#which was very apt for us at the time

[silmist-art]

Petals flutter down, sun rays settle in the crowd

Faces shinging in the light, as we say goodbye

---

[Summer Days]

Sunshine Squarewave EP (by 8-Bit Bloom) 3/3

[itsalwaysdark]

and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4

[nomaishuttle]

now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .

[foggysirens]

.

[fucktoyfelix]

This is actually a useful thing to understand how to spell out. What exactly is wrong with puritanical attitudes towards sexuality? TW: Discusses body image issues, suicide, STIs, sexual assault etc

1. It fosters fear, disgust and loathing of our bodies. By hiding the human body as soon as we are born, and treating it as an object of inherent shame: THAT creates trauma. Shame is one of the primary sources of trauma, its the fuel and lets trauma burn. Those raised in nudist societies, and children raised in households where nudity is treated in a neutral and non-sexual tend to have a much more positive relationship with their bodies as adults. This makes complete sense when you think about it. Going through puberty not knowing if your body is "normal" terrifies children in ways that stick with them for life. In fact, most cultures outside of the Unites States aren't as strange about non-sexual nudity actually...and are healthier for it. We can't have body positivity as long as we are literally criminalized for having an uncovered body. 2. It creates fear, shame and disgust about sex. Most people have sex at some point in their lives. No one would be here at all without it. Most people have sexual desires which lie outside their control. When people are ashamed of those desires, it leads to self hatred, and depression and anxiety. This shame is just as traumatic as bodily shame. When sex is normalized, and treated with the same candor as any other hobby: it becomes less apt to traumatize people.

3. Puritanical attitudes towards sex limit sex education. When people are too ashamed to talk about sex, people don't learn about pregnancy, stis, or consent. All of these things can and do kill people when they aren't addressed with an open dialogue.

Sexual shame leads to people too ashamed to buy condoms, to talk to their doctor about birth control, to ask their partner to use protection, to get tested...the negative health impacts of sexual puritanism have a massive negative effect on society.

4. Sexual shame leads to poorer communication in relationships. Ohh if I had a dime for every person i knew who ruined their relationship because they felt too guilty to talk to their partner about their sexual feelings...Not just that, but the general body shame that comes with puritanism blocks people from connecting to one another too. Have you ever avoided getting close to someone because you were ashamed of your body? If not, I guarantee you know someone who has.

5. Misogyny! Puritanical sexual believes hold that women are not capable of sexual agency. That only men should initiate sex. That women should only ever want babies and not pleasure from sex. All of this rolls right into the next one:

6. Victim blaming in sexual assault. When women are the gatekeepers of sex, its easy to blame them when they 'fail' to protect their chastity when someone violates their trust. This isn't something that just effects women: as the same attitudes hold that men are not capable of experiencing sexual assault. The lack of education and discussion about sex in a sex-negative world inherently prevent the open dialogues necessary for creating and maintaining consent culture.

7. Suppression and marginalization of the queer community. If we're too ashamed to talk about sex, we'll be too ashamed to talk about sexuality. Puritans can't accept any deviation from gender norms either. Anything other than sex between a cis man and a cis woman for the purpose of making a baby is a deviant kink, a mental illness, and needs to be wiped out. Its important to point out that many queer people hold puritanical values about sex: believing that they can achieve sex negativity and queer liberation at the same time. However, sex negative movements always rise with censorship and discrimination of queer people...because queer people are inherently considered deviant by the vast majority of sex negative "allies". It's very dangerous to forget this.

8. Censorship of art. Who decides what is sexual and what is not? Its easy to agree that sex needs to be hidden...but it never takes long before the definition of what is "sexual" expands. Even women's breasts are considered sexual in the United States. Its so normal for Americans to think of them that way that women can't feed their children in public. Drag queens face violence for reading at libraries. Books get taken off the shelves. Artists are bullied offline.

9. Censorship of scientific exploration. Scientific research into reproductive health, sexual behavior, gender identity and more are often hindered due to the "moral objections" of puritans, delaying progress and understanding. That's just off the top of my head. I think its time for people to take how problematic 'puritanism' is more seriously. As we see fascism rear its ugly head all over the world, we're going to see a lot more talk about 'degenerates'...and we know where that kind of talk leads.

[huginsmemory]

On ad astra per aspera ✨

Can we talk about the repeated use of ad astra per aspera? Cause uhhhh it shows up twice, once on the website and once in the Book of Bill, and OH BOY this has connotations, both for Bill and Ford's relation in the literal and figurative meaning on the word, and for Bill's own history:

(extra addition added 16/09/2024! 🌝 )

First, in the website (if I recall correctly) if the phrase ad astra per aspera is inputted into the computer, you get the two pages on Bill's 'funeral':

And within, in the pages, at the very end before signing there names is the phrase itself (highlighted in red) .

Secondly, a joke version of it is seen in the Book Of Bill, specifically on the night where Bill and Ford fucked 'one thing led to another':

In this one, it's clearly a joke off of aspirin used for his hangover, used again to close the entry.

Now the phrase ad astra per aspera itself means 'through suffering to the stars', which also has... wider connotations then just these two piece alone, which I'll unpack later. But first, the interesting choice of connection of these two pieces;

Both times the phrases occur, they occur closing the entry; a bit too much of a coincidence to me (and in this fandom there is no such thing as a coincidence). Considering that the 'one thing led to another' night is a night that was important to their relationship as it hints at the intimacy they had with each other, it showing up again in Ford's 'funeral' entry about Bill feels very much like an allusion to that night. Especially considering in the funeral entry Ford is very open about how much he cared about Bill, with how he at one point "considered him the centre of his life". The entry from Ford reads as someone who is moving on, and part of this is acknowledgement of the grief and sadness for the more positive part of the abusive relationship that he lost. As a result, having him acknowledge the intimacy of their relationship, it makes sense for him to tongue in cheek allude back to his first writing down of the phrase, where they were quite clearly implied to fuck be intimate.

While it alludes to their Bill and Ford's intimacy, the literal and metaphorical meaning of the phrase also rings true here; through suffering to the stars. If we talk literally, then through Ford's relationship with Bill, something that ultimately was full of suffering, he built the portal, and ended up wandering the myriad worlds out there in space; one may say out there among the stars. He literally was out there wandering the stars as a result of suffering.

Now metaphorically, the phrase means through suffering/adversity one gains beautiful/worthwhile things. Considering this entry is Ford moving on from Bill, this is very apt; again, their relationship caused Ford immense suffering, and as he is now letting that relationship and suffering go, he's instead prioritizing creating healthy relationships with Stanley, the other twins and Fiddleford (the something beautiful and worthwhile part!). In fact, the entry on Bill's funeral is half on him strengthening his relationship with Mabel, the shooting star, another layer of wordplay; case in point about the healthy relationships. He's weathered through his abusive relationship, to discover and create a loving family.

It doesn't quite end there however; although that's fairly it for specifically Ford and Bill's relationship, we also haven't talked about what the stars mean to Bill himself. Which, well; it's very clearly implied that Bill accidentally killed everyone in his dimension in an attempt to show his parents (and other people in his dimension) the stars. And on top of that, to quote; "I looked up and saw the stars. And I was ready to become one of them". Which he then in a way, becomes, considering the page in journal 3 on constellations, in which Ford remarks that one of his favourite constellations is the constellation 'William' (obviously Bill). It's a bittersweet immortalization of himself after everything that occurs around trying to see the stars for Bill.

So I find it very interesting that for Ford, a phrase about suffering and stars is something he ends up correlating to his relationship with Bill, considering that to Bill, to get to the stars is something he deeply suffered for as a result. It's also important to note that Bill's suffering was something that occurred out of love, and ultimately an attempt to be understood and create a deeper relationship with his parents where they could trust him. And then for Ford, all this while later, to look up to the stars (to see them) and to see the Bill constellation and go 'oh that's one of my favourites' is fulfillment. Because Ford during that time trusted and cared deeply for Bill, fulfilling that relationship of trust, love and understanding(at least surface level, considering the way they banter together), that Bill had yearned for when he was younger and killed his plane.

So all in all(tldr): ad aspera per astra, (through suffering the stars), is quite the fun phrase to unpack in regards to Bill and Ford's relationship, considering the deliberate reference to the phrase on the entry about the night 'where one thing led to another' and Bill's funeral entry. The phrase is a combination of references; tongue in cheek allusion to the intimacy, but also references to the literal (space fugitive) and figurative (abusive relationship, to loving family again pipeline) hardships Ford endured as a result of the relationship. There is also irony in the way that Ford seems to correlate this phrase about suffering and stars with Bill and his relationship, considering that out of an effort to be understood and share the stars with his parents, Bill accidentally killed his whole dimension; later he also made a constellation of himself. As well, as Ford says that one of his favourite constellations is a constellation that's clearly Bill in Journal 3, it alludes to that Bill's wish to show his parents the stars and be recognized is fulfilled by Ford (pre-portal incident that is).

EDIT: extra details added on the constellation piece as of Aug 14 2024 (less than 24 hours after og posting, because I'm deranged). Big thanks to @bowl-o-nudel for the nudge :)

Edit (16/09/2024): I've had a few people say that the saying has appeared in Journal 3 multiple times, and having reread journal 3, to my delight it is indeed correct! And oh the CONTEXT they give. The two instances are those seem below; the first appearance in the title page of Journal 3, and second time is a page from when the twins graduate.

As well as all the parallels of how the phrase is applied for both Bill and Ford, as @zoizyboigy suggested, it seems to be a phrase that Ford takes as his own motto. It seems to be a highly personal motto to him; after all, they all are written around important turning moments in Ford's life; graduating, the journals which where to be his ticket to fame, fucking a triangle finding acceptance and intimacy with Bill , and lastly, moving on in his life from Bill and his destructive obsession with recognition. 

And it makes sense WHY this motto is one that is highly personal to Ford; the first time it is seen chronologically is when he's graduating, chosen when he believes he's going to be accepted into the university. It's a motto he chose because he was excited, because he thought he was already through his suffering and arriving to the stars of his fancy university, where validation and acceptance would abound; only that doesn't happen, and the suffering part within the motto is the only thing that's accurate, especially as that's when he rejects Stan. It's a motto chosen in celebration, that becomes a reminder of the failure to become someone who is accepted and important (and his prioritization of validation over relationships); it's now something he holds that reminds him of the validation he believes he deserves and he obsessively chases. 

And that's why you see it in the journal pages, because these journals are going to change his life, he's going to become finally a person of importance and be accepted with the information he's compiled in the journals. And in the same way, you see it after Bill (and interdimensional being of ancient knowledge) and him are intimate; he's become someone of importance to Bill, he's been accepted by Bill, even attractive to Bill (romance Ford seems to have terrible luck in).

And that's why you see it at the end of Ford's farewell to Bill; it's another turning point, it's Ford letting his obsession with world validation go which characterized it's meaning from the beginning, Ford letting go of his relationship with Bill, which it also came to mean, and instead celebrates his acceptance within his family and the strengthening of those bonds, and of prioritizing healthy, loving relationships.

Ps, if you enjoyed this meta post, I've also made another one, on exceptionalism!

[matan4il]

An incomplete "there's a good chance the icon you love and support is a Zionist" list

🌟 Raphael Lemkin, a Jewish Holocaust survivor, whose family was murdered during it. Lemkin is responsible for coining the term "genocide," and for every legal provision that exists today against it. His work against genocide was inspired by his Zionism.

🌟 Martin Luther King, Jr., who did not only support Israel and its right to security, a fellow participant at a dinner with MLK shortly before his assassination quotes him as having stopped a student attacking Zionism, and replied, "When people criticize Zionists, they mean Jews. You’re talking antisemitism." He also encouraged Americans in 1967 to support the Jewish state, as Egypt blockaded the Straits of Tiran, endangering Israeli citizens by cutting the country off from its oil supply.

🌟 Emma Lazarus, a Jewish American poet, whose words ("Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free") are engraved on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal, after they helped raise the money needed for its completion. Drawing from the value of Jewish solidarity, she also wrote, "Until we are all free, we are none of us free," adopted as a slogan by intersectionality (while many in the movement exclude Jews from it). She was a great supporter of establishing a state for Jews in the Jewish homeland, having argued for this idea years before the word "Zionist" was even coined.

🌟 The 14th Dalai Lama, the leader of the fight against the occupation of Tibet, who was invited in 1994 to Israel, at a time when China's communist regime did its best to prevent his visits anywhere in the world, and who came to Israel more than once, talking about the 2000 years long Zionism of Jewish culture in exile as an inspiration and role model for Tibetans. "Among Tibetan refugees, we are always saying to ourselves that we must learn the Jewish secret to keep our traditions, in some cases under hostile circumstances."

🌟 Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who spoke more than once about how her pursuit of justice is a continuation of that very same thing in Jewish tradition. She had repeatedly referred to American Zionist Jews as sources of inspiration. For example, in 2018, during her fifth visit to Israel, in a speech she gave when receiving the Genesis Award, she mentioned two such women, Emma Lazarus and Henrietta Szold.

