#which like. why would they? the Specifics of cat genetics DO NOT matter that much in the Real Life to Normal People

[since-times-long-forgotten]

does anyone get unreasonably aggravated when they see someone calling a normal split-faced tortie as a chimera? like it literally couldn’t matter less, but it matters to ME, so I feel an overwhelming need to explain how no, that is NOT a chimera, that is a normal tortie, cat genetics just do that sometimes during x-inactivation because of bilateral symmetry. yippee!

[wizardsvslesbians]

It's time for another... Recommendation Masterpost (Winter 2024).

Anybody suggested Geoff Ryman's The Child Garden? It has The British Wizard Socialist Party, it has lesbians, it has revolution in the form of spitting out the pacifier of immortality, it has a genetically-engineered polar bear furry/weird little Phantom of the Opera figure who wants to defy expectations and become a singer & composer. No promises you'll love it (it was first published in 1989, for starters), but I think it'll give the two of you a lot to talk about.

Frankly this sounds amazing. I will at the very least crack it open.

This may not be mainline wizards vs lesbians (no lesbians (queer people are around (there's polyamory!)), although wizards are there (less one specific guy and more like... Themes. And people who can control earthquakes with their minds.)) But! The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin is one I read recently which blew my mind in the quality of the prose and the nuance of the worldbuilding and how unflinching the author is towards having horrible and traumatic things happen to her characters without having it be gratuitous in the slightest. That + the pov and tone felt like such a breath of fresh air to me as opposed to a lot of other scifi-fantasy I've read recently. I feel like there's a good bit that could potentially be said about it and I would be fascinated to hear your takes (I am avoiding looking up reviews because I don't want to spoil myself for the sequels). Other interesting things about it: 2nd person done well and effectively. Distinct lack of europe or even the spectre of generic medieval European fantasy. Pretty accurate science to the point where I can tell what the in-world scientists are getting wrong and what's going on in modern terms (like, ohhhh she's testing for heavy metal contamination. They don't call it that but you can figure it out.) Generally very well delivered worldbuilding, sort of dystopian-post apocalyptic but with undeniable fantasy elements and I would not be surprised if the second book veers into sci-fi. That sort of fun genre non-conforming thing. And also again very well written. I don't think it's perfect though, there's been better character work. Newish listener, I've been very much enjoying the podcast despite not really listening to podcasts, came for the excellent Scholomance opinions, stayed for the interesting discussions of other books I've either read or heard about.

I think we will probably have to get to N.K. Jemisin in some form at some point, and why not here. Thanks for listening!

Have you thought about doing Babel, by R. F. Kuang? No lesbians to speak of but definitely wizards. Seems incredibly in yalls wheelhouse

R.F. Kuang's Poppy War books tend to appear in wizards vs lesbians / lesbian space atrocities / glove kink cinematic universe lists, so, yeah, probably only a matter of time. This looks like a cat squasher, though, which may be an obstacle.

this isn't so much a recommendation for the podcast as another adaptation recommendation - i previously recommended the 2019 carmilla film dir emily harris, but i'd also like to recommend the 2023 graphic novel duology carmilla by amy chu and soo lee - definitely read both volumes though because it's not complete otherwise. it manages probably one of the only ways i can actually see a 'happy ending' for the titular character that doesn't drastically rewrite her or the story's premise (though that definitely isn't the main draw - it's about the chinese and asian comunity in new york and san francisco and the aids crisis in the 90s). it is tied with the 2019 film for my favourite adaptation.

AND

finally got around to listening to your carmilla episode and wanted to recommend (not for an episode...unless haha) my favourite adaptation because it's not too well known, which is the 2019 film "carmilla" directed by emily harris. it focuses a LOT on laura's internal psychology and captures a lot of the atmosphere of the novella that i've not seen other adaptations do, despite not really trying to be a faithful adaptation plot-wise

Noted! As we've said it is very hard to get us to sit down and do movies for the podcast but that may be changing soon...

okay you know the scene in aristocrats where all the cats are partying on a piano and the piano is crashing through every floor of the house? what if the wizard is that party crashing through floors of reality and the lesbians are a new mom and her situationship? anyway i really enjoyed “the last hour between worlds” by melissa caruso

Hi Seiya! You make a compelling case, as always.

Well if your expanding most of your definitions of wizards and lesbians. I first started listening when i played we know the devil about a year ago and was scrolling through tumblr snapping up every bit of content around it, and in that episode you mentioned heaven will be mine. You could try to say like earth is being a big evil wizard in a vague way, and then theres Iapetus but hes like a personification of like, scientific chauvinism? Maybe not scientific but how his mech is described as something that divides and categorizes makes me think it and now im on a tangent I have the worst girls brainworms and id like this podcast contribute to the worms wriggling in my skull Id love to see what your analysis comes up with

It is not beyond the realms of possibility that we could have L back on to talk about HWBM - Alexis would just have to play it first.

got a book rec- The Sapling Cage by Margaret Killjoy which pits our MC, a trans girl, and her fellow baby witches, all of whom are the scrungliest puppies, against the forces of (magic) environmental destruction. it reminded me VERY deeply of tortall (which i think the author was going for) and it was a fun, fast easy read

We've been looking for more trans stories. Tortall means nothing to me but probably something to Alexis, so that's a possible angle.

a final indulgence (and i think i’ve sent an ask about this before so please feel free to ignore if uninterested!): the neapolitan novels by elena ferrante are very dear to me but they’re almost wholly unwizleslike and so are not relevant to the show (though i would argue lila is a wizard and both leading women have a love and passion for each other that extends beyond friendship). have either of you read any of them and/or do you have thoughts?

We haven't. Italian litfic, huh? The guardian calls "my brilliant friend" the 11th best book since 2000, and who am I to say otherwise

i think metal from heaven has an audiobook now, if you guys wanna cover it

It's back on the list.

i've not read it, but i am VERY introgued by the tensorate quadrilogy of novellas by neon yang - the novellas have all been bound together as one medium size novel, so you might be okay with covering all four?

I seem to remember us bouncing off Neon Yang, but I'll stick in it the hopper.

short story recommendation: the witch sea by sarah diemer. it's a really interesting fairytale, and does qualify for wizlez i think

Thanks!

Just finished “Countess” by Suzan Palumbo which was a fantastic entry in the “the wizard is colonialism” sub sub genre. but in space. it’s a short one and i can’t decide if it should have been longer or if the novella length suited it better

Well, we do like it when things are short

i finally got around to finishing it and holy shit she ra and the princesses of power really lands like all of the lesbian space atrocities beats, i'm surprised you guys didn't cover it yet

We are aware of this. Usually we cover a cartoon every 25 episodes or so - not out of the question if we survive long enough

recommending Confessions of the Fox- it arguably has wizards in the same way that baru cormorant has wizards, & certainly lesbians although not the main character historical fiction about what if Jack Sheppard was transmasc and witnessing london in the midst of the enclosure of the commons & various social upheavals plus footnotes from a trans guy professor discovering the narrative as a lost manuscript in present day it would b really interesting to hear ur thoughts on this bcuz i think it is the worst written book that has nevertheless made me cry!! plus this is one of the early books contributing to the contemporary development of Trans Literature as a genre, sorta

Ah.. the worst written book that makes you cry is a genre unto itself, I think, and one we have historically enjoyed.

Thanks to everyone as always for sending in your recommendations! Even if we never get to them we still appreciate the thought and enjoy sharing your recs with other listeners.

[lilflowerpot]

Do you think it's possible that hybrid children survive because they have galra instincts?

Cuz like, all of the hybrids we have met so far have the galra instincts, some have stronger while others not so much.

I'm not sure WHY that would work but I don't know everything about the alien race of giant purple cat/Lizard people

I wouldn't say so, no?

