#whyyyyyyy do i do this to myself
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What do you mean now that I鈥檓 done writing my 4K word Jaya fic that now I have to proofread it? 馃槰 can鈥檛 my writing just do that itself :( no edit, only write >:[
#whyyyyyyy#I鈥檓 so lazy#I also recently deleted my grammar checker#cause it was annoying me#so now I have to do it the old fashioned way#why do i do this to myself
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trying to plan out the master drumming song amv. why are there so many repeating lyrics in this song good lord
#ivy.txt#whyyyyyyy did i do this to myself#(i鈥檓 actually very excited about some of the ideas i鈥檝e come up with for this one)#(but god the repetitive parts. i do Not know what to do with them)
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i just finished reading the dirtiest, smuttiest, grossest fic i have ever read in my life and tried to comment how wonderful my experience was with it only to be hit with the news of the bs ddos attack that happened earlier.聽
and the worst part is?
i never thought previous to this to download a single. fucking. fic.
#ao3#god fucking damnit#why do i do this to myself whyyyyyyy#ok but also love you ao3 volunteers#yall may not have written the actual fics im reading but i wouldnt ever get to see them if it werent for you
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"Everyone want to be (opposite sex) at some point in their life, it's normal but doesn't mean-" blah blah blah transphobia
Like yea everyone has those thoughts but not every day of their freaking life, maybe just maybe if someone feels like this everyday then they are actually trans!
Who knew?! [Sarcasm]
#hi#im genderfluid#i will never have my desired body unless im feeling feminine that day#but even then i hate the tatas so they have to go one day#some days just even feeling the bahoobies on my chest makes me want to cry because my chest should actually be flat#like why is all that stupid fat on it?? get off there#no matter what#top surgery for me is happening#like im cool being feminine some days#other days i dont feel like either#but other days i feel so bad looking at myself in the mirror because whyyyyyyy do i not have masculine bodyyyyy#i wish i could shape shift even if its only back and forth between amab nody and afab body
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tfw you unintentionally spoil yourself bc you can鈥檛 wait to read the fanfiction
#guess who started one piece#and fell in love with ace#i am so dumb but it鈥檚 fine#that man came on screen for .5 seconds and I was like#you. you鈥檙e the one#man do I know how to choose em#I鈥檒l have you know he wasn鈥檛 even shirtless at the time#it was the freckles that did me in#(the being shirtless didn鈥檛 hurt tho 馃槼)#ughhhhh whyyyyyyy#why do I keep doing this to myself?#oh well. time to see how the alabasta arc goes#I am so dumb: a saga#ugh fml#sibi talks about sibi
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next time the "how are you in a crisis?" type question comes up I am going to remember this evening when I totally smashed my car into a pillar in a parking garage and then apparently forgot to turn my lights on (fluorescent lighting in said parking garage) and got flagged down by a man on the street for driving without lights (thank u sir) ALL WHILE ON THE PHONE WITH MY MOM AND SISTER and they had no idea. I was completely cool. Literally an active disaster behind the wheel (this is why I don't like driving in the city ughghgguhguhgh) and just like "oh yeah totally" on the phone.
Does this mean I am good in a crisis? more like avoidant haha. I am not thinking about my car if I can't see it it's not real. consistent with my stupid habit of just not looking at my phone for two hours if I get a text I don't want to answer
#since my silly little dinner date got canceled I decided to go get myself food for once#and was immediately reminded of a reason besides frugality that I don't just go do stuff like that more often#an entire ordeal#also literally whyyyyyyy did I do that#most avoidable accident ever it's not like I was tight for space or anything#just forgot about the giant pillar that I had literally laid eyes on second before#I joke about lacking object permanence but wow#anyway just got off the phone with my mom I didn't know how to say hey I need you to stop talking to me so I can freak out a little#(the version of which is me sitting chilling breathing normal just typing this post)#anyway AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I don't actually care that much the car still drives and that's what I care about#it's just. it's very visible. people are going to ask me about it
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I think my knees are horribly homophobic for not allowing me to sit in typically queer weird ways without starting to hurt :(
#i cannot even sit cross legged for more than two minutes ahhhhhhhhh#i have to keep my feet on the floor!!!#and keep my legs straight or bent normally!!#whyyyyyyy#i must have committed some great crime to deserve this pain#look#the orthopedist basically told me I'm actually fine#so I'm convincing myself I CAN sit weirdly#but then my knees do hurt and that's unjust 馃様#vaneggiando
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I wonder if in 100 years people will wonder why the women of our generation basically tortured themselves to get rid of perfectly normal body hair
#i just spent 2h waxing my arms and legs#i took breaks#plus I'm not as efficient and good at it as a pro#but jfc#whyyyyyyy#why do i do this to myself#so much pain and frustration#and now my skin is all tingly and soon it's gonna get itchy AF#like. is it worth it#why am i ashamed of my body hair#why have i been conditioned to hate it#I'm going on vacation and I could not bear the thought of being hairy while there#but i did go swimming at the pool here hairy cause I couldn't shave because i knew i needed to wax#i felt embarrassed the entire time though
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There鈥檚 nothing worse than reaching a heart wrenching part in your book, then your family tells you let鈥檚 go out to eat. So now you know u have to stop reading cause u don鈥檛 wanna cry in the car or in the restaurant, as well as know that when u get home ur gonna cry ur eyes out
#books and reading#always makes me cry#why am i like this#why do i do this to myself#just whyyyyyyy#please please please give me books
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It always feels so Stockholm Syndrome-y whenever I find another Eris on this app and think they鈥檙e cool 馃槶
