#with as much of a love/hate relationship as i have with microsoft excel

[221b-bitch-st]

fanfiction spreadsheet in the year of our lord and savior 2025??? more likely than you think

[cafedanslanuit]

would it be ok to ask for hcs of the main 6 + vaderwood and how they would react to their normally energetic and funny mc being a little off and making some self-deprecating jokes (like a little too dark to be funny) as a way of coping and hiding their anxiety/depression? if not thats ok im just in a similar mood today.

self-deprecating jokes are my thing too, tbh. hope you’re feeling better! Also, I couldn’t picture Vandy for this particular hc, I’m sorry :c

Yoosung

This boy honestly loves how fun you are. He will always laugh with you and you don’t tease him that much (Saeyoung does that for you)

One day, when he comes home from his job at the vet, he finds you calling for pizza. He lets you finish the call and then you look up.

“Hey, welcome back! I accidentally left the stove on for too long and messed up dinner” you casually said, with a small giggle. “So I called Pizza Hut, hope it’s okay”.

“It’s okay!” he says. “I love pizza”

“I know, me too” you smile. You stand up and stretch your arms. “Okay, so I’ll take a shower before it gets here. How the fuck did I forget the stove on, I don’t know” you laugh. “I swear to God I would totally leave me at this point”.

Yoosung says nothing, shocked. He watches you walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. He knows you like to joke around, but that joke had been pretty specific. Leave you? Why would he leave you? Over some burnt food?!

He waits until you come out, wrapped in a towel and hands you a cup of your favourite tea. You smile weakly.

“An award for my awful cooking?” you tease him.

“Hey! It’s just food! And you solved it. I don’t really care, MC, please let it go”. He sees your lips tremble a little bit. “Are you okay?”

You had a really rough day at work. You tell him all about it while sipping on the tea and he silently listens to you, nodding at the right times. The pizza finally arrives and he puts on your favourite show so you both can watch it. When you go to bed, he makes sure to give you extra cuddles, so you never have to feel any more pressure on yourself.

Zen

Honestly, he’s not the best at comedy. But he really likes how much you can make yourself laugh with your own jokes.

He comes home and hands you his tablet. You arch an eyebrow and look at him from the couch. He sits beside you and asks you to press play. You nod and comply his request.

It’s a video from rehearsal. He’s singing at he’s actually hitting all the notes just right. You smile softly, watching the video in silence. When it’s over, you turn and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re amazing, babe. You did the song soooo good! How can you be so talented?”

“Thank you, babe. And I don’t know, can’t help it. I’m just talented.” he shrugs, with a confident smile.

“Well, someone has to be” you responded quickly. His smiled faltered and he looked at you, confused.

“What are you talking about? You are talented too. I’ve seen your drawings, those building projects you have been working on. They’re masterpieces, MC, I love them and–”

“I didn’t get the job, Zen” you quickly answer, not looking at him. “They didn’t like those ‘masterpieces’” you added, making the colons signs with his fingers.

Oh. So they had already sent you the email.

Zen would put the tablet aside and hold you on the couch. Whisper over and over again how talented you truly are and how they were in the wrong for not noticing it.

“If they can’t see how brilliant you are, why would you want to work for them?” he asked. “I’ve been rejected more times that I can count. I know how you feel. And you know what makes me feel better?”

You look at him and shake your head.

Ten minutes later, you’re both riding on his motorcycle, feeling the air against your face. you hug him tighter and smile.

Jaehee

Jaehee’s not one for jokes. But she does enjoy the occasional laugh she has with you. You make tons of jokes, but, unlike Saeyoung, you know when to stop

“Babyyyyyyyy, I’m a mess!” you complained, stretching on your bed. Both of you were working on your laptops, when suddenly you put yours aside.

“C’mon. Help me, Excel Goddess! Can’t seem to make this thing to work and I need to show it to my boss tomorrow” you asked. Jaehee smiled softly, put her laptop aside and grabbed yours. She started typing formulas, fixing your work.

“You’re so good to me, baby. Thank youuuu. That’s why you’re the smart one here”. Jaehee just smiled, continuing her work.

“They should have taught me Excel in school instead of sports. Did anyone of my class turn out to be an athlete? No one. Are we struggling to get a job because we don’t know shit about Excel? We are”.

“Maybe that’s why I’m failing. Maybe that’s why I had to settle with this shitty job, because I can’t comprehend the monster that in Microsoft Excel. Maybe that’s also why my Computer Science teacher hated me at school” you said dramatically. Jaehee chuckled softly.

“Maybe that’s why my whole life is a mess right now. Maybe that’s why I can’t find joy in the things I do anymore, maybe that’s why my father left us. Because I’m a shitty person who can’t do Excel and can’t get a decent job”.

She stopped typing and looked over at you.

“MC. What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m tired. Don’t think about it too much”

“I-… Do you want me to talk to Mr. Han? Maybe there’s a position and… I know C&R takes most of my time but an entry level job may be good– at least for your resumé and–”

“I’m fine. Don’t think about it, baby” you dismissed, but Jaehee grabbed your hand.

“Can’t you really find joy anymore?” she asked. You sighed.

“Happens to me when the cold weather beggins. Will go away in a couple of weeks” you shrugged. Jaehee squeezed your hand.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help you… well, find joy again”.

“You do help!” you assured her. “I can find bits of joy here” you smiled and gave her a small kiss. She smiled and kissed you back.

Jumin

Jumin doesn’t understand most of your jokes. Most of the times, you have to explain them to him. He doesn’t mind, but it’s only because he really enjoys watching you laugh at your own jokes. The sight of you giggling it’s enough to light up any day.

That day, you decided to visit him during lunch. Which wasn’t a rare occurrence, you tried to visit him at least once a week, making sure with Jaehee you wouldn’t be interrupting.

“Good afternoon, my love. Didn’t expect you here” he greeted you, giving your cheek a tender kiss when you approached him. You gave him the bento you had prepared and sat in front of him, on the other side of his desk.

“I know. I just thought your darling, loving wife might make an appearence. I do have to keep those heiresses away from you” you laughed. He smiled softly and opened his bento. “Don’t want them making you change your mind about marrying some poor girl who couldn’t even afford university by herself”.

Jumin arched his eyebrow while eating his lunch. “Is there a problem with your classes? I thought you were excited about finally attending university, even if most of the classes are online for security reasons. Are the professors not competent enough? Are they not grading you fairly?”

You laughed. “No, Jumin, classes are fine. I just… Don’t really fit with your social class, you know. I mean, I knew I wouldn’t fit, but someday’s it really… just… I don’t know. You can put a working class girl in a Channel, but you can’t really change who she really is inside, right?” you smiled weakly.

Jumin furrowed his eyebrows, visibly upset. “What are you talking about?”

Your facade disappear and you sighed. You reached out for his hand and held it tighly.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love you, I really do. Nothing can change that. But I can’t– I can’t pretend I don’t hear the whispers when I come here to have lunch with you. How I listen to them mocking these nice clothes you bought for me” you said, pointing at your light blue dress he had given you. “I don’t… I didn’t grow up with these things. I must look really dumb pretending to be part of a class I’m not”.

“Who made that comment?” he asks, angrily.

You try to cover it up, but after some pushing, you tell him it’s the secretary that works two offices away. She has a desk beside Jaehee’s. Jumin stands up, not stopping when you ask him to. He takes one step outside his office and spots the secretary you must be talking about.

“You’re fired. Assistant Kang, take care of that paperwork”.

Jumin returned to his office and locked the door. You can’t believe what just happened. He walks over to you and lifts up your chin with his hand, gently.

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you you don’t belong here. Or that you don’t deserve elegant clothes or anything I want to give to you. I know you didn’t grow up the same as me, but that’s why I love you. Because you didn’t look at me and saw my money or C&R, you looked at me. At who I was. Who I could be. I want to be the best man I can be, just for you. And I want to please you, giving you anything I can so you can enjoy life at its fullest. Also, look at you” he said, taking a look at your whole outfit. “You look breathtaking. You look classy, and it’s not just the dress” he smirked, kissing your cheek and making his way to your neck, leaving you a mess of giggles.

Saeyoung

Ok, so we all agree he’s the king of dark humour and self-deprecating jokes.

And he’s used to be like that around you and sometimes you make the same jokes and you both just laugh it out.

So that day, he doesn’t notice something’s off from the start.

He’s fixing the robot cat, since it had been malfunctioning. You’re reading a magazine  on the couch while he’s sitting on the floor, both of you talking on and off.

“One day you should teach me who to do that. You know, fixing stuff and such”

“I wil! But you’ll need to call me sensei during our lessons.”

“Sensei? Isn’t that japanese?”

“It is! I’ll be your sensei if you wish. But what do you want to learn to fix?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be the dumb one of the relationship”

“Awww. But we make such a good pair~”

“Just because you haven’t got tired of me yet” you chuckle.

“How could I get tired of your cooking? Never!~ I swear my mouth waters just thinking about your waffles.”

You laugh. “That’s all I am? My cooking?”

“Well, also how clean you keep this, Ms. Vanderwood hasn’t been complaining as much as before” he teases you.

“Well, you know I have to keep this apartment clean and your stomach full. That’s why I’m here, right? Until you get tired of my stupidness” you chuckle.

Saeyoung looks back at you, stopping on his fixing of robo-cat. He’s not longer smiling.

“… You really think that? That I think you’re stupid?”

“Well… I’m no genius. I’m just one more secretary, I’m… c’mon. You’d have more fun with someone who’s just as smart as you. I’m just here… until my time’s done. I’ve accepted it long ago.”

Suddenly he’s over you, making you lay on the couch, pinning both your arms over your head.

“Stop! What? Stop, just stop, what are you even saying?! You are kind, compassionate, generous and the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. You stayed by my side when I was at my worst. You saw all parts of me and still loved me. I’m the one who isn’t worthy of someone as loving and forgiving as you. I– I could never. I could have never rescued Saeran without you. I could have never been happy or even think about real happiness if it weren’t for you. So honestly, what if you don’t know anything about computers or hacking? That doesn’t matter to me. It’s you and your heart. It’s always been about your loving heart, MC. Please, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve loved you my whole life. Even before I met you. I just didn’t realize it.”

Your eyes water

damn, saeyoung i almost cried as well, you fucker

You both stay on the couch, holding each other until you fall asleep. He keeps whispering soft and warm words to your ear every now and then, making sure you never doubt yourself again.

Saeran

“i want to die” “same”

It’s so usual for you both to make dark jokes, he doesn’t really notice when it stops being a joke to you.

You’re both laying on the couch. You’re on top of him, resting your head on his chest. You can’t remember how it started, but you start joking around.

“Your girlfriend’s a mess, you know”

“She is. Have you seen her hair?” he teased.

“What the hell does she think she’s doing? Have you seen the way she dresses?”

“Total mishap. It’s like a match made in hell”

“And her voice? More like a screech” you laugh, making fun of your own voice.

“Will she ever shut up?” he sighed dramatically, smirking softly.

“Why does she think she actually make someone happy?” you chuckle. His smile disappears.

Saeran stays silent for a minute. “You’re not happy?”

are you not happy with him? has he already bored you out of your mind? are you having second thoughts about your relationship? because he’s been trying, he’s been seeing a psychologist and even though there still isn’t a big change, he— is it because there hasn’t been a big change?

“Well, you’re not” you replied in a small voice. “And I can’t– And I don’t how– Maybe it’s me?”

So, Saeran decides to try something he’s been talking about with his psychologist. Better now than ever, he thought.

“I love you”

You raise your head, looking at him in disbelief. He’s never said that before. When you started dating, he had kissed you and you had understood how it was hard for him to express feelings due to the severe trauma he had gone through, so you hadn’t pushed him but… Saeran was still looking at you, a tense expression on his face. You suddenly realized you hadn’t said anything back.

“I love you too”. You had said it before. You had told him that a million times, but it was the first time you said it back.

“I know it seems I’m not making progress– But I think I am? I mean, I just told you that, right?” he said, scratching his head, a little nervous. “He said we were going to work on expressing feelings, and it was easier to express the most intense ones.”

“Your most intense feeling– one of your most intense feelings is loving me?” you asked, still surprised.

“Shut up” he said, making you laugh for real this time.