Instincts are commonly defined as inborn complex patterns of behaviour that exist as a general rule across a species, distinguished from reflexes which are simple responses of an organism to a specific stimulus; a behaviour is considered instinctive if it is performed without being based upon prior experience (that is, in the absence of learning), and is therefore an expression of innate biological factors. A simple example of instinctual behaviour on Earth is the way in which baby sea turtles will immediately dig their way out of the sand and move directly towards the ocean upon hatching.

So far as this presents in the behaviour of young galra, kitlings will (1) instinctively cling to adult figures as protection from both predators and Daibazaal's harsh environment, (2) latch on to / feed from proffered nipples as the sole food source their bodies are capable of processing during early life, and (3) ingratiate themselves by way of particular trilling/chirruping vocalisations that trigger the parental instincts of any adult galra in range. In this regard, galra instincts do somewhat establish themselves as a determining factor of survival, as without being provided for, galra kitlings (hybrid or no) are not remotely equipped to weather their earliest decaphoebs. Culturally, however, if a galra adult were to be presented with a child of any species, their instincts would almost certainly drive them to protect and care for their young charge irrespective of whether said charge exhibits galra behaviour in return.

All that being said, a determining factor is not the determining factor.

Truthfully, the low survival rates of hybrid children predate the stage of life at which instincts come into play, as it's primarily a matter of unstable genetics rather than behaviour:

“Galra DNA is notorious for a unique genetic hostility when it comes to cross-species relations: even if a compatible parent species is found and successful conception occurs, the foetus often commits autosarcophagy as a sort of innate defence mechanism to eliminate that which it deems to be foreign genetic material. […] If it survives the gestation period, the child born is often of ill health and more than likely to experience a significantly reduced lifespan due to what - in short - manifests as an accelerated aging process.”

The hybrids that survive do so simply because the DNA of their non-galra parent species is deemed compatible by its galra counterpart—not so different that it's deemed a threat and so triggers that extreme "seek and destroy" aggression that is innate to galra DNA, but not so malleable that it folds completely and proves too weak to endure in the womb (let alone outside of it)—though even these rare few suffer from an acute necrosis that functionally halves their lifespan. Essentially, the fact that the hybrids we've seen all exhibit galra behaviour could be indicative of nature (as a consequence of their biology), nurture (all but Keith having been raised in within the Empire), or a combination of the two, but our pool of subjects is far too limited to draw a concrete conclusion.

[fortressofserenity]

Cartoons vs comics

A case of semantics (at least in the English language so far), where both terms technically and practically refer to the same thing. But I get the impression that it's nongeeks who're likelier to refer to newspaper comics as cartoons, which makes sense because newspaper comics are a type of cartoon. People who do newspaper cartoons are cartoonists, though arguably comic book artists are also cartoonists in a way.

It could be that they see those for what they really are, whereas geeks tend to refer to comic books as comics. But at times they kind of forget comic books' roots in cartooning, when I mean by that, some of the earliest comics artists were proper cartoonists. The overlap still exists in the realm of newspaper serial cartoons, but comic book cartooning is increasingly removed from this. Even though it does make sense to call Superman a cartoon character.

He didn't originate in live action, but cartoon strips really. Similar things can be said of other DC characters like Black Canary and Batman, they never originated in live action but cartooning and illustration. That's being honest in a way, though it's not something geeks tend to use and refer to comics as. But that would mean their idea of comics and cartooning is to treat the two as separate, even though comics is really just a subset of cartooning.

I guess calling comics cartoons implies that these kinds of comics don't have a large geeky audience, something in the lines of Cathy and Baby Blues would inevitably attract normal people. The Cathy and Baby Blues stories tend to revolve around normal lives, problems and situations, whether if it's Cathy's struggle to lose weight or to find love. As far as I remember the former more, that's what I get. But when it comes to comics, they semantically mean something else.

Something like the fantastical exploits of Superman, Batman and Spider-Man, the characters often indulge in colourful fights against villains. They can and do lead ordinary lives, but it's not the predominant focus of the story. It rarely ever is so and often tends to take a backseat to showy fights, though writers miss out on having Spider-Man pick up newspapers with his webs and he could distribute it to a lot of people.

But I guess it's easier to write fights after fights, instead of putting abilities to good use, in the sense that you could have a character pursue a life of weaving when they do weave webs like a spider would. You could have a pyrokinetic character dedicate themself to cooking, especially if they see no incentive to fight whatsoever. Though these stories are pretty rare, if they ever existed at all. But I guess this is why normal people don't read comics.

Let alone comic books, given the stories are almost always fistfights with fantastic skills, not so much stories where you could have weavers who make silk like what silkworms and spiders do. I suspect it speaks to a lack of wider references, as evidenced by how many times Batman has to fight the Joker, Poison Ivy and Mr Freeze. There are likely stories that depart from these, but they are few and far in-between. Rare even.

Although newspaper, book and magazine cartoons aren't any better at times, they do a better job at depicting a wider variety of subject matters. Sometimes these involves church cats, farm cats and the like, sometimes they involve takes on business and current events. But they're far less inbred than comic books are, which is saying. As if comic books are this nearly inbred subset of cartooning, an artistic version of genetic drift.

I feel this is exactly what happened to comic books after they've drifted further away from the greater tradition of cartooning, they've come to specialise a lot in something really specific. Like American comic books have gone from covering a real variety of topics and stories to catering a lot to a rarefied audience until recently, and even then despite how popular American football is it's Japan that's produced a comic book centred on this sport. It's called Eyeshield 21.

Talk about the lack of real storytelling diversity, when most comic books are largely things that interest geeks a lot. But when it comes to real storytelling diversity, newspaper and magazine cartoons have them beat.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2023 Not a very happy camper now. They've gone back to using the insanely loud garbage trucks, which is a definite threat to my sleep, no matter how loud I play the sound machine. I could only hear the other one when it was nearby, but this one I can hear all throughout the park.

Is going back to the loud mower next?

I'm still on for the lab next Tuesday. I just didn't click through all the pages, so that's why it didn't go through the first time around and I didn't get a confirmation.

Anyway, after I got up I was wishing Idalia's wind and rain would return to drown out the police helicopter that was circling round and round for over an hour last night. I don't know what was going on, but it was ridiculous. All I kept thinking was it's three in the morning and I need the sound machine on so I can concentrate on what I'm doing.

On the bright side, I've had more energy today than I've had in a while. We went to Publix and got some things done at home that we needed and wanted to do.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2023 Idalia is here! But all she’s bringing us is wind and rain. Looks like she’s going to hit the Big Bend area as a cat 4. They’re saying this will be a first. Global warming is having some scary effects at an alarmingly fast rate. It’s not even September and we’re already seeing a major hurricane. If we had extra money and I didn’t feel like shit so much of the time I wouldn’t mind going on a mini vacation if we were evacuated but I’m definitely concerned about being evacuated over the next couple of months as we trudge through the heart of hurricane season.

I have horrible fatigue still. I slept well and got up thinking I wasn’t too bad but by the time I showered and ate I was ready for a nap. This is ridiculous. I have to spend so much time in bed that I could be up living my life and doing things. Got a bad feeling my thyroid is the same or worse. If we can’t get my fucking body to absorb the medication, then what???

I’m not in the greatest shape but I’m not in horrible shape either with all the skiing I do. Yet yesterday, after boxing for the first time in a while, I was so wiped out. I had heavy fatigue and felt a little winded like my heart was racing. Really, really hope it’s just a matter of figuring out how to tweak my thyroid dose and not PAH! Tom thinks it’s likely on the thyroid. That and sleep apnea.

I made a lab appointment but never got a confirmation. I went back to the site and confirmed that there were no pending appointments for me so I have to deal with that. There’s going to be a whole shit ton of health work to do. There usually is but this is going to be more than usual and I can’t just schedule appts. I have to play form too, which takes forever.

The only thing I don’t get is why they keep sending me so far from home when giving me referrals. They asked and I told them I wanted to go to a specific imaging place near our house yet they want to send me all the way to Chapel Hill. And why do I have to go all the way to Land O’Lakes to see a cardiologist? You mean to tell me there isn’t one closer?

