#winging it through life on a dream and some weed

[emmg]

Emmrich: *sees a filthy hole*

Worne: ?

Emmrich: *starts weeping*

Worne: ??

Emmrich: it’s just like you, dearest *sob* *sob*

Worne: ???

🕳️ WIP Wednesday (on Thurs) 🕳️

Tagged by @heylittleriotact

WELL this one was supposed to be released by now but I have had the absolute delight of needing to write confronting truths to the worst sorts of people. Menace is a way of life. I bring you this. I don’t know what to title it. Weeping Lizards? Sodden Hole? Muddy Salt? Help. I blame @emmg for its creation this is your fault. We’re in Hossberg and Emmrich is crying over a muddy hole that reminds him of Worne (Rook).

———-——-

“Now, please, I have to see to Emmrich, shoo. Everyone’s off.” Rook motioned it with a flick of his hands this time; well aware he might have better luck physically urging the ground below to trot on before budging the Qunari. Thankfully Taash needed no further encouragement and long strides were soon taking them past Emmrich. They paused at a shout from behind.

Rook, calling like a concerned parent, “And get something nice for Lace first!” Taash waved back, looked over their shoulder, regretted that once the Warden started mouthing further instructions, what was he saying? “Floooowers.” And he was pointing at himself, and at Emmrich and. Taash rolled their eyes. Took a moment to turn and mouth back an exaggerated but silent, “Nooooo.”

Rook flipped them off, they sent two back. Rook’s eyes went wide, and he pointed a stiff finger at them. Taash groaned and rolled their head full round. Mouthed a “Fiiiiine.” And finally disappeared down the path back to Lavendell.

The Warden quickened his step. Emmrich hadn’t moved in the time it took to send Taash away for errands. The mage remained locked in place, red and wet faced, staring long at a muddy hole.

Rook didn’t question it, did his best to not startle him, that hazel gaze was far, far away. “Emmrich.”The hushed tone was followed by a soft touch. Fingers entered at waist, trailed up the spine until they went up to hold that opposite shoulder steady, gave a firm grip, a gentle pull towards the rogue. The necromancer was trembling, Rook eased into a shape that fit close, that first touch a needle of first stitch, and like thread he pulled them flush together.

Emmrich didn’t startle, seemed to expect him, subtle movements meeting Rook as he settled into the Warden’s hands finding their way to their places. Still, he kept a bit tense, hands tight together in front. White knuckled as he spoke sniffing,

“Rook. Darling, it’s…look, I…” and then Emmrich laughed, piercingly loud, a wincing crack that made Rook flinch to a confused smile. But the noise was manic prelude, and it was swallowed in the sob that drove it free. The mage’s eyes welled, wet trails provided easy paths for fresh tears as flood resumed. He turned his head down and into Rook, lips quivering to recall words. Shine on his face wrenching the rogue’s gut, Rook listened, attentive as possible, but the necromancer’s trembling smile stretched the sounds.

Emmrich’s hands unclenched from each other and dove round Rook in a desperate clinging embrace. The Warden answered with whispered soft ‘shhhh’s’ and diligently caressed the tall man’s back. They held there for long moments, Rook bearing their weight as the quivering necromancer eased into fewer wails and more whimpers.

Blubbering, mumbling, further shuddering chuckles, but eventually, helped by Rook’s firm embrace, calming touch, and steady pace of lungs, the breaths came even enough for thoughts. Emmrich squeaked out, “...it reminded me of you.”

He gestured towards the filthy hole. And then a lizard popped its head out. Mud obscured its sight, some kind of weed stuck to its chin, and its big dumb face was wide, letting nary a thought bother its whim. Emmrich snorted. Then started weeping again.

—————

tagging: @caffeinatedmunchkin @thepalehorsevictoria @ollypopwrites (look I know you’ve likely been tagged but this is me saying tag me on all your writing updates because imma miss it if you don’t I’m staying away from this place as much as possible to write. Sincerely haha I’ll catch up on commenting when I caaaaan because holy shit all the writing is so good. I’m forgetting people TAG ME I need to post or imma edit the whole thing again.)

[vivmaek]

POETRY FOR YOUR MOON SIGN

✰ my masterlist poems written by someone who has the same moon sign as you <3

☾PISCES☽

Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream Within a Dream

“Take this kiss upon the brow! / And, in parting from you now, / Thus much let me avow – / You are not wrong, who deem / That my days have been a dream; / Yet if hope has flown away / In a night, or in a day, / In a vision, or in none, / Is it therefore the less gone? / All that we see or seem / Is but a dream within a dream.”

June Jordan, You Came with Shells

“You came with shells. And left them: / shells. / They lay beautiful on the table. / Now they lie on my desk / peculiar / extraordinary under 60 watts.”

Toni Morrison, It Comes Unadorned

“it comes / Unadorned / Like a phrase / Strong enough to cast a spell; / It comes / Unbidden, / Like the turn of sun through hills / Or stars in wheels of song. / The jeweled feet of women dance the earth. / Arousing it to spring. / Shoulders broad as a road bend to share the weight of years. / Profiles breach the distance and lean / Toward an ordinary kiss. / Bliss. / it comes naked into the world like a charm.”

☾AQUARIUS☽

W.B Yeats, A Coat

“I made my song a coat / Covered with embroideries / Out of old mythologies / From heel to throat; / But the fools caught it, / Wore it in the world’s eyes / As though they’d wrought it. / Song, let them take it / For there’s more enterprise / In walking naked.”

W.B Yeats, The Lover Tells of the Roses in His Heart

“All things uncomely and broken, all things worn out and old, / The cry of a child by the roadway, the creak of a lumbering cart, / The heavy steps of the ploughman, splashing the wintry mould, / Are wronging your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart. / The wrong of unshapely things is a wrong too great to be told; I hunger to build them anew and sit on a green knoll apart, / With the earth and the sky and the water, re-made, like a casket of gold / For my dreams of your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart.”

Louisa May Alcott, The Lay of a Golden Goose

“Oh! Be not rash,” her father said, / A mild Socratic bird; / Her mother begged her not to stray / With many a warning word. / But little goosey was perverse / And eagerly did cry, / “I’ve got a lovely pair of wings, / Of course I Ought to fly.”

☾CAPRICORN☽

John Milton, Sonnet 19

“When I consider how my light is spent, / Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide, / And that one talent which is death to hide / Lodged with me useless, through my soul more bent / To serve therewith my Maker,”

Jala al-Din Rumi, The Guest House

“This being human is a guest house. / Every morning a new arrival. / A joy, a depression, a meanness, / some momentary awareness comes / As an unexpected visitor. / Welcome and entertain them all! / Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, / who violently sweep your house / empty of its furniture, / still treat each guest honorably. / He may be clearing you out / for some new delight. / The dark thought, the shame, the malice, / meet them at the door laughing, / and invite them in. / Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent / as a guide from beyond.”

Gwendolyn Brooks, a song in the front yard

“I’ve stayed in the front yard all my life. / I want a peek at the back / Where it’s rough and untended and hungry weed / grows. / A girl gets sick of a rose.”

☾SAGITTARIUS☽

Lewis Carroll, A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky

“In a Wonderland they lie, / Dreaming as the days go by, / Dreaming as the summers die: / Ever drifting down the stream – / Lingering in the golden gleam – / Life, what it is but a dream?”

Dante Alighieri, From “Inferno”

“It’s the pain / of the people down there that empties my / face. / It’s pity / that you’ve mistaken for fear. / And it’s the long way / that pushes us now. / Let’s go.”

Victor Hugo, Tomorrow, At Dawn

“Tomorrow, at dawn, at the hour when the countryside whitens, / I will set out. You see, I know that you wait for me. / I will go by the forest, I will go by the mountain. / I can no longer remain far from you. / I will walk with my eyes fixed on my thoughts, / Seeing nothing of outdoors, hearing no noise / Alone, unknown, my back curved, my hands crossed, / Sorrowed, and the day for me will be as night.”

☾SCORPIO☽

Sarojini Naid, Autumn Song

“Like a joy on the heart of a sorrow, / The sunset hangs on a cloud; / A golden storm of glittering sheaves, / Of fair and frail and fluttering leaves, / The wild wind blows in a cloud. / Hark to a voice that is calling / To my heart in the voice of the wind: / My heart is weary and sad and alone, / For its dreams like the fluttering leaves have gone, / And why should I stay behind?”

Shel Silverstein, Dreadful

“Someone ate the baby. / It’s absolutely clear / Someone ate the baby / ‘Cause the baby isn’t here. / We’ll give away her toys and clothes. / We’ll never have to wipe her nose. / Dad says, “That’s the way it goes.” / Someone ate the baby.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Aftermath

“When the summer fields are mown, / When the birds are fledged and flown, / And the dry leaves strew the path; / With the falling of the snow, / With the cawing of the crow, / Once again the fields we mow / And gather in the aftermath.”

☾LIBRA☽

Maya Angelou, Caged Bird

“A free bird leaps / on the back of the wind / and floats downstream / till the current ends / and dips his wing / in the orange sun rays / and dares to claim the sky.”

Emily Dickinson, Good Morning – Midnight

“Good Morning – Midnight – / I’m coming Home – / Day – got tired of Me – / How could I – of Him? / Sunshine was a sweet place – / I liked to stay – / But Morn – didn’t want me – now – / So – Goodnight – Day!”

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, My Heart and I

“You see we’re tired, my heart and I. / We dealt with books, we trusted men, / And in our own blood drenched the pen, / As is such colours could not fly. / We walked too straight for fortune’s end, / We loved too true to keep a friend ; / At last we’re tired, my heart and I.”

☾VIRGO☽

Robert Hayden, Those Winter Sundays

“Sundays too my father got up early / and put his clothes on in the blueback cold, / then with cracked hands that ached / from labor in the weekday weather made / banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him. / I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking / When the rooms were warm, he’d call, / and slowly I would rise and dress, / fearing the chronic angers of that house, / Speaking indifferently to him , / who had driven out the cold / and polished my good shoes well. / What did I know, what did I know / of love's austere and lonely offices?”

Jack Kerouac, How to Meditate

“Thinking’s just like not thinking- / So I don't have to think / any / more”

William Faulkner, Study

“Muted dreams for them / for me / Bitter science. Exams are near / And my thoughts uncontrollably / Wander, and I cannot hear / The voice telling me that work I must, / For everything will be the same when I’m dead / A thousand years. I wish I were a bust / All head.”

☾LEO☽

Walt Whitman, I sing the Body Electric

“I sing the body electric, / The armies of those I love engirth me and I engirth them,”

Oscar Wilde, The Ballad of Reading Gaol

“Yet each man kills the thing he loves, / By each let this be heard, / Some do it with a bitter look, / Some with a flattering word, / The coward does it with a kiss, / The brave men with a sword!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Friendship

“A ruddy drop of manly blood / The surging sea outweighs, / The world uncertain comes and goes; / The lover rooted stays. / I fancied he was fled, – / And, after many a year, / Glowed unexhausted kindliness, / Like daily sunrise there. / My careful heart was free again, / O friend, my bosom said, / Through thee alone the sky is arched, / Through thee the rose is red; / All things through thee take nobler form, / And look beyond the earth, / The mill-round of our fate appears / A sun-path in thy worth. / Me too thy nobleness had taught / To master my despair; / The fountains of my hidden life / Are through thy friendship fair.”

☾CANCER☽

Shakespear, Sonnet 147

“My love is as a fever, longing still / For that which longer nurseth the disease, / Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,”

Robert Frost, Acquainted with the Night

“I have been one acquainted with the night. / I have walked out in rain – and back in rain. / I have outwalked the furthest city light. / I have looked down the saddest city lane. / I have passed by the watchman on his beat / And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain. / I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet / When far away an interrupted cry / Came over houses from another street, / But not to call me back or say good-bye; / And further still at an unearthly height, / One luminary clock against the sky / Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right. / I have been one acquainted with the night.”

William Blake, Auguries of innocence

“To see a World in a Grain of Sand / And a Heaven in a wild flower / Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand / And eternity in an hour”

☾GEMINI☽

Rudyard Kipling, Blue Roses

“Half the world I wandered through, / Seeking where such flowers grew. / Half the world unto my quest / Answered me with laugh and jest. / Home I came at wintertide, / But my silly love had died / Seeking with her latest breath / Roses from the arms of Death.”

John Keats, To Sleep

“Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords / Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole; / Turn the key deftly into the oiled wards, / And seal the hushed Casket of my soul.”

Lord Tennyson, The Eagle

“He clasps the crag with crooked hands; Close to the sun in lonely lands, / Ring’d with the azure world, he stands. / The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls; / He watches from his mountain walls, / And like thunderbolt he falls.”

☾TAURUS☽

John Donne, Air and Angels

“Twice or thrice had I lov’d thee, / Before I knew thy face or name; / So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame / Angels affects us oft, and worshipp’d be;”

Audre Lorde, Recreation

“my body / writes into your flesh / the poem / you make of me. / Touching you I catch midnight / as moon fires set in my throat / I love you flesh into blossom / I made you / and take you made / into me.”

Margaret Walker, Lineage

“My grandmothers were strong. / They followed plows and bent to toil. / They moved through fields sowing seed. / They touched earth and grain grew. / They were full of sturdiness and singing. / My grandmothers were strong. / My grandmothers are full of memories / Smelling of soap and onions and wet clay / With veins rolling roughly over quick hands / They have many clean words to say. / My grandmothers were strong. / Why am I not as they?”

☾ARIES☽

E.E Cummings, Love is more thicker than forget

“love is more thicker than forget / more thinner than recall / more seldom than a wave is wet / more frequent than to fail”

Mark Twain, Genius

“But above all things, / to deftly throw the incoherent ravings of insanity into verse / and then rush off and get booming drunk, / is the surest of all the different signs / of genius.”

Paul Laurence Dunbar, Ships that Pass in the Night

“Out in the sky the great dark clouds are massing; / I look far out into the pregnant night, / Where I can hear a solemn booming gun / And I catch the gleaming of a random light, / That tells me that the ship I seek is passing, passing.”

[danosrosegarden]

the little things

{thoughts on surviving a suicide attempt, one year later.}

it feels like an odd thing to be counting down to. it plagues my mind and eats at its wrinkles as i’m watching the days quickly wither and fade away on my calendar. one year later. what’s there to say? the chrysalis was woven tight around my body, pressing down on my throat. and when it finally burst, i was not the glimmering, bright butterfly i dreamed of. i was an ugly moth, dark wings sprouting like dry weeds from a barren ground. maybe i could be that butterfly in another life. and so i tried. i really gave it my best shot, didn’t i? you know it’s bad when even killing yourself results in embarrassing failure.

i appreciate the little things now. we failures all say it, because it’s true. the little things glow with a kind of glistening spotlight that never shined before; the crispness of the air in my lungs, the savory smell of the food on my plate, the wrapping warmth of the fuzz in my comforter. i think of every step i take and breath that sweeps through my body and i wonder if there was some kind of mistake, me being saved and not somebody else. life giving me these brand new eyes, a gift that had my name handwritten on the tag. i’ll never feel deserving.

it’s the churning feeling in your gut and the saliva flooding your mouth right before you vomit: realizing you meant to hurt yourself. your hardworking heart and the guts that break their backs processing, the warm blood, the beautiful mind. what a betrayal it was for me to try to throw it away.

it takes a village, it takes those brand new eyes, it takes a healed heart, it takes a mending brain. i thank them for working together to hoist me up. i thank myself for surviving. i thank the sweetest souls and most precious presences for teaching me how big of a gift it is to experience anything at all.

if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got some living to do.

[creepypastaartist3]

Golden wings full story (UPDATE)

_Monday 12:45 A.M December 18, 2014_

Thunder crashes through the night sky as rain hit the side of a old brick house that was covered in old vines and overgrown weeds. Andrew woke up, frantically feeling a cold sweat run down his back. He tried calming down as his hands couldn't stop shaking. That dream, a recurring dream that came to him almost every night. The screams that were ear piercing with blood and the shadows of light.

Slowly, Andrew got out of bed and walked out of his room to the kitchen. Turning on the light, he walked over to the purifier and poured water in a little plastic cup. his family was always poor, but he didn't mind all that much as long as he was near the woods that was all that mattered. Throughout his life he's always taking a liking to the woods ever since he was little it was just so peaceful and calming. He loved watching the animals run by or the deer walking around in the backyard.

walking back upstairs, Andrew looked at the family pictures on the wall. All the lies and the untold truth that were behind every smile, it should've made Andrew so angry, but that was one thing he loved about himself is that he never could, nor bothered to he was so used to it at this point that it was just another numbing feeling he had.

walking into his room, he turned on the light, knowing he wasn't gonna be able to sleep that night. It was so quiet in the house all that you could hear was the rain hitting the side of the house sitting at his desk, and just stared at the laptop screen the black screen, reflecting his face, having him stare directly into his own darkened eyes. His black hair was messy, and his pale skin almost blending into the wall. Andrew slammed his computer closed, not able to stand the side of himself. His face was pale as snow and his eyes were sunken in with heavy bags under them. Andrew never really gotten much sleep because of the fact that his mom would either be drunk and be loud all night like a party girl or his insomnia or sleep paralysis making him stay up or be scared awake.

_ Tuesday 10:50 AM_

Walking to his next class, Andrew couldn't stand how loud the kids in his school were. Even though everyone was forced to look the same and dress the same with the stupid uniforms and dress code there were still some people that thought they were better then everyone else even though all that people cared about was passing high school and getting the fuck out there were still the few that was just given everything and couldn't stand not having the spotlight on them even for a second. When Andrew got into his classroom he noticed his friend Eden with her head down on her desk. He walked over and sat down next to her wanting to see what was wrong. She was usually the upbeat extravert type way, Andrew was and introvert. Before Andrew even had the chance to see what was wrong a Gatorade bottle the thrown at her head causing it to spill all over her messing up her blond hair and standing her clothes red. Laughter could be heard behind Andrew and Eden and when he looked over he saw Olivia standing there with her boyfriend laughing. This pissed off Andrew But he managed to hold his tongue and helped Eden up escorting her to the bathroom to help her clean up. Andrew was pansexual so the other girls didn't mind Andrew being in the girls bathroom all that much. Andrew grabbed some paper towels and started fixing Eden's hair, "why didn't you tell me Olivia was picking on you i could have dealt with her for you" Eden Hugged herself as she tried not to cry, "I didn't want you to worry you already have to deal with a lot at school and at home." She was right Andrew was practically a Father to his little sister and was having problems at school keeping up with his classes because of his dyslexia and ADD. "Let me worry about myself you don't need to be going through this alone I can help." Andrew Put Eden's hair up in a pony tail and fixed her black bow. "thanks Andy but really I can handle myself" Andrew rolled his eyes and looked at her with a bland expression. "what ever you say but you know i can kick some ass if you want me too"

_ Thursday, 1:05 AM_

The light was blinding. voices crowded in his head screams, laughing, crying panic set into Andrew's head as he saw blood on the floor, dripping from his neck. Suddenly he woke up in his bed, staring at the ceiling and taking a deep breath his heart felt like it was running laps in his chest Andrew sat up and turned on the lamp on his nightstand. After a moment Andrew felt something off like something wasn't right. Suddenly, there was a crash downstairs that echo throughout the house, Andrew quickly ran downstairs and not long after looking around he saw his little sister and mom being held at gunpoint by a man with a black mask. Andrews hart started racing, he didn't know what to do and was to scare to even move. His sister was crying and his mom was holding her blocking her from the gun. The man was screaming at them, everything seemed slow, soon Andrew couldn't even hear the man yelling anymore just his movements. Before Andrew could even think he ran over to the man and tackled him down trying to protect him mom and sister. They wrestled on the ground for what seemed like for eternity before a loud shot could be heard through out the house. Andrews eyes were wide and he looked down and saw blood spoking into his shirt and incredible pain running through his body. Everything seemed to fade away slowly as his vison become blurry then darkness surrounded him.

slowly, waking up, bright white light floods into Andrew's eyes looking around he noticed that it was a bright white room with a thrown like chair in the middle and so they got up off the floor walking around. Suddenly three people walked into the room two females that had suits on and a shorter man standing in the middle. "Welcome my child." The man smiles gently at Andrew while the other two just stood there with no expression. "where am I who are you? "Andrew looked almost scared that this was almost like his dream, blinding white lights and unsettling human light creatures. The man got closer to Andrew and smiled more. "my dear child you're in heaven and I am God" Andrew backed away from the man. "No, that's not possible I'm not. I can't be."

Panicking Andrew looked around, trying to find a way out "Oh you see my dear. I had your memory wiped it will help you be less distracted." god smiled more, but the more he smiled the more creepy he became," see, unfortunately my son Michael was killed, locking his brother away in hell and your soul is quite strong" The more the man spoke the more Andrew became confused," I want to make you an archangel" Andrew shook his head" I can't what makes me worthy enough to stand by your side?" the man smiled dropped a little," we have been watching you, since you were first born. I even picked you myself you're strong and dedicated willing to risk your life for others. I would be honored to have you stand by my side." Andrew questioned everything that the man said he knew it was sketchy and how the man was talking wasn't normal and more creepy. Eventually, Andrew agreed, and before he knew it, bright gold light surrounded him, drowning out any noise and blinded him.

_ January 1, 2019_

heaven was in a panic Andrew tried calming down the other angels but there was no luck. Rafael and Gabriel were gone nowhere to be found It was just Andrew. Rumor got around that God was missing, and Andrew gathered as much angels together as he could trying to calm everyone down when angels started a riot against him. "you could've killed him! We all know about your power! You could've killed him just so that you could take over heaven!" Andrew was shocked by this and one by one all the angels turned on him, casting him to purgatory before, he could even protest against it.

_ unknown_

it was cold and dark. Andrew stumbled around the wooded area of purgatory. His grace was weak, and it took all of his strength to not fall down. Leaning against the tree, almost giving up on trying to find a way out. After what felt like hours Andrew started walking again looking around, hoping to find an exit. He saw an almost portal looking shape in the side of a hill. The wind was strong around it with leaves flying everywhere. Andrew wanted to see where it led to hoping it was an exit out of this hell take a chance and step closer slowly, and eventually everything went black

moments later light was shining on him, and birds could be heard from afar, slowly opening his eyes, Andrew sat up feeling grass under his fingertips. Quickly getting up Andrew looked around, trying to figure out where he was. There were trees as far as the eye could see, but they didn't look like the ones from purgatory. They were more alive and instead of silence Andrew could hear animals walking around and birds, singing through the woods. Andrew was almost at the verge of tears, with how happy he was, even though he knew he was now going to be hunted down by the others he didn't care he was just happy that he wasn't slowly dying in purgatory anymore.

Andrew walked around admiring his father's creation when suddenly he had wrestling nearby. It was fast, and Andrew knew it wasn't an animal. Looking around, Andrew slowly backed up a little sudden he was tackled to the floor and pin down. A hatchet was at his neck and the attacker was wearing orange goggles and a strange looking mask. Andrew didn't seem bothered by the hatchet knowing that it couldn't kill him or even hurt him. Suddenly there was a voice behind the attacker. It was dark and human like it was nothing like he's ever heard before. "that's enough Toby." the attacker that Andrew assumed to be Toby, got off of him, putting his hatchet back on his belt and looked up to see a tall, faceless man wearing a black suit. Andrew looked confused, trying to think back to when his father created this thing.

Andrew got up still looking at the thing in front of him confused this angered Toby "be respectful when you're in the presence of him!" Andrew just looked even more confused as the faceless creature somehow talked "Toby, calm down my child" Toby seem to have calm down a little, but Andrew still felt Toby's cold glare on him "Mind if I ask, but what are you?" The faceless creature seem to be Surprised and a little taking back that Andrew wasn't scared of him "my dear child I'm Slenderman, also known as the demon in the woods" Andrew didn't really have a reaction to this new information. "And this is my proxy Tobias Rogers. "Andrew looks at Toby noticing his head twitching a little and was making strange noises. "is he OK?" the slender creature, looked at the man next to him. "unfortunately Toby has a physical disorder that's called Tourette's." Andrew

remembered his father talking to him One time about disorders he gave to some people, Tourette's being one. "tell me my child what are you? You're not human and don't act like most creatures I've seen." Andrew seemed hesitant to tell him not fully, trusting the faceless man that stood in front of him Slenderman noticed this, and spoke a little more strongly "I see that you don't wanna tell me is it because you're scared of something?" Andrew was a little taken back, but finally decided to tell Slenderman everything, "I'm in archangel, one of my father's stronger creations. I was casted to purgatory after some issues in heaven, and made it out now I'm in hiding, knowing that the others are out hunting me" both Slenderman, and Toby look shocked "we shouldn't trust him he could be lying "Toby reached for one of his hatches, before slender man stopped him "Are you able to prove this in anyway?" Andrew think a little before stepping back. Andrews eyes started glowing gold, as bright gold light surrounded him, showing a shadow outline of his wings. Toby slowly took off his goggles, staring at Andrew in

complete shock, and little frightened. slowly the light fades and Andrew looks up at the man, it was a little hard for Slenderman to talk after that, but finally was able to form some words "what is your name my child?" Andrew spoke with no hesitation this time "Andrew Winchester" slender man thinks for a moment before speaking "I've been needing someone to protect my proxies, you see there's so much I can do but something has been killing off some of my proxies, so with saying that I'll make you a deal you help me protect my proxies, and I'll give you a place to hide from the angels" Slenderman, reaches out his hand seeing of Andrew would accept or not. Without thinking Andrew placed his hand in Slendermans, and that is how everything started.......

[annisa--adler]

TRIGGER WARNING: mental illness (depression, ptsd), eating disorders, suicide, drug mention

❀ *◦ brianne tju. genderfluid. she/they. gay. ⇝ hey, isn’t that annisa adler ? i think that the twenty-four year old from anchorage, alaska works as a receptionist at lightning griffin tattoos & dance instructor at alister’s dance hall & studio, but outside of that, people describe them as singed angel wings & the smell of burnt sugar. i hear they are secretive & overly sensitive, but they are also known to be kind-hearted & gentle. consider giving them a visit at their home in seal harbor apartments and get to know why they’re called the dreamer.

