#wishing actual healing for the narcissists

[vizthedatum]

A lot of my friends and I battle this: wondering if we’re too much for those we love. Wondering if our struggles, anxieties, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and flaws will be too much to bear… and eventually push them away from us.

What if we are just fine where we are? Even with all those things?

And! What if, regardless of the distance between us and those we love, the distance is more correlated with two factors: our alignment to ourselves and our abilities to connect? Where we don’t place moral judgment on who we are… and who they are.

It might be a lofty goal to internalize and accept, but I think it will be worth it for me, personally, to get to that place of peace.

And of course, it’s normal to feel whatever you’re feeling (disappointment, hurt, anger, frustration, etc.) when you feel rejected or left behind. (Or abused.)

It’s normal to leave a connection or talk about your experiences, if you don’t feel aligned.

But it’s important, I think, to always keep coming back to yourself - to do that work on yourself, whatever that may be, for yourself. To always know your inherent worth, even if you think you’re the most monstrous person alive. (And this is true for my abusers as well - I sincerely hope that they can tap into their inherent worth, separate from however I might feel about them.)

[ink-asunder]

Honestly, the way everyone talks about narcissists online is like actually evil. Like as a narcissist, I'm not allowed to even experience discomfort without it being moralized. You wouldn't tell a person with depression that they're "part of the problem," even if it's a universal truth that in order to heal from trauma or mental illness, you need to have your own independent want to get better. And that's not about being a good or bad person. It's about autonomy. Personal autonomy is VITAL for mental health and wellness, and if you didn't have an autonomous drive to engage with treatment, then you're just being forced into another situation you have no control over because you feel pressure from others to do so.

Idk, I just wish I could FIND FUCKING HELP for my issues instead of people waxing on for two paragraphs about how I need to seek therapy but since I'm a narcissist, I probably won't, or I'll be resistant, or I need to be willing to be vulnerable in therapy in order for it to work. Like. Obviously. That's an obvious truth for anyone with any condition seeking therapy. Why are you wasting both of our time mansplaining the nature of therapy to me.

I feel like I try to seek help and people give me a bigotry sandwich, and if I eat it down, then I'm one of the Good Ones deserving of help (or I just straight up don't have npd and therefore am not experiencing the problems that I am experiencing). But the second I express feeling hurt or disrespected or, hell, like you're not even being NICE to me, then I'm beyond help. I'm one of the bad ones--I'm beyond help until I submit and relinquish my autonomy.

Like, people KNOW that narcissists can kill themselves from crashes making them so miserable, but everywhere I turn seems hellbent on foundering that misery, whether intentional or not.

[cottoncandylesbo]

max was a funny story, actually. max was a dog my parents got for me as a kid, adopted from the shelter the day he was scheduled to be euthanized. he was scraggly, skinny, and hairless due to mange. but he and i formed a close bond in a time my life was in shambles. we both healed each other.

he was with me for about eight or so years. but my mother was a narcissist, and i wasn't good enough for her. one day, I got home from school, and he was gone. "a punishment," she said, "for the low grades."

i was devastated. I didn't know where he was, IF he was even alive any more at all. for all I knew she could have had him put down.

flash forward about six years. i get a call and an email. his chip was found. holy shit. what? this dog i had already loved and mourned, still alive?

i rush to pick him up, and that's where y'all started hearing about him, more or less.

and now... that's it. i got four months with him. four short, short months to see my baby again. that's it. it's over. I didn't even have time to say goodbye, or even hello. I loved the shit out of this dog. i just wish he wasn't taken from me again so soon.

i miss you max. i miss you so much.

[im-out-of-it]

part two of season two, episode five “dust and shadows” LEAVE ALEC ALONE

27. rude skipping over mags

28. Magnus isn’t afraid of his powers, he just doesn’t want to be involved in necromancy iris

29. I know iris and madzie are made up but I honestly love the show for creating madzie. she’s so adorable and it’s sweet that Magnus and Alec and Catarina are guiding her and raising her. I’m not a fan of book Malec raising kids and here’s why

30. CC is behind it. even tries to have Alec’s kids like jace more than alec. I don’t like how she handles Malec being parents. you cant trust her to be in charge of anything because she will overshadow it with Jace. so yes the show did it so much better and I would have loved to see Malec being parents on the show more

31. awwww it’s madzie

32. okay I couldn’t find the right gif and I’ll use that one again but it’s madzie!!!!!!!

33. Clary needs to learn how to ask probing questions before she agrees to stuff she doesn’t know about smh

34. looks like Simon missed his mama

35. to be fair, that’s just Simon ✨ it’s called I’m dead mom

36. Aldertree: yeah bitch I’m replaceable but that mortal sword isn’t

37. well, I get what aldertree is saying here. Valentine has a moral instrument thanks to jace and who knows what his next plan is and it’s not going to be good. not like the clave actually cares about downworlders but Valentine + mortal instrument = bad things happening (especially if by now they know about his desire to seek a wish)

38. jace thought saving aldertree was more important than a mortal instrument so he made a split decision even if it were a bad one

39. shadowhunters whole thing is dying for the clave

40. “a soldier without discipline is poison to his entire squad” aldertree. hey isn’t that what I have been saying? he must be reading my mind

41. jace can’t follow orders or listen. it’s always what he wants to do and how things make him feel. he’s a self centered narcissist dick who can’t make sensible choices. he never thinks things through hence why Izzy was almost deruned and Alec almost died

42. I don’t think jace or clary have a brain

43. he’s banned from duty not because of his atrocities against downworlders but because he said hey I don’t support the clave and I saved aldertree. shows what the clave cares more about

