#which you know because i've told you about work / my financial shit (i think)

[thefixeraa]

i miss you 🤍

please , my sister in christ - my love and my best friend . i fucking miss you . if this is your appeal to coax me out of my current struggle bus , than it's working . @batfall

[cpvnksabm]

anyway here's some fun facts about the choir in my aussie rtc au because i am cringe and i am free

Ocean

genuinely believes "cunt" is a horribly vulgar term despite having lived here her whole life. says "australian" instead of "aussie". gets snooty when people shorten australia to 'straya. generally trying very hard to pretend she isn't here

got told she had a british accent as a kid and she latched onto that REALLY hard because she thinks it's more "proper" english. in actuality she sounds slightly british compared to other aussies but if she talks to anyone outside of australia they will undoubtedly say she has an aussie accent.

as i've said before i believe she is "the kind of povvo cunt who would call her mates dolebludgers despite being on centrelink herself" however i have been told that this sentence is nonsense to non-aussies without a translation.

has occasionally gotten sunburned during winter. tries to go outside during summer anyway. this usually ends badly for her

Noel

works at what i believe to be the shittiest taco bell in sydney. i've never eaten taco bell myself, but i've walked past this place a couple of times, and it looks like it's probably the worst taco bell in sydney.

has absolutely no sense of aussie patriotism. as far as he's concerned fuck this country fuck the flag and fuck the wallabies too

his father, who is a serial child abandoner, fucked off to new zealand when noel was 13. he went through a phase of very seriously romanticising waiting until he was 14 years and 9 months old, so that he could get a job and be in less shit financially. he compared it to the part in the hunger games where katniss is waiting to be old enough to enter her name in the reaping more times to take out tessarae. in actuality the "you have to be 14 years and 9 months old to get a job" thing is just a myth that a lot of aussies believe for no real reason so he could have started working much earlier than he actually did. also it didnt really help financially because employees here literally dont get paid minimum wage until theyre 21 and at 14 you get like way less than half of minimum wage

saving up to move to france as per canon. his french is absolute dogshit and i'm not convinced he'd survive in europe. i'm also not convinced he's successfully saving money he's still years away from being able to earn minimum wage

genuinely does not really believe that 30 degrees celsius is even warm. 35 degrees is the point at which he will consider taking off his jacket. he does not own one single pair of shorts. ocean's proudest moment is the time she caught a screenshot of her lock screen having a notification from noel, complaining about it being too hot for the first time in his goddamn life, and then 3 minutes later a notification from a news app, reporting on record breaking high temperatures

misha

willing to second noel's statement regarding this country, the flag, and the wallabies too

has actually seen an impressive amount of sydney (and the surrounding area) compared to most of the choir who never go anywhere or do anything. this is because whenever he doesn't want to be somewhere (often) he will just get on a train and go wherever the fuck. he's like a "tom scott introducing places" compilation video bc he's always just texting the groupchat to say he's In A Location and when people ask what he's doing there he doesn't know. he'll get back to you when he finds a part of sydney/nsw that he thinks doesn't suck.

he has his sleeves rolled up all the time because he thinks it makes him look tough and gangsta, but more importantly, because he thinks 30 degrees celsius is "too hot".

i hate to say this but he'd probably be a fucking eshay

in summer he constantly takes photos of regular everyday items to send to talia with the caption "did you know this can melt".

i've never been in a house that had a basement so he doesnt have one. his adoptive parents still ignore him and expect him to Stay Out Of Their Sight, but like, he just has way less space in which he could do so. this is definitely part of why he's so often on a train to bumfuck nowhere to do fuck all rather than stay at home.

ricky

straight up does not like it here tbh this place is insanely ableist

so chronically online (and just generally isolated) that once he starts interacting with the choir he has to google the aussie slang they use regularly. his sleep schedule is Bad so he mainly interacts with americans.

refers to mcdonalds as "maccas" not because it's easier for him to call it that, but because it pisses off the americans in his discord servers

perpetually fighting tooth and nail for the school & the government to recognise that he is Really Disabled. he has several diagnoses on record. he can't walk unassisted. come on this is ridiculous.

big fan of "aussie cuisine" specifically because he cannot cook. fairy bread is a meal if you use your imagination.

penny

the aussie equivalent of Elysium is in katoomba or somewhere similar, in the blue mountains. this should explain most of why she's so insane i think.

she probably still lives in the blue mountains but closer to sydney, or maybe in one of the parts of sydney that we all secretly think of as being Basically Not Even Sydney (sorry emu plains)

since high school starts in year 7 here, ezra 100% goes to the same school as her (maybe he already did in canon tbh, i feel like it was kind of unclear if uranium city had a middle school or if it was one of those towns so small that st cassians would be a k-12 school)

ezra and penny usually avoid each other like the plague at school (because having siblings is #cringe) but occasionally they will pass each other in the school hallways, reference some utterly incomprehensible inside joke, exchange some bizarre assortment of objects that they needed to borrow from each other, and then leave and go back to avoiding each other

because nobody ever goes to their house (because theyre both loners/outcasts and also because they live in the middle of fucking nowhere and nobody wants to travel that far), the fact that they're siblings is Deep Lore that you only find out once you're really close to them. it was a rumour once but most people brushed it off because it seemed too unbelievable

#1 aussie animal apologist

really does not understand noel & misha's beef with the wallabies. she gets stressed every time they mention it.

constance

frequently goes for walks alone at night, often in notoriously "dodgy" areas. she hangs out at parks and goes on the swing. she's honestly more scared of the bats than of other people. why are there so many fucking bats here

pretends dropbears are real

hates the weather here. so much. all the time. if she complains about the cold then she is inevitably smugly reminded that in other places it gets cold enough to snow, so this is just chilly. if she complains about the heat then she is inevitably smugly reminded that it's not record-breaking hot. if it is record-breaking hot then she still can't complain because everyone is focused on being surprised that noel finally noticed it was hot. she suffers like jesus here.

has never actually seen snow in person. really wants to. at some point penny probably takes her down to the mountains in winter to see it and it doesn't really live up to the hype.

would probably super enjoy a "let's get on a train and go Wherever The Fuck to do Fuck All" trip with misha but people (ocean) always expect her to justify why she's going anywhere. secretly really enjoys whenever something inconvenient happens requiring her to travel far

i've never seen bluey but i feel like she'd be one of those people that watches it as an adult

[ex-foster]

"Don't ever tell anyone you were in foster care, especially at work"

I met another former foster kid. She was around the same age as me but much more financially successful. One of the things she told me that really stuck with me is when she advised me to never disclose the fact that I was in foster care, especially at work.

So today I want to talk about this topic. Employers have been shown to discriminate against former foster kids. Interviews might be going well, until the conversation becomes cold when it's revealed you were in foster care. This might be due to misconceptions about foster kids like assumptions that we are troubled, delinquent, mentally ill, socially maladjusted or violent. Some confuse foster care group homes with juvie. And in other cases, these stereotypes about former foster kids and delinquent behaviour are true to some degree. Among prison populations, former foster kids are overrepresented, however studies also indicate that former foster kids are more severely punished by the justice system than their peers.

