#while the outline is the same the execution is VERY different from what i had envisioned

[shouldhavestayedawayfromhere]

How to plan out Rituals (step-by-step guide)

Until a while ago, I still had to attend church every Sunday. Ever since I've stopped doing that, I use that time to develop my own regular practice. And I do a ritual while most of my family is out the house.

So here's a step-by-step guide one how I set up and execute my rituals, and I'm gonna try and make it look less intimidating to people with low motivation, executive dysfunction, or other similar issues (shoutout to my neurodivergent witches).

Ritual purpose

Sometimes I brainstorm what I want the ritual to be about they day before. That takes off some pressure from coming up with something on the spot. I used to have no ideas what to even do rituals for, but once I got the hang of it, it came to me pretty easily.

Sometimes you will know exactly what to make a ritual for. Xy has been causing you stress, or a person in your life has been on your mind a lot, or there's a situation you want some guidance with. If not, it can be helpful to have a list somewhere in your notes with some general things you want to work on. Dreams, goals, or even character flaws that you could tackle with the help of a deity.

It also helps me to do my rituals at the exact same time every week. It gets me in the mindset. These days I just wake up on Sunday's and think "oh, it's witchy time!"

Ingredients & Tools

Now that we know what our ritual will be about, it's time to think about what you're gonna need. Everyone uses very different tools, so I'll put down a general list of things you might need.

What deities will you invoke?

Their sigils/enns/symbols to use

What objects do you need? (This can be anything from rocks, crystals, a marter, to amulets, candles, pens and paper)

What herbs will you use, if any?

Once you got that, decide where to do the ritual, in case you don't already have a set spot or altar for this purpose.

I can also recommend always having at least one divination tool with you during ritual. Maybe a tarot deck, or a different one if you/your deities prefer it. For me, ritual is always a time where I have really good conversations with me deities.

Outlining the Ritual Body

Now, we know what we want and what we need. The next step is to plan out the ritual body. If you're already very experienced and have been holding rituals for years, you may not need to do that. But this is pretty much a beginner's guide, so we will take small steps.

During the ritual body, you do the actual ritual. Whatever you wanna do. It could be praying, singing, dancing, cooking, crafting, making herbal mixes, spells, amulets, curses, and so on. It's 100% up to you.

I recommend writing down the steps one by one in the beginning, so you can look at it during your ritual execution and know what to do next. As you do more rituals, you will find yourself swaying from your plans more and more, and that is okay and natural. It's only supposed to be a guide. If the ritual suddenly takes an unexpected turn, just go with what feels right.

Here's a short example for a ritual body from myself:

Invoke ritual circle & deity

Meditate until I feel grounded

Write out my worries and questions I have

Go through them one by one with the help of divination

Make a conclusion with my deity

Write prayer to deity, thanking them

Give offerings

Burn sigil of deity

Thank & dismiss deities & circle

Now this is a pretty simple one, but I hope you kind of get the concept.

Setting up the Ritual Space

So we know what we want and need and how we're gonna do it, step by step. Now it's time to gather everything we need and set up your ritual space.

I'm usually in front of my altar with a pillow to sit on. I dust off my altar a little and put all the herbs and objects I need around me on the floor. Then I also bring my book of shadows which has all the necessary invocations in it and my ritual notebook, where I planned out my ritual.

You can also do a pre-ritual routine, if you have one. For example taking a bath or a shower with your favorite (cleansing) herbs. If you don't have the time or energy for that, do some simple cleansing. Smoke, sound, crystals, whatever you like. For very low energy days, I sometimes just eat a corn of salt. It cleanses and it's simple, and not overstimulating to any of my senses.

Ritual Execution

Now, we are truly ready to do the ritual! Sit down, take a deep breath, light some candles. Maybe darken the room if you want. Put on some music (any music that helps you get in the mindset of the kind of ritual you're about to do). Take a moment to gather your thoughts and start your ritual.

Ritual Follow-up

Once you are done with this, it's time for ritual a ritual follow-up. This will not be necessary every single time, do this as you feel you need it. The energy can spike pretty high during a ritual, which can lead to spell-drop or other symptoms.

You can either do an elemental balancing or a different type of grounding. This is for when you used a lot of energy, or got very emotional. It might throw your balance off and you could literally end up sick if it's really bad (happened to me before).

If you feel alright mentally, physically, and emotionally, and you don't feel like you need a balancing or grounding, you can also just take a moment to sit down and reflect on your ritual. Write down any thoughts that come to mind. What was good, what was not, what worked or what didn't, how did you feel, what would you change, etc.

Conclusion

Congratulations, you made it! You have now mastered your ritual! Let's make a conclusion of all the steps:

Brainstorm the purpose of your ritual

Decide what ingredients to use

Plan out the ritual body

Prepare ritual space

Ritual execution

Ritual follow-up

That's all! I hope this inspires some people, feel free to share your own opinion/thoughts on this or ask questions :)

[ekingston]

I was gonna be cheeky and ask for 10 and 19 again BUT I shall resist that urge… for now.

I will be sneaky (critical failure) and ask for three (I lied) 28. 30. And 37.

And what the hell, everyone should be proud of their work/s so a 33. (Feel free to pick a couple if this is just asking for a lot - I feel like it is 😅)

I feel like I’m order takeout or reading lotto number here

haha thank you! and the bonus number is…

Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

today i’m reminding myself to practice mindfulness! and not in the sense of breathing exercises or lengthy meditation sessions (although I’m sure those have their benefits too) but by making myself be in the present, paying attention to all of my senses, and remembering that my characters would do the same. you’ll need that material to fill in the little details that draw the reader into your work, that tricky thing that makes them feel like they can’t just see it, but like they’re actually there. life is a sensual experience, and i think our stories should reflect that!

Describe a fic that almost happened, but then didn’t.

this got long, so…

i once scribbled down a dream i had that was a sort of trippy time travel/repeating day type of thing, where Lena was part of a small crew of criminals that used Lena’s tech to travel back in time to aid them with their heists. they would simply rewind time over and over, taking note of the details, learning every possible outcome, eliminating obstacles along the way, practicing the motions often enough to nail the final, perfect execution.

the first scene was a very bloody one, and i came in right in the middle of it, not understanding how Lena and her people could be so callous about the people laying bleeding and dying at their feet, especially because Kara was one of them. Lena’s crew just kept saying they’d ‘fix that next time’, like some sort of cryptic mantra.

in the dream Lena ended up looking for Kara in every run through, charming her in a thousand different ways, always the same, Kara falling for her every time. there were a few rewinds that took her back so far that Kara was still a child, immediately smitten but completely lost on earth, abandoned and alone, and Lena lobbied hard to make sure her crew fixed that, too, even when it meant Lena would never meet her again.

i saw Lena’s crew running down a dark alley over and over again, at least one of their crew dead or dying, at least one other gravely hurt. Kara turned out to be the reason their plan failed every single time. Lena ended up having to turn against her team to save her before they could eliminate her from their timeline completely.

in the end Lena lay dying in child-Kara’s arms, telling her ‘we’ll fix it next time.’ this was when she’d finally discovered Kara wasn’t human. the line i woke up with was Lena telling Kara to promise her, ‘if you figure it out someday—fly up’. the theory being, i think, that if Kara somehow were to fly high enough, fast enough, she’d achieve the same effect Lena did with her tech, and Kara could go back to save Lena instead.

my dreams get pretty elaborate, but they rarely come with as tidy of a plot as this one did, so i bet it already exists somewhere.

Do you research before writing or while you write? Is it fun or boring for you?

i don’t feel i write the kind of stuff that requires a lot of research and that’s probably a good thing! because i will go down absolutely every rabbit hole the internet has to offer when i do and zero writing will get done. my longform WIP TFOT has been brewing since—let me check—December 11, 2022 (thanks @mooosicaldreamz) and i’ve written less than 20k words, including my outline. instead i have spent my time working on it ‘studying’ veterinary medicine, learning about sustainable agriculture, planning trips to Wyoming and wondering alongside Paula Cole where all the cowboys have gone.

Give your writing a compliment.

i can’t tell you how happy it makes me when people tell me i managed to write something that made them laugh out loud. several times even! sometimes waking up their loved ones or startling strangers! i love that so much.

[beebfreeb]

I've been working on adding a new section to my website (it is No Pickles themed) and I've got 60 or so new assets to draw... Very scary.

(Long ramble about my website and what I want to do in addition to/after I've finished DIDL)

I have really been wanting to put non-DIDL stuff on my website, I just, erm. All the things that I want to be able to show off are NOT in the state for it yet... Everything is far too underdeveloped for my standards, and a lot of the ideas I have are out of scope of my current skills and would take quite a bit of time and effort that I have been trying to funnel into Daisy. Despite it all.

While hopping around between projects and hastily slapping on new parts is fun and easy, actually sitting down and trimming it into a neat and tidy shape is a different matter.

I want a secondary project to work on so baddd. Yet my options...

Airship: Solid character designs and personalities, 1st half completely outlined, 2nd half fearfully untouched. Unsure on the actual website presentation.

TerriByte: My special little babygirl since middle school but developmentally in the pits of hell. I am unsure of what I want for nearly every aspect of it. Might end it making it entirely text-based.

Criatron: Project dedicated to making an absurd amount of character designs but I want it to be a browser game and I don't understand JS in the slightest.

TMMM: Will be an RPGmaker game but in it's current state it is absolutely overambitious and bloated and needs severe trimming. Also making games is hard and requires a lot of skills I don't have and some I don't think I'll be able to pick up (music, namely).

Wizards: Mostly solid character designs. Vague plot (I know what kicks everything off, I know how I want things to end, I don't know how to get from A to B), I have very strong visuals for how I want the webpage to be designed but lack the skills to execute it (Would have to get good at 3d modeling)

Amalgam: Specifically made with web stuff and multimedia in mind but doesn't have a singular plot as much as a bunch of tangentially related things are happening at once as experienced through wiki-like deepdives and websurfing.

There are other things as well that I don't have quite the same passion for at the moment.

If I could add a second readmore for plot/project summaries I would.

Like, I'm almost tempted to make a summary of everything and my pros and cons of working on it. Make it a PDF. Start polling people on it because of how indecisive I am. But I am also very firm in my Augh I want some of this to be a SURPRISE + I avoid putting anything on the internet if I would be very upset by people doing bad faith internet things to it.

Oh wait wait talking to myself in a Tumblr post has made me remember my plan from last February. TESTFIRE CATALOG! And by that I mean making a bunch of proof of concept demo pages and seeing which ones I like working on the most, and maybe which ones people are most interested in.

There are still a ton of new skills I will have to learn however. I wish I had infinite time and money. Oh well the time will pass anyway.

