#widow!sakura fic

[wickermayne]

I finished reuploading a bunch of deleted fics I had. They're all incomplete and basically abandoned, but if you have some interest in reading some non-smut Naruto fanfiction from me here they are!

It's mostly Naruto/X character concepts thought they lean more on friendship than romance because of how early on they are.

The fics:

Lilac (Naruto/Hanabi) - Devastated by the death of his wife, Naruto must take care of his two children as a widower. His sister in law, Hanabi Hyuuga, decides she will help support him, whether he likes it or not.

She Likes His Face Red (Naruto/Fem!Sasuke) - After a long day searching for clues about Kaguya in her dimension, Sasuke uses her Rinnegan to return. However, an accident causes her to end up back in Konoha, awakening to a handsome man who looks like her best friend's stupid Sexy Transformation Jutsu. Post-Shippuden.

Two's Company (Naruto/Fem!Sasuke) - Naruto appeared with a soft landing and began walking toward the duo. Sasuki spared him a glance and a smirk before returning her gaze to Sakura.

“You didn’t think I came back to Konoha for you, did you?”

Sakura felt a fire boil in her belly, stretching through her limbs and engulfing her neck and face, but the raven-haired girl already set off to meet Naruto halfway.

Three's a Crowd (Naruto & Sasuke & Sakura) - They did it! Naruto and Sakura convince Sasuke to come back when they meet him at Orochimaru's hideout. The gang is back together and Sakura couldn't be happier…that's how it's supposed to be. It's just, she finds that it's hard for her to hang out with the two of them without, well, feeling like a third wheel.

Cloak (Naruto/Yugito) - Naruto's return to Konoha is delayed as Jiraiya seeks information about the Akatsuki from a contact in the Land of Lighting. During their stay, Naruto involves himself in a skirmish between one of Kumo's jinchuriki and the Akatsuki. Yugito's impressive use of her bijuu leads Jiraiya to ask the Raikage for an incredible favour. Naruto's homecoming might need to wait a little longer.

Sunflower (Naruto/Ino) - Ino knows all about Naruto. The loudmouth, the prankster, the obnoxious kid in that tacky orange jacket. Being on the same team as him is another knock on her life. But, when he talks to her, when he trains with her, when his hands grip hers and it warms her throughout, and when he smiles like it's just meant for her, she thinks, maybe, she wants to know more.

Promotions (Naruto/Fem!Shikamaru) - Shika's feelings for Naruto grow from annoyance to camaraderie to, well, maybe something more. She tries not to think too hard about it.

Chirping (Naruto/Fem!Sasuke) - Like oil and water, they did not get along. She is everything he wants to be and she cannot believe someone like him is nipping at her heels. But, deep down, both know that they are more alike each other than they ever want to admit.

[littlechinesedoll]

My Happy Marriage - Chapter 1 | SasuNaru

Relationship: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, Inuzuka Kiba/Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Inuzuka Kiba, Haruno Kizashi/Haruno Mebuki

Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Mpreg, Magical Realism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Historical, Meiji Restoration Era, Taisho Era, Child Abuse, Out of Character, Nobility, Indentured Servitude, Arranged Marriage, Cinderella (Fairy Tale) Elements, Alternate Universe - Different Powers, Curses, Gender Roles, Class Differences, Heavy Angst, Angst and Feels, Discrimination, Abduction, Alpha Uchiha Sasuke, Omega Uzumaki Naruto, Omega Haruno Sakura, Alpha Inuzuka Kiba, Not for Sakura fans, Haruno Sakura Bashing, Haruno Bashing, Age Difference

---

Summary:

Based on My Happy Marriage written by Akumi Agitogi and illustrated by Tsukiho Tsukioka.

Uzumaki Naruto, an omega bastard of the Haruno family who is born without a supernatural gift and believed to be cursed by the Nine Tailed Fox, is forced into an existence of servitude by his father and his abusive wife and daughter, his half-sister, Sakura. When Naruto finally comes of marriageable age, though, his hopes of being whisked away to a better life crumble after he discovers his fiancé’s identity: Uchiha Sasuke, an alpha, a commander of the imperial army apparently so cold and cruel that his previous would-be omega brides all fled within three days of their engagements. With no home to return to, Naruto resigns himself to his fate—and soon finds that his pale and beautiful husband-to-be is anything but the monster he expected. [ x ]

---

Notes:    

Hi everyone! This is my actual first SasuNaru fic (written before but finished after The Fox Bride), so I hope you’ll be gentle. This will follow the manga very, very closely, unless I feel like switching up the scenes, or for the points or character placements that need more explanation. Hope you enjoy!

Please click here to see some additional inspiration/visuals for Sasuke's hair from the doodle by @veemeenniee on twitter.

The ages will be the same as the manga.

Sasuke: 27 Naruto: 19

before you come at me yes historically during this time at the end of the Meiji era to the start of the Taisho era, 18-19 is of marriageable age. in the manga they are not married immediately.

---

Uzumaki Naruto is a bastard omega son of the Haruno family, a distinguished family.

His mother, a widowed male omega servant, fell pregnant by the head of the household before their master got married just weeks later. He was a child conceived by a momentary diversion. He knew the head of the family is his father, but they had no father-son relationship, and he was largely ignored. But he remembered the love of his mother, who gave him all his heart.

“Naruto,” he said, adjusting Naruto on his lap as they situated themselves in front of a small, once overgrown shrine depicting a nine-tailed fox, outside in the wooded area behind the Haruno estate. He had cleared this out one day on a walk, when Naruto was five moons old in his womb. He lit some incense to offer to the god they’re praying to. “Never forget to pray,” he put the incense in three-year-old Naruto’s small hands and guided him to put the burning sticks into the incense holder in front of the stone shrine.

“To the fox?” Naruto pointed to the effigy carved in the stone.

“To the fox,” his mother nodded, “He gave you these beautiful whiskers,” he traced the light marks on Naruto’s chubby pink cheeks, “and the seal on your belly, to keep you safe,”

“On my belly?”  Naruto repeated, peaking into his haneri, otaiko, and obijime, and seeing the inky black marks on his skin.

He asked the fox to stop his bleeding. To save the child. “You give him thanks, for you were born healthy,” mother fixed the obi back on, tapped at Naruto’s nose, and the child giggled. “For the shelter over our heads, the food in our bowls, our health, and the safety provided to us,”

The boy snuggled into his mother’s comforting scent of rain, cool breeze, and orange blossom, reached up for his mother’s face, which was framed with the same bright blond hair and blue eyes like his own. “Pray! Mama wa kirei desu!” Mama is pretty!

“Thank you, my love,”

The fox didn’t grant his mother health, no matter how hard he prayed. His mother died two years later from a severe fever, and he was left to the servants to care for. Naruto became a servant at the Haruno household at the age of five.

His father’s mate despised him. For being a bastard. For the ugly whiskers on his face and the cursed seal on his belly. He’s a demon, his father’s mate said, carrying the fox demon’s seal on his body. A cursed child to bring destruction to this family. That he was born so his mother should die, his life for his mother’s.

Sakura, his half-sister, an omega born just after Naruto turned one, has all the attention of their father and his mate. He had always thought Sakura, with her green eyes, long, silky, and shiny pink hair, is far more beautiful than him. She has the gift of strength and fast healing.

She looks down on him like her mother.

Sakura throws the hot tea in Naruto’s face. “What the hell is this?!” she barks at him in outrage.

The hot tea stings Naruto’s eyes, scalds the skin on his face and neck, and stains his kimono.

“This is the worst tea I’ve ever had! It’s too bitter! Make it again!”

Naruto bows, forehead almost touching the tatami under him. “Moushiwake arimasen.” There is no excuse for my actions, and I apologize.

Sakura huffs. “Is there anything you can do right? You can’t even brew decent tea. What a disgrace!”

“Out,” barks Sakura’s mother. “Your scent is stuffing the room. Get some herbs on,”

He already has the pockets of his kimono stuffed with fragrant herbs. No amount of herbs can fully hide him, even if he wants them to. How nice it would be, to just disappear.

Naruto gathers the teacups back onto the tray without a word, wondering when this torment will end. His father sits there with his breakfast and tea, ignoring his mate and child’s mistreatment of his bastard. He’s stopped praying to the fox long ago, when the bruises on his body never started to fade. When he realized the fox had done nothing for his ailing mother.

As Naruto brings the tray back to the kitchens, he thinks that if he were an acknowledged child of a respectable family, he at 19 would be at the age where he’ll be expected to marry. But he won’t, seeing as he is a bastard and a servant who does not receive wages. He can never leave.

Another servant picks up the brewing for him, and a grateful Naruto leaves the kitchen to sweep the falling leaves from the gardens. That way, he can avoid Sakura and her mother, who will give him complicated, never ending, or impossible tasks. He prefers to do the laundry or other chores outside the house, which other servants gladly allot to him, perhaps out of consideration.

“Hello,”

Naruto looks up to see a good friend. The sight of him relieves the heaviness in Naruto’s chest. “Kiba-san,” he bows. “Hello,”

Inuzuka Kiba, an alpha, is the second child of the Inuzuka family. A childhood friend of Naruto and Sakura’s. His sister, Hana, also an alpha, is first in line for the head of the Inuzuka family. When they were children, the servants let Naruto off to play with him when Kiba was visiting with his father. He holds those memories close to his heart.

Naruto notices Kiba is in a suit. He wonders what formal event he’s about to attend.

“I have something for you,” Kiba hands Naruto a fancy wrapped box. “I hope you like them. It’s not the western sweets that are popular nowadays. I heard those go bad quickly,”

Kiba is the only person Naruto can be himself with, someone Naruto has given a piece of his heart to. He also treats Naruto like a part of a family, not just the bastard servant. When his heats started, he was no longer allowed to play nor be alone with the young alpha. Receiving his courses were the worst thing. It separated Naruto from the only person who cared for him. Kiba had once tried to get his mother, their family head, to interfere with the abuse. That did not end well. Kiba had gotten a stern talking to. Sakura’s mother found out, and the abuse worsened.

A pleasant lightness fills Naruto’s very being as he receives the box. “Thank you very much. I’ll share it with the other servants. I’m sure they’ll enjoy something so luxurious,”

The young Inuzuka wanted only Naruto to have the sweets. “Ah, no. That’s not what I meant…”

“Why are you visiting today, Kiba-san?”

“I have some important business to discuss with your father,” Kiba admits solemnly. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

As Kiba walks away from him, headed for the main house, Naruto gasps. “Maybe a marriage proposal?” he sighs dejectedly. His father won’t offer him to the Inuzuka’s. There would be no point, as he isn’t an acknowledged child. He’s no different than an orphan beggar on the streets.

Later, when the box of sweets has been set aside and his sweeping is almost done, a fellow servant calls for him. “Naruto-kun! The master asks for you,”

Naruto stares.

---

In the receiving room, Naruto enters quietly, and another servant slides the door closed with a soft thud. Naruto bows before his father, his father’s mate, Sakura, and Kiba-san.

“Today’s discussion,” starts Haruno-dono, “will center on marriage and the future of this family. Naruto,” he pauses, and Naruto dares to look at him. “This is something that you should hear,”

The silence in the room is piercing, and only Haruno-dono is allowed to speak when he is at the center of the room.

“After much thought and consideration, it is a welcome decision that Kiba-kun will marry into the Haruno family and take over as the head. The one to support him as mistress and this family as his wife, will be you, Sakura,”

There isn’t any surprise there, Naruto thinks. He then wonders why he was called here in the first place. He had hoped maybe one day, had Kiba-san, his only friend and confidante, not been chosen to lead the Haruno family, he would ask for Naruto’s hand in marriage from Haruno, and take Naruto away with him. Maybe one day, he’ll be free of such hardship.

Naruto is foolish to even think he would be able to leave the life of a servant behind.

“Naruto,” says Haruno, “You’ll marry into the Uchiha family.” Kiba snaps his head up to look at the family head. “To the head of the family, Uchicha Sasuke-dono,”

Naruto keeps his eyes to the tatami. “Yes,”

Why? What is the point of giving him away to the Uchihas? He’s a bastard; it’s pointless to marry him off when this won’t result in a union of two families.  

“Isn’t that wonderful, Onii-sama!” Sakura pipes up, finally happy to be rid of her untalented half-brother. “The Uchiha family is a high-ranking family! They hold much power and influence,”

But the head of the Uchiha family, an alpha, is known for being a cold and cruel soldier. Naruto hears the other servants gossiping about his engagements, how many omegas from good, respectable families have been presented to him, but have never lasted three days with him. All either chased off or ran away.

Naruto has been ordered to marry such a terrifying man, and once he leaves the estate, there is no going back, and he’s no longer allowed to step into the residence again. He wonders why he’s been chosen to marry Uchiha Sasuke-dono, when it’s impossible for an uneducated omega like him to fit as the mate of a well-known, respected, and prominent family.

“This marriage will be a waste on someone like you with no redeeming qualities nor talents,” Mebuki-oku-sama, Sakura’s mother, sneers at him. “But it would be impolite to turn it down and you’re in no place to refuse,”

“You are not allowed to refuse, Naruto,” says Haruno stiffly. “Pack up your things at once. You will leave and proceed to the Uchiha estate immediately,”

Naruto is dismissed. He bows and doesn’t see Kiba aching to run after him.  

Finally, Naruto is free from the Haruno family, yet he doesn’t feel safe nor relief from his father’s decision to give him away. If anything, he’s dreading his departure even more. He’s terrified of the Uchiha family head’s notoriety. He might just be kicked out of his fiancé’s home or put down by his cruelty.

“Naruto,”

The omega turns around and sees Kiba with him in the hallway. “Kiba-san?”

Kiba bows. “I’m sorry. I was unable to do anything. I had hoped for a different outcome for us,”

“Kiba-san,” says Naruto, “You have nothing to apologize for,” he smiles at him, the best he can give him despite the heaviness in his chest threatening to pull him down to the floor. “I’m simply unlucky,”

“It’s not about luck!” Kiba hisses.

“I don’t mind. After all, I may find comfort, happiness, maybe love, with the family I’ll marry into,”

Kiba wants Naruto to ask him why he couldn’t protect him. He wants Naruto to blame him for this. He’s a coward; the only thing he ever wanted, was to marry Naruto and take him away from here, and yet, in the face of his soon to be father-in-law, engaged to the wrong child, he couldn’t speak up. “Don’t you… resent me?”

“I would never, Kiba-san. I’ve long let it go. I’ve…forgotten such feelings,”

If words could stop Kiba’s heart. It’s painful, the way those words pierce his chest like cold steel. “I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry, Naruto. I wanted to save you. It’s always been you. I lo—”

“Kiba-san?”

Kiba turns around and Sakura, his new fiancée, has followed him.

“What are you two talking about?” she smiles at them.

Kiba stares at her. “Nothing,”

Naruto knows, that despite the laughs and beautiful memories he’s made with Kiba as his childhood friend, despite coming from a respected family, despite his high education and talents, even though he’s blessed with good looks, he’s tied to the decisions made for him by the heads of the families who choose to unite. Kiba-san is kind and understanding, which is why he remains silent, and Naruto feels that his silence will hurt Sakura in the future, just like how it’s hurting Naruto now.

Whatever Kiba was about to say, Naruto doesn’t know and he’s not sure if he wants to find out either. Naruto will forever cherish his memories with him, and the friendship he offered. “Kiba-san,” Naruto bows, “Thank you for all you’ve done for me,”

He doesn’t get a reply. Kiba only watches him walk away.

---

Naruto finds himself unable to fall asleep that night. He’s finished packing the few belongings he owns. His clothes, which are all servants’ attire, all hand-me-downs from fellow servants. He had other pretty kimonos, accessories left to him by his mother, but he doesn’t know what happened to them. Maybe Mebuki-san took them and threw them away. They were the only things he had left of his mother. Mebuki-san said bastards didn’t deserve such pretty things.

Haruno-dono gave him a fine kimono for his departure tomorrow, since showing up in a beggarly would tarnish their name. His father knew he had nothing yet did nothing. He also told him to introduce himself as a Haruno. How awful, to be ordered to drop his mother’s name. To pretend to be an acknowledged child. If Uchiha-dono finds out about Naruto’s secrets, he will surely be thrown onto the streets.

So that’s what it is. They want to use him as a pawn. To make connections, marry into a powerful family. Haruno-dono isn’t his father. He never was. He was his master.

