#which makes the disconnect between the two all the more sad for all that they’re both trying

[feral-balatron]

Dont know who needs this, but heres something i wrote about my expierence with DID

Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in almost a decade. Feels like ages. But at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. Trauma is something that happens to everyone in some capacity, some more than others. And the way that a single experience can completely shatter someone is mesmerizing. All it takes is one day, but the effects last for the rest of your life. Trauma can do a number of things to you. Some people see that same thing, over and over again in their mind’s eye like a broken record. Haunting them. Some people turn defensive, seeing everybody as a potential threat. And some people become multiple people. When you are a child, your personality has not yet solidified. And when a child experiences extreme or repeated trauma at such a young age, it can stunt the growth of your sense of self, creating multiple personalities.

This is a disorder known as dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder. And it’s excruciating. Dissociative identity disorder, or DID for short, is the most intense form of post-traumatic stress disorder you can suffer from. It’s the brain’s last resort to protect you from harm. With these new personalities, or alters, come amnesiac barriers. Memories get split up between them, and whenever one of them does something like, for example, brushing their teeth, nobody else will have a memory of that. Which can make it extremely difficult to keep up on work, hygiene and general self-care. In this example, you might keep brushing your teeth over and over again because you can’t remember doing it, even though you already did. 

Another thing that comes with this disorder is dissociation. Essentially, feeling disconnected. Either from your life, your body, your friends or family. And it can often make time feel very blurry, like no time has passed even though it has. This makes it hard to be happy, because to you, it’s 2017 and you're 7 years old. You live with your mom and your cat Nala in an apartment building in a nice neighborhood. But in reality, it's 2024, you’re 14, soon going to high school, and you live somewhere else with your mom, stepdad, and his son. Nala is dead and you have a new cat, as well as two guinea pigs. You go to a new school, where you don’t know anyone. You’re in an unfamiliar place and you don’t know how you got here.

Wouldn’t that be terrifying?

Well let me tell you, it is. Feeling trapped somewhere you don’t belong is absolutely dreadful, and with the flow of time pulling you ever further from where you want to be just makes everything feel hopeless. And being in this state makes it so much easier to completely shut down after the smallest of inconveniences. Because even if it’s just a small thing, adding it onto your plate already full of stuff that you already can’t handle is so overwhelming. And when you reach that breaking point, it’s terrifying to know that you aren’t the only one making irrational decisions. Because your alters are also stressed. They’re also sad. They’re also in control of your body. And anything they do will look like your choice. So if they decide to break things, wreck your house, harm yourself, harm others, in the eyes of everyone else that was you. The constant fear of finally snapping is suffocating, because at any moment someone else could come out and do something that would completely ruin your life. 

And even if your life is going kind of alright at the moment, you’re feeling good about where you are. They might have other feelings, and a lot of the time, they’ll take it out on you. Because to them, it’s your fault. So no matter what you do to appease them, they taunt you. Telling you that your stupid, that your to blame, that you don’t deserve any of the happiness that you feel, that you should just kill yourself. 

And if you’re already suffering from depression or anxiety or with these kinds of thoughts, having a constantly present voice in your head yelling these things at you can really make you start to believe it’s true. Maybe I am stupid, it is all my fault, I don’t deserve happiness, maybe I should just kill myself.

But you don’t. You’re too scared. You don’t have the courage, you're not strong enough, you're not smart enough, you're not brave enough. You're not good enough.

Dissociative identity disorder and its other manifestations are a horrible, terrible and constant suffering. Because once upon a time, almost a decade ago, something bad happened to you. And you suffer the consequences of that bad event every single day. Something you had no choice in, something you didn’t ask for, and it completely mutilated the life that you had before. But at the end of the day,

you can’t change it. You can’t change what happened, you can’t make it better, you just have to live with it. You have to cope with it, you have to deal with it. You just have to try and make the best of it. 

And even if the best isn’t as good as you think it could be, you’re still here. You’re still alive, you’re still surviving, and you’re okay. Dissociative identity disorder is your brains, albeit flawed, way of protecting you. So even if you wish you’d never even been born, you were. And I can guarantee that at some point, you’ve felt happiness and joy. And that makes it all worth it. Finally being able to feel again is a hard thing to achieve, but once you do, the cloudy skies seem to clear up, showing off the beautiful rainbow left behind by the storm. 

DID, OSDD, and PTSD are hard to live with. But you’re doing it. And that’s beautiful.

[alyjojo]

August 👨🏽‍🏫 2023 Monthly - Aries

Whole of your energy: 7 Pentacles

You’ve been biding your time waiting for the finances to do something you’ve had your hopes set on for some time, saving money to do this. You’re having an issue with your partner this month, over whatever you’re doing, and I don’t get anything bad exactly. You’re just acting with a lot of self interest, they could feel like they aren’t even being considered in your master plan, which will inevitably cause a bump in the road. You probably feel you’ve earned it, and you do.

What’s going on in August:

6 Swords:

Travel could be part of whatever you’re doing, and I get the sense you’re doing this alone. Whether it’s a work trip, a friend trip, something like that, you’ve saved up for a fun time regarding some passion of yours that you’re excited to do. Your person may have even helped you to get to this point, I don’t get them being annoyed by what you’re doing. Maybe it’s the whole doing it alone part that gets under their skin.

8 Pentacles:

Could definitely be a work trip, conference, meeting, but if so it’s somewhere fun, or there is fun planned to be had after the work stuff. It could also be relating to a hobby or a passion of yours that you’ve wanted to get better at, like surfing for example. I don’t get a partying energy or anything that seems shady at all, you’re just out to have a good time. Some of you are doing something with the goal of working towards a higher position, and that can be anything. Classes in another area or a workshop, but you’re going to have fun too and not hole yourself up in a hotel room being bored.

2 Cups rev:

Your person shows up as King of Cups, this is someone emotionally mature and loves you deeply, but they may not be sharing their emotions with you on how hurt they feel. There is a disconnect between you, maybe due to something you say. It’s possible this person is feeling guarded like they’re about to be hurt. I don’t get a jealous vibe, just an insecure one, or maybe they’re going through something separately and then you get on the phone all joyous and celebrating yourself…could put them off. You’ll definitely feel distance there, which in turn will make you feel insecure. They’re probably doing that on purpose.

The Hermit:

Clarified by The Tower, some drastic shocking event is going to blindside you a bit. It could be travel related, things get delayed, weather gets really bad, your room floods, the sea turns red, any number of things. More than anything though, your person is probably not picking up their phone 📱 If you ghosted them while on your adventure or something, they could be giving you a taste of your own medicine. It’s possible they tried to talk to you about how they feel, and you’re the one making it worse by purposely ignoring them. The Hermit shows you somehow ending up alone for a period of time, if you’re with other people at some point, you won’t be. Crimson Dreams points out sadness, your color energy starts out so positive and ends up with this energy of regret, but the reasons for it won’t be the same for everyone.

Wheel of Fortune:

This is either here to show the outcome for the month, or advice for you in this sad energy. Look at the Wheel as destined occurrences, even blocks, and sometimes we’re blocked from things for reasons we don’t even know but are actually the best thing for us. Have some faith, the future actually looks very bright, happy, sunny, not chaotic weather, and Justice is showing the right thing is going to happen. Things will balance out. New Start indicates happiness on a new path as well, as soon as this issue is taken care of, and Recharge could be the reason. Maybe you two just need a break from each other, if romantic. Or it’ll get better soon, but for now you need a break from their emotions and should just take advantage of that time with the same energy you’re in at the start of the month. Enjoying yourself, by yourself. If you can, depends what this means for you. If someone else is simply trying to hold you back from your dreams & desires, or make you feel guilty about having a good time, fk that 💯 Someone else needs to be accountable for their own issues, and you may come off as kinda selfish or insensitive in the way you deliver that message but…yeah 🤷‍♀️

Signs you may be dealing with:

Virgo, Taurus, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Leo & Aries

Oracles: ✨

66 New Start

Sometimes we must realize that what we have done needs to be discarded and we must make a new start.

17 Flash

A creative flash of inspiration will come to you and quickly give you the perfect solution.

78 Recharge

When the pace of life becomes too hectic, know you slow down, be mindful, and go with the flow.

We enter into August as:

Dancin’ Daisy 🌻

“Let’s just jump and see what happens.” - Joe vs. the Volcano

Dancin’ Daisy represents a new phase in life, the acceleration of all the events that happen. Daisy says “Come to me and jump beyond what you believe, into a new possibility.” It tells you take action where you may not have previously. Daisy is the life energy, she is connected to enthusiasm. Dancin’ Daisy is physical expansion and embodies in physical form the example we all seem. She represents a joyous time for you, a move, a job, or another significant change, such as a marriage. This also signifies taking a risk that will work with faith and trust. This is the moment after the leap, when you cannot see where you will land. The Daisy is reassurance that you will land on your feet, so keep the faith.

Daisy also represents radiant health. Spirit can only manifest through us if we honor the physical body we inhabit. This may mean that you need to adopt a good physical fitness regiment. Your will to heal yourself is great. If a man is attracted to this fable the indication is strong that he is pulling a new partner into his life. This is also an indication for him to look to a woman for his next brilliant idea. If a woman is drawn to this fable, she is the radiant being that is attracting all that she needs.

What is to be learned in August:

Crimson Dreams 🥀:

“I am feeling the loss of my dreams.”

Crimson Dreams indicates holding back in some way. Are you selling yourself short? More than likely, it’s a warning you might be giving up on yourself. Are you in a danger zone of complacency? Are you allowing yourself to coast along in a situation you might not really want? Unless we are willing to risk, we may never realize our dreams. This is a need for new awareness. Don’t give up on your dreams! This is a wake up call to face your situation and live the life you truly desire, because you can.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️

[greasysteak]

Im back you guys

Supernatural is never forgotten it seems. Very happy to be here I missed being passionate about this show lol😇😇😇😇💝🎖️

Anyways one of my favorite things in sam and deans dynamic is the way they compliment each other in how they respond to when the other is in danger/dead/injured. I remember some really amazing posts being made about this by other people before omg. Still on my mind.

Idk I know partly it’s because the show puts them in very different situations but I think it’s very telling that when Sam dies dean hurts himself, plans his own demise (ie suicide) and when Dean dies Sam plans to essentially hurt the outside world (so, others) in this very mechanical vengeful way. Same way John did really lol although the show already presents this comparison very early on.

Dean is protective, his sole focus is that Sam is ok, no matter if he does end up fighting whoever in the process. Sam is reactive, his focus is on hurting whoever did the inflicting on dean. This in my opinion is because Sam is Dean’s world, or at least, Deans link to the outside world as well as his sense of self as a person with the role of Protector. Meanwhile Dean is arguably the most important part of Sam’s world, which is filled with the rest of everything as well. And Dean is Sam’s link to the world of Hunting, even when hunting becomes something he’s chosen on his own for himself no matter what Dean might want for him.

In this same train of thought, when Sam dies, Dean’s first reaction is to paralyze, to become passive, outwardly distressed, disconnected. When he does become active, he’s still very clearly emotional. When Dean dies Sam very quickly becomes active in a much controlled, methodical manner where the anger boils and spills.

Obivously within reason. They both cry, are sad, etc Lol. But I do think the contrast in how they act is there.

I really like the characterization of Dean not being someone especially vengeful, rather dutiful. And Sam as either the opposite, or both.

In the same vein I’ve always found it really interesting how the persona of who is the normal one and who is the weird one flips and flops between the two brothers throughout the show and in various contexts. In reality they’re both outsiders within their world and they are both weird, since they’re hunters. Deep down Sam is the one with the conflict of being a freak, both in his family and an actual freak with the demon blood thing, and a freak within college life at Stanford in Palo Alto. But really Sam is also at the beginning of the show especially, presented as the normal of the two due to having been outside the world of hunting, unlike Dean, who remains sheltered… despite not having been the one BORN into hunting. He may be charismatic but he’s closed off, antisocial, except for Sam and the few contacts they have. As the show goes on, Sam’s neediness and Dean’s charisma puts them into the private and open one respectively.

Also i think it’s very important to note that they view their relationship in equally (yet different) distorted ways. And the show shows this. It’s lowkey easier to focus on Dean because he’s very protective but Sam is absolutely the same way (or even more intense lol depending on your interpretations) he just conceals it better most of the time lol.

Then again the show is so long and has so many glossed over details and so many retcons I swear you could make ANY claim and find substantial textual and subtextual evidence to back it up. I haven’t forgotten about the drunk driver Dean debate, you guys… That’s honestly what I love most about spn lol the implications of it all………

Anyways I’m not saying anything new here I know but I love this side of tumblr and spnblr omg..

[majoringinsarcasm]

I am ranting again ignore this xo

I will never understand the mindset of “Yeah I started this altercation because I publicly talked shit about you on my public account BUT bc you have a lot of followers and are a legal adult (19) the way you talk to me has to reflect that power imbalance. Yes I made up rumors about you or at the very least didn’t look deeper into the accusations but uhhhh all your followers are quoting my public tweet and I’m 17 so you’re literally harassing a minor and should feel bad about not coming to me privately the way I did not do to you.”

