#lifenigma

[thekirstenkhaye]

infinities x wormholes (SETBACKS)

I honestly have no idea how to start this. So I guess if this intro sucks, you know now why. LOL.

I’m still not sure how to begin this to be frank but yes, of course, I know I need to start somewhere anytime soon and stop beating around the bush.

Setbacks.

Let’s start with this word because if you’ve got to read the very first blog I posted this year, you will already have an idea of why this word made it to the title of this blog post. And if you haven’t read that yet, well, go to that post first and read it. I linked it on the word ‘Setbacks’ above. This post will make more sense if you do that first. I swear. Although, of course, if you don’t want to be bothered, just continue reading, and PLEASE HAVE AN OPEN MIND while reading this entire entry. Okay? Thank you. Because we need to be mature here if we are going to do this together ^.^

Now let’s get this straight on. I’ve been engaged since late 2016, I just said on my previous blog post that it’s late 2017 because we only started making serious wedding and finally settling down together kind of plans half way through 2017. Yes, I know, it may sound like we’re not taking it that seriously to just plan and make everything work on a short amount of time. And I won’t lie, so yes, that is probably one of the few reasons why the wedding didn’t push through this year. It’s simple, we’re obviously not ready for it. You know, emotionally, YES OF COURSE WE ARE DEFINITELY INTO IT. There’s no argument there, and whoever you ask from the both of us about it, we won’t think twice for the answer. However, ladies and gentlemen, we are living in the real world here and not in some chick flick movie hence there are some adult stuff and real shits that we have to handle that you know, we didn’t expect that will hit our unpreparedness real hard.

So now, you might wonder how I felt after everything. Well, I guess I’ll have to say first how we came up with the decision of postponing it and all the jazz of handling the aftermath of the postponed wedding.

Well, okay, you see, this blog post was a bit hard for me to write and you know, put more of my feelings out there when I wasn’t even sure of what I was feeling. It’s been almost 2 months already since I started constructing this, but now that it’s officially one week before our 3rd year anniversary, I know exactly what to put on here.

I realized, for over a month of trying to finish this entry, this is just how far I’ve come to. Not even ¼ through with what I want to share. Actually “would’ve” now since part of my realization before finishing and posting this on here, is that, you know, I don’t really like the idea anymore of putting my life out here. Especially my lovelife. First of all, because it slid my mind that Gravity is a very private person and to be honest, so far, I’ve loved how the privacy of our relationship feels like. It feels more secure. If that makes any sense.

NO FRET, though. This post will still have something in it. I’ll still share my thoughts about our relationship. It may not be that detailed but I promise I’ll be sharing an honest to God feelings and thoughts of mine.

Let me just answer the question of how we’ve got to agree to postpone the wedding I think. That’s much better to start with, yeah?

So this is how it went. Gravity and I have known each other for almost 4 years now which technically to be honest makes us to have been dating for over 3 years already. But then again, we just knew for ourselves I guess that we would need to make a sturdy foundation first if we both want a serious and committed romantic relationship with each other. And yeah, in 6 months from when we first met online, I think we did just that in the best way we can. Unintentionally, but obviously it worked for us after all. Hence when he’s frustrated, or you know, agitated about something, I can almost instantly sense it. And yes, even despite the distance, I just can, okay? That’s why when he was acting like that one week (or maybe over a week) before his arrival here back in May, I just knew that we’ll be talking about some serious shit. As expected by yours truly, one day, it happened. He was the one who brought it up first. Yow girl though, being the cancer (like the zodiac sign, okay?) that I am, of course got upset and said some stuff that well, I guess pretty unnecessary but still never regretted anything I said that time though cause a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, you know. I needed that sudden outburst for me to get myself together and you know, collect myself after a bit of lashing out. In my defense, it’s not that I was so mean to him but I did act like a bitch. LOL. I asked him nicely though to give me some space and all that jazz for me to think about it.    

After a few hours (or was it just even less than an hour? LOL not sure anymore), I got myself collected, and told him…yes, I’ll be quoting myself cause it’s cringey as f*ck, so here you go. LOL. I said, and I quote, “You know what’s worse? You gave me a date, you gave me hope, and you gave me something to look forward to.” And so on and so forth. Just know that I did lash out before that part. Like it’s a 10 chat bubbles comprised at least 100-200 words each. There’s even this CRINGY ASS BUBBLE WITH WORDS IN CAPSLOCK. Like everything in it and I quote again, “I HAD MY FUTURE SO CLEAR TO ME ALREADY *HIS NAME*. WITH YOU, TOGETHER WHERE WE GET TO HAVE A HOME, WHERE I CAN FINISH A DEGREE WHILE YOU GET TO YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL IN YOUR CAREER, AND WHERE I CAN TRULY BE HAPPY ONCE AND FOR ALL.” Yes, I know, cringey and cringy all at the same time. Now y’all know now, don’t let your happiness be a person nor like just a mere plan. Just BE happy. No hows, whens nor whys. Even buts actually, don’t ever do that. Or you’ll end up just like me. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t know all of that before we had the plan of getting married or whatnot. It’s just that, you know, even if you know for yourself what is right for you, in times like what happened to me and if you’re as weak as me, it will surely slip your mind and you’ll just be that one petty person who’ll just be living in his/her own fairytale.

But I did end my verses with a very light note though, and I quote once again, “I know our lives are stressing us out right now. Yes, it’s overwhelming to the point that we’ll really get to question if we’re doing this the right way. But please, think of how long we’ve waited for this time to come. Our individual agony because distance is keeping us apart and we can’t be there for each other when we both really need at least just a hug for comfort. But again, as I said up there, I’m not going to force you to continue the wedding if you’re really not ready yet though. Just tell me ASAP lolz so I can go back to work than doing nothing.” And sent that with a laughing emoji. That easy. Although I must say that I did really feel so heavy that time. Which is reasonable too, I guess during those moments. HAHA.

Now though, that I’ve already seen the silver lining of the wedding getting postponed (?), I do really think that I was being such an irrational girl. Like I was seriously just being a girl who’s complaining of how her happily ever after is not happening anymore. I am facepalming myself so hard everytime I think of those days. Because honestly, though, I didn’t even have a visa yet when he’s about to arrive already so what was I really expecting? LMAO. Besides, to be completely honest, it was part of my lashing out that I get to tell him how terrified I was of the plan but I still pushed it through just because I was convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. So when I’ve re-read everything, I’m just relieved in a whole different level.

I won’t just share anymore about Gravity’s one month vacation here because it wasn’t really that eventful. One thing’s sure though. That long time together didn’t let us see or you know, make us realize that it’s the right thing that we didn’t push through the wedding because we couldn’t stand each other after all. On the contrary, it made us realize how much of a right thing that decision was because his stay here proved to us that we do really want to be together and it’s really way different than being apart. Hence, planning out everything, even not the wedding first, is very important. Just so we can be sure that we really will be together soon. We just need to be patient and work on it more seriously now. Because it’s not a thing for kids, really. It requires two adult that understand and know each other well enough to make a long term decision together.

So, I think I’ll just wrap this up now with this.

We’ve been together way longer than how most people get to be in a relationship now. And you know, despite that, I am convinced still that no matter how much that we do feel like we’ve known each other so well already, that’s not really the defining thing that would let us be really together just like how we very much wanted it to be. It’s not that easy, because every single day is every single opportunity also for us to grow into something that would let us be who we want to be as an individual. Our love for each other, it’s not just that that would keep us together. We’re best friends and not just lovers, y’all should know that. And no matter what, we would still care for one another. Hence, y’all should know also that in whatever circumstances, we would always choose the option of making each other the best of who we can be as a two different person. 

We do have plans now. Again, for us, together, for the near future. And yes, I can picture it happening. You know, somehow. But for now, I’m happy that we’re happy just how it is going. We’re not rushing things to get into their places, and I’m glad that we’re letting it be that way. Most importantly, you know what I’m most grateful for? It’s that I have someone who won’t ever fake a dream and give it to me just to make me happy and satisfied. I’m thankful that no matter how hard it is, I have a person, a best friend that would always live in reality with me, supporting me to be the better person that I want to be, and to have everything that I deserve in life. And you what? I wouldn’t want it in any other way.

Always keep in mind, Happiness is not finding the right person, but happiness is being the right person. OKAY?

[thekirstenkhaye]

infinities x wormholes (Valentine’s Day 2020)

This is the post on Facebook that I privated there because I have a feeling that what I wrote on it is just too personal and if they want to know them, or just you know, know that much.. there’s no better place to read it and make sure they read them correctly, but HERE. So if you wanna know the content of the said post, just scroll down some more. Hihi.

It's wayyy past midnight here in the Philippines... Well, yknow, it doesn't really matter if it's Valentine's or not actually. I think one way or another, my husband deserves an appreciation post here on Facebook even if it's not at all necessary. One thing I've known and figured is that although it's such a cliche thing to say that "COMMUNICATION IS THE FCKIN KEY", no relationship is still gonna work out if your commitment to communicate is not built with trust and respect. It's been almost 5 years that we're in a Long Distance Relationship, kinasal nlng kami joskoooo hahaha but lo and behold we're still sailing the ship, no matter how undetectable its voyage is, what I think is important is that we both know and feel that we are moving.

Should I say something na nakakakilig pa ba? Or some freakin' heartwarming sheez? LOL. Let's just say that if you do actually know me and us as a couple, you would know how we've been nurturing the marriage. Like may natanggap ba akong valentines gift or what not, basta alam nang nakakaalam. If you don’t know, well I guess, you don’t know. HAHA. Wag na mag-assume pa, ano? I mean, we’re not in a perfect ship, but we're choosing every single day to do our best to keep its buoyancy as we continue in motion. And I thank God every day that I have a partner that has stayed with me holding its steering wheel.

sooooo eto na nga yung message, ahayyzz HAHAHAHAHA

Sorry Dayne if all you did is to understand my indifference before you went to bed. And thank you for ALWAYS being patient with my attitude coz I know, not everyone can (which has been proven and tested already haha) soo yeahh, through infinities x wormholes, eh? 😉🤗😘

Happy Valentine's Day! ❤️

PS: Also thanks for never failing to give me and whoever is around us a vivid memory of why I am laughing and my heart is full of mirth whenever I am by your side in the most genuinely innocent way possible 🥰

[thekirstenkhaye]

E N E R O

Here we go again.

It has been a yearlong, I think, since I last posted something on here. I know, I know. Same excuse, same blab. However, I think there is a catch on this one now. If you want to know what, then you better keep on reading..

First of all, I know I posted something about me getting hitched first before this one so technically it hasn’t been that long yet. Nevertheless, I want you all people to know the truth always, so here is the thing. I did actually start writing this first because I have been feeling strongly about something, and that what truly urged me to stop procrastinating and get my ass off my phone. Stop browsing through my social media accounts; sharing, retweeting and liking posts/tweets about and/or relating to what I’ve been feeling, and you know get up and grab my laptop and fckin’ start on writing my thoughts out already. Therefore, here we are! Blogging at its finest yet again. Posting one after the other. It has been quite a year after all anyway, you know.

Now let me start from the very beginning.

January. Oh what a start of the year it was.

OPS! OPS! OPS!

You didn’t read everything up there that were crossed out, did you? Hihi.

Well I crossed them sh*t out for a reason. One, is because those few bits up there were from my draft last year that was supposed to be my year ender blog that as you all know now, that I didn’t get to post because of the reason that I said on my last post here. And two, although those words would actually still make sense up to now, I don’t really feel like starting this year in that kind of light. Especially now that it’s coming back to me all the feelings, tensions and just all the not really pleasing vibe. So if you want to read more of what has been up with me this month of January and what are my thoughts on starting the year with everything that had happened last year. Then let me be my guest, welcome again to Lifenigma!

Where should we start?

Hmm. Let me see, I guess, let’s go with the cool fact that I welcomed and celebrated the new year and new decade in my beloved city of Cebu.

So yes, I did went to Cebu. But of course this happened because I went there with my family. We welcomed the year 2020 in Cebu, which is part of the planned Philippine vacation trip of my grandmother and aunt who are living in USA. They are back there now again actually. Because you know, immigrant life, I guess. And people gotta work to have their well-deserved vacations when they wanna have them. That’s one thing I learned throughout the years of having family living and working abroad to be honest. That getting to be in a different country doesn’t instantly mean “good ass fckin life.” NAH, MAN. If you think it that way, you might as well try it out yourself first before blabbing your fcvkn mouth with nonsense. Hard work, Determination and Perseverance are always the key that you should obtain if you want to have that good life you’re dreaming of. And yes, if people who see me perceive me as a person who is born with a silver spoon, I guess I can’t blame whoever would ever think that way. Because hey, my family made sure that I have a good life and I thank them for it. But hell to the NO that it means everything went smoothly for me, for us! LOLZ. Because if you do really know me personally, you won’t ever think of my life that way. Dude, my life story is worth an MMK or Magpakailanman episode, and we’re not even talking about my lovelife yet nor how I fought through getting attacked by a ruptured Arteriovenous Malformation (Hemorrhagic Stroke). So you know, if you think you actually know me.. which, well, maybe you do, by some part of it at least that I let you have a glimpse of. THINK AGAIN. Hihi.

Here’s some photos from the said trip. (I’ll include them here soon as I get a hold of the photos in good quality condition.)

So that’s how my year started, traveling. But of course not forever is a vacation, by the 2nd week of January, I went back home, directly heading to a seminar/orientation by a Foundation in Pampanga that was celebrating their 33rd Anniversary before going back to Zambales upon landing. Yes, it was tiring because I had to commute still from the airport in Clark to San Fernando by myself under the heat of the sun. Admittedly, there were even times that I couldn’t help but doze off during the whole day event. It was catered for the PWD Sector and Senior Citizens that is very efficient since it’s the Launching of the Community Based Rehabilitation (CBR) in which if you are a leader from these two sectors, you would know how helpful CBR is specially for the IPs. To be honest it’s not one of those seminars that I really got engrossed with. Main factor would probably be because I was really exhausted to even completely comprehend what the facilitators were talking about. Some of them (speakers and topics) were familiar to me though and I have encountered them from my previous visits in Pampanga so I was somehow disappointed with myself on how I behaved throughout the seminar.

Anyways, if you want further information about the Foundation that invited us to the said event, just click here.