[johnnq]

whispers. part 2

[9:12pm] ghosts, the afterlife and presences. fickle concepts you had often dabbled in discussing with your friends in the almost two whole years since you lost mark.

your friends asked you about it often in the early grieving stages partly as a far-fetched joke to comfort you and distract you from it all, but mostly because they were unnaturally curious. they asked you if you believed that mark would ever visit you in the form of a "ghost" (spirits, was the word they used, but you werea lot more cynical than that and couldn’t use the word), whether you ever wondered or thought about where he might be in terms of you believing in the afterlife or not, and finally; they really wanted to know if you had felt any odd presences that weren't of actual people.

in the first few weeks this was impossible for you to answer properly, citing the fact that your beliefs were not really that strong as a reason to avoid it. eventually after much persistence on your friends' ends, you hesitantly revealed that you were quite open to the idea of spirits existing now that you realised how much mark’s dissapearance from your life had affected you, that you hoped that mark was somewhere nicer than where he was when he was alive, and that you had in fact not had any 'presences' but that you so desperately wanted some kind of sign from him that one would make you very happy.

that all changed after the first time you saw him in all his glory that night. you went from being uncertain and uncomfortable talking about the matter, to professing very strongly that mark WAS there with you sometimes and that the night you saw him was very real. on the front of the afterlife, you still couldn't answer, though.

sitting at your desk in the workroom in your apartment, you spent hours going through all the files stored on the old and clunky computer you had been using for years now - a hand-me-down from your sister when she left for university a few years ago. granted, the computer itself was almost immaculate in terms of the exterior and how long it had served you, but you couldn't help but loathe how slowly it responded and how filled with useless files it was.

it was time to buy a new one for the first time in around five years and of course, you knew that some things on it would be of use from having it for so long, so you decided to plug in your trusty harddrive and transfer what you needed before wiping it clean ready to either sell to someone or simply throw away. what you didn't expect to find, was what you did find.

everywhere you looked, something connected to mark flashed up. it didn't matter if you were looking at the pictures you had saved, the documents you had, the music you had saved, the videos, hell - even your wallpaper was a picture of the first couple vacation you went on together to fiji. it all had mark written all over it and it hurt you far more than you cared to admit after so long, to sort through.

there were pictures and videos on there from many times you had shared with people in your life, vacations, parties, family get-togethers, concerts and more. mark was in a lot of those photos, posing and smiling with that naivety and innocence you loved so much, flashing in his eyes and across his beautiful face. like usual, most of the pictures with him in it had him either giving the camera that adorable little toothy smile, or the cheeky poked out tongue he deliberately did just to annoy you, but in all of the pictures, he consistently looked like he had not a care in the world. 

there were specific videos that stuck out to you, most of all the one from your first anniversary where mark sent you a ten minute video message talking about how much he loved you, the familiar backdrop of his white practice room behind him while he apologised profusely about having to practice a new choreography all day instead of being with you.

god, how you just wanted to be able to hear him tell you he loves just one more time.

documents you had saved were also a big part in the day-to-day aspect of your relationship with him, notes with simple things like "clean the toilet" or "don't forget to buy new toilet paper" were plastered across your screen as you remembered how he'd often use microsoft word to leave you reminders and have them opened on the screen when you went into the room each morning like you always did.

it was moments like these that you wished he'd leave you just one more note asking you to do something stupid like replace the milk.

your spotify was also littered with reminders of him. playlists that he made you, labelled by month or year, with some holding very outlandish or downright hilarious names that he used to make you laugh whenever you listened to them, causing a few awkward moments when you had to explain to co-workers and friends why you’d laugh obnoxiously loud out of nowhere when you read the titles in public.

you'd never truly admired and appreciated his "songs that make me think about you" playlist, remembering the day you'd laughed at it and called it 'corny and predictable'. now, you really wished you could stop crying when you listened to it.

it took you hours to finally sort it out properly, and pressing the factory reset button left you sighing with both relief and exhaustion. it didn't take you hours because you had a lot of things to ponder on deleting or backing-up, it was because you spent a good portion of that time stifling back the tears when you saw most of it.

seeing the factory reset happen before your eyes, you leant back in your chair and clenched your fist, bringing it to your head and balling a handful of hair into it as you questioned why you decided to put yourself through that so soon.

"you know, it's not my fault i loved you so much." a voice speaks from just behind you.

taken aback by this sudden voice, you turned backwards to see mark once again.

"i.. i know it's not. i loved all this stuff when you were here marky but, you're not.. anymore. it just hurts to see it all because i miss how it used to be with you around." you sigh audibly, pulling yourself up to sit straight.

"this is the first time i've seen all this since you died, and boy oh boy does it hurt." you finish, nervously scratching the back of your neck as you looked over at the window to see that the once bright and vibrant afternoon light had shifted to deep night and moonlight in the time since you'd started sorting the computer.

"i told you the playlist would make you cry one day, i remember you telling me it'd only ever make you laugh, now look at you." he slightly reluctantly offered, an innocent but mischief filled smile wiped across his expression, his cheeks turning an excellent shade of pink.

your instinctive reaction is to swipe his arm and knock it playfully, but upon remembering that he’s merely a presence and nothing more, you rectract your hand, the small smile you had fading readily.

“it’s sweet. i never really liked it when you first made it for me if i’m being completely real with you, but i know it was made with nothing but love and good intentions, because you really did love me.”

hearing this, mark giggles and sits on the desk in front of you.

“did? oh, princess - i still do. just because i can’t physically be there for you, it doesn’t mean i fell out of love with you.” he bites his lip coyly and looks down at the paperwork bunched up on the desk next to him.

“i heard you got promoted at work.” he lets out, making direct eye contact with you for perhaps the first time tonight.

“yeah.. it’s nothing really, just a few more hours and a bit of a rise in my pay and a few more perks i guess. nothing feels as exciting without you there to get me in the mindset and i think they gave me it because i’d been doing better than my usual low performance. ever since you.. i haven’t really been me.” you finish, the last part below a murmer.

“you always doubted yourself y/n, even when i was still here. you always said you were doing badly at work and that they took pity on you, and you’d barely agree with me even when i spent hours trying to convince you that you were doing great. you’re good at what you do - amazing at it! you just never see it.”

these words make you crack, causing a barage of heavy and overbearing tears to spill down your cheeks as you realise he was right. 

he was always right when it came to you.

“hey, hey.. don’t cry. you look so beautiful with a smile on your face and i hate seeing it ruined by you being sad. you’ve cried enough today, don’t you think?” he utters to you hurriedly, moving to stand next to you and bends over your figure to use his sleeve to wipe away the tears you had. lowered down onto his knees almost, he was at your level just staring at you while you composed yourself.

“t-thank you. i know i say it enough times a day but, i miss you so much mark, and after that night and you dissapearing like that... i thought i’d never see you again. it scared me so much, like, too much. i can’t be without you, i-.” you ramble on.

mark hushes you, his finger pressing to your lips gently as he plants a forgiving and loving kiss onto your forehead.

“it’s okay to feel that way. but, you remember when i told you you were stronger than you realised when i was last here?” he quizzes, you nod back.

he smiles and moves his hair out of his eyes as he thinks for a second.

“i meant it. you’ve made it over TWO YEARS without me y/n. i am so proud of you, and i know everyone else is.”

and that’s when you see it. the stab wound on his chest. in the moment, you can barely even think straight, and motion towards it, running your hand lightly over it as he winces weakly.

“you saw it huh? i knew you would eventually.” he chokes back, tears threatening to flood as he coughs and tries to regain some form of control over his breathing.

“mark.. god, it looks.. p-painful. fuck, what did they even do to you?” you say shakily, a whimper coming from you as the reminder hits you that he was in so much pain in his final moments.

“stabbing, punching, kicking. they said they didn’t have a reason for choosing me, i was just there and they wanted to hurt someone. i don’t think they realised how deep the knife went though.” he told you, as silence fell in the room and you had no words to offer in return to his statement.

mark now stood up, relying on your desk chair as support as he forced himself to stand straight.

“i-i.. i need to head back now.” he says after some thought.

“so soon?” you question, your mouth agape slightly as you realise you’d already been talking to him for an hour.

“i’ll be back soon baby, don’t worry. wait for me?” he replies, reaching his hand out to you, and you reach back, linking your hands together tightly as he stares over at the computer seeing that it had finished the factory reset.

“perfect timing.” he remarks.

and with that, he’s once again gone from your view, vanishing into thin air for the second time. 

scooting the chair closer to the computer, you spot a small item on the desk. on closer inspection, you conclude for it to be mark’s phone. pressing the button on the side, the screen flashes up and sure enough, there sits a photo of you both on your vacation to fiji, and an absurd amount of notifications littering the screen.

how would you go through all of this now?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #218

“give me liberty or death. ... ah, fuck it, just give me death.”

Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Me. What is the nearest glass object to you? A cup. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm sure my mom was, but I have no clue about Dad. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. If you had to choose a new cell phone, what phone would you pick? Some sort of iPhone. I hate my Samsung. Has anyone killed one of your pets before? People have run over our cats before, but I'm certain that wasn't intentional. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. Is there a song that as soon as you hear it you are happier? At least to a degree. Do you have a push lawnmower or a riding lawnmower? We don't have one; Mom pays someone to do it. He uses a riding one, though. When was the last time someone teased you? Idr. Would you trust a vehicle that automatically parallel parks for you? Lmao could probably do it better than I could. Have you ever hit a car while parking? No, but I rarely drive anyway and never park close to others. When you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken? Burgers. When was the last time you used Microsoft Excel? No clue. What was the last thing that you recorded? I was WAY too excited the rare felhound mount dropped for me in WoW so I had to show Sara while I screamed lmao. Have you ever edited an article on Wikipedia? No. Do you like the show Futurama? I've never been into what I've seen. Have you ever found an arrow head? I don't remember ever having had. Have you given up any bad habits for someone? Don't think so. Who is with you? My cat's in the room, as is of course Venus. In what part of your life so far, have you learnt the most about yourself? 2017-2018, probably. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. What aggravates you most about people in general? I guess if you want to put all humans together, I guess you never know what's gonna hurt who. When they have a valid reason to be hurt by it, anyway. Are your ears pierced? Twice in each lobe and then my right tragus. What did you last say out loud? Something to Teddy about wanting so much attention. Not at all in a bad way. Do you like anything about being angry? Fuck no. Did you have a summer job this year? No. Where do you wish you were? I've been dying to be at Sara's BAD LATELY MY MAN. Do you get surprises often? No, nor do I like them. I get too nervous. Name a crime you have committed? Illegally downloading things. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? No, not normally. You're in jail… Who bails you out? Dad, most likely, taking money into account. I don't even know if he could afford bailing someone out, though. Are your feelings hurt easily? YEAH. What’s the ultimate cake topping? Just frosting. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails? Never. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? Nope. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Lol no. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? No. Have you ever needed stitches? At least twice. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? I'd say no, even if it was Sara. We're not ready for that yet. Which fictional character do you wish was real? Sobs all my favorites of everything are villains and therefore shouldn't be brought to life. Uhhhh. Idk. Maybe Harry Mason from SH 'cuz the entire human population deserves a dad like that. Do you own a lava lamp? I wish. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes to hot tub, but you couldn't pay me to set foot in a sauna. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. We would've found fossil evidence by now, I think. Who’s your favorite god from ancient history? Man, idk. I love mythology. But memory is pretty faint though so I don't remember what most did/what they stand for. What was the last present you received? Uhhhh I'm not sure. Could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. I am not being a mother figure for anyone. What was your first alcoholic drink? Hard lemonade. What was your first detention for? I've only ever had detention for excessive tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? EW LET'S FORGET THAT. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you like your own name? I do. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Fuck no. Could you ever split up a couple for one reason or another? I mean I'd urge one to leave the other if they were abusive or not really in love or something like that. I wouldn't out of my own interests. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? The Paul brothers are fucking obnoxious trash. Is there anyone you work with that you don’t get along with? Why? N/A Have you ever been romantically interested in a coworker? No. Have you ever been romantically involved with a coworker? No. What is the game you’re currently playing most often on your phone? None. Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? Adopt. I understand the temptation of wanting a certain breed of pet, but you've gotta think beyond your desires here. There are so, so, SO many homeless cats and dogs especially that need homes. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, I believe. Why were you last pulled over? I never have been, thank GOD. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? I can just about guarantee no. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? It would depend on the lake. Do you have a drone? No. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? Only Mark's and his friends'. Do you know anyone who’s had their own podcast? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? The beach. Do you know anyone who is freaked out by cats? No. What kind of music do your parents listen to? Mom loves (classic) metal and rock like me, but she also enjoys Christian music. Dad likes rock and classic metal/rock. What do you do when you can’t escape thoughts of your ex? I mean, I'm a bad person to ask, because my PTSD is tied to my ex. My case is far more extreme. All you really can do is try to do things to distract yourself. What do you think about indoor pets? Love 'em. How it should be most of the time for most animals. Would you agree that love is blind? Very. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Yes. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? I don't think so, if I was to ever be in that situation with a man again. How many schools have you been to? Five, but I'm about to start my sixth. Do any songs give you goosebumps? I get goosebumps very, VERY easily when it comes to music. I don't even have to really like the song. What do you think about divorce? Sadly necessary in extreme cases. What’s your favorite way to eat peanut butter? In a Reese's lol. Do you still watch any cartoons meant for kids? I don't watch TV now, but if I was still into watching shows, I'd totally still follow Pokemon. What’s your favorite kind of cereal? Man, idk. Maybe Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What were you doing the last time you were on a roof? Just sitting up there. Do you have any stickers on your car? Mom has I think one? Have you ever given someone flowers? I'll always remember this one Mother's Day where I went down our old path with my sister and friend and we picked up SO many flowers to put in a glass cup as a bouquet for Mom. So yeah. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? I don't usually search them out, but they're on my iPod, and I won't generally skip 'em if a Nirvana song comes along. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I hate seeing animals in pain and/or dying. Are you easily scared by horror movies? Not at all. How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? I've never been pulled over. When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? I've no idea. Do you enjoy plane journeys, if you’ve ever been on one? If we're just talking the ride and not the process leading up to it, and so long I've the window seat, yeah, they're fine. What’s the last movie you’ve seen in theaters and can honestly say you enjoyed? I adored the live action TLK, truly and thoroughly. I didn't at all get the hate. Like I know a common criticism is they took the realism too far (they were lacking in expression), but I liked that, honestly. It made it feel all the more real. I mean honestly, I possibly liked it more than the animated (save for the "Be Prepared" singing), and that movie is sacred to me. Have you ever seen your father cry? I've only seen him tear up like once in my life. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? They'd be confused as fuck because I'm the polar opposite of promiscuous, monogamous, advise that to only happen after marriage, and am with a girl. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? It's going great. We're just ready to no longer be long-distance. How big is your bed? Queen-sized. Do you believe the Holocaust happened? No??????????? fucking????????????????? shit??????????????????????????????? Ever spent any time on a military base? No. Have you ever tried putting black pepper on mac ‘n’ cheese? (It’s good!) Yes, delicious. Has a wild animal ever been loose in your house? Not our current house. We lived in the woods beforehand, and we did have mild mice problems in the winter. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Have you ever seen a volcano? Not in person. Are you a fan of Janis Joplin? I've actually never really listened to her. Have you ever mowed the lawn (even a little bit)? No. What’s the closest river to you? The Tar River. Don't mind sharing considering it's ginormous. Who were the last 3 males you talked to? My nephew, his dad, then my own dad. What was the last form of communication you used to speak to your best friend? (e.g. text message, phone call) Text. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Uhhhh I think some kind of white wine? Did you like it? Not in the slightest. What’s your favorite feature of the person you’re currently interested in? She has the cutest random little freckle on her hip. Do you remember the first CD you ever bought? I believe the first I personally wanted and got was the Swan Songs album by Hollywood Undead. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You have NOT lived until you've eaten Bojangle's fries. They have a special seasoning that is absolutely spectacular. The Bojangle's experience is so important that it's the first place we went when Sara first came here lmao. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Don't believe so. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. What is your favorite gaming console? PS2, always. What was the last major city you visited? Chicago. I mean, or Raleigh, if you count it as a "major" one. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? I only really consider Jason and Sara as "romantic" relationships. Have you ever used a leaf blower? No. What would you say is the worst part of high school, period? The shift from child to young adult. Hormones make the experience so, so much more difficult than it needs to be. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? Red. They're usually the most crisp. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? It'd either be Mom or Sara, definitely. I can't really say without being in that moment, idk. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? Fuck no. I've only ever done it once and never will again, even though the one occasion went fine. Who was the last person to call you fat, if anyone at all? Myself lmao. What color skin does the last person you danced with have? White. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. What is the worst name a friend has ever called you? Do you remember? I can promise you one has most certainly called me a bitch or worse. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? At the start of high school, I remember I'd sometimes daydream about being a guitarist, but it was never something I like, actively craved. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? *blinks* Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. When did you last spend the night at someone’s house? December of last year. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? If I'm at Sara's. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? NO. I'm much unlike I used to be in that I prefer brightness. It actually does affect my mood; I recommend to aaaaanybody who suffers from depression to stay in a bright room. I used to live in the dark as well, and I promise, it makes a difference. Have you ever learned any self-defense? If not, would you be interested in learning? No, and yes, especially with how incredibly paranoid I am. Do you like Gushers? Yaaaaas hunty. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have anything to worry about? LOL HUH??????? NO WORRIES??????? How old was the last child that you spoke to? Three. What is the name of the last perfume you put on? "Crazy Lady." That perfume is years upon YEARS old. It was a birthday present from Summer, and seeing as I barely ever wear perfume, it's still in my room. Expired, I'm sure, lol. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Do you like your orange juice with lots or no pulp? NONONONONONONO. I absolutely will not drink orange juice with pulp. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I think so? How long have you had the hairbrush you are currently using? I use a comb now that we've had actually forever. What projects are you doing now for school? I'm not in school, not quite yet anyway. :') Do you know what durian is? Do you like it? No. I would never try it. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I don't know, and I don't plan on looking. Most likely some selfie. Do you like coconut flavored things? NO. Coconut is disgusting. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't think so, and I truly hope not... How often do you get a fever? Like, never. What kind of laundry basket do you use? It's just a plain, white, plastic one. As a child, did you ever have a clown or a magician at your birthday parties? I actually believe I had both. I know I had a pair of clowns once, and with how into magic I was, I would expect I've had had one. Do you have a permit or license? I have my permit. It's more than due time I work more towards my license... List all the stores you’ve been in this past month. I think the only one is PetSmart. Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? No, because I was never that childish. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? My favorite! Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Most likely Pink Sands Beach in the Bahamas, but honestly I'm terrified of the Bermuda Triangle, so that's unlikely, lmao. That black sand beach in Hawaii, however, will do. Are all nighters something you have grown used to? BIIIIIIITCH I've outgrown that shit. I'm rarely up past 10 at the latest these days. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? Anything, no. Smoothies or slushies? Slushies. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? Nooooooo. Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I once volunteered at PetSmart during an adoption event, giving the cats and dogs attention while people visited. I absolutely fell in LOVE with a dog there that I begged Mom to get, and she came pretty close. I cried leaving, ha ha... Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? No. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Um, Ozzy????? Duh??????? My Dad???????? Is great?????????????? If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? And here you have it, the stupidest question I've seen on a survey. Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yeah. Could you handle living with a male roommate? No, with how afraid I am of men. It'd only work if it was with a long-time bf. Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? For once, both. Do you live by yourself? No. Do you shower every day? No, it's unhealthy and I don't find every day necessary. Especially when you live my hermit life. Is English your native language? Yes. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? N/A Do you watch PewDiePie? Very, very rarely. I'm not that into his content anymore, and his humor changed from more original to heavily meme-ish. Are you married? No. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but totally not apposed. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? Yeah, some. Do you salt your popcorn? Sadly. Do you like McDonalds? Don't even try to bullshit, you don't mind McD's. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. It's a cool series though, and I enjoy watching LPs of it. Do you like horror movies? YESSSSSS my favorite. Is your favorite animal a dog? No. Do you like chicken nuggets? mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM What color is the ceiling in the room? White. Do you like religion? It's interesting, but has done a shitload of evil. However, it has also made wonderful people. It depends on how you use it. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yeah. Can you twerk? Idk and idc. Do you like dabbing? It looks remarkably stupid/like you're sneezing into your elbow. Do you like fishing? I do, but I've stopped doing it. I feel too bad for the fish. Do you like sleeping? Oh fuck yeah. What do you think of Fifty Shades of Grey? Fucking disgusting, whether in book or movie format. Do you swear in front of children? No. Which Pirates of the Caribbean do you like the most? Never watched 'em. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I enjoy a lot of his music. How far out of your age bracket would you date? Once you hit 10 years, it's a no for me. Have you ever had an STD? No. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? I live in the South. Take a wild guess. Have you picked out flower petals, saying, ‘He loves me, he loves me not?' No. Do you like to pace? It's not that I "like" to, it's just a habit. What’s the greatest thing about science? Learning about the world around us. Discovering how life works. Does it annoy you when people dumb themselves down to be cool? It's not "annoying," it's just stupid. Intelligence is cool. What’s a song you like from the genre you hate? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw is a heavy exception. I adore that song. Are your parents divorced? Yeah, they separated when I was like, 16-17. Who was your first friend? Brianna. Have you ever been to Germany? Hell, I wish. What do you hear right now? I'm currently obsessed with "Brand New Numb" by Motionless In White. Have you ever been ice skating? No. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Would you consider yourself a shy person? I am one of the shyest people you will ever meet in your life. Do you like techno? Yeah, actually. I've really gotten into electronic music. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Can you whistle? No. My lip ring is probably what makes me unable to anymore. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Three. One of my knees, then over the course of two years, I believe two for my teeth at the dentist. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah. Do you own an Xbox? No. Favorite Snapchat filter? I've never used Snapchat before. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. What’s the worst thing you have ever done? Depends on how you mean "worst." Most damaging to me, let myself turn Jason into a god in my head and nearly kill myself for it. As far as most immoral, probably be partially responsible for why my former best friend and her bf broke up because he wound up liking me because I was a dumb 12 y/o. What's your favorite candle scent? Probably coffee or cinnamon rolls. Do you take any medications daily? Yeah. What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) An annoying combo. What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) A small one. Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yes, I hate my last name. Last person you called? Mom. Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? I don't like sprinkles at all. The texture ruins treats. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom, I'm sure. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I wouldn't say "scary," just incredibly awkward. You'd never see me do it. Would you want to be in a collab channel on YouTube? I don't even want to risk popularity, so no. Do you watch any collab channels? Which ones? Game Grumps and Sam & Colby, mainly. What colors have you dyed your hair, if any? Black, purple, and red. What is your gender and sexual orientation? Female and bisexual. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No, but they seem REALLY fun. Ever performed on stage? Was it scary or amazing or both? Yeah, many times for dance. It was really neither for me. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. Have you tried the Beyond or Impossible burger? Thoughts? No, but I want to, especially as I plan on returning to vegetarianism at one point. When was the last time you ate your all-time favorite candy? Oh wow, months. When was the last time you made friends with old enemies? Some time last year, Rachel and I reconnected. She's cool as hell now. When was the last time you took time to pray? It's been a long time. I don't believe it does anything. What is a movie that you heard about recently that you do NOT want to see? Is that "Cats" movie real or was the trailer a fever dream???? What do you do during long trips in the car? I just blare music. Best kind of music to dance to? And the worst kind of music to dance to? I really love "different" songs that warrant a modern sort of dance style. It was my favorite when I took dance, and it's by far my favorite to watch. Worst, I guess like, screamo. How would you dance???? Last candy you tried that you did not enjoy? Or one that you did enjoy? Oh my god. So I tried that new Reese's doughnut from Krispy Kreme today, and it. Was. Repulsive. A candy I actually liked, idk. I rarely ever have treats anymore. Were you a chubby or thin baby? I was normal. Have you ever not given a tip at a restaurant? Why didn’t you? N/A, y'all know my money situation. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve considered doing lately? Okay, I'll admit I at least briefly pondered the possibility of getting a nipple pierced after an eternity of saying I never would lmao. I'm not, tho. Have you ever known somebody who ran away? Most likely. What are your thoughts on Batman? I think it's cool he has that policy of never killing anyone, and he also doesn't have any actual powers, does he? I don't remember. The whole Batman universe (or comics for that matter) is one I don't really connect to anymore, as it was Jason's obsession, so it's a dangerous topic for me. When I say Dr. Seuss, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Green Eggs and Ham. I loooved that book as a kid. Rollercoasters that go upside down… yes please or no thank you? Hell to the motherfuckin no thanks. Is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to? Grocery stores. What was the last animal/pet that you met? There was a BEAUTIFUL standard poodle Mom and I briefly interacted with at the pet store a week or so back. Is there something in particular you always seem to forget? Straighten the shower curtain after I get out so it dries properly. When was the last time you had to wait in line for longer than a few minutes? *shrugs* Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last board game you played? I think it was all the way back when Sara, Girt, and I played Scrabble.

[dylanobrienisbatman]

Why wouldn’t you want to see a character you love go through a redemption arc after they were on the wrong side?: A Redemption Arc Meta and Clarke Griffin Season 6 Storyline Thoughts. 

(I am not in a good place with Clarke right now, but this is actually a Pro Clarke post, I promise!!!! This is really me saying that this potential storyline could really make me like her again, and me sort of delving into the nature of redemption arcs, and wondering why it’s automatically seen as a negative to have Clarke go through one next season! NOT negative, promise promise!) 

Why can you not be pro-Clarke and still want her to have a redemption arc for the stuff she did last season? Why does it seem to be the assumption that wanting Clarke to go through a redemption arc automatically means someone hates her? Liking her and also wanting her to have an arc that focuses on her earning forgiveness are not mutually exclusive things! Liking a character and wanting them to be better can and should go together! Take John Murphy for example. Tae Bellamy Blake in season 1!  Liking Clarke and still wanting her to earn the forgiveness you want other characters to give her do not cancel each other out. If anything, shouldn’t really liking Clarke would mean wanting her to get the best redemption arc of all time, because thats what Clarke Griffin deserves? Giving her a redemption arc that puts her right back in the middle of the group, loved and respected and appreciated again would be the ideal arc right? 

To me, a redemption arc is like an upside down bell curve, a la this terrible graphic i made on Microsoft Word with text boxes. I apologise. Graphic design is my passion y’all. 

This fandom was really bothered by the fact that Echo didn’t have a ‘redemption arc’ because Echo’s climb back up was during her time in space, over those six years. But I’ve seen so much backlash to the idea that Clarke actually go through her own arc, which seems to come from a place where people seem to think Clarke doesn’t need it after this season, which is at conflict with what the narrative was showing in the last two episodes of season 5. Clarke was teetering on the edge of the top of the hill around mid season, and then 509 pushed her over the edge. She started her decent at the end of 509. Clarke’s conversation’s with Madi that carried through 509 until the big moment in 512, and especially that big moment in 512, with Flame!Madi + Chip!Lexa + Echo, were intended to show us that Clarke’s choices from 509 were Clarke choosing to be on the wrong side, her descent down into the bottom of the curve, and now her arc redemption arc is at it’s centre. The Big Thing, the momentum giving moment, was her conversation with Echo/Madi/Lexa. She reached her lowest point, and that conversation gave her the momentum to start climbing back up the hill. Her actions at the end of 512 and through 513 was the beginning of her climb.

To me personally, if my favourite character had an arc like Clarke in 5b, and then just sort of skipped over that climb back up to the light, I would feel cheated out of excellent character development and relationship development moments. That was a big problem I had with Lexa in season 3. The fact that her betrayal and the harm she caused Clarke was never addressed and they just jumped straight to forgiveness made her feel flat, and it made me not only uninterested, but annoyed, because it took place over 16 days, and from when Clarke held a knife to her throat (a full week after she arrived in polis) to when they had the nightgown moment, which I’m assuming is supposed to be the length of time it took her to forgive, was only like 3 days. Lexa hit the bottom at the end of season 2, and never climbed back up. That is not the kind of arc I would want for a character I love. 

Take Bellamy for example. Here is Bellamy’s Graph!

