#which makes me so happy because power rangers was my first huge obsession as a kid

[butters-flower-mom]

hi!!! does pepper have any favorite shows?

Her most favorite shows are My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the original Powerpuff Girls, Lilo & Stitch: The Series, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, and Hello Kitty's Super Cute Adventures if you count web shows.

[skamamoroma]

I am attempting to put my finger on why ATOTS is grabbing people’s hearts like it is and why it’s so charming to use the word you used because same! Lol. What are your thoughts? [PS: I watched Skam Italia along with you And watched ITSAY on your rec and you’ve never let me down!]

Ahhh dude, that made me smile so much. Yey for you still being here ❤️

In answer to your question, I think it’s a lot of things. For me, I watched an interview with the director P’Oaf and I was really heartened that because he’s a gay man himself and felt a disconnect with the idea of creating LGBT+ content under a title other than LGBT+ content that he wanted to create a more adult love story that was for the LGBT+ community and didn’t cater for anything other than that. It was a really lovely interview and I think the finished product shows. The sexuality of Phupha or Tian is really not a thing, it’s not made a big deal of and their story isn’t centred around it at all. They’re just in love. End of. If you know me, you know I am wary of watching shows with LGBT+ themes unless I know they are handled respectfully and made for the right reasons so this is a huge one for me.

Another reason, for me, is the fact that we’re all so disconnected and lacking warmth and closeness and emotional connection because of this shit show of a year and a bit. The show is so kind and gentle and warm and lovely. The music even makes me feel cheered up. It’s full of the things we’re missing and the messages of self discovery, emotional development, community, love, friendship and connection... not to mention meaning in life are just so welcome right now.

The chemistry. This is a huge one for me. It’s not just between Phupha and Tian but the cast as a whole. Tian and the kids, Phu and the other rangers, Phu and Nam, Nam and Tian, Tian and Tul, Torfun and Phu etc. Every dynamic is so full of warmth and playfulness and this lovely sense of familiarity. But the biggie is always going to be between the love interests and JESUS their chemistry is a major selling point. I know Mix and Earth have known one another for many years and are v close friends (which shows) but that doesn’t always = good romantic chemistry. But these two have something that’s often very difficult to achieve and to think this is Mix’s first acting gig is genuinely ridiculous. It’s difficult for any romantic pairing to be SO COMPELLING at Episode 6 with barely touching. If you think about it, they’ve barely touched at all. Their chemistry is in their eyes, their words (“I just want to talk to you” being the most god damn beautiful), their actions, their dynamic, the way they challenge one another, the things they do when the other isn’t around and the way they improve the other. It means that when they DO share moments, the foundation in how you consider their feelings is so strong that the smallest thing is hugely meaningful and emotional. It’s very very well done and often hugely lacking in most dramas and love stories. Most love stories jump from 0-50 relatively quickly or the build up isn’t given time and space. The amount of time given to Tian and Phupha’s connection and gradual development is a huge part of why I think the show works so well. There are NO distractions other than the drama of their existence which all plays into their love story too. The entire show is focused on just these two with the other characters around them still forwarding both of their stories. It’s so refreshing. The fact their chemistry is electric and genuinely sometimes a little overwhelming means that they don’t even need to try too hard and include too much to achieve what they intend but they still do and you feel treated to such a genuine and carefully handled love story. Who doesn’t love that?!

Plus you have the stuff that isn’t directly related to the love story (but still all connects) like the tea seller arc, the truth about Tian’s heart and Torfun’s death and the knowledge that something about his dad will come out later on. All of it is compelling and all of it impacts the love story too... it gives a sense of there being stakes and challenge to overcome but the show is kind so I don’t feel too concerned about a happy ending. I’m so sure it’ll be wrapped up beautifully.

Also, the dynamic between Phupha and Tian is not necessarily new aka they have this push and pull relationship. Phu is technically an authority figure tasked with protection of the village, which includes Tian. But I like that there’s a real passing of the power dynamic between them. They tend to be my FAVOURITE types of relationship. I love characters who challenge each other and there have been real moments of strength and authority by Phupha but also such softness and vulnerability (so much actually) that I smile whenever people say he’s stern because DUDE IS A SOFTIE (and Tian knows it). It’s the same with Tian. He is adorable and endearing but also kinda bratty at times and really doesn’t let Phupha get away with anything. He’s a little more emotionally mature than the Chief in some ways but he still learns a lot from him. He also delights in knocking Phupha off kilter at times in the way he’ll push and push and test him... and insist on sharing or equality in their dynamic. It’s really really lovely. Also, they just like to tease the other ALL OF THE TIME and both of them just enjoy it too much... and then you’re like HOW ARE YOU BOTH SO STUPIDLY SHY TOO?!

But Tian alone is a really really loveable character and seeing as he’s the main, you root for him despite all of his misgivings and his past. You love him and cheer him on. Those moments the show beautifully includes where his old life is contrasted with his new and he recognises it himself are just so moving.

Then you have the setting and the scenery. The show was created in one constant struggle 😂 seeing the BTS is mental. They really really were against it and yet the finished product is so lovely. Some of the shots are just so ridiculously beautiful... some of the moments framed by the mountains or the trees or the way the sun shines, it’s just gorgeous.

And the music. Is it just me or does the score keep getting more beautiful? Some of the swelling music moments make me cry because of the music. I’m a HUGE fan and focused on music in movies and TV and I’ve been obsessed with scores since I was a teenager (it’s why I lost my shit at ITSAY last year). The title song is so beautiful and sweet that I remember when I first watched the trailer all those weeks back, it made me instantly feel something for the show.

All in all, it’s a real gift of a show. It’s just lovely. It’s very very very sweet and just such a comforting thing to watch. I genuinely have been cheered up by it for the past few weeks and I hear the theme song and see the adorable credit sequence and I’m smiling so easily. So I guess there are lots of reasons why it has resonated for people but I’m just glad it’s a show that exists. It’s just sweet and we need more of that!

[neriad13]

Favorite Media of 2020!

There was a large swathe of this year during which I was unable to concentrate on reading (as there probably was for a lot of other typically-frequent readers), so, as a result, I ended up listening to way more podcasts and watching way more TV shows. Not a bad thing, but boy did I read way less books than usual. 

However, for the first time in a while, the amount of fiction I read was about equal with the amount of nonfiction I read. Last year’s reading resolution was to read more fiction, so...success??

I did read a lot of phenomenal fiction when I had the energy to do so this year.

Books - Fiction

The Martian - Andy Weir

This book is the hardest of the hard sci fi I think I’ve ever read. Every single aspect of it is minutely researched and calculated. The author literally wrote equations to write this book. The science is insanely impressive and yet...it never loses its sense of humor or humanity in the mix. In fact, they’re the thing that drives the entire story.

Warlock Holmes - G. S. Denning

Way early in the year I was strolling down the fantasy aisle at the library, when this cover caught my eye. I took one look at it, went “oh, this looks silly” and...proceeded to devour the entire series in a matter of weeks. 

It is very silly. Especially when it’s pointing out something that was silly in the original. There’s something so satisfying about Watson immediately answering Holmes with the correct number of steps in their flat when he’s trying to make his point about how most people don’t pay attention to things like that.

World War Z - Max Brooks

Every single scenario in here could easily support an entire book. A park ranger whose job it is to contain the yearly zombie spring thaw? HECK YES. I’d read tens of thousands of words about that. A Chinese admiral who defaults, steals the government’s premier submarine, loads it up with the families of his underlings and takes to the sea for years to live in the maritime economy that has sprung up in a world where everyone is trying to escape the shore? That could be an entire movie on its own. 

Every chapter was more creative than the last and as a huge worldbuilding fan, this book was so, so fun.

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon

In which a queer, neurodivergent protagonist solves a mystery on a spaceship which is a microcosm of antebellum era politics! This had a beautiful, mysterious, wonder-inducing writing style and it was a joy to peer into the wildly differing minds of every single character.

Books - Nonfiction

Underland - Robert MacFarlane

In every chapter, the author visits a different hole. Basically.

It’s an exploration of caves, catacombs, mines, nuclear waste facilities and the hidden underbelly of every forest. It was fascinating. And fundamentally changed how I look at time.

Rejected Princesses - Jason Porath

After years of having enjoyed the web entries, I finally got my hands on the first book and was not disappointed. 

There are the more entertaining entries, of course and the art is as charming as always, but what struck me the most were the more difficult stories. The deeper you go into this book, the more horrific it gets. The author does not hold back on the indignities suffered by the historical figures he writes about. It’s terrible...but also very, very illuminating.

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

This book - while maintaining all the essential information in it - could be pared down to one sentence in a sea of blank pages and that sentence would be: trust your instincts. End of story.

But in a world where instincts are either customarily suppressed or going haywire, it’s not quite that easy, which is why I’m glad there is more to the book.

I picked it up thinking “ha ha, betcha can’t help a person with anxiety who fears all the time already” and...what it actually ended up doing was giving me the tools to differentiate between real fear and unfounded fear. And did help with the anxiety quite a bit.

Fanfiction

Watch Over Me - cakeisatruth

A Bioshock fic from the point of view of a little sister who is learning how to trust and be an ordinary child again. Dark and sweet. An excellent combo.

All That is Visible - Ultima_Thule

An exploration of a minor character in a well researched historical context? That’s my jam! How did they know?? A Tron fic about what it’s like to be a female programmer in the 70s.

Graphic Novels

The Adventure Zone - McElroys + Carey Pietsch

Yesssssssss! It was a running-to-the-library type event whenever my library got a new volume in. The jokes are so good, the art is so lively and the ways in which they added the details that the podcast couldn’t necessarily get across is *mwah*

Trail of Blood - Shuuzou Oshimi

Hoooooooly shit, the art style of this one!! It’s beautifully detailed and expressive, sure, but the real draw for me was how it changes with the emotional state of the main character. There’s this sequence in which he’s consumed with anxiety at school and all of his classmates become blurry and unfocused, until they can’t be recognized as humans at all, that particularly sticks with me.

It’s a horror story about a kid who witnesses his loving mother push his cousin off a cliff for seemingly no reason and is then obligated by her to keep the secret, which is eating him from the inside out. It’s so good, guys, please read it.

Level Up - Gene Lien Yang/Thien Pham

A story about a kid who is haunted by his late father’s desire for him to become a gastroenterologist. It’s funny and touching and the ending gave me what I can only describe as a feeling of exhilaration. Y’know that feeling when something unexpected but not out of left field, perfectly in tune with the narrative arc and gut bustingly funny happens, all in the same panel? That one.

Film

Searching

This is a fairly standard thriller about a dad trying to find out what happened to his missing daughter. It’s also found footage...but not in the usual way, which was what made it so compelling to me. It’s told through the dad’s phone calls, google searches, social media interactions, news footage, security cameras and webcams. It was such a cool way to tell a story.

Train to Busan

There’s a lot that’s already been said about this movie and I don’t think there’s much more I can meaningfully add to that. Suffice to say that ya gotta take care of each other if you’re going to survive a zombie apocalypse!!

TV Series

My Brother’s Husband

As close to a perfect adaptation as a person can get (barring the entire conversation in English which was...oof). I was so happy when they took it a step further and showed Kana and Yaichi actually getting to meet Mike’s family.

Zumbo’s Just Desserts

I watched a lot of baking shows this year. Like...a lot. They were my much-needed comfort viewing for the year and this one was my favorite, even over The Great British Baking Show (which I LOVE). Why? Because the pastry chef for whom it’s named makes such bizarre and wonderful desserts and fosters an environment in which the competitors do the same. I’ve never seen anything like a lot of the desserts that make an appearance on this show. Every single episode was an awesome surprise and so help me, this show had better get a third season.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s also a lot that’s been said about this one, so I won’t say much more. Suffice to say: DAMN. That’s how you do an 80s toy tie-in cartoon remake.

Infinity Train

This show’s premise is probably the most unique I’ve seen in recent years. Its balance of comedy, horror and existential dread is also *mwah* I also love how much it trusts the viewer to figure things out on their own.

Primal

A late entry sliding in before the year ends! I finally got to watch the second half of the first season last weekend and it was EXCELLENT. The pacing, the brutal fight scenes, the adorable dinosaur antics, the animation, the quiet moments - *mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah*

The most emotional moment for me was the part in which the protagonists watch, with sorrow, as the rabid dinosaur who’s been trying to kill them all night dies an excruciating death.

Also it sets up a fascinating new plotline right before ending in a cliffhanger!! Another one for the ‘had better get a next season’ list.

Games

Night in the Woods

This is one that’s been on my to play list for a few years and I was so glad I finally got my hands on it. It’s like...The Millennial Experience (TM), the game. I felt so seen, playing it. The character writing was fantastic.

Prey

I don’t know why I put off finishing this for so long. I guess I wasn’t in the right alien killing headspace for a while?? Anyway, the setting is gorgeous, the alien biology is weird and cool, the ethics are delightfully murky and the interconnectedness of the station was really cool, especially in the OH SHIT moments at the end. 

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

I tried to narrow this down to one favorite arc, but found that I couldn’t do it. I love Balance for its comedy and creative energy. I love Amnesty for its drama and acting. I am loving Graduation for the depth of its world and the way in which the real story behind everything that’s happened is slowly unfurling. It’s a good podcast all around.  

The Magnus Archives

Who obsessively listened to every single season while playing Minecraft in about a month? Surely not me, nooooo. Of course not.

There’s also been a lot said on this one, so I’ll keep it brief. I’ve seen things in here that I haven’t really seen elsewhere in horror. My particular favorites were the creepy psychiatric hospital in which the horror comes not from the patients, but from the denial of the doctor to believe them about their mental illnesses and every single thing related to the Anthropocene. The one with the Amazonian village made out of trash - CHILLS.

