#who knows if i sit anywhere on that spectrum (even my mom thinks i do) but if i don't. i just want to be careful

[s0ckh3adstudios]

Hey random but if there's anything I'm ever somehow being disrespectful about or saying incorrectly or doing wrong things, PLEASE let me know because chances are I have absolutely no idea. Because the last thing I want to do is something disrespectful or offensive

[solesurvivorkat]

...It's been a long time.

Being a mom of 2 young kids, I'm busy, like... ALL the time. Have been for a long time now. Ever since one of my coworkers retired, I've basically been doing the job of TWO people ('Oh we're going to hire someone to replace him, we promise'... yeah, okay...). It's been non-stop since... God, I don't even remember when.

I finally started getting a bit burnt-out at work, and - longer story short - applied for a different position within the company I work for. And I got it! Granted, I work for an insurance company - it's not wholly interesting (I think, anyway, lol)... but at least I (hopefully) won't feel like I'm on a treadmill, constantly working and not really getting anywhere worthwhile. I haven't started the position yet - I'm still doing my current job until... they tell me otherwise, lol. Supposedly I should be able to start my new job 'soon'... but I've heard that more than once, so who knows when that will really be. At least there will be an end in sight SOMEtime in the (hopefully near) future.

Even now, after all this time... I still think about my writing. About my fics. I know... it's been forever. No one probably even cares anymore, lol. I'm just a tiny bit bummed that stuff got let hanging on all 3 fics and was never finished. :-/ I had such plans for those stories, too. For the characters. Such 'storylines' that I thought were cool, clever.

...Life.

And I still think about the people I used to hang with online from time to time. I haven't forgotten anyone. ...I'm sure some have forgotten me. And that's okay... that happens in life sometimes. Sometimes people are part of your life for a short period of time, and then life just takes you in different directions. I was one of the 'old people' in the group anyway, so even when I fit in, I didn't really 100% fit in. ...But then again, I almost never 100% fit in anywhere anyway, lol. Kind of what happens when you're 'on the spectrum'... it's like being an alien, or being on the other side of a store window watching the people inside. You can still communicate with them (and vice-versa), but... there's still an invisible barrier there.

So... yeah, I dunno, lol. For the first time in what feels like a really, really, REALLY long time, I had a moment at work in which I could actually just sit in my chair and just... 'think'. Reminisce. Remember. ...Think about some of the stuff I miss. The people I used to talk to. The things I used to do. I don't regret having kids, of course (I adore my 'babies' - even in some of their worst, most frustrating & draining moments), but I can't help but remember as I walk by that imaginary glass window... if there's anyone that turns their head and looks back at me, remembers who I was. Wonders how I am. If I'm even a micro-second of a thought.

((So... in the rare chance that anyone comes across this and *IS* still curious - no offense taken if you're not - my son is now 6 & in kindergarten, my daughter is now 2, work & my kids take up almost all of my time. I'm perpetually busy, and don't feel like I have as much energy for 'extra' things like I used to. I still make magnetic glasses toppers - but haven't spent as much time doing that for a bit b/c I've been so drained on a regular basis. I still update my YouTube channel (and want to get back into that more), it's just been slow-going for now.

I'm not unhappy - just very busy and only have so many 'spoons' per day to spend... once I run out of those, I just don't have the ability to get much else done. I know things won't be like this forever - I look forward to changing jobs in the future (again, same company), with the possibility to work from home once I'm trained (someday), which I think will make my life QUITE a bit easier (saving some money on gas, being home more, not getting home from work as late in the day, having an easier time making appointments & such, etc). So... we'll see, I guess.))

[tomorrow-is-in-your-hands]

Things I have in common with Sam Porter Bridges

I finally got my adderall so I can actually write without wanting to scream. Warning, there may be a tangent or two.

TW for mention of bullying.

General story spoilers and spoiler’s specific to Sam’s backstory.

- doesn’t like being touched

- on the asexual spectrum

Sam is canonically demisexual as stated in Lucy’s journals (I think it was #7.) While there is ignorance with how term is used with it being treated as a diagnosis instead of a label for someone’s sexual orientation, It didn’t feel malicious and wasn’t seen as something about Sam that needed to change. it’s really nice to see a character I deeply connect with explicitly stated to be on the ace spectrum.

Tangent time.

I also enjoy how in Director’s Cut they added an addendum to the An Asexual World entry and stated why and what they got wrong while also keeping the writing within the context of DS’ world.

For those who don’t know, the article made the false correlation between declining birthrates and a rise in more people identifying as asexual. In DC they made an addendum basically saying that a rise in acceptance of queer identities was why there were more people identifying as ace.

The fact that KojiPro took the time to correct that misinformation meant a lot to me personally and it made me cry when I read it.

Tangent over.

- brown hair

- blue eyes

- grew up in single mother households

- had a mother who worked all the time so was very absent during childhood

My mom is thankfully still alive and I now have a good relationship with her.

- described or seen as calm and or stoic but in reality it’s an unconscious coping mechanism

This is more my own interpretation of Sam’s demeanor

- have frequent nightmares and or generally disturbing dreams

- can fall asleep anywhere

If you’re AFK for too long Sam will sit down and eventually fall asleep.

Also hey I grew up on a school bus and lived with 9 people in a 4 person house, there wasn’t always a bed available or I had to share a bed with my siblings. Seriously put me anywhere and I’ll probably be able to fall asleep.

The End

That’s all I can think of. This is the only place I can really talk about Death Stranding ‘cause almost none of my friends/family have played it and I don’t wanna spoil it for anyone I know who might play it. (though my brother and sister plan on playing it and that makes me really happy.)

I also have a lot of shame from being bullied about my interests as a kid. I also hyperfocus on the things I like and won’t stop talking when someone asks me about them which may get annoying and then I feel bad so I don’t bring up the things I like, even though everyone says it’s fine. I’m doing the whole not being able to stop talking thing now...

Ahhggg alright...

The End (for real)

[umbrellas-umbrellaseverywhere]

Van HCs

Okay so I saw this post ->

And I HAD to do it for the TUA bbs so I hope you guys enjoy :P

This is how they would sit and no you cannot change my mind

Luther

okay so maybe a couple of the siblings tried to fight Luther for driving rights

but Luther is the WORST when it comes to backseat driving

like Allison is pretty bad and don't even get me STARTED on Diego

but, god

Luther is the WORST

he also totally does that thing every dad I know does where he has to check a million times to make sure they have everything before they go ANYWHERE

"and you're SURE we brought the-"

"for fucks sake YES, we have EVERYTHING"

literally tunes everyone else out as soon as they hit the highway and is v focused on the road

because he'll be damned if they went through all this shit and then end up dying because he hit a slick spot on the road

Diego

he's the one who fought Luther the hardest for driving privilege

he lost but only because Luther annoys the fuck out of him when he tries to drive

honestly the only reason he even wanted to drive was because Luther drives so S L O W

like c'mon

everyone knows speed limits are only suggestions

since he doesn't get to drive, he has total control over the radio

even though everyone HATES the station he chooses

half of them are convinced he just picks the stations he thinks will annoy Luther the most

but Luther doesn't even pay attention so it's pretty much in vain

when he gets bored of messing with Luther he gazes out the window like a bored kid on a long road trip

Allison

mom

will fucking death glare anyone who tries to fuck with her so the back seaters (Klaus) don't even bother at this point

usually working on something (reading a book, looking through a stack of papers, working on some minuscule project)

honestly would've caved and taken a back seat if pressed hard enough, but super relieved that it didn't come to that

had to put down whatever she was doing a few times to stop a verbal spat

usually between Five and Klaus

she doesn't even really bother with Luther and Diego anymore

maybe tried to start up a game a few times, but gave up when it fell flat

bit of a backseat driver

Klaus

boy oh boy

everyone has beef with Klaus by the end of any road trip they go on

legitimately refuses to shut up the entire time

nags Diego persistently until he caved and allows him to pick the station for the duration of ONE song

fucks with Five CONSTANTLY

flicking Five on the back of his head

leaning over the seat to look at whatever Five is doing

asks so. many. questions.

the only time he gets quiet is when he receives one of Allison's death glares

but even that doesn't restrain him for long

the only joy he reaps from these car rides is from witnessing his siblings getting more and more exasperated at his antics

Five

mah boy just wants to gaze longingly out the window like the emo he is

gets super pissy at Klaus but honestly knows he would get bored if Klaus weren't there

that doesn't mean he won't snap a few times

would've been prepared to physically fight any of his siblings if they tried to seat him in the back

"hey guys, you ever heard of the quiet game?"

while Klaus does entertain him (not that he would admit it) he genuinely does wish he could get some peace and quiet

after 45 years you get used to peace and quiet

does crosswords and reads books when he can

Ben

Ben honestly hits both ends of the spectrum when it comes to car rides

for a good half of the trip, he retreats into his own little world

for the other half, he is the life of the unwanted party

he acts as Klaus' right hand man

but he's the one who comes up with increasingly rash ways to irritate the family

having Klaus drop ice cubes down Five's shirt? best moment of the whole trip.

in his calmer moments on the trip, he sometimes glances over Allison's shoulder to read along with her

he's the only one who manages to fall asleep in the car

Vanya

quiet bb

she reads books and newspapers and such

talks to Five about random things for a while

tries to keep Klaus entertained for the sake of the others, but he seems to get even more hyper on these trips so she can't keep him busy for long

tries to nap a few times but can't manage to get there

enjoys watching her siblings doing their individual things

is honestly super entertained by Klaus and plays along with a few of the things he and Ben pull

taps on Five's right shoulder and acts completely innocent when he turns around to look at her

he glares at Klaus and tries to figure out how he's turning away so quickly

until Vanya let's out a chuckle and gives it away

[annaraebananawriter]

Hands

First off...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE SQUID!!! 

I honestly had no idea it was his birthday until last night from twitter. I was in the middle of writing this scene, in fact, and realized ‘Hey, you know what? I could probably get this done in time for it!’. Now here we are.

Secondly...This is a scene from one of my WIP’s. It will probably take place somewhere in the middle chapters, but I saw that it was a fairly out of context scene to show that it wouldn’t really matter if I showed it now as a teaser or later. 

Obviously, I chose the latter.

That said, this is set to change a bit as the WIP develops, but it’ll be nice to see what you all think of it. Hope you enjoy!

Fandom: Undertale, but specifically UTMV

Pairings: Implied Errorink, or Pre-Errorink

Characters: Error (Who belongs to CQ) and Ink (Who belongs to Comyet)

Warnings: Nothing really. Although, again, it is a scene from a wip, which means that it is not in it’s final form. Let me know!

Word Count: 2488

~oOo~

His phone buzzed on the floor beside him. Ink paused in the middle of trying to balance a pencil on his finger, which was probably a losing battle, but since when has that ever stopped him before? That’s right, never. And it never would. Setting the pencil aside, he checked his phone and read the short message.

mommy-bear

Are you coming home for supper? It’s past 5.

Ink jumped, looking outside to see that, indeed, the sun was lower in the sky and time had in fact passed. They must’ve gotten lost in the throughs of their homework, or the casual avoidance of it, for one of them. Error seems to have made some sort of headway into the work from Mx. Alex. Good for him. He’ll be able to hand it in on Monday without it bugging him in the back of his mind while he ignores that bugging and just doddles instead of doing his work like he should until the next thing he knows it’s almost midnight on Sunday and he still hasn’t gotten it done.

But honestly, who would do that? Certainty not Ink.

Error had also noticed his jump and was looking at him now. “What is it?”

“Just a text from my mom.” He answered, gathering up his things. A glance to his study buddy showed Error blinking and setting down his pencil as well in order to listen. “She was just wondering where I was. It’s after five, y’know? I said I’d be back then.”

“Oh.” Error fell silent after that.

Once his things were all accounted for (he did lose his eraser for a minute there and partially freaked out about it, which was kind of silly as he had plenty more than just this one white one, others that were far more colourful, but he didn’t have to worry for long—Error had silently placed it on the bed for him to grab, making Ink smile in gratitude), Ink walked to the bedroom door and got to the top of the stairs before he realized another pair of footsteps were following him.

Man, Error really needed to take him up on the suggestion of bells. He was too silent on his feet, just too much like a ghost for his liking. Not that he didn’t like ghosts. He just didn’t like people being silent when their walking. It made him paranoid.

Ink turned around. “You know I can just walk myself back, right? I literally live right next door.” He held up one finger. “That’s the house right beside yours.”

Error scowled, just like he always did when Ink pointed things out like that. It was also a reason why he was determined to point things like that out as often as he did, which was rather often. “Don’t be stupid. Of course I know that.”

“Then why are you following me?”

“What if I wasn’t? What if I just decided to get some food? To do that, I’d need to go to the kitchen, which is also downstairs.” He gestured to the passageway to said downstairs. “Those are the only stairs to get there.”

Ink smirked, “You have a box on the top shelf of your closet where you keep all the chocolate you bought, stole, or stole from Fell.” This statement was rewarded with a light blush of embarrassment from Error, who looked around as if to make sure his brothers didn’t overhear.

Ink was sure that they already knew though.

He also suspected that they put chocolate in the box too, as Error was sometimes surprised that there was some there when he had said he had eaten it all.

“I didn’t even say I was getting chocolate! I might be getting something else.”

“You don’t snack on anything but chocolate.” Error’s scowl deepened. “You also sort of admitted to following me” He couldn’t help but laugh when the blush on Error’s skull deepened in realization and his taller friend looked away from him. It was always interesting to see just how much it took to get to this shade of blue, with the yellow freckle-like dots just barely seen overtop. The sight made Ink want to draw it.

He wanted to draw it so badly.

Laughter dying down, Ink tilted his head and smiled at Error. “If you wanted to walk with me, you could’ve just asked.”

For some reason, Error glanced back at him and quickly looked away again, blush deepening again, the yellow becoming brighter. He also started to glitch a little bit, which would normally spark a tiny bit of worry, but he could see that the other wasn’t in any danger, so he had no reason to worry. If the glitches got worse, then he could worry.

That was…pretty much the saying for being friends with him.

‘If the glitches got worse, then you could worry.’

Error burrowed down, like he usually would if he had his scarf on. It was, presumably, back in his room. Weird. The glitch he knew never went anywhere without his scarf; at school, at home, at the café, at the park, walking, sitting, it was always on. Well, it probably came off at home. Here he was with his family, a safe, happy environment away from the judging eyes of school and the city. He could be himself here. That’s an assumption, at least, hopefully the right one. Ink didn’t know the relationship between skeleton and scarf and never asked, never would talk about it until, or if, Error brought it up. He wanted to respect his privacy, after all.

