#thematureapprentice

[lonleygirld]

The When.

thematureapprentice / July 26, 2018 / Rewrite

See talking about my past I guess can be easy, when you have lived it and lived it long enough ago that it is all there. But to begin talking about how I got to where I am now and starting this blog. Now that’s the tricky part….

  I guess we could start with me volunteering, it was fun, I loved having conversations with so many different people. I volunteered at Lifeline, for the dole. I struggled so hard for years trying to find work. I believe that was because I was pretty selective about it.

Centrelink and it’s outrageous work for the dole conditions are a joke. Like it’s not really but then it is. It’s great that you had something to do for 6 months of the year, but then you had 6 months of the year to do shit all and bulge on the dole.

So my first commitment was Lifeline, loved it and would totally do it again in the future. I loved the conversations I would have with such a selective bunch. Not to mention they would always complement my hair haha, I would have pinks and purples and bright reds, it was exciting. By like 2 months in I was pretty much left in charge of a lot of things and that was great. I like that I can excel in things that I enjoy. I started to come in earlier and sometimes stayed later, I was excellent on the shop floor. Sorting out furniture and receiving goods, give me that any day. The sad thing was I was in a town with the highest unemployment, so getting a real job just like it was greatly difficult.

I stuck on after my 6 months and did a full year with them, until Centrelink decided I should do a course. So the following 6 months I had to do a Certificate 3 in Customer Engagement. Which was a piss easy course and could easily do it in my sleep. We pretty much did data entry work and Microsoft Word and Excel shit. I ended up the quiet person in my class but I am always like that, I like to get my work done. In the end I opened up a little and started helping elder people who got stuck with the course on how to use computers lol. That I didn’t mind so much, I guess it’s just my parents that I hate helping with that stuff haha.

Eventually I got shoved into a Business that was doing I guess unpaid work for organisations in town. We created Menus and Banners and all sorts. I enjoyed that. We also had to start every morning by looking for jobs to apply for. I was spamming the shit out of all and any jobs in any State and town. I just wanted something I knew I would be good at.

During that time I started talking with a guy, we hit it off we had a lot of things in common. He didn’t live where I did, so it was basically online for a brief period till he started visiting. I enjoyed his company, I think the best thing about it was that we are both asexual, so there was no pressure to full fill any sexual desires and just simply spent time together so that we weren’t as a lone as we were.

Near the end of 2017, I was getting spam with job interviews. The only problem was that they were out in the city which was a long drive. I did this a couple of times till the last time my partner and I stayed a weekend in the city at a hotel. I had been invited to have a walk through of a business, had a face to face with the guy I previously had a phone interview with. Next thing you know I was having a Medical for the job and I think it was about 2 days and I was just about to set back off home when I got the call I had the job. I had no idea what I was going to do.

I had no house, no bed or nowhere really to stay, let alone a place to bring my partner with me. I ended up staying at my best friends house that week while I convinced my cousins to let my partner crash in their lounge. I think the next 3 months where a disaster. We were house hunting, while trying to deal with my redonkulous work hours and the fact he needed to decide what he was going to do. He couldn’t sleep at my cousins forever.

He eventually got a job in Computer Engineering which came with quiet a package, car, mobile all that jazz. Which left him heaps to get his own place. He asked me to move in but I wasn’t really ready for that. So I continued to stay at my mates house till a couple of days before Christmas. When I finally went back home it was a god send, didn’t have to deal with work or my partner cause he flew to his parents for the weeks we had off.

It was a cute Christmas, my friends came and hung with my crazy Asian family. They were not going to lie quiet a handful. But I guess I am kinda used to it, it was also great to see my beautiful siblings. My siblings were also in a great spot. I think it was the first Christmas ever where we all had decent jobs and were in an okay place in life.

I guess after Christmas wasn’t that great. I went back to the big smoke and started working again, still sleeping at my mates house on his couch. I saw my partner like briefly over the weekends. Our lives got so complicated so fast. My mate finally turned around to me and said “that’s it, we are going to fake a break up with me and my partner and you can I can look for a place together”. I was absolutely in awe about this, I could have never asked for a better best friend them him, I mean 20+ years of knowing each other and still going strong. Just between you and me, my mother wanted me to marry him haha. Lucky for him he has been in a beautiful relationship with a gorgeous man for 7 years.

So we put in for about 3 houses together and BAM! We had a bite, it was a little ways out from the city but I had to accept it. Who knew when I would get another bite let a lone a place that allowed me to bring my beautiful dog. First night there on a blow up mattress was the best feeling in the world. I’ve done it I thought, I have finally found where I am meant to be. Little did I know that would all blow up in my face 8 Months later…

[lonleygirld]

The In Between. Part Two.

thematureapprentice / July 25, 2018 / Rewrite

So I graduated year 12, nothing really came of that. No relationship to swoo in, no high IQ or whatever they call it these days, to get into university.