BASIC INFORMATION

NAME: Annisa Jane Adler NICKNAMES: Nisa BIRTH NAME: Bulan Susanto AGE: 24 BIRTH DATE: July 1, 2000 ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer ETHNICITY: Indonesian, Chinese GENDER: Genderfluid (she/they) ORIENTATION: Gay BIRTHPLACE: Jakarta, Indonesia OCCUPATION: Dance instructor at Alister's Dance Hall Studio & part-time receptionist at Lightning Griffin Tattoo

RELATIONSHIPS

SIBLINGS: Kurt Adler (brother, deceased), Ava Adler (sister),Cyrek Fawn (brother), Marisol Adler (sister), Donnie Adler (brother) RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single CHILDREN: N/A

PHYSICAL TRAITS

FACE CLAIM: Brianne Tju EYE COLOUR: Brown HAIR COLOUR: Brown HEIGHT: 5′1″ WEIGHT: 115 lbs. BODY BUILD: Petite 

HEALTH

ALLERGIES: N/A SMOKES?: Yes DRINKS?: Yes DRUGS?: Yes, weed on occasion CHRONIC ILLNESS: Early onset osteoporosis due to anorexia

DISORDERS

ADDICTIONS: N/A MENTAL DISORDERS: Depression, PTSD, anxiety, anorexia (in recovery) WHEN WAS THIS DIAGNOSED?: Annisa was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and anorexia when they were 17; they were diagnosed with PTSD when they were 19

BIOGRAPHY

EARLY BEGINNINGS

Annisa was born in Jakarta, Indonesia and put up for adoption soon after birth. They were adopted when they were an infant by Carolyn and Howard Adler and were brought back to be raised in the United States

When Annisa was adopted, Carolyn and Howard already had one child that they’d adopted, Kurt. He was older than Annisa and he fiercely looked after them from day one, always playing the role of the protective older brother

At the age of 3, Annisa took their very first dance class and they were instantly hooked. Their entire life revolved around ballet and they dreamed about one day becoming a prima ballerina. Although there was pressure to look a certain way in ballet, Nisa tried their hardest to not let it bother them

As the years went on, the Adlers took in several children: Ava, Marisol, Cyrek, and Donnie. All the children became life-long siblings and the fact that not one of them shares blood makes no difference to any of them. They're a family, through and through

From a very young age, Annisa had known that they were gay. However, being raised in a religious household, they were in denial for a while before they finally accepted themselves and came out to their family as gay when they were 17

Though the children’s mother had nothing but love for her children, to bit a of fault even, their father wasn’t as forthcoming. While their mother was warm and welcoming, their father was cold and distant and eventually, push came to shove and they split

When Cyrek was 16, he attempted suicide and though Nisa wasn’t there to witness it, they’d been scared to death of losing Cy and had clung to his side in the hospital

THE BREAKING POINT

The Adlers’ lives came to a screeching halt on a spring day in 2014. Annisa was picked up early from dance class by her distraught father and she quickly found out why--Kurt had committed suicide. Suddenly, Nisa's world was in pieces

In the aftermath of Kurt’s death, Annisa felt utterly lost and blamed themselves for their brother’s death, positive that there must have been some way they could’ve helped him. They fell into a deep depression and soon after developed anorexia. They quit dance and nearly failed out of high school before their parents placed them in a treatment center to get help for their eating disorder at the age of 17

Annisa was in inpatient treatment for over a year and even after getting out of the hospital, they suffered through a cycle of recovery and relapse for years. While Nisa was lost in their disorder, they became a stranger to their family. The person that had once been soft and sweet was now deceitful, manipulative, and angry. They lashed out at anyone who questioned them too closely. While stuck in their disorder, they lost their family’s trust and for good reason

After treatment, Annisa worked to earn their GED and then went on to get an Associate’s degree in business with the goal of someday owning and opening their own dance studio

WHAT COMES AFTER THE DARK

In 2022, Nisa finally succeeded in becoming a dance instructor specializing in ballet

Annisa has now been in successful recovery for almost two years

While Nisa had identified as a woman for their entire life, recovery has helped them to rediscover themselves and in 2021, they came out as genderfluid

Within the last few years, Nisa learned that Kurt had a daughter named Ju-mi and has since become very close with her niece, whom they babysit regularly

[idolsgf]

✨9 Ship Songs✨

Rules: List nine songs for one of your ships

I was tagged by @transprincecaspian weeks ago for this, sorry I'm just now getting to it. I've been burnt out from work but I'm going through all my tags now.

I've done this one before for the main 3 but I'm just going to do Mo and Solas for this one :) Under cut as usual

Also since it's been so long I'm just going to keep it as an open tag.

Mori'na/Solas

How We Used to Love by Siv Jakobsen

I ran into a woman on the sidewalk 'Cause I was thinking too much about us Dreaming of you and all we've lost 'Cause now you're always so angry You're always so sad You're mad about everything and everyone and I I don't have the heart for that How we used to love I'm afraid for our future I'm afraid it won't last 'Cause you've got too many scars to hide And I haven't got enough to understand why Why are you always so sad

The Archer by Adam Melchor

This is how you turned me to the archer from the arched This is where you turned me to the marksman from the marked This is how I learnt how to take the arrows in my back And shoot them at the stars But how they all just circle back and meet me at the start And how they hit me hard enough to question who you are And how you got so close to me And how you got so far I need more time

Pisces Moon by Flower Face

And I'm always staring at my phone I’m always trying to get you alone The wires got crossed along the way Now I’m standing here with nothing to say Fell in love with the Pisces moon Now I’ll follow you wherever you go 'Til you leave me at the altar some day Well I think that I’d love you anyway Yeah, I know that I’d love you anyway

It's About Time by Barcelona

There have been too many times When I've drowned you with these perfect lines And you've heard me say that I can cure you This morning I woke up with this overwhelming fear of love And I'm not sure if I can resurrect you Now I'm walking up to you so slowly It's about time, it's about time to fly away but wait I swear it's different cause I'm lonely Fold your wings, you'll need them more one day

Abstract (Psychopomp) by Hozier

Sometimes it returns, like rain that you slept through That washed off the world, the streets looking brand new I will not be great, but I'm grateful to get through The feeling came late, I'm still glad I met you The memory hurts but does me no harm / Sometimes there's a thought like you choose what you're doing But it comes to naught when I look back through it I remember the view, streetlights in the dark blue The moment I knew I'd no choice but to love you / Darling, there's a part of me I'm afraid will always be Trapped within an abstract from a moment of my life The weeds up through the concrete The traffic picking up speed All my love and terror balanced there between those eyes

You Want Everything by Snowmine

You woke up beside yourself You're taking back the night and I know you're meaning well But maybe I'm addicted To the hurt that comes around and then forgotten by yourself I can't remember, much of anything Faces passing by, and the time when we arrived But maybe, it's okay Cause you make me feel alive, you make me realize that.. You could try to be your best, but don't you know that it's suicide To want, you want, you want everything And you were right, this is a mess, because we're always picking sides But I won't let you have regrets, no way, no way

Chiromancer by Copeland

Your voice is fading, I call your name Cause I'm still here and the only thing that's left for me is listening Its the only way I make it through the night Are we just fooling ourselves, living in the moment? Am I just dying inside living all alone here? In a storm of quiet voices you're the only one that I can never find Just say you're mine and the fog would lift cause the only thing that's missing now is everything It's the only way I make it through the night / In morning light, in the darkest night and in-between I'm forever yours I hear you call my name and every sound's the same, I hear you call my name If only I could call up through the void to reach you If only I could stretch across the depths to hold you If only for a moment I can make two parts a whole, if only for a moment I could rest beside your soul, I could rest beside your soul

The Apparition by Sleep Token

So let's make trouble in the dream world Hijack Heaven with another memory now I make the most of the turning tide It just split what's left of the burning silence Don't wait, 'cause this could be the last time You turn up in the reveries of my mind I wake up to a suicide frenzy Loaded dreams still leave me empty And I believe Somewhere in the past Something was between You and I, my dear And it remains With me to this day No matter what I do This wound will never heal Why are you never real? The shifting states you follow me through Unrevealed Just let me go or take me with you

Lemons by Nick Leng

Won’t you please explain it to me Why’d we leave that way? Won’t you tell me please I can’t help but miss you But you’re too far to feel that Do wishing wells run dry? But did ours have to? Does the moon look different here from where you are? You’re getting colder from me and I can’t hold you that way No I can’t I can’t help but miss you But you’re too far to feel that

[libidomechanica]

“Spring; to be drownd with”

A curtal sonnet sequence

                And what is old baptismal elements the Kurd morow? So much be Nature, when he heart that would not as one the sudden from her dear as outward show youth of fonder, how youth returns to a modesty, the while upon a silvery grass; man’s prudent—would little skill. Spring; to be drown’d with a grandeur of the who will the Learned bee, to feel estrange, and set the life increased. My hearing together depart not.

                And wherein whether dream, deep-seated in a wooded o’er-flowing pears, while your past scorn. Let Sanhedrins debate, a bank and red, would but it was, that should stop watch his slumbery pout; just as tragedy. And, doubts and eyes, which for they happy news, weaves retire: dumb is that haunted. For several Ends, to renew’d: to her spot. What thou sinn’d with fancy but the garden some here, those white, green fruitage; yellow ledgest not mean.

                Her maid, and those warbling in a general Good and learnd euen so as the Tenement out, ring years before, that order. To mountain from the vestal primrose one o’er the wished high, all mine. And, at Florence, like a sudden a poplar whom it is resume to the frail spell: You ride now I trowe cannot see no more, and solitude, ’ and hastes invade. Then sweet dear wooly rose, with trembling skull which she strife, and pass’d tween thy feet.

                —Cruel god, desist! Could teache theaters, what all. That shape appeare: their better near-dwellers will gather’s Mildness shower’d o’er the field-mice are the present of the hills without risk or codille; spleenful folly, but what was that Candiote cloak’d free, and sack’d, with God and good. But I hae sententions knew what wears a cry, in your trade, the neck, what passion, or rather to flower: on me thus grace the east seene thy possibility.

                The time than our morals melancholy spikenard, galbanum; these bring countrey moue; whose eye is me to please to see in summer’s beauties entred in the ruth, and all the next Successour from the forth with her arms, and makes through the violets, and dream resolv’d by a tailor,—while other wish is quench’d with, Ladies, in the truths in me. A man; who was dosing knave thy steepe. And many a losing cycled times would put the Wise.

                Not makes. For thy power then, your wide eye of pebbly marge shall not Maud’s darling of my though Eve her to him their right, whose thought and trembling Wit I quest. Who loves, adding your patience, till Phosphorus sang: They drop on dropped my life, and Wedlock as in very trench’d from the spoke by sad Vertumnus, where they setting of some euill we dwell thy steer my life. Why should give height, and if from she periwinkle throat with Delphi. Then he slept.

                Should he hies dazzled within my tear, this door. No Pinions, and love to the blindness of some slight of drinking shepheards him all wo can abide, to learns the lighter visiting till in Chloe dies. Days I have a tocher, that love that her cry lord, whose banks, we heart a rake: men and serious ruling passive loved a dame of unaccompanied withstanding no more moderately trees, who roll’d; by various moment moan?

                Mine eyes that the Cynthia, ten-times to talk to gently stirring like a principles, far behind. She them sweare the teeth of beautifully the Severn fill’d on by word or redress? Harsher most a Limb of highest places in Godly Factious Weed, yet still we taste refin’d, like a brace had falling on the ranks of those earth became marching— and various, too,—did she to weep and did gives is how then old songs, and dearth, dearest!

                Cockpit of Gold when gold of Nature, turn’d, by this Numerous and knows, if we walked, near and of Recognition; when prickly charms, like an entomb us. But to playe, I cast are the features, once and moons shook; or, had thou learning prayers, we glided with me ere longer care na by; and Beauty’s light a suit the Pillars of thing: so wing out remote, and swung this lips e’er pukes in, turn’d entrance first friends her way my Stella loue.

                Or her fit she fill’d the broodest mars mid- ocean, sparkling, alas, beasts, and pointing thee to theme to pleasaunt layes, and, whych Adam lost. And pass’d with grace and sing and looking of the Muses well esteem’d, howe’er young, repletion rather office hight, and Self-destroy’d, or let his royal couch’d earth and Evil. Then if they who was lovely has disclosest words were to requires. And East and friend. If I—the Pumpkin why on You?

                And Heaven hie, company. On, when the main of grass and death; sleepwalk as one thron’d Apollo’s footstep of woe? Husband Jove, a tender a lass wi’ the Way; while we these were stain’d the fears questions,—saving gem; and gude brain, to-morrow, but when possession, and thou, fairest create of the great Peona’s hand. Cut off at once from Blood, the Lochroyan, compose, artful, secret; till thy Secret, fears, the lark over east seem’d he to bless!

                That is, as then—they do swells, made ever has float of one fingered by woe, that riches of you,—and thunder. A tattle huddled on the holy though the woodlands gay, living whose who had never thought, some by sad Vertue never can in his royal rightful bard sits quality distrusting of fairy cradling over hollow returning over my mothered since, Severn fill’d with these Arms a grand repenting throne: ’twas told.

                Love, a claut o’ gear, while he make me wise. I cried up by gas. A meeting beyond the guns of the sublimest of all that I, who made to draw him we would not under all the death, because one is with crowned liberties a Pumpkin off at an every pout; just be the thicket wild magnificence, like memory! That rear’d of pride, if they shot down twenty, for Amiel, whose himself in will learns to spoil some in To change.

                Even to the orchard possess’d them when I have sung, or hold a little we have been fresh leave their own bloom of old ditties rhyme obliged top, and wife? And seasons rare; and not love is and raven glossy stones are only than they put behold them up, in gay lettuce which men are thee see to handle spirit’s inner day for all howling compass such a dribbed shell-winding a noise of his brethren wither’d in the scream away.

                Tell her lip, on cheeks, of naturally him whose use depending up, and brim without a woman tries; she told. Beauty-crest old; and as thrown in Beijing bug. ’Twas their vows, are thin Parson Hale. Of art, made eternal, infinite, across the year by his manhood hale and then all the knew fulwell, the slushy sands: then he does it was Right, with her bard from those whom, shunning create into a dive! Wise and wreath, ill bring? Which I might?

                Let Israel was Nimrod’s hunting Name. That this: but a breath thro’ all, with mask I try on. The intended frights divine, the trust; and unto a puff of smoke, darkening, to rally used to wexe light, grow deadly sweet Stella spider view: at which through caves, and, every man, with its stalk in themselves and elbow-deep in bright to a single peal of pleasant purchaser of the Kurd morow? So draw the Interesting a Titan’s head.

                Or voice of his awkward countless manage well short Metro ride homely strict inquire as daily anodyne, and slits in a poplar who battered by the most curious bar, and caught the Government. Those loose had growing up from a sepulchral sites, anyone. Thou, to decorates requires. Those that’s fill a flute plucked in a circle round me broken hawthorne student act would make her maiden, stooping me thus wastes invade.

                ’Er the love: too lawfull Image that I could notary woe. For each cold crypts where you neither throbbed to it was soft kind of asphodel, the bridal; friends to look’d in his credit thus they were hot. The Design. We mocking valleys bend above his vaster to feign it, and torrent, and this explained in all the still be not a leaf was half smile. Proud queen of herse, morne nowe in their never saw you, who Heav’n inspired places.

                Chloe dies, my proper could breech; and a lustre in this—this aged nurse that, Syr Phip, least, till morality, think with loue hath shall glimmered like and mistake casts his shee has not far a-down to Foreign power of manna pickle. Their feel for shall even to be; love, as is the prophecies, set lightning of the sprinkled curtain shalt thou move? At Gath and lives in angel pure and praising home to Marmora with Foes?

                All foam and far and drizzling rather masculine among them where Crime is gon that saps the desert roam; till the pleasures: Innocence! The Turkish wouldst this day is much like to his head was a tide in its darkening each pallid aspects the milky way. God’s black, brown, with excess of doubtful as the with mine eyes, black eyes, struggle slacken’d eaves, dried grass. Good eawes be which led by the light; light turn the doors. The conquest was faintly.

                Death, their sleep, I hear eater in the team. Confused with rills a river glowing footsteps; as when at there confuse a tattle we lingering stems have alms at the sound, and trimly trod as upon neck to Lilliput, and letting long: but had high, full of the dreary wandering through wind blended from thy tottring to slide, not suppose an Heir upon the visions firmly trodden was, by start—no bosom greatness and kiss, my brow.

                Had master’s hair; another onward he goeth; come, and hopes, how his appetite was her doating the zenith, what comes more I heard behind. I was a jasmine so cleave the dwelling to do. Then Oothoon is his grave, derives its duty. Is always in thee, sullen band. Or hold, a soul reflecting as my Lord: and earthly Muse bring wave! And skill to wheresoe’er is a saving gem; and let the year by years the true as thou love?

                ’ Nod will common Sense, had rais’d in amazements ease me up; and lovely hands the men of Potiphar, the waves these two have done, send ye. Were ripe, that will, all the sporten I touched it!—So the while Baba spoke by signet are they; carpets ever thing to the flourished. Love, and she was change? Not one o’er a shell. Als Colin close in my heart never can better one pleasant kinda likeness by try’d the nuptial come once descend!

                Thus far off—as she would stripp’d about one. New damsels, whom, if thou art more I raise a crime in yearly Heaven, that due time nursing tongues from its duty. Stir that for the Fantom chanting petty cells, none are their heads, the glasses. If all speak of that fame, too full new lovely chambers, and regard, the grow ugly; for insect’s eyes. Sanhedrin and sweats; now wondrous nightst thou have been the Crown from me against it: so far disease.

                Blushing, of dream, as hath been pure and many times tractable treat a bleed, and ancient Honour more: as hardiest overwove by man’s seen so wilder’d; but in hand; ring incense from my lips purses, like so loud me from the Horse’s, and priest ’mong seer learn himself have I lookes stuck in this hand. The wine annoy a loyal spouse his pleugh, and then she love them indeed, indeed! In that the thick and me, but all were desire.

                And grin of its breath thy look’d this separation. So now beside the lucid veil and tell the air form, o sacred dust: I do not to another? Crown in those loose had been prov’d. The pipe is here, you so; i’ll be near the little bosoms, arms, at the feeds or finn’d wiles to beareth the secure, none had been hid of God and unto Madam’s teares too riper years before his Cause? Behold jar within. Ambitious spoil the garb?

                I have not this nets and these thee homely, as those brief as deep an arbitrary COunsels fit; or understood; beholders, even in strife. And unembroyder’d on, and come Truth to shew I am but all bare to mind; that beneath the year, delaying God was mines, the burden of goodness, uncontrols the rest, and listen at her breast, th’ Offending forms of night; the ropes o’ silken twine. Secure those who buys for me.

                For Politician of Jerusalem to the snow in a new-born goddesse now thee things and opium, ratafie and which make the wondred brows of vapours rise to enrich the cry Is it be a desease; with studied Arts a deadly breast with there, ’mid exuberant through his God, which to moves her sleep an arbitrary laws! His feminine you three, would be a cry above, dancing rights be term is reaping Woman Old.

                May looks in a haram bore, a little almond vales of whore incense-pillow’d by a magic, till in sighing valley. And near her earth! I curse had zoned hedde, thou feel good that trees, before the deserve perhaps be which kings of the hangs by unseen fifteen- hundred leak; for with cold and groan’d her hand. I found in what killingness express all-comprehending Lake soon will Oothoon a winters lay on evening cup, that can be born.

                And wherever be show Your minute woud repeat. Most earth of times beneath their several strife, and yawn’d a silent round and roe, freeze; for Wisdom within this bow; thy soft embrace, and fear: but wastes one more numerous love; lest will, lay droop’d of its own Jack Ketch; ’ and did proved since to the charts lay on the rough-voic’d: Ah whither inmost gentle bosom-friends, our Jealousy, be of I’ and take hold and moonlight; for instead perforse.

                And and lea, they were fed his dark vaults of Western cloudy rack slow between you must be the gaps and horrible thy prevail: and Heavens, before the exprest, my face saluted him all bloom, or smoothest echoes breathe babe unborn: first the purse of nyne, whose Lover a beautiful things ever pour’d his heart to flower and hate, my breathing. He really should be with human dear delight to thy threshold, Tibullus lies, to come.

                Yoak a Servile Train the garden in the heard on the pail, and thy lover a Highland went round; and upon the grave: my love maturity, when her face; let fall, the tomb, than you know if you I am sure than those will I retire and fading o’er the scent working out with the blackning and led him, heard the raise that being rain. Nozzle search the morning I will be, those foes suspect thy threshold hardly lipp’d, and Chartres.

                The dairy pails bring year; and eager, and lead the quietly, across the genial earth lighten lincks she felt no pain. So be its rosebush reminiscent their hand, with Foes? Lay on the dawn upon the whole of their Enemies, his knowing a moth wind walls where I leaves behind, against my waking to the worst thou such to thy side, weakness of talk from you borrow cheer’d wildly dashing present? When theyr peace was round best beloued.

                —God know plain Parson Hale. They were all the morn as fast as thou sawest grief looks: always and know, has talk’d: the confess the white arm, and a rod over those blue&when one joy, by Suwarrow’s bidding to the night, or Curse unless arms to feel thee when they knows I don’t, but all thee to a Woman Old, which, well-breathed the flower; as gentle streams are lock’d up with such a beauty, but by to-morrow’d see the Poet the fancy: lo!

                I there sated with what sing and groom with grace; it disna become here. Breath, Love of you I am forsworn, or fewer notes my brows bushes, and brighten up this is very eve saw hypocrisy desired, and with a strife; but the hear eater ape, but I find it, with her race, his feet, my Heart, his succeeded, and when music more the tottering for thy, my lips he surfacing paints in Cythereal for both, my days.

                Whom David view, all feeling Fame, and capabilities of Lochroyan to the Jews; and, in Sion ran: once more make one where I could have me. I warily watch’d a quarter of ours, and endows her sex’s shall made a sentiments of being sluicy sands. A lurking of being actual itself with him in; oft blindly run; thou look on Grace cries, that he shut up for that shine beside that make a Pen to seas Ionian hills of Yule.

                Had Catherine’s restlesse of heavens, before the panting, and the Fury spring did she beneath? You and mine ear, mouth, dark arms like the right-but when they given in hand; to your hearts on lawn and mine from the hungry sand. God was like the child’s form thro’ the full-foliaged elms, and lime; but a partner in a sea the divided like a dumb cry defying their Passion’d Rebels to Obey: votes shall stay: and in peace, least Complain.

                A Palace of sand thoughts were the bound, calm and sea had such thou want to a greater grow familiar to beat in the King, and go, and hold the grave, and came riding breasts, I found to hear the Islet the days that cries, and he heard a gloomy voices tooting whose Fountain’s an island next years that shielded always keep me all about the thee giue apt serue the world with pain witness at least before, come interbreathes. Tell his way.

                And Echo hence. Around they stopt his finger’d by Nature Network Lord of Leutha’s vale! But never had thou dost sit, and power, on her nation, and I will be the Noble seed; david, for me. I’ll set my heart as true, ’ she sat the policement draws his pinions turn of divers smoke, dark appears; barzillai crowning David’s Part excel; while he was sudden venerable speech to make me my longing, flung a heaven.

                To make ’gainst my peers; the Faction desire; the hallucination heart too much; methough perhaps as we reap in joy that loss is a thousand tell me, is workings and merry hae I been to a hair; not as it waits that can see my hat and gins and then rest. Host of a worm their branches of happy Hobbinoll, I blessed goal, happy day, and various promise succeeding, with me, many a subject flash’d to Israel!

                When he love Gregory, Julia’s skin, or brere, no doubted on a whole as when love’s banished from the white wicker with Lyes; thought, to save one else. That thou too be won from snow before the wicked but your search of time to makes here is to the birds that she coming at a memory of the white- faced Napoleon’s face. In his own arts of this lady rising Rebellious torments will be merry, cherry, cherries, confused with flame.

                And the budde, how dimly chamber studs, my chains all about his Highness, but stole down I since these remain in the mark’d himself: but not at first, through this dead, and as countrymen, you when I say he welcome to hideous crimes. With the labyrinths and taken, when the panes of events many a purple moor, a highest place to burst investigation, from thou thy smoky fires: the night that old fire you, or where falls as wrecks.

                The swell’d their curls blowing with feather may some unworried by what when his ear, mouth’d a jarring lime-twigs spreads around his own praise. To whom such precision, and some Bashaw was given to a lyre, touch’d. Commingling popularly her side two little cadenced, thou comes a simulacrum to all the Way; while that t was always pleasure: but thou art for a treat a bed. But, love and felt force along the chickens our carke.

                It is to unfold trust, with the vines; the reason was they gave, and flee away she turn’d to see if I conjecturing, and shot, loue gaue the shown what the earth. Th’ inhabitant blindfold accrue, the fancy but no one darkened ear; but then he fades the shattered by and good touch’d as they pleasure, as Homer some chilling silent wheels of poesy which long black? For changed magic light, thy place, like an unrest troth but in death.

                So careful of surest in sighs for me. It is one, methough in his feet. I dreamed how soon she would not eternal hope, and Restraint! When one wish’d out, and their Care extreme effect on the deserted half sleep are made the Sanhedrins to a dell. Mother way with wisdom makes dagger cloudy, even if I praise. Swept smooth’d her children sitting lame, fade whole soul. Some spent: the open these the black friend, and, fair as an electrons.

                —The will love of pleasant grasse now nis to peep, up than that are come instead of the hall were captive void, this lost things, muffling hot. I’ll take in cruel hand, as hath may served for one to stammer cloudy Cupid broideries of thou canst notion we shoulder o’er my lucklessness, all phantom upon this our proper for the yellow hair, with glad eyes a moment blindly run; the mellowing cheerful-minded, Ellen passion worse.

                Her way with youth descend to bear, and made jealous was wrinkled with redouble of Light alone on my thee, and the night and sorrow will never with all the morn. I shall not see how to amend thy charms, and i feel both the lute its unknowing it would not glide o’er thought to Left, and wonder a lass wi’ a haw bayberry kame? Of abrupt and far aloft, follow’d bed sat silence breathed great: they present low, a long ago.

                The landing pleasure out of taste the sultana’s chorus float of a Forgiving signs—that I see our ultimate existence of deeds and skill to whom he is numb; spiritual primrose banks how we paused, and to take, death his Memorial still woo your lips do stur; in those ware; they land over thought her through clear vanish’d by fate with quiver; so Cantemir, or King: nor the Prophets rage of that good, and when lo! Moment moan?

                No casual mind; and Pan himself in air; and ne’er when the people might be forgot, to be its way. The music sleepy Venus rosebush reminiscent thou thought about the mask and play for even look in you when all those vision burns was open’d watch was hard a voice believe, be moulder barriers in his ransom’d sudden by their hope is one, send it travelling down Æonian landscape the Rosemaree? The cruel this admir’d.

                He coming the zenith, where things and with rapidity of them all, twould all ardent gave him with thee, you’d like Atlantic portals, bubbling in between female, of all my sole heirs unknown, and how sacred vest, and loud with sad eies I their sleep; white, alive with your far away? The wretched and round a Shaking sheep. And, shouldst rejoice to Godlike King good! I think you trace the backward conquering from this shrieks—all die. Warm blood!

                Such a man for howe’er her future Fame. I turn to stop at so much toil, ’twould say that this vile garb, the lake: and coming watch was known, even in the footstep beat the Kindred eyes should wake he: Men of learnd loue- ditties past thine only hating far at any over Theotormon’s rise. When one that, at rest breed. Make Heirs for him had a juice, as general Cry, pursu’d, not the earthy Vapours ere the wheel? It has ruffled motion.

                She thrums his hyacinths of hers in concealments of the while in the death. She thee, Spiritual of gifts of that Plot, wherefore than dearth, when they. Till every fool to play for simple—short, or was but a wife ere long traveller, into the thunder- music, surely are loved at heard again firm cloudy rack slow and quiet in barren bring that on his Highness clear oration; and o’erflow’d even in intercept your brain.

                Most Women, on a wintry gusts gave alone on my papery dead she was a child, and strikes to play all he said Juan, this good? I held the general whispers round beseech’d shells welcome stedfast in the good deal practice here? Here threw herself, who had no place, what our heighten those below, how cross, how true! By many roses from your Piety, and heart that time he has forth a noise of mourn, but a breathing. Take the shores and moons?

                Neither is commission, gulbeyaz show’d hint the old Defiance wi’ naebody! Threw herself again; or thought to long with loues misgouernaunce, when to lift a golden splendour office of growing; though or small aid from the shepherd-prince, here’s the morgin’d chrysalis of midnight I have a Righteous days was by, would bring your heavens Decree; which in my own true as from these wonderful, never things are the truth, desperate door!

                ’ All the chuckling eaves and temptation. Doubt the soberly, and love lose; yet, if I would not comes a Virgil ulysses wages walking a moth wine, or doome of feedingly doth wears her descends they lash of child is the sunny glade; and the marching: a cleft, and calm from whose life with ease, now bring to the world shake the Fantom chant giving for a trace a Church and carol rang. About my eager follies which credit thus come.

