#whole ass writing degree too LMAO I seriously thought

[theloveinc]

This whole time… this whole time I thought I just wasn’t capable of writing long fics/short stories. Turns out I just wasn’t as good a writer.

[rusted-pipe-of-wisdom]

I TRIED TO REQUEST THIS ONCE AND FIREFOX REALLY SHUT ME DOWN AND SAID NO BUT I WILL PERSIST BECAUSE I MUST :V anyway if you get the other one too somehow, I'm sorry for double prompting lmao SO for dadwc can I get "I’m sure i can get some kind of sexual gratification just from staring at him if i try hard enough.” for handers? >:3 a million bonus points for corvid AU because I cannot get enough but I will always take ANY handers flavor A++++ thank u love u xoxoxo

wtf even happened here

@dadrunkwriting tw: body horror, xenophilia, horrible bird jokes, UST

---

"I've gotta hand it to you, Killer: were I to guess your type, 'bird' wouldn't be my first choice. Or second."

Under normal circumstances Khaled would hiss at this remark; he was busy brewing tea, however, and missed the opportunity. Varric gave him a friendly grin from across the table.

The creature he mentioned was sitting on Hawke's writing desk in a neighbouring room. He was grooming his expansive wings, utilizing his abnormally long fingers and a small brush. The skin of his hands was dark-grey, scaly and calloused, coated in fluffy soft feathers. Khaled eyed him now and then, through fragrant steam and streams of sunlight, through the doorframe and the mirror.

He never could hide his emotions very well. He wasn't afraid of Anders despite the nightmarish appearance. In fact, he found it easy on the eye. Not to mention Anders was charming and gentle, a patient listener... and he liked tea. Khaled has never met a tea-loving bird before. He found it adorable.

"Blood of the Hawkes." He set the tray onto the table. "It's in our nature to be plucky."

Varric let out a throaty laughter.

"Oh, that's a good one! I'm stealing it. But seriously, he's been crashing in your attic for what, a year now?" His pitch got lower as he noted with caution, "I thought you'd be done with family matters. After, uhm..."

Khaled pinned him down with a glare.

"I am." He crushed a sugar cube with a tea spoon. "And it doesn't matter. As you've correctly noticed, he's a whole ass bird."

"A talking bird, Killer. A bird that can defend itself in court."

Khaled considered the possibility. He surmised that birds lacked in literacy and were thus incapable of submitting a court appeal.

"I'm sure I can get some kind of sexual gratification just from staring at him." He settled down, pushing his chair far enough to peek into the study. Anders had gotten into a jar of body glitter from the Blooming Rose, which turned him ecstatic. He was now smearing it over his skin with a look of utter delight.

"Or," Varric smirked, "you could offer him a romantic dinner with some rye seeds."

"If your next suggestion involves passing them along with my mouth, I'm tossing you out of the window."

Varric was right though. Khaled knew it as he sipped his tea, as he missed one witty retort after another, as he excused himself, as he let his friend out and locked the door. He leaned on it, forehead pressed against cool polished wood. His thoughts were too loud and his head too full.

You've got a literal demon living in your attic, implored the voice of reason - it sounded a lot like Mother. A horrible scary twisted bird-demon. His head rotates at one hundred and eighty degrees. His screeching fills Hightown with eternal dread. He chases dogs. He molts. He swings from the chandelier. He plucked ser Karras' eyes out with his feet.

Yes. And he's a talented mage - minus the unfortunate affair that turned him into a bird. He's passionate and kind. He's witty. His fingers are strong as steel, talons drawing blood when they drag across your skin. His body is graceful and there is a sense of great wonder about it, a thrill before the unknown, and...

He smacked his fist into the door, teeth gritting from the pain. Molting wasn't the problem. An abomination is allowed precious few freedoms as it is; it felt wrong to encroach on the remaining ones. Even if it meant running a hand over the shiny plumage, hugging the narrow waist, counting every bone under the scaly skin, following the curves of the spine and overgrown clavicles and...

He ran up to his room, slammed the door shut, burrowed into the pillows, cursing wordlessly at his own stupid mind and body. He wanted the creature, needed Anders' wrongness and abnormality. He longed for ticklish touch of feathers, ache of scratches, human warmth in what was definitely not human. He wondered what it would feel like to rub his erection against a body barely resembling his own, to find a way of pleasuring it, loving it when the very concept of love couldn't apply to its features. And...

He rolled his hips, rutting into the mattress, feeling a surge of heat deep in his belly and a damp touch of fabric against his cock. It felt filthy, shameful, strange. It also felt so fucking good. Not as good as admiring the span of black wings, digging into the feathers, feeling, fondling every bump and hollow, kissing scars Anders hated to show, and...

The heat grew unbearable and he curled up with a loud moan, and for a while his heart was beating somewhere within his throat and hammering against him like it was about to burst out. He lay that way, panting, for what felt like an age. His cheek got itchy; he scratched it and studied the residue left on his fingers.

It was a thin dusting of golden body glitter.

[legionofpotatoes]

alright here’s ma thoughts on that flick I mentioned

we hatewatched a*my of the dead because we were CONVINCED “zombies in las vegas” would be an impossible concept to screw up, but in so assuming we obviously invoked a holy wager with the universe and got reminded, once again, that hoping for improvement from someone who’s dependably put out bad art is never a wise choice 😐

but we were honestly kinda roped in by the marketing??? and expected a goofy fast-paced flick with the odd traditional undead metaphor thrown in, framing some sort of relationship drama maybe or hell even nothing at all! we’d have taken pure indulgent storytelling, idk italian job with zombies in las vegas, I don’t know fucking anything but??? whatever this was???? spoilers below for it is time for One Of My Rants

I mean the main reason I really want to write all this and complain. this film here probably has the most unappealing cinematography I have ever experienced in my life and that is saying something. who the fuck signed off on that CONSTANT shallow-ass depth of field that imprisons your eyeline and turns every shot into bokeh paste???? and I mean every shot almost!!!! I promise if you think I am overreacting just throw a dart at the seek bar and watch twenty seconds from wherever it lands. it is horrifying to look at. at least it gave my girlfriend a good visual shorthand for what it’s like when I lose my glasses

why was sean spicer in this movie. did they pay him to be here. was sean spicer paid hollywood money for his scene in this film because fuck everyone who was involved in that decision

the legitimately baffling hints at the extraterrestrial origins of the infection that went absolutely nowhere and had no dramatic or plot-level bearing. we love to see the franchise sprouts fellas

yet another big budget waste of everything hiroyuki sanada has to offer. and bautista too I guess? I like him but man was this an odd career move

what was the crux of his conflict/resolution with his daughter btw. I understand it was rooted in miscommunication over their forms of grief irt mom but uhh… it was all rather clunky and didn’t land for me. I tried I really tried to buy in but something was wrong fundamentally with the groundwork there, it did not click and their catharsis felt unearned. I know there’s massive amounts of tragic baggage being projected there from the author so I’m not slapping any judgment down really;

but again it would be an easy thing to wave off if they just had a vibrant cast of lovable simpletons with good chemistry and the kinetic sense of plotting the trailers promised (and this premise never discounts good drama, either). but instead it was just two and a half (!) hours of meandering into situations the filmmaking instincts had no idea how to flow in and out of

to wit. I know talking about “bad pacing” is associated with armchair bullshit but consider the example of the scene were dieter does an out of nowhere little dance after childishly screaming but then still-killing a zombie, with the film framing this as a micro character triumph, and not a second later the bg soundtrack instantly fades into an orchestral score dramatizing a nearby mcguffin reveal, completely 180 degreeing the tone without a semblance of deft insert shot stitching or even I dont know a fucking jump cut maybe. now imagine this whiplash for 2.5 hrs uninterrupted

I will keep complaining about the length yeah because this was not a story requiring this much real estate to be told. Uhh in my humble and personal opinion, of course

[man sees zombie tiger] “this is crossing the line!” you can in fact write dialogue that is not utter nonsense that falls apart once you drill down its single fickle layer of referential meta winking. what line are you talking about. you have rules in this insane situation you’re in? total nitpick moment I know but it got burned in my brain for some reason. like a microcosm of the mismanaged dramatic instincts paired with weird writing that dots this movie. I am sure the director calls this either satire or genre deconstruction. I am SO sure

tumblr domino meme that goes from “dude getting sucked off while driving” to “entire las vegas literally nuked”

tig notaro is always great to see but once you know she’s been filmed as a separate greenscreen plate months after photography wrapped - cause she had to apparently replace some abusive asshole but that’s a whole other pig not worth fucking - it becomes impossible to unsee her odd detachment from everyone else in the movie lmao. it doesn’t really “ruin” anything on its lonesome but it is hard to unsee

why. was. sean. spicer. in. this. movie

a very simple key ingredient missing from fully turning lip service sympathy for main uruk hai dude into actual empathy that would generate meaningful conflict with hero family would be to spend a bit more time articulating what he internally wanted the most. because he was obviously trying to do something here with pointed agenda. a family, to have kids, build a caste system, save his wife’s head, return to his planet??? all of these could represent the bigger context in his psychology that spurred his vengeance but none of them are dramatically emphasized long enough for you to cheer him on. I’m not asking too much I promise. Articulating interiority of a mute character is pretty doable with deft cinema language, just gotta linger and hold a shot here and there for a few seconds, frame as his POV, donezo. I know this is also one of those like. “who cares” moments but the movie does, very evidently so, in making this guy an actual character. you can kinda piece it together and create a framework of sympathy for him, sure, but then again he ultimately becomes a foil to be killed and not defeated, so. Ehh whatever

quarantine zone stuff was not a wildly childish covid allegory quarantine zone stuff was not a wildly childish covid allegory quarantine zone stuff was n

the rooftop helicopter fakout at the end was such an ass-backwards, manufactured moment of what could be a simple setup/payoff it just pissed me off??? you gain nothing by giving sad dad five seconds of pointless crisis that flips right back to previous status quo ANYWAY, except for a weaksauce waste of runtime, which could be used instead to get inside notaro’s head and actually SHOW the remorse form as she took off, literally maybe even a frown playing on her face as she’s headed for safety right before we cut back to drax and the kid. just a simple-ass, minimal, momentary setup for what is the most basic filmmaking trick of creating macro catharsis moments. Just???? g o d if you can’t even land that shit why are you even doing any of this

that lil run final pam did was very very charming and super choreographed in a way that was the tiiiniest bit overdone

the whole intro with the simul-backstories and posing with family photos was just… oddly motivated. what was the goal? “here’s what we’re fighting for” vignettes? why? it’s not a functional setup in that vein. what was all that

also I am sorry if this is insensitive but the reasons most characters end up articulating to justify going back into the hell that destroyed their lives makes them sound seriously insane

I dont like complaining about CGI (honestly) but so much of it in modern movies can achieve higher fidelity if the animation is simply subdued. Do not overengineer and over-apply 2D cell methodologies and kinematics to each tiny twitch and movement in a hyper 3D model and I promise you. it will look a thousand times more natural. look at thanos in those last two movies. your rendering and detail are absolutely perfect with the tiger you just have to let stuff sit instead of constantly simulating swaying hair strands and firing off all facial muscles at once. great moment at one point where makeup zombie horse and CG zombie tiger are both in one shot together and just by unnecessary amounts of movement alone you can tell who doesn’t belong. again; detail, rendering, compositing, lighting, all picture-perfect; but y’all just gotta let the animation breathe sometimes, and chill it out

plot holes don’t really matter to me but it was kinda funny how lilly decided not to mention the enormous wrinkle in intel pertaining to an actual territorial tribe of intelligent zombies that require human offerings to let you pass, just so that reveal could play out in real time through the joyous punishment of the cartoonishly misogynistic dude

total chad move for mister uruk hai and final pam to rule from a rusted swimming pool complex

the ending with vanderohe oh my god. with the. cash stacks at the airport register. and specifically them working in his favor. that is literally something you do to get arrested under suspicion of theft. it was almost played for laughs and I respect that. coulda been goofier. make these movies goofy ya dorks

anyway, weird, weird movie. bad marketing. message unclear (something something sins of the father???), baffling editing instincts, literal worst-looking cinematography I ever laid eyes upon. Confidently dying on that last hill

[guessmonsta]

YOUR BOKUTO + KUROO WINGMAN FIC WAS SO FUNNY!!!! I was literally laughing the whole way through. The way you write is so funny and wholesome I can't get enough of it. If it's possible, can you please please please do a part two to the Bokuto fic? I just wanna see him fall in love, that's all. Thank you so much!

If you read ANY of my college AU fics involving Bokuto, Kuroo, or Tendou, you know that I made them all friends. They need to be friends, I don’t even care what you say or what you believe. Tendou was cheated from being in the third gym, period. He’s stupid and lovely and has stupid crazy hair and would be best friends with Kuroo and Bokuto instantly. Also this is stupid long, and for what? And for what? I’ll probably end up doing part three too??? And that's being a slut for Bokuto. 

Also here’s part one 

Bokuto stared blankly at his phone screen, almost expecting something to happen without him putting the work in. 

Her contact stared back at him, reading, “__”, with a bunch of heart emojis after her name. He would never admit that he put the hearts there himself, though. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to gain out of just staring at her phone number, his phone wasn’t going to text her itself. To be honest, Bokuto hadn’t created a mental plan past talking to her in the cafe that Saturday,and he sure as hell never expected her to give him her number. He wasn’t even sure how long he was supposed to wait before he texted her. It was Monday morning, had he waited too long? Did she forget about him all together? Does she even want him to text her? 

Bokuto shook his head and sighed, then set his phone face flat on the dining hall table. His friend, Satori, looked up at him, and cocked an eyebrow. 

“Somebody’s got his panties in a twist today.” Satori hummed, setting his own phone down in the same fashion. 

“You think I wear panties?” 

Satori stared at him dumbfounded, then scrunched his face. Choosing to ignore it, he took a jab at his fruit salad, then chuckled. 

“Is it that girl?” 

“Wait, how do you know?” 

“You say this as if Kuroo didn’t post a three minute long video to his snapchat story about spitting up iced coffee everywhere in public.” Satori laughed. 

“Drama queen.” Bokuto sighed. “I just really don’t know how to talk to girls.” 

“You?” Satori cocked his eyebrow again. “You don’t know how to talk to girls?”

“Nope.” 

“Damn.” Satori chuckled again. “See, I was under the notion that you were a popular Pretty Boy in high school. I mean, look at you,” Satori’s eyes scanned Bokuto up and down, then he winked. “You’re like the universal standard for male attractiveness.” 

“I mean, I guess, but,” Bokuto sighed. Getting dejected over nothing wasn’t his plan for this morning, but Satori knew how to handle it. “When I was in high school I never really put a lot of thought into dating girls. Like yeah, I had a couple girlfriends here and there, but, like, volleyball was my real girl, you know?” 

Satori shot Bokuto a stank face, then shook his head. 

“You mean to tell me in high school, in your prime, you could have gotten any girl you wanted and you were the asshole who turned girls down because volleyball came first? Wo-ow, what a problem you have.”

“I know! I know. Now that’s my problem. If I had paid more attention to my relationships in high school then maybe texting this girl wouldn’t be so hard.” Bokuto shrugged. Maybe Satori didn’t know how to handle it all that well, because all he could offer was a confused stank face. 

“Listen, you and I both know that you’re hot. If she gave you her number, then she’s obviously into you. Just shoot you shot.” 

“But I don’t play basketball, Satori!” Bokuto groaned. “And what am I even supposed to say? “Hey remember those two idiots who came in and spit up everywhere? Hi!” 

“Yes! Literally that’s exactly what you should say!” 

“But should I?” 

“God have mercy! You’re hopeless!” Satori sighed dramatically, then flinged a grape off of his plastic fork at Bokuto’s face. Bokuto winced, then ate the grape to spite him. “Oh, and you better get moving, your practice starts in ten minu-utes.” 

Bokuto looked back at his phone, and realized it was 9:50. If he had texted __ now, he would be thinking about her replying all throughout practice. If he had waited to text her until later, he would be thinking about what to say the entire time anyway. It was a lose lose situation for silly little Bokuto in love, he realized. He finished his waffles in a hurry, gave Satori a quick, harsh, and unexpected bro-hug, then jogged off to practice. 

By the time practice was over, Bokuto was sweaty, tired, and couldn’t stop thinking about __. He knew that Kuroo had been watching him all throughout practice, especially when he cackled when he missed a very direct hit on the cleanest set he had ever seen. Kuroo took a seat next to him on the bench, wiped his forehead with a rag, then snapped it against Bokuto’s arm. 

“Ow!” Bokuto jumped, grabbing the towel from Kuroo’s hands then wiping it against Kuroo’s ass as he attempted to jump up and run away. Kuroo cackled again, something he seemed to be doing a lot lately. Bokuto’s crush was a free ticket to Comedy Central for Kuroo. 

“Satori texted me and told me you were a pain in the ass at breakfast.” 

“Did he actually?” Bokuto whined. 

“No.” Kuroo chucked. “But he didn’t have to tell me you were having a crisis for me to know that you’re having a crisis.” 

“You know me that well, bro?” 

“Always, bro.” Kuroo held one hand over his heart, then pat Bokuto on the back. “But you gotta text her.” 

“O-okay, o-okay fi-ine.” Bokuto sighed. “What do I even say?” 

“Listen, just because I’m charming and handsome doesn’t mean that I can carry your entire relationship for you and that lovely little barista.” Kuroo shrugged. “Just be yourself. She obviously likes you.” 

