#whoever decided that word was a good idea in that context go write a kids fantasy book instead. ur making english worse

[canonically-a-genloser]

grimdark is actually the most dnd ass made up word i think has been created by people oversimplifying and misunderstanding media so far

[caleiiiii]

mcyt subway au pt 4 - ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

check out the master post here !

halloween

phil lets everyone dress up for the halloween weekend as long as they wear the nametag and hat

tubbo dresses up as a bee (it matches the pin on his visor :D)

tommy tries to “dress up” as schlatt, but gets denied as soon as he walks in the door

wilbur, the shift lead, decides that tommy can just. wear a sheet over his head with the eyes cut out

he has to wear the hat and nametag on the sheet tho

wilbur, quackity, and fundy decide it would be hilarious to all wear their uniforms backwards

hats, shirts, aprons, pants, it’s all backwards

wilbur asks fundy if hes gonna wear his fursuit (this is before the philza smackdown)

fundy is Not Pleased 

the dream team + karl dress up as hogwarts students

instantly the favorites from all the kids who come into the store

technoblade dresses up as a vampire 

isnt allowed to ring people up because of the fake fangs

eret dresses up as a king, also attempts to wear those like 5 inch platform heels

the reason he cant is because he kept hitting his head on things

niki dresses up as wednesday addams

phil told her she wasnt allowed to keep the crossbow on her :(

schlatt just shows up in his everyday clothes

when quackity asks who hes dressed up as schlatt just responds

“God”

no one else asks any questions

the proofer incident

one time tubbo was sick and couldn’t work his shift

everyone else was busy so phil let tommy and wilbur work it alone

since tubbo always bakes the bread, tommy had to do it

(for context, you have to proof bread before you bake it so it rises)

so tommy placed all the dough in the proofer to proof

but he didnt set the timer right

cut to a few hours later

the two are just finishing up a big rush when wilbur looks into the proofer

“tommy, you do know how to set the timer on the proofer, right?”

“what timer?”

tommy looks into the proofer

its just

dough

so much dough

(when you overproof dough it gets really big)

wilbur starts CACKLING 

tommy just. stares

they run out of bread that evening

languages

tubbo asks niki to teach him german one night

niki decides to hang up a bunch of sticky notes on items around with the store with the german word for it

fundy and quackity begin to do the same for dutch and spanish respectively

phil tells them as long as its in the back room he doesnt mind

speedrunning sandwiches

dream is hella good at making sandwiches

prides himself on being pretty damn good at his job

one day he hears rumors about a worker from another subway store who is super fast at making sandwiches

dream, curious, asks what location and decides to pay a visit to this newfound competitor

when he gets there, he meets illumina

the guy is just so fast at making sandwiches

dreams internal monolouge: “oh, this is my new rival”

as illumina is making his sandwich hes just like. mentally taking notes

he starts going to the other subway like about 3-4 days a week

everytime he asks for illumina to make his sandwich

every single time

time skip to two ish weeks later or smth

dream has made way too many google docs and spreadsheets over this

once he was editing it on the company computer and sapnap caught him and just stared in horror

he goes into the subway to order another sandwich and asks for illumina again

as dream is paying illumina kinda asks

“hey, so uh, is there a reason that you come in here like every day and always request that i make your sandwich?”

dream just. Freezes

its a weird conversation

the kitten incident(s) -an expansion on an idea by @trademarked-but-not-really !

schlatt, despite the façade he puts up, is a big softie

one time he finds a tiny kitten on his way to work

in a split second decision he just. brings the kitten to work

places the cat in his cubby behind his sweatshirt

during his lunch break he goes to the back room to play with the kitten

quackity catches schlatt holding the kitten and baby-talking it

“who’s a good kitty? you are! you-”

“uh, schlatt, what are you doing?”

quackity gets so much blackmail

“if you tell anyone about this you’re dead.”

quackity uses his blackmail to get out of so much stuff

after that incident, schlatt gets better at hiding the kittens

there are still some slip ups tho

phil: “is that cat hair on the floor?”

schlatt, hiding a kitten in his apron: “no... hopefully”

after his shift he always brings the kittens to the local animal shelter

he also volunteers there during his free time

one time niki comes in to adopt a cat and walks in only to see schlatt holding 3 small kittens

one in each hand, and another climbing up his shoulder

they just -stare- at eachother

needless to say, another person gains blackmail on schlatt that day

trade-offs

tommy, tubbo, and wilbur haggle and trade doing certain tasks

mainly sweeping the store and stocking the chips display

these trades get VERY intense

“i’ll start on freezer pulls if you sweep and mop” “only if you do prep work tomorrow” “deal!”

“i’ll let you bake bread and cookies if you also stock the chip display” “ugh, fine”

one day phil comes in to do inventory just to see the three boys standing by the task list screaming at each other

luckily only bad and skeppy were in the shop

schlatt and wilbur origins

when schlatt  first started working at subway, he always got paired with wilbur on shifts

(this is before tommy and tubbo started working at subway)

they got along like a house on fire

they always made up bets to complete while they worked

on their first shift alone they decided to play a hellish rendition of “the floor is lava”

whoever lost had to buy the others meals for a month

skeppy and bad agreed to be the referees for the day

they took extra chairs from the back and placed them around the shop so they could get around without touching the floor

they even put chairs behind the bain (the area behind the counter)

after they set everything up, the game began

from then on, they spent the whole day perched on chairs

customers were

very confused

to say the least

many tasks were done poorly or not at all in an attempt to win the bet

the two survive until the end of the day with no major failures

in a last ditch attempt to win, schlatt made a dramatic final speech and pushed wilbur from the chair he was standing on

skeppy recorded the whole speech

unfortunately, wilbur hit the floor just as phil arrived

the manager in question was PISSED

wilbur and schlatt were banned from working together in the future

feel free to send my asks about this au!! also, if you write/draw anything for this au, please tag me!!! i’d love it see it :D

tag list :)

@i-am-a-wizard @eva-ticket @oakskull @thesmpisonfire @trademarked-but-not-really @orange-is-salty-tm @pixelatedrose @hollow-hypocrite @astrono @nootella23 @hot-dumbass @jen-dot-net @karlljacobs @gearstorm @nico-nat @marvel-snowbaz

[uwua3]

if it's ok 😳👉👈 i really love your writing and i've had this idea in my head for awhile but i can't get myself to write it on my own 🤔 i wanted to see how your spin would be on it- so can i request a prompt where reader gets jealous of tenma's co-actress in a romance and tries to mimic what she does to him in a show they're in?? ty!!! 💕💕💕 i look forward to your interpretation

thank you so much for requesting~ ♡ i love you sososo much; i hope this lives up to everything you’ve dreamed of! ♡ ～('▽^人) i LOVE YOU!!! <333

summary: when tenma lands a role in your favorite drama, he had one goal: to become your favorite actor

warnings: envy/jealousy, food mentions, rivalry (all covered briefly!)

author’s note: after learning everything there is to know about the k-drama, true beauty, on tik tok, i’ve decided to write this! for context, the only thing i recommend watching before reading this is watching the “roar” scene!

this is also the first time i’ve introduced made-up characters with names! please enjoy jun, the first character who isn’t canon to the a3!verse :D

word count: 3,768

music: like a movie – b1a4

pretty u!

🌻☀️ sumeragi tenma

what the heck was love, and why did he have to be in it?

sumeragi tenma, future “world’s best actor”, was suddenly... seeing why he hadn’t won that award yet. with a script in his hand and confusion in another, tenma read the title of the next drama he landed the role for

“PRETTY U...” it was japan’s next major love story, advertised on every social media platform possible with the all-star cast in the spotlight already. although it had already been out for a season, tenma was entering as the up-and-coming newest character of the series

tenma was boyish, young, and much too confident for his age—perfect for the role of a second-lead bad boy who was going to steal the heart and test the protagonist’s commitment

except... he didn’t actually want to take up a new project so soon. he only did because—

“what?! you’re going to be chan on PRETTY U?!” he proudly nodded and watched as you began ranting about how much you loved this show. there was only one reason he came to the audition: tenma wanted to star in your favorite television series

you always went on and on about how great everything about PRETTY U was. after hearing so much and pretending not to listen (even if he could practically explain the entire plotline now without watching it), tenma let himself become a fan, too

after all, how could he not be a fan when you loved PRETTY U so much?

tenma didn’t respond to his manager’s pleas until one day, you revealed another reason why PRETTY U was your favorite production: the main lead

“he’s so handsome~ i love him so much!” “do you know him? could you get me his number?” “look at him... he’s the most perfect actor in the business right now—ah, sorry ten!”

tenma scoffed every time, claiming he could most certainly do better than that hotshot. although the boys typically didn’t do the same type of television, he had become tenma’s #1 rival without even knowing it

besides... what did that guy have that tenma didn’t? he was just nice! sure, he held open the door for the lead, bent down to tie her shoes, bended over backwards just to be the perfect boy-next-door. yeah... even he couldn’t pretend anymore

tenma pouted at the thought, skimming over his next pilot episode for rehearsal tomorrow. he was too good to be real, after all, he was meant to end up with the lead girl anyways (spoiler alert!)

but, it didn’t matter how perfect that actor was! because tenma had gotten the role of “chan”, the leather-jacket wearing mystery with an actual heart of gold, and he was going to make the entire audience swoon

(though, tenma just wanted to make your heart skip a beat when he ended up on the big screen)

tenma would never admit how fast he checked his phone when he felt it buzz in his pocket. sure, it was unprofessional during rehearsal but he knew it was you. however, his smile dropped the moment he read what you sent

you: remember to tell him how much i love him!

tenma: hah... no good luck for your new bad boy?

you: you know i’ll always root for you, ten!

tenma: but, i’m better than that actor, right?

tenma watched his message get delivered and was about to keep bothering you until someone called his name like they were friends. speak of the devil...

that actor’s straight, white toothy smile made tenma stand a little straighter (damn it, tenma was shorter), eyes wide as the actor gracefully introduced himself as his co-star for the next month or so (how did his voice sound even better in person?!)

“good morning, tenma! my name is jun, i’m so honored to meet a fellow actor on set! let’s work together well!” were they... really the same age? tenma barely registered the fact he was suddenly shaking jun’s (right, that’s his name) hand. why did he have such a manly grip?

tenma quickly (to his dismay) found out that him & jun had entered the industry around the same time but often had different projects, so they were never featured in the same production before. apparently, that was creating quite a buzz in the media that two childhood stars were competing against one another

a competition that tenma couldn’t lose. he was going to be your favorite actor, not his rival!

jun, like the perfect gentleman everyone described him to be, showed tenma around the PRETTY U set. jun had nothing but good things to say about the crew and vise versa. that only reinforced how tenma was oddly much more quiet than he usually was. luckily, one of the talents of being an actor was improvising, so jun was doing just fine

when they had reached the dressing rooms, jun shot a bright smile at tenma and gestured to the rather large room

“we’ll be sharing a dressing room together, tenma! we’ll be spending a lot of time together!”

tenma suddenly regretted his decision to become chan of PRETTY U. you couldn’t have had a different favorite show?! anything but... this

there were now three main characters for PRETTY U: hoshi, yuri, and chan, creating a love triangle for millions of viewers to watch every week

nakamura jun, leading role, played “hoshi”, the boy-next-door. this is the popular boy at school with the best grades and an even greater reputation amongst everyone. next, uedo ren, one of japan’s rising female actresses of this generation. she is adored as “yuri”, the perfect girl. she is the typical nerd who suddenly transformed into the prettiest girl at school from learning make-up

last (but definitely not least!) is sumeragi tenma, playing “chan”, the bad boy. it was nothing like tenma’s done before, since the character was much less expressive than he was used to. chan is a traditional rebel who is revealed to have a soft side for yuri. but, chan (ironically enough) has a secret history with hoshi, causing tension in this already confusing love triangle

(embarrassingly enough, jun had to explain to tenma the complications and ties between each character. tenma, unfortunately, found it to be extremely helpful)

even with this newfound knowledge of the characters in season 2, tenma couldn’t help but absolutely ruin the first day of rehearsals. even with a decade or so of acting as his experience, one thing kept him from being chan: his lack of chemistry with “yuri”

“cut!” the director called out again for the nth time, sighing as their eyes landed on tenma, who was not enjoying being the center of attention this time, surprisingly

“take 5, kid. once you come back, i expect you to actually go through this scene without messing up your lines.” tenma nodded and exited quickly, feeling flustered from the looks of sympathy directed his way. usually, it was one-and-done. it didn’t take a hundred tries just to do another romantic and cliché scene

tenma exhaled loudly once he felt the fresh air upon his face. without the fear of cameras in his face anymore, tenma ran his hand through his hair with a frustrated kick at the concrete. come on! he was renown child actor sumeragi tenma, why was he so in his head now?

tenma was about to yell into the sky before he heard someone close the door, standing beside him with their usual silence. tenma didn’t even have to look to know it was jun (probably with the most pitiful look ever)

“tenma? are you okay?” jun waited as tenma tried to not say anything he’d regret, shifting his weight on his foot back and forth before relenting, shrugging as if it couldn’t be helped

“i don’t know... i just, i can’t see yuri that way. how am i supposed to flirt with someone i don’t even like?”

jun pondered the thought for a moment, before tilting his head, a boyish smile overtaking his features. tenma unwillingly relaxed; jun finally looked his age

“who do you like then?”

tenma froze, a blush even foundation couldn’t hide blossoming on his cheeks. jun let out a teasing “oooh!” as he nudged tenma with his shoulder, who pushed back with an eye-roll

“i-it’s not like that! don’t be so—ugh!” tenma cut himself off, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding jun’s knowing eyes. damn it, they barely knew each other. why was he getting so comfortable with his enemy?!

“well, whoever you thought of, imagine yuri as them.”

“is that what you do?”

jun shrugged, not giving a clear answer for once. before tenma could ask for more information, their break was over

when tenma returned to the scene, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. when he opened them again, he watched as yuri transformed into the one person he’s been trying to impress this entire time: you

when “you” smiled, tenma couldn’t help but follow along. his first-take after break made the cut for the final product

“you must really like them, tenma~” — “stop!!!”

filiming afterwards became easy, especially when he imagined all his romantic words were directed towards you. he could feel the clamminess of his hands, the rapid beat of his heart, the intense blush across his face, all at the thought of you

(the only time he had to start over was when he accidentally said your name instead of yuri’s)

tenma was sure he’d become your favorite actor now! after all, you were his favorite person

“will you watch the first episode of PRETTY U’s season 2 with me?”

you had never said yes so fast in your entire life. when tenma learned there’d be a cast-viewing of episode 1 after finishing the season, he knew his +1 invite could only go to the biggest fan of the show

throughout filming, you were always the person who got him in trouble when the text tone wasn’t put on silent. you liked spamming tenma with a bunch of supportive and encouraging messages when you were available, meaning tenma always had something to look forward to after each scene

in return, tenma would send a selfie of him with his castmates or the set (or, what he was allowed to show under his contract). yet, despite your constant pleas, there was one co-star he’d never take a photograph with: jun

(“tenma! we’ve worked together for months~ shouldn’t i be called your friend now?” “no—” “huh?! don’t pretend you don’t like me!” “who said i was pretending?” “tenma!”)

at first, tenma was apprehensive about inviting you to an event where jun’s picture-perfect face would be on display everywhere. but, whenever he saw you, the weight of the tickets suddenly felt much heavier in his pocket. he couldn’t deprieve you of such an exclusive event just because of his jealousy (even if he was this close to doing so)

when tenma impulsively asked three days before, it felt worth it when you threw your arms around him (he hugged you back and pretended this meant something to you)

“i love you, ten!”

tenma felt like he was on set again, with yuri’s arms tightly holding onto his heart

“i love you, too.”

even after saying it so many times, tenma meant it even if he didn’t say it to your face every time

you looked like the star of the show

tenma fixed his tie as his blazer suddenly felt too tight. you appeared in your most formal attire, looking like a million bucks as you two sat across each other in the limo

“ten, look at all of this!” you pointed out every little thing of preparing for a professional event. the little glasses of champagne neither of you two could drink sat to the side as the leather seats molded to fit your posture. as the night lights of tokyo blurred by, tenma couldn’t help but think you sparkled more than this diamond of a city

“i can’t wait to go see the first episode! thank you for inviting me.” you bowed your head, as if suddenly overcome with gratefulness. tenma lightly kicked your shoe with his, fondly rolling his eyes as he tried not to smile (mission failed)

“don’t worry about it, who else would i bring? you’re my favorite pe—friend. friend, yeah...” tenma trailed off, suddenly finding something very interesting outside of the window. you only nodded, seemingly more interested in the fact there was enough room to walk around

when tenma caught sight of the infamous red carpet laid out in front of the theatre, he cleared his throat and put on his best face for the cameras. after stepping out of the car with his bodyguards nearby, tenma turned and gave you a genuine smile. not his typical arrogant smirk the news source ate up, but a type of smile only reserved for you

when he held out his hand, the flashing lights behind him seemed like a real celebrity, something you had never considered him to be before. it was like seeing tenma in a new light (both literally and figuratively)

“shall we?” you took his hand and wondered if you could ever have your own j-drama. perhaps, tenma could even be the main lead...

before you could step off to the side, tenma already had his arm wrapped around your waist with his unchanging expression (however, underneath it all, he was internally freaking out. what was he going to do now?!)

“you’re my date, right? walk the red carpet with me.” tenma winked (you swore it sparkled) as he gestured towards the carpet ahead. suddenly, the line seemed much longer

“t-ten... you’ve never brought a date before...” you mumbled, acutely aware of how soon it was to walk down together. tenma’s arm stiffened, but nothing else exposed the revelation as he looked down at you

“you’re my first, then.” and my last, tenma thought to himself. before you could change your mind, it was showtime. tenma put on his movie star face and introduced you to familiar interviewers, smiling away as if you two weren’t panicking on the inside

while you were focusing on the fact you were going to be going viral as tenma’s first “date” to the event, tenma was trying not to blush from how close you were. you felt... right besides him

tenma was a natural in front of an audience waiting for him to make a mistake. he flawlessly answered every question with swaggering confidence, his stride easy and poses photogenic

you did your best to follow his lead but it all ended when tenma took you into the theatre, staring down at you with a bright smile

“we did it! see, told you we’d be just fine.” tenma let out an exhale of relief, glowing with joy from the adrenaline of everything that came with being a superstar. as you looked up into his excited eyes, you saw him lean down before—

“your arm is still around me.”

silence, then a hurried separation as tenma put too many feet between you two. it was suddenly as if you two were strangers. you regretted the words the moment they left your mouth; you didn’t mind at all... why did you say something?!

“um... so, food?” tenma spoke up after an eternity of making excuses. you two quickly moved to the line of movie snacks, using candy and popcorn to substitue the suddenly awkward silence

when tenma ordered all your favorites without even asking, he turned around with the selection only to close his eyes and internalize every single thing he was feeling because there he was, his worst enemy

jun entered from a side door, most likely finishing up helping the crew with set-up (and 30 minutes early as usual) before catching tenma’s iconic bright orange hair, a grin lighting up his face

“tenma! it’s me, jun!” he said, as if they weren’t the two main leads of japan’s most famous drama so far. immediately, your smile matched jun’s as you watched as your favorite actor of all time make his way towards you two

“jun... of course you’d be here.” tenma said through gritted teeth, forcing a pleasant smile even with an armful of junk

“ah, still keeping the bad boy attitude? we’re off set now, you can stop method acting now.” jun joked, bringing his attention to you with a dazzling smile that would absolutely make any fansite’s career

“oh? who is this, a friend of yours?” tenma tried not to sigh so loud when you couldn’t help yourself and burst into a long rant about how amazing jun was. tenma waited until you reached your midpoint and stopped you with a quick nudge, trying not to scream (could jun stop being so... perfect? could you stop being so cute?!)

when tenma introduced you, he stood a little closer as he tried to maintain his jealousy. “they’re my date, by the way.” no one had asked, but tenma was clearly telling anyone who was around you two had gone together

jun’s eyes lit up in recognition as he let out a noise of surprise. “ah~ so this is who you—”

tenma didn’t regret losing his giant popcorn so fast to a co-star who could only be silenced with food. his wallet could afford another one, anyways. his pride on the other hand? could not let you know his acting secret already

“what was jun going to say?” you asked after you two departed for the viewing room. tenma nonchalantly pretended like everything was okay as he guided you to front row

“probably something about the fact you’re the one who always interrupts our scenes.”

“hey! my texts make your day, don’t lie!”