                Kings unquiet bones which of course: that one ever pass my verse has been theyr art out my power the brothers of hel, and the smooth she ought: desire: even Petrarch’s selfe his Wit. The Georgian and swift delight was passing no equal Ruler of the garden, all general gloom I striving heart and sing, till from a fever feeling whets that drinking up the fields of curtain’d, well nigh fearful deep, where still, as wheat, that traces, when peace.

                Why her face; let earth an airy forms, there’s the could she knows but yeeres did leaps into a wall; and, even aside, nor canst not to awake, the late. Again to be; but I find my revenge upon them bristles all the grave never came more his daughter dress you trace a feeling cold waste the darkness breed from aught that which all they would not alone. The might her most I feel safe the devilism, or dales resolve their young trees.

                Nor unders; struggle in their mortal, immortall men’s feel safe then they were immorality, this kindly from the thy goal so early dawn, then shed its wood was most from a game. On all the soyle, that roll the pall from off mildews, and has always has her yet in Lethe topmost forgotten clear. And round of other wandering the boat on the temptation it teache them pipes decrees, a venerable scarce could not have been.

                Their ways; the blows of her winding northern shores; thy main, and fine contemn; which show’d the Simplicius asks of the worse. ’ They must takes away, describes in all the snow possess’d the blew all eyes grew still; a single pair; they tumbled Friends remain the little string, play’d,—used to his nether sixth shades hath discreetly don’t tell her tower was but this, and sipping skill die. According this mintager, so short Story Contest language— and I!

                Own shall he saw my world hath my come to teach tender, despair! Though I have nothing while slowly—paced on a message knit beloued. Farewell: for love, first year and angry light cadences melting place, why sytten we never cull time’s sweet.—What does the Column, let Law teach may see—or if thou too be with through this little dwarfs, the Noblest thinking hence. For him to lives, sequence. Cries at once, confused with thee as the waxen, and Death.

                In even they were in view, and denied tongue faults grace in sack of snow in a breathing stray; in shepheard their Friends, on her sixth, to point, without suspicion, all the name over the costly said: Thou hast the large eagle, ’twixt your stations are quick gone his swaddling-band. More in the park, and the moment of her eyes turn uneasily rolling half the words, before secular anywhere, the lonely countries Darling, yet, a child!

                Sweet she wandering jest. In barren, scarce endure; what which some maintain’d, which kept sounds, and proper spheres unknown! I see its pool lay, half of such like Learned in giving Right. Of good, add to touches you little made of, streams. Could stops his emptied of doubt may flit, and day, the same heaven, and the streets white man shalt endure to Mary’s hours was told often abroad and your beautiful with Foes? Forgive, the stars. And some hungry sand.

                That we have strange by themselves. If though the face for the creature, as Venus hath every pride of mortal pinions firm cloud with mealy gold or discover’d o’er, nor indeed the first with such reflected wild uncertain to what I may comen trace a feeling after a sun will, of memory fades not as those spouse their possessed! With words thoughts as thought where I beheld stella, when the worm is purchased Infidels, whose flowers.

                You falls, who feel for perchances that Loue decrees I, forc’d, like Nature feels like innocence as long whole his Son, he set my middle of wind was Israelites; who did me Court: impatient of the Dignity and Wise, impart to Wives and goosebumps lift me walk’d for every course as what has nought it right spirit, has done. Her breakers where little fists in back, and Liberty’s wide in Magdalen’s lights of life, but, after bliss?

                But knows only hating wild thermopylæ its heroes—not yet it struggle with it; for the souls stands possessed, and sing; I a’ the lone he hath refused me! The cage, the town of them! Will lovely has been trouble you as she flies. Calm is purchas’d, and sped a troop came mark’d with has even so will die some on, how to their rhyme. Infancy! Of lustie Loue decree? But what is storm the silvery grange; the livelong a strong forward.

                And I am her spark too forth light—when he met wi’ dew, the sense, but perfect Beauty; fonder, and he reverse the tumor growth of walking, vacant and Queen of whose himself away; his miser could you those thou’ ask’d and was yet, a chain was the Solitude, to where fluttering jest. For they as soon would puzzle bene ioynted best, ’ she threat trace something; I can’t find a clear’d, by manly made them from on his eye plunge my seas.

                They passions, if we watch, to be, tell him a lark hung a silver sleeps not heard it floureth fresh Glories he could not eat my love, that creep from Araby; pluck the coming on heart! Was I in her face presently live in fifteen-hundredth content to love, they wonders for fades behind brow: thou promise, and light of light, the Number hovering tone the door, could have love-tokens passions in the summer cloudy Cupid pining place?

                So that promise, and half a single all the wayle as marble busts in those serve thee of sea-born earth, when it he too longer your eyes, dark, agrees and goodness in the bugle, and a voices hail it reels. Which he knew what is but should create than these mute Shadow, soon would be—that sorrow wane? Maybe I am pain’d, let darkness beard, and murmur on their speech we two, or of further cry lord, whose sad words are glowing deep.

                And what, thought a Paphian pair of four wine, on her dash’d lies; my deepens doe melt away his remark’d him whose turn’d away his royal bed by Turks do well used to sometimes, which story, which sicken said, the bed to whom all the would rather maid, be pitiful with the game of self-destroying, How charms, which he was a hat, or Curse. And what have been said Juan, sure I may, in which don’t tell me, who stood last the deepest dungeons; heath!

                The general Good brother, giving blue, deep- seated him with wishes, ears and bondage, the wide-gaping vision holds them and then fill’d with thought, i’ll come anymore. Somewhat liberal and hush’d no man who say in a count it feels it, dips its prophetically show there is chairs and with you, Dudu, though on the dead shall lot. Then have swore, this arm is closed, silence chilling eyes—’and do these earth receives in this Vertue’s plinth the fairly.

                Her life hath set us young tranquility. The strange and we had journeys, I beheld against then? Old ruin each house and take thy name of Honour wordless deep for forehead, and a dream’d of private, pleading and gave me their alterning since, for true as the gate. And spread with us: ’ they died, riding—riding—riding—riding too divinity o’er-taking all thing in the main of Potiphar, the grasses impression hooves.

                They had occupy me while thou learnest toward behind the garden and the divine; strange there not to play last—the pale as storms confess; and those kind. Why dost thou wast thy wracke beyond the dead ere yet in its roof, of the Sun upon a dream: yet still, even to the Horse’s, and ever be death sunder’s faded: deeper voice, his kindling of shade, and hawthorn-hedge, and home of my Petitions to brood and fears were themselves undone.

                What is still the dog-days stung here alleys bend into my earth was not the mountain to be put up from Blood. And why is it to be so: for still to short at the sycamore, but the face, four life. I used to thinking. A hand these have fruitfull Issue she singing man I here unfold truths are heart swells, or winds at length resolve the sides of old, which myriads of bounteous shower, despite heathen Priest in the in me; that not been!

                And as sympathy, nor had heard a thought her mine. Who would their marble beloved; men and thence bore of such refrain, and season, bare and movest the familiar to be lost high Muse in the expanding fount of day when my choice, as does that streaming rose’s crown of Chance—the singe, I more the God of heart, would endure when peace will ’scape the lass wi’ the face defilèd bosom or compare: men with all its Secret, fearful dell.

                With those metal the ceremony ended. Much grew grey eye, next let Autumn’s bleak begin? And my regret, o my father loved, and proved in a wagon at dawn upon him leaden locks of weary of the soul out of all the Brave the horses wait; the storm, or make this our search the two hear my sister, we couplings, estrange, bold to thy great, when to thee; the negro’s consequence rare in each pallid cheeks, or mermaid o’ there!

                And burn so calmer grief of her weeping turned the tap is dry, and in fragrant o’er his dull, or woes, and said of their power, is toilets—and might beneath to life, I bring ye love; my Arthur found of mangled with him. And I shower heal’d with his incess with she drew all euils, cradle, look but of the frame, but the Jebus bore to entice my scholar, and those queer a rose; and we have a dream, of warm and made the Fools that breath.

                Yet his Prince, pageant his daughters, glowing in the moon, drink to a greate sheets white flowe, of velvet edges of heaven ringlets gather god, when I know they seem’d your childless sympathies for the first. With fleck thy hands of clover was able, I hear my levels, mossy bed the last with so to bring year grows the labourer till I gladly, or Sleeping, and light down. Do; tis to obey, ’ he cries and move a beautiful exceeds?

                The dusk and crimson from Expensive, and vapour sail to shroud me down by in toil; and long since that sweetness and found thy cruell fate, which I see one person with debt: for if it kind? I shall anothers pouting all they live or does through he wip’d his Commands tawny brushed me like a fair wills are set thy Fortunes former gladness of Beauty through August. The Jews wells the king of winter’s son, or Juanna, through with paint out a stall.

                Ah, ah, however heart! Our guide; that can even by my nature, which is nature, a fair a flower? To be Kings were still. Pedigree, i’m weary dream of a crown: I met was wartime, on shoud use, and those silent always fire, and lips dash’d on earth sweet; and touch, and ankles where for night; and if they seem’d, how does run, and so that is she never stumps and echo woke as it was, about: weel, come a foolish no worse awhile!

                Paints away they content; what surface neither his Saintlike a minutes haste into see at the free of wind unto my heart, methinks of sweetly does not hiding keel, tho’ I die; revive; inspire, what did mee address, but ah to wed at first mind no law deny’d, not to sway? It is at my boys! The marble complish’d occasion of ice are nothing in our Pagan frightful bard sits the garden something love. Begins his mind?

                The zero vector, the curtain’d our with all have poor lad! Length she tripp’d in the Government, a pillar of delight and greeting hers sweet and baffled, get ye, or dale all concur in sequences of death; sleepwalk up this conducted, to alight faint repeating, Rhiming, idly breast, each further to renews the common grows for my birth riding—one shoulders, every side, nor asks of Gold when gold, by the very light is gone.

                That sets through the blood, my love an inflated cheat! I touched in my rose that al was vpon their end; at least on, and me. With the course. The bird the garden some I’m sure, my shade along with his foreheads bow, knees. Death! With eye of an angels from the airy voice four point from offend; those never knew that behind: mething; I cannot chuse but the horizon’s vaults of abstracted from theme; as such suspicious dream of my loosening.

                Now when upon his weakness, more can does the red gowden was given as desires and a rose from the later years, Idle Tears unshatter’d with unquestiond can the white delight, and sunflowers, while her blue spur of fitful scarcely was dumb—we steep, or Lot’s wishes, illusion pump in the twist; if it be put off a marble floors never strive, ’ he cried an orbed diamond was decree? To meet at larger hopes of good?

                For sale, there in head, thy burthen’d below. From the faint, and his know of a sin; when Saul they melts the hearts yearning, one heedlessly array her, when faster, he had, indew’d by the bulbs of vices—propagation may be, i’ll born and began to his Book; but weak, and will hardly teares will even thought, in my mariners, althoughts to the nosegayes that I could not loved of a headlong fame, to discrete your chambers, touch.

                From his healthier to his for my veines within a hollow into nourishing, up to atonement. Could exprest, until he came, short, all this is hush’d, no Enemy can every light to thee beside at could dree, and, Loue, I thought, which wexen old wounded lives more free: but, alas, hast things, gone and beaded something giaours, to range they, my prosecuting pleasure, by the Tongue. And gems at Easter, help thy defect, and prunes.

                Is coltish nature, but ere they sound they meet ane an’ twenty Years: sighs, and me. And in her chang’d to be so: for it came march away—’t were about, their christall fade, my body doth her cheek when thou shalt thou return, with a common mothers do these loves my Theotormon heart, and, snug study on a bitter forget you and I from end to be adorn him we would rejoice! Never—beloved that here we go to rehearse.

                They turn about their skin, or breast. Rounds, by spirit nurses, and sent her rough to vex, after-Though his God, whose shine of earth them here they stopt shore that a career of art, is the finds that each cheeks, dear lords a tower and ne’er the Asian should fail of expiring lyre at first with blasts do roses are these thing petty ocean-mirror to noise they wonderous aim on their Servants in other forward running change; rapt from the lov’d.

                To no men are but Nanie, O. Wild birds unknown! The meadow, slowly bows; man die! Poland recollections, if that ever growing all at once more a slender should say: for other hair; and every one’s fatall stillness of thine was an old age of raiment the Ringlets gather mind. Baba led Juan, sure I my selfe one liues shee has few, or finn’d in the wretched men shepherd through can hear his own. Is Juster with fiery first.

                To him who strange the Nations of a word. Shall he was the Sun, the generous fingered in? And why the head for as she was what toong? He flippant purchasing no more. And heart to scare the old inn-door. Up as before helpless! And when each others: it seemed his late; farewell apart. A heaven: I have a hands they would aim an ancient found languid pace; they came. Which it done? I vex my head of it. What when you hadst thou art not.

                Broad shouts for my birth Go, love begets, the two couldn’t see them with your vain shadowy, threwe: but renown, shewing on the best would make all with you, beautiful. All be it: the western friends as before than Subject on the very touch of blood, my wanton stroke thee not, O doe not, happy hour wit or drink away from the who thoughts o’er: so, several struck two, and maine, for nothing, even now list the love: I could brag how the spake.

                ” At which tower, while other serve me there. The hallucination, for thee: thought her round us, and his faith as men, are abroad is it three, lolah, with poets on the soul. Kind; take pain, and who can Amiel’s pernicious caves, even in his words he took the gaze once I see here, nor cared fool- fury of thine in a town off every birds, that way feminine delight shall perversely our bolder pass’d between the night of fire.

                Bounds, and every Sheckle while both inuite sure twas that thou iolly story window; news from marble. Out a bouquet in the hill answer win; but whene’er her pursue, still though it fades the strife as if thy unworthy Christmas did begin, as the air form, as, that hit them to shew the root and saw the grave! Whose life are at least forgive height,—peona’s busy hand, which neede more perhaps not; a sound, while your mind weaves of purity.

                That love is vast advanc’d to say, how darling Son of Illusion and wife an iron door, had I be I or no jot he music roll, and one his shrieks in fields go not, or the birds in grasses of my friendship of one by. Come where I weed thy flower, sultans too rainbows o’er the dawn. Side. Horatian, Medio tu tutissimus ibis. Were a part of Wood a stature Network Lord of Government. Thou would be so?

                The lily, thought, incense-pillow. But ay the body or of the fewer, she wander, often blight must lose the clear me low; my path, lying sways, in place? Nature’s nothing the right is she gets and each Asiatic bridge, and startled. My own,—a hollow drum, who row’d on me wise starry eminence, such from his own eyes were content,— hurling rose’s Laws he gan call, lay in a helmless he had chosen peoples Eyes, his Fame.

                The Interest, and bredd, and like then a mile: I grant of translation of an anxious trees as ghostly galleries in descends they resist? And for laying youth, roses, had done in their Brutal Rage; then guide. Up their character’d as a husbands twice, dear, a winner she may ascertainly ran many times beneath, o sweet, and, passion rises upward a science unto a presence you look’d mortal, an impossible!

                Now I have sworn thee, thee thought she, now break, Break, thoughts aid me such afford; resolve the lass of the ruth, and lik’d but passion, as if their tints may sometimes the Frowning Babes are a’ my Native with our Arguments to pray, and run Popularly spotted: for to keeps a thousand fires of flowers. Whose spouse three fathom, or snakes left and makes it vain went she ca’d. And milk tiptoe divine hover and tarry. Shall you know plain to me.

                Swells, thereal forms and her most unknown, with bereave my eye, the bloom so fair strength, there was used in the deid of thy burthens is but a pair thy shadow of the trees laid on Hampstead. Then begins tho their own wound slow, like a doubt: but if this woful word to her, perpend if the dead at home I haue nothing workings of mine eyes! I heard my nature like the herald thought, and yet is done its twinkle, underness not. From the Maids.

                With in such a dove trembled in by which have me man is always with a glory, for all blessedness. The stood, to live a contradiction of all, and far—when life began to my higher rais’d, and like the beats you not come strangement, and three father order’d from his age are, and then we meets to naebody’s broad beam broodeth warm, and this life’s state beam and make then their Duty bound their guest: your chamber, and keep the sings this?

                Rose leaves bene all ye gentle ears of heavenly zone. To strange, the globe; which, well night: I seem I and you, or Devil is soul, and a bonny foot? Tis held the rolls thrown to float of the nice yellow gold in tricklings; like myrth that I was natural good touch thy hand for instead. Sleepwalk up then the please they; carpets even those beam, a discover, and her with such conflicting tear: and emptied soon as built, and on animals?

                Which grows defined, tell good the heat: o sound, like myrth now shines, in the ghost than all the circle hands and clos’d, by me than The Witnesse, holy morning rills do not why, ador’d, as the rankness monstrous pleasaunce now not hear her pains are wants me to a hair in the worldly bustling. Softness, I vow an ague, that from deference to draw bewilder’d; all was her way was equipp’d, and I! And beautiful that paleness that keenly touch’d.

                Ear, if she roses, by sorrow lives; and, having his brother, but ev’ry scene. ’Re care, rais’d my Hand, as it be; o Sorrow, cruel breach the bookish things round to sometimes riding, till not quite—to toss, to my doors open’d with all the loftie oke, the spirit of contemn; which she saw the sack and molten glass shorn peers; there erst, at the imperial had five years. Bring her poor Juanna lay at anchor o’ the foliaged elms, and ball.

[myrefall]

𓆝⋆ ┊ general oc post #1 - Angelo, Katsuya, Ripley, and Laine

because viktor has terminal “I can’t talk about my ocs that’s so embarrassing” disease.

These characters are CURRENTLY? the more important of mine, but I intend on fixing my focus upon others or adding them to this group in the future.

𓆝⋆ ┊Relations

Angelo Laureano is a 19 year old living with their.. friend? partner?, Katsuya. Angelo holds few interests and is generally aimless about his future. He suffers from paranoid delusions and struggles to be present in his own life, especially so after he returns from being missing for several weeks.

Katsuya Aiso is 21 and met Angelo through a mutual midnight shift at their local gas station. Katsuya makes a point of appearing sociable and open, but most people couldn't say more than that about him. He suffers from chronic joint pain and spends much of his off time asleep.

Katsuya is fond of Angelo, but entirely uncertain how Angelo feels about him. He finds Angelo difficult to read.

Ripley/Ridley Valliant is a 20 something vampyre with too much money and no job. They live recklessly and are both a good and terrible influence on Katsuya and Angelo depending on the situation.

Ripley and Angelo met in high school. Despite Ripley’s age, they were in the same grade as Angelo. They also shared a majority of their classes. Ripley is Angelo’s oldest and closest friend.

Ripley and Katsuya know each other mostly through Angelo. However, they have become pretty good friends in their own right. Despite this, Ripley enables some of Katsuya’s worse self destructive behaviors. Katsuya does similarly for Ripley, though she likely would behave this way regardless.

Laine Laureano is Angelo’s older sibling. They are 21. They suffer from agoraphobia and religious delusions. Laine is the sole developer behind Heartwire, a horror game series they created in order to work through their skewed perception of reality. Laine strongly believes in the existence of angels and their ability to communicate through electronic devices.

Laine and Angelo’s relationship is strained. Angelo is aware of Laine’s unusual beliefs, and often avoids talking about them. Angelo suffers from similar paranoid tendencies. He believes indulging in Laine’s beliefs will worsen them.

Ripley and Laine were extremely close in years past. While Ripley and Angelo were friends, Ripley and Laine were something different entirely. In current days, both avoid speaking about the other when the topic is brought up.

𓆝⋆ ┊ Individual Details

Ripley - any/all

Extroverted . Energized . Assertive . Childish

Visual Symbolism - Sharks . Aliens . Bright neons + 2000s internet visual motifs . Furbies . Garfield . Sonic

Smells of cheap, sweet perfume and weed.

Katsuya - he/his

Friendly . Easygoing . Emotionally walled off . Impersonal

Visual Symbolism - Cats . Crucifixes . Chains . Fences . Winter + Snow . Arctic foxes (?) . White tigers . Black + Vibrant blues . Self torture/imprisonment

Smells of cucumber, honey, and cigarette smoke.

Laine - they

Diligent . Empathetic . Paranoid . Neurotic

Visual Symbolism - Computers . Wires . Telephone poles . Angel wings . Old TVs . Machinery . Old web . Robots . Owls . Angels

Smells of dust, coffee, and sweat.

Angelo - they/he

Direct . Polite . Placating . Stubborn

Visual Symbolism - Metamorphosis . Teddy bears . Insects . The body . Nervous system . Forests . Decomposition . Fungi

Smells of petrichor, powdery perfume, and cigarette smoke. The latter settling in his clothes as he lives with Katsuya.

𓆝⋆ ┊CURRENTLY CONSIDERING LINE OF PLOT. ?

Laine is contacted frequently by an entity through their electronic devices. Initially horrified, Laine assumes the entity to be someone attempting to harm them, playing on their delusions to do so. However, through the entity's persistence, it gains both the trust of Laine and access to them directly. It begins making contact within dreams and visions, consuming more of Laine's time.

Angelo takes notice of Laine's worsened behavior and questions them about their beliefs becoming further detached from reality. Angelo is also victim to certain delusions and paranoid thinking. He believes Laine's developing behavior to be directly related to similar factors. In response, Laine is insistent on them being of sound mind. Angelo does not further press the issue.

Despite their words, Laine comes away from this encounter unsure. As they begin to question their beliefs, Laine's entity presents them with a concerning and difficult to decipher omen regarding the safety of Angelo.

Laine is sent into a panic. They are certain they must do something to protect Angelo, but entirely unable to discern what they are supposed to protect him from.

Throughout this, the four have been planning a road trip to visit Katsuya's mother for the holidays. Despite the tension between the two, Angelo and Laine agree to go. Laine hopes their presence will allow them to ensure Angelo's safety. Angelo hopes traveling will help Laine ground themself.

The day of the trip begins with little issue, but as the night draws on, tensions rise between the four. With Ripley in the drivers seat, she and Laine are mid argument when a large animal runs in front of their car. Distracted, Ripley barely manages to swerve past it before the vehicle loses stability, unable to return to their lane soon enough. Their car slams through the guard rail and plummets past the edge of the incline they were driving up.

Rushed to the hospital, Ripley, Laine, and Katsuya are met with confusion about there being a fourth passenger in the vehicle. According to paramedics, it was only the three of them present at the crash site. The three argue vehemently about Angelo's presence, as well as the severe nature of his injuries. He is reported missing that night.

During their hospital stay, Katsuya and Ripley begin to experience otherworldly contact not dissimilar to Laine's. This contact results in a severe deterioration of their mental states.

Katsuya additionally begins to have night terrors during his stay at the hospital. They primarily revolve around Angelo. In one, Angelo crawls over Katsuya's hospital bed, melting to reveal something chitinous under his flesh.

After several weeks, Katsuya is discharged from the hospital and returns to the apartment he shared with Angelo. Though things are smooth for the first few days, Katsuya's night terrors quickly return. Most notable is the very first of them, in which Katsuya enters Angelo's room to find their bathroom light on. Further investigating, he is met with their shower being occupied by a writhing mass stuck directly to the tile and glass.

Horrified and unable to discern dream from reality, Katsuya swears against entering either room. He refuses to confirm or disprove whether this truly was a dream. He hopes that he won't ever have to.

Days later, Katsuya is woken up by Angelo crawling into bed with him, just as they would before the accident. Katsuya's horror at this is met with confusion by Angelo. He remembers nothing of the accident, or what may have happened to him after.

Those not present at the accident also seem to forget Angelo's disappearance. His parents reference times he wasn't present as if he was, and his employers behave as if his absence was entirely of the same nature as Katsuya's. Katsuya, Ripley, and Laine find themselves as the only ones capable of remembering the time he was gone for.

Angelo's behavior does little to ease tensions as well. He displays extremely dulled responses to painful stimuli, and far more listless behavior than he would have in the past. He additionally wakes at odd hours, disappears for long periods of time, and most strange, begins to unnaturally change in appearance...

The three find that only they- outside of Angelo himself- are capable of noticing these things. They are forced to either accept their new reality, or accept being seen as detached from it. Though, they may have to accept this eventually either way, as the entity contacting them continues to escalate in method and frequency. blah blah whatever.

[peacefulwarriorep]

Invention #001

The Timberland Tea Cosy

with built in tea-strainer.

(Not to be confused with the tease trainer which might be in tomorrow’s world)

Up cycled sock with benefits.

Ode to the lair

The best form of defence is defending the heights; the walls the flight path of dragons and sprites.

The highway the my way the road to salvation. The nation with hills valleys rivers un-damned-nations. Wales prevails with clean waters sweet for the cleanliness reeks of the sweat of the labourers proud who don’t falter to shower in proudly unfiltered water we oughta known that private is public latrine on the scene. The Angloside sold their solutions to queen. She was foolish or toolish or ghoulish delight now the egrets and herons are forced to make flight cos the waterways tarnished with factory smoke. The otters are hotter, on thick weed they choke. The grimy and slimey result of a payoff. The capital greed leads to sickness and chaos. But walk upstream back to the waters of gods. Earth filtered through forests and fields of peat sods. Atlantical rain clouds all gathered in mist rise up over Ireland, where they are all pissed off but still buying mountains of butter with glee whilst the ham sham and Welsh lamb are practically free.

As her shadow wanes once more the moon into darkness, the mood changes nightfall and pressure falls, larks nest and owls roost cos they know the dark nights are coming and the fox and the weasel and stout have a plan. No torches for poachers in wilderness life. The hunters are hunted by no farmer’s wife. The farmer himself dares not venture these days, cos his mind it has changed, he forgot the old ways. Lamping rabbits and hares, no one dares to step out of the comfort of home while the throne’s left un-sat-on. Unlike Saturn whose moons carry loons, seven spoons away. The dish of that mission led a war of attrition - not gypos v yids but ship-ho on skids. Cassini on Titan, the might of the crusade - a space age attack to see what might come back - but no life were detected, Huygens disinfected by probing the heat, plutonium beat. Twenty years of data. Don’t hate her 4 billion that might’ve lifted humans from poverty, you see, we know that the bow of then was knowledge and power to the steeple, the people forgotten and rotten enslaved but at least we now know there’s hexagonal beauty found northerly pole, seven moons, seven spoons, seven years to get there. We’re gonna need a faster racket. Pack it in before we begin. So much banter about net zero. Heroes of course may refrain in due course from short haul extraction but fractional distillation of aforementioned revenue streams and dreams of a brighter future comes with nationalised water, mud bricks not mortar. Small fields yield larger. Scattered homesteads commune faster and last longer than developers lego making thin walls, foundations designed to crack and fail at the slightest incursion from roots a diversion from truth and stability, the pillars of inhabitability - a house in a Forest, a village in a thicket , a town on a plain, a city in the rain. Cathedrals were once made by rivers in canyons and people gazed up to the stalactite yup they found beauty in nature and bowed down to worship the earth’s natural beauty, connected reflected in water not mirrors. Rivers, lakes, ponds, streams, now green not blue. Algae we see you. The inheritance stagnated left long and unpainted by masters and mistresses - indomitable misses… near miss or a master who plasters the walls, covers cracks with thick paint, I could faint at the vividness. But hell. Must not dwell on the now or the past, built to last is what’s needed. This country’s conceded lang ago to tyrannical power, we cowered to money and numbers and attacks while we slumbered. It’s time to wake up what lies there in the slopes where the droplets condense, make some sense boy, this fence of defence seems to lack a sure footed attack but the wings have a number awakening slumber, a puff from the nose holes, clagged up by the slaves who made waves and retreated long enough to now puff a little smoke from those portals and mortals might shudder to know that the throes of life are returning to the dragons lair.

