#why does my brain suck so fucking bad
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I'd love to know who exactly cursed me to always be wrong when I think I confidently know something so I can have some Words™ with them, because living life like this uhhhhhhhhhh really fucking sucks
#//juri speaks#i'm dying squirtle#why does my brain suck so fucking bad#it's doubly annoying when people take it as a gotcha moment to ''um actshually'' me
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
(chuckles) Im so good at reading comprehension and my meat is huge
#porter's lines in the preview..... I am prepared to be correct. and so so smug#cannot believe they touched upon clone politics as well. just. absolutely insane ep#fhjy spoilers#actually Im returning here to bask in what might be with the preview. this place sucks why do you save it?#that question is always so Integral to my writing brain its like being struck with lightning seeing that worded#why do you hold onto the coherence that you do? at what point do you abandon your morals?#why do you save the world? why do you do it again and again?#but very specifically with the bad kids I think itd both hit hard for them to hear it said out loud#that like. yeah! actually none of it ever has to be this way does it. all of it is started by someone and maintained by someone#you can shift the world. this fucking weirdo we're fighting is doing it right now! the door exists!#but also like 5 out of 6 of them would immediately be like fuck OFF my PARENTS LIVE HERE#and also specifically fig and gorgug would kill porter no matter what he says bc they just hate him#and it owns. this bitch should learn the consequences of working with teenagers#also I think shooting those cannons is like the closest riz has ever gotten to a moment of mindfulness#kid was doing self searching n introspection on top of those guns. eugenia got there at the breakthrough#I believe in you baby boy. rob a bank get that tuition the world is your oyster
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
or alternatively dweeb meets other dweeb more news at 11
LIGHT. LIGHT IN HIS EYES. LOOK AT EM BIG OLE EYES. LOOK AT HIM TOUCH HIS JERSEY.
GLORY BE TO THE MIKKSY SIGNED JERSEY RAAAAAAAAA
CanesWear Signing | 7.1.24
#niko mikkola#florida panthers#the mortifying ordeal of being known#you can tell how bad i was shaking from how much the jersey moves in my hands oh it was so serious for me its not even funny#“youre my favourite player thats why” “thank you” girl i would eat concrete for you without any hesitation#“new jersey?” me sweating profusely because i have to admit i had this jersey for a while now in front of his face oh god oh FUCK#“where do you want it? here or here?” “anywhere choose where anywhere” “ill do this way”#behold decision paralysis plus the constitution of a doormat with an awful aim to please vs the assuredness of a bull romping through field#“i mean its your jersey at the end of the day”#he says without thinking because he lacks a brain to mouth filter and immediately wants to slam his head into the nearest hardest object#but its okay it got a little smile out of mikksy so maybe my motor mouth can be used for good#my voice is so hoarse because i stood under for 7 hours and also loudly cheered like never before all throughout those 7 hours yesterday#also a lot of people had tickets for both mikksy and lundy or just lundy so thats why the line was moving slowly#so at one point they went OKAY WHO HAS TICKETS FOR JUST NIKO and i raised my hand like oo oo mee ☝️ and got rushed to the front#also a lot of the stuff he was signing was nonspecific posters and hats or other players jerseys (that already had other signatures on em)#which is why the attendant was like oh sweet jersey! and mikksy was like new jersey? because there werent many people at all#comparatively his signing was priced the lowest at 39 out of all cats players. the highest currently is benny at 60#does it suck his line was shorter. there was surprise when someone toddles in with a mikksy jersey. and that his signing was priced low?#yes ofc but also i didnt have to stand in the heat for long got ushered in faster and my wallet didnt cry so lets not kid ourselves here#there are silver lining to everything but anyways first hockey jersey and first signature on it acquire call that a man on a mission 😎👉👉#long tags i love mikksy i lot you understand right <3#also im never wearing this jersey again so i might as well buy a frame and ANOTHER mikksy jersey#to bad it also has my 30th ani cats patch on it too </3
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ough
#vent post#why can i not. look tbe way i wwnt#starts violently biting adn tearing at the fabrics arounf me#what the.freak!!!#ehy does everything always hurtall the time#tweaking out#gang the demons are getting my ass again#if i suddenly dropped dead that would fix me i think#i feel like such a fucking bitch for being unhappy with my weight because like. idk. is it fatphobic?? ive heard it be called that before#and also other ppl who have similar weights to mine are happy so. why should i not be#i giggle and i laugh and i joke but why am i actuayly like this browgat the freak#alsow hy am i soo fucked in the head#im like “teehee i just got silly as i grew!” HELL NAH. i was a lil fucked in the head as a KID😭😭😭😭😭#i remember going to bed one night and my mom was gonna read a chapter of a book to me and i specifically chose the torture chapter and it#caused a huge argument in the family#and i also drew SO MUCH GORE in elementary school#like girl😭🙏you have never been exposed to this. what is up with u#there are also a bunch of other instances but my vent art back then was also wild. as in more gore#now its just weirdly abstract with bright colors and a lota eyes#lots. lots of eyes.#whwre was i going with this#idk i hate my head. my little fucked up little brain#the way i think is crazy because emotions are usually depicted as scenes or images or feelings(its different than emotion trust)#and theres still blood. theres so much gory shit in my head. like girl get out of there!!! thats not where u belong!!!!!!#and then also the daydreams#ougghh the daydreams....#i hate the daydreams i wabt them to stop so bad but i physically cannot and also they r one of my few sources of comfort ESPECIALLY in#situations i cant get out of or distract myself in any other way#and sometimes its fine but also sometimes they fucking suck and its scary because im not here im THERE and so much shit happens there#lore drop
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Man and I'm gonna a have to go to my damned psychological testing initial interview like this. It sucks ass.