🌟 Nelson Mandela had an ambivalent view of Israel, but repeatedly recognized its right to exist, which makes him a Zionist, he also called upon Arab states to do the same, and was favorable towards the Zionist Jews who supported him during his underground days. Mandela being critical of Israel and still a Zionist is an apt reminder that criticizing the Jewish state and opposing its very existence are NOT the same thing, and only one's antisemitic.

🌟 Felix Salten, the Jewish author of Bambi (the book Disney's movie is based on). The tale was originally a metaphor for Jews suffering antisemitism, something Salten personally had to cope with. He was also an ardent Zionist, feeling the self-liberation at the core of this ideology suited his idea of how to deal with Jew hatred.

🌟 Sun Yat-Sen, who helped end the rule of China's last imperial dynasty, was its first provisional president, and is nowadays honored as an important Chinese leader in both China and Taiwan (sometimes referred to as "Father of the Chinese Nation"). He was an enthusiastic supporter of Zionism. Among other instances of expressing that, he wrote in a 1920 letter to a leader of the Jewish community in Shang Hai about Zionism that it is, "one of the greatest movements of the present time. All lovers of Democracy cannot help but support wholeheartedly and welcome with enthusiasm the movement to restore your wonderful and historic nation, which has contributed so much to the civilization of the world and which rightfully deserves an honorable place in the family of nations."

🌟 Magnus Hirschfeld, a gay Jewish sexologist, nicknamed among other things "The Einstein of Sex" and "The Father of Gay Liberation," because his medical and scientific work on human sexuality, as well as social advocacy for women's, gay and trans rights, was nothing short of pioneering. He was persecuted by the Nazis to the point where he died in exile. They broke into his institute of sexual research, where the world's first clinic performing sex reassignments surgeries was located, and burned down the institute's library. Hirschfeld had attended a Zionist conference following the Balfor Declaration of 1917, and his work on sexual liberation found inspiration in young socialist Jewish Zionist workers he met during a visit to the Land of Israel in 1931-2.

🌟 Marcia Langton, a professor and prominent Aboriginal rights activist from Australia, who has been leading the fight against racism and for her community. She spoke out against the hijacking of native rights movements by terrorist sympathizers and antisemites, and has clearly stood against all loss of life, including that of Israelis.

🌟 Felix Zandman, a Holocaust survivor whose work on resistors is integrated into many smartphones, laptops, cars, satellites, hospital ventilators (saving many Covid patients), airplanes and more. Whenever the anti-Israel crowd is scrolling social media on their phones, they're enjoying the work of a Zionist, who enthusiastically supported the State of Israel, and even introduced an important improvement to the Israeli Merkava tank, which has likely saved many Israeli lives, Jewish and non-Jewish alike, and others like him, since Israel's high tech is considered only second to Silicon Valley (going back to at least the 1990's). If they truly wish to boycott everything that's been "contaminated" by Zionism, they should probably just boycott technology.

🌟 Rosa Parks, an African American leader of the civil rights movement (and someone who personally demonstrated how one can resist without turning violent). She was one of 200 notable black American leaders who publicly organized to express their support and respect of Zionism as the Jewish right to self-determination, and Israel as the manifestation of that right.

-> Like I said, this is VERY incomplete, even just in terms of how the overwhelming majority of Jews are Zionist, and have been since the inception of Judaism, which is itself Zionist. Over the years, this led to many non-Jewish human and native rights champions to be supportive of Zionism, too. Take note of who is being vilified, when the term "Zionist" is ignorantly used as if it means anything other than belief in the equal right of Jews to liberation and self-determination in the Jewish ancestral land. Especially when it is used as being inherently evil.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[wolfywolfy]

I love how Astarion quotes The Tell-Tale Heart every once in a while. It's a rarer line, and initially I thought it was out of place (Neil is very well versed in theater, so I assumed it was a riff from him), but since reading an analysis of the work I think it was pretty purposeful.

The piece is all about fear and paranoia, things we know Astarion is plagued by despite how he might act. Similarly, the narrator of the story also tries to convince the reader that they are not as troubled as they seem. In the end, the narrator is consumed by the beating of the heart of the old man he killed and dismembered, the sound growing louder and louder until in a fit of rage he reveals the body to the police to absolve himself from the persistent beating.

Except the police never heard the heart beat, because it wasn't the old man's heart at all. The narrator was consumed by the sound of his own heart beating more and more rapidly in his chest from fear. He was the owner of the thing that forced him to reveal his true nature, he is the owner of the tell-tale heart.

And what happens with Astarion after you romance him? He realizes over time that, while he tried to deny his feelings and was initially only interested in manipulating you for his own means, he actually has grown to care for you. You have done something to his heart that hasn't happened in centuries, you have made it feel as if it has started beating again.

Therefore, his tell-tale heart leads him to admit his transgressions, which were committed out of fear and paranoia for his safety.

So the line is actually very, very apt. His confession during Act 2 is his own version of "Villains! Dissemble no more! I admit the deed! Tear up the planks! Here, here! It is the beating of his hideous heart!" Except, of course, it is his own heart that he is unearthing for us (and it's not so hideous, after all).

[lime-bloods]

I honestly didn't ever expect that I'd be in the position where I'd be using this blog not just to analyse what has come before in Homestuck, but to look toward the comic's future and do some real old-fashioned theorycrafting. but the time has come. so here goes; lime-bloods' Beyond Canon theories as of the July 6th 2024 update:

Vriska's Going to Hell

were all gonna help you! / whether you like it or not

a select few eagle-eyed readers already noticed that the sound used in last month's (Vriska: Figure shit out yourself.) is called "hell_tierwav". while it was easy to dismiss this as irrelevant composer shenanigans at the time, it's now become clear exactly what this was foreshadowing. whether it would be more apt to call this "Hell" or "Purrgatory" is probably up for debate - but whatever you call it, Vriska's been placed in a dimension seemingly tailored specifically for her personal torment.

while Vriska characteristically interprets the recreation of her childhood home as a symbol of how badass she was, the ghosts of her past - both literal, as the shades of the trolls she killed as Mindfang, and figurative, in the form of sprites wearing the faces of her dead friends - show us in no uncertain terms that Vriska's childhood home is the stage where traumas play out.

Erisolsprite puts it succinctly with his welcome to hell, but pay close attention to what exactly we're being welcomed to: this update ends on page 665. so as of this next update, we'll be starting on page 666.

Does Homestuck Have Hell?

the exact bubble of reality Vriska's currently found herself in seems to be an entirely new construction of the likes we've not yet seen in Homestuck - but that doesn't mean this kind of cosmic torment is without precedent. because while 666 is a number with Satanic connotations in the broader cultural context, it also has a very particular meaning of its own within the world of Homestuck. indeed, the latter half of the comic almost revolves around it, culminating in a climax in Act 6 Act 6 Act 6.

specifically, this repetition of a single digit is emblematic of recursive storytelling. to summarise what you can already read about in detail in my essay The World / The Wheel: when Caliborn is 'gifted' the Act 6 Act 6 supercartridge, which he is told is an "expansion" of Homestuck, it's a trick. there is no "expansion"; he's going to be trapped in a story that never ends because it keeps dividing into smaller and smaller versions of itself forever. the only way to truly beat the devil who trapped the heroes within a story is to trap him in his own story.

that's what Caliborn's "Hell" is, and that's also exactly what the Alternate Calliope achieved in Act 7 by creating the black hole which Vriska knocked Lord English into, ending Homestuck's story - something that Calliope even hints at in this very update, when she refers to the black hole as "containment"; not an accident, but a deliberately crafted prison. black holes are a symbol of recursion and regression; being sucked into one means being forced to live out your whole life over and over again, forever. so really, this is all we ever could have expected to happen when Vriska stepped into a black hole within a black hole! the presentation of the narrative even subtly hints at this; events in Beyond Canon that take place in the black hole are enclosed (in brackets), and now events that take place in a black hole-within-a-black-hole are contained within {curly brackets}, because you should always use a different kind of brackets to differentiate nested parenthesis from each other!

it is absolutely no coincidence that when Caliborn closes the curtains on his appearances in Homestuck, thinking he's won when really he's been condemned to a hell of his own making forever more, it's with a tribute to this exact same Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff strip.

IF YOU REMEMBER JUST ONE THING I SAY, OF SO MANY GREAT THINGS SAID BY ME, THEN PLEASE REMEMBER THIS. I WANTED TO PLAY A GAME.

So What Does That Mean?

one of Beyond Canon's central missions is expanding upon Homestuck's exploration of the relationships between author, text, and audience. as discussed above, a large part of Homestuck's thesis is the evil of forcing characters to live the same lives and the same stories over and over without the chance to grow or move on, and Beyond Canon picks up on this by placing Dirk in the position of trying to keep Homestuck going forever purely to appease its fans, while the Alternate Calliope continues to oppose this ideology. and while the alpha Calliope outwardly seems not to have taken a hard position on where she stands in this cosmic battle, the question posed by her device seems to be an entirely new one: can it actually be a good thing to regress, to return to ground that the story has already covered? can this path lead to something new, rather than merely stagnation?

it's so relevant that Vriska is being confronted with the crimes of her past, not only in the form of all the trolls she was personally responsible for killing but also in the form of the exact same punishment she condemned Lord English to with her heroism - complete with the herd of horses that are always present at Caliborn's demise! but where being condemned to an eternal cycle was fitting punishment for Caliborn, someone who refuses to break free of cycles of abuse and instead chooses to enact that same abuse on the world around him... if Vriska is someone who can break free of these cycles, who can change and become a better person despite what happened to her, will this punishment have the same effect? or, as Davepeta seems to believe, is forcing Vriska to reckon with her own past and traumas exactly what will allow her to break free of that cycle?

DAVE: [...] ill just be over here in the hyper gravity chamber training to beat lord english KARKAT: WE HAVE A HYPER GRAVITY CHAMBER???

it's hard not to be struck by the parallels in design and purpose between the Plot Point and Dragon Ball's Hyperbolic Time Chamber, and not just because of the Dragon Ball enthusiasts present on Beyond Canon's writing and art teams: albeit in typically Strider-bastardised form, the Time Chamber got a shoutout in Andrew Hussie's own Homestuck (see quote above), in a reference that was even picked up on by prolific theorist bladekindeyewear at the time. for the uninitiated: the Hyperbolic Time Chamber allowed its users to train for extended stretches of time, sometimes even spanning years, while a significantly smaller time period passed in the world outside - something that is actually true of real-life black holes! and with the Plot Point's own emphasis on time, represented by the hourglass included among its mechanisms, it seems to me that an essential part of making the 16-year-old Vriska ready for the trials ahead will be giving her the time to undergo the same growth her adult friends have experienced.

considering that Beyond Canon is already playing in the Ultimate Self space, where there are levels of power beyond merely the "god tiers", it also doesn't seem too farfetched to speculate that Vriska, forced to reckon with the fact that becoming a powerful Thief of Light isn't the be-all and end-all of personal growth, will take another leaf out of Dragon Ball's book here and ascend "beyond Super Saiyan". perhaps this is even the "hell tier" so cheekily alluded to in the Plot Point flash? certainly this kind of evolution would be the perfect way to challenge Dirk's belief that the Ultimate Self is the only logical final step for a character's development.

whatever the case, I believe we can take Davepeta at their word here. I don't think it's just a joke that by the end of this ordeal Vriska Serket is going to be fucking RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPED!

[latherinhoney]

2:00 am

(jake & heeseung - enhypen)

genre: college au

description: heeseung, jake and you have been best friends since forever, going off to the same college and even sharing an apt together. Finding time to relieve yourself can be difficult, especially living with other people since you don't want to be caught but what if it was your best friend? What if they offered to help you out in the name of being best friends and that they always help each other out no matter the situation.

5.3k words

warnings: 18+, hard smut, breeding/creampie, double penetration, anal, eating out, nipple play, some cock warming, overstim, masturbation, getting caught, use of sex toys, pet names, best friends to lovers kinda?? they just wanna fuck one another

a/n: hello hello, it's been a while since i've posted something but I had a request for a heejake x reader smut and decided why not? this is probably the longest smut i've ever worked on, it's pretty filthy lmao but as always i hope you enjoy and send me any requests! :)

--------------

The three of you had been sharing an apartment ever since they finally let you move out of the dorms your freshman year. Jake, Heeseung and you had been friends since basically forever. Everyone always said how you guys were basically attached at the hip and did everything together.

When senior year rolled around, you guys couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from one another, going to different schools so you guys agreed to apply to the same schools. Luckily fate was on your guys side and you all got accepted into the same school. 

Though you guys did have have your occasional fights and bickering, you couldn’t imagine yourself anywhere else. You all complemented each other very well and meshed together. Since you were broke college students, you obviously couldn’t splurge for the nicest apartment but you guys managed to find a 2 bedroom for an amazing price. Jake and Heeseung shared a room and they gave you the honors of having your own bedroom. 

It was great having your own room, it was decorated the way you wanted and was the perfect place for when Heeseung and Jake started getting a little too annoying. The talk of significant others and hookups came often as you would all ask each other if you could bring back someone home. Hearing the main door close and open plus the shuffling of feet. Then hearing the bedroom door close shut and the noise of the bed hitting against the wall echoing throughout the apartment. 