If you don’t know it yet and have not read my blogs here before, I think it’s time for you to know now that I’m a PWD volunteer/leader in Olongapo City ─ down to the grass roots in one of the Barangays of the City. I’ll just post a different blog on I guess giving you some insight of how long I’ve been volunteering and/or what on earth I am doing as one. But for now, I must disclose first how lousy of a leader I have been in our Barangay this January. Why? Because firstly, I didn’t get to set a monthly meeting with my members; which could have been the first one of the year. Second, I didn’t get to prioritize my plans for the year for our Barangay. And yes, it’s because I’ve been too focused on taking care of myself, I guess? I forgot that I have sworn an oath to take care of others too before the year 2019 ended. I have loads, huge plans for this year to be honest. Which I guess, since I’ve let the first month of first quarter pass by without doing anything productive about it, I should now work my ass off this 2nd month of the year. YES! I’ll do just that! :) 

Moreover, in the last week of the month, I enjoyed spending it with my uncle’s family, by celebrating my cousin’s birthday in Pampanga. It was fun, even if most of us got cough and colds when we got home after the said staycation. It was still one heck of an experience. You gotta love life you know. You only live once after all.

I am in no way living a perfect life but I do love it, believe it or not. There may be those rough roads, puddles you need to either leap on or just enjoy walking through no matter how messy it can get. Nevertheless, you know, it doesn’t really matter that much at the end of the day because that’s how you’ll grow as an individual. Life gets pretty tough and you will never know as well when the demon would actually test you, but as long as you believe that there are people who see you as who you really are and still love you and will be there for you, EVERYTHING’S GOING TO WORK OUT JUST FINE.

With everything that have happened (may it be from last year? LOLZ. I know some of you, if you guys are reading this right now.. are still probably waiting for me to post something about this somehow plot twist in my life before 2019 ended. HAHA. Hmmm, I might get there one day, okay. Who knows? We’ll see, eh? Hihi.), one thing is evident by this month of January, it is how lucky and grateful I am to have my family.

 vivre la vie au maximum, gens!

K<3

PS: I will add some more photos here before I post another blog. I may or may not update you about it on Instagram if this blog is already complete with photos. So might as well, follow my account there. HAHA. Yes, I’m shamelessly plugging my IG. #SorryNOTSorry

[thekirstenkhaye]

Recovered

Hi, Hello! It’s a NEW F***N DECADE!

Ooopsie! To the newbies, please excuse my cussing. Hihi. But yeah, I tend to do that here; more often than not actually so, I guess, welcome to my life, eh? Welcome to Lifenigma!

Anyways, let’s get down to it.

Well, this is not really an official entry to be honest. This post is just a filler. You know, that simple proof in this thing you call life to remind myself that even the simplest sh*t matters. And man, it’s not like.. “oh yeah, hey of course, it does.” But it’s actually, “BITCH, LISTEN, IT MATTERS A LOT.”

Why? Bitch, why not?

So, listen, if you’re a friend of mine on Facebook and you’ve seen and read the caption of this post, you would instantly know (but if not, maybe just an idea at least) why I have to post this first before posting an official one (however that freaking OFFICIAL post is actually like. LOLZ).

In addition, if you know me personally and have known what went down in my life in the last quarter of the year 2019, the title above might give you an idea ahead of what this post could possibly be about. It is not intentional, though, it’s just the very first word my mind thought of when it happened.

UGH. Yeah, sure Kirsten, you kept on blabbing again. What on earth was that that happened already?

LOLZ. Yes, ugh, sorry, it happens. Hihi.

Okay, here you go now.

Apparently, what happened is... it happened couple of hours ago, so it’s was. Haha. What happened was, I found out what went wrong with this account why I couldn’t log in last year, when I was trying to open my account and get to post something as a year ender kinda thing. With that said, what I am just trying to convey with this post is that, there’ll be no new site anymore that will be made. Yayy! Because first of all, truly, that sucks since even if admittedly most of my posts here way back have so many errors (grammatically speaking or what not), it’s still saddening to be away from them. So, here we are, back at it again! Which HOPEFULLY, your host will be continuously, actively, be at it again. 

I’ve always believed that there’s reason to everything that’s happening. And you know what makes me keep on going in spite of knowing that? It’s that I always choose the best realistically optimistic possible reason why something like this or like that is happening. I hope you would as well! Because believe it or not, it’s always better to wake up hopeful than full of dread upon starting your day.

vivre la vie au maximum!

[thekirstenkhaye]

infinities x wormholes (FINALLY!)

FEBRUARY 06, 2017 – 08:09 PM // Monday

Okay, it’s now 08:23 pm. LOL. Pewds and Marzia got me stuck on YT for a while there. They’re too cute. Bro fist if you know them, and double bro fist if you ship them! Hihi. Anyways, we’re here now because I have something to blab about me and Gravity. Yes, this early in the year. Well I was supposed to post a Life Update before writing this, but then I really couldn’t get immense onto writing about the bigger picture yet because all I’m feeling now is the excitement of finally meeting Gravity in person. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click here. And if you have no idea what the latest deal is with us two that I posted an entire blog about, click here. If you want to know what I’ve been feeling now that there’s just 9 days left from the day of his arrival, just continue reading.

To be honest, we’re down to 4 days left now from Gravity’s arrival. There have been stuffs that had occupied me for the past days, okay. And as much as I want to write a coherent and comprehensive post about what I’ve been feeling exactly, I COULDN’T WORD IT OUT. But I’ll try my best just so I could post something and keep a written reminder that I’ve felt this way. I hope you get what I meant there. Bear with me! LOL. And here’s to me getting to post this tonight too! It’s now 05:17 pm of February 11, 2017 – Saturday.

Now let’s start reminiscing the feeling I felt when I first let myself accept the fact that I like a person that is living thousands of miles away from me. The following italized paragraphs came from my first ever blog post about us that I put out here.

E-dating is new to me but why not, right? Like and glad might develop to love and happy. I’m not sure how it works, how it should go. Do I have the right to do this or that? Do I have to be like this or that? Even the thing like, do I have to expect this or that? I’m really not sure. Does it work like how it works with dating normally? Is it considered a romantic relationship? I don’t really know. All I know.. I mean, actually I’m sure of it that gravity’s having its way to me already. And whatever are statistics and probability of falling in love with a short period of time, it is still falling all the same. Experts may say, ‘yow it’s not falling in love, it’s being infatuated’ and yeah maybe these dudes and dudettes are right, I can give them that. But yow give me a shot here to try this out. This could be not just an infatuation and prove you wrong.

He makes me happy and I don’t know what more he could make me feel. I am happy and he could make me feel something, that’s the point there. Risks are worth taking when they make you happy. I just hope I make this person happy, too, cause I know, like me, he’s also taking a risk here.

This is the last part of the post that I put out here back on March 16, 2015. It honestly feels like it’s been forever since I posted this, but at the same it does feel like it just happened yesterday sometimes. I mean, Long Distance Relationship never gets easy even though the couple have figured out already how to make their relationship work despite the distance and time difference. You know why? Well, here’s an excerpt from my second blog post about us. This was written by updating monthly of what had been happening with us, because we’ve tried to be in a relationship again. When we started E-dating back in March 2015, I called it off after a month because I wasn’t liking what I was feeling while in the relationship. It didn’t feel right for some reason. We didn’t cut our communication despite everything though, I just realized that NO, I WON’T COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE. Neither did he that’s why we had to call it off and decided to just continue talking, being each other’s friend for a couple of months. It’s been 18 months now after that few months of break and here we are, still together and finally meeting in a couple of days. How we make it work? Okay I’ll let you read now the excerpt from the second blog I posted about us to simply explain the ‘how’.

Is it still hard? Yes, it is. Am I okay with it? Yes I am. Why? Because I know all the touch itching, mind blowing, heart pounding, clenching, stomach twisting and what more poetic turbulence my body does because of this feelings I have for him is all worth it.

I came to realize, there’s really nothing wrong with being in a long distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with trusting. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. There’s nothing wrong with getting hurt. Because you know, there’s nothing wrong with loving a person. You know what I think is wrong? It’s not giving the person a chance to prove that he/she can do everything for you to make you happy despite the distance. It’s that fact of not allowing the person to be the right one because you assumed ahead that it wouldn’t work out.

I just proved for the past month that in a relationship, two people work together. It doesn’t have to be just because he’s the man, he should be the stronger of the two; it should be the both of you willing to be the strength of the other when he/she is feeling down, or just you know losing it, losing the image of why both of you are in a relationship in the first place. Because the two of you wouldn’t be in it if either of you didn’t have the strength and will to commit to begin with, and to make things work.  

 This was posted last December 19, 2015. After I posted this blog post, everything went smoothly fine. Of course, there were the highs and the lows. There were times that we talked endlessly and almost every day (actually since October I think (?) of 2016, we regularly talk like every single day already which weirded me out for quite some time because I got used to us not talking all the time), yet there were also times when we skip a day or two of not talking because we don’t feel like to and had to have our solitude (it still happens but not through us having to think about it like that ourselves anymore because we now tell the other that, for example I don’t feel like talking or something came up like health issues or just something unavoidable that I have to handle first, I do always tell him now about it first before going MIA because well, he now does the same thing) and of course arguments wouldn’t be out of the picture. We do argue about things but I guess what’s great about us now is that we don’t end our conversation without meeting in the middle. We argue but through these arguments, we learned how to understand each other better because we always try to understand each other’s points of view if they are not in the same page. Actually, we get to talk sometimes how similar we both are in so many ways but are also different in some aspects. And during this kind of talk that we have like every month is when we get to appreciate each other’s presence in our lives more. Because, isn’t it nice to be reminded that when you’re in doubt about yourself or about something or just with life in general, there could always be that someone you can turn to who will listen and understand you but at the same time tells you what you need to hear and not what you only want to? He’s not just my lover now, he’s also my best friend.

Frankly if we’re just going to talk about us and our relationship, I can say that everything is great. I have nothing to complain about and I’m just simply thankful that God had let me finally know him and live this life with each other in our lives. But of course, there’s always the bigger picture. Our families have approved of our relationship already so there’s no problem with that anymore. What’s sad here is that I’m a Filipina and he’s Canadian. Interracial relationship is supposed to be not a huge deal anymore but here in the Philippines, there’s this stigma that you have to deal with when you’re a Filipina and dating a non-Filipino guy. This bothers me so much because my emotions are sensitive, I’m a very sensitive one even though I might act like I don’t give a damn in person. Things just get easily into my head and I hate when that happens. For one, my insecurities eat me up. And most importantly, is that I could end up not enjoying what I am supposed to enjoy and be happy about. To make it simple, my anxiety gets the better of me.

I’ve actually talked about this with Gravity already and he of course thinks how absurd the stigma is because he of all knows how much I work hard to have my own money. He knows all my goals and why I decide for things to be done in a certain way that he needs to respect and understand. There are things (Nothing nasty alright? I know how Filipino brains work so spare me with any BS) that he had proposed to me this whole time but I always tell him that I have to get shits done myself first. Of course, I won’t ever turn down a marriage proposal. LOL. Hello? I’m not an idiot, I just want my dignity and principles intact. I love him and I would love to spend the rest of life with this man. Just not anytime soon though. BUT SOON.

You know what? There are so many things that I’d still want talk about here. The struggle of always getting questions like “Pinapadalahan ka niya?”, “Paano mo inakit?”, “Anong pinapakita mo?” and lately the most frequent question I get, “Bakit ikaw gagastos?” LOL. Yes, I do get questions like these and even those knowing looks because they knew I’m dating a “foreigner”. It becomes annoying, even irritating and frustrating in some way to be honest. But then again, both of us (and some people that are very close to us) know anyway how things really are going between the two of us. So just thinking about the fact that he accepts me despite my physical disability, he understands all my principles in life, he supports me with all my goals and passions and you know just knowing every day that he chooses me—all the negative feeling just fades away. And yes, you can call it LOVE now if you’re not sceptical about us anymore.

ADVANCE HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE! ♡

[thekirstenkhaye]

Thank you, 2018. NEXT!

Ari, I’m sorry. Just trying to be punny there.

Peace y’all! Hope that didn’t get to shoo you away from reading this entry. Bear with me, please. I just really suck when it comes to my intros. Now let’s move on, eh? NAKA MOVE ON NGA AKO EH, kayo pa kaya?

Kirsten, ENOUGH.

K, let’s do this 😊

This entry will be full-packed of stories, facts and reflections from how this year had been. You know why? Well, I may not have been updating that much on my social media accounts anymore of all the things that have had happened this past year, but I swear to G! This year has probably been the MOST EVENTFUL year that I’ve had thus far. Of course, when I suffered from that ruptured AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation) in my brain and tried to recover from it on the years 2013-2014 will never be irreplaceable on being a major turning point in my life. However, if we’ll talk about on actually living life, 2018 has been one heck of a kind of roller coaster ride, living life to the fullest and a fckload of growing up.

So, let’s start. Shall we?

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye

PS: I know I didn’t talk about some other stuff that you might be expecting I would talk about. I will. I will, okay? Just saving it for a different entry, just so I’d be motivated to use my laptop and start writing my thoughts out again, than bottling them up and just forcing myself to not mind them that much because it would just be too much. So, just STAY TUNED, I guess. And do come back again, if you’re a new visitor. Have a happy New Year! 😊

[thekirstenkhaye]

ALL THE LATEST

It’s been awhile.

And yes, I started with that sentence again. I’m sorry, okay? I mean, if there’s even anyone out there that I need to say sorry with because I haven’t posted anything on here for half a year. Well I guess that’s myself first of all. LOL. So, I’m so sorry, self. I let you down again on this part of your life that I didn’t really get to paid attention for for half a year.

Anyways, enough with that lousy intro and let’s head on to the explaining part of why I haven’t got to post anything anymore after the letter that I wrote for My 50-year-old self.

It started late last year. I guess it’s around August, after I won the title of Ms. PWD Olongapo 2017. Yes folks, your girl joined a contest like that. It was like a search for an ambassador and ambassadress of the People with Disabilities in our town. And apparently your girl got to bring home the crown. I mean, who would’ve thought, right? Hihi. I have had been occupied with public volunteering in regards to PWD stuff since early 2017 actually; March 2017 to be exact, since I got my PWD ID from our local government.

