#wish I could make art that felt meaningful again

[the-friendliest-freak]

.

[just-a-carrot]

Hey Carrot!!!!!!! (This might be the last one for a little bit ;-;)

So I finished OW on stream, I was kinda told to go solo ending but I did the Genzou hideout scene to keep my options just in case and I completely melted from it. I'm not one for lovey scenes but my goodness I just melted from it, I'll admit that I cried

Then the ending where it shows every wish and I just kinda cried again. 2 times in one game is a record, 3 times is total insanity, curse you (positive)

I really enjoyed the ending I got, thinking on it, the relationship Genzou and Iggy end up in is something I can relate to, not romantic but they're happy together. I'm flipping tearing about it in public as I type this ;-;. I'd totally call myself weird, I'm aroace but in a relationship and there's no romance but we enjoy just being near each other, someone to hug or talk to, someone to be there, even though I don't feel the romantic feelings at all, I would do anything for them and I get that kind of feeling from the Genzy ending. The thing about shifting boundaries, YES!!!

I'm running out of questions to awkwardly tack on the end of these so I'll give something weird, I want to do something with a headshot of Iggy looking happy, 100% art related. If there's a sprite or art of Iggy you want me to use as a reference, put it in the reply and I'll use it :3 I'll only be using the head of the image. If things go well, results should come this weekend if I have the energy (gonna try and make chocolate AND spend a bunch of time streaming AND do this mystery project so I'll try)

wahhhhhh... i am sorry for the tears 💦

i'm really happy that it could be so meaningful and relatable to you, though. i love hearing from people that say they can relate to the chars or to the situations or experiences and see parts of themselves in the story... somehow leads to this sense of shared understanding idk

i'm glad you liked the line about the shifting boundaries. that's a big thing i've always felt strongly about iggy is that his boundaries likely change from day to day based on his whole... everything... idk LOL but just like, different types of closeness, different types of touch, different types of kisses, etc., i think that what he feels comfortable with is likely fluid day to day. and for me the idea of someone who is completely open and understanding to this and constantly communicating about this + even like, developing a kind of instinctive understanding based on other factors because they just care about you so much and so they're constantly aware of you and your shifts and how you're feeling. i like to think that's what genzy in particular are like, and that they're constantly learning and experiencing new sides of each other but always in a way where there's zero expectations and zero pressure and just love and closeness and their own brand of intimacy... ;-;

/end sappy ramble

anyway uhhhHHHHH happy iggy reference pic? hmmm... i have many pics of iggy looking happy but i have always thought he looked particularly cute in this one:

[marypaol]

Library Stories

Draco x Fem!Reader

Warnings: None that I’m aware of? :)

Summary: Reader and Draco find peace in the library of Hogwarts.

Note: Here��s a nice short one for ya. Thank you all so much for the support, big or small it means a lot! Also, feel free to request anything in the comments so I can make your story come to life!

Masterlist

___

The first thing she noticed about the library when she entered moments prior was that the lighting was dimmer than usual; the sun setting slowly outside the large windows the place provided casting a nice glow in the room. She felt peace when it came to the library of Hogwarts, having a sense of comfort and the smell of old books that have been basically rotting other the centuries being a bonus. That, right there, wasn’t exactly quite the reason why she previously went there, for the purpose of her arrival to the place was because of a certain person she so dearly wanted to see.

So she sat there then at the current moment, looking up at him from his lap as his lips formed the words of the book, hand that wasn’t holding the stack of pages buried on her hair, stroking it out of her forehead lovingly. If she’s gonna be honest for the purpose of telling the truth, she wasn’t really paying true attention to what the words were, but foremost the way his lips moved to provide the words to her, like a whisper of a gust of wind that was only for her to hear; for that was why he spoke so soft. His fingers were ever so soft as well, tips brushing her forehead in the most gentle way, showing his little affection that wasn’t often showed.

And she loved him for that. For the reason he invited her to his lap so he could read to her. So he could caress her head like it was one of the most beautiful things he could ever touch. The feeling in her chest was a sense of belonging and love, warm and ever so welcoming that it spread throughout her body.

“You okay, love? A little zoned out, are you?”

The gentle voice towards her brought her out of her head, eyes glancing upward to meet his own. Silver eyes met hers, almost making her zone out again because of how deep and meaningful she found them. She smiled softly, looking into his face like she was studying a piece of art; because she was.

“I’m okay, just got a little distracted. But I’m listening.” She assured, fingers reaching over to caress his elbow as a sign for him to keep going. He did so, lips parting after letting out a tiny chuckle to continue reading. She turned her head, cheek rubbing on his robes giving her a sense of comfort. His smell evolved around her, surrounding her in a space only she could enter. It was then and only then did she wish that she could stay in that very moment forever, his voice echoing in her ears as his fingers once again found home in her hair.

[yumeparadox]

Grand Fest Recollections. Thank You For Two Years!

My heart feels so heavy today. As I woke up to see a sunrise that matched the one we finally have in Splatoon 3, reality settled in.

Life has to go back to normal after a splatfest weekend but this celebration truly changed everything.

The Grand Festival was such a wonderful celebration of Splatoon in its entirety. 

I felt the most unbridled joy experiencing that magic brought to the in-game performances, the live renditions of each song in carefully crafted set-lists and seeing Liquid Sunshine choreography and its vibrancy for the first time.

On and off stream the three stages are where I spent the most time during Grand Fest when I could. I sat around the venue and just took in the details of the concerts and the setting; enjoying that moment in time was how I kept myself grounded.

But I think what had me start to unravel is realizing that I let the actual splatfest battle experience slip away.

I’d seen a Twitter comment on Sunday while I was taking pictures of Three Wishes that mentioned again how we would be able to return to the venue because of a datamine (granted I knew of this from months ago) about the amiibos.

I had no idea when the feature would drop and when we would be able to revisit the Grand Festival Grounds again. It could have been a week from now for all I knew. 

We got the confirmation almost instantaneously. I was overjoyed to be able to go right back but I also felt a little ridiculous for not playing the fest more if this would be the case.

I want to give a massive thank you to everyone who did play matches with me for Team Present though—especially my homies @Chandlier1229, @mxntymoon, @semisentientseafood, @epicyoshimaster and @kosirenn

Big ups to @CJHyperfresh and @Jasbiskus for inviting myself and my partner @squidryder to collab on an amazing stream. It was an unforgettable time and we had so many laughs.

Thank you Ryder for joining me in Tricolor and reacting to the results! You make me smile so much and your presence is a present.

Emotions were high throughout this whole event for a lot of us but personally, I wasn’t able to fully process it until things were ending.

I know I got overwhelmed with the vastness of everything and other more existential thoughts. So, I can only imagine what developing all of this was like.

Admittedly, I felt my reaction to Three Wishes was lackluster. The whole reason I went for an IRL stream was in case I didn’t say much and so that some emotion was visible. 

I cried the first time I heard the song and saw the lyrics but the tears weren’t happening that Saturday.

Granted, there’s a lot happening the first time you experience Three Wishes in-game, but the way the VOD turned out is something I can’t change much like my splatfest team.

While I had my reasoning for joining Team Present, perhaps I was too logical about it. Although that’s what the theme asks of you, I can’t help but lament on this a little bit. I want to work through this feeling.

I went in thinking that the present is where I can experience all of time. It’s a difficult concept and a part of me wishes I had treated it differently. Seeing clips from people playing the splatfest also got me in my feels, too. I wonder if I did enough.

As someone who chose Team Marie and fawns over her the most (Frye is probably a close second at this point), I thought about joining Past simply because she was fighting alongside Callie this time. 

The Squid Sisters had the most compelling splatfest art by far for the event and I know their Grand Fest outfits were my favorite. 

Their music saved me from the moment I played my first Splatoon 1 splatfest. I cried over the Plaza, over seeing them back in the DLC, over hearing City of Color leitmotifs to this day.

The Rainbow Color Inkantation version of it has so much urgency and emotion in the vocals, as if they’re urging you to remember them and fight for the past.

That’s not to say Off the Hook isn’t also meaningful to me, however. They are the reason I was able to pursue voice acting as a hobby in the first place, starting out with voicing over their splatfest dialogue. 

And of course, we all know their formation is still so closely linked to the Squid Sisters existing. Anyone who watches my streams can tell which group I go crazy over the most but choosing in terms of the passage of time may not let your choices align and check both boxes. I agonized over teams for a while.

Ultimately, I stuck to the question as best I could. 

Which is the most important to you?

Experiencing the now. Finally reaching that promised day. 

My memories are never super clear for me unless I preserve them in some form of writing, video or photo. Skill issue on my part but all brains are different. 

So, I repeated this a lot that fateful weekend: the present moment will always become the past so make it count. Choosing one doesn’t mean the other isn’t important but again it was truly difficult.

My past self got me where I am now and every decision I make in the present sets me up for success in the future. 

I grew up hearing that we don’t know what tomorrow looks like and you can’t obsess over it. Although, when you have good things to look forward to you can’t help but anticipate how they’ll play out. 

Past, present and future are intertwined and if you look at the splatfest theme graphic, you’ll see that all the ink swirls connect despite being different colors.

I think that’s why they called the second night of the Grand Festival the Day of Unity. We were all together to witness that performance regardless of team choice.

Music will always be the core of Splatoon and it will carry on across the sea of time, imbued by our passions and joys.

Good games, well played to everyone! I’m really grateful to have been here and seen every splatfest from the beginning this time around. Splatoon has been with me through every season of my life and it's ink-redible.

I have so much appreciation for everyone who stopped by the streams over the weekend. Doubly so for those who shared messages about when they first found my videos and the impact they’ve had.

I’m glad my enjoyment of Splatoon could resonate with you and go so far as to brighten your day.

We reached 3K followers on Twitch (another yearly milestone) with everyone’s support and I met so many new people. To those who know me from my videos only, I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

Looking back, I started broadcasting there in late 2022 so I’ve streamed every Splatoon 3 splatfest since the World Premiere (aside from the ice cream theme since I was visiting family).

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts this weekend. It had been a rough few weeks leading up to Grand Fest, so, once again I’m glad I could be there in any capacity.

Thank you Splatoon team for everything you’ve created and I hope we can continue to show just how much this series means to us. It’s time for me to finish up some projects from the past.

This is my first post on this side blog but I plan on sharing more of my writings here so please look forward to it!

Sending you all so much love and strength, Yume 

[quanticq]

Hey Q! Sorry for bothering you, but for some reason I can no longer find any of your tik tok accounts 😭 Did they get deleted or something?

Hi this is Q! I’m coming out of the woodwork to address this, since I did went radio silent out of the blue so it’s not a bother at all

The short answer is Yes, I deleted my tiktok

Yes delete not deactivate, I’m not coming back to That app or IG or Twt, I deleted my socials except here and YouTube, I honestly felt so overwhelmed with everything, I realized I’m not even posting for myself anymore there. A lots of people crossed my boundaries time and time again I felt so helpless, bitter with myself. I guess I was just overwhelmed with the attention I got; both positive and negatives ones.

Im done and I want to start over so that’s why I’m here and on YouTube, I already posted some of these on my community tab on YT but here’s what I have in mind for the future of the content I want to create: more detail under the cut, and also;

CW: very brief mention of spiraling, harm inflict oneself or others, paranoia, etc

•Long-form content: my attention span is a bit messed up from consuming and making short-form content to the point where I can’t focus in university. I want to create something meaningful. It’s not that my previous content was not meaningful, no. I had fun and no time is wasted when I have fun, it was warm… but as I mentioned earlier, I just felt this lingering bitterness the longer I stayed making those short-form content. It really felt like I was on the verge of losing it. Especially with how the bigger following I have the less people think of me as a person than just another content creator you see on the internet,

I want to create long-form content, I’m so tired of forcing myself to generate 15 second content. On tiktok it just feels like I’m just creating and not really connecting. I want to try something new, maybe create an open space for meaningful discussion in the comments. I don’t think I can stand another copy-paste tiktok comment anymore. You know what I meant if you’re frequent on that app.

•Art Content with Commentary: and don’t worry this won’t be those petty artist drama issue, but I will still cover anything serious

it could be love letters or video essays ranging from fan fictions, fandom culture, the art scene and so much more. I may even share a bit of my personal life, this will be self indulgent after all! I want to make it fun for myself and as well to those who comes across my channel. I really REALLY want to create a genuine following.

On tiktok it’s so easy to gain following but not so easy to retain them, it’s mostly because of the algorithm and the FYP feature there.

On Tiktok most content that would get featured as an artist there would be creative work has to be either; more than exceptional which is pressuring enough already to consistent posters, straight up suggestive content shown to minors (tiktok doesn’t really have a blocked keywords feature but it’s so disheartening to see these creators intentionally not using the sensitive warning since it could limit their reach significantly) oh yes we can’t forget the negativity surrounding beginner artists or “art lore”

All of this cesspool of negativity, it’s a whole can of worms but it will be one of my prominent topics that I wish to discuss in my future art commentaries. I hope you guys are looking forward to those! I might bring in a few people or so to talk about it with me

and finally;

•Streaming: I used to do a lot of streams during the weekends on the clock app and it was super fun! I want to bring that back but that would have to wait since I’m unfamiliar with some features on YouTube, and I’m aware that YT does not have a discoverable feature for stream but that’s alright, I want to start something small first.

In short; I’ll figure it out! just need some baby steps before I start streaming again.

.

I apologize for deleting everything out of the blue, if I’m gonna be honest it was partially planned because I’ve been thinking about deleting my tiktok, twitter and Instagram for a while now but how it happened? In my breakdown I realized that I don’t want anyone to see me spiral, especially now that I realized how young my audience are, I’m not sure how that happened but I guess posting fandom contents does attract the young ones somehow inevitably, even though my content is nowhere near as suggestive, but I do talk about serious topics from time to time… but I digress, its not fair for them to deal with me if they see me spiral publicly,

it is especially not fair to them to console me. When I was younger than 14, I’ve been in a position where I have to talk down someone who was older, maybe 4-5 years older than me, from harming themselves or anyone, it was traumatizing and unpleasant. I don’t wish for anyone to go through that, it’s very painful.

It’s been… hard for me to ground myself. Ive been seeing things through a kaleidoscope of emotions; I was trying to focus on everything but it’s just too overwhelming so eventually I cracked. But please don’t worry I’ve been doing better now, after some time away from my online persona, and of course spending time with my beloved girlfriend, I see things much more clearly now.

Thank you to anyone who read this and much so appreciate those who understand where I’m coming from

Also now that I think of it can my stuff be considered as lost media now? Amazing! But please don’t be sad the fun I had was genuine!

Thank you again to those who genuinely enjoyed my content on tiktok but it’s time for me to try my hand at something new, I will still be dwelling in my creative headspace just.. away from public for now,

if you’re looking forward for my future post, make sure to check out my YouTube! I still have a lot I need to cook hehe, this is one of the few!

More post soon, Bye bye! -Q

[aardelea]

Whatever works

Here’s a little romantic and also sad story featuring Zenji—around 2.3k words. The story contains major spoilers, so it’s best to skip this if you haven’t read the Hotarubi chapter yet. The MC is named 'Nao' in this story, as I prefer having a specific name for the character I’m writing about. Otherwise, enjoy the read!

You can't remember the last time you felt this good since meeting Zenji. The eccentric poet has completely turned your life upside down since you met him a few months ago.

