#wish I had the capacity for several friends at a time

[vole-mon-amour]

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[copper-16]

Scary

Several things go amiss during an El Clásico, but it is nothing that cannot be fixed with a little love and bravery.

(a/n: This might be a stretch to the imagination, but let’s just pretend that all the RM/Barcelona games are played at bigger stadiums in this universe. Also Marta Cardona still plays at RM in this as well, because I said so <3)

Ingrid and Mapi had made a small list of rules regarding their daughter when she was born. Some of them included things like: 

4. She would not attend any games at stadiums bigger than Johan Cryuff until she was three years old. 

7. She would never go to a Spain camp or a Spanish national team game unless situations change drastically. 

12. She would take turns being their mascot, unless it was a big event for one of their teammates, and they wanted Elena as their mascot. 

All of them had been good additions to the list, and they had stuck to their guns on it. They were made for her safety, to make sure that she wasn’t overwhelmed or overstimulated as a young child, or put in situations that could negatively affect her as such a young child. They did not regret their choices, but it did lend itself to an interesting situation just a few weeks after Elena’s third birthday. 

Ever since she had been born, all of the Barcelona vs. Real Madrid games had been played at large arenas, beyond the capacity that they wanted Elena to experience at such a young age. And just as they said, the toddler had never been to a Spain national team camp or game. She readily came to the Norwegian camps and games, but Mapi strictly forbade her from coming to Spains. 

When the Spanish defender had made the decision to go back to the Spanish national team, it wasn’t something she had taken lightly. But Pina and Patri wished to go back, and the brunette both wanted to protect her friends, and play for her country again. 

But hell would freeze over before she let her baby anywhere near that environment, near the coaches and structures that had played a hand in so much abuse, both physically and mentally. 

It was better for Elena this way, and Mapi preferred it that way. But it also meant that several of the Real Madrid girls who Mapi wasn’t necessarily as close with, had never met Elena. 

So when El Clásico is scheduled for early January at Lluís Companys Olympic Stadium, the mothers realize that it will be their first time getting to bring Elena to such an event. She had just turned three a few weeks ago, and they figured it was as good of a time as any to introduce her to the environment of a larger game, still safe with the two of them. 

And as it turned out, Mapi was the one who got Elena as her mascot that day. Which meant that early in January, the center back stood in the starting eleven lineup with her daughter on her hip, bouncing her lightly as they waited to walk out onto the pitch. 

Elena was slightly overstimulated, the roar of the crowd outside of the tunnel and the sheer size of the place around her slightly overwhelming for the young girl, so she was happy to cling to her mother’s side. She looked around at everything for a while, before settling on waving back at her Mama, who was standing in line behind her, holding the hand of another little boy. 

Mapi waved forward at Misa Rodríguez and Marta Cardona, who were both pointing at Elena with excitement. The Barcelona defender smiled, rubbing her daughter’s back up and down softly as she nodded - confirming that the two players would get to meet the little girl today. 

But it’s an exchange Elena misses entirely, only focusing fully back on her Mami when the players begin to walk out to the stadium properly. 

It’s an early evening game, the sun just beginning to set as Mapi tickles Elena’s stomach as they walk out, pointing at all the fans and explaining everything to her daughter. The little girl tucks herself into the smaller defenders side, happily pressed up against Mapi as she takes everything in, curious if not a little anxious. 

It’s the biggest environment she’s ever been in, but Mapi finds that their daughter settles quite quickly, waving at all the people as they stand in a line. 

“Hola!” Elena calls out happily, and the brunette smiles as many of the fans wave back, well aware of who was in the defender's arms. 

“I love you mi sol,” Mapi murmurs, pressing a kiss to her daughter's temple before she passes the little one to Irene, who would not be playing in the match, but rather resting. Ingrid comes over to kiss Elena’s forehead once before she runs toward the backline, leaving Mapi to jog after her, still looking at their daughter. 

“Adios Mami, good luck!” Elena called out as Irene carted her away, remaining happily placed in the older defender's arms for the remainder of the game. 

The game doesn’t end up being too hard of a match for Barcelona, with a scoreline of 5-0 in their favor. Ingrid had even scored one of their goals, a header off of a corner set piece they had played. 

When the final whistle blew, Irene released Elena and watched carefully as she ran straight to Ingrid, who was closer to the little girl than her wife. The Norwegian turned easily, opening her arms as she crouched down, scooping the toddler up into her arms and pressing kisses all over her head. 

“You won!” Elena cheered as she giggled, and Ingrid nodded, sweaty and tired but excited nonetheless. It had been a good match, and the crowd was rowdy and roaring around them, clearly equally as elated with the win. 

“We did!” Ingrid responded happily as she bounced her daughter on her hip, clapping her hands together as best as she could as she held her daughter, looking around at her teammates with a big smile on her face. 

The Norwegian headed toward the bench, intent on getting some water, when she was intercepted by one of the staff members. 

“They need you for media,” she explained with a grimace, her voice urgent, and the dark haired woman nodded her head in understanding as she looked quickly toward her wife. The Spaniard was standing off toward their bench, talking to some teammates. 

“Of course, let me just do a hand off real quick,” Ingrid explained, rushing over to place Elena down a few paces from where Mapi’s back was turned to them, as she hears her name being called more urgently. “You go over to Mami, okay Elena?” Ingrid explained as she brushed the little girl's sandy blonde curls back, and she received a small nod in response from her daughter. 

“María!” Ingrid called out as she turned around, running over to where they needed her for media. But just as she called out and turned away, Mapi started walking forward, away from her daughter as she was called to meet with one of the staff members. Ingrid’s call for her wife is lost in the crowd, and suddenly Elena is left standing on the sidelines of the pitch, with neither of her parents really in sight. 

The little girl looks around, hoping that someone in her Mami and Mama’s team will notice her standing all alone, but everyone is distracted. And the loud, rambunctious crowd that she didn’t mind so much when her Mami was by her side, suddenly seemed much scarier than it had a minute ago to the toddler. 

Elena doesn’t know this stadium like she does Johan Cryuff, but there are similarities. She turns around, eyeing the tunnel that she finds similar to the one in Johan, and she makes a run for it, weaving through legs in her quest to get to somewhere a little more quiet and contained. 

Once she gets there, she realizes that she’s maybe made a bit of a mistake. Because suddenly nothing really looks familiar, and the young girl struggles with what to do. At Johan, you turned right to get to the Barcelona changing room, so that’s exactly what she does. 

The little girl is near close to tears, and desperately hoping that she’ll stumble across the locker room, or one of the Barcelona players that she knows. She’s simply kept walking, going down hallway after hallway, trying to find something or someone familiar. By the time she decides that she should turn back around, she’s so lost she doesn’t know how to get back out to the field, and there are tears beginning to brim in her eyes. 

Elena comes to a halt in one of the intersections of a hallway as she realizes that she just wants her Mami and Mama, and she doesn’t know what to do. She isn’t the type to wander off, and she’s never been lost like this before. Armed with exactly no experience or skills in coping with such overwhelming feelings, the little girl can do nothing but burst into tears, which stream down her cheeks at a rapid pace as she stands there helplessly. 

Misa had been pacing up and down an abandoned hallway in Lluís Companys, staving off tears of her own, her face red as tears brimmed in her eyes. She was frustrated with her performance, with her team's performance, and she needed a second to calm herself down before talking to her teammates or the press, she had decided. 

What she didn’t expect, however, was to hear someone else burst into tears, in what sounded like the hallway down from her. Misa pauses, confused by how high pitched and small the noise sounded. It didn’t sound like one of her teammates, and when she rounds the corner, she is entirely unprepared for what she finds. 

There is a toddler, a little girl standing alone in the completely empty hallway, her shoulders heaving with the force of her cries, her hands covering her face. She has a little Barcelona kit top on, with the number 23 on it but the last name León across it. The Madridista immediately knows who it is, but what she doesn’t quite understand is why Mapi León and Ingrid Engen’s daughter is sitting in the middle of a hallway on the away side of the stadium. 

“Niña? Elena?” Misa calls out softly, walking toward the little girl, who looks up at her when she hears her name called. 

Elena looks up, finding a woman she doesn’t know walking toward her, and the first emotion that pours through her is fear. The woman is tall, like Mama, but her face is flushed and she’s wearing an alarmingly bright red jersey and shorts that the young girl doesn’t recognize. Her hands are large, considering that they are encased in goalkeeper gloves, but Elena doesn’t quite realize they are just gloves in her stressed state. 

All she registers is that there is a large, unknown woman walking toward her with big, scary hands, and if she was panicked before, it was nothing compared to now. She lets out a fearful squeak as she cowers from Misa, taking several unsteady steps back. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I am not going to hurt you niña,” Misa promises, even though she herself is cringing at her words. She’s never felt more like a child predator than in this moment, despite her intentions being more than pure. The goalkeeper had been excited to meet Elena, even more so after the loss, honestly. All of the girls often spoke about how much they adored the little girl, how smiley and kind she was. Misa felt like she could use just a little bit of that energy after the frustrating loss. 

And here the smiley little girl was, trying to get away from Misa because she was scared of her. It cracked the Spaniard’s heart right in half, and if she wasn’t upset before, she most definitely was now. 

Elena looked behind herself, finally and thankfully spotting a familiar face that had just turned toward the hallway toward the two of them. The Spaniard and Norwegian’s daughter ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, beelining for the Barcelona player who had just turned the corner with Marta and Olga next to her. 

Salma had just been coming back to talk to Misa with Marta when all the sudden she felt something slam into her legs, nearly sending her toppling over. 

“What the hell—o Elena!” Salma quickly corrected, trying to take in the scene in front of her with complete confusion. The little girl was cowering behind Salma’s legs, holding onto the forward for dear life, practically shaking. Salma instinctively placed her hand over the little girl’s hair, smoothing her curls as she looked up to see Misa walking slowly toward them. 

“Elena? What’s going on?” Salma asked helplessly, lost on what to do as she looked between the three Real Madrid players for some semblance of guidance. 

Elena had always loved Salma, from when she was a baby. The forward never knew what to do with the little girl, especially when she was younger. She had no experience with children, and she found herself often stunted and awkward in her interactions with Mapi and Ingrid’s daughter, but Elena’s love for her transcended any superfluous worries or awkwardness Salma expressed. 

“Scary,” Elena whispered as she pointed toward Misa timidly, her grip on Salma tightening as she tucked her head behind the young Barcelona player's legs. Salma looked up with a heartbroken expression, watching as Misa bit her lip to keep from crying, keeping her distance. 

The goalkeeper knew that some people thought she was scary. She got it, she really did. She had an RBF that could probably win an award, and a very intense personality. But it was one thing for a conscious adult to call her scary, and another for a little girl who she had been so excited to meet to call her that. The goalkeeper's heart sank at the realization that this was how Elena was always going to remember her, as the scary woman who tried to kidnap her when she was three years old. 

Salma looked between Olga and Marta, silently begging for help. She still had no clue what to do, and appeared to be rather paralyzed by indecision. 

It’s Olga who crouches down so that she’s level with the little girl, her voice soft and kind. 

“Are you lost niña?” The defender asked gently, and Elena poked her head out from its spot against Salma’s calf, nodding slightly. Her lower lip wobbled heavily, but she wasn’t actively crying, so they all took it as a win. 

Elena regarded Olga kindly, if not a bit shyly. The two women with Salma were wearing white, nowhere near the angry red that the other, larger woman was, and the little girl didn’t find them nearly as frightening, all things considered. 

“Come on, why don’t we take you back to your Mamis,” Olga decided, holding her hand out for the young girl. Elena took it carefully, but not before reaching for Salma’s hand, making sure that the forward was still holding onto her. 

Salma sent the little girl what she hoped was an encouraging smile as they began to walk out toward the pitch. The Barcelona forward wound them down the confusing hallways, with Olga holding Elena’s other hand while Marta carefully wrapped her arm around the goalkeeper. Misa was fighting to keep it together as they all ventured back out to the stadium pitch together. 

After a few minutes of walking, Elena let out a small whine, looking up at Salma with big, wet eyes. 

“Carry?” She asked, letting go of Olga’s hand in favor of staring up at the tall forward hopefully, tugging lightly on her kit top. Salma looked around at the other girls, terrified and scared of disappointing the little girl. They all looked back at her expectantly in that moment, and she was struck with the fact that she was the one with the most experience with Elena, of the group. It both calms her and terrifies her at the same time, somehow. 

