#wine company uk

[thefinewinecompany]

Bodega Cerrón La Calera 2020 - Fine Wine for Every Occasion

Discover Bodega Cerrón La Calera 2020 at The Fine Wine Company. A premium wine choice for connoisseurs, perfect for elegant gatherings or special moments. Shop the product here -

[anashins]

Snow in London

Pairing: idol!Jaehyun x escort!reader

Genre: fluff, romance, smut

Word Count: 4.2k

Summary: Jaehyun has to spend Christmas alone in London and figures that with money, you can buy anything - even company to make him feel less alone.

A/N: Merry Christmas guys - this is my gift for you! Have happy holidays and enjoy! (You might get confused as the story unfolds, but keep reading, it will all make sense, trust me)

A bottle of wine and an escort.

If two weeks ago someone had told Jaehyun that this was how he was going to spend this year’s Christmas, he would have called that person a fool. Usually, he spent it among his family, friends and members, and everyone knew. Very cozy and comfortable, only with the people closest to him.

Now, Jaehyun himself was the person who looked like a fool. 

It was Christmas Eve and he was sitting in a hotel room on the other side of the world - London, to be exact - far away from all the people dear to him. If only he hadn’t accepted this campaign shoot for this certain luxury brand, he would be home by now, fast asleep after having enjoyed good food with his family.

But fate had other things in store for him when it was announced this morning that all domestic and international flights were canceled due to the heavy snowstorm that would last a couple of days. Jaehyun knew it was his responsibility as a global ambassador, but he had really begged to not accept this job in case something like this would happen. It didn’t usually snow in the UK, so his team had just shrugged his concerns off.

But somehow, he had sensed it, and now he was locked up here with nowhere else to go.

When Jaehyun looked out of the window, he saw white everywhere with not a single vehicle passing by in the streets, and the snow wouldn’t stop falling. He doubted he could take a flight tomorrow or the day after that. Or the day after that even. It was frustrating. 

With a ‘thud’, he let himself fall back onto the bed. At least he was in a high class hotel close to Hyde Park and the staff had invited him to go to the bar with them, but Jaehyun wasn’t in the mood for company now. Well, at least not the company of so many people he didn’t know well enough. 

Why an escort then? 

Jaehyun didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve entirely alone, but he also didn’t want the commitment of having the person around until the next morning with the obligation of getting something physical out of it. He would rather leave it open. Or even worse, he didn’t want to take the flight back with that person and work together again depending on how this night would end. So that was why the staff was ruled out and the hotel employees as well just because they were short handed during the holidays.

Jaehyun just didn’t want to be alone on Christmas Eve and he had the money for it.

The fact that he had indeed never done something like this before was mirrored in how his heart jumped the moment he heard a knock on the door. Luckily, it was just room service bringing the wine he had ordered shortly before, leaving him all alone again with a simple “Merry Christmas”. 

If this Christmas Eve was going to turn merry for Jaehyun, he also didn’t know yet.

The second time he heard a knock, he opened the door even more nervous to find you standing in front of him whose picture he had only briefly seen on the website this morning.

The first thing he noticed about you was how much prettier you were in real life. If he were being honest, you didn’t look like your photos at all as in fact, he found you more beautiful in person and with your bright aura, his nervousness directly dropped a bit. 

Perhaps, he had also not looked at the photos properly, because he wanted to leave it open whether there would be intimate contact at all, and there were not many working today. In the end, he preferred any company over none at all and this was a time where he couldn’t be picky much since he also didn’t want to reduce a person to their outward appearance only and wanted to talk to them too.

So Jaehyun was pleasantly surprised to see you, a pretty, young woman with a nice energy, standing in front of him. 

The second thing he noticed was that you must be cold, because despite your body being covered in a thick black puffer jacket and a pair of black pants that ended in boots, there were remnants of snow everywhere on your body, and since the flakes were melting by room temperature, it looked like you had just run through the rain with your face uncovered also.

For a special day with special services, if Jaehyun were to be blunt, you were dressed and styled quite ordinary - which he didn’t mind at all though since you were only going to stay in the room anyway, he had dropped the fact beforehand! He just couldn’t help but to notice the great difference in the sexy clothings and heavy makeup you had worn on your online pis and the way you were styled now. 

But he’d rather have you warm and cozy than sexy during such a weather, he wasn’t one to pay much attention to outer clothing anyway when most of the time he was wearing lounge pants himself. Actually Jaehyun felt really relieved since he also hadn’t dressed up much for this occasion, wearing his slacks and black shirt at most. 

“Good evening. It’s cold outside, come in.”

Jaehyun opened the door widely, and the third thing he noticed about you was how good you smelled when you walked past him with a light,

“Good evening. Thank you.”

You opened your jacket and Jaehyun, like the gentleman he was, helped you get out of it and hung it up on the wardrobe. When he turned back around, he observed you standing in the room, wrapping your arms around yourself and trembling with your light clothes since your upper body was only covered in a blouse.

“Didn’t you use the shuttle I ordered?” he asked.

“You ordered a shuttle for me? Oh…” You shook your head. “I used the subway and walked all the way from Oxford Circus to here.”

That was why you looked like you had walked through the snowstorm - because you literally did. “I paid for a shuttle service straight to the hotel too, no?” Jaehyun was sure this had been listed on the bill as an extra service for which he had already paid.

“I didn’t get the notice, she didn’t tell me. Only the hotel, floor and room number. There are no cars or services running, so….”

Suddenly, Jaehyun felt bad. He assumed ‘she’ was the operator in the company, something like a manager. “Take off your clothes.” 

“What?”

He was confused that you had turned confused, so you were looking at each other, equally puzzled. “I want to hang them up, so you don’t have to walk around with wet clothes and risk getting a cold. And I want you to take a shower please, to warm yourself up.” 

You blinked a few times, but then replied, “Oh! No, I was only taken aback a bit…”

“Don’t worry.” Jaehyun finally realized what had run through your head. “I’m not like that.”

Even though you only nodded as a reply, he clearly saw how relieved you were, and he started questioning whether you knew what you were actually here for as you appeared a bit insecure about this entire situation. Even though it might not happen right away or at all, the job description was very clear and you weren’t a newbie if he had to believe the website. But Jaehyun shrugged it off as this was a special circumstance and day you might not get into often as well.

Jaehyun then sent you to the bathroom with information on where to find the towels and a bathrobe. He just couldn’t live with the thought of having a woman come over despite the weather and dealing with the consequences.

Rummaging through his luggage, he found a simple white long sleeve and checkered lounge pants that must be way too big for you, but he figured it was better than leaving you in a bathrobe or making you wear your own clothes again before they had fully dried.

When you walked out of the bathroom approximately half an hour later, with semi-dried hair, a bathrobe way too big for you and wearing no makeup at all anymore, the fourth thing Jaehyun noticed about you was that you were an ordinary young woman who he could have also met on the streets or in a club, not someone he paid to spend a few hours with.

And if he were to say it out loud, he wouldn’t want you to misunderstand this. There was no negative connotation with this thought, especially not in regard to your job which services he was making use of himself. It just dawned on him that you were two ordinary people in private, alone on Christmas Eve. 

In the end, when it came down to loneliness, you were both the same.

“You’re so kind to me,” you stated when Jaehyun handed you his clothes.

“I figured someone who has to work on Christmas Eve deserves more kindness than usual.”

“It was okay,” you simply stated and returned to the bathroom while it echoed, “There weren’t too many rude customers today, thank god.”

Jaehyun tilted his head in question over this cryptic statement. Had you just used plural? Oh my, how many customers did you take in a day? Was Christmas Eve really that busy? But then he decided to brush it off. It was none of his business anyway, although it remained in the back of his head, itching him a bit. 

While he walked over to the table where he had also already prepared two glasses and opened the wine, you left the bathroom again, now fully dressed in his clothes.

Jaehyun attempted really hard not to look up and to stare, so he tried to catch a glimpse or two from the corner of his eyes while filling the wine glasses. Under any other circumstances, this would have been an awkward first date, and even though it wasn’t since he paid for your company, pretending to have it be one made it a little bit easier for him, he had to admit.

“Wine?” he offered, and he perceived in the way the look in your eyes changed that you very much welcomed this ice breaker.

“Thank you.”

Alcohol was not only very popular for making your tongue loose, which was why, two glasses of wine for each of you later, your outer clothes had become very loose as well and eventually landed on the floor next to the bed.

“You know,” you murmured in between kisses before Jaehyun slid his tongue along your jaw and only came to a stop with it by the side of your neck, which made you giggle. “I usually don’t do this the first time I meet someone… At least not directly.”

Jaehyun pricked up his ears, but didn’t stop nibbling on the soft skin. “Oh? But then, what do you usually do upon first meeting someone?”

“Usually we go out, to a restaurant or something. And if the vibe is right, one thing leads to another…”

Of course he knew about the fact that high quality escort services didn’t come with short lived physical intimacy only. But there was only so much he was able to do in such a situation, and now he was truly wondering if he should have ordered a room service meal first since he hadn’t even been fixated on physical contact only. It was his first time too, so he still felt a bit lost - and guilty he wasn’t able to offer more.

But he was just so attracted to you which was even more fueled by the bit of alcohol in his system now, and upon the first time he had leaned in to kiss you only moments before this, he knew you felt the same about him. Which was good! After all, he couldn’t imagine getting intimate with someone who had to pretend to like him for his sake and for the money.

“I would have taken you out first too, but during this snowstorm…”

He didn’t come to end his sentence, because you cupped his face and pulled him up, so that you were facing each other again, and you reassured him with your thumb stroking tenderly over his warm cheek, “I don’t mind this time.”

“Good.”

And with that, the last word was spoken just as the last pieces of clothing, your underwear, found their way onto the floor too. 

When Jaehyun was running his fingers through your hair, caressing the sensitive skin on your shoulder with his warm lips, he noticed that, even after showering, you still smelled as good as in the moment when you first had walked through the door. You weren’t wearing any heavy perfume or another scent. This was just you, the natural you. He liked it.

You were sitting on his lap and held onto his strong upper arms for support as he went lower with his lips to the area around your cleavage. Your teeth sank into the flesh of your bottom lip when he bit into your nipple, making you gasp eventually. You felt him smile against your breast, and, almost as if he wanted to apologize, he licked over the spot and then gently placed a kiss on it. 

When he dedicated his mouth to your other mound though, he didn’t use his teeth anymore, but only his tongue. And a few moments later, you let your head roll back as he sucked on nibbled on that spot, causing sensations to run all through your body and your thighs to clasp around him even stronger as though you wanted more of him too. And you actually did, oh how much you did!

But a familiar tone made you both turn your head to the desk simultaneously where your phone was lightening up and vibrating. Who would interrupt you at such a time?

“Just ignore it,” you told him, and he nodded deliberately.

“Very well.”

He grabbed you by your bum and with a gasp, you then were flipped around and fell backwards onto the mattress with a giggle. When your phone had exactly stopped ringing, you couldn't tell in the end, because you long had Jaehyun’s fingers inside of you.

What he thought when he was pleasuring you with his hand, wasn’t only how hot you looked as a writhing and whiny mess under him from whom he couldn’t avert his eyes, but also how fun it was, because there was a smile showing on your face every now and then.

Jaehyun usually never did one night stands, though there had been a handful of ones throughout the years. But these girls, he had talked to before, even in a drunken state only. That he just requested the company of someone and they would actually match so well from the first moment on like with you, he hadn’t expected at all.

His fingers were drenched when he pulled them out of you after noticing how tight you had gotten around him due to your arousal, but he was determined to prolong the act. After all, you had the whole night and he could still sleep on the plane the next day - if they would run again - which he doubted. And a part of him already thought further and made plans to book you instead again.

“Look at me.”

Jaehyun didn’t know why exactly, but he just wanted that. It made him feel warm around his chest. And he could need a little warmth right now when it was so cold and lonely outside. He hoped you did too. 

Your eyes were indeed warm when you looked at each other, so he couldn’t help but lift his free hand and brush some streaks of your hair out of your face. There were worse ways to spend Christmas, he had to admit. Actually, this Christmas had turned really nice at this point.

Jaehyun got pulled out of his thoughts though when he felt the palms of your hands in his nether regions, first stroking along his inner thighs, then wrapping around his full length. No way this was happening. The unexpected sensation made him fold, and he had a really hard time propping his weight up against his elbows to hold himself in position when it all felt so good.

“You like that?” you whispered into his ear with a low voice that turned him on so much.

“Just keep going and I won’t be able to guarantee anything.”

With a brush over his tip, you wiped away his droplet of precum. You then retracted your hand to lead your stained fingers to your mouth and slid them in without breaking eye contact with him. This way you let him know that he nevertheless would end up very lucky this christmas. 

Even your phone vibrating again couldn’t interrupt the mood since you both quietly agreed to ignore it before he reached for a condom on the nightstand to prepare himself. There still were a few hours of Christmas Eve left, a few hours where you could still try out stuff. Right now, you both just needed to get it off.

Jaehyun wondered if there was something you absolutely wouldn’t do or liked to do, but there was no room to think about it much anyway when you were lying under him, completely naked, a light sheen of sweat covering most parts of your body, and your facial expression welcoming him with your lips slightly parted. 

Could he imagine a better gift for his situation? Absolutely not.

He parted your thighs with his knees when he sat in front of you and guided himself in. It was easy with almost no strength required, that was how wet he had already gotten you through his fingerwork. Grabbing your thighs to your left and right, Jaehyun slid you along the mattress closer to him so that you were eventually fully sheathed inside and stuck skin on skin.

You spread out your hands when he started to pull out, then pushed in again, and with every time, he added a little more force. Your eyes rolled to the ceiling as your fingers entangled with the sheet to your left and right, and you suddenly weren’t mad at your parents anymore for leaving you alone on Christmas, so that you had decided to still work and practically spend it with a stranger. You could imagine having a worse celebration than this one right here. 

It had been quite a while since you last had sex, and you weren’t sure it had ever been this good or if it were only the circumstances and you were just so into each other - which was so rare! But in the end, it didn’t really matter. If the first blind encounter was already this good, there for sure would be a second one!

You felt your climax nearing the moment he picked up his speed, and although you were able to cum like this, you still appreciated that he changed the position from kneeling in front of you to lying on top of you. It felt good to wrap your legs around his middle, and feel him, every stroke, no matter how hard or long, even more intense.

He was breathing into your ear, and at one point even kissed your earlobe, then your cheek. It was intimate and cute at the same time, and he eventually hovered over you with his face, so you spread out your arms to welcome him with a kiss on your mouth, and then hugged him close to your body.

His breathing turned irregular and it wasn’t in sync with his thrusts anymore, that was how you could foretell that at any second, he would cum. With your fingers grabbing into his hair, partly gently, partly determined, you signalized him that it was alright to let go, and that you would follow too.

As though he had been holding in until you gave such kind of approval, he came the moment he slid back inside you with a low groan right beside your ear. You witnessed his breathing turning regular and slower and him gaining back full control of his body, because he did not directly pull out of you after he was done.

Instead, he continued moving for as long as he was still able to and eventually got you off with his hands so that you shook in his arms and he was now the one having to hold you through your climax.

“Best Christmas Eve ever,” you eventually breathed when he let go of you and rolled to one side of the now messy bed. “That was a nice gift.”

“Right back at you,” Jaehyun said.

With a look at you, he observed how you tried to grab the blanket to wrap it around your naked body to keep yourself warm. He knew a better method though. 

Jaehyun moved to your side of the bed and laid down, but making sure to have closed his arms around you before to pull you down with him right onto his chest. For a moment, he was worried that it was too much and you would free yourself again. But as he felt your muscles relaxing and you eventually put an arm around him too, he was very much relieved.

“Why are you spending Christmas alone?” you eventually asked him after a few moments of silence. “She didn’t tell me.”

Ah, so details truly weren’t passed on upon request. “My flight back home got canceled due to the snowstorm, but I didn’t want to be all alone.” Jaehyun didn’t know whether he could ask this question back, but he did nonetheless. He figured if you didn’t want to or weren’t allowed to share private info, you would tell him immediately.

“Oh, you wanted to spend it among your family too but they live abroad?” He wanted to explain that he lived abroad too, but your answer caught his attention more, “My parents suddenly decided they would rather spend two weeks on a cruise in the Caribbean sea instead of celebrating with me, so I was alone too.” 

“I understand that.” If he would have been left alone on Christmas, since it was a holiday spent among the family in the UK, he would have rather worked too, Jaehyun thought to himself. “That’s why we’re here.”

“Yeah, that’s why.”

It was cold outside, but their bodies and hearts were warm, not only because of them sharing their physical warmth, but mostly because they were not alone anymore. 

So it was an unspoken agreement that their encounter wouldn’t end here. Or at night. Probably only the next morning. And even then, you both wondered if it actually would when it felt this good.

“Should I order room service?” Jaehyun asked instead.

You nodded with excitement. “Actually, I’m quite hungry.”

“Yeah, me too.” He laughed and stretched out his arm to reach for the phone, but you both heard a knock on the door before he could call anyone.

“Did you already order something before?” you asked out of curiosity, but Jaehyun shook his head. 

“Maybe someone from my team?”

You frowned. “Team…?”

But Jaehyun didn’t see it as he had already jumped out of bed to throw on some light clothes so that it wouldn’t get that embarrassing to open the door to one of the staff.

Standing in front of him was no familiar staff at all though.

“Good evening, here I am.”

Jaehyun was flabbergasted. Had it been a glass of wine too much? Because in front of him stood the woman whose exact pictures he had seen online this morning, he now remembered clearly. Not only was she wearing the exact same clothes, but also the same heavy makeup. No doubt, he wasn’t dreaming or imagining.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” she continued. “The shuttle you ordered couldn’t get through, I was waiting for so long. I ordered a taxi from Oxford Circus instead and that eventually got stuck. I had to walk the rest of the way, but now I’m here… What is it? Don’t you want to invite me in?”

“Pardon me… what?!”

On the other side of the room, you had finally picked up the phone call from your friend who had just called for the third time.

“Hey! You can’t imagi-... What do you mean? How can he still be waiting when I am currently with him? Yes, the guy you set me up on a blind date with, he’s here,” you defended yourself over the line, then paused. “What do you mean? I am in the room on the fifth floor, the exact room you told me.”

You looked over to the man who had just closed the door again and your eyes locked with undefinable gazes. 

“This is the fourth floor.”

Then, you both asked the other as realization dawned at the same time,

“Who are you?”

[cheriladycl01]

Summer 2024 - Valtteri Bottas x Editor! Reader

Plot: Being able to work from home is the best thing for you and your travelling F1 boyfriend

You’re job was literally the definition of perfect when it come to spending time with your boyfriend. He travelled a lot, like 24 times a year a lot and it was one of those things that most couples would be concerned that it would but a strain on the relationship but not for you and Valtteri.