Sometimes, Naruto wishes he wouldn’t wake up.

---

When he arrives to the Uchiha residence, he’s surprised to find a humble abode.

Naruto enters the receiving room, kneels, and closes the door with a quiet thud. One wall is decorated with a large red fan with a white base and handle.

His fiancé has his back turned to him. His black haori bore the embroidered with the same red and white fan on the wall. It must be the family crest. Naruto is to be married into this family, should his fiancé not be rid of him in three days’ time.

How very warm, the scent of his new fiancé, like a home. Grass, wood, and warm coal. Surely, he isn’t what they say if Naruto feels drawn to his warmth? Perhaps he can find a home with him.

Nevertheless, he bows his head in greeting. “Pleased to meet you. My name is Haruno Naruto,”

Saying his name with his father’s surname felt like acid in his mouth. It felt like a betrayal to his mother and his mother’s late mate.

The master of the house, his alpha, doesn’t answer or turn to him, so he keeps his head down. Naruto’s used to being ignored. He has never been outside of the Haruno estate since he was five. It’s best if he keeps his manners and bring no shame to the family or embarrass himself when meeting someone for the first time. Time and time again, it’s been ingrained into him that an omega servant like him must know his place.

The master keeps on reading his papers, flips a page after the other.

The bamboo fountain outside is a testament to how long Naruto has his head down, waiting for the response and relieve him from his bow.

The master sighs, turns around and sees the omega still in a bow. “How long do you intend to stay like that?”

Naruto keeps his head down. “Moushiwake arimasen.” My deepest apologies.

“I’m not asking for an apology. Raise your head,”

Naruto obeys, but he doesn’t expect to see that his husband to be, might be the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes own. Fair, porcelain skin, long, dark hair, and piercing obsidian eyes framed by gentle bangs. His delicate features aren’t what is expected from a man of his status and a clan of power.

His breath is caught in his chest. Naruto knows that the Uchiha family is an esteemed and wealthy clan, but is his fiancé of blue blood?

However, he mustn’t let himself be swept away by his fiancé’s appearance. He knows about the many brides this alpha has chased away. Naruto no longer has a home to go back to. Being sent away to the Uchiha family head to be given away in marriage is the same thing as throwing him out to the streets.

No matter how difficult this marriage may turn out to be, he’ll have to endure it.

---

end notes

Onii-sama (お兄さま・おにいさま) – older brother

Dono （どの）– sort of like mister. Above -san and below -sama.

Oku-sama （奥様。奥さま・おくさま）– mistress / wife

lmk what you think! chapter 2 soon!

[shiningstarr15]

🥤🔪🏜️ (for the writers ask game!)

Oooh trying to tap into my brain I see /lh

🥤recommend an author or fanfic you really love

Oh boy. I got a lot of fics that I thoroughly enjoy. Admittedly I have unique and niche tastes (I don’t hide the fact I’m a sucker for the sibling stuff lol) but I’m also open minded to other stuff if it’s well written. Here’s some personal faves!

-How to Care for your Sick Humans

-Responsibilities to be Grateful For

-Kintsukuroi

-Vanessa’s Antivirus

-Late Night, on a Couch

-He’s my Brother, but he’s a Brat

-Things That Were (and Things That Will Be)

-Birthday Burrow

-Knightmares

——————-

🔪 what’s the most unusual thing you’ve researched for a fic

Now I know you’re trying to tap into my secrets lol /j

Ok, I’ll confess something to you. Writer to writer. I research pretty much everything. By that, I mean EVERYTHING. From synonyms of words to certain color shades. I want to make it as detailed as possible lol. As far as the most unusual thing? Well, everything that involves the characters info dumping, I have researched stuff from “most popular flowers grown in the state of Utah” to “facts about sakuras” 😂😂

I’ve also in other fandoms looked up things like “weather in Norway” (black widow fics lol) and “space events in the year 1979” (Luca fics lol)

So yea. I research everything. I’m VERY thorough (and super neurodivergent lmao)

———————

🏜️ what kind of comments do you like receiving most?

ANY. Lol literally just getting comments makes me giddy and gives me motivation. If I had to be honest though, I like when people tell me which parts made them feel the most. What part made them cry? What part made them laugh? What part made them smile? What part made them rage? I like invoking emotions in people, and it lets me know that I’ve done my job well as a content creator :3

[sentimental-idiot25]

Cause I'm bored... here's some things about me! Age: 20 MBTI: ESFJ (same as Sakura which makes a lot of sense) Zodiac: Gemini (my birthday was just the other day! 06/05) Extrovert Favorite Artist: Halsey Other favorite artists: Mitski, Hozier, Queen, Taylor Swift, Phoebe Bridgers, Boygenuis, Lana Del Rey First Anime: Dragon Ball Z (as a kid) Currently Watching: Naruto First Ship: WinterWidow (Black Widow x Winter Solider: Marvel) Last Ship: SatoShoko (Shoko x Gojo: JJK) Current Ship: SasuSaku (Sakura x Sasuke: Naruto) (I am these ships' ride or die, I would die for all of them) Hobbies: Writing, reading, thinking of writing or the fics I've read, former artist, working out, strawberry picking, makeup, and im sure I have other ones I just can't think of them Other Fandoms I am in not on this post: Bungo Stray Dogs Violet Evergarden DC, More Batman/gotham Marvel Any thing else you wanna know about me, just ask in the replies hehe, im super open

[southsidestory]

A teaser from widow!Sakura fic, which I’m tentatively titling In Want of a Wife.

-

She sees Sasuke arrive from her window. He's too far away to make out much more than that he's lithe and pale. The bright winter sun catches on his hair, bringing out a blue luster among the black. 

Be kind, Sakura thinks, as she walks down the stairs. Please just be kind.

Her silent prayer withers as soon as Itachi lets Sasuke through the front door. He stands an inch or so taller than his older brother, and he's just as handsome. But where Itachi's eyes show warmth, Sakura finds none in Sasuke's gaze. The proud, elegant lines of his face somehow make him look arrogant even though his expression is neutral.

This isn't the face of a kind man. She'll have to wait and see whether he's cruel or simply cold. 

He looks her up and down, taking a quiet but intense inventory of her, and Sakura stands straighter. She won't be cowed. She's Lady Tsunade's daughter and Lord Hiashi's widow, a kunoichi and a healer and a mother of two. Whatever Uchiha Sasuke is, he isn't better than her.

Itachi clears his throat. "Sasuke. Introduce yourself."

"Hn," he says, a noise shockingly rude for how short it is. "She knows who I am."

Itachi whispers something to his brother too quietly for Sakura to hear. Sasuke's jaw tightens, but he walks over to her and says coolly, "Welcome to Nanmoku. It's a pleasure to meet you." 

"No greater a pleasure than meeting you, I'm sure," Sakura says. If she lets her voice edge on sarcastic, it's no less than he deserves.

Sasuke's eyebrows draw together a fraction. It's a minute change in his expression, but it speaks louder than words.

I don't want you, he says, with one subtle frown.

That's fine. She doesn't want him either. At least they're on even ground.

[artificialqueens]

The Blue Neighborhood Series: SUBURBIA (Group) - Mac

AN: A million and one thanks to everyone who has been here for this journey, I cannot thank you enough for your support and comments and love. I’m so thankful to have you guys and I hope this last chapter lives up to your expectations.

All my love to Meggie for betaing. All my love to Alex who made me actually start writing this series a year ago. All my love to Barbie for letting me bounce ideas off of her.

All my love to you all reading this. <3

Summary: The girls of the Blue Neighborhood grew up together. Playing in the streets, trading secrets, and falling in love.

And maybe, just maybe, they can forgive each other.

Rock bit back a smile as she heard footsteps bounding up the stairs to the prop room.

A week ago she would have scuttled into the far corner and hid until the person left, but now, as Aiden’s flushed face appeared in the doorway, Rock felt only a trace of nervousness.

“What’s up, bitch?” Aiden said by way of greeting.

Rock rolled her eyes, but patted the cool stone floor beside her, motioning for the other girl to sit. Aiden took her spot silently, the two falling into a sort of semi-comfort that they had developed over the past weeks.

Rock pulled out her phone, instinctively tapping through the screen to pull up the next episode of Sailor Moon.

She felt rather than heard Aiden’s complaint from beside her. “We are not watching this garbage again,” the dark-haired girl said, making a grab for the phone in Rock’s hand. But Rock had been anticipating this, and snatched her hand away in the nick of time, ratcheting up the volume a few notches to drown out Aiden’s groan of defeat.

“You were the one who busted up into my lunch spot. You can either bite your tongue or find another place to hide from everyone who’s pissed at you,” Rock retorted. “Also, don’t pretend you don’t like it, I see the way you look at Neptune, you fucking lesbian.”

Aiden rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth twitched up. “First of all, you’re a bitch. Second of all, shut up.”

Rock smirked. “I don’t hear you denying it.”

Aiden waved her hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, just play the damn show so I don’t have to hear you talk anymore.”

Rock smiled smugly to herself, pressing play and sinking back against the cold brick wall, Aiden’s warm presence heavy at her side.

The two watched in relative silence, save for Rock’s occasional need to info dump about a particular scene or character. Aiden rolled her eyes and gave her biting comments, but Rock could tell she appreciated the attention not being on her.

Ever since Aiden had been outed as the person behind the drama account, she had sunk even more into the background. Where before she would pipe in with snark and wit, now she sat back in silence, letting herself practically disappear in the horde.

Rock understood the feeling in a way.

Maybe that’s why they seemed to get along.

Aiden had stumbled up to the prop room one day, seeking asylum from her mistakes, and Rock had let her.

But questions still ate at her, bit at the tension in the air around them as they continued to watch in silence. Rock could feel them steadily bubbling to the surface, tempting her to ruin the peace she and Aiden had found.

She bit the bullet, pressing pause, noticing her breathing was coming out harsher than before.

“Why’d you do it?” she asked.

The question hung still in the air for a long while, so long that Rock nearly looked up to see if Aiden was still sitting beside her.

The older girl sighed, long and low. “You promised you wouldn’t bring it up.”

“Yeah.” Rock nodded, turning to meet Aiden’s eyes. “I lied.”

Aiden broke the contact, putting her head in her hands and letting out a shaky exhale. Rock expected her to leave, to lash out and storm away.

But Aiden just breathed in and out once more before lifting her head, staring at the stone floor intently. “My parents got divorced the summer before freshman year,” she said slowly, as if testing out the words on her tongue. “It came out of nowhere. There were no big fights or warning signs, just… divorce. And Mom never said why.”

Rock saw the other girl’s features soften the tiniest bit before harsh lines replaced them.

“We were happy. A happy, normal family. We played board games and went on camping trips and spent hours staring up at the clouds.” Aiden bit her lip harshly. “It came out of nowhere.”

She took a steadying breath before speaking again. “And then my dad got real sick. Couldn’t be on his own so he moved back in. And I couldn’t—” Aiden shook her head. “I didn’t know how to be there… in that house.”

“Everyday I would come back from school and I’d have lost a little more of him,” she practically whispered, voice suddenly hoarse and grating. “Mom did her best, caring for a man she didn’t love anymore, but she worked, and I went to school and… and… and we weren’t there for him.”

There was a beat of silence before Aiden spoke again. “I didn’t go home the week after he died. I slept in the theatre seats down there, showered in the locker rooms. Fuck.”

Rock didn’t know what to say, couldn’t imagine the pain and suffering that lived inside this girl she had known for so long.

Aiden’s expression hardened, but she still refused to look up from where her eyes were fixed on the floor. “That week I started noticing stuff. People doing shit they weren’t supposed to, shit that didn’t make sense.”

“The account wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, just a place to post dumb shit about the people who were dicks to me.”

Aiden finally turned to meet Rock’s gaze, her eyes wide and helpless. “I didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand, but all of a sudden people found it, and were sending the account other stuff. Confessions, kinks, teacher-student relationships and I-I didn’t know what to do.”

“And then I saw Gigi and Jaida,” Aiden exhaled shakily.

“And I remembered how hurt Crystal had been all those years ago, how hurt she still was about the whole thing. And I tried to bring it up to her, but she shot me down. And I tried to let it go, I really did.  But they just kept hooking up, and they weren’t even being secretive about it. And after three fucking years of hurting Crystal, I thought they deserved a little bit of shit for what they did.”

“So you posted the picture.” Rock nodded.

“Yeah.” Aiden sighed.

Rock took a deep breath in and out. “I didn’t know that, about your dad.”

“I didn’t tell anyone.” Aiden shook her head. “I didn’t want the pity. I didn’t want people… looking after me. It didn’t feel right since I didn’t-I couldn’t look after him.”

Rock nodded. “That all must have been…” She paused. “Really overwhelming,” she said lightly, placing a gentle hand on Aiden’s shoulder.

Aiden scoffed, shrugging off Rock’s affection. “Why are you saying it like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you…” Aiden floundered, “I dunno, understand. Like you’re not mad.”

Rock shook her head. “Oh, I’m mad,” she assured.

Aiden looked down to her fingers, toying with the laces of her shoes.

“But I get why you did it.”

Aiden shook her head, words coming out in a desperate whisper. “I’m not sure I do.”

“You want answers.” Rock shrugged. “That’s all any of us want. You want to know why your parents divorced, you want to know why people lie, you want to know how someone could cheat on someone else.”

Aiden looked up to meet Rock’s eyes, the first look of genuine vulnerability passing between them.

“You don’t get to know.” Rock smiled sadly. “You gotta suck it up like the rest of us and get comfortable with not knowing.”

Aiden’s gaze darted away, breaking eye contact again, but Rock didn’t stop. “You don’t get to make up a narrative and force other people to fit it. You wanna be emo and angsty and upset at the world, fine, you do that, but you don’t get to ruin other people’s lives just because you got dealt a shit hand in life.”

“Tough talk for a bitch hiding in a prop room,” Aiden snapped.

Rock chuckled. That’s the Aiden she knew. “In case it escaped your notice, you’re also up here hiding, dumbass.”

Aiden looked at Rock hard, walls up, defenses primed, ready to attack.

But then she laughed.

Really, genuinely laughed.

And she didn’t stop.

She didn’t stop until tears started streaming down her face, and she was hiccuping around sobs she desperately tried to fight off.

And Rock held her through it.

…

Brita couldn’t help a smile as she made her way down the hallway and through the open doors to the art room. She was met with a chorus of greetings that still managed to make her stomach flip.

She took up her usual seat next to Heidi, and the two began to trade the entirety of their respective lunches. They fell into easy conversation, as the couples on either side of the room were too absorbed in each other to pay them any mind.

Brita watched them out of the corner of her eye, blaming it on curiosity.  

Nicky and Crystal sat next to each other, smiling ear to ear and occasionally feeding each other bites of food like lovesick idiots.

“They’re so gross,” Heidi groaned from beside her.

The two girls in question whipped around to glare at her.

“I miss when you were both too gay to talk to each other. Can we go back to that? I miss that.” Heidi whined, stabbing at the pasta Brita brought with a fork.

Crystal raised a challenging brow at Heidi, and without breaking eye contact, which was a feat in and of itself, pulled Nicky in for an overly loud kiss.

Heidi scowled. “I hate y’all.”  

Brita laughed at the pair, but as their kiss became more heated, she turned her head, hoping to conceal the flush that ran the length of her neck.

She shook her head to clear it, mind suddenly muddled as she tried to piece together the feelings welling up inside her at such a public display. Her eyes flitted around the room, latching on to anything that could keep her attention.

She saw Gigi, who was perched on one of the tables, elbows resting atop her knees, head in her hands as Jackie rambled on about something to do with a new congresswoman who was ‘changing the political game.’

They seemed… comfortable. At ease around each other in a way that wasn’t unexpected, they had known each other their whole lives, yet Brita was still shocked when they announced they were dating. But now, looking at the two sharing gentle smiles over their respective lunches, Brita didn’t know why she never put the two together before. The pair was well-matched. Their quiet intimacy seeped into their conversation, gentle giggles erupting every so often from their side of the room.

Brita again found herself oddly entranced.

Was that what it was like to love a woman?

Was it always so… tender?

Nausea filled the pit in her gut, and she turned away from the happy couple.

Internalized Homophobia.

She had read about it on the internet. Hadn’t batted her eye at the definition the first time, but now it seemed to be coming back to her.

It didn’t feel good, not at all. Confronting that about herself. Seeing such blatant representation of something she had learned to bury so long ago.

But it wasn’t impossible.