Bokuto whipped his phone out of his pocket, and it automatically opened to __’s contact. Kuroo’s cheeks puffed up into a laugh, then he wheezed, again. Maybe Bokuto had to stop being so obvious. 

Bokuto clicked the message icon, and quickly, without even thinking, typed- 

Hey __! It’s Owlboy Sexyman from the cafe Saturday. How are you!

And he sent it. Without a second thought. He sighed, then set his phone down on the bench. 

Before Kuroo could even ask him what he sent, he heard his phone chime. Bokuto gasped, then Kuroo gasped, and Bokuto leaped for his phone. 

Hey Bokuto! 

I was starting to think you didn’t see my number on the cup lmao 

“She remembers my name!” Bokuto beamed. “She remembers my name, Kuroo! Oh my god!” 

Bokuto jumped up from the bench, and turned his screen to Kuroo. 

“Oh my god, dude, stop, stop, I can’t read the message, you’re jumping too much.” Kuroo laughed. “What did she say!” 

Bokuto tossed his phone at Kuroo, then clapped his hands together into a praying motion. 

Kuroo read the messages, then cocked an eyebrow. 

“Du-ude.”

“Du-ude!” Bokuto couldn’t stop beaming.

“Bokuto, where the hell was this energy during practice!” An older teammate shouted at him, then laughed. Bokuto ignored this statement completely. Once he got the ball moving, it was going to keep its momentum. 

Later at his dorm, Bokuto sat on his bed with his phone in his hands. He felt like he looked like his little sister. She used to spend all day in her room snapchatting boys and trying to find the perfect lighting to take pictures of herself. He never really understood it, but as he was sitting here waiting for a text back from __, he felt that same energy. 

He had never really liked a girl this much ever before in his life. He wasn’t even sure what it was. What went from a small admiration over how beautiful and sweet she looked behind the counter at the cafe turned into a full blown admiration after his minute long conversation with her. Everything about her was just so cool, so collected, she made him feel the same way volleyball made him feel, how he felt when he saw a cute dog when he was out on a jog. She was the first day of summer and waking up on Christmas morning. He could feel his excitement for her vibrate all the way to his fingertips. 

You remembered my name! 

Of course I do! You and your friend literally made my entire day on Saturday, haha. 

I went back to my dorm and told my roommates the whole story lmao

Do you go to Todai? 

Yeah! I’m in my first year. What about you? 

Me too! 

Sucks I’ve never seen you around. 

Todai is so big I feel like if you see somebody once you never see them again. 

I’ll keep a look out for you tho ;) 

Where do you dorm? 

I’m in Komaba on the 20th floor :( 

I love the view but some days the elevators are full so I have to take the stairs and it’s terrible 

I’m at Komaba too! 

But on the fourth floor haha 

I guess it’s a nice workout though 

I haven’t been doing much exercise since volleyball ended in high school 

Do you still play? 

Yeah, Kuroo and I are on the schools team 

Oh

Kuroo is the guy who spit everywhere 

Kuroo’s a legend

I thank him for his service 

And that's seriously super cool. I wasn’t good enough to play for college, haha. 

I miss it though

Well, if you were busy playing volleyball, you wouldn’t have anytime to be the cutest barista ever 

As soon as Bokuto sent the message, he regretted it. Was that really all he had to say to her?

Omg, awh, don’t flatter me

We should meet up! What are you up to right now? 

Bokuto felt his face flush a thousand degrees. He had no idea how to contain his excitement around her, let alone his obvious crush. A small giggle escaped him as he typed back. 

I’m honestly doing nothing but texting you in my dorm right now. 

Me too, haha

We should go get food or something together! 

My next class isn’t till 3

Before Bokuto could even ask her what her room number was, he found himself running up sixteen flights of stairs to meet her. Where this sudden adrenaline came from, he had no idea, and if any of the older guys on the team saw him, they would tease him more about not using this energy in practice. Once he reached the twentieth floor, he was breathless. The whole thing gave him flashbacks to running to meet Kuroo a couple days before. All he wanted right now was to see her. 

He looked down at his phone, then typed a quick, 

What's your dorm number? 

I’m in room 2016 :) 

Two seconds later, Bokuto found himself standing in front of the door, and knocking lightly. He heard something crash from the inside, and a small string of mumbled curses. When the door opened up in front of him, his heart skipped three beats when his eyes met hers. 

She was significantly shorter than him, by a foot, if he was guessing right. Her hair was down and cascaded over her shoulders, something he hadn’t seen before. Somehow, she was even prettier with her hair down than she was worth it pulled back for work. Pretty __ eyes blinked once, twice, and a small, confused smile parted into a laugh. 

“How the hell did you get up here this quick?” She chuckled, motioning for him to step inside the dorm. “Are you secretly superman and you’re not telling me?” 

“If I told you I ran up here before I asked for your room number, would that be weird?” He sighed. He was still a little bit breathless, but the last thing he wanted was to lose his composure. She took a seat on her desk chair, and spun herself around in a circle before stopping and shaking her head. 

“Nah, I’ll take it. I don’t like superman anyway. Now, if you had said Thor, that’s a different story.” She giggled. “You didn’t have to sprint up here you know. I could’ve met you in the dining hall.” 

Bokuto honestly hadn’t even realized that was an option, even though it was much more realistic. He hadn’t even realized he was standing in the prettiest girl in the world’s bedroom until his eyes met hers again. 

Oh god, and she was so pretty. He could hear Kuroo and Satori mocking him in the back of his head as he stared at her pushing herself into another circle in her desk chair. 

“I know I didn’t have to.” He said, his voice almost cracking. “But I figured you’d like it.” Smooth recovery. 

“Honestly?” She shrugged, “I can’t say somebody has ever ran up sixteen flights of stairs for me, so yeah. I take it as an honor” 

__ then stood up, then led Bokuto out of her dorm. 

“We can take the elevator down this time.” 

“Thank god.” Bokuto sighed. “No offense, but 32 flights of stairs isn’t worth it for anyone.” 

“Hey, I get it. Three flights of stairs isn’t worth it for me, so you’re already breaking a record.” 

At the dining hall, they just talked about little things. Where they went to high school, what they were majoring in, their favorite animal, which both happened to be dogs, and what type of dogs they liked. They shared funny stories from high school, like the time Kuroo accidentally swallowed a beetle at training camp, and she told a shocking story about the “accident” at her own school. He was so interested in talking to her that he forgot that he was supposed to be eating, and he never forgets about that. 

Their relationship was obviously flirtatious, but Bokuto couldn’t tell if she was flirting with him in the way Kuroo flirted with people, or in a way where she actually liked him. In bed that night, the last thing he thought about was her sitting across from him in the dining hall, and he had a feeling his mind would replay her face for a while.

[cilliansaccent]

The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 1

Hello everyone!! I’ve finally gotten around to posting a fanfic of Cillian, below you will find details of the first chapter. It is not a READER x CILLIAN fic, I am not a fan of writing those types and find it too tedious. So, you will be given a premade character. But you are most welcome to imagine yourself as the girl ;)

Please leave a like or any comments below on ways to improve, please be kind but you are welcome to be critical! I’m open to ideas and fixing up mistakes. Also, sharing would be amazing!!

Note, PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!! 

——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-

Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 4,080

Warnings: None.

Date: March 2016

Chapter Name: The Internship of a Lifetime

Brief Chapter Outline: Gabrijela leaves her parents in Sydney after a big argument about her Internship. She arrives at Heathrow tired and restless, only to be approached by a man…

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The drive to the airport was long and quiet. Gabrijela watched out the window of the car, watching the houses and the cars drive by. Thinking of the trip ahead. She had worked quite hard the last couple of years, to prove herself to her teacher and to her family. Especially to her family who were the harshest critics of her very own life. But at least her teacher was proud, she loved the portfolio Gabrijela had pulled together in the final year of her studies. And she would bring it with her, to show to the new teacher she will have in London. 

The last few weeks were the worst for her, constant arguing with her mother and father, over this trip. It hurt her the most, she thought she would have made them proud. But no, it seemed it made them angry. She shut her eyes, it didn’t matter now, she made it this far and she was going to enjoy the year on the set of a TV Show, learning how to be a fashion designer, how to create and tailor for actors and actresses. It made her giddy with excitement. It wasn’t long before the airport came into view, her father pulled into the multilevelled parking and parked. They were four hours early, so they killed time by walking around and eating. Chatter was light, anything to keep her parents distracted by the thought of their only daughter flying away. But, the time came around and they headed to the departures gate. “Please, be safe.” Her mother, Liljana, frowned, hugging her daughter tightly. Gabrijela held her close, she would miss them a lot, despite the rocky relationship that has sprung between them. “If anything happens, call us right away, no matter the time. Don’t do anything that will cause you harm--” “Dad, I’ll be fine. I swear. I’m twenty-five, I’m not a child anymore.” Gab cut her stern-looking father off. He sucked in a breath, “Don’t you--” “Nikola,” Her mother snapped, “Our daughter will be late.” Her father sighed, tears lining his eyes as he hugged her tightly. “Please, please take care. You know we love you.” He murmured. “I know. I love you, I love you both.” She pulled her mother into the hug and they held each other for a bit. Gabrijela pulled away, tears falling down her cheeks. She spoke in her language, Croatian, “I love you.” She had said and picked up her bags and headed to the gate, she turned to wave goodbye to her parents before she set off on the long flight.