44. MALEC MOMENT ✨🥹 I love how Alec just lets himself in because he feels safe at Magnus’s and here’s a preview of season three: ALEC COMES WITH THE PLACE OK MAGNUS’S LOFT + ALEC = A PACKAGE DEAL

45. okay back to Malec (I love how concerned Magnus is)

46. Magnus: is that the love of my life?

47. it makes me so sad to see how Alec is processing this but I’m glad he gets to process it

48. here’s the whole video of their conversation:

49. it honestly doesn’t get talked about how Alec will self harm when he’s dealing with something extreme. Alec is punishing himself by not using healing runes after shooting a million arrows into the sky. Alec has such a big heart and he’s blaming himself for so much of this even if it wasn’t his fault. he didn’t mean to let a demon in and he didn’t mean to kill Jocelyn but he did that. in his way, avoiding the institute, shooting a trillion arrows, and not bothering to heal himself- in a way, he feels as though he deserves that. it’s really sad all in all and I do wish this scene was a bit longer but I’m still happy we ended up getting it- but also here are some Alec/malec moments that are somehow happier:

and I’m stopping at 50 and sorry this one took me a while. ITS BEEN A DAY but I’ll post another one shortly

[silverynight]

What if the Hashira (going to see their favorite sunshine) overhear Tanjirou talking about a group of people?

"He's so loud and has no concept of personal space! His hair is stupid to look at as well."

"He actually has the NERVE to call himself GOD! What a pretentious prick! Wish I could shut that narcissist up! Aren't ninjas supposed to be quiet?"

"The fact that she walks around dressed like that is shameful! She'd be better off in the red light district!"

"He's like a wild animal! So feral and has a horrible personality! No one wants such a rotten guy like him around."

"He's so gloomy and depressing. Would it kill him to smile??"

"It's creepy how he hangs around that pink haired skank. And what is with the mask and snake? What is he hiding?? His bad breath?"

"He's always crying and praying, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!"

"If it wasn't for her medicines and healing estate, she wouldn't be needed. A Hashira who can't decapitate a demon? That's about as useful a sword made of paper Mache."

"That kid can't focus ON ANYTHING. Does he have a brain in that head of his? No, it's probably filled with the rocks he constantly throws around that he should choke on."

The Hashira are horrified! They didn't think Tanjirou could say such hurtful things about them like that! Is that REALLY what he feels about them? It can't be true!

Little did they know, Tanjirou was actually furiously ranting and mocking what he heard some slayers say about the Pillars. He tore into them before stomping away.

Fortunately, they all stick around long enough to hear the rest: "Can you believe them, Zenitsu? Saying those awful things about the hashira? How dare they!" He puffs his cheeks out, looking really pissed. However, after a couple of seconds he starts tearing up: "After all they do to protect us? The Pillars are great and precious and deserve nothing but the best–"

Zenitsu moves out of the way just in time for a group of very happy and besotted hashira rush towards Tanjirou and start hugging him and kissing him all over the face.

[boyczar]

I am very sick of the notion that codependents are empathetic people. Codependents are extremely narcissistic in terms of their goals and behaviors. (Narcissistic, not saying they all have NPD, though some of them certainly do.) You are not an “empath”. You are not even in touch with your own feelings, you are simply hyper-vigilant, and often times your fight, flight, freeze, and especially fawn responses, are extremely off-putting and uncomfortable to even a slightly more well-adjusted person. I believe codependents and even Cluster B’s are capable of (total, not impaired) empathy, but only after reversing toxic patterns of relationship behavior. This, however, is in no way their FAULT. I would not say that being codependent or someone with any Cluster B personality disorder (who all have narcissistic traits) is in any way that person’s FAULT. But it unfortunately is their responsibility now. I do not view this relational style (of codependency or narcissistic) as unfixable or irreversible. I would argue that every single person who is codependent or has a Cluster B PD one hundred percent has C-PTSD. (There are people with C-PTSD who have done more healing work and do not fall into these categories but that’s not who I’m talking about.) If you are codependent or are in Cluster B, you have sustained significant trauma, most likely from your parents, and you now have a warped idea of healthy and acceptable communication. You most likely have sustained a thousand little cuts from them while growing up. Being belittled, shamed, degraded, devalued, discarded, threatened, ignored, neglected, silenced, and deemed completely unworthy of genuine love. That is unacceptable and even unforgivable in some cases. I would never condone that. I wish you healing forever.

But this trauma has created a shame core at the center of your self concept, causing you to set off on a lifelong journey to try to feel good about yourself, rather than actually give or receive love. I am sorry that this is harsh and blunt, I mean it with all compassion and understanding. I have been codependent myself and have struggled to be direct with people in the past out of fear and I became an enabler of some really terrible behavior. I was terrible myself. I was (unintentionally) manipulative, as are all codependents. I was selfish when I should have been brave enough to tell those around me what my intuition was warning me of (that we were all falling down a bad path.) I do not like who I was. It was not my fault but it is my responsibility to continue the forever journey of gathering self-awareness and growing. I am not done and I hope I never tire of learning how to be better. I hope you can take something away from this. I’m sorry I’m all over the place, I have a lot of thoughts and I’m over seeing codependent and narcissistic behavior continuing to be the norm. This is not from a self-righteous place, I most definitely have work to do, truly for the rest of my life, I just wanted to speak about the patterns I have noticed since starting to dismantle my own trauma and toxic patterning. I wish you all well.

[ladypiscesmoon]

Hi, can you give us an update on Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey's relationship?

Update Matt Bomer & Jonathan Bailey

From the romance angels oracle deck

I pulled ‘Past- life relationship (you have known each other before), ‘Worth waiting for’ (Divine time is at work in your life life)

I only did one reading for them before and there I pulled soulmate, I remember. I feel their connection is still very strong, but it’s not the right timing. Could be because Matt is married and I’m not sure if Jonathan is in a relationship too. Basically, the universe tells them that it’s worth loving each other, and that they have to go with the flow.