[tamelee]

What do you think of Kishimoto as a writer?

Oh. Well.. allow me.

I'm not a writer myself so I feel like I am in no position to say anything regarding him as a writer specifically. But I'm studying to become a storyteller partly because of Kishimoto. As a writer your tools are limited no matter the amount of creativity you have. Imagine a blank page and a pencil. How do you get from an idea to the story that is 'Naruto'? A Manga where he for the most part had to be his own director, storyteller, storyboard-artist, artist, plotter, scriptwriter, character designer, researcher, special effects artist, tone worker- you name it.

But of course, that's not to discredit Kazisa, Takahashi, Yahagi and Ikemoto who assisted him. Or the editors at Weekly Shonen Jump who helped Kishimoto outline his story to what it is today.

Outlines often get rejected and many of Kishimoto's ideas/original plans did too.

I'm glad as well because some of them I don't think were as strong. Neither were some ideas for example a sketch of Sasuke's original introduction compared to what we have in Chapter 3 now. This fits his character way better and even though I'm often complaining about Naruto's ending (as we all should tbh,) the editors of SJ know their target audience best. That doesn't mean that every story or decision succeeds.. but it does mean there is a structure that generally works. A golden way for Shonen Manga. (Ki-Sho-Ten-Ketsu). One that Kishimoto often struggled with not just 'Naruto' but in general I think because he explained that no matter how many ideas he had for an adventurous story, he never got any green lights. He decided to go for a sports theme and sketched out a baseball Manga.

And it's very apparent in many excerpts when he says that the editors were pushing him a lot towards entertainment, that Kishimoto himself embraced elements of realism and more serious topics himself that weren't necessarily suited for Shonen.

(Side-note: Shonen is not really a 'genre'. Also, the difference between Shonen en Seinen depends on the way it's written. Rating or themes does not classify a story as either one by itself although Shonen is targeted at a younger audience and therefore its plot should generally be more easy to understand within a wider audience group. Often the stories are focussed on external conflicts while Seinen expands a lot on psychological struggles. Even if you were to tell the same story separately it can still be the same story- just executed differently, therefore it's not really a "genre" but a demographic. That's what I mean when I say "I wish 'Naruto' would've gotten a Seinen sequel." It's not about the story being more "mature" as some believe.)

But... even though that all is true for 'Naruto' and its world focusses a lot on external struggles of being a Ninja in it's incredibly adventurous Shinobi-world, Kishimoto didn't shy away from making it a very character-driven story as well. A story where partly, Naruto and Sasuke as our main-act, with their internal conflicts till this day, are somewhat hidden away from that very same demographic even though their feelings are in plain sight. Why? Because it isn't suited for them and certainly not that easy to understand. If you've come across posts here that say "omigod how can you not understand this simple thing? 🙄" regarding something in the story then I'm here to tell you that they probably also didn't the first time they read it, unless they have some media/literacy-experience or something similar. In which case I admire them, but also, don't worry- you're not alone and it's pretty normal.

There's a reason Kishimoto had to fight his own staff so hard to get certain scenes through. (For example his reverse Harem no Jutsu.) And seeing him say that he felt pressured a lot makes me sad but it's understandable because I think what mattered to him at some points through storytelling would've become too complicated for SJ's audience. I can't imagine his own internal battle having fought solitude and rejection himself but then hunching over a desk for 15+ years, immersed in doing what he loves only for him to most likely not be satisfied with the ending. In fact, I'm pretty sure as that last Chapter felt painful. Like a bucket of icy water slapped in your face on your way out.

Hehe. Well, he did.

As him being a Mangaka and creator of stories, I genuinely respect Kishimoto so much. There's a reason why people in the industry call him Kishimoto-sensei. A teacher and master of his craft. It shows in his work and most of all his art.

I mean.. how can you not respect that?? Honestly I could go on and on but I'd be writing entire essays. The writing process itself is complicated, people are involved, editors, but I think he was able to show very well why 'Naruto' at least meant a lot to him and why he wanted to create it. I'm glad he was able to push his ideas through.. despite SJ's demographics in his own way and I can only hope that one day he would have it in him to create a satisfying resolution regardless of anything else. He and the fandom deserve it. But I can only hope. Oh! I love his other stories too actually but, I'm not sure if you're asking about that.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Rhythm posting any writing: enjoy! :)

Me: ah shit here we go again *rereads the whole work from the beginning with all the additional scenes*

I love your writing style sooooo much, it feels like a mug of hot tea on a cold autumn evening while sitting in your favourite armchair, blanket on, petting your purring cat. Such warmth and comfort just from the words on the screen!

I always wonder, how do you choose what story to continue? You have some unfinished stories, do you just go with whatever you feel like writing or choose the one that you decided you need to update before writing something else? Do you have any rituals before writing, like making tea in a special cup? A playlist? What does your writing process look like? I'm so curious about it! ~🖤

hahahahhaha ngl, that first comment made me chuckle. and then i almost cried with that second paragraph. makes me really happy that you perceive my writing that way.

i wish i had a system that helped me tackle my long list of wips, but honestly i just go with whatever my goblin brain desires. which is, unfortunately, not very efficient lol.

the way my creative process had "worked" so far is that i hyperfixate on a concept/scene and that just gave me enough energy/brainpower to keep me working on something. that method isn't working anymore, and i'm struggling heavily with executive dysfunction (which has been affecting other parts of my life besides my beloved hobbies, but that's a different matter).

technically i do have like a priority list (recently, i try to not have more than three WIPs in that list. everything else is put on pause) and i jump from one work to the other depending on what the little lizard that controls my brain wants to work on. i've been writing, just very little on different projects at a time, so it's sloooowwww, but at least it's something!

i def would like to find something that could help me keep the habit, but at the same time i kinda feel like i can't really force it, so idk 🤷‍♀️

also, i don't think i've got any rituals 🤔 i prefer to write in silence as that allows me to immerse in the scene i might be working on, but sometimes if my thoughts are too chaotic, i do play some background music. i can't listen to people speak/sing and write at the same time, so usually when i do that i go for videogame osts that either fit the vibe of the fic or that are my comfort games (catch me listening to the entire twilight princess soundtrack while trying to write something just because it calms me down lol).

something that has kinda worked for me and has allowed me to write those few words i've written these past few months, it's having two separate documents for the same work.

one of the docs just has ideas, outlines, detached scenes, scenes out of order, and it's just overall a chaotic mess. then there's the "clean" doc, where the story is being written in order and more "polished". i used to just have everything in a single doc, but the chaos was messing up with my head, so i found that having that clean version helped me keep the flow. i work with a dual window set-up, with the messy doc on the left and the clean one on the right. dunno why, it just gives me a bit more peace lol

lately, i've kinda wondered if i should take my laptop somewhere that isn't my home and try to write, or if i should find a new place to sit specifically to write, but i haven't really done anything tbh. i'm always just on the sofa, keeping that pristine shrimp posture and hoping for the best lol (don't be like me. i'm in pain constantly because i just can't sit normally)

this is probably unnecessarily long, but i already typed it, so it's staying 🤭🤭🤭

[ducktracy]

how do you start a storyboard? what’s the difference between thumbnail sketches and rough sketches? i wanna learn, but i’m so lost

GOOD QUESTION I AM HAPPY YOU ASKED!! as with all of my explanations, this’ll be long winded but i hope it helps!

so YES! thumbnails are usually first! it depends on how you’re approaching the board. are you working off of a script/written list of ideas? are you just starting completely blank?

i usually try to start with some form of writing down, just because i’m flighty and don’t want to miss any potential ideas in the rush of the process. i’m going to use a personal board i started for fun as an example (and as an incentive to pick it back up, because it said i last opened the file in August, so…)

usually if i’m doing a personal board, i’ll have an outline written of the basic actions i want. nothing too thorough, just “so and so does this” “action for this panel” “so and so does that” etc. this one is timed to music, which is a special case—i REALLY didn’t want to lose the ideas i had, and trying to recite those and keep the beat of the music at the same time got overwhelming and i didn’t think a sheet of thumbnail drawings would help maintain the authenticity in time, if that makes sense. so what i did was type very vague descriptions in each panel, with the panels timed to the music so i knew what to fill in later. i’ve rehearsed the actions enough in my head that i have an idea of what i want, so when i see “camera pans past Porky” i immediately know we’re going to follow Daffy out, i can see Porky encircling him as he catches up in perspective with the camera (enter foreground, exit foreground, Daffy tracks him the whole time while he walks), etc etc I CAN SEE IT. so i have a jumping off point for my thumbs

there were some actions more reliant on the music than usual, so i scribbled them out as crudely and quickly as possible to not only not lose the idea, but see if it works. the water splashes are “animated” in comparison to everything else, but that was mainly to see how the execution would work—is the overlap cluttered or natural? will i have enough time for each beat? i can already tell that i want to move the splashes back as the camera catches up so it doesn’t tangent off screen. that’ll be all fixed later during clean-up—right now i’m just focused on getting the ideas down and sketching out what i have a clearest idea of first. that’s also why there’s a jump of white before Porky and Daffy themselves—i know i’m going to have Daffy come up to Porky from behind, but not exactly sure how i want to stage it yet. fly down in a down shot? follow Daffy from an eye level view? those aren’t pressing matters right now, and i feel i’ll get more clarity with that later once i carve everything out. as such, i just skip it and go to what i have in mind. that’s also why Porky is missing for the last few frames; i needed to envision Daffy’s acting more and see if the staging allowed room for his broad actions. i’ll squeeze Porky in later. BUT. to answer your question more directly, thumbs are usually the blueprint of the blueprint. they’re meant to be crude, ugly, scribbly, NOT DETAILED. they’re meant purely to convey ideas and thoughts, which will be expanded upon later with the roughs. some people like to draw thumbs directly into their boards—i like to open a program like MS Paint (or even just the margins in SBPro) that is as simple as possible so i can focus purely on what i need to. much of it is acting, but sometimes staging is a priority, which i’ll indicate in a box. it is never perfect/completely accurate, but that’s again what the roughs are for. here are a few examples of how i thumbnail—there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it! i just like to have it all in one place so i can check back periodically, i get cold feet if i put my thumbnails directly in every panel. feels like jumping in too quick, i like to work my way up from there

and let me be clear that you can go straight to clean up if you’re comfortable! i know and work with people who go straight from thumbs to clean, and i envy them GREATLY. i’ll sometimes have two different versions of a rough if i’m having trouble getting an idea across—i need to ruminate with the drawings a bit more and generally feel more at ease through the general progression, but it’s all a matter of how you work

and really, it’s just clean up from there! cleaning up the characters, backgrounds, adding inbetweens if necessary for the demands of the board… and after i’m done cleaning, i’ll take care of any housekeeping such as adding white mattes to the characters so they don’t blend in with the BG and checking to make sure the sizes are consistent with each other. (i really only do the latter for professional work, as my personal storyboards are a bit looser and a little more lax) this is a bit of a crude explanation because storyboarding is so subjective of a practice and everyone does it differently. ideally, initial thumbnail drawings would just BE the storyboards, with all the fancy clean up left to layout! but that’s another story… and one that’s futile to bring up seeing as these are for personal use anyway HAHA. but i just like to work my way up and sort of see where the storyboard and the characters take me

[recurring-polynya]

Congrats on 15k followers!