Bellamy is my favourite character, and season 3 was hard for me in the first half, when my boy on The Wrong Side, from around 3x04 until the last few scenes in 3x08. His choice to side with Pike pushed him down into the curve. No matter his motivations (which we should have seen more, but i digress), he wasn’t doing the right thing. He NEEDED to come back to the good side. He needed to see that he was wrong and come back over and be Good™ again. And then he did. He reached his lowest point, and we see him realise it when Pike was going to kill Kane. That moment is his momentum giving moment, and we see him make the CHOICE to be good, and CHOOSE to start climbing back into the light. And YALL. I fucking CHEERED. And then the rest of the season, we saw his climb. We saw him have to earn back the trust of the people in his life, and what a great plot it was. It was hard to watch sometimes, because we all want our fave to be loved, but man. It had so many DEEP Bellamy character moments. We got to watch Bellamy pull himself out of the darkness. It had him repeatedly being faced with the impact of his choices in season 3b, and was forced to face that. With Niylah, with Kane, with Harper, with Miller, he had moments where he realised that the thing he chose to do hurt the people in his life, and even strangers, and he had to reckon with that. But he made his way back to the top. (The O stuff took it too far, beating him half to death and blaming him for a death he tried to prevent... issues are still had with that, and they dragged it a bit too far when they were still bringing it up like... end of season 4, but w/e). 

Having Clarke face a similar arc would be such an interesting Clarke plot. This is Clarke’s Graph!

She was on The Wrong Side, from 509 until the last few scenes in 512. She has had her momentum giving moment. She makes her choice to switch back to the good side, and made the choice to go save Raven and Zeke, and stop McCreary. But then the season ended, meaning that unlike Bellamy’s arc which hit bottom midseason and was resolved by the finale (more or less), Clarke’s arc ended at the bottom of the curve, starting her trek back up the other side.

So now, its time for her to climb. It’s time for her to face the way what she did affected Raven, and Emori, and Echo, and Bellamy, and Murphy, and Zeke, to have her see that the choices she made helped facilitate the end of the world, and to have a plot where she has to reckon with it. It’s time for her to spend a few episodes or so really coming to grips with what the real, visceral consequences of her actions were for the people around her, and trying to atone for the harm she caused because of her choices, and making good choices. It’s time to watch her climb back up the other side. Clarke is the main character, meaning it will probably be handled pretty well. She wont be isolated forever, she wont be on the outside and at odds with the rest of the characters forever. She will find her way back to the top of the hill. But getting her to go through an arc that focuses on self awareness, an arc that focuses on apologies and asking for forgiveness, an arc that focuses on seeing your choices as they are, as dark and hard as that may be for them, to come out better on the other side, is a GREAT arc for a character to have. 

Loving Clarke and still realising that she probably needs to go through an arc like that are not two things that are at odds with each other. 

[smarmykemetic]

in another life, nephthys is sitting in a morgue. her fingers go over a body in little searching rivers. she will bring the hearse around and help the body in. in this life, she feels sometimes her real job is protector of the living, not of the dead. who else needs it, after all? the dead are the dead. she arranges them like flower petals. her funeral home comes smelling of coffins, but softly, welcoming. she is known for taking “hard cases,” makes a mangled body look beautiful, the same way she did once, a long time ago, for osiris, who calls her sometimes, when he remembers. anubis and neph get together and shit-talk. she likes dark wine a lot. he likes taxes. osiris is busy. sticks his hands in the dirt and shifts it around. when monsanto comes, osiris floods. catch him out with the bees. catch him telling them the right way to go, but gently. a good leader who is tired, right. had the pride dragged out of him. he likes superman a lot. feels a certain je ne se quoi connection to someone who can’t see through lead. osiris, half-there, half-gone. scattered to the ends of the earth like seeds. anubis - when he’s not folding a fitted sheet - lives in the world of forensic science and judging. dual degree, because he like being busy. meticulous. gets the details right. walks in the world of law and feels a little thrill (just quietly) whenever sentencing someone he knows is guilty. listens well, and always decorates tastefully. eats in tiny bites. likes to cook by weighing things. actually just likes to weigh things. he has a long love-hate relationship of digital scales - so accurate but so unbeautiful. a digital scale takes the uncertainty out. it knows how much a feather heart would be. it is unlike the scales of his hands, the sensation of good/guilty. the word “fair but harsh” follows at his feet. he likes wreaths, the arrangement of something dying. his guilty pleasure is crime tv, although neph won’t watch it with him any more because he can’t help but say things like “in reality, that wouldn’t be sufficient evidence” or “98% of murders go unsolved” or “i can tell by his eyes that he’s guilty”. hathor - twin to destruction - runs a couple’s spa. loves weddings and planning weddings and being at weddings and dancing at weddings. has an elaborate ballroom for elaborate parties where elaborate people go. of course situated on 500 acres of farmland with free-range cows. if you’re really nice to her and she’s really drunk, she’ll let you ride one. always knows what kind of bottle to bring to a party, loves long dresses that flow around her. knows instinctively if you need a hug and is always good for one. once dressed up as sekmet for halloween, to which everyone said “too soon.” has long hair and really bad at palm reading but loves giving advice about your love line. known for massages that are brutal but effective: a little hint of harshness, her twin’s reflection. cries at proposal videos and has a girl’s night every month where they all get together to watch chick flicks. most of them love it, sekmet pretends to hate it just because she likes to complain loudly. sekmet. poor lady. the problem with identical twins is that everyone thinks they’re one and the same person. hathor sprang from a mirror on the day that sekmet looked into her own destruction and split the love she has in her heart with the evil she had wrought. it was lonely, at the end of the world, and her sister came from that loneliness. wears a different pair of glasses every day of the week, always has a biting reply that is unfairly funny. loves glasses that have absurd rims, mostly because she likes watching people squirm when they want to mention them - “do you like them?” she grins, knowing they do not, knowing they will not tell her that, her eyes the unblinking sun glare she’s so good at. she hides in the shadows, doesn’t smile unless you’re uncomfortable, still agrees to get her nails done with hathor every week (coffin-shaped acrylics, obviously). absolutely knows your deepest insecurity instinctively. best friends (and maybe more than friends) with bast. they go motorcycling. bast, made kitten-woman from lion-heart, often gets underestimated, and she’s okay with that. a cat knows when to sheathe claws. how to purr in the right way only to save the fangs for a later day. loves winged eyeliner. buys low, sells high. also runs an all-inclusive women’s shelter and very good at group therapy. the group homes for “lost girls” sprawl across the country. she seems like she’s always there, ready. the minute things get tense and a girl starts acting up: suddenly, her green eyes, watching. that unnerving promise that the protection she offers does not include protection from the growl at the back of her throat. loves stock markets mostly because it’s watching a string, but with data. will also never admit that out loud for any reason ever even if it meant her life was forfeit. kind of has a thing for sekmet, kind of, because, like, who couldn’t. maybe it’s kind of happened a few times oops. often pranks ra, because, like, who wouldn’t. ra works on weekends in animal rehabilitation because where else can you get a hawk in this economy. tired, but good with a smile. teacher at a very fancy art school where he likes to see how many times the words “be creative” can be used in a day. really into that one “miley what’s good” moment from nicki minaj, which he still references even though it’s been a year. tagged it @aset. actually has learned how to get along with osiris, because being in charge honestly got to be too much stress. has convinced hathor his real name is greg. every year he changes it up to something more absurd. last year it was bob. when she gets drunk at the end of the year with sekmet, she always begs him to tell her the truth. he says “okay, okay, okay.” then convinces her it’s Microsoft Word. also owns a large collection of “#1 Dad” mugs. regularly challenges horus to arcade games. horus works in the department of defense. tries to actually defend things, works with the “eye in the sky” and media intake. really likes how cool his eyepatch makes him look. time in this world is so specific, and there’s so much to take in while his eye is wandering. it used to be a lot harder to watch over things. he secretly cries at the movies where the son says “no mom, i’m living your dreams!” but still gets coffee with aset. aset keeps her hair in a bun and her chin up. nobody tries her. on trains, there’s a big circle of space around her, even at rush hour. she bleeds authority. mogul at large, although her interests vary. whatever will bring her upwards, quickly. marriage counselling is quite fun, but she’s thinking about being a divorce lawyer soon. and yet, despite all this fire in her: sweet. knows when to make cookies. she did what she had to do to survive. if you’re loved by her, you’re safe. she doesn’t love often, but when she does, it expands to swell the entirety of space. has a collection of sand dollars and lipsticks. excellent at making someone feel a little less alone. she won’t comfort you with a hug. she’ll show up and be there and somehow, in that knifeblade power she wields, you feel better. whole. set is at the edges. turns out the problem with immortality is that everyone remembers that one time you cain-and-abel’ed your brother. “it’s like,” horus said once while drunk, “can i even trust you anymore?” it hurt worse than set expected. family didn’t matter that much until he was left without it. works in dentistry where he can put people in pain for a fee. secretly covets the color pink; that softer blush than the reds people paint him in. protector of the wild ones, the ones no one else will look after. the darker souls who are still asking for saving. he understands sibling jealousy a lot. sometimes calms people down, sometimes revs them up. cries in bathtubs. feels himself, full of rot. why is it that the gods were made so human, and he, so cruel, so twisted, so evil. to spit at him is good, after all. he breaks like a branch in a storm. goes to pride parades in a mask, wishing for a courage he doesn’t know the name of. he calls toth just to hear him breathe, and then immediately hangs up. and toth? in the land where words are so permanent and impermanent, where wisdom is both a click away and away from those who doesn’t want to see it - doesn’t he suffer the greatest. it was one thing when libraries weren’t a thing. it was another when the world is now a constant updating stream. he feels the echo chambers like bracelets on him. now there’s information everywhere - but nobody willing to actually read. how terrible, how frustrating. and yet: for every person who doesn’t understand “don’t believe everything you read”, there’s another book being quietly self-published that strikes his interest, his longing. in this life, when he can, he turns the computer off and goes for a walk. when he writes come, the gods come. and they talk.

modern (kemetic) gods.

this piece was written for me by the lovely @inkskinned. Thank you so much Raquel!!

[java-induced-daymares]

I feel like you get a different perspective when you were the 'mistake'. The 'oh my God she's only fifteen', baby. My mom was the preacher's daughter, and very eighties. I'm the preacher's granddaughter, and extremely nineties. My mom is more like my sister-friend, while my five year junior sister tells everyone I practically raised her. I just feel responsible for everyone. For everything. I was the tester baby. The starter grandchild. Everything I did wrong, it was the worst, most unexpected thing. I paved the way for all the shrugs and acceptance every sibling and other grandkid had doled out practically for free. And got slammed with all the guilt and the shunning.

To be fair I was quite rebellious. I smoked, drank, experimented with drugs. Skipped class, and barely passed high school despite aceing every test and final they threw at me. Scored a solid 29 on the ACT, didn't even study. In fact, I left half the math portion blank. I hate math. I frustrated my parents to wits end. I had all the potential, none of the ambition. I wanted to smoke pot, write whatever popped in my head and just make enough money to get by. So in idealistic youth I flipped the bird to college tuition debt in favor of entering the work force.

Somehow along the line I ended up thirty years old as a entry level temp at a factory. The disappointing burnout my parents painted me to be. My mom once threatened to paint that word on my bedroom wall, to call me out so to speak. She wasn't impressed when I encouraged her to. Between mom and me, it's all emotions. I know her as well as best friends do. Like...all of it. Sex life. Financial strife. The works. It's sort of like you don't realize your mom discussing your dad's porn addiction with you when your thirteen is out of line until you grow up. And meet her meth head boyfriend at age twenty four.

He threatens to rape and kill you both but good old mom won't kick him out because she loves him. Not when he starts stealing everything in sight to sell for drugs. Not when he kidnaps her for a few days over Thanksgiving and meths out in a paranoid freakout keeping her in the hotel and not letting her leave. Or when he choked her until she was unconscious. Or raped her so loud you could hear her scream but she denied it and her screams are so frequent that you're learning to tune them out and that disturbs you on every level. Not even when he hits you, right in front of her, the first time and she yells at you for fighting back. Or when she chases your little sister into another state to live with a internet boyfriend who no one but she has met because Ducky fears living in that house more than living with strangers.

My sister was only nineteen. The week before she left my mom called her a selfish bitch for not supporting her relationship. I stood between them, outraged, explaining to my mother that she shouldn't call her child a bitch for being scared. When the meth head finally leaves, having drained a cool 20k from my mom's retirement fund in meth and tools and a Harley ect... my mom claims all these memories are a blur. In her world she is the ultimate victim, and she even blames me for standing by and letting it all happen. My brother, who showed up two months before I finally convinced my mother to get the eviction notice she needed to get the meth head out, gets all the credit for his absence.

He showed up, did meth and herione with the boyfriend and ignored my mom. She still ran to my room, daily, begging and pleading for me and my fiances protection. Some days we would wake up to her huddled by our bed, crying silently, because my fiance was the only thing this asshole feared. Because Heinzy certainly didn't stand by when she or I was threatened or hit. But he wasn't always there. And his probation kept him from throwing a first punch.

Still, my brother, who dodged all the previous months of abuse by disowning her for cheating on her husband with this guy. My brother was living in South Dakota, and calling her a bitch and a whore until he needed a bail out and suddenly he's Mama's little boy again. He gets the title of hero. Savior. Showing up last second and fucking everything up, and being loved for it. That's my brothers modis operandi. And he can't even spell those words.

People flinch when I call my mom a crazy bitch. Glad for them, in their Hallmark homes. Judging me. I still love the woman to death. Would kill for her. Suffered untold horrors just to keep her safe. Yet I can't help but feel this loyalty is a bit one sided. All things considered. And besides. Bitches be crazy.

My dad is her polar opposite. I get my cynical, mean sense of humor from him. I call him a passive aggressive teddy bear. And I feel two sides of my dad. First there's the guy that worked twenty two hours a day to support his family. No, that's not a exaggeration. And shit jobs too. Barely making it, piss on you, fast food, menial shit. It's hard not to respect that. Plus he's never touched or condoned so much as a cigarette or more than two beers that I've ever seen. Getting the shit beat out of you by a druggie alcoholic does that to you. Once, Grandpa "Buddy" even used a horse whip to beat him. Him and grandma talked about the two years they did speed at a Chili's dinner.