You were an editor. That was how you put your job loosely when people asked what you do. When they deep-dived into what you actually did it was a half an hour conversation.

Primarily you were an editor for books, you edited and translated for a British Publishing House. Your work was remote only having to come into the office once every 3 weeks to just show your face and show your boss your progress.

You didn’t have … amazing grades leaving school only really English being your strong suit and became a freelance editor in photography while you lived with your parents.

You then found a love for music editing which really was just a hobby … but you ending up actually selling some stuff and making royalties on things you’d done for companies in your local area.

But when enough was enough and you decided to look for a steadier job you came across an Editorial Assistant Job. You swiped it up, having a love for literacy and reading so it seemed pretty perfect for you and worked your way up to editor.

Being an editor meant you didn’t have to ever really be in the office which to you was great, you could watch Scooby Doo reruns from your childhood whilst editing a smutty fantasy novel and had loads of free time for your side hustles in music editing and photography.

And it was even better when you met your Finnish hunk of a, now husband, then boyfriend.

You could travel to pretty much every race with him, spend time with him at his home in Finland and then spend a few days in the UK in the office for you. You had the healthiest relationship because of how often your routines worked together.

Currently you’d just landed in Baku, you’d done a very long stint, starting with being in England in the rainy weather day in your office talking to your boss and the author of the book you were currently working on. You’d spend the day going through the subtle changes you’d made and any errors you’d found. Your eyes were basically squares by the end of it.

One thing your husband loved about the UK was the pub atmosphere, so you met him at one close to your office building in London.

“Hey honey” you smile warmly at him, as he pushes forward the large glass of white wine he’d brought for you not so long ago as you could see the condensation on the outside of the glass.

“How was work?” He asked, Valtteri never really understood your job. He never knew what you were working on, or who you were emailing and on the phone too so it was always better to ask the broader questions.

“It was good, sooooo much progress on the book that I think I may be able to submit way earlier than the deadline and it be way better than Hallie anticipated” you grin, this project with the current book you were working on was something Valtteri did know about as you were so excited about it that you constantly talked to him about it.

“Yeah, that’s good, means we can spend some time in Amsterdam before Zandvoort?” He asks with a grin knowing you loved to go to the races a little earlier so that you could see more of the country that it was in, as you’d seen the tracks and the surrounding town or city so often you knew these like the back of your hand. So it was nice to explore other parts.

“Amsterdam sounds like fun! And yes I think I’ll finish reading the epilogue this weekend on the flight to the Netherlands, how does that sound?”

“Perfect as always” he replies cheersing you before kissing the side of your head lightly.

And then you found yourself in the both stormy and sunny weekend Zandvoort brought to you where you had a very amusing time editing a video of the Stake team members for their TikTok account that had amused everyone.

You’d only really done that because you had free time, your submitted the current project you were working on, and your boss at the publishing company hadn’t emailed you anything new so you decided to help admin edit some posts and photos to help get engagement. It was fun spending time with Valterri and the team just goofing around on Thursday before and intense weekend started.

You always loved the feelings of race weekend. Sitting in the hospitality while Valtteri and Zhou were in team briefings editing away whatever you felt like on your laptop before putting it away to watch the race. You loved the garage and talking to all the mechanics, you truly were part of the team.

After Zandvoort you spend 2 days there in the gorgeous town, talking bike rides through flower filled fields and taking pictures of cute little windmills and thatched roofs.

And then you’d ended up in the scorching heat of Milan and Monza where you’d gone shopping with Valtteri and he’d treated you to some really nice things in the fancy stores you’d never dream of affording.

You’d not actually been spotted by anyone which was strange as you always saw your husband as someone that has very notable features … ie his platinum blonde mullet.

“What about this, I think you could use a dress like this” Valtteri held up a green silk dress from Prada showing it to you and spinning it.

“And where would I wear that?” You laugh knowing it was far to fancy for anything you normally did.

“Mmmm anniversary dinner, a wedding, a award ceremony… end of season party with everyone, the 2025 car launch…” he grins naming all the various places.

You were the definition of a private wag. Your Instagram was private and had been for the many years you’d been with Valterri, so going to these events you always had to dress up very nice.

“I never usually wear green though” you comment looking at the deep emerald colour being presented to you.

“Mmmm but you’d look incredible in this” he says holding it up against your body just to double check.

“I mean you’d look more incredible with nothing but …” he teases and you immediately blush.

“Valtteri! You can’t say stuff like that here” you gasp looking around the shop before looking back at him. He’s just smiling and you lightly push his shoulder back.

“You can’t do that” you say shyly. He makes you go into the changing room to try the dress on for him before he ends up buying it for you.

But after the race you spend some time on Lake Como in a cute little AirBnB that was closer to Switzerland and went on a small little relaxation retreat. You guys went to the spa and went on a boat road on the lake and swimming in cold water.

And finally you made the long flight to Azerbaijan… you were pretty tired from all the changes, but with a new project from your boss you were able to stay busy.

y/user

Liked by valtteribottas and others

y/user: 🇬🇧> 🇳🇱 > 🇮🇹! Next up 🇦🇿

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valtteribottas: Love spending everyday with you 🇫🇮❤️

-> y/user: I love it more ❤️

user1: so cute 😩

stakef1team: thank you for all the cool videos and photos you edited for us 🍀💚

-> y/user: always welcome friends at stake 🫣

user2: I’d love your job! What do you do?

-> y/user: I’m an editor :)

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Baku time now 🇦🇿

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[petermorwood]

Wow-Wow Sauce

For @redwineand12gaugeshells... :->

In fact that bottled sauce (and nervousnigels) no longer exists, and in any case its principal ingredients of (squints) horseradish and mustard are way off base.

Wow Wow sauce was meant to go with boiled beef, and since a major ingredient was the meat's broth *, it was more like a pan gravy made at the end of cooking, than something intended to go into / come out of a jar in the preserves cupboard.

* 1817 was well before stock / bouillon cubes, however "portable soup" was a Known Thing and could be a possible alternative. The recipe is specific about using fresh broth, but here's how to make portable soup, because You Never Know.

Real Wow Wow sauce had no hyphen, no sulphur, no saltpetre and definitely no grated wahoonie, though some "real" ingredients of the Discworld version - mangoes, figs, asafoetida, anchovy - suggest Terry was taking inspiration from labels in his own kitchen, such as those on HP Sauce, Worcestershire Sauce and Yorkshire Relish.

*****

Dr Kitchiner's "The Cook's Oracle" is available online from Gutenberg (the 1833 American adaptation) as well as a PDF of the 1822 UK Third edition from Internet Archive.

Here's his recipe - whose title, for extra interest, includes the original name for what became "Bully Beef":

The good doctor's "pickled cucumbers" would have been vinegared like cornichons or gherkins, not brined like dill pickles. In addition, pickled walnuts are easier to find than they used to be; even the Tesco supermarket chain carries them...

...as well as mushroom ketchup.

You'd probably still need to make the other herb vinegars and the shallot wine (based on dry sherry), but those are easy, just a matter of steeping the herbs in the liquid for a week or so then straining off and bottling the flavoured fluid.

Another useful ingredient for period cooking is anchovy sauce, which is less, er, emphatic than full-on anchovy essence. You could always scale up if you like the taste.

This also has the advantage of being a pleasant - if you like fishiness - sauce in its own right; try a teaspoonful in a tablespoonful of EV olive oil then tossed with hot pasta. Yum...!

This one's from the same company as the mushroom ketchup and the packing clearly emphasises their "period-ness" (is that a word?) The anchovy sauce is a bit harder to find, but well worth tracking down.

*****

Finally, here's a Youtube short of Wow Wow sauce being made and sampled. It looks entirely acceptable, like a cross between a thin chutney and a thick sauce, and would be, to use Dr Kitchiner's own word, "piquante".

As a side-note, that by-play with tinned corned beef was a bit pointless, since its texture and flavour are both utterly unlike beef that's been slowly, gently boiled (simmered, TBH) with halved onions, carrots, root veggies etc.

Use shin or silverside; the magic tenderiser for those cheap cuts is Time (or a pressure cooker) - though you can also add a sprig or two of Thyme if you want...

[voxina]

Jade Thirlwall was only 14 when she first presented herself for judgement. She put on her best leopard-print headband and bravely sang some of Whitney Houston’s ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go’ in front of the X Factor panel. “You’re a funny little thing, aren’t you,” remarked an amused Simon Cowell, like a cat playing with its food. Louis Walsh then jumped in with: “Unusual!” In response, Thirlwall thanked them with an unwieldy grin. 

For this tiny singer, it would be a case of third time lucky. After being put through to boot camp twice, she auditioned again at the age of 18, now wearing leopard-print trousers. Judge Kelly Rowland told the naturally shy teenager she’d be good in a girl group, an idea that Thirlwall was completely unimpressed with. She was resolute about being a solo artist and an unusual one at that.  

Rowland, of Destiny’s Child fame, had correctly identified herself in Thirlwall. That season of the show, Thirlwall was placed in what would become the second biggest-selling UK girl group of all time, Little Mix. Their accolades could fill an infinite scrolling Wiki page. They were a well-oiled commercial pop machine amassing billions of streams with hits like ‘Black Magic’ and ‘Shout Out to My Ex’ while touring stadiums until they went on hiatus in 2022. “I didn’t see myself as a conventional girl’s girl. I was nerdy and quiet. When they told me I was gonna be put in a girl group, I automatically thought of Pussycat Dolls,” she laughs. “I thought, ‘Oh no, I’m not sexy — and if they’re bitchy, I’ll struggle because I’m not confrontational at all. I shrink at any drama.’ But it turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me for my confidence and understanding of sisterhood.”

Tonight, I’m sharing wine with her at a table in Shoreditch House to discuss the fact that Thirlwall finally has what she wanted: she is the solo pop star she always dreamed of being. “I’m a bit of a dark horse,” the Rolling Stone UK Trailblazer Award winner tells me. “I’ll try anything once. I don’t see myself as a safe person creatively and I am a bit strange. All my life I’ve been told I’m weird.” Her bandmates and friends saw it, her boyfriend, Rizzle Kicks singer Jordan Stephens, saw it, Cowell clocked it after only minutes in her company, and now the rest of the world gets to see it.  

Outwardly, she didn’t seem like the biggest personality in the band, but behind the scenes, Thirlwall had been the creative driving force and business mind. For her solo project, that incisive playfulness is fully on display. From the horror-influenced visuals to the Drag Race inspiration, Thirlwall — whose solo artist name is JADE — is more aligned with Charli XCX than Little Mix. On the addictive lead single, ‘Angel of My Dreams’, she switches between a Y2K sound, hyperpop and a nostalgic girl band chorus gone wonky to tell a story about the dark side of the music industry, a theme that is repeated across her presently untitled debut album. It’s smart and entirely unexpected.  

In person, Thirlwall has the same excitable offbeat energy she had as a 14-year-old in her first audition. She’s like a conspiratorial friend primed for gossip exchange: she directs me to a clip that circulated from a Little Mix interview where fans thought she was on cocaine because she was pulling odd faces. “People don’t believe me even now,” she laughs, pausing to sip on her rosé. There were bad moments and dramas when she was in the group, of course, but she’s prepared for the same to happen in her solo career. “I’m never going to discredit what we achieved. I don’t have anything bad to say about it, so I wouldn’t stir anything up, just to look cool,” she laughs again. 

The group’s young fanbase has matured with its members. Thirlwall doesn’t see it as her responsibility to appease them or tell them what they should and shouldn’t do. “I’m 31 years old, I’m gonna write about stuff I experience, my merchandise will reflect that, you know what I mean?” One such recent merchandise bundle includes sex aids. The other day, while recording with Sugababes, she told them what’s included in the package and had to explain to Keisha Buchanan what a butt plug is, much to her amusement. This is an older and wiser Jade Thirlwall having even more fun.

Thirlwall grew up in a household of eclectic tastes in South Shields, a seaside town near Newcastle. Her mother was a Motown fan who looked like Diana Ross, while her dad listened to 80s power ballads and VH1 classics. Her big brother — who she aspired to be like as every younger sibling does — was deeply into the happy hardcore-clubland classics era of the 90s and 00s. It was a happy childhood, in part due to the fact that there’s a strong Yemeni community in South Shields (Thirlwall is half Arab: one-quarter Yemeni, one-quarter Egyptian). “I have a lot of memories of my grandad cooking curries or waiting for him outside the mosque,” she remembers. “I listened to his prayer and Arabic music, too.” It wasn’t until she went to a Catholic secondary school, where she felt alienated, that she began to struggle with racist remarks and her feelings of anxiety. She was bullied by other girls, hence her initial reservations about being in a girl band. 

While she was in Little Mix, she didn’t understand that she could have spoken out more about her race. “I’d only ever seen negative stereotypes of Arab people in the press, so I was scared to promote my heritage,” she says. “I feel sad for my younger self that I could’ve been the representation I needed back then. I try to make up for that now.” Thirlwall has been outspoken about issues close to her heart. Whether it was attending Black Lives Matter protests and pro-Palestine rallies or becoming an LGBTQ+ rights ambassador for the UK charity Stonewall, she stands out among many of her peers for her political verve. 

Each of the girls knew a year ahead that Little Mix were disbanding, so they individually spent that period preparing in the studio. “It took me a long time to figure out how to not write a Little Mix song because that’s all I’d done for a decade,” admits Thirlwall. Panicked about the idea of having so much stillness after the group, she made an abundance of music in a bid to find her sound as soon as possible. This became an advantage: so sure of what she wanted to do, Thirlwall was able to approach potential labels with a fully formed vision. After signing with RCA of Sony, they assured her she could take her time to release her solo music, which came as a surprise: in the pop world, two and a half years is a long time to disappear. “In hindsight, I was freaking out about existing without the group and thought I had to jump on the hype of us just disbanding. If I’d released then, I would’ve been anxious and have put so much pressure on myself to be as big as [Little Mix] was.”

[...]

If Thirlwall was in charge of the music industry, it’d look different. Sure, it’s improving for artists because social media means “you can’t get away with as much bad shit”, but there’s some way to go. When I ask her how she’d change it, she sits up in a businesslike manner and adopts an Elle Woods from Legally Blonde tone. Before she’ll answer that, she’ll take me back to the nagging feeling she had that something wasn’t right with Little Mix. The four girls were presented with different contracts and told who their team was, and she didn’t feel she had a choice. 

To all intents and purposes, Thirlwall and her fellow Little Mix band members were child stars. She agrees with this assessment. “I almost think you shouldn’t be allowed to be a star until you’re 18. I’m so glad I was turned away and didn’t get put in Little Mix until I was 18 — and even then, I feel like that was too young,” she says. 

Previous X Factor winner and South Shields born-and-bred Joe McElderry had warned Thirlwall of his negative experiences in the industry. “I remember him saying make sure your mum’s there when you’re doing all these important signings. But I was too young to understand what he meant, and I made the same mistakes as him.”  

It wasn’t until halfway into their career that the young women looked around and wondered who that person in the room being paid to be there was or why their peers and friends were making more money than them. Thirlwall and bandmate Leigh-Anne Pinnock helped to write the Little Mix music but weren’t signed into a publishing deal until 2019. Unfortunately, it was a “really shit deal” that they were stuck in but at least she was finally recognised as a songwriter, financially speaking. (For her solo career, she has not signed a publishing deal because she now finds it hard to trust the entire framework.)  

If she were queen of the industry, her first decree would be to introduce a comprehensive course that artists take as soon as they’re signed by a label (if not sooner), that teaches them what a label deal is, how royalties work and how they make their money. That would prevent the type of situation that Little Mix got into when they were first signed. “When you come from a working-class background, you get your advance and think you’ve made it, but you have to recoup everything back. You’re getting all these lavish cars and making them wait for ages, but you’re footing that bill eventually,” she laughs drily. She would also introduce the sort of mental health care she’s managed to negotiate as a solo artist with her new label: a substantial pot of money that she can use if she needs therapy. 

The topic of mental health brings the conversation round to Liam Payne, the One Direction member who tragically died in an accident while under the influence of drugs in October. He was Thirlwall’s peer — the only X Factor pop group to outperform Little Mix by any metric was One Direction, with the two groups frequently spoken about in the same breath — and was once her friend. They both had their first auditions during the same series, aged 14. The pair returned a second time: Liam went through to the finals and was placed into One Direction while Thirlwall was sent home. Payne was encouraging of Thirlwall and told her she had to keep trying X Factor. She was then put in a group on a later series. They fell out of touch over the years, but she was naturally upset to hear of the news for both him and for his family — their mothers are still friends.   

“When the news broke out, it did shake me up because we’d started the same, but we’d ended up on very different paths. We both wanted to make it so much and sometimes that is a blessing and a curse to get what you’ve dreamed of. It’s unbelievably tragic,” she says of Payne’s death.  

Just hours after it was reported that Payne had died, Thirlwall was due to start a heavy day of promo for her single ‘Fantasy’. She cancelled it as she didn’t feel like she was the right person to be fielding questions about his passing so soon after it happened. After all, she hadn’t been close to Payne over the past several years. “All I can speak of is who I knew he was when we were kids, and he was someone that wanted to make his family proud,” she reflects. “He wanted to be a singer more than anyone I knew.”

[Full article here]

[gojos-fr-bae]

𝔚𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔏𝔬𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔰 𝔇𝔬 𝔓𝔱. 1 (ℜ𝔢𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔢𝔡)

Pairing: CEO!Gojo x Fem!Lawyer!Reader

Warnings: Cursing, drinking, smoking, strippers, giving head, thoughts of su1c1de, mentions of sex, vomiting, shameless flirting

Word Count: 2.2K

A/N: Heyyyy, so I finally redid this. It is mostly just part 1 and 2 together but I fixed it up to make it make more sense. I hope this is more like, uk, coherent and enjoyable to read. Hope you enjoyyyyy ❤️

Minors DNI

A lawsuit.

He scoffed at the thought that someone would dare try to make an attack at him. He thought that it took a certain level of stupidity to try to attack the CEO of the most powerful tech company in Korea.

For once, someone had managed to leave his army of lawyers speechless.

A person was suing Gojo Industries because their phone had exploded in their hand. This at first didn't phase him. But as he sat there being served a 20,000 dollar fine, he couldn't help but stare at the woman who had caused his amazement as she walked out celebrating her victory with her client and associates.

How...curious.

~

That was a week ago, a week before he had to sit through the most brutal court hearings he had ever experienced. 

"Did you find her?" Gojo asked his assistant Nanami as he entered his office.

"Yes actually, now get off my back," He said in his monotone voice, slamming the file down on his desk

"Thanks Nanamiiin," He said, giving him his signature toothy grin, opening the file. "And you reached out?"

"Yes, her contract with Hanbada ends in two days and I've already scheduled an interview tomorrow at 11am."

"Alright that's all, you may leave."

"Now that that's settled, what the fuck are you thinking!?" Nanami asked, speaking to Gojo not as his assistant but as his friend.