In fact I can post a more thorough blog about this topic if anyone would like me to do that. Or you know what, just wait for it. I’ll make sure I’ll get it in line on my drafts because I know this is important for people to know. Especially for every PWD out there in this country. I got your backs on that, folks! I’ll post something on NDPR (National Disability Prevention and Rehabilitation) Week, this July 2018.

Hence it just continued from there until as I said, won that title in July – a day after my birthday.

You’d actually notice my inactivity online right after that happening because I’ve been doing things already (that is outside my bubble) that revolves around bettering myself, more. But this time, I did it with a very dignified thought that I can do anything that I want to do if I will work on it. Now this became the reason of how I got a job. A job that I actually still have now. Cool, right?

On the other hand though, before we talk about my job, there’s something that also happened in 2017 that I didn’t really talk about online. And it’s the fact that I GOT ENGAGED.

Yes again folks! Your girl is engaged – has been engaged for over a year now actually. That’s why during the later months of 2017 to early 2018, wedding preparations have made me busy too. We were supposed to tie the knot last June, like first week of June this year. But you know, things happen and we need to be a grown up couple handling it; to I guess prove ourselves at least that we really are mature (individually and as a couple) enough to be engaged in the first place. But yeah, long story short, the wedding plans got postponed. No worries, though, it’s all for the good reasons. I’ll just talk about this more in a whole different post wherein I‘ll just talk solely about Gravity and I’s relationship. This one is about me, just me. So let’s move on from that. For now. HEHE.

For the meantime, let’s go back on talking about my job now that I got late September last year. It’s nothing big, nothing fancy, but it definitely makes me feel less of a person that’s nothing or I guess let’s say, I don’t feel like I’m left behind already from everyone. It made me feel like I’m worth something as a 20’s-year-old person. You know, the typical, ‘YASSS, I HAVE A JOB, I’M EARNING SOMETHING, I HAVE MONEY IN MY HANDS THAT I WORKED HARD FOR’. But I have to be honest, the salary that I get from the job is very minimal. Although, well, it’s still something. Sometimes it’s nice to have something than nothing at all. And yes, I won’t say here yet what job it is. Because just like the lovelife thingy, I will be posting a different blog about my job on my anniversary of working there. So! I’ll just leave this here.

Moreover..

As a result of the postponed wedding, Gravity’s visit here in the country just became a month long vacation. And it was one heck of a vacation, folks! If you are following me on Instagram, you’ll know how much of a princess this girl had become while he was here. It was so surreal. It was so nice to finally get to see him again for one. Also, it’s even nicer that that he stayed for more than just a week this time around. Hence it gave us a chance to get to know more of each other’s personalities. Because of this vacation that he had from May – June, it made us stronger than ever. As he said, and I quote, “If there’s anything this vacation did to us, it made us stronger. And you are my best friend, I want you know that and I’ll always care for you…” and so on and so on. HAHA. I’ll keep everything to us already. And yes, that made me feel like I got best friend zoned when he said that, but you know what? To be honest, I’d rather love my best friend who cares so much about me that he won’t ever give me choco-lies when I need to taste the bitter-truth of life. And yeah, there’s so much to talk about his visit I guess so I’ll just do that more on that different post together with the postponed wedding topic.

Now that we’re done with all the explaining and filling up on the times that I didn’t get to post anything on my blog. Let’s now proceed to my plans on this space. Yes, I do have a definite plans now. And no, it’s not about being a full on blogger mode. NOPE, DEFINITELY NOT. I think I’ve stressed enough on my previous posts that I do have this blog just to have an outlet. So yeah, just putting that out there again. Now going back to the plans, I’m thinking of changing the timeline on my blog. Like instead of solely depending on the year, for example, 2018, I want this blog to focus on the year of my life. The year I’ve lived on earth. Thus it’ll be like, this month, it’ll be the month of my 23rd year already, so that’s when we’ll start a different year here on my blog. Which, if ever I’ll have new things that I would want in the near future to add up here, I will do it on the next year of my life; meaning we’ll have a happy new year on my birthday, July 19 and not January.

Other than that, I have few more new stuff that I would like to share on here. For example, I’m starting a bullet journal already so, instead of just having that physically, we’ll also have that here on my blog – the templates I’m gonna use, the trackers and all that jazz. But I don’t think I can do that updating full on here already since I’m just starting on getting a hang on journaling.

I won’t be putting everything that might come out on this blog after my 23rd birthday yet. But let’s all cross our fingers though that I will get the time to do this again. Because I super dooper uber miss writing my thoughts out.

Now, I can breathe freely again. Wooh! That was such a relief, a breather or however you wanna call it. I feel so good right now. I hope you all are doing just as fine too. ‘Til next time…

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!

                         ~Kaye

PS: I’ll be incorporating some photos in this post soon. Just wait for it. This has been sitting on my drafts for way too long already and I don’t want it to get stuck just because I can’t produce the photos that I want to go with the words I’ve written.  So for now, I hope you enjoyed that read :)

[thekirstenkhaye]

infinities x wormholes (what’s beyond?)

It’s almost June, eh? And I just decided to write now about this event of my life that happened 3 months ago. Sorry, okay? I thought it would be easy to sit down and write everything that I was feeling right after he left. Apparently, it’s not that easy. One thing’s sure though, I am very excited of what’s more there beyond, now that we’ve finally got to meet each other.

Now that you’re reading this part, it means you’re interested to know more, yeah? I guess, it’ll be perfect to have some story time on how we met and how this relationship all started. If you’re a regular reader, you would know how rocky this had been. Not that it’s worth a drama series kind of rocky road though, it wasn’t just that smooth of a ride. Anyhow, if you came from Instagram and just read my blog for the first time from a link there, welcome to Lifenigma and this is how I met Gravity…

Yes, his name here is Gravity, and if you know his real name then just keep it to yourself. I know it, you know it, that’s enough. But here, he is Gravity. Why the nickname? Because no matter how cliché it may sound he has this kind of pull that kept the broken parts of myself that I fixed in their right places intact and together. And I guess, the most important thing that he does is keeping me grounded. When life knocked me down, I’ve kept myself busy learning, no matter what and how, I fed myself with knowledge and wisdom that I never thought I’d ever learn nor stumble upon if 2013 summer shits didn’t happen. Anyway, because of all these new found knowledge, my confidence also shoot up and thanks to him, there are things that I still learned about being responsible with the power of knowledge that I gained. If I even made sense there. LOL.

Gravity always tell me how lucky he is to have found me but quite frankly, it may not seem that I feel so lucky and thankful that I’ve found him too, but I am since that night I replied to him and continued our conversation up until now that I am writing this. And I’m sure that I’ll always be for the rest of my life.

Okay I won’t take this any longer, here’s how we met and knew each other. If you already know the story, I guess it’s just up to you now if you would still read what I’ll be sharing on here. I’m sure I’ve been so cryptic on my first post about us and how on earth we knew each other, it was all just about how I was feeling because I was starting to like him and all those jazz. Read it here if you want to know how cringey I was then. LMAO. In total, I’ve only posted 3 full blog posts (excluding this one) that’s just talking about Gravity and I. So, how did we really meet?

It’s kind of typical, I think? How would a Filipina get to meet a Canadian other than the stereotypical working in a bar? Meeting them on the internet. Yes, and that’s how we met. Do you know Omegle? If yes, then high five! If not, it’s a website where you can talk to anyone and both of you will be totally strangers. You won’t be able to choose who you would get to talk to because the site will be the one to pick a stranger for you. What you can only do there to control who you would be able to talk to is to put your interests or what topics you would want to talk about that moment then the site will look for a random stranger with the same interests for you. For me, it’s actually a nice site especially if you just want someone to talk to because you can fake your name and every personal shit about yourself if you want to. Best thing? You won’t need an account, so you won’t have a username or some shit like that, all you have to do is go to the site of Omegle and boom you can choose if you want to talk with certain topics you want to talk about or if you want to video chat some stranger, it’s all up to you. I almost forgot, there’s also an option if you just want to talk through pure chat or through a video chat. So that’s where we met.

Now of course you would want to know specifics…

Text or Video? Text. Duh, I was just bored and I wanted someone to talk to that time. He knows this so yeah, no big deal. :P

Interests/Topics I put? Books and Music. What topic did we match? Music.

Did we introduced ourselves ahead with our real name? Nope. Age? Nope. Location? And NOPE.

How long did our conversation on Omegle last? About an hour or so I think. I’m sure though that it’s quite long. And it was my first time to talk to someone with so much sense that we actually lasted so long talking without having to pause and think for another topic or something to make the conversation longer.

First, I don’t think we actually talked about music so much before our main topic got so long that we just clicked, I think? What’s the main topic? Political views, I guess if I can remember it right. LOL. I’ll ask him once he got to read this and if he can remember and it wasn’t our political views then I’ll just edit this part to the right one. Hehe. Second, yes, we didn’t introduce ourselves with our true identity on Omegle. Why? Simple, it’s not safe and after all it was just a past time. And apparently, we were just doing the same thing hence we both didn’t give our true name, age and location to each other. Now if you would ask how we knew we’re both lying to each other with all those things? It was when we were already exchanging our Skype usernames. And that’s how it all started.

Since that night (March 9, 2015), we just continued on talking, sharing different knowledge that we both have to each other. I must say that we aren’t really into the same things, but somehow, day after day, we’re like piecing every puzzle piece together and they fit in just right.

I know you’ll be curious when did he get to see me? It took a whole week for me to do that I think? I was shy, okay? My face was full of acne those times and my hair was growing from my very short bob cut. But yeah, when we started talking on Skype, I already saw his face. He had this luscious long brown hair looking so cute that the people in the house gushed how he looked like Leonardo De Caprio for some reason. Yes, I know, they’re overreacting. LOL. I did tell him though that I never saw him that way. However he was indeed really cute, that’s for sure. I still even have copies of print screens of how he looked like those time.

Okay, let’s move on. Story time is over or this will be a whole novel of just me talking about our early days. Haha.  

So, before Gravity’s arrival I’ve posted 2 full blogs about us after the very first entry. One was when we got back together, and if you want to know more about that, you can read that here. And the most recent was my feelings and whatnot about him finally visiting me and if you want to read about that, you can check it out here. Now, how do I feel that I finally met him in person and spent time with him?

I’m thankful.

That’s how I can only sum it all up unpoetically. You know, it wasn’t just happy. It wasn’t just nerve wracking. It wasn’t just scary. And definitely not an experience I’d ever regret. It was everything that I have expected to feel like because that’s how a normal relationship should go. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, that’s for sure. We argued for a couple of times. But that’s normal. As I said, we’re two different individuals hence we have two different opinions at some point that’s why it needed to be discussed upon. You know, weighing our differences and for me that experience was actually a great thing. During the moment, of course I was nervous, I was scared even at some point but eventually when I already got to tell him my side, everything just goes back to being okay and we’ll be on the same page again. I always say this on Twitter and I think it’s time to say it here now since I’m very sure of it already.

COMMUNICATION is the most important factor of any kind of relationship. And while communicating is a must, we should also know how to APPRECIATE. Even the simplest things like giving compliments or simply giving time and effort to message each other. It really goes a long way. COMMUNICATE and APPRECIATE, for me these are the key ingredients to make a relationship work, especially with Long Distance Relationship. Because I know for a fact how easy it is to think of all the what ifs when you don’t get a message or if your partner feels like getting cold on you, oh God knows how easy it is to just get pissed off and be done on handling those kind of treatments especially for girls when our hormones are fucking with our emotions. I think it’s already a common thing to talk about mood swings of girls when they have their period, but I don’t think it’s been talked enough how girls have these bitches in their heads no matter how much they don’t want them messing in there about paranoia and trust issues. It’s weird and wicked and sad but it’s true that it’s in girl’s nature to just easily think of the worse plausible scenario when things are not going the way they want it to be. And honestly, dealing with those bitches in my head is what has been giving me a hard time on being in a Long Distance Relationship. After Gravity’s visit, it became harder to just brush them off in my head when they started kicking in. Hence, I remind myself every single day how important it is to just communicate with him especially during the times when something is really bothering me. He listens and talks to me about it with what he really thinks of what I told him, and for me, that’s worth loads of appreciation because it means both of you are working things out. Being in a relationship is a two seater ride after all where both of you are the navigators that have to be teaming up to reach the destination you both planned on going.

Did I just sound preachy there? I hope not. But yeah, it would be nice though if I actually made sense with what I just said. I mean, our relationship is not perfect but we’re working it out perfectly in my opinion. It’s always nice to wake up every morning with something to look forward to because you know that there’s so much more and you’ll be there when it’s time. Also it’s a wonderful feeling that the word IF is barely being used anymore because most of them have been replaced to WHEN already. :)

By the way if you are here because of The Right Man Will Love Everything the Wrong Man Walked Away From by Rania Naim via @thoughtcatalog — it is linked on the title, just click on it and you’ll be redirected to its page. Sorry if I let you read my love story and all my probably unwanted opinion about relationships, Long Distance relationships at that. But I do hope you enjoyed what you’ve read though. 

Always remember, love is precious. And being in a relationship may not be easy at times but it’s simple. That’s just for me anyway because that’s what I always say to myself even in terms of living life in general.

[thekirstenkhaye]

LIFE UPDATE: Year, Two Thousand Seventeen

What a year it has been already. It is now April 5th (in my notes on my phone) but actually I’m encoding this now using my laptop on the 7th of April. The first three months have indeed flew by so fast. Well, technically, not that fast but basically by just how things have felt, day after day slipping by my fingers for the past months, it surely did feel like it.

Actually it’s now 28th of April that I’m continuing this. Things have had happened and they all felt like they weren’t in my control. That was probably why I’ve been feeling like I couldn’t keep up with everything and get that time to sit and write down my thoughts about the things that have happened so far. It was a lot but let me try now, in this post to tell it all in a form of explanation yet also thoroughly constructed blog.

