#without the stress of being perceived as the wrong gender...

[bogkeep]

i think the one thing that makes me feel the most autistic forever is Fashion. it's difficult to describe how, because i think i have a decent grasp on Character Design - like i have a sense for what *i* think looks cool!! and i'm sure i'm swayed by trends just as much as anyone, like i have a distinct memory of suddenly being Really Into Purple as a teen, and i thought it was just a thing i had discovered by myself but it was actually a year when purple was a really trendy color and they were selling cute purple clothes everywhere. i can rummage through my old clothes and recognise that wow, these pieces are heavily reminiscent of the early 2010s. sure!!!!

but when people talk about Fashion it's greek to me. 95% of the time i am presented with a picture of allegedly Bad Fashion i cannot understand what's wrong. we make fun of the way people dressed ten years ago but if ten years ago could aee how we dress today they'd be laughing at us?? and it's really so anxiety inducing to consider i might have zero self awareness about whether i dress ok or like a clown in other people's eyes, so i have no choice but to own it. my understanding of Dressing Good is finding pieces that are comfortable on your body and look flattering to you, whatever that might mean.

idk i just feel like an alien that can't understand earth language but i'm doing my very best to pick up on words as i go along

[vegantinatalist]

why do you think "wrong body feeling" is related to autism/adhd?

-some autism spaces are seeing such a massive amount of autistic children being harmed by gender ideology that they are finally speaking up and determining that autistic kids need to be protected https://ovarit.com/o/GenderCritical/620071/evidence-based-autism-they-ve-gone-gender-critical

-we know that doctors who are giving gender affirming surgeries are making absolute obscene bank, this is a multibillion dollar industry, we have seen their discussions with eachother where its clear their goal is to make as much money as possible and to get people on whatever treatments take the longest and cost the most. they have full incentive to manipulate as many people as possible into believing this will help them and the most manipulatable people are children, scared parents, and some neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses.

-personal/anecdotal, but when i was a kid there was a school i didnt go to but my friend did and i visited once. it was almost entirely populated with autistic students and every single one of them used neopronouns or believed they were trans and it was very cultlike, it was weird how the school practically only accepted these types of kids and i think they were either trying to protect these kids or were grooming them to follow gender ideology religiously. they even had breaks mid class where they would talk about it daily. every trans person ive ever met was autistic and ive met many -i have multiple autistic family members and i know a lot about what they experience. autistic people often experience discomfort just 24/7 in general, often without them being able to tell exactly what it is. all kinds of sensory things can bother them. being unable to communicate/being misunderstood is a common thing as well. being perceived also seems to be very stressful for them in general, even if they arent abused when young. i have watched with my own eyes how they tried to cope with this across their lifetimes. ive seen them as children trying to explain it by claiming they actually must be dogs or aliens. ive seen them as adults putting their complete faith in all manner of random bs explanations in hopes it will bring them understanding and salvation from their unending discomfort and feelings of isolation and being misunderstood. it is not at all difficult to imagine an autistic youth or adult stumbling into gender ideology and being convinced that transitioning is the answer. much of this also applies to adhd and sufferers of cptsd who are struggling to gain a sense of control over their bodies and mind after being terribly abused.

Im not saying all people who identify as trans are autistic/adhd and im not saying autism/adhd being the cause of something means it doesnt exist. im just saying i think for MANY trans people the root of gender dysphoria is actually just related to their neurodivergence and there are better ways to treat it.

Another example of a similar situation, is eating disorders and bpd. We know pw bpd are very likely to have eating disorders and a common thing you get educated on when you are learning about how to help ppl with bpd or eating disorders, is that you should first find out if they are neurodivergent in some way and get them treatment for that first. its like step #1. or if you know they have bpd, TREAT THE BPD FIRST and dont fixate on the eating disorder, and likely not only will the eating disorder be relieved but the laundry list of other issues related to bpd will get better as well. this is a huge problem with bpd- it often comes with so many other behavioral issues and physical pains that people get distracted and never treat the root problem. i think the same thing is going on here with autism/adhd and gender fixation. its a very similar thing. "my body is wrong, i must do these harmful things because, although it hurts, it hurts more to do nothing". but there is a third option. and people are not considering it, theyre going backwards and considering this third option offensive/an attack. understandable, because a lot of people are religious self righteous pricks and act severely smug about telling others they know whats best for them. i consider those people just as much a part of this problem, so i want yall to know i dont think anyone has any right to force any specific treatment on you or deny you the right to do what you think is best for you. this is just my experience and my advice and the warnings i want to give, especially about these doctors. and im also here on this blog to say that while it is your right to do what you want to do with your own body, it isnt your right to violate sex segregated space rules, those are womens rights that i want to defend. your rights end where others rights begin etc etc.

[unwelcome-ozian]

10 symptoms of religious trauma

The effects of religious trauma can be life-altering and long-lasting. Common signs and symptoms include:

Self-hatred Some religious movements rest on the idea that some people are inherently evil, untrustworthy, or unworthy of love. Others elevate certain identities over others, leading to marginalization, discrimination, and oppression. This may result in low self-esteem, depression, self-harm, or suicidal ideation.

Shame Shame occurs when you equate a negative action with who you are as a person. Many unhealthy religious communities use shame as a way to influence and control others. Instead of learning to accept responsibility for their mistakes and extending forgiveness to themselves and others, people in shame-based religions often learn to cover up or deny anything that could be considered wrong by their community.

Perfectionism Some religious communities may identify certain actions or behaviors as indicative of a person’s moral value, and they may promote certain careers or types of families as spiritually superior. This can result in perfectionism, which is often accompanied by high levels of anxiety and stress, as well as the setting of unrealistic goals.

Hypervigilance Some religions paint a picture of a vindictive god who punishes people whenever they fall short. Others promote apocalyptic ideas and suggest that a violent end to the world is nigh. These ideas may lead to heightened levels of anxiety resulting in hypervigilance: a constant state of anxiety meant to protect a person from perceived or actual threats of harm.

Difficulty with making decisions Many who experience religious trauma are accustomed to making decisions in the context of a certain doctrine and/or hierarchy. If they choose to change their relationship with these institutions or leave them entirely, they may struggle with autonomy and making their own decisions.

Loss of community For many, religion provides community. If a person changes or leaves their faith, they may lose contact with many friends, family members, and acquaintances. 

Some people who leave their religious community may experience a season of loneliness and isolation. It can be intimidating to rebuild a community, especially if people outside their faith were often labeled evil or inferior.

Lack of boundaries Being part of a religious community often means accepting some amount of feedback regarding how you live your life. Many faith communities also have expectations for volunteering and service. 

These can be considered healthy aspects of religion, as long as boundaries are clear and respected. When boundaries are blurred or nonexistent, a person may struggle to find their identity without input from others. They may also have a hard time saying no to certain tasks or prioritizing self-care.

Delayed social milestones Purity culture is a religious concept that focuses on ideas about gender, sexuality, sex, virginity, marriage, and procreation. Religions that rely heavily on purity culture may scrutinize or monitor children’s social interactions and segregate kids based on their assigned sex. In these contexts, LGBTQIA+ people in particular may not have the chance to experience social milestones, such as first dates or kisses, until adulthood. This delay can be frustrating, and some people who had overly restricted lives as teenagers may make impulsive or reckless decisions as adults once they leave their religious communities.

Sexual dysfunction Religions that overemphasize purity culture may not prepare their followers for healthy sex lives, even in the context of marriage. 

Many people who struggle with religious trauma practice abstinence until marriage and may feel dirty or guilty when engaging in sex. People from religious backgrounds that preach traditional gender roles may struggle to confront realities about desire, drive, and performance that don’t align with what they learned. Some religions teach about sex in a way that centers obligation instead of consent, resulting in unhealthy, harmful, or even criminal sexual behaviors.

Mental health disorders Religious trauma can cause, contribute to, or otherwise worsen mental health disorders. Commonly associated mental illnesses include:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) Depression Anxiety Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) Eating disorders Addiction

[hopefulnightlady]

141 Nsfw Headcannons four, smut galore

(gender neutral)

Part one(Price): here

Part two(Soap): here

part three(Gaz): here

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So yeah here is the last part. As always, have fun if u disagree well. Tell me so i can tell you how wrong you are ^-^. Remember i made these out of sheer frustration at the prevalent characterisations. If you like super duper dark evil murder monster Simon 9000, you will not like this. Respectfully, go back to booktok🥰

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Spoicy stuff under the cut, folks!