But now that he thought about it, the scarf had been coming off around him lately. It had started off small. It started with it being up to his mouth, almost as if a way to hide or be smaller than he was. That was how it was for a while. Then one morning, it was down just a bit, just under his mouth. And as the days passed and the two talked more and became friends, the scarf would be lower and lower. Down to the chin in Math. Under the chin the next day. Around his neck a week later in English class.

It was almost like earning his trust. He had earned Error’s trust, which meant that he got to see the skeleton behind the scarf. The true, unshielded one.

It was…kind of nice, to be honest.

Ink blinked, coming back to himself and realizing that Error had mumbled something.

“Sorry, what?”

Error looked back at him and sighed a little before speaking up just enough so that Ink could hear. “I said, can I…walk with you?” His arms went in front of him. Ink guessed that it was a temporary shield in place of the scarf.

He was prepared to be rejected and just walk back to his room.

Well, Ink couldn’t have that, now could he?

“Of course!” The smile on his face widened and he started down the stairs with lighter steps. It was always nice when friends offered to walk you home or something of the sort. The walk was less lonely, even if you never spoke a word.

It’s just how it was.

They talked in the small time it took to get from Error’s house to Ink’s. Well, that wasn’t really true. Ink did most of the talking, which ended up being mostly complaints about homework and school and also talk about his works in progresses. Error just listened quietly, humming or nodding in certain spots. He would like to think that Ink could talk about nothing at all and Error would listen. It just seemed to be the way he was.

Their friendship was a good one. Maybe there were a few unbalances here and there, but overall, it was good and healthy and, most importantly, mutual. It benefited both of them in different ways. Ink had someone who would listen without interrupting, who cared about his interest and how he felt, even though he didn’t have a soul and relied on substitutes. Error had someone who didn’t pressure him into a conversation, who gave him and respected his personal space and asked before touching his things and body. It was like a missing piece just fell into place, so perfect, it felt like it hadn’t been missing at all.

That said, there were some hurdles.

Like how Ink was soulless. There was always that thought, loud or quiet, one that questioned whether the love he felt towards his friends and family was real. Or if he was just deluding himself and everyone around him into thinking that they were. This thought had always been there, since before Dream and Blue, before Error, before anyone he was with now—what if it was all fake?

It was kind of silly. The substitutes he took acted as a soul. It supplied him his soul magic, the working parts of his body and the emotion spectrum. He may not feel things as intensely as others and may be lacking a feeling in a certain way, but that didn’t mean they weren’t real. They’re substitutes for a reason, after all.

…Ah! They’ve arrived at his house.

Ink blinked, stopping on the first step and turning back to Error. “So…” he said, finding himself unable to think of what else to say. He shifted awkwardly and cleared his throat. “I’ll see you next Friday?” He tried to think back on what else was going on in school. “We have some sort of project to do or test to study for, right?”

Error nodded. “Yeah, I think so.” He fell silent too, but didn’t leave like Ink had expected. He lingered, clearly thinking about something with the way his arms slightly glitched around. He didn’t say anything, though.

“Anything else?” Ink asked, trying to prompt him.

The blush, which had died down as they walked over here, brightened again. “Um…yeah, actually.” Error straightened and fiddled with his sleeve. “Do you remember the lesson we had…I think it was a month ago? In Health?”

Ink rocked on his heels as he thought. It was times like these that he cursed his memory. A month ago…a month ago…he didn’t really remember a lot of the lessons from a month ago. But the ones that he did… “Do you mean the one about the different types of intimacy? I only recall that it was about intimacy, nothing specific.”

“Yeah…yeah, that’s the one.”

“Okay…why is it important?” Curious. Error rarely asked him if he could remember a lesson from as long as a month ago. He knew how bad Ink’s memory was, so why did he ask? And why now, of all times?

“I, uh…w-well…” Error stuttered. Error didn’t normally stutter. It was only when he glitched really badly and was on the verge of crashing that he stuttered, or lagged, as he liked to call it. Normally, though, he spoke fine, if quiet and almost echoey.

Speaking of glitches…the ones on his arms had quickened up a little. Not enough to be too worrying yet, but definitely something to watch over.

Frowning, Ink was just about to bring that to attention when Error spoke again, voice clearer. “Just…can you…raise your hand?” He slowly brought up a hand with the inside facing Ink, like he was to high-five someone. “Like this?”

Ink eyed him suspiciously.

One of the first things he had learned about Error was that the other had haphephobia. He couldn’t stand people touching him, as it usually caused a flurry of glitches in the touched spot, and sometimes it was so bad that the minute someone touched him, he crashed. Those days were few, but they have happened. Ink had been lucky that it hasn’t happened since meeting Error. But this fact he had taken in and committed to memory, determined to not trigger his friend like that.

He would hate himself, if he did.

But now Error was asking him to raise his hand? For what? He couldn’t see them high-fiving. It would be too painful for Error and frankly a bit of a reach for Ink (he hated being short like that). And because it would be painful, he couldn’t see why he had to raise his hand.

But he was curious.

Curiosity usually made his answers for him.

Just as slowly as Error did, Ink raised his hand, mirroring the one in front of him.

Error inhaled and…

Ink’s mind froze.

He could barely focus on Error stepping closer as excitement and happiness began to take over. The urge to squeal was overwhelming, but he reigned himself in as he knew that wouldn’t help Error at all. It would probably just make him run away and never come near Ink again. And he didn’t want that. So, he forced himself to stay still and stay quiet, eyes focused on the hand that started to come closer and closer to his.

He could see the black bones begin to glitch a ton and felt a spark of worry—despite what might just happen, he didn’t want Error to hurt himself. He would never want him to—he should speak up now. He should tell Error to stop and calm down.

They didn’t have to do it like this.

They didn’t even have to touch at all!

They didn’t…have to…

It was…warm.

Fuzzy.

The hands contrasted starkly and they would be stunning in a painting. The white of Inks and the black of Errors. They were different, but they looked so well together.

This…This had to be a dream.

But it wasn’t. There was a light touch to his bones, just enough to know that the hand against his was, in fact, against his and trembling ever so slightly and actually existed in the world and not just his imagination. Somehow, this made it even more surreal. He knew it was real…but he just couldn’t believe it.

If this was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up.

Despite his promise to stay still, Ink shakily inhaled.

And just like that, the spell was broken.

Error retracted his hand and walked away quickly. Ink was slow to realize what was happening and so by the time his hand was up and the name of his tongue, his friend was already gone. He stood there with his arm outstretched, gazing at the house next door blankly.

He slowly looked down at his hand.

It still tingled.

Gently wrapping his other hand around it, not daring to actually touch, he brought the hands closer to his chest, right over where his soul would be.

It felt like something should be beating wildly in there.

It felt like some new emotion had been lodged in his substitutes.

And somehow, it felt like that contact, the light touch of hands, was far more intimate than a kiss had ever and would ever be.

[qqueenofhades]

I really don’t want to start a discourse™, but I want you to know that I really appreciate how you write joe and Nicky in deo volente. So many of the fics I’ve read have placed yusef in the role of more sexually experienced and less devoted to god, while Nicky is depicted as an inexperienced and virginal priest/knight/monk and so forth and so on. Your narrative of joe out there rescuing people and being faithful, while Nicky looks back on his life of gambling and pleasures of the flesh ...(1/?)

Not to say that there’s anything wrong with either, obviously. I love guilty priest Nicky and repressed Nicky and p much every Nicky. But in the vast array of fics out there, it’s rare to see the opposite. Not that you’re working in a binary morally good/religious vs. not way. Your writing in the fic is really subtle and and your characterizations reveal a lot of depth. I just think it’s cool to see Nicky, average second son of a duke, drinking and gambling and feeling terribly guilty (2/?)

Guilty about the crusades and the fucking horror of crusade 1 without being excessively devout. Just an average dude. Not some paragon of virtue (btw, I’m on chapter 2 of the fic, so I don’t know how much your characterization changes moving forward. You have a lovely ability to combine your incredible knowledge of history, your beautiful writing, and these intimate details of the characters that make them fit— fit the canon and fit the history. (3/? Shit I’m sorry this had gotten way too long)

I enjoy the way you’ve really inserted us into the quotidian aspect of history. Aaaaaanyway— the discourse that I was afraid of: I think that a lot of fans of the movie that are generating fan content (tysfm to all of you beauties, btw 🙏🙏♥️) are westerners (which is a whole nother kettle of fish) and that carries a sort of ignorance about the Muslim world in the Middle Ages and this desire to simplify Europe as “Christian” “fighters for faith” etc. (4/? Fuuuuck. One(??) more)

And when we do that, we end up as characterizing the brown people as “not that”. The thing I love about this fandom is that people are definitely down on the crusades. I feel like all the fic I’ve read has been particularly negative about those wars, but the thing I love about your fic is that you don’t just say war is bad because people died and it was despicable and this pious white dude says so and this one brown person agrees. (5/6, I see the end in sight I swear it)

Instead you give us a larger cast of Muslims and Arabs and really flesh them out and give them opinions and different interpretations of faith, and I really appreciate that. The crusades were terrible, and we know this because these regular dudes who struggle with their different faiths and lives say so. And I just. I think that’s really great. Also, I fucking love yusef’s mom. I feel like more people would be accepting of the gift in this fashion and I think she’s lovely and (god damn it 6/7)

Aaaaaaaand. The bit where yusef returns and she’s already gone breaks my fucking heart. Also the moment where he’s like “I’m not sure about Abraham’s god, but my mothers god is worth my faith”?? Just really fucking great. So. Excellent fic. Excellent characters. Excellent not-being-accidentally-biased-towards-white-Christians. That is what I came here to say. Thank you so much for your amazing stories. I love them and I love history. Sorry about the rambling. idek how I wrote so much. (7/7)

Epilogue: tl;dr: you’re great.

Oh man! What a huge and thoughtful comment (which will in turn provoke a long-ass response from me, so…) I absolutely agree that no matter what fandom, I don’t do Discourse TM; I just sit in my bubble and stay in my lane and do my own thing and create content I enjoy. And I don’t even think this is that so much as just… general commentary on character and background? So obviously all of this should be read as my own personal experience and choices in writing DVLA, and that alone. I really appreciate you for saying that you love a wide range of fan creators/fanworks and you’re not placing one over another, you understand that fans have diverse ranges of backgrounds/experience with history and other cultures when they create content, and that’s not the same for everyone. So I just think that’s a great and respectful way to start things off.

First, as a professional historian who has written a literal PhD thesis on the crusades, I absolutely understand that many people (and regular fans) will not have the same privilege/education/perspective that I do, and that’s fine! They should not be expected to get multiple advanced degrees to enjoy a Netflix movie! But since I DO have that background, and since I’ve been working on the intellectual genealogy of the crusades (and the associated Christian/Muslim component, whether racially or religiously) since I was a master’s student, I have a lot of academic training and personal feelings that inform how I write these characters. Aside from my research on all this, my sister lives in an Islamic country and her boyfriend is a Muslim man; I’ve known a lot of Muslims and Middle Easterners; and especially with the current political climate of Islamophobia and the reckoning with racism whether in reality or fandom, I have been thinking about all this a lot, and my impact on such.

Basically: I love Nicky dearly, but I ADORE Joe, and as such, I’m protective of him and certainly very mindful of how I write him. Especially when the obvious default for westerners in general, fandom-related or otherwise, is to write what you are familiar with (i.e. the European Christian white character) and be either less comfortable or less confident or sometimes less thoughtful about his opposing number. I have at times tangentially stumbled across takes on Joe that turn me into the “eeeeeeeh” emoji or Dubious Chrissy Teigen, but I honestly couldn’t tell you anything else about them because I was like, “nope not for me” and went elsewhere rather than do Discourse (which is pretty much a waste of time everywhere and always makes people feel bad). This is why I’m always selective about my fan content, but especially so with this ship, because I have SO much field-specific knowledge that I just have to make what I like and which suits my personal tastes. So that is what I do.

Obviously, there’s a troublesome history with the trope of “sexually liberate brown person seduces virginal white character into a world of Fleshly Decadence,” whether from the medieval correlation of “sodomite” and “Saracen,” or the nineteenth-century Orientalist depictions of the East as a land variously childishly simplistic, societally backward, darkly mysterious and Exotic, or “decadent” (read: code for sexually unlike Western Europe, including the spectrum of queer acts). So when I was writing DVLA, I absolutely did not want to do that and it’s not to my taste, but I’m not going to whip out a red pen on someone else writing a story that broadly follows those parameters (because as I said, I stay in my lane and don’t see it anyway). Joe to me is just such an intensely complex and lovely Muslim character that that’s the only way I feel like I can honestly write him, and I absolutely love that about him. So yeah, any depiction of hypersexualizing him or making him only available for the sexual use and education of the white character(s) is just... mmm, not for me.

For example, I stressed over whether it was appropriate to move his origin from “somewhere in the Maghreb” to Cairo specifically, since Egypt, while it IS in North Africa, is not technically part of the Maghreb. I realize that Marwan Kenzari’s family is Tunisian and that’s probably why they chose it, to honor the actor’s heritage, but on the flip side… “al-Kaysani” is also a specifically Ismai’li Shia name (it’s the name of a branch of it) and the Fatimids (the ruling dynasty in Jerusalem at the time of the First Crusade) were well-known for being the only Ismai’li Shia caliphate. (This is why the Shi’ites still ancestrally dislike Saladin for overthrowing it in 1174, even if Saladin is a huge hero to the rest of the Islamic world.) Plus I really wanted to use medieval Cairo as Joe’s homeland, and it just made more sense for an Ismai’li Shia Fatimid from Cairo (i.e. the actual Muslim denomination and caliphate that controlled Jerusalem) to be defending the Holy City because it was personal for him, rather than a Sunni Zirid from Ifriqiya just kind of turning up there. Especially due to the intense fragmentation and disorganization in the Islamic world at the time of the First Crusade (which was a big part of the reason it succeeded) and since the Zirids were a breakaway group from the Fatimids and therefore not very likely to be militarily allied with them. As with my personal gripes about Nicky being a priest, I decided to make that change because I felt, as a historian, that it made more sense for the character. But I SUPER recognize it as my own choices and tweaks, and obviously I’m not about to complain at anyone for writing what’s in graphic novel/bonus content canon!