23 Hours Later…

It was 9am when she had landed at Heathrow Airport. The flight was long and exhausting, she couldn’t sleep the whole way, she never could sleep on aeroplanes anyway. She rubbed her eyes as she lugged her massive suitcase and a smaller one with a heavy handbag. Once out of customs, she stood in the middle, checking her paperwork. She was told someone would pick her up and take her to her apartment in London. She looked around, she hadn’t seen anyone holding a sign or… seemed to be the type to be picking up anyone. “Great.” She groaned, she had no way of contacting the number, she had to get herself a sim card of some sort and access to wifi. She rubbed her forehead, she was gross all over, sleep-deprived and annoyed. “Hello, are you Gabrijela?” An accented male voice got her to turn around. The man was absolutely stunning, sharp-angled jaw, piercing blue eyes, thousands of freckles… Cillian was handsome on TV but in person… She was blown away. She didn’t see he held out a hand, and she shook herself back to reality. “H-Hi, yes that’s me.” She took his hand, warm and strong. “I’m Cillian, I believe you were expecting someone else.” He said, his smile was literally breathtaking. “Uh, yeah. Allison, she was uh, supposed to pick me up.” She nodded, setting down her small carry on luggage. “Yeah, she’s been quite sick the last few days. So, I took up on the offer to pick you up.” He explained. Gabrijela felt her heart skip a beat, he offered? “Aw, thank you. That’s, that’s super sweet of you.” She flashed him a grin. “Always. Come on, let’s get you out of here. You look exhausted.” He grabbed the biggest luggage and her carry on. “Oh no, let me carry that.” She started to grab it. “Don’t worry, it’s no bother.” He said. Another smile made her blush. Together they walked towards the elevator. It was nice outside, a little on the cooler side but she liked the cold weather despite it being almost summer here. They squished into the elevator, moving as far back as possible as people crammed in. She was crushed against the body of the Irish man, a soft chuckle reverberated through him. Her heart was hammering in her chest, the ride up felt like forever. A ride she didn’t want to end, she thought. But, like all things, it came to an end and they stepped out. They came to his car, a BMW of some sort. She whistled, “Favourite car ever.” She said as she helped him stuff her bags into the back. “Yeah, I love it. Fast and comfortable and a touch of luxury.” Cillian said as he held open the door for her. “Thank you.” She hastily got in, the interior was leather and dark. And smelled like… the ocean and a hint of forest. Cillian got in and started up the car, it came alive with a low hum. “Do you have the address of where you are staying?” “Oh yes, here I’ll read it out,” Gab said and read out the address. “Huh, they found a nice place.” He punched in the address and pulled out of the parking place. Jazz music played softly, she never listened to this type of genre. “So, how was the flight?” He asked. “Long. Very long. Seven hours from Sydney to Singapore then had under an hour to hop on to the next flight. Thirteen hours.” She replied, “I didn’t sleep, can’t. Watched some movies, tried to read but failed. I had a pounding headache and the guy couldn’t stop going to the toilet.” “Shit sounds bad. But don’t worry, you are not expected in the studio in three days, so you have time to recover.” He said. “Oh really? Do you… know what I’ll be doing?” Gabrijela asked, but then thought it was a stupid question. “Ah, that was silly to ask. It states in my paperwork.” She laughed. “No question is stupid. You’ll be working with our designer, helping her out in organising what we are to wear, the styles, colours. All that fashion stuff. Allison is a wonderful woman, an expert. You’ll learn a lot from her.” Cillian said proudly, “She works with all of us actors, tailoring the suits and dresses to such perfection.” The way he spoke about Allison made Gabrijela nervous. He seemed fond of the woman, and by how he was dressed during the show… God, she was going to be greatly challenged. And she would work her ass off the coming months, no complaints. She would do it. “She seems like a lovely person, I can't wait to start.” She clasped her hands to her chest, looking over at the older man. “As we all, Allison seriously loved your portfolio, and she had shown us. You have a fantastic idea and creativity.” Cill said. Gabrijela blushed bright red. “She showed you… my portfolio? From University?” She whispered. Her nerves spiked, and worry set in. “Oh, she was very impressed. Couldn’t hold back. Hey.” His voice softened, she looked at him again, they had stopped at a set of lights. He faces her, “I can see that doubt in your eyes. Don't be fearful, you should be proud of your work. It’s yours to claim and your creative noggin here made. Don’t let others cloud your thoughts.” He said, his blue gaze intense yet caring. She sucked in a breath and they moved on, “I guess so. It’s just… you all are so talented and amazing and… Gah, it’s scary. I didn’t even think I’d get this. It’s been a dream long coming for me to work on an amazing set with equally amazing people.” Gabrijela admitted. “We are just regular people who must play an act. That’s all.” He let out a light chuckle. “Still, for me, it’s so cool. I thought I’d be good at acting and tried to do a play during school, uh yeah, nah. I messed up majorly on the first night of the play. Still remember it.” She laughed shyly. “Wardrobe malfunction and I forgot my lines. All of them. Worst stage fright ever.” “No.” He said in disbelief. “Yes! In front of eight hundred students and staff. I refused to continue on after that. Gave that shit up and went into a design class where I hid from the world, scribbling away my thoughts and feelings.” They both laughed. “Well, I think you picked the best path. You’re here, a bright, creative mind amongst us. Welcome aboard.” He exclaimed. His laugh was a blessing to hear, it made her skin prick with goosebumps. She admired this man beside her for a long while, she had seen him in every movie he played. She was fascinated by how he worked, how easily he stepped into his given role so perfectly… And here she was, in his car, laughing and talking. Still, right now, it felt like a dream. A comfortable silence fell between them, and she watched the scene outside. Old buildings began to turn to more flashier ones as they made their way into the heart of London. Cillian spoke up and pointed out interesting buildings and told some facts, she listened intently, she would come back to these areas to check them out. Especially the Tower of London castle. “The Tube here is good. Fast but can get very packed during peak times, and very stuffy.” He said as they came into a pretty neighbourhood. “I heard that the train line is good.” Gab nodded. It wasn't long when he pulled up beside a three levelled building. The whole street was lined with these white, pretty buildings. “Here we are.” He said and got out, she pulled herself out and groaned. Stretching, she said, “This is a really pretty area.” “Quiet, and safe. Close to the station and to the shops, five minutes down the road you’ll come to a food market.” He said, pulling out her luggage with a grunt. She grabbed her smaller ones, “That's good. I might need to go down to it after this to grab some, and I need to get a sim card for my phone.” She said as they trudged up the stairs to the large wooden door. “I’d love to help you out if you want?” He asked as they unlocked the door. “Oh, sure. I’d like that.” She smiled up at him. “This floor and the one above is occupied, but the top-level is yours.” He said they both looked at the stairs. “Oh god. Why don’t you let me help you? My bag is heavy, I don't want you to hurt yourself.” She said. “Ah, fine fine. Want me to go first or you?” He asked. “Maybe you.” She said. Together they fought with the luggage, huffing and puffing up three flights of narrow, steep stairs. Once at the top they both sat down, laughing. “What is in this thing?” He ran a hand through his hair, his smile lopsided. “Clothes, shoes, a bag, girly items.” Gabrijela giggled, moving beside him. “Uh-huh. Come on, let's get you settled in.” He said and got up, he held out a hand to her. She took it and was pulled to her feet. “You do the honours.” He handed her a set of keys. She took them and unlocked the door to her apartment. The first thing they were greeted was the open space, to the right was a two-seater dark grey couch and a small flat-screen TV mounted to the wall above a fireplace. Behind the couch was a double bed with a million cushions and dark tones for sheets. Further was the balcony that overlooked the street. To the left was a small modern kitchen with a wall separating the rooms, it was designed in a way where a square cut out of the wall was turned into like a breakfast bar with two stools. Beside the kitchen was a generously large bathroom with a bathtub build into the wall equipped with a showerhead. The colours were dark browns, greys and splashes of copper and silver and greens in the decor. “Wardrobe is under the bed and in the dresser here.” Cillian patted the dark wood piece that was set beside the bathroom door. “London apartments are quite small but small design aspects use space very effectively.” “This is… Wow, I didn't expect it to be so… Lovely.” She touched the fluffy throw on the bed. It felt like luxury. She sunk down on the bed, bouncing on it. She kept looking around. “You’ll be calling this your home in the coming months, so get as comfy as you like.” Gabrijela sucked in a breath, “Thank you.” She said, her emotions were all over the place, happiness, fear, excitement. “What for?” Cillian asked, sitting beside her. “For all of this. For this opportunity.” Her eyes shimmered with utter joy. “Don’t thank me. Thank the ones who got to make this happen.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I will, but to you especially. I’ve uh, I’ve always admired you in films you act in. And I absolutely love Peaky Blinders, it's a fantastic show and I am truly excited to work with you and everyone else.” She said in a single breath, her cheeks heating. He let out a soft laugh, “I could say the same, as I said before, we are delighted to have you on the team.” She felt so shy around him, his eyes, his smile, everything about him made her feel so giddy. He truly was one kind of a man, and her love and admiration only grew more for him. “Well, I had an idea. You give me a list of what you need, and you get yourself comfortable and shower or whatever.” Cillian stood up. “Oh no, no, no. I can’t do that. I’ve already taken up so much of your time today, I think it’s best if I just go myself.” She stood up quickly, shaking her head. “Please, it’s no bother, really. You’ve had a long trip,” he grabbed notepad on the dresser and a pen from his pocket and handed it to her. “List, please.” She sighed, “God, fine.” She huffed and scribbled down some things she’d like. “There you go, Mr Pushy.” Cillian tucked the paper into his jacket pocket, “I’ll see you soon.” He said and left. Gabrijela waited before she let out an excited cry. She did a little dance and laughed, “Oh thank you God for this opportunity!” She unpacked some stuff, mostly her… private items before she grabbed a clean pair of ripped jeans and an oversized sweatshirt before she went into the shower. It felt good to bathe, washing off all the crap and stress away. Once out, she resumed unpacking until Cillian rang the doorbell. She allowed him up and gasped when he came in with four bags. “I definitely did not write that much stuff down! Cillian!” She gave him a playful push once he set the bags down. “Well, I wanted to buy more than just lettuce and a pack of noodles.” He said. “Let me make lunch for you.” She snorted, “No. I refuse. Please.” She grabbed his hands, “Cillian, you really shouldn’t do this.” “Gabrijela.” He now held her hands between his, and his gaze was bright and caring. “I want to do this because I want to. Out of the goodness in my heart.” The look he had made her back down, he really wanted this. “Alright, Cillian. Make my lunch then.” She pulled back and helped him unpack the bags. She left him be as she finished up unpacking her stuff. She set up her laptop and portable music box before she sent out a facebook message to her mother to ease her worrisome mind. Cillian had even gotten her a sim card, and she was so paying him back for it. It wasn’t long when her father called up on Skype. She chatted with him in Croatian for a bit before she said her goodbye. “Your dad?” Cillian called from the kitchen, he was well into cooking, the air smelled a bit burnt. “Yeah, gotta check in with the family. They're the most worried, this is the first time I’ve ever gone overseas alone.” She replied, scrolling through Facebook. “Is this your first time overseas?” He asked. “Nah, the first two was with my parents and this one by myself.” She smiled, sitting back on the couch and watching him through the opening in the wall that looked into the kitchen. He was busy stirring something. “Where did you go in the first two?” He moved to grab what looked like salt. “Croatia visited family and the usual touristy stuff. Was an awesome experience.” She said. “Oh yeah? I’m guessing you’ve learned how to speak it since you spoke Croatian with your dad just then.” “Mhm. I took a course before I just practised at home with my parents, I’m able to hold a good conversation now.” She said with pride in her tone. “Incredible. I used to know French a while back, but I’ve forgotten it all.” He chuckled. “Oh yeah? How’d you get into that?” She got up and sat on one of the stools, watching him. “My mum is a French teacher, so as a boy I learned it through her. Once an adult, I kinda stopped as I really had no more use for it.” He explained. “Didn’t want to sing it either?” Gabrijela teased. He snorted, “Definitely not. You know about the band stuff?” He turned to her. “Kinda, a little. Did you enjoy it?” She asked. “Yeah, I did. Played the guitar, sang a little. It was a good time, but not something I wanted to pursue further.” He shrugged, “A good filler in my younger years.” “Awesome. You do seem like the band kinda guy.” She folded her arms on the table. “Yeah? My brother says that to me, asks me if I would ever pick it back up again.” He turned back to the pot boiling, stirring it. “I see, but I think acting suits you better.” She nodded. “Huh, thanks. I get that a lot.” Cillian mused as he stirred the pot before turning the electric stovetop off. She rolled her eyes, “So cocky.” She huffed. Cillian flashed her a grin before he set out two bowls and poured in the noodle soup. “Chicken soup with carrots chunks. Easy to make and really good in energising the body.” He said, pouring her a glass of strawberry cordial and one for himself. “You know, my mum makes the same thing. But more for if your sick, or whenever shes in the mood. Let's see how good Mr Murphy is.” She straightened her back, picking up the soup. “Oh, God.” He laughed nervously, “Be gentle on me.” She could see the playful glint in his eyes as she tasted the steaming soup. She took a couple of spoonfuls before she slowly set the spoon down, eyes narrowed and had a thoughtful look on her face. “Hm,” She hummed, rubbing her chin, “Salt… Good. Enough. Temperature… Just right… The taste…” She paused, eyes flicked up to his. He waited, head tilted to the side. His smile began to grow. “Delicious!” She cried happily, “It’s fantastic, Cillian. Almost like home, but very close.” “Oh!” He let out a sigh of relief, clearly playing along with her, “Good, good. I’m not really a fantastic cook, I’m most skilled in lasagna or some type of soup. Or a good ham and cheese toast.” Gab giggled, “Thanks, Cillian. It’s really good.” She said, continuing to eat the soup. “I made enough to last today and tomorrow. I’d like to take you out for dinner tomorrow night if you like.” He brought the spoon to his lips, taking a sip. “To dinner? Tomorrow?” She blinked, looking surprised. “I-I mean, only if you want, I don't want to--” He started. “No, I’d love to go to dinner with you. What time?” She asked. “Around seven? Will that be okay?” “Perfect. Gives me time to explore tomorrow, and maybe find an outfit.” She said, focusing on her soup. Her damn blush wouldn't go away. “Want me to tag along? I know good areas for shopping.” He offered, gazing at her once more. “I--” She shut her mouth, he was doing so much for her today. He picked her up, brought her here, bought food, cooked, and he was going to take her out tomorrow night… “Alright, but you are not allowed to pay for anything!” She said sternly, “Or I will make sure you rip your pants on set.” He held up his hands in a truce like fashion, “Fine, fine. I will agree to these terms.” “Good! But I may or may not wake up later, I’m running on zero hours of sleep.” She hissed, finishing her soup. “Oh yeah, gotta let you have your beauty sleep.” He said as he collected the empty bowls. She rolled her eyes, making a face, “Girls gotta sleep. It’s why we stay so pretty.” She flicked back her hair, letting out a huff. She got up and helped him dry up and clean up despite his demands to go rest. She didn’t like to sit around and let others do the work, she always wanted to help out no matter what. After that, Cillian wiped his hands and walked with her back to the small living space, “I should get going, but before I do…” He grabbed the notepad and scribbled something down, “My number and my address. I don’t live far from here, almost a twenty-minute walk. Just some information.” He gave her a cute smile. “Ah, thank you. I’ll make sure to save that. I’ll text you later so you have whatever new number I got.” Gabrijela said, taking the paper and tucking it into the front pocket of her hoodie she wore. “Also, thanks for getting the sim card. I’ll set it up in a moment.” “No worries. I’ll see you around midday, yeah?” He opened the door. “Yeah, see you then. Thank you for everything.” And she went towards him and hugged him. He let out a soft ‘Oh’ and his arms wrapped around her. “I love hugs,” His voice dropped to a soft murmur. “Same.” She said equally as quiet. They both chuckled and pulled away. “Rest well, Gabrijela.” He had this look in his eyes as if he didn’t want to go so soon. But he turned away, and she watched him walk down the stairs. She closed the door before she went to the balcony and peered over. Any moment, and he was out of the door. He paused and looked up, waving and giving her a wink before he got into his car. His head disappeared in the car and he drove off. Gabrijela let out a sigh, gripping the iron rails. She looked down the road, the forever trail of white apartments and the soft hum of traffic and the occasional cry of people calling to each other. Was this all real? She thought as she stared up at the grey sky. The air was cool, and it smelled like rain was going to fall soon. She loved the rain. She smiled to herself, a dream come true. She was here. Safe. Had a wonderful with a man she admired, and whom she will go shopping with. Her heart fluttered as she went back inside to lay down and set up her phone. But she didn't get a chance to text Cillian as sleep and exhaustion overtook her body and she was out like a light.

[sparklebitch]

Dan and Phil’s Impact

Okay this is going to be long and rambling because I’m trying to type it on my phone in the car and my thoughts are all over the freaking place and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read the whole thing I’ll put a tldr at the end lmao.

So first of all I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since like? 2014~ And for a while there wasn’t a minute that went by where I didn’t think about them. Their videos got me through so much shit in my life. Even dumb video game videos were like my reprieve from real life. And yeah a lot of stuff was super cringy and I was definitely borderline one of those creepy people that wanted to know everything about their lives (obvs not anymore lol) but that aside they were such good freaking influences on me? I looked up to them so much and, sure, I have a lot of role-model-worthy people in my life, but no one like them.

Everyone around me is so aggressively religious (although a lot of them are totally cool about it and not bad peoples !! But the rest of them are total dicks) and I felt like I couldn’t... question myself I guess? About literally anything. I felt like I couldn’t question religion, sexuality, the things I liked, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It was like everyone’s lives revolved around church stuff and people were basically born knowing what they were going to do? And there I was, an awkward, sexually confused, homeschooler who had 2 friends that she wasn’t even that close to. I felt like I was the only one in the world like this. Everyone seemed to have a place in the world, except me. I often thought that maybe it was a mistake that I was in this world, that there was some cosmic screw up and that I was never meant to be born. I felt incomplete and it was so confusing and horrible. I was sure that that feeling was never going to go away. I had no one to talk to, no one to explain to me that it was okay to screw up. It wasn’t the end of the world to question things or yourself, everything was going to be okay. All I wanted in my life was for someone to tell me that.

Then I found Dan and Phil. And yeah, they’re two British boys on the internet that will never know who I am. But that’s okay. They don’t need to know me to have an impact on my life. I mean, who’s ever been impacted by a song? A movie, a book, an actor, an artist? The human race is always searching for someone or something to look up to. Religion, famous people, a father figure, a friend. Someone. And that’s what they were to me.

People didn’t understand what it was that I liked about them. And, if I’m being 100% honest, I guess I didn’t really know either. Sure, they’re funny, and the chemistry between the two is very compelling but there was just something about them that spoke to me. I loved them. More than I had loved anything in my life. I looked up to them, and listened to the things they said, listened to the things they believed it. Through them I discovered so many of the things that I love in my life. I started writing and drawing because of them! It’s crazy to think that I am the person that I am today because of them. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t watched their videos.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now as I’m finishing up getting my General Associates and I’m in the process of starting a daycare with my older sister. It’s a lot for me to process because for the longest time all I wanted to do was get away from here. I wanted to go somewhere and be someone new. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized that’s not what I actually wanted. I love my family and my friends, I love living here (aside from the bigots but they’re everywhere so there’s no escaping them). What I really, truly wanted was to be myself. It wasn’t my family and this town that I wanted to get away from, it was the me that I was pretending to be. I just wanted to be myself, that was all. I didn’t care if it was in a big town with new people, i just wanted people to know me. I wish I knew this back then, then maybe I wouldn’t have gone into a tailspin when I was getting ready for college but hindsight I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I finished high school it was like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself or do anything on my own. All I knew was that I was not straight, seemingly surrounded by homophobes, and I was very very tired. So, toward the end of summer my mom pushed me enrolled me at a community college near home (which I am grateful for lol) and then I was going to transfer to a university after 2 years. Things started to feel better after that. Around that time I also started taking medication for depression and anxiety and it has only completely changed my life. No longer am I the super quiet painfully awkward person who’s so afraid to say something wrong that she instead stays silent, not telling anyone about my interests or passions in fear that I would be ridiculed, hiding core parts of me while the whole world passes by. I was talking and making jokes, I wasn’t constantly terrified to talk to people or to even simply leave my house to go places. Things were better. I was happier!

But as the time for me to transfer to a university drew near that paralyzing feeling crept back into my skin. I hated my classes. I hated college. I was suddenly plunged back into the world of endlessly scrolling through social media and watching the same shows on tv over and over, isolating myself from everyone and everything trying to ignore the world around me. I felt like everything was hopeless again. I was only occasionally watching dan and Phil videos at this time, having very reluctantly grown away from them (it was a sad day when I realized that I didn’t care if I skipped a video or two. I literally cried that day). But I was bored then, so I started watching their videos again. This was around the time that dan posted his video on depression (that’s a while other long ass post I could make but probably won’t because I’m already tired of typing) and i damn near called my mom (even though she was just downstairs) on the spot to tell her what I was feeling. Hearing that there was someone else out there that felt like I was was enough. But not only that, he explained that recovery is not a straight road. There are twists and turns, there are setbacks. It’s not like I was going to get better and everything was going to magically be awesome all the time. Some stuff was going to suck. I was going to go through shitty times and that was okay.

Because of him, I ended up going back to the doctor and explaining that my meds weren’t working anymore, and I got it taken care of. I feel so much fucking better now than I did before, and I know that it’s okay if I don’t always feel this way. I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to a university and they were okay with it, provided that I finished my 2 year degree at the community college. And while some things still suck, and I’m still worried about my future and whether or not I’m going to meet someone and fall in love, things are absolutely positively 1000% better than they have ever been. And a lot of it is thanks to them. Obviously it was me who actually took the steps I needed to to get here, but it was because of their being my role model that I had the courage to get where I am today.

Dan and Phil have such a unique platform and following. They could say jump and so many people would (metaphorically ofc) jump off the cliff, me included. But they don’t do that. They use their fame to positively impact people. They use their platform to encourage people and talk about important things in life. They share things about their lives in the hopes that it will help even 1 person out there... and I’m not the only one who they’ve positively impacted. The number of people that owe everything to them is crazy.

Okay so now I’m going to go a little bit into labels. (Not too much tho I’m seriously tired of typing lol). Dan talked about them a lot in his video. An entire freaking chapter of it was dedicated to labels. When I was younger I knew that I liked girls. I liked boys too though, so I just shrugged it off as Really wanting to be friends with girls. I didn’t know what the word gay meant until I was like 12 because I was a very sheltered child. My parents never talked about it and the only time I ever remember hearing the word before then was when one of my siblings called another sibling “gay” at the dinner table. The only thing I knew about the word was that my parents Did Not Like it. While I eventually stumbled onto the internet and learned a Lot of things, and a lot about labels, I became overwhelmed. There were so many words with so many meanings, and lot of times people didn’t agree on what the literal definition was. (Like bisexual meaning Only men+women vs. just like.. more than just 2+ genders) So for a long time I identified as pansexual because.. I didn’t know what to do. And based on my experiences on the internet, being bi was basically saying that you were excluding people. Idk it was fucked. The label ‘pan’ didn’t really feel like it fit me either, but it worked for the time being.

Dan’s comments on labels really got me thinking. I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but I don’t really know about bisexual either. When he said that he loved to use the word queer it just.. fucking hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks. I literally couldn’t breath. And it’s not like I’ve never heard people use the word queer. Tons of people identify as queer. But it was just something about the way he explained it? And maybe it was just the fact that it was him explaining it because, as I said before, I look up to him. He has a huge impact on my life. Saying queer gives me comfort. It feels less... restrictive I guess, for a lack of better words. I don’t know if this will be /the/ label for me, but that’s not the point. There doesn’t have to be a label for me. I, no one, should have to be pressured into finding a label so that other people have something to call you?? Fuck labels. Fuck people who pressure you into picking one. You be you.

So, in conclusion (honestly I feel like this has all been so incoherent I apologize) I don’t want to hide forever. I don’t. I hope that some day I can have even a fraction of the courage that Dan has to tell the people that I care about who I truly am. And the first step is telling someone.

So, to everyone who sees it here, most of which probably know or don’t care,

I’m bisexual, bitch. And I use the word queer.

It took so much fucking courage for dan to post that video and I have crazy amounts of respect for that man. I’ve said it a thousand times already, but I’m going to say it again. I’m so. Fucking. Proud of him. And I know he’s probably going to get thousands of stories like this one (if he hasn’t gotten that many already) but I’m going to tag him anyway. @danielhowell , you’ve changed my life. You’ve changed millions of people’s of lives for the better. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.

Tldr; dnp mean everything to me, even though I’ve grown away from them, they have been and always be a big part of who I am and i am so fucking proud of Dan.