#problem is then I try following them but they don鈥檛 follow back so I鈥檓 like okay fine 馃檮#I think my subconscious is looking for trouble ngl 馃槥#dora daily#not even my subconscious it鈥檚 my actual conscious cause listen whyyyyyyy#why#did I weirdly hope she would ask for my new blog#SEDATE MEEEE#ughhhh I am still not out of the wood works yet HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE#ngl none of yall are interesting without me making you interesting#because truthfully everything IS meh until my crazy emotional disregulation goes whack and suddenly you鈥檙e the equivalent of my saviour so#trythfully she isn鈥檛 all that and when I would re read the messages I鈥檓 like HUH why did I like her sm this is weird#then I remembered I was heavily suicidal and attempting to recover from that period whilst subconsciously digesting every bad thing my mum#was putting me through#nobody or rarely do people get groomed if they鈥檙e normally functioning they have to be vulnerable to an extent#unfortunately for myself and Eris she happened to be one of the first and very few people who actually talked to me back then#so no wonder I got attached so much LOL#to the point I disgustingly look for her in other things 馃懝馃懝馃懝馃懝 FMLLLLLLL
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Not to be whiny but I think it is so unfair to give a due date at the beginning of a project and then on a different day make it due a whole class sooner
#beeep#like. hello.#infusion was already fucking me up and then also there was me being a disaster in general but it was gonna be okayish#but now its two days late and i havent slept yet and i was supposed to have this class time for finishing touches#like WHYYYYYYY#i dont know whether to do hour long nap or not sleep until after 4pm#what if i killed myself . can't fail classes if I'm dead haha! <- is joke. unless?#and the new due date and decision were on one of the two days i missed :^)
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Sobs cries dies chocks grips walls for dear life foaming at the mouth banging head on the wall cries dies rolls over and cries yeets off a cliff poisoned self curls in a ball and questions life choices eats brain smashes brain chokes hand cries again claws skin off cires more flops onto floor and dies.
ART IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
WHY DOES NOTHING GO THE WAY I WANT IT GO???
WHY MUST HAVING A CONSISTENT ART STYLE SO HARD???
KILL ME GOD DAMN IT PLS!!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!! THIS IS SUFFERING!!!!
Never ever attempt to make a webcomic guys. Especially when your art is still in the beginning stages. You'll go crazy. Like why is everything so hard to draw man. 馃様
#thefanboyhub#thefanboy#thefanboyhub rambles#webcomic#small artist#art is hell#whoever said it was whimsical fucking lied#whyyyyyyy#why do i do this to myself#someone kill me#pls kill me#im going crazy#my hand hurts so bad#end my suffering
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art mediums as listed by how forgivable and versatile they are:
digital art
acrylic paint
watercolour
oil pastels
coloured pencils
art mediums as listed how much practice/preference i have with them. for some fuckin reason. :
coloured pencils
oil pastels
watercolour
acrylic paint
digital art
#WHYYYYYYY#WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF#i actually prefer oil pastels over coloured pencils by a lot but oil pastels are still a relatively new medium for me whereas coloured-#pencils were my signature medium for a good chunk of time#also i might more practiced at acrylic than watercolour now bc i just took an acrylic class this quarter#but for a good while that was not the case#also. i do not gravitate toward these mediums because i Want A Challenge.#i DO NOT WANT A CHALLENGE. !!!#them being difficult unforgiving mediums is coincidental#i want something forgiving!!!#but i.#ghhh#i am now attached to these mediums#and i can't do digital art for shit#and i like being able to feel the art and the tools#coloured pencils and oil pastels do that the most (ESPECIALLY oil pastels)#and paints somewhat#but the more physically incorporated i am with the art the more connection i feel i guess#which is why i love oil pastels#i feel the pastel in my hand#and then i feel it touching the paper#and then when i blend i do it with my fingers#and when it's finished i can run my hand over the artwork to feel the texture#digital art doesn't let me feel what i'm doing so that's probably part of the problem with it#unityrain.txt#art#shitpost#but. WHYYYYY#WHY DID I CHOOSE SUCH DIFFICULT MEDIUMS TO DEDICATE MY TIME TO!!!
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#learning that there are things that could be disagreements in a shared living situation that i never even considered#everyone warned me about division of chores and differing desires for house decor or like. use of the bathroom.#but now it's like bro we already have a 50'' tv we do not need a bigger one. what the fuck.#don't offer to pay for it yourself i straight up don't want that in our living room.#or like. being willing to save up for a good investment vs wanting to get something good enough for now and upgrading further down#the latter has its merits especially depending on what it is but it sounds like a waste of money for some smaller things#whyyyyyyy are we buying this shitty 20 dollar shoe rack right now#that we'll need to either store away or sell when we get the nice 60 dollar one. why can't we just wait and make do with our stairway rn.#anyways. not to get extreme about it but this is another reason why i can't see myself getting married <3#i will not compromise and i am so very particular about my things and i cannot imagine anyone else particular in the same way i am#and i would not make someone else compromise for me bc i don't think i would be compromising for them and that just isn't right#they speak!
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wait the global citizen concert is the 23rd 馃槶馃槩
#is jk gonna see yoongs off#ohhhh why am i doing this to myself 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槩馃槩馃槩#it does not get easier#i'm not even close to ready#whyyyyyyy
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its depressing but im still thinking about it
a good rule of thumb is to never invite maurycy anywhere because what if he actually does show up.
#obviously im not gonna do it but my fucking god. now im obsessed with fantasizing about like being wanted. somewhere#whyyyyyyy do i always and forever insist on dreaming about the stupid things im tiring myself out like a stupid fucking idiot#my brain must always be like . ok but imagine being invited somewhere#and i am simply gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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