apartment, or it could be Ted's old apartment? Who knows? I know I'm wrong, so if anyone could shed some light on where Mick and Linda are currently living, I'd appreciate it! Anyway, Linda admits to Mick about telling Max everything she knows about Ian buying Sharon the Vic with Max's money. He jokingly calls her a "Grass!". As they both get comfortable on the sofa, Mick opens up about his concerns about Frankie taking photos of Ollie. He explains to her that she had taken pictures of the family from a distance, he tells her that Frankie told him it was art, but should they be worried? Linda seems pretty unfazed, she suggests that that is what teenagers are like nowadays, taking pictures of people and things and calling them art. Which, to be fair, is kind of true?! It's clear to tell that Mick is unsure, only time will tell exactly what Frankie's obsession with Ollie and the Carter family will be.

The final scene of tonight's episode, I feel was an absolutely brilliant one! Ian walks into the Queen Vic cellar and realises the light isn't working. As he goes to grab some alcohol, we can see Max lurking in the shadows. He softly speaks to Ian and slowly approaches him, now Bobby isn't around they can carry on their conversation from earlier on. Ian is now finally backed into a corner as Max gets closer. Ian proposes to pay Max back in instalments, at first Max sees that as an insults, why would he agree to that?! But then Ian confesses, it's the only way he'll be able to pay him back the full amount. Max looks to floor, nods and agrees to the arrangement, but he gives Ian one final warning, if he missing any payment, then he will come for him!!!

I think it's finally about time that Ian got what was coming to him, let's just hope he'll be able to pay Max back every penny. What do we think tomorrow's episode will have in store?! I hope you enjoy this post and I hope you all enjoy the rest of your evening. I'll be back tomorrow folks! Goodnight! xXx

[xsarasmilex]

so I am completly overdrafter my complete amount I verdraft, and I dont get any weekly benefits till friday, and my 1200 a week from monday, which sucks, because the hubby is overdrafted as well he has about 40 more dollars he can overdraft, give or take 10$ Im trying to save up for a car, I really hope they extend the extra 600 a week because it deff helps, even though Im broke lol we have been able to get stuff we needed for the car, and I was able to get clothes that actually fit and are comfy, and pay bill we need to pay, but it just make me mad, because nicks brother is just sitting on 6, 000 and ya he pays his bills but I feel like he just keeps getting moe and moe over and over again which is bullshit, because I just started getting it, so I run out pretty fast, and, Im really trying to save up for another car that is big enough for2 babies and at this rate that is not going to happen unless they extend it, so I claim on the 9th get my weekly the 10th and my other the 13th and then depending if I claim 1 week after or 2 weeks because if its two weeks it will hit right on the like 22nd or some shit so I wont even recieve my weekly or whatever till after the 31st and I dont even know then if I will recieve anything because its suppose to stop like july 20th but offically ends july31st idk its so confusing, fingers crossed all I can do is hope and pray that it will get extended at least, and its maddies first 4th of july nicks mom is making a big meal, which is good because Im starving you can already hear the fire works hopefully she doesnt get scared

[palettepainter]

VENT AHEAD!!

I don't think adults/teachers these days really understand just how stressful college can be on some students - you always have the saying of ‘College are the golden years of your life’ or ‘college is where you will truly be able to express yourself’. But as a college student I can say that college so far...isn't so golden nor as brilliant as people make it out to be. Admittedly yes, you are given freedom to express yourself in the chosen field you want to work in (for me that's art) but it doesn't just end there, there is so much more too it. And that was one harsh slap into reality for me. 

As someone who stresses over everything and is equally very forgetful, being given this much freedom to manage my own time and make sure that I get my work finished by a certain deadline is terrifying! I don't know if I’ve ever mentioned this before but in the village I live in, the majority of the kids my age that live nearby where bullies in my primary school. I was picked on a lot as a kid since I joined half way through a school term so by that point, everyone has found there own group of friends they fitted in with, and being the one new odd kid I was naturally the target for teasing and being isolated from playground activities, so talking to friends about it is a big old no. All the friends I do have at college are all out living in larger towns that require maybe a half an hour drive away, so until I’m legally old enough to drive I cant talk to friends expect via online chats. But because I spend so much time online talking with other artist friends I’ve made via DA or tumblr my parents are always advising me to take some time off my screen, so even talking with friends online makes me feel like I’m disappointing my parents or letting them down. So in short, I have no college friends I can talk to in person in my village, and if I spoke to my parents I would just feel as if I’m bringing up yet another annoying issue for them to deal with.