After School I hung around in town a little, tried to find some work in the Coal Mines but was very unsuccessful and was really tired of just going to house party after house party after house party.

My social life was amazing, I drank, I went to pubs, I made new friends and new old friends. But I was still lonely and had nothing exciting happening with my life. I hooked up with a few guys, made out with a few girls from school. But nothing ever blossomed.

Before a mate went off to the army, we were upstairs drunk and remade a mates MYSPACE page into like Disney princess shit and changed his name and password. It was pretty funny at the time, till it was all pinned on me like. Like OKAY. I think my life in that town went extremely down hill after that. Everyone was saying I was obsessed and shit with this guy cause of doing that and everything, but like OKAY, why wasn’t I that obsessed when he went out with my little sister? Right. Anyways lost more friends that week. Glad to say my best friend to this day stuck by me and knew the truth that it wasn’t JUST me!

I then moved, went to TAFE, studied Information Technology for about 2 years before falling out of that. I lost all my passion in technology, from shit like my parents always asking to do the most basic shit like the printer needing to be reinstalled. Or like my father busting his motherboards over and over, even on $1000 computers that I built him. TO THIS DAY, I still cop shit about doing their technology based bullshit. YEAHNAH.

I moved back home and worked in mainstream Subway for a couple of months. I remember this one night I was walking home with my best friend and he FINALLY came out to me. I was so blessed that I was the first person he told. Yet so hurt that night too because he was so sad and was in a relationship with his High School girlfriend that he felt trapped in that relationship. Because It was still not that OKAY to be gay in 2008.

He ended up relocating to the city and I stayed behind in the small town, which was okay I guess he had his life and I had mine. While I was at TAFE I turned down a job in the mines because my Mum guilt tripped me into the fact that the money that was used for that education was what my Granddad left me. LIKE OKAY BUT MONEY CAN COME BACK WITH A GOOD PAYING JOB FUCK. Anyways, I would probably still be stuck in that town now if I did take that job and wouldn’t have met the people I have in my life that I do today so that’s okay.

I ended up coping shit again for that whole MYSPACE thing, like someone in that town was out to get me or was jealous of the friendship that I have with guys in my home town. Like girl we just friends, you dating them. I’d rather be doing what you’re doing with my friends  HA! Anyways I’m not butt sore at all <.< no okay totally was. I hated that everyone was hating on me for something I would never do, never had the time to do cause let’s face it I was a party girl, I was either wasted on someone lap or in a gutter living up my life right.

I had my information put on a dating site at one stage, wasn’t me that’s for sure. Cause it wasn’t going to my email address or phone number haha. But hey glad to be out there I think? The internet was such a bitch of a place back then, it still is NOW am I right!?

I think the only time that I sat on the internet so much during these early 20 years would be with gaming! I lived in the gaming world, my N64, my PS2, my XBOX, my WOW accounts loool. Never really made any friendships out of my short gaming career though so it’s not like I sat online to talk to people. Just to beat them and listen to guys whine about how high-pitched my voice was and how sad they were about losing against a girl. That was the best, beat by a girl. Like blergh.

I ended up moving to another small town but closer to the city. Did nothing for a couple of year except try hard to get into Mechanics or Engineering or WHATEVER MEN DID jobs. A lot of girls were having break through within the industry so I thought I would have another crack at it. But no luck.

This MYSPACE thing started following me too, it would freak me out. But that’s the interweb, that’s the information you choose to share online. I hated it. It made me so depressed. Like don’t even get me started on catfishing. I can’t believe that was an actual thing for people to do like it was a cool trend. I dated someone for a whole 2 years that ended up catfishing me. I found the real person though and it hit me hard I ended up attempting suicide over it.

I don’t think anyone really understands the damage something that might be a joke or so small like that can be on someone. Someone being so vulnerable and letting a complete stranger into their lives like that. UGH!

I moved on lived in the city for a year and tried my luck out there, but after the year I lost another friendship about MONEY and ended up back in a small town. I changed the way I went about things, I logged off for some good amount of years. I went back to TAFE, with my baby brother. We studied Automotive for a year. So that was cool. Especially to have the opportunity to do something like that with a sibling, it was a great experience and I would do it again. I still couldn’t get work within that industry and it was now 2014 so that was harsh. Years went by and will bring me up to the “now”, which I shall blog about in separate posts.

[lonleygirld]

The Sexuality.

thematureapprentice / August 12, 2018 / Rewrite

To be honest, I am one of those people who are not really into labels. Big surprise right, but shocker, I would love a label. Hell I don’t even have a proper nickname haha.

Sexuality was a tough one for me, I had a very weird up bringing. In one way or another I was slightly sexually active at the age of like 10. To be honest I don’t really want to get into that story it’s embarrassing and I don’t know, makes me come of as a creep I guess lol.

Anyways I then once got to the appropriate age of being sexually active and all of a sudden I just wasn’t into it. I never really wanted nor had a partner through high school, 1 if we want to count it. Never had any little childhood imaginary wedding or relationship with my mum friends children like in the movies or books.

