#why am i doing this will would just break my heart even more

[rosyhoneydew]

A quick love letter to my Bucktommy family in the form of a fix-it <3

Bucktommy | fix-it | Teen | 1141 words | warnings: this is angsty at the start and tiptoes toward addressing biphobia so please care for yourself and don't read if that will exacerbate your hurt.

They're three beers deep when the doorbell rings again.

It's been a fucking night. He hadn't really had much to say to Eddie when he got there, thankfully he hadn't had to, especially considering Eddie was clearly in the midst of his own kind of night. It feels better, not being alone, at least. But the alcohol mixes with his head and twists the moment in his apartment further. How come every time I want to move forward I get pushed back?

He's not even paying attention when Eddie goes up to get the door, just fiddles with the bottle in his hand more, peeling the label into tiny pieces and laying them on Eddie's coffee table for him to pick up later.

"Shit-" Eddie stumbles as he makes his way. And then Buck can feel a little breeze as he goes to tell whoever it is that this isn't a good time.

"Oh thank god-" Buck freezes, determined not to turn around. "I wasn't sure you'd be home but I think I fucked up."

That's Tommy.

"I panicked a little. Evan asked me to move in and I think I freaked out."

"Uhh-" Eddie adds.

"We just got done talking about my ex who I had to end an engagement with and it just- it felt like he was trying to make up for his own freak out about it and-" Buck hears him take a deep breath, "I didn't want to force him into doing something he didn't really want to do, you know? He- he should get to make sure that's what he really wants." He takes another breath. "Are you not wearing pants?"

"Umm-"

Buck's heart rate had steadily ramped up hearing Tommy speak, but it's when he stops that Buck feels tears prickle at his eyes. He whips around then, still nestled into Eddie's couch, betrayal in his voice when he speaks.

"I did!" and shit. He didn't really mean to shout that.

"I'm gonna..." Eddie trails off as he heads into his bedroom.

"Why do you think I didn't make sure that's what I wanted?" he demands. He hadn't thought he'd be so angry, but this felt like something to him, and Tommy's running. Again. "Because that girl hit on me at the restaurant?"

Tommy looks shell-shocked. Like he's still grasping the fact that Buck is here, so Buck just keeps talking.

"Or because I haven't dated a man before? So I must not know what I'm talking about, right?"

"Buck-"

"Don't call me that."

"Evan," Tommy steps a little closer, and Buck leans toward the cushions, petty, but feeling raw still. "That is not why."

Buck levels him with a look.

"Okay, what you said is fair enough," he relents. "I didn't mean to make it seem like you couldn't make your own decisions about this."

"What did you mean?"

Tommy looks away for a moment, a flicker of pain on his face.

"I meant... what I said," he lands on. "You would break my heart, Evan."

"You don't know that." The tears finally crest over his lower lids and make their way to his mouth. "You can't just give up every time you're scared that I'm going to leave you, Tommy. It's not fair, you're not even giving me the chance to stay."

Tommy's lip wobbles a little now too, but he stays and listens.

"I wanted to stay, I wanted you to stay. With me. Permanently. Why would you think I would leave you?"

He cries now, and Buck hasn't ever seen him cry.

"I don't know," he gets out, choked and soft. "I see you, sometimes. With the 118 and everyone's families and I... I don't feel like I fit, Evan. I don't get how I fit into that."

"You fit into it because you're my boyfriend. My partner."

"I am?" he asks, treading closer ever slightly to the couch.

This time Buck leans his way. He sets his bottle down and looks down at his hands.

"Did you mean what you told Eddie? You fucked up? Because I fucked up, once, at the beginning of us, and you gave me that second chance and I'm so glad you did, Tommy, because these last few months have been better than I could've hoped. I don't want to let that go because of this so... yeah you can be, if you want."

Tommy rushes to the couch, he sits as close as he can get and grabs Buck's hands firmly. Warm and sure.

"I want that. I want us again. Please."

"You can have it," Buck whispers, resting his head on Tommy's shoulder. He squeezes Tommy's hands. "Just don't leave again, please."

"I won't, I won't."

Then there's a kiss at the crown of his head, and Tommy's other hand rubs soft circles over his back. He murmurs sweet nothings in Buck's ear all the while.

I'm sorry. I'm glad you were here. I missed you as soon as I walked out the door. I'm staying. I'm staying. I'm staying.

They sit like that for a while until a throat clearing from the hallway has them both lifting their heads to find Eddie, fully-clothed.

"What were you guys doing before I got here, by the way?" Tommy asks, humor back in his voice.

"Well, I was drinking my sorrows away. I don't know what Tom Cruise was doing."

"Ha ha," Eddie says, making his way to the couch, no qualms about forcing them to scooch over to make room. "We can talk about my shit tomorrow. You guys worked it out I guess?"

Buck looks up at Tommy, smiles, and kisses him with a loud peck just to make Eddie huff and roll his eyes.

"Yeah," Tommy says, looking at ease. "Although..." he starts.

Buck turns to him, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know that moving into your place is going to work," Tommy admits.

Buck sits up a little, mouth just opening to speak when Tommy cuts him off.

"I want to live with you, Evan, but your place is barely big enough for one person, so maybe we can workshop location, yeah?" he smiles a crinkly smile, the kind that always lets Buck know he's feeling fond, feeling secure.

It's Buck's turn to huff now. "It gets good light," he grumbles.

Tommy kisses his temple again, Buck gets the distinct feeling that he will be getting kissed quite a bit in the near future, and he chances a quick look at Eddie to see if they're being annoying.

Instead, he sees Eddie smiling too, he's looking on like he's proud and it makes Buck want to tear up again. Eddie gives him a nod and Buck nods back.