Jonathan’s energy: temperance (the middle path, patience), six of wands reversed (self-doubt, retreated after failure, lack of confidence, fear of failure, giving up, private)

Love oracle cards

Kisses, the butterfly: strong feelings, love for this man, but not doing something about it, nursing his inner journey.

From the hidden truth oracle: what has Jonathan to say to Matt

I left you before you could leave me, I’m starting to understand our connection. With this I feel that for the moment Jonathan is giving Matt space, but his feelings are the same

Matt’s energy: the star (hope, renewal, inner clarity, healing), 7 of cups (choices, clouded judgement, many options, wishful thinking)

I really felt Matt’s inner battle. His feelings are strong, but leaving a marriage is not an easy thing. I think he knows something extraordinary happened when he connected with Jonathan, but he is reluctant to give in and act on those feelings. But he can’t get him out of his mind.

From the love oracle:

The golden mirror (self absorbed, narcissist, one sided relationship, love-bombing

I begin to believe Matt has someone around him who is a narcissist, I remember pulling something like that last time also.

Photograph (looking at your photos, missing you, nostalgia, make new memories)

Thinking back, looking at photos, looking at Jonathan’s social media, wishing he could make new memories with him.

Hidden truth oracle:what has Matt has to say to Jonathan

My life is not as together as it seems, it was my fault but I blamed you

I’m not sure, but maybe Matt was a bit standoffish and tried to play it cool, the last time they saw each other, but he definitely feels a lot for this man. I’m not sure they had an actual fight, but I think Matt tried to avoid interacting much.

*for entertainment purposes/ alleged

[tobydandelion]

Severely Autistic Adult explains the actual problems with self dx:

When your don't have a good neurologist, or actual psychologist specializing in Autism, diagnose you and explain your diagnosis to you properly, the only place you're learning about autism is just among those of similar support needs, based on how social media functions. So when you spread misinformation in a video, we often don't even get to hear it, because usually, You're Boring Your Eyeballs Into The Camera so we can't even read the captions we usually need to even process what you're saying. So, most severely autistic folks cannot watch these types of videos to even dispute the misinformation within. That's just one example how we're shut out of our "own community" via lack of social supports and education. It's a self-reinforcing exclusion. Your understanding of the severity levels of sensory and cognitive impairment that can be "Just Autism" are then limited even more, causing folks to spread misinformation about other people's disabilities, and what more severe autistic accessibility needs look like in general.

And that's not even my main problem with self diagnosis- there's also the huge crossover of symptoms in the DSM to consider- and I'm absolutely sure autism self diagnosis is preventing a lot of people from understanding their fixable problems that come from complex trauma and require intensive inner child work and DBT, rather than just autism accommodations.

So it's not always invalid, but it requires a lot more work than the average 22 year old barista on tt has the time, energy, and media literacy skills to figure out, so being skeptical that someone isn't actually just ADD, or some other cousin neurotype, with unaddressed CPTSD due to that, and not autistic, should be valid as well. And I really wish "labels" didn't matter, but they unfortunately do, when these are the people prescribing language and obfuscating the actual types of accommodations society needs more of for MY DISABILITY that they demonstrably do not understand.

For instance, why do self diagnosers hate the word 'Severe' so much? Is acknowledging someone actually has a life quantifiably harder than you really so ego-shattering? Oh, oops, it actually is, because none of you will go get proper therapy for your trauma because you're all too busy in cycles of codependency and accusing each other of being secret evil narcissists, when really you're all just traumatized weird kids who are desperate for community and don't know how to heal. I get that now. But just, try to find that without prescribing language for people's disabilities, if you could please. And if you have time to self diagnose, you have time to take a full DBT course online or do some DBT workbooks. No matter what your neurotype, they are useful skills, especially if you were not raised kindly. And for every low support needs person on social media you follow, seach and try to find just as many higher support needs folks to follow too. And other severely disabled folks of all disabilities, too.

(Leaving this here to read feedback, refine the points, and turn it into shortform when I'm up to it, probably next year. Sorry if you've ever dm'd me, I do not consume any Tumblr currently, I only post. Super burned out, only social spoons for my baby and our team.❤)

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I am terrified if men.

I mean my father did everything to me but rape me. And he’d assert dominance over me /threaten me because he didn’t want other guys to sleep with me, date me, didn’t want me to get married, etc.

I’m no contact and he knows better than to contact me because if he does I’ll take legal action. My mom died and she was the one protecting him.

I seek therapy because I want to heal and am repeatedly invalidated about my trauma and about the reality that most men are abusive, sexual predators.

I’ve expressed that I’m sad I didn’t experience ge t romantic love..

Which is only to say that I’m all about separatism and even though I’m not dating men cause I’m traumatized by them, I have this regret over not having been able to explore a healthy sexuality, and a fear of missing out.

The last therapist I had was malicious/emotional abusive. Would read and be on the computer during sessions and deny doing it. Claimed I talked to much, (bad luck with this super narcissistic, very misogynistic old woman, grandmother /in her 60’s,) she ignored me /was very devaluing, then perked up “it can happen at any age!” She either thought I was lying or l exaggerating about being abused, or/and definitely not listening because I’ve never expressed wanting a bf or a husband, ever. Of course I did as a teenager/child. It’s honestly so demoralizing when even a therapist views you as inferior and like your being single is a problem and thinks you’re talking too much and attention seeking.

I’ve never not had a female therapist downplay or invalidate my trauma and male violence. I wish there were more feminist based pyschotherapists / bare minimum, therapists who do not project their family values Bullshit. I’ve never not have had a therapist view me as the problem to all my experiences. I’ve therapists judge me and treat me as subhuman for being childfree and single.

