#wow like so much longer than the couple paragraphs i though i was gonna write oh well

[prince-of-elsinore]

On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

[hannah-deactivated20220725]

2020 End of Year Friendship Post

Alright, you guys know that I love to make gushing posts about people I’ve grown fond of.

Well, I’ve decided to make a big one for the end of the year. Celebrate the friendships I’ve created and/or maintained in the last year. This is obviously not EVERYBODY as I have shit memory and some of my friends have left the site (T_T) but this list will be a bit long, so I’m gonna post everything under a cut so that it doesn’t bother people having to scroll past it. (: to the people not mentioned in this but that follow me: thank you so much for supporting me & my writing adventure. I know that my blog has been through ups and downs, has changed immensely in the course of the past year, but I hope that you guys still enjoy and do not regret following it.

If you do, feel free to unfollow. I understand that some of you probably followed me for my games or events, which I no longer post here. If you do follow for my games, don’t forget I have a blog centered around writer games now!! You can find it at mywritinggames. You don’t have to follow this blog if you just followed for games. You can follow that blog. I won’t be offended. <3

Alright, enough of that. Let’s get into some lovey-dovey mushy-gushy words of adoration for all a lot of my friends!

PS here’s a list of everyone I tagged on here with comments and the paragraph number in case you want to skip straight to your mush comments:

1. Toby 2. Franka 3. Szandra 4. Raev 5. Jade 6. Lynxxie 7. Ravage 8. Andy 9. Pax 10. Keena 11. Ariadne 12. Ellie 13. Katie 14. Etta 15. Jake 16. Aurelien 17. LJ 18. Fatal 19. Avery 20. Amanda 21. Ari  22. Galaxy 23. Elizabeth 24. Dawny 25. Cat 26. Kry 27. Eris 28. Vermont 29. Erin 30. Piya

The final paragraph is a general comment to everyone, so please make sure to read the final paragraph as well! Thank you all for existing, for staying alive through a rough year, for being here for me and for being my friends. You are all amazing and deserve everything, all the energy love and positivity you put into the world. <3 I love you guys!

1. @lordkingsmith - I’ve already beaten this dead horse, but you are SO INCREDIBLE and I have no idea what my entire mentality would be if not for you. You’ve saved me from giving up on my dreams multiple times by your positivity and always knowing how to help me!! Any time something happens, you’re right there with a solution and it’s mind boggling. You’re literally the only person that can be like “here, help yourself this way” and I won’t get upset about it because I trust you in a way I trust SO few people. You are my little brother and I am so, so happy Jason Zephyr and a stupid tomato guessing game brought us together ;)

2. @franky-ts - girl... you’ll always be my twinny. Always, always. I can’t imagine life without you in it. Even through me deleting my blogs what, 3-4 times now since we met? I always come back to you. You are always the top 2-3 people I search for when I come back because you are my twinny and if I don’t get to have a tumblr experience without you, I don’t want it! <3 I love everything about you and I’m so glad to know you. I’m so grateful to have friends like you that always reach out to me and try to cheer me up when I’m feeling down. I always want to share my ups and downs with you. If not for the damned timezone difference, I probably would. Love you, sis.

3. @catharticallysarcastic - probably my favorite person I rarely speak to ;) A friendship started with writer games and the beauty of her name (Szandra for those that don’t know)... you are a remarkable and beautiful person and you deserve the world and all of your dreams with it. I wish this world was perfect so you could live in a perfect world because you, my friend, are great. And sweet. And amazing! Thank you for being a good friend to me.

4. @raevenlywrites - I know we don’t talk much anymore. I don’t really bombard you with asks like I used to, but I do still cherish you, not only as a writer, but as a person. You have a beautiful heart and are such a caring individual. You will go out of your way for other people and this world needs MORE PEOPLE like that! You are incredible and I hope you reach the absolute apex of what you think life should be. That is my 2020 wish for you. <3

5. @jade-island-lives - Jade.... Jade, Jade. Another great friend that’s been here through my ups and downs of a couple of different blogs I’ve ended up remaking. Jeez, it’s been so long I can’t even remember how we met. But I’m so, so glad we did. You are beautiful. You are so caring and kind. Your writing is amazing and your characters are just... *chef kiss* But this isn’t about your writing, as amazing as it is. This is about you. This is about how amazing YOU, as a person, are. This is about how much I love and appreciate you as a person. This is about how much I am grateful to have friends like you in my life. This about how you’ve been here for me through so much and how I can’t imagine if I’d never met you. Even though we rarely talk like we used to, I still cherish you like we talk every freaking day. Life gets busy, especially as adults. Shit happens, life gets hard. But through everything, just know I love you and am always, no matter what, here for you. <3

6. @wyldlynxx - Lynxxieeee ~ my little Nane fangirl xDDDD you are amazing. You don’t give yourself near enough credit for how awesome you are. You make me laugh and so happy to be alive. We don’t chat like we used to, which... to be fair there are very few that I do still talk to regularly. But I still love you and our friendship. I wouldn’t trade it - for you - for anything. (: I hope one day we can catch up again and start chatting more again because our chats always, always put a smile on my face.

7. @mrs-raven-writes - Ravage! My savage little Ravage!! My buddy! Hey! Hi! You are awesome. Our conversations are so unique every time. We don’t just have the typical ‘hi how are you’ talks. I mean yes, sometimes we do if it’s been a while since we chatted, but for the most part, we’ve had all different kinds of talks. My favorite is when you randomly approached me saying you almost threw down with someone because of a game. xD And finding out that even through your absence you still keep track of me? T_T I was so flattered and still am. You are amazing and you also do not give yourself near enough credit for how amazing you are. I am so glad to know you and I hope that 2021 treats you better than 2020 did because I’d love more than anything for you to message me telling me how incredible you feel and how much life has improved. I freaking love you, girl, and I want nothing but happiness and love for you. (:

8. @violetcancerian - Andyyyyyyyy~ hi!!! omg what to say... I’m not even sure how to say what I want to say. xD A friendship forged by mutual love of King Arthur fiction... turned into what it is now. Even though we rarely ever talk anymore, I still feel so close to you... and I hope that you know that you’re still a very special friend to me. ^_^ you are so sweet and so ENTHUSIASTIC! You spread so much love to others and it just makes me smile! It makes me so happy to see you on my dash, not just for the fics, but for YOU. You, as a person, are worth so much, and I hope you get everything you ever wanted because I want nothing but the best for you, my friend! Happy new year and thank you so much for being my friend. <3

9. @magic-is-something-we-create - Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxy!! One of my most enthusiastic friends! I always know that I can just chat your ear off about the things that have me excited because you just get so excited with me! You’re like my “pump me up” buddy because your excitement then causes me to get more excited! Instead of mocking my hyperfixations, you get enthralled with me, and I LOVE that!!! You are so encouraging and so increidbly sweet and thoughtful. You always put a smile on my face and even when it’s been weeks since we’ve chatted, our conversations are never stale. I always know if I message you, we’re about to have a fun, exciting conversation. I never get bored of our chats or of you because you’re just so FUN and put such a big smile on my face!!! I love the friendship we’ve built and I really, honestly hope it never ends because you’re amazing. <3

10. @keen2meecha - hey, buddy! We haven’t really chatted in a while but I wanted to include you because we used to chat a lot more. And it was so fun getting to know you and sharing my passions with you. I really hope that we get into touch more in 2021 because I never want to lose that bond we shared back when we chatted more! I enjoy so much talking with you and getting to know your works and sharing mine with you! I hope you have an phenomenal 2021, my friend.

11. @confundere - another buddy that I always look for when I restart my blog (which has happened an embarrassing amount of times). Ariadne is a passionate person with so much to offer this world and I cannot imagine ever restarting my blogs without contacting her. You are someone I think of frequently, even if we don’t chat as much as we used to, and I’m so glad to have met you. (: thank you for being such a great friend to me, and for being so supportive of me. I hope you have a terrific 2021. Happy new year, friend!

12. @howdy-writes - Ellieeee~ we have had many fun chats via our posts and I have massively enjoyed going from “oh what a cute blog” to “wow this girl is amazing!” I have enjoyed from going “aw how cute, she likes lesbian cowgirls” to “this girl IS a lesbian cowgirl!” You have so many incredible layers that are so fun to figure out and you are such a joy to get to know! I’m so glad I got the courage to reach out to you and talk to you because you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met on this site. You always have nothing but sweet things to say and I just.... I look up to you so much. Your kindness, your positivity, your love. You, all-in-all, are a role model I wish I’d grown up watching. I hope that all the youngesters following you realize that you are someone to look up to. ^_^

13. @abalonetea - you... oh, Katie, you. It still makes me laugh how long it took me to stop calling you Emily in my head xDDD you’re incredibly talented. But beyond that, you’re a great friend. Always supporting others. Always willing to be there for others. You’re a great person and deserve as much love and support, if not more, as you give. You are so kindhearted and just all around, the best kind of friend to have. Thank you for being one of mine. <3

14. @ettawritesnstudies - one of my newer friends from this year! It was so fun collabing on a positivity event with you! My hope is we can do something like that again because you were a joy to work with. ^_^ you are so kind though. So kind and so thoughtful and supportive. You are exactly the kind of friend I want in my real life. You are the kind of person I could see myself really opening up to and texting every day if I knew you irl. People like you are what make this world worth living in and people like you are what make the world a nicer, better place. I’m so grateful to know you and that you decided to join tumblr. Thank you for everything this year and I look forward to another year of friendship!

15. @homesteadchronicles - Jaaake!! Omg we don’t chat like we did when I was first recommended your blog, but I still cherish every conversation. I cherish every hi and am always sad when we have to part ways. I think about you frequently, even if we don’t always talk. I’m always wondering how you are, how your writing’s going, how your year’s going. You have been a joy to get to know and I really hope one day we can start chatting more again because our conversations always leave me with a smile on my face by the end, and I simply cannot say that about just anybody. Happy new year, friend, and I hope you have a terrific 2021.

