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askthestans · 9 months ago

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Hey Stan, can you tell us stories about your brother Sherman being a total square?

Stan and Ford: At the same time. You mean Square-mie?

Both of them laugh, not in a harsh way, but the kind of lighthearted chuckles that usually come from one sibling teasing another. It's obvious they love their older brother, but... like most siblings, they'll always jump on a chance to make fun of one another.

Stan: Oh, he always hated that nickname! Look, Anon, lemme first introduce ya to the official scale of Pines fun-ness. At the top, there's me, for obvious reasons. Second best is Mabel, also for obvious reasons. And... He pauses, putting his hand to his chin. Damn, I gotta say, I think Ford's next-

Ford: I am as much of an adventurer as I am a scientist.

Stan: Yeah, definitely Ford, despite his dorkiness and obsession with... He gestures at Ford's honors and trophies for grades and intelligence related successes from childhood. That garbage. Good grades and other crap. And then-

Ford: Definitely our nephew, Dipper and Mabel's father. Works in IT, very smart, has a little bit more of Mabel's fun-loving nature. But far less adventurous than you or I. You and I could never live a boring suburban life like he does.

Stan: Grinning. Then, near the very bottom, you've got Dipper. No offense to the kid, but he's Ford's smarts but minus Ford's rebel streak. Walkin' wet blanket at times, always askin' how many laws we're breakin' while we're out havin' fun... although me and Ford are teachin' 'im to grow past it, as much as his parents will let us corrupt 'im. But he at least likes to have fun, I'll give 'im that. So that leaves us at-

Ford: Way at the very bottom of the Pines fun-ness scale, you have... Square-mie. He coughs. Shermie, sorry.

Both men howl with snorts and laughter again, barely able to explain why.

Stan: Wiping a tear from his eye, wheezing a bit. Okay, okay, Anon, picture this: take Dipper and his dad's wet blanket crap and crank it up to 1000. This guy? Our brother? Good ol' Saint Sherm? Guy's never even had a parking ticket his entire life! He won't even jaywalk! He never goes even one mile per hour above the speed limit! He's like the human equivalent of white bread. Of unflavored oatmeal. Got average grades, got a boring old suburban house with a literal white picket fence, had an average job-

Ford: Shudders. I have no idea how he worked as an IRS accountant for decades.

Stan: Ugh, don't remind me. He's always barkin' at me. "Stan, you pay your taxes yet this year?" this. "Stan, you need to contribute to your civic duty.", that. Cripes, ol' Sherm is like the anti-Pines. A Pines is supposed to laugh in the face of rules and authority. This guy huffs whatever authority's smokin' like he's part of a cult. Even when we were kids, he'd always do chores even when he wasn't asked. Kept his room clean as a whistle. Barked at me to do my homework and foiled our pranks when he could. Pure goody two shoes, so much he'd make an angel blush. I think all of our Ma's rebellion genes went to us, and Pa's strictness went to Sherm.

Ford: Yes, so after I returned and we explained to him what had happened, he...

Both men fall into a snicker fest again, unsure who will stop laughing first long enough to tell the story.

Stan: Holy mackerel, he... he... Snort. Picture Dipper at, like, seventy years old, but with an even bigger stick up his ass and even less muscles somehow. Gets told this long, convoluted as hell tale about me fakin' my death and pretendin' to be Ford for three decades, Ford gettin' lost in sci-fi sideburn land for just as long, the world almost ending with Sherm's grandkids along for the ride... just mind bendin' stuff... and the first words outta his mouth... and for reference, this guy never swears, and he never has thrown a punch at anyone... he's so square he's a cube! But he just says...

He wheezes, so Ford has to finish the story.

Ford: Snort. He raises his voice a bit, likely to mimic Shermie's. "I just knew I shoulda kicked your asses more when we were kids."

The two howl and cackle with laughter, leaning on each other for support.

Stan: And then he just... walked away, out his door, down the street to the gas station, bought beer for the - and I'm not kidding - the first time in his life, and sat back down in his old man chair and faced us as we just stood there, gobsmacked, while he cracked one open and drank it with an expression like a man betrayed. And he said-

Ford: "You two knuckleheads are lucky I'm even older than you, 'cause if I wasn't, I'd plant my loafer up your ass! You're gonna sit down, shut up, and let me drink this crap while I process whatever the f*ck I just heard and how many goddamn taxes you owe. And then maybe I'll think about huggin' your sorry asses."

More laughing.

