#why torture myself with not sleeping and not properly eating

[singingonthebarricade]

I've slept for a total of 5 hours the last three days, and here I am at the fourth night still not sleeping, why cant I just let myself sleep....

[springfallendeer]

The Bells - 4

Part 4 of the fic featuring @xitsensunmoon's vampire au boys

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Part 4: Another tense reunion

||The sound of bells roused her from her sleep come morning. Abruptly so, at that.||

||Not for any reason in particular. The song of the bells was gentle and distant. But after weeks of having been tortured by the continual chime of the metal, she had come to have a negative response to the sound.||

||Ergo, when she wakes, she jolts awake. She jolts awake as the sound of the bell chiming permeates her dreams to mock her subconscious mind.||

||The bells continue to sing as she stumbles out of her bed. Not loud. They’re very quiet. But they’re anxiety inducing all the same.||

||Disoriented, she stumbles her way out of her room and back to the front door. Upon pulling it open, she finds the other vampire standing right outside. The golden one.||

||He pauses upon seeing her, a friendly smile spreading across his features as he locks eyes with her. He had been shaking one of his wrists up near his head. The bells attached to the ribbons worn around his wrist were being rattled as a result.||

||“Good morning~” The golden vampire chimes their velvety voice just as sweet as it had been when they first met. For some reason, their voice now lacks the calming effect that it had had at that time.||

||Ayala stands there for a few minutes, just staring at him. Overall just struggling to fully wrap her head around the scenario that she’s somehow gotten herself into.||

||Why her?||

||Of all the people in the world, why was she the one being harassed by these weird, robotic vampires?||

||The golden vampire lets out an almost uneasy sounding laugh as he stares at her.||

||“Something tells me that you’re not a morning person~...” He awkwardly jokes.||

||Ayala finds herself giving him a rather dirty look in response. Or at least she assumes that’s what she’s done, given the uncomfortable look he gives her after a moment.||

||He clears his throat, taking a step back so that he could offer a dramatic bow. His previously friendly persona is back in full swing as he does so.||

||“Well! Pardon the intrusion. I just thought it was high time that I stopped by to introduce myself properly~” The vampire dramatically exclaims, before returning to his previous, upright position.|| ||“You can call me Sun. Or Sunny, if you like~” He sweetly chuckles, giving the woman what could be described as a goofy looking grin. If not for the fact that his grin was full of sharp teeth.||

||Teeth that had already been used to tear into her flesh.||

||“... Ayala.” She mutters in turn, giving the vampire her name. Though, she probably did not need to. Moon had no doubt already given him her name. The vampire lets out a soft laugh to confirm this assumption.||

||“Yes~ Yes.” Sun hums, before clearing his throat. He offers another polite bow, this time offering his hand. A metallic, skeletal hand. Ayala cannot help but stare at it. Anxiously. The vampire lets out a little sigh in response.|| ||“Do I frighten you?...” He murmurs, his sweet voice having gone mostly quiet as he spoke. He gave her the most pathetic puppy-dog eyes that she had ever seen as he asked her this. Something that should have been impossible for a robotic, blood sucking vampire to do.||

||She looks away, not wanting to be guilted by his hurt voice and sad eyes. He didn’t have the right to be bothered.||

||“You want to eat me.” Ayala retorts, forcing the bitterness into her voice to hide her unease. The vampire reluctantly withdraws his hand, bringing it to his chest. He almost appears to be covering his heart. If he has one, that is.||

||“Well, yes. But I’m trying to make you comfortable.” Sun replies, giving the woman an almost surprised look. His eyes are a bit wide and his expression a bit befuddled.||

||Ayala mentally swears.||

||Why was he so cute?||

||It didn’t make sense. He was a predator knocking at her door, politely asking her to bare her neck to him.||

||She shouldn’t feel guilty for being upset, and she shouldn’t find him cute.||

||She anxiously glances back at him. In doing so, she makes the mistake of looking into his eyes.||

||His pale, ghostly eyes.||

||A reluctant wave of calm rolls over her as she stares at him. She doesn’t know if its his relaxed posture, or his gentle expression, or his sweet, sweet eyes. Something about him somehow puts her at ease when, it absolutely shouldn’t.||

||Cautiously, she begins to extend her hand.||

||Sun’s smile only widens as he offers his hand in turn. He waits for her to place her hand in his.||

||She flinches as he wraps his thumb around to gently squeeze her hand.||

||She flinches further as he slowly tugs her hand to his face.||

||No teeth. No pain. Sun simply delivers a soft, sweet kiss to the top of her hand. This is an act of submission on his part. A means of putting his prey more at ease, so that when the time comes, there will be less resistance when he seeks her out for blood.||

||On some level, she’s well aware of this. Her trembling establishes as much.||

||He offers a gentle shush as he reaches to caress her face.||

||She flinches at first, rightly nervous. But she’s already stepped into his grasp. Ergo, it's already too late to step back. She’s crossed the threshold to enter the point of no return.||

||“Poor, nervous little Doe~” Sun hums, gently caressing the woman’s face in an attempt to calm her trembling body. As tears begin to prick the corners of her eyes, he reaches further to wrap his fingers around to lightly cradle the back of her head. At which point, he coaxes her closer by lightly pulling. She obeys, her body unwilling to resist his beckoning call.|| ||“There, there~ No need to be scared.” He murmurs, kneeling so that he can make himself closer to her height as he pulls her into a hug. Her trembling worsens at first as she feels his body effectively trap hers against him. His robotic limbs act as a cage, preventing her from even hoping to run.|| ||“You’re safe~” He states, bringing his other hand up to gently comb his fingers through her hair. She doesn’t stop trembling.||

||It's the knowledge of his hunger that makes her so uneasy. The knowledge that she’s willingly walked into the embrace of a creature that seeks to tear into her throat to indulge in the crimson fluid trapped beneath her skin.||

||Sun lets out a soft laugh, pulling back ever so slightly so that he could lock eyes with the woman once more. He shushes her again, moving to wipe the lone, stray tears that’s rolled down her cheek.||

||“My sweet little Doe. So small. So timid. Please, don’t be afraid.” His velvety voice spills these words as he looks at her, his pale, ghostly eyes as hypnotic as ever.|| ||“We have no intention of harming you. Quite the opposite. We want to keep you close. To keep you safe and comfortable. All we ask is for you to allow us to eat when we are hungry.” He states, using sweet words to hide the scenario that has been arranged.||

||She has been chosen as livestock. Livestock needs to be kept safe and comfortable, in order for it to be kept useful.||

||She feared what would happen if she lost her use.||

||“... Why me?” Ayala murmurs, staring into Sun’s calm, unblinking eyes. The vampire lightly traces his thumb across her lower lip, a soft smile tugging at his features.||

||“You taste nice.” Sun replies, allowing his hand to drop lower. He lightly traces the woman’s jaw, gently encouraging her to tilt her head to the side. She nervously obeys.|| ||“You live further away from other people. So there’s less risk of anyone else seeing us when we happen by for a visit.” He adds, pointing out an additional aspect that appealed to the vampires. All the while he gently ushers her head back and to the side. He maintains eye contact all throughout.|| ||“And I suspect-” He chuckles, breaking eye contact as he leans to brush lips against her throat “that you like being bitten~”||

||Ayala tenses faintly from the anticipation of his teeth. But he doesn���t bite. He simply drags his tongue along her skin, letting out a little purr as he feels her body heat up.||

||She feels her face flush faintly as her brain processes his final statement.||

||When she shoves her hands against his chest, he lets her go. Mostly.||

||She falls back, but Sun catches her just before she can hit her head. There’s a glimmer of mischief in his otherwise docile eyes as he stares down at her, holding her just an inch off of the ground.||

||Her face flushes further as she realizes their position. He’s effectively on top of her, cradling her body in his arms. One wrapped under her back, the other tucked behind her head.||

||As he pulls her back up and allows her to kneel in front of him, he chuckles.||

||“Careful~” Sun’s voice has become something of a tease as he speaks. He’s clearly amused by her reaction to his statement that he suspects she enjoys being bitten. He runs his fingers through her hair again, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly as he gazes at her.|| ||“Tell me, what did you feel when we drank from you? Be honest.” He requests, bringing his hand around to cup the woman’s chin. He means to prevent her from looking away from him.||

||Her cheeks flush further as he stares at her, quietly waiting for a response.||

||Memories of that first encounter come rushing back, whether she likes it or not.||

||The terror of being chased. The adrenaline rushing through her veins. The fear she felt once captured.||

||Then the calm when she gazed into Sun’s eyes, and the sting of his teeth as they sank into her skin.||

||Then the euphoria.||

||The exhaustion mixed with the loss of blood. As dazed as it left her, it was not unpleasant.||

||Moon repeatedly biting down on her throat kept her grounded in the moment. Overwhelmed by the feeling of her whole body relaxing in their hold.||

||Clearly they had been killing her. Every drop of blood swallowed by their lips took with it a sliver of her life. They had simply stopped before crossing that invisible line.||

||But when the fear was taken away, the situation as a whole was not all that unpleasant.||

||She wasn’t sure how to feel now that she thought about it. She should have been terrified. She should have been sobbing in Sun’s embrace. She should have been trying to get away from him. But she wasn’t.||

||On some level, she didn’t hate being used for food. Because some part of her did enjoy the way it felt when they drank from her.||

||She couldn’t bring herself to verbalize this revelation. But she did not need to. Her confused, flustered expression gave everything away.||

||Sun chuckles, tracing her throat with his fingers once more.||

||“Why not give us a chance? Let us help you experience it properly.” Sun requests, leaning so that he can whisper into the woman’s ear. A smirk tugs at his lips as he feels her shudder.|| ||“No chasing. No games. Just Moon and I taking a drink from your neck.” He murmurs, his words dripping from his lips like honey.||

||Ayala is left stunned, for a moment. Unsure of how to respond. Or maybe even unable to respond due to her jumbled emotions.||

||She can’t even use her voice when she does offer a response. All that she can do is give a timid, uneasy nod.||

||She can’t believe that she’s agreeing to this. But it's the only way to be sure, isn’t it?||

||She can’t decide if being used for food is horrible if she doesn’t allow them to feed in a controlled setting.||

||In a flash, she’s off of the ground. Sun stood and picked her up so quickly and so easily that she felt as though she had teleported. He hadn’t even given her the time to blink before everything was done.||

||Rightly disoriented by the sudden change in posture, she wobbles faintly as he sets her back on her feet. He keeps his hand wrapped around hers as she steadies herself, before he offers one final bow.||

||“This evening, then. As the sun begins to set. Moon and I will return. You need only invite us in.” He trills, bringing her hand up to his face again so that he can kiss her knuckles. She slowly withdraws her hand once he lets it go.||

||Then she blinks, and suddenly he’s gone. The only reminder of him having been there at all being the feel of his lips against her skin, and the distant sound of his bells as he moves around beyond her line of sight.||

||Confused, she stands there for a moment, trying and failing to fully process the situation that she’s gotten herself into. Until at last the reality of it all sets in.||

||Flustered, she retreats into her home, slamming the door behind her as she does.||

||She can’t believe what she’s just agreed to. But it's too late to go back now.||

||All that she can do is wait and hope that she hasn’t made a horrible, horrible mistake.||

[redd956]

Ever since I was 5, I've been plagued by horrific detailed nightmares every time I sleep.

Due to having nightmare disorder for so long and early, I'm unable to properly lucid dream and free myself from the cycle of horror

My nightmares are too strong and varied for medication

My twentieth birthday approaches; twenty years survived not properly eating, sleeping, or existing.

And that's okay. I'm content. I know shouldn't be, but why stop a good thing.

I didn't have internet access a lot growing up. When I tried to see how other people were doing with my disorder, I was devastated to find people with less severe variants of nightmare disorder were at wits end, writing their goodbyes in posts.

What is torture?

Is what I'm going through? What I've always gone through? What I've always known?

There is no recovery for me, and that never hurt me until I've found the dead who gave up at biweekly nightmares with periodic versions of the disorder.

I get no breaks.

Ever.

Yet I'm content. Maybe it's because I know I'll never recover.

[dudadrawings17]

Sorry... I'm not fine.

(trigger warning: very detailed description of a disease.)

For several years, I ignored its existence. I heard about it so infrequently that I never cared. Perhaps here and there, during animal vaccination campaigns. But I never imagined it could be so terrifying, so horrible, so deadly.

Damn. Everything was getting better. I was returning to eating normally, feeling more relaxed, gradually overcoming my fears that, at most, concerned the flies and mosquitoes invading my home or the dirt I might bring in from the street whenever I was forced to go out. Now, there's nothing in my thoughts but the fear of dying in one of the cruelest ways an invisible little being can provoke in a human.

Lyssavirus. Lyssa, the goddess of madness in Greek mythology. It's no wonder they associated this cursed virus with that goddess. But why the hell did I have to watch that damn video of a biologist explaining rabies while showing a person on a hospital bed, spasming from head to toe and struggling to take a sip of water, so essential for their survival? And why the hell did I, aware of my condition, seek out more and more videos and information about this damn disease?

Knowing what I know about it is the cause of feeling like this, as if my sanity is hanging by a thread. My mind fabricates false memories that make me unsure of what I saw or felt. Was that thing that entered through the bathroom window last night and stuck to my shoulder a moth? 'No, it was a tiny bat,' my mind says. Are these red marks on my shoulder just allergies? 'No, that's the bite mark the bat left you,' my mind says. What I felt dripping on my head while lying down, is it a pipe leak? 'No, it's bat saliva,' my mind tells me again.

What a nightmare! What torture! Some nights I don't sleep properly, and for days, I don't eat properly. I no longer do anything that brings me joy because my mind is too focused on what I think are the last weeks or months of my life. Just waiting for the moment when I'll have fever, coughs, sneezes, and nausea, and even when they say, 'it's just a viral infection,' I'll already be sure that my days are numbered. Seven at most. Because right after, there would be mental confusion, anxiety attacks, seizures, aggressive outbursts, hydrophobia (throat spasms making it impossible to drink water), excessive salivation, and then... coma and death.

With every new trigger that makes me imagine nonexistent bats salivating or biting me, I try, I swear I try my best, to follow what my psychologist advises: 'Duda, one day at a time.'

There is absolutely NO reason for me to be as scared as I am. And even if the unlikely case of me being infected were true, there would be nothing more I could do. So why suffer in anticipation?