I would say that there definitely is a stigma attached to being a foster kid. People absolutely do use it against you. People will use it like an insult, similar to how people say "you're adopted" as an insult (which has happened to me too although I'm not adopted. I think people conflate adoption and foster care). People get super uncomfortable with the topic of foster care. I remember this one girl who basically ran away from me when I told her I was in foster care. She said "sorry" and abruptly ended the conversation and took off almost in a run. She was acting like I was shameful and treated me like how some people treat people with disabilities or an obvious deformity - don't stare, don't engage, just walk away.

I used to listen to this podcast called female dating strategy and one of their pieces of advice is to NEVER ever tell a guy (especially a potential dating prospect) that you were abused. It doesn't matter if you were abused by your ex, your dad, or even your brother. Do not tell him your ex was abusive because it lowers the bar for him. He gets the idea in his head that there is a certain level of mistreatment that you will tolerate. And if your father or your brother were abusive or misogynistic, it's better not to tell your dating prospects because then he thinks you don't have protective men in your life. You are advised to lie and even suggest that your father and brother are good and protective because it can deter predatory males. If you advertise that you have an abusive/absent father and an abusive ex and there's no protective older brother/guy to defend you, then you become a magnet for abusive men. And I agree with them.

These women are right in describing this dynamic. However, trying to overcome this dynamic is easier said than done. What am I supposed to do as a former foster kid - hire actors to play the role of my father and older brother throughout my entire life? Eventually the fact that I was in foster care comes out. If I'm to get married, who walks me down the aisle? To what extent do I lie to protect myself from abuse? Should I live in fear of people knowing I was in foster care?

I think it's interesting that in the UK there is a growing interest in considering experience in foster care a protected characteristic (like race or sex). I've read about this consideration and it was interesting that they noted that former foster kids are discriminated against in relationships. Not just the workplace, but discriminated in relationships. That was very interesting seeing that acknowledged because a lot of people act super fake and pretend they would treat foster kids well because they see us as charity cases and are virtue signalling. But in practice, a lot of these same people talk massive shit about us and will tell people to avoid us because we were in foster care. I've heard other former foster kids describe socializing as constantly being hazed. It's as if you're never considered part of the family, you're constantly kept at a distance but people might tantalize you with hope and promises of in-laws maybe accepting you someday. Other former foster kids describe the dating scene as treating them as a "pump and dump".

But I don't think I should have to live in fear of people knowing I was in foster care. I remember taking my friend's advice and even the FDS podcast advice and applying to real life situations and it actually worked. If I omitted the fact I was in foster care or characterized an abusive person in my life as some wholesome person, people treated me SO much better than any time I told the truth about my history in foster care or the encounters I had with abusive people. People honestly seem to despise me when I am honest about my experiences. It's almost like mob mentality too. People will gang up on you. I'm sure that this behaviour is explained somewhere in psychology or sociology (I guess Just World Theory or something) but when you're a young person coming out of foster care, this social dynamic is so difficult to adapt to because you get opposite messages in foster care. In foster care, they normalize acknowledging trauma, abuse, neglect...but then in the real world these topics are avoided and taboo. So you kinda seem like the weirdo if you disclose your history. You will shock people and they will say you are "trauma dumping" or they'll even accuse you of lying. It becomes its own drama.

[radfemsiren]

Hello! I wanted to share something. So you know that woman on instagram who claims to be a "legal brothel owner"? She put a reel discussing the weirdest things she had seen, which included a mother and daughter working together, or a husband being one of his wife's clients. Neither of them were funny to me, I thought it was heartbreaking, and I shared it to my friend thinking she'd share my disgust at this woman and this system that exploits women and children.

However, she said as it was a "legal" brothel, it was chill, and that the husband was "supporting" her out of love. I was shocked. I told her how harmful and degrading the sex industry was for women. But she kept defending it, parroting the libfem points of "their choice", "who are we to say", "in this eceonomy", "oldest profession", "atleast men can go somewhere instead of raping women". I was beyond horrified.

I tried to reason with her. I told her that legalizing it would just make prostitution a viable profession for women who were unemployed, at risk of financial abuse, immigrant or disabled women. I told her how could anyone with a conscience send a fifty year old man (even if he was the sweetest man on earth) to a nineteen year old girl's room as he asked just because nineteen is legal.

She didn't provide a proper response to any of my arguments, outright ignored some of them, and in the end said let's agree to have different opinions on this topic. It's so weird because she's always agreed with me on how men oppress women. I've felt a bit off towards her ever since then. I can't get myself to laugh and joke with her like we used to. I'm just waiting to graduate so that we don't have be in contact anymore. We always discuss how disgusted we feel when men openly support porn and prostitution and honestly, I feel the same way for women who do it too.

Sorry for the long ask, hope you have a great day!

What a crazy response from her! Completely strange to not have empathy for women in our oldest oppression and most violent forms of subjugation!

The mother/daughter one is esp heinous! There has to be grooming involved from a young age, there is no other way… and the husband? If you have to pay your wife to have sex with you, then she doesn’t want to have sex with you. There is no consent or love there, and she is probably being financially abused :/

When it comes to porn and prostitution, so many people are fucking delusional and think “Well as long as it’s legal, it’s morally ok!” Nope! Like, thinking about your examples, it’s so crazy how incest is completely illegal, unless you film it and sell it. Than it’s totally cool! Like the amount of twins that are onlyfans stars makes me fucking sick … like those girls that were twins and there was a countdown of excited men to when they turned 18 and started onlyfans… how do you see shit like that and not think society is fucking sick and grooms little girls 😕

[begitalarcos]

Hey Guys

Wow it's been quite some time. In regards to my last life post (that I don't remember making) but did happen and was very difficult to deal with all the fall out for like... more than a month after.

I'm sorry I left you all with that and then just disappeared again. Things have been weird the last couple months... to put it in simple words... shit sucks

The falling out with my daughter caused a huge rift between several people who (were not involved but still had a very loud opinion about things) and quite a few uncomfortable conversations.

I unfortunately started drinking as a way to deal with not dealing with things (I'm good now but I had about 3 weeks of just being smashed on the regular) and during that time I suffered an awful fall which resulted in me slipping a disc in my back. Possibly 2 of them but I've had such a hard time dealing with doctors lately that no one in the medical field has been particularly helpful. So I've been living off a cocktail of painkillers for almost 2 months now (which I hate), I was going to physio but then my insurance decided not to cover my sessions until I could PROVE I was actually hurt.

Tomorrow I go for an assessment with a new doctor to try and get my insurance to cover treatment again, my MRI isn't even until August of next f*cking year. -_-

Our healthcare system is an absolute joke right now.

On top of being in CONSTANT pain (not being able to sit or lie down for very long either cuz I lose feeling in my legs) my daughters disability/mental health program has decided to just... not help anymore until she gets a new assessment. Even though its been almost 3 years and she's still on a waiting list for an adult psychiatrist.

