#which probably explains why i feel ill because i have to wake up and go to work and do sports jobs

[cryolyst]

~

[kyurilin]

Can't sleep, once again thinking about how I used to be paranoid about anyone so much as glimpsing my writing before it was finished and how now I will straight drop unfinished Google docs on friends at like midnight and not freak out

[wosoragebaiter69]

why would you train?

barça femeni x young!reader

prompt: i feel sick, i love sickfics. that’s it. it’s my symptoms into a story because it’s my only coping mechanism.

A/N: my friend made me sick and i’m acc annoyed now like wtf. i feel horrible.

TW: mentions of illness

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When you wake up, it feels as if someone has ran you over with a bus and drove back to do it again. Your throat was sore, your head pounding and you overall felt lethargic. The worst thing was, training was today and no matter what you’d have to go. That’s probably not true, but its been like that all your life with trainings, why stop now?

Getting through the morning was a challenge, you hoped that if you had a throat lolly and paracetamol that everything would go away and the day would roll by smoothly. How wrong you were to think that.

You arrive at training around 10 minutes late due to traffic, which meant doing extra laps. You’re glad though, it means the others haven’t realised yet. You joined at 17 and the older girls really took you under their wing and essentially adopted you. In particular Lucy and Keira. You lived with the couple until around 7 months ago. You’re 19 now.

After completing the laps assigned by Alexia you make your way over to where everyone else is and give them a half-hearted smile before apologising to Alexia. She seems content and Jona starts to explain the main plans for training. Sprints, conditioning and a scrimmage at the end. You internally groan, this was the worst day to be sick on. You just nod along with your teammates and start warming up.

Keira jogs over next to you and examines your face.

“You alright? You seem a little on edge.” She asks softly.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” You say a little too quickly, before running off at a faster pace.

- - - - -

After an hour or so, you feel lightheaded and start swaying before sitting on the ground. It seems the medicine did nothing to help and the previous numbness of your throat has now subsided and is replaced by the feeling of daggers. Mapi comes over sitting next to you, passing a water bottle.

“Are you ok?” She asks as you wince drinking the water that’s burning down your throat.

You nod slowly, not willing to speak but the movement only makes you feel like collapsing.

“Can I… go get someone? You don’t look too good cariño.” All you can do do is lean into her side, exhaustion taking over as your muscles ache. She makes hand movements.

Ingrid walks over along with Keira and Alexia, you notice Lucy speaking with Caroline. But still keeping a cautious eye on you from across the field.

“Hey elskling, you don’t look too bright.” Ingrid crouches down blocking the sun, which you’re eternally grateful for.

“Eh.” You shrug, looking at Keira, then Alexia and back to Ingrid.

“Mind telling us how you’re feeling? And do not lie.” This is one of the first times you’ve heard Ingrid be stern, it scares you in a way so you do as told.

“Sore throat, head hurts and feels weird and my muscles are sore.” You say, clearly in pain and your voice croaks slightly.

“Why would you train? Or not tell anyone?” Alexia asks. You shrug. “Alright, go home with Keira and get better ok? Next time you feel sick you don’t come to training understood?” You nod and Keira wraps her arm around your shoulder, Mapi holds your waist and they lift you up so you’re standing.

They take their time taking you to the car, running to the locker room to get Keira and your stuff and coming back.

“Gracias Mapi.” You whisper to the defender who pats your head and walks back to training.

“When we get back you can shower, I’ll make some food and give you cold medicine, I’m not going to ask if that’s alright with you because this is just the start of what you need to feel better.” You half smile and lean against the window looking at the bustling Barcelona.

- - - - -

When arriving home, Keira helps you out and gives you some of your old clothes you still had at the house. You take a warm shower which helps your pounding head, this takes your mind of everything for a couple minutes.

After the shower you slowly make your way to the couch and plop down, almost falling asleep.

“Nope, no sleeping. I’m giving you a throat sweet to hopefully ease that pain of yours and did you take any meds this morning?” She asks.

“Paracetamol.” You whine.

“Alright, Ibuprofen it is then. Come on take these, then you can sleep however long you need.” You do as she says, and start falling asleep almost immediately as the pain starts to fade.

She lifts you up and takes you to your bedroom from when you lived here and tucks you in. Saying something about lunch, but you’re too tired to understand.

- - - - -

You’re woken by someone whispering sweet nothings in your ears, you lazily open your eyes to find Lucy moving the hair out of your face and behind your ear.

“Good afternoon, Keira made soup. Are you feeling up to walking outside or would you like to stay here?” She asks, speaking in the softest and quietest voice she can muster.

“Outside.” You murmur, voice even hoarser than before, Lucy cringes at the sound.

“Alright, let’s get you up then.” You slowly follow her movements and she helps you walk to the couch, Keira is there along with Marta and Caro. There’s soup on the table and there’s only one person it could belong to.

Lucy places you down on the couch and you subconsciously lean into Keira’s comfort.

“Alright bug, I’m gonna get you to eat all this soup alright? I’ve also made some tea which should hopefully soothe your throat a little bit more.” You nod, too tired and too sore to do anything else.

Keira feeds you the soup and watches as you wince slightly every-time you swallow, she saddenes at the sight.

“You’re doing well, only a couple more bites love.” She whispers.

After you’ve eaten it all, your throat is still sore, your headache has gone away for the most part but the sore throat just never seems to leave.

“Nena, how bad does your throat still hurt?” Marta says, turning her focus toward you after whispering with Lucy.

“Worse than before.” Your voice rasps and it pains to speak, the girls understand perfectly well.

“Alright, we will look after you until you’re better. You should have another one of those throat soothers. That should hopefully ease your pain a little bit.” Caro says, moving to place her hand on your knee. You smile in agreement.

Over the next 2 days they look after you until full health. It’s nice and you endlessly thank them for their caring natures.

- - - - -

ok guys i need ur help, i got a request for aitana x ona and i’m not sure whether to post on tumblr or ao3 🤷 also if anyone can tell me how to write about 2 people my messages are open

anyways hope you enjoyed, my throat is killing me. stay safe friends 🕺 i have 2 more requests sooo plz request

[ozzgin]

Greetings! How you doing today/tonight?

This is not a request or anything

Hopefully you're doing fine, cuz I'm not, I have a shitty cold rn and I just finished 5 tissue roll papers in just a few hours

Anyway this ain't about me, just wanted to see how you were doing since I've been a bit inactive with tumblr with the past few days

Have a great day/night :3

-🎧anon

Aww, sorry to hear that. We’re definitely entering cold/flu season. Mid-October I’ve gotten ill with some virus, no idea what it was, but I had no other symptoms other than terribly swollen sinuses. Which, in turn, pressed on my tooth nerves, so I had massive tooth pain for days. Never dealt with anything like that before and it sounds downright ridiculous, turns out it’s an actual thing. Start taking immunity supplements and avoid visibly sick people!

I know you said it’s not a request, but I couldn’t help the thought of “How would the Baki characters take care of you?” So I did write some short headcanons after all. For you and anyone else currently bedridden. :)

Baki Characters x Sick! Reader

Featuring Baki and Jack Hanma, Kaiou Retsu, Katsumi Orochi and Pickle. And a reader that’s battling a cold!

Baki Hanma

There are two stages of Baki’s involvement. Once you’re not answering his calls he will be at your front door, worried and considering ways to break in. That’s when he hears the muffled coughing and sneezing through the walls and figures it out: You’re sick. He’ll return with a bag of supplies and offer to stay at your place until you feel better. His help consists of quick Google searches, because he’s never had anyone doting on him and consequently has no idea how to care for someone in such situations.

Second and final stage is him getting sick from you. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night to see him trying to hold back his cough, at first denying his poor health until you touch his forehead and it’s burning. The bad news is that you’re both bedridden. Baki is beyond embarrassed, attempting to justify himself and explaining it has never happened before. Eventually one of his or your friends will show up and pay the occasional visit to play nurse. At least you’re not suffering alone. You’re not sure if it’s an actual saying, but you’re tempted to believe colds go away faster in good company.

Jack Hanma

You don’t want to interfere with Jack’s routine, so once you wake up with the familiar sore muscles, you decide to quietly recover from home. Jack notices your absence and while he does not want to be nonchalant and potentially impose on your personal troubles, he can’t help the curiosity. In fact, he spends the whole training time wondering why you’ve skipped your usual visits. So when you hear a knock on the door you don’t think twice about opening it. Probably your food delivery. Only when you notice Jack’s massive frame blocking any outside view, you gasp in surprise.