That's what I'm trying to tell myself right now as I attempt to slow down my heart after another failed attempt to sleep due to anxiety. I really need to sleep. And I'm really hungry. But the fear of being attacked while I sleep or that my mother contaminated the groceries with rabid dog saliva (who knows, petting a stray dog), manages to be greater.

I'm exhausted. I'm famished. I'm crazy. I'm almost giving up... Would it hurt less if I ended this myself instead of waiting for the Lyssavirus to kill me? (Sigh) no, no. I'm too cowardly for that. After all, it's the fear of death and what will happen to me afterward that's causing all this fear. What would be the point of hastening it... Well... Although there's no longer any meaning in anything I think or do. It would just be another contradiction.

One day at a time, Eduarda.

If I have to die many years from now, lying in a bed, very old, that's good.

If it has to be a month or two from now because of a fatal virus, so be it.

One day at a time. And trying to sleep now.

[tehuti88-heritage]

My Dad, Part 11

(June 24, 2024)

I forgot to mention previously, when we asked Dad when he'd last eaten, he said it had been a couple of days. So that seems to hint that at MediLodge they hadn't really been keeping up with his treatment too well, if they weren't making sure he was eating properly. I don't know how nursing homes work, but wouldn't you think that would be a priority, especially for a diabetic patient recovering from all the medical trauma my dad was...? All I know is that after my surgery, they nagged at me incessantly to drink and to eat despite me being terribly sick. And I was in nowhere near the shape Dad was...

After calling 911 for a lift assist to bed, we all retired ourselves. I spent a long while agonizing over how we would move him to & from the bathroom when he needed. Not long before I was to get up to use the bathroom myself, I heard rattling noises--my walker. Peeking out, I saw its shadow in the bathroom doorway--Dad got up on his own.

Startled, I watched as Dad left the bathroom & went back to his bedroom. "I don't think you can get in bed on your own," I said, to which he replied, "I've done it 3 times."

So as Ma & I slept, here was Dad, getting in & out & in & out of bed!

I figured, if he's going into the bathroom THAT frequently, he could at least be getting something to drink. I already mentioned I can hear everything he does in there in my room, right next door. I heard him wash his hands, but not get a drink. He didn't seem to be urinating much, so why did he keep getting up?? Unassisted, no less! What if he fell or something?

This also indicated he was not sleeping well.

When I went in there myself, I swear I saw a slight smear of blood on the toilet seat...I'm not sure what it was from. My mother slept through all this BTW, as her hearing is not good. Every time he moved around though, it woke me up. So I was losing sleep now too.

Later on that day, June 24 2023, wasn't much better. He kept going to his room to lie down, then getting back up & coming back out to sit on the couch for a while. Then going back to his room. Over & over. Every single time he started making motions to get up, it sent my anxiety through the roof, I'd signal silently to my mother (who wasn't the best at paying attention to all this), & we'd both sit & watch to see if he could manage on his own, both of us ready to jump up & help if he fell. Once in a while he could not get up on his own at first & would fall back to the couch, & try again a few minutes later. It was torture to watch. I kept urging him to drink more, he agreed, but I saw him take only one drink. There was no way this could be sustainable.

My own insides were all knotted up & I had to keep using the bathroom myself. Even Sassy, the cat, who usually adores him--he'd asked to see her first on his previous visit--avoided him.

This went on all day long. Up & down, to his room & back to the couch, over & over & over. It was really hot too. I wished so much that he would drink.

Late in the day I realized I hadn't seen him go to use the bathroom since around at latest noon or so. I asked him if he planned to go in there before going to bed? Hinting that he should at least try. He shook his head no. I told him I was worried as he hadn't gone all day. What if his kidneys were going again? To which he frowned & said he'd been using the bathroom. I said, "I haven't seen you go in there since 1PM." To which he replied that he'd been in there "a couple times."

I had been there all day long. Watching--& agonizing--every single time he got up. I'd left once only, to put out the animal food, which took just a few moments. He had NOT been in the bathroom a couple of times! So he was either misremembering, or outright lying. Right to my face!

He said that his stomach hurt, not his back, but it's obvious he has a history of downplaying his symptoms, & now, just plain lying. He was obviously quite uncomfortable & possibly in pain, though. MediLodge had prescribed some sort of sleep med, Trazodone or something, & I wondered if I should try that on him, but figured he would reject it as usual. My mother, meanwhile, used her inhaler, said she had a headache & that she felt hot. I worried her COVID might be worsening. I was the only one not sick by now, & I can hardly even care for myself, much less TWO sick parents.

Why couldn't he have called 911 when he first felt sick! Why couldn't she have kept wearing that stupid mask!

Bedtime finally came & back he went, then Ma, then me. Another night of worrying. Another night of dreading what the next day might bring.

Will share more as the days go on.

[noteatingfortwo]

Mental Load

I used to be a person. I used to be fun.

Now I'm just a mum. My identity consumed by the crushing mental load of having to look after and out for two little ones whilst managing a household and also wondering why I don't have more time in the day to look out for myself and indeed enjoy maternity 'leave' given I'm not in full time paid employment.

I recently discovered the term 'mental load', words that finally seem to do justice to the invisible work load.

There’s cognitive labour – which is thinking about all the practical elements of household responsibilities, including organising playdates, shopping and planning activities. Then there’s emotional labour, which is maintaining the family’s emotions; calming things down if the kids are acting up or worrying about how they are managing at school. Third, the mental load is the intersection of the two: preparing, organising and anticipating everything, emotional and practical, that needs to get done to make life flow. This hidden work is hard to measure, because it’s invisible and performed internally, making it difficult to know where it starts and ends.

When you have kids, the mental load increases tenfold. The thinking is all consuming, leaving exhaustion and a struggle to remember who you were, are and can be in the wake.

From the moment of consciousness in the day, the brain is a whirr of thoughts, 99% of which aren't about looking out for No.1.

What shall I cook for lunch? What do I cook for dinner? Must defrost the meat or maybe just have prawns. Must make sure Laelynn eats her vegetables, she was a little constipated. Need to remember to order some tomato paste from Ocado next time. Must remember to give Laelynn her vitamin. Need to apply emollient on Caitlin. Oh and remember those Vitamin D drops. Maybe we can do some baking today or arts and crafts. But she hasn't done her workbook in days. No wonder she can't write the alphabet properly, what if she is behind in class. Need to wash Caitlin's clothes today. And put away the other load. And order a present for Jacob. And Sofia. And other Sophia. And help Laelynn to finish the card. And think of something to bring to Van's. Maybe a housewarming present. Ugh is Laelynn eating too much sugar? House is an absolute mess, but what are the chances we bump into her friend outside our house. F*** it, just invite them in, we did bake cookies this morning. F*** now it is even more of a mess. Plus I have to cook dinner. And hold Caitlin. Why doesn't she sleep in her cot. Is it me? Did I condition her to become like this?? Laelynn refusing to tidy up again, is it me? Did I make lazy kids, she definitely needs more discipline. I want her in bed by 7pm too. Refusing to eat the dinner I made, sounds about right. A nutritious balanced meal just left there on the plate. Here I am again, eating dinner I cooked on my own. Why do I bother. F*** now I'm turning into my mum, naggy and anal about everyone eating dinner whilst it's hot at the table.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this. Do homosexual couples have the same imbalances? It seems optional for the other party. Asking for help from my 4 year old is like inviting tantrums and hearing her irritating responses which are a carbon copy of me (even more to my annoyance), just sometimes for her co operation in dressing her, brushing her teeth, tidying up her toys. Asking my 11 week old to just help me out a little by sleeping a nap or bedtime in her cot is just met with screaming and crying as if I am torturing her.

Who can I turn to?

[doyoueverfeelme]

04.04.2024 - 2128 - King of Losers

Yes, thats me. king of the losers. i lost everything. i lost. im the loser. i have this aching pain in my chest, now that i accept, i lost. im a loser. i lost so hard in love. i even lost count of how many times i lost. am i ugly?

i'm listening to karma police now. i couldnt find a song named king of the losers but maybe i should make that song myself. as soon as i got my dj set, i will make a song named king of the losers.

im horrible, horrible, horrible, feeling horrible, horrible,horrible. why why why.

no answers, no help again. im back to my 16. i was seeking for help desperately, no one came to help me no one came to save me. now im 24, again im in need of big help. now only difference is that i know no help is coming, no one will save me, now i know so my pain is colder. not as hot as 16. but still hurts. and people make babies. retarded people. who wants to live through all these pain? why would i sacrifice my beloved child by giving birth to it. why would i create another human. to get through all these suffering? cruel and im not gonna be cruel to my own child. so no babies.

im listening radiohead. arabesk rock. lol.

this year, i think i failed 15 relationships. im not sure about the exact number. first one lasted 4 months and i left him in a random they where i understood we're not compatible.

then i find a few narcicst psychos, each lasted 1 month max. then i left them all.

then i fell in love in june, hardest love of my life. i was sure he loved me back, but he left me. then i went to him again, just to see he has a girlfriend now. my heart shattered. why did you ask to be with me again if you have a girlfriend, why do you touch and hug to my soul and rip inside my heart, if youre not gonna love me properly. people are so cruel. im so soft. i tried to kill the soft in me, sometimes it comes back to life. but my soft has to die, so that i can live. i can't survive in this horror world as a kindest softest soul.

then this asshole, i just learned that he has a girlfriend too and wants to be with me as well, this asshole is someone i know for 5 years. i left him too. i dont think looking back after this point ever.

no body deserves my greatness. but im so alone. so alone. im okay with being alone, but im scared of myself. my mind is trying to drive me crazy. my mind wants to be lost. my mind is scaring me. im scared of myself. im scared of my capabilities. all therapist are retarded losers and they all suck. i couldn't find a threapist that i trust. i couldn't find someone to be with. i couldn't find good friends. i always thought im the issue but i dont think this anymore. im truly great. maybe i did mistakes, but this is not what i deserve.

is everyone this lonely? do i have to suffer all my existence? i had suffered from my own thoughts since the beginning of my conciseness. i'm strong, very strong. but its so hard. its ripping me apart. this is so so hard.

i keep praying, but god never answers. im not sure if someone hears me, i keep talking to myself. there is no one in and out of me. i keep falling and falling, getting up and falling again. getting up just to fall back again. im so tired of gettin up myself. so tired of holding my own hand. even tired of eating drinking sleeping and breathing. this life is a prison. my mind and my body is a prison. existence is a torture. i can but i cant at the same time. im so sad. so sad. so sad.

my heart is burning like a fire

[milkybleachtea]

its just not fair. i want to be able to enjoy life without depending on little pills i have to take every day. i want to be able to smoke and drink without it worsening my mental state. i want to be able to eat without torturing myself over it. i want to have a tidy room. i want to have a healthy sleep schedule. i want to be able to get work done instead of sitting in front of the same page for hours. i want to be able to shower. i want to have a functional brain. why cant it just work properly.

[malfoysstilinski]

Can you a Draco Smut where he gets bored and literally just decides to make out with and suck your clit slowly like lazily and teases you into an orgasm?

bored | draco malfoy smut 18+

draco malfoy x fem!reader

summary: draco’s bored so he decides to eat you out

warnings: 18+, smut, oral (female receiving), degradation?, really cute boyfriend!draco

word count: 2.1k

For some reason, lessons today felt like they had dragged on for far too long. Snape’s monotone voice had only drowned you deeper into a pit of boredom from where you sat at the back of his DADA lesson during the last period of the day, hoping that time would just speed up so you could spend your Friday evening with your boyfriend.

And finally the time came where Snape eventually dismissed the class, but not without a pile of homework and a stern message about the N.E.W.T exams quickly approaching. You didn’t even want to think about any of that right now; N.E.W.T level DADA would be the death of you, you were sure of that much.

“Come on pretty girl,” Draco whispered, his arm tucking around your shoulders, your head leaning on his shoulder slightly as you left the classroom. “You can nap in my room, or read - whatever you want.”

You smiled at that - you loved Draco’s room. He was a prefect, not to mention a Malfoy, so he got special privileges; one of them being a room all to himself. His double bed was far comfier than the single you had in your dormitory, which was where you found yourself five minutes later.

Your robe had been ditched; chucked somewhere onto the floor before Draco could even enter the room. You collapsed onto his bed, lying horizontally across the bottom half and staring up at the ceiling as you heard a huff come from Draco. You craned your head in time to see him swipe your uniform off the floor.

Draco didn’t even bother to scold you anymore - no matter how many times he said it, you always forgot his ‘nothing but feet on the floor’ policy. It sort of surprised you when you found out how tidy he was — much more organised than you, who couldn’t even be bothered to take your shoes off.

You wiggled your legs which were dangling off the end of the mattress and Draco rolled his eyes, finishing folding your robe and placing it on the back of his desk chair before moving over to your feet. His hand grabbed the back of your heel and he began to undo the laces of your school shoes, staring at you in amusement.

“You have me running around like a House-Elf for you,” he huffed.

You grinned up at him, lifting your head so you could see him properly. “I know,” you chirped.

Draco finally got both your shoes off, your toes wiggling in your tights as they thanked you for finally releasing them from their tight confidements. You watched your blond boyfriend move around the room to place your shoes neatly by the door before he peeled his robes and shoes off too, putting them away also tidily.

“You’re lucky you’re pretty, darling,” Draco muttered, shooting you a look as he climbed onto his bed, his back against the headboard as he grabbed his book off of the bedside table. “You gonna sleep?”

“No, just lay here,” you murmured back, your fingers fiddling with the detail of his silk bed covers. “I just want to… reflect on my day.”

“Oh, that meditation thing you’ve been doing?” Draco hummed, not lifting his eyes from his book as he stretched his legs out, them resting by your head from where you were curled up at the bottom of his bed.

“Reflecting is not necessarily meditating, Draco,” you reminded him for the hundredth time. “Just because you have no thoughts whatsoever.”

“I have no thoughts?” Draco glanced over, raising his eyebrows at you.

You giggled. “Yeah - I bet it’s just lift music in your head.”

“Lift music?” Draco repeated, confused.

Your eyes lit up - another fact you could give him. You loved how confused he looked whenever you told him about the other world he had grown up despising. You adored the way he asked questions and pretended not to be interested sometimes.

“A lift is a Muggle invention. It’s a metal box thing that replaces stairs sometimes; you get in, press which floor you want and it takes you up or down,” you explained to him, “And there is music inside it sometimes. And it’s really slow and…” You noticed the weird look on Draco’s face, your voice fading away. “Never mind.”