At college we’re currently working on our FMP (Final major project), this is the only project that we either pass or fail, so already pressure is on. What makes this even more stressful is the theme for our final major project is Culture - now I’m not against culture! But because culture is such a broad topic to study you have to make sure you are deadly accurate with your research! I’m posting this just after me and the rest of my college mates who are on the same course as me have just finished 3 weeks of research, and now that those 3 weeks of nothing but reading and researching and more reading, I just feel mentally and emotionally drained. Now I can handle research, but after the third week in a row of nothing but reading online sources about the same culture every time, you start to feel just a little drained. What makes it worse is that because this is FMP and its the only project we can fail on, we have to make sure our work is as brilliantly organised as it can be. 

My current feeling at the moment is that no matter how hard I try no matter how much research I do I am going to fail, I’m going to disappoint someone and that all my work will be for nothing - I don't know if I’ll ever grow out of this or if I’ll be stuck with it forever, but current emotional situation for me, ain’t the best.

I’m going to speak with the pastoral care teachers at school so I can at least load this all of to someone, but since I wont see them till Monday I needed to load this off somewhere.

Sorry for the long rant

[penelopespen]

Guys I freakn hate my life rn.

So some of you may or may not know that I've long struggled with paying for school and books and just always drowning in debt in some way. Whether it be being able to pay for books or insurance or getting fired or something.

Today is no different.

Monday I went and talked to my financial aid and got everything done with then and decided not to take summer courses.

Talked to my academic advisor and got classes worked out for next semester and so on.

Got my insurance activated. It was good.

Tuesday:

I worked with insurance people and tried to work everything out with them in seeing why there was a big gap and how I could get coverage for the time I missed.

Today:

Today has been awful. I talked with the insurance people and found out they couldn't give me coverage for the time I wasn't covered because I didnt have any unpaid medical bills ( i didnt go to the doctor because I didnt have one). And there's no other way they can help me.

I talked to the school's health insurance ppl and they said in order for me to be taken off the schools insurance, I would need proof of current activity (yes), needs to have been active during the start of the semester which was Jan. 1st-9th (it wasnt), and for there to have been no breaks in my coverage (there was) and ita jus- there is so much riding on this I really needed this to work.

My financial aid gave me a scholarship to put to pay for the school insurance ( its $900 a semester) but I now have my own but they wont accept it. And I really need them to because then the scholarship money would be sent directly to me and I was really counting on that money as it would be so much in terms of my financial situation and emotional and stress level.

But theres nothing they can do.

But I'm also mad at the fact that my insurance company didnt tell me that my insurance had stopped and at the fact that my school waiting till 2 weeks ago to tell me I was on their insurance when I thought my insurance was active the whole time of fall semester and this semester until a few weeks ago. But having looks at my insurance home page my insurance kicked me off in November for a reason I don't know why.

I've legit talked to everyone. Practically of the insurance company, my professors, my counselors, my friends, my family, everyone. And they just made me feel like it was my fault or were busy and couldnt help.

Please donate

[pippa-frost]

Hi! OMG just arrived on this blog and has all the stuff I love 😭 you're such an AMAZING artist OMG. Your art is stunning girl! Your Ososan and TS drawings give me doki dokis ❤️❤️ And Karamatsu it's your Favorite Matsu too? 😭😭💙💙💙 OH GOD. The question, gosh, almost forgot >.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MYYY EMOOOTIOOONSSS!!!! UGH I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS LATE REPLY!!!! AHHHH AND YOUR WORDS JUST FILL ME WITH HAPPINESS HOLY SHIT!!!! MY HEAAAART!!! AHHHHHHHH I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!

God i feel like a jerk! i’m soooo sorry this is probably so late! i haven’t logged in in forever!!!! I just happened to log in today cause i just needed to get a little fic idea out of my chest (is a new fandom tho, not oso san or SS, sorry :C), so i’m really sorry for taking so long! and you have nooo idea how happy you just made me! ugh i had so many asks and they’re all making me so happy!! i had actually forgotten how it felt to be logged in again!!! 

And HELL YEAH Kara is my fave!! have you seen him?!?!?! ugh. i love him. And i have so many ideaaaaas for him!!! but still it will all come once the year is over, so if you send an ask (you or anyone who is reading this) i wont be ignoring you, it’s just that i won’t be logging in for a long time, i WILL answer, ALLWAYS, but it might take me months until i do so.

Oh no sweetie don’t worry! I wouldn’t have been able to tell at all! besides my mother lenguage is Spanish and i haven’t written anything in ages so my english is kind of rusty!