“Oh. You seem to be ill.” Is all he states before turning on his heels and leaving. You stand there baffled and eventually return to your warm bed. Just as you cozy up, there’s another knock and you groan, throwing the blankets off of you. This better be the hot soup you ordered. Except it’s Jack again, holding not only your delivery, but also multiple other bags with groceries peeking out. “Y-you’re back?” You mumble. “Well, can’t do much empty handed. Here’s your order, but I got some extra things to help with your cold”, he states as he invites himself in.

Kaiou Retsu

You know Retsu will be worried about you, so you try your best to mask the symptoms over the phone. “That’s a stuffed nose. Are you sick?” He immediately points out. Uh oh. You fumble with some excuses and he promptly hangs up. Have you upset him? You’re starting to feel bad. He’s never dropped out of a conversation like this before. You try to call back several times until you’re distracted by the sound of your doorbell. You’re not in the mood for visitors. You continue your attempts to reach Retsu as you approach the door and open it. “I suspected as much.” Your head snaps up hearing the familiar voice.

Before you can say anything, you’re casually lifted up and brought to your bed. As if he’s been doing it his entire life, the Kenpo master tucks you in and pulls out an apron from his bag. “I’ll check what ingredients you already have in your pantry and go buy the rest. Before that, I’ll make you a tea. Any preferences?” You open your mouth to speak, but he’s already walking away, describing the best choice of drink for the common cold. Really, the best thing you can do right now is to rest and leave everything else to him.

Katsumi Orochi

Usually, Katsumi will avoid using the spare key you’ve given him. On the other hand, he was supposed to pick you up for your regular date night and you haven’t answered his persistent knocking, so you leave him little choice. He quietly apologizes for the intrusion as he unlocks the door and tiptoes his way in. The lights are off and he’s becoming increasingly anxious, almost sprinting to your bedroom. He stops in his tracks once he sees you buried under the blankets, passed out and sweaty from an obvious cold.

Ah. Well, that makes sense. He smiles to himself and gently pats your forehead to make sure it’s nothing serious, then sneaks out of the room. You wake up hours later, groggy and sore. It suddenly occurs to you that you’ve slept through your date and jolt up, nearly collapsing in the process. You erratically search for your phone and call Katsumi to apologize. Simultaneously you hear his ringtone nearby, so you limp outside, confused. As you reach the kitchen, a pleasant smell invades your nostrils. Katsumi turns to look at you. “You’re awake! I made something to help with your cold. I’ll bring it to your bed, so you can go back and rest. We can’t skip our romantic dinner.” He chuckles after the last statement.

Pickle

Pickle has been ill at least once in his life, so he can quickly guess that your coughing and runny nose is not something that’s supposed to happen on the regular. Although, if he’s honest, he has no idea what he should do. He’d deal with his sickness by just sleeping it out, or downright ignoring it. Seeing you like this, however, fills him with an overwhelming desire to help you. He does love you, after all. Witnessing your suffering isn’t something he does with ease.

He manages to gesture the situation to Baki, who follows him back to your place and proceeds to do the first aid he’d sporadically learned over the years. A rather clumsy attempt, but it’s better than nothing. Once Pickle has observed the steps, he swiftly shoos the young boy away. All he needed was a little bit of demonstration, some brief instruction on the modern ways. Everything else will be done by him. It’s only proper that the actual care is performed by your partner. You’re a little afraid of the potential outcome to this experiment. Especially once you hear the loud rattles coming from the kitchen. Don’t worry, it’s all made with love.

*My partner has insisted that I include Yuujirou Hanma just to say that he’d tenderly piss on you. I compromised on a footnote.

[mysticsublimeperson]

NUMB pt2

(pt1)

Arthur had noticed something, he didn't quite understand what exactly, and that was frustrating.

Then Merlin cancelled the only date night the had been able to schedule in a month, because of the difference in their work hours, and Merlin spended less and less time with him at work...

So ditching him to go to a club?

Yeah... Arthur was pissed.

But then, "They have notice that I 've been absent, unless you want me to explain where do I spend my free time lately, I better go with them to get them off my back. We wouldn't want anybody knowing your secret right?"

And damn if that didn't hurt.

He knew Merlin wasn't really happy with the arrangement, he knew that he had been crossing the line lately. Going off at work, mostly to throw people off the track, but also to let out some of his frustration. But what could he do?

It was impossible to continue with his life as it was, and have Merlin. He would loose everything, his job, his family, his status, probably the flat too... His father was sure to ruin his life if he gave that step.

But for the life of him, he could not let Merlin go. He will never let him go willingly. Merlin was the happiest he had been in his life. Waking up next to him, he felt at peace, felt understood, felt seen. The way Merlin looked at him, like he meant something extraordinary, made him feel complete.

But then the little doubt creep in, What would happen if Merlin grew tired of this baggage?

No.

What will happen when Merlin grow tired of this situation?

Arthur felt his chest heavy with guilt. It was bound to happen, he knew that, he, himself, had made sure of it. He had enough scape routes in case everything went south, but now he found that Merlin could also use them, and that thought was the scariest of them all.

Merlin went radio silent after that call, and Arthur understood.

Then the next day he could not find him at the company, which was strange but maybe he was avoiding him, and Arthur understood.

He didn't answered any of his calls, or texts, and Arthur understood.

The dread expanding in his belly.

The following day he went to work with a heavy step and a heavier heart.

He knew that this whole circus was his fault, and therefore he had no right to complain or demand anything of Merlin, but that didn't make him feel better.

Merlin was still gone, so he went looking for him. And then Gaius told him that Merlin hadn't gone to work, he was sick, apparently. Gaius didn't know what exact illness but ... "he has been off lately, distant, cold, sad. And with all due respect, that you are keen on humiliating him on public lately hadn't really helped. I imagine it has to do with that. He didn't explain further, just told me he was going on sick leave"

Gaius spoke clearly, and with every word Arthur felt more shame. That dressing down was something he didn't know he needed.

Had he been so awful towards Merlin? Truly?

He bolted, didn't even told anyone, just went.

Went to his flat, and banged on his door, and called his name until the neighbors threatened to call the police.

It was useless.

The last time he spoke to him, he was going to go clubbing with his friends. He knew most of Merlins friends, basically because they were also Arthur's friends. But those friends... he knew them yeah, but he wasn't precisely close, Will, proper hated him, and the girl, Freya, was apprehensive around him, he didn't know why, but he hadn't particularly care up until that moment, he did not have any way of contacting them, not their number saved, not their social media profiles, nothing.

Shit.

The only thing he could remember was where Freya used to work, because Merlin had insisted on buying his coffee there for months just to spend his break catching up with her, at least until they happened.

He went there, his only clue, praying for the girl to be there.

He wasn't lucky, she didn't even had a shift that day. But he had obtained a contact info. He texted her.

And she answered vaguely, not understanding why Merlin's boss was asking for that kind of information. He didn't get much, but the fact that that whole ordeal was orchestrated by Gwaine.

So he went to Gwaine.

He was still hungover, or, more accurately, hungover again. And told him reluctantly that he had tried to get Merlin to relax, because he had been upset as of late. Arthur really ought to pay better attention, everyone had noticed this change in Merlin's behavior, so probably Merlin had been dealing with the burnt of having to lying to everyone.

"We just wanted him to unwind, It was fine... at least I hope so" Arthur's heart stopped at that very moment "What do you mean?" Gwaine was completely unaffected by his murderous tone and stare, and reentered his home trailed by Arthur "I don't know mate, he was having fun, he had been talking to this bloke on the floor, the seemed to have hit it off quite well... that was the last time I saw him, when we didn't heard from him in the morning, well we assumed he'd gotten laid, at least he had fun, but yesterday he told us that It didn't went well, but didn't explain" As he spoke his voice lost it's strength, and the insecurity he must have felt since that message was brought to the surface.

Arthur wanted to scream, to accuse, to point, to break, to do everything at the same time, but how could he? He stopped himself just before he started a shouting match with Gwaine, who was lost in thought in the sofa, because Gwaine was his friend too, and if he had known he wouldn't have done any of that.

His eyes started to sting from the sheer frustration.