[hadnothing]

OKAY, SO — QUICK TALKS ABOUT THE SHANG-CHI MOVIE AND IMPLICATIONS OF IT.

as a reasonably vocal asian american i’ve been having this conversation with friends and family a few times since the movie was announced. people have a lot of different thoughts about a lot of different things and so i’m gonna break down mine here so that i can point to this post instead of rehashing it all for the umpteenth time ‘cause i’m a lazy bastard.

i absolutely think that marvel is continuing a trend of picking somewhat well-known but not too beloved characters to bring to the big screen, yeah. it allows them to rework a lot of the material and not have too many comic buffs pissed when they inevitably change too much or ‘get something wrong.’ shang-chi is a pretty good choice for that imo; he’s been around a long time and he’s been reworked in comics as well because of the whole fu manchu debacle and it’s a chance to consolidate a nicer background for him yet again. it’s also about time for the representation, and yes, i do think this is an extremely marketable move for them as far as an asian american audience goes and most of their american fanbase in general.

i do not think it is a marketable move for them with asian audiences in asia, but absolutely it is for asian audiences in the west. you have to understand that representation is only a big deal for people like me, who are used to not seeing people like myself on screen in major roles. in a similar way to the way that crazy rich asians was seen as a step back and totally flunked in china, etc., i would predict that shang-chi won’t meet a ton of success outside of the north american fanbase because guess what? representation isn’t an issue in that market, and to be bringing a character with this kind of really questionable background up is definitely a more lousy move and comes across as kind of an insult tbh. it comes across as a sellout move, because in a way it is even though it’s probably meant somewhat genuinely as representation is overdue, and i get that. but also, it’s representation that comes at a time when suddenly it’s going to make them a lot of money to put it out there. it’s not like there weren’t resources before. it’s because people yell about wanting this more now. and that goes for a lot of things now, but it doesn’t make that faint sour taste go away, y’know? i think that because i’ve been able to live back and forth with my family in taiwan and america, it gives me a lot of perspective i wouldn’t have otherwise, and like, dude. seriously, it’s a step back for sure for me. i think they would’ve done a lot better to work with an asian american character, because that’s a way more accessible and understandable experience for the western audience and would mean even more to see, and it’s additionally something that the eastern audience wouldn’t begrudge nearly as much and would be more likely to celebrate. i’d be personally mortified to try and see that movie with my fave cousin or something, he’s like, what is this? this is some crazy silly caricature! this so old, wow, i don’t get it! i would rather see something about somebody like you! and i kind of have to agree. whether or not i actually go to see the movie at all on my own, i’m undecided about as well, just because it’s an emotional mix-up for me personally. it’s also worth noting that while liu is chinese, he’s a canadian citizen, and it would have been entirely possible to cast a chinese citizen. and yes, leung is chinese, and guess what? my cousin told me there’s calls to boycott him for signing into this. so that says something.

i would have preferred to see a different asian hero (even though i have a lot of nostalgia for mokf) - however, you also have to take into account that good representation in comics is a much newer thing, and marvel does like to pull more established characters for films. shang-chi has been around a hell of a lot longer than, like, amadeus cho or kamala khan, or any of the newer generation folks (which, we also don’t know if or how they’re going to be worked into the current mcu). why this is, idk, i don’t think it’s a source material thing given how much they like to change things, i think it may fr be solely a whole ass thing about getting the chance to improve on what they’ve made mistakes with and revive their marketability. they’ve been working shang-chi into a lot of stuff lately like domino’s solo series and appealing to asian americans in general with amadeus, and new agents of atlas, and things like this.

i do have a lotta concerns with possible fetishization. i think everyone can acknowledge that marvel sells you heroes on a lot of sex appeal, and simu liu’s hot. fair enough! but like, consider the kind of sometimes rabid adoration people have over rdj, and hiddleston, in their mcu roles. blind stanning and drooling. now consider that with an asian man, from a whole bunch of white people who aren’t really aware of a lot of chinese culture except for this COMIC BASED movie that they watched, or maybe the k- and c-pop idols they already uwu over to a terrifying and often-ignorant degree, and wince with me. and dude, yes, i know not everyone is like that. i have tons of wonderful friends who make efforts to connect with me and like, surprise me with culturally appropriate gifts on holidays i celebrate, and cool things like that. but i’ve personally been fetishized by people i was dating, or people that were into me, and been subjected to so many stupid-ass questions more than i can count, and i’m only half taiwanese and white-passing a fair enough percentage of the time. this is going to open up some floodgates for dumb movie-linked jokes and assumptions. there’s always people that just don’t make an effort and don’t think that they’re ignorant and say what they want. and there’s enough asian fetishization in the world. i mean, fuck, lmao, just think of bts fangirls or whatever, right? it’s that line between enjoyment and total manic adulation that’s so dangerous.

i do not approve of shang-chi’s comic origins. if anyone has read the original master of kung-fu series, you are probably super aware that a - there’s a lot of white savior connotations, b - fu manchu is the most hideous, stereotypical, racially villainizing bullcrap, and c - it just wasn’t that good, period. there were a lot of issues with the series and if it weren’t for the fact that i read it as a kid and was excited over seeing media in comics about people like me, i would absolutely fucking hate it as a new reader today. but i can acknowledge that marvel did try to give him a new background later, even if it still wasn’t exactly stellar imo, and appreciate it for what it meant to me when i was too young to understand the problems in the writing, and that’s ok too. there’s definitely reasons i have a heavy preference for one of the lesser-seen villains over the titular character and have a whole ass blog for him where i’ve canon diverged heavily. 

all that said, i do think that reworking shang-chi is a pretty decent idea. if it wasn’t, i wouldn’t have him here. there’s a lot that can be done with what is, more or less, a really cool idea that can be done better and i can at least hope that the movie is just that. a good movie that hopefully nods to old kung-fu tradition. idk if i’ll care for it. for now i’m going to do my thing with writing him how i wish he was, that’s it, and keep my eye on things as they go. 

[kazmorosov]

|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

[thekirstenkhaye]

infinities x wormholes (SETBACKS)

I honestly have no idea how to start this. So I guess if this intro sucks, you know now why. LOL.

I’m still not sure how to begin this to be frank but yes, of course, I know I need to start somewhere anytime soon and stop beating around the bush.

Setbacks.

Let’s start with this word because if you’ve got to read the very first blog I posted this year, you will already have an idea of why this word made it to the title of this blog post. And if you haven’t read that yet, well, go to that post first and read it. I linked it on the word ‘Setbacks’ above. This post will make more sense if you do that first. I swear. Although, of course, if you don’t want to be bothered, just continue reading, and PLEASE HAVE AN OPEN MIND while reading this entire entry. Okay? Thank you. Because we need to be mature here if we are going to do this together ^.^

Now let’s get this straight on. I’ve been engaged since late 2016, I just said on my previous blog post that it’s late 2017 because we only started making serious wedding and finally settling down together kind of plans half way through 2017. Yes, I know, it may sound like we’re not taking it that seriously to just plan and make everything work on a short amount of time. And I won’t lie, so yes, that is probably one of the few reasons why the wedding didn’t push through this year. It’s simple, we’re obviously not ready for it. You know, emotionally, YES OF COURSE WE ARE DEFINITELY INTO IT. There’s no argument there, and whoever you ask from the both of us about it, we won’t think twice for the answer. However, ladies and gentlemen, we are living in the real world here and not in some chick flick movie hence there are some adult stuff and real shits that we have to handle that you know, we didn’t expect that will hit our unpreparedness real hard.

So now, you might wonder how I felt after everything. Well, I guess I’ll have to say first how we came up with the decision of postponing it and all the jazz of handling the aftermath of the postponed wedding.

Well, okay, you see, this blog post was a bit hard for me to write and you know, put more of my feelings out there when I wasn’t even sure of what I was feeling. It’s been almost 2 months already since I started constructing this, but now that it’s officially one week before our 3rd year anniversary, I know exactly what to put on here.

I realized, for over a month of trying to finish this entry, this is just how far I’ve come to. Not even ¼ through with what I want to share. Actually “would’ve” now since part of my realization before finishing and posting this on here, is that, you know, I don’t really like the idea anymore of putting my life out here. Especially my lovelife. First of all, because it slid my mind that Gravity is a very private person and to be honest, so far, I’ve loved how the privacy of our relationship feels like. It feels more secure. If that makes any sense.

NO FRET, though. This post will still have something in it. I’ll still share my thoughts about our relationship. It may not be that detailed but I promise I’ll be sharing an honest to God feelings and thoughts of mine.

Let me just answer the question of how we’ve got to agree to postpone the wedding I think. That’s much better to start with, yeah?

So this is how it went. Gravity and I have known each other for almost 4 years now which technically to be honest makes us to have been dating for over 3 years already. But then again, we just knew for ourselves I guess that we would need to make a sturdy foundation first if we both want a serious and committed romantic relationship with each other. And yeah, in 6 months from when we first met online, I think we did just that in the best way we can. Unintentionally, but obviously it worked for us after all. Hence when he’s frustrated, or you know, agitated about something, I can almost instantly sense it. And yes, even despite the distance, I just can, okay? That’s why when he was acting like that one week (or maybe over a week) before his arrival here back in May, I just knew that we’ll be talking about some serious shit. As expected by yours truly, one day, it happened. He was the one who brought it up first. Yow girl though, being the cancer (like the zodiac sign, okay?) that I am, of course got upset and said some stuff that well, I guess pretty unnecessary but still never regretted anything I said that time though cause a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, you know. I needed that sudden outburst for me to get myself together and you know, collect myself after a bit of lashing out. In my defense, it’s not that I was so mean to him but I did act like a bitch. LOL. I asked him nicely though to give me some space and all that jazz for me to think about it.    

After a few hours (or was it just even less than an hour? LOL not sure anymore), I got myself collected, and told him…yes, I’ll be quoting myself cause it’s cringey as f*ck, so here you go. LOL. I said, and I quote, “You know what’s worse? You gave me a date, you gave me hope, and you gave me something to look forward to.” And so on and so forth. Just know that I did lash out before that part. Like it’s a 10 chat bubbles comprised at least 100-200 words each. There’s even this CRINGY ASS BUBBLE WITH WORDS IN CAPSLOCK. Like everything in it and I quote again, “I HAD MY FUTURE SO CLEAR TO ME ALREADY *HIS NAME*. WITH YOU, TOGETHER WHERE WE GET TO HAVE A HOME, WHERE I CAN FINISH A DEGREE WHILE YOU GET TO YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL IN YOUR CAREER, AND WHERE I CAN TRULY BE HAPPY ONCE AND FOR ALL.” Yes, I know, cringey and cringy all at the same time. Now y’all know now, don’t let your happiness be a person nor like just a mere plan. Just BE happy. No hows, whens nor whys. Even buts actually, don’t ever do that. Or you’ll end up just like me. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t know all of that before we had the plan of getting married or whatnot. It’s just that, you know, even if you know for yourself what is right for you, in times like what happened to me and if you’re as weak as me, it will surely slip your mind and you’ll just be that one petty person who’ll just be living in his/her own fairytale.

But I did end my verses with a very light note though, and I quote once again, “I know our lives are stressing us out right now. Yes, it’s overwhelming to the point that we’ll really get to question if we’re doing this the right way. But please, think of how long we’ve waited for this time to come. Our individual agony because distance is keeping us apart and we can’t be there for each other when we both really need at least just a hug for comfort. But again, as I said up there, I’m not going to force you to continue the wedding if you’re really not ready yet though. Just tell me ASAP lolz so I can go back to work than doing nothing.” And sent that with a laughing emoji. That easy. Although I must say that I did really feel so heavy that time. Which is reasonable too, I guess during those moments. HAHA.

Now though, that I’ve already seen the silver lining of the wedding getting postponed (?), I do really think that I was being such an irrational girl. Like I was seriously just being a girl who’s complaining of how her happily ever after is not happening anymore. I am facepalming myself so hard everytime I think of those days. Because honestly, though, I didn’t even have a visa yet when he’s about to arrive already so what was I really expecting? LMAO. Besides, to be completely honest, it was part of my lashing out that I get to tell him how terrified I was of the plan but I still pushed it through just because I was convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. So when I’ve re-read everything, I’m just relieved in a whole different level.

I won’t just share anymore about Gravity’s one month vacation here because it wasn’t really that eventful. One thing’s sure though. That long time together didn’t let us see or you know, make us realize that it’s the right thing that we didn’t push through the wedding because we couldn’t stand each other after all. On the contrary, it made us realize how much of a right thing that decision was because his stay here proved to us that we do really want to be together and it’s really way different than being apart. Hence, planning out everything, even not the wedding first, is very important. Just so we can be sure that we really will be together soon. We just need to be patient and work on it more seriously now. Because it’s not a thing for kids, really. It requires two adult that understand and know each other well enough to make a long term decision together.

So, I think I’ll just wrap this up now with this.

We’ve been together way longer than how most people get to be in a relationship now. And you know, despite that, I am convinced still that no matter how much that we do feel like we’ve known each other so well already, that’s not really the defining thing that would let us be really together just like how we very much wanted it to be. It’s not that easy, because every single day is every single opportunity also for us to grow into something that would let us be who we want to be as an individual. Our love for each other, it’s not just that that would keep us together. We’re best friends and not just lovers, y’all should know that. And no matter what, we would still care for one another. Hence, y’all should know also that in whatever circumstances, we would always choose the option of making each other the best of who we can be as a two different person. 

We do have plans now. Again, for us, together, for the near future. And yes, I can picture it happening. You know, somehow. But for now, I’m happy that we’re happy just how it is going. We’re not rushing things to get into their places, and I’m glad that we’re letting it be that way. Most importantly, you know what I’m most grateful for? It’s that I have someone who won’t ever fake a dream and give it to me just to make me happy and satisfied. I’m thankful that no matter how hard it is, I have a person, a best friend that would always live in reality with me, supporting me to be the better person that I want to be, and to have everything that I deserve in life. And you what? I wouldn’t want it in any other way.

Always keep in mind, Happiness is not finding the right person, but happiness is being the right person. OKAY?

[urushibararuka]

Alright so! under the cut: why I kinda stopped posting updates about my life on here & regarding my education:

To be frank I’ve mostly just been shitposting about my lie on twitter and I’ve been doing it in such a way that a lot of people would likely find it a bit difficult to understand if I’m being serious or not. Otherwise, I’ve been yelling about my life on the Supergiant Games unofficial discord, and I’ve felt that that’s been satisfactory in regards to me discussing life stuff with people. That community is absolutely wonderful and has restored my faith in fandom (alongside the TWRP fandom, of all fandoms)

So if u do wanna keep in touch with me I strongly suggest adding me on LINE because I miss using it and/or on discord because I use it a lot as a means of communication these days

Additionally, I haven’t been able to sit at my laptop for extended periods of times due to the shoulder and neck pain I’ve been dealing with for the past few years. It’s built up to a degree where the pain is now persistent through my day to day life, and it’s annoying, distracting, and, well, painful. I plan on getting this dealt with back at uni once again; I often fall asleep early these days so I forget to do the corrective exercises prescribed to me by my physio and that isn’t helping the issue either.

When it came to me signing up for my classes at the end of the summer of this year, I dreaded it. Dreaded it. I had walked out of the previous semester unbelievably depressed (have been diagnosed with severe depression since) right to the point where I was sitting in exams, staring at the paper in front of me, and not having the adrenaline, fear, excitement etc I usually need to write out what I needed to

And I was distracted the whole time

and so I barely wrote anything on these papers and spent most of the exam time idling.

That. Sucks. Big time. And the reason why I was depressed? A combination of me not having found part time work for a year (now going on a year and a half) and not being even remotely interested in what I was studying.

That also sucked because I thought I would at least find what I was studying interesting, not exciting per se, but interesting, and it really, really wasn’t.

And I chalk it down to me being too much of an airhead that is decent at writing but genuinely doesn’t care about most aspects of the business world save for the HR aspect. The first part is great if you wanna pursue work within the business world! But the second part... eh.

And, whilst their program for tourism looks fascinating, I would’ve had to sit through classes I was no good at, so that option was also out of the window.

Ultimately, I decided that a) I needed to stop doing a dual degree when I did not have the energy to, and b) I needed to do an arts/humanities degree.

So I had a few choices.

The arts (which has little to do with Actual Art itself and more so deals with stuff like,,,, philosophy,,,, and sociology and other still interesting topics)

Communications

Journalism.

Unfortunately my university sacrifices good arts programs in favour of cheaper fees and offering part-time study (which I kinda need) so. Yeah lmao

Whilst I was seriously considering doing an arts degree because then u can basically f*ck off and do Whatever The Hell You Want, I felt like a communications degree would’ve been better for me as it mayyy have offered more opportunities for me to enter the film and tv world, which I’ve been somewhat interested in as of late 

But then I looked at the journalism program and. Well. I could do a minor in film and tv in there. And it’s probably the best degree of the three as it offers study overseas for a brief period of time, offers for internship as part of study, and the possibility of doing your own individualised project- so as long as u have a good enough GPA (which I certainly do not have at the moment, but hey. I could improve.)

So I decided to go with journalism for now. In the end, if I do end up disliking the degree, I could try out either communications or the arts! I just don’t like the idea of me totally giving up on tertiary education because I am somewhat academically minded, just easily distracted and very depressed, and I feel like I should use that to the best of my ability and use it as an opportunity to learn about the world around me.

Also I’m a lil apprehensive about what job opportunities could be available to me if I do finish my journalism degree because uh. My asshole distant cousin Rupert M*rdock runs his media outlets in a way I strongly disagree with but... that’s for the future lmfao

To end this long ass rant: I am going to go obtain a certificate in the responsible service of alcohol tomorrow night, at this time, and if it goes well I might go for my RS of gambling too! So yes hopefully that’ll all work out and aid me in getting a job

[yakumtsaki]

Take your hands off me, I don't belong to you, you see, and take a look at my face for the last time, I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello.. ♪

WAVE GOODBYE. 