Between Tides is probably my favorite fic of yours, and I'd love to hear what different takes you had for the cover backstory.

Between Tides was the first really long fic I ever wrote, and I had not yet developed my current outlining system. Suffice it to say, I did not have the "mystery" part of the plot very well determined in my head when I started. There were originally a couple more important characters that got cut, and part way through the story, Renji was supposed to get a part-time job teaching at a martial arts dojo (for plot reasons), and the original cover story was related to that. I guess I probably had to rewrite it when I junked that subplot. I had legitimately forgotten about this until I was looking through my notes. I have to say, it is astonishing how well the plot-plot of Between Tides hangs together, given the extremely seat-of-my-pants manner in which it was written.

Also, here's another fun fact that I had forgotten until I found it in there: the name Satonaka came from the main character of the film After Life, a movie about a counseling center for the recently dead . I watched it in my college Japanese film course and it permanently rewired my brain. It was out of print for a long time, but I just now found out that it was re-released by the Criterion Collection in 2021 and guess what this bitch will be doing with her 7-day free trial?

Enough of that. Here is the OG Satonaka teen love drama. I am warning you now that this is super-duper unedited and I'm kind of embarrassed about it, but I love you all very much, so I am letting you look at it anyway.

🌊 🌊 🌊

Fortunately, Rukia had now been doing this long enough that she was starting to be given tasks that she had done before. The sensation of responding “I just emailed it to you!” or “Check the printer!” every time her boss demanded something held some of the same satisfaction as a well-executed squad maneuver. 

Unfortunately, this also meant that when the afternoon rolled around, Sunadori crashed extra hard. She moved her chair over to Rukia’s desk, and sat, leaned over, with her cheek on Rukia’s blotter.

Rukia wasn’t sure, but she thought they might be best friends now.

“I think I want to get back together with Haruta,” she sighed despondently.

“Hmmm,” Rukia replied. “Are there... pros and cons?”

“Did I mention we dated for a while? When we were much younger?”

“I could tell.”

“You could tell?”

“It’s...a common scenario,” Rukia hedged, glancing at the photo of Takeru on her desk.

“He was so angry about his dad’s death,” Sunadori sighed. “And it was like he blamed me. I couldn’t be around him. But he seems different now that he’s back from college. Everyone’s really sick of him talking about his aikido class, but I think it’s really helped him find himself.”

“Hmmm,” Rukia repeated. She was pretty sure this conversation was not generally appropriate for a Living World employment situation. On the other hand, she needed to get more intel on Oga, and this seemed like a really prime opportunity. Also, in the grand scheme of inappropriate captain-lieutenant dynamics she had heard stories about, this didn’t even merit an eyeblink.

“Mr. Satonaka seems very nice. I’m sure you two had a fairy-tale romance.” Sunadori stared at his photo wistfully. She was obviously an oversharer to start with, and for some reason, she was already weirdly invested in her employee’s love life. Rukia decided to throw out some bait.

She blew all the air out of her cheeks. “Hardly. It’s a long, stupid story, it wouldn’t be appropriate for work.”

Sunadori sat up sharply. Hook, line, and sinker. “It’s the week before New Year’s, no one gets anything done anyway. Tell me everything.”

It might seem counterintuitive for Rukia to tell Sunadori a long story when what she really wanted was for Sunadori to tell *her* things. But that wasn’t the way these things worked. She would share a long, juicy story, and then Sunadori would tell her more than she wanted to know, probably forever.

Also, Rukia was really quite fond of the romance manga backstory she and Renji had made up. He’d gotten to pull it out a few times, but she hadn’t, yet. She was really looking forward to telling the whole thing to Orihime when this was all over. Well, here was her big chance.

“Are you sure you want to hear this?”

Sunadori stared at her. “Stop stalling.”

“Okay, well, so, I took martial arts as kid. Our neighbors ran a dojo, an old family school, similar to jujutsu. I took it pretty seriously, marched through the belts, had a room full of trophies. When I was old enough, I started helping with the beginner classes to help pay for my own. I think I was fourteen when Takeru started coming, he would have been thirteen. He was taller than everyone in his class by a head, and he was terrible. Most of the beginners were little. I mean, you can start at any age, it’s just rarer. Anyway, Numata-sensei had me work with him one-on-one so he could get the basics down and move to a group with people closer to his own age. I was really worried that he was gonna be a jerk about having a short girl teach him this stuff, but he was actually very polite, and a good listener, and he started getting better.

“We ended up talking a lot, and it turned out that he didn’t have a very nice family life, and he’d been getting into trouble a lot at school, which is why his mom put him in martial arts. I lived right down the street from the dojo, and I guess he just started coming by after class, and the next thing I knew, he was just at my house all the time.

“For a long time, I thought he liked being around my family as much as he liked being around me. My mom made him sweets all the time, which she wouldn’t make for us. My dad called him ‘sport’. I have an older brother and he’s just a total stiff. He was the captain of the football team and the top student and has had his entire career planned out since he was 8 years old, and Takeru just idolized him.”

“Where’s your brother now?” Sunadori asked hopefully.

“He’s a banker in Tokyo,” Rukia replied. 

“Married?”

“Only to his work. But he’s super married to his work. Would you rather hear about him?”

Sunadori flapped one hand. “No, you can get back to the story.”

Rukia sighed and hunched her shoulders. “This went on for a couple of years. Takeru was getting really good at jujutsu. Not as good as me, but we were competing at the same level, and sparring all the time. We went to regionals the year I was 16, and dominated so badly that the championship round was between me and him.” Rukia’s face went stiff. Acting. “He beat me. He knew my moves so well that he had worked out a counter-offense that he was saving until he had to face me in competition.” Renji had made up this entire part and refused all edits of it. “Afterwards, he insisted on walking me home, even though I wouldn’t speak to him, and he stopped me out in front of my house, and told me that now that he had defeated me, he felt like he could finally ask me if I would be his girlfriend.”

 Sunadori gasped.

“It was really lame,” Rukia editorialized. “It was terrible. The worst.”

“You said yes, though? Right? Please tell me you said yes.”

“Yeah, of course I did. I was 16.”

Sunadori sighed, completely taken in. Point Renji.

“Anyway, we dated for a year or so, and then his dad, who was barely there to begin with, skipped out completely. He fell apart.” She frowned. “I tried to be there for him, but I was in my senior year, dealing with exams and college entrances, and I don’t think I realized how badly he was spiraling. Takeru dropped out of school, he said he needed to get a job to help his mom. Except he didn’t, he-- y’know, I don’t want to go into the details. My family, his mom, Sensei, our friends-- we all tried to help him, and he pushed us away. My brother was off at college in Tokyo at that time, and he called up Takeru and reamed him out, which let me tell you, was not helpful. Finally, I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore. Then I moved away to college and blocked his number, as if he was ever going to call me again.”

Sunadori looked downright misty.

“You had to do the same with Oga?” Rukia asked, grimly.

Sunadori shrugged. “Oga never… got in any real trouble. He was just… mean. Hurtful.”

Rukia nodded. “Takeru had been in and out of trouble the whole time we were together. I never saw that side of him, he hid it pretty well. When we were apart, I told myself that he had lied to me, that he’d never been as good as I thought. But people are complicated, you know? And I dated a few other guys, and I knew none of them were as good as Takeru’s good side."

She took a deep breath. The next part was going to call for some fake tears, which was actually one of Rukia’s specialties.  “So, I was home for New Year’s my senior year of college, and Takeru’s mom comes by. I guess she and my mom had kept in contact, although my mom had never mentioned it. She told me that the summer I left for school, he had enlisted in the JGSDF, and that there had been an accident-- I mean, it wasn’t an accident, it was an IED-- but he was in the hospital. He was going to live, but he they weren’t sure he was going to keep the leg.” One tear, sniff, wipe it away with the heel of her hand.

Sunadori looked downright stricken.

“I mean, he had been a downright rat-bastard, but we had some good times, too, and his mom said he had cleaned himself up a lot, so I thought, maybe I’ll write him a letter. The guy’s in the hospital, may end up with a prosthesis, the least I can do is send him a get-well card. I sat down and wrote him a twelve page letter. I didn’t know I still had twelve pages of feelings left for him. I stuffed that in my desk, and got him a card from the drug store instead. I felt bad after I sent it, so I wrote him a one-page letter of the absolute blandest nothing, and sent that to him. And he wrote back.”

“What did he say?” Sunadori asked breathlessly.

“It wasn’t very long. Thanks for writing mostly. That he hoped I was well. There was nothing in it that indicated he wanted anything from me or expected anything of me.” She frowned. “It broke my heart. So I wrote him a longer letter, just nice things, happy things, things that I remembered would make him smile. And he wrote back to that, too, and then we started texting, and calling. His leg got better. I was back at school, finishing up my last semester, when they let him go home, to his mom’s. I took the train home that weekend, just to see him. I didn’t tell him I was coming.”

“Oh, how romantic! What did he say when he saw you?”

“Well, here’s the thing. You should tell people when you’re visiting them, especially when they’re just out of the hospital. He looked terrible and he was in a lot of pain, and I think he was a little embarrassed. But that’s when I really knew that he had changed. Because through all that pain, he was so careful with everything he said and so gentle, all he cared about was that he didn’t accidentally push me away again. At the end of the weekend, he made me promise that I wouldn’t let him distract me from school and that I would have a strong finish.”

“Mmm, I would have been distracted.”

Rukia’s brows creased. “Ma’am, I assure you I worked very hard on all my coursework, and am a very qualified employee.”

Sunadori rolled her eyes. “You already have the job, get on with it.”

“Well, the job market was pretty tight, and my dad knew someone who needed some part time office help, so I moved back home after graduation. I found out that Takeru’s mom was too busy to get him to PT most of the time, which was downright stupid, since it was basically a miracle that he kept the leg at all. So I started driving him around and at first it was just making sure he made it to all his appointments, and helping him with his veterans affairs paperwork, and then we were just always together again.”