But they're rich as hell. Or they were. So it didn't matter. Still doesn't, as far as their putrid minds are concerned. Buy I'm off topic. His evil as fuck adoptive parents aside... My dad's not too bad. He taught me to write DOS code when I was six. How to write a household budget in Microsoft Excel when I was twelve. How to set up a wireless network for a entire office when I was sixteen. Basically he prepared me for the real world. And all it's shitty points. And probably saved me some pain for the effort.

For example, dad tip 101: Don't lend out money and expect or need it back. Only lend what you can afford and be surprised if it's ever repaid. Good tip. Seriously. When I flunked classes and needed summer school, he made me get a job and pay it back. I hated him for it. But after I worked off over a grand in summer school debt at a Chinese hole in the wall restaurant with no working AC, I understood what a dollar was worth. Hence no slavery bond. I mean, as you call them, student loans. Been there. Done that.

But then there's the other side of him. The side that never really wanted kids. The side that accused me of knowing my mom cheated when I actually didn't. My next door neighbor, a herione addict who tagged along on my mom's Easter visit to my brother did. He was there as she stopped, both on the way to and the way from, to fuck the meth head. He didn't tell me. I woke up to my sister alone in the living room crying. Because she had never seen my dad cry before. Neither have I. The only time in known history and I missed it. Poor Ducky, she saw it all.

Sometimes I wish I could erase it all. The Divorce. It happened when I was twenty four, and I thought my parents had fallen into the age old 'i hate you but I'll be with you forever trap'. The fact that they both remarried a year after divorce proves I was either naively hopeful or utterly delusional. Considering the fact that I knew they made each other utterly miserable I have to side with the latter. I just wanted to believe they loved each other in secret. Hell, thanks to my mom I knew they fucked three times a week. I thought that meant something.

Maybe that's why I think sex is pretty meaningless and too important all at once. First off. I won't fuck anyone unless I really want to. Second off. I've only fucked one guy. It wasn't intentional, the one guy thing, it's just the first guy who earned my trust was the first guy I let have me and I fell in love and ten years later he's still never betrayed me. Ever. And he makes me feel like a kid. And we fight. And I hate him sometimes but we never go to bed angry. And I have no kids. I won't be my mother. I don't want her mistakes. I'm creating my own whole new ones. It's both my privledge and my goal to defy everyone's expectations of me, even to my own detriment.

Everyone thinks I aimed low. He even says stupid stuff like how he thinks I'll leave him for someone else. Sometimes. And maybe my mom helped that paranoia along. You see, pre meth head boyfriend divorce, I was pretty found of telling people my mom and I were best friends and so alike. Post fallout, those words came back to haunt me in a big way. I supported her when EVERYONE turned away. Her father. My siblings. They all said she deserved the meth head. They didn't get it. If I left her alone he was going to kill her. Literally. And they turned on me for 'supporting her behavior'.

Go fuck yourselves. I couldn't speak to you all in the moment, and afterward everyone wanted to brush this shit under the rug. But damn it. It fucking scared me. Excuse the fuck out of me for panicking. I was twenty four, sure, a adult by all measures and standards. People don't pity adults. My dad taught me that. Figure shit out and handle it. So I did. And I took zero credit. Letting my mom crown my brother king of all the land, her savior. So in the end I was nothing.

And I didn't say shit. Let my extended family think what they liked. Not in that exact intention. In my head I was like, this.famiky situation is so fucked and so nasty I couldn't bear to tell them. And that left me awkwardly over formal in responses. I should have guessed no one else in my family was that shy. They told all...of their bullshit. And I know that sounds so one sided.

If I were you, I wouldn't trust my perspective on the matter either. After all, perception is defined by experience, and my experience is sure to lead me to be self serving and exploitative. I don't pretend otherwise. This is simply how it felt to me. As I received notices from my pastor grandfather telling me I was living in sin because I hadn't married or gone to church regularly. First off. YOUR only daughter had three kids out of wedlock by three different men. Totally beating the odds here. Thanks. Secondly, and yes I said this, bet your ass I did, I have only had sex with one guy and I promised God he was the one. Law is not religion. All a wedding is, technically, is a profession of exclusivity with your partner before God. I did that. Proved it for ten years. Living in sin? How so? By what biblical standard? Handfasting was a accepted marriage ceremony, Heinzy and I have declared devotion before each other and all else hands held before. It counts. So what is I don't have the legal document? Judge not least ye be judged and all that.

As for church. Ah the constructrial artifice of faith devoid of all passion. Going to church with my grandparents is different. There's something about my grandpa being a pastor, people instantly recognize it and respond to it. I have never, not once, stood in church with my grandpa and not had ten people know someone he knew from congregation or teaching job (he was a private school teacher and even principal too). He doesn't get what it's like, poor as fuck, to show up for service and be mocked by so called Christians. How I disdain their fake pandering. I love God. His houses are often beautiful, the scent of fresh wood and the art of stained glass. But the people inside are ugly and don't reflect Him at all. They just want to puff up their own self worth and indulgence and I hate them for it. But maybe that's just Illinois Lutherans for you.

They ruined church for me. Haven't been since I was in my twenties and I turned thirty two whole weeks ago.

[freeroulillos]

03.05.2020: First consultation with Dr. Nicola in 3 years. FEELING STIMULATED, POSITIVE and HOPEFUL!

I just got off the phone (Microsoft Teams ;)) with Dr. Nicola. Those of you who’ve followed this blog for a few years know what a crucial role she’s played in my recovery from Topical Steroids Addiction and dealing with various mental scars. (btw, I usually tone down the way I refer to some of my psychological “issues” but this is my space after all! It’s ok to talk about myself.)

I can’t express how good it was to be able to turn to someone who’s not only so familiar with my history but also highly competent in helping me resolve these issues. Eczema (and I’m sure other skin and non-skin issues) is not something that can be treated by applying a localised and topical “remedy”. It is deeply linked to our mind, which is why this consultation was partly a description of how my skin is doing but mostly a catch up of where I’m at in life and what’s been affecting me - good and bad.

Here are a few takeaways and general notes from our conversation:

- Graphite C200 still seems to be my remedy of choice. Dr Nicola is pretty convinced of it and I’m relieved I have it with me already from a prior purchase. I was quite worried I’d to get hold of something via the internet given the potential delays in getting it delivered to me. 

- I’ve always been surprised by how 4 tiny pills of graphite could lead to such improvements so I asked about how they worked. For example, will the 4 pills I took on Tuesday night (now it’s Sunday) slowly release their super power until next Tuesday when I may be due a next dose? If not, how else could they work? Nicola explained that actually, taking the pills is just like pushing a switch. They wake up a certain part of my body’s healing system and then it’s my body itself doing the work. NOT THE PILLS THEMSELVES. WHAT! This is amazing. I may need another dose on Tuesday (a week later) but I must send an update first and then Nicola will determine whether I do need that dose.

- I thought my condition was worsening since things started going badly on Tuesday but talking things through I actually realised that I’m improving. First, Dr Nicola said it is normal for the flare to have slightly worsened after I took the graphites, because they trigger the symptoms to come out fully and sometimes quite violently. Then she made me realise that after Tuesday and Wednesday being particularly tough days, from Thursday I stopped being as itchy, my skin was starting to dry up (today, Sunday, the drying up is more obvious), I stopped experiencing the intense fatigue I got on Thursday, I stopped getting chills and I’ve been sleeping much better at night. The skin starting to dry up is a good thing by the way. You only realise that when it’s actually on your body but the only way I can describe it is: drying up after a flare is the body starting to heal and starting to form a new layer of fresh skin under the dry skin.

- We talked a lot about where I was at mentally. She just has a way to get these things out of me. I was recommended to go to therapy by a couple of close friends after things got pretty tough recently but I’ve never felt a true need to. Now my body is reacting and talking with Nicola has helped me process some feelings. For example, she believes she cancellation of the PCT has had a bigger impact on me than the breakup. This is something I still need to think about but in many ways, it would make sense. The PCT was going to be my light at the end of the tunnel. And now it’s gone (for now). It was going to help me deal with a lot of stuff. Not to sound cliché because I never intended or planned for the PCT to be a healing experience but as I’ve said before, it just turned out to be scheduled on a year when I particularly needed it. Now I’m grieving not only my 9-year relationship but also not going on the PCT. If the breakup alone had caused this violent flare, it should have happened at the end of last year. Now I can’t go on the PCT, nor can I go hiking nearby, and my skin is going mad. Surely there’s a strong connection there.

- We also talked about my relationship with “home”, the Pyrenees. I think I have still so much that I have yet to explore there, geographically and mentally. It became obvious when she prompted me with particular questions. Being there is happiness for me. I don’t mean being with my mum and my grandma (needn’t feel guilty about saying this). I mean in those mountains. I can’t wait to be back. It’s like a good friend recommended a very good series. You know it’s going to be excellent and there’s like 8 seasons and you know you have SO MUCH to look forward to. That’s so exciting.

- We chatted about something that has actually come up quite a lot with friends during this lockdown. People feel shit but they always have to sandwich the expression of feeling shit in between two slices of “oh but actually it’s not so bad” and “oh but imagine other people going through much worse than me”. She explained that doing that invalidate one’s feelings. It’s not helpful. I’ve been doing this a lot and sometimes also inviting friends to do it. I hate moaning to friends. I’ve been turning down phone calls just because I don’t want to talk about ME. This blog is my space so I’ll make a point of expressing what I’m feeling and not invalidate these emotions.

- She recommended I checked Dr Gabor Maté’s work on Trauma. I need to read  about it but one thing I found interesting in her description of his work is: A. he is one of the rare medical doctors to deeply believe the mind and body are connected, B. he talks about Trauma in a way that it’s not necessarily one big traumatic event but just a series of things happening to someone over time. Like I said, I need to check his site out in detail!

- I don’t like to exercise without a purpose (e.g. don’t like running aimlessly but love hiking to explore) so she suggested I make my daily exercise purposeful. For example, deliver something by bike to a friend, explore a new area of town, pick up something in a specific shop that’s far away, etc...

I think that’s all I can think about for now. I’m feeling very stimulated by our chat. I have to trust that my body is going to do the hard work and heal me over the next few days/weeks and I need to keep thinking about what makes me happy right now and what is causing me pain. Then I can embrace both and establish how to look after myself.

P.S. I bought a skateboard yesterday and I’m excited to learn!!!!

[gheckoe]

JAMES’S CURATED QUALITY FANFICTION PRIMER

for @rev0lutions-of-ruin, who tumblr does not like letting me tag

foolish bird avoids ao3 for years and misses out on the Good Shit, but it will be okay! she has THIS now. ft. DUMB LONG-WINDED CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIE EXPLANATIONS, because i don’t think you would watch those movies willingly.

lots of selection - pick and choose, but if you don’t read “out of the dead land” i will be very sad. just treat this as really weird queer genre fiction and you’ll be alright. fics with pornographic content are marked as such, but said content is easy to skip as long as you can pick up on the warning signs.

we’re gonna start with the funny stuff.

nanananana BAT-DAD! (no ships, just bruce being a dad. safe for work and hilarious,)

who needs therapy when you have microsoft excel.

tim drake (robin 3) is a transgender teenage disaster. and bruce wayne is just generally a disaster. (same series.)

okay, now let’s get kind of sad. but not TOO sad.

nananananananana BATMAN (and superman)

this one made watching batman vs. superman worth it. not quite. but kind of. it’s fantastic.

i forget what happens in this one but i know i enjoyed it!

snk? why this, james. why this.

bad show, i know, but. formative experience. i figured out i was trans by projecting my feelings onto jean kirchstein. (not sure how, that’s just what happened.)

this one is stupidly fucking huge, in first person, and still isn’t finished.

included by virtue of some weird nostalgia. it’s half a million words long. try the first few chapters; i can’t guarantee anything that happens. don’t fucking judge me.

boring, punch me in the feelings already. more angst!

STEVEBUCKY

i don’t think you’ve watched the captain america movies, so i will explain them.

the saddest, gayest shit you will ever see. will fuck with your heart, ideally! but (as per always), skip the porn. this fandom is really big on it. UGH.

BUT it’s based off of movie adaptations of comic books, so the backstory is... ridiculous. i will summarize it for you. (tumblr ate this so here goes again)

THE DYNAMIC/history/massive goddamn ship manifesto

two guys, sitting in the great depression, two feet apart because it’s not socially acceptable to be gay

steve: tiny, blonde, always mad and big on SOCIAL JUSTICE. gets into fights for SOCIAL JUSTICE, despite growing up in the great depression when SOCIAL JUSTICE was not a commonly-known phrase or a common thing. he’s a bit of a shit, and he gets into shit. with his scrawny lil fists. he has all sorts of chronic illnesses but somehow manages to survive in a time with shitty medicine, and grow up to get into MORE shit. likes art, but is (partially?) colorblind

also he’s VERY HEAVILY coded as trans.

bucky: taller, brown hair, very popular but secretly a bit of a nerd (loves scifi, and is good at math). likes dancing, girls, and getting steve out of situations that he’s clearly over his head in and talking shit about it after. a bit of a charmer, etcetera.

there are some good fics from this era (”pre-war”) but idk where they are in my bookmarks. will update later.

so wait, what happens?

bucky gets steve out of dumb situations (like fighting a guy for talking during a movie) for pretty much all of their life. childhood friends until after high school-ish.

