#why torture myself over it
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Golden Warden
#mahariel#phier#thefailureartist#dragon age origins#dao#dragon age:origins#da:o#golden foliage#autumn foliage#messy but i was super inspired#and i dont have the patience or to render everything#rendering literally kills my drive to create#im starting to let myself create and if it no longer sparks joy#i stop#it's my art#why torture myself over it#its time to start seperating what i enjoy seeing and what i enjoy doing#because they dont often overlap#dalish warden
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Calm Before The Storm {A Kn8 short story} [Directly inspired by Ch. 117] soooooo...spoilers
Kneeling on a pillow before a low peach wood desk, settled a man. A powerful man with a powerful presence, having long hair and dressed in dark purple robes with woven black silk and kaiju armor, fitting for a high ranking kaiju killer. He continued to write, unbothered by the audience before him. Standing at attention beside the official was a soldier in full regalia, his face obscured into anonymity.
"If that is everything, then everyone is dismised." Soshiro Hoshina, leader of the Hoshina clan, commanded to the squad leaders he had summoned to his personal office.
While the rest had bowed graciously and filed out in-sync, one had decidedly stayed behind against orders. Konomi Okonogi, an lower ranked advisor to the clan had stood unshaken before the forth son of the Hoshinas. She was waiting quietly for him to acknowledge her on his own. A small moment passed, filled with the quiet swishing and slicing of a stiff brush gliding over paper. The soldier, noticing that the advisor hadn't left had also noticed his commander refusing to acknowledge the wayward interloper. The soldier let out a muffled cough as a cover for him to disguise a nudge to his higher officer with his foot. Being jarred from his concentration on official paperwork, Soshiro finally decided to address the nosy advisor in the room.
"Is there something to be left said, Miss Okonogi? As you can see, everyone else had left."
"Yes, there is." The locally stationed advisor stated, "It's about your continued decision to employ someone with... lackluster talents as your personal guard. Your family remains ever concern about such choices."
"And they will continue to worry as they are prone to do so as blood relatives." Hoshina finally looked up from his work and looked at the advisor fully, "They may question it all they like, but it will not change the fact that I have made it." He looked back down dismissively to begin again on his paperwork.
"Since the fourth son of a somewhat prominent family is not in that high of demand, my guard's skills are sufficient enough for his task which, need I remind you, is escorting me across town to my family's manor and back. Nothing more." He resumed the meditative writing as a way of making his point clear and matter resolved.
Okonogi sniffed stiffly as she took the transgression silently. She bowed nonetheless and shuffled herself out the office door. After closing it behind her, the soldier let out a low sigh of relief. Hoshina chuckled to himself, somehow finding all of it funny.
"Ya know, for a group of people ya hardly see, they sure like to press on personal matters." The soldier finally spoke when he felt the sudden tension leave his shoulders.
"They're not pressing the matter, she is." Soshiro sighed as he started the process of cleaning up his brush, "She's being paid to question any decision I make that doesn't sound like any my family would make themselves." Hanging the brush on a rack and shuffling some items on his desk around for cleanliness sake, the commander eventually lifted himself from his kneeling position and let out a long and low groan as he stretched, satisfied.
"Come along, darling. After leading training and all of that paperwork, I feel a deep need for a cleansing." Soshiro said as he slid his hands into his oversized sleeves.
"I've told you not to call me that." The soldier's warning was muffled through the clay face mask he wore.
"Oh please, we're the only people on his side of the manor now. And in a few minutes, I get to call you whatever I want." Hoshina retaliated with a hint of joy undercutting the mocking statement.
The two of them filed out of the small office, the commander in front and his loyal body guard never far behind. It was well past sunset and the sky made it clear it was reaching late dusk. The last rays of sunlight filtered through the paper doors that lined the long hallway to the natural hot spring located on premises. Once they entered the outdoor bath and had closed the door, making sure it couldn't be opened easily, only then did the energy in the air begin to waver. It changed from official and stale, to feeling charged, almost teetering on playful or mischievous.