I had my attractions to same-sex as well as the opposite sex. Had my casual hook ups, especially after I turned 18 and the drinking genre come into play.

As for sex, that came at a later age for me then most my friends and even family. But you know what, I was okay with that. It wasn’t anything fancy, it wasn’t with anyone I even had a connection with. Or to come to think about it, with someone who’s name I knew. To be honest I’m okay with that, I don’t think I will ever have that sexual connection with anyone ever.

I honestly have come to the conclusion that I would end up alone haha, I mean I’m 30 and in my group of friends and even my family. I am the single one, always have been. Even when I was with someone recently for 2 years, I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship half the time. Just that I had a companion to do things with. Which I was okay with also.

A-Sexual, is my main label, that I gave myself. It’s the only one that I have bothered to look into and makes me feel like “yup that could be me”. Haha so that’s that. But I mean I guess, in terms of other labels you could consider me Bi-Sexual? Pan-Sexual? Poly? hahaha OMG I should google more.

No but seriously, how does one feel happy with sexuality, or being sexual. Is this one of those I need to love myself first problems. I don’t, don’t think I ever could lol. I used too. But then I guess something changed that and I’ve just been looking for it back ever since.

I have once when I was younger thought that maybe I was just born the wrong sex and that’s why I can’t find someone that I am sexually attracted to or have a connection with. I then realised that is not who I am, I am certain that I am happy and want to be female, but am unsure of who or what I may be sexually attracted too. But then maybe that person has crossed my path in a way and I just haven’t been given the chance, or someone has destroyed any chance I had with that person, etc.

I ramble on when I type, I guess it’s also because I haven’t had anyone really to talk to lately.

I’ll keep holding on to the fact that maybe there is someone out there that would understand me, that would want me, that would find me attractive and make me feel that way about myself too. Someone that I can do lame and boring things with like puzzles or tea shopping. Or someone who also would like to step out sometimes and do controlled crazy things that we could lose ourselves but find ourselves and each other in.

I know I’m not a bad person and I know I can surprise people. I just wish someone was willing to give me that chance like I am willing to give.

Someone that can make me feel sexual and make it have meaning. Isn’t that what we all want....

[lonleygirld]

The Depression.

thematureapprentice / August 7, 2018 / Rewrite

Depression, I don’t think you could walk down the streets now a days and not walk past some poor soul that is suffering from depression or any mental issue really and have an idea.

Now I don’t see myself any better or important than the next person and I know my problems are not anything like the much bigger ones out there. But they are my problems, they do cause my life trouble and it is damaging my inner person.

My depression has been kept well hidden and well out of sight for quiet some time now, but up until about 28 days ago, I don’t think I’ve felt this bad in about 10 years. I have never openly talked about my feelings to anyone, nor have I ever had professional help.

After getting back my ultrasound results that week, I consulted my GP to see if it would be best if I were to go on medication or seek someone to talk to. So he suggested a therapist first and depending on how that goes, next would be medication. I have never been on any sort of medication so I ain’t too sure how I feel about that. Once I was put on a waiting list and still am, to be able to talk to a therapist I felt a little free and finally turned to my best friend and told him that I was depressed.

Nothing really came out of it and I guess I really did expect a little more, like sit me down and talk to me about whats going on with me. I mean I have been there for him through quiet a lot, but then I guess we both have been there for each other, we have been friends for 20 years. I don’t know.

I did tell him about the incident and the cops and a little bit more, he couldn’t believe it to be honest. I guess neither can I still. I don’t know, I’m still struggling with everything, I fought so long and so hard to be in the position that I am now. But today I just feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago, I don’t know if this is for me anymore, I’m back to drinking every weekend away, to being spontaneous and stupid or brave which ever.

I have cried every night, cried myself to sleep, if I’ve slept. If not then I’m at work for 9 to 10 hours, but awake for 24. I mean what I’m doing feels comfortable, makes me feel like I’m alive, makes me feel like I am truly living. But then I feel so empty, so used, abused, lied to, broken, like my life doesn’t mean anything anymore.

I  honestly don’t know if I’m going to wake up tomorrow and I feel that way everyday the past 28 days.

I will get to everything in due time and my blog will fill out more with pictures and art once…. once I catch up to my NOW.

Until then, you do you xx.

[lonleygirld]

The Relationships.

thematureapprentice / July 30, 2018 / Rewrite

I guess everyone wants a relationship in some form with someone or anyone or thing in one life time or another. But for me we shall start with…

My Dad. I could never please my dad, he always expected way to much from me. We would always bite each others head off on nearly everything because we just would never see eye to eye. I am very fortunate regardless of those facts. He at one stage in my life wanted to help me out when the mining towns were booming. He got a loan put it all in my name and built me my first house. A lot of people could not say that their father has done anything like that for them. Unfortunately the boom died the house is barely making market and he has got himself in more debt than he can handle. I guess if I was a better daughter at the time when it was booming and didn’t sneak off to the city and live there for a year on the money the house was making. He wouldn’t be in such a pickle. But then again, it’s not entirely my fault and to this day I have nothing to do with it at all. We still don’t see eye to eye but over the last couple of months I no longer care, I’m just trying to finally live my life and get by.

