#why is difference something that must be forgiven rather than accepted?

[glimblshanks]

It's so difficult, because I genuinely do want to understand what the whole deal with Christianity is, but Christians are so apposed to any line of questioning about their belief system (in a way that no other religion is) that if you say anything they don't like they shut down and accuse you of being a sinner.

And it's like bro, I'm not trying to be insulting, I'm trying to understand why this religion is even appealing to you. How do you manage to get so many converts when you're not even willing to answer basic questions about your theology?

Everyone I've found who's actually willing to discuss Christian theology with me is an ex-Christian which is super unhelpful, because ex-Christians are people who have deconstructed Christian belief and come to the conclusion that it doesn't work for them. They're always very cynical about the whole situation. That's not what I'm looking for.

I want to talk to someone who's still into it. I want to understand what actually draws people to this religion ( I do not want to be trauma dumped at - I don't know what aspect of Christian belief confuses y'all into thinking that trauma dumping is an appropriate substitute for theological discussion, but it absolutely isn't).

Like you would really think for one of the most popular religions in the world finding answers to this stuff would be easier. Why can't you guys just talk about your beliefs?

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: The Punishment of Kaname Tojo - 1

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring, two years ago

Characters: Ibara

Proofreading: Remi + 310mc (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Translation: Peace

Ibara: Every human being wants to live the correct way in order to survive. That's why if we can manipulate what they view as "right", we can then manipulate them.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Ibara: Aha-ha-haa! ☆

I knew it'd be best to ask to speak with "you", Tojo-san.

Despite being right in the thick of Reimei Academy, you haven't once gotten mixed up in the going ons — you've had a bird-eye's view of everything instead. Rather than penning the tale, or playing a part within, you've acted as the reader.

That's precisely why I thought that by asking you what I'd like to know, I'd be able to understand the situation completely.

Nevertheless, I can't say I don't understand why you take that role over any other! It seems quite enjoyable to be part of the audience!

Hm? Isn't this all my own doing? Oh, perish the thought! Though I did give them a nudge here and there for my own benefit...♪

If anything, never did I think that such a plan would go without a hitch... Humans certainly are easy to lead, aren't they?

I suppose it must be because the students of Reimei Academy are already quite used to “living systematically”.

No, it's more that one couldn't survive in this academy if they didn’t.

Ibara: Obey those above you. Follow the rules. Don't oppose either for any reason.

If you break those laws, then you'll be given a hellish punishment in return.

The longer these students attend Reimei Academy, the more these regulations become the "accepted practice” to them. After enough time, it becomes an instinct bound to their very selves.

It's a valuable trait that politicians— that managers can take advantage of when training them.

I'm aware that such training, or rather brainwashing, occurs in other schools just the same...

... But Reimei Academy takes it to an extreme and specializes in it.

This academy is no different than how the military used to work.

Soldiers were told to obey any order given without fail, and the first step towards this outcome started the very moment they enlisted: their self-esteem would be torn to shreds immediately, ground into a fine dust.

And after getting in, the higher ups ensure that each person will thoroughly obey the hierarchy they're to settle into through various methods. This way, they're guaranteed to have obedient pawns— soldiers to make use of.

They don't think for themselves, because thinking is seen as something wrong.

If they decide something on their own, they're rebuked by a superior officer. It doesn't matter how many blows one takes by fist or tongue, the soldier in question won't be forgiven even if they cry.

As a result, it becomes an environment where it's "right" for the superior's judgment to take priority over their own.

Every human being wants to live the correct way in order to survive. That's why if we can manipulate what they view as "right", we can then manipulate them.

That's what I tried to do. By using Reimei Academy, which was once a missionary school by design and, as such, is closed-off with strict rules to follow...

With a little adjustment, I tried to make it a suitable foundation for us to build up a factory that would mass produce such easily led people.

However, strange things began to occur due in part to the appearance of an irregularity in the system: Tatsumi Kazehaya.

Because of his steadfast faith, he was impervious to brainwashing. That peculiar creed of his had been etched deeply inside of him already...

And so it was impossible for us to overwrite it.

Thus, it would be best to remove such a snag in our operations. If a factory comes to a grinding halt, then it's the manager's duty to ensure the elimination of the problem ASAP.

And if you're clever enough to turn a bit of trouble into a ton of profit, then you're considered a fine businessman indeed!

Though the idol industry is in the midst of a great recession at the moment, Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya is a splendid idol. Why, if the times were better, it wouldn't be unthinkable for him to be called a Super Idol!

He's certainly capable enough, and has made plenty of accomplishments to back that claim up.

It's quite profitable for us that he's recognized by both the public as well as potential business partners too.

However, leaving him to live as he does poses a serious danger. Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya disregards the rules. He completely transcends the carefully cultivated hierarchy, which is the foundation of all our plans.

The main issue is that faith of his. If a soldier would rather obey the words of a god, versus the words of his superior officer, then he's a danger and useless on the battlefield.

And so I decided to create a god that would benefit me.

A god who, unlike Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya, would do what I wanted him to do.

We've already laid out the contract details. And "he" seems to be working as thoroughly as I'd hoped.

Yes, while Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya is busy working himself to the bone, while he's continuously rehospitalized due to his failing health...

There is someone who has begun to plunder leftover work, monopolizing it and building up his name as a result.

Yes, yes. I believe you also know his real name, but he seems to go by HiMERU now.

He, Mr. HiMERU that is, takes on the requests meant for Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya as he pleases, and then distributes them to the work-hungry Special Students around him.

By bestowing such opportunities upon them, he then gains their confidence and becomes their representative.

And with it, the taboo that once stained Mr. HiMERU for a time sheds off, and he regains his status as a Special Student in return.

Correct. Just as you'd expect, we're pulling strings behind it all.

When an idol affiliated with Reimei Academy receives a request, it's first sent to a manager such as myself, and from there we distribute the work out in careful doses.

I used to give every job to Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya.

It was the ideal move to make, since his status as such a capable idol would certainly raise the very value of Reimei Academy's affiliates to their uppermost limits.

What’s more, he is someone who doesn’t crave money, nor complains a single bit no matter how much profit he loses out on. All in all, a rather convenient "employee".

However, he grew too large. So much that he began to shake the very foundations of Reimei Academy.

And so, we adjusted the amount of work being sent his way accordingly and let his health decline. We’ve removed him from the board, if only for a time...

But in that span of time, we made our far more convenient Mr. HiMERU come to the forefront.

As long as it’s him, unlike that strange, idealistic thought of Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya's being hoisted for all to see, everyone will surely begin to abide by the Special Student system once more.

For us, Mr. HiMERU is quite a handy attraction. No, a god.

A god who guides all, who influences all he sees... Through him, I'll be the one calling all the shots.

I'll stand above all just by taming and enslaving that god of ours.

✦✦✦✦✦

[ ☆ ]

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

[nonryenary]

Hey, something to be aware of if you or someone you know does this: “bring up past grievances with people over and over until they’ve apologized ‘enough’”

This might be coming from a cultural difference, and understanding WHY you do this may help you recognize and STOP doing it.

I did this for the longest time and had no idea why until I read this article on Australian and Taiwanese cultural differences in apologizing. TL;DR, in many Eastern Asian cultures, communal wellbeing is valued more highly than individual wellbeing. This has its pros and cons. One result is that an important part of proper apologies, is you must apologize until the person wronged has forgiven you. This is to show that you care about assuaging their feelings more than your own ego or pride.

My dad raised me like this and it wasn’t until very recently that I learned this. Given that I do live in a Western country, this is a rather toxic behavior to practice. It might be more acceptable in other cultures, but my Chinese-born mother still complains about her mother holding grievances over her head.

I could write a whole essay on apologies and forgiveness alone, i.e. how apologizing doesn’t entitle you to forgiveness and what to do when amends can’t be made given the severity of the grievance, but I’m tired. Snzzz. Be nice to people and be willing to compromise. If you can’t make amends, apologizing a few more times doesn’t hurt if you’re both on the same page regarding inadequate addressing of grievances and lack of obligation to forgive.

some of you are miserable because you’re mean. like you’re just mean to people and things

[cinnamonest]

Rewriting my Diluc housewife thoughts but I saved it in my notes this time, but I made it infinitely more sexist than it already was before bc 1) I was in the kink mood and 2) the spirits of writing gods possessed my body and told me that is the way all Diluc content should be, so, this is major 1950s-ish housewifey horrendously misogynistic shit, you've been warned. Like, even *I* looked back over this and was like "wow this is vile" which is kinda saying something for me so, putting the nastier parts under cut for the sake of my followers' eyes ----------- I was thinking about the post a while back about Diluc reforming a criminal darling - a thief around Mondstadt that's been on a crime spree and of course he catches wind of that and goes to defeat the perpetrator (surprisingly very easy? How is a thief this weak?) and haul the bastard off to jail except... What's this? Said criminal is actually just some girl and not a gross ugly bastard?? This changes things. Clearly, this was not an intentional act of malice or greed, but rather, he, master of criminal psychology™, rationalizes that the world is far too cruel for unwifed girls that have no one to depend on, a cold terrible place, so you must have been driven to these actions out of desperation. You had no provider, no caretaker, which are needs. How could you possibly be expected to provide a means of living for yourself?? This is just the consequences of the unfairness of the world. However, things all work out in the end. You need to be taken care of and restrained from these self-destructive choices by force (since you cannot recognize how bad it is, not that you're expected to, it's natural that you have poor perception, that's why you need a man to make choices for you), and he needs a wife. This solution benefits all parties.

He is, however, a rather dense man, and doesn't really think to like, tell you that. Or tell you anything. He's too lost in thought in his planning -- gonna get you new clothes to replace your ragged ones, gonna have to rearrange the guard schedule so they can watch the house better, all that -- and just kinda slings you up and over his shoulder without a word. Ignores you kicking and hitting because it doesn't really hurt or anything, you're too weak for that. Just says he’ll explain in detail later, but don’t worry, you’re not going to jail. He’s just taking you home. This is better, he says. Stop struggling so much, what, you want to go to jail? No? Then be still. And you don't recognize that it's good for you yet, but again, that's expected. In a better time or society, you would have been married off sooner, and prevented from ever falling victim to your own decision making to begin with, but the world isn't perfect and you can be forgiven for it. You're not responsible for your own actions since you can't comprehend them. It's frustrating and he sighs a bit over it, but that's just the way things are. You'll be happy in the long run, even if it takes a while, you're naturally programmed for a better lifestyle he has in mind. And, really, he's glad you weren't married off, because if you were then he never would have had you, so even though it was technically unideal, the stars align and the universe works out things perfectly. It's all the more of a sign that this was fate and you were made for him. The issue is that a hardened criminal darling is... Not the ideal candidate for a housewife. To some extent, he's right that the criminal underworld hardens a person, you can't survive in that realm if you're submissive or weak willed. And criminal darling certainly is not. Loud mouthed, opinionated, argumentative, bad attitude, defiant and aggressive and very much unafraid. A complete loose cannon. All very unfavorable traits. Worst of all, very much unaccepting of and ungrateful for the privilege of a second chance and being graciously granted the opportunity for a better life. Lots of bad behaviors.

The cursing is a problem. It's not very... Wife-like. Gives off a bad image, you know. Especially since said cursing is usually directed at him at a very loud volume with a snarl and getting all up in his face to tell him he's fucking insane and a bastard. To be honest, the worst part isn't the words themselves, it's the fact that you are so unafraid to be defiant and so fiery that is the primary issue. You disobey very deliberately. Little acts of pettiness. Being mean to the maids who are so graciously trying to teach you how to cook (at his direction), since you had no idea how to (and nearly burned his house down as a result). The first time you were mean and bitter and that's how you learned they report back to him about how you behaved. It did not go over well.  