That ties, however, into the fact that Nicky has a clearly defined city/region of origin (Genoa, which has a distinct history, culture, and tradition of crusading) and Joe is just said to be from “the Maghreb” which…. is obviously huge. (I.e. anywhere in North Africa west of Egypt all the way to Morocco.) And this isn’t a fandom thing, but from the official creators/writers of the comics and the movie. And I’m over here like: okay, which country? Which city? Which denomination of Islam? You’ve given him a Shia name but then point him to an origin in Sunni Ifriqiya. If he’s from there, why has he gone thousands of miles to Jerusalem in the middle of a dangerous war to help his religious/political rivals defend their territory? Just because he’s nice? Because it was an accident? Why is his motivation or reason for being there any less defined or any less religious (inasmuch as DVLA Nicky’s motive for being on the First Crusade is religious at all, which is not very) than the white character’s? In a sense, the Christians are the ones who have to work a lot harder to justify their presence in the Middle East in the eleventh century at all: the First Crusade was a specifically military and offensive invasion launched at the direct behest of the leader of the Western Roman church (Pope Urban II.) So the idea that they’re “fighting for the faith” or defending it bravely is…

Eeeeh. (Insert Dubious Chrissy Teigen.)

But of course, nobody teaches medieval history to anyone in America (except for Bad Game of Thrones History Tee Em), and they sure as hell don’t teach about the crusades (except for the Religious Violence Bad highlight reel) so people don’t KNOW about these things, and I wish they DID know, and that’s why I’m over here trying to be an academic so I can help them LEARN it, and I get very passionate about it. So once again, I entirely don’t blame people who have acquired this distorted cultural impression of the crusades and don’t want to do a book’s worth of research to write a fic about a Netflix movie. I do hope that they take the initiative to learn more about it because they’re interested and want to know more, since by nature the pairing involves a lot of complex religious, racial, and cultural dynamics that need to be handled thoughtfully, even if you don’t know everything about it. So like, basically all I want is for the Muslim character(s) to be given the same level of respect, attention to detail, background story, family context, and religious diversity as any of the white characters, and Imma do it myself if I have to. Dammit.

(I’m really excited to hear your thoughts on the second half of the fic, especially chapter 3 and chapter 6, but definitely all of it, since I think the characters they’re established as in the early part of the fic do remain true to themselves and both grow and struggle and go through a realistic journey with their faith over their very long lives, and it’s one of my favorite themes about DVLA.)

Anyway, about Nicky. I also made the specific choice to have him be an average guy, the ordinary second son of a nobleman who doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his life and isn’t the mouthpiece of Moral Virtue in the story, since as he himself realizes pretty quick, the crusades and especially the sack/massacre of Jerusalem are actually horrific. I’ve written in various posts about my nitpicking gripes with him being a priest, so he’s not, and as I said, I’m definitely avoiding any scenario where he has to Learn About The World from Joe. That is because I want to make the point that the people on the crusades were people, and they went for a lot of different reasons, not all of which were intense personal religious belief. The crusades were an institution and operated institutionally. Even on the First Crusade, where there were a lot of ordinary people who went because of sincere religious belief, there was the usual bad behavior by soldiers and secular noblemen and people who just went because it was the thing to do. James Brundage has an article about prostitution and miscegenation and other sexual activity on the First Crusade; even at the height of this first and holy expedition, it was happening. So Nicky obviously isn’t going to be the moral exemplar because a) the crusades are horrific, he himself realizes that, and b) it’s just as historically accurate that he wouldn’t be anyway. Since the idea is that medieval crusaders were all just zealots and ergo Not Like Us is dangerous, I didn’t want to do that either. If we think they all went because they were all personally fervent Catholics and thus clearly we couldn’t do the same, then we miss a lot of our own behavior and our parallel (and troubling) decisions, and yeah.

As well, I made a deliberate choice to have Nicky’s kindness (which I LOVE about him, it’s one of my favorite things, god how refreshing to have that be one of the central tenets of a male warrior character) not to be something that was just… always there and he was Meek and Good because a priest or whatever else. Especially as I’ve gotten older and we’ve all been living through these ridiculous hellyears (2020 is the worst, but it’s all been general shit for a while), I’ve thought more and more about how kindness is an active CHOICE and it’s as transgressive as anything else you can do and a whole lot more brave than just cynicism and nihilism and despair. As you’ll see in the second half of the fic, Nicky (and Joe) have been through some truly devastating things and it might be understandable if they gave into despair, but they DON’T. They choose to continue to be good people and to try and to actively BE kind, rather than it being some passive default setting. They struggle with it and it’s raw and painful and they’re not always saints, but they always come down on the side of wanting to keep doing what they’re doing, and I… have feelings about that.

Anyway, this is already SUPER long, so I’ll call it quits for now. But thank you so much for this, because I love these characters and I love the story I created for them in DVLA, since all this is personal to me in a lot of ways, and I’m so glad you picked up on that.

[lesbian-vmin]

The Topic of Gender Identity - JM Focus

So. This is something that I’ve gotten asked about a few times since people became interested in my analyses. And it’s something I’ve always avoided answering because it seems to me that the topic of gender is way more touchy than the topic of sexuality.

I’m also the sort of person who doesn’t like people talking about things without some form of experience on the topic. I can talk about how I see the potential of someone being gay because I’m gay. I know what it’s like to be gay. I know what it’s like to be afraid for people to find out that you’re gay (passed that, but been there). Someone who isn’t gay and never questioned it wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like.

As someone who has struggled with gender identity myself, I’ve decided that I’ll talk about this. I’d say that I have a controversial opinion on this topic, but no matter what you say about gender identity, one person or another is going to think it’s controversial. So, really, everyone has a controversial opinion on the topic. As it is not my intention to offend anyone, I decided to share that controversial opinion. Anyway. Read on if you can handle someone talking about their opinion without getting riled up that it might be different than yours, and if you’re curious about my thoughts on the topic. If not. Move on. (BELOW THE CUT)

So. Let me start by putting in the “short story” of my gender identity, so you kind of get the idea where I’m coming from when I state my opinion on this topic. You can skip this to the part where I start talking about Jimin, but I just wanted to add this in here so you have an idea of where I’m coming from.

Currently, I identify as a cis-female lesbian, but it took me a long time to accept myself as a female. Honestly. When I was a child, I was more okay with the fact that I liked girls than the fact that I was a girl. Liking girls never felt wrong to me. Liking girls as a girl is what felt wrong. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I know how I felt.

I was what they called a “tom-boy” back in the day. I’m not sure if that term is offensive now? But I always related with the label for some reason.

My parents have a lot to do with my current view on gender identity. My mom told me when I was a little baby, my favorite color was pink. It’s currently pink. She said that once I started learning the names of colors and that they had “genders”, I took a hard turn to the color blue. I pretended that blue was my favorite color for a big part of my life, throughout high school, because I didn’t want to be associated with the “girly” things.

I also liked Hotwheels as child. I was obsessed with cars. This is something I was genuinely interested in, and not just because I wanted to distance myself from girly things. At McDonald’s they often have “boy toys” and “girl toys”. I also have one brother and two sisters. When my mom took us to McDonald’s, she’d always say she wanted “two hotwheels and two barbies”. If the checker ever said “girls and boy toys” my mom would again specify hotweels and barbies. Because she didn’t understand why they were “girl and boy toys”. As a child, I was changing her perspective on gender.

We used to go to Christmas parties when I was a kid, and Santa would always hand out presents to the kids. It always seemed they gave the boys certain toys, and the girls always got dolls or doll related things. So I started to hate going to these Christmas parties. I also question why Santa didn’t buy me the gifts I wanted. He was supposed to know what every child wanted. One year, my mom talked to the people who decided the gift buying, and they got me a giant collection of hotwheels. This Santa became my favorite.

Anyhow. I always wanted to be my dad’s son. I wanted to him to play sports with me and grill with him like he would do with my brother. When I showed more interest in those things than my brother did, he started doing them with me instead. I’d help him build things. I’d play sports with him. And we always grilled together. Until I got older and started going through the inevitable changes that every girl goes through. He stopped treating me like a son and started treating me like a daughter, and it really upset me that my dad’s whole attitude toward me would have changed like that. So I started hating being a girl even more.

Anyway, long story short (believe me, there’s a lot more to this story, but this is a Jimin focus. Not a Koala focus). I eventually came to accept that I was a girl, and actually like feminine things. But, at the same time, I actually like masculine things, too. Coming out to my family as gay really allowed me to express my gender identity more. And I think it’s funny because they often point out how I became more feminine after coming out when many females do it the opposite. I explained to them that I always wanted to be “straight” and like girls, but when I fully accepted myself as gay, I fully accepted myself as female, too.

That being said, I didn’t give in to gender norms or anything like that. I just stopped pretending to hate all feminine things for the fear of being “too much of a girl” to like girls. Pink is my favorite color, but I’ll take the whole fucking rainbow any day. I love hotwheels, and I know more about cars than most modern boys do. I know about computers, and I love math. I absolutely love playing sports (I don’t like watching them so much). I love high fantasy, and I love playing d&d with my friends. But I also love sitting down to a nice romantic movie every now and then. I play all kinds of video games from fps to dress up games, and I love the fact that I don’t have to be apologetic about any of it. I can fix my own kitchen sink and give you tips about how to get stains out of the carpet. I still hate dolls, and they are fucking creepy to me.

I can accept the term bigender for myself, but I label myself as cis-female. Because I don’t want society to tell me that “feminine” things are for girls and “masculine” things are for boys. And tell me how I need to identify because of my like or distaste for either. I don’t mind “feminine” and “masculine” labels, but I don’t think it should determine how much of a “boy” or “girl” you are. I know that people identify as trans and anywhere on the spectrum for reasons that go beyond that, and that’s fine. My story goes far beyond that as well, but that’s pretty much my main focus that brings me to this point.

So. Let’s talk about Jimin now.

IN RELATION TO JIMIN

So, I’ve had exactly one ask that wanted to know if I would refer to Jimin as “they” instead of “he” because we don’t know how he identifies, but I think that can be true for anyone. Just because JK presents himself as more masculine with the fact that he works out and is a “boy” boy, we can’t presume that he identifies as a cis-male. Even if he likes all masculine things, and there’s nothing feminine about him (which isn’t true, but even if it was), we can’t just assume that he identifies as cis-male and is totally comfortable in his 100% male role. So the fact that this seems to come up mostly in relation to Jimin kind of proves how it’s a societal “masculine” and “feminine” thing when it comes many people’s view on gender identity.

I’ve also had a lot of people come to my inbox and talk about how they don’t see why people question Jimin’s gender. “He’s not feminine at all.” And, let me just say that he really is, and I don’t think it would offend him for me to blatantly state that. When he first debuted, he really tried to present himself as masculine, and he wanted to be seen as a “strong/real man.” But he’s eased himself into what he’s more comfortable with, and he, himself, talks about this transformation. How he doesn’t have pretend anymore, and he can just be who he is. And that’s a wonderful thing. And him talking about it the way he does (I’d love to go back and find examples, so people share links if you have any otherwise it’s going to take me ages to source this) kind of tells me that he wants people to realize his transformation. That he is so unbothered by both his feminine and masculine traits that he isn’t bothered if people see him more one way or the other.

Let me bring up Jimin’s bigender tattoo, if you will. (x) Well, it’s not really a tattoo, and more of a drawing. It wasn’t permanent, but still. I’ve had a few people argue that it’s not the bigender symbol because of both extensions pointing straight instead of the masculine symbol being at an angle (x), but seeing as how I don’t know of any other symbol it could be, I’m going to assume that it was meant to be the bigender symbol. 

Does this tattoo mean that he identifies as bigender? I’m leaning toward yes, but I’m also going to have to say that it doesn’t confirm anything. We don’t know the reason behind the tattoo unless Jimin tells us himself, and we don’t know the reason it was altered with both extensions being aligned instead of the way the actual symbol looks (if that detail is significant in any way).

Again, I’m leaning toward a strong possibility of him identifying as bigender because BTS are pretty socially aware, and I’m sure he knows what the symbol means. There could be a list of other reasons as to why he decided to use the symbol, so we’ll never know the truth unless he tells us.

I will say that, similar to how I think TH mentioning the Christmas song to us was to see how we’d react to the idea of him singing a romantic song with a boy, I think that Jimin putting that tattoo on his arm was to raise a similar kind of topic. I think he wants people to discuss and question his gender identity. And I think anyone who has come out to their family, friends, and societies would get the same idea. Because it’s a process, and this seems like a step in the process.

I’d often talk about how I loved it when people would mistake me for a boy, and how disappointing it was when someone would be quick to correct them. I’d talk about how being a “girl” is exhausting and how I wish I could flip a switch and be a “boy”. I’d question my parents about how they’d feel if I brought a girl home. I’d use gender neutral pronouns while talking about people I was interested in. I’d question if it was weird to want to hold hands with my best female friends. And the list goes on.

The tattoo seems like a step in a process. Maybe he’s not trying to come out, but maybe he wants us to be talking about it. I don’t think we should just assume that he’s bigender because of it (the same way we shouldn’t just assume TH is gay for Christmas song talk), but I don’t think people need to be so quick to shut the idea down. Because it’s possible that he might not identify as cis-male, and to shut down a piece of evidence like a bigender drawing on his arm is to shut down a pretty strong piece of evidence. That tattoo was drawn on Jimin for a reason because it’s supposed to mean something. Until we know what that something is, there is absolutely no harm in us fans talking and wondering about his identity. As long as we don’t shove it in Jimin’s face and demand that he talks about it. Let’s wonder together. Among ourselves.

As for which pronouns to use when talking about Jimin, until he says anything official about his identity, I think “he/him” pronouns are fine. If you want to call him “they/them”, I think that’s fine, too. I won’t simply because I only like to use “they/them” if I’m intentionally trying to be neutral or if an individual specifically requests to be addressed as such, but I don’t see the harm in anyone else doing it. I think going as far as using “she/her” could be a little too much and a little too presumptive. I’m not the sort to get offended by any type of pronouns. I identify with them all, but that’s not true for everyone. And it might not be true for Jimin. So I think it’s best to stick with “he/him” or “they/them” because they’re the most gender neutral terms. 