16. @copperplatescript - Aurelien!!! I’ve probably said it before but I LOVE your name. It’s so unique compared to names I’ve heard in the past. But beyond that, there’s an amazing person attached to the name!! I love sharing things with you because interesting conversation always follows. You are so fun to chat with and you have so much interesting stuff to share! Your fascinations are so fascinating and it’s so much fun watching the progression of your projects!! I miss our chats but I know 2020 has been a hectic year for most. I just hope 2021 brings more fun and fascinating conversation and brings us closer as friends ^_^ thank you for several months of a wonderful friendship. (:

17. @ljscrawls - sheesh, I can’t believe it took me this long to get to LJ!!!! My buddy ol’ pal. Talented, sweet, fun, funny!!! Pretty much all the best traits in one amazing person. You always bring a smile to my face and leave me feeling so freaking special. There are very few that can make me laugh, cry, flattered and just so happy in one single conversation. You bring so much joy and love in my life and I just can’t imagine ever losing your friendship. And I hope I never have to because I don’t want to be without you in my life. ^_^ thank you for being such a great friend. I love ya!!

18. @fatal-blow - I know we’re not like SUPER close or anything. But I wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Not just because your talent is beyond anything I have the words to voice but... you are such a fun, passionate person to speak with and it’s fun watching you talk about things you love, especially your characters. The way that you make your characters feel so familiar when you talk about them, like you’re talking about an old friend. It’s simply inspiring. I’m so glad I found your blog and started commenting on your posts because the conversations that have ensued due to it have been so memorable. I’ll never forget you, even long after I stop being on tumblr, whenever that happens. Thank you for everything.

19. @just-a-little-bit-of-sugar - girrrrl. You’re someone that I really miss. You are so sweet, just like your name implies, and such an uplifting person to talk about. You’re so positive, and you know. I do really cherish that about you but that isn’t what makes you so special to me. Everyone has down days and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’ll appreciate you any less for having them, like your positivity is the only thing that makes you worth friendship. Good or bad days, you are a great friend and I want to be here to celebrate the good and help you through the bad! You’ve been a great friend to me over the last year and I only hope you can say the same to me. <3 hope you’re doing well.

20. @amandahoyle - god, our friendship started with a mutual love of DARK writing. Started with my writing of Death Has a Face and other dark stories centered around death and your series I’m reading with DEFINITE darkness in it.... but it evolved into this beautiful thing it is now, that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You are a remarkable friend, always having nothing but nice words for me and I so appreciate how you lift me up during hard times. You’re always here for me and willing to help bring me out of my own personal darkness. And I love and appreciate that so much about you. You are a phenomenal friend and I just don’t want to imagine ever losing your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and so patient with me over the last several months. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, even if just virtually.

21. @leafgreen6 - Ariiiii!!!!!!! One of my earlier friends! I met you through Galaxy and our friendship kind of blossomed. The three of us together create quite a dynamic trio even if we don’t chat together like we used to. You are amazing. I hope you realize how incredible you are. You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and you are so caring toward your friends. You love and support those around you and have such a beautiful heart. You are talented af and a total badass. <3 I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Thank you. Thank you.

22. @books-of-lunacy - Jesus! Girl, we literally never talk anymore! I hope you’re well. I miss you. We forged a great friendship that I will never, ever forget, even if it fades away. Because you’ve been amazing over the months and I’m so glad to have met you virtually. I used to imagine if we met in person many times xD and I think you’d be a fun person to like go on adventures with at midnight, when the world around us is asleep. (: I’m glad to know you and I hope that 2021 brings you joys that 2020 tried to take away. Miss you and again, I hope you’re well. Thank you for being a friend.

23. @incandescent-creativity - we used to chat sooo much when I discovered your blog, when I originally created this blog! You were one of the first people I sought out when I recreated it because you inspire me SO MUCH. Your passion for your writing and characters... your kindness when answering questions... your silliness and just overall personality and attitude, it all inspires me. Every. Damn. Day. I know I haven’t done my “ask spree” stuff I used to do frequently, which got you accustomed to my url (and was also the reason you apparently actually noticed my disappearance when I deleted my original blog) but just know that I think about you frequently. Not just as a writer and creator, but as a person. As an amazing, inspiring person that I strive to be more and more like. You are incredible. Thank you for showing the world who you are.

24. @dawnsplaceyt - I know you’ve been busy lately and life has gotten hectic but I just wanted to let you know I still think of you frequently and am grateful for the friendship we’ve built over the last year. You are such a warm person with so much passion and love and I’m so glad to have been one of the people that got to witness that. I am so thrilled that your relationship took the next step and I can’t wait to see you start the next chapter of your life. <3 I hope you’re doing well and that the end of 2020 and all of 2021 treat you well. Love ya girl.

25. @missionkitty - Jesus. I can’t believe you’re all the way down at 25. But either way, here we are. One of my favorite people that I met through the odds of an otome game we share a passion for. Your art is breathtaking. I love your style and you as a person are just as breathtaking. You are so free and passionate!! You have so much love for the things you care about and that is so admirable. I look up to you so much, especially as an artist! I strive to be more like you one day. <3 thank you for being so amazing! I look forward to another year of friendship.

26. @kryskakikomi - okay, we know each other more through games and events than we do through actual chats, but I’ve always WANTED to talk to you... and build a friendship? One of my goals for 2021 is to do more outreach toward people I have wanted to talk to but never quite got the nerve to reach out to and you’re one of the top on the list!! I’m thrilled we’ve had interactions at all but I’d be so happy if we could have more in the coming year! Hope your year goes well. (:

27. @leave-her-a-tome - uh, you’re awesome. Enough said, next! No, just kidding. xD but I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re awesome. Even just seeing you on my dash gives me a thrill. You have so much talent, yet are so humble about it and are so happy to support others. It’s quite inspiring to see someone that is so incredible be so down to earth and not full of themself. You are so fun to chat with too! Our chats are usually short but they still bring me such joy. To know that someone as amazing as you LIKES to chat with me? Humbling. And thrilling at the same time! I will never, ever forget you or the time we’ve spent talking and working together!! Thank you for everything and for the support and I hope you have a great 2021!

28. @vermontwrites​ - okay, I know we haven’t spoken much since the Prompt Pals days but I really enjoy your presence - both on my dash and my DMs. You have been through so much yet hold strong. Yes, I know some days are really hard for you but your strength and resilience are inspirational. I hope you know you’re not alone and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on, if you need someone to vent to. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to push through everything alone. You have friends that care and that want to be here for you. You are incredible and deserve love and friendship. I hope you recognize that. Thank you for sticking around and for being you. I hope 2021 goes better for you, my friend.

29. @rhikasa - okay. I know, we mostly communicate via games, but you have been such a positive force on my dash and notes in the last year. I know we don’t chat much but I do still appreciate you and want you to know that. I don’t know like if you think about me beyond the games, but I certainly do think about you and am always hoping you’re having a great day/night. You’re awesome and creative and kindhearted and I’m so appreciative to have you as a mutual. <3

30. @piyawrites - Piya!!! We haven’t really communicated in a long time but I still cherish the times we did chat. We have had so many good conversations with giggles and enthusiasm and support and I love your energy! You’re such a positive force and such a great person to know and chat with and I’m so so grateful for that. You’re wonderful and I hope you recognize the light that you shine on others lives because you do. And you deserve that same level of loving energy that you bring to others. Thank you for being a part of my online world.

Thank you everyone that is listed on this. You are are all so freaking wonderful and each and every one of you hs made a difference in my life. You all have played a big part in why I have stayed on this site and I cherish each and every one of you for all kinds of reasons. I hope you all know how loved and appreciated you are and I wish you all a very happy New Year. May 2021 show many improvements upon the last year <3

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[rigelmejo]

April Progress Update, and May Goals:

*bear with me this is gonna get long.

I’m going to first just look at April goals and see if I did them, then afterward summarize everything I did this month (cause it was a lot more than I planned ToT)

Chinese study plan from April:

1. Read anything 

Well, I did read. However my goal to read hanshe to chapter 80 and Zhenhun to the end of the sundial arc never happened. I did read a lot though. I ended up focusing mainly on extensive reading. 

Chinese chapters read: 62 (I counted graded readers/小王子 as 1 chapter for every two that I read, but this number is probably still inflated... compared to my normal 20-pleco page chapters I probably read 31-40 of those-kind-of-chapters length wise).

Chinese stories finished: 4 (Pleco Graded Reader Butterfly Lovers, Chinese Short Stories, Mandarin Companion Journey to the Center of the Earth, 小王子 - you can tell this is where my attention went this month).

Chinese Listening Reading Method chapters done: 14.5 (4.5 Silent Reading, 2 Chapters of A History of Humankind, 1 chapter hp, 1 chapter Alice in Wonderland, iffy but like 3 chapters 小王子, iffy but like 4 chapters of the Xiao Mao cat story - I should note that for Silent Reading, 小王子, Xiao Mao I only looked at the chinese mostly so more step 2, and for the others I did step 3 as recommended). Also I realize... I should probably count this with hours instead of chapters, because hours are where the original poster about LR mentioned when milestones are hit. However, being realistic, I do not do things in hour segments so I’m not sure any tracking will be as easy as this way...

A cool thing potentially about L R Method? I found some resources recently that will make this a lot easier (Bidiread is a site that can make parallel texts for you, which made silent reading MUCH easier since the audio doesn’t perfectly match so you NEED to see the chinese even if only doing step 3, to make sure you can keep track of where you are in the text when the audio skips paragraphs). I also found Francais Par Le Methode Nature as videos on youtube with audio and the text visible (is that not simply L R method step 2 but its all comprehensible, i love that book). And I found a few files on youtube of audiobooks with english audio and chinese/english parallel text on screen (a bit backwards in process but i’m curious to test it), one youtube channel who does chinese audio with parallel texts on screen (phenomenal!), and I remembered the site bilinguis exists which is excellent for French if you wanna try L R Method (it has a few french audios with the parallel texts). Also in the case of A History of Humankind - the audiobook for once is very closely synced to the actual chapter start/ends, so it was just easier to do L R Method with. 