A weight lifts off his shoulders then. In the arms of the man he's growing to love and accepted by his family.

~~~~

I want to say a quick thank you to everyone who read, commented, shared my fics, sent me nice messages about my writing for these two, and to everyone who created content for them while they were canon. I'm thankful for every minute of it :)

[joemama-2]

ten reasons i love you

pairing: gojo x fem reader tags/warnings: angst, angst, angst, light fluff, smut, death, divider by @cafekitsune

word count: 2459

Reason #1: you’re patient

Sometimes, I get a little jealous. I wish I were like you, and I try to be, but no one could ever be like you. You handled every situation, every wrongdoing, every argument, every fight, with grace. A simple and natural elegance.

Every time, it proved why I fell in love with you. 

But, I love when you’re patient with me. I know I can be hard to handle sometimes, annoying, or an “ass”, whichever name you decided to grace me with that day. You stayed with me, even when sometimes I wished you hadn’t. Because I knew you deserved, deserve, better.

“Can’t you just tell me all the reasons now?”

“Nope, that would ruin the surprise. You get your next reason next week.”

A gentle kiss to the forehead, followed by one to your cheeks, nose, and then lips.

Reason #2: the way you laugh

I know it’s getting hard to do that now, but when you finally do, it’s the most pleasant sound my ears have ever heard, that my body has ever felt when you giggle against my neck. It sounds like a sweet melody, one that makes you warm. One that makes you smile, without noticing. 

I don’t think anyone could ever have as beautiful as laugh as you do. Even then, it wouldn’t compete.

The way you laugh sounds so natural like you don’t care who hears. I miss your laughs so much. Whenever I hear it, in that moment, everything is okay. Everything is perfect. Because you’re perfect. 

It’s the sound of joy that fills up a room and my heart. I wish I could listen to it forever.

“I didn’t take you for a poet.”

Satoru laughs, dimple more prominent. “I can be cute when I want to.”

You smile, followed by your oh-so-precious laugh. He practically melts on the spot. He can hear the rattling in your chest he’s unfortunately become familiar with. But his face doesn’t fall, instead, he holds you closer and presses a kiss to your hairline. 

It feels like just yesterday when you both got the news, when your lives changed. It’s the second week, but he just prays for time to slow down. For he’s not ready for the future. 

Reason #3: your determination

It’s so beautiful to see. The way you try and try, even after failure. The way you never give up. Maybe it’s because you’re a bit stubborn, but you never back down. It’s a quiet strength about you that I hope you can make loud one day.

You’re fierce, but quiet. Determinated, but timid. I’ve never seen those combinations before, but now that I have, I love it. 

“I wish I was still strong enough.”

His heart breaks at the sight before him, along with your resigned tone of voice. Pushing some strands of hair out of your eyes. “Listen,” he murmurs, head titling. “You are strong, then and now. You will always be strong. Do you want to know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I know you. And I know you’re not ready to give up, just like I’m not giving up on you. We’ll both fight this. In the end, I’ll buy you that ice cream you really like.”

Tears fill your eyes, a sad smile playing on your lips. “Okay, I can’t wait.”

Reason #4: your creativity

I know you’re trying to find ways to take your mind off the now, I am too. I didn’t think someone was capable of picking up on hobbies so fast, but the gloves you knitted me say otherwise. Oh, and the cute little crotchet animals that now take residency on my side of the bed. But I’ll let that slide, just for you. (The little gray bunny is my enemy, btw.)

I wish I was as creative as you. It’s like your juices just get flowing and once you start, you don’t stop. I love seeing it happen in real-time. It makes you happy, I know that. So it makes me happy too.

I’ve been getting more yarn now when I’m out, it’s kind of just like second nature now, I guess. They’re starting to pile up, but I hope one day they’ll all be gone. 

“Keep her off her feet more.” The doctor tells Satoru, who currently stands with a pensive expression, fingers curling around your own. “Your wife needs all the rest she can get, so if you can, keep her on bedrest with less strenuous activities.”

Bedrest. 

That word alone shakes you to your core, a prime example of your deteriorating condition. You can hear your weakened heart pound in your ears, tears threatening to fall from your eyes. If you’re being advised to be put on bed rest, what hope is left for you?

Almost none.

Reason #5: how you care about people

“That’s ironic, isn’t it?” You huff out, a wince soon taking over. 

Satoru’s comforting hand places itself on your pale one, smiling. “Just keep reading.”

With one final breath out, your eyes travel down to the small journal, reading today’s entry.

You have a certain way of making people feel seen. Including others in conversation, making sure no one is left out. You listen when needed, comfort when needed, and give advice when needed. Even if you’re not doing the best yourself.

You make people feel important, make me feel important. You look beyond titles and hierarchies and just see…me. 

If someone’s at their lowest, you make them feel seen. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it, and I love it.

You don’t even know you’re reaching out for him until his arms wrap securely around your waist. Careful not to drop his full weight onto your frail body. But god do you wish he did, you missed how things were before.

Hot tears stain his shirt and Satoru feels his own set begin to let loose. He’s always been good at comforting you when you’re crying, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t cry with you. 

Reason #6: the way you make the mundane beautiful 

“Mundane.” You repeat, coughing. 

“Mundane.” Satoru confirms, holding your hands. “Do you think mundane is bad?”

“I feel like I can’t even do mundane things now.”

His head shakes. “You can, and you do. Life is mundane with you, but it’s also exciting, beautiful.”

With a jut of his chin towards the journal, you take the hint and continue reading.

How you can turn something so ordinary into something magical is still beyond me. Maybe you’re a secret witch (I would like that). You look for the beauty in things.

The way the sun hits the leaves, the sound of rain, or the way our hands fit together. You see the world in a way no one else does.