Soshiro found a lit candle on a nearby stool and followed his guard as they walked the stone path that lined the edge of the spring. Kafka did his part of unhooking metal lanterns that hung from tall wooden post high in the air and brought them down to chest level for Soshiro to light them. After making certain that any night breeze wouldn't extinguish the little flame easily, did Kafka hang the lantern back up and move on. They made a full lap around the spring and walked back to the front of the bath. Soshiro tugged on one end of a strip of leather that held back most of the glossy locks that draped from his regal head and sighed as its weight shifted.
"Well, are you going to help me or not?" The commander tittered playfully as he stoked his hair over his shoulder. He watched his soldier tug at the strings holding his face mask in place. A hand came up to rub away the thin sheen of sweat that had built up under it as the other placed the mask on a table.
"One of these days' we're gonna get caught because of your impatience" The soldier said as he made himself see clearly again.
Dropping the mask revealed the man underneath to be Kafka Hibino, once a lowly foot soldier in the Monkey squad, now currently having the coveted position of being Soshiro Hoshina's personal escort and body guard. A position he wasn't aiming for, but with how his relationship with the fourth son of the Hoshina's was going, it wasn't one he minded terribly. While it was blatant favoritism that earned him the position, it was clear to the both of them that it could never be trusted to anyone else. He began to walk over to where Soshiro was waiting patiently to have help removing the heavy Kaiju-leather plates that make up a hunter's armor.
"If you keep talking about it, eventually you'll make it so. I almost wonder if you want it to happen." Soshiro sang with a honeyed tone.
"It will happen if you don't fix the problem of not being able to keep your hands to yourself." Kafka stated as he began to mess with the ties holding the pauldrons to his shoulders. He smirked as he chuckled in his mind, thinking about all the times he had to stop his commander from launching himself across tables at people, from starting duels in the street, or making sure he didn't get caught with his hand snaking their way onto his body guard's... person.
"I haven't ever heard you complain about it before." His commander said with mock admonishment. He held onto the discarded pauldrons as Kafka began to work on the belts holding the chest piece in place. "Maybe it just means we're both rotten to the core." Hoshina continued to tease as he leaned back closer to Kafka's chest.
"It's not hard to be influenced by you when you make yourself so inviting." Kafka hummed as he leaned in closer to Soshiro's ear, "I just consider myself lucky that I'm the only one my commander had decided to make himself a completely vulnerable fool in front of." He whispered as his hands traveled southward, past the belt that held up the lower portion of armor and unexpectedly squeezed his partner's upper thigh.
Soshiro jabbed him with his elbow in retaliation, causing the two of them to giggle and make Kafka lose his grip on the belt. He finished with his task and helped remove the chest plate afterward. Once he gathered all the removed armor and set them on the table, did he offer himself up to his commander for the same courtesy. Kafka let him pull at the strings holding his helmet in place, the both of them knowing full well that he could do it himself. They knew as well that Soshiro liked the opportunity to hold his lover's face in his hands.
After taking off the helmet, Kafka took it out of Soshiro's hands so his could be free to caress his. A face marked with long healed scars and patchy scruff, it was a face he found only his commander seemed to truly love. Fingertips traced the edges of its rough details while eyes drank in its softer ones. The small maze of wrinkles that lined his lips and brow, those gem-like blue-green eyes that could melt snow capped mountains or freeze them solid, and that warmth of a good soul that seemed to seep from every piece of contact his lover's hands could make on his face. These details were expressed to him, time and time again, but he never believed them until he heard it straight from his commander's honest lips.
One hand removed itself from the helmet it was holding so it could trap Hoshina's and bring it closer to his lips, allowing a moment where Kafka could drink in the other's essence as well. Savoring the cool skin on his and smelling the ink and leather oil sunk deep into Soshiro's natural perfume, permanently etching his presence onto the ridges of Kafka's mind. He sniffed and sighed and kissed it lightly before he let it go. Kafka liked to watch intently as those same hands roamed his body, giving him the same care and attention to his armor that he gave to his commander. It wasn't long before he was stripped of his armor as well. He took it from Soshiro as laid it to rest next to the other pile on the table.