“I don’t get it,” Draco hummed before turning back to his book.

It made you giggle and shake your head. You closed your eyes soon after, just thinking. About Draco, about the homework Snape had set you, the Hogsmeade trip you planned to go on with Pansy next weekend…

You can feel his eyes on you.

Your own peel open and you turn to face him. “What?”

“My book’s shit,” he admitted.

“You’re halfway through it.”

“Yeah, and it’s shit.”

You frowned, your eyes moving from his face to the cover of said shit book. “I recommended that to you,” you pouted slightly.

“Which is why, as you can see, I’ve tried to like it - but I can’t,” Draco said, placing the book back down onto the bedside table. “It’s boring. And I’m bored.”

“How?” You cocked an eyebrow at him. “Classes literally ended twenty minutes ago max.”

Draco shot you a look. “So? I’m still bored.”

“Too bad, I’m -”

“You’re meditating, I know.”

“It’s not - Ugh, whatever. Yes, I’m meditating, so leave me alone,” you replied, rolling your eyes before closing them yet again.

There was more silence. Draco seemed to respect your wishes, not saying another word. All you could feel was the silk sheets beneath your body, all you could smell was Draco’s scent and the fresh fragrance of his bed covers, and all you could hear was the sound of your breathing and Draco’s - as well as the sound of him adjusting himself on the bed a little bit.

You wished you could stay like this forever. After the long day you’d just had, this was the perfect way to end it. Maybe some cuddles from Draco would make it better, but that could come a bit later, maybe after dinner.

Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt a weight above your legs. Your eyes cracked open and you glanced down, your brows furrowing at Draco. He wasn’t even looking at your face, he didn’t say a word, but he reached for your skirt and flipped it above your stomach, pulling your tights and panties down in one go.

“Draco -” You were cut off by his cold finger sliding up through your folds.

“Shh,” Draco muttered, still not even glancing at you, too focused on what was between your legs. “Go back to your meditating. I’m just… entertaining myself.”

You couldn’t complain with that. You found yourself complying, your head tilting back so you were facing the ceiling, your eyes closing. You weren’t really wet, much to Draco’s dismay, but you soon felt him spitting on your clit and felt it drip down your folds. His fingers slid it around, knocking purposefully at your bundle of nerves and causing arousal to spike through you.

When you felt yourself begin to get wet, your clit throbbing beneath his lazy, aimless touch, you couldn’t help but open your eyes, glancing down at him. He wasn’t even sitting between your legs - just beside you, his hand reaching for your cunt like he was half-heartedly playing some sort of game.

Draco’s silver eyes were entranced by your cunt, his fingers experimenting as they changed direction, moved about, all so agonisingly slow. After a minute of the torturous pace, his eyes flickered up to you and he lifted his hand towards your face.

“Wanna taste?” He asked as if he was talking about sharing food.

You opened your mouth anyway, two of Draco’s fingers slipping inside. You sucked around his digits, your tongue being invaded by your own taste - a taste that Draco insisted he could never get enough of. He pulled his hand away when you were done, looking back down at your cunt and beginning to rub again.

“Draco,” you whispered desperately as he hit the right place.

He glanced back up at you, smirking a little. “Does it feel good?” He murmured, voice deep and barely above a whisper.

“Mhm,” you mumbled back, eyes clenching shut again.

His mouth touching your cunt nearly made you jump. Everything about what he was doing was so lazy, as if he had all the time in the world and he wasn’t there to make you cum but to just satisfy his own boredom and curiosity. Maybe that was the only reason he was touching you like this, but either way, you liked it. You liked the teasing nature of the whole thing, even though it was tortuous how slowly his tongue came out to lick up your folds.

Everything inside you wanted to wither and grab at his hair and tug, begging him to go faster, but you refrained; your hands remained gripping the sheets beside you, your small whimpers that made Draco’s cock hard filling his bedroom.

His mouth was wet, a mixture of his own spit and your arousal, as it wrapped around your bundle of nerves, your back nearly arching as he began to suck softly. Your breath hitched, not used to the aimlessness of it all. It almost felt careless, but his hand on your thigh said otherwise as his thumb stroked circles against your skin.

Your lips pursed together, a moan threatening to leave your mouth as Draco sucked, his aristocratic-like lips working idly. His tongue peeked to swipe across you and this time your stomach clenched, your legs nearly clamping around his head. But Draco’s grip on your thigh tightened a bit in warning.

“Draco, please…” You whimpered, one hand going down to gently grasp at his platinum locks.

His head pulled away with your hand still in his hair, much to your dismay. He leaned his head against your thigh, staring down at your dripping cunt. His finger moved towards it and he circled your swollen clit, feeling your legs tremble slightly beneath him. Then his thumb came out and he rubbed it in small figure of eights, his breath still fanning you from where he used your thigh as a pillow.

“So pretty…” Draco muttered.

You swore if he didn’t start acting like his usual rough self then you were going to start crying. It was agonising, the way he seemed to not care. In a way, it felt degrading - like this was for him and not for you, and it only made you soak his fingers even further.

Draco’s mouth dived back in for your clit. It was like he was making out with it, his lips capturing it and sucking, his teeth grazing it slightly just to hear your small hisses and loud whimpers. His nose nuzzled against your mound, his hands still on your thighs.

When you looked down, all you could see was the slow bobbing of his head. His tongue was unmatched, skillful and taunting, slow and painful, and you would do anything to cum right now. Anything.

You could feel the tightening sensation in your stomach, your brain growing fuzzier and fuzzier as you acted with your hormones rather than your brain. Your hand gripped his hair tighter, your hips rolling for more, faster friction. You half-expected Draco to pull away from you and warn you to keep still, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I’m gonna cum,” you admitted breathlessly.

Draco hummed against you, the vibrations making you cry out a little. You lifted your head back up to look down at him, finding his eyes already concentrated on you as he sucked your clit, rolling the knot between his tongue gently. You moaned loudly.

“Fuck, I’m cumming,” you hissed quickly before your orgasm washed over you.

Draco helped you ride it out, his tongue lapping up every wave of arousal, his hands still brushing your thighs comfortingly. He even groaned around your clit, encouraging you as you rolled your hips, your legs trembling even harder. His name slipped past your lips several times as well as some curses, before you were left breathing heavily on the mattress.

A whine left you when Draco didn’t stop kissing your cunt. “Draco…” You jerked beneath him slightly. “I’m sensitive.”

“I’m bored,” he murmured back as he pulled away, his fingers working at your clit and making you yell out in a mixture of pain and pleasure.

You knew for certain now; this was never about pleasing you, it was always about satisfying himself - and you knew you weren’t going to be let off the hook anytime soon.

TAGLIST: @edithreads @abbott27 @Sweetvnlla @skaratjung @lolooo22 @yyoflam @fjorelaant @cpetrova @bby-gxrnet @draysslytherclaw @dawnmalfoy @miarivi @hpotter3390 @justfangirlthingies @fleurwands @hufflepuffsophie @riddleswh0r3crux @dracosathenaeum @weaselbrownie @Dracoscumwh0re @miraclesoflove @wh0re4blaise @ilovemoviekidd826 @drarrysimp

[krispytidalwavesheep]

Hopes and Dreams III

.I am not entirely sure about this chapter, if I’m completely honest, so I’ll probably rewrite it at a later time. If you want to get added to the taglist just let me know! Thanks for your continuos support with this fic, it honestly gives me so much life right now! *** Chapter 3

“There seem to still be a few things you haven’t seen.” Lady Dimitrescu stated after you reached the sitting room.

“It’s not everyday that you see girls turn into a swarm of bugs. I’ve seen a lot, but I never said I have seen everything.”

“Which brings me to the question that I want answered. What are you? My first guess would be that you are a vampire, like me and my daughters, but I have a feeling that that isn’t true. Sit down please, so that I can take a look at your wound.” Her tone brooked no argument, so you did as you were told and rolled up the leg of your pants. You winced when you saw the true extend of the damage. Even with enhanced healing it would take a few hours to properly heal.

“My biological father was a scientist, who researched a lot of occult and supernatural topics. He was also a massive asshole who thought it okay to experiment on his own baby daughter, so there’s that. I don’t know how, but someone he got his hands on the DNA of some creature no one really has a name for, but I have a guess. The only thing he really knew, was that they are like Vampires, but much more powerful.

He injected me with the DNA when I was four, but nothing happened, so I was deemed a failure. He did all kinds of tests on me, to see if the DNA would activate, but it didn’t. At least not until he tried to kill me. I was no stranger to torture after he failed, but that night I knew he came to finish it. I was 10, and I was scared and angry, so much so, that something in me broke. There wasn’t much left of him after I was finished. 

I’ll spare you most of the details of what happened after, since it is not relevant for what you want to know, and I hate the feeling of being exposed when I don’t know if I can trust the person in front of me. I ran away and my benefactor found me and took me in. I don’t know how, but somehow, he knew what I had become, and he took it upon himself to make sure that I got the best training I could get. I can somewhat use my enhanced abilities, but I am not completely awakened. I’ll get to that part shortly. 

After 6 years I was deemed ready to repay the favor and got sent on a hunt for rare artifacts, as I mentioned earlier. I was free to research my condition whenever the opportunity arose, and I did. I traveled the whole world, met all kinds of creatures and people, yet no one could help me with my predicament. That was until 8 months ago, when I found the first real clue. But that clue came with a price and I have been cursed. 

I still don’t have a name for the creature that I have become, but I found an old text that explained a lot to me. My kind won’t fully awaken until they bond themselves to another being, that has roughly the same power that we have. That’s where the curse made things more complicated: If I try to bond with anyone that isn’t my destined mate, I will die. Slowly and painfully. 

And if that isn’t enough, the curse took the ability to sense my mate away from me, at least in the traditional sense. Usually, we will know our mate by smell alone, for their blood will sing to us like nothing else ever could. We would feel a strong pull towards them, and they to us, for our blood will be just as exquisite to them, as theirs is to us. The curse took that ability away from me, and now I am destined to walk the earth, waiting for my mate to find me. 

Another side effect is what I call ‘boiling blood’. When I feel threatened enough it will activate and temporarily awaken me. I can’t control it though, and that is the problem. It only happened once so far, and that was when someone I care a great deal for, got hurt. But I have it under control for the most part. I just don’t like it when people I care about get hurt, I lost myself even before the curse happened. And I do understand if you deem me to dangerous and kick me out of the castle. You wouldn’t be the first one.” You ended lamely and sighed. It always took a lot out of you when you talked about the past. 

“You mentioned that you have a theory about what exactly you are?” Alcina asked and gently patted your dressed wound. You suppressed the gentle shiver that wanted to roll down your body and said, “I think I am a Vampire, but one of the first generation.”

***

“And what makes you think that?” Alcina asked carefully. You pondered that for a moment, her eyes never leaving you. She could see that it took a toll on you to tell her all that, and she could understand that. Admitting what had happened couldn’t be easy, especially when there was the possibility that you would be thrown out or worse. Alcina didn’t plan on doing either of those things though, and she would tell you soon enough. An idea was forming in her head.

“I read a lot about vampires and had my fair share of encounters, none of them as nice as the one with you, so I figured it must be something like that. Whenever a Vampire turns someone, a miniscule part of their DNA gets implanted in the one they’ve turned. That is why your Maker will always be stronger than you. But since I got way more DNA with fathers’ experiments, it could mean that I am the first person who got turned into a Vampire of the first generation. And if not first, then second, which would still be infinitely more powerful than a Vampire of third or fourth generation. Although I can’t be sure, since I destroyed everything that could give me a clue, when I killed my father.” You said silently, looking at the floor. Alcina couldn’t help but feel pity for you. A bad hand was dealt to you, and you just tried to live your life. She also admired how strong and confident you were, even after all that had happened.

“I have an offer for you.” Alcina said and put two fingers under your chin to make you look at her, ignoring your blush.

“Stay here. You have nowhere else to go, right? You fascinate me and I want to know more about your abilities if you are willing to show me. And I could use a hand to help me in the castle’s upkeep. But make no mistake, my dear. As soon as you show me that you become a threat, I will dispose of you. What do you say?” Alcina asked, but she knew your answer already. She could see it in the softening of your eyes and the spark of hope that flickered in your eyes. You gently nodded and gave her the most brilliant smile she had ever seen. Both of you briefly wondered where that feeling of trust came from, you more than Alcina, but for the moment it was enough.

***

A weird sense of coming home fell over you, when you looked into her eyes, that had gentled with your consent. She could probably kill you with a snap of her fingers, but somehow you got the feeling that she wouldn’t. Most people feared you when you told them what you were, not all of them humans either. But she gave you the feeling of safety, no matter what your nature was, and you wondered. Could she be the one that was fated to be with you? Or was that just wishful thinking, because she showed you kindness where everybody else would only show you fear and hatred? You were immensely attracted to her, that’s for sure, but could she be the one? 

“I want to see the full extend of your abilities as fast as possible if you don’t mind. If it is alright with you, I would arrange a little sparring session between you and my daughters.” Lady Dimitrescu said and took a seat on the chaise lounge in front of you. 

“I wouldn’t mind. It has been far too long since someone has offered me a challenge, so I will gladly accept, my Lady. My wound should be fully healed by tomorrow, so we can start first thing if you’d like,” you offered, eager to show her what you were capable of. Maybe she will keep you around for longer if you show her that you would be a valuable asset to her castle.

“I would like that very much, my dear. But now is time for you to eat and rest, as it is rather late. The day has been rather long and eventful, not just for you.”

“Of course, my Lady,” you smile and as if on cue, the door to the sitting room opened and one of the daughters entered the room with two plates. You hadn’t even realized how hungry you were until the smell of the food hit your nostrils. The two of you ate in companionable silence, and soon enough it was time to leave her presence for the night. 

The guest room she showed you was like nothing you have ever slept in before. You were used to all sorts of places to sleep, but never have you seen a bed so big and comfortable looking.

“Good Night, my dear. I hope you sleep well,” Lady Dimitrescu said and left you to your own devices before you could answer her. You dressed down to your tank top and shorts and fell into a peaceful slumber as soon as your head hit the pillow.

***

When you next opened your eyes, you were surrounded by the familiar darkness of your dreamscape, yet something felt different. You could sense a presence at the edge pf your consciousness and soon enough, a gentle voice spoke to you “So you finally found her.”

“Huh?” you asked into the darkness, chills running down your spine. The voice giggled and a shadow crept into the edge of your vision, which soon turned into a girl, that oddly enough, had somewhat of a resemblance to you.

