#why the fuck did I choose the stem field

[sleeplessphantom-0]

The imposter syndrome is always at its strongest at the start of something new

[cakers-2000]

NCT (OT22) and their Genshin Impact Mains/Favorite Characters

This post is for an exceptionally niche group of people (like myself) who play Genshin Impact and also stan NCT so for that group of people, please enjoy I had so much fun writing this and creating the pictures/aesthetics and really just thinking of the whole thing. (No this did not stem from an absolute want to play Genshin Impact with them shut up.)

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Taeyong - Nilou

Taeyong is a Nilou main and I will die on that hill.

I feel like he'd really like her entire aesthetic, probably doesn't play a lot of video games so I see him going for characters looks and aesthetics more than play style (not to say that Nilou is bad I adore her and the few Nilou mains I've encountered). I think he would see a little bit of himself in her, both very caring, hardworking, and sharing the same passion for dance. And her Ult??? Strong believer that he would use it whenever it's full even when there's no enemies around purely because he thinks it's beautiful (Me too Taeyong).

Taeil - Tighnari

You know how sometimes you just look at two things and you just know??? That's how I feel about Taeil and Tighnari. I can't really explain why I think Taeil would main Tighnari. I think like Taeyong, he'd like his overall aesthetic. Loves the big ears and the nature like vibe he has going on with the flowers and green shades. I think he would also really like Tighnari's entire personality. The way he's so smart but also so snarky. I could see Taeil trying to incorporate Tighnari's attitude into his own vocabulary if that makes sense at all?

Johnny - Childe/Tartaglia

Firstly let me just start with the obvious

Johnny 🤝 Childe mains

Being an absolute menace memelord

It was actually a pretty hard tie up about whether he would play Childe or Itto but I ultimately went with Childe as I feel Johnny would definitely like and vibe with both of them but he would like Childe's playstyle more. The double weapon with his skill is definitely a big draw for Johnny. I feel like he'd also really like the double agent kinda vibe Childe has going for him. Being a playable character and friends with the Traveler but also being part of the Fatui??? That's absolutely sick.

Yuta - Kaeya

Yet another one who I feel would choose more aesthetic over playstyle. But I also feel like once he's got a team made he wouldn't really change it so he's probably been a Kaeya main since the very beginning of the game and now at this point he's just attached. Probably has him c6 and maxed the fuck out with artifacts and weapons. Loves his playful yet serious demeanor and wants to be just like him. Also thinks he's gorgeous (me too Yuta, me too).

Kun - Ganyu

Please help this man he sees way too much of himself in Ganyu (but as a Ganyu kinnie, felt Kun). Likes her playstyle more than anything. I think he would like a combined team of Ganyu as the main and some type of Hydro character like Mona who can apply Hydro to enemies while off the field so he can freeze them with Ganyu. He 100% enjoys fighting the Oceanid with her for fun. I can not explain why I just feel it in my bones that he just loves freezing everything in the game that he can, finds it very satisfying.

Doyoung - Amber

BUNNIES 🐰🐰🐰🐰

No but seriously I think he's a bit like Yuta. Probably got her and then just never changed her from his team and now he's attached. But I can also see him really enjoying her playstyle. It's easy to grasp for beginner players and I can't really see him going out of his way to play competitively or anything like that so I think it's perfect for him. And I 100% see him enjoying bow characters more than any other type in the game so it's a win win.

Also loves the fuck out of Baron Bunny and probably wants a stuffed animal of one.

Ten - Yae Miko

He reminds me of Miko so much and I know he would think the same way. He loves her character design so much. The colors, the EARS. Not to mention her personality??? Sexy but also sadistic and a bit twisted???? Sign him the fuck up he's going to main her until the day he dies. And her makeup? I know he'd try to recreate it. Maybe even asks the staff to try it for him for a public appearance.

Jaehyun - Ayato

This one was hard. I had a hard time choosing between Ayato and Ayaka. Ultimately I feel like he'd main both and just have them on a team together but I decided to go for Ayato. I feel like he'd enjoy running around and exploring as Ayato more than Ayaka. I don't think he'd like her sprint all that much (as a former Ayaka main, it can get a bit annoying to control sometimes). Also loves watching Ayato's idles. Probably laughs everytime he pulls Boba out of his sleeve.

WinWin - Kazuha

Like Taeil this was a match that I just knew you know? I feel like he'd enjoy using Kazuhas skill and watching all of the enemies cluster together and then plunge on them and one shot them. Probably has him built amazingly for the sole purpose of trying to one shot the smaller enemies (like hilichurls or mage hilichurls). I think he'd also like the flowy yet stoic samurai aesthetic Kazuha has going on. I could see him wanting to style his hair like Kazuhas for a comeback (though lets be real SM probably would never let him).

Jungwoo - Klee

Loves exploding literally everything.

And if he's co-oping he likes to wait for the person to go AFK and then use Klee to set the ground on fire and kill their character cause he think it's funny. Him and Klee are a chaotic match made in heaven. He also just thinks she's super cute! She was probably the first five star he ever got and became really attached to her and now refuses to take her off his team or use anyone else. I could see him definitely having her built pretty well too. His Klee does some massive damage (part of that being just so he can set his friends on fire and kill them even faster).

Mark - Layla

Probably one of my favorite duos that I thought of. I call them: The overworked and exhausted babies (SM please let Mark rest).

But in all honesty I can definitely see him relating hard to her which was a big reason why he decided to main her (but I could also see the same with Ganyu). I think he would enjoy her playstyle, probably enjoys using shield generating characters such as Layla, Zhongli, Noelle, etc. But he has that personal connection with Layla which is what made him decide on her. I feel like he'd also really like her character design. Likes the witchy, academic look but also how they really encaptured her tired and overworked state in her facial design! I could talk about Mark and Layla all day, like I said it's one of my favorite duos!

Xiaojun - Mona

Same vibes

That is the best way I can describe it. He likes her sprint, thinks it's super unique! He probably lost his 50/50 in all honesty and decided that he was going to get his use out of her but he ended up really enjoying her play style and character. I think he'd also just really enjoy using Catalyst characters, he thinks the playstyle is fun. Probably quotes her all the time too just for fun. He loves the whimsical things she says.

Hendery - Bennett

Another duo that I really like.

I can see Hendery being a healer 100% when it comes to doing domains, but also enjoying Bennett's character of always being unlucky, he thinks it's endearing! I could see him having his Bennett built really well, he probably does some massive damage and some good healing without needing all that many buffs. I could see his Bennett being his pride and joy and loves showing off the damage he can do.

Renjun - Albedo

I am a strong believer in Renjun Albedo supremacy.

I can see him liking Geo characters so he probably had a hard time choosing who to main between all of his options. But he was probably drawn to Albedo both for their shared love of art and the air of mystery that Albedo has about him. I could see Renjun just simply thinking that Albedo is a cool character (strong agree) and he already knows he likes using Geo characters so it's kind of a win win. He gets a geo and he also get a character he just genuinely thinks is neat.

Jeno - Beidou

Simply thinks she's a badass and a boss bitch. (He's right.)

He enjoys the pirate aesthetic and I can see him enjoying claymore characters. He practiced a lot when he started maining her so he could get the timing for her skill Tidecaller just right and deal maximum damage everytime. I can see him and The Dreamies domaining a lot together so his Beidou is probably pretty stacked in terms of artifacts and can do some damn good damage.

Haechan - Yoimiya

As an NCTzen whose Ultimate bias is Haechan

Please let me explain

I also could 100% see him being a Hu Tao main. And I think it would be a situation like Jaehyun where he most likely would have both Hu Tao and Yoimiya on a team together. But I can see him gravitating more towards Yoimiya aesthetically. I think he would really like the fireworks she attacks with and thinks her ult is absolutely gorgeous! I could also see him doing her little sparkler spinny dance idle all the time during dance practices or just for fun. Essentially he's the Marge Simpson meme when it comes to Yoimiya. "I just think she's neat 😃"

Please I love this duo so much and I want it to be true so bad.

Jaemin - Diona

I believe with my whole chest that Jaemin would play as a healer.

And she's a cat.

Oh my god

That's so cute.

He absolutely adores her. He is a proud Diona main and has maxed her out. I'm talking c6, triple crowned glory. She does some massive healing for his teammates (*cough cough* the dreamies *cough cough*) and he loves testing her out against the Oceanid to see how he can change up her artifacts to get even more damage out of her.

Honestly I think he would be a die hard Diona fan, I don't see anyone else having as much passion for her character as he would.

YangYang - Lisa

Fell in love with her the moment he got her and put her on his team and he's never looked back sense. Like Mark he loves the academic witchy vibe she has but also really likes using a catalyst character and shocking enemies. I can see him also really liking her purple rose aesthetic and wanting to replicate it subtly in his own wardrobe if that makes sense?

Shotaro - Gorou

No he does not care that the Genshin meta calls him and his kit useless he is going to make the best DPS Gorou or die trying. He loves him. He thinks his ears and tail are super cute and he loves the little dog that joins Gorou when he uses his skill or burst (like Doyoung I could definitely see him wanting a plush of it).

Spends a lot of his free time domaining and grinding so that he can make the #1 DPS Gorou. I could 100% see him streaming it with NCTzens so he isn't bored and alone. I can see him also really enjoying using bow characters.

Sungchan - Noelle

He has her built like a TANK.

He wears the badge of Noelle main with pride.

I think he would enjoy really everything about her. He likes her character design, the cutesy maid uniform with pieces of armor scattered throughout to show that she's also a knight, the little rose petals in her hair and the fact that she swings around a giant claymore??? She is so badass and he believes that with every bone in his body.

Chenle - Xinyan

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

This was the original headcanon that sparked this entire list. I LOVE the duo of Chenle and Xinyan.

I think he would think she's so cool and badass. The rock and roll aesthetic, the flames, he loves everything about her.

I know most people say you can't build Xinyan well for damage but as someone with a Xinyan on my team I think that's bullshit and he has his Xinyan BUILT. When he's doing Domains with the Dreamies he is absolutely carrying and crushing their opponents without much help needed other than for the pure fact of doing elemental reactions.

He grinds the hell out of domains and has her maxed out, triple crowned, the works.

Jisung - Sayu

By far another one of my all time favorite duos.

I love the idea of Sayu main Jisung. I think when you put him and Chenle together they are unstoppable. Jisung uses Sayus swirl to his full advantage and even the physical damage and healing stats on his Sayu absolutely slap. He probably grinds domains with Chenle and though his Sayu probably isn't triple crowned or maxed yet she's probably pretty damn close (he's working on it).

I can see him being a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his Sayu and she'll never fully be built. He wants her to be perfect and so his grind for Artifacts will never really end as he always wants the best next artfact for her.

But that's okay, whatever makes him happy, and it'd be a real big testament of his love and appreciation for the character

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Holy crap that took forever. But I had a ridiculously good time writing and creating all of this.

If you're reading this, this is your sign to write down and publish those random headcanons you came up with because even if people don't read them, it'll make you feel really happy.

Please please comment or share I wanna hear everyone's thoughts and who you all would personally think the members would main!

Tag list: @kaiyaki-sano

[reitziluz]

Questions About Creating Your OCs, going with 1, 3, 14 and 19 for Kimon!

:D oooh thank you this was so fun! and also got so damn long lmao

1. What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

this is so HARD because kimon is actually a compound of two old rp characters of mine. my very first rp character, siegfried, was an aggressively ordinary and well-adjusted farm boy who is doing the journeyman portion of his apprenticeship to become a carpenter. kimon’s appearance is directly derived from him, and in a way he’s an older siegfried that went through darker shit. as in, they share a certain shounen protagonist vibe. kimon’s namesake is another, later rp character, who himself was a spiritual successor to siegfried! the idea of a field/combat healer who is desperately trying to get away from the circle of violence comes from this proto-kimon.

as you can see, i tend to come up with characters concept first. for kimon too, my first thought was "hey, it would be cool to really fuck around with the idea that a necromancer is just a very late healer. maybe have a healer character who accidentally turns himself undead/into a lich.” then immediately after, if not simultaneously, i smashed old characters together to create a base to add to, haha!

3. How did you choose their name?

so i did not want to reuse the name siegfried, because it’s long and would be shortened to either sieg or fried and i don’t like either of them, and i’m pretty sure i chose it just because learning that nightmare from soulcalibur was actually siegfried was hilarious to me at the time. (i was around 15, it was like… 2007 or 2008?) kimon was the more recent oc that was a closer relative to current kimon, so i went with kimon for him too. i don’t… like the old kimon much, outside of the field healer aspect. it was kind of a rough spot in my rp career. i’m p sure the name came from a random generator, or from some baby name site? i just vibed with it. though… for a while i was worried people would think i just yoinked the final o from kimono. I think there were joking drawings of him in a kimono because of it? anyway. the name also fits the naming language i fucked around with for a while, so that’s why it stuck.

(and yeah it’s pronounced ki-mo-n, stress on the first syllable, because it stems from the time when i was writing exclusively in finnish. idk how else people might be inclined to pronounce it tho? let me know if you read it in a different way!)

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

he has literally died and reanimated himself to keep going. to keep protecting and healing those important to him. he will say it’s because he had no other choice due to the circumstances, and yet he keeps destroying himself instead of leaning on others.

under the cool and controlled exterior, this is a short guy who has had to get incredibly tough very young and has since been marathoning Challenges. there’s an Attitude to him. on the anime vs mmo healer spectrum. he’s wayyyyy in the ”get up, you die when i say so” corner. small dog energy, but not the impotent rage type, but the type where you’re scared for your life.