I see the beauty in you too. When your nose crinkles because of my “smelly” socks, your head tilting when you’re confused, or even that look you give me when I say something stupid or funny. I like admiring you, and I like the way you admire. 

Reason #7: how you make me a better person

There’s a resounding thump noise as you throw the journal into the wall. Health slowly failing along with your own mental stability. Satoru holds back a frown, feeling himself uncomfortably shift beside you.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He gently asks.

“I don’t wanna read anymore.” Your voice is bordering on unrecognizable, the rattling in your chest more prominent.

He heaves a small sigh, walking over to pick the book up and back to you. Sitting on the edge of the bed and carefully regarding you with an examining gaze. “Why not?”

Many reasons. “I-It just makes me emotional, Satoru.” 

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything!” You shout, looking at him with a pitiful expression. “I’m already fucked up as it is, I don’t wanna cry anymore!”

God, is this really testing his emotional resilience. But that’s not what you need right now. “I know, I know you don’t, baby. But look at it like this,” he scoots closer, fingers intertwining with yours. “There’s nothing wrong with crying, it means we’re still human, it makes us feel….complete sometimes. And I know you’re trying hard to hold everything in, I see it. But please, just let everything out, don’t worry about the mess. Because I’m here.”

Your hands tremble, no longer fighting back your tears as you hesitantly reach for the outstretched journal and read, tears wetting the page. He holds you close.

You challenge me, in the best way. You push me to be more rational, logical, to be more punctual and caring. You push me to be the best me, you encourage my beliefs and ideas, and you’re there for me when something doesn’t fall through.

Without you, I can’t be who I am today. Without you, I’m not me.

You’ve made me the best me, by just being yourself. 

Next week, you’re saying bye to your forever home. Being forced to spend your last days in an uncomfortable hospital with a scent that you hate. This is the last time you’ll walk these halls, use that stove, watch that TV, sleep in that bed.

You cling to him like a lifeline, sometimes you wish he was. 

Soft cries fill the otherwise dim and quiet room, his arms wrapped around your body. Your arms are around his neck, legs opened wide enough so he can fully accommodate his body between them. The way he deliciously slides in and out, in the slowest and gentlest manner, all for your sake. Small moans and grunts fall from your guys’ lips.

The last time he’ll ever make love to you.

“Reason #8: the way you love me.��� 

You almost break down even more at the sound of his cracking voice, noticing the shaky inhale he does as he looks down at you, hips moving in a steady motion. 

“You love me so fully, so unconditionally.” he starts off, grunting quietly as your walls squeeze around him. “It’s not about perfection with you. It’s about the way you choose me. Every day, even when we’re not at our best. I know I’m loved because you show it, every moment, in a thousand little ways.”

His lips kiss and gently suck on your pulse point, tongue darting out to lick and savor your sweaty skin. The tip of his cock hits your g-spot in a rhythm that has you whimpering out, nails digging into his shoulders. Your head tilts back slightly, he guides it back with one free hand and kisses you passionately. 

He swallows your moans and tastes your tears. His tears fall onto your cheeks, mixing in with everything. 

This isn’t just about sex, but it’s about being one with each other. It’s about savoring each other like it’s your last breath, melting into each other’s bodies, and loving you in the most intimate way.

He commits this to memory. 

Satoru stays by your side every day and every night. He doesn’t leave, even when he’s prompted by you to eat and sleep. But he can’t, not when this could be the last time he’ll ever talk to you. 

You look so fragile, so out of place in the hospital bed. The gown one size too big and he just wanted to take you in his arms and into a far-away place. Away from the hospital, away from this heart condition, and just with him. 

You can barely even keep your eyes fully open, multiple wires running through your body to keep you conscious. But you still hold onto his hand, tightly, as if you never want to let go.

And you don’t. Neither does Satoru,

Pale skin and dry lips. Everything about you screams illness. No matter that, you force yourself to stay coherent while he reads. 

“Reason #:9”, he looks at you, “the way you feel like home.”

Satoru forces his voice to remain steady, smiling at you. “Being with you is a safe place, a shelter from this cruel and dirty world. No matter where I am, where you are, where we are, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. You make me feel seen, understood, loved. Nothing else matters but us. Your touch, your voice, your presence, that’s all home to me, and I’m so happy I finally found my home.”

Warm tears slowly trickle down your cheeks, your smile feeling like it’s too hard to handle. “You’re my home too, Satoru. I….I don’t wanna leave home.”

A shaky breath. “You won’t.” His hand squeezes you tighter, planting a chaste kiss on your cracked lips. “I’ll always be here, I’ll always follow you. Just keep holding onto me, okay?”

“O-okay.” You croak out, sniffling. 

That night, he falls asleep with you. Holding you like he always does. Whispering sweet nothings into your ear, thumb tracing lazy circles on your knuckles. Your warmth keeps him going, but it also makes him sleepy.

It’s only then does he realizes something. 

He’s happy. He’s so, so happy. He’s with you, you’re with him, and everything else fades away. Because it’s just you two. As much as it hurts, he wants you to go peacefully, and with him.

So, as the hours pass and when he opens his eyes. He’s met with a cold body, an unmoving form in his arms. And tears mixing in with your hair as he hugs you tight one last time.

“Reason #10.”

He sets the bouquet of white roses down on the cold stone, kneeling down before it. Your name stares back at him. 

“The best one, in my opinion. You know….I really hate how I couldn’t tell you this last one in person. But you’re still listening, aren’t you?” He places his hand above your name and a small gust of wind replies back. He smiles. 

“The way you taught me to live.”