Intentionally burning food. Once you somehow found a bottle in a cabinet somewhere in the mansion and put rat poison in his food, made him sick. Muttering a sarcastic whoops and shoving a vase off to crash and shatter on the floor. Early on you refused to wear all the nice dresses you were generously given and even tried to go through his clothes to find something to wear, which was kinda cute since it was way too big, but still. You mutter and grumble under your breath every time you're given a command. The most important thing is sex, though. You know, your job. One of your only real responsibilities. He has a very stressful job. It's only reasonable that he can expect to come home to his sweet, loving little wife with open arms and equally open legs. You've probably fucked around a bit right? For money, for favors, for intel, you get the idea, lots of ties to criminal gangs to earn their trust. So, if you do it for something so insignificant, how much more does he deserve it for taking care of you fully? You should -- and you will, with time -- drop to your knees the second he walks through the door. But instead, sigh, you fight and whimper and cover your face in shame after you spasm and cum, and worst of all, you actively try not to cum. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, it's good, he says. Sure, you may not be officially married (since the laws of Mondstadt unfortunately require that whole "consent" thing for both parties, ugh), but, he's basically your husband right? So, it's perfectly normal, you're supposed to cum for him. Maybe once you're all knocked up you'll be even hornier, and less shameful. He actually wasn't expecting you to be this bad. Incredibly stubborn and prideful. Literally the exact opposite traits of a good wife, you know, submissive and humble and obedient. He kinda thought that it was like... automatic. That once he just kinda shoved you in the right environment, it would be like flipping a switch right? Apparently not. But no matter. It can be changed, with effort and time. You're worth it. See, you're not supposed to backtalk him, you're supposed to smile and do what you're told without question. You're supposed to submit and obey, and instead you seem hellbent on pissing him off out of spite - and frankly, you're doing a good job of achieving that. Every time you defy him it sparks an irritation he can't describe, worse than he'd normally get from just being snarled at by anyone - no, something about being disrespected by someone he feels is beneath him makes him much, much angrier than it would be if it were, say, one of the business partners who get snappy and argumentative very frequently. He could break you and it would be easy, don't you know that? You stomp and you hit him and you yell, but clearly you process that you have to look up to look him in the eye, you have to realize how much smaller you are. You hit him even though you have to know by now he'll just grab your wrists, and like always you'll be unable to even hope of pulling out of his grip, the strength difference between you two is so great. There's no way you don't realize all that, yet you continue to behave the way you do. The inferiority is so blatantly obvious, but you act as if it's not. He spends a lot of time contemplating the source of this, the cause of your behavior, it occupies his thoughts. It's like... You resent him for something. Could it possibly be kidnapping you and keeping you as a glorified sex slave? No, no, that's not it. It's something else, yes. Are you just bitter about being inferior in, you know, every conceivable way? Is that it? The criminality for you was compensation to make you feel powerful, perhaps. You have a complex. You resent him not for anything he's done, but because you know he's stronger and smarter and generally superior to you. You don't want to accept it. You're prideful when you shouldn't be. You're supposed to be humble and content with your inferiority. Yeah, that's it. You just have a negative perception of the lifestyle you're supposed to have. Maybe some event in your life or someone else warped your view of things. You don't realize how happy you'd be if you just accepted it. Yes, if you submitted to it, if you swallowed your pride and actually accepted your place, you'd find you would be very happy, you just don't know that. Or maybe, your brain can't grasp something like that. After all, that's the reason you're supposed to be the submissive party of the two of you, you're not as bright or perceptive (says the densest man alive). You have to be... Led. Guided. So he says it. He is, again, a dense man. He does not really think about the fact that perhaps blatantly confronting you with the epiphany he thinks he's had and specifically using the words inferior and weak and small is probably not going to make you very happy. You get bitchy and bratty and try to hit him and he sighs because, see, this is exactly what he's talking about. You reacting the way you did only confirms you do have a complex, he says. So, how could he go about... reconditioning? He is not the most creative man, but thankfully it's a rather easy problem to solve. If you're reminded of a reality often enough, you have to accept it. For starters, using physical strength against you. Maybe that will metaphorically open your eyes. Holds you down in place when you're hitting him like you do, firmly bending you over a counter or whatever and just holding you in place. Come on, try to get up, try to push him off. You snarl and claw at the marble and push will all your strength, but he doesn't budge, not until you politely apologize and ask him to let you up. If you're being difficult and not going where he tells you to, well, he can just sling you up over his shoulder and carry you. If you're fighting being fucked he can just flip you over and press your face into the mattress and hold you still, and you can't help but take the brutal reality that you're basically a ragdoll to him, that is, physically overpowering you doesn't even require trying. It helps to knock you down a peg, remind you of your place and maybe get you to swallow that pride a bit. The orgasms and fucking have a similar effect -- every time you can't help but feel like he has a power over you. And really, he kinda does. Every time you lay there still panting and shivering in aftershock, the shame comes swarming in, all the obscene noises you made and the way you came undone under the person that treats you like property. Even if the rational part of you knows better, you can't help but feel like in a way it's like you let him win, allowed yourself to more or less prove him right. Maybe you'll learn better if you're in more humiliating positions. Stuck getting rammed from behind, hand forcing your face down and ass up. Actually correcting bad behaviors requires more direct approaches, so he takes the... Old fashioned route. After all, it's pretty much guaranteed to work. You don't listen to words, you don't listen to reason, but you'll certainly listen to handprints and belt welts on your ass. It's the first time you really, truly break, and that brings him a lot of satisfaction. The first time you really cry and whimper and beg and apologize so profusely it feels like you mean it for once. Granted, for a while you just persist in your bad behaviors and even try to run when you see him sigh and take the belt off, but you never get far. And, most notably, you actually fix your behaviors, with enough reminders. At one point, the next time you start being bad and get to bitching and snarling and putting up a fight, you catch the look on his face and, for once, you shut your mouth and look down and mumble an apology by default. See, you're learning. Speaking of, you still have that major issue with backtalking him. You're supposed to submit to him and acknowledge his authority over you. So he gets firm. Grabs you by the jaw and forces you to look him in the eye and reminds you that you will *not* get an attitude with him. You *will* show some respect. You say yes sir and no sir and do what you're told. And if you forget, he can give you a reminder, if you want that. But you shake your head with fear in your eyes, say you don't want that. It makes you mad. You want to lash back, but you swallow your pride and mutter a fine - before realizing the mistake, violating the rule you were just reminded of. You stammer out a yes sir but it's already too late. He has to control himself too, not let his anger get the better of him. He speaks in a way that isn't snarling and mean, but rather firm, cold, a flat tone that asserts dominance and demands respect. But... still wants you to like him. So he has to be nice, too. After all, you'll learn better if you're rewarded for being good, right? So you can get little rewards. Words of affirmation. A pat to the head. He'll buy you something you want, let you drink a bit (since, as a thief, of course, you had a problem with that before you came home, but that had to be corrected too, since drunkenness isn't very befitting). And sooner or later he does have a really good little wife. He's proud of you. You smile and obey commands without complaining. He can come home every day, and rather than hearing a long report from the staff about how much trouble you caused that day, instead you have food and smiles and sweet affection waiting on him, you hug him when he walks through the door. You're polite and sweet to the various business partners and guests that come through -- you don't speak to them without permission though, of course, and you look down at the ground so you don't make eye contact with another man. People say he's lucky and how they wish they had a wife that was so outwardly affectionate to them as you are to him, always clinging to him physically. And you don't complain or every object to anything, you just smile and say yes and do it. It makes him happy in a weird way he can't quite articulate. A warm swell of pride, a feeling of success. You have vague memories of a time when you were breaking into houses just to scrape by, not knowing when you'd eat next, not knowing where you'd sleep. It's kind of a fuzzy memory now. You don't have to worry about those things anymore, and you're a lot happier this way.

[angofwords]

Let’s talk about Blanca.

Mostly, I’ve seen some very well-argued posts about how he’s the absolute worst and should be reviled. It’s a very persuasive stance. While he was employed by Golzine to train Ash, he witnessed horrific child abuse, and yet did almost nothing to protect his student from any of it. It’s completely unforgivable, and yet, in the canon of Banana Fish, he’s forgiven for it. He’s portrayed as almost a heroic figure.

How can that work?

I can’t say for sure how (or even if) it works for others, but I can explain why it works for me.

First, consider Blanca’s backstory: he was born Sergei Varshikov and was trained from a young age to be a killer for the Soviet Union. He tells Yut Lung that he didn’t feel anything at all about his role back then, which seems to indicate either pschyopathy or repressive training in childhood. Because he’s able to fall in love with someone (Natasha Karsavina, who becomes his wife and who is later killed by the government), I think we’re supposed to understand that it’s the latter. Blanca was taught not to feel, and it took falling in love to reprogram him.

Losing Natasha affected him enormously. He defected from the Soviet Union and became a professional killer. I think he’s uniquely suited to such a profession, as he not only has the skills for it, but also his ethics are rooted in logic, rather than morality. I think that his upbringing skewed his perspective of the world: rather than seeing people in terms of “good” and “evil,” Blanca sees only power—who has it and who lacks it.

When he was first asked to train Ash, he fully intended to say no. In the end, however, he took the job because of Ash himself. In Private Opinion, Blanca meets a boy on the cusp of absolute destruction. Ash’s life is out of control—he’s being abused, not just by Dino, but also by his tutors and by Marvin. Ash has become violent, like a wild animal. Blanca takes the job because he sees how powerless Ash is, but also the potential he has to transcend his position to become very powerful. He thinks that harnessing that potential is the only way Ash will survive.

It doesn’t seem to occur to him to “rescue” the boy, or to report Golzine for child abuse. I blame this on his unorthodox upbringing. Blanca doesn’t see Golzine’s actions as inherently evil, because he’s been trained his whole life not to make moral judgements. Instead, he finds way to elevate Ash’s power and therefore improve his life’s conditions. An important element of that elevation is social status, which is part of the reason that Blanca threatens to kill Marvin if he touches Ash again—clearly a boy who is considered a sexual plaything for anyone who wants him must have very low standing. By enforcing a no-touching rule (except for Dino) Blanca elevates Ash into an exclusive plaything, rather than a common one. It’s not a huge step up, but it gives Ash space to become something entirely different. He teaches him to be a weapon. And once he’s a weapon, he has much more inherent value (as well as the ability to fight off unwanted advances).

Golzine also appreciates his boy becoming his weapon (that’s why he hired Blanca, after all) and his own view of Ash shifts as well. By the time Blanca retires, Ash is more to Dino than just a toy. He’s become an enforcer. He kills for Dino now, and this status is a *far* more powerful a position. Blanca leaves for the Caribbean knowing Ash has been elevated and under the impression that Ash has ceased to fight against Golzine, that he has accepted his role in Golzine’s household.

When Blanca returns to New York in volume 12, he’s surprised that Ash and Dino are no longer working together (to me, this speaks volumes about how things must’ve been when he left, because Blanca can definitely read a room) and says as much to Ash, urging him right from the start to get back onto the path of power—Golzine can make him one of the most powerful young men in the world, after all.

After watching him with Eiji, Blanca understands Ash’s reasons for resisting. He tells Ash that a lynx can’t be friends with a rabbit, not because he’s trying to hurt Ash, but because he genuinely believes in the need for power, and Dino Golzine is the obvious source of future power for Ash. Eiji represents an alternate path, one that Blanca doesn’t understand. (Though, to be fair, neither does Ash. He doesn’t think of a future with Eiji because that future in unimaginable to him.)

Blanca refuses to promise not to kill Eiji, even when Ash begs.

It's here where we first see any indication that Blanca’s stances are irresolute—once he hears Ash’s pleas, he tells him he regrets coming back to New York at all. He’s still going to do the job he’s been hired to do—he seems to have a deep sense of honor toward duty—but it’s clear that his affection for Ash is complicating things.

Because Ash gives in and returns to Golzine, Blanca’s job is finished. He lingers, however, despite saying that he is eager to get home. Yut Lung tries to hire him (to kill Eiji) and Blanca refuses, but still he doesn’t leave the city. This gives Yut Lung the opportunity for blackmail. He roots out Blanca’s history and threatens to notify the KGB if Blanca refuses to work for him. Blanca concedes, but only as Yut Lung’s bodyguard (having just witnessed the aftermath of an attempt on Yut Lung’s life).

It appears that he takes an interest in Yut Lung, but a careful reading shows that he’s really only interested in Yut Lung’s feelings about, and plans to destroy, Ash. He does his job very well, though, and protects Yut Lung through several skirmishes. Still, twice he tells Yut Lung he’s quitting and twice he’s reminded why he can’t (blackmail). It’s not until Yut Lung sends boys out to ambush Ash and Eiji that Blanca finally quits, choosing to try to protect Ash even knowing it means he could be exposed to the KGB.

He gets to them too late—Eiji is being wheeled into an ambulance and Ash, who has also been shot, is feral and dangerous. Blanca sends Jessica to the hospital with Eiji and prevents Ash from going along. He tells Ash that his presence is a danger to Eiji, that Ash’s selfish feelings about Eiji are what got him shot in the first place. Blanca is pretty intense here—I think he’s speaking from experience, that he sees himself and Natasha in Ash and Eiji.

In order to watch over him, Blanca persuades Ash to hire him. Again, there’s a lot of reason for him to leave at this point (Yut Lung could be bringing Soviet agents down on him at any time, for example) but he seems to need to see Ash through this. He even cryptically tells Jessica that Ash is his “savior.”

I think that means that Ash saved his soul. He had been a soulless killer before he met Natasha, then went back to that emotionless existence after she died. But meeting Ash stirred something inside him, gave him someone to care about and a purpose. Even when he urged Ash to submit to Golzine, he was trying to help Ash obtain the power he needed to survive. It wasn’t until Ash’s love for Eiji reminded him of Natasha, however, that the full effect was complete. Blanca became Sergei once more and remembered what it was to love.

He still cautioned distance—because it was true that Natasha was killed because of him, he believed that Ash was similarly dangerous for Eiji—but it was for Ash’s sake. Blanca he actually understands that, to Ash, Eiji’s safety is more important than any possible happiness together. Blanca understands Ash in a way that his other “fathers” never will. He understands Ash’s limitations as well as his potential, and I don't think either Golzine or Max (and especially not Jim!) ever did.

I think Ash comes to understand Blanca in the same way. They are kindred, bonded by experience and similar ways of thinking. Ash doesn’t need to forgive Blanca for not saving him from Golzine, because he never expected him to. Instead, he sees Blanca is the first man who didn’t let him down, who always had his back and who helped him become more than his situation.

I don’t hate Blanca. He’s deeply, tragically flawed, but he does his best.

[masterthespianduchovny]

Let’s talk about this Nate and Rebecca comparison again. 😊

There is a reason why I forgave Rebecca and why I’ll forgive Nate if he has the same introspection and emotional beats that she did surrounding the apology sequence.

Keeley gives Rebecca an ultimatum. “Either you tell Ted or I will.”

So the pressure to own up to the clusterfuck she created was there. It was time sensitive and she stood to lose a friend if she didn’t comply.

Rebecca calls Ted into her office saying that she’ll get straight to the point and not procrastinate while ironically doing neither.

We see this is difficult for her. It’s clear that she cares a lot for Ted and is realizing how much she stands to lose—not just her image, but Ted as friend as well, which is why she loses her nerve and sends him away.

Then Rupert comes in and drops a bomb, he and Bex are expecting. He dresses up this revelation as kindness and compassion opposed to callousness and cruelty. That he came to tell her face to face to watch her become distraught in real time. He revels in her pain. He wants to be the cause of it.

And the thing is: they both know this.

They both know he’s not trying to soften the blow of the new, but rather, add to it.

Rupert tries to frame her as hysterical. He tries to make her feel not good enough to have his child. Something he emotionally manipulated her into not having. A discussion they probably had for years, which he made her feel bad about.

Only to impregnate a younger woman and deem her “worthy” of having his child.

And he does hurt her.

We see the tears and the understanding as to how vile and evil is in Rebecca’s face. We see the understanding that Rupert gets off on emotionally harming her.

In that moment, Rebecca decides that she’s not going to be Rupert, she’s not going to end up like him. She’s not going to get off on others misery even if it’s his. It’s not her and so many people have gotten hurt, or could’ve, in the process.

Although she wants to keep ted in her life, as her friend, he has a right to know what she did. He has a right to quit and go the press. She’s not justified in what she���s done to Ted just because Rupert harmed her. And harming all of those people in the process just to hurt Rupert wasn’t right.

Rebecca sheds her fears and owns why she did because she doesn’t have the right to be shielded from Ted’s rightful anger. She doesn’t have the right to shield herself from something that is long overdo. She doesn’t have the right to take solace in a friendship that she feels she doesn’t deserve.

She deserves whatever Ted throws at her.

So she goes to face Ted and doesn’t justify or excuse her actions. There is not only remorse, there is also ownership of her actions. She doesn’t ask to be spared, plea for anything, beg, or influence Ted to take it easy on her.

In fact, she expects him to quit and tell the press, which she expects to weather after he airs our her dirty laundry.

And you know what, she was 100% prepared to accept accountability and responsibility for her actions.

Now this doesn’t erase the harm she did, but 1. Rebecca expressed remorse 2. She apologized 3. She was accountable 4. She didn’t try to influence him to forgive her and didn’t expect him to. 5. She gave him the space and freedom (no crowd) to make whatever decision he felt was appropriate even if she suffered massive consequences, which would’ve been deserved.

To be far to Nate, he’s in the middle of his story. So he didn’t have the same gut punch moment. We’ll see what that looks like at the end of the season.

What we get is Beard calling him out for what he said to Colin, Nate wondering if Ted knows, and being told to apologize.

I must note that Nate doesn’t appear to be remorseful about what he said, he just doesn’t want to get in trouble with Ted. Even if you argue that either Nate shouldn’t have to apologize to Colin since Colin used to bully him or that their relationship is too complicated to get to that point yet, Nate is still one of Colin’s coaches. If Nate isn’t mature enough to separate their history from their current relationship, he shouldn’t be a coach.

Remember, Roy was literally called out about this an episode or two ago and immediately corrected his behavior when called out by Ted. He cannot be a coach and selectively coach players. It doesn’t work that way.

Nate not only doesn’t give Colin the space and freedom to process his apology, the apology was insincere. There is no reckon king, reflection, or sincerity in his words. He’s apologizing because he has to and not because he means it.

