#will just be unpleasant for both of us
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hands on my knees im actually working 58 hours this week
#im TIRED#next week michaels doesnt go so hard so it shouldnt be as nuts as this week and last week#brot posts#i stayed an extra hour and a half today at michaels bc i wanted to do the sunday craft lolll#we were painting wooden frames again#the craft goal was making it into the sun but i made mine into a generic star#did a cool gradient trying to capture limb darkening#didnt bring it home with me today cuz it still had to dry and it was raining so im gonna take it home tomorrow lel#oh and the kids were very fun today#idk like lol im already kinda shy myself so when a shy kid comes up to me im like. how do i act#i also dont know what to say because i am also shy. lol. and i also was once that shy kid so i feel like trying to force conversation#will just be unpleasant for both of us#but when the kids are outgoing and willing to talk its fun lol#i was explaining how to do the gradient effect with the paint to one of them she did a great job
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I've had earlier this morning a dumbass horror dream that got more and more vivid and tangible as it progressed.
It reached the point where I partially woke up in my room within that liminal space where I'm dreaming but not quite and a humanoid sleep paralysis demon was at my bedside.
In the split moment it reached out to bite my neck I thought "Aww it's like a hug <3" and it stopped being terrifying and I woke up alright.
#commentary#just made things awkward for us both but that's fine it deserved it#also it had long jaws and I felt it tickle my neck#very unpleasant
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Fiber arts (crochet and knit, especially) tip I found helpful: It's great to be a yarn snob, but first, find what you actually like to work with. When you're beginning, you might be working with acrylic, and that's fine. There are plenty of great options for acrylic, and even that one material can be vastly different between brands (honestly, I think people don't recognize this enough! Acrylics are actually a diverse material!). However, you might like working with other materials more as you progress, and it's good to see what you'll like! I've been working with 100% cotton recently, and I really, really like it - much moreso than the acrylic I bought when I first crocheted, and I never knew that I would have liked it more.
It's okay to work with whatever you can, especially when it's your only option. When you get the chance, though, think about some things you like in a material. What textures do you like? What colour options do you prefer (bright/muted/natural)? What is realistic for you when it comes to caring for your projects once they're done? These are all important, and they're things that are specific for you. There is no such thing as a "bad material," only materials you like and want to use. It can be intimidating to feel like you're not at this pristine place of yarn-snobbery, but truthfully: it doesn't matter as long as you make things that you like, and being able to explore what you like can be really helpful.
#art#fiber art#knit#crochet#i think this could apply to other forms of fober crafts but i'm not well-versed enough to make such a sweeping generalization <3#i know sometimes people use 'yarn snob' to say that they are very specific in what they like and that it's not indicating...#...that they think they're somehow 'above' a person with less expertise or experience...#...i just think sometimes beginners can be (understandably) intimidated by all of it...#...and you can start really over-thinking your decisions and if you're Doing Art Right rather than just Doing Art#it's the Doing Art *Right* that will often set you back#it's OKAY to use whatever is both available to you and is of a quality you like#like i don't MIND acrylic - the one i'm using for the fazbeanie is an acrylic...#...in fact the fazbeanie yarn (Big Twist 100% acrylic in chocolate brown) made me learn that acrylic can have really nice softness...#...and it's a very smooth acrylic too. this other skein i got for practice was. very unpleasant for an acrylic#ANYWAY. rant over. for now.