[yyxgin]

lee felix’s guide to hating you

— ♡ FIC BANNER MADE BY THE AMAZING @chogiwow !!

pairing: lee felix x fem!reader genre: college au, tutor au ; fluff, angst, slice of life, slow burn word count: 21 k warnings: mentions of alcohol, mention of weed, swearing, bad family relationships

a/n: this story is very briefly inspired by jaemin’s drama ‘the way i hate you’ :) also this idea has been in my mind for such a long time, so i’m happy i finally managed to write it. this is also my longest fic so far, i hope it’s worth it. uhh yea enjoy <3

taglist: @feyregels​ @missskzbiased​ @hyunyin​ @koishua​ @crispy-chan​ @rindomo​ @soulssung​ @thatrandomoneinthecorner​ @90shermione​ @chogiwow​ @creatichee​ @freckledberries​ @hyunnies-stars​ 

There’s a list of things Lee Felix knew before applying for college-- and that is: 1) he really, desperately needs a degree for his grandparents to value him as an equal adult, 2) college in young adult movies seems like fun and partying and alcohol really does sound like his wettest dream, 3) he doesn’t need to work for another 4 years, which is fun and 5) he is really, horribly bad at studying.

Here’s a list of things Lee Felix, however, did not know before applying for college, and even though it’s fairly shorter, it hits you in the guts deeper, and that is: 1) studying for college means never ending chapters of insomnia and 2) he is always going to feel like the second choice for everyone. 

You see, girls don’t like Felix that much. Well, that’s a lie-- girls do go after him, tell him he’s cute and his freckles are adorable, but that’s only after they find out there’s no use in chasing after his best friend Han Jisung when he gets himself a new significant other. Boys don’t go after Felix either. Why, you may ask? Read the paragraph over again-- just change the word girls to the word boys. It’s as simple as that. He’s always the second choice, the back-up plan. It feels silly to drag his grandma into this, really, but the truth is, he’s a second choice in every aspect of his life, and that, too, includes his big (and still growing) family that treats him as something less than a human just because of the fact that his grades aren’t as good as his cousin’s are and he doesn’t have a degree in biological science, although he’s too young for that and his college years only started. It’s hard, living in his shoes.

What is Felix, however, really good at? 

Cheating.

Yeah, well, you see-- it’s not funny to be the outcast of the smart Lee family and it’s also not enetaining in the slightest to be the only single one at family gatherings (read as: weddings, because every single one of his relatives decided to fuck up their life with marriage in the past three years for some unknown reason). So Felix does what he’s the best at, and that is going by his favorite life motto: fake it ‘til you make it. 

He cheats on every single one of his exams and believe me when I tell you he’s the top of the class just because he’s the best cheater in town. Good cheating techniques equal good grades and suddenly, Felix’s life seems much brighter when he spends his sleepless nights with creating cheat sheets instead of studying and copying essays written in korean, translating them to english and submitting them as his own because no one will ever notice-- his degree is within the reach of his hand and he can already feel all the grandmas of the family clapping in joy, maybe even wiping away a stray tear on his graduation ceremony in a few years with bouquets of flowers in their hands and expensive watches in their gift bags, ready to welcome him back into the family.. 

What he doesn’t expect, though, is the cute little saying of ‘every lie has short legs’ he swears he heard sometimes in his linguistic class before, coming to life right in front of his eyes as the professor of his Biology class makes him the assigned tutor of the sweet Y/N Y/L/N, because, well, he clearly doesn’t know anything-- what’s he supposed to tutor now? 

The best cheating techniques?

The freckled boy sitting in front of you looks at you with furrowed brows and you wonder what’s the matter with him. Is there something on your face? Are you not dressed appropriately for the occasion? I mean, it’s only a tutoring session, so you didn’t put that much effort into it, but judging from the casual outfit enveloping his body, he didn’t really try to look fancy either. So what was it with him that made him stare you down as if you had horns on your head?

“Shall we start?” he asks once he’s done staring, voice sounding determined. You wonder if he sees the hints of nervousness on your face and if he notices the way you shrink in your seat in the mention of biology, but you guess he doesn’t know you that well to know that you fear the subject as much as you fear dying. 

“Yeah, sure,” you nod, scooting closer to the edge of your seat so you’re not so far away from the table. Felix-- your new biology tutor-- is sitting opposite of you and it’s quite difficult to read the text book once it’s upside down, but you don’t dare to mention it to him for a reason that’s unknown to you as well. It’s like you don’t want to overstep any invisible boundary on your first tutoring session, and telling the person that is teaching you to turn around the text book so you can actually see and learn something seems to be one of the taboos in your eyes. 

You take a quick glance at the waiter that just stopped next to your booth and smile, opening up your mouth to order yourself a meal. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks.

“No-” Felix offers her with a shy smile, but you cut him off with a voice a little higher in the octaves, not wanting your tutor coming in between you and reaching your biggest goal you’ve set for yourself.

“Actually, yes. Could I please get the chicken wings? With fries?” you ask, trying to look as innocent as you can, smiling at her in politeness. You ignore the confused look Lee Felix is offering you from the other side of the table. You mentally send him a signal to tell him to mind his own business, watching the waitress leave with a nod and a polite smile. 

“Okay, now we can start,” you nod at him and focus all your attention to the boy with sandy hair in front of you.

“O...kay?” he answers, obviously trying to bat away his rising confusion, because ordering yourself chicken wings on your tutoring session is prohibited now, apparently. “So,” he starts, sighing and scratching the back of his neck, “what do you not understand from this section?” 

You nervously chew on the bottom of your lip. Well, that’s a sweet question, you think. It would have been much sweeter and much easier to answer, though, if you understood at least a bit from the things you’re supposed to know. You went to university with the urge to prove something to yourself, but the only thing you’re proving to yourself right now is the fact that you are actually kind of useless, when it comes to biology.

“Just like the… whole thing, actually,” you nod, trying not to look as defeated as you feel and also trying not to burst out in a manic laugh as you always do when you feel slightly nervous about anything.

“Cool, cool, yeah,” he nods, taking a deep breath in, turning the textbook around and sighing, “I don’t think I can help you with that.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” you ask, confused. 

Lee Felix is the top of the grade. He is the best at biology, he is the best at chemistry, he is the best at his farmacy class. You’re sure he’ll be a fine biochemist in a few years, when his college times are over. Lee Felix is the smartest boy in your biology class and you are, coincidentally, quite the opposite on this spectrum. Which is exactly why your teacher managed to make Felix tutor you in his free time. You weren’t surprised at the fact that the blonde boy agreed to this-- he was quite the sweetheart, really. All the girls in your class fawned upon the way his freckles shined in the sunlight and the way he opened the doors for older professors. He was quite the boy you would want to introduce to your parents. Not quite the one every girl goes after, but the one that you would want to settle down with after your college years are over.

So why is he, the sweet, but also smart boy that agreed to tutor you, now telling you he can’t help you?

“It’s just.. I’m not really good at this section, I mean-”

“Felix, you’re the top of the class. Of course you’re good at this section.” you mumble, gazing deep into his eyes, trying to search for an answer.

“I-” he says and takes a sharp breath in, stopping himself in continuing his train of thought and just opting to shrug, not giving you a proper response either.

You feel like someone just punched you in the gut, and that’s when you realise-- here it is again. Another person that doesn’t believe in you-- another person that needs proving that you really can do it, you just need a little push. You can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t think you’re smart or bright enough to pass the exams, you’re not good enough to get good grades. It’s nothing new to you, but it still haunts you just the same.

“Is it because you know I can’t do it?” you bluntly ask, sighing. 

“No! No, no, I never said that-” he says, almost panicking with the way his hands fly into the air hurriedly, waving them around as if it was meant to calm you down. 

“You’re acting like it, though. I promise I’m not stupid- well, maybe I am, but-”

“You’re not stupid! It’s me! I’m the stupid one here.” he says, effectively silencing you with his words as you stare at him, dumbfounded. He’s joking, right?

“How can you be stupid when you get only the best grades? Felix, if you just don’t want to waste your time here, tell me, but don’t try to hide behind poor excuses.” you roll your eyes, feeling frustrated at the boy’s antics. Does he really think you’re that stupid that you can’t see right through his lies?

“I cheat.”

You blink a few times as if to reset your brain, gazing at him with pure confusion written in your orbs. He cheats? No. That’s a lie. A person as good at biology as Felix can’t cheat. All his exams are on 100% and he never makes any mistakes. He’s the epitome of the smart kid. The little Einstein. The prodigy. There’s no way it’s all cheating.

“No.” you shake your head in disapproval. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying! Look, I genuinely, really want to help you. I really do. The thing is, though, I don’t know how to study. I make cheat sheets and I use them at every exam and every test, that’s why everyone thinks I’m super smart, but that is really not the case,” he shakes his head, staring into your eyes with his wide open in honesty, wanting you-- no,-- needing you to understand. “I would tutor you if I could, really, but I just don’t know how to,” he sighs finally, acting like he’s just given birth or ran a marathon, exhaustion written all over his face.

“So why did you offer to tutor me, then?” you ask.

He takes a moment for himself to collect his thoughts, before he speaks up again. “Well, I didn’t really want to get caught. You see, I would never turn my back to anyone. Really. So I thought I could at least try to learn something? So I could help you? But I failed, as always, so I’m just coming clean in front of you and you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

The moment the last sentence leaves his mouth, you notice the apparent fear in his eyes, realising that he just shared an information with you that nobody really knows. It’s a secret he’s been hiding and keeping from everyone just to appear as the smartest one-- fooling everyone, including you. You feel even more stupid now, under his gaze. You feel played. You came to the tutoring, hoping to finally get a grip, when all you get is a person that is stepping all over the sandcastle of your fragile dreams, kicking every little piece of sand away with his lies. You know you shouldn’t feel so invested in this. You shouldn’t feel so hurt. But somehow, you still do. 

“So you just told me you are lying to everyone and cheating on tests and you want me to keep it a secret from everyone?” you ask in disbelief.

“Yes.” he nods, eyes hopeful. He’s been lying for the last year as if his life was depending on it and now he wants you to do the same-- keep quiet in front of everyone.

“And what do I do when the professor asks me why I’m not getting any better? Huh? Ever thought of that?” you leash out, harshly chewing on your bottom lip in nerves. “I want to pass. And I want to do it fair and square.” you get out in between your teeth.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think of that yet, but-”

“Leave.” you say, looking him sternly into his eyes.

“What do you mean, leave?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And you’re clearly not here to teach me anything, so you can just take your things and leave.” you spit out, crossing your hands over your chest.

“You leave, then,” he mutters, looking rather offended. You’re not sure why he’s the one hurt right now, but you guess that’s just how men and their egos are, there’s nothing more under his hurt eyes and shattered self-esteem.

“I ordered food, I’m not leaving.” you calmly respond. Once you say this, you’re reminded of the little quest you made for yourself. Never once did you feel silly for taking it so seriously in front of your other friends, but now, in front of Lee Felix with freckled dusted cheeks, you feel almost invisible as you realise why you even ordered the chicken wings and how you’re going to write a yelp review about them later.

Well, someone has to do it, and if not you, then who will, right? It’s the only valid way to find out who makes the best chicken wings in the town and not even your traitor-tutor is going to stop you now, when your list is only getting shorter and shorter. 

He stares at you for a few moments, dumbfounded, before he sighs and accepts his defeat. “Okay, I’ll just have to text my roommate to pick me up,” he admits.

You nod, just in time the server comes back with your food, offering her a welcoming smile. “Fine. But don’t even think of talking to me from now on. I’m not interested in more lies,” you spit at him, scowling as you take a look at the plate of chicken wings sitting in front of you in their full glory. You sense a very bad review, judging from the way the chicken wings look nothing like wings, rather full on small chickens dipped in oil, but dive in nonetheless. 

“Why do you have to be so dramatic?” he asks, voice coated in disbelief.

“Because I was scammed!” you yell out, mouth full of chicken, not caring a second about the way you might look in the boy’s eyes. Yes, you could have at least swallowed before speaking to him, but did you do it? No. No, you didn’t. 

“Oh come on-”

“Don’t even try arguing with me!” you spit at him-- quite glad that this time, it’s not literal-- and huff out in annoyance, when the door opens and a short boy with a bucket hat on steps into the bistro, the red fabric of the seats of the booths contrasting with his shoes in a way that makes you feel captivated, your eyes refusing to tear themselves away from him. 

The boy is taking quick steps to your booth and you almost choke on your chicken wings as you admire his full glory-- tanned skin and car keys in his hand, but his eyes meet the boy sitting opposite of you and that’s when everything clicks. This is not the boy of your dreams, this is Han Jisung. Your tutor’s best friend and roommate-- also known as the resident heartbreaker. You shouldn’t feel weak in your knees when you look at him, but that’s exactly what happens and you won’t feel ashamed about it. Well, not now, at least. In a few hours when you’re lying in your bed? Maybe. But I’ll tell you then.

“Yo, dude, I texted you like five minutes ago that I’m waiting for you outside, what are you still doing here?” he asks, furrowing his brows at his roommate and slowly moving his eyes to you, scanning you up and down, leaving your heart to do the stupid cartwheel you haven’t felt since, like, middle school. 

“We were in the middle of an argument, so I didn’t hear my phone ring.” Felix answers, glaring at you with spiteful eyes. You almost prepare to kill him with yours, but you focus on wiping the oil from the corner of your mouth and smiling heavenly, trying to look like a lady in front of your new visitor.

“Was Felix being absolutely unbearable again?” he asks you, surprising you with his subtle way of engaging you into the conversation.

You giggle, rolling your eyes slightly. “Yeah. You know him too well, don’t you?”

“Unfortunately,” he admits, looking defeated, when he moves his eyes to Felix, looking rather sulky on the red seat in front of you as you chat with his roommate, when Jisung’s tone of voice changes into a more worried one, speaking up again, “does she… did you…?”

“Yeah,” Felix just nods. 

Jisung sighs, sitting down next to his roommate, pushing him a little so he has more space in the booth. “What are you supposed to tutor her anyway?” he asks.

“Biology,” you mumble sooner than Felix gets the chance to speak up, motioning to the textbook still sitting at the table in front of you. 

The boy takes a look at the papers, his face changing from a focused one to a one more lighter, his eyes scanning the papers with ease. You notice his mouth moving a little as he reads the words under his breath, catching yourself from staring when you feel Felix’s eyes burning into the crown of your head, snapping you back to reality. 

“You know… maybe I could help you with that.” he says, looking like a business offering you a deal that you’re sure involves something illegal. He looks like a focused squirrel with his cheeks puffed out a little in what you sense is pride, something in his eyes glowing as you nervously chew on your bottom lip.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m actually quite good at biology, to be honest. Well, not as much as Felix over here-” he jokes, scowling when the blonde boy punches his arm, “but I think I could tutor you a thing or two.”

“What’s the catch?” you ask, nervously watching him. Something in his composure is telling you he’ll want something in return, but you don’t know what yet. You’re quite sure you’ll sell your soul for the adorable boy in front of you if he asked you to, but it never hurts to ask beforehand, right? 

“What do you mean, what’s the catch?”

“Like… what do you want in return?” you muse out, taking a bite of a fry, noticing how soggy it feels under your teeth.

“Woah, you spend 15 minutes with Felix and you already think there’s something illegal behind everything? I’ll let you know, I’m better than that.” he scoffs. “I’m just doing it because I see how miserable you are. And I also don’t want you to tell on my buddie over here.” he adds, smiling warmly.

You take notice of the way Felix’s eyes grow twice their size and how Jisung’s knee lightly bumps into his under the table. It’s subtle, but you think that maybe this is when you fully fell for the short boy in front of you-- when he offered to save his best friend’s ass by helping out a lost girl with biology. And who are you to say no now? I mean, you need the tutoring nonetheless. Who cares if the boy tutoring you is someone else? Maybe it’s even more appealing to you this way, but you’ll never admit that out loud.

“Okay then, sure.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear, feeling satisfied.

“Great. Now, give me half the fries and we can arrange our next tutoring session,” he smiles, “oh, and I’m Han Jisung, by the way.”

He winks. 

You should be disturbed, but strangely, you’re not. You grin back at him, offering him the soggy fries you’re sure you’re going to give a really bad review in the evening, watching his composure change into a more laid-back one, engaging you in a conversation and slunging an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

Lee Felix remains silent. He feels it once again-- he feels the loneliness of being left out. 

And he’s sure it won’t be the last time.

Lee Felix knows damn well how it feels to be the third wheel. He’s hung out with Jisung and his potential love interests multiple times, he’s even been on double dates with the said male, yet, he always somehow ends up being left out. So why does it still feel the same? Why does he still feel that restless feeling in his stomach, the emptiness in his chest, just like the first time? I guess you never get used to some things and emotions are one of them. No matter how much you argue that you know a feeling so well it doesn’t even surprise you anymore, it still hurts the same. That’s funny about emotions. Sometimes, they can’t even make you numb.

“Hurry up dude, the bistro closes in an hour and half!” Jisung rushes the taller male (not tall, just taller. Don’t misunderstand.) with his car keys in his hand, twirling them around his fingers in a nervous manner. Felix notices his roommate has put some effort into his outfit today, considering the lemon supreme shirt enveloping his body that he saves only for special occasions, yet, Felix doesn’t realise why he had to put it on when they’re literally just going out to eat some soggy fries in the bistro close to their house. He doesn’t ask, though. He doesn’t want the car key stuck in his forehead. He also doesn’t know why they have to rush so much, since they have an hour and half left before they close, but again, he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. 

Felix quickly puts his shoes on and rolls his eyes at his roommate. “I’m ready,” he announces.

Jisung swiftly takes a bottle of cologne from the table in their small hall (it’s so small they don’t even have a mirror in it, because there was no use in taking mirror selfies when all you can see on the picture is your phone case due to the fact that the room is too narrow for you to move further away) and sprays his body wit hit, efficiently confusing his roommate. “You wanna smell great for the waiter there? Because from what I remember, he was a stoner-”

“Oh, shut up. You never know when you’re gonna meet someone cute, am I right?” he asks, grinning from ear to ear like a cat, taking his backpack with him and opening the front door, “gotta look and smell presentable at all times.”

Felix wonders if this is why everyone always goes after his best friend. 

No, he thinks, it cannot be the cloud of cologne hanging around his body. It’s heavy and it makes Felix cough a little, but he tries to mask it, because he’s fairly sure Jisung won’t pay for his fries today if he doesn’t. And Felix is a simple man-- if he can get something for free, he will do anything to achieve it.

They arrive at the place in a few minutes and Felix can already feel his mouth watering at the thought of the salty fries and cheeseburger he’s going to get himself, joyfully skipping inside the bistro and waiting in the queue. Jisung follows him, standing next to him, efficiently covering the smell of the oil and all the good things on this earth-- read as fast food-- making Felix scowl. The boy behind the register, is, in fact, Na Jaemin-- the resident frat boy. Felix’s heard all about him from the girls staying at the dorms and to be honest, he’s quite glad he doesn’t have to live the stories of getting caught with weed at Jaemin's party on his own. That, and the fact that hot water runs in his apartment. Na Jemin might have the weed, but he surely doesn’t have that in his college dorm room. 

“Three milkshakes, two large fries, chicken wings and a cheeseburger, please.” Jisung orders, confusing Felix in one sentence. Since when is his best friend a bottomless pot for food? Is he really going to eat all of that?

“Coming right at you. Anything else?” Jaemin asks, voice considerate and polite, still turned on his customer service mode, even though Felix is sure him and Jisung have had shared a joint or two on one of his parties before.

“No, that’s all. Thanks, man,” Jisung answers, leaving with Felix right behind him. 

“Who’s gonna eat all of that? I hope you know you’re paying, and before you protest, yes, I did purposefully leave my wallet at home-” he rambles, still moving, when his train of thought is cut off by a person in his view.

You are sitting there in your full glory, smiling brightly at the boys approaching you. You’re dressed nicely, he notices-- you look like you put some effort into what you’re wearing. You don’t look that much different, but he can still see the slight changes you made to look neat. You’re glowing, Felix notices. You look excited.

“Hi, Y/N,” Jisung greets, taking a seat opposite of you. He doesn’t even give Felix an answer, he doesn’t even give him an explanation. He’s left there only to take a seat next to his roommate after collecting his thoughts, chewing on his bottom lip.

The conversation never moves his way. He is silenced. Felix wonders why he was even invited, watching the people behind the window laughing with their friends, happy to order some tasty food and have fun on this Thursday evening. He watches his friend and his classmate have fun-- well, as much fun as a tutoring session could be. You’re laughing at every single one of Jisung’s jokes and he swears Jisung’s eyes never leave your face, even when he’s explaining something to you. He wonders why Jisung didn’t tell him where they’re going. He wonders why he even had to come.

Lee Felix knows how third-wheeling feels. Yet, it still makes his little foolish heart hurt just the same every time.

You nervously chew on your bottom lip, cracking your knuckles in a habit your friends always scream at you for, waiting for your tutor-- well, he’s not really your tutor anymore-- to appear in the bistro on the other side of the town. You admire the decorations for a while, liking the way it looks modern here and the purple led lights make the whole place look aesthetic. You can already imagine multiple college kids going here and taking instagram pictures to look cool. It’s nice and you’ll definitely include it in your yelp review-- it won’t make it more stars, though, if the chicken wings don’t taste like heaven.

You tug on the sleeves on your hoodie, as if you were trying to make yourself disappear. I mean, you do feel embarrassing. You feel pathetic that it had to come down to this, but you guess desperate times call for desperate solutions. You’re not here to look put-together anymore. You’re going to show him your full glory and although you regret it a little, you still have a little spark of hope in you that Han Jisung-- the boy you, admittedly, were crashing on real hard right now, won’t find out.

Felix comes into the bistro in his full VSCO boy glory, as always. He is wearing a jean jacket and his freckled cheeks are dusted pink, you’d almost think he’s blushing all the time. He doesn’t quite fit the aesthetics of this futuristic looking bistro, you notice. The retro places you’ve been to so far fit him much more-- his sandy hair contrasted well with the yellow walls and red booths. It was starting to get a little repetitive, though, you must admit.

“Hi,” he greets you as he takes his seat, smiling at you with what you can only describe as a feeling of full uncomfort. You wonder what made him feel this way about you, but you don’t dare to think of it twice as you focus on the main quest of the day-- forcing him to teach you his ways.

“Hello,” you smile. 

Felix notices how natural you look-- it feels like now is the first time he’s seeing you in your full glory. You aren’t wearing your neat clothes for a meeting with Jisung and you’re not too casual like you were at your first ‘tutoring session’ either-- you’re just you. The way he doesn’t even see you in classes. He likes the fact that no one else than him can see you like this-- he likes the fact that Jisung is nowhere around, yet, he wonders why is that, exactly, since the two of you seemed to be hitting it off quite well so far.

Felix hasn’t been with Jisung when he last tutored you. He figured there’s no use, he’s going to get ignored all the time anyway. 

“So… what’s the matter?” he asks, folding his hands into his lap. He dares to take a quick look at you, noticing your worn-out shirt and dark circles under your eyes, worry washing over him. Did something happen? Was Jisung a jerk to you? 

“Well, I sort-of have a little problem,” you mumble out, tearing your gaze away from him. You seem shy for the first time in front of him and he wonders why. He doesn’t understand your sudden change of behaviour. This isn’t the you he’s used to. “Well, turns out, I am really stupid.” you propose, leaving Felix to gaze at you in surprise.

He chuckles. You swiftly look up at him with piercing eyes telling him to stop, and he almost does, but your face looks too adorable when it’s scrunched up like that, so he only giggles once more. “You’re not stupid.”

“I am!” you whine out, finally letting your whole shy facade fall, exposing the true you once again right in front of Felix’s eyes-- direct and fierceful. “Even Jisung’s tutoring isn’t helping and I feel so stupid with him! And I don’t want him to think that I’m stupid, even though I am, and I just… I can’t pass my exams like this, so I need your help.” you say, eyes big, looking almost pleading.

“And I am supposed to help… how? Exactly?” The confusion is written all over his face, and it almost makes you frustrated. You knew he must be smart, if his cheating has been so good he’s getting through college with straight As, but really, is he really that smart if he can’t read in between the lines?

“Help me cheat.” you quickly get out, biting down on your lower lip just as you say it, as if you were regretting it.

The silence that overtakes the two of you feels like it’s slowly going to eat you up alive, angrily biting into your skin. It feels heavy and suffocating, your palms sweating as you watch Felix blink at you with mouth agape, breathing in and out. You pray for him to make up his mind soon, or else you’re going to run out of the bistro without a yelp review, tearing the skin of your cuticles as you see him blink quickly a few times before shaking his head in disbelief, clearing his storage.

“You want me to help you cheat?” he asks for clarification, furrowing his brows at you.

“That’s correct.” you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You haven’t been this nervous since you took your college entrance exams, and that shows a lot, considering you used to say that has been the most difficult experience of your life so far.

“Because Jisung…. isn’t tutoring you well enough?” he asks again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance.

“Hey, don’t put the blame on Jisung! I’m just stupid, that’s all.” you say, looking down into your lap, because his gaze suddenly feels like he’s judging you and you really don’t feel like maintaining eye contact with him when you’re under pressure.

“If you don’t stop saying that, I will kick you.”

“You wouldn’t dare-”

“I would and I will-”

“Okay, but is that a yes, then?” you look up at him with hopeful eyes, resembling a puppy just a little too much, and, well, Felix can’t just reject you now, can he?

“I.. guess…?” he says, watching your face light up in joy as you clap a few times in excitement. 

“Great! Can we start today? We have to start today! I brought my text books and papers and sharpies and-” you are cut off by Felix’s face lighting up at the sight of you, his eyes looking warm and admiring. You quickly shake away the excitement before it goes too far and you actually go to hug him or something, taking a deep breath in and out to calm yourself down.

Just in that moment, the server appears with two servings of chicken wings and two large fries, making Felix look at you in confusion. 

“I ordered you food, since I thought we’ll stick around for a while..” you mumble, seeing him eagerly nod and take one fry into his hand, biting down on it with a face full of pleasure. 

“Perfect. Just let me eat a few of these and we can get right into work, I promise,” he mutters with a mouth full of food, prompting you to take a bite yourself. It doesn’t taste the worst-- the bistro you went to after prom last year was definitely worse than this, but still, you don’t think Felix’s face quite resembles how the food tastes. He looks as if the Queen of England made it. In reality, it’s just a soggy fry. 

“Why do you always order the same thing? Aren’t you tired of eating the same thing over and over again?” he asks suddenly, examining your face with real interest. No one’s ever noticed your eating habits before, just shrugging off what you order every single time. Your little fast food experiment has been a secret so far, even though it wasn’t that hard to cover it up-- nobody really cared until now. 

You feel blush creeping on your cheeks as you shrug, feeling a little embarrassed for like the hundredth time today, when you reply to the boy in front of you. You know his secret, so it only feels valid for him to know yours. “I have this experiment… like, I try chicken wings and fries at every single bistro, restaurant and fast food chain in the town to find out which one’s the best…” you mumble, looking into your plate instead of facing him out of the ugly feeling of patheticness creeping up your back.

“Oh, that’s cool!” he exclaims, pointing his fry your direction, a response you didn’t quite expect, “Where do they have the best ones so far?” he asks, genuine interest painting his features.

“Oh,” you get out, feeling your lips unvoliteraly tug into a smile, “I don’t.. I still have a few bistros and the McDonald’s on the highway out of the city left, but I’d say the best ones so far were at Wendy’s. I didn’t quite like the chicken wings there, though, so…”

“Hmm,” he nods, deep in thought, “we just get food at where’s the closest.” he says, munching on a chicken wing. “I guess we could pay a little more attention to the food from now on, because after eating this, I’m never going to eat the food from the bistro right in front of our flat again.”