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

noooooo i can’t choose! uh, outside of stuff that’s also just some of my favorite story moments/concepts… i’m just really fond of the fact that when he’s using magic, the stronger it is, the more his eyes glow and the more they go from blue to white.

[the1975attheirverybest]

It is true that i need to learn to learn to stand to lose too because i was a 'gifted kid' and i dont think i need to say how scared i am of coming out as 'talentless' lol

I think a big part of it is also that i dont feel very supported? Which i think is partly my fault because i know my family doesnt really understand any artistic medium and none of my friends are in the music field and dont really get why im dping this if im not studying music (which is actually so silly to think because why do i have to stick to only one form of art?)

In lighter terms, ive been writhing a lot lately and felt quite proud of some stuff i came out with, and finished one i cry everytime i play so i was quite happy with how i could capture it out.

Its so scary to let people see how you think but ill try to work on it, thanks halla for taking the time to respond to this, i really really appreciate it 💕

-🤖

Ohhhh babeee. I get that believe me 💗💗 I’m a scholarship kid who got into the Ivy leagues (if you’re not in the US: Harvard, Stanford, MIT, UPenn etc) but then had a mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of the program. Believe me, I know how you feel. the perfectionism is a blessing and a curse lmao. I also come from generations of a STEM family who don’t really get the whole literature thing hahahha. Growing up, I was always told “can’t you just….read books as a hobby? Get a degree that pays money!” (Which is fair enough. Unemployment rates for English PhDs is 60% they’re not wrong lmao).

But that’s where I think Matty’s statement, though dramatic, is serially true. Artists who stop making art would go insane. You did not choose this music thing. It chose you. And if you forced yourself to just not do it anymore and try something “safe” that you can excel at easily to scratch that perfectionist need to do everything in the best possible way, then you might be happy for 5 seconds. But you’ll eventually start to miss the music and do anything you can to get back to it. That’s how I feel now about my abandoned degree in creative writing lol. Keep at it. Life is too short to hold back from things that you love just cuz some dumbass out there who can’t get their head out of their ass doesn’t like what you have to say. Good news!! There is soooo much music out there for all sorts of folks and their tastes. The people who like you will choose you and those who don’t can fuck off and go find some music they do like!

Oh hey no thanks necessary. I’m really glad you’re doing this. We need artists all the time. Can never have enough!

Maybe try this: make a song about being scared to make songs for this project and maybe include it in the project? Could be therapeutic? Haha.

[sunkingwrites]

POMPOM FLOWER :0

the funny thing is, whenever I see that flower I think of you! it’s one of my favooooriteeee flowersss, and they usually present joy and optimistic relationshipssssss (and youuu have brought sooo much joy! <3)

ahem ahem I probably shouldn’t be um being a dumbass using my phone in the bathtub after a mini photoshoot (IT WAS SO COOL) but i sWEAR i’m holding outside of the bath over the floor this time— anyways, whAT I WAS GOING TO SAYYYY- MndkajJjas I wanna paint my nails with you after I’m done taking a selfcare bathhh ;v;

I don’t even know why I’m talking about my bath- it’s comfortable… and I have no shame with my selfcare days ohmygod.. I need to learn how to stop 😭

KQJDIDI ANYWAYS BACK TO YOU, YOU DROP-DEAD-GORGEOUS HUMAN— I’m coooking laterrrr and I was wondering about food preferences (because I personally will eat anything edible as long as it doesn’t have b e a n s; I am a sucker for new things!)

sooooo what kinda food do you likeeee?? oooo and and back to the flowers- what flowers do you like as well? I swear I’m not planning anything *cough* I don’t know what you mean *cough*

POMPOM FLOWER!! FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAHHH!!

Bruuhhh it's suuuchh a pretty flower thoo aaahhhhhh

And-- PHOTOSHOOT, DID I HEAR PHOTOSHOOT??? Dude lemme get in there, imma get a bunch of closeups woo wooo, I fucking LOve photoshoots!!!! :DD

Ollie omg nooo, keep going on about your self care baatthh, VIBE AWAYYY VIBBEE AWAAAYYY!!

Ooh okay okay so what colour are we thinking for nail polish though? I'm getting you to decide because I think I have more colours so it'll be more likely to have what you choose,, and you can choose multiple colours of course of course BECAUSE THERE ARE MULTIPLE FINGERNAILS!!

uGH, yeah,, I am preettyyy gorgeeouus huh? ☆☆☆ :D

Okay uhhh food,, well since you're talking actually food and not candy-- because sour candy is where it's at-- mmmm I really like spicy food, and combining like.. every flavour that I like into one thing... because I'm verryy indulgent and I feel like that shows in the way I make things- today I had some butter turkey and rice with added hot sauce and green onions, because my mum made a turkey a bit ago and had a buNCh left over- but I should specify that I dIDNT actually make the food,, it was made for me and I just added a bunch of different shit to it like I always do--

something that I really like making is instant noodles,, then draining them and adding some margarine (cuz this boy shouldn't have butter), mayo, soya sauce, hot sauces, and a bunch of other stuff- it is again,, VERy indulgent.. but I really like it! And make sure you add a veggie aspect too cuz that'd important- but also slather those veggies in sauuceee becauseee yuummmyummyyy- oh goddss I'm getting hungry just thinking about this stufffff :')

Okay okay, so I'm gunna talk about flowers instead then-

Dude I literally don't know shit about flowers. xD I know tulips cuz they bloom around my birthday time (springg booyyy),, but I know the characteristics I like in flowers-- so I hope that's good enough

I like when flowers have a nice stem that you can hold it by, so it's easy to smell it, and easy to offer it to someone, so they can hold it and don't have to worry about dropping it

I like when flowers are bright, like they grab your attention, I like the warm colours of them- when it feels like they're reaching out to you and inviting you to smell them or take a closer look

I like when flowers have little patterns to their petals, yeah the teardrop shaped petals are fine- but I want some ruffles, some ridges and irregular curves- I need that flower to exist in its own space, existing as a separate creation in a field of monotony.

soooo yeah! I hope that's good <3

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

so uncomfortable

okay here's a tough question

I'm going to force myself to think about

lightly though and with only my fingertips

when did I become embarrassed for how and why

I choose to love someone?

I know that I try to be thoughtful and considerate with love

my mind is always looking for glimmers of joy

and in love everything sparkles a bit

especially if it's romantic love

just noticed a fly died in my tealight that's awkward

when I choose to love someone

I become aware of them and notice things

I do it naturally but in affection

I love to focus more on the things that bring delight

affection can be the beauty when things are bleak

if the first root stems from childhood

I could never seem to love anyone rightly or enough

to inspire them to keep loving me every day

suddenly their mood would change and I'd be

a stranger they hated or needed to get away from

god I hope I don't make my children feel that way

when I get overwhelmed and my first instinct is to isolate

but I usually explain to them what is happening with me

and reassure them that the situation has me out of sorts

and that I love taking care of them even if I get stressed

they never seem to worry that my love will go away

so I broke that cycle which means now

I have to address it in interpersonal connections

and the truth is that I can only love as me authentically

and value the opinions of people able to receive my love

instead of the projections of those who just can't seem

to find anything right with how I show affection

or think I'm not quite grateful enough for their regard

i fucking thank my alexa ok I know I'm appreciative

my youngest and wildest is named Theo

but at the park he would introduce himself as Io

and then when people called him by this name he gave

he wouldn't answer to it because he was so used

to listening for his given name Theo

he didn't know how to answer to the name he gave himself

I think that's how I feel right now

and people don't usually have to give themself a name

or maybe they do and I just haven't found something I

resonated with yet so I can make the connection to

something that does make sense in my mind

If I haven't been given love in the way that attuned

to my authentic self but only to the self

I constructed to survive the rejection of being myself

then of course I'm terrified of being given love

that will see me entirely and not go away

depending on the day or dysregulated mindset

you can dream of something your entire life

and suddenly feel like freezing or running

the moment you feel like it may approach you

new things are scary even if they are wanted

most of the love I was given was built upon enmeshment

I fell into the patterns easily because they are based

in deep insecurity and manipulation

I broke that cycle in relation to my children

the mother wound determines your inner voice

so now I need to break the cycle in relation

to myself and the people I choose to love

control is not love and healthy boundaries are not control

but loving limits you place around yourself to

protect yourself from enmeshment (ironic)

it's also nice when those are communicated

full moon this weekend in a time for release

moving out of cancer season (whew)

and into leo season and my ascending aspect

is purring and growling in my ear

I'm calling him Firenze or

Novafeltria if she's feeling divinely feminine

my inner royal court of wands

and we all know wands connect us to the creative

sacral cauldrons that forge our passion that is controlled

by the breath of our ever expanding and contracting diaphragm

which is like the function and structure of the iris of the eye

they both adjust the size of the opening (or aperture)

controlling the depth of field or focus of the scene

and how much light is exposed to the focal plane

I think all this means that I have to stop being a filter

or something and just accept my intensity?

I got a little lost in the constellation I was trying to draw

but it still sparkles, doesn't it?

I will sparkle for the right people

and accept that some people just don't like stars

and that's just something they have to deal with, man

[windvexer]

Can you elaborate more on the topic of science and magic? It feels like you threw a stone and hid your hand 🔥

I presume we're talking about this post?

I was going to say that "spirituality is not at war with science" is not an unpopular opinion, but then again...

Magic and science are not opposite branches of belief wherein you must choose one and the more you learn about it, the more you leave the other behind.

Magic is not science "they" "haven't proven yet." Is that what we all really want, that our spirituality and faith is reduced to something a scientist can track on a meter? I find it disturbing when witches say that magic is actually just materialism tragically shrouded by unknown variables, which will one day be reduced to nothing but equations. There are a hell of a lot of magical practitioners out there who pray for the day their path dies and a new STEM field is born from its ashes.

I find it equally disturbing when magical practitioners look at modern medicine and sciences and say, "no - get rid of it, no medical care for anyone. We're back to dying of bad teeth at 40, everyone start getting scared of minor scratches again because tetanus shots are the first to go."

People are desperate to claim that magic is somehow superior to science, because people did it first, or that it will somehow be validated by science. This leads to really fucking stupid comments, like "if magic is real why hospitals?", as if the goddamn spirits were not praying for a day when we could fucking process some willow bark and save lives on our own without begging them for help every other second.

You are allowed to be spiritual and benefit from scientific discovery, and anyone who says otherwise is either fucking stupid or fucking predatory.

By the by: if you are wondering if you should believe in magic or science, please choose science.

[notasiren21]

26 for Lukanette WIPs please. :)

26. Party Crasher!Luka

I FUCKED UP AND JUST WROTE IT I GUESS???

Party Crasher

-Lukanette oneshot

“You mean to tell me Agreste ditched you? After all that pleading to let him take you to the party for your successful launch line for next season, he’s ditched you?”

“Kagami, don’t kill him.”

“Fine, remind me why I can’t though? This is such an ass move of his if he’s trying to prove he’s the one for you.”

“Because,” Marinette grits out, faking a toothy smile to a work couple that waves from passing, “I want to castrate and kill him myself.”

Kagami laughs roughly in surprise, “Why the castration?”

“So I can fit his small ass into the tightest pair of skinny jeans we have for our tall teenage girls.” The not so stoic girl sips on her wine, pleased with her friend’s rage. “I told him I haven’t been interested since we were 14, but him thinking I’ll forgive him if I even had a silver of interest in dating him? Fuck him.”

“Or,” Kagami drawls, long nails tapping the stem of her glass as she leans to peer over her friend’s shoulder, “You could fuck him instead?”

Mari gasps in offense, “I am NOT trying for a one night stand, no matter what you guys say.”

“No, you little mouse,” she admonishes, fully heartedly agreeing with the sentiment, “I just mean your big and handsome protective snake is here to save the day.”

Marinette’s mind took a second longer to click the pieces together, trying to make sense of Kagami’s nicknames for her friend group, before her heart thudded and she slowly turned.

There, passing by the models who had walked in Marinette’s designs and batted their false lashes at the rockstar, was Luka Couffaine.

Dressed to the nines in a very punk like and sophisticated way that revealed he very much wanted to impress her and did in fact listen to her fashion advice. Black skinny jeans only he could pull off, high top converse and a white button up with a black vest to overlay it. The cheeky and handsome bastard forgoing the tie to leave one too many buttons undone and his sleeves rolled up to reveal his tattoos.

Oh, on the life of his cat Sass was she proud of him.

And maybe drooling just a little?

He approached her, a sly smile working its way to his lips as he eyed her up and down, eyes shining bright at her black low cocktail that she paired with navy blue heels.

So maybe she sometimes used Luka as a whole for inspiration.

He raised a hand, finger wrapping around a loose curled tendril out of an elegantly messy low bun, “I thought it was the models you were supposed to make the stars of the show.”

“Had I known you were gonna show up, I would’ve worn one of my bests here.”

His hand froze, “This isn’t your best? You tease,” he broke out in a grin. His hand moved further, thumbing at the collection of piercings in her ear he accompanied her with to get years ago. “God, you’re so fucking beautiful.”

“Well, I’m suddenly glad I can only acknowledge this as awkward and not feel it.” Kagami noted into her class. Her phone buzzed, electing a sigh from her as she began turning. “Have fun, my mother decided to remind me why this wine was a good idea to have before she came.”