[eatyourfruitkids]

and i thought, oh shit, what about my hot female body?

my female ego was toxic. it wasn’t her fault, she thought her presence in my brain was necessary. my family never quit gave off the vibes that the one daughter, the one sister, was ever allowed to deviate from such a norm. though i love and loved him dearly, my twin brother’s role in my view of gender was one of contrast. from the youngest age, as in, when we were born, connor got the blue teddy bear, s***** got the pink one. later, when our mom dressed us, connor wore the hats and s***** wore the bows. connor got the bionacles for christmas, s***** got the zuzu pets. that was just the way it worked. i was a girl and he was a boy, after all.

it’s not like i ever really minded. i’ve always loved animals, hoarding their stuffed counterparts felt natural. my brother and i would play together, littlest petshop pets living in lego spaceships. our genders were defined, but we never let that separate us. i never let that grave burden, being a girl, bar me from playing with power rangers, even if i was immediately cast as the pink one.

in middleschool, something changed. i became hyperaware of my gender, though i never once questioned it. while i had always been a girl by default, now i was beginning to feel the social anxieties of a young, adolescent Girl. i stuggled greatly for an identity, finding one for a short while in anime fandoms and watching gaming letsplays (i never played; girls were bad at video games, as according to my three brothers. i just had shitty hand eye coordination, fuck me) and later in an obsession with emo bands and new cartoon network cartoons and being pansexual or a lesbian. my fashion sense was terrible until i saw cute girls on instagram wearing “aesthetic-y” clothes in seventh grade and decided to emulate them. this was just one of many instances of me confusing my attraction towards females as desire to be like them.

with today’s insight, i can say with confidence that i would far rather put my head in a nice pair of tiddies than own that nice pair of tiddies.

i came to realize that my female ego was a problem close to the time where i realized that smoking weed was the best shit ever. here, i’ll take a break to rip bong and reminisce on this night, the night of the smoke off. im kinda high rn lol but its okay i turned adult recently lol. anyways *bong rip*

ok anyways sry

i didnt realize being a girl was a problem for me when i first started smoking weed. in hindsight, i now know that smoking everyday longterm while mistakenly identifying as female highlighted some less-than-savory areas of my psyche. 

my dysphoria makes me think that people are simping for me, sometimes when they’re not. although i am a sad, emo, five-foot-seven twitter meme cat boy of a trans “man,” i’m a cute nerdy stoner girl with winged eyeliner n a sexy female body, relatable-if-severe social anxiety and a porn addiction i’m, unfortuately, not always too shy to talk about.

long story short, something i now know to be dysphoria pushed me to start Smoking Weed With The Boys frequently, and something called dysphoria-plus-my-female-ego created this weird, unhealthy narrative that my friends only all liked me bc i was Hot Sessy Girl and they were only friends with me to hold out past my sweet, sunshiney (beta?) bf. this narrative fucked with me (probably because it wasnt true and created by the same part of my anxious brain that would repress my fucking transness, also because i love and care for my bf and felt terrible “letting this continue”) and yet, i continued hanging out with The Boys (besides when sometimes id flake on everyone for periods of time bc i felt Too Bad for bf lol) not even for attention-- although sometimes id get it, word-- even if it was magnified through the lens of my dysphoria, but because i had this deep urge to fit in with them. 

besides having a legit problem with the way i use weed and being high literally all the time, i wasn’t a huge “stoner” by my town’s standards. 

so, without getting into the elaborate details of my life and my twin’s cool fucking weed basement and my real life picture of marilyn monroe’s tiddies, The Boys had a smoke of at my house. i realized i wasn’t that much of a stoner when i got too high (something that deadass never fucking happens) and violently shook for like thirty minutes until my friends sent me upstairs for ice, i put on a hoodie, looked in the mirror and realized id prefer life as a boy.

it could’ve been because my toxic, ill-built stoner female woker-than-u ego had finally been popped, kinda like a bubble, or it could be because i was wearing a crop top and had gone silent because i was fixated on how i wished boys wore crop tops, and the hoodie had alliviated that. 

now i only think one friend simps for me, but hes such a nice dude that i could never say anything, fuck. hes such a homie tho if i were ever single id take his v card as a favor lmao

i figured out what i wanted to be called that night, 

stu. idk if its short for stuart, which is gross but fuck it, or if i want to be a stew/art or what the fuck but. stu.

a few friends and no family know. i chopped my hair off and a binder is on route. im lifting weights w one of the boys.

happy adulthood to me

[psycho-slytherin]

Off-Limits

Your big brother’s best friend has always been off-limits, but you’re tired of being treated like a little kid.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: geek terms

WC: 2.9k

|mlist| ~ |birthday fics|

A belated birthday fic for @mypersonalityiskpop! Happy birthday!

You stare at yourself in the mirror and sigh. He’s only ever going to see you as a kid, his best friend’s little sister. He’s so annoying and cute and you hate him and you’ve had a crush on him since seventh grade and ugh.

“Y/n, do you have plans tonight?” Joon asks, knocking.

“Nah, I was just gonna watch Sherlock and eat ice cream,” you reply, opening the door to face your brother. Even though he’s only two years older, he’s almost a foot taller than you– when you were younger, you were the same height, and over the years you’ve watched him shoot upwards while you’re still on the short side of average.

“Well, can you make plans? I’m having the guys over and I don’t want you to bother us.”

You press your lips together. “No, I’m not going to rain check Netflix. I’ll stay in my room, so don’t worry.” You have this conversation every week; your brother hates it when you bother his friends, but it seems ‘bothering’ them just means saying hi or offering snacks. You learned early on that the only way to satisfy Namjoon was to leave them alone completely.

But Yoongi always tried to include you– even when you were younger and dumber and just wanted to be one of the guys. You’re not obsessed with joining Namjoon and his friends anymore, which is why it sucks so much that you still have this dumb crush on Yoongi.

Whatever. You fetch your bowl of ice cream and curl up in your bed to rewatch Sherlock. Halfway through the episode you hear the front door open, and raucous laughter rings through the house, cutting through Benedict Cumberbatch’s dialogue.

You roll your eyes. Namjoon wants you to pretend you don’t exist, but he’s always exceedingly loud with his friends. Thank goodness your parents are out at dinner.

“Yo, where the hell is Tae? We need an odd number of players for this session.” How is it, through two closed doors and across the house, your brother’s voice is so distinctive? You groan in frustration, reaching over to grab your headphones. Why are you expected to be the perfect little sister when Namjoon is so annoying?

Once your headphones are on and the volume is turned up, your evening becomes more pleasant… for about three minutes.

Your door swings open without warning, and Namjoon walks in.

“Joon!” you protest, taking off your headphones. “Get out!”

Your brother sighs. “This is a one-time offer, and it was not my idea. Look, our game needs another player, and Tae’s not gonna be here. Do you want to play with us?”

“You want me to play with you?”

“Yes or no, y/n?”

You should say no. Saying yes means seeing Yoongi, and dealing with a whole evening of being coddled and teased like– well, like a little sister. Still…

“Fine. But I reserve the right to leave if you guys get too annoying and testosterone-y,” you say, sliding off your bed. “Just let me change.”

“What’s wrong with your pajamas?” Namjoon asks.

You hesitate. They’re too childish.

“Your friends are all teenage boys, Joon. I’d rather be wearing a bra around them, thanks.”

“They don’t care, you’re just a little kid.”

“I’m sixteen,” you huff. “That’s not so little anymore.”

“Whatever, just hurry up.”

You spend perhaps too long in front of your closet– it’s been a while since Namjoon has let you hang out with his friends, and you don’t want them to think you’re still the annoying little one. They’ll think it anyways, though. You pull on a comfortable T-shirt and sweatpants. A step above pajamas, barely.

You stride down the hall and into the living room, where Namjoon and five of his friends are sprawled on the couch, the floor, the chairs, snacking on chips and fruits and more chips.

Almost unconsciously you zero in on Yoongi, who’s laughing at something Jungkook said. His gummy smile, even when not aimed at you, is messing with your heart. There’s a spot next to him where you would fit, and you’re tempted, so tempted– but Namjoon would kill you if he knew of your crush.

“I heard you guys were in need of another player?” you ask, settling down between Hoseok and Jimin, as far from Yoongi as you can. He’s wearing a grey sweater and black sweats– although, why you notice this, or care, or wish you had the confidence to sit by him, you have no idea.

“Aw, lil’ y/n-ie! It’s been a while!” Hoseok laughs energetically, ruffling your hair. You elbow him in the ribs and smooth your hair down. Yoongi’s looking at you curiously, probably because your messy introduction made you look like an idiot.

“Are we getting started?” You ask, ignoring Hoseok and his exaggerated wails of pain.

“Sure. I’m the DM, and we needed six to have even teams,” Namjoon says, passing you a D&D character sheet. “You can just be an NPC.”

“Sounds good.” Growing up with Namjoon, you’re familiar with the rules and rituals surrounding Dungeons and Dragons, and you fall into character quickly. Namjoon assigns you to whichever role he needs filled– barmaid, lackey, merchant, whatever. It’s honestly great fun, and you’d never admit how cute Yoongi is when he acts like his character, how warm you feel when you make him laugh.

“The ranger clearly knows more than she’s telling you,” your brother narrates, while you sit up straight, staring haughtily at the party.

“I’m gonna threaten her,” Jungkook announces.

“Roll for intimidation.”

Jungkook rolls the twenty-sided die before groaning. “Six.”

“Sir Cragg’s menacing glare falls short, and the ranger is unimpressed.”

You snort, still in character. “Are you trying to scare me, Sir Knight?”

“Wait, let me try,” Yoongi says, turning his attention to you– no, your character. “You know, we would really appreciate knowing the location of the dungeon. Surely someone as beautiful as yourself would know– and we’ve heard tales of your adventures; such an accomplished ranger would have no issue sharing her secrets, right?” He winks at you, and a shiver runs down your spine. He’s looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world.

Namjoon chuckles. “Roll charisma.”

“Gee, I wonder how a bard will do on a charisma check,” Jungkook complains. “He’s got a huge bonus.”

Yoongi tosses the die, and then whistles. “Nat fucking twenty! With my bonus, that’s twenty-six.”

Namjoon nods at you, and you fan yourself. “Well, I-I suppose I might have what you need, since you asked so nicely. In fact, I have a map with directions to the dungeons, and I can lead you there myself.”

“Damn, she’s actually blushing!” Hoseok hoots. “That’s the power of a nat 20.”

Oh no, are you blushing? Is it that obvious? Do they know? You can’t let them know.

“Well, that was fun,” you say, standing quickly and dusting yourself off. “Namjoon, you can hold down the fort– I’m going to my room. Wouldn’t want to bother you all.”

The guys protest, but you know they’ll just keep playing once you’re gone. You never really needed to be there in the first place. You hurry to your room and, once isolated, flop onto your bed with a sigh. You feel like a lovesick teenager… or a little kid with a crush.

A knock at the door startles you out of your thoughts.

“Go away, Joon,” you call, curling up under your duvet. “I’m not coming out again.”

“Then I hope I can come in,” says someone, but it’s not your brother, it’s a voice more gravelly, sleepier, quieter– a voice you’d recognize anywhere. Your heart beats faster against your will when you get up to open the door. Standing right outside, with his hands in his pockets and a soft smile lighting up his features, is…

“Yoongi?” you breathe. “What… what are you doing here?”

“Ah, they need an odd number of players. Since you left I decided to sit out the next mission so everyone else could play.”

“Oh. Uh, do you want to come in, or…?”

“Do you want me to come in?”

You swallow, your voice barely a whisper. “Sure.”

“Then yeah, please, it’s boring having to watch without playing.” Yoongi admits sheepishly, sitting down on your bed and surveying your room– thank goodness you cleaned it earlier. “Huh. You know, for however long I’ve known Namjoon, I’ve never seen your room. It suits you.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“So how are you, y/n?”

You start. “You called me y/n.”

Yoongi raises an eyebrow. “Did you change your name or something? Have I missed the memo?���

“No, it’s just… all of Joon’s friends call me y/n-ie, or little y/n, or don’t know my name at all.”

“Oh, I know the feeling.”

You sit down on the bed beside him, careful not to get too close. “You do?”

“Sure. Y/n, you know I have a big brother myself, right?”

“You’re a younger sibling?” You have to consciously close your jaw at his words. Yoongi, who’s so clever and seems to fit in everywhere, is the youngest? All your life you’ve had to deal with ‘Oh, you’re Namjoon’s little sister?’ You’re the little one, doomed to sit at the kids’ table forever, and never to be looked at as anything other than your perfect brother’s little sister. Do you have an inferiority complex? Maybe. A sibling rivalry? Sure. Even more feelings for the guy sitting next to you than you already had? Definitely.

“Yes, I’m the youngest,” Yoongi chuckles. “I was always trying to play with my brother and his friends when I was a kid, but he never let me. Then when my brother was older and started bringing girls home, he always told me to leave them alone. No matter where I go or what I do, people only know me through him. Namjoon was really the first friend I made that liked me better than my brother.”

“You guys have a good friendship,” you say affectionately. “As annoying as he is, it’s good to see that Joon’s got people like you around him.”

“Aw, thanks.” Yoongi smiles, bumping your shoulder. You laugh and nudge him in retaliation. Sure, you’re nervous– Yoongi’s almost intimidatingly pretty– but he makes you feel so at ease. Is it really possible that you could ever step out of your big brother’s shadow, like Yoongi has?

“Remember like six years ago when you ran into that glass door because Taehyung told you it was open?” Yoongi says suddenly.

You laugh. “Yes, and I remember being ten years old at the time. But you did the same thing when you were fourteen!”

“Wha- you weren’t there for that!” Yoongi exclaims, wide-eyed.

“I know everything that goes on in this house,” you reply, flipping your hair. You were thirteen at the time, and constantly trying to join Namjoon’s group of friends. So of course you remember Yoongi walking right into the door– you were hiding behind the kitchen counter when it happened.

Your brother’s friend suddenly goes very red. “Hopefully not everything.”

“Is there something I shouldn’t know?” you tease, your heart hammering in your chest.

“Just guy stuff– we all have our secrets, right?” Yoongi says, winking conspiratorially.

Why does he keep winking at you? You know it’s just a joke, you’re only entertaining him until he can go back to his friends, to your brother– but you can’t help but wish, just wish that he really were flirting with you.

It’s impossible, though– to your brother’s friends, it seems you’re permanently stuck at twelve years old.

“Secrets, yeah. I’ve got my fair share of those too.”

“Really? What’s one?”

You sit up straight in disbelief. “You do know how secrets work, right? ‘Cause it’s not that.”

“I know, I just thought we could play our own game since the others are having fun. Let’s swap secrets.”

“How is that a game?”

“We ask each other questions– if there’s a question we don’t want to answer, we have to trade a secret instead.”

You smile internally. It’s dangerous, sure, but it sounds kinda fun. Besides, you have watched all the episodes of Sherlock.

“Fine. Let’s play.”

“You can go first, if you want. Ask me anything.” Yoongi says, sits back confidently.

“What’s something Joon’s really bad at?”

Yoongi chuckles, a smile pulling back his lips to reveal his gums. “He’s great at DM-ing, but he’s shit at roleplay. That’s why he agreed when I had the idea to invite you tonight.”

“Pff, that sounds like him,” you snigger. “Alright, shoot.”

“What’s something you’re better at than your brother?”