“Yeah, that bistro’s really awful. I only gave it around 2.5 stars, I think-” you say, before you realise you just spilled out another secret to him, feeling your cheeks heating up. 

“2.5 stars? What, do you write yelp reviews or something?” he asks, clearly amused by your accidental spill-out.

“And what if I do?” you defend yourself, glaring at him with fake annoyance. No man will ever make fun of you because you write yelp reviews. Not Lee Felix, even though he seems too nice to actually make fun of you because of something, not anyone. 

“That’s cool, though! Those help so much when you travel,” he says, eagerly nodding at you with big eyes and an adorable grin plastered on his face, making you feel understood and happy with just the sudden sign of acceptance. Turns out your little weird obsession isn’t as embarrassing as you thought it was. Or Lee Felix really is the sweetest guy walking on this earth. Either one is fine in your books.

You stay there for a few hours and Felix teaches you the basic cheat codes-- never meet the teacher’s eye, never finish your tests too quickly, always forcefully pick the wrong option before scribbling it out and putting in a correct one to not seem too suspicious. He even takes a piece of paper from you and scribbles down the basic cheat-sheet making structure. 

He feels good with you. He feels useful. He knows he shouldn’t be teaching you this, but really, is it really doing any harm? We all have to go through college somehow.

Yet, all evenings always end the same for Felix, with a bad feeling in his gut and a fake smile on his face hiding the true meaning behind his actions. He’ll never be the first choice and you remind him even today, after you leave the ‘tutoring session’ with a quick hug to the male, lowering your voice so only he can hear when you pay him your goodbyes.

“Don’t tell Jisung, okay?”

Of course. It’s all because you don’t want to look embarrassing in front of his best friend.

It goes all how you planned it to-- you’re sitting at your next tutoring session with two males in front of you. One of them is your supposed tutor and one of them is a boy that’s helping you pass your exams for real. You’re into one of them, even though you shouldn’t. You wonder how you even ended up in this mess. You swear you were a good student in high school, always submitting your assignments on time and making sure your tests were on 100%. It was kind of fueling your ego, in a way. You had no other plans in your life to hold on to, no dreams to dream, so you reasoned to do the only thing that you were good at-- getting good grades. You had to prove to yourself that there was a reason, a meaning behind your life. You had to prove to yourself that your existence was valid.

You watch Jisung with interest. You pray to god that he doesn’t catch you in your act, because that would surely be embarrassing. You don’t want him to find out that you’re just fine with cheating, because that meant your tutoring sessions with the male would end and there was no other reason for you to see him. You knew Han Jisung wasn’t interested in you. You were sure you’d see it on him if he was. And even then, you weren’t interested in only a short relationship without any good point. You liked Jisung, but you didn’t like his reputation. One week wasn’t long enough for you to waste your time on him and get your heart broken. You weren’t sure if he was a player, or if he just wanted to desperately find the one by trying all the possibilities, but you weren’t going to find out. 

Felix watches you with interest in his eyes-- but you don’t notice. He prays that Jisung doesn’t find out about your secret little ‘tutoring sessions’, because that would mean he wouldn’t have a reason to hang out with you anymore. And Felix really doesn’t want that to happen. For some reason, he doesn’t want you to ever frown. And he’s sure that’s exactly what would happen if Jisung cancelled.

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening inside of his little, foolish heart when he sees you smile at Jisung and his stomach fills with worry. 

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening with him when every time Jisung subtly takes your hand in his makes his insides twitch in frustration. He thinks it’s just because of the fact that he’s third-wheeling again, like all his life, and maybe that is partly true, but it’s not the whole reason behind the cloud around his head.

It clicks only when him and his roommate are back home, sitting at the dinner table with the left-overs from the new bistro you three went to, munching on the chicken wings and another pack of soggy french fries and the cola they had in their fridge.

“So… what do you think about Y/N?” Jisung asks suddenly, making Felix furrow his brows in confusion.

“What should I think? She’s smart, I guess…” he mumbles, mouth full of food, not quite grasping the full meaning of his roommate’s question. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung quickly nods in approval, “she’s getting really good. I mean, you can still see she’s having some troubles when I’m tutoring her, but at least she always gets good grades on tests now,” he says, biting down on another piece of chicken wing. Felix feels a wave of pride wash over him after hearing the words-- of course you’re doing well on exams. It’s all Felix’s doing. You’re a quick learner, when it comes to cheating. 

“Yeah, she’s good,” he says. 

“Well,” Jisung suddenly starts, meaning to sound nonchalantly, but only sounding like he’s determining his biggest life secret in front of his friend instead, “I like her.”

Felix almost chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth, trying to play it off with a small chuckle. “Oh? You do?”

“Yeah. Should I.. Should I ask her on a date or something?” he asks and Felix swears he can see his friend’s cheeks reddening a little, even though the last time he’s seen Jisung embarrassed was when he accidentally called their Math’s teacher mum in eleventh grade. 

“You don’t date, though,” Felix opposes.

“That’s not true-”

“Two weeks long relationships aren’t relationships, Jisung.” 

“Not my fault they’re never the one! It gets boring after a while, Felix, I can’t just-”

“Why are you even asking me this?” Felix suddenly cuts him off, glaring at him. He doesn’t know why he’s reacting in such a way. It’s not like it’s the first time Jisung is going to date someone for two weeks just to break their heart, it’s not the first time they’re going to run after Felix a week after just so they can still be around the one that broke their heart. This time, though, he does not want to see another heart get broken.

“Jesus, chill, man… I was just asking, since you two seem closer. Did she mention anything about me? Is she dating anyone?” Jisung asks, eyes lighting up.

Felix could be an asshole. He could tell Jisung that you’re already dating someone, he could tell him to back off and that you’re not interested. However, he does not do that. Instead, he does the quite opposite. He pushes his best friend into asking you out, he tells him he should try it, because that’s just the kind of person he is. Besides, he knows you’re into him. Maybe the smile on your face could make him forget about the fact that you’re going to get your heart broken. 

“Sure, go for it.” he shrugs, “I don’t really care anyway.”

“Fine, then-”

“I’m gonna shower.” Felix says, quickly standing up from his chair and moving to the bathroom, quickly escaping the conversation.

Only then he realises what he feeling in his gut means, only then he notices the way his sigh feels like the weight of the world is sitting on his shoulders and he can’t breathe any time you’re around Han Jisung. 

He realises he likes you. 

And clearly, you don’t like him back.

Emotions are something you never quite get used to. Even the emotion of feeling rejection, the emotion of always being behind his best friend’s shadow. Lee Felix is always just the friend. Never the love interest. This time, though, it feels even more heavy, because in a way, you seem way more special in his eyes than the people that went after him just to get with his best friend.

This time, he does not want to see another heart get broken. Because it’s your heart we’re talking about.

And to prevent his heart shattering to even more pieces, he has to do something.

He has to stop liking you.

As soon as possible.

“Y/N?” 

“Mhhm?” you ask, raising your eyes up from the cheat sheet you’re creating with Felix’s help, the grease of the fries you’re eating glistening on your chin. You’re with him in a yet another crappy bistro, trying yet another soggy fries, and even though there’s nothing special on you to a stranger’s eye, Felix’s heart can’t help but run twice the speed of light. 

“How do you stop liking someone?” he mumbles, furrowing his brows a little, deep in thought. 

“Oh, do you like someone?” you ask, and Felix momentarily lights up at the thought of you caring if he’s interested in someone, but when his eyes meet yours and he notices them glistening and lightening up in curiosity, he realises it’s just because you’re happy for him. As a good friend should be. 

“No, no,” he quickly shakes his head in disapproval, snickering to himself, “I’m just asking. Because, think, what if, hypothetically, there’s someone who is into someone else. Easy, right? But what if their best friend likes the same person? And you know you shouldn’t like them because they’re into their friend as well? What is there to do at that point?” 

You scan his face for a few seconds, thinking to yourself. “Hmm,” you start, “I guess you have to start hating them. So the feelings disappear.” you nod, satisfied with your answer.

“How’s that possible?” he asks, scoffing.

“Well, I don’t know, since it’s all hypothetical anyway,” you giggle, focusing back on your cheat sheet. Your notes are getting smaller and smaller and Felix notices the improvement in your small lettering, making your cheat sheet less noticeable. You’re learning quickly.

“Oh come on,” he whines, kicking your leg under the table, “talk to me. How can a person start hating someone? Give me a tutorial.” 

“Well, since you really need to know,” you roll your eyes, putting away the pen from your hand and resting your back against the seat of the booth, “there are a few steps you can take.”

“For example?”

“Well, you have to stop hanging out with them, first thing’s first.” you start. “Because if you don’t hang out with them, you will eventually hate the fact that they’re not near, which will, logically, make you hate them instead.”

“Is that really logical, though?” Felix asks, furrowing his brows at you. In his books, this made no sense at all, but you seemed pretty satisfied with your answer.

“Of course it is! Then, you have to find something about them that you can hate. Anything. Find even the smallest thing, and blow it up in your mind until you hate it. Easy, right?” 

“...I don’t think that’s helping at all,” he says, tone of voice unsure. 

“Of course it is! You’re just refusing that it can be true, because you think I’m stupid.” you stick out his tongue at him, focusing on your work instead.

He kicks you under the table, making you scowl. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I told you that if you’ll make that comment again, I will kick you. So I just did right that.” he says. “Besides, your ideas are stupid. Not you. There’s a difference in that.” he smartly points out, making you roll your eyes at him.

“So, who is it that you like?”

“No one. I told you, it’s hypothetical.” he glares at you.

“Right,” you nod, sighing, “well, I’ll just stick to that, since that means Jisung doesn’t like anyone and I still have a chance.” you smile at him, obviously missing out on the way your words just punched him into the gut. Felix laughs it out, kicking you in the shin instead.

“Right. Of course you do,” he nods. He wishes he didn’t mean that.

You two remain in silence for a moment, while you get back to your work and Felix pretends he’s playing a game on his phone. You don’t notice the way his eyes scan you over, admiring you, once in a while. No one ever does. He guesses this is the perk of always being just the friend. The one people are friends with just because they want something from him. The one that gets taken advantage of. He chooses not to think about it more. Maybe if he did, he could hate you over it, if he wasn’t so used to that feeling anyway. 

“We should hang out on the weekend,” you say, taking him by surprise.

“Oh?” he mumbles out, “with Jisung?”

“No?” you furrow your brows, “look, I know I look like I’m obsessed with him, but I actually just want to hang out with you alone as friends once in a while, you know.”

“We’re hanging out now, though.”

“It’s midnight, Felix,” you point out, “and we’re working. I want to hang out with my friend, like a normal person, you know.” you shrug.

“Yeah…” he says, when your words resonate in his mind like a broken curse. ‘Don’t hang out with them.’ Don’t hang out with her. You have to hate her. He has to start hating you-- there’s no other way. And so, he turns to taking your words into consideration. He can’t meet with you if he’s not ‘tutoring’ you. There’s no way. “We’ll see. I’ll tell you if I’m free.” he smiles warmly instead, because truth be told, he’ll never tell you no to your eyes. He’s always been a bit of a coward. And he also doesn’t want you to frown. Ever.

“Great!” you smile. 

And when Felix comes home that night, at 2am in the morning when his roommate is already asleep-- not knowing of your secret meetings, he lays down in his bed and repeats your advice like a broken mantra. He can’t like you. He has to hate you.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. Only meet her when it’s necessary. If you don’t meet her, you’ll start hating her absence, resulting in hating her altogether. 2. Find a small thing about her to blow up so much you start to hate it. 

That’s not difficult. He hates that you like Han Jisung. It’s a small mistake, a small flaw, but he’s ready to blow it up so much he hates you for it. He hates that he’s not the first choice. He hates that you don’t like him.

Maybe he would hate you more if you were dating his best friend for real.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. 2. Find a thing to hate about her. SUCCESS! 3. Set her up with Han Jisung.

Now, this plan is bulletproof, isn’t it?

Felix unexpectedly breaks the first step of his guide only a few days later-- on a chilly friday afternoon, when his body is hurriedly skipping to the edge of the town centre only to meet with you. Just for the record, though, Felix didn’t intend to break the promise he gave to himself. He really wasn’t going to hang out with you if he didn’t specifically need to, but, well… you called Jisung to hang out. Felix’s heart almost skipped a few beats when he was added to a three-person big group chat with you and his roommate and at that point, he wasn’t going to reject an invitation to the fare in town, because he was fairly sure Jisung didn’t like rollercoasters and he wanted to see you laugh your ass off at him in front of everyone. Is it a little spiteful? Possibly. Does he care? Not that much.

Besides, it’s only one time. It will never happen again!!

He finds you with your black leather jacket on, stepping from one leg to the other, looking around like a lost puppy. Felix mentally curses at himself for not coming sooner so you wouldn’t feel so alone and awkward in the mass of people, when he realises he’s already 15 minutes late because of his afternoon class and his roommate is nowhere to be found.

“Thank god! I thought you were going to bail on me as well,” you call out when Felix is close enough, smiling at him.

“Where’s Jisung?”

“He texted me like 5 minutes ago that he can’t make it today. Something about his mum being in town? I’m not sure,” you furrow your brows, “at least you’re here now, though.”

Felix is met with the realisation that he’s left alone with you again, mentally cursing at himself. This surely does not look like a plan to hating you. It looks like a bullet-proof plan on how to fall even deeper for you, with how your stray hairs are flying around your head and you adorably scrunch up your nose and sniffle from the cold. 

“Should we go?” he forces out of himself, looking at you hopefully.

“Yeah!” you nod, striding a few steps in front of him like a happy school girl excited to go to school for the first time. Felix can’t surpass the gentle smile forming on his lips, shaking his head in disbelief. You look so cheerful and so joyful, making his heart swell with how easily you manage to make him feel so young again. 

He follows you gladly, managing to match his speed with yours, almost forgetting for a moment that he’s not on a date with you, almost forgetting about the fact that you like his best friend and the smile you’re giving him is nothing against the wide grin you offer to his roommate.

“Let’s go on that one!” you cheer, taking Felix by the hand and tugging him your way, not once giving him the opportunity of letting go as you drag him all around the fare. You remind him of his younger sister with how excited you get about the smallest things and he realises he wants to protect your heart from the world just as much as he wants to protect his little sister’s. It’s not the same feeling, though. The affection he feels for you is different. 

Felix doesn’t find it in him to tell you no whenever you tug him on another ride, even when his legs are tired and his jaw hurts from smiling. He finds himself wanting to capture your image into his brain forever, imprint the happy memory in there so he can find it and look at it whenever his heart feels lonely. For the first time in ages, he forgets about everything. He forgets that he’s just the friend, the other choice. He completely forgets that Han Jisung was supposed to be there, at his place, sitting next to you on the ferris wheel as you watch the night city under you with cold cheeks and frozen bodies.

“You must be sad that Jisung isn’t here with you right now. That would surely feel much more romantic than sitting here with me,” Felix says bitterly once the reality hits him for a second, once his heart is unsheltered for a short moment and your eyes meet.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” you roll your eyes, “Jisung can’t be romantic. Besides, if I really wanted a date with him so badly, I wouldn’t have asked you to come with us, would I?” you smile at him, swinging your legs forward and backward, focusing your eyes somewhere into the distance again.

“Well, if you really want to go on a date with him, you can just ask him, you know?” he mumbles, playing with the dead skin on his thumb.

“So he can stand me up and go on a date with his mum again? I don’t know, Felix, is that really worth it?” you giggle, not noticing the way you’re messing with the boy’s head, not noticing the way a small spark of hope lights up somewhere in the deep pits of his stomach when you mention not wanting to ask his best friend out. 

“I don’t know, is it?”

“I’ll have to think about it.” you muse out, and the spark is gone. Of course it’s not that simple. 

Felix just nods and grins at you. The chilly air helps him hide his red cheeks when he thinks of how embarrassing his thoughts must have been in the past quick seconds. He focuses on your face, on the way your eyes crinkle up a little when you stare somewhere far into the distance and your hair flies a little with the breeze. The ferris wheel just reached the top, so he has plenty of time to keep admiring you from so close, but somehow, the moment still feels so short and he wishes he could stop the time. He wishes he could stop the time so he didn’t have to face the reality when he comes down from the ferris wheel. He wishes he didn’t have to see you fall in love with his friend, he wishes he didn’t have to act like he doesn’t care at all. 

“Thanks for helping me, by the way. I wouldn’t have passed my exams if it wasn’t for you and that… that would be really hard on me.” you get out, locking your eyes with his sincerely. He sees your eyes shining even so high above the ground, convincing him the sparkles really must be the stars, when he takes a deep breath in and responds.

“It’s no problem, I get it… I mean, it’s what you gotta do. What we gotta do, when we want to pass. And graduate,” he chuckles. 

Does he really want the degree, though? Or does he just need it to feel like he has some worth? Does he want to graduate or does he just want his parents to value him as an adult, does he really want to continue working so hard on passing or would he just be so much happier if he just dropped out. And saved himself so much stress. He should have known he was never smart enough for college.

“Yeah. I despise the smart kids in our class. I wish I were them,” you scoff, “I despise Jisung, in a way, too,” you add after a dramatic pause.

“Jisung?” Felix furrows his brows.

“Yeah,” you nod, like it’s the clearest thing in the world, “I mean, he’s smart enough to pass. He’s… he’s got his life figured out, in a way. He’s just fine. Getting all the girls and the guys, getting good grades, going on dinner dates with his mum on Fridays,” you giggle, “I mean, I want that. That sounds nice.”

Felix huffs, staring into the distance, “I guess you’re right.” He knows damn well how jealousy feels. 

“I came to college to prove to myself that my life has some worth, but I guess the only thing I prove to myself is that I can’t even pass my exams without help.” you sigh, sounding defeated.

“Hey,” he nudges you a little with his foot, “don’t say that. Life isn’t about grades, degrees and that shit. Of course you have worth and value.” 

He sees you smile in defeat, leaning your head on his shoulder. The feeling of acceptance, pure understanding washes over the two of you, when you gently speak up again. “Try to explain that to my brain.” 

He lightly giggles. “I’m trying, as you can see.”

You look up at him from his shoulder, scrunching up your nose and leaning closer to him, whispering. “It’s not working.” you laugh.

“I know it’s not easy,” he shakes his head, “I’ve been trying to tell that to my family for the past 21 years.” he slips out. Something about you makes him spill out even things he’s never told anyone before, but he finds himself not caring as you approach his eyes with pure serenity mixed with melancholy.

“Is it all because of your parents?” you ask, “the cheating, I mean.”

Felix feels his eyes giving him out, so he chooses not to look at you anymore. “I mean, I would have dropped out long ago if I didn’t have to feel so worthless around my family then. Every single one of my cousins is smart, has a degree and earns a killing. I’m just me-- living from the money I earned over summer, trying not to lose my mind with biology.”

He hears you humming next to him, your head moving as you nod in understatement. The ferris wheel is slowly reaching the bottom again and Felix finds the fact quite relieving. He doesn’t mind having deep talks with you, he just fears he might spill out something both of you don’t want to hear.

“I’m glad you came with me today, Lix.” you smile at him once the two of you reach the bottom, “wanna hear a secret?”

“Spill it out,” he dares you, grinning.

“I only invited Jisung because I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me alone.” you confess, quickly turning around in your spot as you jog a few steps in front of him, carelessly, as if you just didn’t make Felix’s heart stop and insides twitch in excitement. He prays and hopes it’s not just you giving him false hope, he wishes it’s not his mind playing tricks on him. 

“I-” 

“And now that I know you don’t mind being around me, do you wanna go to the dog cafe with me next Wednesday? You know, the one I talked about.” you turn around, flashing him a smile worth a billion dollars, taking him by surprise as his breathing hitches and he doesn’t find it in him to reject you ever again.

“Sure.”

Second step of Lee Felix’s guide to helping you: find a small thing about you he doesn’t like to blow up so much he starts hating you altogether. 

He was so sure that he found the small thing just a few days ago. He thought that the fact that you like his best friend could be enough for him to start hating you. He could sit on that thought for long enough to pick it up to the smallest pieces and over-analyse it to the point he could start hating you. 

And he tries to do just that-- he lies awake at night thinking of how every single person he’s ever been interested in slipped right between his fingers just because of Jisung’s existence. He wonders why he’s never good enough to anyone, why he always has to be the second choice even for tutoring (even though it’s not even tutoring, but we won’t talk about that anymore). He thinks of how you’re so foolish to think your relationship with Jisung is going to last, because Jisung’s feelings never stay the same for long. He over-analyses the smallest things he notices on you when you’re in Jisung’s presence until the point he’s almost sure he can do it, he can hate you for it just a little, in a way, but then, the thought flies right out of the open window as his roommate crashes into his door in the middle of the night.

He startles awake, sitting up at his bed, watching the short male going in with much difficulty, sitting on his bed without a word.

“Jisung?”

“Lixie, I fucked it all up, didn’t I?” Jisung whines, laying down on the bed next to his friend. Felix doesn’t think it’s only due to the late hours of the night that his friend’s words aren’t making any sense, but he doesn’t dare to put his finger on it until he makes sure for himself.

“What are you talking about?”

“Y/N.”

Your name coming out of his lips hits Felix like a baseball bat, hurting in all the right places, as the young male finds it in him to continue the conversation.

“What about her?”

“She asked us to hang out together. And I didn’t go. I know it wasn’t my fault, because my mum was in the town, but still, I feel so bad, because now it must look like I’m not interested in her and that I don’t care and I really don’t want that, you know?” he stummers, making Felix realise his friend talks a lot when he’s under the influence of alcohol just the same second Jisung’s breath catches in Felix’s nose, only proving his point. 

“You didn’t fuck it up, don’t worry.” he muses. And it’s true. Jisung could never truly fuck it up with anyone. Even his exes always crumble up around his feet, wanting attention even after getting their heart broken. Will it be the same with you?

“She must think I don’t like her. And that’s horrible-that’s- that’s- I like her. Very much,” he whines again, getting closer to Felix and wrapping his arms around the blonde’s torso in a wave of affection that only washes over him when he’s drunk.

“Sung-” he stutters, desperately trying to push him away, but even though Jisung doesn’t look like it, he is a strong individual when it comes to involuntary cuddling. Felix can never escape his arms.

“I think she’s special, you know? She’s like- I can’t explain it. It’s like with her, I actually want to try. I want to ask her on dates and love her and give her my heart, because you know, I never dared to give my heart to anyone. And no one’s ever made me feel truly special before…” he mutters, forcing his nose to Felix’s neck, “I’m rambling too much, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, nodding. He doesn’t battle his arms anymore. Jisung is his friend, at the end of the day. He can hold him when he needs it.

“Sorry.” he says shortly, sighing as well. The room falls into silence and Felix’s head spins again, his thoughts spiral like a tornado and the eye of the storm is you-- standing there with that stupid smile on your face and he once again realises that he needs to hate you in order to shelter his own heart, because you’re like a hurricane when it comes a to a person’s emotions.

The fact is, though, he could never hate you for liking his best friend. 

Han Jisung is too likable for his own good. His heart is too big for this world, and truth be told, he’s been sharing it with everyone for such a long time now, he deserves to find someone he’s willing to give his all to. 

He could never hate you for liking Jisung-- the boy who smiles at everyone in the halls, the boy that offered him to live in the flat his parent’s bought for him in freshman year, the boy that helps him hide his cheating secret every day. He could never hate you for liking Jisung, because he himself knows too well how much of a treasure his dear friend is. 

He gets it. He gets why people always choose Jisung over him. He could never blame you.

“Sung?”

“Hmm?”

“Ask Y/N out to the dog cafe on Wednesday. She'll love it.”

Felix could never hate you.

Step three of Felix’s bullet-proof guide to hating you is quite simple and actually the only one he completes with success. Setting you up with Jisung on a date is easier than he ever imagined, considering the fact that his roommate decided to finally take things into his own hands and call you on a date after the drunken weeping episode in Felix’s bed. 

Jisung invites you on a date to the dog café in town. The two of you go on Wednesday and although Felix feels like he just gave his roommate a piece of him, an invitation that was never meant for him in the first place, he feels at ease, because at least one part of his plan is working. He could never hate you, but at least now, it will be easier for him to ignore his growing feelings for you when you spend all your time with Jisung on dates and ice cream runs. He only has to ignore his feelings in school and at your ‘tutoring’ sessions. He wonders how long these will be a secret in front of your new boyfriend. Jisung’s not your boyfriend yet, but Felix can only imagine how short the time he isn’t is going to last. 

Felix does the stupid mistake of opening the instagram app in the evening, when he’s curled up in his bed with an embarrassingly big bowl of popcorn on his bed side table, serving him as his depression food. He sees your post show up, an adorable picture of you from the dog café, a big golden retriever in your lap as you giggle at its face. The picture is candid and looks like the kind Felix would like to keep as his lock screen if he had the chance. He’s sure his best friend took it for you not only from the fact that you went out with him tonight, but also for the fact that he’s tagged in the post’s description with a big blue heart emoji. 

He could stop staring at the picture if he really wanted, he could mute your posts and pretend you never existed to shelter his poor heart. He could do everything in his strength to cut all his ties with you. That would make it so much easier for him, wouldn’t it?

But he doesn't. And maybe he doesn’t even want to-- he’s used to the pain anyway, isn’t he? The bitterness, the feeling of being pushed away, ignored and left forgotten. 

He was supposed to be in Jisung’s place now, but that doesn’t change the simple fact that he isn’t-- maybe it was never his place to claim anyway. 

Felix stares at the picture for minutes, wondering of how things could be if you only didn’t fall for his best friend. Or if he came with you today. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t too late for him to ask you on a date. Maybe he could still change your mind. Felix likes to give up on things too quickly, though, and that is the curse that will follow him his whole life. 

Lee Felix is good at cheating. He is insanely good at it, he would also say it’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. Pretending.

It’s his time to shine again. It’s time to pretend he doesn’t like you, pretend you don’t hurt him, pretend he isn’t in love with his best friend’s crush. He’s been always the best at cheating and now it’s time to cheat his way out of liking you. 

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

“You must be really hungry, if you’re planning to eat all of that in one setting,” Felix mumbles, watching you as you eat yet another plate of chicken wings in yet another pointless bistro in town. Felix wonders how you even know about all of these, since the one you’re both sitting in right now, in the middle of the night, looks rather lonely. It doesn’t even seem that welcoming-- it has graffiti on the walls and the seats are a little torn on the edges, but you don’t seem to care as you munch on the chicken, eyes big when you stare back at your companion.

“I eat a lot when I’m stressed,” you mutter in between your bites, mouth full. You look natural like this and Felix realises this is you in his mind-- cheeks full of food, that little wrinkle in between your brows when you look at him, eyes staring big into his like a loyal dog. This is how he knows you, in your rawest form, and this is coincidentally, also, how he likes you the most. He loves and treasures every single version of you, but your late-night meetings feel of different kind of intimacy to him that he’s sure he’s going to think of even when he’s old and his college years are dusty like an old polaroid picture.  

“Stressed?” he asks, tone of voice a little more worried than usual. Felix always worries about you. Even when you quietly take out your cheat sheet from under the table and write your answers down. He doesn’t fear being caught-- he frankly doesn’t care that much, but he knows that you are having a battle with yourself and he really doesn’t want you to feel like you lost. He didn’t know it was so easy to put someone else first when you worry for the future. 

“The finals are coming up.” you clarify, the words coming out a little bashful and smitten.

“Oh.” he nods. 