Hmm, let’s se, I learnt about Oso san through a friend, se watched anime like i did and she introduced me to the fandom. It was hilarious cause i’m really picky about drawing quality when it comes to anime. Like, the plot can be freaking amazing, but if i don’t like the drawing style it’s reaaaally hard it to get my vote hahaha. So she showed it to me and another friend, and seeing as it hardly has any continuous plot, she made sure to show us the funniest episodes first. I could be wrong, but i think it was the one when the hearter goes out, and maybeeee we saw the saw parodies as well (could be wrong tho) (also whoa this will get real long real fast, hope you don’t mind!) Now, up till that point i had heard and seen stuff about them, and i was one more person who was like “the hell are people suddenly fanart-ing several Nobitas all of a sudden?” and i never liked nobita (because of the drawing most of all actually).

And the FIRST thing that happened when i watched it was (besides having no fucking idea who was talking at any given time, like they are all the fucking same drawing! and they were together all the time so i couldn’t even get time enough to relate one color (cause that was the only way my mind could at least try to separate them) to one specific voice) was Karamatsu. He was SO FUCKING CRINGEY (PAINFUUUUUULLLLL) (and see, my brother and i actually have always been embarrased very easily by stuff, like since we were kids whenever something really, REALLY cringey was happening we actually turned to another channel while we waited for the embarrassing bit to pass, so it was freaking TORTURE to me), BUT!!! HE WAS SO FREAKING SWEET!!!! (i think we also watched the letters for the fish bit too but i’m not sure) AND EVERYONE TREATED HIM SO BADDLY!!! And i could see he was a big brother type from the start, which is always my favourite trait (i’m an older sister, guess it just gets to me, dont know).

So, anyway, i was hooked. I got home and started watching them even tho i hated the drawing style on principle, and this was on the weekend (he had had a sleepover at my friend’s place), but it was so fucking HILARIOUS! just so freaking clever, i couldn’t stop laughing, i just couldn’t! And Kara actually made me more resilient to cringeyness, like now we’re watching movies with my brother i can actually watch the embarrassing parts while he leaves the room XD; and by monday i was already practising drawing them in class with my friend watching with a smug look hahahaha . I think the first i started to draw was Jyushi actually. I just loved him! But it was Kara the one that stuck. 

Ahh... this actually made me really happy, good times and good memories *wipes tear*

And sander sides... actually i found it through vine videos on youtube. I would watch compilations to laugh on my free time and then through recomendations i found the video with Virgil and Roman talking Disney movies and i was hooked. I mean, Thomas is just a wonderful being, cute, sweet, and hilarious af, and this was DISNEY MOVIES CONSPIRACIES, and i have anxiety, so it caught me right away and went to look for other videos with Anxiety there and well. It made my like happier. Seriously. 

Just like the rest of fandoms i havent seen any of it in a long time! I know there’s a new video, it’s been out fora while, but i never got around to watch it, and to be honest, i’m actually avoiding all these things, cause i want to truly enjoy them and be able to draw and write and just be around everything and i know i won’t be until i’m done with this year, so i’d rather get up to date with everything once i feel at ease enough to do so.

Anyway, sorry for the long reply hahaha, and thank you sooo much for your ask, it actually just made my day!

[secretsideofme95]

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15. 

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve. 

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family,  that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day. 

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore,  nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that. 

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late. 

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do. 

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ... 

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

[davidnegrizzle]

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

I worked at Target for the majority of my adult life. I was hired in October 2009 when I was 19 years old. I started as a truck unloader/stocker and worked about 12 laughable hours a week. My paychecks never cracked past $300. I didn’t care. I was 19 and still living with my parents who didn’t charge rent. All my income was pocket money. I worked mainly Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Every Tuesday and Thursday I spent what little money I made at Disneyland with my friend Val. We were a mess and half. At one point I even received a call from Chase inquiring about suspected fraud. They wanted to know if I was really spending every Tuesday and Thursday at Disneyland. The female disembodied voice over the phone told me she was jealous when I confirmed and wished me a great day.

Something happened to me at Target, though. I found my footing at Target. I grew and matured. Through changes in management and learning about myself and my faults, I started to get recognized for my talents. Four years after getting hired I took a promotion. It was the best decision and the worst decision I have made in my career.

Being a supervisor allowed me to use my problem solving skills, it changed the pace at which I worked, and it taught me even more skills— skills that my friends, who were barely graduating from college, were trying to acquire.

