#without that there's a lot of context missing & i don't mean to hide things from my literal best friend but like

[clancy-the-pretty-odd-killjoy]

So while I can't claim the title of "elder emo" (which Franky I've seen so many times that I find it accidentally irritating to hear but that's not the point) I can claim the title of one of panic! At the discos biggest fans respectfully. (All eras)

I don't know if it matters but I'm also a huge fan of the young veins, I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME, the brobecks, and all their solo stuff/other artist Collabs/live or recorded covers/unreleased songs etc. I pride myself on panic being one of my favorite bands and one that I know the most about. (To an unhealthy degree quite honestly.) However of course that doesn't make me a specialist on knowing every single thing they've ever said. But anyway my reason for this rant was that I can agree with most of this, however I do feel that is a bit unfair and quite honestly just straight up dumb to say these things if they're in the wrong context.

Allow me to elaborate.

The way I read this it came off as saying that liking early era Ryan ross to a large extent is not okay, but maybe that's just me that perceived it like that. I feel that in my experience the early era Ryan is my favorite most of the time because it's comforting to me to look at pictures of Ryan with his stupid emo haircut and that weird camera he took shirtless pics with. Because he seemed so unafraid to express himself freely. That's inspiring.

And while I completely appreciate his growth as a person and all that's changed, I can still hyper fixate on his myspace profile can I not? Again I may have misunderstood the op but the way I read it seemed mostly like they where against people who focus intensely on the early Ryan ross era. Which as i Said has always been one of my favorite Ryan eras.

However that doesn't mean I'm not just as hyper fixated on his other eras like the young veins, but also it doesn't mean I disrespect his wishes to be away from the spotlight, that's a totally valid want. And I don't go around yelling about Ryden drama that doesn't exist but I am guilty of shit posting about it satirically. So maybe I'm a biased opinion in the slightest. But as I see it, the reason we focus so intensely on this era Ryan ross is because we missed the era and the comfort it brought. The early 2000s for a lot of people who didn't get to experience it is a "comfort culture" as I call it, we look back on the media from that time and it seems like an easier time to just shitposts things to myspace without a million people saying "well actually this happened with that person, so that technically makes you an eleged pedo supporter-" or something similar after someone posts about msi being "Coolio in a rawr XD (Gerard) way" or something, at least to me it feels. Let's face it that the world today is hyper focused on proving people wrong or immoral one way or another. Maybe it's people trying to feel better about themselves, maybe it's just the fact everyone is super sensitive and easily triggered. Either way, you used to be able to shitposts about a band without someone yelling at you for supporting a bad person when you didn't even know there were any allegations.

So anyway, as I see it, obsessing with old versions of people we admire is a coping mechanism, To cope with our own lives or sometimes to hide from them.

Okay, I'm dusting off my OLD emo bandom hat to be real with y'all fuckers for a second. This blog started in 2009 as a Panic fan blog so I know what I'm talking about.

My hot take is these new wave "Ryan Ross" fans don't actually like Ryan as a person, they just parasocially cling to pictures of him from when he was 19 in 2006 because he's "gender" or whatever and put him on this pedestal because he was a skinny white man in eyeliner who wrote some bops over 20 years ago. (When they were literal toddlers.)

But the truth is Ryan distanced himself from that person. By 2007 he wanted nothing to do with his old emo self and his old music. (Hence the hipster makeover.) He was uncomfortable in the spotlight and didn't want to be famous. By 2009 he wanted out completely.

I just have this feeling he would be super uncomfortable with all of this worship of his old self, AND y'all dragging him into this drama by spamming his name at Brendon anytime that man does anything.

Ryan and Brendon have no hard feelings. You're manufacturing drama between two men who want nothing to do with it and you're no better than the fans who were constantly invading their privacy over a decade ago.

Leave Ryan alone. If he wanted attention he wouldn't have logged off social media 15 years ago. Go listen to AFYCSO and have your feelings but STOP with the Brendon death threats and STOP spreading lies about Brendon to make your fave look better.

Ryan has done a lot of fucked up shit to. They were all white teenage boys on drugs in the 2000s who got thrust into the limelight suddenly and had to figure out how to be good people.

IDGAF if you hate Brendon but keep it to yourself. None of the bandmates have hard feelings with one another. Worry about the hatred you have for yourself instead. People who are okay don't act like that.

Love,

An elder emo.

[cheapshrimpysheep]

Silent Treatment

SUMMARY: How would they react to you giving them the Silent Treatment?

CHARACTERS: Demon Brothers (Lucifer; Mammon; Leviathan; Satan; Asmodeus; Beelzebub & Belphegor)

TAGS: Fluff; GN Reader 

WORD COUNT: An average of 540 words per character.

COMMENTS: I remember I had this idea after reading that Mammon had stolen and sold something from MC. MC used STAY on him, but if he did that to me I would be so upset that I would want him to suffer more than that. And I thought about the silent treatment, which would certainly be his worst nightmare. And that's why I thought of making this post. Beel's part is the shortest, but you'll see why.

I hope you enjoy 🤫

CONTEXT: This takes place in the Original timeline and not Nightbringer. So, to make matters worse for them/him, you live with them in the House of Lamentation.

Your argument was probably about Lucifer working too much and you wanting to give him a break. But his stress mixed with pride made him deny this offer in a rather mean and perhaps even disrespectful way.

Does he not want you to bother him? Very well then. What if you never bother him again?

At home, you ignore him. He tries to talk to you, but seeing how stubborn you are he ends up giving up. But this is already bothering him a lot.

At school, if necessary, you will talk to him about importante matters related to RAD as if he were any other student at school. And that's it. Anything else outside of that, you will continue to ignore it.

And that just makes everything worse for him. To have YOU of all people talk to him like he was just any student?! Not only does this hurt his pride, but this small sample of conversation with you makes him miss you more and more. But he will continue to hide it.

The last straw will be at home, when he asks you something directly and you ask one of his brothers to answer for you. Bonus if it's someone from the Anti-Lucifer League. But he must have lasted two or three days without talking to you.

He will lure you to his office, where it all started. Maybe he'll tell you to go get some important papers. You won't see him inside, but as soon as you're close to the desk you'll hear the door closing and locking. And that's when you see him calmly walking down the office stairs to meet you.

“So you decided to give me the silent treatment.” Lucifer says as he walks down the stairs.

“Didn't you want me to leave you alone?” You say, still not looking at him.

“I never said that and you are perfectly aware of that.” He finishes down the stairs and walks over to you. “I just didn't want to rest because I needed to finish that.” You don't answer him again. He already knows what you think about that. Your back is to him and he stops right behind you. “*Sigh* I'm sorry. I know you only want me well. I was just... I shouldn't have talked to you like that. I promise that next time I will consider the break.”

His voice is sad, so you know he was being sincere. But you wanted to see how much he missed you, so you remained silent and with your back turned to him. And he knows you. He knows what you want. He sighs again, more deeply, as if you're making him admit something that hurts his pride.

“Please... I miss you...” You haven't turned around yet. That wasn't enough and it bothers him. You had his desk in front of you.

He rests his hand on the table, leaning on it, and leans in to bring his face closer to yours. “Now you're just teasing me, aren't you?” He was now with that smug on his face. And he sees you give a little smile, which was the sign he understood to move forward. He holds your chin and makes you face him. “You missed me too, didn't you?” he whispers near your lips “You little tease.” And he kisses you passionately and provocatively.

Mammon probably sold something of yours. Or maybe another things of yours. Of course, you hate it when he does that. So you decide to give him the silent treatment, because you know, you know perfectly well that he won't handle it. There is nothing else you can be so sure about as this.

The moment he realizes what you are doing, he collapses. The day wasn't even over yet. In fact, you were on break from classes.

He even gets kicked out of class for constantly trying to talk to you.

You know how much he hates being ignored and being ignored by you breaks his heart into pieces.

He wants to resolve this as quickly as possible, but not in front of his brothers. He waits for you to be alone in your room.

You hear a knock on your door and you ask who it is.

“It's me, the Great Mammon. I got your stuff back. All of them. Open the door and see.”

You decide to open the door, even if it was just out of curiosity and you see Mammon holding so many things that you can barely see his face. You can see your stuff that he sold and some gifts like a teddy bear, chocolates, clothes, accessories, your favourite nerd/geek/otako related stuff, etc... You let him in and put all that on top of your bed.

“I got it all back! But, um, you don't mind if some of them are new right? I also bought you more things. These are your favourite chocolates, right? And you really wanted this plush, didn't you?”

You remain silent, looking at him with your arms crossed. This already happened once and he sold your things again.

“I won't sell your stuff again, I promise. You can hit me with your stay if I ever do it again.”

You turn your back on him and go do something, like homework for example. You went back to ignoring him because he used that excuse before.

“Please hang me upside down like Lucifer, use your stay on me at full power, but please stop ignoring me.” he sounds desperate.

You sit at the table you have in the room behind the bed. Continuing to ignore him. The next scene you see is him kneeling next to you, his head at the same level as your thighs, and looking at you like a puppy with tears starting to come out of his eyes.

“Please. I never thought this was so bad. I can't stand not having you anymore. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. Damn it, I miss you yelling at me.” He places his chin on your thigh, looking at you. “Please, talk to me again~”

You can't take so much cuteness anymore. “Don't sell my stuff again! You hear me, you idiot?!”

His face lights up. "Am I forgiven?"

“Yes, for now you are.”

He gets up and hugs you, showering you with kisses. He won't leave you alone for the rest of the day.

Levi would hardly do anything that deserved the silent treatment. He practically idolizes you, he would never do anything to hurt you. So, something like this would definitely have been an accident.

He had arranged a date with you. But then an Ruri-chan's event came up and he ended up going to it instead of going to you. He got the dates wrong and thought the date with you was the next day.

