#will i ever get over s12?

[4c-aperture]

spn was the top fandom BAR NONE for a decade on this site, wdym there are only ELEVEN jody/mary fics

[g4rvez-r3id]

I’m Here, Now

Post Prison! Spencer Reid x Girlfriend!Fem Reader

Synopsis: Your boyfriend, Spencer gets released from prison and you’re his first stop after dealing with Cat Adams and her schemes. And all he wants to do is see you and love you.

Category: Smut, Fluff

Warnings: 18+ MDNI established relationship, prison arc, spoilers of season 12 of Criminal Minds, it’s a lil sad tbh but it only lasts for a second, reader’s in disbelief, spencer and reader being cutesy, crying, kissing, mentions of bruises, threats, sappy speeches, fluffy ending, lowkey not true to 12x22/13x01 so this could be an au! smut warnings: soft!dom spencer (firm believer here🙋‍♀️), a lil body worship from reader to spencer, oral sex (m receiving & reader receiving), facefucking, cum swallowing, “good girl”, riding, unprotected sex, mentions of masturbation, creampie, overstimulation, spencer lowkey being a munch- that should cover it ��

Author’s Note: hey lovelies, i can’t stop writing smutty oneshots ahhhh i can’t help it, i just love my man 🤭 i hope y’all enjoy this because i’ve had my mind on prison arc reid bc i’m watching s12 rn and oooo he so fine in 12a and in 12b 😩 anyways hope y’all like this <3

You worried that maybe he’d never come back. Upon hearing he was in jail in Mexico, you worried you’d never see Spencer again.

If your past self could tell you that your boyfriend, Dr. Spencer Reid, who was a nerd at heart, who spent his free time playing chess and reading and watching Doctor Who with you under your fluffy blankets and wore mismatched socks because he believed it was good luck, that he would one day end up being framed and sent to prison, you would’ve laughed in your face.

You never would’ve expected this to happen. But then you heard why. He was framed for murdering a woman named Nadie Ramos, who was helping him get his mother medicine that seemed to calm her from her episodes. If there was anyone he would’ve risked everything for besides you, it was his mother.

And to be honest, you were a little mad at him for lying to you. He told you that he was going to Houston to talk to some of his mom’s doctors. You’d been together four years now and not once did he ever lie to you until now. When he got transferred to the Milburn Correctional Facility, due to overcrowding, he’d requested to see you and only you.

It wasn’t until Spencer wrote you a letter, practically begging you to come and see you. The first time you’d gone to see him, you actually didn’t even recognize him, skipping over him and almost staring at him in confusion when he walked over to the other side of your plexiglass.

And you tried to play it off like you expected him, even while looking like he did, but he knew deep down you didn’t recognize him. He chose not to acknowledge it but you both knew.

And you visited him frequently, until he decided to cut you from the visitor log with no warning. You were hurt, to say the least. And you ended up avoiding everyone after that. You even ignored the many fruit baskets Garcia kept sending over but you kept sending them back.

But then a miracle happened.

They proved his innocence. And he was out.

You would’ve found that out if you’d checked your phone but you spent the entire day in bed, away from society and sobbing at the fact that he was gone and he wasn’t here, comforting you like he did so well.

You hated him, you hated him for putting you in this position, for making you deal with the aftermath, for pushing you away. But you loved him. You would never stop loving him, no matter how much you hated him right now.

You’d been laying in bed, tossing and turning all day as the TV played some random sitcom you watched every now and again. And you’d heard something. A soft knock coming from your front door.

You almost missed it but it was faint. And you heard it. Choosing to finally get out of bed, you opened your room door and walked to the front door. You opened it without checking the peephole, because at this point you’d had enough and just wanted death to get you over with already.

But death may have stopped your heart only for a moment when you open the door.

Because standing there, in the suit he’d gotten arrested in when his bail was denied, his hair outgrown and his stubble framed nicely on his face — was your boyfriend, Spencer Reid, in the flesh.

You gasped softly as you backed away from the door and stared at him, almost as if you were disbelief. You’d had a dream like this before. Where he came back and promised he was here to stay. (But it was another one of God’s cruel jokes and you cried when you woke up the following day).

He walked in and closed the door right behind him, standing tall in front of you. You noticed the bruises on his face, how his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed and stared at you.

“Hi.” He said softly and all you can do is stare at him. “Am I dreaming?” You find yourself asking out loud and his heart breaks. He can see that you’re scared. Scared that if you go up to him, he’ll disappear like smoke. And he hates that.

“No.” Spencer shakes his head and he waits for you to approach him and you do, walking slowly towards him as the floorboard creaks beneath your socked feet.

He waits as you first grab his hands, and interlock your fingers together. When that seems not to be enough for you, your hands move to his face. You caress the sharp new grown stubble on his face and drag your index finger to his plump lips and stare into his hazel eyes and they’re full of wonder and love.

You don’t even register the tears until you hold him in your arms and you hold onto him for dear life. He holds you tightly in his arms as you find yourself wrapping around him like a koala and all he can do is hold you back. And it grounds him, you ground him.

Your head moves towards his and you kiss his lips, like you’ve longed to do for three months. And part of you still couldn’t believe this, that he was here, holding you like you were going to break.

You kiss him a few more times before you pull back and ask with tears in your eyes, “Are you okay?” Spencer nods toward your forehead, “I’m okay, now that I’m here.”

“You’re here, now.” You look him in the eyes as you say this and he nods at your words, repeating them to himself. “I’m here, now.” It’s as if he’s reminding himself that he’s here with you because he’s worried he’s gonna wake up any minute and he’ll be back in that cell. You weren’t the only one who had a hard time believing this was real.

Spencer’s lips catch yours and he pushes into the kiss and you get back on the ground, your hands (or mouth) not leaving him for a second and making their way up to his hair and pulling. You whine into his lips as he you pull him by his belt and walk backwards to your bedroom with him following you.

With your strength, you twirl the two of you around and straddle him as you continue to kiss him. You rock your hips into his growing bulge and he moans into your mouth and you smirk in the middle of the kiss.

You begin to unbutton his suit and successfully get his blazer off and now next is his dress shirt but he’s quick to grab your hands and you look at him with wide eyes.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” You ask, willing to put a stop to this if he wasn’t ready. “Nothing, I just…” Spencer looks down as he lets go of your hands and seemingly now growing insecure all of a sudden.

He stands up from the bed and you look up at him as he holds his arms over his stomach. “I just… I got hurt pretty bad in there. You’re gonna see some bruises. I just don’t want you to freak out. He admits and your heart breaks, “You don’t have to take your shirt off. Or we can just stop entirely and—”

Spencer shakes his head, “No, it’s okay. You’re gonna see them eventually.” With that, he begins to unbutton his dress shirt and you give him all the time in the world to do so, not wanting to rush this at all.

When he takes off his dress shirt successfully, you finally see it. He has bruises everywhere on his ribs and some near his belly button and on his stomach. Some are still in the process of healing with yellow and gray hues and some are purple and mucus green.

“Oh, my love…” You whisper to yourself as you stand up and you turns him around and find more on his back and there’s just too many of them. You find yourself tearing up but you know you need to keep it together for him. Who could hurt your sweet boy? Was this why he didn’t want you to see him anymore while he was still in there? How long did this go on for?

It’s then that you register the bruise near his eye. You thought that it was due to the lack of sleep he’d been getting and assumed it was the bags under his eyes he so often got but it was a bruise. How did you miss that when he walked in?

He almost wants to hide himself, like a turtle under its’ shell and you look down at his body. “Baby…” You start but he shakes his head. “I’m so sorry.”

He looks at you as you guide him towards the bed and he lays back and you go back to straddling him, but this time, you’re careful as you hover over him.

You kiss his lips before making your way down to his neck and then to his body and it takes a second for him to register that you’re not just kissing his body, you’re kissing the bruises.

He feels himself getting choked up as you kiss every visible one and his heart swells for you. What did he did to deserve you?

You begin to unbuckle his belt but he rests his elbows on the bed and looks down at you. “You—You don’t have to…” He trails off but you quickly shake your head. “I know. But I want to. It’s your first night back. This is about you tonight, baby.”

Spencer doesn’t interfere, just stares as you unbuckle his belt and pull out his cock through the hole in his underwear and it springs into action, dripping pre-cum from the head. “Oh, my sweet boy. You must be so pent up.”

You kiss the tip of his dick and he shuts his eyes tightly as if he’s trying to hold back from already cumming. You lick up his shaft and fit his cock inside your mouth and he curses to himself as he grips your bedsheets as tight as he can.

You notice this, grabbing his hand and interlocking your fingers together, as if you’re telling him and giving him permission to touch you as you bob your head up and down.

He takes this opportunity to caress your face as you take him into your mouth. He ties your hair into a makeshift ponytail as he pushes deeper onto his cock and even lifts his hips to ensure that you’re taking all of him until you’re gagging.

“Let me know if it’s too much, okay?” Spencer tells you and you nod to the best of your ability until you begins to fuck your throat, using your mouth for his pent up pleasure. “Fuck… God, you’re so good at that. Letting me fuck your throat like the good girl you are.”

His words could make you cum on the spot without him even laying a finger on you. He rarely cursed in your domestic setting but he did it often when you two were in bed.

All you can do is take it as deep as it can go in your mouth. He whines into the ceiling as he says your name until you feel his hot cum dribble down your throat and your nose is buried into his crotch as he holds you there and makes you take all his cum into your mouth.

He pants as he releases your head from his cock and you swallow the rest of his cum. He looks at you with worried eyes, concerned that maybe he’d gone too far. “I’m sorry, baby. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” He asks, like he didn’t just cum into your mouth and call you a “good girl”.