It honestly started last year when the job that I had where I was getting my income those days. It wasn’t really a job I must say. I just got lucky I guess? I found this group’s post on Facebook last year that says I could get $25 per week without doing anything. All I have to do was have a Facebook account. Which I obviously have. It wasn’t illegal by the way, and I seriously didn’t do anything anymore after they’ve set up what they needed on my account. I indeed got $15 instantly after the set up and another 15 after the second step then the weekly $25 came by for around 4 weeks. On the last week that I got $25, it was the week that I got this interview for the job that my aunt told me about wherein I did apply for. If you want to know more about that experience, you can read that here. So with that at hand during that week, I didn’t get to go online that much to check my e-mails and such hence I’ve read the e-mail of that group to me on a Friday which was their last working day. I contacted them ahead after knowing that there was a problem. We tried solving it, but I was too late, Facebook had blocked the only thing that was giving me some money those times that came from me, from my own perseverance to earn. I was so pissed off that time because it wasn’t even illegal, it wasn’t something that could make the users of Facebook feel bad or something. It was just pure business. But of course Facebook has its way to fuck up others so they said it’s for my account’s safety. How will I argue with that? So that happened, and to make it worse, the company who told me that they would still give me a job even if I wouldn’t pass the recording, didn’t contact me anymore. Not even a text or just e-mail that says, SORRY I WAS JUST LYING. Just kidding, but you know what I’m talking about. It’s not like that company was huge anyway.

Sooooo there’s that.

Those happened during the latter months of September and early weeks of October 2016. If those didn’t happen, those times would’ve been the times that I’d be so hyped with anything already since the Christmas season was just around the corner. But then again, I guess that was the trigger of me going back to my depressed state again. Oh and before I forgot, I also had a seizure attack before all of those happened. So the dosage of meds that I needed to take went higher. My anxiety wasn’t on its worse state after the seizure attack because I’m sure it was because I was proving to everybody that I was fine. That I was good, I was okay, I could have a job despite my condition, I just needed to discipline myself and take my meds on time. And yet after the seizure, the optimism in me started to get eaten up by my anxiety because of the things that have had been happening with the jobs that I thought would let me get to help my father to finance the list of medicine that I need. Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder started to get more noticeable for me because I know them, I’ve read about them. With that in my mind, my anxiety just got more into me until I said to my aunt that I was living with those times that maybe it would be better if I’ll just stay at Sta. Monica (where my father and some relatives on my father side live) since I couldn’t take the guilt too already that she still had to think of me also every time she goes out of the house. I didn’t tell her that though. To make it simple, the family that I was staying with at the city had trauma too after my attack because it happened inside the C.R. when I was alone taking a dump so obviously the door would be locked. I got to shout before I got unconscious that’s why my aunt’s mom (who was luckily there when it happened) got to hear me and tried her best to open the door because I wasn’t responding already. Couldn’t blame them though. Long story short, I went back to Sta. Monica just to make sure there’d be people that will be around to look after me no matter what happens. Still sucks, but can’t do anything about it since my anxiety is still there in my head, making my insomnia worse. Speaking of anxiety, when I went back here in Sta. Monica, I thought I’d be fine already. I’d feel safer, hence the anxiety attacks I had (which were like one of the worse times of my life) scared the hell out of me that I had to ask my father if we could ask my neuro doctor already for sleeping pills or something. Because the first severe anxiety attack I had when I went back here, I had to wake my cousin (we sleep in the same room) up in the middle of the night because I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t breathe properly and I just couldn’t feel my body at all anymore. She had to wake up our aunts and my father to ask what to do. And when I saw them, I just cried and cried and cried and yeah. It’s just the worse feeling ever. I have two types of meds now that I’m taking to prevent them and also to make me sleep faster and better. It helps, yes. But with the sleeping part, mostly not.

Dealing with my health happened that’s why I got really spaced out from looking for a time to sit, write a blog and post on here. And while those were all happening from November to January, one of my cousins decided to get married on December (which I also helped out to organize; I did some stuff for her bachelorette party and their invitation for the wedding), my grandmother (mom’s side) decided to spend her Christmas here in the Philippines and to top all of that, Gravity confirmed his visit here on February (you all know that by now if you’re updated on my Instagram or if you’ve read this blog post). Before we all forget though, I had my dreamtag last year which was visiting cafés. So the pending posts of my reviews for the cafés I visited before all those things happened were also in my mind. Little by little, I was adding parts of the dreamtag blogs that I did get to post in a span of 6 months. I think, I only got to write that very short blog about Gravity visiting me was only because I really want to keep a memory of what I was really feeling before I meet him in person. I’m glad that I got to do it actually even though it was one heck of a time. I was seriously struggling to finish that blog because I couldn’t really focus much — anxiety was a bitch, still is for me.

Christmas was fine. I got photos posted during those times on my Facebook and also some on Instagram. I was seriously not in a festive mode during the holidays that’s for sure. I did try to have fun though. As much as I could. Oh and how life loves mocking me, guess what happened on New Year? I got high fever right before we had to go to the church and do the pre-celebration party. There I was, had to stay behind to snuggle in a blanket, shivering and trying not to get everyone worried when I was having an anxiety attack. I called my father up to the room to get me my pills for anxiety though. The rest of January went by too fast because of Gravity’s visit. I think I’ve spent most of my time, if not getting rid of my anxiety, finishing my last dreamtag blog post and writing down what I’ve been feeling while counting down the days until Gravity’s arrival, I was just being depressed.

Depression fades (it doesn’t entirely goes away, it just fades) from me feeling it when I try hard to put myself out there and do something productive. They helped a lot. Seriously a lot, especially last year when I started my dreamtag. But then it just started coming back when I stopped visiting cafés. You know those times when you can tell by your mind that you’re just thinking that you should be happy because some great things are happening in your life but then if you’re done making every one think that you’re happy, you just feel nothing. It was that way. It still is to be honest but I guess I know the way now how to feel productive again and you know, beat the feeling of depression again. I’ve been exercising since late last year. Like my regular therapy-like exercises plus some workout routines to strengthen my body. To be honest, when I don’t get sweaty in a day because of not exercising, I do really feel awful. So yes, that’s the solution to that. For now or for a lifetime since working out is a lifestyle after all.

Now that that problem’s solved... Okay folks, let’s just be clear here. It isn’t just that easy, please understand that. It takes your own willingness to feel better to have that. You see, I guess my first paragraph above is proof enough of that. I wasn’t really sure what to write during those two dates that I first tried. Okay, you know, to be honest, I’ve tried countless times to start writing again. But I just got that fire today. And it’s not even the 28th anymore because it’s now 12:35 am. Yes it’s late. Will I end writing this tonight before I go to bed? Hmm maybe my 2016 self would. But my 2017 self is trying to be healthy and strong so I’ll just continue this later when I wake up.

04-29-17 // 10:01 pm

Yes, I write this late hence I can’t finish a blog in one sitting. I think I have to fix my mind’s schedule now. Anyway, so let’s continue?

This part will be a lighter read already. All my plans and all good things will be on this part of the blog…

First off, I went back to my sane self for quite a bit on early days of January and wrote down stuff that I have to get done this year. Numero uno on that list was to try my best on getting my laptop fixed and it was because I knew that I need to write again. This blog isn’t just because I want to be like those known bloggers out there after all. NO. Definitely not. I think I’ve said this on here countless times already that this blog is my outlet. This is like my diary. I know I don’t have regular readers, but writing my thoughts and putting all of it out here helps me a lot to feel good and complete. I need my solitude and writing. This time that I get to have so I could write my thoughts out, I wouldn’t trade this for all the updated vlogs that I could watch in my subscription list on Youtube.

Speaking of Youtube, I’ve been hooked on watching vlogs already. I think it all started when I checked Laureen Uy’s Youtube Channel last year then after that, I came across a video on Instagram which was very funny and it was a clip from one of the videos of Liza Koshy on Youtube. Because of those two women, I decided to search and learn the ins and outs about the site. Hence I made an account on Youtube and that’s so I could subscribe to these women’s channels and be updated with their videos. From that moment, the people that I am subscribed to just kept on growing day after day.

Then out of the blue after watching the vlogs of Wil Dasovich, Daniel Marsh, Casey Neistat and Pewdiepie for over a month every day, I was like ‘What if I’ll just vlog? It’ll be much easier than writing all these words out of my head?’ Well obviously, that thought didn’t work out. I still like the idea though and some of my friends back in high school know how much I love recording videos and editing them to make them this one piece of film to remember the good times. I’d still do it somehow though but I wouldn’t pressure myself on it anymore. I know for a fact anyway that I have a passion on it, I just have to prioritize some things as of the moment. And blogging is what I need now more than ever.

I public have playlists on there though. You can just check them out for now.

With that said, I actually have numbers of titles here on my drafts already for the next couple of blogs that will be up soon. So be excited for those if you’ve reached reading up to here. The blog about my thoughts of finally meeting Gravity will probably be up next after this. Then a different blog will be up for all the plans that I have for this year. Yes, I decided that that will be on a separate blog post already. And of course, the 2017 Dreamtag, we should not forget about that. And if time and fate would allow it, there will might be a surprise soon. Who knows? Life is full of surprises after all.

I’ll just end this post right here, I guess? :)

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!                          ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

#LifenigmaCafé Vol. 8 – Ohmar’s Cheesecake and Coffee

October 7, 2016 – it was raining that afternoon I planned on visiting this cute café two blocks away from the apartment where I was staying at during those times.

Again, just like the 7th volume of this dreamtag, this post has been long overdue since it’s been almost 3 months from the time I visited the place. Today that I am constructing this, we’re already on the last full week of January 2017; sorry about that. I promise, this will be the last overdue blog post for a dreamtag this year. After all, this will be the last volume for #LifenigmaCafé anyway. :)

If you want to read a glimpse of why I didn’t get to post this last year, click here. Now let’s proceed to the main purpose of this post…

Ohmar’s Cheesecake has been known in Olongapo for quite some time already before it had its physical store. Actually, one of my cousins only told me about this when I went to their house and asked if I was still looking for a café to visit for my blog. But when she first told me about it, I was planning to visit other cafés already so I haven’t got to check it ahead. Thinking about it now, I guess that wasn’t so bad for me to do back then, you know. Because if I had checked it the first time my cousin suggested it, the physical store wouldn’t have been operating yet hence it’ll just end the same way—me looking for a different café to visit. However, after going to Hugot Burger last year on September, the same cousin of mine suggested again this place. Thus, I said Okay, give me a link so I can look ahead of what this café is all about. Of course I’ll have to do that first so I would know what I can write about, what I should expect or you know, just to make sure that it has something different with it from the places I’ve visited before.

Once I’ve had looked through Ohmar’s facebook page, I instantly decided that it should be my last volume because they’re pretty known already so I thought that it’ll be easier to write something about it because I thought they would prove all the reviews right anyway. Other than that, I loved how they have a tag line and it was a great one. Right there and then it was fixed, I told my cousin who suggested it that we’ll visit the place, and I’ll just call her when that would be. But it hadn’t even been after a week yet of my confirmation to my cousin, I’ve had been seeing my friends from Olongapo posting about it already. It was booming so much that I was just like, oh fuck it, I’ll just go and blog about it already while it’s still hot on trend. Because duh? It might gain me readers, you know. I wanted that to happen during those days because the previous establishments I’ve visited had noticed me and was inviting me and all that to their expansion day or something like when they have something new in their menu. That was pretty crazy and it was fun, okay? So I just went with it. Strike while the iron is hot, right?

I told my cousin we’ll go on Friday if she’s free that day because I sent a message to Ohmar’s page already before deciding for a day to go. I asked what would be the ideal time to go when there wouldn’t be much customers yet. I love my solitary moments, alright? LOL. Okay, going back. They replied ahead—very responsive so that’s a plus point! They told me that it should be by morning when they’ve just opened for the day. When they told me that it should be that early, I realized shit would they be available that early? I asked one more cousin of mine to go with us so that was the dilemma so I told them about it and asked what day would they be available that kind of time. So that’s where the Friday came up. So, did I go early?

I did not do just that. LOL. Of course, the procrastinator that is me thought it’s okay, it’ll be fine, it’ll work if we will go by afternoon. Okay, but can I just give that it was raining endlessly that day as an excuse? No? Okay, whatever. Haha. But yeah, that’s what happened. It wasn’t so packed with customers, though so it still worked when we got there. I got to take decent photos at least without other people ruining the view (lol sorry, that’s so mean of me). What got me a bit shy (and so very conscious) was when I told them that I was the one who messaged them, about having to take photos hence asked the time when people are less. Because since then, Miss Daisy and Sir Ohmar told me that they were waiting for me and told me the story of how they assumed one customer for me because that person came early. Oh gosh, that was such a facepalm-ing moment. What’s more embarrassing there was that, I planned to bring a DSLR camera that day but I ended up taking pictures using my phone (it’s only iPhone 5s so I’m sorry with the photos’ quality) because my cousin (the son of my uncle who owns the camera I was supposed to use) decided to use it on the same day. So you know, it was just soo awkward and weird, and so embarrassing taking pictures with strangers around looking at you adjusting, taking photos when I was just using a phone. You know that thinking of people nowadays when you want an aesthetic shot of your photos, they’d instantly comment with “ayy blogger” like can’t they just shut up and mind their own business by not looking my way. LOL kidding. But yeah, somehow that’s how I felt.

These are the lovely couple who owns Ohmar’s Cheesecake and Coffee, Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Ohmar Garcia.

I guess that was too much blabs pre-tasting what’s on their menu. Now let’s move on to what we ordered, shall we?

DISCLAIMER: I haven’t had faced my peculiar intolerance for cheese that day yet, so I wouldn’t really go in depth commenting with how their cheesecakes are, okay? Although of course before I even went to this place I’ve loved Blueberry Cheesecake already because (who doesn’t in the first place? Lol) we’ve been making it at home so that’s the only taste of cheesecake I know. Alright? And again, I must remind you, I am not a professional blogger, so don’t think I’m a food blogger. I just explore, discover and blog the things I want to share about my experiences in life. Okay? Are we clear here now? If you get what this disclaimer meant already, you can now continue reading. :)

Cheesecake ala Mode – Php 100.00

This is probably my favorite because it has 2 scoops of ice cream on it. I mean, yeah, okay the other cheesecakes didn’t taste bad, but this one really stood out. I wouldn’t ever complain for its price. I honestly couldn’t say anything more because everything in this place balanced each other out. 

Yema Cheesecake (miniature) – Php 50. 00

If you’ve been reading the #LifenigmaCafe tag from the beginning, you’d know that I am not really into sweets that much. Unless of course if I am in the mood to feed my diabetic genes and risk my body to the possibility of me having diabetes. Living life gets tiring for me sometimes, yes, I won’t deny that. But I am passionate about living life and proving the entire world that whatever life throws at me, I’ll make it through to the next day. So, I still watch my health as much as possible. We all have to in the first place. So yes, this cheesecake was okay. Nothing really tasted bad. It’s just I wasn’t really into sweets that time, plus well, there was a grated cheese on top so that was kinda… my cousins liked it though so I guess that says something more than how my irritating picky taste buds reacted.