I def need therapy as I’m so traumatized that I’m scared to sleep and not sleeping anymore and it’s impacting my health. I also can’t regulate my emotions well and I’m a fearful avoidant with ptsd, some folks say therapist isn’t necessary because most are bad. I’d honestly argue most therapists have very misogynistic beliefs…

Is there any way to ver that out. I get so gaslight I lost my sense of self/ I’ve had to recover from bad therapy but once out of therapy I start feeling less crazy… I do we’ll months on my own without talking to someone but then need therapi.

I’m legitimently scared of them at this point. I did give my last therapist feed back about her behavior, when I told her “I’m a person, and I don’t deserve this treatment” and then responded with “I don’t believe you” she raged and yelled at me, blaming me for her being distracted, telling me I talked too much.

I’m started to lose hope however that there are therapists who recognize patriarchy and oppression as a root cause to mental illness, rather than a partner as a cure for mental illness 🙄without claiming I’m the problem when I’m the one showing up to therapy for what happened to me. Therapists all just think their patients are mentally I’ll crazy women who can’t get a man. I feel insane when I go to therapy. Because I’m terrified of men and the focus is never on me as an individual, but (I shit you not, and tbh I even told her she was giving me harmful advice,) but tk shift the focus on my “distortion” of why I think I “can’t have that now.”

(I actually believe there are good therapists in just scared to open up now /be devalued/have a therapist not even treat seperatism as viable or even suggest it to me as an option. I don’t need a therapist to suggest it to me but I’d trust one much better who did. It sucks leaving a therapy session feeling worse because you don’t feel good enough.)

I really think most therapists are sexists because they have male bias

i think ive mentioned it before but therapy is more of a business nowadays. all these therapists arent people that actually want to help, very few of them do, most of them saw a growing industry and decided they could bank on it. they dont care to help and heal, they view therapy as a way to make someone (women) "normal" and fit in to society rather than working through trauma and have a healthy life, even if that life isnt the typical one. ive also seen a lot of therapists feed into bad behavior, validating the emotions and victim complexes of abusers all while teaching them a new progressive language to wield against their victims. i still think about how my friend went to therapy and the entire time going culminated into the conclusion of "your life sucks and theres nothing you can do about it" like what???? it seems like traumatized people come out of these sessions worse and i have no doubt that abusers are going into this field to extend their reach. i feel like the more people glamorize therapy the more this is going to happen.

[disabeetled]

Actual goddamn cluster B positivity post

since i rarley see Cluster B positivity beyond "ohhh theyre still people! they arent scary!" i decided id make one

hey cluster b folks! among folks i know who have i have observed...

your passion to get help, not just for you but for others suffering

your ability to be creative and make the coolest goddamn things

your ability to bring your heart to any situation

your ability to look at situations obectivley

your ability to ask for help

your fear that you will hurt you or others, and the very real upset that causes

your ability to be compassionate, a quality science says you lack

your ability to laugh, smile, joke around

your ability to make others laugh and smile

take what positive statement applies to you, leave the rest. i wish you all well. im sorry that society as a whole doesnt "get" you. you and your struggles are real. even if youre just doing DIY healing and not seeint a professionial because you are afraid, or due to any other situation, youre valid. please know i love you (the cluster b person reading this) sm

also anyone who comments shit abt Narcissistic Abuse or how people w ASPD are scary or WHATEVER OTHER ABELIST BS will be immediatley blocked. really and truly: the abelist trying to comment's opinons do. not. matter. i dont care if youve been hurt! my goddamn groomer had BPD but *there is good in ppl*

[brynnterpretations]

"Hello!! I’d love to request a Homelander x oc from The Boys,Sorry if I'm bothering you, but if you have time, could you please make this request? 💛 His nationality is Italian/Brazilian with a bit of American,His name is Salvatore Palladino and he is currently 39 years old,He is a tall man (6'6ft tall) who is black and has fluffy black hair that is collarbone length + Eren yeager hairsytle + Silver eyes with compressed gray pupils + Cut scars (similar to sand dunes) on the sides of his face (above the eyes) he bi & ace and he has no romantic attraction as of yet. He is currently one of the members of the Avengers because Salvatore is not 100% Human, he is Half Klyntar (Half Symbiote) just like Dylan Brock,He was made in a lab but ran away when he was young,He can transform into a Symbiote without needing a host, but he can possess a body if he wishes & He has a sensitivity to sound and fire. He joined the Avengers in 2014 when he ended up helping them defeat Loki on their own using his symbionte abilities…(he managed to seriously wound Loki in the back with his claws when he became his Symbiote form.) and the Avengers also recruited him because he was a Hybrid. Recently, Salvatore ended up being forced to partner with the Seven, because The Seven and the S.H.I.E.L.D. organization..They made a deal to form a small partnership to face much bigger threats since the New York disaster, so Salvatore was chosen to temporarily join The Seven. Salvatore's appearance in Symbiote version/form: His back has a white line on the spine to the nape and has a gradient of darker grays on his back, his face is black and his limbs are metallic reddish and his chest is bluish,There are some white details on his fingers and face, his Symbiote pattern is a bit unusual and resembles an abstract painting with this palette. He has black gums and Unlike the other Symbiotes, it has a blue-gray tongue and fangs,He has 4 Milky white eyes and he has hair in Symbiote form (same hairsytle but his hair is Longer). Relationship with The Seven: [note: Salvatore doesn't like them very much for a few reasons..(After all, they are not the best kind of people) ] {this will be kind of enemies to lovers/dark ship.} Specifically with Homelander, he is one of the few people who is already afraid of the Supe,He has a grudge and annoyance against Homelander's narcissistic behavior and secretly finds it pathetic that someone wants so much attention and love when his actions don't make him deserve any of it in the end… And Firecracker: Although Salvatore doesn't hate her like he hates Homelander, Salvatore accidentally ended up seeing the scene of Firecracker breastfeeding Homelander (through a crack from the door in the ep "Dirty business") And he became immensely disgusted and uncomfortable around her (he doesn't know how to talk to her) And in the end.. Starlight: They actually get along because Salvatore has more empathy for her compared to the empathy he has for the other members,Salvatore and she have some similar tastes and he gives her cooking tips because he is Italian. He often feels apathetic compared to the other members, but he is not rude (he gets along well with A-train and Noir too). His personality: Acid humor, sarcastic, kind of sleepy, (cannibal {devours people in the form of his Symbiote} ) brute then pissed,Surprisingly fierce and protective of his friends and Family. Family: Bianca Palladino (his 12 year old daughter who he loves with all his heart) {her mother abandoned her.} Bianca is the same age as Ryan and they may possibly know each other, she has a similar appearance to her father. Friends: Natasha Romanov, A-train, Starlight,Peter Parker (Salvatore is a Father figure to the spiderboy.) Tony Stark,Thor and Clint Barton. (Abilities: tentacles (has 6 tentacles on his back in Symbiote form that have blades),Super strength, super speed,Spamming attacks,super jump,power bite, Claws,healing power,deafening roar. e is smaller than Carnage but taller than Venom {He is 8'7 in his Symbionte form} (Venom is 7'7 and Carnage is 8'9 ft tall.)"