Same as price with the issues of separating his job and the sort of violence kinky sex brings

I mean he literally has a murder fursona (ghost) to cope with existing and to separate it from himself

(going to give you a sec here to digest murder fursona)

probably suuuper quiet (internalized toxic masculinity says he's not allowed to enjoy things)

he would not be good at communicating in general

If you manage to get into his heart, and you must've if you're in his bed, he's probably trying very very hard for you about everywhere else

but this stuff? emotional intimacy, especially when mixed with physical intimacy? nope, not even on his list

you'd have your work cut out for you

To not only shit on Ghost, here is a non-exhaustive list of stuff that he's good at/with

following direction (if you say 'just like that' he does. just. that.) not in a ‘sub’ way, just in a ‘good at following orders’ sort of way

actually, maybe a little bit in a sub way (hehe subway), not super kinky just.... wants to make Sure you're happy?

nice dick, big but not wayyy to big, and he doesn't think it makes him magically amazing at sex

loves giving head👍 doesn't matter your bits, if you like it, he will

the murder stare is pretty hot in the bedroom (especially when being given head)

he actually gets better at the genuine vulnerability stuff with time.

and oh, he tries. sooo. hard. and it's obvious

Bonus, because it's not talked about nearly enough:

-He’d have ED (erectile dysfunction) issues. It's very likely at least one of them would, and mr skullmask flavor ptsd is my prime candidate

-it wouldn't be constant, and not anything like a medical issue, mostly just stress, abd performance anxiety, and well, the trauma

-He would hate himself PROFOUNDLY for it. I wish he didn't, but he would.

-Esp with his issues about talking about his feelings, i think you'd not even know until like. Wayyyy into the relationship

Totally the type of guy ro manage to hide it for yearsss

-perhaps you finding out (and better NOT CARING!!!) helps with the anxiety surrounding the topic for him, which in turn might soothe the symptoms are little

Aftercare:

he didn't even know such a thing existed until he randomly read on google about it (only AFTER the conversation about emotional intimacy and communication during sex was had)

And now he helps you clean up, and brings you a snack and water, and generally does everything he thinks might help you feel safe and happy

Still doesn't do much actual... talking. But the actions speak for themselves, and he's really trying

once the cleanup/snack is concluded, he will Cuddle you. Because he quickly learned skin to skin is important after Sex

For precisely 15 minutes, that is, after that he starts to get antsy, needing some time with No one Perceiving him.

(yes, it's pretty precisely 15 minutes. But!!! he already did 1 whole Sex with you, plus the cuddling? that's rough, bud)

would probably shower, or smoke, some small excuse for time alone and then come back, sit with you, or go to bed with you, or generally be close without too excessive touching

Bye bye folks, that's it!

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[lazlolullaby]

Intersex Terry Mcginnis

Because I've seen fantastic non-binary Terry from @theycallme-ook and their series, I've seen this gorgeous transmasc Terry from this fic, crown of neon, and @jasontoddssuper with their transfem Butch Terry agenda and hot damn is it great.

(btw using he/him for Terry because that's what the show did.)

Whatever he is, he cisn't.

This is all in the name of trying to incorporate the VERY late game (I truly mean last episode with him ever so it never impacts any other plot just a wrap up theme and thesis statement on Heroism) twist and have it inform his whole - teenage attitude and everything.

so. uh. let's dive.

General warning for intersexism, queer phobia, messing with gender and such. Divorce. Cadmus manipulating people. The violation of consent that's inherent in making someone give birth to and raise a child designed to be a legacy vigilante without them knowing.

Genetic alteration isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It's DNA testing, it's virus loads and constant correction, it's incorporating extra violet genes into flowers and them rejecting them completely and going blank white.

I know it's the DCAU, with Manbat being the first episode, animal chimeras being created all throughout but, fantastic science that let the plot move but. It was the 90s and the early 2000s. on our side the human genome project started in 1985, was partially complete in 2003, and only fully completed in 2022! Cadmus is cutting it close.

there's a lot of room for error, here.

The alterations done to Warren's DNA were sketchy at best. Lots of sperm failed after the nano machines got to them. It was difficult for Mary and Warren to conceive, which is why Terry and Matt are so far apart in age. That put stress on their relationship, not including that the kids don't even look like Warren either.

Mary and Warren were very happy that Terry came to term without major problems. He wasn't visibly intersex until he was born, but because it's the Future TM, they ran the DNA to screen for any major disorders. Terry comes out chimera style intersex, with different DNA depending on where you take the sample. His hormones are giving him a mix of traits that make him ambiguous.

((yeah this is specific but shush: Terry can't naturally grow a beard. (Not like he wants to, he's heard his mom complain too many times about his dad's face bristles to be excited about getting his own.) People generally do a double take with him. "I ate my sister in the womb." Is the snappy answer he likes to give. "she left me with some things."))

The Future is a little more forgiving, there's some paperwork and not much pressure for the parents to put him through infant surgery.

And then we get to Matt. Because Terry was difficult, the parents sought out a fertility clinic to get Matt as good a start as possible.

Terry is angry at first, that he's a genetic mess and they had to go to a clinic to get a "real boy". That they tried to have a "good kid" but it couldn't fix their relationship. That even Matt didn't turn out right; A "clerical error" gives Matt an "anonymous donor" as a father instead of Warren.

It's building up with bunch of smaller things - having to explain their gender every so often, being confused with older buildings with split gender bathrooms and teachers treating him different depending on his perceived gender.

It was clear that the grace period ran out. He just - was given an ultimatum. Guy or girl. There's also some manipulation on Cadmus's part - can't be Batman without being a man...right?

and It's Gotham. Having a healthy vision of masculinity is not going to happen. So to protect himself Terry decides to be a Guy. A Real Cool Guy.

But it's not clicking. He's not comfortable. His parents tell him that he can be "whatever kind of man he wants" but that's still vague.

All this gender identity frustration builds up with his general teenage "pushing boundaries" and "parents arguing" leads him to hang with the wrong crowds.

and that's how he lands in juvie. He ends up calming down, putting himself into a box of "reformed good bad boy" and "I'm committing to the bit." and just dealing. Being a man like Warren is trying to teach him and not just...staying an unknown variable.

Now we incorporate Neo Batman and Bruce. Who have a very strict set of rules about what or who Batman is meant to be. And in a way, it's freeing his head to think about who Terry is outside of the cowl. Bruce is also a Queer Elder, he's seen plenty of people work through their identities and he works with Terry to find a label that fits.

That it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that it can change over time.

Experimentation is expected of teenagers. Splicing is a flat no because of his already precarious genetic status. And Terry likes hanging with his girls that are friends and his girlfriend. He does a mean eyeliner too. Terry is a lot happier.

Mary sighs "is this some late teenage rebellion against your father?"

"I...really don't know what he'd think. This isn't a spite thing. But I don't think he did - or you did anything wrong. It just took me some time to get out of my own head and realize."

"Well. You look settled. He'd be proud of you."

"Thanks ma."

[anameistoohard]

Can you be a system with only two alters? Also, can you be one if you start having headmates later in your life?

I often write a character who consists of two headmates, let's call them A (he/him or he/they) and B (it/its or zie/hir). The main problem with calling them a system is the fact that they were seperate people and started sharing a body because of magic. So I'm not sure if calling them a system would be ableist or derespectful.

I also write them to switch pretty fast and I'm afraid it's not accurate.

When A is in charge he is doing the talking while B can hear him and talk to him with its thoughts but not talk aloud itself. Same goes for when B is in charge. Also, both B and A have different walking patterns, facial expressions and slightly different accents, to the point in which A's sister can tell them apart.

So, can I call them a system if they got like this with magic later in their life or would that be disrespectful or ableist?

(Disclaimer: We are not an authority, we're just some person on the internet. And we certainly don't speak for all systems)

Maybe gonna give you a little whiplash from that disclaimer, but yes, absolutely, 100% of the time, a system can have only two alters. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong and you shouldn't listen to them lol.

As for developing a system later in life. That's a little more tricky because I want to paint you a full picture.

From a medical perspective, the most universally accepted theory is that it forms in early childhood in response to trauma and can't form later in life. However, there is no definitive proof that's how systems form, or that it's the only way they can form for that matter.

From a more anecdotal perspective, many people claim their system formed later in life. Some even say they created theirs on purpose.

In my personal opinion, I think the medical community is missing the forest for the trees. After all, autism used to "only effect young boys". And "only dysphoric people could be trans". I think it's absurd to think all those people contradicting the science are wrong when the fact of the matter is that it's still a developing field of study.

I don't see anything wrong with calling them a system. "System" isn't a medical diagnosis, it's a state of being. If they function as a system... then they're a system lol. The only thing I'd maybe be mindful of is how you share your story with people. If you say "This is a story about a system." It's a bit more like "This is a story about a system*..... *Created through magical means."

Kinda like, the difference between a gender bender and a story about a trans person.

Oh! Also maybe avoid calling them alters since they're literally different people, not alternate identity states.

For us, sometimes switches happen without us noticing, sometimes it literally happens in the blink of an eye, but sometimes it takes a few minuets, or even several hours. Fast switching is fine in your story, but if you want to mix things up, maybe make it relatable to more people, don't have them switch the same way every time. Maybe when they're stressed it's harder to switch on command and they need to calm themself down first, or something happens that triggers one of them to front (It doesn't need to be a bad thing, it could be simple like being given B's favorite food causing it to front. Or A hates a song so much he gets pulled to front so he can turn the music off.)

Again, we also can communicate like that and perceive the world "through each other's eyes" (it's called co-con/co-conscious) but sometimes it's harder than others.