“go sit down and eat already, jeez.”

when it began, your eyes couldn’t leave the screen. it was better than you could have imagined. everything was perfect, it exceeded the standards of even the toughest fans out there. you loved every second of it... except...

tenma was too good at being chan. even with his bright hair, the dark clothes he wore made him appear intimidating, with his sharp eyes and even sharper smirk. chan’s appearance was tough, rough, and mean, everything tenma wasn’t

yet, you still couldn’t help but feel your heart sink when chan was clearly in love with yuri. yuri was one of your favorite characters by far, but she ended up bothering you for the entireity of the episode

especially every time she shared a scene (which were many times) with chan. chan was revealed to be a bad boy with a heart of gold, all with a special soft side for yuri

what was this feeling? were you... no, you couldn’t be! after all, you had never seen tenma that way before, right? yet, every time chan made an exception for yuri, you felt sick to your stomach

was it possible that tenma liked the actress who played yuri? you snuck a glance at tenma, only to see he was looking at you already (he’d never admit it, but he was watching your reactions to see if he made you proud. yet, every time you saw him, you subconsciously frowned)

were you not proud of him? did you not like his performance as chan?

before tenma could ask you, the scene changed into one of chan’s. he was standing outside in the school uniform, his head ducked as he swiped through yuri’s social media. before he could look up, yuri jumped in front of him with a teasing smile

“roar!” she called out, referring to their inside joke earlier in the episode. yuri cutely bounced back with another roar, holding her hands up like paws. chan watched, his typical rock-hard expression breaking to reveal his developing feelings for yuri

later on, chan stopped yuri in the hallway, other students watching as the school’s bad boy and goddess interact

“do that again.” chan demanded to which yuri innocently tilted her head, confused like a little puppy. “do what?” “that... that thing.” when chan roared, tenma sunk into his seat with an embarrassed defense and explanation ready. but, when he looked, you finally cracked a laugh at his little roar

your smile only fell when yuri roared again as a joke, but chan smiled for once. tenma wondered why... he thought you would be so happy to be here with him. maybe, he’d never be better than jun...

when the episode ended, it took a moment before you stood up and clapped. tenma followed along, but all he could think about was how he let you down. not only as chan, but as your boy, too

when you two left the room, you two hung back to watch as everyone congratulated one another on the success of the production. in the midst of the cheer and celebration, tenma felt small as he watched your blank expression

what did he do wrong? he put his best efforts into every scene; he might even say it was his best work yet. before he could apologize, you did the unthinkable: you roared

you jumped up into his face, holding your hands up like yuri did. when yuri did it, tenma didn’t feel a thing. but, when you did, tenma felt it. the butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he stared at you, frozen in place

“this is the part where you ask me to do it again.” you shyly trailed off, about to put your hands down before tenma weakly put his hands up, knowing he was about to regret his next move (if the embarrassment didn’t kill him, he didn’t know what would)

“roar!”

that was too loud, wasn’t it? the room suddenly went a lot more quiet as they turned their attention towards a teen actor roaring at his date

“yah! why didn’t you ask me the next line?”

“b-because... i know i like you even without you doing, that, again.”

you paused, taken back by his honesty. as tenma contemplated just falling onto the floor right then and there, you suddenly hardened your expression, standing up straighter with your arms crossed

“do that again.”

“do what?”

“that thing.”

when tenma roared again, much quieter this time, you nodded as you finally smiled genuinely for the first time ever since that episode started

“good, i know how chan feels now. i like you, too.”

“does that mean i’m your favorite actor now?”

(when jun released a video of tenma roaring online, he captioned it with “ROAR = ILY!!!” tenma realized maybe he wasn’t all that bad, but still)

[radramblog]

Rating the letters of the alphabet

I feel like part of my style of comedy is just rambling about shit and making loose connections between things as part of an overall bit. I think. I’m no expert on myself, unfortunately.

The inspiration for the following absolute load of shite is trying to search Tiermaker for nothing. Like, no characters in the search bar. Didn’t come up with anything. Did a search for just a space. No dice. What about just a? Surely that’ll bring up everything with an A in the title. But it didn’t, and I was somewhat disappointed.

Then my head started writing bits about letters and that’s how we got here. This is probably really stupid, but maybe it’ll at least be fun. Wordplay is cool, though maybe not my strong suit? Anyway.

A: A is one of the two letters that’s also just a word, as you’ve just seen, giving it a necessary promotion in rank. Not a lot of things get to double up like that, though with the “an” ligature maybe it’s actually a double or nothing. But because of the confusing common connection crossing contexts for the character, it gets somewhat awkward to talk about the letter in conversation. An A, in my opinion, A does not get. 4/5.

B: B is also just a word letter but unlike A when you write it out you have to stick a few extra letters on to make it work, making it not as good. But B’s association with bees isn’t enough, because in the year of our lord, like, 2019 or something, it would become inextrixably linked with shite memes as the B emoji became king. And I just don’t respect that. It’s otherwise a fine letter, dragged down by its company. 2/5.

C: Oh come on now, the word doesn’t even have a C in it anymore! You can sea the see without any of our tertiary letter’s involvement whatsoever. Not to mention how its two main sounds are just copies from other letters wholesale. C must be confusing to non-english speakers, I’d imagine. C as a grade gets what C as a grade typically entails for many a schoolchild. 3/5.

D: It would be remiss of me not to give a sterling grade to the D. Why, none of us would be here without it. While many a youth may find the D to be quite a humourous subject, I assure you I’m taking it with the gravest of sincerity when I say the D has got to be one of the best letters of all.

And by D I mean deity, of course. Wait, what did you think I meant? 5/5.

E: The absolute absurdity that is the E meme elevates E efficiently enough to excel beyond many another vowel. However, it is also the single most common letter in the English language, going so far as to open the damn name. It’s to the point where someone made a point of writing an entire book without using it, and I think Gadsby is cool but mayhaps avoiding fifth uncial was a bit showy. I can’t help but mark it down for the sake of hipster cred. 3/5.

F: F is for Fuck. I like the word Fuck. F is for paying respects. I think the military-industrial complex has poisoned our cultural landscape to the point that a reference to one of its most prized productions’ awkward moments has become one of the most colloquially used meme letters in existence, And That’s Terrible. 3/5, I’m conflicted.

G: Man literally who the fuck cares about G. What is it even good for. Just an absolute waste of a letter, total shithouse. It’s NATO equivalent is Golf, the Worst Sport, too. Who asked for any of this? Just use a J instead, it’s cooler. 1/5.

H: I’ve seen “Hhh” used enough times in written forms of pornography to not consider it a Horny Letter. That and it, being short for Hentai, is often used to denote adult material in Japan. Basically what im saying is, I think this gets worse the less sex-positive you are. 6/9.

I: I think I’ve said enough about letter words already, but I is another high-tier one because like A I is just it’s own thing. It can also, however, be a bit confusing, looking just like an l a lot of the time, and having to constantly capitalise it is a pain in the ass. I also don’t have a particularly high opinion of myself, so a high opinion of I seems disingenuous. 3/5.

J: Clearly the best letter, hands down. I’m definitely not biased. There are so few letters as underappreciated by J- a fact many a person who’s had to do that “assign yourself an alliterative adjective” icebreaker game has had to reckon with. Because it appears to be a lot more popular with names than with words, and that just kind of sucks. 6/5.

K: K has in some circles managed to bump off its partner to become yet another letter word, though in a very informal abbreviated sense. However, when you’re looking into scientific fields, eventually said partner returns, having lost some weight on the trip down to absolute zero. This all makes complete sense in my head, and I’m sure is a lot less funny to anyone who doesn’t live there. 4/5.

L: I’d argue that L doesn’t cop its namesake. It’s a really useful letter, loads of words use it, especially in pairs, and my ADHD-brain thought it was fun to just say LLLLLLLLLLL for a bit while I was thinking about this so I guess that’s staying in now. Put me down as an L Lobbyist. 4/5.

M: Mmmmmm. M&Ms. But also it’s kind of a pain to write. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 3/5.

N: I’d like to fight whoever decided we should have two letters that sound so similar right bloody next to each other in the alphabet. Actually, who the fuck even decided the alphabet’s order to begin with? Maybe it should go M to N, that’ll bloody show you. 2/5.

O: Our fourth vowel, and perhaps one of the underappreciated ones. O is similarly a letter word, but a much more common one considering its use as an interjection. It’s also one half of a very powerful letter combo, as we’ll see. 4/5.

P: There’s the other half. Many a joke involves OP as a phrase, whether it mean overpowered or original poster, and the letters’ adjacency is a lovely bit of serendipity. Whenever I say P out loud, on its own, I have to resist the urge to do some incredibly shitty beatboxing, which may or may not be a good sign. 4/5.

Q: I was going to write some very harsh words about Q, and its dependency on U, but then I realised that that is probably hate speech against the disabled. It still sucks, though. 0/5.

R: R is the one I am most struggling to think of things to say about. R is another letter that’s just kinda there. I’m sure the Roberts and Rachels of the world would disagree with me, though. It’s also the name of a program that I know has traumatised a lot of young biologist wannabes, slapping us with a whole pile of maths and statistics when we just wanted to look at cool plants and shit. Or in my case, cool cells and shit. 2/5.

S: The most overrated consonant, but also the thing that makes plurals not a pain in the ass. However I’m going to lean towards giving S a positive rating, if only because it’s associated with snakesssss (and serpentine characters who can talk) and I like those. 3/5.

T: I don’t think T gets enough credit as one of the pillars of the English language. A lot of very common words feature it, and yet it feels like it never gets the same level of credit as big shots like S or half of the vowels. T is like the character actor of the alphabet, is basically what I’m saying. 4/5.

U: Ah, the letter Americans hate for some reason. I think this is actually commentary on the history of American politics. Because throughout history, America has been extremely selfish and self-centered, while attempting to present a positive image that people are finally seeing past. They only entered WWI and WWII when it was convenient for them, they started wars and initiated coups in even their allies for petty ideological reasons, and they’ve gone to war with several countries and funded wars with several others seeming just for shits and giggles. Because apparently if you’re not an American, then you’re not one of them, and that means they hate U. 4/5.

V: I actually think V is underrated. It’s a fun sound. That’s it, no joke here. It’s neat, I like it. 4/5.

W: This may come as a shock to you, but double-u over here is actually two Vs! unless you’re writing in cursive, but fuck cursive. The French actually have it right on this one, naming it double-v (pronounced doobleh-vay). Add in the fact that it’s literally just M upside down, and you’ve got a pretty shite letter. 1/5.

X: There’s a reason literally every “A is for Apple” thing you see made for kids uses Xylophone for X, and that’s because there are no commonly used words that start with it. Seriously, it’s all just scientific terms- I’d argue X-Ray is more common than Xylophone in common parlance, but also, who wants to explain imaging to a kid. It doesn’t even get a second page of words on Dictionary.com. X also has implications as a letter word, that I’d rather avoid at the moment. 2/5.

Y: Ah, Ygreck, everyone’s favourite “what the fuck, France?” moment. Between that and being sorta kinda not really a vowel, Y prompts its own question more often than I’d care to admit. 2/5.

Z: As a (technical) member of the generation associated with this letter- on the one hand, I’m sorry, on the other, y’all have it coming. The final letter of the alphabet, one of the other ones worth 10 in scrabble (and yet X isn’t???), and one we probably got pretty sick of in the early 00s when it was everywhere- ironically, when most of the generation was getting born. 2/5.

And that’s the lot of them. I hope this didn’t alienate any non-English speakers too hard. It’s probably fine.

Join me for more bullshit next time I have another stupid idea. I mean, tomorrow.

[reveriesofawriter]

alright here we go: 4, 13, 16 (i may be baiting you slightly. or indulging depending how you take this), 30, 32 i love you very much xoxo bella

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

you expect me to remember the titles of fics? (answering all the questions under a break bc I don’t know how to be concise)

not to be a copycat but daydream fic oh my god you know those songs that have such a specific and deliberate vibe that feel unbroachable because there’s no way to write something that fits it perfectly and it deserves nothing less than perfect? a daydream away is one of those songs and the tone of the song got stretched out to full story length like a warm quilt that just kept growing to the perfect size it’s so good

can I link a whole series? I think about sam’s bach au so much it lives in my head, I know so little about the actual bachelor universe but especially now that she’s kinda living her own fic it brings me so much joy and was also the first thing of sam’s I ever read I think, also it’s really funny how she accidentally wrote two jalexes without thinking about it

this fic that I never remember the name of but I think of as the dodie fic even tho peyton has written more than one fic with a dodie title, I read it before I knew peyton, back when they were one of bella’s anons, and I remember being so impressed and wondering why they didn’t want anyone to know who they were bc it was just so good and it’s so creative in the way it incorporates books into the story

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

if they’re complete ideas that are longer than I think I can write in a day or two yes I will outline them, if they’re not complete ideas I’ll jot down a summary of the idea at the top of a doc and use it as a reference but those are usually not very helpful and rarely end up going anywhere. my current wip has a separate 8k outline doc that is pretty comprehensive, I think it would lead to a satisfying conclusion even without reading the story itself, tho the story is shaping up quite nicely I’m excited about it

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching?

I am interpreting this as bait thank you bella. is it still a rabbit hole if it’s productive and leads to plot breakthroughs? I currently have 3 tabs open on music, 2 on 90s tech, and 5 on lgbt movements/history :)) this wasn’t a result of a rabbit hole adventure but this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Patch_(bar) is one of the best fun facts I know that is slightly relevant to the research I’m doing

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

no context but I am so proud of these two paragraphs

In the distance, at the edge of the yard where the dying lawn gave way to the wooden fence, fireflies floated up and down against the darkness. It had taken one mistake as a kid for Alex to learn that jars of fireflies need holes in the lid to keep them alive. He and Jack had spent hours catching them on summer nights like this when they were younger. Whoever caught the most before Jack had to go home was the winner and got to decide whether they kept the bugs in their jars or released them. Funnily enough, Alex had always been the one to want to let them go back then. Jack would hold tight to his jar until Alex told him he had to follow the rules and then they’d let them go all at once, watching the light show as the fireflies thanked their lucky stars that Jack had lost. When Jack won, Alex would keep his jar on his bedside table, watching the lights flicker and dance until his eyes drifted shut.

Alex thought from that to once when he was even younger, before he moved to this neighborhood, his grandma had told him to stay very still with the lightning bugs because if one of them landed on you, it would give you good luck. Alex could never quite stay still enough, but the luck must have found him anyway.

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

this is hard because some of my favorite things I’ve written are just quippy exchanges and it’s hard to copy and paste full conversations here. this one from my jalex/malum one, idk why I like it so much it just feels natural but then I love most of their back and forth in this, they’re so easy to write and so fun

“Ah, yes, us. The experts on how to date your friends.”

“That’s us.” Jack wraps his arms around Alex’s waist and looks up at him. “We should get business cards made.”

can I say the entirety of starlight fic? my favorite part of it is the structure more than any one line but this just feels so 🥺

What he really wants is to pull Alex to the upper deck with a couple glasses of champagne and face the cool air head-on, to say yes he’s tired of pretending but it has nothing to do with all those other people and more to do with how easy it was to fall into a lie in front of them, and one lie in particular.

what if I threw one of sam’s lines in here from all too well fic? no one would know except her 👀

Jack can’t remember what he was talking about but he remembers Alex kissing the back of his hand, remembers looking over at Alex for half a second too long and hitting the brake a little too hard so he didn’t drive straight through a red light, remembers his heart pounding from a mix of his own bad driving and Alex’s guilty smile, still holding Jack’s hand, tighter than ever.

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 192

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 43 - “Komachi’s Resolve and Nuts’s Future” Date watched: 9 June 2020 Original air date: 9 December 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/iT40izm Transformation Gallery: https://imgur.com/a/6k6SzS0 Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

Poor Komachi. She was once so eager to write her love story, inspired by her feelings for Nuts and his unconditional support for her. Now she’s struggling with it, because she’s started to realize what her real-life conclusion is going to look like...

The Plot

Komachi is in the library, trying to write, but the words won’t come, and she looks very forlorn. Karen sympathetically suggests she talk to Nuts for advice, but she hastily rejects that idea, insisting she needs to finish the story herself. When they get to Natts House, Urara asks her about her book, and Komachi gets flustered and embarrassed talking about it. Urara asks if it’s based on anything, which Komachi ardently denies as she steals a glance at Nuts, and then she hastily turns around and goes home. Karen noticed Komachi’s wandering eyes and turns to look at Nuts as well, starting to put the pieces together.

Over in Nightmare, Kawarino bemoans to Hadenya about how he has to present the black paper to someone, and she says whoever it is should be glad because it enhances their abilities and they’ll surely be able to bring down Precure. Kawarino is so relieved to hear this, and he reveals it’s for her. Her mood changes instantly, as she swats away the black paper and storms out of Nightmare, insisting that she doesn’t need it. However, when we next see her, sitting on a park bench, she admits she didn’t really have a plan when she left and she needs a way to follow up that dramatic exit. Just then she sees a pigeon pecking at a Pinky, right in front of her, and she gets an idea...

At school, Komachi opens up to Karen about her specific problem. She explains how she used to be overflowing with ideas but now they’re gone. She wants to make “his” dream come true, but she knows that when she does, he’ll have to go far away. She tries to explain she’s talking about the characters in her story, but it’s clear she really means Nuts. She admits that if their farewell never arrived, she’d be fine with that, and Karen insightfully says that she may not know about the last scene, but it does sound like how it plays out will be up to Komachi. In the story, of course.

Later, at Natts House, Nozomi and Urara are berating Nuts for not going out of his way to help Komachi. He insists that giving unasked for advice is being nosy, while they say he needs to understand her feelings. Karen arrives and gently assures everyone that Komachi can find her own solution to her problem.

Nonetheless, Nuts shows up to find Komachi sitting on a park bench (what is it with park benches lately?) and he talks to her, promising to do anything he can to help. They have a really heartfelt conversation where he explains he’s nice to her because he’s powerless in other ways, so he does what he can to help her because she’s fighting so hard to help him. Komachi breaks down in tears, upset that he’s so nice while she was only able to think about herself, and she admits that she was afraid to talk to him about her concerns, because talking about it would make it real to her, and her potential future would crumble away with the knowledge that he has to leave.

Nuts placates her, saying she’ll find an ending that works for her, and she should stop worrying. (it sounds insensitive but in context it’s very sweet)

At that moment, Hadenya shows up and scoffs that she’d be happy to crush whatever future they have together and shows off the Pinky she’s captured. Nozomi, Rin, Urara, Karen, Coco, and Milk all show up and transform while Hadenya is in the middle of gloating. Annoyed, she turns the Pinky into a Kowaina, which takes the form of a giant concrete block that immediately falls on top of everyone. They avoid it, and Dream, Rouge, and Lemonade fight the monster while Mint protects all the fairies from Hadenya, who is trying to snatch the Dream Collet from Nuts. Hadenya continues to degrade Komachi’s dreams of happiness, and Aqua joins Mint in fighting the villain. Hadenya and the Kowaina manage to overpower Mint and break her barrier, leaving her exhausted. Hadenya scoffs some more at the idea that they’re protecting Coco and Nuts’s “worthless” dream, but Dream, Rouge, and Aqua show up to defend their friend and explain how reviving Palmier Kingdom is their shared dream. Komachi looks at her teammates fighting so hard for her sake and finds new strength within her, and manages to restrain Hadenya long enough for Dream, Rouge, and Lemonade to destroy the Kowaina mask and save the Pinky. Lemonade and Aqua notice Mint’s shield has appeared over her head as she blocks and fights Hadenya, suggesting she’s channeling her barrier powers into her body to overpower the villain. Hadenya tires to use strong air currents to outclass the Precures, but Mint holds her ground. Aqua uses Aqua Tornado to halt Hadenya’s charge, and Mint summons the Mint Leaf directly in front of her, unleashing a point-blank Mint Shield on Hadenya that blows her away as it expands.

Hadenya flees and when the smoke clears, a huge crater is left in the ground. Dream collects the Pinky.

A later date, at school, Karen visits Komachi again and realizes she isn’t writing anything. Komachi admits she’s decided to put her story aside for now, but she’ll be sure to find a conclusion that suits her, and the two share a half-hearted smile.