She watched her friend walk away, her other -her best friend and other half, remained taking her in and stroking the soft spot under her ear he once claimed with a mark-

The one time they admitted their crushes and strong attraction towards the other the night before he left for tour years ago.

It was the only time Luka had indulged himself in his wants and desires, the only time he had asked to and still provided her with an out. And now he still remains far off in her memories, even as he stands in front of her with that look on his face years later.

“How did you,” she swallows when his soft gaze flicks back up to her eyes with his full attention. “How did you get in? It’s a ticket only event.”

He shrugged, turning to offer her an arm and walk around. “I may or may not have seen Adrien’s post about his mom and dad going to a gala event and him going to see his cousin there. Seems like that took precedence I guess.”

Marinette huffed low, “Félix has been in town for three weeks. Adrien and I had lunch with him the other day.”

Luka stilled as a busboy stopped in front of them, offering them glasses of champagne. Luka’s nose twitched, then his lip as he turned away with a polite smile. Marinette shook her head in turn as well.

“You know you don’t have to pass just because of me, right?”

“Hey, we do this ‘young 20 some year olds unable to drink alcohol’ in solidarity together.” He cracked a smile at that, “Soda is my alcohol.”

“Alright, you can be an honorary member of the alcohol intolerance club.” Luka laughed when she hummed gleefully. “Dork.”

“Nerd.”

“So, back on topic, Adrien just really had no excuse then?”

“Ha, no, even his dad stopped by an hour ago to congratulate me and get press photos done to promote the line. All his son did for me was send a text with a sad face attached to his cancellation.”

“... I can kick his ass, you know?”

“I know, I’m just saving for a rainy day.” She laughed, stepping closer to his side and wrapping both arms around his. “So, the ticket, you party crasher.”

“Right, yeah, I may or may not have called your assistant earlier today to swipe it. I took a guess that she held onto it for safe keeping so-,”

“She’s new, I’m not surprised she just gave it up that easily.” She let Luka guide her into a dance. One hand with painted black holding hers to his chest, the other gently tugging to hold his shoulder before he held her waist.

“Oh, that, that explains a lot now.”

“What?”

He flinched, a nervous glint flashing across his features. “I may or may not have lied about who exactly I was since she didn’t know my name-,”

“Doesn’t listen to your music, already told her the sin she was committing.”

“And who I was to you, specifically-,”

Marinette tilted her head back in a laugh, Luka’s arm tightening to brace her weight, “You said you were my husband, didn’t you?”

He flushes at a memory of once getting a creep off her back a year ago by claiming that very title to her.

“Erm, no, I said I was your boyfriend and may have sold it by saying some pet name and swooning over you just a little,” he watched her eyes go wide then soft, a smile twitching to show. He stepped closer, almost pulling her flush to him, “But if that’s what you want, I can go out and get some marriage certificate?”

She flushed, lips parting and a rush of air passing them.

“Maybe call Jagged up and fly us to Vegas? I mean, we’re both looking good right now, you more so.” Her face went a shade or two deeper. She jumped in surprise when he let go of her hand to play with a tendril again on the right side, tilting her face to press a kiss to her left cheek. “God, you’re such a pretty little thing.”

She squeaked.

“What, what was the pet name?”

“Hm?” He lazily met her gaze, a dream like haze filter over them as he moved her body to sway with his. “Oh, that.”

“What was it?”

Baby, babygirl, beautiful, gorgeous- he may have said more than one.

He gave a slow and wicked grin, twirling her out and back into his chest in a swift and stunning movement as he nudged his nose to hers.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He teased, smile spreading wider and radiant as she forgot to breathe for a second.

What. A fucking. Tease.

The need for him to make good on his words and looks hit through her hard and reminded her of their one night together that they both never forgotten. And how much she wished that was every night, as long as it ended up with them curled right around each other and love and happiness coaxing them to sleep instead of stress and loneliness.

He watched her steel her gaze, her jaw tightened. He swallowed when her height, now of five feet thanks to heels, straightened and forced him to pull up. A violent shiver rocked through him when both hands held along the back of his neck, one slipping under the collar of his shirt to scratch along the nape.

“Marinette-,” he choked.

“I’m only asking so I can show my reciprocation.” She leaned closer, kicking her shoes off into some corner and standing on his converse that every elder of theirs had eyed in question during the night. He supported her actions fully, of course. Still stepping them around in dance within a fluid motion. “Not gonna tell me, hun?”

He coughed, loudly and looked away from her to catch his breath. Watching adults cheat on spouses everywhere or everyone else minding their own business to stare at models or the shrimp on the tables.

He almost tripped when she wined in protest, her hand gripping his chin lightly and turning it to face her. His eyes were flickering between admiration, lust and love, growing three shades of deeper blue than was possible.

“C’mon, baby, tell me.”

“Baby?” He stammered out in surprise. Teenage Luka was having a fucking field day with this. “Marinette, I was only joking earlier and-,”

“Were you really though?”

“No,” his response was fast and instant, a wince playing at the corner of his eyes and his button nose scrunching in loss of control.

“Hey handsome,” he preened under the nickname passing her lips, even if close to millions called him the same thing, it paid more effect when it was Marinette calling him it. “Tell me why you came tonight.”

His neck was aching from staring down to meet her eyes now that the heels were gone but he let himself down lower to press his forehead to hers. “Because you deserve better than what he gives you.”

The girl stilled, expecting an awkward or a flirtatious remark. “What?”

The rockstar looked away sheepishly, a little ashamed. “I know you’re considering getting with him, but when I heard he was canceling on you I let my jealousy win out and I just wanted to be there for you.” He bit his lip when he felt her tugging his face back in her direction, choosing to resist the pressure. “You have to believe me when I say I came with no ulterior motives other than protecting you from going stag to your own party tonight.”

“You, you came to protect me?”

He shrugged, another small shiver racking through him when her hands moved along and glided across his neck. “And make sure you had a good night. I even asked your mom what you were wearing tonight just so I could make sure my outfit complimented yours to cheer you up.”

She was silent for a minute or so, and he waited, patiently as ever and guiding her to rest her head against his chest as he swayed them.

Luka, doing all the work. Luka, taking matters into his own hands when someone fails her. Luka, going the extra mile to make sure she has a happy memory.

Fuck giving second chances to other people. Luka is the only one to have shown her he’s the most earning of the concept and notion.

She pulls away, feeling the slight reluctance in his arms on her waist before they drop to his side, “Grab my heels.”

He raises a black brow but complies, turning to find them and hooking his fingers in the backs. He eyes them, used to seeing her shoes laying around the Liberty when she comes over or even at her own place, but he always has to remark that, “You have small feet.”

“You’ve also called them cute,” she huffs, tugging on his hand and pulling him near the entrance.

He follows, like they always do for one another. “Because they are- where are we going?” He stops them as they round an empty corridor, away from the hotel’s event room where the party is still very much happening. The heel of his palm grips tight to archway, pressing against it, the small shoes still dangling in his hold.

“Home, your place or mine. Actually, mine’s closer.”

He laughs brightly, “You can’t ditch your own party for another movie night, Mari.”

The petite girl turns to him, a fierce expression in his eyes that makes him swallow harshly. “No, but I can ditch to celebrate in getting what I really want. For finally getting what I want.”

“The Chinese takeout place is closed this time of ni-,”

“You.”

“What?” Luka wheezes, he blinks stupidly at her. Prettily and stupidly. He straightens, freehand tugging at his collar a little like he needs room to breathe. “Come again?”

“I’m going home. I’m taking you with me. And we’re gonna celebrate that I finally got off my ass and got what I wanted.”

He hums, nervously and a bounce starting in his hand, a shake in one hand, his dark brows furrow, “And you want?”

“You.”

“You- you want,” he sucks in a sharp breath, pain flashing across his features as he clears his throat. “You want me?”

Her eyes soften, a smile showing as she steps closer to him and takes his face into her hands, pulling him down to be eye level with her as he braces his weight on the wall next to them with a hand.

“Yes,” he looks awestruck as she giggles. “I want you... can you let me keep you?”

He laughs nervously, “I’ll fucking sell myself to you if that’s what you really want, fuck.”

She’s smiling, leaning up on tiptoes to alleviate the strain in his neck and pressing a kiss to his lips, muffling the undignified noise of surprise that escapes him. She lets him get used to her for a second, kissing him slowly and purposely as starts to eventually overcome the shock and kiss her back in reverence.

He pulls away suddenly, a guilted expression on his face.

“Wait, wait. What about Adrien?”

“What about him?”

Luka fidgets, a quick glimpse of insecurities and jealousy showing to her before he regains a semblance of control after having his walls knocked down. “He’s been trying to go out with you, win you affections.”

He only knows of the situation, but never presses her to talk about it. It’s natural for it to come up in conversation everyday when he asks her about work knowing the stress of being twenty-two in a high end fashion company could be a bit more than overwhelming. He wanted to be a safe place to her since the beginning.

“There’s nothing about him. I’ve shut him down an handful of times and now it’s just a matter of letting him indulge himself in what he thinks are romantic gestures when me saying no doesn’t cut it. There’s nothing going on between him and I, just his belief that my crush from years ago accounts for something today.”

Luka still looks wary and isn’t touching her, most likely his conscious trying to be the better person between him and Adrien by not going out with the girl his friend is pining after.

Even if said girl is Luka’s legitimate best friend and the very same girl he’s been in love with since he was a kid.

Marinette feels like it’s a dirty tactic as she gets closer to him, trying to gauge where it’s jealousy and where it’s insecurity in regards to Adrien.

She presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. Luka’s head turns minutely at the attention, tilting less than a centimeter to catch her lips before he catches himself. He struggles when her next kiss falls to his lips and is soft and slow, how he always wants to kiss her.

“Remember our first kiss?” She whispers, wounding arms around his waist and pressing close to him.

He matches her volume, an adoring look winning for a split second, “Of course I remember.”

“Remember our first date?”

“At the ice cream parlor, you wore a pink skirt that kept twirling when you did.” She feels his resolve break a little, his own right to be selfish with her slipping out a little.

His arms slip around her, and he presses a gentle kiss to her temple. “Remember our goodbye at the airport?” His arms tightening around her speak more volumes than his strained, “Yes,” does.

She’s just a little closer to convincing him to stop being so sacrificial with his own wants or needs. She just has to push more.

“Remember waking up in one another’s arms that morning?”

He’s silent for a few seconds, thinking of what he can say in response to that. Wondering how honest to be, “... every day, I think of that morning every day.”

She still hears the clipped apprehension in his voice. That tone she knows so well that’s gonna lead into him giving her advice to rethink this whole decision and talk to him when she’s absolutely sure. How she shouldn’t think on impulse and lunge at what she wants unless she knows she does wanna keep with it.

But, he has to know she always thinks back on moments with him and that she longs to have jumped on impulse if it meant being with him.

Every time he’s showed up with takeout at her place. When he smiles so freely at her. When he bandages her cuts and blisters from working all night long.

When he showed up tonight looking like he had been her dare to begin with. How her heart felt when he admitted to lying to her secretary. The way he looked carrying her high heels that were much too small for his hands but he didn’t care because she asked him to.

How he crashed her own party to make sure she’d have fun tonight.

She’s sure she wants this, him.

All those nicknames they could call each other. All the benefits of dating the other and having a date to everything the other needs to attend. Having her best friend be her boyfriend meaning there’s no holding back from anything.

She’ll cringe about it in the morning, but it’s gotta work to break his long instilled fear of being a bad friend or person. Of being unselfish.

“Do you still remember that night?”

She’s sure he’s stopped breaking by the way his entire body seems to shut down, but then it reboots and he’s shaking against her and can’t seem to breathe correctly, his eyes avoiding hers as he swallows again and looking like he’s willing to risk going into an allergic reaction for the sake of one drink.

“That- that’s not something you forget, Marinette.” His hands are twitching on her waist, grip tightening just a little and a vein is jumping in his arm to do something to prove he remembers alright.

One more push, “Do you still remember how I tasted that night?”

He seizes her waist, lunging to kiss her desperately like he did that night and when he left, a growl passing his lips onto hers. He’s cupping the back of her neck, fingers threading through her hair, breathing her in and shaking against her as his resolves breaks completely and the selfish side comes out. The one that’s nowhere near as selfish as the average person, but enough to take in the matter of his own needs and wants. He pulls back, letting her watch his eyes darken, the pupils expanding until the blues are next to near mere ridges of color. He’s watching hers do the same before he nudges her nose and kisses her slowly, more loving and affectionate. His control slipping back into place and resulting in the Luka she so loves regaining the handles of his own mind.

He’s careful in the way he tugs her lip with his teeth, how he coaxes her to let him kiss her fully before pull back and panting against her lips.

“Yes, I remember,” his voice is rough and he has to glance away from her and straighten. She watches him take a few meditative breaths before he looks back at her.

“Does that really help?” She gestures to his chest and mouth, “the breathing?”

He laughs hollowly, “No, not really, but it bought me time to create some distance in this,” he glances around, “Not your apartment place.”

She laughs at the suddenly horrified look that crosses his face, the image of them making out and the threat of almost being caught in public instantly dawning on him. He glares playfully at her.

“You did that all on purpose.”

“Had to, you were just about to give me up for the sake of being a good friend to me and Adrien.” She pauses, a wicked idea forming to prove her point, “Unless, you want Adrien to know what that all is like?”

A dark look crosses Luka’s face; unrestrained bouts of suppressed jealousy, possessiveness and territoriality. “No,” he growls out, eyes squeezing shut and having to clear his throat. “I’d rather not let him know any of that personally.”