“You taught me to how to live, not just in ‘big moments’, but in the small ones too. The moments that matter. The times we spent together, the quiet talks, the laughter, the shared silences. You’ve shown me that life isn’t about counting days—it’s about making days count.”

After leaving, he can’t help but cry. Fingers twitching by his sides, ears ringing. He blocks out the world. Until there’s a small rustling in the bushes beside him. He stops and looks.

He laughs.

“Guess you’re still keeping an eye on me, huh?”

Staring back, a cute little gray bunny. Its ears twitch, as if acknowledging him.

He takes a step closer, then kneels down, his voice softening. "Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. I promise."

He looks at the bunny one last time before standing up and walking away, feeling an inexplicable sense of comfort. 

[pleasantlycrazyworld]

Part two of this Worst!Logan request

A/N: Thank you for all the love on part 1; I hope you enjoy part 2 just as much! I have a lot of request that I am currently working on but request are still open for both Logan and Bucky!

Where we left off:

Logan was left standing in his room with wide eyes. Wade was trying to convince you that he loves you…why would you need the convincing? Obviously Logan knew that he needed convincing, like look at him? Hundreds of years older than you, from a whole different universe than you, full of a dark past and trauma…but you loved him too? Or at least you did before he threw a hissy fit tonight. 

FUCK! Logan yelled out when he realized that he had to go fix this now! 

*********************************************************************** 

Logan had to fix his stupidness. After the realization hit him like a truck he rushed out of the apartment with no shoes on. You only lived down the hall, something Logan was always thankful for, and he was even more thankful for it tonight. He reached your door in seconds and knocked on your front door with such force that he was slightly afraid that he might’ve broken the door. I’ll fix it later. He thought to himself as he tried to catch his breath and fix his hair before you opened the door. 

You opened the door far too quickly for his liking, yet way too slow. He was already in his head trying to convince himself that it was probably better for you to be mad at him, for you to not want him around anymore. That’d keep you safe…it would keep him safe. Feelings can be dangerous, relationships and getting close to someone can be dangerous. But he would die if he didn’t have you in his life anymore, he’s gotten greedy, selfish, he’s gotten comfortable for the first time in a long time and he isn’t ready to lose that yet. He won’t lose you, not when he knows you love him back. 

He was in the middle of fixing his hair when you opened the door, embarrassment flooded his body and he quickly ripped his hand away from his hair. “Logan?” You croaked out weakly, your voice thick with tears. His heart breaks in a way it never has before when he looks you in the eyes and sees the redness, the puffiness, the tears falling freely. “Oh. Oh darlin I am such a fool.” His shoulders fell and his own voice thickens with tears. The shame he felt when you started to reassure him made him want to dig his own claws into himself, he shook his head interrupting you and started going into a rant before he even realized what he was doing. 

“I am a fool! I was so wrapped in my own head that I convinced myself that for some fucking reason you were already taken and I didn’t want to get in between you and Wade-” You cut him off quickly, “Wade!?!” Logan winced when you exclaimed his roommates name, “I know okay! I know how ridiculous I’ve been, I was so blinded by you being close to Wade and all of the whispers and the sharing of clothes and the touching that I didn’t even notice the way you would get up early to make my coffee or stay up late when I had to work a closing shift even though you had to be up at 5 in the morning, I didn't notice that you always asked me how I was doing and never took okay or fine as an answer. I didn't even realize that you only cleaned my wounds and allowed Wade's wounds to get infected if he didn't clean them himself! I didn’t allow myself to see how much you cared about me because I still don’t think I deserve that; I don’t deserve tenderness, the soft caresses and whispers…I don’t deserve you darlin I just don’t.” He ended his rant with a whisper, nearly ashamed of himself for feeling this way and for admitting this aloud to someone as caring as you. 

He knows how much you care about him, he knows you won’t judge him or be mad at him for long, but he is so ashamed that he ever doubted you, there’s still a part of him that’s upset with himself for being so mad towards Wade when he thought you were with Wade. Wade deserves someone as kind and loving as you, Logan just wants to be greedy and keep you to himself.  You could tell that Logan was starting to get back into his head, he was starting to get that dazed off look in his eyes, it was like he was in another word when he started overthinking like this. “Logan” You called out to him before slowly touching his arm. “Why don’t you come inside? I’ll make us some coffee or tea and we can talk about where you’re taking me on our first date.” He looked at you with clear shock on his face, he was fully prepared for you to tell him to fuck off. Your laugh ringed through the air making his heart mend back together again. “Come on you fool” You teased him with a smirk and a quick roll of your eyes, he stumbled over his feet and ended up on your couch quicker than he could notice. 

It was the first time he had actually been in your apartment, and he never wanted to leave. Looking around it looked very you, very lived in, very homey. Your warmth surrounded him, your scent enveloped him, it felt like home. It felt like peace. 

You came back with two mugs and handed him his with that soft smile that he fell in love with. You sat next to him and started listing ideas for what the two of you could do for your first date; “We could go to dinner, we could watch a movie, we could go to a museum, we could–” You ended up sitting your mug on your coffee table in front of the couch at some point during your ramble, Logan wasn’t sure when it happen but he is positive that it did happen because he’ll never forget the feeling of your head on his shoulder as you finally decided where the two of you would go this weekend for your first official date. 

Tagging:

@userchai

@mahi-tamashi

@100percentlazybonez

@lanassmarty

@western-pyro

@misscrissfemmefatale

@marit332

@navs-bhat

@fluffy-b33z

@chaimshelii

@aoi-targaryen

@eyes-ofhell

@sad0ni0n

@fries11