Stan: I'm not sure if he was more mad about the taxes, or the fact that I'd faked my death all those years ago, or... the world ending part where Dipper and Mabes coulda been hurt... or maybe because we drove him to drink and swear and threaten someone for the first time in his whole goddamn life, all in the same day, he... Chuckles. He never really said. All I know is, is I don't think I've ever had my jaw that close to the floor in my life.

Ford: Honestly, I think we just kind of... broke him. Even still, I think he blew our minds more than we blew his.

Stan: He laughs a bit more, then shakes his head. Pfft, can you imagine Sherm kickin' our asses, anyway? He'd probably gently nudge one of our shins and give up. He's too nice for anything worse. That's the thing with our brother: he may be boring as sin, but... he's a good guy.

Ford: He always protected us from bullies when we were kids. Carried us home whenever we sprained an ankle or broke a bone.

Stan: And bought us ice cream whenever we asked, and fixed our bikes, and patched us up, scared the "monsters" outta our closet, and taught us most of what we know. Kind of like a second Dad, honestly, and one a lot less grumpy. A bit more somber. And he helped our parents out in their old age when we weren't around, until the... well, you know. 'Til the end.

Ford: His smile fades, then he sighs, expression a bit bittersweet. And he did actually hug us.

Stan: He scratches the back of his head, a bit embarrassed, but smiling fondly. For three hours straight.

#gravity falls #shermie pines #ford pines #stanford pines #stan pines #stanley pines #so I know you asked for a story of Sherm being a square but behold; the one time he wasn't a square #it just required his two brothers' 30 years worth of dumbassery to push him that far #shermie pines is a wholesome cinnamon roll in my headcanon #I personally picture him like Dipper's sensitivity mixed with Mabel's wholesomeness #askthestans

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lexicorp · 2 months ago

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Transformers Earthspark: Another Place, Another Prison

"You missed me, aadmit it, you missed me!" (friggin bill cipher quotes are in my brain)

They're goofy and I needed more of them- They're my favorite dumbasses

Fun lil chapter with a bit of reprieve from the angst. Although Star still is struggling with the sussy bs, The main point is just as the title of the chapter describes. All about finding some distractions. Avoidance and denial are always the best coping mechanisms :3

Previous Chapter: Not All Scars Can Be Welded

First Chapter: The Need For Read

Next Chapter: A Game Of Charades

Chapter 15: Distractions

Once Starscream managed to reach the Terran’s little lab, he began carefully opening the cabinets in search of that energon. He found an assortment of inventions in progress, and organized cashets of parts and tools. Nightshade was actually rather impressive. Wheeljack could certainly learn something from the kid on the matter of structure. That inventor’s workspace had always looked like a typhoon had blazed through any chance Starscream had passed his door in the Academy.

Eventually, he found the box designated for energon, and flicked open the lid. Of course it was in an Autobot crate. He should have thought of that first, really. Starscream’s focus immediately drifted away from the cubes, and landed on the patches. Those would be far easier to carry, as well as more convenient when he’d likely only purge the liquid variety in his current state. He wouldn’t exactly call that productive. So, he gathered as many of the patches as he could, stuffed a couple sheets of metal he found in their place, and covered it with the remaining patches before sealing the crate again.

Starscream once again found the need to trace the perimeter on the journey back to his room. It was ridiculous that his leg and helm were continuing to put up such a fuss, but no matter. He was still plenty capable of achieving this minor victory of hiding away his little stash of energon. He could perhaps even periodically gather more bit by bit to increase it without them knowing. That’d be at least something to quell his nerves.

Once all was in its place, he stumbled again as he stood, but pushed himself up stubbornly and glanced out the doorway. Starscream chuckled darkly at the fleeting revelation of how much this reminded him of those vorns on the Nemesis. Getting crippled by Megatron, limping across the halls, hoarding bits of energon. It was quite the classic it seemed. One that never ceased to humiliate him. Although a fact that has only proved his superior resilience. This was nothing he couldn’t handle.

“Confident now, aren’t we?” Meridian quipped and projected the insight that he was most certainly mocking Starscream’s previous statement towards the humans.

Starscream tightened his grip around the doorframe. “Yes. Actually. Now silence. I have no need for your petty interference.” He attempted to move towards the exit, but found his servo locked in place with a wave of disorientation as his optics flickered. He stumbled against it to prevent himself from falling, and put his other servo to his faceplate in a futile effort to stop those images from infecting his processor.