[oonajaeadira]

Adira!!! For the end of the year ask I wanna ask you...

F. What stories are you planning for the future?

N. Anything you were planning to write that never got written?

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

💜

Hello, my sweet Rae!!! Sorry it's so late, I got swept up in chatting with some pals I haven't talked to in a while and they had a new puppy and before I knew it it was midnight. BUT THERE WAS A PUPPY. A PUPPY, RAE. You understand.

.

F. What stories are you planning for the future?

Sooooooo many. I mean, I'm doing a Year of Tropes, so there's 12 at least! A/B/O Javi G is coming in January, there's a Tovar trope fic set for February, and probably Javier for March. I'm keeping the tropes close to the chest, but I hope you'll like them!!!

I have the end of I'll Never Fall In Love Again ready to write. That was supposed to be two more chapters, but I covered enough in the most recent chapter that it may only end up being one more. Or one and an epilogue. (Exciting tidbit is that I just commissioned a piece of art for it--for the final scene specifically! I told the artist that she could dress Dieter and Cakes any way she wanted that fit the scene and I'd write it in. I can't wait to see what she creates for it!)

I'll keep writing Losing My Religion and Sweets Series for sure. I may be wrapping up Pats very soon though; I have another big chapter planned and that may be where I leave them for a while.

I may be continuing my Tarot reader Oberyn story...it has a rough outline, I keep playing with it, but I guarantee it would get really weird...

I'd like to take Light Only Shows You Where the Shadows Are (Max Phillips) further. I’m rather proud of this one. I absolutely loved playing with making Max both very unsettling/dangerous and very protective/soft at the same time and wonder if I can continue that. I like very still, very quiet horror and don't get to play with that enough here.

And my brain just came up with an idea for Joel. It's not an earth-shattering idea, but the format would be completely different than what I usually write. It's not a media fic or anything at all like you're doing, but I do take some inspiration from your Formula 1 fic and your bold format shake up. I've been wanting to do something that is challenging in execution but freeing in structure, if that makes any sense. And it's different enough that I don't know if anyone will read it. (I'd still write it if I really loved it though.) But. I'm going to wait for the series to come along. I'd rather write for Pedro's Joel than Troy's. Start fresh. With a Pedro face!

I may also have some soft series ideas for Frankie and Javier...but we'll see what happens with the other boys first.

.

N. Anything you were planning to write that never got written?

I had a series set in Salem with Ezra that was inspired by my trip there a year ago. It's completely outlined and could still happen...but I didn't get to it this year. 2023 may be the year I return to Ezra!!!!

.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

The theme, my good lady, is soft, dammit. The theme is yearning and love and romance. The theme is working on your own faults and insecurities in order to love yourself and your person better. The theme is trust and communication and understanding. The theme is suffering through just enough angst to pop your heart open like a chestnut so you can get to all the sweetness inside. The theme is Pedro boys, but marinated in butter and sugar, gooey, sweet, with just a dash of spice, but meant to be a very nice indulgence. The theme is I WRITE WHAT I WANT AND I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN TOO.

.

<3

End of year asks!

[mashithamel]

Heart of Obsidian

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Michelle Taiki Art (@michelletaikiart)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Michelle Taiki Art (@michelletaikiart)

Alright folks, buckle in, this is definitely one of my top three. Morally gray character as a romantic lead? Check. Undying devotion of his entire life to the rescue and care of the girl? Check. Literally earthquake-inducing sexual chemistry? Double check. After all this time? Always. (#TransLivesMatter)

* I like how he’s so prepared to meet her every need, even though her needs are so different from his own.

* Except for the railings overlooking the bottomless pit right outside the house…seriously, Kaleb?

* “He was the monster that stalked nightmare, and they both knew it.” And he’s still the romantic lead ❤️

* Should I feel bad that I raked Dev over the coals for falling for his prisoner, while Kaleb gets a free pass? No. I will never feel bad for telling Dev how terrible he is. And the situation is totally different (I keep telling myself).

* “Rebuild your shields and I’ll set you free.” It was a lie. He would never let her go. >What a romantic 😍

* “If she demanded vengeance, he’d turn the world bloodred.”

* “He would never use his mind to leash hers, but he would track her through rain, hail, fire itself. Never again was anyone, even Sahara herself, taking her from him.”

* I’m sorry, he has a significant mark on his left forearm, and you don’t want me to make the comparison that this is an AU Snape/Lily?

* “Sahara! I’ll come for you! Survive! Survive for me!” The echo of that primal promise had run in a continuous loop in her mind for the duration of her captivity.

* Wait, Santano was an anchor, and DarkRiver just executed him out of nowhere? And the Net was….stable?

* I don’t care for the “womb clenching” phrase. I mean, I get it, but “low in the belly” or something like that would get the point across without the birther associations, right?

* “Who owns it?” “You do.” He’d had it built according to specifications she’d outlined at fifteen, watched over it all the years of her captivity, using lethal force to repel anyone who meant it harm. “Welcome home.” 😍🥵🔥

* Almost immediately followed by: “Tell me you aren’t evil.” Please. Kaleb’s thumbs moved against her temples. “I’m sorry.”

* They were best friends for years and years. Omg, I love this story.

* Oh, the charms. Does it get more romantic? More heartbreakingly, tenderly, soul-clenchingly romantic???

* His interrogation of Tatiana is so ruthlessly cold. The fact he’s still kinda hot in this scene probably means something disturbing about me…

* “Even more so was the fact that her need for him had in no way been diminished by the darkness that encased him. It made her consider exactly how much she’d accept, how much she’d forgive, how far she’d walk into the abyss for this deadly Tk who had a claim on her so deep, reason had nothing to do with it.” But is seems Sahara and I have the same flaw, at least 😍

* Completely trashing a room due to a kiss is hot. The fact that every window *except the one she was leaning on* was broken is a very hot detail.

* He’s so broken, but he’s still able to let her go. Knows he can’t keep her caged. Ugh, the angst of it all! My inner angsty teenager is so happy right now.

* Aden and Vasic considering killing Kaleb if necessary gives chills. “Good guys” accepting the necessity of taking each other out is also sorts of deliciously gray.

* I was going to write this whole diatribe about how Kaleb saying “[sex] will only ever be with me” was ok because A) fantasy B) he’s hot C) don’t judge me, ok??? But then he points out that she’s the only person in the whole world that has the power to stop/kill him, and he even pretty much expects her to at some point because he knows what he is, and I’m gonna stop judging myself. Completely hot.

* “I offered him a quick death in exchange for the information,” Kaleb said, as if speaking of a business negotiation. “He kept his end of the bargain; I kept mine.” 😳

* Aww, he’s a little hurt she likes the aerie, because he thinks she maybe likes it better than the house he built for her.

* I like that the author uses the word “penis” for Kaleb and the Arrowsbut nobody else. It is exactly the word they would use, not “cock” or “member” or whatever. Great word choice.

* “No one but Sahara had ever cared enough about him to worry.”

* Just casually dropping in the bullet train that crushed Annie 😊. Another, what, three books for her to figure it out?

* “You’re mine.” Simple, quiet words that were a punch to the chest. “I will fight for you, today, tomorrow, and all the tomorrows to come.” - Sahara. Now it’s her turn to fight for him ❤️

* “Are you awake?” “Yes. What do you need?” “For you not to kill someone.” Ha!

* “Would you have attempted to execute me if I’d answered otherwise?” “Yes,” came the brutal answer. “It would’ve destroyed a piece of me to end your life, but I would’ve done it.” I❤️Judd

* “I will fight you endlessly if I think you’re wrong,” she said, taking his lips in a passionate, possessive kiss, “but I will never judge you.”

* Have I mentioned I love Judd/Ghost? Let me do it again anyway.

* “Her intelligence had always been one of the most attractive things about her.” Yeah, that’s hot.

* “He didn’t know what else to do, how to comfort her, so he simply held her, held the only person in the world who had ever cried for him.” 😭

* “Kaleb had begged Enrique not to touch her, the only time in his life he had ever begged. He’d been willing to give up the final ragged shreds of his soul if that was what it took, but Enrique had other plans.” This is giving all sorts of Snape and pleasing my inner teenager! (#TransLivesMatter)

* Oh, he remembered the whole incident wrongly, blamed himself for all these years!!!! So tragic 😭😭

* Emotionally charged pleas that are misinterpreted by those around them? I can’t stop making comparisons. Please don’t judge me too harshly. (“Stop. Don’t.” “Severus, please.”) my angsty inner teen is just frollicking in the pain of fictional characters.

* It’s alright, Kaleb.” 😭😭😭

* “I love you.” - Kaleb “I know.” -Sahara

* Sex on the patio floor in the middle of a thunderstorm. They do not do anything halfway.

* And now he’s passing off the angsty romance baton to the Arrows and I am *here for it.*

Oh yeah, this was such a pleasure to gobble down I have a hard copy of my very own. Cause I plan to actually deface a book to mark my favorite lines and passages. It has burrowed in my braid. I am a Kaleb/Sahara fan.

Number of showers: Kaleb is very clean

Kaleb: 8

Sahara: 5

Rating: nine out of five very long cold showers in which my inner angsty teen runs up the water bill in order to wallow in happy angstiness

[sbbreflections]

LEVITICUS

3. Leviticus

The Lord, through Moses, further solidifies His relationship and covenant with the Israelites, and outlines His list of non-negotiable rules - along with blessings for those who obey, and punishments for those who would disobey Him. It is a call to Holy Living through choice and action.

This is the book where proper practices for making Holy Sacrifices and Offerings to God are detailed. A major thing of note that casts a sort of shadow on Leviticus is the “Sin Offering” which at the time needed to be done on occasion of specified sin as well as on a yearly ritualistic basis to cleanse the people. If I understand correctly, this particular offering practice would become obsolete when Jesus was crucified and died for our sins.*

Also defined are:

1. Clean and Unclean Animals (which should and should not be eaten/touched),

2. Particular Purification Rituals,

3. Prohibitions regarding Sexual Practices and the handling of Blood, and

4. Personal Holiness/Conduct (how one sets themselves apart as “holy” and in reverence to The Most High) {Leviticus 19}

Some of the ordinances set in this chapter had not been mentioned previously and that means to me that God was capable of not only creation and destruction, but also of awareness and modification. It’s almost as if he utilized the SWOT analysis after each Human Hiccup. I believe that the Lord set these laws with the Israelites as a continued test of faith and loyalty to Him. “Before we go any further, hear me and hear me well.” I mean, yes He would want to see his children prosper, but He didn’t mind executing with fury, as well. If His people could rebuke the sins of those who they lived with before, and refuse the sins of those who they would come into contact with BECAUSE GOD SAID, they would of course find favor in His eyes.