The Analysis

This is a good episode, but it’s a bittersweet one. Komachi seems to be the frequent subject of bittersweet plots, because they really want to emphasize to the audience that hey, writing is difficult, and so is navigating your emotions. When these struggles meet, well, the results aren’t pretty. Obviously, Komachi’s novel has always overlapped with her relationship with Nuts, and as she’s gotten to the departure and farewell scenes, she’s starting to realize what Coco realized a few episodes ago: that the closer they are to finding all the pinkies, the closer they are to saying goodbye, and Komachi is afraid and unsure how to put that into writing. She is afraid to write a conclusion, because that means acknowledging that her own relationship will come to an end, which she isn’t ready for. It’s a moving exploration of writer’s block, which is a particularly resonant phenomenon to me as I’ve been struggling to write this particular review. Anyway, her choice to simply set the book aside for now is somewhat astonishing. It’s a mature and somewhat sad direction for a generally optimistic kids’ show to take, but I respect it that much more for not taking the easy road and saying “Komachi magically found a solution to her ongoing troubles with little difficulty.” Sometimes there aren’t easy answers to complex problems, and since the matter of her book was causing her far too much emotional stress, Komachi decided it was best for her mental health to shelve it. Telling suggestible audiences that this is sometimes an acceptable solution is important.

I do love the positive message, though. The uplifting and encouragement she receives from Nuts especially is really inspiring. His explanation for why he helps Komachi so much is emotionally resonant, as he says he’s weak in other areas so he helps where he can. He is still plagued by guilt for his role in the destruction of Palmier Kingdom, which informs his actions now, and he wants to do everything he can to help Komachi since she’s helping to restore his home. His support for her, and his reinforcement that all of her friends support her allows her to overcome her self-doubt in the battle against Hadenya. It’s also a clever reversal of her role in the team. Normally she wants to protect everyone, but in this episode, she’s the one who needs to be protected while she’s emotionally vulnerable, and the others are happy to help lift her spirits. Karen, her oldest friend, sees Komachi hurting and makes it a point to help her during the fight, double teaming Hadenya when Komachi can’t take her alone, and offering her the last push of encouragement she needs to power through.

Speaking of the fight, it’s a good battle. The Kowaina that just bodyslams indiscriminately is hilarious and what I expected out of the Kowaina from ep 40. Dream, Rouge, and Lemonade have to get creative when fighting it and it results in cool moments like Dream being trapped as it falls and the others having to save her before they hit the ground.

Obviously the main event is Mint’s fight against Hadenya, and it’s intense, with the general mostly having the upper hand despite being assaulted by both Mint and Aqua. When Hadenya kicks the barrier hard enough to break it (with some help from the falling Kowaina), it’s a visual metaphor for Komachi’s spirit breaking, but the follow up where Aqua encourages her turns her mood around results in a fantastic scene where Mint effortlessly blocks Hadenya’s attacks and then uses Mint Shield on her at point blank range, launching her into the atmosphere and creating a huge crater in the ground. THAT is badass.

I love this kind of creative use of their abilities and I wish we’d see it a bit more often. Between the emotional resonance and the incredible physical fighting, this might be one of my favorite battles from this season.

I want to briefly mention that Karen clearly understands the root of Komachi’s concerns, and knows she’s not just talking about her book. I think Komachi knows that she knows, but continues to describe it in terms of her novel for plausible deniability. This might be Karen’s first time realizing Komachi has feelings for Nuts but she definitely knows, and all her advice to Komachi is predicated on helping her friend with her real relationship woes. She’s a good friend to have around. I also love the use of lighting during most of their conversations, the twilight scenes are always beautiful and of course it lets them play with light and shadow in creative ways. When they’re talking in the library, Komachi is mostly seen in shadow, representing her sadness and uncertainty, while Karen is in the light, as the beacon of hope that can help her. After Karen offers her advice to Komachi, she is half-lit, as she’s beginning to come out of her sadness.

And lastly some bookkeeping. Hadenya was given a black mask today, but rejected it, and then failed when she went out to try to collect the Dream Collet. This is typical of her bravado and pride, but suffice to say this isn’t going to end well for her in the next episode.

Next time on Precure Daily, Milk tries to figure out just what a good caretaker is supposed to be like, and the answer may surprise you. Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 0 Kettei!

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Mindful Confrontation

Written as a request from @heavy-metal-papillon who not only supplied the requested plot but creatively reconstructed the song Confrontation from Jeckyll and Hyde to fit the context of the story. This was a lot of fun to write, thank you for requesting it! I hope it fits what you had in mind.

Summary: Thomas' friends convince him to check out a new karaoke bar and encourage him to perform. Technical difficulties make improv imperative for the show to go on but can singing really settle the warring landscape?

Warnings: anxiety induced spiraling thoughts, if there are more please let me know

Ships: none

WC: 2, 389

The bar is loud as Thomas makes his way to an empty booth lead expertly by Joan and Talyn. Nerves twisted in his gut as he took in how large it actually was on the inside, the stage set up for karaoke sitting front and center with the tables placed strategically so no ones view would be blocked. He took a deep breath as he settled himself on the cushioned bench, reminding himself that he needed this.

It had been Joan's idea initially, taking him to a karaoke bar to loosen up after the stress they'd both been under lately. Supposedly they served good food and the regular performers were worth the watch.

"Sing if you want." Joan had said. "Everyones really nice and would love to hear someone new onstage."

Thomas glanced at them now, happily skimming through the menu and pointing things out to Talyn who nodded along as best they could over the noise. It seemed like the performing wouldnt be starting for a while yet...which reminded him...

"I'm gonna go sign up, be back in a minute." Joan looked up and smiled, they and their date mate giving enthusiastic thumbs up. Turning with a grin, Thomas straightened his shirt and made his way over to the side stage where a small line had already started forming.

-------

In the mindscape, Janus sat on the couch a little ways away from a pouting Roman, watching Virgil fidget endlessly with the sleeves of his hoodie and wear a literal hole in the floor with his pacing. Being in someone's head was an odd thing at times.

"You can't possibly expect us to do this! Theres so many people we dont know hear!"

"Wouldn't that be beneficial to us? There's a good chance this is the first and last time wed see any of them." Janus replied smoothly.

Ignoring him, Virgil continued on. "What if Thomas's voice cracks? What if the song glitches and he's left singing with no music and then it picks up and it'll be out of sync and he freezes because it's confusing and everyone laughs? What if we don't know the lyrics as well as we thought we did and the screen cuts out and we forget the song and everyone laughs? What if we try to move around and trip because the stage is unfamiliar and we fall off and break our neck and the last thing we ever did was sing a shitty song at a shitty bar and-"

"Everyone laughs?" Janus finished dryly.

"Why would someone laugh at our death? What are you trying to say you vile vindictive villain?!" Roman leapt from the couch making Virgil flinch as a samurai sword appeared in his hand to point at the deceitful side.

"Vindictive? The only revenge I'm seeking today is on whoever decided the shirt Thomas is wearing should be seen in public after having worn it two days in a row already."

"We were in a hurry and he barely wore it in those two days since he spent most of them sleeping! It's fine!"

"We already wore the shirt?! What if people can tell it hasn't been washed? What if someone sees the wrinkles and decides we're an unclean slob? What if-"

"Virgil! Breathe please." At the reminder Virgil began his standard breathing exercise as Janus poked the tip of the sword still pointing at his face and lowered it to a non threatening level. "And Roman, do keep waving around a dangerous weapon it totally isn't making Virgil's anxiety worse."

Grumbling Roman snapped the sword back out of existence and plopped back down on the couch. Sighing Janus tuned back into what Thomas was doing just as he was looking through the song list. A song leapt out at him almost immediately, making Janus send the suggestion quietly to their manifestor for consideration, smiling as it was chosen and they began walking back towards the booth.

"I believe you'll like the choice in song Roman. Perhaps you can vent a bit."

Raising an eyebrow Roman quickly concentrated to bring himself up to speed on what had transpired while he was sulking.

"A little on the nose isn't it?" Virgil paused his pacing at Roman's snide remark, tilting his head in question.

"Jeckyll and Hyde's Confrontation?" That's technically a duet right? How the hell is that going to work?"

"I'm sure Roman can manage. Unless he wants one of us to help?" Janus peered out from under the rim of his hat at the side on question who was currently scowling over at him.

"Why don't you both help sing it? That way you can both work out whatever it is you need to. Roman's good on stage and Janus...you know the musical right? Oh God you do know it right because if you just picked it at random-"

"Relax Fidget and Hide it'll be fine." Roman scowl turned smug at the word play that Virgil didn't bother responding to, instead shooting Janus a final panicked glanced before going back to...well...fidgeting.

------

Thomas fidgeted in the booth nervously, making Talyn glance over in worry.

"You okay? It's a pretty big crowd, you can still back out if it makes you nervous."

Thomas felt a sliver of false reassurance curl around his tongue, opening his mouth almost against his will as he smiled convincingly.

"I'm fine really. It is a big crowd, but I feel like this will be good for me you know?"

"Yeah man, you really need to get out more." Joan flashed him a smile that let Thomas know he was mostly kidding, which he appreciated. Breathing deep he reminded himself to thank Janus later. A fleeting feeling of gratitude that wasn't his own welled in his chest and he smiled to himself. Message recieved apparently.

The performers were great, some obvious regulars and some anxious newbies but the mix didn't dampen his enjoyment in the slightest. As the music swelled around him he felt himself relaxing, grinning as someone started in on an Evenescence song that he knew would appeal to his youngest side. He could imagine the emo sitting in all his glory wherever they went when not manifested in front of him. As they got further down the list however his nerves began to fray. Any moment now his name would be called and he'd have to go onstage in front of so many new faces and he'd done it before but that had been performances and this was a bar and-

"Thomas." He whipped his head around to see Joan pointing at the stage. "They called your name! Break a leg!"

Smiling nervously, he stood and quickly made his way to the stage, wiping sweaty palms on his already sweaty jeans to a smattering of applause as the audience realized the person who was called was about to go on.

Just imagine them naked. Impatiently he shook the Intrusive thought away and zeroed in on the blank screen. A tech worker jogged up to him and his heart dropped. Surely not-

"I apologize but we've been having problems with the screen lately and it stopped working for the night. You're welcome to use your phone or forfeit if you'd be uncomfortable."

A sudden surge of confidence had words spilling of their own accord, barely there panic twisting his stomach. "It's okay. I can handle it."

The music began low and he drew in a steadying breath, opening his mouth where he knew the lyrics started.

------

"The screen died? What kind of hellscape is this?! I told you, I said what if the screen dies though I guess it didnt happen while we were singing but still! Do you even know the lyrics?" Roman shrugged where he stood in front of the couch, unfazed by circumstance.

"We'll figure it out Nightmare on Emo Street, calm down."

"Figure it-what do you mean you'll figure it out?"

The music started and Roman simply took a stance and began to sing, the sorrowful tone matched by his deep base vibrating the mind scape pleasantly.

"It’s over now, from what I know.

This world’s not what it seems.

It hurts that he would stoop so low.

A fatal blow for one poor dashing Prince."

Janus raised an eyebrow as he sat up straighter. Improv. Impressive. Beside him, Virgil groaned and hid his face, seemingly content to wait out whatever horror he percieved this to be.

"They do not see my tragedy,

Do not see my intent.

The stain of this snake’s evil

Would forever kill the good we all had meant."

Janus narrowed his eyes as Roman turned to him fully, the intent and purpose of the lyrics clear to him now as the Prince lamented on.

"Am I a good man?

Am I a bad man?

Eternal question. But will the answer ever…?"

The last note lingered as Janus stood. Fine, he thought. If this is how he wants to play it, I'll give him something to kick at.

"Do you really think

That I would ever let this go?

Do you think without me he’ll be free?"

He smirked knowingly as Roman stepped back, twisting Hyde's words into something closer to himself to throw back.

"If you do, I’m sad to say

It simply isn’t so.

You will never block his life from me!"

Roman glared and stood straighter, sweeping his arm as if to banish the other from his sight.

"All that he needs is to look in a mirror.

Good, honest life – and you’ll disappear!"

"I was the one who did give him that mirror,

So, I’m afraid, I will still be here."

"All that you’ll do is make our life a nightmare,

All you’ll achieve is high self-esteem!

All that I wanted for him – to chase his dream!"

Janus grimaced as he caught sight of angry tears gathering in Roman's eyes. Hardening his resolve, he clenched his fists to glare right back, refusing to back down from what this simple karaoke had become.

"Will you ever catch it, friend?

This chase will never end!

His procrastination still goes on!

So, I want to stay,

No matter how you may object!

I can give him power to move on."

His tone begged to be listened to, pleading eyes catching the royals in an effort to make him understand. He took a step back as a sword was once again pressed alarmingly close to his face.

"Soon you’ll slip up and deceive us all over!

We can’t allow you to have control!"

"Roman, hold on, move your train of thought slower,

For all I know, we’re all parts of his soul."

"He doesn’t need you to live, like he needs me,

He can be whole with no selfish snake!

Getting rid of you will be a piece of cake!"

His staff materialized in his hand as he brought it sweeping down to catch the blade safely in its crook, slamming the tip down into the floor as he delivered the next verse.

"I’ll stay among you forever!"

"No!" Roman desperately tugged at his weapon, gritting his teeth as it refused to budge.

With a sweep of his arm the sword was free from the floor, twisting in the air before crashing beside the couch, staff now jabbed painfully close to Roman's face. "Keep in mind that I earned my seat."

"No!" Roman lunged, but Janus hooked his arm and dragged him to the side with minimal effort.

"And I’ll make it my new endeavor

To guide him and prove to you all that

I’m more than Deceit!" Stalking forward, the staff's crook was jammed under Roman's chin as he stared down at him backed into a wall, eyes wide but devoid of fear as he seemed to consider the words before shaking them off.

"Will you stop? It’s

Over now! It’s time to go!"

Roman grabbed the staff and yanked it sideways, making Janus lose his grip and stumble to come face to face with his adversary.

Smirking he bowed low. "Oh no, no, after you!"

"If I go you'll go too!"

"I’ll just shapeshift and I’ll be you."

"No! Deciet, leave him be!"

"Can’t you see? He needs me!"

"No! Stop this fight!"

"I'm his side! I won't hide!"

"No never!"

"Yes forever!"

"Give up, you snake! Crawl back to whatever hole you came from!" Roman shoved forward and practically snarled out his last line, towering over a fallen Janus.

"You’ll get there too, Roman." Hat swept somewhere unknown he simply stared at the other, chests heaving in sync as the anger finally eased, if only by a fraction.

A chuckle bubbled up in his chest, starting Roman who took a second to consider him before a grin split his face as well. The tension snapped as laughter filled the space between them, Roman doubling over as tears dripped down his face.

"What the hell did we just do?"

Janus cackled and shook his head. "Created a masterpiece that's going to raise questions I'm sure."

"Hey you morons, you do realize you had Thomas sing that right? You're weird venty improv was just projected to an entire bar!" They both looked up at Virgils outburst to see the side in question shaking on the couch, beside him a grinning Remus shoveling (popcorn?) into his mouth. Patton stood beside them starry eyed and smiling while Logan remained at the table with a questioning look that seemed to suggest he had missed most of the context for the scene in front of him. Janus and Roman spared eachother another look before bursting into another fit of laughter.

------

"Sooo....didn't know the song huh?" Joan asked curiously as Thomas sat down. At his head shake, they simply grinned. "The improv was seriously impressive though. Janus and Roman? Genius!"

Thomas grinned sheepishly as his nerves finally settled, his smile wavering as another set of emotions came forth he didn't recognize.

"Hey, you okay?"

A feeling of peace settled over him like a blanket of fresh snow, crisp and clean as his mind cleared for what felt like the first time in weeks. A genuine smile stretched across his face as he answered.

"Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I'm great actually." He sat back and relaxed, looking at Talyn and Joan in turn.

"I feel better."

This work along with other one shots is available on AO3!

[softstraykidsimagines]

Variety show

Summary: You and Jeongin, by some happy (or not?) coincidence, ended up on the same variety show, but could you both keep your relationship a secret with prying questions?

Requested: yes

Pairing: Jeongin x Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, idol AU

Word count: 3.5k words

Warnings: written at 11pm, so probs sometimes weird sounding and im too tired to check

A/N: 1) don’t even ask me abt the group name idek what i was thinking. 2) DAmn sON i didn’t mean to make it this long. 3) fun fact: at first this was gonna be a comedic bulletpoint story, then i changed it to a feeble emotional roller coaster (i really do mean feeble af). 4) i hope you like it <33

MASTERLIST

“Please welcome our wonderful guests, Five Times Brighter!!!”, called the MC, followed by the cheers from the audience. One by one your group members and yourself filed out onto the small stage to greet the crowd. You were quickly ushered into a seat, where you could witness the sheer amount of people who had come to watch, obscured slightly by the blinding glare of the stage lights.

You felt your throat tighten. This better work out, you thought, feeling ill at ease by knowing there must have been at least ten cameras pointed at you and your comrades. What would we do if anyone found out? You shook your head violently with a pout. Stop it. Nothing’s gonna happen. You’re overreacting...

You were jolted out of your thoughts by the voice of the MC as he raised his voice again. “And now please welcome the rookie legends themselves! The great award winners, Stray Kids!!!” The room erupted into screams of fans as the nine handsome boys jogged out from backstage.

Your stomach did an uncomfortable somersault. Don’t make eye contact! If you do, someone will definitely notice!! Then you’re finished!!! You mentally slapped yourself and took a deep breath. You then realized that you’d placed your index and middle finger against your throat, an uncanny imitation of Felix taking his pulse as he became nervous. You’d somehow picked up the habit from the cute Aussie boy as you hung out with him at the same time as Jeongin. With a gulp, you slammed your hand back onto your lap and stared unemotionally at the boys as they sat on the other couch across from you from the MC’s center chair.

When everyone had sat down, the room went annoyingly quiet. You swallowed back anger as you waited for the MC to ask something and distract you. Finally:

“First, I’d like to ask both groups if they could tell us what inspired certain songs in their album”. Some applause followed as you forced your muscles to relax. “Should we ask FTB first?” The crowd cheered.

Your smile started becoming a little more genuine. Nothing bad, just a mindless answer to your average question. The ‘What inspired you to write X’ question was always a default for some reason. But at least it was eas-

“Y/n!” The blood drained from your face at your name. Oh... oh no... “A little birdie told me”, the MC said cheekily, “that you wrote one of the most successful songs on the album. ‘Winged love’, wasn’t it?”

You started to loath the MC, or whoever had decided that that specific question would be a good one. It’s true, you had written and composed the song, but your inspiration was exactly what you wanted to avoid, as your mind flashed to moment you got the idea for the lyrics.

~~~~~~~~~

“Try to pick your feet up a bit more here”, you said, poking Jeongin’s leg as he posed awkwardly in front of the practice room mirror. He groaned in retaliation, muscles trembling from exhaustion.

“I can’t do it”, he whined. “It’s useless. Just go on without me and practice on your own. You’ll do so much better without me dragging you down”.

You scoffed without any amusement. “Like Hell I will. I’m staying right here until you can get this. I said I’d help, so I’m helping”. He gave you a pitiful look, and you smiled softly. “Let’s take a break, then. I’ve got biscuits!”

“I don’t usually eat at this hour”, Jeongin said hesitantly.

“You don’t usually practice at this hour”, you answered matter-of-factually. You didn’t wait for an answer and dragged your boyfriend down to the floor, rolling to your side and grabbing a huge packet full of snacks and tearing it open mercilessly. You offered one to the boy in front of you, who conceded with a sigh. “Cheers!” You knocked your biscuit against his, making a couple of crumbs fall to the ground, and shoved the entire thing into your mouth. Jeongin stared at you until you made a face, cookie still lodged between your cheeks, making him burst into laughter. You fought not to spit your snack out as you sniggered with him.

“How do you do that”, he asked.

“Mmmfmm ru wha”, you said, still trying to down your food.

“Always find a way to make me feel so much better, no matter how battered I feel”, he said, mesmerized. You stared at him uselessly, so he continued. “When I’ve been at my worst, or when I’ve felt like giving up, you’ve been there to pick me up. You’re like my pair of wings”. You stayed quiet, scared to knock him out of his reverie. He smiled faintly. “At this point, I could jump off a mountain, trusting you to catch me if you said you would. And I always feel safe with you. No matter what scares me, I feel better when you’re next to me, as if you’ve become a hypothetical shield. And I want to be the same, I want to always be there for you, whenever you’re feeling down, I want to be the first person you think of going to”. He suddenly curled his fingers and squeezed his eyes shut. “That was so cringey I’m sorry”.

You giggled softly and wrapped your arms around him, resting your head on his shoulder. “It’s a little cliche, I admit. But it’s the best kind of cliche. Because I feel the same way”. You lifted your head kissed his cheek. “I’ll always be right here. And I’ll always trust you to be there too”.