Like. Sure. Older people in fandom bullying teenagers is not something I’m about especially the older I get. But 17 and 19 is Not 17 and 25 I feel like you can’t pull the minor card on someone just bc they’re a popular artist which you Knew when you reposted their art to shit on them.

Like I’d say this rant on Twitter but I’m not close to the artist and this is just me hating so much the way fandom has become this evil competition and how you can say awful shit about people as long as you have less followers or you’re younger. In this case No the “gap” in ages is not enough to justify feeling entitled. Like if you’re gonna shit on someone two years older than you who you Know has a lot of followers…. Like I wonder why they have you blocked if this is how you behave. No one deserves harassment regardless of how popular they are or how many ppl are in their corner. But if I openly talked shit and spread rumors about a popular artists and then people were calling me out in the quotes I wouldn’t turn around and say “

I’m in my twenties and you’re 33 why are you acting like this”

2024 stop bullying and seeing it as justified bc you dislike something that’s not hurting anyone. Stop being mean and rude and thinking it’s fun. Stop using age when you’re only two years apart to claim that there’s some big power imbalance when you are the one who starts the shit. Bc and I cannot state this enough. Being a Legal adult by one year is not the same as being thirty and willingly bullying teenagers. Someone who is 19 is not somehow more powerful than someone who is 17 online. Like ppl have different maturity levels but a bully is a bully and it’s very clear who did something they didn’t need to. In public without censoring the name on the art they reposted.

Like the disconnect between “why did you send your followers who are able to see my public tweet after me you are bullying me”. Like no. People can step out of line and That is not okay. Bc again that’s not cool. But. A public tweet. With art. That has their name in it. They didn’t need to send anyone after you they know who you’re talking about.

Like I’m saying all this as someone who’s been in fandom spaces for a good chunk. Not super long but long enough to see this shift where being openly rude is super normal and when the person who is being shit on claps back it’s always Um I’m younger or Um you have more followers. And sometimes it’s a valid point. Sometimes it’s two teenagers who use Being 18 as some kind of weapon as if the actual age means anything when it comes to Literally and Publicly Bullying a person. I hen I turned 18 I didn’t think or feel any different. Being able to vote or look at porn has no bearing on who it’s ok to harass especially when you’re still in the same age range. Like.

I’m just so tired and it makes me sad to see young people have this kind of mindset in fandom. There are times when things need to be taken seriously and discussed with maturity. But pulling out trump cards AS the bully has been one so normal and it’s like they don’t even care. Being Weird is bad enough to warrant bullying and if you try to combat it you better be the same age and have the same follower count I guess.

[dirtytransmasc]

Do you think Kiri’s relationship with Neytiri was damaged by her treatment of Spider? I remember one scene where Neytiri was trying to talk to her daughter and Kiri was totally blowing her off.

Like… Kiri was pretty much the only one with a real, sad reaction to Spider’s kidnapping, and she begged her mom not to leave him behind.

Also, I haven’t read the comics but I do know about the ‘You’ll never see my daughter again’ thing. And the wiki says Kiri tried to tell Spider that Neytiri actually did love him and that Neytiri was irritated when Kiri would invite Spider to family stuff.

And then there’s the hostage thing. I remember a post pointing out that Kiri was begging her not to “kill” him proving that she had no faith in her mother. I just imagine Kiri yelling out, “I will never forgive you if you kill him!” as a way of convincing her not to do it.

I can see why it’s not really shown in the aftermath of the ship sinking and Neteyem’s death, but do you think this could be something in future movies? Like, we rightfully talk about Spider’s feelings on Neytiri, but I feel like there’s something here with Kiri.

And maybe Neytiri also blaming Spider for causing problems between her and her daughter before the movie, and maybe hoping she can improve things with Kiri now that he’s out of the picture, but that not really happening because Kiri just wanted her to save Spider and she didn’t, and then things hitting a real low after threatening to kill him in her name.

And obviously, that is her mother and she loves her despite all this, but there’s just this disconnect, which could actually be a good parallel to Quaritch and Spider (as well as Jake and Lo’ak) seeing as they love each other SO MUCH but the kid just needs their parent to understand where they’re coming from and why what they’re doing is hurting them while the parent thinks they know what’s best for their kid and is just trying to do what they know to be right and wishing that their kid wouldn’t be so stubborn.

What do you think?

I think the complicated nature of kiri and neytiri's relationship has many source; kiri being adopted, kiri having a connection with her mother, kiri feeling different overall (we see her having a disconnect with almost everyone in her family excluding spider and lo'ak because they too, are different), but most definitely the biggest source of conflict is spider.

she is angry because neytiri hates the one person who truly makes her feel normal, she mistreats spider, treats him like an outsider, a freak, which makes kiri feel... weird. she knows neytiri would never think of her like that, but to know she is capable of hating someone simply for being different, hurts.

she hates having to tiptoe spider around her mother because he is the one person who makes her feel normal, who she can connect to. she feels like she has to be ashamed of him sometimes, like he is a burden to their family, makes her feel sick; she should be able to have a friend who is different without feeling like she's bringing shame to herself.

I think that neytiri letting spider get taken (I don't think she could have stopped it, but she didn't try and kiri would know that, know that her mother protected her and her children, but left spider to fend for himself that night), only to forget about him only a few weeks later, then holding her ability to kill him over quaritch's head, cutting the boy she considered her brother; that would put some strain on the relationship.

they love each other, there always will, but there is some serious conflict between the two of them with spider at the core of it. I think it will be a continuing conflict throughout the movies and I think that will be the catalyst for a more major family conflict. maybe the official ousting of spider, or the official adoption of spider; the family having to pick their values.

[dmclemblems]

Another thing worth mentioning about Claude's relationship with his parents: despite his feelings of admiration for his mother and despite remembering the bedtime stories his father told him, he still never writes to them. He can contact Nader no problemo (can even have him IN FODLAN, and for extended periods of time!), but his supports with Hilda also show off that he's so disconnected from his parents he's actually not even sure they're still alive.

Claude: Well, that's a fine thing to do, regardless of your reasons. As for me, it's been far too long since I've written to my parents...

Hilda: Oh? I thought your father had died.

Claude: Not quite. He's still alive and kicking...as far as I know. 

So on top of the Horse Incident... the "deal with the assassins yourself tiny child" thing... the fact that Claude ran away without telling his dad (if we go by Hopes) and without his mom seeming to give a shit that he's leaving all by himself... the act that going by Hopes Daddy-o is doing Literally Nothing about his children trying to violently invade his lover's homeland, and nothing about his children trying to murder each other for his throne... yeah these two are incredibly shitty parents, Gilbert could never dream of being this bad lmao.

But like, I also kinda like how... real? I guess? Claude's reaction to this is. He loves his parents, and he'll have open admiration for at least his mother, but then he starts talking about the other stuff and it's like "oh, that sounds like an abuse victim." Hearing him talk about how he "deserved" to either be dragged around by a horse or helplessly tied to its saddle as it runs around (depending on which version) shocked me when I first heard it, because "I was being bad I deserved to get hit by my parents" is such a huge red flag hearing someone say.

Plus how fondly he looks back on that memory - like you said, he was probably so elated to have his parents pay attention to him that the means in what they did so literally meant nothing to him (and could also tie into why he remembered those bedtime stories so well; another rare moment of his parent's attention being given to him) And him making the active effort to not talk to his parents once he ran away makes it so much worse, and hearing him still hold such fondness for them anyway in his A support with Byleth is almost more sad than it is endearing.

I'm honestly also surprised that the fandom just never acknowledges this? They act like Claude's parents are so cool for the most part, when his are legit some of the worst 3H has to offer and he's such a clear case of an abused child it's not even funny.

For real lol. People bash Gilbert for leaving his family while completely ignoring all the context about why. Meanwhile they celebrate badass Almyran king and queen despite that they’re horrible to Claude and probably all of their children as far as the king goes.

I also appreciate how Claude’s situation is complicated regarding his parents. Even abused children can still love their parents and it’s a very difficult situation. It’s a cycle of being abused then the parents will do something nice for the child, and that child believes they love them now and will be nice to them going forward. When that doesn’t happen, they remember the good things and try to tell themselves that their parents aren’t all bad and that there’s good in there. They love them for the nice things they do and tend to want more of it, so they stick around hoping to see that more.

Once Claude got old enough I’d imagine he probably realized it wasn’t normal and decided enough was enough. Even if he just wanted attention from his parents, I’m sure he could only take so much of what he went through between the assassinations and nobody really caring about him. Hilda was right to be shocked and horrified at what Claude went through, because that’s just... not normal. Also, if a child comes to believe they deserved the treatment, it’s because the parents made them think they deserved it and the child starts to accept it even if the punishment is reprehensible.

Even though Claude tends to brush this stuff off like it’s all in the past, it’s clearly affected him and his ability to trust people and form emotional connections. Like I said above, he remembers the good things fondly because it was the only positive attention he could get. He doesn’t fondly remember being punished and just speaks casually of it, but he shows no happiness for it. I’m sure Tiana does love him, but it also sounds like she either is afraid to go against her husband’s ways or just changed for the worse. Maybe the king does also love Claude, but it doesn’t excuse how terribly he treated him. Fact is, you’re only a child once and once you’re scarred from your childhood, you can’t just fix that.

Him not talking to his parents after leaving is a good step forward for him tbh. Cutting off contact regardless of how “sad” they might be is what you have to do in that situation. It’s like when toxic parents want their children to live with them to use them for selfish reasons, and they gaslight their kids so they can get what they want and be controlling. In that situation all you can really do is cut them out of your life. Of course, there’s always the whole giving them another chance in the future kind of thing, but if they continue acting like that then you cut them out permanently.

In Claude’s case I think he did the right thing to leave his father hanging like that, because boo hoo the king is so sad he can’t rule properly, but how do we not know that wasn’t intentional acting so that hopefully the information would reach Claude that he was acting like that? Maybe he could make Claude feel bad and come home... and the cycle would just continue. When parents act sad like that and “miss” their child despite having previously abused them in any form, it’s usually meant to manipulate the child’s emotions and make them come back. If your kids are trying to kill each other for whatever reason, how does that not make you more depressed than your most abused and bullied child running away from home and getting away from all that?

Personally I never found his stories about his life to be endearing. I found all of it to be depressing and upsetting. He may be older in the time of the game and know how to better manage that stuff, but it’s always worth noting that he was just a little boy when all this happened to him. Kids can get scared so easily and yet he acts like none of it actually really affected him, despite that any child being put through all that would traumatize them. All of that shows in his personality through his relationships and his inability to notice he’s pressing too hard on someone’s emotions until after it’s already done. He’s literally still in the learning process of how to understand other people’s emotions at the age of 18.

Having any fond memories of his abusers is exactly what a lot of abuse victims go through. I’m honestly shocked most of the fandom doesn’t look at his experiences as being legitimately terrible. His parents aren’t cool or badass. They’re terrible parents and not people who even deserve to call him their child. They certainly didn’t treat him like parents should treat their children. No child should be growing up in those circumstances.

The funny thing about the whole “bad parent” thing with Fodlan’s parents is that with Faerghus, they’re not only pretty decent parents, but then you get Matthias, who, well, more or less neglected his children (rather than abused them). Difference being, in Hopes he actually admits to knowing he was a bad father to Sylvain (and presumably Miklan who is still alive and well in that timeline as it’s GW he says this to Sylvain in). Then you have Lambert, who Rodrigue believes Dimitri losing would be horrible for Dimitri. Lambert decides that if he does die, he can safely leave Dimitri to Rodrigue. He had an idea, some sort of plan, if he were to die where his child would be safely in the care of someone who loved him. Rodrigue loved Glenn so much that he never stopped looking for answers about Duscur, coming across all kinds of valuable information about things that didn’t concern Glenn simply because he was distraught and had to know why his son had to die that day (and no, it wasn’t because he was a true knight. That was Rodrigue’s distressed way of coping. When he was in a better state of mind, he investigated the situation to get real answers. That’s the proof he wasn’t satisfied with the idea of leaving it at “Glenn was just doing his job”). Regarding Felix, Felix was the one who didn’t want to talk to Rodrigue, so Rodrigue backed off and let his son have space, but always looked out for him and tried to get closer to him. There was only so much he could do, but he did what little he could because he cared about Felix, even if Felix would walk away mad. Rodrigue just wanted his son in good hands.

That’s a pretty massive contrast to leaving your child vulnerable to assassins who are also partially your other children by not protecting him. Faerghus’ fathers would 110% absolutely have someone’s head for trying to harm their child, much less kill their child. No child deserves to have to fight their own battles, and no child deserves to have to rely on themselves to survive. Even with animals, you see the mother raise her young until they’re old enough to leave their home. Birds, cats, rabbits, you name it. They take care of their babies and keep them safe at home until they’re old enough to wander and get their own food and live outside of a confined area for their safety. It’s pretty much instinctual.

If Claude were real, all the stuff he went through would be such a big deal. I wish more people saw that because it’s good writing as far as Claude is concerned, but it also means his parents weren’t as amazing as other people say they are. Notice how it’s always other characters talking about how great they are, but Claude never has very good things to say about them that extend beyond basically “look they gave me attention once or twice every half a year”.