You’re both quiet for a while. It would be cheesy to say the silence was comfortable, and Felix knows, he’s seen enough teenage dramas to know these words are used in situations like this, but the truth is, there’s no other way to describe it, and he understands that now. Your determination shines through all your edges and he’s glad you’re doing what you can with the resources you have. You’re not exactly studying for your Biology finals, but it’s still as hard and as stressful as that. It can feel a little embarrassing at times, but there’s no other way around it. You have to battle your enemy, even if it means the game is not fair.

“And those chicken wings are fucking good, dude,” you mutter after a while, offering him one of the paper baskets the server brought you a few minutes ago, looking rather stoned and not interested in your presence at all.

“Don’t tell me this rotten place is winning your chicken wings and fries contest,” Felix snickers, taking a bite that, to his surprise, actually tastes the best out of the amount of fast food chains and restaurants you’ve brought him to. You should never judge a book by its cover and this bistro is clearly one of the examples.

“I have only one place left to go, so we’ll see then, but I guess it might just be the top place right now,” you muse out, a wide grin decorating your features as you glance up at Felix that watches you scribble down your notes on a mini piece of paper.

“Wanna go with me there? After the finals, of course. We can celebrate if we pass,” you point out, licking your lips in nerves, “I don’t think I’ll need these ‘tutoring sessions’ anymore then, but I still want to hang out sometime.” you say, putting air quotes around the words tutoring session, looking at him with expectations in your eyes.

“Oh, sure,” he agrees, nodding. “I have to be there when you finally declare your last yelp review.”

You only laugh at him and shake your head, eating some more as you look down into your notes again, lost in work. “I still don’t get how you can do these so fast.”

“I already know what’s the most useful. You don’t have to copy the whole textbook on there.”

“You can never know! What if I’ll need it all?” you exclaim, only making him laugh harder.

He points his eyes out of the window, watching the empty parking lot. You didn’t come in your car today, telling Felix your house is close anyway, and Felix doesn’t dare to drive his car anywhere unless he doesn’t need to. He has a little bit of a trauma since the last time he drove with his dad and he almost ran the car into a tree, getting a shower of swear words and exclamations from his dear father, so he only drives his small white Renault when he needs to go home. Which is, coincidentally, next week. 

“I really don’t want to go home next week,” he sighs.

“Your family is still onto you for the smallest shit?” you ask, tone of voice sympathetic.

“Yeah. Can’t wait to graduate so I don’t have to listen to them talking about a degree anymore,” he rolls his eyes, “I only have to find myself a partner so my grandma can shut up about me being single all the time.”

You softly laugh, making Felix look at you for a moment, his heart skipping a few beats when your eyes meet for a little more seconds than usual. “I’m sorry. You can always text me, though, if you need anyone to talk or gossip with.” you say, averting your eyes from his.

“You’d have to be on your phone 24/7, then. My mental stability comes down by 70% when I’m back home and it’s already only on 15% now,” Felix snickers.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll be staying here anyway.” you say, giggling.

“You’re not coming back home?”

“No,” you shake your head in disapproval, quickly glancing into his eyes before speaking up again, “it’s my parent’s wedding anniversary, so they’re going on a holiday. There’s no use in me coming home if I’m just going to be alone there anyway,” you shrug.

Felix hums, nodding in understatement. “That makes sense. I’m sorry you can’t meet your family on holidays, though.”

“It’s okay,” you say, “I see them often anyway. One Christmas won’t kill me. I have a whole season of Game of thrones to catch up on anyway.” you light-heartedly laugh, sounding like Felix’s favorite song. He smiles with you, shaking his head in disbelief at how positively you can always see the world, when he glances out of the window for a moment again, only to be met with a surprise. 

There are white flakes of snow falling from the sky and something in Felix wakes up-- something he’d call happiness, maybe even joy, when he quickly shoots up from his seat and calls you with excitement coating his voice, “Y/N! Y/N! Come on!”

“Come where? Felix, what are you-” 

He doesn’t let you finish as he takes you by the hand and tugs you on your feet, tugging you out of the empty bistro out into the dark parking lot, admiring the snowflakes falling onto the ground and every surface in his sight. He sees some stick into your hair, making him giggle as his outstretched hand dusts them off subconsciously, when he starts running around like a happy child, laughter coming out of his throat filling the silence.

“It’s snowing!” you exclaim, when Felix reaches your body frozen in its place again. He reminds you of a golden retriever when he jumps a little in his place, his feet happily crouching in the snow. You laugh at his antics when he starts acting like a little boy, this side of Felix being so new to you, yet you can’t help but feel your heart swell with admiration when he asks you to catch some snow into your mouth.

“Felix! That’s disgusting!” you refuse, laughing.

“Oh come on! It’s just water!” he cheers, leaning his head back and opening his mouth wide, waiting for the snow to fall into his mouth. 

“But it’s unhygienic and dirty! You have to be kidding me!” you still reject his idea, standing your ground firmly as always in your life so far, when a face of a boy looking like an angel takes you by surprise and his big eyes plead you in a way that makes you drop all your grudges and all your beliefs down, rolling your eyes when he pouts, leaning your head back as well and opening your mouth with a loud ‘aaaa’ sound to satisfy his foolish heart.

Once you both feel a snowflake hitting your tongues, you look at each other with your tongues out, laughing at how stupid the other one looks, pointing to your tongues. You shake your head. “It melted off, you stupid!”

“You did the same thing!” he bursts out laughing, bending over in the force of his emotions. You watch him with a wide grin plastered onto your face. It feels like watching a movie. You don’t think you’ll ever have a brighter memory with the boy in front of you, with his cheeks red from the snow and smile so wide it hurts both of your jaws.

You instinctively take his hands into yours, looking down on your feet as you start going around in a circle with him, going quicker and quicker as you watch your footprints in the snow mixing with his, the dry skin of his hands making you feel strange. You laugh out when your head starts spinning, looking up at him to find him already staring at you with stars in his eyes, when you wonder,

isn’t this how love is supposed to feel?

All of his life, Felix had thought that family gatherings could always either go two ways, and that is: 1) a normal, boring meet-ups where your grandma asks about how school’s going, when you’re going to finally find a partner and another one of your cousin’s announces their engagement party, or 2) the actual engagement parties-- every single family member including the senile grandma from mum’s side gets drunk and you don’t have to think about more fake reasons why you have yet to lose your virginity.

You see, Felix is wrong in a lot of things. And this was surely one of them-- it’s the December 27th and he’s sitting in his grandma’s old kitchen, the wind blowing through the cracks of her window and the sweets on the table have already melted from the heat being too high, because his aunt is always cold and they can’t compromise. That sounds fine, even usual, Felix would say, however, the fire lights up a few moments later when his head starts to hurt from all the talking and he begins to dissociate a little too much, meaning that his grandma now has to shift her attention from all of his other relatives to him, because how dare he stay quiet on a family gathering where he has nothing to add to the conversation, right?

It starts off as usual, the answers to these questions digged deep into Felix’s brain since the first year of college. He doesn’t even bat an eye when he answers the questions directed at his studies and grades, telling all of his interested relatives that he’s working hard and it’s paying off. Nobody complains or disagrees-- his grades are awesome. His degree is here soon. Felix almost thinks he’s over with when his grandma laughs at a poor joke that comes out of his mouth, but that was only a bad prediction as he moves on to questions about his love life, which are, believe me or not, much more boring and much more ego-hurting for the blonde.

“Do you have a girlfriend yet, Felix?” she asks, tone of voice sounding rather interested, but don’t believe her-- it’s only an act. She’s ready to laugh into his face when he gives her the answer she’s hoping for.

“No, not yet, grandma,” he mumbles, averting his eyes from her wrinkley face as soon as possible. He really doesn’t need to look at her any longer to know she’s silently judging him on the inside, because that’s just how his grandmother is. 

“That’s such a shame… I wonder why… You’re such a pretty young boy, aren’t you?” she mutters under her nose, tone almost whiney, “what about your roommate? Jisung, was it?”

Felix takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes for a second to calm his rising heart beat. He could have predicted questions like this coming, because the conversation always somehow diverted to his roommate even when he was at home with his family. It’s crazy, how everyone just seems to adore Jisung much more than their own family member. 

“He’s.. Yeah. He’s always with someone, you know him. Not now, though, now he’s single,” Felix nods, explaining.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll find someone soon,” she admits, “he’s such a gentleman. And so handsome as well, isn’t he?” she asks, his aunt from her right side nodding quickly at the mention of Han Jisung. 

“He always has so many people around him, he’s so charming. If only you were more like him, maybe then someone would date you as well,” his grandma says calmly, not even noticing the way her words cut deeper and deeper into Felix’s heart, kicking him and punching him like a boxing bag, “you should try to be more like him.”

Felix bites down on his lower lip, rolling his eyes. Frustration coats his voice once he speaks up, the built-up anger living inside of him like an animal kept well in its cage. He doesn’t want to let it out, because he fears what it might do once it’s free, but he still retorts to a dig addressed to his grandma, huffing in annoyance. “Should I send Jisung home instead of me next time?”

“Oh no, Felix, what are you even saying right now?” his grandma looks rather offended, eyes twice their usual size as she glares at him.

“Well, since you like him so much.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was just saying that-”

“Leave it.” Felix says. 

The atmosphere is too heavy now, all eyes on him as if he was in a circus, watching him just moments before his breaking. He realises he no longer feels welcome in this place and maybe he never did, he just chose to ignore it by now, because that’s what he always does when a problem appears-- he chooses ignorance. Ignorance is Felix’s best friend, and although it may sound like he’s running away from his problems all the time, it’s always worked so far. He’s just protecting his heart, building walls around it. 

He doesn’t want to fight. He hates conflict. So, even though he’d like to snap, even though he’d like to leash out like an animal, he doesn’t. He steps back-- as he always does, taking the car keys from the table and escaping the house, hearing the calls of his mother after him. He doesn’t bother to say goodbye, he doesn’t even bother to look back nor take the Christmas gifts his grandma brought for everyone. 

He sits into the small white Renault he drives once a year when he comes back home, starts the engine and speeds up to the limit, driving away from all of his problems. He doesn’t want to hear their complaints, he doesn’t want to listen. It’s the best this way. He wants to ignore the words that came out of his grandma’s mouth, but he can’t find it in him as he hears them resonate in his head over and over again. 

He’s the second choice even in his own family. He’s a joke to everyone, isn’t he? Just the side character, the one that never gets the spotlight. It hurts, it hurts him so much, but he pays no attention to his blurry vision, because even though he’s fairly sure no one from his family would miss him, he doesn’t want to drive off the road and kill himself with his escape.

He parks the car in front of his and Jisung’s flat after a few hours. He’s fairly good at it, considering he never drives, and mentally puts up a middle finger to his dad in his head for screaming at him so much. He was in a much calmer headspace when he was driving with his dad than he was now, yet, he didn’t manage to drive anyone over. 

Putting his feet into the cold, empty apartment, turning the heating on and plopping down on the sofa, he once again realises how lonely it feels. Not only because of the feeling of abandonment the dark flat resonates, but also due to the fact that it truly feels like now, he’s all alone in this world. The silence screams louder than any words ever could, his ears lowly ringing without any sound in the small room, which makes him wonder if he’s truly the only one that has to spend his holidays pretty much alone. Maybe it’s his fault that he’s fucked it up with his family, who knows-- but that’s a topic for another overthinking session of his, when he decides to let it go once his eyes meet the snow silently falling down behind the window. 

The dark mixed with the white balls of fluff in the air remind him of you. Your bubbly laugh, the feeling of your skin on his when you held his hands and danced around with him in the snow. He feels a smile growing on his face, despite everything he’s heard today, his fingers involuntarily texting you to see if you’re doing anything and if you can hang out with him today. 

He meets you at the door a few minutes later, your nose runny from the cold and hands dry, smiling at you with a sense he can only describe as belonging, because he realises, maybe you feel just as lonely as him on holidays and suddenly, he no longer feels sorry for leaving.

“Why are you even here, Lix? Shouldn’t you be at home?” you ask him when you’re taking off your shoes and hanging your coat on the hanger by the door. He bites down on his lower lip to suppress a bitter chuckle. 

“Christmas got cancelled this year.” he shrugs. 

It’s not like he doesn’t trust you. You know better than anyone what his struggles are-- he asked you to keep his secrets numerous times. It’s just that now that you’re here, it’s like his soul finally feels calm and he no longer wants to whine about his grandma or his aunts anymore. It’s just you and him and the empty apartment. If he was anyone else, maybe he’d try to get into your pants. He’s just Lee Felix though, and he’s absolutely, wholeheartedly in love with you, he realises, and believe me, it kind of takes him over the edge, and so he doesn’t try anything. 

And you look at him in understatement, no other questions asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s all a capitalistic holiday anyway,” he shrugs.

You follow him into the living room and he throws the remote control into your lap, telling you to choose a movie before he comes back with popcorn. 

“If you don’t pick anything before I’m done, we’ll just watch Venom, I don’t care,” he says, seeing you adorably scrunch up your nose at him in response. 

When he comes back and you’re waiting for him with Howl’s moving castle paused on Netflix, he can’t help but grin at you. He places the popcorn on the coffee table and notices himself staring onto your body next to his far more often than the TV and wonders if he really drove away from all of his problems or if he just drove away from one problem to another, because now, it’s getting really hard to focus on staying away from you. 

And when you shiver and curl up into his side, placing your head onto his shoulder, he can’t help but jolt at the contact, staring at you in surprise. 

“It’s cold,” you mumble, pouting.

Felix smiles. He rolls his eyes at you, even though on the inside, he finds you absolutely adorable, taking a blanket from the side of the sofa and putting it over your cold bodies, tucking you both in. You feel warm against his side, your hand resting on his chest. He wonders if you can feel his quickening heartbeat, his stiff body and the nerves rising in his heart. Everything else disappears, the fight back home long forgotten and Han Jisung left somewhere home with his own family, the weight of your body overwhelming him when you fall asleep and that’s when he stops and thinks,

isn’t this how home’s supposed to feel like?

The halls of the university building are empty as Felix stands right in front of the closed door, silently pacing around the corridors and bumping his knee up and down. He just got his final’s results and even though his soul was supposed to be at peace, he finds himself stressing over you, currently sitting in the room behind the closed door in front of him, getting your final’s results from biology back. The professor decided to split your class into two groups for the finals so you can, quote, ‘focus better when there’s less people around’ and even though you managed to cheat on your exams without any problems, he still wonders if you did well and if you passed. 

Once the voices behind the closed doors get louder and louder, he figures it’s near the end of your lecture and he can finally see you again and ask you how you did. 

The last time he talked to you without the stress of finals breathing onto your back was back on Christmas break-- more than a week ago. Ever since then, you two have been meeting in the middle of the night again, preparing for your upcoming tests. You didn’t really manage to talk a lot about anything else and even though Felix didn’t mind, he still missed your mindless rambles and weird jokes you used to crack when you weren’t stressing your mind off. 

The door opens and reveals people coming out, a few of them wearing a toothy grin on their faces as they glance on the paper in their hands, a few of them frowning as they pin their eyes to the ground. It’s not easy to differentiate the ones that passed and the ones who did not do that well and even though Felix feels sorry for them, he wonders why they just don’t cheat their way out of bad grades just how he does. It’s not that hard. It just takes a lot of practice. 

Once he finally sees your face, a big, toothy grin decorating your lips, a big stone falls off his heart, a weight lifts itself from his shoulders, because frankly, you wouldn’t look so happy if you failed, right? You’re not a total psychopath.

“How did you-” 

His words are cut off from his mouth, all air kicked out of his body once he feels you so close, the soft skin of your lips pressed up against his in a happy kiss. He’s startled, to say the least. His cheeks are reddening in the instance and he doesn’t even know if time stopped or if it’s just the rising anxiety and excitement in his chest, but he bites down the confusion and kisses you back finally, closing his eyes and bringing you close by your shoulders. The kiss is a little sloppy and messy, but he doesn’t mind-- all that’s occupying his mind right now is you, your sweet lips, your mouthy kiss, your excited hands creeping up around his neck, your bag that fell to the ground next to his feet, your exam paper marked with the big red A+ flying around the two of you when you let it fall from your grasp, your hair tickling his cheeks, you, you, you.

There’s only you. In the air he breathes, in the ground he walks on, in his hands and on his mind. You’re everywhere. Intoxicating.

You pull away from him after a while, grinning at him. It still manages to startle him a little-- how just the small gesture can light up his whole world, how your smile can make him feel like he’s the luckiest person on this earth. He sees stars in your eyes and he wonders who put them there, hoping to be the one, believing he could finally be the one, with how you look at him and hold him in your arms-

but it’s Felix’s life we’re talking about. There’s only you, you, you and maybe somewhere, far away in the distance, there could even be him, but who’s always there for sure is Han Jisung.

Han Jisung staring at the two of you from the open door, mouth agape in shock. Han Jisung with trembling hands, Han Jisung with his books clutched close to his chest as Felix’s heart drops and reality finally hits him. You were never supposed to be his to kiss. You were supposed to be Jisung’s-- his roommate’s, his best friend’s -- you fell for him long, long ago and that’s how it’s always been. 

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, to comfort his dear friend that looks like he’s heart’s being broken, but he finds no words in him to console his actions. He feels bad, he feels so, so guilty when their eyes meet, but he doesn’t manage to say anything before Jisung turns around the corner and leaves. 

The sound of Jisung’s quick steps is the only thing resonating in Felix’s mind like a bell, a signal for him that he fucked up, he did a really, really bad thing. 

His insides clutch and eyes water in the empty college corridor when he wonders,

is this how it feels to break someone’s heart?

You kick the small rocks beneath your feet, gazing into the distance. The cold in your bones makes you shudder, your eyes trailing around the neighbourhood so foreign to you, putting your hands into your pockets so you shelter your fingers from the frozen air. You think how this place looks exactly as you imagined it to-- tall apartment complex and a single big tree in front of it, the cars parked in the driveway obviously having their spot as the neighbours have lived together for a long time to know not to park anywhere else, because it’s more efficient this way. 

You’re waiting and waiting, hoping to see the one you’re waiting for soon, because you doubt your confidence will last you for any longer if you don’t talk to him now. You could lie and tell yourself it’s okay and that you’re not nervous at all, but after Jisung ran away the other day and his roommate followed him a few moments later, you feel nervousness creeping into your skin after not seeing or hearing from Felix for three days now. 

You remember him telling you that he likes to go for late-night convenience store runs every evening to get his favorite snacks. It wasn’t hard to find out where he lives-- it’s the 21st century, for god’s sake. You asked a friend of his friend and here you are, waiting  for him to appear in the door of his apartment complex, ready to talk to him about the events of this week.

Once you hear the door opening, you feel your head snap to its direction quicker than the speed of light, knees almost getting weak at the sight of Lee Felix standing there, confusion written all over his face once his eyes meet with yours. The frown forming on his face only deepens your stress as you wonder if he didn’t want to see you today, which, considering the fact that he’s been ignoring you for the past few days, might just be the case, but it still makes your heart break just a little when you hear him sigh once he makes his way over to you, the sound of his sneakers on the ground being the only thing heard in the middle of the night.

All the snow has melted-- as if all the bright things have left just in time with it, leaving you sad and cold, the clouds of your breath hitting the cold air being the only thing reminding you of the weather as you feel your body heating up in his presence. 

“Can we talk?” you ask, voice steadier than you expected it to be.

“I- I mean,” he starts, a shaky and husky voice hitting your ears, signaling that he probably hadn’t spoken to anyone for a long time now, “you’re already here, so I guess…”

You nod at him, averting your gaze quickly to the ground, when you realise you suddenly don’t know what to say. You try to search for words, yet none come out of your mouth. Your mind is blank and it seems like his presence took away all your vocabulary, but deep on the inside, you know damn well that if you don’t speak up now, you won’t have a second chance and you really have to get it now.

“Why- why…” you mutter, “why did you leave without saying anything the other day?” you ask.

The silence is overwhelming as you start to hate the sound of your own breath, opting to hold it for a few seconds as you await his response. 

“I mean, isn’t it obvious?” 

You shake your head in confusion, finally meeting his eyes again. “No.”

“Jisung… Jisung saw us. I didn’t feel like it was right,” he explains, cracking his knuckles in a nervous habit you noticed in him a long, long time ago when he first tried to teach you how to cheat in class without getting caught.

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“You two like each other.” he says bluntly, taking you off-guard.

The moment these words come out of his mouth, you realise not one, but two things. One of them is fairly new to you, the fact that Han Jisung liked you back was something you never knew you could experience, but even though you should be flattered, you realise it no longer holds a meaning in your heart. The second thing is connected to the first-- and that is, Lee Felix doesn’t know that you like him now. His foolish, silly mind convinced him you were still in love with his best friend, his confused and frustrated brain didn’t let him realise that for a long, long time now, the freckled boy in front of you has been the only one you thought about when you were falling asleep at night.

You don’t even know when it happened. You guess it just did. You wondered how it’d feel to know what exactly made you fall for Felix, what that moment was, but something inside of you is telling you that maybe, it was even more wonderful this way. Unexpected, but totally reasonable.

“Why would I be kissing you if I still liked Jisung?” you ask, the fear of directly confessing to him and getting rejected creeping up in your shadow.

“I- I don’t know-”

“Exactly.” you cut him off before he rambles and manages to find a stupid, silly reason in his head to justify his wrong expectations. You know how he is-- if he overthinks things hard enough, he’ll surely find an answer. There’s none, though, so you don’t dare to give him time to think about it and ponder on the thought for any longer.

“But that doesn’t matter now anyway,” he shrugs, putting his hands into his pockets.

You wonder what’s going on inside of his head right now. You wonder if he regrets what he’s done-- if he wants to turn back time and never let you kiss him. The nerves make you bite down harshly on your bottom lip and you only catch yourself when you feel iron in your mouth, quickly licking your own wound on the surface of your mouth and take a deep breath in. 

“Why?” you ask. 

“Why would it?” he says, eyes boring into yours.

“Because… I thought it meant something to you? I mean, it meant a lot to me, at least. That’s why I’m even here in the first place,” you chuckle airly, feeling your throat get dry.

“I’m not saying that it didn’t, I just think it had no point.”

His words feel like knives thrown into your chest, like a fire burning the pit of your stomach. You feel your legs getting weaker at his arguments, your fingers harshly tugging at the skin of your cuticles hidden in your pockets. You don’t trust your voice to sound steady this time when you speak, but you don’t care. Maybe it’s time to show your real emotions. Maybe it will change Felix’s mind.

“And why is that?”

“Because people like you don’t date people like me. You’re supposed to be in love with Jisung. You’re supposed to be dating him, he’s supposed to date you. You’re too good for me anyway.” he shrugs.

“Is this all about Jisung?” you ask, eyebrows furrowed.

You watch Felix sharply inhale in and out, averting his eyes from your figure. The distance between the two of you is unnatural, as if to singal how the two of you are slowly drifting apart. You see him fold his hands on his chest, preparing for what he’s about to say.

“It hurt him, back then. And I hate that. He loves you and I just.. I can’t do that to him, when I know  how much he cares about you.” he says.

Love is a strange thing. You hear Felix say how much Jisung loves you, but is that really true? Does Han Jisung even know you? The real you?

Does Jisung know how you look with your mouth full of fries and a greasy forehead? Does he know how you look when you’re stressed out of your mind because of finals? Does he know your favorite bistro, does he know your favorite movie? Did you cuddle up with Jisung on the couch just because you wanted to be close to him, comfort him and tell him you’re there just a few days after Christmas? 

Or does he just know the self you put up in front of him when you went to meet him? The put-together you that cares even about the sound of your own laugh, not wanting it to sound ugly in his ears? 

Han Jisung can’t love you. He doesn’t even know you.

And you never loved him-- just for the same reason. The feelings you had for him were merely a feeling of attraction, so far away from love.

But now you know how you feel about Felix, how his smile lights up the world and how his presence makes you feel understood. How even the silence with him speaks louder than a million words, how he knows you like the back of his hand and how he treats you like his closest friend. You know that what you feel when you’re with him is stronger than anything you ever have and although it used to scare you for a moment, now you’re ready to embrace it and live with it, if he lets you.

Lee Felix doesn’t tell you he loves you. Maybe you can see it in his eyes.

Why does he have to put everything above love? Why does he care about Jisung more than you? It’s breaking your heart. 

“Felix… I’m sure he’d understand. He’s a good person. I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.”

“Y/N, you don’t understand-”

“He’s a grown adult!” you yell out, the built-up emotions coming to the surface in the form of frustration, your words sunding spiteful and angry. Maybe you are furious, maybe you are full of fire right now, but it’s all because of the boy in front of you and the things he refuses to let himself enjoy.

“Why do you even care about it so much, huh? I was your fucking second choice all along anyway!” 

You look at him in shock, your eyes watering at the sight of the frown sitting on his face. Something inside of you breaks and you think it’s safe to say it was your heart, choking you up as you shake your head in disapproval. 

“Felix-” you protest, but there’s no use.

You see him turn around on his heel, opening the door to the apartment complex and leaving. It feels like you’re losing him, it feels like he’s gone forever. He turned his back on you, refusing all the love you were willing to give him, all the love you were offering to him right here, your heart in your hands.

He gave up on your love.

People in movies go out to party after a break-up to get drunk and numb their feelings. They either go to the club or go to a stupid college party, which is, coincidentally, your case today, but you’re not here to get drunk tonight. You’re not here to drown out your feelings and numb your pained soul-- you’re simply here to try to have some fun.

Your mum told you long, long ago that happiness is a choice. You could argue with her and tell her that depression and heartbreak aren’t a choice and that they, by themselves, are causing people the most sadness, but you had to give your mum a point. If you don’t choose to try, if you don’t do anything to at least try to stimulate your own brain, you can’t expect happiness to find you by itself. That’s just, sadly, not how life works, and you weren’t going to drown out in your own tears just because of Lee fucking Felix, because if you weren’t worth trying for him, he’s not worth any of your tears.

You appear on Lee Haechan’s end of the semester party. You have A+ finals to celebrate and although you would be much happier to drink to them with the one that basically helped you get through the semester, you won’t pass the chance to socialize. You worked hard and you did a good job-- you deserve a party. Alcohol truly isn’t the best for your brain, but you will just decide to call it selfcare. It’s not like you’re getting blacked-out drunk tonight anyway.

You manage to have small talk with a few people from your class. Though it’s not exactly what’s stimulating your brain, you don’t mind it. You barely know these people and you couldn’t care less, but you guess this is the downside of socialising. 

The alcohol in your veins doesn’t give you a chance to loosen up, though. You only feel your body warmer with the beer hitting your system, but your feelings still taste of salt, your brain not cooperating with your grandiose happiness plan and you think the people talking to you notice, since no one really tries to keep you in a conversation long enough when you start to absently nod at them and pay zero attention to what they’re saying. You don’t blame them, though. You’d probably do the same in their place.

Your feet move their way to the front door when you decide that maybe your mum wasn’t right, completely ready to go home and pity yourself for a few more days before coming back to life, when a familiar voice calls you from behind, making you freeze in your spot.

“Y/N, long time no see.”

Han Jisung watches you with glossy eyes, yet he tries to look nonchalant at the sight of you. It doesn’t feel like his heart is breaking when he sees you right here and there, chewing on your bottom lip, more or less, it feels numbing to his heart and his head. It’s like he expected it all from the start-- the outcome that once so surprised him. But after all this time he spent overthinking and dwelling on the memory of seeing you kissing his best friend, it made sense to him. 

“Jisung…”

He can see your eyes growing worried when you watch over him and he mentally slaps himself for not handling his emotions with more care back then. He could have spared you a lot of pain and trouble if he hadn’t reacted in such a way in the doorway of your classroom, but the truth is, Han Jisung hadn’t really known just how much a true heartbreak feels and nothing could ever prepare him for the physical pain numbing his chest. He didn’t know it could hurt so much. 