BUT, bucky is either drafted into the us army (it’s wwii now) or enlists, and steve is left alone in brooklyn, new york, to get into shit, without anyone to bail him out or prevent him from getting into MORE shit. so he finally manages to lie his scrawny, ill ass into the army, and (as one does) volunteers to get experimented on by the american government.

wait, what the fuck

comic books, okay. don’t @ me.

steve manages not to die! he finds a really pretty, badass lady to bisexually fawn over in the army (peggy carter is a fucking miracle), the experiments are a success and he ends up BIG and cured of all his ailments and with superfast metabolism (no alcohol) and superfast healing. he’s made it! (he basically just got really fast, unrealistic HRT hahaha)

... except the army can’t replicate the embiggening process they did with steve because the scientist that did it got killed, and steve is made into a glorified prettyman mascot to sell war bonds, instead of going to punch nazis, which he would be better at. he is a terrible mascot.

meanwhile, bucky has a shitty goddamn time in the european theatre. it’s terrible. he gets kidnapped by the EVIL SCIENCE NAZIS and put in a freaky camp and experimented on, poor guy.

you said you ship them, right? they’ve barely interacted so far, man. what the fuck.

alright alright i’m getting to it

steve the dancing monkey (in his words) is doing a Morale-Raising tour in europe for the troops and they hate it and he hates it. he discovers that... oh shit... bucky and his regiment (?) have been kidnapped by HYDRA! (the science nazis.)

naturally, he of little training MUST go save bucky, because the people that actually know how to save people know that it would be pointless to try. but steve “dumb shit” rogers will do it his own damn self. don’t @ him either. it’s the 1940s so he doesn’t have a phone.

steve will walk to austria, if he has to!... but he actually just gets a plane ride there, from peggy carter the badass and some other guy who’s not that relevant right now.

he KICKS NAZI ASS, SAVES THE PRISONERS, and MAKES MEANINGFUL EYE CONTACT WITH BUCKY ONCE HE FINDS HIM IN THE EVIL SCIENCE NAZI EXPERIMENTATION ROOM. bucky’s so out of it that he barely even tries to question why his old friend is suddenly hot  TALL.

steve and the lads walk back from austria, and he is a Bona Fide War Hero and not just a mascot. he has the stylish grime and everything. on the way, he realizes that the lads are pretty cool, and assembles a Diverse Crack Squad of Guys That Really Wanna Kill Nazis from the cool guys he just met. upon return to wherever they were earlier, steve is made a REAL CAPTAIN now, and his Diverse Crack Squad is at liberty to... go kill nazis.

bucky tags along. he is very handsome and talented at math, so he is a SNIPER and saves steve’s dumb ass (from getting shot by nazis, instead of getting punched in the face) like he used to. the Diverse Crack Squad gears up to take down THE WORST OF THE SCIENCE NAZIS, on a train in the mountains! they can change the course of COMIC BOOK WWII!

you said it was tragic. show me the tragic.

the TRAIN INFILTRATION does not go as planned, and bucky is knocked from the train and falls to his cold, painful, (presumably) death. steve can’t watch.

they catch a REALLY BAD SCIENCE NAZI, but it is a very hollow victory. steve goes and tries to get drunk in a blown-up bar where he hung out with bucky and they were really queer together.

the OTHER really bad science nazi now has a plan to BLOW UP COMIC BOOK NEW YORK! steven will NOT allow this to happen.

he’s also kind of given up on life. he has a flair for the dramatic, and also the ambiguously suicidal.

not that being ambiguously suicidal adds to the Dramatic Romance of this. it doesn’t, and that would be creepy. the point is that steve rogers has a LOT of issues, including the ones that science can’t cure.

this SPECIFIC PLANE is headed towards new york, full of explosives. steve manages to get aboard the plane... and doesn’t even try to escape. he crashes it into the water in the atlantic ocean, saying goodbye to peggy on the radio as it hits. he is also presumed dead. it’s... basically a suicide attempt.

flash forward seventy-some years.

wait, wasn’t he in the avengers?

steve rogers is found inside the frozen plane encased in ice in the ocean. he’s revived (super healing, woop) and... doesn’t say anything, because he’s really not up to expressing feelings.

he has a TERRIBLE time. all of his friends are dead or old and went about their lives without him, and he’s alone in a confusing new world. (but the food is better, vaccines are good, and no polio.) he’s not fantastic at making new friends, because, as shown by him and bucky’s entire relationship, he’s a bit of a sad introvert and just picks one person and... holds on.

blah blah avengers one blah blah, new team and fighting BAD THINGS. but steve is too angsty to make friends. he joins the new security organization that peggy founded, SHIELD, without really inspecting it that well because... he didn’t plan to be alive past flying the plane into the ice, much less in the 21st century. he doesn’t know what he’d do otherwise.

idk that sounds a little slow

he has DEPRESSION. it is a little slow. but it’ll pick up! (not emotionally.) now it’s very anti-establishment action flick. enter CAPTAIN AMERICA (2): THE WINTER SOLDIER.

steve makes a friend. actually, two! sam and natasha are wonderful, and they have some things in common. but steve obtains friendship while realizing that SHIELD is corrupt to the core and actually infiltrated by HYDRA, so he and his new friends have to... burn it to the ground. he “died” (or tried to) to stop HYDRA, and it’s still here and worse then ever. things feel pointless.

to make it worse, he’s fighting this creepily effective impersonal masked assassin on a bridge and oh fuck, oh fuck it’s bucky and didn’t he die years and years ago and his arm is METAL what happened to him, and he’s pretending not to recognize steve.

HYDRA is planning to eliminate sources of resistance for their new world order via shooting them from the air, so steve has to take one specific FLYING DEATHMACHINE down. he does, and brainwashed HYDRA bucky, the winter soldier, is there to stop him.

steve makes an appeal to emotions. “bucky stop you can’t do this”

bucky is confused, but he’s been programmed to do this.

steve tells his coworkers to JUST SHOOT THE DEATHMACHINE DOWN ALREADY, because he’s... given up again. he’s very talented at equating heroism with self-sacrifice/suicide. but he disables the DEATH part of the DEATHMACHINE without it getting shot down.

bucky has been trapped underneath a beam, but steve’s with bucky till the end of the line, even if bucky is brainwashed and lacking memories. steve drops his shield in the water and falls.

it’s another attempt to die. stop that, steve. go to therapy.

bucky doesn’t remember who he is, but he jumps after him. steve is very injured from his fight with bucky, and wouldn’t have survived the fall, but bucky drags him to shore and... leaves.

steve wakes up in the hospital with his new friend sam. they’re going to track bucky down, even if it takes forever.

ISN’T THAT FUCKED UP? isn’t that sad? it’s terrible. now, fics. most of them are after ca:tws, because that’s when the ship got popular. a lot of them center around Finding Bucky and Getting To Know Him Again.

there’s a lot of sappy sad let’s-teach-bucky-how-to-be-a-person-again-and-get-steve-to-be-less-sad but i like the ones that are like sad action movies, or sad queer movies, and less like sad romance movies. my bookmarks are a mess, so here’s the best stuff i could dredge up.

out of the dead land: this one kills me every single time. there’s something terribly cinematic about it. but, as fandom is wont to do, there’s porn near the end. skip that part. ew. it’s an introspective scifi action epic, with just enough identity issues to make you want to cry! READ IT, IT’S IMPORTANT.

this: alternate universe, sans steve “dying.” epistolary. sad, as far as i can remember. (i’d rec the rest of this series but i think it’s best if you read this one first?)

courtroom/media fic. what if the winter soldier got arrested after the movie? (cap fandom does this kind of fake-media thing very well. i just reread it. it’s still good.)

this one isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but it’s a different take on the fandom’s typical post-winter soldier bucky interpretation. quite short, 100% safe for work.

in this one, steve successfully gets drunk, makes some friends, and gains some coping skills. good for dark humour. there’s porn somewhere but i’m sure it’s easily skippable, otherwise i wouldn’t have bookmarked it. not 100% the best thing every but it’s pretty fun.

if you aren’t team s/b all the way then we can’t be friends, but here’s some other marvel stuff i guess

lesbians, ballet, feelings? it’s a rarepair but it’s pretty lovely. au, no background knowledge required. basically a beautiful indie film that’s kind of oscar-bait. you will like this one, i think. there’s probably porn somewhere.

trans black widow. (that chapter only, not sure what the rest is). not very well-written and i have terrible memory but i’m 75% sure it made me cry.

ENJOY! or try to. don’t feel obligated to. but please at least TRY out of the dead land, it is groundbreaking.

[theofficialautisticgamer]

Moved To Tears A Review/Appreciation for Bungie's Halo Trilogy Played on XB1 on the Master Chief Collection Halo: CE Anniversary Beat in 5h, 50m, 06s Halo 2: Anniversary Beat in 6h, 58m, 20s Halo 3 Beat in 4h, 28m, 55s This is the reason I got an Xbox One. Sure, it's highly different then the 80 Million + selling PS4, and I do think the PS4 is a great console. But it was missing one thing. A Exclusive shooter series. We had Killzone: Shadow Fall at launch but that wasn't much to be talked about. Xbox One had Halo: The Master Chief Collection. In 2016, I caved in and bought an Xbox One original model before even knowing there was going to be a One S and a One X. I did buy all the models leading to my love of 4K HDR Gaming but when all I had was Halo MCC and my Xbox One at first, I started to develop a relationship not only with the console, but with Halo again. The Halo Trilogy by Bungie is one of the greatest series ever. I have not even touched Halo 4 or 5 or Reach (I'm not touching ODST because from what I saw the characters were annoying as shit) but Halo continued my love for FPS Games. I'm going to do this review in fractions so I'll be talking about one game than moving onto the next. You'll see how it works. So without further ado, lets go! HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED ANNIVERSARY I originally played Halo: Combat Evolved pirated on PC and really enjoyed it at the time. But with my current playthrough of the Halo trilogy and going back to Anniversary, I absolutely loved the game. In retrospect, it's one of the games to really influence a lot of modern day shooters like COD, Killzone, Battleield, Borderlands and the lot. For one, Halo had you carry only two guns and if you wanted to try a new gun, you'd have to pick one up from a dead grunt or Elite soldier. This is excellent because it focuses on experimentation on which guns you like and don't like. The Shotgun in this game is GOD TIER. I mean it. It's one of the best video game shotguns besides F.E.A.R, Half-Life 2 and Doom 3. I love just killing all the flood with my shotgun and it's so addicting to use. The weapons are basically perfect and I love them all. Even the Needler, which I originally hated is now one of my picks for taking out stronger enemies. Oh god, don't even get me started on the Plasma Rifle, AWESOME. The gameplay in Halo: Combat Evolved is basically perfect. You go through a bunch of levels shooting your way to the next objective and it's highly addicting. Combat Evolved's title is not joking, it is Combat Evolved because the only thing that came close to that experience in my opinion was Half-Life where you shot aliens and marines and used different guns real and high tech. But, there is a flaw. The story, while pretty great and having a few good twists and epic moments, have a glaring issues. And I know I'm going to get A LOT of hate for saying this, but I just didn't find Master Chief to be a convincing human character. WHAT?! You scream. HE IS THE MASCOT FOR XBOX! That might be true but he has the brain's of a 4th Grade Elementary School Student. Chief is just a barbaric alien killer with no real character. He just does stupid shit, like working for 343 Guilty Spark at one point and then when Cortana says you almost got us killed, you think to yourself, Why Does Chief Blindly Do What Anyone Says? I get that he is a trained soldier of the Marines but COME ON. Chief should know something is wrong at that point when he is teleported to the Library level. Aside from those idiotic things, the story is solid, the gameplay addictive, especially when using a controller, the music iconic, the graphics pretty good for a remaster and it has a lot of qualities to like about it. 9.2/10 HALO 2: ANNIVERSARY In my opinion, this is the weakest of the trilogy, but that doesn't mean it's bad! It is stil a really good shooter but it falls flat in some aspects. The best thing about Halo 2 is not even the gameplay, it's actually a bit inferior to Combat Evolved as we have a new stack of weapons and some of them do not feel great especially the Carbine and Grenade Launcher. The shotgun is still GOD TIER though so that's nice. What makes Halo 2 great is The Arbiter, disgraced commander turned to Prophet's little toy. The Arbiter's story is engaging and the cutscenes are absolutely cool to look at, especially when watching the remastered version of the game. So, what about Master Chief? Is he ANY Better? The Answer? Nope. He still does whatever the hell he wants and is still just a dumb barbaric killer. Really? What is it with Chief in these first two games that he is just that one dimensional? For a character this iconic, it's extremely frustrating to see him not progress as a character. In fact, when Chief scares a grunt just by saying "Boo" it made me shake my head in disagreement that Bungie thought that was funny. Anyways, GAMEPLAY! The gameplay is pretty good, although not on the level of Halo CE Anniversary. Shooting is still satisfying with most guns, but some of the other guns not so much. The game throws us with Brutes, who take over the Elite's role halfway through the game and they are bullet sponges. Brutes take like five million shots to kill and it gets annoying pretty fast. Also, a backstab or a powerful shot to the back is a one shot kill which gets irritating. However, it's all miniscule and the gameplay still works. Basically, the weakest Halo Game but it showed the story was getting way better. 8.5/10 HALO 3 This is it. This is one of my favorite games ever made beside Borderlands, Half-Life, Forza Horizon 3, Doom 3, Devil May Cry 4 and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare (2007). So why is the climax to the Bungie Trilogy (Excuse my language here) so fucking amazing!? Well, I'll get into some of my biggest praises. Master Chief has been a static character throughout the entire series until here. I don't see how Chief could have changed at all here to progress his character, but they did it. MASTER CHIEF IS ACTUALLY GOOD HERE! Chief finally acts like a human, having trouble expressing grief as he is a superhuman soldier with the quest to save his beloved companion AI Cortana. Chief and Cortana's relationship is explored even more as you get visions of Cortana here and there, which makes Chief's quest even more satisfying when you find her and there are some callbacks to the first game as well. The gameplay is pretty much the best Halo has ever been. All the guns are satisfying and tuned to be the best possible (Even the Carbine and Nade Launcher!) and the new weapons are excellent and the shotgun is still great! Although if an enemy collides with you in a vehicle, it's a one hit kill which got infuriating fast. But like Halo 2's bullet sponge Brutes, it's very miniscule especially the Scarab tank parts. But the story. MY GOD. It's beautiful and emotionally impactful. Many characters die, so much is lost, but when the game is over, you'll be satisfied with the outcome of the situation. This is one of the only games to move me to tears and cry for a long time. The ending at the memorial is so emotional and sad, it's one of my favorite moments in any video game ever. It's beautiful and touching. Halo 3 Perfected the story driven shooter and Master Chief finally got the ending he deserved, at least, until Halo 4. 10/10 OVERALL RATING FOR THE SERIES: 9.5/10 The point I wanted to make with this review is that Halo, Along with the Forza Series made me fall in love again with Xbox. The relationship I have with the console brand is strong and I respect what Phil Spencer and Microsoft are doing with the future of Xbox and gaming in general. The Halo Trilogy is one of the grand champions of FPS Games and must not be missed out on. It's Masterful. -Michael (TheAutisticGamer)

[lonleygirld]

The When.

thematureapprentice / July 26, 2018 / Rewrite

See talking about my past I guess can be easy, when you have lived it and lived it long enough ago that it is all there. But to begin talking about how I got to where I am now and starting this blog. Now that’s the tricky part….