And he only realized this mistake when the next day he sent you a message asking where you were and if you had forgotten about the date, and you replied that he was the one who forgot that the date had been the day before.

After that, you are bombarded with messages apologizing and saying how much of a complete idiot he is and doesn't deserve you. You don't respond anymore, which leaves him in a dilemma to decide whether to go to you or never see you again because you don't deserve to hear the excuses of someone as pathetic as him.

But he has to do it! He has to apologize to you in person! Even if it means you telling him to his face that you never want to see him again. He would deserve it anyway.

You hear a knock on your bedroom door. The moment you open the door, Levi kneels down and places his forehead on the floor.

“I am so sorry! I'm an embarrassment of a partner. I don't even deserve your forgiveness. But I needed to show you my regret.”

Maybe you were already feeling a little bad for him, but you were also curious to know how far your silence could take him. You turned away from the door, gesturing for him to enter your room.

He enters with mixed feelings, on the one hand he was afraid of what you could do if you wanted to punish him. On the other hand... wasn't he kinda into those things?

But no, you just sit on the bed and use your cell phone to send a message to Levi, asking why he missed the date the day before. You still needed to talk to him, but not yet with your voice that he loves so much. When he happily tells you that it was because of Ruri-chan's event, you look even more upset.

“N-N-N-N-NO WAIT! I'm so sorry! Exchanging you for anyone else, even Ruri-chan is unforgivable! I should have warned you. I wanted to tell you, but it was all so short notice.”

You still didn't say anything and even crossed your arms with a sulky expression. He kneels at your feet and gets so close to your legs that he could even hug them.

“I know that what I did was a complete betrayal, and a wretch like me doesn't deserve another opportunity, but please, just let me hear your voice one last time, even if it's to say that you hate me.”

And you finally break. You know he didn't do it out of spite and you've already punished him enough. You know you're practically torturing him at this point.

Regardless of how you say or show that you forgive him, he will praise you, maybe even cry and if you let him hug you, he will cling to you desperately.

Satan was probably on a bad day. A really bad day. That kind of day where anything irritates him, even you trying to calm him down. And he ended up saying what he would regret the moment you left his side: He told you to shut up.

And that's what you did, but for longer than he was expecting. He realized you were giving him the silent treatment when he came up to you to ask if the two of you could talk alone, so he could apologize to you, and you acted like he wasn't there. He was upset at first, but soon after he realized that that was exactly what led to this situation.

He won't try to talk to you in public again. He's prideful too. He'll wait until you two get home, and you are alone in your room.

You hear a knock on your bedroom door. When you open it, you see Satan with a big bouquet of flowers in his hands. Either they're your favourite flowers, or your favourite colour or anything he knows you would like.

“Would you allow me to speak to you, please?” He wasn't angry, he was sorry and you could see it in his eyes.

You don't answer, but you let him into your room. If you pick up the flowers, he'll be a little more relieved. But if not, he'll put them on the table and get a little more worried.

“I'm so sorry. I should never talk to you like that. I regretted my words the moment you walked out the door. I realize what you are doing, you are doing what I asked you to do, and it tears me apart. I'm not mad at what you're doing to me, I deserve it and worse.” He kneels in front of you and bows his head. “But please tell me what I have to do for you to forgive me. Because no words can mend the ones I used.”

If those words weren't enough for you and you're feeling like he deserves to "suffer" a little more for the way he treated you, you send him a message (he still doesn't deserve to hear your voice) saying that if he's really sorry about that, he could be your cat butler for a day.

He lifts his head and looks at you, blushing slightly. “With a condition: It will be for your eyes and your eyes alone! No making me go to the kitchen or something while any of my brothers is there!”

And if you agree, he will do it. Any request he will fulfill. If you tell him to end his sentences with "Nya" he will do it, partially embarrassed but partially enjoying it.

And at the end of the day, when you finally let him hear your voice again saying that you forgive him, but that you hope it doesn't happen again, he smiles, kiss your hands like a gentleman and asks permission to hug and kiss you again, after so long.

There's a good chance you decided to do this because you started seeing Asmo with more and more succubuses and incubuses.

Well, if he likes being with them so much instead of you, let's see what happens if you prefer to talk to the other brothers instead of him.

He starts the day with no idea what you've decided to do, so he compliments everyone, especially you. And the moment you don't greet him back he knows something is very wrong.

He cannot, nor does he want to, hide how devastated he already is. Of all the demon brothers he is the one who loves attention the most and not getting it from YOU is the worst thing that could happen to him.

In return, you will have ALL his attention. He won't leave you for a second. He needs to know what happened, even if he has to make a dramatic spectacle at your feet.

He will speak to you in the sweetest of voices, calling you all the affectionate names he knows of, even if he has to do so in other languages. Hon, honey, love, darling, Mon cher, mon amour, mi amor, amore mio...

If you just want to talk to him at the House of Lamentation, you'll have to ask the other brothers to basically be your bodyguards. Which will only make the situation worse for Asmo. And more fun for his brothers.

When you get home you tell one of the brothers to tell Asmo that when you are available to talk to him you will send him a message.

You were alone in your room when you sent the message to Asmo saying that you could "talk" in your room. Not a second had passed when he knocked on your door, almost as if he had been waiting in the hallway that entire time.

He’ll walk in like a happy puppy whose owner has finally opened the door for him. He will try to hug you, but you can't give in. You stray, cross your arms and looks in any direction other than at him.

“Why are you being so mean to me?” he asks in that cute, sad voice. “What could someone as cute as me have done to deserve this?”

To continue guarding your voice until he deserves to hear it, you write and send him a message. In it you talk about the succubuses and incubuses with whom he took a ton of photos and posted a bunch of stories, and it started to be much more than normal.

“Aww, my little sheep is jealous, that's so cute!” You turn your back to him. “HA! NO! Wait! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry! I thought you knew that you are the one I love the most in all three worlds. I love you almost as much as I love myself. I couldn't say no to my fans. Oh, I know! What if we spend a whole day together? What if we went on a special date? I can prepare everything! I'll reserve a table at your favorite restaurant. I can even buy you new clothes if you want.” You turned back to him, but still didn't say anything. “Pwease, talk to me again~ I'm sowwy~”

If you accept his apology and tell him so with your voice, he will hug you and kiss you al over your face. “Ahhh! I missed you so much~!”

Honestly, I can't imagine a single scenario where Beel would do something that would deserve the silent treatment. He's the type to apologize even if it's not his fault. Even if he ate something of yours, he would apologize in the next second.

So, most likely, you and Belphie were just curious to know how Beel would react. And this would probably happen after you had done this to everyone else but him and his brothers wanted to know how he would react.

At breakfast he greets everyone, but you're the only one who doesn't greet him back. And you already feel horrible because you can feel his sad gaze on you.

"(Y/N)? Is everything okay?" he asks in an already apologetic voice. You still don't answer him, and that hurts so much, poor thing.

The other brothers tell Beel to start eating otherwise everyone will be late. But he says he doesn't want to. And everyone looks at him in amazement, except you. He is looking at you and only you, no one else matters, not even the food.

“Are you angry with me? I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I did this time, but I'm sorry. Did I eat something that was yours?” You still don't respond but you're almost at your breaking point. “(Y/N)?” He says your name in the cutest regretful voice that only he could do and you break down.

You turn to him and hug him, apologizing. You explain that he didn't do anything and explain that everything is fine. If you offer him the rest of your breakfast he will be very happy.

But he will be much closer to you for the rest of the day. It hurt him a lot and he just wants to make sure that everything was really okay. He will really like it if you two cuddle a little when your back home.

What could he do to make you mad at him? *cough* Lesson 16 *cough*. Anyway. There's a good chance he's been a little more selfish lately. Always wanting your free time to be spent with him, and try to convince you to fall into the temptation of laziness and exchange your responsibilities for him.

He needed to learn a lesson. He needed to value you more and realize that you are not a guarantee. Let's see what happens if he no longer has you.

He realizes something is wrong when you don't respond to him.

He tries to convince you to talk to him by being cute. That younger brother cuteness that he always uses against his brothers.

When he realizes that this isn't going to work, he isn't exactly going to give up. He will stop trying to convince you with words, yes. But he won't leave your side. He will be almost like a ghost behind you. At least until you all get home.

You'll have to lose him or convince his brothers to help you if you don't want him to follow you to your room the moment you get to the House of Lamentation.

If you manage to do this, you will be bombarded with messages until you finally respond saying he can come talk to you in your room.

He knocks on your bedroom door like he normally does. As soon as you let him in and close the door he will get extremely close to you, but he won't hug you no matter how much he wants to. He knows that could make the situation worse.

“So, what happened?” he asks close to your ear and in his calm voice. “Why are you upset with me?”

You poke your head in a gesture.

“Do you want me to think? To guess? *Sigh* Fine...” he says pouting sadly. “Um... I know you get upset because I make you late with your work. Sorry. I promise I'll stop being so pushy about that. But, you know I want to be with you.”

That was a good start, but it still wasn't enough for you. You had your back turned to him without speaking.

“You know, it really hurts to see you mad at me like this. I miss you.” and then it hits him. “Oh... that’s it, I miss you. I don’t think anyone likes to be seen as a guarantee, right? I'm sorry, for being so selfish with you. You always try to make me happy by giving in to my whims, I should do the same for you more often... I mean, I will do the same for you more often. I promise.” You turn to him, but still don't say anything. “um... What if... tomorrow, I have to give in to whatever whims you have? But go easy on me, okay?”

You accept the deal, and tell him so. He laughs, saying that he already missed hearing your voice so much. And if you let him, he'll hug you.

“We still have a lot of time until dinner, and I miss your cuddles. You're not going to say you didn't miss me too, right? Come on, just a few minutes. I promise I'll spoil you more than you spoil me, he he.”