My Mum. She is a beautiful lady and most of my friends love her. She had a really tough upbringing in her third world country that I try not to make things too hard for her. But I feel over the past 3 years she has gotten a little out of control and demands money from everyone in the family like it’s falling off trees. I think she raised me right, harsh but right. But even though I am forever scared by her methods and the world that I was brought up in, I can be the bigger person and understand she didn’t know any better and that was how she was raised. Some times I miss her, till she’s in my face and wants to go shopping, then I’m just like oh HELL NO haha.

My little sister. We were never close growing up, I guess I always envied that she was skinnier than I was. But other than that she was just much more a free spirit and had no dramas at all being in the top popular crowds and having nearly all the guys wanting her, even my closest guy friends, which I’m not going to lie, sucked! Half the time I just felt used so they could get close to her, but I know that’s noy what she wanted. I feel like she may have hated me for being in my shadow at school and being always known as my little sister. But we have gotten closer over the years and I adore her more than ever, I am proud of who she has become and the relationship she has been able to achieve with her partner.

My brother. When my parents decided my brother was a decent age they thought they would travel more. I felt like I took him under my wing and raised the kid myself, so it’s safe to say that we’ve always been close. He is a great looking sensitive guy and I’m absolutely proud of the man he has become and the position he is at in life at the moment. Although he is suffering depression, I’m even more proud that he asked for help instead of bottling it all up. I mention that because this small mining town he is living in has had at least 1 suicide every 3 years from men his age. It’s hard on all of us, because it is a small community and even if you left it you still knew or grew up or know of that person. I wish he would leave the town but for now it is where he wants to be and he is getting paid generously.

My adopted cousins. We no longer have communication with them. After all my family did, put them in High School, fed, clothed, their own bedrooms, a house and the opportunity to earn for a better life. They both decided to screw over my dad with a lot of things and mainly money, so I guess my cousins felt like it was the right thing to not only cut of my parents from their lives but my siblings and I as well. Last I heard karma caught up with them in more ways than one.

My friends. Are always a hit and a miss, it’s hard for me to make friends. But when I am friends with someone except me to stick around for life. My longest friendship is going on 20+ years and I honestly wouldn’t know if I ever were to lose him as a friend. My other friendships are clouded by distance really, I don’t get to see them as much as I would like to, which also makes me not really not keep in contact either. I mean I found out my friends of 10ish years separated this year, when I would not know, but like the fact I wasn’t there for them for that, when I’ve already been through so much already with them. Kinda sucks, but there are times when I kinda felt left out by them as well. I’m a very soft heart person, my heart is on the edge of my sleeve every time I invest myself into someone no matter what the relationship. Which is a very bad quality for me, but I mean at least they know what they’re in for from the get go.

I had one more relationship to add to this, but I honestly think it deserves its own blog.

[lonleygirld]

The In Between. Part One.

thematureapprentice / July 24, 2018 / Rewrite

Yes I know this blog sounds a little like “Stranger Things”, but it’s that simple. This will be the recap on the between, “The Pubescent” to I guess the “now”.

Between year 7 and year 8, My parents decided they would better some other peoples lives and adopt my cousins from overseas to have an opportunity at a better life here. I admire them to this day for that choice, it’s something I hope I can give to someone one day, but it unfortunately backfired on them near the end.

Let’s get into High School. Fuck me sideways what a waste of 4 years that was. If I knew better then I would have just quit school and worked my life away to be in a better position then I am right now.

Again my socialising skills were just as much the same throughout High School, the drifter, floater, lone wolf. I would spend a week sitting at one group of people while talking and sitting with others during classes. I liked it this way, it made sitting with others during classes. I liked it this way, it made me feel like I fit in with everyone, but I guess that wasn’t really true.

Teachers put me down just as much as students did. I really enjoyed some of my studies but never really put my heart into it, I would say I’m kicking myself on not going further with Japanese and Graphics, maybe even Chemistry. I was good at it, but I guess just didn’t want to push myself and let myself down and not have anything my parents could be more disappointed in, even though they never really supported me?. My art Teacher told me I suck at art, because it wasn’t I guess pretty and neat and relevant. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Art is literally in the eye of the beholder, you can not say any art is not art, art is mother fucking art. Yeah okay, I’m mad yet again and I guess it doesn’t really matter. Because to this day I enjoy doing some sketch work here and there, which I hope to share through my blog. Whether it be art or not that does not matter, it’s not like I want to be famous for it. It’s just something I know I’m good at and enjoy doing when I’m down or lonely.