2. Listen to Chinese Spoonfed Audio, shadowing when I can

YES I did this! I was on 11 last month, now I’m on 15. (so 4 audio this month) Yes I realize that wasn’t a lot of improvement T-T. What can I say I am not very good at being disciplined. However I did learn something interesting this month ABOUT listening to these so I think I might do it more - I listened to some in the background while playing games, then later listened to them again (also why I only got through 4 - I was replaying audios maybe 2 times). And when I listened the second time I could understand nearly all, whereas obviously when playing my game I only caught parts of it. So I suppose what this showed me is partially listening and partially focusing still may have some benefit in helping to learn the info - and well obviously its easier to make time to play audio when u don’t need to focus 100% on it.  

I also did some other misc listening to random stuff without any plan: 6? audio 1 of DeFrancis Beginner Chinese Reader, 1 audio of FSI Chinese, 2 condensed audios of Guardian (which was so cool?? also so cool i can follow along so well now??), 1 dracula chapter audio (don’t even ask i don’t know either), tian ya ke audio drama ep 1.

Chinese show episodes watched: 28 (You can see here is where my time went listening wise lol - Two Souls in One is GOOD u might wanna check it out, is all I’m saying, especially if the taiwan drama Bromance was ur thing, or the anime Ouran Host Club, or even Bureau of Transformer to a degree. I watched up to ep 25 and once its all aired to the finale I’m gonna finish it. 

Optional going through my hanzi book: I burned out on this, but it was a good use of my time when I felt like writing. I only wrote/studied maybe 30 hanzi, and maybe 50 hanzi+radicals in my Radical-Specific hanzi book. If I continue, I think my goal will be to just continue the Radical-book to completion. Realistically, longer term, I need to go through the freaking Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Character’s book just to get the hanzi and their rough meaning to stick in my head (and learn the pronunciations through well context and vocab how I normally do). Right now I just learn through reading, but its an issue of sometimes I just end up associating one hanzi with the new word I learned but then as soon as I see it in a new word I don’t even remember having seen it before. If I paid a bit more attention to distinguishing I might notice when I’ve seen them before or they’re new, and have more starting info to relate to the character to attach the word info onto. (its a convoluted way of me saying if I have things to connect to each other I remember better even if it makes little sense to connect them - if I know car and pet, carpet’s easier to remember even though it has nothing to do with cars, cry in french ‘pleurer’ was easier to remember once my brain thought ‘plume of tears’ even though that makes no sense. i just remember things better than seeing pleurer and having no idea what to attach it to at all - even if i heard it means cry, if i don’t have a thing to associate it with i’ll forget easier. or melancholy - i had to associate it with melons, and cholly - reminds me of words for sickness so heavy-sick +sad is how i started finally remembering that word cause wow did i look it up over and over as a kid).

---

Japanese study plan from April:

1. continue through nukemarine’s memrise courses. 

Okay I did do this!! Congrats! In March I had completed LLJ 3 - Kanji, 289/318 finished in LLJ 4 Tae Kim part 1. As of April, I have completed: LLJ 4 Part 1, LLJ 4 Part 2 51/365, LLJ 5  Core Vocabulary 420/1020. So yeah! Going quite well, in that I consistently did it - I realized for me the best time to do it is playing video games oddly enough, or watching youtube - just do it in between areas, or ep scenes/videos, as a short 5-10 minute break. Since I like taking breaks from things anyway. Like audio, its hard for me to find ways to get myself to do stuff like this (except worse cause I don’t vibe with flashcards).

My goal for May will probably be finish LLJ 4 Part 2, LLJ 5, and start LLJ 6? I can dream right...

Also, a cool note: I found audio-flashcard files that people made of the Japanese Core 2k vocabulary deck and sentences, with english-japanese audio. (If anyone wants a link just let me know). So now if I DO eventually get burned out on flashcards, I could switch to using those. They would work about as well as the Chinese Spoonfed Audio files I have (which work extremely well for me - audio flashcards I just listen to are so much more suited to how I study lol). However, I’d like to stick with Nukemarine’s decks as long as possible while I can focus - they cover grammar explicitly which helps me a lot, and the reading practice COMBINED with constant audio really helps me learn the readings of words. Which is something I need for japanese a LOT more than chinese.

2. continue reading Tae Kim’s grammar guide 

Ahahahahaaa hahaaa... did not do it. Nope.

What I did do that was grammar related:

Watched Cure Dolly lessons 1-5 (and will probably watch more as I seem to click well with those explanations)

Read 24 pages of Japanese in 30 Hours while transcribing actual japanese into it (and will probably continue to read it, its so short I should just DO IT in a couple days, it also fulfilled my desire to write stuff)

JapaneseAudioLessons.com - read the wa vs ga explanation, reading the portable japanese grammar notes document right now (its 11 pages I’ll finish it today). I’ve said it before but i really LOVE this resource, and they have so much for free. I absolutely recommend if a beginner wants Pimsleur or Michael Thomas or some other paid resource etc, to just go to this site, download their full lesson grammar guide (its like 311 pages like a real textbook) and go through all their free audio lessons. You will cover a lot of ground (more than Pimsleur or Michael Thomas), and all for free. In addition, I’ve bought some of their kanji teaching books and they’re overall my favorite for remembering kanji specifically (yes more than Heisig’s RTK by far, and more than KKLC - although the Kodanshi book is a good reference to have around). I’m not kidding at all when I say just try this site’s free resources if you’re trying to use free stuff, its the closest I’ve found to an audio only teaching method, or an audio/textbook-like combo, that’s this much stuff and free. (For non free, I actually liked Genki if you do everything in it).

Other misc things done in japanese:

Watched Dracula the Musical in japanese with no subs. It was super hard, but also not so hard. It changed my life. 1000/10 would recommend watching it if you even remotely like dracula OR vampires - featuring a lesbian Dracula/Mina, and more importantly a story change about who kills Dracula, and Dracula and Mina’s agency and choice being the driving force of the ending. These story changes I LOVE and I now want them in more adaptations moving forward, its what I always craved of the ending of Dracula and never got - Dracula as a person (not monster), Mina as a person (not prey), and their choices influencing how the story ends and by whom (versus Van Helsing/the establishment symbol regaining control through annihilation of the ‘threat’ to that norm). Also it gave me a new interest in Japanese plays which is cool. I did not expect to love them this much! Also gave me a boost in japanese confidence, in that I no longer feel as “scared” to try immersing in japanese or in some kinds of content that seemed ‘harder’ - and that was a big hurdle I was too afraid to do, in the past when I studied.

Watched a few more lets plays (lets guess maybe 3-5 sections of 20 minutes?). Persona 2 innocent sin (cool to see me follow along despite not knowing the game), Final Fantasy IX (this one I saved, and could definitely pick up words from since I know some of the story and the lets player read everything - I should look up FFX), random stuff. 

Tried to play some games in japanese! I’m going to go with this was about 3 hours. I tried crisis core’s opening to the first save point - it was playable (I can read most of the menus), and I can follow enough text to get the overall gist - however it was draining as so much is text only (I FORGOT how much reading is in this game). Great for reading practice I suppose. Also great in that it definitely reset my expectations about what is ‘doable’ for me - however I do think KH2 is probably still the easiest game i should start trying games with (since I have so many of the controls/menu memorized and can waste less time re-reading the tutorials), and since I know so many words by memory I’ll be able to focus more on grammar (whereas in CC I was glancing through kanji trying to keep up with the live action scenes). A bit too much reading for me to tackle again for a while, it was draining lol. Then I tried persona 3 for psp - first, i like the ps2/ps3 version better ToT. Second, also somehow I could read enough to survive - but the reading again took time, a lot isn’t voiced, and there are not frequent save points. So again I just played to the first save point. That one I may try again before CC though, because a lot more of the language is daily life stuff I could glance through and speed-read-guess lol, or could actually use if I learned it. Also occassionally p3 reads out loud which is nice. I suspect the Visual Novel I got will actually be best for practice (despite me not knowing the plot at all), because I’m guessing more of the lines will be voiced. All this reading would help me more if I could hear it voiced - and I may want to watch more Lets Plays, and Audiobooks on youtube, mainly for that fact: subtitles that i can read WITH audio so i can practice listening and reading together.

Tried reading a bit! First, some mangas I had (though I only read a page of each) - mainly it was just nice to see mangas are more accessible now. they’re about as readable to me rn as manhua were in chinese at 6-8 months in. I can just about follow the main gist, more if I use a dictionary for details. Also thanks to @yue-muffin​ telling me, learned I can look up words on iphone in the web browser just by highlighting words and clicking “look up.” Life changing. That in combination with me finding some japanese scripts of Final Fantasy games online (and I’ve always been curious what localizations changed), and this has been a little reading I found myself doing just because i felt like it. I didn’t read much - the equivalent of several dialogue boxes (the games i played made me read a LOT more lol). but I liked that i could see their kana when i looked them up, sound the sentences out to myself, contemplate them (so intensive read). Also if you have Speech tools enabled on your phone, you can swipe down with 2 fingers and it will read the page aloud - I used to do that a little with chinese on dual chinese-englist mtlnovel pages since it WILL read both, but Pleco reads chinese better so unless i’m only-listening i switched to pleco for that. But for these scripts it works great! (occasionally it will read all-kanji titles like chinese though lol - not once its into japanese sentences though). I thought it was really cool I could basically emulate what I do in Pleco for chinese, in a normal web browser for Japanese. (Also, for websites, Idiom app seems to work ok for reading Aloud as well - possibly better - but ios iphone “Look up” dictionaries are MUCH better than Idiom app’s).

In summary basically I surprisingly enjoyed reading and might keep trying to do it just because its interesting. However in general, first: I really want 2k words done in Nukemarine’s LLJ courses (LLJ 7 would put me at 1k common words, LLJ 12 would put me at 2k so...), and I’d really like a better grammar foundation (Cure Dolly, or japanese audio lessons grammar, Nukemarine LLJ also obviously fits that task with the grammar portions, really anything). While I want to play games, again I just really realize... how much easier my life will be with a better basis of knowledge first lol. Reading I can do in bite size if I want, but playing games is Draining in between saves right now lol. While i CAN do it right now, unless its a game i really can tune out with (like KH2 maybe) then its just too intensive right now for me to tolerate too much of.