Jake was notorious for bringing girls back home to the apartment for his late night hookups. Considering he was at frat parties so often it was basically like was apart of a fraternity. At least once a week he was coming home with a new girl, to which he would send a text ahead of time and which meant Heeseung and you would be roomates for the night. On the other hand Heeseung wasn’t much of a hookup culture guy although his looks could say otherwise, he only par took in them occasionally. He preferred to stay in and do whatever activity he pleased over finding some girl to hookup with. Though with you, you never really participated in hookups. Only having had one serious boyfriend in your lifetime it was just something that didn’t interest you. 

Though that didn’t mean you we’re a complete angel. Hidden in the nightstand next to your bed was your collection of toys. When the guys were out of the apartment, it was your time for your fix. Thankfully you’d never been caught by Jake or Heeseung but have had very close calls. Just last week when they we’re both out of the house, you we’re riding your dildo using your vibrator, so close to hitting your peak. “Fuck” you had moaned throwing your head back. You kept the vibrator on your clit as you could feel your stomach bubbling. “Ima cum soon” you whimpered out to yourself. That’s when you heard keys moving and the main door open. You had forgotten to lock your bedroom door and there was a 50/50 chance that Heeseung would pop in. Immediately lunging up, you shut the door and locked it. That was an extremely close call. Ever since then you were extremely careful and planned out when you we’re going to masturbate to minimize the chance of them potentially walking in on you. Though as of recently they we’re home a lot more then usual and it was starting to drive you slightly insane. You hadn’t been able to find a chance to relieve yourself and it was starting to get to you. 

“ You okay?” Jake asked tilting his head. 

“I’m okay” you muttered “Just slightly irritated is all.” 

“Hmmm well what’s irritating you?” 

“Ah it’s nothing, don’t worry I’ll take care of it” 

“It doesn’t seem like nothing but if you ever need help, Heeseung and me always here for whatever it is” 

That night you lied in your bed wondering what the hell Jake meant by that. The way he had said “for whatever it is” your imagination started running wild. Did he know? Could he tell?  So many questions swirled around inside your head. Did he mean something else with different intentions? “No, this is stupid” you thought to yourself “How could I think that one of my bestest friends wanted to fuck me? Don’t be stupid” You snapped out of it and turned over on your bed and looked at the clock 2:00am. Everyone was asleep by now, so it was either going to be now or never. You looked over at your door to make sure it was closed and started slowly opened your nightstand to reveal your array of toys. 

It’d been so long since you last masturbated that you we’re becoming impatient fumbling around grabbing a toy. You quietly slid down your pants making sure that you weren’t making any noise that Jake and Heeseung could hear from the other room. You then slipped off your underwear throwing it to the side of the bed. Reaching your hand down, you started rubbing your clit. You pratically moaned at how good it felt since it’d been so long. Quickening your pace, you grew wetter and wetter. 

Moving your hand down to grab some of your arousal to continue rubbing your cilt. The noises your body were making were so lewd, that in the back of your mind you we’re praying that Heeseung or Jake wouldn’t wake up. As you continued rubbing your clit, an aching feeling grew in your core, the feeling of needing to be stuffed. You reached over to grab your dildo and aglined up with your entrance, slowly pushing it in.

It’d been a while so the stretch was a little uncomfortable but not unwelcome. Gasping at how good it felt, you continued to warm up to it until it fully slipped in. Slowly moving it in and out you started to quicken the pace. Rubbing your clit at the same time you could feel your mind slowly slipping.

Needing to bite your tongue to keep your whimpers in, you continued moving the dildo at a quickened pace. “Fuck” you whispered out, you knew you weren’t going to last much longer with the warm feeling quickly growing in your stomach. You kept going at a relentless pace, the tip of the dildo rubbing over your g-spot with every thrust. “FuckFuckFuck” you continued whispering out. The feeling in your stomach getting tighter by the second. 

While almost getting to the brink of your climax that’s when you failed to hear footsteps walking towards your door. Heeseung woke up groggy in the middle of the night, looking at his phone he saw that it was 2:00am. He set his phone back down and got out of bed to use the restroom. In his groggy state he used the restroom and went over to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and that’s when he heard it. He saw that the lights in your room we’re still dimly on and could hear noise coming from your room. He found it odd since you would usually have your lights off by this time. Finishing his glass of water, he started walking over to your room. 

He could hear noise from your room but couldn’t exactly make out what it was. Since you guys we’re so close with one another you usually didn’t have to knock on each others doors. If the doorknob was locked that’s when you knew the other person wanted privacy. That’s when Heesung opened the door, watching you about to hit your climax. He stood there frozen like a statue realizing what he had just walked into. It was too late for you stop when out of the corner of your eye you saw your bedroom door swing open, looking at Heeseung standing in your doorframe dumbfounded. 

“Fuck” you moaned out as you reached your peak arching your back off the bed. Not being able to stop you continued riding your high out until you came down from your peak. You then embarrassed reached to grab your blankets and quickly throw them over yourself. You could feel the heat on your face growing stronger from the embarrassment of getting caught. 

“Can I help you?” you breathe out slightly panting. 

“Uhmm…uhmmm” Heeseung stammers out, as his face slowly grows bright red. 

Not being able to get the words out of his mouth he steps back and slams the door shut. 

“Oh my fucking god, no way” Heeseung whispers panickedly as he rushes back to his room. He sat on the corner of his bed and processed what he just saw. You, balls deep with your dildo hitting your peak. Remembering you moaning as you reached your peak, not stopping even though he opened the door and watched what you we’re doing. The way your back arched from the bed and the way you couldn’t stop fucking yourself even when you reached your peak made Heeseung’s mind completely lose train of thought. Although he didn’t want to admit it he was turned on and found it arousing. 

Sure he always thought you we’re cute and found you attractive but never thought of pushing your guys relationship past only being best friends. Though something in his mind flipped when he saw you cumming on your bed. It was the first time he thought of wanting something more and wanted to push the boundaries of your friendship. Hearing the noise of the bedroom shut and whisper panicking from the other corner of the room, Jake also woke up from his sleep slightly panicked. 

“Hey, Heeseung what’s wrong?” He asks with a raspiness in his throat

“I can’t believe I just saw that” Heeseung says as he puts his hands up to his face. 

“What man? What happened?” 

“It’s so awkward, I don’t even know if I can tell you” 

“You know damn well there’s no awkward thing you can say in this friendship, what happened?” 

You lied under your covers completely mortified about what had just happened. You couldn’t believe that Heeseung had just caught you masturbating and literally caught you at the worst part too. You don’t even know how you we’re going to face him after this, praying a hole would open up on your bed and swallow you whole to save you from the embarrassment. “Fuck and of course it’s when I haven’t done it for a while either” you groan throwing your head back. 

“And that’s what happened” Heeeung says finally removing his hands from his face, red still decorating his face. 

“No way, oh my god” Jake laughs slightly “That must’ve been so awkward” 

“I was literally frozen dude, I couldn’t move at all, all I could do was watch” 

“Oh my god” Jake continues to laugh “But tell me this” getting slightly more serious “... was it hot…?” 

“We’re all best friends for fucks sake, I can’t be thinking like this”

“Listen, I know it’s weird but you can’t tell me you haven’t at least had the thought cross your mind?” 

“... I mean, I won’t lie and say I haven’t but still” 

“ I mean cmon Hee haven’t you seen when she walks around the apartment in those tiny ass shorts or when she wears those tight shirts with her boobs almost spilling out?” 

“..... yes….” 

“And you got hard watching her cum, right?” Jake says pointing at Heeseung’s obvious hard-on. “Listen, I told her if she needed help with anything to let us know and we can obviously tell she needs help right now so now’s the perfect opportunity” 

“Are you sure? Shouldn’t we just leave her alone I’m pretty sure she’s embarrassed” 

“She’s gonna be embarrassed regardless, might as well face the problem right now” 

“I hope your right” 

Jake and Heeseung get up and off the bed and start heading towards your room. You hear the footsteps leading towards your bedroom and curse “Fuck what could he want now” you groan not wanting to lift the sheets from up off your face. That’s when you heard a knocking from your door “can I come in?” you hear Heeseung from the other side of the door. You roll your eyes “What’s the fucking point of knocking on the door anymore” you think to yourself “Yes cmon in”. That’s when you see two people enter the room instead of one. You were even more mortified no fucking way Heeseung told Jake about this too. “HEESEUNG” you yelled out “You told him??” 

“Im sorry, I was panicking, and Jake asked what was wrong and I couldn’t hold it in” Heeseung said rubbing the back of his neck. Though on the other hand Jake was looking at you with a stern look. Worried about what he was going to say, you avoided making eye contact with him. “I thought I told you if you needed help with anything to let us know” he says crossing his arms. By this point your mind was running a hundred miles an hour, what did he just say? Did help with anything mean what you actually thought it meant? You swear you we’re starting to go crazy no way he just said that? 

“Well… uhmmm.. I didn’t think that’s what you meant.” You said avoiding eye contact. “We’re best friends, best friends help each other out with anything no matter what it is” Jake says his gaze darkening. 

“Well typically “normal” best friends don’t help each other out in this type of situation. 

“Well every friendship is different and we’re just taking ours to the next step.” 

You couldn’t help but admit that you did find them attractive, the way Jake and Heeseung would walk around with only a small towel wrapped around their waist after a shower. The way it hung low and could see their v-line start forming but you kept these thoughts to yourself because you guys we’re best friends. But when Jake and Heeseung had their hookups and you could hear a new girl moaning from the other room you couldn’t help but wonder is it as good as it sounds? But again these we’re thoughts you kept to yourself. 

Jake and Heeseung sat down on opposite sides of your bed and looked at each other nodding to one another before they opened their mouths to say what they we’re going to say. You we’re nervous having no idea what they we’re going to say or do. 

“If your okay with this we’re willing to take this friendship to the next step but need your confirmation” 

The way they both looked at you made your stomach fill with butterflies. “Yes please, I need both of you so bad I’ve been so lonely” you whimpered. The green light flashed and both of them immediately took their opportunity. 

“Fuck Princess we’re gonna make you feel so good” Heeseung pants out leaning into you. 

Jake immediately leans in to start kissing you on the lips, his kiss filled with want and need. You can feel the desperation behind his kiss, him wanting more and more. He slips his tongue out asking for permission and once let in the kisses start turning sloppy with him not being able to get enough of you. Meanwhile Heeseung roamed his hands all over your body, slipping them under your shirt and grabbing onto your boobs. He couldn’t believe it all the times he thought about how your tits looked like when you would wear those skimpy tops, he was finally about to see them. He unclasped your bra and started massaging your boobs which made you let out a moan into Jake’s mouth. 

“Feeling good baby?” Heeseung smirked continuing to play with your tits. You could feel your brain start to feel fuzzy with how good you were feeling. He moved his hands down to play with your nipples, causing an instant reaction from you. He rubbed the pads of his fingers on your nipples and then would pinch them rolling them inbetween his fingers, toying with them. You could already feel a warm feeling of arousal forming in your stomach from how good Heeseung was making you feel. Lifting your shirt up, he revealed your breasts his mouth practically watering at the sight of them. Leaning in, he opened his mouth and took a nipple in his mouth. Swirling his tounge around the bud has he continued licking it. Letting go for a slight breather he then started sucking on your nipples, now taking turns between both tits. 

You threw your head back in pleasure not being to contain your composure but Heeseung continued sucking and started slightly grazing his teeth over your buds. 

“Fuck Hee mmhm” you moan out. 

He took this a good sign and kept sucking on your nipples at a feverish pace. The kisses with Jake turned to the point where you we’re just exchanging saliva. He pulls back from your face and looks at you, you notice his lips are all red and his eyes are blown out. 

“Fuck I just can’t get enough of you” Jake whimpers leaning in for one more kiss. 

He pulls away noticing that your shirt was barely on due to Heeseung sucking on your tits. He helps you and pulls the rest of it off your body, leaving you completely naked only thing covering you was your blanket covering your bottom half. 

“Fuck baby, you’re so fucking beautiful” Jake praises as he takes in your body. He slowly moves his hand down your stomach to reach for the hem of your pants for him to only realize that you didn’t have anything. He groans at the fact that you didn’t have anything on turning him on even more. 

“Naughty” Jakes teases “You didn’t have anything on this whole time?” 

“Was masturbating before I got caught I didn’t have the time to put anything back on” 

“Oh?” Jake laughs “Well it definitely speeds up the pace” 

He lifts the blanket off your legs, the only thing still keeping you covered now fully exposed. He reaches his hand down once again starting to rub your clit. 

“Fuck Jake”

He kept rubbing your clit, picking up the pace already forming a pool of arousal. Heeseung took a moment to stop sucking on your tits and watched Jake rub your clit. He lazily played with your nipples as he watched Jake. Having the both of them watch you while you got your clit rubbed made the warm feeling in your stomach grow. 

“Fuckkkk” Heeseung groans out as he watched Jake slip his fingers inside of your cunt and start to finger you. By this point your mind was clouded, the only thing you could focus on was cumming. 