You had a lot in common: your love for poetry, music, art… and your shared romantic streak. Not a day went by where you didn’t see each other, philosophizing together about the most meaningful and meaningless ideas and creating new stories, which you both brought to life on paper. By now, you’d even had the honor of relieving Haku from his duties as cameraman from time to time, stepping into his role yourself. Of course, Zenji could sometimes get lost in his enthusiasm, making it hard to bring him back down to earth, but that was exactly what you loved so much about him. He always gave himself completely to the moment and his emotions without ever seeming forced. Every feeling he expressed was always genuine and sincere.

Often, the two of you would spend hours talking in bed before sleep finally took you. Most of the time, Zenji was gone by the time you woke up in the morning, but he always left a little note on the table, wishing you a magical day and saying how much he looked forward to seeing you again.

To avoid making you feel suffocated, he let you fulfill your daytime tasks and spend time with your friends before you’d meet again in the evening. Even though you’d told him countless times that you’d be happy for him to visit during the day, he insisted that you should enjoy your life on campus as much as possible. So, it was always up to you to visit him in Hotarubi after your duties were done for the day. It apparently never occurred to him that he was the one who made life in Darkwick so enjoyable in the first place.

During the day, you usually spent your free time with Luca and Kaito, with whom you shared many classes. You quickly grew fond of both of them and always had a great time together, both on and off-campus.

Today, you were out with Kaito on your way to the diner to kill some time before the next class. On the large lawn in front of the main building, you saw Haku and Zenji talking in the distance. Seeing Haku with his phone in hand, you assumed Zenji was working on the video idea he’d told you about recently. A sad smile crossed your face as you thought about how he just couldn’t—or wouldn’t—understand that he would never appear in those videos. But you would be the last person to force that reality on him, so you, like Haku, just played along.

Haku quickly noticed you and waved with a tired smile. When Zenji turned and saw you, it was as if the sun rose, his face lighting up so brightly. He waved excitedly and smiled at you with that dazzling smile that always made your heart flutter.

“You really seem to get along well with Haku, huh?” Kaito commented as you waved back happily at the two of them. The joy of this chance encounter must have been written all over your face.

“Hm, what? Haku? Uh… yeah, sure. We get along well. He’s a good friend,” you replied, a little confused. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, your eyes always light up when you see him. And you do seem to spend a lot of time in Hotarubi,” Kaito said, looking at you with an almost sad smile as he waited for your reaction. “I-I’m really sorry, honestly! I didn’t mean to be nosy or anything.”

“No, no, Kaito. I’m sorry, I just hadn’t noticed. When I see Haku, it’s usually because he has good news for me. That’s all.” You chuckled a bit to yourself at the double meaning of your words. As much as you liked Haku, your good mood was never solely due to him when you saw each other.

Kaito suddenly stopped and looked down at the ground, embarrassed. You stood in front of him, watching him with a mix of concern and confusion. “Is everything okay, Kaito? Not in the mood for the diner today? We can always do something else if you’d like.”

He sniffled softly, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “You’re always so damn kind, Nao. And I don’t deserve it, not with how careless I am.”

Oh no, there it was again. Kaito’s never-ending insecurity. You always did your best to build him up and boost his confidence, but his negative feelings about himself ran too deep to be chased away by words alone.

You squeezed his hand tightly, concerned. “Kaito, what on earth is wrong? Everything’s fine. You haven’t upset me or anything like that.”

“Please forgive me. I’m such an idiot, and I doubt that will ever change in this lifetime. But I have to say it now, or I’ll lose my mind. I like you, Nao… I mean really like you. Not just as a friend.”

You’d already suspected it but had pushed the thought away as much as possible. Kaito couldn’t hold back his feelings, which was one of the things you liked about him. And it wasn’t exactly a secret that he felt more for you than friends usually did. You’d always made an effort not to give him false hope, and you valued honesty with him to avoid misleading him. But as you knew all too well, you can’t choose who you fall in love with. So, this day had to come.

“That’s so sweet of you, Kaito. I really appreciate your words, and they mean a lot to me. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t return your feelings. I’m sorry.”

Although tears fell to the ground between you, a tired smile spread across Kaito’s lips. “It’s okay. It’s not like I expected anything different. I don’t stand a chance against charming, good-looking guys like Haku anyway. I just needed to get it off my chest. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine soon enough. Idiots like me always bounce back quickly. Excuse me…”

Before he could turn and walk away, you took the initiative and hugged Kaito tightly. You could feel his wet cheeks against your neck. “Don’t even think about just walking away.”

Kaito seemed too surprised to move. Before he could say anything, you continued, “You’re my best friend, Kaito, and I mean that. You’re an amazing, warm-hearted person, and you mean the world to me. Don’t ever forget that. And no chance against men like Haku? You’re at least as lovable as him, if not more! Don’t you dare have such terrible thoughts again.”

Kaito tried to pull away, but each time, you held him even tighter. “Then why him and not me…?”

“Why do you keep bringing up Haku? I don’t have any deeper feelings for him. I promise. I’m just not ready to be with someone right now, you know? It’s just not the right time.”

You stayed like that for a while, and you could feel that you were starting to attract attention. But the stares didn’t bother you. At least no one was close enough to overhear your conversation. The last thing you wanted was for Kaito to be teased for being rejected.

When you were sure he wouldn’t suddenly turn around and run away, you slowly loosened your grip on him, placed your hands on his shoulders, and looked into his eyes. His cheeks and eyes were still red, but at least he had stopped crying.

“You’re too kind, Nao. I’m sorry for always causing you so much trouble.”

You laughed warmly. “Life here in Darkwick definitely wouldn’t be the same without you, Kaito. I wouldn’t give up these ‘troubles’ for anything.”

You let him go, pulled a tissue from your pocket, and handed it to him. “I understand if you’d rather be alone right now. But if you still want to go to the diner with me, I’d be happy to have you.”

He looked down, embarrassed, thinking for a few moments before looking back at you with a smile, even if it seemed a bit forced this time. “Sorry, but I think I’d rather be alone for a bit. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

You nodded understandingly and watched him walk off toward Frostheim. You sighed quietly and continued on your way to the diner in silence. A short break would be best for you, too.

After finishing up the day’s tasks, you decided not to visit Zenji in Hotarubi this time. Too much was on your mind to pretend everything was fine. You got ready for bed and lit a few candles to reflect your melancholic mood.

You stood in front of the mirror, looking at yourself with your head tilted. You felt honored that someone had taken you so deeply into their heart. Even though Kaito was the type who typically chased after every more or less pretty girl, you knew that his feelings for you were genuine.

“Stunning as always. Even in your pajamas.”

You saw Zenji standing at the end of your room. He smiled at you, but there was also something sad in his expression.

“I’m sorry I didn’t visit you today. It was actually quite hectic.”

“Don’t worry about it, my dear. I noticed what happened today and figured you needed some time for yourself.”

“Oh, really?” you began cautiously.

“Of course! The magical love that flickered in the air when I saw you back there was hard to miss.” Zenji seemed to be back in his element, brimming with enthusiasm.

“Eh… that’s not exactly how I would have put it, but if you say so…”

“No need to hold back, my dearest! It was only a matter of time before this day came. I simply couldn’t resist congratulating you in person.”

You stared at him in confusion. “I think you might have misunderstood.”

“It’s truly very noble of you, but you really don’t have to consider me! The dream was lovely while it lasted, but I was always prepared to wake up and face reality eventually. One day, I would have to make way for someone who deserves your time more than I do.”

“But that’s not how it is…”

Zenji was quick to interrupt. “Shh, my dear, you really don’t have to explain anything. I truly appreciate your concern and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world that I had you for as long as I did. Believe me, these wonderful memories will stay with me for the rest of my life. But as they say, one should leave when it’s at its best. Oh, and how wonderfully beautiful it was!”

“Wait, farewell? I would never…”

“It’s just as hard for me, believe me! But maybe we’ll still see each other here and there if you happen to wander back to Hotarubi.”

The man was unstoppable.

“Zenji…”

“Or, if fate is kind to us, we might run into each other on campus like today.”

“Zenji!”

You knew you had to stop him before he got completely carried away. After raising your voice, he froze for a moment.

“Thank you. So, let’s start over. What exactly do you think you saw?”

“Kaito confessed his love to you, and you reciprocated it while hugging him. Oh, what a wonderful scene that was! Kaito taking matters into his own hands and forging his own destiny! Such commendable action!”

“That’s not what happened, Zenji. Quite the opposite.”

“What…? How do you mean?”

You sat on the edge of the bed and gestured for Zenji to sit beside you. Then you told him everything that had happened, in minute detail.

“Oh… that’s truly sad. I hope the honorable gentleman remains strong and recovers quickly. And all because you happily waved at us. I will demand that Haku apologize to Kaito.”

“Eh…? How many times do I have to say it? I’m not glowing because of Haku, but because of you, Zenji. And only because of you.”

He stared at you in silence for a moment, before suddenly exclaiming in shock. “Oh my goodness, then I need to apologize to him!”

“First of all, it would be nice if everyone could calm down. No one needs to apologize for anything. That’s just the way things go, and disappointments are part of life. No one did anything wrong.”

Zenji stared thoughtfully at the floor. He must have started to understand what you were getting at.

“Believe me, I wish I had fallen for someone like Kaito or Luca, but that’s not how it works. It can’t be changed that someone else is involved.”

Zenji looked shocked again. “So you lied to him when you said you had no feelings for Haku?”

“I abhor violence, but I swear, if anyone mentions Haku again, they’ll get one. No! But I couldn’t exactly tell him I have feelings for a ghost instead of him.”

Zenji’s expression shifted from cheerful to melancholic.

“I’m truly flattered that a simple fool like me has a place in your heart. And I can’t exactly say that I don’t cherish every single second with you and long for your presence when we’re not together, but…”

“No ‘buts’, Zenji. You mean a lot to me, and I don’t regret a single second spent with you instead of anyone else. I want to enjoy countless more moments with you, as long as fate allows.”

He looked deeply into your eyes. Sadness marked his delicate features. “But you should be with the living, my dear. It’s no use wasting energy on me. Unfortunately, we just met too late.”

“Maybe we did. But I won’t let anyone take the remaining time from me. Only when you’re here do I feel truly alive. Nothing can change that.” You raised a hand and held it in the air between you, as if pressing it against an invisible wall. Zenji mirrored the gesture and placed his hand against yours.

Even though you couldn’t physically touch each other, you could almost feel his warmth.

“I’ve never been good at saying no to you.” Zenji’s smile made your heart race.

You smiled warmly back at him. “Let me be your heartbeat until the end.”

[starsoakednight]

19-6-24

Day 5

Everything was so smooth yesterday. I felt comfortable and relaxed and my appetite was back. Right now, I feel his absence in the background, a little bit sadness hovering near my shoulders. I saw a recent social media post he had liked at 2 am last night. Something about being so happy because you found someone with XYZ qualities. The description sounded exactly like me. I felt an instant whooshing sinking feeling in my chest, like someone had pulled my ribcage down. I couldn’t sleep after that. He chose someone when he wanted to. I kept ruminating for over 2 hours or more- overanalyzing, trying to comfort myself, be okay with whatever happened, sitting with the grief and regret and guilt (of ruining things for myself) the terrible feelings of unworthiness but my mind would not rest at all. I kept picturing an imaginary beautiful girl and him being together and loving each other and doing the best by each other.  God. All the things and fun activities I wanted to do with him. Why didn’t he choose me. I tried to connect as best as I could- why wouldn’t he reciprocate or initiate messages. We had so much in common, we could have become really good friends.

I will explore this in therapy but God, I don’t think I am ready to let him go yet even when he didn’t choose me. His fantasy soothes me enough. I think of closure conversations. Last night, I let myself really feel the loss to assess how it would feel when I have cut him off completely. He is gone, I told myself repeatedly. He is not coming back. Don’t hold on to the hope that he will come around- he seems way too emotionally stable for that (which is me storytelling again, I don’t know him that well). The void when he is totally gone from my social media life too and I no longer have access to anything he posts... it hurt. It’s almost been one year since I first messaged him and 6 months when I messaged him last. I don't know why I remain so hopeful about things and struggle to let go. I have always kept myself open to life's possibilities and maybe it is stupid but I keep thinking of this situation in these terms too. It is not like I seek his posts- I have him muted everywhere.

Fantasizing also keeps the loneliness and boredom away. Sure, he has a public account but I know how much pain I will be in if I keep stalking him so I think I won’t go there at all. My younger self doesn’t deserve it. It is terrible to grieve and let go of fantasy bonds. More so than real people because everything is perfect in fantasy. Working on my self-worth is going to take a long time, lol.

Just two hours ago, I was fantasizing about being friends with him. Talking to him about art and books and our shared interests. Grieving again and again, the person I wish he was instead of the person he actually was/is. I will set more social media boundaries though till I feel somehow emotionally ready to delete him for good. Maybe this is how I will cut down on useless doom scrolling lol- I don’t want to make a painful thing more painful by accidentally stumbling on his reels and posts that he is soooo in love and sooo happy while I am here, yearning and longing and rotting (intermittently) for him.

My younger self deserves so much better. From me and relationships in general. I know he will be with me for a while now but I am also hopeful about myself and how I always manage to transform pain into something meaningful.

All feeing is temporary. This too shall pass.

[halogenrobotics]

Birthday Burrow

This story was again not written by me, it was written by the amazing EclipsingJelly036. Please check out his amazing youtube channel to see some more of his amazing works of art!

https://www.youtube.com/@eclipsingjelly9572

TW: Nightmare and panic attack. If you would like to skip these parts, stop reading where the "XXX" appears and scroll down to where it appears again

Read on AO3!

The Pizzaplex’s Atrium was decorated with a horde of balloons canopying the ceiling, as the room’s wave of lights shone like lasers, piercing darkness midair. The floors were coated in confetti, upbeat music playing in the background. Vanessa strolled through the center holding a parcel in her hands, looking for the nearest route to the party room.

She passed a few mop bots cleaning outside the Atrium. Holograms of the star animatronics formed into shape on the show stage, as Vanessa exited the room. As she entered the lobby, her eyes gazed at how empty the place was, just like she had planned. Tonight was a special night. It had to be perfect.

Vanessa looked at her watch with concern, reminding herself that she was early. The party room’s door handle was soon in her reach. Shrugging off any hints of waiting, she entered, noticing a young boy in a party hat.

He was playing on his Fazwatch, too busy to notice Vanessa coming in. Typical. Vanessa smiled, thinking of something quick to say, as the young boy’s eyes narrowed on his watch’s screen. Vanessa took a deep breath and proceeded.

“Happy Birthday Gregory!” Vanessa put on the biggest smile you could ever see. This strength of joy captured Gregory the instant her voice reached his ears. He jolted up, half surprised and yet a smile broke on his face.

“Vanessa! You came!” The young birthday kid ran over and hugged Vanessa tightly, clearly happy to see her. Vanessa handed him the parcel after he finally let go. Gregory placed his present on the table, right next to the cake. Vanessa’s hand flew to her back pocket, remembering her cue.

Gregory planted ten candles into his delicious cake. The frosting cream thickness rests on the chocolate layers of goodness. Vanessa noticed two cherries plucked and placed beside the cake’s plate. Oh right, he hated those. Vanessa laughed in her head, finding this amusing.

But nothing could take her attention away by how overjoyed and excited Gregory was feeling. His eyes flexed on Vanessa with a mirroring smile. Vanessa was living in her moment. Gregory had trusted her after all that had happened, and now she was here, on his most important day.