You shake your head at him with a small smile. “That was just about the hottest thing you’ve ever done.” (And everything he did was always hot). He blushes and crooks a smile.

“Are you willing to keep going?” You ask him and he nods with an immediate answer, “Absolutely.” He’d never let you go to bed without making you cum at least twice.

You climb on top of him with a smirk and look deeply into his eyes. They’re filled with lust, love and adoration for you and for you only. “You’re so beautiful.” You say to him in a whisper but Spencer chuckles a bit, “I should be saying that to you.”

You look down as your pussy catches the tip of his cock and you sink down into him carefully. He moans at the feeling and you gasp. He fits perfectly.

“God, I missed you. Missed this…” Spencer catches his breath. “Perfect pussy.” You chuckle and looks into his eyes as you rock back and forth. “It was so lonely without you, Spencer.” You whine. “I missed you so much.”

You lean down as you kiss him on the lips. “Did you…” He pauses, not wanting to be crude even while he was inside of you. “While I was away?” It took a second to figure out what he was talking about. And then you realized that he was asking if you’d masturbated while he was away.

“A few times,” You admitted shyly, despite suffocating him with your pussy. “I thought about you every time. It just wasn’t the same. Missed your body.”

Spencer smiles darkly, “Maybe I should punish you for that.” He says, half-joking. You lean forward as you smirk, “I’d like to see you try.”

And without a second thought, it was as if a switch flipped as Spencer was quick to flip your bodies over and he hovers over you, both hands on either side of your head, gripping the pillows. “You really wanna test that theory?”

You bite your lip and smirk once more as you pull him in for another kiss and he glides himself into you and you gasp at the feeling of his dick inside of your pussy. It’d been such a long time since you felt him like this, here, in your arms. God, you love him.

He rocks his hips, thrusting deeply into your body as leans his head in your shoulder, mumbling sweet obscenities and how good your pussy feels and how responsive you were. He dreamt of the day he’d have you like this. And since being in prison, he longed for it more.

He reached down in between your legs as he found your clit without even looking down and staring deeply into your eyes and your moans reverberate through the walls as keeps his eyes on you and you only.

“Baby, I’m sorry, I need to cum— where? Where?” He asks and you shut your eyes tightly as you shout, “Inside! Oh, god, inside!”

He pushes himself hard into you as you finally cum, your legs shaking as you moan his name into the ceiling and he collapses on your body, still sheathed inside of you.

You both lay there, panting and reveling in the feeling of each other. Eventually, Spencer does pull out of you and you feel as he lowers himself, eyeing your pussy up close and you look down at him sleepily. “Baby, you don’t have to. This was about you.” You assure.

“Nonsense,” Spencer tells. “I need to clean up my mess and even the score, might as well kill two birds with one stone.” He jokes, diving face first into your pussy and you whimper at the contact he makes, especially with the way his stubble is rubbing against your thighs, cleaning his own cum out of your pussy and relishing in the way you both taste.

His mouth captures your clit and he twists his tongue around the bud in that delicious way you love and he moans into your pussy. “We taste so good together, baby. Cum again on my tongue, this time.”

You tug at his messy hair as you hold his head to you pussy and you use him, rocking your hips into his mouth. You feel as your legs shake once more and you let go of his head for him to take a breather.

That breather lasts only a second before he dives back in and you whine at the contact. “Spence… baby, I’m sen—sensitive.”

“You can take one more, baby. I know you can. You can cum again.” Spencer says, his pupils are blown as he looks at you and he’s commanding you to cum again. “Just one more, baby.”

You nod at him and Spencer grabs your hands. “Here,” He interlocks your fingers with his and somehow, the pleasure is so much and yet not at all as makes you cum for a third time tonight. If he could spend forever eating your pussy, he would.

You close your eyes for a moment and when you finally open them, he’s right next to you and holding you. (He’d cleaned you up properly with a warm rag and left your favorite snack and water bottle on the desk next to your bed whenever you were ready to wake up). You remembered the loving words he whispered to you as you drifted off into a heavy slumber.

And you’ve finally woken up. You look up at him, still in awe of him being here. You take the chance to check the time. It’s already 5am and the sun is still shy away from rising but it doesn’t matter. None of it matters because you have your boyfriend right next to you, holding you for dear life and loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

You worry that he’s still up, but you figure that after all those months in prison, maybe he has trouble sleeping every now and again. You find yourself holding him tighter as you look down at the bruise near your head. You can’t believe he was hurt. How did he manage to survive in there? You’re still wondering why he’d taken you off the visitor’s log.

“Spencer?” You ask and he looks down at you, your voice surprising him. “Yeah?” You sit up and look at him, face to face, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Why did you take me off the visitor’s list?” You decide to ask.

He’s about to respond and you don’t want to hear another lie. You’d been through plenty of those already. “I mean, I didn’t even want to see you at first and then you begged me to and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t allowed to. I feel like I have the right to know.”

“No, no, you do,” Spencer knows that much. He hates the fact that he’s lied to you and has forced you to deal with this when all you deserved was the best from him. He sits up next to you he knows he’s gonna need to tell you, even though he doesn’t want to.

“The last time after you came to visit me,” Spencer started. “I got cornered in my cell. A lot of the guys there were asking about you. And they said that it’d be a shame if something happened to you when you came to visit again.” You look down as he talks about it. “And I didn’t want to risk that. And I wanted to tell you, really, I did.” He grabs your hand assuringly. “But I didn’t have any way to. And I didn’t want you to get hurt. I would’ve died if something happened to you and I didn’t do everything in my power to stop it. I’m sorry it went down like it did.”

You shake your head. And you finally understand. Because if the roles were reversed, you would’ve taken him off the visitor’s list, too. If it meant protecting him. “You were just trying to protect me, I understand.”

“I just…” Spencer looks at you, holding your face in his hands. “I love you, so much.” He looks deeply into your eyes. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He reveals and your eyes widen. “What?”

Spencer closes his eyes and holds his index finger up. “One second.” He stands up and grabs his blazer from off the floor and digs into one of the inside pockets and pulls out a red velvet box.

Your eyes widen as you cover your body with the sheet and he kneels down on one knee in his boxers and opens the velvet box to reveal a ring. “I didn’t want to do it like this but I’d rather do it now than wait for the right time to.” Your eyes glance down at the box for a mere second and then to the love of your life.

“I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You make my days better, hell, you’ve made my life better. And no matter what we’ve gone through, you’ve stayed by my side and you never ran. I love that you sing off-key, I love that your nose twitches when you get mad, I love that you like… pineapple on pizza, oddly enough.” You chuckle at this. “I love everything about you. And I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve you. But… but true love, it fosters a connection that goes beyond the superficial. It's a bond that often involves understanding each other's core values, beliefs, and life goals. And you’ve made me believe in true love.“

You stare at him in disbelief as he continues, “Will you marry me?” You feel tears spring into your eyes as you nod vehemently, “Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!” You smile widely and he smiles at you, slipping the ring onto your ring finger as you continue to mutter a million yeses.

When you finally get the ring on, you pull him in for another kiss and he holds you to his heart’s content. It wasn’t the way he envisioned it going, but with you, you knew you didn’t want big and bold ways of him saying he loved you and wanted to marry you, you were content with something small and sweet because it was coming from him and that was the biggest gift of all. You were one for grand gestures, you liked it just the way it was. It was perfect. He was perfect. And you’d spend the rest of your life reminding him he was.

So, you laid back in your bed with your fiancé and talked and talked about sweet nothings until the sun came up. And all of the ache you felt the night before, the pain you endured was long gone and now replaced with something beautiful and sweet.

[reiding-writing]

not the same anon but “sit down” “i’m sat” angsty spencer sounds like an amazing idea my god, like i dunno post-prison spencer just feels so, not the same? 😭 i know a lot people see the sex-appeal but i also really like seeing the broken side of spence after s12

CHANGE [ONESHOT]

Spencer changed after he was released from prison, and an unintentional late-night scare from you leads to a conversation that neither of you ever thought you would have.

WARNINGS: mentions of spencer’s addiction, mentions of maeve’s death, mentions of spencer’s prison treatment, harsh arguments, emotional breakdowns, optimistic ending

post-prison!reid x gn!reader || angst || 4.2k || masterlist!!

a/n: you understand me. everyone is so focused on spencer being sexy post prison i feel like the emotional side of what he went through is completely forgotten-

Spencer had changed a lot after his incarceration.

None of the team were really surprised. They might not have known the details but they knew he didn’t have a good experience; That the ripple effects of what happened would change his personality.

You could still see the flickers of the man you’d met those twelve years ago in his demeanour.

But sometimes even the most minor of things would remind you just how different he actually was.

Spencer’s elbow almost catches you right between your eyes as he turns around sharply, and if it wasn’t for you reflexively pulling your head backwards you’re sure you would’ve fallen over with a red mark planted on your forehead.

“Woah-” Your hands join your reflexes as they instinctively come up to protect your skull from the bone of his elbow, and you take a few steps backwards from him as they fall back to your sides. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,”

You’d done nothing more than walk up behind him to read what he had been jotting down on the large whiteboard at the edge of the room, but Spencer’s seemingly unconscious response told you that he didn’t see it the same way, and you could see the flicker of apprehension in his eyes as his arm gradually dropped back down to rest against his thigh.

“No, it’s okay, i’m sorry for over reacting,” Spencer offered you an awkward half-smile before turning back to the white board, and you have to consciously suppress a sigh at his demeanour.

