#will my health allows it ? even if it did ...
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A question.
We're in a situation where there is no more Fao and Finn.
Shiv has left, taking Fao and Ely (epoch's, but too much to talk to both of us), and leaving all our fics frozen still.
As mentioned previously, you can find shiv on ao3, but all of my work has only ever been on here.
Would people be interested in a rewritten situation where the Daniels etc remain (but without Fao obv)? Fao left in prev works but removed from future? Leaving the blog frozen with no changes or additions? Completely new characters on a new blog that has zero to do with the boys?
If anyone has any tips etc, they'd be appreciated.
#ev posts#faofinn breakup#this isn't how i expectedly the blog to go ngl#but i also didn't expect to be split up either tbh#we've got five years of writing every single day behind us#but now I'm not allowed to even message every day#hell even any week#shout out to mental illness for ruining my life again#ironically enough it wasn’t my depression that broke the straw#but i did try and off myself the same day shiv broke up with me lmao#and not a week has gone by without a tragedy#I've had too many deaths in the family#and three prealerts#two resus stays#and another three admissions#and not one of them was for my bloody mental health#it's literally a broken heart#they've actually genuinely considered it and it blows my tiny medical mind.
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I decided to look yoga apps up because yoga has mental health benefits and I wanted a way to stretch and work my body's muscles, improving flexibility and generally just making sure my body is moving and my muscles are working. Instead the first app I downloaded immediately asked for my height and weight, which I should have taken as the red flag it was, because after putting in the information being 5'6 and 200 pounds gave me a fuckin orange writing warning I'm obese and "might need to lose weight to be healthy."
I don't know how or why anyone would make an app where the first thing it does is insult the user and fat shame them instead of oh, I don't know, give me the simple yoga routines I was looking for but I immediately deleted that app because I'm not interested in immediately bring told my body is wrong and bad and needs to be changed! It's deeply dehumanizing, ignorant, and alienating. I don't care if you think I'm a fat piece of shit all I wanted was a way to move my body, not a needless and ignorant lecture from an app using the famously extremely accurate and not at all problematic BMI 🙄🙄🙄
#winters ramblings#this is as bad as my parents Wii shitting on me for not pkaying it since i was 17 and apparently weighing more#at 23 thsn you did as a CHILD isnt allowed. why would you IMMEDIATELY alienate new users to an app anyway??#how dare you insult me with TWO measurements and NONE of then were health markers#this fat phobia shit is ridiculous im not even out of strsight sizes and i run into this shit#you people want to whine fat people arent healthy but at EVERY tirn you do everything you can yo humiliate them out if workout spaces#fatphobia
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i have to wonder what super hardcore militant vegans think should be done about obligate carnivore animals, because in all my painfully-rapidly-approaching-30-years i've literally never actually seen anyone give a clear consistent much less halfway feasible answer on that
#mostly i've just seen like “how dare you ask questions you just want an excuse to murder you're sealioning ect”#or worse some vague and wildly improbable nonsense about like. fake robot animals covered in beyond meat or something equally convoluted#which is a thing i did see someone suggest as a serious answer#i mean i already know they think i'm a genetically inferior hateful vampire that should starve to death for the greater good#because my exact combination of health conditions make meat basically the only semi-safe way i can get close to enough nutrients#i know this because they have repeatedly told me that i'm either evil or should be sacrificed or both#and yelled at me for asking questions by bringing up the whole disabled thing and then they're like#“a lot of vegans i know are advocates for disability!” as if that ever means jack shit in the society that results from anything#no matter what you do a vast majority of people in any given society will *not* be advocates for the disabled. i'm sorry they just won't.#and what do you think public perception of people who physically can't survive like that is going to skew towards#in a society founded on the belief that non-vegan diets are evil?#at absolute best we're looking at being a heavily marginalized class generally seen as something like vampires and our existences taboo.