WHADDUP PPL. Much like Ronroneo, we’re back from the dead and ready for a whole new generation of Union fuckery. We’re also officially.. drumroll.. MIDDLE CLASS. Our shiny new house is based on this one by frottana-sims​, which I downloaded but dumbassly forgot to install, and since loading the game takes a hot half-hour I opted for this poor recreation instead. We start the extreme home makeover with an incredible budget of..

...Yea, I see the value of getting 6 pets to the top of their careers now. Included in this insane sum is the 20k+ that Wyatt and Jojo brought with them moving in, and at first I’m worried that we’re way too rich for only generation 2. Well, careful what you wish for, cause here’s our post-remodeling budget:

LMAO. It’s as if not a day has passed since Vic started this legacy with a dream in her heart and crap to her name. Let’s check out the new digs!

Everything was purple.. his pills.. his hands.. his foyer. 

As eagle-eyed readers may observe, both the hall and the living room were designed with nothing else in mind but whether they matched our cat paintings. Per legacy rules I use as little cc as possible, which isn’t that hard since I feel this bizarre, angular and hugely impractical couch really encapsulates Jojo’s essence. Like if he was a servant in Beauty and the Beast this would be his furniture form.

Apparently the only things I deemed important enough to capture were the cat portraits, so it looks like my Komeization is finally complete! Here’s some floorplan shots tho so you don’t get disoriented in our labyrinth-like mansion. Please note our amazing pink-blue-purple kitchen! Barbie’s Dreamhouse who??

And here’s the second floor, which also illustrates the exact point I ran out of money. Honestly looking back I don’t understand how the fuck this place cost 70k?? Like nothing is particularly expensive except the amazing vintage batmobile which was around 30-40k and some of the paintings? But I guess all the small things add up in the end + I’m super bad with money..

..and I’m not the only one. Jojo GET A FUCKING GRIP and A JOB. Literally no comment @ your cat wants, you inherited the jaw, wasn’t that enough??? ANYWAY. I know the question on everyone’s mind is how is Wyatt going to fit in with the Unions.. and all I have to say about that..

..is LOL. Truly the perfect career for when your mother-in-law is a criminal mastermind and your husband is a serial killer! I mean the jokes practically write themselves. At least he doesn’t want 10 kids or any shit like that, cause I’ve seen hell and it was the result of mixing Jojo/Wyatt genes in cas.

On top of gifting us with his future-probably-fug children, Wyatt also gives us the gift of our first ever kitchen fire when he decides to make dinner with 1 cooking point. His generosity really knows no bounds.

It’s all fun and games now but Wyatt deadass almost died in the inferno and was about to take poor, stupid Komei with him, who of course ran to the fire even though he was in the yard. Meanwhile Victoria was safely watching tv and didn’t move while Jojo..

..was doing this in the next room. Two types of sims I guess!

-So Wyatt, you’ve been here for almost an hour now, burned down our kitchen and I still don’t see any grandchildren. I thought you were a family sim!

-Haha oh mom, you’re hilarious! Ignore her, Wyatt, let’s enjoy your delicious pasta.. It was definitely worth almost dying for.

-Your mama is right, mon cheri, not only do you have an obligatión to your famille but I rolled the want to have a bébé the second we graduated!

-Well it’s still gonna be there when we aren’t broke, Wyatt, god!

-But.. bébés, mon cheri! Tons of bébés I can have but never interact with, in typical famille sim fashión!

-UGH thanks a lot for opening this gate, mom. If only you had found your love of children when I was living on cat food.

-Well it’s different when they are your children, everyone knows that.

-THAT’S NOT WHY PEOPLE SAY THAT MOM

-Honestly, Jojό, I’m prouder of taking down your répugnant suitόrs than I am of graduating with honors!

-Aww Wyatt <3

-And if I have to souffrir through a childless existence to be with mon amour, so be it (:

-Aw- wait what?!

-Really, c’est bien, Jojό, marriage is all about compromise, nό? I mean, not that I would know since we’re not even married yet!

-Wyatt we’ve been here for 3 hours.

-My point précisément.. C’est bien though!

-Can’t believe I’m saying this but I really regret murdering Ti-Ning. 

That makes two of us, Jo. Honestly even Francis would be better than this. Family sim spouse??? Tf was I thinking. 

Ah, some things never change <3 It’s a new day and someone very special passes by our lot..

UGH NO not you asshole, once again delivering bills at the worst possible time.

-Miss me bitch?? Lolol

ONE OF THESE DAYS DAGMAR. ONE OF THESE DAYS ISTG

No, it’s mismatched beard townie, whose regular outfit is simply iconic, and he’s waving at me! What a sweetheart! TAKE SOME NOTES DAGMAR YOU FROZEN-FACED FREAK

-Umm he’s actually waving at me, moron.

-WRONG, he’s waving at me!

Ok it literally doesn’t matter who he’s waving at. 

-Well c’est moi. 

OK WHATEVER WYATT GOD. Just go off to work in a position you’re criminally unqualified for and try not to die ok??

-Why would I mourir?

Hm let’s see, maybe because you’re a ‘SWAT Team Leader’ straight out of college with a shocking lack of skill points?? Jfc college degrees in this game are so fucking op it’s legit making me resentful of my sims.

In other news, major dicks Sophie and Victor have started constantly beating each other up and the only thing surprising about this development is that it took this long. Honestly these fights are peak #TeamNoOne. Please note Alegra who continues to give 0 fucks @ the bloodshed. What a gal <3

Burning with religious fervor, fundamentalist nutjob Sophie emerges victorious!

-I WALK WITH GOD BITCH

Tears. Literal tears. Victor is the most unbelievable creature I have ever played.

-The rampant violence in this house is a violation of human rights! I AM OUTTA HERE

Literally still cannot believe this happened, like the sheer NERVE is killing me. Victor has started every fight he’s ever been in for an astounding total of 40-50 fights, and as you all know he almost always wins. Like this one was what? The fourth one he lost?? AND YET HE RUNS AWAY LIKE HE’S THE VICTIM I HATE/LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Meanwhile this happens which, of course. Leave it to me to finally get a chance card right for the only sim who doesn’t even deserve the job he currently has.

..Police Chief Wyatt reporting for duty! And crime increased 80% overnight. 

In actual good and not lawsuit-waiting-to happen news, Wyatt brought Amanda, Vic’s only friend/lesbian crush with him! Amanda has the distinct honor of being literally the only non-Union non-Jojo person Vic has ever genuinely liked and hasn’t had an affair with. YET THAT IS.

Man, these are some fat fucking flies. I’m talking 10 plagues of Egypt teas. 

-I KNOW, where the fuck is Komei, what are we paying him for?

-I’m over here honey, talking to my least favorite son for the second time in my life, since apparently he’s sticking around.

-Yes, thanks for requesting a recount of the heir vote, dad. I will remember it when I decide where to scatter your ashes. 

-I TOLD YOU I WANT THEM MIXED WITH THE CAT LITTER 

Ugh Komei, please stop trying to bond with your son and do something productive instead-

-like finally convincing Neo to bang Sophie. She has refused 3 TIMES because there’s a rule I have to earn kittens by suffering. I mean Alegra refusing to procreate with Victor made sense, it was Victor, wtf is Sophie’s excuse? Waiting for marriage?

ABOUT TIME

YAS. CAT GEN 3 ON THE WAY. Human gen 3 will have to wait till I’m in the mood to deal with screaming infants aka it might take a while.

The science career FINALLY SHOWS UP after 5 fucking days, jfc. Love how Wyatt’s dumb ass started as a swat team LEADER but Jojo who has half the skills maxed starts as a science teacher. Also love the idea of Jojo as a teacher in general, I mean just imagine having him teach you science in high school. I would literally drop out.

Jojo returns from work, brings this rando with him and doesn’t get promoted. We can’t all be Wyatt I guess! We’re not completely broke anymore tho so..

It is time.

Gunther, Melody and Max Flexor on one side..

Craig, Brit Brit, Ti-Ning and Daniel on the other. What a bunch of assholes, Craig obviously excluded. Remember him? I invited him because he and Jojo are still semi-friends thinking he wouldn’t show up and yet here he is! What a good guy. 

-It’s at moments like this, watching your high school boyfriend get married.. that you really get to thinking..

Awww.

-..there but for the grace of god go I.

Less awww. You’re not wrong tho, definitely dodged a sociopathic bullet..

..not everyone is that lucky. WE GET IT WYATT YOU’RE CRAZY AND IN LOVE

-Mon bien adoré, I vow to aimer and honόr you and not cheat on you again or at least be more discrete about it <3

-And I vow not to kill you and feed you to the cats for as long as we both shall live <3 

Ah, true love, you guys. 

Too bad half our guests are inside dancing-

-OR HAVING COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AND UNTIMELY THOUGHTS. TI-NING SERIOUSLY GO TO HELL. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU

Well at least Vic is excited which is more than I can say for Gunther who is literally LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. 

Time to cut the cake with the sky as our only witness, since everyone has taken a plate from the buffet and fucked off inside. Seriously WORST GUESTS EVER 

Not one to be outdone by his guests’ questionable behavior, Wyatt takes the time to remind us who he really is. 

-And n'est-ce pas forget it!

Despite all the obvious problems, like one of the grooms literally going to sleep, our party score is ‘good time’ which is a truly rare and exciting occurrence. With less than a minute left I’m feeling pretty confident that nothing can ruin this wedding!

Weirdly no one has touched the champagne even though sims in general are obsessed with it?? My best guess is everyone is at a loss for words at having to toast this union and who can blame them tbh. Thankfully Daniel steps up and I find it super sweet because I’ve forgotten that he and Wyatt are mortal enemies and it’s only by chance they haven’t beaten each other up on this instance like they have countless times before.

-Let’s all raise a glass to my beloved brother, Jojo, who generously woke up to attend his own wedding reception! Just one of many examples of his fine, giving character. Too bad he’s committing his life to a complete waste of space adulterous loser like Wyatt, who I’m not even convinced is really french, since his ability to speak and understand english fluctuates according to convenience. Man, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but this choice in spouse is just too tragic. Oh well! To Jojo!

NOICE, still a good time. SO CLOSE

AND YET SO FAR. Goddammit do you two mind killing each other on your own time and not literally 10 seconds before our wedding ends??

-DIE WHORE, THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO STEAL MY MAN

-THAT’S MY LINE SLUTBAG

-HA! ZUMBA, BITCH

-Wow, so glad I woke up for this, really got my bloodlust going! 

Indeed a roaring success if there ever was one. I mean how can this night possibly get any better?

.............of course.

Oh nice, I remembered to install an alarm for once! I’m also desperately trying to wake up Wyatt thinking that he’s fucking CHIEF OF POLICE so he might prove useful in this situation..

..especially since we get this cop of a completely untrustworthy Bieber hairstyle. Talk about striking fear in the heart.

Sadly it turns out that Wyatt could not give less of a shit that we’re getting robbed and picks this moment to head for wedding buffet leftovers-

-while Bieber cop prevails! This robber is awesomely named Russ Bear btw and I wish that was my name, sounds like a slavic medieval folkore hero. But I digress. Please prepare yourselves because our first robbery is about to take a dark turn.

-Ehh, you get at a certain level on la force, you just become desensitized to la criminalité..

-Oh don’t worry Wyatt, I totally understand.. I mean I’ve robbed so many houses in my time, I hardly blink anymore..

-So it looks like you and I are not so different after all.. ;)

.............

.....................

............................why. why has the universe chosen me for the greatest suffering the world has ever known. i try and i try but incestuous relationships just keep sprawling like mythical strangler vines. i bet this wouldn’t happen to someone named Russ Bear. fml

[meggannn]

more for lydia (of course): 21, 24, 45, 49

i am the worst person for taking like a day to respond to this omg

21)   Best Friend(s)?

it’s hard to categorize her best “friends” because for a while she doesn’t really consider them friends, she considers them “acquaintances she has varying degrees of closeness and unique relationships with” while not realizing that like… that is the definition of a friend? lmao (like for example, she only really let herself think of garrus and tali as ‘friends’ instead of ‘crewmembers i’m fond and protective of’ until the shore leave after the battle of the citadel. though while she was close with her me1 crew, i do think me2 is the first time she realizes she’s allowed to think of her team as friends too.

me1: kaidan and ashley at least in the beginning. by the end of the game i think she’s closer to tali as well

me2: at first, garrus and kasumi, and later when they join, tali and samara. i say this with like, knowing she has fondness for all of her crew

me3: garrus and, after renewing their relationship, ashley

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them?

not with any of those mentioned above, though i think her relationships with miranda and jack in 2 are a little… not adversarial, but shepard is wary of them as much as she likes them. miranda for obvious reasons, and jack because she genuinely likes her after a while but being around her for so long is a bit of a drain on her energy, since she kind of reminds her of the kids from her old gangs. zaeed she definitely has a love/hate relationship with in 2, in that she appreciates his talks and advice but doesn’t appreciate his attitude and volatile unpredictability.

45)   Do they use social media?

lmfao I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT SHEPARD ON SOCIAL MEDIA OKAY YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED ME THIS, it’s not that she’s very tech savvy (though there’s some proficiency with hacking) just growing up as a teenager on earth who stole/resold a lot of omnitools and translators and laptops, she had very few other pasttimes when cash wasn’t coming in. i think she was really into social media during ict training with other candidates, as a way of bonding and non-physical de-stressing. and she obviously knows a lot of online slang and shitty corners of the internet from her teenage days. in the alliance she goes through periods of activity followed by periods of forgetting about the internet at all, like when she’s on missions.

by me1, she’s established enough that i think she’s convinced herself a commander shouldn’t post on social media, that’s not appropriate, blah blah. so for a while she’s mostly quiet with only occasional funny but nonoffensive comments on things like pop culture or whatever. then after the battle of the citadel she gets a huuuuge influx of followers, and she’s like ??? cause she doesn’t use her space twitter much, so she kinda posts once like "hey thanks for the support, look out for my album coming out next spring” and everybody loves it, until she starts talking about the reapers publicly and preparing for war, then everybody’s like “god shut up i thought you were cool” so she gets angry when it becomes apparent that most people just want a figurehead, not her to actually say anything, but she can’t go back to making jokes and pretending things are normal, so she stops posting altogether. maybe like, once or twice more about something irrelevant, and then three weeks later she’s dead. (and then her crew like garrus and tali in particular waste so much time on the internet looking at her online profiles, rereading her last posts, hunting through years worth of her feed far back enough to see she was a different person once, both of them in mourning but garrus denying it)

and then me2 happens, and she’s obviously not thinking about social media for a while. when she does, it’s like maybe midway through the game, like maybe on illium kasumi drags her out to dinner cause she found authentic thai in the markets, and shepard’s just content enough to think “this is the kind of meal you post a picture about and share on social media” and she considers it before remembering oh yeah i was dead……. is my account even still there? how weird would it be to suddenly post out of nowhere again? i know the rumor is i was just under cover, but would it help or hurt the war to treat this like normal? and she basically overanalyzes and decides not to say anything at all. (in reality i think after she died her account was given the space equivalent of a twitter verification, like Yes This Was The Real Shepard’s Account, Tweets Might Be Recorded, which she only discovers after she logs in on a whim back on the ship). i don’t think she breaks this social media fast until she either uses it one day because she 1) completely forgets she was avoiding it, like she just wakes up randomly and types “i had the weirdest fuckin dream let me tell yall about it” because she’s still half asleep and convinces herself it’s a good idea, then goes back to sleep and wakes up to a million notifications like “i KNEW YOU WERE BACK!!” and “SOMEONE HACKED SHEPARD’S ACCOUNT THAT’S DISGRACEFUL” and she’s like oh boy. OR 2) she gets so heated over something stupid (that is definitely about human pop culture) that she completely forgets/doesnt give a rat’s ass anymore about maintaining silence online. like “I JUST HEARD SPACE BEYONCE WASN’T NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY LAST YEAR. WHAT THE FUCK?” after the collector base, she feels a little more freedom to be funny and has the time to engage and post about pop culture again, so she gains some attention back for that

by me3, coming out of alliance-imposed isolation, i think she takes back to the internet whenever she can, for better or worse, but because most of the news she swallows is so awful, she tries to be positive and reach out to people who @ her, like she doesn’t want to lie to them, but she tries to signal boost official evacuation and relocation efforts and stuff. when the alliance starts gaining allies, there’s a little bit of expectation for her to use her accounts as a political “so honored the turian hierarchy is joining us” blah blah kind of tweet, so she’s kind of like…. well people deserve to know we’ve made an accord, but i’m gonna do it my way, and she essentially starts sharing all the stuff that’s happening on the citadel that might get easily lost in translation, like

“i can confirm councilor udina was just killed by spectre williams after a standoff on the presidum, after he threatened the life of another councilor. we have confirmed that he was compromised by cerberus after his participation in a failed coup. please see the official statement for more details. the death of a high profile politician is always a shock, but to those feeling betrayed, i want every human and alien to be reminded that spectres are chosen to protect the galaxy from both foreign and internal threats. ashley williams takes her role seriously, as do i, and her actions saved lives yesterday. in light of the recent citadel attack, the alliance would also like me to encourage people to remain vigilant against cerberus cyberwarfare and contact with reaper tech. stay safe, everyone.”

just like, very honest, frank statements or clarifications that might not otherwise get out there, with an emphasis on trying to keep morale as high as reasonably possible. it’s not classified info, but she wants people to stay informed, like she wants people across the galaxy being bombarded who think they’ve been abandoned to know that she’s still fighting for them everywhere she can. even though she’s feeling really dejected and pessimistic sometimes i think she’s determined to make other people believe they can win even when she isn’t sure herself.

post-war (AHHA YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE AFTER ME3, DIDNT YOU) as soon as she can travel, she kind of shoves her way into politics via reconstruction efforts despite her unstable health because she’s terrified everything will just go back to normal and the underprivileged people in slums and terminus colonies will be ignored. i think she keeps up the informative trend of letting people know what’s going on, like explaining what this or that emergency bill that was just passed by the council means, ‘cause she’s still new to politics and honesty all this dense language would’ve definitely confused her too. eventually as things start getting more settled she feels less guilty posting about how her day’s going. and then at one point, there is definitely a collective internet freakout when shepard acknowledges/makes a joke about one of the memes about her, and she’s like “what, you guys think i never go online or something?? i was a teenager once, i know how the internet works!” (she actually doesn’t spend that much time in forums or the like, she just learned about the meme from garrus and vega.)