So more than likely we’re going to have to pick our own doctors. This way it’s easier to try to get female doctors and avoid foreigners I may have a hard time understanding. So I’m going to have to go to the lab, to a cardiologist, to the imaging center, and then possibly to a genetic counselor unless I can confirm 23andMe has the information I need to know as to whether or not I’m automatically doomed to get breast cancer. We’re pretty sure I don’t have that gene. That’s a good thing because that would mean needing a double mastectomy. I definitely wouldn’t mind giving these boobies up because they’re way too big but I really don’t want to go under the knife again.

Jessie finally told me that she uses Kindra for dryness. Not surprisingly, it’s rather pricey. I haven’t had much burning in a while and therefore I haven’t used the suppositories. I only use them as needed. I just want my energy back so bad!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2023 Yesterday we went from having a hurricane watch to a hurricane warning. Things are closed for the rest of the month, and Tom may not be able to get the cancerous spot on his forehead taken care of tomorrow as scheduled.

The airport closed at midnight. Not having to listen to one plane after another starting about now is fine with me. What's not is the possibility of being evacuated even though it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point. If we weren't in debt and I was healthier, I would be okay with it. We would have to head south, though, because this one's going north of us.

We had some thunder earlier but no rain. The weather app on my computer said it was 10 miles away. They say Idalia is 425 miles away.

The video meeting with the doctor went better than expected yesterday. She was on time, young, friendly, and listened very intently to my concerns. She was also very thorough. I'm going to be having a ton of testing done. It was funny because at one point she told me to hang on a second because she had to deal with one of the dogs she was fostering and when I told her we had a pet rat she got all excited and wanted to see her. She was sleeping at that moment but at the end of our meeting, she got to meet Tinkerbella.

This doctor was in Chicago and plans to come to the state to visit her mother soon.

So we discussed my two main problems and that's getting my thyroid numbers normal without feeling horrible though she agrees that 6-9 could be my personal normal.

Then the other problem of fatigue. On the 5th I'll be going to the lab for a full panel of blood work as well as AI testing for other autoimmune diseases I could have like RA, Sjogren's, etc. I will also need to go for an echocardiogram, the mammogram I wasn't going to go for, and genetic testing. Being Jewish puts me at a higher risk of getting breast cancer and I guess through genetic testing they can better assess your risk. We're going to check 23andMe and see if that was tested or not. Tom thinks it was and that I didn't have that mutation.

They may also have me wear one of those Holter heart monitors for a while too. She said it was great that I was so prepared for our meeting and knew exactly what I wanted to ask and all that. Yeah, because the doctors in California were so unhelpful that I learned to get my own information.

No anxiety yesterday and none so far today but I'm not ready to think the spell is over yet. Usually, when it's that noticeable it's not just for a few days. I still worry I could be on the verge of another spell that lasts for weeks or even months.

I woke up tired today, as usual, but for once, when I ended up napping shortly after, I actually woke up feeling more refreshed.

More than likely, I will be starting blood pressure medicine. Yes, I am still prone to side effects but if it's going to help with the fatigue, I'm willing to try anything. It will probably be Losartan, which he's taking. What sucks is that I can't use the wrist cuff anymore because it's not as accurate to get a record of how it is over the next two weeks as they want. I've been afraid to use his arm cuff because I know how tight it gets, but I'm gonna have to muster up a little courage. Too many years of prolonged elevated blood pressure can mess with my heart and kidneys if it hasn't already.

My biggest concern is that I may have PAH and she thinks there's a chance I could. The thing is that even with treatment which can slow the progression of the disease, the prognosis isn't the greatest. I wouldn't be dying next year or the year after, but I may not make it beyond a decade. But hey, I live for however long I live. That's not what's important. What's important is how I feel.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28, 2023 Yesterday was another shitty day in that I was anxious. I hope Tom’s theory is correct and that it’s just residual effects from adding vitamin D. It’s true that when you cut back, your TSH drops instantly but you don’t feel better right away. That’s why I felt like shit going to Orlando last year after the last time my thyroid was overloaded.

I took a full hydroxyzine tablet and it did lessen my symptoms but not without knocking me out and causing me to sleep a whopping 10 hours and 20 minutes. Been horribly groggy since getting up. I’m definitely not anxious today but I’ll be spending a lot of time in bed until my 8:00 a.m. video appointment with a Galileo doc, even though I don’t want to of course.

I’ve done some things. I did a few jobs and cooked myself a skillet of quinoa, brown rice, spinach, chickpeas, and chicken tenders.

Jessie says that in Europe they have natural thyroid enzymes that she believes are from sheep. I would think that would cause the same problem as thyroid extracted from pigs causes, though, with the inconsistency in dosing.

I asked her what she’s using for dryness and she won’t tell me. Instead, she said the same thing she says when I ask about her thyroid numbers; that she has to look. Like she really can’t remember? I think it’s probably that old Facebook paranoia some people have since Facebook doesn’t believe in privacy. Why else would she be so secretive about these things?

I had to disable public comments on my other Facebook profile where I’m sharing journals because for some reason I couldn’t pull them up. I would get a notification but then when I would click on it, nothing would happen. So unless they commented or reacted on one of the last few posts, I would have to scroll through hundreds of posts that I would rather not scroll through.

Wondering how much we’re going to be affected by Hurricane Idalia which is now expected to hit Florida as a category 3. I don’t think we’ll get a direct hit but I do expect some wind and rain. It’s a little soon to know for sure. Right now there’s an official hurricane watch in effect but not a hurricane warning.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 2023 OMG, for the THIRD time in barely a month, the water was off. I see a definite pattern forming here and I wonder if it's just a matter of time before I'm going to have to shower at night only, just like at the old place, to avoid getting the water turned off on me while I'm in the shower.

What's next to catch up to this place? Loud traffic? Projects every few days? Daily landscaping?

DeSatan says all Gulfers should have hurricane kits ready and available. People in this area say it's one of the safest from hurricanes, and they only get evacuated once a decade. I know global warming is changing things, but I would be really surprised if we were evacuated two years in a row. It's too soon to know for sure what's going on but last I heard, the cone was aimed at the panhandle.

Andy, Judy, and a cousin are thinking of coming down here and want to fly into Fort Myers, spend a few days with the cousin's daughter, and then shoot over to New Port Richey to see Gary and his wife Jenny. He asked Tom to calculate how many miles it was to our place from there because the three of them want to spend the day with us.

I told him I didn't have to ask Tom what I could ask Alexa and that I knew it was very close. However, he has to keep in mind that there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have to sleep or something would be going on with us if we had an appointment or something. Furthermore, we would prefer to meet at a restaurant and not at the house. The house is just so damn small and I don't even know the cousin. Also, I don't want to have to rearrange the place to hide things I don't want seen.

The thing is that Andy's not a very supportive person, and he has a memory that makes mine seem like it's still great so I don't know if he'll understand or be willing to meet us there, but we'll find out. I knew this day would eventually come, though. I just thought it would be him coming down by himself. I don't mind just him being here, and I told him that too.

To be honest, there's a part of me that regrets reconnecting with him not just before we left for Florida, but back in Jesse's trailer. We do have a lot of fun memories together and he has changed in some ways, but there's still a part of him that is non-empathetic, non-understanding, judgmental, and selfish. Like most people, his basic personality hasn't changed throughout the years.

I also have mixed emotions about seeing Judy. Sure, I would love to see her. She's a great lady. But she also has a big mouth and is nosy. I feel like she too, would do nothing but pry and judge me for my ways and go on and on about how and why I should change.

Then there's the stupidity, or at least the lack of ability to understand. I've gone over my sleep disorder a number of times with Helen and not even she gets it. She's getting it mixed up with delayed sleep phase and narcolepsy. This is such a complex issue for people to grasp, apparently, because it's rare.