“Who are you?”

“You’ll have to find that our for yourself. But what matters is, that you have finally found her. My Alcina,” the girl said and looked close to tears, although she was still smiling.

“Don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think that Lady Dimitrescu belongs to anyone.” You said, defensive of the Lady. That made the girl laugh again, and you couldn’t get over the fact that she looked so much like yourself.

“You are right. But she was mine, as I was hers, a long time ago. Listen, the castle’s magic is strong, but not strong enough to give me enough time to explain everything. Just trust me, okay? Stay by her side, no matter what. Protect her. But most important: Take care of yourself. She lost us too many times already, but maybe you are the one that will break this hellish circle.” 

“I-I don’t understand!” you said desperately, trying to reach for the girl, but she was already fading.

“We will speak to each other again when the time is right. Until then, remember my words. Please protect her. Do what we couldn’t do and survive.” Were her parting words before you awoke, drenched in cold sweat. What the fuck was that?

But no matter how hard you tried to grasp at your dream and its implications, you felt your consciousness fading and fell back into a deep slumber.

***** Taglist: @imdreamingblo @x-x-trixxster-k-m-w-x-x

[aviesims]

Rhys gently raised Valentine from the ground and she could feel the time for the ritual was coming close with the way he seemed to suddenly rush. He still took the time to gently explain himself.

"This is what you don't understand. I... I am not living right now. My life is only a play pretend with all these potions and mixtures I torture myself with just to achieve a sliver of what everyone else has." his voice cracked, thinking about the life he endured. "I haven't been to sleep for so long. That's why I was so surprised when I passed out that first night we met, you saw how painful even that was for me."

Valentine remembered thinking he was poisoned and how much he suffered physically. She couldn't say anything against that and Rhys continued. "My body will not let me do anything. I can't even eat food. It burns my tongue and makes my skin crawl and I feel sick. I only crave blood." Valentine couldn't help cringing when she heard him mentioning blood, he gave her a knowing look.

"I can't even feel my skin properly. It keeps me from being hurt but it also keeps me from everything else. I am not stoic and cold in nature. This god awful curse is what makes it so." Rhys' life seemed more and more unbearable as he went on, Valentine wanted to stop him as she could see how much it hurt him to even talk about it. "I can't stand sunlight, even if I- even with all those solutions my body rejects it. I feel weak, dizzy and get this crazy headache."

"I'm tired of fighting through all of that. I am doing this for me. I need this. Even if it gives me a moment of true life back and then it fails, I will have no regrets." He looked like he meant every word of that as he put her hand on his chest. "I want to feel you the way I'm supposed to. I want to feel my heartbeat, I want you to feel it too. I want to live like that or I don't want to live at all."

Valentine reached up to kiss Rhys. This time accepting his goodbye but also hoping he succeeded. He needed her support so she would give him that even if it killed her. "I will be waiting for you here, alright?" Valentine hoarsely said, keeping herself in check as much as possible. "Please make it work."

"Alright. I... I am- Nevermind." Rhys interrupted himself mid sentence. "I'll tell you when I get back."

[aghost-writer]

Love Me

Chapter 3

Don't Leave Me

His abdominal organs are ruptured!

We'll begin operating immediately.

Where is this place? I thought I was on a date with Miss Rize.

Prepare for organ transplant.

Without the consent of the next of kin? Organ? Next of kin? What exactly are they talking about? Dr.

Kano!

I will accept full responsibility! Transfer her organs into him!

It's warm. Why?

Kaneki opened his eyes. Now one of his eyes was like Rize’s. He could hear the beeping of the hospital machines. He closed his eyes and succumbed back to sleep.

The next time Kaneki opened his eyes. He felt a weight on him. He glanced down. His (Y/N) was laying on him. He blushed Wait his (Y/N)? Yes, his (Y/N). He raised his hand to play with her hair. It was as soft and silky as it looked.

(Y/N) shifted and raised her head. She yawned and rubbed her eyes.

She’s so cute. And all mine.

She smiled at him so sweetly as tears filled her eyes.

“You’re awake”, her voice trembled.

“(Y/N)? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Why are you crying?”

Kaneki was franic. Why was his (Y/N) crying? What did he do?

(Y/N) didn’t speak. She simply wrapped her arms around Kaneki. Though it did take her to basically crawl into Kaneki’s lap. Damn her shortness. Her tears soaked Kaneki’s hospital gown.

Kaneki’s face went red. He couldn't believe that his (Y/N) was in his lap, giving him a hug. Oh god. She smelled so good. He could just eat her up.

(Y/N) started to pull away.

Kaneki wrapped his arms around her.

“Don’t leave me”, Kaneki cried desperately.

He couldn’t let her go. Not now. Not ever. Not when he finally had her to himself.

(Y/N) readjusted herself to fit better on the bed. She shook off Kaneki’s clinginess because he had been in the hospital for a few days. She settled down on the right side of Kaneki. Her legs were slightly overlapping Kaneki's legs. Sleep was rapidly luring her in. Her sleepless nights were getting to her. She laid her head down on Kaneki’s shoulder and closed her eyes. She couldn't help but feel safe by Kaneki’s side. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes.

Kaneki blushed as he gazed at (Y/N)’s form. He was so lucky. He tightened his arms around her. Nobody could have her.

He closed his own eyes. He let (Y/N)’s slow breathing pull him to sleep.

Kaneki awoke a few hours later. He glanced to where (Y/N) was supposed to be.

(Y/N) was no longer by his side.

Kaneki looked around frantically. He saw only her jacket.

Where had she gone? Was she okay? Was she safe?

He needed her by his side. Need her now.

His eyes noticed a tray of food in front of him. He saw a note that had his (Y/N)’s handwriting on it. He picked it up to read.

"Hey Kaneki!

Sorry I left without saying goodbye. You were just so cute sleeping that I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up. Sorry for falling asleep on you. Paranoia does that to a person. Anyway, make sure you eat some food. Hide came to get me. So don’t worry about me. I’ll make it home safely. Afterall Hide will be there to protect me. See you later!

Love, (Y/N)

P.S. Don’t worry me like that again.”

(Y/N) thought he was cute? (Y/N) was worried about him? She is so cute! And so sweet for writing a letter to him. However: the word paranoia bothered him. Was she not safe? Was someone messing with her?

Kaneki frowned at the mention of Hide.

Stupid Hide. (Y/N) would still be by his side if Hide hadn’t interfered. If Hide kept taking his (Y/N) away, Hide would have to disappear.

He picked up his chopsticks to take a bite of food. It tasted disgusting. Kaneki was quick to spit the food out onto a napkin. He couldn’t stomach anymore of the food.

He heard the door open. Kaneki pulled the blanket over him. If it was (Y/N), he didn’t want her to see him like this.

A nurse entered the room.

“Mr. Kaneki! Is this all you're going to eat? Oh, right. Your friend came by again today”, she spoke.

Friend? (Y/N)?

Not long afterwards Dr. Kano entered the room. The nurse left the room.

“How are we feeling, Kaneki?”, the doctor asked

Dr. Kano gestured for Kaneki to open his shirt. He placed his stethoscope on Kaneki's chest. The doctor hummed before pulling back.

The door opened, and (Y/N) stepped in. She blushed when she saw Kaneki’s semi-naked self.

“I’m sorry”, she stuttered before turning away to leave.

“No wait! (Y/N)”, Kaneki cried.

(Y/N) halted.

“I am not turning around until you are properly dressed”, the girl stuttered.

Kaneki looked down at himself confused. He blushed when he realized that (Y/N) saw him half naked. He yanked his gown closed.

Though in reality, he wanted (Y/N) to look at him when he was dressed like this.

“I-I am decent”, Kaneki stuttered out.

(Y/N) hesitantly turned around.

“I came back for my jacket”.

She couldn’t look at Kaneki. Her face is still red.

Kaneki glanced toward (Y/N)’s jacket.

“Stay with me.”, Kaneki asked.

(Y/N) blushed even more.

“K-Kaneki”, she stuttered surprised.

“I mean-I’ll need help after I get discharged”, Kaneki explained.

(Y/N) nodded in understanding. She walked past the two men. She picked up her jacket and stood towards the side so she wouldn’t be in the way.

Kaneki moved over and gestured for (Y/N) to sit with him.

“You can sit here so you don’t get tired standing.”, Kaneki suggested.

(Y/N)’s blush deepened, but she did not turn down Kaneki's offer. She moved to sit by him.

Kaneki turned back towards the doctor.

“I hear you haven't eaten anything since you were admitted, but there doesn't particularly seem to be anything wrong though.”, the doctor said.

“I feel okay. My sense of taste is off”, Kaneki said.

His hand found (Y/N)’s. He held it tightly

(Y/N) didn’t pull away so Kaneki counted it as a win.

“Sense of taste? Care to explain”, the doctor asked.

“Everything tastes disgusting to me”, Kaneki explained.

The doctor hummed before smirking a little.

“That could be psychological in nature. It was a pretty serious accident, after all.There's no need to rush to rush yourself. Take all the time you need to heal.”, the doctor spoked.

The doctor stood up and left.

It wasn’t long before Kaneki was discharged.

(Y/N) and him left the hostipal together.

“Nothing particularly wrong? It almost seems like the events of that whole day with Miss Rize were something that never really happened. But one thing is for sure. Ever since then, something has been something has been strange.”, Kaneki thought.

(Y/N) reached over to squeeze Kaneki’s arm.

“You okay Kaneki? You are worrying me”, his (Y/N) asked.

“I’m fine. Just ready to be home”, he replied.

(Y/N) let her hand slipped into Kaneki’s hand.

Kaneki blushed. Her hand was so warm.

From a distance, two very different ghouls watched the couple.

One regretting not killing Kaneki the first time. And the other ready to torture Kaneki.

Unknowingly having eyes on them, (Y/N) and Kaneki walked to Kaneki’s place.

~~~

The two arrived at Kaneki’s apartment. A bag was hanging on the door. Kaneki picked it up so he could read the note.

"Kaneki! Congratulations on your discharge! Presenting some leftover high-quality ingredients from my place, along with your favorite hamburger.

I hope you appreciate it! Wah-ha-ha!

P.S.

When you're up to it, come on back to school.

It's rough here on my own.”

“I see Hide gave you leftovers. I’ll put them away.”, (Y/N) offered.

Kaneki handed her the bag.

(Y/N) went to the kitchen and started to be everything away. She returned shortly.

Kaneki had flopped onto the bed. His eyes were closed.

(Y/N) smiled. She pulled the covers over Kaneki. She leaned down and kissed his forehead. She turned and left but not before writing Kaneki a note.

It was dark when Kaneki opened his eyes again. He sat up and felt something in his hand. He has crumbled up the note (Y/N) had left him.

“Sorry to leave you without saying goodbye again. I went home by the way. Take care of yourself and call me if you need me.

Love, (Y/N).

P.S. You are cute when you are sleeping

P.S.S I know I already told you that but I wanted to tell you again.“

(Y/N) was so cute. Kaneki brought the note to his nose. It smelled like her. His mouth watered. He began to have a visitor. Kaneki blushed. He was such a pervert. He was so dirty. Kaneki couldn't help but wonder what (Y/N) would say if he knew this happened from her scent alone.

Kaneki flipped on the television in ordered to distract himself. He wasn't paying attention to the news report that was airing though. His mind on (Y/N).

“A ghoul doesn't have any need to eat this much in this short amount of time in the first place. One dead body will allow them to survive for a month or two”, Mr. Ogura said in the news report.

“Mr. Ogura, can't ghouls be satisfied by eating the same food as humans do?”the spokeswoman asked.

Kaneki’s attention focused on the news report.

“No, ghouls are only able to derive their nutrition from people. It could be detrimental if they are anything else.Not to mention that their tongues work differently than ours do. When they eat human food, it tastes incredibly awful to them.”, Mr. Ogura continued on to say.

“Their tongues work differently than ours do It tastes incredibly awful to them”, echoed in Kaneki’s head.

Kaneki shot up from his bed and towards the kitchen. He tore open the hamburger bags. He raised the hamburger to his mouth and bit it. He couldn’t hold it down. He covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom. He throw up the food in the toilet.

Oh, no Oh, no.  

Kaneki started to devour food after food and drink after drink. He ran to the bathroom each time to throw up the food into the toilet. He squirted condiments and poured soda down his throat. He had tears in his eyes as it all came up and into the toilet.

He broke some plates before breaking down. He sobbed on the floor. How was he supposed to take care of himself like (Y/N) wanted? She was going to hate him. If he couldn’t take care of himself, how could he take care of her?

His hand gripped a hamburger steak bag.

“Presenting your favorite hamburger.”, Hide’s voice echoed in Kaneki’s mind.

Kaneki stood. He got out a lot of water and started to cook the food.

“Hide... Did you go out and buy this just for me?”, Kaneki thought.

He finished cooking. He brought a piece of hamburger to his mouth. His hand was shaking. He ate it. Tears streamed down his face. The fork clanked against the plate of food. Kaneki sank to the floor.

“This can't be happening. “

Kaneki’s phone started to buzz. It was Hide. Kaneki clicked denied. He couldn’t talk to anyone. Not even (Y/N). Well maybe he could talk (Y/N). He could definitely talk to (Y/N).

~~~

Hide watched as his call to Kaneki went to voicemail.

“Friend of yours?”Nishio Nishiki asked Hide.

He typed on his computer.

(Y/N) entered the room after going to the bathroom.

“I’m back”, (Y/N) said.

Nishiki looked at her. He glanced over her body and licked his lips.

”Yeah. He was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but I can't reach him. I went to see him several times, too, but he didn’t want any visitors.”, Hide continued on.

“That’s strange,” (Y/N) piped up as she moved a box.

Both men looked at her.

“I visited him a few times. Well I fell asleep on him once so I don’t really count that as visiting. I even took him home after he was discharged. He was asleep though when I left. Maybe he is still asleep.”, she continued.

Hide’s eyes narrowed. Was Kaneki trying to take (Y/N) away from him?

Nishiki didn’t like the sound of that. Even if he had just met the girl, he was still so attached to her. He should check out this Kaneki guy.

“Hmm If it were me I'd cut off ties with anyone as rude as that.” Nishiki said as he stopped looking the girl.

He glanced at (Y/N).

“Not sleeping well”, Nishiki asked the girl.

She handed a box to Hide.

“Not really.”

She picked up another box.