“Uh…sure!” She laughed nervously, reaching down to pick Elena up, gripping her under her arms. The forward was used to dealing with the toddler when she was planted firmly on the ground, and she hadn’t carried the sandy blonde girl since she was a baby. She had been so scared to drop the baby that she had shook anxiously the whole time, until Mapi took pity on her and took her daughter back. 

But she tries to remember how Mapi and Ingrid do it, settling Elena on her hip as she clings to the little girl for dear life. She would never forgive herself if she dropped her, and she knew she would never hear the end of it from the rest of the team if she did. They were all highly protective of her, a fact that they all prided themselves on. 

As the five of them walked out toward the pitch, they had no idea the chaos that was awaiting them out on the field. 

—

After her interview had ended, Ingrid had walked back over to her wife with a pep in her step, still overjoyed at the win and the goal she had scored. 

Mapi wasn’t hard to find, standing with the assistant coach, discussing a few tactics from the game after he had called her over to talk about some of their defensive lapses. Their daughter was nowhere in sight, so the Norwegian assumed that Mapi had passed her off to one of their teammates, but when she looked around, she couldn’t see Elena anywhere. 

“Who did you give Elena to?” Ingrid asked, a crease appeared in her forehead as her eyebrows furrowed together. Mapi looked back at her with equal confusion, shaking her head. 

“You have Elena, not me. She went to you after the game,” the Spaniard insists, now beginning to grow confused. Ingrid’s eyebrows flew into her hairline at that statement, shaking her head. 

“I gave her to you ten minutes ago, I sent her your way and called out to you,” Ingrid explains, and Mapi pales at the realization that she had never received her daughter. 

“I did not hear you, and she never came over to me!” Mapi cried, looking around wildly for her daughter. When she cannot see her anywhere on the pitch, her worry only balloons. “Oh my god, she is lost. She is not here!” The brunette cried out, panic washing over her in waves as she realized what this meant. 

The ironic thing was that generally, Ingrid was the anxious one between them. She was the one who worried for Elena, the one who baby proofed the house and took first aid classes and sat in the back of the car with her when she was the baby. 

But Ingrid was also exceptional in a crisis, and this was no different. 

Mapi, however? Not so good in a crisis, at least a non-football related crisis, that was. 

“Oh my god, Ingrid, she could be anywhere!” Mapi pitched as she clawed at her chest, her throat tightening with anxiety as she whipped her head around, looking for any sign of the little girl. 

“Do not panic Mapi, she has to be here somewhere. Come on, let’s go find her,” Ingrid insisted, forcing herself to remain calm as she pulled her panicking wife with her as she began to inform people, everyone scrambling to begin looking for the young girl. 

They alerted security, sent people all over the stadium to look for her as the Norwegian drug her wife back toward the Barcelona bench. 

“This was the last place I left her, so we should stay here. She’s around here somewhere, we just have to find her!” Ingrid insisted as she turned to Irene, who had come over as she got wind of the situation. Hot on the tails of the older defender is the Barcelona captain, looking close to tears herself. 

“Is Elena really lost? Where could she have gone? We must find her!” Alexia cried, baby hairs escaping her ponytail as she looked around, clearly frazzled and stressed at the news of the curly haired little girl being lost. 

“Yes she is gone–” Ingrid began, only to be cut off before she could even really start her sentence. 

“Well we must search for her then!” Alexia interrupted, looking around wildly, her own panic growing. 

“Alexia, this is not even your child! If anyone should be allowed to panic, it should be us!” Mapi interjected, her stress seeping into her tone as she gestured wildly with her hands. Alexia let out a huff of disapproval at that, clearly in disagreement. 

“She is my goddaughter, I love her too!” Alexia insisted, the two squabbling uselessly as Ingrid watched on with an unimpressed expression. 

“If I were not more aware I would assume that these two were the mothers, and not me,” Ingrid mumbled under her breath to Irene, who couldn’t resist letting out a small peal of laughter that she quickly masked as a cough when Mapi and Alexia looked toward her pointedly. 

“Who knew that all it took to reduce La Reina and the fearless Mapi León into a puddle of stress was losing a toddler one singular time,” Irene joked back, where she was promptly met with more unimpressed looks from her teammates, and a chuckle from Ingrid. 

But even the Norwegian, who was generally cool in a crisis, was beginning to grow worried as time stretched on. Her eyebrows remained furrowed together, her foot beginning to tap nervously as she looked around, letting out a nervous sigh. 

“She’s going to be fine, Ingrid. She’s just wandered off somewhere, kids do it sometimes. We lost Mateo in the store once, and found him in the freezer aisle cuddling with some old lady's little dog,” Irene soothed, and Ingrid sent her a grateful smile, even if she didn’t look convinced. She knew the stories, she knew it was normal, but it didn’t make it any easier when it was her own child. 

She just wanted Elena back in her arms, proof that she was safe and sound, and to not let her daughter out of her sight until she was twenty seven years old. 

“How about we go check the locker room again?” Irene suggests, and the dark haired woman jumps at the opportunity to do something, nodding insistently. 

“That’s a good idea,” Ingrid confirmed, and she was just about to head back with her fellow defender when she heard it. 

“Mami! Mama!” Elena called out from her spot in Salma’s arms, and both Ingrid and Mapi were booking it toward their daughter as soon as they heard it. The forward was entirely unprepared for both the Spaniard and Norwegian to plow into her, raining kisses down onto her head as they plucked her from Salma’s arms. Mapi hugged Elena tightly to her, as Ingrid pressed into her space, both of them crowding their daughter with an abundance of love and relief, the panic washing off of them at the sight of their precious little girl back safely in their arms. 

The forward flipped her braids over her shoulder in relief at the hand off, nearly stumbling over when Ingrid stepped away from her wife and daughter, pulling her younger teammate into a tight hug as Mapi cradled Elena to her chest. 

“Thank you so much Salma,” Ingrid murmured in the space above the forward’s shoulders, and despite accepting the hug, the younger woman shook her head. 

“It was Misa who found her,” Salma promised, and the dark haired woman wasted no time in moving toward the Real Madrid player, stepping into her space and immediately hugging the goalkeeper, regardless of the fact that they hardly knew one another. Elena looked up from her spot against Mapi to see her Mama moving toward the scary woman, and she let out a whimper as she turned, burrowing her face into Mapi’s sternum with fear. 

As the panic subsides from her chest slowly, Mapi takes stock of the whole situation. Elena seemed scared of the Real Madrid players, cowering into her arms as Ingrid hugged Misa tightly. Everyone else seemed focused on Misa, with Salma, Olga, and Marta watching her wife and the Real Madrid goalkeeper. The goalkeeper seemed on the brink of tears, something that the center back assumed was because of the game. 

She was informed otherwise when Marta approached her carefully, her voice soft as came close to the Barcelona defender. 

“Misa found her in the hallway, but I think she caught the little one in a bad spot, and now I think she’s a little scared of her,” Marta explained, looking toward the Spanish goalkeeper with worry before looking back at the Barcelona center back. Misa was getting a pep talk from both Ingrid and Irene, to what appeared to be little avail, if the tears in her eyes were any indication. 

Mapi nods slowly, rubbing her hand soothingly over Elena’s back, up and down softly. Her daughter is already a hundred times calmer, having regulated herself well in her Mami’s arms. That being said, Mapi knew they needed a few moments to regather themselves before they reintroduced her to Misa, if they could. 

“Okay, thank you for letting me know. Give us a few minutes?” Mapi asked gently, and Marta nodded before leaving, heading back to her teammate's side. 

It was just a few moments later that Ingrid appeared at her wife’s side, the Spaniard wordlessly passing her daughter to the Norwegian, who held her close and rained kisses down on her. 

“It’s okay, we’re right here Elena,” Ingrid promised, her own worry and stress evaporating at the content little sigh their daughter let out as she was held tightly to the Norwegians side. It was after a few minutes of holding her that Elena leaned back, looking calmer, if not a little more worried. 

“‘M sorry, got lost,” Elena explained gently, her lower lip wobbling as tears brimmed in her eyes again. Ingrid shook her head slightly, her words soft and soothing. 

“You do not have to be sorry, Elena. Just try to stay close to me or Mami next time, or someone you know, si? We do not want you to get lost where we cannot find you, because that would make us very scared, okay?” Ingrid explained carefully, and when she finished Elena nodded, a small smile finally appearing on her face as she settled in her mothers arms, back to the happy little girl she normally was. That was something wonderful Ingrid and Mapi both loved about their daughter being so small, how resilient she always was in situations like this. 

Mapi looked back over toward Misa, her heart breaking when she saw that the tears had broken through finally, her head buried in her hands. 

Elena looked from her mother to the Real Madrid goalkeeper, her little eyebrows worried together at the sight. 

“Mami, is she okay?” The sandy blonde girl asked as she looked toward Misa, recognizing the signs of someone crying. Mapi looked toward her wife for a moment, and after receiving a nod of approval from the Norwegian, the Spaniard took her daughter into her arms from her fellow center back. 

“That is my friend Misa,” Mapi explained to her daughter, her words slow and gentle. She stays where she is, but tries to convey her warmth to the woman regardless. “She has had a bad day, and I think she is just expressing that by crying, like you do sometimes too when you are upset,” Mapi continued, watching as her daughter stared at the goalkeeper with concern painted in her small face. 

“Friend? Tía?” Elena asked curiously, clearly trying to work everything out as Mapi nodded. 

“Yes Tía Misa, she is one of my very good friends. She is very kind and funny, just like you!” The Spaniard tried, and Elena looked over at her skeptically, but she chose to believe her Mami. 

“Maybe we cheer up?” The little girl asked, and Mapi raised her hand to run it over Elena’s cheek gently, in a soothing manner. 

“Are you sure, El? You do not have to, I know you thought she was scary earlier. I promise she is not though, she is one of Mami’s friends,” Mapi promised, not wanting to pressure her daughter to do anything she didn’t want to. 

“Cheer her up,” Elena decided, wriggling her body slightly to signal her mother to move. She stiffened suddenly as she looked from Misa to Mapi, with some fear clearly still present in her tone. “You come too,” she checked quickly, relaxing back into the Spaniard when Mapi nodded her agreement to the statement. 

Salma, Olga, and Marta had led Misa over to the Real Madrid bench, which was where Mapi brought Elena over to. The goalkeeper was sitting on the bench, her head in her hands as silent sobs wracked her shoulders. 

Marta looked over at Mapi with a hopeful expression as the Spaniard placed her daughter on the ground, taking Elena’s hand as she led her over to Misa. 

The young girl held her mothers hand carefully as she made her way up to the woman who had been wearing the angry red jersey. She was now wearing a white jacket over her kit top, and something about seeing her when Elena was in a calm state, and the lack of such an aggressive kit top helped to soothe the little girl’s initial concerns. 

“Hola,” Elena said softly, her voice small but fierce in its kindness as she stopped a few steps from the goalkeeper. Misa paused, looking up carefully, unable to keep the surprise off her expression when she realized who was in front of her, looking at her carefully. 

The goalkeeper looks up at Mapi in shock before she is wiping the tears from her eyes, offering a watery smile to the toddler. 

“Hola,” she responded, unsure of what else to say. Elena took another step toward her, offering a small smile. 

“My name is Elena,” she expressed quietly, watching as Misa rubbed the tears from her eyes. 

“Hi Elena, I’m Misa,” the goalkeeper repeated, trying not to burst into more tears. There was no fear in the little girl's eyes, only curiosity and kindness. Misa feels hope flying into her chest at the little girl's face, at the thought that maybe this whole situation was salvageable. Elena looks at the spot next to Misa, her eyebrows furrowing together in curiosity. 

“What are those?” Elena asked gently, pointing to the abandoned goalkeeper gloves that were sitting next to the Madridista. The Spaniard reached for them, holding them out to the little girl softly. 

“These are my goalkeeper gloves. Would you like to see them?” Misa asked gently, her voice hopeful. The little girl looked back at her mother for a second before releasing Mapi’s hand, nodding as she walked over to Misa, right up to where she was sitting, placing her hand on the goalkeeper's knee. 

“Here, you can put them on,” Misa said softly, everyone watching with relief as the goalkeeper slid her giant gloves onto Elena’s little hands, holding them on to help to keep them from falling off. 

The Real Madrid player was absolutely positive that Elena healed something within her when she giggled, leaning into Misa as she moved her hands with the gloves still over them, laughing happily at the sight. It was the goalkeeper's first real smile of the day, and her heart leapt into her throat when Elena climbed into her lap, beginning to talk her toddler nonsense to Misa, who held onto every single word she said. 