Also, again, I think doing Nukemarine’s LLJ decks as breaks while playing games/watching stuff is working great, going to keep doing that. And listening to audio flashcard files while I have dead time (like level grinding). I have been listening to the Chinese Spoonfed audio, but other options could be: the english-japanese Core 2k audio files, the Japanese Audio Lessons files (which once years ago I’d listen to while excerising). For now I’ve focused on Chinese Spoonfed audio because I know I need to FINISH something before jumping to something else lol. 

---

French stuff I did in April:

Listened to 6 chapters of Francais Par Le Methode Nature (and read some of them - oh i missed this book its my fave way to learn and it finally has audio!!)

listened to some bits of audiobooks (i don’t even know why, i don’t know - dracula, frankenstein, carmilla, sherlock)

read a little of Le Petit Prince (idk 3 chapters? browsing my book after finishing in chinese and... ok my heart is still a bit ;-; ... i’m gonna need to recover from this story...)

read a bit of dracula (again... idk why... also it was kind of a L R Method step 2 attempt in that I listened to audio too, but really I mainly just... read)

L R Method: 2 Chapters of Alice in Wonderland (step 2, because I have not tried step 3 yet). 

What is funny as hell to me is both how many words I look up when I contemplate intensive reading (again life changed by the fact i can just highlight words and click “word lookup” on my phone). But also how I already... know I can thoroughly read without doing it. Like... yes I can look up a word I fuzzy-know to get clarification, but even my phone auto-gives me french-french dictionary first and sometimes only (is it because my google is in french), i’ve been used to french definitions only for years.. and also like... i know when i read a whole paragraph i get whatever words were fuzzy before? just read some of dracula again today and its fine. its fine. again informational texts are easier for me - but dracula being a lot of letters ‘describing what happened’ suits me quite easily (and somehow manages to be less annoying to me than the english version). like... alice in wonderland was probably the harder for all the quick adjectives/verbs used in just one or two paragraphs when i was still re-remembering vocabulary i used to know lol. Like... in a dream world i’d love to test L R Method and see HOW MUCH it can teach a person. But like... while french would be the easiest to test it with? I kind of realize i’m also at a point in french where i have more benefit just continuing to read in french and listen in french (to fix my poor listening skills). referencing the english is not really... particularly necessary, it just usually slows me down. while i’m missing a LOT of words for fluent speaking/grammatically ok speaking - i don’t think listening reading method would really help me with that, since reading sure hasn’t. if any readng material might it’s francais par le methode nature just because it drills simple correct grammar construction, and reinforces it, and teaches grammar through context. but all my other reading materials... are more comprehension... 

Anyway in SUMMARY wow i did a lot more than i expected this month!

---

Next months goals!

Chinese May Goals:

***Read anything. Great plan, has been working great. Ideally I would like to: finish Xiao Mao book one, and then either continue another Xiao Mao novel or start one of the other stories rated 2+ ease. I am considering  许三观卖血记 because its about as easy as the little prince, I’ve read an excerpt and its historical fiction so generally practical. Or  流星·蝴蝶·剑 by Gu Long if I want to work on a base in wuxia words from an easier novel. Or  他们的故事 by 一根黄瓜丝儿 if I’m ready to return to it - although this one is longer (the other stories being more like 12-20 chapters) so I’d prefer to save this for later. For any of these - look words up as desired since I’ll read them in Pleco. Ideally as my ‘harder’ reading I would like to either continue hanshe (intensive reading), or continue guardian (extensive reading) - so its a matter of if I want to look words up.

***Continue listening to Chinese Spoonfed Audio (please can i Finish it please ;-;)

Optional: experiment with Listening Reading Method. With the finding of those videos on youtube, I’d like to make my life literally as easy and streamlined as possible and literally just TEST L R Method by doing it with a few of the videos I found. It literally cannot get easier than premade videos with audio.

Other optional: listen to misc audio (I would love the time to watch the tian ya ke audiodrama WITH its subtitles then listen without again), watch shows, read Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Characters (i doubt this will happen), do some of my Radical-hanzi book. 

Japanese May Goals:

***Continue: Nukemarine’s LLJ courses - ideally finish LLJ 4 Part 2, LLJ 5, and start LLJ 6. (this truly can be basically my only study method if I can’t do more). THIS IS THE PRIORITY. The quicker I get ALL of this done, the more of a foundation I will have to do Anything else.

Hopefully: Continue some kind of grammar explanation beyond Nukemarine’s stuff - either Tae Kim (unlikely but i was at chapter 10 before), Cure Dolly (i’m on 6), Japanese Audio Lessons Grammar, Japanese in 30 Hours while writing japanese in (I’m on page 24). Again this is a higher priority as it will make anything else easier.

Optional: Reading in any form - so video game time, lets plays, audiobook youtube with captions, actual reading as desired (like scripts). Including this because I know I will eventually try again lol.

Optional: listening in any form - so another musical! maybe listen to japanese audio lessons, or the core 2k audio, or a lets play, etc. I find I’m probably less likely to listen to something but it might happen!

French May Goals*:

*aka if I feel like doing it because french has no real goals at the moment! -3-)/

***Continue watching Le Francais Par Le Methode Nature videos. (There’s only 33, they’re like 10 minutes long or less, its about basics, PLEASE). I remember this book took forever to read 1/3 of when i was an upper beginner, well now surely its less slow going? especially because read aloud its as fast as the speakers voice! so it is not time consuming and i’ve wanted to finish this book forever! i could at least finish it up to where the audio files match to!

Read???? Read??? Honestly I’ve just been wanting to read Dracula and Carmilla in French its a vibe I’ve been in. Its not high priority or anything but hey it might happen. If it does happen, ideally I’d like to listen to an audiobook too around the same time (maybe after, or have the page read, idk). Just because while reading refreshes my vocab, what I really want to build up is listening/pronunciation. To get to a point where I can listen and shadow would be nice. 

Tied to above, try L R Method? Not a high priority, though it would be super easy to test! Just because I already started testing it with Alice in Wonderland... but that basically amounts to just reading practice with audio again, for me.

I found Merlin in french so THAT is a thing.

Honestly the only thing I really want to do ‘study’ wise in french is finish that freaking book, especially now that I can listen to audio with it. It’s a nice foundation and I’d really like a refresher/fill in any big gaps in my learning. Anything else about french written here is mostly a reminder to myself to LISTEN to audio when possible, and try and improve that skill a bit if I go and read. 

---

Real fast CORE SUMMARY:

Chinese: READ easier stories rated 2+ and keep getting through some, in combination with reading the harder hanshe and Guardian. Also listen to Chinese Spoonfed audio whenever u remember! Attempt some L-R method with the youtube videos you found. Immerse as desired.

Japanese: continue Nukemarine LLJ courses. Also do some grammar study somewhere, and immerse as desired.

French: listen/listen-read to Francais Par Le Methode Nature. Also read/listen as desired - ideally combining the activities.

*in all cases, where possible, combine listening-reading or try to practice both skills. (So reading in Pleco - play audio afterward to practice, play Guardian condensed audio in down time, with audiodramas follow subs when possible, when immersing with anything try L-R like strategies to add practice with both skills). 

[vierafication]

Last night around 4 am, I reblogged a certain post about "villainous rp" and added my own two cents to what had been discussed within it- mostly just venting about behavior I'd seen in the past. I didn't think much of it until I saw the next day it had been reblogged, and reblogged again, and again, by some folks who seemed pretty unhappy about what I'd said. I was told I needed to get a life, that I clearly can't separate IC and OOC, that maybe I shouldn't be writing at all. That hurt. I was irritated, then, feeling like I'd had words shoved in my mouth, like I was being purposefully misinterpreted. I typed up a clarification post explaining my previous points and pressed send, but it was seemingly ignored.

I talked with @damankjol about it later. He's the best, if you didn't know. And he rp's villains! I don't think he's a sociopath! He's very empathic and honest and understanding and cool, and he helped me realize that people weren't just angry at me, they were genuinely hurt by what I'd written. I went back and reread what I posted, as well as the responses, with a more critical eye. And... yeah. What I typed up wasn't clean, organized, or coordinated. I was venting and the tone that came off was irritated and rude. While not my intention, what I wrote sounded pretty fucking disrespectful and downright mean. And, frankly, my intentions don't matter, anyway, since I wasn't able to convey them properly. I just put some angry bullshit up on tumblr way too late at night, and I didn't expect anybody to even look at it, let alone reblog it- but I should have. Tumblr is a public platform and I should have approached my post the same way I'd approach any other one during the normal hours of the day. Thinking critically is always key, but audience is too- a vent post is a vent post, but I should have thought before I vented about a topic other people were sensitive to, and properly indicate specifics instead of vague generalizations. So, yes, I really wanted to apologize to anyone who that post hurt. I’m genuinely sorry. I should not have generalized like that. It wasn't even my intention in the first place. I was disrespectful and now that I think about it, incredibly hypocritical to boot. So yeah. I really am sorry. I respect @damankjol and @miqojak a lot as writers, and it would never be my intention to tear them down. Or anybody else, for that matter- rp only works when you rp with others, after all.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I hope you won't hate me for eternity or anything. Storytime and critical analysis under the cut.

One of my first, and worst, experiences in the ffxiv rp community was a good couple years ago. I was describing my character to a “friend,” and that character happened to be Lionnet Blodoint, my Ishgardian chirurgeon. Lionnet was not a good person by a long shot, to begin with, and from his time serving during the Dragonsong War, he’d developed quite a bit of PTSD relating to any and all things draconic. He hated dragons. He didn’t even like Au Ra. “Wow,” said the so-called friend at the time. “Your character is a nazi.”

“What? No!” I exclaimed. I tried to explain that he was NOT a nazi, he was just a traditionalist Ishgardian who hated dragons because they had been, at one point in time, absolutely hell-bent on destroying his home and everything he knew. I thought it was a pretty reasonable character trait to hate, or at least fear, dragons after serving in the Dragonsong War. The core of how I’d planned to develop him would be overcoming or at least coming to terms with his trauma, and no longer seeing it in every dragon or Au Ra he met. “No,” they said. “Your character is terribly written. They’re awful and nobody would ever want to rp with them. They’re boring because they’re so full of negative traits. They’re racist and thus, a nazi. And you are just as bad, because you’re defending them! You’re a nazi too!”