Target inadvertently also pushed me to go back to school. Through some miscommunication and misunderstanding between my manager and mentor, who was also named David, I received an abysmal yearly review. I went home that day, applied to a community college, and my life has never been the same since (I will be receiving my Bachelor of Arts this upcoming school year. The review was also corrected.)

My favorite part about being a supervisor was being an advocate for my team members. I cared for my team members on a personal level. They weren’t machines who needed to push Target’s insipid RedCard and its paltry benefits. I refused to coach and write up cashiers who didn’t push the RedCard. In fact, I did the opposite. Whenever a cashier would tell me that another executive leader was going to talk to them about not getting any RedCard applications, I would inform the cashier that the executive technically couldn’t. I would show the cashiers their core roles and point out to them that the core roles stated that the cashier should inform the guest about the benefits of the RedCard, not that the core roles required a quota of RedCard applications. A technicality.

Team members also learned to trust me in ways they didn’t trust the other leadership team. I learned about their issues at work, at home, and was even able to help transfer a team member to a warehouse, which is a very difficult thing to do.

Because of the 2013 data breach Target experienced, I suspect, Target restructured and began to clean house. They liquidated their highest paid executive team and hired young kids fresh out of college. At the time that I quit, at 27 years old, I was older than the store manager, the assets protection manager, and the same age as the human resources and sales floor managers. And these last two were the ones to fuck me over the worst.

I had a previous relationship with the human resources manager. She was once an hourly team member just like me. Together, more or less, we rose through the ranks. We grew up with the company together. When she promoted, she became brand new. I learned this a little too late. I learned that this new person, the one that got promoted, was not the girl I had fallen in love with, who I believed to be caring and special. I wont insult her here, but I still send her negative energy when I think of her. Because the store was underperforming, the district managers were looking for the explanation. The executive team, rather than questioning themselves, their daily three to five hour lunches in the back offices, their disgusting actions and improper communication processes with the hourly team, or the fact that they worked five to six hours a day even though their position called for ten hours a day, blamed the hourly team members for the state of the store.

I was one of those blamed.

I went from an “effective leader” to a “trouble performer.” My work center’s hours were reallocated to a different work center, my team members’ hours were reduced, and were expected to finish daily tasks while servicing customers. And although I was considered a “trouble performer,” I was expected to fill both the Cafe team lead and the guest services team lead positions. When it came time to yearly reviews, I was expected to finish reviews for the 25+ team members.

The sales floor executive, who was my manager, was the most disgusting person I have ever met in my life. He berated team members and hurled personal insults at them. One of my proudest moments was giving one of the team members this guy verbally abused a pep talk. The executive found it appropriate to tell him that this team member was the laziest guy he had ever met, that he was slow and didn’t do things right. The team member, who was actually hard working and provided amazing customer service, attempted the squash the entire situation. He reached out his hand and offered a handshake to the executive. The executive looked at his hand and walked away. During my pep talk with the team member I reminded him how amazing he was. He cried. He thanked me. He asked for a hug. It completely broke my heart to see him so down that I, a person who would usually cringe at the idea of hugging anyone, wanted to hug him back.

I began to become stressed as HR and the sales floor exec began the process of writing me up. I would cry for no reason. When my sister told me she was moving out, a happy occasion as she was moving in with her boyfriend and starting a life with him, I began to cry. Once, as I drove home, my favorite song on my iPod came on. I cried so hard I considered pulling over to the side of the freeway because of how blurred my vision became because of the tears. I got stress acne.

The day I quit was difficult. After 7 years, almost 8, Target had become my second home. The team members became my family. We always promise to keep in touch in situations like this, but I knew that this would be the end. I’m a Virgo. I’m realistic about life. And I never keep in touch.

After signing my resignation papers and holding back the tears, I said goodbye to one of my team members. She began to cry. She hugged me and thanked me. She said she didn’t know what she would do without me. She thanked me for helping her when her mother passed away.  And then my favorite guest services team member sought me out when she heard (this news always travels like wildfire). She was almost my strongest advocate and supporter. I thank God and the Universe for her. I still send her positive energy when I think of her. She always offered me advice when I needed it and a kind ear.

When I left the building, I turned around and looked back at what my life had been for the past 7-8 years. A bit dramatic, but it felt right. In the United States, our jobs and careers become part of our identity. It is one of the first questions we ask strangers. How could it not? At 40 hours a week, we see the people we work with more than some family members and friends. Target was an extension of who I was, my psyche.