Think in Morgan Freeman’s epic voice: “I have saved these {people} and given them food, water and protection. Still, they are capable of doing what they want because I have also given them free-will. I give them what they need, and still, they consistently find new ways to defy me - even after I tell them what should not be done and what will happen if they do… when I show them my Glory, they fear me awhile and turn back to their wits soon enough. They are either brave or stupid. But at least if I tell them *everything* they need to know not to do, their punishments (or rewards) would be justified. They will worship me, for I am the Lord their God, or they will perish.”

I’m not mocking The Lord at all, I assure you. I like movies and this is how I imagined he may have felt during the times. I do pray this is not offensive to anyone who matters.

I can fully understand how this chapter (the one that basically calls most of us all Sinners) could be a trigger for most people in the world today - it is where [who we are] and [what we do] that would have undeniably disappointed our Father in Heaven is written plainly and lives forever. It is where our devilish neighbors pull a line from to demonize the next sinner. While some of the information is outdated and/or simply irrelevant for modern day Christians*, other parts do give us a first glance at right and wrong in the eyes of TMH (and those who walk with Him). And so, it is a very important book to familiarize yourself with if you want to be “good” in the general sense of the word. Because of Jesus’ crucification, we experience wrath and reward much differently from what is written here - as in, punishments are not carried out the same as they were anymore, and some of these regulations no longer apply.

Be wise. Use discernment.

Numbers is next.

Originally post dated February 21, 2024.

Written x SP

[norinenglish]

If I may- what did you do in planning for The Canary of the Black Mines? Because I always end up planning out fics and then never execute on the plan I’ve set out for myself. I hope you have a nice day!

Well, I've had a few methods over the years. For this fic (and all my ranchers/traffic fics) I work mostly online. I started with a word document where I put my notes. The notes are constantly evolving. At first, it was just a basic outline. I mentioned in a previous post that The Canary of the Black Mines was supposed to be 3 chapters long, so I had the main event of those three parts.

It is very important that you have your starting point and also the end in mind. Having an interesting premise is easy, but moving on from there is difficult. Where do you want to take this story? For that, what do your characters need to go through, to accomplish or how do they need to evolve? If you have your goal in mind, then it's easier to continue writing.

I usually like to have everything written before posting, but this time I've decided to post the beginning of it (to celebrate DO2 opening.) I had a few things written in advance to not have to stare at a blank page, but I also fed on the feedback I got from the readers. Having a base, as thin as it can be, is priceless to avoid writer's block.

Every time I envisioned a scene I thought was cool, I put it in the notes, trying to put them in order of when I wanted the moments to happen. It's very important! If you don't write it out somewhere then you're going to forget and then be frustrated you cannot find what that wonderful idea was. But also, don't hesitate to delete and/or change things you had planned. (I had scenes with different hermits coming to work on DO2, with Scar visiting and False building the portal. False didn't end up appearing in the story, but Grian did! I did not plan for Grian. In fact, he was only supposed to come into play in the next chapter! But he imposed himself earlier by the force of the narrative - I think for the better.)

I work on a platform I can access from my phone too, even if I prefer to write on my computer. That way, if I'm inspired when I'm not at home, I can note it down and come back to it later. If I feel stuck, I force myself to write basic ideas while commuting for example. Anything to make any progress.

Lastly, I think it's important that you want to read your story. If you are curious about what is going to happen, you are going to read it. You are your first reader! And god knows you're gonna have to read and re-read your work to make it great, so you might as well enjoy it! Don't write things you're not interested in.If you need, get help. An outside opinion. IRL or from online ppl. It helped me greatly!

That was a very interesting question, thank you for asking it. Hope that helps you! (Also, I did have a nice day. Your question made me smile and consider. Hope my answer does the same :D)

[femonologue]

Two things I'd like to add:

First, a lot of folks apparently need to read The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas, by Ursula K. Le Guin. It's a pivotal work of dystopian fiction, one whose themes are so closely mirrored by TLOU's season finale that I would be honestly surprised if at least one writer involved (in either the show or the game) hadn't read it and been profoundly affected by it. In this context, TLOU approaches Omelas from a different standpoint - rather than learning and being expected to accept the awful source of Omelas' prosperity, Joel is asked to help build it, and he delivers the most definitive refusal of which he is capable: he lashes out to destroy its builders. He is not bound by the helplessness of the eponymous Ones Who Walk Away. He isn't paralyzed by a choice between cruelties and driven into exile by his guilt over being unable to resolve both; there is no Omelas to walk away from. Instead, he is confronted with a cruel bargain which he fundamentally cannot accept.

Which brings me to the second thing I'd like to zero in on: Joel did that - had no choice but to do that - because Ellie's his daughter. He might not have stated it explicitly, but in the finale and the episodes prior, the show very carefully and thoroughly establishes, through context and behaviour, that this man has straight-up adopted Ellie. He loves her. It is frankly ridiculous to expect that any loving parent, in any context, could be expected to voluntarily sacrifice their own child the way he is asked to - especially when the cited "greater good" looks so much like a desperate grasping at straws, as my husband outlines above.

People are looking at the finale from the wrong perspective. It's not about the choice Joel made. The notion of "choice" barely even enters the equation for him. He is, or at least has already committed himself to becoming, Ellie's dad. He's also so notoriously good at killing people - and so hard to kill, himself - that even Marlene, a hardened veteran of revolutionary warfare, sometimes appears a little afraid of him. But when he appears to finally accept her decision, she thinks the matter's resolved and sends him off unsupervised apart from the whopping two (2) armed guards tasked with walking him to the highway. She knows that he is capable of killing these men. And he, placed in that situation, can (and frankly should) be expected do just that. He's Ellie's dad. He's not going to sit idly by while his kid, who he loves and has chosen to live for, is calmly executed. That's why he shoots the doctor - it would be incredible if he didn't. He is holding a gun, and this is the man who intends to massacre his daughter. To Joel, it's simple arithmetic. He's killed better people for worse reasons. It's exactly the same with Marlene. He's right to conclude that she'll come after Ellie. She just explained to him why that's the case.

Things play out the way they do not because Joel chooses violence against the Fireflies, but because the Fireflies choose violence against Ellie, who Joel feels compelled to protect. Marlene doesn't have the full context. She thinks Ellie is just a job to Joel. She doesn't realize how invested he is.

The lie at the end is a different issue - a complex one, with many valid perspectives to consider - but what happens with the Fireflies is straightforward. Accepting Marlene's deal is mutually exclusive with being Ellie's father, and being Ellie's father is already a cornerstone of Joel's identity. A huge chunk of the episode is dedicated to showcasing how radically he's begun to change, as a means of thoroughly establishing that this dude sincerely loves the foul-mouthed runaway child soldier that he's adopted. And then Marlene unwittingly tells him that she's going to kill his daughter before leaving him, an infamously skilled gunfight-winner, nearly unsupervised in a hospital full of loaded guns.

In the lead-up to the climax, Ellie is plainly terrified and putting on a brave face; she knows she's going to be experimented on, and she's smart enough to recognize that this might not end well for her. Marlene, too, makes a difficult choice; the safest move would be to simply kill Joel, since he's notoriously dangerous and the Fireflies no longer need him. But Marlene attempts to honour their agreement, to the extent that she's able, because she thinks she's dealing with the mercenary Joel that she knows - she doesn't realize that she's looking a father in the eye and asking for permission to kill his kid. Joel simply assesses the situation, recognizes that he is capable of potentially saving Ellie, and does it. It's that or giving up on life and his reason for living it, and this very episode dedicates a scene to establishing that he's tried to do that before and can't.

The finale doesn't hinge on Joel making a choice. It's structured around him not having one.

TLOU finale thoughts: Seeing a lot of people arguing about whether Joel made the right decision, or that it is indesputable that he made the wrong decision, and listen, listen...

I have not played the game, I haven't had a PS since the PS2 and my computer can't handle modern games. That's fine. I'm just saying that I don't know how the game presents it, but the show did a fairly good job of convincing me specifically that there's never going to be a cure for this.

In the very first episode, a foremost expert in this field is offered literally any resource by her government to work towards a vaccine, and what does she tell them? You can't make one, that's not how cordyceps and how we interact with them (or aren't supposed to be able to interact with them) works. And when she is offered all the resources they can offer, she opts to go home and spend however long she has left with her family. The episode really fucking sold me on this point.

Fast forward, and we have Dr. NoHypocraticOath lying to a child so he can give her brain surgery that will kill her on purpose. Is he the foremost expert on this shit in North America? Well I don't fucking know--if he had a name I don't recall anyone saying it. Didn't get to see much of his face, but he didn't look Joel's age. It's been 20 years since the apocalypse, does he even have a medical degree? Did he make one up? Did he read some books and decide that he was an expert/had a degree? And even if he does have a medical degree, what does he know that that FOREMOST EXPERT IN EPISODE ONE DID NOT, EVEN WITH UNLIMITED RESOURCES OFFERED?

And let's be real, since we are talking about resources. Expert in episode one was like...the amount is NONE. NONE resources will be required because we are literally all going to die, you can't make a vaccine for this shit. Would she have changed her tune if Ellie had been alive then and available? I'm not sure the answer is yes!

But Dr. Childmurder is like yeaaah I think we can pull this off in this extremely unsanitary operating room in this burnt out pediatrics ward using equipment that may not even run properly because anyone who knew how to service it is probably dead. DOUBT!

Now, I guess you can argue that Joel doesn't know about that lady in episode one. He was on the other side of the world and never met her, probably wouldn't have even seen her on TV because she was spending her last moments with family. He's running on limited info, you could say, and I suppose you could argue that because he doesn't know this, he's in the wrong because for all he knows, maybe Dr. Stabbington McBraintheif had the right idea! He should have believe Marlene when she said it was for the best!

And to that I say...again, no. Joel's maybe not a rocket scientist, but he is a survivor before anything else. Even if he wasn't emotionally compromised and his ability to not crumble wasn't all in on Keeping This One Kid Alive, he's been built up to be competent enough to sniff out shoddy reasoning, bullshit and decisions made out of desperation rather than sense. If I can look at this shitty hospital and these garbo conditions and these desperate people who have elected not to inform someone volunteering to help that they've decided to just kill her and hope this works and think that that's super fucking suspicious, then Joel can too, and should have, and did.