"What do you meeean, why do I have to have some hidden motive to hire such a brilliant person to my legal team?"

"Well first of all, that's the first time I've heard you use the word brilliant in reference to anyone but yourself EVER, and second of all the last time you did this it was with that lady in marketing and got caught fucking her in the board room,"

"...details, details, wanna go to the club?" he asked, getting and picking his phone and car keys.

"Sure I guess," Nanami replied, sighing and taking off his tie, "But lay off the drugs for once will you, we have a meeting tomorrow morning and I don't need you to show up wrecked like last time."

"We both know I can't promise you that," He said, turning around to face his friend and lighting a cigarette.

~

"So, you excited for that interview you got comin' up?" your best friend Toji asked, placing your wine on the coffee table while opening his bottle of beer and sitting next to you on the floor.

"Mmm, I don't know, it's for the company I went against in my last case."

"The asshole who kept staring at you in court?"

"The very same."

"Fuckin' shit" He groaned, taking u gulp of his beer "Need me to take you?'

"Nah it's ok, if he does anything weird I'll kick his junk and call you.

"That's my girl" Toji laughed before playing the movie and pulling you into his side. "If that doesn't work pull out your knife and aim for the jugular."

"Yes sir."

~

"Satoru get your ass up so we can leave this shit hole." Nanami seethed at his so calledbest friend who was currently fucking some random stripper's throat. He was absolutely zooted.

"F-fuck Nanamiin, come on don-mmmhh," Gojo groaned, puffs of shisha escaping his lips.

"Fucking asshole," Nanami whispered under his breath, planning how he would murder his stupid friend. Why on earth did he still put up with his bs.

~

Everything hurts.

His head hurts, his arms hurt, his legs hurt. But worst of all, is the ache he felt in his heart. It was so unbearable it caused him to shed silent tears, wishing for his torture to end.

Why did he have to wake up? Why did he have to keep breathing, keep living, why couldn't it all just...stop.

"Get up, you need to get to work." Nanami said from across the room, feeling pity for the man laid down before him.

"Am I really that insufferable and unlovable?"

"Satoru, please."

"Why did she leave," his voice croaked, tears spilling from his eyes as he gazed out his bedroom window, laying still in his bed.

"I don't know Gojo, and I wouldn't say you're unlovable, insufferable sure but you know."

Gojo just sighed before falling out of his bed, and sprinting to his bathroom. All Nanami could hear were his friend's sobs while he threw his guts up.

~

"Sir, Miss L/N is here to see you."

Gojo sighed, running his hands over his face, careful not to rub the concealer and foundation covering his eye bags, contacts, blocking how red his eyes are from the bottle of whiskey and two cigarettes he had for breakfast.

"Send her in," he groaned, plastering his most charismatic smile he could on his face.

"Miss L/N, please, have a seat," he said, motioning to the seat across his desk.

"Thank you sir," you said in a soft tone, bowing slightly before taking the seat he offered.

"So, tell me about yourself"

"Oh, well I studied law at The University of Br-

" uh uh uh, that's not what I meant, I already saw all that on the resume, I want to know more about you" he said in a deep tone licking his lips while looking you up and down. Strike 1.

"Oh.. ok, well um... I'm from (Country name), I'm 22 and I love dogs…."

"(Country name) huh? No wonder you're so beautiful" Strike 2

"Hahaha, yeaaahhh. Anyways I would really appreciate a spot on your legal team. I researched it and noticed a lot of prestigious and highly respected advocates and attorneys and it would be my honour to work beside them," you said trying to shift the conversation back to a more professional tone.

"I'm sure you would do well considering how sexy you look in that suit," Strike fucking 3

"Alright you douche bag I'm not going to sit here and let you sexualize me knowing there's dozens of companies in the country who offered me well paying jobs so I wi-"

"We'll pay you 50,000 dollars per month"

"And where do I sign,"

So, you ignore all his passes on you but hear him out when he talks about work? How...curious.

*****

Gojo stirred from his sleep...again.

He's waking up...again.

Why couldn't he just be at peace for once.

Suddenly he felt so nauseous. And then came the pain. The strong, unbearable, disgusting, white hot pain. 

He ran to  the toilet and gagged so hard, trying so hard to throw up the food he hadn't even eaten. 

When was the last time he ate? 

He couldn't even remember the last time he had a proper meal on a ‘good day’ let alone when he was throwing up so hard his vision was blurring. But then again, maybe those were his tears as sobs racked his body.

Make it stop, make it stop MAKE IT STOOP!

Why wouldn't it all just stop. Maybe it was the two bottles of gin he took before bed...or the five sleeping pills...or the 50mg cocaine. All he knew was that he was sitting on his bathroom floor wishing he took the entire bottle of pills, maybe then they would've been enough to stop his heart.

*Knocks*

"Satoru, you're going to be late!" Shouted Nanami, annoyed on the other side of the door.

Gojo slapped his hand over his mouth to muffle his cries.

"Satoru?" Nanami tried again, voice sounding slightly more worried this time.

The lack of a response caused him to open the door, his stoic expression softening ever so slightly as he looked down at his best friend.

"Again?"

Satoru looked up at him before letting his shoulders shake, tears cascading down his face as he nodded his head.

"*sigh* Alright, let's get you cleaned up"

~

"She's here," Nanami said to Gojo, now in his office.

"Really?" the latter perked up, rising from his seat.

"Yes but if I may ask, why are you so interested in her?"

"You know she shut down my flirting?"

"And this shocked you because?"

"When was the last time you remember me being rejected by someone?"

"You want to go there?" Nanami asked, smirking at Gojo who rolled his eyes.

"Just tell me where she is"

"Staff room, pretty sure she's getting breakfast, you should try it some time,"

"The staff room?"

"Breakfast,"

"Oh you're soo funny"

Satoru groaned before walking out of the office to go find you. 

Who knows, maybe he'll get lucky today.

~

"Hey~" a deep voice whispered in your ear, making you jump in shock and turn around ready to kill whoever was behind you. Unfortunately, that happened to be your new boss.

"Oh, Mr. Gojo, how may I help you?"

"Not much just um... getting coffee."

"Ah, let me make you some then, how many sugars?"

"Five,"

"FIVE? What the hell, it's like you don't even want teeth."

"I guess not."

You looked at him in confusion before making him the coffee but putting 4 sugars instead of 5.

"So, there's a company dinner tonight for all the new staff, would love to see you there."

"Of course sir, now if you'll excuse me I have to get working."

"Please, go ahead"

"Yes sir," You said before bowing and walking away from him as fast as possible, who knows, maybe you will trip on your heels, twist an ankle and have to miss the dinner.

~

"Woah, woah, woah, and where are you going dressed like such a slut?" Toji asked, leaning on the frame of the bathroom door, looking you up and down while smirking.

For the dinner you chose to wear a light pink, knee length satin dress with a sweetheart neckline. You even straightened your hair and were finishing up on your makeup.

"Well if you MUST know, I'm going for a company dinner."

"Dresses like that? Might as well just go naked and take birth control. I call dibs on Godfather."

"Yeah yeah, you're just happy ‘cause ur going to be alone tonight."

"Says who? I'm going to be so busy I had to fill up on condoms."

"As if you'll use them." you snorted, walking past him to pick up your bag and leave.

"You look gorgeous by the way" He whispered, making you turn around and smile at him softly.

"Thank you"

"Uh huh, yeah now fuck off the strippers get here in ten, I don't need them seeing your weird ass, might think I'm cheating on them," He snorted, making you role your eyes and walk out of your shared apartment, wondering why you still put up with him.

~

You walked into the reserved room with a few of your colleagues, making the meeting complete. And you did your best to ignore the fact that your boss saved you the seat right beside him.

"Great! Now that we're all here and situated, I would like to raise a toast to all of you and to all our new employees, welcome you to Gojo industries. I look forward to working with all of you. Cheers"

And while everyone was toasting, you couldn't help but notice how Gojo's hand was shaking. You also looked at his face and noticed his pupils were dilated.

"Uhm, excuse me sir, are you okay?" you whispered once everyone had settled down and were immersed in their own conversations.

"Of course, why would you ask?

"Well, it's just that you're shaking, so I was slightly concerned."

"Ah, I didn't even notice, maybe I just need some fresh air, excuse me."

He rose from his seat and made his way out of the room, but you couldn't help but notice how his breathing had sped up slightly and his shoulders tensed. Kinda weird but then again he seemed like a pretty odd guy so you chose not to question it.

~

You were walking through the restaurant when you passed the back door and heard some heavy breathing. You slowly walked towards it and cracked the door open and shock cannot even begin to express the emotion you were experiencing at that moment. 

There was your boss, squatting while leaning against the building wall. But what caused your surprise wasn’t just his heavy breathing. He was shaking so violently that even though you technically hated his guts you couldn't help but worry.

"Sir? A-are you ok?"

Instead of a response, his breathing quickened. He was...having a panic attack? What the...huh? 

"Uhm sir, please calm down." you said in the softest tone you could muster, putting your bag down and trying to pat his back.

"Make it stop, please" you hear him croak, his voice sounded so soft, so weak, so...broken. You'd had your fair share of panic attacks but through the more recent half of them, you had Toji to be a shoulder to cry on so you know that being alone while suffering like this was hell. And because of this, you kneeled down and pulled him against you, wrapping your arms tightly around him and placing his head against your neck.

Once you did he began to sob so hard you were pretty sure it was ripping his throat raw. He grabbed your dress so hard he feared he would never be able to let go.

He didn’t want to let go. Not yet.

@porridgesblog

BOO! Two in one day?! who am I ?! That pole was absolutely useless wasn't it? also, am I picking up some toji x y/n?!

© gojos-fr-bae

[blouisparadise]

Here are some amazing bottom Louis fics that were posted or completed during the month of November. We hope you enjoy this list. Happy reading!

1) Threes Company | Not Rated | 1,613 words

Alpha Harry gets knot deep in another man’s omega, Louis, while he watches.

2) You've Had A Bad Day | Explicit | 2,034 words

Harry's had a really bad day at work, and Louis takes care of his husband. Fluff and smut ensue.

3) Synced Cycles | Explicit | 2,110 words

Harry sniffs loudly, eyes widening as he smells oranges, a smile creeping onto his face. “You’re going into heat soon. And I’m–” “Going into rut.” Louis can’t keep his excitement down. They’ve been wanting their cycles synced for months, and now it’s finally happening. Harry is going to be the ideal alpha, exactly how Louis begs for him to be when he’s in heat. And Louis is going to be the submissive, pleading omega for him. Fuck.

4) A Night To Remember | Explicit | 3,225 words

“If you’re going to act like a dog, panting all over another woman. Then you can get treated like one.” Louis’ legs were crossed perfectly one over the other, his thick thighs squished in a way that made Harry feel like he might just drool. Louis laughed. “Strip and get on your fucking knees, Harry.”

5) Family Meetings | Mature | 3,555 words

Louis and Harry are coming out to Louis' family. His sisters are curious about a lot of things.

6) It’s Times Like These When We’re Backstage | Explicit | 3,784 words

Louis keeps having company during the UK leg of the tour as well...

7) Softer Than Satin | Explicit | 4,077 words

“Wanna go back to bed,” Louis whispered languidly, voice partly muffled by his boyfriend’s lips on his. “Mm, but we just got up, baby,” Joel murmured. Lips touching softly with each syllable. Hands groping the soft flesh around Louis’ hips, kneading at the skin there and feeling his curves.

8) Skating Through Love  | General Audiences | 4,082 words

Alpha Harry gets jealous of seeing Louis being friendly with Alpha Zayn.

9) Always Tell The Truth | Not Rated | 5,027 words

Harry is Louis' dentist and getting a wisdom tooth removed shouldn't be the end of the world.

10) You Were Always Mine | Explicit | 5,948 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Prompt 45: A/B/O fic where Louis and Harry have a lot of mutual friends but they don’t get along (mostly Louis doesn’t like Harry). One day, Louis turns up on Harry’s doorstep covered in blood and asking for help. (Inspiration: Prompt #126 from the BLFF 2021).

11) Spaces Between Us, Hold All Our Secrets | Not Rated | 6,441 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

The thing about Harry is, is that he is the most wonderful guy you´ll ever meet. He is kind, compliments you on things you are usually insecure about, which shows he truly pays attention to who you are as a person. And he befriends everyone. Except Louis.

12) Leave Like The Summer Breeze | Explicit | 6,551 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

When Louis and Zayn are stranded in Alabama, a farmer offers them shelter. He just asks for one thing in return.

13) Your Name Is Tattooed To The Bottom Of My Heart | Explicit | 6,613 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Prompt 114: a PWP where Louis gets an arse tattoo with Harry’s name for his birthday.

14) The Writing On the Wall | Explicit | 6,705 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

When BookToker Louis receives a gift basket filled with all his favorite sweets, wines, and stuffed animals alongside the new Harry Styles book, he's shocked at the story he finds in the pages.

15) We Can Follow The Sparks | Mature | 6,724 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

“I, uhm, this is gonna sound weird, but my friend is an ER doctor and he kinda taught me what to do in this kind of situation,” the man takes a step closer to Louis, “He said a close presence of an unmated alpha and light scenting should keep an omega from dropping, so I, uh, I can help you.”

16) Making A Mess In The Kitchen | Explicit | 7,336 words

Harry and Louis have sex in the kitchen at their work.

17) Muffins & Cigarettes | Mature | 7,591 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Louis pouts. “You can’t pout your way into this, Louis”, Harry said as he was fixing his tie, watch and rings glinting against the soft sunlight filtering through the window. “Of course, I can. Watch me.”

18) The Freak Called ‘Jezebel’ | Mature | 8,339 words

“Zayn!” Harry said the moment he got inside the room, his voice loud and clear as it touched the four walls of the room. His voice bellowing and ricocheting on their own without Harry raising his voice. Without hesitation, from where he’s sat in the sole incredibly detailed piece of architecture in the whole room, Harry calmly said, “I am going for a vacation.”

19) Hello, My Name Is Louis | Mature | 9,686 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Louis hurried to hang up the phone and take off his headset, throwing it away as if it was burning hot. He hugged himself by the shoulders and hid his face in his knees, sitting in his desk chair like a swimmer ready to dip into a pool, a pool of embarrassment. Not many people got past "Hello, my name is… " and even fewer engaged in a full conversation with him. And if they did, it usually went better than this.

20) Succubus | Teen & Up | 10,688 words

Harry couldn’t help but read the words loudly and when this make a demon apper in his bed calling him master and intitling itself his “sucubos” he have to figure how to deal with this little boy. “- Who are you? - the boy says confused looking at the boy in his bed who blinks his eyes slowly. - My name is Louis, you called me - he said melodious getting up and going to the alpha - I'm your succubus and I'm here to serve my master - he said falling on his knees and looking up - do you want something my lord? - he said and harry widened his eyes looking around.

21) Part Time Soulmates (Full Time Problem) | Mature | 12,072 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Sworn enemies Harry and Louis are soulmates. Everything is going smoothly until the pain hits.

22) Wait Until You’re Sure | Explicit | 13,042 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Prompt 465: Louis and Harry are best friends who made a pact. If neither of them has found love by the time they’re 30, then they’ll get married. It was all laughter and fun until Harry realizes they’re celebrating his 30th birthday and in a few months, Louis is gonna be 30 too. So, he struggles to find someone for Louis to avoid being together, but Louis just keeps rejecting all men Harry introduces to him (because he has feeling for him, of course), which really upsets Harry. They argue about that and Louis says something like “wow, it’s that bad to be with me?,” accepting that Harry simply doesn’t feel the same. Louis moves for a couple of months with another friend and Harry has all this time to understand his feelings, realizing that he loves Louis too and wants to be with him. But when he goes to tell him, Louis is already seeing someone else. So what’s Harry gonna do to get Louis back?

23) With Gilded Wolves On The Wall | Explicit | 13,300 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

The night was cold and bitter, much as he was. Though it was only early evening, darkness had already fallen over Winterfell, the snow a thick white blanket coating the grounds and the spires of the First Keep. It wouldn’t be Winter for a while according to his father, but Harry could tell that it now felt like it was on its way. The cold wind whipped his dark, tousled curls back and forth, biting at his cheeks until they were pink. He wrapped his fur lined cloak tightly around his tall frame to keep out the cold. It worked for the most part. “I won’t marry him,” Harry said into the night, his voice steady and confident; the exact opposite of how he felt. If he hadn’t known better, he’d have thought she left since he was only met with silence. Dead leaves rustled in the trees below like they were whispering their approval of his defiance against his family’s orders. “You will,” Anera replied calmly, her expression neutral.

24) Autumn At Fairbridge Hall | Mature | 14,438 words

It is October 1817. Mr Louis Tomlinson hosts an Autumn Ball and a Fox Hunting Party at his estate Fairbridge Hall, intending to find suitable husbands for his younger sisters.

25) Wedding Bells Will Never Ring For Me | Explicit | 14,807 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

After a failed proposal a few years back, Louis gets an unexpected invitation to his ex - Harry’s – wedding

26) In Deep Devotion | Explicit | 15,672 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

“I think the folk here think I’m an Omega,” Harry voices out loud. His suspicions began shortly after he arrived to Wright. Wherever he goes, this strange behavior follows. That type of treatment reserved for Omegas.

27) Bend The Rules | Explicit | 16,823 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Prompt 588: Lous hires a ‘ghost cooking’ service because his family is worried he’s not eating well and he wants to impress them by showing them what an amazing cook he’s become. The service includes sending a discreet cook to your house and have them get everything ready so that you only serve and take the credit. Problem is, his sisters (can be OCs if that’s more comfortable) get to his flat earlier than planned and the actual cook has to hide in the master bathroom for hours. Louis is mortified. The cook is amused and helps him to clean and well. Gives him a thorough service. Feel free to pick your fave as the cook.

28) Give My Heart A Holiday | Not Rated | 17,222 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

AU where Louis and someone else both like Harry but Harry obviously likes Louis and is oblivious to the other person with scenes like Harry’s sitting with his legs on the coffee table and the other person wants to walk across and Harry doesn’t see them, so they have to say excuse me, but when Louis wants to cross he doesn’t even have to say anything because Harry sits up, puts his feet down, and gives his undivided attention to Louis.

29) Wait For Me | Explicit | 17,454 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Moving to a new place always comes with a few challenges. For Harry, it’s trying to start over after his divorce, while still doing his best taking care of his son. Though just like every parent, he is not infallible, so some mistakes are bound to be made, settling into his new role as a single-dad. For his son, Davie, moving means he has to get used to all the changes happening in his life through no fault of his own. Discovering a secret passageway on their new property lets him form an unlikely friendship with the young man and his dog he finds on the other side.

30) Death Wish | Explicit | 22,067 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

Louis hates vampires, he lives his life trying to kill as many as he can, night after night, year after year. He hates them. Then why the fuck is he kissing one? Again. “I mean it, Harry.” Louis says, into his mouth this time. “You need to get the fuck away from me.”