When he finally got his optics to work in some semblance of clarity again, Mandroid was right in his faceplate, with an expression filled with contempt while still managing to look unimpressed. It was disgusting. “For someone with such a disgraceful record as yours, you have nothing to prove yourself worthy of such credence. You were notoriously ruthless in the war, and even if you fought beside these…Terrans, against me once, you clearly only know how to continue to destroy all that surrounds you. Why stop now? Why not give in to your nature?”

“Shut up.”

“Do you honestly believe that you can show your face up there and talk to them like you don't have a kill count in the thousands, with even more personal betrayals to speak of? Perhaps you could start a conversation by showing a shred of reverence. Yet we both know you’re incapable of such a thing.” Meridian was pacing around him with his floating helm following him as he moved.

Starscream knew this abomination wasn’t real. He didn’t know why his processor was projecting this, but logically, there was no way Meridian was here. He was dead. They had melted that horrid suit he carried his corpse in. It was flatly impossible. Starscream just needed to ignore it. His inventive processor had been on overdrive as of late, and he just needed to push through like he always did.

So, he forced himself to disconnect from the wall and walk right through the spector. Starscream put all his focus on keeping his peds steady. On the crisp, real pain that shot from his knee that loved to taunt him at the most convenient of times. He found the activation switch to reveal the stairs to the outside, and ignored anything that was supposedly lingering behind him.

“Nothing to add?” A putrid laugh. “Go ahead then. Make a fool of yourself. Say hi to Alex for me.”

Starscream wasn’t listening to any of it. He didn’t care. Meridian didn’t deserve his attention. If that even was Meridian at all. Either way, he wasn’t going to grace it with another thought. He was going to get out of this suffocating confinement, and get some much needed stimulation. Any sort of distraction was exactly what he needed.

Bumblebee was always a good option for some meaningless yet entertaining bouts of banter. He’d be the best candidate for Starscream’s attention. Any of the Terrans would surely be far too complicated to navigate at the moment. What would he possibly say to them? Hashtag? How would that conversation go? He still didn’t know how to make anything up to her, and now would most certainly not be the right time to contemplate it.

The trap door closed behind him as he exited, and he slowly pushed aside the doors to the barn. Starscream hovered there a moment as he took in everyone’s positions. The humans had their wall opened up for the Terrans to share in their fueling session. They had some type of wrapped, organic slag, while the kids had some oddly shaped, frozen confection on a stick. It seemed like more of an excuse for a social event, like the Decepticons often did during their breaks. Perhaps such a thing wasn’t an abhorrent waste of time as he had once thought. Hashtag looked happy.

That cursed vision of Unicron cut through him in a fleeting, yet persisting force. It was coming. None of this mattered. Their meager moment of joy was nothing. Meridians scheming meant nothing. His defiance meant nothing. In the face of eternity, in the face of a god. They were all…

No. What was he thinking? It was just his overdramatic processor again. It had to be.

It had to be.

He needed to find Bumblebee. Focus on something else. Where was he?

Starscream shook his helm and shifted his wings. He felt for the subtle gusts of wind, filtered the structures and flora with those cows that surrounded him in his optics; as well as tuning his audials to minute notes of sound. Solid. Real. Like the absurd noises those creatures made, or the familiar pacing of peds around the corner.

He traced the edge of the barn and finally found just the mech he was looking for. That mattered enough. Right? Right.

Starscream leaned one servo on the exterior wall of the barn, and put the other on his hip. “Hey.”

Bumblebee was stacking cubes of hay–an amusing name for such a thing–a couple brandishing painted targets. “What?”

Scrap. What did he want to discuss with the bug again? Surely he had some sort of direction in mind for this interaction.

There was a moment of awkward silence between them as the question to his greeting went unanswered. He couldn’t let the scout think he came here without some sort of purpose! He needed to think of something. There had to have been something.

“Weellll…” Starscream began with an air of boredom laced with confidence. “Surely you were deprived of my presence for long enough after that…unfortunate, incident with Megatron. I am here to graciously offer my company! What are you doing?”

“Riiight. I’m just setting up a small target practice game for the kids for after they finish lunch.” Bumblebee placed another cube, then pointed to the color coded rings on the target. “The exercise is on accuracy, and I even have a fun point system with prizes planned for them! Ehhh I admit, Alex helped me figure out the prizes–but the rest is all yours truly!” He put a proud servo to his chest plate.

Starscream hesitated a moment as he scrutinized the rudimentary setup. “It’s a little… plain. No aerial targets? No projectiles for them to dodge? Tell me you are at least planning on throwing some incoming blaster fire. How would this teach anything?”