Grammarly used to be fun to use, but now it's gotten to be a pain in the ass. I've complained and complained about the begging and having my train of thought disrupted by having to click out of windows begging me to pay up and again I've asked why they bother having a free option if they want money that bad. People should either be allowed to use things for free without being harassed while they're at it or there shouldn't be a free option. Yet it's gotten much worse with them. All they do is say they'll tell their developers, but the greedy bastards obviously don't care and are gonna do what they're gonna do.

Although it isn't as good, I'm going to use spelling and grammar checkers that are built into the browser and MS Word. At least there I know I'm not going to get pestered with regular begging. I can't expect to be 100% correct all the time anyway, especially with all the content I've written. I've got to get out of the habit of publishing stuff and then deleting it so I can correct it and republish it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 2023 Since you can now create as many profiles in any name you want on Facebook, I created one for my journal since Facebook doesn’t delete nonactive accounts and it can live on as a memoir for future generations - if there are any future generations - to see how life was in these times.

I blocked some of my Facebook friends but there are no guarantees it won’t be suggested to them if they have other accounts I don’t know about. That’s one thing I hate about Facebook is how they suggest things that not everyone wants suggested. I'm willing to take a chance, though. Andy’s most likely to have accounts I don’t know about. Jessie has another account, and I would never have known it if it wasn’t suggested to me. It was obvious, though, that it was her because it was a variation of her name with the same profile picture. It won’t be the end of the world if it’s found, but I would prefer to keep it from park people and anyone I may write about, including Jessie.

If Andy has a “normal” account with a profile picture I wouldn’t think to associate him with, it could have been suggested to me in the past but I didn’t know it was him. I don’t accept suggestions, though. I won’t let anyone in unless I know who it is.

Helen and I met yesterday and talked about how I miss some of the old feelings I used to have. She seems to think I need to get out and socialize more, which a lot of people have suggested to me over the years. I just don't feel the need to be a social butterfly, though. However, this doesn't mean that I don't miss having more people that are family or like family around that aren't toxic. Or at least that wasn't as toxic as my family was like his parents and his sister, etc. It still would be nice to have Jessie nearby.

I also asked her personal opinion on reaching out to those who never reach out to me first. People that only respond to my messages like Christiane. I also gave her a crash course on a certain somebody who also likes to write and she agrees that the constant account deletion and creation is a definite sign of instability along with other things. I've caught this person in lies, they've involved other people in our issues, and they sure are a hypocrite. As in no lurking, even though that's all they do.

She agrees that if I've made myself clear as to wanting to hear from them at times and for them to take the initiative on their own to contact me or comment on some of my stuff but they never do, It's probably time to make a clean break. Yeah, one of them may be highly intelligent. And yeah, I'm flattered that that person has followed me religiously and seems to take a great interest in my life but I think it's time to have a little self-respect and not reach out to those who never cared to do the same on their own.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 2023 I slept better, but damn was last night kinda shitty. I was in a horrible mood and devoid of energy too, of course. I have more energy tonight because my sleep didn't get broken up like the last couple of times but it's going to be a very long night for me. That's because I won't be meeting with Helen until bedtime. Well, technically, I'll be finishing up at bedtime. Since I can't just jump in bed and fall asleep right when we're done and need to unwind a bit, I'll probably be up 17 to 18 hours, which means automatic fatigue tomorrow.

Back to being on the cool side and no sign of anxiety or mindfuckers or anything bad. So yeah, there was something about the vitamin D’s. Doesn’t mean I’m home-free just yet, though, on the dose increase because it hasn’t been 6 weeks. But with the D’s out of the picture, it’s looking good. There was something about it that made me feel the symptoms of going hyper even though I agree that my numbers aren’t likely that low yet. I’m probably 12-13 now.

Good God, what's the point of being able to enjoy the few hours off from commercial planes if I'm just gonna get slammed with helicopters instead? This is the fifth fucking one. They seem to be worse on Friday nights.

Anyway, in finishing up yesterday's health work, I checked out the links my docs recommended and saw a full list of side effects for Ramelteon and said, "No way!"

It can cause suicidal thoughts and I'm not going to go through that hell again like I did with an asthma inhaler I once took in the 90s and then the Prozac in 2015.

So I told them I wasn't interested and they said there was another drug approved for N24 that did not include suicidal thoughts called Hetlioz. The main highlights as far as its side effects go are nightmares, drowsiness, headaches, respiratory issues, UTI infections, and a few other things. Well, I'm tired a lot and have nightmares anyway and I could take ibuprofen or something like that for headaches, so if I didn't get anything worse, it may be worth it but that's only if I can get it. I'm gonna have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get approval for financial assistance being low income and all that. Who knows how many in-person appointments I may have to have too? If it could work without debilitating side effects, it would be worth it, though I still have my doubts. I still feel like I'm not meant to have a schedule. I just wish I knew if it was by chance or design.

If I believed in design for certain, I would start to wonder if something really wanted me to make it to the endo appointment, after all, because the light therapy does seem to be slowing my schedule from jumping as fast. That's why it's gonna be a long day today. When I made my appointment with Helen, I expected to be getting up 5-6 hours later than I did.

Jessie was telling me about the job she got with the State recently and how she and Bella are very prone to side effects. She said that as long as I'm not like them, don't assume I'm gonna get the side effects just because others do.

But I am like them. I just think the words side effects and I get them so I'm sure I'll get something. It's just a matter of whether or not it's anything I can put up with.

She understood my reluctance to go with Ramelteon, pointing out that many mental health drugs alter body chemistry and stuff like that.

Well, yeah, when you suddenly want to up and kill yourself, even though your life is fine, that's a big red flag right there.

She also said that a doctor gave Bella medication for nausea one time which gave her horrible anxiety. Not surprisingly, her doctor tried to tell her she was “just anxious.”

Jessie was given a monthly injection one time for her migraines which gave her palpitations and dizziness. She complained to her doctor who denied that these were side effects. But then when she contacted the company that made the stuff, they confirmed that yes, they were side effects. The doctor then called and blasted her out for calling the company.

With my past experiences, I can totally relate to the hell they've suffered! The medical gaslighting in this country is horrible. Doctors are sworn to do no harm yet they intentionally deny side effects to make their jobs easier. And nowadays many of them won't give health care to women who need it because of the fucking SCOTUS. It still angers me to this day, even after all these years, that none of the California doctors, except for my GYN who didn't have to deal with that aspect of my health, would believe that levothyroxine can make me anxious. Well, I'm sure they believed it. They just didn't want to work to find me an alternative or at least seek out a dose appropriate for me and not what their numbers required. After all, what reason would anyone have to insist something wasn't normal for them if it was? Doctors are supposed to be smart, and therefore they should know better. No one has anything to gain by complaining of side effects just for fun.

Jessie says she wishes she'd known we were going to move to Florida because there are affordable places near her where you don't pay rent like we do here. Yeah, but what's affordable to most isn't exactly affordable to us. We're that low-income these days. He's not going back to work for fun.

I wish I had known she was gonna move down here because I definitely would have focused more on her area. But we focused on the Gulf because it's cheaper and a little safer from hurricanes depending on where you are. Like it or not, we're likely locked in for life and for the first time in my life, I don't want to move unless we get rich and have plenty of options. Yes, I would have loved to be near her but it could be worse. The only things that keeps this place from being less than perfect is that we don't have a great view of a lake or the ocean as I would have liked as that's too expensive, it's too small, and we're in a flight path. But Jessie, along with most of the world, is also in a flight path. She just doesn't mind. So unless something bad happens around here, I don't see us going anywhere unless we ever need assisted living.

I didn't watch it, of course, but I saw the highlights of the Republican debate, and they weren't the least bit surprising. Especially with Pence promising to work tirelessly at continuing to strip women of more and more rights and make it more difficult and costlier for them to receive health care.

Had a power failure late last night for about an hour. I'm guessing they were working on something because there weren't any storms going on.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 24, 2023 Having one of the shittiest days I've had in a while. I'm worse than fatigued, but having mild anxiety as well. I noticed over the last few days that the hypo symptoms were backing off. But now, except for fatigue, they’re starting to do a complete 180 on me as the side effects slowly trickle back in. I kept waking up a million times and was on fire. I'm poopy and can feel waves of adrenaline beneath the surface threatening to bubble up.