If you would like to read more from me, you can find it in my pinned post: INDEX

[discursiverecursion]

Psst... Queer American fam...

A lot of us are in survival mode right now, and who knows how long that is going to last. An onslaught could begin the first day, or it could be relatively quiet until a storm breaks, so our background stress/anxiety levels are going to be high, and some of the effects of excess circulating cortisol include anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, headaches, digestive problems, and problems with memory and focus.

It’s normal to be struggling right now.

It means you’re human.

I know this sounds bad, but I’m restating a thing I think many people already know, because the thing is, a common tactic of the Right is to put people in a stressful situation and then blame them for their response to it (I’ve seen this referred to in other contexts as “reactive trauma”). As queer folks and people being targeted, we might think we are immune to this, but it works more insidiously than that. It can tear us apart, and it plays out like the following:

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As violence towards our community escalates, they will start publically pointing at things “we are doing” that are “causing” the escalation. 

They will use this term “we”, because they don’t understand that we are not homogeneous.

Sometimes we ourselves, as individuals, will not be part of that “we”. 

It will be terrifying, in that moment, to have rights stripped away (or worse) without having any perceived control, and that lack of control will feel like it is due to the actions of another being blamed on you. 

DON’T FALL FOR IT THOUGH!

This is misdirection. They do not have to hurt us, even if we are loudly gay, even if we protest the ways they are hurting us already.

Please, please don’t let yourself get to a safe place and wonder why others aren’t hiding. You are allowed to keep yourself safe. In fact, I encourage it, but please remember that those of us fighting this thing publicly are not the enemy. We need your support and solidarity.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We are a big family with many different survival strategies:

We don't all have to utilize the same one

We don't have to stick with our original choice over time

We are not bound to only using one at a time

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m going to end this with a list of some survival strategies found in nature, because I'm definitely rambling and this was the thought I actually started typing this post with:

Do you recognize any of your own strategies in the list below?

Do you recognize any that are the opposite?

Can you hold that we are all in this together coping in our own ways, that we are not each others’ enemies?

Can you remember that "health" is a social construct, and that a strategy doesn't have to be the "best" one for it to be functional for the time being to keep someone alive?

I hope you can, because we will need each other to get through the coming years.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

STRATEGIES:

Becoming a spore (more info) - Shutting down completely for a bit - Sleeping more - Building mental walls

Playing dead (more info) - Retreating from social life  - Retreating from social media - Missing work

Camouflage (more info) - Going back in the closet - Codeswitching - Becoming extremely quiet

Mimicry of a more dangerous creature (more info) - Being argumentative/loud - Being assertive - Presenting even more queerly

Nocturnality (more info) - Nocturnality - Avoiding people - Staying in a social bubble

Distraction (more info) - Drag - Hacking - Certain forms of protest

Pursuit-Deterrent Signals (more info) - Making oneself needed - Feigning compliance - Presenting in “stealth” mode

Mobbing (more info) - Protests - Taking down websites - Coworker solidarity to create workspace change

Staying in the middle of a group (more info) - Being in community support networks - Going to therapy - Getting to know your neighbors

Sounding an alarm (more info) - Being loud on social media - Being loud in the workplace - Naming the quiet parts out loud

[jesncin]

huh that’s interesting. About the whole “everyone knows who superman is they just hide it” thing I always thought that was more to do with community? Like I’ve seen the trope a lot (usually with like Spiderman) and I always viewed it as a kind of protecting the community thing? In the way that like people lie to ICE to protect their marginalised neighbours. Admittedly that kind of view only works if it’s like legitimately a small group of people and not everyone but I thought it was meant to be a fantasy fulfilment thing in the way that it means seeing how much people support you and are willing to do to support you and having that safety net? I never really saw it as “wow superman sucks at acting” and more some people willingly turning a blind eye but the different ways that tropes can be interpreted and viewed based off like context and how it’s presented is really cool!

Oh I know where this "Everyone knows Clark is Superman so they hide it" hc/take is coming from, emotionally. And yes it touts itself as "community allyship" because you're protecting the undocumented immigrant by communally agreeing to protecting him. I do want to make the distinction clear that compared to characters like Bats and Spidey that Superman's identity includes a marginalized element to it that the other characters don't have. Clark grew up Other, in a way Bruce or Peter don't. Neither of those guys are getting deported.

The times people have shared this "Everyone knows who Clark Kent is" hc to me, it always came with "because he's bad at acting" or "his lies don't add up (so he's bad at living a double life)" and that being the reason Lois/Jimmy/The Entire Daily Planet do an invasive background check and figure out who he is. Even in a logical narrative sense, then even Lex would figure it out and wouldn't play along. But beside that- this hc relies on taking away Clark's agency and competence/intelligence in order to function as his savior. Clark doesn't get to trust and tell people who he is. Because apparently everyone already knew and conveniently are all politically aligned in a way that don't rat him out. The conflicts his secret identity carries are all gone now.

What about Clark's time in Smallville? Was he bad at acting back then too but everyone also conveniently didn't bother? How conveniently progressive of everyone in Kansas! Surely he decided to hide himself for a reason. But that's the key emotional beat missing in these hcs. Why Clark is hiding to such an extent. It's too focused on how cool it would be to be an ally to Clark.

The only way I'd like a take on "somebody (not everyone/small group) knew about Clark's secret identity" thing is if it was handled with the sensitivity of the I Think Our Son is Gay manga- where it focused on only one character knowing, and being humbled into learning how to be a good ally for her son to trust her with his life without breaking a boundary.

[togglesbloggle]

In Defense of Bad Things

'Bad' here meaning mostly 'amateur'; stuff made enthusiastically by people at an unprofessional level. Art with visible gaps between what the artist imagined and what they achieved, products of flawed craftsmanship. I suppose everybody can appreciate them to some extent, it's a rare parent that doesn't put up their kid's drawings on the fridge in one way or another. But it turns out to be a fully general skill you can cultivate, and the more I do, the more I'm glad I did.

Partly, it's the teacher thing; finding delight in amateur work is one of the ways to find delight in the process of learning. Cultivating a love of striving-qua-striving can help make you a force for good in the world, as people start to feel safe trying to do things when you're around, even when their efforts are wobbly. You get to participate a little more in the process of atoms spinning themselves into ideas, even when there aren't any illusions about whether you're helping cultivate some revolutionary genius in the field.

And partly it's a fabulous way to build community. By necessity, our professional-level skills tend to be at the service of other people, performed for economic benefit; that's kind of how you get professionally good at something in the first place. When we're acting for our own sake, and among friends, most of what we do with one another is amateurish. I only cook middling-okay, I can't hold a tune that well, I'll never be a speed runner for anything. If you can only enjoy singing from the hundred best singers in the whole world, manufactured and polished by major studios, then you and your friends will sit shoulder-to-shoulder and passively listen to music. But it's so much richer an experience to sit face-to-face, actually singing together, even badly; you expose yourself to so many new ways to appreciate and respect one another, building relationships on what you've accomplished and not just by witty criticism or liking the same things.

And partly it's because some of the most powerful and innovative artistic experiences are in high-churn environments with low expectations and low barriers to entry, if only because those catch the passionate and driven young people that have been otherwise overlooked by our systems. The golden age of webcomics meant that a ton of the actual art involved was pretty lousy, but it also produced work that people still talk about today. D&D began as a profoundly unpolished collection of handmade rulebooks sold at cons in a plastic baggie. By the time these products of enthusiastic amateurs filter themselves through various levels of popularity and absorb mainstream cash influx, they're often risk-averse and missing a lot of the bold spark that inspired their fans in the first place; others will simply never drift towards the mainstream at all. I'm not saying you should be the person who goes out to dig through the slush piles of the internet looking for overlooked art, unless you want to be-- but sometimes a work of actual staggering genius also happens to be a Supernatural fanfic by a first-time author who's a little hazy on commas, and if that's a dealbreaker, you're going to miss out on some profoundly valuable experiences.

And hiding behind all of these things is, like...

Our appreciation of beauty has an odd structure, right? When things are done very skillfully, by brilliant artists with years of training, we can usually appreciate those accomplishments. And when we're looking at nature without human influence, and especially when we think very deeply about natural processes and understand them in context, we often rediscover that sense of beauty. There's just this bizarre hole in the middle where we declare things 'ugly'; as if a little skill is worse than none at all.

I really don't trust that gap. It feels like a trick my brain is playing on me, you know? It has me suspicious that a lot of what I consider 'ugly' or 'bad' is not a very direct experience of the world at all, or an informed judgment. That it is, rather, a declaration of (self-, social-) identity; a desire to be seen as a person of good taste, or as somebody who does things well, or just more primitively as one of the monkeys who is in the good-stuff-tribe and not one of the monkeys who is in the bad-stuff-tribe.

[emobirthdaycake]

(Context: you're leaving The Nine Lives after a fight night. It's almost sunrise and you're walking back to your car alone. One of the fighters you watched that night decides to jump you in the parking lot.)

Characters:

Tanner, "Doll", Monroe Englase

It's dark. Not unbearably so, but dark. Almost everyone had left the club already and there weren't any street lights this far away from any real civilization. You weren't bothered though. You'd had fun. You stumbled across The Nine Lives by accident, as is usually the case with newcomers. They clearly try to hide the place from unempowered eyes, which also means you have to know a guy who knows a guy to get in. Which you didn't, but you found it none the less, and you'd definitely be coming back. That you knew for certain.

As you walked across the cracked asphalt, you didn't realize you weren't alone. You felt eyes on your back but that feeling wasn't new by any means.

Suddenly, without any warning, you're grabbed from behind. Strong arms snatch you up and hold you tight. Even as you struggle against them, they don't loosen their grip.