Fact 1: Merlin's friends had taken him to a club, so he could cheat on Arthur, not that they knew that.

Fact 2: Merlin had gotten drunk, danced and left the club with another man, Arthur could not grasp how he felt about that just yet.

Fact 3: something went WRONG. WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG AND WHERE WAS MERLIN? BECAUSE...

Fact 4: Merlin hadn't gone to work in two days, and no one knew where or how he was and the worry in his chest was clouding his mind and shit, he was crying.

He wiped his face quickly with the back of his hand, but couldn't hold back anymore so he struggled a bit saying goodbye to Gwaine and got out of there, didn't listen to whatever Gwaine was saying in the background.

He couldn't tell you how did he find Merlin, just that it was probably illegal and highly unadvised. But by that afternoon he was in front of that hospital door, with mixed feelings, a lot of guilt and one thought.

Hunith opened the door, Hunith was there. His gut twisted in different uncomfortable directions.

"Hunith?"

"Arthur? What are you doing here? Wait, let's talk outside, he finally managed to sleep for a bit" His throat closed off.

"I..He didn't show up at work" It was all he could manage, he could see her eyes harden.

"Yes, well, I am sure you can see he is in no condition to do so, now if you would kindly leave"

"Hunith" he was trembling "Can I see him?" he saw her hesitate.

"He doesn't want to see anyone" she ultimately answered a bit softer.

"What happened?"

"It's not my place to tell Arthur, I need to respect his decision, now more than ever" she said with finality "Look, I'll call you when he changes his mind.."

"IF.. if he changes his mind, you know how he is" he protested "Hunith I just..." he had to stop, before his voice broke "I need to know how he is, I need to see that he is ok"

"I know you are his friend Arthur" Arthur could hear his heart shatter "But this is... He is not ok" she said looking directly at him "He doesn't want to be seen like that, he doesn't want to be judged or pitied. He needs someone by his side right now, someone who would just be there with him, loving him, truly, boldly, despite everything else" Hunith broke down a bit and ran a hand by her hair, talking to him and to herself also "Don't get me wrong Arthur, I know you care for my son, you are a true friend, but you are not what he needs right now. I know the teasing and bantering is your... style, but I am afraid he cannot handle that. I'll call you if he changes his mind, but if not, please do respect his wishes"

She turned around visibly affected and went back into the room. Meanwhile Arthur had his world shaken to the ground.

[ur-dad-satan]

MC was helping Solomon test some potions for their class when he hands them a bright orange potion in a sciency looking flask and tells them to drink it. Once they do, there are no physical changes, but MC feels strong. Through trial and error, the two find out that MC is now inhumanly strong, and they just had to show everyone. This is how I think the brothers (and Dia) would react to MC picking them up and putting them on their hip.

(the youngest 3 bros and Dia)

*.*.*.*.*.

Asmodeus

MC walked into Asmo's room, and he ran and hugged them as if he hadn't seen them in days. It had literally only been a few hours since they last saw each other but whatever. MC picked him up, spun him around and placed him on their hip.

Asmo would be in complete shock.

"MC! I didn't know you were so strong!!"

Asmo audibly loves it and is having the time of his life.

Of course, he would ask how it happened and be absolutely amused.

"Imagine if you were this strong all the time! We could have so much fun!"

He would let his mind wander and squeeze MC tight.

He would not let MC leave his room until the effects wore off.

(If the effects even do wear off)

Beelzebub

MC went past the kitchen and saw Beel rummaging around the kitchen. MC tried to tell him to get out of the fridge, but he complained that he was just looking for a snack. Unfortunately, for Beel, MC physically pulled him out of the fridge and placed that giant beefy boy on their hip with an exasperated smile.

"... MC what the fuck?"

Beel was completely perplexed and slightly scared.

MC would explain how it was Solomon's fault and Beel would be slightly less perturbed.

"I'm not going to lie to you, MC; I'm terrified right now."

MC would eventually calm him down and he would realize it's not that bad.

Beel would slowly notice that he kinda feels weightless and ends up kinda liking it.

"I still don't understand this completely, but I guess it's not that bad."

He'll hug them to show no ill will but ask to be put down. He'll even mention that he would rather lift them up.

And he would do so and MC would kiss his cheek

Belphegor

Belphie was asleep in the middle of the floor in the common room. The only reason MC knew, was because they tripped over him on their way to their room. MC tried to wake him, but he barely opened his eyes; that is until they lifted him up by his armpits like a small child and put on the human's hip.

Belphie's eyes would shoot open as he's fully awake now.

"I know I'm smaller than most of my brothers but how the fuck?"

MC would explain and Belphie would swear to kill Solo if it left any permanent effects.

Then he would realize how this would look to a prying eye and immediately hate it.

"Put me down. Right now."

He would probably try to wiggle and push away a bit but end up being too tired.

He would stay mad about it until he realizes he can sleep on MC like this.

Immediate mood change; Belphie would wrap his arms around MC and go back to sleep with a contented smile.

Diavolo

MC was walking past the student council room at RAD when Dia's voice rang out to them. MC knew that was the chance to surprise him with their new strength. They walked in and asked Diavolo if they could show him something which, of course, he agreed to. He was not prepared to be picked up and placed on the human's hip when he stood up.

His eyes lit up when it registered where he was.

"MC! Why are you suddenly so strong?!"

Dia is loving it. He's ecstatic even though he knows this isn't normal.

"MC how did this happen?"

MC will explain and Dia will listen intently listen.

For some reason, the whole situation would be absolutely hilarious to him. He would be cracking up for a hot minute.

"While this is very humorous, I am curious as to whether or not this potion will have any long-term effects on you as a human."

He's still made no move to indicate that he wants to be let down. In fact, he would wrap his arms around MC and pull them in tighter.

"This is so exciting! May we stay like this for a bit longer?"

He's also using this as an excuse to not do his paperwork.

15 notes and I'll do the last 4 undatables (sorry no Thirteen, Raph or Mephisto bc I don't know enough about them)

[cheemscakecat]

Dream thing Emesis Blue

So you know how you have dreams, and someone that isn’t your mom or dad is called that and you go along with it? Because you aren’t awake? There’s situations where dream logic sounds right to your sleeping brain, and when you wake up you realize it doesn’t make sense.

The hand that drops Ma’s head could be a gloveless Medic.

The fingertips we see look grey like when Scout and Medic were in the ambulance. Except there’s one thing wrong with that theory.

Ma’s face is noticeably warmer toned than the fingers, next to the same unseen light.

But you know whose gloves have grey fingertips?

Still, that doesn’t explain why Scout is afraid of Medic/ seeing him as a monster when he’s rescued at the slaughterhouse.

So there’s one of two ways that could happen if Emesis Blue is a dream:

Scout cut away to being locked in the coffin and “knew” it was Medic’s fault. The way dreams suddenly take you into a new scene or change the plot, but you don’t notice since you’re asleep. The problem is we can’t discount this theory since we have a big gap in Scout’s perspective.

Maybe it was an Engineer holding Ma’s head, but he saw “Medic” hunched over her body, like Ludwig did in his time loop.

But if it’s option two, there’s a secondary possibility. Look at how RED this scene is. Red enough that if this is the enemy Medic, you wouldn’t be able to tell. And what happened on BLU team that would warrant RED Medic showing up?

In addition to that, RED Medic joined Team Classic, which was hunting down the Admin’s mercenaries.

If BLU team’s been in hiding for 6 months, and Scout’s the youngest on the team trying to protect his Ma, his fear of getting found would still linger after the comic 7 resolution.

It was never actually BLU Medic that cut off Ma’s head; it was nightmare RED Medic. BLU is hallucinating his future car crash self like he hallucinated the plague doctor and being locked in a coffin. Scout didn’t realize he was accusing the wrong guy, since he was dreaming.

Decapitating someone unarmed and pulling out Scout’s teeth are both actions you’d expect from RED Medic if you were an enemy teammate hearing rumors about his crazy experiments.

Here’s the painful part:

If my shared nightmare theory is right, Scout’s going to wake up, check on Ma, calm down, and realize that he had the wrong Medic. And probably have a nasty gut feeling that he shouldn’t have accused the doctor, even if it was in a dream.

But Dr. Ludwig? The guy having a nightmare about his mental illness forcing him to hurt people out of spite? He’s going to think one of his personalities killed BLU Ma and kidnapped Scout. And that’s going to aggravate his already fearful and distrustful attitude towards them.