And yeah. “He/him” is more gender neutral than “she/her”. And, even if you don’t think so, “he/him” are the terms we use to refer to biological males without knowing anything about their personal identity. I don’t think it’s “assuming he’s cis until he says otherwise.” This is just as harmful as “assuming he’s straight until he says otherwise.” Because, for me at least, “he/him” is referring to the only thing I know about his gender/sex until he confirms otherwise, and that’s the biological part of his gender/sex. It’s not me saying “Oh, I think he’s definitely cis unless he says he’s not”. Because I’m leaning more toward the “not” part of that, but the only thing I can confirm is that he is biologically male. He wouldn’t be in BTS if he wasn’t.

Bringing it back to the first point I mentioned, we can’t assume a gender identity onto any of them. Jimin brings up more questions not because of his “feminine” side, but because of that bigender symbol. But it doesn’t mean that he identifies that way, and it doesn’t mean none of the other members do.

Like I said. I was hesitant about making this post and avoided asks about this topic for a long time because people get more defensive about gender identity than sexuality, but I wanted to talk about this. Because regardless of how offended people get about this topic, I think it’s something we shouldn’t be afraid to discuss.

[v-vvia]

some kevaaron for you hungry sluts

Aaron Minyard was going to become a doctor. There were no exceptions, deviations-this was a fact. He grew up what could possibly be considered Hell on Earth, and he wanted to live a normal life. Of course, as soon as he scribbled his messy signature onto David Wymack’s contact that basically sold his soul to the exy coach for five years, he should have known his life would be anything but normal. Aaron should have known when he was adopted by his very much homosexual cousin and reunited with his psycotic twin brother that his life would never be normal. 

Kevin Day was going to be a professional exy star. He really had no other option, thanks to the Japanese yakuza. His life wasn’t normal and he knew it was never going to be normal. After leaving The Nest, Kevin had to learn how to be a member of society. He didn’t know how to make friends or be his own person. He didn’t know how to live. Being introduced to the Foxes was a big adjustment, but they accepted him and his crankiness. They were more of a family than he could ever ask for in life. 

Aaron, after moving out of the monster’s dorm, would find his way back to the hell pit every so often. Living with Matt meant an endless supply of coffee to fuel his long nights of studying. Yet, there was something missing. Maybe it was Andrew’s cold stare as he drank milk straight from the carton. Maybe it was Nicky’s late night video chats with Erik, keeping them all up with his loud voice. Most of all, maybe it was Kevin’s constant need to be warm. 

Aaron swore that dorm room was set at seventy-five degrees, even in the sweltering summer heat. He hated it after a long and hot practice but, now that Matt kept the windows open in the winter, he missed it. 

Which is how he, at quarter to one in the morning on December 13th, found himself carrying his bag full of textbooks and a blanket pulled from his bed into the monster’s dorm. Andrew and Neil weren’t anywhere to be found but, Nicky and Kevin sat in the beanbag chairs in front of the TV. Nicky was losing his patience trying to teach Kevin how to play some video game. Kevin looked like he was about to burst a vein in his forehead. They both turned when the door opened. 

“Well, if it isn’t my long lost son,” Nicky said happily with a grin. 

“Not your son,” Aaron replied, used to this. “I don’t think you could produce a child this good looking.” 

“Ouch! Savagely burned by my own flesh and blood!” Nicky dramatically placed a hand to his heart. He fell back against the beanbag. “After all I’ve done for you! I’ve washed your underwear and cum socks and this is the repayment I get? You’re lucky I don’t ground you, mister!”

“Do you know how to shut that mouth of yours?” Aaron practically collapsed onto the couch behind the two, letting out a sigh as he dropped his heavy bag. 

“Do you know how to ever take a break?” Nicky retorted, looking back at the cousin with only a face that could be described as a motherly Latino ‘you did not just sass me, child’ face. “Seriously, dude. You’re up until ungodly hours of the night and then you get up at 6 to make it to morning practice. And aren’t you taking like, 18 credits? You sir,” Nicky pointed a finger. “are either a madman or stupid. Probably both if you’re my child.” 

“You’re not a medicine major, Nicky. I’ve gotta work twice as hard as everyone else,” Aaron mumbled, shrugging. “Besides, why do you think I came here? Since when have I ever done any work in the presence of your loud mouth?” 

“Good point. Want in on next round?” the cousin asked, offering him the third controller. Aaron shook his head. He let himself lean back into the couch and actually rest. 

“I just came here to cool off for a few before I head to the library,” he said, pushing the controller away with his foot. His Addias joggers and his high top Chuck Taylors didn’t really go together but he wasn’t known to be the most fashionable. If it was comfortable and he could hide snacks in the pockets, he was sold. 

“Suit yourself,” Nicky replied, turning back around. “Another round, Kev?” Kevin lifted his hand and checked the time on his watch. 

“I placed some books on hold at the library earlier and they should be ready. I should go pick them up before I get carried away,” Kevin said, stretching his long limbs. His Foxes shirt lifted a little with the action; the small glimpse of bare skin caught Aaron’s eye. He couldn’t help but stare, not noticing that the man had said something to him. 

“Earth to Aaron,” Nicky said, waving his hand in front of his face. “C’mon, I know Kevin’s insufferable sometimes but you gotta respect your elders.” 

“Fuck you,” Aaron said before turning to Kevin. “What did you say?”

“I said we should go to the library together.” Kevin stood, walking over to his desk to grab his bookbag and dorm keys. “I know you’re practically flunking American history and we can’t have you being benched because you’re an idiot.” 

“Okay, fuck you too,” Aaron said. His words had no weight because he stood with his bag. “Hurry up before I change my mind.” The two walked towards the door, saying a quick farewell to Nicky on their way out. Aaron was sure Nicky would be grateful to have a quiet dorm for a while, so he could call Erik. “I need to get my history stuff from my room if we’re doing this.” Kevin nodded and followed the shorter man to the other end of the hall. Aaron unlocked the door, knocking once in case Matt and Dan were practicing for their honeymoon. Stepping inside, he found that it was empty and dark. Matt had left the windows open, yet again, sending a shiver down Aaron’s spine. 

“Its cold in here,” Kevin said, blank faced. 

“Yeah, no shit dumbass.” Aaron walked over to his desk, flipping on a light along the way. The living area was decorated with a couch and television-both of which were Matt’s. Aaron didn’t care much to decorate. The only thing he needed and had was a picture of him, Nicky, and Andrew pinned on his desk. It was from his and Andrew’s high school graduation and he swore he could almost see a glimpse of genuine happiness in Andrew’s eyes. 

“Can I ask a question?” Kevin said, poking around the room. 

“You’re gonna ask anyways so get on with it.” 

“Am I really that insufferable?” Something in Kevin’s voice made Aaron turn. He frowned once he saw Kevin’s usually cool demeanor turn unexpectedly serious. Kevin didn’t care what anyone thought about him. He only cared about exy. Why was this even a conversation the two were having?

“I mean,” Aaron started, not really sure how to approach this. “you’re annoying but I wouldn’t call you insufferable. What’s with you, man?” 

Kevin stood silent for a moment. “Sometimes I hear Nicky telling Erik how mean I am.” Another moment of silence passed. “I don’t want to be like him, Aaron.” 

Something inside Aaron’s stomach churned. Kevin didn’t have to say a name for him to know he was talking about his former teammate, Riko Moriyama. It had never occured to Aaron that Kevin had feelings about things over that exy. That was all he talked about and never once brought up emotions. 

“You aren’t like him,” Aaron said. His voice was unexpectedly soft. “You’re never going to be like him.” Aaron dropped his bag onto his desk. “Sit down. We’ll get your stupid books later. You want some hot chocolate? That always cheers Andrew up.” Kevin sat himself down on the couch while Aaron crossed the room to make two cups of hot chocolate. 

“Do you still think about your mom?” Kevin asked, his voice just as quiet as Aaron’s. “I still think about Riko all the time. I see him when I close my eyes. I can’t sleep hardly because hes...he’s always there. He’s there after eight hours waking me up to go to practice. He’s there counting my calories and picking my food. How do I live when he’s still with me?”

“I think about my mom a lot,” Aaron said, bringing over the hot cup. He handed it to Kevin before sitting down himself. “Not as much as I used to but yeah, I do.” Aaron wasn’t one to talk about this stuff. He liked burying it deep inside him and letting it spill out once a week during his session with Betsy. “Talking about it helped. As much as I absolutely hate Neil with my whole being, he was right. Pushing me towards Betsy was the only right thing he’s ever done. You should try it sometime.”

“I don’t talk to her,” Kevin admitted. “I don’t want her to think I’m crazy or something.”

“She talks to Andrew every week. I think you’ll be on the mild end of her patient spectrum.” Kevin let out a breathy laugh that sent Aaron’s stomach into a somersault. 

“I guess you’re right,” Kevin said, looking over at the other. They both sat on either end of the couch, leaning back against the armrests to face each other. “Sorry...For dropping this all on you. You’re really the only one who might get it.” 

Aaron waved a hand. “Yeah yeah, its whatever dude. Just drink your hot chocolate before I stop being nice and kick you out.” They both shared a laugh before going back to sitting in silence. Eventually, Aaron turned on a movie and they both just sat. They drank their drinks, keeping their eyes on the screen in front of them. Somehow, Aaron’s legs ended up up on the couch, his feet resting comfortably against Kevin’s thighs. Somehow, Kevin’s hand found itself rested on Aaron’s calf. Somehow, Kevin and Aaron ended up laying, side by side, buried underneath Aaron’s comforter. They slowly drifted to sleep, Kevin’s head on Aaron’s chest. Whatever they were watching was long forgotten in favor of each other’s presence. They weren’t worried about Matt walking in; they were far too sleep deprived to give any thought to it. 

[manicdragondreamgirl]

I haven’t had chemistry since like 2008, and I’m also an idiot who likes to make my friends upset, so I rated the periodic table in order to tilt my friends:

Hydrogen - this is like your childhood friend who has always been with you more or less and always will be down to get a drink and chill even tho you haven’t spoken in years. Solid bro imo 7.5/10

Helium - always down for a good time, even if probably created Alvin and the Chipmunks which in some places is considered a war crime. 4/10

Lithium - Gives me bitchy vibes and is flammable as fuck if I remember. Skinny bitch with an attitude 3/10

Beryllium - idk this sounds like a sailor moon villain lol for that it can have a 6/10

Boron - more like BORONG amirite ha ha wait no seriously I have no idea lol 5/10 clean neutral rating

Carbon - *screaming* 2/10 I will not be taking questions

Nitrogen - cool cool cool tight tight tight 9/10 Nitrogen just is the cool hot chick you wish you were

Oxygen - kid who takes up all the glory for the group project even tho you did all the work, 4/10 for natural charisma

Fluorine - lol what are you knockoff chlorine lmfao bitch 3/10 reminds me of the dentist

Neon - I can vibe with this boy for his contributions to signs which cause my eyes to scream 8/10 modernized Art Deco thanks you

Sodium - 10/10 this is me and I won’t be taking questions next element

Magnesium - magnesium is a close relative of magnificent and therefore I think the case is closed folks 9/10

Aluminum - 10/10 for providing a home to my Diet Coke addiction I’d be dead without you

Silicon - 6.9/10 :smirk:

Phosphorous - This has a very soundly name and it’s welcome to do that but idk, not a fan, seems like he’d be smelly, 2/10

Sulfur - 1/10 pretty sure that dog farts are purely comprised of this and as such if I was leaving negative ratings I would

Chlorine - 7.8/10 for being in pools so we could swim without brain eating amoeba in the south you a champ

Argon - he seems like a nerd jk this guy has a good color 9/10 for just being himself

Potassium - I hate bananas and this word gives me the physical sensation of biting into one but only by thinking of abstract letters and making them into something which we can nutrientise from bananas and to me that shit is bananas, b a n a n a s — 3/10 for making me sing hollaback girl thru adhd word association

Calcium - hm my brain went to mega milk so you get a 2/10 today bud I don’t make the rules

Scandium - pretty sure this is fake lol what’s next faxdium, e-Mailite and copinium? 5/10

Titanium - this song’s a banger and also is the only thing that lets me wear earrings 10/10

Vanadium - if your erection lasts for longer than like idk it’s supposed to then don’t take vanadium wait what do you mean it’s not an ED treatment 4/10

Chromium - decent bloke shame the browser eats all your memory 5/10

Manganese - if a weeb tries to tell me how to pronounce mayonnaise one more time... 1/10

Iron - excellent tool against the fey, in your blood, what a bro, 10/10 this bitch slaps

Cobalt - has a powerful energy; I respect him. 8/10

Nickel - if I had a nickel for every time someone made this joke lol 5/10 he’s doing his best

Copper - taste bad 3/10

Zinc - isn’t that the dude in the green tunic and white tights who saves premcess Lelda or something lol 7/10 those games are good

Gallium - seems like a prick 4/10

Germanium - sounds like a child pronouncing geraniums which are superior 3/10

Arsenic - bad vibes coach 1/10

Selenium - isn’t this just sailor moon lol 10/10 love this bitch

Bromine - farmine wherever you aremine - 9/10 I love a good bro

Krypton - he’s okay I guess 5/10

Rubidium - yet another Steven universe villain who will be redeemed I imagine 4/10 seems a bit dull

Strontium - I feel nothing when I see this lad’s name and that seems like a shame 1/10 I don’t like it

Yttrium - this is an atrium in Yharnam, or something 8/10 would love to sit in one and make contact with higher beings

Zirconium - oh wait THIS is the sailor moon villain from the dead moon circus! 9/10 I enjoyed that arc

Niobium - seems sassy, I like that in an element 7/10

Molybdenum - I hate this one, rancid. 1/10 for making me have flashbacks to difficult Ancient Greek vocabulary there is no fucking way that sound combination is anything but Beta and Delta borking and then Latin being like oh imma steal that

Technetium - 6/10 decent name but seems a bit forced

Ruthenium - 5/10 kindly old lady element I guess lol

Rhodium - 10/10 this ain’t my first rhodium babee this lad has good vibes what a name what a king

Palladium - 10/10 for making me think of paladins

Silver - 12/10 I’m breaking the rules for this silver is the best it is so cool and also it is the other best tool for dealing with supernatural creatures when iron has failed you highly suggest Even if I am extremely allergic to it going into my ears...wait hold on

Cadmium - 2/10 sounds like a total douche

Indium - 8/10, i just think it’s independent and neat

Tin - 10/10 good ear sounds when involving rain and roof shapes and automatically reminds me of Nora Jones’s come away with me album which is also 10/10

Antimony - 7/10 decent protagonist good name all around seems rad

Tellurium - tell ur mom what? That’s so early 2010s league of legends humor bro 2.5/10