You knew he’d been through a lot. Of course he had.

But that didn’t stop you from mourning the sweet innocent Spencer you’d met when he was just barely 23 and innocently oblivious about what the next decade would put him through.

You find yourself gazing at the back of his head for a little too long, and Spencer again turns around to look at you, his sweet socially-awkward roots deftly hidden under a mask of feigned strength and confidence.

“Are you okay? Did you need something?” Spencer’s voice cuts you from your internal analysis of his change in wellbeing, and you physically shake the thoughts from your mind as you reply to him.

“Yeah- Yeah, sorry i’m fine, just got lost in thought is all,” You gesture your words with your hands like it’ll distract from your lingering gaze. “I was just uh- coming to see your progress is all, it’s getting pretty late and the rest of the team have already left for the hotel,”

“Ah, well.” he gestures vaguely, to the board behind him, as if he wasn’t sure he actually wanted you to see it. “Yeah i’ve made.. progress.”

You look at the board behind him. It’s nowhere near as filled out as much as it should be.

"I think we’re all struggling with this one," You try to offer him a soft reassurance along with a gentle hand on his shoulder, but the minute you lift your hand Spencer jerks away again from the touch, causing him to lose his footing and nearly fall to the floor.

"I- i’m sorry I didn’t-" You instinctively move to try and help Spencer not fall over, but catch yourself as you figure that physically reaching out towards him is doing much more harm than good, and you take a few steps back from him with your hands clasped behind your back.

He looks away, and you can’t help the pity you feel. The man in front of you is not the same man Spencer was even a year ago. He might have physically recovered from his time in that hellhole, but mentally he would take years to recover.

You can still see the shame in his eyes as he tries to brush himself off and regain the composure he can’t seem to keep when he’s around you.

He turns his attention back to the board, trying desperately to make up for the lack of progress he’s made.

He’s usually good at hiding his emotions and feelings when he’s working, but even with a mask on you can tell that he’s not well.

"I’ll- leave you be now-" You forced out the words through pursed lips as you begin to retreat slowly towards the door, eyes locked on Spencer’s expression and how it changes at your words. "Sorry-"

“No- No it’s okay-“ Reid shakes his head and looks up at you again, forcing himself to meet your eyes, to force away the shame that floods his body whenever you get near him. “Please stay-“

"I don’t want to make you uncomfortable Spencer I can-" You gesture towards the door awkwardly with your hand.

“You’re not- It’s fine- Just stay.”

Reid forces out the words, and this time you can tell from his expression that this is a genuine demand.

He looks away from you again, his hand clenching and unclenching around the pen as he glares at his writing on the board.

"You’re sure? i know you don’t like people watching you whilst you work and-"

“Just sit down.” Reid bites out the words before he can catch himself, his emotions briefly winning out over his rationale.

He immediately calms down though, and forces out an apology. “It- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell- Just- please sit down,”

"It’s okay, i’m sat-" You’re not entirely surprised by Spencer’s proclivity to snap at the start of a disagreement due to the protective nature he was still harbouring from his time in prison, but it truly cements the fact that he’s not the Spencer that you’d met all those years ago.

The Spencer you knew twelve years ago was timid and scared. The Spencer in front of you right now is angry and frustrated, his patience thin and his nerves frayed.

But you can still see the man you once knew in there- a flicker of a smile, a soft sigh, a gentle gesture. It’s just buried beneath all the trauma, the pain, the anger.

"Are you- okay?" You take a seat on top of the small conference table, resting your feet on one of the chairs.

He sighs, and you see his hands grip around the end of the pen tight enough that you can see the skin under his fingernails turn pale.

Without speaking, he gestures to the board, to the mostly unfinished profile that he should’ve been at least halfway through by now. Then he looks back at you and shakes his head with a look of defeat written across his face.

"In general Spencer,"

You shake your head softly at his gesture. You didn’t want to know if he was okay with the profile progress, you wanted to know if he was okay.

He doesn’t respond at first, not knowing how to.

He takes a deep breath and looks away from you, his eyes closing and his lip curling in thought.

He wants to say ‘I’m okay’, he really does, but he’s not.

He’s not okay and he doesn’t know how to get back there again.

“I’m trying to be.” he finally says, his words coming out strained.

You don’t reply to his statement to anything more than a small nod.

Logically you knew it. The whole team did. But hearing Spencer inadvertently tell you that he wasn’t alright from his own mouth made it feel much more real.

“Does- Does it bother you that i’m.. broken? That i’m not the same?” He’s trying his hardest to get back to normal, and to a lot of extent he is. But there are some behaviours that just won’t go away.

He’s more jumpy, and more skittish than he used to be; His reaction to being touched is more aggressive, and he snaps more easily than he ever used to. “Do you resent me for it?”

"Of course I don’t-" Your denial is immediate, a shake of your head joining your answer. "Everyone changes Spencer, it’s a natural reaction to the things that happens to us,"

“But- But i’m not who I used to be.” He knows he’s repeating himself, but he can’t help but dwell on that point just a little bit.

Spencer had lost such an immense part of himself, and he knows it. He stares at you for a moment, waiting for some form of reassurance he knows you can’t give.

"You’re still you Spencer, that’ll never change,"

“I’m not the sweet innocent boy I was back then.” He speaks again without thinking of filtering himself, his eyes falling down to the ground in frustration as he struggles to keep his emotions in check.

His voice wavers briefly as he adds on a low tone,

“You liked me better before.”

"That’s not true,” You shut down his statement immediately.

“It is,” Spencer is certain of it, and the way you’ve reacted to his trauma speaks volumes.

His eyes look at you defiantly, his voice low as he continues. “You miss the nice naïve Spencer, the one who got flustered and stuttered when you looked at him too long, the one who was shy enough to barely speak to anyone new.”

"Spencer-”

“He’s dead. That Spencer died in that farm shed ten years ago.” Spencer’s voice is hard as marble, and his words come out sharp enough to cut through glass.

Spencer was no longer sweet or shy or awkward or innocent.

He was an emotional wreck.

Any minute he could snap, and his words are laced with a pain that you know is too agonising for him to express any other way.

"I- know that, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care, that the whole team doesn’t care, because we do. We care about you Spencer. I care about you."

“But you do miss him.” Spencer’s voice is low again as he meets your eyes with the pain of a thousand regrets and hurt behind them.

He can tell you do miss that version of him. He can see it in the way that you look at him when you don’t realise he can see you, that look you get whenever you see him in anything but a work context.

You miss the old him. The younger and nicer and less damaged version of himself.

"I miss all of you." You purse your gaze as your eyes travel across his face, a soft sigh falling from your lips. "I just want to be able to talk to you properly again,"

“That’s not going to happen,” Spencer’s voice is just as blunt as before, and he can’t seem to soften it for anything. “You want the sweet, sensitive Spencer back, but he’s not coming back.”

"I don’t want any ‘specific’ side of you, I just want… something, anything-" You can feel your emotions threatening to ruin your words as you speak to him, the details of his face blurring as your eyes begin to glass over.

Spencer just stares at you, his words catching in his throat as he struggles to come up with something to say.

His eyes stay fixated on your face, on the tears that threaten to form, and your inability to keep them at bay.

His heart beats so quickly as he wants to say something, to reach out and comfort you.

He wants to hug you.

He wants to say he was wrong.

He wants to say he doesn’t mean any of it.

He wants to tell you that the two of you can go back to having meaningless conversations that could last for hours without getting boring or awkward.

But every time he tries it he backs out, unable to admit to the vulnerability.

"I’m sorry," You take a few steps away from him towards the door of the room, knowing that you won’t be able to have a composed conversation with him if you were to continue talking.

“Wait-” Reid’s voice is loud as he grabs your arm and stops you from leaving.

He realises almost as soon as his fingers brush your skin that he’s being more aggressive again, and he doesn’t want to repeat that behaviour even if that is who he’s conditioned himself to be.

Spencer meets your eyes for a split second before looking back at the table- the flicker of vulnerability disappeared from his eyes, replaced with shame. “Where are you going-“

You can feel his hand consciously loosen its grasp on your wrist, following the sudden soften of his tone, and you gently try to pry his hand from you completely to take another step back from him to regain the distance between you. "I don’t think you know what you want right now Spencer, you need some time to think by yourself…"

“Just- Please listen for a second-“ He doesn’t want you to leave, and the mere thought of you doing exactly that makes him feel as if his heart is being ripped to shreds.

“I was wrong, okay, I was angry and I snapped and I was wrong.” Spencer is trying his hardest to keep himself composed, to control the anger and regret that’s starting to bubble. “Please stay.”

"You were right in some aspects Spencer,” It was very clear by now that you were both emotionally overwhelmed, you so much to the point where you could barely see through the blur of tears that threatened to spill from your eyes. “The past you is gone, and with it goes what we used to have, and as- upsetting… as it is to accept that fact, that’s just how it is,"

Spencer’s grip tightens again as you speak, his teeth gritting together.

He’s trying not to scream, trying not to hold onto your wrist so hard that it bruises and snap at you again.

You are refusing to look back up at him, refusing to look him in the eyes.

His entire world is crashing down on top of him in the form of the one person he still has and it’s ruining any mental resolve he has left. “Please- Please look at me,”

Your eyes hesitantly tilt up towards his face, joined by a flow of tears that slide over the skin of your cheeks and pool under your chin as they breach your eyelids. "I can’t bare to watch you hurt anymore,"

“So you’re just giving up on me?” The moment you make eye-contact, Spencer feels something shift in his heart. The emotions inside him feel almost physical, and each one is more painful than the last.