I am not toofamiliar with Marvel as an admitted DC girlie, so I wasn't able to do too much regarding the Marvel aspect of things, but I hope you like it!

Salvatore and Homelander's relationship would be...

GIF Source: @homielander ★ (link)

Brutal.

As we all know, Homelander is not a good guy, and the fact that Salvatore picks up on that would already be grating to Homelander. While he's never been someone fixated on the moral aspects of his character, he really, really wants people to adore him, and the fact that Salvatore visibly does not think he's the hot shit that Homelander thinks himself to be bugs him to no end.

He couldn't care less about if someone thinks he's a good person. What he cares about is respect and admiration, and he does not get that with Salvatore.

In the university of The Boys, I'd imagine that the Avengers and other Supes would be connected to Vought, but still pretty separate entities. As powerful as the Avengers are in their canon setting, The Seven would remain the "core power" in the Supe world, and because of that, Homelander would both resent Salvatore for his power and look down upon him for his lack of "Seven" qualifications.

And, of course, he'd make it known the second he sensed any sort of noncompliance from Salvatore, be it backhanded comments (at first) and outright threats (once Homelander is fed up with Salvatore's shit).

But, Homie's gotta admit, Salvatore is powerful—not enough for him to be perturbed and immediately want him out of the picture, but enough for him to think of him more favorably than the rest of the Seven, even with Salvatore's disregard for Homelander. Similarly to his relationship with Stormfront in the beginning, Homelander would initially start out incredibly hateful, but would eventually warm up to him after Salvatore annihilated a Supe-terrorist (of Vought's own making) to protect an injured Annie.

While he genuinely could not care less about Annie's wellbeing, the viciousness of his powers definitely does something for him, in more ways than one.

He would begin to show more... respect... towards Salvatore (that written hesitation is because Homelander's version of 'respect' is very, very loose), and, as Salvatore continues to respond in dry humor, Homelander would become both more turned on and angry at him.

Our dude's freaky, and he would start imagining him "putting Salvatore in his place", both sexually and psychologically. Even despite Salvatore's hatred towards Homelander, Homelander would soon find him to be "not like the other Supes": AKA, not afraid to show resistance towards him despite his Godlike status, which all Supes (even Maeve) have shown at some point.

Homelander begins to extend rather misguided “olive branches” of respect, such as insisting Salvatore join him on a particularly brutal mission because it's "one only the two of [them] can handle", and by comparing their supposed superiority over the rest of the Seven.

While implying Homelander's a God, of course.

Yeah, he sucks.

Through increased psychological manipulation, especially considering Bianca, the two would become more close, with Homelander forcing Salvatore to spend more time with him. While he would oftentimes use the pretense of "work", on one rough night, Homelander ordered Salvatore to stay until nearly 3 A.M., where Homelander ranted to him about everything and everyone under the sun.

And, when Salvatore responded in typical fashion?

Similarly to Stormfront in the later of Season 2, Homelander would both be infuriated and secretly attracted.

It's not long after the "stay in my Vought apartment while I talk shit and, also, treat you like shit" that Homelander grapples with his feelings. He never feels them to be love, or even lust, but something different: Salvatore makes him feel things in a way he enjoys. Salvatore is dispensable, of course, but in this moment, makes him feel good.

Every time Salvatore does something that upsets Homelander, he goes straight to threatening Bianca's wellbeing, knowing that that is what will hit Salvatore hardest. While he puts up a front in front of her, he has absolutely zero allegiance or respect for her, only seeing her as a pawn in his game.

He does, quite honestly, see Salvatore as this, too.

Homelander and Salvatore's relationship would become a lot more erratic and unpredictable at this point, with Homelander oscillating between treating Salvatore as "different than the rest" while putting him down. Whether it's through public displays of dominance disguised as acts of "respect" or taunting him, Homelander does, secretly, crave Salvatore's hatred as much as his affection.

It's already been a battle between professional-and-personal, but by this time, becomes a lot worse. Any perceived slight is met with rage and perverse fascination. The intensity of his emotions makes it clear that this is more than a need for dominance — it’s Homelander’s, quite honestly, disgusting version of connection.