  I guess we could start with me volunteering, it was fun, I loved having conversations with so many different people. I volunteered at Lifeline, for the dole. I struggled so hard for years trying to find work. I believe that was because I was pretty selective about it.

Centrelink and it’s outrageous work for the dole conditions are a joke. Like it’s not really but then it is. It’s great that you had something to do for 6 months of the year, but then you had 6 months of the year to do shit all and bulge on the dole.

So my first commitment was Lifeline, loved it and would totally do it again in the future. I loved the conversations I would have with such a selective bunch. Not to mention they would always complement my hair haha, I would have pinks and purples and bright reds, it was exciting. By like 2 months in I was pretty much left in charge of a lot of things and that was great. I like that I can excel in things that I enjoy. I started to come in earlier and sometimes stayed later, I was excellent on the shop floor. Sorting out furniture and receiving goods, give me that any day. The sad thing was I was in a town with the highest unemployment, so getting a real job just like it was greatly difficult.

I stuck on after my 6 months and did a full year with them, until Centrelink decided I should do a course. So the following 6 months I had to do a Certificate 3 in Customer Engagement. Which was a piss easy course and could easily do it in my sleep. We pretty much did data entry work and Microsoft Word and Excel shit. I ended up the quiet person in my class but I am always like that, I like to get my work done. In the end I opened up a little and started helping elder people who got stuck with the course on how to use computers lol. That I didn’t mind so much, I guess it’s just my parents that I hate helping with that stuff haha.

Eventually I got shoved into a Business that was doing I guess unpaid work for organisations in town. We created Menus and Banners and all sorts. I enjoyed that. We also had to start every morning by looking for jobs to apply for. I was spamming the shit out of all and any jobs in any State and town. I just wanted something I knew I would be good at.

During that time I started talking with a guy, we hit it off we had a lot of things in common. He didn’t live where I did, so it was basically online for a brief period till he started visiting. I enjoyed his company, I think the best thing about it was that we are both asexual, so there was no pressure to full fill any sexual desires and just simply spent time together so that we weren’t as a lone as we were.

Near the end of 2017, I was getting spam with job interviews. The only problem was that they were out in the city which was a long drive. I did this a couple of times till the last time my partner and I stayed a weekend in the city at a hotel. I had been invited to have a walk through of a business, had a face to face with the guy I previously had a phone interview with. Next thing you know I was having a Medical for the job and I think it was about 2 days and I was just about to set back off home when I got the call I had the job. I had no idea what I was going to do.

I had no house, no bed or nowhere really to stay, let alone a place to bring my partner with me. I ended up staying at my best friends house that week while I convinced my cousins to let my partner crash in their lounge. I think the next 3 months where a disaster. We were house hunting, while trying to deal with my redonkulous work hours and the fact he needed to decide what he was going to do. He couldn’t sleep at my cousins forever.

He eventually got a job in Computer Engineering which came with quiet a package, car, mobile all that jazz. Which left him heaps to get his own place. He asked me to move in but I wasn’t really ready for that. So I continued to stay at my mates house till a couple of days before Christmas. When I finally went back home it was a god send, didn’t have to deal with work or my partner cause he flew to his parents for the weeks we had off.

It was a cute Christmas, my friends came and hung with my crazy Asian family. They were not going to lie quiet a handful. But I guess I am kinda used to it, it was also great to see my beautiful siblings. My siblings were also in a great spot. I think it was the first Christmas ever where we all had decent jobs and were in an okay place in life.

I guess after Christmas wasn’t that great. I went back to the big smoke and started working again, still sleeping at my mates house on his couch. I saw my partner like briefly over the weekends. Our lives got so complicated so fast. My mate finally turned around to me and said “that’s it, we are going to fake a break up with me and my partner and you can I can look for a place together”. I was absolutely in awe about this, I could have never asked for a better best friend them him, I mean 20+ years of knowing each other and still going strong. Just between you and me, my mother wanted me to marry him haha. Lucky for him he has been in a beautiful relationship with a gorgeous man for 7 years.

So we put in for about 3 houses together and BAM! We had a bite, it was a little ways out from the city but I had to accept it. Who knew when I would get another bite let a lone a place that allowed me to bring my beautiful dog. First night there on a blow up mattress was the best feeling in the world. I’ve done it I thought, I have finally found where I am meant to be. Little did I know that would all blow up in my face 8 Months later…

[charlesjening]

Going Concern March Madness: Ultimate Tech Showdown

Once upon a time, our former dear leader Caleb — who is not exactly known as the pinnacle of red-blooded, sports-loving American male — got the bright idea to gift the accounting profession with its very own March Madness competition. Although it was wildly popular those first two years, it also ended in embarrassment for us as our “Coolest Accounting Firm” brackets ended two years in a row with Rothstein Kass at the top. Seriously, how did you guys let that happen? We assume vote manipulation but the world may never know nor should we care as this shit ain’t that serious.

Undeterred by allowing a decidedly uncool accounting firm to dominate the cool rankings, we tried again the following year with Excel functions with the help of our former resident Excel guru David Ringstrom. “Your Most EXCELlent Bracket” was not only a big hit, but kind of useful as we tied in tips from Ringstrom on how to manage your March Madness brackets with Excel. Excelception!

Out of ideas come the next mid-March, we went with the ever-popular busy season problems, as you all seem to love ranking your individual misery against that of your colleagues and fellow GC readers. As expected, that was a big hit, although probably not the best idea for your collective mental health.

And then… silence. For reasons beyond my understanding, due to both not giving a shit about it and not bothering to understand Caleb’s motivations, we simply stopped doing March Madness. My guess is part of it had to do with the fact that it’s a lot of work putting together, and Lord knows we hate putting an effort into anything around here.

Still, I thought I’d drag March Madness out of the Going Concern recycling bin, dust it off, and shine it up like a fine polished turd this year for old time’s sake. So here we are.

Since all the good ideas have already been done, we struggled to come up with worthy bracket-holders this year. After much back and forth between Bramwell and I, we settled on technology. I mean… you use it, you need it, you likely experience a love-hate relationship with it most of the time. Perfect!

So here’s how it’s gonna work. Brammers and I picked 32 technologies in two divisions: Dusty and Shiny. Yes we’re aware there should be four divisions, so sue us. Oh wait, none of y’all are lawyers. Go ahead and complain in the comment section if you’re mad about it. For our super-refined, definitely not thrown together divisions, we separated technology by “oldies” and “newbies,” essentially. In the Dusty category you’ll find old standbys like Microsoft Excel (duh) and the illustrious 10-key, while Shiny boasts newer tech like Xero and Fishbowl. Like I said, we labored long and hard about how to categorize these so please don’t shit all over it like you do everything else. Scratch that, we actually don’t care.

Our competitors should be pretty clear, we chose technologies that range from specific software for accounting firms (eAudit, Aura, et al) to technologies that help you survive the cube life (Amazon, food delivery services, those lamps people with seasonal depression get so they can get through winter without ending it all). Although there’s some overlap in competitors (Microsoft Office and Excel each get their own entries), we had reasons beyond laziness for doing so (really, we’re not sure Excel could dominate this contest if we lumped it in with Outlook and PowerPoint, let’s be honest). Do you really care how the sausage is made? I know I don’t. Eat up.

For each division, we want you to rank the various technologies from 1 – 16. We’re not suggesting you should engage in vote manipulation (see above re: the Rothstein Kass incident) but should you feel compelled to interfere in the rankings of, say, competing Big 4 software, we’re not going to stop you. In a week we’ll tally your responses and assign brackets, in which our divisions will battle it out amongst themselves until we crown a winner.

Alright, got it? Let’s get ready to rummmmmbllll — wait, wrong sport. Whatever. You get the point. Polls close this Friday at 5 p.m. Eastern, so let’s make it count, alright? If Lotus Notes takes it home I swear to Bastet I’m so done with y’all.

Now, go forth and waste some billable hours!

Create your own user feedback survey

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In case the above embedded surveys don’t work for you, you can vote for Dusty Division here and Shiny Division here.

The post Going Concern March Madness: Ultimate Tech Showdown appeared first on Going Concern.

republished from Going Concern

[gerdelgado]

Looking back

Ladies and gentlemen, the show is (nearly) over. It’s time to look back at what the MBA has been. But let me give away the answer: it’s been way more than I ever expected, hoped or dreamt it would be. If anyone out there is considering doing this, do it. It’s not a vacation, a way to get more money or to get your dream job. it’s all of that and more. Simply put, it will be the best 2 years of your life.

Expectations

I had wanted to do an MBA since I finished my undergrad. I worked hard for 5 years to improve my profile and be a valid candidate. But my expectations now seem quite limited. I thought the MBA would be good for my career, that it would help me get jobs I couldn’t get before. I thought that I would meet interesting people. I thought I would have great classes and learn a lot. And I thought there would be some parties. I wasn’t too far off on those, but the MBA is sooo much more than that.

Academics

I loved the academic part of the MBA. I learned so many new things in super actionable and summarized ways. I refreshed some concepts from the undergrad I hadn’t used in years. And I lost my fear to some subjects, like finance. Heck, I even ended up enjoying Excel! Some people will tell you that the Academics at Haas (or any other MBA for that matter) were not up to the level they expected, and that can be true. Some people come with a lot of experience and quite frankly are above the level of an MBA. But I think that everyone can get something valuable out of it.

In particular, at Haas I will say that the core was good, but had some professors that were not good enough. In an MBA you expect to learn useful and valuable concepts, to do it in an easy way, but also to have fun. There were a couple of classes where the professors were not engaging enough or the level was too hard/easy. To be honest, they were the exception, so I’m happy with this.

The electives is a complicated story. It’s basically like walking at the top of a ridge. If you stay on the right path your classes are awesome, but the moment you choose the wrong one the level goes down. Dramatically. I think that the classes I chose were extremely good and on par with any class that you would get at any other top 8 MBA, but I did pick a couple that I was scared to take. If you come to Haas, remember that!

I also want to make a quick note about the faculty and facilities. The faculty at Haas is good (with the caveout from above), but what is super nice is that they are extremely approachable. I had lunch with several professors and emailed others on topics that I found interesting, and that is not so common. The second note is about the facilities. Haas was clearly lagging behind other schoools, but after the new building opened up, I can say confidently that our facilities rock. Even visiting Stanford, it’s easy to see how our classes are way more modern and functional (I can’t say the same about the campus, Stanford’s rocks!). Don’t take it for granted!

Grade: A-

Social

I was expecting to meet people, but I feel so fortunate of how this has played out. I have managed to be an acquanintance to 80% of the MBA, be colleagues and get to know at least 60% of the class, and become friends with 100+ people (the wedding invite list is absurd). Not in my wildest dreams I was hoping for this to go so well, specially since I am (was?) an introvert.

But what surprised me the most is the level of people and the friendship. MBAs are just incredibly interesting, they had awesome lifes and it’s a delight to spend time and share experiences with them. But also it’s surprising how deep relationships go in such a short amount of time. There’s an invisible force that binds you together that is way stronger than I had ever thought.

Grade: A+

Careers

This was a roller coaster for me. I started off thinking I had a clear idea to move to business development. After all I had done that in the past and loved it, so it was a natural move. Then in the first week of class, the career coaches tell me it will be impossible and that I will not get a job. There. In the face.

That was probably the best advised I got at Haas. It opened up so many other possibilities. From having conversations with Space X about helping them develop a new ISP to fund the space race to Mars, to discussing with Adobe how to help on a new macr partnership with Microsoft, or with Tesla on how to rebuild their procurement activities.

Recruiting was hard. I worked a lot on it. I can even say confidently that I overkilled it after getting 9 offers for my intership. But what was really great about it was realizing how much more a job can be. I saw myself completing dreams, pushing humanity forward or fullfilling lifelong passions. And that was just amazing. My initial concern was exclusively about how not to lose money or position by doing the MBA, and I ended up not caring at all. Sure, I did negotiate my offer up so I didn’t lose money, but I also passed on a manager position and a fast track to director just to do something that excites me more. And that tells you something.

Haas opened so many doors I can’t start to describe it. From meeting with a millionnaire that made a fortune selling his gaming startup to reaching out to VPs at dozens of companies in the valley. I will say, however, that in the interview processes it was hard to compete against some folks from other schools. In particular, Stanford and Harvards were clearly put in a different league to us, and I pressume Wharton and Booth too (I just didn’t experience it first hand).