He can feel his temper rising, and he finds himself clenching his free fist tightly and squeezing out a sharp breath before he starts to speak again. “I thought- I thought you cared about me.”

"I love you Spencer Reid. I love you so god damn much and I can’t keep pretending that seeing you like this doesn’t break my heart-"

You are way past any semblance of composure by now, tears pouring down your cheeks and your voice trembling with every word you speak.

The moment you say those words, Spencer starts to feel something he thought he killed.

An immense feeling of guilt, grief, and regret washes over him at the utterance of those three words.

You do love him, even with all of his flaws that he's currently trying to repress. But at the cost of his own sanity and well-being.

Spencer stares at you desperately, wanting to be close to you. His entire body aches at the thought of you leaving.

“I loved you ten years ago when you were recovering from your addiction. I loved you four years ago when you were infatuated with someone you’d never met and cried on my shoulder for weeks after she died. I loved you whilst you were imprisoned and I still love you now.”

You shake your head at Spencer as you pull your wrist from his grasp. “But I can’t do this anymore…”

Reid's hands grasp for your wrists, desperation and regret radiating off of his body at the loss of your contact mixing with the finality of your words.

“Please- please don’t leave. I can- I can change, I promise I can-“ He wants to cry in your arms like he’d done so many times in the past and have you tell him everything is going to be okay like you always do.

But he doesn’t.

He just stares at you, silently hoping that you’ll change your mind and that he wouldn’t have to face the world alone again.

"I don’t want you to change Spencer.." You wipe the tears from your eyes with the back of your hand. You didn’t want both of you to lose your composure. One of you had to stay strong. "I just want you to be alright.."

"I can be alright, just don't-" He wants to say more, so much more. It's like every word he's ever spoken is pouring out of his lips and hitting him straight in the face.

Spencer wants to beg.

He wants to cry.

He wants to tell you exactly how much he hates everything right now and that his entire body aches for you.

"don't- don't go...."

Your body silently pleads you to just take him in your arms and hug him until all of his problems disappear, but you know that if you do it’ll break you until you’re unrecognisable.

You just stand there with your back to him and your hand on the doorknob to leave, tears threatening to drop against your outstretched hand.

Spencer can practically feel your emotions. Each shake of your shoulders is like a piece of his heart being ripped out of his chest.

He wants nothing more than to grab you and never let go, to take back all of the nasty words he said and just wrap you up in his arms.

In the next heartbeat he's going after you, desperately grabbing onto your wrist as you reach for the doorknob yet again. "Please...."

You turn around as Spencer grasps at your wrist again, and you’re looking at his face for no longer than a second before your tears come back with a vengeance and start running down your face again, all semblance of composure completely lost.

Spencer's eyes follow a tear rolling down your cheek, and all he wants to do right now is give you the biggest, warmest embrace that he can manage.

He looks absolutely desolate knowing he's responsible for all of these tears, and the mere thought that you're leaving him alone makes him feel worse than anything he’d experienced in the three months he’d spent in those concrete walls.

Spencer's words are muffled and hoarse as he tries to speak again through his own tears. "I can be better... I can..."

Spencer can see the pain on your face, and as much as he's trying to keep it together his heart is too heavy to stay afloat from the sheer guilt he feels.

It's clear that he's not dealing well with the knowledge that he could lose you.

"I can be like before....I can be the Spencer you fell in love with....Please..."

The sight of Spencer being so willing, so desperate to change who he is and go back to who he used to be so that you don’t leave him is such a broken feeling, and it makes your heart shatter into tiny shards at the thought of it.

"i don’t want you to be like before Spencer… that’s not who you are anymore.."

Every word you say feels like a stab to his heart, but he knows it’s the truth.

He’s lost the boy you used to know, the happy, sweet, gentle boy who just wanted to be accepted and loved by those around him, to be useful and make a positive difference in the world.

He wants to fight back and beg you to stay, to refuse to believe that this is the end for you two.

But he can’t fight it.

He can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want him anymore.

"I still love you…"

Your voice is quiet, barely more than a whisper, and you’re not even sure you actually said it out loud as your gaze lowers back down to the floor.

Spencer’s eyes widen as your words ring through the room, and with an abrupt motion he moves towards you and wraps his arms around your body in a tight embrace.

He's trying not to cry again, but the emotional weight of your words is too much for him to handle and his tears are falling freely.

His head rests against your shoulder, his entire body trembling as he begins to tear up in earnest.

The minute your face meets his chest any physical resolve completely shatters and you essentially crumble into his arms, your legs giving out underneath you until the two of you are sat in a heap on the floor, relying on each other for support.

Spencer doesn’t mind at all. Your body’s pressed up against his at an angle that’s oddly comforting for both of you, as if you’re meant to be there.

And he’s not going to let you go.

Spencer buries his face in your neck as you sit huddled against each other, the two of you shaking while your tears spill over one another’s shoulders.

Your arms grasp desperately at the fabric of his shirt, hands curled into fists against his back as your face burrows against his collar to muffle the sobs and whimpers leaving your throat.

You’ve never felt more comfortable before in your life, despite your situation.

It’s as if Spencer’s body is moulding to every inch of you, fitting you into him as flawlessly as pieces of a puzzle.

Your legs feel warm where they’re pressed up against his body.

You can feel his heartbeat beating in his chest.

Your arms wrap tightly around his torso to pull him closer even though you’re close enough already.

"I don’t want to leave you..” Your words are quiet, desperate.

“Then don’t.” The words fall from his mouth before he even manages to think about them.

He doesn’t care how selfish he’s being or if it ends in this same conversation in a couple of months time, all he wants in this moment is to be close to you again. “Just- say that you won’t and i’ll get better, i’ll get better right now for you I promise.”

"Don’t do it for me Spencer…" You muster the energy to pull your head away from Spencer’s shoulder and do the same to his with your hand, deftly wiping the pad of your thumb over his cheek to rid of the tear stain lingering there. "You have to want to get better for yourself,"

Spencer nods his head. He does want to get better, he wants to make you proud of him again, he wants you to not worry about each and every thing that might plague him over the upcoming months.

The man you fell in love with is still there and he doesn’t want to go anywhere ever again.

“I don’t care what I have to do, I don’t care if I have to go to therapy every single goddamn day for the rest of my life as long as you stay.”

You bury your head back into his neck at the sentiment, clamping your eyes shut with a shaky inhale. "I’m not going anywhere.."

Spencer wraps his arms around you to prevent you from pulling away again, the relief visible on his face now that you’ve decided to stay.

He’s content with being here, with getting better for both of you.

Your bodies are moulded around each other and there’s nothing more he could ask for in an embrace.

And for what feels like forever, you just sit there, savouring the warmth of each other’s bodies as if you’re never going to feel it again if you let go.

You hope that this marks the end of the rift in your communication.

You hope this means the two of you actually have a chance.

And you desperately pray that Spencer will manage to heal with the help of having someone by his side.

[angel-fruitcake]

How is it canon when it’s unrequited u make no sense whatsoever is it delusion or memes

first of all- 'unrequited' means distinctly not returned. Dean's stunned lack of response in the moment was not a rejection of Cas' feelings, and should not be considered as such. therefore, Destiel cannot be considered unrequited.

second of all- Cas' love for Dean has been confirmed many times on multiple different occasions, by both Misha and Jensen themselves, as well as Robert Berens, to be romantic love. that is not up for interpretation. based on that fact alone, it is canon. whether or not Dean's feelings are ever explicitly and/or verbally expressed does not change the fact that Castiel is canonically in love with Dean Winchester. that makes it c a n o n.

third of all- the fact that Dean's feelings have not yet been verbally confirmed is of very little consequence when compared to the monumental amount of very compelling evidence suggesting that he does, in fact, return Cas' feelings, even if Dean himself hadn't yet realized it at the time of the confession.

if you have watched this show and actually picked up on the frankly staggering amount of very clear context clues, it is quite obvious that, aside from his brother, Castiel is the most important person in Dean's life, full stop.

i don't have the patience right now to list every single instance that suggests Dean's feelings for Cas are mutual; there are far too many. but i will remind you of the most significant ones:

when Cas died in the s12 finale, Dean mourned that loss unlike he had done with any other character death up to that point in the series, and the way in which Dean grieved Cas was very purposefully portrayed in such an undeniably different way than how Sam grieved Cas. even the loss of his mother seemed to almost pale in comparison to the immense weight of Cas' sudden absence in Dean's life. Dean mourned Cas like a spouse rather than like a brother or family member; it is known as the 'widower arc' for a reason.

Dean was nearly suicidal up until the very moment he learned that Cas had come back. when Cas inevitably returned, the sudden change in Dean's demeanor was so immediately apparent and extreme, it gave Sam whiplash.

in the final seasons, Dean no longer showed much if any interest in having any romantic or sexual partners, a stark contrast to earlier seasons. the last committed relationship he had was with Lisa, which was quite a few years prior. this is in direct contrast to Sam, who had several romantic love interests over the course of the show (Jess, Madison, Ruby, Amelia, Eileen). the role of closest person to Dean other than Sam was always filled by Cas, the only difference being the lack of romantic label.

Dean and Cas' relationship has been directly paralleled in multiple different instances with canonically romantic couples, the most significant ones being: Sam and Jess, Cain and his wife Collette, John and Mary (during the widower arc), and Sam and Eileen in the final season.

additionally, directly following Cas being taken by the empty, Sam's attempts to call Dean were completely ignored, despite Dean knowing that his brother needed confirmation that he was alive. the sole thing occupying Dean's mind at that moment was Castiel; nothing else in the world mattered.

do you get it?