“Don’t just look Heeseung, start rubbing her clit” Jakes commands. Heeseung snapping out of his state moves his hand over and starts rubbing on your clit. With both of them fucking you at the same time, you we’re pratically begging to cum. The noises your body we’re making with Jake’s fingers slipping in and out and Heeseung rubbing on your clit feverishly we’re so lewd, almost pornographic. 

“FuckFuckFuck I’m gonna cum please don’t stop” you whimpered out. 

“Cum for me princess” 

The warm feeling in your stomach reached it’s peak and just like that snapped. 

“Fuck mmhm cumming” you whimper out 

Jakes continues fingering you riding out your climax and Heeseung never lets up his pace. Coming down from your high they don’t let up their pace, they just keep going. You started to feel overstimulated begging for them to stop as you couldn’t take it anymore. 

“PleasePleasePlease no more” you cry out trying to squirm away but they just hold a tighter grip on you. 

“Aww baby doesn’t want to anymore?” Jake coos “Just give us one more” 

The familiar feeling started growing in your stomach again and this time faster. This time around Heeseung took it as a opportunity and removed his hand from your clit and leaned in instead to place his mouth on your clit. He sucked on it, starting to swirl his tounge around your clit. You swore you almost started seeing stars from how good it felt. 

“Hey, not fair” Jake said getting jealous “I wanted to eat her out too” 

Jakes pulls his fingers out causing you to gasp for air from the loss of contact. He put his hand in his mouth, savoring the taste of you on his lips. 

“You taste so fucking good I need more” 

He drops his head down and joins Heeseung in eating your pussy out. Both of them lapping and taking turns at sucking on your clit. Eating you with a hunger that seemed they couldn’t get enough of. Jake returned his fingers back into your pussy that was weeping for attention. 

“Oh my god you're so wet, so wet for me and heeseung?” “Bet this pussy of yours is just begging to be stuffed.” 

He slips his fingers in and you let out a whimper. 

“Mhhhm fuck please, fuck me” You plead looking up at Jake.

He moves his fingers in and out quickening his pace. The familiar feeling yet again growing in the pit of your stomach. He curls his fingers slightly to hit your g-spot ripping out a moan from you. You didn’t know how much longer you we’re going to last at this rate. Heeseung never let up the pace he was eating you out at, eating you like it was his last meal. His tongue roamed all over your pussy determined to find your sensitive spots and it didn’t help that Jake was there helping him eat you out too. Licking your pussy at the same time it was almost too much to be able to take. 

The feeling was starting to grow tighter and you knew you we’re going to cum soon. 

“I can feel that pussy of your tightening around my fingers are you gonna cum baby?” says Jake before taking another mouthful of you. “Cum for us baby” Jake groans out

Those we’re the words you needed to hear before you we’re pushed over the edge. Reaching your peak felt like an out of body experience, the pleasure completely overtaking your body. Jake and Heeseung continued eating you out riding out your peak before you finally starting coming down from it. 

“Princess you taste so good, fuck I need more” Heeseung whimpers into your pussy trying to clean as much of your arousal as he could. He continues to slurp you, coming down from your high you began to squirm in his grasp from still being sensitive. On the other hand Jake pulls away and yet again puts his fingers in his mouth to suck your cum from his fingers. 

“Always taste so good can’t get enough” Jake grins.

 By this point you had been fucked out of your mind, recieving not one but two explosive orgasms. Your body was getting tired by this point but you could tell Jake and Heeseung we’re just getting started. You look up to see Jake and Heeseung’s hard-ons as they palm over their cocks. 

“Fuck I can’t wait put my cock into your tight pussy” Jake whimpers out as he rushes to take off his clothes. In your drunken bliss you watch as Heeseung and Jake move quickly to take off their clothes. As you watch them remove the last of their clothes, slipping off their boxers you realize just how big they are. Their cocks stiff and leaking pre-cum already. “Fuck” you thought to yourself “How are they gonna fit?” You adjust yourself sitting back up and look over at both of them, you could see a hunger lingering in their eyes. 

“Lay on your back” Heeseung demands becoming more assertive then before, you’d never seen this side of him. You do as told and readjust yourself to lay on your back. Heeseung’s moves over to your side and grabs onto you to readjust your body onto his lap. You can feel the way his hard cock presses against your back and shudder at the thought that pretty soon he’d be inside of you. Jake then moves over to position himself in front of you. You didn’t really know what they had planned and looked at them in confusion. 

“What are we about to do?” you ask with a puzzled look 

“We’re going to fuck you at the same time” Jake smirks 

“Oh”

Your mouth runs dry at the thought. Both? At the same time? You didn’t even know if they’d even be able to fit inside of you let alone take both at the same time. Heeseung grabs onto your ass and starting to massage it. 

“Relax, we’ll take good care of you” 

Heeseung grabs his cock in his fist pumping it a few times, watching as the pre-cum starts to leak down his cock. Bitting his lip he isn’t able to contain his moans and let’s them slip. 

“Fuck I need you inside of me already, I can’t take it anymore” Heeseung whines. 

Letting go of his cock, he reaches back down for your ass and lifts you up slightly re-positioning himself to lean his back slightly on the headboard. He has perfect view of your ass, drooling at the fact that his cock was finally going to be inside of you. 

He lowers you back down onto his cock and feel his cock slowly start to enter your ass. He slowly pushes it in letting you get adjusted to his length but grits his teeth as your ass clenches around his tip. Breathing heavily he continues to slowly further push into you until your finally balls deep. Your ass feels full and the strech is slightly uncomfortable but welcome. You ask Heeseung to just stay like this for a few minutes so you could adjust to his cock. 

“Princess I’m going insane I could cum from just this, please can I move?” Heeseung pleads. You nod your head and almost instantly Heeseung starts fucking into you, moving at a gentle pace to help you continue adjust to his length. During this Jake is touching himself to him Heeseung finally entering your ass and watching as your face contorts from pain to pleasure. It was driving him insane and he needed to feel himself inside of you. 

He shot Heeseung a glance making Heeseung stop and you whimpered from the loss of friction. 

“Why’d you stop Hee?” you cry out 

“Because I can’t let you guys have all the fun” Jake remarks “Besides it wouldn’t be fair to leave this hole empty, I know how bad you want it” 

Your pussy clenches around nothing anticipating for Jake to enter you. He could cum just from watching the way your pussy clenches for him. He pumps his dick a few more times and spreads your legs, slowly entering you. Your pussy was so warm and hot that he almost came right there and then but held his composure. The way your pussy was clenching down on him was almost too unbearable for him. You felt stuffed in almost every way possible, Jake’s thick cock in your pussy and Heeseung’s in your ass made your head spin. Though having both of them inside of you wasn’t enough you needed them to start moving inside of you. Your body was begging for any type of friction at this point.

“Please, I need you to move mmhm can’t take it” you beg out. 

With that they both start to move and your body feels like it’s on fire with pleasure hitting you from every angle. The sound of skin slapping from both angles sounded so dirty but felt so amazing. Jake moved one of his hands to play with your nipples adding even more onto the pleasure. Your mind was melting and couldn’t even register the amount of pleasure you we’re feeling. 

“Fuck, princess you’re clamping down so hard on my cock it’s driving me insane” Heeseung grits out.

You could feel the way Heeseung’s cock moved in your ass repeatedly hitting your pleasure point and Jake’s tip repeatedly rubbing against your g-spot, grazing the bottom of your cervix. It was too intense and you could feel the warmness start to build in the pit of your stomach. The room was filled with heavy panting and moans, everyone focused on reaching that high. You could tell that they we’re getting close the way Heeseung’s thrusts were getting inconsistent and Jake’s face was starting to contort. 

“I don’t think i’m going to last much longer” Jake moans out. 

“Me either mmhm so close” Heeseung pants 

You could feel yourself starting to get closer and closer by the second as well, the feeling growing too intense. Jake puts a hand to your stomach, wanting to feel the way his dicks moves inside of you. With the way he was watching you being fucked stupid and him feeling the way his cock moved inside of you it was too unbearable for him. 

“Fuck baby i’m coming” Jake whimpered out. A few more sloppy thrusts and Jake unloaded inside of you. Continuing to chase his high as he fucked his cum inside of you making sure you took it in deep inside of you painting your walls. The feeling of Jake cumming inside of you sends you over the edge and hit your peak as well. 

Riding out your high, Jake continues to pound into you, your pussy clamping down on his cock. He grunts at the extra pressure put on his cock and it spurs him to continue fucking you. You start coming down from your high and Jakes fucks the last of his cum into you before slowing his pace until he stops but never pulling out from you. Before you can even question him you can feel Heeseung’s hips start stuttering 

“I’m gonna- I’m gonna fucking cum” Heeseung whines before he finally spills his load inside of you. Him cumming triggered another orgasm inside of you and both of you came at the same. It was nothing like you had felt before, the feeling of cumming from your ass felt so intense. You couldn’t help but throw your head back and whine in pleasure at how overstimulated you felt. The feeling of your ass clenching on Heeseung’s cock sent him even more over the edge. 

Fucking into you even more feverishly, making sure he stuffed you full of his seed. He wanted to make sure you we’re full of him and that you we’re his and only his. He came down from his high, hips slowing down. Your brain was mush at this point only feeling pleasure, relishing in the fact that you we’re stuffed of both of your best friend’s cum. 

“How was that baby hmm?” Jake asks. 

“So fucking good” you say slurring your words. 

“Fuck you make not wanna pull out, you feel too good” Heeseung whines hiding his face into your back. 

“Can’t we just stay like this for a bit?” Jake begs. 

You cave and stay with both of them inside of you for a few more mins. They decide it’s finally time to pull out and Heeseung makes sure to hold onto you as he pulls you off of him since he knew you’d be too weak to support yourself. Both him and Jake hiss at the loss of contact and you cry out at the loss of feeling of having them inside of you. Heeseung lays you down and both of them watch as their load drips out of you, satisfied with themselves. 

“So how was it… fucking your best friends?” Jake asks with a shit-eating grin.

“Fucking amazing” you slur in your blissed out state “We should’ve done this sooner”

Heeseung and Jake both let out a small laugh and smile. 

“I’ll go get something to wipe her down with” Heeseung says lifting himself off the bed. Jake stays and starts playing with your hair looking down at you with loving eyes. 

“What are you so giddy about” you asked softly laughing 

“Nothing, just you’re so pretty I can’t help but look at you” 

You hum as he continues to play with your hair, you could get used to this. 

[itsalwaysdark]

ome day i will be so normal

[endless-ineffabilities]

The Bolter (part two)

Steve Rogers x f!reader

synopsis : Steve carries out his decision to return to Peggy, aiming to live out the rest of his days with her. But this means he's leaving everything behind - he's leaving you. Did he make the right choice? Will there be anything left with you to come back to?

in this chapter : Steve tries to settle into his life in the 50s, and we get a glimpse of the days when Steve and the reader were getting to know each other post Civil War.

themes/warnings : pining, unrequited love, Steve beginning to regret his decision (he just won't admit it yet), the NSFW stuff won't happen until after a whiiiile, this is a slow burn (y'all can blame Steve!!)

word count : <2k

main masterlist ▪︎ series masterlist

The 1950s, one month after Steve's arrival

Peggy knows about you. It doesn't take her long to figure it out. What started out as the mystery figure her partner seems to be so wistful over - as time passes, the idea of you becomes stronger.

It takes shape, like you are not just a memory to be gotten over.

You're there, in their very walls, but you're not. Of all the people Steve left behind, your shadow looms the strongest over him.

"She must have been special, Steve. She sounded like a very dear friend," Peggy expresses, one morning over breakfast when they were going through the people in Steve's future.

Past, to be more apt. All those people are no longer going to be a part of Steve's days. You no longer will be.

He thought he would be fine with it all, treating it like the end of a book. This is his fresh start with Peggy, a chance to simply live his life without constant threat of impending doom.

That apple pie, white picket fence, American dream. He wants to have a son and a daughter. Maybe he'll even name them after you and James.

The two most important people in his life then, reflected in the children whom will be his reason for existence.

Everything should be just perfect.

So why isn't it?

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

2017, eight months after the Avengers' Civil War

Being on the run was brutal, but familiar.

A year ago, you were made to choose between the two sides in the Sokovia accords, after your old friend Natasha pulled you out of your over extended holiday.

She wanted you to join her side, Tony's side. They could use all the help they can get to fight Captain America who apparently had gone rogue.

Little did she know that you would end up fighting with him instead, after you found out what his motivations were.

After the war, yourself and all those who acted against the accords were branded enemies of the state. Incidentally, this included Nat, who also had a change of heart.

Captain America - Steve - broke you out of a maximum security prison, and you all branched out in different parts of the world to go into hiding.

At first, you and Nat went to her safehouse in Budapest. Then to one of your apartments in Malta. Eventually, you had to separate to keep the trail cold, and to confuse anyone at your tail.

Which is how you ended up in some remote cabin in Alaska with none other than Steve himself.

And you got to know each other really well.

He was closed off at first, maintaining a sense of cordiality that must come as second nature to him. It was evident that the Civil War took a toll on him. He had an anger, a resentment about him that wasn't there when you first came across him in Romania. When you decided to cross over and aid in his cause.