“I feel like someone if watching me”, she slipped while not paying attention to her words.

Both Hide and Nishiki were alarmed. Someone was stalking (Y/N)?

“What were you saying about Kaneki? Hide? Nishiki?”, she asked as she looked back and forth between Hide and Nishiki.

“Kaneki, (Y/N), and I have been best friends since we were kids. I don’t know why he didn’t let me see him”, Hide continued.

(Y/N) and Hide continued to move boxes.

“Best friends. How sweet”, Nishiki smirked.

~~~

“Hello? Kaneki? How are you feeling? I was just at the bookstore in front of the station, and Takatsuki- what's-her-name is doing a book signing, so I thought I'd tell you. Anyhow, give me a call when you're feeling better. (Y/N)’s has been asking about you ”, Hide said in Kaneki’s voicemail.

Kaneki was in bed. He slowly sat up. He slowly got dressed. He then made his way to the book store.

It was drizzling when he got there. He read the sign.

"The Takatsuki Sen book signing is now over."

He signed and turned to leave.

“Kaneki?”

Kaneki turned. And before him was (Y/N). His (Y/N). The rain appeared to make her glow.

She smiled at him.

“May I join you?”, she asked.

Kaneki nodded. He couldn’t speak as he looked at the beauty that was (Y/N).

The two walked in silence.

It wasn’t long before Kaneki’s stomach growled. He started to sniff around. He smelt something so amazing sweet.

“Hungry”, (Y/N) asked.

“We can stop and get some food.”, she suggested.

Kaneki didn’t hear her. He was too busy trying to find the source of the sweet smell. He glanced around. There were too many other smells for him to find the source.

“People People People People Children People People --Woman --Flesh --Girl --Flesh --Man --Flesh --Family --Flesh --Children Boy Woman --Flesh Flesh Flesh --Child Boy --Flesh Flesh --Flesh Flesh Flesh --Flesh Flesh Flesh Flesh!”, echoed over and over in Kaneki’s mind.

He couldn’t take it. He ran and ran while leaving (Y/N) behind.

She called out his name and started after him.

Kaneki was too fast for her to catch him.

Kaneki didn’t stop running until he made it back to his apartment. He slammed the door shut and locked it. His shoes slipped off as he ran to the bathroom. He looked into the mirror. One of his eyes was the same as Rize’s eyes. He whimpered.

“What’s happening to me?”

Rize appeared in his mirror.

Kaneki yelled and slammed his fist into the mirror causing the mirror to shatter.

I know what's causing it!

Transfer her organs into him!

Blades such as knives or kitchenware cannot hurt them.

Let’s see if that’s true. If that's true, then I’m a ghoul.

He scrambled for a knife.  He raised it.

This won’t hurt.

He drove the knife towards his stomach. He screamed as the blade of the knife broke off from the handle and onto the floor. He tumbled backwards onto the floor. He sobbed.

What am I supposed to do now?

~~~

Kaneki stood outside the area where the accident occurred.

“Kill a person take their flesh! And eat it”, Kaneki’s hunger spoke.

Kaneki snapped back.

“What’s gotten into me?”

He started to sniff around. There was a sweet smell in the air. But not as sweet as the Scent from before. Kaneki turned towards an alleyway.

“What is that scent? It's the first time I'm smelling it, but it seems so familiar.  A sweet aroma, like Mom's home cooking.“, Kaneki’s hunger talking.

He could see his mother’s cooking as he started to stagger towards the smell.

“There's something over here that even I can eat! Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!”

Kaneki made turns and moved quickly. He was so hungry. He ran into some trash. He was drooling as he stood up to follow the smell.

“It's close”

Kaneki stumbled on a ghoul and his kill. He watched the ghoul devour the human.

“A ghoul.  A human! How could I have been enticed here by the scent of a corpse?!”his mind screamed.

Kaneki collapsed into his knees.

The ghoul looked up from his meal.

Kaneki sobbed. What would (Y/N) say if she saw him like this? Would she be scared or even sympathetic towards him?

“You're a ghoul. What's the matter? Are you all right? Don’t cry, it’s okay. My name's Kazuo.”, the ghoul offered up.

The ghoul looked at his food and reached down to pull some meat apart from it.

“It's been a long time for me, so I can't share too much with you, but here, eat-- “, he said.

Blood splattered from the ghoul. Some even got in Kaneki.

“Good riddance. Don’t go plundering my feeding grounds. Hmm? I've never seen you before. Why is only one of your eyes red? That's nasty.”, Nishiki spoke.

Nishiki walked towards Kaneki. He gripped Kaneki by the neck and slammed him against the wall.

“Do you think you could hunt on my territory and get away with it?”, Nishiki said angrily.

He was pissed. (Y/N) walks on his territory. He had to protect her.  This one eyed ghoul would eat her.

“I-I wasn't I didn't know I just happened to be passing by”, Kaneki strained.

“Do you think I believe that. Okay, imagine this. (Y/N) is naked and lying on the ground. Then some guy was there with his pants down says to you, "I wasn't doing anything.I just happened to be here.”, Nishiki said as he tighten his grip on Kaneki’s neck.

He didn’t even notice that he said (Y/N). He was too angry to notice.

On the other hand, it caught Kaneki’s attention. This ghoul knows (Y/N)? She’s in danger! He has to protect her!

From above, Touka watched them. She was debating if she should interfere. If she did, (Y/N) wouldn’t be hers and hers alone. If she didn’t, (Y/N) would be hers.

"That's the same as what you're telling me. If someone did that to my (Y/N) , I'd kill the guy. That's why I'm killing you, as punishment for trespassing on my feeding grounds”, Nishiki spoked.

Touka dropped down from her place on the building. She was going to regret this.  Really regret this.

“This isn’t your territory. Which means he wasn’t trespassing, Nishiki. So let him go”, Touka demanded.

Nishiki turned towards her while holding Kaneki up.

“Touka”, he said.

He dropped Kaneki.

Kaneki gripped his neck as he coughed.

“I don’t see what the problem is. I know that Binge eating bitch is dead”, Nishiki argued.

“How does that make these your feeding grounds?  You don’t have any say on the task of distributing the feeding grounds Rize stole. It will be distributed among the weaker ghouls. Just leave it up to those of us at Anteiku.”, she spoke.

Her eyes turned into their ghoulish color.

Nishiki turned towards her.

“Huh?! You know, I still don’t understand why we have to rub everything by a bunch of fence-sitters like Anteiku. I am just reclaiming what is mine”, Nishiki said angerly.

Nishiki started to walk towards Touka.

“Because you were weak”, Touka started off.

“I don’t appreciate being insulted by a punk with a smart mouth. Watch it. You’re starting to piss me off”, Nishiki snapped back.

The two ghouls started to walk towards one another.

“You think I’m scared”, Touka asked.

The two engaged in a fight. They flew to one another.

“You should be”, Nishiki shouted.

Touka passed by Nishiki with ease.

Nishiki was shocked when he got pushed back. He grunted.

“Is that all you got, Touka”, he taunted.

“What for it”, Touka answered.

Nishiki’s eyes widened. Wounds opened on his body and blood splattered out.

He semi-fell to the ground.

“Do you want me to go harder next time?”, Touka asked.

Nishiki grunted. He turned and ran tail.

“Do you want to take your corpse with you?”, she said as she watched him flee.

Kaneki was gasping.

Touka turned her attention to him.

Kaneki reaches out for the corpse. He stopped when Touka stepped over the corpse.

Touka reached down and picked up a hand from the corpse. She offered it to him. She knew that she could use him to get closer to (Y/N).

“You want this?”, She asked.

Kaneki reaches for it before using his other hand to pull his hand back. What would (Y/N) say if she knew he ate human flesh? He hunched over.

“You're not eating? Oh wow, only one of your eyes is different”, she said.

Her eyes widened as she remembered something.

“You're the one who was with Rize. Why weren't you eaten? Then again your eye.”, Touka pretended to be shock.

She knew what happened. However; she wasn’t quite sure how Kaneki survived something like that.

“Please help me! I know you may not believe this, but I'm human. And yet I want to eat that I want to eat it so bad I can't help it But if I do, I won't be human anymore! (Y/N) won’t love me anymore!”, he sobbed hungerly.

His hand reached out once more. He was struggling to keep it at bay.

“If you're in that much pain, then eat.” , Touka encouraged.

Then (Y/N) won’t love you. She’ll only love me.

Kaneki was sobbing as he reached for the hand. He was so close but couldn’t bring himself to take the hand to eat. He hit the hand out of Touka’s hand. It flew off to the side.

“No way! No way! No way! No way! No way! No way! No way! There's no way I can eat another person’s flesh. (Y/N) would hate me!”, he desperately spoke.

Let her hate you.

Kaneki had his head on the ground.

“Killing people.  Killing each other.  I'm not like that! I'm human! I'm human! I’m not a ghoul! I’m human like (Y/N). Her love makes me human”, he cried out.

“This is ridiculous. (Y/N) may be human, but she love belongs to ghouls”, Touka stated.

Belongs to me.

She turned and knelt down by the corpse. She broke some bones to get to an organ. Blood splattered onto her cheek.

“Why not give in already? If you don't have the nerve to eat then I'll give you a hand!”, Touka angrily said.

She turned and ran towards Kaneki. She shoved the organ into Keneki’s mouth. She was doing this for (Y/N) and (Y/N) alone.

Kaneki swallowed.

Touka glared

For (Y/N)...

Only for (Y/N)...