Different gaits, facial expressions, and accents are all stuff we have. To us they feel obvious, but no one's commented on the differences except for some words or phrases specific alters use. Most of us can also mask making it even harder for people to tell us apart. I'd imagine your characters would have a hard time masking at first, but maybe with time they could learn to mimic each other's behavior.

...It took long enough to write this we switched part way through ^_^'

[possibilistfanfiction]

"the neoliberal rhetoric of the pronoun (ESPECIALLY in english) as the ultimate form of advocacy" -- it's such a relief to hear your take on ava's thoughts on pronouns bc i've always been frustrated by how limiting they are? how much stress they cause? i know pronouns are important for some folks but also we're so much more than that...

whew like ok i work in dei, mostly for youth (sport, schools, etc) but also doing lgbtq 101 workshops for upper level execs who run big sports orgs, school districts, blah blah, & it's like... people really think that getting someone's pronouns right (or even trying to get someone's pronouns right) is like........ you have done it! u are not transphobic! u understand the nuances of everyone's gender if you use the right pronoun!

& like... i get paid a fair amount of money to lowkey sell out & explain what a pronoun is (lol) but at the same time it is the fucking bane of my existence. i personally hate pronouns. i think they are legitimately so stupid lol. like... to distill the vast nuanced experience of both having a gender identity AND being perceived at all times as a gendered being (which sometimes match & sometimes don't) into a PRONOUN is just baffling to me.

i think cis people (especially those who don't really want to do the work needed to understand what abolition means -- how queerness & especially gender expansive trans identities are a crucial part of the intersection of where that ethic is rooted) just see pronouns as a sort of easy way out. like you're cool with trans people if you can remember someone's they/them pronouns. it's so gross & so deeply tried up in representational politics (diverse oppressors are still oppressors, white supremacy can be present in ethic & politic even without a white person in the room, etc).

& of course like you said pronouns are definitely important to some people (it is always nice to feel seen & respected at the most basic level 🤪) & definitely not at all saying that anyone should like get people's pronouns wrong, obviously, but i just really hate the concept of how my entire experience as a dyke & a person in general has to be reflected to the world at all times in a silly word which is so vastly incomplete. & i genuinely (not anyone's fault!) hate how that can get tied up in my writing, especially my writing about queerness. when ppl rly care abt terms & IDs etc i can understand bc the common messaging is all rooted in neoliberalism & "representation" instead of anti-state resistance, etc, so it's like. okay lol. but i am intentional in the way i write queerness bc of my own ethic & politic, so you know

ANYWAY yes. queerness & transness is so deeply expansive, to make it only about (or mostly about) pronouns is, to me, ethically against what queerness & transness really is, especially if those pronouns are mostly talked about in the context of english. & i would be remiss in saying that using non-normative &/or neopronouns is a privilege rooted in safety. often i don't disclose they/them pronouns bc i just don't want to explain myself, & i deeply do not care, but i'm always protected in a lot of ways by my whiteness (& that i'm educated, able-bodied, cis-passing, employed, etc etc etc). for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons, pronouns aren't safe. being out as trans isn't safe. but that doesn't mean their gender identities are any different or less important or less vital.

so yah ur right sorry this is a rant lmfao & once & for all.... ava is the most anti-state anti-institution character lmao. she genuinely would not give a flying fuck about her own pronouns. god doesn't fit into a pronoun anyway :)

[screambirdscreaming]

#I would add if you don't feel able to shift the actual feelings pretneding is better than nothing#like we're not doing thought crimes#you're not seeing the true person but whatever it's your business in your own head

^see, I would actually disagree. About that being better than nothing. I mean to each their own preference, but for me, someone pretending they're not misgendering me in their head is not a social courtesy, it's just exhausting. And I don't mean that they're doing "thought crimes" or whatever, I don't really feel like that framework has anything to do with it? It just means I'm going to find them stressful and unpleasant to interact with. Like anyone who is misgendering me. And either they are doing well enough at pretending that i would feel fucked up and betrayed if i learned how they actually thought of me, or - infinitely more common! - they're doing juuuust well enough at pretending to respect my gender that I don't have an overt foothold to call them out on the ways they're constantly, persistently misgendering me in tone or implications.

Again, I know that my stance here is not a popular stance. But I really feel like the way pronouns have become a fighting ground of gender acceptance has actually dragged the whole conversation about presentation and perception way off track.

I get how it happened. Pronouns make sense as a point of interface, something you can declare about yourself in an outward-facing way without getting into all the details and intricacies of your gender. "Just call me this please." But it gets into this weird dynamic - assuming the pronouns you've asked for don't match the way the person talking to you is percieving you. The options are basically:

1 ) They refuse to use your pronouns and are overtly a jerk about it. Sucks but also they suck, disregard their opinion.

2 ) They take into consideration that your pronouns indicate that the way they were perceiving you is not right, and put in effort to change their view of you. Which doesn't mean perfect or instant results! There's often a lot of steps forward and back, or those sort of awkward-but-sweet attempts to affirm your gender in ways that don't really match your personality. But like, they're trying. To me the really significant factor is when you can tell that someone is genuinely making an effort to change their perspective, on you or on how gender works at all.

3 ) They change the pronouns they use but not the way they conceptualize you. I think a core piece of the issue is that people act like this is on a continuum with option two. But in my experience it is not. It's a seperate type of effort that people make - ok, to indulge you, to be polite, I'll take this extra pause and change up the words I say. People do this instead of changing how they conceptualize you. And there is some genuine confusion here! Like the breakthrough that OP's mom had was literally realizing that they'd misunderstood the assignment, that they'd focused on the wrong thing. And part of what propagates that confusion is the way people get up in arms about pronoun use as a bottom line, like you have to do at least this much!! And then people make a big production of how hard it is and how you have to appreciate how much effort they're putting into correcting themselves every single time they use your pronouns, because they're sooo committed to indulging you in your weird little gender delusions.

Again, I get that a lot of people experience a lot of distress every time they're misgendered, and getting people to just Stop Saying The Wrong Word is a pressing quality of life issue. But for me, the one thing that I actually care about is for people to stop putting me in a conceptual gender box and treating me accordingly. And what this tends to mean, is that for every single person i meet who is not already deep in queer spheres, I have to go about cracking their tidy little gender concept like a walnut. Did you know there's more options?? Did you know you don't just have to take your gender and suck it up?? Did you know you can stop pulling people down in the gender crab bucket with you?? And in my experience, it is actually a hurdle to my process of getting this point across, if they've already absorbed a narrative that "some silly girls want to be called 'they' so just humor that." Which doesn't do shit for me!

Actually, getting back to the point about thought crime, because I think that's actually relevant to unpick here.

We're not talking about crime in any sense, we're talking about being rude and shitty to people in ways that are unpleasant to interact with. Like many areas of discourse, misgendering has been flattened into incomprehensibility by making the framework one of moral ills and harm, completely cutting out the concept of "rude and unpleasant" which in fact accounts for most of human social friction.

Of course, thinking about someone in a way they wouldn't like doesn't hurt them, and of course it isn't a moral issue! It can still be rude, though, especially if it's someone you know. If you talk to them or treat them in ways that reflect those thoughts, they're justified in finding that really unpleasant, and in not wanting to interact with you. That's not a moral issue either!

Misgendering is an issue with a lot of emotional charge, especially since we're often using it to gauge whether someone means us ill in a more serious transphobic way. And even when it's relatively harmless, it still sucks. That said, I get that it can be genuinely difficult to change how you perceive someone, and that people put a lot of self-doubt and even self-hate on themselves if they're not able to keep up with doing that work. And then, having said that, other people will get frustrated if you offer too much grace on that concept, because they're sick of hearing about how hard it is from people like their parents who they really feel should be putting in that effort towards such a significant relationship in their lives. It's messy!

I don't think it does anyone any good to pretend there's a consistent, universal baseline of "acceptable behavior" where if you meet it, you're clear, and if you don't you're an asshole. Not only does that fail to account for the complexity of social interactions and people's perspectives and needs, it also creates a built-in loophole for any asshole who wants to toe the line of "acceptable" behavior.

It frustrates me to see how much this has happened with pronouns.

[mvrtaiswriting]

How would AOT characters comfort you when you're feeling blue.

Heyy! This is my first work after a while so please be kind! It feels so good to be once again able to write. I hope you will enjoy these little head canons/drabbles! Let me know what you think. Lots of love, Marta. ♡

Gender Neutral!Reader x AOT CHARACTERS (Eren, Armin, Jean, Connie, Mikasa, Sasha)

Attack on Titans (spoiler free) | AU

SFW

Warnings: none

Words count: 1621 altogether

Hi! Are you a new reader? Check my masterlist for more content!

↳tumblr algorithm doesn't count likes as interactions, so my posts wont show up as frequently or as easily, despite the number of likes they receive so please, pleaaaaase leave a comment/or reblog!

Please feel free to reblog or leave a comment :) help me support my art (it’s free!),© bearing in mind everything I post/write is my intellectual property so please don’t steal/copy and paste and post it as yours.

Eren: As soon as he noticed something was wrong, he kissed your forehead and sat down with you on the sofa while wrapping a blanket around you - as if this gesture could make you feel better instantly. And if you had to be honest.. it kind of did; you knew this was Eren's way to remind you that he is - and wants to be - your safe place.