The Madridista carefully held Elena to her, making sure she was secure with no chance of falling. She looked up when the toddler gasped, seeing Pina and Jana still out on the field, passing the ball listlessly back and forth as they spoke about something. 

Elena turned back to Misa with excitement, the goalkeeper gloves falling off her hands in excitement. 

“Come play Tía Misa?” The toddler asked hopefully, her eyes big and filled with joy at the prospect of getting to play with all of her friends. Misa looked toward Mapi, who nodded her head in agreement before she smiled brightly, agreeing with Elena. 

“Come on!” Elena cheered as she took Misa’s hand after being set on the ground by the goalkeeper, and dragging the taller woman toward the younger girls. 

Ingrid had come over to join Mapi, Salma, and Marta, as the right winger shook her head in disbelief. Misa was sitting criss-cross applesauce on the ground, rolling the ball toward Elena, cheering when the toddler tried to kick it. 

When Elena finally managed to hit the ball back with some semblance of accuracy, Jana and Pina immediately cheered loudly. Elena giggled at both of them, smiling before she ran over to Misa, collapsing into a hug as she wrapped her arms around the goalkeeper, who hugged her back just as fiercely, a huge smile pulling at both of her cheeks. 

“What is it about children that just…heals any wrongdoing?” Marta asked wistfully, and Ingrid chuckled as Mapi shook her head. 

“You can’t not love them,” she acquiesced, letting out a final sigh of relief as they all moved to join the girls in playing with the toddler, who happily giggled away at all the attention raining down on her. 

[hispanthicc]

Things I Like About Being A Guy That Got Fat On Purpose.

I think after my last text post I should post something more positive in relation to weight gain. I have been gaining or at least trying to for several years but it wasn't until the pandemic that I really started to grow.

I am now about 210 ish, it fluctuates but it doesn't go lower than that. I'm also like 5'7 so i look 230+.I wear a size 38 x 32 in pants... but I might actually be at 40. I was wearing XL's in shirts but over the past 3 months I've been wearing XXL's. I do go for looser clothes otherwise L-XL would be fine. I think looser just works for me cuz I have generalized anxiety disorder and I need to feel like I can breathe so the looser the better. It's kind of funny how huge that sounds because the fit on my clothes is very regular despite my description of it being loose. I also feel like the way looser shirts drape over my body my boobs look a lot bigger, I mean they are but it's not so obvious when I’m shirtless but it's very noticeable when I’m clothed. I'm kinda self conscious but i've also gotten to the point where I don't really care. I also like that i'm wearing the last size that a lot of stores carry (which is probably going to be really annoying soon). I bought from a plus size store twice this year (it's still 2024 as of writing this) Once when buying a suit for a friends wedding and then I bought some random sweater. both fit and looked really good on me.

I feel more confident the bigger I get. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I just feel more sure of myself. Maybe when you're bigger you *have* to be more sure of yourself. I also think that after making content for so long I just dgaf about a lot of things. There really isn't anything that someone can say to me thats gonna make me not like myself or getting bigger. It's just kinda who I am now.

This is a somewhat recent observation and maybe it's a healthy one but, A lot of times as a gainer you are comparing yourself to other gainers. So you may be thinking things like "oh he eats so much more than me", or "I wish I was that big", or "I wish my capacity was bigger." however, if you compare yourself to someone who isn't a gainer you'll feel a lot bigger and you'll realize how you're eating like 5x more than a regular person, and doing so very easily. Regular people aren't eating whole pizzas, half a dozen burgers, liters of soda regularly. Regular people are likely trying to fit within a 2500 calorie diet range. A lot of gainers eat that before lunch lol. The first time I noticed this (I don't get out much) is when I was out with my friends a few months ago, we went to the movies, then dinner after. We went to an indian restaurant which obviously meant there was a lot of food. I really enjoyed it and I ate a lotttt but everyone else got full very quickly and had to get a to go box. I was the only one that didn't lol. (I need fat friends, or gainer friends irl, ik that's not possible for me rn tho).

Another thing is that people will want to cuddle you. You're just automatically considered to be more cuddly or huggable. People also seem to wanna squish me lol. one of my friends has rubbed my belly while cuddling in the movie theatre several times he's also grabbed my boobs so many times. so that's fun.

there's probably more things. lmk if I should write more. I’m gonna end this here. cuz i'm writing this on 0 sleep lol.

[thefirstknife]

My Grimoire Vol 7 (Penumbra) arrived and it's a banger. I'll post some illustrations from it and some new lore that hasn't been seen before.

The grimoire contains several full lore books: Unveiling, Regarding Stasis and Inspiral + multiple individual grimoires and lore tabs. It also contains some parts of several collector's editions (BL, WQ and TFS). I'll transcribe new lore under read more, but first! Intro and pictures:

Intro from Eris!

Friend. I write as a woman changed. My recent contact with the Darkness was as formative as my long-ago rebirth in the Light. So after all this, here, at the end, I will say: Do not ignore the changes we have endured, and do not disregard the difference between the Light and Darkness. It is not vanity for me to acknowledge that I have unique insight to impart. I have witnessed Darkness in all its forms, in all its terrible pain and contortions, and all the violence it inflicts. But despite this and above all, I see in it the aches and yearnings for a more complete world. There is collapse and indistinction, but also, there is preservation. Not stultifying, but vital. This is what I have learned. We have harnessed the Darkness because it beats harnessing. It has yielded the fruits of our future, nurtured against great opposition. Every boundary invites transgression. We are not beyond our own affronts, which have inevitably changed us. That is not weakness, or folly, or failure. I maintain that balance is not equity. I do not accept the Darkness on the same terms as the Light. Darkness is a tool to be used and a path to walk, but it is not our essence. We must hold fast to that understanding. To do otherwise invokes delusion. The Darkness and the Light are not opponents, but neither are they allies. There is a natural conflict between them, but we have the capacity to hold contradictions within ourselves, and so they mingle with great effort on our part. That is the beauty of our complexity, the purview of the Light. Our safe contact with the Darkness is only possible because of the Light. Even so, the Light exists not as our protector, but as our guide. That is all I wish to impart. To every fire, its fuel, Eris Morn.

This is the illustration for Clovis' dream from the Traveler in which the Traveler appears as a wolf, from BL CE. The dream is in the book. More under (seriously long post below):

These are two Darkness grimoires with this additional drawing.

It Stared Back with the illustration of Calus. There's also this page of the Confessions lore book.

This grimoire with the illustration.

The entire Unveiling, the illustration is paired to "The Flower Game" page.

Drifter illustration paired with his entry in the TFS lore book, Chirality.

They put THE lore of all time, Pujari and the Black Garden, and paired it with this illustration.

The entire Regarding Stasis lore book and illustration with this page :)

A lot of stuff from the WQ CE, this illustration of Ikora going ham on Shaxx and Zavala and Ikora playing their game included.

The entire Inspiral lore book is here as well, with these two illustrations.

Mataiodoxia lore tab with this illustration. Subjugator!

And now! New lore. Some of these may be upcoming lore pages? Or they're only for this book, unsure yet. But either way, they're not in the game as of now.

Club Morgue Ahsa, lay low your flukes. Doff your cap and coat. You're safe here. You know you'll keep your promise to find the place where this all began. But for now, rest. No, I'm not death, though it is my tool. "Nothing" doesn't interest me, you understand? A flawed existence is preferential to none at all. Things are the way they have to be, instead of the way they'd like to be. Ah, Ahsa. You saw it all - the extinction, the extermination, the gamma-ray bursts burning up your garden worlds, the singularities eating up infant suns. It hurt you so! And you turned to me, asking why it had to be. I didn't answer. I never do. I'm a question. It's up to you to find the answer. Build the castle. So far they all fall over, but maybe one day one won't. How? I don't know. Figure it out, do the work, ask the question. What will remain in the end, when the stars go out, and creation freezes in the half-light of evaporating black holes? These killers you're after. They were very much like you, Ahsa. They wanted to know why; why there had to be life, why there had to be death. But then, not liking the answer they made for themselves- Well. You'll see. Go on, Ahsa. Someone's coming to see you, and I'm sure she's got a real humdinger of a proposal for you to hear. Her sister, though... it'll really wind her up if you die by any other hand but hers. She means to take you for her worm. And she pretty much runs this town, truth be told. Watch yourself out there. It's a war zone.

I will assume this is future lore tab for Heresy. Deals with the Hive and someone talking to Ahsa. Very strange speaking tone, reminiscent of Unveiling to me. Obvious mention of Savathun ("humdinger of a proposal") and Xivu who apparently wants to take Ahsa as her worm. Very strange overall, probably lacking in context from the next episode, but a nice little treat for what might be coming in Heresy. Would love to see more on Ahsa!

Charybdis It seemed so simple to me when I first heard it: the strongest survive. It's obvious. If it can be destroyed, it must be destroyed. And in that destruction, the victor becomes even stronger. Kind of like Guardians, honestly. All of us. It makes sense of how we grow. Take the Crucible. We sharped our skills against each other in the arena. The less skilled become fodder - for a match point, for practice, for testing new ways of burning or electrocuting or... spaghettifying. Those who reach the top climb stairs made of bodies. Sword logic seems simple, clean, beautiful. Scooped out of Hive goop and guts, it shines like a searchlight, a bright beam cutting across the sky in perfect straight lines. But there's something more to it. Some extra... magic? The Hive do magic, sure. Runes and math and a sharp edge. What are the Hive doing that we can't do? Or is it more about the Darkness than the Hive? Or is it both? I need to know. To be part of it. I decided the best place to start figuring it out was by studying Hive. The way they live, the way they die. And no one looks at me twice for going after Hive - any good Guardian fights Hive, right? I beat through Thralls and Acolytes with my burning mauls. It got routine. And one day, as typical as any other, I realized how easy it was, how these Acolytes were barely worth the air they breathed if they were just going to break like simple bone - but then, something changed. I felt it. My mind reshaped into sword-thinking. I began to practice it like I lived it, and then I did live it. It was part of me, and I of it. You'll feel it, too, if you follow that path. You'll know when the sword goes from being your weapon to part of your arm. I became one with the sword, and the Light in my hands burned brighter and brighter. Since then, I've just been getting stronger. I triumph, and the Light sings, and from my heart to my fingertips, I am alight with glory. Again, and again, I prove my existence to be the truest thing: that I am more real than any other who strives to strike at me. My sword, my self, is forged in Light, and it is hungry. What else can I do with this sharpness that I have cultivated so carefully? What else could WE do? How strong could we become? We Guardians are worthy. I know I can yet become sharper. // ACCESS: RESTRICTED DECRYPTION KEY: 32C49KLD032XAR-612 HIDDEN AGEND: [REDACTED] RE: VIP #1290 Departure from the City Confirmed VIP #1290 has left the Last City without further incident. Hidden agents have traced her trail and have destroyed data and materials left behind to avoid potential misuse or corruption. However, VIP #1290 eventually discovered the Hidden tracker and burned it out - so she's in the wind. Ghost status currently unknown, but probably alive. At least for now. At this time, recommend scouts do not approach. She's dangerous enough without us feeding her. At least she's out there, not in here.

Another one that seems like something coming up in Heresy. Some Guardian who we only know is a Titan has started practicing the Sword Logic and she's dangerous and currently missing. VIP number is brand new, it doesn't match any of the existing ones so we don't know who this is. Either not entirely important, as it's just one small look into what's going on or it's something that will be further elaborated in Heresy. That is, if my assumption that these are going to be lore tabs in the game is correct. Certainly feels like it.

Next is a new lore tab from Osiris! On the left is an old lore tab, on the right is new.