Yanderes

Hideyoshi Nagachika/ Hide

Ken Kaneki/ Eyepatch

Touka Kirishima/ Rabbit

Yakumo Oomori/ Yamori/ Jason

~~~NEW YANDERE ALERT~~~

Name: Nishiki Nishio

Type: Isolating, Violent Status: Alive First Meeting: Don’t Leave Me Nickname: Sunshine Reason: (Y/N) is the center of his world. She is the light in the color muted world he saw. He calls her sunshine because (Y/N) is the center of his world just like the sun is the center of the universe.

Chapter cover was made by vasiadiadein!

[magicaththedemigod]

an extensive analysis of “the song of achilles” by madeline miller

Or: things I noticed and couldn't keep to myself.

Because I just finished reading it and have many feelings about it, I've decided to compile all of them into a very lengthy Tumblr post.

This will be broken up into three parts:

1. Foreshadowing

2. Dramatic (and regular) Irony

3. Fatal Flaws

1. Foreshadowing

Miller does such a delightful job with foreshadowing. The number of quotes I could be spitting at you right now... but I digress. The main job of foreshadowing, especially in a tragedy like "The Song of Achilles," is to set the characters up for their tragedy.

What I like most about how Miller goes about it in this book is that she doesn't attempt to pull a shocking twist out of nowhere; instead, she takes an approach which allows the reader to fully marinate in their despair.

For example, this quote:

Achilles shook his head, impatiently. "But this was a greater punishment for her. It was not fair of them." "There is no law that gods must be fair, Achilles," Chiron said. "And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone. Do you think?"

Let's take a moment and unpack some of this. For context, this is a conversation between Patroclus, Achilles, and their mentor Chiron. They're discussing the tale of Heracles, who's driven to madness and ends up killing his own wife and kids.

From reading the book, (SPOILER ALERT) you know that Achilles' own pride and honor end up forcing Patroclus to impersonate him in order to save the Greek army, and in doing so is killed by Hector. The fact that Chiron directs this question, "And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone. Do you think?" to Achilles, who is left behind after Patroclus' death is such delightful foreshadowing that I almost threw the book across the room when I first read it.

Achilles slumps into such a depression after Patroclus dies (really, after he kills Patroclus with his own fatal flaw), that he even loses the ability to care about his fame or honor anymore. He feels the greater grief, so to speak.

Even after he dies, Patroclus is left behind, unable to rest properly because they never put his name on the tomb. In that sense, Patroclus is then the one left behind, experiencing loneliness and grief.

The book is full of little hints like this, and that's part of why it's almost torture to read as someone who knows how the Iliad goes. As I said before: the foreshadowing in this book is meant to have the reader in pain from the beginning because you know nothing is going to work out in the end.

2. Dramatic (and regular) Irony

Yes, that's right. I'm about to rip into your soul.

Probably one of the biggest parts of classical Greek myths is dramatic irony (the audience knowing something the characters don't). In plays, the ending is almost always announced before the play begins. In fact, the audience most likely already knows the story from previous tellings or just general knowledge. It makes sense that it would be one of the biggest players in "The Song of Achilles."

As usual, let's start with a quote:

His eyes opened. "Name one hero who was happy." I considered. Heracles went mad and killed his family; Theseus lost his bride and father; Jason's children and new wife were murdered by his old; Bellerophon killed the Chimera but was crippled by the fall from Pegasus' back. "You can't." He was sitting up now, leaning forward. "I can't." "I know. They never let you be famous and happy." He lifted an eyebrow. "I'll tell you a secret." "Tell me." I loved it when he was like this. "I'm going to be the first." He took my palm and held it to his. "Swear it." "Why me?" "Because you're the reason. Swear it." "I swear it," I said, lost in the high color of his cheeks, the flame in his eyes. "I swear it," he echoed. We sat like that a moment, hands touching. He grinned. "I feel like I could eat the world raw."

First of all: cute. Second of all: wow, so much pain.

As you know, Achilles is the opposite of happy at the end of the book (well, maybe after they die, but we'll get to that later). Though he swears it here with Patroclus, the two of them make decisions that ultimately lead to their downfall: Achilles decides to abandon the Greeks after they slighted his honor, Patroclus decides to help them even if it means risking his life, and Achilles lets him do it.

So let's talk about dramatic irony. The irony here is that you know, maybe just from this exchange alone, that Achilles isn't going to be the first happy hero. You know there is a war coming, know that Achilles and his famous heel will get himself killed. You might also know at this point that Patroclus will die first and send Achilles spiraling into grief before that happens.

It's painful, truly. Achilles spends his last days in utter agony, wanting to die but unable to kill himself, and Patroclus can only watch on as a ghost (spirit?). Even when Achilles does die and his ashes are put into their urn (seriously, how did any scholar ever think they weren't lovers?), they still have to wait to be reunited.

But there's still more. Consider these lines:

Hector's eyes are wide, but he will run no longer. He says, "Grant me this. Give my body to my family, when you have killed me." Achilles makes a sound like choking. "There are no bargains between lions and men. I will kill you and eat you raw."

Sound familiar? That's right: "I will kill you and eat you raw" sounds an awful lot like "I feel like I could eat the world raw," doesn't it? Another parallel from Miller: one from a time of happiness, the other from a time of extreme grief. However painful it is, I really live for connections like that.

And I've got one more for you:

Achilles shook his head. "Never. He is brave and strong, but that is all. He would break against Hector like water on a rock. So. It is me, or no one." "You will not do it." I tried not to let it sound like begging. "No." He was quiet a moment. "But I can see it. That's the strange thing. Like in a dream. I can see myself throwing the spear, see him fall. I walk up to the body and stand over it." Dread rose in my chest. I took a breath, forced it away. "And then what?" "That's the strangest of all. I look down at his blood and know my death is coming. But in the dream I do not mind. What I feel, most of all, is relief." "Do you think it can be prophecy?" The questions seemed to make him self-conscious. He shook his head. "No. I think it is nothing at all. A daydream." I forced my voice to match his in lightness. "I'm sure you're right. After all, Hector hasn't done anything to you."

See where I'm going with this? I don't think I need to explain this one.

3. Fatal Flaws

That's right, one of the most essential pieces for a tragedy: hamartia. For those who might not know, hamartia is the fatal flaw that ultimately leads to the downfall of a tragic hero or heroine. In every single piece of classical greek writing, if the story is a tragedy, the main character will have a fatal flaw that makes it so.

Take Achilles:

I looked at the stone of his face, and despaired. “If you love me-”

“No!” His face was stiff with tension. “I cannot! If I yield, Agamemnon can dishonor me whenever he wishes. The kings will not respect me, nor the men!” He was breathless, as though he had run far. “Do you think I wish them all to die? But I cannot. I cannot! I will not let them take this from me!”

You probably already know what his fatal flaw is: pride. He needs the fame, needs the glorious memory of his deeds to live on forever, so badly that he is willing to sacrifice his life and what might’ve been a fulfilling and long life with Patroclus out of the limelight. His fatal flaw is what spurs each of his actions in the later half of the book, including the moment where he decides to leave the Greeks to their deaths for slandering him.

Even Patroclus has a fatal flaw: his love for Achilles.

That night I lay in bed beside Achilles. His face is innocent, sleep-smoothed and sweetly boyish. I love to see it. This is his truest self, earnest and guileless, full of mischief but without malice. He is lost in Agamemnon and Odysseus’ wily double meanings, their lies and games of power. They have confounded him, tied him to a stake and baited him. I stroke the soft skin of his forehead. I would untie him if I could. If he would let me.

Though riding into the center of the fighting, especially dressed as Achilles, will make Patroclus the prime target, he decides to do it anyway. And not out of fear for Achilles’s life; he knows how important his pride and reputation is to him, and out of desperation will do anything to keep Achilles from being devastated when it doesn’t work out for him.

(Honestly, this is the part where I start to hate Achilles for doing this to Patroclus... it’s like he doesn’t even consider Patroclus his equal and does everything without consulting him.)

Of course, Agamemnon has a fatal flaw as well. He is like the mirror image of Achilles, so proud and stubborn, righteous and arrogant. However, he is the darker image, the one that revels in taking things by force and, of course, raping women like Briseis. He serves as a poignant foil for Achilles, highlighting all the ways the traits they share can easily become corrupted. It’s part of why this novel works so well.

I hope you all enjoyed this book as much as I did. Truthfully, I did have a few problems with it, but I wanted to trying picking it apart anyway. And if you haven’t read the song of achilles... what are you doing reading these spoilers?? 

[zmayadw]

Evening to all :)

All right, so I finaly did it, the last chapter of my original story is finaly done :) It took me a while, what with the episode 8 being released at that time, and with some other stuff I wrote in the between then and now, but it is done. Well, one more part is left, basicly like an epilogue, wich will be posted in a couple of days, too, but the story itself ends with this one.

Anyway, enjoy, and I wish you all a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 26

Jakes POV

„How is she?“ I asked Jessy as I entered the room. She got her head up from the book she was reading to look at me. „Still the same.“ She said. I sighed, walking to her bed. I took her hand, placing a soft kiss on her wrist. „The doctor was here earlier.“ Jessy informed me. „He said she is doing fine, that there's not any medical reason to be worried about.“ I just stared at her sleeping face. „Then why won't she wake up, Jessy?“ I asked her desperatly. „She will, Jake.“ she said to me, and I turned arround facing her. She smiled at me „When she's ready.“ Four days passed since they operated on her, and I was worried. Maybe Jessy was right, but her words didn't bring me any peace. She collected her stuff, and came to me. „Call me if you need anything. And if there's any change.“ She said hugging me. „Thanks, I will.“ I said, Jessy smiling once more at me before leaving. With Jessy gone, I moved myself lying next to her, leaning my forehead on the side of her head. „Please, Maya, you have to wake up.“ I whispered to her ear „ I can't do this alone, I need you with me.“

I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched, turning my head. That nice nurse from before was smiling at me „Sorry, dear, didn't mean to fright you.“ I must have dozed off. „It's fine“ I said. „Is something wrong?“ I asked alarmed, and she smiled again „No, dear. I just need to change some things, so I have to ask you to leave for a while.“ I turned my head back to Maya, she looked so peaceful. „Dont worry, dear“ the nurse said „I'll take good care of her, just like I did before.“ I turned my look back to her. She smiled so heartedly at me, I got a feeling she had a special liking for Maya. And she did stick up for me when they brought Maya in here, and I refused to leave her and was almost dragged out by security. So I felt at peace to leave Maya with her. „Ofcourse, I'll let you do your thing.“ I said, getting up from the bed. I got to the doors when I turned back to her. „I'm sorry, but I don't know your name.“ I said and the nurse looked at me „It's Doris. Why do you ask, dear?“ „So I can properly thank you.“ I said. „So, thank you, Doris, for everything.“ She smiled wide at me „Oh, dear, you're sweet, and I knew I was right about you, but no need to thank me, really.“ She said and winked at me. I smiled back at her a bit confused before leaving the room.

I went outside, getting coffee and just sat at the bench in front of the hospital. I hated being here again. And seeing her back at that bed once more made me angry. And scared. More scared than the last time. All this uncertainty was driving me insane. If everything is fine like the doctor said, why isn't she awake yet? I was deep into my thoughts, that it took me a while to notice my phone was ringing. „Hey, Hannah.“ I answered the call. „Hi, Jake. How is she? Any change?“ she asked. I sighed „Nothing yet.“ „I'm sure everything will be fine soon, she's a fighter.“ She said reasuringly to me. „I hope so.“ I said. „I don't need to ask how you are“ she said „I can hear it in your voice. Did you eat anything today?“ I could hear the worry in her voice for me, and I could have easily lied, but she would know. „Not yet, I will later.“ „Jake, you can't do that to yourself.“ She said „And I won't let you. I'll be there in 10, and I'm taking you for lunch.“ „Hannah, that's nice of you, but rea...“ she didnt let me finish. „Stop it, I don't want to hear it!“ She almost yelled at me, and it made me smile. She really was worried for me, just like a sister would be. I was still geting used to that, of being someones brother. „All right, Hannah, I'll be waiting for you outside.“ „Good.“ She said „And besides, there is something I want to talk to you about anyway. Allrighty, see you in a while.“ „See you, Hannah.“ I said ending the call. I got up from the bench, taking the last sip of my coffe, heading out from the hospital area to meet with her.

The lunch with Hannah passed mostly with her talking and me thoughtfully nodding and saying a few words. She tried hard to lift my spirit up at least a little, and I was grateful to her, but only one thing could pull me back to normal now. „Just think about my proposal. I know you're worried about Maya, we all are, but just think about it, ok?“ Hannah said to me as she drove me back to the hospital. „Yeah, I will.“ I said back to her. She hugged me tight „Hang in there, and call if you need anything.“ „Thanks, Hannah.“ I said hugging her back before leaving the car. Walking back inside the hospital, I did think about Hannahs proposal. She was moving in with Thomas, and she wanted to leave her apartment to me. Wich wasn't a bad idea, actually. I liked the apartment, and besides, when Maya gets out of hospital, she would be more comfortable there than at the motel. And that one room has a nice big window, she would love all that natural light for her drawing. I chuckled to myself at my thoughts. Not im my wildest dreams was I expecting to be thinking of something like this, ever. But she changed me so much, she gave me hope again. She made it so that I felt like I finaly found my quiet place in all this chaos. She was the missing link I was looking for all this time. She became my everything. I entered her room with a smile for the first time after days. And I froze. Her bed was empty. It felt like my heart actually stopped beating for a moment, panic hitting at me like a truck. What happened? I was gone for a few hours, she was fine, what the fuck happened?! „Jake?“ I swallowed hard, turning my head to the sound of my name being called. My eyes swelled with tears, as hers locked with mine. In a few quick steps I came to her, carefully embracing her in a hug, burying my face to her neck. „Don't you ever scare me like this again.“ I said, unsuccessfully hiding my sobs. „I don't think my heart could take it.“ She released me from a hug, her eyes also full of tears. She rested her palm on my cheek, and I closed my eyes taking a deep breath, relieved to feel her touch again. „I knew you wouldn't leave me, that you'd come back to me.“ I said opening my eyes. She smiled at me, her voice raspy „I could never leave you. Nothing can keep me away from you.“ She kissed me then, the kiss salty from out tears. Doris sighed next to us „Oh, the young love..what a beautiful thing it is.“

Doris and me helped her back to bed and she tapped with her hand beside her for me to join. I got next to her and she rested her head on my chest. „How you feeling, angle?“ I asked her. „Tired“ she said „And in pain.“ „Don't worry, hun“ Doris said „I gave you some 'good stuff' now, it will help.“ „Thanks, Doris.“ She said with a weak smile, Doris winking at her before leaving the room. She stirred a bit, making herselff more comfortable „You won't leave, right?“ she said to me sleepily, the meds Doris gave her starting to work. „Ofcourse not“ I said, kissing the top of her head „You just rest, angel, I'll be right here when you wake up.“ She smiled and fell asleep instantly. I just stared through the window, the feeling of her steady breathing relaxing me. I felt my eyes getting heavier, and before I knew it, I too fell asleep.

Mayas POV

It was early in the morning when I woke up. I felt a bit better, but was still in a lot of pain. Jake was still sleeping. And even asleep, he looked tired, the rings under his eyes showing again. Doris entered the room, smiling at me. „Good morning, hun.“ She wispered to me as she came next to the bed checking on my IV. „'Morning.“ I said smiling back at her. She glanced at Jake „I was right about him after all.“ She said and winked at me. I chuckled silently „You sure wer, Doris.“ „Well, rest some more, hun. I'll be back shortly with your breakfast.“ She said, smiling at me again leaving the room. „What was that about?“ I turned my head, Jake looking at me sleepily.“It's not nice to eavesdrop.“ I grinned at him. „It was kinda hard not to.“ He said raising his eyebrow at me. I laughed „All right, you got a point there.“ He smiled at me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. „It's good to see you laughing again.“ He got serious then „I'm sorry, angel.“ „What for?“ I asked. „For not being there with you.“ he said and sighed „I shouldn't have left you alone. I've let you down again.“ „Hey, that's not true.“ I said „I basicly forced you to leave, so if anyone is to be blamed, it's me then.“ „Even so, but I wasn't there.“ He said. „Jake“ I said softly, and he looked at me „Don't do this to yourself. It's not your fault this happened.“ I could see he was troubled with this. „Who is to say that the same thing wouldn't happen even if you were there?“ I asked him. „I can't, so please, don't torture yourself with 'what if's'. It happened, and I just want to move on, leave it all behind, now that it's finally over.“ He just looked at me „I don't know how you can so easily just move on.“ I sighed „Because, I don't want for it to take over my life. I want to focus on good things ahead of me, not dwell in the past.“ I placed my palm on his face and smiled at him „I want to focus on us.“ He kissed me softly, when Doris voice came from the door „Listen to her, dear, she speaks wisely.“ She said, winking at us. „She sure does, Doris.“ He said, not taking his eyes off me. She came to the bed bringing the food tray. „Now, lets get some food in you, hun. You will need it to get better.“ She said. Jake helped me to sit up, leaning on the pillow, Doris placing the tray in front of us. „I brought some extra, so there is enough for both of you.“ she said and winked at us, before leaving the room. „She sure likes you.“ he said to me as she left. I grinned at him „What to say, I'm just so darn adorable.“ He shook his head at me „And still impossible.“ I grinned even more „Even so, you still love me.“ He looked dreamily at me and smiled „More then you can imagine.“