"What's wrong?" he'd simply ask pressing his forehead against yours, his emerald eyes locked on yours, ready to listen to whatever was crowding your mind in that moment. He would patently listen to you, nodding every once in a while just to let you know that he was actively listening to you.

After noticing a tear escaping from your eye, he pulls you into his arms hugging you so tight it almost hurt. He places a soft kiss on the crown of your head, letting you rest on his chest as his arms loosens their grip around your torso, his hands gently following the curves of your body and stopping on your hips.

"I love you." he said, placing another kiss on your head. A soft smile formed on your lips after hearing those words. Eren's face lighted up after seeing your smile, smirking at you before he starts tickling you.

It was only a matter of minutes before your laughter filled the emptiness of the room and a pillow war began.

Armin: Armin had what you'd describe as a sixth sense about you. He just knew when something was wrong before you could even realise it yourself. Your souls were so deeply intertwined that he could just perceive your mood swings - and so could you.

"Do you know that I love you? Deeply, I may add?" he'd say out of the blue, before wrapping his arms around your waist from behind you, his face snuggled in the crook of your shoulder just to leave a soft kiss on your neck.

You'd hum before reminding him that you love him just as much, enjoying the warmth of your boyfriend's body against yours.

"I really am the luckiest man in the world. How did I lend you?" he continued, his lips never losing contact with your skin.

You let out a small laugh, shivering every time Armin's lips touch you. "What is this for?" you'd ask, turning your body in order to face him.

He shrugged his shoulder, smiling at you.

"I just wanted to remind you how much you are loved and that I am so thankful for everyday I get to spend with you. You are the most precious being to ever exist, and I will never stress this enough. I am so lucky to be alive at the same time as you.." he added as his eyes scanned your face as he was trying to remember the smallest detail of your features.

Jean:

Jean would not know how to approach you, at first. He is really goods at hiding his negative emotions despite how passionately instinctive he is. You only saw Jean crying once, and even then, he acted as nothing happened.

"I'm not crying, stop hallucinating." he said, his voice softly shaking as tears silently rolled down his face, trying to keep his composure. He knew you were different, and that scared him. He did not know how to deal with himself, how could he help you without making everything worse?

Your happiness however, is something that Jean valued more than anything else. Your happiness and well-being were his top priorities.

He lied next to you on the bed, slowly lifting up the blankets in which you were hidden. "Peek-a-boo!" he said, letting out a soft laugh. "May I join?" he added, while already sneaking under the covers with you, not really waiting for you to answer.

You were now face to face with Jean, the tip of your noses touching and your breath slowly synchronising with his. He looked at you for a second, cupping your cheek in his hand and gently caressing it by rubbing his thumb on your skin. You enjoyed the warmth of his touch, locking your teary eyes on him. You couldn't bring yourself to talk about what was going on just yet, and you were so grateful for Jean simply being there for you, allowing you to feel every emotion you needed without pressuring you.

Jean's arms were now wrapped around your torso as he slowly pulled you closer to him, letting your head rest on his chest.

"Do you want to make a fort, since we're under the covers?" he asked, leaving a soft kiss on the crowd pf your head. "We could bring the tv in it too, so we can continue watching the show we started the other day?" he added.

You smiled wholeheartedly, lifting your head up to reach his face so that you could leave a passionate yet innocent kiss on his lips.

"Sounds perfect."

Connie:

Seeing you sad was something that really broke Connie's heart. Just like him, you usually were the 'life of the party', so contagiously happy. Connie always thought there was a certain light to you. Seeing you down, not hearing you laugh at your own jokes really devastated him.

"Heyy, what's wrong sunshine?" he'd ask, running an hand through your hair to mess with it. You shrugged your shoulders as you dragged your knees to your chest, becoming so small in your sofa place.

"It's just one of those days." you answered, resting your head on your boyfriend's shoulder. Connie left a small kiss on your forehead, leaving his lips pressed against it while trying to find a way to make you feel better.

This tender moment didn't last for long. You felt Connie's hand travelling down your figure and before you could even realise it, he was tickling your waist.

It was impossible for you to keep from laughing, Connie's fingers running up and down your body tickling you. You tried to defend yourself, almost ending up kicking Connie out of the sofa, tickling his armpits and making fun of how 'smelly' they were. When he finally stopped, you were both laying on the sofa, Connie's figure on top of yours, noses touching as you both breathed heavily trying to recover from the tickling session.

He smiled softly, before kissing your forehead once again.

"I love you. And I love your laugh." he said.

Mikasa: Mikasa knows you like the palm of her hand. She spent an embarrassing amount of time observing you, studying every movement of your body, how the muscles of your faces worked together to draw expressions on your face. She knew exactly how you were feeling just by simply looking at you.

There was nothing more frustrating than the feeling of knowing that there were things she could not control, from which she couldn't protect you from. She hated the sight of you feeling blue, sorrow embracing you.

Mikasa noticed you went out on the balcony in need of some fresh air, watching you from afar before taking a big breath and reaching you outside, carrying her scarf with her. Mikasa walked towards you and stood right next to you, her eyes locked on your figure as you instead watched the horizon, trying to understand what was going on inside your head.

"It's cold here." you said, worrying for her. She nodded in agreement, before wrapping her body leaning on the balcony, placing her hand on your cheek, which was now crimson red because of the chilly air.

"Better now?" she replied, fixing your scarf around your figure. Mikasa slowly grabbed your hand and holding it between hers, trying to warm you.

You nodded, blushing at how caring Mikasa always was.

"Why don't you come inside? The fireplace is on, we can try and defrost you and then you can talk me about what is going on.." she said, leaving a kiss on the back of your hand.

Sasha:

Cheering people up is definitely Sasha's talent. She would have grabbed the sun with naked hands if that was what it was needed for you to feel better.

She stood in front of you, pouting her lips and ask you what was wrong, before giving you an 'Eskimo kiss'. You shook your head smiling, leaving a kiss on her pouted lip.

"It's nothing, really." you'd say, Sasha's golden eyes locked on yours. She shook her head, disagreeing with your words.

"Are you sure?" she asked, sincerely worried about you. You nodded, not really convincing neither yourself nor your girlfriend. She raised on of her eyebrows questioning your answer, before forcing you to get up from where you were sitting and dragging you into the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" you asked whilst sitting on top of the counter as Sasha took ingredients such as self-raising flour and eggs from the cabinet. She shushed you, laughing already at the mess both of you will cause in a second.

"Not only it has been scientifically demonstrated that chocolate improves mood, but making this cupcakes will keep your head busy for a while and it will hopefully make you feel better!" she squeaked, already starting to weight the various ingredients. You laughed watching your girlfriend not only being so thoughtful, but only the messiest cook ever.

You jumped from the counter you were sat on and quickly reached her, saving the milk's bottle from falling on the floor and making a mess. When Sasha noticed, she stained your nose with some flour she already had on her fingertips before continuing to prepare her muffins.

"I love you." you said laughing, making her blush and joining her in her kitchen adventure.

[intermundia]

so i am a trans guy who lives in a rural, religious area where it is not possible to transition for both general social and familial reasons, and consequently i am stuck in a body that doesn't look or sound how i feel inside. i love the internet bc this is a place where i can feel comfortable and be myself without worrying about how i'm being perceived, and the obikin fandom has been a gift, the one gender validating part of my life (thank you all so much for that).

all of this is great, except i'm trying to find ways to offer exclusive content that would be available on patreon to raise money for my cancer stuff, and i would love to do Q and A type discussion livestreams or a lore podcasty thing or something, but my dysphoria is so strong, i'm like "then they'll hear your voice or see your face and They'll Know You're Lying About Your Gender" and even i know that's not the case, it's really hard to get over.

so out of fear i keep thinking well, i'll just do more written things, except i cannot state how much more work that would be added on top of me trying to write war drums, it would kill my ability to write obikin if i were always working on writing blog posts, you know? i only have so many spoons/words per day, the brain fog comes fast and hard. i'm already having a hard time dealing with stress enough to even write at all.

so i'm stuck being like, i can't offer one type of content because it will be deeply embarrassing to look and sound wrong, and i can't offer the other type because it would be overwhelming at a time where i am super easily overwhelmed, i don't want to let people down by failing to deliver. so i get paralyzed doing nothing at all instead. it's... frustrating. i'm not sure what to do about it, how to get over sounding wrong. it's hard :/

[sixeyesgojo]

kiss it better

Summary: You had a shitty day at the store. Gojo is here to comfort you <3

Characters: Gojo x Reader

Word count: 1100

A/N: The past few weeks have been super rough - personal matters and on top of that, natural disasters + "I could lose my closest friends thanks to this" type of rough - so I wrote this pretty self-indulgently because I seriously need to be comforted lol. But that doesn't mean you can't imagine yourself in it!! The fanart is fem reader but I don't think I indicated any gender in the fic. Shoutout to the folks who work with customers, you guys are doing an amazing job! Thank you.