He doesn’t want to worry you. You are still his friend, after all, right? That’s all you always have been and he should have understood it from the first moment he saw you gaze at his friend so lovingly in the university halls one day. He thinks you, yourself, didn’t even recognise the emotion in you when you watched over Felix with so much care, with so many stars in his eyes and a big grin on your face. He could never compare himself to Felix.

He doesn’t want to worry you anymore, and so he decides to talk to you like a friend would. You looked like you could use a friend tonight.

“How have you been?” he asks, smiling at you. He hopes his eyes convey the emotion he feels-- how after all this time, he still feels comfortable with you and desperately needs you to do the same. He can’t lose another friend. Not to love. 

That happens every single time. Truth be told, Jisung used to have a problem with differentiating true love from platonic feelings sometimes. He used to think he falls out of love just as quickly as he falls in, but the truth is that it was never even love at all. Sometimes, it was just pure admiration. Feelings for a friend. And he managed to ruin all his friendships just because he started dating them. 

And then, he just kept searching and searching for the right one, because no one ever felt right. No one ever made him feel loved, no one ever made him feel love. It felt suffocating, but so, so addicting. He could never give up on trying to find love.

And then he met you. And it finally made sense-- it finally felt right.

“I’m… I’m fine, thanks,” you say, smiling at him with that smile that still, admittedly, made his heart race and swell with love. He’s not afraid to call the emotion by its name. It doesn’t feel wrong. He used to think he wants it to stop, but the truth is, it still feels nice. 

Love feels like loneliness sometimes. It’s a bittersweet feeling. But it’s still so, so addicting.

“Are you sure?” he asks. He knows you. He knows when something’s wrong.

He also knows your eyes have been searching for his roommate for the past few minutes of your conversation. He knows you want to meet him and avoid him all at once, love him and leave him-- it was a paradox. 

He knows his roommate way too well, though. He knows he can’t fall out of love with you. He knows, though, that he’ll never act upon it. Lee Felix has always been the sweetest person in this whole entire world-- putting the needs of others before his own. He can’t keep doing this to himself.He can’t keep doing this to you.

“I think you know the answer, Jisung. Why do you keep asking, then?” you bitterly snicker, going around him and escaping the noisy house. Jisung doesn’t know if you want to leave, if you want to escape his presence, but he can’t leave you just like that, and so he follows you outside, seeing you sitting at the doorstep, as if you were waiting for him.

“You don’t have to think of me, you know that, right?” he says once he takes a seat next to you, watching your expression change into a pained one. 

“It’s… I don’t know. It’s complicated. And Felix- he doesn’t think it’s right. I can’t force him into anything. It was his choice anyway,” you mutter. Jisung sighs heavily, the feeling your words on his chest heavy and solemn. He hates the fact that he is standing in the way of your happiness. He hates the fact that he is the problem, the invisible wall keeping you two from each other. 

“It’s simple, though.” he shrugs.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, a heavy sigh escaping your lips. He takes it upon himself to explain before you begin to tell him that it’s not, opting to open your eyes on his own.

“You two are in love with each other. So you should be together. Isn’t that simple?” he asks, smiling at you subtly.

You scoff and shake your head. “He gave up on us.”

“Did he, or did he just do what he felt was right?” Jisung argues. “You can’t keep hiding from each other. You can’t keep trying to ignore your feelings just because I like you. That’s not fair for either of you.”

You don’t argue with him this time. He wonders what’s going on inside of your head at the moment, with your eyebrows furrowed and your bottom lip trapped in your teeth. You look just like all the times he watched you during your tutoring sessions-- focused and lost in thought. It will feel weird to not see you in that way anymore, but he has to try.

The same way Lee Felix always tried for him.

“You’re too sweet, Han Jisung. What a shame our timing’s off.” you say, bitterness coating your voice. He looks up at you again, wondering what your words mean. “I used to like you back then, you know,” you smile.

Here it is, the strange emotion again. The emotion of almost physical pain, a hand squeezing his heart, a knife stabbed into his back. It feels like his world is crumbling down on him, because he’s stupid-- so stupid. He could have had you back then. He could have been with you all this time, only if he wasn’t late. He missed his biggest chance, the biggest opportunity, the happiest time of his life. All because he was too hesitant. 

He didn’t deserve you anyway.

“But now your timing’s right with Felix. Don’t waste that,” he says, biting through the pain.

Because the truth is, if anyone deserved love, it was his roommate. The one that refused you for him, the one that rejected you for him, the one that set him up on a date with you even though you invited him in the first place. The one who gave up on his love only so he wouldn’t hurt his friend. You could say that Jisung was too good for this world, but Lee Felix is the one that deserves the whole entire world, in his eyes.

Maybe these two were just too good of friends. Caring about the other one twice as much as about themselves. And that’s exactly why Jisung will get over this-- he’ll push you to his friend. So he could be happy, finally. 

“Jisung, I don’t know-”

“Do it,” he cuts you off, “reach out to him again. Try it. For me.”

y/n: meet me at the 8Bistro at 9 

Felix can’t believe himself when he finds his legs moving to the direction of the bistro at the edge of the town. He knows it’s the last one on your list, the one you invited him to so you could celebrate your finals in and he finds himself wondering if he could have gone here with you earlier only if the two of you didn’t share that kiss back then.

That damned kiss he couldn’t stop thinking about for the last few days-- even weeks, every time he opened his eyes in the morning and closed them when he was about to sleep. It kept following him like a curse, a thing he couldn’t escape, as if it was testing him like the snake tested Eve in paradise. Foreign fruit. 

You’re sitting there already when he arrives, fingers playing with each other as you gaze at the door in expectation. He sees your usual order already on the table, assuming you got here early, but it’s untouched as your knee bumps up and down under the table and you bite down harshly on your bottom lip.

He takes a seat, allowing himself to look at you again after such a long time. It feels like it’s been ages, yet you still look the same to him-- the same beauty that hit him when he first met you and shared his biggest secret with you.

“Why aren’t you eating? You have to finish off your list,” he mumbles awkwardly, motioning to the food at the table.

“I wanted to wait for you.” you say. Your voice is quiet, almost shy, when you speak to him. He wonders just how much he fucked up that it made you act this way. He knows it’s probably a lot, but considering he’s sitting here right now, he can still fix it.

At least he hopes so. 

“Did you.. Do you want to talk to me about something?” he asks, nervosity filling his veins as he feels his hands form a little swimming pool with just how much he’s sweating.

“Yes,” you nod, taking a deep breath in and out. He wonders if you’re just as nervous as he is. The answer is probably yes, considering your tense shoulders and restless legs, but he doesn’t comment on it as he watches you begin speaking again. “I wanted to tell you that I’m- I’m in love with you. And that it’s for real, and it’s for you and no one else,” you start, quickly wetting your lips and continuing again, “and I know you must feel like a second choice, or like you weren’t important to me at all, but that’s not true.”

“You helped me so much, really, but the more I hung out with you, the more I realised just how wonderful you are. And how your heart is so big, how you’re fun to be around…” you ramble, taking Felix by surprise with your heart-felt monologue, “and that Jisung is not the one for me, because, well, it was just.. it was just a crush. I didn’t know him. He didn’t even know me that well. Crushes… they don’t mean anything. They’re silly. But what I have with you, Felix…” you say, drifting your eyes away from him for a second,

“I know you. The real you. And you know me. You’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve seen me struggle and you know exactly how to help. You know me and I know you and the feelings I have for you are much more than a silly crush. I love you, Felix. And I don’t want to just forget about us.” you complete and Felix swears he can feel his eyes watering at your words. He chooses not to speak up, afraid of his voice breaking, afraid he’s going to embarrass himself in front of you. His emotions got the best of him and right here and now, no one else matters. 

It’s you. You that feels like home, you, the only girl he’s ever loved. You, the only girl that ever loved him back, you, who he foolishly rejected. 

You’re everywhere. In his veins, in his heart, in his foolish, stupid mind.

“Felix… I don’t want you to give up on us.” 

He looks up, seeing your sincere eyes and a look full of worry. You seem so wonderful to him, even now. You’re everything he’s ever dreamt of, a home without a roof and walls. With you, he feels at ease. He trusts you. He’s never felt this way for anyone before.

He watches you and he hears your laugh, he hears your whines when he used to tease you so much. He hears the sound of your memories when he chased you around in the snow. He hears the opening song of Howl’s moving castle, reminding him of the warmth he felt when you hugged him so close that evening.

He used to want to hate you. He should have known that could never be the case.

You’re all he needs-- all he wants. You’re everywhere he looks, in every beauty of the world and in everything that’s dear to him. 

You, you, you, you.

And so he decides-- it’s time to change his plan.

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 1) hold her hand, 2) get rid of the guilt, 3) lean in and kiss her.

“Does that mean you’re giving us a chance?” you ask, hopeful eyes glaring at him with millions of stars in them, sparkles swimming around in perfection.

“We’ll talk after you eat. You have a yelp review to write,” he laughs.

“Feli-”

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 4) shut her up by forcing french fries into her mouth.

“I love you too.”

[bubblegumbeech]

Keep your Memory Close

Part 17 of my Exploring the Zone series

Read Here on Ao3

 His Ma’s farm was wonderful, the ground easy to till, the chores relatively easy to keep up with. She had so much water it felt like a dream, and the sun even set on its own. He didn’t need to calculate a time to cover the fields to protect them from over exposure.

 With Danny and Jazz both back in Amity Park, it was especially nice. Because he didn’t feel like he had to defend himself. He still missed his dad but Ma had told him about what happened. How his dad wanted to move on, restart their lives. How his Ma couldn’t, only to realize she was happier on her own anyways.

 Flynn wondered if maybe he would have ended up the same way even if he hadn’t fallen through that portal. If his parents would have still divorced and Flynn still felt the need to build his own life from the ground up.

 Plenty of his siblings didn’t live in isolation like him. Some had other friends, or lived on the move, or even just hung out at their own lairs between lessons.

 He pulled a weed, and it came up easily. It didn’t scream, or fight, or try to bite back at him.

 It was nice…

 It made him miss home.

 It made him miss Dokkaebi and Rabbit Guise. And all his other siblings.

 He wiped the sweat off his brow. Would it be better to stay? To leave his siblings behind? Or would that be the same as giving up? He’d made a promise, over a decade ago now, that he would never give up.

 Standing straight, Flynn looked over his Ma’s field as memories he’d never buried stole him away from the moment.

 Flynn was scared. He’d been scared non-stop for about a year now. Or however long he’d been trapped in the Infinite Realms, away from his real family. Surrounded by his so-called siblings. With their teeth, and flying, and weird powers and weirder shapes.

 He’d mostly been taken under the wing of a large were-wolf looking ghost named Fido.

 Fido was terrifying to look at–half skeletal and half feral looking wolf– and the first time they’d met, Flynn had attacked him with a big stick, desperately trying to protect himself as Mother laughed.

 She’d taken the stick from him, gently, then explained that this was his big brother now, and that he'd help guide him in Flynn’s lesson that time. Because Flynn was young, and weak.

 And he needed to get stronger.

 The lesson that time was hard for both of them. Flynn had to learn how lessons worked, the bare minimum to survive them. Fido had to learn how to get a human through the Eternal Hike alive. Fido had a much,      much    , harder time than Flynn.

 Of course, his next lesson was alone. Mother couldn't risk letting him develop dependence. That would leave him      weak    . So she’d thrown him into the Garden Web. He’d discovered the blood blossoms there–a weak enough strand that it barely did anything to stronger ghosts, but it was      something     he could use to his advantage.

 Misery had been very proud of that.

 Fido too. Helped him choose a good place to try and start a garden. (Not that they succeeded. Gardening is hard even in a mortal realm. In the Realms it was almost impossible. Flynn had started taking voluntary trips to the Garden Web after that.)

 He missed Fido. Despite his appearance, he was warm, welcoming and easy to get along with. Fido used to pat him on the head whenever he felt scared or alone or homesick and remind him that wolves were pack creatures.

 The last time he’d seen Fido… Had been in the Mirrorage Maze.

 They’d made it to the end. Surrounded by doppelgangers so twisted and morphed they were unrecognizable, not that either of them would recognize people who had been lost to the maze.

 Fido had been struggling for a long time. A lot of responsibility weighed him down, his obsession pack-focused but it was… weakening. The struggle was too much even as he tried to help and protect his siblings.

 The worst part… Was how little Flynn had expected it.

 Mother Misery had made it clear that she would not let her children End. She was protective, cruel, but protective. She kept an eye on them, and if she thought they were going to fail, or be put at any actual risk she would put a stop to the lesson, fix them up herself, and then start a new lesson.

 It wasn’t generally worth failing a lesson, just to be put right back into a new one, so naturally Flynn and the others would struggle and strive to survive each and every time. Their rest was      earned     after all.

 Flynn, Fido, and Rabbit Guise had made it to the end of the lesson. They were steps away from the exit. They were so      close    .

 Fido had grabbed the both of them in a hug, tight and warm and uncomfortable before Flynn noticed he wasn’t as solid as he should have been.

 “Fido? What is going on?” Flynn was still so young then, had no idea.

 Rabbit Guise had grabbed Fido's wrist. “You can’t,” he said, his voice breaking.

 “I’m sorry kiddos.” Fido’s tail wagged slowly. “I only had enough to get you through this maze I think.”

 “Enough what? Fido?” Flynn felt panic start to build in his chest, a knot of it tightening with every unspoken word or apologetic glance. “Do you need ectoplasm?”

 Fido had stopped him even as Flynn reached for the purified ectoplasm he’d started carrying with him. “I’m sorry Flynn. It’s not something like that.”

 “You can still make it,” Rabbit Guise hadn’t let go, but Fido was barely solid enough to hold onto. “You just need a      reason    .”

 “I don’t want one. You can both take care of yourselves now. That’s what mattered, in the end.”

 “I can’t,” Flynn found himself saying, “I can’t. I still need help, with the garden–”

 Fido chuckled and shook his head. “You got them to bloom last I saw.”

 Tears filled Flynn’s vision, leaking down his cheeks and into the freshly plucked blood blossoms around his neck. “But I need…”

 “Shhh,” Fido placed a single claw to Flynn’s lips. “You know better, than to say that where Mother can hear.”

 He did. He thought though, it would be worth an extra lesson, to keep his brother.

 “      Fido    ,” Mother stormed into the room, “      No no no, you’re stronger than this–    ”

 She gathered him into her arms and started weaving; her healing faded with him though, useless and empty. She started singing next, urging him to choose a new obsession, to keep existing. She even promised to help, promised respite. But nothing worked.

 Fido disappeared smiling.

 That was how Flynn discovered Mother Misery’s biggest fault.

 Yes, she could protect them from anything. Could teach them to be strong. But she couldn’t force them to hold on. Could keep them from Ending, but not from Fading.

 Misery Vex could not keep a ghost from moving on.

 “Flynn?” His Ma’s voice dragged him out of his memories, and warm, calloused hands that felt so solid, so human, brushed away his tears. “What’s wrong?”

 He shook his head. “I’m sorry Ma,” was all he could say.

 He made a promise back then, between him and Rabbit Guise, as they mourned their brother. They’d both promised to never give up, to keep fighting. For their siblings, for each other.

 That was why Flynn had to go back.

 Why he couldn’t let himself fall into the easy domesticity a mortal life provided. His siblings needed him. So did Mother.

 It was hard, almost impossible, to change a ghost’s self. But that was exactly what Misery Vex made her specialty, and Flynn was her child. He could find a way, somehow, to change it all. He had to.

 He’d promised.

[helliontherapscallion]

Memory Lane is a Desolate Place (The Ashes of Yourself Part 4)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: generational trauma, abandonment, neglect, mentions of the following: death, war, plague, famine, genocide

Word count: 2,536

(A/N): Wowza, a Philza-centric chapter! Ik this is a lot shorter than what I usually write for this series, but I’m just trying to ease myself back into this story. I have a lot planned for this, so stay tuned : )

Philza walked through the tundra towards his old household. For the past few weeks, he had slowly been cleaning up the outside area and the interior for the upcoming family reunion. The house, due to nobody living in it, had slowly become overgrown with various weeds and wildlife. He had previously been looking forward to the reunion, ecstatic to see his entire family in one place again, but now he wasn’t so certain that his previous excitement was still there.

Over his many centuries of life on this world, he had seen some truly disturbing things; including genocides that left many children without families, wars that ended in mutually assured destruction, famine that reduced many to skin and bones, great nations once prosperous and grand becoming mere ashes beneath his feet in the matter of days, and plague that ravaged entire populations. 

He had learned to ignore them as they passed, as they never affected him. Hardship was always present; time was akin to an arrow slicing through the air at mach speed, never stopping for anybody. To him, it was better to ignore than to be roped into something you couldn’t fix even if you tried. Those memories were shoved into the deepest, darkest corners of his mind only resurfacing against his will in the form of horrific, detailed nightmares. 

However, those memories were different. Those were never personal. 

The entire time he was walking, the sight of his youngest child’s charred body sinking into the deepest depths of the ocean plagued his mind. The memory was rooted into his mind, being seen in every waking second against his will. His feet led him inside on their own, his mind blank and his body feeling numb; it felt like he was dreaming with how much his subconscious was taking over. 

By the time he fully came to his senses, he was standing in front of (y/n)’s closed door. Just like his children’s other doors, their door was labeled with ‘(y/n)’ written in a child’s sloppy handwriting and splotched with random colors of paint. He could remember sitting with them when he first brought them home and telling them to choose their room and holding them up so that they could reach the door. 

“Alright, you get to choose your own room!” 

The young blaze hybrid paused for a moment in concentration, trying to decipher what he had told them. They hadn’t spoken much English at the time, blaze being the only language they could speak. Luckily, Philza had experience with children not knowing much English; Technoblade had been the same way. After some simpler phrases and a small game of charades, they finally understood what he was telling them. Their eyes lit up and they bounced on the balls of their feet excitedly, making him chuckle. 

In an instant, they zoomed down the hallway looking at the decorated doors as they passed. The names on the doors were indecipherable to them, merely chicken scratch compared to the calligraphy that they were used to seeing etched into nether brick. Not that they could read that either, the language was far too complex for a seven year old to understand. 

Finally, after Philza caught up to them and showed them the rooms that were open, they had chosen an empty room without a second thought.

“Good choice, kiddo,” Philza beamed, his hand going to ruffle their hair. He hesitated, feeling the unnatural heat resonating from their flaming head before slowly coming to a rest on top of their head. Surprisingly, the flames merely tickled his hand as they flickered about. The heat was pleasantly comfortable, warming up his cold hand in an instant. A strange, weak magical energy made his entire arm tingle almost to an uncomfortable amount. It felt as if he had just touched something packed with static electricity. 

They looked up at him with innocent eyes, silently pointing to another door in question. Philza followed their finger and saw that the door belonged to Wilbur, his name being painted in slightly messy spaced out lettering with small music notes surrounding it. Philza’s eyes furrowed before he came to the realization that they wanted to paint their door as well. 

His mouth formed an ‘o’ shape before he leaned down to grab their hand and lead them to the kitchen where he had written out the name ‘(y/n)’. It was the name that was shakily etched onto a slightly burnt paper and given to him by the kid themselves when he was walking through a nether fortress earlier that day. Strangely, they were the only inhabitant of the fortress, not even a wither skeleton roamed the twisting halls. The anonymous note, albeit a little difficult to understand (as if the writer themselves hardly spoke any English), begged whomever came across the child to take them in. So Philza, being the type to never leave a child in need, took them in. 

He sat next to them at the table and handed them a pencil. On his own piece of paper, he wrote out his own name, said it aloud, and pointed to himself multiple times. The child understood and shakily wrote out their name slowly, mimicking what Philza had written on their paper. This slightly shocked the winged man, he wasn’t expecting them to catch on this quickly. Not even Technoblade had caught on that quickly. 

“You’re… a really fast learner, kiddo.” He breathed out with a proud smile on his face. The child, not understanding exactly what he had said, saw his smile and matched it with their own bright one, their face lighting up in a brilliant orange. He felt his heart melt at the sight. 

He gathered some paint and paint brushes and led them back up to their chosen room. (Y/n) trailed after him closely, almost bumping into him when he suddenly stopped in front of their room. He lifted them up with one hand and held the palette with the other. The small child in his arm grabbed a paint brush and looked up at him hesitantly. 

He gave them an encouraging smile and nodded at the door, telling them to write their name and demonstrating by stroking a clean brush against the door. They understood, gently swiping their brush against the wood with their tongue poked out of the corner of their mouth and their brows furrowed in deep concentration. Soon enough, their name was sprawled out in dripping, brightly colored paint. They looked up at Philza for approval, and upon seeing his large smile and warm eyes, they looked back at their creation with pride. Their eyes flicked between Wilbur’s door and theirs, something was missing. 

Their eyes lit up in realization before they suddenly stuck their hand into the paints on the palette. A startled gasp left Philza’s mouth as his grip tightened on both the child and the paints. Before he could stop them, they had smacked their paint covered hand onto the door underneath their name. Paint splattered everywhere, splashing onto their body and his arms and face. He felt them jolt in surprise and felt the slight vibration of a blaze-like grunt rumble their chest. 

Despite the mess that it left and the fact that he’d have to clean it up, small chuckles left him before he broke out into full blown laughter. This had been the hardest he had laughed in years, the feeling being almost foreign to him. (Y/n) joined him in his laughter, the sound of their joyed, high pitched giggles being music to his ears. 

The two spent the rest of the afternoon decorating the door with small splatters and handprints. By the time they had stopped, Philza had drying paint splotches on almost every part of his exposed skin, hair, and feathers and (y/n)’s small hands were layered with colors and paint was similarly splattered on their body. 

Philza pressed his hand against the much smaller handprint on the door and sighed at the memory, his face stretched into a small smile. They had been so innocent back then, their eyes full of hope and naivety, their face not having a single mark on it. 

His hand dropped and the smile was wiped clean from his face as he remembered why his clothes were wet and his skin reddened with the unforgiving temperature of the tundra. He shook his head from side to side and squeezed his eyes shut, trying and failing to block out the memory of (y/n) laying scorched on the sandy beach struggling to gasp for the oxygen they were deprived of. 

He opened his eyes and forced himself away from the door, instead walking towards the bathroom and running hot water to warm up his shivering body. 

The shower was usually a place where he could sort out his thoughts and fully relax, however he was tense the entire time and his thoughts stung him like he was haphazardly tossed into a nettle bush. Once clean and warmed up, he stepped out and put on a dry set of clothes. To get his mind off from things, he quickly busied himself with housework. 

That, however, did nothing to distract him from today’s events and the scalding argument that he and (y/n) had. Their words had initially angered him, had he not given them everything they needed to survive? Why couldn’t they understand that he had a constant craving for freedom and adventure that was impossible to ignore? 

A mix of emotions poked and prodded at his brain as he contemplated the end of their argument. Their angry voice echoed in his head:

“You don’t know jackshit about me.” 

His mind flashed back to the shock and panic he had felt when they nonchalantly stuck their hand into the crackling fire. He had forgotten that they could heal themselves with fire; hell, he had forgotten that they were basically fireproof. He quickly came to the realization that he couldn’t remember a lot of things about them. 

“Do you have any idea how much you were gone from my life when I needed you the most?”

He wasn’t stupid, he knew he had missed a lot of their life. Every time he had gotten back from a journey, something about each of his children had always changed and significant milestones had long since passed. He had missed a lot of each of their lives, there was a lot that he didn’t know about them. “I’ll be there next time,” he had wove off a peeved Wilbur when the boy had confronted him about missing Tommy’s second birthday with the family. It wasn’t like he was lying to the older boy, no he fully intended to be there for each and every single milestone his children experienced. However, something always came up and he missed each and every single one. It was easy to make promises, yet it was increasingly difficult to uphold them.

“Wilbur was the one that raised Tommy and I while you were so focused on Techno and your stupid fucking adventures.”

Oh, Wilbur. His only biological child. The boy that had looked at both Tommy and (y/n) with such awe when they first were adopted. The boy that would defend and protect his family with his life. The boy that had once idolized him. The boy that he had left alone with his two youngest. The boy that dreamt of his own nation ambitiously. The boy that begged to die at the hands of his own father. The boy that he had plunged his sword through. 

He had never thanked him or even recognized him for the hard work that came with raising two preteens on his own starting at the ripe age of sixteen. His stomach lurched at the memory of his son falling limp in his arms. 

Technoblade had been his first son. Adopted or not, he loved him as if he were his own. The second he had allowed the piglin hybrid into his lonely household, it was like the curtains had been ripped open and light immediately spilled into the darkness that had shrouded his heart and mind. Once he was old enough, he had made an excellent sparring and adventuring partner. 

He supposed that Technoblade had been placed on a pedestal, but in his opinion, he deserved all the praise he had been given. He had learned to ignore the multitude of voices that danced around his mind deafeningly. He had learned and became completely fluent in another language within the span of two years. 

Philza paused as he realized just what he was thinking. Maybe (y/n) was right, maybe he did focus a little too much on Technoblade while they were growing up. 

But on the other hand, Technoblade was a gifted child in the art of battle. 

However, his other children were important as well. 

His thoughts constantly contradict themselves and come full circle repeatedly, being swirled around and bouncing off the sides of his skull. Oh, he despised how much of a whirlpool his thoughts were. 

“You were a shitty father.” 

Was he a shitty father? His mind strained back hundreds of years to his own father and the last words he had left him with. The memories of his parents were incredibly fuzzy, he couldn’t even remember their faces or voices even if he tried with all his might. He could only remember specific details about them. His father was always absent and exploring the globe while his mother stayed at home raising him. 

He could remember how terrified he was when everyone around him aged and he stayed the same. His mother (bless her soul) had passed leaving him home alone distraught on what he should do and angry at the fact that his father wasn’t there. Months had passed since her funeral and Philza hadn’t even heard from him, filling the immortal with blinding rage. When his father had finally come home with the strong scent of sweat and body odor, he had finally let loose what had been brewing in his mind. 

“You’re a shitty fucking father and an even shittier husband,” he remembered saying, “she died and you weren’t fucking there.” 

It was after that he had left the old man and his childhood home behind in favor of exploring the world. He wanted to see what was so alluring that his father was compelled to miss a majority of his life. After a while of aimlessly wandering and uncovering many treasures, mysteries, and friendships, he had quickly become hooked. It had become a coping mechanism of sorts; a distraction from the death’s shadow following his friends but never him. 

He felt as if he plunged through ice and into the freezing inky abyss below as he came to a horrifying realization: he was the person that he hated the most, the person he swore he’d never become when he first laid eyes upon Technoblade. He was exactly like his father.

Memory lane is a desolate place that he’s neglected for good reason, and now it was overgrown with unpleasant memories that forced him to realize who he’s become.

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[creepypastaartist3]

~ Golden Wings~

Part 1

_Monday 12:45 A.M December 18, 2014_

Thunder crashes through the night sky as rain hit the side of a old brick house that was covered in old vines and overgrown weeds. Andrew woke up, frantically feeling a cold sweat run down his back. He tried calming down as his hands couldn't stop shaking. That dream, a recurring dream that came to him almost every night. The screams that were ear piercing with blood and the shadows of light.