#(as if these type's own insistence that they should be allowed to harass and shame people doesn't disprove their assertion that we won't be#thinking it could possibly go any better than that is a fucking fairy tale. human nature doesn't work that way.#you simply cannot eliminate the human desire to designate and abuse a class of have-nots. the absolute best you can do is mitigate damage.#take it from someone who's been multiple kinds of disabled and chronically ill all my life. people will not “just”. ever.#i get this even from people who are otherwise very aware of and VERY GOOD at avoiding this sort of thinking#“i'm a disability advocate!” no you are not. you are a poster. my experience has taught me that what people advocate for in their free time#means precisely jack shit for how they will actually act when faced with the situations they make otherwise rational posts about#and the fact of the matter is even if you somehow really are the perfect disability advocate a majority of people WILL NOT BE YOU.#a majority of people in society will be margrat from accounting who clutches her pearls when she sees the gays and thinks autism isnt real#and who has never had a nuanced thought in her life and actively does not want to#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will not be you and your friends who march with wheelchair users and volunteer at the shelte#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will be jenny who starved 8 cats to death on broccoli because she can't be bothered#and who thinks that “carnivores” are actual nazis and don't deserve healthcare because she saw someone say that online.#ALWAYS assume your society will be made up mostly of the worst kind of person it can because it WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE and you can't change it#most people seek the low-effort option. and evil is most often banal and low-effort.#i'm just so fucking tired of every single even vaguely lefty-adjacent political movement simultaneously acting like i don't fucking exist#and at the same time that i need to be sacrificed to achieve Utopia. god. at least conservative whackjobs are upfront and honest about#how they think that i'm a burden on society that needs to be Eugenics'd . rather than trying to morally gaslight me about it.
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Doctors visits as an AFAB person that have absolutely nothing to do with potential pregnancy and do not at all match symptoms of pregnancy be like:
Doc: "When was your last period?"
Me: "I'm currently on my period, it started (date)."
Doc: "And are you on any birth control?"
Me: "Yeah I have the nexplanon arm implant."
Doc: "And are you currently sexually active?"
Me: "Nope, haven't been for years."
~ Fifteen minutes later ~
Doc: "Well your pregnancy test (that we didn't tell you we were doing or ask your consent for) came back negative so it's not that."
No. Fucking. Duh.
#doctors who do this are pieces of shit just btw#if you dont believe me about my own fucking reproductive health why should i trust you to believe me about ANYTHING?#ndr#not dog related#there is literally no excuse for not asking for consent before doing that and not allowing me to say no you cant do that#its basically fucking ledger fudging through conpletely unnecessary insurance charges#denial of informed consent in medical care too#and yet it happens. every. fucking. time.#oh you're here because youve had heart palpitations and fainting spells since you were a child and you finally want them checked out?#oh you've had all over severe chronic pain and digestive issues since you were a teenager a decade ago?#MUST BE PREGNANT.#dont even need to do a pregnancy test as a precaution for ANY of the procedures or tests they did on me#its basically just saying “hi we dont believe you about your own medical history or value your consent at all”#i have such a big issue with consent in medical settings since being forcibly medically sedated without my consent or any warning at the ER#tell me what the fuck you are doing and ASK ME FIRST
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My friends are killing me ... they wanna do a gathering since it's been few years since the last one ... someone just send me the invite and that killed me !!!
Why is it a Natsuyuu theme ?!! That's kinda unfair .. I asked why and they said "so that we make sure you'd come for sure since we know you LOVE them" 🫠
I mean, they know I may not come for many reasons be it health and such so they try to tempt me to come by going "it's Natsuyuu themed, we'll even watch an episode together" etc 🌚
They even did their best to make a comfortable enviourment to suit my health which moved me almost to tear ....