~~~~~~~~~

Your eyes came back into focus, as your mind started racing, scrounging for a decent story that could convince the public that it had nothing to do with the very boy who was sitting only five feet from you.

“Uh-uhhh”, your mind became completely blank. “My... One of my old friends”. You cleared your throat. “Whenever she was upset, I would want to do anything to make her feel better. And I did do some pretty stupid things”. You smiled sheepishly at the pitch black half of the room where the fans giggled in reaction to your stutter. Your confidence grew as you continued: “The lyrics represent what I wanted to be to her. I wanted her to feel as if she could trust me with anything at all. As if I could always pick her up if she felt low”. You finished and prayed that it was enough.

The MC nodded, thoughtful. “So she never said the things in the lyrics out loud?”

You shook your head. “She wasn’t the most extroverted person”, you answered. “But I hope that that’s how she felt”. At that, everyone seemed satisfied and applauded. You bobbed your head, looking back at your clenched fists in your lap. I’ve gotta be more careful. One slip-up and I’m in deep-

“How about our favorite maknae”, the MC laughed, turning to SKZ. Your pulse went sky-high again.

-shit.

Jeongin let his eyes go wide, and pointed at himself. “Na?” He asked in an innocent voice. Despite your nerves going crazy, you managed to chuckled along with everyone else at the cute act.

The MC wasn’t an exception, though he quickly regained his posture. “Yes, I believe it was you who wrote the song ‘Midnight Walk’, am I correct?”

The boy nodded with a bright smile. “That’s right! And the first ever song where I wrote one hundred percent of the lyrics!!” He glowed with pride, and a secret burst of happiness for him shot through you. You could still remember when he’d told you about his accomplished goal.

~~~~~~~~~

You swung your hand, latched onto Jeongin’s, back and forth as you both strolled down an empty trail that ran along the Han River. “So?”, you prompted.

He looked back at you. “What?” He was playing innocent. Of course he was. You giggled and started swinging your connected hands even more, feeling blood rush through your slightly chilled fingers. Without speaking, you both started skipping forward, bumping each other and giggling like children. You loved that. That you could both move in sync without having to communicate. This continued until you pulled him to a stop.

“Okay, now actually tell me. What did you wanna say earlier. You looked as if you were about to explode with excitement”.

Jeongin grinned happily. “I...” he spoke excruciatingly slowly. “...have written.... my own song! And it’s gonna be on the next album!!!!!” At this, he picked you up and spun you around, until you felt too dizzy to stand on your own.

You laughed with him, and leaned on him. “Jeonginie, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you”. You kept clinging onto him. “What’s it called?”

“I haven’t decided yet”, he confessed. He was quiet for a moment. “Do you think I could name it after a fun memory with you? Without being too obvious, that is”.

You nodded. “Yeah, I think you could get away with it”.

And so he grinned broadly. “Okay, then. How about I call it midnight walk, after tonight?”

“Why tonight of all things? We’re just walking”, you asked incredulously.

“Because the simplest memories with you are the best”, he answered, squealing a bit at the overly sweet phrase.

You laughed. “Alright then. Are you allowed to spoil a few lyrics for me?”

“Of course”, said Jeongin, hoisting you up so that he was half carrying you. “It’s my song after all”. His voice went up a notch with happiness. “A few lines feel a bit random, without context; but just remember that I thought of you while writing them”. You hugged his arm until you thought you might be cutting his circulation. As you both kept walking, you slowly regained your balance and he listed a few lines from his oeuvre. That was the best walk at 1:30am you’d ever had.

~~~~~~~~~

Jeongin was still beaming at the MC, who began fanning himself dramatically. “His smile is so blinding”, he called, and there came calls of agreement from the audience. “But you still haven’t answered”. The room went silent again. “What inspired you to write the lyrics of ‘Midnight Walk’?”

Jeongin gave another dazzling smile. “It was a lot of different things; it took months of me scribbling down random ideas to be able to form something logical”.

The MC nodded again. “Of course, the lyrics do vary a lot. But I think we’re more interested in the more romantic sounding ones in the song”. The crowd ooh-ed, as if confirming the statement.

Your boyfriend grinned once more. “Well, those specific lines are dedicated to someone very special in my life”.

NO! You had to bite your tongue to stop yourself from yelling aloud. He knew about the warnings, as well as you.

~~~~~~~~~

“Both Stray Kids and Five Times Brighter Will be on a variety show on the second weekend of the month”, stated one of your managers, standing next to JYP himself. Everyone nodded together as the schedule was recited in its entirety. It was all standard, except for the fact that the two groups had never been on a same show.

As the schedule came to its end, both groups dispersed to continue practice, but JYP called Jeongin and yourself aside. “I’d like to specify something”, he said in a tone that let you know that nothing good was coming. “When you’re both on that variety show in the middle of the month, I don’t even want you two to make eye contact. We don’t want anyone knowing about your relationship. I’m warning you now, keep it under wraps, and there won’t be any problems”.

You and Jeongin nodded, eyes round. As JYP finally walked away, you turned to your boyfriend. “Why the Hell does he want us to stay a secret?”, you failed terribly at keeping the anger out of your voice. “You’re allowed to be dating by now, so am I. No one needs to know that we started going out before my ban was up. So what’s his problem?”

Jeongin pulled you against him. “I don’t know, but let’s just do as he said. I don’t wanna think about what could happen if something goes wrong”. You eventually agreed, still grudging.

“It’s still unfair that we have to hide when we’re so happy”.

~~~~~~~~~

The memory raged in your mind, nearly as loud as the screams of shock that wracked the studio at Jeongin’s words. Everyone stared at him with wide eyes, as he smiled calmly. Jeongin, what are you going??!!!!

“They’re dedicated to someone special in my life”. He had to raise his voice to make himself heard. “Whom I’ve not met yet”. There was a collective gasp at the strange turn in his statement. “One day, I want to be able to say those things to the love of my life, on a walk at one in the morning”.

Everyone aah-ed in understanding, and you let out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding. You weren’t sure if you wanted to smack him or kiss him, but at least no one suspected anything anymore. And he’d very secretly hinted at the walk when he shared the lyrics with you, in the dead of night. Your heart swelled with warmth and love for the boy.

“Look at y/n, they’re blushing!”, yelled the MC. You were so shocked that you yelled out as everyone shouted teasingly. The MC started laughing. “Are you thinking of anyone in particular, y/n? Anyone you’d like to take a midnight walk with?” Electricity filled the air.

None of your damn business, you thought hotly. But of course it was. Your entire life was not yours to control, but the public’s. You made a face as if you’d swallowed a particularly sour lemon, which incidentally seemed to be a pretty good answer for the public.

“Apparently, y/n isn’t at all interested in a relationship”, chuckled the MC. He quickly continued with a bunch of other standard questions, and you imagined the different ways you could smack him and still get away with it. Maybe I should throw a bucket of water at him, then he wouldn’t be so obnoxiously happy, you thought, in your own world.

You werre making eye-contact with Jeongin, and realized with a start that you’d been staring at him this entire time. You checked that no one had remarked, but the cameras were strained on Changbin as he complained about being woken up too harshly by Woojin, to the amusement of most. You quickly stole another look at your boyfriend but, almost too subtle to notice, he shook his head, looking a bit panicky. You immediately understood and glanced elsewhere, trying to act interested in some tangled cables by a stage light.

When the questions had dragged on long enough to make your feet go numb, it was finally time for a game before the show came to an end. You stood up gratefully, hobbling a bit to get to stage right. You craned your neck to see what game you were meant to play against Stray Kids, and with a crashing wave of horror, you realized that Pocky Stick packets were sitting on the tiny stool near the stage wings. You saw from the corner of your eye that Jeongin was looking as displeased about the idea as you, even though everyone else seemed almost thrilled.

This is nuts, you kept repeating to yourself. Either I’ll have to play with one of SKZ, WHO KNOW JEONGIN AND I ARE DATING, or I play against Jeongin and people realize that we seem too comfortable. It’s a lose lose situation oh shit oh shit oh sh-

“How about the desert-fox-maknae and y/n, who seems so keen to avoid a little kiss!”, yelled the MC, who was tantalizingly close enough for you to punch. You faced Jeongin, who had become unusually pale, and you fought back your own panic as you were passed a Pocky Stick.

Your stomach churned as you both stared at each other, sweat beading at the hairline. Someone gave your shoulder a push --you didn’t know who, and you couldn’t force yourself to care-- and you bit into you end of the stick. Jeongin bit the other end and cheers rose in the crowd, deafening you and making your eyes water.

You weren’t sure how long you both kept staring at each other, but in the seconds --it could’ve been hours-- that Jeongin’s eyes bore into yours, something seemed to click in his mind, and he clenched his jaw with determination. You nibbled a bit of the Pocky Stick and noise in the room went up. Slowly the gap between your lips became smaller and smaller until you were close enough for you to hear his heartbeat, or maybe it was yours, pounding in your ears.

You squeezed your eyes shut, your senses completely abandoning you. We must be less than a centimeter apart! And then you felt a firm hand clasp your wrist. Before you could understand what was happening, Jeongin’s lips smacked against yours. But not by accident. This was with decision, the Pocky Stick forgotten. From habit, you kissed him back, your ears ringing. As you pulled away, you realized it had been him who had grabbed your wrist, and he’d put a the other hand on your waist to pull you closer. The ringing in your ears was from the screams that came from the audience.

Panic rose up in you again as what had happened sank in. We kissed... on live TV!! Your heart was in your throat. What’s going to happen to us? Jeongin said something that never made it to your ears, but looked something like ‘trust me’. He turned to everyone watching, now in a confused frenzy at what they’d witnessed. “Y/n and I are dating”, he stated simply, which was followed by an enormous uproar. He continued in a yell. “We weren’t meant to say anything, but I think it’s unfair that we have to keep our happiness a secret, just for the satisfaction of the public. So now you know!!!” His last words were drowned out by more screams of shock and confusion as you were both pulled off and away from stage.

You had become light-headed, everything becoming an incoherent blur as your receded into your own chaotic thoughts. What’s gonna happen what will JYP do to us will we be kicked out of the company oh god what if I become the reason for Jeongin leaving Stray Kids I couldn’t live with myself--

In your daze, you were pushed into a small waiting room. “Wait here”, said a gruff voice. I’m going to pass out! The world is tilting to the left! And now the right... Left.... Right.... You leaned against a wall and looked at Jeongin, who stared back at you, expressionless. After a few seconds, you started violently trembling.

“What are we going to do”, you breathed, more to yourself than to your boyfriend. “They’ll hate us, they’ll kick us out of the company! Why did you do that?” You had no anger in your voice as you stared at Jeongin, just helplessness. He walked over and wrapped his arms around you tightly but with a little tremor.

“I don’t know”, he confessed, and you sniffled slightly. “But I thought of what you’d said when we were told to stay quiet. We shouldn’t have to hide, especially because we’re so happy. I think if JYP wants to kick us out, let him”.

“No, no, Jeongin!” You let out a panicked sob. “What about the other boys? You can’t leave them, not just for me! What ever happens, you can’t leave Stray Kids!”

You both stood there, holding onto each other tightly, for a long time. After what felt like hours, you both sat down on the shiny floor of the tiny room, still not letting go of each other’s hands. You had calmed down now, and just sat quietly. Suddenly, Jeongin sat up and grabbed his phone. “What are you doing”, you asked, your voice slurred and muffled from exhaustion.

“The show was a live broadcast wasn’t it”, asked Jeongin. “And because it’s the evening, most of the world will have been awake. Which means...” He tapped the Twitter icon and the app came to life. He immediately went to the Trending page, and with a gasp, you saw #JeonginAndY/nDating on the second most popular tag.

“Oh my God”, you breathed. You didn’t think the effect would be so big. Before you could stop him, Jeongin tapped on the tag. You yelped and looked away, not wanting to see any of the awful comments people had made.

“Y/n...” Jeongin’s voice was laced with shock.

“I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me it’s bad”, you say in despair.

“It’s... Everyone’s congratulating us!” Your eyes snapped open, and you swung your head around to glare at the bright screen. Thousands upon thousands of tweets had the trending hashtag, with people voicing their wishes of happiness for you as a couple, in English, Korean, you saw Spanish and french and Japanese. Message after message flashed by as Jeongin scrolled downwards. He started laughing; softly at first, then loudly, like a child how had received a special gift for Christmas. “They’re happy for us! Y/n they’re happy for us!!” He hugged you tightly as you laughed with him, more out of relief and exhaustion than anything else.

After a few more minutes, spent with you both bent over the phone and reading all the happy tweets, one of the staff came in to let you know that JYP was on his way to talk. “He didn’t sound as angry as we expected though, if that makes you feel a little better”, he said sympathetically. You thanked him as he wished you both luck and closed the door. And you turned back to Jeongin.

“You know... I don’t want to jinx it but... maybe this wasn’t as bad as I thought”, you said apprehensively.

The boy hugged you tightly. “Well, no matter what happens, we’ll always be there for each other. Right?”

You smiled, thinking of ‘Midnight Walk’ and ‘Winged Love’. “Right”. You felt warm, think about the lyrics you’d both written, saying you’d never leave the love of your life.

Because it was true.

im sorry idek what the ending is anymore but eh this was the third draft soooo...

[kaz3313]

Hell is in the Ink Machine

A new chapter? More likely then you think! 

Last Chapter https://kaz3313.tumblr.com/post/184813355633/hell-is-the-ink-machine

Inspired by @a-rae-of-sunshine

Susie Campbell knew she saw just the end of it but it was enough to get her legs running and her bare feet thumping the hardwood floor. It wasn’t long before she was yelling but who could blame her? She just saw Sammy being murdered by…Henry, was that his name?

It doesn’t matter what the murderer’s name is- what matters is the police are called and they stop him. Whoever it was he’d killed Sammy with out any show of emotion at all; remembering his deadpan expression Susie felt her body shiver again.

 Remembering that just sent the whole scene to replay in her brain again but it is only in fragments despite having happened only minutes ago. The axe connected with Sammy’s body multiple times before he dropped to the ground. Blood had begun to pool around him and seep in the floor like the ink that would often times leak from the pipes. She knew the guy had hit him more times while on the ground but her mind already began to block the memories for her own sanity. So the dark spaces filled whatever was between Sammy falling to the ground and her throwing her heels off and running away.

She holds a hand over her mouth as she feels the vomit creep up from her stomach. It’s pushed down as she continues her sprinting and lets up on her screaming.

Though not for long because before Susie comprehends the situation she feels a hand grab her shoulder. Lifting her purse and spinning around she slams it into the attacker expecting to see the large dark haired man that killed Sammy behind. Instead the Irish toy maker raises his arms in defense.

“Woah lass! Just tryin’ ta help,” he gave a small patient smile as he saw her distressed look “ I heard your screamin’ decided to investigate. Did a somethin’ happen? Any body try somethin’ nasty? Cause if any of ‘em work down here under me they’ll have some hell to pay!” Susie wasn’t sure if Shawn raises his voice so the other toy makers could hear him or if his voice was just getting louder naturally. Sammy always called Shawn a walking crescendo after all the nickname must have some sort of meaning.

Sammy…

Her adrenaline had taken over earlier that she never even had a chance to cry. So not on her accord her body convulses with sobs. Susie has to sit down for fear of falling over;Shawn sits next to her offering a hand she takes and squeezes.

“Alright, give me a name or description or whatever you can muster- I’ll teach him, or her, a few lessons on manners,” even with his voice softening he’s as loud as ever.

She meant to explain the situation but her voice wavers and is quiet; the only thing she could make out is a soft “Sa-Sammy,”

“Sammy, the cunt,” Shawn curses.

“N-no he got h-hurt, while he- When the-” now that was an understatement but her lips refuses to form the words died.

“Sammy, the brave idiot bastard,” Shawn corrects himself. “Ya need a handkerchief lass ‘cause the best I got is an old rag used fer paint but it should work well enough,” she nods taking the rag in her hand. The two sit there Susie continue to cry until her throat is scratched, eyes are desserts, mouth tastes like the saltiest ocean, and her nose has more snot dripping from it then a sick toddler .

“He got more then hurt Shawn. He’s- well he’s gone,” the word of gone falters and is no more than a whisper.

“What do ya mean- wait, he-” Shawn’s face turns from concern to horrified. “And you saw- oh god Susie! No wonder ya more of a reck then the Titanic!” He wraps his arm around Susie and she ends up burying her face in his shoulder. His jacket smells of alcohol and hotdogs but she doesn’t care; she just needs to be by someone.

“He was killed…. He was killed by someone that works here,” She feels Shawn’s body go stiff from the new found fear.

Wally does his best to keep Henry at bay, which in all honesty is much simpler than he thought it would be. All Henry wants to do is play cards in Toy Department break room, which he refers to as a safe house which coming from the one who’s been murdering people has a layer of irony, and Wally complies to the games. It’s odd that Henry has been referring to him as Boris but he hadn’t attacked Wally…yet. He couldn’t help but have his wits up so Wally kept his tool box near him.

Thomas always told him some tools could be used in multiple ways.

 After a few games of cards Henry gets up and states he’s going to bed (people pass out from exhaustion from time to time so Shawn brought in a few old hammocks). Wally nods but Henry takes a detour over to the door out and rips the switch off the wall without warning. Wally brought out a wrench out and held it behind his back. He’d rather Henry underestimate him so maybe he’ll have a chance of escape. Then Henry’s shoulders slump and he walks over to the room with the hammock.

“So, Henry, I uh…fixed that switch you broke and uh-“

“Hey buddy. Have you seen that lever handle around here? Or are you keeping it hostage until I make you something to eat?”

Now Wally should know better, Henry is an unhinged man that has been on a murder spree, but food is his weakness; and how bad can a murderers food be?

The little voice in the back of his head yelled Henry was going to poison him and an even quieter voice told him if Henry wants him dead he doesn’t need to use poison.

 Shawn guides the mourning voice actress to one of the storage rooms so she can get her bearings; it wasn’t safe in the middle of the hall with no sort of means of defense at least the storage room had shelves to push against the door if need be.

Susie squeezes his hand again and he peers back over at her. The under of her eyes still held a pink-red tinge but the puffiness of the initial tears had already begun to fade. Her expression was a range of emotions that ended up looking, at least from an outsider’s perspective, like one of a confused child.

“ Now here’s a nice stuffy place where we store all the toys and such. Actually pretty empty right now ‘cause we sent a new shipment out to stores- maybe a few plush here and there. The shelves can be used well ta keep us in safety. If ya can help me push ‘em against the doors I’d be appreciative but if ya need to sit down I don’t mind it none-“ He would’ve rambled on if she didn’t interpret him.

“What happened to the rest of my department? Jack, Johnny, Alison..? What about other animators? What about Wally?” She absently asks.

“Well I’m sure that- did ya say Wally?” Shawn feels a new sense of dread overcome him. Sure he didn’t like to hear about anyone getting hurt or being part of the possibly dead but…Wally especially.

“Yes, he tends to work downsword. So he starts cleaning in the animation department,” He already knew all this, Wally told him the even most droll parts of his day, but putting it in the context of a murder walking around it gave a whole new perspective.

“Well Susie, I’m gonna go see how everyone else is managing and try to get a proper…proper idea of the situation,” He states “You’re strong enough to get the shelves down,”.

“Shawn you can’t-“

“Susie, ya mean well you really do but I gotta go see if Wally’s alright. If I see others good but he’s just a trustin’ kind of person and,” Shawn shakes his head “ I gotta go save him,”

“I know you care about your friends but we have to keep ourselves alive or…we just have to trust they can survive too. And shouldn’t the police come here soon?” Her tears began to flow again and Shawn remembers that he found them talking to each other on more than one occasion, sharing stories and gossip.

“Susie…” he took a deep breath the two of them were going to keep it on the down low until next week but “Me and Wally are more than friends,”

“What do you me-“ She stops herself her eyes widening in realization “Shawn, I get it…if Sammy was in trouble I’d- I understand but…just…be safe please,” and with that she gives a last squeeze to his hand.

Henry and Wally were navigating the perfectly lit room with a flashlight. Wally just gives a hopefully-genuine-looking smile and follows. The machinery around them clunks and clanks but Wally barely noticies the noises having blocked them out a long time ago while working with Thomas. Wait, if he’s with Henry right now perhaps Tom and Alison are all right.

 A different sound interrupts; it’s one of following footsteps and it stops them both. Wally looks behind him and sees only a flash of a person; at least the person has the sense to leave in a hurry.