So the last week or so now everyone is coming back to me to try and fix/smooth things out again (after I was basically pushed out of her life because I was "making shit up" and "didn't actually care" and apparently was just being a control freak) and no one has apologized for the way they treated me or forced me out of helping my own kid. Nope. They just expect that now that she has no financial coverage that I should be the one to speak for her again cause they have no idea what to do. -_-

My husband has been solid thankfully, even though his relationship with Sassy has suffered so much because of the people around her who have influenced her... not always for the better. But I at least have maintained a sense of control in a way that's worked for me.

I told everyone who has given me grief for the past couple years about Sassy (including Sassy) that if I am going to advocate for her and get this stuff sorted out that I'm doing it my way, and if I get any push back or flack from anyone - then I'm done. They can figure it out themselves and I wash my hands of it all.

My husband thinks I shouldn't have gotten involved again at all, but I know (and I knew things were gonna blow up eventually) if I don't fix this... its gonna become my problem again anyways.

This past month or so I've had some really good breakthroughs with my therapist about my toxic coping skills, people pleasing and lack of boundaries with family members.

I feel better about things though than I ever have and now that I am standing firm with my boundaries and my convictions its been much easier for me to deal with any gaslighting or potential drama that people have tried to start up with me.

I know this got super long winded and I didn't intend for it to be as rambling and trauma dumpy as it was but - it is good to get things out and clear the air. As I feel like I sort of left an air of weirdness here for quite sometime.

Working on getting back to the things that I enjoy and stop becoming immersed in other peoples drama and things that I can't change.

I've missed you guys and crikey has Tumblr changed since I've been away. But I'm hopeful and I look forward to getting back into fandoms and gif sets and all those things I loved so much again <3

much love to you all

B

[upthewitchypunx]

You all seemed very confused about my last post, trust me, I'm just as confused about the casting a spell that binds someone's sexuality, but I guess that's where we are.

Look, I try to be a compassionate person, but sometimes when you reconnect with someone who was close to you over 20 years ago and invite them to live in your home it doesn't always go well.

I don't like talking about other people's stories, especially online, but this has affected our life and our home and brought chaos into our space. So, this is my story.

This old friend seems to have it together, paid rent early and had a job lined up before they got here. It seemed they were having a bit of trouble adjusting. After a few months it was clear they were going through a mental health thing for the 3rd time in 2 months and making wild accusations and doing hurtful things like smoking cigarettes and massive amounts of weed when they know they have a lung problem and abandoning cats with no food or water or not paying all their rent or giving 30 days notice before they leave town, you just have to cut ties.

This was the last straw. The one before was 2 weeks ago when I was accused of thinking they wanted to use magic to steal my partner and that somehow because I knew stuff they didn't I was making them feel bad about it and that they think I think they just want to steal all my ideas.

I was compassionate. I stayed calm. I said I was confused, asked if she was okay. A few days later she came down crying to apologize, said she wasn't okay. We talked. I told her about the Oregon Health Plan and how she could get some help. She seemed grateful and she did and had an appointment lined up.

Then last week we left for Astoria for a night and she was there at 4 pm to bring a package in but by 1pm the next day when we got home most of her things were gone except furniture that wouldn't fit in her car. We didn't really notice the things gone at first and thought maybe she had gone on a little trip because the cats were still here so we fed them and got them water, then messaged her after a few days. She claims she had a medical issue and called an ambulance. Then her family came here and towed her home. The time line doesn't make sense. Her family is a 12 hour drive away. How long was she in the hospital? How long did it take to pack her car? Why did she leave the cats? Why didn't she tell us on her own about the medical emergency?

I'm a pretty forgiving person, especially if the person is honest and isn't trying to take advantage of me. It often bites me in the ass, but at least I know I can sleep at night and treat people to my own ethical standard until I hit a point.

Last night we got more confusing messages declaring we actually wanted her cats all along and the whole binding her sexuality thing. We decided that it wasn't worth putting effort into this relationship, she's with her family now, we aren't getting blood from a stone, and that we had done as much as we could, calmly said we were confused and hurt and will find new homes for the cats, and blocked her.

I don't usually air someone's personal issues online, but this is someone you will never know, they probably won't see this, I don't really care if they do, and this is my blog and this is an incredibly frustrating, emotionally laborious, and financially unexpected experience we are going through right now and I just need to vent.

I've already contacted a cat rescue about the cute nice cat and the hissing mean cat that won't come out of the closet. Now I need to get rid of a brand new IKEA bed frame, a couch, a big clothing rack, 2 poorly constructed book shelves, a TV, a bunch of clothes and shoes, a record player that doesn't work, a giant stack of new age books, and a bunch of other random shit.

Oh, and cleanse the house of that nonsense before finding a new housemate, which a friend of a friend is interested in.

All of this while we are working to make the shop on the first floor browsable.

Please do not make disparaging comments about someone who is seriously going through something. I don't need to hear it. It won't be helpful or have a point. I'm not mad, just annoyed and wishing people had better communication.

[sugoiney-weaver]

I'll probably delete this because it feels like bragging but I need to put it somewhere

I just got the numbers from my boss yesterday about my raise

For context, I've been underpaid by about $20k for the last year. My boss brought me onto this team at an unfortunate time when we started standardizing raises and performance reviews. He straight up told me "you're underpaid, let's work to get you where you should be" and then the timing just didn't work out.

At the time, being brought into a whole different role with a specialized skillset that I didn't have, I argued against him because I couldn't fathom myself being worth that much. I still think I was right at the time, but we made a plan and I got trained and I got certifications. I acted my wage, which he didn't have a problem with.

I believed that he would do his best to do right by me, because I've seen him do it for others, but I had my doubts.

But yesterday he was able to let me know that I got a 25% salary raise, as well as a 5-figure bonus to make up for being underpaid.

My YoY increase is larger than what I made in all of 2016. It might be larger than I made in 2014 and 2015 combined.

and I just don't know how to process that right now, especially when I know so many people who are struggling.

I'm in a position where I have very little expenses, so I guess now I just have to lock away as much money as I can so that I don't spend it on unnecessary shit. My mom is going to send me the contact info for her financial advisor.

[sorealis]

Life update no one asked for but I need to rant and I don't want to bother anyone who knows me irl. It got surprisingly long so under the cut it is.

I have been so tired for a year now. It was definitely a mistake doing what I did last year, studies-wise, but at least I'm now a huge step closer to graduating some time. If I ever manage to figure out a topic for my master's thesis. (Anyone want to give me ideas?)

I went to the doctor, he said "maybe it will get better when you don't have to work for a while" and I said "yeah, maybe". It didn't. I was tired the whole summer. But I could still do some things, not nearly as much as I would have liked (like write fanfiction lol).

But do you know what happens when you don't do anything for a while? No money. To get money I have to work. But I can't work and study at the same time. I tried that, the whole of last year and look where we are now. Worst part, my "job" last year was just practice so I don't even get paid for it. I've been living without any income for years now. (When I say "any" I mean not a livable wage. I have a job and I do get paid, but it isn't enough to live on)

I'm not completely without help, however, I don't really qualify for benefits the way things are right now. Soon I will, but I'd rather not because it means I will have to stress about more things. They tell me to "go to work" and I totally would, but a) there are no jobs here, this is a city with 40k students out of 140k total residents, how many part-time jobs do you think there are, and b) I can't work. I could, but then I can't study. If I don't study I won't graduate. I will work for the rest of my life as soon as I have my degree, okay? I just need to get there first.