But ... even so ... no matter what I think ... I doubt I can just go ... haha
#few even start begging me to just come since yesterday ....#and that I'm crucial memeber which .... uhhh I don't see myself so ...#the amount of love and care had me by surprised tbh#I really do have such great friends ... after all the really bad friends I had in my life before them ...#I really wanna go and join them ...#will my health allows it ? even if it did ...#since it's on another city my family won't allow it much ...#oh well ... feeling their love is enough for me#also I'm happy they don't know my mad love for Seiji (only one knows) or else I can see them use him to lure me in lol#but uuuuuugh don't like they might talk about natsuyuu with me not around ><#anyway that invite had me laughing for some reason lol
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#minor health rant ok i'm sorry it's just. i've been debilitatingly ill on and off for this entire last year and it hasn't once let up#and i've had to deal with uni and grades and assignments and adjusting to living on my own for the first time#all while having an autoimmune disease that went undiagnosed for the first six months i was at uni.#and i've only just started to process how difficult this last year really was bc when i was in the thick of it#i just told myself i had to keep going. i had to get through it. and i DID i got through this entire year#and i did my exams and my labs and my assignments and i joined a sports club and a choir#and i balanced all of these things whilst i was actively iron deficient and malnourished and recovering from pneumonia#not to mention the literal Chronic Fatigue and Malnutrition Disease i didn't even know i HAD#AND YET. AND. YET. my family has turned this into a joke#i'm not even allowed to be that upset about it. they still expect great things from me bc that is who i am that is who i have ALWAYS been#and i don't know who i am anymore!! i don't know what i can do!! i spent ten months so sick i could barely function and i still DID IT.#it's no good telling me they're proud of how resilient i am!!! i don't want to have to be resilient i want to be WELL#i don't want to be told how strong i am i want the simple comfort of being allowed to REST#i don't know how many more times i have to remind them that i have an actual CHRONIC INCURABLE DISEASE before they listen to me#ANYWAY. complaining over lolol i'm sure i'll be fine!! haha#it's not like i'm ever NOT fine lmaoo#ok everyone back to scheduled posting. realness over !!#🙏🙏
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Going to any medical appointment or like intake phone call or anything that isn't just my yearly endo check-in is always just me aggressively fighting off the voice in my head that keeps telling me to say some shit like
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here, nothings wrong, you're wasting your time i'm sorry i'll see myself out, you don't need me to be here"
And i'm TIREEEEEEEEED
#monster noises#i've gotta be an active participant in my health!#in many ways things are Not Good! and I wanna get that Sorted!#i'm allowed to access care even if i'm not in the MOST pain or suffering with the WORST version of my ailment#and argueably i think some of my issues are worse than I assume they are!!#because i have a history of high pain tolerance and being just kinda waysided by specialists#A H#but i did it#i did the call#and the appointment yesterday#and both people where very kind and sweet#but also like AH
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My mom: *telling me how she's only done what's best for her kids*
Me: *reminds her of a time when she absolutely did the worst for us because it benefitted her more than not doing it would have*
My mom: You have such a creative memory! Wow! You're gaslighting me! This is abuse!
#parental abuse#abuse#bad parenting#bad parent#trauma#childhood trauma#literally this started because she refuses to remember that she sold my water bed for crack money#like. that was the only bed I've ever had that didn't make my back hurt while i slept.#and she sold it. for crack.#and she's all bullshit that never happened!#and so i ask her about like two other shitty things she did and never apologized for#and she pulls out her new favorite word - gaslighting - which she learned from some dumbfuck tv show she's been watching#but when i ask her if she even knows what that means she goes see that's gaslighting!#like. no. gaslighting is telling me things i (and my siblings!!) have a vivid memory of never happened.#trying to act like i have no business being mad at her is#acting as if I'm being dramatic. that my childhood was normal. that not having food or power and living in a crack hoise is average.#i cannot wait to get out of here in december. only 18 long weeks to go!#if i ever have to live with her again I'll kill myself. these two years have been worse for my mental health than anything ever.#I'm a whole ass adult yet I'm not allowed to so much as leave the house without her demanding to know where I'm going.#i have to lie to her if I'm going to see my bald dude (rare. but if it happens) or else she gets pissed at me for seeing people???#but if i say I'm visiting friends (not entirely a lie) she'll accuse me of going and doing gay shit?#because apparently being queer is the worst thing your kid can be in her mind#that i haven't kicked the shit out of her has to be some sort of testament to my patience as a person right?