I let Galileo know, and we agreed to stop the vitamin D. They're gonna check back in with me in a few days and if that's not enough and I’m still having symptoms, I'll have to scale my dose back.

I forgot that for some reason, Jessie won't tell me what her thyroid numbers are since her dose was decreased, yet I asked again earlier. If I wasn't having memory issues, I would have remembered and known that she would just tell me she would have to check but of course, she wouldn't. All she's told me is that she's been tired and hungrier. Because of this, I was curious as to what her last reading was. I have no idea why she's so secretive about this, but she is.

I just had a horrible thought. Well, how I’m feeling right now answers my question as to whether or not I can get used to tolerating lower TSH numbers by getting less tolerant of higher ones. The answer is obviously no. What worries me is that I may not even be able to stand to be between 6-9 without horrible fatigue, assuming a CPAP doesn’t help, yet unable to get my TSH any lower without side effects from the med. That would really leave me in a bind! It could still be the med causing it or chronic fatigue. I just have a bad feeling fatigue is going to be a regular part of the rest of my life.

Why do I also keep feeling like something up there wants me to suffer for most of my life? My God, just give me something that will kill me if you hate me that much!!!

I forgot to mention that I slept through the mower the other day, even though the side panel was down. This likely means that when the honker returns, I should be OK because even though the motorcycle is louder, it's further away.

To say that they're rude assholes in the house behind him is an understatement! I was checking out the camera and I watched the bitch back her car out (she has a single-wide carport) while loverboy fired up his motorcycle and revved it into the street, continued to sit there revving it while she pulled the car in, then got out to hug him goodbye before he roared off.

The correct thing to do would have been to say their goodbyes FIRST, then for her to back out, then for him to turn the damn thing on WITHOUT revving it, and then simply take off. But no, everybody's got to put on a show, or at least not give a shit about those around them.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2023 So much for giving up on my health although I did try to convince myself not to bother since I'm not getting anywhere. Yet I reached out to my docs and let them know the vitamins D and B-12 weren't helping with energy levels and asked about a full panel of blood work. So they decided to do a yearly wellness thing with me since it’s been since 2021 that I had a complete physical. This will be a virtual appointment for 20 minutes where we discuss my family medical history, my current symptoms, and what blood work and preventative testing they think I should undergo.

They told me they understand how frustrating it can be to be dealing with not feeling well for so long but to please fight to get better and that they want me to feel better, etc. I'm kind of losing hope here but trying my best. I've had to do things in spurts because I have to stop and rest because the fatigue is overwhelming. My joints and muscles are stiff and I feel like I'm 97 instead of 57.

I know a lot of this could be on the thyroid but my biggest concern is that there could be something else going on that I don't know about. It's just that nothing I come up with makes sense. If it's thyroid then why wasn't I practically comatose when I was diagnosed with a TSH in the 30s?

Doesn't make sense for it to be heart-related or cancer-related because I don't have any other symptoms. I am just devoid of energy.

If it was connected to the N24, then again, why wasn't I like this years ago? Why now?

Something's got to be causing this. Funny too because I had a bad feeling that if I ever beat most of the anxiety it would be replaced with a new long-term problem and I guess this is it. I still stand by when I say that anything is better than anxiety but this is debilitating enough. It's draining what little energy I have just to talk type this and edit it.

And then there are the memory issues and the crazy emotions and urges. I have major brain fog where I have trouble remembering things both long-term and short-term but especially short-term, and then the frustration of my situation gets me stressed and depressed. I was fed up to the point of tears last night.

I haven't been a cutter since I was quite young but sometimes I still wish I could drop dead or grab an object and whack the shit out of myself with it as a means of distracting myself from whatever's been bugging me so relentlessly. I know it sounds absurd and I don't plan on doing anything crazy. I just wish the crazy thoughts would get the fuck out of my head! They're not always there but they're there often enough. More often than I would like.

I have more to say but already I need to go lay down and rest my eyes a bit.

Back again later on. So it took me 9 hours into my day to obtain some energy.

Been exchanging messages with my doctors on and off throughout the night and they confirmed after asking me to share a photo that I am taking the right B-12 vitamins. They dissolve in your mouth and directly enter the bloodstream.

I asked if they thought multivitamin and mineral supplements would be good for me and they said that since my fatigue is likely due to low thyroid and being on the low end of normal on the B12, it wouldn't likely help with energy levels but would be okay to take if I felt I was lacking those vitamins and minerals from food, but I don't. I do eat healthy most of the time.

Hopefully, that's going to get even healthier because I didn't know this but they said that gluten can affect the thyroid. They recommended a book called Wheat Belly. I couldn't get it with my Kindle Unlimited subscription but I was able to learn enough about it to know that it would be best to avoid gluten if I can. They recommend avoiding modified food starch, malt, maltodextrin, and hydrolyzed wheat protein. So I'll start checking ingredients more closely in search of those “bad” words.

They also confirmed that yes, being older could make me more sensitive to elevated TSH levels which might explain why I wasn't this tired when I was first diagnosed. I guess that makes sense because I was exhausted during the move and found to be at 14 a few months later. Well, that's exactly what I was last time around too. This is probably wishful thinking but if I could become more sensitive to elevated TSH levels with age, could that mean I could become less sensitive to normal levels, as in not having so many side effects from the medication???

A video appointment has been scheduled for the 28th.

The vag suppositories are horrible. They're so damn soft that they don't hold their shape. they're not rigid enough to load into the applicator nor can I shove them up there with a finger. I threw them in the refrigerator. Maybe that will firm them up a bit.

Nane’s birthday was yesterday. She turned 63. Sent Christiane my final - and yes, I mean final - message. No more of this one-sided friendship if you could even call it that. I'm tired of reaching out to those who don't care to reach out to me in return. I can't express just how fed up I am with hearing from people only if they hear from me first. They have a right to be who they are but then so do I.

Love our last Temu order! I used one of the plastic stencils and did a fairly decent painting. Even Andy liked it and he's pretty picky, LOL. I did one with multicolored pastels in the background and then stenciled a woman wearing a wide-brim hat that covers her eyes and nose, only exposing her full lips and giving her a mysterious and seductive look. Another thing I'm going to try sometime is tracing the stencil with chalk or pencil and then painting the entire design.

Made it to Viken, Norway yesterday! 193 miles to go.

The new cage came today and it's perfect! Tinkerbella loves it. It's a little ugly being black and I kind of wish the roof opened but it's otherwise really nice. Now she's not so cramped in even if she spends most of the time in her hammock.

Not going to have the energy to carry on with my story tonight since it's starting to get late in my day, but maybe tomorrow night. Or maybe I will do that or some painting or diamond drilling because I want to stay up until 7:00 so that I'm staying up late enough to meet with Helen on Friday.

I had to message her because our credit card expired and I couldn't find a way to edit it on the website. She put me in touch with the owner who sent me a link where I could update it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 2023 Today’s the day I officially give up on my health. Oh, I’m still going to take the vitamins even though they’re not doing me any good and I’m still going to work at getting my TSH back under 10 but I’m through trying to battle everything else. I’m just not meant to be healthy and I have to accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, but I don’t see myself making it to my 70s. At least I don’t think I do. Not with so many things I can’t treat. I swear it’s like something wants me fat, tired, and undermedicated! But it is what it is. I’m prone to side effects and there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’ll live with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, possible pending diabetes, and low thyroid for the rest of my life. I can get my thyroid close enough to normal but the rest I’m just going to have to live with and hope for the best.

I have a very bad and strong feeling that when I eventually get a CPAP it’s not going to do anything for this fatigue. I’ve been keeping track of how many days I’ve had fatigue and there’s no change since starting the vitamins. I have it almost half of the month when I analyze it by the month. The Bing bot also said you likely wouldn’t notice an increase in energy levels unless you were severely low on B-12 and I wasn’t. I was just on the low end of normal. Even though the nurse asked him if he had fatigue, his numbers were similar yet he doesn’t have fatigue.