Girls got way to bitchy and stuck up through the years in High School, it was always who was dating the hottest, who is the hottest, who was dating the older popular guy. Like really if you “Popular” kids look back on that now, was that worth everything, was it so fucking important that you had to almost throw your “friends” under the bus for. I grew up in a small town and lets face it almost everyone was everyone’s sloppy seconds.

I think I was in year 9 before I got my first boyfriend, it was a secret, My siblings and I weren’t allowed to date till we “graduated”. He was cute, tall, into basketball, it was cute I guess. To be frank I wasn’t really into the whole relationship thing, having to sit with them on lunches and go meet up just to hang and what not. I remember one night we went out got drunk and we were on the ground out the front of public toilets with me straddling his lap and he was like “let’s fuck right here you’ll be my first”, so fucking flattering lol. We did not, I got up and went to be wild with the group instead haha, leave them wanting more right. One day we just stopped dating, no one really broke up with anyone. This guy is now married with a child, buddy you’re still dating me HOW DARE YOU?! :P

I think another milestone for me not trusting men and being who I am was around age 15. My cousin had his mate over, both around 20 years old. They were under our high set house drinking and playing games. I had to run outside and grab some clothes off the line. I was 15 care free and honestly wearing a sports bra and shorts around the house is not  BAD, even with guests or visitors over. So I did my thing and started to head back upstairs, but on my way up the stairs this guy calls me over. I asked him why and he replied with he just wanted to talk, 15-year-old me didn’t see any harm in that. So I sat on the stair and he sat next to me and started asking question. “How old are you?”, “How’s school?”, I didn’t think much of it so I entertained the idea and answered his question. At some moment he decided it was okay to reach over and place his hands on my breast, I simply froze. I did not know what to do at this stage, then suddenly he was leaning in to kiss me. Right then and there I refused and he tried again with more force, but I shoved him, stood up and went back inside.

That night I crawled into bed and could just hear my cousin and his mate laughing under or close too my bedroom. I was scared and slightly paralysed, my mind forcing scenario after scenario. What if he came upstairs when everyone fell asleep?. What if I fall asleep?. All the what if’s a creative 15 years old could think of. I stayed up all night that night. He went home and nothing came of it. I never said a word to my cousin till this day, I think I may have mentioned this to two people my entire life so far. I now guess I share it all with the interweb too.

Year 10 this girl moved to town and we were pretty close, we were friends till I wrote her a letter probably 8 months of hanging out, that I thought she was beautiful. From then on I was the “FAT DYKE” at school. Such a great label, but I was still talking and hanging out with everyone. I lost some friends here and there over the years but eh I can tell you one friend I lost, I crossed paths with at a LGBTQ Club and she pashed me…… GROSS. I say that in the way that I did not want that to happen nor did I like this person or find them remotely attractive, but glad she got that out of her system? Oh lord the flash backs, she had a lip sore too! HAHA okay stop.

Through out High School I was out most nights drinking, smoking, trying weed. My parents didn’t really seem to care till it was my younger siblings doing the same thing. I would sneak out and go to adult houses with friends, they would feed us alcohol and whatever else. Pretty sure one of my friends were sleeping with one of them now that I come to think about it. I didn’t really care what they did to be honest, it was their life choice just like it was mine to join in on the drinking.

My grades dropped dramatically through my Senior years. I dropped out of so many classes and changed them to simpler ones. Even with the easier classes I just ended up passing High School. I wanted to go into Uni at one point in my life, I wanted to be an Archaeologist, boy that would have been a dream. I’ve always wanted to invent or discover something in my life, I don’t think that will ever happen now.

In year 10 I took a big leap for woman in my town, this was 2003. Woman working in the man’s industry was still not okayish. I did a weeks work experience as a Mechanic. When I first applied for this to be my weeks experience I got all kinds of questions like, “why do you want to do that”, “blah blah would be much better for you”. What kind of shit is that! Let a kid dream and be who they want to be, fuck.

This lady that I saved my first kitten from (she had to get rid of them or her husband was going to drown them), gave me free steel cap work boots because she was all like “yeah woman power, you go girl”, when I told her what I was doing. The workshop was near her store so I went in on my lunch breaks to play with her cat and hang out and tell her all the things I was doing (cleaning) lol.

I think year 10 was the biggest year, I feel like so much happened that year than any other one. The more I think about it, there just so much that was life changing. Like I lost a lot of girl friends, because of my “fat dyke” era. My best guy friend started dating a girl which ended up being a 8 year relationship. My father had a heart attack and survived thank god. My little sister told me she wanted me out of her life from stopping her from hooking up with a guy over 18 years of age. So many mile stones and I still feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I know I met my first huge crush in year 10 and kept it to myself for years, never said anything about it. Even when he dated my little sister. All my guy friends wanted my little sister, I don’t blame them, she is beautiful and skinny and everything society would label as what a woman should be like.

To be continued…

[lonleygirld]

The Pubescent. (The Start)

thematureapprentice / July 23, 2018 / Rewrite There’s usually only two places to start, the now or the where it all began.... I guess I chose the beginning. But where does the beginning actually start for me? The end of Elementary? High School? The in between or am I only just beginning?

