#will probably keep fucking with it but itll do for now lol

[2oosterr]

capt. ryan 'orca' murdoch

-> Playlist

GENERAL

NAME: Ryan Murdoch

ALIASES: Orca, Oscar Actual

AFFILIATION: United States Navy, OSOD

RANK: Captain

DOB: March 6th, 1978

AGE: 45

GENDER: F

BLOOD TYPE: B NEG

SEXUALITY: Queer unlabeled

HOMETOWN: Rockland, Maine

CURRENT RESIDENCE: Redcorn Airfield, Odessa, Texas

NATIONALITY: USAmerican

EDUCATION HISTORY: K-12 [1983 - 1991]

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY: US Naval Aviator (Commander) [1994 - 2011], PMC Operator (Captain) [2011 - Present]

APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 182cm (5’9”)

WEIGHT: 170 lbs

EC: Brown

HC: Black, White

BUILD: Athletic, prominent muscle definition

SKILLS

[23/30]

Strength:             ▮▮▮▯▯

Speed:                ▮▮▮▯▯

Intelligence:        ▮▮▮▮▯

Experience:        ▮▮▮▮▮

Perception:         ▮▮▮▮▮

Communication: ▮▮▮▯▯

SPOKEN LANGUAGES: English (Native), Spanish (C1), Russian (B2), ASL

SPECIALISATION: Can pilot almost any aircraft, including helicopters and the C-130.

WEAPONS: Proficient in close combat, hand-to-hand, air-to-air, and air-to-land combat. Long range is a weak point.

RELATIONSHIPS

Alison Murdoch [Mother] [AGE: 66]

Louis Murdoch [Father] [DECEASED]

Aaron Murdoch [Brother] [AGE: 34]

PSYCHOLOGY

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Anger management issues

Chronic alcoholism

MEDICAL

GSW on right side of face

3rd degree burns on right arm

Dog bite scar on left arm

ENHANCEMENT

[GRADE 4 - Extremely Low Risk]

Individual had demonstrated the ability to walk on liquid. Note that individual can submerge in the same liquid when contact point is not the feet.

PERSONALITY

MBTI type – ISTJ-A; Introverted, observant, thinking, judging, assertive.

Orca is a natural leader despite her introversion. She commands attention, even from those who aren't willing to follow her, unafraid to put such people in their place with harsh words and biting insults. Her introversion leans more to the ambivert side of things, she prefers the quiet of solitude over a loud social function, but socialising is not out of her comfort zone, and she would never be afraid to speak up and voice her opinions.

The ends always justify the means to Orca. She is willing to do risky, and sometimes deplorable, things to complete her objective, leaving some to question her morality, but those close to her trust that she knows where to draw the line. She's self-assured, confident to the point of cockiness at times, because she's good and she knows it. 

The opinions of others mean very little to her, with the exception of the few people she calls her friends – she cares deeply for those select few. It takes a lot for her to trust, and a lot more to consider someone a friend, but once you've proved yourself, her loyalty is fierce. It’s incredibly difficult, but not impossible, to lose her faith.

Even when she was in the Navy, Orca has never been a fan of authority. It takes effort to earn her respect, which many of her commanding officers never did. In a way, this makes her slightly hypocritical, seeing as she demands respect from those around her but doesn't give it so easily.

Although she appears to be a serious, no-nonsense Captain, under the stony facade Orca actually has a strong sense of humour. She's more than willing to indulge in the jokes her soldiers throw around, but she still reserves the ability to take things seriously when the need arises.

FUN FACTS

Orca learned to play the drums as a way to de-stress. She learned in bootcamp from one of the older kids, and kept it up when she could in the Navy.

Her biggest pet peeve is stupid questions. She’s been known to make people run laps until the sun goes down for not using common sense.

The streaks in her hair are due to a bout of Alopecia Areata that she suffered from for most of her childhood, likely stress induced, and when the patches of hair grew back, they were white. She also has a patch of white where her neck meets her skull, but she keeps that one hidden because she doesn’t think it's as cool as the other two.

Her hair is also the reason for her callsign, since it looks vaguely like the markings on a killer whale, especially when she wears it up.

Her favourite colour is red.

She owns an ungodly amount of orca plushies.

On a similar note, she also owns an ungodly amount of model figures of fighter jets.

She’s obsessed with Top Gun. Like, balls to the wall fucking insane about it.

Like, she references it daily.

Yes, it was the reason she joined the navy. She is not immune to propaganda

Orca actually attended the real TOPGUN in Nevada in 2000, and graduated top of her class.

In 2016, she bought a decommissioned F-22 Raptor thanks to an Admiral friend of hers, and has been slowly refurbishing it in her off time. She keeps it in hangar two, and nobody else is even allowed to go in there.

She does all the repairs to the OSODs aircrafts herself.

BACKGROUND

Ryan's fate was decided before she was even born.

Her mother, Alison, was known to carry the gene for a genetic disorder and as a result, when she was pregnant with Ryan, she opted for a genetic screening to see if it would be passed down to her. It wasn't, but it's thanks to this genetic screening that they found out Ryan carried the NLH gene – the enhanced gene.

From the moment she was born, it seemed that her parents had already given up on her. Neglectful would be an understatement, there was no love in the way they cared for her. It was nothing but a chore to them, having to raise their mutant child when all they wanted was a normal baby.

Her father died when she was five. Shipped out to Iraq in ‘83 and never came back. Her mother shut down after that.

Growing up was difficult. Rockland was a small enough town that most, if not all, of the inhabitants knew about the fact that she was enhanced. She spent the majority of her childhood alone, being avoided by her peers and ignored by her mother, and becoming more and more bitter as the years went by.

She was eight when she finally discovered what her enhancement was; the ability to walk on water. It's a cruel joke, that she never even had a fleeting chance at a normal life because of something so insignificant.

When Ryan was eleven, her half-brother Aaron was born, and she got to witness firsthand what it looks like when someone loves you. Her mother was a completely different person once she brought him home, smiling and cooing adoringly at her infant brother. The resentment for both of them would never leave her.

Enhanced individuals, as the official paperwork refers to them, are required to serve in the military whether they like it or not. Mandatory service, starting at sixteen, and ending when you die. There is no choice, not for those who are deemed sub-human because of a genetic mutation completely out of anyone's control.