So yeah, they are NOT my friend anymore. But that whole convo really stuck with me, and I was afraid to bring out Lio afterwards- it took me another year before I actually began to use him in rp. And he turned out wonderful! His story became one of my favorite rp character stories of all time, and he had great relationship development and a happy ending. He’s still around, canonically, but I have a different main toon now.

So it shocks me that what that person told me about Lio is more or less the same as what I wrote in that post. I’m honestly dumbfounded at how I could just casually type that up and post it, when it draws so many parallels to the way I was bullied back then. So yeah. Huge hypocrisy right there. I swore to never act like that. And to an extent, I suppose I have. But that post I made was pretty fucking close- just directed at a vaguely generalized audience instead of a singular person and character. Maybe that’s actually worse. And I am sorry. I guess because it wasn’t directed at anyone but the void (even the op’s url doesn’t exist anymore), I just didn’t think about it. Which sounds like a lame-ass excuse, but... it’s true. I just wasn’t thinking. I was just venting. It’s really fucking with me that I could’ve hurt somebody so much completely unintentionally, to be honest.

So, what did I say- or, to be more clear, what was I attempting to say? What was my intention, and what wasn’t? I’m going to go over that now, more for my benefit than anyone else’s. Please note that I am not trying to make excuses or shove any blame elsewhere. I am just trying to clarify what I meant and address the issues that made my post so negative, for my own sake.

To begin, I’m gonna link this post by @lilac-memorials. It goes into detail about the trouble with “villain” discourse, and addresses a number of issues from a much more unbiased standpoint, far more eloquently than I could. Also, it seems to reference (the worse) parts of my posts at some points, or maybe I’m just paranoid. Regardless, it’s a much better post than the trainwreck that was the original one, and I agree with every bit of it. It also addresses the difference between a “villain” and an “antagonist,” which is something I attempted to go into but failed miserably.

Anyhoo. My post began with this paragraph:

Seriously. I do not trust anyone who refers to themselves as a “villain” rper. A character can take an antagonistic role in another character’s story arc, that’s fine, that works. It goes back to the “everyone is the hero of their own story” sorta thing. But playing a villain, only as a villain… what’s the point in that? It’s just someone roleplaying as an evil asshole that expects to be treated as stronger than other characters, expects to be feared. It reads like some twisted power fantasy. It doesn’t sound fun and it sure isn’t fun for the people rping with you. Like dude, calm down.

To begin with, yes, I am indeed a little distrustful of people who label their characters first and foremost as villains, before anything else. I am more suspicious of engaging in rp with them than I am with other types of characters, because I have seen some pretty crappy villains out and about and I just don’t wanna deal with that. Next, I go on to try to draw the line between a villain and an antagonist, and how I am much less suspicious of “antagonistic” characters than straight-up “villain” characters. “But playing a villain, only as a villain... what’s the point in that?” I ask. Very rudely. Insinuating that their is no point whatsoever in playing a villain. Which I didn’t intend to. But honestly, I don’t know how else that would’ve translated- I don’t know what I was thinking. I go on to describe this “villain” as somebody who is an evil asshole with a power fantasy, and how it ruins fun for anybody. Which can be read very easily as saying “all villains are like this.” No, they are not! I was describing the bad type of villain rper. The rper who “plays a villain, only as a villain,” and not as a character. Do you get what I mean now? The controlling, toxic, power-hungry rper that plays a villain as an outlet to be further controlling, toxic, and power-hungry, moreso than they ever could in reality. We all know that type of person exists. We’ve met them, somewhere. Sometimes they aren’t playing the villain at all, anyway. They’re playing the hero, or somebody else entirely. But here, I am just venting about that type of person. They are what my post is about. The key line should’ve been “playing a villain, only as a villain,” but it was shoved into a passive-aggressive question addressing self-worth instead of a proper sentence describing the difference between a well-written villain and a badly-written villain. And thus the post begins as if it had been rudely addressed to all villain rpers everywhere, labeling them as the evil asshole with a power fantasy, instead.

Next is: Anyway hot take but maybe the reason people kept trying to “redeem” and “change” OP’s character is because their character is boring af!

Yeahhhh, that one’s just mean. And, given the first paragraph, easily able to seen as an attack saying that if you are a villain rper, your character is boring af. They’re not! The op’s post is a little much, to be honest, and I guess I thought I was feeling spicy at 4 am. Now I think I must’ve just been being mean. Aurelia explains what’s wrong with the initial post here, though, instead of trying and failing to poke fun at it in that special pseudo-mean tumblr way like I did.

Lastly, Like, honestly! Play a character as a foil to another, play to fucked up ideas about morality, play an antagonist arc to a protagonist character, play a character who makes bad decisions. But don’t play a “villain.” Don’t play a character whose core personality traits are simply being cruel/evil. Don’t play a character whose sole focus is to kill npcs, be scary, and lord over other players’ characters. Don’t play a character who never develops or changes, and doesn’t facilitate change in other characters. Just don’t be an asshole edgelord. Don’t be flat and one dimensional. Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead.

Honestly, I think this is the most clear part of my entire post, and also the worst, at the end there. I just am listing off behaviors that this figurative “bad villain rper” exhibits, and what offsets them. Play a villain that’s complex, had depth, nuance! I’m saying don’t play the “villain,” and then listing off what this specific hypothetical villain is. The opposite of deep and nuanced. The “bad villain rper” type the whole post is a vent about.

Then comes the dreaded “ Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead. “ The villainous power fantasy. No, I do not think everyone who rp’s villains is like this. Yes, I believe there are people like this, who are INCREDIBLY few and far between, and if they solely use rp as an outlet to harass others both ICly and OOCly, that is bad! And maybe they should get help! And even, then, that was only half-serious! But therapy is a serious subject and I should have known better, and done better. Did all of that come off as intended? Hell no! Instead, it was the final nail in the coffin.

So! That’s what I was trying to say. Badly-written villains are a pain. If I had written up a post like I am now, with this long-ass thing, actually trying to be eloquent and clear. Not 4 am word vomit. This 4 am word vomit instead has gotten me to be read and interpreted as:

-being completely unable to separate character and player to the point where i think every villain’s player is a Real Life Bad Person and/or needs mental help

-saying all villains are boring because they’re not heroes, and thus are incapable of being complex and nuanced

-saying people who play dark/antagonistic characters are, in general, living out their fucked up power fantasy through them

-thinking that villainous characters are incredibly boring and just plain terrible

No! None of that is what I think! Absolutely none! I’m not going to go in and refute each of those claims, because, like I said, I’m not trying to make excuses here. But I WILL end this thing with what I do think of villainous characters and their players:

They’re fucking great, okay? A good story is made a gazillion times better by having a good villain in it, be the story a book, a movie, or an rp scenario. Well-written villain rpers are a TREASURE, and need to be appreciated! It is often harder to find rp with antagonistic toons, to begin with, and their players may find themselves getting shit on more often than others, which should absolutely not be the case. Characters that are complex and deep and nuanced are great no matter what their alignment is.

There ARE some pretty shitty villain rpers out there, too. And, in my own personal experience, they tend to be much more obnoxious than shitty hero rpers. A badly written hero will ruin a villain’s rp. A badly written villain may well try to ruin everybody around them’s rp.

Badly written villains suck. They’re the worst. And they make things worse for those that dedicate a lot of time and effort to crafting complex and cleverly written, compelling villains! Badly written villains are something I can and will complain about, just as well-written villains are something that I can and will praise. But I’ll try not to complain or vent on this platform anymore, to start.

And I do NOT blend IC and OOC. That’s the rper’s taboo! I will critique others who do it, though, which ironically is what I was sort of trying to do- complain about those specific villain players who do that. But anyway. If you’ve read this far, good for you! This has been way too long.

And. Please. If I do say or do something that hurts you in the future, regardless of what type of post it is, talk to me! Tell me what’s up! Thank you!

[mlqclucien]

Lucien Fanfiction: Distraction (SFW)

[This is my second fanfic for Lucien. I’m really happy I can get back into writing fanfiction, I haven’t written anything in weeks and I needed this. Plus I’m sick and have nothing else to do but make Lucien fan blush ;)]

Okay ENJOY. I almost exploded writing. Whew!

***

MC’s eyes are glued to the screen as she types away at her computer. She has a show report due by the end of the week and she had already lost a bit of time. Earlier in the week, MC has been working in her room, writing a draft and kept hearing noises in the walls. When she called the landlord about the issue, it was discovered that there was an infestation. She would have to stay out of her room for a few days until it was dealt with. For the past 24 hours, she’s been staying with Lucien, who didn’t hesitate to welcome her to his home. She was hesitant at first, since the only other time they had shared a room was during their vacation, but so far, Lucien had made her feel right at home. He chose to sleep on the couch while she took the bed (though he was insistent that he had no problem sharing~). He even moved some stuff around to give her a comfortable place for her to do her work. He really did look after her well. 

MC yawns loudly, takes a sip of coffee and continues typing. Looking over at the clock on screen, she noticed it was nearing 10pm. This means two things, 1) Lucien should be getting back from the lab soon and 2) MC’s bedtime was right around the corner. She felt her eyelids get heavier and heavier.

“I’ll just close my eyes for a second.” She says, pushing the keyboard forward and laying into her folded arms. She passed out in seconds without even realizing it.

The door handle begins to jiggle as the clock hits 10:30pm. Lucien enters the room, the door handle in one hand and his suitcase in another. The neuroscientist takes a deep breath, loosens his tie, exhales slowly, and drops his suitcase to the ground, exhausted from the long day. He takes off his shoes, gently kicking them to the side. Looking over to the corner of the room, he noticed MC, fast asleep at her desk. His eyes widen in surprise, still not used to her staying at his home, but smiles and tries to be more silent. He shuts the door gently, locking it as quietly as he can. He removes his lab coat, hanging it on the coat hanger near the door, and walks over to the sleeping girl.