On Concerns, Previously Expressed Ikora, You know as well as I that the Vex yet require attention. I have said before - many, many times - that their threat is greater than any other. And while the recent depredations of the WItness have proven this set of priorities temporarily mis-ordered, I fear that the threat of the Vex may not only spread in the aftermath, but also go underestimated. It is tempting to let our guard down and breathe easy. We cannot. Before my exile, I made plain my opinions on Light and Darkness, on the foolishness of considering them "good" and "evil." This remains true, doubly so now. Our enemy was never the Darkness itself, but that which worked within it. And that childish division of good against evil has distracted from the unceasing enemy: the Vex. They care not which force they grasp. They care not about morality. They care - if one can call it that - only for convergence. They advance, and they will not stop unless we stop them. Every time they have closed their gap to paracausality, even in the smallest way, it has been nigh disastrous. I am sure I need not remind you of Quria, of the eternal night that threatened to fall over the Last City. Of the Black Heart, that Vex attempt to recreate the Veil which could itself have been catastrophic. Of the Black Garden, and the remnant of the Witness that Guardians found there, redolent of Darkness. We may not yet have seen what happens when the Vex grasp the Light, but I assure you, if it has not yet begun, it soon shall. Time is inevitably limited, until the Vex in their infinite adaptability learn how Light and Darkness both may be turned to their advantage. It is my recommendation as advisor to the Vanguard that the Vex be logged as the most urgen enemy of sentient life, both of the Last City and the growing alliances formed these past years. Please, Ikora. I would not raise this yet again if I did not believe it to be of utmost importance. Consider it well. -Osiris.

NO CLUE where to place this one. It's definitely not in the game, so either also upcoming lore or just in the book. What makes me suspicious about it being upcoming lore is that the name is too big to be an item, so maybe a lore book page? But Heresy is largely going to be about the Hive so I'm intrigued about a letter from Osiris to Ikora urging her to act on the Vex being relevant. Other than that, it's Osiris back to cooking about the Vex. He is out here literally "as per my last email"-ing Ikora and continuing the same argument he's had for centuries. I am also wondering where is this lore tab in relation to the stuff from Echoes. It's likely post-Witness' defeat, but no idea if it's also after Echoes. Osiris is definitely worried about them getting paracausality and reaching for the Light. Future setup? Very cool, I ate it.

Both of these are new.

On the Witness My Hidden friend, The neonate worm, Ahsa. She spoke to the Guardian, and this is what she imparted: Look to the place where the Witness formed. An exhausted world, made so long ago that even silicon was a luxury. That is where the hunt began. The Traveler graced that world. But it wasn't enough. Those who lived there saw a creation born to die. They wanted it to mean something. It had to mean something. And if it didn't, they would make it mean something. For, in their view, to make something was to understand it. I understand this impulse too well. But they chose a truly rotten betrayal. To open up and take, and remake, their god. And they would use the Darkness to do it. Finding no meaning at all in the act of creation, they decided, that the only place left for reason, intent, and consciousness to reside was in the act of elimination. If their god the Traveler made things for no reason, then a merciful, purposeful winnower must have good reason to remove them. In mimicry of this belief, they winnowed themselves down to a single awareness - all their thought and pain compressed into a bombshell of consciousness and intent. Magnificently aware of all the universe's failings. A conscious witness to the testament of the Light's sins. A final, ruinous creation born of their civilization. A knife. And it set out after the Traveler. Not to destroy it, but to defeat it. To impose a will upon an absence it saw as unacceptable. Negligent. To dictate, by force, how things ought to be. The motive is to impose meaning upon Dark and Light beyond mere primordial dynamics. The killer is an anthology of this ancient civilization's rage at their god's silence. I find that I pity these vanished people. But if all the cosmos turned inward, as I turned inward for a while, as these people turned inward forever, then we would all be alone. Yes, it is awful to face loss. But we must keep cooperating in the face of all extinction. Or there can never be anything better. This is all I know.

Also most likely coming up in Heresy. Wild stuff in here. Ahsa is mentioned again; I'm not sure if this is referring to what Ahsa showed us back in Deep or if she'll be showing us something more. Obviously it would be spoilers to tell us everything but these little bits and pieces are unhinging my mind. No idea who is talking here and to whom; my assumption is that Mara is writing to Eris, mostly because Mara says "My Hidden friend" to Eris in the Taken King opening cutscene. What to say about this other than I am insane. More about the Witness and its civilisation please.

Cacophony, Euphony We listen. We witness. We wait. Through the Darkness, we hear a single voice. With a thought, we are there, to touch the mind that reaches into this domain. Cradled by Darkness, it asks a question. We answer this one, like we have others. We are generous with answers. Not all beings can understand the answers we give, but we try. Again, and again. None ought to cry out, only to suffer no answer. There are always more voices in the Darkness, reaching out. We turn. Far distant, there is a people lacing ribbons of Darkness through their thoughts to bring them closer together, that no one might be divided from the purpose they have dreamed for themselves. But they have no come to Darkness through the Gardener's neglect - it is simply their natural course. In time, we shall enfold them into our shape, but they need not urgent salvation. Our presence drifts. And still, we listen in the Darkness. There is violence that corrodes constructs like peace. There is the Hive. Some resist the rampaging Hive, crying out into the Darkness. It is to us they reach, in the end. We hear their pleas and grant them succor, salvation, enshrining them in our monument. Toward our inevitable final shape. There is time enough to reach out to the farthest corners of Darkness, to inhabit it so deeply and thoroughly; we will hear whomever calls out in it. We will answer. We will always answer. Even that which passes temporarily below our notice will be found again; and we will hear those questions and give purpose. Give salvation. Always, we listen for signs of the Gardener. Our Disciples pursue it still, to pluck it from the chords of infinity. We listen. We wait.

This is a banger. Also probably coming in Heresy (or after?). Very curious about this one. There's indication that this is from the Witness while it still lived; the speaking as "we," the name mentioning "euphony" (Salvation's Edge raid exotic also with curious lore in regards to the Witness), saying "our Disciples." It also makes sense; the Witness felt betrayed and abandoned by the Traveler who never spoke back and never answered questions or given directions, so the Witness sought to do the opposite. It's why it was so easy to fall under its influence; the Witness always reaches back. And it's all framed as the Witness believing it was helping. I also love how it mentions other species that were using Darkness naturally; they aren't specified, but we know they existed. Either way, I'm obsessed.

Finally! These two are also both new and it's how the whole book ends. This is a different "Winnowing" from the one in Inspiral.

Winnowing I have come to delight so in this: in possibility, and its end. Oh, I kicked and fought and screamed about it at first! I was fond of what we had! But the table was upturned, and a knife cannot be un-invented, and so here we are. The rules changed - a little. The pattern altered - but a micron. I got used to it, as they say. People can get used to anything, and the same holds true for concepts that have existed before and after time itself, though it may take an eon or twenty. So here I am, among the stars. They burn so brightly, but given a billion or ten billion years, they chill: their mass reduces to nothing but throbbing embers, at last gasping into stillness and ash. Even the loudest of celestial roars cannot outpace infinity. I am assured. I have come around. There is charm in diversity, in the uncountable ways a speck of cosmic dust may climb to cognizance and philosophy, only to find the same old truth of decay. Again and again, I am proven right: it all ends the same. It isn't about violence, mind you. It's about inevitability. Simplicity. The unnecessary removed, the requisite remaining. Whether the knife is made of metal or the folded layers of time, it matters no. The pattern triumphs. The stars burn out. And I am right. So every being made in that garden of possibilities, every creation that looks at infinity and comes to my same conclusion - why, I cannot help but love them. The rules were altered, and still they have said: here is the truth. Possibilities do not change what is. The pattern is the pattern, and its reliable certainty is its beauty. Even a cheater of eternity cannot yet win its wager. The game is longer now, but I will be its victor. In this eon, or a thousand hence.

Losing it seriously, I'm losing it. This is a clear throwback to Unveiling and Inspiral and also Nacre! It is the same speaker or emulating the same speaker at least, so we'll call it "Winnower." I really like how it calls itself a concept. There's not really much to say other than delving into a 10k word essay on the philosophy and concepts and options and possibilities (hah) so yeah. Very obviously referring to the Flower Game and the change in rules with paracausality and how this entity still believes itself to be correct and how it will still win in the end. Since it literally refers to itself as a concept, I will continue treating this whole thing as allegorical rather than talking about it as some real character, at least until further notice. There's a lot of metaphorical language going on here and I will continue looking at it as such rather than making clickbait statements like "this is the new antagonist and we'll fight it in a raid in 10 years." Maybe! Who knows. For now, all we have is yapping like this and this thing calling itself a concept and talking in allegories. Either way, absolutely stunning piece of lore. There's a reason my favourite thing ever is Unveiling and it's this mystical, religious incomprehensible information from a thing that maybe exists beyond time and space, who everyone can interpret in a different way. 10/10

Gardening You delight in possibility. The same action, over and over, only produces the same results if all circumstances are the same. But there are so many variables - a million different outcomes may spring forth from one action. One stray atom changes a lifetime, and one breath of wind, an eon of history. Choice is infinite; and possibility, endless. To some, it is only statistics. But you have ever been captivated by that miracle. You know stagnancy. You have seen it many times: the same stable oblong it all comes down to when growth has ended. The soft-pulsing oscillation over one spot, never truly carrying on further until stirred by some outside force. A depletion of possibility, the flowers never finding further growth, even if they never die. A single breath might be enough to change it. You understand, of course, that a breath is a breath, and a flower is a flower. That, having bloomed, the petals will one day fall. Still you guard the next flower, and the next, for there is meaning in the moment of bloom. So you breathe. So potential spirals, like seeds floating on the wind. One breath. Barely a whisper. Nothing more than that. And for such a thing, the gift of infinity. Always, always, you look on with hope.

Obviously as opposed to Winnowing, there is Gardening. I believe this is the Traveler's POV, primarily because it's told in second person, which is typical for the Traveler. Also because of everything is says and how it ends. Like an opposite of the previous entry. What a banger to end the whole book with, both of these side by side. Again, probably new lore coming in the future, or maybe just for this book? These could honestly be grimoire-exclusive, but who knows. Much to think about, much to look forward to.

It's a really good grimoire. They all are honestly, if you can grab these physical books, I highly recommend them. This is one is really nice because it also has several entries that are otherwise locked to collector's editions and it comes with all of this new stuff as well. The illustrations are, as always, peak.

Hope y'all enjoy this, especially the new stuff.

[fallinglikemagic]

Okay, now that everybody's had some time to process and gotten some of the doomposting out, here's my thoughts on the whole situation.

First of all, I'm not really worried about whether or not RWBY will continue in some capacity. It's uncertain, sure, but no more than it was already. In February we got the update that they were talking to potential partners about getting volume 10 made, so clearly they weren't just relying on Rooster Teeth and Warner Brothers for it - maybe one of those companies will pick it up, maybe a different company will, either way I'm sure it *will* be picked up by somebody and unless they get real unlucky, the show won't be much worse off than it was before - if anything it might be better off, considering that WB have been shitty about animation for quite a while now (if you're not already familiar and you're up for some extra research, I recommend looking into the Coyote vs ACME situation that's been going on recently for a great example of WB's bullshit). And while it's unclear exactly how much involvement the original crew will have in the show's future, I'm pretty optimistic about it. I doubt the writers are going to let go of creative control without a fight, if for nothing else then for Monty - I don't like focusing too much on the whole Monty's Legacy stuff in general, but I do think that the crew are going to want to keep their friend's work alive and authentic and as accurate to what he wanted it to be as possible. None of this is a certainty of course, but I think RWBY is gonna be fine, things will just be kinda rocky for a bit.

With all that being said, while this may end up ultimately being a blessing in disguise for RWBY as a franchise, it sure ain't one for everybody who worked at Rooster Teeth. This entire situation is still horrible - so many people being fired on the spot, effective immediately, with no warning and with several of them only finding out by seeing articles about it being posted on Twitter, it's fucked. I know Rooster Teeth wasn't exactly lacking in controversy and problematic behaviour, to put it lightly, but there were still plenty of amazing people there who are now in a really shitty situation. On top of that, while again this isn't exactly anything new, especially for WB, it is the latest instance of a huge problem in the animation and entertainment industries. So no matter how things pan out for RWBY, we should still be really fucking mad about this.

And we definitely shouldn't be celebrating. I've seen some posts saying "good riddance" and celebrating RT's downfall, not just from people who hate RWBY (I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure the hatedom is out in full force but that's not the kind of thing I'm referring to right now), but people who like/used to like the show and just hated the company. And don't get me wrong, I didn't like a lot of things about the company either, I've actually been wanting RWBY to separate itself from RT for a pretty long time (be careful what you wish for I guess 💀), but there's a time and a place and this certainly ain't it. Plenty of people who have worked there have said that they loved their jobs, plenty of others said it was horrible and toxic and nightmarish, but either way a job is a job and in this industry work isn't always easy to find, especially in recent years. Celebrate in private if you want, but now is not the damn time to be bringing out the cake and confetti.