Despite the unfairness of it all, Ryan was shipped off to bootcamp a few months after her thirteenth birthday. It was easier there, surprisingly; there were other enhanced kids – people like her, for the first time in her life – and the structure and regiment of it all was something she actually found herself enjoying. The one aspect she struggled with was the demanding authority. She has never been with being told what to to, being a follower, especially by people she has no reason to respect apart from their rank. Her commanding officers were just like every other adult that had failed her thus far, and she earned more than a few disciplinaries for the insubordination of her outbursts of anger.

The three years she spent there helped Ryan for some sense of identity. It was strange, and bittersweet in a way, but she thrived in the military – had she not been conscripted, she may have even joined of her own accord.

The only sense of choice people like Ryan are given is the liberty of choosing which branch of the military they go to, so when she finally reached her sixteenth birthday in the March of ‘94, Ryan picked the Navy. She was on the plane to California the next day.

Once again, her entire life and any sense of structure she had was thrown to the wind. The Navy was harder, she was alone again and this time she had no idea if she was the only one of her kind; outing herself as enhanced didn’t seem like the best idea, especially since being a woman already put a target on her head. They looked down on her, endlessly questioned her abilities with an arrogance that made her blood boil, but Ryan was determined. She would be an aviator, and she’d be leagues better than all the people who thought they were above her – no amount of discouragement from them could change her mind.

It was in the academy that she met her first true friend, Michael ‘Berlin’ Addams. He was Ryan’s wingman, her partner in the skies, and the only person in her life to accept her unconditionally and without question. From the moment they met it was like two puzzle pieces clicking into place, his easygoing and humorous nature was the complete opposite of Orca’s quick temper, but they worked incredibly together like two sides of the same coin.

After Orca and Berlin graduated from the academy, placed first and fourth respectively, the two of them quickly rose through the ranks together, thanks to their raw talent for aviation as well as the synergy they had. They were best friends, practically inseparable, and though there were others they got along with, no one else came close to the bond that they had. For the longest time it was just the two of them, but the incident of March 1999 changed that.

While offshore on a deployment, someone found out Orca was enhanced, and word spread around the aircraft carrier faster than she could’ve imagined. She lashed out, broke another pilot's nose, and had to mop the floors for two months as punishment. While she was cleaning she was approached by one of the sailors, Eric Reyton she would come to learn. He extended an olive branch, and almost got his head bitten off before he revealed that he was enhanced too. It was a relief, learning that she wasn’t the only one, she finally had someone who really understood again. Berlin did his best, but he would never truly know what it was like.

From then on, it was the three of them. Orca, Berlin, and Eric – Static, as they took to calling him – and for the first time she actually started to feel like she belonged. The boys were like brothers to her, the family she never had, and life finally felt like it was looking up after all those long, lonely years.

And then Berlin died.

Shot down over land while they were on assignment. He didn't even have time to eject before he hit the ground.

Orca thought she knew pain. Unloved by her own mother, alone for the first sixteen years of her life, rejected by almost everyone she'd ever met, none of it had been easy; but as she watched Berlin's plane disappear into the treeline, nothing could've prepared her for the agony that ripped through her chest.

The rest felt like an out of body experience. She ejected, sparing not a single though for her own plane as it went down too. The landing fractured her ankle but she ran anyway, through the forest towards the blaze. She clambered up the wing of his aircraft, ripping the cockpit open and paying no mind to the way the searing metal burned through her flight suit and then her skin.

She pulled his body from the wreck, collapsing onto the ground with his lifeless body cradled in her arms. That's how the evac team found her, hours later, still sobbing into his cold skin.

His body went back to his family in New Jersey, but Orca kept his tags. She stayed standing over his coffin for hours after everyone else had left, everyone but Eric. Nobody was closer to Berlin than they were. Nobody understood the gaping hole his death left behind.

They were approached, after night had fallen and they were on their way out of the graveyard. The stranger handed Orca a card and introduced herself – Colonel Ellis – telling her to call when they needed a change of scenery. Eric had to restrain her from clawing the Colonel's eyes out for her audacity.

After the funeral, Orca finally understood how her mother felt when her dad didn't come home. There was nothing that could help the pain, the anguish of losing her best friend, so she drank herself into blackout numbness to escape it. Eric tried to help her, but it only ended in her lashing out. It went on like that for months, the only time she wasn't wasted was on the aircraft carrier where she had no choice. In a desperate attempt to help his friend, Eric ended up calling the Colonel to get them both out of California.

They found out on the flight to Texas that the Colonel was starting a PMC solely for the enhanced. The 'Occult Special Operations Division', she called it, a counter-terrorism taskforce. At first Orca was sceptical, the idea of it seemed almost too good to be true, but Colonel Ellis's achievements spoke for themselves. She was a decorated officer, and there was no doubt she had the power and resources to create something like this.

For a year, Orca and Eric served under Colonel Ellis in the OSOD, along with Lieutenant Klaus Green, Corporal Badger, both marines, and Lieutenant Nina ‘Vulture’ Smith, an Air Force pilot and all soldiers Ellis had worked with for a long time. It was better, being surrounded by people like them, and the freedom they had now was infinitely better than what they had in the Navy, but they were still out of their element. While Ellis, Green, Badger were marines and had decades of experience with active combat and its many intricacies, Orca and Eric were just a pilot and a sailor. Still though, Ellis didn't give up on them. They learned surprisingly fast under her mentorship, picking up what she taught them with ease, and though they were still miles behind the marines, their skills were impressive.

In 2011, Ellis was arrested.

The NLH gene is a random mutation, not something that can be isolated and cut out like a genetic disorder. However, if at least one parent carries the NLH gene, then the offspring are guaranteed to be enhanced as well. Starting in the 70s, sterilisation became mandatory for the enhanced, the same as conscription, as another way to control the enhanced population. Colonel Ellis was born in the late 50s, and conscripted in the 60s; in other words, she evaded sterilisation.

It came out that she had a daughter, around Orca's age, and action was taken almost immediately. Colonel Ezikiel Ellis died two months after her incarceration. The details of her death were never released.