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#oh hey i just caught myself harboring Unnecessary Nightmare Scenarios#that last post made me think about how the only thing stopping me from getting another dog is money#like i could afford having a friend for savu. it would be no problem#BUT in a situation where i lost my partner and had to provide for the dogs by myself and they'd both get sick i'd be in deep trouble#which has sounded like a completely rational thing to be aware of. a completely valid reason for not getting another dog#except that is quite a few things that need to go wrong before the deep trouble would actually hit#and is that really the way i want to live my life? waiting for this relationship to end? accepting that eventually i will be left alone?#that my current life is nothing but a brief respite from a continuous struggle with both finances and illness? a glitch that will soon pass#it actually doesn't sound valid at all when i write it out like this#i have a partner who brings another stable paycheck into this household. i have no reason to believe this would change anytime soon#i have a wonderful dog that would probably benefit from having a friend#shelties are not super prone to any major lifelong diseases or such so it's unlikely the new dog would need constant expensive treatments#i think this thought pattern got a hold of me when savu got sick last spring#it was scary and unpleasant and i still feel raw around the edges after experiencing all of it#(the dog is fine by the way! definitely better these days and i'm super happy we got the surgery. we have many good years ahead of us still#but like. i'd like if my brain accepted 'this summer was scary and i'm not sure if i'm ready to possibly experience it with another dog'#instead of feeding me lies about a future where i'm all alone and desperately poor#but hey i've never caught this one before! now i know this thought pattern exists and can do something about it#sussitalk
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always so funny to me that ketamine in tv and movies is always like "omg party drug... but watch out!" meanwhile IRL I am preparing for my biweekly ketamine dose by wearing my softest jammies and cuddling up in a fluffy blanket with a heating pad and firing up stardew valley.
really living life on the wild side over here.
#it's doctor-prescribed but#I've been on very heavy and very light doses for pain & mental health and it never feels very fun#I don't get the emotional/psychedelic/dissociative effects as much#which mystifies my doctors#but it does help VERY much with my pain and a little bit with my mood so#I just put up with feeling dizzy and heavy and unpleasant for an hour or two twice a week lmao#and I just switched doctors and it's going from $90 a bottle to $60 thank god#cw:#drug use#I am actually amazingly good at playing stardew while high now#I kept running into walls and stuff when I first started#both... in the game and in real life#but concentrating on something light and repetitive helps with the dizziness#and I can even catch fish and do the skull mines in stardew now lmao
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yknow i noticed the small steps method doesn't help me and only stresses me out more. and like i just get stuck on the first step anyway and never move on to the next one, i'll probably even go back to the start eventually really. i'm apparently an all or nothing guy i can't think of an action as multiple actions bc it stresses me out i just need to either do it or not. the problem is i usually end up not
#i talked to my social worker abt this today#bc like he said that in order to have an easier time going outside i need to do it often enough to get used to it#but for me it's like. i go outside when i need to. yknow?#(days where my anxiety is painfully debilitating don't count lol)#i'm gonna be uncomfortable anyway. bc being outside is inherently unpleasant for me. it's not smth i can get used to#i compared this to going to the dentist. you do it bc you have to but you won't go just to get used to it yknow?#so my thought process is. i'm gonna have to start going outside every day soon for the art program. so i'm just gonna do it#i took a bus one time with my mentor/guide(??) to see that i can do it and i did. so i broke the barrier kinda#but it's not like i'm just gonna take the bus for fun?? i'll get used to it as i do it. i think. like i was before. hopefully#idk it feels pretty obvious to me but it baffled him i think 😭#both of them offered to just go downstairs with me. sit at the lobby of my building or smth#but it feels silly to me like. if i'm getting dressed i may as well go do smth yknow??#idk. again it makes a lot of sense to me but i don't think they get it#i think i'm generally very odd when it comes to other ppl in this recovery program 😭😭 just like i was in that social anxiety support group#(aka everyone went there for stage fright which isn't an issue for me i like being on a stage. hate one on one conversations tho -#- which was comfortable for them. so this was. well. the first step!!! in a lot of its sessions. and it just made me feel bad)#anyway that was my ramble. sorry. my brain is weird