This entire fic was inspired by the art by the amazing @yuusagi-chii that I commissioned; check out her blog and leave a reblog on her artworks!! ♥ - posted with permission from the artist

There had been nothing to do. The whole time, Satoru was just lazing on the couch, legs stretched out on the entire thing, and waiting for you to come home as the television showed nothing but garbage.

As soon as they perceived the sound of your dangling keys in front of the door, Satoru’s ears perked up. He had been so bored all day, not knowing what to do on his free day; he was used to being busy all day, every day, around the clock. The lethargy got to the extent where he cleaned every nook and cranny in your shared home, did all the laundry for the week, reorganized the cupboard where his treasures were stored and even took a nap. Originally, he had planned to kidnap you to go on a date with him but unfortunately, your workplace said otherwise, wrecking his not-so-planned-out plan. Admittedly, it did piss him off a little but there was nothing to be done. Satoru just missed you incredibly much since he was usually gone for most days.

Your heavy footsteps that came from the entrance hall, the way your keys seemed to make louder noise than usual and the soft sigh he could hear all indicated that you had a shitty day so far. It really wasn’t rocket science for Satoru to notice little things about you. Probably entitled customers again, he thought. Satoru was well aware that working in a customer-oriented branch had to be unrewarding, draining even. Still, he wanted to tantalize you a bit, to lighten the mood and ease his boredom a little – he would do that on normal days.

However, ‘normal’ was quickly discarded when he saw your face: a hefty scowl and… were those teary eyes? His previous demeanor immediately dropped and a serious one took over. This was definitely not okay.

Satoru had noticed the last few weeks had been a little rough on you. On normal days, teasing you was his favorite thing to do and quite frankly, it was enjoyable to you as well as it lifted your mood after a stressful shift… but today must have been the tipping point and he knew better than to tease you in times like these. The last thing he wanted to be was the cause of your tears.

“Had a rough day?” Satoru asked as he met you in the hallway, wasting no time to slip his arms around your body. Crushing into his chest, you simply nodded without looking at him. You feared that if you did, tears would fall and you would no longer be in control of your emotions. The entire time you spent at work had been filled with some particularly grumpy customers you had to tend to. You had to deal with utterly disrespectful behavior towards you. Yet, you had to stay friendly and polite when, throughout the day, there had been several instances that made you want to quit your job right then and there.

Today had been terrible, so being in the amenity of your home felt uncommonly relieving. In addition to that, being in the comforting space of Satoru’s gentle hug washed off your exhaustion. It was fine to bask in the solace of his embrace for a moment, wasn’t it? Was it okay for you to give in a little and enjoy the moment for all its worth?

“Do you want to talk about it?” “Just the usual trouble but way worse for some reason,” you mumbled into his chest, just loud enough for him to hear. “Tell me about it, baby. It’s better if you get it off of your chest as soon as possible.”

You breathed out, the emotional dam you’ve built today finally breaking, “It’s just… people suck… They s-snap at me for the smallest things… and I know some of those incidents are just part of the job – I really get it a-and I try so hard to stay polite but… it’s just… very hard.”

Throughout your ramblings – how a customer had yelled at you for a minor mistake, how another one treated you like something lesser because of something that was not your mistake, how people would insist on being right and more – he listened intently to each and every word… All the while, Satoru had gently stroked your back with his palm to calm you down. “Say, Toru…there must be something wrong with me for them… to treat me like this, isn’t there?” you finally asked. “No, honey. You are perfectly fine,” he said, suppressing how pissed he actually was at the people who dared treating you badly. “Their attitude just sucks and they don’t deserve being served by someone beautiful like you. Maybe I should give them a piece of my mind some day…” “I just— I don’t even know. People are so mean… and for w-what? Is kindness in this world really that hard to find?” you lamented, choking back a sob as you buried your face deeper into him.

“Can I help you feel better in any way? Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?” Satoru asked sweetly but the frown on his face made his worry very evident. He didn’t like it at all whenever you came back emotionally drained like this. All Satoru wanted to do was to go and ‘teach them a well-deserved lesson’ but he knew well that it would be against your wishes, so he had no choice but to sit back and be there for you when you needed him the most.

“Let me pamper and spoil my angel for today, hm?” he whispered affectionately, pressing kisses to the top of your head. Finally, you raised your head to look at him. The teary stains on your cheeks and sad expression broke his heart and he swore you could hear it cracking in his ribcage. “I just want you to hold me right now, wanna feel you close to me and nothing more,” you admitted and slung your arms around him tightly.

Promptly taking the chance, Satoru placed a sweet and loving kiss on your forehead. The sensation of his lips on your skin eased a big part of your discomfort away, making you sigh in comfort for the first time in what felt like decades. The effect this man had on you was inexplicable; the way he had the power to make you feel better by simply being there was truly magical. It made your heart flutter in a thousand ways and more.

“Then I’ll have no choice but to kiss it better.”

Taglist (open): @satosuguslut @assbuttbaek @melonnbar @delammi @silversatoru @princesatoru

[animeomegas]

Omega!Lucifer x Soft!Alpha!Reader

Anon:  ¿Omega Lucifer (ObeyMe) with a soft and tall alpha pls?

(My first Obey Me! request, I’m so excited! This felt more like a stream of consciousness than any coherent piece of writing but anyways...Hope you enjoy~)

Warnings: None.

Lucifer honestly gets along best with softer alphas who aren’t going to get all macho dominant on him. 

He’s a very powerful and forthright omega and any alphas who try to control him won’t last very long (in a relationship, but also just generally being alive haha. Lucifer does not take kindly to people patronising him because of his secondary gender)

Anyone in a relationship with Lucifer has to be an excellent mediator because of his pride. His pride can be a serious obstacle in a relationship, and a soft!alpha type is perfect for this. 

I can’t stress enough how perfect this dynamic would be for him.

Many people get the secondary genders in your couple the wrong way around, thinking Lucifer to be a powerful Alpha and you an exceptionally tall Omega.

You don’t go out of your way to correct people most of the time. It doesn’t bother you what other people think of your relationship and this is one of the things Lucifer loves most about you; you don’t get defensive at being mistakenly perceived as an omega. He has met so many alphas who get aggressive when people think they’re an omega, and he always finds it insulting.

You two are the best dog parents ever.

Lucifer is the strict dog parent who trains Cerberus and makes sure Cerberus respects him as the 'in charge’ figure.

You are the soft dog owner who gives Cerberus all the belly rubs and far too many treats.

Lucifer always complains that you’re spoiling him but you catch the soft smiles he gives you and Cerberus when he thinks you aren’t looking.

Lucifer doesn’t really nest, but he loves cuddling in his bed (although he’ll deny it) when his schedule allows it.

He will melt if you massage his head. That’s one of the best ways to get Lucifer to purr.

When you do get time to cuddle in bed with him, he loves to rest his head on your chest. This is an easy and comfortable position for you because you’re so tall. He loves if you massage his head while he lays on you.

Lucifer appreciates when you try to help him relax without being overbearing or trying to control him. This is where being soft is so handy. Lucifer is far less likely to view your interference as controlling or patronising, which stops needless arguments.

You glanced down at your watch and sighed. Lucifer had been working in his office for over 29 hours now. You loved your omega very dearly, but if there was one thing you would change about him, it would be his tendency to run himself ragged with his own workload.

Dragging yourself out of bed, you pulled your cardigan tightly around yourself as the cold air of the corridor blasted across your face. Making your way to Lucifer’s office, you silently marvelled at how different the House of Lamentation felt in the middle of the night

Knocking lightly on his office door, you waited for his tired voice to call you in. As you entered, you welcomed the warmth that came from his fireplace. After a second of basking in the pleasant temperature change, you turned your gaze towards Lucifer.

Oh dear.

His shoulders were tense, his pen gripped too tightly in his hand and his eyes were overly lidded. You sighed softly, keeping your voice soft.

“Oh Lucifer, my love.” You walked over and took his face into your hands, rubbing your thumbs under his tired eyes. “You’ve been working so hard and I’m so proud of you, but I think it’s time for bed.”

He pulled away slightly, conflicted. His scent was normally so controlled, but the smell of slight distress was clear in the air.

“I can’t..” He croaked, voice softer than wither of you expected. “I still have work to do. I can’t let Diavolo down.”

“Diavolo doesn’t want his best friend to work himself to death. Come to bed, Lucifer.” He still looked conflicted. “Please.” You begged, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “I need my mate with me. “

All the air escaped his lungs at once, his shoulders slumping. He looked as if he had suddenly deflated.

“Okay.” He sighed, pushing himself away from his desk. 

As he stood, you took him into your embrace, scenting him lightly, one hand playing gently with the small hairs at his neck. You could feel how tired he was.

“I love you so much, my omega.” 

He laughed tiredly. “And I adore you, my perfect alpha.”

One of the major benefits of this alpha personality type mated with Lucifer is how well you will inevitably get along with his brothers.

Lucifer is a family man to the highest degree, and his omegan instincts make this protectiveness all the more prevalent.

Lucifer could never mate with an alpha that his brothers didn’t like and he is so happy when you get along with his brothers (but not too much because this man is a possessive omega)

Speaking of possessive behaviour, Lucifer scents his alpha up whenever they have to leave the house. He scents them so strongly that most people can’t smell any alpha scents on them at all. And Lucifer gets so smug about this.