Her death was different. It was obvious foul play was involved, but Ellis's death didn't affect her the same way Berlin's devastated her. This time, she got the feeling Ellis had reached her time, that she'd accomplished what she set out to do in her life, and now it was Orca’s duty to carry on her legacy.

She took over the OSOD as Captain as soon as Ellis's death was publicised. Now down to just the three of them, it seemed like a logical course of action to find some new recruits, and it didn't take long to find some. Ellis's daughter, Sergeant Major Arctic, came to Orca shortly after she took over the OSOD, but despite it being her mother's creation, she showed no interest in taking Orca's place. She agreed to work alongside the OSOD, but remained a free agent.

In the same year, they met Sergeants Eastwood and Vantage, marines like Ellis and Green, and most importantly, both enhanced. They were by far the best of their unit and then some, with expertise between them from insertions to engineering. She hired them on the spot.

Orca got the scar in 2012. A mission gone south, an attempt to save a group of hostages, and a crack shot from the enemy. She took a bullet to the face. If she wasn't enhanced, there was no way she would've made it. As luck would have it, if you could call it that, a doctor was among the hostages, and saved Orca's life that night – Honey Rosenheim, an enhanced combat medic who would work with the OSOD for years to come after their unfortunate first encounter.

██████ ██████ ██ █████████ ████ ██████ ███████ █████. █████████ ███████ ██████ █ █████ ████ ██████ ████████. ████ ███████ ███ ██████ █ ██ ██████ █ █████ Badger ███ ███████ █████ █████████ ████ ███████ ██ █████ ██ ██████ █ █████ ██ █████. Badger ███ ████████ M.I.A. ██ ████ 2014.

[CONTENT REDACTED: SEE MISSION REPORT JUNE 11 2014]

It's 2019 by the time Orca meets Captain Price, through Kate Laswell and, surprisingly, their mutual friend, Nikolai. To say he didn't make a good first impression would be an understatement. Perhaps it's because of Orca's natural hostility and standoffish nature, but the two Captains butted heads constantly. Eventually he realised – with gentle nudging from Eric and the lieutenants – that she wasn't just an asshole for the sake of it, and she was actually a proficient leader. She slowly warmed up to him once she didn't have to fight for his respect.

Since the mission in 2018, the OSOD has collaborated with Captain Price, and subsequently Task Force 141, on multiple occasions.

It took significant work, but Orca was an accomplished Captain, with loyal soldiers and the ability to actually make a difference in the world. Her fate may have been decided before she was born, but Ryan is the one who made something for herself. She still has Berlin's picture hanging up in her office.

[yin-shimo]

Converting Fem-Frame Mesh to Masc-Frame

This tutorial assumes you have basic knowledge on blender and sims4studio, so i won’t go over basic things. As always, you’ll need to export the mesh you wish to convert first. Next, open it in blender and switch into edit mode.

Hit ‘UV sync selection’ to make the work easier.

Now, with the ‘L’ key, select only the body parts and separate with the ‘P’ key. Your mesh should look like this:

Then, hide the body (hit ‘H’ key or hit the eye icon in the outliner tab) and import the needed male body mesh. If your object is only a top or only a bottom you may not need the whole male mesh, but just to be safe, I prefer importing both regardless for a better view of how the weights look later.

Before editing the mesh, make sure to merge by distance so nothing breaks or gets crunchy in the sculpting step.

The Main Event:

aka sculpting the mesh to the male body. Go into sculpt mode and select ‘elastic deform tool’, either through the button itself or the keys ‘shift+space 8’. Then make sure to select ‘mirror: x’ in the symmetry tab so that everything you do on one side occurs on the other to keep it all even.

If all's well, when you move around the mesh, your cursor should look like this:

You may need to switch between ‘material view’ and ‘solid’ with x-ray on as shown in my recording to get a good look and keep everything proportional. 

Before moving onto weights, I usually look back at the original female body to see what parts were deleted as an outline for how I will now delete parts from the male body. Visually, the easiest way for me to do this is I select both bodies, with the female pre-highlighted and the male unselected, and then select parts while holding the shift key.

Separate and hide the other meshes, leaving you with something like this:

If you don't see any holes anywhere, we can now move onto weight painting.

Weights

 The first thing you want to do is to look for the cas-breast weights and delete them. Theyre not needed and will only fuck up things later LOL.

Now, go to the ‘spine_1’ weight, it’ll probably look like that, which we dont want. So hit the button ‘weights’ and select ‘normalize all’ as such : 

Spine1 should now look like this

After this point, weight painting is very dependent on the mesh itself, so, the most I can say is to un-hide the rig and rotate various bones to ensure the clothes move properly and/or don’t clip anywhere. If it does, those are the weights you'll need to fix.

When youre done, merge both meshes together and import it. Once it's imported, youll wanna export it again to fix the uv_1.

Why? Because we merged vertices earlier and that impacts the way the uv_1 turns out. Seeing lines go across every side of the mesh negatively impacts the way itll morph on the body in-game. Everything has to fit correctly. Example of a not well uv_1:

Once the mesh is re-imported, separate the body from the dress/clothes so the uv_1 editing happens /only/ to the clothes. Add a complete male mesh again, select your outfit and go to modifier properties and select ‘data transfer’. Make yours look like this:

After applying it, it should look something like this:

And now you're free to combine the two meshes and to merge by distance again!!

Finally, import and check how it looks in game. It's usually never perfect the first time…

How did this dress turn out? Well, like I said, its imperfect still but looks like this in-game atm:

(all mascframe-male)

[ghxstyfae]

Rafe Cameron x Puppygirl ♡ Headcanons

Warnings: Nsfw, 24/7 power exchange, dom/sub dynamics, rafe may be seen as toxique, consenual somnophilia, breeding kink, pet play, puppy play, fluff, drug use, Puppy has adhd

Taglist: @sunflowerleii @itzdarling

Rafe absolutely adores his puppy

Shes the sweetest, most energetic little ball of sunshine.