Blueberry and Oreo Cheesecakes (miniature) – Php 50.00/each

I bought these to bring home for my cousins and aunt that I lived with that time at the apartment. They loved it, they actually visit the store from time to time now when they get the cravings for cheesecake since it’s just two blocks away. One thing I like about this is there packaging for the take-outs. I’d say it’s bad for the environment since it’s plastic (gotta take care of mother nature you know) but then I couldn’t really think of a better alternative for it. Probably a carton pack would do? But either way, since I still couldn’t think of a better stuff to suggest about that as of the moment, I’d say that I was impressed with the take-out box because they made it so handy for their customers to bring home. So kudos to that!

Mixed Berries – Php 110.00

I loved this so much. If I ever go back to the place, I’d still probably get this and partner it with some lightweight cheesecake. The flavors of the berries are just so on point. If I wasn’t already full from tasting everything we ordered I would definitely have had emptied my bowl too. That’s one thing I loved about it actually! They put it in a bowl. It’s unique, you’ll know it’s a different type of beverage because it was put in a different container.

I ordered 3 different things for our beverages. Only my order is all I could remember the name of so just click here for their full menu. Actually I just figured that the photo I linked through the phrase on the previous sentence for the menu board don’t show their entire menu so if you want to know the prices and all, just head onto their FB page and message them there. The two photos above are the ones that I couldn’t remember the name of. Sadly I also forgot where I’ve put the receipt I asked from them so I couldn’t really figure out what the names of those are. My cousins loved them though.

We didn’t get to empty everything out (aside from the cheesecake ala mode because I destroyed that, I can’t not do it, it was amazing) maybe because all we ordered were very sweet and they all didn’t balance much. Maybe if we ordered hot coffee too instead of all lattes and a shake, there’ll be a possibility that we’d get them all done. Besides, it was also raining that time so it’s kind of weird to be honest to eat and drink all we’ve got. If it wasn’t for all those excuses, we’d surely get them all cleanly finished. They all tasted great, their serving were great too. There’s really nothing bad that I can say with what they offer from the kitchen. I’d very much want to try their hot coffee though. I’d probably go there with Gravity on Februaury because yayy we’ll finally get to see each other in person and it’ll be on the love month. And I mean, where else should I bring him at, right? Of course I’d love to drink coffee and eat sweets in an establishment that promotes love more than anywhere else.

The atmosphere inside the place was superb too, though. But I don’t think it would be the same if the place was packed. I’m just glad that when we went there, it wasn’t that packed with people, or else I’d probably have a bad review about it. Speaking of the things I didn’t very much appreciate about the place, it’s probably the chairs. I mean, alright, don’t come at me, okay? The interior design was outstanding! No doubt about that. I love the quotes on the walls. It was well matched with the theme they’re going at. I love the color combination. The lighting was great too but having more natural lighting would’ve been much better, nonetheless everything is great. It’s just, this is only for me, okay? In my perspective, I don’t think I could be comfortable sitting alone in that place. Especially because you wouldn’t get to lean your back when using their chairs. The high chairs were cool, yeah. But if you would want to read a book or do something on your laptop there, the chairs won’t add up for anyone to be comfortable. Ohmar’s Cheesecake can compete against Starbucks and Coffee Bean, okay. That’s all I wanted to say. They could be that big. But those store have so much comfortable ambiance, even the new Seattle’s Best in SM has the same ambiance. And with almost the same prices of products to offer? If I am a consumer, especially for someone like me that could spend hours in a café reading a book while ordering stuffs once I finished my initial order, even though I love what Ohmar’s can offer me than those mainstream cafes could I’d probably still choose to go to them because I can do anything I want and stay as much as I want there even though they get packed with people. You know why? It’s because I am comfortable, I wouldn’t get anxious about the people waiting for me to get off of my seat. That’s the only problem I have with Ohmar’s Cheesecake, I guess. But if they get that all worked out. It’ll be haven of love.

This is their tagline that I was talking about up there n the first part. Isn’t it great? 

I decided to finish writing and post the last two cafe reviews from where I went to last year for my dreamtag because of this place’s tagline. I love living life, I love experiencing things and share them to other people through this personal blog of mine, and when I saw my post on Instagram from the day I went here while browsing through my profile, I remembered why I started my dreamtag. And this is what I love more than anything else about Ohmar’s, their tagline reflects from the couple. Once you are in the store and you get to talk to these two, you’d feel the love of them for each other radiating and you wouldn’t get to help but feel giddy for them and be like, “ Oooh they’re so lovely” and you know, just believe that what you are going to get from them are really made with love. And I think that’s the best thing about Ohmar’s Cheesecake. It’s not just business for them, it’s shows you that it’s their passion. 

As I said on my post last year on Instagram when I went here: Even on a rainy day, a dream will still be a dream if you do everything for it to come true. 

So just go for what you want to do in life, never give up. Setbacks are normal, but you just have to keep on going. 

Keep enjoying small grabs, and making big memories!

    ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

LIFE UPDATE: Transcendent

September 30, 2016

I know I just posted last month for a Life Update, but it’s September and you know I am supposed to update 4x a year, right? And September is one of those four last days of the months that I said I would be updating. Besides, I promised last update that I’d be on track with this. So now, here I am typing, composing a new entry.

[By the way, this will probably be posted on the first or second week of October though but you have my word when I say I am actually doing this during the day I have put up there.]

I know it’s only been a month, but who said one month is such a short time for things to happen? Now shall we? :)

Yes, guys. Perhaps now that it’s the third entry for my Life Update, you have probably noticed that I put effort on doing like a photo shoot for Fashion Blog entries? And if you haven’t. LOL. I think I can’t blame you with that. It’s not like I actually have a photographer and are using a professional camera on my photos. After all, I’m just trying to do what these fashion bloggers do for the sake of my own entertainment.

Since we’re already speaking about cameras and who takes my photos, I guess it’s time for me to share that I only use a smartphone in taking all my photos — on Instagram and also here on my blog apparently. 

Before the month of September came this year, I’ve been using my Blackberry Z10 smartphone. But by September, I started using my iPhone 5s smartphone that my uncle gave me out of nowhere. I’m not really sure why but still, I am of course grateful. He’s been like my sponsor when it comes to having a phone in my hands to use since 2010. Because believe it or not, all my phones (other than this one cheap Samsung phone I bought for security purposes back in college) that I used and currently using were all given by him. SO IMMA GIVE A BIG SHOUTOT TO MY UNCLE DEAREST THAT HAS BEEN EVER SO GENEROUS WITH PHONES SINCE 2010! Hehe. And if we’re talking about who takes my photos, well that’s easy breezy. You know just whoever was around that I wouldn’t get very conscious of doing the poses I had in mind and asking to do what I say on how I wanted the photos should turn out. And that’s only with photos that of course show my whole body outfit. But if they are just scenery, my feet or food on a table; I take them leisurely by myself unless I couldn’t do it alone because I have to use two hands. LOL.

Okay now. I’m not gonna lie, this part now is written on the month of October already. Things just happened so fast on the last days of September, thus my lack of focus on writing and time really to sit and jot down my thoughts – my unrelenting thoughts of all the things that happened in the past month.

I’m composing this now in my bed, using my phone (BB Z10 – always the best for writing docs whenever I don’t feel like going straight ahead on my laptop to be honest) at midnight because I’m trying to finish this before the week ends. Technically, or ideally is probably the right word, I’m rushing to finish this before Tuesday (11th of October) because I have an appointment on this potential job I might get if the fate would allow it that day.

Speaking about it, this was what happened during the last week of September. Out of nowhere I received a message from one of my aunts about a job opening. It was cray…. Although of course I asked her ahead if I could really do the job and if it would fit me. LOL. ‘Cause hello, it’s better to get a head start of what I am going to get myself into, you know. Obviously, she said yes, and I couldn’t believe it! I mean, me… having another way to help myself save money? Cray is not even a word to describe the feeling I felt. It was freaking overwhelming! I was grateful and very nervous all at the same time because the interview for the job was the day right after the night I was informed. That fast! So just imagine my clashing happiness and anxiety during the interview. To make it more overwhelming, I was utterly happy because of the same reason that was making me anxious – and it was because that was my first job interview, like ever. That was September 29. I even realized that I seriously have to buy decent pants already because of it. Looking at my wardrobe that day with only skinny jeans that are either ripped or with a bright color, I was like, “Am I really even 21 already?”

There was that. My first interview that made me realize how much of an anxious person I am, that I am prone to having an anxiety attack. It actually made me wonder how many times I probably had an attack without even noticing it because of my optimistic and jolly self. But anyway, I at least passed the interview without passing out, you know. But because of it also, I learned that my voice is too mellow and it could affect a lot with how I communicate verbally.

After that weekend, I had my second interview. And this time it was already with our client. Although I think it wasn’t my fault that I did not meet the standard of that person for not having any experience in the field of work, I still felt insecure with my voice. The term that was used when I tried doing another interview again that same day was “sobrang lambing”, and I never thought I could ever despise my low-toned voice until then.

My co-applicants had went home early that night and the others actually never came back when we’re told about the night time appointment. But me, of course I went back. I would never let loose of an opportunity in front of me just because of some unreasonable things that could put me on idle. NOT ANYMORE. I’ve learned enough in the hard way to just commit the same mistake. Thus, I stayed and continued the process. I observed, questioned about the things that caught my attention and practiced until my boss affirmed with how I was delivering the lines from the script they gave me.

At the end of the day (I actually went home at 2am), I guess perseverance does really pay off. Before I did my actual recording that night, I had a feeling that my boss was still hesitant with my delivery. But of course I didn’t let it show that I know even with this client, I also wouldn’t pass. However after couple of rounds of practice with my delivery, my boss startled me with an uncalled for interview. 

Actually it started when I told him I was an Occupational Therapy student and he was like, “So you had Psychology then, right?” I answered him truthfully and was sincerely glad that he asked something about it. Then all of a sudden he told me, “So let’s just have a proper interview now for a moment, Kirsten.” I was so shocked, all I did was nod. Then he proceeded to ask me a question that completely blew every bubble of worry collecting in my chest that night. “Do you know how to arrange files on Excel?” and the interview just went on after that while all I’ve been repeating in my head was “Thank you, Lord! I won’t mess this up anymore. I swear!”

Until now, I’m still thankful. Whatever was my boss’ real reason for that interview, I’m just thankful now that he’s seen something in me that he could trust for giving me another option if my recording wouldn’t pass. I just really hope now to be honest that he won’t change his mind about it. Fingers crossed, folks!

Yes, there’s that job now that I am so wanting to get. Because, duh, I’m already 21 years old! And I can’t just reason out the left part of my body all the time for not doing the things any 21 years old out there are doing, achieving and enjoying even. Besides, it would be a nice addition to my poor resume. And of course a great first job experience too. Hehe. Speaking of that, I at least have again my own income now. It started on the last week of August. Hence the entire month of September, every week I’ve received money. Even if it’s not that huge, though, it still makes me glad and very thankful because I’ve never done anything for it that made me sweat and wear myself out. I mean, you know, it’s still something…. than nothing at all, right?

If you’ve read my last two Life Updates, you would know that I really want to go back to school already and get a college degree. I guess this is mainly the reason why I’m getting all these opportunities to finally earn on my own so I could finally do something about it, and not just wait around for someone to take care of it for me.

I’m starting to save some now and I’m so happy about it. Also, because of this, I’m learning now how to handle money and not just spend it. I’m learning what to prioritize first, and what could count as, how will I say this, hmm probably ‘when it is right to reward myself for being productive’ are the exact words to explain my expenditure from time to time. Hihi, I’m doing well with it so far, you know so peace out!

Other than being a complete adult (thinking, acting, living and planning), I’m very proud to say that I’ve kept myself up with my Dream Tag. I’ve visited two cafés in just 1 month! Just try to think of it! After being so unmotivated to get out and live, I had this month that completely turned every unsure to sure, no to yes and why to why not?

I’m really not sure what’s with September that was so special as to why I couldn’t recall any instances that I got unproductive. September had been so good to me that I can’t make myself believe that everything happened because I made them happen, that I had chosen that right choices, that it was actually my life. I can’t help but think of being in transcendence, that it was some kind of supernatural, uncanny thing somebody was controlling somewhere out there. And honestly I don’t want it to stop that it scares me when tomorrow comes, it wouldn’t feel as good anymore but the complete opposite in the same manner of how the month of September had went by.

Oh crap, my anxiety’s creeping out of me again. Sorry about that. But still. LOL. Anyway, let’s move on to the last one — Gravity.

We’re good. There’s still that inexplicable gap but we’re so much better now than how we were 3-5 months ago. We’re communicating well with each other now too. We’re also more comfortable with each other than before that I honestly didn’t expect to still happen because from the start we’re already comfortable with each other. And yeah, I think we’re always going to be fine because we’re not just in a relationship as lovers, we’ve also managed to build a friendship that binds us tighter, making our foundation sturdier than ever. I just wish we could see each other in person already so we’d be able to know as soon as possible if this gap between us is just because of our literal distance now and not something else. I mean, the faster a problem could be solved, the better. We don’t have the #RelationshipGoals kind of thing but we do have our goals that we wanted to achieve together and that…. is more than enough for me.

Remember this because I just felt how important this is…

Using your weaknesses to make yourself stronger doesn’t mean you could be invincible. No, you wouldn’t be that, but you’re going to be resilient.

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!

                         ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

#LifenigmaCafé Vol. 6 - Meowneko Café

Because of this café, I completely lost it and actually thought about being a cat person. I mean… seriously, me, a person who never fancy being around animals. LOL. Anyways, with that being said, you all probably know now that this café affected me so much. And also, apparently so far, this café has been the best from all that I’ve visited — so far.