"Now where do you think you're going, little Birdy?" The accent was something European, although you didn't know exactly where from. "I said-" your captor began to repeat themselves, clearly unhappy with your lack of response and continued struggling, "WHERE do YOU think you're GOING."

And then suddenly you knew where you had heard this voice. It couldn't have been more than an hour ago, one of the final matches of the night.

The Fox vs. The Champion.

You had missed what their name was though. Their real name. Everyone got nicknames to fight under, something about protecting your identity in case the department tried to bust the place again.

"I.. was TRYING to.. get to my.. car!" You continue to struggle, remembering how The Fox got into the cage. Tall and thin, you were worried The Champion would snap them like a twig, but they held their own well enough. They lost, but that's not anything to pout about. The Champion is the champion for a reason.

"Well that's too bad, Dove, because I need to have a WORD with you." The disgust and anger in their voice wasn't even trying to hide. "You fucked up. And I want you to rectify that. Don't you want to make it up to me?" They cooed as they turned out over in their grip.

You were face to face now. You could still see the dark bruise around their left eye, even in the dim light. "What did I do? This is the first time we've ever interacted!" You'd given up struggling for the most part, worrying now that you might need your energy to not get your chest kicked in by this angry stranger.

"You know what you did, Birdy. And I know you know what you did because you RUBBED IT IN MY FACE!" You wracked your brain of the events of that night, hoping to find anything that even resembled an act that would warrant this reaction, but came up blank.

"What?!" Was the only thing you managed to squeak out, confused by this aggression. "You, you conniving little- YOU. Are trying to take MY man from me!" Their grip tightened as they stifled whatever name they were going to call you.

"I'm sorry? Who are you even talking about, I spoke to like four people, and two of them were staff members!" The more they spoke the more confused you got. You really had only spoken to a few people. You didn't want to step on any toes, this was your first night at The Nine Lives after all.

"You know exactly who I'm talking about, I saw how you looked at him! Bloodsworth! If you want to leave this parking lot with all your teeth, you won't even BREATHE in his direct again!" You could tell this erratic behavior was abnormal for this vampire, as they looked half mad.

"Bloodswor- TANNER?!" As the realization hit you, it hit hard. His last name was Bloodsworth? Ironic. "Yes Birdy. He's mine. And I won't have some backwater HICK trying to steal him from me." The stranger seemed to calm slightly at your reaction, they were still pissed, but looked less like they were going to claw your skin off.

"W-woah okay I'm sorry! If I'd known I wouldn't have-" You were cut off by the approach of another person.

"Is there a problem here, Monroe?" It was Tanner. You knew it was him before he even spoke but almost didn't believe it. "No, no no no! No problem here baby." Monroe set you back down on the ground. Their grip still tight but attempting a more friendly position.

"Don't call me that." Tanner spat back, looking Monroe up and down with disgust. "But uh, if there isn't any kinda problem, you won't mind lettin' our friend here go on their merry way. Yeah?" He raised an eyebrow Monroe, unamused.

"Oh. OH! Of course~" Monroe practically purred. "Sorry about that Dove." They speak through gritted teeth, you know they don't mean it. "It's fine... I guess." You rub your arm, it hurts from how hard they were gripping you.

"Run along now, before we have a rematch in this very parking lot." Tanner growled at Monroe, and it became clear this wasn't the first time something like this had happened. Monroe slinked away, glaring at you all the while.

"Pay em no mind Doll. They have a weird obsession with me even though I've made it pretty clear I want no part of whatever they have goin' on." He looked genuinely apologetic, and your stomach turned with a warm feeling when he called you "Doll".

"Ah it's fine, I'll be alright. I've had worse." You avoid his eye, worried he'd notice you went a little soft at the pet name. "Let me walk ya back to ya car?" He offered gently, clearly not wanting to push.

"No, thank you though. It's just there, I can make it there all on my own. I'm grown enough to handle that much." He laughs, a hearty laugh. A laugh that makes you want to hear it more. "Well then I'll leave ya to it, [Mr, Ms, Mx] grown enough." He hesitated, he wanted to say something else.

"... Come back?" He offered weakly.

"Like to the club, I mean. It's nice seein' pretty faces like yours around every now and again." He was nervous! Oh god he was cute. "Yeah. You can't get rid of me that easy, promise." You managed to blurt out before you also became a flustered mess.

"Good. Good. I'll see ya 'round then." He smiled as he turned away from you and walked back towards the club. "Yeah. See ya 'round." You added quietly.

You turned around, realizing your car was a little further away than you had thought and sighed. Maybe you should've taken him up on the offer. Oh well, no time to think about that. For now, you needed to make it home and crash as fast as legally possible.

And that's exactly what you decided to do.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I BLACKED OUT AND NOW WE'RE HERE. DON'T LOOK AT ME IF ITS BAD, I CANT WRITE FOR SHIT.

Happy birthday Tannerlings

( @maruniee, @samscowboyhat, @washingtonwerewolf )

[cyanocophrenic]

What are your favorite aspects about blueberry inflation?

lmao I'm so sorry, Anonococcus, you probably don't deserve this, but it's happening anyway.

👆 That's basically the question that prompted me to create this, an entirely separate tumblr from my normie one. I figured I'd write a couple of horny stories, get no attention whatsoever, and look at What I Had Done, and I'd see some patterns, and I'd be like "Ah Okay Now I Understand What's Wrong With Me" (fun fact for y'all homestucks, I'm a diehard Kanaya main. best girl. i miss her. do with that what you will.) anyway and having that analytical understanding of my weird fetishy ways, i'd then dissolve those desires back into the raw psyche-material and integrate them into more realistic, normative sexual expressions irl. i been thinkin' bout berries alone for a long time, and i got really tired and sad being that alone.

anyway, i have at least one fursona now, and i've made some cool friends (with more on the way?), and i keep finding good ideas for stories, and people seem(?) to enjoy the ones i've published, so... you can see how well that worked. and i love what i have now. working toward accepting these things about myself is (and was) the only real way forward, and i'll fight tooth and nail to keep what i've found here.

so, *big boss voice* favorite aspects of blueberry inflation, huh?

Gonna put this under a cut because it's gonna be nasty and weird and vulnerable and I don't wanna just drop that on anybody. Not suggesting that anyone will want to, but maybe don't reblog this if we're not mutuals, or if you don't Get It. And knowing me, Getting It will be a rare occurrence.

And once more, for the people in the back: MINORS DNI !

Favorite blueberry inflation aspects, go:

Well, first of all (and I mean this very literally):

it gets me soaking fucking wet.

I've kinda stopped trying to understand why. I have vague ideas, but I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to explain my needs to someone in a way where their lightbulb clicks on and they get it, and... I could be using that time to look at yummy smut instead, tbh.

It cuts straight through my skull, grey matter, every real and imagined barrier i've put between the outside world and my deepest vulnerability. It hits me dead-center-bullseye in the heart and the mind at the same time. That's a favorite, for sure.

Like... I kind of love everything about it? Even the depictions I don't care for, or the interpretations that don't resonate for me. I don't know if I've just spent too long fermenting alone and maybe I've gone a little crazy, but... I don't think I have. I think I was always like this, but it's been hard to tell without anyone else to provide context. Now I've gotten to talk with some people, and feel a little seen, and see them (i think? a little?) for who they are, and we're so different while still being the same. I knew there were other people like me, but now I Know, y'know? It's a wild feeling.

It's pretty cool how it just haunts me like a shadow, too. I mean that.

Not often, but every once in a while, I'll catch myself in the mirror, avoiding eye contact for some reason. I'll just kinda like... watch myself: long two-tone hair, pronouns, frankly great boobs, muscles, tattoos, long legs... no lie, I'm lowkey a hottie irl. T4T candy, at the very least. It's taken a while to get there, but I can see what other people have seen, sometimes. I have a few really-good things going for me. Not the ones I would choose for myself (get me a rouge the bat bbl STAT), but good nonetheless.

But I digress (a lot).

Anyway, I'll just watch that reflection and think "You think you're supposed to be a blueberry, don't you?" and after a moment, it'll reply "So do you, beloved."

How can I hide from that?

I know this isn't what you wanted this answer to be, Anon, and I'm a little sorry about that. I just can't really answer your question in a fun or hot way at the moment.

I don't think I have favorite aspects of blueberry inflation, disappointing as I know that answer is. I don't know that it's accurate to say I like it, or want it. I'm somewhere else with it for the time being. Hate to say this, but-

Blueberry inflation isn't something I just enjoy. Blueberry inflation is what I am.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Mini & Moni Music was... interesting, kind of concerning? We really know so little about the members - especially if you're like me and don't watch all the lives and documentaries, and read every book or interview. Even if I did all that, though, I wouldn't know much. The more honest they are, the more obvious it is they're "hiding" so much from us and how little we know them. This honesty unintentionally increases the disconnect between us and them, throwing every memory of them in a different light. A lot of the intimacy we feel/felt isn't real because, sometimes, when they look happy they're actually struggling while we enjoy ourselves and their "happiness".

The thing about RM for me is I've struggled to understand him, even if I probably have more in common with him than other members. The way he expresses himself is very opaque to me. I lack the sensibility, or context, I guess, to understand his thought process.

This special content between Jimin and Namjoon was a bit sad. RM doesn't seem happy. Every year, I feel like he reveals that he wasn't happy in the previous year. Has there been any year where Namjoon didn't suddenly reveal he'd been struggling? Because last year he made it seem as if he'd been doing pretty well, and I guess he was better at some point, while working on RPWP, but he'd been having a really rough time. Hearing him say he had to distance himself from BTS in order to heal (I think in 2023, after Indigo, but also applies to chapter 2 in general?) and Jimin saying the members thought he liked them less now... was sad.