(and then at some point post-war garrus, who used to have a dumbass video game let’s play account that gained a ton of popularity after me1 when shepard found out about it and asked to play turian call of duty with him on it (the vid was entitled “i play turian call of duty with commander shepard (my co)” and was mostly just them horsing around and then it went viral, but he took it down after she died and then purged the whole account/his entire online presence when he went to omega. but anyway a while post-war garrus comes to her like “hey you remember that video we made” “i remember the jokes about it” “well uh, i just managed to fix this old console i found at a flea market, do you want to do it again? yknow just kill time and lift people’s spirits?” so he makes a new account and introduces her to a lot of other games, she’s good at space overwatch but then when she gets cocky he makes her play like turian dark souls or some shit, and they record and post it online for kicks too)

fuck, i still have one more question left to answer???? i spent a fucking lifetime writing up this, I TOLD YOU ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT LYDIA WAS A MISTAKE

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey?

mostly i dont think she lets herself think about whether she’s a “good” person because emotionally, and morally, she doesn’t feel much different than she was when she was committing crimes for a living (though she knows logically she’s grown a lot, she convinced herself back then that she was justified in doing bad things by just trying to survive, which is… not entirely too different from now). anyway she still feels like she’s trying to make up for who she used to be, like she wants to put more good into the world than the harm she once contributed to, or failing that, she can at least remove as much of the evil in the galaxy as she can. (i keep forgetting to clarify, she didn’t just do petty theft and break-ins and lookouts and illegal reselling, she was occasionally a debt collector and beat people near to the point of death with biotics, and she hated it but it was mostly out of sympathy that she insisted on going instead of another gangster because if it were anyone else she knows they might’ve dismembered or tortured the person too.)

god i still haven’t answered your question. ive been writing for a full hour, keely. the long and short of it is that i think she’s morally gray. i call her paragade for a reason. she tries really hard to be a good person to make up for who she was (who she “had” to be), so she fights to save every life she can, but against enemies that show no remorse or whatnot, some of her old habits of ruthlessness and reluctance to forgive die hard. 

ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY OCS IF YOU FEEL LIKE SCROLLING PAST MORE LONG PARAGRAPHS ON YOUR DASH, YO

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

Hi! Do you think you can do a Jughead sickfic where he's sick at school and refuses to acknowledge that he is sick when it's obvious to everyone else? Sorry that the request is so general, but if you can do something that would be great and if you can't I totally understand. You're an amazing writer, keep it up!!!!

(First of all anon you are honestly the sweetest???

When life constantly throws obstacles and hardships at someone, that someone tends to grow a thick skin. However, a certain degree of care afterwards must be performed because at the end of the day, people are still human. Humans get hurt and weary.

Jughead tended to ignore the scratches and wounds that life gave to him, because processing everything that’s happened to him would surely drive him insane. If he for one second truly take in the harsh reality of his life, he wasn’t sure if he could put himself back together again. He developed an unhealthy coping mechanism of brushing things off and pretending wounds weren’t there, if he didn’t just laugh it off.

The same method applied to his physical health. If he had just elected to pretend it wasn’t there, everything would be fine.

The last thing Jughead needed was to get sick.

The past week had been far far too much for him. Jughead rarely ever cried, and this week he had cried 8 times that week already.  Nothing good seemed to come from that week. Of course, Fred Andrews was kind enough as to let Jughead stay with them long term, until at least FP could get out of jail. The way things were looking, that wouldn’t be for a very long time.

It really had been a hectic week, and Jughead’s crappy body of course could not handle it. It wore him down, until he woke up sick with a fever and a stuffy nose.

Jughead hadn’t even been in school for quite a while. After Homecoming, he had turned up once and literally forced out of school. He had missed days due to police interrogations and the like, and when he was granted back access to the school, Fred forced him to stay home for a mental health day. Needless to stay, he was really behind in all his classes.

Jughead could not afford to miss another day of class. He wasn’t exactly straight A student Betty Cooper. Which was the reason Jughead began to drag his sick, weary body out of bed and to school.

“Is Jughead still not awake?” Fred commented as he watched Archie nearly finish his bowl of cereal.

“I’ll go–oh,” Archie stopped himself as Jughead shuffled into the kitchen. He was fully dressed in his usual S T-shirt, dark jeans, loose suspenders, worn out converse, messy dark curls peeking out of a grey knotted beanie and denim jacket combo, but he looked awful.

“Woah, you okay sport?” Fred blinked, taking in Jughead’s pale face and dark circles. The kid looked behind exhausted. However sickness was not even on Fred’s radar, he just thought Jughead had yet another fretful sleep.

Archie frowned as his friend sat down next to him and poured the milk into his waiting bowl of cereal, “You not get enough sleep?”

Jughead smiled at him weakly, “Yeah, that’s it. I’ll be fine though.”

Fred frowned, “You sure you should go to school today? I can ring..”

“No, Mr Andrews, thank you though. I’m fine, honestly. I need to catch up,” Jughead insisted, his voice giving out by his last sentence, sounding strained and obviously painful. He cleared his throat and coughed lightly into his elbow.

“Hm, okay,” Fred said reluctantly, glancing at Archie briefly as if to tell him to keep an eye on Jughead.

Archie eyed his friend worriedly, but sighed and gave in. He finished up his bowl of cereal and waited for his friend to finish so they could head to school.

Jughead and Archie were pretty silent the walk to school. Both of them had their headphones plugged in, listening to different music.

Archie could faintly hear light sniffling mixing in with Daughter’s “Youth” he was listening to. He yanked out the headphones off of his ears, the melody abruptly stopping as he looked over at Jughead.

Jughead rubbed at his nose lightly, putting his hand down when suddenly he was involuntary inhaling sharply. He raised his elbow to his face, turning away from Archie and sneezing two, tired sounding sneezes. Once he recovered he lowered his arm, giving one sniffle then continued on listening to his music, like nothing had happened.

“You’re sick!” Archie accused, stopping.

“No I’m not,” Jughead said casually, a little boredly even.

Archie was a little taken aback, tongue-tied. He was at loss for words. Normally Jughead was a lot more defensive about his sickness denial, and this lack lustre, “just another day” attitude was working. Archie felt a little intimidated, realising Jughead was improving at his denial tactics and he would have to start forming a new strategy against him. He pouted to himself for a few seconds, because he had just gotten a hang of calling Jughead out of his bullshit.

Once Archie got over himself he stopped again, “We are turning around and going home.”

Jughead smirked at him, “What? Tell your dad I sneezed and I have to stay home? C'mon Arch, it’s a natural bodily function–some particles in my nose that needed to be expelled, probably.”

Archie glared, “Jughead Jones, I know what you are doing! Don’t think I don’t know your evil, scheming plan..”

Jughead looked playful, “It just appears you want to miss school because of that math test you have.”

Archie groaned, sulking, finally giving in and continuing their walk to school.

Jughead had finally managed to get Archie off his back when he went off to do some music stuff with the Pussycats, and he felt relieved. He made his way through the crowd of people, trying to reach his locker. Once he arrived, he started to unlock it when suddenly someone was pulling his beanie off.

Jughead groaned quietly, turning his head around to face Reggie Mantle with an annoyed look on his face.

The victorious, playful grin on Reggie’s face instantaneously faded once took in Jughead’s sickly appearance. He frowned and carefully replaced the beanie clumsily onto Jughead’s messy dark hair.

“Uh..sorry dude, you got a cold?”

Jughead rubbed at his pink nose and shook his head, “No? Didn’t know where you got that idea?”

To further debunk that statement, an irresistible itch began to gnaw at his throat. Irritated tears pricked at his eyes, as a brief but harsh coughing fit tore its way out of his throat and into his now surely germ infested jacket sleeve.

Reggie pressed his lips together and pulled out a packet of cough drops from his jeans and pressed them onto Jughead’s palm, “Sure thing, beanie baby. Uh..welcome back and..don’t die I guess.”

Reggie stalked off into the crowd quickly, not even giving Jughead the chance to protest. He quickly unwrapped one and popped the drop into his mouth, pocketing the rest of the pack and silently praising all the deities for Reggie Mantle. Jughead breathed in shakily, discreetly pressing the back of his hand against his forehead to check his own temperature.

He frowned at the intensifying heat, hoping today would go by as soon as possible. He breathed in heavily, bracing himself for the day.

The reason Jughead had decided to brave through the day and get his sick ass out of bed was so he could catch up with school, and now he couldn’t even hear what the teacher was saying because of his fever. Jughead was seriously regretting his decision because now his little sacrifice was worth nothing. He still couldn’t just admit that he was sick, so he continued on with his little charade.

Jughead squinted, hoping his vision would focus and stop fading in and out so he could stop feeling so nauseous and generally unwell. He was focusing so hard on trying to concentrate he didn’t even notice a sneeze building up and creeping up on him, until it was too late.

He had barely managed to cover his face with his arm, causing Veronica to look over sympathetically. “You’ve got yourself a really bad cold, haven’t you?” She sighed.

Jughead sniffled and shook his head, voice contaminated with congestion, “Huh? No, I haven’t.”

Veronica blinked incredulously, “..uh, babe, you are very sick.”

Jughead shook his head calmly, “I think you’re misunderstanding. I’m not sick.”

Veronica raised an eyebrow, “Um, Jughead..the whole world can see you’re–”

“Lodge!” The teacher yelled.

“Sorry,” She apologised quickly, sparing an exasperated glance over at Jughead quickly, before he shrugged at her and gave her a small, reassuring smile.

She sighed in frustration and turned frontwards again and got back to the lesson.

Betty released a sigh of relief as the bell rang, commencing the beginning of lunch time and thus dismissing her from her absolutely boring History class. She was already so done with today, and just wanted to eat and hang out with her friends.

She got up from her seat and left the classroom, taking a quick detour to the bathroom. Once she had finished, she made her way towards the Blue and Gold office as she had left her lunch there earlier that morning.

As she neared the door of the office, she could faintly hear a chorus of congested sounding coughing from within. She raised her eyebrow in suspicion, and slowly opened the door to reveal Jughead resting against one of the chairs, shaking violently.

Jughead’s eyes widened as Betty’s figure formed in his vision, jolting straight so he was no longer slumped weakly against the chair, trying to stop his shivering, “Betty! Hey! How are you?”

Betty raised her eyebrow at the rough edge of Jughead’s lowered voice, taking in his sickly features and frowned when she came to her conclusion, “Awh, Jug..you’re not looking so good. How’re you feeling?”

Jughead shook his head defensively, “I feel fine. I was just going to get a head start on the article..”

Betty shook her had furiously, “No way! For one you’re sick, and for two you need to rest! It’s been a tough week.”

Jughead stood up, hoping to prove his point but swallowed as a wave of nausea hit him from standing up, his entire frame racked with shivers, “Im okay, Betty. Really! I don’t even know why you’re so concerned when I feel great.”

Betty sighed deeply, “Jughead..”

“I’m fi–” Jughead cut himself off as he inhaled involuntarily, quickly turning away to harshly stifle three sneezes into his arm,  naively hoping Betty wouldn’t have noticed.

“Bless you,” Betty said softly.

“I didn’t sneeze!” Jughead insisted.

Betty looked incredulous.

“C'mon, Betty, lets go to the cafeteria or something,” Jughead pressed, making a move to exit the office when Betty wedged herself in between. She crossed her arms, face stern, as firm and resilient as she could be.

“Jughead Jones, you are not leaving this room. You are going to sit your sick ass down on that chair and relax.”

Kevin sat down at their usual table already inhabited by Archie and Veronica at the cafeteria, his face scrunched up in worry and concern. He looked a little spooked even, like he had just seen a ghost.

“What’s wrong Kev?” Veronica asked.

Kevin shook his head, “Its just..have you guys seen Jughead today? He looks awful.”

Archie rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh, “I keep trying to call him out on it, he’s so obviously sick it’s painful. I’ve tried to coax the truth out of him secretly by blessing him whenever he sneezes but he just acts like he didn’t sneeze at all?? It’s so frustrating.”

Kevin nodded in agreement, “Like he was just staring at nothing the whole time during Geography, like his cheeks are so red with a fever but he’s shaking so much?? The teacher asks him if he’s alright and he starts explaining the key features of an OS map.”

Veronica couldn’t help the laugh forcing its way out of her, trying to stifle the sound earning a glare from Archie.

“What?! That’s hilarious!” Veronica protested.

She sighed, “Yeah okay, it’s hilarious but it is concerning. Was he sick this morning? How’d he get sick?”

Kevin spoke up, “He got sick through a culmination of the infamous shitty Jones immune system and all the shit he’s been going through lately. I mean, that’s gotta be rough for his body, right? Speaking of which..”

Kevin’s voice lowered into a more soft and sympathetic tone, “How’s he holding up?”

Archie sighed sadly, “Not good. He isn’t sleeping, he’s having really bad panic attacks, he doesn’t even eat as much as he normally would.”

Veronica widened her eyes, “Jesus.”

Archie nodded, “Exactly! We didn’t even realise he was sick this morning because he’s been this dull the whole week. If only we could just tackle him down and get him to admit he’s sick.”

Veronica nodded in agreement, “This is frustrating. Where is he, anyways?”

Kevin pulled out his phone as it beeped, quickly scanning through his new text, “Uh, I got the answer to that.”

He raised his phone up so that the two could see what the text said.

Betty Cooper: Kev Jughead is super sick and he’s not admitting it so I’m trying to trap him in the blue and gold office hurry please I can’t hold him in here by myself

“C'mon, lets go get them,” Veronica announced, standing up and heading for the office.

The three friends managed to arrive at the Blue and Gold within two minutes of Betty sending the text; and when the Kevin opened the door to reveal the sight, Jughead looked even worse than he already was.

He was convulsing violently, arms wrapped around himself to try and provide himself with some warmth. His nose was rubbed raw, an angry shade of red and his cheeks were the same shade of red, flushed from a fever. His eyes were watery and bleary, face ghostly pale, highlighting his dark circles.

Betty was hovering over him, trying to feel for his temperature but Jughead was ducking away defensively, clearly not wanting her to feel his forehead. Betty sighed in frustration, trying to get a grip on his forehead but Jughead would only inch away from her, lightly swatting at her hand.

“Oh my god, Forsythe! If you’re really ‘not sick’ Just let me feel your forehead!” Betty exclaimed impatiently.

Jughead opened his mouth to protest but widened his eyes as he caught sight of his other friends. He instinctively straightened and cleared his throat, brushing messy curls out of his face.

“Wh..” Betty turned around to face her friends, and let out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god you’re here! Help me hold him down!”

“What?!” Jughead exclaimed, voice cracking and hoarse. Quickly, he turned away from her to stifle a sneeze into his shoulder.

While his guard was down Veronica rushed over and pinned him down in place so he wouldn’t duck away. Jughead squirmed, leaving Kevin and Archie at awe from Veronica’s display of great strength.

Betty pressed the back of her hand against Jughead’s forehead and frowned deeply at the result, “Jughead! You are burning up!”

Jughead shook violently, teeth chattering but shook his head all the same, “No I’m not!”

Veronica rolled her eyes, “C'mon Jughead, you’ve lost this battle. C'mon and admit it.”

Jughead shook his head childishly, crossing his arms and pouting. He sulked in the chair for a little while, still shaking and shivering.

“Awh, you actually look kinda cute when you’re sulking,” Betty giggled.

Archie sighed deeply and took off his Varsity jacket, grabbing at Jughead’s arms and putting the way too big jacket on him.

“Archie! It’s huge!” Jughead whined, stretching his arms out which were engulfed by the jacket sleeve to prove his point. However, despite his complaining he couldn’t complain about the warmth and comfort the jacket brought him.

Archie smirked, “Well I’ll take it back then.”

Jughead pouted, “No!”

The rest of the group erupted into laughter.

“You can keep the jacket if you admit you’re sick,” Kevin suggested.

Jughead huffed, “I–I..”

He sighed deeply and pouted, looking away in embarrassment, “Yes. Yes I am sick.” He sneezed into the soft fabric twice to prove his point.

Jughead curled up into the chair, snuggling up into the oversized but comforting fabric of Archie’s jacket. He closed his eyes exhaustedly, only then letting his guard down and showing how weak he actually felt.