[scoobydoodean]

I just perused your tags about Dean’s narrative heart, and Sam’s motivations, and I’ve been full of thinky thoughts. There’s nothing to really disagree with in your premise, but I am trying to piece that together with something external to the story.

I knew before I watched the first episode that Sam was The Chosen One, but I didn’t really start watching until s12, and had some catching up to do. So I’m trying to wrap my head around making your Chosen One act so… morally grey. It’s a risky move, but I feel like if Kripke’s story had enough to keep us all so fascinated more than a decade after his personal involvement, maybe there’s a deeper reason Sam seems so young.

Maybe that’s just it, though. Whatever we think we know about his childhood, and Dean’s parentification, Sam is only 22. He’s not sheltered, but he is still maturing.I’m showing my creaky bones here, but to me, Sam behaves consistently with his age group. BUT he’s deliberately not presented against a backdrop of college kids, and Dean leaning into the macho party boy in the first few years sort of deflects from that, like sleight of hand.

And so Sam sliding from the Chosen One straight into addictive behaviours does make a strange kind of sense, because there’s part of the wound the addiction is patching up.

I’m sorry for rambling into your inbox, but I’m pretty interested in your thoughts on this.

I think maybe it helps to know that one of Kripke's influences was Star Wars and to consider this through that lens. Dean was partly based on Han Solo, and Sam was partly based on Luke Skywalker. Luke matures over the course of the original Star Wars trilogy, but he had some growing to do between episode IV and episode VI (and the fact that he has matured is something the characters specifically make note of in the jump from "The Empire Strikes Back" to "Return of the Jedi".

I also think it's reasonable to think Kripke decided to take Sam in a sort of hybrid Luke/Anakin direction after he completed the pilot (Star Wars Episode III where Anakin turns to the dark side came out in May of 2005, and Supernatural began airing that Fall). Playing out the Chosen One trope with Sam, in a Star Wars context means that him going grey and then dark is exactly what you want, because that's exactly what happens with Star Wars' Chosen One, Anakin. When we consider that the only people actually calling Sam The Chosen One in Supernatural are demons... well. Sam, the "chosen one", is actually destined to be used by the dark side (demons). He just doesn't know that in season 4 (or doesn't believe it).

In Star Wars, anger and hatred are considered primary tools of The Dark Side. Anger and hatred are big motivating factors for Sam in season 3 (where he really starts to turn morally grey) and 4, and season 5 is in some sense supposed to be about Sam maturing and learning to let go of some of his anger because it's something Lucifer (The Dark Side) can use (5.10, 5.11, 5.20). I'm not a big fan of anger being treated as "the bad emotion", but it is a big deal in Star Wars, and it helps make sense of what it means for Sam to have a chosen one storyline over the first 5 seasons.

Within that whole framework, there's also definitely a lot about growing up and becoming more mature (like Luke Skywalker did) and the tension of whether the protagonist will be consumed—essentially—by the ghost of his father (just like Vader initially tried to lead Luke to the dark side).

There's an intersection somewhere in this ask with "being the main character" I think? But I don't actually consider Sam to be the sole lead of Supernatural. From a story perspective, that simply hasn't ever been true whether Kripke intended it or not (and I don't even think he did. I think Sam functions as the sole lead in the pilot episode just like Hughie functions as the sole lead in the pilot for The Boys as a relatable vehicle for the audience to be introduced to the world. After that, we get Butcher and Homelander and everyone else and realize it's an ensemble show). Beyond the pilot, there is simply nothing that materially or narratively distinguishes Sam as a sole lead beyond Jared's name being first on the call sheet. He doesn't get more screen time than Dean (Dean gets more in almost every season and there are several episodes Sam is barely in), Sam doesn't get more dialogue than Dean, the found family does not center around Sam (it centers around his brother). He isn't even centered as the most competent fighter in action sequences. I don't say that to suggest Sam isn't a lead, but that seasons 1-5 are about Sam and Dean, and both are leads, which means Sam can be morally grey and even unlikeable at times (and so can Dean) as long as the brothers contrast/oppose one another in those circumstances so the audience doesn't become totally alienated. If Sam was actually the sole lead in any material way, they wouldn't have had the space to explore Sam's "dark side" this deeply, I think. At least not without entirely reframing what kind of story Supernatural is/what it's about.

[annunen]

NHLWAM S12 E7: Niko Mikkola & Eetu Luostarinen

I translated the highlights of the video for any florida finns fans to enjoy.

TLDR: the finns love chirping each other and Lundy needs a babysitter.

Manninen and Putkonen are the NHLWAM hosts.

Under the cut <3

Manninen: We've got two Finnish Fort Lauderdale locals here. Niko Mikkola, new guy, and Eetu Luostarinen, who's already one of the vets. So what's up?

Mikkola: Nothing bad, getting to know new places and the sun shines. Great people here.

Luostarinen: It's always fun to get more finns here. Always welcome.

Manninen: Eetu, how would you describe Niko as a person and a teammate?

Luostarinen: He's a chill Oulu guy. Chill company, easy to hang out with him, he gets along with everyone. Really nice.

Manninen: Do you agree?

Luostarinen: Sure, i'll take what i'm given.

Manninen: Counterquestion for you.

Mikkola: We've known each other pretty long. He's one of those Savo guys, a little twisted like they all are. But there's only great guys here, like i said, so it's been easy to come here.

Manninen: You got pretty lucky, your training center moved from the middle of nowhere (lit. horse ass) to the neighbor. You could bike there, have you ever done that?

Mikkola: I don't have a bike but i've been planning to buy one. It's 5 minutes away so it would be pretty nice to bike there.

Manninen: Or an electric scooter! Has anyone ever come with one?

Mikkola: No, but Kaapo Kakko always used one in NYC. I'd walk and he'd drive past me.

Luostarinen: I haven't biked there either but some guys have electric bikes. And golf carts, pretty cool that you can come to the rink with a golf cart.

Manninen: Now that's style!

-----

Manninen: I asked "Lunkka" Lundell this same question, now i want to ask you Eetu too. Looking at your points, this season hasn't been as good as the last. The big crowds only look at points, they're thinking "what's up with Eetu, he hasn't scored points". So what do YOU think, has this season actually been worse than the last, or have you actually gone forward as a player?

Luostarinen: I wouldn't say it's been worse than last season, pretty equal. Just haven't had those successes. There's also a lot happening in the background, in the game. I play a lot shorthanded too, i've got to take credit for that. If i can't get confidence from points, i have to find it somewhere else in the small things.

Manninen: Are the points so important? I don't remember if you lead the league right now, but as a team you're playing really well.

Luostarinen: It's a team game, if your team is doing well, you're doing something right, and you have to be happy about that. But if i have less points than Mikkola, that's when i should be worried.

Mikkola: Why am I suddenly being attacked?

Putkonen: God damn, throwing you under the boat, right there under that Catamaran.

Manninen: What about you Niko, do you ever set - even though you're known as a defensive brush, let's not say broom (that's Hakanpää's "nickname") - do you set some personal goals for points when starting the season?

Mikkola: Defensive brush, i'll take that. Good name. I don't really set any goals for points. The beginning of the season was pretty wild for me, but now i've returned to a normal phase. Probably getting close to 30 straight pointless games now.

Luostarinen: Yeah, early in the season they were throwing the nickname "Niko Norris" around there.

Putkola: You were on a phase for 80 points.

Mikkola: It was crazy, but now we're back to the roots. You can't only get confidence from points. You need some guys who play shorthanded, keep the own net clear. Take some confidence from those.

-----

(Someone walks by with a dog.)

Putkonen: Cool dog. How's your dog doing?

Luostarinen: Yeah, we have a new one in the family - cavapoo, it's a cavalier poodle mix. And then we have Rose, she's a little over 4 years old now.

Putkonen: Who in your team would you not let dogsit your dogs?

Luostarinen: Lunkka. Even if we speak the same language, i wouldn't trust him with them.

Manninen: Is Lunkka your team's little rascal?

Luostarinen: He is, a little. You need to watch what he's doing sometimes.

Mikkola: But he's so young still.

Manninen: You're allowed to be careless when you're young. We've been careless too.

Putkonen: ...older too.

-----

Putkonen: Roberto Luongo was in the net at your practice. He still catches pretty well.

Mikkola: Yeah. I've said that he'd only need one training camp and he could play an NHL game again. I can't score on him either.

Luostarinen: Best possible EBUG.

-----

Putkonen: Let's take some fan questions. Does Sasha "whip" (reprimand) you?

Luostarinen: No, just constructive criticism.

Mikkola: He's flicked me a couple times with a video where I ice the puck or something. More as a joke. He doesn't really "whip" (reprimand) me.

Manninen: But he gives that to Lunkka!

Mikkola: Lunkka is "in his teeth" a little. In a good way.

Putkonen: Yeah, he was already the last time we visited. Gave him an earful from some celly, telling him "don't jump to the glass, only juniors celly like that".