RM really had(s) been struggling with the group. I know Hobi really wanted a chance to do something solo, but Festa dinner still feels mostly like it was brought on by Namjoon. I'm pretty sure Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, Suga, and V would've been fine carrying on with group activities with little to no solo activities, and Hobi only wanted a chance to do something different, not necessarily a big break from the group (I think; I haven't watched a lot of chapter 2 solo content, maybe I'm wrong). But RM was truly "done", to the point where the members felt him pulling away from them... RM popping up during one of Jungkook's live and their whole interaction kind of takes on a new meaning. Jungkook had been really happy to talk to Namjoon, and Namjoon said he missed Jungkook and that they needed to hang out. At the time maybe RM had already created distance between himself and the members so they missed each other a lot and there was a kind of uncertainty in their relationship.

I believe in BTS, but this content has made RM, the leader, seem the least excited about BTS, which may be untrue - contradictory and conflicted feelings can coexist. I kind of became concerned about how they'll return as a group (and what that will sound like...) if RM just looks so burnt out and even regretful about many things in their past (like his seriousness before). I know that each member struggled a lot, and for every hard moment there is a good one RM remembers, but I hope that when he comes back he learns how to enjoy being in the group again (or maybe for the first time; maybe he never really knew how to love the group without feeling weighted down by it). Like he says, RM speaks for the group. Most of Festa seems like him speaking for the group while the group itself didn't share his feelings completely but wanted to support him. It's ironic because RM said he feared that the group only represented his thoughts and not the group's, but I really want to know what the other members think. Suga, for example, has always blamed their hiatus on the enlistment, whereas Namjoon has made it clear that wasn't the main reason.

I don't know, I know the group has been through a lot, including the time they almost disbanded (I say almost, but how close were they, truly? Thinking heavily about something and having the intention of doing it are quite different), but this made me lose confidence in the group a bit, at least in RM. In the eyes of the members he's equated to BTS, but it seems like he's drifted apart from them. That's life, but as a fan it was hard to hear. Maybe they all feel the same, and I'm putting it all on Namjoon... This conversation with Jimin was very negative, but that's not the whole truth, and I shouldn't forget that.

[marshmallowgoop]

About Lip Flap...

So, Ending 72 of Detective Conan got me thinking about lip flap:

What do I mean by that? Well, in some circles of the AMV-making world, it's maybe viewed as a "sin" to leave lip flaps unedited when there are no audible words. You either cut out the movements entirely, or you sync up the movements to match the lyrics of the song. Lip flap is distracting and immersion breaking.

Yet... this Detective Conan ending—mixing anime and music just like an AMV!—has lots of lip flap. Characters are talking and living and spouting out conversations, and there's no effort at all to hide or remove that. In fact, this sequence was deliberately animated that way.

And it's far from the only Detective Conan example in this vein. Which brings me to my next thought: early episodes of Detective Conan include instances of montages or characters otherwise moving their mouths without sound, but the FUNimation English dub seemingly found this so uncomfortable that words were added in:

Sometimes, I really love this choice! Conan's voice fading into Shinichi's in Episode 39 is one of my all-time favorite moments in the dub. Similarly, Conan's added little "but"s in Episode 32 are adorable.

But I feel like the montage in Episode 37 is weakened by the added dialogue because we didn't need any words to understand the story, and while Episode 42 might be argued to be more compelling and "show don't tell" without Conan's narration, we do miss a fair amount of information from that narration.

Overall, though, I think the changes indicate a cultural difference. Lip flap without audible words is fine for Japanese audiences, but overseas, it's seen as awkward and jarring.

So, is it a "sin" to include unedited lip flap in your AMVs? Well, it probably depends on who you ask!

But personally, my mindset has changed to not at all. I think there are moments where the indication of words can be quite powerful, just like in Detective Conan Ending 72 or the montage in Episode 37. While I mostly try to remove or sync lip flap in my own AMVs, there are also definitely times where I leave it. What's wrong with showing that there was a conversation?

That said... I gotta come clean. One of my first reactions to Ending 72 was to almost cringe at all the lip flap! But then I thought about it some more. While I'm rather inexperienced with making MMVs (Manga Music Videos), ever since I started, I've been a fan of leaving the speech bubbles unedited, text and all—despite the fact that this, similarly, seems to be somewhat of a "sin." I liked providing context, I liked that there were creative things you could do with the dialogue... and hey, is that really so different from leaving in some lip flap from time to time?

In the end, AMV editing is very subjective. Everyone has their own preferences and styles that speak to them, and that's part of what makes the art form so beautiful to me. But Ending 72 made me step back and reconsider some of the "rules" that I'd drilled into my head. Maybe what I've become so used to seeing as a "flaw" can actually be quite powerful in its own right!

[alexanderwales]

Game Review: Final Fantasy 7 Remake

I'll try to keep this one short.

In theory, I am the sort of person that this game was made for. I played the original Final Fantasy 7 on the original Playstation around 1999, when I was thirteen years old. I have a lot of nostalgia for it.

Unfortunately, it's been 25 years.

Doubly unfortunately, the game, in spite of its name, is not actually a remake.

I go into a lot of games very blind, mostly because I tend to play them either right when they come out (when there's not yet any discourse) or years after they come out (when I've missed everything people are saying). And then I also don't tend to seek out discourse for things until after I've experienced them anyway, which means that I don't have a lot of priming.

Final Fantasy 7 Remake does some alternate timeline fighting against fate things that are supposed to be in conversation with the original game, a path of destiny that they're deviating from in a diegetic way. This did not at all work for me, because my memory of the original game was far too fuzzy: the game covers just the Midgar section of the original, which was a scant four to six hours that I played an entire lifetime ago.

The story sort of works without the context of extensive comparison to the original, but there's a lot that was confusing and was clearly meant to have an impact that was lost on me. The whispers seem to show up when the game threatens to diverge from canon, and ... you know, even when I had made that connection, it was just totally lost on me what canon event was being dodged. If I had known that this was one of the conceits of the game, I would have played the Midgar section of the original first. If I had done that, maybe I would have liked the game better.

Setting all that aside, how is it as a game?

I have two major gripes. The first is that this is a game that just completely disrespects my time with long, repetitive animations and significant portions of playtime that are just "hold left stick forward". Some of this is probably to hiding loading as I was repeatedly squeezing through cracks, but I don't care why it happens, only that it happens and is annoying. The game also liked to give me slow-moving cutscenes that are communicating nothing, and likes to slow Cloud down to a trot, and in general feels sluggish in a way that I kind of hated.

The other major gripe is the combat, which is a weird hybrid of real-time and turn-based. The original was kind of turn-based, and here they gave Cloud a dodge-roll, guard, and basic attack. I personally did not feel like this worked basically at all, but it might be because the dodge roll screams "Dark Souls" to me and then the actual combat has poorly telegraphed attacks with incredibly difficult wind ups and undodgeable stuff. The combat really seems to love long "get back up" animations, interrupts, stunlocks, and other things that take away control, which I despise. I wouldn't say it was hard, but even toward the end I wasn't sure I was playing it "right". In Dark Souls, taking damage is a sign that you're doing something wrong, but this game seems to just assume that you're constantly being whittled down and will need periodic heals. Very possibly a skill issue here, but if it was, then the game's too easy, since I never really had much trouble.

In terms of my overall enjoyment, I think the game was at its best when it was driving forward and being big and ridiculous. Cloud has his huge sword, Barret has his machine gun arm, Midgar is class struggle incarnate, Sephiroth has his angel wing, and it's very fun when it's over the top. Where the game was at its worst, it was giving me busywork and adding in filler. There's a thing a lot of games do where they put their money into the huge set pieces and then skimp on everything else, and for this game, I could really tell, not just in the texture and animations, but the writing. I think I did about half of the side stuff, and if I had to do it over, I would have done less. When I was tearing through Shinra dudes going up the tower? That was great. When I was fighting endless enemies in the lab for not that much reason? Much less great. There was lots of stuff that could have been cut to improve the experience. The ending goes on for far, far too long, with way too many battles, some of which seem like they were added just to have another setpiece.

Since it's been so long since I've played the original, I was getting reintroduced to the characters. Tifa is still the best, Cloud is much more of a nothing character than I remembered him, I think they gave Barret more clear politics, and Aerith ... I still feel like I don't have that much of a sense of her, maybe because there's so much she's keeping to herself for so much of the game (I had never liked her much, for reasons that are still kind of unclear to me). Aerith and Tifa are a great pair though, which I don't think I remember from the original. The love triangle thing doesn't work for me, however.

I'm not sure I'm going to play Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth. Remake was just way too slow for my tastes, roughly 30 hours of what could have been a 10 hour story. My enjoyment of the combat went from "merely okay" to "hate this", with the one highlight being the one-on-one fight with Rufus on top of the Shinra building, maybe because it felt more controlled. Another thirty hours does not really appeal to me, at least right now. I probably will play the Midgar section of the original, especially since that should only take a sliver of time. Maybe that will retroactively make me like this game more.

I was hoping that Remake would make me feel like I felt when I was 13, which I've found remakes and remasters can sometimes achieve, and I only got a few flashes of that.

[monsieuroverlord]

Hellverine #3 Thoughts

The kindle gods were kind to me and I was able to read the issue!

First of all, holy shit, favorite issue so far, what a cliffhanger

Spoilers:

Summary:

Dr. Strange gives more context -- basically, mutants are being corrupted by infernal forces and it's up to Akihiro to put a stop to it. Mephisto has developed a particular liking to Akihiro's pain and suffering. Dr. Strange then gives Akihiro a demonic sigil reference book and sends him on his way while he goes to Asgard.

Then, Akihiro makes his way to Jasmine Falls, which is basically a ghost town, and finds his parents' marital home:

(Rip my heart out, why don't you?)