You raise an eyebrow. “Weird question, but okay... well, acting, obviously. I’m better at making friends. I’m better at not sucking all the energy out of the room.” You take a deep breath and almost against your will, the words spill from your lips: “I’m better at having a lower IQ. I’m better at failing my classes. I’m better at being the second best, the one who no one remembers their name, I’m better at being ignored–”

You’re cut off by Yoongi leaning forward to wrap his wiry arms around you and hug you. You’re so focused on trying not to cry that you don’t even have a chance to blush.

“You’re none of that, y/n.” Yoongi says quietly, but with conviction. “You’re your own person, an amazing, intelligent person, okay? You’re fun and social and smart and funny and you’re more than Namjoon’s little sister, I promise.”

“Thanks, Yoongi.” You blink hard and realize he’s still holding you close, too close, he smells so good, and ugh why do you like him?

But after tonight– how can you be sure he doesn’t like you?

“My turn to ask a question,” you say, straightening up and fighting to keep your voice steady. “How old am I?”

He freezes, cocking his head. “How old are you? I thought you’d ask something juicy.”

“I said what I said,” you reply. You just want to know, just want to see if you have a chance.

“Um... Namjoon’s eighteen, I’m seventeen... you’re... fourteen?”

Something inside you– maybe hope– dies a little. Right. You’re a child, a little kid.

“I’m sixteen,” you say, a hint of steel in your voice, and it’s almost like Yoongi can see the frustration in your eyes, the way your fists clench, the way you press your lips together.

“Sorry,” Yoongi says softly. “Really. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s just... you’ve always been off-limits, so I’ve never known enough about you.”

“Off-limits?”

“Well, yeah.” Yoongi runs his hand through his hair, avoiding your gaze. “Namjoon made it pretty clear that we weren’t supposed to bother you– he’s really protective of you, y/n. He didn’t want you near heartbreakers like Jungkook and Taehyung.”

Huh. That’s new information. “They’re not my type anyways.”

“Then... what is your type?”

“Uh...” you swallow hard. “Someone who gets my humor. Someone fun, clever, sociable. Someone who, I don’t know, sees me for me. I guess...” Someone like you. “How about you?”

“About the same,” Yoongi shrugs. “I’ve never been someone who only loves romantically. I’m attracted to people who I know I could be friends with.”

“That’s pretty sweet,” you admit. “And wholesome, for a teenage boy.”

“Your brother’s friends aren’t all villains, y/n.” Yoongi says. “You might even want to get to know us.”

“Namjoon won’t let me,” you reply. “I’m just a little sister– I’m not allowed to talk to you.”

“You’re talking to me now,” Yoongi points out. “How’s this feel?”

“It feels...” You’re comfortable, safe, happy. “Feels good. Nice.”

“For me too.”

You shake yourself out of the stupor of his intense gaze. “Uh, it’s your turn to ask a question.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Is that your question?”

“Yeah.” Yoongi takes a deep breath. “That’s my question.”

“Then yes, go ahead.”

Yoongi’s eyes are almost pleading, and when he looks at you, his gaze is so electric it feels as though you’re rooted to your spot. “I like you, y/n. And you’re more than your brother’s sister, more than anything. I like you a lot and you don’t have to like me back, I shouldn’t even like you because you’re my friend’s sister but you’re more than that and I really like you.”

Your breath catches in your throat. Your heart– has it stopped beating, or is it too fast to feel? Yoongi is looking at you with earnest vulnerability, he gulps and you can see his Adam’s apple bobbing, and he likes you and he likes you and he likes you.

“But... Namjoon,” you whisper. “You’re not– I’m off-limits. You’re off-limits.”

“I don’t care about Namjoon right now,” Yoongi breathes. “All I need to know is how you feel about me. If you don’t like me, that’s okay. If you do, that’s great. I just... I just need to know.”

“I...” this has to be a dream. You’re dreaming. Your brother’s best friend, the one who you’ve liked for years, likes you back. “Yoongi– wow. I...” Aaah, you’re nervous. “I like you too. I’ve liked you since I was twelve, and...” you clam up, turning red. “Sorry, that was weird.”

Yoongi laughs, a newly beautiful sound, and touches his forehead to yours. “It’s not weird. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

“Yoongi...” before you can say anything else, your door swings open and your brother marches in.

“Y/n, have you seen– what the hell?”

[sophfandoms53]

Endgame Talk

This little discussion is gonna have massive spoilers for Avengers Endgame. This is your warning if you have not seen the movie. If you haven’t seen it, just scroll all the way down as fast you can. If you have seen it or you don’t care about spoilers, then welcome! As for the rest of you, you have been warned.

Okay so. I know we’ve all got our own opinions on Endgame, the way the plot works, the way certain characters were treated, and especially with its ending.

I’ve read a lot of reviews and reactions about Endgame the past few days and in all honesty. There isn’t much I disagree with. A lot of the critiques given to the film are valid critiques. Some are just nitpicks that don’t really matter. But over all, the criticism is pretty fair.

In regards to the time travel, I barely understood how it worked in the film. All I know is that it worked and everyone came back. All I needa know lmao. I didnt understand time travel in back to the future, I didnt understand it in gravity falls, I didnt understand it in TMNT, I didnt understand it in Power Rangers, and I don’t understand it during this movie.

Time travel is a very difficult thing to figure out with story telling as every move made has its consequences. Which is why when I see people saying “The time travel in this movie created plot holes.” It makes me laugh because uh duh it’s time travel, of course it creates plot holes. We have yet to see any creator or writer do time travel and not have it cause plot holes or confusion. This doesn’t excuse said plot holes but it clears up that Endgame isn’t the first victim of the trouble time travel has on its story.

Okay let’s talk about Tony and Steve’s endings.

Oh boy.

I’ll start with Steve because right now I ain’t ready to talk about Tony.

Steve went back in time to put the infinity stones in their proper places before the team originally went back to bring everyone back and he was suppose to come right back to the present (or future in their case) but he doesn’t. Instead he stays in the 70’s (which is when he and tony got the Tesseract) and forms a relationship with Peggy and when we see him again in present (future) time he’s the age he would be if he was never frozen back in the 40’s.

Now, while I do agree this causes a lot of confusion in regards to events in Civil War and such but. That’s our timeline. What happened with Steve staying back in the 70’s was that he created an alternate time line where, all the events we all saw still exist, but he was able to live a happy marriage with Peggy. Or at least that’s how I saw it honestly. Steve staying in the 70’s didn’t change or alter anything in the main timeline. We know this because we saw that nothing changed.

Also. Steve never belonged in this time period anyway. In The First Avenger, Steve is fighting in WW2 and it’s a soldier. He was meant to be in the 40’s but he made a sacrifice that caused him to wake up in modern day. And while Steve did a lot as Captain America, that doesn’t change that this isn’t where he belongs. He watched as everyone in his past was either changed (Bucky being mind controlled) or lost (Watching Peggy die). Steve’s entire past kept coming back to haunt him. Which is why he took the opportunity to stay in the 70’s with Peggy. To give himself a happy ending. This was something foreshadowed throughout the film as well.

Now. Lets talk about the big one.

Tony Stark.

Firstly.

UM OW????? MARVEL YOU LEGIT RIPPED MY HEART OUT FROM MY CHEST AND STEPPED ON IT AND THREW IT IN THE STREET TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR! HOLY SHIT THAT HURT. AND LIL BABY PETER PARKER CLINGING TO TONY DIDNT HELP NONE. GAH MY HEARTT. IM STILL CRYING OVER THIS

Okay. Now that that’s out. Lets talk Tony Stark.

Imma be real. The minute Morgan Stark (whom is adorable and needs absolute protection) popped out of the tent, I knew Tony’s fate. I had a huge feeling Tony wasn’t gonna make it out. And it hurt that I was right.

However, as much as it hurt to see Tony die, to see him make the last sacrifice, it makes sense both for story telling and within Tony’s arc as a character.

We’ve watched Tony grow from an arrogant man who didn’t really care for the world around him but his industry, to someone who wants what’s best for his family, who became a mentor of a young kid with a lot of potential to the point that only Tony really believed in him and who wants to protect the world.

We saw Tony go through this arc from beginning to end.

Tony’s never had it easy in his life. He lost a lot, he fought a lot, and he stressed a lot. Tony, throughout these films, has never had a proper time to relax and appreciate what he has because he was always fighting to protect himself, the ones he loves and the world. It got to the point in Iron Man 3 that Tony began losing sleep and could not rest because of all the torment he has been through.

Keep in mind Iron Man 3 takes place The Avengers and what happened in Avengers? Loki and a huge attack on New York that only they could stop. And who sent Loki on this attack?

Thanos.

It always comes back to Thanos.

Joe Rousso confirmed back during Infinity War that Thanos and Tony have connection.

In the sense of story telling, Thanos acts as a foil to Tony.

In an interview, one of the Rousso’s said:

“It’s all the heroes. I think he has the most specific connection to Tony because Tony is a futurist, and he has predicted a threat like Thanos. It’s lived in his brain even though he couldn’t name it. Tony is the most desperately driven, down to the core, to react against something like Thanos, although all the heroes will face a threat, no matter who it is or where it comes from. But I think this is intrinsic to Tony’s psychology, and because Tony started it all with Iron Man, he has a special connection to the threat that’s facing him."

Despite not meeting until Infinity War, Thanos and Tony have always had a connection. Thanos was the one that kept Tony restless. The reason he stressed everyday. Thanos was the reason Tony has to witness the loss of all his allies and surrogate son.

It’s all been Thanos.

The reason I call Thanos Tony’s foil is because of this connection.

Thanos and Tony have similar goals. They both believe what they’re doing is the greater good for the world. There’s a connection between them because of how they both think and operate. It’s why Thanos tells Tony he has respect for him in Infinity War. Thanos understands Tony’s view. And because he understands, Thanos serves to show Tony, and the audience what Tony would’ve become had he not grown and became obsessed with “balance” instead of the greater good.

In doing so, Thanos couldn’t live in a world without Tony and Tony couldn’t live in a world without Thanos.

Now I know some of you are probably like, “But Tony did live in a world without Thanos. He spent 5 years without Thanos around.”

and you’re right.

Technically, you’re right.

However.

Even within those 5 years, Tony was still haunted by what Thanos did. How Thanos won and that they lost. We saw throughout Endgame that Tony never forgave himself for what happened and especially for what happened to Peter.

Despite Thanos being dead, Tony is still haunted at the memory of Thanos and all the damage he created.

Hence why Peter was Tony’s main motivation throughout the film. When the team attempts to ask Tony for help regarding time travel, Tony declines as he says his too risky and because he doesn’t want to lose what he has now. Which is Pepper and Morgan.

His wife and daughter mean more to Tony than anything. We’ve seen Tony’s love for Pepper grow and we saw how much Tony loves his daughter. I love you 3000!

He got 5 happy years with them. Tony had his happy ending for as long as he could. Until once again, Thanos’ actions came back to haunt him. Seeing, remembering, that Peter was one of the people that were lost during Infinity War, the kid Tony grew to love as a son, and looked over and mentoured, Tony never stopped working on trying to bring Peter back. Without Peter, Tony felt like he failed.

At the end of the day Tony wasn’t worried about himself, he wanted Peter safe and sound. He wanted the world to be saved.

Tony needed closure. He needed to know the evil that haunted him for years was gone. He needed to know that his family and friends were safe. He needed to know that he fought until his end. And he did just that.

Tony Stark never ever stopped fighting. Ever.

Which is why Tony makes the ultimate sacrifice.

Using the stones and losing his own life.

Yes it hurt. A lot. It affected us and the characters in the film. But that’s how Tony’s arc was suppose to end.

It’s why Pepper said, “You can rest now.”

Tony fought Thanos non-stop for years and years on end. He never thought he could be at peace. But when he saw all his loved ones around for him, especially Pepper, his loving wife and Peter, the boy he risked everything for, and that they were officially safe and the monster that haunted him could no longer harm his family. He go be at peace.

He could pass on peacefully.

Tony Stark learned to love. Learned to care. Learned to grow. Learned that you’re not always alone.

Tony Stark learned all that he needed to in order make the final sacrifice in order to kill Thanos.

Tony Stark put the world’s protection before his own life.

Tony Stark is the true super hero.

His final words,

“And I... Am Iron Man.”

Were that for a reason, not just as a call back to he ending of the first film.

Those were his final words because Iron Man is not Tony Stark.

Tony Stark is Iron Man.

Tony Stark is the hero.

It’s the lesson Tony taught Peter with the phrase, “If you’re nothing without this suit than you shouldn’t have it.”

It’s not the suit that makes the superhero, but the person who wears it.

Tony Stark wears the Iron Man armor.

Tony Stark is the hero, not Iron Man.

Tony Stark’s arc has concluded.

There is no denying the pain and tears that were felt and shed during Tony’s death. But it was his time to go.

It was Tony’s time to rest.

Tony Stark fought and lived hard.

Tony Stark died happy, at peace and as a hero.

~We love you 3000 Tony~

Thanks for reading this far if you did. This is just my take on the film. Don’t take it as fact alright. What did you guys think of Endgame?

[ryopangari-mateus]

Random questions.