The thing is: Nate should’ve apologized for allowing their past history interfere for his coaching responsibility and acknowledged that Colin did emotionally and physically hurt him, but it’s something he’s working to move past to be great at his job.

However, the person who really deserved the apology was Will and that’s what further highlights the entire charade. More so than Colin, Will deserved the apology and to be treated with respect. He deserves not to yelled at, afraid, and not to go to work at a hostile environment.

Instead, Nate further focuses on Will and his hostility increases.

Again, we are at the middle of Nate’s story, so anything can happen. But don’t get mad at me for using this comparison when I wasn’t the one who made it. Rather than people mentioning how Rebecca was forgiven for the fucked up shit she did, people should’ve said, “look at where Rebecca was around the half way mark in the first season and look at where she was in the finale; even though it looks bad, Nate still has time to turn this around.”

Instead people want to say, “y’all forgave Rebecca and Jamie for worse shit.”

Rebecca and Nate’s apologies are vastly different. After Rebecca apologized to Ted, she went and genuinely apologized to Higgins. Nate read a mean tweet and went and verbally abused and threatened Will.

For the third time, Nate is in the middle of his story and it does him a disservice to compare him to people with completed arcs. To people who has self reflection, made amends, and made active changes to become better people and useful to the bigger picture. Because we went on these full journeys, we’re able to forgive. Nate is still working through his shit and his actions aren’t a good look at all.

Let’s not set Nate up to fail currently by comparing him to people who have dealt with their shit heads on and learned from it. Let’s compare Nate’s journey to the middle of their stories and stress that his story isn’t over yet.

And let’s acknowledge that people have the right to feel angry and disturbed at Nate. Or how the power imbalance is vastly different from kitman and player v kitman and coach. This isn’t to say Jamie and co weren’t wrong to bully Nate, however, currently, as an assistant coach, he has more power over Will than the players did over him. Although Ted and Beard can override him, that relies on them always being around and seeing shit AND Will not being frightened to come forward. He may not think he’ll be able to or have support. Especially because they’re a crew, the Diamond Dogs.

Relying on other coaches to save or spare Will undercuts any reckoning and accountability for Nate. He needs to come to the realization that his behavior is fucked up and he shouldn’t be tormenting the kitman for any reason.

[cherripeach]

Chapter 12

Little Match Maker

Summary: Your life motto is “I have the power of god and anime on my side, don’t mess with me,” and you stand by that with your life. No human, magician, or random creature could ever stop your firm belief in it.

However, getting transported to this world that seemed to turn your already bad luck worse was not what you wanted to be in your life story, but you made the most of it. Making friends, enemies, and disasters, you were in your prime in this world, and so you decided to help as many people as you could flourish, at least what you believed to be.

Chapter 1:9 Fre sha vaca do

Lunch Time Group Chat!

Warnings: Curse words, 

Words: 2.5k

Relationships: developing but future twstxreader

The glare from the upperclassman Prefect standing behind Ace onto Ace could slowly disintegrate you, which is why you are very appreciative it was not directed at you. 

Cater flashed some finger guns and greeted the new face, “Hey there, Riddle! You look super cute today, too!” He even added a wink for effect. 

Riddle, the new face at your table, scoffed and turned his head to face Cater only to tighten his lips, then, relax them into a sickly smile, “Keep talking like that, Cater, and it will be off with your head, too.” 

Cater held up his hands, “Come on now, please go easy on me.” 

Grim whispered to you, “This is the guy who put that weird collar on me during the Opening Ceremony!” 

“Looks like it,” was your only response, but you were more concerned with how someone so small could have so much anger. Closer to hell is what you always believed. 

Riddle moved his sight onto you and Grim before starting his lecture, “You two are the ones who caused a ruckus yesterday, aren’t you?” He pointed his finger at Grim, “Would you refrain from referring to someone’s unique magic as ‘a weird collar’? Good grief, the Headmaster is too soft. Letting someone off the hook for not following the rules once will break the foundation. All those who don’t follow the rules should just say goodbye to their heads.” He shook his head at the end, but he seemed to talk in a continuous sigh as if everything was bothering him.

You mimicked his sickly smile he demonstrated before and started, “I’m sorry, but please concern yourself with your dorm members and their activities before you come at me.” You closed your eyes and smiled tight for dramatic effect at the end.

Riddle’s mouth flew open as he began to mumble, “Wha..what ever could you mean?”

Ace and Deuce were in a silent conversation below the new Prefect while his eyes were still wide on you. 

“I just thought that bullying and threatening to use magic on campus would be against the rules,” You shrugged your shoulders while frowning. 

A little, ‘Hmph’, came out of Riddle before he decided, “I’ll deal with your issue later, but know that the Headmaster may have forgiven you, but the next time you break the rules, I won’t let you off so easily.” 

You lightly rolled your eyes and drank some of your drink because you knew that this boy would take a while for him to calm down about your past mishaps. 

“Um…” Ace butted into your conversation and your glare off with a question, “By the way, Prefect… Is it possible for you to remove this collar?” His hand directed itself to point at the thing around his neck. 

Riddle nodded his head and answered, “I was thinking of removing it once you’ve repented, but judging from what you said a while ago, it seems like you’ve yet to do so. I’ll have you walk around like that for a while longer.You don’t have to worry.” He shook his head with the brightest smile on his face, “The 1st years’ lessons are focused more on classroom learning rather than magic training. If you can’t use magic, then something like yesterday’s ruckus should be impossible. It’s perfect, isn’t it? Now, if you’re done eating, hurry and go to your next class. Rule #271 of the Queen of Hearts: ‘You must not spend more than 15 minutes sitting at the table after you’ve eaten.��You know what happens when you break the rules, don’t you?” His smile disappeared after that, which brought you much more comfort than it should have. 

Ace sighed in response and muttered, “Another weird rule..”

Riddle voiced out, “Answer me with ‘Yes, Prefect!’”

Ace and Deuce both replied, “Yes, Prefect!”

Riddle nodded and ended with, “Good.”

Trey, the savior of you all, cut into the conversation, “Now, now. I’ll see them off, don’t worry.” His normal smile was far stretched too wide for your liking. 

Riddle scoffed for the fiftieth time you have been in the same conversation as him, “You’re the Vice Prefect, so you better do your job properly. As stated by the Queen of Hearts’ Rule #339, ‘After-meal lemon tea should have nothing more or less than 2 sugar cubes in it.’ In order to protect that rule, I shall need to buy more sugar cubes at the school store. I’ll be taking my leave now.” The Prefect was then found muttering to himself and walking away.

“Wait, man!” You tried to get his attention and even stood up, but the small dude was already on his way, too concerned about whatever he was mumbling about. 

Cater shivered,  “Man, that was scary…” Cater turned to you once you sat down, winked, and whistled, “But since I was here, I protected the sweet, little, new prefect from getting hurt.”

You rolled your eyes and thanked in a bland tone with a smile, “You are so amazing, Cat! I can almost see how respected you are.” 

Grim pulled on your coat to get your attention, “He’s really lookin’ like a bad guy now, yanno? That Prefect.” 

“Hey, that’s very rude!” Deuce seemed to disagree, but considering that he was shaking five seconds ago, you would disagree with him. 

“As much as I would like to say, he isn’t a bad guy. He’s really disproving my point,” You claimed. 

Two students with red bands passed by your table muttering something about a rule, you assumed one of Riddle’s, and how there needs to be a bit more freedom. That was all you could take from it. 

Trey and Cater went silent at that and just stared into space. 

Trey sighed before addressing, “The Dorm Head managed to become the head one week after getting into the school. He’s a little bit sharp-tongued, but he’s only got the dorm’s best intentions in mind, so he’s not really a bad guy…”

Grim shook his head, “People who think like that don’t just put collars on others.”

Cater and Trey both laughed before exhaling at the same time. Neither one of them had a smile on their face. 

You brought up something that has been bothering you, “You are right, Grim. However, my main problem is that the tiny Prefect is creating a space of fear and not safety for these boys at this school. Safety and acceptance should always come first. Fear only destroys.” You place a hand on your chin, “That magic spell thing doesn’t seem to help either.”

Cater tilted his head at your, “Hm? You mean Riddle’s unique magic?”

“Unique… “ Deuce voiced, “Meaning, it’s only exclusive to the Prefect?”

Trey explained, “Putting aside all the other magic in the world, magic that can only be used by one person is called ‘unique magic’. I think you’ll learn about it in detail if you pay attention in class.”

You joined in, “Very unique!”

Deuce and Ace only groaned at your joke. 

Cater furthered Trey’s explanation, “Riddle’s unique magic is being able to seal off another person’s magic for a given time.It’s called…

Off with your head!” The Queen of Hearts flashed in your mind while Cater made a cutting motion across his neck. 

Grim shrieked, “Even the name’s scary!” And clutched your cloak in his paws.

Cater agreed, “It is, especially, since magicians having their magic sealed off is similar to having your head chopped off. That's why, as long as you’re in this dorm, it’s better not to go against Riddle.” He smiled warily at everyone. 

You clicked your teeth with your tongue. 

Trey disputed, “Conversely, as long as you follow the rules, he can be pretty gentle.”

“Oh yeah,” Ace blew on his bangs, “Am I gonna be chased out again if I don’t come back with a tart…?” He smiled showing his teeth, but his eyes were narrow along with his eyebrows being stuck close together. 

Cater frowned, “Pretty much, That’s what Rule #53 says, after all. Oh, and since Riddle was looking forward to getting the first slice of that whole cake, he probably won’t forgive you if you don’t bring the same thing,” He ruffled his own hair and apologized, “Sorry about that.”

Ace huffed, “You said you want to get along, but you won’t let me off that easily, huh?!”

“This and that are different,” Cater objected with a sway of his hands. 

Deuce pointed out, “Still, isn’t a whole tart a little bit expensive?”

Ace groaned and smacked the table with his head, “I don’t have that much money though…” He even lifted his head to gaze at you with puppy eyes. 

You gave him a look of disgust back. 

Cater suggested, “Then why not make some?Those tarts were all made by,” He paused for dramatic effect and pointed both his hands to the green haired upperclassman,  “Trey here, y’know?”

“Ooooh,” You just had to comment, “Cute and can cook. Def husband material.” You giggled at the end of your comment. You were insanely jealous of whoever married him. 

Trey flushed a little at your statement and stammered out, “Well, not.. not really…” He began playing with his glasses after; he even took them off to clean them. 

Ace gasped out, “You made all that Trey-senpai?! Amazing! It’s better than what they sell here!” He stood up and motioned to the room around him, pulling a couple of eyes to the table the group was at. 

Trey, glasses back on,  admitted with a cough, “Thanks. I think I have most of the tools and ingredients here… But I won’t simply offer you my services.” His smile returned as his eyebrows rose up. 

Ace broke out again, “Eh?! You’re gonna ask us to pay you!?” He, finally, decided to sit back down because now even more eyes were on him. 

Trey chuckled and shook his head, “There’s no way I can extort money from a junior, you know? The next tart that Riddle wants to eat requires a lot of chestnuts. Would you mind gathering some for me?” 

Ace pouted, “It’s troublesome either way…! So, how much do you need?” 

“It’s going to be used for the Unbirthday Party,” Trey stopped to think, “So about two to three hundred will do.” He put up three fingers on his hand. 

Grim and deuce spurted out and jumped up, “That much!?”

You tilted your head in thought, “But aren’t they real tiny, so I guess it makes some sense…”You squeezed your thumb and index finger together.

Trey answered, “I’ll have you help me with roasting them and peeling them.” As if any of you knew how to do that. 

Grim whined at you, “Can I go back home? Pleaseeeeee.”

Deuce joined in Grim’s whines directed at you, “Me too.”

You blurted out, “No.”

Ace accused the two, “You traitors!” 

“If anything, I can help out,” You volunteered like the amazing person you are, not because it kinda sounded like free food. Not at all, “I don’t know what to do tho, sorry. But besides, it's not like I have much to do or look forward to from that dorm.” 

Cater clapped his hands in glee, “Making them together and then eating them together will make it more delicious!” He closed his eyes and smiled wide, “It’s that making memories that count. It might even help you start a cooking blog for all we know.”

Trey put a finger up to his lip, “Keep this a secret from the Prefect, but freshly made marron tart is the best. The only ones who can eat it as soon as it gets out of the oven are the ones who made it, you know?”

Grim on the same page as you knew this was free food, “Hey, you boys! Get your rear in gear! We’re gonna go pick some chestnuts ‘til we drop!” Food was the prime motivator for your dorm. 

You smirked at the cat, “Matching vibes, are we?” Turning to your green haired upperclassman, you questioned, “Where would we find these anyway?” 

Trey informed the group, “There are a lot of chestnut trees right by the forest behind the school’s botanical garden.”

Ace gave Trey a thumbs up before turning back to you, Deuce, and Grim, “Alright! Then, let’s gather in front of the greenhouse after school.” 

“Go, go! We’re goin’ chestnut picking!” Grim cheered from the table.

“Wait, does anyone know where the garden even is?” You asked. 

All three of them watched you correcting you, “Shouldn’t you know, Supervisor?”

Frustrated beyond belief at these three you smacked each one on the head and told them to, “Screw off, and never beg for anything from me again!”

Lunch ended peacefully with shoves from both Deuce and Ace, and Grim making your hair even more like a yarn ball the cat would love. 

The rest of the day passed by quickly.

In your first class after lunch, which was astrology where two homerooms were combined for it, you blanked out half the lesson and almost fell asleep, but you can really remember seeing and speaking to the feminine boy from the purple house. He dropped his pencil on the ground, and when you tried to give him his pencil that fell off his desk, he snatched it from your hand and rolled his eyes at you. 

You replied to him, “Okay, who shit in your cornflakes today?” 

The boy turned back to you scoffed and cringed, “I’m sure it was from just seeing your face.” 

You just turned away and slapped your head with the textbook, which was not the best idea as it created a noise that alerted the professor who then stared at you with confusion on his face and because the textbook hurts. 

The feminine boy let out a giggle while you were being lectured by the professor, and you were gonna hold that accomplishment high. 

Your last class of the day which was just an introduction of the school and its history had you stuck next to the tall green haired male from P.E. from another class. He never introduced himself, but whenever he would ask questions he would shoot his hand straight up and practically yell in your ear as if the professor was deaf. 

You basically lost your hearing in your right ear that day. The ear will always live with great achievements. 

He also scolded you whenever you said, “Complete bullshit.” to Ace.

Something about how such language should never come out of anyone who goes to the same school as his ‘young master’ does. Now that was ‘complete bullshit.’

The three of your friends laughed at you the rest of the class for having someone your age scold you like a mother would. 

Classes finally ended, and the three of you made your way to the Hearts dorm to drop your bags off.

You were just happy to receive some food for free.

------

Life has been a disaster! I’m not dead tho. 

[troublesometrollhunters]

Redeemed Morgana General Romance Headcannons

She survived her redemption after smitting Arthur, releasing his soul finally letting him be free. But now she must live with the guilt and shame she feels. Her pain and her anger is the reason everthing has happened. Hate destroyed Arthur and it destroyed her. Now she must fix all the things she's done and build trust with people who despise her. Good thing she has you too help.