Hoshina began to busy himself with removing the cloth robes that remained, not giving them any loving courtesy like the armor was given. They were quickly shed onto the stones before Soshiro stepped foot into the searing warmth of the spring water. Dunking his head in, he resurfaced swiftly and smoothed away some errant strands of hair from his vision. He began to tug on the last of the leather strip that held the rest of his hair back as he watched Kafka from the borders of the spring. As it all fell down heavily, Soshiro busied his hands with sweeping it behind his shoulders while he continued to rudely gawk at his partner undressing.
He had seen that man naked more times than he had seen himself, and he never tired from the view. Strong muscle wrapped and coiled around the soldier's arms while his torso held a softer image. Hoshina knew better than to doubt that rounded appearance, having seen and certainly felt what that upper body was capable of. His tongue darted out and swiped across his lips in reaction to seeing the top shirt being removed fully and folded onto the table. He moved closer to the rounded stone skirting of the small pool and saddled up to the edge in quiet anticipation. As Kafka's hands reached to waist of his pants, they stilled as he developed the familiar sensation of being watched.
"Do you really have to stare at me every time I undress?" Kafka called back, not bothering to turn around to confirm his suspicions.
"Do you have to act like a bashful maiden every time I do?" Soshiro teased as he stayed rooted to his spot.
Hoshina found himself biting his lip as Kafka just sighed and removed the rest of his clothing. He moved out of the way as Kafka strode over and began to act as if he was about to enter the pool, only to sweep the discarded robes off the floor and smirked coyly at Soshiro as he walked away with them
"I don't know why it bothers you so much. It's not like I haven't had you under me or anything." Soshiro teased back as he watched Kafka continue to put away the discarded attire.
"You start up that kind of attitude this early and I'm leaving." Kafka grumbled as his cheeks flushed bright red.
"If you're not in the mood, just say so." His commander pouted as he turned away from him in slacking scorn.
"Only because I'd like a chance to actually relax first." Kafka said with easy-going indignance. He returned to the pool holding the jade comb they used whenever they came to the spring together. Soshiro scoffed, but shifted himself into position anyway as his partner carefully splashed his way in.
"It would work that way as well. Hell's, I'd like to think that you would end up more relaxed by the time I was done." he joked as he leaned back into Kafka's awaiting lap, propping himself up between his knees.
"You're incorrigible." Kafka sighed as he shook his head.
He spent the passing time slowly raking the comb through the long silken strands of Soshiro's hair, taking care to brush slowly and chip away at any knots going from bottom to top. After making sure it was free of tangles, did he take more of their time combing through it all in long passes, just to savor the feeling. Soshiro reveled in the attention, never not once hating the feeling of being attended to like this. Sure, he had servants help him dress in the morning and even do his hair, but none of it felt the same as when it was done by someone he loved. Every few passes of the comb, he would feel short nails caress and scritch as his scalp, removing an itch that he didn't realize was even there. On windless nights, Soshiro could hear a deep, reverberating hum from the depths of Kafka's chest, usually a marching chant or a drinking hymn. The repeated, loving motions, the all-encompassing blanket of warmth, paired with the harmony of the wind and leaves matching the water and waves lapping at the stone beat for beat. Hoshina would willingly go penny-less and destitute, sick and infirm, if it meant he got to keep these moments forever.
Deep in the cavern of his blissfully silent mind, it took a while for Soshiro to notice that Kafka had stopped brushing and took up plaiting the infinite length. To be honest, he wasn't a fan of it. Leaving in the braid too long usually bent it into weak crimps and he could already hear the judging murmurs of his servants who had to deal with it in the morning. He was aware that Kafka was just the type of person who always felt the need to keep his hands busy. A trait that benefited him when it came to squad relations. Rarely was there ever an idle task when Kafka was released from his body guard duties. It was just how he spent his time relaxing, but did Kafka really have to take it out on his hair?
"You're doing it again." Soshiro muttered lazily, not bothering to stop his lover.
"I know." Kafka responded simply, the smile unmistakable in his soft voice.