“Not even how I taste?”

“Marinette,” he warned, the growl resurfacing. She cooed, wrapping him up in a hug and pressing a kiss to his jaw as an apology. He whined, “It’s not funny when you do that.”

“No, but everything you feel is alright to feel. Don’t hold back for the sake of not being selfish. You can be selfish with me, you’re a reasonable guy and know boundaries.” She sighed, nuzzling further into his warm embrace. “I don’t like Adrien the way he wants me to, and lately, it’s hard to even be his friend. He needs to move on from me. Hell, I’m better friends with Félix now than him.”

“Just hope they don’t switch up on you again.”

She huffed in amusement. “God no, I’d kill them.”

“It’s adorable how how your less than five feet body resorts to violence and death threats.”

“Mm, except you, I’m quite fond of you.” She looks up at him, chin pressed to his chest and smiling when he looks at her softly and presses a kiss to her nose. “This, us, is not an impulse. Just a restrained want I’ve had for awhile.”

“Okay, I understand now.”

She grins cheekily at him, “Or need, if that makes you all possessive hot yet secretly adorable rockstar boyfriend mode again.”

“Boyfriend?” He smiled slowly, radiant as always and heart stopping. “If teenage me could hear you, he’d probably shut down from being overwhelmed.”

“Nineteen year old you certainly didn’t that night,” she mumbles, grinning at the loud bark of laughter that surprises the both of them when Luka throws his head back.

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me what age I lost it at, totally rockstar of me, right?” The blush that’s coating his neck and ears is adorable, a shy smile quirking at her briefly.

“I think it’s sweet, cute even.”

“Yeah, because you’re the one I lost it to.” He deadpanned without conviction. “But, I guess I’ll take being sweet and cute.”

“It’s okay though, I mean, I did the cliché of losing my virginity to someone I was in love with.” Luka does in fact shut down in her embrace hearing that. Hands jittering against her and fingers tapping like he’s trying to speak through notes against her skin.

He takes another minute, before pressing a kiss to her hair. “If this is you confessing your love to me -and believe me, it’s killing me to stop you right now, I’d rather you do it in regards to another topic and not the fact that we were one another’s first time.” He avoids the dangerous smirk aimed his way, or the sharp angle of her cocked, black brow above breathtaking blues. “C’mon, let’s go dance some more and celebrate your success before we leave, maybe find your assistant to introduce me as your boyfriend to.”

She pours at him when he tugs on her hand in the direction of the party. “But-,”

He breathed out shakily, a waning patient look in his eyes and a false smirk aimed at her. “Can I sleep over tonight?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes,” he breathed. “I’m very close to just following you home at this point, trust me. I don’t care how the night ends, just as long as it’s you and me tonight.”

She’s letting him make them dance again, feeling as the nerves leave his body as he gets them to fall in step with the tempo. He doesn’t care that he has to bend a little ways down to rest his cheek on her hair, not when she’s letting him pull her up against his chest when she typically only reaches the bottom of his rib cage.

They work well together, they fit perfectly together because they’re more than used to the instinctive adapting to one another.

Her hands cup his cheeks, kissing him carefully without reservation and the anxiety, “It was only an impulse at times because I love you and have for awhile.”

Luka deepens the kiss just a little, thankful she’s the type of girlfriend to let him indulge in her as he smiles, “I get it, I’ve had my share of impulsive thoughts for as long as I’ve been in love with you since we were young. I love you, Mari.”

“Enough to crash a party for me, apparently,” she whispered, a little moved by the thought that they were finally together. He thumbed her tears away.

“Enough to kill Adrien or Félix if you ask me to,” he replied in a loving tone, soothing her gasps for air when she broke apart in giggles against his chest in reaction.

He didn’t leave after that night. And he went to every party as her date too.

[mystic-faraday]

UTIL Plays Phoenix Wright: Justice For All (Case: Turnabout Bigtop... *sighs*)

(We had a drinking game going on while playing this case, if you would like to play your own version of the Turnabout Big Top drinking game, you can find it HERE )

- “Time for the worst case”

- “Breaking news: spirit channeling is a STEM FIELD! NOT magic.”

- Phoenix VA:  “Alright pearl you’re gonna learn about gay people” Pearl VA:  “I hope you have a good night and learn about gay people like me” Franziska VA: “Oh I think he already knows sweetie”

- Pearl “I wanna be gay when I grow up” Fey

- Max :“you’ve got to be pulling my magic wand” Everyone in call collectively: NOPE,NO NO NON O

- “Are those homestuck horns on his desk?”  “It’s a moustache!”  *unanimous chanting* “Model magic moustache!” 

- Miles VA: “I like knitting” Franziska VA: “And I like coins” Together: “We did not come out of the same loins”

-"cotton eyed m--" "HOW BOUT COTTON EYE NO?????"

-Gumshoe VA:  "Maybe I did wanna be a magician, maybe I didn't. what are you, a cop?"

-”Why does Moe have a set of suspenders that have such a defined butt?” “THOSE PANTS IMPLY MOE HAS A DUMPTRUCK ASS”

- Moe: Appears for the first time and tells his first joke Entire VC: silent as everyone takes a drink

- Maya: “Phoenix Laugh!” Phoenix VA:“Har, Har, Har, Har, Har *opens flask* har har **takes sip*”

- “We all have a metaphorical carrot in front of our faces…or something”

- “Guys, does Moe Fuck??? “OBJECTION: no one wants to hear the answer to that” “Well he’s got that Dumptruck Ass” “Moe the clown more like Hoe the clown”

- “What if we kissed under the carrot mistletoe and we were both clowns”

-We uncovered the collective truth that Manfred von Karma, like every single other person in the ace attorney series, is transgender, and therefore did not need to sleep with anyone to create Franziska 

- “The straightest character in this series is Trilo ‘cause he’s made of wood”

- Everyone refusing to read any lines of dialogue relating to the marriage / relationship between a child and a grown adult &  Casually just skipping entire sections of dialogue because none of us have the emotional willpower to voice act them.

- Trilo Voice: nipples!

- “WE CANT SAY # GIRL IN THIS COURTROOM!”

- “Bitter love tria” *cuts off mid-sentence due to psychic damage*

- “ I cant believe I dodged a fucking bullet by voicing the clown”

- “How do you respond to this?” *Someone’s bottle making a swish noise as everyone takes a drink* “The Foley of it all”

- Franziska Voice: he’s my poor little meow meow

- “I’m never forgiving this game for west clownadelphia”

-“Have you met my proctologist? Dr. Seymour Butts!!’ “OH MY GOD LARRY’S DAD?!” “Everything is circling back to Moe’s ass...”

- Miles VA: This is why I left the country Franziska VA: IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING WE DID IN OUR CHILDHOOD PLEASE PICK ME UP IM SCARED

- Mii Sports ‘Nice Shot’ plays every time Franziska whips someone

- Moe: Trauma dumps in a court of law 2 seperate people: Sir this is a wendys

- “I’ll talk as long as you want!” UTIL greek chorus: ~Please Don’t~\

- “my poor little honk honk”

- “Something is toying with this court and it’s not me”  “IT’S THE GODDAMN PUPPET”

- “I don’t know why (im so tired)- actually i do. it’s because we’re playing bigtop”

- Actively replacing the word ‘sweetie’ with any word starting with the letter S

-*long pause of silence* “I think his nipples are the roses”

- “Max has a big... bust?” “We get it Phoenix, you’re a tits man!”

-”(Max’s Bust) Went missing 5 days ago” “HE HAD TOP SURGERY 5 DAYS AGO?!” “Teetus Deleteus”

- *Call dead silent except for the voice actors during the ‘Prosecutor Edgeworth chooses Death’ discussion* *The moment the scene ends* “WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS IN TURNABOUT BIGTOP?!

- “Miles Edgeworth chooses Bed”

-“Ooh ooh ah ah come here my little pogchamp”  Money: Instantly starts attacking Phoenix “ I guess he didn't like being called pogchamp”

- “I want to get to the end so i can get a shirt or pin saying ‘I survived the big top’” (Note: Everyone who made it to the end got a server role called ‘I survived Turnabout Big Top)

-“Moe is Regina’s uncle because he was dating the ringmaster” “The ringmaster is his rebound from his breakup with Manfred” “Terrible work everyone”

- “~Because it’s turnabout big top and life is a Fucking Nightmare~!”

- Entire VC, entering HOUR 6 of this case: “This is the case that never ends! It goes on and on my friends”

-‘Nothing can interrupt me expect death itself” *very quietly in the distance* ‘nice shot’

-Leon: *Bites Bat* “WAS THAT THE BITE OF’ 87?!”

-Phoenix: Deep, deep down I know you want to do good Franziska and Edgeworth: *hissing*

-Acro: *Starts Crying* *in the distance* nice shot\

-Edgeworth: *Appears at the ending scene* Franziska VA: THATS MY BROTHER

“Turnabout Bigtop, The End” Entire VC: *ERUPTS IN CELEBRATORY SCREAMS*

BONUS ROUND: Alternative Names for Turnabout Big Top: Turnabout Please Stop Turnabout Big Top: It Only Gets Worse Turnabout Nice Shot

VIDEO VERSION: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhpeReADAoM

[chaotic-nick]

Note: I typed this while listening to my online lectures haha, also this is pure self-indulgentment for @ack3rlady 's Vet's day event. This is pure fluff. Also, the vets are set in an Indian school au, and the way they speak is how my friends and I speak.

word count: 2k

Pairings: Slight Eruri, Miche Zacharias x Reader (Mutual Pining)

Even from afar Nanaba could tell that the energy surrounding the five was gloomy. Dismayed even. She could tell it stemmed from the papers they were holding. Must’ve been given to them during the morning assembly. Still she walked ahead, feet switching the football from one too another as she made her way to the covered court. Her classmates going to the main field.

Moblit was already there, being tormented by hanji to torment her grades. And with Levi’s aura in watching him scribble down numbers.And the other three were in a different part, feet all meeting together, pretending to read the forms. Catching (Y/n)’s attention, Nanaba was invited to sit next to them with a simple pat on the ground.

“What’s up?” She kicked the ball far to the other side of the court.

“They gave us our stream forms,”

“Ah, that’s why they rushed us out,”

“You try to enjoy your ninth now.” (Y/n) was quick to pout, the paper with the three options to choose from was nothing but an annoyance now. “ But see, when did we ever enjoy in this school? They see you sitting down and they remind you of boards.Boards this— boards that. Especially that Adam Sir, bitch.”

At the mention of the name, Erwin set his form down and let out a huff. Last week that short bastard had nothing better to do and called him out for having a different haircut. What was he to do? Shave or slick it back? “I think I might change—” his joke cut off with Miche’s quick ‘Fuck off’. Reminding him that the joke was as worn out as the promised blazers that never came to them.

Probably even when they graduate.

Nanaba - “So, I take it you aren’t changing schools? My mom’s suggesting it but I don’t wanna leave Moby.”

“American schools are shit.” It was Miche’s way of agreeing. Though, he’s American himself—.

After a long look at Erwin, (Y/n) turned to him to ask, “They exist here? I know the one the embassy built is here . . .”

“There are a few more. And they cost an arm and a leg.”

“Torso, even.”

The interaction Miche hoped to have so much of was short lived, when (Y/n) turned to Erwin. Bouncing even. As she pestered him again. “Erwin, remember when they would ask us why we weren’t in our respective schools?”

“Yup, and when they put us together in front for annual day until fifth.”

“But why?”

“See Miche,” he was sure that her hand patting him made him redder than the middle eastern sun. “Bengalis, Nepalis, Pakistanis and us. We’re all considered non-indian. But if you look at their actions, especially the vice principals, They are the non-indians and we’re foreigners. ”

To spite him, Nanaba chimed, “Yah, had you joined sooner you would know. Miche.”

“Ey,” Hanji cut them off. Hip jutted out, a hand resting on it.

“What Hanji?”

“She snagged our money and now Moblit’s at the canteen asking for Chai, you should go. I’ll

watch the teachers.” Came Levi with- most likely his- second cup of tea with no milk.

“But—” As big as he is, Miche was scared that one of the PE teachers would catch them, make them run around the field ten times.

Erwin waved a hand, dismissing his worried tone. “They won’t care, man. Too busy doing sport’s day stuff.”

“So, Chai?” And (Y/n) looking up at him.

“Heck yeah,”

”Chai,” (Y/n) hummed when the steam met her face. They wew all gathered at the staircase beside the canteen, hiding from the teachers who tried to keep them captive in the activity hall. The same hall they were given their stream forms in two years ago.

At the news of Levi telling them that there was a canister of chai at the canteen they all snuck out, leaving their class’s tables to all gather around it, refilling it as they please. They bought enough cups of Chai in the past years for the canteen keeper to let them sit there. It was quite a sight, all of them dressed in their best formal wear that they’d be laughing at years from now, sitting on the ground as if life has hit them hard enough.

Miche held his own cup, sipping from it occasionally. BUt unlike them who made a big deal out of the still hot chai with the strongest flavour, he couldn’t stop looking at her. “Why can’t they put the farewells after boards and at night like our seniors. Would’ve been so much fun. But nooo, can’t even enjoy the farewell without hearing about boards or viva— you have practicals, right?” She looked at him, her trademark pout and furrowed brows.

“Yeah,”

“Sooo, where you guys off to for uni?”