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my entire family goes to bed at 9:30 because i live with fucking old people (im joking. somewhat.) and from then on i have to move around the house quietly. this wouldn't be a problem except that my door is incredibly and uniquely fucked up and nigh impossible to open even remotely quietly
#and it can't be left open because the cat will beeline into my room and make my life hell#every door in my house is absolutely fucking horrible in its own way but my room is really bad#the doorknob is like. dislocated. or just made for a much thicker door because the middle part of it is like 3 cm too long#and i either have to align it carefully or pull on it (makes a very loud sound) and then using a very specific amount of pressure turning#while continuing to pull on it so it won't pop#oh and i can technically open it turning both directions but going right makes it pop so fucking loud it's actually ridiculous#the very unpleasant sound of painted metal on painted metal#kiwifae says shit#my partner of two years is just getting the hang of my bedroom door#my friend came over and literally got stuck in the bathroom cuz she couldn't make the door open again#she literally tried for a few seconds and then just yelled for me 😭#that door also pops open randomly sometimes. i do not know why. it didn't use to.#back when the front door was still semi functional i had to fish the literal latch out of the cavity in the lock with a screwdriver cuz my#mom kept slamming the door and misaligning it even though we told her that's what fucks it up#we can only deadbolt that door now. it literally won't close otherwise. (that's how we lost the cat for five days!)#(back when it still semi worked i was the only one who knew how to close it at just the right strength so it would stick but not fall out)#((why isn't there an eye twitch emoji))#but our other outside door exclusively has a deadbolt. that's the only mechanism.#i'm the fucking door wizard in my house and i cannot WAIT to move somewhere where i have functional semi modern door handles#gawd bless i want to kill my fucking landlady
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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The Obsession is really important though like. For so long (and I'm still unclear on it, as I sort it all out), I've REALLY wanted to figure out how to portray that Moe Is on the aro spectrum. That, even when it experiences something like "romantic feelings", it's just. Different.
#moe tag#i wish i could elaborate but it's something i really struggle to parse out myself LMFAO espp like.#i experience a degree of romance repulsion too. which is extremely funny to implement into moe#this guy hates this so fuckinh much. this is its own personal hell. it is so angry about it. it has SO MANY PROBLEMS.#but it loves alfonse. and alfonse loves it. it doesn't matter what that looks like. they trust each other and care deeply for each other.#also something adjacent is like. using traditional romantic themes as horror. that's something else that's in the back of my mind#esp regarding mani. it doesn't fit. doesn't feel right. it's unpleasant for both parties involved.#idk idk. moe is just having the worst time of its life. allowing itself to be loved.
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Cannot sleep :/
#just pav things#lying awake here with Inigo meta thoughts#specifically the nuances of why he never intervened when Archie and Dism were fighting#He is torn between these two ideas of reality— whether Archie is dead or alive. That is true.#But eventually the latter idea takes more of a foothold; which is just a recipe for mental disarray#It’s a break from the comfortable cycle of self-hatred and destruction. So this new thought has to be counteracted to maintain inertia#So as I understand it he’s now caught on those lingering feelings of abandonment that Archie has left him with. and he is Not Happy.#Because just as he interpreted himself as being a replacement for Dism#He’s interpreting Archie and his little motley crew as a further refusal to move on from the past#And because Inigo acts on impulse (as seen best with the 💥 arm getting blown off) he’s using that momentary anger#to distract himself from the core issue as he lashes out ✨#He’s kind of a hypocrite that one. Stresses the importance of embracing unpleasant memories as a fundamental part of your character#(To the point of berating Idyllia for going the total memory wipe route instead)#but he is ALSO an escapist at heart. Neither of them want their definition of pain so they both have terrible routines to try avoiding it ✌#I’m sorry if this made no sense Dolphin I will probably do a retake with more braincells in the next few days#You know I’ve been analysing the design of this kindergarten in sydney for VCD#It’s called Nubo. Now I’ve always had a fondness for Scandinavian aesthetics but this is PEAK#So I went down a research rabbit hole and I came out of it with a clear concept for what Amonea Montessori School should feel like!#It’s this sort of cross-concept between stereotypical Australian architecture and hygge#Those oak panels and muted colours and glass everywhere#And I can carry through to an overall unique visual identity for Amonea#After all Byrgir should feel similarly detached from Earth in it’s own subtle ways#Tapping more into solarpunk and that overall comforting feeling for Amonea in particular~#I’m so happy :D