I think I got a little carried away there, it’s not really my point in this blog. But the more I read it over the more I think it’s true and this is me trying not to hide anymore.

Let’s get back on track.

Now I’m not saying I’m more important than others because of the things I’ve been through. In fact I know I am lucky to be where I am as so many are less fortunate and have had it so much worse. My pubescent years were a drag, being a short half Asian child had expectations enough. Expectations to excel in so much just because of your ethnicity, be great at maths the common Asian default, be social because of your multiculturalism and to become something within your family, something high like a Doctor or a Dentist anything with that Dr. stamp really.

Primary School was okay, it wasn’t the best but it was bearable. Year 7, when you know girls start to get their menstruation and grow breasts was a joke. Having to worry that you’ll have one of those ever coincidental accidents or have a guy finally feel you up because you are a “Woman”. I wouldn’t say I was popular, I wouldn’t say I was unpopular either, but man the 90′s had some harsh shit on what a girl should really look like. I wasn’t pretty enough to date in Primary School, not that I was really bothered by that. I mean I was still a kid, I was happy being a little geek collecting my Tazos and Pokemon cards and playing Video Games on my PC or Game Boy or any of those retro consoles they call these days.

But I did try to socially fit in, date someone, be popular, excel in studies. I must admit that kind of pressure on a child is exactly what it is, A JOKE. Kids should be enjoying themselves, living their childhood, working out who they truly are. Not forced into things, like so many are still being pushed to do, not being handed shit like so many spoilt brats are being given iPhone and shit these days. Now that’s even more of a JOKE. How do you expect your children to appreciate the milestones in life when they’re 10 years old an onto there 6th $1000 mobile phone because it’s not the popular one.

Puberty was not kind to me, I was always a chubby child. But I got chubbier with maturity. It didn’t slow me down and I was very active, I played sports and instruments and even did Ballet at one stage. But my size was not ideal for the common child and or males in general, they were not interested in me. Kids called me names even if I was better than them in maths or sports or games. No matter how much I made my talents grow, it didn’t make me wanted by the opposite sex. I had some friends, one that still is to this day. But as any childhood friendship goes, they come and they go, they have little hissy fit about something and hate you for a lifetime or they just didn’t understand the change.

I think the one thing that people liked about me but also were intimidated about was the fact that I never followed the trends or crowds. I created my own worlds, I created my own trends, I did things that felt comfortable to me and that’s all I cared about. I was part of the popular kinds group but I also enjoyed having meaningful and intellectual conversations with the geeks. In some ways I guess I’ve always been a “lone wolf”.

My parents, Mother a Teacher in her younger years, Father a coal mine worker in a small town. His job meant we were in the “rich” part of the towns society, but my clothes and accessories said different. My Mum being a former Teacher, continuing to force me to do good in school, to get high grades, to become a Doctor. But that was nothing I ever wanted to become, one main reason would be, I can not handle the sight of blood, which I guess I got from my Dad.

I grew up with a lot of guys, my family majority was guys, cousins, uncles, family friends children. I wanted to do anything they could and were allowed to do, which in my early adult hood was still just as unapproachable. Girls are always told, we could not do that, that’s for boys or that’s what boys did. Bullshit to that to this day! We are all equal, gender, race, etc. We all bleed the same shitty red blood and I knew that from the day I was able to. Just because you have a Penis does not mean you can do something better or deserved to be paid more than someone who simply does not.

I remember having tough times in Primary School, but not enough to get into detail. I know I felt like such a outcast, like I was built for this era. I had nights where I would sit out in the back yard alone or climbing up into a tree and just constantly looking up to the stars. I always wondered if there was someone out there like me, to this day.

My parents as much as they wanted me to contribute and be social and do outdoor activities, never really supported me when I did. I played piano from a young age, my Teacher said I would never get far because my fingers were to short and stubby. My parents never really pushed me to stick to it. I played Hockey most of my primary years, I had a really close friend that played with me at the time too. I enjoyed it a lot. But it did crush me when we had our ceremonies at the end of the season and neither of my parents were there to support me and watch me get my trophies or achievements. I did have some small support from family friends but only because their child too played the sport.

This brought up a lot of commitment issues for me in my adult years, I could never commit to a sport or talent because no one was there to support my through it as a child. It’s amazing how something so little to me now had such an impact on the way I would turn out. My self-esteem is the lowest because of my bullies and I could never share how I feel because it was not something my house hold did.

[lonleygirld]

Last Work Day 2018.

thematureapprentice / December 20th, 2018

Tomorrow shall be the last day for 2018. What a crazy year it has been.

I have literally been loving the past couple of months besides a couple of feels and how I still see myself. Other than that it's been eventful, full of love and creativity, letting myself step out of my comfort zone A LOT! and I couldn't be happier with how I have dealt with some crazy shit.