31) When We Were Young | Explicit | 22,744 words

The one where Harry finally meets Louis again after 13 years of no contact. Could they move on from the past?

32) All Tumults And Feelings | Explicit | 24,458 words

Note: The main pairing is Louis/Carlos Sainz Jr. This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

The search for euphoria in a world that seems to be spinning out of control is perhaps what drove Louis to visit the heart of a city as vibrant as Barcelona. Everything is warm and bright on his holidays, even at night, where he finds solace in desperate lips and comfort in beautiful brown eyes that break his heart by making him realize that he has always been more fond of emerald tones covering the irises of his lovers.

33) There is Thunder in Our Hearts | Explicit | 39,649 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

1986, Hawkins Indiana. Stoner, nerdy, metalhead Harry Styles sells drugs to the boy of his dreams, seemingly perfect overachiever, head Cheerleader Louis Tomlinson. It wasn't supposed to become a Thing.

34) Define Me Again | Mature | 54,385 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

He's never felt so frightened in his life before, so fucking terrified for himself. And Louis. He looked down at their hands, which seemed to have been connected throughout the incident. He looked at the ring on Louis' hand, for the nth time that day. His heart hurt so bad now, he was terrified. He wanted to do so many things, he wanted to check on louis, if he- if he- God he couldn't even think about it. "Louis," he tried to whisper, but nothing but air came out from his mouth. "I love you, Harry," whispered a voice. But it was nowhere near him. Visions attacked his mind, rapidly flickering through like one would do the pages of a book. He was terrified. His entire life literally flashed in his mind, vision growing more and more weak and he fought unconsciousness. Memories and the picture of Louis lying unconscious in front of him altered and flickered, so rapidly that he felt dizzy with how fast his mind was whirring. What happens when you die? God he was so, so, so, fucking terrified. All his senses gave out, last thing he felt was Louis' hand in his and then, everything went black.

35) The Face Of Love’s Rage | Explicit | 67,421 words

Note: This fic was written for the Bottom Louis Fic Fest. Check out the full collection here.

“What if I tell you,” the princess said slowly, “I can get you five kingdoms and a lover?” Harry’s brows rose. “Only five?” he said mockingly. “And a lover. Don’t forget the lover.” “I have a lover.” “Do you?” the omega tilted her head, smiling, “I think right now, you have a consort, two friends, and a hostage. If you marry Julien, you will lose a friend and gain another hostage. Do you want him as a hostage or as a friend?” Harry’s temper was about to snap and break all hell loose. His hands itched to do something with the wild creature in front of him, with her untamed spirit that seemed to mock his authority and challenge his very presence. Abigail Tomlinson, with all her secrets and sins, defied not only his status, but everyone who dared to get in her way. Always making everyone aware that the only reason she was still there wasn’t because Harry let her, but because she wanted to be. Seven kingdoms, two sinners and one big secret.

36) Don't Change Me | Not Rated | 157,550 words

Once in every fifty years, the moon shines brightly over the town of Holmes Chapel for 24 hours. The moment it turns red, any alpha pack leader becomes incredibly and outrageously powerful. For approximately two hours until it subsides, the alpha has the power to change any secondary gender. For example, an alpha can turn another alpha into a beta or omega and so forth. It doesn't matter if the chosen person agrees or disagrees, they have no choice. Once the decision is made, there is no turning back. All it takes to seal the deal...is the alphas howl to the moon, proclaiming their intentions as they stand around a bonfire, where the change will take place immediately. How is Louis going to react when his best friend and alpha leader retracts his alpha status, turning him into an omega so they can mate? Especially when Harry doesn't talk to him about it first.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

You can find other monthly roundup fic rec lists here.

[dez78]

Caffeine & Couture

------------------------------

Fandom: Modern Baldur's Gate 3 AU

Pairings: Astarion x Fem Elf!Reader

Summary: I'm a middle-class elven woman; I own a coffee shop that also functions as library. I have a comfortable life; I live in my grandmother's bungalow that she left me before she tragically passed away from an incurable illness. My best friend Shadowheart and I are huge fans of Astarion Ancunín one of the richest male fashion designers of the century. I admire his work and wish to have my own fashion line one day. Sanguine Noir surpasses other designer brands in quality, creativity, and style. Astarion has made rivals of many companies over the years.

Notes: In this AU Astarion has a healthy relationship with intimacy and sexual encounters, but complications with trust, self-esteem, and manipulation. He worked for Cazador, his fashion mentor who belittled him, bullied him, and manipulated him to extort customers. Astarion has been free of his corrupted company for a century and has since surpassed Cazador's net worth by three million with his own company. A fashion company called Sanguine Noir.

Notes: This story takes place in 21st century New York, Uk and Europe are also mentioned in the story. All the races from Baldur's Gate are also present in this modern world.

------------------------

Chapter 1: Taste of Luxury

I sat on the couch, eating my Chinese takeout, all my favorites. Orange chicken, low mein, and egg rolls. I also had a 1 liter of coke on my coffee table, I had my feet kicked up as I flipped through the channels.

The Paris fashion show was on tv tonight, I wanted to see it. As I flashed through the channels, I landed on the boxing channel.

"And in this corner, we have the Big Mama K!" The announcer roared, Karlach came into camera view and pumped her fists in the air. I clicked again and again until I finally landed on the channel I wanted.

The event had just started, I set my remote aside and stuffed my face with low mein. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the familiar brand in the background, I nearly hopped out of my seat when Astarion Ancunín came on screen.

I was such a huge fan of his, I had every issue of his magazines and his styles on my Pinterest board. I even added some flair of my own to some of his designs, I knew he'd never see them, but I hoped one day to have my own fashion line. I loved my coffee library shop, but man, it would be a dream to be a fashion designer like him.

My eyes were glued to the screen as he started to get interviewed.

"Now, Mr. Ancunín. What theme have you gone with tonight?" The interviewer asked, Astarion's hypnotizing crimson eyes looked into the camera as he smirked that dangerous smirk, his voice velvety smooth like his gowns.

"I went with a dark romance theme, darling." He said with a dramatic flair,

"As is my official tagline, Elegance meets Darkness. I went with crimson velvet, blacks, lace, and intricate embroidery tonight." Astarion continued.

"There is nothing as timeless as gothic elegance and vampiric mystique, darling." He added with that smirk.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door,

"Coming!" I called as I jumped up, keeping my eyes on the screen. I opened my front door and Shadowheart crowded in with a bottle of wine.

"Did it start?" She asked,

"Yes!" I said excitedly as we hurried over to the couch and sat down, our eyes fixated on the tv screen.

"He's so gorgeous." Shadowheart whined as she popped open the bottle of wine, she was still in her EMT gear, didn't even bother to change after her shift.

"Right? He just announced a new line. It's on tonight." I said, my voice trembled with excitement. Shadowheart actually owns an outfit from Sanguine Noir. It was a gift from one of her exes. Since we were the same size, we switched it often. Wearing it at different times.

It is a thigh high, black satin dress with a V neckline that is embroidered with rubies on along the neck, and it has a drip effect like blood running while the back was low-cut with delicate crisscrossed black silk laces. It was a gorgeous dress.

Even the tagline was beautiful hauntingly so, 'Where passion meets power, and beauty draws blood.'

We watched as the show started, the other fashion lines started with their seasonal gowns and suits, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Dior, Chanel, Prada. Then came the moment Shadowheart and I were waiting for.

"Next we have the new line of gowns from Sanguine Noir, designed by Astarion Ancunín."

As usual the gowns were downright gorgeous. Blacks, golds, reds, velvet, satin, silk, capes, lace, and plenty of embroidery. Astarion didn't disappoint yet again; the dark gothic elegance and vampiric mystique was present in his Dark Romance line just as he promised.

Astarion's pieces were a bit of everything, 1920's glamour, 30's influence, 40's class, 50's edge, gothic elegance, vampiric mystique, and Victorian opulence, with a modern touch.

Minthara Baenre, Astarion's star model looked stunning in his new line. Bats, spider web motifs, rubies, and many other intricate designs and rich gemstones. Everything looked gorgeous on her figure.

"I want that one." I whined as I sipped my wine, Shadowheart sat back,

"Eh, it's not as stunning as that last one, that one was gorgeous!" She smirked. I laughed,

"Who are we kidding? It's all gorgeous." I snorted as I shook my head.

"On a serious note..." Shadowheart started, her voice was soft as she swirled her whine,

"Your birthday is this weekend, what do you want?" She asked. She looked up at me.

"One of those outfits." I laughed teasingly, Shadowheart let out a loud scoff,

"Something preferably more affordable." She said with a smirk.

"I'm just kidding." I told her,

"Seriously though, anything for the shop. Doesn't really matter what, more books, little decor pieces." I told her with sincerity.

"That I can do." Shadowheart laughed.

"Do you mind if I crash here tonight?" She added with a flush to her pale cheeks,

"Not at all." I replied with a smile. I handed her some Chinese food, I knew she was coming over, so I ordered extra, we ate and watched the models walking down the runway.

----------------------------------------

Later that night, the grand ballroom in Astarion's Paris chateau glittered with wealth and power, he was the one hosting the Gala tonight. The air thick with the mingling scents of expensive perfume and aged champagne.

The dual staircase was the focal point of the room along with the crystal chandelier that hung high above the stairs, illuminating the room. Smaller chandeliers were hung about as well as wall sconces.

The marble floors glittered with pristine shine and the walls homed many framed photos.

Butlers and maids walked around handing out expensive champagne and expensive wine called Sanguis Noctis, meaning blood of the night. It's a rich, velvety, and robust red wine. Then there was Luna Bianca meaning "White Moon" which is a delicate, floral and citrus tasting white wine. High end hors d'oeuvres were also handed out. Caviar, sweet and fiery pepper bruschetta, mini potato skins, crab cake bites, deviled crab dip, spicy strawberry-goat cheese crostini, spicy sweet potato crostini.

Astarion stood by a towering window, the city lights sparkling like stars beyond the glass. Dressed in a bespoke, sleek black three-piece suit from his own line, his crimson silk tie perfectly knotted, he looked every bit the icon his name had become.

His usually tousled curls were tamed and neatly combed into a handsome side part that brought out the charm even more. He even had some contour to highlight his perfect cheekbones and a small touch of eyeliner, enough to make his eyes stand out. Even elongated his eyelashes with a touch up of mascara. Astarion wasn't shy from making himself look presentable.

He needed to upkeep his image after all. Astarion's crimson eyes followed the beautiful people housed in his ballroom. A glass of only the richest fine wine money could possibly buy. Of course it was his from his Italian vineyard. Have you expected any less from Astarion Ancunín? The multimillionaire fashion designer.

"Ah, if it isn't the prodigal tailor."

The familiar voice, slick and condescending, made Astarion's jaw tighten for the briefest of moments before he turned, a practiced smile gracing his lips.

"Still slumming it with the mortals, plebeians and their lowbrow tastes. I see." Cazador drawled, a glass of wine cradled in his hand as he approached Astarion at the Gala.

Astarion’s sharp crimson gaze flicked over Cazador’s attire. The suit was unmistakably from Szarr Fashion, though its outdated cuts and ostentatious embroidery failed to impress in the current fashion climate. Astarion smiled, his fangs flashing just enough to remind anyone watching of the predator beneath the polished exterior.

"Ah, Cazador," Astarion purred, his tone as smooth as velvet.

"Always a pleasure to see the proprietor of... Szarr Fashion." He let the name roll off his tongue as if tasting something sour.

"You’ve truly mastered the art of making too much look like... well, not nearly enough." Astarion continued lazily waving his hand over Cazador's latest work.

Cazador’s jaw tightened, but he recovered quickly, smirking.

"And you, Astarion, have mastered the art of playing dress-up. A pity your little company, what is it called again? Ah yes, Sanguine Noir, has yet to achieve the gravitas of a legacy brand like mine." Cazador said, his tone dark.

Astarion laughed, it was light and mocking, he looked at his old mentor and spoke in a honeyed tone,

"Cute." He said with a sweet smile.

"You think your business is still truly up to date with today's fashion? The fashion of the 21st century, that's pathetic. And if you've forgotten Mr. Szarr, my net worth has surpassed yours..." Astarion explained, his voice biting.

"By three million." He smirked as he held eye contact.

Cazador’s eyes narrowed, his lips pulling into a sneer.

"Don’t forget where you came from, boy. Without me, you’d be nothing but a nameless, starving nobody."

Astarion let out a soft laugh, the sound as light and sharp as a blade.

"Oh, I could never forget. Your mentorship." He said, voice dripping with mock reverence,

"Taught me precisely what not to do. It's why my company thrives while yours..." He gestured vaguely with a gloved hand.

"Well, the whispers are hardly flattering, are they?" Astarion smirked deviously, referring to recent rumors of the Szarr's Fashion business being threatened with bankruptcy if things didn't change.

Cazador’s face darkened, his jaw clenching.

"Watch yourself. Empires rise and fall. Yours could be next."

Astarion stepped closer, his smile never faltering, though his crimson eyes gleamed with a dangerous light.

"Empires, perhaps. But mine is no empire—it’s a true legacy. Built not on deceit and bullying, but on artistry and trust. A concept, I admit, that might be foreign to you." He explained lazily inspecting his gloved hand.

"Stop pretending Astarion, you will never live up to my legacy as a true fashion entrepreneur. You're a disappointment." Cazador sneered trying to recover a bit of his dignity.

Astarion chuckled, low and rich.

"I’ve found that true legacies require more than a last name slapped onto mediocrity." His eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

"Tell me, how are the bankruptcy negotiations coming along? I imagine selling off Szarr Fashion piece by piece must be... humbling."

The barb hit its mark, but Cazador straightened, his sneer returning.

"Careful, boy. I built you, and I can tear you down just as easily."

Astarion leaned in, close enough that his whisper carried an edge only Cazador could hear.

"You didn’t build me, darling. You tried to break me. And yet, here I am." He stepped back, flashing a dazzling smile for the room.

"Do enjoy the rest of your evening, Mr. Szarr. I hear charity auctions are wonderful for companies in... desperate situations."

As Astarion sauntered away, heads turning in his wake, Cazador seethed, his once-commanding presence now a shadow beneath the weight of his fading empire.

Astarion turned for another moment tilting his head and offering a small, almost pitying smile.

"And Cazador, do try the canapés—they’re divine. Assuming, of course, you can afford to eat tonight." His smirk was disarming.

With that, Astarion turned on his heel, his stride confident and unhurried as he melted back into the crowd. Behind him, Cazador stood rooted in place, his fists clenched, a relic of the past watching the future stride away with grace and power.

"This wine is absolutely superb." A woman said, the taste was refined and truly exquisite, Astarion overhearing, smiled and approached her.

"Oh, you adore the wine, darling? How charming. It's from my vineyard in Italy, of course. I'd offer a bottle to send you home with, but I'm afraid it's not available to just anyone." Astarion smiled his charming, gorgeous smile, the one that made people forget their names.

-------------------------------------

The next few days were slow, my coffee shop business was decently paced. Gale Dekarios from the University came in and ordered his usual black coffee and muffin before going and grading papers from the recent exams. I sat in the back of the cafe, enough space for privacy, but not so much that I couldn't see the front counter.

I scrolled through various posts on Instagram, I sighed when I saw, yet another unboxing video featuring Sanguine Noir.

"Hey guys, I just ordered one of the new gowns from Sanguine Noir, the number 7 spot from the Paris fashion show a few days ago. It just came in the mail today." The influencer explained as she opened the sleek black, perfectly squared cardboard box, Astarion's signature packaging.

Sounds of wax paper ruffling could be heard as she opened it neatly. She pulled out the gown, I sighed, that was one of the many gowns that I loved. I furrowed my brows; it was something I could never afford.

I scrolled and saw one of Astarion's posts, I still haven't followed him, I've been too much of chicken shit, I have liked a lot of his videos and pictures though. This one I mindlessly clicked the like button.

"Hello darlings, I wanted to personally thank you for the recent abundance of orders since the fashion show. Sanguine Noir appreciates your love and support. Ta ta darlings." Astarion winked as he blew the camera a kiss, the video ended right after.

I sighed and put my phone away, I got up when a customer walked in, I put on my friendly smile and went up to the counter to take their order.

It was a simple coffee order, black with milk. I made it almost instantly, I took the money and put it in the till. I looked up and saw Gale's gaze on me, I sighed and went over to him, I plopped down, a disappointed look on my face.

"Why the grim look, Y/N?" He asked with a slight chuckle as he peered over the top of his glasses.

"Well, Astarion's new line just came out and it's all over social media, just reminds me that I'll never afford such luxury." I replied bitterly, my ears bending down, showcasing my disappointment. Gale laughed light heartedly.

"Luxury isn't everything, you know. You don't need fancy things to be happy." He told me, I rolled my eyes at him.

"Can't a girl sulk?" I complained, Gale only smiled at me as he continued to grade papers.

"You can, but don't let it rule your life." He replied, I sighed,

"I won't, I'll just wish that I was rich." I smirked. Sure, having lavish material things was a dream, but I was actually completely content with my simple life.

I enjoyed the simplicity of my current life. My little bungalow and my charming little Honda Civic that has seen better days. I didn't need or really want the lavish lifestyle. I wanted my own line, but I didn't want the fame that came with it. I didn't really like that kind of attention if I was being completely honest.

The most fame I have is my vlogs on my Instagram and even those, don't get a lot of views and I'm fine with that.

--------------------------------

The morning of my birthday started out slow, I woke up, got coffee and breakfast, before showering and brushing my teeth.

I was in the middle of applying my makeup when there was a knock on the door, I rushed to the front door and opened it. I stood there in my robe still and my towel still on my head.

"A delivery for Y/N Y/L?" The UPS driver said,

"That's me." I said, my breath hitched, I would recognize that sleek black box anywhere.

"I need you to sign here." The delivery man said, I nodded, my hand was shaking as I took the pen, I trembled as I signed for the package.

"Enjoy ma'am." He smiled as he took the clipboard and handed me the box. I took it and shut the door. I hurried to my bedroom. I immediately took out my phone and that's when I noticed a message from Shadowheart.

"Did you get your surprise yet?"

I immediately called her; she picked up after two rings.

"Shadowheart! You got me something from Sanguine Noir!?" I screamed excitedly,

"I did! I've been saving up for two years now. I was waiting for a special occasion. What better way to celebrate your 25th birthday?" She said, I could hear the smirk in her tone.

"Oh my god!" I wailed; tears welled in my eyes.

"I'll be over in about ten, I expect you to be wearing that when I get there." Shadowheart teased.

"I will, thank you so much!" I replied, still shaking.