(Since I am super bored and no one actually asks me questions I have went ahead and filled them all out.) 001. When is their birthday? 3rd Sun of the 6th Astral Moon 002. Do they do anything to celebrate their birthday? Not normally. 003. Does your character like coffee better, or tea? Tea 004. Do they prefer being alone or with others? It really depends on the moment. Ryo likes her privacy and does not like huge crowds. She does like spending time with her loved ones. 005. Are they in good health? Yes 006. What sense do they most rely on? Sight/smell 007. Is your character an optimist or a pessimist? Depends on the situation. 008. What is their favorite fairy tale? N/a 009. Do they believe in happy endings? Not really 010. Do they believe in love at first sight? Not in the normal aspect. She believes that there is a connection between souls, not always pertaining to love. Even with that connection, love is something that requires work. 011. How would your character court the person of their dreams? She already has the person of her dreams… though their start was not "fairytale" material. 012. What makes your character embarrassed? Compliments, messing up (which happens quite a bit) 013. Have they ever been bullied or teased? Yes 014. Detail one secret shame your character feels. Allowing the tribe to influence her thoughts on others for so long. 015. Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? Tongue.. Until that no longer works. 016. What is their choice of weapon? Red mage Rapier or white mage staff 017. When does your character think that violence is justified or deserved? Depends on the situation. 018. Your character wakes up to find that war has been declared. What do they do? "Ah shit.. Again? So much for my quiet day." -Gets out of bed with a sigh and gets to work- 019. If they could have a superpower, what would they choose? Isn't Hydaelyn's blessing and the echo enough? Okay.. If she had to pick something else it would be the ability to read minds. 020. What are their hobbies? Painting, crafting 021. How do they display affection? Hugs and dotes. 022. What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? The sky in Churning Mists both during a thunderstorm or a clear night. Sunrise from her home. 023. What do they consider beautiful in others physically? Ryo does not normally focus on the outer beauty because it can be very deceiving. 024. What do they consider ugly in others physically? See above answer 025. What do they consider beautiful in others personality-wise? Kind, willingness to help others, and bravery. 026. What do they consider ugly in others personality-wise? Deceit and lies 027. What is their idea of perfect happiness? (Alone)Curled up with a book or painting with music in the background. (With others) Spending time with her loved ones. 028. What makes them laugh out loud? A lot of things. Most often is the craziness of her FC. 029. What sort of sense of humor does your character have? Ryo can find humor in a lot of things. Her sense of humor ranges from dark and light airy, even the occasional inappropriate joke. 030. Do they believe in the afterlife? Yes 031. Are they superstitious about anything? Not anything specific. 032. Does your character believe in ghosts? Of course, she's seen them before. 033. Do they keep their promises? Yes 034. What’s their view of lying? Absolutely despises it.. She hates being lied to. However on the flip side of that she can also see the benefits of having to lie sometimes. 035. What is the most important rule your character lives by? Always do what you say you are going to.. 036. How honorable is your character? For the most part she is pretty honorable. 037. If your character saw someone drop a large sum of money and knew that they could probably take it without anyone noticing, what would they do? There was a time when she would have THOUGHT about keeping it… Now Ryo makes a pretty decent living from her paintings and adventuring on the side. 038. What bad habits do they have? 039. What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? Exploiting someone for your own gain. 040. What is their obsession? Plushies. 041. Are they comfortable with technology? Yes 042. What is their greatest achievement? Not sure. 043. What will they stand up for? Ryo stands up for those who need it. 044. What disgusts them? See above answers. 045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions? No 046. How do they handle getting sick? Ryo usually does not show that she is sick. If she gets sick she normally powers through it… That is until she pushes herself too far and gets even more sick. She then becomes a sick child who wants nothing more than to be held and to sleep. 047. What was the last medical problem your character had? N/a 048. Do they have any allergies? No. 049. How does your character feel about growing old? She is indifferent. 050. How does your character feel about their own mortality? Ryo doesn't really think about it. She knows that on every mission that she goes on it is something that can happen but she doesn't dwell on it. 051. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today? Ryo isn't one who would do crazy things. She would spend a quiet day at home surrounded by those that she loved. 052. What is your character’s worst flaw? Ryo appears very standoffish. Because of that some people feel that they have a hard time approaching her. 053. What is your character’s greatest strength? Not to sound cliche, but her greatest strength her friends and family. Because Ryo has issues making new contacts those bonds that she has established are strong 054. Does your character want power or authority of any kind? No. 055. Is your character an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.. Ryo tries being more sociable but usually ends up wishing that she were home with a good book. 056. Has your character ever struck someone in anger? Yes. 057. Has your character ever killed anyone? Uhhh….. 058. What is your character’s idea of a perfect day? See above (question 27) 059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up? "Wait what?" "The things I'd do for a refresh." 060. What is your character’s attitude toward education and learning? Learning is lifelong. It doesn't just stop once your education is done. 061. Does your character prefer adventure or safety and security? A little bit of both. 062. What sort of legacy does your character wish to leave behind? Ryo does not seek to leave a legacy. 063. How well does your character handle difficult people? Avoids them if possible. If not possible she confronts them. 064. In what ways does your character annoy others? Not sure. 065. Is your character better at leading or following? Which do they prefer? When in a group Ryo will usually let someone else lead. That's not to say that if she does not agree with them that she won't speak up. 066. Does your character prefer city life or being out in nature? Out in nature. 067. Does your character believe in fate or destiny? No. 068. How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it? 069. What about your character is heroic? Ryo enjoys helping out other people. 070. What about your character is cowardly? While she doesn't normally let it stop her, she is always thinking of ways that things can go wrong. 071. How kind is your character? Very, though she doesn't always look it. 072. In a Dungeons & Dragons game, which class would your character be? (wizard, fighter, bard, priest, ranger, etc.) Druid or sorcerer 073. In a novel, what plot role would your character fill? (hero, anti-hero, sidekick, villain, etc.) Hmmm…. Not sure. 074. What is your character’s favorite game? N/a 075. Is your character ticklish? Yes 076. How do they express anger? Ryo has trouble hiding her anger.. It shows on her face. As for how she expresses it that depends on the situation. 077. How often do they cry? Over what? Not very often. 078. How emotionally stable is your character? Normally pretty stable. 079. How easy is it for them to read the emotions of others? Easy. 080. How easy is it for others to read your character’s emotions? Depends on the emotion. Sometimes people misread her. 081. Is your character religious? No. 082. What are your character’s sleeping preferences? On her side or her back. Cooler room, blanket on. 083. What is the first thing they say and/or do when they wake up? Nothing specific. 084. Describe your character in one word. Helpful 085. Describe your character in three words. Sometimes too helpful 086. How would your character describe themself in one word? Complicated. 087. How would your character describe themself in three words? 088. Is your character quiet or loud? Quiet normally 089. How vocally expressive is your character? Depends on the situation 090. How bodily expressive is your character? She is pretty expressive. She talks with her hands, and has trouble hiding her emotions as it normally shows in her expression or movements. 091. What type of music does your character like? She will listen to anything atleast once. She doesnt have a favorite genre. 092. What emotion does your character evoke in others? She hopes that she evokes joy. 093. What is your character’s goal in life? To live a good life and find something beautiful in everyday. 094. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to know. Not sure. If i think of something ill come back to this. 095. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to do. Same as above. 096. How do they move and carry themselves? What energy do they project? Ryo is normally a ball of energy, especially when she is around her family and friends. 097. How well do they adapt to change? Not very well. 098. Does your character like animals? Absolutely. 099. Do they talk to inanimate objects? Occasionally 100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about? Ryo either does not dream or does not remember her dreams. If she remembers anything at all it is usually the energy or feelings from her dreams.

[wesker20]

Fallen Hero 1.5 Episode 6 Parasites

Hideout - Morning

The blood on your puppet terrifies you right now for some reason. It looks so… unnatural, so out of place. You trained her body to make sure she could defend herself, but the fight at the parking lot was something else. It wasn’t just self-defense, you enjoyed it. You are no stranger to enjoying a fight, but it was always born out of pride, a sense of knowing you won against odds that were too much for you. Here it felt the odds were not stacked against you but against them.

You shake your head away and head towards the one sided mirror on your office. You watch your crew training, Pelayo relaying orders and the rest executing them to the best of their abilities. They take a familiar position to you. Zaza remains behind, taking advantage of his incredible eye, Pelayo stays in front of him acting as a wall between him and anybody else who wants to get to Zaza, and Nehal and Ward take point, acting as the Vanguard of the group.

It takes you back watching them like this, work in unison.

You and Kappa always stepped into the fray, Zeta stood away and acted as the sniper, and Alpha was always an immoveable wall. With the Rangers your position changed to back up and tactician, but you were fine with that too. Anathema would be the one to stay behind and cover you while Ortega and Steel took point.

But it doesn’t matter, none of that mattered. In the end everything you touched, you destroyed. No team was ever safe with you. Sooner or later they were destined to be destroyed. But if that’s the case then what does that say about you? About your crew? Will they also fall eventually? All because of you? Just like the others? They say that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Are you insane then? For always falling back on having a team knowing what has happened in the past?

Would it be safer to fire them and go solo? Maybe… they would be safer. None of them deserve to be brought down with you. But they are yours. You keep what is yours, no matter what.

You put on your mask and step outside. You make sure to take each step slowly, letting the hard sound of your boots echo throughout the hideout. They all know what that means and everyone lines up as your silhouette forms in front of them, hands locked behind your back, cape covering all of your body, and cloak hiding the reflecting mask. You are sure in their position you would be disturbed, if not terrified. But then again, they have seen you and spoken with you enough times that you doubt they feel that anymore.

You let the silence hang in the air as you walk in front of them eyeing them up carefully. You notice a bit of shake from Rosie although her face remains emotionless. Good, she has learned to hide her fear better. Pelayo and Ward both stand upright and frozen like statues. They have military discipline and obviously see you as their commanding officer. Zaza is more relaxed albeit still somewhat scared, still not enough to not screw up from time to time but you have faith you can get there. Nehal is different; her posture is focused and stiff, but not as disciplined as Pelayo and Ward. Her face lights up and she looks at you with the same eyes of someone else. Herald. She admires and looks up to you and wants nothing else than to prove herself. That much you can discern from just looking at her, but even if that wasn’t enough her thoughts are just as ridiculously open as Herald’s, meaning that you receive them just as clearly.

You finally step back and stare at all of them. “We all know what’s going on. The so called Army has been causing trouble and smearing my name. We tried once and we failed. That one was on me and I apologize.” You see Zaza brows shoot up in surprise, Nehal stiffens as if she wanted to say something but chose not to, and Rosie’s stance relaxes. Pelayo and Ward remain motionless but their thoughts shot up enough for you to notice that they feel the same way as the rest. “I failed to predict that something like this might happen. And let me be clear,” you take a step forward and finish with “I won’t let that happen again.”

“We will do our best boss,” Pelayo responds. You nod to him and continue.

“Jane has brought me some interesting information,” more like Hollow Ground gave you some but you don’t mention that to them. You pull out an envelope and hand it over to Pelayo so he passes it to the rest. “That’s a list of individuals who may have something to do with what is going on. We are going to get each and every single one of them.”

Nehal steps up and says “We won’t let you down boss. These guys are fucked.”

You make a sudden turn with your head to her, which causes her to step back. “Don’t get cocky Nehal. I appreciate your confidence, but don’t let it control you.” She nods. “Not all of them will resist, but some will. You can hurt them. But remember; I want them alive.” You proceed to dismiss them but you call Nehal to speak to her in private; you have another assignment for her since she wants to prove herself so badly. Time to give her that chance.

Gym – Morning

Truth is, however you don’t really care. You doubt any of them know more than what Hollow Ground already gave you. That said the possibility is still there. And of course there are the other two reasons. You want to see how the voice will react. They must be watching your every move or at least paying enough attention to know what move you’ll do next so you decided to put them between the sword and a hard place. If they react then you know the suspects know more. Not only that but you will also push them to panic, and panicked people make mistakes. If they don’t do anything that means the suspects either know nothing or very little, the voice is so arrogant they don’t care, or they are not paying enough attention to you. But what you really want is for people to start talking, spreading the rumor that you are investigating, and not happy with the Army. Effectively disconnecting you from them and taking a swing at the voice. Either way, it’s a win-win for you. It’s so surprising how the simplest of plans can net you the best results no matter the outcomes.

You can’t help but smirk at the thought as Emily takes another swing at you and you evade it with ease. That’s right, while your crew takes care of the kidnappings, you decided to shoot down another bird by meeting with Emily as Jane so as to keep an eye on her and confirm your suspicions. Either she is a huge fan or she’s really bad at hiding herself. You guide the conversation masterfully back at Red Doll and Emily does not shut up about it. You have known heroes who had major egos before, Thunder, Silver Cat, Mayor Ultimate, even Ortega when you first met her, you thought she had a huge ego before you knew her more. And, of course, most recently good old Lady Argent.

But you don’t sense the same from Emily. It’s more like pride. Still, it means she may not take failure well, and of course you killed her boyfriend. She throws another punch, you catch it and turn it into an armbar which she has no choice of escaping, at least not unless she was Red Doll and used her powers.

“Seriously? This is what, your fifth win?” she says as you let her go.

“You need to think a bit more. You are just throwing punches with no objective.”

“I do have an objective: Beat you,” she says oh so innocently. You can’t help but chuckle.

“Besides that. How are you planning to beat me?” you ask her and she stays there, only managing an “Uuuuuuuhhhhhh.”

You shake your head and sigh.

“Try attacking from the left. She has a hard time blocking that side,” you hear a very familiar voice say and you turn to see her. Of course, it’s Ortega. Anything else world? Because I don’t think you have done enough.

“You know I was trying to teach her. She doesn’t learn her lesson if you just tell her.”

“I think we have established I’m the better fighter here,” she shoots back in her teasing tone.

“Being a great fighter a great teacher does not make.”

“True, but it’s a start.”

You laugh as you decide to just let her have this one. You turn towards Emily only to find a girl who looks more like a stick than a person. Kudos to her, she could probably win that one challenge people were so obsessed about years ago. Mannequin challenge you think it was called.

“eh, well, Julia this is Emily, Emily Julia.” Ortega extends her hand and it takes Emily a whole second before she responds in kind. And even then it’s a very stiff shake.

“I’m guessing you know who I am already then,” Ortega says trying to ease the tension. You watch Emily gulp. Gosh she is bad at this.

“I, uh, I do,” she finally manages.

Ortega brings out that classic smile that melts any tension on the air. You simply feel the need to facepalm but you settle for rolling your eyes. “I’ll go change and then I can help you. Both of you.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” you say as she leaves. You wonder if she did not plan to come here until the last moment.

“You are friends with her?” you hear Emily’s voice, more quizzical than anything else.

“Yeah we met,” you stop for a second to make sure you don’t slip up and say years instead of months. “about four, almost five months ago,” you finish. You turn to her to find a worried look on her face.

“Doesn’t she work with that other woman, what’s her name?”

You feel the need to almost slap her in the face. And then facepalm yourself so hard you’ll leave a permanent mark. Seriously, could she be any more obvious? How has she survived this long? “Lady Argent?” you say just to play along but deep down you just want to knock some sense into her.

“That one.”

“Yes.” She doesn’t respond but her face changes from worried to neutral. You decide to try a more direct approach, if she’s going to be this obvious you might as well poke harder. “Are you ok?

“What? Yes. I am,” she says obviously lying.

“Are you sure? Because that look on your face says otherwise.”

“Nah, I’m just tired,” she responds. Gosh, it’s like she read the cliché book for excuses.

“Has anyone ever told you you are a terrible liar?” you say.

She turns to you with a sad smile. “Yeah, once. My boyfriend. He said I had to get better at it.”

“Cool. Maybe you can present us some day,” you say, deciding to grab the bull by the horns.

“He… He’s gone now.”

You want to be angry with her right now. Maybe you are being too harsh on her, she is a novice after all and you have been running and hiding most of your free life but still. If she had caught the attention of any other top villain, she would be dead. Which begs the question why do you even care? You’ve only known her in her civilian life for a couple of weeks and in her hero life, if she is, she wants to cut your head off. So then why do you just want to hug her and say you are sorry?