I mean "If things had turned out differently, this would be a house full of sunlit memories."

Just kill me now. 😭😭😭

Anyway, Aki then resembles some recently broken boards to form a sigil, and then he's ambushed by townsfolk. Naturally, they're super distrustful of him, but Aki breaks free of the net and says he's here to help -- this was his mother's town, after all.

They still don't trust him, but take him back to the temple where they're all hiding out, led by a man called Haru. This is immensely painful for Akihiro as the demon hates being in such a holy place -- sacred places and symbols carry across cultures, it turns out. Akihiro withstands it, and Haru gives him a talisman. Haru is also the father of the last kid in the village, called Botan, who is currently chained up in the temple for his protection.

Botan keeps referencing "Mother" calling him, but his bio-mom is in the temple with them.

Haru gives the rundown of what happened: a strange, cloaked figure, just out of the corner of their eye, arrives in Jasmine Falls and went to Itsu's house. That night, a ritual took place and the children of the village started disappearing, even from right out of their own homes!

Many left the village completely, while those who stayed search for the missing children.

Akihiro then pulls out his giant demon book and cross-references it with the sigil he saw in his mother's home. He translates it as "defiler."

Botan then escapes his chain and runs off. Haru chases after him and then Akihiro follows after them (The villagers straight up lock him out as well, so he didn't really have a choice)

Aki then finds Haru impaled and asks what happened! In true horror movie fashion, Haru weakly tells Akihiro to look out behind him as Hellverine takes over, which reveals none other than *drum roll*

A defiled demonic version of his mother, Itsu!

Whew, what a cliffhanger!

My thoughts:

Favorite issue so far, really picks up the pace from the last issue. It was poignant and heart-wrenching in the best way. Emotionally? I am devastated.

The setting being the village Akihiro never got to grow up in really adds a lot of emotional weight, which helps a lot storytelling-wise.

I wish it reveals Aki either grabbed something or goes back for a memento of his mother next issue. Maybe he kept the photo, that would be nice too, but I'd prefer something without Logan, lol. (He's had enough of the spotlight).

Maybe the villagers give him something as well? Give the man something, dammit! We gotta balance out the sad.

Anyway, very bittersweet, I hope it sticks the landing and March can't come soon enough. If anyone needs me, I'll be dramatically yearning on a chaise lounge waiting for death to overtake me.

[syabm]

Radfems aren't exactly leftists. They're pretty roundly shunned by leftists because of their transphobia.

BZZT! Wrong!

TERFs are hated, because they hate trans ladies, who out-minority regular ladies. Non-TERF radfems have mostly been ignored as an embarrassment, like Rochester's wife in the attic.

Frankly, I think it's quite telling that the only type of feminists it's okay for mainstream progressives to openly hate are two degrees from regular feminism.

And even then, a lot of people ignore how the hatred of trans women is from hating men, and misuse "TERF" as a shorthand for "anyone considered transphobic".

Including me. And I'm a man.

Also, they don't stop being leftists just because other leftists hate them. By that logic, all the times communists and socialists have tussled means neither of those groups were leftist.

Please note that I have seen quite a few explicitly leftist radfems.

Most of my friends are leftist women. If they hate me for being a man, they hide it well. Even the lesbians.

Your experiences are not universal.

Such as, somehow, missing the Man vs Bear In The Woods meme. Or the M&Ms meme. Or Schrodinger's Rapist. Or Russian Roulette.

In fact, feminists have spent a lot of time and effort on ways to say it's perfectly fine for women to assume a man is a bad person by default.

To say any group dominated by men will be misogynist, but not being worried about the converse, ever.

I think that qualifies as "hate".

"funny how women dont turn to fascism and rightwing politics in masses because of the hatred and discrimination we are and have been faced with for centuries 🤨" Don't take things out of context.

See, I interpreted that part as the cause.

Saying women aren't becoming right wing "in masses", and it is because they have been discriminated against for centuries.

You could argue that the radfems I mentioned are an exception to the rule I pointed out of how right-wing women downplay misogyny to spite feminism, but radfems don't neatly fall on either side of the left/right divide. They're too feminist for the right and too transphobic for the left.

Here's a clue. The name.

Feminists are progressives. Radical feminists, as the name would indicate, are extremists, so they're just further along that line.

Which leaves them progressive-to-leftist, IME.

Also, Trans-Inclusionary radfems are a thing.

I'm not sure why you're devoting so much effort to addressing this one tangent, instead of my much more important and relevant points.

But I can guess.

I just want to remind you that I consider you someone who is always wrong and acts out of left-wing partisanship, so I have literally no reason to believe a word you say without very, very good evidence.

Also, my hands are cramping now, and this is already off topic, so I'm gonna stop. Night!

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[autobot-ratchet]

earthspark season two episode four!

Swindle at the carnival what will he play

oh? we got a new human villain?

I do gotta admit, this fairmaestro dude intrigues me, every single time I've been like "bro what is keeping Swindle from simply stomping this dude and his tent" I get a clear fuckin answer lmAO dude can handle himself. I'm gonna love watching him get owned

aww Schloder's been reduced to dunk tank worker??? come on, give the dude a little more respect than that

oh lord are we doing preteen romance lmAO

yknow I had this line of thought before but I dismissed it since this is a show for children and I figured it would never be relevant but now that we're doing preteen romance I gotta wonder. are all Robby's siblings gonna be able to feel what he's feeling for this girl lmfAO is this kid just never gonna have an actual moment of privacy

so this fairmaestro guy doesn't even know what he's got huh

gjfsdklagf I love how Robby's romantic feelings are like straight up torture for the others to feel, I thought they'd go the route of them knowing exactly what these feelings are and being like "haha eewww~" and teasing Robby about them but every time Robby feels a feeling for this girl they're all just like writhing in agony. I suppose the physical sensations that having a crush gives you just on their own without the context of there being a subject of affection WOULD be terrifying and unpleasant lmfAO

gfdsjk dAMN that bystander just got fuckin wrecked

aw man I miss ddr

fhdjks the fairmaestro is just smacking the shit out of all these random carnival-goers

good, I was worried Mo was gonna just infodump the ember stone's whole entire shit, don't tell him nothing

dude couldn't just take your shard back and leave, no you gotta try to do child trafficking

hell yeah go Mo, fuck shit up

THE RIDE IS FLYING??? IT CAN JUST DO THAT

fdsghj there it is, Twitch has identified Robby's feelings and is now giving him shit for it

also hey wait I literally didn't even think about this until just this second, the terran kids are just out in the open now lmfAO I mean it makes sense bc ghost disbanded and that was really the only reason we were keeping them hidden but it did not click for me until just now that we don't have to worry about hiding anymore

oh what the fuck I don't think a crush does all this lmAO ah shit I gotta translate things again hang on... (edit: actually I can't translate the text in these beams of light because I straight up cannot find a cipher for it lmAO this isn't written in any kind of cybertronian alphabet I can find so like. weird lmAO why are we not using the autobot alphabet now when that's the one we've been using the whole show so far??? I even tried to see if there was a quintesson alphabet somewhere and got nothing so I have no clue what's written here or why we're using a different cipher. It's a probably seven-letter word repeated over and over, that's all I can gather for now)

are we fucking combining!?!?!? what just happened lmAO

yknow. now that I'm seeing the entire ride all at once, especially flying in the air, it looks a lot like Cosmos

LMFAO IT IS COSMOS honestly that tracks, the fairmaestro said something that suggested he's put living mechanical beings in his "collection" earlier

oh lord that means some kid threw up inside Cosmos's alt mode oh hon we gotta give your interior a deep clean

lol get dunked

aw man Schloder almost got to be cool and arrest this guy. is that why he was here in the first place lmAO was he working the dunk tank as part of his cover, I'm choosing to believe this

hEY WAIT. HEY WAIT THAT'S WEIRD AL LMFAO THAT RULES I love how often Weird Al shows up in transformers media, good for him

wh. Cosmos honey how long have you been stuck in your alt mode? he didn't even know about Megatron switching sides????

Izzy huh. I wonder if she'll go the way of fuckin what's-her-face from tfp that Jack liked for a couple episodes, Sierra, I wonder if Izzy's gonna be relevant for a couple episodes and then fade into obscurity or if she'll actually be a character lmAO

[kajibunny]

°˖➴ (my love) letter to you~ ₊⋆♡⸝⸝💌⊹ w/ the wind breaker boys

✿ featuring: haruka sakura, hajime umemiya, ren kaji, hayato suo, akihiko nirei, jo togame ✿ fluff, f!reader, pet names for you!, some suggestive content for togame, suo and kaji (pls i had to)  ✿ a/n: love letters from the love of your life! (this was supposed to be for just one of them (guess who) but it's too cute to not to have it for all of them - so why not!) please give them all some love, cuties! ♡ (〃ω〃)  ✿ wc: 2.6k

you've got mail! reply? ₊˚⊹♡

── . ♥︎ from: kaji 

hey brat, 

this is all your fault. i may have asked hiragi-san yesterday...for advice. after i talked about you, and what i felt, he came up with the conclusion that i was 'madly in love with you', but i decided to ask you myself if you think that's the case, and if you feel the same way?

when did i start feeling this way? after our first date, i think. when i walked you home after my patrol. 

you asked me if i wanted to hold hands while we crossed the street. you asked me what my favorite lollipop flavor was. you asked me without context whether i preferred the lights on or off. (please clarify these things before asking, i almost got the wrong idea, damn it!!!) i don't think i've had anyone ask me that many questions, it was like you were interested in the most miniscule details about me for some reason.

though, i'm always interested in hearing what you have to say. (fine, i'll take off my headphones anytime you want to talk my ear off, so don't pout anymore!)