“You’re sleeping habits are truly terrible.” He chuckles to himself. “But... I can’t deny how cute you are, Silly.” He stares at her for a couple minutes, watching her lovingly. As bad as it was to have her room infested, he couldn’t help but be happy that he could be able to come home to a cute girl every night after work. He shakes his head and smiles, debating whether or not to wake her up. He looks at the screen and sees the “Due By” date on the document. Being that whatever she is working on is due soon, he figures waking her is probably the best option. But really, the work is just an excuse, he just wants to be able to be able to greet her properly.

Lucien touches MC’s shoulder and gives it a small shake, making her jolt up. MC sits up, her eyes clouded and her heart racing from the shock. Before even noticing the man beside her, MC sees the cup of coffee, grabs it, gulps it down and starts typing as if she had never stopped.

“Hm, so I can’t even get a ''hello” when I return from work?'' The scientist says, disappointment in his voice but a grin on his face. “That really hurts my feelings.” MC jumps at his voice and turns around, finally noticing him.

“Oh my god! Lucien, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there!” she explains frantically. “I was working all day and I wanted to take a nap earlier but I just had to finish up some things and run some errands and… I didn’t mean to-” Lucien stands closer to her and pats her head, making her stop talking.

“Don’t worry, you don’t need to panic.” He assures her with a grin. “I’ll let you get back to your work, you seem to be very invested in it. You can make it up to me later.”

“Oh, thank you so muc- wait, what do you mean “make it up to you”?”

Lucien walks toward the bathroom, ignoring her question.

“I’m going to go take a shower real quick.” He tells her, shutting the door.

MC nods at him slowly. She instantly focuses back on her work and starts typing once again. The sound of the shower running could be heard. MC feels a bit distracted by this. The thought of being in the same room as him while he’s showering. Her face heats up just thinking about it.

(NO! Stop that! This is totally normal. Don’t be embarrassed! Focus on your work.)

A few minutes go by and the bathroom door opens, making the sound of the shower more audible. MC looks over as a reflex. Lucien is standing there, dripping water head to toe, with nothing but a black towel around his waist. MC immediately turns back around and covers her eyes with her hands.

“I’M S-SO SORRY! I just heard the door open and-”

“No, no I’m sorry! I forgot my robe and I just needed to grab it from the bedroom real quick.” Lucien explains, quickly walking to the other side of the apartment. He goes in and shuts the door. MC heart begins to race, still recovering. 

(Oh man, this is all my fault. I should have just stayed in a hotel for a few days. Now I’m just making him uncomfortable!). She uncovers her eyes and looks at the document open on her computer screen again, trying to regain focus. Her fingers tried to type, but her mind wasn’t completely calm yet. 

(It’s fine, I’ve seen him without a shirt once, at the beach… it’s not like I haven’t seen that before… NO NO, this is completely different! He was in a towel! He was technically wearing NOTHING! Oh god, maybe I should just go back to my room and hope the gas they’ve used can knock me out.) 

The bedroom door slowly opens, making MC freeze up. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Lucien clad in a deep red robe. She doesn’t dare look over. (Nope, nuh uh.)

“I’m so sorry about that. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” Lucien says to her.

“No! No! I’m sorry. I’ve come into your home. It must be really uncomfortable for you. Maybe I should go stay with a friend so I won’t be in your way.” His footsteps approach her, but she still doesn’t turn around. While he’s behind her, he places his hands on her shoulders.

“You don’t make me uncomfortable in the least. You can stay here as long as you need to. (Or longer if you’d like).”

“I-I only need to stay until Friday.” He smiles to himself and let’s her shoulders go.

“I’ve distracted you enough. I promise I’ll let you get back to your show report.”

“No no you’re fine, you’re not distracting me at all.”

“Hm… I see.” He says quietly, but loud enough for MC to hear.

(What did that mean? Oh never mind that, Come on, let’s finish this report!)

Almost half an hour passes before the sound of the shower stops.

(Wow, he takes really long showers.) MC thinks to herself. The door opens. In the corner of her eye is a robe clad Lucien with a towel on his head. Her own curiosity makes her want to look over a little more, but she shakes her head and looks back at the screen, typing away. Lucien walks across the apartment again towards the bedroom. 

(Hm, he’s probably gonna get dressed for bed. Does he normally go to sleep at this time? Wait, does he actually sleep at all? What does he wear to bed I wonder…. WAIT?! I DON’T WANNA KNOW THAT?! Why did I think that? Come on, focus!!!). Lucien walks out of the bedroom and shuts it behind him. He’s wearing a black t-shirt,long black pajama pants and tan-coloured house shoes.

“Focus!” She scolds herself out loud, not realizing how loud she was. She covers her mouth quickly. Lucien can’t help but overhear this and starts quietly chuckling. He walks over and places his arms around MC’s shoulders, catching her off guard.

“Lucien! Sorry, you startled me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He says. A few seconds go by and he still hasn’t moved or said anything. MC is confused, but decided to just continue typing. “What are you working on exactly?” Lucien asks her.

“Um, well, uh… ahem, just a report for the next show. It’s due soon so I have to spend as much time as I can on it.”

“What’s the episode about?”

“Oh, well, there’s a family we want to interview. They believe each one of them has a different super power. They have a newborn baby, they are worried because since their powers all vary, they have no idea what the baby’s could be.”

“That’s really interesting. I’m sure that will be a popular episode, Families all over Loveland would want to tune in.”

“Aww thank you. I feel pretty confident in this one.”

(He’s still got his arms around me… maybe he just forgot… should I say something? I mean, it’s not bad, but…). MC feels Lucien lean in closer, resting his head on her shoulder. 

“How close are you to finishing, considering the deadline?” His voice is quite close to her ears and they can’t help but turn red. She reaches up to scratch her ear, hoping to make it stop.

“Well, this is just a draft right now. I’ll finalize it tomorrow once I’ve finished. Then I have to have someone go through and see if it’s okay before I turn it in. So, a lot of steps”

“Oh I see, this is quite the important paper...”

“Mmhmm.” She says, half ignoring him while she types. She nears the end of a paragraph and tries to decide how to conclude.

“But is it more important than me?” He whispers into her ear, pulling her closer to him. MC jumps, making her coffee cup tip and almost fall over. “Oh dear… did I startle you again? Sorry about that...”

(What?! Of course you did!)

“N-no, I’m sorry, you just caught me off guard... Ahem, where was I…?”

“You didn’t answer my question?”

“Lucien I-” MC sighs. “No, it’s not MORE important. Um, you both are important. But, um, once I finish, then we can, like, hang out if you want.”

“I understand.” He says smiling. “Well, go on then.” He removes his hands from her shoulder, making her sigh in relief. But he quickly places them around her waist from behind.

“Lucien…”

“Yes.”

“I need to work…”

“Okay... and?” 

She lets out a giggle at this, but quickly stops herself.

(NO! Do not give in! We don’t have time for this!)

“AND it’s hard to do so with you… so close.”

“Oh, so, you’re saying I’m making it hard for you to focus?” 

In the darker parts of the screen, she can see his reflection and he has a big smirk on his face. “I’m not distracting you am I? Hm?”

(Oh god, he’s doing this on purpose, UGH!)

“No, I don’t mind having you here! It’s just that, um, if you could...”

“Uh huh?” He begins to nuzzle into the nape of her neck, making her blush deeper.

“I… um… uh… it’s just...”

“ ‘I… um… it’s just…?’ ” He echoes mockingly. “What’s wrong, cat got your silly little tongue?”

“No! Just, be quiet...” She whines, placing her hands back on the keyboard.

“You seem quite tense, maybe you should take a break.” He is no longer containing his chuckling.

(Oh man… maybe I could just take a little break... NO! We have to be firm and direct!)

“Ahem. Lucien, I can’t do this right now. I cannot take a break. This paper is important-”

“And I’m not?” He asks in her ear again. She shudders involuntarily, making him laugh with satisfaction.

“No y-you are, but I made a plan to finish this tonight and finalize it tomorrow and I just can’t right now. But we can, um, do this some other time.” He squeezes me tighter in his arms

“I’m not doing anything to keep you from typing. If you want to work, please feel free.”

MC realizes there’s nothing else she can do and decides to just try and continue working.

(Maybe he’ll eventually get bored and leave).

Each time MC makes a spelling or grammar error and has to backspace makes Lucien chuckle. She’s completely distracted no matter how hard she tries to ignore him.

“You still owe me from earlier.” He says in a low voice.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I came back from a long, hard day of work, finally able to come home to a cute girl and here I find you, fast asleep at your desk.”

“I’m sorry, I was just tire-”

“And then when you wake up, you don’t even greet me. No “hello”, no hug, not even smile. *sigh* Poor me.”

He’s still smiling, she can hear it in his voice.

“I said I was sorry,” MC apologizes, letting out a nervous laugh.

“You can still make it up to me by leaving this project for tomorrow and focusing on me instead.”

“Not now. Later.”

“Nope, now.”

“LA-TER.” She bites her lip to avoid grinning, but it’s no use.

“You know what’s interesting?”

“What now?” MC asks, nervously laughing again.

“You been on this same paragraph since I took my shower.”

MC freezes up. She looks at her document to double check.

(What? No I wrote more… oh wait he’s right. Nothing sounded right so I just kept backspacing. And I was so distracted I actually didn’t even make any progress. Crap! Damn him and his observation skills).

“Oh, was I right?” He places a kiss in her neck, sucking it a bit to leave a mark, making her let out a squeak. “What was that? Was that you? Silly girl.”

“.....”

(… fine…. you win. You jerk...)

He kisses her again, except on the cheek this time, humming happily to himself.

“Ugh, so, that  “I forgot my robe” thing” was planned wasn’t it?” The keyboard now is nothing but a place for her hands to rest. She pushes it forward and sets her hands on the desk. The monitor turns black as there has been no activity.

“Why do you say that?” He asks, kissing her neck again. She held back a moan to his dissatisfaction.

“Cause I know you. Plus you have photographic memory, obviously.” He smirks and kisses below her ear. She lets out a small whimper after trying to hold back.

“So you were distracted that whole time?”

“No!”

“Aw don’t lie.”

 “I’m not! I wrote a sen...tence or two. I was just more worried that I was being a burden than anything else.”

“A burden? Oh no, quite the opposite.” He kisses her neck between words. “I *kiss* enjoy *kiss* having *kiss* you here *kiss*.”