She knew that to get to the bottom of this… whatever it was she was feeling, she had to confront it head on. She had to understand where it came from and why it seemed to hurt her so much.

These girls, these couples moreover, were showing her that it didn’t have to be so hard. That there was a chance for happiness, unabashed joy even. Love.

And that, funnily enough, gave her hope.

Heidi chuckled from beside her, noticing her red face. “You sure you don’t like girls, Miss Filter?”

It took everything in her not to flinch.

Instead, Brita simply shrugged.

And she counted that a victory.

…

Widow started as she nearly ran headfirst into a lanky brunette.

Before she could so much as say something, the figure had bolted toward the school building. Widow just watched him go, an amused smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. As she rounded the sports shed, she overheard her friend’s voice clear and brash as always.

“Matthews only cares if your paper’s in fucking English, doesn’t matter the content.”

A short blonde girl rolled her eyes pointedly and went to say something, but Dahlia stopped her with a hand. “You know the rules yeah? Change the first and last word for each paragraph.”

The girl nodded.

Dahlia pulled out a handful of loose papers and held them out to the freshman, who grabbed them wordlessly. “Now get lost.”

Widow smiled as the young kid scampered off.  

“You really should charge them more,” she called out.

Dahlia started at the sound of another voice, but relaxed as she identified the source.

She smirked, shrugging. “Consider it a donation to charity.”

“I dunno if you can count having half the freshman class cheat off of you for tax write-offs.”

Dahlia chuckled.

“You ‘bout done here?” Widow asked, gesturing to the makeshift office Dahlia had set up.

The younger girl nodded, throwing papers haphazardly into her open backpack.

Widow looked around, the breeze ruffling her curls and sending a shiver down her spine. “Yeah, let’s get outta here, this place gives me the creeps.”

“You think this place is bad, you should see the old greenhouse. That shit’s fuckin’ haunted, man.” Dahlia shook her head.

Widow’s eyes lit up. “The WHAT?”

Dahlia turned to stare wide eyed at her. “You serious? You ain’t ever gone by it?”

Widow shook her head dumbly.

Dahlia chuckled, flinging her backpack over her shoulder.

“Lead the way, bitch.” Widow smiled.

They walked for only ten minutes, past the baseball field and through the line of trees that bordered the athletic quad. Through a patch of thick brush they came to a small clearing. An old greenhouse stood practically tethered to the surrounding vegetation, only because of the fading light reflecting against the frosted glass could Widow even make out the corners of the structure.

Before they could so much as stop, Widow was excitedly pulling her camera out of her school bag, fiddling with the aperture until she got the lighting perfect on the small screen in front of her.

Dahlia rolled her eyes fondly, allowing her friend to stalk around the building, snapping endless pictures, mumbling about shutter speed and light refraction. It was only a matter of time, and a few pleading words from Widow, before Dahlia found herself posing next to the greenhouse.

“I regret this already,” she groaned but allowed Widow to pose her in various absurd positions, all of which felt incredibly awkward, yet came out stunning.

The two girls ventured into the structure, finding the inside just as overgrown and sprawling as the outside. It felt much bigger on the inside, wooden tables covered in pots lined the walls, leaving only a center plot of ground to walk, but the walls were massive, green tint to the window panes making the ceiling appear vaulted.

“This place is gorgeous, oh my god!” Widow exclaimed, practically jumping up and down in excitement. She whipped around to face Dahlia, eyes alight with her signature mischief. “Oh my god, D, we could totally give this place a makeover.”

Dahlia went to protest, because really? But Widow started talking a mile a minute before she could get a word in.

“Just move that plant over there and that table against the far wall, and we could probably fit a couch in here if we turned it sideways. My dad has this old one in the basement that we don’t use. We could get Jaida’s truck and haul it here. And I know Crystal would fucking love to paint in this place. Not to mention we could totally smoke here without getting caught. And—”

Dahlia finally butted in. “What do I look like? Fuckin’ HGTV?”

Widow rolled her eyes, turning to face her friend, the plea evident in her tone. “This place could be a really bangin spot, D,” she implored. “Plus, with it gettin cold an’ all, we’ve got fuck all to do.”

Dahlia sighed. “Remind me why we’re friends.” Even as she said it, Dahlia couldn’t keep the smile from creeping up the sides of her face.

“Because you love me.” Widow whined, pulling Dahlia closer, and peppering kisses against the side of her face.

Dahlia pushed her off gently, miming vomiting, and Widow just laughed.

The two cleared off a bit of the tables, each setting up across from each other. They fell into a comfortable silence, inhaling and exhaling the late autumn breeze, watching as their breath danced in the air.

“You talked to Gigi?” Widow finally asked, shattering their peaceful silence.

Dahlia sighed, long and low. “Yeah.” She nodded slowly. “Said I was sorry about the stuff at the party. I didn’t know… I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I had no clue.”

“None of us did.”

“Yeah, but it was kinda my fault in the first place.”

Widow shrugged. “It woulda come out one way or another.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Dahlia bit her lip, refusing to meet Widow’s eyes.

“But?”

“But, I still gotta talk to Jan.”

Widow sighed, but nodded her head knowingly. “Yeah, you do,” she agreed.

“I just don’t know how the fuck to go about it.”

Widow scoffed. “Maybe start with ‘I’m sorry.’”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Dahlia groaned, letting her head drop into her open hands. “Fuck, man. I really messed up.”

“You knew that when you fell for another girl’s boyfriend,” Widow replied.

“Yeah, but it just got so complicated.”

Widow nodded, smiling sadly. “That’s life for ya. Doesn’t mean you don’t do the right thing.”

Dahlia nodded into her hands, breathing in and out slowly. When she finally looked up to meet Widow’s eyes, she nodded. “She and Bryce broke up.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he told me last week. I didn’t know how to feel.”

There was a pause. “How do you feel?” Widow asked.

Dahlia looked at her for a moment, mind everywhere and nowhere at the same time. “I dunno. I thought I’d be… happy? I guess. But I just feel… nothing.”

Widow nodded. “Well, hey, if you’re ever feeling down, just know that Joe asks me at least once a month if you’d join us for a threesome.”

Dahlia laughed, even though she hadn’t wanted to. “I’ve still got it,” she joked.

Widow rolled her eyes playfully. “You’ve always had it, bitch. You just been wastin’ it on guys you couldn’t have.”

“Yeah yeah, all right, who are you, my therapist?”

Widow suddenly got very serious, her voice grave. “Don’t even joke about that. That’s fuckin’ terrifying.”

“Hey!” Dahlia yelled, flinging a handful of dirt at her friend.

Widow held up her hands in surrender. “Your mind is a scary place, D.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

…

Heidi looked up as the door to the house across the street opened and closed, revealing an exhausted looking Jaida.

The All-Star player exhaled loudly, leaning against her front door. When she opened her eyes, she saw Heidi and had the decency to look embarrassed.

Heidi just smiled knowingly. “You too?”

The tension in Jaida’s shoulders dissipated as she recognized Heidi’s meaning. “Dude,” she exhaled, shaking her head.

“I know.” Heidi chuckled.

“It’s like… they don’t know how to act like people.”

“I know!” Heidi agreed. “What’s with that?”

“The fuck if I know.” Jaida smiled warmly.

“Promise me if I ever get old and start acting like that you’ll just shoot me in the head.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” Jaida chuckled.

“Hey!” Heidi scoffed, waving the bowl she had around animatedly.

Jaida just laughed, easy and light.

“Whatcha got there?” She motioned to the Tupperware in Heidi’s hands.

A mischievous smile broke out across Heidi’s face. “Banana pudding,” she winked. “Best you’ve ever had, I guarantee.”

Jaida’s eyes lit up and she raised a brow inquisitively at the dish.

“Go grab a few spoons and you can try some.” Heidi nodded.

“A few?”

“If you think we the only ones with crazy family on Thanksgiving, you got another thing comin’.”

As if on cue, the door to Jackie’s house banged open, the aforementioned girl storming out the door and into the street, breathing harshly. Heidi could feel the anger and hurt rolling off her in waves, and felt sympathy well up inside her. She knew Jackie’s family was rough, they’d been especially difficult the past month with her relationship with Gigi coming to light.

Heidi didn’t think twice about waving her over with a sweeping gesture.

“Hey, guys,” Jackie exhaled, the lines beside her face appearing deeper than they had a few days ago.

The two gave her sympathetic looks.

Heidi clocked the moment Jackie noticed the dish in her hands, her eyes widening a fraction. Heidi patted the ground beside her. “Jaida’s gonna go grab spoons.”

Jaida rolled her eyes but made her way back into the house.

Just then, Nicky’s door opened and the French beauty made her way outside, lighting a cigarette like a reflex as she noticed the girls. She waltzed over to them, smiling all the while. “I thought the point of this holiday was that you were supposed to spend time with your family.”

Before either of them could answer, Crystal’s door banged open.

“Nicky, that better not be what I think it is!”

Nicky’s eyes went wide and she quickly doused her cigarette with her shoe. The french beauty turned on her heel, offering a wide and not at all suspicious smile to her girlfriend. “Ma préféré! I do not know what you mean.”

Crystal raised a challenging eyebrow as she made her way over to the three girls. She surveyed the two on the ground, who pointedly looked away, not about to get in the middle of whatever the fuck those two were on about.

“Mhmmm.” Crystal rolled her eyes.

Jaida appeared again, with several spoons and her own tray of biscuits.

Jackie got up excitedly and rushed back into her house, claiming that she had food too.

The group set up their small feast in the middle of the numerous parked cars that lined the cul de sac. Chatting animatedly about their respective family drama.

It wasn’t long before they were joined by Widow, holding a vat of green beans that her family wouldn’t eat, even though she swore they were seasoned to perfection.

Slowly, one by one, each of the houses in the cul de sac opened and closed, girls pouring out of them, some with food, others with hopeful smiles.

Gigi had bounded over to the group, arms extended with a pot of mac ‘n cheese. She had sidled up right next to Jackie, the new couple whispering in hushed voices, blush high on their cheeks.

Brita joined them not long after, an array of silverware in her hands, and plopped down with Heidi.

Next was Dahlia, with a bottle of wine in each hand.

When Jan joined the group, she looked skeptically at the bottles, but bravely took a swig from each, wincing a bit at the taste.

At some point Rock had snuck into the circle, her occasional odd comment taking the group off guard at the suddenness of her appearance.

The comfortable conversation slowly petered out when Aiden arrived.

The black-haired girl gave a weak smile, gesturing down to the pot in her hands. “I brought stuffing,” she spoke softly.

There was silence.

The group stared at her, and Aiden stared back

The silence went on, each girl’s eyes flitting about the circle, unwilling to be the first to speak.

Until, Rock bit the bullet. “Thank god someone here knows what real Thanksgiving food is!”

There was another beat of silence.

And then conversations resumed.

Slowly at first.

The tension was still there, Aiden wasn’t forgiven, but the tense atmosphere eased a bit as the black-haired girl took up a seat on the outskirts of the group next to Rock, placing her dish in the middle of the circle.

Heidi surveyed the scene, smiling at the sight. A mixture of voices bubbled up from all sides as the girls fell into new, comfortable conversations.

She marveled at the fading color of the trees, signaling the change of season, and the coming winter. As she glanced back over to the group of girls gathered in the center of the street, head clouded, heart full, the only emotion she could pinpoint was hope.

Hope that the girls of the Blue Neighborhood had what it took to tackle the rest of their senior year.

[uchihasakurawrites]

Until Next Time

Rating: T

Summary: When ghosts from the war come back to haunt Sakura, Sasuke's there to try his hand at warding them off. A story of comfort, growth, and realization. (Blank Period)

Word Count: 3,777

A/N: Long time, no see everyone! Thank you for your patience as I’ve worked through some writer’s block the past few months. I know many of you are waiting on the next chapter for A Lesson in Practicality, but I hope you’ll still enjoy this piece. Please let me know your thoughts if you have the time! Otherwise, thank you for taking some time to read my work. ^_^

Warning: This story contains depictions of panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks, and some alcohol abuse. Nothing too dark in here since it's mainly a comfort fic, but please be cautious if any of these topics are triggering for you.

Cross posted on Ao3 and Fanfiction.net

____________________________________

Her day begins and ends the same way every other day the past year seemed to - with Sakura walking into the hospital with a confident spring to her step and a brightness in her eyes and dragging herself out (on the rare day she had the energy to pry herself from her desk) with antiseptic or blood or a mix of the two staining her hands and the lab coat she'd forgotten to peel off.

Tonight, Sakura consciously decides not to make the effort to drag herself out of the hospital. Leaving means she'll be roped into the birthday party Ino's been planning for Sai for months, and she doesn't quite have the energy to even shower, let alone paste a convincing smile on her lips.

She spares a glance at the old clock posted right above the chalkboard in her office as she shuffles in and locks the door behind her.

8:00PM.

Fourteen hours since Naruto shook her awake and thrust her straight into a day from hell.

It's still a little too early for anyone to come looking for her yet. Naruto will notice that she's not at the bar right when he arrives, but Hinata will patiently remind him of the shitshow that was today and reason that Sakura's still probably dealing with the aftermath. (In much less colorful terms, of course; Sakura's only heard her friend curse a handful of times, none of which were in front of Naruto.) That'll buy her about an hour before Ino starts making a fuss and sends Sai or Kiba out to Sakura's apartment.

If she's not there, they'll assume she's still at the hospital, and they won't come back until it's close to midnight. Not today. Not after seeing the hallways lined with burn victims pleading for someone to find their loved ones. Not after returning home and finding that the stench of charred skin and blood isn't so easy to wash out of their clothes.

Sakura didn't get to leave. Her role just changed from a kunoichi dispatched on a rescue mission to the de facto head of the hospital the moment she crossed the threshold.

She pulls the shades in hopes of convincing her friends that she isn't here if they do decide to come looking but stops short in front of the light switch. The migraine between her temples screams for her to turn the fluorescents off, but she doesn't trust her mind not to see death in the shadows of her office tonight.

She turns them off anyways.

It isn't until she's sitting criss-cross on her floor with her too-full bookshelf at her back and a bottle of sake in her hand that Sakura realizes her hands are trembling. A splash of sake makes its way onto her carpet instead of into her cup, and she curses because it's good sake - the expensive kind that Tsunade bought her a case of after the war and no no no.

She cuts that thought there because violent memories of the war, or rather the days immediately following the war, have been intruding into her mind all day and she just can't.

A case or so of sake should knock her and those thoughts right out (or so she hopes). Years of honing her skills as a medic nin have given her a certain resistance to toxins, including alcohol, and it's why she doesn't bother to drink most of the time; social drinking is more of a waste of money than anything else. She figures that's precisely why her mentor gave her an entire case as a gift.

It isn't until she's two bottles in and there's a buzzed lightness to her body that she realizes she's crying.

Her breath seems to come faster and faster, shallower and shallower, and she wonders if the buzz and creeping, cold numbness in her fingers is because of the alcohol or the lack of oxygen. She's shivering, muscles tensed to the point of pain, but she blames it on the chill of the hospital.

Another glass will knock the cold right out. At least, that's what Tsunade used to say when she drank away the ghosts that forced themselves a little too close to the front of her mind.

It's a few glasses later that Sakura starts seeing the eyes of the dead staring back at her from the shadows at the edges of her office. She's back on the battlefield, the same smell of burnt skin and the mournful cries of shinobi finally processing the deaths of their comrades hanging in the air. She's been healing for days, but she continues to push. The fighting may be over but there are still identities to confirm, survivors to heal, and families to be notified.

Sakura knew that death was part of her job description from her days in the Academy; protecting the interests of the village often required it. Tsunade had let her figure out that the same was true of her job as a medic on her own, when she lost her first patient at fifteen. She'd learned to put the deaths she dealt with in a neat little box which she deadbolted and tossed on a shelf in the deepest recess of her mind she could find.

But death was a uniquely stubborn bastard that didn't always like to stay in that box.

She'd been awake for the full three days the war had drawn on, but the medical corps was tasked with the brunt of combing through the miles upon miles of dead shinobi for another forty-eight hours or so. They'd had help, but medics were the ones needed throughout to organize, heal, or in the worst possible cases (which Sakura and Shizune handled) show mercy to the shinobi who were alive but long past the point of saving.

Sakura nearly vomits and washes the bile down with more sake. One glass. Another.