Stressing about all of this is making me feel even more like shit. And now I can't sleep. I can't believe I told my doctors just a few months ago that "no, I definitely have no trouble sleeping, I just get really tired really easy" and my body was like "would you like to have trouble sleeping, here we go". This would be fine if not sleeping just meant that I'm just equally tired all the time instead of just most of the time. But my eyes hurt and this is where I draw the line. I can't see.

And I know exactly why I can't sleep and why I panic every time I go outside and why I get so tired all the time. And pretty much most of this could be solved if I had financial security. But I don't.

So now my regular doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, because apparently all my complaining sounded a little too much like I have depression. Could be true, but this doesn't feel like the last time I was depressed (as in the last time I was actually diagnosed with depression, which gave me nice confirmation that yes, I'm not crazy and this is actually thing that has a name) Maybe I'm just exhausted trying to fix all the stupid shit my past depressed self did when I thought planning for a future I thought I wouldn't have was stupid.

Here I am. Recently hit 30, which is more than I ever thought I would. I wish I was 22. That's how many years I feel like I've missed living.

Also, definitely the least of my worries now, but I need to stop looking at the stats for my fics, it's not good for the rest of my meager mental health. I shouldn't care so much if people I don't know, and who have probably never once interacted with my fics, want to keep reading. They don't owe me anything but neither do I owe them anything. There's a constant mantra of "you're writing for yourself not them" in my mind these days. (Maybe I'm simply cursed to never hit that 200 subscriptions threshold ;_;)

[chipped-chimera]

Ugh ... I am low-key so worried about how the BG3 ending is gonna play out for Karlach that I'm considering stopping playing and just coming back to it when I can handle it. Some of this shit is just hitting too close to home and I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.

More personal context under the cut if you want.

I relate to Karlach's pain so much. Too much. To the point it makes me teary thinking about it. Both of our lives have been cruel.

It has been hard for me, despite a stable family upbringing that most would envy, in a lower-middle class family that for the large part has been financially stable. I'm also white. I know I'm lucky in that capacity - god I fucking know (and the thought that what I've gone through could be considered a 'lucky' position? What does that mean for others? It keeps me up at night).

But that didn't stop the pain crawling in. I wasn't diagnosed with Autism until 27. I wasn't diagnosed with co-morbid ADHD until I was 28. I wasn't medicated for ADHD until I was 30 (and that was AFTER being told by a psych who also invalidated my Autism diagnosis aka the context for fucking EVERYTHING in my life, I couldn't have ADHD because I could 'read a book').

Before that? I knew I was depressed at 13, but didn't want to burden my family so I did nothing - we may be lower middle class and stable but I knew that was only because my parents tried so fucking hard. We had camping chairs in place of furniture up until I was eight. I lived with the pain because I didn't want to burden them, and without the context of my neurodivergence I just blamed myself for the problem, not being good enough, not trying hard enough - not being ENOUGH. I held onto it until I cracked and couldn't take it anymore at 16. I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It's since been upgraded to chronic Major Depression and it's classed as treatment resistant.

Both of us have had moments of building ourselves up from nothing. Through therapy and medication I was able to feel a bit better, more positive as I left high school. Thinking maybe it was gonna be okay after all, out there in the world.

It felt like I'd slowly reached out into the light, tentatively, hopefully - there'd be something more, that I'd live out the dreams I'd had, the things I'd always wanted to do. I was still optimistic.

Instead it felt like that arm had been immediately lopped off.

The story is long and too complicated to tell without this being longer than it needs to be. But like Karlach, I feel I've lost years of my life. Like Karlach, it's been a decade - ten years. That I cannot get back, that I grieve keenly.

I have been isolated, and then betrayed by those I thought I trusted. First, by the systems that were supposed to help me when I was struggling - my own government's system as they hit me with a debt that I couldn't even pay, on a scheme which has in retrospect been found to be completely illegal, but has left me with lasting trauma and damage and no closure. Not even a sorry. Because I, with my undiagnosed Autism and ADHD and a growing fatigue issue where I was so exhausted from simply being alive I just couldn't fight it. So I let them take money out of my social security payment - which was and still is considered below the poverty line. I was punished for being poor, I was punished for arguably, being disabled.

And then, by the person I trusted most. The person I thought I loved, the person who made it felt like everything was okay - I may be struggling still but there was still a future! There was someone who cared about me, who would be beside me for the rest of my lifetime. He asked me to marry him. We were engaged for three. Years. We'd been dating for 10. I thought everything, despite all the shit happening to me, was going to be okay.

It wasn't.

I had landed some employment for the first time in 3 years. I was working more hours than advised by the psychologist who diagnosed me with Autism but I had no choice - I was literally on the minimum limit available to me, due to the barriers I still have to navigate to qualify for disability supports (again, from a government system that I no longer trusted and gave me the earnest impression that they preferred me dead than 'leeching off their system'). But I was not living. I couldn't handle even 15 hours a week, I was more exhausted than I'd ever been. I felt like a corpse. I spoke with my disability employment coordinator (no, despite what I said, being on disability EMPLOYMENT services does not qualify you getting onto disability support, just means the government will only hound me for a minimum of 15 hrs a week instead of 30 in order for social security, that's a whole other complicated thing) IN CONFIDENCE that I wasn't sure I could keep up with the current work format and hoped I could discuss some solutions. Next minute I find I'm locked out of the work facebook. I was fired, without warning and without protections because I was a casual. Because my employment coordinator told my boss before even discussing anything with me.

My relationship was suffering but I wasn't aware. I was too tired for intimacy, and probably two tired to see the signs. I'd gotten my Autism diagnosis at this point and maybe it was a bit difficult for my fiancée at the time to understand, but he came to terms with it. The ADHD assessment was booked. I had realized at this point pushing myself to be something I wasn't, thinking somehow landing work and earning money for myself would help the depression - it didn't. I was worse than I'd ever been. Then the moment came where I was handed a notice that the government would no longer give me any social security because my partner, on his meager chef's salary was earning too much. All because I'd tried to do the right thing by the government. I'd tried so hard to be good. I'd tried so hard to be ENOUGH.

I wasn't enough.

My fiancée came to me, my fiancée who I'd been talking to about our upcoming wedding plans now the pandemic was over, my fiancée who I'd been cuddling with on the couch last night watching films - he came to me when I was battered, and raw and broken and crying in bed - just said 'I can't do this anymore.' And that was it. It was done. As I processed it, I realised the root of it was, it was because I'd taken the mask off. I decided I wasn't going to try to be something I wasn't anymore, because I knew and it was backed up in countless studies - what I was doing was actively killing me. And he didn't want to deal with that. I wasn't enough, and yet I was too much.

It has been two years since then. My ADHD is medicated. I live in a stable, safe environment with my parents where I don't have to worry about my security. I have set firm boundaries that I learned while I was independent, and they respect them. But the wounds are still deep and it'll take a long time to recover, to get that trust in the world back.