As it is, I still have unresolved feelings, even now almost two years since I quit. I am angry at how disposable I was. I am angry at how I was treated. But, more importantly, I am angry at myself for giving so much of myself to the company. I gave up holidays, birthdays, special events just to be inconsequential, disposable chattel.

I did a short stint at an Amazon warehouse after quitting, but it didn’t work out. I have been unemployed since.

On Tuesday, I was hired at a major inventory company, and received my first day of training on Thursday. It was at a Sears. As I walked the sales floor, the shiny white linoleum reflecting the unforgiving fluorescent lights above, I experienced something I can only describe as an out-of-body deja vu. I followed my trainer through the sales floor, to the training room, at the same quick pace I used to get from one end of Target to the next. I was taken back to the things I loved most about Target. It felt good to be at a store again as something other than a customer.  I suppose I’m one of those strange people who genuinely enjoys customer service. I was surprised at myself as I put one foot in front of the other by the sensation I was feeling. I quickly pushed the feeling aside. I was not going to cry in front of strangers, my trainer, and the other person training with me.

I don’t know why I felt that way. Perhaps my subconscious mind was reminding me of my reacquired independence (I’ve been living off my student loans and my blessed sister.) Perhaps it provided the closure I’ve been in search of since I resigned. Perhaps it just felt good to be useful again. I don’t know what it was, but I welcome it. Incidentally, I won’t be giving so much of myself to this company. I will not allow it to consume me, usurp me.

I have lived my life backwards. When my friends went off to college, I began working in earnest. Now that they have graduated and have gained their careers (a dietician, a high school English teacher, an administrator at a bilingual middle school in Mexico), I am nearing the crossroads of my future. From the ages of 27 till now, I have been forced to find myself again. To find my identity. I write about my Saturn Return phase comically, but the truth is that this has been the hardest three years of my life. I look at how successful my friends and family are and wonder whether that will be me. The Virgo quickly shuts me up and reminds me that, of course it will be. As hyper critical of myself as I am, I also know how amazing I am. It comes off as arrogant, but I don’t care.

I. Am. Amazing.

I don’t believe things happen for a reason. That is insulting to the people who face some real shit in their lives. But when I look back I see that every moment of my life, every decision I’ve made, has led me here. When I graduate, I will chase my dreams in earnest. I will be unstoppable. I am amazing.

My entire life I have always followed the beat of my own drummer. Sometimes he plays a wonderful tune. Sometimes he’s off beat. And sometimes the mother fucker is playing a tambourine instead. But I dance along. He’s lost his drumsticks at the moment, but I’m still dancing. I wont stop. It’s what I do. Plus, in a world where Donald Trump is president, anything is possible.

[weekendsabo]

Journal - Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

What a weird night last night. It wasn’t so much weird as it was I was sober. I wanted to drink so bad, but I did good. I did get to the point where I just wanted to be home and not talk to anyone. I was J&T and N&S and just didn’t have the energy to talk to them. It was great seeing Eric and Tony. They have a show on the 19th that I’ll go too. Hangout with the folks till the show so I don’t have to come all the way home, but I don’t know what happened. Maybe I was looking forward to seeing Luna that I just made me not want to be there. Then the ride home I was just bummed. Thoughts of killing myself started popping up and that hasn’t happened in a long time. I was even thinking about hoe I would do it and how I could do it and not have my family find me. It was bad. I’m fine now, but maybe it was cause I wanted to drink so bad it just and not having one just ruined it. It cause I should have just stayed home. The Quacks were cool, and Beemaster as well, but I think its only cause I was sober. If I couldn’t have brought the week it would have be better.

Cont on 10/28

So I have Ty down for dinner on Friday. Probably Melca as well. Once I hear from James and Tsvet then I can figure if I need to invite someone else. I still want to invite her. I would say something like: Hey, I don’t mean to bug you, but I’m having a couple friends over for dinner on Friday and I was wondering if you want to join us. I’m making pierogies and I can make some vegan ones no problemo. I invited James and Tsvet, but I haven’t heard back, but I’m thinking around 7pm for dinner and possibly we’ll play some board games. Let me know! Something like that. maybe soy something along the lines of I really hope you can make it.