 Overall, a soft!alpha is perfect and exactly what omega!Lucifer deserves.

[the-ghost-king]

the term malewife isn’t a very nice term to use...

A man who acts as a wife and is inferior to his #girlboss girlfriend.

Person A: I just got myself a malewife. He's gonna clean my kitchen and watch me download custom content for the sims.

Person B: Sweet! You must be such a girlboss

^^urban dictionary. It’s just confirming to the sexist stereotypes that perceive and expectation of what a wife should act like. It’s quite harmful

It's a parallel to girlboss which is conformity to the sexism within corporate America:

"it becomes inescapably clear that when women center their worldview around their own office hustle, it just re-creates the power structures built by men, but with women conveniently on top. In the void left after the end of the corporate feminist vision of the future, this reckoning opens space to imagine success that doesn’t involve acing performance reviews or getting the most out of your interns." (here)

The word girlboss comes from a book quite literally called #girlboss, in parallel to the negative aspects of this book people eventually rebranded the term "malewife" to parallel it (malewife was originally an nsfw type thing)

In the malewife/girlboss "system" it's essentially the swapping of the problematic aspects, expectations, and socialization of men and women within a relationship

"Girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep" was a meme started to pick on the idea that women should become men and enforce the sexism within corporate society, and I'm sure it was a jab at the book the word came from as well.... "Manipulate, mansplain, malewife" was created to parallel the original meme

So yeah, the whole concept is mocking sexism within corporations and and modern relationships and showing how ridiculous it is. Girlboss mocks the idea of 2014 (largely) white feminism within America.

In example the original meme (created on Twitter) is intended to make mockery of Karen-types:

On January 12th, 2021, Tumblr user missnumber1111 posted, "today’s agenda: gaslight gatekeep and most importantly girlboss," garnering over 43,500 notes in a month (shown below). On that day, Twitter user @CUPlDL0VE posted, "my agenda is gaslight gatekeep and #girlboss," the first instance of the phrase on Twitter.

And a day later on January 13, 2021 Tumblr user a-m-e-t-h-y-s-t-r-o-s-e reblogged the post along with a photoshopped image of "Live, Laugh, Love" wall art instead reading, "Gaslight every moment, Gatekeep every day, Girlboss beyond words" (shown below). On January 18th, the image was reposted to Twitter for the first time.

Malewife doesn't hold those same implications however... The term malewife which is now being used to parallel girlboss achieves it's origins from p*rn, now I'm not an nsfw blog or someone who blatantly discusses nsfw concepts on my blog so I'm not getting super into it but there's a few places it comes from: femdom, bdsm, and feminization kinks... All of which have a connection to queerness in their own right but I don't feel comfortable going into the complexities of that with so many younger people following me.

On February 15th, Tumblr user @relelvance posted, "Manipulate, mansplain, malewife" as a male-themed opposite to "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss," garnering over 27,000 notes in four days. The post was screenshotted and reuploaded by Twitter user @nortoncampbell on the same day, garnering over 14,200 likes and 2,800 retweets in the same span of time (shown below).

Urban dictionary's explaination of "malewife" is not only harsher than what malewife was intended to mean, but also removes the context of origin from the word- making it something new, different, and erasing the history of who originally used this word.

Because of Malewifes origins vs Girlboss origins, malewife is a less problematic term than girlboss and is more "affectionate" because the term malewife and it's use (up until recently) involved the man acknowledging that he wanted to be the "wife" in his relationship. There's a variety of reasons someone might do this, but it can generally be summed up as a mixture of personality and also personal wants.

I do think it's important to also note that although these words are being "glamorized slightly" they're still intended and being used in a memeing manner, but they're also used to quickly denote arbitrary traits in an individual and categorize those traits...

Although there's lots of conversations to be had for a variety of reasons about the origin and use of the word "girlboss" in relation to sexism, up until recently the world "malewife" was something claimed by men, something men wanted to be called, and something that men who used the term wanted to reference them.

Malewife is about "stepping-up" to "take on" "female" social roles, and it's something that at least some women would be happy to see in society:

"...We have been told that we can have it all, but so far we have noticed that it is extremely hard work having it all, because you still have to do everything that your mother did but now you have to do everything your father did as well. Except that your father had your mother waiting at home with a gin and tonic and his slippers when he came home from work, and you have the washing up and the shopping and a few screaming brats as well as a bloke with his feet up on the sofa watching the football... " (via. Victoria Mary Clarke)

And I don't think that she's wrong at all. Women are still expected to do so much more than men in society without equal reward.

Malewife exists as a a sort of fantasy removed from the truth of society. It's an idea that a husband can be waiting at home to care for his wife, and in this instance it benefits the woman- unlike Clarke's situation above, the woman comes home from a long day and is able to relax without the pressures of society and her life.

Where housewife is a word that holds its origins in forced subservience, malewife is a term that is showcasing men "picking up the torch" in regards to housework- where housewife is socially forced, and girlboss is reversed social compliance, malewife is the rejection of social expectations.

Malewife is about men finding a place in their life's and relationships to make themselves more than a paycheck. To say "I can be emotionally there for my spouse, I can clean a toilet, and drive kids to school, and I don't treat my spouses wants as something expendable". In a society in which men are often demeaned, mocked, and scorned for picking up socially female roles (say hello to misogyny and gendered contamination!)

The Urban dictionary definition, is not only too harsh- but not the way in which the word is intending to be used, because that's ignoring the origins of this word, and the fact that men had a choice in becoming malewifes where women didn't have that choice. It should read more like:

Person A: Ah yeah, I have a malewife waiting for me, he's going to clean my kitchen because I've had a hard day at work and need a break, and then he's going to watch me download custom content for the Sims because I enjoy the game so much and it helps me take a break from life!

Women's wants were often ignored in favor of men's wants, so by the malewife saying he's going to watch his spouse play the Sims, he's really saying "I care about her interests" and by him picking up the kitchen cleaning after she's had a stressful day he's saying "I have a lower stress job so I can handle that for her and make her life a little easier" (because malewife doesn't mean he doesn't have a job).

In a society in which a man's worth is tied to his ability to bring home money and be emotionally distant, malewife is the rejection of this norm. Malewifes are going to be there for their spouse, they're going to step up and take on traditionally women's roles and they're doing it because they want to, because they like it, and because dividing chores into pink vs blue is wrong.

I also want to say, you can't flip a word around and say it does "this" because that's not how it works... Men and women are forcibly socialized in very different ways, the two binaries have very different treatment, and expectations within societies social constructs. If you could flip the forms of oppression that men vs women face (because yes, the patriarchy oppresses men) then you could also flip the forms of violence faced by trans masculine people vs trans feminine people- but that doesn't work either, because women will always be oppressed in the most public way to "make an example of them" while the patriarchy expects anyone who is male to "keep his mouth shut and fall in line". (I know that's worded poorly, but I've just written at least a couple hundred words and my brain is a bit fried already from various other things today- basically anyone perceived female or male will be treated in a certain way as a result of others perception of them)

Anyhow, all this isn't to say that the term "malewife" is inherently free of any form of flaw ever... Malewife is a newly mainstream word, it wasn't popularized until February 15 of 2021... So?? 5 days ago?? The origins of malewife and the social implications of malewife combined with the history of the word, don't make the word bad or impressive and it's not "upholding the ideals of a housewife" but instead a word which provides men freedom from male social expectations.

Can the word malewife come to be a word which enforces expected female social behavior? Yeah it absolutely can become a word to mean that, erase the history from the word, and give it to someone who doesn't know the history of the word, and someone who doesn't have an intimate understanding of gender theory, and you've got a recipe for hundreds more asks like the one you've sent me...

I can't find a single positive reason to use the word girlboss in an empowering way, but I can find more reasons to use the word malewife in an empowering way than not to do so.

So at the very least if all you come away from this with is that I don't personally use the word malewife to uphold female social expectations in a relationship but instead I use this word to provide space for guys to be allowed to be feminine, soft, caring, emotionally present, and worth more than their monetary value, then I guess that's okay.

[sixth-light]

Hi! I admit I went lurking in your lgbtqia tag, and somewhere in the tags you said that while you are a cis woman you know this because you consciously thought it through, and I would like to ask about it if you don't mind (feel free to ignore this if you do). So, how did you go about it? If I start to think about it I always end up thinking that if you strip away all stereotypes and physical attributes there's nothing left, and I could best describe my experience with gender as (1/3)

„society said I’m a girl and I don’t care enough to say otherwise”, like I don’t have any reason to think I’m not cis but when I think about what makes me a woman I can’t come up with anything other than „they said so”. I didn't want to ask a trans person about it, because when I put it like this it seems really dismissive of what they go through, and on top of that I really don’t want to be *that person* by seeming like I’m demanding that they validate their identity to me when I just (2/3)

get stuck not even halfway through my thought process about this, and I’ve had like multiple crises over this, so I’d like to get this over with if I can. This seemed like my best chance to get an answer without possibly hurting someone, so I will be very grateful if you can answer me, but don’t stress about it if you can’t or don’t want to. (And thank you for reading through this novel-length ask in the first place, really, and sorry for loading all of this on you. Crises, as I said…) (3/3)

(cut because this is gonna get a bit rambly)

First up: I think if you’re having multiple crises about gender it’s ok - in fact imperative - to ask questions about it, you’re not dismissing anybody else’s experience. I hope this answer helps you in some way.