Homelander's late-night rants become a regular occurrence, the hour growing later and the conversations more disturbing each time. He speaks of betrayal, of the pathetic weakness of the other Supes, and of how the world owes him respect and unconditional admiration. On these nights, Salvatore’s responses are like oxygen to a flame. Homelander thrives on it, even as it infuriates him.

His attraction and his rage become inseparable.

And, on that note, trigger warning for implied rape and general evil behavior: Homelander is someone who always gets what he wants, and is also a very sexual guy. The fact that Salvatore is ace is, to him, irrelevant, and he would have zero issue forcing Salvatore and making fun of him, implying asexuality isn't real, etc.

Sorry. He's awful.

And, you know how I mentioned Homelander would see Salvatore as dispensable? Well, of course he would.

But his actions would, ultimately, say otherwise.

So, uh, all in all: this would not be a healthy relationship. But... it would be a relationship? So... congratulations to Homie and Salvatore? I guess?

[algolagniaa]

I am bored bored bored bored bored and I don’t want to write about the things actually on my mind or happening in my life so I’m just going to critique this chart reading someone did for me a couple days ago

according to this person I AM going to get married just late…. like I shouldn’t stress for about 4 more years. and tbh a part of me is like “nooooo I want to be a young and beautiful bride” but if I shut that part up that sounds p ideal.

also told me to avoid dating anyone with Gemini placements…… girl everyone I’ve ever so much as had a crush on has Gemini placements. with the exception of my ex fiancé. I vibe with Gemini moons almost exclusively. the girl I have a crush on rn has a Gemini moon and I think it was the same day I got this reading that she told me she wants to kill me over and over. literally HOW am I supposed to turn that down. I’m only human faerie after all

mentioned that I need to be careful who I let close to me because a lot of people over the course of my life are very jealous/envious of me, particularly those with strong Sagittarius placements (which I’ve def found to be true). this is literally WILD to me like ik I’m pretty great but what do I have (other than looks and brains and intrigue and force of personality, okay maybe I get it) that you actually want. actually being me isn’t that great most of the time.

spouse will be sociable and emotionally intelligent and intelligent in general and religious/spiritual and “quaint” and love travel. pretty standard 9th house themes. also said she will have an “underlying intensity” which, yeah I hope so otherwise what are we doing together.

apparently my Uranus/Neptune conjunction in 1st makes me come off as unreliable and my Pluto placement makes me seem controlling/manipulative and too intense for many people. and those two things combined are why people decide to write me off as a bad person. which I guess makes sense bc what happens is they like all of a sudden see something about me they don’t like and then act scared of me??? even when there is genuinely no reason to be????? anyway apparently one of the big things I’m supposed to learn that will help mitigate this is to treat friendships more causally and not expect everything to be a super deep connection. but I feel like I already DO THAT with a lot of people + also when I do that I end up playing with them like dolls or chess pieces. and it’s fun but not satisfying. well whatever I have astrological license to treat my friends worse I guess

ages 24-25 were supposedly years of great personal growth and healing for me but all I did in those years was get abused and lose all my friends and have everyone tell me that actually I was abusive and a narcissist with 17 personality disorders including one that is straight up not in the DSM. and go to a bunch of therapy that didn’t work. and get addicted to weed and gain 30lbs and have everyone in my life collaborate on a giant gaslighting effort to convince me I was dangerously obese and they were worried for my health. and obsessively read r/amitheasshole trying to figure out the rules for Correct behavior. and cut myself to win arguments. and get kicked out of thanksgiving drunk in the middle of the night. and move to Spokane and have my first great love vow to hate me forever. and continue to get abused in Spokane, and meet some friends, and lose those friends bc I pissed off a serial killer dude, oh also I pissed off someone in the mafia I forgot that part, and get abused more and have a dead bedroom in my relationship and lock my entire personality up in a box and put it in a deep dark corner of my mind and give up on ever being happy. also I cried on my birthday both years. where’s the growth and healing…. I guess I hiked a lot in that time? and went to the gym but my heart was NOT in it

apparently I am v talented at communicating, networking, and making connections and can use my gifts to acquire money and power if I so choose. girl I so wish that were true

was also told what themes I will focus on during the next couple years of my life and apparently this year my focuses are: relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners, equality, sharing, interpersonal style. and I can see a couple of these but for the most part��.. can’t relate.

[fereldanwench]

so since i had the tower ending available to me, i figured i'd run through it

disorganized, spoilery thoughts under the cut

so a few world-state items of note:

valerie had no romance (ofc)

valerie did the parade and saved goro (ofc)

valerie never met kerry

valerie didn't help judy with the clouds stuff so judy was also not a friend to call

valerie did have panam and river available as friends

valerie and johnny were very much not friends

i had only seen the ending with a friendship johnny, so getting to experience the rival dialogue was actually really cool. i did record the whole thing so i'll probably upload some clips from that and muse on it properly, but yeah, i love it when valerie and johnny fight. i loved being able to have her call him a narcissist 10/10. and i like that i could play her as still somewhat sympathetic to his situation

i love 2079 reed. his tie and office bod are precious <333

since valerie had no romance, i did get to hear goro during her in-and-out-of-consciousness scenes, which i absolutely loved

i knew about river and panam's phone calls/msgs and neither one of them are actually that close to valerie so the emotional impact there for me was minimal

much like with the devil ending, though, i wish goro was at least listed in her phone, even if it went to a disconnected number in 2079. valerie did tell him she was going to go with hanako prior to this, so having some kind of 'hey, are we doing this thing' msgs from him in 2077 would have been cool.

and like there seems to be some recognition from the devs that players who didn't get attached to any of the romances or had any other friends likely had some degree of fondness towards goro--hence using his voice in the coma. so once again, it just feels like there's missing content from him, basically. not even asking for romantic stuff here either--just more platonic interactions would have been very much appreciated!!!!