The quiet tears have turned into sobs that scratch at her throat and squeeze her lungs. Her nails cut thin crescent moons into her forearms, and her shoulders hunch as if she can ward off the prying eyes. Sakura barely has the presence of mind to activate the silencing seal in her office - the one she keeps on hand when discussing particularly sensitive cases - before her sobs grow into half screams. She can't get enough air to manage much more than a hoarse cry, but if she can just drink fast enough, it shouldn't matter.

And so she cracks open another bottle and brings it directly to her lips, trying to focus on the burn of the alcohol on her throat and Naruto's bright smile reassuring her that everything would be fine when he first found her clutching a bottle of sake in the corner of her disaster of a bedroom.

What she doesn't count on is the alcohol making it increasingly difficult to distinguish reality from the memories that have escaped from her mind and seared themselves into the darkness around her. They become more real, more tangible, until she swears she can hear the fresh widow of a shinobi from Cloud shouting about how Sakura hadn't done enough. Another voice joins until there's a chorus telling her exactly what she feared most:

There shouldn't have been so many casualties. She should have been able to do more.

She was weak.

Her tears stop for a moment when she looks up and sees Sasuke standing in the doorway. For a fraction of a second, she almost feels relieved and tries to move to go to him, but she's reminded none of this is real, and she can't be sure which Sasuke this is. Given her current state of mind, it's probably the one who haunted her nightmares for months after the bridge and still longer after his genjutsu in the war. She takes a swig from the bottle she clenches in her fist and curls back into herself.

Sasuke's repeated calls of her name fall on deaf ears.

For his part, Sasuke is at a loss. He's never seen Sakura like this (and he'd witnessed her tears firsthand on many occasions as genin). Sure, she's always worn her heart on her sleeve and been far too open with her emotions by standard shinobi rules, but she has never seemed so broken.

Looking at the scratch marks that trail down her forearms and the far too many empty bottles of sake for someone of her stature littered on the carpet, Sasuke realizes he doesn't know this woman - and in retrospect, he never should have assumed otherwise.

From her confessions both during the war and when he made the decision to leave her behind yet again, Sasuke knows she's still fiercely loyal and has a light bright enough to forgive and heal anything it touches without her needing to make the conscious choice to do so. Her skills as a shinobi have grown to the point that she could give him a challenge if they were to spar, and he's seen her heal an entire battlefield for days on end while still fighting on the front lines.

She's become more than worthy of the title of the "New Sannin," as the original Team 7 has now been christened, and she still loves him (unreasonably so in his opinion, but he's come to realize that maybe he doesn't want her to change her mind - even if he thinks it would be better for her in the long run). But that's all he knows, and he finds himself wanting to discover more of who Sakura is now.

He has years of absence and cruel actions to make up for, and far more growth beyond that to become someone who deserves the steadfast love she's always been ready to give him.

At the moment, however, he needs to get her to let go of the liquor bottle she clutches onto like a lifeline and refocus on the present. He's been trapped by his past more times than he'll ever admit, and though he hasn't had real comfort since his mother (and Sakura, he amends), he owes it to her to at least try.

Sasuke approaches her slowly, intentionally making his footsteps heavier so that she can hear him approach. Whatever nightmare she's trapped in - he confirmed it wasn't a genjutsu the moment he broke the lock on her door after an unnerving spike in her chakra - she hasn't seemed to notice he's actually here. He bites back the guilt that surfaces at the thought that he could be part of her nightmare, but that's something they can work through later.

He crouches down in front of her, taking a firm hold of the hand that clutches the bottle to try to coax it out of her grip. She jolts at the touch, peeking hesitantly up from her knees with red-rimmed eyes and a mix of tears and sweat coating her cheeks.

"Breathe, Sakura."

Her grip loosens as she meets his eyes. He sees uncertainty waver in her gaze as she hiccups in a short breath, but then the panic snaps back down and tightens her hold on the bottle yet again.

"I- I can't."

The words are stilted, as though forcing out those two words causes her physical pain. Sasuke, however, considers it a small win as it means Sakura's decided he's real. Her breathing is still far too fast, and he knows he needs to stabilize it before she's ready to explain what's happening.

It's awkward - both because Sasuke has never done this and the fact that he hasn't completely sorted through his feelings for his teammate - but he eventually pulls Sakura far enough away from the bookcase that he can shuffle in behind her. He secures his legs around her sides and arranges Sakura so that her back rests on his chest.

It's almost annoying just how snugly Sakura fits against him, her head tucked just below his chin. A part of his mind notes how her curves seem to melt into his frame only to be ruthlessly shoved down. There are priorities, and noting how the boyish (yet annoyingly charming) Sakura has clearly blossomed into a young woman is not one of them.

Where the Sakura from his memories smelled of strawberries and artificial sweetness, the woman in his arms tonight seems as though she's been doused in a pungent blend of antiseptic and ash.

"Breathe, Sakura."

Sasuke repeats Sakura's name to ground her as he starts regulating his own breath: six counts in through the nose, hold, eight counts out through the mouth. He's sure to exaggerate his breaths a bit so Sakura can feel the movement against her back. Hesitantly, his hand comes up to trail over the marks on her forearm. His hands have always been cold, so he figures the one he has left might be able to relieve some of the sting from her nails.

He makes a mental note to pick up some basic medical ninjutsu and doesn't bother to pretend it's just for field injuries.

It takes about ten minutes for Sakura's breathing to return mostly to normal. It still stutters every now and then, but she's matching Sasuke almost breath for breath. She doesn't move away from him, and Sasuke doesn't move to shift her.

As they sit in silence, save for their own breathing, Sasuke realizes he's put himself in a position where he needs to actually start the conversation. There's no bright chatter, no smile to coax him into talking. Again, he's at a loss.

It seems this new Sakura has retained a talent for doing this to him.

Annoying woman.

"Tell me about it."

Sakura immediately shakes her head, breath trembling yet again. Sasuke sighs and guesses he should have known she wasn't going to make this easy for him. He can't blame her. If someone asked him to do the same, he would have told them to fuck off.

"Sakura."

She turns to him with a dangerous look in her eyes, a cold jade that threatens to cut him if he pushes too far. Sasuke's always been the best at serving the very same look, but it's unnerving to see it etched into Sakura's soft features.

"Dammit, Sakura. Just talk to me."

Her gaze grows warmer, but not in the way he wants. She's angry, and Sasuke isn't really sure how he could have pissed her off in just six words. Sakura being Sakura, she of course makes the reason for her anger clear immediately.

"And why the hell do I need to do that, Sasuke?"

Sasuke nearly winces at the dropped suffix on his name and tries to remember how his mother handled it when he refused to confide in her.

"You haven't been here" - even Sakura knows this is unfair as she says it, but the confusion, grief, and alcohol clouding her mind make it difficult to acknowledge how much the man she loves has grown to be able to offer this to her- "and you never told me anything when I asked you to. So fuck off, Sasuke-kun. I'm sure Naruto's expecting you."

Naruto most definitely wasn't, but Sasuke doesn't see the value in pointing that particular fact out. By the time he got to the village and was promptly dragged into the bar he had made the mistake of walking past on his way to the Hokage Tower, the idiot was already drunk off his ass. Ino was as well, so Hinata asked Sasuke if he would mind going to check on Sakura at the hospital since she and Sai needed to stay to take care of their significant others.

Sakura finally moves to get up, tipping over a half-full bottle of sake in her efforts, but Sasuke can still see the tremors in her hands and the familiar strain of a jaw clenched against tears. Her eyes still dart towards the corners of the room.

Sasuke's well aware of the ghosts that can haunt those shadows and resolves to help Sakura put hers to rest, even if it's just for the night. His legs tighten around Sakura before she can fully pull away from him, and she falls back against his chest with a huff and a glare that's more tired than venomous.

Sasuke sighs and lowers his head. His bangs cover his eyes as he decides to voice at least part of the feelings he's managed to process regarding Sakura. He's not sure exactly how to categorize how he feels about her yet (mostly because his mind still can't comprehend why someone so bright has loved him through so much darkness), but he wants to help and that's about all he can offer her at the moment.

She deserves more, so much more, but he hopes it's enough for now.

"I'm here, Sakura."

He wants to add that he's not going anywhere because someone who will stay is only a fraction of what Sakura deserves, but that's not a promise he can make.

He feels Sakura's surprise as she stiffens against him, and her breath stops altogether for a few worrying moments. Sasuke wills himself to stay relaxed at her back, still maintaining a steady breathing pace should she need the rhythm again.

Sakura's thoughts are a whirlwind that she tries to grab ahold of but slips right through her fingers. She's torn, half of her mind shattered glass that urges her to open up and share even a part of her pain so that she can just stop breaking. Sasuke's here, showing his own vulnerability (however slight) in hopes that she'll trust him enough to do the same, and she's not sure when she'll experience this side of him again.

The other half, near-solid stone with only spiderweb cracks, whispers that voicing the memories that haunt her will only confirm her weakness in Sasuke's eyes. Instead of seeing the warrior who destroyed the ground and healed thousands in the war, he'll see the wisp of a girl who had trailed behind him as a genin.

It's the gentle, unconscious stroke of Sasuke's thumb across her forearm that makes her decision. Sasuke can sense the shift in Sakura as her head drops back onto his shoulder and her eyes squeeze shut. She's tired, so tired.

"I killed them."

Her voice breaks in the middle, and Sakura hisses out a quiet dammit at her traitorous voice. Sasuke's hand tightens where it rests on her arm.

He's quiet for a moment. Outside of discussing strategy or the details of a mission, talking isn't something Sasuke has much practice in. That, and his plan may have ended at getting Sakura to calm down enough to breathe properly.

He spends another minute in silence, growing increasingly frustrated with his inability to find the words he needs to comfort the woman who has always known exactly what he needed to hear. Sakura, however, doesn't seem to mind the silence as she relaxes against him. Green eyes crack open, and though they're still muddled with pain, he sees a steady glimmer of trust and contentment behind them that immediately quells his frustration.

The open trust in Sakura's gaze reminds Sasuke that she's never expected him to be anyone other than himself. She's always been patient, meeting him more than halfway as he seemed to take one step towards her and two or three back.

He suspects it's the same now, as there's no expectation in her eyes, no tension in her body that suggests she's irritated by his silence. So instead of pushing himself to think of the correct words to fill the empty space, Sasuke pulls her more firmly against his chest and shifts her so his chin rests lightly atop her head.

It's more affection than he's ever shown, and it's far from comfortable for him, but Sasuke knows that Sakura's worth a bit of discomfort.

Just as Sakura has spent so many years steadfastly waiting for him to come to her, he settles in to wait for her to tell him - whether that time comes tonight or later down the line.

That time doesn't come tonight. Though she trusts Sasuke with her life, Sakura can't quite break through the insecurity that he'll find her weak the moment she says anything more. Maybe it's not a fair assumption to make, but most of her memories of them together on the battlefield ended in Sakura being treated as fragile - something to be left behind and protected.

Even if they made progress during the war, Sakura's not quite ready to test the durability of the picture of strength she painted as she threw herself at Madara or took on a goddess at her team's side.

Instead, she's happy to just let his presence ward off the shadows in her mind. The voices are silent at his touch, so she decides to just enjoy the rest and wrestle with them when they inevitably come back after Sasuke's gone again.

Sasuke feels Sakura's breathing even out and watches her eyes flutter closed as she falls asleep against him. It's an interesting thing, having someone trust you so fully that they're willing to be at their most unguarded.

And he's done nothing to deserve it. He knows this, and it merely strengthens his resolve to continue his journey of atonement so that he can become someone who's at least a fraction deserving of Sakura and all that she's willing to offer him.

As he maneuvers himself out from behind Sakura and shifts her onto his back, Sasuke realizes with a tinge of bitterness that this is something he could have every day - Sakura's presence and everything bright and loving that entails. But as much as he wants to be there when she wakes up and finally say yes to taking her with him, he's not quite ready for that step.

There's more growth to be had, more relationships to mend, more emotions for him to reconcile within himself. While he knows having Sakura by his side would expedite the process of mending bridges and healing his own wounds, she needs to keep some of her light for herself.

When he leaves this time, it's out of consideration not just for himself, but for both of them. He can just make out the time when he asks Sakura to join him on his journey in the near future, but it's not now. They both have steps they need to take before they're ready.

He leaves Sakura tucked under the nest of far too many blankets she's always stubbornly kept haphazardly strewn across her bed, with a simple note on her nightstand:

Next time, Sakura.

[bunny-hoodlum]

correct me if im wrong but I think I remember you telling us that you also had another age diff nh fic in the making 👀 do tell us more about this :33

Haha, well... That depends on which part of the second ask I answered, so I will actually clarify both: I referenced a Shota!Naruto/Onee-san!Hinata one-shot concept that I decided against writing because I doubted very many people would actually go for it and it'd be 'problematic'. But here's the premise: In a Modern AU where Minato(36) is Sakura(16), Ino and Hinata's widowed high school teacher, Sakura and Ino both have the hots for Minato and want him to notice them. They both get this idea to babysit his 12yo son Naruto in order to get closer to Minato, but Naruto turns out to be an absolute terror. But Minato is aware that Hinata is the only one that Naruto is nice to, and asks her if she can make him dinner. For the next year she looks after Naruto (this is where I realize 'why isn't Minato home for him? But I guess he's stuck doing paper work at school by the time Naruto is done at elementary?? 🤷), and it's the eve of his 13th birthday (working off of Japan's age of consent, which may or may not be misrepresented here), and he not only confesses to Hinata but he wants her for his 13th birthday. 😳😶😶😶 Lemon scene where he's the dominant partner and Hinata is letting him do whatever because she can't say no to him, and yeah. 🙊 *wants to hide under a rock now 😣* And then cutesy epilogue where she attends his high school graduation and they've been together ever since.

My other age difference is a current ongoing fic on hiatus "Hidden From Sunlight", where Hanabi was born first (becomes a paragon of everything wrong with traditional Hyuuga ideals and is something of a Frenemy to the other Rookies), and Hinata is born second (five year age difference retained). This one has rewrite aspects and parallel exploration. Hinata being five years younger than Naruto has all sorts of issues I can't wait to explore when I am able. 😅

Thank you for the ask, @char-lotteral :3 <3

[ao3feed-kakagai]

by SleepingChivo

A mysterious group of refugees from a long forgotten clan displaced by Orochimaru seek refuge within Konoha, sparking events that will change the course of the future.

* When he turns three, neglected by the Third Hokage and the staff running the village orphanage, Naruto disappears without a trace, kidnapped by Cloud Ninja. However, be it pure luck or favor of the gods, a small group of warriors of a long forgotten and devastated clan, the Hatano, intercept his kidnappers while on the hunt for Orochimaru.

Three years after his rescue, Naruto has become the heir of this clan, and his adoptive father and Clan Head, Hige, has finally defeated Orochimaru and avenged his people. But Kabuto has disappeared without a trace. With no home and no allies, Hige’s remaining clansmen are vulnerable and in a desperate bid for their survival Hige reaches out to Konoha, seeking asylum, offering Orochimaru’s head in exchange for citizenship.

NOTICE: Summary may be subject to change, since I totally suck at them -,-

Words: 3805, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Naruto

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: M/M, Multi

Characters: Original Uchiha Character(s), Original Characters, Original Hatake Character(s), Original Nara Character(s), Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi, Nara Shikaku, Nara Shikamaru, Rookie Nine (Naruto), Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Sasuke, Tsunade (Naruto), Yakushi Kabuto, Suna no Sankyoudai | Sand Siblings, Gaara (Naruto), Original Uzumaki Character(s), Sai adopted by Gai

Relationships: Nara Shikaku/Original Male Character(s), Haruno Sakura/Rock Lee, Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy, Akimichi Chouji/Uchiha Sasuke, OMC & Naruto, Maito Gai | Might Guy & Sai, Nara Shikamaru & Uzumaki Naruto

Additional Tags: OMC - Freeform, Bi OMC, No Uchiha Massacre, Orochimaru is dead, Danzo exposed, BAMF OMC, Eventual Fuinjutsu Master Naruto, OMC is Naruto's adoptive father, Strong Haruno Sakura, Ino & Sakura aren't obsessed with Sasuke, Clan Politics, slow-burn, Angst, Fluff and Angst, OMC has the Mangekyo Sharingan, Disabled OMC, Disabled Character, OMC of color, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow To Update, Friends to Lovers, OMC kills Orochimaru, Not a Third Hokage friendly fic, Tsunade replaces Third Hokage, Older Man/Younger Man, Widow Nara Shikaku, OMC has one arm, Child OC is blind

[degrassi-fanatic]

❤️the babie zone❤️

fandoms include but are not limited to:

Criminal Minds

Merlin

9-1-1 Fox

Naruto 

ATLA

Ted Lasso

Headcanons/Asks

i wanna start doing hcs !!! so send them !!! or prompts !!! 