Puppy could probably have anyone on the planet with her magnetic personality, but she loves no one but him ♡

He never thought he'd be interested in a very clingy gf but he LOVES how shes always sitting on his lap or attached to him like a koala

He definitely keeps a cage like this or this in his bedroom just for her ♡

Of course Puppy bites him all the time, but consider this: he also bites her. His teeth dig into the back of her neck and she just goes limp in his arms <3 he does this whenver hes misbehaving but also when shes anxious or jittery

Leaving puppy alone when he goes to work is criminal negligence (in her eyes) so *IF POSSIBLE* if hes working at a desk, she'll sit underneath it, or even just in his car for a couple hours💀

He keeps her favourite candies in his pocket and literally gives them to her like treats (scooby snacks and lindt chocolates)

Clicker training!!!! Everytime he makes her cum, or does something that he knows makes her stimmy happy, he'll start pressing his lil clicker😣

"You're too dumb to do that today, silly puppy" as he bends down to tie her shoes for her

Of course he doesnt let her keep a job (not that she really wants one!) Being his good puppy is perfect enough

Collars<3 if shes comfortable having an actual pet collar then he'd 100% want one, but would prob only let her wear it at home or going to safe places.

If shes not into those, then something more discrete, like this.

Head rubs/pats, back rubs, belly rubs

Of course puppy girl is always horny, he once found her *desperately* humping a pillow while he was sleeping right beside him, since then hes told her the only things shes allowed to grind against w/o permission is his leg

And Puppy highkey takes full advantage of that. While hes working, sleeping, etc

They also both have breeding kinks and its so unsafe🤭 its actually a wonder she doesnt have pups yet tbh

Back to biting, Puppy has a huge oral fixation, and Rafe is her perfect target ♡ he's constantly covered in bite marks (literally him) basically a chewtoy for her

Of course Puppy gets zoomies once in awhile, but Rafe'll usually just fuck the extra energy out of her <3

Puppy is veryy curious about everything

She always wants to be involved in Rafes business, and at first he thought he'd bring her along once just to scare her out of begging again. She now wont let him leave the house without her

It didnt scare her, quite the opposite in fact it intrigued her. Shes loyal to him, regardless of weather hes in the wrong or not

When she first asked to try a bump he laughed his ass off. Not because he thought she couldn't handle it, but she was already a ball of energy without it, no way in hell was he getting her high and adding to that

She did however pout enough to make him agree for her to atleast try pot

If she enjoys it, itll become a very common thing, especially because of all her extra energy all the time

Puppy Loves how casually dominant Rafe is.

He orders for her when she cant decide what she wants (choosing what she wants!) There was probably even a time where some waitstaff commented on how she could make her own choices that made Puppy litterally LOL

He also helps to remind her to do things that slip her mind sometimes like wating breakfast, taking any medications, doing her skincare, finishing homework, etc

He wont lie, shes definitely strange (she once asked to hold his weiner while he pissed💀) but he loves it.

Its almost toxic because he knows thats she will always see him in the best light no matter what he does. He would never knowingly lead her astray, but she doesnt know that and still blindly follow his every word.

Thats not to say shes not bratty once in awhile

Her periods become an incredibly prickly time, full of many moodswings and "i dont want anyone to touch me" (followed by crying over the fact that hes not cuddling her)

One time he made a joke saying he wouldn't go buy her snacks because "puppies cant have chocolate" 🙄 hes an idiot.

He adores teasing her because shes just so reactive, she squirms and blushes or yells at him and cries. He'll never stop obsessing over her tears

[its-no-biggie]

omg do you guys wanna hear about the church family tree from my rvb fantasy au. i spent quite a bit of time working it out bc, since its fantasy, theres no ai and i had to figure out how it would translate lol

this will contain mild spoilers for my au but a) it doesnt exist yet and b) most of them are derived from the plot of rvb so theyre kind of already spoiled. so. anyway, on to the actual post

ok so first off. church (alpha) has DID. so all the ai fragments exist but theyre no longer ai and theyre in his head the whole time. and this includes beta!tex (tentatively called beth? since tex also exists. we'll get to that). it also includes epsilon which will be. interesting. i have some ideas for how to handle that but its kinda besides the point.

the director is churchs father, and allison is churchs mother (who dies when church is a kid). the director is also carolinas father, but carolina has a different mother, so church and carolina are half siblings. tex was also raised by the director but she is not blood related to any of them - she bears a coincidental resemblance to allison (in personality, not necessarily physical appearance), which is why the director favours her over carolina (keeping the carolina/tex favourite child tension, of course). i havent worked out exactly when the director took in tex, but if it was early enough that the director named her, he probably would have named her allison (i mean, he also named his son after himself in this au. you know he'd do it, ESPECIALLY if allison is already dead at this point) and she chooses to go by tex or smth. alternatively, the director named her tex the same way he named the other freelancers like washington and york, keeping the whole "leaving your old name (read: old self) behind when you join the freelancers" thing from canon, meaning that her previous name (and whether she had one at all) is irrelevant. hmmm now that i say that, its probably the latter tbh

now, i may keep beth being based on allison, but while i know what an introject is, i dont know if i feel comfortable really. representing one. so it may not be CANON canon but itll probably be canon to me. additionally, church is raised separately from carolina, tex, and eventually the other freelancers [the freelancers are kinda like a family in this au btw. but like a fucked up hierarchal one. and church is completely isolated from it even though the director is "raising" him. anyway] for plot reasons, but he coincidentally runs into tex one day as kids and they meet in secret for years until tex eventually helps him escape the director. which is to say. beth will likely pick up traits/mannerisms from tex just by virtue of tex being churchs only friend in childhood, combined with the fact that allison and tex are kind of similar in personality. so shes blood related to allison and potentially an introject of her, and has spent a lot of time with tex/knows her very well, so shes gonna have similarities to both of them but she is ultimately her own person. in churchs head.

uhhhh i think that covers it? anyway this means i get to write interactions between tex and beth which will be extremely fun. i like tex as a character and itll probably be difficult to decide how to characterize her in 2 different ways (plus allison but shes gonna be dead for most of it so i dont really have to worry about her) and then to have them interact? they would be chaotic besties i just KNOW it

[almalvo]

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY | S1E3 "Context Is For Kings"

[I will react to each episode individually and in full, raw reception and then post as is unrevised here onto my tumblr for the full span of every and all NuTrek episodes and series that have been and will be released. If this falls under your field of interest - I welcome your company in joining me. Enjoy the ride.] -------