“I’m sorry.”

She turns to you, her eyes watery. “It’s ok. I’m fine.”

You decide not to call out her obvious lie and simply put a hand on her shoulder. Even though it was you who did it, you still know what it feels like to have someone taken from you.

Gym – Afternoon

You finish for the day. Ortega left after a couple of hours, having to head for Rangers HQ, and left you to continue practicing with Emily, who did learned a couple of things. Better watch out when she and Mastermind next meet. Just as you step out, however, you see a crowd heading for you. A crowd with a very distinct black attire and mark: The Army of Mastermind. Shit.

“Oh you gotta be shitting me,” you say as you watch them approach.

“Crap,” Emily says right after you. They don’t head straight for you but block yours and everyone else’s path. One of them steps up, clearly the leader of this particular group.

“People listen up. From here on out this part of town is ours. If no one wants to get their asses kicked out you gotta pay. If you pay, we’ll make sure no one bothers you ever again”

Oh hell no. Racketeering? Really? You hear a “psst” and turn to see Emily.

“Jane there’s an alley beside the gym. C’mon.” You follow her without question. As much as you want to beat these idiots up even after what you did with the other gang members, there’s no way you can handle a crowd as big as this. But just as you step in the alley you hear Emily say “keep running.” You don’t obey and instead turn to see that she is no longer there. Well, suspicion confirmed. At least ninety five percent.

You decide to sneak up and see what happens and just as you suspected, Red Doll arrives just in time. The Army wastes no time to try and swarm her, but she easily slips out of the group holding her. Crap about Polymorphs, they are slippery as hell. She begins knocking them out, one, two, three at a time. She uses her limbs as projectiles, and any punch that lands she simply lets it go through her. You even manage to recognize some of the moves as moves you have taught her yourself. Well, if you wanted to make her more dangerous, congratulations. You shake your head out, wondering where did that thought came from. Not that it matters, it’s correct. Why the hell did you just gave her more tools to beat you is beyond your comprehension.

It really does not last more than a couple of minutes. None of these idiots were boosted or mods, and they were clearly low level goons. You see Red Doll stand there with a smile, a very proud smile which you have already seen before. “Hey,” you yell.

“Jane? I- I mean miss, this place is dangerous, get to safety.”

You raise an eyebrow letting her know that she is still a terrible liar and putting on a mask does not make her any better. She catches the message pretty quickly. “I’m that bad huh?” she says with a look of embarrassment. You simply nod while smiling from ear to ear. At least she’s not stupid.

Later – diner

“Can you keep the secret?” Emily asks sheepishly.

“Better than you, that’s for sure,” you say as you take a sip of soda.

“You already suspected?”

“Well, let’s be real. The way you speak of… Red Doll either makes you look like an obsessed fangirl or that you are her. One of those was doomed to be the answer.”

She moans like a puppy and hides her face on her hands. “Relax. You’ll be fine with me. My lips are sealed.”

She finally raises her face, relieve painted all over. “Thanks. Not many know.” Not many, huh? That means there are others. Maybe family members, and probably her boyfriend too.

“So what now?” you ask her half curious.

“Now I’ll go take a shower and try to think how to hide my secret better.”

“Yes please. You’re painful to see when lying,” you say sarcastically.

“You know how?” she asks with genuine curiosity. Oh crap, you know where this is going.

“I think we established I may or may not be a very good teacher.”

“But you are the only one who can. All the other people who know-“ you stop her right before she spills something else.

“First of all, think before you speak. You talk too fast for your own good. Second, I’ll think about it.” She smiles at your response.

“Thanks Jane.”

Apartment – Dusk

The pieces are beginning to fall into place. You are now certain who Red Doll is. Now, all you need to do is wait for a call. From whom, remains to be seen. The phone rings; both of them. One untraceable number for your crew and your personal one. The untraceable one displays Pelayo, your private only says private. You smile and answer Pelayo first.

“Yes.”

“We got the first one boss.”

“Good. Wait for me, I’ll be there,” you hang and take the other one. “Good to hear from you again. I was starting to miss you.”

“Ah, I feel so bad for making you wait. But really I’m sure it’s nothing. After all, you have been busy.”

“That I have.”

“I take it you know those idiots are not going to say much that you do not already know, right?” You simply chuckle at them.

“You can’t blame me for trying.”

“Maybe. But still, I think I should teach you a lesson.” So panicking it is. You can imagine Nehal celebrating now.

“Oh, you mean the bomb you set on my hideout to kill my crew?”

“What?”

“Yeah, about that. See, I thought that someone who wants to hurt me might want to go after those closest to me. But killing a Ranger is too much, you’ll get chased down no matter what. Killing Mortum would also get you too much attention, more than what you already have. And of course, Red Doll is too new. No way you think she’s anything important to me. So my crew was the easiest target. So I told my youngest underling to check out for a bomb.”

“Ha, you send a brat to disarm a bomb. I thought you were smarter than that,” they say with mockery.

“Let me finish. I gave her a device I made. Now, I’m no tech genius, but if there is one positive I can take out of my time as a Re-gene, is that I learned a lot about weapons, including bombs. And here’s the kicker, we may all be different, but Re-genes rarely, ever, create their own signature for bombs. Even cuckoos. I admit, that last one was huge gamble but you don’t succeed if you don’t take a couple of risks. So basically what I’m saying is that I made a devise that directly disarmed a bomb made by a Re-gene.”

“How are you so certain it did?”

“Because if I was in your place, I would have detonated it along with the suspect.” At that moment your phone rings again. “Give me a second,” you say and take it. “Yes?”

“Boss, Nehal wants to talk to you.”

“Pass her through,” you only smile and make sure to put the earphone on the speaker so the caller listens to Nehal’s report. She found it, just where you thought it would be and she disarmed without even trying. You congratulate her and hang. “Anything to say?” and nothing comes. “I’ll give you a hint, I know you are from the farm. More than that, I now know you are not just any person from the farm, you are Re-gene, just like me. Actually let me correct that, you are nothing like me.”

You still hear nothing except a distorted growl that must be their breathing. “Just so you know,” you begin as you stand up, your tone turning dark, almost resembling that of Mastermind when you have the mask on. “If you had succeeded and killed my crew, there is no place on this planet I wouldn’t go to hunt you down and tear you to pieces. Not even the Catastrofiend could come up with what I would do to you.”

“Heh, if only you were that overprotective with your old team, maybe they would still be… alive? I mean I’m sure Alpha is but I doubt she even remembers her own name let alone you.”

“We grow. Or rather learn.”

“If so you would have stopped after the facility fell. But instead you went on to join the Rangers, only to also lead them to their destruction during Heartbreak.” You twitch at the mention of that and your cold anger grows. “Face it, you are destined to always take everyone down with you. Because you don’t really care about others, you only care about yourself, about how you feel. You can’t tolerate being alone in your misery, so you bring others down with you. Just like you did with the Rangers, just like you did with your squad, you will do to your crew. You will take them down and leave them as shells of who they were. In the end you are just a parasite that feeds and feeds until its food is gone and moves on to the next. Maybe that should be your new villain name, Jeremy.” they finish, saying your name with a mixture of disgust and mockery, as if you don’t deserve that name and hang.

Anger, self hatred, doubt. All swim around your mind but you crush them all down. Now’s not the time to dwell on how you feel but rather in what you have won. Their little outburst just gave you all the information you needed. You know who they are, now you just need to learn where they are, how they are using the Army and take them down. But how? How can you take down one of your own? One of your teammates?

[c0ronas-blog]

Can you do some Finch writing? Like maybe Finch/Crutchie or RedFinch?

heck yeah i’d love to >:)

p.s. y’all better start specifying fluff or angst bc when you don’t, i totally totally definitely never ever take that opportunity to kill all the newsies

p.p.s. this is a little over 1.7k words so the rest of the story is underneath the cut :)

warnings: drowning; death; a hella ton of angst

“FINCH! HELLO?”

Finch shook his head wildly, dropping his feet from where he’d rested them on his desk. “I’m here, Albie, don’t worry,” he said. His grip on his phone became tighter as he tried to refocus. “Say that again?”

Albert sighed and muttered something not-so-nice, both actions completely heard by Finch over the phone call. “I said,” started Albert, “that my cousin dropped out of going scuba diving with me. There’s a leftover spot and I was wondering if you wanted to come.”

“Oh!” Finch’s face lit up. “Really? Of course I’m going, Al!” He was already leaping from his chair and marching to his room, sliding open the closet doors. “It’s not that far, right?”

“Nah, Finch, you’re good,” Albert assured him. “Pack a day’s worth of clothing, with some extra shirts.”

Finch was quiet as he started grabbing shirts from their hangers. “Ooh, hawaiian sh-?”

“No!” Albert hissed. “No hawaiian shirts.”

This time it was Finch who sighed. “Okay, fine,” he mumbled, dropping the shirt he’d selected to the floor. “When are you gonna pick me up?”

A series of weird, squeaking noises emerged from Albert’s end of the line. Finch couldn’t help but smile at it. “Is noon okay? There’s a little bit of a drive and-”

“It’s great, Albert,” Finch agreed. “See you then?”

“See you then,” repeated Albert, confirming it. “Bye, Pat!”

“Wait!” Finch blurted. “Do you know CPR?” Silence followed and Finch’s brow wrinkled, worried that Albert had already hung up.

“Finch.” Albert’s voice was quiet, discreet, but Finch could’ve sworn he picked up a hint of amusement. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

Finch flushed a brighter red than any sunburn. Hell yes, he wanted Albie to kiss him. He’d wanted that since fifth grade and here it was, the summer before their final year of high school.

“No! No, I-” Finch took a deep breath, trying to will his heart to stop pounding. “What if I drown or something? You’d need to know CPR to-”

“Oh.” The single word, small yet harsh, interrupted Finch. “Okay,” Albert murmured.

Finch was confused. Why was Albert so… disappointed? Angry? He didn’t know what it was, but whatever feeling Albert had conveyed in that word, Finch was genuinely bewildered at its meaning.

“See you there?” Finch asked quietly, unsure of what else to say to break the quiet.

“Sure.” And then Albert hung up.

It was back when Finch was in first grade that he met Albert. They were only a few months apart in age and got along very well after discovering they shared a number of the same interests.

Okay, so, being a Power Ranger was definitely not Finch’s greatest aspiration, but back then it seemed like a great idea - especially since Albert wanted to be one, too.

By the time sixth grade rolled around, they’d grown out of their superpower-ninja phase and moved onto better things. Finch became obsessed with videogames, as did Albert. They spent many Saturday afternoons playing Halo and Assassin’s Creed.

It was only a year later that Albert gave Finch a huge hug on New Year’s Eve underneath the fairy lights they’d strung up all over Albie’s room that Finch felt something stir. Something that had always been there had just… awoken.

In high school, Finch would always smile and laugh at Albert’s jokes. He’d grin and be happy whenever Albert was looking his way. But as soon as he was out of Al’s view, it all faded.

Finch was Albert’s friend, nothing more. Albert was Finch’s friend, of course, but Finch felt more strongly, more deeply, about him.

And it crushed him to know that Albie was never going to see him that way.

--

“Look at the water! This is- this is so cool, Al,” breathed Finch, reaching out to squeeze Albert’s arm. Finch held on a moment longer than he felt he should’ve, but Albert didn’t seem to notice, thankfully.

They were walking down the beach, scuba gear stuck tightly to their bodies. It had made Finch blush brightly to see certain things so obvious. Albert, though? He just laughed.

“Have you never seen a coral reef before?” Albert grinned, gesturing widely to the rippling water in front of them.

“You have?” Finch chirped, his voice far higher than usual.

“Well, does Google Images count?”

“Al!” Finch hit Albert’s arm lightly. “Seriously, though - have you done this before?”

“Nah,” Albert assured him. He went quiet for a moment as he squinted at the sun. “Do you have tan lines?”

Finch stopped mid-pace. “Are you trying to get me shirtless?”

Albie wiggled his brows, making Finch snort. “As if I haven’t seen you without a shirt before,” he said with a wink. “But…” He reached out and tapped Finch’s chest. “You didn’t have pecs before.”

“ALBERT!” But Finch was laughing. “I’ve been working out, okay? It’s summer after all, and I wanted to impress the guys and gals.”

Albert nodded solemnly. Finch’s bisexuality wasn’t unknown to him and he often referred to Finch as a ‘bicon’ - which, naturally, made Finch flush a vibrant red that was brighter than Albert’s hair.

“Well,” began Albert, his eyes sparkling. “I can say for sure that you’re certainly impressing someone.”

“Oh, please,” Finch spluttered, flustered. The conversation continued after that as they slipped into the water, but Finch was on autopilot. Had Albert…?

It was wiped from his mind as soon as Finch’s gaze hit the huge reef. The mouthpiece - a regulator, he’d been told - almost slipped from his mouth as he gaped. Woah.

Judging by Albert’s wide eyes behind the green goggles he wore, the two had the same reaction. They shared amazed looks before swimming closer, careful not to disturb any of the coral.

Finch was enrapt by the intricacy and colors - not to mention the fish that swam about, their tails waving as they flitted away from him. What felt like only a few moments - though Finch knew they were much, much longer - flew by before Finch turned to Albert.

And that’s when he saw it.

Albert’s face was paling and he looked terrified, confused. Awful things.

Finch moved closer, his swimming skills in bad shape since he hadn’t done any true swimming in over a year. His breaths were small and quick as he sucked in air from the tank attached to his back. Worry was filling him, fast.

As Finch grew nearer to Albert, he watched in what was like slow-motion as the regulator floated from Albert’s mouth. Bubbles flowed quickly as Albert reacted, his first instinct being to drag in air.

But he was wrong, so wrong.

Finch could feel a scream building up in the back of his throat as he struggled to get closer to Albert, shaking his head wildly as if to say, “Don’t breathe.”

Despite seeing this, Albert’s chest heaved, up and down, up and down, trying desperately to pull in a wisp of air.

Panic shot through Finch’s veins, his heart pounding too loudly for him to process any coherent thoughts. All he knew was that he had to get to Albie, and fast.

He finally managed to grab Albert’s wrist. He pulled Al closer, wrapped his arms around his waist, and began to swim up. To the surface. To air.

Tears clouded Finch’s vision and he blinked them away, trying to shove away the cold fingers that were attempting to clench at his heart. Help Albert, he thought. Help him. Hurry.