Fics

Asked You To Write It Down For Me - Ted Lasso (roy kent & georgie)

Time, Wondrous Time - Ted Lasso (tedbecca)

Insecurity - Ted Lasso (royjamie)

An Admission of the Worst Kind - Criminal Minds (gen jj & hotch)

Happy Ending - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

The Tales of the Hatake-Uzumaki Household - Naruto (kakanaru)

Let Her Go - 9-1-1 (henren)

Happy Birthday - Naruto (sakuino)

Four Times Kakashi and Naruto Spy on Sakura, and the One Time She Returns the Favour - Naruto (kakanaru/ gen kakashi, naruto, & sakura)

A Slow Day at Work - Naruto (sakuino/ gen kiba & ino)

Window Sill - Naruto (gen kakashi & naruto/ kakanaru if you want)

Rainy Day - Naruto (kibahina)

Happy Father’s Day - 9-1-1 (gen buck & bobby)

In Sickness and In Health - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

Care For the Most - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

The Bet - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

Forgotten Anniversary - Criminal Minds (morcia)

Let’s Dance - Criminal Minds (jemily)

The Rules of Mourning - ATLA (gen zuko & sokka)

Something to Remember Us By - Criminal Minds (jemily)

Stay Awhile - Criminal Minds (jemily/ gen prentiss & will)

His Proxy - Criminal Minds (gen rossi & reid)

Framed Photograph - 9-1-1 (gen buck & chimney/ madney)

Any Other Option - Merlin (morgwen) 

Your Father’s Son - Criminal Minds (gen jack & reid/ hotchreid)

Loved to the Point of Creation - ATLA (suki/sokka)

Be Careful - Merlin (gen morgana & merlin)

Ten Years - Merlin (gen morgana & merlin/ morgana & gwen)

Good At The Job - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

Knight’s Widow - Merlin (gwencelot)

Open Door - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

Everything For You - Criminal Minds (jemily)

Piccola - Criminal Minds (gen rossi & prentiss)

Forgive Me For All I Could Not Become - Criminal Minds (hotchreid)

everything beautiful is ruined one day - 9-1-1 (buddie)

*accidentally orphaned because i am stupid so there’s two fics with the same name

Arthur and Charlie and Merlin and Peanut Butter the Dog - Merlin (merthur)

700 Days - Supergirl (supercorp)

if y’all like my fics, leave a kudo or a comment

[daffodeela]

My SasuSaku Fics

I wrote a lot of SasuSaku fics in Indonesian and a lot of readers love them! I also won a contest and some awards multiple times for my SasuSaku fics. I set a goal in my Ko-fi and if it’s fulfilled, I’m going to translate my Indonesian SasuSaku fics to English. You can support me if you’re interested! Here’s my Ko-fi. And I also open writing commissions! You can check out the information here.

By the way, this quarantine affects my family’s economic condition badly and I’m in need of money for my medical bills and medication so it would be super appreciated if you support me! Thank you!

Here is the list of my SasuSaku fics and what’s they were about:

beyond words - Soulmate!AU in which people can hear after they meet their soulmate.

The Call - AU. Sakura didn't pick up Sasuke's call multiple times for reasons.

Antara - Sakura's mission was failed. She was hospitalized because she was unconscious and in between life and death. Her spirit came out of her body and saw how everyone reacted regarding her condition, Including Sasuke's. Inspired from If I Stay by Gayle Forman.

Dine Out - Sakura took a dine out and suddenly Sasuke came to fill the empty seat in front of her.

Wanita yang Menatap Lembayung Senja - AU. Sasuke was deeply in love with Sakura. He heard she just parted with her fiance but still dated her because she didn't show any sadness at all.

Caffeine's Effect - Sasuke tried to soothe Sakura to sleep.

Heart on the Cheek - AU. Sasuke hid his feeling for Sakura for years.

the other side of the door - Period time!AU. The night before Sasuke and Sakura got married.

tied up in his shoes - An AU in which the Uchiha massacre happened when Sasuke and Sakura had become chuunin for years. They were dating before it happened.

in time of loss - AU. Sakura was widowed because the plane that her husband, Naruto, took was crashed. Sasuke accompanied Sakura's loneliness and shared their pain since Naruto was his best friend too.

Oke - AU. In which Sasuke had a crush on Sakura and they went for an unplanned date.

Ulang Tahun Pernikahan Kelima - It was Sasuke and Sakura's fifth anniversary and it was the very first time Sakura went through it alone.

[stillxnunpxidintern]

Playtime

My first MadaSaku fic, hopefully I wrote Madara okay. It has off screen consent

Opening the door to the two story house, Sakura could tell something didn’t feel quite how she left it this morning. Instead of worrying about it at that moment Sakura kicked off her heels and instantly felt better as her feet were flat on the plush carpet, what felt great on her aching feet.

Dropping her bag by table by the door, then closed the door properly before locking it, double checking it as Halloween drew closer the more people tended to act out, especially in the area that she lived, even with justus on the widows and doors, it was better safe than sorry, especially now that the Uchiha clan was once again back in Konoha, no thanks to Sasuke messing about with his Rinnegan.

She knew he wasn't trying to bring them back and it was all an accident but she could really do without a few Uchihas, who constantly gave her headaches.

Continue reading

[slbp-secret-cupid]

Splinter

A gift for @fieryanmitsu

Mitsuhide/MC Fic

Rated M for Angst

It should have been an easy choice to make. Laughably so. He was a samurai, he was the right hand of the divine ruler, his light of honour. And he had commanded him to save a clan by bringing its people into the Oda fold by marrying their widowed lady.

Nay, it had not been a choice to begin with. It was a command. It should have been, in theory, an easier task to do. If only it didn’t mean betrayal to her. His one and only. And his last, or so he had intended her to, until just a few days ago. He had forgotten that there had always been a possibility that he cannot make that promise. Because one Akechi Mitsuhide is a samurai under the Oda clan. He had always been bound by duty.

He couldn’t stop to think about that sunny morning when they had inspected what had been their wedding attire. How radiant she had been. And how gently the warmth between them had turned into an intense heat just a moment before his liege lord had barged in and told him that he must marry another.

It should have been easy. He didn’t even have to give her up. He just needed to move her from his central chamber to the side chamber. “A small adjustment,” Nobunaga had said. A small adjustment that his head had agreed to but one that his heart found utterly despicable.

He couldn’t, even if she hadn’t voiced any objections on the matter, he couldn’t in good conscience keep her in his bed while bound to another. He had too much to object about having to live with two beds and split his heart.

And so, in the haze of confusion that hadn’t really cleared to give way to a sound strategy, he had relieved her of the burden to stay by asking her to leave.

Leave his residence, leave his side as his page, leave him behind.

The haze hadn’t dissipated. It had gotten worse. He called Ranmaru with her name. He went home expecting to find her in his kitchen. He praised her for the food he ate only to turn around and find a chambermaid looking back at him with pity. He didn’t deserve pity, he deserved contempt. He would have been glad to receive a few or more punches from Toshiie, who confronted him on behalf of her honor. But no punches came, just more pity from his violet eyes.  

And he kept breaking her heart. He had watched it break when he had dismissed her. The shock and the hurt and the confusion played in a horrible procession on her lovely face. The sorrow marring the smile that used to be so open, the tears she had held back with all her might which he knew would spill forth as soon as she turned away. The crushing effort of maintaining dignity and composure every time they saw each other in the castle.

And he might as well have poured salt on her still bleeding heart that day when she saw the white wedding kimono they had chosen together being carted away for another woman. The cruelty of it all. Self-hatred punched him with such force that he didn’t sleep a wink for the three nights after, throwing himself into his work to escape the guilt.

He collapsed from exhaustion on the third night. But even when he woke up after some sleep and ate some food Ranmaru had almost forced down his throat, he didn’t feel any better.

The next thing he knew he was standing in front of the sakura tree. Its bare branches were beginning to sprout little buds of blossom.

“After our wedding, let’s see the sakura together, as a wife and husband.”

Hadn’t he made that promise? What an utter fool.

He didn’t realize that he had punched the tree until a voice called him back to himself.

“Mitsuhide-sama…?”

He must be hallucinating. The dusk or some petty god must be playing a trick.

But there she was. Standing under the sakura tree, with the same open face and concerned gaze she gave him whenever she sensed something was not right with him.

I miss you.

The thought came unbidden and silent.

But she must have somehow heard it because she extended her hand.

Please.    

Only to drop it short of touching him.

No.

So he reached for her instead.

Please.

She flinched when he touched her.

No.

“Mitsuhide-sama,” she said. “We shouldn’t.”

No, please.

He struggled to make a sound. It was as if his throat was closing. The only sound that managed to pass through it was choked sobs.

Her struggle was weak, so he folded her small frame into his arms. Her familiar form released the coil inside of him and he sobbed in earnest, calling her name, burying his face on the crook of her neck like the smell of her hair and the feel of her skin would save him from bottomless despair.  

And she returned the embrace even as she said, “We can’t, Mitsuhide-sama. We can’t.”

So he kissed her.

And it was but a second when she kissed him back with the same desperation.

“How,” he said between kisses. “How could I ever –”

Betray you? Abandon you? Ask you to leave? The thoughts were all unfinished. And she answered anyway, whispered to his lips.

“It’s for the greater g –“

Greater good. The divine rule. The peace of the realm. He knew, he knew. And he kissed her again because he wanted to forget. He pushed her gently to lean on the tree and shielded her from the world because he wanted to forget. He wanted to choose to be selfish. For once.

He cupped her face. “I want you and no one else.” Consequences be damned. “If you’d allow me.”

She sobbed. Eyes wet and lips swollen she said, “Always.”

Their coupling against the sakura tree was violent. Mitsuhide had never been one to hold back in bed, and she too had always responded in kind. But there had always been a ceremonial element to their bedtime together, a gentle and playful tease before the shedding of all layers that separated their bodies – formality, class, clothes, shame. That element was missing now.

Neither of them took their clothes off. His hands took their hold on her hips beneath her pale pink kimono, sliding down to grab her rear and hoist her up against the tree. She gripped his shoulder with one hand and his hair with the other. Holding her in position by pressing their bodies together, he shoved his fundoshi out of the way. When he did the same for her, he nearly ripped apart her underskirt.

His fingers found her wet between the legs. She moaned when he caressed her there, just the way she liked it. He buried his face on her bosom, kissing, apologizing and worshipping her. Then he was inside her and he felt whole in the loss of all thoughts but her name and her pleasure.

He came first. The climax ambushed him, had him shuddering against her while she clung to him, flushed and panting. He didn’t stop, if anything his climax spurred him on. He gently laid her down between the tree’s roots and continued, with his hands and his mouth, until she shuddered against him.

Afterwards he bared his chest and kept her in arms, feeling her skin. And everything became clear.

“If there’s one thing I cannot give up, it’s you,” he told her. “I will find a way for Echizen, one where I can keep my promise to you.”

“I love you,” she replied. “I always will.”

***

Even with his priority sorted, the Echizen affair didn’t get any easier to crack. Nobunaga had been right, marrying the widow would have been the quickest way to claim legitimacy and possibility convert key players of the rebellion to their side. But that options way out of the questions.

He would be selfish, for once. And place the promise he had made to his one true love above all else. Aren’t that what people in power sometimes do? What Nobunaga sometimes does? Just this once.

And so he’s drafting what would be his most detestable battle tactics. He would burn their villages to the ground. Cleanse the field, flush the rebel rats out, and robbing people out of their homes. He would send a warning first, let the civilians evacuate. But even with such warnings, he knew there would be casualties. Innocent lives lost.

But hasn’t that always been the cost of the divine rule? He reasoned again.  

He tried to hide his conflicted feelings from her. He didn’t want to burden her just as he had just begun to restore her to her rightful place by his side and heal the wounds he had caused her. But she always knew if something wasn’t right with him.

She had never been one to pry. She nourished and nursed.

“Does it bother you?” She asked one night when she brought him tea.

For a split second he thought he thought she knew about his dreadful plan.

Then she took his hand and caressed the bump on the index finger, where a wood splinter had lodged itself under his skin.

“Hardly,” he said. Most days he even forgot about them.

“I should ask the new healer to tend to this. She’s good,” she said.

“I will,” he said. He fully knew he would not have the time.

She refused to budge. Evidently the questioning was only the opening of a more serious conversation. And he could see in on her face the moment she decided to drop all pretense and speak what she had meant to.

“Mitsuhide-sama. I will always love you even if I must share you with your duty.”

“Darling – ” he started. But she talked over him.

“I will shoulder any burden of duty that you carry.”

Of course she would always accommodate him, leaving an opening for him to make everything easier. But Akechi Mitsuhide had decided to be selfish, for once.

He cupped her face, like he had done that fateful night under the sakura tree, his index finger throbbed from the splinter. “I know, my darling, thank you,” he said. The gentlest of a dismissal.  

***

Her voice, reading the letter, played inside his head as soon as he rushed out from the room.

Lord Akechi Mitsuhide,

He had gone home that day exhausted but hopeful. The logistics for Echizen had been approved. Nobunaga had remained skeptical but signed his plan after merely raising his eyebrows, no doubt still thinking him the fool.

My love, forgive me.

She was not in the kitchen. Nor the study. Nor the bedchamber. And there was a letter on his desk. He immediately recognized it as her writing.

Forgive me for the wound I am causing you. For the burden of love that I have heaped upon you.

The ink had dried, and there was no sign of writing instruments on his desk.

And thank you. Thank you for the gift and the honour of your love.

He searched the house frantically, throwing open her wardrobe in the hopes of seeing them empty.

You are the light of honor of this clan. I trust you to always, in your heart of heart, know what is right.  

Everything was in place. Everything but the white wedding robe. Giving back the shiromuku to her, its rightful owner, had been the first thing he arranged after she brought her back from their separation

I believe in you. The clan believes in you. Soon, too the people of Echizen will believe in you. The people whose lives and happiness need not suffer because of the promise you made to a mere commoner.

The shiromuku, adorned in the bellflowers of his sigil, had hung in her chamber ever since. It was missing.

As you are bound by duty for the divine rule, I too must play my part.  

The fact only added to his confusion as he yelled out a command for his people to search for her.

Perhaps in another life, we will be free to keep our promises.

 “Your Lady is missing!”

This is a farewell.

“Find her!”

I hope you will be able to find it your heart to forgive me someday, and remember me fondly.”

“FIND HER!”

Yours, always.

***

They found the shiromuku in the lake, a few days after. It had turned murky green when they fished it out and brought it to him, the pristine white contaminated by mud and algae.

His mind, already reduced to a broken thing that could only process what had been written in her letter, went blank.

Nobunaga sighed. And called both of them a fool. And ordered a new shiromuku to be sent to the noble Echizen Lady.

“What else could you do, Mitsuhide? Carry on with your duty.”

For once, he had decided to be selfish and look at what had come out of it. He balled his fist so hard that he could feel the stubborn splinter on his index finger throbbing again. Picking at the calloused finger, he wondered why the divine rule was worthy of all this. If Nobunaga was worthy of all this.

He wondered what it would be like to be selfish and declare an open rebellion himself. To splinter away from the Oda clan, to challenge Nobunaga and claim the divine rule for himself.

He wondered because he couldn’t bear to think of his empty home. Of his unlit hearth. Of his silent study. Of his cold bed. Of the woman in shiromuku to whom he would make promises in a few months. Of long, tortuous days ahead where he has to live with himself wondering if there anything he could have done to prevent all this.

He wondered.

***

“This is what you really want?”

“Yes, Milord.”

“This will kill him.”

“I believe he will survive.”

“He will hate me. For which I am used to. But he might hate you too.”

“If that’s the burden I must take to free him for his duty then I am prepared.”

“Fools, the both of you! You could live with it had either one, just either one of you make a compromise.”

“I am relieving him the burden of compromising, Milord.”

“And costing me a chef and possibly a retainer too mind you! You’ve changed him and I was actually glad that has a woman and be selfish for once in his damn life but apparently, I have overestimated his judgment. That fool! He could have easily made peace with his duty, have a noble heir and a family with you on his side chamber!”