She flicked her lighter on, and set the candles alight. The candles calmly spread into sparks.

“Whoa….” Gregory’s jaw dropped. He had been quite the brains with tech, but this was new to him. He had seen tons of kids get their birthdays celebrated like this, but these candles were something that felt fresh, perfect for his big day.

Vanessa lowered the lights of the room by placing her finger on a switch panel until the area was dark enough for the candles to appear like small fireworks. The blue and green neon lighting still showed, but it would have to do. Vanessa looked at the boy with caring eyes, and she started to sing Happy Birthday. Such a simple song that everyone knew by instinct, and yet, she could tell Gregory really treasured this moment. It had been so long, if not forever, since he last remembered a similar event such as this.

As Vanessa finished singing, she noticed the young boy giving her the same meaningful look when he watched the animatronics performing on stage. You did it! You’re his star! Vanessa cheered in her head.

“Make a wish, my little knight” Vanessa said tenderly, her voice reaching into the boy’s heart.

Gregory stared at the candles happily. I wonder, new fazwatch? An arcade machine? Butters? Vanessa giggled in her mind as she wondered where she got that last thought from. Gregory proceeded to say his wish.

“I wish…” Gregory’s pursed lips neared the candles as his eyes closed. “That this party would last forever.”

He blew the candles, Vanessa completely moved by his birthday wish. The room was now darkened. But Vanessa could still see the cake and the knife. She carefully reached for the knife and walked to the light's control switch. She flickered the brightness back on, but as she did, she felt an anchor’s weight in her head.

She could feel her head bent forward in a split second. As if something had snapped within.

“Mom, are you ok?” Greg had noticed something was off.

Vanessa pulled herself together, trying to forget the surge of what she just felt. Somehow Gregory’s words were trying to stay as the only reasoning on her mind. She slowly turned around. Gregory’s smile had been replaced by a curious, concerned expression. Vanessa sighed in relief, it was probably nothing. She took one step to the table. Her foot caused a split second blackout as it hit the floor. The lights went back on instantly. Vanessa nervously froze, slowly looking around. She could have sworn she saw it happen. Gregory didn’t seem to notice. The kid’s eyes fixated on Vanessa.

Come on, just cut the cake. Don’t mess this up! Vanessa blinked in her thoughts. She took another step. Nothing happened. She took two more steps. Still nothing.

“Is everything ok?” Gregory started to look worried.

Great, now look at what you did. Vanessa made it to the table to continue the party. “Yes Gregory, nothing could be better.”

As she held the knife just over the cake, she caught the glance of herself in the mirror wall of the party room. Everything looked normal. Gregory was still waiting for her to slice the cake.

“Here goes,” Vanessa resumed her joyful smile.

“Wait,” Gregory paused. Vanessa stood still. The birthday kid smirked and moved her knife over to where the cake had the most cream. “That’s better,” he grinned, licking his lips with delight.

Vanessa giggled. She sunk the knife deep into the cake. A wave of shock struck her head, as she stepped back in a rapid jolt. The feeling was so sudden, she nearly had struck herself with the knife. Her fingers were clutching on the knife as though her life depended on it. Her nerves clicked at the sudden emotional surge. Vanessa swore she could hear screaming in her head. A loud, sharp, piercing scream. Her hands held to the sides of her head as she tried to bear with the noise, the knife dangerously close to her cheek.

The screaming stopped. Vanessa flinched and shivered. What is going on?! Her nose caught the scent of a strong odor. Wait is that- The strong stench of blood was present. Vanessa noticed the knife she held had vanished from her grasp. Her fingers were drenched in what could only be fresh blood. Her uniform was also stained with crimson splats. Vanessa was horrified at the sudden change of the room. The balloons popped, the floors trashed, and the table was making her vision blur. The cake stood on the table perfectly, the knife already buried in. But wait, what was that red liquid dripping from the utensil’s handle?

Vanessa touched the handle, the same horrible smell reaching her nose again. The cake started to shift and warp. The illusion continued to unfold, as Vanessa gazed in fear. She was too afraid to blink or scream. The warping of the cake vanished. The delightful treat had been warped out of existence, with the real result now in view. The knife was still plunged in something. A child’s lifeless body!

Nothing prepared Vanessa for this sight. She let out a terrified scream, seeing Gregory face-planted on the table, blood leaking into a pool below. His party hat was still intact with the knife buried deep into his back.

A whisper among the scene grew into an evil undertone of a familiar voice. Vanessa could feel it crawling into her ears.

“Now his happy day can be forever——“ the voice of Vanny mocked her. “You did excellent!” Vanny said, her voice curling into a glitchy roar.

————————————————————-/

Vanessa shot straight out of bed, her eyes widened as she gasped. The view of everything she saw faded. The Pizzaplex, the blood, Gregory. All faded away in a flash of a second. She felt like she had been snatched from an awful reality and tossed back into her home. The screams were replaced by the cries of her alarm tab ringing.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! 6AM

Vaness dropped her heavy hand on the snooze option. She leaned back on her pillow and sighed. Her eyelids caved in, trying to relax her mind with blindness. Her hand rested on her forehead, as she slowly turned to face her alarm clock. She caught the blurry sight of a photo frame next to it. Vanessa yawned as her breathing resumed to normal. The picture grew sharper and clearer to make out. Vanessa paused, noticing it showed Gregory and her playing at an ice cream shack.

Vanessa let out a tired sigh of relief. “Just a dream…” She gazed at her blank white ceiling. It was time to start the day.

She slowly got up and went to the bathroom sink. The water tap ran as she lazily brushed her teeth, giving her reflection the rather bored stare. The mirror stared back as expected. Vanessa took a gulp from her rinse glass and spat into the sink. With a soft yawn, she stretched her hands in the air and walked slowly as if she was carrying a bag of bricks.

She reached the kitchen and turned on the stove. She got out two bowls, poured some cereal. Vanessa propped open the fridge door, sounding a clink of glass as it shook the whole containment. Her hands grabbed a few eggs, some bacon, and a jug of cold milk. Her head turned to see Gregory’s room door still closed. The dining table was littered with crayon drawings. Vanessa remembered last night that she and Gregory had played Pictionary. He eventually fell asleep and Vanessa had to be the one to carry him and place him in bed.

The popping sound of fried eggs threw Vanessa out of her thoughts, making her focus more on cooking rather than her daydreams. She quickly packed his lunch with a tupperware box, before wrapping it in a paper bag. Gregory was asleep longer than usual. Vanessa turned off the stove and walked back to her room to check the time. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to wake him up herself.

6:39pm. It read. I’ll give him five minutes. She told herself. Vanessa scrolled through her phone as she returned to the kitchen. She checked her messages. Nothing from Luis yet. You talked to him last evening, give him a break girl. She chuckled to herself, texting a “good morning”. Vanessa moved on to her phone’s calendar. There was a notice showing up.

Vanessa smiled as she checked it. “Oh! Gregory’s birthday is in a week” she told herself. She tipped the jug of milk into the two bowls. They grow up so fast. It felt like it was only days since she had taken the responsibility as his legal guard-

“Wait a minute…” Vanessa then came to a conclusion with her thoughts. Her arm felt stuck like stone, still pouring the milk. Gregory’s birthday is in a week! She checked her phone again. The calendar wasn’t lying. It really was a week! Oh no! I haven’t gotten him a gift! Vanessa’s eyes fell on her hand’s posture. She quickly lifted up the jug, the cereal bowl nearly overflowing with milk.

She felt the urge to double check her wardrobe, despite already knowing there was nothing in it for Gregory. Her instincts had simply taken over in response to the panic consuming her excitement. Gregory’s door flew open. Vanessa’s foot tripped at this instant, catching herself before she could fall by the kitchen counter.

“Good morning,” Gregory looked at her tiredly. Already dressed in his uniform, Gregory walked to the kitchen table, completely oblivious to Vanessa’s stammered position. Thinking fast, Vanessa slid the bowl closer to Gregory. “I made you breakfast.”

Instead, the young boy took the bowl that had less milk. Vanessa didn’t blame him. FazCrunch cereal always tasted better the more dry it was, at least that’s what Greg said. “Thanks mom,” Gregory chimed. He was starting to notice something about Vanessa. She looked like she was thinking hard. Gregory ate a spoonful of cereal before he spotted her holding her phone.

“Don’t tell me,” he guessed, munching his cereal. “You’re nervous because Luis hasn’t replied yet.”

"Uh…yeah…” Vanessa pulled herself together. It was part of the reason, though it wasn't completely right.

“Mom?” Gregory called out. Vanessa clicked back out of her thoughts. She really needed to stop doing that. “Yes yes, it’s hard to text him sometimes.” She sighed, continuing off topic. “Like, it feels like forever when he doesn’t text back.”

Gregory laughed as he shook his head. “He’ll reply I’m sure,” The kid finished his cereal. What was it with lovers always being so nervous around each other? Gregory just didn’t get it. Why be so afraid to even text if you already are close to that person?

Vanessa could hear the bus arriving outside. Before she could say a word, Gregory had already grabbed his backpack and tied his shoelaces. He was outside in seconds. Vanessa suddenly darted after him, he had forgotten his packed lunch.

Outside, Vanessa called out. “Wait Gregory! You forgot your lunch!” The bright yellow school vehicle had halted with an air’s hiss.

The bus doors swung open, Gregory had just enough time to look back and see Vanessa unzip his backpack and place his lunch inside.

“Almost forgot your lunch, sweetie,” Vanessa reassured as she zipped the bag up. A few kids on the bus planted their faces at the windows, amused at Gregory.

“Mom, you’re embarrassing me…” Gregory’s face turned a tint reddish. She definitely wasn’t gonna hug him now, she knew better than to do that in front of his friends.

“Have a great day at school Greg,” Vanessa gave him a rather awkward pat on the shoulder, trying not to shoot the kids on the bus a serious stare. Gregory returned her smile and waved goodbye as he boarded the bus.

The vehicle started to move as the doors closed. As the bus drove into the distance, Vanessa stood by the porch and waved. She was left to watch Gregory drift further and further away, until she couldn’t see him. Gregory was her son by heart. I need to get him a present. He’s counting on me. This will be the best birthday ever! Vanessa vowed in her warm heart.

A quick buzz in her hand drew her eyes back to her phone. A text reply from Luis had arrived at last. Her face beamed brightly. She tapped on her phone as she made her way back inside, excited and nervous as ever. For Gregory and Luis. This week was gonna be fun, she hoped.

——————————————————-

Vanessa sat on the couch with a clouded head. Her thumbs tapped a reply to Luis as she went on her usual routine of asking how he was. The replies she received were taking awhile, Luis was working on something at this time.

As she waited, her eyes dipped down, thinking what she could get him. It had to be special. It had to be something she hadn’t already given him. But what could that be?

The ideas that would usually pool out in Vanessa’s head had turned into a blank canvas. No matter how hard she thought, she wasn’t getting anywhere besides the casual gifts that anyone would get as a regular treat. Gregory’s birthday was more than that to her. He deserved the best, and only the best.

Her eyes fell on the crayon drawings Gregory had left behind again. This time she picked one of them up and inspected it closely. She felt like she was running around a maze with no prize. She needed a lead. A clue. Something that would point the way to help her decide.

The drawing was mainly scribbles adding up to the overall abstracted picture: A giant spaghetti of wires and metal having the head of a metalic bear fighting a space cadet. The next drawing showed him and Freddy on what appeared to be a rocket-shaped coaster. Vanessa looked in awe at the boy’s creativity. She took the next drawing, halting in her search. This last drawing had herself in it! She recognised the blonde hair and security uniform she wore. She was embracing Gregory in the drawing.

“Oh my…” Vanessa felt the warmth in her heart. She felt so touched by how Gregory saw her. She was his mom, sure. But this said it all the more with a deeper meaning. These drawings were a part of his life. And Gregory had placed her in it. Vanessa got up and folded the drawing. Somehow she felt she would need it to find the perfect present.

The door to Gregory’s room was wide open. She calmly walked inside, seeing the child’s decorative room. Most of the things here were space themed. Glowing stars on the walls, a rocket shaped bed, alien figures and space toy guns. There were also a ton of plushies from the Pizzaplex. Expired coupons, drawing notepads, Faz action figurines. “So he likes space and adventure,” Vanessa noted.

She finally caught the Pizzaplex poster hanging behind the door. Glamrock Freddy was shown handing out balloons and presents. This sparked an idea. The animatronics had spent around enough time with Gregory as she did. He visited them three times a week to hangout while she worked. They may have an idea of what to get him right?

She sat back on her couch and flipped her phone to the side. She was gonna do a video call. She had contacts with each of the animatronics personally. They all had devices in their personal rooms. She scrolled through her list of options. She tried reaching Glamrock Freddy. If anyone knew Gregory like the back of their hand, it was Freddy.

The call rang repeatedly. There was no answer. “Freddy must be on his routine shift,” Vanessa reasoned. She tried asking someone else. The screen flashed a green loading screen. Her call was answered. She heard a noise of wreckage as the screen came to show an alligator’s jaw with a smug voice answering. “Yo, wassup?” Monty answered, his claws pulling down his shades as he focussed on Vanessa.

“Hello Monty, “ Vanessa replied. “I was just checking to see if you had planned anything special for the weekend.”

“Heh, ain’t much going on for this punk,” Monty flexed his biceps, showing off his strength. His fists clenched with spiked knuckles.

Monty’s head turned around to peak as if he was making sure he was alone in the room. Vanessa looked in confusion. “Except for that lil guy’s birthday.” He muttered quietly.

“You knew?” Vanessa chirped, keeping her voice low as his. Monty rolled his eyes. “Of course, that lil guy had to enter his details to get the VIP Pass here in the Pizzaplex. Unfortunately, the others picked up on this too. It was my idea to get him a gift,” Monty bragged about his knowledge.

“Roxanne thinks she can get him a cooler gift than me,” He gritted his teeth, and laughed out loud. “She’s gonna lose big time!”

Monty flexed his muscles and grabbed a large present from off screen, placing it down for Vanessa to see. “Nothin gonna beat this!” He huffed, whatever that thing was, it made him exhaust his joints just to bring it into view. “A chainsaw always crashes down the party,” He bragged again.

Vanessa’s eyes widened. “A chainsaw?!”

Monty suddenly gulped, remembering who he was talking to. His tough voice now replaced with a defensive tone. Vanessa frowned. “It’s not what you think, I mean uh,” Monty grudged as he scratched his chin.

“He’s just a kid Monty!” Vanessa told with a worried voice, her face painted with concern.

“I know, I know,” Monty heaved his hands as he backed off. “I was just kidding,” he chuckled. “Like I would actually give him something twice his weight,” Monty’s tail jumped up and down, landing on the package. The hardware machine inside turned on and shredded the wrapping to bits. The chain saw halted with a sharp jolt as it dug into his tail.

“Whoops,” Monty’s glasses swapped up as Vanessa raised an eyebrow. “Hehe new plan.”

“Nothing sharp alright?” Vanessa frowned.

“You’re no fun,” Monty joked while giving her a rock and roll pose with his fingers. “But alright. I’m still gonna beat Roxanne anyways!” Monty roared in confidence.

“I heard that!” Yelled a female groan from outside Monty’s room.

Monty gulped again. “Gotta go bye!” He punched the end call button literally, and his voice disconnected. Vanessa was left at a static screen. She sighed and tried to dial Freddy again. But there was still no answer, much to her avail. She dialed the next contact on her list.