And that tells you one of the (few) weaknesses at Haas. We are a top 8 school but people know we are fairly new to this club. We still have ground to cover. And this is extremely accentuated the moment you move out of the traditional industries at Haas, especially Tech. I had a terrific experience and was blessed with many offers but good friendso f mine who I consider way more qualified and smarter than me didn’t (yet). And alhtough I know 100% that they will find something awesome before the summer ends, I do think we could have done better there.

Grade: B+

Personal development

I did not expect this one. My manager had told me that I was going to mature a lot, but I just wasn’t expecting this. From having to come out of my shell and become an extrovert,t o facing my fears, taking on new hobbies I hated (hiking, really?) or retaking old ones that I thought I would never redo again (snowboarding!). 

It started with me having to be comfortable talking to so many new people in English. Then we moved into facing fears. Fears of rejection, of not being good enough. And then we went for the heavy stuff. Realizing you are mediocre in this group, losing your self confidence, and refinding it later when you realize you are more talented than you thought. And in the way, facing what was probably my biggest fear/concern: my back injury, comfronting it and deciding I didn’t want to let it rule my life, at least not while I have something to say about it. I became more active, stopped using it as an excuse and started trying new things. And this led to a huge realization: just. fucking. try. I know face things with hopeful eyes and think they will work. I know I have a toolkit to appraoch problems, and a group of talented friends to ask for support or questions if I get blocked. And this has made me so much more powerful.

This journey also involved a lot of self discovery. Finding my limits, my real fears, my real passions. And that was interesting to see. Somehow it feels like it’s just the beginning and that there is a lot more work to do here, but it would have never happened without this experience. 

And I want to mention here too that I travelled so much. I visited all the continents (ok, I’m missing Oceania but we’ll get there), I looked into a lion’s eyes, partied in Hong Kong, had a tuna that was caught ours before in Tokyo, danced until the sunset in the Rio carnival, or prayed in Jerusalem. And that doesn’t even include the things we did in the US! The world became so much smaller and at the same time so many new places became viable destinations I want to visit!

Grade: A

Summary

This has been the best thing I’ve done in my life, by far. The things I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve shared with my classmates, the friendships I’ve forged that will last a lifetime, the places I’ve seen, how much I’ve changed... I can’t summarize this well enough. I will only say that it’s worth every damn penny, every hour of effort to get into it.

Final Grade: A

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WORK ETHIC AND FOUNDERS

They want to know what sort of person you are, and this consumes less energy. I know about Java, there seem to be disappointments early on, because she was the one who'd go out and get a job doing B, and then get that done as soon as possible. In social settings, I found that I got over 100 other responses listing the surprises they encountered. So what's the minimum you need to launch? That, I think. They create a new world among themselves, and standing in this world is what matters, not standing in their family can win them points in the world they care about. False positives seem to me a different kind of error. We also see signs of all three. And unfortunately there is a role for mathematical elegance: some kinds of design problems are more personal than others. To have kids! A tables were full of long words that our teacher wouldn't have used.

It's the junk food of experience. Don't decide too soon. Economically, startups are ubiquitous in Silicon Valley in the 1960s. Fourteen-year-olds didn't start smoking pot because they'd heard it would help them forget their problems. It's a qualitative change, like the speed limiters in U-Haul trucks, prevent fools from doing too much damage. Your job description as technical founder/CEO is completely rewritten every 6-12 months. One founder said explicitly that the relationship between the founders and the company dies. Now most kids have little idea what various types of work are like. These are smart people; if the technology was good, so I decided to ask the questions they did.

Raising VC scale investments is thus a huge time sink—more work, probably, it was very unusual for educated people to start their own, so they did. Which basket is best. Because remember, the Microsoft monopoly didn't begin with Microsoft. They don't actually hate you. I were back in high school: what you want to excel in it. Mostly this was just a pose. So I think we will, with server-based applications on Windows. Cobol, PL/I, Ada have lost, while hacker languages C, Perl, Python, Smalltalk, and Lisp programmers love their languages. Silicon Valley already knew it was important to have the best hackers. Unfortunately, to be unpopular in school is not life.

Thanks to Dan Giffin, Ross Boucher, Aaron Iba, Matt Cohler, and Jessica Livingston for the lulz.

[mikegchambers]

Slightly Cloudy with a Chance of SaaS

SaaS is often so brainlessly easy to implement that for many executives it should be the first toe-test into cloud

There is a logical progression in the psychological Stages of Cloud Acceptance among business and IT executives:

Do nothing. Hope it goes away.

Get concerned that you’re last to the party.

Realize that the security issues are perfectly manageable.

Trial some low-risk SaaS applications.

Test cloud with a tiny, non-critical new project so nobody gets fired if it doesn’t work out.

Migrate all the back-ups and disaster recovery to the cloud.

Road bump! Find it’s costing more than expected… and then rearchitect quietly to do it properly this time.

Seriously embrace hybrid cloud since it seems to offer everything.

Ditch hybrid because it’s not delivering as expected — go full public cloud.

Wonder what to do with all the data centers you no longer need.

These are the 10 steps to True Cloud Enlightenment. It can take between 2 to 5 years from “no cloud ever” to boasting at executive lunches how you predicted the whole cloud thing and saved millions on data centers.

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The Enterprise Adoption Curve

 — @swardley

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In my prior blogs we’ve discussed that the cloud isn’t going away (all growth charts are up and to the right), you’re not too late to the party, and there are all sorts of robust security solutions that can solve your PCI, HIPAA and other regulatory and compliance needs.

The next step in our cloud evolution is SaaS — pronounced ‘sass’ by the cool kids — which is like the Häagen-Daz of software naming.

SaaS is the Gateway Drug to Cloud

If you like your acronyms to have upper and lowercase letters, you’ve come to the right place since we have SaaS, PaaS and IaaS all as descriptors for different levels of cloud.

Software-as-a-Service (Saas) might sound mysterious, but think of it ‘more like Gmail, less like installing from CD’. SaaS is usually software that runs in a browser and takes care of itself — major apps like Salesforce, Concur, Workday, Jira and Slack — and for regular users the perception is that it works much better than in-house applications.

All of these SaaS tools have the full usefulness of a piece of software you might have once installed from a DVD, tar file or diskette — remember that? But now the software platform itself automagically manages upgrades, backups, security and other boring activities that you would perhaps screw up if you did them in-house.

An important takeaway here is that although these apps appear to be stand-alone — after all, they are outside your company — they can integrate with other software very easily. All popular SaaS apps talk to other on-premise and cloud-based applications using APIs, which are basically like commands for passing information back and forth without needing to know how the systems work internally.

Most work with LDAP so you can use your existing corporate directory of users. And there are also some great tools like Zapier which help wire up how these applications chat to each other, so you can automate a calendar invite from Google Mail when a new lead appears in a Salesforce from a Marketo landing page (not the most useful examine I know).

The net effect is that SaaS apps behave like in-house apps but they are much faster to deploy — and work all the time.

Arguably the biggest drawback of a SaaS app is that it’s a black box managed by another company. But unless your corporate mission is to run commoditized applications better than Google or Microsoft, you should quickly shun such negative thoughts. SaaS will go a long way to simplifying your technology costs, managing headcount and reducing misery and suffering caused by your badly implemented versions of the same thing. It’s also a very safe first step if you are in IT Management (hint, hint).

SaaS is often so brainlessly easy to implement that for many executives it should be the first toe-test into cloud.

How Much Does All of This Cost?

On the one hand, SaaS apps are nothing like the usual IT boondoggle which can be bad for executives depending on vendor dinners and charity golf events to fill their social calendars. Importantly, much like other cloud services, your spend will move almost entirely from capital expenditure to operating expenditure, so no more depreciation games for the accounting department either.

While the total cost of ownership will drop overall, there are some subtleties:

Licensing fees generally move from single purchase, per-seat or “let’s pick a number” to standard per-user subscription monthly pricing.

You may require outside advisory services for configuration and migration, and often companies forget to budget for this.

Change management costs are usually overstated since SaaS usability is often much better than what its replacing.

Sometimes migration costs are hard to predict but will depend on how much of a undocumented, labyrinthine, Kafka-esque cluster your existing system is.

A Quick Round-up of the Best SaaS

This is becoming a crowd marketplace and there are hundreds of quality apps in this space. Still I wanted to mention a few of the best SaaS offerings currently out there, especially the ones with broad applicability.

Google Suite — the Gold Standard of SaaS

Google’s Microsoft Office alternative was one of the first SaaS offerings and is probably the most widely known. A few years ago, I rolled out Google Docs (then renamed Google Apps, then Google Suite) to a few companies and the power of SaaS was quickly obvious. Let’s be honest — corporate email services usually suck, especially if you’re a road warrior with mobile devices, stumbling over large files, systems upgrades and spam floods. For on-premise Outlook users, even moving PCs at work can make you want to never touch a keyboard again.

Google Mail is a fantastic corporate alternative since it takes the suck out of what is essentially a very well established and unexciting piece of technology. Why run your own exchange servers when Google will do this for you for $5 a month? Even Outlook die-hards can tie on their favorite outdated mail client around the service and everyone is happy.

To me, Google Suite embodies all that it great about SaaS. It’s not a clone of Office but does feature the most compelling real-time collaboration tools. A team of people can all edit the same spreadsheet and see each other’s update in real time (no emailing documents back and forth) and it works from any device anywhere equally well. The administration tools are also first-class and going back to on-premise Exchange feels like using a VCR after you’ve seen how Netflix works.

There are big cost savings here if you employ the entire G Suite toolset properly. It can handle your SSO using two-factor and security keys, manage spam better than any other platform, host all your files, and integrate with a Marketplace full of powerful CRM, payroll, accounting and workflow tools. When I hear IT people dismiss it as “just email”, they clearly haven’t seen it in the last decade.

The startling difference between the speed, reliability and cost of on-premise email versus Google is, well, no contest really.

Manage Your Pipeline with Salesforce

Salesforce became the first billion dollar cloud company for a reason — it enabled Sales and Marketing teams to select and configure their own software without dealing with their godawful IT departments. Since it operates in a browser, shadow IT evolved from Excel and Access into the major leagues and by the time IT complained, it was already running a substantial part of the company.

Quickly forgotten after a weekend away.

It’s a decent platform and a good fit for many medium-to-large size companies. Its own sales force can be Oracle-like in trying to use Jedi mind tricks to make you buy everything — you don’t need all the add-ons. It does pay to find a couple of good developers to help with the integration and customization, since this step can easily double the cost of implementation. That aside, CRM has always been a painful software category and Salesforce is a good solution in a difficult space.

There is a common love-hate relationship with Salesforce. Users hate it until you try to take it away.

You Should Really Be Using Workday

I once had the misfortune to work on a large PeopleSoft project and honestly didn’t know software could be architected that poorly. PeopleSoft is/was on-premise and let’s companies customize its performance by writing their own code in the wrong places.

The eventual result is that every upgrade requires consultancy organizations to ‘help you’ analyze your customizations, apply the upgrade, and then reapply the offending code. PeopleSoft implementations break so many established tenets of good coding and architecture standards, I don’t even know where to start.

Workday is great for escaping the PeopleSoft cycle of despair, since it allows rampant customization yet they manage the upgrades invisibly. This is achieved by allowing extensibility (the tech equivalent of adding neon lighting under your car) using well-worn approaches such as plug-ins. Any change you make for your own business doesn’t impact the core code base or any of their other customers in the environment. This is a classic win-win case for SaaS but couldn’t be more stark when compared to the spaghetti coding in the on-premise alternative.

Jira, Confluence and Atlassian

Atlassian makes some solid cloud products and they’re based in Austin so I’ll throw a little Texas love their way. Jira is a wonderfully elegant cloud tool for managing workflow pipelines for agile teams, especially software engineers. This is great if your project tracking tends to happen in spreadsheets and scraps of paper, or you’re trying to make Trello and Basecamp jump through hoops and do unnatural things. For sure, Jira can be a horror show on-premise for complicated reasons but it hums along in the cloud with no issues at all.

Confluence is a Wiki tool by the same company that can tame and replace the on-premise SharePoint dragon that plagues large firms. SharePoint has a tendency to become a maze of outdated documents and pages incredibly quickly, and somehow manages to be both hard to use for the casual user while not really seeming to do very much. The staleness issue is more to do with the fact that philosophically Wikis make much more sense for many businesses experiencing rapid change. It’s easier to keep smaller portals up to date with current information for now than keeping a document archive that somehow is supposed to be the history of a company.

Consider dumping your existing process document repository and replace it with a wiki.

Slack — the Ultimate Communications Tool

There are some strong opinions about Slack especially from people who’ve never used it. On the surface, it’s Skype, Hangouts and every other chat tool rehashed — but why! — until you start testing in different groups of people and realize how closely it mirrors how we all work together today. Out of all the software I’ve used in the last few years, Slack is the biggest surprise in terms of how a brilliantly executed and blissfully simple design accelerates productivity and team communication.

Development teams love Slack almost universally due to its automation capabilities and the sort of off-the-cuff informal chatting options (like using giphy) that dev teams enjoy. But regular humans also quickly embrace the tool’s elegance and I’ve seen it reduce email clutter dramatically as a ‘mass cc’ alternative. It’s also surprising how Slack scales to group of thousands of users and somehow doesn’t drive you insane with updates — many messaging apps look pretty backwards by comparison.

These are just some of the most well known SaaS applications but there are thousands out there. Ever heard of Git? Cloud9? Zendesk? Twilio? Docusign? I guarantee at least one of these will rock your company.

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In upcoming blogs, I’ll dive into AWS and see how to use various services for a simple cloud-based project.

Slightly Cloudy with a Chance of SaaS was originally published in A Cloud Guru on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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