“I beg your forgiveness.”

“I would kill you myself, foolish girl, if it would not be a waste of time since you have decidedly to off yourself without anyone’s permission.”

***

“Milady, you must eat.”

She turned slowly to look at her, and then the tray she had placed in front of her a while ago.”

“Don’t call me that. I am not a noble you know… You know my name.” she managed a smile.

The healer pinked a little and called her by her name. The wrong name.

“My new name. Please”

She turned red. “I-I-I’m sorry!” she stammered and corrected herself.

She gave her a smile.

But the healer would not back down. “You know I can’t chop vegetable as well as you do, but I promise it tastes alright.”

She hadn’t even noticed. She glanced at her bowl and laughed a little. “I am sure it’s alright, thank you.”

That didn’t convince her either. She even scooted closer. And gently took her wrist.

“Milady,” she said, already forgetting the last thing she told her, “You are expecting. You must take care of yourself.”

The information barely registered before Sakutaro, one of Nobunaga’s young retainer, strode in to check on them.

“Is everything alright?”

The healer looked up at him and nodded. “Milady just needed more time.”

“It’s still a long way to Oshu, so you better take all you can right now…” Sakutaro said.

“I know,” said the healer. She noticed that the two were having an unspoken conversation with their eyes. If it weren’t for the information the healer just told her, she would have remarked that the two were lovers with a little bit of envy.

But she was expecting.

She grabbed the healer’s hand after Sakutaro left the room. “What you just said… Are you sure?”

The healer’s eyes went wide as she realized that she had just told something that she didn’t know herself.

“Yes, Milady.”

And she cried in her arms.

***

***

***

@fieryanmitsu Happy (belated) Valentine! I’m sorry for the delay.

:D Actually the Venn diagram of our fave lords overlaps at Nobuyuki but your first choice was Mitsuhide and even though he wasn’t in my top fave, I have been wanting to write something about him for a while ever since his angsty Bonds of Love/Divine Beloved events where Nobunaga (the ultimate Jerk Boss) ordered him to marry some widowed noble lady, and voila you just gave me the occasion.

I hope you enjoyed the angst! I hesitated for a bit because Valentine’s a fluffy occasion but thank god you listed that you don’t mind angst hurhurhurhur. The starting premise was just Mitsuhide having a sloppy sex with MC under the sakura tree buuuuutttt I couldn’t resist the siren song of a plot.

So here you go!  

hugs and kisses

@quincette

[southsidestory]

🌹😊

Thanks so much for the ask @kuppincakes!

From Chapter 1 of A Woman’s Work (aka widow!Sakura fic)

This isn’t the first time that Sakura has been used like a broodmare. Her uncle sold her to Hyuuga Hiashi six years ago, sealing the alliance between their clans with her maiden’s blood. Now Hiashi is dead, and Uncle is selling her again. She doesn’t have any maiden’s blood left to give, but apparently her name and proof of her fertility are valuable enough for her new Uchiha husband to overlook that.

for every “🌹” received in my inbox i’ll post one random sentence or whole damn scene of a random WIP i’m currently writing

[artificialqueens]

Behind the Scenes, Chapter 1 (Jan x Jackie/low-key Jan x everyone) - Chaoticnachokitten

A/N: Heyy, I'm back^-^

First of all, thank you to Magic Mullet for betaing. Special thanks to @germanottachachki for helping me with basically everything as I haven't watched season 12 yet. I couldn't have written it without you🙈

I know, press week day 2 has been done before (please go check out those amazing fics!!), but I am in no way trying to copy anyone. I just love writing sickfics too much and couldn’t resist.

TW for vomiting

Lastly, please let me know if you want a part two^-^ (or, technically part three since part one is too long to submit it in one piece)

BEEP, BEEP!

Jan woke up to the worst sound known to humankind at 6am after two hours (that felt like two minutes) of sleep. Her alarm clock. It, of course didn’t sound any different than usual, but to Jan it sounded ear piercingly loud, and didn’t help the pounding headache that was slowly beginning to form behind her temples. Turning off the man-made demon with a groan, she decided that she already felt strongly negative about the day, and it hadn’t even started yet. Those feelings were rare for her, usually she was someone with a lot of positive energy, even in the morning.

And why was she feeling that way? The day prior had been great, the first day of press week. Being able to talk to all of her sisters again in person had been amazing, just like being able to show herself to the world and all of the new fans, making sure her first impression was positive and flawless. The day had been going great. Jan had felt ecstatic. They had wrapped up the filming for the day, and the girls had decided to go back to their respective hotel rooms early in order to be well rested for the second day. And that had been the plan until she had started to feel bad.

At first it had been just a bit of a stomach ache that she managed to ignore (probably thanks to the leftover adrenaline) in order to finish her night time routine. However, by the time it was 10pm she was kneeling in front of the toilet, anxiously waiting for the inevitable to happen. It did, and it was incredibly painful, leaving her with a burning throat, breathing heavily, trying to hold back her tears in order to keep her eyes from getting puffy, still wanting to look as perfect as possible the following day.

After successfully, albeit with difficulty, blinking away the ones that had threatened to spill over, Jan briefly thought about telling one of her sisters about it (Jackie’s room happened to be right next to hers) as she didn’t feel better at all, even after vomiting. She didn’t want to be alone, but quickly dismissed that idea. She didn’t want to be a bother and rob the others of their much needed sleep, she could take care of herself, and maybe it just happened to be a one time thing that would go away soon.

Oh, how wrong she had been about that. Not even an hour after she had managed to weakly stumble back to bed, immediately falling asleep, she was woken up by a sharp, stabbing pain in her stomach. Before she even had the chance to comprehend what exactly was going on, she felt an overwhelmingly intense wave of nausea, and the next thing she knew was that she was sprinting to the bathroom like her life depended on it, determined not to ruin her beautiful, clean room.

This cycle had continued in hourly intervals, and finally stopped at 4 am with Jan laying in her bed, feeling absolutely drained, exhausted and so, so cold. Her entire body hurt, and she felt like she couldn’t move, partly due to exhaustion, and partly because she was convinced that every tiny bit of movement could trigger a new throwing up session, which was the last thing she wanted. Luckily, the exhaustion took over within minutes, and she was able to go to sleep, escaping her pain.

Jan dragged herself out of bed, trying to go as slow as her schedule allowed. The nausea was still there, but faint enough not to be a huge concern. However, when Jan attempted to walk into the bathroom, black dots were clouding her vision, making her head spin, and she had to sit back down for a minute before they finally disappeared.

“Jesus, I look terrible!” Jan exclaimed in complete and utter shock after looking in the mirror. Sure, she had expected not to look 100% in the morning, but she hadn’t thought it would be that awful. Pale skin to the point where her usual makeup might actually be too dark for her complexion, eyes that had still decided to be puffy, almost purple shadows under her eyes, and cracked lips. At least her voice still sounded surprisingly normal, although talking felt like swallowing knives, but concealing last night’s events with makeup would be an incredibly complex and time consuming task, and she had to do all of that in a fairly short time.

The girls were expected to be basically finished after breakfast. With a sigh, she changed into whatever clothes looked somewhat presentable (it didn’t matter because she would change into her actual outfit after breakfast anyway), brushed her teeth, showered, and did her skincare routine. Once all of that was done, she started applying her makeup. She was going for a more spooky look for once to show the fans how versatile she was, dark eyeshadow and nude lips, that would be completed later on with white contacts. The process was taking longer than her usual two hours, simply because she was incredibly tired and therefore had to focus a lot more on not messing up anything, determined not to create anything less than perfect. She didn’t want to seem lazy after all.

When Jan was about to put on her lashes, she heard a knock on the door.

“Hey Jan, it’s Jackie. Are you almost ready, should I wait for you? Do you need help with anything?”

Jan smiled to herself. Jackie was sweet. Sweet and caring.

“No, it’s fine, go ahead and grab yourself some breakfast before there’s nothing left. You know how the others are.”

She heard Jackie chuckle. “You sure? Alright, see you in a minute then, I’ll make sure to save a seat for you!”

“Okay, thank you!” Jan replied before resuming to glue on her lashes. She could have done them after the contacts as well, but she had a feeling that that would be a bad idea.

Her lashes went on smoothly after the first try on both eyes. Afterwards she looked at the white contacts. She almost didn’t want to put them in at all, knowing that she would end up with a killer headache, but then again, she already had one already anyway, so it didn’t really matter. Besides, she couldn’t change her look anymore because her face was already beat.

Putting the contacts in was successful too, but she immediately regretted them as soon as the first one was in. Her vision wasn’t great to begin with, but now she could basically see nothing anymore, only straining her eyes to the extreme helped her not to bump into too many things as she tried to find her way to the secluded area in the dining hall that was there especially for the season 12 queens, they even had their own small buffet. She forced a smile on her face in order not to raise any suspicion or concern from the other girls. The sight and smell of food alone made her feel slightly sick.

Once she had reached the table, she was greeted by tired “Hey Jan” ‘s, and one cheerful “Hi Janice!” Rock seemed to have the most energy already. Jan greeted them back and tried to sound as enthusiastic as her usual bubbly persona. Jackie gently smiled at Jan and gestured for her to sit next to her. Before she could do so, Brita asked her to come to her, wanting to see Jan’s contacts up close.

“Wow, those are some great contacts, Jan. Kind of spooky, I like it. And the best thing is that even if they move they won’t look crooked.” Aiden seemed to take this as a read, referencing the frozen runway. She was too tired to say anything, so she just glanced at Brita for a moment before her eyes almost fluttered shut again.

Jan chuckled slightly, secretly hoping the conversation would be over soon as Brita was simply too loud for her today.

“Thank you, I can’t really tell how they look. In fact I can’t see anything with them..”

Brita just shook her head, laughing softly.

Jan walked back and sat down between Jackie and Heidi. She took a look at the rest of the girls. Everyone had their face at least almost done, and it all looked a tiny bit odd, completely done faces and casual clothes. Jan noticed Nicky gently waking up Aiden every couple of minutes, keeping Aiden’s makeup from getting ruined by the plate with food in front of her. It made her chuckle slightly, she was glad she wasn’t the only one who could barely keep her eyes open. Then she thought about all the things they would film today.

Yesterday she had been ecstatic about press week, but now she just wanted it to be over already. She desperately hoped they didn’t have anything planned that would involve crazy movements like dancing or death dropping as she was almost convinced her still sensitive stomach would not be able to handle that…

Jan was pulled back to reality by Jackie, who gently tapped her on her arm to get Jan’s attention. Jackie’s expression was confused and slightly worried.

“Hey there Jan, are you okay? I just asked you something.” Jackie’s voice was gentle and caring. Jan was secretly grateful to sit specifically next to her, and not anyone loud like Brita or Rock. The latter was sitting on the opposite side of the table and still so loud, trying to make conversation with a half asleep Jaida, who just managed to nod along.

Jan looked apologetic. “Sorry Jackie, I must have zoned out for a minute there. What is it?”

“No need to apologize love, we're all tired. But you should probably eat something now, we don’t have that much time left, and you’ll need your strength, it’s going to be a long day.”

Jan shook her head. “I’m not really hungry, kind of nervous about the day today..” It technically wasn’t a lie, just a part left out.

Jackie now looked really concerned as Jan hadn’t been this nervous yesterday, and nothing had really happened that would give her any reason to suddenly feel that way.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jan quickly responded with a quiet “No, but thank you, I appreciate it.” Jackie decided to accept it for now.

Heidi, who had been silent until this point, clearly still tired, joined in on their conversation.

“Jackie’s right, you should really eat, otherwise you’ll have to go hours without food, and that’s really bad” she added, equally concerned.

Jan still didn’t look convinced, so Jackie tried one last method. “Please? Just a little bit, for me?”

Jan smiled at her, looking kind of sad and guilty. Jackie felt bad about having asked that way now, and gave Jan a quick hug.

“Sorry baby, it’s still your decision of course, if you can’t eat right now, you can’t, that’s okay. But..” Jackie got up and returned moments later, a glass of water in her hand. She put it in front of Jan.

“Here, at least drink something, please baby.”

Jan knew she couldn’t really refuse without telling the actual truth, so she forced another smile onto her face.

“Thank you, but you didn’t have to go through the trouble..”

Jackie interrupted her. “Trouble? What kind of trouble?”

She was generally confused. Jan must really be nervous today.

Jan shook her head again. “Sorry. Thanks again.”

She proceeded to take a few small sips before putting the glass down. When Jackie raised an eyebrow at that, she forced herself to finish it. Jackie seemed to be pleased afterwards and even offered a gentle “Well done”, probably already sensing that something was wrong, but at the same time she didn’t want to force Jan to talk about something she wasn’t ready to talk about yet. Instead she just proceeded to hug her again, longer this time. Listening closely, a tiny, almost pained sound could be heard. Jackie made a mental note to keep a very close eye on Jan today.

Soon after that, they only had half an hour left to get ready before they were all expected to wait in the lobby for the van that was going to pick them up. Since Jackie had noticed how much Jan had struggled with not walking into things, thanks to the white contacts, she had offered to hold Jan’s hand in order to guide her safely back to her room. Jan, of course, had accepted the nice offer, not wanting to add any more bruises that she would have to cover up with tons of concealer. However, the minute she got up, her body reminded her of the water that apparently had been too much for it to handle.

The walk back to her room was painfully slow to her, Jan tensed up, face feeling hot, head pounding, trying to breathe as calmly as possible to delay the inevitable for as long as possible, at least until she was alone. Jackie thankfully didn’t try to make conversation, making everything easier.

Once they had reached their destination, Jan muttered a “thank you” before quickly unlocking her door, closing it behind her, and running into the bathroom.  

She turned on the sink so any noise would be masked before opening the toilet lid with in a panicked manner, barely bending over it before she felt the water and acid coming back up. The sensation only lasted for a couple of seconds, perhaps a minute, but it made her insides hurt and burn so bad she wanted to lay on the floor and cry, but of course she couldn’t do that. In fact, she needed to get ready now, otherwise she would be late, making everyone else wait for her, and that was the last thing she wanted.

She fixed her now slightly messed up lip stick with lightening speed before tucking, putting on her look for the day and adding the accessories to complete her look. She looked in the mirror one last time, impressed with her own work. No one would be able to tell how crappy she was actually feeling.

When she heard another knock, she went to open the door this time. Sure enough, it was Jackie again, looking absolutely stunning like usual. Jan immediately complimented her, of course the compliment was returned and they walked to the lobby together, holding hands again. This time Jan casually asked Jackie something about her makeup technique, trying to pretend she was feeling better, not wanting to concern the older queen any further. Despite feeling awful she was feeling, she managed to listen, nod, smile and even give good responses. But they both knew Jackie wasn’t fooled that easily.

They met the other girls in the lobby, everyone seemed to be awake by now, a light conversation was going on. The van would arrive in a couple of minutes, so the conversation just carried on casually.

While Jan didn’t engage in it a whole lot, trying to save some of her energy, she really enjoyed moments like those, sickness aside. All of the girls smiling and laughing reminded Jan again of how lucky she was to be in this season with all of those amazing queens who not only were incredibly talented but also happened to be amazing human beings. She loved all of them so much. Even with the occasional fighting between some queens (read: Brita and Aiden) they were still sisters at the end of the day and only wanted the best for each other.

“Jan, are you okay? You’re so quiet today..” Jaida put a hand on Jan’s shoulder.  

“It’s all going to be fine, everyone will love you as much as we do, I promise. You’re the last person that has to be nervous about your first impression. Okay?”

Jan was about to answer when Nicky suddenly exclaimed “Guys, the van is here, hurry up!”

The van thankfully was big enough for all of them to fit in with no problem, even Rock's huge tea-set-on-a-wig-construction and the huge amount of makeup supplies for the sake of retouching. The ride to the place where everything would be filmed was going pretty uneventful, Jan sat between Rock and Jackie. Rock tried to cheer Jan up by showing her the collection of all the memes from their season she had created.

While Jan appreciated her efforts, squinting hard enough to see what the other girl was trying to show her on the small, way too bright screen didn’t do the pounding headache any favors. Still, she laughed at practically every meme, seeing how happy it seemed to make Rock.

Jackie, on the other hand, silently comforted Jan by taking her hand, gently tracing random patterns all over the soft skin.