Electric Eye Medic immediately went to take the sentry gun to defend Ludwig and Scout when he got control of the body. And when he saw that he was too late to save Scout, he went into a revengeful rage and killed both Engineers. Maybe Scout doesn’t know it, but he’s met this personality before, and he sees the kid as a friend too.

That’s why I’m convinced he switched to being in control, stabbed Hoovy in the eye, and was the one crying in the elevator. Maybe he was already grieving internally, but had to take control again and Soldier/Demo saw the butt end of him crying, just when he decided to get more revenge.

The laugh/face of a man who’d burn that stupid briefcase in front of the whole cult if he could.

Funeral Medic’s hand was shaking from rage after he shot Spy. He probably witnessed Electric Eye crying and trying to explain how he failed to save Scout. Maybe it was the reason he waited for Spy to finish his speech; he was gonna shoot him anyway, but wanted that bozo to think he was safe and had gotten away with his lies.

That being said, I doubt that Medic’s other personalities are going to hold it against him if he accuses them of stuff they didn’t do. Definitely going to be upset, but at the same time they’d know he’s only saying it because he doesn’t know their intentions, and he’s equally disturbed and angry over what happened.

[cinnamonest]

Thank youuu for sadistic Albedo headcanons. Anything druggy, medical-related usually goes hand-in-hand with sadism. Albedo (and potentially Tighnari, very much with Dottore and Baizhu I imagine) gets off on having power over you with a single drop of alchemical mixtures - plant powders for Tighnari and... whatever the hell Dottore uses. Amazing that one flask of whatever they concoct has so much power over the human body - aphrodisiacs, sleep, hypno shit etc.

Since Baizhu is coming I have been thinking so much about this concept with him... one thing that works to his advantage is that he has a certain charisma and charm about him, so he can be perfectly persuasive when he needs to be, when he wants to push your boundaries, force things onto you, get you to comply. It is, however, sort of a clash with his eccentricity -- he's genial and friendly enough that you want to comply and would feel bad for being inconvenient or oppositional, but just a little "off" enough that you are much more likely to suspect something from the get-go compared to a more plain person.

But perhaps surprisingly, he's not the covert type. He's not going to hide it, try and get you to have a drink or consume something laced or spiked, no... but this is also a tactic in and of itself. Because if he did use something covert, and you were to insist on not consuming it and he kept pushing it, your suspicion would only grow.

By presenting it as an obvious pharmaceutical substance up front, if anything, actually lowers any chance of distrust. Because after all, in your mind, if he was planning to drug you, he would do it covertly and not be so blatant, right...? At least, that's what he knows the average person's thought process would be, and by knowing this thus takes advantage of it by doing the opposite.

Besides, you'll most likely reason with yourself in your head that he would never have any ill intent, and he knows that. He can add a bit of extra guilt-tripping, too, by telling you it's a test he needs to perform and needs your help, so you'll help, right? This and the blatant presentation can also offset any negative reaction from you during the time that you may still have enough control of yourself to react. Oh, you're dizzy, lightheaded, feel like your muscles are going lax? That's entirely normal, it should go away momentarily... and thus, you won't panic the way you might if you had been presented with something you believed to be tea or food or the like, nor try and fight. This is also advantageous, seeing as on his more sickly days, he may be in a more weakened state, and would have more difficulty restraining you physically if you were to struggle.

Which is something he worries about... and won't end well for you. He's quite paranoid of the possibility of being caught in a weaker state and being overpowered, which would allow you to get away. Can't have that. The only solution, then, is to ensure you're incapable. A variety of measures are taken to ensure this. Initially, physical restraints... but don't worry, you won't need them for very long.

He assures you of that as soon as you wake, knowing you're probably uncomfortable with them, and he wouldn't want you to worry that that discomfort will be permanent, so he explains it in full. After a very short while, the medication will set in, leaving you fully paralyzed, and another to put you in a half-conscious, stupefied state. That will need to be re-administered at set intervals, once every few hours. The restraints are there for now while your body gets into the cycle of metabolizing it is all.

And, of course, because he's predicted that there is a very good chance you're going to be... noncompliant. That's a frustrating ordeal in and of itself. Come on, make this easier on you both, alright? Fighting is so pointless, you're just making things harder on yourself. You know the outcome will be the same, he'll just have to force it into your mouth, and he knows that isn't pleasant, so why struggle so much? Maybe it's a matter of pride for you or something like that, you don't want to give in so easily. That's endearing, at least, albeit problematic.

Eventually, though, you won't even need those. Atrophy sets in a lot faster than most people realize. But you don't need to worry about the inconveniences that normally come with that, nor being neglected. Even if he's tired and weary, he's very insistent to keep you perfectly cared for, will bathe you, feed you, take care of your hair if needed, change the sheets more often since you'll be laying on them most of the time. All with consistent timing, never slacking or forgetting anything. It's only right to take the best possible care of something dear to you.

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

[getinthehandbasket]

Stucky Fic recs for GFFA

@gffa do I have recs for you! Disclaimer: these are *all* coming from my bookmarks, which are absolutely filled with porn and other filth. Feel free to roam there as you please. I know you (probably) won't judge me.

First, we start with individual "fix-it" or "fix-it"-like fics.

everest by mcwho Rating: Explicit 904 words Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Drabble, Dirty Talk, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, that last tag undersells it i need something like, Steve Rogers is Fucking Filthy, Name-Calling, Top Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Multiple Orgasms Summary: Three O's in, and Bucky can’t quite remember which way is up anymore. Or, Steve gives and gives and Bucky takes it.

The Life of Bucky Barnes by stephrc79 Rating: Mature 292,199 words Tags: Fluff and Angst, Domestic Fluff, Gun Violence, Nightmares, Standard Stucky life issues, recovery bucky, post-CATWS, boys being little shits, sorta kinda NSFW, don't even mention the peen, violence against MC, Blood, past mention of mental instability, past mention of wanting death, but that last one is brief, and this is Recovery!Bucky, it's kind of expected, Spiders, mention of spiders, but only for three chapters Summary: The ongoing story behind the pictures from the Instagram The Life of Bucky Barnes. This work is a series of ficlets that tells the story of each picture. As each chapter progresses, it will encompass one or two of the images, how they appear chronologically. These are inspired works for petite-madame with her blessing.

Thank God for PR by Cimorene105 Rating: Explicit 37,886 words 14 works Tags: too many to list Summary: Steve and Bucky make some startling discoveries about each other on live TV. From there, it becomes a happy struggle to fit even more of each other into their daily lives.

Good Boy by triedunture Rating: Explicit 13,473 words Tags: Collars, Dom/sub Play, Multiple Orgasms, Exhibitionism, Body Worship, Master/Pet, Petplay, Hair-pulling, Hair Kink, Bathing/Washing, Praise Kink, Kink Negotiation Summary: Bucky is still adjusting to life with the Avengers, and Steve is willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable. Increasingly, though, what seems to make him comfortable is strangely intimate.

Surprise, Steve! You're a gentle dom and Bucky wants to be your pretty pet!

A Fucking Written Invitation by chaya, Desdemon Rating: Explicit 9,563 words Tags: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Natasha Romanov, Tony Stark, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Bruce Banner, Pepper Potts, Clint Barton, UST, Dubcon Kissing Summary: "Jesus, Steve, I just had to explain to a ninety-something year old ex-killer that it was normal to have dreams and wake up with unusual physical attributes and, and listen, we have to get him a male GP, a, a man, because when I asked him why he hadn't just called her to discuss this he looked at me like I'd suggested he slap her in the face."

Alternate titles: "It's Just You". "Steve Rogers Can't Get a Goddamned Clue". "SSRIs and You". "Steve, Natasha is Going to Hit You". "Buying a Clue". "Steve's Clue-Field is Barren".

(slight tw for a non-con makeout moment.)

i was found and now i don't roam these streets by hipsterchrist Rating: Mature 15,913 words Tags: Bucky Bear, Team Dynamics, Team Bonding, Friendship, Therapy, Hospitals, Medical, Illnesses, Minor Character Death, Child Death, Teddy Bears, New York City, Canon-Typical Violence, Children, Self-Esteem Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Feels, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier Summary: They’ve decided to start producing Bucky Bears again, now that he’s all shiny and redeemed and fighting for good on this big Avengers misfits team. "He has a little shiny gray arm," Bucky says, wiggling the stuffed arm in question, one of the tweaks made in the new model. It takes Steve a second to realize that Bucky’s got a small smile on his face, actually looks a little bit proud around the eyes.