Cont on 10/26

I realized on the way home from work today that I still have like half the year to fill out this month. Right no I have 158 days left to fill in 17 days. Still doing good at 6 a day technically 7 if you count the day I have to write. I got this! Left overs are delicious. I sliced up some potatoes with jalapenos and roasted them up and its delicious! It’s almost like a weird form of Irish nachos! Plus the actually tortilla chops. It’s great. And I did good and didn’t over eat today. Maybe intermittent fasting is the way to go. I get to binge eat but its no a couple times a day. Like usual. Who would have thought potatoes on potatoes would be so good! I want to do like a roasted pepper hummus I could always so garlic, but I feel that’s easy. or maybe I’ll just do one. I just don’t know. Well, I asked her (Luna). Lets see if she replies. Probably won’t. I do not have my hopes up. It’s whatever. I want to say that I wont care and just move on but I know if I see her and she i s excited to see I will gall right back into it.

Cont on 10/25

Well, she replied. Which is cool. Hopefully this all works out! I think it will. Worst comes to worst it’ll be Ty and Melca and just J&T can’t make it, I will invite some more people. I’m excited. It would be so cool to play that show. I’ll make a group message tomorrow morning and see if its something that can actually happen. James and Tsvet cannot make. I wish I would have known about Vivian’s party cause I would much rather do that. But with out drinking it would be tough. I would do alright though. Just have to be more open like I am after a few drinks. Loosen up, I can be just as fun sober. I know I can. But it would be so nice to spend some time with her. I think I would. If Ty happens to ail by Friday. I’ll hit up James and see if he wouldn’t mind seeing if I would go to the party. Either way. This month is shaping up to be a good one. Minus the bear. Tera Melos Saturday. Hola Mons Monday. I’ll probably skip the Guitar thing. Wait. That’s a different week i think? Then maybe I’ll play a show with BTU on the 21st

Cont on 10/24

I’m dedicated to getting a home gym. I will get an exercise bike and weights and just work out everyday. After the New Year. I’ll get Neal back to the gym. I’ll have it be my bike day? or do pull ups and other things I can’t do at home. I just can’t wait to lose this weight. 209 this morning. Well see what its at tomorrow. I did good. I don’t know how much I ate, but I feel it was under 1500 for sure. I should be under 209 tomorrow. I will eat breakfast and no lunch. Then the same dinner, but just one potato tomorrow. I should definitely be under 200 by NYE. Just take it easy. I’ll make the quinua salad for lunch next week with some fresh veggies. Dinner will be I don’t know, but it will be healthy. Gotta take it easy on the pizza for sure. Once a month type thing. Its just sooooo good. I’ll do a double batch the sauce and freeze some. Maybe I’ll do a meat but with the ground meat I have. Maybe. I don’t know. I do know I should have been better with writing in this. It may take longer than this month to finish it, but no matter where I’m at I will start a new planner after new years.

Cont on 10/23

I wonder if I can make stuffed bell peppers with tofu/mushrooms/veggies. I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes. I feel it needs a fat. Maybe use coconut oil? I will start my sour dough starter next week for sure. If I start it when I said I would I would be swimming in sour dough bread. I kind of hope Luna doesn’t make it, then I don’t have to do it all vegan. I’ll do a cheesy periogi with bacon and onion sauce, and if its just the three of us I’ll invite Lil’B and Austin and Faith tomorrow and see if they are down. I wouldn’t mind at all if they come over. I’m just kidding. I do hope Luna will make it and crash here. Fridge need to be cleaned. I’ll clean the bathroom and do some laundry tomorrow. I really need to start writing neater to be able to read this later. Laying down and writing just doesn’t work.  Puck up the living room and dining room and that’ll be good. I wish I could easily wash this blanket just in case. I need to clean out this laptop and fix this stupid virus. I may bet this bear off. Maybe I do like it. And my hair is looking good as well.

[myinnerletters]

28/10/20

I dont know why I’m crying, or why tears rush out of me like from a well from within thats been wiaing to purge all day. yesterday was good, today has felt weird, i dont know.

I hate depending on people, and waiting to hear back. I hate feeling like my life has been put in the throws of a limbo temporarily whilst i wait to hear back about this hire. I’ve been working so hard toward this date, till the 5th of november, Melbourne is free as of today and i stayed in side all day and studied. I need to buy hayfever medication so i can go outside. I need to not be so confined by this room.

Im still so nervous. And scared. That we wont be able to stay out of lockdown. Of seeing my friends nad people again.I miss my family, ive felt so on the outer having been down here in melbourne and so far awayI dont really know why im so sad but i feel stressed.

I have taught 10 different people on mat, i have taught 4 poeple on reformer all with varying health concerns and health issues and ive managed to make them move and feel good and empowered. I managed to feel yesterday like i had come along way. LIke exercises that I had been working at which had been hard and challenging and felt like my body was against me had started to move. i had made progress. This is the most active ive been since i left uni. I’ve moved my body almost every day and listened to when it needs to rest. I dont know if im just fighting against it.