Gigi and Crystal were doing their almost ceremony like fruit snack thing while the other queens were having a light conversation, talking about whatever was on their minds. Suddenly, however the topic had apparently shifted to something more serious, because Aiden and Brita started fighting once again.

Jan desperately wished she had the shade button with her to lighten back up the mood, or at least the energy to somehow break up the fight. While she hated seeing her sisters fight like that, she mostly wanted them to stop because they were getting too loud.

The others did their best to handle the situation, but neither Aiden nor Brita was really willing to talk it out. Everyone was now talking over each other, and suddenly it was too much for Jan and her head to deal with. Everything was too loud. She let out a soft pained sound before frantically pulling away her hands from Jackie in order to cover her ears.

Widow noticed it, and then gave both Aiden and Brita a gentle tap on the shoulder to get their attention before simply pointing to Jan. They were both shocked, they had never seen Jan act like this. She almost looked like she was about to cry. They quickly agreed on not continuing to fight for now for Jan’s (and everyone else’s sake) before frantically apologizing to Jan, who smiled at them with a somewhat pained expression she tried to mask.

“It’s alright, but I really don’t like seeing you fight like this.” Everyone else strongly agreed with that. At this point they were basically family and they all wanted the best for each other.

Jackie waited until everyone else’s attention was back to the now much more forced friendly conversation (and Rock's on her phone, creating a meme out of a picture of something she had just taken), before asking Jan “What’s wrong baby? Where does it hurt?”

Jan really didn’t want to worry anyone, so she just responded with a “I’m fine, they were just getting a tiny bit too loud and I wanted them to stop.”

When Jackie didn’t look convinced whatsoever, she added “Really, I’m just a bit sensitive today, I didn��t sleep enough yesterday, so that’s probably why.”

Jackie sighed a bit, pulling Jan close, muttering a “I wish you would just tell me what’s wrong" under her breath, but Jan didn’t seem to have heard it.

“Okay here’s the plan. Just close your eyes and relax for a bit, we have about 15 minutes left before we’re there.”

Jan, still in Jackie’s embrace, tried to get as comfortable as possible, which wasn’t that easy because the stomach pain was getting stronger once again, but she managed not to show it in any way, and closed her eyes.

By the time they had reached the filming location, Jan at least didn’t feel worse. She was convinced she could power through the day if she just tried hard enough. As soon as the queens entered the building, they all had their pictures taken, and afterwards the production team began preparing them for their first interview, securing microphones on them, which meant they weren’t really able to talk before the interview.

The interview went extremely well, although it was a lot more draining compared to yesterday for Jan. She had to be extremely careful not to show any signs of discomfort or pain, which had been absolute torture.

By the end she had even started to feel sick, which led to her essentially running to the bathroom as soon as the producers announced their ten minute break, tripping and almost falling twice in the process.

In the bathroom Jan started dry heaving for about two minutes before more acid made its way back up. Jan wanted to scream, she was in such a great pain. She felt tears pricking in the corner of her eyes, but blinked them away as well. Her stomach was cramping violently and her head was pounding so hard she was sure it would explode sooner or later. She let herself sink to the ground, at least the floor was pretty clean, but even if hadn’t been she wouldn’t have been able to bring herself to care.

Meanwhile Jackie wondered what could possibly wrong with the younger queen. She had been acting weird for the entire day, excluding the interview. Something was so clearly wrong with her, but Jan just didn’t seem to want to talk about it, and Jackie didn’t want to force her to do so either. And since Jan had been acting like usual in the interview, maybe it wasn’t anything to seriously worry about. At least that’s what Jackie told herself to remain calm and collected.

Widow's voice interrupted her thoughts.

“I’m sure she’s doing alright, you know Jan and her constant need to go to the bathroom. And if she’s not, we'll find out sooner or later.”

“You’re right, thanks Widow.”

“I’m always right.”

Despite Widow’s words, Jackie got even more suspicious when Jan came back from the bathroom, immediately fixing her nude lipstick. What has she been doing in there?

Jackie decided enough was enough, she walked up to Jan’s vanity to ask her about it, when the producers announced the end of their break and they had to film something else that started to blur with all of the stuff they had filmed the day prior.

When they were done with filming, and everyone was already leaving to go and relax for a bit before the next thing, they were called back. There had been some problems with the audio and they ended up having to film everything once more.

By the end everyone was mildly annoyed, but not enough to show it, at least not on camera. However, they were running late now, which meant some of their breaks were canceled , and the ones they had were cut in half. Jackie didn’t get the chance to talk to Jan until lunch as the younger girl had spent the one break before lunch exclusively in the bathroom, and Jackie didn’t want to interrupt her privacy by walking in. The other girls had joked about Jan and how she was trying to avoid them, but Jackie was worried.

Her worry proved to be right as Jan, who looked worryingly exhausted at this point, such a contrast to her usual, bubbly self, told the other girls she would join them in a couple of minutes.

Her excuse was something about having to fix her highlighter which she had apparently accidentally smudged and she was worried she’d forget about it after eating. Nicky had offered to fix her makeup for her, Jackie had offered to wait for Jan once more, but Jan had politely declined. However, when Jan didn’t show up to their table about 20 minutes later (their lunch break was shortened to only half an hour), Jackie, Heidi, Nicky and Rock, all now equally concerned, decided to get Jan themselves.

They found her somewhat peacefully asleep in front of her vanity. Rock immediately got out her phone and took a few pictures to add them to her meme collection.

Nicky shook her head in disbelief.

“Rock, stop that right now. Leave her alone.” Realizing her mistake as Rock grinned and opened her mouth, Nicky quickly added “Don’t you dare say it.”

Rock's grin only grew at that. “She’s clearly bothered.”

Nicky groaned, and Heidi chuckled. “I should start charging you for using my phrases..I’d be rich by the end of this week!”

Jackie walked up to Jan to take a closer look at her. The girl looked so innocent, but so, so exhausted at the same time. She almost looked..sick? Could that be it? Looking up closely Jackie could even see the faintest bit of red cheeks under all of the heavy makeup that wouldn’t show up on camera though. She was hesitant to touch Jan’s face, not wanting to ruin her perfectly applied makeup, but at the same time she needed clarity.

“Guys, something is wrong with her. I think she’s sick. It kind of looks like she has a fever.”

Nicky gasped. “Oh no, mon pauvre ange! Check for one then!” Rock nodded, unsure what to do, feeling completely useless. Heidi sensed how Rock was feeling, and gently proceeded to pat her on the shoulder, hoping to offer some kind of comfort.

Before Jackie could do or say anything, Nicky added “I’ll fix her makeup if it gets messed up, no problem.”

Jackie offered Nicky a grateful smile before reaching out to touch Jan’s forehead and cheeks as gently as possible, but enough to get an actual result. They both felt too hot.

What concerned Jackie most was that the younger queen’s face was still completely dry. She looked back to Nicky, Heidi and Rock, sadly nodding to answer the unspoken question. Nicky grabbed a nearby fan, which happened to be black with the word ‘shade' written in white, huge letters on it, and started fanning Jan’s face to cool her down.

“What are we going to do now?” Rock asked, looking sad and helpless, her usual chaotic energy had completely vanished and instead been replaced with concern.

Jackie wanted to get Rock out of that situation, so she asked her for a favor.

“Rock, I need you to do something very important now. As we can all see, she needs a bit more rest, and our break is about to be over.” Rock nodded, waiting and Jackie continued.

“I need you to convince Dahlia to talk to the producers about break time. I think we'll be most successful if she does the talking.”

Rock hastily agreed and ran off to talk to Dahlia. Once she was gone, Jackie gently took Jan’s hand, to, although she really didn’t want to, check something important. She pinched the back of Jan’s hand, which woke up the younger girl. Jan started freaking out, unsure of where she was. She seemed to remember only a few seconds later though.

“Why’d you pinch me?” she asked part sad, part hurt and part tired. Nicky was confused as well. She put her fan down after seeing that Jan was slightly shivering.

Jackie felt extremely guilty for waking up the poor girl when she very clearly needed any rest she could get.

“I’m so, so sorry Jan, I needed to check something.” Jan was about to ask what, when Jackie gently lifted up Jan’s arm so she could look at her hand.

“See that? The skin isn’t snapping back into place like it should. You’re completely dehydrated, and that is very dangerous. I need you to drink something immediately, and then please tell me what has been going on with you today, okay baby?”

Jan just managed to nod weakly, not wanting make a bigger deal out of it. She didn’t want to put anything into her body anymore though, the consequences were just not worth the pain.

“I’m gonna get you some water, I’ll be right back" Heidi announced, essentially running to get said item as soon as possible, not even leaving Jan the chance to thank her.

The other girls came back from their lunch. They had been casually talking to each other, but fell silent as soon as they saw Jan, and the other two queens trying to help her. Heidi managed to come back and give Jackie a water bottle before all of the other girls (save for Rock and Dahlia who decided it would be best to give Jan some space)were crowding around Jan, deep concern visible on their faces. No one dared to say anything though.

Jackie’s attention was still completely on Jan, who looked at the water like it was some kind of poison when Jackie held it out for her. Jan shook her head, almost looking scared.

“I can’t..I don’t want to..”

Jackie was extremely confused now.

“Jan baby, you need to. It’s just water, it’s not going to hurt you.”

Jan whimpered. “I don’t want to throw up..again.” Then, another shot of pain pierced her skull, making Jan almost cry because she couldn’t even touch her face to make it better.

Jackie looked slightly alarmed now, as much as she wanted to keep her cool. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around Jan in a protective way. Jan immediately held onto her for dear life. Jackie could feel Jan’s unnatural heat, as well as the shaking from the younger girl.

“Are you cold?” Jackie almost whispered. For some reason she felt like talking too loudly would burst the little safe bubble the two of them had in that very moment.

Jan was so focused on being held by Jackie she didn’t even seem to acknowledge her surroundings (especially the crowd of the rest of the girls) anymore. Jackie felt Jan’s head moving in a nodding motion against her shoulder. Jaida left and returned with a blanket what seemed like seconds later. Carefully, she put it around Jan without having to separate her from Jackie. It was a bit difficult, but she managed to do it.

Eventually they broke the hug, and Jackie finally had the opportunity to ask.

“What do you mean, ‘again'?”

Jan just decided to give in and be honest. There was no point in pretending to be alright anymore, everyone knew something was off with her already.

“I've been throwing up since 10pm last night..almost every hour..”

The other girls were shocked, they hadn’t suspected anything that severe. A few gaps could be heard.

Before Jackie could respond, Crystal did.

“Why didn’t you tell us? We’re basically family, we love you, we could have helped you..why did you keep that to yourself? Oh my god Jan you must feel so horrible and we still have to film so much an-"

Crystal's voice had started to shake dangerously and by the end she even started tearing up. Jan opened her arms as quickly as she could and the two hugged. This, however seemed to make Crystal even more emotional. To prevent her from crying, Gigi had grabbed her to gently pull Crystal away from Jan, but not before telling Jan to feel better soon.

Widow used the opportunity to kindly request everyone besides Jackie and Nicky to give Jan some space, crowding her was probably the last thing she needed, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Widow wanted to say one last thing to Jan before leaving her alone.

“Crystal’s right though, you should have told us. We all love you so much, Jan.”

“I love you too, all of you” Jan whispered, suddenly feeling even weaker than before. Her cheeks were burning.

Once the girls had returned to their own vanities (now everyone, including Brita and Aiden, who had made up for the moment, was talking as quietly as possible as to not make Jan’s headache any worse), Jackie tried to talk Jan into drinking some water, but she was reluctant. Eventually Jan agreed, not wanting to be a bother.

Only a few seconds after agreeing she felt Jackie put one hand on the back of her head, while using the other one to hold a water bottle to Jan’s chapped, painted lips, helping her drink a couple of sips. They had to stop quickly though, Jan had felt nauseous again after only the first one.

Jackie noticed all little leftover color on Jan’s face drain. Nicky seemed to have noticed it too, so she started quietly talking about whatever she could think of to distract Jan. It seemed to work for a short while, but then Jan started to fidget nervously, trying to fight the by now familiar nausea which seemed to be getting more and more intense by the second.

When she couldn’t take the terrible feeling anymore, she tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but her attempt was quickly stopped. Her legs gave out the second she tried to stand up.

Before she could fall though, Jackie and Nicky caught her, holding her up on either side.

“Bathroom?” Nicky asked softly, her beautiful voice laced with concern.

Jan could only manage to give her a slight nod before she started unproductive gagging. Jackie quickly proceeded to pick up Jan, who was desperately covering her mouth in order to keep herself from vomiting, and carried her to the nearest bathroom as fast as she could. Nicky decided to follow them, sensing they might need some more help.

By the time she had arrived in the bathroom, Jan was already hunched over the toilet, dry heaving with tiny pained whimpers in between. Jackie was doing her best to remain calm, holding up the younger queen too keep her from falling forward and talking to her in a hushed voice. Nicky quickly crouched next to Jan, keeping the wig out of Jan’s face while gently rubbing her back with the other one.

Jan was trying not to cry. At this point she just wanted to curl up in her nice hotel bed and cry until she felt better, but that obviously wasn’t happening. Then she reminded herself of how lucky she was, having the opportunity and platform to show herself to the world, something other, lesser known queens would probably kill for. She could endure a bit more pain, at this point she needed to proof to herself that she was worthy of being part of the s12 cast.

Nicky, who had somehow sensed Jan’s inner conflict, sighed and gently shook her head.

“Jan, mon amour, stop thinking and cry if you need to. I’m sure letting out your emotions is going to make you feel better.”

Jan just weakly gestured to her perfectly beat face. Nicky shrugged, apparently not thinking that this was a valid reason not do what she had just told Jan.

“It’s okay, I promise I’ll fix everything that gets messed up, hell, I’ll even repaint your whole face if it’s necessary. And now, come on, bottling up emotions isn’t good.”

Jan just couldn’t deal with the pain shooting through her entire body and the exhaustion anymore, so she decided to give in. She let out a quiet whimper, and before she could stop anything, the tears and sobs just started and refused to stop.

Jackie and Nicky held and comforted her through everything, gently telling her everything was going to be okay, wiping away the tears, and reminding her how much everyone loved her, how strong she was for allowing herself to cry.

Jan felt safe and loved, so she decided that showing vulnerability to her sisters wasn’t a terrible thing. In fact, being able to stop pretending to be okay took away a lot of pressure she had been feeling throughout the entire day. She felt like in this moment, they all connected on another level of deep, blind trust.

Everything had been okay, but that precious bonding moment was quickly overshadowed by another wave of immeasurable worry. Jackie and Nicky tried to help Jan back up into a standing position, intending to get her out of the bathroom into the prettier dressing room, but neither of them expected the following to happen.

Jan had to suppress a scream of pure agony when she tried to stand up straight, feeling her insides hurt like someone was stabbing her with a burning hot knife. The feeling was unbearable, and her eyes turned glassy once again.

Nicky started to completely freak out, anxiously shrieking in French while Jackie was visibly struggling to keep up her calm, collected façade. She gently sat Jan down on the now closed toilet seat, needing to focus on Nicky for the moment as she looked like she was about to have a panic attack, as well as trying to prevent her from making Jan’s headache even worse with her shrieking. Jackie put both of her hands on Nicky’s shoulders, hoping it would calm her down.

“Nicky, listen baby. I need you to calm down a bit. Can you do that for me?”

Nicky nodded, and took a few deep breaths, but didn’t say anything.

“Okay, good. Well done. I need you to ask everyone whether they have painkillers, including the production team. If they do not, tell Dahlia to put her pettiness to good use to get someone to buy some.”

Nicky quickly nodded, and basically ran out of the room to get said items as soon as possible. Jackie turned her attention back to Jan, who had her eyes forcefully closed, suppressing pained whimpering. Jackie was about to ask her what exactly was wrong when Nicky stormed back in.

“I got some painkillers, but we need to be ready for the next interview in five minutes!”

Jan started panicking. The last thing she wanted was being filmed with a busted looking face. Her first instinct was to run back to the dressing room to do damage control, but there was no way she could that if she couldn’t even properly stand without crying.

Jan had been in such a panicked state she hadn’t realized Nicky had run out of the room once again, this time coming back with what seemed like all of the other girls' makeup, for some odd reason even Crystal’s bright red tv paint stick.

Jan snapped back to reality when Jackie gently tapped her on the shoulder.

“Jan, calm down, it’s okay. We'll make it to the next interview in time, you know Nicky, she can paint quickly if she has to.”