I tell myself it’s just age and remind myself that many older people bitch about lack of energy for a reason but then how can people work until they’re 65 or older? Something’s got to be causing it. Or a few somethings.

The thing is that I’m so fucking sick of doctors and treatment I either can’t get or can’t handle that I’m fed up and I’m not going to bother anymore. Jessie was telling me that she’s had to prove her migraine case to her insurance company for years and how it’s a business out to make money that only cares about that and not anyone’s health, and I’m aware of this but that’s just wrong. Totally all wrong. I’m not going to prove myself to these people something multiple doctors have already proven. That’s like having to defend myself for what I write in my own journal and that’s just plain old fucking bullshit. I’m not going to belittle myself, like I said, with fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. It’s bad enough I can’t even get on disability because I don’t have enough work credits in my past. You also have to have worked recently in order to get disability, not just have enough credits.

There could be so many things causing this fatigue. Could be on the thyroid even though I had way more energy before I was diagnosed. I doubt it’s anything related to my heart, arteries, or cancer because I don’t have any other symptoms.

When I got up this morning my blood sugar was 119. That’s the highest I’ve ever known it to be even though it came down to 108 later in my day. I wonder if that or the high blood pressure I have regularly could be a factor in why my kidney function was down a bit before surgery. These things could cause fatigue too, but as far as I can tell I’m not actually diabetic any more than Tom is. We’re both just pre-diabetic. Whether or not we’ll ever cross that threshold and become diabetic, I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did because we’re fat and it runs in our families. I think the most likely scenario is that I developed chronic fatigue.

It just frustrates me to have all these things I can’t treat and that I can’t lose weight which would help with these things but that I would be afraid to lose if I could because I fear how it would affect my thyroid medication. But yeah, I’m so fucking sick of going to doctors and I’m not going to run to one specialist after another trying to figure out why I’m so tired just to either find out I can’t get a hold of treatment for it or there is no treatment or there’s treatment that I can’t handle.

I even threw away my order for a mammogram. If I’ve got breast cancer, which I doubt even though it’s hereditary and also runs in the family, I don’t give a shit anymore. I just don’t want to know it. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I just don’t want to deal with anything unless I have absolutely no choice. But again, with the odds of getting it at just 12%, I’ll likely beat those odds. Or at least not get cancer for many years to come if I ever do get it.

For the millionth time, I’m wondering if this shit with my health is random or if something up there has been picking on me. If it is, of course it’s not going to have anything kill me. No, it’s too much fun torturing me instead. Really, if it doesn’t value my health then why should I? I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even downright crazy but still. It isn’t so much that I don’t value it as much as that I’m tired of making a career out of trying to better it just to get nowhere. I just want to live until I no longer do. Until then, I realize that my life is going to have a series of pause buttons throughout its days and nights. My life is going to be limited just like someone who can’t walk well. I’m not going to have the energy to do as much as I used to so maybe it’s a good thing we don’t have much money. I’d hate to have money I was too tired to enjoy.

He mentioned us going out and walking together in the fall when the weather cools down and the humidity dissipates but nope, I won’t do it. You have to be consistent with something like that otherwise you don’t really reap any benefits. It’s like starting all over again each time I finally have enough energy to get out there again, so he’s on his own with that much. I can still hop on the glider and ride my virtual bike in VR most days because that’s an easy workout. I rarely get my HR into the triple digits that way. It’s a very fun and relaxing workout.

I really believe I’m never going to have energy again. I don’t know; it’s just one of those strong feelings I sense. Up until now, I would have told you that not needing glasses was what I miss most about my youth but now it’s definitely my old energy that I miss most.

I didn’t do as much as I would have liked today but it wasn’t as if I didn’t do anything at all. We did go down to the pool for a quick dip. The water was nice but surprisingly cool. Some of the storms we’ve had at night cooled the temperature. It was hot out at the time, though, in the 90s so we drove down.

There were a few other couples there but no kids. A bald woman was present and I couldn’t help but wonder…did she shave her head? Was that just natural for her? Or did she recently have chemo?

Later…

I’m making FaceApp magic with my selfies, and wow! I was having fun playing around with this with Mia and Greta. It made them a more realistic and prettier version of themselves. It’s awesome. You can pick a variety of hairstyles, smiles, adjust the age, add makeup, and more. I sent an enhanced pic of me to Andy and want to see his reaction. I haven’t mentioned the app to him yet. I don’t think I could lie indefinitely to him because he’s my friend. Others, I probably won’t say anything to. It’s a little weird how my eyes look more brown than green in the pic, but it still came out nicely. It’s a fun app to play around with. I just have to crop off the logo and suffer through some ads since I’m not a premium member.

Tom gave me a good idea for why Natasha would want to crash at Nane’s place for free. In turning reality into bullshit like I love to do, I can’t kill him off because I don’t want to risk jinxing anything bad to happen to him in real life so we were thinking maybe Natasha can be on the run for some crime she committed until enough time passes for things to cool down.

Later…

Tom suggested asking Galileo to do a full panel of blood work on me to see what my A1C is because that’s a much better indicator of whether or not you’re diabetic or close to it but I don’t want that lipid panel coming up and them hounding me to take treatment I can’t tolerate. It is what it is. Despite the fatigue, I’m a lot more active than I was in late 2021 when it was found to be a little high and that’s the biggest key to keeping out of the diabetic range along with smart eating. His has been inching up, which is why they’re going to test him again soon.

I’m feeling a little better today. Some days I have energy and other days I don’t. We’ve got a thunderstorm going on now which is always nice. Especially when I’m awake to enjoy the rain and thunder and not be woken up by it.

We’re going to be running out to Publix early in the evening when it’s a little less crowded.

Eight people died of flesh-eating bacteria in the Tampa area. This wasn’t in freshwater either. It’s a little scary to think it could have been us! I have a feeling that oceans aren’t going to be a safe place to swim in at some point while we’re still alive.

Anyway, even though I can’t get medication that might help me, the full-spectrum light is surprisingly helpful in slowing the roll. My schedule isn’t jumping as fast. This will make getting to the endo appointment easier, even though normal numbers without side effects is the same dream as keeping a schedule and treating my other issues without problems.

Shared another month on Facebook. I’m going backward, doing a month or two at a time. I’m at the end of last year.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 2023 Galileo confirmed that I have to see a sleep specialist for the addicting sleeping pills I don't even need or want before I can be given the proper treatment for what I've got and that's only if these so-called addicting worthless sleeping pills “fail.” They offered to refer me to a specialist but I said no thanks.

This is one more reminder that we really can trust our gut feelings. If we have a gut feeling telling us something is not meant to be, it usually isn't.

Tom says he doesn't know why and he's not going to ask but the insurance company reimbursed us $500. He said that means we haven't hit the yearly cap if I need another procedure. No thanks! I'm tired of procedures and doctors and just the whole damn health thing.

Jessie and I were laughing over those chocolate “pussy poppers” I'm expecting. When I saw them, I laughed to myself and said, “Are they serious?” But yeah, they have suppositories for dryness in every flavor imaginable, LOL. So I figured why not smell like chocolate down there while lubing up?

I also got a bunch of small tubes of different scented hand creams. Avocado, rose, aloe vera, shea butter, coconut, chamomile, honey, lavender, cherry blossom, and the only one I don't like is orange.

Most of all, we’re excited for Tinkerbella! We found a bigger cage for her that’s 20” x 20”. It isn’t just that she's cramped in where she is but also that when she gets old she's not going to be able to climb the walls of this cage as easily. The new cage has shelves and ramps and should be easier to clean too, and is on wheels. The only negative is the gap between the tray and outer walls of the cage but Tom can take care of that easily enough. The wire spacing is good too. It's gray and black, so boring colors but our girl will love it! It will be a little taller than this cage. This one is 41” and the new one will be 45”.