@squishyfruitloop

@negan-morningstar

@p3ryt0n

@ayamenimthiriel

[i-hold-deaths-hand-in-mine]

rio collects a soul; an excerpt from my fanfic

The room was so dark when Rio opened her eyes hours later to a familiar and unwanted tug. Beside her, Agatha snored, and it brought a small smile to her lips as she leaned over to kiss her temple. 

“I’ll be back,” she whispered. Agatha murmured her acknowledgement, then promptly went back to snoring. 

Rio closed her eyes and gave herself to the shadows, dissolving into them, letting them bring her to where her soul was being called. 

It was a bedroom, quiet and lifeless. 

She was in her Death form, but her face was human, soft and gentle and warm. This, she realized with a cold fist around her heart, was her least favorite form. It was the one that did not belong, halfway between Death and human, and for one purpose only –

When a soul was scared, and needed gentleness. 

These moments were the ones that haunted her most, made her understand that she was not ever meant for much more than destruction and death. She took, and took, and took, and never left anything behind but a body. 

Just like with Nicky , she tried so hard not to think. 

The boy sat up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes tiredly. Rio stood in the doorway, smiling invitingly at him. She reached out a hand, beckoned him forth. 

He yawned. “I don’t want to get out of bed,” he told her. “It’s so warm and comfortable.”

Her heart was already breaking. How many times was it possible for a heart to break and mend and break and mend and break and mend before there was nothing left to put back together?

“I know a place that is warmer,” she told him, “and much more comfortable. I can take you there.” It was so hard for her to speak, even though for the first time that night, all of her words were true, true, true.

This enticed the boy to throw his blanket back and swing his legs over the side of the bed, but then he paused. “Will my mom and dad be there?” he asked. 

“Yes,” she answered without hesitation. 

He got up and walked across the room to stand just in front of her, his eyes big and wondrous as he looked up at her. “You’re so pretty,” he said. 

She let out a noise that was half a cry and half a laugh. “Thank you,” she managed. 

His eyebrows furrowed as he thought for a moment. “Do you promise that my mom and dad will be there?”

Rio knelt down to look him in the eyes. One hand went to her waist, to touch the blade of her knife, and the other she lifted for the boy to take. “I promise,” she said, and it was true. Any reservations he had dropped away. He reached out, placing his little hand into hers –

And then he was gone, if only in one way; because in the morning, he would still be there, in the other way, in that heartbreaking way his parents had to learn. 

Rio walked over to the side of his bed, gently tucking the blanket around his cold body. Her hand touched his forehead, and then she collapsed to her knees, and she sobbed. She sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. 

But the house remained quiet, silent –

None heard when Death wept.

Still she did, every time she was called upon. Quiet, and alone, like a horrible birthright, an imprint on her very soul she was never meant to escape. She thought back to the last time she spoke to Charonides, the words she had proclaimed: I am Death. 

Death, Death, Death. 

Not a birthright. A curse. This was a curse, perhaps the oldest, the very first.

Because where, in all the world, could Death possibly escape itself? Where could Death have hidden, when none could hide from Death?

(And why did Rio feel like she was being swallowed whole by the overwhelming desire to do either?)

Then, a very small, very quiet, and very pleading voice, way at the back of her mind, whispered urgently her answer: Home . 

Where could Death run to? Where could Death hide?

Well…where would any of us?

Home , of course – whether a person, or a place, or a feeling…we can always run home . 

And so she went home. 

She buried herself beneath the blankets in their bed, smothered Agatha in a tight hug that briefly woke her only so she could then wrap her own arms around Rio. She inhaled deeply the scent of Agatha’s hair, of their laundry detergent on the pillowcases. 

She nestled herself within the feelings of safety and calm and warmth, within the arms of the woman she loved, within all these things she called home.

This was where Death hid.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Remember when I said I was going to sleep?

I lied

---

He banged on the door, not bothering with the doorbell or even knocking like a normal person. It had taken him a minute to wrap his head around what Tommy had said, and yes he had let him walk out the door, but damn it the conversation wasn't over.

"Tommy I know you're in there, your car is in the driveway!"

He waited a minute before banging again. Part of him was a little satisfied seeing the stained glass window above the door rattling in its frame.

"Tommy! The least you can do is hear me out!"

He debated going round the back and trying his luck there when the door opened.

Tommy's eyes were red and he looked about as good as Buck felt.

"Ev- Buck... What are you doing here?"

"Don't call me Buck." he pushed past Tommy into the house.

"Everyone calls you Buck."

"You don't. You've never called me that and you know how much that means to me."

Tommy sighed and sat down at his dining table.

"Please don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"Why? So you can just cut me out of your life? Pretend the last six months didn't happen? Is that what you want?"

He was angry and he started pacing up and down Tommy's living room

"No. That is the last thing I want... But I'm a realist."

"No, you're a coward. You got scared and you ran."

Tommy didn't say anything, just stared at his shoes.

"Maybe I am too impulsive, maybe suggesting moving in after 6 months was too much too soon. But I know how I feel. How I feel about you."

"Evan... You came out six months ago. I can't expect you to... Settle for me. There is a whole world out there for you to explore."

"Trust me, I've done plenty of exploring. I told you about the time I spent travelling around, working every job I could find... I didn't always sleep alone during that time. And even when I first started at the 118... I explored plenty."

"Maybe. But not with a man. I can't ask that of you. And... I don't think I can handle saying goodbye to you realise you want more from life than me. My heart is breaking now but it would destroy me having to let you go in six months or a year, or maybe even a few years if we're lucky. "