your curiosity knows no bounds. it's one of the things i like about you, i think. you also asked me what my favorite song was. there's quite a lot to choose from, but right now, your voice is my favorite song. i could listen to it on repeat if it was a full album, you know? (hell, i sound like a lovesick fool. and no, that won't be the title of our next playlist.)

so anyway, here are my symptoms: the pace of my heartbeat quickens (i thought i was going to get a heart attack) but only every time i see you, i get really anxious whenever you aren't by my side, and i always tend to end up doing stupid things when i'm with you. remember our first kiss? yeah, sorry. didn't mean to bite your bottom lip really hard there. also didn't mean to make fun of you when you asked me to 'kiss it better'. you're just too...cute sometimes. 

p.s. also, don't think that you're so sly, because i'm fully aware of all the things you're trying to pull on me too. i didn't miss the way you went for me while i was sleeping on your lap on the rooftop the other day, i know you kissed me while my eyes were closed. i felt it and i tasted cherries on my lips. the same cherry lip balm you use sometimes. i thought it was my lollipop because it was sweet, but it was soft, so i know it's you.

i remember when i asked you for music recommendations, then you sent me this ridiculous playlist? (with the title: kissing kaji??? really??) you said you sent it by accident but i don't buy it at all.

yes, i did read each title - what even is a lollipop kiss? and no, i'm not sure how you have the time or energy to come up with these things, but nice try.

also, when i went to your house then you answered the door in just my hoodie, nothing underneath, what was that about? (and don't ask me how i noticed that you were wearing only that). 

i don't think i can enumerate everything, because then it would take forever for you to finish reading, so this is it for now. i think i've said too much.

let me know what you think? i just can't help but notice the littlest things about you, too. i know you very well, so don't even hide or try to pretend with me. let me know if you're developing the same symptoms as i am. if yes, i think you may be 'madly in love' with me too? 

i'm yours if you'll have me, 

ren

— after reading his letter, you tell kaji that you've caught a serious case of the "i love ren kaji syndrome" and that the only thing that can cure it is if kaji gives you a thousand "passionate and steamy" kisses. kaji flicks your forehead softly and tells you "it's incurable and you'll have it forever, idiot. i love you too." 

── . ♥︎ from: umemiya

hi my pretty flower!

hope you're all better now? 

you seem tired because you've fallen asleep while cuddling with me by the bonfire yesterday at our BBQ party. you're so cute, though, rubbing your cheek against my chest. (yes, you were also snoring, drooling, and sleep talking, but it's adorable and i love everything about you!) 

i also just wanted to say thank you for taking care of me yesterday! the party wouldn't have been the success that it was if you hadn't done all that cute decorating! and planned all those fun games. everyone loved you! (but of course, i love you the most!) i think the activities tired you out? and sakura and sugishita were sure a handful, huh? we had to step up and be parents to a dozen rough and rowdy boys! kidding aside, i'm sorry you had to go through all that, my poor baby. now it's my turn to take care of you!

i'm not sure if you remember this, but i carried you up to my room, (bridal style, of course. i know you wouldn't have it any other way. i had to, since all of them kept telling us to 'get a room' - as usual haha) when i tried to sleep next to you, you pulled me in and hugged me tightly, then kept softly planting kisses to my face and my hair, (particularly pressing gentle ones to the scar on my eyebrow), and murmuring about how you thought it was so beautiful, how much you loved me, and that i was your hajime (your first). i don't know what i did to deserve you, my darling. 

no one's ever made me feel the way you do. (well, granted, i love my garden, i love eating, i love my siblings, and of course i love bofurin, but the way i love you is different.) 

i know you'll see this once you wake up and you'll tell me you don't remember that any of this ever happened (because you're so shy and a cutie) but it's okay, because i'll always be here to remind you.

i love you with all my heart, 

(your) hajime

— you smile to yourself as you look over at the sleeping umemiya laid down next to you, lips all red and raw from all the kissing the two of you did after you had read his special love letter addressed to you.

── . ♥︎ from: nirei

dear princess, (can i call you that?) 

i couldn't believe it when you said you liked me? are you sure? sorry for asking again, i just didn't know how someone like me would get so lucky to have someone like you. you're just so pretty and nice inside and out! 

by the way, you look so gorgeous today (as you always do) with your sundress on! it suits you so well! you're so elegant, like a princess. (hence the nickname.)  

also, thank you for letting me take you out on a date! i had so much fun just walking around the amusement park and sharing crepes with you. i feel bad that i had to hold on to you during the horror house. and the roller coaster. and the teacup ride. you said it was alright and you even kissed my forehead (for some reason, it calmed me down alot! - sorry for almost fainting, though. but rest assured i really liked it!) 

i was really nervous the night before our date, so i asked suo for dating tips. he told me to just be myself, so i tried to, but it's just hard to seem cool and composed in front of someone i really like.

truth be told, i've liked you for a while now. i may have written about you in my journal, too. hope that's alright with you? i can show it to you someday, but just giving you a heads up that it's mostly about how cute you are and how your smile is enough to make my entire day.

i'm pretty shy about admitting this to you, truth be told. that's why i was struggling to form sentences when you did my hair with the pins, and told me i looked like a sunflower. i think that's the sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me. 

thanks for taking a chance on me, i hope i can express myself more on our second date? (would it be alright if i go for a kiss next time too?)

nirei

— you fold the letter and return it where it was once placed, stacked among a pile of many others, neatly arranged in a box labeled: "to my princess: on our wedding day", as you return and read it again and again, smiling brightly at your dashing husband, akihiko nirei.

── . ♥︎ from: sakura

hey. you. 

why are there so many pictures of you on my phone? i'm not mad, okay. i'm just not used to it. i'm not used to seeing your smiling face every time i unlock my phone. it's too radiant, i think. and i see you every day anyway. you look just as...radiant, in person. but, i guess i don't really mind. i used to have nothing much stored on my phone, until you came along. 

i used to not like eating vegetables, too. (i mean, i still don't like them) but whenever you lectured me on my health and how you'd "get so lonely and have no one to kiss" if i got sick and died from not eating vegetables - fine, i'll eat them for you. i hate seeing you worried more than i hate eating vegetables anyway. and i wouldn't ever want you to be lonely, i know what that feels like, but now i don't anymore, since i have you.

i used to have no pillows too, until you did your "shopping haul", is that what it's called? i honestly have no idea. i asked what you wanted in return and you told me you just wanted me to be your pillow. what do you even mean by that? is it the way you hug me tightly every night as if i am your pillow? am i just some inanimate object to you?!

sorry. didn't mean it to come out that way. suo says i should be gentle with you and remind you everyday about how beautiful you are. pretty sure that guy does not know what he is talking about because i'm sure you already know that. that you're very beautiful. i'm sure you do, because every day i see new pictures of your face on my phone. you wouldn't take that many pictures if you didn't know you were pretty. i think, looking at them now, i don't think i'll ever get tired of your face.

i used to have nothing before i had you.

you're everything to me,

sakura

— sakura wondered why you were bawling your eyes out, as he was sure he hadn't intended his letter to be sad or to make you cry. you buried yourself in his outstretched arms, unable to recover from the most romantic thing you've ever read in your life. "you're my everything too, haruka." you whisper in his ear, feeling sakura hold back a choked sob from your embrace.

── . ♥︎ from: suo

my dearest love, 

you said you couldn't figure me out sometimes and wanted to read what's on my mind, so here it is, i'll let you read it, literally! anything for you, my love. i guess i'm writing it all down in a letter because i'm quite a bit old fashioned that way! 

speaking of old fashioned, i hope you like the flowers i sent you the other day? i hope you find them beautiful, though i'd like to point out that of course, nothing can ever compare to how beautiful you are. in flower language, i think you would be a ghost orchid - one of the rarest flowers in the world, known for its otherworldly beauty and is a symbol of imagination. it is also called to be the "star of the forest" for it's star-like shape and ethereal growth in the darkness. 

cheesy as it sounds, you're my ghost orchid. the light that appears through my dark tunnels. you've wholeheartedly accepted me for who i am, even if i told you i had an ancient spirit sealed in my eye. i vividly remember you telling me: "hayato, i don't really mind but i hope your ancient spirit doesn't also mind watching us kiss. because we are going to. a lot." you're just so charming, love.

you're also the only one my negotiation tactics don't work on, it seems. there's just no fooling you, you always see right through me. it scares me, but in a good way. 

i said once that i was afraid of manju...yeah, besides from it being an iconic comedic line, i was also thinking of you. you're like a manju. your soft skin is similar to a piece of fluffy dough. i'm scared because i might fall in too deep. i'm scared because you're so soft and fluffy and i'm afraid i would ruin you. 

now that these things are known to you, me baring some of my deepest thoughts, being openly vulnerable, there's no turning back is there? 

you'll just have to tell me yours too, 

hayato

— that night, you bared your soul to suo, as well as your body. suo loved you as you are, including all your vulnerabilities. well, maybe you did give in to his negotiation tactics, sometimes. there's just something about his letter that made you want to share your innermost thoughts and desires with him, too. 