I’ve worked on this dream for so long. I want it to go so well. I want to be able to see myself out there teacihing and qualified. Ive been working on this for so long.I dont know why my default is doubt. Or hatred or anger. Im a hard worker. I know a lot more than i give myself credit for.

Im so hot right now and overheating. I feel overwhelmed and just want to complete this exam and know i did that. That i suceeded with one thing in 2020. LIke i can make an income and find some structure for myself. Everythng has been turned on its head and even though were out of this lockdown i still find myself scared and nervous and too scared to be able to get back out there again.

Maybe im putting too much pressure on this exam. And on myself for expecting so much for myself. I go back to treating myself like im dumb and i gotta cram this stuff 3/4 times a day. THis mentaility which makes me more stressed and scared and crazy. I feel so out of control and untethered. I dont know what i want. I just want to feel normal and happy and not like this person with no structure or goals or things that they can work towards. I just wanna feel like a success. I wanna see November 5th and nail it. I wanna feel like i know what to do and feel empowered.

im over feeling so self destductive and disempowered. Im over giving space to other peoples emotions and experiences. I’m over feeling so terrible and shitty and unhinged and like i cant take control of something. 

I know i did this course. I paid for every scent. I have spent almost every day since June working on this. I don’t want the added stress of this exam leaving. It was supposed to be this friday. It’s only a week difference. I would have had a little bit more time, but also no reformer. I have one reformer course under my belt. I still have 7 days. I have 7 days but im stil very much at risk of burning out if i keep going, which i have been since monday. WHich means ill have worked for 10 days in a row on this by the exam. I dont know how to take breaks or allow myself the time to calm without a voice in my head telling me i gotta go go go . Or what? why have i fought so hard against taking up space for me. I take up public space. I use my voice. Why am i not great at taking up space for myself and taking care of myself. I can’t keep doing that to myself for the rest of my lifetime. It’s too tiring.

I just dont know how to work through all this. I have noam in my life who ist here for me and it is so overhwelming. BEcause i dont know how to share that with him. I’ve been the person who looks out for me. WHo takes care of me. i just want to fall asleep and sleep through the night and feel rested

[ask-joeydrewstudios]

((this is like half-fic half-rambling below the cut lol have fun))

With the studio's many exits, a few axes, and Wally's knack for lock-picking I don't imagine it easy for someone to successfully trap everyone in by simply locking or barring the doors. Soo I took a more natural approach to the situation - a snowstorm. A massive snowstorm. We are talkin' more than three feet of snow on the ground when everyone tries to leave, and there's no way in hell people can drive or walk anywhere. It's hard to just get the studio doors open with as much snow is piled up against them, and the cars in the parking lot are practically buried. Some people live within walking distance of the studio, but the wind is bone-chillingly cold and the snow... seriously, who tries to walk anywhere in over three feet of snow and there's still more snow coming down?? Most people didn't need Joey to decide "nope, none of you are leaving" for them. Most. Five or six people, Wally included, seriously consider their chances out there for at least the first hour before realizing the storm's only getting worse and they could easily freeze to death on their way home. These same people are the ones that panic the hardest, Wally has a fear of being trapped places and this situation is hell for him. He talks a lot when he's anxious so he tries to talk to people to calm down, but with how much and how fast he talks as well as how everyone else is tense as hell they quickly snap at him to go somewhere else. From there he anxiously paces around the studio looking for things to occupy himself with, he even does things he's been putting off for weeks like fixing broken or leaky pipes and patching up weird bits of the studio just so he can try to get his mind of being trapped. The good news is, he got through his entire to-do list by midnight. The bad news is, he got through his entire to-do list and continued to panic for another forty minutes before passing out from exhaustion in a closet. He stayed there 'till the next morning, after which he was one of the few who went out to try to clear the parking lot and nearby sidewalks. He was absolutely thrilled to be able to finally get home.

Speaking of people who panicked way too hard, upon hearing he was going to be stuck in the studio overnight with people he (mostly) hates and no food other than bacon soup, Sammy immediately locked himself in his office and drank the entire bottle of whisky he secretly kept in his desk. That was only there for emergencies, like "everything's gone to shit, this is the worst day ever, I need a drink" kind of emergencies, and even then he only takes a shot - this is an apocalyptic scenario to him. Down the whole bottle. Its better than trying the god-awful soup, anyway. He gets wasted to the point of almost forgetting why he was still in the studio at 8 PM, and falls asleep at his desk. Susie and Bendy both knocked on his door a few times to try to talk to him, but he was out cold at that point. Nobody saw him until almost noon the next day, going through what was easily the worst hangover of his entire life. He almost never drinks that hard, and when he does he usually regrets it - he had no regrets, not even when he had an absolutely splitting headache and was throwing up in the bathroom.