Rated "mature" huh. [suspicious face] man seeing the starfleet symbol ugh man look outside its so pretty i love the colours i keep saying this but i looooove the colourssss ugh these effects are so are SOOO whoa nice suit on the pilot the filming style is odd in DISCO pacing wise rn still but whats cool is it no longer feels like that almost stagnant "another day in star trek" type feeling. everything feels very specialised episode by episode - very "limited series" - cuz it is. what ship is this it looks kinda like an idic pin from underneath NCC OH SHIT ITS THE SHIPPPPPP OHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKK THIS IS DISCOVERY?!!?!??!?!??! OH MFUCK ITS NAME IS AFTER A SHIP YEAH OK DUH BUT ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ugh this intro listen youll read this probably the next 50 times over how i just gawk at the everything that im eating right now with my eyeballs the Discovery ship has such an odd shape no but its literally IDIC the ship but also its SOOO cool to see the evolution of the ship designs until we land at the PERFECT ratio of NCC-1701 Enterprise.

fuck that just made me think - oh SHIT---

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who HO\ WHO WHO LEADS THIS SHIP WHO WHOOOOOOOOOO LEEEAAAAAAADS THHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS SHHSHSIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP whoa eyes with pretty reflection/not reflection nvm who is this????????? gabriel lorca? ok sry not to be underwhelmed but i am too eager its my fault alright mr. lorca - lets see what you about. i have never seen someone just eat fortune cookies like an everyday snack in a wooden bowl. discovery has a very interesting feeling, more..

door just shut in her face wow WHO ELSE IS ON THIS MASSIVE SHIP THOUGH NO NO NO ALSO ITS A FUCKING SCIENCE VESSEL. SCIENCE. VESSEL. SCIENCE. Whos this lady? aw she seems cute sylvia tilly? aw poor gal id shake her hand yo i like these beds mickey nah nahhh no thanks sylvia. sylvia. listen. dont be weird now. black alert. intersting what the hell ? its so PRETTY THOUGH whoaaaaa WHAOSSSS WHOAAA yeah no WHAT the hell IS going on on this ship please do tell??? new replicator hi saruuuu he is very fitting as first officer what are you eating? hahahahahhahha wow they nailed that one blueberries huh yeahhhh not me thinkin he eating larvae or somethin nope no sirrr i like the bowl hes eats from from though ugh hes so TALLLLL hes such a nice stick

idk why the title image of this show with burnham giving the vulcan salute only NOW is hitting me with its potential significance

fearing a black woman huh idk bruh come on now star trek not today bro not today

stamets why does this name sound familiar tf is this so fuckin weird though must we be so discriminatory tho lmao this stamets? whats this sparkle wahts happening stamets are you gay sir are you gay damn sir wonder what you gon do also burnham giving the vulcan brow ugh itll be so cool to have holographic text though? man how can we get that to work without a backlight of aerosol straal? straal and stamets. excuse me. ARE YALL LOVERS ??? ARE YALL A'LOVIN??? KISSY KISSY? YALL BOYFREEENNNNS??? lurkers lol ok. lurker such a fuckin nerdy word lmaooo stamets and straal huh. i got my EYES on you ew also give me that starfleet towel WHERE ARE YOU BURNHAM THIS LOOKS SO FUCKING BEUATIFUL OH MY GOD I HAVE ENVISIONED SOMETHING SO MUCH LIKE THIS ONBOARD STARFLEET SHIPS LIKE WE ALL HAVE OH MY GOD that put a chilll through my spine in a wonderful way

lorca has a mouth and rbf eyes like Homelander his face kind of reminds me of homelander lmaoo hi sylvia yall need to smile a bit mroe lol you better apologise the green screening is almost perfect but the border is still there the border of sylvias face against the greenscreen behidn the glass is too hard when its blue outside when irl the face woul have a light that really diffuses about the curfature of her face anwyays astromycologist fascinating. i like what hes talking about though tickles the science degree in me hahaha man what is this research im so curious what project is lorca up to? ugh so juicy im SOOO curious ugh shuttlepod looks fucking sexy. alright whos gonna die in here. whos the redshirt in this away party. whoaaa the mangling is nicee WHAT WAS THAT oml star trek horror though is SUCH a grand idea fuckkkk meeeee bruh this deadspace or what no lie i like the OG bat'leth design more of the blades splayed INWARDS than out

thats big bruh this is liteally deadspace its not gorn in here right lol its not right idk gorn gorn. gorn can do this right thats the first thing i thought when i saw any of this damage. sylvia you brave owowowoww NEVER MIND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT someone give me a star trek indie horror game RIGHT NOW DO IT ill fucking do it if no one does ill fucking DO IT. oop well guess we know who the redshirt is. broo the way their bodies are twisted like that is wickedddd i dont think ive seen bodies STRETCHED and wrung like a towel before stamets is so calm he dont give no fuck. stamets my man what have you BEEN through?

big space mole looks like a fuckin cow-size tardigrade JEFFERIES TUUUUUBEEE burnham's composure is crazy ugh she recitin what? it better not be another "literary classic" bullshit. this is literally a giant tardigrade. ugh look at the bridgee i love this shot from the outside in why it blurry at the end tho ay ooo who this freeza droid XD GIVE ME THOSE BOOTS YO i want my room to be the bridge oh my god if i had money id remodel my house and make my room the bridge the viewscreen would be my personal theatre fucking bigass monitor projection did I hear that--- TRI TRIBBBLEEEEE EAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAAAA THAT IS A FUCKINGGGG TRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ONNNNNNNNNNN HIIIIIIS DESSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKK they really are just having this conversation with a tribble just chillin on his desk son. i knew that sound anywhere oh my god GIVE ME ONE RIGHT NWO GIVE ME A BLACK ONE RIGHT NOW.