The rest of my days in hospital passed fast. Jake was mostly with me, making sure to leave me with some kind of entertaintment when he left, either to help with Hannahs moving or for something else. He brought me his laptop, since mine got broken, with bunch of downloaded movies and books on it. Jessy also came to see me as often as she could. I was grateful for everything, but at some point all I wanted was some peace and quiet.

„Are you sure you don't want me to call Jessy to come?“ Jake asked me once more before leaving. „I'm sure“ I said „Don't worry, and don't get me wrong, but some alone time will be nice.“ „Humf, fine.“ He said „But call me if you get bored or anything and I'll be back right away.“ „I will.“ I said and smiled. He kissed me before heading for the doors. „See you soon, angel.“

With Jake gone, the room was quiet again, which was relaxing. I closed my eyes just apprieciating the silence, trying to get some sleep. But the nightmare was back. The images of what happened haunted my dreams repeatedly. Jake noticed it too, but I dismissed his worry quickly every time. He tried convincing me to talk about it with someone, anyone, even if it wasnt him, but I always said I'm fine, that it's not necessary. But he was right after all. I should.

With a sigh, I turned on the side staring through the windown, when a knock came from the doors. I turned, and laughed. A cute teddy bear holding a heart with 'Get well soon!' written on it was smiling at me from the door frame. The person holding it peeped his head behind it and grinned „Hello, gorgeous.“ „Hey, Phil.“ I smiled at him „I was worried you forgot about me.“ I said. He was the only one that hasn't visited me, at least till now. „That could never happen, gorgeous.“ He said walking over to me. „I just...waited for the right moment to come.“ He grinned sitting on the bed next to me. I laughed „So, Jessy informed you it's safe to come now, huh?“ I said raising my eyebrow at him. He grinned even more „Something like that.“ I shook my head „Well, I'm glad you came.“

„You know, my job offer still stands, gorgeous. I would still very much like you to do it.“ Phil said to me after a while. I chuckled „Can I at least get out of this place first? Then we can discuss it further.“ „Ofcours. I just wanted to let you know the offer still stands.“ He grinned devilishly and winked „Just so you don't forget about it.“ I laughed „Oh, don't worry, I never forget about the jobs being offered to me.“ „Good.“ He said and winked again. „Anyway, gorgeous, unfortunately I have to go now. Some of us don't have the luxury to lay in bed all day.“ He said getting up and grinning at me. He stood there for a moment, his face getting serious. He leaned then, embracing me in tight hug „I'm glad you're back with us, gorgeous.“ He said to my ear and kissed me on the cheek before moving from me. I smiled „Me too, Phil, me too.“ I took the teddy and grinned „And thank's for this guy.“ He grinned back „No worries, gorgeous.“ „Hello there.“ A voice sounded at the doors. Phil raised his eyebrow looking at me „Now it really is time I go.“ He smiled once more at me „Take care, gorgeous. See you soon.“ He turned and nodde at the person entering the room „Loverboy.“ Jake did the same walking towards my bed, looking extremely calm, and I was surprised. As they passed eachother, Phil stopped „Hey, loverboy?“ Jake turned to him and Phil's fist colided with his face, sending him to the floor. „Phil!“ I jumped in my bed, wincing instantly from the pain. Phil didn't even spare me a glance, he just leaned down closer to Jake „I told you to take care of her.“ Jake just looked at him, not trying to do anything. Doris bursted to the room „Phil Hawkins!“ she yelled „How dare you come to 'my house' and make a mess?!“ The two just continued to look at eachother, when Phil finaly straightened and turned to Doris with the most wide smile „Sorry, Doris.“ He said walking towards her „I owed him that.“ He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before heading for the doors „Hope I'll see you and the others soon at the Aurora.“ Doris shook her head after him „Schmack.“ She turned to Jake „You all right there, dear?“ she asked him as he got up. „I'm fine, thanks Doris.“ He said and she looked at him „Mhm, sure you are. I'm still gonna brig you some ice for that.“ She said and walked out. „I'm fine.“ Jake said to me seeing my expression. He came and sat next to me. „Thats was very unexpected of you. I was sure you would fight him back.“ I said and he looked at me a bit sad „Well, he was right.“ I sighed „Are we back to that again?“ „What? To me not looking after you? Ofcourse, I will never forgive myself for it.“ Now he sighed desperately „I'm sorry, angel, but I can't just get so easily over it. Maybe with time, but for now it still sits heavy on my shoulders.“ I saw how much all of it still bothered him, and I knew no matter what I might say he wouldn't listen. „All right“ I said after a moment „But, just promise me, you will try to let go off that. For me.“ He half smiled „I promise, angel.“ I pulled him to me for a kiss, and he winced. Doris came back giving Jake the ice pack. „Thank you , Doris.“ He said taking it from her. „You're welcome, dear.“ She said winking before leaving again. I took the ice pack from him „Come here you.“ I said and pulled him to lay next to me. Placing the pack on the spot that was really red by now and started to swell he winced again „Ouch!“. „I'm sorry.“ I said quickly and he grinned at me. „Ohh you, that was mean!“ He laughed „Sorry, angel, couldn't resist.“

„Ready to leave, hun?“ Doris asked smiling from the doors holding my discharge papers. „Definitely!“ I said cheerfuly. She came to me and hugged me „Now, hun, as much as I like you, I hope I'll never see you again.“ She moved from me and winked „At least not in here.“ I chuckled „I hope so too, Doris. And, thank you, again, for everything.“ „No need to thank me, hun.“ She turned to Jake and winked „Now, dear, you take good care of her, this one's a keeper.“ „You can say that again, Doris.“ He said back, and to the surprise of both of us, walked to her and gave her a hug. „And I also thank you for everything.“ He released her, and with glazing eyes she waved her hand at us „Oh, you two..get going now, before you get me even more teary.“ She smiled and squeezed us both on the hand before leaving the room „Take care, kids.“

Feeling the sun on my face as we stepped out from the hospital felt so good. „So, do you maybe want to go somewhere first?“ Jake asked me as we walked towards the car. „I mean, you were in there for quite a wile.“ I smiled at him „Yeah, thats true. But I still feel a bit tired. Maybe tomorrow.“ As much as I appriciated being out, I still needed to rest. But I also wasn't very eager of the thought of returning back to the motel. Not after all that happened there. He smiled back at me „As you wish, angel. We got to the apartment then.“ „Apartment? Not the motel?“ I asked surprised. „Ahm, well yeah.“ He started „I hope you don't mind, but I got all your stuff and took them to Hannah's place.“ He got a bit nervous „I mean, I am staying there now that she's moved in with Thomas. And to be honest, I thought you might feel...less uneasy there.“ I stopped walking, and he turned to look at me. „Everything all ri...“ But I didn't let him finish. I pulled him in a tight hug „Thank you. You have no idea how glad I am to hear this. I so didn't want to go back to the motel. Not after everything.“ I felt tears coming to my eyes. „I know, angel.“ He said, and a sob escaped me. Then another, and another. He hugged me tighter „It's ok, angel, everything will be fine. I've got you now.“ He just held me there in a tight hug, letting me cry on his shoulder, for as long as I needed it.

„Ohh, this room is amazing with all this natural light!“ I squealed as Jake showed me around the apartment. He chuckled „I thought you might like it. Hence that big table there.“ I turned grinning to him „You did this for me?“ „Ofcourse, angel.“ I rushed to him throwing my hands around his neck and kissing him, but winced from the pain in my shoulder. „All right, that's enough excitement for you for now.“ He said ushering me out of the room. He lead me to the couch, made me sit then lifted my feet up. „Now don't move from here unless it's really necessary.“ He said stern with a raised eyebrow. „Oh, come on, that's not needed.“ I said protestingly. He chuckled „Maybe, but just take it easy for a day or two more.“ I was about to protest again, but he looked at me, making such a puppy face that I couldn't possibly say no to him. „Argh, all right, although I feel fine, I'll do it for you.“ „Thank you, angel.“ He said and leaned to kiss me. „Now, can I get you anything? Drink, food?“ he asked and i grinned „Well, I would kill for a coffee.“ He laughed hard „Why I'm not surprised about that.“ He said standing up. „Well, since I'm not allowed to move from this spot, I hope you're ready to indulge my demands.“ I said grinning. He smiled „For you, angel, I'll do anything.“

-------------------------------------------------------------

3 MONTHS LATER

„Just come to the Aurora tonight, Jessy, I will tell you everything then.“ I said to her on the phone, as I entered the apartment. „Fine, be all secretive then.“ She said sulky. I laughed „No need for that tone, you know that won't work on me. I'm still not gonna tell you anything now.“ „Ahhh, fine! See you tonight then.“ „See you, Jessy.“ I entered the kitchen, Jake sitting at the table with his laptop. He smiled „Hey, angel.“ „Hey babe.“ I said going to him for a kiss. „How was with dr. Barret?“ he asked. „It was ok.“ I said sitting next to him. „It actualy feels good to talk about it with someone.“ I smiled „Thank you for talking me into doing it.“ „No need to thank me, angel.“ He said smiling back. I sighed „I hope it doesn't bother you that it's not you that I can talk to about it.“ He took my hand, pulling me from the chair to sit on his lap „I don't really care who you talk about it with, angel. Heck, I wouldn't care if you said you wanted to talk to Phil about it. As long as you get better.“ I laughed „Huh, you know, now that you mentioned it, they do say that barkeepers are a good listeners. So kinda close to psychiatrist.“ I tilted my head and said teasingly „It would definitely be cheeper. And beside, I'm sure Phil wouldn't mind listening to me, me being all vulnerable around him, and..“ „Ok,ok, no need to continue.“ He said quickly interupting me. „You just stick with dr. Barret.“ I laughed „Awww, babe, will you ever be at ease about Phil?“ „Probably not.“ He said thoughtfully. I smiled „Not even now, when I'm about to move in with you?“ He grinned „Not even then.“ I chuckled „You're hopeless then.“ He gave me a quick kiss. „Sooo“ he started grinning again„You think Jessy will be happy when you tell her the news about you moving here?“ „Happy?“ I said, „No, I don't think so.“ He looked confused at me, and I grinned „She will be thrilled.“

A/N: Ok, so after a short, but lovely chat with @lovingstudentangel who got a bit confused with how I ended the previous chapter, with the part of Jake visiting a grave, thinking it was the end of the story, so I want to clarifie it for her, or anyone else who might have been equaly confused. It was his mother grave that he visited, and I used that part as a clifhanger. I hope all is in the clear now :)

[finaledenialist]

Okay, your tags on The Empty Post have showed up in my notes and I have to ask. Tell me more. Tell me it all. All of the feelings and thoughts about that scene because what I’ve seen so far? Absolute perfection and I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you! Okay I basically unloaded most of my thoughts in my tags here but let’s go through this one more time. I may add: this was already said a thousand times by better meta writers than me 3 years ago when season 13 was actually airing. And I will ramble a little about Purgatory, too. Now with that out of the way: 

The Empty. Canonically it is a being, a living immortal being that rules the place or an ‘anti-place’ where angels and demons go are sent to when they die to dream of their regrets forever (this sounds awful and like a punishment for dying despite being immortal, for getting themselves killed or something). Also: the Empty was there before Creation, the Nothingness before Darkness and before Light. 

Okay. But let’s see what other things the Empty represents: lack of anything. Complete nothingness that Cas got sucked into (by Lucifer but also by helping the Winchesters). Now we know that Cas‘I am afraid I might kill myself’tiel had his issues, right (I still can’t believe that we are praising 8x08 thee Hunteri Heroici for being a filler episode with Cas - which is awesome, don’t get me wrong - but we all keep forgetting what he actually did say to Dean there!!! Dean says: are you afraid the angels will kill you if you show up in Heaven? And Cas looks straight into his eyes and says: After all I’ve done, when I see Heaven, I am afraid I might kill myself).

Please remember that it’s not only Dean, Mr. ‘Purgatory was pure’. Cas, after all he did in season 6, after his death in s7, after coming back and being literally haunted by everything he’s done, must have felt that Purgatory was liberating, too. It was some kind of an Alternative Universe where he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. He was free of them. It was literally his escape AND additionally it was (well, according to good old christian lore, maybe not specifically spn lore) a place where you are supposed to atone for your sins so there must have been the feeling of atoning, of making things right without actually doing anything specific, where having to survive and not get eaten by the Leviathans was his main problem (= surviving was just enough, nothing was asked of him), which, compared to all he’s done, wasn’t that hard or difficult. He found himself running away from Leviathans which could mirror running away from consequences of his actions - but it was Purgatory, it was at the same time atoning for what he did. It was EASY.

Cas basically confirms that he officially stayed in Purgatory because he didn’t think he deserved to go back to Earth and that is true but what he doesn’t say is: ‘Purgatory was pure and easy and kill or be killed and no other worries than that, no thinking, no real responsibilities which actually was a nice escape from the real world after all I did and been through in the past 3 years’. He wanted out, he wanted an easy choice. Okay, maybe he wasn’t actively looking for an easy way out but when it presented itself - when they appeared in Purgatory - he took it like a gift. We’re talking about a character who spent all his life following orders, who finally broke free and found himself completely lost in the freedom of choices, directionless and maybe wanted an escape. He must have felt overwhelmed but all this freedom (which he basically confirms in 6x20 freedom is a length of rope and god wants you to hang yourself with it). I COMPLETELY understand that choice to escape. 

So in seasons 8-12 Cas has a lot of stuff going on in his head, he gets lobotomized for most of season 8, he is hurt and tortured and treated like shit for most of season 9 and 10 and he ultimately gives himself up to Lucifer in s11 and then he almost dies in 12x12 and he never really got to talk about all of this or work this things out with anyone because Sam or Dean are not really the most talkative guys and Dean in 10x09 basically tells Cas to ‘let it go and not think about it’ which is a shitty advice to someone who suffers from some mental issues if I am being honest (this is like. ur depressed? oh go for a run and smile and stop being sad!!! kind of advice if you ask me). So these issues only grow and grow and start eating him up and please remember that at the very same time Cas is falling in love. I said it previously but I think the moment he realizes what he really feels is 12x12 when he is dying. In that moment he is able to name this feeling but it’s of course covered by: ‘I love you. I love all of you’. 

Now in season 12 he finally gets a proper arc with Kelly (god bless her, honestly, she and Cas had one of the most healthy relationships ever portrayed on tv and it wasn’t even romantic, I could go off about this but it’s getting really long anyway). So he kind of is on his way to find a purpose again - Dean is saved (from hell, from Michael, from the Mark), so he focuses on Kelly and unborn Jack and maybe in his relationship with her he rediscovers love (not necessarily romantic but he sees how she loves Jack) and he does all he can to protect her from basically everyone including the Winchesters. And he promises he will take care of Jack and then. Then he is killed by Lucifer (shattered at the altar of Winchester because he gets involved in the Apocalypse World because of them while having built something for himself with Kelly and Jack BUT still not having properly processed all his previous trauma). 

Okay, so fast forward: Cas is woken up by Jack in the Empty. He is of course confused and stuff (we still don’t know what was he dreaming about all this time he spent there now that we know this is a place where angels and demons dream about their mistakes and regrets <- fanfiction gap #1). He wakes up, he is ‘greeted’ by the Empty and one of the first things he says is that he has to go back because Sam and Dean need him. 

This is his first, automatic thought - I (probably) don’t want to go back, but Sam and Dean need me so I have to, I don’t want to go back for myself because I never wanted to since Purgatory but I know I have to. He doesn’t even think about Jack in this moment. I... maybe it is a stretch but I sense a kind of fear in these words. It’s like he thinks: ‘if I had the chance to come back and chose not to come back from selfish reasons then if the Winchesters ever find out about this they will be angry at me’. But I might be reading too much into this, but on the other hand Jesus fucking Christ this is precisely what happened in Purgatory. He chose to stay although he had a chance to return and the effect was Dean being mad at him. Talk about trauma--