Her call was answered. “Oh hey Vanessa,” A wolf in a red crop top appeared on-screen, folding her arms and smirking. “Finally figured out it was your boy’s birthday?”

Vanessa nodded, feeling a little heavy. “I just can’t believe I didn’t notice until today. Would you be able to help suggest a gift I could get Gregory?”

Roxanne peeked at the cam, reading Vanessa’s face. She tapped her curled claws and pulled out a wrapped red gift. “I’ve hosted many VIP birthdays before, and all presents share one thing in common.”

Vanessa was about to ask before Roxanne continued. “They all have to be something the child can relate to. Something familiar but also something new. But the best presents always mean something special to both the giver and the receiver.”

“But-“ Vanessa was about to ask. Roxanne smirked. “If I told you exactly what gift you should get him, then it wouldn’t be “your” gift to him.”

“I guess you’re right…” Vanessa admitted, not feeling any better.

“You’ll figure it out I’m sure,” Roxanne smiled, hoping to see Vanessa’s face brighten. “Thanks Roxanne,” She replied.

“As for Monty, well-,” Roxanne placed her red present aside, and sprayed perfume on it to give an extra scent. “He's gonna lose ha!”

Roxanne placed her hands on the sides of hips and threw her hair back in the pose, saying her iconic line. “I’m the best!”

“Tell me that when you eat hot peppers when I win!” Monty yelled from afar.

“Shut up Monty!” Roxanne barked in a growl. Vanessa was confused but laughed a bit, it was just that amusing. She said bye to Roxanne and ended the call.

Freddy still wasn’t picking up. “Leave a message Superstar.” Vanessa looked blankly at her phone. Glamrock Chica’s name appeared as the final option. Vanessa was in such a mood she completely forgot about the animatronic that had the best ties with her. She dialed without another thought.

Glamrock Chica’s room was littered. Empty pizza boxes everywhere. Torn parcel wraps, popped balloons, splats of cheese stained the floor. It looked like the leftovers of 30 birthday parties. Vanessa heard a cluck, Chica’s head coming into view. She squawked as she was trying to stuff something inside a box. “Pizza!” She yelled.

“Um hey Chica?” Vanessa cracked a smile and waved. Glamrock Chica cocked her head, before springing up out of her squat.

“Vanessa! Hi bestie!!” Chica left behind whatever she was doing and raced to the front screen. “Sorry I didn’t notice you earlier. I was erm…busy,” Chica chuckled, wiping off her littered beak as she did a peace sign with her fingers.

“I just wanted to check if you could help me with something. You see, it’s Gregory’s birthday and-“ Chica cut her off. “You forgot?!”

Vanessa winced but nodded. Chica shook her head. “Haven’t you learned anything from the times we hung out?”

“Always eat pizza?” Vanessa quoted. Glamrock Chica shot back an annoyed yet admitting look. “Aside from that,” Chica chuckled, folding her arms. “I may not be the brightest, but I always remember the birthdays of everyone that’s close to me.”

Just then, a staff bot came in, holding a tray of fresh pizza. Chica’s jaw hung as her primitive instincts kicked in. “Pizza!!!!” She yelled, having her arms outstretched with grabby fingers. The staff bot dropped the tray and ran, leaving Chica to get her reward. Her beak pulled the food apart as Vanessa waited the right time to ask. “I still don’t know what to get him…”

“Get him pizza,” chirped Glamrock Chica, biting into her food again. Vanessa raised her eyebrow again, still unable to tell if she was joking after all these months. “You can’t be serious.”

“What?” Chica pecked and wiped her mouth. “No birthday is complete without food! A party needs a cake!”

“A cake?! Oh I didn’t think of that!” Vanessa added that to her list. Everyone was so focused on getting a gift that no one even brought up cake.

“Duh, sometimes I wonder how you got that security guard role,” Chica playfully joked around, tearing open a wrapped box and gobbled whatever was inside.

“Thanks Chica!” Vanessa said, cheering a bit, happy she had a clear goal for one of the things needed for the party.

Chica suddenly gulped, realizing she had cheese all over her beak as she held torn wrappers. “Oh no I did it again,” Chica squawked at herself with laughter.

Vanessa was about to ask what gift she should get. But she paused, perhaps remembering what Roxanne said. This was for her as Gregory’s mom to figure out. It wouldn't be special if Chica just gave her the answer.

The doors burst open, a jolly yet panicked figure stepped in. He wore jester boots, jingly bells, and a gold and red striped outfit. His face resembled the Sun. “Chica there you are!! The main stage is madness! Freddy needs your help to join him on his encore right this instant!” The Daycare Attendant brought the news.

Chica yawned and stuffed her face with another pizza. “Do I really have to?”

“You must hurry! Some of the kids started throwing pizza at-“ Sun the Daycare Attendant tried to explain.

“PIZZA!!!!” Chica flung out the door instantly, completely forgetting about the call and Sun. Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Those words rung in her head in a loop.

Sun then noticed the room. “Oh no no!” He grabbed a broom and looked around the whole place. “What a mess! Clean up, clean up!”

Vanessa felt like saying hi, as Sun didn’t even notice the call was still streaming her face. But the constant stressed look in Sun’s face just told her now was not the time. She gave a silent wave at Sun, wishing him luck. The call ended.

Ok so we need a birthday cake, but…I still need to think of a gift……

She looked back at her text messages. She had missed a few replies from Luis. He was free now, asking if she wanted to go out somewhere. Vanessa wondered at her phone, but chose that it was now or never. She dialed Luis.

“Yo Ness, how are you?” answered Luis’ gentle tone.

“Luis oh thank God!” Vanessa sighed in relief. “I’m not doing too well. I just realized Gregory’s birthday is in a week. But I haven’t gotten the cake or a gift ready for him. I really need help to pick a present for him…”

“I see, maybe we could go to the mall this afternoon?,” Luis offered, hearing Vanessa’s sensitive voice. She needed him the most right now. How could he refuse? “I could pick you up around your house in half an hour!”

Vanessa felt her heavy breath speak tenderly. She always somehow did that by instinct everytime she felt bad. “That would be nice… but I don’t want to interrupt your plans.” Vanessa expressed her concerns, wanting to make sure she wasn’t bothering him.

“You don't need to worry about interrupting anything, Ness,” Luis confirmed with a caring smirk. “I’m not doing anything, so I'm free all day.” Luis heard Vanessa sigh happily on the other end of the phone. It made him happy whenever he could help his girlfriend. “I’ll be right over there.” Luis said.

——————————————————

Vanessa got what she needed ready, her wallet was packed in her handbag. She banded up her hair in a knot, checking her phone repeatedly. As she was dressed for the mall, topped in a leather jacket, she exited the door. A gust of fresh wind greeted her face. Luis’s car had pulled over by the walkway, sounding a friendly horn.

Vanessa reached her side of the car door and got in. She gave Luis a quick kiss on the cheek before putting on her seatbelt. Luis’ eyes beamed at his girlfriend, thinking just how lucky he was to have her.

“How was work?” Vanessa asked.

“Work was-good,” Luis nearly forgot everything that happened prior. Same response every time she kisses you. Luis’ admitted to himself. Why couldn’t he be more engaging, he wondered sometimes.

“Did you have lunch yet?” Luis continued, noticing there was something about Vanessa’s face that he wasn’t too sure. Her smile felt forced. Just a mask that hid her true emotions. He was on the money about that.

“Oh uh..” Vanessa had no time to think about lunch. She had been so preoccupied, it felt like time was flying faster than she could cooperate. “I had breakfast,” she replied in a folded tone.

“You must be hungry Ness,” Luis looked at her sweetly. Her eyes didn’t seem to hold that sparkle he was familiar with. She looked tired, beat up, thinking so hard on what to do next.

“I’ll be fine,” she said flatly. She was clearly upset about something. Maybe she didn’t get much good sleep? Luis decided to ask.

Touching his foot on the pedal, the car drove off towards the mall. At least he still remembered how to drive, Luis chuckled in his head.

“How was your morning?” He asked.

“Terrible…” Vanessa sunk into her chair.

“That bad, really?” Luis looked at her for a moment as he drove onwards.

“Everyone remembered to get him a gift. Everyone except me….” Vanessa hummed. “Like, I’m supposed to be the one responsible for Gregory. I’m his mom, and yet-“ Vanessa closed her eyes and sighed. “I should have remembered. All this is making me question myself if I’m just not good enough to be his caretaker.” Vanessa felt her eyes water, but she held back the tears.

“Oh Ness….” Luis let the brakes slow down the ride so he could talk to her without much distractions. It was a narrow straight road through the hillside to the mall. It wasn’t too busy on the streets. “It could happen to anyone. The best of us,” Luis tried.

“Even Chica remembered. Chica of all people!” Vanessa commented. This was just a low point that she felt was the deepest she could go.

Luis opened his mouth to object but then closed it, recalling Chica’s primitive mentality . “Ok yeah that’s really bad but … .you remembered now right? Isn’t this why we are here, driving to the mall? It’s one thing to forget, sure, but you didn’t just give up back then. The instant you found out, what did you do?”

“I…well,” Vanessa thought back to earlier. “I tried finding out what he may like, and I contacted his Glamrock friends for help.”

“That’s already more than determined of you,” Luis complimented. “That shows you want to make sure that Gregory will have a great birthday.”

Vanessa’s face lit up a bit as Luis continued. “And you still are making the effort, we are shopping for his cake and gift.” Luis added hope. “A week is longer than it sounds Ness-“

Luis slowed down the car and reversed parked into a corner. The mall peaked over them like a mountain, bright as glitter, and stairs leading to its wondrous entrance. It wasn’t the Pizzaplex, but it will have to do. Luis placed his hand on Vanessa’s. “And I’ll help you find the perfect gift, whatever it takes.”

Vanessa threw a hug to Luis, embracing him tightly. “Thank you Luis,” she whispered.

The couple got out of the car. Vanessa felt lighter. Talking to Luis in the long run always lifted the anchor off her shoulders. He was a good listener, and Vanessa loved that about him. The mall’s entrance doors spun like a carousel, lights flashing to lure curious eyes to its warm welcome. Any kid would drag their parents to enter such a marvelous location where it seemed it had everything.

“Ready to do some shopping?” Luis spoke in an excited tone, offering Vanessa his hand, as they stepped through the rotating doors.

“Let’s do this.” Vanessa nodded, now feeling confidence quench her dread. She took Luis’ hand and walked with him. I’ll make this the best birthday for you Greg. She promised.

The store was lit and packed with hundreds of people. Kids ran around excitedly, running to the hottest toy displays. Vanessa noticed there were quite a variety of families wherever she looked. It felt warm to see how happy everyone was, if this wasn’t a surprise, she would have brought Gregory too. That’s what Gregory felt like to her, he was part of her family.

Vanessa and Luis stopped by the bakery. The cakes on display made her tummy rumble. So sweet and tasty they looked, she could spend hours imagining herself eating everything.

“Does Gregory have a favorite flavor?” Luis asked.

“Hmm…” Vanessa recalled back as she hummed. She had mostly bought Gregory ice-cream popsicles of either caramel and chocolate. But which one did he say was his favorite?

“Strawberry?” Luis guessed, partly trying to spark something in Vanessa that might help her remember.

“That’s your favorite flavor,” Vanessa teased, nudging Luis with her elbow playfully. He laughed and nodded.

“Ah chocolate,” Vanessa remembered. “He loves chocolate a lot.”

She selected a cake that had suddenly arrived on scene. It was a milk chocolate layered cake with a hardened Freddy head chocolate shell on the top. It still had some decorations to make it suited for a party, but Vanessa felt like this was fate. This was the perfect cake right before her. She noted the additions she wanted.

“Would it be able to fit in your fridge?” Luis raised a question.

“I don’t think so,” Vanessa turned to Luis. “Gregory might also take a peak in the fridge if he gets hungry at night.”

Luis thought about it. “Hey Ness?”

“Ya?” Vanessa wondered what he would suggest next.

“I could take the cake to my house?” Luis offered. “Y’know keep it ready until the big day?”

“Oh Luis, that's a wonderful idea!” Vanessa lit, before she folded her arms playfully. “No sneaking bites from it, k?” She toyed in her cop voice.

“Would I get arrested?” Luis flirted back.

“I’ll shoot you,” Vanessa smirked jokingly.

“No promises,” Luis continued, receiving a sharp glare from his girlfriend. “I mean yes ‘officer’.” He gleefully replied, they both laughed. The cake’s decorations would be ready in half an hour. Vanessa had made sure she picked the extra frosting and lettering on the cake, followed by the spark candles. This left plenty of time to search for his gift.

The two continued deeper into the mall’s wide array of stores. Luis started to see coloured eggs and Lily flowers scaling the walls and floors of scenery. Kids were getting their faces painted, wearing bunny headbands and shaking egg-shaped maracas.

“I didn’t even know Easter was around the corner,” Luis commented.

Vanessa looked where he was looking. The theme really stuck to her mind. Easter was just days away. This mall was prepped up ahead of schedule, not wanting to miss out on the Easter Spirit. Vanessa was mixed in this instance, she felt joyed to see everyone having a good time, but there was uncertainty she felt within. Unease. But why?

“I never asked much about how things are between you and Gregory,” came Luis' voice. “How would you say you both get with each other? He’s not a handful right?”

“Well,” Vanessa thought back and smiled. “He’s the sweetest boy. He’s so smart too. Always planning his weekend. Gregory often draws me in his cute art pictures with Glamrock Freddy.”

“Aw that’s nice. So he’s used to you being his parent?” Luis implied.

“You could say that. He also dreams of joining me at work. Gregory wants to be just like me. He loves tech and games, so it’s not surprising why he admires my work as a fun job.” Vanessa flashed back.

“He sounds like he’ll have fun beta testing like you. Silver Parasol could always have talented gamers like him around,” Luis pointed out, putting his arm around Vanessa.

She leaned on his shoulder. “I wished they’d let us work the same work shifts…”

“Aw Ness, I wish that too,” Luis tried to think what it could be like. “We both would distract each other though,” He grinned sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Vanessa giggled, giving a friendly punch to Luis’ arm.

“Ow! Ness-“ Luis frowned tightly.

“Oh sorry! I didn’t mean-“ Vanessa swore she didn’t throw a hard punch. Luis was hurt?! How could she? Her terrified shock was suddenly cut off by Luis laughing at her. “Gotcha!” he said. Vanessa flushed her cheeks red at his antics.

“Luis, don't scare me like that!” She punched his shoulder again, harder this time. Luis shuffled and rubbed his arm. “Ok that one hurt a lil,” he chuckled. She rolled her eyes. “But would it really be good if he joined us at work when he grows up?”

“You said it yourself right? He’s good at games and enjoys it. Being good at something and loving it as your life makes it the dream job,” Luis paraphrased.

“It’s just, well,” Vanessa held her hands behind her back as she stretched, she often did this when she felt stressed about something. “I’m not too keen on letting him tryout for a job there..”

“Oh why not?” Luis asked. “The pay’s good too. The hours eh, manageable.”

“Whenever someone is doing good at their job there, they often get promoted to test the latest games. Gregory might do too well… and it won’t be long before they start to use him to test VR games as part of his work.” Vanessa explained in a voice that was growing softer, her arm holding her opposite elbow.

“What’s wrong with-“ Luis’ cut off his voice before he could finish, noticing Vanessa having herself in a stressful position. “Oh…right… you don’t want him around those types of games do you?”

“No…not after what happened to me,” Vanessa’s tone was hushed but audible enough to nearly sound pitiful. “I haven’t touched a VR game since the day I was freed.”

