#why shouldn't they fuck up again
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wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment
Thank you and this is what I want to get across.
A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.
I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.
He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.
He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.
Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?
Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.
#i do believe Anya was a victum to Jimmy more than once before the crash but the game plays wit the sort of fear of waiting and stagnation#i believe the reason she decided to tell him was becasuse she finally broke down and tested to see if she was pregnant after one too many#signs and its why she went to hide the gun because she knew now that there was proof of what Jimmy did and was he would do anything to#cover it up and while she also didn't want the baby there was no sure fire way to safely induce a miscarriage or abortion cause shes smart#enough to know that hence her reading the illusion of choice and taking measures to protect herself#but in the hypothetical it was a one time occurence I think Jimmy would act like one single mistake shouldn't define him and Anya thinks#that if she did something sooner or said something sooner than she or Curly could've stopped all of it but that the hard thing taking actio#its so hard to be preventative to a person like they also have the autonomy to do things and no one on the ship is okay with actively takin#that away outside of Jimmy that its just a delicate issue and people act like it was a conscious choice not to help when he just helped#wrong he did wrong by not immediately punishing Jimmy but at the same time did he even fully get it yet? Jimmy immediately got into his hea#after like the sound design right before he confront him is telling like every track sort of gives you the feeling of the characters where#we cant see their thoughts because again the only two characters pov we get are Jimmy's and Curly's and even then we only get Curly's thru#the responsibilites he has to take like he is always tasked with something because thats his role but we rarely see him do something off hi#own volition cause hes a metaphorical cog in many of the machines the games comments on but he's not actively pulling a switch#also i think people latch on to the we can both be heros things too much when analyzing Curly because Curly very much is not happy being th#leader and current “hero” of the Tulpar he just wants out in a way that doesn't hurt and while he is still responsible for not doing more#the idea he could've easily nipped this in the butt acts like Jimmy was not a beast of his own and that he made Jimmy into the person he wa#vs the fact that Jimmy is a person on his own right that makes these choices others are forced to take responsibility for when he simply c#couldve not done evil shit like at the end of the day Curly is not perfect but not nearly or remotely as bad as Jimmy because for that hed#have to not care hed have to not have tried hed have to not try to take responsibility and he did just not in the right way but thats#subjective to the person and you can only realize you did fuck up after the results are before you and its tragic like this game is a#a tragedy no matter how you try and spin it. There's lessosn to be learnt but at the end of the day it telling the worst moments of peoples#lives and the certain inevitabilities that come with it#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse anya#anya mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing
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I am so unbelievably pissed off. FUCK HOAs
Oh, my trash/recycling bin can't be visible except on pickup day? Ok whatever fine I hate you but I can deal with this
Weekly inspections?????? FU FU FU FU FU
SECOND NOTICE ALSO WE'RE CHARGING YOU MONEY TO SEND YOU CERTIFIED MAIL OF THIS TOTALLY LEGIT TOTALLY SECOND NOTICE OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY A VIOLATION cue me: checks notes. Hmm. My recycling bin was. on the curb. on recycling pickup day. You know. The day it has to be out. The day it is motherfucking ALLOWED TO BE FUCKING OUT AND VISIBLE.