“You asked, you should answer first.” Levi waved off, going somewhere again.

“As long as I can host events and can be in the arts, I’m fine wherever.” She shrugged. How she delivered a seven minute speech earlier and not suffering from voice cracks had Miche swooning over her. Well, he’ll swoon over anything she does. He liked her ever since she let him sit next to her when he arrived in tenth standard. Introducing him to the other American- Erwin. She leaned closer to him, sending his heart into a panic— or maybe it was the start of a premature heart disease. “You’re really warm, Miche.”

“Yup, I wanna still be active in debates.”

Hanji looked at Erwin. Bewildered at the most. Mouth hanging open. “But you’re already going into law.”

“It builds character?”

Miche shrugged, asking for another refill of his tea. “My mom told me to have a feel of the motherland— so, Washington.”

(Y/n)- “You’ve never been to America?”

“As a child, yes. But life happens so we moved around Asia until we settled here.”

Then came Levi with his sleeves rolled up, blazer hanging off his shoulders. “Mom’s taking me to Japan with her, she’s resting her wings. She’ll be in the farm—”He talked as of he didn’t sneak a tray of Vadas out the food hall for them. Noticing the absurd looks they gave him, he continued,“—don’t ask where I got this, just eat it all.”

“So, I guess this is the last time we’ll be drinking Chai like this, huh?” How (Y/n) brought it up so cheerfully, quickly hit them square in the face.

“Oh,” Erwin hid his sullen look behind his empty cup, pretending to drink at nothing. Eyes casted down. “Yup, that’s life.”

Hanji delivered a slap at Erwin’s back that had him coughing. Miche and (Y/n) laughing while trying not to spill their drinks.“Then we can all go to study as much as we can together!”

“We have different exam schedules, dumb fuck!” Yelled Levi, flicking her forehead in return when he sat down across her.

“Well boohoo Levi, at least I’m trying to keep my friends together until we all leave.”

Another picture just for the sake of having plenty to choose from. Sure locals were looking at them like they were very typical white tourists— which they were. Singapore was an entirely new country to them after all. But the chai cart that promised actual Chai.

He and Erwin may have cried over not being able to buy chai where they were when they moved for uni.

Erwin on the other hand had to applaud Miche for never caring how they looked. Sleeves already rolled up before they even stepped into the building right in front of them. He sighed, downing his cup. “She’s—”

“No, Erwin.” A stern look on Miche’s face to remind him of the correct pronouns.

“They are gonna kill you— Murder Moblit first and when she sees us, we’re done for. Shit. This pronoun thing is confusing.” Well, at least he tried.

“Then you’re not a good friend.”

“You joined the gang last! AND still have that crush on (Y/n).”

“Oh, fuck you, Smith.” Smiling wickedly, Miche opened his instagram. “Anyway, I’ll tag Hanji in this. Make her turn green.”

“Do whatever you want— huh?” Erwin’s eyes widened when he saw who was . . . below him? Who he towered over.

“Hmm?”

Her heels weren’t that high. It was just her big enough personality and aura that the clicking noises her footsteps made terrified her colleagues. And today she wore a very sour expression, too. ”I am not hosting this event.” The section of the paper she held crumpled under her,

A program flow of the events.

“You’re already holding the program flow.” Levi, too, held a manila envelope with profiles of who he was going to translate for.

“Shut up, Levi!” The crisp air of Singapore after the rain cooling their napes.

She slung her bag behind her, patting her skirts pockets for loose change. “I told them, ‘tell me three days before an event’ and now this? The fuck am I supposed to do with this?”

“If it makes you feel better, I’m starting tomorrow until next week.”

“With what?”

“Interpreting the Japanese businessmen with a professor from Washington. And a business lawyer, too.”

“Demn, big brain.” She felt the foreigner’s back on her, moving away from whoever it was. “I ask the universe to let me go to sleep and this is what I get in return— now I don’t have any change on me.” It was a a day out of balance, and with someone standing near the chai cart that gave them a bit of comfort, it felt like nothing was going their way.

“I got it,” Levi’s eyes that were looking at her widened when he met those blue eyes he only saw in instagram posts.

“No, I got it,” Erwin waved his wallet, finally putting a hand on (Y/n)' shoulder to turn her around.

“Hah?” She said, eyes wide. “Oh my god.” And then moving to see who was with him. Miche.

She felt her heart clench. He was even more handsome now. Hair still hanging in the front and a ponytail at the back. And a stubble that their former school made him shave was there now. ‘He’s only handsome in pictures because you can cheat in them.’She told herself and Levi and when they found themselves staring too long at them. Miche, was a dilf. Theoretically, not in practice. And with how he looked now. And at her. She was willing to be the one to put it into practice.

Miche felt his heart beat out of his chest, it was all her was hearing. Even when a good decade has been put behind them since they graduated school, he was still so . . . in love.“Hey—”

“Hanji’s really, really, really gonna turn green.” Erwin just had to ruin the moment, smiling so brightly ayt Miche. When he was met with a glare, huffing as he looked right back at (Y/n) “Right? Right Levi?”

Instead Levi only smiled at him. It was genuine, too. He knew that Erwin;s found himself in the years they were all away from each other. And the hope of his feelings ever being reciprocated lurked around. “Yeah,”

(Y/n) was already at Miche’s side, drinking merrily. Out of the many places they could’ve met and the many, many things she’s said, it was, “You’re still buying us, chai, right? Erwin?!”

Taglist: @axoxtxhxh @sinnerofthewalls @stigandr-the-cat @ghost-party @takemetofarlanchurch @ririthu @infinitechrono

[sleeplessphantom-0]

Using a pen for physics

I’m so tired, I’ve resulted to disturbing means to achieve my goals

[egelantier]

disco elysium

i fall into a proper gaming binge every half a year or so, and then forget that computers games exist altogether. my last bout of addiction was hades, a gorgeous roguelite about trying to get out of the underworld and dealing with family, bigger on the inside than it seemed outside. now i've spent a week headfirst into the beautiful madness of disco elysium, and i'm nowhere close to done. middle of the second playthrough, at least a couple more ahead, maybe three, maybe five - this kind of not closer to be done. finally, almost a decade later, there's a spiritual successor to planescape: torment, perfect, unique and compelling like nothing else. i'm head over heels in love.

(and a note: it's very much a game that can and should be played by non-gamers. it's a true click-and-pointer; the entirety of its action happens through dialogue. give it a try.)

in disco elysium, your character wakes up in an absolutely trashed hotel room, coming off a bender of epic proportions, fucked up beyond recognition, and fully amnesiac. it turns out you're visiting a (very much not) sunny town of revachol, a slowly decaying remnant of revolution and consequent war, and, well. you're a cop, and you're here to investigate a murder. namely, a murder of somebody whose dead body is still hanged in the backyard…

this is a horrendous mess, and you are a horrendous mess - bloated, amnesiac, confused, weird, pathetic, with a host of warring impulses and demands fighting for space in your head - but thankfully there's a pillar of stability and light in your dark world, waiting just downstairs: lieutenant kim katsuragi, your assigned partner from another station, a man with godlike sense of dignity and practically endless amount of quiet patience for your bullshit. together with him, you can investigate a crime, try to stop a small civil war, solve a couple of questions of the universe, and maybe, if you play your cards just once, dance a truly epic dance together in a shot-up church. there are also cryptids, karaoke, board games, collecting bottles for money, a mystery of a crashed police car, discovering your own feelings about the homo-sexual underground, and many, many other things.

(the gameplay: you have four sets of stats (intellect, sensitivity, physicality, interacting with objects) and, depending on how you distribute them, you play a wildly different character every time. there's no way to fail: your detective can be dumb as a bag of rocks but able to get by on intuition and muscle memory, or smart and horrible with people, or empathetic and weak, or - the combinations are endless. the game is conducted via a combination of red stat checks that you can do only once, and white checks that you can try, fail, up your stats and retry again. aside from a handful of cases, a lot of time it's easier - and funnier - to accept failures rather than try for a perfect go every time. you are a hot mess, after all. there are ten game days, a variety of sidequests and tasks, and almost endless variability in how you approach them. everything is connected, except for that one door.)

(there's also a political system, where you eventually pick up your political affiliation: a communist, a libertarian, a fascist, and a wishy-washy uncommitted liberal. the game has a lot of things to tell you about all your choices, most of them funny, some of them horrendous. there's no innocence here, and no way to weasel out of the consequences of your worldview; and you could also see that it was done by eastern europe people.)

and the thing is. the thing is, it's very much the kind of a game where you perform a field autopsy on a three days old corpse while a couple of preteen kids are watching avidly and offering their color commentary, and at some point you have to rummage in the corpse's mouth and feel its brain stem. a lot of very, very bad things happen or happened - to you, to the people around you, to the town around you, to the world around you. where in fallout you rolled into town with your stats jacked high and your blaster in hand, and solved ancient disputes and established peace, here the weight of the history is very, very heavy, and you're very, very small. you can't solve the decades of violence and war and trauma and colonization and poverty with the power of your save-scumming and pithy one liners, alas; but you can solve a murder. you can help a sweet and worried old woman. you can put your cheek to a kid's fuzzy plush toy, when offered. you can tell a person, gently, that their loved one is dead, and lie about how drunk they were when they did that. you can replace a taxidermied bird you broke. you can sit on the swing with your partner, waiting for the low tide, and whistle together - two birds on the wire…

it's the gentlest, kindest, sweetest, most hopeful game i've seen in the last decade. it's a goddamn manifesto to human spirit, and to how only - well, love - holds the world, always falling apart, together. a huge part of it is your relationship with kim, because believe me, whoever you are, most of your playthrough would be dedicated to chasing kim's approval and to winning his trust. but it also sneaks into all the cases, all the dialogues, all the little throwaway details. everybody is human; everybody is awful; everybody is holy, even you. oh, even you.

(there are storylines you can or can not discover. about why harry is such a mess - and it's awful and i loved how it was done, with empathy and grace and no judgement; about the state of the world, a bit of eldritch horror so throwaway and beautiful i would read entire volumes just about that; about the city of locusts; about a small girls' memory of playing in the reeds; about the scar of the revolution. suliram, ram, ram…)

(it's also brilliantly, awfully, absurdly, hysterically funny. Art Cop run alone makes me just about die. every failure is funnier than the other. you can be as weird as you want to - in fact, the game encourages you to be as weird as you want to be - and the world around will react accordingly, outperforming you in sheer absurdity. there's a war-and-peace sized amount of dialogue and description in the game, and it's written by some damn genius of pratchettian caliber.)

and, and and. honestly, the best way to get sucked into this game is not reviews, it's random quotes and screenshots, out -of-context spoilers - it's more or less impossible to resist. but please, oh please, give it a try.

>Someone's been walking around in your dreams lately, looking for something. Tidying up, rearranging. Storing away all the unrealized dreams, putting old pains in boxes. The worst nightmares have settled down for a while. A spot of light on the bedroom door after the dark. The fluttering of eyelids in the spring sun. A thought that arises, only to disappear again. And yet there's a pattern emerging…

>What if you didn’t lose your memory? What if something in Martinaise came and stored it all away. For you to slowly open one box at a time. So you can choose which parts to keep. Keep almost none of it. Only the flowers on the windowsill. Only the distant sound of a radio. Lose all the actors, the dark shadows, leave only the still lifes, the blissful distant wash of waves. If everybody knew -- you never did. She’ll be coming soon. That is all.

[catxsnow]

SAME SIDE R.H.

Summary: Based on the song same side by Jessie Reyes. In which Roy Harper thinks he’s knows what’s best for you after a lifetime together

Warning: Drug abuse, withdrawals, mentions of blood, angst 

A/N: I love writing for Roy PLEASE when requests open again send some for him. 

Word Count: 4.1k

How come I can't leave ya? Talk to myself at night, wonderin' why I feel like I am tied down to someone Who's makin' me cry more than makin' me smile

Roy Harper had been apart of your life for as long as you could remember. He was there when you picked up your first bow. When you had your first night out along side him and Oliver. When you had your first victory and your first defeat. There was no one you would rather have by your side than Roy.

When he was Speedy and you were his partner, there seemed to be nothing that the two of you couldn't accomplish together. Oliver might not have loved either of you going off on your own, but side by side he couldn't have a worry in the world. He trusted the two of you to keep each other safe, and for the longest time, you did.

No matter what situation you got yourself into, Roy was always the one to give you a hand. There was never a time that you doubted his ability to save you. He saved you from broken arrows, but he never seemed to be able to save you through broken hearts. He couldn't save you from himself.

Growing up, it was impossible not to fall in love with your best friend. Roy had a charm to him that was impossible to ignore. A classic tale of friends to lovers. You became inseparable on and off the field. Late nights taking bad guys down and even later nights stuck between the sheets of your bed.

Roy was a lover - and for the longest time he was a damn good one too. He was selfless to strangers, and to you he would do anything to make you happy. With him it seemed like forever wasn't long enough. Forever was your always with him, until it wasn't. Until Roy wasn't your always.

He couldn't save you from the times that he fell into a dark hole. He couldn't save you when his life became too preoccupied with drugs and alcohol. Most importantly, you couldn't save him from himself either. No matter how hard you tried, Roy always fell back to those roots.

No matter how many nights you were left yelling and crying over him coming home do you so high he could barely walk, you couldn't leave him. Roy had been part of your life for as long as you had known, leaving him seemed harder than anything you ever had to do. You couldn't, not when he needed you. Not when you still loved him.