Albert grew still after a moment and Finch almost froze. No longer did Albert flail about. He just lay, limp, in Finch’s grasp. Finch told himself that this was because Albie was trying to help him out by reducing any conflicting movement, but he knew, deep down, otherwise.

They finally exploded above the water, waves crashing into Finch’s face. He spit out his regulator, ignoring the nauseous feeling forming in his gut as he swam for shore.

He screamed out, calling for help, for a lifeguard. Someone, anyone. Help Albie, please. Please.

People came, pulling him and Albert to the sand. His grip was torn from Albert’s body and tears finally spilled down over Finch’s saltwater-soaked face.

His vision blurred and his memories blurred. Noises became distorted and all he could hear was the screams of help replaying in his mind.

Thoughts filled his head, full of moments he and Albert had shared. There was the car ride to the beach, the first time they’d met, so many things.

Was this the last one? Was this what Finch was going to see whenever he closed his eyes? Whenever he paused from his work, when he let his thoughts roam?

And it terrified him, because… was it?

Hands grabbed his shoulders and lifted him up. A misshapen face moved into Finch’s view and he stared into their eyes. Tears filled this person’s eyes as well but Finch didn’t question it; the overwhelming sadness in his heart muddled any question.

“Is Al- is he okay?” choked Finch, his throat closing up when he tried to say Albert’s name. “Albert - is he alive?”

“Pat,” came the person’s whisper. Soft and gentle, caring and calm. The slightest bit of a drawl and the crisp pronunciation of Finch’s name… it reminded him-

“Al?”

“I’m okay,” Albert assured softly, his grip tightening on Finch’s shoulders. Water dripped from his wavy hair, falling down his freckled face and slipping off of his chin. Red marks outlined where his green goggles had been and Finch traced them with a finger.

“You’re okay,” he repeated. The hesitance in his voice made it feebler than he realized, but Finch didn’t care. Albert was- he was alive.

“I did die there for a second,” Albert said, sounding almost thoughtful. “So now I can check off ‘resurrecting’ from my bucket list.”

Finch didn’t smile, didn’t laugh, didn’t sigh. He watched Albert’s mouth as he spoke, searing the way each word was pronounced into his mind.

Albie’s lips were a bit blue - pale, still, and chapped. But that didn’t matter to Finch.

His gaze moved up, locking with Albert’s. “I love you,” he whispered. “And I’m not losing you again.”

Albert was silent, but the glimmer returning to his eyes made Finch’s heart warm. “I love you too, Finchie, but my being resurrected is pr-”

Finch’s lips crashed against Albert’s, his fingers threading into Al’s sopping wet hair. Albert let out a ‘mmph!’ of surprise but soon was leaning into the kiss and cupping Finch’s face with both hands.

Finch pulled away, tilting his head to their foreheads touched. The taste of saltwater lingered in his mouth as he whispered, “Don’t leave me ever again.”

Albert’s warm smile filled his world. “I won’t,” he whispered back. Then, he pulled Finch closer for another kiss.

this was almost 2k words okay, gimme some love here

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[dilkirani]

replying to the EvB meet and greet a month later ‘cause apparently this is how behind I always am...

and since so many people replied to this part:

One of my bridesmaids, the lovely @leiascully, gave Scully’s “like a switch has been flicked” speech as a toast and I was dyyyyyying. I assume other people just thought she was being super sweet lolol.

This got looooong, so:

@consoledacup replied to your post “EvB meet and greet”

UGH that video and all her recordings! Break me. And I’m more than happy to guide you with the Myers-Briggs (igfjjfne one) test. I’m fascinated with that shit!

I just got to that ep on my rewatch and lost it all over again. I’m even more upset after the framework. Jemma Anne Simmons has survived too much to not get her happy ending with Fitz, okay. And sure, hit me up!

@itsavolcano :

your xf fics weren’t terrible!!!

girl, bye. hahaha.

@catchylove​ :

the maveth videos!!! those are just heartbreaking - they make me cry every time! excellent choice!! and that’s so cool about your wedding cake - it’s great you’ve got a husband who either shares your obsession or is just really understanding lol. either way, that’s lovely!!

haha, we first bonded over the x-files! He gets pretty obsessed with things too, although he’s not much involved in fandom so I get to be his guide. (He’s really understanding about Iain de Caestecker at least....)

@waitingforeleven :

ahh another parks and rec fan! Ben and Leslie were my original OTP before FS. :)

Yay parks and rec! I actually just started s7 on my rewatch, and I’m not ready for it to be over again. When they got engaged, my husband and I were watching with my best friend, and we were NOT expecting it and my friend and I SCREAMED. And then we all went out for celebratory waffles, not lying. It was amazing.

@howtocatchatardis :

parks and recreation is definitely one of my all time favorite shows!

It’s so great! I got my brother-in-law and his wife into it and it’s made family gatherings much better hahaha.

@somethingmarvelous :

Omg I love how delightfully nerdy your wedding was!! If I marry I totally want to use action figures as wedding cake toppers, that’s just so cool

I highly recommend it! Maybe it’s just the circles I run in, but so many weddings I’ve been to lately have incorporated really nerdy things, and it’s always fun!

@florchis :

Wow. I’m not much of a poetry fan, but I just went and looked for the poem tou recommended and discovered that the right way to interact with poetry may be by the voice of the author. Wow. Thank you.

Ohh, I’m so glad! I love poetry, but in a way that’s like...I’ll read something and just get obsessed with the voice of it. I don’t feel educated about poetry at all, but some poems are so perfect to me and I go back to them again and again. 

@unbreakablejemmasimmons :

OH MY GOD X-Files caketoppers that’s amazing. I too got my fandomy start with X-Files fic, and have had a soft spot for MSR for a hundred million years. So I love all of that so much!

I actually knew you were into XF from stalking your tumblr when I first got into FS fandom hahaha. Maybe we knew each other! That fandom was so huge though, in comparison at least. 

@tashonix :

Ooo as a Pisces and a fellow 30 year old you must be an ‘87 baby too :D I also love all of the moments you’ve picked - that was so hard to narrow down! That sounds like an awesome wedding too :)

Yes, I am! Yay another 30s person, haha. And omg yeah, it’s really too hard to pick. Hopefully they’ll give us something to blow them all away in s5 lolol.

@leopoldjamesfitzs :

Ooh!!! You watched txf too? I watched it a couple of years ago and fell in love. It’s such a different show, but such a good one. I commend you for watching it live (if you did) because the slow burn was slow enough that I was nearly screaming at the screen sometimes, and I had another episode to go to immediately. Welcome to team engineering, mighty warrior, I can’t wait to serve with you :D

I didn’t get into it until s6/7 (when I was in middle school!), so luckily I didn’t have to suffer ALL of the INCREDIBLY SLOW BURN live. But it was still difficult--like having to wait for reruns(!) of the eps I missed or for friends to send me VHS tapes(!) or spending 45 minutes on dial-up internet to download a music video. I mean, sometimes I can’t believe I survived all that haha. 

But yes, the slow burn is why I found it so funny people freaked out about it taking until s3 for Fitzsimmons to kiss. Back in my day, I had to analyze freaking lingering glances for years. But that said, can I please have more FS kisses, Jesus, show.

Thanks!!! Yay team E!

@marvelouswhovianfairytales :

I also wrote xf fanfic. ^_^ my first fics were for mighty Morphin power rangers though.

Yesss, more of us! I never wrote power rangers fic, but Kimberly and Jason were like my first ship, when I was a wee child haha.

@the-nerdy-stjarna :

I wrote Gilmore Gilmore fanfic like ten years ago. And our wedding dance was the waltz that Lorelai and Luke danced to at Liz’ wedding AND then late their own wedding (which was obviously after my own wedding which made me cry so hard). Our husbands are very patient with us.

Omg I love that that was your wedding dance! It’s so perfect for you! And yes, they really are!

@ifwehadamonkey :

i had never seen a single episode of the x-files until last year. i watched seasons 1-9 in about a month, maybe? i binged real hard. have you watched the new ones? are they worth watching? cause i’ll be real honest, i did NOT like the way s9 ended, or the movie rather.

Ahhhhh this makes me so sad because I loved XF so much and it was such a huge part of my life for a really formative part of my life, but I just...it needs to be taken away from Chris Carter. It ended terribly, and then the movie was terrible, and I still got my hopes up for the miniseries but I, yeah, can’t recommend it. Maybe some of the other XF people can give their opinion? I thought of the six eps there were two good ones? I actually haven’t rewatched since s10 aired. One ep was trying to make A Statement but was just Islamophobic. Then there was a cliffhanger. They were broken up at the beginning but then everything was just normal investigating partnership like always. I disliked what they did with a recurring character or two. I really think CC just does not understand why people loved the show and also he just got lucky. I don’t know. But I’m freaking invested forever so I’ll watch s11 too I guess. But I’m sad.

@bigfunnywords :

I am LIVING for the mulder and scully wedding cake toppers, omg.

I mean, go fandom or go home, right??

@aosfangirl81 

OMG, so, so, so much awesome cred for what you did at your wedding!! That is so awesome. Did you have a lot of X-Files fans as guests? Although, really, in the end, it only matters if you wanted it :)

Thanks!! A lot of our friends were either fans or at least understood that it was a reference, and my long-suffering mom had lived with me long enough to get it all. But I think a fair number of people didn’t haha. One of Matt’s uncles thought the cake toppers were supposed to be us, like?? I’m Indian?? We don’t work for the FBI?? But yeah, at first I was worried about people thinking we were weird or something but everyone’s just really happy and it’s fun, and it makes it more special for you if you personalize it how you want it. :) 

[artsy-hobbitses]

Spoilerish Power Rangers stuff below, because I love this movie more than I was ever expecting to. 

One of the aspects about the new Power Rangers I end up really enjoying is how 'millennial' it feels, like this is one of the very few movies I think, which seems like an honest love letter to a generation which is often underestimated and thought of as useless or babied by Baby Boomers who're generally in their 'DURING MY DAYS' mode, which is surprisingly what Zordon here started out as.

He's not the father figure of the old, he's an exasperated soccer coach who wishes his little league team was bigger, better, smarter and thinks they aren't doing enough, they they can't and won't be as good as he used to be when he was their age despite the hardships they're going through and the way they put him at odds with Jason is actually an interesting way of addressing the issue.

There's a strong sense of him desperate to relive his glory days and lead the team again despite the fact that it is not his team and not his time, which he addresses in a pretty poignant scene where he outright tells Jason word for word that "This is your team. This is your time." This almost feels like the film makers sitting down and talking to the audience, specifically those the same age as the rangers who have to test their wings in a world going through its worst economic, job market, political and ecological crisis in //decades// including some huge social upheavals (All of which is mainly due to the working generation before them) while the world tells them what entitled brats they are. Moments before that, he stopped being a bitter baby boomer archetype when he was given a chance to return to possibly lead the Rangers but willingly gives it up so they can bring back Billy. I think outside of a fantastic cast, this is a major reason why the movie, despite its cheesiness and some questionable story is resonating so well with the audience---No one's making fun of them for being teenagers, for doing teenage things, none of it is portrayed as 'trivial', things like revenge porn which is a thing in American high schools is not swept under the rug, the effect it has on people is explored. The Rangers are fully fleshed out individuals instead of what adults think teenager archetypes are like. They are given this quiet gravitas, dignity even which is very rarely afforded to their archetypes in stories where they’re either trivialized or blown out of proportions. 

Even the last scene which seems silly at first stands out to me; Billy makes the Megazord dance in celebration of their victory and a bunch of Angel Grove citizens whip out their cellphones/electronics to record everything. It's not played as 'lol dumb teenagers/tech-obsessed people', it feels like a genuinely happy moment captured by people celebrating the fact that they're alive and committing the day and the events they saw to memory, and that is not a bad thing.

"We're never going to understand each other." Jason said to his father, and these two are the classic generational divide. Well this movie understands, and it does everything it can to let you know that it does.

[letters-from-alex]

Dear Friend

April 5, 2017

It’s a very sunny, breezy day here in south Texas. 
I wasn’t expecting it to be seventy-seven degrees today. 
 Lately, it’s been in the mid nineties, so it feels good for once to be outside. I’m at my university. 
I just finished eating one of my chocolate strawberry oatmeals that I prepped the other day. 
It was delicious. 
I was surprised it was still cold; it was in my backpack for over an hour.
 I couldn’t eat it before class, so I waited until it was over to enjoy my “breakfast” outside. 
Even though I ate it after lunchtime, I still call it my breakfast since it was my first meal of the day. I looked for a shady area a couple of buildings down from where my class was at. 
 I found some empty seats under this area that I can’t really describe. 
 It’s like a “gazebo” type of area?… But it doesn’t have a roof; just long blocks of wood going across the roofless “ceiling.”
 It was shady from all the tall trees that surrounded the area. 
So, I sat there. 
 While I was eating my decedent chocolatey goodness, I was staring at all the people that were passing by, what we call, the bronc trail - it leads to every building on campus. 
 There were so many students walking around to get to their next class. 
 There were so many faces, so many smiles, so many voices, so many laughs. 
None of them were him - He Who Shall Not Be Named - the boy I call Voldemort. 
He doesn’t come to my school, so in a way, it keeps my mind at ease - that I won’t see him or his face here. 
Although, sometimes I do wish that I could see him in this huge crowd of nameless faces. I didn’t see anyone worth mentioning. 
Most of the guys here aren’t that attractive. 
I just saw some guys look at me.
 Some looked like they were admiring my brown Steve Madden boots.
 Some looked like they were admiring the way I dress.
 Hell, maybe some of them found me attractive, but sadly the feeling probably wasn’t mutual. 
 Then, there were the couples holding hands and kissing; it was annoying.
 I’m not one to be for public display of affection. 
 There was this one girl that passed by me who caught my eye and not in a good way.
 Her makeup was honestly horrible. 
 She literally got the hottest pink shade of blush she had and used it to contour her cheeks. 
She looked like she had a rash, or she just got out of a fist fight. 
I felt bad for judging her, but she really needed to be told something like, “Go to Sephora and buy yourself some bronzer. And while you’re at it, ask the makeup artists to teach you how to apply it.” Anyway, when I was done eating my “breakfast,” (and judging people) I decided to walk around campus since I’m not planning on jogging today. 
I thought I should get my exercise somehow, even if it’s just walking around. 
 My leg is in a lot of pain and I really think I should let it rest. 
I was walking around, trying to find the perfect spot to relax during this breezy day. The first place I went to was this area called the “Quad.”
 It’s in the middle of campus where most of the student organizations put up tents and tables to host events sometimes.
 Nothing was going on today, so I decided to sit under the big tree that shaded the circle of brick that people could sit on. I wasn’t there for long because this old man decided to smoke right next to me. I can’t stand the smell of smoke, so I immediately got up, put on my headphones, played my favorite music, and stormed off. 