Do I agree that lying to Ellie was the best way to cap that off? No. Their entire relationship has been based off of being truthful even when the truth was mean, and being real and him not treating her like an actual child. Whatever's going to happen in season 2 is probably going to be super fucked up, it's probably going to hinge on that lie, and it probably could have been completely avoided if Joel had just said, "I woke up and Marlene wouldn't take me to you. She proceeded to tell me that she'd tricked you into thinking you were having some tests done, but that they were literally just going to kill you. Maybe you would have wanted that, if they'd asked you! But that was the biggest fucking red flag, and there were A Lot of red flags, from the Doctor willing to just flat out murder you looking not old enough to have gotten his pediatric brian surgery degree before colleges stopped being a thing to the shoddy equipment to the fact that they literally tried to bribe me and when I was like absofuckinlutely not, she started to march me out to the highway and told them to shoot me if I at all deviated from that path. Isn't that completely fucked up?" Because even if Ellie was mad about that, she has generally respected Joel's opinions on people and things and probably would have forgiven him eventually for killing them.

But yeah--maybe it's different in the game and for all I know someone does manage to synthesize a vaccine form Ellie's brain at the end of the second one. But the show? Has made it pretty clear that Marlene's cure was a last ditch attempt to find a cure and there was zero guarantee it went anywhere. I see a lot of people addressing this like the cure would have definitely been able to be made, but there was like...zero evidence to suggest that this wouldn't have just been a total waste that also killed a beloved child, and making the call Joel did was objectively the right decision based on the info he had at the time, and based on literally everything else the plot has told us about cordyceps for the entire season.

If you were for some reason convinced that the cure had even a tiny chance of being synthesized form this, you're welcome to explain it to me. I just can't see it!

[legobiwan]

Whumptober #5

“on the run”

Notes: Yes, I’m a day behind, I’m hoping to post a second story tonight but let’s see where life goes. This story...I started out with an idea, and then that idea went in a very different direction as I started writing. RotS AU.

General Whumptober tag

Whumptober 2020 #1

Whumptober 2020 #2

Whumptober 2020 #3

Whumptober 2020 #4

~~~~~~

If you were here, Qui-gon…

Right. If you were here you’d probably shackle me up - wrists tightly enclosed in Force-dampening binders, restraining collar around my neck. Your harsh words would be an invisible whip against my true skin, your touch too soft for a monster such as I, pleading almost, far too kind than what I deserve for my crimes.

You would do all this, Qui-gon, your eyes dark with disappointment, letting no other man or soldier or droid handle me except yourself. Your failure of a Padawan trussed up like a common criminal (common? Perhaps not.), signed, sealed, and delivered personally back to Coruscant for my trial and probable execution.

And you would be right to do so, Qui-gon. So, so right. Force, part of me wishes you could swoop down right now, take me in your arms, the last friendly touch I would ever know before you placed my body on the electroguillotine’s platform to the cheers of the Senate, to the stony facades of the Jedi Council. One last bit of kindness, your hand on my cheek, before the killing blade would deliver me from my sins, before this would all just be over.

After all, it’s not every day a member of the Jedi High Council assassinates the Chancellor of the Republic on live holofeed.

Their faces Qui-gon, the way the Force shifted like two ancient, tectonic masses, colliding as Palaptine - or should I say Sidious - fell from his lofty perch, body plunging, down, down, down until it hit the subterranean floor of the Senate chamber with a sickening, exhilarating thud.

The similarities to my subterfuge as Rako Hardeen were not unmarked, believe me, Qui-gon. Palpatine, however, unlike myself, continues to be dead, two neat holes placed through the side of his treacherous head.

I feel, perhaps, that I have forsaken myself.

But you weren’t there, Master, you didn’t watch through thin slits of wavering consciousness, of azure and crimson rainbows, of the sneaking tar of decay that oozed forth from the man who would lead - would conquer - the Republic and the Jedi. You weren’t there as your Padawan - your friend and brother, the boy you so cared for (more than myself, I can now admit). As Anakin brought the two blades together at Dooku’s neck, executioner of a death sentence signed in familiar large, looping letters - “Sheev Palpatine, Chancellor of the Republic.”

It was him, Qui-gon. The Sith Lord was right there, the entire time, one hand on Anakin’s shoulder, leading him to perdition.

And I did nothing to stop it.

Nothing, until now.

Perhaps if I had been the one to perish on Naboo…perhaps none of this would have ever happened. But that is another world lost to another time, and the ‘here and now,’ as you would say, consists of a cold storage closet in the rear of a Rodian smuggler’s ship.

Three days I’ve been cramped in this space, my passage paid with the frozen Twi’lek guard lying at my feet, legs bent at unnatural, backward angles, the trickle of blood dripping from their nose now an ugly, improvised tattoo.

It’s cold, Qui-gon. A blessing, in some ways, as my departed friend here is unlikely to suffer the worst effects of putrefaction, but I feel even if I were to be on the sunny beaches of Scarif, I would still shiver at my own conscience.

I am tired, Qui-gon.

~~~

You visited me in my dreams last night, Qui-gon.

Neither the avenging angel of death nor the soft shepherd of comfort, you stood, distant, enigmatic as a Loth-Sphinx, as distant and maddening as you had been in life.

I suppose this should have come as no surprise.

Why? You asked me.

Why what, Qui-gon? Why did I kill Palpatine, why did I run, why did I make a fool’s promise to you all those years ago?

As to the last question, I believe - well, perhaps not believe, but fervently hope - you know the answer already.

To answer the others - what choice did I have? To witness what I had, to know Anakin was in thrall to this…this thing, that I would never convince him of Palpatine’s true intentions, that I had lost any trust, any esteem he may have still had for me with my own betrayals -

It was all happening too fast, Qui-gon. The situation on Mandalore, the battle on Coruscant, Dooku’s death. I briefly confided in Bail Organa, the Senator from Alderaan, hinted at my actions in regards to the Mandalore situation, on the way to Coruscant. He told me in no uncertain terms that the Senate would be forced to bring down charges of insurrection, even possibly treason, once they learned of my manipulations of the GAR.

What was one more charge, on top of the others, I thought.

It…it’s better this way, Qui-gon. The Jedi, while still under suspicion, have an obvious and convenient scapegoat, a Council member gone rogue, the underground actor fanning the flames of rumors of a coup. Anakin, while unstable, is at least now out of his orbit. Whether he stays in the Order or leaves, I cannot say, but I hope for his sake - and his unborn child’s - he leaves.

Don’t you see, Qui-gon? The only one who must suffer here is me and I will do so gladly.

Ah, but why not turn myself in, you ask. The deed is done, why run from my actions?

The Twi’lek’s crimson lividity has given way to a more pale ochre, abdomen swollen and nauseated. While the cold has stalled this inevitable process, I must confess to being a bit wary of my companion’s stability.

One more night, and we shall reach Mandalore.

I remain here, discomfited bunkmate to the dead, while Cody and his men span the galaxy, hunting for the wayward Jedi - the turncoat, the traitor, the aruetii…

But you see, Qui-gon, as the galaxy turns its eye on me, it distances its gaze from the Order, from the Council’s machinations.

If I had not acted, someone else would have - with far more dire consequences, I fear.

We spoke of it, you know. Taking over the government, stripping Palpatine of his power (and how laughable a notion that is, to strip a Sith Lord of their edged fury. Impossible to achieve without bloodshed.) It’s not that we wanted to usurp the government - even within the Council itself, there was strong dissent to even considering this notion.

Mace would have gladly fallen on his lightsaber to see justice served. As would Kit. And Plo. And possibly Master Yoda.

But their souls were clean.

Mine, on the other hand…

It’s late Qui-gon, and I fear tomorrow will be an unpleasant day.

~~~

You once said, Qui-gon, that upon finding a confluence of paths, there is no correct direction, that, in the end, there was only a decision, and the consequences thereof.

I find myself in such a place.

It seems the news of my actions reached Mandalore before I did, the civil war now at an uneasy pause, Maul neutered (and what does that say about me, that I could not achieve this victory when Ahsoka could? Perhaps I am too close, too near that fault line to act as she could.)

But they do not know, Qui-gon, what I do. Ahsoka may look on in muted fury, Rex dipping his head as he comms Cody, his only words a soft we have him, Bo-Katan radiant with indignation - why could you have not done this before?

Before we both lost her, before Satine’s legacy was burnt to the ground, before it came to this.

They wrap me in cords and shackles and the best Jedi restraints Mandalore has to offer, dumping me in the same containment cell as him, who takes one look at my sorry state, who knows what sins are written on my soul.

Maul throws back his head, and cackles, the sound of a hundred broken mirrors.

They only have one, he says.

He doesn’t need to explain further.

The Mandalorian sarcophagus. We both saw it, that first time on Mandalore, Satine’s cheeks turning pink, then red, as she explained the true purpose of the monstrous devices.

We would never use them now, she said. There’s no need.

We can only hope, you answered.

And now, it is a question of who is the greater monster - the being born of blood and violence, or the one who accepted it into his heart.

He would have been his new apprentice, Maul drawls, with a sick smile.

I know, I answer. I do know, don’t I? Knew this entire time and yet could do nothing to stop it - until now.

Will you accept your fate, Kenobi? Be hauled back to Coruscant in chains, your allies grinning as your head falls from the blade?

I should. Damnit, I should, Qui-gon! I am a Jedi, I do not fear death, for there is only the Force.

And yet…

~~~

We are leaving, Qui-gon, Maul and I. To what end, I cannot say. Do not fear for me, Master of mine. I am long corrupted, past redemption in this life and can only hope to use my darkness for an ultimate good.

There is much to be done.

May I feel your soft hand on my cheek one more time, Qui-gon, if only in my dreams.

Please forgive me.

I am sorry.

Yours in this life and the next,

Obi-wan Kenobi.

[songofclarity]

when you said "[Huaisang] took taking down jgy so seriously and so professionally; he has no cheering moment or hail of victory" I was reminded of another post I saw about the moment at the beginning of NMJ's Empathy flashback where the disciples are celebrating the victory over the puppets but NMJ only looks grim. It's something the Nie bros have in common: both consider violence and killing to be necessary and justified— but it's a grim duty, to be undertaken with seriousness, not satisfaction

Yes, that comparison is exactly it, Anon! I do appreciate how CQL ensured Nie MingJue was all business during his fights. Even at the banquet when the Sunshot Campaign was over and done with, his group arrived late (‘Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come’) and he looked miserable. Not even an official victory party could put a smile on his face, much less encourage him to celebrate three years of hard work!

I would hesitate, however, before accusing the Nie brothers of finding violence and/or killing as necessary. Those are just tools in the tool box and they could be taken out as needed but they weren’t always needed, much less required. We see time and time again how the Nie brothers pick non-violent options when violence and murder would make their lives so much easier. And this choice between violence and non-violence is important. This is the choice that separates them both from Jin GuangYao. Because when it comes down to it, what was the point of having fought against the Wen Sect if they were all just to become violent and murderous themselves?