so. 1) not a violation
I have sent them the trash AND recycling pickup schedules, which are DIFFERENT, btw
I have disputed the fact of the violation
I have disputed the linking of this "violation" to a previous violation MONTHS AGO--their "first notice" in this case was a "Courtesy Notice" LITERALLY 5 MONTHS AGO and they've done so many inspections since then and my bin CLEARLY WASN'T OUT IN THOSE INTERVENING MONTHS so WTMFH
So I am posting like a crazy person here instead of sending the absolutely deranged email I almost sent (I did send a slightly less deranged version with the disputes, and requesting a hearing)
OMG. It has been. Less than one hour since I learned this fun fun news. My bin was out YESTERDAY, y'all. YESTERDAY. I am going to blow a gasket
#it's a relatively privileged problem to have (omg i have a home truly i am grateful) but it's still a goddamned problem and i'm allowed#to fucking complain about it#in case it needs to be said#*rolling my eyes*#i advocate for free/actually affordable housing for everyone who needs it because we ALL deserve a safe secure stable home#whatever type of home that may be#it is absolutely goddamned ridiculous that megacorps can buy all the housing#rent it out at extortionate rates and evict people willy nilly#and we're talking about a “housing crisis” and not a “STOP LETTING CORPORATIONS AND BILLIONAIRES HOARD ALL THE HOUSING” crisis#goddamn.#ha elect me president (ahaha don't do this i am not a good public speaker) and I'll push congress to pass some really neat legislation#hey be more direct: elect me to congress (ahaha don't do this) and i'll WRITE some goddamn nifty legislation and yell about it as long and#as loud as i can until people start to just fucking say yes to make me shut the fuck up#(i know that's not how it works. again. don't actually elect me to a government position)#exemplia gratis:#No individual person shall own more than 6 homes UNLESS they pay a Housing Market Shrinkage Fee for removing viable housing from the market#why 6 and not 2? 2 is a lot! it's excessive! but having A vacation home shouldn't be a crime. Having 5 vacation homes is ridiculous and#awful and whatever but it's not likely to be the source of all our greatest “housing shortage” problems. no. I'm aiming for the absolutely#monstrously greedy and egregious motherfuckers who---ok#hang on. how many homes does the average min and max homeowner own? I would like to see data on that. but anyway#the next part of the legislation:#Homes owned >6 shall be charged X% Housing Market Shrinkage Fee UNLESS they are rented for affordable (15% or less than renter net income)#housing and are actively occupied by said renters. Rented out and charging more than 15% of renter's net? still gotta pay up.#EMPTY housing >6 shall be subject to an additional Y% Housing Market Shrinkage Fee (tax? should I call it a tax?) which increases with ever#month that the housing goes unoccupied. no one living in it? sell it rent it or pay the fuck up. and still pay the fuck up if you rent it#for way too goddamn much money#but like. less. we only REALLY hate you if you sit on empty houses that you don't even let anyone use#ok that's individuals. now onto BUSINESSES#ok so immediately it gets a little complicated cuz like presumably there's rental management businesses that don't own the rental propertie#that they manage BUT there are also companies that just outright own a shitfuckton of housing and THIS is the truly egregious monstrous sid
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i wsa abouta make prollymy Real Bad Post but mayeb theyreere are Bad IDea legally speakin so um
[redacrted]
#anyways if you wanna kys i Fuxkicng GWT IT BRO i don't wanna do this again goddddddddddddddd#but you should at least waaaaaaait until jnau. hm. nanj. hm. januaaarei. jesus fuck#wait until january and get to dC#if you gotta leave a corpse you shold leave it on ethe whit hosue lawn#don't .ake the people who love you have to se yoi like that its jus too terripbele#aint worth it if your aenemias aint the ones cleaning up the messss#drunkspostign#jesuds fucking hells#drunkposting#dont; take my advice i'm drunk as HELS#(metric) cup of vodksa in and whospsie i got BAD BRAON#don't kys in generala but DEFINITELY NEVER EVCER kys anyhweteere othre tha n the whit hose lawn#no one should ever kys anywhere other than the most politaxally poteny locations. like the wite houae lawn#in fact NO ONE wshould die anyehrwer OTHER thatn white hoase lawn#who neads morgeus just dump em at WHITW HOISUA. on LAWN#*TISH IS [BAD IDEA S] I AM [DRUNSK AS HAAELSLLLL]#NEVER FOLLOW DRUNKS ASS PIECE S OF SHIT ADVIZE#DO NTO FOLLWA ADVICE ASIDE FROM AMYBE THROWING CORPSE S AT WHWIATE HAOSUE [ON LAWNS]#i do thinka it wouls be funnie#corpseds belong: in onw LOCation. : WGITE HOSISDE LAWN.#slice of mu mhmhhmm#slice osf FUCKS#slice odf DAMMIRWT#slice of my pisA fuck#slice of my pizaaa liakw jaysos#slice of my pizza lifw. DAMNIR SO CLOASE#GOOD GOD VODKA YOU DO TIS TO ME#slice of my paisa#slice of my pizza life#see this is why yous shouldn't follow BAD ADVISE it ottook me that maky tries to write one damn tag
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I'm so happy that at least in motogp i can breathe without seeing russians because they are always lased in f1 history, they still try to push that fucking shwartzman there too and into indy, they are in wec. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE
And I can't even express my fury because I'm not gonna be called racist/nazi/xenophobic but when people do same thing to Israeli it's ok. I can't be angry at nation that killed my granddad my uncle and probably many more in my family tree. I can't be anything other than thankful for support even if it's never fucking enough because my timeline looks like necrolog.