[beyondspaceandstars]

The Military Dog Tag Dilemma

Relationship: Stucky x Reader Warnings: N/A, just fluff Summary: You just want to wear the military tags of both your men but Steve seems to run into some issues. A/N: I am also always a sucker for Stucky writing ok and this was my first personal attempt at it and i thought it came out well <3

masterlist

Bucky gave you his dog togs within weeks of establishing your relationship with him and Steve.

You loved to mindlessly play with them as the three of you cuddled up in bed, enjoying some pillow talk after, particularly long days. Steve spooning you from behind as you laid on Bucky’s chest, his arm thrown around you, running his fingers through Steve’s hair. Your fingers would fumble with the shiny tags, turning them over in your hand, watching the minimal moonlight hit them every now and then.

You didn’t know what it was about the tags that had you so captivated nearly every night. It felt so simple yet so intimate as you stared at your lover’s name and information engraved in them. While you weren’t exactly an expert on wartime, you knew the tags could serve as gifts to partners, assuring your heart to one another. The concept definitely drifted through your mind from time to time, but you never brought it up.

Bucky, however, seemed to be thinking the same thing. Wordlessly, one night, he slipped off the silver chain, tags clinking together musically, and slid them over your head. The coolness of them tickled your neck as the tags fell to the valley between your breasts.

You didn’t know what to say. Your heart was pounding as you ran your fingers around the necklace. Even Steve seemed a little shocked by the actions. But Bucky was fully pleased as evident by the cocky grin he wore watching you ogle at the gift. He had to admit — knowing you were walking around with his name dangling from your neck did something for him.

"Where are your tags, Steve?" You had asked after placing a loving, appreciative kiss on Bucky’s lips. Now that you obtained Bucky’s tags, it only seemed fitting you wore Steve’s as well.

Steve shifted. You looked up at him only to find him watching the wall across from the bed, seemingly lost in thought. "I-I’m not really sure, honey."

You let out a sad hum at the response. "Well, if you find them, let me know," you yawned, shuffling down in the bed to get comfier. "I’d like both of my men close to me all the time."

Since then, Steve had been on a mission to find dog tags. Going through archives, chain of custody notes, discarded boxes… Everything. There was just something about the entire thing that was driving Steve mad. He was honored you wanted to show off the claim your two lovers had on you but he was also deeply concerned about the fact that currently you only had Bucky’s to wear.

While Steve wouldn’t exactly call himself jealous in this situation, knowing you didn’t love him any less, the relationship was established the way it was and he felt you should still have something of his to truly show for it.

This led Steve on what felt like a manhunt for the "damn dog tags," as he kept referring to them when Bucky would check-in asking if all was okay. Nothing was really okay. He had looked high and low for them, going through every potential record in the database trying to at least confirm there was something to even look for.

He pounded his fist against the desk late one night. Steve had pushed you and Bucky to get some sleep, claiming he had some reports to look over before bed. You two had looked at him suspiciously but eventually agreed, planting loving kisses on his cheeks, and telling him not to stay up too late.

"I get cold without both of you there," you had mumbled with a sleepy yawn following. Your words almost made Steve give up for the night but then he caught a glimpse of the silver chain on your neck. Seeing you like that, using your tired, loving voice, he remembered what he was doing this for. It was you. It was all about you and your love for sentimental things.

He grudgingly agreed to be there in an hour and that seemed to please his two lovers. Except — it was way past an hour. The sky was close to daybreak when he hit the desk in frustration.

Pushing the folders away, Steve leaned back in the chair, sighing. Within seconds, footsteps came from the hall and Bucky appeared in the doorway, watching a frustrated Steve.

"Everything okay in here?" Bucky asked, leaning against the door frame.

"Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine," Steve nodded. "Go back to bed, I’ll be there in a bit."

But Bucky didn’t look the slightest bit convinced. He had a knowing look in his eyes which Steve tried to avoid by looking down at the now splintered desk.

"How are those reports going?"

Steve rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed groan. Deep down he knew he couldn’t hide anything from Bucky but still, worth a shot.

He pushed all the folders away this time, leaving them at the very edge of the desk. "I did have dog tags, right?"

"That’s still bothering you, huh?" Bucky crossed the threshold into the office and made his way to one of the chairs in front of Steve’s desk. He took one of the folders and sat directly across from Steve. Casually, he thumbed through it, waiting for his partner to start talking.

Steve didn’t really want to get into it again as he had probably hounded Bucky about it all last week but acting like it wasn’t bothering him was getting him nowhere — obviously.

"Yes," Steve sighed. "I just want her to have something from each of us. It’s- It’s hard watching our girl…"

Bucky frowned, "I’m sorry, Steve. I should’ve waited to give them to her."

"No, Buck," Steve leaned forward, reaching his hand out. Bucky took the signal and leaned, placing his own hand in Steve’s. "You wanted her to have them. That’s your call. I just feel disappointed I have nothing to give."

"Well…" Bucky hummed, tilting his head in thought. Steve’s eyes furrowed, trying to get his partner to spit out whatever he was thinking. "What if we ordered you new ones?"

"Can you do that?"

"I honestly don’t know," Bucky chuckled. "But I don’t understand half of what you can do these days, so, I’d imagine there’s a way to get dog tags made."

Steve sighed, leaning back in his chair, disconnecting their touch. It seemed reasonable and would do the job except for the fact— "But they wouldn’t be in combat or- or from the actual military."

Bucky just shook his head. With an annoyed scoff, he said, "Do you think that really matters to her?"

"I guess not…"

"Steve, honey, I promise. It’s about the presentation, the show of it. Our girl is just looking for something personal from you to keep close to her," Bucky assured him. "Plus, I think we can get it updated and personalized. Maybe even write something nice just for her on the back."

Steve had to admit, his heart was jumping happily at the idea. He really couldn’t argue with anything and agreed to the plan. The only issue was — they were a bit out of touch with ordering anything online. You had always been the one to assure online packages and food deliveries arrived but now they had to take you out of the equation. While excited to surprise you, they were slightly unsure about ordering and had to enlist the help of the team who all turned out to be more than happy to assist once they explained their idea.

A few weeks later, you were laying in your shared bed, back against the headboard, body cozied up under the duvet. You were engrossed in a cheesy romance novel, waiting for Steve and Bucky to join you for the night. Eventually, the two came in, but they were still in their work attire.

You frowned at their appearance. "Aren’t you guys coming to bed?"

As you asked your question, you couldn’t help but note their unusual stance. The two men were side-by-side, standing at the foot of the bed, looking down at you. Bucky had his hands in his pockets while Steve appeared to be hiding something behind his back. You eyed them suspiciously.

"We will in a bit, doll," Bucky said. You watched him as he came around to the side of the bed. He sat down and leaned against the headboard, shifting right next to you, sneakily taking the book out of your grip. "But first, Steve has something for you."

"For- For me?" You asked, whipping your head around to face Steve. He had a bit of nervousness to him as he nodded, making his way over to the bed and sitting on the edge.

Silently, he handed you a small box. You eagerly accepted the item, turning it over and over in your hands. Giving it a light shake, the box made a jangling noise. "What is it?" You asked, wide-eyed looking between the two men.

Steve and Bucky both let out soft chuckles at your excitement. "You have to open it to find out," Steve said. He still had an air of anxiousness, running his hands up and down his jean-covered thighs, fidgeting.

To put your poor boyfriend out of his misery, you opened the box. At first, all you noticed was something slim and shiny. Eyes furrowed in confusion, you pulled out what appeared to be a chain. You could feel a slight heaviness to it — and then you saw it. Your jaw dropped as you tossed the box next to you. In your hands was another set of dog tags nearly identical to the ones you already had adorned on your neck — only this pair were inscribed with the name Steven Grant Rogers.

"Steve-," you gasped, staring at the tags laying in the palm of your hands. You were at a loss for words as you read the tag.

"Are- Are they okay?" Steve asked, his nervous hand came up to rest on your thigh, pulling your attention back to him.

"Are you kidding me?" You let out a breathy laugh. "They’re wonderful, honey, thank you so much."

"You’re sure?" He asked again. Bucky gave him a pointed look for his ridiculousness but that didn’t stop Steve from rambling. "I-I couldn’t find mine so, I got a new pair made. I know they’re maybe not as authentic or something but I still wanted-,"

"You had these made?" You cut in. "For me?"

Steve nodded, "You had Bucky’s, so, it was only fair you had something of mine, too."

You couldn’t hold your emotions back at his word. Tears began forming as you looked at your soft, loving partner. You let out little sniffles as you turned back to the tags, still soaking in their meaning. Bucky placed a light touch on your arm as Steve scooted closer, probably suddenly scared by your tears.

"They’re perfect, honey," you whispered as you looked back at him and leaned forward, placing a sweet kiss on Steve’s lips. He eagerly accepted, practically sighing from relief under your touch. "They’re going to go perfect with the tags from my other man." You mumbled and turned to now give Bucky a kiss, who felt very pleased to get a turn to lock lips with you.

Facing Steve again, you handed him the chain. He looked down at it, confused.

"Well, soldier, are you going to put them on me?"

Both of the men chuckled at your actions but Steve happily slid the silver chain over your neck, watching as the tags fell to your chest. Once they landed, they clang nicely with Bucky’s. It sounded like music to your ears.

"I love you both so much," you said, your hand mindlessly running over the pair of tags. "Thank you."

"We love you too, doll," Bucky said. Steve nodded in agreement.

Smiling, you gave them both quick pecks and said, "Now, are you guys coming to bed?"

Bucky scoffed, "How could we ever deny you?"

You giggled. "I don’t think you can seeing as last time I checked I was a special girl."

At your words, both their gazes dropped once again to the tags hanging between your breasts, seeming so at place there.

"You sure are, honey," Steve mumbled, placing a kiss on your cheek.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

join my taglist

[arcanesdiary]

pov : you’re watching sunset from plane and you’re thinking this

looking out of the tiny window rn while the plane takes off. Music playing loud into my ears. all the big buildings leisurely fainting away like a thousand year old painting, making me think how insignificant the presence of a human being is that they’re not even visible w naked eye from above and how even less importance our thoughts, societal beliefs and all the overthinking holds.

Watching sunset from thousands of feet above felt like seeing a long worn out wooden ship getting lost, drowned into the thickness of ocean forever. All the different shades of colour blended flawlessly in the sky, making it seem as if an experienced artist is trying to give last minute touch ups to it’s long completed painting. When I looked straight where the bright red streak met the dark black clouds, which lowkey looked like a shiny transparent glass floor, I suddenly felt like I was watching a person on the larger scale. Pretty coatings of colour merging abruptly with a whole undiscovered island of wrecked emotions.

it was really sad how I was the only one staring out of my window while everybody preferred anything else over happiness. Because beauty is where you find happiness in. Perhaps we were put on this earth to find happiness around us, in moon, sky, stars, lakes or trees and eventually it might grow in our eyes, mind and soul too. But, people are so ignorant and unaware of themselves and their surroundings and still wonder why every materialistic things in this world won’t make them happy. It pains me to see how only few know how to actually view this world.

The sky darkened with every moment passing by and insides of the plane began reflecting on the dark glass. I was still glued to the window, only now two hands were beside my face, for it was the only way to disconnect from the lifeless world behind me and to admire pure bliss in front of me. Just when I thought I could print this vision in my forgetful brain, I looked up to see one star and then another and another. By the time I finished counting, I made more than 30 friends. funny how they were clearly visible and yet nobody observed. Perhaps only those could capture that moment who wanted to actually use their eyes for something more than just blank space staring.

the lights below me were sparkling in clusters too and it felt as if the distant stars above were in dispute w the artificial gleam below me. As if the streak of yellow, blue and red in between were about to declare the most anticipated result of their unbiased decision. For some reason, I felt like the stars made a very famous constellation and for just a moment, I realised I was not missing the moon every time I looked up, for the very first time. I felt terribly calm.

— arcane | thoughtprocess : 2022

this is the view I’m talking about, isn’t it breathtaking?

[bookofmirth]

The english side of me REALLY jumped out with this one lol

Possessiveness, jealousy, and overprotectiveness are staples of the romance genre, especially when it comes to paranormal romances, so much so that it’s expected for people to overlook the problematic aspects of possessiveness, jealousy, and overprotectiveness because these concepts in the romance genre are meant to be viewed not only as hot and sexy, but indicators of love and showing that the person cares. Despite their tendency to fall in the yellow flag zone, these concepts are meant to further the romance itself. And when you begin to question these concepts as they appear in different romances, there’s almost always pushback with people saying the books are “just fiction”. But what happens when there’s evidence that shows why these three concepts aren’t always healthy or hot/sexy in a romantic pairing? What happens when the narrative is using these concepts to show how they can be detrimental to a character and those romantically associated with that character?