"You know everyone hates it when you do that." The commander sighed. He heard a puffy chuckle before Kafka responded.
"Do you know why I do it anyway?" he said as he held his hand out for the leather hair tie.
"Mmm... Humor me." Soshiro softly moaned and he began to feel those gentle hands move again.
"Because no one knows it's me." He whispered, "Because it makes your hair do a fun little dance for me as I follow you around. It's something I do to you that lets me remember that I'm yours." He finished curling the long braid around itself into a snug bun and cinched it up with the leather cord
"And you're mine." Kafka tacked on tenderly, along with a quick peck to an unsuspecting commander's forehead.
"Well then... I guess I can't bring myself to hate it as well." Soshiro declared as he lifted himself to a higher sitting position.
"Especially after hearing something so sweet." He scooted himself more fully into Kafka's lap and wrapped his arm around his shoulder.
Their lips touched and moved languidly against each other. No need to rush or to stop was felt when they started, and there wouldn't be for the rest of all their night together. Such was the case when two lovers fell into a wanting dance. Kafka softly sighed as his partner's hand tugged at the hairs of his nape and soothingly massaged the back of his neck. Soshiro beamed as he felt his soldier's sharp teeth and pointed canines pull teasingly at his lower lip, causing a breathy giggle. Hibino broke away from the dance first, deciding to slowly lavish a trail of wet kissed down the taut plains of Hoshina's neck. He tasted the sulfur of the water and the salt of the sweat as he savored the journey to the hard edges of his bath-mate's bare shoulder.
It was there that Kafka decided to stop his conquest and inhale his lover's scent once again. Breathing deep and slow, he made his mind expand and bask in all that he could feel, all he could sense. His arms unconsciously tightened around Soshiro's waist as a wisp of melancholy seeped into his heart. His nose nuzzling its way back up the path he made on the neck felt very much different from the moments they were making before. Hoshina dug deep into his will to separate their chests from each other so he could look his love in the eyes. He felt his smile carry a hint of the melancholy that had seemed to enter Kafka's heart as well as invaded the sanctity of his expressive face. A hand traveled from Kafka's broad chest to tease the corner of his lips into a happier expression.
"Your mind is very loud again. It's practically coming out of your eyes." Soshiro huffed quietly as he continued to watch the other's face shift through different shades of the same emotion.
"It's just... this... the world... something's been feeling off lately. Like this isn't going to last forever." Kafka's voice rumbled with the weight that he had been feeling on his shoulders.
"You're manifesting again." Soshiro called back, thinking a joke would help lighten the mood.
"It doesn't feel like that. More so like a... premonition. A gut feeling that's arrived and hasn't left." Kafka brought his face closer, rubbing his nose against Soshiro's and sought comfort and warmth in their closeness, "I keep waking up in the morning, thinking that it's going to be the last time I get to see you. It scares me."
"I would rather be stabbed through the heart before I let things stay that way between us." His lover affirmed solidly as he brought both of his hands to cage Kafka's face, "This isn't coming from what Miss Okonogi said earlier about my family, is it?"
"I wish its origins were that simple. I've had this feeling for a while now." Kafka's gaze softened even more as he basked in their continued embrace.
"If that feeling gets worse, I want you to remind yourself of one thing." Soshiro spoke softly, treating each word like a fragile feather.
"And what's that?" Kafka whispered back, a flicker of hope sparkling in the shape of his lips twitching into a smile.
"No matter what comes, no matter what happens, may it be something trivial, or the ending of the world, I will be yours." Soshiro placed a gentle kiss on the bridge of Kafka's nose as he continued to promise, "And I will find you no matter where, no matter when, and tell you that, over and over again. In as many different ways as needed until you never feel like this again."
They continued to indulge in each other's comforting presence until their tired minds couldn't take being awake anymore. Even as Kafka felt his mind be overtaken with the inescapable need for sleep, his mind echoed his partner's sentiment over and over again. He knew those words were true, and knew better than to doubt a promise from his commander and lover, but it affected little to the growing fear that leeched onto the fibers of his emotions. One thing he said did seep in however. He knew, really and truly knew, that they would find each other. Again and again.