All i see when I'm online is either other Ukrainians trying to crowdfund ammunition for our soldiers without much success because everyone and our economy is exhausted or news about how new forces join russians to kill us. It's their only goal.
And you can't just fucking cherry pick those russians you like to say that they aren't guilty. They need to embrace consequences of what their politicians are doing. You can't be innocent and russian at the same time, one of very few truly good russians died recently fighting on the side of Ukraine. Our outlook on life becoming so individualistic we don't realise that power is hold by masses, that if they wanted for war to stop those "simple russians" could just stop going to war. Their system is extremely corrupt, it's easy to escape being drafted. Only times they protest is when they get denied another app. There millions of them and somehow just dozens of those caught by police for protest. They just don't fucking care and you continue to defend them online
#I can't be angry at systematic genoside of Ukrainians that have been going for mych longer than I've been alive#I can't say wrong word or i get fucking torn apart by people with no empathy and too much internet presence#i need to patiently explain every single person in their dm's why russians are bad and why you shouldn't support them. i need to say it over#and over and over in hopes that someone gonna hear me and not just block#i need to be understanding of people not giving shit about what's going on here#and my god. sometimes i wish to just be striken by a missile so it all can stop#but it won't. it's just that other would need to fight then. and it's other that fight already because so many of people i looked up to#are already killed and long since buried. and it hurts every day. it never stops and alk i can do is go online and try to hide#only to be found by fucking russians in those “safe spaces” again#it never fucking ends#disclaimer that “you” in this post doesn't target anyone specific. there a lot of people online like that#MotoGP#f1#formula one#indycar#idk maybe someone gonna see this and understand something. but probably not#but I'm still hurting and i need to let it out at least once because I'm not sure if i ever let myself voice this
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WAIT Elle has box braids in s3??? I could cry
I don't think she had bad hair in s1 or s2, but I'm excited that they're actually giving the Black girls Black hairstyles instead of having them wear it out.
Before, it felt like the (all-white, for context) hair department was just ignorant about Black hair, so they put wigs on the Black actresses and only did styles that also work on nonblack hair for their own sake/convenience. This theory was especially supported by the fact that Tara, whose 4c hair couldn't really be styled the same as nonblack hair, wore a twistout that would take literal hours to do every day, but she had box braids in s2! and Elle has box braids now!! I'm so excited!!!
I also feel like this fits her bold, fashion-loving personality so much better than leaving her hair out. Our hair is basically its own accessory, and the long box braids are very feminine. Again, I'm not saying not having a protective style isn't feminine or fashionable (I myself am a fashion girlie with an Afro), but having one is another outlet for her creativity, and I'm glad they're recognizing that now.