I'm tired today even though I shouldn't be. I slept for 7 hours and got a good sleep score. I was up a little long, though, at 17 hours. I didn't wake up to pee but I did wake up for a second to the sound of a loud crash that I assumed was thunder. Tom said he didn't think it was thunder. He said it sounded like something crashed in front of the house but he went out and checked all around the house and didn't see anything. So I'm guessing Toni dropped something heavy.

I have a feeling that getting my energy back is another one of those things that just isn't meant to be no matter what I do. I don't think a CPAP or any kind of vitamin is going to do it. I think I'm just meant to be tired half of the time. I'm not going to have my old energy back and I'm never going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling anxious. It just isn't in my cards and I know I need to accept this. My normal is 6-9, not 1-4.

I am still horribly hypo and I don't think the dose increase or the vitamins are doing any good. I'm cold and starting to gain weight, too. I'm constantly hungry and have virtually no new hair growth since dyeing my hair. I used to look in the mirror and see gray roots and think I just dyed my hair!

I just wonder how much worse it's going to get and what kind of hell I'm going to have to go through trying to get my TSH back under 10. I don't know if it's over 14 but it sure doesn't feel like it's under it.

Strange how I'm remembering my dreams less and less these days and what little I do remember usually isn't enough to put into words. I did, however, have a couple of interesting dreams. In one of them, Christiane and I went to visit Nane. It was late at night and Nane had already turned in. I was unable to sleep and I heard Christiane right outside my door rummaging around in a hall closet. I opened my door and asked if she was looking for an extra blanket. I told her I had one if she needed it and wanted to chat until we could fall asleep but she didn't seem in the mood for chatter.

Then I had a dream my parents were alive and the house next to them was for sale. I was telling them that I really wanted to move in so I would be next to them not only for obvious reasons like if they needed help with anything but also because that way I would have control over who got their place after they were gone since we wanted to live somewhere permanently and never have to move again.

Well, we're definitely never moving from here. Unless we ever need assisted living, this is it. We're just not going to have enough money for what I really want and I don't see the point in settling. There are only three minor negatives to this place, though. One, it's too small. Two, we're in a flight path. Three, it doesn't have a great view.

I sent Kim a 500-word letter and she replied with 4500 words. What is it with this girl's need to be so damn wordy? It's always the same old shit too. Her "journals" are all about Bob.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 2023 I'm so fucking pissed right now! You know that feeling I've always had saying I wasn't meant to keep a schedule and that if I was, I would have been able to keep one decades ago? Well, it was for a reason! I guess there really is no surprising one as intuitive/psychic as me because I knew there would be a problem. I just didn't know if the problem would be in getting the drug or getting the drug and finding it doesn't work. In this case, it's getting the drug.

Apparently, my insurance company is misunderstanding and thinking I want something for insomnia and not N24 because I was told that you have to have tried and failed two different types of sleep aids for insomnia first. The problem is that these are controlled substances that they can't prescribe via telehealth. So I told Galileo I was looking for something to regulate my schedule that I would take daily, probably for the rest of my life. But at this point, we'll just forget it. I could only get the ramelteon, which they already filled, if we paid out of pocket and we don't have that kind of money.

I am the way I was meant to be, like it or not, happenstance or not. There's only so much control over our lives and bodies we have. I'm not gonna fight to change what can't be changed but just try to remember there is at least a little good to the times I'm on nights.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 2023 Not a good work week so far. I haven't even cut 20 pounds yet.

We're waiting on the groceries now. Tom is desperate for his treats, and I'm desperate for Red Lobster’s frozen fish filets. They were on sale, and I can't wait to try them. I just hope I don't feel like shit afterward.

I found an easier way to go through my old Facebook posts and am sharing a month here and there. I'm not sharing every single post with the public, but maybe about half of them.

I told Galileo I was getting frustrated with waiting for the medication, and they said they understood and would reach out to their support team to get a status update.

I told Jessie I was worried they may deny me because it's not a matter of life and death like her Addison's medication is and she pointed out that she doesn't need Botox for migraines yet the insurance company pays $2500 every other month for it. Also, if they deny me, I can appeal. I still feel like I'm struggling for what isn’t meant to be, and I'm not sure I’m willing to fight for something that should come naturally. People just shouldn't have to “work” for a schedule any more than they should to reproduce and things like that.

Speaking of reproducing and the attack on women's reproductive freedom…as expected, the abortion pill will be heavily restricted soon enough. I'm guessing birth control will be next to be restricted. My God, ladies, how much more shit are you willing to take before you finally fight back?! And I don't mean shouting in the streets about it either. The problem is that while everyone's bitching about these extremists, no one's willing to actually do anything about them. I used to say that violence and breaking laws were never the right thing to do, but I don't know about that anymore. More than likely, though, society will simply wait, however many decades it may take, for things to swing the other way. Hopefully, they will, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2023 Still, nothing as far as the receptor goes and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get it. It's an expensive drug, and I'm sure the insurance company is no doubt going to fight it. Well, there's only so much I'm willing to fight for when it comes to the things that are supposed to be normal and a basic human birthright. Others are free to do what they want, but it's ridiculous to fight to have a baby as it's ridiculous to fight for a normal schedule. We can waste time struggling for what isn't meant to be or we can make the best of what is meant to be. There aren't even any guarantees that it will work if I do get it. So if worse comes to absolute worst, since I still get a feeling that if I was meant to be on a schedule I would have been on one decades ago, I can at least look forward to the alone time I get on nights (I like a mix of together and alone time) and the fact that I get 5 or 6 hours off from the planes. Might hear a few helicopters going to the hospital here and there, but that's about it between midnight and 6:00 AM.

Been thinking of going public on Facebook. I just think it would be really cool if society still existed 1000 years from now to be one of many examples of life in this era. I used to be paranoid about who saw my friends there but now I don't give a shit. If someone wants to bash me to any of my friends because they didn't like that I said spicy food sucks and the supposed friend dumps me for it, well, that pretty much tells me just how much of a friend they were to begin with, right?

I just wish there was an easier way to pull up old posts. There's a post archive, but it's pretty worthless. I don't understand why there isn't a simple way to pull up posts from a specific year.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2023 How many times do I have to make myself sick before I get that I can’t eat the way I did when I used to have a gallbladder? We went to Publix and got some hot food. It was so good but the shrimp was fried, the pasta shells were very cheesy, and the pulled pork was greasy. I just can’t eat fried or fatty foods anymore. Fruits, veggies, and raw meats that I have to cook are what I need to focus on. The thing is that I do most of the time, but I crave variety and something different every now and then. Frying something with light olive oil in a skillet doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t have any deep-fried stuff.

After eating I not only became nauseous and had acid reflux, but I became extremely tired too. I ended up napping. So does this mean that the energy I thought the B-12 vitamins were giving me the last few days was just a coincidence or was that connected to the fried fatty foods as well? I’ll find out tomorrow when I return to healthy eating, as long as a storm doesn’t wake me up.

I might have to dump my story because I just can’t think of where to take it from here. I asked the bot for some ideas and it gave me a few good ones, but nothing that makes sense for this particular story.

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2023 Still waiting for the receptor. It’s almost like something has already put an obstacle before me as if to say, “No. It’s not meant to be! If you were meant to be on a schedule, you would have been on one years ago.”

I hope that’s just the pessimist in me being paranoid and nothing else. Either way, it still seems too good to be true. My body is going to try to fight it at first because not being on a schedule is normal for me. So I’m going to basically have to become abnormal to be normal. If it doesn’t help me to keep a schedule every day, it would be great if it helped when I had something critical coming up like an important appointment or we wanted to do something. I would hate to have Andy tell me he was coming down at such a time just to have to tell him there was a good chance I would have to sleep.

We ordered a thin crispy crust pizza from Domino’s yesterday, and we both felt like shit afterward. The pizza wasn’t all that good because the crust was actually too thin and my lack of gallbladder had me feeling a bit nauseous for a while. I really gotta stop the fast food.