"You're welcome." Shadowheart said, we hung up then. A small card was clipped to the top of the box. I took it and opened it,

"Also, I may or may not have sent Astarion an email of you wearing our favorite dress. ;)"

I gasped loudly. I bit my lip, I took out my phone, I took the towel off my head and my locks fell in waves. I opened Instagram live on my personal account, where I posted life updates and vlogs of my daily life, I had a decent following.

"Hey guys! My best friend has graced me with a huge present for my birthday. She managed to get me a piece from Sanguine Noir. I'm extremely thrilled and can't wait to open it." I said to my camera; my smile was huge.

Immediately comments flooded my live, all my friends congratulating me and telling me happy birthday. I turned the camera around and put it on my tripod, facing the bed. I opened the delicate packaging with care. The crimson and black tissue paper holding the garment was sealed with wax.

I carefully peeled it open, and it revealed the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. It was a deep red cashmere dress, knee length with a sweetheart neckline and off the shoulder sleeves that were long. The back of the dress was open, it was alluring, but still subtle. It also came with a belt, black in color with a bat as the buckle, it was adorned with rubies and diamonds.

I showed the camera the dress,

"I can't believe I finally own one! I can't wait to try it on, I will you post photos after this live!" I expressed my excitement, my eyes glittering with bliss. I turned off my camera and the live ended.

I immediately went and got dressed, I stripped my robe and got into the dress, it fit like a glove. It was tight but not restricting. It enhanced my figure significantly. Every curve looked beautiful. I smirked and twirled in my tall mirror as I looked at myself.

I grabbed a pair of my best black heels, strapped stilettoes. I put them on and they complimented the dress gorgeously. I twirled again. I grabbed my phone again and opened my camera.

I snapped plenty of pictures, posing and smiling, my excitement evident. I picked out the best ones and posted five of the best on my Instagram. My post being:

Y/NTav: I finally own a piece from Sanguine Noir, I can't believe it! <3 #SanguineNoir #VampireChic #DarkRomance #Luxury

I posted it and went to the box, I dug a bit and found another card, my heart skipped a beat. I turned it over; it was a black matte card with Astarion's logo on it.

I read it and my breath hitched. The writing was elegant and written in delicate cursive.

"My dearest Y/N,

Seeing you in my creation is nothing short of divine. You've given life to the dress in ways I could only dream of, and for that, I am truly grateful. You are a vision, my dear, and it is an honor to have you grace Sanguine Noir.

Welcome to the Sanguine Noir family, darling. Happy birthday.

With all my appreciation,

Astarion. "

I nearly fainted when I read the card. Shadowheart really did send him that photo. I knew exactly which one she talked about. My phone buzzed uncontrollably, I looked at it and my notifications were blowing up.

I scrolled through likes, comments, and tags. Someone even tagged Astarion himself in my post. I doubted he would reply, but it was nice to see that there was at least a chance. I set my phone down when the doorbell rang, I went to the door. I opened it and Shadowheart gasped.

"Y/N! You're beautiful!" She cried as she embraced me,

"Thank you so much! I can't believe you did this!" I cried,

"I thought you said you couldn't afford it!" I added. She shrugged with a smug expression,

"I only said that because it would have ruined the surprise." She replied cheekily. I hugged her again.

"Thank you so, so much." I trembled as I spoke.

"You're welcome." Shadowheart replied warmly. We went back into the house, and I finished up my makeup while Shadowheart did my hair.

--------------------------

After about thirty minutes of getting ready, I was done, and I looked even more beautiful. I looked at my phone and I had 20+ notifications, I scrolled through them and saw many comments and more likes.

Then I saw it, my eyes widened, and I nearly dropped my phone.

AstarionAncunínOfficial: You look stunning! Keep shining, darling! #Fashionispower #FashionisArt #SanguineNoirFamily #SanguineNoir

AstarionAncunínOfficial followed you.

I nearly screamed, Shadowheart right next to me did scream.

"Oh god! He followed you! He followed YOU!" She wailed excitedly as she shook me, I was still dazed as I read the notification. I couldn't believe it.

He actually followed me back and commented on my post. My heart drummed inside my chest. I felt my throat swell as the rush of emotions crashed into me. I just stared at my screen, still in utter shock.

[formulauno98]

Once Upon a Time in Abu Dhabi | Chapter Eleven

The final race of the season was always a spectacle, however, this season the tension was off-track.

Word Count: 8.8k

Warnings: Possible pregnancy

Author’s Notes: Disclaimer, purely fiction, no-one is married in this alt-universe.

Thank you to everyone who has read, commented and shown some love for this fic. It is finally finished! I have plenty more ideas in my head so watch this space!

WEDNESDAY AM

You’d discovered you were pregnant three days ago and were now back in the UK, packing for Abu Dhabi and in utter turmoil. You hadn’t told Toto as he’d jetted off ahead of you on the Monday so you hadn’t shared the news with a single soul. You’d told Rosie it was a bout of food poisoning mixed with exhaustion and she’d not questioned things further. 

Logically you knew you had landed yourself in this situation thanks to your own stupidity but you couldn’t help but feel unlucky. You’d had one slip-up where you’d not been careful and it had been a bullseye. Having gone to your local doctor in Oxfordshire, he had confirmed that you were three months along, meaning that you must have conceived in France. Ever since this revelation you had cursed French wine and Toto’s charm. You were never the type to not be careful and it just went to show that it only takes one time to change your life forever.

As you were a little way along you were already due to have a twelve-week scan but in your heart of hearts, you knew you couldn’t do it without telling Toto. You’d told the concerned doctor that you’d book it in once you were back from Abu Dhabi and discuss options moving forward. Time wasn’t on your side but you’d begun weighing up what to do and knew you had a short window in which you could decide whether or not to move forward with the pregnancy.

Packing was a challenge as although you were nowhere near debuting a baby bump, you’d put on a few pounds around your breasts and hips and nothing fit as it should. Prior to last week, you’d pegged it down to overindulging while travelling but now you weren’t so confident. Shaking your head as you put yet another too-small skirt back into your wardrobe you reached for a loose kaftan-style dress, hoping you wouldn’t stand out too much. You had a sponsor lunch with Toto the following day and you always made an effort to dress to impress. 

Sighing, you finished packing for what would be the final time this season and made your way downstairs to wait for the car that would take you to the airport. You were flying commercial with Sophie and knew everything always took longer than when you flew via private jet. 

THURSDAY AM

Having landed late on Wednesday evening you’d gone straight to your hotel room and straight to bed. Unusually, Toto was staying in a different hotel as the company travel department had had trouble squeezing the whole team into one hotel, leaving the team split in half. Fortunately, they had split the team by department so your direct reports were all nearby.

This meant, however, that you had to take a ten-minute taxi ride to meet Toto in his hotel lobby ahead of your sponsor lunch. He’d offered to pick you up but it would have meant him doubling back on himself as the restaurant you were going to was nearer to his hotel. As your car drew up to the front of his hotel you were apprehensive. You didn’t want to hide anything from Toto but equally, it was not fair to drop this news on him ahead of a business lunch or what was sure to be a tense and stressful weekend. You just had to sit it out for three days and not alert suspicions. Easy peasy.

Crossing the lobby you spotted your beau waiting for you, leaning jauntily against a marble column. As he met your eyes he broke out into a wide grin, obviously as happy to see you as you were him.

“Hey stranger,” he said, giving you an awkward pat on the shoulder before leaning down and whispering, “I want to kiss you but it’s frowned upon here.”

You giggled, Toto was always proper, “That’s fine, bold of you to assume I wanted to kiss you.”

“You’re so mean to me.” he said, before looking you up and down, surveying your outfit and adding with a smirk “Nice outfit by the way, are you trying to blend in with the locals?”

You narrowed your eyes, knowing that the breezy kaftan was not a typical you-outfit, “Perhaps, I fancied a change.”

Toto smiled, “I like it actually, you look very… elegant.”

Bursting out laughing, you replied, “Smooth save.”

Toto laughed, resting his hand on the small of your back, “Shall we go? Our car is waiting.”

“Sure, but no touching Mr., don’t want to give people the wrong idea,” you said, poking your tongue out.

“I’m helping you walk,” he said, chuckling as you made your way out of the hotel lobby.

– – – 

Fortunately for you, lunch passed quickly, with the sponsors agreeing to a new three-year deal, leaving you and Toto beaming. You’d been apprehensive about the meeting following on from the PR disaster that had hit the team last week but fortunately, the majority of suppliers accepted that it was a planted story. The deal was toasted with the same sparkling rosewater that the drivers would be spraying on the podium so luckily you didn’t even need to feign drinking.

As you made your way back to the car that would take you to Toto’s hotel, Toto’s phone rang.

“Do you mind if I take this, it’s my lawyer?” he asked.

“Of course, take it!” you said, “I’ll wait here.”

As you settled down on a cushy chair in the entrance of the restaurant, Toto made his way outside for some privacy. You were curious about what the latest was but knew that these kinds of things took time and it was likely just a courtesy call.

You took the brief reprieve to catch up on your emails and messages, your job busy as ever. You were grateful for your team, often fielding and solving issues before they even came to you, however, last week had been an unprecedented challenge and your inbox was still full of tabloid journalists looking for gossip.

As you typed yet another “No comment” response, Toto made his way back towards you, a wide smile on his face.

“Good news?” you asked, gathering your phone and notebook up.

“Yes and no.” said Toto, “The man in contact with Lara is one of the Red Bull senior management, so not Christian.”

Your eyes widened as you made your way out of the restaurant alongside Toto, “To be honest, I’m not surprised. Christian’s smart, if he did have anything to do with it, he would have gotten someone else to do his dirty work.”

“Exactly,” said Toto, deep in thought.

THURSDAY PM

Having wrapped another relentless media day, thankfully the last one of the season, you were now settled into Toto’s room for the evening, curled up on the balcony watching the glorious sunset, with a book in hand, while Toto took a shower. Thoughts raced through your mind at one hundred miles an hour, overthinking all of the possible scenarios that would follow you telling Toto your news. You’d known each other a while but hadn’t been romantically involved for that long and you had never even discussed whether Toto wanted any more children. You knew you had to tell him asap but finding the right time was going to be tricky.

“Y/N.” came a deep voice from the patio door.

“Hey, feeling better?” you asked, turning around to the easy-on-the-eyes sight of a shirtless Toto with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Yes, I feel human again.” he said, walking out onto the balcony and ducking down to kiss your forehead, “Sorry I was grumpy earlier.”

You laughed, patting his shoulder, “It’s okay, we all have those days.” Toto had been in a foul mood all afternoon, a culmination of being grilled by journalists about his private life and suffering in a long-sleeved shirt in the extreme Abu Dhabi heat. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” he asked with a grin, “Can I get you a drink?”

Suddenly in a panic, you replied hastily. “I’m fine with water, thanks.”

Toto raised his eyebrows, knowing that you normally loved a glass of wine after a long, difficult day. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes, I just have a small headache, I think I didn’t drink enough water today,” you said, hoping he’d buy it.

“Do you need paracetamol?” he asked, looking concerned.

“No, no,” you said, “I already took some, don’t worry.”

Still looking a little worried, Toto seemed to believe your cover story, “If you’re sure. I might get a beer if it’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” you said, laughing at his ever-impeccable manners. “Come join me, it’s nice out here with the breeze.”

“If you’re sure,” he replied, disappearing back into the room before promptly returning with a cold beer in one hand and a glass of water in another.

“Come here,” you said, scooching over on your sunlounger to make room.

“I’m not going to fit there!” he said, looking down suspiciously.

“You’ll just have to get cosy with me,” you said, batting your eyelashes.

“If I absolutely have to,” he said with a smirk, setting the drinks down on the side table and ducking down to lie down beside you, pulling you across onto his chest as he lay down on his back.

“This is nice,” you said, resting your head on his bare chest, feeling his heart racing.

“Mmm,” he said, pulling you closer and tracing circles on your hip. “I wish we could do this all day.”

Smiling, you felt his heart slowing down as he relaxed, “After tomorrow we can.”

Toto sighed, “I’ve never needed the break so badly.”

“I know, I don’t like seeing you so stressed,” you replied, feeling guilty that you were keeping a secret that would only add to his woes.

“You de-stress me,” he said, clutching you even closer.

“I try,” you said, feeling even worse.

FRIDAY AM

Having dozed off on the sunlounger, you and Toto had dragged yourselves to bed, falling asleep as soon as your heads hit the pillow. Waking up, you felt rejuvenated, you’d needed a peaceful sleep after the chaos of the last few weeks.  

Carefully extracting yourself from a still-asleep Toto’s arms (he loved a cuddle) you tip-toed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. You’d planned to head to the gym with Toto but life had other plans as you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. 

“Fuck.” you said out loud, turning sideways to see that your stomach had suddenly curved ever so slightly outwards overnight. It wasn’t enough to look like a bump but it was noticeable and you knew that your gym kit would leave no room to hide, raising questions.

“Everything okay?” asked a voice from outside the bathroom. Toto had obviously woken up and heard your cursing.

“Yes, just tripped over the bathmat,” you said, wrapping yourself in a robe and trying not to rouse suspicion as you opened the door to let Toto in. “By the way, I think I might skip the gym for a swim this morning.”

“Oh.” he replied, obviously a little disappointed that you wouldn’t be joining him, “Is everything okay?”

“Yep, all good.” you said, “I just don’t want to overdo it.”

“If you’re sure.” he said, “Maybe I could come for a swim with you?”

“No.” you blurted out, far more harshly than you intended.

“Just a suggestion,” he said, his eyebrows raising.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just know that you prefer the gym,” you said, making your way over towards him.

“Are you sure you are feeling okay Y/N? I’ve been worried about you since Brazil.” Toto replied, looking down at you curiously.

“I’m fine,” you said, stretching up for a quick kiss.

“If you’re sure,” said Toto, looking unconvinced.

– – – 

Toto had left for the gym, leaving you to deal with your latest problem. You felt guilty about lying to Toto about going for a swim but you needed peace and quiet to gather your thoughts. And more pressingly, figure out how you were going to fit into your normally snug-fitting Mercedes uniform. 

You’d tried stretching your trousers to fit but it seemed beyond the realms of physics that you were going to fit into them. Desperate times called for desperate measures and you called Rosie in a panic.

“Hey Y/N, what’s up?” she replied, sounding somewhat sleepy.

“Morning Rosie, I am sorry to call you but I have a small emergency,” you said.

“Shit, what’s happened now,” she said, suddenly sounding much more lucid.

“Oh no no, nothing bad, don’t worry. Basically, I’ve gained a few pounds and my uniform doesn’t fit. Could I possibly borrow your spare set?”

At that, Rosie burst out laughing. You could hear George stirring awake in the background, inquiring as to who was calling so early. “That’s the emergency? Sure I’ll come over. Are you in Toto’s hotel?”

“Yep, room 754.” You said, “Thank you so much, you are a lifesaver.”

“I’ll be right there,” she said, hanging up.

– – – 

Not five minutes had passed when there was a gentle knock on the door. Rosie was once again to the rescue.

“Morning,” you said as you opened the door to a bleary-eyed Rosie sporting her pyjamas and a Mercedes-branded tote bag.

“Morning,” she replied sleepily, stepping into the room. “So I have two different sizes of uniform and I brought them both.”

“Oh my God, Rosie you are a lifesaver, thank you thank you.” you squealed as she handed you two pairs of trousers and two shirts, “Can I try both?”

“Sure,” she said kindly, “I’m sure the smaller set will be better since you’re much smaller than me.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” you said furtively, heading into the bathroom.

“Well, you know what they say about people in relationships,” she said, from outside the door.

“Huh?” you replied, sticking your head out as you struggled with the smaller pair of trousers.

“You pile on the pounds when you’re happy,” she said laughing.

Grimacing, you wriggled around, fighting the waistband “I must be super happy then, looks like it will be the bigger pair.”

“Sheesh! You really have piled on the pounds,” said Rosie, before backtracking when she saw your face drop, “I’m just joking, oh my gosh I would kill to look like you!”

Struggling to fight back the tears, you decided it was now or never to spill, “Rosie, don’t freak out.”

Now it was Rosie’s turn to say “Huh?” your best friend and confidant looking curiously at you. “What’s wrong Y/N?”

“I’m pregnant.” you blurted out.

Rosie’s face went through a full circle of emotions as she processed the news, her initial shock turning into a smile that then dropped as she considered the ramifications. “Are you sure?”

“Yep.” you gulped, “Remember in France, when I had the scare and then in Brazil when I wasn’t feeling well and you made me go to the medic?”

“Fuck, I knew something was up!” said Rosie, so shocked that she’d had to take a seat on the ottoman at the foot of the bed.

“Yep,” you said, tears now fully flowing as you sat down beside her in your still unbuttoned too-small trousers.

“Oh love, it’s going to be okay.” she said, putting her arm around you, “What did Toto say?”

“Nothing… I haven’t told him yet,” you said bashfully.

“You haven’t told him?” Rosie asked incredulously, “You need to tell him Y/N!”

“I know, but there hasn’t been the right moment,” you said.

“Aw Y/N, don’t cry, you’ll make me cry!” said Rosie, her eyes starting to well up, “He’ll be happy, the way he looks at you, I just know it.”

“I’m not sure.” you said, stealing yourself slightly as you dabbed away your tears with your sleeve, “He already has two children, he might be done.”

Just as Rosie was about to say something the door opened.

“Oh hi Rosie, is everything okay?” said a worried-looking Toto, looking from you to Rosie and back again, clearly clocking the fact that you were both crying.

“Yes yes,” she said, wiping away her own tears, “I just had some bad news and needed a shoulder to cry on.”

Toto’s face dropped, he was as fond of Rosie as you were, “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, it’s okay, Y/N helped me out. Thank you though, you two are the best,” Rosie said, dutifully lying on your behalf. She was selling her story and if you weren’t so fraught with worry and in tears, you’d be impressed by her acting abilities.

“If you’re sure,” said Toto, still looking at you both suspiciously.

“Yep, I had better get going. I’ll see you later,” she said, getting up and squeezing your shoulder lightly.

“See you, Rosie. Let me know if I can help with anything else” you said quietly, not trusting your ability to hold back more tears. It was a flaw of yours that once you started crying you always found it hard to keep it together.

“Will do,” she said, closing the door behind her.

“Is she okay?” asked Toto, sitting down beside you, before adding “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, all good, we sorted it. Just girl stuff, don’t worry,” you said, smiling weakly, leaning on his shoulder and sighing.

“Did George do something? Do I need to have a word?” he asked.

“No, no nothing like that!” you said, not wanting to raise further suspicion, “Rosie said she’d speak to him.

“Well I hope everything is okay with them,” said Toto stoically.

“Yeah, just young love!” you said, snuggling closer, lost in your thoughts.

– – – 

The morning passed without further incident, thankfully Rosie’s larger uniform set fitting perfectly as you once again navigated the paddock during the Free Practice sessions. In an interesting turn of events, Christian Horner’s PA had requested to set up a meeting that afternoon between the two warring Team Principals and you were intrigued why.