#shimmer's thoughts#heartstopper#elle argent#i have heard that apparently black people aren't allowed to have braids in uk schools? which is legitimately fucking wild#although it kinda looks like this had a big turning point in 2022 according to a quick google? but i'm not 100% sure#it depends on how much influence the ehrc has over the government. which doesn't seem to be much#we do have hair dress codes with huge anti-black bias here but no braids usually isn't in there explicitly#or something that's enforced afaik#all that to say it might just be that this happens to be a summer season and that's why their hair is like that#although even then I don't think Tara would be doing a twistout every day#i think slicking takes way less time so she'd probably be doing that if they didn't like afros either#she might though. i don't know exactly why she would do that but she might decide to do that#also to clarify again i'm not saying not having a protective style as a black girl is bad or negative or anything#i'm saying in the context of the hair and makeup team being completely white#and alice oseman being a white person who originally only gave the comic characters wavy/barely curly hair#them not giving them protective(/realistic for Tara) styles was sus. and this is a welcome change#i mean. we haven't seen Tara's hair for this season yet. and they really love that twistout#so maybe i shouldn't get my hopes up yet. but i'll give them their flowers for this at least
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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gaara coming to stare at lee, have a mental breakdown about lee making him feel emotions for the first time since childhood, and then trying to kill him over........... the ship of fucking dreams
#shut up az#the fact that ppl choose not to ship gaalee is bonkers#who the fuck did they end up with in canon again? hold on#wow lee's wife is nobody and gaara ended up with nobody#kishimoto didn't let gay ppl have ANYTHING#theyre married#if shinki can be adopted then so can metal#fuck it i mean might guy found a little shit w bushy eyebrows and said my kid now why shouldn't lee do the same
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me, the entire movie: he would not fucking say that
#mark felt: the man who took down the white house#thought about this movie again and i got upset at how much it doesn't stick to ITS OWN CHARACTERIZATION OF FELT#like sure. fine. i'll accept your premise that he became deep throat to preserve the integrity of the fbi (he didn't)#and sure. i'll accept it when you say he has a hard time telling the truth and not keeping secrets (according to bob at least he gossiped)#but then why in the last 5 minutes do you have him accept ruckelshaus as the new fbi director without fuss!#ruckelshaus was also an outsider who could fuck up the bureau!#and why did you have that ending scene where he was on trial for cointelpro and a juror asked him if he was deep throat (actually happened)#but you just had him stare blankly and say nothing for like 30 seconds and then the movie ended?#(irl he had 0 poker face at that and according to witnesses he turned beet red and went “no!!”#and even the judge was like “perjury is illegal but i can strike that question from the record since it's irrelevant”)#but according to the movie telling the truth for him is hard (so why is he struggling making a decision shouldn't lying be easy??)#anyways. blorbo from my rights being violated <3#watergate#incoming hail from the dderidex
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i'm going home tomorrow & i'm so excited to see my family, i really missed them
#also my mom told me some time ago that i'm really brave & i shouldn't give up#but i don't feel brave i feel tired#so basically i had three different jobs this year#first one i quit because i hated it & it was too chaotic#i got fired from the second one after over a month because apparently i was too nice#now the third one i know is just temporary because it's similar to the one i quit last year#and it's only because i need money so i can't stay jobless#my situation is kinda fucked up because i live here alone so i have to pay rent#and i really don't want to go back to my parents#i know i can but i wanna stay here#i've been working so hard to move to my favourite city and i want to start studies here this year i just can't give up#so i just took the job i didn't want#and i keep looking for something i might actually like#but god i'm tired#i feel like the biggest fucking failure#i just need a normal fucking job jesus why is it so hard#i don't want to work with customers anymore i hate people#and i also want to earn a little more money because trust me it's not that easy to live fucking alone#i mostly spend my money on food cause unfortunately i have to eat#but i'm not interested in just surviving i really want to start feeling alive again#ugh#talking shit for the hell of it*
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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work colleague (the one who I'm working on a project with, who was supposed to be showing me the ropes - which she already barely did - who is supposed to be a superior while our boss is on parental leave) told me that I need to join the team leader meeting next week "so things dont escalate again" bc apparently her temper got the best of her (she told me this herself btw, which.. jfc)
and I feel SO uncomfortable at even the idea of that thats I've been feeling sick to my stomach over it since Friday. I'm still an intern ffs, I don't get paid to do her job, which is to explain what we're doing and to explain why we're doing it. I didn't decide on making this a whole thing, and I certainly didn't sign up to take her place while she throws me to the wolves (clinic admins who are pissed that change is being introduced to how they've been running things for years)
I know I need to address it, and at least tell my boss, I feel like shit reaching out to him while he's supposed to be on leave, but if I don't push back and give in now when there's also so many other ways she's been dodging her responsibilities then idk.