"So you just give up? You decide I'm not worth fighting for? That I don't know that I want forever with you just because I only discovered I'm bi six months ago?"

"That... That's not what I'm saying. Don't you think I want this? Want this with you?"

"Considering you dumped me about two hours ago... I don't know what to think." Buck crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave Tommy an expectant look. "I thought things were good between us."

"They were."

"Then what is the problem?!"

"I got scared ok?! I've been here before, and I don't mean Abby. I was in a serious relationship with a guy and... I was crazy about him. Things were good. So good. I thought it was forever."

Buck sat down on the other side of the table.

"What happened?"

"He... Didn't think we were forever. More like for now." Tommy shook his head. "He... He told me he couldn't be my first and my last. That we both had to see what was out there. He broke my heart."

"But I'm not the same person as your ex." Buck reached across the table, silently asking Tommy to take his hand. "I'm me. I know what I want and I want you. I don't know what the future holds for me and you... But I'd like to find out with you."

"Evan... I want that too but... I have to protect my heart. I mean it. I don't think I could handle losing you if having you in my life for only six months makes me feel like this."

"I'm not going anywhere." Buck told him resolutely. "These past six months have been some of the best of my life. We have fun together. You indulged me with that curse, you're friends with Eddie and Chim, you get the job, you get the lifestyle that comes with it... You get me."

Tommy turned to face him.

"Evan... I... I want to believe this so bad but... I don't know if I can."

"Don't you want to try? Give us both a real shot at happiness?" Buck asked. "I'm usually the one that gets scared and does something stupid... But I can be the sensible and reasonable one out of the two of us if that's what you need."

"You shouldn't have to change for me."

"But I have changed. For the better. You made me feel... Like me."

Tommy shook his head.

"You did that all by yourself."

"Maybe. But you helped. Having you by my side helped. You make me feel secure. You make me happy Tommy."

"You make me happy too." Tommy admitted, finally reaching out and covering Buck's hand with his own.

"Then don't throw this away because you got scared. I promise not to mention moving in together again for at least another six months." Buck joked, happy to get a small laugh from Tommy.

"Ok." Tommy said after a minute. "Ok." he repeated more confidently. "I guess I can be brave if you are."

Buck smiled and bought Tommy's hand to his lips and brushed a kiss over the knuckles.

"I was hoping you'd say that." he got up and rounded the table, stopping in front of Tommy. "Now we missed the movie again... But maybe we can just hang out here and watch something?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'd like that." Tommy said and met him halfway when buck leaned down to kiss him.

[robinminustherichard]

Eddie, sans mustache, is the voice of reason

(How I imagine the final scene could play out farther)

"He called me Buck." Buck mumbles, not even bothering to wipe the tear that slides down his cheek.

"I'm sorry, what?" Eddie asks, turning towards Buck. "You're on my couch crying because someone called you Buck?"

Buck simply looked at him, eyes wide.

"Don't, don't look at me like that." Eddie shook his head, taking another drink of his beer. "I am not Tommy that does not work on me."

"Oh my god-" Buck's voice breaks and he shoves his plams against his eyes.

"Whoa, Buck. You're gonna have to give me a clue here man."

"Tommy called me Buck, tonight. When he bro-" the rest of what Buck says is too muffled by his hands for Eddie to hear him.

"Still didn't catch that, bud. You're upset because Tommy called you Buck? That's literally what you tell everyone to call you."

Buck took a deep breath, pulled his hands away, and looked at Eddie with red-rimmed eyes.

"Tommy called me Buck after he broke up with me."

Eddie pulls in a sharp breath and winces, sets his beer down on the table and reaches over to clasp Buck's shoulder.

"Oh, man. Buck. What? Why the hell would he break up with you?"

"I don't-," Buck starts, pulling another rough breath in, "I don't know. I asked him to move in with me-"

"Buck-"

"No!" Buck interjected. "That's not even the issue. He started saying some crazy stuff about how he's my first but not my last and that if he moves in with me I'll break his heart."

Eddie sits, taking it in and letting Buck process more.

"So he broke my heart, instead. He broke up with me, called me 'Buck' like he hasn't been re-wiring my brain towards 'Evan', and walked out of my life."

Eddie breathes out, not quite sure how to tread.

"And-and-- it's such bullshit that he would do this! He changed my entire life in thirty seconds and then six months later gets to rip my heart out and leave?" Buck's fingers rip at the label around his bottle. "I can't believe this, Eddie. This is so stupid, and I don't even know how I messed up."

Buck looks dangerously close to crying again, so Eddie pulls him into the best hug that can be had when you're on a couch and also not wearing pants.

"Buck, I'm sorry man," he starts, patting him on the back before pulling away. "But you didn't mess this up. Clearly, Tommy's not thinking. He can't be thinking because everyone with eyes can tell you're in love with him. I've never seen you this in love."

Buck wipes at his eyes some more before nodding. Eddie takes a deep breath before continuing.

"I don't know what the hell Tommy is thinking. It sounds...it sounds like he's scared, like he's closing himself off to protect himself."

"But I don't want to hurt him, Eddie," Buck groans, mouth wobbling, "I love him so much."

"I know you do, Buck," Eddie sighs, running a hand across his face. "And I know where Tommy is right now. I've been where he is, and it's not a good place to be. Thinking that causing yourself pain now is better than getting hurt by someone else later; telling yourself that you won't feel gutted if it's you that pulls away before its taken away."

Buck looks at him, face devastated.

"But that's so....that's so stupid!" Buck breathes heavily, almost surprised by his own outburst.

Eddie looks at him, nods at him in agreement. "You're right."

"I mean," Buck starts up again, jumping to his feet and beginning to pace, "why the hell does he think I'm just going to have some fun with him and then leave him? I'm in love with him. Why the hell does he get to decide what I'll do in the future?"