TLDR; I'm cautiously optimistic about RWBY's future, I'm pretty sure it'll be fine and they'll be able to keep the core crew to at least some extent, but this is still a really bad situation for everybody who just lost their jobs, don't be a dick.

[theeternalwombtarot]

what’s going on in your friendships

message: friendships and close personal relationships have been a significant thing in my life as of late. I have the tendency to self-isolate in order to remain untriggered because I can't control my environment the way I wish I could when other energies are involved. I've never been super outgoing or social, I enjoy conversation but on my own terms and I'm highly selective about the company I keep and how I choose to share my energy with the world. But, you have to be a whole other level of healed in order to remain energetically grounded where your circumstances or environment are eating away at you. When I have close personal relationships they consume me because I am always so heavily devoted or emotionally involved and so they have the capacity to disarm me or put me in hard places when things go wrong or when something is triggering. I've decided to do this reading in order to give the collective insight on what's going on in their friendships and hopefully give some guidance on what needs to be improved or worked on. Enjoy.

-

I.

There's an energy here about either you or people you were friends with or are friends with carrying the energy of past resentment. In your energy there's an energy of friendship(s) being a touchy subject or something that you've separated yourself from entirely due to bad situations or experiences. In other energies outside of yours, there could be someone or even a few people who hold ill energy towards you or have negative perceptions of you based on a falling out or you outgrowing them. There's energy of betrayal or someone revealing themselves to you or double-crossing you and you having to turn inwards or go into hermit mode in order to recover and swearing off friendships or become more opposed or narrowing your scope for what is acceptable in your friendships. Someone had high expectations already but they're even higher now. I'm listening to the song "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. She says in the song, "I've died 100 times." someone has been burned a lot or has a very extensive painful history in close relationships both platonic and romantic that require trust and respect to be equal and held at high regard.

Someone had a friend who was troubled or had a tendency to mess things up for themselves or be deceptive or throw stones and hide their hands I'm hearing. Pile one you may have developed a thing for the underdog or in the past had a subconscious pull to people who had heavy trauma-filled backgrounds or carried with them a lot of karmic energy or karmic behaviors and cycles. This may have been a theme for the vast majority of your close personal relationships for the past couple of years. You constantly ran into people who didn't value themselves and therefore didn't know your value and people who would always have an internal tendency to not know what they'd lost until you'd walked away from them. You may have had to make a difficult decision here that resulted in you letting go of several friends and/ or lovers or significant people in your life that you carried on your back for the past couple of years. You learn lessons primarily through people and relationships and you eventually outgrew or broke out of karmic cycles and behaviors and you had to decide whether or not you wanted a new beginning or not.

You may currently feel a lot of grief or be in the process of mourning past versions of yourself or past versions of your life and the people who were in it although you're done with them now. There's healing that needs to be addressed regarding betrayal and heartbreak regarding your friendships and relationships. Right now you are in a state of recovery here, I'm seeing imagery of someone in a deep sleep or in a comatose like state like sleeping beauty or something, the body has the ability to heal or recover faster through sleep, you may feel somewhat unresponsive towards people coming towards you seeking friendships or companionship.

You're deciding what it is you want in a friendship and doing what you can possible to come into alignment with what that looks like, you've essentially had to start from scratch or build your life and yourself up again from the ground up. You have nothing left from the life you used to live. You've had to and are in the process of manifesting everything that you desire. You are no longer in a state of your life or on the chronological divine timeline where you are having to live with the cards you are dealt and make the best of it or learn the right lessons for what you are given. You have essentially aged out of and graduated out of the divine's guardianship over you as a spiritual minor. Now it's your choice what it is you get to have, what you get to make, what you wanna see, what you wanna put up with, and with whom.

-

II.

You could feel called to power through and carry on even though you could be experiencing or have experienced significant hardship in your friendships. You may have a tendency to suppress your emotions regarding loss or you have remained in survival mode for years at a time so much so you may be someone who is always in autopilot or doesn't stop too often to process loss in full even if you're a heavily emotionally driven individual who needs time for recovery and needs time to heal so that you can thrive. I just heard someone's a water sign but operates like an earth sign to keep up appearances or maintain a hard exterior or escape the symptoms that come with heartbreak or grief. like if you can imagine the spectral difference between Cancer and Capricorn as a moon sign placement. You may carry a mindset that the entire world has always been against you or that you're not a particularly popular individual wherever it is you reside.

People may make up stories about you, spread rumors, some people fear you heavily while on the other side of the spectrum others may believe you're a coward or deserve to be mistreated or beat down as much as possible. People don't know who you are or know your heart due to some circumstances that were outside of your control and some that were. By the time you'd established or came to terms with the fact that you wanted to be around others, felt isolated, or felt scared and mistreated it was too late because people already had such large negative perspectives and opinions about you. I just heard "you think I want to be like this?" someone has been alienated or is treated like an abomination or as though they are unacceptable. You may also find you have a hard time networking or accessing opportunities you feel you'd have rights to if not for your reputation, not even just work opportunities, social ones as well, people don't want to be around you or people have a tendency to reject you or you feel you aren't able to reach people you love fully due to a lack of self worth or a skewed perception of yourself.

You've lost hope of profound connection within your friendships (you could've had a close friend before that you held onto past a healthy point or even throughout their betrayal or mistreatment of you due to the fact that you felt like if you released them you'd face eternal loneliness. I'm hearing this person could've exploited you for your resources or used you or subjected you to some sort of abuse repeatedly and you didn't/couldn't hold them accountable only the two of you know about this or people know but it's not a well spread secret. I'm hearing this person could've also potentially r*ped, s*xually assaulted you or used you to experiment or fill the void of their own loneliness and desperation.) You could've also potentially lost a romantic connection or loss hope in prospect of love as well or you may have convinced yourself you'll end up unmarried or in short term surface level relationships for the rest of your life.

You could have this large tendency to be so resistant of change whether it's for the best or not or whether it's gonna be in your best interest or not and this has worked against you. You have wounds that have been left open and are gaping because you refuse to stop and get help or allow yourself to heal and recover. You have things that need to be said that won't ever be at your own hand. You won't allow yourself to have anything because other people decided you shouldn't have anything. You could be so happy and so free of spiritual and emotional burden if you would just allow yourself to heal and do the inner work. Return to any avenues and paths you've left unpaved or any loose ends you've left untied and clean up things in order to free yourself. You may have to come to terms with the fact that not everything can be mended, reconciled, or redelivered back to you in the way you want or within the time frame you desire though pile two. You aren't the only person on the planet contrary to your beliefs, the people who were on it with you who you shared your energy with or who you shared your energy with have their own reservations, their own stories or versions of what happened whether they are truthful or not.

-

III.

You have an unnatural allegiance to losers and it's unlike you. You may have a tendency to make friends or make connections out of necessity or out of fear of loneliness. You are what you attract, you may have a tendency to constantly fall back into karmic cycles or run around in circles in terms of life lessons. you're someone who takes a long time to learn things you need to learn. You could be an air sign or a water sign. You have the tendency to take a lot of short cuts or do things to try and make yourself have an easier time assimilating or blending in after years of rejection from personal places or have people and places that large significance in your life or things you spent a lot of time around, peers at school, parents, siblings, family. You can also have a tendency to be impressionable you might have picked up a lot of nasty habits or behavioral patterns or karmic ties due to the type of people you choose to be around and attract. There's something here about your spirit being young or you being someone who has a tendency to act out or has a difficult time making their own decisions including responsible ones or doing what's best for you when it needs to be done.

You have a parent or parents who play a huge role in the way you process situations and carry yourself in general. You weren't taught or raised up to be an adult or aren't/weren't offered the proper tools to build a sense of self that was adequate for someone who needed to navigate in this world. I just heard the words "hurt people hurt people" you may have the tendency to self destruct and in turn be destructive to others. You carry with you either a lot of guilt or on the far end of the spectrum a large lack of accountability and willing ignorance about the part you played in conflicts or how your actions may have effected someone or a situation. You're constantly feeling very stagnant, burnt out, drained or low on energy and a lot of this is reflective of some of your choices, your choices in company, your behavioral patterns, karmic cycles and even potentially addictions if you've picked up any vices that you should've stayed far away from.

You may be in a place in your relationships where you're at a crossroads about if you should trust your intuition and the divines organization of change and chaos and move forward or do the right thing and allow yourself to fully outgrow and separate from people, things, places, etc. you've carried with you or collected along the way for fear of loss. Behaviors and karmic cycles and habits as well. I say relationships instead of just friendships because you have a tendency to make bad decisions in both your romantic and platonic relationships and connections and your karma is coming at you from both ends. There's fear here though regarding letting go. The deeper issue or root cause of this need to collect things comes from fear of abandonment, being disliked or perceived negatively or not being able to control the feeling you may feel about not having anyone to fall back onto/into.

You could've lost a friend or a person of value that you pushed away or that woke up to something or had some sort of truth revealed to them about you and actions you may have had a habit of committing to behind their back in regards to them. This person won't reconcile with you or you know that anyone of value that you lost along the way or anyone who may bring you solace has walked away. But, spirit has set your revelation or your healing process or tower moment up this way for you so that you have the chance to fully and wholeheartedly see what is going on or what needs to be done. I just heard "you're so far removed from source." The only way out is through and there might be a lot of grief that you may have to receive or make your way through before you can come out the other end changed and in alignment with what needs to be done or what's in store for you. You need to heal or come back into alignment. I'm getting imagery of someone detoxing or withdrawal from drugs or alcohol. this could be something you may have to actually experience or a figurative representation of what the process of healing and recuperation may look like for you because there is a lot that needs to be purged.

But, after all of this, if you do the inner work, there is promised stability and alignment for you.

-

channeled song for this reading:

[sephirthoughts]

Unpopular opinion ask game: 💛

(from this ask game)

💛: What is a popular ship you just can't get behind, and why?

Oh there are ever so many. i usually keep my mouth shut because i don't want to yuck anyone's yums or draw aggro from crusaders, but this is an unpopular opinion game sooooo

WARNING: UNFILTERED OPINIONS UNDER THE CUT

The one that i think burns my ass the worst is Cloud/Tifa, mostly because the game and fandom tries so hard to shove it down our throats. In the FF7 games, there is this blatant assumption all through the narrative that "of course the player is into this girl" which instantly makes me rebel against anything in any game, especially when it's heteronormative bullshit.

cyberpunk was the worst, when they tried to force me to like that leatherfaced blow-up-doll panam, who was so egregiously written by misogynist cismales, that i nearly quit the game. the grossly overt assumption the game made that i the (obviously cishet male) player would automatically be into her led to me abandoning her dirt nomad questline and never going back. i checked later, they just stand around in the desert waiting forever if you don't go back.

the problem with tifa is very similar. hetshippers always like to try and carve out a moral highground for their "canon" ship, by acting like it's misogynist not to like the female love interest in a game. i have news for you, babes, i don't have to eat garbage just because it's labeled organic.

a female character designed and written in a lazy, misogynist way is the same. consuming that fictional relationship uncritically is not something i am required to do, nor will i. the women in final fantasy games, for the most part, are badly written, terribly designed artifacts of a time when women were just objects and that was ok to say out loud. they're hardly even trying to hide it, now, but at least they are a little.

my theory on tifa's design is that the otaku devs had never seen a girl irl and when they tried to make one, what they came up with was a pair of massive tits and the personality of a wad of dryer lint. then they gave her some tossed together martial arts to justify why she's following cloud around taking up a party slot, instead of staying at home minding the children and elderly like a good girl.

also the business with her and aerith seeming to get catty and jealous over cloud several times (which they mercifully cut from remake) is such revoltingly juvenile and misogynist writing, it's almost funny. almost.

honestly the whole romance they are pushing between cloud and tifa is revoltingly juvenile and misogynist, since she's a personality-free prize for the male hero, not to mention homophobic, since it primarily seems to function as a beard, so sephiroth and cloud don't seem too gay (MISSION FAILED).