For the first few weeks, he kept his distance, merely keeping up with what's required of a fellow lodger on the run. He made sure there was hot coffee left for you when he brewed a fresh batch. He was always quiet in his room across the hall. He would say his polite good mornings, his how are yous, before taking his daily walk in the woods, scouting the area for any potential anomalies.

It took a while before he stopped being just Captain America in your eyes, but inevitably, you grew to know Steve Rogers.

And you came to fall in love with him. But you didn't admit this until much, much later.

You're not sure which one of you broke first, but eventually the polite, little greetings turned into breakfast conversations, eventually incorporating comfortable inside jokes.

You discovered that he had a myriad of questions about your chosen life, how you ended up working for The Agency. Much like the Red Room but without any ties to a particular government, The Agency specialized in producing highly-skilled individuals when it comes to combat and covert operations.

For a while, it was your MO to make sure that the widows were unsuccessful in their missions which involved civilian casualties. So you first encountered Nat when the Red Room gave her the task to take you out, but you were too wily and evaded her at every turn.

At some point, and to both yours and her surprise, you actually ended up becoming friends.

You could tell that Steve was holding back in commenting on your choice of profession, but he wasn't really in any position to judge - America's former poster boy turned into their number one fugitive. He wanted to suggest that perhaps there was a better life out there suited for you, one that didn't require you to constantly look behind your shoulder.

But how could he? You were there because of him. In a way, his rebellion pulled you out of your momentary pocket of paradise.

You told him you had retired before Nat called you in, but of course that wouldn't have lasted long. One way or another, you always found yourself back in.

Like you were craving it, almost. Or because you had nothing else but this life. This was your normal.

"What do you think it would look like, if you actually had a shot at normal?" he asked, the glowing embers of the fireplace dancing shadows across his face.

You observed him, and you couldn't help but note how impossibly good he still looked even with his facial hair unkempt and grown out. "What I think it would really look like, or what I would want it to be?"

The corner of his lips raise at your statement. You were right. For both you and him, what you want is almost never what you can get. "Either way," he shrugged.

"Well," you paused. You knew you were stalling, but you didn't really know what to say. "I guess... there was a time when I used to want the normal life. You know - a partner, kids, a lakeside house with a nice backyard, maybe a dog."

"What kind of dog?" he asked suddenly, distracting you.

"Oh, uhm, I like German Shepherds."

He smiled, "I like them too."

That one remark was enough to make your imagination run wild. He likes them too, he said. What must it be like to be with Steve, to live in a lakeside house with him? Enough, you quickly reminded yourself, stop before you get hurt.

You must have been staring at him then, because he casted a gentle glance at you, saying, "Keep going."

You found yourself continuing with more ease, "I never really had a whole family. Only lived with my parents for a time, didn't have any siblings. So when - if, and that's a big if - I do have kids, I'd want more than one. So they would always have each other, you see."

When you looked back at him, his blue eyes were arresting, almost like they're boring right into you. Captain America is trying to get a good read on you, and you feel like you're laid bare before him. But it's not a discomforting feeling.

Maybe it's just the effect Steve has on people. Or maybe it's you. You weren't ready to accept just how much you already took a liking to the Captain America. You just knew - it would not end well.

These things never do.

But then he said, "When you do manage to have all of that, will you send me a postcard? Let me know how you are?"

Your smile widened at his sincerity. He wasn't just playing along, indulging in what you think are just delusions. He actually meant it. "Steve, you'll always be welcome at our lakeside house, you know."

"Our?" he smirked.

"Yeah, well," you leaned back at his implication, but his expression is enough to warm you all over. "I... I meant, mine and my partner's or... mine and my dog's, I don't really know - "

He laughed lowly, the sound hearty and deep in his chest. "I understand what you mean," he said, before adding, "although, I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a lakeside house with you."

"And my dog," you added jokingly, but your pulse had already quickened.

He nodded, but he wasn't finished. "Could be my dog, too." You don't know whether to be grateful or disappointed that he didn't say, and our kids. Grateful, you decided. It had to be that. You were getting too ahead of yourself.

You agreed, playing along, "As long as I get to name him."

"Of course, doll."

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

The 1950s, two months after Steve's arrival

Steve decides that he would get a dog.

It's about time, he believes. He's always wanted to do so anyway, and what better time than now, when he is settled in a good home base with a lot of backyard space for the dog to roam around.

He wants to get a German Shepherd, and it's fine, because Peggy does not really have a preference.

It is the evening before he is scheduled to visit the animal shelter, when Peggy asks him if he has decided on a name for the dog.

He startles at that, looking up from his plate. He barely registers her hand that has been caressing his own throughout dinner. Steve, being Steve, immediately feels ashamed at how he doesn't seem to be present and appreciating the moment.

"Have you thought of a name?" Peggy tries again.

A name, he ponders. No, he always thought he would leave it up to you.

"I'll figure it out," he says after a while, taking Peggy's hand and bringing it to his lips.

Everything will be perfect.

Read part three here.

taglist: @vicmc624 @littleliyah16 @babezawa @klammykayla @justsebstan

caution: this is will be the slowest burn, and even MORE angsty when things come to a head.

the next chapter will be from the reader's POV and how she's coping...

Are all of these dog shenanigans alluding to how the reader will walk Stevie boy like a dog??? *evil, maniacal laugh*

Taglist still open!

[lynnimini]

₊⊹ 𝘢𝘱𝘵 ₊⊹

description: fluff ⋆ comedy ⋆ a little suggestive

in which you become sungho’s neighbor from across the hallway and the spark between you two is just too strong to ignore

pairings: p. sungho x afab!reader

words: 3.2k

warnings: suggestive ⋆ mentions of alcohol ⋆ mentions of sungho & y/n making out

author’s note: chat lynn is back!! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) im sososo sorry this oneshot took so long (｡•́︿•̀｡) if you couldn’t tell by the title, it’s partially inspired by “apt” by rosé and bruno mars so i strongly recommend that you listen to it while reading (ㅅ´ ˘ `) happy reading !!

tags: @onedoornet @blossomnet

game start !

"alright sweetheart, let us know if you need anything at all"

the older woman at the front desk smiled sweetly as she handed you the key to your new apartment.

"thank you so much"

you bid her goodbye as you boarded the elevator, praying that there would be a broom or something inside so you could clean while procrastinating on unpacking.

you arrived to your new apartment and saw tons of boxes stacked up in the hallway. you breathed in the scent of cardboard, paint, and air from the balcony. a little weird, but it was the smell of a new beginning.

"now how do we open the door"

you muttered as you fumbled with the key. you turned it over and over, hearing it click so many times but the doorknob just wouldn't turn.

"you okay?"

you jumped slightly as you heard the clicking of another door from behind you, turning to see quite possibly the prettiest boy you've ever seen.

"oh yeah, i'm just trying to open the door"

you laughed awkwardly as he locked his own door, bearing an amused smile as he watched you very unsuccessfully turn the knob.

"you sure you're okay? i'm the only one on the floor at this time and about to leave soooo if you're sure.."

he took baby steps towards the elevator before you whipped around, nearly dropping your keys in the process.

"i lied"

you said sheepishly as you watched him grin and do a mini jog towards you.

"i figured"

he teased as you blushed a shade of pink and laughed softly.

"no one's moved to this floor for a while so the room hasn't been opened that much. you just gotta.."

he cut himself off as he rammed lightly into the door with his shoulder, the door finally swinging open and revealing a dusty, creme colored room.

"just gotta give it a harder push"

he looked at you bearing an accomplished grin, making you laugh and set your backpack down on the floor of your apartment.

"i'm y/n. and you are?"

"park sungho. it was nice meeting you and i'm so sorry but i'm in a hurry to get to my class. looking forward to meeting you, miss new neighbor"

sungho smiled as he hurriedly jogged towards the elevator, waving to you as the doors closed.

apt, apt

you walked into your apartment for the first time ever, shutting the door and sliding down with your back against it as you squealed to yourself, calling your best friend.

"jules, the cutest guy i've ever seen lives across the hallway from me"

"oh my gosh girl no way?? pleaseeee talk to him and don't pussy out this time"

"i did a little bit and he helped me get into my apartment but he left to get to his class. i'll try as soon as i see him next girl, promise!"

"good luck babe. i gotta run to my stupid afternoon class too so i'll text you later. love you"

"love you julie <3"

your best friend and day one never failed to hype you up and match your energy. you got up and dusted yourself off, not even noticing the amount of dust on the door and floor before you slid down.

grabbing the broom in the corner of the room, you started sweeping as much dust as you could into a pile and opened the windows to air out the place. within half an hour, your apartment was almost completely dust free.

"now to bring all this stuff in"

you breathed out a heavy sigh, reluctant to bring 50 boxes inside, but also excited to settle into your new home.

"HOLY SHIT"

you screamed the second you opened the door and saw sungho's figure: arms crossed staring at the messy boxes in the hall.

"what are you doing here?"

you asked with a hint of amusement in your eyes. neither you or sungho could stop the slight smiles from spreading on your faces.

"got bored. wanted to help my new neighbor move dusty boxes instead of listening to lectures about stats"

he said nonchalantly as he lifted a box. you sarcastically rolled your eyes, shaking your head with a smile.

"you skipped just to see little old me? i'm honored"

sungho scoffed and looked on as you picked up a box.

"don't even, i used you as an excuse to leave stats"

he teased as you both exchanged glances and laughed as you set your boxes down, chatting about little things you two were curious about.

"so what brings you here of all places instead of like, the maldives or something?"

he finally asked as the last box was set in your apartment, sitting on it as you sat across him.

"well, i just got out of high school and i wanted a sense of freedom. so i came from busan to seoul for a change of pace. i wanted to see the city and be away for once"

you smiled to yourself before looked up at sungho, who was looking out the glass door leading to the balcony.

“i feel you. i’ve lived in the city all my life and couldn’t imagine being without it. i just moved provinces away from my parents to gain more freedom”

sungho grinned, turning to look at you who smiled in recognition.

"well it's getting late and no better time to go see seoul than now right?"

sungho stood up and went to go open the door, letting cool summer air into the room.

“so you’re saying i should go out now??”

you were amused, but didn’t fully catch onto what he was saying. sungho beckoned you over to the balcony and pointed outwards.

"look over there. see those lights? that’s the part of seoul where nightlife is most active"

he smiled at seeing the way you were so enchanted seeing all the colorful lights.

"i was gonna go out to the club with my friends tonight, did you wanna come with? they're all cool, promise"

he glanced at you as you two closed the balcony doors. you were hesitant in your answer. busan was definitely not the most loud, party city, but what did you even come to seoul for if not to get out of your comfort zone?

"yeah that sounds great"

you smiled and nodded and sungho patted your shoulder.

"i'm gonna go back to my place to get ready and hopefully you can dig up your stuff in a couple hours. i'll knock when it's time"

sungho nodded as he closed the door behind him, leaving you to scramble and find which boxes had all your clothes and makeup.

and lo and behold exactly two hours later, you were freshly showered and had glitter on your face and dress alike as sungho knocked.

red hearts, red hearts

"well this is a nice change from the girl covered in a dusty tank"

he teased as he shut the door behind you guys and got on the elevator.

"shut up, as if you weren't covered in dirt the entire time we talked and moved boxes"

you rolled your eyes as sungho opened his car door for you, letting you get into the passenger side.

"kidding. but you clean up nicely"

you could've swore his eyes glanced up and down your body as he slipped into the drivers seat, looking back at your face that clearly showed you were caught off guard.

you became hyperaware of how good sungho looked too, your eyes catching on how his tight shirt displayed his broad shoulders.

"thanks, you too.."

you said slowly, unconsciously eye fucking him before you snapped out of it, looking up to meet his eyes. the slight smirk on his face laid painfully clear until he realized that you knew he was eyeing you as well. the two of you looked away after a brief moment and cleared your throats.

im tryna kiss your lips for real

"anyways you're about to see the best club i've ever been to. best dj and bartender in the world”

he said, focusing on the road as you looked between him and the view of seoul’s busy streets.

the loud voices of the people walking by and the bright, colorful lights were a sharp contrast to what you were used to in your hometown, where it was all quiet with noises from the sea.

sungho took a quick peek at you while stopped at a red light and found it endearing the way you looked so enchanted by something he found so normal in his life.

he thought you looked so beautiful with your hair waving in the breeze of the open windows, light reflecting off the glitter on your face.

dont you want me like i want you, baby?

dont you need me like i need you now?

“we’re here”

you turned your attention back to sungho who just got done parking the car in front, walking to the passenger side to let you out.

“after you, miss”

he swept his hand outwards, teasingly directing you out of the car and onto the sidewalk as you rolled your eyes at him.

“what a gentleman”

you teased back as he laughed and offered you his arm to hold, playing the part as he walked you towards the club.

turn this apartment into a club

“hey sungho!”

sungho steered you towards his friends, who were shouting and waving to greet him over the loud music playing.

“hey guys”

he individually greeted 4 different people as you stood by and smiled as you enjoyed the unfamiliar, but lively atmosphere, straying a bit from the table as you looked around.

“who’s this pretty girl?”

one of the taller guys asked as sungho promptly stood next to you, placing his hand gently on your lower back to bring you back to the table.