No matter what.
#Kafka [undressing]: Do you Mind!?!?#Modern day Hoshina [Watching]: Nope <3#Never change buddy. Never change.#Imma be honest#I free handed those last few paragraphs.#This isn't me bragging / I lost the plot at the end there#I wasn't supposed to make myself almost cry!?!?!#It was supposed to be about a possible arranged marriage between Soshiro and an implied Mina!#Instead I just reminded myself of how f*cking lonely I am.#Whelp If I feel it maybe It will torture others too.#Also guess why Its called Calm Before The Storm.#Because this conversation happens two weeks before the Meraki Kaiju fight. : D#No I'm not demented Why do you ask?#Also me ->#My brain [chanting]: Fate-Ed Soul-Mates! Fate-Ed Soul-Mated!#Me [Hunched over my phone in a closet at work]: I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON RONTOTO YOU SICK FUCK!!!!#kaiju 8#kaiju no. 8#kaiju no.8#kaiju no 8#kaiju number 8#kaiju n8#kaiju no. eight#kafka hibino#hibino kafka#soshikaf#soshiro hoshina#hoshina soshiro#hoshikaf#kafhoshi
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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I feel bad for Joe. I know y’all are just going to go ahead and make this album about hating him.
It’s sad to see this cycle play out time and time again.
#it’s why I distance myself from our fandom#it’s sad to see this happen over and over again in our fandom#it’s very culty#taylor swift#the tortured poets department#ttpd#tpd#joe alwyn
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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You ever write something that causes you physical pain
#I say this like I’ve actually written anything#if anyone saw my torture nexus too close to the sun post earlier it’s about the same fucking thing#why did I do this to myself#and the worst part is it makes fucking sense#they would do that#becuase time lords fucking suck#but now it has to happen to my time lord guy#and I don’t like it#and yeah yeah it’s my story and my character I can do whatever I want but I think I have to do this#problem is is that ideas for these ocs down in my brain and then I have to write them#I don’t have control over this shit#j rambles#tag for my ocs
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late start to goretober but day 1: rotting ^_^ starring none other than thee lacey !
#goretober#cw: gore#lacey games#i’m trying so hard not to torture myself over this being a bit more simple but#i’m so burnt out from the other piece i just finished#also this is less of a literal rotting take and more of a take on rotting away bc of trauma and everything#that’s why i chose lacey obv#mew2lation
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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Have you ever come up with a fic concept so evil and gut-wrenching it made you realize that you need immediate psychiatric help? ksbksbksbsksb
#so it came from nowhere but i began thinking of giving Tiffany one of my medical conditions as a way of coping with the diagnosis#one thing led to another…obviously…and a new AU was created#and it took a rather dramatic turn#i cried the entire night but i couldn’t stop myself from moulding this concept in my head ksbslnsksnsln#wish i had enough time & energy to get my writing mojo back and make this heartbreaking AU happen#but also why am i like this WHY am i torturing my fictional favorites and myself?????#*currently replaying all the lines in my mind and making myself ugly sob all over again*#AU: where the wild roses grow
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anyway im probably gonna hold off on the job search until i finish my thesis. firstable priorities (duh) and secondable... its not exactly helpful to engage in the single most depressing activity known to humankind when i really need to be in a mindset of inspiration not desperation
#idk why i like torturing myself so much#like i feel guilty when im NOT looking for jobs because.. in 2 months ill be running out of money and i should be planning ahead etc etc#but when im writing cover letters and sending applications i also feel guilty for wasting time that could be spent on my th*sis project#especially with the deadline fast approaching 🫥#and in the end it always sends me down a panic spiral#so...#i guess this is an accountability post or something idk#smute stop it right now im serious no stop delete the monster app unsub from the stepstone emails#make sure you graduate#THEN despair over job market#e basta#&#thesis writing
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Ok but thinking back to how I was in elementary and middle school: I had such disdain for other kids who broke the rules, that I irrationally hated a whole bunch of kids — kids I would have made good friends with — all because I couldn’t stand the fact that they engaged in conflicts with, and affronts to authority figures or standards.