Buck is breath heavily and runs a hand through his hair.

"A-a-and why does he get to just end things because he thinks I'm going to want something else? Someone else?"

Eddie is watching Buck pace and takes another sip of his beer.

"He doesn't even want to give me a chance! I told him that I want to see him even more and he decides to break up with me because he what, thinks I'm lying? Th-thinks I don't know what I want?"

Eddie shrugs, makes a non-commital noise.

"Well, no!" Buck stops, facing Eddie. He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head. "This is unfair and I can't believe he would even think that I would treat him as just some sort of, of; some sort of training boyfriend!"

Buck practically yells his last statement, breathing heavy and meeting Eddie's eyes.

"So," Eddie says, "what are you going to do about it?"

Buck looks at him, silent for a moment.

"I-" Buck starts, confident before he suddenly deflates. "I don't know, Eddie."

Eddie groans before standing up and setting both hands on Buck's shoulders.

"Buck." He stares straight into Buck's face, "you are going to go to Tommy's, and you are going to tell him all of this, and you are going to get your man back."

Buck nods, confidence coming back.

"Yes." He agrees with Eddie.

"You are going to bang on his door until he let's you in, and then youre going to tell him that he's full of it and that you love him, and that he doesn't get to decide how you feel, and you are going to tell him that for all this trouble he better have a court-side Lakers ticket for me to."

"Yeah!" Buck exclaims, nodding. "Wait-"

Buck starts to protest but Eddie is turning him and steering him towards the door.

"You are not going to let him mess this up, because he and I are supposed to go to another fight next month, and I can't even kick his ass for you because he could totally crush me."

Buck is sputtering, piecing together sentences like what, Eddie, that is not the point here--

They get to the door and Eddie throws it open, give Buck another gentle push across the threshold.

Buck turns and looks at him, his face unable to convey the confusion fear indignation upset that he's feeling.

"Buck." Eddie stops, holding onto the door with one hand. "I know you, and I know you're gonna fight for this. If he turns you down again, call me and I'll be there to pick you up--"

"Will you put pants on to do that or--"

"Don't be ungrateful," Eddie interjects, "you will go to Tommy's house, and you will remind him that you are a fully grown adult who is capable of having your own feelings and thoughts, and you will tell him that you love him so much that you are literally obsessed with him--"

"Well, I don't know about tha--"

"You will tell him that you stare longingly at a picture of him at 3 AM when you can't sleep in the bunks."

"How do you--"

"And you will," Eddie starts to adjust to close the door, "get. your. man. back."

Buck looks like he's going to protest one more time, but Eddie raises his eyebrows and starts to close the door.

"And for God sakes, tell him how weird you are about the Buck/Evan thing."

With that, Eddie closes the door on Buck, locking it securely. As he goes to turn away, he hears Buck call out one last time, followed by his stomping tread down the sidewalk.

"I'm only listening to you because you shaved that god awful mustache, so clearly you've gotten some sense back!"

Eddie rolls his eyes, walks to the couch and plops down on it. He pulls his phone out, brings up Tommy's message thread and types out a new one to send.

If you really thought that was going to work, you don't know Evan.

[thymejot]

Good meta about the kiss and Agatha’s feelings before and during I mostly agree but she also took the risk of dying for billy, she also made a sacrifice for him. it was a big deal for her, she chose to kiss her instead of just taking rio’s power in another way because of her feelings for her but she already decided to save him. I don’t even care about billy but ignoring him and the way Agatha cares for him and saying he had nothing to do with her decision makes any meta less truthful to the show imho

I absolutely get what you are saying. And there is a tiny part of me that agrees with you. But there is more to it than that, for me at least.

I am no expert, and in the end, this is just my opinion. An opinion that will probably change with time and rewatches.

Agatha sees Nicky in Billy. I mean this in two ways. She sees who her son could have been if he was able to grow up. If he had become the powerful mix of Agathas destruction and Rios nature. So there are some complicated tender moments. I think it is why she took to him so, in Wandavision.

But she also sees a means to get Nicky back. Billy has chaos magic. He has the power to create in a way neither she nor Rio possess. She quite literally sees Nicky in Billy.

At heart, Agatha is a schemer and is ruthless. Yes, she has it in her to care, but that caring will not get in the way of what she wants. She had moments of growth in the series, but trauma is a hard thing to shake.

Where she is right now, she would give Billy up in a second if it meant getting her son back. She very nearly gives him up just to save her own skin.

So, for me personally, that moment had very little to do with Billy. For me, it had everything to do with her love and regrets with Rio and the driving force of getting Nicky back.

For me, it was why she wanted Wandas power. A thing she very quickly realised she did not have any understanding of how to control. Even Wanda didn't know how to control it.

Agatha needs to understand how things work. She took the risk to give Rio her death, for that slim chance she could become a ghost.

So she could mentor Billy, while learning how he works in the process. Because at heart Agatha is a giant nerd who likes to know the inner working of all things magic, the rituals and the theory behind it.

It's a great set up, it also gives Agatha time to truly care about Billy for more than just who he reminds her off and what he represents.

It also gives Billy time to get over his preconceived notions of who Agatha is. She is a monster, just not in the ways he thinks she is.

Agatha dying will quite possibly be the best thing to happen to her in a very long time. It will break her out of the cycle of consuming everything in her path while running from her pain.

Her lack of control as a ghost is going to be very interesting to watch. Because Agatha has a deep need to be in control,

It's okay that you don't agree. Hell, in a few months, i probably won't agree with this. Your milage may vary.