(Okay… Crap… Why is he so sweet...? I’ll just... leave this project for another time… god, I promised myself I wouldn’t procrastinate this time… UGH, Damn it Lucien., why are you this way?).

MC turns the office chair to face Lucien. He smiles victoriously as he lifts her out of the chair and into his arms. MC wraps her arms around his neck and presses her lips to his. After kissing for a minute or two Lucien quickly places MC back onto the ground and puts his hands in his pockets.

(Huh? Wait, what?)

“I’m so sorry,” Lucien says apologetically, his fingers pressing his brows together. “But we’ll have to continue some other time. I’m afraid I’m still quite busy. You can go back and do your work now if you’d like.” 

MC just stares at him, her mouth agape, not hiding her shock at all. This causes Lucien to laugh out loud, holding his stomach and cover his mouth with his other hand. MC turns even redder and crosses her arms.

“I was just joking, silly girl. I didn’t imagine you’d look so stunned.” He starts to crack up once more.

“Ugh! Shut up will you. You are so annoying…” He smiles at her, holds her in his arms and kisses her lips again. MC gives in and returns it, finding her arms around his neck again, as if they belonged there. He picks her up in his arms again, not breaking the kiss.

“Maybe you’d have…  finished before... I came back... if you hadn’t fallen asleep... Silly.” Lucien says between kisses. “You are you’re terrible sleep habits. Tsk tsk tsk.” MC weakly hits his shoulders in retaliation, making him laugh lightly.

“Stop… talking… you...”

Lucien walks with her in his arms toward the bedroom.

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 141

Sorry it took a week oof. Not even more content, just the usual lol

Honorable mentions:

Neither John nor Sera got a mango boba drink thing and that makes me sad

John looked so innocent this episode wow

John talking about his motivations for becoming joker cleansed my soul

Sometimes i really like that UnOrdinary doesn’t have any romance because it would take away from the amazing plot, but damn. Sera and John this episode…

Didn’t really write a lot on Sera because she’s just been saying the same stuff on repeat for weeks, just none of the other characters are paying attention to her R.I.P.

“I’ll keep fighting back. Just like you! You don’t have to do it alone anymore!” -Sera. Rip out my heart why don’t ya (or more accurately John’s heart)

Darren cleans UP (his hAIR haha)

But on a more important note, how tf are doc and leilah gonna affect the plot. I’m waiting

And yet again, chronological order

Blyke:

    Blyke has really grown on me lemme say.

    In this episode, Blyke is sad, upset, but most of all, he’s deflated. He’s accepted defeat, he knows that he is weak and will always be. This is such a sad thing to read after that episode of him and Arlo talking about the responsibilities of the king. Then, Blyke was worried he wouldn’t be up to the task. Knowing how he felt before, it’s just really hard to read that what he was worried about happened. It’s even worse to know that he tried to believe Arlo who said that he would be able to do the right thing or conquer the problem if he needed to. Even through his fear, Blyke listened to Arlo and because of that he went after Joker. (this [every] paragraph has bad writing but bear with me)

    Recently, Blyke had become one of my favorite characters. I used to kind of get bored whenever he was involved because whatever he was doing was insignificant, but more than that, it had no feeling. We never knew who Blyke was or how he thought in the past. It’s a shame that we’ve been let into most other character’s heads before Blyke’s and it had caused a lot of fans to kind of neglect him or just not acknowledge his character as much as the other’s. That’s understandable though (because like I said, his character wasn’t really expressed till now). Now that we have been let into Blyke’s head, however, we see his ambitions and his personality. While Blyke always came off as that nonchalant, popular jock, with his new insight, we get to see that he is also insecure about his abilities and scared to have a lot of responsibility put onto him. Just like that, he’s become a person.

    Watching Blyke talk to John this episode was really tough for me because of how much he tried. He promised John that he would take Joker down and he promised Arlo that he would be prepared to stay on top, despite his own internal struggle and worries. Him confronting John about what happened and admitting to both John and himself that he was too weak was so powerful. Blyke’s character has always been about power. I don’t mean that he wants in, but every bit of plot he’s been in, he’s only been included because of the ability he possessed, not really his ideas or personality. Him admitting that he is no longer that person, even if it’s only this small admission to John, must be so difficult for his character because everything he’s been raised to be and everything he’s strived to become has been contradicted. This reminds me of what Arlo and Seraphina went through (mostly Sera). Arlo because of the realization (more of a confirmation in Blyke’s case) that he really isn’t untouchable. Mostly Seraphina because of how he takes it. They both grow sad with the realization that they aren’t enough. Though I’m not too sure if I can compare Seraphina’s and Blyke’s situations because of their different natures. Obviously Blyke didn’t lose his powers. I had a point. Where was I going with this…? (idk)

    That last couple of panels though leave me wondering. Blyke thinks, “Damn it! If only I were stronger!” Is he going to try to get stronger? How is he going to do that? Train? Power enhancement drug? (please).

John:

    You can really tell that what John wants isn’t total control over Wellston. He doesn’t want what he had at New Bostin. He doesn’t want the consequences he know it will likely bring. In this episode, John says, “Besides, I’d rather just spend time like this! Away from the other students and away from all the school’s nonsense.” Those aren’t the sentences of an antagonist who enjoys hurting people or the life he lives. John isn’t the stereotypical bad guy. I am very grateful for that. You know, John used to be my favorite character. I would’ve been kind of disappointed if he was written off as this total ass and irredeemable. Because that’s not who is. He’s a guy trying to do his best for everyone. That’s why he has to fight everyone. Doing so will plant doubt into Arlo’s hierarchy and therefore, hopefully create a world safer for low-tiers. Because I really believe that to be John’s motive now. Though he’s really being portrayed as the villain right now, he’s trying to do what he thinks is best and the only way he can achieve that is by fighting, at least for him, a cripple that nobody would listen to if he just tried to solve his problems with words (without revealing himself because that would create more problems). I don’t know. His situation is really complicated and I love that. It’s realistic, creates great storytelling, and leaves room for more development for his character. Thank you and goodnight.

[spectrumscribe]

whats wrong w 2012 mikey?

This is a complicated question and thus requires a relatively longanswer. (Long post, apologies.)

2012 Mikey is actually my favorite Mikey out of them all,even if that post I made might mislead people on that fact. While I adore someof the other iterations, he’s just so much more complex than them in hisoverall characterizations; even though the writers didn’t actually mean tomake him that way.

He’s thoughtless, detached, and really quite uncaring attimes. His personal goals are very rarely other peoples’, and he’s neverterribly interested in problems beyond his own. He doesn’t mourn for losseslonger than a day, maybe less; he takes and steals from others with littleforethought or afterthought of how it might affect them; he’s all around quitedestructive to individuals that come into contact with him, and when he isn’t,he doesn’t pay much mind to someone else hurting them unless they’re hisfavorite person of the night.

2012 Mikey seems bubbly and sweet to most people I’m sure,but he’s actually very sociopathic in moments.

Now, if you follow my blog and writing, which you, anon,likely do, you’ll know my personal views of the Hamato family situation. Which is,in a word, shitty.

In Mikey’s corner of the family dynamic he is 1) used as apunching bag pretty often, 2) ignored or brushed off constantly, 3) called anidiot, moron, etc. etc. and demeaned by literally his whole family, 4) very,very rarely taken seriously in any manner, and when he is, its quicklyforgotten afterwards. Over all he’s a joke, an annoyance to his family, morethan he’s a brother or son. What few victories he’s really gotten are quicklymoved on from, and he’s just… never had a moment that lasted more than thatsingle second of recognition. (Even the writers, in the final fight scene withthe Shredder, couldn’t give him more than three seconds of Badass Ninja Time,jeeze.)

And following that, he’s also gone through a staggering amountof loss throughout canon. His friends, his family, his entire world? At onepoint or another, he lost all of those things, and had to accept the idea thatthere was always a chance he wouldn’t get them back. Ever. That does a numberon a kid, even when they’ve got a good safety net to catch them in the fallout.

Circling back to my first paragraph, I think everything I justlisted is why he’s grown into such an indifferent individual. Why get attachedto things or people if he’s so likely to lose them anyways, or be demeaned forbeing attached to them in the first place? Why take anything seriously if noone takes him seriously? Why try tobe anything more than the youngest/most immature when no one expects anythingelse of him?

(I had that mentality on and off throughout my high schoolyears. It’s a rough mentality to have, but sometimes necessary.)

2012 Mikey is a caring individual only when he feels likeit, a dependable friend only when he chooses to be, a respectful and kindperson only on the rarest occasion. He can and has been those things multipletimes in canon, but he has also willfully or uncaringly been a destructivepresence. Messing around in Donnie’s lab, even though he’s been specificallytold to never do so; making adisaster mess in the farmhouse and then refusing to take responsibility for itor even clean it up; forgetting/ignoring the mission task at hand becausesomething or someone who’s shiny and new catches his attention. Multiple otherscenes similar to those, but I can’t recall off the top of my head.

And added onto all those things, he’s actually really quitescary. Sure, from our perspective, him cracking jokes and laughing and smilingall through fight scenes and big showdowns is entertaining, but from the enemy’sperspective it’s gotta be flat out viscerally unsettling. Like, who are you gonna be scared of more? The monsterthat’s taking the fight and you seriously or the one that’s laughing at you as he tries to cave inyour skull and probably succeeds in doingso.

He is the lastperson I’d want to face in a fight, given he is the most morally grey brotherof the bunch, and probably won’t care if that concussion he’s given you willcause internal bleeding or not.

(Adding onto how he behaves in a fight- sometimes it’s justeasier to treat a really scary situation as a joke. Sometimes it’s just easierto smile and laugh instead of take in the gravity of things. Sometimes cheerand a smile is more so armor than genuine happiness. Maybe it’s a littlecontradictive to my argument of him being sociopathic, but maybe it’s also not.Smile and laugh so the reality of things doesn’t settle in; smile and laughbecause you just don’t care. Take your pick.)