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Due to some personal stuff I'm thinking of pulling the zombie au out of fnaf and making them just ocs. So I'm curious what other people think. Please don't just say do what you want/what makes you happy. I don't know what I want, that's why I'm asking for other people's opinions. I'm gonna schedule this for in a few days so I'll hopefully be feeling better (nvm I'm moving it to now, July 1st instead of July 3rd 'cause I'm an impatient bitch and the waiting is actually giving me more anxiety)
I'm just lost on what to do and would like to know what anybody who follows this au (if there's anybody) would like to see
Reblogs are off 'cause this is personal. Please leave any comments you would put in the tags in the replies instead
The gist is that some people have been uncomfortable with the au having pregnancy (idk who specifically as I was not told to my face) and I'm wondering if it might be better to just pull the au away from the fandom entirely, especially since Sun is canonically a guy and I think that's part of why people are so uncomfortable.
But yeah, I just feel very down about the way people have reacted to this au and am wondering if it'd be better to just sever it from fnaf completely so that hopefully people react slightly less disgusted.
Which is absolutely a valid feeling, don't get me wrong. It's just frustrating as a trans masc person that non female or non female presenting pregnant characters (and not to mention irl people) seem to get treated like it's a disgusting thing they're doing whereas female pregnancy is put on a pedistal as the most amazing thing a woman can do. Which is also wrong, everything about it is sexist and transphobic.
Honestly I thought about discontinuing it entirely, but I won't. I worked hard on the art and characters for it and the depression and anxiety don't get to decide this shit for me.
#zombie au#zombie apocolypse au#ellery speaks#poll#tumblr poll#ellery's art#ellery's writing#sundrop#moondrop#fnaf au#i'm trying to be vague as to what exactly happened since idk if i'm even allowed to talk about it#which fucking sucks 'cause it fucking hurts what happened#but if i complain i'm the bad guy 'cause *I* made people uncomfortable#so i'm just supposed to shut up and take it even if it's personally fucking over my mental health#and sending me into anxiety spirals so bad my meds can't help and i can't sleep easily and when i do i get nightmares#i'm just tired#i'm tired of feeling like i'm not allowed to be upset because i'm not the victim#and if i speak up at all i'll get treated like i'm trying to argue and say i did nothing wrong and get pushed out entirely#i'm tired of being me#of being anxious and depressed#i just wanna have normal reactions to things#not feeling like smashing plates and hurting myself when things go wrong
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trying to decide if i want to show the counselor/therapist my self insert art or not djdkslsl I think it is too obvious that it's Me to ever be able to say "hey look at this cute art i did of two random characters neither of which are me or in any way connected to me :o)" but AUGHGHGH she wants to see more art of mine and most of my art recently (ALL of my art so far this year i think) has been selfship stuff,,,
#i dont think she'd judge but its just... trauma stuff fjdkdl#i am not ''allowed'' to have feelings for anyone ever fjdkdl i am not allowed to feel these things#its amazing I've been able to share selfship stuff at all even relatively anonymously on here tbh sjdkdld#the one time i put up any sort of poster/photos of a couple musicians i rly enjoyed (and wasnt crushing on at all lol) i was put thru hell#just for having a person's face up on my bedroom wall as part of a collage with my art and stuff#so fjfjdkl i never did that again and any selfship stuff w fictional characters has been a guilty secret until last year fjfkdl#WHICH HONESTLY. IS RLY GOOD PROGRESS I GUESS IN SOME WAY?#once again selfshipping and the community has somehow helped me more than any mental health professional ever has LMAO#okay im sharing too much and rambling but dhdksl decisions decisions... i have some art saved to show her maybe#I'll just delete the selfship art out of that phone photo folder if i decide i dont want to share it djdkdl#i would like to though bc goddamn I've made some rly good stuff the past couple months djdkdl#and i never get to share my art w ppl irl so fjfkdl AUGH#dandy.cmd