Trust is hard to earn and takes time to build. Morgana has hurt so many people, lashing out from her own hurt. She has many apologies to make and many bad habits to break. One day she will be forgiven but until then she must work hard to prove she is not who she once was.

Hisirdoux grew up in the Castle when Merlin took him in. He knows the old Morgana, you know the old Morgana, and your both determined to bring her back. She had so much good in her and all her ideas brought light to the world. She is a powerful mage with strong opinions and if she focused her magic and passion on the right things she could make the world a better place.

Toby is surprisingly the first one on the Trollhunters Team to reach out. He knows what it's like to loose your family and he also knows evil people can become good. Aarrrgh is weary of her but when she gets on her knees apologizing for giving Gunmar power, for allowing him to hurt his people, and not taking better control of what King Arthur was doing to trolls Aarrrgh knows she means it. She is forgiven and he promises someday she will have his trust but for now they are merely allies. Not friends yet but... soon. Aarrrgh understands pain and hurt, he understands becoming something your not and he knows Morgana can fix her past mistakes just as he did.

Aarrrgh, Toby, Hisirdoux, and you now have a big job ahead of you. Now you must help the others trust or at least tolerate Morgana and show that she is no longer a threat. One battle where she helps defeat her brother and save Hisirdoux's life isn't enough on a never ending list of all the bad she's done in the past. She will have to work hard to make up for what she's done but helping defeat her brother was a good first step.

Jim and Blinky are next. It takes Aarrrgh Toby and you to help push them but Jim slowly understands why Morgana has done what she's done and he does his best to forgive her. He was there when Morgana fell, he was there when she protected him and Claire. She was a radical woman stuck in a time where she had no true power. Forced to submit to people who did not have her beliefs and forced to be someone she wasn't. You buffer their conversations and soon Jim finds himself going to Morgana for advice and trusting what she tells him. It's not a lot but it's a start.

Blinky is hesitant but he bonds with Morgana over their shared love of books and writing. Morgana explains to him when she was a young girl she'd spend hours in the library reading books. In the castle they were one of her only soliaces. You and books that is. They talk about old authors and history long forgotten by humans. Blinky gives Morgana an old book she mentioned loving and it's a slow way towards amends but it's a gesture to show she's getting there and it's enough for her. When she tells you what happened its enough to make you tear up as Morgana reads the book to you, sharing a tender moment and celebrating a step in the right direction.

It takes some time for Jim to regain his confidence with everyone encouraging him. But when he finally does feel ready Excalibur is his to wield. Morgana focuses on the magic part of the blade and unlocking it's power while Blinky helps retrain him to fight with a bigger and different shaped sword. He no longer posseses Merlins amulet but Morgana assures him he is worthy of her late brothers sword and he is still a Trollhunter. She never thought she'd work with one of Merlins champions but she'd rather work with Jim than any other Hunter.

As Jim trains with Excalibur you have one last apology to give. Claire. Claire thinks you've put a spell on her friends and is very defensive when either you or Morgana come near her. She thinks your a spy and you only want to trick them, that your friendship is built on lies. It takes time and patience but eventually Claire tells you why. She opens her heart about the possession and the Shadow zone and how Morgana hurt her and there's a lot of yelling but it's okay. You and Morgana understand. You comfort the girl thanking her for her vulnerability and her strength.

You decide to give the team time to reflect on everythings thats happened. Morganas made her apologies and has worked towards redemption now its time to let the others think of what she's said and take some time for yourselves. You propose a little vacation into town. You want her to learn about what she's missed and see how different the 21st is from the 12th.

It's time for Morgana to see the New World. It's something Morgana can't even believe. Woman have rights to their bodies and have so much more freedom than she ever did. There are so many more inventions and food is much more accessible. The streets are clean and the people seem happy. However out of everything you show her the local cafe bookstore has got to be one of her favorites. Something old mixed with something modern she enjoys the baked goods and loves the strange drinks as she browses the many books. Any dates now happen there where she can catch up on a few hundred years of reading or at the cinema where she sees the books she reads come to life.

Hisirdoux is the first to visit you on your self imposed excile. He brings wine and snacks and you and Morgana are never one's to turn down a fun conversation about magic. You talk about books, spells, potions, and Camelot. You reminesce late into the night about the good old times and Douxie assures you, your both doing great.

When you come back after a few weeks the group is happy to see you both again. They'd all missed Morgana and you and even Claire admits she missed having another female wizard around. It takes awhile but she eventually moves on accepting Morgana is no longer evil. The Trollhunters they all remember but they forgive.

Blinky asks Morgana about the books she's been reading while Toby and Jim ask her for stories about Excalibur and Camelot. Claire soon joins in having questions about magic and Aarrrgh chuffs watching curiously. Morgana still has the pain of her past haunting her but she's never felt more assured she'll heal or that everything will be okay.

It's a slow path to redemption but with you by her side to smooth things out its not as slow as it'd be alone. As you take her home she gives you a kiss. If theres one thing she missed most while she was locked away, it was you.

[eryiss]

Ship: Freed x Laxus

Rating: Teen

Summary: Laxus has returned to the guild, but is still scared of not being accepted. Freed does what he can to help, and insists that Laxus attend some of the events held in the guildhall. Over the course of a year, and four different parties, the guild starts feeling like home again. And Freed, well... Freed has something to confess.

Notes: Hi. This was a little thing I wrote becuase I haven't done enough canon-verse writing; that and I want to procrastonate from uni work. I hope you all enjoy it, and sorry for any mistakes.

Links: FFN, Ao3

Part of the Party

The Summer Solstice

Freed was, despite what some might claim, rather fond of parties. Not so much in the way a typical Fairy Tail mage might do; he didn't find pleasure in getting as drunk as his body would allow, starting a fight, and collapsing in the mountain of rubble they'd created. Rather, he went to the guild parties to nurse a glass of wine, watch the inevitable decline in both intelligence and balance of his friends, and watch from the side-lines. It was his own form of enjoyment, and yet it had somehow given him the reputation as, as one of his guildmates had so eloquently put it, a boring stick-in-the-mud bastard.

That had been Natsu, who at that moment was wobbling haphazardly towards the bar, hugging Pantherlilly as if he were his own cat, singing at the top of his lungs with neither pitch nor tone. Hardly a reputable source of judgment, Freed concluded.

Still, that was the reputation he had gained, and he wasn't helping that tonight.

Rather, he was making it worse. From the moment he had arrived he had refused any drinks, had perched himself at a table on the second floor as to overlook the party but not be a part of it, and hardly spoken to anybody; not the most convivial actions for celebrating the summer solstice. It hadn't been for lack of wanting to be involved, but rather out of necessity. This was Laxus' first guild event since he had returned, and he hadn't been entirely enthusiastic to go.

It was a problem that had Freed worried. Laxus had been accepted back with open arms, and yet he was still skittish around anyone other than the Raijinshuu. He had been forgiven, but didn't seem to believe it, and avoided everyone as much as he could. Freed knew that, had he not been forceful with his friend, Laxus would have spent the night alone.

So they'd made a deal. Laxus would attend the party, but he was allowed to leave at any moment.

Freed felt that this was maybe too big a step taken too quickly, and he'd only realised that as they approached the guildhall. Laxus was… off-kilter, and this might push him over the edge. So, he had decided that if the worse did happen, Freed would be sober and waiting to help Laxus with it. But it didn't look like he needed it.

"You can't just watch him all night, you know," Mirajane commented as she walked up the stairs, holding a glass of chocolate milkshake; if he couldn't have alcohol, Freed would indulge in other ways. "You might enjoy yourself more. He's doing okay."

"I know," Freed agreed, taking the drink and placing the used glass from earlier on Mirajane's tray. "But I think, the longer he's down there alone, the better. He needs to be fully submerged without his crutch."

"His crutch being you, Ever and Bicks?" Mirajane asked, and Freed nodded. "That's why they're avoiding him, then."

"Indeed, although I suspect Ever would gravitate towards your brother no matter what," Freed chuckled a little, and Mirajane preened a little at the reminder. "Though I must admit, Bickslow, Loke and Natsu being so close does concern me. They're chaotic enough as is, I'd rather not deal with them all together."

"I think they're playing tic-tac-toe," Mirajane frowned a little. "I think it's only a matter of time before Loke suggests making it strip tic-tac-toe, but it's innocent enough right now."

"Perhaps bring me a bucket of water, I could probably pour it over them all from here should they get too involved in their game," Freed mused aloud, and Mirajane laughed a little at the thought.

They both remained in silence for a while, Freed watching as Laxus had a somewhat awkward looking conversation with Reedus, who seemed to be requesting Laxus model for a painting sometimes in the future. Freed smiled a little, hearing Laxus say that he'd consider it; a step in the right direction already. Before his excommunication, Laxus wouldn't have given a second before denying the request, it was nice for him to be making the effort.

Too engrossed in his pride for his friend, Freed missed the slightly sad look on Mirajane's face as she looked down at him. Because of this, when she spoke again, Freed found himself on the back foot and ill-prepared.

"Have you told him yet?" She asked, voice soft but words making Freed freeze. She continued. "It's just that you said that you would, and I really do think he'd-"

"It's not the time," Freed spoke softly, but with firmness.

"When will the time be, Freed?"

"He's," Freed began, but stopped and sighed. "His life is a mess right now. He has nowhere to live other than my sofa, feels like the place he's called home for most of his life doesn't want him there, and doesn't know what to do. It would be cruel to add something else onto that."

"I understand that, but it might be nice for him," Mirajane shrugged. "He likes you back, he always has. He's just not been ready for you until now."

"Well, if that's the case, then we can both wait until things are a little less precarious," Freed stated, putting an end to the conversation.

Mirajane didn't seem to want to push, so Freed looked over the banister to the lower floor to see that Laxus' conversation with Reedus had ended. He looked a little lost for a moment, and Freed let a smile flicker onto his face before it immediately died. Laxus couldn't see it yet, but Lucy was approaching him. She, more than anyone else in the guild, was the person Laxus was most scared of speaking with. He had been avoiding her like the plague, and by the expression of determination on her face, she had noticed.

Freed wanted to intercept, or at least break his own rule and be there beside Laxus. Many times, Laxus had expressed regret for how he had treated his guildmates, and more than anyone else he believed Lucy could not forgive him. Many of the others had known Laxus before his shift in character, but Lucy had only seen him at his worth. He couldn't believe that she would give him any benefit of the doubt.

He clearly didn't know her. Freed had thought that way, until he'd been forced to speak with her about fixing his issue with his hair – something that should have been humiliating, but had instead been easy, and without complication. The woman was kind, nothing less.

"He'll be fine," Mirajane assured Freed. "She just wants to get to know him, and he's been okay with everyone else. It'll be fine."

"I know," Freed said, not believing his own words.

They watched from afar as Lucy finally came face to face with Laxus. He was clearly tense, face unmoving and words stilted. Lucy seemed unaffected, chatting away as she so often didn't with enthusiasm and with cheerfulness. Freed had often wondered how so much optimism could be contained in a single person, but he was glad for it now. This was good, it was going fine.

Until it wasn't.

Freed couldn't hear what had been said, but without warning, Laxus erupted into lightning. He was consumed by it within a moment, and bolts of flickering magic shot out of the door, breaking it open and lighting up the city as it darted through the streets. Laxus was gone, and Lucy was left with her mouth agape, silent in her shock. Freed hissed, placing his milkshake on the table and storming towards the staircase. Teleportation runes had consumed him before he had reached the top step, and he found himself in his sitting room, with Laxus on the sofa, hunched over, crying weakly and trying to stop.

With a small breath, Freed stepped forward and placed a hand on Laxus' shoulder. Laxus tensed, but leaned into it.

"I am so proud of you," Freed whispered. "You were spectacular, and did so well."

Laxus didn't respond. That was how the rest of the night went, until Laxus' tears subsided, and he slept curled up, head resting on Freed's lap. All in all, despite how it had ended, Freed knew that this had been good for Laxus, and was something of a breakthrough for him. As the man gently snored, and Freed ran his hands through his hair, Freed repeated himself in a quiet whisper.

"I am so damn proud of you, Laxus."

---

Freed's Birthday

The singing was a little too much, Freed found.

Discordant, with its volume inversely proportionate to its talent, it sounded somewhat like a bag of cats trying to fight with a set of bagpipes in the middle of a tornado. Well, perhaps that was slightly hyperbolic and fanciful, but he'd had his fair share of champagne throughout the day and as such was allowed to enjoy his creative side.

He'd awoken to his team making him breakfast – pancakes, pain au chocolates, and cinnamon rolls – before he had been taken to the guild. As normal, it was a loud and rowdy affair. The peculiar tradition of his yearly fight with Natsu took place, a grand meal had been prepared, and he'd been sung to. Very very loudly.

Still, it was a nice day. A tradition.

It was good to have Laxus there, too. The blonde had been present for the breakfast, and Freed had expected that would be it for his inclusion of the day. A month had passed since the summer solstice party, and Laxus' time spent in the guildhall was still minimal. Other steps had been made – he'd modelled for Reedus, set up a weekly training session with Gajeel, and went on an incredibly unexpected mission with Happy – but he still struggled with the guild as a whole. He confessed that their team spirit was too much, and it felt like he was intruding.

Freed didn't want to push him. The first party had kicked him into action, and now Laxus was getting to know his guildmembers both old and new, and if doing so one-by-one was what it took then so be it.

But, Laxus had come. He'd eaten, drunk, and Freed had caught sight of him and Gajeel laughing together while the rest of the guild sang at him. It was nice to see, and it had made the signing more bearable. Slightly more bearable, anyway.

Then, the presents came.

As always, they were an onslaught of gifts, some personalised, others more general. Levy had gotten him a first edition copy of 'The Mechanics of Magic', Erza a grindstone to polish his sword on, Reedus a painting containing all of his team and Laxus in the heat of battle, and Lucy a set of quills and ink. He thanked them all graciously, touched by the effort that had been spent on them. His guildmates really were too kind.

The thought made him look up, glancing towards where Laxus had been. Freed hoped that, upon seeing the forgiveness and open kindness he was receiving, Laxus might feel more involved himself. When he looked up, he saw that Laxus had left the guildhall.

Dammit.

He sat through the rest of the gifts, trying to remain focused but unable to feel bad. Eventually they ended, and the party moved onto the next stage: Gajeel and his guitar. If Laxus' departure wasn't excuse enough for Freed to leave the guildhall and go into the courtyard, then the music certainly was.

Once outside, it didn't take him long to find where Laxus had ended up. Freed had hoped that his friend hadn't left altogether, and was gratified when he saw him sitting on the edge of the pool, his boots bedside him and his trousers rolled up. Freed smiled as he walked forward, kicking off his own shoes and folding his own trousers to his knees. He sat beside Laxus, letting his calves rest limply in the cold water in the pool. Laxus shifted a little, clearly in his own head and not having noticed Freed's approach.

"Hey," He murmured quietly. "Sorry I didn't… I couldn't… just got a bit much, y'know."