Iodine - strikes fear in my soul from having it poured on my wounds but this is why I have more pain tolerance than god 5.3/10

Xenon - I think this is a declension of Xena warrior princess which is a win in my eyes, 8/10

Caesium - kind of has a cunty Latin name, 4.5/10

Barium - yeah boss, bury’im! 7.5/10 I love a good mobster gag

Lanthanum - A bit pretentious on the Tolkien spectrum sorry bud 3/10 sounds like you’d be the dickwad elf everyone hates

Cerium - 6.5/10 I like this one, gives me a clean vibe

Praseodymium - the fuck who sneezed all their alphabet soup onto the paperwork and called it an element Christ we can’t keep doing this 1.5/10

Neodymium - oh my god what did I just say 1/10

Promethium - thank Christ we’re back to greek 9/10 Prometheus was a Chad I could get behind

Samarium - 5/10 gives me boring wizard vibes

Europium - 4.5/10 don’t rename opium chrissake can’t take these nerds anywhere

Gadolinium - 5/10 it’s a starship knockoff but it’s trying to be bold with the G sound

Terbium - 2/10 I don’t vibe with this one

Dysprosium - sounds like an antidepressant that has a lot of shitty side effects 3/10

Holmium - sounds like someone anxious asking their beloved to hold them 8/10 I like hurt/comfort fics

Erbium - you can’t just describe something as herby you daft bastard 2/10

Thulium - sounds like a spell I like it 8.5/10

Ytterbium - macguffin in a shite sci-fi show that gets highly overrated because BBC produced it and superwholock stans emerge and go utterly feral 1/10

Lutetium - bards are an element I agree 10/10

Hafnium - sounds like a river (my dog) sound and has a cute vibe, I’d offer it head pats 7/10

Tantalum - noooo you can’t be sad yuor so sexe haha 6.9/10 tantalizing

Tungsten - 10/10 this is a lad with history

Rhenium - 5.5/10 it’s ok

Osmium - 4/10 I wasn’t a big wizard of oz fan

Iridium - 9/10 sounds like iridescent and that’s in my top 10 favorite words and concepts

Platinum - 10/10 best Pokémon game

Gold - 7.9/10 all that glitters and all but it’s still pretty on some people, silver is better tho

Mercury - yikes 8/10 so it doesn’t kill me

Thallium - sounds like the brother character in a ps4 exclusive western rpg that oddly falls under the radar in terms of reviews and gets shafted at awards for no reason 7/10 I’ll support you tho

Lead - 2/10 that’s gonna be a no from me dawg pretty sure I still have lead in my hands from stabbing myself with my mechanical pencils

Bismuth - 6/10 sounds good in mouth and reminds me of biscuits for some reason, I’ll take it

Polonium - to thine own self be true so stop trying to act like the arts don’t influence science jk pretty sure this is named for Poland but hey that’s where we get the Witcher so you get a pass 6/10

Astatine - 1/10 I don’t even know what you are

Radon - 7/10 this motherfucker knows his shit and how to party, rad is right

Francium - I bring you francium...and I bring you myrdurdium... 7/10 for a good vine

Radium - killed the video star probably 9/10 I can get behind her

Actinium - as opposed to passtinium I prefer actinium in the voice of writing 8/10

Thorium - overrated Norse god 5/10 because lightning is still cool

Protactinum - sounds like some pretentious condom brand 4/10 wouldn’t do it with a dude who bought these

Uranium - I always thought she was a hot sailor scout 10/10

Neptunium - same for her I knew they weren’t cousins you couldn’t lie to me 4kids 10/10

Plutonium - sounds like a macguffin unfortunately 5/10

Americium - I read this with a pivotal letter missing and nearly died, 7/10 for the laugh

Curium - 10/10 gives me Curie vibes and also reminds me of curiosity which reminds me of—[old yellered before the association could set in]

Berkelium - what I shout when I want Burke (fam dog) to slaughter innocents and raze territories 2/10 world was not meant to know his commands

Californium - 1/10 California is cool with geography but probs could stand to chill with the ego sorry to my friends in Cali

Einsteinium - 6/10 it’s alright but we’re really running out of ideas huh

Fermium - 3/10 this one is porny

Mendelevium - 1/10 my brain didn’t like parsing this and I stand by my earlier statement of running out of good names

Nobelium - 0/10 you didn’t name any noble gases this cowards this gas can’t be a noble oh wait it’s NOBEL I take it back 5/10 seems an alright chap

Lawrencium - fear the old blood my sorry dead hunter’s ass I’ll never get back my life from the hours I spent trying to beat this lava shitting bastard 2/10 for being a boss who eats Taco Bell specifically before being challenged to have fresh lava shit with which to punish you for having the audacity to exist in his space

Rutherfordium - my god what a snob 4.2/10 I respect him a little but only because he sounds like a right lad

Dubnium - DROP THE BASS 10/10

Seoborgium - not sure about this one but it can have a 7/10

Bohrium - as an American English speaker this sound combination makes my pathetic throat become a black hole as I try to properly create the sound of it 10/10 I love when my body becomes a massive void in the universe

Hassium - lazy 2/10

Elements 109-118 can go fuck themselves I hate them all, collective 6.66/10 for their general demonic vibe

[404fmdminjung]

famed idol life / career meme

notes: i started doing responses one by one, but then i thought it’d be better to do one big mass-post instead of flooding dash all at once. thank you to all that sent in! appreciate u all :~) (if anyone has any numbers they need, please feel free to like this or just let me know, even if i already sent in an ask!)

2. what are your favorite b-sides/non-title tracks you’ve released?

“i like diana. there’s something moody, sultry about it with a touch of elegance. it’s almost like cheap wine on a long friday — contrasting, but it somehow fits. plus, sooah helped out on that track which becomes the cherry icing on top. perhaps, there’s something better coming out on my next album, where there’s too many b-sides that i’d cherry pick myself to be my favorite. for that, look out at the sea, captain.”

3. what is your least favorite song (title track or b-side) you’ve released?

“i don’t think there’s a least favorite. if there were, then i wouldn’t have partook in any of it — my personality’s in it or out of it. there’s no in between, especially where my voice plays a part. i don’t want to touch things where my heart doesn’t lie, that’d just be cruel. wouldn’t it? if it doesn’t relieve my soul a bit, then i don’t think i’d dip my toes in those waters.”

6. what is one thing (a concept, a genre, an outfit, etc.) you would least like your company make you do?

“i’d like to do house funk, maybe house-pop. you’ve seen elements in it in knight’s old releases, and even the oldies like decipher’s done it. unity’s dabbled in it somewhat in their b-sides, and considering fuse has amassed a long bridge of different concepts — the spectrum’s large. i’d like to wear hawaiian t-shirts and prance around to some summer house-funk, and that’s something i think the general public can all dance around in their rooms to.”

8. if you could be in any idol group, which one would you choose?

“i’ve grown accustomed to fuse — i like being in fuse. i don’t think i’d fit anywhere else, though i would say bee would be a nice change for the summer fun. i’d even enjoy myself to be in unity had i been a boy. can you imagine? the fun that would come out of belting welcome to my playground, and singing the tunes to touch. that’d be a girl’s dream come true.”

9. if you could say one thing to your ceo, what would it be?

“you’re the prettiest person i’ve ever seen. in the whole country, out of all the women in the world — you’re the standard of beauty. but i’m sure the whole world knows that by now, don’t they? i thank you for giving fuse some of the best songs, and though i’ve never met you face by face, i’d like to believe you’re better than what’s shown from face value. but, still — my wannabe face is you but no amount of plastic surgery would turn me into you, would it?”

10. if you were auditioning for your company today, what would you perform for your audition, or what would you change from your original audition?

“i don’t think i’d repeat the dance, nor attempt to dance to something like seo taeji and boys. if i recall, i did h.o.t’s we are the future, and snsd’s kissing you with a ruler i had in my back pocket. in retrospect, that was my standard of dancing — if only i’d known it’d become a bad memory to highlight the work i have left. maybe, i’d only stick to kissing you, ruler version while singing something more melodically acceptable than finkl’s now.”

11. if you could do any special stage, what would it be and who would it be with?

“i don’t know — i don’t know many things when it comes to these mix and match scenarios. i know i’d like to make a stage where i can dance freely as if i’m in the comfort of my own home. perhaps to a song like gee, or even oh — even willing to dabble in lipstick’s genie if it means dressing up like a sailor and going ahoy. i’d want to do the stage with jeonghwa, sooah, and well — i don’t have that many friends to give you a special stage, oops.”

13. if you could become a model or ambassador for any brand, what would you choose?

”again, i’ve been blessed and satiated with each and every opportunity given. working with dior has been a smooth sailing ride as well as cartier — perhaps, given the option i wouldn’t opt for pathere de cartier but a different line. still, nothing really takes away from the heart and soul of their jewelry, which i appreciate with my cup of tea. i’d continue to work with dior, and if hermes would ever take the punch — i’d even have an affair with them.”

14. if you could be on any variety show, which one (or which type of one) would you want to be on?

“knowing brothers — i really watch that show. or even, 전지적 참견 시점 — those are the shows i keep tabs of on a weekly basis. i'd love my manager to have her time to shine and steal the hearts of the world with her variety work. she’s a very funny person you know. as for knowing brothers? that’s a given knowing how quick the crowd is on their feet and the little mini-games that come from each episode. i hurt my stomach each time from laughing along so many times.”

16. what changes would you implement if you were the ceo of your company?

“a free-for-all. i’ve never wanted to become a ceo, but had i been granted the opportunity to rule on all floors, i’d implement a few things. mandatory art classes, and creative freedom to the album jackets for all my artists. no dating-bans, let it all air out — most of all, i’d let them do as they wished as long has it harmed nobody else and they could handle the aftermath. no restrictions, roam free, bunnies.”

17. what do you do to relieve the stress of idol life?

“call me pretentious or call me a sell-out, i do what any other normal person does. i like sitting in the cafes with my notebook out, sketching. i sketch people that come in and out, or the people that decide to sit next to me. if i’m home, i’m painting on canvas with my record player crooning in the background or knitting a sweater to wear next winter. on a really adventurous day, you’ll see me playing the pole or stretching my limbs at pilates. but that’s on a non-lazy day.”

18. what tips would you give to a trainee about to debut?

“wear your skin like armor, and let it thicken as time goes on. no need to get hurt by words, and instead roll with the punches — learn to accept the hate that comes, and be scrutinized underneath a microscope. sometimes, you don’t know if it’s really reality, but the faster you assimilate yourself, the quicker you learn to glide past your career. think of everything as a catch-22, only there’s no real safety net.”

19. what was the hardest part of being a trainee?

“getting along with the other people and have them stay away from getting to know me. it’s obvious, the trainee life is temporary — there’s going to be those that debut and those that don’t, so why pry further than you have to? everyone should’ve been given the basic privacy instead of trying to play formalities and get along. other than that, i hated dance practice and i still do. dance isn’t a strong suit, and having someone force me to follow a tempo i can’t march to was no fun at all.”

20. did you enjoy the lifestyle of a trainee or of a debuted idol more?

“i liked being a debuted idol far better, only because there was a layer of privacy given to me. ironically, i was suddenly in the public eye. yet, it still allowed some layer of anonymity within the inner circle and the day to day people i interacted with. starting from a sea of trainees, and having it dwindle to a group of my members — it all made it easier to handle in the end. besides, i was getting no sleep regardless trainee or not.”

22. describe your dream sub-unit (members and concept).

“take the fuse darker concepts — peekaboo, bad boy, psycho. and merge it into one, all while getting rid of the dresses too short to dress in. wrap it all together, and you get my favorite concept. i like mystery, and latent meanings behind pretty tunes, and being able to do that each comeback would be a dream. surely, the audience might get bored of it, but i wouldn’t and i’m allowed to be selfish, aren’t i? my dream sub-unit, i’d take sooah. without sooah, i don’t know what i’d do, really. she’s like a mini-mom, three years younger. then, i’d take kiana for the dance that sooah and i can’t handle. i suppose i’d add suji in there because i don’t think anyone can belt like she does, no offense to kiana. but there’s a heartier belt when suji does it. sorry to our leader, i guess.”

23. out of the following six options, would you rather be allowed to play a major hand in the lyrics, production, choreography, styling, music videos, or concepts you release?

“i started off in lyrics, so i’ll stay loyal till the end. i’ll keep to the lyrics, so i can continue to write the stories my heart wants to say. sometimes, i’ll fall into cliches, but that’s okay. if it’s not in music production or the general content of the song, i suppose i’d take a dabble in styling — and stop dressing myself in the short skirts making it impossible to dance. really, those are the only two things i’ll be selfish for.”

25. what is your least favorite part of being an idol?

“waking up early, not having enough time to draw — those would just be the superficial things, right? but really, there’s pros and cons to any jobs, just ask any office worker with a nine to five. however, if i’m given a sliver of honesty to wave my grievances, i’d like to mention that i don’t like working in short skirts that get shorter each comeback. i don’t like getting mauled by the public of who i make eye contact with or who i work with — i don’t like getting over criticized and the list goes on.”

26. what is your favorite part of being an idol?

“i’ve always been a story teller. i like crafting stories and telling my world for how i see it, and given this opportunity in music, i’m able to do so. i like playing with instruments, sketching out things for an album idea — the creative process while meeting new people along the way. it’s a journey, an adventure and most of all, it avoids stagnation. i’m on the move, go go go.”

27. would you rather be incredibly famous with a terrible reputation and hated by most or be fairly unknown with a good reputation and adored by those who know of you? why?

“i’m already disliked by most — they don’t like the way i dress, who i’m friends with or the manner in which i present myself. but i’m given the opportunity to ignore these things along the way, and learn to handle things bit by bit. given the choice, i’d rather hide in anonymity with the few around me enjoying my presence. i’ve learned by now, public opinion doesn’t correlate to much as it’s nothing more than a crow perched far away as poe would say.”

29. what have you learned about yourself and/or society since becoming a celebrity?

“i’ve only been taught life skills, such as time management and patience. in hindsight, i’ve learned how cruel people are to judge things from what they see at surface level. the world’s superficial — that’s a bitter pill to swallow. i don’t know much about myself as i haven’t gotten that part figured out. instead, i’ve just learned that the world is cruel and the people in it amount to little to no positivity — go figure.”