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#want him. badly. miyoni akita my beloved#hes $15 and $15 too expensive for us rn lol but hopefully ill be able to get him soon!!!#i have a snaps application so maybe thatll help ease the financial burden a little bit#im home from the hospital btw. worst 28 hours of my life#there was a guy screaming at the nurses and calling them the n word and the t slur and threatening to attack ppl#i wasnt allowed to close my door and this happened in the room next to mine#they eventually had to sedate him#but it was bad even leaving that part out#they said they gave me a medication they never did#they never called my mental health team like at all. libby had to tell my therapist i was in the hospital#theyre supposed to keep you a minimum of 72 hours but let me go next day#the only book that wasnt like the last book in a series that i havent read was fucking nuts#had two graphic suicides in the first chapter then had child r*pe in it like graphically#i didnt really go watch the tv in the lobby cause of that guy#so i sat in a tiny room with no windows and just laid there#the first psychiatrist i saw was evil like questioned all my diagnosis and told me i shouldnt have ptsd from chikdhood issues#like it shouldnt still be effecting me#she also tried to take away my plushie but the nice nurses stood up for me so i got to keep moonmoon with me#ive been really not myself since i got out#ive been really angry and short tempered#i have nightmares about being in a cage#if im being completely honest i almost think i feel worse now then i did before#but im just going to keep it all to myself cause i never ever want to go back#so if anyone asks im feeling much better and im perfectly fine :) lol
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#I held out as long as I could but I finally had to resign today#my boss is just too nice to lay me off even though my work produces almost no business value 😭#like they just did a reorg of the teams that means QA will be stretched too thin over devs#and he���s not allowed to hire any more manual testers#this is not the same situation I was hired into!#I’m a ‘nice to have’ type of employee and they managed without my role for a while#I COULD have made myself indispensable in the last year but I couldn’t be bothered#I was busy writing fanfic and having a baby#not to mention the health shit like my wife getting covid and stranding us at my sister’s house across the country#or my older kid being hospitalized twice for respiratory failure!#so I just did the bare minimum IF THAT#and now a year later it’s all THE YEAR OF EFFICIENCY and all that bullshit#just like the rest of tech right now. bunch of dumbass capitalist copycats…#if my manager weren’t such a good dude he’d have offered my role in exchange for the manual testing hire(s) he CLEARLY needs#I really hope that my resignation helps him either get the new hire he wants or protect the rest of the department from layoffs!!!#I’m so glad I finally got it over with 😭#I start my new job in May so I’ll have a couple weeks to chill!!!
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Everyone be like: Sometimes I remember a weird thing I said/did years back and now I can't sleep.
And I'm like: Sometimes I remember a negative offhand comment someone made about something I enjoy/like. Now I remember it each time I do/think of said thing and it puts a negative spin on it most of times.