“You hear that?” A second passes Henry already walking away “me neither,”. It sounds so odd, Wally can’t help noticing, he talks so calmly for having killed most of his coworkers. He expected at some point to hear a hint of anger maybe, or sadness, but nothing was ever shown. He squints his eyes as if he truly is looking into the dark.

“Henry, where are you?” Maybe the reason Wally wasn’t attacked was so he could help? He didn’t really believe in that destiny stuff but maybe he could snap Henry out of this.

But Henry doesn’t reply; he just keeps chugging along his deadpan expression never changing.

“First the kid went and ran off ,the pipes are flooding again, and now this whole building is coming apart! And not only that but this time somebody snapped and is going around being the next Lizzie Borden,” Thomas says while kicking a few fallen boards away. Sweat drips off his face and he huffs and puffs.He feels Alison rub his shoulders and he closes his eyes.

“Tom, everything is gonna be alright. We’re going to find Wally, get ahold of some authority, and we’re going to leave,” she says continuing the massage.

“Dear, I love your optimism but…this is not a good situation and people are already dead and-“

“Henry is only one man, if we got everyone together we could easily overpower him if need be,” she states then adds “it’s a little hope but mostly facts,”

“If we get everyone together…hey that’s not a bad idea!” Tom exclaims and Alison giggles from his sudden enthusiasm. The two cheer and exclaim;they are lucky to have each other and forget about their dubious situation even for a minute.

Not everyone is so lucky.

No one would believe Norman Polk if he told the, about the mass murder in the previous departments; why would they? Henry was always the civil one, a little plain but he balanced Joey’s strangeness well. At least until he snapped and started killing all of the band with an already bloody axe; Norman would rather not think of whom he tested the axe on first.

All Norman needs to do is get away from that place, go as far down this elevator will take him. If it was any other day Norman would admire the quality of the elevator as he often did, Thomas did a good job installing it, but at the moment he just needed a minute to calm down. He couldn’t hide away on Level 14 forever but it could by him time while everyone else is fixing the situation. Seems a little cold but Norman is a little too old to be going after murderers. Though he reasons that he needs to work either way, how else was anything going to get done in this place, and Level 14 has projectors he needs to do upkeep on.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply; just focus on work and not the bodies piled in the band room.

Upon leaving and getting a ways away from the storage space Shawn realizes he never got a proper description of the killer. He assumes covered in blood would be a telling sign but if the lad (or lass, did Susie ever specify?) is even a little smart he’ll change his clothes. Though anyone to just start attacking people out of the blue isn’t necessarily the brightest of the bunch.

“Great job Flynn; tryin’ to stay away from a killer who could look like anything,” He berets himself sighing “just keep focused and find Wally; sure by the time I find him this whole thing has passed over. And he probably wouldn’t even know anything happened,” he tries to chuckle at his partners obliviousness but a feeling that Wally was in trouble refuses to leave him.

Shawn continues to walk through his department hoping he’ll be able to pick out the murder if he sees him.

 Susie keeps trying to tell herself this is the stupidest theory she’s ever conjured up before. She keeps trying to ignore the thoughts whirling In her mind. She tells herself that she saw Sammy die.

“Or did you?” A little voice in the back of her cracks with hope. “You never went over and checked, perhaps he didn’t die, she thought but the realistic voice in her head retorts back,”

“He was hit with an axe at least three times; if he didn’t die from the blows surely from the blood loss. And when you left him he wasn’t moving. He’s dead. Now is the time to move on, one of the stages of grief is denial,” Her inner realist argues. She’s reminded of how his body fell to the floor and he was bleeding and the axe kept hitting him and his eyes were closed and he yelled and-

“So he wasn’t moving, Sammy is a smart man. If he acted dead he would stop being attacked. Let’s go find him,” Susie can’t help but listen to what little hope was in her heart and presses foreword. She didn’t need to stay in that stuffy storage room anyway.

Susie, in the span of less than ten minutes, is lost. She isn’t very familiar with the layout of the lower levels of the studio; actually until today she had only ever traveled as far as the Toy Department’s break room. Now she was wandering around looking for a likely dead man.

How hopeless is this mission? She asks herself feeling her eyes water once again. When would the tears ever sto-

She’s interrupted as a song plays, her own voice filling the empty room. Susie can’t help but whisper the lyrics under her breath, they were truly catchy; Jack is as good as a lyricist as Sammy is a music director.

A sudden click lights the room enough to reveals the contents of the it. A few pieces of Alice merchandise is scattered through the room and there is a large dusty window in the center of it where the light is emanating from; otherwise it’s as void as any other storage room down here. Maybe she could peer through the window up in the front, see if she recognizes anything. It’s a long shot but it can’t hurt to look.

For a unknown reason Susie’s stomachs twists into a knot and a chill passes her spine. She continues to whisper the lyrics; now her mind is just playing tricks on her. Certainly just another worker turned on the light, looking for a tool or supplies or

Her breath catches, mid-inhale, in her throat at the sight before her. It’s the man who murdered Sammy, staring directly at her.His visage still holds the same deadpan look, his mouth turned in a slight pout accompanied by half lidded eyes. It is a usual expression that fills the halls of the studio but with the added blood stains that cover him reveal a new depth. Susie steps back not even able to give a fake smile to the murder. His head tilts his dark hair falling to the side before he raises both his fists. She wishes to run but her legs stick to the floor like glue and her face twists to a horrified expression as the window is pounded to oblivion. The glass, the only thing separating the two rooms, shatters to the floor along with dripping blood. Susie fills her lungs and shrieks the highest pitch she’s ever reached; the last note of Alice’s song following right behind.

Her sudden screech doesn’t unfreeze her legs; that’s saved for when the bloody man attempts to walk but he trips on the glass covering the floor. Her body kicks into hard drive as she leaves to run from this man from the second time. Susie swears she heard him calling the name Alice after her but He doesn’t follow her.

At least not that she noticies.

[arabellaflynn]

So the confusing unexpected birthday party went pretty okay. And by 'pretty okay' I mean the room as a whole achieved a level of drunkenness that inspired everyone to share reminiscences of previous instances of drunkenness. It turns out that several of the old guard went to college together, so I got to hear tales of shit-faced shenanigans that occurred while I was still learning to walk. One of them brought his sister, with whom I had a thoughtful discussion about how tequila is a series of terrible decisions in a bottle. Helpful hint: When someone starts out their story with a trick question like, "Okay, if you were completely hammered, would you rather crawl naked into bed with [dude who is standing RIGHT THERE, participating in the conversation], or crawl naked into bed with a total stranger?" the only reasonable response is to pause thoughtfully for half a second and say, "Well, what does this total stranger look like?" I didn't get to hear the rest of the story, as they were both doubled over laughing, but it did keep me out of worse trouble. All of which is to say that I am now apparently part of this social circle, which is a difficult thing to wrap my head around, as one of the centerpieces of it is the Executive Artistic Director here at the studio. While there is no real separation between the volunteer corps and the clientele who teach and dance here -- which is lovely and a complete 180 from all the things that irked me about the church-based groups I encountered in Arizona -- there is a definite hierarchy that emerges in the people who run the place. The volunteers are at the bottom, mainly because they are almost all new kids and most of them vanish before a year is up; then the event staff and stage crew, who get contracts and are paid actual money; then the semi-permanent office staff, who have weekly meetings to which the lower ranks are not invited; then the EAD, who answers mainly if not solely to the board. The facilities manager is pretty integral, but also pre-dates literally everything except the physical building, cannot be forced into staff meetings if she doesn't feel like going, and is not argued with when she puts her foot down about the budget. And then there is me. I have been convinced for a while that I am the only person here who talks to all of the other departments, and have yet to see any evidence to suggest otherwise.  They like to put me in charge of things when someone else has an emergency and can't be here. Which is fine, until I point out that I need something in order to do that properly, at which time they remind me of my place in the world. Nobody is irreplaceable, and I do try to stay in my lane enough to make life easier on all of us, but if I got hit by a bus they would definitely notice. None of this is any particular secret, although for the sake of my sanity I've decided it's probably best to not mention any birthday parties to the randos at the desk with me. Explaining the whole thing would be stupidly complicated, especially to people who don't know who Mr. New York Producer is, why he's a VIP here, or what kind of God-given obliviousness prompted him to invite crew to the EAD's birthday bash. It genuinely is obliviousness, I've decided, plus for whatever reason he likes me. This is the third year running that someone has come barrelling out of the woodwork going HELLO, FRIEND! and I'm left going hello, er, what? When did this happen? Why do you know who I am? Once is a miracle, twice is a coincidence, three times is enemy action my annual springtime tradition, apparently. He has started hugging me on a regular basis, which is pretty normal around here, and also developed a habit of catching my hand briefly on his way out, which is less so. For those of you not in theater, hugging is a common form of communication. Most people use it for 'hello' and 'goodbye', much like the cheek-kiss common in Europe; many also use it for 'thanks' and 'congrats' and 'sympathy'; and some pretty much just default to 'we appear to be existing in the same room, and I don't particularly dislike you'. Theater people are a huggy bunch, is my point. It's not an especially cosmic sign, but it does mean I've transitioned from the Geselleschaft 'person who works at the venue' to the Gemeinschaft 'person I know'. The hand-catch is not common, and in fact I've been operating on the assumption that it's a bit of ballroom dialect, as the only people who do it regularly are Ye Ballroom Instructor and the Eccentric. It's a generalized acknowledgement whose exact significance depends on context, but one of its most common meanings is 'thanks for the dance', when the room is too noisy for speaking. How cosmic -- or not -- that sign is, I've no idea. The Eccentric does things like that a lot because he is very invested in his friendships, and I know that because we've had that discussion in so many words. Ye Ballroom Instructor is harder to get a bead on, since he'd really rather gnaw his own arm off than talk about any of this. (It's worth noting that the most overtly panicked I've ever seen him was when he was about to say something he was afraid would make me think he didn't want me hanging around, and the only time I've ever heard him raise his voice was when he was worried he hadn't gotten across that that WAS. NOT. TRUE.) I make most of my friends the normal way, by having conversations with them over time, but those two are the main examples I have for people who woke up one morning and decided to write my name on their list of Favorite People, and forgot to send me a notification. I find the English language fails here. This is yet another case of, "would definitely be flirting if it were not you," and there is no good way to talk about that. We have eighty million ways to describe the things you do to try to charm your way into someone's pants, but nothing fit for purpose when talking about someone who is just trying very, very, very earnestly to make friends. I also find it disconcerting when the people I pay attention to pay attention back. Were it not for the embargo I keep on the real names of people I have to interact with in person, I would post video of some of his performances. They are in many ways of a kind with the things I post about people like Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett, or Stephen Colbert and John Stewart -- one of his specialties, whether or not he is aware of it, is just to connect with whoever he's dancing with, and make that connection part of the piece. His group comes through 2-3 times a year, and I used to sneak off to the balcony to watch whatever bits he was doing. Things on stage are fair game for me to gawk at. Couldn't tell you how much of it is intentional acting and how much is just what happens when he performs, but given how he's behaving with me now, I'm guessing this is just sort of a running theme in his life. from Blogger http://bit.ly/2Wg6ock via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[tjkiahgb]

I think body language is really important in breaking down the TJxBuffy interaction. TJ seemed genuinely sorry. On a side note, could you do one of your verbose analysis and anaylze the burden of fault between Buffy, Cyrus and TJ in the context of moral relativism or whatnot?

So, this ask was sent to me last week while I was already in the middle of writing that whole TJ post that went deep on body language, but I kept it for a couple of reasons.

1. It referred to my writing as verbose, which is the perfect adjective for it. Thank you.

And 2. I wanted to wait a little for more clarification on the whole Buffy, Cyrus, and TJ thing. And, now, an episode later and with the knowledge of those text messages from the app, I feel no more certain about what happened.

Still, let’s try to look at the situation anyway.

TJ asks Cyrus how he could get Buffy to do something for him. Cyrus says it’s easy, you just have to tell Buffy her favorite thing to hear. And the two walk off and we don’t see the rest of the conversation but we understand later Cyrus told TJ to tell Buffy “You’re right.” Hearing this, Buffy chooses to do TJ’s homework for him.

Here’s how I originally read this: Cyrus, knowing Buffy as long as he has, knows Buffy loves to win, so Cyrus tells TJ that if he wants something from Buffy, he needs to make her feel as though she’s won, ie. something like telling her she’s right.

Then who’s at fault? Well, mostly TJ. He initiated a plan meant to trick Buffy. But Cyrus shares a small chunk of the blame. He gave TJ a psychological window into Buffy that TJ was able to exploit. And Buffy? I’d say, yeah, some blame. Her love of winning at all costs is a character flaw. (Guys, it’s ok to admit Buffy has character strengths and weaknesses, like literally every other character on the show.) It’s led her in the past to doing some questionable things, like running an entire relay race by herself or destroying Marty’s sneakers. So, Buffy, feeling she’s picking up a victory on TJ, decides to do his homework. I don’t know how you want to slice up the blame pie, but that’s still a conscious decision she makes, so she does at least take a sliver of the blame pie. The kind of slice someone takes when they go, “I don’t know. I’m on a diet. Oh, alright! I’ll just have a little piece. It is a blame party after all!”

Given this framing of the situation – which, honestly, that’s what I’ve been presented on the show, how could I imagine it’d be something wildly different? – I thought Buffy’s ultimatum to Cyrus was harsh. I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable, but, for my tastes, harsh. He’s a childhood friend. You have a couple days left with him. But, you know, I’m speaking from my perspective. I’ve always been a forgive and forget type of guy. I dealt with a similar situation with a couple of friends in middle school and I spent the better part of a week trying to mend fences.

Anyway, this was my line of thinking before those insane text messages came out on the app.

I asked around last week trying to figure out how canon those texts are but I still don’t have a great answer for it. @citrusella-flugpucker put it best, I think: “At ‘worst’ it’s ‘level 2 canon’ probably (i.e. canon unless disproven).”

Without posting the entirety of the conversation, here are the most important parts. Buffy texts Andi talking about the Cyrus situation and she says this:

“Remember how my grandma used to doubt everything I said? And always asked me “are you sure?” and “that doesn’t sound right”? … Years ago, I told Cyrus that b/c of her, now I’m a sucker for anyone who DOESN’T question me to death… And just agrees with me and tells me I’m right. … He told TJ that! He told TJ to manipulate me by telling me that I’m right!”

Wait. What?

The framing I had made sense, right? With what we know of the characters, it made sense. TJ manipulates. Cyrus maybe doesn’t realize the full extent of what he’s doing when he gives TJ insight into Buffy’s desire to win. Buffy’s desire to win gets the better of her.

But this? This changes that interaction wildly. TJ’s blame sort of stays the same, Buffy’s blame is entirely gone, and Cyrus looks horrible here.

There’s a huge distinction between saying, “Buffy likes to win, so you’d have to make her feel like she’s won,” and “Sure, TJ, here’s a deep psychological trauma that Buffy has that goes all the way back to when she was a child around her withholding grandmother. You just have to say ��You’re right,’ to her.”

It’s the difference between: here’s something I know about someone that anyone who gets to know her would understand and here’s a Manchurian Candidate style code word she once told me about in confidence that you can now use to make her do whatever you’re asking. The first one a lot of people might’ve been able to tell TJ about Buffy. TJ might’ve even been able to intuit that out himself given a little time. The second one? Yikes.

Cyrus even tries – again, in the text game on the app – to explain he didn’t mean it to be malicious. But, dude, you can’t share something so deeply personal to someone else like that. Even if you don’t intend it to be malicious, even if you don’t share the story itself, you know the story behind telling TJ to say “You’re right.” And you know you’re not telling him for any reason other than manipulation. TJ made it clear right out of the box what his intention was.

Also, not as important, but just to note: in this context, the interaction between TJ and Buffy in the library gets weird. Instead of Buffy looking at TJ, thinking she feels sorry for him and feeling good about having diagnosed his disability and winning this little battle they’ve been having, she’s instead looking at TJ when he’s saying, “You’re right,” and thinking, “Grandma?! Grandma!” TJ’s talking, but all Buffy can see is her elderly grandmother finally, after all these years, admitting to her that she’s smart and is right about something?

My problem is, other than that being odd storytelling, there’s no way you watch that scene and pick up on any bit of that subtext.

(This whole post, by the way, is based on the idea that she has never mentioned her grandma in this context on the show before. I don’t think she has. I definitely don’t remember it, but I did some searching just to be sure and I couldn’t find anything. Feel free to yell at me in the comments if I’m blanking on this.)

Anyway, I was honestly just hoping to ignore those texts. I want to assume the app is just a game run by the social media team to engage some viewers who go looking for it and whoever was writing them got a little carried away in creating backstory. I’m guessing the majority of people who watch the show don’t go sniffing out all those texts.

At the very least, there can’t be enough people reading those texts that you’d drop a prism-changing bomb in them like that.

Then again, I have to assume the writers’ room at least has some idea of what’s happening on the official app, if someone from the room isn’t writing those themselves.

Unfortunately, we didn’t really get any clarification in this week’s episode. It was being weirdly cagey about it. Cyrus asked multiple times for Buffy to explain what he did, and Buffy never really got into it. Just a lot of, “you know what you did” type stuff.

But then I guess that sort of makes sense, because if Buffy did say something about Cyrus betraying her over the “Grandma stuff,” most people watching the episode would’ve been like, “Wuh?”

Since it seems like the Buffy/Cyrus break-up storyline is sort of wrapped up, too, I don’t think we’ll ever really get a concrete answer to what Cyrus really did.

If it’s the original reading, I feel Buffy’s being reasonable, if a bit too harsh. If it’s the grandma reading, she might not be behaving harsh enough. You cannot be out here sharing those kind of traumas with people.

It also shades how much Cyrus is standing up for himself in this week’s episode. Would he really be defending himself as strongly as he was if he leaked the grandma stuff? He’s a good, caring kid. He’d have to understand how far a line he crossed.

It’s all a bit strange.

Anyway, I was going to bring this up in the episode recap I’m working on, but I figured I’d save a ton of real estate in that post by putting down all those thoughts here.

Hope that was verbose enough, anon.

[mahrirae]

Reflections on Netflix Death Note Movie...spoilers

So I watched the Netflix Death Note movie the other day and I went into it with an open mind. I looked at it from two POVs. One that had never heard of Death Note and one that is a huge fan and would most likely rip it to shreds (let's be honest most anime/manga movie adaptations suck).

The me that watched this and is a huge fan, without much shock, hated it. Light's character felt all wrong and the suspenseful cat and mouse games that made the anime so good weren't there. I was not a fan of the casting, which is a whole other issue, but even that is not an excuse for a lacking execution of very prominent parts of the context material. I also understand that it was supposed to be an adaptation and not the original anime/manga retold, but it is hard not to compare when you are trying to use the original character's personas and just changing there entire personality.

I think the me that hated this movie would have liked it more if they decided not to rehash the originals, but continued the story with different characters in America. It would not be hard to believe that after Light and L's death another Shinigami or Ryuk chose to drop another book in a different location (America) where it is found by a Kira supporter who decides to continue his legacy. Maybe that is just me, but I would have found this much more acceptable than using the original characters and then undoing all that made us love them in the first place. Ryuk was actually the best character and I really wish they would have given him more scenes.

End Butthurt fan rant...for now...

Now the me that watched this and knew nothing about Death Note thought it was..."meh". It was a good time waster if you needed something to fill in an hour or so, but it was hard to be invested. The concept, of course, is amazing, but the execution was lacking. Everything seemed to happen too fast. You looked away for a second and he had the death note, the next second he is showing it to a chick he just met (I mean he barley spoke a word to her and the conversation started with an introduction, so it was like "Hi my name is Light, and since you're hot let me tell you about my magic book that can kill people?"), then a few scenes later they are literally getting off on killing people, then he is Kira and people worship him.

None of this spiral into a homicidal God complex is explained in detail, only a montage accompanied by off-putting music. The whole thing felt like a generic teen movie complete with whiny teenage lead that is bullied and mad at the world, has a crush on the cheerleader and a relationship with his father that can only be described as "complicated" because his mom is dead and he wished his dad would have done more about it. It took an interesting concept and dumbed it down because this is about a teenager and apparently there is only one formula for teenager. It ultimately ended up as one of those movies you watched once and would probably not watch again. You've seen it once and that's enough.

As a movie it was okay, good for a one time watch to get rid of your complete boredom for an hour, but it still lacks too much to be a "good" movie, just your average teenage movie gone horror that is tolerable to watch, but not a favorite or must see.

Ranting continues...