[yourholidaymom]

Your Holiday Mom: Mama Ro

I am SO excited to have you with us for the holidays. We celebrate anything and everything here at the House of Creative Mayhem. You’ll be joining me, Ro, a purple-haired mama, and two of my three kids. Connor is 20, spends a lot of time playing video games, and is absolutely hilarious. He is on the autism spectrum, and sees things a little differently than everybody else, which makes him a wonderful person to know. He says if you like to game, you can play Team Fortress 2 with him, but if you don’t want to talk, he understands. My middle child, Ron, (24) is gender queer, and will be bringing their partner, Greg to dinner. They’re both gamers, too. And vegans,, which means I have to get creative with my cooking. I still make turkey, but I get creative with the side dishes and make a field roast for them, which is a vegan thing made from mushrooms and stuff. My oldest son lives in a nearby city with my granddaughter, but they are busy and probably won’t be able to make it. Could be a surprise visit, though, so prepare to hang out with a four-year-old. She and I will probably put on our matching tutus that I made for us. If you want one, I’ll make one for you, too. Or not. Your choice, of course.

I hope you love dogs, because I have a rescue pit bull named Lord Jasper Bighead, Earl of Fartsalot. I’ve had him for about 2 and a half years now, and he’s the love of my life. Nobody knows where he came from or how old he is, but this is his home for life now. I take him with me everywhere I can. Dogs are good company. They just give out love, and take as much love as you give them. And believe me, I can give a LOT of love. He also loves food. I’ll give you treats to give him and he will adore you.

So my birthday is right before the winter Solstice, and we’ll celebrate that with me taking everyone out to dinner. We’ll have to figure out someplace that has food we all love. I am wondering about your favorite foods and how to make sure you get them. Let’s sit in front of the fire and talk about it. While we talk, I’ll make art. I create weird things out of stuff other people throw away. Sometimes I call myself the Queen of the Trash Fairies. I also take in people who have no where to go, like my friend Chuck, who has been homeless for decades. He camps in my yard now, so criminals and homeless sweeps can’t disrupt his life. And of course I will be inviting all kinds of friends over for dinners throughout the winter months. It’s fun to gather in the warmth and light of home when it’s cold and rainy outside, isn’t it?

I’m really hoping you will spend some time making art with me. I have a gazillion different supplies. I’ve got paints, collage stuff, sharpies, jewelry-making supplies, clay, several guitars (I write protest songs, among other things. I’m what you’d call a social justice warrior and I will never understand why some people consider that an insult. Silly.) and of course, lots of journals and pens, because I’m also a writer. So, you know, whatever you like to do creatively, I bet we can do a lot of it while you’re here.

Can we have a serious talk about something? Being the parent of two queer kids, and being queer myself, I know full well how hard it can be. I spent a loooooot of years trying to fit in and be like everybody else. (news flash, it didn’t work!) Now that I’m older, I don’t even try to hide who I am, and I have found SO many people who love me exactly as I am. My friends celebrate my weirdness, which includes a love of puns, wearing dresses (never pants, ever), studying sword fighting, building an art studio in my yard that is made out of tires, custom painting my shoes… the people I know LOVE these things about me. And they love me even when my depression and anxiety keep me from being in contact very often. They just love **me,** exactly as I am, and exactly as I am not. I am sure that if you haven’t found your people yet, that you will. Just keep shining your bright self and the right people will come to you. Like me and my family. We’re your people! You’re our people. Isn’t that glorious?

Oh, I forgot to mention the house… I ilve in a pink house. The inside is painted just about every color you can imagine. There’s not a beige wall anywhere, so I hope you’re ready to experience a lot of color, because that is exactly what we have here!

What do you want to do while you’re here? We can play games. I have a bunch of fun ones, Cards Against Humanity, of course, Pictionary, Scattergories, the kind of games that rely on thinking outside the box. Or even thinking like you never believed there was a box to begin with! Or we can go for a walk with the dog at the lake nearby. Or we can go downtown and check out the holiday decorations. They have a lot of brass bands and carolers. We could join in the carols if you want. (I will want to, guaranteed. I love to sing. I’m not very good, but I have fun. Of course, I wouldn’t insist that you do anything you don’t want to) Oh, that has me thinking about popcorn. I don’t know why. I want popcorn with tons of butter, while we’re in front of the fire talking. You get to pick the music. I wonder what we’ll listen to first. I bet you’ll introduce me to things I’ve never heard before, too, won’t you?

Listen to me, you precious, wonderful being… I love you and I am so glad you’re here with us. You make everything more fun,more meaningful. This is the best year ever, because you’re here. Now, what do you want to do first?

Love your face, Mama Ro

PS OMG, I completely forgot about baking. There will be sooooo much baking. What’s your favorite cookie? Do you want to learn to bake bread? Make pies?

PSS This silly picture of me is my Halloween costume, Steampunk Peacock. What should I be next year?

** This year we are reprising your favorite letters. The original post date of this letter was Dec 08, 2019.

Your Holiday Mom: Mama Ro was originally published on Your Holiday Mom

[mavenlockwood]

 ❝  they told me all of my cages were mental      so I got wasted like all my potential      and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad      I have a lot of regrets about that ❞

CORINTH TASK: HEADCANONS

Andromeda: Talk about your character’s relationship with their siblings (if they have any).

For the longest time Maven thought she was an only child. And as long as she had her mother, that was fine to her. But after her mother died, and it really set in how miserably alone she was, finding out she has a half-sister was like being thrown a lifeline. Because of her trust issues, Maven has a hard time forming deep connections with most people, but family is on a different spectrum for her. She’s got the mindset of “if there’s anybody I can rely on, it’s my family”. She’s honestly kind of built @xrowansmithx up in her mind as the end-all solution to her loneliness, to the point of projecting almost all of her need for affection and love onto the idea of her sister that she has. It makes her absolutely desperate for Rowan’s approval at any given time, and she’s really putting so much more effort into building a relationship there than she ever has anywhere else. But at the same time, that kind of projection is what’s led her to keep from revealing the truth thus far. As long as it just remains Maven’s secret, she can live in the fantasy world of everything good that could be, and doesn’t have to deal with the possibility of being rejected.

Asclepius: Talk about your character’s morality. How do they decide who is morally good and who is not? What does “good” mean to them?

I took an alignment test awhile ago and unsurprisingly (to me), Maven came out as True Neutral, which I feel like is dead on accurate for her. Her morality is honestly pretty flexible and depends on what’s going on in the moment, there’s no specific set of rules someone has to follow other than like, very general things. Like not being a murderer. Or an asshole for no reason. Of course, she breaks her own standard on that last one all the time, and no, Maven does not consider herself to be a good person. But at the same time, she doesn’t really hold being “good” in high regard? It’s not as if she scoffs at them or anything, unless they’re the type that won’t even jaywalk, but also a lot of the time the most fun she has is when around people that are not particularly good, like her. Unless you’re just a straight up evil person, Maven doesn’t really care all that much.

Atlas: Talk about how your character deals with their “responsibility” to either side of the war for the veil, if they are aware of it.

While she isn’t aware of the war right now, Maven would unquestionably be on the side of PRO VEIL, all caps. She cannot imagine her life without magic, and the idea of losing it is one of the scariest things imaginable. Quite frankly, I’m not sure she’d want to live if she couldn’t be a witch. Even just the idea that someone would want to take away the magic from the world is nearly unfathomable to her.

Charon: Talk about your character’s greatest fears.

Like mentioned a bit above, losing her magic is definitely up there. But at the same time, I don’t think she’s really aware that’s a thing that could happen to her? So like, in a theoretical reality it’s a big fear. But in terms of things she’s currently afraid of right now, it would definitely be rejection. Getting attached to people, letting them in, only to have them really get to know her and decide they don’t like what they see. It’s easier to pretend like being alone is her choice, instead of because other people have decided she isn’t worth the time or effort. It’s sort of a vicious cycle of pushing people away out of fear, then getting upset when they take the cues and leave. And the biggest one would be with Rowan, which is why she hasn’t told her about their relation yet. If she gets rejected by who she views as her only chance at family left in the world, Maven might would legitimately die. But @kieratandanu gonna be pretty high on the list too pretty soon enough.  Or, even worse, that it was only a ploy to manipulate her the entire time.

Chronos: Talk about how your character deals with their past.

By ignoring it as much as possible. Her go to method for dealing with things is simply to not, and shove it as far and as deep as possible inside of her. Is this healthy? No. Will it most likely eventually explode from all the pressure? Yes. Does she know both these things? Yes. And yet, that is a problem for future Maven. For current Maven, it usually works well enough, thanks.

Circe: Talk about how your character deals with betrayal.

It really just cements the idea of not trusting people for her. She’s already paranoid by nature of the intentions of others, so to have someone get past all of that, close enough for it to be considered a betrayal and then do exactly what she was afraid of... it wouldn’t be pretty. And probably would end up sabotaging all her other relationships as well in the fallout as a chain reaction. Please don’t do this to her. Or do, and sit back and watch the burning wreckage as she promptly starts throwing matches on all her bridges out of fear and paranoia. Better to kill something by her own hand than let someone else make a fool out of herself again.

Eros: Talk about your character’s love life, and how they see “love.”

Love is a neurochemical con job. But seriously, Maven is not a fan. It’s a pretty terrifying concept to her, which her mother had a pretty heavy hand in influencing. Though she had the best intentions and was only trying to protect her, Maven’s mom was really the one to instill the idea that love is a dangerous thing that can ruin people. She spent years witnessing first hand how much her mom suffered after her dad left, how bitter and broken and resentful it made her, which shaped Maven’s adolescence. And not only that, her mom was always quick to remind her that people were always out to use others, and even when they tell you they love you, they really only love something you can give them. Such lessons have stayed with Maven her entire life, and still effect her to this day and how she approaches relationships. Whenever she feels herself getting too close to someone, warning alarms go off in the back of her head, and she usually begins to either self-sabotage, or simply take off running for the hills and ghost. Because of these habits, she’s never actually been in love before, but she’s ruined things herself several times where she could have been. Which really is ironic, considering how goddamn afraid she is of being alone for the rest of her life. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t really see why someone would want to date her in the first place, which just makes her all the more suspicious of someone’s intentions.

Euryale: Talk about someone’s death that would hit your muse the hardest, or their greatest loss.

Right now it would 100% be Rowan. Not only would she be losing a friend, but idea of a family that she craves so badly. But there are a few that are working their way up that list too. Her greatest lost is undoubtedly her mother.

Hektor: Talk about how your character deals with something that is out of their control.

She very much has an, “alright then, fuck it” attitude when it comes to things she can’t influence. It’s weird, because on one hand she hates the loss of control, but on the other hand it’s almost a get out of jail free card? Like, whatever happens, happens, so she’s not responsible for that. It’s sort of like when you’ve stressed yourself out about something so much, that you just hit a mental wall, and suddenly nothing matters anymore? You just accept whatever your fate is to come, and the idea that it can’t be blamed on you because you had no control. Doesn’t make the outcome any less shitty when it goes poorly, but it’s a small consolation that at least it isn’t her fault specifically. That’s how she deals with it.

Lamia: Talk about what other species your character would be/wants to be.

Nothing, honestly. Maven is glad to be a witch and would not trade it for the world. If she were forced to choose, she would pick perhaps a phoenix or kobalos — not that she’s aware of either of those species right now. They both have different ties to things she already possesses and holds valuable, fire magic and nature manipulation. Also the ability to mess with someone’s head would be pretty cool, don’t judge her. Still, she’s very happy as a witch, and would not willingly change to anything else.

Lethe: Talk about if your character would rather forget certain memories or hold on to them.

It depends on the memories. She’s not one of those people that’s like “even bad memories build character and are worth keeping”, she’s not that philosophical. There are so many things she’d willingly forget if it were possible. But at the same time, there are a handful she would hold onto, if only for bittersweet nostalgia, even if they hurt. It’d definitely be on a case by case basis and not a blanket statement.

Medea: Talk about your characters thoughts on redemption, and if they think they need it or are worthy of it.

Redemption is sort of a joke concept to her, it doesn’t really exist outside of TV shows and books. People are who they are, good or bad, and usually aren’t too interested in changing their nature. It’s more of a fairy tale to Maven. Does she need it? Eh. She could be a better person, certainly. But to be redeemed? That’s a tad dramatic. Besides, being better requires an energy she doesn’t have, so she wouldn’t even really want it regardless. She’d probably laugh in the face of anyone that tried to entice her with the idea of it.

Philotes: Talk about your character’s best friends and what friendship means to them.

Maven does not have many friends, and none that she would call a best friend yet. Honestly just the fact that she’s actually making friends at all is a step in the right direction. Back in New York it was basically just her and her mom. Friendship is... complicated. Less terrifying than romantic relationships, but still not safe. Not to sound like a broken record, but all of her trust issues really do lead back to her mother, who sort of isolated Maven from everyone else to where they really only had each other. It wasn’t a Mother Gothel situation where it was done maliciously, she had good intentions, where she was under the idea that she was the only person she was certain would never act to hurt Maven. So she never really encouraged Maven to seek outside friendships, something that makes it hard for her to reach out and form them nowadays. That all being said, once someone gets past all her walls, there is VERY little she wouldn’t do for those she cares about. Her loyalty and protectiveness are second to none of her other traits, and she really is a Mom Friend. The people she feels that protective closeness with so far would be @eliastaylcr, @avxvidalis, @casperhahn and Kiera, obviously.

(The) Phonoi: Talk about your character’s view on murder.

Uhhh bad? Which would legitimately be her response if someone were to ask her that question. It’s really not something she’s thought much about, because she’s never been in a position where it’s been particularly relevant to her. That being said, it is something I could see her being pushed towards for the right reasons. Not sure she knows if she’s capable of it, but she definitely is under the right circumstances.

Ponos: Talk about what would make your character emotionally break.

Honestly too much. She prides herself on being tough but really she’s just like,,,,, 10 different emotional traumas and mental illness stacked in a trench coat that is one bad day from crumbling at any given time. Her goal is to project that she’s handling her shit better than that though.

Tartarus: Talk about your character’s view on retribution.

Not going to lie, Maven is petty. Most of the time it’s just low level theatrics, like being purposefully annoying such as she is with Alarick. Let the punishment fit the crime, and all that. But greater offenses absolutely require greater retribution, and I think it’d honestly fester inside her like an infection until she felt the situation was rectified. She’s kind of like a fury, in that regard. Except to Maven it’s less about justice and more about getting even. It doesn’t matter to her on whether it was technically “justified”, or if she was actually the one in the wrong, if it was a strike against her or someone she cares about, she will not just let it rest. She’s very stubborn and singular about what details are relevant to the story at hand. In example: it doesn’t matter that her friend is the one who started the fight, if you punch them in the face, she’s going to hit you back with a right hook. And maybe a kick.