The tl;dr is that, as trans people have taught us, the primary symptom of being [gender] is wanting to be [gender]. The long answer is...longer. 

I totally get where you’re coming from on “if you strip away all stereotypes and physical attributes there's nothing left”, but I don’t quite think it’s true - at least not in the way I interact with gender - and I’ll try and break down why. 

The thing is, gender is more or less fake. And when I say it’s fake I mean that it’s a very broad-brush system of grouping people which is made up in order to explain, very generally, who people are when you don’t know much else about them. And as a tool that is used to group people on an extremely broad level, it is inextricably intertwined with and born of whatever society you and your gender are operating in. So to start with, you can’t really consider gender outside of society. For me, it doesn’t mean anything when you take it out of the context of interacting with other people. Having (or not having) a gender matters because it’s a way of telling people something about who you are.

In terms of figuring out what things about you say what your gender is - I think of it like...there’s a big bucket of all the attributes people can have that are used to assign them a gender, or for them to pick that gender. Two people from the same society/cultural background will broadly agree on what goes in which bucket, and what the buckets are called. The more different your society and cultural background is, the more different the contents of your buckets are. Some stuff that’s in one bucket for your culture might be in a different bucket for another culture (like colours). What the buckets are and what’s in them changes over time. And, to make it even more confusing, no one person’s gender is made up of all the same attributes from that gender’s bucket, even comparing them to someone of the same gender who agrees with them totally on what the buckets are called and what can be in them. And lots of attributes are in multiple buckets! They can make someone feel lots of different genders depending on the person doing the feeling.

So, ultimately, gender for me is both incredibly, incredibly personal and totally inseparable from my cultural background. And that means that yeah, some of the bits that feel to me like they make me a woman are about my body or ‘stereotypical’ things - and that’s totally fine as long as I don’t make the mistake of thinking that this means someone for whom a DIFFERENT set of attributes makes them female is ‘wrong’ about that. Or the mistake of thinking that the things that make *me* feel like a woman are automatically female attributes for someone of a different gender. 

For example, for me I feel the ability/possibility of bearing children is pretty strongly tied to my gender - but I know nonbinary people and men who’ve borne kids, and they’re not women. And I know lots of women who don’t want to or can’t bear kids, and they’re definitely women. So as a marker of femininity, it’s not much use to generalise with. I can only say it’s in my particular gender bucket.

So, having worked through that - and because, like you, I started at ‘well I was assigned female at birth and I don’t disagree’ - I gave up on trying to think about gender as a question of specific attributes. I think of it as: does it make me feel good to be assigned as a woman, in this society I live in, and would it make me feel bad to be assigned as a different gender?

And the answer to both is yes. I like being perceived as female! I feel happy and affirmed in myself when I tick “F” on a survey. I feel more secure in female-dominated spaces. I want to be a woman, it makes me happy to be one, ergo I am one. 

Moreover, I don’t want to be perceived as another gender - I point out that I’m a woman if someone’s ever unsure. This was really brought home to me, don’t laugh, when I did a playthrough of Stardew Valley and accidentally made my character male (I get the little symbol confused shush they’re very similar) and spent the entire run through being upset whenever my character was addressed in-game as “Mr Anne”. I wasn’t a Mr! I didn’t want to be! It did not feel good! I have been misgendered occasionally IRL but only for momentary interactions, not persistently - I didn’t realise just how much I wouldn’t like it even in this very harmless context. 

But, here’s the thing: I’m not totally sure that I would be a woman or be so confident about being perceived as one if I lived in a society that had very different gender buckets, or put different things in them. I’m a cis woman because I align with the category of ‘woman’ as determined by 21st-century Aotearoa New Zealand. Would I be a woman in, IDK, second-century Scotland? Fucked if I know. And that’s fine, because like I said: for me gender is specifically a way of telling the society you live in something about who you are. I want to tell people I’m a woman, it makes me happy to do so, so I am one; and I was raised as a girl, so I’m a cis woman. It’s as simple and complicated as that. 

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

May I rant here for a sec? My parents are just- really frustrating me lately., and they're being shitty about my gender, and- ugh...

For the record, I don't live with my parents. I am very comfortable and confident in the labels I have chosen to identify with, and ain't nobody's opinions gonna be able to change shit. Also, the entirety of my family are Christians. I'm a Christian, and I get that gender stuff can be a bit of complicated situation, but still...

I came out, gender wise, almost a year ago. I came out as a demi girl (which has since changed to bigender, but I haven't told them cuz they don't give a flying fuck anyways) and that I was using she/her and he/him, as well as using two names (my birth name and a new one), all used interchangeably. They responded with the expected "we still love you no matter what" bullshit and I just, gggrrrrrrrr!

(My sister wins for best response to that coming out, tho. She replied, and I quote, "lol well duh" XD)

Additional note: I have done no actual, physical or hormonal transitioning, and idk if I ever will. I'm trying to present more masc because I want to be perceived as more gn or masc. I'm not great at it, but that's my current 'transitioning' status.

Now, I am pretty aggressive when it comes to people, my family included, misgendering other people. My friends, my partner, etc. Don't misgender people or I am going to correct you. And if you keep doing it wrong without effort to improve, I WILL make you uncomfortable for fucking up! ... However, I don't know how to do that with myself...

It's really hard with my parents, still using she/her, because they're not technically wrong, but... I wish I had the guts to tell them, "you calling me she/her because those are still my pronouns is different than you using she/her because you refuse to use he/him". And they're never explicitly transphobic (like, they've never said anything like "I don't like trans people" or anything) but they also obviously don't accept it, or like it, or like if I bring trans/queer anything up.

Like, on Sunday I was at my parents' for father's day, scrolling through Pinterest, and a post came up. Talkin about how 'according to Mulan, you need blah blah blah to be a man (ya know the song). You do not need a penis of any sort' and I thought it was kinda fun, so I read it out loud and my dad's instant response was, "ha, yes you do <need a penis>" ... (My partner was there, and apparently I noticeably deflated at that comment and didn't get better until we went home...)

And today, I was talking to my mom about our little vacation we're going on in July to see her side of the family, and I mentioned, "Heh, I don't think I've come out to Uncle Russ. Uncle Ryan guessed it, and I came out to grandma, but not Uncle Russ" and I said it really lightheartedly cuz I found it kinda like a 'haha, oops!' and she just- in the most dismissive tone, replied, "yeah, I wouldn't worry about it", as if it doesn't even matter! Like, fuck, it just hurts! It fucking hurts me!

Back in March, I was feeling super stressed about my birthday (autism brain(I think) finds birthdays super super stressful. I can't handle the surprise of gifts, and people expecting certain reactions, and- ugh! No. Do not like. I have had at least one mental breakdown around my birthday every year for- idek how many years now. A lot.) and it was a lot of because I was worried about having to spend time with my parents, and them calling me she/her in a way that just still feels like misgendering somehow. And I was so desperate for some validation that I wrote myself a paragraph using both my names and all my pronouns with some encouraging words as if it were a social media post for my birthday written by Oikawa (I don't even simp for oikawa, btw, but pls, I want to be his friend, we would be such great buddies and we would cause so much chaos!) I know that writing stuff about ourselves/others interacting with fictional characters to make ourselves/others feel better is normal around here, but I think for 'normal people' it's weird, and I wish I could be able to tell my parents that I had to do that, and that in general they would understand how much their dismissive attitude hurts me. And it just gets worse and worse the more they do it.

.

I'm really sorry for such a long post. I'm just- I'm not constantly frustrated by this, but I get more and more annoyed and upset each time it happens. And as much as I hope I'm wrong some day, I've basically accepted that they're never going to do it right. To them, I'm never going to be "I was talking to him, and ___". I'm never going to be "my oldest son___" (or 'child'! Even just gn is better than nothing!) I'm just- not actually me...

- Dragon anon

First off, Dragon anon please always feel free to rant to me/us! It feels so awesome that people trust me/this blog to share their daily issues with. That's a huge sign of trust and I love it! It makes my mom heart happy!

I'm sorry your family is struggling with this acceptance. It's hard enough dealing with accepting our own identity and then to have our family not accept that is tough.

I'm so proud of you for all that you've processed and been thought in your identity journey. You are right, it can be very complicated for not only you but for your family. And i feel like if they communicated that difficulty, it would be different. But for them to not even try, I feel lile that's not respectful of you.

I'm going to share a little of my youngest kiddos journey with you. So she (current preferred pronoun) was afab. She was diagnosed with Autism at 2 and has been genderfluid/non-binary/bi-gender since. It's actually very common for people onto he spectrum to identify as genderfluid (as told to me by her psychologist). At one point, she wanted to be referred to as a he. So we did that. I told everyone her preferred pronou was "he/him" and to act accordingly. Now she's decided she was "she/her" and to dress more masculine. I've accepted this and accommodated as much as I possibly can. My oldest (he/him) often had troubles with pronouns and sees everyone has "him" which we are working on.