“What did it feel like…y’know, being controlled and all that?” Luis spoke calmly as he placed his hand on her shoulder, trying to piece together a part of her past that she didn’t talk much about in detail.

“It felt like I was locked in a box. Trapped in a room without a key…a burrow with no light. I felt lost and scared….” Vanessa’s face grew saddened. “I can’t go back to playing VR…I can’t let that happen to me or Gregory.”

Vanessa continued. “Whenever he asks me if he could play a VR game, I tell him no. I feel terrible whenever I do. I mean It’s not like he did anything wrong… ” She turned to Luis, looking him in the eyes. “That’s more to the reason why I have to make it up to him with this birthday present.”

Luis said nothing at first, taking in the amount of emotion Vanessa was putting into her whole plan for Gregory. Dammit Luis, you just had to ask her that…look now she’s clearly upset.. “Gregory is very lucky to have a caring mother like you. Never forget that,” Luis very much wanted to hug Vanessa. But he didn’t know if now was the right time.

“Do you think there could be a gift that Gregory would be happy with that isn’t a VR game?” She sniffed as she singled out those words.

“Hey, don’t give up hope,” Luis spoke in a warm voice. “This mall is huge, we just need to keep looking. Now you said Gregory liked games , right?”

Vanessa nodded. Luis followed up. “Then that’s where we should start searching. It doesn’t have to be a VR game. I just happen to know the best gaming stores around here. The mall doesn’t close until ten.”

Vanessa breathed and nodded again as she lifted her head. “You’re right. There’s still time.”

“More than enough,” Luis offered her his hand again. “We can circle back here to pick up the cake once we buy a gift.”

Vanessa’s face curved into a small smile, taking Luis’ hand.

——————————————————-

The games store had its neon lights on with the stock spread wide across the giant display cases and shelves stored inside. It wasn’t too busy as Luis remembered, but that would just make it easier to find what they were looking for. Whatever it was. Vanessa looked at the store’s name from outside. “This has to be the right place.” She whispered to herself.

“Damn it,” Luis nudged her, getting her attention to a promotion sign. 30% off all products. Final offer before closing today until next month! “Seems today is the last day this store’s gonna be open.”

Vanessa looked at her watch. “They close at 9pm. That leaves us 3 hours. Let’s split up. I’ll search from this aisle. You start searching from that side.” Vanessa pointed towards the opposite end. “We’ll cover more of the store faster this way.”

“On it,” Luis agreed.

Vanessa checked out the console aisle. Loads of controllers hung on display. Some were as old as the retro arcades while others seem to be crafted from a sci-fi world. A mix of old and new devices. This store had everything it seemed. She stepped into the first row that featured playable games. Gregory did have a console at home.

She looked under the Adventure and Space section. Her mind had to work harder to recall what games Gregory already had. He collected so many over the months that she started to worry if she accidentally got something he already had.

Freddy in Space VII, Carnival Quest, Into Madness, Help Wanted 2, Revenge of the Blob.

“He’s beaten all of these games…” Vanessa’s heart sank. There’s nothing new for his favorite theme. But maybe I could search other categories, I mean, he could love something new?

Vanessa strolled past the Space themed shelf, noticing the abundance of games under Fazbear Ent’s name. There were also Silver Parasol brands, but they were the needles in a haystack when it came to attention grabbing to the likes of Fazbear’s.

Vanessa reached the Collectibles category. Not surprisingly, she found that most of them had already been played by Gregory. Vanessa continued walking onwards. There was always something new in the world of gaming. She just needed to look in the right place.

She approached the Latest! aisle. This category was flashy, with marked prices at every turn. This was supposed to be the hottest sales in town, and the store was capitalizing on its promotions. Vanessa’s eyes lit and she smiled widely for the first time in this store. Gregory didn’t own a single game in this whole shelf.

Fnaf World The Return, Fruity Maze 3D, Playhunt, Terisma, Roxy Racers, Pizza Fest, Spend The Night-

Vanessa’s excitement disappeared with a crushing wave of realization. Just as rapidly as her hopes had soared, they plummeted faster than anticipated. All of these games…they were exclusive to the VR platforms…

Vanessa felt acid in her stomach. Why…why did it have to be like this…? Her hand reached out to one of the games, picking it up for a closer look. A fun experience for all families to enjoy! Her eyes folded in despair, remembering all those times she kept Gregory from playing VR. All of this to keep him safe. But who was she really keeping safe with this? Gregory or herself?

Vanessa could feel tears beginning to form from behind her sockets. She put back the game and walked away, wandering into the next category of games. She felt completely distraught.

The Joy of Creation, Cherophobia, Bunny Call360, CASE, Jnr’s, The Hare, Plushtrap Chaser, Eclipse Hunt, Nightmare Circus-

Vanessa blinked. She had wandered into the Horror category. She had never been a fan of it, but she never really feared it. But she couldn’t help but feel that something was making her uneasy. She continued to walk, trying to narrow her vision away from the parting shelves as she strolled. Her sight felt claustrophobic, the appearances of bunny mascot horror themed games coming into view the further down the aisle she walked. It made sense, Easter was only around the corner, so of course they would make horror games based around the holiday…

Vanessa halted in her tracks, some of the covers starting to take the shape of something familiar. Something she had burrowed in long ago. She was hallucinating, feeling ill. She wanted to walk away, but the further she went, the more Easter themed horror she came across. It felt like the eyes of the covers were staring at her. Why was she seeing red eyes?

Vanessa grimaced and sped up to reach the end of this “rabbit hole.” It felt twisted, a shoved reminder of something she wanted to forget. I need to breathe. Vanessa headed for the exit. She needed fresh air.

Vanessa made it out, feeling her vision grow heavy. It was at that moment she saw it.

Not too far across the lit hall, danced an animal mascot. Its white fluffy ears flopped and flipped as the figure took a bow and skidded to the nearest child. It held a basket of wrapped chocolate eggs, passing over one of the treats to a young boy. Another child noticed the mascot and ran towards it. The bunny suit waved flamboyantly, doing a few bendy movements. The choreography made it seem like the mascot had no bones, fluently synced like water. It handed a young girl another one of its eggs. Vanessa could only stare in horror as she imagined the bunny’s face staring straight back at her.

She was beginning to hallucinate again. Red eyes. Red glowing eyes pierced her heart as though they were daggers. It’s mouth now a toothy grin as it pulled its arm towards its mouth to a shushing gesture. Blood flashes.

Are you having fun yet?!

Vanessa couldn’t take it any longer. The weight of her exploding guilt now made her head feel heavy. A tear snaked down her cheek as she collapsed on the ground. The fall didn’t hurt as much as her thoughts. Her legs felt numb like jelly. She couldn’t muster the strength to help herself.

“Vanessa?” Luis called from afar, noticing her leave as the lobby door closed. Something was not right. She wouldn’t just leave like that.

Luis stacked whatever he had gathered behind and went after her. Hang on Vanessa. Whatever it is, I'm coming! Luis rushed, feeling he had to know what was up. He noticed merely the mascot smiling at him and waving flamboyantly. Oh no…I think I know what might have startled her!

“Vanessa,” Luis assisted his girlfriend by supporting her arm around his neck. “Are you hurt?” Vanessa remained silent, her face upset and wrecked with tears. A few people were starting to notice both of them on the floor. Luis quickly helped her up. “Vanessa, let's talk somewhere quieter, away from everyone.” Luis whispered.

The pair slowly got up and walked to the lobby doors, leaving the commotion they made a mystery to onlookers.

Luis and Vanessa found a quiet corner by the back stairway. The trail led on to the underground parking lot. Vanessa leaned against the rails as they stopped walking. Luis was more worried as she sobbed, her sleeves soaked with tears. “Vanessa, what’s making you feel like this?” Luis approached, taking out his handkerchief.

Vanessa shook her head and sniffed. Leaning further back with a loose grip on the rails. “It was that mascot wasn’t it,” Luis slowly put his words together. Vanessa responded with a brief nod. Luis had known she was never happy about what she did in the past. But he didn’t realize it broke her this badly. Until now.

As he tried to wipe her cheeks, Vanessa wrapped her arms around him tightly and cried again, Luis could feel his shoulder drenched. Her cheeks, which were usually warm, were just cold. “Vanessa…”

“I’m sorry Luis…” She spoke in a fragile voice. She loosened her hug on him, hearing Luis gasp very quietly in relief. “I just can’t leave it behind…”

“Leave what behind?” Luis placed his hand on her back to comfort her. Vanessa clinged onto his arm. She had a tough grip that felt like iron. Luis simply didn’t back down. Now wasn’t the time for him to act weak. He needed to help her, not make her panic more. He couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind.

Vanessa went back to her mutual silence. “Vanessa, whatever it is that’s hurting you….we can solve it….together…like we always have…”

She continued to remain silent for the time being. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Vanessa slowly looked up as the minute went by. “I feel like I shouldn’t involve you in this…” She told Luis blankly, the emptiness in her voice siphoning her dread. She had bottled this feeling up that she could no longer hide it again.

“Everyone is doing perfect without me. I just can’t seem to forget what happened all those months back. I’ve always tried to act like it’s been ok, but nothing really feels like that.” Vanessa sipped in another breath of air as she proceeded. “Thinking about you and Gregory helped me out many times before. But I keep circling back to the past. Our very own relationship somehow keeps making me think about the past.”

Luis held a thought about what she said. Vanessa wasn’t finished just yet. “Gregory was able to move on. He doesn’t see me as the monster I was. Even you didn’t hold on to that fact. But I did. And I feel like I’m holding both of you down from moving forward. It’s all my fault…” Vanessa’s eyes pooled out salty tears.

“But you didn’t kill those kids. It was that glitch. You told me yourself-“ Luis objected.

“I still was the vessel. I’m not a murderer, but that doesn’t mean I deserved what I have right now either. I feel like I don’t fit in, “ Vanessa cried, her blonde hair messed in shambles. “I feel there’s always something wrong with myself. When I was Gregory’s age, I never was brought up in a good family. I never had a proper childhood..and now it’s making me ask myself if I’m always the problem. Everything feels like it’s my fault.”

“But Ness,” Luis comforted, “It was you who started this little family. It was all you. After you were freed, you accepted my idea to get some coffee together, remember?”

“And?” Vanessa sniffed, wondering where Luis was going with this.

“And that only was possible because you said yes. You opened up to me about what happened to you. And then you felt you wanted to make it up to Gregory and adopted him. You, Ness, are the core of this family. You’ll always have a place in our hearts.” Luis spoke warmly. “You don’t have to feel bad about the past…”

“But it’s my past that made me like this…” Vanessa pointed out. “Now I realized why it was so hard for me to pick a gift for Gregory. It wasn’t because I couldn’t find what he wanted. It’s because I knew what he wanted deep down. But I buried that idea because I was afraid. I was afraid of his wish that reminded me of something from my past. I’ve been so selfish…”

“These things take time to heal Ness,” Luis gave her the biggest, warmest hug as he said this. “Tell me, before all this. Before the glitch and fear. What were you like?”

“Well…” Vanessa flashed back, trying to recall further past her dreaded experience. “I was all alone. No one to look after me. I was just out for number one.” The thought of Luis meeting her for the first time came to the picture in her head. “I don’t think I cared much about my colleagues back then…I had nothing to share with”

Vanessa sobbed. “I’m sorry…”

“Ness, don’t you feel like you’ve come a long way? Your past may have not been your proudest pet of your life, but, would you say you’ve changed?”

“I…well..I guess…” Vanessa replied halfheartedly, unsure what he was going to state next.

“You’re a mom to Gregory. Despite the stress the responsibility of his care would bring, you felt like he needed it. You put aside your goals and shared a life with him. And with me…” Luis brought it up. “You gave me a chance and allowed me to be part of your family. And how do we make you feel in return?”

“You make me feel…” Vanessa held her tongue before she spoke. She could only think of one answer. It was so obvious to her, that it came out smoothly. “Happy…you both make me feel happy..”

“And you deserve to be happy.” Luis boldly reminded Vanessa. “There’s nothing to be scared of. I’m here for you in your life. And so will Gregory. No matter how long it takes, we won’t leave you behind. That’s what makes us your family.”

Vanessa shed another tear along her cheek. But this wasn’t a tear of regret or sadness. She could feel that hint of hopeful joy sprout back up from inside. It was like Luis’ words had made her realize the very thing she was missing the whole time. Everyone knew the real her. Her true self would care for her family and would be loved by those she cherished. Somehow Vanessa no longer felt like the threat. Luis made his point clear. None of the good things she had right now would have happened had it not been for her selfless actions. Why be afraid of the past if her future was so much more?

Vanessa looked Luis in the eyes. “Thank you Luis..for reminding me.”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The pair had a long evening. Luis and Vanessa were strapped in seat belts as he drove her home. Vanessa held Gregory’s gift in her arms, all nicely wrapped up. The cake was in the back, steadily secured.

I won’t be afraid of the past anymore. Vanessa thought as she stared out the car window. The woodland trees running by as the moon poked its face to join the clouds in the starry sky. Gregory, I love you my son. And I want you to be happy as you have made me. Vanessa’s fingers patted the wrapped gift. And I believe that you’re gonna love what we have for you. I know I’ve said many things about this before. But now it’s time for the future. You’re my future Gregory. And I want to be there with you every step of the way. I never got the wish to be happy in my childhood. So let me make yours come true…

Vanessa thought about how everything had unfolded as Luis drove into her neighborhood. Her worries had completely faded as of now. The excitement was all that was left in her heart.

Her house appeared in the view as Luis’ car slowed down. Her doorstep faced the driveway as she unbuckled her seatbelt. “I’ll take the cake to my house until the party as we agreed, right?” Luis double checked.

Vanessa nodded and smiled. She felt her hand reach out to grasp Luis’ arm. “Hey also..”

“Yeah?” Luis realized his eyes were locked deeply at his girlfriend’s line of sight. Something else was happening. Vanessa’s face was getting closer, Luis felt himself freeze. It took him completely by surprise. He felt Vanessa’s soft lips brush against his. The pair closed their eyes as they shared the kiss.

Vanessa slowly pulled away after a while. Her cheeks were gushing pink. There was nothing more to say. Words weren’t enough to beat the compassion she had just been shown. She slowly got out of the car, present tucked in her arm. Luis still felt speechless. No way! That was… wow! Was I dreaming?

Vanessa mirrored Luis’s gleeful smile and waved. Luis waved back, eventually driving off. He glanced back using his side mirror to see Vanessa enter her house. It’d been a long night.

Tomorrow is another day…

“I’ll see you again Ness,” Luis replied to himself as he safely drove home.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The alarm rang.

Vanessa slowly peaked at the greeting sunlight as her head sunk deeper into her pillow. She pressed the snooze button and slowly sloughed up. Today’s the big day!

It felt funny, to pretend like it was an ordinary morning when Gregory awoke. Same schedule as usual. He got ready for school and boarded the bus. Not suspecting anything. He doesn’t know- Vanessa giggled to herself, proud of how everything was coming together. She spent the whole afternoon texting Luis, making sure everything was in place. This feels new. There wasn’t a feeling of stress present. She no longer had a drive to achieve perfection. She knew that she was enough. No, more than enough. Gregory was going to enjoy this.

Soon enough as school ended, Luis picked up both Vanessa and Gregory. The child’s bored out face suddenly glowed with a cheered smile as he noticed that Luis was driving towards the Pizzaplex.