“this pretty girl is my new neighbor, y/n. she just moved here so i invited her to come out”

he explained as you smiled and waved at all of them.

“i’m y/n, nice to meet you”

you said politely and the four of them immediately welcomed you to sit down with them.

“so how do you feel about soju shots y/n”

one of the guys, leehan, asked as he poured one up and offered it to you.

“my favorite”

you replied excitedly as you took it fast, chasing it with a nearby lime.

“i like her already”

jaehyun shot a pleased smile at both you and sungho, promptly following you as he took a shot.

“okayyy you might’ve found the one this time”

riwoo whispered to sungho as he watched you down shots like they were nothing, the others happily drinking with you.

“i hope so. she’s really nice and really matches my personality”

sungho whispered back before also taking a shot.

“come on, don’t think we didn’t see you taking your shots hella slow”

taesan teased sungho as he poured him more shots, sungho rolling his eyes as he took them all.

“you know better than anyone that i’m no lightweight”

sungho scoffed, shaking his head and smiling while taesan took one more shot.

“wanna go dance?”

taesan shouted to the table and everyone agreed, including yourself. it wasn’t until you were on the floor that you started hesitating.

“what’s wrong?”

sungho shouted to you over the music, seeing how hesitant you were to follow the others into the crowd.

“i kinda don’t know how to dance”

you shouted sheepishly and sungho took your hand, smiling reassuringly.

“i’ll teach you how. do you trust me?”

he asked, and you just laughed.

“big request when we just met today sungho. but yeah. i do trust you”

you smiled widely at sungho, who mirrored your smile and tugged you into the crowd with the others.

sleep tomorrow, but tonight, go crazy

“just follow the music. don’t even worry about what anyone else thinks. they don’t care”

sungho said right next to your ear as he pressed his body directly behind yours, fingertips lightly ghosting your hips as to not make you uncomfortable.

“you got it”

he praised, and you laughed as you both jumped along to the loud music blaring, not caring about a thing in the world.

“this is fun”

you turned to look up at sungho, whose smiling eyes made his entire being glow with happiness. it was contagious. you couldn’t help but smile in peace knowing it’s him leading you through it.

the two of you looked away quickly, but the moment was enough to make you really think about sungho.

maybe it was just the alcohol talking but even after you turned around and started jumping around again, sungho was all you could think about.

the closeness and intimacy of it all, how he matched your energy, how he was so respectful yet goofy in the way he touched you. it all showed the caring nature of park sungho, and maybe you could see yourself falling for your new neighbor.

are you ready?

“guys i think i’m gonna take y/n home. she’s drunk and starting to get a little…”

sungho didn’t even know how to describe you, and let your actions speak for themselves. you were giggling profusely at nothing and slightly stumbling if not for sungho holding you still.

“and you’re okay to drive? i can call you guys an uber”

jaehyun worried over you two as usual, but sungho shook his head.

“she had a couple more drinks in there but i sobered up. we’ll be okay”

sungho reassured everyone, bidding them goodbye as he basically carried you back out to the car.

“sungho..”

you mumbled out as he buckled you in, moving around to the other side to buckle himself in.

“yes?”

“was so fun”

sungho couldn’t look at you for fear of crashing his car, but let out a small laugh all the same.

“i’m glad. you seemed like you had a good time drinking with everyone”

“mhm”

it was a mostly silent car ride back. you dozed off as sungho was left alone with his thoughts. thoughts about you. he met you 12 hours ago and he could barely get you out of his mind.

he glanced over at your sleeping figure curled up in the passenger seat, tossing his jacket over you as a blanket. he hoped that you would sober up a little during the car ride so he could talk to you a little while longer.

sungho parked the car and tried to shake you awake from your nap without much luck, so he picked you up and carried you into the building.

“oh? i didn’t know you two met already”

the sweet old lady at the front desk teased when she saw you two together. sungho just laughed and pulled your dress down to cover your thighs since it shifted when he picked you up.

“i was just showing her around and she had a little too much fun”

he and the woman shared a laugh before she shooed him into the elevator, saying that you two should get some rest. not that you were awake for any of it anyways.

once he got in front of your door, he realized that he didn’t know where your keys were. your purse was in the car and he was not about to go down into the parking garage for it.

he unlocked his own door and laid you down onto the couch, walking back to lock the door behind you two.

“sungho?”

he whipped around to find you sitting up, clutching your head.

“you feeling okay?”

you gratefully accepted the bottle of water he passed you, nodding as you drank it.

“just a small headache, it’ll get worse in the morning”

you jokingly said as sungho let out a light laugh and sat beside you.

“i took you to mine because your purse is in my car and your keys are there, and i also remembered you have no bed yet. do you want to stay here or do you have anywhere else..?”

you shook your head.

“if it’s okay, could i stay here? and maybe borrow some clothes?”

you asked sheepishly and sungho nodded profusely.

“of course! i’ll be right back. you can help yourself to anything i have”

his voice faded away as he ran to his closet looking for clothes small enough to fit you. you sat up on the couch while you waited, looking at all the pictures sungho hung up until he came back with a loose tshirt and sweats.

you changed into them and thought about how kind sungho was: taking a girl he barely knew out because she was new, letting you stay in his house. you made a mental note to yourself to get sungho a gift or take him out for dinner later.

“thanks for taking me back to yours after you let me tag along with you tonight”

you settled next to sungho on the couch and gave him a sweet smile, to which he smiled back. you decided not to point out or tease him about the light pink blush on the back of his neck when you moved a little closer to him.

“it’s no problem. i had a lot of fun dancing with you tonight, and i know my friends like you a lot too”

he cleared his throat, clapping a hand to the back of his neck to hide the spreading blush that you so obviously noticed judging by the small smirk on your face. he avoided your gaze, staring at the TV for a movie to put on.

“i had a good time too. we should do it again sometime”

you looked up at sungho from beside him, smile faltering nervously at how close his face was to yours.

“yeah, for sure..”

his voice trailed off as he looked at your lips, the soft opening melody of a random movie playing in the background.

the building tension from earlier combined with the slight buzz of alcohol awoke immediate feelings for one another, not being able to think about anything but kissing the other’s lips.

the two of you kept looking at each other and hesitating before you tugged on the front of his shirt lightly, finally pulling him in for a kiss.

the kiss was slow and sweet. sungho was stiff at first, scared of making you uncomfortable until you started getting bold, letting your hands roam over him.

it took a while for you guys to pull away, not wanting to let go of the moment. you both only let go for air, smiling at each other as you caught your breath.

“you’re a damn good kisser”

you teased as you ran your hands over sungho’s chest and shoulders, him giving you a quick kiss as he laid you down onto the couch.

“yeah? i could do better than that”

he teased right back, making you laugh softly as he hovered over you.

“i think i liked you better when you were all shy”

your eyes started fluttering shut as sungho pressed another kiss to your lips, hands wandering under your shirt and rubbing circles on your waist.

“i mean i could just sit right next to you again”

sungho abruptly pulled off of you and sat you both up besides each other, making you laugh and struggle to pull him back down with you.

you were finally able to pull him back down into another long kiss, forgetting about the random movie playing in the background.

“not a chance pretty boy. gotta finish what you started.”

just meet me at the…

[kissclown]

'video games cause violence' was a blunt instrument argument used to scapegoat media for the scourge of violence coating america. it was laughed at, and rejected outright by most people who took a moment to think about the argument. obviously, you don't play mortal kombat and suddenly, magically, gain an uncontrollable urge to kill.

the problem i have, is that both of these arguments ignore the truth that yes, media can influence you as a person. it's been proven time and time again that propaganda works very well, even if you know it's propaganda.

the argument aroynd"violence in video games" focuses on the mere existence of depictions of violence as the issue, when it would be more apt to discuss the context of that violence within the game.

for example, let's take two video game series about shooting people:

the wolfenstein games, full of gratuitous violence, are about killing nazis and using violence as a tool to fight fascism,

as opposed to the call of duty series, which is directly funded by the u.s. military, and has repeatedly pushed alternative narratives of history that paint the united states in a much kinder light than reality would cast it in.

both of these contain the same acts of violence. both of these games allow you to click a man's head and reduce it to a fine red mist. and yet one of these games directly contributes to material harm in the real world.

It's not the act, but the context in which it exists that defines the harm it does.

Now, take this lens, and apply it to to your understanding of the relationships between pornographic media and sexual violence.

[alpaca-clouds]

So, which Drow House kidnapped Halsin?

Fuck it. This morning @adelar-plays posted this excerpt of the dialogue you can have with Halsin about his time as, well, a sex slave to the drow. tl;dr: If you play as a drow with a noble background in the game, you get some extra dialogue options and through it learn that the House Halsin had been captured by was not just destroyed, but is looked upon very poorly by other drow. Badly enough that working for any surviving members might get you into trouble.

And my very first thought about it was: Wait, was he captured by House Oblodra? (Aka: Araj's House?) Sure, Araj does not react to him or he to Araj (Or does he? Has anyone tried?), but Araj's dialogue does imply that she was fairly young when House Oblodra fell.

However, there are other options of course. Let me go through them all.

Now, what we know: Halsin is about 350 years old. This happened when he was a "young druid" (though your guess is as good as mine what he might consider "young"). And it definitely happened before the Shadowcurse was cast. So at the very least he escaped the Underdark more than a hundred years ago.

So, the drow house in question must have fallen between about 300 and 100 years ago. That much is fairly certain. So, between ca. 1190 and 1390DR.

Before I go into the list of possible Houses, let me quickly go into what the houses are:

The drow are a matriarchal people, and usually group themselves into Houses. The most apt comparison for those Houses - at least among the drow of Menzoberrazan - is basically mafia families, that are usually organized around one matriarch. Most of the Houses have their own little army, and just tons, and tons of slaves. (Look, in Menzo there is about 5 slaves for every drow living there. Most slaves are goblins or minotaurs, but there are also other races.) The Houses are in constant rivalry with each other to become the most influencial House of the city. And if you as a drow do not belong to a House, you are basically worthless.

So, which Houses were disbanded in the timeframe?

House Celofraie got destroyed in a conflict with House Agrach Dyrr in 1367 DR. We do not know the reason, but it was probably simply a rivalry between the Houses. The same goes for House Mlin'thobbyn and House Syr'thaerl.

House Do'Urden is one that we know a lot about, duh, because Drizzt is such an important character for the lore. The House was originally very important, but lost the favor of Lolth after Drizzt saved a normal elven kid on the surface. This led to the destruction of the House in 1338 DR.

House Elec'thil got destroyed at some point between 1327 and 1367 DR. The exact reason was never given.

House Bron'tej got destroyed in 1227 after a conflict with House Barrison Del'Armgo.

House Kenafin and House Horlbar were disbanded in 1383 DR, though the members of both Houses together formed the new House of Melarn.

House Srune'Lett nearly started a drow civil war and got subsequently destroyed in 1372 DR.

House Tuin'Tarl got destroyed in 1383 DR, after trying to attack House Kenafin and House Horlbar. In a revenge attack, obviously.

House Teken'duis had a rivalry with House Freth. When trying to assassinate their leaders, they failed - and in return the family fell into shame and was susequently executed by the ruling council of the city. This was in 1319DR.

House DeVir formed an alliance with some gnomes in an attempt to overthrow one of the other houses. Because Lolth hates everything not-drow, they lost the favor of Lolth. House Do'Urden took advantage of this and destroyed the House in 1297.

House Oblodra, as we all knew, allied with some illithids. Now mind you, this was seen as somewhat okay for about 2000 years, allowing some members of the house to develop psionic magic. Until some members of the members of the house got about the same idea that Gortash and Durge had: "Hey, if we use magic on the tadpoles and put them into people's brains, we can mind control them and take over the city." Which went about as well as it went for Gort and Durge, ending with the destruction of the House and Exile of all members in 1358DR. It should be noted that this is the one house, where Lolth took an active role in their distruction, sending demons to destroy them.

So, based on this information and the dialogue that was shared...

Again, I will disregard the entire "when I was young", because your guess is as good as mine to what Halsin considers "young". But the other information given there is more interesting: The fact that if you associated with the House, you might lose the favor of other drow/might actually get into trouble.

Because to me that tells me that the House in question was not destroyed in a rivalry. So we can disregard pretty much all of the Houses that were destroyed in a simple conflict with another House of the city without any further information given. It makes me assume that the House in question has lost the favor of Lolth, making them outcasts among the other Lolth-alligned drow.

That leaves the potential candidates of:

House Do'Urden

House DeVir

House Oblodra

With the vague possibility that it could also be Teken'duis. With them it is not quite clear whether they still have the favor of Lolth or not.

So, yeah. It could obviously also have been a not before named House in the city. But if it is among one of the Houses in question, it should be one of those three (or four).

Make of that what you want. One way or another, there is a chance that either Drizzt, Viconia, or Araj might have met him - even if they do not remember him necessarily. Given that to them he might have just been "another slave".

Bonus:

Since we know that he was with the House for 3 years, before he escaped in the chaos of the House being destroyed, we can also calculate Halsin's age at the time.