Cloud Strife is a character with whom i deeply connected and fully inhabited, and he is not a heterosexual neurotypical male in any way whatsoever. and yet i'm supposed to like seeing him shoved into the blandest wish-fulfillment, 'winning the titted-up tomboy hometown girl as a prize for being awesome' fantasy that some chuuni would've written in the back of their school notebook when they were 11. please.

examined fully, there's literally no reason for the pair to be romantically interested in one another, outside the pervasive and poisonous heterosumption of boy+girl=love. and i know what people are going to say about them being friends, but she doesn't like him. she never does. she likes the idea of the person she thinks he should be, and persistently tries to force him to become, throughout the series. she thinks the way he is needs to be fixed, because he's wrong somehow. we can still see it happening in advent children.

that's fine though, because he doesn't like her, either. he kind of remembers her from the past. that's all. he does not have the capacity to form that kind of attachment, when they first reconnect, and by the time he could form a meaningful connection with someone (circa advent children), he's already been fully railroaded into the domesticated role everyone has decided he's supposed to be in, and she is reduced to a nagging wife, by the writers. he is very clearly unhappy, and it's not because of sephiroth.

last but not least, is the lack of any kind of romantic tension between them. there is more chemistry between cloud and biggs, than cloud and tifa. hell there's more chemistry between cloud and those alley cats. it's very clearly a manufactured relationship for the sake of gratifying the decreasingly cishetmale player base of yesteryear.

in conclusion, cloud x tifa is the cold oatmeal of ships and i just want to spit it out yack

[cerastes]

Hey. It's been a while. I think it's right to update you on stuff so tl;dr I'm probably not going to be around for some time, and if I am, it'll be in a diminished capacity, but if you're interested, do check under the cut. I'll also immediately state that I am not in any dangerous situation, it's other stuff, but I'll immediately dispel that before the cut just in case you just wanted to know that in particular.

Let's talk for a bit.

Long story short, the economy here is in shambles. The idea was for me to already have a new job, but that's not gone according to plan. I've been eating into my savings for a while now, and the people that told me that I had a job lined up for me September or at the latest October, meaning, this month, have been ghosting me. It seems to not be an option anymore, and no explanation was ever given to me. A shame, because it came from a place of relative trust.

This has eaten away at my nerves somewhat, and though it is the month of my birthday, I can't help but notice that, between the economy being this bad here, how hard it's been to land another job, and the fact that I'm eating into my savings, well, it's got me more than a bit worried. I'm not in any immediate danger of losing the roof over my head, or starving, or anything like that, but after a few months of "well, my savings take yet another hit this month with no end in sight", it's been rather rough, you'll understand, and it's compounded a bit. For just a second, and not as a primary, secondary, or even tertiary plan, more like a twenty-eighth measure if anything, I did entertain the dark idea of maybe asking for a bit of help here, and the moment that thought came up, I realized, "Ok, this is truly and well affecting me, I never want to do that", because, again, it's not like I'm in any immediate danger of homelessness or anything that grave, but it's been weighting on me enough that, even as a distant glint in the horizon of an idea, I did consider it. I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own horn here, but for over a decade that I've had this blog, and the community/following/whatever you want to call it that has grown around it, I've never once asked for something like monetary help, because I think that can be a slippery slope. I've seen people far bigger than me, and some smaller, too, get addicted to asking for donations or help, or simply start taking it for granted when they ask for such a thing. My friends will tell you I writhe in agony when I receive a gift such as a game or something over the mail. My logic is that I don't need it, not in a proud way, but rather, in a "I wish you would spend this money on yourself instead, or on someone that truly needed it". With this in mind, I realized that, for me to even slightly consider that as an option, for the first time in my life, it meant that it was biting away at me far, far more severely than I thought. It's translated to other parts of my life as of late; I've not been depressed or anything, but I've felt this itch, this remarkably implacable feeling of "my man, you don't deserve to be taking it easy right now, something has to change, progress needs to be made".

I went out to wander for a few days, then arrived at my cousin's farm. He and his wife live a humble, hard working life, he invited me to stay for a while, I accepted, it was real nice, we hanged out, went exploring creeks and mountainsides while knocking back a few beers, the whole shebang for two guys that grew up in the middle of nowhere. Anyhow, it's true that the whole exposition that was the previous paragraph is something at play, but I also just... Haven't really wanted to be online at all. I don't want to check anything, read anything, and I feel a deep sense of alienation that I've not really felt in a long time. I suppose this is one of those good ol' Bro Is Going Through It, if we're to summarize it in a few words. It's easy for me to dispel negative thoughts and bounce back normally, because I've done a great deal of personal building and homework on knowing myself inside out, but not even this black belt in Drimobrain has helped this time around, and well, it bothers me, obviously, bwahaha. It's the first time in a few years that I really sincerely do not understand what's up with me, and while it's not really something I would consider me being rock bottom or anywhere near those depths, I do think I'm still below surface level, which is something I don't admit to easily, but have no choice to. I would love to be able to give this malaise shape and firmness through written or spoken word, but right now, it's a work in progress.

What bothers me the most is the sense of alienation I spoke of before: It makes no sense for me to feel this way, I'm treated with love and kindness every day, no one's silencing me in any way, I don't deal with barbs or hostility. So why is it that that's how I feel? Or perhaps it's something that feels similar, but I've no clue what it is, so I'm compounding it with alienation?

Regardless, it's all compounded into me just... Not wanting to be online. In the words of a friend of mine, "Dreamer has a fetish for self-development and growth", and, well, yeah, she's got that right despite the wording, I like to feel as if I'm improving every day and becoming better every day, even if slightly, and right now I feel like I'm just degenerating. Is it because my mood has been sour overall? Maybe. It might as well just be the fact that I Just Don't Want To Be Online For A While, and capricious clown that I am, if I want to do something, I do it, and if I don't want to do something, I don't do it. I'm tied to nothing and no one except my desire and drive to do or not do things. I can't change that, nor do I want to change that. And in this case, my heart's said to me, "fuck going online, go out, do things, try to get a job".

I also almost got recruited into something fucking vile that I thankfully noticed in time to avoid, but that's a story for another time.

There you have it. Am I leaving the internet/blue website forever? No, of course not, I like it here. Are things hard right now? They are, to be honest. Are they the worst it could be? Not at all. Do I have complete clarity of what's up with this fog inside of my head? No, and that bother me quite a bit. Are things going to be alright? Yeah, I think they will be.

I do regret it's in October of all months that this is going on, because it's where my shitposting power is at its apex due to my birthday, but hey, things happen, not necessarily for a reason, but they can be handled in such a way that it gives them meaning. I'm a fervent believer in that. I'm sorry this isn't the update you may have been hoping for, full of Lucina cosplayer blowjobs and other such hijinks, but hey, they can't all be Rainbow Road, haha.

So in case we don't see each other for a while, I hope you're all doing fine and dandy. I'm alive, I'm trying to be well, and most importantly, most fundamentally, most quintessentially,

I stay silly.

[dsudis]

A Worthy Gift

Another Dreamling @domaystic story! Today's prompt was "Handmade Gift."

Especially since naming him a friend and accepting his invitation to visit more often, Dream was careful not to intrude upon Hob's dreams, including his daydreams. Still, it was impossible not to know when he personally was dreamed or daydreamed about--a rare occurrence, for few dreamers knew him so well, and none but Hob Gadling took such an interest in him.

Hob had been daydreaming about him particularly intensely for the last several days, and while Dream did not let himself be aware of the content of those daydreams, he recognized the pattern. This was the anxious circling and re-circling of some sort of intense dilemma.

Dream... could imagine what the dilemma might be, but it was altogether too likely that he was projecting his own wishes onto Hob. Probably it was something else altogether, something Dream had never thought of. Humans in general and Hob Gadling in particular had an infinite capacity to surprise, and Dream told himself again and again not to try to guess.

Still, when Hob descended into a very intense bout of this circling, repetitive daydreaming at a time when Dream could tell he was at home alone in his flat, Dream decided to put them both out of their misery. He stepped out of the Dreaming and into Hob's flat, just inside the front door.

It was morning, and there was no immediate sign of Hob.

Dream took another step inside and realized the shower was running.

He ought to have known; showers had become their own field of concentrated daydreaming during his absence from the Dreaming. He had had to create a whole brigade of dreams and nightmares to guide such activities more fruitfully than they were prone to be when dreamers were left to their own devices.

Dream took another step inside. He had to exert a particular effort not to sense the content of Hob's frantically spinning daydreams at such close range when they were so loud.

It was, he thought, not the shape of a sexual fantasy; it didn't have that rhythm.

It was something much more... material. Dream glanced around and realized that the threads of the daydreams of the last several day were echoing in the space around a particular object, one almost hidden from him by that intense daydream energy.

Dream walked over to it, irresistibly curious to know what item could have been inspiring such a flurry of daydreams from Hob, and discovered...

A black bag, with tufts of black tissue paper rising from it.

A gift.

There was no special occasion in the offing; they had never exchanged gifts before. Hob was punctilious in offering food and drink every time Dream called upon him now, and Dream generally accepted them in accordance with the ancient customs of hospitality. He almost never actually ate or drank what he was given beyond a token nibble or sip.

He had never thought of Hob wanting to offer him something beyond the customary. If he did...

There were simply too many possibilities to guess at, and Dream stood there, absorbed in his own daydreams, until he heard Hob say, "Oh, bugger."

Dream looked up to see Hob dressed only in boxer shorts, his hair still sleekly wet, looking rueful but not unhappy.

"Have I come at a bad time?" Dream asked.

Hob heaved a sigh and came toward him. "No, now's as good a time as any, and I suppose the 'pretend I never had this idea' option is off the table now."

"I am... quite intrigued," Dream admitted, looking toward the little black bag again.

"It was just... a thought I had. I was a bit drunk and... well, you'll see. If you hate it you can just bin it and we can pretend I never--"

Hob's nervous flow of words cut off as Dream tugged the tissue paper out of the bag and reached inside to draw out...

A mug.

It was a very pretty mug, as mugs went, glazed in a deep glittering black.

Dream turned the mug to see if there was some witty slogan on the other side--World's Okayest Friend, perhaps, to match the mug he had seen Hob use emblazoned with World's Okayest Professor--and instead nearly dropped the mug at the sight of his ruby, deep liquid-shining red and swimming with dreams.

He blinked a few times and realized that it was, of course, not his ruby at all, but a representation of it composed of layers of beautifully translucent red glaze. The dreams he could feel in it were Hob's.

Hob had painted this mug, while thinking of him. Wishing to give him a gift that would represent something important, something so powerful within him that it could not help being captured by this mere physical object.

Dream dragged his gaze from the mug to Hob, who had wrapped his arms around his middle and was biting his lip in obvious anxiety. "I... I was out with some friends at this ceramic-painting thing, and I wanted you to have a mug for when I make you tea. Not that I've found any you'll actually drink, but I... I want you to know that you belong here, that the tea's not just politeness. I just... want to give you something, and I was thinking of you and how to represent you and I know you don't even have that ruby anymore, but--"

There were limits even to Dream's powers, and he could not keep himself from knowing, while he held the mug in his hands, while Hob was right there radiating fantasies and fears, what dreams had been poured into this object.

Dream set it down with all the care it deserved, and took the two steps required to be face-to-face with Hob, who had to look up at him a bit at close range. He was barefoot, of course, and Dream had his boots on, his coat, a number of layers that felt absurd in this moment.

Hob looked up at him, saying nothing at all, his lips parted, hope just beginning to dawn in his eyes before Dream closed the last of the distance and kissed him.

Hob yielded sweetly to the kiss, his hands coming up to rest on Dream's arms, and when Dream pulled back Hob just looked up at him, as bright and beaming as the first night they'd met, but better. Hob knew who he was looking at now, and still he had that expression of wondering joy.

"Anything will taste sweet to me," Dream said, "when served in a vessel suffused with such dreams of love. And I am partial to white teas, so long as they are not scalded in the steeping."

"Right," Hob said. "Time to buy a fancy kettle right after I--" Hob pushed up onto his tiptoes to kiss Dream again, and neither of them said another word about tea for some time after that.

[This fic is also on Ao3!]

[skiitter]

For @katsitsiyo!

Prompt: Felassan's ghost coming back to haunt Solas while he's sad and pines for Inky.

Regret was a many layered thing, made all the more complex by the seemingly endless stream of his life. Solas wore his collection of contrition like ill-fitting armor; suited for the task, but never good enough to want for. Were it not for the momentous guilt at the part he played in every major tragedy of the past several thousand years, perhaps he'd be bold enough to shrug the weight from his archaic shoulders. As it stood, though, as immovable and implacable as he in the prison of his own design, Solas was a man haunted by the past. And sometimes, when he least desired it, those hauntings took shape and form enough to rub sea salt into the caverns of his wounds.

He stared out across the abyss, to the cliff's edge where Rook always stood. Not for the first time, certainly not for the last, he wished for her to appear, if only to better discern between the mundanity of his imprisonment. All those years alone had apparently dulled his capacity for loneliness.