#tw mental health#sometimes i hate my good memory#like whenever someone said sth bad about something i will remember it and it takes months or years to get rid of it#like months until I am able to even enjoy it one time again#or like depending on what was said#it can be the slightest shit such as 'people that do xx are dumb#or xx is such a crap how can anyone like it?#and people don't even know i actually like that thing and what their words just did to me#like I don't say you have to like it#or shouldn't be allowed to talk about your feelings about it#but damn sometimes....#NO NEGATIVITY IN MY PROXIMITY#no matter for what#oh or the classig when I do something that I like and then people tell me I'm shit at it#goes in the same category#reason I once almost stopped writing just after I'd begun#reason i DID stop drawing for years and now am slowly getting back into it
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was abt to go out to the gym but the adhd referral service finally emailed me to say they need me to call them to book an appointment and it says in the email they don't make appts via email but I'm DEAF I Know they know that bc its on my fucking patient form UGHHHHH
#emailing back to ask if they can make an exception in these circumstances.. ive waited SEVEN MONTHS for them to contact me#im not falling at the first hurdle.#if that fails I'll have to rly nicely ask my flatmate to call them for me and I can sit there with her to pass on any information 🥹#but health services fucking hate it when someone else makes a call on ur behalf so they might not allow that either#why are these systems so inaccessible#I cant even go anywhere in perspn bc its completely online smhsmh#its fine. its fine im going to.the climbing gym and theyll probably reply to me tomorrow im not going to cry thinking abt it#AHHHHHHHHHHH im rly glad they did get back to me.tho i got rly scared when i saw theyd indefinitely stopped accepting applications#even tho i submitted mine ages ago.. i was worried it would take over a year to get through the queue at this rate#i rly rly rly hope its not too painful a process i just want a diagnosis so i can try medication for this shit man#and i hope the med waiting time isnt as long as they say it is bc. another seven months. 🥹🥹🥹🥹#uaaaaughh ok im out of here#.diaries
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I feel like growing up with parents that are rabid conspiracy theorists about anything and everything affects you like. way way way deeper than most people do (or maybe want to?) acknowledge. and I just wish it was talked about more honestly
#misc.txt#ventish#(<-not too bad just tagging for blocking purposes)#like. this is embarassing to say but my parents were and still are severely anti vax. so at some point I need to go get#proper rounds of vaccines#bc obv I was not fucking allowed to#preferrably uh. fucking soon if I can work out how to do it without them knowing#(and if I can't I guess. I'll have to figure out some health insurance stuff bc I could literally be in danger if they did know.)#(which is a whole can of worms on its own.)#and EVEN THOUGH I fully 100% know that everything they fed me was bullshit#I still have so much deep fear around it bc it was drilled into my head so fucking hard growing up#x will kill you. y will make you sick. z will probably damn you to hell forever but maybe not who knows better to be scared and 'safe.' etc#and it's so hard to even explain it to ppl because they go 'oh so you still believe that stuff' and no!! no I do not!!#Ive just been trained since birth to be afraid of anything n everything!! I've been fed lies for my entire life!! thats hard to shake off!!#I WANT to do good things for myself but my stomach drops on instinct just thinking about it#and I am so so so tired of having to be brave about things I never should have had to be brave about. that's all ig. I'm tired.#like either ppl think you have also inherited their insanity OR they just look at it like 'oh haha funny quirky kooky'#no it's kind of torn my psyche to shreds in ways I'm still uncovering. but w/e go ahead and laugh <3
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Something happened at work and I don’t even have the words to ramble about how upset I am about it I just feel so defeated and I don’t know what I can even do or why someone in a position of power would choose to do this to someone like as human beings
#I’ll talk about it later but broad strokes my friend who has similar mental health issues as me has been fighting to get disability#accommodations at work that like aren’t even really an ask they’re things that other people are allowed to do without accommodations#the only thing that not everyone is allowed to do is have two telework days a week most everybody gets one and they’re requiring her to take#an all day state psych eval and release all her medical and mental health records to the company and kind of also therefore all other#employment through the state of Virginia because it’s a state job? and she has been diagnosed and getting medical treatment for years her#therapists have been fighting to get her these accommodations and talking with hr and hr and my boss (also her boss) have been saying if she#doesn’t do the evaluation and release all her medical records she’ll be fired and it’s discrimination and she’s planning on quitting before#the eval that they sprung on her for Friday but like this is a job where we defend people with mental health issues and you’re just going to#discriminate against mental health issues within your company?#if they made me do that I would have to quit I’m not going to let Virginia state jobs have access to my mental health records but also it’s#so shitty and it’s coming from HR and our boss so it’s not like she can go to HR about it f#other people in the office knew before me and have done nothing but say oh that sucks#maybe I did have enough words to ramble about it actually my bad#I’m going to cry about it I feel like but it’s not going to help anything and I just want to fix it#this isn’t how you should treat people#it’s disgusting and discriminatory
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