Possessiveness/Overprotectiveness

In romances, it’s always in the man’s nature to be possessive and overprotective. These two concepts are usually used to show that a character is protective of their partner and we see that happen with almost all of SJM’s endgame ships, but they’re almost always portrayed as good/healthy because of the equal partnership that is present in those relationships. Thinking about acotar, a relationship where possessiveness and overprotectiveness were depicted in a negative light was between Feyre and Tamlin. Their relationship was imbalance and Tamlin’s possessiveness/overprotectiveness of Feyre stood out in the barriers he placed on Feyre when they were together: not letting her leave the house/keeping her in the house; saying everything is for her “protection”; only letting her talk to Alis and Lucien/limiting her interactions with others; telling Lucien to back off from Feyre because Tamlin saw him as a threat and that she could fall for him instead; having Feyre be dependent on him by not teaching her how to fight/learn how to use her powers; controlling every aspect of Feyre’s life at the beginning of acomaf; among other things.

Males in acotar feel an intrinsic sense of entitlement to their mate and are described as being protective and possessive over their mates. When people say that A is exhibiting “mate behavior” towards E, obviously there is a positive connotation associated with that phrase because of how the males act around their mate. But the thing is A isn’t E’s mate. A’s possessiveness of E is treading on the waters of Tamlin-ville because: A speaks for E, which is oddly similar to what some of E’s stans do in fandom discussions (as if E herself reached out of the book to personally tell them things that no one else knows); he makes it known that E shouldn’t help with the Dread Trove, which is an example of A attempting to limit what E does; and he subtly expresses a sense of entitlement over E in the bonus chapter during his conversation with Rhys when he questions if the Cauldron was wrong in pairing E with Lucien. A’s “mate behavior” is completely different from Rhys and Cassian because Rhys and Cassian are canonically mated to Feyre and Nesta, which plays a role in how they act towards them. Also, neither of them attempt to limit what Feyre and Nesta do even if they worry about their safety. To say that A is exhibiting “mate behavior” towards E would have the same effect as saying Tamlin was exhibiting “mate behavior” towards Feyre. I think that the reason A’s actions towards E are described as mate-like is because thinking otherwise calls his actions into question. I assume some people aren’t ready for that conversation because he’s been portrayed as the sad bat boy in the fandom for so long that it’s probably hard for people to come to terms with this not being the case.

When people say A being overprotective of E is similar to Rhys and Cassian being overprotective of Feyre and Nesta, the comparison becomes incomparable because A is overprotective of E to the point where he goes against what E wants to do (E stating she wanted to help find the dread trove, a scene in which A was present and later A said E shouldn’t be exposed to its innate darkness), while Rhys and Cassian know Feyre and Nesta are capable of fending for themselves in dangerous situations. It’s just ironic that A’s overprotectiveness in this moment contradicts E’s “choice” of wanting to help, yet I don’t see that being mentioned in those “choice” arguments.

Jealousy

Jealousy in the romance genre is always meant to further the romance between the love interests and we see that happen with rowaelin and chaorene (and probably other SJM ships too). But when the jealousy and the romance are disconnected from each other, that’s meant to show something about the character who is jealous and what they’re jealous of. On the second page of the bonus chapter, it’s established that A is envious of Cassian and Rhys and that the reason he remained downstairs by the fire was so that he didn’t get swallowed up by his jealousy in his room. Then on the third page, it’s revealed that the reason he stayed by the door at Solstice was because “he couldn’t stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option of leaving if it became too much”. There is a blatant reimagining happening with A’s bonus chapter to make it seem as though his jealousy is romantically coded when the jealousy has nothing to do with his relationship with E and more to do with him. This reimagining has to be a case of people seeing what they want to see because I highly doubt people are out here failing literature class.

The Romance Genre & SJM

A and E’s interaction in the bonus chapter is frequently compared to Wings and Embers. The only similarity between these two chapters is the sexual undertones, which is part of the reason why I think people compare them in the first place because everything else (the structure of the chapters, their contents, and the amount of characters involved in them) is different. I think people are hiding behind the sexual undertones of the bonus chapter in hopes that it somehow overshadows not only the oddness of A’s interaction with E, but the ending of the bonus chapter as well. And even more than that, A giving away the necklace is compared to Cassian tossing Nesta’s present in the Sidra. Since A is able to give the necklace away that should tell you about the significance of the necklace’s connection to E herself (if A can easily give it away to the next person on the street) whereas Cassian regifting Nesta’s present would probably be meaningless to someone else because it was Nesta specific.

We know that acotar is more romance heavy compared to tog and cc so I can see why people lean more on the conventions of the romance genre as a basis for their arguments. And this is fueled by SJM saying this new trilogy will have one couple per book. However, the downfall of these arguments is that oftentimes the plot, narrative structure of this new trilogy in particular, and individual character progressions are secondary or afterthoughts to the romance they support. These arguments lack any real substance because acotar has proved time and time again that both the romance AND the plot work in tandem, going against the broad strokes of the romance genre formula where the romance is primarily in the spotlight.

Basically, why do you think A’s possessiveness, jealousy, and overprotectiveness of E is romanticized? Why do you think A and E’s dynamic is constantly compared to feysand and nessian? And why do you think people take issue with A being compared to Tamlin?

I think that the reason A’s actions towards E are described as mate-like is because thinking otherwise calls his actions into question.

THIS

I hate the whole discussion of "mate behavior" because the series doesn't even explain that very well. Rhys can't explain why people are mated, if it's for reproduction or being "equals" (in what sense, who knows), the courts all handle acceptance/rejection differently, the consequences of rejection are unclear and make it seem like the woman is beholden to accept on pain of... causing someone else pain.

I agree 100% that people (maybe unconsciously) try to ascribe "mate behavior" to Azriel in order to excuse what would ordinarily be inexcusable. He doesn't have some magical thing making him act this way. Neither did Tamlin, and we know how people view his behavior. And that's another thing with "mate behavior" and the bond. Why would Tamlin and Feyre not be mates, if all it took were these extreme possessive and protective behaviors? Why aren't Az and Mor mates?

And it's not even about Elain! Az acts like this with Mor, and we know there isn't a mating bond there. Azriel has zero reason to behave the way that he does, not in the same way that the mating bond gives Rhys and Cassian an "excuse", flimsy as it is, for the way that they act around Nesta and Feyre. Even that excuse is crap, because we have Rhys out here leaving Feyre's abusive ex alone, and then we have Lucien doing the same with Graysen. The definition of "mate behavior" that some of the fandom is working with... is sus.

The fact is that no matter how "overprotective" and possessive Rhys and Cassian were, they never prevented Nesta or Feyre from doing what they wanted. They might have gotten their hackles up, but then they backed off. Rhys sent Feyre into the Weaver's cottage. Nesta went to war. There is a balance between caring deeply and passionately for these women, and recognizing them as individuals whose autonomy should be respected.

The jealousy is 100% not about Elain. It's not about Elain being with Lucien. It's not about Mor, because we know that it's not really about Mor sleeping with Helion. Azriel has 99 problems, and 98.5 of them are about his childhood and his loneliness. The other 0.5 problem comes in the shape of a snowball.

The only similarity between these two chapters is the sexual undertones

You know I haven't done a full blown comparison between these chapters, but I'd agree. The entire Wings and Embers short was about Nesta and Cassian. There were no other characters and they learned a great deal about one another. What did Elain and Az learn about one another as people in the first third of his POV? Nothing. There was no tension between them other than sexual. Cassian thought Nesta's name over and over, thought about her as a person and her personality and how she made him feel. Azriel literally only thinks about fucking Elain. There is nothing wrong with fucking, obviously, but that's not love. (Maybe I should fully compare them idk.)

It's when we look at everything he doesn't say in conjunction with how he treats Elain and Mor in other scenarios... that's troubling. People can misread our 😬 at his behavior all they want, but the fact is that Az didn't have a single kind, original thought about who Elain is. His POV gave us zero extra insight into who Elain is as a person, which is... startling, if we are supposed to think that they know one another so incredibly well and have such intense feelings for each other. Why would we not get additional insight into her character? We get a lot of insight into Az's character for sure. But following his POV, if he loves and knows this woman so well, we should feel that. We should know why he loves her, what he knows about her, we should... just get some more damn insight into her character, if we are in the POV of someone who supposedly knows her so well!!!!

You know it's funny though, because the Az and Elain interaction in his POV mirrors when Nesta imagined a threesome with Az and Cassian. Close, and potentially pretty hot, but it never really happened because then it would mess up sjm's plans for the future.

Okay now to your ACTUAL questions haha and not just my reactions to what you said.

I agree that romanticizing Azriel's behaviors is the better option for people who ship it because otherwise the alternative is to accept them for what they are, which is not about Elain at all. Az has an even longer history of being all "mate behavior" on Mor, but no one thinks that's odd? I think that some people pick and choose their evidence, which is a big reason why I keep shoving Mor into these conversations. If the "mate behavior" argument was genuine and had a solid foundation, then the people making these claims would still ship moriel.

The whole thing with Az and Tamlin comparisons.... oh boy. I think there is a lot there.

I think that people don't want to see Az as anything less than perfect sad boi that Elain can fix with her love.

I think that people have a difficult time seeing emotional abuse IRL, to the point where even people who experience it directly struggle to come to terms with it, so why would we willingly embrace its presence in fiction? It also flirts with a lot of the ideas you mentioned being present in a lot of romance, though I'd argue a lot of those elements are becoming passé.

I think that Tamlin is Fandom Enemy Number One while Azriel is Self-insert Book Boyfriend Number One, and maybe people don't know how to reconcile those things. (This is quite literally true, I checked AO3 for reader fanfics and compared numbers between the bat boys, Az/reader fics win by a landslide.)

There also seems to be a refusal to see or accept nuance. I'm not even talking about moral complexity because I don't think that either Tamlin or Az intend to behave the way they do. They aren't villains. It just reminds me of people who somehow don't think Nesta was absolutely horrible through much of the series, even though a huge focus of her arc in acosf was coming to terms with how she had treated people. Anyway...

People see "gwynriel shipper" or "elucien 💕" in a bio and just dismiss arguments before trying to understand them

People try to justify their actions of their faves, which I understand!

People don't understand how subtle emotional abuse can be, and how there doesn't have to be clear intention.

I still plan on pulling out evidence from the book about times when their behaviors mirror one another. But it's like I've said for months - Tamlin is a cautionary tale. I don't think Azriel will go that far, but the foundation is there. The fact that acotar/acomaf was so, so explicit about how Tamlin's behavior was not okay, and yet people can see that same behavior in another character one book later and want to try to excuse it... sigh. Way to miss the point, fandom.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

aquarium | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: You thought you and Jeon Jungkook would be last forever, but you had to read the ending yourself, in the form of typed words. When it arrived, you went to the blue sea. The grey sky would come and the black storm would appear.

warnings: cheating in established relationship; (very sad) angst; language; ambiguous ending; non-idol!AU; video game streamer!Jungkook x reader; ft. kind garden-loving landlord!Taehyung

--

now playing – trauma (aquarium) by ONEWE

this place has been transformed into something unknown i’m trapped alone in an aquarium

You could see the ending.

At first it was the little things. He held your hand a little less, stood a little further from you when you two walked side by side. Stared at his phone a lot.  Didn’t share his snacks as often. Spent all his time on his computer, streaming video games for longer and longer hours.

You had nothing to say. It was his job, after all.

You made his meals, washed his dishes. Changed his water bottles, gave him a kiss for the camera. Felt a little part of you die inside each time you went to bed alone, only to hear him slip under the blankets, hours after you. You went to work for longer and longer hours. There was no reason to go home. He ordered take-out for dinner every night.

Being Jeon Jungkook’s girlfriend was supposed to be fun.

And it was fun, at first. At first, he spent all this time with you. At first, he was always with you, by your side. He only streamed a little back then. It was a slow, gradual growth, and, like all parasites, it took over every aspect of your life. From your nights, to your days, to your time – making meals, cleaning up after him, doing all the laundry.

You could tolerate it. He made a lot of money. He was having fun. He was smiling. You would do anything for Jeon Jungkook. He dragged you into his sea and you swam in it happily. Until you realized you were stuck and alone, glass walls all around you, keeping you away from him. Seeing him, and yet not being able to touch him, kept away from his heart.

Caught in an aquarium.

He would give you kisses and tell you he wanted to get married.

He would say he loved you, but it was all a lie.

You weren’t in his Instagram photos. You weren’t part of his Twitter bio anymore. You weren’t listed in his phone with a little purple heart next to your name. Even that, you wouldn’t mind. He told you he didn’t want you to get harassed by trolls. He told you that he wasn’t ashamed of you, that you were the most beautiful woman in the world.

But.

Then again.

He told every girl in his DMs that.

You stared at them that faithful night, unable to sleep, reading them all. Jungkook was asleep beside you, snoring away, and you read every single one. The WhatsApp messages were worse. They were so much worse. More sexual, detailing what he wanted to do to other people. Not you. Not you, the love of his life. Not you, the one by his side.

You knew how to backtrack and retrace your steps. Make it seem like you were never there. Placed his phone on his side of the bed and went to sleep. He held you that night. Turned around in his sleep and wrapped his arms around you.

Inside, you drowned.

When he told you that he was going to a gaming convention, he was very excited. Grinning his beautiful grin, snacking on shrimp chips as you washed the dishes. It was only the weekend, only two days. He wasn’t going to go for the Friday or Monday, so he could spend time with you.

“I would totally invite you, but you said you have to work that weekend.”

You said apologetically. “I know. I’m sorry. But I have to be there for my co-workers.”