"It's not Rook that you want to see, Solas." Felassan leaned casually against some ruined epitaph of a forgotten Evanuris.

"Nor is it you, Felassan." Of all the ghosts, Felassan was the most persistent, the most corporeal, such as it was possible in that betwixt place. Were he less prideful, perhaps Solas could appreciate the company his former friend inspired. Such as was his denser nature, however, he could be no less prideful, no matter the want.

"How long you lay at Mythal's side, ever the loyal lapdog," he replied. "And yet, it is a mortal elf that pushes you to break."

"Mythal--"

"Broke you as well, of course," Felassan faded into view just beside him. "But it was for her own selfish desires. This elf, this Lavellan, she breaks you in such a new and beautiful way."

Solas sighed, and closed his eyes.

"How long have you been at this, old friend?" he asked. "How long have you marshaled this crusade of revenge, of guilt, for actions forced from you out of love and devotion?" Felassan's voice was so casual for the venom within his words.

"You were not there, you do not know what it was like, the desperation we felt," Solas insisted. "We had no other choice. Mythal had--"

"Mythal took a spirit of wisdom and forced him to see the value in war. It is not her name that echoes through that wound you call a heart, Solas. You cannot lie to me, not here, not anymore."

"What would you have me say, Felassan? That I am flawed, that I have made mistakes, that it was foolish and cruel of me to take what I would never, ever be able to return?" Solas spat, just as poisonous, just as cold. "Ellana--Inquisitor Lavellan is another regret, same as all the rest."

Felassan's laugh echoed through the void, mocking him. "You cannot lie to yourself either, Fen'Harel. Were that the case, you'd have ripped the veil from this world without hesitation. You'd have slain those wicked siblings of yours and set loose upon the world all that is the powerful and the divine." He stepped out over the edge, and Solas opened his eyes. "You'd have granted her final request, that moment there, in the Crossroads. You are loyal to Mythal, Solas, because you are a wolf scratching at it's master's door begging to be fed."

Solas flinched, knowing the words even as they came.

"But you are in love with Ellana because you are a man on his knees, begging to be seen."

[manifestingnoobie]

The Law at work without me realizing at the time

When I started college just after graduating high school, I underwent a lot of trauma and suffered severe, major depression. I felt alone in my old social circle and left them behind and became a loner. In addition, my then best friend at the time didn't feel like a real friend to me and anyway, I had a lot of issues moving forward coping with loneliness, lack of dreams, goals, or aspirations, and just that entire experience regarding my former circle instilled a deep scar in me to the point of developing (unconsciously) what felt like depersonalization or disassociation.

ANYWAY, so my main issues, I kept feeling really numb, empty, and indifferent and my memories feel like they're not mine. I felt like I had no capacity to love others, much less myself and felt like I just can't seem to feel anything. Around that time, I later got into spirituality and things like angels and angel numbers, which kick started my faith.

Eventually, from time to time I would remind myself nothing lasts forever, but to be more specific, I would tell myself that someday I will love and feel deeply again. I battled days where I don't understand how I'm alive or why. But I held the knowing someday I will love, feel, and see color to my life again.

I didn't do some crazy shit like shift to a whole different reality overnight, BUT IT STILL HAPPENED FROM PERSISTING.

There are people who suffer from debilitating major depression for years where one could think they could never get out of it, but I got out of it all from a simple belief and a choice to persist despite daily thoughts surrounding the point to my own life.

TAKEAWAYS:

● You don't need to be happy, positive, etc. 24/7 to manifest your desire.

● It's okay to react to the 3D as long as you persist.

● Living in the wish fulfilled doesn't have to mean you're acting as if you already have it, do you think I was trying to fake being happy or that everything's okay when it's not? What matters is the knowing. I held and persisted in the belief it's going to change and what was happening in the 3D didn't matter. Just from that, creation was finished and had no choice but to eventually reflect in the 3D.

[soullikethesea]

Not getting needs met.

I'm doing a lot of things that feel really helpful. Yoga was definitely good for me. It's one of the rare moments in life when I feel taken care of. It means a lot.

I'm trying to connect more socially, but I notice that I find it really difficult in daily life to get "cared for" by other people in my daily life. I think I find it scary to ask for, so I try to take care of them and hope they will reciprocate.

In the last few days I've tried to reach out to several friends, who in turn completely ignored what I shared and turned the conversation to be about them 100%. I get that everyone has needs and they probably also have those unmet needs, but it also feels sad. I had the repetitive thought that I'm probably "going to a hardware store to get oranges" again - asking people who can't help me, who can't be there for me.

In my job I'm able to be there for people and it's natural to not receive care in return. Some basic respect; yes. Care; no. Sometimes I can get a bit of compassion fatigue when it's been too much for too long.

But now I guess that kind of compassion fatigue is happening in my IRL friendships. I don't need a lot. I definitely don't want things to be about me all the time. But sometimes? Yes, sometimes it would be nice if someone can listen and connect and care.

I feel like a bad person for it, but it feels hurtful when I share something and I get zero response. And sometimes my unmet needs gnaw on me and I get triggered by things that I might be fine with if my cup was a bit more full. For example, depression friend who wrote that she was overwhelmed and wouldn't be able to come - and then wrote that another friend gave her a really good peptalk and she'd be able to come after all. I don't think I'd want to get peptalks and I wouldn't be comfortable relying on other people to the point that I wouldn't be able to motivate myself. But I wish that, sometimes, I could be helped and not helping.

T said that I've been investing and investing and investing for years now and it's time to "harvest" a bit more. I feel that. My whole nervous system is specialized in investing and I don't know how to "harvest". There's so much potential there - friendships just waiting to be fostered. I just hope I picked the right people, who actually have the capacity to reciprocate sometimes.

[borrelia]

frontiers dlc cutscene simulator:

amy: we CANT let ANYONE DOWN!! sonic and the koco are COUNTING ON US i'll do ANYTHING to protect them!!! i love everyone so much im gonna BREAK SOMETHING!!

knuckles: grr i love to hit things. i love to dig in the dirt. i love to punch things WITH MY FISTS! and break things WITH MY FISTS! aww is poor widdwe sonic tired? aww too bad you have to do your little platforming boohoo Grow Up. tails, kid, you are doing amazing no notes. amy. would you like to break some things with me. with my FISTS 👊💪💪👊💥💪💥💥👊

tails: uwa i don't know if i can do this... but i have to.. but i dont know if i can.. everyone is counting on me im the Most Important guy here.. sonic don't worry about me i can handle myself. also did you know that these islands have incredible capacity to harness emerald power. by my calculations 🤓 i've hacked the mainframe.

eggman: mmyes. sonics stupid friend and his girl friend and his very scary little fox friend and also sonic. can you even appreciate that some of the set dressing on this island used to be a highway powered by emerald energy harnessed by ancient spaceships which btw are buried underground so you cant see them but theyre there. i wish i had a spaceship. i could do so much evil with that kind of power.

sonic: yooooo sup amy. tails. things are getting pretty rough, you doing alright? you are both so cool, i know youre gonna do amazing things💗. hey Treasure Hunter. seems like im better at finding the emeralds than you, Treasure Hunter. HA! eat my dust--im gonna go fall off that tower 20 more times. btw i wonder whats up with this building. can someone real quick explain what it does in 5 paragraphs or more?

sage: we are running out of time. you must find the emeralds or we will have success rate of zero percent. but since you asked. this building was a facility designed to stockpile or store grain. In the grain trade, the term "grain elevator" also describes a tower containing a bucket elevator or a pneumatic conveyor, which scoops up grain from a lower level and deposits it in a silo or other storage facility. In most cases, the term "grain elevator" also describes the entire elevator complex, including receiving and testing offices, weighbridges, and storage facilities. It may also mean organizations that operate or control several individual elevators, in different locations. i would also like to drop some casual race science into this conversation. do not worry about it.

[xjulixred45x]

Suguru Geto x Disabled! Reader

Sinopsis: Geto's S/o is a Disabled Non-Sorcerer

Reader: Neutral/Female

Genre: Headcanons

Warnings:small divergence from Canon at the end, friends to lovers, soft Geto, Reader is DISABLED (Which type of disability will not be specified, but it is one that makes mobility difficult, which could be using crutches, lack of limbs, wheelchair, etc. I will try to be vague about it, to cover as much as possible), Reader gets to receive BULLYING (NOT FROM GETO! Japanese society is considered very inclusive and everything, but people with disabilities don't have a very good time), some Soft yandere Geto? More like how he would act if something like that really happens in canon, Angst with Fluff. LONG POST

okay, I figured that you and Geto could probably be either 1- neighbors or 2- having gone to the same school (before being a Sorcerer obviously).

Be that as it may, Geto has known you for a long time, since you were young he remembers to give you a hand when you couldn't on your own (whether pushing your wheelchair/reaching for your crutches).

He always felt that he naturally gravitated towards you, he thought it was because of his belief that Non-Sorcerers needed protection, and in your case it was more serious, because of your disability, he felt that he had to take care of you.

but he soon realized that that wasn't really the reason, because despite your cadences, you were really capable, you were smart, creative, you had a good academic and even motor level, so he felt calmer in some way, knowing that he wanted to be with you to Bc of YOU in general.

Thus a beautiful friendship was born.

Geto was a very fun friend to have around, especially because, in general, he was very attentive so that you didn't feel left out.

It was like that even when they were little, if there was a game where you couldn't play, he would change it so you could be in it too. Translated to today, if he saw that his teammates were leaving you aside, he would intervene to assert yourself.

God forbid someone made a bad comment about your disability around him☠️

Geto didn't tolerate that shit.

For the same reason, when he went to Jujustu High, he was a little worried that you didn't have anyone who had as much experience helping you as he did, although at that moment you reassured him and wished him luck in his "new school".

...yes, at first you didn't really know what Jujutsu High was, you always had the feeling that Geto had certain strange qualities, but you just thought he was eccentric.

(Geto definitely ate several curses that tried to get closer to you or your home over the years)

Although Geto helped you with what you will need, he also wanted you to do things on your own so that you could have more capacity and generally feel more "normal" so to speak. obviously things that wouldn't make you uncomfortable.

That's why you had a lot of confidence in yourself, even when he left, it was another reason why I thought you would be fine without him. that someone else might be able to take care of you.

and at first, everything seemed to be going well! You continued going to high school, getting weekly updates from Geto (whether in person or via text), and everything felt almost unchanged. except that...

You realized that, apart from Geto, no one else dared to talk to you now. It wasn't even because you didn't try, people saw you (with a strange expression) and said goodbye immediately.

and you tried MANY times, again, and again, and again, and again, but always the same, they saw you and walked away in a hurry, with that expression on their faces.

That was your story during the first part of the year, where you also identified the feeling behind those faces.

disgust.

"It's normal" they used to say when you complained to someone "if you can't keep up with others, they'll leave you behind or you'll isolate yourself, you're not trying hard enough."

That just made you feel worse obviously.

but you didn't dare to share that part with Geto, not when you saw each other and he was so happy to see you and tell you about his classmates (normal classmates, apparently), especially a "Satoru" who always appeared in his anecdotes, it was nice to see him this happy.

You didn't dare to break his bubble with your "meaningless problems" so you only talked about the academic part and things at home, and he believed it.

In a way, these outings were what helped you stay sane, because the loneliness of the first year was overwhelming.

but the second year was worse. much worse.

They already knew that you wouldn't do much against isolation, so they took a step further, aggression.

At first they were typical comments from someone ignorant (not necessarily malicious) but they escalated to hurtful jokes and more unpleasant comments as time went by.

although at least one or two people took pity on your situation and started helping you when you had problems with your disability (previously, most of the time only teachers did it). and you talked about them as "friends" (although they were barely acquaintances) when you hung out with Geto, thus managing to elude his radars for another year.

that's what you thought, Although Geto began to notice certain changes in your attitude in the second year, he thought that maybe these "friends" could be toxic friends, which made him ask you out more often.

You even got to meet his teammates! Satoru and Shoko. Although you felt that they were leaving some things... out of the conversations, they were fun, especially Gojo, you understood why Geto was so delighted with him.

Even at one point when Geto left them alone with you, they continued talking to you about the most normal things, even joking that Geto talked about you every now and then at school, as if they were insinuating something...

but Geto returned before they continued with that.