FUCK. bye tribbleee oooo in-ship transport what is this box what is the research what the fuck is happening. that is so pretty ohh intersting organic propulsion this is fascinaatingggg oh i really like this lorca has great delivery i BELIEVE in his role god the magic of masterful actors. love it WHOA THIS IS TOO FUCKING BEAUTLFUL NOOOOOO TAKE ME AWAYYYYY oh i love this pacing just now this whole scene was so good im so enamoured right now ugh its so nice to see creative cinematography why the tendrils on saru though what purpose do they serve wtf man wonder if we gon have more that typical star trek alien sexy-time lmaooooo ugh alice in wonderland really when we done with this shit :/ sylvia you wanna be captain? u know what - maybe you might be. if you dont die getting there. (you didnt hear that from me ahurghurghurgunrguhg-)

FOSTER FOSTER MOM AND HER SON??? YOU GREW UP WITH SPOCK????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK WHYYYYYYYYYY HOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU TELLIN ME BURNHAM IS KIRK'S SISTER IN LAW GET THE FUCK OUT

imn losin it whoa dead spcimens who whats in ITS THE GIANT TARDIGRADE sir you did this on purpose what you plannin lorca whats your grand design ughhh the scale of this ship though ugh EAT ME UP no i like that scene a lot though the one with cap lorca talking to burnham in the box - please intellectual star trek lore on mainstream play with modern techonological representation PLEASE oh im so intriguedddddddd.

bring it the fuck on.

kirk's sister in law, what even the fuck--

[treetownconfessions]

thinking about htf au where fliqpy is the demon entity creature thing of all time except he was such a menace that he got sealed up into dogtags and those got thrown deep into the jungle in a huge lake within it so hes basically trapped there forever. and flippys just a regular ass private and he knows the tiger bomb mission was just a massive setup to kill him and his friends but he cant do anything about it so the night before the mission he goes outside to look at the stars and the water all emo-like and miserably one last time because hes accepted hes gonna die and the spot he chose is literally the lake fliqpy was imprisoned and when flippy looks at his reflection in the water it distorts to fliq since he's looking back and starts talking to him and. flippys super sleep deprived and insane and its the dead of night so he doesnt even fucking care that his own distorted reflection is talking to him in the lake now and thinks hes probably just dreaming. and fliq asks him whats wrong and flippys like "im gonna die tomorrow :( cant do anything about it" and fliqpys like "yeah that sounds unfortunate. i bet youd like not-dying over dying right" and flippys like yeahi guess, and then fliqs like "i can do that for you! stick ur hand in the pond" and flippys like "what" and fliqs like "do it. Put Your Hand In The Pond" and flippys like fine, and puts his arm in the pond and has to dig around for a bit in the water to find the dogtags and when he lifts it out hes like "what is this gonna do" and fliqpys like "yeah that. that thing :) dont worry about it just replace that with your regular dogtags and everything will be sorted out. lol. lmao" and flippys like ok fuck it i have nothing to lose and does as he says and fliqs reflection is gone at this point so he heads back to his camp and falls asleep. he wakes up and literally nothing has changed and hes convinced its just a dream so he goes out 100% sure hes about to die today. and the tiger bomb mission happens the same with his friends dying and fliq appearing and flippys like Ohhhh. u WERENT just a figment of my imagination. and fliqpys like "yeah im here to take over your body as my own so i can properly free myself" and flippys like "oh. dont do that please" but fliqpys a massive asshole and kind of only tricked flippy into the events of last night bc when he saw flippy he realized he could switch out his physical inhabitance from the dogtags to him so now flippys fucking stuck with this murderous incomprehensible entity and fliqpy is originally only using flippy as a temporary host until he can create his OWN body and inhabit that (which will also probably kill flippy in the process once he leaves him) but theyre also in the middle of a war so hes like ok, i have to keep flippy alive until this war is over so he can keep being my host, and then when its done and we leave i can get to making my own form freely. but his plan goes south because. he falls in love with flippy and then is stuck between striving for the freedom hes been wanting and calculating for since the day he was imprisoned and staying and caring for this silly green bear whos shown him kindness hes never had before even in the face of betrayal and its not like he can do both because again itll probably fucking kill flippy so hes just so torn up over it and he doesnt recognize these feelings he has for someone seemingly so insignificant and. yeah

im going to die

[nicegaai]

ahhhghgh im so nuts for my own au i have a collection of post-canon oneshots for the universe all planned out,. why do i keep writing these !!! i forget ab them until they resurface from my big misc thr document. i dont know what im gonna do w them like am i gonna ever publish these in any form... i dont knowww!!! but i love daydreaming them up

my favie-est that im confident will never be worked into the main storyline and therefore i have no guilt ab spoilers: emil expresses he wishes there was more romance in their relationship bcz he hasnt really experienced a proper romance, and sigurd decides to take him out on a Really Nice Date Night. emil doesnt catch on immediately bc its ooc of his brother obvi, and acts like a brat about the restaurant choice (hed rather go out for greasy fries or sm and this secrecy ab the location is suspicious, hes like ur fucking with me i dont trust like that) until sig calls emil his date to the waiter and that CHANGES EVERYTHINGGG >///<!!!!!!!! and then they go see a movie all romantic like, make out in the theater a little bit, and go back to their shared apartment. and they open the door yknow arms around each other and building up to Something and mathias in the other room is like YOOOO AHAHHA HEYYY GUYS.. my moms here!!!!!! come say hi!!!!! and theyre like. ah. shifting into platonic mode. hiiiiiiiiii we went to see umm a cool action movie with explosions in it. as brothers. and then emil is like Well i need to go do homework . nice to see you auntie love you well buye. bye now. goodnight. and sigu holds back on following him upstairs until auntie is gone bc he is responsible. and their walls are thin :[ and because she brought home cooked food which is really good

this oneshot probably doesnt end in sex because i think its funny as it is, but thats as far as i wrote so idk it could still end in an E rating. im just obsessed w making these two date while kind of acting like brothers. its about the. the dynamic................

i think about these three in their shared apartment an unspecified time in the future, and sufin living nearby and engaged with a dog and a backyard., SOOO much. and everything is ok between them. thats all i want. my vision .......... (the original vision was the five of them in a house together but ber in my brain decided to propose to timo and do their own thing and i love that for them)

my other favorite one is The One Where emil does a DNA test as a (college) class project and unearths some tea. that one is 3 dense pages of dialogue and is in bad shape bc i kept changing details lol

ughhhh. itll be nice when i get the story written. i need to go insane ab it again. i need to hammer out the next chapter in one sitting on 3 cups of coffee