-----

[asclexe]

haii….intro post…..about me……

click (this is a reminder more for me because i’ll see it easiest this way, feel free to click) / i do not answer donation asks and i cannot donate

haiiii :3 i go bye cameron which is very nicknameable so have fun with that. also call me whatever 🔥🔥

boy-adjacent (i lean more towards trans boy but also im agender) and i ONLY use he/him pronouns!!!!!! NO THEY/THEM OR SHE/HER. thanks!

aromantic spec lesbian faggot thing. i think girls r pretty in a faggoty way. 😍

minor!!!!!!!!! im ageless online 4 my safety so B cool im literally 5 years old :3

PROFESSIONAL white boy. i get paid 1 cent/an hour

american :/ + a mixed pot of european ethnically as most american white people are (EST)

im Literally a 🪼. btw. also a cat

currently matching layouts with the awesome @magicmarkerz give it up for the coolest boygirl ever. our backgrounds are like owen and maddy from isttvg. awesome.

interest wise, im pathetically multifandom

most active in/engaged with right now: doctor who (i hate this show i hate this show i hate. FUCK.), delicious in dungeon, warrior cats, i saw the tv glow

backstage interests/stuff i reblog less: house md, good omens (FUCK ng.), yellowjackets, the good place, takin’ over the asylum, ride the cyclone, broadchurch, six feet under, fnaf, rocky horror picture show, the middle, scott pilgrim, mouthwashing, dead poets society, etc. i do live theater, watch tv, go to the movies, take walks, talk about things, do silly doodles, hang out with my mom, and go to school and sometimes travel and that’s about it! :p

currently watchinf (i also blog about these i’m just not done with them)!! : doctor who (whittaker, s12), six feet under (s3)(if you have watched or even heard of this show Please marry me), torchwood (s1), blackpool, and hannibal (s1)

i run @ask-the-ducklings and @ppth-obgyn-dept-head-real for my house md oc and i’m 1/2 of @meanwhile-on-the-road :3

i have a private blog where i vent sometimes and if we’re mutuals/close enough you can ask for it if tou want ^_^

i use #asclexeposting for all original posts + more

trying to figure out my ao3 situation but im on pinterest and discord under assclexe if you wanna hmu (B cool) and roblox as asclexe and my airbuds and check out my letterboxd too

so yeah below the cut are just like. boundaries whatever lame. but feel free to follow me, ill likely follow back and we’ll be bestest friends forever ^_^

ughh sum things you should know be4 you follow or follow/unfollow or moot/unmoot me/boundaries

i’m generally morbid and sometimes a hater but i Swear im really nice and friendly..

i use a lot of profanity and i say the two (2) slurs i can reclaim.

i will not go to therapy or get help. i’ve been in therapy and it does not help me and i do not like it. i do not want help. i’m fine. please do not tell me “go to therapy u need it” because i do not need it

i say “im going to kill myself” a lot and these are all fruitless, meaningless statements. i am not committing suicide yet, and when i do, you’ll have long forgotten me. hopefully.

pls tell me via ask box! (or dm if i follow you) if i say something offensive or wrong or are overcrossing your boundaries, im sorry, im bound to make mistakes or misjudge a post. ^_^

i do not tag my reblogs with the media or characters, only little comments. i also do not spoiler tag my posts. i try to trigger tag things when i can but if you want something trigger tagged specifically pls just lmk!!

i do not have a dni, interact with me as you please and i’ll block you if i want LOL. i swear im friendly

:3

[ananke-xiii]

Okay, I think I can finally share this now.

In my version of "Moriah" Chuck orders Jack to kill Castiel with the promise of bringing things back to how they were before all the mess they're in now, Mary included. Jack starts panicking and crying and is clearly being played but he's in no state to rationalize things so he starts blurting out all kinds of stuff and eventually resolves to actually do it. Sam and Dean are forced to watch by Chuck and are totally incapacitated just like us, hypothetical viewers, are made to watch Jack's tragedy as it unfolds.

But Castiel is okay with that and actually plans to do the deed himself in order to avoid at least this one pain in Jack's life so he comes close to Jack and holds his face in one hand while the other is ready for the blade. He needs to tell him one last thing before the end. They're both crying but somehow Cas find the courage to recite a different type of blessing over the children, one that of course doesn't involve God and it goes something like this:

Jack, don't cry. It's okay, it's okay.

I need to tell you something, Jack and I need you to listen carefully, okay? Okay, good.

Being elected as your father has been the greatest joy and honor of my life. Hey, it's okay, shhh, it's okay, listen to me.

It was a joy so great that I got scared, Jack. I'm sorry Jack but I got so scared. I didn't know it then but it was this gnawing fear of losing it all, of losing you, that made me make... many mistakes. It was this fear that prevented me from understanding who you really are, from seeing the truth. So here it is.

Jack, you were, are and always will be such a luminous, beautiful and important presence in this world. Ah, as a matter of fact, in any world. Because you're... you. And you are... amazing.

No, no, no listen to me now, please, shhh, it's okay: You have to know that whatever happens in your life, I will be there for you. No matter what, I will be by your side. If things will go wrong, I'll be there to give you my energy. If things will go right, I'll also be there to give you even more energy.

You must never forget that you're loved, Jack. Oh, look at you: my son...my son... I love you. So much.

Cas, in an instant, is ready with his angel blade but it's in this moment that the Shadow erupts into the world to take Castiel away: no reasoning, no strategic plan, nothing. The moment of happiness is the moment of unconditional love.

Chuck's frantic because this "unconditional love" thing wasn't in his script and yells that it was not supposed to happen this way, that he gave them the possibility to access everything they ever wanted, the price was just one self-loathing, doomed-anyway angel but it still wasn't enough for them, was it?

It's also the moment where Sam, briefly freed from Chuck's powers, gets his lucidity back and decides to pull the trigger on Chuck (and himself). In the background, Jack's screaming and crying so much that the mere force of his screams is enough to resurrect the whole cemetery but Cas is not coming back to him.

Chuck is wounded by Sam (who's also hurting in return) and is forced to flee. Dean is also wounded beyond repair and is like turned to stone and almost can't breathe because he's living, again, one of the worst moments of his life as we go back to a distorted, more messed-up version of s12 finale and to the beginning of Jack's tragic story.

Jack is spiralling and he's out of control and out of himself as he starts opening woundsrifts after rifts through dimensions and worlds looking for Chuck, looking for the Empty, looking for whatever comes first at this point because he's moved by the dangerous, unpredictable and explosive bomb that is revenge spurred by love. Until Billie finds him.

[demon-sneeze]

🎉it’s my birthday!

So I wanna finally post some of the things I promised. Mystic Messenger fanart and Crowley fic!!

I wanna post my Crowley fic in three chapters possibly. Theres stuff with the s8 finale church, then s9 dungeon bonding, then a little time skip and self indulgent s12 smut for the last part.

So! Here is my blurb to hopefully get someone interested! This is basically the first chapter that I’ll publish on AO3 later after some polish and maybe another hundred words at the end to wrap up the scene better.

Please someone enjoy!!

———

- Crowley (SPN) X Reader

- 1k words

- Gender neutral reader

- hurt/comfort but basically just the comfort

- POV switch

Description: Reader cleans the blood off Crowley’s face in the church between Sam doing the trial.

———

Sam stepped out of the church for air. I waited a few beats before sighing and looking back to the bloody half-demon confined to the chair in the center of the room.

His eyes had also followed Sam out and remained on the closed doors.

He looked resigned, anxious, thoughtful, but overwhelmingly tired. I guess gaining your humanity, or most of it, after so long would feel like the ultimate emotional bombshell. Every bad thing you’ve ever done being recontexualized through a sense of guilt that was absent and nonexistent up until then. 300 years of bad experiences needing to suddenly be processed. All this while being in grave danger, the threat of death very near and assured.

Though maybe that part feels like a comfort. Does it feel like a comfort to someone who knows what happens to a human after death? Would he still die like a demon?

Not that I’d let that happen. I know they wanna close the gates or whatever but killing him afterwards is unnecessary. If I’ve learned anything from Frankenstein it’s that once you make a man, you gotta take responsibility for him. We aren’t in the people-killing business when we can help it. If Sam wants to ruin this guy’s life as he knows it, he can’t just discard him when he’s done.

A fresh start is a fresh start. I can’t blame a demon for being a demon and I can’t blame a human for what they did when they were soulless. Sam of all people should know that.

His eyes drifted to me with a blink. No smart ass remarks this time.

He looked crushed. Face still tear stained and covered in blood. The needle marks in his neck forming an angry patch of red dots.

I always had a soft spot for him a mile wide.

I broke eye contact to look at the things we brought. There were all of the necessities for what we were trying to accomplish of course, but there was also a first aid kit brought in from the car. I grabbed my own water bottle and some sterile wipes from the first aid.

He watched me. I could feel his eyes, though they weren’t as piercing as before. He was sort of spacey, which was completely different from his usual aura of caution and intensity. Resigned to whatever fate was in store and losing his will to resist it.

It was unnerving on some level due to his sudden change in character but moreso because, I’ll admit, I was genuinely concerned for him.

I took the clean cloth and my water bottle with me as I walked closer to him. Stepping over the markings on the ground carefully as not to disturb them. When I looked back up at his face he just looked confused.

I poured some water onto the cloth before setting the bottle on the ground and getting close enough to touch him.

“Don’t bite me.” Is all I say before starting to gently wipe the blood from a tiny cut near his temple.

“I won’t.” Was all he said back. No quips, no threats.

---

They started at his temple. Far more gentle than was necessary.

He had been looking at them the whole time, but at the feeling of the cloth he closed his eyes. The human blood in his veins had his nerve endings acting sensitive. He almost flinched at a particularly painful swipe.

They had apparently noticed anyway. Mumbling, “Sorry.”

He wanted to cry again. Not at the pain of course, but at the kindness he felt like he didn’t deserve and had not really experienced… ever? He was sure that in 300 years he had been shown kindness at some points but this… was different. He had hurt them. He had hurt their friends. But still they got close enough to his face to feel their breath while they gently wiped off the blood and dirt that had accumulated. To say sorry at the slightest cause of pain?

And why? For pity, or just some practical reason? Was it kindness?