Nicky smiled at Jan before tilting up her head to be able to paint properly, and then got to work, fixing the fairly small parts that had gotten messed up from crying. Nicky was painting with what seemed like lightening speed, and they were actually done just in time. Nicky herself was surprised at how impressive the results were for a three minute fix; Jan’s face looked pretty much brand new, at least not like she had been crying.

Jackie decided to not even ask Jan whether she try to walk on her own, instead she just picked up the younger queen for the second time that day, and carried her to the filming room. Jan had accepted her fate and didn’t even try to argue. Nicky tried to comfort Jan with some encouragement words.

Jan blushed furiously when they had reached the room as the producers looked at them funnily. While Jan appreciated Jackie’s help (if Jan was being honest with herself, she wouldn’t have been able to get to the set by herself), she hated showing weakness. While it had been okay with Jackie and Nicky, strangers were a whole different story.

Nevertheless, she made sure to thank both of the girls excessively once she was back on the ground, only to be affectionately dismissed by them reassuring Jan that it was “Absolutely no problem at all" and “Don’t be silly baby, that’s the least we could do.”

The filming crew still needed a few minutes to set up the camera properly, so Heidi used the opportunity to walk up to Jan, taking a look at her.

“Aww Jan, you’re still not feeling your jantasy, are you? You poor thing.” Jan smiled softly, but shook her head. Heidi then proceeded to hug her, gently whispering “It’s going to be over soon, I promise. Stay strong, baby.”

If Jan and Heidi had looked around, they would have seen 10 pairs of eyes looking at them and 10 hearts basically melting at the display of deep affection.

The interview went alright. Jan, once again forced herself to appear all cheerful and happy, determined to show the world who she was, and to herself that she was a true professional who could act and pretend to be excited when in reality she was in pain and the only thing she wanted was to get to the hotel to finally get some rest.

Jackie was kind of shocked. The same Jan who had been crying a few minutes prior was now giggling at some joke someone had made. No viewer would know what had been going on behind the scenes. Jackie couldn’t help but wonder if Jan was overworking herself.

Jackie's microphone had been acting weird during the filming, so she had no choice but to leave Jan alone in order to get it fixed, leaving the other girls in charge to keep an eye on her.

Now, during the break everyone made sure to check on Jan at least once. Well, except for Rock. She had tried to talk to Jan about some of her new memes, but before she could even get out her phone, Gigi had made her leave (well, actually she had just given her the choice to either be quiet or leave, and Rock had accepted that she had many talents, but being quiet wasn’t one of them).

In fact, Gigi had proved once again how intimidating she could be, but it had worked, the other queens were giving Jan the space she probably needed. Well, most of them, anyway. Gigi had allowed Crystal to be near Jan as long as she was there to pull her away again in case Crystal’s emotions would get the best of her again. They did, unsurprisingly, and Gigi then decided Crystal was just not made for situations like those.

Once Gigi had left with Crystal so she wouldn’t cry, the other queens, one by one, made sure to show Jan how much they cared and tried to help her in any way they could.

Aiden and Brita were keeping their promise not to fight, they were still trying to avoid each other, but both were most likely too tired to fight anymore anyway. Coincidentally they both praised Jan for being so strong and professional in a similar way just a few minutes apart from each other without knowing.

Jaida and Heidi were checking up on her next. While Heidi immediately hugged Jan once more, wordlessly comforting her, Jaida wanted to make sure Jan was okay with actual words.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you still in pain?” Jaida was trying to stay and act as calm as she normally was, but the questions just flooded out of her.

Once Jan was released from the hug, she smiled at Jaida and answered with a “I’m okay now, gorg, thanks for asking.”

The fact that Jan was still trying to put on a happy face as to not concern anyone made Jaida’s heart hurt.

Around a minute later, Widow, Nicky and Dahlia wanted to talk to Jan as well, so Jaida and Heidi left, not wanting to overwhelm Jan (and get yelled at by Gigi because of it).

Dahlia spoke first, offering to talk to the producers again to get more time in between the filming sequences. Jan politely declined, not wanting the filming to take any longer than necessary, but still thanked Dahlia for having made that kind offer.

Widow was trying to talk Jan into taking the painkillers that had been forgotten earlier, but Jan was reluctant, not wanting to be sick again. Nicky joined in the discussion while carefully reapplying Jan’s lipstick. Close to the end of the break they had to accept that Jan was just too scared to ingest anything, all of them making a mental note to tell Jackie about it. Jan seemed to listen to her the most, and she had this caring thing about her where everyone just did anything she wanted them to out of trust.

When the girls’ break was over, they were told to go to the filming room once again. Jan had insisted she could walk this time, even after Nicky had offered to carry her, the argument being “Jan, you’re not heavy, it’s really no problem, accepting help is not a sign of weakness or whatever it is you’re scared of.”

At the end, they had comprised and Nicky and Rock were supporting her by the waist on either side. Jan was actually glad her friends had insisted on “at least” helping her like this, her legs were still shaking and had almost given out several times before reaching their destination, and she would have fallen without support.

When they had finally reached the room, thankfully without any kind of accidents, Jackie was already there, her microphone was now finally fixed. Everyone sat down on their assigned seats. Jackie wanted to ask Jan how she was feeling, but before she had the chance to do so, the cameras started rolling. By now, everyone wanted to be done with filming for the day.

While they of course were eternally grateful for such an opportunity many could only dream of, trying to stay enthusiastic and entertaining for an entire day with little time in between filming was stressful, but then again, it was all part of what they had signed up for.

The filming was going well so far, but Jan was struggling more and more to keep up with everything. Again, no one was able to tell as she was trying her hardest not to show any signs of even mild discomfort. Nobody could see how every time someone laughed, a sharp flash of pain would shoot through her head.

She was seeing stars by the end of the sequence. No one would have ever guessed the second she moved too much she could feel her insides cramping and the burning nausea that accompanied the awful sensation.

Jan kept reminding herself that every day would end eventually and that she at least didn’t have to hide anything anymore. Her sisters were there for her and would do anything for her if that meant she would feel better.

With that in mind, she was able to get through the interview, she couldn’t disappoint the others like that, acting weird so the whole mood would be off. Instead she wanted to keep it light and entertaining. Although every forced smile and laugh was incredibly difficult to maintain throughout the entire time, she powered through. When the camera was turned off for the time being, Jan wanted to cry because she was so glad she had a few minutes to not be okay.

Of course, she didn’t actually cry, she didn’t even have the strength anymore and she didn’t want to ruin Nicky’s efforts to keep her face perfectly beat.

“..Jan? Jan, come on, we're done for now baby.” Jan felt a light tap on her shoulder. She hadn’t noticed that she had zoned out again and everyone else except Jackie was already gone.

Jackie was standing in front of her, looking down on her with the all too familiar concerned expression Jan had seen quite a lot today. It made her feel sad and she wished she could erase it, but at this point, pretending to be fine or at least better would both be impossible and not really believable.

“Come on, let’s go back, Jannifer.” Jackie smiled at Jan, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes, the concern didn’t leave her face in the slightest bit. Jan tried to return the smile as best as she could and nodded.

She allowed herself to be pulled into a standing position. As soon as she was standing though, her legs were trembling dangerously, almost giving out, probably because she hadn’t eaten anything and her body simply just didn’t have a trace of energy anymore. Jan weakly reached out for support and she was immediately embraced. She felt a pair of arms protectively wrapping around her, pulling her close. Jan quietly sighed, rested her head on Jackie’s shoulder and closed her eyes.

Jackie couldn’t help herself. An incredibly worried, almost whispered “Jan, oh my god" slipped out. Whatever was happening to the younger queen was bad. Really bad. Actually the word ‘bad' was an understatement. It was essentially sucking all of Jan’s energy along with her usual cheery self. The older queen had never seen Jan in such bad condition before, and thinking about it for too long made her feel like her heart was breaking bit by bit.

She tried to shake the feeling off in order to be able to actually be there for Jan.

“I’m going to pick you up now, okay?”

Jan looked like she was about to protest, but Jackie was faster.

“Actually, that was just a heads up. Okay baby, here we go.”

The older queen did her best to pick up Jan as carefully as possible, not wanting to cause her to feel sick again. The younger girl held on tightly to Jackie, their physical contact was making her feel better.

When they had reached the dressing room, Jackie decided Jan should stay near her so she could keep an eye on her. She made Jan sit down in front of her own vanity, and then gathered all of Jan’s things, deciding they could share one vanity.

Jan was shaking noticeably more by now, which again wasn’t good at all, especially since Jackie had felt how hot Jan had been when she had carried her earlier. Which reminded her..

Widow walked up to them, firstly turning her attention to Jan, who now looked like she was close to passing out again.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” Widow tried to keep her voice down.

Jan looked up. Although she knew she didn’t have to pretend anymore, she didn’t want to sound whiny.

“I’m okay now..”

Widow rolled her eyes. “Why am I even asking? Jan, honestly you’re never going to be honest when it comes to your well being, are you?”

Then she looked at Jackie and handed her the pain killers and a bottle of water.

“Here you go, maybe you can get her to take them.” With that she left, joining the rest of the girls in their casual conversations.

Jackie was shocked. “Are you serious? Jan, baby, you suck at self care.”

Jan half heartedly tried to defend herself. “I didn’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I can handle throwing up again.”

Then, something seemed to break inside of her.

“I’m so tired Jackie, it’s so hard pretending to be happy when everything hurts..” The moment of vulnerability was short lived though. Jan seemed to be shocked with what words had just left her mouth.

“I’m so sorry. I know everyone is tired, I promise I can-"

Jackie interrupted her. “Jan. No. Stop. I promise you can talk about how you’re feeling, in fact, I think everyone including me would be happy if you did so we can actually help you. We all love you. I love you.”

Jan smiled a tiny but genuine smile. “I love you too. And I thank you for everything.”

“No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for. But actually..you could return the favor right now.”

Jan was about to ask how, but before she could do so, Jackie already held up the medication with a somewhat pleading expression.

Before Jan could even respond, Nicky who had been nearby and therefore heard the conversation, apparently had enough. She walked up to Jan, standing in front of her and staring directly into her eyes.

Nicky’s expression was hard to read, though intense concern and anger caused because of it seemed to be the majority of it. She let out a sharp breath before speaking, focusing hard on keeping her voice as calm as possible. Jan was scared at this point.

“Okay, that is enough. Jan, I swear to god if you don’t take them right now, I will shove them down your throat myself. And don’t you think I’m kidding, bitch.”

If Jan had been scared before, she was now completely and utterly terrified, especially since she had never seen Nicky like this before.

Jackie tried to break up the serious situation. Nicky wasn’t wrong, but scaring Jan wasn’t going to help. She subconsciously took Jan’s hand before turning her attention to Nicky.

“I think we’ll manage without taking such extreme measures, right?” She looked at Jan.

The younger queen sighed softly, but then nodded She could probably endure the consequences if it meant it would make Jackie happy and Nicky wouldn’t possibly kill her.

Thankfully Jackie seemed to sense that Jan would be more comfortable (and safer) with her giving her the tablets. Nicky was okay with this, she left, but not without hugging both Jackie and Jan quickly and stayed near enough so she could help if it was needed. She didn’t have the desire to participate in the hushed small talk of the nine other queens. It was forced anyway so Jan wouldn’t feel guilty about making them worry.

The older queen instructed Jan to open her mouth, put the small, white pills in, and then helped Jan drink a bit of water, this time stopping before Jan even started to look uncomfortable.

“Well done, baby, I’m proud of you.” But then Jackie noticed the younger girl tense up, looking at the ground.

“Jan, honey, look at me.” Jackie carefully took Jan’s hands. The younger queen finally looked up.

“It’s okay, it’s not going to happen again, I promise. But you need to calm down and breathe, okay? Deep, calm breaths baby. Yeah, that’s better, good job.”

When Jan had finally calmed down, and the nausea had subsided to a manageable level again without vomiting, the cast was yet again called for the next interview.

It all happened in some sort of a haze for Jan, having to answer questions she was convinced they had all answered earlier? Or had they? Everything was starting to blur together. Halfway through the interview though, the painkillers finally showed effect and took away some of her pain. She could feel it go down from unbearable to not great, but definitely better.

During every break they had, Jackie was further making sure she was getting better as best as she could, given their less than ideal for the younger girl location. She just seemed to know exactly what Jan needed, and when.

As a consequence, the breaks would essentially consist of them being close to each other. For the majority of the time, they were hugging each other, Jackie allowing Jan to rest her head on her shoulder. Whenever she could, she would make Jan drink some more water, but that wasn’t an easy task. At one point she even had Nicky hold Jan still while Jackie made her drink. Taking care of someone for a whole day, especially with filming in between was exhausting, but Jackie was glad Jan finally let her help. And even though the younger girl was a bit stubborn at times, Jackie didn’t get annoyed. Instead she reminded herself that Jan was simply scared of having to throw up again.

Filming was finally over for the day, and the whole cast was happy about it. It had been a long day, everyone was exhausted and just wanted to get out of drag and into bed. (Jan was especially grateful because the effect of the painkillers had started wearing off by the beginning of the last interview. By the time they had finished, her pain had been back at full force, leaving her yet again in agony.)

But even in their collectively tired state, no one could resist when Crystal wrapped her arms around both Jan (who was secretly glad for the support to stand up straight) and Gigi, and then suggested a group hug.

Brita had been a bit absent, still thinking about the last interview, she only came back to reality when someone carefully tapped her on the shoulder. It was a bit awkward for her as the only space left was next to Aiden.

“Don't squish her too much” she told the other queens in a concerned voice, obviously meaning Jan. Aiden mouthed a “it’s okay” before pulling her into the group hug. Brita felt a weight leaving her shoulders. Finally, there seemed to be no hard feelings between Aiden and herself anymore. In that moment, both of them promised themselves to try and stop fighting as much as they, despite on their occasional disagreements, still loved each other.

They only broke their comforting hug when the van from earlier was there to bring them back to the hotel. All of them were eager to get into the car, looking forward to get back.

The car ride was pretty silent, most of the queens were nodding off. Jan on the other hand, could feel every movement of the van, and it didn’t do her ever so present nausea any favors.

On top of that she was freezing, her entire body was shaking aggressively, and her teeth were chattering. Jackie pulled Jan as close as possible in a car, putting one arm around Jan’s shoulders while she very, very carefully placed her other hand on Jan’s stomach, obviously without applying any sort of pressure, hoping the warmth would help the younger girl. It actually helped, but it made Jan blush because she was slightly embarrassed about someone touching her there, not enough to say anything about it though. She was tired and her head hurt after all. Jackie’s actions were making her feel better, so she decided to just accept the help.

When they had finally reached the hotel, Jackie realized she was the only one awake, except for the driver, of course. She was tired too, of course, but she had stayed awake in case Jan needed her.

She decided to wake up Jan last, just to let her sleep for a few more minutes. The poor girl even looked exhausted in her sleep. When she untangled herself from her, Jan whined in her sleep, but didn’t wake up. Jackie felt bad for doing it right after, but she wanted to get everyone else out of the car first so Jan could wake up peacefully without too many concerned questions about her well being.

Jackie got up. One by one, she tapped the other queens on their shoulders. For some of them, this was enough to wake up. The ones who were still asleep were gently shaken awake. When the others were all more or less awake, they fairly quickly realized where they were, and got out of the car.

Jackie turned her attention back to Jan, who was still asleep, but now she was mumbling and looked uncomfortable, probably cold without Jackie being near her. The older queen decided that now would be a good moment to wake Jan up. She undid Jan’s seatbelt before carefully tapping on her shoulder a couple of times. Surprisingly, this was enough for the younger queen to wake up. Jan opened her eyes, and looked around. She was visibly confused and slightly scared by her surroundings. Then she looked at Jackie for an explanation.

“It’s okay, baby. We’re back at the hotel. We made it.”

[sakuraficrecs]

Fic rec #19

Turning Over a New Leaf, or How Fugaku Got His Groove Back by moor

[E] Sakura x Fugaku

Fugaku x Sakura. 'Smut Monday'. Widower Fugaku announced to his sons his intention to withdraw as clan head. He gives them a timeline to get moving on their search for a perfect mate before he realises they're aiming for the same woman. When Fugaku ends up taking their place on a mission with a mysterious ANBU kunoichi, he's enchanted... until she disappears. The search is on! 

Complete*. Words: 21,709

*Sequel (complete)