For convenience, I have outlined Nie MingJue’s 5 year plan here:

Fight a war against a violent sect

Win even if it might cost him his own life

Go home and live in peace

Nie MingJue stayed his hand from murder not once, not twice, but three times when confronted directly with a cold-blooded murderer. He picked suffering Meng Yao/Jin GuangYao to live over easily justifiable back-alley execution. He banged on the doors of Koi Tower demanding Xue Yang be turned over to him, but never used violence to take matters into his own hands, not even when he held Baxia at Xue Yang’s throat and could have ended the discussion right then and there.

The only people Nie MingJue ever killed were nameless cultivators on the battlefield; nameless cultivators when he was being held prisoner in the Sun Palace; and Wen Xu, a declared enemy met on the battlefield. There is no evidence or accusations that he ever killed anyone after the Sunshot Campaign, not at the Burial Mounds and not when he had his qi deviation.

Nie HuaiSang, for his part, could have just stabbed Jin GuangYao in the chest when he was crying on him and be done with it. Violence is easy. Murder is easy.

For the Nie brothers, violence was never necessary, but justice was. And there is no justice if you just become the beast you fought to defeat, so rules and morals must be taken into account.

Nie MingJue decided, on his own, to send Meng Yao back to his father to face justice after the murder of the Jin disciple. Nie HuaiSang worked to expose Jin GuangYao’s crimes and let the world decide on their own whether or not Jin GuangYao’s crimes deserved punishment.

Nie MingJue followed the rules. He played fair. He asked for permission. He talked in private. He made his demands. He was aggressive, but he never killed to get his way. How easy it would have been if he killed to get his way like Jin GuangYao did! But he didn’t. Nie MingJue was good. Nie MingJue died.

Nie HuaiSang picked up where Nie MingJue left off. The letter to Qin Su was just a letter to Qin Su revealing some of Jin GuangYao’s crimes. Jin GuangYao got away with murdering the Jin disciple all those years ago, and now he’s going to get away with direct involvement in the murder of his own child? Or baby-trapping and then marrying his own sister? No, no he is not. And he’s absolutely not getting away with Nie MingJue’s murder or dismemberment.

Nie HuaiSang still never picked violence. He never picked murder. He never told people what to do or how to do it, and he certainly never held a weapon in his hand. That’s the beauty of his revenge.

As the saying goes: the pen is mightier than the sword. He picked letting the information speak for itself and giving other people the option to use violence, but that was never their only option. Sadly, no revenge plan, no matter one taken as seriously as this one, is foolproof when other people are involved. Qin Su and the letter were discovered by Jin GuangYao, who then blackmailed her, imprisoned her, and then pushed her to suicide. This shows the depth of Jin GuangYao’s cruelty. Jin GuangYao reacting in violence is a Jin GuangYao problem.

As another saying goes: do not shoot the messenger. We already saw how the Jin Sect protected and absolved Xue Yang of his well-documented mass murder. Nie HuaiSang would have heard about how Jin GuangYao, Jiang Cheng, and Lan XiChen were all OK with the Jin protecting Xue Yang while Nie MingJue and popular rogue cultivator Xiao XingChen were very much not. In order to make Jin GuangYao face justice, the one choice Nie HuaiSang never had was to stand up and speak out and expose Jin GuangYao’s crimes. Xiao XingChen tried that with Xue Yang and it got him a fate worse than death. Nie MingJue tried to stand up to the Jin Sect and it got him betrayed and his death to look like an unfortunate event, not even a murder. So instead, Nie HuaiSang got the information out there as secretly as possible and let everyone else decide on what to do with it.

And thankfully everyone agreed with him that Jin GuangYao was trash. No violence was needed to help them see the light. Jin GuangYao made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.

Violence is only a Nie brother final resort when justice is about to be evaded. Nie MingJue is so horrified after the Sun Palace that he’s willing to kill Meng Yao and then himself over the murder of his subordinates. Meng Yao uses the “I saved your life” get-out-of-jail free card, which not only threatens to hold Nie MingJue hostage to a life debt but also means at least two cultivators where killed to save Nie MingJue’s one life. That’s terrible math! Where is the justice in this?? But in case he is in the wrong, Nie MingJue agrees to kill himself too, so justice WILL be served one way or another before Meng Yao runs away again.

Violence and murder are indeed grim tools for a serious duty and they need to be handled respectfully and with resolve! Note how Nie HuaiSang at no point lies and says, “I had no choice.” It was his choice to send the letters, it was his choice to put himself in danger at the Second Burial Mounds Siege and at Guanyin Temple, and it was his choice to save Sisi from her unlawful imprisonment and let her speak on her own behalf. This boy had choices, choices other than violence and murder, and he never victimized himself by claiming otherwise. He never pleaded innocence or passed the blame. He simply dodged the discussion entirely, but the ending shows he knows what he did and why.

Nie HuaiSang, "Wei-xiong, why do you keep on asking me? No matter how much you ask, I don't know anything." With a pause, he continued, "But..." Slowly, Nie HuaiSang brushed together his storm-drenched hair. "I think that if this person hates Jin GuangYao so much, they'd probably be entirely merciless towards something he cherishes more than his life." (Ch. 109, ERS)

Nie HuaiSang has so much conviction that his cavalier attitude after Jin GuangYao's death is so cold that if anyone touched him they would probably be burned. When Nie HuaiSang lies, he says, “I don’t know.” He knows the importance of information and he’s not about to expose himself for having any that might get him killed. Nie HuaiSang’s fight was different than Nie MingJue’s in tone and shape, but Nie HuaiSang kept the same agenda and, frankly, played by the same rules as his Nie MingJue.

Some rules Nie MingJue lives by:

Outside input is important

Don't kill people for the rewards

Have conviction in your choices

Jin GuangYao was in the process of fleeing justice at Guanyin Temple just like he fled justice at Langya. Jin GuangYao laid a trap for Nie MIngJue at Langya and there was no doubt going to be a trap at Guanyin Temple--so Nie HuaiSang sprung one on him first.

“Brother XiChen, behind you!!!” (Ch. 108, ERS)

And the choice to stab Jin GuangYao was Lan XiChen’s, not Nie HuaiSang’s, although Nie HuaiSang was determined to see justice prevail and that treacherous Third Brother brought down.

Of interest, Nie HuaiSang’s ten year agenda:

Expose Jin GuangYao’s violent crimes

Win even if it might cost him his own life

Go home and live in peace

Violence and murder were never on the agenda. They aren’t necessary. They were never necessary. The tragedy is thinking that they might be, and that’s Jin GuangYao’s tragedy, not the Nie brothers. Nie MingJue’s behavior shows a man who thought if he fought hard enough, pushed hard enough, allowed redemption arcs to a murderer, tried to work with people who didn’t want to work with him, peace might find a way.

Violence was only needed because Jin GuangYao could not be stopped in any other way. He burned the brothel down with all the women inside it to hide his past and he tried to massacre the whole cultivation world to hide his crimes. Considering the amount of death the Nie brothers have faced, from family dead from qi deviations to piles of bodies on the battlefield to allies killed to save their lives, I dare say the Nie brothers had a respectful relationship with violence and murder because they wanted to escape the cycle the most.

[no-reply95]

Jealous Guys

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while now is the different ways jealousy manifested for John and Paul over the course of their friendship.

I’m going to look at John and Paul in turn and have a look at some of the key ways jealousy appeared, before, during and after the Beatles period. This will be a looooong post so if you want to go on deep dive keep reading below.

John

Jealousy was something that John acknowledged as a big part of his personality, as far as I’m aware, he only acknowledged his jealousy publicly in terms of his relationship with Yoko but I believe jealousy was a feature of all of John’s major relationships. John’s first real partnership was with Pete Shotton, his childhood best friend, and Pete has outlined how John’s jealousy and possessiveness was a feature in their friendship with them falling out when Pete first started showing interest in girls and with John acting out when Pete started to spend more time with other friends, instead of him, here Pete recounts John’s reflection on this period of their friendship:

“Years later John confessed to having felt acutely jealous throughout that interlude: “I was scared shitless I’d lost you after our fight in science class, when you starting playing with David Jones. I really thought I’d gone too far with you that time.“

Pete Shotton, John Lennon: In My Life , 1983

Pete’s recollections establish a pattern in John’s life of acting out due to a fear of abandonment and losing those who are closest to him so it’s not surprising that once John had formed a strong bond with Paul that would stir similar fears in him. 

Below I’ve categorised the groups of people that were the focus of John’s jealousy and have picked one person from each group as an example:

Family - Jim McCartney

Paul’s family was and continues to be a big part of his life. From the outset of their friendship, John was made aware of how important Jim was to Paul and vice versa. John and Paul had to skip school to hang out together because Jim wouldn’t have John in their house initially and John confessed his resentment of Jim’s influence over Paul’s life. It appears that after some time John grew tired of having to contend with Jim for the position of the most important person in Paul’s life, and this culminated in John giving Paul a pseudo ultimatum as John discussed in 1971:

“But Paul would always give in to his dad. His dad told him to get a job, he fucking dropped the group and started working on the fucking lorries, saying, "I need a steady career." We couldn't believe it… “So I told him on the phone, "Either come or you're out." So he had to make a decision between me and his dad then, and in the end he chose me”

St. Regis Hotel interview, Sept. 5, 1971

Friends - Mal Evans

Throughout the active years of the band it was typical of them to refer to each other as their best friends and, given the lives they led, I think the simple fact that no one else could understand what it was like to be a Beatle would have meant they all shared a special bond. However, they all had friendships outside of the band and this was something that could cause issues for John when it came to Paul.

According to Tune In, Mal initially became friends with Paul during the band's initial shows at the Cavern Club then, after a suggestion from George, Mal became a part of the Beatles entourage thereafter. Mal had friendships with all the Beatles, as part of their inner circle, but from his comments it appears John took umbrage with the closeness of Mal’s friendship with Paul:

“Paul would suddenly come in with this circle saying, “This is Magical Mystery Tour, will you write that bit?” And I was choked that he’d arranged it all with Mal anyway, for a kickoff, and had all this idea going”

St. Regis Hotel interview, Sept. 5, 1971

Mal also comes up when John discusses his recollections of the writing of Eleanor Rigby:

“So rather than ask me, “John, do these lyrics—” Because by that period, he didn’t want to say that – to me. Okay? So what he would say was, “Hey, you guys, finish off the lyrics,”... “ Now, I sat there with Mal Evans, a road manager who was a telephone installer, and Neil Aspinall, who was a not-completed student accountant who became our road manager. And I was insulted and hurt that he’d thrown it out in the air”...” There might be a version that they contributed, but there isn’t a line in there that they put in.“

Playboy interview, David Sheff 1980

John’s discomfort with the closeness of Paul’s relationship with Mal was something that wasn’t lost on Mal’s wife Lil:

“He was always at their beck and call. He was a nice fella to have around, so much so that it could provoke little jealousies within the band. When I met Yoko years after Mal died, she said John had told her he’d been very jealous at one point of Mal’s relationship with Paul.”

