#which was valid and understandable as hell

[pearlykissxoxo]

To give my insight into this, I’m a generally emotional person in part due to my neurodivergency(I have autism and ADHD), and it’s made my life a hell of a lot more difficult. I latched onto the whole “ticking time bomb” saying because that’s literally who I was: Someone who forced people to walk on eggshells whenever they did so much as talk to me.

I have trouble communicating with others properly, I can’t get a understand or get a grasp on my own emotions, I often get burnt out because doing minimal tasks that are outside the schedule I have built into my brain are too much for me sometimes.

To top that off I have very bad anxiety and depression, which have inadvertently warped my view of myself, other people, and life in general, making me believe the world isn’t just fucked up, but deserves the absolute worst and that absolutely nobody is redeemable. Not even myself.

I feel like I can’t recover not just because I don’t want to, but because I feel like it’s quite literally impossible for someone like me. My support system is either doing much worse than me physically/mentally, or doesn’t and never will understand the extent of why I feel life is so exhausting and excruciating.

I’ve jumped between 3 or so different therapists this year because either they made me feel inadequate and like I didn’t have a right to be there, or simply didn’t reach the needs I was hoping for.

Jirai Kei to me isn’t just some subculture for mentally struggling people, it’s quite literally the amalgamation of feeling like no one can truly understand your pain and feeling like the pain is so bad that you’d wish you were better off simply not existing.

Maybe I’ll never know what it’s like living as a young Japanese person, where the topic of mental health is VERY much undermined and misunderstood, but does that make my own experiences as a neurodivergent, queer afab person in America any less valid? No. It shouldn’t.

Case in point, Jirai Kei to me is embracing your mental health and its issues because there’s no one else out there who feels them the way you feel them. Your experiences are unique to you.

Only you can define yourself, and nobody else.

Something that I’ve been thinking about a lot is what Jirai Kei is and what it means. What draws me to the style is how I remember writing poetry about feeling like I was a “ticking time bomb” many years ago. It feels like I’m seen finally in who I am, in a way. I may seem put together, but I’m a highly emotional, sensitive, and expressive person. The person where it’s only a matter of time until I have a breakdown or an outburst of emotion. That’s a part of my life and who I am, that I’ve never been able to acknowledge. I’ve been told to “stop being a baby” growing up so much that I’ve had to learn how to try to keep my emotions at bay and fail. I guess it’s also has to do with obvious signs of mental illness and physical illness that have been ignored and dismissed growing up.

Yet, I’m supposed to be “better now”. I can’t share when I’m struggling to hold back a panic attack or biting my lip to stop myself from crying. I’m not supposed to feel super happy and then super sad the next moment.

However, within this style, it embraces that. It embraces how deeply I feel and how I’ll always struggle with my mental health. It embraces it and tells me it’s okay. That I can struggle, that I can acknowledge and say that I’m not doing okay. I don’t have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be sad all the time. I’m free to feel and express it.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay on this Earth and live, even if it hurts a lot. I know some people say that lifestyle jirai kei don’t want to get better, but I don’t think that accounts for everyone. For me, Jirai Kei is a way to express how deep I feel and my struggles. It’s a way to express when I’m feel depressed or lost or anxious.

I think the point of my ramblings is to just say that you should define what Jirai Kei means to you.

Recovery is beautiful, but I also acknowledge some people aren’t there yet or don’t want to be. Just remember that it’s a beautiful thing to feel emotion so deeply. You don’t have to engage in self destructive behavior to be “a part of the jirai kei community”.

Anyways, I’m done. Thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

[glacialswordsman]

while working on halovian yaya's hsr outfit redesign, i made minor changes to the og and i prefer it much more! i toned down the gold into something brassy, and i think it meshes a lot better compared to the striking yellow that seemed to have clashed previously.

[corviiids]

there are many arguments for why light could be transmasc but chief among them to me is that it explains why soichiro and sachiko yagami have one child named "sayu" and one child named "light but it's written with the kanji for moon unusual isn't it"

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it

Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.

[futuretrain]

i don't know how to fucking explain it to you but scott not waiting hand and foot on stiles and coming to personally kiss his every booboo is not scott being "unsupportive" or a "shitty friend" especially when he continues to stand by his friend for every season of this whole show jfc

[bumblingbabooshka]

Something about this interaction between Harry & Janeway - specifically Janeway but it's notable that Harry's the one listening because I think, say, Chakotay or B'Elanna might push back against the idolization of this 'it was different back in those days' way of thinking.

[juney-blues]

99% of conversations on anarchism about here are hampered by people having no clue what anarchists are talking about when they refer to "the state", including, it seems, the anarchists themselves.

[citrine-elephant]

there is nothing strictly heterosexual about the way leon looks at other men, i swear

[alectoperdita]

I wanna protect everyone who's still willing to draw joukai art in this day and age while braving how it's increasingly the fandom black sheep ship and tumblr's shitty reblogging drought

[inkperch]

...I honestly love how Claude like, very clearly subtextually takes Lorenz's constant undermining and distrust of him to be a rasicm thing, meanwhile Lorenz is literally just politicking with a side of genuinely distrusting Claude for Claude's own sketchy ass moments. Which are a defense mechanism. Because of the racism--

[timeisacephalopod]

Been seeing a weird amount of shit about AO3 on my dash, at least in part because of some alleged DDOS attack on the site but like I gotta say. If you get frothing at the mouth angry when you see 2 letters and a number losing your absolute marbles making up pizzagate ass sounding conspiracies because you have Feelings on fanfiction then I need you to shut the fuck up. You care too much about something that's nothing at all expect in a highly niche online world you're treating like a global meeting of countries looking to slap your puppy in particular and frankly I find it pathetic.

[bunnyboy-juice]

struggling very hard to feel connected to my femme identity and feeling big grief about that

[alchemiclee]

do you ever feel like some people dont understand the difference between pity and sympathy/empathy? (people don't even know the difference between those two, to be fair) giving someone sympathy or having empathy for them is not the same as pitying them. someone trying to reach out and seeking or expecting sympathy from you or wanting empathy isn't wanting you to pity them!!!!!! dont mix the two up 😭

[unproduciblesmackdown]

already thinking "and by 'religious' really i mean 'christian'" re: how the term "religion" is not really useful when it's largely like, from a christian perspective, what is considered "equivalent" of christianity, see: perhaps a "rival"/obstacle to some person or group being considered christian....and even if not thinking about converting anyone, resulting in some at best misinterpretation / misrepresentation based on framing it through/as [element of christianity] and limiting of any more accurate language

like how tumblr recommends me a post about someone thinking about "religion" in general and concluding that it's Weird and perhaps Wrong for anyone who is a "true believer" in their religion(tm) to Not be proselytizing / trying to Convert everyone. like yeah why isn't everyone being an evangelical christian, they ought to be, benevolently informing all those around them that they're going to hell, otherwise. don't see any problem with this conclusion, or that someone's getting antisemitic in the notes already in agreement, or that That's Not How This Works and you don't just know how All "Religion" works based on considering it to be an alternate version of christianity (which in itself doesn't All work like that either)

[verystressedcollegestudent]

if there's one thing i hate more than slackers in group projects its goddamn hypocrites

[genspiel]

sometimes i read negative reviews of books i enjoyed, just for fun, and i can't get over this one person who read The Stone Sky and said it was confusing because.......... second person is used for multiple characters. like??? no???? it's still just essun