He frowned and nudged you. “You work too much. You know you don’t have to. We can just live off my streaming money. I can buy you nice things.”

“I would feel bad for leaving them. I’ve worked at that office for seven years.”

He smirked, elbowing you a little. “Cheating on me with all the cute guys?”

You carefully wiped down the glass, placing it back in the cabinet, smile plastered to your face.

“No guy is cuter than you, Jungkook.”

That was the weekend you left.

You went to work, confirmed your month-long vacation of all the hours you’ve collected over the years, and packed every belonging you owned in that apartment. To be honest, there wasn’t very much. Anything Jungkook had ever bought you, you left behind.

There was no reason to hold onto it.

For a long moment, you stared at the photos, the stack of photos of you and him. Your smile, his smile, the places you’ve been, the things you’ve seen with him. Then you placed them on the bed, scattering them, spreading them all over the blankets.

You left it like that.

-

You went to the ocean.

You dropped the boxes at a storage unit in the city. Took only a carry-on bag of clothes and took a train to the coast. You left your phone in the storage unit too, telling your parents you were going on vacation to the sea. Didn’t say where, only mentioned you wanted to unplug, unwind, disconnect.

Disconnect.

The cottage you rented was cared for by a nice young man with dark brown hair and tan skin. He said it was his parents’ and that he was renting it out for them. If you needed anything, you could contact him and he wouldn’t hesitate to help. He had a bright, boxy smile and a cheerful tone. You thanked him for being so considerate.

You sat on the edge of the cliff, legs dangling over the side.

Your pink flats were right beside you, and your arms were resting on the wooden fence. The ocean breeze was strong here, salty and cold. You were in a long-sleeved white dress that was going to get dirt and grass stains on it, but that sort of thing didn’t matter now.

Clothes could be replaced.

The garden rock in your hand spun round and round, dancing between your deft fingers. Your left hand. The hand that held his when you two walked side by side, fitting in his right covered in small tattoos. He had a king’s crown tattoo on his ring finger and asked you if you would get a queen’s crown tattoo someday. It didn’t have to be on your hand. Anywhere was fine. 

You looked at your left hand then, the hand that was holding his, and then it didn’t.

And then it didn’t.

You stared down into the crashing waves and jagged rocks under you. It was cold here. How far down was that? White forth slammed against eroding stone. Even mountains weren’t forever. Even something as solid as rock could be ground down into nothing with water.

Your eyes shifted to the shimmering sea, the endless blue, sun reflecting harshly off it. It didn’t matter how beautiful the water was or how many extraordinary creatures were under the surface. The deep sea hid all the worst creatures, all the terrible monsters. Not even science could go that far and discover all those horrors.

You pulled your arm back and threw the rock as far as you could. You couldn’t even see where it landed. The seawater was too rough and wild.

“Why would you throw my garden stone into the ocean?”

You started, turning around sharply to the heavy, baritone voice of your landlord. He was wearing a white sunhat, a beige shirt and pants, clutching a pair of dirty and worn brown gardening gloves. He frowned at you, staring into the ocean.

“What did my rock ever do to you?”

You looked back to the choppy waves and then faced him again, ashamed.

“Well, come. You will have to help with the garden to repay for that. I’m harvesting winter squash.”

-

“You can cook.”

You nodded to Kim Taehyung, the young man who was caring for the sea cottage. He was tasting some of your winter squash and fresh bamboo combination after he asked if you could do something with the two. You had added garlic, ginger, and made a light white sauce as you sautéed it all together.

“I got this bamboo from a friend who lives in the mountains. I can’t cook very well though. Can you?”

You two ate in steady silence, listening to the sounds of nature and waves crashing into shore. He had made rice while you cooked the vegetables.

“The only thing I can make, really,” he had chuckled.

You chewed, listening to Taehyung mix the leftover sauce with the rice and slurp it up.

“The world is quiet here,” you said softly.

He nodded; mouth full. His brown eyes shifted to the overhanging cliff as he swallowed.

“It is.”

-

You tended the garden with him.

You hadn’t even realized all the greenery around the cottage was a giant garden. To you, they were just pretty plants. Taehyung taught you all about the plants, which ones he was growing, which ones the season was already over, which ones he was trying to grow next season. Some were flower bushes he was trying to learn, but you learned that they were finnicky and not as hardy as the vegetables.

“I don’t even like vegetables that much,” he laughed, rich, full, heedless. “But they’re easy to care for, so they make me the happiest.”

He had tried fruits, but the wild animals always got to them despite his best efforts.

“I must share with nature, I suppose.”

Sometimes, you missed the internet. You missed the distractions, the games you played, the ability to like random thoughts on someone’s Twitter. In those times, you would stare at the never-ending blue ocean and then Taehyung would tap you with the rake and tell you that you needed to help him loosen the soil.

“We need all of nature’s nutrients.”

-

You stared out to the blue ocean, wearing a large straw hat and a navy dress. You weren’t at the cliff this time, but farther back. The breeze was softer at this moment. Taehyung had given you the hat a while ago, telling you it was better than the white scarf you wore around your hair. It did provide better sun protection for your face.

The cobalt sea was violent today, sky grey and dark. Taehyung told you it might rain, so the garden could be skipped today.

You held your hat and looked up.

“Me too, sky. Me too,” you murmured quietly.

You wondered when the feeling would disappear. It would probably be gradual, silently vanishing as each day was replaced, memories fading into the vast abyss of thoughts, mixing with fantasy so that you wouldn’t be able to know the difference between what was real and what was fake. That’s why eyewitness accounts were never trustworthy.

That’s how all memories were.

You let go of your hat for only a second. It flew off your head and you spun around, surprised at the strong ocean breeze.

Taehyung caught it with one hand, standing a few meters behind you.

Your lips parted at how easily he was able to catch it. He was wearing a yellow raincoat and brown pants with his usual brown gardening boots. He smiled, walking up to you and putting the straw hat back on your head.

“I warned you that you might lose it if you stand too close to the ocean.”

You hand came up and brushed against his fingers as he retreated his. He looked away quickly, into the stormy blue sea threatened by grey clouds.

“What have you lost to be looking so sad?” Taehyung asked gently.

You followed his gaze.

“Memories.” The water churned, smacking against the cliffside. “A whole book of them.”

“What do you mean?”

You turned back to Taehyung, who was now watching you curiously. You held onto your straw hat, not wanting it to blow away again.

“I left all the photos, so I wouldn’t have to see them again.” You sighed. “Pictures of moments, years etched out visually. I was going to make a memories photo book when we got married.”

You looked back to the ocean, seeing the sky darken ever more.

“And now we won’t.”

There was a loud clap of thunder. Your eyes searched for the lightning.

And then your name, shouted across the grass, harsh and angry like the thunder.

At first, you didn’t hear it. You were distracted by the sky, waiting for the rain. But Taehyung snapped his head around, startled. You noticed his movement and turned around too. A figure in black jumped over the fence, yelling your name on the top of his lungs.

The glass walls came up inside you, trying to protect you from the stumbling, turbulent sea that was Jeon Jungkook.

Taehyung frowned. “Who the fuck is that?”

“Who the fuck are you?” Jungkook spat, glaring at him and his yellow raincoat. He called you again, sharply, stomping over. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? When I came home from the convention and you were just gone? No note, nothing, only to find you running off with some random guy!”

The thunder sounded again, but there was no lightning yet.

“I called everyone! Your work, your friends, your family, your phone! You wouldn’t even answer your fucking phone. I had to find out from your work that you were on vacation,” Jungkook hissed, glaring at you. “Vacation from our relationship that is, fucking cheating on me.”

Taehyung glared back. “Dude, it’s not like that at all. I’m just the landlord of the cottage she rented–”

“Shut up. I’m not talking to you.”

You stared at Jungkook, his dark brows and wild black hair, so angry at you that he was cursing. The irony was not lost on you. You held onto the straw hat.

“Is that all it was?” you said quietly. “You were upset that I would find affection in someone else?”

“Of course, I was! You’re the love of my life!”

You smiled gently. “Is that what you tell them all?” Your navy dress fluttered in the harsh ocean breeze.

Jungkook scowled. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

You looked down to your pink flats, dirty and grass-stained now from running around the cottage garden. Taehyung had teased you, telling you they weren’t good gardening shoes, but you hadn’t brought any other shoes with you. Everything else Jungkook had bought you, with his money.

“Even now, you pretend, Jungkook.” Your hair tangled in the wind, salty and tousled from the sea. You looked back up at him and his expression was changing now. “I remember asking you once, should you comment like that on other people’s Instagram posts?” The thunder was louder now, sky ripping apart with flashing light. “You said, everyone is like that. It’s part of the business.” The color was draining out of Jungkook’s face. “Were the DMs only for show too? What about the WhatsApp messages? The things you wanted to do to them? The ones you wanted to shove your dick into?”

“That’s fucked up,” Taehyung muttered next to you.

“That… That wasn’t…” Jungkook struggled for words. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

You nodded. You felt it first, the fat drop on the hand holding your hat.

“I know you didn’t. Everything was for fun. Everything.”

Smile plastered to your face, because what could you do now?

“Even me. Even I was for fun.”

You inhaled a deep breath. You had cried for many nights when you crawled into that unfamiliar bed upstairs. For hours, long after Taehyung was gone. Drowning in your own endless sea, filling your glass aquarium. Cried yourself out, and now you let the sea cry for you when you watched it every day, while you worked on the garden with Taehyung.

The rain began to fall.

You looked back to Jungkook, torn, guilty, exposed.

“You should come in and wait for the rain to subside before going home. Your viewers will miss you.”

Taehyung pulled his hood over his head. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked you, voice sharp. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

The way he said it implied in more ways than just physical pain. But it was a little late for that.

“I think I will be okay, Taehyung,” you said, water seeping through your hat, rain drenching your dress., turning you into a soaked doll. “Nature has taught me to keep growing.”

He bit his lip, still frowning, but bowed. “Alright.”

And then you watched him go, back to his car, hurrying along. You went in the opposite direction, to the cottage. You had one more week in your hideaway. Rainwater seeped into your flats as you stepped into the grass, soaking your feet. But somehow, it was nice. It was nice to feel the sky cry on you, because then you didn’t have to. You made your way to the covered porch, wringing out your dress the best you could. Took off your hat, opened the door.

Heard heavy black boots in your wake.

“You… left all the pictures.”

The choked, sorrowful voice of Jeon Jungkook behind you.

“I did.”

You stepped inside the cottage. Placed your hat on the hook, dripping wet. Stepped out of your drenched pink flats. Didn’t wait for him. Just went upstairs to the bathroom, trailing rainwater, locking the door behind you. You turned on the water, plugging the drain. Ran a bath and sank into your own hot aquarium.

You heard the heavy fall against the door. Your name, softly spoken through the door.

“I’m sorry.”

You sank further into the water.

“No apology will ever fix what you have done to me.”

The water was cloudy and milky with whatever bath salts Taehyung had provided with the other personal goods.

“I can prove it to you.”

You felt the tears come now, the anger, the sadness. You submerged your head underwater, blocking out all the sound, blocking out your own thoughts. Your hair floated around you, washing out the salt of the blue sea. You waited, waited until your lungs screamed, and still you waited until your vision was fading to grey before you resurfaced, taking a shuddering breath, surprisingly calm.

“The trauma has already spread, Jungkook.”

You heard a slight sob at the tone you used to say his name, cold and unfeeling.

“I really didn’t mean it, I swear.”

You took a deep breath and dove into your man-made aquarium once again.

-

part ii

--

masterpost

extended playlist blue & grey by BTS 기억 세탁소 (eraser) by ONEWE 기억 속 한 권의 책 (a book in memory) by ONEWE

[mrjoeiconis-blog]

From the Archives: Interview from Oct 18, 2011 with Reviewing the Drama

Joe Iconis likes to silently hug people.

Besides that, Iconis is a prolific musical theatre writer. His Bloodsong of Lovewill receive an industry-only workshop this fall; he and the family are putting together a spook-tacular Halloween jamboree; and you can rock out 24/7 to the original cast recording of Things to Ruin, Iconis's song cycle which has played several venues throughout New York City. I recently had the pleasure of chatting with the talented artist, and here I'm pleased to bring you part one of the interview. Check back next week for part two. Talk about your song writing process. What generally comes first, a lyric, the music or an idea, or can they not be separated? Moreover, as William Miller asks in Almost Famous, “Do you have to be in love to write a love song? Do you have to be sad to write a sad song?” Finally, do you find joy in writing even when you’re “on deadline”?

I’ve always wanted to be interviewed by William Miller. Great kid. My process changes depending on what I’m writing. Usually, I’ll start with an idea and from that will come some sort of hook. A lot of times there’s music implied. From there, I’ll write on a pad or sit at the piano or pace around my apartment like a lunatic. …Writing for me is usually messy, and huge, and epic. Usually, as the song or the scene gets more and more focused, I’ll get more and more still and planted in one place—which is either at a piano or at a Dunkin Donuts. I like writing in public places; it keeps me stimulated and keeps me from falling asleep at my computer or looking at porn. 