And then there was Susie... oh god, poor Susie. She tried to stay optimistic at first, telling her coworkers that It wont be so bad! and We'll be able to get home fine in the morning! Except, she’d already had a rough week and was worn out at six when everyone was told they were staying the night. Forcing optimism only wore her down more, and at the two hour mark she was losing her mind. She was known to be cheery and determined and an all around pleasant person to be in the room with, and seeing her slowly descend into a paranoid madness did not help anyone feel better. A few other still somehow optimistic employees tried to tell her what she was telling everyone else earlier, but she snapped at them and ran off. It's not like anyone was getting work done, its not like she could go occupy herself by working. She got some coffee from the break room hoping to stay awake in case things got better and they could leave later that night, but there was no such luck. Instead, she anxiously sat around in the break room for a while before deciding to grab her coat and go fall asleep for the night near Sammy's office door. She expected to be laughing over this with him in the morning? What she got was not seeing him until 11:30 the next day, he's a mess, and she's trying to help him through his hangover. When they were all finally allowed to go home around 1PM Joey didn't trust him to get home by himself and, knowing they were friends, told her to go with him. He was too much of a tired mess to protest, so she did. He only lived four blocks away from the studio but she ended up staying at his place for another few hours and didn’t get home until nearly 5PM.

The toons through this entire scenario weren't quite sure what everyone was so worried about. They stayed the night here every night, they lived here, it wasn't so bad! I mean, sure they had beds and actual living spaces here, but surely people can get by one night without that stuff right? ...Okay, maybe not. The studio's wooden chairs and old desks were anything but comfortable. People also had these things called families and pets that they were worried about, and some people who lived alone just didn't want to be stuck at their work place for longer than they had to be. Bendy thought people were overreacting through most of it, but Boris and Alice didn't like seeing their coworkers and friends so distressed. They decided to offer entertainment and laughs to employees who were taking the situation especially hard, and they were the only ones working hard through the night to make sure people kept as calm as possible. It's what they do best, after all - entertaining people. It's quite literally what they were made for. They kept up comedy acts and musical performances until nearly everyone had found somewhere to fall asleep, at which point they decided to get some sleep themselves. While their acts the previous night had brought ease to some, most people were in such sour moods the next morning they couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge the toons' existence, so they decided to stay to their own devices until everyone left.

Henry and Joey are the two that were the least affected by this mess. Henry's used to spending long nights at the studio, and he's used to waking up at his desk because he dozed off somewhere in the night. He also lives alone, so there's no one worried sick over him at home. This whole situation isn't too unfamiliar to him. I mean, ideally he would like to not be stuck in this place with everyone in such bad moods, but as long as he keeps to his corner people shouldn't really bother him right? He went back to business as usual for a few hours, got tired, put his desk as horizontally as it would go and fell asleep without much of a problem. Business as usual. He also would have preferred to not have bacon soup and coffee for breakfast the next day, but he had forgotten to eat the previous night so he didn't complain.

Joey kept himself in his office for the entire night, the only times his door opened was to the toons and even then they were told to come and go as little as possible. He didn't want anyone realizing he had a stocked kitchen, a bed, the usual cozy stuff you might find in an apartment that you wouldn't find in an animation studio. He wasn't exactly worried people would overrun his office, but he knew a few people who would be rightly pissed if they found out and probably wouldn't let him hear the end of it. He's not too sure how people didn't just ASSUME this to be fact from the beginning since most people know he lives out of his office, but he wasn't going to question it because as soon as he did someone would conveniently figure it out. He didn't like having to keep everyone locked in the studio overnight, but given how bad the storm was and how he knew he'd feel bad if something happened to someone because he let them walk out the door he didn't let it keep him up that night. He was more than happy to let everyone home the next afternoon once people's cars were uncovered and the roads and sidewalks weren't under four feet of snow anymore. Few people were supposed to work that weekend, but he closed up the studio after everyone left and made sure they knew nobody had to come back until Monday.

People feared snowstorms for years after this, some people even left early if it started snowing heavily, but thankfully they never had a storm that bad again.