Night after night he came back to you crying at how you had lost him. Roy no longer thrived to save the innocents. He didn't care what happened to himself, and not in the selfless kind of way that you once admired. The Roy that you had fallen in love with was gone, and you weren't sure if you were ever going to get him back.

It broke you to see him fill you with broken promises of trying to fix himself. Pleads and cries that he would always need you more than he needed those stupid drugs. No matter how many promises he made, he never could fix himself. He never wanted to fix himself. It was easier to feel nothing that the pain of memories of the life you lived together.

The life that you had to bare just as badly as he did.

Just make it through the night Lyin' to myself, sayin' I'll be fine I don't want you, I hate you, I think But I don't wanna be alone either

"I'm tired of this Roy! I can't keep going on like this!"

He promised he'd quit for good this time. After years of ups and downs you knew not to believe his promises. For some damned reason you did this time, only to be disappointed again. It was weeks that he was clean. Even if it was hard, you started seeing tiny glimpses of the Roy you once knew.

You spent every moment with him as he tried to better himself. Early mornings of finding him heaving over the toilet. Mid-day shakes that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he focused on them to stop. Night after night of his tossing and turning, unable to sleep or stay still. Every step of the way, you were there.

Roy seemed to bet getting better. He fell asleep at night holding onto you without the hours of endless insomnia. The shaking in his hands and legs had improved so much that he could hold his bow again. He was good, he was getting there. Most importantly you were proud of him and happy to have him back.

Until you noticed that the reason he was getting better, was because he wasn't getting better at all. Roy had been in a good mood - one that had got him dragging you to your bathroom and filling the tub with water. He had been having a lot of baths lately - the hot water helping with his tensed muscles and clouded mind.

Sitting in the bath with him filled you with a happiness in your chest that you hadn't felt in years. As simple as that moment was, it meant everything to you. But Roy's everything stemmed from the piece of packaging you found forgotten behind the toilet. Packaging for needles.

His faced drained of everything as you reached for it. The happy smile on your face fell to a cold look. Roy didn't have time to explain himself before you were out of the bath and reaching for your towel. He was only strides behind you as you marched to your room. Fury ran through you. He lied.

Roy wasn't getting better, he was falling right back to his old routine after weeks - months - of torture. No matter what, you told him that you would be there right by his side as long as he stayed honest with you. Instead, he lied to your face - for god knows how long too.

"(Y/N)-" Roy tried. The towel was tightly wrapped around his waist, pathetically watching as you reached for clothes to throw on. "Please, just..."

"Just what, Roy?" You snapped. The hoodie you pulled over your head belonged to him and you couldn't have even been bothered to notice. He did. "I asked you to be straight with me this time! No lies, no deceit, just the truth. With everything that we've been through together I thought you would understand. I know this is hard bu-"

"But you don't know!" Roy suddenly blew up. It was a cycle that you were constantly thrown into. Someone lies, someone gets mad, everyone gets frustrated. Years of heartbreak with him but refusing to leave each others sides. It always seemed easier to stay, and now... now you weren't so sure. "You're not the one who has to go through all this shit! You're not the one who's so fucking dependent on this.. this toxin!"

"You did it to yourself! You did it because you hated the person you were becoming and you couldn't fucking accept my help!" You countered. The words hurt you as soon as they left your lips. Blaming Roy was never something you did because you knew how guilty he felt for getting to the place that he was in. "Fuck, Roy... You know I didn't mean it like that."

You reached for his hands, sighing as he flinched away from you. Your arms dropped back to your sides, head tilted to the ground and ashamed too look up at him. All your years together, you never accused him of putting himself in this place - truth was, he knew you were right. It only hurt him more.

"I didn't want to lie to you," He whispered. It physically hurt him to lie to your face. You deserved the truth, and he just couldn't bare to see your disappointment again. He had seen that look too many times. "I'm tired of putting you in this position. You deserve better than me. You've always deserved better than me."

"Don't say that," your gaze turned to the shake in his hand. Roy clenched his fist trying to get it to stop but with no avail. You threaded your arms around him, tucking your head into his still wet chest. He was thinner than he was when you first left Oliver to become your own team. "You've always been the one."

You're such an asshole, but I see a prince And I'm a good girl, but you see a bitch I wanna make love, you wanna burn a bridge

Roy knew better. He knew that you deserved a life outside of his. He wanted that for you. Happiness everyday, not having to worry about him or even the life of a vigilante. If anyone in this world deserve freedom from the weights dragging them down, it was you.

So, as he tried to better himself - for what felt like the hundredth time - he tried to make it easier on. Unfortunately, he did it in the only way that he knew how. Roy pushed you away, just like he pushed Oliver and the Titans away too. You never thought he would stoop low enough to get rid of you.

Late nights out on his own - sometimes as Arsenal, sometimes as Roy. When you woke up in the morning he was already gone. You never saw him during the day and unless you woke in the middle of the night, you didn't see him in the evenings either. Roy was pushing you far away from.

His disappearance led to more fights. Fights that he edged on for the sole reason that it seemed easier to let you go if you hated him. The only flaw in his plan was that no matter how hard he tried, you couldn't hate him. If you did, you would have left him years ago.

Instead, he had to leave you. Roy was gone one morning. His bow and arrows packed up, the few possessions he cared about. The chain that you had given him that he couldn't bare to wear unless he was clean. You woke up to a cold bed and a broken heart.

You knew this was coming. Roy had been hinting at it for days without having to say anything at all. Sometimes he forgot how well you knew him. Sometimes he choose to forget to make it easier on himself. Leaving you was the hardest thing that he had ever done, but in the long run he knew it to be worth it.

It was the first time in weeks that Roy had gone to bed the same time as you. He wore only his boxers to bed, arms tucked behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. Weeks of not talking to one another. Weeks of missing him, missing his touch. Roy hadn't been the same since that night you caught him lying.

Maybe that night, maybe he was ready to go back to himself and try again. Maybe he was ready. You rolled over in your bed, cuddling into his side and embracing the little amount of warmth he had. Roy didn't tense up at your touch, but he didn't make a move to accept your embrace either.

Feather-light touches dragging along his chest, over his scars and flaws. He didn't seem to mind you doing it, so you continued. You leaned into him more, kissing the places you once trailed your fingers again. Legs pulling over to straddle either side of him. You left a line of kisses up his chest, his neck until finally reaching his lips.

Before you could even brush yours against them, Roy gripped your hips. You expected him to urge the movement of them. Instead, he guided you off of him, going back to his original laying space. He couldn't look you in the eye - why did you expect him to be able to kiss you as well?

That was the night you knew

Leaving you was impossible for him. You were all he ever knew for his whole life. Leaving you meant losing a part of himself. 

"Roy you can't keep coming home like this." Barely able to stay awake, blood dripping from what seemed like every inch of skin that was visible. Bruises littered his face and you were sure his torso was the same as well. There had been several nights where he had come back to you like this.

He sat silently as you stitched him up. Silent as he had been all week. Avoiding your calls and texts of wondering when he was going to come home. Roy hung his head low, unable to speak, or to look at you. Whatever was running through his head, you would never get to know.

As soon as the last stitch was done you stood up from your chair. Roy remained where he was. You stood in front of him, placing your finger under his chin to get him to finally look up at you. Tears brimmed his eyes and you knew it wasn't from the pain of the stitches or the wounds.

You kissed his forehead, lingering against his skin for what felt like the first time in months. To your surprise, Roy wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close. His head nuzzled into your torso and he suddenly couldn't bare the thought of letting you go. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"Go shower baby," you instructed. Roy's arms dropped to his sides and he nodded at your request. You waited in bed for him that night. Through the sound of him standing in the shower for nearly an hour. Hearing him shuffle around - but never making his way to your bed. To you.

So I wish I was a bad guy So we could just be fightin' on the same side

Patrol had become a lot more dangerous. No one to watch you back, no one to save you if you were to fail. It pained you at the thought of going back to Oliver to ask for his help. That bridge had been long burned when you left with Roy. Now that Roy had left you... it felt natural to go back to your mentor.

As badly as you wanted to, Oliver wouldn't want to see you. He made that clear last time you saw him. Maybe he deserved to know you and Roy split ways - maybe he just didn't care at all.

It took a while getting used to being out there without Roy by your side. It seemed to get easier as time passed until stumbling upon his broken arrows every once in a while. Broken arrows, tried up blood, torn pieces of his suit. He was getting himself into more trouble than ever before and he didn't have you to pick him back up.

Years and years you were always fighting on the same side, not it felt as if he had pitted you against one another. Fighting to stay alive and stay apart. It was eating him alive having to do both.

Some days you wondered if it would be easier to be just like him. Endure the same struggles just so he wouldn't have to alone - or deal with the pain that you had because of his. Maybe if you were the same, he'd still be with you. Maybe you could have worked together to be better versions of yourself.

Maybe you would have dragged each other farther down the endless pit that never could be crawled out of.

Roy didn't have your hand to reach for anymore, he was in that pit all by himself.

You said all your goodbyes You said that you would be out my life If I could just let you go, let you be on your own But, love, I need ya

Roy Harper had been in your life for so long that you didn't know how to live without him. Years of relying on him with everything and through everything. He was always there to help you, no matter what. You were there for him - it was the basis of your relationship. No one left to fend for themselves.

So, why did he leave? Why did he feel the need to abandon you when he needed you the most. Always. Always you stayed by him - why did he think you wouldn't want to do that now? He was the one who pushed himself away, he was the one that decided he didn't need you anymore.

Roy had done a damn good job of making you hate him - or at least making you think you did. He burned his bridge with you long before he left. Maybe to him it seemed easier. Or maybe he was just a damn fool who thought you were better off without him. Roy was a cinderblock on your ankle in the middle of the ocean.

But he wasn't. He was far from that. Roy was your life craft. He was the one that kept you afloat and safe from the unknown depths of the water. He kept you sane, even if he drove you insane with his actions. The world that you lived together, the horrors you saw - he was the only one to understand.

Without him you had no one. What was left to fight for when your home was empty. He didn't need you anymore, but that didn't mean that you didn't need him. It was a time of bottom of liquor bottles and reckless behavior. No longer caring if you had gotten an extra hit or cut on you.

Roy watched over you. He always kept an eye out to make sure you were alright - and as time went on he only saw you get worse and worse. It pained him to see you like this, so broken and so lost of hope. Watching you made him realize just how much he had put you through.

The line of whether or not he would be helping or hindering you by coming back began to fade. He wasn't clean, he wasn't back to the man that you fell in love with. But watching you continue down this path? He couldn't bare the thought of having you fall to the same level that he was in.

"Roy..."

He couldn't let you fail like he did. No matter what he put you through, all the shit he had done to you before leaving - he knew you hated him for it. Roy didn't care how much you hated him, he couldn't let you do this to yourself. Even if it meant that you would hate him for good for coming back - he didn't care.

Roy loved you too much to see you suffering like this. Which was why he stood at your front door, months after leaving it for the last time. You both looked awful - bags under the eyes, an evident loss of muscle, ratted hair. Being away had harmed you both, something that you had known that would happen.

"You can't do this to yourself," he spoke as if you hadn't been months apart. As if he still had the right to tell you how you should take care of yourself - as if he ever had that right. He looked at the stash of bottles littering your table, counter, even scattered on the floor. "You're going down a path that you're not going to get back from."

"Fuck you," you tried to slam the door. He stopped it with the palm of his hand, pushing himself into the place he called home with you for years. "You're the last person that's allowed to come here to tell me how to live my life! Of all people-"

"Of all people I'm the one that you should listen to the most," Roy cut you off. "Of all people, you should know exactly what it means to follow this path."

"You left Roy," You turned away from him. It was harder than you ever expected to see him again. Nights of craving for him to be back with you, yearning for his touch. None of it seemed to matter now that he was really here. You were just reminded of the pain he induced to you. "You left me."

He did. And fuck was it hard. Not having you be there to remind him what life was worth living for tore him to pieces. He knew that his journey ahead of him was going to be a hard one alone, but if it meant not making you suffer anymore... it had to be worth it. He never expected you to fall like this.

You were always the strong one. Always the one to be there whenever he needed for whatever fucked reason. Maybe he was too preoccupied in his own struggles that he never noticed yours. Truth was, it was easy to ignore them when you could focus on him instead.

"I thought..." He tried to say that it would be easier. Obviously, it wasn't for either of you. "I know you deserve better than me. You weren't going to make that choice, so I did."

"You had no right to make that choice!" You spun around to face him. Hot, angry tears strolled down your cheeks. "You pushed me away and never told me why! How... how was I supposed to live with myself not knowing why the person that's been at my side through everything just picked up and left me."

"I'm sorry," Roy dropped his head. You knew his guilty look. Caving into himself, making him look smaller than he already was. Refusing to meet your eyes but so desperately needing to. Hands in his pockets because otherwise he doesn't know what to do with them. Lips in a thin line.

This was by far the worst look you had seen him give. His knees threatened to buckle beneath him. You could see the shaking in his limbs but that easily could have been from the withdrawals he was forcing himself through. It was hard before, but it was near impossible without you at his side.

"I told myself I wasn't coming back, not until I was clean for good."

"And are you?" Obviously, he wasn't. You could see that he wasn't good yet.

"I'm trying," Roy's voice cracked. He looked up at you beneath the brim of his ball cap. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he was clearly biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from sobbing. "You always tried so hard with me and I could never prove myself to you. I hoped... I hoped that if I could do it by myself that maybe you'd be proud of me for once."