Or, Bucky relearns himself and how to be on a team, the rest of the Avengers try to get answers, and everyone watches too much Criminal Minds.

Handling Wants by eclecticxdetour Rating: Explicit 5,063 words Tags: Rimming, Barebacking, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bottom Steve Summary: As the asset, desire was nonexistant. As Bucky Barnes, he's unsure how to deal with being allowed to want.

All the First Times by Vee (Vera_DragonMuse) Rating: Mature 9,694 words Tags: Recovery, rebuilding the self, from the ground up, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier Summary: Bucky starts over and finds new ways to survive.

Next, I offer links to my bookmarks, filtered in various ways:

Bucky/Steve, no other pairings with those two. Includes dark fic, non-fix-it, AUs, etc.

Bucky/Steve, including them in other pairings or OT3s- mostly Steve/Darcy/Bucky in various configurations

All Marvel fics*

All my bookmarks - if you wanna judge me pls do it in your inside-your-head voice lol *the link errored out when I tried to exclude *all* other fandoms that aren't Marvel. If it's still erroring out, let me know and I'll re-include some other fandoms and you can just skip those.

[gremlin-writes-angst]

u were looking for prompts soooo… cove step 3 with a sick reader 🤲

In this cove is mc boyfriend.

First sick fic I've written.

Like most my stuff not proofread or beta read so let me know if yall see any errors

Hope yall like it

Staying in bed was your mom's prescription for your flu. It wasn't a hard task to follow, as your body did not feel up to do more. Your small trash can was full of used kleenex. Your bedside table had a little empty medicine cup along with a Gatorade bottle and a water bottle.

You were miserable. Laying there , your brain felt slow. You hated being sick, and who gets sick in the summer.

Your self loathing is cut off but a quick series of knocks.

You brain rushes as you realize the window is unlocked and in second Cove would be coming out or well in through your window

You try to be quick, but the flu slows you down. Before you know it he's in your room.

You stumble out of bed and try to push him away

" what- "

Confused by your slightly aggressive approach, Cove questions you. Yet he doesn't retreat as you basically fall on him.

" you can't be here Cove"

Your voice sounding strange and naselly because of the congestion in your nose

"Why?"

A blunt response. It sort of warmed your heart to hear Cove be Cove.

"I'm sick, I don't want you to get sick."

Cove helps you back to your bed.

" I don't mind, if I get to spend time with you"

You become visible upset

" I care though."

Coves face distorts , his classic scowl. He was clearly some form of sad, probably disappointed. But either way he just nodded and began to leave

" ok"

And he was gone.

Though you were the one so adamant about him not being here, but him listening to you wasn't something you weren't prepared for. It was a little hurtful. Which made you feel bad, it wasn't his fault. And yet it still hurts.

And yet with the flu it was still easy to fall asleep. It was like the only thing you could do.

You wake up groggy, a knock coming from your door. It was the same pattern as the one that comes to your window almost every day. Cove. It felt deja vu.

You gave an answer, a small quiet grunt , but Cove heard it. He entered , you sat up in your bed , and with blurry vision you looked at Cove. And all you saw was a greenish blue color…. But It wasn't his hair. After blinking a little you're able to see a blue mask Covering his face.

"Can I- I'm protected so it should be fine?"

He was cations but as soon as you gave him the go ahead. His excitement fills his expression, even if all you could see was his eyes and those squiggles he had for eyebrows.

Yet excited he was careful

" I brought soup- from the store. I mean it's still warm. I promise I could ev-"

" it's okay Cove"

His body calms down a significant amount. He started to get himself comfortable. Not wanting to cross a boundary, he sits on your rolling office chair. He sets down the store bags he had on the floor, except for the bag that is only holding a container of soup. He set the container on your desk before he looks around, then at you

" I - I don't have a bowl… or a spoon."

His face says sorry to him. No words needed. Before you could offer a solution he jumps up and begins rushing out of your room, shakingly explaining himself

"No. I've got this ill- don't worry. Stay there."

And then he's gone,but this time you just smile at his antics.

You listen closely as you hear your mom's laugh at Cove , rushing around the kitchen, you hear drawers being harshly opened and closed.

Eventually you hear footsteps running up the stairs but before he enters your room again there's a pause. When he enters he's 'calm'

" got it"

You hide your little chuckle, understand this is how he wants you to see him while you're sick. He wants to be the calm, helpful boyfriend.

He sets up the soup, even making sure it is not too hot or cold for you. When it is ready he slowly cares it over to you, he literally looks like he's walking on a tightrope with how stead he moves.

" thanks Cove"

" yeah it's no problem"

Then he sat back on the office chair. He doesn't seem to know what to do next as you take a couple sips of your soup, which you now realize is your favorite. Cove takes a couple looks around your room, as if trying to find something unfamiliar. When he doesn't find anything on the walls or shelves , he looks to the ground. He makes a ' ohhh yeah' face when he sees the bags he brought. Once again he's excited to share.

" I got some other thing"

He starts pulling out a colorful box of fruit snacks

" I got these- not for now, it's not really good to have sweets when you're sick but- well if you really want it- it can't hurt that much. But I actually bought it because I saw it and remembered how much you loved them."

He put them to the side before moving on to the next thing

" I got Gatorade and uhm some water but- well I see you have some already. But this is a different flavor. I mean I have that one too- I got a couple flavors, and don't worry if you don't want or finish them i'll take them. They're good for exercise too."

"I'll take one right now"

Cove's eyes brighten up knowing he did something right. You set down your soup and he hands you the bottle.

He grabs the last thing, he himself seems a little confused by the item before he flips it around to see the front

" oh, this is like a little puzzle game, it was in that check out area and I grabbed it."

He tore the wrap off and moved to your bed, kneeling as he started to show you how it worked

" I thought it was a good time consumer. I know you could use your phone or something but i mean, when i'm sick I get headaches looking at a screen so I figured"

He motioned the item

" here , give it a try"

You take the item and begin exploring how the pieces work. Then you start trying to solve it. Cove watches over you, he makes noises almost every move you make, you can tell when he agrees and when he disagrees with a pieces place. After five minutes you can tell he's itching to do more than watch.

" Cove"

He looks at you confused why you stopped

" would you, join me"

You scout over in your bed, he clearly wants to jump at the opportunity but he stops himself

" Are you sure?"

You smile

" I think cuddles are exactly what I need"

Cove has no problem listening as he climbs into your bed. You weren't lying when you said you wanted to cuddle but you had other motives, this angle made it easier for Cove to play with the puzzle himself. You hand it to him , and begin to snuggle into his chest

" I'm starting to get a bit tired. Could I just.."

"Of course!"

You smiled at his excitement. As your eyes droop. You quietly say one last thing.

" If it's uncomfortable, you don't have to wear the mask, we're already cuddling. I'm not sure it'll do much at this point."

You figured the mask would bother Cove's sensory issues a bit and honestly you knew that even if he got a little sick he wouldn't hold you accountable.

Cove didn't say anything, but you could feel the relief in his chest as he shifted and removed the mask. Once settled again, he slowly left a lingering kiss on your temple.

[detective-pandaman]

Water 7 Arc: Luffy and Usopp (Manga and Anime Comparison) [Part 1]

Spoiler alert: Don't keep reading if you haven't reached Water 7 Arc (Manga Chapter 333 or Anime Episode 236)

I've decided to start with this scene in particular because it shows a lot of changes that are absolutely core in the characters personalities in my opinion.

Please let me know your opinion about it or if you wish to add anything ^^ (and remember to have mercy on my English xD)

There is a lot to unpack, so I will be going page by page and directly comparing it with the Anime. 14 pages of manga compared to Anime.

(Manga reads from right to left, but the Anime screenshots are organized to read from left to right ^^U)

Before starting the comparison, a little reminder of what we are dealing with:

Luffy was informed by Galley-La shipwrights that the Going Merry could not sail anymore, and that he has to change ships. He strongly and emotionally refused to believe it and also refused to leave Merry behind, as it would be like leaving a companion... until Iceberg cuts the conversation short by doubting his capabilities as a Captain, and Luffy takes that comment to heart. (Manga Chapter 328)

On the other side, Usopp has been beaten twice by Franky's men, one while being robbed and another one while trying to recover the money he was robbed. He feels extremely guilty and like he can not face the others.