If he had been a prisoner of House Do'Urden, he would have been around 190 to 200 years at the time. Had he been a prisoner of House DeVir, he would have been between 150 and 160 years. And had he been a prisoner of House Oblodra, he would have been 210 to 220 years old. (Just rough estimates, as I do not assume he is exactly 350 years old.)

[lovystar]

❝ A PRINCESS’ WILL ❞ ; BADA LEE

synopsis──after an assassination attempt, the queen invites the very best fighters from across the land to compete for the great honor of protecting you, the princess.

content──bada lee x unnamed fem!oc (reader). princess!reader, soldier under disguise!bada. currently unedited, pls be nice lol. fictional combination of medieval european and korea’s joseon dynasty aspects bc im not too concerned about making it realistic. incorrect pronouns (when not in bada’s pov). this world is matrilineal bc I said so. bada's a flirt. eventual smut w/ switch!bada.

word count ── approx. 5.4k

───

YOUR MOTHER’S STRONG HOLD—on the country, on the castle, on her children, and on you in particular as the oldest—was suffocating. You were destined to rule over millions, and your mother would not let you forget it. You had to be strong, caring for your people but unforgiving to others. That’s how she ruled. She’d shape you to be the same queen she was, and she’ll drill it into your head herself if she needs to.

Your pride would never allow you to say this to her face, but you supposed that she did a good enough job. The people loved her: she kept them safe and fed, gave them more than enough to start caring beyond their necessities and seek self-actualization, to flourish in the arts. She wasn’t very popular among foreign lands, and you might even go on to say that they feared her. She was often fair when wronged, but very rarely did she ever pardon those wrongs. She has never, in the time you've been alive.

Once, when you were very little and you were still taking lessons with some children of noble descent, you heard them repeat a saying they’d learn from their parents:

“Loving are her eyes, beauty bestowed, but fear the night the Hawk catches you lurking near her nest, lest you desire your entrails be fed to the eyas nights on end.” 

They spoke of their Queen with reverence and adoration.

Her way of ruling worked well for many years; you got to live a life of peace and prosperity the entirety of your childhood. Not many other kingdoms can say the same.

On top of your queenly history lessons and politics and mathematics and the sciences, she wanted you to be good at protecting yourself. While she has acquired the most apt Royal Guard, a future queen must still be able to hold her own. She ordered only the best archers and swords to teach you, and you were…decent, at it. The years of practice successfully stuck some things into you: how to hold a sword and a bow and arrow, which body parts to target, how to be light in your feet (this one was specifically useful whenever you wanted to leave the royal palace).

In your defense, your natural sensibilities were drawn to something else entirely. You’d always say reading was a more sensible passage of time. You would spend hours upon hours lounging in one of the library nooks or on a blanket in the palace gardens, surrounded by the pastel of the flowers.

You were in that garden when the assassin took a knife to your throat.

You lived, but it scared your mother terribly. Surprising—since you’d never known her to be a person who had any fears. In your mind, it could only mean two things. One, she loved you to some extent—she might just have a weird way of expressing it. Two, someone was threatening her bloodline and consequently, perhaps more importantly, someone was threatening her throne.

And she will not let that happen in her lifetime.

───

It has been two weeks since your throat was sliced open. Two weeks since the doctor instructed you to minimize strenuous activity and if you could, stay in bed as to not open the stitches.

‘You don’t know how lucky you are,’ the doctor has told you every day after your daily checkup. You know this, of course. Had the knife gone any deeper and had your court ladies not been around the corner, you’d be dead. It was, however, a hilarious thought that someone would bring a blunt knife to an assassination.

Your mother didn’t think it was funny. But in your delicate state, the anger in her eyes had never been funnier, and it pained your throat whenever you’d attempt to laugh.

“Will you stop it? The doctor spent hours on those. What will we do if they scar?” You rolled your eyes in response and she scoffed. “Glad to see you’re as genteel as ever, it’d be a shame if you had lost that lively nature of yours.” It sounded sarcastic, but she meant it. She did not want you to be passive. In her mind, that would only led to you becoming spineless and spineless Queen can't rule. You ignored her words, instead gesturing for one of the maids to bring you a cup of water.

“I’ve arranged for the competition to take place tomorrow, do you think you’ll be up for it?”

You furrowed your brows, “Competition?” Your voice came out roughly. The stitches began to itch.

Your mother groaned, “Please refrain from speaking, but yes, competition, have you not been listening to me? The best soldiers and eligible men have been traveling from across the nation for some time now. The men will fight and we shall see who is best equipped to protect the Crown Princess.”

“Must—” you coughed, “must we make them fight? Can’t we just pick one?”

“Just pick one?” She looked into your eyes incredulously, “You must have hit your head and injured your intelligences if you think I’d let just any one person be in charge of you. You must have the best.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Very well.” She nodded once, “The doctor has cleared you to attend so rest, you will be awakened bright and early tomorrow!”

She walked out of the room and left you to your devices. You sighed. You allowed your court ladies to help you out of your daily garments, clean your wound, place the ointment and replace the bandage.

You repeated the process in the morning, placing a necklace over the bandage, ensuring it is not too tight but stays in place. You prepared for the days’ events, and after a couple of restrained breaths, you walked out of the room with your court ladies in toe.

───

Bada Lee spent her childhood just outside the place. Her family had raised generations of soldiers, many of which served in the Royal Guard. That was, until her father was dismissed and demoted to being a simple guard in the rural countryside. He had dedicated his entire life to the Queen and it was a shock to everyone when he’d been told of his dismissal. Up to his last breath, he’d grow angry whenever she’d asked him why. Why did we leave? How could a loving Queen throw us away as if we were nothing? She’d been upheaved from the City, and littered some place where she’d have to fight if she wanted anything to come from her life. Well, fight harder than she’d have to in the City.

Still, she knew that it didn’t matter where she was. Whether in the Capital City or the countryside, external expectations would have her be a wife and a mother soon after. She watched her mother suffer under these conditions, watched her neighbors, and the change in her friends’ nature as they came of age and were married off. They were all unhappy.

She’d be damned if she was destined to a miserable marriage. But above all, she’d be damned if she dies a nobody. Just another woman, forgotten by history.

Nope. That’s not her.

Growing up, she loved watching her father and brother train. She’d try to join, but her father would quickly push her away. She would try day after day, but it couldn’t be helped. So she turned to making her own sword out of a fallen tree branch. She’d copy their movements, the placement of their feet and how the air would rest in their lungs and rush out with the lunge of the sword—well, the lunge of the stick for her. Her brother agreed to train with her, but in his teenage years, he grew resentful of her talent. He decided to begin training a different skill, archery, but soon enough, he realized that this too came naturally for her. Over the years he turned to different combat skills, only for Bada to overpower him again and again. One day, he stopped helping her at all.

It was a cold winter when the sickness spread across the countryside. It was the sickness that took her father and it was the sickness that took her brother. The town had to develop a new burial site due to the amount of people that died at the beginning of the season. Death didn't relent there; people continued dying and dying until that site was full with bodies.

By the time her family succumbed to their sickness, there was nowhere to put them. For days on end, her only company was their cold bodies. She had placed them in a separate room, putting as much distance as she could. As the winter grew colder and she stared at the makeshift tomb’s door, she realized she depended entirely on them. As it stood, she was nothing, less than nothing, by herself. It was a matter of time before someone hunted her down, a young woman without any male relatives left and tried to turn her into a sellable thing.

She’d be damned.

In a feat of fear and anger, she grabbed her brother’s clothes and changed into them and styled her hair as he would. She looked into the small mirror, surprised to see that her crazy plan might just work.

But she needed to make people think it was her that died.

The day the town hall proposed a mass burial, she changed her brother’s clothes into her own and loosened his hair from the top knot it was in. She shaved his beard, feeling disgusted at the act and with herself for feeling the need to do this. She pushed through: this was about her survival. She reported the bodies, and snuck into the site later that night. Sure, she would be shamelessly taking her brother’s identity from this day forward, but that did not mean she would bury her brother in anything other than his clothes. She did not want that karma. Plus she could afford to lose one of the five hanboks.

The next day, she watched anxiously as they buried the mass of bodies.

She should’ve felt terrible about her relief once they were under the soil, and she did, she would miss them. At some point during the week she lived with their corpses, she forgave them for any bad they did to her. She could only think of the good things now, her father’s jjigae and her brother’s light banter.

She did feel bad, but at the same time, a weight had been lifted. She wouldn’t need to get married now, she could pursue something, she could walk around at night without a chaperone and she could talk to people without worrying about being seen as vulgar.

Yes, under her disguise, she was finally free.

───

Lee Bada had been Lee Hae for a year by the time the Queen requested all eligible soldiers to report to the Capital City. Her commanding officer recommended her to go as one of the top soldiers under his command. She has managed to climb her way through the ranks, demonstrating her strength wherever she went.

Nobody knew the Mother of the Nation had called them to the palace, but if only the strongest were allowed to go, then Bada was going to make sure she was at top.

It was strange being back in the Capital City and even weirder to see the inside of the palace when all she’d known before was its gates.

Bada stood in line with the rest of the soldiers in the palace’s courtyard, towering over some of them. Her back maintained straight, her head held high, as the Crown Princess approached the Queen. She bowed to the queen and sat down next to her. Bada controlled her facial expressions, but her feelings couldn’t be helped. The Crown Princess had made the soldiers wait under the sun, and now she had the audacity to look bored. Despite being so far away, she could see the way you whispered into one of your court ladies’ ears and how they covered their mouth. The laughter showed in their eyes though. In contrast, your attempt to cover your giggle was lazy, your hand falling from the front of your mouth before you could control your expression once more. Bada wanted to scoff. Had you no decency? Before Bada’s bitterness could grow further, the Queen began speaking.

“Welcome, loyal soldiers and citizens. I have invited you here today to compete for the highest honor of joining the Royal Guard and protecting your Crown Princess.” Her open palm gestured to her side, where the Princess sat gracefully. “It is a title that comes with great responsibility, and requires skill, power and loyalty. It would please me for each of you to partake and serve your country in the process. If you wish to stay, please take a step forward.”

Each of the four hundred soldiers took a step, the sound booming through the courtyard. Bada did not look to see if any citizens had stepped forward.

“I am so glad! The competition consists of a six stages with different ‘games.’ You must accumulate enough points in each stage to successfully move up to the next one. Today, we shall begin the first stage. You must ride out into the woods and bring back a rabbit that has been trapped and hidden. There are only two hundred rabbits.” the Queen paused and with a clap of her hands, “Go!”

───

“I don’t get the point of this game,” You stated without looking up from your book. “They’ve been out there for hours and no one is back yet.”

“Patience, daughter,” the Queen responded, “There must be a basis to being a good protector, is there not? Wouldn’t you say that enduring long distance and persevering in the woods is a good baseline?”

“You are so creative, Mother,” you sighed into your book, “You can come up with such fantastical scenarios.”

“So you would rather have someone who doesn’t know how to endure long distances riding and persevere in the woods?”

You didn’t respond.

The first to arrive was a seasoned soldier. He had been part of the Royal Guard for more than a decade, and was known for his hunting skills. The second person caught your mother’s attention. One tall and broad-shouldered man rushed through the Palace gates with 4 rabbits hanging from his horse with a robe. He dismounted, grabbing the robe, throwing it on the ground and bowing before the Queen.

“Seowol from the Southern coast, your Royal Highness.”

“Seowol?” Your mother questioned, “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I do believe you were only supposed to take one rabbit.”

“I wanted to secure a strong position, your Highness.” He remained in a bowed position, looking down, his arms stiff along his body.

“Certainly! Please follow eunuch Jinho to the bathroom and a change of clothes. You’ll be called when everyone has arrived.” He looked up and nodded, and quickly did as instructed.

The court ladies swooned over the man once he’d walked away, but you hardly moved.

“Did you see the way he looked at you? Oh!” the young lady fanned her hand. You chuckled, amused by the younger girl’s reaction.

“The way he got off his horse and showed the rabbits, he was so cool!”

“And handsome! Don’t forget handsome!”

You rolled your eyes at that one, “He wasn’t even that handsome.”

“So you do think he was handsome!” They all laughed, having caught something in your words.

“Listen to me, I said he was not all that handsome.” You repeated, “I’ve seen better.”

They gushed, trying to get you to elaborate, but your mother was beginning to look at you sideways. You thought it was better to stop then. With the light hearted fun you were having with your ladies, you forgot all about the dull ache of your throat. The reason you were having this ridiculous competition in the first place. The truth was there was something about Seowol that disgusted you. You couldn’t quite place it, it could be the abruptness in his movements and the way he threw the rabbits on the ground, or perhaps the coldness behind his eyes. A mindless cruelty to innocent beings.

Returner after returner, it was the same and they started blending into each other. They’d rush through the gates, and present the robed rabbit in front of the Queen before they bowed. They announced their name loudly, as if shouting would make the Queen remember them better. The cook would take the rabbit and disappear to the kitchens.

That was, until number 73th entered the yard. The sun was beginning to set, leaving the sky in a canvas of lovely purples and pinks. You didn’t notice him at first, but soon your ladies began to whisper. This particular soldier entered calmly, and only one hand on the horse’s bridle. A small ball of white highlighted by the black of his uniform. As he got closer, you saw that the white speck of fluff was the rabbit. He cradled it on his left arm, making sure it didn’t jump or fall. Once he’d reach the stage, he dismounted carefully. You noticed his height, and for the life of you, you couldn’t figure out how his shoulders managed to look both broad and slender at the same time. He came closer, bowing deeply before your mother and to your surprise, he began to approach you.