she barely communicates which is the basis for working with anybody, and even when *I* reach out she barely ever replies and leaves me hanging, unable to progress in certain tasks just bc I *literally* don't know shit yet bc I've been working there for a total of two and a half months max. just.. boss guy would be happy for me to stay on but honestly that lady has as bad a temper and worse social skills than the lady who made my last job hell enough that I was out of commission for almost three years, first on sick leave and then in various rehab/therapy programs just to make it back to being able to work again.. I really don't want to go down this road again
so I guess I do need to write this all down tomorrow in a message to him and hopefully he'll at least acknowledge that this is a shit situation to put me in and have a talk with her. but idk tbh. not sure what to do if he asks me to still join that group meeting on Friday, also terrified of her reaction if he does bring it up with her, ngl
last time she got "upset" she didn't talk to me for a whole day, didn't reply to my message before I left for 5 weeks and then still didn't leave a single message to explain where to continue in our project before being gone herself for another 2 and a half weeks.. that kind of childish pettiness idk. really don't want to have to keep dealing with her
lazy colleagues idk sure it's frustrating cleaning up after them, but this kind of behaviour is as close to intolerable as things get before I need to get myself the fuck away for good
#anyway. sorry for the long post#I also already wrote a note for myself with what to bring up when I write that message tomorrow#but I keep half-talking myself out of it bc it's hard to rationally quantify the terror I feel at dealing with behaviour like that#like.. I know part of it is past trauma response. but there are very rational reasons why this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated#and still I feel like he might decide that I'm more trouble than I'm worth or that it's not worth dealing with her moods#he knows the whole group has issues with her. I'm sure they've brought it up plenty of times to him so this isn't news#which makes me think that he either gave up or doesn't know how to handle it either#either way.. if my attempt of asking for help leads nowhere then idk what I'll do. prob not stay post internship for one thing#which sucks bc I love the work we do and the rest of the team#fuck#a day in the life of..#sorry. just needed to write down my thoughts again bc I ready know this'll keep me up and give me stress dreams tonight#I've done what I can to distract myself but my mind keeps wandering and my chest hurts
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lupita making fan videos of her cat to glass animals 🥹🥹🥹 the strides this woman is making in sexy cat lady representation. gone are the days when getting a cat after a breakup over the age of 40 was seen as tragic and life ending
#jrnlsht#i have been hyper aware of my age this weekend#just a lot of little reminders that guys my own age or even five years older see me as totally lacking in desirability#like im totally invisible at this point except to old men#not that I was desirable in my youth either but i was aware that i was young and that made me valuable as a romantic partner in some way#it feels as if now im forced into an asexual role where looking *hot* is basically impossible ever again#which is fine bc my career is in such jeopardy that i shouldn't be paying any attention at all to my sx life but#that part of me that is so desperate to be wanted also feels worse than ever#which just seems backward#why the fuck couldn't that feeling go away along with my youth instead of getting stronger -_-#i was complaining about this to ethan and telling him about some of the things i had happen here in LA#and his advice was basically just give up 🙃 accept the old lady lifestyle#and then he teased me mercilessly about my crush on geno and how creepy im being with my hat and my sculpture 😭#and i was like fantasy is all i fucking got dont take that away from me#i cant even have the companionship of a cat. pls my life is so sad
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hate when i see a youtube video that's like 'analyzing why [thing] is bad!' and you watch the video and they just say nothing for twenty minutes
#random thoughts#watched a video on why a specific character was poor representation for survivors of assault#and it was such a nothing burger of a video#'this character is bad because children might see them and think their behavior is okay' okay?#i learned how to block out memories from finn adventure time but that doesn't mean memory suppression shouldn't be addressed in media#plus hazbin hotel. i'm talking about angel dust btw if that wasn't blaringly obvious. is an adult cartoon. for adults#adult cartoons shouldn't have to restrict their subject matter because kids could see it#and angel dust being a male queer SA victim using hypersexuality as a coping mechanism could be good!#and the fact he hits on other people despite it making them uncomfortable isn't exactly a problem a la his character?#it could be a control thing. i used to do something similar (pushing other people's boundaries and complaining when they pushed back)#because it made me feel some kind of control over my life#it could start off as a really shitty joke and then grow into 'oh god is that why he does that??'#but anyway their second main point was that the songs were bad? and that poison being an upbeat song makes it bad#like despite listing many other songs which are upbeat with heavy lyrics. but somehow poison is the exception because it's a cartoon?