"I understand," Freed said immediately. "I'm impressed that you managed to-"

"You don't need to do that. I appreciate it, but I don't need you telling me that I'm making steps," Laxus argued, smiling a little. He bumped his shoulder into Freed's, as if to make sure Freed knew he'd taken no offence.

"Very well," Freed nodded. "I'm glad you're here though, it wouldn't have felt right without you."

"I can't let my right-hand man celebrate his birthday without me," Laxus grinned, and Freed chuckled quietly, lifting his foot and watching the ripples that the action caused. "Speaking of which, I should give you this," Laxus leant away from Freed for a moment, reached for something, and handed Freed a hastily wrapped box. He didn't meet Freed's eye when he handed it to him. "I was gonna give it to you in the morning, but wanted to force myself to come here so held off. So, erm, happy birthday."

"Thank you, Laxus," Freed smiled, taking the box with a smile.

"You don't know what it is yet," Laxus grinned a little. "Bicks didn't get you a speedo this year, maybe I wanted to keep up the tradition."

"If you did, then there would be a sense of irony because you'd be the one ended up in the pool," Freed chuckled. "And he did, actually. Somehow, and I can only blame Mirajane for this, he had it baked into my slice of the cake," Laxus barked out a laugh. "It was lime green. In a few years' time I'll have a whole rainbow of them."

"Wonder what he'll do when he runs outta colours," Laxus grinned, before nudging Freed again. "Open it."

Freed did as instructed, and halted a little when he realised what it was. It was an Armillary Sphere. It seemed to be made from solid gold, shining under the lamps strewn across the courtyard. He gently ran his hands over the incremental engravings, adjusting the device slowly with a look of wonderment on his face.

"It's beautiful," He whispered. "How did you…"

"I don't know if you remember, but we did a mission together a couple years back and finished it early. We got pretty pissed after, since neither of us had had a break for a while," Laxus was a little red in the face. "We were lying in a clearing somewhere, looking at the stars. And you suddenly started naming them all, telling me all the stories associated with the consolations. You kept going, you could even figure out our coordinates based on what we could see. You just kept talking about stars, and astronomy and I never forgot it. You mentioned that you used to have one of these in yer old house, and I saw it in an antique store before I came back to the guild and thought you might have liked it."

"It's incredible," Freed was a little breath taken. The fact Laxus had brought it before returning to the guild was just… "Thank you, Laxus. It's… perhaps one of the nicest things someone has done for me."

"Aw don't say that," Laxus laughed a little, but there was a quaver in his words. "Not when I've got the heights of the speedo collection to contend with. And what did Gray get ya? A monocle? Who the hell put him up to that?"

"In fairness, I did gift him a scarf for his last birthday. Which, with him is the equivalent of throwing a pebble into an active volcano with how long it'll stay on his body," Freed chuckled. "I did tell him that, so I suspect the monocle is his act of revenge."

Laxus made a little laugh, leaning back on his hands and watching the ripples across the water. Freed did the same, shifting slightly and allowing his side to press gently against Laxus'. Laxus didn't move, and Freed had a soft smile across his features as he allowed a yawn to split his lips. A party was nice and all, but this was better.

---

Halloween

"Fuck," Laxus gaped as he looked at Freed. "You take this seriously, huh?"

Freed chuckled a little at Laxus' reaction. As demanded by Bickslow, Freed had kept his costume a secret from everyone, including Laxus. That had been a difficult feat, given that Freed had removed his desk and books from his office, turned it back into a bedroom and they had become official roommates. The costume had been tucked away in the back of his closet for a month, and this was the first time anyone other than Freed himself had seen it.

As always, the Raijinshuu went in a themed costume. This year, fighters throughout history. Evergreen had insisted on being a Viking, Bickslow had chosen an old Rune Amry uniform, and Freed had decided on a gladiator.

The costume was hardly the most accurate, historically speaking, but Freed liked it. His torso was covered by a leather chest plate, complete with straps to hold it in place, a single metal shoulder guard, and a red cape that hung to his lower back. His modesty was protected by a tunic which ended above his knees. He had also adorned sandals that wrapped around his legs, and he'd forgone the helmet as it seemed unnecessary in the end. The look was completed with his sword that was attached to his hip, as normal.

"I forgot, you haven't seen any of our costumes, have you," Freed chuckled. "What do you think."

"It's…" Laxus seemed to pause for a moment. "Good. Really good- creative, I mean. You put a lot of effort into it."

"Thank you for noticing," Freed smiled. "Are you ready to go?"

"Give me a couple minutes to change," Laxus dismissed, and Freed frowned as Laxus retreated into his bedroom.

Laxus had been adamant that he wouldn't wear any costumes at all, because he wasn't into that kind of thing. It was what Freed had expected, and honestly he was happy that Laxus was willing to come at all. Laxus had been at the guild more often lately, and Freed felt that maybe his birthday party had helped with that. Perhaps it was nice to know that Laxus could get some time alone, gather his thoughts, but still be a part of the guild's events.

Freed sat on the sofa for a moment, having to adjust his position when he realised that his tunic had a tendency to ride up and show… everything. Better to know now than to make the mistake in the guild where his friends would be delighted to mock him for it.

Maybe he should allow for another anachronism and wear some boxers…

The door to Laxus' room opened, and Freed looked towards him immediately. A spluttering of laughter slipped out before Freed could stop it, and Laxus raised an eyebrow at him, amusement obvious in his face. He stepped forward, spread his arms to better reveal himself, and grinned.

"Just as good as yours, right?" He joked.

It wasn't as good as Freed's. Laxus' costume consisted of a fairly cheap red suit, a white shirt with ruffles of all things, and a pair of red devil horns. It was put together in a rush, had no detail given to it, and was perhaps to most delightful thing Freed had ever seen. One year ago, when Freed had been celebrating the holiday without Laxus, he wondered if the blonde might have scoffed at the Raijinshuu's new found fondness for Halloween. Now, Laxus had a smile that was almost goofy on his face, wearing a costume that he'd made for himself. Freed couldn't ask for more.

"It's certainly a costume," Freed smirked, and Laxus laughed.

"You know, I'm dressed as the devil," Laxus all but sauntered forward, a good look on the man. "And if you're a demon, that kind of makes me your king, right? And, as your king, surely you should show me some respect and kneel for me."

Rather than allow that comment to affect him – boxers really would have been a good idea – he immediately spoke again. "Say that to Mirajane and I'll pay your tab for a month."

"Nah, I like my organs on the inside," Laxus grinned, walking towards the front door.

"You know that the moment Bickslow and Ever seen that you're willing to wear a costume of any kind, they're going to drag you into our tradition whether you like it or not," Freed taunted as he closed the door and locked it behind him. "I'm afraid to say, Laxus, that this," He gestures to himself. "Is your future."

Laxus paused for a moment, then smiled a private smile.

"I can think of a lot of things worse than that, Freed."

---

New Year's Eve

Laxus Dreyar and Lucy Heartfilia were having a drinking contest.

It was perhaps the only thing that Freed had seen that might convince him that miracles were real. But there they were, two pints of beer in front of them both, drinking as if their lives depended on it. Even more ridiculous, Laxus had been the one instigate it. He'd brought the tray of drinks over, looked Lucy dead in the eye and claimed that, if she drank hers before he did his, then he'd pay for every drink she got for all of January.

Freed watched from above, smiling a little as he leant on the banister. As normal, he had spent the party with a glass of red, watching as his guildmates got drunker and drunker, making asses out of themselves for his amusement. It had been perfect, and he was delighted that Laxus seemed to be getting involved.

"Shit," Laxus cussed loudly when he placed his glass down. "Where the hell did you learn to drink like that?"

Lucy said something in return, but it was too quiet for Freed to hear. She had clearly won their wager, and Laxus seemed to be in good spirits despite the financial loss. They spoke for a little while longer before breaking apart, Lucy walking towards her team, Laxus looking around before spotting where Freed had decided to stay.

He took the stairs to the second floor two by two, grinning at Freed widely when he was face to face with him. He wasn't drunk – Freed had seen Laxus drunk before many times – but he was in high spirits. It was nice to see.

"Hey," Laxus greeted. "You still sticking up here, huh?"

"Best place to be," Freed shrugged, leaning on the banister when Laxus was beside him. "You can see everyone stumbling and falling, and there's no chance of one of them vomiting on you."

"You really know how to party, huh?" Laxus teased, and Freed chuckled.

For a moment, they watched over the guild. Their arms lightly grazed one another, and Freed found himself smiling a little. These moments hadn't happened before. Laxus hadn't ever allowed himself to slow down, to enjoy himself. Ever since Laxus had come back, he'd been more… contemplative. He allowed himself moments of calm and time to think, and Freed enjoyed sharing those times with him. Over the last year, he'd spent many hours in silent company with Laxus by his side, and those moments had become very dear to Freed.

"Was talking to Mira," Laxus spoke up again. "Said you made a promise to her, that you'd tell me something before the year ended."

"Did she?" Freed mumbled slightly. He would be having words with the interfering woman.

"She did," Laxus agreed, looking towards Freed with a soft expression. Freed kept his gaze on the guildhall below. "But, between the two of us, I don't think you should."

Freed froze. "You don't."

"Nah, I don't," Laxus agreed. "Because everything you wanna say to me I already know. Have for a while, but I've been too shit scared to deal with it. Not anymore, though."

"Is that so?" Freed asked, not conveying tone. Where was Laxus going with this?

"Yeah. Pushing away my feelings nearly fucking killed me, and it ain't gonna happen again. And the thing is, everything you were gonna say to me, I know I wanna say to you. But I don't think I've gotten to that point yet, so instead I'm gonna ask something of ya."

"Ask what of me?"

"I'm gonna ask you make a promise to me," Laxus stated. "I'm gonna ask that you promise that," he looked to the countdown clock above the door, "in forty nine seconds, you kiss me. I'm gonna ask that you promise to go to dinner with me tomorrow night as my date. I'm gonna ask you promise me you'll let me show you how much I fucking care about you, and how much I know I'm gonna love you the second I can," His voice wavered slightly. "Because I really-"

Freed cut him off, leaning up and cupping Laxus' cheek with his right hand. He leant forward, pressed their lips together and kissed Laxus for the very first time. Bells rang and fireworks exploded around them, but neither man cared. Freed melted into the kiss, and Laxus wrapped an arm around his waist to pull him closer.

"I promise," Freed whispered, before starting another incredible, explosive kiss.

[harostar]

How do you think of how AoT handles Anti Semitism, X Men fallacy aside. I've heard of how the reason the Eldians are so Hated was a result of reprehensible things there ancestors had done, and there religon with Ymir was sort of based on a Lie.

That would seem problematic at first glance, But I did want to learn more from someone who actually knew the series. Especially as I do know the situation in real life has complexities regarding Cycles of hate

You know, I had kind of set this Ask aside and been unsure about answering it. But I think I will give it a poke, as best as I can as someone that is one-degrees of separation from Jewish folks. So obvious disclaimer that I am approaching things from an outsider’s perspective.

The series stumbled heavily in choosing to so closely use allegories related to Nazi Germany and the Jewish people. I think a large percentage of the problem is because the Holocaust has become short-hand in public consciousness for Genocide and atrocities. Those images are scorched into the world-wide mind, and unfortunately touching on it as an allegory or using it as the basis for fictional discrimination is a very, very, very messy and difficult thing. ESPECIALLY when the creator(s) involved are not Jewish, and don’t understand the deeper aspects of Antisemitism that have been weaved into Western culture for centuries. 

Isayama borrowed from European history, used a historical atrocity to create a comparison in his work. He.......made many mistakes in doing so, because it’s a messy thing to do even when you ARE familiar with how much that hatred is woven into a lot of European imagery, stories, and beliefs. A Japanese audience is probably not going to pick up on those elements, the way a Western reader might for better or worse. 

I think that decision has muddled and tainted a lot of discussion around the series. Some people outright call it “Nazi Propaganda” and refuse to associate with people that read the series. I would argue that we are the audience have a lot of digest and discussion in terms of how the “Eldian Allegory” plays in comparison to the other themes of the work. 

Because the series would have worked MUCH BETTER had he not made the decision to base his fictional ethnic group on a real one. It was a mistake that casts doubt on a work that focuses so much on themes so opposed to a “Nazi” or “Fascist” ideology.

The atrocities of the Eldian Empire simply being exaggerations and demonizing, not matching a simple history of neighboring groups/nations fighting each other for resources and land. The idea of Ymir as a Goddess or a witch that made a deal with the Devil both being false versions of what was simply....a girl. An ordinary girl that stumbled across something Otherworldly, and gained a power that was exploited. 

The history of the series is simply about one group gaining an advantage over their neighbors. The Titans served as numerous metaphors throughout the series:

Dehumanization, especially in times of war

Gunpowder 

Chemical weapons

Nuclear weapons

The largest theme that emerges particularly in the final arcs of the story are explicitly Anti-War, Anti-Imperialism, Anti-Militarism, and Pro-Humanitarian.

Hatred and Bigotry are learned, they are things that people actively have to teach their children. The most powerful counter to Hatred is simply meeting other people. Our shared humanity proves that we are more similar than we are different. 

(This is beautifully illustrated in a flashback, in which the Survey Corps are infiltrating Marley. They end up meeting a group of foreign refugees, who welcome them into their camp for helping a child. Though the two groups do not speak the same language, they are able to understand each other enough to share in a communal meal and then party the night away. Even when we come from vastly different cultures and don’t speak the same language, we can find common ground. There is a simple joy in how people are people are people, no matter what differences we might have.)

In terms of the problematic elements, I would argue that Isayama did not intend anything Antisemitism about his work. In particular, he frames the allegorical Eldians as sympathetic with most of the cast coming from this group. The story centers on their plight and spends the most time in humanizing them. Ignorance rather than Malice. It taints the work, but also clashes with the major themes of the story. 

Indeed, our common humanity is such an important theme. Hatred and Revenge are empty, only leading to further tragedy. Eren represents those emotions and urges taken to the extreme, and that is ultimately why he becomes the Final Villain of the series. Because he allows hatred to consume him, and loses hope in the world. He can only see “Us vs Them”, and cannot see a path forward that does not involve Genocide. It’s a tragedy that warns us about letting anger consume us, and the dangers of surrendering ourselves to Violence being unavoidable. Eren can see the Future, and therefore he is trapped with the belief that there are no other paths forward. That he must follow in the footsteps of his future self, no matter what. 

It’s an ugly, tragic turn that transforms the series protagonist into a Monster. Into a world-ending monster that his loved ones must now deal with, because they have learned the lessons he did not.

The thing that separates the heroes in this story is Hope, but also a willingness to recognize the futility of revenge and hatred. As the final arcs progress, they are increasingly confronted with the option to look away from atrocities or to take revenge on people. Increasingly, they choose to take a different path.

The story of Sasha and Gabi is central in this particular theme. Sasha kills soldiers that Gabi knew, and attacked her home. But she cannot bring herself to shoot a child, even one that is clearly an enemy. Gabi is a child indoctrinated into Nationalistic, bigoted views. She kills Sasha as an enemy, but then finds her world turned on its head when she accidentally meets Sasha’s family. She’s forced to confront the reality that there are no Monsters and Devils, just ordinary people just like her that have suffered tragedies because of war. 