vik's situation depresses the hell out of me, even moreso than v's, although i did love getting to spend more time with him and see a different side to him just for characterization purposes. i loved the employee eval on his computer that said he talks to patients too much, because MUSE FUEL MUSE FUEL MUSE FUEL

(i'm actually in the process of working on some story sets for the events that happen directly after the heist, and vik gossiping to goro has been on my mind since the 'vik likes to talk' line v can deliver so this just compounded that)

connecting with misty briefly does kind of heal the soul a little at least

seeing valerie un-chromed and with a shaved head was pretty jarring, although not as much as seeing her in those clothes lmao. like wtf did the fia do with the clothes she arrived in??? even if she wasn't in top form, she would still make an effort to look somewhat nice going to see an old friend but i mean, i get it, at this point my vision of valerie is so beyond the possibilities of the game's potential characterizations for v

i also have a glitch in my game in which she's constantly holding a pistol during some cutscenes lmao so uh having randos try to beat her up while she's visibly armed was odd

the devil ending is still valerie's canon so this was just a curiosity playthrough, but i am somewhat intrigued by the possibility of another AU/alternate timeline for her and goro playing off these events.

the obvious scenario would be valerie becoming a fixer and goro becoming her bodyguard after they work out their shit since goro is clearly unhappy in 2079 lmao, but this ending plays on the convenient-lack-of-communication tropes that i fucking hate in stories (like really, the FIA couldn't find a way to get in touch with v's friends and let them know what's going on? i don't buy it) so it'd require a lot of rework for me.

and i really can't see valerie willingly going with the FIA, particularly after she told goro she was gonna go with arasaka, so i think a lot of that would have to change too

but idk, it's not a priority. i like having the AU stuff to tinker with when i need a break from their canon, which i currently do not. maybe it'll be like the nomad AU and suddenly hit me out of nowhere :3

but yeah im glad i experienced it for myself since there can be so many little personalized variations, but i also feel kinda out of sorts because it just felt really OOC for valerie and there were some major downers there, lmao. i feel like i need a bit of a palette cleanser

OH and i liked rogue taking nibbles, that was a pleasant surprise

[cosmichighpriestess]

The Dark Empath

We were born into darkness. We lived in the dark for so long that we learned how to transform the darkness into light. From a higher level our soul knew that we would not have to live or even want to live in the dark forever. We were raised by narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths even some, we can see through any manipulation tactics. The difference between a narcissist and a dark empath is the dark empath or light empaths enlighten themselves and see through the illusions of darkness. Whereas the narcissist stays stuck in a toxic cycle loop, blaming everyone and everything for their problems creating chaos from their unhealed wounds.

The dark empath steps out of the toxic cycle loop, heals their wounds and steps into the truth of the light. It's as plain as day to us what they are doing that everyone else is asleep to in our reality. We are are labeled as being too dark at times, scary, intense and even named the most dangerous personality type, we are-- for the wicked ones for the evil injustices you see in this world because we expose the Truth with our bulletproof boundaries and unbreakable soul.

Trigger warning: We are no threat to the innocent and vulnerable because we were once innocent until our innocence was stolen from us. Who else but us can see through these malignant narcissists, narcopaths, sociopaths, these dark warlocks, dark alchemists and actually change the world? The dark empath exposes these demons we saw through from the very beginning. We were chosen and came here to call these shameless demons out. For a while, we will let you think you have had the upper hand, that you've won the battle meanwhile letting the narcissist expose themselves by thinking they are manipulating and using us successfully. We always win the war. The dark empath can read you for filth in one minute and have these demons terrified of being exposed and shaking and begging for forgiveness. We actually don't enjoy doing this, we wish we didn't have to. But we don't mind confrontation or having uncomfortable conversations. Our silence was for your protection, not ours. We state facts, we speak truth through God, we are not the ones to judge; leave the judging to the narcissist.

Some people will tell you the dark empath is manipulative, emotionless, has no empathy but that is false matrix programming. They say that because they misunderstand our assignment from Source. Understand, these narcissists were murdering and burdening our pure hearts for decades. We're wise on manipulative tactics but an un-evolved empath will only manipulate, lie, cheat only with the narcissist that abused them for a short period of time. We know hurting anyone is a lower vibrational act and we know we will feel God's wrath for hurting someone without just cause. ANY violence, any hate, any lie, any pain, any curse, any abuse or lower vibrational act is inexcusable; telling the truth, and exposing the truth is not evil or lower vibrational. We just speak truth and it upsets everyone not living in their truth. Demons do not like to be confronted with the truth and they will retaliate against us. But we will not be silenced.

Why? We refuse to tolerate abuse and ignorance. Because the holy spirit is within us telling us exactly what to call out. The last thing we ever want to do with all this power is scare or invoke fear in the fragile narcissist because we know being in their body is torture enough. They hate themselves, they are completely disconnected from who they are- we know our loved one is underneath there being used by their demons but if you disrespect us, guilt trip is, blame us, shame us, threaten us, lie to us, gaslight us, betray us, belittle us, abuse us or anyone we love, we will show no mercy for the highest good of all. We've already lived and survived in the darkness we already lived in hell our entire lives, we know how to enjoy our time there and we know what we refuse to tolerate.