Writing is sometimes joyful for me, but to be honest, rewriting is usually the most fun. Getting stuff down on paper initially can be terribly hard and frustrating. But once I’ve got something to work with, then it’s a party. When I’m writing on a deadline, it’s always a tough experience, but it’s also the best way for me to get myself to generate material. A deadline is a great motivator and/or kick in the pants.

As far as inspiration goes, most of my writing comes out of something [personal] I’m going through but it’s usually not cut and dry. I’ve written so many overtly personal songs, but nine times out of ten they aren’t about the thing they appear to be about. It’s funny: so often after…I’ve done a song that’s clearly about me, people will come up and say that they know the person I was writing about or something. Most of the time they’re totally wrong! But it doesn’t really matter anyway—I know all the answers to my songs, but I’d never be so presumptuous as to tell people how they’re supposed to react to my work or what they’re supposed to take from it.

Do you remember hearing your favorite song (current or all-time) for the first time? What was going on and what was it you responded to? 

My favorite song is “Crying” by Roy Orbison and Joe Melson. The first time I heard it was when my grandfather played me a video of k.d. Lang and Orbison singing it. I loved it and it’s a song that I’ve always associated with my gramps (he died when I was a senior in high school). Aside from the personal ties I have to it, I really think it’s a glorious piece of pop music. I love how it’s so simple and tight, and how it allows the singer to go from this tiny place to this huge, wrought, lovelorn wail.  

http://www.youtube.com/embed/vmisOxCHEiw Discuss the high you get from performing. Do you feel you connect with the audience when you’re playing, or does that only happen for you before and after shows? What’s the energy like, from you perspective, on stage?

Before a show I’m jittery and insane. In spite of that, I love to speak to people and get a sense of the room I’m playing in. I hate being backstage before a show. It makes me feel nervous and disconnected. I’ve got ants in my pants so I’m no good at standing still. I like to know who is in the room, and I like there to be no barrier between the stage and the house. It can’t always happen, but the most magical moments during shows are those moments of connection—either with the people on the stage or people in the audience. I like to look at audience members right in the eyes. 

After the show, I feel a connection too, but a lot of times I’m too exhausted mentally and physically to really have conversations. People come to the bar after shows and want to talk to me about ten million things, and I love that they do, but half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying. What I really want to do is just eat food and silently hug people. But I guess it’s hard to tell strangers that you want to do that to them.

What do you hope to have accomplished, or hope to be productively working toward, seven years from now? 

I’d like to have a commercial production of one of my shows happen in New York at some point soon-ish. If we’re talking about Dreaming Big, that would happen on Broadway. In a perfect world, it would be a show that I believe in, and one that features these amazing artists I’ve been collaborating with for the past couple years. I’d also like to be working on ten other projects. I always wanna be working on the Next thing. 

Is there a creative pinnacle for you? Or a creative nirvana?  Oh, I don’t know. I think if I ever reach it, I won’t know that I did. I hope I don’t. I always wanna feel like I’ll get it right the next time. I just want to keep trying to do the best work I can and if its successful great, and if its not, oh well. 

Will you ever be satisfied with your work, in part or whole? Explain.  It depends. I think because theater is a living, breathing thing, there is a sense that work can always be growing or changing. I’ll occasionally have a moment where a great actor will be performing something I’ve written and I’ll think: “Ooh, ok. That’s as good as I’m ever gonna be. I will never be better than that.” Those moments are nice. They are little pats on the back. But that’s all. I think if I ever feel “satisfied” with my work or myself, I’ll be done.  

For more information about Joe Iconis, visit mrjoeiconis.com. A huge thank you to Joe Iconis for taking the time talk with me. And now, I leave you with a favorite Iconis tune, "Rosalie."

[alyjojo]

The Person On Your Mind in December 😏 2022 - Capricorn

Whole of their energy towards Capricorn: The Tower

Definitely an ex, and they want you bad. You want them too, but in other, more superficial ways. I’m not sure they’re quite on to that. The two of you are clearly broken up, not sure how long it’s been, but they think about you constantly, making it work with you is their main goal. They could have left, moved, literally traveled away from you, they thought it was what they wanted but it turned out to not be that way. They can’t get you off their mind, very nostalgic, very romantic and daydreamy too. This person thinks you’re the one, going by their messages. You’re just in it for a good time. That’s awkward.

Feelings: 2 Cups rev

Clearly broken up or separated, they feel your lack of affection, you pulling away from them, and they don’t want to fight but they do want to talk and know what your truth is, how you’re really feeling. Because they want to heal the connection and fix things with you.

Intentions: 6 Wands

They intend to win you over, and feel both of you could be successful together, overcoming any challenge that’s been thrown your way. Because they see you as THE one. Not sure how you feel about that. They don’t know how they’re going to go about doing this though, they’re really stressed out and in their head about what to say, what to do, how to approach you, what you’ll say back. Especially if they’re the ones that left in the first place.

Actions: Knight of Cups & The Moon

No real action just yet, or if they do something it may just confuse you. They want to take loving action towards you, want to heal the connection and have a new start, that’s all here. The Moon messes with the energy though, because there’s a lot of fear and confusion in this person. If they do come towards you it may not be blatant, more of a softer or shy approach. They could also just be delusional about their feelings for you, or keeping them hidden, but still doing something sweet for you. A lot of Pisces energy here. They want to start over, I’m just not sure which backwards crabwalking kinda way they’re going about doing this 😆 Could be Cancer too, with that energy. You’ll have to be pretty self-aware on your own feelings and motives when dealing with this person.

Messages:

Their side:

- Other half

- It’s destiny baby!

Your side:

- I just want ATTENTION.

- XXX

Possible signs:

Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio & Libra

If you’re dealing with:

The Fool shows really exciting and new beginnings kind of energy, though I’m not really seeing that reflected in these other people, more in you. You may not be listening to reason, or feel others aren’t, if it’s exciting and impulsive, you/they are just rushing right into it with no afterthoughts. Could be great, could be tricky, depends on where it applies. Overall it’s a brand new energy, focused on new, which is good. Watch your step.

Aries - healing messages about something that was sad and disappointing, they’re making you feel better about it

Taurus - feels disconnected from you and is holding back from doing anything about it

Gemini - healing from a very painful and difficult situation & is very happy that it’s over with ☀️

Cancer - staying to themselves because of a nasty fight between you, could think you’re kind of an asshole or that’s switched

Leo - missed their opportunity and feels they have no other option than to stay away

Virgo - could be pissed off or acting out because they’re hurt, could have cheated or are hurt by cheating, some outside energy messed this up

Libra - has money but won’t share it with you

Scorpio - independent and happy, stable finances and treating themselves materially, feeling very successful right now 💰

Sagittarius - wants the truth and is done waiting around on you, could be cutting this off

Capricorn - rushing in with communication that heavily burdens you, or talking about their problems

Aquarius - focused on the daily grind, slugging along every day, probably losing their focus and motivation, it’s becoming too much - risk of burn out 🔥

Pisces - acting impulsively regarding an argument, competition, some sort of drama is going down with this one

[cosmicjoke]

Alright, just got through with chapter 57 and 58 of Attack on Titan, and as usual, I have something to say, haha.

I wanted to focus here on a few specific moments that stood out to me.  Other than Levi being a total bad-ass!  

I think what struck me most here was Levi’s reaction to his team getting killed, and the brilliant way Isyama framed that in relation to what the 104th were saying about him just moments before.

I think in a way this sequence highlights one of the most heartbreaking, tragic aspects of Levi’s character, which is that he’s terribly misunderstood by most people, and very few people understand or can relate to the kind of life he’s had.  The sense of alienation and the gap between Levi and the rest of his squad stands out starkly in these two chapters, and I want to go into why.

Near the end of chapter 57, we see the 104th discussing their situation, and talking about Levi.  Jean says that even if Levi orders him to kill, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do it, to which Connie agrees for himself, and accuses Levi of thinking he can make people do whatever he wants by using violence.  Sasha then jumps in, claiming that’s what he was doing with Historia, likely, she thinks, so he can more easily control her when she becomes Queen, and implying that Levi’s humility with the Reeves company was some sort of act.  Mikasa then chimes in that she’s always thought there was something “off” about Levi, but that she thinks their best course is to continue to follow him for now.  There’s real anger, even disgust among all of them towards Levi.

What strikes me about their continued anger toward Levi is that, none of what Levi tried to explain to them after the confrontation with Historia got through to them at all.  They weren’t really listening, and weren’t really hearing him.  They just saw him roughing up a young girl, and that was it.  They didn’t try to understand where he was coming from, or why he might have been so upset in that moment.  Sasha makes the absurd and wholly inaccurate accusation that Levi must be power hungry and that he uses violence to gain power.  Of course, Levi is the character in SnK least interested in any kind of power, or control over other people.  He just wants to rid the world of the terror of Titans, and the oppression their presence forces onto humanity.  He couldn’t care less about power for himself.  He wants HUMANITY to have power.  So Sasha’s accusation here is particularly hurtful, I think.  Thank goodness she didn’t actually say something like that to Levi’s face, who’s sacrificed so much for so many. 

The next panels are particularly heartbreaking, then, coming on the heels of this conversation between the 104th, when we find Levi sitting on the rooftop with Nifa, and he starts talking about Kenny with her.  We know what happens then, with Kenny dropping in from behind them, and shooting poor Nifa in the face, killing her, and nearly killing Levi too.  The two other members of Levi’s team are killed shortly thereafter in similar fashion.  Levi’s reaction to this is just simply heart-wrenching.  The look on his face as he realizes what’s just happened is one of pure horror and anguish.  He looks seriously devastated.  Especially when he ducks away from Kenny’s second attack, and he gets a direct line of sight on Nifa, and sees how her face has been blown clean off.  He has to look away from her, his eyes clamping shut and his teeth gritted in obvious despair and pain, before he’s forced to flee and leave her body behind.  We see so much EMOTION on Levi’s face in these panels, the true depth of the pain he feels whenever any of his comrades are killed.  It affects him to his very core.

These panels of Levi, juxtaposed against the panels of the 104th talking about Levi like he’s some sort of heartless monster, like he’s unfeeling and uncaring and only wants power, are particularly affecting.  Because it exposes the unkind, even almost cruel things the 104th are saying about him as patently false.  They think Levi is cold and uncaring, but we see from his reactions to Nifa and the other two soldiers under his command being killed by Kenny and his crew that he actually cares more than any of them.  Every death hurts Levi more than anyone.

That lack of understanding from his own squad is really painful to see, and really heartbreaking, almost tragic, I think.  That they so entirely misunderstand him.  We see that too with Mikasa still holding so much of a grudge against Levi, barely at times able to contain her disdainful glares towards him, still holding him beating up Eren against him like he did it for nothing more than a good time.  She doesn’t consider or care about the real reason behind it, which was that it was necessary in order to save Eren’s life.  

That leads into my next point I want to discuss, about the disconnect between Levi and his squad, and their inability to understand him.

After being chased and shot at repeatedly by Kenny’s squad, being himself nearly killed more than once, Levi finally makes it back to Armin and the others.  We see panels of all of them watching Levi fighting back against Kenny’s crew, who are all shooting at and trying to kill him, and they all have looks of shock and horror on their faces when Levi kills one of the men by cleaving him nearly in half.  Levi then makes contact with them and informs them that their plans are shot and they have to simply escape.  Levi tries to explain to them the situation, and impress upon them the danger they’re all in, that there are more of Kenny’s squad up ahead waiting to ambush them, and that they might not even make it out of their situation alive.  He tells them that if they have the chance to kill their enemy, then they have to take it.  This leads into the big, dramatic moment with Armin and Jean in the wagon, with Jean hesitating to pull the trigger and nearly getting himself killed because of his hesitation, leading to Armin having to kill the MP for him.  

I think the shock with which the 104th look at Levi when he kills these MPs, and their initial critical judgment towards him for his violence, is really important to note, because it shows that none of them truly have any concept of what it means to fight for your life against other people.  They’ve been in battles with Titans, and watched their fellow soldiers get killed by Titans.  But none of them have ever had to fight against or kill another human being just to survive.  In that way, none of them have any true concept or grasp of the darker side of human nature, or the kind of desperation that comes from a life of extreme deprivation and struggle.  Other than the last five years of their lives, in which their world was turned upside down by the Titan invasion, they’ve all, before then, had relatively comfortable, contented lives, with homes and families, in which they were very much provided for.

Levi, of course, had none of that growing up.  He spent the first 25 years of his life living in total uncertainty and struggle, where there was never enough of anything, where every scrap of food had to be fought for, where there was never enough money, and where you never knew who was going to stab you in the back just to get for themselves what you had.  In a world where he had to fight every day of his life just to survive, and where if he hesitated in any way to defend himself, he would be killed for that hesitation.  A world that truly operated by the rule “kill or be killed”.  