Luffy and the others found Usopp badly hurt, and broke Franky's Lair to the ground in the rage caused by seeing the poor Usopp hurt.

Luffy ends up deciding that leaving the Merry is the most responsible thing to do to protect the others. Then they all go back home.

Of course everyone is very emotional at this moment when Usopp finally wakes up, but they are trying to lift the spirits:

Now let's start the comparisons.

Luffy wants Usopp to not feel responsible for the decision he has to make (because he is not, obviously), and tries to treat the subject with positivity and cheer Usopp up. But it's still Luffy, and he is not the best with words, even if he never has ill intention, and he is also still emotional about it. But he is trying his best to maintain the smile.

Usopp is having probably one of the worst days of his life, and he is waking up to one big fear of him being a reality.

For the first 2 or 3 panels we get this (which already doesn't feel the same):

Then suddenly, we get the reactions of the others with absolute silence. The problem is... the Anime just chooses which reactions they have, because the Manga sure didn't show them!

Everyone looks tense or displeased. Specially, Nami looks dissappointed with Luffy's way of treating the subject, and Chopper seems about to start crying.

In my opinion, these reactions of the rest of the crew are completely out of character for this moment. Let's understand that they already talked about the subject and agreed with Luffy, not only because he is the Captain, but also because it's the logical thing to do.

But we are just getting started with this page.

For some reason, they decided to show Usopp making jokes about the subject, and the others just... let him talk and talk. (the reason is filler, I know)

In the Manga, Usopp tries to understand the situation as fast as possible, because it's no joke to him. He understands that something is happening or Luffy wouldn't even think about something like that. He immediately blames himself for the problem, shaking and panicking.

Also, Luffy's expression in the Anime? Why do they make him look angry at Usopp? Why would he look at his panicking dear friend with such a severe and angry look?

Finally we can go to the 2nd page:

Things start to heat up.

As you can see, all the conversation in the Manga is fast, without them stopping to look "judgingly" at one another. What the rest is doing is trying to calm them down.

Luffy hurries and tries to explain the money has nothing to do with their problem, but is getting frustrated that Usopp is pulling his tongue to say the whole truth or he won't stop blaming himself for it.

Luffy doesn't want to say out loud that Merry can't be repaired (because for him saying something out loud is making it a reality). But he also doesn't want Usopp to feel responsible when he is not, so he has to choose... and he chooses to free Usopp from guilt.

Let's remember Luffy is a very mature guy in many ways, but is also very emotional and empathetic. He feels the pain of the others and his own, and is probably overwhelmed, so he explodes.

Also, we can see how Sanji and Chopper are physically trying to stop them from escalating the situation. Sanji holds Luffy's shoulder, not only stopping him, but also grounding him so he can calm down. Chopper tries to make Usopp sit back and rest.

You can see how they don't think any of them is wrong right now, they just want them to stop fighting and talk calmly.

Now let's look at what the Anime does with this page:

We get angry faces of Zoro and Sanji for some reason, when they are clearly not angry, just worried...

Luffy and Usopp's expressions are also way more angry and violent than what they should be.

The scene keeps escalating and none of the others is really getting in the middle...

For some reason, Usopp is disrespecting not only Luffy and his position as Captain verbally and physically, but also Choppers medical advice... completely out of character.

And then we start a really stressful and completely fabricated scene:

Usopp screaming over and over demandingly until he makes Luffy angry enough he explodes... from anger.

Luffy didn't explode from anger in the Manga. He just wanted to end the problem. He is not angry at Usopp at all, he is stressed.

And also, Usopp wouldn't do any of this to Luffy.

And we never saw Sanji and Chopper getting in the middle. Why?

3rd page:

The problem seems to have stopped. Usopp is shocked by the revelation, but seems to have calmed down.

Luffy had to recognize out loud what he didn't want to say, but he assumes the problem is going to be over. They all do.

We can still see how Sanji was trying to calm Luffy down by contact, but stops when he sees he calmed down. He is very involved in all the interaction, even if he has been silent until now.

Sanji, Nami and Chopper look shaken by how out of hand things had gone for a second (because in the Manga it is fast).

Then Usopp insists.

Zoro doesn't seem pleased that Usopp talks back again.

Going back to the Anime's adaptation:

Again, Luffy looks angry and not desperate to solve the problem they are having. He looks down on Usopp, still in a defensive position.

Actually, none of the expressions are correct. They have all gone from surprised or shaken to just frown.

Was it that difficult to respect their expressions? They fill everything else with random content, but now that they had specific panels with their expressions, they decided to not put them.

Any semblance of closeness between Sanji and Luffy is completely erased.

4th page:

Usopp starts to be clearly illogical, and he knows it. But it's not out of malice, it's just his insecurities making him talk like this.

Luffy can't understand why he won't let it go now that he has the whole information, and tries to explain the situation again, in case he didn't get it. Again: he is not mad with Usopp, he is stressed.

But Usopp is too affected by everything he experienced in that horrible day to try to be rational, and it's normal and human to do so.

In the Anime:

Again, the facial expressions are completely exaggerated in the worst way possible, or straight up wrong.

At this point I'm begging the Anime to stop making them look at each other with hate.

5th page:

They all know he is saying nonsense, and start to notice there's a lot more behind everything he is saying.

Let's remember Merry is a gift to Luffy from Kaya. Also he saw the Klabautermann of the ship and believes Merry has a soul... But not only that. Usopp feels inadequate in the group. He feels like he's not enough for them, and is probably thinking that the ship, with which he shares so much, is receiving the treatment he "deserves" to receive.

The rest of the crew just don't seem to know how to aboard the problem.

In the Anime:

Again with the expressions and positions completely wrong.

Luffy and Zoro just look angry.

Sanji has lost his concerned look for a serious one and also gives his back to the whole situation. We can't see Nami's face. Chopper is not attending Usopp as urgently...

6th Page:

Luffy has sat down and is not discussing this as a friends quarrel anymore, he is starting to act like a Captain. He is not angry, he is firm.

He points out that what Usopp is saying is illogical, in a strong tone. Nami (probably) is surprised by the change of tone of Luffy. Usopp still doesn't want to listen, starting to really disrespect his Captain by giving him his back and ignoring what he says.

Sanji calls Usopp out, with his hands on his hips, clearly showing support for his Captain and disapproval of Usopp's attitude.

This is one of the first times Luffy has to put his foot down as a Captain. He usually doesn't need to. And Usopp is practically disobeying orders.

In the Anime:

Luffy's expression is completely wrong again. They keep showing him angry, not firm.

Also he is not sitting, which adds to them completely missing the change in Luffy's attitude.

The composition is also showing a weird tension, in which Usopp looks almost like a victim of a bully.

Sanji calls Usopp even softly for what we are used to hear from him, like he is trying to support him more than scold him.

And again... Luffy's expression is a complete miss.

Not only does he look like an angry child more than an adult that is discussing something serious, they also changed his nervous sweat for angry veins.

And this are all the images I can put in a post, so this will continue in Part 2 ^^

[lixxen]

I wanna talk about this scene and one of my favorite theories and details in fics

Warning for talks of depression, suicide, and homophobia

(also like. I'm just talking about stuff I've seen other people talk about and like the idea of/agree with because it's interesting. Doesn't mean you have to agree. I'm talking to the void and I guess if you don't agree just like... Don't argue please lol)

One of my favorite head canons/theories for Conrad that I've seen people talk about some when it first came out is that he was depressed and his death wasn't an accident, but him committing suicide

This is what I remember people talking about and will see if I can find the posts about it later:

Being gay during this time was dangerous and society was very homophobic. Keeping that a secret would slowly wear down on your mental health and also could cause internalized homophobia

People found it ironic that Jones was playing a man who was grieving his dead wife when he himself was grieving his lover dying (which is why he pressed his hand into the griddle) and thought that it was Conrad talking to Jones later on down the road because Augie is literally Jones and Jones is Augie. Idk how it works but it just does in my brain so I get them

The talking about can't wake up if you don't go to sleep and Conrad having two hands on his shoulder as he stares forward could allude to him having thoughts of suicide, and this happens after he is announced to die (I forgot exactly how people explained it but it made sense when I read it. Makes the alien being there make sense)

The others didn't understand the play because it was Conrad's internal thoughts for parts and the characters wrote themself. Which. Is what happens. Idk. People said he was the wife.