When I look at Karlach, I see some of myself. Someone who has been used, abused and betrayed by those they trusted. Someone who felt abandoned by everything, that there was no hope, no way out. And yet in spite of it all - kept going. Who, deep in their heart kept something soft and safe. Held onto and protected what little shred of optimism left. Because if we don't practice kindness, who will? We want to be the kindness we want to see in the world, because fuck, have we seen so little of it. It is so easy to give up, to fall into despair when you've been through so much shit. It requires so much vigilance and energy and momentum to keep going, when you're wading through a battlefield of carnage and gore in your life, whether metaphorical or literal. We hold on and we are kind because we hope, one day, that kindness will touch us back. That despite it all we try our fucking hardest to wear a smile, and see the good in everything we can.

And I think that's why it hurts so much. Karlach is finally free. And happy. She feels loved. She's finally feeling some of that kindness again kindness that I know, that she knows she fucking deserves. And it's on a fucking time limit.

And that's what's fucking breaking me. I know she's supposed to be some kind of allegory for terminal illness. And I know this isn't my story. I know it's a story that is important to tell, and it will touch others in a different way. But for me it feels like all the wounds I've barely scabbed over are being ripped open again. Because this is not an ending she deserves at all. It makes me sit and wonder, is that all there is for people like us? Just brief windows of happiness in the pain until we die? Don't we deserve saving? Don't we deserve a happy ending? A peaceful one? Don't we deserve to wear that smile, that happiness without us having to fight for every second it with tooth and nail to keep it there? To believe in it?

I don't know the endings in detail for her. But i have seen enough in the vaguest sense to feel it won't be good, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I have played games with sad themes, like I know Cyberpunk isn't that great either - but I think the difference is who it is happening to. It's somehow easier when it's you, as the player. But when it's someone else? When you know that pain so fucking keenly you would rip yourself apart just to let them escape that hell, it's hard to stomach.

Then there's the disability angle that bothers me so much. Currently her options, as she puts it, are burning up and dying or going back to Avernus. I understand why she's choosing death, like, fuck man I do. Why is it always death though? Why is death better. Why can't she get a replacement heart? Make it shit! It can be a shitty heart that still works, but needs tune ups, and maybe she can't fight like she used to but she gets to fucking live a happy life! Because a shitty, happy life is better than nothing at all. Because as it goes, it feels to me I'm just being told it's easier to just die than submit to the suffering again whenever a piece of media picks an end like this. It's either the cure-all or death, there's never room for something in between. There's never room for making peace with what you have lost and still reclaiming some of your life, grieving what you have lost but still finding something worth having and holding onto. And when you're in that limbo state yourself, it's a hard pill to swallow. And it's hard to let anyone else fall into it.

We both deserve life. We both deserve happiness.

Fuck.

[pokemoneverlastingorchard]

I just went through Ollie's second event and I am honestly surprised with my past self as well as disgusted with how... Accurate it seems to be. More than I originally thought when I wrote it.

Spoilers for Ollie. (And a lot of personal things, too.)

I've been working on this game for years now (with one year off to focus on commissions) and one major thing has happened while I've been working on it. (Other than my marriage, which I referenced in the game.)

So when I started working on this game I've been reading, hearing about and seeing a lot of transphobia. I haven't seen it be so loud before that.

At some point a Youtuber who I used to watch (before she switched to another form of content that I didn't like) was finally in a position to come out as MTF trans. Transphobia made me mad before, but afterwards I almost felt like it was personal.

I would just listen to her struggles and her journey to transitioning while I was making the sprites for the candidates of this game. I didn't have them all figured out yet, but listening to her I knew that I wanted to have one who's trans.

I decided on MTF because I'm a cis woman, so I know how it feels like to want to be a woman. That's not to say that it's the same. I know it's not the same and I won't ever know what it's like to have gender dysphoria. I just know how it feels like to be a girl is all.

In Ollie's second event you meet her mother. She heard that her "son" have been making and selling clothes and she was thinking that Ollie have gone past her "phase" and that she just wanted to make dresses.

Once she finds out that Olivia is still Olivia and not Oliver she goes on a rant, calls her name and say something like "nobody will ever love you if you don't stop" and "what about children?!"

My thought process was that I want to make my thoughts about transphobes very clear. I wanted to make it obvious that I think she is the bad guy and have the other characters kick her out for her bigotry. So I decided to exaggerate her transphobia. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing at the time.

So this is when it gets really personal.

When I was about fourteen my aunt died. Then her boyfriend died not too long after. They had a child together. My cousin was placed in the foster care system and we lost contact with my cousin for fourteen years. It was during the last recession. All of us were struggling to financially or physically take care of ourselves, let alone a child. (Or in my case, too young.) I don't even think we had time to talk about adoption before it too late.

Then in mid 2020 my cousin found my mom on Facebook. They used a feminine first name and my aunt's last name to get my mom to accept their message. They said something like "hey auntie. This is a picture of me when you last saw me" and attached was a picture of them when they were ten years old.

When my mom told me I cried. I cried a lot. I didn't stop talking about my little cousin and how the foster care system took "him" away for fourteen years and she contacted my mom out of the blue one day. I made it kind of hard for my mom to tell me that she's MTF trans. I just kind of went "oh" and went back to crying for a while because god dammit she's okay and I don't have to worry about her so much anymore! And if I do get worried, I can just contact her!

After talking to my cousin for a while she started to open up and talked to me about how much shit she had to go through. A lot of the shit her foster mom would tell her was so similar to what I made Ollie's mother say that it's scary.

She'd tell her that we abandoned her, that we didn't want her (none of us stopped talking about her in fourteen years) and that even if we saw her again we would never want her back if she kept "pretending" to be a girl. (She was right in some cases. My cousin was lucky to have found my mom on Facebook and not my dad/her uncle. My dad doesn't want anything to do with her unless she's his nephew.)

I haven't read through that event in years. I'd just skipped it once I found out that it worked to save time. It's making me feel almost sick just how fucking accurate I was. It distracted me so much I had to stop to let out my personal feelings.

By the way, the only reason why I made Ollie's identity a secret (thus the "spoiler warning") unless you befriend her is because I wanted her to be cautious of people thanks to her mother. She looks like a girl and strangers don't need to know that she's a pre-operation trans woman. But when you get close to her she realizes that you'll need to know sometime.

[nono-bunny]

Genuinely impressed by how realistic Barbie and Her Sisters in a Pony Tale (God that's an unnecessarily long title) is when it comes to horse etiquette, especially when it comes to Stacie

I rode for a good couple of years, so this is probably the first hobby~ movie I've seen from Barbie so far where I actually like,,, know a thing or two about the main subject (pretty much all of the others before it are ballet ones I think, and I never got very far when it came to my dancing lessons lol)

It's really cool watching Stacie fumble her mounting, brushing, and riding (mostly due to poor communication with her horse) and being able to actually SEE what she's doing wrong rather than just being told by the story she is, like! Sure, it's all pretty basic stuff, but it's also clear because of it that the people working on this movie were passionate enough about it to learn how to portray all of that in such a clear way, and that makes it really fun to watch!