The past week I have been emptying out my house on the hopes of possibly moving next year which is super exciting and really needs to happen. I just live way to far from work and from my little support team.

I picked up a new second hand couch today which really needed to happen. My beautiful girls have already stole it though. . . .

I have made a shelf in my TV unit which looks so much neater now. 😍

Tomorrow I have one or two more things to make for my guitar stand and a shoe rack for my hallway stand. I shall upload them tomorrow 🤞. I have also made some really cute plant holders, which I'll share once I get some gorgeous plants in them!!

Other than that works been pretty boring and I wish they would let me just clean my bench!! Everyone else has had the chance too but myself, which is poop.

So one day and two sleeps till I'm at my parents and with my little loves for a couple of days before coming back home for Christmas. So excited, I should probably get a couple small decorations tomorrow to make my house feel a little more Christmasy.

I'm excited for my tattoo with my little loves next week 😍 but also am craving so many more to be done, whhhhiiiiicccccchhhh will happen cause you know what. Next year is going to be stepping up a notch with my routine and my goals. ALSO JAPAN IN 2020 is on the cards which is I can't even. My life 👌 but could always have that little more you know haha.

Still looking for someone to go on adventures with if anyones keen haha 😂😈. *Queue advertisement*. . . . lonely girl d, is on the prowl for someone that is ready to explore outside of their comfort zone or skin and try and see new things but also someone to chill on the couch with playing weird puzzle/mind fucking/rhythm games. Must like, Cats, Dogs, 4WDs, Motorbikes and random adventures that make no sence. Oh and having a gay old time shopping and learning girly things with me HA.

Okay thats enough, gotta tame all this HA.

Crazy how in 2.5 years I'll have a qualified trade be on close to 40 an hour working less hours and living where ever the fuck in the world I would like too. I might be old but my life's just beginning again and I'm gonna do it right this time. 😍

Peace bitches xx.

Hoping that your week has been productive and creative and full of truth and honesty and love and spontaneity. 💜

[lonleygirld]

FML.

thematureapprentice / December 2nd, 2018

So my good weekend just died and I should be crawling into bed right now because I would LIKE to start at 5AM on Monday to make up for the hour I’m going to miss due to leaving early for therapy.

I looked at my FB messenger this afternoon. Now I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted the Facebook app. To which this day I still have not logged back in, but do use messenger WHEN AND ONLY WHEN people message me first.

But this afternoon I opened my messenger to see a message request from my Aunty over seas. My family does not talk to this family much because of personal things that have happened over the years. But she sent me some pictures of my Lola (Grandma). My heart absolutely aches.

Apparently she has sent these pictures and a picture of a bill to so many of my Aussie relatives. No message just pictures until someone responds to which then she tells you why she sent them. My Lola had a fall or slip and banged her head and looks like had an operation today on her leg.

Bless her soul she is so old, she has bad hips and arthritis. Now the reason for these picture messages with no captions or text, is because they want all of us to help with the bill. WHICH is understandable who wouldn’t want to help! I want to help and in my own personal opinion and one I did not share with my Mum while I was on the phone to her moments ago.... is that is your mum and you and your sister are acting like someone else children. It’s disgusting! HELP ya damn mum regardless of who and how this person is getting the message across.

I’m almost debating of just withdrawing my cruise savings for my mates wedding next year and handing to my Mum and being like HERE BITCH PAY THE BILL NOW! I’m not any better off than they are, yes I have better opportunities living in a some what better country than them. But I am not wealthy and I work my ass off just to pay my rent and live pay check to pay check. So that in 3 years time I can have a better financial pay and job and live where I want to and travel the world more.

Regardless of everything, she is my Lola and I want to help as much as I can. She is going to have such a sad Birthday and Christmas this year being in a leg cast or whatever and bed ridden after being bed ridden for the past 3 months. I just want to move the old girl into my spare bedroom honestly, bring her the fuck here and I’ll look after the cute precious thing. UGH.

Life sucks man, you have something good going but there is always something to bring you down or make you feel like shit about where you are in your own life. Makes you think about the choices you made when you were younger and how if you did just that one little thing differently you would have been better off years ago and would have been in a better situation to help her now.

But you can’t know these things I guess and you can only try to be the best you you can be. Your hearts in the right place and you will try to do the best you can for yourself and your family. I hope she is okay and she is wearing her cute smile. I hope she knows in her heart that her children and children's children love her and miss her. Fuck Ima cry. I hope she stays good and well till I get to finally see her again for her Birthday at the end of next year.

Makes me think about how my Therapist said I am one of those people that are constantly doing nice things for people to only end up disappointed and hurt. WHY, why is that even an option on how to feel after doing something kind. Why is it that that happens to me, why can’t I just do a nice thing and have something nice happen to me in return. Like what did I do to anyone to deserve being shit on. I know this isn’t really about me, but like fuck man.