“Oh, are we gonna hang around the arcade?” Gregory asked, peaking his face at the window.

“Mhm, I think you deserve a well-earned treat for studying so hard.” Vanessa said with a merry voice. Gregory shot his arm in the air with energy. “Alright! Let’s go!” He exclaimed blissfully.

As Luis parked, Vanessa and Greg hopped out with Luis behind. Luis was about to open the trunk before his hand came to an abrupt stop. He turned to Vanessa, realizing Gregory was watching him.

Vanessa’s instincts clicked, she nudged Gregory playfully and took off. “Race you to the entrance!”

“Hey no fair!” Gregory raced after her. ��Last one’s a lazy mop bot!”

Luis laughed softly and slowly popped the trunk open, taking the cake and gift with him. Now that he’s distracted, that’s my cue.

Gregory and Vanessa burst through the doors at full speed. Everyone else had already gathered at the lobby. Roxxanne and Monty continuously shot stares at each other, before they saw Gregory had entered the scene. He raced straight into a hug of Glamrock Freddy. “Back for more fun superstar?”

“I sure am!” Gregory punched the air again, clicking his heels. He caught a glimpse of Glamrock Chica wiping her stained beak as she yelled “Pizza!” repeatedly. The Daycare Attendant was following her lead, cleaning up torn wrapping paper and cheese stains after her. Sun cocked his head towards Gregory, reacting as fast as he could to dump the trash in the nearest bin. He awkwardly skipped to waving at Gregory, who waved back without suspicion.

“So which game are we gonna play first?” Gregory called out eagerly.

Roxanne was about to suggest something before Monty pushed her aside to interrupt. “Gator Creek!” He roared with pride.

“Gator Creek is for toddlers,” Roxanne mockingly objected. “Howl Mayhem is a good one if you want to show you’re the best,” she shrugged her hair and flexed her arm.

“How about we let Gregory pick?” Freddy suggested, pointing his finger as the idea sprung up his circuits. Gregory tapped his finger in his chin, wondering how he was gonna choose out of the hundreds of arcade games. Chica stumbled right back on the scene, fumbling as she squawked “Pizza!” again.

“Good idea,” Gregory remembered. “Let’s head to the Pizzam machine!” Gregory sprinted, leaving Roxanne and Monty speechless at Chica. “HOW?!!” They both asked, wondering why everyone listens to Chica.

It didn’t take long for Monty and Roxanne to go after Gregory. They didn’t want to miss competing again. Vanessa walked to Chica, noticing that she was in a dizzy stance.

“Pizza!” She squealed, almost as if she was resisting a powerful urge within her.

“Chica what happened?” Vanessa inspected her bestie, looking very worried. Chica’s eyes twitched heavily, her beak hung open and snapped shut.

“Chica couldn’t find much of a gift to get for Gregory,” Freddy explained. “So she tried wrapping the one she liked that she knew she could give him.”

“Pizza…” Chica interrupted weakly, placing her hand on Vanessa’s arm, resting on the floor as her eyes jiggled in her sockets.

“Unfortunately she kept ripping open her gifts of pizza due to her having quite an appetite. So she tried hiding tons of wrapped pizza from herself all around the Pizzaplex and attempted to stay on…diet,” Glamrock Freddy shook his head pitifully.

“Oh my, you must be starving,” Vanessa helped Chica up. She really was fighting off her instincts to not eat. But she could easily have snapped into full hungry mode at any moment. Vanessa walked her to the party room. “Freddy, help me keep Gregory occupied. Me and Chica will set up the surprise with Luis.”

“You can count on me Vanessa,” Freddy flashed a “rock and roll” hand gesture, before going after Gregory.

Chica weakly pointed towards a ticket booth. “I’ve hidden….. my last gift in there…. I need to stay away from it until the time is right…”

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Vanessa hummed. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you fixed.”

“Wait for me! I want to help too!” Sun danced after them in an altered state.

“I have an idea,” Vanessa looked at Sun in relief.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The Pizzam Machine spat out a stream of tickets as the bright words of “New Best'' flashed at the draw-dropped faces of Roxy and Monty. Gregory jumped up and down energetically. He basked in his victory as the name GGY took the top spot of the high score leaderboard.

“We uh,” Roxanne and Monty looked at the floor, swallowing their pride ever so bluntly. “We went easy on you,” they both commented in sync.

“Sure you did,” Gregory blew his hair and collected his winnings. “Now should we chill at the VIP Party Room?”

“NO!!!!” Roxy and Monty exclaimed, taking Gregory by surprise.

“Uh what I mean is-“ Roxy thought hard, scratching her paw against her chin.

“There’s so much else to do!” Monty raised his finger, nudging Roxanne.

“Right right,” Roxanne nudged back, giving an annoyed yet silent stare at Monty. “Freddy, what’s the latest addition to the Pizzaplex’s arcade?”

Glamrock Freddy stared blankly as his system searched for the latest intel. He then robotically stood tall and pointed his finger up before explaining. “The Fazer Blast has received numerous updates in the past week from-“ Freddy went on to ramble about every specific detail. Closing his eyes fashionably as he explained with a glamorous smile.

Gosh this is turning into a lecture….. Monty listened boredly to Freddy’s tutorial guide, realizing Roxy is already racing Gregory to the Fazer Blast. “Hey wait up!” Monty Gator took off.

“-coin consumables each sold separately , if you have a VIP voucher you may play modes like Zombie Mode and Frenzy, discounts apply-“ Freddy opened his eyes, finally realizing he was talking to no one. “Oh-“

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Luis stacked all the gifts by the other Glamrocks on the side table. The cake sat in the center. He noticed a scuffling voice as Glamrock Chica was helping herself to an endless supply of slushie in the next room. Sun was multitasking between hanging the decorations and mopping up excess slush leaks coming from the other room. He looked exhausted but determined to keep up with the max process.

Vanessa took another deep breath and blew the last balloon, tying its knot. Luis hung up a Happy Birthday banner and strung it to the corner poles of the room.

“Ok let’s see….balloons?” Vanessa eyed her list.

“Check,” Luis presented.

“Cake and presents?” She called out.

“Done.” Luis replied

“Food?” She asked, looking worried.

Both Luis and Ness turned to see the table of snacks and delicacies unspoiled and untouched, causing the pair to sigh in relief. Sun scrambled back to Glamrock Chica’s room as his jester heels clicked, causing him to fall over. Before Vanessa could react, Sun shot his hands straight in front of him to counter his fall, his palms cushioned the floor, tipping his entire body into a forward somersault. He spun flamboyantly in an almost similar fashion to a looney tune cartoon. Sun landed right back on his feet and proceeded to grab the mop before the mess would grow.

Glamrock Chica sat there under the slush machine, her beak widened to intake more fizzy liquids, causing it to spill on her room floor. Her eyes suggested she was lost in another world. Sun shook his head, once the machine runs out, it’s gonna be hopeless. Sun looked at the food table nervously as he mopped.

Vanessa heard her phone buzzing. She answered her call. “Freddy?” She could hear laser beam sound effects in the background.

“Gregory is about to head back once we finish this round. Is everything ready?” Freddy’s voice beeped in.

“Yes yes, the party is set,” Vanessa hushed in an affirming voice. “No more stalling. Thank you Freddy.”

The call ended quickly. Vanessa looked at the Daycare Attended working hard to clean up Chica’s leftover spillings. “Sun, are you able to keep this up until Gregory arrives?”

Sun spun and rotated his head like a wheel before nodding, keeping his ever stained smile. “Just a lil longer,” Luis encouraged, “You’re doing great!”

Vanessa shut the binders on the window panels to make sure no one could see what they were up to from outside. She and Luis prepped up confetti blasters and faced the doubled doors. Any moment right now, Gregory would be in for the big surprise!

Seconds ticked by, they could hear the slightest footsteps of a child sprint across the carpeted hall followed by multiple metallic foot stomps parading after.

“I win!” Gregory shouted at the top of his lungs as he burst through the double doors as sudden as a Jack-in-a-Box. He felt alive, springing forward as the champion of the race. His victory call was instantly interrupted.

Gregory was frozen with shock as his jaw started to hang open. The surprise wasted no time. Confetti shot out and fired at Gregory, flailing ribbons and puffs of coloured paper shards at his entrance. The balloons kissed the ceilings and dangled their tails over the tables. The cake was lit and sparkling with its candles.

“SURPRISE!” Everyone chanted.

“Whoa what?!” Gregory stood back at the sudden exclamation of the party. His eyes started to water as his smile grew. This scene he witnessed, there was something speaking to his heart. He felt just right at home and was touched emotionally. “You all planned this just for me?”

Vanessa started to clap in sync. The Glamrocks arrived behind. Sun recognised his cue and lowered the lights, making the candles more ambient. Chica kept herself from asking about eating some cake. Vanessa took a deep breath as did everyone. “Happy Birthday to you….”

Gregory felt his hand reach his heart. The others chimed in as they sang this lovely song. Gregory had never looked so happy. This felt new to his eyes, it promised him that his friends cared about him.

As the song ended, Vanessa softly placed a party hat on Gregory. “Make a wish,” she whispered.

Gregory sipped in the air and blew out the candles. “You are all my wish,” he replied sweetly. Everyone cheered in response.

Roxanne and Monty got into their cues, holding their gifts forwards. Chica stumbled out from the other room, holding her crumbled gift. The Daycare Attendant dusted her beak with a hope of polish before grabbing his own gift as he turned back on the lights. That was a close one… he thought to himself.

Freddy got his gift and Vanessa took her place in line behind him. Luis got out his camera and started taking pictures. Roxanne flushed her hair to sway from the side and knelt in front of Gregory. “Happy Birthday.”

Gregory opened her red parcel wrapped in purple ribbons. He pulled a hand mirror and some appliances for styling his hair. “With this you might even look cool as me,” Roxy joked playfully.

Gregory chuckled. “Thanks Roxy.”

Roxy smiled as she let out her most humble line. “You’re the best.”

Next, Monty stepped ahead and placed a large green box topped with a yellow bow. “Are you ready for this kid?”

“You bet!” Gregory pumped, unwrapping the gift to find two gator themed dumbbells. He picked one up and slowly lifted it.

“Remember kid, if you wanna be like me, take care of em biceps,” Monty flexed.

“Thanks I will,” Gregory flexed back, also putting down the dumbbell. It was heavier than it looked! Next came Sun, holding a very small dark blue parcel. Gregory unwrapped it to reveal a Moon shaped night light.

“Aw,” Vanessa warmly admired.

“To help you sleep better when the night turns the lights off,” Sun presented humbly.

“Thank you Sun,” Gregory appreciated, “I’ll be using this a lot!”

Chica shook as her turn came. Her beak twitched open. “Oh my, Chica what happened?” Gregory asked, looking worried.

“Nothin-“ Chica’s voice cut as she presented her gift in Gregory’s arms. “I got something for you.”

Gregory could smell something baked and delicious underneath. He opened his crumpled pink parcel to see a mass of cheese, tomato sauce, and crispy dough. “Lasagna?”

“P-pizza!” Chica chirped assuringly. “Do you like it?”

Gregory smiled back at Chica, seeing the effort she went through. “I love it,” Gregory patted Chica. “You know, it is more fun to share,” he handed her the box. Are you hungry?“

Chica nodded in delight, as Gregory let her devour the pizza mass as he watched in satisfaction. “Thanks Chica.”

Now it was Glamrock Freddy’s turn. It was smaller than the others. No larger than Greg’s doubled fist. It was bright orange, tied off neatly with a cyan bow. Gregory’s eyes fell on Freedy, who smiled in return. “Happy Birthday Superstar.”

Gregory lifted off the lid of the gift. Inside was a brand new faz watch. “Oh wow!”

Freddy pointed his finger up and explained the qualities of the watch as he slid his eyes closed in a humble fashion. “The faz watch is an upgraded version of the one you have. Aside from apps like games and learning tools, the faz watch is also connected to our systems. Which means you can finally contact us whenever you like.”

“Wait, really??! Anytime?” Gregory’s mouth spun into a gleeful smile. Freddy’s eyes shot open as he remembered. “Well except for school hours,” he let out a mechanical chuckle, scratching his ear with a tweak. Freddy felt something suddenly wrap around him. He looked down to see the young birthday boy giving him a big bear hug. Freddy calmly patted his mopped hair. “I promise I’ll call you guys everyday!” Gregory cheered.

Finally it was time for Vanessa’s present. She stood strong and firm, but remembered to smile as she gracefully approached Gregory. The parcel was pinkish white with red ribbons and a bow. As Gregory examined the parcel, he could feel its weight. Books?

Vanessa could see that Gregory was confused a bit. But as he slowly unwrapped, Gregory’s draw dropped hard. “Oh my-“

This present was the largest. But Gregory could never have predicted what he just got.

“A VR headset!!” Gregory exclaimed at the top of his lungs. “Wait, but didn’t you say-“

Vanessa nodded. “My fears kept me from letting us have fun. I always wanted to protect you from anything. It took me a while to see that.” Vanessa turned to Luis for a moment. “But I know now that no matter what happens, as long as we are together, nothing can hurt us. That’s why-“ Vanessa motioned Gregory to unwrap the present further, revealing that there were three headsets in that box. “I wanted us to play together. I knew you always wanted a VR headset. We can spend time on everything as a family.” Vanessa finished her words warmly.

Gregory started to wipe his eyes, he felt so touched by her words. Tears, but tears of joy, ran along his cheeks as he gave Vanessa the biggest hug ever. “Happy Birthday Gregory.”

“Thank you-“ Gregory sniffed and hugged harder. “Mom.” He finished.

“Aw.” Everyone smiled in awe. Vanessa could feel a release in her heart that she hadn’t felt for so long. She felt this was her new beginning. Luis, Gregory, and everyone present. This was her family now. And she would treasure them to her core. With only joy erupting out of her, the future had never been so bright as a lit torch, guiding her through her brand new life.

“So who wants cake?” Chica wiped her mouth. Everyone laughed in response, celebrating.

The End.

[yuseirra]

hello there! i've been lurking on ur blog for a while now, and i absolutely love your art and analyses of hikaai!! you made me realize how good of a ship they are together and how tragic it is, and i think you made me love them as much as i do now. the analyses you write about them have really changed my viewpoint of oshi no ko entirely, and i really enjoy how well written they are. thank you so much for all of it!!

i wanted to ask you if you know some songs that seem very hikaai to you? i want to make a playlist for hikaai because i can't find any on spotify, but right now there's not many songs, so i turn to you for help. i've put mephisto and fatal in there because of your posts with those songs :33

thank you once more !! keep being great !!

Hello!// Wow, it's such an honor! I say this a lot lately but I really mean it.. Really? I am so glad! Ah, this makes me so happy. I've been writing about them in a rather frantic manner, I wish I could be more graceful and calm... I'm suddenly feeling a bit shy hehe but I have to be really stern about wrong things, aren't I!! I can't be so calm when I talk about beings like Ryosuke, there are just some things that I feel really strongly about and can't condone... this manga tackles really dark subjects sometimes, and they always get a reaction out of me.

It may take a few chapters for the current situation in the piece to be fully resolved (idk if they'll drag the idea of Kamiki being the "true villain" for so long.. that's going to be so tiring if they do), but I feel like I am on the right track after having thought over just what exactly this piece is trying to convey. ONK has a theme that's been very clear and consistent, and I believe in the writers to send out a message powerful and meaningful. It's made me think about what people go through, and I appreciate it.