Stacie getting up on her horse again after a bad, scary fall is a relatively minor plot-point, but it's still one I personally appreciated a lot- falling from a beast that can crush you in a second is REALLY scary, and getting back up again isn't to be taken for granted! She's shown to be really scared and a bit traumatized by the jump that she fell during, and I like that! It's more than understandable, and I admire her for giving it another shot and learning how to make it work together with her horse! It can be very easy to start to resent your horse after something like that, and she definitely starts off down that route where fear is about to get the better of her, so I'm genuinely happy for her that Barbie helped her past that hurdle. Your first big fall is the scariest and it can very easily cause people to quit altogether, but it's definitely a fear that can be conquered and overcome! I had a real big fall pretty early after I started riding, and it's to date probably one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had in my life, but I had the instructors and other kids there with me in the aftermath, so I got back on and kept riding for years after that! And I still for sure fell again after that, and eventually I did stop riding because for some reason I became scared over time, which honestly, is probably had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have my own horse and had to switch horses a lot, and it's exhausting when you're constantly having to learn how to handle a new horse... And also that one horse I was paired with for A WHILE that was honestly probably way too small for me because I kept falling forward on her mane (which was highly unpleasant for both of us). Like, fr, horseriding truly is a rich person sport lol, it's so much easier when you just have your own horse that you can form a proper connection with!!! Anywayyy

I love that you can really feel both the stable camaraderie AND the underlying animosity born out of jealousy that, in my experience, at least, was a staple of my horseriding days, like! Everyone is there to have a good time with horses, but at the same time there's a lot of envy towards "the good riders", the ones who participate in all the competitions and are treated a bit like celebrities (and sometimes act like ones because of it), like!! Yeah this Barbie movie 100% nailed the vibe it was going for!! Financial troubles? Horses running away? Those are the sort of things that make everyone band together because ultimately, most everyone just wants these horses to be as safe and comfortable as possible!

I was also really scared they were going to make Etienne the villain so I'm glad he wasn't, even though his fat, scheming, ALSO french brother being the villain is not a much better look, but like... Good for Etienne, I like him, he seems like a good coach who has to deal with a lot of shit and takes it all with grace because he loves his job! I was really happy with the way they showed that Philippe was the outlier in terms of poor sportsmanship and desire to just profit off of horses, and that even his coworkers and family disapprove of his behavior. Like! You can win all the races, but that won't matter to anyone if you're also a nasty person to be around... Those kinds of people are very much still present in the horseriding circuits, but they suck and that kind of behavior is really not acceptable

This movie just?? Really brought me back to those days in the best way possible, it's so much fun and genuinely a good film, and like! For something with that kind of name I was expecting it to be either really boring or really lame (Perfect Christmas is the perfect example, god that one sucked), so it was a really nice treat for it to be especially good! All the sisters got their own neat plots that worked well too, I feel like I was about equally invested in all of them which was great! God, please let the other Barbie&co films be just as good!!

[bitchubby]

shit outburst

the title is quite explicit and self-explanatory, shitty moment and only here do I feel safe enough to expose my miserable and deplorable situation

this is going to be kind of sad so don't read it if it will make you feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone's pity, I just want peace to keep going through this jungle I face every day

we start with my deplorable situation in every angle of my life, there isn't one where I'm really good or worthy of looking at and thinking "I'm doing fine". but well, I've been trying, really trying lmao.

well, I got a college internship, but my college is full of antics and required a minimum of credit to do the internship. I obviously hadn't. difficult situation, I had to lock up before due to serious personal problems. so I signed a letter committing myself to having all the credits at the end of the term.

friends, it was like two subjects, I had signed up for five, but life is like taking the wrong bus and only realizing it after a long time. I live like a long way from both (college and internship), it's 3 long hours standing on the bus.

At first, I thought I could reconcile, but damn, it was impossible. within a month I was sleeping 4 hours a day and it BROKE me. so I thought "I'm going to stop trying to take all of them", let's just say they were tough teachers, who really charge, they give a lot of work and the test is hell, to only go to the ones I had a better chance of passing.

But then again, life is UNPREDICTABLE.

I live in a favela/community, which means I can't go in and out whenever I want, there are times when there's a police operation, shooting, bombing and that prevents me from going, I can't risk my life, can I? if I'm suicidal yes (which I think a lot lately, by the way).

so, let's say that in one of the two subjects that I was SURE I would pass, I didn't miss it, even though I had the 2nd highest average in the class, hahahaajajah fuck me, I studied 6 hours straight for weeks to fulfill the workload of the contents that I missed due to circumstances BIGGER than myself. it was like 3 more absences, justified, 3 more absences that made me despair now.

my internship depends on these subjects, but only on that subject, as well as my college, because as I said, I live far away and it is impossible to maintain myself in it (even if it is public) if I don't work, it is unfeasible, I spend a lot, like A LOT of money (and look, I have a ticket that guarantees me 4 free bus trips). and like, my college offers some allowances like permanence (housing), food, passage, but apparently I'm not miserable enough.

you have no idea how I've been fighting, how I've been trying. I tried so hard, really.

in that same class that I failed, I went through some situations that made me question my sanity would it be worth taking risks to try to progress a little academically and financially.

like, are we in 2023? yes, i'm fat. yes, my hair gets frizzy. yes, I look defeated, I wake up at 4:50 in the morning and come back at 10/11. Being bullied and being told about things I already know is exhausting. but I thought, I can get through this, it's only one semester, I'll get rid of them and then I'll continue to do well in my internship.

but BAMMMMM 3 punch I take.

Is nothing I do enough? my maximum is not enough? Will you have to destroy me so I can get some kind of mercy

and I even forgot to mention, but from trying so hard to reconcile, from giving so much to do well in all areas, I acquired an autoimmune disease!!!

the name is psoriasis, and it was enough to destroy the only high point in my life, which was my self-esteem.

Now I don't even feel pretty anymore I have the right, apparently.

So, I would like to know if it's worth living like this? if God only gives burdens we are able to bear, I have news.

Today I already cried a lot, people. I already had thoughts like I haven't had since 2015, when I was massively bullied, lived in isolation and thought about throwing myself on the avenue every day before going to school.

and fuck, that's a fucking comeback.

I could say that I thought about taking all the pills I have to sleep here at home, which I have because psoriasis wouldn't let me sleep at night. but come on, I'm not brave enough.

I'm not miserable enough. I'm not hardworking enough. and the worst, I'm not brave enough.

just a complete failure on all counts.

and damn, I was starting to do so well on the stage. I'm like 3 months away, but I've finally been able to start to come out of my shell and engage with colleagues in the department. everyone is so nice. it's going to be so hard if I extend it until the contract time (6 months) and then have to say goodbye when I'm attached to them.

I'm kind of social and introspective, so it wasn't easy to make progress at first. but I was walking.

and now i'm falling. again.

[anerdyfeminist]

Very long and self-centered work rant incoming.

I know I've referenced a few things about what a hard and weird time it is at work and honestly I've only said about 5% of the truth of what all I'm carrying and that is going on. The ambiguity around what happens w/ my role, in particular, is killing me. I'm not at risk of losing my job, but a major leadership transition is looming and it's all very confusing. The cut to the chase is that I don't know what my role actually is in the new FY, which starts in 3 weeks now. It's a total shit show and in the process, I've discovered that I could be making almost twice what I make now at different nonprofits in fundraising, in positions that carry about 1/3 the responsibility and weight of other people's roles/livelihoods, etc. (It really is true when you are someone who STAYS you get penalized financially.)