“Why would he want to meet with you one-on-one?” you asked Toto as you sat in his office post-Free Practice Two.

“I’m not sure and I don’t like there not being a lawyer,” said Toto, crossing his arms opposite you.

“Are you going to go?” you asked.

“I will see what he has to say,” said Toto, frowning.

“Hmm, if it gets contentious just leave,” you said, half concerned, half curious.

“Of course.” said Toto, leaning across the desk towards you, “I’m so tired of this bullshit Y/N.”

Surprised by Toto’s admission, you retorted, “Are you talking to me as your Director of Communications or as your girlfriend?”

“Both.” said the weary Austrian, “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I love the racing but the rest, it’s like being in Kindergarten.”

Your eyes sympathetic, you leaned forward, “You’ll feel better after the break.”

“I hope so.” he said, “I’m excited for you to meet my family”

“This is definitely girlfriend territory,” you said with a grin, “And I am too, I hope they like me.”

“They will love you,” said Toto, smiling widely, “Just like I do.”

Melting under his chocolate brown gaze, you smiled back. Although you always promised each other to keep your work and personal lives separate, stolen moments like this were special.

“Well, I suppose I had better go and see what he has to say,” said Toto with a sigh, getting up from his chair.

Following suit, you made your way out of Toto’s office to return to your own, wishing Toto luck as he made his way down the stairs towards his rival’s hospitality area. “Good luck, let me know what he says,” you said.

“Will do, see you later,” Toto replied, clearly a little apprehensive about his meeting.

– – – 

Having been on tenterhooks waiting for Toto to return from his meeting you were increasingly anxious as the twenty-minute meeting dragged on for an hour, and then another. You had almost given up waiting and returned to the hotel when your phone buzzed.

Sorry we took a while, could you please come and join us? X

Surprised that Toto was inviting you to join, you hurriedly typed a reply and made your way towards your paddock neighbours.

Entering the Red Bull hospitality area you could feel the unfriendly looks directed towards you, you were in enemy territory and they made sure you knew it. Approaching the coffee station, you hedged your bets that their catering staff might be somewhat friendly.

“Hi,” you said with a smile at the girl behind the counter.

“Oh hi, can I help you?” she said, a funny look on her face.

“Yes, I’m here to meet Christian Horner, where might I find him?” you asked, trying to stay polite.

She frowned, “But you’re from Mercedes, no?”

“Yes, he’s asked to see us, he’s currently in a meeting with my boyf… colleague and asked for me to join.” You couldn’t believe the timing of your slip-up, so much for not mixing business and pleasure.

“Oh, so you’re the one Toto Wolff is sleeping with!” she exclaimed rudely. “He’s just upstairs, first door on the right.”

Ruffled by her words, you decided to not dignify her with a response and made a beeline for the stairs before anybody else could add their witty remarks.

Taking a deep breath, you knocked on the first door on the right, apprehensive about what you were walking into.

“Come in.” said a voice you recognised as Christian Horner.

Opening the door, you were surprised to see the two sworn enemies sitting opposite one another in armchairs, beers on the coffee table in front of them.

“Y/N, thank you for joining us, have a seat!” said Christian, standing up to greet you with a warm smile and a handshake before gesturing at the armchair beside Toto, “Can I get you a beer?”

“That’s okay, thank you,” you said, eyeing up Toto curiously. “Hey boss.”

“Hi,” he said somewhat awkwardly.

“You two lovebirds get a room…” said Christian, chuckling as he settled back down across from you, before noticing your thunderous glare and quickly adding, “Relax, I’m kidding.”

“So what do I owe this pleasure?” you asked.

Christian shifted slightly, “So I have been telling Toto all of this but wanted to talk to you as well. I wanted to apologise for the pain my subordinate has caused you, it’s not okay and I know that I like to rile up Toto every now and then but this season I took it too far, made it too personal and wanted to say sorry to you both.”

Your eyes widened, this is certainly not what you had expected. Christian Horner apologising was like hell freezing over. “Wow, well there’s a lot to unpack there,” you said.

“I know, that’s why we have the beers.” said Christian, “Firstly, I want you to know that I have sacked the member of staff who worked with Toto’s EA on the smear campaign. I am ashamed that someone under my leadership would sink so low and rest assured we will support you in any investigation or impending court case.”

Stunned into silence, you turned to Toto, “Is this true?”

“Yes,” he replied, “We’ve been discussing the finer details but I believe Christian when he says he didn’t know what was going on.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Christian continued, “Look, our car coupled with Max is good. We don’t need to resort to dirty tricks to make you guys look bad. We can do it on track.”

“There’s the Christian we know and love,” you said with a smile, making the two men chuckle.

“I have given Toto the member of staff in question’s laptop and phone plus passwords to aid any investigation.” he replied proudly, “I also want to say sorry for my behaviour at last week's press conference. I had no idea someone from my team was perpetuating rumours and I was just messing around. I know you both know about my relationship with Gina and I lashed out after Toto threatened me.”

“Apology accepted,” interjected Toto.

You were in shock. “Really?” you asked, whipping your head around towards your beau.

“Yes, life’s too short.” said Toto, “We have a plan. And this is why I wanted you here.”

“I’m all ears,” you said.

“We know this will not stay quiet, you of all people know what the paddock is like. So we were thinking the best approach is to make a joint statement.” started Christian.

“Saying what?” you interjected sharply.

“Detailing everything that happened, it’s a juicy story, the press will love it,” he replied.

“And you agreed to this?” you asked Toto.

“I’d rather people know the truth,” he said with a sigh.

“What do you need me for then?” you asked.

“Toto said you’d know how to handle this,” said Christian expectantly.

“Well, this is not how I’d go about this but if it’s what you want to do, let’s go for it,” you said.

“What would you do?” asked Toto.

“Let it blow over, forget it ever happened, this clears Christian’s name more than it does yours,” you said.

“Yes, but I also want to rise above it, and put an end to this silly rivalry,” said Toto.

“Then let’s do it,” you said, with a smile.

– – – 

Having spent far more time than intended in the Red Bull motorhome, you emerged in the paddock under the cloak of darkness. Probably for the best as the moment team rivals were seen liaising, the rumour mill always went whirring.

“That was interesting,” you said to Toto, diving next door to collect your bags.

“I was surprised.” mused Toto, holding the door open for you.

“I think he was scared you might retaliate,” you said as you made your way up the stairs to your office.

“I agree,” said Toto, following you into your office.

“Do you not need to get your stuff?” you asked.

“Yes, but first I wanted to do this,” he said, taking a step forward to cup your face with his large hands and catch your lips in a soft yet passionate kiss.

“Toto,” you started before he promptly followed up with a second, equally searing kiss.

“I have something I need to tell you,” Toto said, shifting his weight nervously.

“What’s wrong Toto?” you said, concerned by what he was about to say.

“Nothing is wrong. I just need to get this off my chest. Look, I’m old, and before you say anything, yes I am. I am too old to be running around the world like this.”

“I’m not sure I like where this is going…” you said.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ve achieved everything I ever dreamed of… and more… and it’s time for someone else’s turn. One more year and I’d like to retire, stay as an investor, maybe even an advisor, but less hands-on.”

You were stunned, “So one more year, then retirement?”

“I understand if it means you don’t want to tie yourself down to an old man,” Toto said sadly.

“What planet are you on?” you said, looking him dead in the eyes, “Of course I want to be with you, whatever you do.”

Toto’s eyes lit up, “That makes me very happy. I have thought a lot about this and maybe it’s a good thing, if you wanted… actually, never mind.”

“What would I want?” you asked, curious where this was going.

All of a sudden Toto began to blush. “Forget it, we can talk again when we get there.”

“Okay,” you said, rolling your eyes. Sometimes Toto could be infuriating.

SATURDAY AM

You woke up early on Saturday morning, once again before Toto. Stretching, you made your way out to the balcony to get some fresh air. Thankfully the waves of nausea had seemingly stopped and you were feeling much better. You knew you had to tell Toto sooner rather than later but were not sure how to even broach the subject.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a phone ringing from inside the room and you dashed to pick it up before Toto woke up. 

Seeing the caller ID, you picked up, keeping your voice low, “Hey Rosie, how’s it going?”

“I’m okay thanks, just wanted to check in on you. Did you manage to speak to Toto?” she asked.

Checking he was still sound asleep, you settled on the sofa in the sitting area of the room, “No, not yet, I think it’s best to wait until Monday, once the season is done and dusted. He doesn’t need any more stress.”

“Yeah you’re right.” said Rosie, “As long as you are okay though. Have you thought any more about what you want to do?”

You sighed, “As amazing as it would be, realistically, travelling around the world in such a demanding job with a baby is totally unrealistic.”

“True.” replied Rosie, “But what would Toto say?”

“Of course he’s a stand-up guy but he’s busy with the races, do you really think he’ll want to be dealing with a newborn baby on race weekends?” you replied, looking up to see a shocked-looking Toto sat up in bed. “Is it okay if I call you back Rosie?”

“Sure, and don’t stress!” she said.

As you gingerly ended the call you could barely look Toto in the eye, “How much of that conversation did you hear?”

“Enough to understand.” he said, a serious look on his face, “What is she going to do?”

“What do you mean she?” you asked.

“Rosie, she’s pregnant, no?” he said, getting up out of bed to join you on the sofa.

“Fuck.” you said, “I didn’t want you to find out this way but it’s not Rosie, it’s me. I’m pregnant Toto.”

The blood drained out of Toto’s face as he computed what you had just told him. “With me?”

“No, with Christian. What do you think?” you said, looking at him exasperatedly, “It was that one time in France, we weren’t careful and work got so busy, I never got the pill. I’m so sorry Toto.” 

Toto rubbed his hands through his hair in exasperation as he processed the news, “This is a lot.”

“I know, that's why I was waiting to tell you until after this weekend,” you said, putting your arm around his wide shoulders. “I know it's a lot to take in, If you want we can talk about it on Monday, what we’re going to do.”

“Well, what do you want?” asked Toto, still looking shaken.

“I don’t know honestly. I love you but this is so new. I hope one day to have children but I’m not sure. How would we juggle this with a baby?“ you said with a sigh.

Toto suddenly looked more animated, “You want to have children?”

You sighed, staring into your lap, “Yes Toto, and I know we’ve never talked about it. I’ve been too scared. I know you already have been there, done that and probably don’t want to do it again.”

Toto stared at you intensely before answering, “What would make you think that? I love my children and I always regretted not having more.”

Your mouth gaped open, was he really saying he wanted more children? “But what about us? This is new, is it not too soon?”

“Y/N, we’ve known each other for some time now. Yes we haven’t been romantically involved for a long time but I know you well enough to know how much I admire you as a woman, as a human.” said Toto, suddenly taking your hand in his, “I don’t want to rush you as I know you have your career but one day I would like to have children with you.”

“I feel the same way, Toto,” you said firmly, turning to face him, “Are we seriously doing this?”

Toto’s eyes lit up, “Only if you want to?”

“Of course I want to!” you said, grinning.

“Then let’s do this.” said Toto, looking happier than he had done in months before he turned to you and planted a kiss squarely on your lips before reaching out to rest his palm on your stomach, “I can’t believe it, we’re going to have a baby.”

“The one time we weren’t careful!” you said with a dry smile, placing your hand on Toto’s. Although it wasn’t ideal timing, you did feel lucky.

“Well, I am efficient in all my work,” said Toto with a dry grin.

You playfully slapped his chest, “You are such a nerd.”

“And now you’re carrying my child.” said Toto smugly, “You love nerds.”

“I do love nerds.” you said, “Big, old, Austrian nerds.”

“Not too old!” said Toto, still looking pleased with himself. “You’ve made me the happiest man in all of Abu Dhabi.”

Unable to stop smiling, you looked at him fondly, “You’ve made me happy too. I know we have a lot to talk about and work out but let’s just enjoy this weekend and we can figure things out on Monday?”

“We can talk now, we have some time.” said Toto, a serious air suddenly about him, “Logically, it makes sense for you to move in with me.”

Your eyes widened, “You want me to move in with you?”

“Of course,” said Toto, “If we are doing this, we’re doing it properly.”

You smiled, reaching up to kiss his cheek, “Let’s do it then.”

“I know this is the future but do you remember what I told you last night?” asked Toto.

“That you want to retire after next year?” you asked, unsure of where he was going with this.

“Yes,” he said, “I was going to suggest that if children were in our future, I could be a stay-at-home Dad if you wanted to return to work. I’ve had my time, it’s time for yours.” he looked down before adding shyly,  “Only if you want of course.”

Shocked by this admission, you took a moment to find the words, “You’d already thought about kids?”

“Do you remember when Bono brought his children into the garage back in Silverstone?” Toto asked.

“Yes, why?” you said.

“I saw how you were with them and thought you’d make an excellent mother. Then my mind wandered, and I started to think about what if we had children together.” Toto looked slightly embarrassed by his admission.

“That’s what you were going to say? Jesus Toto. I thought you were going to break up with me.” you said, having been confused by his tone the previous night.

“No, quite the opposite actually,” he said, his cheeks reddening. “Maybe this is a sign.”

You looked at him puzzled, “A sign for what?”

“Let’s wait and see,” he said with a wink, 

SATURDAY PM

Now at the trackside motorhome, nervously watching the last quali of the season you took a moment to reflect on the conversation you’d had with Toto that morning. You’d been reticent to tell him your news but now that it was out in the open you felt as if a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. You never could have dreamt how well Toto took the news and the fact that he had been considering the prospect of a future with you filled you with good vibes.

A knock on your office door interrupted your train of thoughts.

“Come in,” you called out before the door opened to reveal Rosie.

“Hey Y/N, is now a good time?” she asked, pausing in the doorframe.

“Of course,” you said, smiling widely. You hadn’t had time to catch up with Rosie since telling Toto and you were once again glad you had a confident.

Closing the door behind her, Rosie took a seat on the small sofa across from your desk. “Was everything okay this morning?”

“Yes,” you said, “But Toto overheard our conversation…”

Rosie went white. “Fuck, and what did he say?”

You chuckled, “Well first of all he thought it was you and George and threatened to come and sort George out.”

Rosie giggled nervously, “Of course he did. Did you tell him it was you?”

“Yes,” you said with a smile, “And he’s happy.”

Rosie’s face finally dropped into a wide grin, “I knew he would be! I’m so happy for you both!”

“Thank you.” you said, “Obviously we’re keeping it quiet for now as it is still early days.”

“Of course.” she said, “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”

“No,” you said, “We can find out at the next scan or we can have a surprise.”

“Ooh.” she said, “What are you thinking?”

“Not sure yet, I kind of like the idea of a surprise,” you said with a small grin. “Toto already has one of each so either way we’ll be happy.”

“Aw this baby is going to be beautiful.” said Rosie, “I’m so excited.”

“Well I hope they get Toto’s height.” you said, “Especially if he’s a little boy!”

“I think it’s a girl,” said Rosie, crossing her arms confidently.

“Do you?” you said, “I think it’s a boy.”

“Interesting.” she replied, raising her eyebrow, “I’m normally good at guessing and I just think you look more like you’re having a girl.”

“Scientific.” you said with a laugh, flicking your eyes back to the screen where you were watching quali, “We’d better get down to the garage, Q2 is getting underway.”

– – – 

Standing in the garage, headphones on, eyes locked on the small screen with a plethora of graphs and data, you glanced at Toto out of the corner of your eye. He hadn’t stopped smiling all day and quali was adding to his good mood. Lewis and George had both made it through to Q3 and Mercedes was on track for a front-row lockout as long as Max Verstappen didn’t put in a last-minute unbeatable time. 

As the clock ticked down, you dared hope that he wouldn’t, but in typical Max style, the Dutch driver managed to find almost a second where no one else could and pipped Lewis to the post for P1. Applauding your team’s efforts, you looked at Toto who was beside you, continuing to grin. Noticing you looking, he stretched an arm out towards you, scooping you towards him for a celebratory half-hug before remembering that cameras were everywhere and then doing the same to a less enthusiastic Bono.

“P2 and P3, we are on for a podium tomorrow,” he said clapping his hands together as he addressed the team, “Well done everyone and thank you. One last push.”

SUNDAY AM

Waking up bright and early, the sun flaring through the curtains you couldn’t believe it was the last race of the season. Toto’s arms were wrapped around you protectively and knowing that he had a vice-like grip while sleeping, you had no choice but to snuggle in further. As your alarm sounded you felt Toto stir, clutching you ever closer.

“Good morning,” he said groggily as he pressed a kiss to your temple before stretching his long arm across you to turn off the alarm.

“Morning,” you said, smiling at his sleep-rumpled hair.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he said, half asleep, one eye still closed.

“No reason,” you said, kissing his neck in the spot you knew he loved.

“I don’t trust you,” he said smirking, before reaching his free arm around to caress your stomach. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” you sighed, “Not what I thought would happen when I first met you.”

Toto quirked an eyebrow, “What did you think would happen?”

“When you walked in on me changing…hmm let me think, that you were some old perv?” you replied teasingly.

Blushing slightly, Toto chuckled, “Not my finest hour admittedly. But I still managed to woo you, now look at us.”

You laughed, “Yep, irresistible charm.”

“I knew it.” replied Toto with a smile, “As soon as I saw you I thought to myself, she’s the one.”

“And all it took was a seethrough bra?” you said laughing.

“I actually thought you had lovely eyes,” said Toto, deadpan before bursting into laughter and squeezing your hip.

“Sure sure,” you said, cuddling up. “Toto?”

“Yes,” he said burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“Logically speaking, what are we going to do?”

“What do you mean?” he replied, muffled against your hair.

“Realistically I am going to be out of action for a bit. It’s not ideal timing. I’ll have to stop working halfway through next season.”

“Shhh.” said Toto, rocking his hips gently into you, “We’ll plan on Monday. For now, let me enjoy this moment.”

Slightly worried at Toto’s uncharacteristic laissez-faire attitude, you shrugged, “Sure, but don’t moan at me when I’m giving birth in the paddock.”

Toto laughed, “You’re so dramatic!”

“Says you!” you laughed.

“I didn’t think about the timing.” said Toto, pausing before adding, “We will work it out. Don’t worry, trust me”

“Trusting you is what got me into this mess Mr Wolff,” you said playfully.

“It takes two to tango,” replied Toto, hugging you tighter, his large hand still palming your stomach gently, “Right, we need to get out of bed, but I don’t want to.”

“Me neither,” you said, burying yourself further under the covers.

Kissing you once more on the forehead, Toto eased to sitting up before extracting himself from the tangled mess and making his way over the background. “Team orders, get out of bed.”

Laughing, you resurfaced, “Just one of the many perks of sleeping with the boss.”

Toto peered around the door and quirked an eyebrow, “You weren’t complaining last night.”

Rolling your eyes you sat up, “Toto…”

Looking mischievous he retorted, “You know I was thinking, since it’s the last race of the season, would you like to make a bet?”