The human blood made him more sensitive physically and emotionally in this moment than he had felt even as a human the first time around.

Their face, at this distance, looked worried of course. But because of the worry he noticed the shape of their eyes. He noticed their eyelashes and eye color and he wondered what they would look like in direct sunlight, what they would look like unbothered by flickering candlelight. Instead of here, looking exhausted in the dim greenish-blue light of the abandoned shack that passed for a church.

They made eye contact for a second but then looked back and held it when they realized he was looking at them.

They didn’t say anything. Just blinked. Inviting his questions.

“Why?”

“Why not? I need something to do, and I like you.” They said simply. They refreshed the water on the cloth and started at a different point, moving farther behind him. There was less to do back there and they both knew it but it was the easiest way to avoid making conversation or eye contact.

That seemed like a poor excuse for so many reasons.

He felt them working the cloth gently against the side of his head, moving to the back of his neck. He had to stop himself from vocalizing when their nails lightly scratched at his hairline.

Damn that felt good. It all felt so good. Even when they got to the most sensitive place, the needle marks, they were so gentle he didn’t feel worried, just leaned his head slightly to give them better access. It felt relaxing, to pretend to be cared for.

Sam was rough and didn’t care for his comfort in the least. When they touched him though, they were almost laughably attentive. He felt more like a child getting a cut cleaned by a mother (not that he would know) than a demon being… what, taken pity on by a hunter with a bleeding heart?

He felt a horrible ache in his chest for a moment when he realized it was over but then remembered himself.

He was almost looking forward to Sam putting him out of his misery by this point.

[feministsouthpark]

South Park Filler Guide - Season 26

Link for Seasons  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

S26E1 Cupid Ye is FILLER

I don't buy the relevancy. Kyle is now best friends with Tolkien and Stan is jealous, even though for the past season we had Stan and Tolkien bond and even in this season they will continue to be a duo. This really seems like a filler. S26E2 The Worldwide Privacy Tour is FILLER

I really like the part when the prince and his wife move into Liane's old house, as they make use of the house being empty for the duration of the Hot Dog home story arc, but as they move out by the next time the house will be used, the impact is nonexistent. S26E3 Japanese Toiler is FILLER

How I would have liked if the shooting turned out to be a season-long mystery of who shot Randy, I was looking at the characters of the crowd for way too long guessing, before I realized everything is pointless in this one. Well, not the real world message, but the in-universe events. S26E4 Deep Learning is CANON

The easiest type of episode to recognize as canon is a relationship centered one. We get our confirmation that Stan's attempts - from S20E7 The Very First Gentlemen Oh, Jeez - to change and win Wendy over worked out. Bebe/Clyde are together as well, as are Herbert/Rick. S26E5 DikinBaus Hot Dogs is CANON

While this is the end of the Hot Dog era, it ends in a way, that counts as loss for Eric, still feeding into the idea of how easily he can lose everything and end up being homeless. S26E6 Spring Break is CANON

For Herbert is falling back into his old ways of campaigning, and depending on what happens in real life, this could have a ton of unwanted consequences... S26E7 Joining the Panderverse is FILLER

It's mostly parallel universe stuff, while Randy fixes an oven. S26E8 (Not Suitable For Children) is CANON

Roger Donovan finds a new partner by the name of Janice, and it seems like she's here to stay. Snow Day is FILLER

Yeah, no... This is the latest season anyway, but I don't believe Mr. Hankey would ever return on the show, end of story. If he does, and thus this video game becomes canon, I will change this post to include that. S26E9 The End of Obesity is FILLER

I have a feeling, that the "never mention Eric's weight again" idea will be forgotten like the numerous times Eric promised not to rip on jewish people anymore.

SPOILER-FREE RUNDOWN

S26E1 Cupid Ye is FILLER S26E2 The Worldwide Privacy Tour is FILLER S26E3 Japanese Toiler is FILLER S26E4 Deep Learning is CANON S26E5 DikinBaus Hot Dogs is CANON S26E6 Spring Break is CANON S26E7 Joining the Panderverse is FILLER S26E8 (Not Suitable For Children) is CANON S26E9 The End of Obesity is FILLER

CANON counter:

S1: 9 out of 13   S2: 3 out of 18   S3: 6 out of 18   S4: 10 out of 17   S5: 8 out of 14   S6: 11 out of 17  S7: 6 out of 15  S8: 4 out of 14  S9: 8 out of 14  S10: 4 out of 14  S11: 4 out of 14  S12: 8 out of 14  S13: 3 out of 14  S14: 7 out of 14  S15: 6 out of 14  S16: 2 out of 14  S17: 4 out of 10 + a highly lore based game  S18: 8 out of 10  S19: 9 out of 10  S20: 10 out of 10 S21: 7 out of 10 + a highly lore based game + 2 DLCs S22: 9 out of 10 S23: 8 out of 10 S24: 4 out of 4 S25: 5 out of 8 S26: 4 out of 9

Overall: 167 out of 329 Personal Note: I'm almost certain we'll have another special that I'll add to this season and I'm almost certain it'll be election-based and therefor canon. When it happens, I'll be back to edit this post. This one is basically just me predicting the future, but to be fair, they are pretty safe bets.

[queermania]

Who would be the best person for Cas to fake date?

(about this post)

the obvious answer seems like sam but i actually don't think that would do much of anything. i mean it would be funny to ME because of how unbelievable they would be as a couple standing two feet apart while sam awkwardly puts an arm around cas, but it wouldn't cause any Problems(tm). nobody, not even dean, thinks there's anything actually happening there.

the thing is that cas is terrible at going undercover and playing a part. he gets better as the show goes on but by and large he's still very bad at it. he doesn't ever really get into it. i cannot imagine a scenario in which he puts his whole pussy into fake dating, even if dean was his fake partner. that's just not cas' style. so the best option is someone who would give it everything they've got and absolutely fawn over cas and call him pet names and run their fingers through his hair and bat their eyelashes and just really play it up in a way that is slightly confusing and uncomfortable for cas but that is rage-inducing for dean. so i think the only real option here is rowena.

rowena is great for all the aforementioned reasons but also because she would cause problems on purpose. and dean fully thinks cas is straight and personally i think that's a misunderstanding that should keep going up until the confession (in my mind this is an episode that happens sometime around s12-s14). so yeah. rowena is the best option.

and as an added bonus, it'll also really upset sam! both of the winchester brothers will just be seething over the whole situation but they absolutely will not admit it under any circumstances because then they'd have to admit why they're upset and they can't do that.

[segretecose]

Ok, Taskmaster UK tier list. Go

excluding: pre-Series 7 (because it has been ages since i've seen them and i honestly do not remember); Champion of Champions; New Years Treat

(*) indicates the series that i have watched multiple times and/or more recently.

S16*: possibly dictated by recency bias but i genuinely enjoyed this series more than any other i think. it usually takes me a couple of episodes to warm up to the cast but i was immediately sucked in this time. not a single normal person in sight and Sam Campbell is a special brand of insane that i resonate with on a worryingly deep and personal level.

S7*: watching James Acaster get genuinely angry over futile things is one of life's greatest pleasures if you ask me and my god does this series deliver on that front. this cast exists somewhere between found family and deranged Lord of the Flies remake in a way that i find irresistible.

S10: nearly ex aequo with S13 but the fact that this was filmed during the pandemic gives it an underlying hysterical quality that makes it take the cake. the outtakes (especially the "Little Trumper" part) are possibly the hardest i've ever laughed while watching this programme.

S13*: the way the cast interact in the studio really gives this series some extra oomph. i can't quite put my finger on it but the vibe is sort of like Fellowship of the Ring except they all die the second they set foot outside of Rivendell. besides, Greg Davies being genuinely scared of Bridget Christie will never not be hilarious to me.

S11*: very close to S10 and S13 but i have a primal dislike of Lee Mack that means i personally can't fully enjoy these episodes. there are still some excellently cursed moments (e.g., "absolute casserole") to be enjoyed. i had a weird crush on Mike Wozniak for months after watching this. it was humiliating but it bumps it up in the ranking.

S9: i've only watched it once back when it aired and maybe it would rank higher if i did watch it again. Ed Gamble's actual visceral rage at David Baddiel during that one studio task is legendary, i wish we got more of that. unfortunately i can't remember much else.

S14: as deducible from this list one of my favourite Taskmaster tropes is Contestant Who Desperately Wants to Do Well being teamed up and hindered by Inept Contestant(s) and the Dara O'Briain - Fern Brady - John Kearns partnership is a shining example of that. ranks low(er) only because i feel like the tasks themselves weren't terribly memorable.

S12: similarly to S9, i feel like i need to revisit this one to form fair judgment but i don't think i ever really clicked with the cast. i liked the contestants individually but perhaps their interaction was hampered by the social distancing measures. i remember it was enjoyable but that's about it.

S8: another example of one cast member souring the overall experience for me. i didn't love Lou Sanders in this and i just can't be objective about it. Joe Thomas had some good moments i think.

S15: even though it's the second most recent series i can't remember much from it. nothing against the contestants but unfortunately i think something did not work and the comparison to S16 makes it look even more lacklustre in hindsight.

[destieltaggedfic]

Could we possibly get some developing relationship?

ooooh. I like it. It's always fun to see the get together and that glorious early days of the happily ever after.

No One Gets Left Behind by CosmicStardustCastiel (Crossroads_Castiel)   Ao3

Set S12.  An encounter with the BMoL has left Cas’ vessel fatally damaged, but Dean isn’t prepared to let Cas die so he offers himself as a vessel while they figure out how to fix things.  Something that Mary, still distrustful of supernatural creatures doesn’t like.  Even Sam is not keen on them sharing space.  Meanwhile, the closer contact has Dean and Cas sorting things out between them.