I've loved this mission and this team for nearly 14 years now but IDK how much longer I can wait through all this bullshit. Someone I know from the Austin nonprofit world reached out to me to offer me free career coaching bc she's getting her certification and needs guinea pigs and I don't mind being one because I just need HELP and some outside perspective on what I actually want to do as I am 18 years into my nonprofit career at this point.

At our last session she asked me if I ever think about what's best for me instead of constantly focusing in on what's best for this organization and like I knew that's a problem for me but I didn't KNOW-know it until she said it. It's sitting really heavy for me.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I'm going to for a second. I'm really good at my job. Like REALLY REALLY GOOD. Like award winning in my industry good. Like has a reputation as one of the few very healthy mangers/team leads of nonprofit fundraising in Austin good. (All 3 of my current direct reports at different times have told me they'll also plan their exits when I go, and I've successfully retained all of them for 5-10 years depending on when they joined.) Like have been attempted headhunted many times but haven't ever wanted to leave this mission before good. Like I wanted to see what's out there that may want me, and I've gotten 3 interviews w/in 2-3 days of contacting some recruiters or putting my resume out there good.

And it's all just making me so fucking sad because I don't WANT to leave, but I DO want to feel appreciated and seen and make the kind of money my peers are, for doing FAR FAR less work....or to at least feel as recognized by my current employer as I do these prospective new ones for how obviously awesome and valuable I am.

I've always been an authority-pleaser (ugh abuse baggage.) I've damaged myself tenaciously reaching goals that were too much, too hard, etc. I've been working now for 25 years in some form or another and I'm consistently told I'm a top performer...so why don't I feel like it here and now??? I started working as a babysitter and tutor when I was like 13, and I began pulling down "real" paychecks when I turned 16. Across the dozens of jobs I've had, I've never had a single corrective action taken against me...I've never been written up or fired. I barely have any listed areas of "needs improvement" on any of my reviews across ALL TIME. I don't say all of this because it's how i believe employees should act, but because I just want to paint a picture for you as to what a dream I am to have on a team because my sense of self-worth has been toxicly linked to what I do/produce and if I can get an A, and if the teacher/boss/lead loves me, since Day 1.

And HEY KIDS, GUESS WHAT??? It hasn't been worth it!!!!!

Thankfully, I do get to take care of myself fairly well in my current organization's culture and I do take time off and I don't have to pull crazy hours. But I also carry and "produce" and take care of way more than anyone else in my side of the org. Way more than anyone SHOULD. It's been admitted to me several times by leadership that I am "the agency's most precious human resource" (even if they don't make me feel that way by how I'm compensated or treated when it comes to this ambiguity.) But carrying this much means I've probably had 2-3 true incidents of burnout w/ my org in the pushing 14 years I've been with them, but I always somehow found a way to recover and get back to happiness or at least contentment.

I'm not sure if that's possible for me now, and it's largely due to the fact that our board doesn't know what they're doing and they are torturing someone who they really really depend on for the agency to stay afloat w/ unnecessary ambiguity. I'm drowning in the ambiguity.

[shyspider]

I appreciate it, but I like reading your writing. I just need to work up to read *spicy* chapters. Which, because I haven't read in a while and haven't been 100% myself, I can't currently do, unfortunately 😔

Plus, my memory is shot enough that I am gonna end up rereading both books so I can tell clearly what's going on, lol. I do love authors like you who make the *spice* optional, and I do tend to take that option quite often, but I will readily admit its typically with far more /human/ characters that I do so with. History and all that, lol.

It's just been a really funky time, and a more physically taxing job is making my poor immune system laugh maniacally. With how companies tend to ask that you essentially work yourself to death, I have been making poor decisions. As in, continuing to go in to work, despite the fact that I am immediately going to bed sick every time I get home. I got sent home today because being too dizzy to stand properly still, whilst simultaneously having absolutely zero thermoregulation, is not good when working in a warehouse. Sorry for dumping in your inbox, same as when I am too excited, I am currently lacking social awareness of if this is appropriate or not.

Having said that, sorry again for just dumping all this on you, I am so far out kf it that I really don't even know if I am properly awake or not.

~Smooch

Social awareness be damned. I may overstep here, but I'll regret it more if I don't share with you something personal about me. What you said is a little triggering, because I nearly worked myself to death for a company that didn't care about my health. It sounds like you're burning out, if not already burnt out. Not trying to diagnose anything, but what you're saying sounds very familiar.

I'm going to ramble under the cut. Let's dump on each other, together.

It sounds crazy, but most of what you've said sounds like what I went through with my last job. It burned me out to where I was a completely different person. I lost interest in the things that made me happy and I stopped caring about my health. I had chronic ocular migraines, constant stomach pains, and I hated myself. I was not in a good mental space. I was burnt out.

No one gave me the help I needed or told me what to look for, or what was available to me. No one told me about FMLA, or medical leave, or mental health leave. No one told me about health programs to help my autoimmune disorder, or what a toxic work environment was. I didn't know buzzwords like 'harassment' and a 'hostile workplace'. I'd call off, but no one would cover my work, give me shit for being sick all the time, and I never wanted to kick up a fuss because I didn't think I could. I'd sob in my car, both heading to work and leaving. There were so many things I should've done. I had to quit, because it was either my life or my job. I was lucky I had some people to financially help me in between.

This may not be the same for you, but what does sound similar is that you're not thinking of yourself, first. I've made poor decisions and all those choices led up to letting myself get bad. It took 4 years to undo all that. I can go months without a migraine, now. I'm finally in remission. I see a therapist. I actually love myself and feel better and doing the things that interest me. (There are always problems here and there, but nothing like before)

Try your best to make the changes to protect future you. I don't know what kind of company you work for, but learn your options. Protect yourself. If you're able to see a doctor for a chronic condition, get FMLA to protect yourself and your paycheck. See if you are able to take a mental health leave, if you need it. See what EPA programs are available to you. Human Resources (which most companies have) is required to give you this information, but you have to request it. You said you work in a warehouse? Know your rights. My bet, OSHA will have your back.

Take care of yourself now so you don't have to spend years putting yourself back together, later. There is literally only one of you in this world, and you are precious and unique and loved. You don't need to respond. Get some rest. Listen to some music. Think about things.

[excitingrbl]

it'll be two years next month...

...that I've been legally divorced.