As an anime/manga adaptation it fails pretty bad, loosing all the good points that made Death Note a favorite of mine. Light reverted from the intelligent high schooler able to match wits with a world renowned detective, to some whiny kid trying to impress a girl by killing all the "bad people" and getting lucky enough to not get caught.

Not to mentioned they got rid of his happy family life. One of the things that made Light interesting was that his motive was purely his deranged sense of justice. There was no "my mom is dead and the guy walked away now I am going to get rid of criminals by feeding from my dark past." Light's life was fine, he didn't have a dark past. He had a loving family and a stable life. He used this to his advantage. He actually made it a point to not come across as a "problem child", he wanted to fit a perfect mold because it made it more believable that he was innocent.

The movie felt like it was tying to make Light some kind of misunderstood teenage kid who was not all that sadistic but mostly misguided. By the end it almost felt like they were trying to make you feel sympathy for him, because it was his girlfriend who was "really" bad. I mean he wanted to kill, but ONLY the criminals. In fact she felt more like Kira than Light. Instead of him manipulating an obsessed girl with words of love to get what he wants, she manipulated him, so why not just make her the lead.

Light from the anime/manga was interesting because he was unmoving in his mission. He would take out whoever he needed to make sure his vision became a reality, but in this movie he is ready to back down as soon as it looks like he is going to get caught.

L's character while keeping true to being weird, was way too rash and lost his composer to easily. He seemed to breakdown every time something happened and the emotionless deduction freak was lost by the end of the movie where he goes against everything he believed in and hunts down Light in a police car pointing a gun at him.

...and how the crap did Light kill Watari? Wasn't that an alias?

Not to mention they removed rules of the Death Note like seeing the Shinigami when you touch the book (This would have given Ryuk more scenes and I would have enjoyed that). The Death Note itself was too over powered to me. He was able to write an entire final destination style ending that seemed much to specific for it all to align at the perfect time. If I am not mistaken (and I could be wrong) what you write in the book has to be possible and reasonable for the person to do. Which made it interesting to see how Light could manipulate them to still come out in his favor.

So how was he( Light in the movie) able to spell out everything that happened?

Like did he put an "if" clause in there somewhere? "IF she takes the book, then the insanely specific chain of events will follow just as I have written them". If she didn't take the book, by the rules shouldn't she still have died? Her name was still written down, so heart attack? And how would he know exactly what time this would happen...don't you have to give a specific time for all these events to take place?

Whatever I suppose it doesn't really matter, but if you can just write crazy specific stuff like this, it sucks the fun out of watching because Light no longer has to be clever, he just had to know how to spell.

I really like the idea of using anime/manga for more inspiration in main stream American media, but it would be nice if it wasn't completely "Americanized" into the same stuff we have seen a thousand times, just with a shiny new wrapper of being based on anime.

End rant for real now...

But none of this is in anyway how everyone should feel. I just thought I would write a reflection since I am sitting in a store with only my thoughts.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

[cerastes]

Ey, I want to ask how do you write so bombastic and confident like? I have absolutely no writing skills so I kinda want to emulate your writing style. Sorry if this question bothers you.

The question doesn’t bother me, and thank you very much! I appreciate the praise.

Now, first things first: My writing style is far from perfect. I make mistakes, and whenever I look at something I wrote, I think “damn it, I missed the perfect opportunity for this or that in this paragraph and it could’ve been GREAT and much better”. That doesn’t stop me from writing or enjoying writing. What am I trying to say with this? To write all “bombastic and confident like”, as you put it, it’s necessary to own up to your writing. 

If you confess to the person you like, do you tell them your bad aspects? Do you go “Please date me, I am unreliable, uninteresting, and plain, but I hope you’ll say yes”? That’s precisely how you don’t get dates. You present your good points, and you show how you fully believe in those good points. Writing is the same. Don’t be coy or shy, don’t be like “oh man this is not good aaaa please be kind guys”, no, you write something, you go with that to the ends of hell. You present it as something entertaining. It all starts with you: You need to believe every second of your narrative or it doesn’t work. I mean, if the author doesn’t believe it is interesting, why the hell would I bother reading it? The whole time you are writing, you KNOW and BELIEVE it is something good, and that you are doing your readers as big a favor as they are doing to you by reading it by letting them read it. You hit post, and then you say “you are welcome”.

That’s the single most important thing you need to know, regardless of whatever style of writing you decide to take or emulate. Artists need confidence, especially writers, or you straight up start with a hole in your foot and a smoking gun.

Now, about my particular style:

I preface this by saying that I’ve never taken a single creative writing class in my life, and my style is 100% self taught, with its major inspirations found in Robert Fisher and Ambrose Bierce. You can try to emulate it, but in the end, it should only be for the sake of developing one that will work for you.

I lean more towards skit-like dialogue and plot-focused dialogue more than actual realistic conversations in my narratives, BUT I urge people to master realistic small talk and realistic conversations, because that helps you so much behind the scenes. It lets you understand your characters in ways you had not considered before, and it allows you to write much richer reactions and behavior in your story proper. I also like to focus on the space occupied by the characters and how they move. No one stands still while talking or doing most things, so play with the environment surrounding the character, how their spacial context affects their actions, how they idly fiddle with their cuffs while they talk, etc. You’ll inevitably be like “hmmm how do I make this scene seem in character…”, and when I find myself in that situation, I imagine or write a small, brief conversation about a random topic I take from a randomizer in Google between the characters. Taking about anything unveils a lot about people and characters alike. Does Character A click their tongue when they are irritated? Does Character B tend to repeat one verb/noun a lot in their discourse? Does Character C have a limited language? All that kinda stuff.

Behind closed doors, do a SHITLOAD of purple prose. Utilize your vocabulary. Rip apart your own veins writing posh garbage. It’s a great way to expand your vocabulary and to realize what is ok to write, and what isn’t. Just like overly garnished plates of food, overly verbose literature is bad. Complexity =/= Good. 

So what does equal good? Entertainment, I believe. Whenever you are writing something comedic by nature, you are going for a punchline. You already know the punchline you are going for, and that usually does make us complacent. We end up railroading the whole thing towards this ONE thing, and that’s a pitfall. Have multiple happenings, throw multiple, smaller jokes, 

Now, from that idea, the same goes for anything outside of comedy, too: You want more than one thing going on at all times, and you ideally want a supporting cast to help you with that. Where most amateur literature fails, I believe, is that a lot of authors try to make their whole cast “main characters”, and that’s not a good way to go about it. Instead, I believe you have to make a designated main cast, and a designated support cast. From there, you write, and whenever it comes naturally, you give more narrative depth to someone from the support cast, less to someone in the main cast, and all around end up doing what feels natural. That way, you don’t spread yourself thin writing equally for 23 characters, and instead focus on the ones you love writing the most, or that your audience wants to see more of, or the ones that it just feels right for you, personally or plot-wise, to promote more or demote within the narrative.

The golden rule of writing, to me, is that your reader never thinks “I don’t care about what happens to these people”. Your reader MUST care about the happenings, and remain interested, at all times. Don’t cheapen your own narrative. Don’t make it predictable. Or make it predictable, and then betray those expectations, then make it predictable again, and this time, deliver it just as is, but throw in a twist, TRAIN your reader to not trust you. The less the reader trusts you, the wider the range of stuff you can try. Expectation is to be betrayed at all points, interest HAS to be active throughout the whole thing. This also implies resting points, where the narrative slows down a bit, but keep it fire, tense, at all times.

I believe in Show, Don’t Tell. Your readers are not idiots. Show things, and the readers will catch them. Catching foreshadowing that is written in between lines only to see it confirmed later is the greatest feeling in the world. Give your readers the greatest feeling in the world. I love it when I read authors that fool me, so I try to fool my readers.

Lastly, write things in a way that keeps the public engaged. Don’t just write “straight lines”, spice them up with engaging writing, say common things in uncommon ways that are just out there enough that they raise an eyebrow, but still topical and comprehensive enough that your reader says “haha, yeah!” and keeps reading. As for characters per se, I find giving each character their own speech quirks is both fun to write and to read. For example, from something I write currently:

Whenever I am going to write a scene with new characters, I make a small list of characteristics I want to convey with each character, how I envision them, and how my readers hopefully receive them.

Cultist: Inexperienced language, more or less machine guns words, she has an entertainer’s tongue and a curious demeanor, loves to add spectacle to even the simplest things, and intentionally annoys others or pushes their buttons for reactions. Not clueless, she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Mjyn: Prefers short lines, goes to the point, she plays the Cultist’s straight man. Focused on the task at hand, and doesn’t care for tomfoolery, but will allow herself to go along with it for just long enough before her patience grows thin.

Cultist: “Hmhmhm! You should know that, right here, in front of your very eyes, a professional flavorologist stands tall!”Lantern Salesman: “…? A what?”Cultist: “A flavorol–”Mjyn: “Chef.”Cultist: “Chef! Don’t be fooled by her chrome finish and the cannon arm, this girl right here knows how to cook a whole friggin’ feast! Were it not for her, I’d be an exciting corpse over yonder by that tundra, but she was making supper out of walrus fat! Walrus fat! Who the hell can make a full course meal with walrus fat you may ask? THIS. GIRL. She’s also known as the Fingers Of The Blue Sky, giver of the most delightful massages! Mmm, what would I do without my precious Mjyn!”Salesman: “That’s… Nice, I guess? Good for you? But why are you telling me all of this?”Mjyn: “We need the illegally obtained police sirens you currently hold in your left hand. So, my friend here was doing a sales pitch in order to negotiate with you”Salesman: “Ah, this? Well, I am not parting with it for a meal or a massage from an android. So, if you’ll excuse me…”Cultist: “Wait, wait, one second, geez, man, you on a hurry? Got the dame to please? The kids to feed? Haha, that’s a jape, I know, I know, you are unmarried. I can tell just by looking at your face. Anyways, here’s what I was trying to show you: Aside from having the skills that would make her a mainstay at any depraved home, my nice friend here has…”Cultist: *Lightly knocks Mjyn on the back of the head*Mjyn: *opens her right “eye” to reveal a gun barrel*Cultist: “This a hold up, bi–”Mjyn: “Oi.”Cultist: “…Sir! A no-obscenities hold up! Drop the fiddlesticking siren!”Salesman: “W-woah! Hey, now!”Mjyn:Cultist:Mjyn:Cultist: “…Bitch!”*Mjyn stomps on the Cultist’s foot*Cultist: “Fuck! O-oh, whoo–”*STOMP*Cultist: “Fudge! Ok, sorry! Habit!”Mjyn: “I really ought to have a word with whoever let your tongue be this loose. In any case, sir, this is indeed a hold up, now please pony up that siren or you’ll have to bear with the terrible, terrible sin of making a tired girl spend a very expensive eye round on someone whose funeral will probably be cheaper than said round. We are in quite a pickle without it, see?”Cultist: “…Gosh, M, you can’t just threaten people like that. Where’s the flair? You truly are an amateur, aren’t you? Foolish girl, yet so lucky, for I am willing to put up with you, eh? Sorry, sir, let us start from the beginning, we’ll do this right this time, ok~? Ahem… Hmhmhm! Right before you, yes, it’s her, the one you’ve been hearing about in isolated whispers! The famous flavorologiOUCH STOP STOP OK SORRY STOP HITTING ME SIR THE SIREN PLEASE SHE’S PISSED OFF”

I guess, to close this, is that I do think you gotta go over what you write and do a second writing, because you are bound to end up with weak segments in whatever it is you write. Transitional or exposition segments, mostly. Go over them and spice them up or summarize them even further. The less time you spend world building by telling the reader and the more time you spend doing that showing the world instead, the better. No one likes an info dump. Info dumps go on supplementary material.

[scottadamsblog]

Some Fake News About Me from Bloomberg

Last autumn, before the election, a writer for Bloomberg asked to spend a day with me to interview me for a feature piece about my blogging on Trump, and my life in general. I could tell from the initial conversation that it was going to be a hostile article. The reporter was open about being deeply frightened of Trump, believing him to be a racist, sexist, homophobic monster. So you can imagine how she felt about me for writing flattering blog posts about his persuasion talents.

I quickly determined that agreeing to the interview would be foolhardy. Obviously it was going to be a hit piece. The writer weakly tried to conceal that fact, but failed miserably. 

If I agreed to the interview, I knew I would be making myself the target of ridicule and shame, baring my flaws to the world -- both the real ones and the fake news ones. No rational person would agree to such an interview. It was a suicide mission.

So I agreed to the interview. 

Regular readers know I don’t experience embarrassment like normal people. I just thought it would be funny to have them write about how wrong I was. . . just as the election was about to prove how right I was.

The day I agreed to the interview, I told my girlfriend Kristina that I was going to be the subject of a “hit piece” in Bloomberg. When the writer asked to speak to my brother, for background, I told him it was a hit piece, but I invited him to do it anyway, just for fun. Obviously, no sane person would agree to be interviewed for hit piece on his own family.

So my brother agreed to the interview. 

We’ll have a good laugh about it later today. He got framed as a gullible idiot for “believing” something my mom told us when we were kids.

Check the article here and see if you can spot the fake news and the places where context has been tweaked to make things look both true and misleading at the same time. I’ll tell you what you missed, if anything, after you read it. Compare your impressions to my Fake News Report Card below.

Here’s the Bloomberg article by Caroline Winter

Fake News Report Card

1. The article and headline used my old phrasing “master wizard” instead of the updated “Master Persuader” that I used in 95% of my work. That was an intentional choice by the editor to create the KKK association in your mind, or at least to make it all seem silly.

2. The anecdote about me showing her a Victoria’s Secret Whencast that I made didn’t happen. One of the hundreds of public Whencasts on the site included that content, created by a woman. I might have opened that one along with others as different examples of what the software can do. By highlighting that one bit of fake news (saying I created it), and putting it in the context of my girlfriend being too young for me, it created a powerful and intentional creepy vibe.

3. Kristina doesn’t live with me. She was staying at my house temporarily while her place was having some repairs and upgrades. 

4. When an article is intended to be favorable, you see photos that make me look relatively good, like this one, from Peter Duke:

When an article wants you to look bad to the reader, you see photos like this, from the Bloomberg article:

This is standard practice on both sides of the political spectrum. Publications pick the photos that tell their bias, not the story.

5. The headline suggests I am somehow, maybe, in favor of genocide. Obviously I’m not in favor of genocide, and the article later weakly explains that. But by then, the damage is done. Your brain is most influenced by what you read first, especially if it is in a headline.

6. The headline says Trump hypnotized me. I would accept that as a hypothesis, but the article doesn’t address the point at all. The implication is that I’m a gullible nut-job, as opposed to one of the few people who predicted Trump’s win and provided lots of cognitive-science-backed reasons for the prediction.

7. The article was initiated before the election, and was originally intended for publication about then. But a funny thing happened that ruined everything for Bloomberg. Trump won, and in so doing, he made me look like less of a nut. My accurate predictions, against all odds, would have been the headline in any article that wasn’t designed to be hostile.

8. To explain my Linguistic Kill Shot idea, the writer focused on the Carly Fiorina “look at that face” incident. She could have mentioned Lyin’ Ted, or Low Energy Bush, or Crooked Hillary. All stronger examples, but they don’t make me look like a sexist when the context is omitted. The Fiorina examples does.

9. The writer refers to my wide field of interests as “unusual fixations,” thus turning ordinary discussions of fitness and diet habits into something that sounds like a fetish.

10. Last year, the author of a book about seduction called The Game mailed me a copy of his book. This is common practice among authors. Sometimes it happens because an author thinks another author would be interested in the book. Sometimes an author hopes to get a public mention to boost sales. I have lots of unread books all over the house for this same reason. The Bloomberg writer focused on this one. The Pre-suasion book she mentions was also signed and sent to me by the author, for the same reason. But I read that one. (It’s great.)

You might recognize this book-related persuasion trick as the Mein Kampf play. If someone gives you a book that you didn’t ask for, somehow the book still explains your soul.

11. The writer asked me what would happen for me personally if Trump won. I talked about the good and the bad of it. She picked only the following words to make me look like a douche bag: “If Trump gets elected, my profile will go through the roof, because I’m in a very small group of people who publicly said he would win in a landslide. ... I’ll be very popular,” he said, with satisfaction.”

Notice the three dots before “I’ll be very popular.” That is your signal for a manufactured quote. They assembled it from bits of what I said and left out the context that would have rendered it un-douche-baggy.

12. This quote is out of context: “In the kitchen, Adams installed three microwaves so he “can make a lot of popcorn at once.” The missing context is that I designed the house knowing that whoever makes the popcorn for the rest of the family misses the first part of the movie. Plus, the extra microwaves come in handy all the time. I use them at the same time quite often. How did that come out sounding nutty?

13. My girlfriend, Kristina, has an advanced degree from UC Berkeley, plays multiple instruments, has succeeded in several fields, and now has 3.3 million Instagram followers. The writer mentioned her bra size.

14. This quote was cobbled together to make me look like a racist and a sexist because I write about Trump. “Adams has said, his professional advancement was thwarted by diversity hires. ‘There was no hope for another generic white male to get promoted any time soon,’ he wrote in Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert. (Later in the book, he noted that his Dilbert TV show was canceled after ‘the network made a strategic decision to focus on shows with African-American actors.’) 

Both events are true, but in the first case she left out the fact that my bosses told me in direct language that they couldn’t promote a white male. I didn’t imagine it. Likewise, the UPN network literally made the decision to focus on African-American viewers at that time. it wasn’t just my interpretation of events.

Here’s the problem with that sort of reporting out of context: I’m also the guy who thinks men should stay out of the abortion question and leave it to women to decide what should be legal. I also blogged about my ideas for slavery reparations. I also described myself to her as “ultra-liberal” on social issues, because I am. If you leave out that context, the anecdotes sound like an explanation for why I grew up to be so terrible.

15. The article quotes my friend and cartooning colleague Stephan Pastis as being appalled at my Trump support, and speculating that the reason might simply be that cartoonist crave attention.

Of course I crave attention. Plus, it’s my job. That part is not in dispute.

But I think Stephan’s quotes were from before Election Day, when people still thought I was nuts to predict a Trump win. Today, I think Stephan would add a second hypothesis: I did it because I thought I was right, and it seemed important to me to share with the world what I could see coming from a mile away.

Plus I crave attention. It was a twofer.

16. The writer badgered me on several occasions to make a comparison between Dogbert and Trump. I said Dogbert’s personality is based on my own dark inner thoughts and had nothing to do with Trump except they are both ambitious in the extreme. So she wrote this: “I’d thought the point of those strips was to laugh at Dogbert’s cruelty—not celebrate it. But Adams seemed elated by the triumph of a Dogbertesque president.” WTF?

That’s sixteen intentionally-biased or incorrect components in one story.

By the way, Bloomberg did have a third-party do fact-checking on the article by running a bunch of questions by me for verification. That is standard practice for the big publications. None of the things I mentioned here were in the fact checking. The fact-checkers don’t check the writer’s own eye-witness accounts for accuracy, and they don’t check for missing context.

When normal citizens read the news, they think it is mostly accurate. But when you are the subject of reporting, you can see the fake news all over it. I thought I would share this view with you so you can increase your skepticism when you see this sort of thing presented as truth.

Plus, I crave attention. I couldn’t solve healthcare funding without it, among other things. Attention is fun, but also a tool.

You might still wonder why I volunteered to be interviewed for a hit piece, aside from the attention thing. My brother just sent me a very short video clip of his first reaction when he opened the article to read it. I think this answers all of your questions.

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Update: An alert Twitter user sent me one of Caroline Winter’s 2015 articles. You might be wondering if all of her subjects get similar treatment.

You’re going to laugh when you connect the dots.

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You might enjoy my book because I crave attention.

I’m also on...

Twitter (includes Periscope): @scottadamssays​

YouTube: At this link.