#like again that could be a character thing. angel dust using obfuscation as a coping mechanism to distract himself from his shitty life.#。・゚゚・the lyrics are upbeat to distract you from how dead i feel inside・゚゚・。#and their reading of the second song seemed really mean-spirited?#like as 'everyone has problems so you're not special because you're a whiny baby' rather than 'you're not as alone as you think you are'#and like if op wanted to just complain about a show they watched then yeah go off i do that all the time#but don't parade it as character analysis???#and they say 'oh reading it as a feelgood you're not alone message doesn't work because these characters' struggles are not equal'#but like. sometimes rape needs to feel like it's not some special trauma. it's not unique and you're not uniquely fucked up for it#two characters' traumas don't need to be directly comparable for them to bond!!!#and im not like. defending hazbin hotel btw. never seen it not going to see it no thanks#i'm just complaining about a mediocre youtube video that i'm going to forget about in a week#god i hate that brand of youtube video. where they just complain about things without going into depth about why they're bad#especially if their complaints are shallow and don't have to do with like. the actual structure of a character or story#like it's so easy to say 'this character is bad because theyre a predatory stereotype' but like. go into some depth at least#i think i hate these videos so much because they're fueled purely by hate. no love for the source material or even a desire to learn#or a love for storytelling even
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I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him
#and I can't just get high when I don't wanna deal with problems bc that's not ok#it's so weird to go from being rlly good friends to casual hookups to nothing at all#I don't even know how to move on bc we were never together and I don't even have romantic feelings for him anymore#I just really miss him#not just the physical stuff but I miss being friends and laughing together#and I know I have a right to be mad at him to some extent but I also feel like if I was less emotional then everything would be fine#he's probably just one of those guys that loses interest after sex but why am I still bothered even tho it's been months#I really cared about him and it hurts to be so distant#I feel like i've fucked everything up bc I got mad at him when really I was mad at myself and my insecurities and also him for ghosting me#but I shouldn't have gotten mad bc we were on good terms and now everything is weird again#and I need to get better and regulating my emotions so I don't do impulsive shit#everything is just rlly weighing on me#it's so strange that we didn't talk for over a month then I got high and texted him and now everything is so much more messy#I want to be completely over him but a part of me still holds on and imagines what could have been#if he had been in love with me or if I hadn't been so overbearing
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i can't stop thinking about curly mouthwashing
#i get him. i GET HIM SO BAD#i used to be so patient. i used to give chances over and over again to people who didn't deserve them. i still do#i don't know if it's something i'll ever grow out of. i don't want to lose my kindness#i've become more firm with people and i'm quicker to put up boundaries but i still don't seem to learn#i forgive everything. i shouldn't but i do. even if i say that i won't#because i really do believe everyone deserves a chance to grow even if time and time again they pass the opportunity#the best thing that ever happened to me was realizing that sometimes for people to grow. i can't be in their lives#so i see curly and i see the way he handles his crew and jimmy ohmy god#ive never known someone that's a jimmy full disclosure but i get why curly treats him with too much patience is all im saying#he shouldn't have. but he did. and he regrets it but he still empathizes with him!#just#fuck#standing at the edge of a bridge with your feet in cement.#i know that feeling
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can't believe i have to wait til jan at the earliest to find out if i have the scary disease that causes silent heart attacks that i tick almost every symptom of..... if i die between now and then im going to haunt my doctors so hard
#and then there's the psychiatrist who i don't get to see until???? sometime in march im still waiting to be given a date!!!#AND THE HIP AND LUMBAR MRI I NEED IS A THREE MONTH WAIT AT ALEAST TOO SO BASICALLY I JUST HAVE TO PUT UP UNTIL NEXT YEAR#if anyone's wondering why i lost my shit and ended up in hospital suicidal and psychotic this is fucking why#i'm so FUCKING TIRED MAN.#apologies for being so negative i'm just hella overwhelmed lately tbh and i feel fucking helpless when it comes to doctors and specialists#like they just truly don't give a fuck if i die#it's been proven again and again#they don't give a fuck#sidhsksb#sorry. just. ugh.#i shouldn't have to wait this fucking long#i'm so anxious about this potentially really fucked nerve damage thing#because like the likelihood that i have it is really high i have all the risk factors and most of the symptoms#and yet no one wants to do anything to help me while i wait to see the specialist and my doctor straight up wouldn't refer me to a neuro#until a DIFFERENT specialist was like yeah you should see a neurologist#LIKE I KNOW I SHOULD IVE BEEN FUCKING ASKING FOR LITERAL YEARS AND NOW I HAVE TO WAIT AGAIN IM GOING INSANE
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