#speculation nation#im an anxious mess bc potential health reasons and also i got stood up.#still dont know why. hard to know when they havent replied all day :]#im scared something happened and im scared it's something i did wrong#and im scared for my fucking health bc it's been doing some weird shit lately.#but i have my initial psychological testing interview in an hour and i dont really know what to expect from it.#i played my samurai game and it was fun i guess but itd be more fun if i wasnt checking discord every 5 minutes#just to be disappointed upon seeing theres Still no fucking reply.#this sucks ass man. this sucks so bad. im trying to not be an asshole about it but it really does hurt.#2 hours later and 0 reply. what the fuck am i supposed to think??? i dont even fucking know.#ive had a pit in my stomach for about 3 hours now and it's not going away.#but im gonna have to go to the damned psychological testing and talk about why my brain's bad. fml.#negative/
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
"Prince of Egypt" is one of those movies the internet has decided that you're not allowed to hate.
Too bad I do!
#i gave this movie so many chances#and every time around the 10th plague I throw my popcorn at the screen and give up#Act 1 makes a big hairy deal about how awful the murder of children was#then our “good guys” do the same thing in Act 3 and nobody says jack or shit#we just breeze on past it#just one scene where Moses was like “WTF GOD?! This wasn't part of the deal!” would have saved it but they didn't do that#don't give me that “they wanted to be respectful to the source material” crap#A. If you were raised nonreligious like I was you would agree that Exodus us just a badly written story (with no historical basis btw)#and B. I'm pretty sure in the source material RAMSES DROWNED!#Why would you change that???#I like Stephen Schwartz but the music in this is just a snore too#the animation is beautiful but the tone is all over the place and the jokes are cringe#i just don't fucking like this movie#I just really don't fucking like this movie#if there ever was a “so good it's bad” movie this would be my pic#in that the quality of the animation distracts people from how fundamentally broken the plot and morality is#no really name one other movie where the hero does the same evil thing he denounced the villain for doing#and the movie doesn't even take a breather to point out the hero's hypocrisy#also I don't know I just don't think “god will kill you for what your parents did” is a good thing to put in a movie FOR CHILDREN#your religion has melted your brains and this movie sucks
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
hmm how do I put this. all media is inherently problematic in some way because the world is what it is and has the history that it has and every societal norm, belief and value pertaining to the past eras of the film industry—and even music and art and writing—will forever reflect in the products and as unfortunate as it is to have the history we do, we fundamentally cannot change that. there is no such thing as unproblematic media and there probably never will be and that’s okay and it doesn’t make you a bad person for enjoying media that might have some problematic or outdated elements, bc again, pretty much everything that we as a society created is going to have some problems.
sometimes media is problematic on purpose, like the entirety of TKAM, but with the intent on addressing the real life problems it reflects within the narrative. same goes for horror films or gore films. like, shockingly you don’t condone murder by watching or enjoying slashers. the point of the entire horror genre is to be scary and disgusting; the point of slasher villains is to be evil and wrong. but at the same time, sometimes you have to take a step back and wonder why a specific person or concept in a horror movie is being depicted as scary and disgusting and wrong and evil, like amputees or mentally ill people and queer people, and see how that reflects the real world—which is basically what the entire point of media literacy and critical thinking and purity culture is.
media literacy and critical thinking and purity culture don’t mean you have to avoid engaging with or enjoying problematic media at all costs. it doesn’t mean completely removing problematic elements from preexisting media and erasing the topics it might address— in fact, both of those things actively dull your critical thinking skills in general—and it especially doesn’t mean you’re suddenly justified in engaging with genuinely morally abhorrent content like lolicon or bestiality (both of which are examples of things typically portrayed in media as gross and wrong, and rightfully so). as much as anyone wants to pretend otherwise, fiction and reality go hand in hand as reflections of one another; reflections of society over time, of a person’s own experiences, etc, and to say that they don’t or that one doesn’t affect the other is quite literally the opposite of media literacy. lastly, to say media literacy or critical thinking aren’t important skills to have or that media should just stop depicting problematic things like violence or death is very very painfully wrong, as again, fiction and reality go hand in hand, and understanding a fictionalized version of reality serves us to better understand our actual reality.