We know what we want and we know what we don't want and no one can bend us to their will. No one can buy us, control us, or manipulate us. It's not the narcissist you should be afraid of, it's the dark empath that is the most dangerous, but not for the pure hearted, not for society, but for the evil wicked ones playing in the dark and thinking they are getting away with it. By the time they come across one of us they are done. They are finished. Their karma is the end to their toxic ways. Their reputation is ruined. Any mistruths they speak will be carried by the winds, to the ears of the spirits, angels, archangels, deities, demons, ancestors that watch over and protect the dark or light empaths. They are humiliated by God, not by us. They will never be in our life or inner circle ever again. We do not consent to our energy being siphoned by these demons ever again. They will have to watch from the sidelines for the rest of their lives. We are the definition of resilient and not for the weak. We are both light and dark. We embrace our shadow side from a positive aspect versus a negative one. We are the curse breakers, we are the light bearers in the dark. Beware the wolves in sheep's clothing.

[vizthedatum]

This is something that I'm trying really hard to be mindful of... when I use labels/terms to describe other people, at the very current time I'm living in, I'm only trying to do so in the context of MY OWN healing.

So when I use accepted terminology based on the literature or professionals I subscribe to, regardless of the criticism that these people face in various communities, I'm doing so because it's helping me heal. It's helping people I know heal. It's helping people in a community heal.

If this is coming at a cost to someone's mental health, then you don't have to engage. My abuse recovery posts are specifically for people who are undergoing those types of abuse.

It's not to put down anyone else - I am not running a smear campaign. Please believe that I wish the people from the past... healing, peace, love, and fulfillment. I am angry at them and grieving all the various losses, but I do not wish them harm.

I am expressing what's happened in my life and how I feel about it. I deserve the space to do that, AS DOES EVERYONE ELSE.

I think it's ridiculous that I'm literally in therapy for the type of abuse I've gone through from my parents and several exes (something that's an established pattern for people with codependency tendencies like myself (including many autistic people like myself)), I'm working through literal "narcissistic abuse" recovery workbooks, I'm exposed to literature and sources from ALL angles of the issue, and then there are people who don't even know me or my health history claiming that I'm ableist.

I'm not taking away anyone's rights or voices.

It's extremely harmful to come after survivors and try to tell them how to make sense of their own abuse.

Let survivors actually try to find their voice again, using the tools that are available to them. Targeting survivors is not actually going to cause systemic change.

(My stance on the matter - DNI if you don't agree - you can literally block me and the tag)

[ruminate88]

Healing Journal ❤️‍🩹 04/17/23

I started this account over a year ago.. I had JUST learned about emotional abuse. I was trapped on TikTok watching video after video and it was very draining. At some point, I couldn’t watch another one becuase it was sucking me dry. Yes, I gained great clarity and insight for my past but it sucked. ALL OF IT SUCKED!

I realized I had all these emotional wounds from the past and had suppressed so much. I had physically blocked two of my exes Jake and Andrew, accept for Cody, who actually blocked me and ghosted me. 🥺 I knew Cody ghosting was a burden inside of me for years but I just didn’t understand it or know what to do with it. I decided to start a blog to jot down my past and see if there’s anything there I needed to work on or heal… BOY OH BOY!! I found a boat load of junk to deal with. I opened up the door in my heart to ALL the unresolved feelings, issues and the fact I never got closure from Cody or Andrew!! (I’ve been working on that stil. I’m still grieving)

I have learned sooo much about “emotional abuse” and it does make a lot of sense to my past. I even found a guy on TikTok who says he’s a “diagnosed narcissist” and everything he says seems to explain words and actions from my ex Andrew that I couldn’t explain before. The truth is, not enough information takes away the pain or changes the past. Also, each person is different so I have to keep in mind how just because one person is a certain way, doesn’t mean all people with similar traits are the same way. I’m just trying to understand… (some people have different circumstances or life experiences)

Why would I need to understand my ex Andrew so much??? Well obviously, I believed at one point I was falling so madly deeply in love with him but he was also my most confusing breakup I ever had and treated me like “no big deal” and it hurt so much! 😭😭The way he moved on so quick when I spent 3 months hating myself and thinking about suicide all time.

LOVE is sooo powerful and so is lust. A part of me knew all along andrew was “too good to be true” and wouldn’t actually ever “love me” but he said he loved me at first, so I wanted it to be very true and told myself “I was so happy with him” but he bread crumbed me most of our relationship and manipulated me with “intermittent reinforcement” for MONTHS! I was super anxious and on edge the whole time with him because I never knew when he was going to leave me again for days or when he would come back and “be with me”. 😢😓 He kept disappointing me and making me feel bad for wanting to be in his presence… I felt bad for even telling him I loved him. I NEVER felt good enough for him!

Why talk about Andrew so much??? I mean, I was trauma bonded to him and obsessed with him. I’ve been trying to understand and also kill the feelings. I broke up with Andrew becuase he acted like he was put out by me and bothered. Plus he cheated. I KNEW I couldn’t trust him but it didn’t mean I stopped caring about “him” or feeling for him… I understand now I don’t know the real him but I still had strong feelings attached. 🥺❤️‍🩹

I don’t hate him and I am trying so hard to keep forgiving him as much as I can. I don’t wish any “karma” or “harm” on him. I don’t want him to get “justice”. I just want him to be real, honest and know that I was real with him always. My intentions were always to cherish him and care about whatever he goes through. He was in college whenever we were talking together and he would tell me how hard school was, how much studying he had to do and say his parents were being so strict on him to “get good grades” 😝 (maybe he was truthful or maybe he lied to me) but I would ALWAYS try to give him encouragement and tell him how I believed in him and wanted the best for him always… 😔 It’s okay if he never wants good for me or the best for me. I mean, you can’t MAKE people love you or force them to fit into your life. You can’t change people to make them be what you want. 🥺🙏🏻❤️‍🩹 (I’m sorry Andrew)

My BIGGEST take aways from this healing journal so far is: Forgiveness, not judging yourself or anyone around you, healing can take time and patience! Knowing who to trust is important AND just because people hurt you, DOES NOT mean you have the right to hurt others. That’s all ❤️‍🩹