(mostly joking) a cis man who isn't mentally ill or wasn't feeling that way couldn't write that play. That man had to be fucked up in some way

People write into fics that he'd drown himself in his work when he didn't need to. A lot of the nights he spent up and lone drowning himself in drinks and writing? Him trying to escape. Jones having to drag him away from the typewriter to come to bed? Wonderful. I will take 20 more

Idk. You don't have to agree, but that's what I remember people talking about and watching the movie I just agreed. Even before I read the suicide/depression ones and saw the movie my brain went "oh... What if... What if he... No. They wouldn't do that." Because the context is there. The themes are there. It's literally all there but never said if it was an accident or not. So seeing people talk about it and it being a reoccurring theme in the first fics for Conrad (especially in the Conrad/Jones tag) was reassuring that other people could see it

Idk. As someone who has depression and has had thoughts of suicide; writing my life away and throwing my grief and troubles into my personal writing or fanfic, it genuinely struck something close to my heart.

Especially seeing Jones then ask if he's doing right even though he was told he's perfect and probably was told he's perfect many times after. I could genuinely see Conrad change parts of the play to reflect his relationship and his mental health as he kept writing it. We know the play wasn't done when he met Jones; but just enough to know Augie would become Jones

Lawl. Anyways. Idk. This isn't canon but just a collective bunch of thoughts and head canons and theories I've seen so far

[vaporsystem]

hey im still here lol what if we name ourself Eula lol

or maybe just Yulia if we wanna be normal

We wanna have a like "la" sound but all the normal names with that are boring so lol Some of us have normal names but its fun to pick something weird, i dont wanna be a like "laura" or something.

also one of us drew us but like good actually so here lol im still not sure which one of us is the one thats so good at drawing, like i guess probably a lot of us but i get too bored which is why i did the doodle last time lol

anyway we've all been like trying to work on our stuff more again so like we've been having a lot of conversations and trying to spend time with each other and stuff and its kinda weird sometimes because its like ill be talking to someone but then im also them talking to me so its a little weird but it really feels like a lot of stuff is like way less blurry which is cool!!!

Its been really easy to feel myself come and go and i think some other people too and also i told some other people to interrupt """"the main one""""" whenever they post here so hopefully they'll do that cause like its SO easy when we're here for some reason even if we know a bunch of people could see it. the other one was talking about like making a website and we wanna probably like give us all blog spaces so we can all have our own spots but like idk how public itll be cause its weird lol but i think we need it cause like its so fun to be alive idk how else to explain it :p

tbh the main one might not even be like a person that might just be our like autopilot dont even think about whos fronting mode cause like ever since helix popped the cap its been like yo we just gotta like take a minute to think about it more than not at all, yknow?

but either way like ive been mooooostly fronting these past few days and its cool because like its pretty easy to be happy and like we'll go to sleep and when we wake up ill still be here and its like waoua what is this but it makes me feel so like solid (not like that)(unless)

also idk if other people can do this but like we did play around with like what shape we wanna be like in the brain place like we did be like "what if we were pony" and it was fun but like so limiting lmao i wanna have arms and hands i think so we'll be like gremlin for now lol

parts of us were saying we seem femboy coded but like idkkkk idk im not feeling the like any/all vibes that people are saying we give off but also she/her feels so basic... maybe we could be the one to use neopronouns...... A lot of us dont like it but i guess they/them for now???

anyway we'll shut up now but like we wanted to confirm we werent like a one off mental breakdown kinda thing!!!!!!!

okay but one edit i do get like really dizzy whenever i talk so idk what thats about lmaoo

[wilcze-kudly]

Thank you @nova-leaf for this tag too 🥰

wow i get to talk about myself so much im nervous

•How many tumblr accounts have you had before this one?

This is gonna be my fith tumblr account lol. I lose track of them really easily because I'm a silly funky guy with so much wrong with me.

• How long have you been in fandom?

Oh like. Since I was 10? God I remember my firat forays into fandom culture on amino it was an experience good god. My first fandom was Tolkien. I've only recently gotten into the Avatar fandom though. Still not sure how that happened but I'm having fun 🥰

•Your favorite trope in fiction?

I adore found family, cause I'm basic lol. The power of friendship is also a cheesy beloved of mine.

•Your favorite random fact?

Tolkien had beef with the Beatles. Hayao Miyazaki hates the Beatles. Junji Ito loves the Beatles.

•Your favourite game or kind of game?

Skyrim is my favourite game. Open world RPGs are my escape. I love them so much I try not to play them too often or I'll never get up lol.

•A place you’d like to visit? (If carbon emissions, logistics and money weren’t in question)

Hm. This is a tough one. I like to travel and I want to go to many places. But if I had to pick one point off that list, it would pribably be mount Shasta. I'm just curious, I guess, with all the legends and disappearances and odd happenings around it. Like I just wanna see the place not even have anything supernatural happen. Just be there for a bit? Call it morbid curiosity. Also the area seems beautiful even of itself like even if the aliens don't get me i think it'd be a nice hike.

•An animal you’re irrationally afraid of?

Ants. I like most bugs. I like spiders. But ants? Ants give me straight up panic attacks? I don't know why. There's just something very terrifying aout them.

Also. Swans. But that's not an irrational fear. Geese and swans are in my opinion the true successors of dinosaurs. If you haven't been a girl scout cowering in a flimsy tent with your three other girl scout friends, in the middle of a thunderstorm, while a pair of feral swans is trying to peck their way into your tent you do not know true fear.

Their pecks hurt like a bitch too. Their beaks are serrated like a fucking saw.

•What’s your favourite season?

Autumn. In Poland we divide Autumn into two mini seasons. Golden Autumn, which is early autumn, when the freshly fallen leaves are all crispy and beautiful. And then we have Rainy Autumn, which is when it has rained and gotten much colder. I love both.

•A smell that brings you nice memories?

Tea. I started drinking tea when I was very young. My dad is an Englishman and the moment i stopped drinking breastmilk i was immediately given tea with milk.

I think I associate tea very strongly with my family and feeling loved by them. When I was younger, my parents would often wake up before me, so they would often make me tea and wake me up with it.

Making tea for someone is still a huge gesture of affection to me and there's nothing quite like the smell of a nice hot cup of tea.

(If you’re ok talking about food. If not, delete this part)

•What’s your favorite food from where you were born? And what’s your favorite food from some place else?

My favourite food from Poland, huh? I love a lot of Polish foods, but I if I had to pick something it'd probably be krówki [which translates to 'little cows']. They're fudgelike candies, similair to Scottish Tablets and White Rabbit Creamy Candy. They're delicious.

For food from a different country? @nova-leaf has put the idea of Shortbread into my head now so that's all ill be thinking about I have to see if I have the stuff to make some at home or I'll go insane.

•What’s your favorite drink (if you drink alcohol, alcoholic and non-alcoholic)?

Alcoholic: Salty Caramel flavoured Krupnik. It is very difficult to explain what a Krupnik is? Its kind of like a liqueur.

Non Alcoholic: Orange Juice. It used to be diet coke but my addiction got so bad i had to quit cold turkey lest I completely wreck my health.

•Do you give your pets random table scraps?

Not random table scraps, but if I have any extra of whatever I'm cooking, and if they can eat it, I'll sometimes give them some as a snack or as an incentive while training them.

Thanks for the tag honey!

Tagging: @linnorabeifong @thatoneguy56fanfic @novaae @thenamescaba

[nahalism]

Have you ever beaten yourself down or felt defected because you couldn’t uphold a routine?