The point here is that your family should respect your preferences. It's not their life that's being affected it's yours. And respect goes deeper than just being cordial or nice. It's respecting people's preferences. I'm so glad you are helpful with it comes to other people's pronouns because being misgendered and/or the wrong pronoun can be harmful not to mention disrespectful. I think you should take the same approach with yourself. Value yourself like you value the others around you because you deserve that respect. If your mom identifies as "she/her" and you just started calling her "he/him" she'd probably get offended and that same principle should apply to you.

I know pronouns/gender/sexuality can be confusing but I'm the type of person to ask questions or Google when I don't understand something. You cannot fault someone for asking a question about something they don't understand and knowing you as I do, I think you'd appreciate them taking the effort to do so.

I hope this helps in some way. Again I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Accepting yourself is hard enough without dealing with outside influences.

Just know you are always accepted here as you are and we love and care about you very much 🥰

[kidmetsu-no-yaiba]

What They Do When You’re Having A ‘Split’ And Become Angry  

This includes: Tsukishima, Kuroo, Bokuto, Kita, Suga, Ennoshita, Ushijima

This is just how I perceive them as what they would do for a best friend/romantic partner that experiences BPD anger in a similar way as I do. Also I'm off my stabilizers haha..ha.

Also none of these are meant to be mean about the characters I literally chose my faves for this.

Uh TW for bpd I guess?

Gender Neutral reader bay bee

Tsukishima (Not the trigger):

Doesn’t even recognize it at first, thinks its just a normal bad day from work

After, like, 30 minutes of you just sitting there and glaring at your phone without talking or even changing your expression he starts to get a clue.

Goes about his normal chores that upset you, but he plays your “Calming” playlist out loud on his phone just loud enough for you to hear

If he’s exhausted every chore and you still haven’t talked, he purposefully looks for funny or interesting news articles about stuff you like and reads the headlines out to you to get you to look at him or talk

Once you start at least looking at him, hopefully talking too, begins trying to coax out what triggered you

Ignores if you make any outright mean or just passive aggressive comments towards him instead of answering but will get aggressive in return

If he manages to get What Happened out of you he immediately calls you an idiot. Regardless of what it is. Is a mean comforter.

“Getting mad over your best friend talking on the phone too long while you’re hanging out isn’t an excuse to be mean”

“You’re stupid if you think it’s your fault that your friends aren’t paying attention to you, not everything is about you.”

It hurts but, it works even if sometimes it feels like he’s going a Bit Too Far

Will watch comforting videos or shows with you if it calms you down but that's about it. Very big on “You’re an adult and I’m not your psychiatrist, figure it out yourself.”

Kuroo (Is the trigger):

Instantly recognizes the Shut Down while teasing you, when you stop responding, your face is blank except for your down turned eyes.

‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’ is his immediate thought

“Y/N you know I didn’t mean that right? We were just playing, I’m sorry!” “Don’t you have a proposal to finish.”

Immediate shoulder drop. Is also upset now but decides to wait a little bit before trying to calm you.

After 30min or so of you hiding under your blanket he decides it’s time to try and pull you out of your head.

Cooks your most aromatic favorite food so the smell wafts into your room

Blasts your comfort playlist on a speaker and loudly sings along to it

When you still don’t come out when the food is done, sits outside the door saying “oh FUCK this shit is BUSSIN’” comically loud, overexaggerates your favorite things about it outloud.

When you eventually give in, just to get some food, he corners you with his body

“What about what I said upset you?” As a genuine question, not a mean one

After you explain, he lets you eat and offers a sincere apology when you finish

Offers to draw a bath with your favorite scent if it’ll help you. It does.

Bokuto (Is the trigger):

You came home and Bokuto had the tv up high while watching tiktoks and listening to music. After a moment the tea kettle went off. Before turning it off he realized you had walked in and bounded over to you. There were Too Many Noises.

He tried to talk over the noise but realized your eyes were boring into his and you had The Look

Also a ‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’

Rushes to take the kettle off the heat and turn off his phone before checking on you only to see you’ve already gone in and shut the bedroom door. You didn’t even take your shoes off..

Big pouty, sulky fool. Mopes around for a bit after turning off all the noise in the house.

Eventually looks for other things that upset you and finds that the house is, kind of a mess actually. Decides to clean as quietly as possible.

Does all of your least favorite chores first incase you re-emerge from the bedroom too soon

When everything seems to be done he opens your door and finds you tucked into bed and scrolling on your phone, very quiet music playing from it.

It was only 5pm but he took off his street clothes and climbed into bed as well. 

Absolutely gets up behind you and grabs you around your waist and snuggles in without saying anything even though he wants to

When you finally feel comfortable you look over your shoulder to see Bokutos already fallen asleep. Idiot. 

You order takeout for when he wakes up because, even though he tried his hardest to be quiet, you could hear him washing the dishes and didn’t want to ruin the work he did for you

Kita (Not the trigger):

Very straightforward the second he realizes you are Not Good

"Y/N if you tell me what's wrong it'll end quicker" 

When you don't even look at him he still continues talking "We both know you hate when you're like this. It'll make you feel better if you just talk to me even if you don't want to."

Is fairly stern when talking to you at the beginning. Not mean but just very much like 'this is going to get done whether or not you cooperate.'

If you don't cooperate then he begins to ignore you until you snap and eventually scream and air out everything that's wrong and what triggered you. 

Goes through everything you said with you and gives you an objective perspective although it basically boils down to "I know you can't help it but your ego is hurting you. Not Everything Is About You."

Once your conversation on that is over he asks if you want him to watch tiktok or listen to music or something with you

 Suga (Is the trigger):

He hadn’t meant to ignore you all day. He’d woken up before you and been so busy at work all day he didn’t get a chance to text. It was the club he advised’s meeting day and it was dragging on longer than usual, he hadn’t texted anyone all day to be fair

When he finally comes home he’s confused as to why you’re tucked in on the couch

“Hey Y/N you tired? Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk today there was a lot of bureaucratic shit going on and then the club president decided we were all going to stay until the end of the activity. Kids am I right?” He laughs and smiles towards you but you continue to ignore him

After some physical encouragement, poking and whatnot, it dawned on him that you are Probably Going Through It

Jesus Christ

Immediately decides he is not having it and moves your legs off the couch so he can sit next you

“Y/N I looovvveeee youuuuu~~~” He says as he pulls you to him by the shoulders “I love you I love you I love youuu” 

Just babbles honestly, goes on and on about how he didn’t mean to ignore you and how he was honestly busy but he’s here now

And like yeah, he is here now so eventually you level out and let yourself be coddled for a bit longer

Makes pinky promises that he promises to text you when he’s busy or going to be running late

Also runs you a nice bath just in case

Ennoshita (Not the trigger):

Knows what's going on because he’s been watching you stare at the tv for about 20 minutes but, the tv is off. 

Is objective with his words like Kita but with more emotional appeal

“Y/N I know you’re in the middle of something but when you’re ready, I’ll be ready to listen to you,”

If, after a while, you don’t make any effort to talk to him he tries to point you in a better direction than staring at walls and moping around

“You don’t have to talk to me but I found a tiktok I think you’d enjoy” or “You know you haven’t tried that new nail polish you bought a bit ago” 

Is okay with just letting you figure it out on your own so you can apply the stuff you’ve worked on with your psychiatrist but will feel a little guilty if he doesn’t say anything at all

Will do anything that you need to get done but aren’t because of your episode like dishes or tidying your room

Ushijima (Not the trigger):

First of all, calls your episodes “tantrums”

Literally has no clue when you’re in an episode unless you tell him, he is not very bright

If you do tell him that you’re having issues he defaults to trying to use physical affection against whatever it is that you’re feeling

May or may not make you angrier by doing that

Although he wasn’t the original trigger, him being so dense might override it tbh

Like you love him but oh my god oh my god oh my god how have you survived this long 

Eventually decides “I do not know how to deal with this” and just leaves. He goes to the store and gets the shopping done for the next 2 weeks and gets some cool looking snacks. 

Thinks ‘well I’m already out, I might as well get the car washed’ after, turns into ‘Oh Y/N needed to get their new prescription too..’ ‘I think I remember a discussion about their package getting stuck at the post office..’

Literally accidentally does every single errand that needed to be done for the next month because he didn’t want to go home and upset you more

When he finally comes back home with 50lbs worth of shit from errands you’re like ????? because how did he know that you were stressed about all the house stuff that needed to be done????? 

It’s not an instant mood changer but you definitely go from seemingly uncontrollable rage to ‘Okay I was being a bit much’ but as you watch him prep veggies before storing them away the way you usually do it, you level out

He is unaware you’ve levelled out so he tries to remember the coping skills you said you talked about with your psychiatrist and you are deeply confused when he asks you to open your palm and places an ice cube in it

When you realize what’s going on you laugh and tell him you’re okay and apologize for how you were being earlier and explain what triggered you

He gives you the cool looking snacks