It even went as far as internally mocking a kid my age — calling him “Mama’s Boy” in my head — over the fact that his mother whispered comments into his ear, which he mumbled unintelligibly into the mic, and then would fall asleep as if dead on her arm. I perceived his inability to give comments on his own, and his sleeping, as moral failings of both mother and child; because I wasn’t raised like that. And maybe, those feelings also came from jealousy. I was expected to fight off sleep all the time because I could read at a college level in third grade, and could theoretically understand the material presented at the meetings despite it still being inappropriate for my age group.
I was so far deep into the “bad associations spoil useful habits” mindset that it made me hate my fellow neurodivergents — kids I would have been friends with — who maybe couldn’t hide it as well as I could. That is beyond fucked up. Now, I work with those very kids I disliked so much as a child, and guess what? They are my absolute favorite people to be around; and many of them remind me of myself.
#exjw#ableism tw#I’m also just very uptight about rules anyway; so the whole cult thing did not help that part of me At All#I often find myself more concerned with doing things “correctly” than I am with doing the right thing in non-serious scenarios#and it’s kind of scary because like… how much of a sheep am I?#Would I torture someone if an authority figure I trusted ordered me to because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do?#Most of it comes from a desire for consistency: If [x] happens; then do [y]. So every time [x] happens; [y] is the correct response#and this — like the laws of physics — Cannot Change#Except of course the real world is vague and variable and there is a lot of grey area to work with in coming up with solutions#so doing [y] when [x] happens may make things worse than if you do [z] instead#This makes a lot more sense when you consider I was taught how to play chess at a very young age by my father#who bragged about being a “chess player” with regard to real world problems#Yes chess is strategy; but you’re also playing on a grid and your movements are entirely restricted by the rules of gameplay#My father can’t leave the cult that traumatized him because he loves Jehovah#he can’t go to the meetings to serve the god he loves because it triggers his trauma#he can’t talk to a therapist about his religious trauma to get over it because he would be defaming Jehovah#If life is a game of chess then he’s checkmated#But here’s the thing: the game is imaginary and the rules are made up#Viewing real life as a chess board is extremely unhealthy for your free will#Which is why in this essay about Nineteen Eighty Four I will—
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people who characterize marcille as ‘oh that lesbian elf motivated so much by how she wants to bang her s/o’ literally don’t get it. a marcille who KNOWS shes a lesbian would be on a whole ‘nother level of “annoying about it.” insert joke about gay being a characters only trait level annoying. she still writes off her gay shit as gender envy, protectiveness, or solidarity. once she realizes , its all over. shes going to be getting into harmful intra/ter-community discourse on twitter before collapsing into a years-long disillusionment wreckage as all her online buddies either go entirely transmisogynistic or end up overcorrecting and becoming a different kinda queerscourse radical. she even takes the word ‘lesbian’ out of all her urls :-(. not because she isn’t one or its bad but bc its a painful reminder of a sense of pride that now exists only in memory. and eventually she changes it to FALINSC-💥
#these first notes were written before the massive tangent about the twitter lesbian torture tube:#this also applies if you headcanon her as bi & preferentially women-leaning#less so if still bi but not? but still there#anyways i’m a diehard lesbianmarciller but like not in a ‘oh the other interpretations suck shit’ wy#way#<- i say to myself trying to not turn into my own cartoonish self-charicature lmao#i mean straight marcille is. a choice. but even THAT isn’t. STRICTLY. Anti-canon. or anything. (why though….)#thats supposed to say ‘even’#EVEN straight marcie is a choice!#anyways my true enemies are people who hc falin as trans and marcie as cis. what the fuck. that sucks and i hate it.#if only one of them can be trans its obviously marcille do you honestly think falin would choose to be a woman and not nonbinary like her br#yknow what not even continuing that sentence it made me feel evil#just going along with the tag character limit there#‘his pronouns are they/them also you choose to be trans!!’ ass shit#reeling a bit from the debate (…. or rather my cool and good moms sad and bad retelling of it)#….the tangent about marcille get computer wasnt here originally. nor the joke about me projecting a chunk of personal shit on there#(which isn’t even really a statement to the cross-applicability -i’m more of a falin tgirl spiritually speaking - i just saw a shitton of#younger lesbians getting involved with a pretty horrendous cycle over the years so it ending up hiw MY experiences of those years went m’sel#self is fairly natural. mostly i just realized jaded 100something marcille would totally go for my url#more realistically marcie gets kicked out of her twitter sphere for having a contrapoints moment regarding her presentation and pronouns lol#i’m just saying words at this point