[noctomania]

As Someone Who Didn’t Vote For 10 Years: Your Vote Matters.

Hey. So, let’s chat. Or rather, hear me out.

I turned 18 in 2006. I did not vote until 2016. Bc even I saw through my apathy & prioritized trying to combat potential fascism. You can get an idea of how many elections one sits out of over a 10yr span here. It’s a lot & I should have done my part much sooner. Though I could say “well I was in college from 2007-2012 & &&” no. Not an excuse. I had time no doubt. I was just apathetic. I have reflections for those who continue to abstain from their right & duty to vote.

I remember my parents encouraging me to register to vote. I think it was part of applying for my license or something. I can’t remember if I ever registered with a party, but I think in TX in order to vote you have to be registered with a party. In any case, since I’ve been registered in the north I haven’t been part of a party bc I too felt the whole thing was a sham. I was still remembering the robbery that was Bush’s terms. TWO WHOLE TERMS. I remember seeing my mom cry when he won his first term. I remember hearing about all the awful shit he was doing as president from my dad & stepmom.

But I also remember thinking: “Why isn’t anyone doing anything?”

It can be incredibly disheartening & frustrating & downright angering to hear about atrocities without hearing about the forces fighting back. Death & Drama sells.

I wasn’t eligible to vote when bush was running. Then Obama came along & I was like “Great, surely my blue state I live in now is all for him & I don’t gotta bother - y'all got my order.”

Your. Vote. Matters.

Obama was an incredible victory. I will never allude to him ever being perfect bc he, just like every other president, has had to make tough decisions that do not always work out, or they make decisions you outright disagree with. He’s just part of the spectrum of what we’ve known, but he was the first Black president of a nation that was built & raised on destroying Native communities & enslaving Black people. That was & will remain significant. As you can imagine, during that time of not voting I also was not entirely involved in racial matters as much as I should have been despite what I was actively learning about in college. I sunk into apathy.

Apathy is a comfort not afforded to everyone. It is not an option for everyone as a means of survival. Were Black communities & of color to sink entirely into apathy they would be completely wiped out bc there are organized white supremacists who spend every waking hour trying to find new ways to attack in covert & not-so-covert ways - voter suppression, intimidation, manipulation, propaganda. Apathy is a privilege. A white privilege that even a kid raised on free lunches at school & hand-me-downs from neighbors could afford.

Your. Vote. Matters.

Let’s talk symbolism. “My refusal to vote is symbolic of my disgust with how this nation is run, how our elections are corrupt, to show my hatred of the electoral college, my vote doesn’t matter anyway bc ...”

You’re right. Your vote is symbolic. But not for what you think.

When you don’t vote, that is like not replying to a message. The nation poses a question to all voters: Who do you want to represent you? If you don’t reply to the email, your input isn’t counted at all. There is no footnote to say “I didn’t vote bc of such-and-such reason.” You might have been unconscious. You might have forgotten. You might have not cared. You might care very much.

But there is literally no job in the entire election process who’s responsibility is to sit in an office & contemplate why Jared in Oklahoma didn’t cast a vote.

“Gee, I sure hope Jared is ok. Is he mad at us? I guess he might want change...”

No. The way you show that you are not happy with how things are going is to vote. THAT is how you send the sentiment of “Hey so this isn’t great I’d like to try moving this way.” But we can’t really make progress without continuing to push. Even when things look like they’re going well (”Hey, we got a Black guy in office, we’re doing great with the racism stuff!”) you gotta keep pushing - which is why you need to be able to realize the ones you do vote for need to be criticized as well. Obviously, there will be myths & the ones about Obama probably hit a record tally on that with how angry a Black person as president made the racists in this country feel, but there are valid criticisms as well that should not be overlooked if we want to know how to push for a better tomorrow, or to avoid accidentally electing a new nightmare bc you aren’t getting immediate results from who you thought was going to change the world. It’s a lot to put on one president. It would take multiple terms, beyond 2, to really see a shift considering they may be combating an opposing congress or supreme court. 

The only reason your vote matters is because it is symbolic. If we all had esp we wouldn’t need to vote. Writing on a form that looks different depending on where you are yet all cumulatively results in the tallying for ONE election is entirely symbolic. That’s not an argument against voting, it’s proof as to why you should vote. Symbolism is not without consequence. Look at every book-burning that has ever happened. Our ideas are symbolic until they are put into practice. Your vote is your idea. We can’t read your mind. And the government isn’t reading your blog being like “GiantD0ngB0ng really said it best when they said ‘Fuck politicians’. That really change our perspective on how we had been running this nation. You’re right GiantD0ngB0ng, you’re right.”

If we had elected Hillary after Obama, we wouldn’t be so fucking bad with corona bc she wouldn’t have dismembered the pandemic response Obama had built due to swine flu, we wouldn’t be nearly as worried about ACA, we would still absolutely have criticisms bc no matter Woman, Black, Hispanic, Immigrant, Trans, Disabled, Homeless, or any combination of intersection of minorities, nobody is perfect. Nobody knows all the answers. Thus a decentralized government model that will only remain anywhere near as such if we stop letting fascists & bad faith actors get power by using our symbolic vote to say no.

Most everyone HATES group projects. I certainly do. If any people enjoy them, there are still likely aspects of it that rub them the wrong way like having a partner that doesn’t contribute. Guess what.

Elections are group projects.

I believe it was EvelynFromTheInternets who made me realize that, & echoes much of the same sentiment I have written in this.

And at 5:55 she says: What Are You Going To Do On November 4th bc We Are Still Fighting For Suffrage. We have to keep pushing & working towards a better tomorrow, today. None of it will amount to much if people are not voting. You can campaign & fundraising & educate all you want. But if people don’t vote it’s all for nothing. You need both.

“ As of June 2020, the United States had the highest number of incarcerated individuals worldwide, with more than 2.12 million people in prison “ This is absolutely part of the bigger problem & yet another way people have been disheartened. It’s on purpose. They don’t want disenfranchised communities to be able to vote. So we - those of us who don’t have to wait in lines for hours, those of us who don’t face racial violence, those of us who can choose apathy & laziness for a decade with little to no personal consequence - must vote symbolically for them.

If you want your vote to mean something then vote for them. Vote for the people who are still ineligible to vote even though they aren’t in prison anymore. Vote for the people who despite working more than you do, harder than you do, for less than you do, still have to pay taxes & still denied the right to vote. Vote for the people who can’t vote bc police murdered them. Vote for the people who wait 10 hours in line to vote & are turned away when they finally get to the front of the line. Vote for those who don’t have the right to relinquish in the first place. Hell you can even vote for those who do vote anyway but have been misled by propaganda. Bc if you don’t, eventually we all will sink. You may be in the upper class of the titanic but in the end the whole ship is going down & you may just have the opportunity to slowly freeze out in the dark ocean on a lifeboat with all your rich strangers with the slim chance at survival rather than swallowed immediately by the sea like those who were locked in the lower levels to keep them from access to rescue.

At 7:24 Evelyn hits another really important part that I think drives my whole point home: as a Black woman her actual life, & those who share her experience, is on the line constantly in this country & much of this world. It is not entirely as symbolic to some people as it is to the more privileged populations.

Sure, your vote is symbolic, & sure you not voting is absolutely symbolic. But the only thing not voting is symbolic of is your apathy, your own privilege to choose that & think you’ll be fine & that it’s other people who need to “wake up”. No babe, it’s you. Wake up to the wider consequences of symbolic gestures.

Your vote matters whether it’s electoral college or popular vote. Your vote matters to getting closer to an admin that will enable popular vote as the determinant & eradicate the electoral college. Your vote matters whether you’re in a “blue” state or a “red” state or a battleground state. A state is only red or blue until it’s not. I come from TX I know about that shit. The only reason “battleground” states are a focus is bc they fluctuate more often than others, that doesn’t make others ineligible to change. Your vote matters bc you may be only a portion of the overall grade, but the overall grade affects everyone. It will impact others more harshly than you.

Your Vote Matters.

I want to add one last note: voting doesn’t happen once every 4 years, & it’s never JUST about president. If you don’t go vote at all, you are neglecting the more local stuff as well which is what affects the bigger elections. If all you do during a group project is read one line during the presentation in class, the grade will reflect you lack of effort elsewhere throughout the project. If I showed up & only voted for president & nothing else it would be for nothing. Racist & bigoted GOP will vote all red all the time up & down ballot. It’s not about age either. If your vote didn’t matter then they wouldn’t sink so much money & effort into trying to prevent people from doing it.

[helenaswriting]

ships for @why-the-heck-am-i-here!

@why-the-heck-am-i-here: “Okay I really really want a ship thingy for marvel, Harry Potter and stranger things pls!! Imma send it here because I want to tell you as much about myself as possible 👉🏻👈🏻. (Feel free to post it still lol! Okay so my name is Bailey and I’m 5’9 (v tall) I currently have kinda short black wavy hair but I’m always dying it! Imma do pink next ;). I have green eyes and I tend to always do big thick eyeliner and smudged eyeshadow. I dress more on the oversized grunge side of the fashion spectrum, tho I would love to go more alternative. Okay now that that’s out of the waaayyy. I’ve always been described as the cool one kinda. I’m laid back but at the same time always up to do something stupid lol. I’m definitely always up for some fun but also a good ol nap. When I’m not doing anything like that I’m drawing or binging any show/movie I can get my hands on! Anime sign me up! Horror sign me up! Romantic sign me up!! You get the point. Back to drawing tho, that is such a big part of my life. I’ve been drawing since I can remember. Rather it’s just doodling or going out side with a canvas and some watercolor I’m always doing something new with art! I even have a small business. And if I happen to get a cool idea I’ll sketch it out on anything! My pets are also a big part of my life. I have a Pomeranian puppy named kuma and a GIANT Akita named Harlow. Their kinda stupid ngl but that means they take after mom 😣. Oh there’s music! I’m literally always listening to it or wishing I was listening to it, some times if I can’t I’ll start humming a song without realizing. Lastly id say I’m really touchy, I like to hold hands and get hugs 🥺. SNUGGLING IS THE BEST AHHH. Just some little facts; I’m a slytherin 🚨🚨 My favorite marvel character is rocket I’m a sucker for sandwiches My favorite color is black I always imagined myself sneaking my dog into Hogwarts as a pet (probably the Akita because 🙃) I’m a master a video games! Pokémon is my bff That’s all I can think of! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I HOPE IM NOT A BOTHER 👉🏻👈🏻”

hello!! you aren’t a bother at all and thank you for your request! i just did marvel and harry potter, if that’s alright? i’m very sorry, i just had so many considerations for stranger things and couldn’t make up my mind :( i hope you still enjoy reading these headcanons!! <3

· so, let’s start of with marvel! · as i was reading your description, i was considering many ngl, but i just have to go with bucky, because y’all would really be a power couple. · so the two of you meet very randomly, and a little cliché, at a blockbuster. (rip blockbuster btw). · you’re browsing shelves of movies, just taking a good look when you spot this tall guy, with shoulder-length brown hair, eyes on you, flustered when you spot him and you just kind of smile to yourself. · you spot the metal hand he’s hiding in his sleeve, (knowing who he was, though it wasn’t something you minded,) as you strike up a conversation with him, about the movie he’d quickly picked up when he saw you heading his way. · “the 40-year-old virgin, huh?” · “what- uhh, sorry?” · you nod to the dvd in his hand, realising that was the movie he’d randomly picked when panicking, though he wouldn’t admit he was, even later when you become a couple. · bucky and you end up leaving with each others numbers on your phones, and though he has a hard time admitting it, he’s very giggly and happy. · i mean he just got a really cute girls number, what was there not be ecstatic about? · anywho, so fastforward to after a little too many dates where he asks if you want to make it official. · it’s actually a really sweet moment. · you two are sitting at a fountain, no one around, your head on his shoulder as you just listen to the sound of the water behind you, a comfortable silence between you two. · he then kisses your lips, and you’re both feeling over the moon. · so this guy loves everything about you. · you both kind of have the same energy in a way, both laid back and though he might not have the same amount of coolness as you, you two just click and fit perfectly. · there’s never awkward silences between y’all, you’re practically soulmates, and that’s what steve and sam say too when they meet you and see you together. · if bucky has to go shopping for new clothes he always brings you along for advice, ‘cause he really likes your style and the vibe you have. · and you love styling him, since he goes along with almost everything. · for only you, of course. · bucky always hypes you up and admires your art, kissing your temples as you draw or paint, looking at your art. though he thinks your the art. · btw he absolutely LOVES your pets, and he spoils them by giving them too many treats sometimes, but he can’t help it. · yes, he is a big dog lover.  · is it just because they are your dogs and seem to have some of your personality? · maybe.  · he’s a soft boy with you, always there for you, holding you close whenever he can. · and this guy is also very touchy. · there’s nothing he loves more than laying on the couch with you, snuggling and cuddling as you watch a movie together or playing video games. · you almost always end up talking through movies, not being able to focus, but y’all don’t really mind.  · and you always kick buckys ass in video games, and when he get’s sad about losing you make up for it with kisses and loads of love <3. · he loves listening to music with you too and you showing him songs you like, since he’s not all that up to date with modern music and what’s popular nowadays. · bucky LOVES holding hands with you btw. · he only really uses lots of pda if he’s jealous of some guy checking you out, but he always holds your hand, proud to have you by his side as his lover. · he just appreciates you so much, and is so thankful that you support him and are there for him, especially when he’s going through dark episodes of trauma and PTSD. · all in all, you’re a real power couple, always strong together and you both rely a lot on each other. the trust and bond the two of you is so deep and stunning, and you’re a real dreamy, grunge couple.