 I had Purity Ring’s “Begin Again” on repeat. 
 I became immediately obsessed with it when my friend from Chicago, Ariel, introduced me to them. 
I was walking around, avoiding people, but keeping my head up high. 
I didn’t want people to think I was sad - because I wasn’t. 
 I thought I should go to the Student Union. 
 That’s where the game room is and all the food. 
It’s like a cafeteria, but better. 
 When I got there, I debated on whether I should get Chick-Fil-A or not. 
I had it the other day, so I chose the latter.
 There were too many people and I couldn’t find an empty table. 
I was getting really frustrated and all the walking was making me sweat. 
Instead of finding somewhere to sit at school, I decided to walk to my car to go home. My stomach growled at me while I was driving to my house. 
 I guess the oatmeal didn’t fill me up. 
I went to one of my favorite restaurants, ate, and then finally drove home. By the time I got home, it was already 3:30pm. 
All the windows were open in the house because my parents hired two guys to paint some of the doors in our home; they also painted an accent wall in the kitchen and my parents’ room. 
 The smell was still lingering from yesterday, but at least it was more faint than before. 
 I walked into my room. 
I felt so tired; my body was aching from all the exercises I’ve been doing. To top that off, I only got five hours of sleep the other day, and six last night. 
So, I took off my boots and laid down on my bed. 
I didn’t even turn on my fan - I was too lazy to get back up just to stay cool. The next thing I remember was waking up from the garage door opening when my mom got home. 
I didn’t even know I fell asleep. 
 What time is it? I thought. 
 5:45pm.
 Shit. I’m late to work. 
 I was supposed to be there at 5:00pm, but technically I could go in whenever I wanted. 
I’m just a provider for my little cousin, so I make my own schedule. 
 I got up, said hello and goodbye to my mom and took off. 
 Since Josh’s house was on my way to work, I stopped by to take him the last oatmeal I had in my refrigerator. 
When I got there, I was rudely greeted by his dad. 
 He doesn’t like me because I’m gay.
 Literally. “Hey where are you guys going?” he asked as he was walking toward my car. 

“Oh. We’re not going anywhere. I just stopped by so I could give this to Josh.” I grabbed the mason jar filled with oatmeal and waved it at him and continued, “You could go ahead and take it to him for me if you want.” 

“No. That’s okay. Listen, I know you like party and have fun. Hell. I wish I could still be like that but -”

 “Actually, I don’t like to party. That’s not like me,” I interrupted him.

 “Nevertheless. Josh has responsibilities. I hope you know that. He has his twins. Sometimes, I’m calling him to come home because I have the girls sleeping with me, and I have to work early in the mornings. Then he tells me that he’s going to stay the night at your house instead. I know you guys want to stay out late and everything, but just try to get him home at a reasonable time,” he said. 

 “Don’t worry. I will, but just so you know, he’s the one that also tells me that the girls are sometimes not home and that it’s okay for him to spend the night. So, it’s not completely my fault.” 
 There was an awkward silence until I saw Josh walk out with his two girls (thank god). 
 They looked so cute. 
 “Hey Josh,” I said. 
 His two girls were walking in front of him so they greeted me first. 
 They have never done that before. 
 One of them threw her arm at me and waved. 
 “Hiiiiiiii,” one of the twins said. 
 The other was a little more shy and just waved. “Hey Alex,” Josh said. 
Then he turned to his dad. 
 “What are you doing?”

 “I’m just talking to your friend here that’s all. And I’m admiring his new car,” his dad said. 
“C’mon girls, come with me.”
 He walked away and took the twins with him to the garage. 

 “Byeeeeeeee,” said the outgoing twin. 

“Bye,” I said with a big smile.
 “They’re so cute Josh.” 

“Yeah I know. What are you going to do right now?”

 “I’m just gonna go to work for a little while and then finally watch Power Rangers with my parents.” 

“Oh yeah that’s right. I forgot you were going to watch that movie.” 

“I can’t wait,” I said as I grabbed the mason jar once again.
 “Here you go. I hope you like it.” 

“I’m sure I will. Because you made it.” 

I rolled my eyes and said, “Shut up. Okay… I have to go now.” 

“Alright. Text me later. Bye.” 

I went to work, did the usual - bathed my cousin and helped him with his homework - and then left to the movie theater. 
 My parents were already there waiting for me so we could watch the new Power Rangers movie. 
I’ve been wanting to watch it since the day it came out! 
I can’t believe it took me almost two full weeks to finally watch it. 
 I liked it.
 It could’ve been better to be honest and I was kind of upset that they only played the “Power Rangers Theme Song” once in the entire movie - and when they did, it was poorly placed and I could barely hear it over all the action! Disappointing… 
It’s the damn theme song for christ sakes. 
 I rate it 7/10. 
 Afterward, I texted Josh. “Hey, what are you doing? I just got out of the movie.”
 “I’m at Texas Roadhouse with Daniel. We just got here. The one by your house. Sabrina is on her way. Why don’t you join us? It’s like Daniel’s pre-birthday dinner, I guess.” “Haha. Alright. I’ll be right there.”
 It didn’t take me long to get there from the theater. 
I walked in and I see Josh immediately. 
We meet each other’s gaze and just smiled. 
 His cousin, Daniel, was sitting facing away from the entrance, so I didn’t see him until I walked up to the table. I greeted him first with a hug and said, “I know it’s not your birthday yet, but I probably won’t see you or talk to you on the day of, so happy birthday!”
 “Aww. Thank you so much. I’m a little tipsy right now to be honest.” 

“Good for you.” I laughed. 
 I gave Josh a hug too before I sat across him and next to his cousin. 
 Sabrina wasn’t there yet, but when the waiter - who was obviously gay - came to the table  to ask what I wanted to eat, I ordered anyway. 
 I asked for a sirloin steak with a loaded baked potato and buttered corn. 
Before the food came out, Sabrina showed up. 
She’s a lot shorter than I remember (I guess I was too drunk to notice the first time I met her), but she’s really pretty with a nice smile. 
I like her for Josh, but seeing him with another girl gets me a little jealous. 
 Okay, maybe a lot jealous. 
It’s whatever; I just want him to be happy. 

 The food came out. 
The sides were delicious, but the steak wasn’t that great. 
 The outside of the meat felt very dry and tough and burned; which was odd because I asked for the meat to be cooked medium done. 
 Anyway…
 The night went on. 
I talked a lot. I laughed a lot. I flirted a lot - with the waiter. And I tried my best to refrain from insider gay jokes with Josh in front of his new girl. 
I didn’t want to embarrass him. 
 Although, I did do it once (I had to). The restaurant has peanuts in these buckets on every table. 
Josh had some on his plate all cracked and eaten except for one. 
There was one peanut left. 
He and Sabrina kept talking about it, I don’t know why they were to be honest. 
They just kept fighting over who was going to eat the last one I guess. 
So, I thought it was the perfect time to say my prude joke of the night. 
I pointed at it and said, “Oh hey Josh, if you don’t want it, I’ll take one of your nuts. I mean, I’d like two of your nuts. But one is fine!”
 Everyone laughed, including him.
 “Shut up!” He said as he continued to laugh.  
 Shortly after this happened, I randomly felt something touching my leg. 
 It took me awhile to realize it was Josh rubbing his foot against me. 
 Sabrina was talking to him while he was doing this to me and he was just looking at her, admiring her beauty. 
 I thought it was pretty hot and naughty to be honest. 
 Meanwhile, I was scrolling through Tumblr and found this picture that read, God Saw You Do That. 
I bursted out laughing; I almost cackled, but I’m glad I didn’t because that would’ve been embarrassing. 
 Thankfully, only Daniel asked what I was laughing at. 
 I just thought it was so funny - the timing of it all and what Josh was doing to me. 
It was hot being his dirty little secret. The night was getting older, and the employees were starting to close up the restaurant. 
We asked for the check, paid, and walked outside. 
I said bye to everyone, told Daniel “happy birthday” one more time and left home. I changed into more comfortable clothes and sat down on my bed. 
I remembered I never checked what I got on my Management exam, so I took out my phone and logged into my Blackboard account. 
A sixty-eight. 
Lovely…
 I should really study more often. Now, I’m just listening to music and writing to you. 
It’s passed midnight. 
I don’t mind that it’s so late because I have nothing to do in the morning. 
I am in no rush to do anything tomorrow since I’ve been so tired these past few days. 
 The only plan I have for the morning - or whenever I decide to wake up - is to go for a jog. 
I just hope the weather tomorrow is just as nice as it was today. 
 Until next time… Love always, Alex

[tebbyclinic11]

I Hid Who I Was for So Long. Until I Became a Cook...

New Post has been published on http://kitchengadgetsreviews.com/i-hid-who-i-was-for-so-long-until-i-became-a-cook/

I Hid Who I Was for So Long. Until I Became a Cook...

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I was a curly-haired, wide-eyed toddler with a big smile, and I was mute. My parents, worried that their three-year-old had yet to say a word, took me to a speech therapist, only to find out there was nothing wrong. I simply was not ready to speak. I couldn’t yet open myself up to the world.

Soon I learned to say made-up words, like gheneh for ice cream and hom hom for food. By the time I was four I could speak well enough to ask for the birthday gift of my dreams: a Fisher-Price kitchen. Standing at my bright white plastic countertop with its yellow sink and pink cookware, I thought I was a petite Jacques Pépin. You have to understand: I didn’t watch Power Rangers; I sat in front of the TV mesmerized by Pépin and Julia Child and Martin Yan on Yan Can Cook.

When I was still light enough to be picked up and set on the kitchen counter, I’d gaze at my mother as she combined spices from unlabeled jars to create dishes she had learned from her mother in Iran—ones that I would eventually learn from her. I’d watch as she went through the meticulous steps of making polo, fluffy Persian rice, before tossing it with saffron that had been bloomed in rose water. In the summer my eyes would tingle and begin to water from the harsh smell of vinegar all over the house, as my father and my grandparents would make torshi, Iranian pickles. Food, and cooking in particular, is what my parents brought with them when they emigrated from Iran to Berkeley, California, in 1977, 12 years before I was born. I remember the charred, lacy texture of piaz dagh—literally “hot onions.” I was in awe of the rich colors of the thick, glossy fruit jams my dad would make. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was the beginning of my education as a cook.

When I started to experiment in the kitchen in my preteens, I wasn’t making anything complicated. My idea of fancy was topping a frozen pizza with sun-dried tomatoes and fresh basil. By the time I was 15, my cooking got more elaborate. I began studying cookbooks and making labor-intensive dinners: artichoke soup with tomato confit one night, roasted quail stuffed with pine nuts and currants another.

After the love I had for my mother, food became my second love. It turned into an obsession. But not until recently did I realize that it is what allowed me to figure out who I am.

Photo by Fatemeh Baraghani

Little Andy celebrates Nowruz, Persian New Year, in style.

When I started kindergarten I was a painfully quiet boy with a deep love for a particular purple turtleneck sweater, little interest in sports, and zero desire to kiss girls. While I didn’t know the exact term, I knew I was gay—and I was picked on at school because of that for years.

I was six years old when I got chased for the first time by a group of boys with sticks.

I was eight years old when I realized I was the only boy at an all-girls birthday party.

I was nine years old when a group of laughing boys locked me in a bathroom stall, and I just hoped no adult would find me, to avoid any further embarrassment.

I was 12 when I ran faster than any other boy in a race. I’d had plenty of practice.

I could barely say aloud the words that I was being called. If I repeated them, I would be calling myself that, revealing my sexuality for the first time.

Finally, when I was 12, I transferred to a new school district where I didn’t know anyone. It was my Madonna Ray of Light/Kabbalah moment: a time to rebrand. I changed the way I dressed; I tamed my thick black hair. I became a master at hiding my sexuality.

By the time I finished high school, I had already worked in three restaurants, including Chez Panisse. At the time there was a sous-chef at the café upstairs who was gay: He was calm and quiet and strong, and he was an exceptional cook. There was no tolerance for dismissive or negative behavior toward anyone for their gender, sexuality, or race. I remember a male line cook being fired after saying to a woman who was interning, “Just sit over there and look pretty.” Chez Panisse showed me that a kitchen was a place where I could belong.

Photo by Alex Lau

Get Andy’s recipe for tachin, Crunchy Baked Saffron Rice with Barberries.

That is, to this day, the only restaurant kitchen I’ve worked in alongside another out gay man on the line. While the restaurants I cooked at were male-led, they weren’t exactly environments that encouraged me to come out. But I liked being part of a team, working toward a common goal: We were all there to make food that was as delicious as possible. I liked wearing a uniform. But more than anything, I liked feeling, for the first time, that I was being judged on my skills and nothing else. And as I became more confident as a cook— gliding swiftly and efficiently at my station, tasting a dish to decipher whether it might need more salt or acid—I began to accept my sexuality both within and outside of that space.

When I moved to New York for college, I met someone who would become my first boyfriend, and there was no turning back. We were each other’s first boyfriends, and, like many other young people in love, I thought that my first relationship would be an everlasting one. With his help I came out to my mother. But I wasn’t ready to come out to my dad, and I asked my mother not to tell him. She kept that secret for what must have been a year and a half.

When I finally told my dad, I didn’t say, “I’m gay.” I said, “I’m seeing a man.” He said, “No matter what, I’ve always wanted you and your sister to be happy and healthy.” I thought I would feel a huge weight lifted after coming out to my dad, but it doesn’t really happen like that.

A year later I was in front of the historic Stonewall Inn in New York the day gay marriage became legal. I don’t know how we all ended up there—hundreds of people celebrating in the late afternoon. I just remember everyone texting each other: When are you getting there, how are you getting there, are you leaving work early? I was 21 years old; it wasn’t like I was planning to get married any time soon. I just knew I needed to be there.

In the middle of this, I got a call from my father. I’m not even sure why I answered at that moment (rather than calling him back later) because typically he just likes to check in and make sure I’m dressed warmly enough. But that day was different. He said he didn’t want to hold me up; he just wanted to hear my voice and say that he knew it was a big day for us in New York. I spoke to him for barely a minute. He said so little, but it was everything I needed to hear.

Photo by Fatemeh Baraghani

Four-year-old Andy and his prize possession: a Fisher-Price kitchen.