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The dichotomy between believing it's a good thing to learn to get along well with others even if it sometimes means compromise vs knowing that if you are always working out how to do so and deciding how much you can get out of every compromise it has measurable consequences on your mental health and your ability to have close relationships at all
#i both think that everyone should be a little more calculating for the greater good and would not wish it on my worst enemy ♥️#the eternal question#is it better to have positive but distant relationships or risk upheaval by haing any one of a number of genuine unpleasant conversations#i think the real answer is you just have to be both pleasant and genuine about it but.#the lord (non existent) did not deign to give us all that personality#so the rest of us simply have to cope#if you noticed my typo no you didn't my phone keyboard is fucked ♥️
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if i was someone with any kind of consistency i couldve been known for ach'm. my stupid sexy frog man. (who is also a cyborg)
#he literally had like no backstory when i made him#but i was also 12/13 when i made him#imagine the world where i didnt have adhd and couldve drawn him like. every year. consistently.#imagine the world where i didnt have adhd and i was actually able to properly develop him as a character#you know what fuck it maybe i should just make the story about him and his brother. what the fuck.#he could still join a scary fight club circus. i feel like thats still crucial. he could think he dies in it and wake up like WAH#(the secret lore of both ach'm AND me is that i originally made ach'm to participate in an OCT on dA)#(it was called tapestry of horror)#(and the funniest fucking thing ever happened:#another contestant took a shine to ach'm and thought his crush on her character was funny#and used him as a side character in her entries.#13 year old me was super fucking stoked about this#BUT WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING WAS: even though she credited him to me in every single entry#people still didnt know that he was NOT her character??#funniest shit ever. i dont blame her for that at all and we were friends for a time after the oct was over#tbf she gave him way more personality and nuance than i ever did (i mean i was 13 i didnt know how to do anything yet)#OCTs kinda. bring back some unpleasantness but the idea of them is still really fun to me. wistful days...
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I'm so happy tastes change when you get older
#i love dr pepper now#kid me hated it#maybe i should try other things kid me hated#like black licorice#... that's all i can think of#i like onions mushrooms and tomato now. kid me didn't#and i still dislike broccoli and brussel sprouts#they both have very strong flavours that i find unpleasant#they used to make me throw up#my gag reflex isn't as sensitive anymore but sometimes i still gag#i also just find broccoli kinda seeps into whatever else it's cooked with#i cant really enjoy the other parts of the dish if broccoli was ever involved because it becomes the only thing i can taste#idk 🤷♂️ it's 4am and i accidentally made myself nocturnal#so you get strange ramblings
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now that im No Longer Mentally Ill (/j) and have a life with two jobs and things to do i find myself drawing further away from tumblr and especially finding myself in a cycle of being frustrated and just never being able to be on tumblr without getting mad about something or another, and then i stop going on it as much, but then i miss it, so after like a week i start picking it up more again, have maybe a normal week or two, and then it devolves into annoyance and frustration again. anyway im in one of those annoyance periods right now
#multiple factors feeding into this just all around you are all so fucking annoying#the website as a whole i mean#between staff and then the fucking weird political takes (on both sides) about barbie#and barbenheimer just. existing at all#and now this shit is just the icing on the cake its like. i cant stand it lollllllll#now that im No Longer Mentally Ill im like. damn. something is making me feel unpleasant? maybe i should stop doing it then#brot posts#my most used social website rn is literally flight rising i am on those damn forums all the time#tumblr is becoming increasingly insufferable my new social media will be the dragon petsite forums !!!!!