“Yeah, I don’t..feel great,” Jughead mumbled.

“We know sweetie,” Veronica said softly, sitting down on the chair next to him and gently caressing his dark hair.

Archie smiled softly, “I’m glad you told us. I’ll go to the nurses and call my dad, you’ll be home soon.”

Jughead managed a soft smile, “Y-yeah..h-home.”

[polyx]

Get to know me tag:^)

I was tagged by @criminalmastermine

Name:

Polyxeni

Gender:

Female

Star sign:

Virgo/Sheep

Height:

170 cm

Put your music on shuffle, what are the first six songs to pop up?:

Ok because I listen on Soundcloud, Spotify and my folders on my phone, I’ll do 3 separate :^) Spotify 1) VIXX LR – Chocolatier 2) BTS – Lost 3) MOBB – Hit me (feat. KUSH) 4) Taemin – Thirsty 5) VIXX – Dynamite 6) BTS – Moving on (Ok it’s pretty obvious that I use Spotify mostly for k-pop lol)

Soundcloud 1) Sunday – Only 2) Sofi Tukker – Hey Lion 3) マクロスMACROSS 82 - 99 - 葛城 ミサトYEBISU (YUNG BAE EDIT) 4) Vantage // - Patrick Converter (ft. Chrollo)

5) M.RUX - Rembetiko Mon Amour // ρεμπέτικο αγάπη μου 6) Seiun – otogibanashi My folders on my phone 1) Lorde – Liability 2) Clueso - Achterbahn (Handgepäck Version) 3) Incubus – Pistola 4) Lana Del Rey – Once Upon A Dream (Maleficent OST) 5) Little Boots – Working Girl 6) Banks - Haunt

Grab the nearest book, turn to page 23 and write line 17:

“(…) because “a realisation that comes from society itself” could “already contain a reform (…)“. (roughly translated from German)

Last time you played air guitar?:

Uhm… I don’t know ^^° I rarely do it tbh… I usually dance

Celebrity crush?: The first person that comes into my mind is Lucy Lawless :^)

What’s a sound that you hate/love?:

I love it when it’s 4 in the morning and my window next to my bed is open, and the rain softly hits the glass and no car drives by, or when you sit by the beach at about 7pm in Greece in the summer, when most people had their share of sun and leave the beach, and the water softly hits the shore and a seagull are audible somewhere in the distance, or when you float in the water and your ears are under the water and  you hear the water and your heartbeat… also the soft flat breathing of the person laying next to you, or the rustling of the fabric of your bedding when you lay down to sleep… Idk I like a lot of subtle sounds. I hate hearing my joints cracking because I feel like I am breaking apart or something (?)

Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?:

Ghosts not so much, aliens? Definitely.

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?:

I’ve had my licence for 5 years now and I never crashed :3 I don’t drive much though.

What was the last book you read?:

Simon Beckett – Totanfang / The Restless Dead (original title)

Do you like the smell of gasoline?:

Hm… kinda.

Last movie you saw?:

Fack Ju Göhte 3

Worst injury you’ve ever had?:

Broke my left arm.

Any obsessions right now?: A lot, although I should focus on studying: k-pop (like the biggest obsession atm), writing/reading fanfiction, drawing (my go to instant stress reliever), gaming (I still need to finish Hellblade!!), music overall, manga, my succulents (my babies)

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who’ve wronged you?: Yes. I try to forgive or forget (or both) for my sake, but often it doesn’t work.  

In a relationship?:

Yes.

_______________

SECOND VERSION

Appearance:

I have long brown and blue hair, brown eyes and a long thin nose. My face is quite rectangular, and I have olive skin tone (but pretty light compared to others). I am chubby and well-proportioned I’d say. My nails are always short (except for holiday season because my nails won’t constantly break like during work) and usually some kind of varnish is on it. 50% of the time I wear clothes with some kind of pattern on it or colourful stuff, 25% of the time black and 25% pink shit, and always my casio on my wrist. I have 2 tattoos and 4 piercings, one stretched earlobe. Usually I wear make-up, and everyone knows me for wearing colourful eyeshadow.

Personality:

I am quite outgoing and like spending time with my friends and family and partner, but as much as I love having people around me, I need time to be alone. I just need to. I try to have an open ear for other people’s problems, but be prepared I might cry along with you because I am a very emotional person (like on Friday I was in a concert and started crying because the song was so touching lol). I’d say I am quite confident, but I need time adjusting in a new environment before returning to my confident self. At work I am the most patient person, but with my family I tend to be impatient a lot and I hate myself for it, but it’s getting better. I am very creative and love dwelling on details on random stuff (like I could tell you for an hour why I like a particular song for example). That’s also a reason why I can’t get shit done sometimes because I daydream a lot. Like… a lot… one person told me I remind them of Luna Lovegood because I seem trapped in my own bubble. I love arts. I used to be super tidy as a child, but now I am quite messy. I am often late (sorry to anyone affected by this v.v°). I love travelling. My bag is always ready for my nomad life, as I am always on the go.

Abilities:

I speak 3 languages! Also I draw and make jewellery. Also I have the ability to make a mess out of my room in the shortest amount of time, just watch me :^) professionally I am a druggist (but not the one working at a pharmacy, mind you) and I have a bachelors degree of trade and commerce. Also I’m a certified trainee instructor.

Experiences:

Well? I don’t know what this refers too… Maybe some random shit: -I used to do traditional greek dance as a kid. -I’ve never left Europe (sadly), but I’ve travelled to London, Vienna, Paris, Berlin and other cities. -When I was a smoll bean, I went to the central plaza of my dad’s village in Greece and returned with a puppy in my arms. My grandmother kept the pupper. -I love freaking LOVE technology, when I used my huge ass multitalented wireless printer for the first time and printed something via my phone I almost cried in excitement. -I can stop reading a book if it’s boring. -Once on my way home I sat in the tram, and there was a group of friends, drunk, pretty loud and happy, they were wearing traditional Bavarian clothing (Tracht), and they were …deaf! And one of the girls sat opposite to me, and complimented my hair, like we talked without using words, only by using our facial expressions and our hands, and she grabbed on piece of her hair and pointed at mine and we laughed, and then she offered me some of her vodka and I was so yolo at the moment I accepted, although I don’t accept drinks from strangers usually. I had such a blast these 10 minutes we spent together on the tram, I often think about her, and hope she is doing fine :’) - I remember as a young girl, I was sitting on an old faucet which was built in the short wall framing my grandparents’ house, and I was starring at the sky in disbelief. There I was, a young city girl, born and raised in Munich, sitting on an old faucet somewhere in an small village in Greece starring at the beautiful nightsky, seeing something I’ve never seen before. There were so many stars, just…so… so many stars… thousands and thousands of shiny dots across a black canvas. And they seemed to be alive. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Till this day, I remember this night, and I hear my mom asking what I was doing out there alone, surrounded by the wild noises of thousands of bugs around me. It has been more that 10 years, and this night is so vibrant in my memory. I will never forget this moment till my dying day. Still, I often spent time in Greece watching the stars, always in the back of my mind what my grandma told me once: don’t count the stars, it brings misfortune. - I pierced my ears on my own (…stupid). - I pretty much had my hair dyed any colour of the rainbow (except yellow, but I guess blonde counts?). - I’ve been to A LOT of concerts.

(I have some negative experiences too of course, but I don’t want to dwell on them) My life:

I still live with my parents, because I cannot afford anything on my own atm, but also due to other circumstances. Till the end of September I worked full time, now I started studying sociology (BA). I have been employed in the company I work for for 10 years now, and I love my work although it’s tough :’). I have a little sister who I love dearly, and she is making me a proud big sis:). My parents are the best parents, seriously you could not wish for better parents. I am super grateful to them for all I’ve been able to do in my life and all the love and support they have given, and are still giving me. Also, I’m so proud of them. The thought of what my parents have gone through makes me cry. I used to think I don’t have a lot of friends, but I do! And they all are beautiful unique personalities, I love them! I live the nomad live, as I feel I’m rarely home, always on the go. My co-workers are the sweetest people, I love seeing their faces light up when they see me :’) (ILY!!!) And my partner… there are no words to describe what sweet of a person he is. A puppy is nothing against him. I want to cuddle him forever. I am online a lot, but I don’t get involved with a lot of people online, safe for… 2 :’D Rach and Mine! I usually admire from afar, and fangirl in the tags for example. Overall I wake up everyday being thankful, my life is good! I appreciate every moment. I am blessed.

Relationships: I’ve only had 2 lmao, and I’m still friends with my first partner. Random stuff:

Ups I think I answered this earlier already…

THIRD VERSION

Relationship status:

In a relationship. We have an imaginary daughter lol.

Fave colour:

All hues of blue! Basically every colour but blue is the most dear to me.

Lipstick or ChapStick:

Lipstick for sure. I always have one in my pocket.

Last song:

Shahmaran by Sevdaliza

Last movie:

Fack Ju Göhte 3

Top 3 shows:

I don’t watch TV, neither do I have the time for series (I have GOT on halt, as well as “Halt and Catch Fire”) … But “The Vision of Escaflowne” is my favourite series of EVER. The story, the characters, the music, the art, the world building, I could cry it’s so beautiful. Also the whole ATLA and TLOK Series, it is so good!!! *cries*

Top 3 ships:

Oh man… ok. I’ll go for Amorra (Amon and Korra, TLOK), Truhan ( Gohan and Trunks, Dragonball Z) and basically every possible VIXX ship, because I love them all (but Wontaek though…)

I’d like to tag @valkerymillenia, @abnaxus, @coolera but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to :’)

[ghostie-hoe]

MY THOUGHTS ON 7x19 'FAREWELL MY LOVELY'

OMG I LOVED THIS EPISODE AND I NOW HAVE MANY SUSPECTS MAINLY EZRA AND CALEB HOLLYYYYY SHIT PLL 7x19 REWATCH - Very predictable that Aria was able to save her ass and retrieve her keys before that cop saw the body and dragged her tiny lying butt to jail. - Ezra dragging the girls to the ground, pointing out that they've all made mistakes they have to live with and Aria is no different. This episode was lacking a snarky comment from Hanna or Alison shading Ezra for being a lying, stalking predator. (I can dream, I just want them to say it out loud again!!!)!!! It's my aesthetic. - Directly after a scene where someone hid Aria's keys in the trunk of her car along with the body, Caleb mentions Aria having spare keys???? Caleb has been so shady this episode like, my heart couldn't take him being AD, just for the fact of Hanna, her reaction would destroy my soul, I mean she's targeted the most and Halebs love seems the most pure:((((( - pie????? And the Alison Varjack / Holly Golightly reference???? HELLO EZRA, I SEE YOU - Mary Drake is my favourite. I actually love her Idc - wtffff? We waited so long for that classroom scene only for it to be a gas leak related dream Emily had???? Wtf Marlene really does know how to disappoint - Why cant Emily tell Alison she loves her? I mean Emily is the one that has been pining over Alison for years and Ali has said it twice, but Emily can't seem to say it. Marlene just sort your ships out ffs - 'You have an alibi, you're in the clear' at what point did Aria speak to Ezra about this little prize AD gave Aria? Hmm hmm or should I say, the prize he gave her. - Are all these scenes of team Spahaleb together to make us as viewers forgive Marlene for the ATROCITY THAT WAS SPALEB??? The whole situation wasn't fair on any of them. - Can we just talk about that Mona and Caleb scene for a second, it's like when they were talking over coffee that time and seemed very comfortable around each other. Well, in that scene or was almost as if Mona was expecting Caleb, as if he were the one she were meeting with. The way Caleb takes control and literally gives Mona a order as if being at an a team meeting. - wow there's a secret passageway between the three crows diner and where Charlotte was killed. Ironically, Caleb knows exactly where to look hmmm - Oh Ezra aren't you just the biggest hypocrite "I think they gave up the right to be your friends." Well Ezra Fitz, I think you gave up the right to roam freely after breaking the law and involving yourself with two minors, one of which you built a relationship with on lies, stalked, lied and manipulated whilst writing a book about the other. You my lovely predator can't say shit. - Ezra my masters degree In American literature will help me dispose of a body so that the police won't find it and trace it back to either of us Fitz. Can you please dispose of yourself in prison now thanks - THE BODY IS GONE???? WHAT A SURPRISE???? NONE OF US SAW THAT COMING... HUH EZRA..? - Wow what another disappointment. Honestly Marlene should get an award for the biggest disappointments. We all really wanted that kissing rock video to have some relevance but nope we can't have that - AD DOESNT GET MESSAGES, THEY SEND MESSAGES. IS CALEB HINTING AT HIM BEING INVOLVED. OMG OMG THERE ARE SO MANY EZRA AND CALEB CLUES ITS LIKE THEY COULD BE SECRETLY IN CAHHOOTS - Have I ever mentioned how much I love Troian the director, producer, writer and actress???!! Have I ever documented my love for her talents and screamed to the rooftops about how much this woman deserves the ultimate happiness in life and millions of Grammys?????? - ITS PROBABLY JUST TROIANS ABILITY TO AMAZE ME WITH HER ACTING SKILLS BUT THAT SPALEB SCENE WAS .. sweet - Alison apologising to Aria. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. QUEEN BITCH ACTUALLY APOLOGISED 👏 👏👏👏 - STOP. MAKING. MENTALLY. ILL. INDIVIDUALS. THE. VILLAIN. WE. WOULD. NEVER. HURT. ANYONE!!!!!! - UMMMM IM REALLY IMPRESSED WITH VANESSA RAY'S ACTING IN THE MONA VS CHARLOTTE CONFRONTATION SCENE. LIKE IM LIVING FOR IT. AND DID I MENTION HOW FABULOUS JANEL PERFORMED IN THAT SCENE TOO. ALSO MONA HAULED HER ASS OFF THAT ROOF LIKE MY GIRL IS STRONG. BUT WHY DIDNT WE GET TO SEE IT??? AND WHY IS THE BELL TOWER SIGNIFICANT TO THE SHOW I MEAN, CECE WAS LITERALLY SHOVED BY ARIA OFF IT AND IAN COMMITED SUICIDE THERE??? - Mona's the most intelligent person on this show. When the doctors and Alison were blinded by Charlotte and believed that she was getting better, Mona had doubts and she knew that Charlotte wasn't sorry, she knew that Charlotte was going to start the game again and I seriously don't believe that Mona had any intent on killing Charlotte, just wanted to scare her. - 'Not only did you lose the game, you lost the story' Why does this seem to me that Charlotte is low key hinting at stealing Charles's story thus not actually being Charles???? I hope. Please Marlene - Mona is so precious. I'm so in love with her. I want to protect her. - 'She went back to a safe place. Where she only had to worry about you being mean to her in the cafeteria.' - Spencer throwing shade at Alison again 2k17. I'm here for it. This also sticks out to me considering they have been shoving this kind version of Alison down our throats since she came back in season 4, and it could totally hint towards the whole Alison we seeing now isn't actually Alison, reminding us that the bitch still exists - EZRA MONA AND CALEB. THE A TEAM HMM - The relevance of the body being buried in the fake Charles one to me, emphasises Charles being alive and not CECE. Also lmao they go to leave and Tanner turns up. And then Mary drake makes the ultimate sacrifice and CONFESSED TO BOTH MURDERS BUT TANNER JUST FUCKING LETS THE GIRLS LEAVE EVEN THO SHE CAUGHT THEM WITH A SHOVEL LMAO WHAT - These bitches get away with everything and I'm so fucking done with it. Lock them up. Kill them. I'm done - SASHAS ACTING IN THE SCENE WHERE MARY CONFESSES TO KILLING JESSICA HAD ME CRYING LIKE SASHA IS SO GOOD AT PORTRAYING EMOTION - don't ever try to convince me that Mona vanderwaal doesn't love and care about Hanna Marin. Mona would sacrifice everything for Hanna, and although I love Haleb, IM HERE for Mona and Hanna running away together and having Vandermarin babies ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ - AS A MEDIA STUDENT I REALLY LOVED THE END SCENE WITH AD DRIVING OFF INTO THE SUNSET BUT WHAT BITCH WANTED TO LESVE ROSEWOOD THIS EPISODE??? EZRA PREDATORY RAPE FITZ THATS WHO

[cilliansaccent]

The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 3

Hello, welcome back. Below is the next instalment of my fanfiction!

Leave a like or a comment if you liked it, or if I can do anything better! Please, it would mean the world and to understand if anyone is enjoying my writing. Also, sharing/reblogging would be even better. 

PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!! 

——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-

Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 3,869

!!Warnings!!: None. 

Date: March 2016

Chapter Name: A Heat of the Moment 

Brief Chapter Outline: Cillian meets Gabrijela’s best friend while both are still in bed before they head out for breakfast. Their morning ends with time spent at a local park where things begin to spice up between the pair... 

——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-

During the night, Gabrijela had a nightmare. She woke up crying out which startled Cillian and he had her gathered in his arms, hushing her and reminding her where she was and who she was with. 

He had made tea after that, and she had checked her phone to see what time it was. Around four in the morning. 

Together they sat back in bed after she refreshed herself in the bathroom, his arm around her, she clutched her tea and sipped it slowly. 

They soon went to bed afterwards, and she was all snuggled and warm once again in his arms. 

Came morning, she was scrolling through her Instagram and Facebook, replying to messages. 

Cillian stayed in bed with her and was chatting on the phone to someone. Sounded important, she thought. 