Word Count: 92k                              Graphic Sexual Acts

Don't - tricia_16   Ao3

Set S14.  10 days of Cas being stuck as a cat and Dean caring for him has drawn them closer together, each being more comfortable with the increased touching Cas’ cat instincts had induced.  Once they talk it over it makes sense for some of the habits to continue and their relationship to get closer.

Word Count: 98k                              Graphic Sexual Acts

Be Not Afraid - Astra_Wards   Ao3

Set Pre S1 AU.  When Dean dies on a solo hunt, the angel Castiel feels compelled to bring him back and protect him further, knowing that the man is important but not why.  As they spend time together, Cas learns to feel, Dean accepts a hidden part of himself and they both start to learn what is looming on the horizon for the world.

Word Count: 136k                            Non-Graphic Sex

I'll Dig a Hole and Pull You Through – JoCarthage   Ao3

Set S6 AU.  Being there for Cas as he navigates heaven’s civil war is preferable to hanging out with Dean’s newly resurrected family and it leads to a relationship and if that means allowing other music to be played in Baby then so be it.  But its not going to stop Cas doing what needs to be done to keep the world safe from Raphael.

Word Count: 41k                                              Graphic Sexual Acts

So? - Ripley_LV426   Ao3

Set S8 AU.  Just after they found the bunker supernatural activity somewhat died down leaving more time to hang out, which gives Dean and Cas time to finally make moves on each other.  Now Sam is off trying to find peace in himself while Dean and Cas are in full honeymoon mode and Dean making sure that Cas knows he’s 100% ok with Cas being an angel instead of human.

Word Count: 36k                              Graphic Sexual Acts

[stellernorth]

[dashboard simulator of a world without the ghostfacers effect where the true supernatural show is perceived]

🫀waityourrturn Follow

spot the difference stick figure violence and samruby moments

(1 note)

🟪 sparklezzstiel Follow

if i was the mall cop who got kid sam in trouble for stealing nail polish i would have instead helped him steal more nail polish. also i wouldn’t be a cop

(184 notes)

🧪dogsogdog4 Follow

hey i’m finally watched lazarus rising and i cannot see anything when “castiel” enters its just fully white and the static noise is kind of painful tbh lol. is this a my computer problem or what

(7 notes)

🎉 rowenapublicindecancy Follow

(52 notes)

🫐 numberfff000 Follow

you all aren’t taking like medical advice from supernatural right??? the medical advice that has resulted in canonically [checks notes] one (1) instance of blindness due to ingesting rubbing alcohol, two (2) toe amputations and one (1) case of SEPSIS?!

🎪 kevinscriminalrecord Follow

no we aren’t doing that

🌠 mixtapesextape Follow

Sounds like someone hasn't heard about the kitchen accident diy stitches girl from LiveJournal. So weird that the fandom today doesn't know about her, back in the day it was everywhere.

🎪 kevinscriminalrecord Follow

huh???

🧔‍♀️ heritagepostsof-spn Follow

Heritage Post.

(1943 notes)

🥬 fishhooklove Follow

day 1 of asking john winchester to put his cigs out on me

🤟hannahgirl Follow

could you stop

🥬 fishhooklove Follow

oh here come the buzzkills. i bet you thought it was hot when bela did it to dean. but i’m not allowed to express my interests i guess.

(218 notes)

⛸️ mangojuicecas Follow

Um Guys i had this guy i’m seeing over and we were taking. about watching a movie. and. im the most embarrassed i’ve ever been i can barely type this. and i opened my computer and clicked to the netflix tab. and it was paused mid crypt scene blowjob kill meeeee 😭😭😭

🩶 charlierowena2024 Follow

why would you ever stop halfway through. that's like looking at half of starry night then closing your eyes and leaving the museum

(78 notes)

🧑🏻‍🦳s6monster Follow

Uquiz - Which Supernatural scars are you?

I GOT RUBY’S ARM SCARS WAAAH

(3 notes)

👩‍🦰 cleopatralumineersrowena Follow

depeche mode master and servant spn bdsm and fight scene compilation amv we're really in it now

#using lyrics as censor bars is the innovation of the century

(59 notes)

🌂 kansaslawrence Follow

for everyone who said dean slamming his hand in the impala door when he was drunk wouldn't do that to his fingernails i did a similar thing (accidentally, before the show aired) #deancoded loll and it looked basically the same. here are pics of my and his hands afterwards side by side for reference

(482 notes)

🍄 0nth3h34d0f4p1n Follow

Another reason samruby is queercoded is how her spitting blood into his mouth parallels the champagne scene in my beautiful laundrette

(38 notes)

🎃 sammmyspooks Follow

2.16 "this disease pumping through my veins and i can't rip it out or scrub it clean--i've tried; i'm a whole new level of freak" and 8.21 "you used to read to me when i was little i mean really little" etc we all remember sir galahad speech. sooooo how young do you think sam was when he first tried

(739 notes)

🪼 ccoldfridge Follow

just remembered how dean tried his best to ask cas to take a female vessel so they could fuck heterosexually in ftbyam and i nearly passed out in the post office . castielllllll he was saying he wanted to fuck youuu

(63 notes)

🤵 a1waysenduphere Follow

comparing the endverse sam arc to the classic structure of a shakespearean tragedy

part 1: aloneness and exposition

keep reading

(382 notes)

👩 isolationnatural Follow

the way people #coquette #lanadelrey #femaleangst -ify claire's s12 shoplifting eating disorder getting into fights self medicating situation is so so weird and fucked up. we saw stanford era dean do literally exactly all the same shit but with him it's ohhh classic beautiful americana what a tragic figure i understand his emotions have depth and complexity THEY DID ALL THE SAME STUFF maybe think about why you see the situations differently

(294 notes)

🔵 butchruby4femanna Follow

why did i have to see dean naked that many times. just wondering again

(2 notes)

⚡ cassandrasam Follow

ok spn 5x20. so sam's kissing the demon possessing brady out of nostalgia and grief for his dead boyfriend, the demon's kissing back because he knows it will make sam more likely to listen to him, imagine if dean had walked in in that moment

❗greendean Follow

or crowley

(158 notes)

🍇 notgoodnatural Follow

hey everyone. wjsh i could have seen dean naked more times.

(10 notes)

[eyesontheskyline]

i’m a bit curious to know what you think about emily leaving for london if hotchniss actually happened in cm. Like idk if this makes sense but i feel like in the last scene of episode 7 we see emily looking at her friends dancing, kind of like being outside looking in, we see everyone dancing/ sureounded by their partners and she is alone. I feel like it was a believable thing that she chose to move. But i cant help but think that if Hotchniss happened and if someone noticed her struggling and actually done something about it, she wouldn’t have to go away to heal. I feel like if she had aaron/ a relationship/ a purpose maybe?!? (not to say that a relationship gives you purpose in life, but i mean it more of like a future), i feel like emily would have stayed. I think that not having a future in her actual life made her look elsewhere, because she could only see the hurt in the place that she once called home. Idk what im trying to say with this, im just delulu and i believe that hotchniss should’ve happened so i guess im just curious to see your take on it

Yeah so this is what I'm building towards with the S7 fic I'm writing (I'm sorry if you're the same anon I keep linking this same fic to lol, it's hard to tell with anons!)

I think she felt like she didn't have a place. Like she didn't feel like she could fit back into her old life, but she also hadn't built anything new. I think a relationship between them could've been a Something New that made staying worth it, despite the pain and discomfort of rebuilding.

I think Emily defaults to running away and starting over when things get messy or difficult. It started with her parents moving her around as a kid, then she did the kind of work where you get pulled out and erase that whole identity... Then quitting when Strauss asked her to spy was what won her Hotch’s trust, then being sent to Paris saved her life, then walking away from Paris to come back to DC... Running and starting over is what she does. She does it again to come back to the BAU in S12, and nearly does it again to protect the team from Barnes in S13. I understand that in the context of writing Paget out, the writers did their best to sell it as necessary for her growth this time, but it wasn't.

Each time we see someone ask her outright to stay, she stays. She wants to know someone is fighting for her the same way she fights for everyone else.

So yeah. I don't think it was ever going to happen in canon because of the limitations of the writers and the format and whatever. But I think you can make a compelling argument (and I plan to loool) in fic that London was not inevitable - she can see that job offer on the table and make the choice to stay in DC, and that can be a healthy choice for her.

[macdenlover]

you ever think about how dennis rejected mac so blatantly at the end of s12 and mac was still unapologetically all over him after he came back. and how maybe instead of that just coming from a place of mac being desperate and delusional it came from knowing that somewhere deep down dennis did love him enough to come back. and how dennis wasn’t ready then but maybe he’ll be ready now? or maybe the next time? or maybe the time after that? mac kept trying and trying not out of a fantasy he projected onto dennis but because he knew that for the last 20 years him and his best friend always had this uncomfortable unspoken charge between them but they also always managed to end up on the same page. they were always on the same team. so if he just tried hard enough, if he put out a big enough safety net and showed dennis it was okay to jump, he would eventually follow. but the problem was that mac didn’t know how to show love in healthy ways that didn’t end in smothering or poisoning or embarrassing them both. because why would he? the love language between them had always been little touches and competition and codependency and mac took that and revved it up to 100. but all of it came from the intention of trying to get something to come out of dennis that he knew was already there. idk where i’m going with this post every time i think about s12-14 macden i start getting dizzy