Bumblebee’s faceplate scrunched, then he ex-vented in frustration. “It isn’t meant to be so intense, just a bit of low stakes friendly competition to build some confidence. Not everything has to be some high stress ordeal to teach you something, thank you very much.” He dropped a cube to punctuate his statement, then knelt down to adjust it with a small grumble. “These kids already have plenty experience with that scrap if you ask me.”

“Hm…I suppose.” Wait, no, he couldn’t let the conversation lull out like that with only some passive agreement! He shifted his expression back into a comfortable smirk and prodded at the bug. “Are you certain that you are not simply too soft-sparked to allow them proper training? For Primus sake, a couple pebbles tossed their way wouldn’t permanently damage them. If you truly have confidence in their ability, you wouldn’t underestimate their threshold for punishment.”

Bumblebee tossed his servos in the air in some note of defeat. “Fine! I MIGHT add something for them to dodge. Like…water balloons! Ohoh now THAT would be perfect!” He bounced in place a moment before remembering where the objects he sought were located. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

The bug dashed off towards the humans for their assistance in the matter. He had taken that criticism surprisingly well. Perhaps Dorothy had talked to him about that patience slag or something. Starscream wasn’t sure if he was entirely enthused about that prospect or not. It was strange having the bug agree to some degree instead of turning to accuse him of some sort of scheme against them.

Starscream began tapping his ped in an effort to cement its presence below him as those images came into view again. Bumblebee was taking too long. What was it that he was even looking for with such urgency? Rocks would work just as well as whatever it was he was insisting upon. Why did it matter so much? The kids needed to be prepared for more than ridiculous little scoreboards anyway. Why had Starscream even initially agreed to that scrap?! None of them knew what was approaching, and they wouldn’t believe him if he warned them. Or…WAS it even something to worry about…?

“Hope ya didn’t miss me too much.” Bumblebee suddenly arrived and tossed a sack of flimsy elastics in his direction, of which Starscream instinctively caught with ease.

“What is this?” He inquired with a hint of disgust as he took one of the miniscule, assumed balloons from its packaging.

“They’re the water balloons, and since you wanted there to be projectiles so bad, YOU can fill ‘em up for me.” The scout strutted over to his ridiculous stacks of hay to continue his work with a smirk.

“Uugh…” Starscream groaned as he rolled his optics. “This–” He shook the elastics– “was not MY decision. You really only fill this scrap with water? How droll.”

“Yup! There’s a spigot right over there.” The bug gestured a couple yards from Starscream’s ped. “I suggest you get to filling those things because it’s gonna take ya quite a while. Trust me. It’s more difficult than you might think to deal with those things.”

Starscream scoffed and knelt down beside the spigot and carefully examined the fragile, sack-like elastics. “Don’t be dramatic, Bumblebee. I sincerely doubt this pathetic thing could possibly pose such a challenge.”

“Uuuhuh. I warned ya.”

Starscream glared at him suspiciously. Did he sabotage these things somehow?

He adjusted the balloon to the spigot and slowly began to crank the tiny, human sized wheel. If anything, it was absurdly precise and tedious. Then, the elastic abruptly detached itself and catapulted into the mud that resulted from the loose water.

Bumblebee laughed. “See? Not so easy is it?”

“Oh spare me the “I told you so”, and focus on setting your stupid excuse for targets over there.” He carefully attempted to pull open the elastic to fill it again, but it only tore into a useless mess. Whatever. He’d get a different one. This wasn’t so hard. Besides, such meticulous work was a perfect task to keep his own focus tethered to this ridiculous moment.

“Excuse me, my targets are resourceful and awesome.” Bumblebee proclaimed as he gestured to one of the stacks.

“Such strong words.” Starscream crooned. “Insecure about your lackluster little set up, are you?”

“Pff–” The scout scoffed with an indignant toss of a servo at the idea– “Hah, no! What would I have to be insecure about? That’s ridiculous. This idea is perfect and they are going to love it.” There was a moment of pause as he retrieved another cube and continuously readjusted their arrangement. “Right? Yeah. I know good target practice! You’re just a hater, as the kids say.”

Starscream snickered at the bug's antics, but growled as one of the balloons burst from merely being placed inside the bucket. These things were so weak. Why they were better than his rock suggestion was beyond him. “I will gladly be your ever loyal hater, Autobot.” He flicked his wings up tauntingly with a momentary glance back at Bumblebee.

He rolled his optics. “Gee, thanks. I’m flattered.”

“You should be.”