Folding your arms, you replied, “Depends what the wager is.”

“If Lewis wins, I get to name the baby.”

“So if George wins, I get to pick huh?” you asked, not sure where this was going.

“Exactly. I have some great ideas already,” said Toto, still hanging around the doorframe.

“And what might those be?” you asked.

“Paul. After Paul Ricard,” he said, hardly able to contain his giggles.

“You are such an idiot,” you said, getting up out of bed gingerly, making your way towards him.

“It makes sense, hear me out. It’s where it all started,” he said, grabbing your hip and pulling you in close.

“Absolutely not. What if she’s a girl?”

“Paula,” he said flatly before bursting out laughing. “Okay, how about this, Niki?”

Shaking your head you kissed Toto on the cheek before breaking his grip to make your way into the bathroom and get ready for the day.

SUNDAY PM

Halfway through the race disaster had struck in your rival’s camp. Red Bull had had issues undoing one of Max Verstappen’s wheels, leaving them with an abnormally long pitstop. It didn’t give Mercedes a huge edge but fortunately, he was released into grid traffic and it was enough to halt his return to the front of the grid. It was now Lap 56 of 58 and Lewis was in the lead, George not far behind.

The Mercedes garage was silent, knowing that the team had a real last-minute chance of snatching back the Constructors Championship, something that had narrowly evaded you all season. You could hardly breathe as the lap count went down. 57, 58, Max Verstappen struggling to make it back up the field. 

After what felt like an eternity, the chequered flag was being waved. Lewis was P1 and George P2. The garage erupted into cheers, Toto grabbing you suddenly and kissing you as if his life depended on it, oblivious to the hundreds of cameras trained on him.

Breaking the kiss, you could feel eyes on you. Blushing, you saw the team around you looking half horrified, half amused by the sudden public display of affection.

Leaning in to hug Bono, he had a twinkle in his eye, quipping “He better not try that with me.”

Laughing you hugged him tightly, before retorting “Oh, I’ll be having words with him later, don’t worry.”

Surrounded by your colleagues you lost track of the amount of people you hugged and kissed in celebration, all the while beaming at your increasingly animated beau. Toto was an emotional man and you could read him better than anyone else. You knew the Constructors Trophy meant the world to him and you hoped that he’d let loose later that evening.

LATER THAT EVENING

Sat at a low table, surrounded by your close colleagues you couldn’t help but laugh at your thought train earlier. Toto had proceeded to let loose and then some, crowd surfing, drenching himself and everyone around him in champagne before belting out increasingly horrendous renditions of songs he barely knew the words to. 

Smiling and glancing over to Toto lighting up the dancefloor, you sipped contently on your lemon water. It had been a truly wild ride of a year, with some serious ups and serious downs. One thing for certain was that you had fallen well and truly for the man before you.

Beside you, Rosie was looking less fondly at her other half. “What is wrong with him?” she said, gesturing across at George who was separate from the crowd and spinning around with his arms outstretched, not a care in the world.

“Aw, let him be,” said Bella, “He looks happy.”

“I suppose.” said Rosie, sighing, “I can’t believe even Toto is so far gone.”

“I can believe.” you said, laughing, “It’s been a tough year, he needed this.”

“Well it can’t have been easy for you either, I’m surprised you’re not dancing up there with him,” said Bella.

Rosie shot you a knowing glance, well aware that she was the only person besides Toto who knew the reason why you weren’t celebrating with drinks.

“Ah, no, I can’t do it in this heat,” you said, hoping she’d buy it.

“I know what you mean…” said Bella, fortunately not questioning you any further as a very drunk Lewis Hamilton came sidling up to your table.

“Y/N, come dance!” he said, holding out a hand as an invite.

“I’m not sure I’m very good!” you protested with a sigh.

“C’mon,” he said, “Toto is missing you.”

Shaking your head you eased up from the low sofa, making sure to conceal your very slight bump with a well-placed arm.

Grabbing Lewis’ hand, you followed him through the throng of merry Mercedes team members to the centre of the dancefloor.

As you bumped along to the music, allowing Lewis to spin you around, you caught Toto out of the corner of your eye. He shot you a smile before mouthing “Are you feeling okay?”

You felt a rush of affection for him as even in his inebriated state he wanted to take care of you. Mouthing back “All good,” you continued to dance with Lewis, content to bop along.

“So. Can I be Godfather?” asked Lewis, sidling up to you and whispering in your ear, just loud enough for you to hear over the pumping music.

Your eyes widened, he clearly wasn’t as drunk as you’d surmised, “How did you know?”

“You’re not drinking, Toto kept putting his hand on your stomach earlier and he keeps looking over to check on you every five seconds.” said Lewis, “And that doesn’t answer my question.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” you said. “And maybe. If you’re nice to me, and to Toto!”

Crinkling his eyes in a smile, Lewis scooped you into a bear hug, “I’m so happy for you both. This is beautiful man.”

EPILOGUE - TWO YEARS LATER

And beautiful it was. Having wrapped the eventful season your relationship with Toto had gone from strength to strength as you prepared for the birth of your baby. You’d met Toto’s family, including his children, something you had been incredibly nervous about. Fortunately, they had welcomed you with open arms and were eager to meet their new baby brother or sister. 

In turn, Toto had met your family, and although apprehensive at first due to the age gap, it hadn’t taken long for him to win them over. Although life hadn’t exactly gone as you’d planned, everything had quickly fallen into place.

Two years on from that fateful season you were living in Monaco with Toto and your toddler daughter, Sunny. The baby name debate had raged on but eventually, you’d settled on the unusual moniker, chosen as a nod to the city where you’d first met, Miami. 

Time had well and truly flown by and some days you could hardly believe it. You continued to work with the team, in your role that you now shared with Rosie, meaning that you only travelled to half the races. Toto had also taken a step back, passing over some of his Team Principal duties to Senior members of the team, allowing him to focus on the business side of things. 

As promised to the board on those fateful calls where you had to fight for your job, you’d brought on more ethical sponsors, brought more money and all-in-all improved the team for the better. Robert still continued to grumble but was always quickly silenced by numbers and statistics.

Your latest project was planning a farewell to the man who everyone knew would be going down in history as the greatest of all time. Lewis. Not an easy feat, he had fortunately entrusted you with his intent to retire before anyone else so you’d had plenty of time to plan. Over the years he had become a close friend and you wanted to do him justice. Now a nine-time WDC, Lewis was retiring to start a family of his own, something you knew he would excel at. True to your word, you and Toto had asked him to be Sunny’s Godfather, a task that he relished.

Rosie and George had also taken their relationship to the next level, getting engaged and due to marry the following year, it was heartwarming to know that another couple had found love in the paddock. Controversially, you and Toto had not yet tied the knot, purely down to the fact that you hadn’t had time. Toto had proposed not long before Sunny’s birth, getting down on one knee with one of the most dazzling diamond rings you had ever seen.

Snapping back to the present, you shook yourself out of your thoughts as you saw Toto coming into the room, Sunny under his arm babbling.

“How about at the end of August?” Toto asked.

“For what?” you asked, not sure what he was talking about.

“For the wedding,” he said, plopping down on the sofa beside you, seating Sunny on his lap.

“Mama!” the curly-haired toddler called out, stretching her tiny arms towards you. You knew you were biased but she was one of the cutest children you’d ever seen. Chocolate button eyes and dark brown curls, she was blessed with her Father’s dimples and your olive complexion, a lethal combination.

“Here mi amor,” you said, scooching her across for a snuggle, before nodding “August could work. But there is one issue”

Toto looked concerned, “What’s wrong?”

You broke into a wide smile, “I’m pregnant Toto.”

Toto’s brown eyes widened, “Again? Already?”

You laughed, Sunny giggling along with you, “Yep. Old man strikes again.”

Toto smiled, leaning across and putting his arm around you, “How did I get so lucky?”

“Papa!” said Sunny, this time reaching up for her Dad.

“Ooh, I think she wants her Daddy again.” you said, “It kills me that you’re her favourite.”

Taking the tiny girl in his arms, Toto smiled, “I don’t think so somehow.”

“I know so,” you said, looking at how your daughter gazed adoringly at Toto, their brown eyes identical. Glowing with pride at your beautiful family you patted your stomach tenderly, impatient to meet the new addition.

Sharing your thoughts, Toto beamed at you, “Do you remember the bet we made in Abu Dhabi two years ago?”

“Huh?” you said, not remembering.

“We agreed that if Lewis won the race, I could name the baby Paul or Niki,” he said with a grin, playing with the bouncing toddler on his lap.

“I do not remember this.” you said, “Was I asleep?”

“No, wide awake.” he said laughing, “Lewis won though and I want to know if I can cash my reward in on this one.”

“You are ridiculous,” you said with a fond smile, “I’ll think about it.”

“You know you love it.” he said, kissing you gently, “So maybe a Winter wedding then?”

“Sounds like a plan,” you replied, your heart full of love.

[bcacstuff]

America's top doctor has called for risk warnings on alcoholic beverages, similar to the labels on cigarettes, following new research that links the drinks to seven types of cancer.

The advisory from US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says the "majority of Americans are unaware of this risk" that leads to about 100,000 cases of cancer and 20,000 deaths annually in the US.

It would require an act of Congress to change the existing warning labels, which have not been updated since 1988.

Mr Murthy has also called for reassessing recommended limits for alcohol consumption and boosting education efforts regarding alcoholic drinks and cancer.

The Surgeon General, who is the leading spokesperson on matters of public health in the federal government, said that alcohol was the third most common preventable cause of cancer after tobacco and obesity.

"The direct link between alcohol consumption and cancer risk is well-established for at least seven types of cancer ...regardless of the type of alcohol (e.g., beer, wine, and spirits) that is consumed," Mr Murthy said in a statement.

This includes increased risk of cancer of the breast (in women), throat, liver, oesophagus, mouth, larynx and colon.

The new report recommends health care providers should encourage alcohol screening and treatment referrals as needed, and efforts to increase general awareness should be expanded.

The warning labels are currently required to state that women who are pregnant should not drink alcohol due to birth defect risks. It also must state that "consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems".

Over the last two decades, countries have increasingly introduced warning labels to inform consumers about the health risks of alcohol.

The World Health Organization's Global Status Report for Alcohol and Health in 2018, cited in Mr Murthy's report, said 47 member states mandated health and safety warnings on alcohol, up from 31 in 2014.

Ireland is the first country in the world to mandate a warning linking any level of alcohol consumption to cancer. From 2026, it will be a legal requirement for all bottles of alcohol in the Republic of Ireland to carry a label.

South Korea also requires cancer-specific warnings on alcohol.

In the US, only Congress can amend the new warning labels recommended by Mr Murthy, and it's not clear that the incoming Trump administration would support the change.

Many countries have also revised the recommended limits for consumption after new studies pointed that no amount of alcohol is safe to drink.

Canada revised its recommendation from nearly two drinks per day to two per week last year.

The US recommends no more than two drinks a day for men and one for women, while the UK suggests no more than 14 "units" of alcohol - around six glasses of wine, or pints of beer - per week.

Share prices of US-listed alcoholic beverage companies - including Diageo, the world's biggest spirits manufacturer - fell by up to 4% following the announcement.

[callmewrinkles3]

Deuxmoi Submissions, 2023

January

Spotted: Daniel Riccardo and his long-time girlfriend Emma on a romantic date at a restaurant in Perth. Weird thing was this time his manager was also there side by side in company of a blonde girl.

-

February

Subject: Twins

Email: whatever@gmail.com

Message: saw Daniel Ricciardo and his manager on a double date. One of the women was definitely Ricciardo’s girlfriend (and I think I saw a ring????) the other looked like her sister?

-

March

Spotted: Daniel Ricciardo’s fiancée flower shopping with a group of women. Is the wedding happening?

-

April

Spotted: saw like four F1 drivers (Charles LeClerc, Max Verstappen, Lance Stroll, and Esteban Ocon) getting off planes at Perth airport. I work the private terminal and there was a load of extra jets in. Is the F1 Royal Wedding happening?

-

May

Message: what Met gala attendee had a meltdown because her dress didn’t fit her chest an hour before her red carpet time? She didn’t get a lot of attention but she’s got a couple of high profile places to be this month with her husband, let’s see if it’s just her chest expanding.

-

June

Subject: wait WHAT

Email: reservebells@gmail.com

Message: ok I could be wrong but I think I saw everyone’s favourite Australian who isn’t doing his usual job leaving a maternity hospital in [removed for their privacy] with his wife. Both looked delighted, he was the happiest he’s been in years

-

July

Spotted: I work at a high end baby furniture shop and a high profile athlete and his wife came in. No clue how nobody knows she’s pregnant, it’s pretty obvious. Happy for them, they’re very in love and he couldn’t keep his hands off the bump

Update: yeah it was Daniel Ricciardo and his wife, also the tip they gave the furniture delivery bought us all takeout.

-

August

Saw Daniel Ricciardo and his wife in the same restaurant as me in Faenza. They’re too cute and he wasn’t drinking wine because she can’t thanks to her pregnancy.

*

Spotted: Em Ricciardo is a sweetheart! I was lost in Milan trying to find the train station with no phone signal, she speaks what sounded like fluent Italian and got the directions for me!

September

Subject: bundle of joy

Email: forthebees@gmail.com

Message: Got to see the former Red Bull teammates at Formula Nurnburgring, but the highlight for me was watching Sebastian Vettel giving Emma Ricciardo a giant hug and a gift bag. It’s really obvious that they get along well, she was there cheering him in his car. His wife was there too, saw her and Emma chatting.

—

October

Spotted: Daniel Ricciardo out for dinner with his wife, his manager, and what looked like his wife’s friend? It was his manager’s birthday and they sang happy birthday, but they did a toast later.

Spotted: Em Ricciardo looking so proud at her husband’s contract announcement. Red Bull got Dan a onesie for the new baby, it was adorable.

—

November

Spotted: Daniel Ricciardo running through LAX to catch a Qantas flight to Sydney. Someone mentioned his wife is due soon, is the baby coming?

Spotted: Em Ricciardo in Perth airport, looked like she was collecting Dan from Vegas. She’s still pregnant! #F1BabyWatch

—

December

Subject: flowers

Email: fakeyfake@fake.com

Message: I work in a florist and we had 22 bouquets sent to one room in [redacted] hospital in Perth. Most of the calls came from UK and European numbers. Looks like F1’s latest baby has arrived!

[thefinewinecompany]

Jack Daniel's Rye Whiskey 70cl - Bold, Smooth Flavor

Discover Jack Daniel's Rye Whiskey 70cl, crafted with 70% rye for a bold, spicy flavor. Perfect for whiskey enthusiasts seeking a smooth, rich taste experience.

[maximumwobblerbanditdonut]

After a happy weekend in Edinburgh 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 and a week in London 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

What potential benefits did the SH team bring to the Sassenach brand by consistently offering a large number of pre-mixed cocktails for a stress-free party that coincidentally SH had prepared and shared on his Instagram months before? 🤔

How many bottles of whisky and gin were available at the event? Were the bottles sold out due to this team's tour, or did they bring them to the bar? Did the American team's tour enhance the quality of Sassenach scotch whisky or Scottish gin?

It's not easier to claim that Scotch whisky and Scottish gin taste better in Scotland. There probably won't be a noticeable change in their flavour whether you drink them neat or in cocktails. This remains true, no matter how long the American team visited SH's friends' bars in Edinburgh for a pre-arranged visit. The team flew on a plane to Edinburgh to sell Scots a brand made in Scotland at the Kimpton Boutique Charlotte Square Hotel and then show them how to prepare Scottish drinks.

SH’s American company is interested in serving SH’s American fans market. It will be interesting to see this team and their Iranian-descent business partner under SH’s wing after Outlander ends.

The alcohol industry is highly competitive, with big players dominating the market. New brands need to offer something unique to stand out. To compete in this traditional market must bring a modern perspective and a fresh approach to the sector. What does SH and his Sassenach team offer to the brand to make it stand out?

If SH is considering cracking into the UK industry, he must understand the constant turbulence in the UK’s drinks sector. Britons know very well how to update their professional awareness in trade drinks and He and his team in many instances leave much to be desired.

Posted 20th August 2024

@seakopie - Hundreds of spirit competitions are held around the world every year. However, SH is always associated with the same event annually, and for the most part, that's where his medals come from.

@blahblah-911 Yes, He pays to enter, at any competitions, but a medal doesn't mean you will automatically like something. So, The Tasting Alliance and Total Wine aim to attract people's attention by bringing SH to their show.

[illleavemymessageinmysong]

Keynsham - “Why don't we drive in the rain?Straight to the eye of the hurricane?”

On a recent episode of the 2Legs podcast, guest Dino Viscera pointed out something odd about the album artwork for Paul’s ‘Driving Rain’ album. It shows a postcard addressed to ‘Paul McCartney, ‘Driving Rain’, Keynsham, Essex, UK’.

It’s odd because Keynsham isn’t in Essex, it’s near Bristol.

This could just be a bit of Beatlesesque randomness. Macca weirdness. Or could there be anything else to it?

First of all, what’s the deal with Keynsham? Well, the town secured its place in the popular culture in UK in the early 60s courtesy of Horace Batchelor, who advertised his services on pop radio as a football pools predictor. When giving his contact address, he would spell out the letters of Keynsham.

This in turn inspired the title track of The Bonzo Dog Band’s 1969 album ‘Keynsham’. Paul, of course, had produced their 1968 single ‘The Urban Spaceman’. There’s that connection, then. But why associate it with ‘Driving Rain’?

Well…Channel 5 in UK recently showed a programme called ‘The Great Flood of 1968’, about flooding that occurred on the night of 10 July 1968 in the Bristol area and heavily featured Keynsham. The flooding was so bad that Keynsham was officially declared a disaster area. Ok, Keynsham…driving rain…

The Bristol area was well known to Paul back in the mid 60s. Jane was resident there for long spells with the Bristol Old Vic Repertory Company. Paul often visited her there, famously getting the Rigby name from the Rigby & Evens wine and spirits shippers shop/office in King Street.

Back to 10 July 1968. What else was going on that evening? Well, back in London, the Jane Asher starring play ‘Summer’ opened at The Fortune Theatre. Gyles Brandreth, a British broadcaster and writer, wrote in his memoir and in his published diaries that he was there that night as a friend of Jane’s. He said that Paul was also there and was unaware that it was already over with Jane. Jane, he says, was with the play’s director, Robert Kidd. So, a significant event in P&J’s break-up.

As mentioned, the Keynsham address on the ‘Driving Rain’ postcard could be completely random. Or it could be a conscious or unconscious memory prompted by the heavy rain lyrical concept of the title track. ‘Essex’ could be there as part of the randomness or could be there as a distraction, avoiding the specific geographical detail of Keynsham, Somerset. Or, perhaps it’s there as a deliberate mistake to draw attention to it for those who are interested?