When given the opportunity for revenge, Sasha’s father refuses. He gives the “Forest” speech, comparing his daughter’s decision to become a soldier in war to letting her go alone into the forest. He accepts her decision and the tragic outcome, but also HIS responsibility as an adult to not pass burdens of Hatred and Revenge on to the next generation. He will not punish Gabi for being a child caught up in war. 

And this becomes an important moment for Gabi and for everyone else. She is not FORGIVEN for her crime, but these people make the conscious choice to spare her. Mikasa shields her from harm, Jean regrets hurting her in anger, they all make the choice to treat Gabi as a CHILD and not a soldier. To recognize their responsibility in doing better than the adults responsible for them. They were Child Soldiers, but they make the choice that the next generation SHOULD NOT be soldiers. 

The series deals heavily in Trauma, especially the ways that War destroys people. The physical, mental, and emotional cost to people are heavily on display throughout the series. The cast have suffered emotional and mental injuries that will never heal, and they struggle with wanting a better world for the next generation.

Children are another big theme. We have the cast start out as children, becoming Child Soldiers, and eventually reaching Adulthood. As they become the adults, we have a new generation introduced in Gabi, Falco, Udo, Sofia, and Kaya. The series gets a little heavy-handed with how Children are the Future, and people have a responsibility to not burden them. To not force their sins upon the children, to not teach them hatred or revenge, to not use them as tools. 

Zeke’s storyline contrasts with Eren’s in that each brother has reached a different conclusion about the central problem. 

Zeke wants to snuff out their own future, preventing more Eldians from being born. Their lives are suffering, so the kindest thing that can be done is to kill them or prevent them from being born. Life is meaningless, because living means suffering. 

Eren takes his hatred to its most extreme, deciding that to protect his “In Group” (the Island of Paradis) that he will destroy everything else. He has taken Dehumanization and Us vs Them mentality to its greatest extreme. He sees no future where people can do better. He refuses to even let them try. He has no hope, he sees only ugliness in the world.

In contrast, we have what has become the alliance. The surviving members of the Survey Corps, the surviving members of the Warriors, and an assortment of people from other nations. A motley group of people of different backgrounds, races and political alliances that are all brought together by a singular belief that the world is worth saving. That it shouldn’t be a Zero Sum game.

That the world is very cruel, but also very beautiful.

Hatred, cruelty, selfishness, greed, militarism, nationalism, imperialism, racism, and bigotry have led the world towards possible destruction. The Rumbling as a metaphor for Nuclear War, humanity destroying itself because it cannot look for a path besides violence.

The pure Destructive urge that is Eren, contrasted against the other two parts of that Golden Trio. 

Mikasa, the girl that was saved by a single act of kindness. The strongest of all, but also so very kind. A girl that has seen the ugliness of the world, but also the goodness in it. 

Armin, the boy with a dream. The intellectual that once asked if it was necessary to abandon your humanity to win, but has realized that our shared humanity is more important. The one filled with hope, even in the darkest moments.

And of course into this, we have Falco Grice. The boy that embodies the central themes of the story: a child soldier that has seen the worst of humanity, and has decided the best way to fight is by being Kind. 

[kurowrites]

The Live-In Boyfriend - Chapter 10: Lullaby for Wei Ying

Wei Ying knew Lan Zhan well enough by now that he also knew about certain peculiarities that he had. Not that these peculiarities detracted anything from Lan Zhan’s general… everything. On the contrary, these little peculiarities added something to him that made him irresistible.

One thing Wei Ying found interesting, for example, was that it was quite difficult to get Lan Zhan into a relaxed mood. He was generally a calm and controlled person, and even when they had sex and Lan Zhan showed a rather wild side of himself, Wei Ying would never be able to describe that as uncontrolled. Whatever Lan Zhan did, he did it with a certain intent and gravity. However, once he reached a certain state of relaxation, Lan Zhan turned out to not only be remarkably agreeable, but also playful. He would even indulge any of Wei Ying’s stupid questions.

The only difficulty was, of course, to get him there.

So when they were in the living room one day, with Wei Ying lazily lounging on the sofa while Lan Zhan was reading something, Wei Ying felt that his chance had come. Lan Zhan was sitting with Wei Ying’s head in his lap, and he was absentmindedly petting Wei Ying’s hair, a sense of ease around him that could only come from the fact that he was completely on break right now, physically as well as mentally. Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was just in the right mood to bear a little teasing from him.

“Say, Lan Zhan,” he said aloud.

Lan Zhan made a soft noise to signal that he was listening, and kept stroking Wei Ying’s hair.

“What’s your favourite animal?”

Lan Zhan stopped his movements for a moment and looked down at Wei Ying, probably trying to gauge the meaning of this sudden question. After a moment, he turned back to his book and put his hand back into Wei Ying’s hair. (Wei Ying wasn’t going to lie: he loved being petted by Lan Zhan, so that was a definite plus.)

“Rabbits,” he eventually replied.

That… that was a surprisingly cute choice, Wei Ying thought a little stunned. He didn’t quite know what he had expected Lan Zhan to answer, but rabbits definitely hadn’t been on the top of his list.

The thought of Lan Zhan and rabbits was a little incongruous, but after a moment of consideration… it was also very cute. Lan Zhan and a fluffy bunny. He was always such a careful person, so he would probably gently take the bunny, put it on his lap, and then stroke him with controlled, slow movements until the rabbit would fall asleep from all that careful petting. He could see it in his imagination. Well, that was something he definitely wanted to see in real life. Lan Zhan and bunnies.

“Wise choice,” he said aloud. “They are rather delicious.”

Lan Zhan sent him a stern look, one that clearly threatened the withholding of any more pettings unless Wei Ying took those words back.

“I’m joking, I’m joking!” Wei Ying exclaimed, quick to reassure Lan Zhan even as he was laughing. “I’m obviously joking. No eating the rabbits that Lan Zhan likes so much, I promise.”

That seemed to mollify Lan Zhan somewhat, and he thankfully didn’t remove his wonderful hand from Wei Ying’s hair.

“Wei Ying?”

“Huh?”

“What is Wei Ying’s favourite?” Lan Zhan repeated the question.

“Oh.” Wei Ying considered the question for a moment. “I don’t really think I have one that I prefer over all the others. I mean, rabbits are very cute, but so are cats and some birds and alpacas, and red pandas, and… well, I can tell you what I definitely don’t like: I hate dogs. I hope you will understand that this apartment is and forever will be a dog-free zone as long as I live here.”

“Why?”

Wei Ying looked up at Lan Zhan and found him looking back.

“What do you mean, why?”

“Many people like dogs. Many people own dogs. So, why.”

Wei Ying sighed heavily. “So you want me to confess my uncoolness? Fine. I got maimed by a dog once, and I don’t trust them not to try that a second time. Ergo, no dogs.”

Lan Zhan made a noise that might have been agreement or consideration, Wei Ying wasn’t entirely sure. But he didn’t ask about how Wei Ying had ended up in between the jaws of a dog, and Wei Ying was honestly glad that he didn’t. He hated even thinking about it, much less talking about it.

Instead, Lan Zhan declared, “No dogs. We can have rabbits instead. They are much better.”

“Haha, are you planning on getting a pet now?” Wei Ying teased. “You already have me! You should pay attention to me!”

He playfully pouted at Lan Zhan. It wasn’t entirely inaccurate, too. After all, he kind of was Lan Zhan’s pet. At least, Lan Zhan took care of him, and gave him food and everything else he needed to live. So really, Lan Zhan was kind of keeping him. Not that Wei Ying minded that. After all, Lan Zhan had saved him from homelessness. And without knowing it, too.

He wriggled around until he could sit up and placed himself in Lan Zhan’s lap, wrapping his arms around Lan Zhan’s wonderful, strong shoulders.

“You’re not planning to replace me with a few fluffy rabbits, are you?” he asked, still fake-pouting.

“No,” Lan Zhan replied gravely. “Not replacing Wei Ying. I have always wanted to keep rabbits.”

That was, again, unexpectedly cute. But then again, a lot of things about Lan Zhan were unexpectedly cute. Like the way he frowned when he tuned his guqin and one of the strings wasn’t quite right. Or how hopeful and expectant he looked whenever he came through the door of the apartment and Wei Ying ran to the door to welcome him back with a kiss. The way he always made sure that Wei Ying was eating properly, and pushed food onto his plate when he thought he wasn’t.

“Hmmm, okay,” Wei Ying decided. “Lan Zhan should have all the bunnies he wants. And if they are too many, I can make rabbit stew.”

He laughed at Lan Zhan’s frowny face, and climbed off of Lan Zhan’s lap to go to the kitchen and prepare some conciliatory tea.

That was another thing that made Lan Zhan unbearably cute. Give frowny him some good, fresh tea, and all seemed to be forgiven. It made Wei Ying want to tease him even more.

---

A little while after Wei Ying’s first official family appearance as Lan Zhan’s boyfriend, Lan Zhan announced that he was required to attend an event at university and hoped that Wei Ying would be able to accompany him. Wei Ying was quick to say yes, not just because it was his job, but also because he was kind of curious to see Lan Zhan in a professional setting.

He felt that Lan Zhan must be well-respected among his peers, but then, it was difficult to imagine that anyone wouldn’t respect Lan Zhan. He was very respectable. The respectable-est. So, Wei Ying was curious to see how his colleagues actually acted around him.

Which was how Wei Ying found himself in another suit made by Bai Jun, and took the metro to Gusu University to meet up with Lan Zhan after Lan Zhan had finished work at 5 pm. Since Lan Zhan always walked around in an impeccable suit when he was at work, he didn’t really need to change clothes, but Wei Ying brought him a different tie to wear, anyway.

He thought it would be a nice gesture.

I he was honest, he would have to admit that he felt a little nervous about meeting Lan Zhan’s colleagues. He felt the need to make a good impression, not for his own sake, but for Lan Zhan’s. If Lan Zhan was as respected as Wei Ying guessed he was, Wei Ying didn’t want to be the reason for criticism.

Lan Zhan himself seemed entirely unconcerned about such a thing, though. He simply took the offered tie with a word of thanks, changed it with his work tie, and then steered Wei Ying towards one of the central buildings on campus where the event was supposed to take place.

When they arrived, quite a few people were there already, milling about in a tastefully decorated hall Wei Ying had never been in when he had studied here. Dispersed among the crowd were servers carrying around large trays filled with drinks and small appetizers.

While Lan Zhan went for his usual water, he made sure to get Wei Ying a very good glass of red wine, and then navigated him through the crowd towards where Lan Huan was already talking to several elderly gentlemen.

Lan Huan smiled at them as he caught sight of their approaching forms.

“It is good to see you again, Wei Ying,” he told Wei Ying in welcome before he introduced him to the men he had been talking to (and whose names and function Wei Ying forgot as soon as he had been told).

That was more or less how the evening progressed. All kinds of people came up to Lan Zhan and talked to him for a few minutes, and Lan Zhan introduced Wei Ying to those he apparently deemed worthy of such an introduction. He made sure that Wei Ying was well-supplied with snack and drinks, and occasionally kept him entertained during (usually very boring) speeches that were apparently thought necessary.

“Is it always like this?” Wei Ying asked quietly after an hour or so. “I’m starting to see why you don’t want to go alone to these events.”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan agreed. “Occasionally there are guests that are worth the conversation.”

“Aiyoo,” Wei Ying cried and laughed. “What a harsh assessment, Lan Zhan! Now I hope I am considered to be worth the conversation.”

“Wei Ying is always worth the conversation,” Lan Zhan declared, and well.

That was that, apparently.

And Wei Ying definitely wasn’t blushing at that comment.

---

Wei Ying had to use the restroom once after indulging in the good wine that was served here, so he got separated from Lan Zhan for a little while. As he was making his way back to Lan Zhan, he happened to come across several people who were gossiping loudly – gossiping loudly, that was, about no one other than him.

“I can’t understand how someone from the Lan family can find it acceptable to date someone like that. Just look at the hair! And the way he keeps sticking to Lan Zhan. So unrefined! Completely unfitting for someone like Lan Zhan.”

“Well, there’s probably an easy explanation for that – he probably has certain abilities that Lan Zhan approves of.”

Several people in the group laughed.

“I think what you’re trying to say it that he’s a slut and good at spreading his legs.”

That opinion was followed with more laughter.

Wei Ying was trying hard not to pay the talk any mind, since he knew very well that it was ridiculous to be bothered by things like that. There was bound to be gossip. Lan Zhan had been open about his homosexuality for years now, that much Wei Ying new from the newspaper articles he had read, but he had never openly dated anyone. The sudden appearance of a boyfriend was certainly going to catch the attention of idle gossips like these.

What hurt him a little was that he couldn’t exactly deny what they had said. Compared to Lan Zhan, he was uneducated, and honestly, he was pretty good when it came to spreading his legs. At least where Lan Zhan was concerned. Not that this was a problem. Almost anyone so inclined would be ready to enthusiastically spread their legs when it came to Lan Zhan, really. The thing was, he wasn’t Lan Zhan’s real boyfriend, and therefore certainly wasn’t together with him just for the sake of being together with him. They had an agreement that involved money. And that didn’t really make him look like the morally superior person here.  

All in all, it wasn’t worth to get upset over it, he decided. What was between them was between them, Wei Ying and Lan Zhan, and no one else.

He passed the group of gossipers with his head held high, and delighted in the way Lan Zhan turned around as soon as Wei Ying was in his vicinity, offering him his arm with practiced ease.

Sure, the gossips might think him a slut and a boor. They would probably call him a whore too if they knew about his arrangement with Lan Zhan. But it was still him that Lan Zhan had chosen, and not any of them. And it was him that Lan Zhan would go home with tonight. So really, who was the winner here?

He smiled up at Lan Zhan and carefully didn’t tell him what he’d just heard.

He tried to forget about the gossips, but the gossips were unable to forget about him, it seemed. It didn’t take very long until one of the gossipers that Wei Ying had seen earlier approached them.

He didn’t make a particularly mean impression, purely judging from his appearance. He was good-looking in a rather bland way, his most striking feature being that nothing about him was particularly striking, and that there was a certain roundness about him that softened his expressions. The man started to talk to Lan Zhan, but Wei Ying wasn’t particularly intent on making his acquaintance, so he mostly nodded politely as they were introduced, and then tuned the conversation out as soon as he wasn’t spoken to directly.

He returned to actually listening when the topic of conversation once again turned to him.

“We were all rather surprised, Professor Lan, when you brought someone with you tonight. We didn’t know you were taken.”

Wei Ying tried hard not to read anything malicious into that comment, but the urge to make a sharp comeback was strong.

Lan Zhan, on the other hand, was slow in this reply. He looked at the other man for several long moments and made him squirm in discomfort, before he finally deigned to reply.

“I wanted to make sure that this relationship is steady, and that Wei Ying is comfortable, before I introduce him,” he said.