Don’t be deceived by the photo I used above as a cover, though. I picked it because it’s the least photo that I wouldn’t regret to destroy by putting the café name and larger watermark. As they always say, “don’t judge a book by its cover.” Hihi. :P

Now, if you want to see photos that are actually more pleasing to the eyes and get blessed with kitty cuteness while pondering how on earth I got caught under the spell of cats…

So here’s how the café looks like on the outside. When I first went to Meowneko Café, it was nearly dark outside hence the contrast of the light inside the café from the dimming light of the day on the street. I won’t lie, it’s the second time I got lost with my companions (for this venture of mine) on the street looking for this café. Thinking about it now, it was indeed my mistake because I did not keep in mind that they put it on their page that they are located near Sam’s Pizza which is one of the most known establishments to Olongaponians here in town. Because hello, were you locked inside the house your whole life to not know this place when you’re living in Olongapo? LOL. Anyway, as I was saying, we got lost because I was strictly following the said address of where it is located. I’m not sure if I’m right or not but I was seriously frustrated that time, thinking how far the address was to its exact location. Then again, if I only kept in mind that it should be near Sam’s Pizza, we wouldn’t probably have dared going back and forth between 14th street and 12th street of Fendler because we already have Sam’s as our basis.

So yes, your host got that pretty adventure she wanted that day, for just a bit while at least because when we resigned of trying to find the place on our own using the map attached on their page, I just sent them a message. And thank the heavens they replied fast enough for me to not get tired waiting and decide to just look for another place to hangout at. And that’s when I remembered about Sam’s when the reply from the message I sent told me about it.

It became easier to spot the place from that moment, of course. But still, it got me a bit disappointed at first when I went off from my cousin’s boyfriend’s motorcycle because they don’t have a signage. Even their logo at least that’s printed on a paper and taped on their glass doors. NADA. Hence in my mind, I was just like, ooohhh, hmm so this is it? hm okayyyy…

That’s the first oopsie doopsie I felt when I first went there. The place was small too by the way, in case you can’t picture that out yet in the photos above. BUT the colors they used to accentuate their ‘wooden couch’ as how I prefer to call it, and their counter and cupboards, they began to win me. Pastel colors do great with anything cutesy like cats and café. The place may be small but because of the colors they used for everything inside, it actually wouldn’t make you feel like you’re in a can, self-suffocating. On the contrary, just being inside and seeing the cats instantly shoved my disappointment away.

Then we were welcomed with their complimentary drink and cookie. There were two jars of drink seated on their counter so once you’re inside, you’d be asked what drink would you want to get. I think they will always have an iced tea as another choice, but that night we preferred for a pineapple juice. Yeah, not pineapple pen. Sorry. HAHA.

Okay let’s move on… cause that one’s so bad. Tsk. XD

My cousin for some reason didn’t like the juice drink and I have no freaking idea why because it was actually great for me. Although with the cookies, we all agreed that they were undeniably delicious. And speaking about that, I was however saddened to see that they didn’t sell cookies. Because before I forget, I knew about this café because of Pretty Baked. I love her cookies for dear life and so one day when I was craving and scanning her page if she got new flavors, I came across with her post about her cookies being sold in the café. So technically, other than visiting the cats of the café, I also was expecting to get ahold and bring home some cookies for myself. But sad to say their glass divider beside their counter was clean from anything edible to buy and take home.

The cats of the café though did really well of taking away my sadness. They were just too cute to resist – even for a person like me who doesn’t originally like cats, or any other animal for that matter. Actually no, I like one arachnid, but let me not say it here because our mind should be with the cats, right? Hehe.

As far as I can remember, I knew about this café while I was reading a book on Wattpad that has cat involvement. It was a story that forms like a campaign against bullying. That was a great read. And it was said there that cats, when they made contact with humans, they actually ease the pain, or any unwelcome feelings. Hence the more reason for life to tell me to get my ass out of bed and go to another café. And that part of the story I’ve read I guess was somehow, in a way was a fact and not just made up by its author who owns a cat.

My first visit to this café wasn’t really that long, but I did enjoy my stay. I just hope my companions did enjoy it too though. LOL. It could be a perfect dating place, you know. Because with the cute cats you could cuddle and play with, for sure all your memories there would only be happy ones.

AND YES I TORTURED AND PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION OF A THIRD WHEEL. Thanks to the cats, I didn’t curse the world for putting me and gravity on opposite sides of the world. Hehe. 

By the way, we also ordered a pasta called Carbonara and I didn’t get to take a photo of it because I was busy with the cats and talking with one of the ladies accompanying the customers with their cats, and my cousin and his boyfie was dead hungry so when I turned around and looked if the order was served, they’re devouring it already. As they told me since I’m not really a fan of that pasta, it did taste good. So sorry if I don’t have a photo but if you ever decided to visit the café and there’s Carbonara on their menu list of the day, don’t hesitate on ordering if you want one because it taste good. My cousin is sick and too meticulous with food especially with Carbonara because her brother’s girlfriend cooks it well. So once she said it’s good, expect it to be better.

My first visit cost us Php 445.00 that consisted our entrance fee (Php 120.00 x 3 = Php 360.00) and the Carbonara (Php 85.00). Albeit the disappointments I had that night, it was still a great experience I must say because that night got me to thinking of going back and actually ended up doing it.

These are the jars of juice drink that I said up there that you would be able to see sitting on their counter. I took this photo during my second visit. So as you can see, there’s still an iced tea but the other one was already an orange juice.

The small kitty snuggled there alone is Barbara. She was newly brought in the cafe when we visited and she’s still very small compared with the other cats present in the room.

So as I said up there, I got to go back to Meowneko. And believe it or not, it’s only 3 days after my first visit. 3 days, guys, I kid you not, the place was a haven that’s why. My second visit was already with my younger cousins that I live with here in the city. They enjoyed the visit too as I thought they would. Because, duh, they’re millenials and they’re the millenials who love the trend as much as I do. Not that I’m saying cat cafes are on trend, but it’s one of a kind (in fact it’s the first café that could offer you something more than café food and beverages and all that jazz about having a cozy place to hangout at in Olongapo, I think. LOL. I’m not sure if they opened first or The Birdhouse Café at Jest Camp. So yeah.) and as millenials, standing out is I think what’s considered as cool for them. Cat lover or not, as long as you are into trying something new, this is the café I’m recommending for you to try.

I’m dearly sorry, my cousins got too excited with the food when our complimentary drinks and cookies were served they instantly got their cookie and played with the cats. You can’t easily compete with younger one’s energy when you realize you’re older, you know. LOL.

We went to the café earlier than I had on my first visit. And of course, I was welcomed more warmly now that it’s my second time. I’m not sure if it’s them or it’s just the effect of the cats, really. But I swear to G! being there was like being in some sort of haven, and it just felt like nothing’s wrong with the world when you��re in that café. And since we were early, we got to play with the cats more and I think it’s probably because this time, my companions were also loving the experience too.

Now that I’m trying to remember everything that happened, I think it also helped that we were sitting on the floor beside those poles and napping areas of the cats. It’s not that they would always be there though, but it would give you an advantage to move freely if you are beside the baskets where their toys are placed; and of course get to cuddle them or take an Instagram worthy photos of them on their turf; that I must add has an awesome color combination that makes the lighting of the place create the photo you would take very ‘artsy’. LOL.

Moreover...

If you would not be situated beside their one and only low table beside the ‘wooden couch’ and you would be just there sitting yourself anywhere you wanted to on the floor, when they give you your complimentary drink and cookie, it will be served on a wooden tray that would serve as your table, too. And if you didn’t notice it up there, on the second photo of complimentary food and drinks, there’s already a post it attached on it that indicated our time in and time out. This was one of the new things that I encountered during my second visit after 3 days. I was taken aback at first when I saw it, but understood eventually what it was for. Besides I already saw the same thing from one of my friends’ post on Instagram when she visited the cafe. 

Yes, on my second visit, I made sure already that I could take a photo of the pasta we ordered. It’s your typical Spaghetti and it’s fine I think. Nothing was really special about it. I mean would you still complain if it didn’t even taste bad? LOL. I can only roll my eyes to people who would, really. Oh oh oh and what I forgot to mention with the Carbonara on my first visit, just like this dish, it also came with toasted bread.

We also ordered a milkshake. I already forgot what this is called. But if Ivy would tell me after reading this, I might edit it and add the name. Hihi. Hi Ivy! :) Anyways, this milkshake actually blew us away. Other than it has a one whole Kitkat (I think its kitkat but if not, still just imagine having that one slice of chocolate that you could eat) and chocolate pretzels (I think they were, or whatever it looked like it so again just imagine!), it also came with mashmallows overflowing with chocolate syrup..... OH HEAVENSS!!!!!! Just thinking about it again is making me drool now. And the jar it was put was so cute and not like the typical ones like on what they used with the juice , so for me that’s a plus point.

Okay... I’ve eaten my dinner and a bit calmed now from the chocolate-y imaginations of mine with the milkshake above, we can continue. Hihi.

Other than, the 1 hour and 30 minutes time sheet they attached on the first wooden tray they served to us, Treat Time was another new thing I got to experience when I visited for the second time. This is the time when Ivy will bring out cat food in a container when new customers come in. She told us that by doing this, we could easily catch the cats’ attention and with that, we could easily get them and cuddle in our arms if we wanted to. There’s a technique she would teach you so don’t worry about that particular thing with the cats.

The cats were so cute to be honest. Although I think other than because of the book I’ve read, it’s also because of Gravity why I pushed through visiting this café; he’s an animal lover. Well, his mother owns two dogs and he has this favourite dog I’ve been so accustomed to that has me wondering how it is to be an animal lover. Or at least just be one animal’s person.

I won’t deny it, I think it would still take me more than 20 visits to Meowneko for me to be naturally comfortable around cats. Or probably if someone would give me one as a pet, that’s when I would just fully say that I might turn into a cat person. Oh and by the way, in case I haven’t shared this yet on here, I’m a Katycat (Katy Perry fan) and Katy loves cats so much but see, even though she’s my queen it didn’t budge my not-into-animal-person self. I didn’t actually even try to be one. LOL. Well, I guess it’s just in my personality already that I am who I am and I wouldn’t do anything that someone I like is doing just so I could be like them or I could be more acceptable to them. I believe that we are all different from one another so if you even tried to be somebody that you are not just because of some unreasonable things, it’s like disrespecting your own self as well. And in my opinion, it’s pretty illogical to do that especially if you never wanted to be disrespected by somebody else.

They have a black (literally) board hanged on one corner wall where post its were put. These post-its are all written with customers’ thoughts about the café. I’m not sure when these were posted nor when did this café open, but I’m sure that they just started this month of September or late in August so they’re basically very new in the biz. Thus I can’t really give any more complains since they’re not trying to be like any other café in town anyway. I know that they could still improve into something big. Most especially that this café promotes a very considerable advocacy for stray animals. Your money that will be spent here would really be worth it.

If there’s anything that I love more than the cats during this visit I had in Meowneko, it’s probably to experience something that is totally out of my comfort zone. I never dislike cats, I just don’t like being around animals is all because they make me anxious for some reason especially when I’ve been into this condition of mine now. But you know, because of this experience, I started to think that maybe it’s not so bad after all to try to be somebody that was never you for a while because even though you already know who you are, there are still things that you might want to be and love to do for a moment or two. Actually if you would think more of it, this could help a lot to those people who are lost and couldn’t find themselves or haven’t found themselves yet.

There’s always something, or somewhere out there that could bring you to outer space for a moment. And if you want to find yourself, you can always go there and explore – just never forget that there’s always reality for you to go back to. However if you only want to be safe wherever you are or whoever you are with now, just be happy. That’s all you need as far as I know.

Keep enjoying small grabs, and making big memories!

       ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

#LifenigmaCafé Vol. 5 - Flavor AROMA

There’s no normal, there’s only perspective...

Those six words explain everything I wanted to say about this café in SBFZ. I mean, there’s nothing seriously wrong with the place. The establishment itself was structurally gorgeous – inside and outside – hence it attracted me to try it in the first place. But I guess, for someone who does go to cafés a lot, I can’t say I would recommend it to common folks because of two reasons. 1.) The goods they offer are expensive. And 2.) Their goods are not that special.

It enticed me in a way, yes, because it was a café so why not, right? I was scrupulous to really try them when I first had a closer look of their menu list displayed outside and all back on July. But then again, we got to try and see what this lil café could offer in just a spur of the moment last August 06, 2016 with my uncle’s family when he asked us where we wanted to hang out for a bit to kill some of our time that afternoon.

So take note, we had a car when we went to this café hence our easy access to it. Flavor Aroma is inside the Subic Bay Freeport Zone or more commonly known as SBMA. It’s near the so called ‘2nd gate’ of the Olongaponians or the entry way to SBFZ from Rizal Avenue, near the James Gordon Public Hospital. One thing I think I could say that is not good about the café, I am very sorry but it isn’t that accessible especially if you’re not a fan of walking and don’t have a transportation vehicle. This is probably one reason too that as much as possible I only wanted to blog about a café outside the SBFZ because any place that is located in there that isn’t in Harbor Point, would instantly have a disadvantage.

Anyways, I guess, let’s just head on to what we ordered…

My aunt and uncle got each a different kind of hot coffee to well, maximize the things we could try from the café. After all, they knew that I would blog about it. And much to our dismay, it was just right that they ordered two different cups, because well… they were miniature. I was astounded, I thought they ordered an Espresso because the service cups for their hot coffee would pass for a large Espresso service, only if there’s any. Thank God there isn’t that we know of. LOL.

My uncle had a Macchiato. So this was it. That small, I know. I think even Starbucks don’t serve that small cups with their price range. Or maybe it was because of the brand of the coffee bean they used for this coffee? I’m not really sure why it has to be that small. But it didn’t taste bad at least, you know. My uncle said it was better than my aunt’s order.

My aunt had a Hazelnut flavored coffee. Still with the small cup. Now I think I know the reason why they priced their goods that way. But I’ll just write it down later down below. Anyway, this was just too sweet for my aunt, she said. We brew our own coffee at home sometimes and we have hazelnut creamer and I do know first-hand that they’re sweet as they are supposed to be, but I think the mix of this café had it sweeter than what our palette got used to. So probably with other customers they would be okay, who knows? I guess all you have to do is try. LOL. It’s still a coffee at the end of the day.

Moving on…

My cousin had a Vanilla Frappe. It did taste okay. Not until we got that minty after taste. I’m not really sure if it was supposed to be that way, or it was wrong to have that taste in it. I mean, you know it could be this what they called ‘aroma’ in their café name. But still, that mint after taste shocked the hell out of us when we all tried it. Vanilla Frappe is supposed to be a simple sweet heaven in the mouth, not like that. I don’t know, guys. Maybe it was just their thing, you know.