· now to the world of harry potter! · okay, so honestly how can i not ship you with the obvious person who came to my mind first- draco malfoy.  · so the two of you are childhood friends and meet in your first year at hogwarts, befriending the boy. · we all know that draco is quite the dramatic person sometimes, and you two are quite different in that sense. · sure you have the same slytherin qualities, but since you’re waaay more laid back, sure up for a little trouble, but nothing with major drama, draco is the opposite. · he’s meddling himself into things that are unbelievable sometimes, getting into trouble for the most dramatic things.  · but you’re always there to help him. · you grow to be best friends, and many from the other houses judge you for that due to his reputation. · but the thing was that they didn’t actually know him the way you knew him, as a best friend, though you wanted to be more, and let’s be honest draco has had a crush on you since your third year at hogwarts. · he asks if you want to go to the yule ball with him, and that’s when you both crack at the same time to tell each other you want something more than to just be friends. · might i add draco is very enchanted by your dress, which i personally imagine to be this black or grey, puffy gown. · no matter what you would be wearing, he’d love it and think you look gorgeous. · “draco, i-” · “i have to tell you-” · “oh,” you both say at the same time. · “you go first!” · “no, you, you.” · “i insist you speak first, i-” · but he interrupts you by placing his lips on yours and god are there loads of butterflies in your stomach. · from that night, you’re a couple, but it’s not something you disclose to many people in the beginning, despite draco being so fond of pda. · fond of pda doesn’t even begin to describe it honestly. · once you’re a couple he can’t stop showering you with kisses, hugs, gifts, chocaltes- everything. · infront of anyone, anywhere. · btw he loves shopping with you and for you, and simply must give you really extra clothes worth god knows how many galleons, but he doesn’t mind at all. · whenever you gift him something it’s usual small, but very personal, and god this boy may seem tough and ready to square up, but he becomes so emotional when you give him a present- no matter what it is. · also he loves giving you art supplies, insisting on buying your watercolour paintings so he can have them on display both in his dorm but also at home, though his parents may not be to fond of it. · he’s your number one supporter and inspiration. · draco is very proud to have you, and WILL show you off whenever he can. · he thinks and knows you deserve it, for everything you put up with. · aka him. · draco is the sort of person who has a facade for most people, you being one of the only ones, if not the only one, to be able to break down that facade. · he knows that he can be difficult sometimes, since being emotional is something he’s bad at showing just because it’s something he hides a lot, but he knows he can trust you and be himself around you. · and he knows that you’re always there for him. · and draco is always there for you. · you two have a lot of fun and are always pulling pranks or getting into trouble. · on a date you two went to explore the dark forest, luckily not getting hurt, but even if it was scary, it was funny as well. · afterwards you retreated to your dorms, sitting in the common room, having movie marathons, which annoyed the other slytherins since you two hog the tv quite a bit. · he also loves sneaking up to your dorm and taking you out on midnight walks. · sometimes you take your dog along, and it’s all just very cute. · all in all, you are such a great pair, strong, fun and troublesome, yet sweet and tender.

[mjalti]

P1. Hi Ms. Mjalti! I hope all is well with you, your family, and your endeavors! I really admire how steadfast you are in your prudence and independence, graciousness and ability to say no because I too have these traits, especially when it comes to men. I recently just joined Tinder (b/c for the New Year I promised to be more open to new ideas and experiences) and it truly has been an exercise in patience. Some of these guys just don't understand or appreciate the nuances of romance

P2. and actually meeting and genuinely getting to know someone and developing a healthy adult relationship built upon time, trust and consent. I’m 21, gay and a virgin and I’m happy to admit those things, and I yearn for a proper adult relationship that isn’t just one night stands and quick hook-ups, but whenever I explain to these guys who want those things from me that I’m not into that and I truly am just a baby gay looking for my own version of the original cliché idealistic romance P3. they say things that make me seem as if I’m judgemental or a bad person for denying them my body for their sexual sustenance. I’m not judgemental at all but I will never waver my morals or lower my standards for someone else! Like, I don’t feel bad for these feeble men at all. It’s just so frustrating trying to establish an adult relationship with love and romance amongst guys who just want to add me to their body count.P4. Have you ever had to deal with similar experiences and how does it make you feel?

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Hey honey. This is such big question but let’s get into it lol. First of all, I think being gay still comes with alot of responsibilities that you didn’t necessarily sign up for & none of them are your “fault”. Finding a (1) partner is already difficult for everyone but for people who are gay, there are additional layers bc alot of gay people who are out have come out at the “”price”” of their family’s abandonment or their friends abandonment or something like that. Obviously, a significant amount have also had the opposite happen (where their families were supportive ,etc) but for most people, there is that layer of missing a “community” so instead of waiting to get to know the person (as you seek), there’s a desperation to connect; often that means sex as soon as possible to establish that “connection”. This isn’t healthy but for alot of people, it’s also about having someone around who is ALSO gay and a need to “Secure” a partnership, a connection, or something that proves to them “I am not alone”. There is alot of “”unearned”” trauma & people still haven’t healed from what they had to live through. And those are the lucky ones who are still alive. Now; this isn’t dismal. There are also a ton of people who are happy & well adjusted. I would encourage you towards compassion for the people you encounter. You genuinely dont know what people have had to live through. You think about the photographs of gay partners at their partners deathbed from HIV or Felix Gonzalez-Torres work where people take a piece of candy from a pile & discard the wrapper to illustrate how ignored people with aids felt as they were left to die. There is alot of “past” that goes into “present”. I say this just to tell you that the people you encounter may be anywhere on the spectrum of healing. 

Your situation is much more complex than mine is & I won’t sit here telling you it’s going to be easy or that you’re going to meet the love of your life if you do x, y, z. I dont know any of that. I just know that everyone wants to feel safe & validated. I feel like it’s important to acknowledge that we are on two parallel lines & that yours, while similar, is more challenging than mine.

But you asked about me. 

I have always encountered people who have yearned to “heal” but not call it healing. To heal through me. And I’ve always denied them that, bc I am not a source of the type of healing they need. In no way can another human being heal you through sex or the depicted “love”. Sometimes love is getting the person to therapy. For me, it’s about communication. I try to understand the person. If someone is just a sexual person & can handle having had sex with several people, then I’m ok with them having had sex. If I discern that it’s a pattern they’re using to self-harm, I try to get them to start asking themselves “why do I do this?” And then if I see them making an effort to be more conscious of their actions, setting goals for healing, AND meeting those goals, then I allow myself to be in their presence. I cannot be around people who self harm or have self destructive tendencies bc I personally know my own limits and I know that …it does bad things to me. I guess the way I deal with it is I try to engage the other person’s soul, I try to talk to their spirit in the least esoteric way possible lol, I just try to get to know them & try to see where they started thinking of “hurting” as their natural state. And then work with them to get to a better place. And then get Chinese takeout. But it’s about..wanting the best for the other person, even if their best doesn’t include me in it. 

When I get someone who is still living in their hurt & doesn’t want to engage in conversation about it, I wish them the best & move forward without them in my life, bc I am no one’s savior. I am just a human being trying to be human. I am not here to be anyone’s home, anyone’s mom, anyone’s therapist. I am doing my best and I am trying to engage with people who put effort in me, that I return to them. I am seeking that compassion. But if someone isn’t ready to give that to me, I do not demand it from them. I just move forward. 

Additionally, as another virgin, I guess I would only encourage you to not tie your sense of “purity” to what your genitals do. Some people have higher “body counts” bc they have an easier time connecting to other people or bc they wanted to have sex. It is only a problem when a person uses sex as a form of destruction. I hope that makes sense. 

I know I said alot but to wrap it up; 

I would get the opinion of another gay person on this as a phenomena bc I know it exists (the rapid push towards sex) & they would maybe have a better understanding of it (a more vivid understanding) than me, but overall, you know that someone valuing you for who you are is not an outlandish request (by far) for a romantic relationship. You can negotiate on many things but respect as a human should never be one of them. If someone has traumas to work out, remember to be compassionate bc we all have lived through private hells. Try to meet people in real life bc apps will always include two types of people; those looking for sex and those desperate to get into a relationship. You are neither of those. Join an LGBT group near you if you can find one and try to interact with your community, try to find a person who sees connection with the same definition as you do. I wish you the best!

[s-nebul0sa]

I just realized there are some asks left... The rest? 😉😄

Are you kidding me?!

Not what I meant when I said ‘ask me stuff I’m in the mood to answer questions’. 😂😂

1. The meaning behind my url:

I wanted S_Nebulosa or something but that was already taken… so I had to come up with something and somehow that’s how I came up with this. No deeper meaning.

3. How many tattoos I have and what they are:

One tattoo of 3 snowflakes.

5. Piercings I have:

I have pierced ears and that’s it.

7. Biggest turn offs:

When someone has a weird air/moves weird or something. Idk sometimes when I see someone I instantly know I dislike something about the way they move or hold themselves. It’s really vague and weird but it is what it is. Also being mean or rude. Cancelling stuff last minute for reasons like ‘also had plans with someone else’ because you could’ve just put stuff in your agenda and let me know before I was all hyped up and ready to meet… and chewing with an open mout.

9. Tattoos I want:

A star Katie drew but maybe with something else or made into a nice design or something.

11. Age:

23

13. Life goal:

Be happy, nice job, kid(s), spouse. Oh no! Have my parents come visit me instead of the other way around because I’m so independent and mature. That’s more attainable.

15. Relationship status:

Single

17. A fact about my life:

You’re assuming I actually have a life?

I have too many hobbies and I’m too attached to them to quit anything but it’s also getting in the way of stuff like uni…

19. Middle name:

Don’t have one

21. Are you a virgin?

I’m a cancer

23. What’s your sexual orientation?

I’ve given up labelling myself. Or maybe accepted that I don’t want to label myself. I don’t know. I just use (umbrella term) gay. Also something on the asexual spectrum probably.

25. Someone you miss:

I honestly don’t really miss anyone.

27. First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

First celebrity I think of when anyone says anything (positive) is Katie… what a surprise.

29. One insecurity:

Only one? I guess… my body

31. Have you ever taken a picture naked?

No

33. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

Like, quick peck on the lips? Or actual kiss kiss? The latter; no. The former; yes. In a play for a scene. And my sister, mom and grandma probably.

35. Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?

Maybe when I was little but not as a teen or adult.

37. Have you ever been dumped?

No, that’s the benefit of never having had a relationship.

39. Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

I don’t think I have.

41. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

No I didn’t really have anywhere to sneak off to and I wouldn’t dare anyway.

43. Have you ever been arrested?

No omg my mom would have me killed. (I know I’m an adult but my mom is still scary when she wants to.)

45. Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

Well, I do occasionally manage to have friends. So, yes. If this question is meant as in, like, a booty call or something; then no.

47. Have you ever had a crush on your neighbour?

No. I don’t really know my neighbours here and my parents’ neighbours are families with kids I used to babysit so that would’ve been very inappropriate and awkward. But thankfully I just didn’t seem to ‘do’ crushes until recently.

49. Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

Yes. Is this supposed to be scandalous (for straight people)? I used to sleep in my mom’s bed with her when my dad was away for business (alternating nights with my sister and sometimes on the last night if it was an odd number of nights we both got to sleep there). And my sister has a double bed and sometimes I ‘sleep over’ with her in her bed. And I’ve shared double air mattresses with friends before for sleepovers and once on a school trip where the boat back had broken or something so we were sent to a hotel that only had double beds…

51. Have you ever been on a plane?

Yes, multiple times.

53. Have you ever slept in until 3?

Probably not. That’s really late. Might’ve stayed in bed until 3 (or later) staring at the ceiling or spending time on my phone but I don’t think I ever managed to sleep until 3.

55. Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

I have.

57. Have you ever played dress up?

Yes, I used to love dressing up as a princess. We also have this (dumb, sorry, I’m opinionated) thing here where people dress up (not Halloween, we don’t celebrate that) in February or March. (It’s called carnaval.) In primary school we had to go dressed up on the Friday before.

59. Have you ever been lonely?

I’m a lot lonely and very often…

61. Have you ever been to a club?

Yes, I think so.

63. Have you ever touched a snake?

Maybe? Look at my memory failing me. Probably not because I think I’d have remembered and it would’ve freaked me out so much.

65. Have you ever been suspended from school?

No, goody two shoes, remember?

67. Have you ever been in a car accident?

Not a big one but on the way back from a holiday with friends some truck tried to merge into our lane by driving through our car. Didn’t work. Had some damage to the pain but mostly his own truck got damaged. Was a whole deal with the police and stuff and him not speaking any language any of us spoke… and I was a little shaken. But all ended well and insurance covered our damage. Or he did. I don’t know. It was my parents’ car. I handed them the papers we got from the police and they fixed it with insurance and stuff.

69. Have you ever witnessed a crime?

Omg yes when I was like a super tiny kid. Maybe 3 or 4. (Wait, is a crime different than an offence or something? Idc. I want to tell this story now.) I vividly remember it because I was sitting in the car while my mom was packing the groceries in the trunk and a man took a woman’s bag/purse and ran away. She started yelling at him and chasing him and it spooked him so much he dropped it. It made a huge impression on me even though I probably made it bigger in my mind than it actually was.

71. Have you ever been lost?

Yes, at summer camp we were lost once during a night scavenger hunt/walk/quest thingy. I don’t know the translation. And because of my sublime sense of direction I get lost all the time and thanks to modern technology find my way again.

73. Have you ever felt like dying?

Like I was dying or like I wanted to die? Yes to one of those two.

75. Have you ever sang karaoke?

I’ve played singstar or some equavalent before during birthday parties.

77. Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

Damn no I’m glad I haven’t.

79. Have you ever kissed in the rain?

No

81. Have you ever made out in a park?

No

83. Have you ever glued your hand to something?

I’m me so I must’ve. Definitely to paper but I don’t know if I glued it to something else ever.

85. Have you ever gone to school partially naked?

No, the least I’ve probably worn was shorts and a t-shirt (and underwear and socks and stuff).

87. Have you ever sat on a rooftop?

Yes, my internship had a rooftop terrace thingy.

89. Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?

Have I ever not been?? I’m usually too scared to even watch scary movies with other people…

91. Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

No and nowadays with phones and stuff, I would not appreciate it at all. That thing’s expensive and not water resistant.

93. Have you ever broken a bone?

Yes, broke my thumb (not all the way through) and splintered off a tiny piece off bone in my pinky. Those are two separate occasions.

95. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

I have

97. Have you ever cheated on a test?

Yes. In the second year of (Dutch) high school, my history teacher would not pay attention at all during tests and I didn’t like history tests because of all the dumb facts (that I now know can be really useful and give you an idea of when stuff happened in relation to other stuff). So, I had put my book on my lap. Also, during Spanish because we knew the test would be to write a letter so the entire class just pre-wrote it using google translate and printed it to tape it inside their dictionary. I did too.

99. Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

No and this seems odd too because everyone is real… but maybe I just never feel like a person isn’t real but me meeting them isn’t real or something… idk