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I hate vagueposting in fandom give me a direct link and a list of reasons why I'd be as upset as you
#luly talks#like i saw someone complain about mischaracterization like brother. please link me bc im not even finding content myself#also i saw them fandom being obvs dayshift go that's too crude!! over characterization and now im like insanely curious#bc. like. have. have we played the same games?#have you seen the words that leave the mouth of those men.#like what DID you fucking see that's too crude???#like if we're complaining about mischaracterization then the goal should be to stick to canon and they're fucking.#bad sentence ender they're havign sex but they're just fucking nuts.#in fact the fandom cuts a lot of slack from these ppl A#JACK ESPECIALLY the things this guy has said not only in 1 but also in 3#flipside dave voice i know we're child murderers and all but that's messed up. that's all im saying#ngl i was trying to find the original picture to quote it accurately but instead i found me and blood comparing randy to purps#when i was doing his bad route#i miss randy I'd go torture him again today#WAIT I FORGOT HE ATE CAR KEYS WHY DID HE DO THAT.#i need to go back to that man he's.#do dissectable#top 10 guys I'd cannibalize and then catch an illness from#sorry i got super off topic
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Hi
I’m fucking dying
#just spent like over 3 hours detailing two clocks in one drawing#i. i cannot do this. i dont got this.#this is only one drawing bro#i have to make multiple as well as write an at least 50 page thesis on the project#i have like only a little over a month left ughhhhhhhhhh#im gna go into some deadass horrible burnout after this istg#i also have to make a trailer/survey/idfr what else#i miss tumblr i miss my games i miss bring able to FUCKING SLEEP#sobbing crying wailing throwing up on the floor running up the walls laying on a train track going insane#so yeah if anyone has been wondering why ive completely disappeared#this is why#im dying from my final college semester#i do not live#if i do succeed in completing the fucking drawings imma post it on my art blog for yall to see bc i need you to understand bro this is pain#im fucking putting myself through the five stages of grief and torture rn#anyways good talk hope yall have a good one see you when i next decide to appear if im not dead by then
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When one (1) single character drags you back to a fandom kicking and screaming.
#terraria#the guide#yes. that's him. that's my newest scrunkly.#his lore implications drive me insane#frothing at the mouth over his and the hero's relationship#terraria isn't even a lore heavy game#why must i torture myself like this
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Sooooo, I made so angsty as fuck McDuke drabble and I'm sorry for this. Someone please take me to therapy.
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"Heather".
The name, so simple. How could such a name possess such pain and happiness, such love and hatred, such power, yet such worthlessness.
"Heather, please just look at me". Duke's words were choked out, her eyes lined with tears that threatened to fall, exposing how weak she felt, how weak she was.
Cold eyes stared at her, not uttering a single word. Mcnamara looked at her, not with love or sympathy, like she used to. But not with the hatred that would make the pain Duke's heart go away.
Why couldn't she just hate her, why couldn't she just speak words of hatred, laced with the promise to hurt and cut deep, like how Chandler's always did.
But Mac, sweet Mac that deserved so much more than this, stayed quiet. The hallway soon to be filled with students rushing in and out of class, not even looking at them, unless they saw they could exploit this, stayed deadly quiet.
Mac looked past Duke, almost as if she wasn't there.
The bell rang.
And Mac walked away.
A single tear fell to the floor.
#heathers#heather duke#heather mcnamara#mcduke#a n g s t#i regret everything#i regret nothing#someone help#why do i torture myself like this#Give over you tears#🫴 give me the tears#SmadWrites
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