Maybe, as the Bonzos say in ‘Keynsham’, “there are no coincidences but, sometimes, the pattern is more obvious”.

Driving Rain

“If something’s missing it’s when we’re apart. If something’s good it’s when we’re back together again…why don’t we drive in the rain, straight to the heart of the hurricane? Go for a ride in the driving rain”

[schumigrace]

company time wasting questions!

what 3 things would your dream house have in it?

what is the best and worst first date idea for you personally?

which UK TV presenter would you go on a 1-week holiday with if you had to?

oooh good ones!

1. I'd kill for a little library space, with a reading nook that's all cozy. and a lot of garden space, so i can spend most of my time outside either relaxing or gardening.

Also would absolutely have to have a private pool so i don't need to keep fighting with geriatrics lack of spatial awareness when I'm lane swimming

2. Best first date for me would be activity-based. Something like a hike, or those pottery decorating classes, or wine tasting. basically anything that brings out eachothers personalities and means you actually have to talk.

Absolute worst dates for me are things like going to the cinema or anywhere where you can't talk. One guy invited me to his sisters wedding for a first date and I was like... absolutely not

One of my colleagues went for a weekend in Florence for a second date once...I respect it

3. Honestly, I'd have to say declan donnelly because he was my first celeb crush (still is). I'd have no choice but to take ant with us, but I'm cool with that

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 21/09/2024 (The Weeknd, Tate McRae, Chappell Roan, Teddy Swims, Playboi Carti)

For a fourth week straight, Sabrina Carpenter is at #1 on the UK Singles Chart with “Taste”, and it seems like everyone on the pop music roster has returned this week. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, brief discussion of Palestine, allegations, queerphobia

Rundown

As always, we start the episode with our notable dropouts, those being songs exiting the UK Top 75 - which is what I cover - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid farewell to: “Red Wine Supernova” by Chappell Roan (I’ll explain why towards the end), “Houdini” by Eminem, “Pink Skies” by Zach Bryan, “Like a Prayer” by Madonna, “i like the way you kiss me” by Artemas and “The Man Who Can’t be Moved” by The Script. It’s not that large a list of songs, but these are all pretty big hits during the past year, this is almost a clear-out week of some summer tracks.

As for what takes those songs’ places, well, we have plenty of new arrivals to fill that void but there are also some notable gains, and returns, for that regard, with “Fortnight” by Taylor Swift featuring Post Malone back briefly at #75 from when it dropped out to #76 last week (“Gata Only” has company, I see), and a much more interesting re-entry with Charli xcx bringing “Talk talk” back to #24. The song peaked at #47 on album release week, but with the Brat remix compilation announcement, Charli released alongside it a new, mediocre version of this track featuring Troye Sivan - who’s credited by the Official Charts Company, for once - and Dua Lipa - who’s not credited by anywhere. As for the gains, we see solid boosts forEDM to-be-hits “TOO COOL TO BE CARELESS” by PAWSA at #66, “Cry Baby” by Clean Bandit, Anne-Marie and David Guetta at #51 and bizarrely enough, the song I literally nearly forgot to review until the episode was finished last week has scooted up to the top 40 - “Embrace It” by Ndotz is at #36 because, sure, I get the appeal. Other than JADE’s “Angel of My Dreams” at #19, however, much of what we need to talk about in the top 40 is relegated to tracks debuting there this week.

As for our top five, “Die with a Smile” by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars continues a rise at #5, but the rest should all be standard: Sabrina Carpenter has “Please Please Please” at #4 and “Espresso” at #3, Chappell Roan has “Good Luck, Babe!” at #2 and of course, Sabrina also has “Taste” at the very top. Now there are many… interesting debuts up and down the charts, mostly in the top 40, but we start with, well, maybe the least coherent.

New Entries

#72 - “KEEP UP” - Odetari

Produced by Odetari

Okay… so, this might require some explanation. Odetari is a rap-singer from Texas who has been carving out a place online, particularly TikTok, through his success in bringing some underground hyperpop-adjacent trends into a more mainstream place. Alongside other acts like 9lives and 6arelyhuman, who, trust me, have names just as alien to me as they are you, his work encompasses distorted club beats using a similar bitcrushed technique to “hexd” or “surge” music, rapping like a digicore artist over Jersey club, and generally, being high-pitched and annoying. Bizarrely, he’s been popping up mostly on the US dance charts for a year or so now, and has attracted an audience that probably belongs in some form to the “scene revival”, with his woozy, punched-up rave beats and Auto-Tuned vocal fitting right into that sound. “KEEP UP” has crossed over to a more general audience to give him a breakthrough outside of his demographic, so part of me was hoping he did something a bit different in this one. Uh, no.

This is far from a bad thing necessarily for as much as I feel like I’m some boomer trying to hear most of this guy’s material, there’s something about this track in particular I actually really enjoy, and I think it may just be up to the fact that it is so relentlessly catchy. The self-produced saw sounds straight out of the NES, sure, but it’s overwhelmed by the punchy hardcore kicks, which soon evolve into a drum pattern so distorted it becomes a bitcrushed mesh alongside Mr. Odetari’s hook which has already made itself home in my head. Genuinely, it’s an annoyingly catchy, stuttering hook that has such a good first half to the main melodic idea that it doesn’t matter that the second half of the phrase trails off into barely-words bullshit. It’s nothing new, it’s just addictive, and I think I understand the virality now, even if I get the feeling that I don’t fully “get it”. As for the lyrics, Odetari is genuinely not saying anything. There is no lyrical conceit or motif to the song, and I am absolutely confident in saying that I’m not missing anything in that regard, as the verses, similarly full of vocal manipulating and stuttering ad-libs crowding the mix, sound like loose freestyles he decorated with production to fit in with the one good idea he had: the undeniable chorus. I also enjoy how this is one of few songs to do the cheap, TikTok-variety slowed-down outro with tact and reason: the transition is solid and exciting, the synths take on a new, eerie tone with the pace shift, and the third verse - or I suppose, bridge - is the most focused on the song, being a whole lot of flexing but more cohesive than anything else he has going for him. So, yeah, oddly enough, I really enjoy this, though I don’t think I’m fully there into delving into the Odetari back catalogue. If you can call having barely two years worth of singles and EPs a back catalogue.

#59 - “Disco” - Surf Curse

Produced by Jarvis Taveniere

Surf Curse are, fittingly, a surf punk band from Nevada whose back catalogue has been bubbling under for years now: they seem to have very little success, even now signed to a major label, with their new output but every so often, their years-old songs will get a viral buzz and streaming traction, with some popping up on the charts. I actually covered them way back in 2021 when this happened for the first time with “Freaks”, a song that was originally released all the way back in 2013, but hey, it’s been three years since, I’m sure that people have caught onto their newer work and no, this “new” song is five years old and has already sold 95,000 copies overall. I liked “Freaks” for as much as the Nick Rattigan-fronted band could get me to like a lo-fi indie snippet that didn’t have much to it, so I was honestly hoping to get a refresher on these guys that involved actually fully-fledged songs. This is closer, even if it’s barely longer than “Freaks”, mostly because of a more professional mix, though still with some imperfect lo-fi elements that punch it up a tad, though the song is still barely there. The lyrics about seeing a girl at the disco and being in adoration about the way she dances are… unbefitting and ultimately not interestingly phrased, the stop-and-start rhythm in the chorus’ end is not that inspired, almost expected, and the main riff just reminds me of “Freaks” again, which the entire song resembles quite a lot, and maybe a bit of early Vampire Weekend. Some of the lyrics come off as somewhat obsessed or creepy, especially given the allegations that followed the year after this song’s release, but it doesn’t have the rougher, darker edges of “Freaks”, which I relistened to and still enjoy, to integrate that into its appeal. I have heard better in indie surf-rock, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the least interesting of it is what ends up charting. I guess it’s okay, but it’s definitely not original or even likeable.

#47 - “Tony Soprano 3” - Nines

Produced by RQ1of1 and JC3

UK rapper Nines is back with an album on the 27th, and what better way to announce a forthcoming project than with completing the trilogy of his “Tony Soprano” series of freestyle-liked tracks just meant to serve as Nines talking his shit to convince you to care about the project on the way. The last installment peaked at #10 but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t upped the quality with this latest edition and… well, the spoken part at the start seems to indicate this forthcoming record is his last, but other than that, there’s absolutely nothing of interest here. Nines is sloppy as always, with a vocal mix that is obsessed with stuttering and other effects that seem completely unnecessary for a song that should be about bars, of which Nines has very little, over this basic trap beat that admittedly has a nicer loop this time. There are sone nice references and I do respect ending the track by calling out social media for allegedly shadow-banning his account after he showed support for Palestine, but considering the rest of the track is about how he thinks he’s the GOAT and this is tacked on clumsily to the end, it instead appears somewhat self-serving, unfortunately. Overall, like I say about most of Nines’ tracks that end up charting, I don’t think it’s much of note at all, but this one is perfectly serviceable outside of odd production choices, which is more than Nines sometimes provides so that’s something, surely.

#32 - “ALL RED” - Playboi Carti

Produced by F1LTHY, Lukrative, Lucian, Ojivolta and Twisco

Atlanta legend and trap pioneer Future has just released his rawer, messier set of hype anthems, MIXTAPE PLUTO, which may have an impact next week but more importantly for us today, makes this lead single from Playboi Carti nearly entirely obsolete. Carti has been teasing singles for the entire year and a bit from an upcoming release, I AM MUSIC, but much of this has been on YouTube and other platforms instead of the major streaming services, whether that be for sample clearance, label nonsense, general “mystery” or because the guy hates his fans, probably a mix of all of the above. A lot of those newer songs and leaks have featured Mr. Carter experimenting with his voice in strange ways, but primarily using his newer, deeper voice he introduced on “FE!N” last year, to mostly boring results outside of “2024” (released in 2023), I like that one, though that features a mix. There is something really funny to me, therefore, that after a mish-mash of genuine experimentation and unwarranted hype and acclaim from fans and industry alike, that his proper lead single is just a Future impression on a F1LTHY beat. The beat’s obviously hard-hitting enough with his twisting synth loops and bass-heavy menace that comes naturally with F1LTHY territory though with six producers credited here, two of which being the very creative Ojivolta, I did expect more detail or at least some progression here beyond just plugging some new synth flares in and out. Carti is in typical lyrical territory, though I don’t think I understand the main conceit of the chorus that his neck tattoo is shutting anybody up, exactly, because if anything, the Satanic imagery is what gets people talking about the mysterious and violent “red” aesthetic Carti’s been working with since he discovered rage beats. He does end up sounding more distinct from Future on the one verse, but by that point it’s just a middling Whole Lotta Red leftover. I can’t call it bad because there is energy and intensity here to justify its existence, I just feel like it could have been much more.

#28 - “Bad Dreams” - Teddy Swims

Produced by Julian Bunetta, Matt Zara and John Ryan

Colour me surprised that Teddy Swims is sticking around. “Lose Control” seemed out of nowhere but is one of the biggest songs of the decade so far, despite sounding like pretty much nothing out, and “The Door” is the kind of follow-up that he probably needed to show an upbeat side, so I was interested in this newest single, not from his breakthrough album, that might just be the deal-maker - or deal-breaker - for if Mr. Swims can continue his hit-making career past that one good year, as this was released last Friday and didn’t have the slow burn of the others. Given the high debut, I have a feeling the Swimster does fill a void and will be here to stay, but as to how I feel about the song, I am somewhat disappointed in the producers going for a more typical, 2020s subdued indie-pop guitar lead and tone amidst the more classic soul groove, because whilst it mixes the guy better into his closest contemporaries on the charts - he’s closer to Sabrina Carpenter of all people than anything - it also takes some of the loveable bombast from his prior hits out of the occasion, with the malformed post-chorus, consisting of a weak “woo”, rising strings, and stray claps accompanying some brief phrases that feel more like vocal riffs than a fully-written conclusion to the chorus, wherein he longs for his partner not to leave him because without them, he gets “bad dreams” - probably more so referring to how distraught his mental health can be without relying on someone else. Obviously, he sounds great, though he has some room to belt here and shows some restraint, which could be odd for that kind of content that almost comes across as begging, so I feel like even his vocal performance is slightly underwhelming here… which sums up the song in general. It’s fine, it’ll be successful, but it also doesn’t seem like the most memorable third act to me.

#21 - “Pink Pony Club” - Chappell Roan

Produced by Dan Nigro

We switched out our Pokémon, so to speak, with “Red Wine Supernova” and thanks to the three-song rule, Chappell Roan’s fourth-biggest song currently has dropped out from the top 40 and been replaced with the third. OCC are ridiculous, but to be fair, this rule was built to prevent album bombs, not the - somewhat unforeseeable - case that an artist would have an entire album be full of sleeper hits that have been out for at least a year but seem to all have a domino effect on each other until she’s one of the year’s biggest new stars. Those following this year would know I’m still somewhat torn on Chappell’s hits thus far, not really fully convinced by them outside of “HOT TO GO!”, and honestly mostly for somewhat nitpicky reasons, songs just not connecting nearly as much as they should for me due to lyrical gripes or structural oddities that put me off from the entire package and I’m glad that we finally have one that’s a bit simpler to explain: I think it’s boring. With that said, I really enjoy the idea of the lyrical narrative here, functioning as the clearest example of her album’s story regarding the young queer girl in Middle America - Tennesee in this song’s case - longing for the fictional, openly gay nightclub “the Pink Pony Club”. Her attendance would disappoint her mother but might be worth it for the joy and self-realisation, and she eventually progresses into actually being at the club and promising that her hometown still means a lot to her.

Now, like all Chappell Roan hits, here comes the “but”: I don’t actually like the way the lyrics progress with little variety that changes tenses but doesn’t have a meaningful impact on the content despite her journey, there’s not much nuance to how Tennessee is depicted outside of just the generic hometown she loves but has to get out of. More detail to why either Tennessee or Santa Monica actually matter, or if there are any specific areas outside of the fictional club that stand out to her journey, justifying why Tennessee still matters and not just her mother’s love. It relies in part to a sociopolitical content that it barely discusses, and it extends its length with an incessantly catchy and incredibly well-performed chorus but one that fails to have more of a gut-punch impact like it could, alongside solos that more often than they should go for warping down instead of soaring like they should when working in an 80s synthpop and AOR framework. The staccato string and synth stabs in the pre-chorus are cool enough but the mix stays too minimal with its gated drums to really have that full feeling, to make the club actually seem like either a dream or alien to the Tennessee girl. It even fades out like a classic 80s song, which is just a cop-out nowadays, and whilst I do have these specific problems… the main thing they all contribute is taking my interest out of vocals and drums that I otherwise would really love, making a song that, to me, is kind of a bore. I know I’m not making any friends by being consistently critical of Chappell Roan on Tumblr of all places, but I’m sorry, she still doesn’t excite me the way she has many others.

#14 - “It’s ok I’m ok” - Tate McRae

Produced by ILYA

I won’t even try and resist the easy joke of Ms. McRae outright stating what could well be my opinion of the song and her artistry in the title of the track. Thankfully, I don’t really agree with that statement - last year’s Tate McRae album was far from OK, more just outright garbage, but this one could be better. As in, this song really could be better, it’s not enjoyable at all. I’m nicer to late 2000s and early 2010s crunk-influenced pop but the mix emphasises this thin high-frequency DJ Mustard synth before emphasising an even more annoying sound, a clambering drum loop that completely demolishes the mix outside of Tate McRae herself, who was clearly listening to Ciara because she’s whispering incoherently about relationships, except without her Petey Pablo. It’d be The Kid LAROI, by the way, which should show how far we’ve fallen as a society. This half-rap chorus is honestly kind of pathetic in its attempt to sound carelessly “cool”, mostly because of the layers of background vocal riffing that refute that, and I genuinely could not make out half of the second verse so I’m not sure if I should even be trying to dig into the kiss-off where McRae - lying to herself, presumably - allows her partner’s new girlfriend to just take him because she’s TOTALLY over it. It’s not a bad idea for a song, I could see these lyrics working, maybe in a peppier context, but this production’s too dire outside of a genuinely nice atmosphere in the echo-drenched, sprawling outro, which really just sums up and repeats the song’s main conceit in less time than the rest of this mediocrity. Once again with McRae, I think I’ll pass. Also, Ryan Tedder is a co-writer, do not think you are safe on this one, Mr. OneRepublic, I’m actually pinning most of the blame on you just because I know your track record.

#12 - “Dancing in the Flames” - The Weeknd

Produced by The Weeknd, Max Martin, Oscar Holter

The Weeknd is back… but he’s also seemingly going away for a long time. Abel Tesfaye is finishing his trilogy that started with 2020’s After Hours, continued with 2022’s Dawn FM and now concludes with 2024’s Hurry Up Tomorrow out later this year. At a concert in Brazil, the singer teased a multiple of songs, including a Playboi Carti collaboration that has gone pretty viral but naturally in the era of TikTok slow-burn marketing, and the fact that Carti doing a normal, respectful and successful rollout for an important release, like The Weeknd has a track record of doing, is unheard of, that one will hate until the album, and for now, we get the Max Martin lead single because… who else? The two never miss together in making something that will most likely be a hit but I understand how one could be tired of the 80s synthpop pastiche by now and whilst this is anecdotal, I do feel like there was significantly less hype, at least from what I’ve seen, about not necessarily the album, which is still exciting for everyone, but this song in particular, which is yet another one of those pastiches. It’s got the same gated drum effect though they feel a bit thin outside of the fills, it’s got the same cute synths but with a much wonkier lead this time around, and whilst Abel will always sound great on record, he also phones that chorus in a tad, and it sounds especially so in the droll verses, with his now signature “Hey!” added in seemingly as a reminder that yup, this is the “Blinding Lights” guy. I don’t know about this one, it just seems like a mediocre rendition of something he’s done before that also misunderstands part of his appeal, with poetic but unsubstantial lovelorn lyrics that hint towards being more about his relationship with the music-listening audience given the reference to his “final odyssey”. It does intrigue me to where that outro is leading on the album, with the pattering out of the song into a darker atmosphere that will give this overly light and fluffy song some more balance, but other than that, I don’t care about this one way or the other.

Conclusion

That seems to kind of just be the theme of the episode: a lot of generally okay songs but mostly filling in for what I’ve already heard before. We really have three unique songs then a set of reruns, like the network ran out of new shows midway through the primetime block. Embarrassingly enough, Odetari runs away with the only song I even like here, “KEEP UP”, as the Best of the Week, whilst Tate McRae takes Worst of the Week for “It’s ok I’m ok” - though it may not sound like it in my review, “Disco” by Surf Curse was awfully close as the Dishonourable Mention, what a lazy and off-putting song. As for what's on the horizon, I could hazard a guess that Future and maybe Katy Perry land a song each, but it's a long shot regarding everything else. For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Tito Jackson, and I'll see you next week!