Mikey cares for a very small handful of people, and thathandful of people can change nightly depending on who he likes or not; AKA who’sthe most fun or willing to have funwith him. He’s loyal to the bone to family, sure, but he also gives zero shitsabout their problems or little issues. Or big issues and problems, given howmany times huge clusterfucks have passed over his awareness and he’s barelyblinked.

A lot of this rounds back to how he’s been raised. He’snever been the favorite son given all the inheritance, the son that’s most liketheir father for all the wrong reasons and paid the most (negative) attentionto, or the genius son that everyone can depend on. He’s the youngest. He’s thejoke. The goofball people never take seriously. He’s been told over and overhis opinion is stupid, or wrong, or just plain useless. He’s been told that he’s stupid, wrong, and plain useless. Howmany times has he been singled out as the unwanted brother? The kid picked lastfor everything? His emotional value in the family is a starkly small one, evento Donnie, who is frequently also socially/emotionally devalued. Mikey is verymuch the things he portrays and accepts in his role as the team joke, but he isalso a kid that’s probably never felt truly respected or wanted in anysituation, ever.

Even the scant compliments he got, all the way back inseason 1 and even more scantly onwards- were backhanded ones. The one thatstands out best is his own father’s comment about him ‘not thinking’, and thusbeing a better fighter than Donnie in that auto-reflexes sense. (I can’t recallanother time Splinter compliments Mikey at all, actually. Wow.)

I love Mikey, I really do, and I defend him often because I know that with a better mentor, moresupportive and loving social environment, and just more respect and correctionin general, he’d be an amazing person. He’s got all the raw characteristics tobe a caring individual, he just needs someone to point out where he’s crossingthe line, and where he needs to step up.

But.

I also recognize that for all the reasons I’ve listed sofar, he’s a person who just does not care about other people, not really. My commentabout him being ‘sociopathic garbage’ is based on the fact that he doesn’temotionally attach himself to situations, and tends to just give no fucks aboutanyone besides himself and whoever his favorite people of the day are.

2012 Mikey seems really sweet and innocent to a lot ofpeople, disturbingly large amounts of people, honestly, but I see him as a muchmore complicated character than that. Combined with all the traumas he’s gonethrough, the steadily devolving situation at home, and his social isolation- he’sgrown up to be someone who doesn’t think about the impact of his actions, onlygives a fuck when he actually feels like it, and generally has very littleempathy for anyone at all. (I repeat myself: willful destruction of things hisbrothers and friends are invested in; smiling and joking as he beats you topaste; repeated losses teaching him that holding onto things is relativelypointless; never valued or respected in his own home.)

2012 Mikey is my favorite Mikey because of all this. He’sdarling, he’s garbage, he’s loving and he’s awful. He’s a shitty person, anamazing person, and an incredibly intricate character. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but he’s certainly not a good one. But people are rarely solelyone thing like that anyways, so who cares. Whether the writers meant to or not,they created a complex and interesting character that has multiple levels tohim. More folks would get that if they’d look deeper than the surface facets tohis presented personality.

A lot is wrong with him, and god knows he has reason forthat wrongness, but I’ve always tended to drift towards characters like thatanyways. After all, like attracts like, and I see more than a couplepersonality traits I share with him.

[shewpthewewp]

State of the Shewp

Haven’t done one of these for a while.  But I’m up late and feeling ramble-y, so here we go!  We’re gonna get weird. Maybe.  Depending on what you consider weird.

Starting off easy with some reading recs.

Oathbringer, the third book in Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archive dropped earlier this month.  It’s the usual Sanderson experience, which means I loved every word of it.  I won’t talk too much about it because we’re already nearly 3,000 pages into the series BEFORE this book and it adds another ~1400, so I can’t really do it justice in a few paragraphs.  If you want to get into Brandon’s works (specifically, the books in the Cosmere setting) I would start with Warbreaker.  

The other thing I wanted to mention regarding Cosmere stuff is that reading this  has left me very hungry for a Cosmere-setting tabletop game.  I played in a Mistborn game in college and I’d be all over something set on Roshar (or Scadrial, or Sel, or... anywhere really).  Also really wanting to cosplay something Cosmere-related.  Anastasia suggested Vin & Elend, which I think we could pull off.  I’ll toss it into the ‘I will probably never do this because it would take effort’ pile, but you never know!

The sequel to WORM is out!  It’s titled WARD.  I haven’t started it yet because I am waiting for a larger backlog to be written (also Oathbringer devoured my reading time.  As a friend told me, she THICC).  I talked a bit about WORM in a previous post, so check that out if you want to know more.

I also discovered the genre of LitRPG recently.  It’s an umbrella term for any fiction that features RPG-like elements - i.e. classes, levels, etc.  It also frequently features isekai-like themes, like modern-world protagonists dropped into a fantasy setting.  Unfortunately, these things also mean that it has an overly-large share of garbage tropes like stupidly overpowered protagonists and blatant wish-fulfillment, but not to a significant degree more than most other types of fiction or fanfiction.  Three pieces of fiction in this genre that I enjoyed the most:

The Wandering Inn (summary from the website) -  An inn is a place to rest, a place to talk and share stories, or a place to find adventures, a starting ground for quests and legends.  In this world, at least. To Erin Solstice, an inn seems like a medieval relic from the past. But here she is, running from Goblins and trying to survive in a world full of monsters and magic. She’d be more excited about all of this if everything wasn’t trying to kill her.  But an inn is what she found, and so that’s what she becomes. An innkeeper who serves drinks to heroes and monsters – Actually, mostly monsters. But it’s a living, right?  This is the story of the Wandering Inn.

This story seems to have been written specifically to go against the grain of some of the negative tropes I mentioned before.  A world full of classes and levels, and our protagonist ends up as an Innkeeper. The first couple chapters are a bit rough, but I think the author finds their stride pretty quickly after that and things pick up across book 1.  Yes, book ONE.  There are two full-length, complete books in this series and a third is well underway.  Check it out!

Worth the Candle (summary from the website) -  From the age of nine, Juniper Smith began filling notebooks with his worlds, at first places of fantastical imagination, but later with each as an expression of some theme or idea that momentarily grabbed his interest. Over the course of eight years, he shared these worlds with his friends through twice-weekly sessions of tabletop gaming. Now at the age of seventeen, he finds himself in Aerb, a world that appears to be an amalgam of those many notebooks, stuck trying to find the answers to why he's there and what this world is trying to say. The most terrifying answer might be that this world is an expression of the person he was back on Earth.

I have absolutely loved this so far.  The story is frequently intermixed with flashbacks to the protagonists tabletop sessions (where he GM’d) and it talks a lot about what makes a good character and how to run a game.  The only negative for me is that it’s incomplete and the author updates sporadically (but when they do update, they tend to post quite a bit).  It is broken up into several ‘books’ that are mostly completed plot arcs, but unlike the Wandering Inn I think this is still very, VERY early on in its overall length (if I had to guess).

Finally, I’m a Spider, So What? is a translated web serial or light novel (I’m honestly not 100% sure which).  It’s also slowly being converted into a manga, I think?  Either way, the premise is that a class of students gets murder-blasted into another dimension by an evil demon lord.  Most of the class ends up as humans with bright futures and mysterious powers, but one ends up as a spider in the depths of one of the most dangerous dungeons on the planet.  Funny and very engaging, though the translation threw me for a loop sometimes.  It’s also not fully translated and it seems like a bunch of different people are all translating it and are are different parts.  A less serious suggestion than my previous two, but enjoyable nonetheless.  

Moving on to slightly more personal stuff!  Ooooooo weird ooooooo!

Still engaged to Anastasia!  Current plan is to get married in Hell, Michigan in late 2018.  They have cute little invitations that say “A marriage that starts in Hell can only go up!” (or something like that).  It will be a very small event, I think - the ‘chapel’ there can hold maybe 15 people, counting us and the officiant, so that’s pretty much going to be only family.  We’re planning to have a larger reception/party afterwards instead.

Getting close to finishing the second RPG I am GM’ing.  It’s an original superhero setting run in the FATE system.  I lost steam for a while pretty close to the end and started it back up recently, and it’s a relief to do honestly. I missed the characters, the story, the players.  Overall I have really enjoyed my time GMing but I do find it much more stressful than playing.  I think part of the reason I got a bit burnt out at first was because I was trying to run two games and play in at least two others.  I think a good rule of thumb (for me at least) is that running one game takes about the same mental effort/time/etc. as playing in 2-3 others, but maybe it’s just because I’m still (relatively) inexperienced at it.

Still working at the same place (the lava factory).  I asked for a raise recently and was very embarrassed to find out that I had actually gotten a pretty good one a few months ago and never noticed.  In my defense, HR never told me either, but I still should have seen it on my bank statements... Also, starting in January I’ll get THREE WHOLE WEEKS of vacation.  Not sure what to do with that much!

Still seeing a therapist.  Not entirely sure it’s helping me, but I think being open about that is helpful not only to me personally but also just in general to help de-stigmatize therapy and mental health in general (something I’ve always kind of struggled with).

Got a vasectomy.  I kind of want to be a bit more open about it - it would be a big deal if Anastasia and I were going to have a kid and we’d be totally ok with sharing that, so making a permanent decision to NOT have kids should be just as important, right? - but on the other hand it feels like it’s not their business and I feel like most people probably don’t want to hear about my balls.  Not that I’m keeping it a secret or anything either.  Also, after being told many, MANY times that “I’ll change my mind and want kids some day” I kind of want to be able to shoot them down.  Fortunately that didn’t come up at all during Thanksgiving and I wouldn’t have actually been rude like that anyway, but the temptation is there...

Actually taking some decently strong painkillers right now (sorry if I’m  a bit incoherent), since I started getting super sore this evening (and it’s only kind of Anastasia’s fault ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) .  All the external sutures have healed, but the internal stuff still has a way to go.  They cut, cauterize, tie-off and then stitch together the internal bits, so those will take longer to heal.  

If you’re a guy interested in permanent birth control or a lady who’s just plain curious, I’d be more than happy to answer any questions you have!

Not much else going on.  I move from thing to thing and binge - FFXIV for a while, then DOOM, then Overwatch, currently WoW, maybe XCOM next, with books and writing and tabletop gaming sprinkled in between.

That’s all the important stuff for now, I think.  I’m honestly kind of boring.