[beef-brisket]

For days after the meeting, Lucifer stayed in his office. He cried to himself when he heard Lilith and his daughter walk past. Her little cries and baby noises made his heart ache.

He was sure Lilith was doing it on purpose.

To taunt him.

Since the exterminations became a reoccurring thing, sinners just got worse. Lucifer wouldn't believe it if he didn't see it. He would fly high above them and watch the carnage.

They'd kill each other in the most brutal ways over the tiniest thing.

Some would even chant that Lucifer had abandoned them. Left them to somehow die again.

It made him mad. This was their fault, and they were blaming him?!

He glared down at them. Scum. All of them.

That's when he saw some posters of Lilith. He fell down and managed to stay out of sight. Pulling a poster off the wall, he looked over it.

It was a rebellion.

Surely she couldn't be so stupid. Why all of this trouble for sinners? He couldn't let her go through with this. She'll get herself killed.

Lilith had just put Charlie to sleep when Lucifer slammed open her door, making her daughter startle awake.

Lilith: What the are you doing-!?

Lucifer: What is this!?

Lucifer forced the poster into Liliths hands: A rebellion!? Are you insane!? The fuck, Lilith!

Lilith: Don't you dare talk to me like that in front of our daughter, you pig!

Lilith towered over Lucifer, but he wasn't intimidated.

Lilith: I can't let them do this! They are OUR people! Whether you care about them or not! I am their queen! They are human souls, like me! Your daughter has human DNA! These are her people! And their becoming feral because of these damn angels! If you won't fight for them. I will. Now, get out of our room. Now.

Lucifer glared at his wife: They'll kill you.

Lilith: I'd rather doe for what I believe in than lock myself away in hiding as carnage rages on our streets. You're shameful. You're not the angel I fell for-

Lucifer: And you're not the woman I fell for! She was never so reckless!

Lilith: I'm not reckless! Don't you see what this is? It's just another way for Heaven to control us! I will not be controlled. Not by them and not by you! They have enough loyal dogs, I won't join their pack! Now, get out!

Lucifer: If you break the contract-

Lilith: To HELL with the contract.

Lucifer: You'll regret this Lilith. For once, this won't go your way.

Lilith: Everything goes my way, Lucifer. I've been planning this since Eden. Down to every last detail. Now, I won't ask you again.

Lucifer glanced over to his daughter, who somehow wasn't crying at their slightly raised voices. He took in her darling face. Her red cheeks and blonde hair.

He didn't look at Lilith as he left the room.

It was 11 months since that day. And Lilith was spending more time out of the mansion, sometimes with their daughter. But she would be mostly left at home, in the care of the servants. Lucifer was able to spend time with her then, but once he started noticing injuries on the little lambs, he demanded to know what happened.

Lilith had been hurting them. She'd find out they let Lucifer around Charlie. And she'd hurt them.

He couldn't believe it. This isn't his wife. This isn't the sweet woman he married or had a child with.

Was she hurting Charlie?

Lucifer: Don't think like that. She wouldn't... servants and her daughter are two completely different things...

Extermination was coming up. He had to prepare. At least Lilith's rebellion was nowhere near ready.

And soon, he'll see Adam again.

I'm coming up with some aus for you, but I need some meeting shenanigans.

I would love to know what bullshit Adam and Lucifer got up to during meetings.

Slowly healing their relationship, one meeting at a time 👀

Well I think the very first one they wouldn't even be alone together because of what happened. I think Adam would just silently glare at him.

Over time when Adam was feeling more confident to face the devil he'd go alone but by hologram, Sera's idea.

Making snide remarks, snappy comments, and being sassy.

And Lucifer would come back with his own and they would end up in banter for a while other than why they are really there.

As more time passes it's less hateful and more playful, maybe even takes on a flirty edge.

And I always see Lucifer being the one to make the first move after what happened in Eden. Adam has so many insecurities he wouldn't think that Lucifer would want him as more than maybe a friend.

Hit me with them bud 👀

[kineticallyanywhere]

wip wednesday, why not

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

oh hey! i was reading a fic the other day where Wangji was once misspelled as Wangu. which leads me to: MDZS Pingu-style??? noot noot!

Do you think love can bloom on the sea ice?

[novantinuum]

self care is unfollowing people who spread negativity on ur dash!! like Damn! yeah i theoretically Agree with your crit but i really Don't wanna see it either bc i want to Celebrate content instead of hyperfixating on the stuff i didn't like about it! yeet!!!

[beautifel]

seems like my heart does nothing but break lately

[mizukiko-kun]

Productions of Hamlet where Hamlet downs Horatio’s poisoned wine himself, my beloved. Drinking the poison meant for your best friend to save their life must have felt so intimate…

[born-to-lose]

Missing people and regretting shit o'clock

[fuitygummy]

I think I’m failing therapy

[therosevest]

i mean it’s just kinda crazy cause. and forgive me if i sound somewhat spoiled here but. this trip im doing to take more credits and get experience and make connections etc is obviously expensive and i talked abt it with my parents. a lot before trying to do it. and somehow my dad didn’t understand that yk we would have to pay for it. ??? and is putting me in this spot of ‘figuring out what we’re gonna do about it’ and it’s like dude. i mean i’m going i paid for my fucking flights you know i’m. regardless i’ll be there. and i make $10/hr i have not been able to work consistently and when you don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars just sitting there accumulating more interest it doesn’t fucking last. like what exactly do you want me to say? i’ll drain all my accounts and give what little i have to you? tldr my main point here is the only way this man truly shows any kind of affection is through money and since he fucked me up im glad to take advantage of that lol like why wouldn’t i. so to have it thrown back in my face is just um an awful feeling. like im not even worth this to you. this is just too much. it truly does feel like someone put a number on love and im just not up there