He hung up and sighed, rubbing his eyes, "Later today I have to drive up to Manchester." He said. 

"For filming?" She set her phone down, her heart sinking a little. 

"Mhm," he laid back down on the bed, and she rolled on to her side, facing him. 

"How will I get there? Or is there like an office here?" She asked. "As you can tell, I didn't read the letter again." She laughed softly. 

"You'll catch the train, I believe. You'll have to pay, as the rent for this apartment is all covered by the show. Is that fine?" Cillian asked. 

"Oh, sure! Yes, it's fine. I saved up as much as I could, and my dad gave me extra money, plus he gives me an additional fifty bucks a week." She said. 

"Oh, that's nice. I don't really know how much that is in pounds but seems a lot." He smiled, admiring her features. He was quite shocked and mesmerised how many freckles she had, so he asked, "I'm guessing you got the perks of your mothers side, huh?" 

She puffed out her cheeks, "Yeah. Lotsa freckles. And uh... Yeah." She was about to say good assets to but bit her tongue back. "Though, I was bullied as a child for it all. And as I got older, I discovered the magic of makeup. Covered the whole lot." She said, shaking her head. "But then I met my best friend who psyched me up, made me confident and to love myself." 

"And you should. There isn't anything wrong with how you look, or what you have." His voice was soft and still had that rugged sleepy tone. Made her feel... things. 

Her skin pricked when she felt his fingers glide through her messy bed hair, she stared into his eyes once more. Finding herself lost in them and hadn't realised he had moved closer. Or did she? 

But the sound of her phone ringing made them jump away from each other, he cleared his throat. 

Gabrijela picked up and her best friend, Lucia, let out a gasp. 

"Hey! Wait- Oh my god whos that?!" 

Gabrijela forgot for a whole second there that she could see Cillian beside her, "No one!" Gab clutched the phone to her chest. 

"Hey! HEY! No use hiding now, I saw it all girl! Lemme see! Hi random guy!" Lucia cried. 

"It's fine," Cillian chuckled when Gab gave him an apologetic look. 

She pulled the phone away and directed it at Cillian, who seriously looked like he was doing more than sleeping with his messy hair and sleepy eyes. 

"Finally, better than seeing your tits, Gabbie. Hi, hi, I'm Lucia." The dark-skinned girl with wild black hair waved excitedly through the phone. 

"Hello, Lucia. I'm Cillian." He waved back. 

"Goodness! I know! Oh my goodness! Gabbie! Scandalous!!" Lucia laughed, "Holy crap. Oh." She spoke in Spanish, and for a few minutes, they stared at the ceiling. 

Gabrijela was blushing like mad, "God she's mad. I'm so sorry." 

"Don't be, it's seriously okay," he got up and stretched. She couldn't help look at his butt. 

It was cute. 

"Hey, where'd he go? I got some questions! Why are you in bed with each other huh? Gab I need answers." Lucia came back into the frame, her brows high up and questioning look in her dark eyes. 

"Nothing happened, my god. So fucking horny." She muttered so Cillian couldn't hear. 

He went into the bathroom, the door shut a little. 

"You two seemed to have had a rumble of some sort." Lucia chided as Gabrijela popped on her Airpods. 

"Nooo, no fair!" Lucia whined. 

"Nope. Not allowed." Gabrijela laid on her side, legs pulled up a little. 

"Please tell me why then? If you didn't do anything then why? How'd you meet? Have you started the internship yet?" Lucia laid out the questions. 

"He picked me up at the airport, yesterday we spend the afternoon together and went for dinner and then... I guess he stayed the night because it was awfully late." Gabrijela wasn't going to tell Lucia what happened in the pub. She didn't want to stress her bestie out anymore. 

"Oh, yes. It was late." Lucia annunciated with a wink and air quotes with her fingers. 

"It was! I offered him to stay." She whispered it was more like an angry hiss. "Honestly, you're such a pain in the ass." She groaned. 

"But a fantastic pain in the ass! You love me!" She beamed. 

"Yeah, that's true." She laughed softly before Lucia delved into a different subject, about some guy she managed to nail the night before at some house party she went to. 

Cillian came back out of the bathroom and had a view of Gabrijela's ass. She hadn't noticed he stared at her, this... sudden need for her weaved through him and he quickly turned to go to the kitchen. 

What the fuck, he thought as he made coffee for the both of them, what was wrong with him? She was so out of his league and he shouldn't even come out of the bathroom until she moved. 

But it seemed it would have been a while when thirty minutes later she hung up and got up from the bed. 

"God, she can talk." She huffed as she came to the kitchen, and he handed her the mug of coffee. He made it his way so he hoped she liked it. 

"She seems quite uh, outgoing." He said, sipping his coffee. 

"Yeah. She is. But I think she was very hyper because she saw you. She's a massive fan." She leaned against the door frame of the kitchen. 

"So, she's your best friend?" He continued. 

"Yeah. She's twenty-three but thanks to our parents who know each other, we literally grew up together. She's like my little sister, but more... wild. She hates having foundations and loves being taken on the wind, so she says." 

"That's sweet. I guess that life suits some people." He stated with a slight shrug. 

"Yeah. My other three friends have a partner, three marriages next year." She laughed softly. I'm a bridesmaid for one." 

"Oh? You said three are getting married. Busy year." He blinked with surprise. 

"Oh yeah, very. Three different outfits. One is getting married in February, so it'll be summer. The one in July, and the other September." She shook her head. 

"Damn. One in each season almost. Gifts too?" He finished his coffee. 

"Yep. They did this deliberately, in the same year. Two will be at the same function rooms, the other is more country-styled as she lives in the countryside. If I was also getting married, I think I would've been sucked into doing it in the same year too." She shuddered, "I wouldn't want that. I'll have my own year." 

"Yeah. I'd agree on that. Would be too much." Cillian nodded. 

"Oh well, at least I can find an outfit here for the weddings. Get something... Different. Or well, depends if I have enough money on the end after my shopping spree." She set her empty cup into the sink and washed up. 

"So, should I make breakfast or...?" Gabrijela asked. 

"I thought we should go out for breakfast. There's a nice pub down the road but I can assure you there won't be any--"

"It's fine. I'm sure it'll be amazing." She turned to him, giving him a reassuring smile. 

He closed his mouth and smiled, "Alright. I'll get myself dressed, I guess it'll be the same thing as yesterday." He hummed and went to fetch his clothing. 

Gabrijela grabbed some black jeans, a short-sleeved cream sweatshirt, on top a checkered black and white shirt and then an oversized denim jacket on top of it all. 

She pulled on her Doc Martins and a small crossbody bag enough for her wallet, phone and her passport. 

"Ready." She smiled and the pair headed out. 

The pub had an okay crowd, still had the creepy old man vibe but maybe she was still shaken up from last night. 

Cillian kept close to her side, his hand brushing along hers to remind her he was there. They took a table outside instead of inside. 

She picked up the menu and looked through it, "I'll have the big breakfast." She said. 

"Okay, what about a drink?" He asked, already knowing what he wants. 

"Mocha, please. Skim milk." She replied as she set the menu down. 

He nodded and got up to order inside. He came back after a moment before his phone rang up. 

He picked up, "Hey Sile." He said, his Irish accent spiked at the name. 

She remembered he had two younger sisters, this must be one of them. 

"Yeah... Yeah thank you, I'd love that..." He laughed, "Oh, god okay. Tell mum and dad I said hi and I love them... Thank you, gonna be a long couple of months ahead. See you, Sil." He said and hung up. 

"Who was that?" Gabrijela asked, even if she had an idea who. 

"My sister. Wishing me all the best for the upcoming months said she might come down with Orla, my other sister, and visit me." He said with a happy smile, he seemed to light up when he spoke about his family. 

"Awh! How cute! Maybe I should say hi," Gab gave him a cheeky smile. Their drinks were set in front of them. 

"Of course you can. They would love to meet you." Cillian agreed with her despite she was only kidding. 

"Oh-Oh yeah okay." She took her cup and took a drink of it. Perfect balance. 

As they continued to chat about this and that, some girls came up to the table. 

The brunette had a heavy accent, "Mr Murphy? Hi, I-I'm a big fan of you a-and I was w-wondering if you c-could sign this f-for me?" She held out a photograph of him as Thomas Shelby. 

Behind, her mother it seemed, was giving her an encouraging smiled as the other two girls seemed to do the same, holding out their own things for him to sign. 

Cillian seemed suddenly nervous and gave a look at Gabrijela, "Go ahead." Gab said, nodding a little. 

He smiled and signed the items, answering the fans questions but had politely declined a photograph with them. He gave them all hugs and they seemed to bloom with utter joy as they all giggled and hurried along with the older woman. 

"You wouldn't believe it but I get fans following me sometimes." He said as he turned back to Gabrijela. 

"Oh?" She snickered as their food came. 

"Yeah. I'm not too fond of it though. But it's not too much of a nuisance, not in London anyway. Where we film there's a lot of fans that hang around, hoping to catch a glimpse or for me to sign something." He said, smacking his lips in a 'tsk' sound. 

"But no photos?" She tilted her head to the side as she cut up her sausages. 

"No. I'd rather give a hug or sign, better for them to remember the moment." He explained. 

"True, but I'd always love a photo. I'd cherish that just as much as a moment, but that's just me." She said eating her food. 

"How about now? The past two days with me?" He looked up and paused from taking a bite out of his toast. 

She smiled as she gazed down at her food, "Cillian, this... experience, I'll remember it even after I've died. Besides, I got a photo with you." She winked at him. 

"Oh, that's true, true." He laughed sipping his coffee. "I'm glad I can make this experience amazing. It truly makes me thrilled." 

They moved on to a topic they both loved, music. It became heated, and people turned to see what they were on about. But they were in their moment, and even after they left the pub. 

They headed to a local park nearby, they had managed to calm down and come to an agreement finally. 

There was a little private area and they went there, beneath a large tree that had overhanging branches. There was barely anyone around but it was still nice. 

She crossed her leg over, hands folded in her lap. They sat there, in silence, totally in content with each others presence and the area around them. 

Peace. 

"I'll be leaving in three hours," Cillian said after some time. 

"Mood killer," She whined, looking at him with a scowl. 

"Sorry, wanted to remind you." He had an arm behind her, and she had moved closer to his side. 

"I'm gonna miss you." She said softly, she leaned her head back on his arm. 

"We'll see each other basically every day!" He chuckled softly. 

"I know, but we won't hang out as much, like now." She reached up and picked some lint off his shirt. 

He watched the movement, "Who said we won't hang out? We'll get the time. We can make time." He took her hand, holding it to his chest. 

The whole thing was weird, it felt... intimate. His arm around her, their heads close, his eyes on her. 

This closeness with Cillian was different than anything she had experienced. With her ex, whom she broke up a year ago, was a different type of closeness. It was more sex-driven and lust, unlike with Cillian, they connected with their similar likes and dislikes, and he never seemed to judge her. 

He looked at her as if she was more than a sex object, he watched her with pure interest and intrigue. 

But maybe she was looking too much into it, they had known each other well over forty-eight hours, and she was to be here till January. Who knows, maybe he was only putting on a show since he was a very reserved man. 

She didn't know how he was truly when he wasn't in his acting spotlight, maybe he wasn't nice, maybe-

She was overthinking now to an extreme and suddenly sat up. 

"What is it?" Cillian asked, sitting forward with her, a hand on her back. 

"Nothing, just thinking." She said as she slowly sat back, she moved closer to his side and laid her head on his shoulder.

His arm was around her once again and he squeezed her gently to him, "About?" He held her hand in his lap again, his thumb running over her knuckles. 

"Ah, nothing. Something silly." She replied, her emotions were on a wild roller coaster ride. 

"You know, you can talk to me? I know we have only known each other for a bit, but, I am here for a good chat. As long as you want." He brushed a hair away from her cheek, and she looked up once more. 

A devilish thought came to her and she had the urge to satisfy it. But she may as well bring down this growing relationship into the gutter if she did so. 

And he may not want to talk to her at all, only during her times when she was on set. 

"Yeah. I know. Thank you for the offer." She smiled, it made crinkles at the corners of her eyes. 

He let out a soft gasp, "Smile again like that." He suddenly said. 

"What?" She laughed a little. 

"Smile." He said and began to tickle her. 

"Cillian!" She cried out and laughed, trying to fight him off. "What is wrong with you!" She said in between laughter. 

She managed to escape, "Bad!" She backed up when he stood, giving her a cheeky smirk. 

And then she ran. He chased after her, around the little park they went. 

She laughed and he did too, they were having the time of their life. No one bothered them. 

She had lost him around a tree and was looking behind her, but didn't see him ahead. Neither did he. 

She ran right into him and their heads clashed. Together they tumbled back onto the grass with a gasp then a grunt from Cillian. 

She was on top of him rubbing her forehead, "Owie." She complained. 

"I hope I don't get a bruise now." He said, wincing a little. 

"What about my face, I can't get a giant lump on mine." She pushed herself up a little, both arms on either side of his head. Her hair was a veil around them. 

"Be more concerned about mine!" He squeezed her sides and she yelped, jumping at the touch. 

"You'll be fine!" She argued back. She watched his eyes widen a little, and he scoffed. 

She smirked, and she wasn't going to lie to herself, she did like this. She moved and he let out a soft grunt, she was now straddling his waist. 

"Should we get up?" He asked, slowly sitting upright. His arms moved around her waist, her hands slid up his arms to rest on his shoulders. 

"I don't know, do you want to get up?" She asked, her breath hitched when she felt his fingers tips come into contact with her bare skin. 

"I'm asking you." His tone was a gentle caress for her ears. 

She gulped, holding his gaze once more, and that devilish thought returned and she found herself succumbing to it as she leaned in. 

Cillian felt his heart pound faster as he watched Gabrijela lean in, his mind was telling to be the better man and to pull away, but he honestly didn't know if that was the right choice. Move away and create this awkwardness between them or let it happen. 

But he didn't need to do anything when she was the one who jumped back. 

"Fuck, I-I don't-" She scrambled off him, still positioned between his legs. 

"It's okay. Hey." He moved to a kneeling position and took her hand. "It's alright. Don't fret." 

She looked up at him, her brows furrowed a little, "God I don't know what I was doing. I didn't mean to. It's too early, fuck, what is wrong with me?" She laughed nervously as she stood up. 

He stood up as well, "Nothing is wrong with you. Heat of the moment." He stroked her knuckle with a thumb.

The touch eased her, but the 'heat' of the moment made her tingly all over. Everywhere. 

"Yeah. Heat of the moment. I'm still sorry though. I shouldn't have done that." She shakes her head, pulling her hand back. His touch was making her feel all sort of things. 

He sighed, "Come on, let's head on home." He said to her and she followed him reluctantly. 

The silence was weird and awkward. She stood before the door of her apartment and faced him, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" She said. 

"Yeah, we will. It'll be a big day, so get some early shut-eye, eh?" He asked. 

His expression was soft, caring. No hint of judgement. It made her almost want to kiss him. 

"Okay. I will. I gotta prepare my stuff for tomorrow anyway, got a report to do." She hummed. 

"Alright." He kinda just stood there, expecting something else. 

She stepped down a step and wrapped her arms around his neck. She held on to him and his arms wrapped around her swiftly. 

"Thank you for the last three days. I can't wait to work with you further," She murmured and pulled back enough to admire his finely chiselled face. 

"Yeah, neither can I. And the rest of the crew, of course." He squeezed her sides again. 

Heat bloomed within her, "See you tomorrow, Cillian. Drive safe." She leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

He pulled her close so their bodies were flushed. She could feel every hard part of him, the strength of his body. 

She let out a soft moan and blushed as they pulled back, "You be safe too. Ring me if anything happens alright? Even if you need a chat. It'll be a long train ride." He said, cupping her cheek with a hand. 

She could see the nerves behind those lovely big eyes, the moment had rattled him. And she wasn't sure if it was good or bad. 

She nodded and stepped back, "Bye." She smiled and went to the door, punching in her pin and pushed open the door. She looked at him once more before she turned away and closed the door behind her. 

When she came to her apartment and peeked out the balcony, he wasn't there. His car was gone. 

She sighed and went back inside, the last hour was wild and she never felt so damn hungry for more. 

More of him. 

Her heart ached, her body ached in places where she wasn't satisfied in a long while. 

God, she thought, she was here on an internship. To fucking learn. Not to fuck the materials. 

She shook her head and cursed herself when she thought about the scenes of him in the show. The intimate ones. 

Another moan escaped her. "Fucking horny piece of shit," She muttered to herself and fished out what would ease her body. 

Later that night... 

She had received a call from Allison. The news was, she was going to be picked up around five in the morning. 

She chatted with the woman about what to expect, how long she was going to be on set or if there was anything else she was supposed to do. 

Gabrijela learned that she was going to work with, bing bing! Cillian most of the time, and the other men who were to be the Shelby men. 

Great, she thought, she would have to deal with the man who was wedging himself into her heart and soul. 

But, she had to put it aside. This was for her studies, and she needed to focus. And to shower. And eat. And then sleep. 

But she was also excited that she wasn't just going to work on the set, she was going to help Allison design some clothing for some play that was set to practice early next year. 

More to learn, the hungrier she got. 

She did as Cillian told, eat, shower, talked to her dad for a bit before she hit the hay. 

Though, her dreams were muddled with Cillian, his gaze, his touches, his soft lips that brought about gooseflesh all over her. 

And the wicked sounds he pulled from her.