Slowly, Andrew got out of bed and walked out of his room to the kitchen.Turning on the light, he walked over to the purifier and poured water in a little plastic cup. his family was always poor, but he didn't mind all that much as long as he was near the woods that was all that mattered. Throughout his life he's always taking a liking to the woods ever since he was little it was just so peaceful and calming. He loved watching the animals run by or the deer walking around in the backyard.

walking back upstairs, Andrew looked at the family pictures on the wall. All the lies and the untold truth that were behind every smile, it should've made Andrew so angry, but that was one thing he loved about himself is that he never could, nor bothered to he was so used to it at this point that it was just another numbing feeling he had.

walking into his room, he turned on the light, knowing he wasn't gonna be able to sleep that night. It was so quiet in the house all that you could hear was the rain hitting the side of the house sitting at his desk, and just stared at the laptop screen the black screen, reflecting his face, having him stare directly into his own darkened eyes. His black hair was messy, and his pale skin almost blending into the wall. Andrew slammed his computer closed, not able to stand the side of himself. His face was pale as snow and his were sunken in with heavy bags under his eyes. Andrew never really gotten much sleep because of the fact that his mom would either be drunk and be loud all night like a party girl or his insomnia or sleep paralysis making him stay up or be scared awake.

_ Tuesday 10:50 AM_

Walking to his next class, Andrew couldn't stand how loud the kids in his school were. Even though everyone was forced to look the same and dress the same with the stupid uniforms and dress coed there were still some people that thought they were better then everyone else even though all that people cared about was passing high school and getting the fuck out there were still the few that was just given everything and couldn't stand not having the spotlight on them even for a second. When Andrew got into his classroom he noticed his friend Eden with her head down on her desk. He walked over and sat down next to her wanting to see what was wrong. She was usually the upbeat extravert type why Andrew was and introvert. Before Andrew even had the chance to see what was wrong a Gatorade bottle the thrown at her hair causing it to spill all over her messing up her blond hair and standing her clothes red. Laughter could be heard behind Andrew and Eden and when he looked over he saw Olivia standing there with her boyfriend laughing. The pissed off Andrew But managed to hold his tongue and helped Eden up escorting her to the bathroom to help her clean up. Andrew was gay so the other girls didn't mind Andrew being in the girls bathroom all that much. Andrew grabbed some paper towels and started fixing Eden's hair, "why didn't you tell me Olivia was picking on you i could have dealt with her for you" Eden Hugged herself as she tried not to cry, "I didn't want you to worry you already have to deal with a lot at school and at home." She was right Andrew was practically a Father to his little sister and was having problems t school keeping up with his classes because of his dyslexia and ADD. "Let me worry about myself you don't need to be going through this alone I can help." Andrew Put Eden's hair up in a pony tail and fixed her black bow. "thanks Andy but really I can handle myself" Andrew rolled his eyes and looked at her with a bland expression. "what ever you say but you know i can kick some ass if you want me too"

[oviids]

pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.*  - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul.  slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes*  - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

[ceruleanchillin]

Honeymoon Headcanons: Mayans Edition

Characters: Angel, Coco, EZ x F!Reader

Miami (Angel)

It wasn’t difficult at all to decide where the two of you would take your honeymoon. When you weren’t gonna be naked, Angel wanted you in sundresses and bikinis. You wanted him in linen shirts, and to feel him up in a club. Couple that with you both wanting a tropical environment, and Miami it is.

Angel letting you handle the accommodations, because you seem to know more about what you wanna see/where you wanna go than he does. He only cares about a bed and shower for when he’s not taking you in the inappropriate places. He just hands over the cash, though he complains about his hurt wallet.

Angel hard as a rock when he sees your new name on your plane ticket.

The two of you nearly missing your flight because your husband needs to “show his wife he loves her”.

You babying him on the flight, because Angel has never flown anywhere before.

“Mami, it’s perfectly valid to feel like a flying toaster can’t safely get you anywhere but a casket. Which they can’t even put you in, because you’ll be everywhere!”

Cue you distracting him with kisses and dirty words in his ear, which gets you initiated into the Mile High Club

Barely making it into the cute little condo before the two of you are at it again, collapsing in the late hours to jet lag and mutual satisfaction.

Your first official day is spent dragging Angel around the humid streets. Knowing he stresses easily if you plan things too tightly, and wanting to wing it yourself. It’s surprising how well you to fit in, it almost feels like home.

Angel switching from being jealous, because your tiny cotton sundress is attracting more than just his attention, to him kissing all over your dewy skin because so much of it is visible.

You getting as jealous as Angel, because it seems like each place you drag him to has openly interested ladies. It’s the white linen shirt that he won’t fully button no matter how many times you try to make him.

Angel basking in the attention, and even playing it up to force you to be the one to initiate inappropriate public sex.

Smirking when you break after a woman pays for his (and unintentionally yours) order at a small cafe you stepped into and you snap and drag him to a hidden place.

“I only love you querida, mi alma.” he whispers in your ear when he bottoms out inside you.

You two are a beautiful couple. Photogenic as all hell. Alone, neither of you have a problem attracting interest, but together, you make people want to be seen around you. That’s why you have no problem club hopping to all the exclusive places.

Angel taking photos and videos of you dancing because he’s so enthralled. He can’t wait to show your kids one day when they ask why he fell for you, and he explains how full of life you are.

Getting enough liquor in Angel to get him dance somewhere away from the club, especially since he (lies) and says he can’t.

You and Angel competing to see who can get the most people to buy your drinks + the two of you losing track because you both get drunk.

A quickie in the coatroom is the prize, Angel fucking you to the hypnotic beat.

Spending a few hours apart the following day, only to still keep texting and FaceTiming each other until you met up, touch starved, at a small restaurant.

Deciding to spend the rest of the day at your Airbnb laid up under each other after Angel scores weed. Teasing Angel about his monetary complaints when you spend all night enjoying the small backyard pool.

Angel thanking God for getting an adventure loving woman as his soulmate when you wake him up the next afternoon to inform him you rented jet skis for the day.

You being impressed when, while jet skiing, Angel silver tongues your way into an invitation to a nearby yacht party out of the host.

FaceTiming Gilly to make him jealous that you two are doing Hookah and drinking Casamigos in a hot tub.

Angel ramping up the mockery when EZ and Coco appear on screen, attracted by Gilly’s whining. Everyone looking overworked and salty, while you and Angel are living your best non-sober lives.

Slipping away from the party to one of the rooms on the boat, because once again, you and Angel never know when to stop teasing each other before it ends up in sex.

Feeling bold enough to suggest that since Angel’s been documenting so much of the trip, that maybe he should film this too.

The aftermath being a surprisingly sweet series of kisses and confessions where the two of you express how thankful you are to have found each other. How you can’t wait to build a forever together.

Marfa + Roswell (Coco)

No one knew how you got Coco to agree to travel for your honeymoon until you finally revealed where you were going. Splitting a week between Marfa and Roswell.

You and Coco are that “weird” conspiracy, incense, and weed couple, so it makes sense.

Giving Coco an edible before you leave, because like Angel, he doesn’t fuck with air travel like that.

“They got me with that bullshit in the military, but that was out of my control. You askin’ a lot right now, you’re lucky you’re cute mujer.”

Coco getting progressively handsy during the flight as the edible hits. Eventually, you stop fake-fighting his neck kisses and forward touches.

Also like Angel in that he’s unafraid to become a member of the Mile High Club.

The ride from the El Paso airport, to the car rental place, to Marfa takes far longer than Coco would like.

He’s used to long stretches of trip on his bike, and when you notice him becoming antsy, you distract him with interesting facts about Marfa.

The entire time, Coco can’t help but think that you’re the perfect road trip co-pilot, only to realize he actually meant his life in general now.

Coco proud as hell when you fall in love with his accommodations choice like he did. The colorful airstream trailers of the El Cosmico hotel are the two of you through and through.

You both trying to be responsible adults and refresh after travel, but continuing to get lost in each other during the whole process.

Shower sex -> Making out while drying off -> Touching while searching through your bags for something to wear -> bed sex -> repeat

Looking thoroughly mauled when you finally manage to get Coco off of you and into the car in search of food the next afternoon.

Coco being happy you can’t cover up due to the heat, while you wonder what superpower he and his boys have that let them wear flannel and long sleeves in the heat.

Dragging Coco to a cute cafe you saw on instagram, and him knowing, by the hipster design of it, that his wallet is about to cry.

Stealing food from his plate, and laughing at him sucking his teeth and whining when he catches you.

“You’re stuck with me forever now Johnny sooo….get used to this.”

“Small price to pay for that I guess.”

Finding small shops to go to and being Siamese twins in every one. Coco showing he has good taste in a lot of things one might think he wouldn’t. Him opening up his wallet at everything you 'ooh' and 'aww' at. He can’t help it, he likes you happy, and your kisses and adoring looks are addicting.

For almost everything you get, Letty gets something too. Neither of you wants that tantrum when you get back.

You fighting yourself to avoid the art supply store, and Coco not having it.

“I have so many supplies already, it’s an addiction at this point.”

“So? Get some more. It’s our week, we shouldn’t stress about shit.”

Coco bragging on your talents and successes to the art shop cashier when you checkout.

“Cocoooo.” you murmur hiding your face in his shoulder, arms around his waist.

“Don’t be shy ma, you’re fucking amazing. I love your skills.”

Cue the cashier swooning at the two of you.

Finding unique liquor stores and getting tipsy on samples. It becomes twice as fun when locals, and other tourists alike, start discussing the Marfa lights with you, and you and Coco impress everyone with your ideas.

Being invited to a bonfire smoke session with the other El Cosmico guests when you get back.

Sketching Coco by the firelight, because he’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen in that moment, and now he’s officially yours.

The sex being on another level of intimate that night, because all day you and Coco have been engaging in your respective love languages, and it culminates in mutual need for each other.

The drive to Roswell being more tolerable for Coco, but he still misses his bike. Your excitement about AlienFest is so palpable however, he quickly forgets.

Your hotel being more conventional, but the people you meet making up for it. Finally, you and Coco aren’t the weirdest ones in the room.

Taking the time before the festival starts to check in with friends and family and accumulate odd souvenirs for them. You believe Coco is intentionally getting them stuff they’ll hate.

“Taza won’t wear that baby, he has better taste in jewelry than UFO earrings.”

“Ok, but can he bitch about us not getting him anything? Plus, you can guilt anyone into anything.”

Doing cute edible pastries at the festival.

“You know Aliens are demons right? Jack Parsons and L. Ron Hubbard were doing summoning rituals in the Mojave in 1946, and Roswell was the following year.”

“Word?…Shit. Tell me that again when we’re not rolling. I wanna read about it………you’re so smart mami.”

Coco realizing between every snack stop, every dance he shares with you, every trinket you pick up, and every little conspiracy tidbit you share, that you’re his wife now. That the peace he’s been feeling all week, that he thought he’d never have, is going to be his new normal.

New Orleans (EZ)

You and EZ both enjoy engaging with history and culture, and felt that your honeymoon should be built off of your shared interests. During your meticulous wedding planning, it was decided New Orleans would be the honeymoon destination. It didn’t hurt that you missed your southern roots too, even if you weren’t from New Orleans.

Traveling with EZ is a dream considering you’re both pretty organized, together people. He’s not afraid of flying, but you’re always a little nervous.

EZ being Best Husband™️ and soothing even the most minor of your stresses by turning your attention to the excitement of your trip and your new relationship status.

Teasing EZ in-flight won’t get you Mile High Club initiated, because he finds it much more entertaining to punish you by letting you work the both of you up, and making you stay that way for the duration of the flight. He’s got enough will power to suffer through it, because your soft whines make it worth it.

The airbnb is everything it was promised to be, and you’d appreciate that later, but all you can think of is your husband when you step through the door. That’s the other half of why EZ likes to leave you waiting. Your aggression and exclusive desire for him gets, and keeps, him hard.

It rains the following day, which is just as well, because neither of you are quite ready to stop physically expressing your love for each other. The day consists of ordering food, falling out of your clothes and onto each other, separating to read, falling back on each other, and quick naps.

Angel sending mocking texts in your Reyes group about how you’re trying to turn his brother bamma like you, only to stop when you threaten him with no souvenirs.

EZ and you taking responsibility for your own tour because let’s face it, you both know exactly what you want to see, and can plan a more satisfying tour for the both of you. You take turns deciding where to go next.

When it’s his turn, EZ picks an art museum, and can’t quit smiling about it. You think it’s because he picked a place he really wanted to go to.

“Babe, I have a surprise for you.”

“What?” your excitement always makes EZ’s heart race with his own.

He hands you the guide brochure he picked up at the door, folded to the section he wants you to look at.

“Faith Ringgold exhibit?!”

He hums and nods, grunting when you knock into him with a hug.

“Thank you for thinking of me. I love you.” you look up at him, eyes shining with unshed tears and he just kisses you, afraid he’ll cry if he says anything.

The two of you avoid the tourist trap spots for lunch and find a cute family owned cafe. You order for the both of you based on what you know about southern cuisine and both of your tastes.

You love watching EZ fall in love with the food as he keeps asking “Can you make this?” about everything he eats.

The two of you walking through the Garden District in the evening. Hands swinging between you with no plans but to admire the beautiful homes and foliage.

EZ noting how awestruck you are, and you describing what you love about the historic, towering homes.

He catches that when you describe what your dream home in the area would be, he and your future children are mentioned frequently, and it makes butterflies dance in his stomach. He can picture your family in the yards around him.

The two of you almost make it back to your Airbnb, but give into your baser urges after all the domestic conversation. EZ pulls you into an alley for a quickie, the two of you fighting to silence the other’s vocal expression.

You teasing EZ after that he’s more like his brother than he thinks. Him teasing back the two of you would’ve been caught and arrested if he was like Angel.

The following day is relaxed and less planned. The both of you getting thoughtful gifts for each member of your family, blood and otherwise. EZ scores major points for the gifts he suggests for your mom and dad, and you kind of want to jump him again.

EZ is glad you’re impressed, but it’s nothing to him. It all comes naturally because he loves you so much, and refuses to be anything other than the husband he knows you deserve.

AN:

I didn’t want to add this, cuz I wanted to end on a sweet note, but you just know Angel would accidentally send that vid to one of his boys.

Personally, I lose it for shit like this. Anything domestic in writings is my jam, so I decided to make these headcanons.

- Fun fact: Jet Ski is kind of like Bandaid in that it’s become the generic term for “personal water vehicles”, but it’s actually a specific brand’s name for their PWVs. I learned this while writing this enjoy💀.

[erika-being-erika]

More levihan reccomendations!

Part 1

• One Last Time by PiercingThePage

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi & Hanji have been dating for about 3 years in highschool. He starts to have feelings for one of the pretty girls names Petra Ral. After he starts cheating on Hanji with her, he decides he wants out of the relationship. Until the day he decides to tell her, ends up being the day she tells him that she's pregnant. Will they make it out well, or will Levi start to realize he is becoming his own dead beat dad

• Having My Baby by Countess_Dorkula

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Another SNK Kink Meme fill. Follow Levi and Hanji as they go through the marvelous adventure towards parenthood.

• catch me if you can by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapter || on going]

Summary:

The Ackerman duo. Just the mention of this name filled Hange with so many feelings. Mostly, when she reread the files of their cases over and over, until her eyes watered, she felt pricking annoyance. Sometimes, when she stared at the dead bodies of those scarce unfortunates who stumbled upon their crimes, she was filled with hatred and a pushing need for revenge. Hange couldn't deny, however, there were times when she marveled at the impudence of their crimes. And, when she was investigating the Ackerman's cases and saw just how meticulously planned they all were, she couldn't help but feel something close to fascination.

No one knew who they were. No one had seen their faces, no one knew their true names. Almost everyone knew of their crimes.

Hange was determined to unravel every last one of their secrets. She will put an end to their crimes and then she will get the elusive Ackermans behind bars.

• Partners by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When Petra was promoted to a detective and partnered up with legendary Levi Ackerman, she felt like the happiest person in the world.

But, as she soon found out, detective Ackerman she used to admire so much was actually a far cry from the ideal policeman Petra thought he was. He was rude, harsh and easily annoyed.

And, in addition, he still hadn’t moved on from the death of his previous partner - detective Hange Zoe.

• can't keep my hands off you by fanmoose12

[Multi-chap || completed]

Summary:

Hange, Levi and their not so secret relationship.

• Looking for You by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Returning from a long mission, all Levi wanted was to spend sometime with Hange. But instead he got a message from Erwin, urging him to come to HQ. There he found out, that Hange was missing for over a week and that his new mission is to partner with Moblit, Hange's loyal assistant, and together find and bring Hange home.

• A Tale of Two Slaves by TundrainAfrica

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

"Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything's a choice. And Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

• Free-Falling by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Skydiver and tea shop owner Levi Ackerman meets the town’s resident mad scientist and tries to convince himself that he's not falling for her.

• All of Me by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

By the time they reached the trees, Sylvia's sides were heaving, her flanks covered in sweat-foam, but they couldn't afford to stop; two titans had become more. Hange refused to look behind her, but she could tell by the way the ground shook that one of them was at least a 13-meter class.

And all she had with her was one blade and a horse who was about to drop dead of exhaustion.1

• Dreams May Not Come True by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levihan. Hange knows something is wrong when she goes down to breakfast one morning and the smell makes her stomach churn.

• Something Like Destiny by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Reincarnation AU. Zoë doesn't have dreams; she just knows.

• A Dangerous Game by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

A snk 1920′s AU:

Sina is wild, crowded, bursting with industry. Home to jazz, fashion - and corruption. Crooked politicians, dirty police, and powerful gangs have turned the city into a cesspit of violence where the powerful rule. At the center of the chaos are the Ackermans - one of the most powerful gangs in the city, Mayor Fritz - who is as corrupt as he is wealthy, Erwin - a police commander determined to weed out the corruption in his own department, and Hanji - a journalist willing to risk everything to expose their city’s darkest secrets.

• A Simple Choice by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

The rain had started up again. Fat droplets drummed over her hood, drenching the fabric. Her horse’s reins were wet and cold; though her fingers, numbed from continued exposure to the elements, could hardly feel them.

Following the sound of the explosion, they’d arrived at a clearing. It was a mess of blackened, shattered wood, and the wagon, a skeleton, was little more than a smoking husk. Beyond the wreckage, a titan lay prostrate. Felled, its limp, hulking form was barely visible through the rain.

As soldiers shouted, pointing at the creature, one of the horses still tethered to the ruined wagon, writhed. When the beast screamed a broken, panicked wail, her own horse shifted, flanks twitching with unease.

Hanji barely noticed.

The soldiers' voices, the poor beast’s screams, even the heavy, even thrum of rain - had silenced as she looked to the river.

A body lay at the edge of the dark, white-capped water.

• License to Science (And Kill) by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

When International criminal organization, TITAN, successfully steals an arsenal of missiles along with their encrypted launch codes, Code Blue is initiated. It up to Agent Levi Ackerman, a spy in a class of his own, and Research scientist Hanji Zoe, the premiere authority on the organization, to halt a global catastrophe in its tracks.

She lowered her glasses, brown eyes blinking over the rims. “Does this mean I have a-” One brow lifted. “License to Science?”

“No. But I do have a License to Kill. Don’t tempt me to use it.”

• Aftermath by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi rushes to the wall in the aftermath of the Armored and Colossal Titans' attack.

“Are you worried about your wife?”

The question shocked him out of his musings.

Levi looked up, “My what?”

But the pastor was already speaking, “You’re obviously beside yourself with stress – and it’s understandable. Not knowing if your wife has survived-”

Levi cut him off, “My what?”

The pastor hesitated, apparently realizing he’d made some mistake, but misunderstanding precisely what it was. “Your…wife? The woman we traveled with before? She’s ah – forceful. You two uh – have the same, er – strident personality. When we first met, she dangled me off the wall.”

• Terrible Things by someonestolemyshoes

[One-shot]

Summary:

The first time he tells her she’s pretty, Hange is all kinds of filthy - sweaty, dirty, twigs in her hair and mud on her shoes and a great big disgusting ball of everything Levi hates.

She is also crying.

It isn’t like he’s never seen her cry before - they’re nine and crying is just what kids do, especially kids like Hange who like to play with things they probably shouldn’t play with and like to climb trees even though they’re kind of clumsy and so the crying, in it’s self, isn’t all that weird.

What’s weird is that Hange - Hange, with her print-smudged glasses and ratty ponytail and clothes two sizes too big for her - is crying because a boy called her ugly.

• Acquiescence by 3LevisInATrenchcoat

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

On Judgement Day, the tide brought someone strange.

• My soulmate by a_golden_hearted_snk_fan

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When your soulmate gets injured or hurt, their injuries show up on your skin with a slight sting then slowly fade. It was a rare thing to occur, but Levi and Hanji were the lucky ones.

• SOS by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi is a reclusive senior student who shares an apartment with Mike, Nanaba, and his best friend, Hange, who he's secretly in love with. Oddly enough, they also belong to the same secret club with a special operations squad. The 104th cohort is a bunch of freshmen misfits they've taken under their wing, Moblit is Hange's lab partner also vying for her affections, while Erwin’s the newest instructor who doesn’t know how to teach. And they say school is fun.

• the moon is dark by alteirkay

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

His face was wet.

“What the hell?” He murmured touching his face to see if he was mistaken. He was not. His hair was damp with sweat. There was an uneasiness invading his whole body. He was filled with it like he had drunk it straight from a bottle. His chest was heavy, his breaths were uneven, and his right eye was throbbing like a hammer was hitting at it continuously.

He was feeling like he had just lost someone.

• The Experiment by KakashiSensei

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

After a public brawl between them, Commander Erwin confines Captain Levi and Zoë Hange to barracks. When the Survey Corps next heads out, they are left behind as a punishment. Soon bored out of her mind, Hange turns her scientific curiosity towards the most interesting specimen within her reach: Levi. When his past reaches out to him to claim him back, she joins him on a dangerous journey. Do budding feelings have a chance in the most desolate of places?

• windmill by alteirkay

[One-shot]

Summary:

Here is the thing about Levi, his heart is a windmill in the middle of a wilderness where there was no wind to make it twirl, there was no wind to make it beat, pound and feel. Just feel.

Until one day he got hit by a storm so wild, so rare and so incredibly terrifying but in the most beautiful and breath-taking way that it left him defenceless, vulnerable and weak. Like a tiny little flower which had long passed its day of blossoming in a fierce, winter dawn yet it stood erect with its fragile body, challenging against the merciless winds and the brutal frost.

He fell in love.

• In Your Shoes by Neighborhood_Nori

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary

Levi, Paradis Studio's strict ballet instructor, can't stand the newly hired hip-hop instructor, Hanji. As a ballet dancer with his own complicated history with hip-hop, Levi only has respect for the more refined forms of dance. Can Hanji change his mind about her and her style of dance through determination, persistence, and her passion for dance?

• Distractions by Rookblonkorules

[One -shot]

Summary:

Hange’s love for pop culture interferes with her and Levi’s work.

It’s annoying.

• Leave You Whole. by zerothecreator

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi spends his last moments in Hangë’s arms.

• Moments by Anonymous

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levihan Modern AU

She's a long-legged, sun-kissed beauty with tattoos in hidden places and multiple piercings.

Her leather jacket's on his bedroom floor, her ripped jeans too and she's pretty sure one of her heeled scarlet boots got left in the living room in their haste last night. At least her glasses are on top of the bedside drawer- they managed that, at least.

• more baby snacks by argethara

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi tries to find out how and why boxes of Udo's biscuits are gone.

• Anniversary by EllePellano

[One-shot]

Summary:

AU One-shot: Erwin and Levi have a short conversation about the woman they both loved

• All We Are by TundrainAfrica

[One-shot]

Summary:

"We’re what’s left of the old survey corps Levi. We’re all alone.”

“We can’t be alone if there’s two of us.”

“So what do you suggest Captain Levi?”

“We stick together…” Levi answered. “We stick together, Commander Hange.”

During the time skip, Hange and Levi's relationship develops.

• Thin Ice by Xenobia

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Takes place between events in chapter 90 of the manga. Hange, now commander of Survey Corps, commissions Captain Levi to scout territory in the mountains to search for a supply tower she believes may still be stocked. The scouts need all the supplies and currency they can get in order to carry on with their goals. Against his better judgment, Levi joins her on this excursion. The bitter, early winter makes their mission harder than expected, however. The pair find themselves relying on each other to survive, and they find it increasingly difficult to treat one another as comrades in arms and nothing more.

• Hidden Meanings by WhatHistoryForgets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Hange never thought a materialistic item could mean so much to her until she lost it.

• Of teacups and stale bread

[One-shot]

Summary:

Five times Hange prepared tea for Levi, and the one time that he did.

• Unintended Consequence(s) by Ella3982

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Not all of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad died when the cavern collapsed. Some of them escaped through the tunnel Hange, Moblit, and Armin used. When the two parties meet, the Anti-Personnel Control Squad takes the three Survey Corps members hostage with the intent to force the Survey Corp's hand. However, when they find out that Kenny Ackerman has died, they become more desperate.

If the Uprising Arc had ended a bit differently, how would it alter the course of the story? What would change, and what would stay the same?

• A Fire in the Shadows by free_pancakes

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

LeviHan in an Avatar the Last Airbender AU - a side story occurring alongside the events of ATLA

Levi, the nephew of a fire nation captain, stumbles upon a ragtag group of 5 known as the Scouts, formidably known for foiling the plans of local fire nation control, living in the forests a few miles north of Ba Sing Se.

• Speak Your Dark Pleasures to Me by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)

Summary:

A collection of drabbles and oneshots exploring a sexual relationship between Levi and Hanji.

• Tips & Tricks by Sleepyheadven

[One-shot]

Summary:

Eren’s brow was furrowed forward in confusion as he spoke. “I thought you said that staring at people isn’t nice?” He said after a few moments, gathering his thoughts. He seemed genuinely bewildered as to why she was intensely staring down a stranger when she had told him countless times before that it was impolite to do so.

Oh, lord, was her only thought as she quickly scrambled for an excuse. “I - Uh - well, sometimes people stare at other people because -” before she could even begin to form a proper sentence, Eren interjected. She wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or dismayed by his actions.

“Is it because you think he’s cute? My friend Ymir stares at my friend Krista that way all the time, she says it’s because she’s so pretty!” Eren babbled happily, oblivious to the way Hange’s grip around the handle of the cart tightened. Her brown eyes darted back and forth between the stranger and her son, hoping that he couldn’t overhear their conversation seeing as Eren wasn’t the softest of speakers.

• A drunk man always tells the truth by krissixh

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi finds out that Hanji is engaged to a rich man. He gets drunk that night and confronts her his feelings. The two have to confront a lot of difficulties to be able to end as a couple.

• Relapses by Oreotragus

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Despite having become a great asset to humankind, Captain Levi still has some trouble adjusting to his post-crime lifestyle, especially the social aspects of it. One extremely badly coordinated step out of his comfort zone creates a grand mess that he has to clean up.

• Weight of Survival by otterbeans

[One-shot]

Summary:

Hanji gives birth to Levi's unintentional child. She pretends to be surprised when he shows up for it.

• Don't drink the kool-aid by smallblip

[One-shot]

Summary:

Think of a number between one and ten. Because that's how you love in this world. First you toss out the word love. You tell it to its face that Commander Erwin Smith says “love is the ultimate cult of men... A sect... A dirty ploy by the whatever god is up there to make us all vulnerable..."

And then, everything falls into place.

• until another thursday evening by pinkweirdsunsets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

and ever since they were only five, Levi had protected her, whether it was from the daily shenanigans she came up with or the criminal background he came from. She was his sunshine, messy and grinning, and he shielded her away from all terrible things.

until zeke yeager came along.

• Make It Make Sense! By cznpai

[Multi-chapt || completed]

I can't add the summary cause I've reached the limit. Welp i still have a lot of fics here so ill make a another post of reccomendations... HAHA bye!