Again, wow, really?/// I had that effect on you? Whew, this is so relieving and fulfilling, you're so kind! Thanks for letting me know! They are quite a lovely and powerful ship, aren't they? People will come to see what they are by the series comes to its closure. I know it will happen! There aren't a lot of pieces dedicated to them yet... but when everyone realizes it's THE Fatal and Mephisto ship, they'll see. Hope my works don't get buried when that happens~ ;v;)/

I would love to help you on this, but I was never really good at making playlists.. will you link me yours when you make yours? :)

I'm really sure I know a lot of songs that have their vibe, but I can't finger them right off the bat:

However, I felt the new songs from P3R really suits them in terms of some of its lyrics because it deals with the loss of someone dear and unknowing what to do without them. I've been listening to those a lot along with onk songs, and it's REALLY fitting!

+OH WAIT NEVER MIND. I found a whole BUNCH of songs.

I hope they suit your taste 'v')/

It feels like my heart is suffocating

How do you make amends when you're gone from me?

Even though with a win how come I feel so lost?

Nothing makes sense to me

I'm so numb, so lost without you

Spending days and nights of silence

'cause no words can explain how I feel In my mind and heart

Oh, I don't know what I am but I miss myself 'cause she's not here anymore

How can I move on? Please tell me

Already lost my keys

To the door wide shut

Only have one wish

Now it's never gonna come true

Trapped in time

Forever in remorse

How could I ever be

In peace when nothing else matters to me?

Phantasmagoria is a interesting song, there are lyric in the description.. its story involves encountering a ghost of a loved one and dancing together before daylight strikes, wishing to return to the old days when they were alive. It's worth a listen!

Hydra from MYTH & ROID is such a powerful song.

ACTUALLY, this is the one song I think would be REALLY fitting, it's SO similar to Fatal in terms of what it's saying!

The lyrics for this go:

Even if I lose everything

I still have something to offer

Be it my future or my life itself

My burned-out emotions, my unanswered prayers

My miserable begging, my foolish giving

My strained voice, my dirtied hands

Even my ripped open heart

I have been wishing for nothing but your happiness

Over and over

Even if everything I hold in these hands is lost

As long as there is still time

I will keep trying over and over again

I don't care if it's meaningless and futile

Even if the days I've spent would end in misery

If my wishes change to curses

Even if it was all in vain, I don't mind

Only you remain in my eyes

At the end of this dark road

It seems as though any light would eventually die out

If that is what is decided by fate

Rather than living by holding onto hope

I sacrifice my all for the now

My burned-out emotions, my unanswered prayers

My miserable begging, my foolish giving

Whatever happens, I don't care

I will give my all for you

Nothing would make me happier than

If I could be with you forever

This song is very interesting too! It has lyrics like:

Please, I’ll do anything, just once, let me turn back time.

I’ll even offer up one, no, two of my fingers.

I can’t bring myself to laugh, ever.

Because even the most natural of my emotions vanished along with you.

Yes, that’s right.

No matter how many years pass, I still live as if I’m dead.

Now, God, break me, break me, please.

I have no idea what happened.

This bone-dry heart of mine, come on

touch it, touch it, please.

Even if a thousand years pass, they won’t heal.

I’ll carry these wounds to the end.

Hey, God, kill me, come on, kill me, please.

It’s all my fault, you see.

Things can never be put back to the way they were,

in the end, just laugh, laugh at me again.

These are some depressing songs, but I feel like those were the type of feelings Hikaru would have felt all along. And the songs involve about wishes to bring someone or to turn back time, so I feel it's very fitting to the situation! If he could do it, he'd definitely bring Ai back. And from what I see, he's disregarding his life a whole lot...

How about "Mugen Nostalgia?" I'm just adding this on because this cover sounds so good! But now that I examine the lyrics, it works!!

Until when will I walk by myself?

It spins round and round, then it slips past by.

Until where will you let me feel lonely?

Are you giggling? Where are you?

I want to see you again.

Is it too rushed to go now? But it's always like this, isn't it?

"Can I see you again?"

Don’t laugh at me with such a blank face, like a scarecrow at the sunset.

I’m still chasing what I've been looking for.

So I will never stop my footsteps until I finally find that. 

There’s no need for such thing as promises.

I'll come for you, so don't worry, it's my classic memory.

Saying “since you’re so lovely I can’t stand it,”

I held tightly to laziness’ hand, feeling completely tamed while it looked my way and laughed laughed so many times, saying, “that’s how it is”while looking at me with distant, pitying eyes

Grieving these horrible times—yes, over and over I’ve suffered

Since salvation without an aim can never reach

There’s nothing left, no, nothing left now

Let’s put an end to it with words

“Ah, I’m satisfied with this” I chanted that over and over

A utopia which slips through my fingers and vanishes

It’s surely, yes, surely a bit too late to return to that time, it seems

I can't get my mind off you

I'm such an idiot

Same as usual

You made me feel so better

It brings back memories

It's things about you

My hands can't take back that the time I passed with you

Some doubts broke me down, broke me down

If you are still alive, I wanted to say it's not your fault

But it's too late for us

Maybe I'm afraid I'm not as tender guy as you think

Looking your eyes, and I say "love you" with fake smile

I don't know what to do

Please tell me what should I do

Just feel so sad inside, but I kiss you

Kiss you...

To end this on a positive note, Lamp from Cö shu Nie seems really fitting to how Ai would feel towards Hikaru, I've been there when TPN was reaching its closure and I'm having so many flashbacks about them seeing how things are playing out in ONK. Emma really wanted to save Norman who was keeping up a strong front and chose to take a path of death for everyone's sake and she was able to bring him back in the end with.. a really huge cost... This song reflects how much she cares for him. She brought him back into the light, and I feel like this is what Ai is going to do for Hikaru too.. it's such a warm song.

It's been confirmed by the creator that it is about how Emma felt about Norman.

Quasi love, quasi love, quasi love. I want to be connected

What you thought was a waste and you removed(your life)

Is irreplaceable to me

Don't stay quiet with such a sad face

Kick it up

Get so dirty that you look pathetic

Do we still have some time left?

You can go beyond

It's warm because we are together

Stand up again and again

I want to protect you forever

Repaint this little world

Keep shining, this road I chose

If you are afraid, it's gonna be okay.

The QUASI-LOVE though. That gets me because. Ai. was so unsure about love even while what she had was so genuine.

hope you enjoy these songs~ I wish I could bring some songs from mainstream pop culture too, o<-< but I think there are some things that anime...ish songs can fill. I mean, I feel they're REALLY fitting.. don't you think? and they're all good songs!! I promise they're all worth giving a listen to!

I'm so glad you found love towards this ship the way I do! ;v;)/ Thanks for reaching out to me to tell me how you feel!! See you around, I look forward to sharing more things with you, and everyone!

[bagopucks]

A group of Michigan Brothers and their tall friend

🤝

A group of Michigan Brothers and their tall friend

From one hyper fixation to the next. If you wanna know where I’ve been, it’s with my music.

If there’s one thing I’ve loved all my life, it’s been music. It has been so long since I’ve genuinely invested myself in a band I felt meaningful or enjoyable. Modern music is not my favorite thing. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I just don’t enjoy the vast majority. This however, I can get behind. Nothing beats modern rock that sounds like it was pulled from the 70’s. I’ve always been envious of older decades that had such beautiful music, and I can’t even express how wonderful and fulfilling life has felt with the one thing I’ve wished for since I was old enough to listen to and comprehend music. I can’t explain it in a way to make anybody understand, but this music, this fashion, this time feels almost.. like a reality in a way. Like it’s actually within my grasp. It’s something I’ve always loved but I never had the privilege of loving in the present time. Now I do, and the love I used to hold for music has returned at such an overwhelming pace that life feels so full again.

Nothing touches my soul deeper than a beautiful voice and meaningful lyrics. Something poetic and fun. I’ve been an artist since as long as I can remember. I feel incomplete if I don’t have good music to listen to, or a muse for drawing and physical art. Music is beautiful in an indescribable way.

Due to the transition period I’ve started, from high school to college, and a lot of change, my OCD and depression has been spiking on and off like a switch. I’ve been pretty busy these past few weeks, seeing as everybody at work simply decided to quit, so my hours are through the roof. I’d like to take a break to focus on my art and my future for a month or so. Possibly until the new season opens. I’m not saying a permanent goodbye, I promise I’ll be back. I just need some time for myself, and I’d love to explore my other interests some more while I have this past summer as a ‘kid’.

Always feel free to check in, submit thoughts, questions, just talk if you want to talk. I’ll still be on tumblr, just not writing. Though I’ve kept my accounts separate, with this break, I’d like to extend the opportunity for anybody to follow @teddydrawshockey (my first account) if they’d like. I’ll probably continue to post art there from time to time. Requests for art, drawings, anything of that nature is always welcome on that account as well.

I want to give a sincere thank you to all of those who have followed and remained consistent through the few months I have done this! It has been so much fun, and I can’t wait to return to writing soon. The support, interaction, and love for my work was what kept me going. This account was initially created so I could get some of my own ideas down on paper. Then interaction came in, and I decided to make something out of it. I thank all 800+ of you who have followed for the ride. And the ones who popped in every once and a while to check out my works and spam my account. I am eternally grateful, and I do hope you all stick around for my return.

I promise this is not the end, I’ll be back

-Ella

[jo-harrington]

Jo, oh you my love who puts the Jo in joy.

Give me your top 5 pieces of visual art about death and/or mortality.

<3

Oh Somna, my Angel of darkness and despair. I wish that I could bring you to a museum and talk for hours about art history and interpretation and all of that. This is my interpretation of a lot of these and some are not as straight forward as you might think.

A Dead Soldier - 17th Century- Artist Currently Unknown I had a visceral reaction seeing this one in person in London a decade ago. I probably looked crazy but we’ve been thinking about the futility of war and human life forever. What is the use to be born and live a life only to die for some futile cause of a king or a government and in your death you are discarded. Forgotten. It’s especially meaningful that we don’t even know the artist now. Death comes for us all, and even your memory will die but your work might live on.

Crucifixion and Last Judgement - 15th Century - Van Eyck Ok this one less because of the biblical elements (I actually have a whole feeling about biblical depictions in art I could give a lecture) but because of use of color. IM SURE YOU KNOW PIGMENT ISNT CHEAP especially historically. That’s why prominent figures like Jesus and Virgin Mary and all of that are painted with vibrant colors to kind of show off their importance and the wealth of the patron. But. In this, all of the living people who came to witness the crucifixion in their colorful garb (ignore Mary in her blue, she’s special) and then the masses of people after the last judgement who are muddy and dull. But Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist all of these prominent celestial figures in color because of their importance. The contrast. In life you can have everything, but in death you become the dirt. Riches in life mean nothing. Your goodness/virtue is your wealth. I could SAY MORE. But I won’t.

Descent from a Cross - 17th Century- Rebrandt OK I AM A FORMER CATHOLIC Religious things appeal to me but once again less the religious and more the fact of Jesus surrounded by disciples in death. Being carried being lowered so carefully. Your memory, your lessons, your impact in life will be felt and carried onwards after you die. Who are you? But who are you to the people around you? Obituaries mean nothing. Everyone will remember Aunt What’s-her-face was a bitch.

TBH ANYTHING BY IVAN ALBRIGHT I know that feels like a cop out. But all of his work makes me feel a certain way about life, not about death. How gross we are, how fragile we are. He has a lot that focuses on regrets. They’re all grotesque. The painting above was of Albright’s 19 year old neighbor who modeled and he chose to paint her as an old woman to say “here. Here is what you will become here is what we all become.” Cherish life, cherish youth, cherish beauty. Even if we all believe ourselves to be imperfect, time will only make us worse so choose to live peacefully and happily as possible.

It’s not this piece but this piece is cool but there is a Japanese practice called Kusozu that depicts the stages of decay after a person dies. I’ve seen several sets of Kusozu art in person and just…it makes you feel something. It was after I saw it for the first time that I decided I didn’t want my body embalmed after I die. It’s a beautiful process, to have your body give back to the earth that made it be. There’s a scientific thing that’s like…well I guess it’s spontaneous combustion actually but all energy in the universe is finite. We’re not gonna get any more. A river pushes a boat, the energy of the movement of the water propels the boat forward. If the water is still, the boat is still. We die and then the energy, the atoms, the particles of us should go back to the earth. What happens when we pump a dead body with chemicals to prevent decay? Do we know? How can we know the effects on the earth? But a natural decay? We are the earth and the earth is us and a wolf can eat your liver and live on for another few days. You fertilize the soil and become the flowers.

Death is life. This was fun.

[scepterno]

Oh my god I love nsfw with acc feelings in it it makes it so real and meaningful icl

I remember reading one where Alejandro was insanely focused on Noah and like to get handsy and describe every part he loved ab him😭 Alejandro when he’s not playing in TD is so different towards people (if he wasn’t attracted to Heather he’d be attracted to Noah?? Or something like that I remember seeing it) but yeah Noah felt so safe with him and wasn’t at all nervous to say no to things in the fic it was so sweet☹️

I haven't read any nsfw fics of alenoah simply because.. erm...... i do not enjoy a lot of alenoah fics in general.. i cannot shake the feeling that most are written by teens so i just tend to avoid them by virtue of not wanting to read some high schooler's fanfic. i am a stickler about proper grammer, syntax, rhythm and beats, or what have you. *pushes up glasses* i am a scholar in STEM at heart. do not let the art degree fool you! when you get older and go to college you tend to...................................... now, i don't mean to be rude, but you tend to refine your tastes in literature, aka silly gay fanfics in the internet.

i just cannot bring myself to sit through more than 2 sentences of a fic if there's not proper punctuation or grammar. (also you can sort of tell when a fic is written by someone young or inexperienced, which, you know, power to them! you cant get better if you dont suck first! but that does not. mean. i will subject myself to Suck) i simply cannot. it hurts my bones.

that was a totally unrelated tangent. WOOPS. sourry 'bout that, mate.

what you're thinking of is the reddit AMA with alejandro's original voice actor where someone asked if they could see alejandro being attracted to anyone other than Heather, using Noah as an example, and he agreed. (they kind of led him into that one, so i take it with a grain of salt, but celebrate nonetheless)

i personally cannNNNAWWWWTTTT see Noah as submissive in a sexual situation with alejandro. with someone like Emma? yeah. sure. vaporize that stupid twink. but with alejandro, who brings out the competitive, spiky side to Noah??? i cant see him assuming the submissive role. maybe he likes to get pampered and Pillow Princess'd once in a while (he is VERY lazy to his core, after all).

i do find it interesting how most people tend to agree that alejandro would be a much better person as soon as he's no longer on reality television. although, i suppose that applies to most characters, especially the villains.

i personally still think that alejandro has a nasty side, since he wasn't ALLOWED to have a nasty side around his family (or he'd get a beating). being on total drama let him have fun with being a complete asshole, which is not something he was ever allowed to do before then, because he's supposed to be perfect! and suave! and a gentleman! Chris hired him to be a dirtbag, so he played the part and had a blast doing it (until it bit him in the ass)

i do regret not being able to show alejandro's Nasty Side more in my fic, but i dont' really think there was room for it given how hard he was trying to redeem himself both in his family's eyes, as well as Noah's. once he and Noah are more comfortable with each other, Alejandro definitely allows himself to be let loose a bit and forego the manners. he truly DOES admire that Noah isn't a pushover, because he considers himself one and wishes, deep down, that he wasn't so compelled to be a people pleaser. there is a subconscious filter in his brain that keeps him generally polite, just because it's been drilled into him by his family (diplomatic and strict, cough cough) that being undesirable or off-putting is something to be punished for.