Then the Empty (who was in Cas’ mind) voices his biggest fears: 

'I know who you love, I know what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant festering disappointment?'

There is a lot to unpack here because this is the Empty’s (who, as stated at the beginning can be read as a manifestation of not only death but also Cas’ depression and self-worth issues) reaction to Cas saying that Sam and Dean need him. She says: uh oh you’re wrong<3 I know who you love, what you fear, the is nothing there for you, sweetie. Essentially: they don’t need you. No one needs you or wants you there. They are better off without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory (of actually being useful as in: saving Dean from hell, helping to stop the Apocalypse, helping to fight the Leviathans) than a disappointment (failing powers, makes mistake after a mistake, chooses to protect the unborn Antichrist rather than killing him before he’s born - and not to make this whole thing worse but this is what Dean has the audacity to say to Cas in 15x03: why if something goes wrong it always seem to be you).

I will now allow myself for some privacy, because I am a person who dealt with these kind of thoughts in my head for years, these are straight up suicidal thoughts: no one needs you, no one wants you, you are a disappointment and if you die you will be fondly remembered, everyone is better off without you. And we know Cas was suicidal because he literally tells us in 8x08 and we have no proof that he somehow got rid of these thoughts, ever. If anything, they were always there, present, if not growing. Thoughts like that don’t just disappear. Please remember one more time what was happening to Cas in seasons 8-11. He wasn’t healing. He was getting worse, while all this time managing to keep his head above water for someone else, while the guilt was rising and rising. 

If the Empty represents all his issues: depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, self-hate, lack of self-worth, and what she offers is: eternal sleep. Maybe not entirely peaceful sleep, but sleep nevertheless, no consequences, no facing your fears, no dealing with anything, an escape, sleep - 

And she prompts him to stop fighting, to go back to sleep because there is nothing to fight for (now the symbolism of him being waken up by JACK who was his new found purpose just before he got killed), but she makes a mistake to confront his thoughts and fears with him. She makes a mistake of taking a ‘physical’ form, putting on his face and voice his fears. And Cas is a warrior and he kind of hates himself, so his instinct was to fight. Of course it was easier not to think about all of these stuff at all, to push it back, to try to forget. But once he was forced to face all of these? He fought back. AND HE WON!!!!! 

WHAT A MESSAGE TO SEND RIGHT?!!! You might have all these issues and not want to face them because you feel you will crush under them but look: when you are forced to face them it turns out you are somehow way stronger than them!!! The moment you choose to fight you already won, you are already saved!!! Because ultimately these are your thoughts and this is your mind and you control it, no one else! The moment you decide, you choose, to take control: you win. You are saved because you chose to save yourself because you decided you are worth saving. And the Empty (and everything she represents) immediately gets angry and lets him go, ultimately annoyed because he dared to defy her and she just can’t win with someone who decides he wants to be free. WHAT. 👏🏻  A.  👏🏻 WONDERFUL. 👏🏻  MESSAGE.  👏🏻

So... Having said all that. There is only one thing left: I have NO IDEA. NO IDEA. HOW HE FOUND THE STRENGTH. TO STAND UP AND SAY THIS:

I'm already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity.

A FUCKING ICON. STRONGEST CHARACTER EVER. YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER--

[wxnholy]

dream a little dream of me [lee hoseok]

warnings: none, slight angst, fluff

pairing: wonho x f!reader

request: none

plot: you stay up late to finish some work and hoseok manages to lure you back to bed (includes some kisses and touches here n there, nothing major)

a/n: i was just imagining wonho from that vid on his channel about his full day of work and he looks like the most magnificent cuddler,,i just couldn't help myself y'all sorry !!

hoseok loved you like you would never even know. the man was obsessed with your smile, the way you walked in his arm and talked to other people, the way your lips parted prettily when he kissed you, and how adorable you looked all cuddled up next to him when it was time for bed.

together, you were known for being quite the sleepers. hoseok was lighter than you were, often getting woken up by even the slightest shift in the bed, hence why you tried your absolute hardest not to move. but he mostly handled that himself, slinging his hand around your thigh to drape it over his waist and burying his head in your chest because you smelled absolutely heaven sent.

but he valued his rest more than anything, often taking naps if time permitted it even if he wasn't tired and most importantly, teaching you how to take them with him.

you were a workaholic. you were never tame unless your work was finished correctly and on time, and always found yourself in distress if it wasn't complete. hoseok never understood that about you, despising it ever since you two first started dating because whenever he begged to see you, you were busy at the computer. and if you weren't there, you were rummaging through paperwork or checking your email.

enough to make him nervous for you.

but he accepted that that was the way it had to be because at the end of the day, his drive and yours worked perfectly together. and you knew what was too much and when to sit back and relax. it helped when he'd come behind you and softly rub your back and kiss your shoulders, asking if you'd like him to cook dinner, or force you to take breaks so that you could sit on the couch and watch tv with him. it was the littlest things that reassured you.

but sometimes, there was serious work that needed to get done.

hoseok was in charge of dinner tonight, not only because it was his turn but because you were busy at the computer on a case that wasn't anywhere near completed. your law firm tried it's absolute best to give you work that acted in your favor sometimes, granting you breaks to spare. yet there were also the torturous weeks of sitting up during the ridiculous hours of the morning because someone needed your help.

and they knew they could count on you because you never rested until your clients were absolutely satisfied. you were special that way. hoseok loved that about you. you were a no nonsense kind of woman.

but he could admit to being just a little worried about how long you were sitting in the same chair since the afternoon. it was nearly eight o' clock and the thought of eating alone for the sixth time that week kind of broke him, but he knew he'd get his time with you because you'd have to come to bed at some point or another.

the man took his time in preparing the dinner that you liked best; a pasta dish with vodka sauce and a red glass of wine.

you continued to work through the hypnotizing scent of garlic and cheeses, noticing the way that your stomach growled but too busy to get up and go check on your boyfriend. your knee shook and by now, your back was starting to ache like nobody's business, but the way you were concentrated at the screen seemed to have dimmed any ounces of pain.

"baby," hoseok was quick to appear at the doorway with concern written all over his face, receiving only the quietest hum from you as your eyes remained fixed on the bright monitor at your desk. the man moved further into the office and caught how your eyebrows furrowed in concentration, typing like a mad woman before leaning against the edge of the desk to watch you.

you were still so beautiful to him.

even in the plain cotton of your shorts and a shirt, you had him hooked, and he thought it was a shame your firm had to be so hard on you. he missed you in more ways than one. by this time, the workload was consuming you, and yet he wanted you all to himself—lips clashed and all.

at the realization that you wouldn't stop your job for him, he grabbed your chin, forcing your eyes to his and seeming quite annoyed. "give me one good reason why i shouldn't put your boss six feet under the ground," you quickly smiled at him and pushed his hand away gently. "it isn't his fault, my love," you sounded exhausted, "this is my job," he let out a huff, clearly fed up with that excuse at this point even if he couldn't understand it.

yet he had it so much easier in comparison to you. he would go to work, come home, and have the rest of the day to himself. probably checking his email once or twice if he really, really felt like it. but the two of you were different. your jobs were different. and you would be lying if you claimed that you weren't at all jealous of the fact that he could come home and do whatever he wanted. but that was nothing to hold against him.

"yeah," hoseok muttered lowly, the dark look on his face telling you that he wasn't believing you or pleased with your state in the slightest. so you decided to prove it, finally standing from your office chair and grabbing him by the neck to pull him into a lengthy kiss that froze him. but he sunk into you as quickly as he regained his sense.

you had nearly forgotten how good his lips tasted after all this time, actually feeling relief from all the exhaustion and tension pent up in your little body. his arms wrapped around you in seconds, his warm, ready tongue meeting with yours as he locked your lips together for a second time.

you couldn't help smiling at him, sensing how needy he was feeling by the way he pulled your hips against him and sighed like he'd finally got what he wanted. but of course, he wanted more, growing disappointed the moment you pulled away, still holding him like a baby and watching him frown from the sudden lack of lip to lip contact. that twitch in his pants was slowly starting to bother him and what you granted was nothing less than a tease.

"this isn't fair," he muttered, dropping his head into the crook of your neck as you kissed his head gently.

"it's nothing we're not used to," the sigh he released just made you hold him tighter, "just give me a few more hours, hoseok. i'll come to bed with you, i promise. but let me work just a little bit more. trust me when i say that i'm almost done."

"but you're exhausted, y/n, i can tell," he countered before you kissed him again, smiling even though he was right. you did want to shut your eyes and fall into him. you did want to take his hand and follow him back into the kitchen to spend the rest of the night at his side and just be done. but you were strong. strong enough to say no even if your body was screaming otherwise.

"i'll be fine," you whispered beside his ear, your voice delicate and almost broken. but he trusted you enough to let you go—that you wouldn't work yourself to death because you had never, ever lied to him.

the grip around your body loosened as he straightened up and gave you a short nod, aiming not to waste any more of your time. he glanced at your full lips once more before brushing past your side to finish dinner, only to feel your cold hand taking his wrist on his way out. the touch made him spin around to look at you. but in truth, you just wanted to admire him. you blushed, realizing you deserved none of him.

"i love you," your hand tightened around his wrist as you spoke, basking in how relieved he looked as he took in the words; his favorite out of your mouth, even more than his own name.

"i love you more, y/n," you blushed again, pecking his lips sweetly before reluctantly slipping your hand from his wrist to return to your desk. the man's eyes remained on you for a while though, probably imagining how wonderful it would be if he could just take hold of something and make time stop just to kiss you again.

but he retreated, returning with a big plate of food and some wine to give you the energy to go on. you smiled beautifully at him as he tipped your head back to kiss you again, settling into the couch in the living room to catch up on all the shows you two couldn't watch together because you didn't have the time. he held a drink in his right hand, lightly circling the rim with his mind set on you and your lips, slowly feeling his body giving out as the night fell later and later.

the phone laying at his side read eleven o' clock at night, making it a full two hours since you two had last spoken to each other. he could see that you were still in the zone from when he came in to take your plate away earlier, asking about how much longer you'd be. but once again, you only promised that you'd be done soon.

so hoseok waited on you some more, fighting sleep to the best of his ability as midnight crept. he got another drink, and another, and another, until he realized that it was only making his exhaustion worse. to the point that staying awake felt practically impossible. so, he checked on you one more time, your eyes still glued to the screen though he didn't call for you this round. you weren't even paying attention to the time. he didn't need to guess to know that that was the truth.

but he didn't say anything.

he turned off all the lights in the house, made sure the doors were locked, washed the dishes, shut off the tv, and did everything either of you would've done on any normal night. though made sure to leave the light in your office on and the door open just a crack. he didn't tell you goodnight because that defeated the purpose. he couldn't fall asleep properly if you weren't beside him.

he attempted reading for a short while after showering and slipping some fresh sweats on but ended up drifting off within the first few chapters, comfortable as always in the bedsheets yet cold—which hoseok attributed to your absence, the lack of presence inevitably waking him up just a few hours later. the lamp at the bedside was still shining, and the clock below it read a bright 2:34 in the morning.

he grew pissed.

he tore the blanket off and stood from the bed, feeling even more cold air engulfing his body as he made his way over to your office for what felt like the millionth time that night. except now, he wasn't taking no for an answer. not anymore. this obviously wasn't healthy for you and if he could, he'd throw you over his shoulder and force you to come back to bed with him.

except the consequences would be movement. tons and tons of it because you'd be restless, thinking of all the outcomes of what a heap of incomplete work could do to you. and those were by far, the worst nights of his life. if you were coming to bed, you'd have to get there yourself. and hoseok hoped that the fuming expression on his face was enough to scare you into submission. normally, it's what did the trick.

hoseok quietly pushed the door back and saw you in the same exact position as before, slowly reaching over to flick off the light switch and almost sending you into a heart attack. your throat grew dry knowing the man was standing in the doorway probably furious with you because you had completely disregarded his wishes. "bedtime," he stated firmly as you sat in the dark, the monitor glowing against your skin and making you chew at your lip.

you glanced at the time in the corner and noticed the horrid hour, sulking in your chair and just for a second, thought of opening your mouth to speak. "i'm not asking this time," his statement had you quiet again. yet for some reason, you wouldn't listen. "i'm so close to being done," you whispered, practically pleading even if your eyes were burning and drained, probably even red.

"i don't care."

"hoseok–"

"i'm not repeating myself, y/n,"

you whimpered at how sore your joints were from sitting in your firm office chair all day, slowly dropping what you were doing and reluctantly pushing yourself away from the desk.

your boyfriend walked closer to you, whispering an apology against your ear and brushing a few strands of your hair away from your face to reveal the dark circles. "forgive me but i just can't handle seeing you like this," he carefully stated, kissing your head. "now go to our room. i'll be there in a second," you obeyed him this time without a second thought.

he straightened your work space and shut off your computer, saving whatever work you were trying to complete before finally feeling the pleasure of shutting the office door behind him, trailing back into the bedroom and doing the same. of course, you were a bit unsettled. not because of anything he did but because you hated when you couldn't finish something, understandably.

you tiredly glanced up at him from the bed, his cool skin soothing you instantly as he touched your face with the back of his fingers and kissed you. "tell me what you want," he continued to caress your cheek, hovering over your body and seeing how you beckoned towards the bathroom. and hoseok knew immediately what you meant.

he pecked your head again, gently laying you back against the sheets to go and get the bath ready for the both of you despite having already been clean. he dipped his hand in to make sure the water was warm enough for you and tested it over and over, using all your favorite soaps in order to make the bubbles. he delicately hoisted you into his strong arms and undressed you slowly, submerging you into the bath first before stripping and joining you in the water.

you fell into him in seconds, your nose pressed against the skin of his neck as he took his time in cleaning you off properly, dozing off quickly due to the warmth. he made sure to be especially gentle with the rag while kissing the crown of your head and listening to the way you breathed slow against his chest. like you were a child.

he kept mumbling apologies into your ear whenever he needed to move you, making his heart ache every time because whenever he rinsed you, you had no choice but to stay awake. to prevent you from getting cold, he wrapped you in a blanket and dried you promptly. he also allowed you to rest on the toilet and massaged the sorest parts of your body as he rubbed your favorite lavender lotion into your skin, kissing you even still.

after pulling one of his shirts over your head and helping you slip on some clean panties, you heard him whisper a 'you're all done' and carry you bridal style to the bed. the moment he finally set you down, it felt like your body sunk into a layer of clouds, growing a smile that hoseok could see as he got under the covers beside you. "thank you, hoseok," was all you could manage as you snuggled into his arms. though he began to hush you gently, wanting nothing more than for you to just sleep because you needed it.

"i love you so much," the last peck he landed to your temple almost had you in tears, bunching his shirt in your hands as you finally shut your eyes. more in love than you could say.

"i love you more, y/n," the lights went off and the rest after that was kind of a blur.

"dream about me," he muttered, smiling against your hair and feeling your heartbeat sync with his.

"always."