I, on the other hand just had a simple Iced Coffee. I’m not sure if it’s sad or not that I actually don’t remember any more if I got any kind of iced coffee, or just plain iced coffee. Although I don’t think a café would just simply serve an iced coffee without asking if it’s Americano or a Latte. So I’ll just take a wild guess and say I got an Iced Latte. And it wasn’t bad. If there’s anything that tasted nothing close to the least we’re expecting from this place, it would be my latte.

And now we go to their FOOD. We didn’t get plenty or had ordered one for each of us since the prices of what they offer are again not for common folks like us. We ordered though for like three courses. One for an appetizer, the Oatmeal Cookies. One for the main course, the Hotdog Sandwich. And lastly for the dessert, the Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Cake.

Oatmeal Cookies. These were them. We ordered two pieces. Do you know how the Oatmeal cookies of Starbucks look like? Yeahh, our jaw dropped when we realized that these were them in this place because we were expecting the huge ones like the flattened ones at least so it could’ve fooled us in a way. As if. LOL. But still, can you believe it?

Oh and by the way before I forget, these added to the reasons why I thought my aunt and uncle ordered an espresso because you know, when you order espresso, they give you this chuck of sweet cookie with them. They look exactly like that so you can’t blame with the espresso thinking, okay? Hihi.

Hotdog Sandwich (Smoked sausage with three different sauces and shoestring potatoes). Shoestring potatoes, my ass. LOL. They’re just picnic fresh out of a can. Pssh, this was when my disappointment started to really escalate actually. Although nothing really tasted bad about it. It was just like labor-less kind of job they did on that dish.

Cookies &Cream Ice Cream Cake. My little cousin was the reason why we ordered this because he wanted an ice cream. Their ‘flavored gelatos’ were displayed forefront the counter so of course my cousin being a kid would instantly see it and would like to have one. But since he’s a little hyperactive, we asked for something that would lessen the sweetness off the equation. The word was ‘lessen’, not to actually serve us a cute, very small serving of melted ice cream on top of a thin breading. It’s just not worth it, okay? I’m so sorry. It’s just really small that I didn’t even care anymore of taking a decent photo of it.

I do really think they priced their goods that much not because of the ingredients or the standard of them, but because they have to catch up with the renting fee of the place. They could have done better if they’ve put up their café outside SBFZ so they didn’t have to cut short the standard of the things they offer to pay off their rent, you know. I’m not sure with this, okay? But I don’t really think they would last long in the biz if they don’t have contacts with socialites in the city who could and would afford them. Then again, Olongapo is not a huge city with that much of socialites. I don’t even think that there are actual socialites here, other than families who have foreign parents or something, maybe tourists. LOL. Sorry.

Well, okay, let’s put it in a different way. Flavor Aroma looks posh and extravagant hence you will really have that feeling that you would get to spend more than usual if you hang out there before you even get ahold of their menu list. Compared to the other cafés I visited by far, this was the only café I could say that would be acceptable to be compared with Starbucks and/or Coffee Bean. The atmosphere of these three cafés share the same vibe. The prices of what they offer do, too. Thus if you would honestly ask me, would I rather go to the leading high end cafés? I would undoubtedly answer you with a YES. Because again, as I said up there on my second reason why I wouldn’t recommend it to common folks, their goods were not that good to satisfy you with how much you would be spending.

However, if you want some solitude – a quiet place where you can contemplate your life in, or maybe have a personal/business one-on-one meeting with anyone you wanted to impress and/or wants posh things, this is a great place to be at. Interior design-wise I am 100% approved of this place. I might actually want to try their cocktails or wine there some time and if I have the money to treat myself with, why not? But with their food, especially with how much they serve, I could recommend you to a better place with a better food and probably with a cheaper price.

Aside from everything we ordered that were up there, they also offer bottles of wine, beer and cocktails. And yes they also have different gelatos in case you’re into that, but yeah of course the usual pastas and breakfast meals, chicken and beef meals.. they all have them.

All you have to do I guess is try them yourself. Because as I said first thing up there; there’s no normal, there’s only perspective. There are things that may be no good for me and for my relatives but could be great for you. Experience is always the best teacher, always keep that in mind. Sometimes all you need is some ounce of courage, a pinch of guts and your whole being deciding to make it happen. I actually believe within before I saw the caption of this photo that made me tell myself ‘Hey, it’s okay that it didn’t go the way you prefer. At least now you know how it feels like.’ is Y.O.L.O.

Haha. As cliché as it may sound to you. And yes it’s hippie thinking that way, but guys, just try to think of it! We all really just do live once. Reincarnation might be true but you can never be you that you are now tomorrow nor in your next lifetime so why be afraid of some disappointments and bad situations? It’s life! Just live it even if it taste bad right now and you have to pay some huge price because of something you did in only a spur of the moment. Feel the experience and conquer it.

Keep enjoying small grabs, and making big memories!

       ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

LIFE UPDATE: 21st Year on Earth

I know I’ve said on my first and previous Life Update post that I’ll be doing this quarterly. Every end of the quarter month, but here I am at the end of July (it’s already first week of August actually [SORRY, FOLKS!]) posting my second entry. How competent could I be? I know. I know. Next time I’ll be on track with this, don’t worry about that. Just give me this one now, it was my birthday last week (July 19) anyway. And if you haven’t noticed yet with the title….yes, folks! Your host is already in her twenties. I just survived two decades and one year in this labyrinth called life! ^^,

So, you decided to keep reading after all.. Heheee, well since there’s that then I guess I have to be honest with you guys now. I know I’ve just written on my first entry of Life Update that this could serve as my way to explain more thorough of why I’ve been doing stuffs or lack thereof like the past three months. Now that’s what you are going to be reading in this update. This fast, yes, on the second entry, my lacklustre life will be shown off already.

But yes, of course some bits from my birthday, too. LOL, as if there’s even some amazing things that happened that day though.

infinities x wormholes, yes that will be updated, too. And yes, nothing ended as I’ve put on my first entry, there’s just things that have to be compromised.

And all about the things that I want my opinion to be read out here by anyone who cares.

Let’s officially begin the second entry of my Life Update! *.*

Okay, so, remember when I posted Interlude? When I went back to the city from the vacation said in that post, my grandfather was rushed to the hospital. He was in the ICU for two weeks and was still observed in a private room for two more weeks. And have been in and out of the hospital since he was discharged. It’s been a tough time for all of us since then. Physically, emotionally, and of course, financially. We all survived that phase, though. We’re all so much better now, even my grandfather who suffered from stroke has been better too although he’s still under plenty of medication and physical therapy. So that’s what happened why I kind of hadn’t been on my blogging game these past few months. This happening contributed a lot to my lack of posted blogs lately hence I put this one first.

Other than that, though. My plan on going back to school has been put aside again because of some issue I left in my last school that I still have to fix before I could get my transcripts and well, that could let me continue on studying. It’s nothing serious so chill yo tits. I’ve got to take an entrance exam at the school I was planning to study by the way. I passed it and actually got high results. But then again, first thing’s first of course. I’ll take care everything on my previous school first before going on with my plan of going back to school. I mean, if I already have my transcripts, it’ll all be much easier.

Moving on from all the hassle of life….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JK :D

There were so many things that happened the past months (and still happening actually, I think I might get insane anytime soon lol) that I’m not sure what to write down first, nor how would I put them all into words together in one post, coherently.

Family issues, love life, the world’s chaos in general…

I’m not sure, really how I survived everything and still surviving. Well of course, mainly because I am not starving at least and I have clothes to wear every day and a house to shelter me every night to sleep. There are people out there who don’t have either or all of these basic necessities. So if you are reading this and you have all these things I just said, whatever you are going through, still consider yourself lucky. Let’s be thankful despite our own individual life struggles. We’ll get through whatever these shits are that life is letting us face.

If you are following me on Instagram and all my other social media accounts, you would know that the day of my birthday wasn’t an eventful one. Well, I should’ve expected already that only few would remember my birthday, and they are only my family. Actually some of them even forgot it. LOL, yes, I know, how sad? And it was. I’ve prepared myself to feel that way before my birthday came but still, of course no matter how prepared you are to receive that blow of pain to your gut, pain would still be pain. You would still get to feel it no matter how used you are to pain, and of course it would still hurt.

At the end of that day, though, I can’t help but be thankful of my family – even though how chaotic it makes me feel most of time – because they were there with me to celebrate that day. My godmother (who I honestly consider as the living version of a fairy godmother) and her kids threw me a small party in the house (I live with them by the way whenever I stay in the city) and invited my parents to commemorate the said day of my existence. She even handed me a gift, the book I was planning to buy when I saw it in one shop we went to while canvassing for a Mother Mary statue.

It wasn’t the kind of birthday you would expect for someone who’s like socially inclined person to have, but it was still a birthday at least. It was still a day lived worthily.

Since we’re at this already, yes folks! Gravity forgot my birthday after I told him about it a week before. It sucks, yes it truly did. It still does to be honest. Because would I really let a person who forgets about my special day stay in my life? Well the answer is yes, that’s why. LOL. Why? It’s simple, it’s because the person is important to me and I wouldn’t ever let a single day lose me a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Just try to think about it! One of your parents probably sucks big time, even a relative perhaps, but would you say that you wouldn’t want them in your life anymore just because they have this kind of attitude? Maybe yes, but not entirely. And that’s how he is to me. And please don’t bother me with ‘oh he’s different, he’s not family’ because I know that fact. But do you know why I treat them the same way? Because they both are important to me and you treat important people in your life equally. Whether they are a family, or a lover, or a friend, even a pet.

Okay, I won’t make this any longer because I am sure now that I wouldn’t get myself to write anything decent (I’m so sorry..) when there are lots of things going on in my head. I guess what I just want to say with this post is that all of us, while on earth with a life that has to be lived, we all go through some things and there are times that we get consumed by all these things that we tend to forget to take a deep breath, pause for a bit and appreciate that we are still fighting, that we’ve never given up with life yet and that’s a good thing. Because it means that there’s still something, or someone out there that’s giving us hope for a better tomorrow and this is always a good thing to be thankful for. We still find a purpose to live day after day when we don’t lose hope and that’s an important matter to keep in mind.

21st year of my life has been uneventfully eventful. Everything’s not sure but we will see what would happen. I know I’m on the right track now anyway. That at least is an ace point for me! ^^,

As what Koreans say, “Fighting!” Let’s do that always.. and if you would allow it, let’s do it together. :)

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!

                         ~Kaye

[thekirstenkhaye]

LIFE UPDATE: Recently

March 31, 2016

I’m not exactly sure how I will start this entry right now…

So I think, maybe it’s a good thing to begin with this news: I will be making a Life Update post quarterly, starting today. And that means, the updates will be on MARCH, JUNE, SEPTEMBER & DECEMBER.

For what? Well duh, obviously just a thorough update with what’s going on with my life. It’s either I’d say something about why I have been actively posting. I mean, there could be reasons I haven't got to say on certain posts, right? Or probably a lack of momentum with the posts, which is highly possible to happen especially we’re talking about me here. LOL, but of course I hope the latter won’t strike me, ever, so I wouldn’t have to explain my lazy butt to you guys. 

*literally crossing my fingers right now*  

If you want to know more about my life and how has it been going for me the first three months of the year, well, go ahead and click the “Keep reading” link down there. But if you only opened a link from any of my social media accounts where I posted about this on, then just feel free to scroll down and, READ ON!

That, only if you want to, though. Or maybe you have some spare time to read my blabs about my not-so-boring-but-also-not-so-cool-life. :)

Let’s start then. Shall we?

Last week, it was a Holy Week. I remember, it’s the Good Friday, while we were at the procession, I was talking with my cousin about something I wanted to do with my dream tag this year. If I’m not mistaken, I was sharing a thing or two of what I have had done for this blog or maybe what I plan to do more, then I guess out of my cousin’s curiosity, he asked me the question I had often asked myself last year (when I was still so undecided of everything that I want to happen with my life).

Him: May nakukuha ka ba diyan sa blog mo? (Do you even get anything from your blog?)

Me: Wala. Some sort of outlet lang. (None. Just some sort of outlet.)

Honestly, before I even got to answer, I had that dramatic pause moment as of everyone know when you get taken aback of something someone had said or done. Because it hit me. Probably not as hard as it used to when anyone asks me about it, but still, the question does poke some chords in me until today. Mainly because, I don’t get to meet people’s expectations with my blog or with what they expect of me because I have a blog. It’s disappointing on my part if you would ask me. Not because of the fact that I just said, but because most people are so anchored to this generation’s culture (not that I’m saying it’s bad because it’s not so calm down) where everyone should be doing (wearing, saying, going to or what more the said culture are into) the same thing. Which if for example, I have a blog and that person has a blog. The immediate question of people would be: why isn’t your blog like that? A direct comparative question from what they think is a better blog. Or it could be, (base on my experience) why aren’t you getting paid? Why does she/he have sponsors and you don’t? you think you’re not wasting your time on your blog when you’re not getting anything from it? Saddening, because it may not be for them but sometimes with the simplest question of their skepticism of what you’re doing, they are already discouraging a person to do what she/he might be passionate about.

Anyway, as I said, it was only a moment of pause. A fraction of time for me to analyze, gather my thoughts to their right places before I answer the thing that I know is right for the question. And yes, compared from last year, now I am more than sure why I am doing this, why I exert effort on this and why I have a blog in the first place.

So if you ask me, do I get anything from my blog?

Yes, I do. As I said to my cousin, this blog is my outlet. It’s not because I don’t have anyone to confide to whenever I need someone to talk to or let my feelings out. It’s never that. Maybe at first, I thought it’s that way because I started this blog back on 2013. I created an account here on Tumblr for a different reason from what I have already in mind when I started posting legit posts and not just reblogs.

I thought of creating an account here because I thought to myself, I am also good at dressing myself up, I love taking pictures and I could use our travels to have something to share to other people. That’s all I know I could do that time for my account since I was still studying in college. To have some medium where I could showcase my taste of fashion, where I could post loads and loads of pictures I often randomly capture with my phone’s camera. It was just that.