By the time I turned 21, I had found my sexuality and my career. But there was another part of my identity that took longer to figure out. To explain it, I have to rewind back to grade school, to the morning of September 11, 2001. Watching the news, I had no idea what the consequences of that day were going to be. In the years that followed, I became, for the first time in my life, highly aware of my ethnicity. As an adolescent, I no longer stood out because of my sexuality but instead for my coarse hair, my olive skin, my thick eyebrows, my full beard. I had Iranian painted all over me. The name-calling started again, but this time it wasn’t “he/she,” “gay,” or “girl,” but instead “terrorist,” “sideburns,” “durka.”

I learned early on that since my last name began with a B, I’d be one of the first people on the list during roll call. Well, I guess I should tell you now: My real name is Andisheh, not Andy. Every year, on the first day of school, I could see my teacher hesitate when pronouncing my name: “Ahhnnn…” I’d quickly cut the teacher off and say, “Andy is fine.” From middle school into college: “Andy’s fine.” I’m surprised no one ever called me “Andysfine.”

I began to throw away my lunches; I didn’t want anyone to ask what was in them. No more kuku, my mother’s Persian herb frittata; no more kalbas sandwiches: all-beef mortadella wrapped in lavash bread. I would ask my parents not to drop me off close to school in fear that my peers would see their brown skin or hear their accents. When it came to the beard that appeared on my 12-year-old face, I shaved every day and stole a bit of my mother’s foundation to cover it up. I started telling people I had some Italian in me. My last name Bar-a-gha-nee became Ber-e-ghee-nee. I invested in a T-shirt that read ITALIAN STALLION; it would later become infamous among my best friends. Even when it came to my first love in New York, I initially told him I was only half Iranian, which was a partial truth that freed me from being entirely associated with my heritage.

Around this time I interned in the test kitchen at Saveur. The editor in chief at the time, James Oseland, and the executive food editor, Todd Coleman, told me they were going to do a story on Iran. My first thought was: That is just an awful idea. This was 2010. Tensions were high between the U.S. and Iran, where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was president at the time. After all that time spent working my way up in restaurants, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be associated with Iranian food. Ever since I was a gutsy 16-year-old working up the courage to ask the staff at Chez Panisse if I could help out on Friday nights, I’d been dedicated to mastering a particular style of cooking. My most recent stints had been at the fine-dining restaurant Corton and a Scandi pop-up called Frej. Iranian food was what I’d grown up on, but I had worked so hard to get away from it.

James and Todd asked me to help develop the recipes for the Iran story. While I had eaten Iranian food nearly every day growing up, I didn’t actually know the processes and traditions. I was familiar with saffron and barberries, but I couldn’t prepare any of the fragrant stews or elaborate rice dishes that serve as the backbone of the cuisine. So for the next three weeks, I called my mom almost every day and talked to her for hours, translating her “handfuls” and “pinches” to cups and teaspoons, re-creating her recipes in the test kitchen. Eventually, about ten of the final recipes that appeared in the issue were adapted from my mother’s. Saveur published a piece titled “Behind the Iran Story”; it was a letter dedicated to my mother and me, in which Todd thanked us for our contributions and said that the story couldn’t have happened without us. When the issue came out, people both in and out of the food industry embraced it and reached out to me, thanking me for shedding some light on the cuisine. My shame began to recede.

Photo by Alex Lau

Not quite the same as his father’s torshi, but Andy makes Hot-Pink Pearl Onion Pickles.

While I still had a ways to go, for the first time in almost a decade, I felt drawn to the food and culture I had put aside. My Iranian-ness was no longer something to be embarrassed by. I started a pop-up inside my Brooklyn apartment, where I cooked Iranian dishes that I grew up on and ones I had never heard of. These dinners, definitely not approved by the health department, began to sell out rapidly.

When I started working at Bon Appétit a little more than two years ago, I had the same feeling as when I got that Fisher-Price kitchen: in slight disbelief yet overcome with joy. But that first year, while my excitement was still high, I wasn’t happy with the work I was putting out. I was the new kid—the baby—and I could barely get a full thought across without my nerves creeping up and taking over. I struggled to find my voice, my point of view. My lack of confidence was inhibiting me from creating the food I wanted to cook; it got to the point where something as seemingly simple as developing peach dessert recipes became paralyzing.

So as nice as it would be for this story to end with that Iran feature or getting my dream job at Bon Appétit, the truth is that I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s not always steady progress. For as many moments of clarity as there have been, there have been periods of shame and confusion and out-of-season peaches. All I can do to move through them is to try to set my doubts aside, get back to the kitchen, and cook.

Listen to Andy read his essay on the Bon Appétit Foodcast:

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Top 5 Woman-Crush-Wednesday's

Anyone remember my blog post on the Top 5 Man Crush Monday's? Remember how I said I would write a post in the next couple of days? Well a year has past and still haven't done it, so what the heck. Better late that never.

Moving from 2016 to 2017, I'm still the same Joe. The s*** with money, power ranger obsessed Joe. But with a touch more sass. Well I think so anyway. And recently I have been admiring a few female stars with what they've achieved and their talent. Which is why not so long ago I created the slogan GGL. GGL stands for Gay Girl Love. This is for when a gay man (such as myself) really likes a female person for multiple reasons such as their hair, voice, stuff they appeared or worked for etc. Multiple traits that you really admire about one person. For example, Nicole Scherzinger. I think her voice is brilliant, her hair is always flawless, her song Poison is amazing and she was killing it in the music video. I love her for all that. More than just saying 'OMG I love her' but not in the way of really loving/ fancying her. So then I would say I have GGLs for Nicole. If that makes sense. So going back to the trend of WCW. WCW stands for Woman Crush Wednesday. This is exactly the same as Man Crush Monday but with Woman and on a Wednesday. I am obviously not the kind of guy who would use this hashtag to post pics on their social media of bikini models wearing only swimsuits showing off their boobs and butts (for an obvious reason which I've said 2/3 times already). But it doesn't mean I would ignore the hashtag. Just because I'm not attracted to women doesn't mean I think women are only good for showing off their body and absolutely nothing else. Women can do what men can do and vice versa. Equality, plain and simple. There are so many great people who have done some amazing things who are female. And despite not being attracted to them, I would use the WCW hashtag to show how incredible they are in what they've achieved. So this post is a list of my Top 5 most likely Woman Crush Wednesday's. I think these people are amazing and you'll find out why.

5. Poppy

https://youtu.be/xqH3KaW25AA

The person in the photo above (who's hair is amazing btw) is Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy.  She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. She's Poppy. Okay. That's enough. You are most likely to have skip read all of that but if you somehow decided to read all the sentences, how long did it take you? It took me 25 seconds which felt long enough to read 2 words. But imagine having two words said on and on for over 10 minutes, weird right. That didn't stop Poppy. Oh hell no! Poppy (also known as That Poppy) is an artist who has been known to make YouTube videos which weird the s*** out of everyone. One of her most popular videos is where she repeats herself saying "I'm Poppy" for over 10 minutes. And that's just one video. From interviewing a plant, to teaching you how to play the 'P' chord, to giving you a virtual hug and to loading a gun. There's a huge variety of weird. And I like that. Not your typical YouTuber, it's a fresh change. Especially since nobody knows much about her. Whether if this is all an act, what she is really like, if this is her actual personality, her age, interests. No one knows. But that doesn't stop a video of hers making you think. And you don't know what to think, you just do. From anything to everything. However, her videos are not why she made it in this list. The music she has released is incredible. Despite the videos being weird and probably full of hidden messages, the actual songs are simply beautiful. Examples include Lowlife, Money & I'm Poppy. Have a little listen for yourself and you'll see why she made the list.

4. Naomi Scott

http://www.lionsgatepublicity.com/theatrical/powerrangers/

There's obviously gonna be a Power Ranger in this list. It is me after all. Naomi Scott (who was also in the Disney Channel Original Movie 'Lemonade Mouth') plays Kimberly Heart, the Pink Ranger in the Power Rangers 2017 Reboot Movie. Based of the original 1993 character, Naomi does a brilliant job of bringing the character to life again with so much more depth. Not going into too much detail which could spoil the movie, her character has a brilliant way of teaching people that you can learn from the mistakes you make and just because you do a bad thing, it won't automatically make you a bad person. An important message, shown perfectly well. Not only just that, Naomi's character gives you so many moments that get you pumped in this movie too. There's scenes which makes you laugh, get excited, be shocked, and feel worried etc. There's even a scene where she walks down a staircase (pictured) and you can't help but think 'Yassss Queen, Slay That Staircase'. Or at least just me anyway. Simply said, the way she portrayed the character was on point, you can't help but love the new Mighty Morphin Pink Ranger.

3. Dove Cameron

http://www.game-ost.com/albums/87630/one_second_chance_from_%22liv_and_maddie_cali_style%22_-_single/

There maybe two in the picture but trust me, there is only one Dove!

Dove Cameron is a current Disney Channel Queen. Now don't get me wrong. I loved growing up with Disney Channel. My childhood dream was to be in front of a white backdrop holding a glow stick saying "I'm Joe Smith and you're watching Disney Channel" whilst drawing Mickey Mouse ears (if you don't know what I'm on about, watch this). High School Musical, Hannah Montana & That's So Raven. Those were the classics. I lost count how many times people who know me personally asked me if I knew about the Raven sequel series that's been announced. Of course I did. It's me. But it's safe to say that most things made after Season 2 of Shake It Up were pretty awful. To some, I'm even being generous by saying the first season of SIU was decent. I feel like I can safely say shows like Dog With A Blog and Ant Farm lost a generation of viewers. They lost comedy and Disney Channel spark. To me, the Disney Channel I knew was dead. But a couple of years later, the return of Cory and Topenga from Boy Meets Worlds sequel series Girl Meets World, brought me back to the channel. The show is special and brought back some magic of enjoyment like my younger self had from my DC days. I didn't even watch Boy Meets World but I could feel so much nostalgia and happy feelings from it as well. Because of this, I could watch other shows every now and then from around that time (such as I Didn't Do It, K.C. Undercover, Best Friends Whenever) and despite not enjoying them as much as the old shows (mainly because I'm [apparently] an adult and these are made for teens), they wouldn't be an unpleasant viewing. But not so long ago, I subscribed to Disney Life to binge watch the old shows as often as I wanted to. But there was one show I couldn't help but take a little look at. And that was Liv And Maddie. A few episodes passed and that was it. Turns out despite the immature comedy and easy to figure out plots sometimes, there's something about the show I really like. I don't know what it is but I really do enjoy watching Liv And Maddie. Liv And Maddie stars Dove Cameron as both Liv Rooney & Maddie Rooney. Identical twin sisters who are reunited and living together after Liv comes back home after filming her own TV show for quite a long time. Remember earlier how I said women are more than just here to look pretty and nothing else? Well Liv And Maddie deals with this topic really well. They bring up topics from guys ranking the girls from 0-10 just on their appearance, schools putting more money & care to boy sports teams than girl teams and female actors getting more questioned about what they wear than their time on making the show. Liv And Maddie just screams girl power, and it's done perfectly well. The show ran for three seasons and a fourth with the updated title Liv And Maddie: Cali Style (pictured above). The show has something unique about it (joining the small list of DC shows that got the 4th season renewal such as That's So Raven, Hannah Montana & Good Luck Charlie) and Dove does a brilliant job of bringing such big personalities to life in two characters with the way the show is made. But it's not just this show that makes Dove a Disney Channel Queen. She also is a Disney Villain... Kinda...

http://gattaracinefila.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/recensioni-di-descedants-i-guardiani.html

Dove also stars as Mal, Maleficent's daughter in the Disney Channel Original Movie Descendants. Not going into too much detail because I've talked about Dove a lot but this film is pretty decent. A story about the kids of Disney heroes & villains is gonna catch my interest. Kenny Ortega who directed High School Musical did this as well so I can use that as an alibi to prove it isn't awful. And soon there is going to be a sequel and I am really excited to see it. I haven't been excited to see a DCOM since Camp Rock 2. So that is why Dove is in the list. Mirror Mirror, on the wall, who's the baddest of them all? I'm not genuinely asking, it a quote from the movie. I felt like I needed to put it there.

2. Becky G

http://www.lionsgatepublicity.com/theatrical/powerrangers/

That's the longest I've ever gone not talking about Power Rangers. How did I mange that?! But carrying on with the list. Becky G is Number 2 on this list. She is a Pop Princess in the United States. Not that popular in the UK (yet), you may remember her collaboration with Cher Lloyd. But it's not just her music that puts her on this list. Like Naomi, Becky G plays Trini Kwan, the Yellow Ranger in the Power Rangers 2017 Reboot Movie. But Becky brings a change to her original 1993 character in such a great way and is a ranger you can really like. One of the things about her character is that she's gay. She admits this is in the movie and she talks about how she struggles moving home all the time and living with parents who want her to be perfect and how they believe in all these types of labels. And Becky's character deals with this topic in a small but brilliant way. Trini is the first openly gay Ranger in the whole PR universe and that's an amazing step forward. Power Rangers has been around for a long time and always been diverse with their many different cast members. The movies cast is also diverse and the fact that it's not just dealing with race but now sexuality as well, it's a brilliant thing. The cast and the way their characters are portrayed are done perfectly well. That's what makes Power Rangers a great movie. And Becky G plays a huge part in this, which is why I admire her.

1. Ariana Grande

http://gazettereview.com/2017/03/ariana-grande-net-worth/

Another Pop Princess makes the list and takes the crown as Number 1. Ariana Grande needs no introduction and if you don't know who she is, you've been living under a rock. Even though I'm not her biggest fan, I still have serious GGL's for Ariana. I loved watching her play the role of Cat Valentine in the Nickelodeon series Victorious. The not so smart but still so talented character was portrayed by Ariana really well. Watching the series during its original run even made me want to meet Cat so much, I wanted her to be a real person. Her character was brilliant and brought so much laughter to me when watching the series. But it's not just the role of Cat that makes me love Ariana. Her voice is incredible! From listening to some amazing songs like The Way, Bang Bang, Problem & Break Free, it just proves how amazing her voice is. Have a little listen for yourself and you are most likely to agree with me.

Just before Christmas 2016, Ariana took the role of Penny Pingleton in NBC's Hairspray Live! and like any acting job she takes, Ariana plays it perfectly well. Her verse in You Can't Stop The Beat is really enjoyable and you can't help but admire her collaboration with Dove Cameron (who is also in this TV Special) and Maddie Baillio for the song Mama, I'm A Big Girl Now. When watching the special, it's easy to see how much Ariana enjoyed playing the role of Penny and I much prefer her take on the character than the 2006 movie Penny. I can't help but love Ariana. So that concludes my Top 5 WCW. I'll do my best to post more on this blog since I do enjoy it but for now, thank you so much for spending time reading this and I hope you enjoyed it.

@josephsmithy101