He watched you cross the room to stand in front of him. Your hands reaching up to cup his cheeks and wipe away the tears. It was easy to understand the reasoning behind why he left, you just wished that he wasn't stupid enough to believe that it was true. Stupid enough to think that after a lifetime together that you could be pushed away in only a few weeks.

"I've always been proud of you, Roy," You whispered. "I've always been here for you. You didn't have to leave, or push me away, to try and better yourself to make me proud. I didn't want you to."

Roy couldn't take the separation any longer. He flung into your arms, nuzzling into the cook of your neck. The faint smell of liquor rolled off your skin, but underneath he felt back at home with you. You were his home, not this half-ass apartment or under any roof. It was you.

"I'm sorry," He repeated. You felt him relax as you wrapped your arms around him. Suddenly, all that anger that you had at him for leaving, it washed away. Roy needed you, and you would be there for him whether he wanted you to be or not. "Please..." He tried to get the words out but his voice got caught in his throat.

He was home in your arms, just as you had wanted it to be. Roy quickly realized his mistake of leaving you. Months of working back up to gain your trust again, of doing his best to finally quit for you. He was going to be the best version of himself being back with you because that was what you deserved.

It didn't matter what version you had - all you needed was him.

"I'm here, my love, I'm here."

I'm sorry, made this world in my head I'm sorry I don't wanna quit this yet I'm sorry, I swear that I tried my best I'm sorry, can you be sorry instead?

[deniigi]

Hi Dr. Matt, I too am a college youth coming to you for advice, well actually more like concept. What does GPA actually mean, in terms of my ability to get jobs/go to grad school/etc. I grew up in a very "4.0" or bust household and while I've broken free (god that first B was freeing) I have less than 0 ability to actually add context to these numbers. Help?

Hi, anon!

So let’s start from the top and be real broad for you and other folks who might be in different circumstances:

GPA = Grade Point Average. Each institution may calculate this differently. I occasionally have to do them by hand, but why the fuck would you do that is the better question here.

GPA is usually a number between 0.00 and 4.00. Students who fall below a certain GPA at college/univ level (for many institutions in the USA, 2.0 is that number, which is a C average) go on something called Academic Probation

The reason Academic Probation is a problem is because if you are on Academic Probation for multiple semesters, you may be ‘Disqualified,’ I.e. Kicked out of your college/univ.

So in this sense, GPA functions as a way of demonstrating to the University and the people giving you Financial Aid that you are making satisfactory progress on your degree, and you are ‘worthy’ of continuing to receive subsidized education.

While that’s a shitty way of conceiving of humans and education, that’s the system we live in, and that’s essentially why it’s really important for people to be aware of their GPA.

It’s not that that number defines you or your intrinsic worth as a human, rather its that that number gives you access to other things.

Now, on that note, let’s talk about GPA in terms of social value, economic value, and social and academic mobility. It’s going to be a long conversation, so I’m putting it under the cut.

-------------

Depending on your field of career and study, average GPAs are going to vary.

Engineers, for example, go through such difficult classes that they have notoriously low GPAs. Like anything from a 2.0 to a 3.0 is solid and anything higher than like a 3.3 is considered by many in Engineering fields to be really good.

Many STEM fields are like this. Chemistry, Kinesiology, Physics, Math, Engineering, Biology, Bio-Chem, etc.

In many Social Science and Humanities fields, GPAs are less important than research and analytical abilities, writing strength, communication abilities, teamwork stuff -- transferable, “soft” skills essentially.

That being said, when you are trying to move up, academically or economically, GPA may become a factor that you start to think about--especially when you are applying to a type of specialized or graduate school (certification programs, nursing programs, teaching certificate, Masters degrees, PhDs, etc).

Many programs have GPA limits on their programs in order to thin out their application pools. Nursing programs may have a 3.0 minimum. Masters programs may ask you to have only gotten X number of Bs or Cs.

I want to emphasize here, however: GPA minimums depend on the program itself.

Prestige is one of the main driving factors behind demanding a certain GPA. Places with prestigious programs and jobs have the notoriety that brings them loads of applicants, which in turn gives them the ability to raise standards.

The top 10 schools in the US are going to be able to demand a 3.5 GPA or higher for admission.

The top firms in a city can say that you need X amount of experience in X area to be hired onto their team.

-----------------

When it comes to applying to graduate school stuff (law school, Masters programs, PhD programs), I would focus less on whether or not you have a freakishly high GPA and more on your extracurriculars, your publications, research opportunities, writing abilities, analytical skills, and the hard skills necessary for your chosen field (I.e. Knowing MatLab or Python or GIS).

The reason for that is that you don’t really choose a graduate school so much as you choose a supervisor at a graduate school.

So if you can connect with a potential supervisor and are able to demonstrate to them that you A) are an asset to their program and B) have the skills necessary to do the work, then they are often the ones who decide whether or not you get admitted.

Supervisors can often smooth over lumps and bumps when it comes to admission of graduate students because THEY will be the ones overseeing your work before the Univ/program is.

Example: When I applied to one of my schools, the potential supervisor I was working with coached me in how to structure my research statement. They also advocated for me in admissions, and I did, in fact, get into that school (even if I chose not to go). For my other choice, I worked with a different supervisor who helped me get funding to help me secure admission as well.

So in this way, it is far more important for you to impress a supervisor than to have the best GPA of all applicants.

--------------

Now for the rest of y’all who aren’t thinking about grad school or a certification program, you may be asking, “Will my GPA affect my ability to get a job in the future?”

And first off, I want to sort of break down the notion that your degree = your career. Only something like 30% of people end up working in the field they get their degree in, so that tells you already that GPA and choice of Major kind of doesn’t matter in terms of being able to make money.

But more to the point:

Generally speaking, most (like, 95% or something) jobs do NOT require you to list your GPA on your resume or any other application materials.

Some positions may ask you to demonstrate proficiency in a given area or hard skill. Some positions may ask you to provide proof that you completed your degree. But usually, this proof is given to a company AFTER you have applied and accepted an offer for the position.

Example: after I accepted my job, I was asked to submit proof of my Masters degree, because my offer was contingent on me having the credentials I said that I did.

Now, if you are fresh out of school and don’t have much experience, but you’ve got a bangin’ GPA, that may be something that you consider listing on your resume to demonstrate to employers that you are a smart cookie, simply lacking experience.

If you are a new graduate in a STEM field specifically, and you have a bangin’ GPA and are looking for work in STEM, then you may also list that on your resume.

But I want to emphasize that you don’t have to. It is your choice. And in this scenario, you would only do that if you were applying to a highly specific position where that mattered and if you felt that it would help you.

If you’re applying to anything that is not an internship or a STEM entry job (like a new engineer, a new lab assistant, etc) there is no reason for you to put your GPA on your resume. That should not affect your chances for a position.

------------

That’s probably plenty of food for thought for now. But anon, you can breathe. I got your other message and you are doing fantastically. Try to understand that the number isn’t as important as your competence and understanding in the material you are learning.

For right now, focus on building the skills. When it comes down to it, people would rather have a doctor who understands what to do to save their life than a doc who got a 4.0 in undergrad.

[usagi-mitsu]

Werlyt & Gaius - a bunch of thoughts.

I am a little late to the party. I know. But I just finished the Emerald weapon and before I go to try out the „not Zenos“ weapon as in „Diamond“, I need to get my thoughts on the story straight.

Perhaps I have been spoiled by 5.0s brilliant MSQ and cannot appreciate the inherent beauty of at least decent writing any longer. But this felt so wrong and out of tune with the rest of the game. I started writing this 2 hours ago! I wanted to one in bed by now! XD But I had to get it out of my system… so….

Spoilers for the MSQ and Werlyt incoming??? And no I did not re-read this so not just spoilers but also writing errors incoming. -.-

The good

These fights are epic! I have only ever cleared the normal versions, but I loved those. They are amazing. The callbacks to Eula (her being a woman here! When did they discover that???), Regula (may he rest in peace) and Gaius himself in his prime were delightful. But I could do with a little less rotating, ok? A dragoon has positional, you know? And being allowed to pilot my very own mecha was like *chefs kiss*. On that front? Well done Square Enix!

I am also glad they were able to get another use out of Porta Praetora! That place looks amazing with the wide open field and the lake – and Ala Mhigo across it. It was one of my favourite Stormblood areas and I am always glad to return there. And of course… being able to visit the allied camp again… And Werlyt itself. It’s simply a beautiful place. It reminds me very much of southern Greece. If you’ve watched the movie Mamma Mia you know what I mean.

The music too was really nice. But I don’t think I’ll… you know… listen to it on repeat as I am doing with other parts of the soundtrack.

I’ve also loved how much amazing lore we got about Garlemald and especially the garlean military. And the military abroad. The way soldiers not from the mainland get treated. I love learning about these things.

Gaius

The man. The legend. The guy yelling in Prae.

He’s so very boring here. He has so much potential as a character and maybe I’m missing something, but all throughout this story he has been nothing but passive. He’s a reactive character in this storyline. You know. The guy who made deals with Lahabread (the d is intended), tried to take over Eorzea, lead a whole army, stood idly by as the moon dropped, almost died but then decided just not to die and then though „hm… I’ve got so much freetime now. How about I go and hunt some ascians?“ That guy is NOT a reactive character. He is active. He goes out of his way to make shit he wants happen. And in here? He seems too starstruck and devastated by his adopted kids actions to actually have one clear thought.

The only explanation I have is that he might have gotten hit in the head by something on his way to the ruby weapon. I get why he would rely on Cid for help, but the WoL??? The alliance? If you wish to be an ally and help or something, fucking act like it. You were a former legatus and I expect you to live up to your name – even after retiring.

And yeah.. I guess it’s hard having to watch your kids willingly, knowingly dying. But you fucking raised them. You are a big part of the reason to why they are in that predicament. So like… Aside from that I don’t even get why you are in this story at all.

And for the record: I’m not sorry for him. I’m just flabbergasted by all the bullshit we’ve been learning about him.

To be quite honest, I think this story could have worked just as well or maybe even better, if we got another man as the „hero“ of the story. I am talking about none other than our engineering, hammer-swinging, ex-enemy - of course talking about Nero!

The MSQ has long established that his research into the Ultimate Weapon had been taken, twisted and turned – Estinien had to experience this first-hand. I’m not saying that Nero was in need of a redemption arc and I cannot remember if these weapons were of his creation or even stem from anything he did, but it would make so much more sense for me, to have him confront his past in the garlean military like this and be responsible for the death of his former colleagues. Soldiers that he served with, whom he faught with. Give me Nero and them working together to get the weapons going and him bonding with them as his pilots to a degree. Comrades. Not that strange familiar bond that Gaius appareantly has with them. … Scratch that: Let Gaius be the father figure. Him being that wouldn’t change Nero’s relationship with them, but maybe his with Gaius as his superior.

The story wouldn’t even need to try and redeem Nero: He has already gone through major character development with the MSQ and the Omega raid tier. It would simply be Nero, confronted with the things he created, hopefully instilling more morals and a sense of responsibility for his creations. Heck: Let Cid yell at the guy! Seriously! Cid sticking around to help out would make so much more sense if it was Nero instead of freaking Gaius! Cid hated the guy! He might be a professional, but he is not one to torture himself by staying around a guy he (as far as I know) detests.

Make Nero the central figure and give Cid and Gaius the roles of „angel and demon“: One desperately trying to reach out to his old friend, reminding him why they became engineers and trying to make him realise that he can’t just run around designing weapons and leaving the scematics for everyone to read; while the other has trouble letting go of his imperial past and is struggling to see the errors of his ways – if Nero was wrong, than he (Gaius) was wrong too -and of course they did all of this for their home, to further their cause, and to bring peace to the savage lands of Eorzea, who had been fighting amongst themselves for so long… You get the point.

And you could still have these gundam themed fights. But I think everything would make so much more sense in general.

But speaking of which-

The children

I do not truly care for any of them. And that is a shame: I do think there are great characters and dynamics hidden behind these very few cutscenes. When they were first introduced I was wondering why I was suddenly watching „heartwarming“ cutscenes of my foes as children – until I realised that I was supposed to care and that they were supposed to make me feel pity for Gaius. I was supposed to feel bad for him, because they died and he blames himself. But while their fates so far have been gruesome, I cannot say that I am sad they died. They chose to die as they did. There were a myriad more options. And they chose that.

Actually. Their whole story makes me feel like they were huge masochist from the very beginning. They could have just run away and gotten help from someone more competent than them, but they stayed in an abusive military arrangement just so nobody else got hurt?? Please. Use your brains next time. And for the Berserk-like torture scene? I mean. I get what was implied here. But was it necessary? As a writer myself I follow the rule that torture and sexual violence should never be used in a story, unless it must be in there for the story to work or to bring across a vital point important to the story or it’s moral (or if you are writing porn and you are into it – but we are talking official in-game content here). But the violence towards these „children“ seems unnecessary for the plot and the violence of their deaths by piloting the weapons is already gruesome enough. Sometimes it’s better to leave things like this out – the emotional torture of feeling stuck and having a martyrs complex would have been enough here, I think. If the rest of the story had been well written at least.

(I believe my utter lack of sympathy shows how little character developement they had. I love tragic characters, who choose to suffer for the good of other people – even better if those people don’t even like them. It’s just my thing. And those kids are just… well.)