Wei Ying tried to suppress a grin. He didn’t know if Lan Zhan had somehow managed to divine the bad intent behind the speaker’s words, but leave it to him to say just as much, if not more, in one single sentence. He hadn’t just suggested that this relationship had been going on for a while now, he had also asserted that they were both serious about it and that Lan Zhan was a doting boyfriend who took care of his lover properly.

That had to sting, particularly after everything the gossips had been saying. Not that it mattered. But it still felt very satisfying, as it always did when Lan Zhan demonstrated that he cared about Wei Ying’s wellbeing.

“I-” the other man stuttered, apparently a little disconcerted by Lan Zhan’s straightforward answer. “I see, that is very lovely. You make a good couple.”

Liar, Wei Ying thought.

He suddenly saw it with perfect clarity. This man wanted to stand next to Lan Zhan exactly the way Wei Ying was doing it right now.

Honestly, the sentiment wasn’t particularly surprising. He’d thought about it before. After all, Lan Zhan was an eligible bachelor, with an excellent pedigree, and a powerful family backing him. His brother was the director of the university. His uncle was the major. Merely on that account, many would consider Lan Zhan a desirable match. But he was also beautiful, intelligent, disciplined, and skilled in many things. He was quiet, but willing to listen and help if needed. If he weren’t openly gay, women probably wouldn’t leave him alone. As it was, there were enough men who hoped for a chance with the incomparable Lan Zhan. And this one was certainly one of them.

What a pity for him that Lan Zhan had absolutely no interest in him, and that Wei Ying was already in that place he coveted so much. It was too bad, really, but Wei Ying couldn’t really feel any compassion after he had been described as a slut who only knew how to spread his legs for Lan Zhan. 

“Lan Zhan is a very caring partner,” he said out loud, smiling up at Lan Zhan innocently. “I was very lucky to meet and fall in love with him.”

The man looked like he was ready to bite off his own tongue, but he eventually just nodded and smiled politely.

Good riddance, Wei Ying thought uncharitably once he finally left. And don’t you come back.

Despite that little incident, the evening turned out pleasant, with most guests being much better behaved than the troupe of gossips. Still, once Lan Zhan finally called it a night and drove them back to the apartment, Wei Ying felt tired. He had never been much of a schmoozer, and these few hours had been more than enough. He was looking forward to returning home and having Lan Zhan all for himself, now.

Still, though. He couldn’t quite forget the label that the gossip circle had christened him with.

Slut.

The word didn’t hurt him so much as that it made him wonder what exactly they were doing here. When did Lan Zhan plan to break up with him? And was it okay to continue like that until then? He knew that they had started this relationship with a simple deal that would benefit them both, but the longer they had been together, the more Wei Ying had started to believe that Lan Zhan deserved actual happiness. Of course, Lan Zhan had told him in the beginning that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Wei Ying still thought that Lan Zhan deserved everything. More than the fake relationship he was acting out with Wei Ying. More than pretending to be in love. An actual boyfriend, who would always love him. Not Wei Ying, and whatever Wei Ying was.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan asked as he parked the car in the parking garage of their apartment. “Is everything alright?”

Wei Ying smiled at him, careful to make it a little tired. “Yes, sorry, I’m just tired. I haven’t been around this many people for a while now. Will you play me something before we sleep? I want to wind down a little before I go to sleep.”

The request for music seemed to allay Lan Zhan’s worries.

“Hn,” he readily agreed, and put his arm around Wei Ying to guide him to the elevator. “Lullaby for Wei Ying.”

There was a tiny uptick at the corner of his mouth, and Wei Ying realised that he was being teased.

With his surprised laughter resonating in the parking garage, the doors of the elevator closed quietly, and carried them up to their home.

[ceruleanwhore]

First of all, Zuko didn’t betray anyone other than Iroh at Ba Sing Se, including Katara. Their unspoken agreement was that she would heal him and, then, in return, he would turn and help them or whatever. However, she chose to not uphold her end even though she could have. Little Miss “I will never, ever turn my back on people who need me” did exactly that when Aang burst through that wall, even though she very easily could’ve just not done that. She actually went and turned her back on someone who needed her and then had the audacity to blame him for it.

The other part of this, though, is that what she expected of him was ridiculously unreasonable. She really was out there trying to claim that he should’ve thrown away his family, home, crown, and entire country just because she wanted him to, even after she fucked him over. Had she actually healed his scar, it would’ve been a much more reasonable expectation since that would effectively stand in for the closure he got from going home. 

Also, she’s always going on about trust. The whole time she’s talking about betrayal, it’s about how he betrayed her trust and she says things like that “[She] was the first person to trust [him]... Back in Ba Sing Se.” The issue here is that, in that scene with Zuko in the catacombs, there was absolutely no cause or reason for her to have to trust him. Putting aside differences, meeting in the middle, and getting along with someone you normally hate doesn’t require trust. Offering to do something nice for someone, even if it’s a big thing, doesn’t require trust, especially when you never even actually follow through and do that thing. On the other hand, if anyone had cause for trusting someone in that situation, it was Zuko. He had to have trusted her word, trusted her to heal his scar, and him allowing her to touch his scar was, from what I can tell, a significant sign of trust. I think it’s safe to say that he trusted her but she had no reason to trust him in return, yet she’s out here claiming that she did and that he somehow broke her trust.

Now, there has to be a reason as to why she’s as upset as she is and feeling like he betrayed her. My theory is that, with her, it wasn’t trust but, rather, something different, messier, that she didn’t want to deal with and labeled as “trust” because it was just easier. As I’ve pointed out before, there are clear parallels between her experiences with Jet and those that she had with Zuko. Like with Jet, she felt that Zuko betrayed her at Ba Sing Se and then, later, he went on to resurface and completely redeem himself, just to go ahead and almost die right in front of her, like Jet. 

The only other component is the crush Katara had on Jet. If we’re continuing with this parallel, then that would indicate that, in the catacombs, Katara caught some feelings. Even if that was subconscious, her automatic response, when he sided with Azula, would be to shove it down and label it as something else. Also, that would further explain her behavior towards him when he joined the group in season three- she would be summoning every last bit of rage and hatred she ever had for him as a defence mechanism so that, if he really did redeem himself just to go die like Jet did, she wouldn’t be close and it wouldn’t hurt. It would also mean that, when she has all those unreasonable expectations for Zuko after she chooses not to follow through and heal him, it could, at least somewhat, be because she wants him to throw away everything for her and join her because, then, it would validate those feelings enough for her to at least be able to acknowledge them for what they are.

On Zuko’s end, I think there was a combination of extreme guilt about betraying his uncle that Katara potentially got lumped into, the immense betrayal that he must have felt when Katara turned her back on him, and how he probably felt like he owed her just for how she offered to help him. Mainly, just as much as Katara was projecting her anger about her mother’s death and Aang almost dying onto him, Zuko was probably projecting all of his guilt onto her about betraying his uncle and everything with Mai. I think that Katara became the one he needed to forgive him because if he succeeded in earning her forgiveness, that would prove, to him, that he was not beyond redemption and could still be forgiven by others, like Iroh and even Li.

However, it was more than that. Once he’d been accepted and was teaching Aang fire bending, that could have been enough, because the boy he’d been hunting this whole time, who once said he thought they could be friends, had forgiven him, along with everyone else. Instead, he let Katara use him as a punching bag for so long, taught Aang fire bending, and literally broke her father out of prison and, when, after all of that, she still hated him, he listened to her when she ranted at him, went to Sokka to learn more, and straight up helped her track down the guy who killed her mother and get closure. He genuinely cared about her opinion of him and that was a big part of why he put up with so much from her.

[tvandenneagram]

Hi! I was wondering if you are planning on ever typing The 100 characters

Hi, Anon

We’ve been asked for The 100 a few times, so we’ve decided to a quick-typings of the characters. We’ve only seen some of the early seasons and  read a bit about their characters and personality, so we’ve tried to do the best we can with what we know.

NOTE: We will be doing some of the other characters in another post, this is Part 1.

Clarke Griffin: 1w2

Clarke is principled, responsible and self-sacrificing. Clarke has shown time and time again that she believes in saving everybody. She has a strong belief in the greater good and wants to do the ‘right thing.’ Clarke usually thinks before acting, but has been shown to act impulsively in certain situations. Sometimes her moral compass can make her make decisions based on absolutes that can lead to extreme consequences.

Clarke is very idealistic and tries to avoid hurting others if she can. For example, she stops the other Delinquents from killing Anya (their enemy) because it isn’t necessary. However, she does sometimes torture others, especially if she feels it is a necessary evil or if she is persuaded by Bellamy.

1s can become jaded and selfish when they are in the unhealthy levels, which we see with Clarke. After the aftermath of the Second Nuclear Apocalypse, Clarke becomes singularly interested in protecting Madi. Clarke begins to lose her own humanity and begins acting in self-interest, rather than for the greater good. Clarke shows her wing 2 as she is more people-oriented and emotional than a 1w9 would be.

Quotes

“This isn’t about saving my people. It’s about saving the human race.”

“I bear it, so they don't have too.”

"While we're on the subject, why is it that everyone thinks me wanting Jasper to not die is a bad thing? Like I'm such a downer. I can be fun."

“I tried... I tried to be the good guy.”

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?”

Lexa: cp6w5

This may be a bit of a controversial take on Lexa’s type, as I’ve seen her typed as both an 8 and a 1. However, I think Lexa’s main motivations are to fulfil her duties as Heda and to keep her people safe. Lexa is a very strong and fierce leader, but I think she has to take on these traits to gain respect from her people. 6s and 8s both have a real emphasis on ‘survival’ which is really prominent in Lexa’s character.

Lexa is protective, dutiful, strong and loyal. She is a fierce leader that isn’t afraid to go against the traditions of her people for peace. Lexa doesn’t like hurting people and when she is forced to punish people, she tries to choose the most human punishment. She doesn’t use her power for her own interests or vengeance, as she only punishes people to gain justice for her people. Lexa also doesn’t like conflict and is seen as trying to bring peace to the factions, despite the wishes of those around her.

Lexa was not always closed-off to love and did not always believe love is a weakness. This is due to her relationship with Costia as she blames herself for her death because she couldn’t keep her safe. Hence, Lexa emotionally closes herself off from love under the guise of it being a weakness. This changes when she meets Clarke as she begins to let her guard down a little bit more and allows herself to be vulnerable with Clarke. In her relationship with Clarke, Lexa realises that she is worthy of love and that it is not a vulnerability. Lexa has a wing 5 as she is more emotionally reserved and introverted than a wing 7 would be.

Quotes

"My mistakes? Azgeda cut off Costia's head and delivered it to my bed, and still I let them into my alliance! I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty!"

“I know how hard that is for you. You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive.”

“Blood must have blood.”

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice.”

“Some on my side say that's not enough. They wanted the murderer to suffer as our tradition demands. But they do not know that your suffering will be worse. What you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days.”

Bellamy Blake: cp6w7

Bellamy is protective, assertive and responsible. Due to his childhood and his relationship with Octavia, Bellamy has always had a focus on seeking safety for himself and his family. Bellamy has a take-charge attitude and isn’t above bending the rules to survive. He is also very loyal to those he loves, and will go to great lengths to protect and help them.

As leader, Bellamy becomes controlling and begins acting in self-interest, rather than for the people. However, he realises his actions are wrong and does feel guilt over the consequences of his actions. Bellamy also did help the Delinquents survive and adapt to the conditions.

Bellamy seems to want to find meaning and something to believe in, which is common for 6s. For example, he accepts the simplistic view that the Sky People are the ‘good guys’ and the Grounder are the ‘bad guys.’ Likewise, after being trapped in Etheria, he becomes very loyal to the Disciple’s cause. This can happen to 6s when they are in the unhealthy levels, as they begin to develop an ‘us against them’ mentality and become obsessed with belief systems. Bellamy shows his wing 7 as he is more expressive than a wing 5.

Quotes

“Who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things.”

“I was so angry at you for leaving. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”

"We all have things to answer for things that shouldn't be forgiven but are. because we did them for our people -- our family."

“I’m not leaving my friends! I can’t do that again.”

“Fears are fears. Slay your demons when you’re awake, they won’t be there to get you in your sleep.”

Raven Reyes: 5w6

Raven was a bit hard to type as she has traits of 1, 5, 6 and 8. I was mostly between 1w9 and 5w6 as she is very concerned with doing the right thing. However, I settled on 5w6 as I think she is more motivated by gaining knowledge so she can be a useful member of the Delinquents.

Raven is intelligent, resourceful and judgmental. Raven is a very useful member of the Delinquents due to her strong intellect. She is also very tough and will not hesitate to do what needs to be done. Sometimes, Raven can be a bit unemotional and seems to use her wit and sarcasm as a defence mechanism. However, as the series progresses we can see the emotional toll her actions has taken on her. 

5s are able to separate their emotions and fears from the task at hand, which we see with Raven. Raven is very mentally strong and is able to overcome many setbacks. She is also not afraid to speak her mind, especially if she thinks she knows more than the others. Raven shows her wing 6 as she is more practical and person-oriented than a 5w4.

Quotes

"It's not your blood that defines you. It's your heart."

"I can barely walk, and my shoulder's killing me. But, my brain is all kind of awesome."

"Well, my mom was AWOL most of my life. When she did show up, it was empty-handed. Pretty sure she had me just to trade in my rations for moonshine."

"Everywhere you go, death follows. You always want to save everyone. What you don't realize is you're the one we need saving from."