Jean’s hesitation to kill the MP, and the results of that hesitation, throws the disconnect from their experiences in life with Levi’s into stark relief.  They don’t understand that kind of desperate struggle to survive, the way Levi does.  They’ve never had to kill other people in order to keep living, or to keep their friends safe, and so they can’t begin to understand why Levi is the way he is.  Their judgmentalism towards Levi at the end of chapter 57, and their shocked reactions to his killing of the MPs in chapter 58, highlight their own ignorance as to what Levi’s been through in his life in a really powerful, and heartrending way, and it reminds us as readers, too, of the remarkableness of Levi’s own compassion and understanding for everyone else.  Levi’s had a harder life than anyone else in the SC, and yet he’s constantly able to show understanding and compassion towards everyone around him.  The LACK of compassion that the members of his own squad show towards him, then, their lack of understanding or attempts to understand where he’s coming from , is a particularly bitter pill to swallow.  It’s sad.  Of course, through these experiences, I think they come to better understand Levi, and their respect for him continues and grows.  But it felt incredibly jarring and was really painful, to see how before that they were so ready to judge him and make such false and hurtful accusations against him, while Levi had, and continued to show them incredible kindness and consideration.  It shows, in an incredibly moving way, how someone who comes from nothing can often have more compassion and kindness and humanity than those who come from a world of comfort and privilege.  

[medusinestories]

Onwards to the episode in which we get to see Flint and Silver each having a very bad day (as well as two literal dicks that nobody had asked to see).

Black Sails VII (s1 ep07)

- We open on Pastor Lambrick's sweaty face as he intensely rehearses the Easter sermon and he’s obviously eaten up by what he did with Miranda. His sermon, unsurprisingly, focuses on sin, keeping sin hidden, and the hell that awaits the sinner. Which leads us nicely onto Flint, who’s distracted (by his own sin? by thoughts of Miranda? both?) during a meeting with Eleanor. Eleanor is pissed that Miranda let Richard Guthrie send a message to the Andromache and then waltz into town to close up his business; Flint tries to take the heat off Miranda, once again protecting her (at this point, he may not know the contents of the letter).

- During this meeting, Flint is startled when Silver first speaks up to say that the mob in the street was bad - clearly Silver is a sort of intruder in this meeting. But Eleanor, after Silver reminds her by unsubtly clearing his throat, tells Flint that he’s not to harm Silver because he was instrumental in setting up the Consortium. Silver looks so pleased with himself in these scenes, and Flint quite defeated when he tells Silver to follow him back to their camp. I love it.

- To parallel Flint/Miranda’s Sulky Sex scene from ep4, we have Anne/Rackham’s frustrating/disconnected sex scene. It shows us a few things about them mainly that Anne wants to keep a lot of control over what happens, hence Rackham being tied up (though of course this might also be his kink), her wearing a shirt that covers up most of her body, and the reverse cowgirl position that means that she’s both in control of what happens and completely avoids eye contact. The position reminds us of the Flint/Miranda scene, where Miranda was also on top, but their scene involved more eye contact (yes glaring counts, he’s still intensely focused on Miranda), gentle touching (on Miranda’s side) and her being naked and open to him. Another parallel is that both Flint and Rackham aren’t in the right frame of mind for sex, Flint being angry and Rackham lost in a sea of worries (and probably also somewhat angry/disappointed at Anne for forcing him into the plot to kill their crewmates). The difference between Flint and Rackham is that while Flint doesn’t seem to have any trouble performing, Rackham is miles away and doesn’t even notice that he’s lost his erection - again. Anne is frustrated by this, and apparently knows him well enough that she offers to put something up his arse, but he’s clearly not in the mood, and she leaves in a huff, abandoning him all tied up as a sort of revenge for his performance problems. Whatever the problem is between them isn’t put into words (because Anne can’t yet, for starters), unlike the one between Flint and Miranda. The intimacy between Rackham and Anne, so often described as close partners, seems much more distant to me than the one shown between Flint and Miranda. I’m not sure whether it’s because of anyone’s sexual orientation, or just the fact that they’re fucking but they’ve never discussed the big important things, such as Anne’s identity/feelings/etc.

- In this episode, Dufresne gains a lot of power: with a freshly (and badly) shaved head and a new tattoo, he’s been promoted to Quartermaster on the Walrus in Billy’s place. And very quickly he has a problem to deal with: Randall revealing that Silver stole the page. Gates had actually already told this to Dufresne, as is revealed at the end of the episode, which might explain why Dufresne is relatively calm during the whole conversation, while DeGroot wants Silver and Flint hanged and Howell is surprisingly ruthless: he brings up the idea that it may be better to kill off Randall in order to get to the treasure, if they can’t make sure he’ll keep quiet about Silver being the thief. Dufresne is actually quite kind towards Silver in the scene where he puts Silver’s memory to the test - a test that could result in his death if he fails it and that Silver constantly grumbles against (I love his grumbling!). Basically, at this point Dufresne remains quite a sympathetic character, which will change a lot as the show goes on, especially after Jannes Eiselen had to leave the show (such a sad story, RIP Jannes).

- In the meantime, the Flint and Gates relationship is crumbling. It's sad to see, especially since they're shown sharing chuckles as they talk about Dufresne's appointment in the beginning of the episode. But then Gates brings up the subject of Miranda and demands explanations about the letter Billy found. We're not shown exactly what Flint answers, but it's clear that he's actually trying his best to give him an explanation without incriminating Miranda too badly. The sad thing is that Flint is actually telling the truth: he actually wasn't involved in any betrayal of his crew and and can only guess at Miranda's motivations. But the fact that he's lied time and again in previous situations, including on the Maria Aleyne where he claimed Lord Alfred drew a weapon on him (and Gates secretly verified that this was a lie), and used men as pawns to advance his and Miranda's plans, is now catching up to him. Flint seems truly hurt when Gates accuses him of using the men for his own purposes, and turns spiteful, telling Gates that he should have been "a better father" to Billy and helped him "understand the world he was living in" (suggesting that such a forthright character as Billy can't really survive in a world of pirates who are all ready to stab each other in the back). After that slap in the face, Gates says he's exhausted from Flint and threatens to take it to the crew. Somehow, this pushes Flint to bare all: he tells Gates about his plan to keep a part of the treasure and use it to build up Nassau, depicting himself as a sort of saviour, doing it for the men's good: they'd rather be rich men in a safe place than dead thieves hanging from a noose. Gates sees this as delusions of grandeur, and tells him that while he'll see the Urca plot through, after that they're done. I actually think he sees Flint’s point, since he doesn’t just throw him to the crew, but won’t admit that out loud. The whole of this scene hurts bad, because you can tell that Flint is desperate and sad to be losing his closest ally and friend, and that Gates is hurting from the loss of Billy and exhausted from the toxic relationship he has with Flint, where he's played enabler to his manipulations for years.

- While Flint and Gates’ alliance is breaking, Silver has to forge one with Randall or die. Randall finds out in the beginning of the episode that he’s been voted out of the crew. This is apparently due to DeGroot’s fears that Randall could be a fire hazard, which the crew took disproportionately to heart. Randall is furious with Silver, who smugly tells him that in these situations, a setback often comes with a new or unexpected opportunity. He’s right, but at this point he doesn’t know that he is the opportunity Randall’s going to latch on. Randall reveals that Silver is a thief, and Silver denies it, saying that Randall is both a halfwit and was in a haze of opium when he heard what he thought he heard; he even tries to convince Randall that he was mistaken (this, my friends, is gaslighting). However, by revealing that Silver was the thief, Randall sets a chain of events into motion which could either end with his death (if Howell has his way, since Randall is an inconvenient witness) or Silver’s (if DeGroot tips the balance, not trusting Silver to remember the coordinates and not wanting to sacrifice Randall for nothing). Silver figures out that these are the outcomes, and tries to talk sense into Randall by making a deal with him: he’ll care for Randall and make sure he can stay on the ship. But it’s only when Silver finally admits that he is the thief and that Randall was right, that Randall accepts the deal. Later, Silver realises that Randall might have orchestrated the whole thing: he’s now got Silver to serve him, doesn’t have to take any risks on the ship, and gets to remain with the crew. Silver wonders if Randall is a genius rather than a halfwit (a word thrown about a lot to describe him). And it seems quite obvious, considering what happened, that Randall still has strong survival skills (an amputee with impaired cognitive skills doesn’t stand a chance of survival outside a crew and he must be aware of it), that he still has a good memory and an ability to pick out useful information and that he’s aware enough of what’s going on to be upset by the crew’s rejection and Silver’s attempt to gaslight him. I think it’s important to recognise that Randall is more than a comic relief or a grotesque character: he’s a disabled man who's lost parts of his cognitive ability and is struggling to survive.

- This episode focuses on Vane facing his past. He seeks out the island where he grew up and its master, Albinus. I’d forgotten or never really registered that Albinus was a pirate and that the men who work for him were mostly his crew - and likely slaves (or children, hence Vane?) that he managed to capture/press into service. He’s retired from pirating and set up a system where his men cut down trees for timber all day, without wages. It’s not clear exactly how he holds so much power over these men, although it seems that everyone is terrified of him. He’s extremely strong physically, seems shrewd, speaks rather well, and his tattoos suggest that maybe he’s involved in some kind of ritual (truly religious or just for show?) which would make him all the more scary to superstitious people. Vane is clearly still frightened: he barely makes eye contact and practically stutters when he first tries to make the deal with Albinus, which is that he’ll take some of Albinus’ men as crew and send Albinus part of their earnings as tribute. It says a lot about Albinus that Vane, after years of having run away, is still so scares that he’s willing to pay him a tribute. But he changes his mind as he stares at a boy bearing the same brand as he does: he tries to persuade the men that Nassau is a pace of pleasures rather than hard labour, and confronts Albinus. The fight is brutal and ends with Vane buried naked, just after Albinus tells him that he’s proud of him. But of course Vane wouldn’t be Vane if he didn’t rise from the dead at the last minute and kill Albinus, goaded on by his inner Eleanor voice.

- In the meantime, Mr Scott returns to Eleanor, apologising for what he did, telling her he betrayed her out of love. However he also reminds her of his slave status: technically, he belongs to her. The argument upsets her, and he quite cleverly uses this moment to ask her to free the slaves who were on the Andromache. And it works: by the end of the episode, she’s made arrangements for the men to work on ships and has bought the women’s freedom and found them jobs in her tavern. But Mr Scott has still decided to leave Eleanor to join Hornigold’s crew, to refrain from meddling with Eleanor’s affairs, since he disagrees with her so strongly re: the Urca. Hornigold approached him earlier in the episode, and the introduction to that scene is quite interesting: Hornigold says to Mr Scott “I’ll need to know your secret” and Mr Scott looks startled and frightened. It seems that he’s startled because he’d been giving food to the slaves, but in light of S3, it could be a much greater secret that’s being referred to. Mr Scott is relieved when he realises that Hornigold is simply talking about tolerating Eleanor, who he clearly can’t stand.

- Flint’s bad day continues, of course, with the big confrontation he has with Miranda. He’s furious about the letter (of which he now knows the contents thanks to Gates), telling her that it could have got him killed, or destroyed the plans they’d made and asking her whether she was trying to embarrass him. This sounds so weirdly petty, and yet it also sounds exactly like the kind of argument that would come up in a bickering couple. Miranda answers that she was trying to help him out of that life, because she wants to move on. This is where Miranda utters the famous “there is no life here, there is no joy here, there is no love here”. I noticed that, covered by Flint yelling at her, and distorted because her voice has gone very shrill, Miranda says another line, which sounds like “you used to love, then”. If that really is what she says, it’s extra-extra-extra heartbreaking to hear (if someone wants to check it for me, it’s around 35:40). It’s obvious that Flint and Miranda’s views on life are very different, and I can’t help but think back to the fact that, as a carpenter’s son from the country, Flint has had to struggle all his life to become who he is. So when he says that you can’t get a life without having a war, and Miranda tells him he’s wrong, she’s speaking entirely from the point of view of her privilege. She’s never needed to fight as hard as he has to be happy, because she got extremely lucky in marrying Thomas. And when she says that Thomas would agree with her, I’m certain she’s right. But life has never been like that for Flint, and there’s no way he’ll ever entirely agree with their point of view. Rewatching this scene is tough, btw, because they both have great points, they’re both hurting so much, and there’s so much to take in between the body language, the facial expressions, the tones of voice and the actual words that it’s a whole whirlwind. And it feels very, very real.

- It’s absolutely hilarious to see Rackham get robbed by the whores taking advantage of his lack of knowledge (and research). He should absolutely have done a better job and has no clue how to run a brothel. He’s lucky Max takes things in hand after having heard from Idelle that the girls were taking advantage.

- Then we have the beautiful Drunk Flint scene. Eleanor notices him feeling very sorry for himself after Gates has pretty much broken up with him and he’s still reeling from fighting with by Miranda. I think Flint feels very misunderstood here. He thought that he was doing something good, to save Nassau and avenge Thomas, and doesn’t understand why they can’t see it, why they only see the terrible methods he uses to reach his goals. So he’s full of doubt, clearly wondering if he’s the villain of the story, and puts the question to Eleanor: is their plan worth it? Eleanor is the only person who still believes in him, which leads us to the only scene that I would ever call straight-baiting. Flint hovers near Eleanor, breathing heavily, and a variety of emotions play over her face during this moment of tension, as she seems to think this is leading to a kiss. It does, he gives her a chaste little forehead kiss and leaves. All the elements are in place to make your average viewer start shipping these two. I actually find it hilarious that the ship barely exists in the fandom (though I wasn’t there in the beginning of the fandom and I guess the viewership changed a lot between S1 and S4).