Their reasons and especially why they were making Allie out as the one who would need to survive was also just… weird. Like. I feel like 75% of what happened would not have happened, if they actually talked to each other, used their brains and had done something about their problems. But no…

These characters are also so exchangeable with basic anime/j-RPG character tropes… I only remember Alfonse, Rex and Allie – because I just did the Emerald weapon. And right afterwards I thought, „huh. So… Fullmetal Alchemist?“ Which brings me to my third point …

…the story at large.

„Pacing is a virtue“ or was it patience..? Anyhow: The author of this story should have had more patience with his story and characters and taken a bloody break! And I am not talking about the obvious blunder of „How is Allie feeling?“, „she is in shock and you cannot talk to her“ turning to „oh yeah if you are careful you can talk to her now“. I mean. WTF. That was MAYBE 10-20 in-game minutes of dialogue.

But everything was moving so very fast – and not even in a good way. There are few things better than a fast paced, action rich story about a group of young people trying to safe (their) world. But if you try to cram in two expansions worth of character development and story telling into about two hours of content each patch.. Well, then you get whatever the hell this is.

Gaius is a very interesting character and while I did not understand why they needed to bring him back in 4.4 (?), I do see how he could be a good asset for endwalker. And his involvement in 5.0 with Estinien was just a dear delight. So I am not opposed to learning more about him, to watching his character grow and changed with time. But I am not ready for badly written content of which 50% get told by suddenly induced echo-sequences. I mean – weren’t there rules for the echo at some point???

I’m not sure which one of the devs said it, but the feature that let’s you play an NPC is super convenient for them to tell the story, because before they could only show what happened where the WoL was.

And that’s just it. Rule number 1 in writing anything is „Show don’t tell“. It feels like they literally turned this one around for these cutscenes. While Valens torture and diet-Fandaniel-routine were very much „show“, the rest of the story was one long cutscene of exposition: We get exposition by Cid, by Gaius, by echo, by Gaius and his crew again, then by Allie. Before having to watch scenes we are not there for.

BTW. Dear square Enix: Your writers are capable of writing amazing villains, antagonist and despicable assholes. You don’t have to write „asshole, must die“ on Valens name card. And I also think the „WoL, strike here“ sign above his head was a tad bit too much. Nuance, dear writers. Nuance. Or perhaps I just got spoiled by these last few foes in the MSQ.

When I said I wanted to just be able to punch a bad guy for once and not feel bad about it, I did not mean this! I meant that I just wanted to play training dummy with Danny-Boy.

(Oh! And as far as I’m concerned you can just… sideline Gaius … „would be killer“ and the lady? Make them targetable NPCs with Dialoge to read. Let them stand somewhere accessible and comment on the latest developement. But ffs don’t give me hour long speeches about how you are going to kill Gaius if he does something you don’t like. The guy could and would wipe the floor with you if he felt like it. -.- So. Please. Shut up.)

Conclusion

Basically. I have to finish the Diamond weapon. But I doubt it will change my perception of this story line even in the slightest.

To be perfectly honest though … bringing Gaius back, having this story with and about him, forcing a sort of redemption ark here. It feels like they are really „grooming“ him to be a morally grey ally in Endwalker, with perhaps a big part to play in the endgame. At this point I wouldn’t even be surprised if they pulled a GoT and made him „King in the North“. Or if they had him die a heroic death to save the world, but especially his country. And to do so they need us to think his sacrifice means something. Or that he is the right person to lead Garlemald into a new future (I don’t think he is). But: For one, neither we (the players) nor the characters need to find him worthy of throne or death by heroism for his sacrifice/ascension to work. To be a useful tool for the story, only the other garleans who might oppose the alliance and scions need to deem him or his sacrifice „worthy“. And only they. And Ishikawa-san has all of 6.0 to accomplish whatever the hell she needs him for. He did not need to be the center of his own botched redemption ark. If that’s what they wanted to do. Or maybe I’m looking at this all wrong and all they wanted was to give the writes in training some literal training grounds to test their abilities.

But! On a positive note: I have yet to be told that raids and other side content are canon to any degree. So when playing the next story quests I’ll blissfully ignore all that happened in Werlyt and if it get’s mentioned (because they do that sometimes when you’ve done certain content) I’ll just ignore it.

Happy ignoring! Also: GIVE ME MORE NERO CONTENT!

[sugardaddytonystark]

Release Life’s Rapture (part 3)

You stay at your godfather’s ludus for the summer, where you meet Jacobus, his champion gladiator.

author: sugardaddytonystark pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader word count: 2038

masterlist

x picture by @264jana x

That night, you dream of making love to Sol, god of the sun. His hair is as brown as the earth, eyes deep and blue as the dawning sky. His skin is bronzed from the sun to which he so lovingly attends, and in return for his diligence, his entire body is encircled in a halo of everlasting golden light.

You and your god are lain upon a large tanned hide, abed a field of green grass, deepened to a dim blue-green in the dark night. Sol looms above you, a single point of light against an otherwise black sky. He is bare as you, and where the god touches you, your flesh burns, his hands too hot for a mere mortal to withstand, his mouth too scalding. But there’s always a price for pleasure, and a night with a being as divine as he is worth the pain in exchange. 

So you wrap your thighs tight around the god’s hips as he thrusts into you, unrelentless, his cock thick and heavy inside of your aching cunt. He’s filling you up, stretching you full, making you feel a burning so different from the fevered warmth of his skin against your own. Your back arches as you seek out more contact, your heated, human flesh so fragile against the sun god’s searing skin. 

Your lover has your wrists above your head, one of his wide, rough palms holding them in place. The other is gripping your jaw, turning your face away from his so that he may nose at your throat and cheek and ear. His hot breath sends shivers down your spine and when Sol speaks, words like whispers so deep and low, you can’t make out their meaning, but delight in the sounds all the same. 

Your cries reach out into the deep, empty, endless night. The noise echo back into your ears and you feel blissfully alone - detached from the world and your existence, everything narrowed down to you and your god and this familiar but indescribable thing coiling in your stomach. 

Your breath catches as you feel Sol’s pace quicken, his hands tightening around your wrists and jaw. He bites down against the curve of your neck and hot tears spill down your cheeks as you feel him find his release inside of you. 

You sob and shake, you ache and burn. Sol whispers your name back into your mouth, guiding you closer and closer and closer with his hands and his cock and his words. You feel him around you, inside you, urging you on, but when you finally reach your peak, it’s not the god’s name that you call out in prayer.

 Blessed night has settled into another day, your god forced to return to the sky once more to fulfill his duty, leaving you with mere memories of his blazing touch. But, as a remembrance, he sends sunlight streaming through your open window, stroking your body and keeping you warm and satiated until the time may come for the god to descend upon you once again.

You long to stay abed, to wait for that moment when night falls so that you may once again greet your lover with open arms and open legs. You want to once again lose yourself to dreams - a much more appealing prospect than this waking nightmare. Even half asleep, you feel the sudden sting of freshly remembered heartbreak. 

You’re grateful for your god - the divine Sol who saw you hurting and granted you solace from your pain. Hair like the earth, you remember, like the soil from whence life springs. Rich brown and lush and soft beneath your fingers. His body built like it was made for toil, strong and deliberately fashioned. And his eyes – blue like the sky. Like the sea.

Unfortunately, your companion, Octavia, does not allow you to dwell in fantasy. She’s no longer beside you in bed, always early to rise and greet the day before the sun has had a chance to ascend. 

“You’re awake,” she says, more a command than a question.

“Yes. And I had the most wonderful dream,” you tell her, giving up all thoughts of returning to slumber as you stretch out along the bed, arms up and back arched. “I fucked a god. He set my body aflame and then I turned to ash in his hands.”

“And this was a good dream?” Octavia asks, incredulous.

You sigh. “It was magnificent.”

You sit up in bed as you recall your dream, rubbing your wrists, sore from where your lover pinned you down in his blistering grasp. Octavia reaches out and grabs your wrists in her own hand, looking it over, and when you look down at it as well, you see bruises instead of burns. The marks of someone other than your god upon you.

“Better to suffer a lover forged from dreams,” Octavia says, releasing your wrist, “than one based in cruel reality.”

“One and the same,” you reply softly. Because you’re no fool. You know the being who visits your dream is both god and man, one image of the other. “Why do you think Jacobus so cruel?” you continue, louder this time. “Do you think he’s always been that way?” 

“I think that you should remove him from your thoughts,” Octavia tells you as she returns, holding a cream length of fine fabric for your stola. “Would it please you to wear this today?”

“He is well removed,” you tell her in reply, and Octavia scoffs. 

You pinch the fabric between your fingers, considering. The color is too bland to convey how you feel this morning. You need something deeper, and more rich. “I have something blue, do I not? Like… like the sky right at the height of the sun’s ascent. Something like that?”

Octavia raises an eyebrow at you, unimpressed. “I’ll see what I can come up with.”

 After you groom and dress, you find yourself on the villa balcony, where Alexander and Ophelia are eating their morning meal. On the table before them is a modest spread of cheese and bread and fruit. In their hands are ever-present cups of wine. Behind the pair, a slave cools them off with a large fan made of feathers as they lounge upon their cushioned chaises. 

The heat is almost overwhelming, even in the mid-morning when the sun has yet to reach its peak. Already, a thin sheen of sweat has gathered on your skin. Already, you can feel the fevered weight of existence heavy on your shoulders. 

The heat and the drought has been a source of discontentment for all in Capua, the shortage of water drying out even the most well-attended bath and turning once-fertile soil into dust. Below the balcony, the gladiators are kicking up the dust and the sand with every movement, the sun baking the grains into a hard-packed floor for the men to move around upon. It crumbles underfoot and sends clouds of earth into the air, covering the men and all things else lowly enough to get in its way.

But this is all commonplace to you now. The crash of wooden sword against wooden shield, of dull-tipped spear and trident, of pain and triumph, have all come to be familiar sounds to you and this morning fares no differently. The men have no doubt been at it for hours already, waking early to begin their training, breaking for their morning meal, then back at it once more before you were even out of bed. 

You chance a look down at the men, and your eyes are immediately drawn toward Jacobus, brandishing two swords against another gladiator with sword and shield. His usual demeanor is darkened, his ferocity obvious by tenfold today, and you can’t help but believe that you are the cause. 

You wonder if the gladiator sought companionship last night after you were so viciously turned away. You never sent anyone in your stead, as he requested, not able to bear the thought of another giving him the pleasure that you so desperately wish you could give. Did Jacobus blame you for soiling the night of such a celebrated victory? Will he ever forgive you your desire and your deceit? 

The champion looks up toward the balcony, blue eyes ablaze, and you avert your gaze by busying yourself with choosing just the right bunch of grapes from a serving tray held up to you by one of Alexander’s slaves. 

“The men are of a poor form today,” you muse, attempting to steady your heart as you pluck a grape off of its stem. You place the fruit in your mouth and find the courage to look back down onto the training ground. With both relief and disappointment, you find that Jacobus has once again resumed his training. 

“Wine and whores do have a way of dulling the senses,” Alexander replies. “Which reminds me, how did the champion enjoy his gift?”

You give your godfather a false smile, already weary of the reminder of the night passed. “She was well received,” you answer, not missing the way Octavia looks at you out of the corner of your eye. “Who would not enjoy such a remarkable tribute?”

Before Alexander can respond, the snap of a whip resonates through the training ground and up onto the balcony, drawing the attention of those upon it. You take a step closer and both Alexander and Ophelia stand to get a better look at what is transpiring down below. 

“Attend!” Doctore bellows, voice carrying through the air. The men halt their training and turn their attention to Fury, the Doctore – trainer – of Alexander’s ludus. “Forget everything you learned outside these walls. For that is the world of men. We are more! We are gladiators!”

The men cheer, a great roar rising up to where you stand that nearly forces you back in its enthusiasm. Your hands grip the banister to keep you steady, listening intently  as if Doctore was speaking to you and not the gladiators in his charge. 

“Study. Train. Bleed!” Doctore continues. “And one day your name will be legend, spoken in hushed whispers of fear and awe. As the city speaks of Jacobus, the Champion of Capua!”

More cheers as the gladiator stands distinguished among his brothers. In your chest, you feel a swell of pride. But also, irritation. You’ll have no solace from your pain here and you will not waste your day grieving over what should have been. You feign disinterest while taking a bite of cheese.

“But his legend was not birthed in the arena,” Doctore says. “It was given life here, in this ludus. Under the sting of my whip! Attack!”

The men go at it again with a renewed vigor, grunting and howling, wooden swords clashing with dull but resonating thuds. How easily these men are worked into a fervor! And how easily your passion swells likewise. This business of gladiators is a sordid thing, but you would be false to say that there is no art in it. Surely, anyone who watches someone such as Jacobus move could see the skill and cleverness in every gesture.

“Doctore, attend,” Alexander calls to Doctore, then turns to kiss Ophelia’s temple. “We are off to market.”

His words pique your interest. You feel as though you will go mad if you stay stuck in the villa all day with nothing to entertain you save the sounds of the gladiators training. Besides, you think you should buy something new for the reception for the Vulcanalia. This will be the first time in ages that you will be able to socialize with people other than your godfather and his wife, and you plan to make the most of it.

"Godfather, allow me to accompany you,” you say. “Weeks in Capua and I have yet to go to market!"

Alexander considers you for a moment and then nods his head, giving you the approval that you need. Your smile must be infectious because the otherwise somber man’s lips upturn slightly as he notes your excitement. 

“Let us away, then,” Alexander says to you, then turns and heads inside the villa, you following close behind.