I knew it was definitely the end in 2016. meaning, there would be no more reconciling or attempts to for the greater good of the family. the other party had some other agenda still in mind because no matter how clear I was that a divorce was needed, I was met with resistance until 2020. that logically tallies up to be only 4 years but I stated that we should get a divorce after we had been married a year. I was told that I was giving up too easily.

if you haven't heard this from anyone else, please listen when I say that choosing to walk away from abuse (doesn't matter the kind; walk away from it) and/or toxic behavior that is not changing is not just giving up. there is no right way to stay in a harmful situation, mentally, physically, otherwise. unfortunately, if your partner isn't leaving visible bruises, scars, or causing obvious signs of neglect, people will minimize your shit. as hard as it may be to get through that alone, I do encourage pushing through.

it'll be two years next month that I've been legally divorced with the ex-husband having a child support decree of $182/per month. since he wasn't working at the time of the divorce, the amount was based on his attained education. since we've been divorced, he's had 3 different jobs. I haven't taken him back to court. he also went back to school and if I'm not mistaken, has completed whatever he returned for so that means more education. I haven't taken him back to court.

because I don't want the hassle of court, as long as he pays what he was decreed to pay, he'll hear nothing from me. does my daughter deserve more support than this? OF FUCKING COURSE. she deserves emotional support from BOTH of her parents. she deserves financial support from BOTH of her parents. before anyone says the $182 IS financial support, sure. however, anyone actively raising a child full-time knows that $182 is insulting to the amount required to provide for a child every month. so when he doesn't pay or pay on time, it's a reminder of how much he doesn't care.

he didn't decide out of the kindness of his heart to give me $182 a month to contribute to the raising of his child. he pays it because the court told him he has to as a result of us getting divorced. during the divorce, I found out that he pays two of the mothers he had children with after our daughter, $200 a piece. even more of an insult that there's not even a thought of rounding up $18. I pause when this thought crosses my mind because if he was truly paying the other mothers $200 a month but didn't even care to send anything for our daughter until he was told he had to, what makes me think he gives a fuck enough to round up? silly me.

why didn't I seek child support prior to the divorce is a question I've been asked here and there. the amount of mental stress required to follow through with everything wasn't ever worth it to me. the paperwork alone is enough to fuel whatever rage I have tucked away to keep moving forward. 21 pages of a document asking the basic of questions but because they're so basic, it's a constant poking of the bear kind of thing. there's also a chance that I will have to prove he's the father, beyond the birth certificate. even more insulting and a reminder that I was once involved with someone who really don't give a fuck about nobody but himself.

I'm also reminded that he's supposed to pay 50% of all our daughter's medical bills. he doesn't because I don't send him the bills. he didn't have a job so what good would it do? we're supposed to tell each other whenever we move and give each other the new addresses. I still don't have a address of where he lives to this day. I even reminded him when I moved. nothing.

these are all things for which I can take him back to court. however, it will be on my dime. much like literally everything else. the divorce he refused for years, included. so I often sit and ask myself "is going to court worth it?" and because he knows this much about me, he "safely" assumes I won't take him to court. stress is a major trigger to my diabetes being unmanageable so these assumptions are no longer safe to make. I shouldn't have to remind a father to pay a crumb of financial support every month. not even once should I have to remind a father to give a fuck, even if it is a small one. especially when no one has to remind me to provide for our child every day, week, month, year of her life.

and when we reduce this entire post down to that, it's clear to see why I asked for the divorce the first time, 10 years ago. no one should have to remind you to take care of anyone you claim to love. if you need reminders, you might also need to sit with your definitions of love and priorities.

[marshmallowprotection]

So I don't usually vent to strangers on the internet, never have before at all actually. But your page is just radiating with amazing vibes and you're such a safe space. I always read your work and it makes me so happy.

Today was...yikes. and it's only really begun. For about two weeks now I've been going back and forth with a girl about working for her, she interviewed me and seemed to like me, and hired me. Well then I gave her my number and she took a while to text me even though she was supposed to the next day. Finally she says hi, I reply back and then I hear nothing when I needed to know what time I was supposed to come in on the day she set up for me to start ! Heard nothing. 6 days go by and she says sorry I have to reschedule you. I'm like no big deal! I understand and I look forward to working with you on the new day which was meant to be today.

Fast forward to this morning I'm running on 4 hours of sleep because I was so nervous last night to go to bed early, and I spend an hour getting ready. No texts, no calls from this girl, so I'm assuming we are still on. I drive all the way over there and get in 10 minutes early.

Immediately she sees me and ignores me, talking with her other worker and a customer who I could tell must have been a good friend of hers. I stand there for a bit waiting patiently when she turns to me and says I'll get you situated in a moment I have to use the bathroom. So I start chatting with the other worker, we talk about her necklace that I thought was cute.

And this is where is goes downhill.

The girl comes out of the bathroom and immediately starts in with "I'm so sorry to do this to you" and goes on to tell me that financially she can't afford me and that she has to send me home. In front of everyone, in the middle of the shop. First of all, if you can't afford me WHY LEAD ME ON?? WHY LET ME DRIVE THERE, WHY NOT AT LEAST CALL OR TEXT ME THIS MORNING??? Then she has the nerve to say in April she may contact me back if I'm still interested. Absolutely not.

I'm a disabled college student. Finding work is so hard and I finally thought I had the courage and ability to get a job and this was how I was treated? I'm embarrassed, angry and upset. She should have called, or maybe never hired me at all. And she certainly shouldn't have told me to go home in front of everyone there. I could actually cry rn.

Thinking so hard about how my amazing fictional bf Saeran would comfort me and how my bestie and future brother in law Saeyoung would crack stupid jokes to cheer me up and also help me find this lady's bosses number so I could be petty, call and tell them just how unprofessional she handles this business.

Anyways that's my little vent. You're such a light on this app and I really truly adore your work and how you treat others. You deserve a lot of good in your life and I hope it comes to you. I'll call myself 🧼 soap anon if that's not already a thing on your page, that way if I ever come back to chat with you (prob no more vents ??? I just wanna shower you in appreciation and Choi Twin brainrot) or even come off anon I can be identified. :)) have a wonderful day, please.

I'm sorry to hear that someone led you on, Soap Anon! It's hard enough to get by in our society when someone tells you that you didn't get a job. It's even harder when someone leads you on and makes you waste your gas money on nothing.

That stuff isn't cheap! If she knew there would be no way to pay you, she should've said it the very second she realized it for a fact and told you over the phone. It saves not only her time and embarrassment but your time as well.

That's no way to treat another person. I'm angry for you!

Being disabled is hard enough because society is designed to force you into poverty here in America by giving you things below the bare minimum. They nickel and dime you because they think they can and I hate that shit. Saeran wouldn't let that slide, you're right. Nobody is allowed to lead someone on for no reason. It's one thing if you think you can take on work, and it's another to realize you can't by the time you do the books.

Just be upfront with people and say, "I'm sorry, but I can give you this job right now. The business is tight. I might be able to help you later on if the money changes, thank you for your interest," over the phone! Literally. There was a way to handle this and this woman ain't shit. I can't suspect her motives or choices, but that was a horrible way to do somebody over.

Saeran would comfort you. He would wrap you in a blanket and bring you something warm to drink so you can cry and work through your emotions with him. He'd coax you into taking a day off so you can do what you need to. Cry and rest. Whereas, Saeyoung would waste not a second in getting payback for you. If you consent. He can make the world know not to work for this woman because she treats workers like that.

No excuse to lead someone on because they made some kind of mistake and don't want to own up to their mistake! Just be upfront! Don't make Saeyoung dismantle you to ribbons for treating his family like garbage. Because he can and will do that. You can always count on Saeran and Saeyoung to make you feel respected. If nothing else.