── . ♥︎ from: togame

hello, sweetheart.

where do i even begin? 

you make me so happy, and i just wanted to let you know that not an hour passes by that i'm not thinking about you. we spent the whole day together yesterday, but why is it that i'm still constantly thinking about you? 

maybe it's the way i notice how you express your love languages to me. every single one of them, just for me.

maybe it's the way you looked so surprised when you held my hand and found out it was so much bigger than yours, then you said you loved how big i am. (my height, right?) (words of affirmation)

maybe it's the way you automatically knew i wanted a ramune from the convenience store, then tried (and struggled) to open it up for me. the way you furrowed your brows and pouted while pushing the cap was really cute of you. thank you for trying so hard for me, baby. (acts of service)

maybe it's the way you immediately rushed to the stall i was working at during the summer festival and demanded that i give you "ten of everything we have as well as the biggest serving of jo togame possible." even though i'm sure you won't be able to finish all of that. (yes, myself included.) you're so adorable and funny. (quality time)

maybe it's the way you throw your arms around my neck whenever we kiss, like you depend on me for support. i'd like you to know that i depend on you just as much. i like when you sit on my lap, too. it makes me feel so close to you. (physical touch)

i hope i didn't miss anything? (except you, i always miss you.)

maybe it's just the way that you're perfect for me, and i love everything about you. let me express that to you through my words and actions too.  

told you i'm always thinking about you, 

jo 

— as soon as you read his letter, you decided to draft up one of your own, too, but ended up crumpling it in the end because you didn't know how to sum up the immense love you felt for your jo in just a few words. actions spoke louder than words when it came to togame, anyway. so there you were, ramune in hand, surprising your boyfriend at the ori, inviting him to 'toast to finding the one man you will love for the rest of your life.'

© kajibunny 2024 / all rights reserved

[lividria]

i swear every time i get into a game that has an actual community it'll feel like i just woke up on mars because i usually dig really deep into a game's lore, history, trivia, unused content, etc. and THEN i'll find stuff from the community and i don't even mean for that to happen it just works that way and it always plays out the exact same way without fail besides for when there is no community

like, a week or two ago i remembered OFF exists, watched a whole playthrough of it, have been listening to it's OST an unhealthy amount (I'm doing it right now, Unreasonable Behavior is so good), i go onto tumblr, first OFF post i see once i add it's tag to my feed is someone's art for an AU where all the characters all like hang out at a cafe together or something and everything is chill, which is like the antithesis of everything i had just experienced related to the game and i couldn't help but laugh in confusion once i realized what i was looking at

i go in the discord server for iconoclasts after obsessing over the game for like a year and annoying the fuck out of my friends about it, literally the only fanmade character i have seen is a chemico contra member who's also a phlebotomist, i had to google what a phlebotomist is and like... i didn't look into their lore by ctrl-f-ing or whatever so i'm probably missing something, but how do you come to this conclusion (actually i think i know, they mentioned they actually became one at some point after making this character which is really funny actually)

i start watching videos about pikmin after finally beginning to slowly come off one of the most intense hyperfixations i've had in my entire life to the point i had played through all 5 games in the series and dedicated weeks and entire days to trying to figure out the lore before giving up because it's nintendo lol and spending a roughly equal amount of time trying to come up with intentionally terrible ideas for more games in the series only to accidentally get WAY too into it (see my alph wraith post lol), i am greeted with Fiddlebert, and a later a dub of an AU where the player character is actually a wraith and is hiding it from the rest of the rescue corps (this post is still probably one of the funniest jokes i've ever seen) and the entire thing scarily resembles the type of shit i'd write if i was given this premise to work with down to the mention of an innocent child being consumed that's first brought up with a doodle of them saying "Oh boy I sure do hope being alive!" while holding The Goo THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I TREAT HORRIBLE EVENTS IN MY STORIES WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM

i look at the tag for ultrakill on tumblr and feel like i just got sent to hell myself with the punishment of being stuck in a permanent state of confusion due to the sheer contrast to the source material all the fanart has, same goes for most of the posts about it in general actually, i go in expecting like blood & violence and instead i'm greeted with gabriel & v1 making out. drawn by 50 different users. (i don't even need to link anything here just check #ultrakill you'll see)

and this isn't even touching on all of the ships i've seen that are utterly incomprehensible to me because. like. why magolor and the snowman enemy? why kingsly and puddle??? i thought alph didn't like louie? wait also what do you mean at least two people's headcanon is that louie is trans? (ok i couldn't re-find some of the things in this paragraph and i'm too tired to conduct an in-depth search but you could probably find it if you looked)

i'm not hating on anything i brought up here it's just a bunch of funny examples i think about a lot now that i've seen them, you guys go do whatever you want even if i don't get it go have fun lol, i just love the feeling of pure confusion when i walk into the room and get punched in the face with a complete subversion of my expectations because it feels like i'm missing SO MUCH CONTEXT and i never get used to it i love it i love the internet

[soaringwide]

Hey 👋🏻

I'm a new follower. How are you doing? May i get a reading please? I want to know myself better, like most of my life i have focused on others and not at all on myself so i sort of don't know myself, i mean i do but i also don't ykwim?

Thank you sm in advance. I hope you have a nice month ahead. Take care

Hello, thank you for reaching out :)

I designed a 6 cards spread (we'll se how many pop out in the end, I take whatever shows up for this position and clarifiers, so between 1-3 per position) to help you get you to know yourself better. Hope that helps and as always I'll be glad to hear if you have feedback!

Note: free readings are currently closed.

Let's start with the bottom of the deck which shows the overarching theme of the reading. You got Justice which definitely points towards a desire to assess an issue in a neutral way to be able to understand and judge it fairly. However, too much neutrality is not necessarily a good thing in your case since it can show some type of detachment or feeling like you're watching things from the outside when, really, you're in control of your life and who you are. Perhaps this card indicates a necessity to put yourself back into the driving seat, being the one who decides and take control.

As for who you are right now, I think you're currently feeling a bit frustrated with the pace of your growth. I think you tend to compare yourself to others and wondering why things feel so stagnant right now for you. Perhaps you're wondering what piece of the puzzle you're missing in order to feel complete, and that others seem to have figured out, and that's pushing you to look outside of yourself. The eight of wands coupled with jealousy (both reversed) are very outward cards, which is interesting because it's in the position defining yourself, showing that you're directing your energy outside of yourself a lot in a situation where you should be doing the opposite, which is creating this feeling of blockage and stagnancy.

For your strengths, the upright Ace of Swords typically shows someone who is communicative and decisive with a clear understanding of their thoughts and inner processes. They are not afraid to speak up and express their opinion. However, it appears reversed, which to me shows that you gives away your power, or rather, hide it from others and yourself. I feel like you're someone who's selfless and wants to spread harmony wherever you go, you fear being seen as too imposing and self-centered, which is an amazing quality but I think it's unbalanced here. So I think you have the potential to embody the qualities of the upright Ace of Swords while maintaining your gentle core, but there are things that get in the way. The fact that you are aware of your shortcoming as shown in your message show me that you really have this quality, there are just things getting in the way of the next step.

Your subconscious influences (or shadow in this situation if you will) are shown by a tendency to struggle to feel free being yourself, which makes total sense in your context. You feel like you need to be someone specific or be a certain way and you don't allow yourself the freedom to explore who you are, within yourself and in the way you express it to others. You need to learn to be a bit more carefree and to let go of the expectations you've internalized from others. The Sun card shows a joyful child who enjoys life without thinking of the consequences, and I think that's precisely what you have trouble setting free within yourself.

As for how you see yourself, you see yourself as someone who mirrors their inner values in the world, and is a good influence on others. You see yourself as someone who is there to support everyone and be the one we call when we are in distress. There might be a bit of a savior complex. You feel like you have a good idea of how you can help others and you want to show them how. Again the idea of selflessness shows up. There is a seriousness to this card that is in stark contrast with your child-like, subconscious influences, showing that you're blind to a big part of yourself.

The way you think others view you is again represented by a card that shows the influence you have on others, this time structured around the idea of change. You feel like others see your transformative power on them, but that it's not always positively welcomed because change can be painful and scary. However you also feel like people don't see your loving desire to take care of them and might misinterpret it and not trust it. Perhaps you think others are a bit intimidated by you and don't see the positive impact you can have on them. Of course the way people actually see yourself will vary a lot, this is only the way you *think* others view you.

Finally, the advice for how to get to know yourself better came with three cards that feel like a natural progression.

First, you need to understand that no matter the tough situation you feel you are in, the only thing you can do when you've hit rock bottom is to get back up and move again. 10 is a completion, so you have the opportunity to start fresh after what felt like a defeat. Clarity (Ace/1 of Swords) is just around the corner if only you dare having faith in it. Your current foggy landscape is not definitive and you have the power to clear your mind.

Once you've realized that, you need to evaluate what it is you feel unclear and indecisive about and spend time pondering over it. There are inner conflicts within you that you haven't addressed, and I think the issues we talked about in this reading are a good place to start. Why do you think you need to erase yourself for others? Why do you only see value in what you can bring others? Why are you afraid to be a bit more carefree? What's stopping you from expressing yourself freely?

I'm not saying you need to ditch your personality. I think you have very noble qualities, but they are unbalanced and it's draining you in the long run and stopping you from being happy.

This need to restore balance is shown by the final card, Temperance reversed. This Major Arcana is all about tempering the various aspects of yourself, and the rx position shows the need to restore this balance. You need to learn to get back in touch with yourself which will provide deep healing for you.

There are multiple ways you could go on about it. You could journal with the goal to answer the questions that arise within you, sort of like an introspective journey. Try to reflect on what happened during the day, how and why you reacted the way you did. You could also start therapy (look into systemic therapy, which focuses on interpersonal relationships) to support you on your journey of self-discovery. Doing both would be the best as it will speed up the process and give you a safe space to explore.

Another thing is to get in touch with what bring you joy, for yourself only. Look into self care practices and try to see what you've always wanted to do but never dared to. You don't have to do complicated things. Perhaps going on a walk in nature and just spending time in silence with yourself would bring you great comfort. Or taking care of something you've neglected for too long.

Another thing would be picking up a new hobby (or going back to something you've left behind for whatever reason) that makes you feel enthusiastic and stimulated. I believe that when we're learning and developing new skills, a side effect of it is expanding who we are and helping us discover new aspects of ourselves. There is great knowledge and pleasure to gain from such things and I think you would benefit from it greatly.