A more comfortable lapse in conversation fell between them as Starscream focused on the rhythm he’d gotten filling the silly little balloons. A couple of those birds were communicating in passing above them in some strange string of music. Bumblebee’s constant pacing was quite amusing to track, paired with his occasional muttering. Even taking an occasional moment to parse out what the Maltos were up to in the background proved to be a productive use of his attention.

Eventually, he topped off a fifth bucket filled with water balloons ready to be tossed at those unsuspecting Terrans. They had finished their fueling session and made their way towards Bumblebee’s target practice. He relayed the objective, displayed the parameters, and informed them that Starscream was going to be the one giving them an extra bit of a challenge to the exercise. Perfect.

Twitch was the first up. She watched him and waved a taunting servo in his direction. Starscream carefully selected one of the balloons, retracted his servo into his arm, and launched the projectile her way. She dodged it with ease. Impressive. The longer her turn went on, the more difficult he made his watery onslaught as he rapidly threw them her way and predicted her pattern of flight. Soon enough, She failed to dodge three of the shots, which put an end to her streak.

“Aw scrap! I totally thought I dodged that one!”

“You nearly would have, except you failed to account for your opponent changing their own trajectory at the last second.”

“You did great though! Never missed a target.” Bumblebee encouraged as he reset the cubes.

Hashtag was up next. She readied herself on her wheels after a quick scan of her surroundings, and the next round began on the scout’s signal. She had many close calls and missed one of her shots because of it. Yet halfway through, a new air of determination came to her faceplate, and her movements became more fluid and precise. Alas, once again, as Starscream allowed himself to aim with unyielding precision, she lost the rest of her strikes. The last hitting her square in the faceplate. It was good they weren’t rocks after all, he supposed.

“Augh! Dang it, I was so on a roll that time!”

“Hah! Perhaps, but if you want to keep your stamina for long term battles, you have to get consistent.”

“Hey, I’m supposed to be the teacher here Screamer!” Bumblebee complained plainly as he replaced the targets.

Starscream put a servo to his hip and arched an optical ridge. “Then by all means scout. Add some wisdom to the eager young sparks, why don’t you?”

“I will! Uh…well, Hashtag. You did great with utilizing your environment, but you could also try and transform your wheels away for quick stops to increase your sharp agility options when changing directions.” Surprisingly insightful.

“Ooooh, gotcha!”

Then came Nightshade. They were the first to actually retaliate against the incoming balloons with their own projectiles. They took a far more methodical approach by hiding behind the stacks of hay, and requiring Starscream to maneuver overhead on his thrusters to follow them. By the end, they got hit twice, and the third shot at the same time they had hit the last target in their alt mode. They landed, transformed back and shook off the water with a smile.

“Well that was invigorating! It is unfortunate I could not avoid that pesky balloon at the end.”

“There’s a moment of lag when you are readying that final attack of yours with your alt mode’s wings. It leaves you far too exposed if you aren’t careful about it.”

“Yes–” Bumblebee interjected with a raised digit– “that’s true, but using your offensive tools defensively is very smart Nightshade! And I’m sure we could work on that move of yours in the future by taking inspiration from Twitch and how she can flip and fire at the same time! We can always learn from each other's tactics while on the sidelines.”

The game continued through the rest of the Maltos kids. They were all actually quite impressive with their varying styles. Although he had to scold Jawbreaker regarding the validity of eating the water balloon as a response to an incoming attack. That wouldn’t save him against real blaster fire or a missile. The fact that the dinobot had argued simply that it wasn’t, only proved that this method of training wouldn’t teach them the true seriousness surrounding the lesson. Even so, Starscream could admit that this version of events was far more fun. The atmosphere was calm. There was no looming threat of a trip to the medbay. Only the prospect of reward for doing one’s best.

It all seemed very juvenile. All the same, he enjoyed toying with Bumblebee, giving the Terrans little notes of advice, and watching them light up at the silly prizes they won. Hashtag even asked to run the course a second time to improve her score. Starscream revelled in the fact that he could see her little bouts of improvement. As well as the fact that she listened to any critics he gave her. Starscream even showed Nightshade and Twitch how to rapidly change direction in the air. A tactic of which a couple of the other Terrans attempted to mimic from the ground.

Such moments of peace and comradery were fleeting. Yet still something he was determined to cherish in these strange times. He’d never spout such nonsense aloud, mind you. But it was true all the same.

He could focus on detailing aerial maneuvers, and sharp shooting a moving target. Focus on the decisive wind through his wings, and the rocks beneath his peds. The vast sky overhead, with a single, small moon barely visible in the blue sky.

He didn’t want to think about anything else.