EGADS, it appears I have allowed myself to ramble again, so I'll cut it off here. sorry for using your fairly straightforward message as a means of info-dumping. 'tis the turn of the tide, or what have you.

じゃね~~~~!!!

[kissami]

☄︎. *. ⋆ BLIZZARD REASSURANCE•°. *࿐

➵@_ahblue_ on twt for art!

➵ In which a certain adepti has a meaningful snow day with his sweet [Y/N] and getting the reassurance he needs.

➵fem!chubby!reader with she/her pronouns!

➵warnings: none just pure fluff with a sprinkle of jealous [y/n]

➵ unedited again because I’m lazy but I’ll do it eventually ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

I’m In Love With You - 1975

0:09 -〇───── 4:22

⇄   ◃◃   ⅠⅠ   ▹▹   ↻

VOLUME: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌: 1,123

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

The winds were becoming more and more colder as winter finally arrived.

The soft snowflakes nibbling onto people’s rosy cheeks, the winds making some people’s eyes begin to water but nonetheless, it felt nice for the people of Liyue.

Xiao continued to keep his guard up and his attention to the people of the beautiful region, but his gaze continued to flutter over to his friends that were having a blast playing with the snow.

He saw Hu Tao throwing a snowball onto Zhongli’s head making him sigh but still continued to pay his attention to the younger funeral home owner.

His gaze trailed over to Chongyun and his aunt Shenhe who were making Xinqiu into a snowman. He saw the concentration on Shenhe’s pale soft face as her tongue stuck out in the corner as she worked her magic on making the best snowman in existence.

Then his eyes landed on qiqi and Xiangling as they were both making snow angels with Xinyan and Beidou on the hill in front of a house.

Ganyu and Keqing were both sipping tea with ningguang, trying to keep warm as their soft eyes kept an eye on everyone as well but regardless relaxation and comfort were evident in their forms.

And finally, his eyes landed on his lover who was belly flopping into the snow with pure happiness taking over her beautiful face.

She giggled as Hu Tao jumped onto her, giving her a tight hug as they both rolled around in the soft cold snow.

“It’s quite beautiful isn’t it?” Looking over, he saw Missy, the daughter of the famous Jifang, looking at him with a soft smile and handing him a cup of tea.

“Yeah. It is.” He answered shortly as he returned his eyes back to [Y/N] who was now chomping down on clean fresh white snow.

He saw her nose began to get a bit leaky but she laughed and continued to talk with her best friend in anticipation.

“You should be taking a break, Xiao. We’re all safe here, there’s no need to worry now.” She placed her hand on his, making him tense up as he stared back at her with shock lingering in his eyes.

He felt his cheeks begin to heat up, not because he was blushing from the touch, but from how embarrassing this must’ve been. He was only used to his [Y/N]’s touch but he now knew why he only liked her touch.

He quickly retracted his hands back and cleared his throat, looking over to see [Y/N] looking at him in suspicion.

He looked at his shoes as Missy began to speak again.

“Remember that one blizzard we all were together like today and had that huge snowball fight?Was truly one of my favorite memories.”

He nodded agreeing with her but his eyes looked up at the sky in concern.

“Looks like a blizzard is coming. Best we all return home safely.”

“Hmm.” Missy nodded and bit her lip in irritation as the whole group began to regroup to head back into the city to head home.

Before he could even register what was going on, she quickly placed her lips on his cheek in a peck and made her way back to her friends giggling.

He placed his hand where her lips were and began to feel warm on his face as he tried to wipe off her kiss before he turned around to see [Y/N] looking at him annoyed.

“Look it’s not what you th-”

She placed her hands out to him and smiled but he knew she was deeply hurt from what had just happened in front of her.

“I understand, my love. I heard and saw everything.” He opened his mouth to speak, but no words flowed out of his mouth as he wished and just stared at her pretty face as she wiped her nose from the cold with a cloth.

“I believe we should go home now...before it gets worse out here hm?” She spoke with tenderness and warmth in her voice. To give him some sense that everything was alright but there would be things they would need to speak about when they reach home.

He sighed, taking her hand gently into his and they both mad their way home. Silently.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

He laid on his side of his bed, looking blankly at the wall as he waited for [Y/N] to come to sleep, thoughts swarming his mind every second.

Is she upset? Is she mad at me? Will she leave me?

But all those thoughts washed away when he felt her shuffle closer to him, tugging him to hold her so they both could sleep in each others arms like always.

“Are you mad at me?” He finally spoke, worry laced in his voice as he nervously bit his lip waiting in anticipation for her response.

“Of course not. I trust you, Xiao. I know you wouldn’t do something like that to me, so no. I could never be mad at a situation like that knowing the truth.”

He let a sigh of relief out, making her chuckle and kiss his cheek repeatedly to truly show she wasn’t upset with him.

“But I am with miss pissy missy. Next time I see her face I’m gonna chop her toes off and shove them down her throat.”

A laugh erupted from his mouth, making him try his hardest to cover his lips but more laughs came out even more making her laugh as well.

“I’m so in love with you.” She spoke finally as the both of them calmed down.

He felt a huge rush of happiness fill his belly again. Even with all the compliments and constant reassurance he gets from her everyday, he still continued to become extremely shy and confused.

He was an adepti and his karmic debt weighing him down all the time and him feel unworthy of anyone’s attention, but knowing he had something, someone, who would be there waiting for him, cheering him on, gave him enough courage that he could continue to do good and slowly but surely heal.

Now he had a reason to live and fight everyday.

The two of them slept comfortably as the snow storm began, but no worries were shown on their faces as they held one another in content.

His [Y/N] was all he needed.

[burnwater13]

Concept art by Anton Grandert of Boba Fett and other members of the Sand People tribe jump on a repulsar train from speeder bikes in the deserts of Tatooine. Image from The Book of Boba Fett, Season 1, Episode 2, The Tribes of Tatooine.

Din Djarin woke with a start. He looked around and sighed. They were safe. Grogu was eating, as usual, and nothing was happening that needed the immediate attention of a Mandalorian bounty hunter. He was grateful for that. That certainly wasn’t how most days had been since he’d picked up the bounty fob directing him to a fifty year old male. 

He didn’t often think about how Grogu was technically older than him. And he didn’t think about all the ways this life had changed since he decided that, no matter what his age was, the child he’d seen first in the pram did not deserve to be handed over to ex-Imperials who couldn’t possibly have his best interests at heart. The decision had been easy. It was the execution of it that had been hard. That day and every day since then.

Now, the two of them were taking a short break from chasing other Imp remnants down and just relaxing on Tatooine. More or less. Fett had asked him to come for a visit. He wanted to talk to the tribes of Sand People and set up some sort of mutual aid agreement. Fett was still stung by what had happened to the Tribe that had taken him in and he clearly didn’t want that to happen again. 

Djarin had understood that. It was the same reason he’d been going after the Imp remnants. The people on Nevarro and Sorgan, and even Tatooine, didn’t deserve to have bad actors holding them hostage when people like Fett, and Fennec, and members of the Mandalorian diaspora could make a difference. They didn’t have to let the losers from a failed ‘empire’ bully the galaxy again. Just the same, he was glad to take a short break from helping the New Republic, which found it hard to get out of its own way, and just help Fett, who seemed possessed with the very essence of clarity of purpose. 

He just wished the dreams would stop. They were too real. Too tangible. Too meaningful. Sometimes the dream he had inserted him into Fett’s past. He was the one on the speeder bikes with the Sand People, attacking the repulsor train full of spice. Other times, he was the person riding on the rancor’s shoulders and destroying those scorpenek annihilator droids. And he absolutely hated the dream where he was sucked down into the sands of Tatooine and found himself engulfed with the dead and dying that the sarlacc hadn’t finished digesting yet. Of all the things, Din Djarin disliked, confined spaces were at the tope of the list. 

That would have been funny or ironic, considering his chosen profession compelled him to spend large chunks of life inside a starship. But when he was a boy, not much older than five years old, he’d fallen off a pile of feed stock at one of the neighboring processing plants and caused the wretched thing to collapse on him. Cava nuts covered his head, clogged his nose and throat with their dust, and almost crushed the life out of him. It had felt like an eternity before someone saw his hand, grabbed it, and pulled him up and out. 

During that eternity he’d heard a voice. Soft. Childish. Calm. “I’ll send for help. Don’t be afraid. I won’t let anything happen to you.” What other five year old could have possibly helped him? It didn’t make any sense but then he’d been rescued. His parents had given him a heck of a lecture and then hugged him to tight he felt like he was stuck in the cava nuts again. He’d heard the voice again. “Just breathe, Djarin. Just breathe.” He had and his fear of confined spaces had slowly resolved to a very healthy aversion.

Now, here he was on Tatooine. Experiencing that horror all over again and the thing that bothered him the most was that he hadn’t heard her voice. Yes, he’d grown to understand that child’s voice belonged to a woman. A person who’s voice he must have heard a dozen other times. When he was in danger. When he was afraid. When he was exhausted and injured. It was always calm, always reassuring, always comforting. Always a frustration because he had never once met the person who belonged to that voice. Not once. 

After the cava nut incident, he’d listened carefully to every person he met, young or old. Nope. None of them had been his dream friend. When the Mandalorians rescued him from the attack on Aq Vetina, he continued to check voices against his memories. Still nothing. How did someone know about him, but he didn’t know about them? It just didn’t make sense. 

After awhile he stopped obsessing over it and focused on the here and now. Which had worked well enough, more or less. But here and now, on this trip to Tatooine, his sleeping hours were filled with dreams and ‘she’ was back. To make matters worse, Fennec, Fett, Peli Motto, and even Grogu were talking about a ‘Dream Guardian’. Were they talking about his benefactor? It sounded right. He could well imagine the person that voice had grown into charging into a krayt dragon den as if it were nothing special in order to help children in distress. Djarin just hoped the dreams meant something good. He and Grogu and even Fett could use a break. 

With that in mind he went down to the kitchens of the palace and made himself a cup of caf. He started to laugh. Cava nuts were ground into a powder to make caf. He drank caf every day. He had no idea if the caf powder came from Aq Vetina or not, but even so, his past was never very far away and he supposed that was a good thing. 

“It is Din Djarin. Just breathe. This is the Way.”

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Evil Eye Book Review 🦇

❓ #QOTD Do you have any superstitions? ❓ 🦇 Raised in a conservative and emotionally volatile Palestinian family in Brooklyn, Yara thought she would finally feel free when she married a charming entrepreneur who took her to the suburbs. With her family balanced with her professional ambitions, Yara knows that her life is infinitely more rewarding than her own mother’s. So why doesn’t it feel like enough? Her mother blames a family curse for the trouble she’s facing, and while Yara doesn’t really believe in old superstitions, she still finds herself growing increasingly uneasy with her mother’s warning and the possibility of falling victim to the same mistakes.

💜 I could spend a year writing this review and it would not convey everything I need to say, nor the vast depth of emotion I felt while reading it. Instead, I'll start by saying thank you. Thank you, Etaf Rum, for a story that captures the complexity of being a Palestinian-American woman and daughter of immigrants. Thank you for illustrating the trauma that can leak from one generation from the next -- trauma we're seeing and feeling in real-time, as Palestinian families continue getting displaced from their homes. Thank you for crafting a woman like Yara, who, despite trying so hard to defy the expectations and limitations set on her, still struggles, because that is the reality of this life. A woman who, despite pain and invisible scars, took a step forward, embarking on a journey of self-exploration and change. Those words, "self-exploration and change," seem so simple. Maybe, to some people, they are. But to women of a certain background, certain upbringing, they seem impossible. From experience, I know what writing these perceptions (both through my own journal entries and through characters) can feel like. It's no easy feat, and takes quite a bit of self-exploration into yourself, the writer. So again, and a thousand times over, thank you. I've seen more of myself, my background, my history, than I could ever express in a review.

💜 Yara says, "I want to be a voice for Palestinians...I want to make people feel seen." Rum writes, "Her whole life, she'd believed reliability would never been granted to someone like her...women like her who were searching for themselves in the art around them, women whose experienced needed to be legitimized." That's what you've done. That's what this story, what Rum and Yara's story, has accomplished.

💙 I do wish we'd seen more positives to the Palestinian-American experience, if not through Yara's life, than through other Palestinians around her. But her isolation was a source of her depression, so I understand why we didn't see how other women like her were living their lives. I also wish we saw more consequences for her husband's actions. Then again, how often are men ever really held accountable?

🦇 Recommended to all readers, namely anyone to learn more about the Palestinian-American experience. Please remember, this is only one perspective, one version, one life. Millions have experienced the same root history; a catalyst that's echoed outward, uniting us through a shared experience. But as Yara said, olive trees grow back twice as large after they're burned to ash.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🧿 Palestinian-American FMC/Author 🪬 Journal Entries 🧿 Feminism 🪬 Literary Fiction 🧿 Mental Health (Depression/Anxiety)/Therapy 🪬 Motherhood 🧿 Trauma/Abuse

💬 Quotes ❝ But she also had dreams of making meaningful work, leaving her mark on the world. She felt certain, in the depths of her being, that something beautiful wanted to be created through her. ❞ ❝ Why didn’t the world recognize that identity and privilege were accidents of birth? How much more empathy would people have if they understood that their position in life was decided not by goodness or merit or fault or need but by luck and chance, a toss of a coin? ❞ ❝ It was because all her life she’d learned to feel safer in obedience than to be free. ❞ ❝ Language was often a bridge, but sometimes a barrier. No matter how she chose her words, they would likely come out a bit distorted, inadequate...Silence was better than being misunderstood, erased, unseen for who you really were. ❞ ❝ Her soul had always been cracked in the center, her body split in two, her feet stretched so wide between opposite sides of the globe that she couldn’t stand straight. ❞

[rytheanon]

Honestly I don’t know where else to put these thoughts of mine so here it goes:

Ingo and Emmet have become comfort characters to me to a startling point that I feel like I can relate to them at some points. It doesn’t make me a kinnie or whatever the heck that is, I don’t know I’ve been on the internet a lot longer than most people since you could play knock off neopet websites or get viruses on your computer simply looking up cheat codes for Pokémon sapphire and ruby to learn how to understand braille or Sims cheat codes. Or those CD computer games for learning like Jumpstart or Pajama Sam or even Putt-Putt……anyways off topic where was I……oh right comfort characters.

So I’ll be Frank I never knew about these guys until last year February because there was a point in my life I actually got tired of Pokémon. -gasp- shocking right? Around that time Black and White came out followed by Black 2 and White 2, so I never knew about these guys or how much they would mean to me years later. Come last year when PLA came out and everyone started freaking out about Ingo, and I was like “Who is that?” Then down the rabbit hole I went. Finding out these guys had autistic characteristic made me so happy that I felt like for once I was being seen. I fell for them both head over heels. And I wanted to know more about them, and who better to tell me than AO3 and Tumblr, right?

That was the start of them becoming something so meaningful to me, I loved every au I could get my hands on, found so much beautiful art and stories it made my head spin, I even made friends for once that understood my feelings for these characters. So I wish I could tell the train twins, Thank you for giving me such happiness after I was burnt out and found stuff meaningless. Thank you for giving me friends who understand me. Thank you for inspiring me to draw again. And Thank you for being you! I’m ready to ride this train for however long it goes, thank you!