[sanktagenyas]

alrighty so i guess coherent thoughts about this book might be a very generous estimate of what i’m about to write here but i’ll write down my thoughts anyway ‘cause i wanna share and possibly hear yours like for real interactions with my posts are not just welcomed they’re encouraged.

ok so to start our protagonists are alina and mal and our antagonist is the darkling and i pretty much related to alina right away because i love a hero with insecurities and doubts, i love an underdog so of course i was always meant to fall in love with alina starkov on sight. now the darkling... should be that i and everyone else would be beyond tired of the dark, tall, handsome and mysterious/scary men in fiction especially when they whisk our hero away for even more mysterious and/or nefarious purposes that they leave them completely in the dark about BUT the charisma fucking jump off of the pages i don’t know what else to tell you. and i am deeply intrigued about him and his backstory and also him and how he feels about our protagonist because when you catch the attention of a centuries old immortal being that says something about you but it says more about said immortal imo.

we come to learn that the darkling is beyond ruthless and yet he still a capacity for love after all this time even if it’s quite out of use to say the least. and just the fact that out of the thousands of people who have crossed his path there’s this one girl he saw and he was like well look at that someone who’s not unremarkable for once. and i know that’s not exactly a romantic sentiment but that’s how it starts, folks.

but anyway to cap my little ramble here despite the fact that i’ve seen that kind of villain before i do still really love the darkling. i like that we don’t have all the facts yet about what led him to become who he is so there’s just the right amount of mystery around him to keep you wanting to discover more and he is just human enough that he is not this caricature monstrous villainous figure (alina would beg to differ but i don’t listen to what alina yells at people when she’s angry)

now onto mal. i’m trying to word this in a way that doesn’t make me come off as a raging anti because the truth is that would require me to be invested in mal enough to hate him and as of now i’m just not. with book one being told entirely in alina’s perspective it’s pretty in your face that we should care about mal. our hero loves him and we want her to be happy, right? plus we really shouldn’t ship her with the villain there are so many wrong aspects about that dynamic just to name one aspect the deceit and the lies. the foundation of darklina is so fucked we should not ship it, right? well see that’s where i would argue that my biggest issue with darklina as a ship is the darkling in the final act all but saying fuck alina’s agency i’m going to make her my puppet for eternity not because that is necessary to accomplish my plan but because i’m jealous and resentful that she left me behind and didn’t embrace my plans for ravka and therefore embrace me.

and you might think wait i’ve lost the plot we were talking about mal and now we’re talking about darklina and the darkling but rewind back a little i said my issue with darklina in the final act of the book is the darkling pissing all over alina’s agency. and he might do that in more extreme ways than mal but mal certainly does seem to view alina as property at times and that implies him not respecting her agency. i could point to the fact that saying “don’t tell me we don’t belong together” is only framed as romantic statement because it comes out of the mouth of one of our protagonists and not our antagonist but that’s a cheap shot, it’s easy. instead i’ll echo my thoughts i shared about that malina reunion in chapter fourteen. mal was not one bit concerned about alina there and even though he says later on that not one hour was spent not thinking about her and wondering about her wellbeing all that flies out of the window the second he sees her with the darkling during the fete and here’s the thing if he had caught them mid makeout session i could understand him letting jealousy completely overtake him to the point that he doesn’t ask if she’s ok or how she’s been treated here and just assumes based on appearances (let’s not forget before she unlocked her powers alina was well and truly miserable regardless of the luxury afforded to her by her new grisha status so appearances don’t mean shit malyen) that she must be hunky dory and then tiptoes the line around slutshaming her but definitely crosses the line over into making her feel like shit for circumstances beyond her control territory and all that over seeing her do magic trickery at a party with another guy. 

alina is allowed to be attracted to another man, she’s allowed to have feelings for another man. they’re both guilty of miscommunication as they obviously both feel the same way about each other but alina has the decency to keep her jealousy to herself and not have outbursts about mal getting close to other girls like she owns his ass or something. that put me off and then i was hoping there would be a talk that would clarify things and he would apologize and that happened but it also came with the revelation that mal was upset to see her happy with the darkling. so he’d rather see the woman he loves miserable and alone rather than happy and belonging? and that’s the romantic lead i’m meant to be fawning over? i’m just not seeing it right now and that’s why even as he so generously offers her absolution (idk if you can read my sarcasm but just to be clear it’s sarcasm) for having loved the darkling and tells her he loves all of her even the part that loved the darkling i’m like..... i don’t believe you boy.

i guess in summary my thoughts about mal as a love interest is i need some consistency you cannot have him throw a jealous fit over seeing alina standing with another man (that’s literally all they were doing for real) and looking happy about it and then have him be like i don’t care i love you anyway. you cannot have him act as though he owns alina and in the same breath throw in her face that the darkling owns her (i hate this foreshadowing thank you very much) and you cannot have him get cold or angry at so much of a mention of a life she might have that doesn’t include him and then expect me to believe he’s made peace with her having feelings for more than just him. he’s not even able to accept a scenario where she goes off and does shit that doesn’t involve him as he shows no interest in her life in the little palace for the longest time. meanwhile you can literally read all about alina wondering what happened to him and what he went through trying to get to her. and for the love of saints i would love it if alina would stop acting like she needs to be forgiven for these feelings i absolutely get that she feels conned and ashamed about it but you do not need to ask anyone for absolution for falling someone who made you feel seen for the first time in your life. fuck that noise.

i just know trust issues are gonna arise and i know he doesn’t feel that way truly. if alina turned around and at some point decided to show mercy to the darkling mal wouldn’t understand or accept it and i’d fully expect a guilt trip to ensue.

now that’s my thoughts on mal as a romantic lead and that’s about the biggest aspect of him we’re focusing on but i do think he is a brave man who genuinely cared for his friends and genuinely cares for alina as that whole journey to hunt morozova’s herd definitely proved. he loves her i don’t doubt that but one grand gesture doesn’t excuse the way he treats her earlier in the books is my point and as been pointed out by others i don’t like how much alina relies on him even when he isn’t here. her refusal to let go of him was directly affecting her happiness and overall health as she couldn’t come into her powers before she thought he was lost to her. if i’m not liking who the hero becomes when she’s with the love interest it’s a big indicator i’m not gonna love said love interest as much as i’m clearly expected to by the author. i like mal just fine, he’s not without redeeming qualities, i just don’t love him yet and i may never do and that’s ok.

now i wanna take a moment and a couple sentences (it won’t be a novel i swear, pinky promise!) to talk about the twist that i should have seen coming miles away and i already know once my sister watches the show or reads the book whatever comes first i will be mercilessly teased about not seeing it coming. but when i found out the black heretic and the darkling are one of the same my jaw dropped. as memers might say i took that personally. and even though we have a lot of grounds to covers still and unanswered questions such as is the darkling still alive? if he is what is he up to now? is baghra dead in a ditch somewhere or worse? will alina and genya ever see each other again? why was zoya so standoffish and violent with alina, what’s her story? the question in my mind most prominent is what happened to the darkling? what happened for him to become who he is. i love the quote monsters are not born they’re made and i much prefer to see a villain who wasn’t always one than one who is just evil for the evulz. so i want a backstory and i also wanna learn about baghra while we’re at it.

it’s all fun and well for her to denounce her son’s actions but and i hate to break it to her but YOU RAISED HIM LADY. so yeah baghra’s whole speech to alina is missing parts for sure because she’s not just gonna admit her hands are covered in blood as much as the darkling’s are. not without some pressing at least. 

sooo to cap off all this i guess i would have just two throwaway remarks and that is that i am getting a lot of gay vibes from alina and if i took a shot every time she remarks on genya’s beauty or just gushes about genya in general i’d be drunk by now and i hope we get an actual queer romance somewhere in these books even just between side characters. second remark would be ivan i’m waiting for you to find some redeeming qualities my dude, i was rooting for you! at first he is a raging dickhead about it but seemed to mellow some and then near the end it’s right back to square one and i am really sorry about his brothers dying but having lost family members is not actually a get out of jail free card that gives you free range to mistreat people just because you can.

[prince-of-elsinore]

On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

[llendrinall]

Omg if an adult Draco woke up in 5 year old Draco's body and he wanted to make his father's life a living hell. Id read that, please please tell us the stuff he'd get up to. (as well as the stuff you would get up to at school, please)

It would be a nightmare for all involved. Draco, who had fought so much, suffered so much in order to atone not only for his mistakes but those of his family… and he finds himself back! All progress lost! He had broken his back, literally (it was a really dumb idea and Harry was very angry with him) to get Granger to warm up to him. Longbottom had forgiven him! (And Draco doesn’t even know what exactly he did to merit that). Harry had…

Harry had kissed him the weekend before.

And now he is back in his five-year-old body. Not even eleven, when he could see Harry and make a difference. No, he is five, and Draco cries and rages so much that he develops a fever and is incoherent for a week.

Afterwards… Well, you know how parents pride themselves in their children’s achievements? How parents want their children to be better than them? Lucius has found there is a limit to it. Having his son be more eloquent and advanced than any other child his age is great. Having his five-year-old son tell him with impeccable grammar that he, Lucius, will bring the ruin of their house is not great at all. Draco looks at him with a cherubic face and eyes that are burning grey, accusing him of crimes that even Narcissa doesn’t know about. Crimes that Lucius had barely begun to plan.

It is terrifying.

It is well known that what muggles call “demonic possessions” are nothing more than a wizard having a little too much fun with an imperius. But when Draco grabs Lucius’ wand, goes down to their hidden vault and, and, and opens it! He- he just casts the spell! Draco is five and he is doing magic that many adults struggle with! Oh, then Lucius wants to believe there might be something else.

(Out of all the forbidden things in their vault Draco went straight to the diary the Dark Lord had entrusted Lucius. Straight to it. And he destroyed it that very same night.)

“You failed.” Draco says, hot and angry. He is so pale and soft and full of fire. “You failed at everything and I had to take your place. I was given an impossible task as punishment to you, threatened not only with my death but the whole family, because of you!”

“Tenses, darling.” Says Narcissa softly. Narcissa is blind to the monster they have in the house. She doesn’t see it. She is convinced that there is nothing wrong with Draco, that he is just a very powerful seer who is a bit confused with timelines and verb tenses.

Draco is not a seer. Lucius is sure of that because if he were, then he would know that Lucius is thinking of… cleaning up the line. Narcissa is still young and she can give him another son or Lucius can remarry.

He is not a seer, but one day over breakfast Draco looks up and says “It won’t work. Whatever you are plotting, it won’t work. I can’t recall a single plan of yours that worked longer than a month. Kicking Dumbledore from Hogwarts, bribing the Ministry, bringing back the Dark Lord. It never works.”

So Lucius packs up his things and leaves the country quietly.

Narcissa is… shocked, which means she is furious, betrayed, and briefly terrified that she might lose her income and secure position. But once she is reassured that she still holds the house and the fortune she takes a big breath, internally swears that next time she comes across Lucius she will castrate hex him, and steps up into the role of Lady of the House.

She also listens to Draco. She insists that what Draco says has happened is yet to come, but she listens.

Draco wants to get Harry at once, but it is not so easy to find a seemingly normal muggle family in the sea of actually normal muggle families living an hour away from London. In the meantime, Narcissa visits Flourish and Blotts every day for a week until she finally gets there at the same time than the Weasleys. Then it’s a question of dropping a handkerchief and waiting for the bespectacled Weasley to fetch it for her and then, well, he is so eloquent and polite that Narcissa insists on buying young, Percival, was it? She shall buy him a quill. Any quill he wants. Don’t look at the price and just pick whatever quill you like best, young man. You must have a proper quill to write your letters.  

Molly Weasley would rather drag herself through shards of glass than accept a gift from a Malfoy; but one look at Percy tells her that if she takes this from him, if she takes his once chance of having something New and Fancy and Just For Him, he will hate her forever. So Molly relents (as Narcissa knew she would because mothers are predictable). Two weeks later Draco has a play date with Ronald.

“I think you should play Quidditch, Draco, dear.” She says, because horrendous as Lucius’ attitude was, she does recognize that Draco can be a bit off-putting. There isn’t that much talking with Quidditch and Draco is clever enough to let the young Weasley win two out of three times.

It takes thirteen months to find Harry and by then Narcissa has got a foot in both the Weasley’s and Longbottom’s houses. The latter was an excruciating effort and is still a very much work in progress. Narcissa had to let that bulldog of Augusta Lonbottom seer her crying and even now they are one wrong word away of losing all progress, but the children are talking and that was the goal.

She is weighting the pros of buying a house near the Dursleys and just moving there versus the advantage of frequently inviting the Weasley kids to the manor, when she sees the anxious look in her son’s face, a look of urgency and desperation and…

“Draco,” she cries, softly and sadly. Beautiful Draco, six years and two months and with a face like a silver coin. “Draco, dear, do you love this boy? I don’t mean like you love Mummy. Do you…”

“I know what you mean, Mother.” Draco says, serious, he is always so serious. She supposes he has to be to contain the fire burning inside. “I am not a child, I have told you. And I love him with all my heart.”

Oh.

“Then, you shouldn’t meet so soon.” Narcissa says firmly, although inside her heart is aching and she doesn’t know why. “Children who grow together tend to see each other as siblings. Why, your Great Aunt Marthia grew up with Gaius Mulciber, her fiancée, and their marriage was very difficult. I think he tried to poison her in order to marry his lover, or the other way around. I can’t remember. In any case, it is better to wait.”

But Draco doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to wait. He doesn’t want Harry to spend a single day more than necessary in that house where he was miserable and unloved. Whatever it takes, he says. Whatever it takes, even if the price is not loving Draco. Let’s rescue him now.

Narcissa explains that waiting would be much better. There are other things they have to keep in mind, like the return of the Dark Lord and the fact that Harry is linked to him. It can’t be that bad, the muggle house. Just bad enough that Harry will jump easily and eagerly to the wizarding world once it’s presented to him, so he will be all the more willing to sacrifice his…

“oh”, Narcissa says, very softly, not even an exclamation mark or a capital.

“oh”, she repeats.

Internally, she thinks “that bastard”. Dumbledore, of course. It is well known that Dumbledore wants Voldemort’s destruction at whatever cost.

“Draco you have to get yourself invited to the Longbottom’s house.” Narcissa says. Something in her tone finally cuts Draco’s unending cries that they have to get Harry, he will do it himself even if he is just one meter and ten centimeters tall.

Draco is a charming b-. Draco is charming, boy, child or adult trapped in a kid’s body. He gets an invitation and a layout of the Longbottom’s house. Narcissa then dons a pair of sensible country boots that she doesn’t mind getting dirty with mud and barely sleeps for the next ten days. Her skin suffers from it greatly, mind you.

By day three she has successfully stolen the rat Scabbers from the Burrow. She was going to switch it with a real pet rat, but it escapes and she can’t go chasing it. Then she begins a ten-days terror program on the Longbottoms. Footprints on the flowerbeds, upsetting the warding charms on the doors, definite signs of tampering in the chimney… Augusta Longbototm is many things, but she is certainly not a fool and by day four she is at the Ministry demanding help form the Auror office. It takes five freaking days for them to send a couple or aurors down. Narcissa is incensed on her behalf.

She waits until Dumbledore sends Moody down to the house. Moody casts extra protection charms and lays some traps and that night Narcissa pushes a stunned Pettigrew into what seems the nastiest of all of the traps. The one Dumbledore told Moody not to use but he still prepared the moment he left. In goes Pettigrew, stunned and wounded because Narcissa is under a lot of stress and she might have tortured him a bit.

Narcissa and Draco are there to greet Sirius, their BELOVED cousin (all capitals so no one dares says otherwise) when he is released from Azkaban. She has him shaved, washed and all set in a nice London house before Dumbledore can even begin to say “unfit for taking care of an underage boy”. At six years and four months Harry leaves the Dursleys and moves with his godfather.  

 And then it’s all nice for a while until Pettigrew escapes Azkaban, meets Lucius in the continent and together bring Voldemort back. There is a war. People grow more and more afraid of Draco and he has more attempts on his life than Harry ever had. Narcissa kills Bellatrix and doesn’t even think about it.

And, one day, a young handsome gentleman with shiny black hair arrives accompanied by a sullen lanky young man with streaks of pink in his hair. Draco labels the lanky young man as the ugliest adult he has even seen. The handsome young gentleman introduces himself as Harry Potter and asks if perhaps Draco remembers him?

The burning fire inside Draco disappears. There is only hot air and ash.

The ugly lanky young man is adult Draco, of course, governed by an eight-year-old who has completely destroyed his hair.  Harry, his Harry, is just amused at Draco’s indignation that they allowed this to happen. Apparently Child Draco was a handful to deal with.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to find you,” handsome gentleman Harry says, and he is so warm and beautiful that Draco wants to cry. He doesn’t even care about how ugly is adult body is because once he is back in it Harry grabs his hands and doesn’t let go until they are back home.