[arsen1cs4ng0]

shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

[tungle-scant-sequels]

rewatching mandalorian with @ravioliofthesea and i wrote an actual essay-sized bulleted list (with his contributions) about how That One Scene in s2ep7 makes me bonkers in discord messages. i am importing it here. spoilers for aforementioned episode below

mando is in a position of extreme vulnerability. the only people with him are a shitty criminal that tried to put him in prison once, and a fuckingf imperial warlord. the criminal is helping out here

because of point 1, mando's body movement is limited. he's not used to emoting this much, so he holds his body stiff and rigid. he looks down at the table and barely moves his face, only glancing at people frmo the corner of his eye. when he's approached by that one guy he is frozen. this is a contrast to his usual helmet body language, where he cant really make small, subtle movements in his armor. his helmet keeps him from having peripheral vision, so he can't really corner glance people either. the discomfort in this scene is so visceral god

when first approached by the guy he stares straight at him like a deer in headlights. the dude is frozen

also the fucking harsh light?? in his face?? the light is coming from the window, lighting the side of his face that the warlord is looking. it's like he's in a fucking spotlight, which is how he probably feels right now. the side that mayfeld is on is in shadow (mando feels slightly safer with him)

mayfeld is very respectful of mando. a lot of this is subtle body language, but when mando gets confronted by the warlord guy he awkwardly and very bluntly pulls in to save him. also after shooting the guy mayfeld immediately hands him the helmet and looks away when he puts it on, then assures him that itll be private. he also avoids making eye contact with him

(from @ravioliofthesea) the helmet is mando's sense of security. it's how he's able to stay calm, but this is unusual state of complete vulnerability. mando looks to the table, then to mayfeld for security after the warlord says something especially shitty, and immediately looks him full in the face after mayfeld shoots him and it's clear they're in danger. this is where mayfeld responds by handing him his helmet after mando glances at him mayfeld immediately looks down to avoid eye contact

mayfeld is probably the best character to talk to the empire guy. he doesn't really care about personal honor, he is extremely survival oriented. the empire guy tried to appeal to him with morals and personal honor and greater good bullshit. if it was mando or anyone else, they would have questioned him or tried to debate him. mayfeld recognizes most of all that being a war hero doesn't fucking help anyone if they're dead. he also recognizes that the civilians they fought in his war were also trying to fight for their own survival

the transition from cold to hot anger in this scene is VERY. very good. mayfeld is able to contain it for most of the scene but the scene slowly gets tenser and tenser. you can tell he is ABSOLUTELY seething mad and it is SO satisfying to tell him that what's dead is dead. then he shoots him and then everyone else. one can guess that he's in a state of extreme anger (dead cohort) and panic (in danger). it's Go Man Go

combination of the past two points: it's such a mayfeld thing to do to just fucking shoot him. the guy cant be debated with he's off his rocker and also a military official🤢

he also deserved to be the one initiating the fight. fuck that guy

yeah the message here (fuckign. shoot the guy) is pretty blunt. i love it

this is also probably where he got his nihilism in the first place. did he have ideals? who fucking cares anymore man his entire cohort fucking died

the thing about what mayfeld said about still rules broken in harsh circumstances turned out to be true lol. as said above this is coming frmo a pretty survival-oriented person in the first place

in short the acting in this scene is VERY good and also military leaders who are Like that have it on sight

[daedalusdavinci]

Hiya, I just discovered your blog and binged all your riddlebat fics. I just wanna say I really love your writing and imo you really captured the riddlebat dynamic quite perfectly. I instantly became a fan. If you don’t mind me. I’m gonna drop in my riddlebat prompts if you’re still doing them. “just let me look at you for a little bit” or... if whumptober is still on “no. 26, no one left behind” Anyway, hope you have a wonderful day!

first of all thank you SO MUCH im crying. i was never doing whumptober as a prompt thing, but i CAN do the other one (the yearning prompts this is from, for ppl who want it)

h owever, uhhh. lol. congratulations to you because i actually had a bit of an insane moment while trying to write up a little drabble for that aaaand its gonna be a fic. yeah. its gonna be a fic. youve heard of straight to dvd now get ready for straight to ao3

ive had this idea for ages now about a riddle/bat detective au where theyve got sort of a sherlock/moriarty thing going on and i wanted to play around with it for this prompt and whaddyou know i got carried right the fuck away. im not going to upload it today so i can edit it and probably. keep adding onto it more so its got a bit of a nicer ending instead of the usual random stop i give drabbles. but, when i do upload it, itll be over 1k so you know. ill tag you on tumblr when i do finally post it!

[millsv2]

"Twitter" Ramblings

I just did a big thread on twitter that I'm gonna cross post here because idk I feel like it has some good thoughts. Sorry if it sounds a bit weird here since it was a bit disjointed and cause its Twitter posts™

For Context: I, in my immense worrying, decided to go through my entire following list on twitter and try to see if they had a tumblr or art station to follow in case Twitter really does truly burn to the ground.

---

Yippie! ive hit the point of worrying that im now actually scrolling through every person i follow to see if they have a Tumblr or Art Station or w/e the fuck

I ended up finishing this last night... all 1,527 people i follow... absolutely deranged behavior... but now i have the peace of mind that i follow a decent chunk on another social media...

I wont lie everything thats been going on with [Twitter] because of HIM is legitimately deeply concerning to me... No other social media works like Twitter does for artists seeking employment... Like i know im not popular [on Twitter], but it widens the base to connect with others

and having said base immensely increases job prospects. Literally my friend recently got a job with the assistance of Twitter connections (and i couldnt be happier for them). Its a very real thing, and unfortunately to my knowledge, no other true social media has anything similar

Like sure you could make the case that its on Art Station or LinkedIn too but to me those are far too professional and more just "gallery sites". Same with deviant art and New Grounds those are also just gallery sites I have a gallery, its my portfolio website.

I think if things really do go to shit, I of course still wont delete my twitter... but any actual interaction with people will be greatly reduced and mostly move to tumblr, even though my following is way tinier [on Tumblr]... It'll mostly become "i just share art [on Twitter] and thats it"

I know people are making Lists and such to keep track of people but like... when a site is becoming actively hostile to you for not spending money on it??? i dont want to spend my time here...

again this isnt the "im leaving cya bye forever" post im still sticking around till everything truly burns to the ground... but i definitely needed to set up alternate places to share my work far sooner (other than instagram cause lord i hate insta)

If thoughts do end up getting shared [on Twitter] after everything (stuff like this) itll probably just be crossposted from tumblr since it has a button to post to twitter (idk how it works though lol)

So again, to all the people that follow me and enjoy my work. Please follow me on other social media. My links are on my website at the top right.