Instagram: ScottAdams925

[networkingdefinition]

Dating Quotes

Official Website: Dating Quotes

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• A lot of people wouldn’t feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren’t dating my girlfriend. – Dov Davidoff • About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them. – Judy Carter • After a number of years dating, we decided we were good partners. – Melinda Gates • Are you kidding? I’m a terrible cook, but John is a really great one. Literally, I never cook. The whole time we were dating, I prepared two officially romantic meals. Both of them were such disasters that he begs me never to go into the kitchen again. – Rebecca Romijn • At the time that I knew them, they were not living together. They began dating again after their divorce, so I didn’t really see fighting. – Kato Kaelin

jQuery(document).ready(function($) var data = action: 'polyxgo_products_search', type: 'Product', keywords: 'Dating', orderby: 'rand', order: 'DESC', template: '1', limit: '68', columns: '4', viewall:'Shop All', ; jQuery.post(spyr_params.ajaxurl,data, function(response) var obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); jQuery('#thelovesof_dating').html(obj); jQuery('#thelovesof_dating img.swiper-lazy:not(.swiper-lazy-loaded)' ).each(function () var img = jQuery(this); img.attr("src",img.data('src')); img.addClass( 'swiper-lazy-loaded' ); img.removeAttr('data-src'); ); ); ); • Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town. – Tom Clancy • Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating. – Greg Behrendt • Celebrities say they date other celebrities because they have the same job. But I think they just like dating famous people. Celebrities attract each other, like cattle. – Jason Lee • Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer. – Rita Mae Brown • Dating a new man is like holding a strawberry milkshake; first the taste, then the pleasure. – Marilyn Monroe • Dating is a give and take. If you only see it as “Taking,” you are not getting it. – Henry Cloud • Dating is a place to practice how to relate to other people. – Henry Cloud • Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen. – Henry Cloud • Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other. It’s just that constant strangeness. I think it’s a very real thing. – Jason Schwartzman • Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier. – Caprice Crane • Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? – Jerry Seinfeld • Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is. – Henry Cloud • Dating is probably the most important aspect of a single person’s life. – Linda Sunshine • Dating is really all about sex. In the conventional context, this means that the man invites the woman to go through a social encounter, the ultimate purpose of which is sexual engagement. – Alexander McCall Smith • Dating now is a lot like going shopping when you don’t have any money. Even if you find the right thing, you can’t do anything about it. – Joshua Harris • Dating should be a part of your life, not your life a part of dating. There is more to life than finding a date. – Henry Cloud • Dodi got a lot of criticism when he began dating Princess Diana. No one seemed to think he was good enough for her. – Lorna Luft • Encourage your children to come to you for counsel with their problems and questions by listening to them every day. Discuss with them such important matters as dating, sex, and other matters affecting their growth and development, and do it early enough so they will not obtain information from questionable sources. – Ezra Taft Benson • Envy is what makes you, when an acquaintance is lustily telling you that she’s dating a Greek god of a guy, ask, ‘Which one, Hades?’ – Gina Barreca • Everyone was like, “Why do you need to meet someone on Match.com?” My response was, “I certainly don’t need to meet more of the same broke, acting class guys that I’d been dating my whole life.” I needed to change that whole paradigm. So, I decided to meet some corporate guys and see how that worked. So, I went on Match, but I didn’t put a picture up, because I’m on television, and I didn’t want anybody contacting me for the wrong reasons. So, I had to do the hunting, as it were. I didn’t anticipate meeting my husband online, but there he was. And it all worked out! – Essence Atkins • Gay men should not adopt the sophomoric model of heterosexual dating; gay men should always have sex first. – John Rechy • Good-looking individuals are treated better than homely ones in virtually every social situation, from dating to trial by jury. – Martha Beck • Here’s the funny thing about the response I’ve been aware of to my dating famous people: It’s been very negative. I’m either not good-looking enough, not a good enough actor or not successful enough for these people. – Dax Shepard • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Mike Binder • How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide? – Judy Tenuta • I also find it interesting that a lot of people in their 30s are not married and don’t have kids. There are a lot of people in this age bracket that are out there dating and trying to find love. And I never thought that at my age I would be. – John Stamos • I came to the realization that I started dating my now-wife junior year of college, before you actually went on a date. You didn’t take girls from college out to dinner. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never been on a date where I didn’t know the end game. I’ve never casually dated someone. I’ve only been out to dinner with the woman who would eventually be my wife. – Jon Gabrus • I can’t imagine dating a boy, meeting him only outside the home. What’s a home and family for if it’s not the center of one’s life? – Loretta Young • I can’t wait for my little sisters to start dating, because it will really be fun to pick on their boyfriends. – David Gallagher • I could be a party girl, dating whoever I want and being reckless, but I like being in a relationship. When you have somebody who grounds you and keeps you sane, it helps. – Eva Longoria • I do like dating cynics – they tend to be incredibly funny. – Chris Pine • I don’t have the best dating track record. – Lauren Conrad • I don’t know the first real thing about the dating game. I don’t know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general. – Jason Schwartzman • I don’t really comment on my personal life because I feel like any comment at all is opening up a whole can of worms. I’d just rather not talk about who I’m dating. – Josh Hartnett • I don’t think courting and dating is a liability. I actually think it can be a blessing. – Rebecca St. James • I don’t understand the whole dating thing. I know right off the bat if I’m interested in someone, and I don’t want them to waste their money on me and take me out to eat if I know I’m not interested in that person. – Britney Spears • I feel like I’ve always had gay fans, I don’t think my dating a woman has changed my demographic, but it certainly changed the way I feel about politics. – Sia Furler • I got that experience through dating dozens of men for six years after college, getting an entry level magazine job at 21, working in the fiction department at Good Housekeeping and then working as a fashion editor there as well as writing many articles for the magazine. – Judith Krantz • I grew up between the two world wars and received a rather solid general education, the kind middle class children enjoyed in a country whose educational system had its roots dating back to the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy. – George Andrew Olah • I grew up in the world of bad television, on my dad’s sets and then as a young schmuck on dating shows and so on. – George Clooney • I have been dating someone that treats my heart like it’s monkey meat. I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time so I need to learn what it’s like to be treated well before it’s too late for me. – Hannah • I just can’t fathom tweeting, and I’d rather spend my time writing a book than a blog, but I rather grudgingly agreed to a Facebook page. I had a brief, intense romance with Facebook. It’s weirdly addictive, but anything that time-sucking is a danger for a writer who writes as slowly as I do. Now I post only occasionally and nothing very confessional. I think I’m carbon dating myself as I speak. – Debra Dean • I just don’t like when there’s a rumor that says I’m dating someone who is below my standards. But when I got divorced, my ex-wife said I was spending all my time with Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie. I was like, ‘Thank you for the big ups!’ – Marilyn Manson • I knew dating the son of Satan would turn out badly – Darynda Jones • I like the idea of dating, but I’m not dating anyone exclusively, particularly right now. It’s hard to be in a relationship unless you’re ready to go public with it. So it’s a lot easier for me to not be in a relationship. I really don’t want that part of my life to be tabloid fodder. – Cory Monteith • I love being a single mom. But it’s definitely different when you’re dating. – Brooke Burns • I prefer ordinary girls – you know, college students, waitresses, that sort of thing. Most of the girls I go out with are just good friends. Just because I go out to the cinema with a girl, it doesn’t mean we are dating. – Leonardo DiCaprio • I started dating older men, and I would fall in love with them. I thought they could teach me about life. – Daphne Zuniga • I stopped dating for six months a year ago. Dating requires a lot of energy and focus. – Daphne Zuniga • I think a man’s dream woman changes as he goes through different stages in his life. I’m fortunate to be dating my dream woman now. – Wissam Al Mana • I think I should date a normal girl. I am tired of dating heroines. While I believe in marriage as an institution, I am also petrified of it. – Shahid Kapoor • I think I’m definitely more open. You know the thing is I wouldn’t have said I was closed before, but like, it’s the kind of thing that you don’t even think of other options. I’ve been dating black men for really, for like, I don’t know, 10 years. You know, I haven’t really dated outside of that. Now I think I’m probably am more open to the idea. – Sanaa Lathan • I think more dating stuff is scheduling. It’s needing people who understand your work schedule. – Jennifer Love Hewitt • I tried to tell them about the dating process because I’m single now and how horrible it is and how many foolish experiences I had had dating. So I was really selling him hard, but the whole time he really wanted me! – Andie MacDowell • I want my audience to know me for my work, not because of who I’m dating or what drugs I’m on or what club I went to. – Shia LaBeouf • I want to start dating the man that I’m gonna marry. I want to start having some fun with someone that I know I’m gonna be with. I don’t play any games. I’m too old for that. I’ve been there, I’ve been around the block. – LisaRaye McCoy-Misick • I was dating a guy that was a huge wrestling fan and I’m embarrassed to say it now but I used to make fun of him for watching it. – Torrie Wilson • I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word ‘YOU’ and I just put the letter ‘U’. – Kelly Osbourne • I was thrown into the fashion world, dating models – and you’d read about me dating a new starlet every month. That’s just where my life was. But I’ve grown up a lot. – Stephen Dorff • If you want me to be straight, gay, into monkeys, dating Kylie, whatever, I’m happy for people to project whatever onto me! – Darren Hayes • I’m a bad dater – I’m just not good at it. It’s so weird dating in this town. It’s like high school. I get a lot of people who have their publicist call my agent to ask, ‘Is she dating anyone? – Jules Asner • I’m dating a girl who’s pretty levelheaded. She’s a nurse. She’s a real, normal girl. Which is what I need because my life isn’t normal. – Kenny Chesney • I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. – Garry Shandling • I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. – Garry Shandling • I’m friends with a lot of my exes, but it took time. We didn’t just get into it. I don’t think you can be friends until you’re cool with them dating someone else. That’s when you know. – Rashida Jones • I’m much more interested in what an actor has to say about something substantial and important than who they’re dating or what clothes they’re wearing or some other asinine, insignificant aspect of their life. – Ben Affleck • I’m not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who’d owned a lunch box with my picture on it. – Shaun Cassidy • I’m not great at dating, but I need to do it to relax. – Lena Dunham • I’m not interested in serial dating; I’d honestly rather be single. – Tamsin Egerton • I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy. – Vanessa Hudgens • I’m not with anybody, I don’t have time for dating. Not to get too personal, but it’s weirdly harder to meet new people now. But for the first time in my life since I was a little kid, I’m not so concerned about it. – Justin Vernon • I’m of the belief that dating “potential” is almost always an exercise in frustration. – Mallory Ortberg • I’m so an all-or-nothing person in dating, always. I’m big on not wasting time. And so, yeah, if something’s not working, it’s time to not hold people back. – Ginnifer Goodwin • In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part). – Joy Browne • Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic? – Dov Davidoff • Is it a bad sign when you see the person you’re dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you’re rear view mirror? – Dov Davidoff • It was funny actually because that was still during the time we were dating. He would get all these calls because supposedly before we broke up, we had already broken up in the trades, in the rags or whatever. – Rosario Dawson • It was really shocking to me that when I was dating a dude I could get married and my taxes were 8 grand less, blah blah blah. – Sia Furler • It was V-day and I was stuck at home while the guy I was dating was at an Anti-Valentine’s Day party. How wrong was that? It was one thing to be totally alone on V-day, but another to want to be with someone who would rather spend the evening protesting love instead of making it. – Kate Madison • It’s always been my personal feeling that unless you are married, there is something that is not very dignified about talking about who you are dating. – Luke Wilson • It’s amazing how much time and money can be saved in the world of dating by close attention to detail. A white sock here, a pair of red braces there, a gray slip-on shoe, a swastika, are as often as not all one needs to tell you there’s no point in writing down phone numbers and forking out for expensive lunches because it’s never going to be a runner. – Helen Fielding • It’s so easy to misuse social media as a dating tool. I think it can be useful but it’s scary when you think about who can access this information and what they’re doing with it. – Justin Long • I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted. Where is he? – Kristin Davis • I’ve been dating younger men since my 20s, When I was 29, I dated someone 21… younger men are just more fun. I like their energy. I’ve always been kind of young for my age. – Dana Delany • I’ve been in plenty of situations where someone I’m dating had more time for a console than me. – Josie Maran • I’ve done a number of studies with speed dating and Match.com and what’s interesting is that you know we still walk into a speed dating event, you know, thinking about what it is we’re looking for in a mate and so you ask people, like women will say “I’m looking for somebody who is really kind and sincere and smart and funny.” – Sheena Iyengar • I’ve had a little bad, bad media luck the new year. Well, apparently I’m dating Bill Clinton, which makes me nervous. I didn’t know, though. – Julie Bowen • I’ve learned that I don’t want to be as open or public about relationships anymore. In my first relationship, I thought I could hold on to the normalcy of just being like “Yeah, we’re dating,” just like if it were high school and I was telling my friends. But in high school, there aren’t articles written everywhere when you break up and you don’t have everyone in the school coming up to you and asking what happened or sharing their opinion with you. It didn’t feel like ours anymore, it felt like everybody else’s. – Camila Cabello • Just because times change and alot of people think that dating multiple people is the thing these days, it just isn’t a solid foundation at all in matters of the heart. I still believe in marriages that have a physically powerful foundation. – Angela Merkel • Like the guy I was dating. White, liberal, educated. I went to meet his family and I think that they probably didn’t know they had a problem with it until he walked in with me. And they definitely had issues. Mom had issues with it. Could not, didn’t want to see her son. And I don’t think she had anything against me. But it was about her son bringing me home. And I felt that for the first time. I was like, ‘Wow, that’s deep.’ It’s really simple: I don’t fit their picture. – Sanaa Lathan • My husband is the only guy I’ve ever dated where I’ve never been drunk around him. I couldn’t handle dating without drinking in the past. – Alison Rosen • My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I’m going to tell her I’m dating two different guys-Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer. – Michelle Landry • My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. ‘Sex and the City’ changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people. – Lindsay Lohan • My original inspiration was my mom: a few years after the death of my dad, she started dating one my teachers! – Meg Cabot • My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy • My wife and I have been together since 1986. I graduated in ’86 and she graduated in ’88. We began dating when she was 17. Actually she turned 18 when we started kissing and stuff. – Cuba Gooding, Jr. • No one knew me until I met my wife Lulu. Lulu’s mother used to ask, Which one is Maurice? For six months she thought Lulu was dating Barry. – Maurice Gibb • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. – Scott Adams • Of course, a lot of courtship and dating is about sexual attraction. If you’re an attractive person, you have that sort of interest from people, whether you cater to it or not, but when you get older, that’s not really the leading thing anymore. – Patricia Arquette • Oh, my dating skills are the worst. No, I pick the wrong men; it’s amazing. I am awful, the worst dater. – Paget Brewster • On girls night in we talk about dating; the ups and downs of the previous week. Our collective laughter is uncontrollable and tearful, even the most disappointing dates become meritorious on girls night in. – Cilla Black • On the Hugh Grant romance rumours: We’re not dating and I’m not pregnant. We have not kissed or touched. We have not fought and broken up. – Sandra Bullock • One of my best friends is dating my other best friend, Lena! – Taylor Swift • Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. – Conan O’Brien • Rumors about me? Calista Flockhart, Pam Anderson, and Matt Damon. That’s who I’m dating. – Ben Affleck • So if I was dating somebody now and the relationship didn’t work out, I’d take that as failing – Gavin DeGraw • Some burns,” Clary said. “Nothing that matters” “Everything that happens to you matters to me.” “Well that certainly explains why you haven’t called me back once. And the last time I saw you, you ran away without telling me why. It’s like dating a ghost.” Jace’s mouth quirked up slightly at the side. “Not exactly. Isabelle actually dated a ghost. She could tell you–” “No,” Clary said. “It was a metaphor. And you know exactly what I mean. – Cassandra Clare • Tess realized one of the great modern dating sadnesses: everyone is so used to the comforting glow of the computer screen that no one can go so far as to say “good morning” in public without being liquored up. – Amelia Gray • That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. – Michelle Obama • The global economy is becoming a place where women are more successful than men, and these economic changes are starting to rapidly affect our culture – what our romantic comedies look like, what our marriages look like, what our dating lives look like, and our new set of superheroes. – Hanna Rosin • The Google algorithm was a significant development. I’ve had thank-you emails from people whose lives have been saved by information on a medical website or who have found the love of their life on a dating website. – Tim Berners-Lee • The inspiration for this movie [Something New] was this Newsweek article that came out a couple of years ago that talks about 42.4 percent of black women in America aren’t married. Black women are shooting up the corporate ladder way faster than our black male counterparts. And (black men) are either dating outside their race, in jail or dying. And so if you want to have a family, you want to be married, you have to look at other options. – Sanaa Lathan • The learned are not agreed as to the time when the Gospel of John was written; some dating it as early as the year 68, others as late as the year 98; but it is generally conceded to have been written after all the others. – Simon Greenleaf • The love is so powerful that both people have to surrender. I think that’s the funny thing about dating somebody for the first time, it’s kind of a question of who wears the pants, or who’s gonna text you first, how much am I supposed to put myself out there, and it makes you feel a little bit crazy. But at the end of the day, it’s not about that. And if it’s the right person you don’t have to worry about that. – Zella Day • The most difficult part of dating is the initial invitation. – Janell Carroll • The number of people who have either gotten married or had kids or started dating or just made great friends over Instagram is countless. I think we’re the only platform that continues to be successful in bringing people together in real life for these real relationships. – Kevin Systrom • The United States is now relearning an ancient lesson, dating back to the Roman Empire. Brutalizing an enemy only serves to brutalize the army ordered to do it. Torture corrodes the mind of the torturer. – James Risen • The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed. – Bill Maher • The woman I am currently crazy about was a vegetarian for a year until I started dating her. As is the case with most vegetarians, she had never eaten properly prepared meat, only commercially packaged or otherwise abused flesh. – Steve Albini • There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. – Judith Martin • There is no golden rule of dating, except to make sure that it engages both of you; too many people go to a cinema for a first date and of course don’t say a word, that’s a bad thing! – Steven Hill • There’s an interesting story around that [“Heaven Without a Gun”], because the girl I was dating at the time got into a bike accident and couldn’t make it into the studio, and the gentleman Dave Hamlin who worked on this record along with Ohad sort of took it, rearranged it. Dave went and sonically changed it and changed the keys so that Andy could sing it better. All these pieces came together that suddenly displayed that the song was meant for Andy [Kim] to sing. And he always said, “I’ll never understand it, but I’ll sing it with all my heart.” – Kevin Drew • There’s no way to get around it; online dating is work. And some people are more skilled at this kind of communication than others. – Rachel Martin • We had two rules growing up in my house: If you’re going to take a shower, do it with whomever you’re dating so you don’t waste water; and if you buy one for yourself, buy six, because everybody’s going to want one. – Moon Unit Zappa • Well, dating has become a sport and not about finding the person you love. – Rashida Jones • Whats nice about my dating life is that I dont have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: Im marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day-Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day. – Julia Roberts • When I had been dating my husband for a while, the president Obama said to me, “When is he going to put a ring on it?” And I was like, “Oh, come on. We are so busy. We don’t need to think about that.” He said, “He needs to put a ring on it because you’re worth it.” And the thing is, I’m not even kidding you, it was about a week or two later that we got engaged. – Alyssa Mastromonaco • When I met Nathan, I told my tour manager he was too good-looking for me. I don’t have a history of dating good-looking men. I’ve always complained that girls don’t get male groupies, and now I’ve married the first groupie I’ve ever had. – Nina Persson • When I saw music as a means to an end – more fame, more money, dating celebrities – that’s when things have gone terribly wrong. Now my life is focused on just trying to keep making music. Because when it’s really good, it’s just the most remarkable feeling on the planet. – Moby • When someone is good, but it doesn’t seem like their world will collapse if they don’t get the part, it’s more appealing. It’s like dating someone: You don’t want someone who’s too into you. – Steve Carell • While she could hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep, certain things now made perfect sense; Moon River didn’t sound so syrupy, mistletoe wasn’t such a bad idea, and perhaps dating was not such a frivolous waste of time after all. – E. A. Bucchianeri • With my husband it was never like “omg, should I text him?” or “he didn’t call me for two days.” So, I think I knew it was right because it just happened so naturally. That’s one piece of advice that I would give to women who are struggling in this crazy world of dating. – Lindsay Ellingson • Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people. – Douglas Coupland • Would a dating service for people on the net be “frowned upon” by DCA? I hope not. But even if it is, don’t let that stop you from notifying me via net mail if you start one. – Richard Stallman • You know, I had my mother and my father convincing me that he would be going back to Hollywood and he’d be back with the actresses and dating them and that he wasn’t serious about me at all. So I had him saying one thing to me and my parents telling me something else. – Priscilla Presley • You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. – Michelle Obama • You’re talking to someone who has been married to various people for the last 40 years of her life. Dating is not really something familiar. I’ve never really been a dater. – Stockard Channing