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this week me n Books got dressed up and went to a slightly famous fun new restaurant,* the next day we stayed in for a cozy movie night,** and the next we met their mom for dinner.*** it’s almost like we’re building a life together or something****
#also got absolutely railed on my birthday godbless#actually we had sex every night i was at their place this week which is. a lot bc we be fuckin for hours#it's great but whew that's a lot of time! ya girl has been sleepy as hell#* canje atx- it was fun and i would recommend it but i probably wouldn't go again#each thing we ate was good (except i hated Books' drink and they did not like the (v mustardy) callaloo) but most dishes weren't balanced#and they didn't present them in a way that made a lot of sense (i've been to one of the owners' other restaurants and it was similar there)#it was also unbelievably loud in the restaurant which would have been very unpleasant but it was fine being there with Books#like it was a bummer bc they had just finished the first ep of black sails and i'd just finished the first book in their favorite series#so we were both psyched for a good conversation over dinner but! not possible!#but we still had fun bc they're the only person on earth i could just look at and not talk to for an hour and a half#ANYWAY the appetizers did absolutely fuck we had a little tropical fruit salad and saltfish fritter and they were bomb#and i looked Cute in my little black dress with my new leg tattoo#** we had never done a movie night in before?? we've gone to the theater and we've watched tv at home but#hadn't done a full on lights out cozy blankets quietly stare at the screen for two hours before. it was great#*** my first time meeting a Mom and it was weird and scary and awk bc they aren't out to her so i had to use the wrong pronouns for them#but i survived. and they aren't super close for complicated reasons so it won't be a regular thing but. it was okay.#**** i spent christmas AND my birthday with them and#ok they're in school right this is currently their first semester of college#and they mentioned to their mom that they might be transferring/moving before they finish#that was my first time hearing that so i brought it up later like hey what did you mean by that where are you planning on going?#and they were basically like. if you pick a state i'll pick a school there#like it is time for me to start applying for jobs and i had been planning on bringing up this slight possibility with them but#i decided to wait until next week or later bc i didn't want them to feel obligated to say what i want to hear bc of my birthday#but they brought it up. because as usual we are very much on the same page#i don't even particularly WANT to move out of state right now but#to know that i wouldn't have to make the hard decision between them and my career? gosh#they're so good#i'm so glad i kept an open mind when my friend offered to set me up with someone the exact opposite of what i was looking for lmao#remember after that weekend i had those two first dates and i was like idk ab this Bookstore one... l m a o i was a fool!#now i am still a fool just in a different way
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My dog is having the worst night of her life (or at least the worst since last year's New Year's Eve)
#still 3.5 hours to go until midnight#and it's already been almost 2 hours since people started randomly setting off fireworks outside#the entirety of her small frame is trembling and she's looking at me like she's begging me to make it stop#and I have to stay chill as best as possible although it doesn't really make much of a difference now#managed to take her outside to pee at least#but it's literally impossible to get even a few minutes without any loud bangs ripping through the quiet#she's in a loop of 'I need to go outside!' and 'no let's go back inside!!! 😨'#not expecting to be able to take her on any walks until 2-3 am 😮💨#unless she needs to poop so urgently that it overrides her fear just long enough to get the deed done#I always forget exactly how stressful it is#for both of us#but at least I understand what's going on 😅#doesn't help that my home town's situated in a valley so shit really echoes even from relatively far away#and I really hate firecrackers with a goddamn passion#somebody could shoot a gun into the sky on the street outside and it would be just as unpleasant a noise#my kitchen hood's been running for hours to drown out the noise from outside as much as possible and it did buy me some time early on#and makes it so that she doesn't hear every single piece of firework that goes off#been listening to music through my earphones to drown out the noise of the kitchen hood so I don't go crazy myself#3 more hours to go now#hoping that maybe there'll a bit of a break soon as the kids that got it out of their system before going to bed go to sleep#everyone else maybe deciding to wait until midnight to use up the rest#I just need 5 minutes#maybe even 10#to let her outside#please#I am not relaxed at all and she surely notices that too and it's not helping#god what I would give for a soundproof room right about now#excuse me while I start ineffectually digging a bunker in the garden#🙈#meanwhile my mom's cat is completely unfazed xD
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