Until, if you already know (or probably not) I suffered from Hemorrhagic Stroke in April 2013, exactly the day before I was supposedly going to enroll for my summer classes in Uni. My life drastically changed as poetic as that sounds. My perspective of myself, of people, of Tumblr, and just everything with regards of living life I guess has changed as how I live it every single day has. And so my first ever legit post was very different with how I planned this account was supposed to have. Since that day, too, the things that I wanted to share to have an outlet of has changed. Because of what happened to me, I thought I was already living way differently with other people. Well, for starters, people around treat me differently. There were hundreds, thousands, millions even of “NOT ALLOWED TO DO”. At least I felt that way, though. I knew of course that they were only thinking what’s good for me. I suffered from two more seizure attacks after that day hence I couldn’t really blame their paranoia with my health condition either. But me being my stubborn self, I wanted to live life the way I want it to be lived. Hence I did what I always wanted to do with a thought in mind that ‘this is the only thing that I could do already, why stop me?’ and I actually even wished I could just die with all the things I was doing because they said it’s not good for my health, for me. I’d rather die than live that kind of life.

However as I said, I wanted to live life the way I want it to be lived. I’m passionate of living it, surviving it actually. I realized that recently because someone had told me how passionate I am with this blog. And yes, maybe, I am. So I’ll just embrace it because this blog, it may not give me something that others think I should get from doing this, but I always receive the most important thing I need by having this blog. I get an outlet. Just that, nothing more, nothing less.

If anyone could remember, before this blog become LIFENIGMA, this was once entitled Contagious Optimism. Yes, it was. Thinking it now, it’s pretty ironic to be honest because while I was in the eye of my own tropical depression, battling my way out of it. I was also writing, composing and posting blogs about being positive. Perhaps this blog, together with all the books that I have read during those years were indeed some of the important factors of how I managed to build myself up to someone that I am today.

And I think I’m so much better now than who I was back in 2013 and even before that. Maybe not physically speaking but as a person. So again, yes I know this may project to you as useless and complete waste of my time but I’m sorry because I’d still continue having this blog, posting anything and everything that I want to on here because this gives me something that if you didn’t get all the things that I just put up there, I think you wouldn’t understand yet. So don’t worry, I’ll let your judgment pass because I now know that not everyone will understand me but that’s okay as long as I understand myself.

Thus, if you can see, I’ve changed my blog theme to a much better one. LOL. I hope so it’s much better than the last ones I had. Tell me what you think about it, alright? :)

If you’re using your desktop or laptop, you could see that I already have the Instagram and Twitter widgets. I think that’s a great thing to have. Right? You could easily tweet me using the widget, and also see my latest posts on Instagram. Same goes I think if you’d be using your browser on your phone and set it on computer mode? I don’t know how it’s called but I’m sure if your phone’s browser isn’t set to have all the sites in mobile form, it’ll let you see the widgets on the left side. Other than that. There are also 8 links there below the title banner.

1.) the basic Home link which you could click if you want to easily go back to the home page of my blog and see the latest 5 posts. 2.) the Contact link which is the Ask page of Tumblr where you could easily send me a message and ask question using Tumblr’s default ask box. You would also see there the e-mail address I use if you want to send me something more formal message or question. 3.) the Facts link where you would get to read some basic (or maybe some detailed too, who knows? haha) facts about me. 4.) the Archive link which is very self-explanatory. 5.) the Dream Tag link is the page where you’d get to read my explanation of why I have a dream tag in the first place and basically what on earth is a dream tag. Also, I’ve put links there to the entries I have already posted related to this thing so you wouldn’t have to scroll pass through some of my posts (or reblogs) in between. 6.) the Playlists link where the links of my three accounts that I am using to enjoy music how I wanted them to be enjoyed are put. 7.) the Nova link which is yet to be filled with something I’ve been doing lately. Sooner or later the link will be useful too if you guys would like the first thing I’d put there, or basically just what the main craft is all about. 8.) the Giveaways link, yes there will be this kind of charade on here just like with the other blogs out there because I thought it’ll be nice to give something back to people who read my blabs on here and join me while living this enigmatic life I have just like everyone else. I’m not sure when this will start but no I’m not going to wait for sponsors or partners just to get this done. It’ll be nice if there would be, but this will happen with or without any. Because this will come from me anyway. So yes, you know, just to be clear. Haha.

While I’m enjoying how I already figured what kind my blog should be, I have also been getting myself more physically fit. May not be how a normal person does but I’ve been doing my best to at least strengthen my body by doing more physical routines at home and building my self-confidence to be out there in the real world, talking to people in person and socializing the way how I used to. I’ve also been taking this High Potential Therapy that I might post about soon if it worked more than well for me in the future. Because I must say, for the past month that I’ve been doing it, I have seen improvements in me. Not just physically but also emotionally, spiritually and most especially with how I socialize with other people. I’ve been so used to being locked up inside the house that it became hard for me to talk to other people but because this therapy I’m doing requires me to be in a room with people I don’t know and have to socialize with every day, I become more comfortable going out and seeing/talking to people. It’s actually refreshing and I feel like I’m part of the world again, that despite my physical condition and what happened to me, I am no different with everyone. I’m this person trying to be healthy in this polluted world just like everyone else.

Because also of that regained self-esteem, I have finally found my ground and am now confidently planning to go back to school. If you don’t know that yet, yes my dear, I am. Even with this physical condition of mine right now, not yet on perfect shape but yes, I really do want to go back to school already. And I will no matter what. I’ll be taking an examination next week to a school available here in my town that offers a course that I want (not really my first choice but it’ll do than anything else) and I have a feeling I’ll be comfortable going to be at every day. That may not work, but I have a back-up plan. I will also apply for an online course in some school that is known here in the country that offers the said way of getting educated. You know, just in case. Pray with me that either of the two works out! :)

Hmmmmmm…..

What more do I need to update with???

Ohh…

Yeahh….

infinities x wormholes

Yeahh well, nothing lasts forever. That I’m definitely sure now.

And no. No, no, no, no I’m not bitter. Okay, maybe a bit but I understand what happened between us, okay? It’s tough. That’s not a shocker for anyone, I guess. Long Distance Relationship will never be easy. But it’s possible to workout. Look. I mean, read this. LDR will never be easy but it’s possible to work things out. And there are comprises, sacrifices when you do that thus it’s not easy to begin with. That’s what we only did, I guess.

If you’re going to ask, am I in a relationship? My answer is NO. Am I available? My answer: in what sense? Because my heart is open but people should understand that just because it’s open for possibilities, it’ll give in to anyone or anything. Because no, it doesn’t work that way. I believe that life should not be wasted waiting for something that is not going to happen, but I do also believe that for life to be worth sharing with someone, you have to be happy first. And that means… ugh it’s complicated. LOL. I can’t put everything into words yet. Maybe because it’s not my priority as of the moment? Click this link. That’s all I can say about my love life right now.

It’ll come when it will, you know. Hihi. What’s important for me now is that I have plans, I have the will to do them, and I’m happy surviving and living this life of mine.

                   ~Kaye

PS: there’ll be interesting posts after this. at least for me they are, though. if i know you personally and have told you about Alex, watch out coz i’ll be posting something that that cutie requested (which you would already know what by now) and there’d be the summer outings and maybe travels? who knows.. and of course the entry for my dream tag! APRIL will be a busy but a productive month! xx

[thekirstenkhaye]

#LifenigmaCafe Vol. 1 - Bread Time

First of all, I should be honest, what really caught my eyes wasn’t this place that got me thinking of “hey, I should visit this place and write something about it!” and where my mind got to generate this idea of visiting cafés and write about my experience with them, it was the restaurant near this café (I just figured out that it was a restaurant when I personally saw where this place is located like a week ago, or maybe just couple of days ago hahaha). Simply because I thought it was a café, and not a goddarn restaurant, okay. LOL. I mean, the vibe of the restaurant when you look at it from the outside, it made me assume that it was a café. I won’t say that in behalf of everyone because, you know, maybe it’s just me who thought about it that way.

Moving on from that sad silly truth….

Since we’re already being honest over here already, I should confess that this post should have been up for over a week already but my word-y spirit left my body when we got home from the café. Or maybe I just really got lazy and had myself distracted with social media and TV shows (and life?) that’s why I am just doing this now, super late at night. Whichever is really the reason, I want to apologize to you who is reading now, and probably to myself, too who expected that I’d get to pull my shit together this year because I have my goals that I want to achieve straight and clear in my heart and head.

And I should probably head on now to what’s really the matter to discuss here, yeah? :) 

So, I may be disappointed of myself because I only gave time and exert extra effort to compose this now, but while in this moment of typing (and listening to Shawn Mendes’ Life of the Party acoustic), I also feel proud and happy with myself because I got to peel my ass off the bed (or couch) and actually go to a café ON THE FIRST MONTH OF THE YEAR, even if it’s already at the last week, still, I gave it a shot anyway. I must say, it’s a good way to start a year.

First month of the year and I got to do something with my dream tag? Well, I am telling you all, that’s a huge ass thing to accomplish by yours truly. And here’s a high five for that!

On the twenty sixth day of January, year 2016, I dragged my cousins with me to Bread Time. Yes, it was a week day but bless their school because it cooperated and had them no classes on that day. As I said up there, I first thought Bread Time was the restaurant (Aristocrat) located next to its left side, facing the café. So honestly, I was bummed when I knew the truth behind my imagination of it. LOL.

My cousins knew about this place long before, though. You can’t blame me from not knowing about it, okay. I lived almost half my life in another region of the country, and nowhere near this hometown of mine. Besides, when I got back here almost 3 years ago, I spent most of the time inside the house. So probably it’s not a shocker, too that I felt alien in the café.

First of all, I never thought it was actually known with its various selection of bread, from plain local Filipino everyday grabs to foreign types of easy grabs from cafés.

Secondly, what I was expecting was them to have this cozy and vintage-y or probably at least pretty spacious with couches and music resonating quietly through speakers, but it didn’t. Although, they of course at least have some pastries, the usual and cakes that looked absolutely mouth-watering.

And lastly, aside from food, they also offer some help to gulp down those food to your tummy with their multiple selection of cold and hot beverages. Which what I was really looking forward to check out because before going there, I did some research about the place. Although I only saw very few reviews since they only have a saved page, served as a location (of course, duh, Kaye) used to checked in when posting something on Facebook. What instantly caught my attention were the posts comparing it to Starbucks (though I think it’s kind of sad because they used the word ‘cheaper’ as an evaluation term). So yes, I did really looked forward to it.

We ordered one slice each of Blueberry Cheesecake, Choco Crunch, and Tiramisu Chiffon. For our drinks, my cousins ordered the same Vanilla Frappe and I got myself a Café Latte (Tall). Before I forgot to think of it, I also bought two Ensaymada, the original and the one with ube filling to bring home for my aunt and little cousin. All in all, we only paid Php 400.00 which in my opinion wasn’t so bad for everything that we consumed.

Bread Time is known for their bread (obviously with their name of course that should make them popular), but later on I learnt that its owner, is apparently the owner too of the ever famous Mansion Bakery here in Olongapo City. And with that, I thought I no longer need to taste their bread (or the Ensaymada I bought) to tell that they taste good.

The three different kinds of cake that we decided to get did not disappoint our palates, too. 

I must say the Blueberry Cheesecake was our top favorite in an instant without a doubt, we cleaned its plate first (and fast mind you haha). 

For me, though, Choco Crunch was next that made me ‘oh, yeah, mhmm, this is really good’ and got me thinking of buying one if ever I get a chance to do so soon, just so I’d get to appreciate its taste more without getting overpowered by the Blueberry Cheesecake. 

With the Tiramisu Chiffon, it’s my least just because I don’t like how it’s too sweet for my liking. Although if you have the generic sweet tooth, I can dare say that it’s not that bad also. 

On regards with the drinks we had, they were fine with me. Fine, because they did not wow’d more or something else nor messed with my taste buds. My cousins said their frappe (sorry I don’t have a single photo, my cousins had a dig of them fast when they arrived) just tasted like iced coffee. I can’t say that it should be like that nor any other way because I’m no expert, but I guess what they were just trying to point out was they tasted better Vanilla Frappe else where than with what the place offered us. 

My latte was fine, too. I’m not picky with my coffee as long as it wouldn’t taste other than a regular coffee, nothing discourages me to drink one. Man, it’s coffee! Who would say no to a coffee if you’re a regular drinker of one?

The place itself was fine to me. Not disappointing, although not also the kind of place that would get you all excited and easily cozy at, and have you decide “This will be my to go to place from now on.’

One thing that I found applauding was its perfect location. It’s near a huge to-go-to mall, a handful of colleges, and they have their own parking space which I should point out too is shared with a restaurant owned by the same owner of Bread Time that is located next to it, at its right side. Disadvantage of it? Many people used their outdoor space as a walk way to the mall, plus there’s a huge chance of many bystanders (may it be students, or employees before going to work or after their shifts) since they have free WiFi within the vicinity.

All in all, it was a nice try. For the first time, I did get myself to venture in my hometown with something I really want to go and try. Perhaps had seen and been to way better cafés from where I studied in college compare to Bread Time that’s why it didn’t make that much impact to me. Hence the lack of motivation to write and post this faster than I did. Café, Coffee Shop, Tea House, Yogurt Place, you name it. Those places are the type of places you could have something that would refresh you, they might be just small and informal establishments, but in them, for me, they should make you feel at eased, relaxed, and if possibly just like home. And that last part was the feeling that I didn’t get from Bread Time. But to make things clear, they didn’t exactly meet my expectations that much but they meet me halfway with what they served me to feed myself and my cousins. That alone is already a great thing to be contented for. Let me correct this, too, Bread Time is not ‘a cheaper version of Starbucks’. Bread Time made those things you could get in Starbucks affordable just so those who don’t want to spend $3 for their cup of coffee and wanted the same thing (at least looks like the same thing) affordable.

Bread Time is not cheap, they only sell much more affordable goods to common people. So, maybe if you get the chance to visit Olongapo City and happens to stop by here, you already know that you’d get lovely pastries and affordable frappes and lattes without ripping off your wallet in half.

Enjoy the small grabs and let yourself make big memories,

               ~Kaye

PS: Sorry for the crappy photos, I only used my phone (Blackberry Z10) to take them and edit them. I’ll be working on my watermarks soon too, so it’ll look more decent next time. Sorry Again.