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Dating Quotes

Official Website: Dating Quotes

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• A lot of people wouldn’t feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren’t dating my girlfriend. – Dov Davidoff • About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them. – Judy Carter • After a number of years dating, we decided we were good partners. – Melinda Gates • Are you kidding? I’m a terrible cook, but John is a really great one. Literally, I never cook. The whole time we were dating, I prepared two officially romantic meals. Both of them were such disasters that he begs me never to go into the kitchen again. – Rebecca Romijn • At the time that I knew them, they were not living together. They began dating again after their divorce, so I didn’t really see fighting. – Kato Kaelin

jQuery(document).ready(function($) var data = action: 'polyxgo_products_search', type: 'Product', keywords: 'Dating', orderby: 'rand', order: 'DESC', template: '1', limit: '68', columns: '4', viewall:'Shop All', ; jQuery.post(spyr_params.ajaxurl,data, function(response) var obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); jQuery('#thelovesof_dating').html(obj); jQuery('#thelovesof_dating img.swiper-lazy:not(.swiper-lazy-loaded)' ).each(function () var img = jQuery(this); img.attr("src",img.data('src')); img.addClass( 'swiper-lazy-loaded' ); img.removeAttr('data-src'); ); ); ); • Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town. – Tom Clancy • Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating. – Greg Behrendt • Celebrities say they date other celebrities because they have the same job. But I think they just like dating famous people. Celebrities attract each other, like cattle. – Jason Lee • Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer. – Rita Mae Brown • Dating a new man is like holding a strawberry milkshake; first the taste, then the pleasure. – Marilyn Monroe • Dating is a give and take. If you only see it as “Taking,” you are not getting it. – Henry Cloud • Dating is a place to practice how to relate to other people. – Henry Cloud • Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen. – Henry Cloud • Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other. It’s just that constant strangeness. I think it’s a very real thing. – Jason Schwartzman • Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier. – Caprice Crane • Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? – Jerry Seinfeld • Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is. – Henry Cloud • Dating is probably the most important aspect of a single person’s life. – Linda Sunshine • Dating is really all about sex. In the conventional context, this means that the man invites the woman to go through a social encounter, the ultimate purpose of which is sexual engagement. – Alexander McCall Smith • Dating now is a lot like going shopping when you don’t have any money. Even if you find the right thing, you can’t do anything about it. – Joshua Harris • Dating should be a part of your life, not your life a part of dating. There is more to life than finding a date. – Henry Cloud • Dodi got a lot of criticism when he began dating Princess Diana. No one seemed to think he was good enough for her. – Lorna Luft • Encourage your children to come to you for counsel with their problems and questions by listening to them every day. Discuss with them such important matters as dating, sex, and other matters affecting their growth and development, and do it early enough so they will not obtain information from questionable sources. – Ezra Taft Benson • Envy is what makes you, when an acquaintance is lustily telling you that she’s dating a Greek god of a guy, ask, ‘Which one, Hades?’ – Gina Barreca • Everyone was like, “Why do you need to meet someone on Match.com?” My response was, “I certainly don’t need to meet more of the same broke, acting class guys that I’d been dating my whole life.” I needed to change that whole paradigm. So, I decided to meet some corporate guys and see how that worked. So, I went on Match, but I didn’t put a picture up, because I’m on television, and I didn’t want anybody contacting me for the wrong reasons. So, I had to do the hunting, as it were. I didn’t anticipate meeting my husband online, but there he was. And it all worked out! – Essence Atkins • Gay men should not adopt the sophomoric model of heterosexual dating; gay men should always have sex first. – John Rechy • Good-looking individuals are treated better than homely ones in virtually every social situation, from dating to trial by jury. – Martha Beck • Here’s the funny thing about the response I’ve been aware of to my dating famous people: It’s been very negative. I’m either not good-looking enough, not a good enough actor or not successful enough for these people. – Dax Shepard • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Mike Binder • How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide? – Judy Tenuta • I also find it interesting that a lot of people in their 30s are not married and don’t have kids. There are a lot of people in this age bracket that are out there dating and trying to find love. And I never thought that at my age I would be. – John Stamos • I came to the realization that I started dating my now-wife junior year of college, before you actually went on a date. You didn’t take girls from college out to dinner. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never been on a date where I didn’t know the end game. I’ve never casually dated someone. I’ve only been out to dinner with the woman who would eventually be my wife. – Jon Gabrus • I can’t imagine dating a boy, meeting him only outside the home. What’s a home and family for if it’s not the center of one’s life? – Loretta Young • I can’t wait for my little sisters to start dating, because it will really be fun to pick on their boyfriends. – David Gallagher • I could be a party girl, dating whoever I want and being reckless, but I like being in a relationship. When you have somebody who grounds you and keeps you sane, it helps. – Eva Longoria • I do like dating cynics – they tend to be incredibly funny. – Chris Pine • I don’t have the best dating track record. – Lauren Conrad • I don’t know the first real thing about the dating game. I don’t know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general. – Jason Schwartzman • I don’t really comment on my personal life because I feel like any comment at all is opening up a whole can of worms. I’d just rather not talk about who I’m dating. – Josh Hartnett • I don’t think courting and dating is a liability. I actually think it can be a blessing. – Rebecca St. James • I don’t understand the whole dating thing. I know right off the bat if I’m interested in someone, and I don’t want them to waste their money on me and take me out to eat if I know I’m not interested in that person. – Britney Spears • I feel like I’ve always had gay fans, I don’t think my dating a woman has changed my demographic, but it certainly changed the way I feel about politics. – Sia Furler • I got that experience through dating dozens of men for six years after college, getting an entry level magazine job at 21, working in the fiction department at Good Housekeeping and then working as a fashion editor there as well as writing many articles for the magazine. – Judith Krantz • I grew up between the two world wars and received a rather solid general education, the kind middle class children enjoyed in a country whose educational system had its roots dating back to the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy. – George Andrew Olah • I grew up in the world of bad television, on my dad’s sets and then as a young schmuck on dating shows and so on. – George Clooney • I have been dating someone that treats my heart like it’s monkey meat. I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time so I need to learn what it’s like to be treated well before it’s too late for me. – Hannah • I just can’t fathom tweeting, and I’d rather spend my time writing a book than a blog, but I rather grudgingly agreed to a Facebook page. I had a brief, intense romance with Facebook. It’s weirdly addictive, but anything that time-sucking is a danger for a writer who writes as slowly as I do. Now I post only occasionally and nothing very confessional. I think I’m carbon dating myself as I speak. – Debra Dean • I just don’t like when there’s a rumor that says I’m dating someone who is below my standards. But when I got divorced, my ex-wife said I was spending all my time with Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie. I was like, ‘Thank you for the big ups!’ – Marilyn Manson • I knew dating the son of Satan would turn out badly – Darynda Jones • I like the idea of dating, but I’m not dating anyone exclusively, particularly right now. It’s hard to be in a relationship unless you’re ready to go public with it. So it’s a lot easier for me to not be in a relationship. I really don’t want that part of my life to be tabloid fodder. – Cory Monteith • I love being a single mom. But it’s definitely different when you’re dating. – Brooke Burns • I prefer ordinary girls – you know, college students, waitresses, that sort of thing. Most of the girls I go out with are just good friends. Just because I go out to the cinema with a girl, it doesn’t mean we are dating. – Leonardo DiCaprio • I started dating older men, and I would fall in love with them. I thought they could teach me about life. – Daphne Zuniga • I stopped dating for six months a year ago. Dating requires a lot of energy and focus. – Daphne Zuniga • I think a man’s dream woman changes as he goes through different stages in his life. I’m fortunate to be dating my dream woman now. – Wissam Al Mana • I think I should date a normal girl. I am tired of dating heroines. While I believe in marriage as an institution, I am also petrified of it. – Shahid Kapoor • I think I’m definitely more open. You know the thing is I wouldn’t have said I was closed before, but like, it’s the kind of thing that you don’t even think of other options. I’ve been dating black men for really, for like, I don’t know, 10 years. You know, I haven’t really dated outside of that. Now I think I’m probably am more open to the idea. – Sanaa Lathan • I think more dating stuff is scheduling. It’s needing people who understand your work schedule. – Jennifer Love Hewitt • I tried to tell them about the dating process because I’m single now and how horrible it is and how many foolish experiences I had had dating. So I was really selling him hard, but the whole time he really wanted me! – Andie MacDowell • I want my audience to know me for my work, not because of who I’m dating or what drugs I’m on or what club I went to. – Shia LaBeouf • I want to start dating the man that I’m gonna marry. I want to start having some fun with someone that I know I’m gonna be with. I don’t play any games. I’m too old for that. I’ve been there, I’ve been around the block. – LisaRaye McCoy-Misick • I was dating a guy that was a huge wrestling fan and I’m embarrassed to say it now but I used to make fun of him for watching it. – Torrie Wilson • I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word ‘YOU’ and I just put the letter ‘U’. – Kelly Osbourne • I was thrown into the fashion world, dating models – and you’d read about me dating a new starlet every month. That’s just where my life was. But I’ve grown up a lot. – Stephen Dorff • If you want me to be straight, gay, into monkeys, dating Kylie, whatever, I’m happy for people to project whatever onto me! – Darren Hayes • I’m a bad dater – I’m just not good at it. It’s so weird dating in this town. It’s like high school. I get a lot of people who have their publicist call my agent to ask, ‘Is she dating anyone? – Jules Asner • I’m dating a girl who’s pretty levelheaded. She’s a nurse. She’s a real, normal girl. Which is what I need because my life isn’t normal. – Kenny Chesney • I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. – Garry Shandling • I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. – Garry Shandling • I’m friends with a lot of my exes, but it took time. We didn’t just get into it. I don’t think you can be friends until you’re cool with them dating someone else. That’s when you know. – Rashida Jones • I’m much more interested in what an actor has to say about something substantial and important than who they’re dating or what clothes they’re wearing or some other asinine, insignificant aspect of their life. – Ben Affleck • I’m not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who’d owned a lunch box with my picture on it. – Shaun Cassidy • I’m not great at dating, but I need to do it to relax. – Lena Dunham • I’m not interested in serial dating; I’d honestly rather be single. – Tamsin Egerton • I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy. – Vanessa Hudgens • I’m not with anybody, I don’t have time for dating. Not to get too personal, but it’s weirdly harder to meet new people now. But for the first time in my life since I was a little kid, I’m not so concerned about it. – Justin Vernon • I’m of the belief that dating “potential” is almost always an exercise in frustration. – Mallory Ortberg • I’m so an all-or-nothing person in dating, always. I’m big on not wasting time. And so, yeah, if something’s not working, it’s time to not hold people back. – Ginnifer Goodwin • In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part). – Joy Browne • Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic? – Dov Davidoff • Is it a bad sign when you see the person you’re dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you’re rear view mirror? – Dov Davidoff • It was funny actually because that was still during the time we were dating. He would get all these calls because supposedly before we broke up, we had already broken up in the trades, in the rags or whatever. – Rosario Dawson • It was really shocking to me that when I was dating a dude I could get married and my taxes were 8 grand less, blah blah blah. – Sia Furler • It was V-day and I was stuck at home while the guy I was dating was at an Anti-Valentine’s Day party. How wrong was that? It was one thing to be totally alone on V-day, but another to want to be with someone who would rather spend the evening protesting love instead of making it. – Kate Madison • It’s always been my personal feeling that unless you are married, there is something that is not very dignified about talking about who you are dating. – Luke Wilson • It’s amazing how much time and money can be saved in the world of dating by close attention to detail. A white sock here, a pair of red braces there, a gray slip-on shoe, a swastika, are as often as not all one needs to tell you there’s no point in writing down phone numbers and forking out for expensive lunches because it’s never going to be a runner. – Helen Fielding • It’s so easy to misuse social media as a dating tool. I think it can be useful but it’s scary when you think about who can access this information and what they’re doing with it. – Justin Long • I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted. Where is he? – Kristin Davis • I’ve been dating younger men since my 20s, When I was 29, I dated someone 21… younger men are just more fun. I like their energy. I’ve always been kind of young for my age. – Dana Delany • I’ve been in plenty of situations where someone I’m dating had more time for a console than me. – Josie Maran • I’ve done a number of studies with speed dating and Match.com and what’s interesting is that you know we still walk into a speed dating event, you know, thinking about what it is we’re looking for in a mate and so you ask people, like women will say “I’m looking for somebody who is really kind and sincere and smart and funny.” – Sheena Iyengar • I’ve had a little bad, bad media luck the new year. Well, apparently I’m dating Bill Clinton, which makes me nervous. I didn’t know, though. – Julie Bowen • I’ve learned that I don’t want to be as open or public about relationships anymore. In my first relationship, I thought I could hold on to the normalcy of just being like “Yeah, we’re dating,” just like if it were high school and I was telling my friends. But in high school, there aren’t articles written everywhere when you break up and you don’t have everyone in the school coming up to you and asking what happened or sharing their opinion with you. It didn’t feel like ours anymore, it felt like everybody else’s. – Camila Cabello • Just because times change and alot of people think that dating multiple people is the thing these days, it just isn’t a solid foundation at all in matters of the heart. I still believe in marriages that have a physically powerful foundation. – Angela Merkel • Like the guy I was dating. White, liberal, educated. I went to meet his family and I think that they probably didn’t know they had a problem with it until he walked in with me. And they definitely had issues. Mom had issues with it. Could not, didn’t want to see her son. And I don’t think she had anything against me. But it was about her son bringing me home. And I felt that for the first time. I was like, ‘Wow, that’s deep.’ It’s really simple: I don’t fit their picture. – Sanaa Lathan • My husband is the only guy I’ve ever dated where I’ve never been drunk around him. I couldn’t handle dating without drinking in the past. – Alison Rosen • My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I’m going to tell her I’m dating two different guys-Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer. – Michelle Landry • My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. ‘Sex and the City’ changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people. – Lindsay Lohan • My original inspiration was my mom: a few years after the death of my dad, she started dating one my teachers! – Meg Cabot • My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy • My wife and I have been together since 1986. I graduated in ’86 and she graduated in ’88. We began dating when she was 17. Actually she turned 18 when we started kissing and stuff. – Cuba Gooding, Jr. • No one knew me until I met my wife Lulu. Lulu’s mother used to ask, Which one is Maurice? For six months she thought Lulu was dating Barry. – Maurice Gibb • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. – Scott Adams • Of course, a lot of courtship and dating is about sexual attraction. If you’re an attractive person, you have that sort of interest from people, whether you cater to it or not, but when you get older, that’s not really the leading thing anymore. – Patricia Arquette • Oh, my dating skills are the worst. No, I pick the wrong men; it’s amazing. I am awful, the worst dater. – Paget Brewster • On girls night in we talk about dating; the ups and downs of the previous week. Our collective laughter is uncontrollable and tearful, even the most disappointing dates become meritorious on girls night in. – Cilla Black • On the Hugh Grant romance rumours: We’re not dating and I’m not pregnant. We have not kissed or touched. We have not fought and broken up. – Sandra Bullock • One of my best friends is dating my other best friend, Lena! – Taylor Swift • Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. – Conan O’Brien • Rumors about me? Calista Flockhart, Pam Anderson, and Matt Damon. That’s who I’m dating. – Ben Affleck • So if I was dating somebody now and the relationship didn’t work out, I’d take that as failing – Gavin DeGraw • Some burns,” Clary said. “Nothing that matters” “Everything that happens to you matters to me.” “Well that certainly explains why you haven’t called me back once. And the last time I saw you, you ran away without telling me why. It’s like dating a ghost.” Jace’s mouth quirked up slightly at the side. “Not exactly. Isabelle actually dated a ghost. She could tell you–” “No,” Clary said. “It was a metaphor. And you know exactly what I mean. – Cassandra Clare • Tess realized one of the great modern dating sadnesses: everyone is so used to the comforting glow of the computer screen that no one can go so far as to say “good morning” in public without being liquored up. – Amelia Gray • That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. – Michelle Obama • The global economy is becoming a place where women are more successful than men, and these economic changes are starting to rapidly affect our culture – what our romantic comedies look like, what our marriages look like, what our dating lives look like, and our new set of superheroes. – Hanna Rosin • The Google algorithm was a significant development. I’ve had thank-you emails from people whose lives have been saved by information on a medical website or who have found the love of their life on a dating website. – Tim Berners-Lee • The inspiration for this movie [Something New] was this Newsweek article that came out a couple of years ago that talks about 42.4 percent of black women in America aren’t married. Black women are shooting up the corporate ladder way faster than our black male counterparts. And (black men) are either dating outside their race, in jail or dying. And so if you want to have a family, you want to be married, you have to look at other options. – Sanaa Lathan • The learned are not agreed as to the time when the Gospel of John was written; some dating it as early as the year 68, others as late as the year 98; but it is generally conceded to have been written after all the others. – Simon Greenleaf • The love is so powerful that both people have to surrender. I think that’s the funny thing about dating somebody for the first time, it’s kind of a question of who wears the pants, or who’s gonna text you first, how much am I supposed to put myself out there, and it makes you feel a little bit crazy. But at the end of the day, it’s not about that. And if it’s the right person you don’t have to worry about that. – Zella Day • The most difficult part of dating is the initial invitation. – Janell Carroll • The number of people who have either gotten married or had kids or started dating or just made great friends over Instagram is countless. I think we’re the only platform that continues to be successful in bringing people together in real life for these real relationships. – Kevin Systrom • The United States is now relearning an ancient lesson, dating back to the Roman Empire. Brutalizing an enemy only serves to brutalize the army ordered to do it. Torture corrodes the mind of the torturer. – James Risen • The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed. – Bill Maher • The woman I am currently crazy about was a vegetarian for a year until I started dating her. As is the case with most vegetarians, she had never eaten properly prepared meat, only commercially packaged or otherwise abused flesh. – Steve Albini • There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. – Judith Martin • There is no golden rule of dating, except to make sure that it engages both of you; too many people go to a cinema for a first date and of course don’t say a word, that’s a bad thing! – Steven Hill • There’s an interesting story around that [“Heaven Without a Gun”], because the girl I was dating at the time got into a bike accident and couldn’t make it into the studio, and the gentleman Dave Hamlin who worked on this record along with Ohad sort of took it, rearranged it. Dave went and sonically changed it and changed the keys so that Andy could sing it better. All these pieces came together that suddenly displayed that the song was meant for Andy [Kim] to sing. And he always said, “I’ll never understand it, but I’ll sing it with all my heart.” – Kevin Drew • There’s no way to get around it; online dating is work. And some people are more skilled at this kind of communication than others. – Rachel Martin • We had two rules growing up in my house: If you’re going to take a shower, do it with whomever you’re dating so you don’t waste water; and if you buy one for yourself, buy six, because everybody’s going to want one. – Moon Unit Zappa • Well, dating has become a sport and not about finding the person you love. – Rashida Jones • Whats nice about my dating life is that I dont have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: Im marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day-Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day. – Julia Roberts • When I had been dating my husband for a while, the president Obama said to me, “When is he going to put a ring on it?” And I was like, “Oh, come on. We are so busy. We don’t need to think about that.” He said, “He needs to put a ring on it because you’re worth it.” And the thing is, I’m not even kidding you, it was about a week or two later that we got engaged. – Alyssa Mastromonaco • When I met Nathan, I told my tour manager he was too good-looking for me. I don’t have a history of dating good-looking men. I’ve always complained that girls don’t get male groupies, and now I’ve married the first groupie I’ve ever had. – Nina Persson • When I saw music as a means to an end – more fame, more money, dating celebrities – that’s when things have gone terribly wrong. Now my life is focused on just trying to keep making music. Because when it’s really good, it’s just the most remarkable feeling on the planet. – Moby • When someone is good, but it doesn’t seem like their world will collapse if they don’t get the part, it’s more appealing. It’s like dating someone: You don’t want someone who’s too into you. – Steve Carell • While she could hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep, certain things now made perfect sense; Moon River didn’t sound so syrupy, mistletoe wasn’t such a bad idea, and perhaps dating was not such a frivolous waste of time after all. – E. A. Bucchianeri • With my husband it was never like “omg, should I text him?” or “he didn’t call me for two days.” So, I think I knew it was right because it just happened so naturally. That’s one piece of advice that I would give to women who are struggling in this crazy world of dating. – Lindsay Ellingson • Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people. – Douglas Coupland • Would a dating service for people on the net be “frowned upon” by DCA? I hope not. But even if it is, don’t let that stop you from notifying me via net mail if you start one. – Richard Stallman • You know, I had my mother and my father convincing me that he would be going back to Hollywood and he’d be back with the actresses and dating them and that he wasn’t serious about me at all. So I had him saying one thing to me and my parents telling me something else. – Priscilla Presley • You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. – Michelle Obama • You’re talking to someone who has been married to various people for the last 40 years of her life. Dating is not really something familiar. I’ve never really been a dater. – Stockard Channing

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