He was quickly stopped by your mother’s guards blocking his path.

“Please, your Royal Highness, let him approach,” You surprised yourself. For the past two weeks, you were scared you were growing paranoid of strangers and people in general. The fear was earned to some extent, you had just been attacked, but you were even more afraid that you’d grow to be scared of everyone, everything, and never come out of your bedroom ever again. Though, now, as you look over at your mother to let the stranger approach you, it seemed this fear wasn’t going to be an issue after all. You were going to be okay. In a lower voice this time, “Please, Mother.”

She rolled her eyes discreetly, waving her hand. “Let him through.”

The guards retracted. The man moved closer to you, and he bowed. You noticed the smoothness of his jaw, the curve of his lips and the pretty way his lashes decorated his pretty brown eyes. He was pretty. So much so you held your breath when his eyes finally met yours.

“My Princess.” He smiled, “For you.”

Oh.

Someone behind you gasped, and you were glad for the noise because that way he might not be able to hear the beating of your heart.

“May I?”

You nodded, despite not knowing what you had agreed to. The man walked even closer to you, and you unconsciously leaned forward. He placed the bunny in your hands, and you searched for his lingering fingers through the white fluff. He retrieved far too soon. You wanted to touch him for some reason. You wanted him to get close again and you wanted him to call you, once again, his prin—

“And what might your name be?” Your mother was not amused.

“Soldier Lee Hae, your Royal Highness.” He addressed his queen but his eyes never left yours.

“Lee, huh? You do know that was your dinner, correct? You won’t have dinner?” Your head snapped to your mother. She could not possibly!

“As long as my Princess is content, my stomach shall never be empty.”

Your head snapped back at him, a slightly ajar mouth. The corners of your mouth lifted slightly, but a sharp pain in your neck scared any adoring feelings away. The stitches tugged on your skin, and you brought your hand to your neck.

“Very well, no dinner. You may sit down, Soldier Lee Hae.”

───

Well, that was fucking stupid. Bada groaned, grabbing her stomach. She just had to give that damned rabbit to the Crown Princess, didn’t she? Even now, hours after dinner and well into their resting time, Bada could not decipher why she chose to spare the rabbit.

You had just looked so beautiful, and before she knew it, she was right in front of you. And as she remembers the look on your face when she gave you the bunny, your parted lips and your widening eyes as you looked up at her, Bada realized she only regretted her choice slightly.

There was no denying your beauty. Everyone knew that while you might be the Crown, you were also the prettiest bird in the eyes of the people.

But Bada couldn’t get distracted. She came here with a purpose. She was going to join the Royal Guard and bring back honor to her family. You might have been eye candy, but it didn’t change the fact that you represented what Bada lost, what she never realistically had a chance at.

It killed her. It killed her that they had a woman King and yet every other woman was still viewed as inferior. Did the only women that mattered lived in the palace? You got to be trained, you got to study the books—why couldn’t they? Why was it that she will need to pretend to be a boy for the rest of her life to feel free?

Could it be helped? Would you be different from your mother?

Her mind turned to her selfish thoughts. Perhaps she could use today’s events to her advantage. She could grow closer to you, on purpose this time, and perhaps that’d help her on the long run. She’d earn her position, of course; that was nonnegotiable.

The hunger grew furiously as she got lost in her thoughts. She couldn’t take it any longer. She got up, quickly wrapping the tight cloth over her chest. She hid a small knife on the inside of her left wrist, a security measure, though she was unlikely to need it. She grabbed something to cover herself with and left the small room she’d been provided with.

She was lucky to finish stage 1 where she did. When the last of the 197 soldiers that would pass on to the next stage arrived, they were well into dinner. The Queen had stated that for the remaining stages of the competition, only the top half scorers would receive a sole bedroom. Everyone else will sleep in the Great Hall. She reasoned it was to keep up the morale and ramp up ambition. It certainly did motivate Bada though. She did not wish to sleep uncomfortably among the stinky men. It was so weird, Bada knew they showered and mere hours later, a musk would develop around them.

She walked towards the kitchens as quietly as she could. Once there, she rummaged through the shelves, searching for something that was not a raw vegetable.

“Please, please, please…” She murmured to herself, and in her desperation, she did not hear the footsteps coming from the side entrance.

“Who is there?” A voice resounded. Bada froze, quickly kneeling down and hidden under the shelf. Fuck! “As Crown Princess, I command you to reveal yourself!”

The Princess? What was she doing up this late?

Bada had hoped that it was a younger staff member also searching for food (someone she could try her charm on), a simple guard (someone she could try to relate to and proclaim guard-to-guard solidarity), hell, she’d even hoped for a thief (someone who was even guiltier than she was). But the Princess? The Princess was someone she could not face. Perhaps for more than one reason.

As discreetly as she could, she crawled towards the end of the shelf. Across from here, there was a long table she could hide under and right across the table was the entrance.

She could make it.

If only she hadn’t run directly into the Princess’ feet.

She landed on her knees, and dread filled her head. She hung it in shame, some hair coming loose and framing her face. So this is how she would die, huh? With nothing to her name, a mere soldier title that she didn’t even earn herself. She would die without a legacy, without—

“Is that you, Lee Hae?” Your voice sounded extra sweet under the moonlight. “How come you’re out here at this time?”

She wanted the earth to open and swallow her whole. But there was no getting out of this.

“Princess Royal, please forgive my shamelessness.” She did not look up, still on her knees. “In my hunger, I forgot my place. I beg for your forgiveness.”

There was a long silence after Bada finished talking. Should she have said more? She was already on her knees, what else could she do to humiliate herself in front of the Princess?

“You’re telling me my contentment was not enough for you?”

Bada lifted her head quickly, only to realize too late you were mere inches away. You were so close she could count each beauty mark, each freckle on your face. She’d kiss them if you’d let her. She shook her head. Stupid Bada, concentrate on not dying!

“That isn’t it at all, my Princess.” She shook her head violently, to which you chuckled in response, lifting your hand to cover your mouth.

“So you’re a liar, then.”

“No, no! I am not, my Princess,” Bada opened her palms, “I will admit that as earnestly as my heart believes a smile from you is all I ever need to survive in this world, my earthly body persists in imprisoning me with cravings. I sincerely did not mean to succumb to my hunger.”

You watched the young soldier as they hung their head once more. You thought Lee was…funny. Funny in a very lovely and forward way that you couldn’t help but want more of. You brought a hand closer to her face, fingers lifting her chin.

Bada allowed the princess to lift her face, flushing at the contact. She could feel the heat rushing to her face, and it embarrassed her that you could have this effect on her. How you made her lose composure.

“Look at me,” you stated. Your head followed the brown eyes as they moved, trying to get them to look at you. “Soldier Lee, look at me.” You said it firmly this time around. Finally, the person in question did as asked. Big eyes looked up at you, begging for something you weren’t sure you could give.

“You know, Soldier Lee, you are the prettiest man I’ve ever met.”

Oh.

Widened eyes and dropped jaw, “I—”

‘I am not a man,’ she wanted to say. She almost did, and the fact that she nearly gave herself away scared her. She had never come this close to telling someone the truth. Not on impulse nor consciously. To the Princess no less! She was a mess. She’d better get a hold of herself if she intends on making it through.

Bada had proven that she was good with words, and here you were, leaving her stunned. You enjoyed it, maybe a bit too much. Abruptly, you stood up, leaving the soldier down on her knees. You offered a hand, and it was like a spell being broken. She took it. She gathered herself and she was back into the charming and highly trained voice. Your curiosity for the soldier grew as you watched; there was just something that screamed constraint in the way Lee spoke, but for now, you chucked it up to the respectability rules of the Queendom.

“I am sorry for interrupting your night, your Highness. I will take my leave.” Bada turned, but was quickly stopped when you grabbed her wrist.

It surprised both of you. As a noble princess, you had been taught from a young age that nobody but appointed servants get to come in contact with your skin. Yet here you were—two for two.

“Well, actually,” you began, “I’m here because I did not want you to go to sleep hungry.” You let go of Bada’s wrist, and she already missed the warmth of your skin on hers. It had been such a long time since anyone had touched her outside of training.

You signaled for her to follow you. She did, and you guided her to a small table on a corner. A small, white towel covered something and when you lifted it, Bada’s eyes widened. A golden serving tray filled with dishes.

“I ordered something be cooked for you,” you said, hands fidgeting, “I’m afraid it’s probably cold by now. I would’ve tried to get you sooner but my Mother kept me by her side much longer than I expected.”

“I—Thank you, your Royal Highness.” Bada bowed, stomach rumbling and mouth watering. “Thank you.”

“Please, you don’t have to do that.” You said quickly, “You were kind to me, and I couldn’t let my mother punish you for it.” You moved to pick up the tray, glaring at Bada when she tried to hold it for you instead. “I can do it! Plus, I know a spot.”

You walked gracefully, quickly, without spilling a single thing on the tray. Bada was amazed. The both of you stuck to the sides of buildings, remaining in the shadows. Bada anxiously looked around; what would people think if they saw her with the Princess? What rumors will they spread, and how much will they cost her? Her life?

“Through there.” The door was covered with greenery, and Bada could not see the door.

She moved closer to you, whispering into your ear, “where?”

She genuinely couldn’t see it.

You shivered. You could faintly feel her chest against your back, and the warmth it radiated.

You shook your head.

“Here, hold this.” You passed the tray to Bada, making quick work of the hidden door. You opened it and walked through. You moved the vines for Bada, she bent down and met you on the other side.

“Wow…” She gasped. It was a beautiful space, filled with colorful flowers and a pond, four trees on each corner. There was a small house, and Bada doubted it was more than just a bedroom and a bathroom.

“It is the old gardener’s place, but he died and it became abandoned.” You said, placing the tray on the wooden ledge in front of the small house. “The new gardener had a family, so he understandably needed a bigger space.”

You giggled nervously, and Bada found herself loving the sound. She got so lost in your voice and the pretty flowers that she nearly forgot how hungry she was. Nearly.

Bada sat down next to you.

“It’s beautiful.”

“I know!” She said excitedly, your eyes sparkling with joy, “Mother thought of destroying it and building something else but I just loved it so much, I wouldn’t let her. I begged her to let me have it for days, she agreed eventually and now it’s my little place! Very few people know about it; my Mother, the new gardener, my lady-in-waiting, you…”

You finished shyly, smiling at Bada before quickly looking away. Would it be too forward of her to grab your face and make you look at her?

Yes, she decided, yes, it would be.

Her stomach growled.

“Oh,” You gasped, “Please eat! I didn’t mean to make you wait.”

“Please, eat with me.”

“No, no, I ate quite well earlier,” you said, “and you didn’t!”

“I don’t want to eat by myself,” Bada said, “Princess, eat with me, please.”

“I’m telling you I won’t,” refusing her once more, “I'll force feed you this meal myself if you don’t start eating soon.”

“Is that a proposition?” Bada smirked. Your cheeks grew warm against your will.

“I only mean… I want you to eat, you have gone hungry because of me. I don’t want you to be hungry any longer.”

“Would you feed me then?” Bada’s eyes looked down at yours, “If I asked you to?”

You cleared your throat, eyes meeting. “Forgive me, soldier, if I’ve come across in a certain light. But I will never feed a man with two capable hands of his own.”

Bada saw the intensity in your eyes, and how they refused to look away from her hers. She leaned closed, eyes growing dangerous the longer she stayed fixated on you.

“You say ‘a man with two capable hands’ but what if I wasn’t a man? How can you be sure that I am?” Bada brought a hand closer to you, “How do you know these work?” She had gone crazy. In your gaze, she had forgotten herself.

Still, in the back of her mind: if she wasn’t in disguise now, would you feed her then?

You finally broke eye contact, looking down at Bada’s hand. It surprised you how much you wanted to hold it, it surprised you even more when your body started reacting to it. A simple hand with long fingers. A calloused hand from days spent training, yet unlike the hands of the men you’ve encountered. Their hands didn’t bring this strange feeling to your stomach. You mind showed you images of these very hands moving along your body; from the nape of your neck, down your side and in between your—

You scoffed, and then chuckled, “Please don’t be ridiculous, soldier Lee. Now, eat, the food is getting colder by the second.”

Bada covered her feelings with a laugh. She was relieved you ignored her impulsive questions, and at the same time, your response left a bitter taste in her mouth. You were just being nice this entire time? Was there really nothing else in your lingering touches and loving eyes? They were childish questions, but it stung nonetheless. She sighed internally; she couldn’t possibly be getting this close now. It was normal to a certain extent, she had the tendency to develop crushes all the time. Sure, developing one in the Princess would complicate the 'get close to you and advance her career' plot, but she was already here.

All her crushes have faded with time, and this one will too.

Bada finally began eating and she was grateful to you once again. She said so, with cheeks full of food and complete disregard for rules. Rules, you had both broken some many of them already, why start caring about them now?