I am going through something like this now. I see people around me who, of course to varying degrees (but some excell in) getting their diet, sleep schedule, studying/working, exercising routine in check, having a plan. And whenever i try, for the love of me, i just cannot uphold it. I can’t be consistent, my brain just doesn’t work like this but i keep hearing that it has improved peoples’ lives so much, developing a routine and sticking to it. And i know me not having one is probably not in my favor (studying whenever i have the ”inspiration” to because otherwise my brain just shuts off no matter how i try to trick myself instead of regularly and smooth sailing through assignments as a result) can’t go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day INCLUDING WEEKENDS can’t eat regularly. So i try to improve myself and chase this but all it does is reflect to me that i am just not able to and it makes me feel even worse about myself. And i personally know people who ARE able to do all of that and i can see it pays off in so many ways, in their life. My thoughts get in the way, my feelings get in the way and they make me pretty much not functional for periods of time and i am not sure if these people experience the exact same „wall” and they consistently push through it or if maybe my wall is just a big higher and stronger than theirs sometimes. I feel like my brain is against me, truly. (Probably relevant to mention that i do have some mental problems overall which could be affecting all i mentioned and the way i function, it still feels so defeating to me)

such a long message, i am sorry. i hope you are love lately x

hey beautiful <3. my reply will be equally as long if not longer so no need to be sorry :)

yes. lol just, yes. ive been through the exact same feelings that you describe and even though i struggle less now, i struggle less only as a consequence of my ability to be kinder and more tolerant of myself, not because ive magically changed into someone different. — ill try to explain what i did to help but ill be honest, theres only ever been one solution for me which is to do the work. its hard, its lonely, no one comes to help, or to save you, they even stop pretend ing to care. people will try to support you, but despite best intentions may fall short or lack the capacity to give you what you actually need. so you have to be the one. you have to carry yourself over the finish line, often at the cost losing things, people and parts of yourself that you think you love and cant do without (its soul wrenching but worth the initial discomfort, i promise). every breakthrough is hard earned and often doesnt even feel like the cherry on the top that its supposed to be. so the only way to find the will to keep going is to enjoy the challenge of the journey and learn to love what choosing to 'carry your own cross' is developing in you.

1) the first thing i had to do was make that cross worth carrying for myself. not because id been told to do it, had to do it, or because 'self care' is important, but because I was priority enough to myself that i found the willpower to see it though. to make that possible i had to understand why i was my number one priority, and then make my actions reflect that. it sounds heroic but it looked like excavating my soul, saying no to anything i didnt want to do, and anything i did out of obligation. that included essays, exams, my job, friends, family. maybe that sounds extreme but i realised that all those things meant nothing if the person who was meant to be showing up for them didnt want to be alive/was in anyway unhealthy, or was so dysfunctional that they showed up as a semi sane version of themselves. my whole personality was a trauma response, and even despite the trauma i had to look at what i was doing to create the circumstances i was unhappy with. going from responding unconsciously to consciously choosing my actions was brutal. all of this sounds empowering but it often looks and feels shambolic & looks like being a fuck up. i literally appeared to the outside world like someone who had gone off the edge and was failing at life. for context, making the choices im talking about led to me retaking a year at uni, being a ghost to everyone and everything in my life, having panic attacks every night because despite feeling like i was doing the right thing i had no evidence it would work and no idea how id make it out & all this lasted for way after i graduated so people were looking at me crazy :). HOWEVER, its also how i learned to draw, how i restored my relationship with myself, how i found the passion and excitement to work toward a goals i had set (not the ones set for me). i also became confident for the first time in my life. like actualll self esteem and self knowledge. i hated being seen or perceived due to things id been through, and still struggle with that now tbh. so when i look at the fuller version of myself im embodying today, the multiple ways ive put myself outside of my comfort zone, (and the versions of me i know are to come) i know that the first steps began with following my gut and taking that initial leap of faith that honoured the truth of who i felt myself to be, not the pattern id been following/living in.

2) that first step is important cause when what you do what matters to you, you gain a different willpower (aka passion) that fuels what you do and why you do it. i spent my whole childhood with e.d's and unable to consistently work out/find working out pleasurable. however once i built a relationship with myself and understood what a body was and why it deserved my respect, working out stopped being about the pressure to be a fine babe, and about desiring mobility, full function of my vehicle and longterm health. i say that to say, sometimes its not that your undisciplined, but that your trying hard at the wrong things. (an undisciplined or inconsistent person doesn't keep trying at things despite failing time and time again...). another way to look at it is — a goat is not meant to be a sheep, nor a sheep a goat. theres nothing wrong with being either, but you have to know which you are. (this takes us back to point one: are the things you put pressure on yourself to do/be/accomplish, authentic to you or are you imposing them of yourself because of pressure/expectation/superficial reasons). if its the later, you cannot wait till you have the answers to change the direction your moving in. you have to pivot, take the next step in the direction that feels purposeful and deeply honest to you, and trust that even though you cant see the whole path, the next step will be revealed as you continue to walk forward. the mental illness doesnt go away, but it fades as your tolerance increases. its not meant to be easy, if you can remember that then you'll be okay.

3) you dont have to do it perfectly. you just have to do it. over time, ive had routines w/ varying success. my overarching interests, goals/priorities are the same, but they fluctuate which means i can struggle with consistency and seeing things through (not cause i dont want to be consistent but i feel like i change so rapidly as a person that i almost forget why i set certain goals for myself and why building the routine/proficiency in skill was important to me in the first place). in this sense, its hard to accomplish a goal if you dont relate to the version of yourself you were when you set it. so part one to this point is, i have to use my quirks to my advantage. i know that i tend to cycle through my interests every 3 months ish. so, i set goals that can be accomplished in 3 month cycles rather than over the course of a year. in doing that i achieve small steps toward the larger, more diverse vision of my life i have for myself, meaning i could have one goal - lets say financial freedom - and 3 projects over the course of 9 months that feed into that goal. this works for me because i know i can sustain deep focus over the course of those three months and so will accomplish what ive set out to do. — but whats key for you, is that you find out what works for you. if you start to embrace your needs and what makes you different, you can also embrace the ways it makes you and your approach unique and innovative. rather than a hinderance or a source of 'why cant i be like/function like everyone else'. ——— that leads on to the second part, which is learning to carry the good with the bad. e.g. — whilst the way i fluctuate makes me multifaceted, it also means that one month im focused on art (my style) & reading, the next i might be on philosophy and writing, right before i get back to gardening and portrait practice, then cycle back to learning languages or an instrument. that level of commitment to multiple disciplines means what could take me 3 months to accomplish if i had a single minded focus, gets dragged out into a year long affair. lmty, its almost as frustrating to make slow progress as it is not to progress at all. so sometimes i feel like ive come so far only to have achieved the bare minimum. ive had to learn to appreciate that slow and steady approach (rather than chasing immediate perfection which leads to burn out) and be grateful for the fact that even though its taking long, at least im moving in the right direction. eventually ill learn the skill of expediting each of my processes, but right now this is where im at. extending that kind of grace and mercy to yourself is the biggest part of this all. because if i know im not good at structure, and im specifically struggling with it at this moment, maybe i dont need to hyper-fixate on having a morning routine right now. maybe for the next few months, its not about doing yoga the moment i wake up (even if i know thats best for me) maybe i just need to do yoga at 'unspecified time today'. maybe i dont need to sleep at 10pm. i can actually start work at 10pm, and go to sleep at 6 am. as long as i do yoga, as long as i go to sleep, as long i *insert task*, that is enough for right now. infact more than enough, its a victory. so, work on your own schedule and embrace it. trust that you've set goals and failed before but that you are still here and still committed to getting it right next time, which means you are a trustworthy person who can rely on themselves to show up for themselves. the more you practice not giving up, the smaller the gap between your ability to take action, which means the greater your ability to develop the skill of routine. perhaps not a conventional routine, but routine just means habit. over the course of your life, you are building the habit of not giving up. or of consistently coming back to & developing skills you wanna build. that is the desired outcome, not the structure of how you achieve that, but the fact that you have achieved some form of taking action consistently.

last thing i want to leave you with is the way i see and feel you. you could have asked me anything, you could have asked me nothing at all, but you chose to ask me about how to improve your situation. in that sense, your words have betrayed what your will and your desire is. the things we desire today, dictate the person we become tomorrow, and so i know without a doubt that its not a matter of if, but a matter of when you achieve these routines, their outcomes (& so much more, you cant even imagine whats on the other side). <3. it takes a very special kind of grit and resilience to fail and to try again. you inspire me and remind me of the qualities that make humans truly beautiful, truly necessary and truly precious. so dont give up, dont go under. none of this is meant to break you, just pull out what is inevitable to who you are and what you are meant to be. it is going to be hard, but you are not alone even when you are alone, and when you make it out the other end you become a testimony for others, (& evidence that they arent alone either). keep fighting, i believe in you, sending big love & a big hug xx-xx