Why is everything is this sick sad world (this is my life lalalalala, thanks Daria) about money. I can’t wait to live off grid. All this shitty ass technology, branding, labeling, false advertising etc etc. Why can’t we all just be truthful, all just live how we want to live, all be our true selves, appreciate and enjoy mother nature and just love each other. Why is this so fucking hard for the human kind.

I’m a good fucking person OKAY, I don’t need my head filled with self doubt and loathing. I don’t need y’all to tell me I’m not beautiful or caring or truthful or not who I am.... Cause I have not lived a second of my day being nothing but that, half of it may have been in secret to others around me. But never to myself and never to anyone I love.

GOOD-FUCKING-NIGHT xx.

[lonleygirld]

Bullies....

thematureapprentice / November 28th, 2018

Are the men we work with bullies, or just guys treating everyone like trash as a joke like men do?

Today I pulled my toolbox out of the spray booth. Some point after morning tea a 2IC came up to my bench and kicked it while my bosses were talking to me about my job. I was heart broken by this....

I spent nearly a month and so much unpaid over time not getting home till 7pm fixing up this busted down toolbox to call my own because I can't afford a new one. Here come mister "pink is gay" from a previous post of mine and just randomly kicks it.

This didn't really do anything to it except it now has a black smudge from his boots on it. But like who does that, who just comes up and kicks someones shit like that. What if I went to his bench and threw something he owned on the ground does that mean I'm just "playing" or "mucking around" as he would call it.

I though this guy was decent just maybe a week ago when he was acting very greatful and what not for me and the others for staying back 3.5 hours to get a job done so his team could get it out on time. But no I just went straight back to thinking he is a old homophobic bully.

I get friendly banter, I get digging at each others mistakes to take the piss out of it. I do this every day with my team. But to just walk up and kick someones property, would be where I draw a line.

So, he walked up kicked my hard work and I just look at him and say, "You are an absolute dick head". He replies with, "What, why". I told him how I spent 4 hours just painting that tool box and that's just painting it, lets not even add the hours of sanding and pannel beating to get everything straight and looking nice.

He decides to reply with "Looks a bit rough, couldn't you do any better", I get that this was a joke I guess but I bit back with, "Just like your face eh". Now like I told cutie at lunch this guy looks like an old grumpy garden gnome, legit if you saw him it's the best description ever. He responded with, "I'm sorry I couldn't hear that". To which I responded, "That's a shame considering the size of your ears".

Now my bosses thought this was hilarious and laughed at him, but I guess the old gnome got a little butt sore and decided to walk away while pulling my toolbox behind him. He took it all the way to his department and I just carried on with my work. Did he expect me to chase him like a little sad child to get my belongings back? Or be just as butt sore that he took it.

I honestly didn't care, if he wanted to be that jerk he was doing that to himself. Sure my pride in my work fell and I didn't want to be at work anymore. But is that because I'm soft and can't cut it in a "Man's industry". Or just because I really care about the things I put my effort and time into and people are just ass holes and really shouldn't have a job that allows them to interact with other employees.

Now cutie wants me to file a complaint, because she sees it as bullying and something similar but not so similar happened to her before I started there. Literally disgusted about how work dealt with her thing. But anyways....

I don't know, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. Because he came over to my bench after lunch and grabbed the handle of my toolbox and wiggled it around as he said, "Do you know why I put it over there?". I had so much anxiety building up from this I could have had a break down at work. I just I'm so tired, I do so much, I don't deserve this petty childish bullshit. I'm not a child despite being an Apprentice, doesn't mean you can treat me like one. I told him that I did not care, and he proceeded to come closer and lean on my bench right next to me. He asked what was wrong if I was upset cause he was playing/mucking around with me. I just kept doing what I was doing, didn't look at him and said. "Dude just go away, I don't want to talk to you", he asked me why again and I just ignored him. I was about to either slap him or just go walk to my car. This ass hole actually got into a fight last friday like, dude pull ya head in okay. If someone tells you they don't like being addressed to as "OI" then maybe you should just accept that and leave it be, instead of acting like a child about it and getting into a play school fight. Man IDEK.

So yeah that happened today, I didn't want to stay back at work today to finish it. I lost my creative spirit and motivation to give a fuck.

In fact, I came home cried simply because I am just so exhausted and under appreciated and fell asleep in my recliner for about 2 hrs. Now I guess I'm finally gonna go have a shower, maybe cry a little more, hopefully fall asleep and I guess deal with work tomorrow.

Was thinking bout messaging one of these guys on snapchat from tinder, but honestly. I don't want to be that person right now. I know I need someone, but I got me. I don't know why I share half the shit I do on here. I feel like it helps at times, but then I feel like it's a waste of time. No one reads these, no one cares. Maybe I should just stop and keep shit bottled up like I did before him, before my life kicked me in the guts, before the cops and before knowing everything. Maybe I'll look back and read all this shit and think, D you have serious issues girl, you're such a loser. Ha I already think that 💜.

My last therapy session for the year is on Monday and that couldn't come soon enough.

Bye I guess xx.