thank you and goodnight
#I just. It’s so insanely simple#cal.txt#media literacy#media stuff#tldr just use your fucking brains#no I am not a proshipper or anything of that sort and I would very much appreciate it if they didn’t touch this post#long post#critical thinking#also I absolutely hate how purity culture is being reworked by actual zoophiles and child predators to justify their abusive behaviors#shut the fuck up and get hospitalized#proship dni#<- extra measures#realistically tags do nothing but my block button sure does#can you tell I’m autistic and this is a special interest of mine#media discussion#problematic media#horror movies#life sucks people die and bad shit happens and that’s okay! that’s part of what being alive is about!#but the less we address and examine why these bad things happen the less we’ll be able to fix them!!! okay!!!!#media tropes#tv tropes
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Anyone else get this thing where you think that you are slowly getting over this fictional character you have a fatass crush on, but then sth happens that makes you start obsessing all over them again?
in my case, that sth is I get dreams about them. some people think its amazing to have that skill, but no its not its so fucking pathetic like PLEASE LET ME DO OTHER SHIT I WANNA DO OTHER SHIT I HAVE A LIFE NO INSTEAD I GO SLEEP WANTING SOME REST AND MY BRAIN GOES HEY WHAT IF YALL MET AND GET TGT :DDDDDD AND I WAKE AND BE LIKE GOD FUCK NO NOT THE FEELINGS AGAIN
#yes this post is about a certain fictional serial killer in mha with a blood quirk#WHY DOES THIS NO NOSE MAN LIVE IN MY BRAIN RENT FREE#i am Unfortunately a stain simp and I hate it#do u know theres. a counter in my blog description up there#that fucking stands for how many times I have dreamed abt stain#yes ITS IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS#NO OTHER FICTIONAL CHARACTER HAS GOTTEN THIS MUCH SCREENTIME IN MY BRAIN LIKE THE SECOND RUNNER UP IS LESS THAN HALF THAT AMT#greetings from the trashpile#i hate that this dum bitch has many qualities I admire and desire in a romantic partner#and is also so morally questionable and DUMB AS FUCK WITH HIS STUPID IDEALS AND PLANS#i would bitch abt his plans like his ideals are understandable but his execution sucks so bad dear god#im so done#im so down bad
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
sucks how the brain craves even more stress after experiencing something extremely stressful
#misc.txt#vent#or at least it does for me?#I feel like nobody ever talks about it either so I'm not rly sure why it happens or if it's a common response#its the 'very slow tigers are chasing me' thing except me and the tiger are locked in a room and it's just looking at me#and I would rather it just break the silence and try to maul me#if that#makes sense#some part of my brain would rather be back in imminent and potentially life threatening danger than be stuck in this tension#because my mind is still there#and I feel like I end up craving it in the days/weeks/whatever after the thing happens. like right now.#so I'm just sitting here in my room at 1am trying to rewrite my resume while feeling more and more like a cornered possum. 👍#and it makes me feel like the thing in question wasn't that bad bc who WANTS a traumatic event to happen again/continue?#and like I don't. but my brain is still half stuck in that weird compartmentalized state#and for some reason the instinct is 'return to extreme stress now' instead of 'escape situation and get somewhere you feel safe'#it sucks bc what I need to get done tonight is extremely important#and this happens every fucking time something like this happens. what do I do here.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes i wonder why a very specific flavor of big toxic masculinity influencer guys appeal to me so much and then i am forcefully reminded that's what i've want to be my whole life and i 😭😭
#do i feel bad about it? yes. does it stop my brain? not really#i just want to be BIG and STRONG and POWERFUL#i want to be the strongest person in a room at any given times and when i say that's the ONLY thing i get competitive that's not a joke#i want to know i can kill someone with one punch#LIKE WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THAT#(don't worry i absolutely can't do that but god I WISH)#i have always always always wanted to be the big scary buff as fuck dude with a big fuck off sword#who wil FUCK SHIT UP but then also like goes home and loves his people and likes kittens and shit#I WANNA BE THAT SO BAD#and so these asshole guys just get in my brain soooo easily#and it sucks cause i don't wanna be a dick!!! but i wanna be big and strong and protect people and fight and die on a battlefield and shit!!#which. WHY????? where did that come from??? my family definitely didn't emphasize that? but it's certainly in there deep
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
…
#vent#delete later#ngl I was trying to keep it in but that shit literally ruined my fucking day#should I kms#why does everyone think I’m a terrible person?#what did I do to deserve this?#I can’t do anything without someone deciding I suck bc of it#twt is down rn otherwise this would go on priv sorry I need to express this somewhere#I should kms#I’m sick of being painted as this terrible evil person just bc I experience human emotions#I should do it#but what should I try this time#I don’t want to deal with the itching if I fuck up the preferred method#I wonder if my emergency rope is still around it’s been a while since I’ve considered it#I must be a bad person#I kinda was thinking about trying to make friends with a mutual or two but#I’m not good enough everyone just ends up hating me#I don’t deserve anything#I must be doing something wrong#kill me and make it stop#I am the worst person alive#I am so unhappy#Haha I’m starting to get paranoid now#I need to blow my brains out#the gun shouldn’t have been empty last time I was sabotaged#this emptiness is unbearable make it end
0 notes