I just hope it turns around for this site

---

I know following doesnt matter as much here on Tumblr (the site literally does not show your follower count to anyone but you)... but i genuinely hope i can get back to even my small twitter numbers... Like dont worry im not a massive clout chaser or anything...

but posting into a void to only receive interactions in the single digits really does fucking sting.

Like at least on Twitter or Insta i can post stuff and will average around like... 30-50 likes on a post... which of course isnt a lot, but its nice seeing my friends among them and the occasional new person and hoping that seeing my work at least made them smile to see it. anyways im just hoping anyone that followed me on twitter will find me here and that i can make some new friends with people here too.

[twildflower]

watching build fighters oh my fucking god i love my boys so much

fucnin yapping again guys i think i might have adhd

why the hell do i keep saying guys. i nedd hep i need to be killed

i miss them so much theyre so silly i am sooooooo ajhdgfshfga this is so much nostalgia im aghgfhgsgkjfhakfhajkhdsjh and just episode one too i cant think how hype id get watching finale itll be so fucking awesome I LOVEEEE BUILD FIGHTER my fav gundam show.... mercury is second i guess i only watched mercury and i think its iron blood or whatever its called in eng im not even sure if its gundam lol but anyway i love sei and reiji theyre actually sooo damn <3333 i think they were the first two guys i ship together bc theyre actually so gay even tho reiji has a gf or whatever its like one of the first pieces of media i consumed and didnt just like whichever main ship the plot has... yea iirc. i think theres mainly only jp twinkle n shugo chara before build fighters but then i went back to main ship in pokemon xy and macross delta lmao... shits awesome tho i think im cool and like whatever i like i love sei so much hes so adorable and reiji is so cool and theyre blue and red theyre so made for each other like ahhghdgfsjgfhsgfisgfjgfjdghsuifguiwdg i think i mightve gave myself way too much adraline its fuckin 430 am and i wanted to cut my hair a bit tmr agh damn. i guess i could stay up the night and binge....hehe....... was watching horizons too i love horizons a lot i really dont mind ash not being protag anymore but the fact that they ended with him looking like a fuckin ugly ass idiot that looks even worse than gen 1 ash tho..... i have beef with only that fact bc like fuck you man i hate whoever the fuck made that artstyle after xyz with a passion i think tney deserve to go to hell. the fact that its a downgrade from gen1 is crazy. i dont hate that artsyle but i hate the way ash is drawn in that artysle like most other people look okay but the past travel companions and ash look fucking shit and i think theyre doing it on purpose and i fucking HATE THEM

ermm back to gunpla hehe its 6 am im so tired im gonna sleep em anyway i love them soso much damn id so build a gunpla of their moedel in the episdoe.... yknow my dad used to record the edpisodes when they played on tv and idk was it a bug or there wasnt enough space anymore so he deleted all the episodes excepgt the las one or maybe seocnd last im not sure but anyway we kept rewatching it every now and then and go feral over how awesone it was it was the best endin episode i wached when i was a kid like shugo chara i didnt watch or they didnt play till like season 2/3 i think the wedding dress end and all that shit was crazy but the only other thing i watched was jewelpet and it was like not as crazy as this one i like it alot but build fighters was a lot more visually and emotionallly stunning lollll

i think if i had to choose a best ending for all the stuff i watched itd still be xyz tbh that shit was stunning and so. urgh. my heart. i get. so much agsjhahlf. its just so good. peaked tbh. then itd probably be build fighters tbh like idk man. delta was like. cool. very cool. but like. idk. build fighters either is more nostalgic or whatever it just appeals to me more than macross. it would be third tho. i think it is. then itd be shugo and then twinkle. these are like. the main stuff i have really core memorty w lmao. yeh i uess this is it. gn im so eepy

last edit lol i didnt remember the uhhh handsome guy being just a guy that also liked gunpla a lot at the start lmaooo i just remember him being a bad guy turned good at the end w everyone to help destory the crystal........aghhhh i loveeeeee build fighters sm.....

oh yeah i guess i did watch brs too. black rock would like. hm. be at the bottom tho bc..idk. i dont have too fond memory and i like my stuff better i have my prioritys lmaooo.. hm. yeah now i really dont rmb anything i just remembered brs bc the blacckkk rockkkk shooooterrrrr is just ringing in my head its such a good song owo

[foursdarkdays]

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

(PLEASE DONT READ THIS IM BEGGING YOU)

Ouch. That stung. Very bad. Ahh i can feel my heart breaking into pieces and im having a breakdown. I feel so so so helpless. I really can't do anything about this. I have no way out now do i? Please universe please please help me please.

I'll do anything. Hold me from breaking apart every time. I should be used to this by now?

Right? It's been so long. It should be normal. But as the days go by i can't take it. I'm breaking so bad. This is why i hate love so much. Only pain and hurt. But do you think i can let go? No. The most dumb and stupid award should be given to me. I hate everything

6:46 (19/8/24)

I want a day where it doesn't hurt me anymore.

But i guess that day will be the day im not in love anymore and I've completely lost feelings. I dont want that.

7:06

I love myself too much. I want to be happy. I will be happy. Me me me me and only me.

Every time i close my eyes her Instagram story flashes ahhh i want amnesia. I want to hid my head somewhere and lose all my 24 years memories. It hurts THAT much. Or maybe I'm over reacting too much. Its prolly the latter lol ok.

But i know its something she can't help too so lol both of us are helpless. Im just opening up here and she's not. Now i need to give my brain some rest. I'll be offline the whole day to heal

7:47

[dirt-grub]

my gender is male but like specifically a nasty horrid little guy

[skenpiel]

wonder if i should sell my hair

[taonsil]

people keep saying to me ‘after what you’ve been through’ and it’s still sinking in that I have been through things that aren’t ok and it’s not just that I deserved it _(:з」∠)_