- The scene with Flint and Gates glaring at each other from their respective ships and Parson’s Farewell playing in the background... epic! We know this is the beginning of a big struggle between them, especially since we find out that Gates has pretty much decided that he’ll hand Flint over to the crew once they get the money. But nnnnggh that scene! The ships leaving on their hunt! Awesome and heartbreaking!

[ellicler]

re: theeee ofmd kiss. it makes me sad to see ppl (mostly outside of the show’s fandom) genuinely hostile & mocking it

i do think there’s a disconnect between the showmakers’ intention, the end result as it stands, and the reading/expectations of the general (fandom) audience

the audience wants to see something unapologetically loud passionate tender and - EVERYTHING. it’s true that the general tone of the show supports those expectations. i don’t disagree that from a ‘representation’ standpoint it would’ve been better. the showmakers however chose to prioritize character work.

as far as i can make out from the many interviews with the actors & showrunners they were going for a subtle hesitant unsure yet hopeful and sweet vibe and they’re pretty content with what they got on screen.

as many have pointed out, it does make sense for the characters. it’s all about the uncertainty and the miscommunication and the lack of emotional insight. but in general i’m just not a fan of the whole sort of inverted structure of ep9/10. the show suddenly stops articulating its ideas and instead leaves us to come to conclusions on our own (why is stede freaking out? leaving without a word? is that something the narrative has to hold him accountable for? why is ed flipping between ‘resigned’ and ‘manic’ at the drop of a hat? is his vision for their relationship sustainable?) and the way the kiss is shot is a big puzzle piece in all of that mess. i’m inclined to think that’s intentional & hopefully to be resolved in s2. but for a more casual viewer it all doesn’t really come together, especially without a rewatch.

from david jenkins’ interviews i get the idea that on the whole the scene is under-directed. i think it would’ve benefitted from a more firm directing hand instead of being left to the actors’ discretion. i’m sure on the day they’ve been vibing on the next level but it doesn’t entirely LOOK like it does it? these are the two actors who improvised some insanely romantic shit (The Foot Nudge and the restaurant banter) but actors Do Not Know how they’re looking on camera especially for the challenging physical stuff they rarely do. so if it were up to me i would’ve added more physical yearning in body language *around* the kiss. but the directors decided to trust the actors which is understandable in context.

[woeisme-iamwoe]

an absolutely massive Haikyuu!! fic rec pt. 1

I went through my entire ao3 history because I’m insane, AND here’s my favorites. (There’s not a lot of aus because I’m not a huge fan of them, and there’s no sad endings. I’m a hopeless romantic leave me alone. There is angst though! Lots) 

Beginning with SakuAtsu (I’m a hoe for Atsumu): 

Hide and seek, by badreputation (10k. E. canonverse) 

It sure is a good thing Atsumu doesn't have a latex allergy 

It’s just a fleeting infatuation. As long as he pushes through it he’ll manage. So what if nowadays there isn’t a night where he doesn’t dream of Sakusa pinning him down on his own bed, in the shower or make Atsumu go down on his knees in the hallway? Those are just pesky details.

Some Memories, We May Keep, by mika60 (31k. T. canonverse) 

This is canon, fight me on it. 

The missing panels, the missing games, the missing moments.

The them we never saw.

*Now complete! :)*

 every action has an equal and opposite reaction, by akanemnida (10k. T. canonverse) 

Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.

(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)

 Ass-fingering as a prelude to relations of the emotional kind: a case study, by neverwere (2k. E. canonverse) 

Fucking hilarious, the imagery is absolutely hilarious. 

"Marry me, he thinks, as he comes around Sakusa's fingers and all over himself.

This. This is exactly why you don't let strangers or very attractive teammates finger you out of the blue.

Everyone knows that the ass is the shortest way to the heart."

Or

When it comes to sex, Atsumu has rules. Guidelines! SOPs! He swears they work, they've always worked.

Until they don't.

 parallax error: angle of inclination, by min_mintobe (10k. T. canonverse)

But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.

Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.

ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.

Atsumu POV.

 autumn ends, but we remain, by wolfsbvne (5k. T. canonverse)

Author says in their ending notes that they're not an ‘author’, but methinks they should write more and pursue that career path because this was wonderful.  

atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.

(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)

I left a taste in your mouth, by emso (26k. E. bodyguard au)

Because obviously 

Sakusa fixes him with a vague expression of something like distaste. There's a scathing edge to his tone when he speaks. "Contrary to what you seem to believe, not everyone who meets you is instantly dying to get into your pants, Miya."

"Lucky I don't really care right now what 'everyone' wants to do, then." Atsumu swivels his mug around on the tabletop a few times, and then brings it to his mouth to drain the last few dregs of his latte. Over the rim of his mug, he adds casually, "Just you."

Whoa hey Bodyguard Omi, I think Spoiled Rich Kid Tsumu might possibly have a teensy crush on you. 

 How do you know you're in love?, by spiritscript (12k. T. canonverse)

Pure art

“So, how did you know you were in love? How did it feel?” Atsumu felt nervous asking this, a slight wiggling in the pit of his stomach, unable to look at the man beside him who rolled his shoulders in an attempt to reset his posture. “I mean, you didn’t resonate with what I said, so, what is love to you Omi-kun?”

Atsumu thinks he must be in love with Hinata Shouyou and so asks the best person he knows to help him understand his feelings

 san'yo expressway, 6:17 pm, by yamabota (13k. T. canonverse)

Of violent forethoughts, and handheld car vacuums. 

Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.

Kiss him again, maybe.

They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out. 

Different Kinds of Dysfunctional, by DeathBelle (Series, 5 works. T-E. Canonverse)

Honestly, I think this one is kind of famous amongst Sakuatsu readers but I can’t not include it. If I recall correctly, this is the fic that got me into Sakuastu, so thanks, DeathBelle. The characters are portrayed really well (i.e. Sakusa is disgusted and confused, and Atsumu is a little shit). You’ve got a good balance between conversations and descriptive thoughts and all-in-all it’s just a really good read. 

 Atsumu said into the heavy silence, “You can’t say you’ve never thought about it.”

"Thought about what?" said Sakusa.

Atsumu smiled to himself, smug. "You know."

"No, I don't."

"You know. Of course you’ve thought about it. There’s no reason to be ashamed, Omi-kun. I’m a real catch.”

Sakusa was appalled. "You're disgusting."

"You flatter me. I'm not judging you. I can't lie and say I haven't thought about it, too."

Sakusa shifted, slowly, to peer over his shoulder. He wasn’t scowling, but his expression was unreadable. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Atsumu wasn't joking, and he was about to get more than he bargained for.

i'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands), by liliapocalypse (7k words. T. canonverse):

Oh, god. This one was so cute. Super fluffy. Loved the metaphors and symbolism. Sometimes you just can’t say things out loud. 

When a bad injury shocks the whole V. League, Sakusa finds himself paired with Atsumu for more rigorous assisted stretches before every training. Atsumu then finds himself writing random letters on Sakusa’s skin to soothe the spiker, forcing Sakusa to reevaluate how his touch aversion became an irresistible yearning for more, and how the boy with the annoying hair somehow brought that hunger to life.

Or, the fic where Atsumu mindlessly writes a confession on Sakusa’s back when he thought Sakusa wasn't paying attention. Sakusa always did.

 mortality is found is the flesh of your sins, by novrik (10k. M. canonverse)

This is literally my favorite fic of all time. Not just of Sakuatsu, not even of the Haikyuu fandom. Ever. Favorite fic ever. Listen, I’m an atheist, but this fic took me on a religious experience that I haven't come down from yet. The symbolism had me actually shivering, and I had to put my phone down quite a few times. Just, oh wow, just read it. I’d like to share my favorite line; ‘And if Sakusa is Eve, if he takes a bite, what then? Perhaps, he is a little afraid of the knowledge he will gain’. My god, author, if you ever see this, this is not only a plea for you to continue writing, but also an offer of marriage. Your hand, author?

 dickhead one, sakusa kiyoomi. dickhead two, miya atsumu. neither understand how to communicate.

Pray tell, why are you drawn to him?

Are you drawn to him in the way he looks beautiful even when crying?

When his eyes are red, shiny tears streaking down, lips quivering, is he beautiful?

 sakuatsu domesticity simulator, by pseudoanalytics (75 words. T. canonverse)

75 words because it's actually a digital art simulator. An interactive fic! How frickin’ cool is that? The art is so beautiful and I love the plotline and ugh, just everything. Please read, or watch, or click around, yes. Good. 

Update: artist created another interactive fic and of course it is wonderful. SunaOsa this time! https://newttxt.itch.io/cheesecake honestly just check out @newttxt their work is amazing and I love everything they do. 

a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy

***

(this is the result of letting the sakuatsu brainworms really get to you...)

 Pas De Deux, by hatsuna (19k words. T. Ballet/college au)

There's just something about prim, proper ballet Sakusa and human-benign-tumor Atsumu that makes my heart burst. Seriously gorgeous writing style, loved every second. By the same author who wrote ‘liminal spaces’ (which is also just perfect) so that should give you a good idea of the style. 

The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes. The twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?”

 Ah. So it’s volleyball.

“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”

 the affective presence of our black and white reruns, by kozumess (19k. E. canonverse)

Beautiful, classic misunderstandings, my heart actually physically ached at that one scene (you’ll know the scene when you come to it). Kiyoomi is so refreshingly relaxed(? Is that the right word to use? We all know Omi never truly relaxes). 

but the want, it's always there, constant like the static playing on every television channel, present even when the station disconnects.

 cut the conversation, just open your mouth, by meeksoo (E. 16k. canonverse)

Absolutely filthy...BUT WITH FEELINGS! Completely nails the Sakuatsu dynamic, and protective ‘Tsumu? Love it. 

Sakusa opens the door. He always does.

 They’re teammates first, barely even friends. But they hook up on the regular and it works. It’s simple, easy. But then a fan gets too close, Sakusa reacts, and Atsumu is swept up in how quickly things can get complicated.

__

As Atsumu palms himself over his briefs, still feeling off, he realizes it’s because he still wants it. Him. Sakusa. Even after already having him earlier.

He should probably feel self-conscious, mildly ashamed even, that he’s panting ‘Omi Omi’ into the dark beneath the steady thrum of the AC unit when Sakusa’s right down the hall, probably good for it if Atsumu ended up back at his door. Instead, he lays there, writhing and sweaty, alone in his hotel room bed thinking about Sakusa and touching himself.

Afterward, as cum begins to cool on his chest, Atsumu really can’t help but face the fact that things may be getting complicated.

 the hands that beckon me to come, by Ellieb3an (4k. E. canonverse)

So hot, what the fuck! 

The toss, the run, the spike-serve at the end of it all—Sakusa sees it happen in perfect clarity as if time has slowed and his vision narrows to the center where just Miya exists, all powerful muscle and extraordinary skill and that air of confidence.

Sakusa isn’t one of the best receivers in the league for no reason, so his body moves on muscle memory, forearms absorbing the sting of the hit. It’s not enough. But his eyes are still on Miya—on the way his shorts ride up his muscular thighs as he lands, on the bead of sweat dripping down his forehead, on the clench of his fist thrust into the air—when the ball ricochets out of bounds.

***

Atsumu stays late at practices to work on his new third serve, even when his frustration with it starts throwing off the rest of his game. Sakusa notices and starts hanging back to secretly watch him from the gym doors. He’s fascinated with Atsumu's determination... and more than a little turned on by it, too.

 you're the flame i use (when it gets dark), by starkartifices (55k. M. canonverse. Ongoing)

Everything is the same except the Sakusas are super rich. 

“Oh, if you want dear, you could bring a plus one. Though, I doubt you have a partner yet.”

“I do actually.”

“What was that, dear?”

"I do have a partner, I mean."

alt title: crazy rich sakusas 

 the inherent romance of classical conditioning (or; the fine art of emotional recognition), by pseudoanalytics (13k. E. canonverse)

Ah, yes. A Pavloved sex life. A Pavloved LOVE life?? 

It's stupid. Atsumu isn't a romantic, no matter how many times he's imagined laying Sakusa out and finally really touching him.

So there's no explanation for why Atsumu is constantly stuck thinking about brushing his fingertips against the meat of Sakusa's palms or the prominent tendons in his freaky wrists.

There's no explanation for why doing dishes sets off a warm burn in his ribcage, or why when he smells disinfectant he inhales like he's walking past a bakery.

Yer doin' this to me, he thinks furiously, as Sakusa derails his thoughts with kisses that come more and more frequently now. Yer conditionin' me, and I can't stop it.

 flutterbird (a collection of sakuatsu oneshots), by wordstruck (5 works. T-E. canonverse)

Works 1-3, I think follow a linear story, whereas the last two don't. 

All sakuatsu works are just the angstiest, most miscommunication filled pieces of absolute gold and this one is no exception. Wow. These men are assholes and they bring out the worst in each other, but I’ll be damned if they’re not soulmates. 

Collection of SakuAtsu fics. Several fics are loosely set in the same storyverse. Not necessarily directly connected and can all be read as standalones.