Lil Evans interview with Ray Connolly, 2005

Love interests - Linda McCartney

Throughout their friendship both John and Paul had quite a few love interests, which (to varying degrees) prompted jealousy between them.

Although John displayed jealousy of a few of Paul’s love interests this was no more apparent than with Paul’s first wife Linda McCartney, which is confirmed by both John’s words and actions regarding Linda and her partnership with Paul:

“"Then Klein informed Lennon that McCartney had secretly been increasing his stake in Northern Songs. ‘John flew into a rage,’ recalled Apple executive Peter Brown. ‘At one point I thought he was really going to hit Paul, but he managed to calm himself down.’ One unconfirmed report of this meeting had Lennon leaping towards Linda McCartney, his fists raised in her face"

Peter Doggett, You Never Give Me Your Money

"Int: When did you first meet her [Linda]? John: The first time I saw her was after that press conference to announce Apple in America. We were just going back to the airport and she was in the car with us. I didn't think she was particularly attractive, I wondered what he was bothering having her in the car for. A bit too tweedy, you know. But she sat in the car and took photographs and that was it. And the next minute she's married him."

St. Regis Hotel interview, Sept. 5, 1971

“I was reading your letter and wondering what middle aged cranky Beatle fan wrote it... "What the hell—it’s Linda! . . . Linda— if you don’t care what I say—shut up!—let Paul write—or whatever.”

"Of course, the money angle is important—to all of us—especially after all the petty shit that came from your insane family/in laws—and GOD HELP YOU OUT, PAUL—see you in two years—I reckon you’ll be out then"

Draft letter from John Lennon to Linda McCartney, circa 1971

"The presumption is a) the Beatles would get together again or are even thinking about it and b) if they got together, John and Yoko split, Paul and Linda split"

John (with Yoko) talks to John Fielding on Weekend World, 1973

"John often speculated on why Paul and Linda remained married while, at the same time, resenting their evident happiness, to the extent that he had Green do a tarot reading to ensure him that Paul and Linda were really secretly miserable and were going to divorce within a year"

According to Fred Seaman and John Green, source

Paul

Of course jealousy wasn't a one-way street in the Lennon-McCartney relationship. Unlike with John, for Paul I'm focusing more on the key people I believe his jealousy, regarding John, was directed to:

Stuart Sutcliffe

John met Stu at Art College and struck up a really close friendship with him. At the point that John met Stu, John had already become friends with Paul so Paul felt threatened when Stu entered the picture:

"When he [Stu] came into the band, around Christmas of 1959, we were a little jealous of him; it was something I didn’t deal with very well. We were always slightly jealous of John’s other friendships.

When Stuart came in, it felt as if he was taking the position away from George and me. We had to take a bit of a back seat."

Paul McCartney, Anthology 2000

"Paul was saying something about Stu’s girl – he was jealous because she was a great girl, and Stu hit him, on stage. And Stu wasn’t a violent guy at all."

John Lennon, 1967 Anthology 2000

"I looked up to Stu. I depended on him to tell me the truth. Stu would tell me if something was good and I’d believe him. We were awful to him sometimes. Especially Paul, always picking on him. I used to explain afterwards that we didn’t dislike him, really."

John Lennon, The Beatles Hunter Davies 1968

Yoko Ono

Of all the relationships I've already discussed, the relationship and jealousy displayed from Paul towards Yoko is probably the most widely discussed in Beatles historiography and general discourse. From the official start of Yoko's relationship with John in 1968 it was clear that Paul resented her presence in John's life and her proximity to the band:

"He even sent them [John and Yoko] a hate letter once, unsigned, typed. I brought it in with the morning mail. Paul put most of his fan mail in a big basket and let it sit for weeks, but John and Yoko opened every piece. When they got to the anonymous note, they looked puzzled, looking at each other with genuine pain in their eyes. ‘You and your Jap tart think you’re hot shit’, it said."

Francie Schwartz, Body Count 1972

"Cause she’s [Yoko] very much to do with it from John’s angle, that’s the thing, you know. And I – the thing is that I – there’s— Again, like, there’s always only two answers. One is to fight it, and fight her, and try and get The Beatles back to four people without Yoko, and sort of ask her to sit down at the board meetings. Or else, the other thing is to just realize that she’s there, you know. And he’s not gonna sort of – split with her, just for our sakes."

Paul McCartney, Let It Be Sessions, 1969

"I told John on the phone the other day that at the beginning of last year I was annoyed with him. I was jealous because of Yoko, and afraid about the break-up of a great musical partnership. It’s taken me a year to realise that they were in love. Just like Linda and me."

Paul McCartney, interview with Ray Connolly, 1970

What are the similarities and differences in the way jealousy manifested for John and Paul?

I think it's obvious but bears repeating that both John and Paul displayed jealousy towards other people who they felt would threaten their relationship so that's central to all the instances I have flagged, Jim, Mal, Linda, Stu, Yoko all posed real or imagined threats to John and Paul's partnership.

However, you'll note that I included more sources to display John's jealousy regarding Paul and that I categorised John's jealousy targets whereas I only pulled out two key individuals for Paul, this isn't to say that John was more jealous than Paul was, as jealousy isn't something you can quantify, but to highlight my opinion that Paul's jealousy regarding John was more targeted than John's jealousy regarding Paul. I think what stands out to me is that, I think generally Stu and Yoko are held up as the prime examples of Paul's jealousy of other people getting close to John, as far as we know, Paul never had significant issues with other people who formed close relationships with John like Pete Shotton, Cynthia Lennon, Magic Alex etc., why was that? I think that Paul was more threatened when he felt that John was replacing him so by bringing Stu into the band (even though he wasn't a musician) and Yoko into the studio (one instance where Paul was especially hurt was when John gave Paul's line in The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill to Yoko to sing), Paul perhaps felt that his place as John's primary collaborator was in jeopardy and that he could lose a partnership that had become central to his self-worth as a person - that, I believe, was when his jealousy was most likely to rise to the fore. John, on the other hand, had a much wider range of targets when it came to jealousy regarding Paul, why was John jealous of Linda? Linda wasn't trying to replace John as Paul's collaborator, if anything she wanted the Lennon-McCartney partnership to be stronger. Why was John jealous of Mal? Mal wasn't a musician, Mal was a huge fan of the band and constantly worked to fulfil their requests, so why was John so threatened by his friendship with Paul? For me, John's jealousy regarding Paul was more than just a fear of directly being replaced, I believe John's jealousy was fundamentally triggered by a fear of abandonment. I think the childhood trauma John experienced, of being left by both his parents, meant that whenever any of his close friendships and relationships were threatened, or he felt that someone close to him may leave him, he would act out. John fell out with his childhood best friend Pete when he got a girlfriend, John hit Cynthia when he saw her dancing with Stu, John was rude to several of Paul's love interests and ultimately John never fully accepted Paul's relationship with Linda because, although he could see that she could offer Paul the family life he always wanted, John didn't want Linda to take Paul away and give him a family that meant that Paul would no longer be able to prioritise John in his life as he had in the past.

Ultimately, we'll never know all the ways that jealousy factored into John and Paul's relationship with each other and those around them, as I'm sure it impacted several relationships in more complex ways than I can articulate (i.e. I suspect jealousy played a part in Paul's initial resentment of Brian but they grew closer over time so maybe Paul's jealousy lessened over time or Brian became less of a threat?). I do think it's important to consider that jealousy was present on both sides and was likely a factor in the breakdown of John and Paul's relationship, the breakdown of the Beatles and was a continued factor in disrupting reconciliations between John and Paul into the 70s and 1980.

[heartandfangs]

hey! how are you doing? feeling okay? i hope u got that writing of yours back!

Hey, thank you sweet anon for checking up on me 🥺❤️ Life + work is busy, but when I think about it, I have a lot to be grateful for. So I'm doing okay! Out of everything, I was only able to salvage like two pages of a fic that I haven't even put out yet (I had copied and pasted it onto a word counter site that automatically saves your progress and it actually kept it lol); everything else I am starting from scratch again.

But that's okay. I'm currently trying to move past it. In a way, losing my drafts helped me only keep the main points of IOU sans the fluff since I could only rewrite what I remember. I'm forced to improve things as I write it all again.

Best advice to avoid this for writers: Back up your work in multiple places and avoid the heartbreak!

IOU Part 5 is stalling a bit, so I took a little break from it and wrote another Jakey one-shot that I want to post within the week, but so far I've had a field day writing Heeseung's scenes in it! (Thank you to everyone who's waiting patiently for part 5 ✨)

Same for TWEWY which I started rewriting for fun; if I'm able to execute like properly and decide to repost it, it could have a very different feel to it while still having a similar premise (think a sexed up retro shoot 'em up zombie video game where the MC has abilities to fight back against creatures of the night) with better foundational concepts and a stronger plot.

Whoever you are anon, it means a lot that you check up on me! I hope you're doing well yourself, let me know if you're ever not.

Since you're so sweet, see below for a little IOU Part 5 teaser 🖤

Although Heeseung was as much of a wallflower as you were, his stunning fashion sense always garnered attention from anyone in the close vicinity. Dressed head to toe in black with a sleek leather coat and dress boots, he must’ve been drawing glances from strangers since he arrived, even appearing slightly intimidating to you despite knowing him.

Heeseung pushed off the wall and made his way towards you. You let him pull you into his arms as you rose to the tips of your toes just to barely thread your arms around his neck in a warm embrace.

Immediately, you appreciated the proximity; it was the first close human contact you’ve had in weeks. Almost wanting to just fall limp against him, you opted to rest your cheek against his shoulder and take in the scent of his cologne. He smelled of warm, subtle spice layered over crisp apples; reminded you of a crackling fireplace in the midst of the cold woods.

Heeseung felt you relax against him and rubbed comforting circles against your back in response. 

“You looked a little distressed there; something happen along the way here?”

Coming to your senses, you slipped your arms from his shoulders but his hands settled on your hips, keeping you close. It startled you slightly, being able to feel the outline of his natural bulge press against you. 

Breath catching, you replied, “...No. It was just a weird Uber drive, you know how those can be sometimes.”

“Next time let’s just meet at your place, and we’ll go from there together,” he looked into your eyes, slowly dragging his thumb over the curve of your hip.