Does anyone remember that scene where Geto and Gojo are riding a bike together? They'd probably try that on you, with a LOT of precautions Obviously, but you'll get it done somehow (is this even physically possible? Don't ask) and WOW it's almost like flying.

this would happen a couple more times in the second year, while you weren't even HALF as close to Shoko and Gojo as Geto, they were definitely good people that you enjoyed hanging out with. almost friends, so to speak.

While things at your own school weren't getting better, but at least they weren't trying anything besides verbal bullying, a part of you feels like you should have expected it.

Your family was not happy about this, they were much more aware of your situation, but since there was no physical damage, they couldn't do much, and you didn't want to waste their time.

The bullying would continue even if you changed schools, you knew it. they knew it.

At least you still had Geto and that helped you cope with everything.

That was until the third year, where everything went to hell.

That was the first thing Geto noticed.

He decided to be honest with what he did at Jujutsu High, even if he didn't give all the information, now everything made MUCH more sense, it's the first thing you remember from that year.

The third year was a blur, what started as typical school bullying turned into direct physical violence and more direct grievances.

hide your things, throw them in the trash, shake you and pull your hair, make rounds to push you, pinch you until you cry, hit you with a ruler-

Everything escalated so quickly that your family decided halfway through the year that you would no longer go to school, but instead study at home.

How so, you never told Geto this, mostly because you only let him tell how he was doing lately and if he asked, you would just tell him some family drama story.

This time he didn't buy it from you.

And to make matters worse, your relatives accidentally spilled the beans on HIS parents.

There was no escape, you had to tell him.

and surprisingly he wasn't mad at you. not at all.

Rather, he was angry that he didn't ask more deeply, knowing that there were holes in your story, and maybe help you through the whole process.

but he settled for comforting you and giving you a hand now that you would be more within reach than before.

If your family had some business to attend to and couldn't take care of you, Geto would offer. Obviously they were skeptical at first, but they realized very quickly that there was nothing to worry about.

Those days it would practically just be the two of you doing things like kids your age, playing some games, watching trash TV, taking a break from the outside world.

Geto also ends up learning even more about your condition to be able to take better care of yourself these days, although he believes that it is best to ask your family for advice since they are the ones who interact with you the most during the day and know best how to treat your specific case.

Although you also care a lot about him, even if you don't fully understand his "job", you don't want him to neglect taking care of you.

You only make him fall even harder, honestly.

If you are even an "unofficial couple" at this point, Geto is very careful with you, in the sense that he does not want the world of Jujustu to reach you in some way.

Maybe that's why he doesn't share much of what he does in Jujutsu High, not only because technically he shouldn't, but because he feels that if he tells you EVERYTHING he would be tarnishing you in some way - it's just that you're so friendly and cute! He wants to keep you always like that!

Then, when he is spiraling down, you are the first to notice and try to talk to him, but at first he seems to avoid you :(

Maybe it doesn't last long (maybe a week) before he comes back (practically running) and apologizes for it, he just can't handle seeing you hurt because of him :'(

He also continues to show worrying behavior, when he talks about the Non-Sorcerer for example, you can see the HATE in his eyes when he talks about them, saying frankly creepy things, only to completely turn around and say that it doesn't include you, you're different, you are good.

You try to talk to Shoko and Gojo but you don't have their contacts, and you honestly don't know if it's a good idea to ask Geto for them in his current state.

and one day... it just happens, the last straw.

and Geto disappears for a time, a time that seems eternal.

and the last thing you remember about it is already being in the cult. without having an idea of how or when, but you were already there.

but...do you feel strangely safe?

As You could, you leave the comfortable room that you wake up and search for any clue that tell you what they hell just happen.

Your family is also with you, but unlike you, they are much more bewildered by the whole situation. Everyone is dressed in strange clothes, well, except for you, you have clothes quite similar to what you wear at home.

When you least realize it, Geto is with you, by your side, asking how you feel (as if he hadn't just fucking kidnapped you all), he's different, you notice, he's much calmer.

although he looks noticeably more irritated when talking to your family (he even goes so far as to call them "monkeys").

and basically explains to them WHY they are all here.

You are an exception to his rule, and your family can stay as long as they take care of you (because he wouldn't even let some stranger or "monkey" take care of your condition).

You don't understand much of what he's talking about, but that seems to be his intention. and is again incredibly gentle when addressing you.

Being with Geto is a delight, even when he's evil, you know he's up to no good, but there's little you can do to stop him. So you do what anyone would do, accept their advantageous situation.

Besides, it's not bad at all.

Geto introduces you to the family, who although they were VERY skeptical of you at first, grew fonder of you much faster than they want to admit.

Except for the twins, they already had you in high regard because of how Geto talked about you.

Now that he has the resources, rest assured that he will get you things to make your condition more manageable (if he doesn't get some Sorcerer who can alleviate the symptoms, but he will still get them for you just in case)

YOU. ARE. SPOILED. ROTTEN. It's not even fun now, before young Geto would have done anything so you could stand on your own or walk towards him, but nowadays it seems like he doesn't even want you to move a muscle. Just stay on his lap and let him pamper you.

That's another thing, it becomes considerably more Clingy. He respect if you don't want to have contact due to sensory overload, but the man is literally SHAKEING when he can't even give you 3 hugs.

You also become more chubby, he insist that you should eat more to be more healty(Even insist on spoon feed you if youre having a Bad day). Maybe he just don't want to see you in a sickly state like in the School days(he still has a Little guilty for that).

Don't misunderstand, if you want to improve your condition, Geto will give you all his support (and that of the family alongside yours, they are your cheerleaders🤣), any progress is an achievement.

Do you know those videos of paraplegic brides who walk to the altar (even if it's with a support)? If you do that with Geto (whether the evil one or Teacher) he will most likely start crying (from happiness and pure love)

Your family went from = completely approving to = HATING HIM WITH ALL THEIR SOUL. Geto is the same, but he realized that it would put you in a bad mood if he referred to them as "monkeys" (at least in front of you), so they made a "Cold War" pact, they only say things to each other when you are not close.

Like:

*You:Go shopping with the twins*

Geto:(make sure youre gone)MONKEYS

Your family: INSANE, LUNATIC, UGLY, KYS--

if we're talking about an AU where Geto doesn't turn evil (aka, free therapy) IT'S ALL FLUFF.

Mimiko and Nanako LOVES YOU!(independent of the AU) and will definitely defend you from any idiot who thinks making fun of you is "fun"

(in canon no one would even dare to look the wrong way in your direction thanks to Geto's protection)

In general he is much more open to letting you do things.

He is still cuddly, but at a "normal" level so to speak, he can die at any moment despite being (along with Satoru) the strongest, so he greatly appreciates the moments with you and the girls.

He often goes with you with Shoko, who becomes something of a close friend of the family.

Gojo makes many many MANY "lovebird" jokes when the two of you are around, or when Geto calls you to check on you, you can hear Gojo mockingly affectionately.

"I'm going to get you a divorce lawyer for your birthday.""fuck you Satoru"

In general, Geto sees you as someone precious, and that your disability (apart from not preventing you from being a capable person) only highlights your soft and friendly personality despite everything, how you approach life, sincerely he just wants to take care of you.

He loves you very much regardless of your abilities.

Shares, reblogs, and comments are very welcome!

[pedrospatch]

🍂 joelsgreys weekly recap 🍂

hello friends! here we are at my very first weekly recap! i really wish i could have come up with a more creative name but this is all i got. anyway, i am so grateful to be back to engaging with the community, this is the best i have felt in a long time, i feel…i feel human again. and because i feel human again, i have the capacity, time, and energy to really engage with others and not only that, but i can enjoy it. thank you all sm for welcoming me back after several weeks of me just popping in and out, after a name change, and after i had all those bumps in the road.

fic recs

here’s some of what i read and enjoyed over the last couple of weeks!

🔥 indicates smut, please be sure to heed all tags/warnings by the author, all blogs and works are 18+ only, MINORS DNI.

Sequins by @trulybetty 🔥

Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: On a night out with friends, you run into a broad-shouldered stranger and there's no denying that there's an immediate attraction between the two of you.

Deliver Me From Nowhere by @atinylittlepain

Joel Miller x OFC Reader

there is no series summary, but please mind the tags as this fic does involve dark themes including domestic violence. but it’s such a beautifully written story, Gin’s talent is out of this world.

Born lucky, under a bad star by @softlyspector

Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: Joel has always been lucky, in the worst of ways. *major spoilers for tlou part 2

daydreams by @morning-star-joy

Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: It's been years since Joel's kissed anybody, and your lips are all he can think about.

a matter of time by @cupofjoel 🔥

Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: joel can't remember the last time he took things slow and let himself feel. you give him a gentle reminder.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RAIN by @psychedelic-ink 🔥 (i’m not yelling okay the title is in all caps….but i am yelling at how hot this was)

Javier Peña x Plus Size Female Reader

Summary: it's the 80s. when the dig you've been working at has to take a short break due to escobar and politics, you decide to wait it out at medellín. while hitchhiking, a charming stranger pulls up.

stay here, honey by @swiftispunk 🔥

DBF! Joel Miller x Female Reader

summary: [no outbreak] p*rn no plot. you sit on dbf!joel's lap at a party, it's a whole thing

Divine Dynasty Series by @cavillscurls 🔥

AU Mafia! Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: Your father had been a loyal asset to the Miller Clan for his entire life. After his passing, Joel feels a responsibility for you and your safety; inviting you further into his world, and your desires.

a lover’s pinch by @hier--soir 🔥

AU Professor! Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: a one-night stand with a charming texan turns into something much more thrilling when you discover he is your new college professor. joel miller is entirely off limits. but now that you’ve had a taste, will you be able to keep your hands to yourselves?

*only 1.5 chapters in so expect to see this in the next recap too lmao.

beautiful fall divider by @saradika

[bthump]

Hi! I've been a fan of yours for while, and I want to say keep up the good work. I also wanted to ask something about Berserk. Specifically, a scenario in which the Berserker armour appears to Guts earlier in manga, like the Golden Age arc or Black Swordsman arc. How would he react? Would he even put it on? Would anything change if he had the armour before the Millennium Falcon arc? Sorry if this has been already answered before, this is my first time asking anything here. Thank you.

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words 💖

Hmm, Black Swordsman arc, he'd definitely wear it and presumably lose his mind instantly and become a monster lol. Dude needs several children saving him from it plus a goal other than revenge to focus on in order to keep his humanity while wearing it imo.

In the Golden Age though... I mean from a characterization viewpoint I think he would wear it, because Guts is kinda dumb about his choices having consequences. He would think 'oooh this would make me super effective in battle' and ignore the side effects for way too long.

And if he's heard Griffith's Promrose Hall speech, then he'd also be extra into that addictive mindset, where he loses himself in battle and stops thinking, which is of course extra literal with the armour that strips away his humanity. So he'd probably lose himself to it pretty quick. I mean, that's why he fought 100 men not long after hearing that speech - basically just to turn his brain off for a while and lash out.

I think it would be a fitting ending for Guts if he found it right after leaving the Hawks to pursue his dream of being the strongest and then became a monster in a solid "be careful what you wish for" style narrative.

But actually it might be more interesting if he got it during the happiest period of his life, because he'd have a greater capacity to resist it, and friends around to respond to it. Like he's a dumb kid who'd wear it in battle and ignore the problems and symptoms, and say he's fine. And Griffith could see the use as an asset, and be torn between taking advantage and being terrified for Guts' well-being which could be a great conflict. (Eventually reaching a breaking point where he can't justify the harm to Guts even when it makes the Hawks virtually indestructable and gets Guts to get rid of it, essentially prioritizing him over the dream again.) And thematically it could still represent Guts' inner darkness, ie basically his childhood trauma and abuse spurring him onto violence and self-destruction.

Like his years with the Hawks are the chillest where he's fighting because it's his job and he likes his coworkers rather than because of a driving need, but you could definitely argue that the trauma is still part of that, and explore it a little as the root of all Guts' violence, even when it's pragmatic.

In this scenario though he'd probably be able to overcome the armour eventually. But yk, it could be a good symbolic look at how the mercenary life exacerbates his trauma and maybe undermines how much friendships with other mercenaries can help him heal - since Guts' violence is an asset to everyone in the Hawks. Healing relationships could stlil win out, but there's neat conflict to potentially explore. Idk I'm spitballing, but it could be interesting.

Also obviously there'd be a scene where Guts loses himself and nearly attacks Griffith only to recognize him and come back to himself at the last minute.

Could even be a regular thing, like Griffith is the only one who can bring him back to his humanity after a battle...

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Thanks for the ask, it was interesting to ponder!