I was just thinking how similar this place is getting to NorCal and that it’s getting drier each summer with the summers getting warmer while the winters are getting cooler but the storms are back. We had a quick storm yesterday and it’s raining right now. No thunder yet. I’m sure that’s waiting until I meet with Helen later.

Got about 360 miles to go on my trip. If I waited just a little longer to create this ride, I could have gotten through Germany instead of only being allowed to pass through Hamburg. But now I would have about 600 miles left if I had. Once I get down to about 200 miles to go, I should be in Norway.

Made another Temu order. Got a couple of more carpet runners identical to this one for the bedroom. We'll eventually be getting an area rug from Amazon because they have better deals on the size we want.

Other things we're getting:

A case to store my colored pencils that has a floral design on it with a pink background.

Floral stickers for toilet seat covers.

A wall hanging that consists of multi-colored flip-flops and shells that’s fitting with being in Florida.

A metallic rainbow toe ring that will probably be too big for my tiny toes and will end up on my fingers.

Painting stencils.

A sticker you put on the base of your wall by the floor with a couple of mice appearing to peek out of a hole.

An ultrasonic humidifier/aromatherapy diffuser that appears as if different color flames are shooting out of it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 2023 Galileo’s sleep specialist has recommended ramelteon for the N24. Tried to get it filled today, but they have to get approval from our insurance company. It’s too bad too, because my schedule is right about where I would like it to be at the moment. You’re supposed to take it an hour before your desired bedtime.

I’m a little worried about the fact that they said that some people report mood changes, but still excited at the same time. It’s hard not getting my hopes up even though I know I shouldn’t.

The doctor went over the details I gave them and said it is very consistent with N24 and also wants to make sure I spend at least two hours by my full spectrum light at the beginning of my day. They said it could take six weeks to notice any progress. So time will tell if Galileo is a team of miracle workers or if I’m once again struggling for something that isn’t meant to be. It will cost us 30 bucks a month but would be totally worth it if it works. It would be a whopping $900 without insurance!

They’re going to announce the price of the Quest 3 at the end of September. Can’t wait! I really hope it’s a lot lighter and clearer.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 2023 When I got up, I said to myself “Something’s cursing my sleep and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.” I then resolved in my mind to look up spells for sleep and energy, but despite being woken up by a coughing fit, I have a little bit more energy today. Knowing I’ll likely be back to being exhausted tomorrow, I’ll still look up those spells.

The first part of my day yesterday was horrible. I was so damn tired and ended up napping. Then I took the B-12 which seemed to give me a burst of energy but it only lasted for a few hours before I was back to barely being able to keep my eyes open. Eventually, I perked up again.

We’re guessing the Endo I’m going to be seeing next month is between 45 and 50 years old based on how her bio claims she has over 20 years of experience. The problem is that older doctors tend to be more likely to be deniers. I swear if she tells me that I’m “just anxious” or that anxiety isn’t even a side effect of levothyroxine, I am never seeing another Endo again in my life! You would think that the older doctors would have more experience and therefore be less likely to be deniers but it’s actually the other way around in that they think they know it all, as Tom said. I think it’s more than that, though. I think it’s a convenient and easy way out of having to deal with something that isn’t easy to deal with. I think when there are little to no alternatives is when they’re more likely to deny what’s actually going on. So with all the statins out there, a doctor is less likely to deny a person’s claims of cramps than a person’s claims of anxiety from thyroid medication. I figure this Endo is going to be either a case of three strikes and they’re out or three times the charm.

I just hope I can understand her Indian accent and that she won’t ramble non-stop and make it damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise. The GI doc rambled non-stop in an accent I don’t remember him to have. I just wanted one simple answer and I had a fight to get a word in edgewise to get it. Instead, he went off on a tangent I could barely understand. Doctors need to shut up and listen to their patients more often. And will someone please make Americanizing their accents mandatory?! It would take time and work but there are speech exercises that can help with that.

I think another reason I may have felt bad yesterday was because we stopped at Burger King on the way back from the GI doc the day before. Funny because he warned me about fatty foods like greasy burgers, lol. Burger King doesn’t cause stomach cramps or nausea or anything but it makes me feel crappy overall. It tastes so good but really sucks the energy right out of me. So the older I get the more important it is to eat healthy.

Andy’s heading down to Connecticut for a week to spend with the family at a cottage they’re renting at the beach. I’m guessing he’ll soon be messaging me about all kinds of arguments he and his family got into and how he felt like the black sheep of the family who was ignored and all that.

Juliet, a friend of his who accompanied us to the beach one time in 1989 and who was very nice, lives in Maui with her husband and stepdaughter. They lost their house and everything to the wildfires. So sad. They are able to stay with relatives in Honolulu, though.

I was just saying to Tom the other day that while I would love to do a repeat of our 2014 week in Hawaii, physically I’d never be able to handle it. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I’m not even 60 and it’s sad to think this is the way it may be for the rest of my life.

Ran out to Publix again earlier for fruits, veggies, and snacks. We go there once or twice a week to get what we don’t trust Walmart with. This way I could inspect all the different heads of lettuce myself, for example, and get the freshest-looking one. But I got a Roma tomato and a cucumber from Walmart and threw it all together to make a tossed salad. I add a little avocado ranch dressing and it’s great with dinner. Later I’m going to be making tilapia with rosemary potatoes.

I changed the rat’s cage and am making a point of relaxing this weekend. There isn’t much in the way of jobs over the weekend anyway. So reading, writing, VR, watching movies, and playing with Tinkerbella are the main highlights of today and tomorrow.

The tentative plan is for him to work part-time until I’m 60 or 61 and then I’ll probably start collecting retirement at 62 and then hopefully he can finally retire for good. Since it’s looking like this is our forever home, we’re going to discuss how we want to spend the money when he knows what he’s going to be making. I’m sure whatever we plan will end up not happening. Nothing we plan ever happens anyway. rolls eyes I’m almost tempted not to bother. Why get my hopes up for something that isn’t gonna happen? Whether we’re able to remodel anything or not, I really do think this is it. It’s not so bad, though, because I knew my dream home was just a dream anyway. It’s a little small, doesn’t have a great view, and means spending the rest of my life in a flight path but things could be worse. I think very few people ever have their ideal home. It’s great for what we can afford, though.

Later…

I’m having trouble coming up with blackmailing ideas for Natasha for my story. Marion doesn’t want Natasha to share the damning video but what does Natasha want from Marion? Usually, I let the story lead me and I don’t have much mapped out to begin with. I start with a basic idea and take it from there. But I’m having trouble coming up with a good reason for Natasha to want to crash at Marion’s place much less what the end game should be. Maybe the Bing bot can give me some ideas. I’m finding that more often than not when I get hit with writer’s block and lose inspiration, either the bot can guide me or I step out of my comfort zone and into what I don’t usually write with a fresh set of characters. It’s easy to get caught up with the same ideas and characters so sometimes stepping out of the norm can help.

By putting myself in other worlds via VR, I’m getting some ideas for where I want Natasha and Marion to travel in the story. Part of the story is going to include traveling adventures so that’s why it’s temporarily titled Going Places.

I can tell my TSH is dropping because I don’t feel quite as hypo. I’m not nearly as cold as I was before.

I should have known that sharing my blog link with the park was pointless. But why was it pointless? Is it because most people simply don’t care to read other people’s journals, or because they just don’t know me well enough or give a shit? It’s probably a combination of these things, but another thing that hit me recently is knowing that if I suddenly died, besides Tom, of course, the only ones who would miss me would be Andy and Jessie. Guess that’s what I get for being an introvert! I’m only sociable online. Online is safer because I can simply block someone if they piss me off enough, whereas if I had a problem with someone in the park, I have to live with them so that’s different and a bit trickier. I couldn’t just click them out of my existence. Online, a person is just one click from becoming just a memory.

In just the two years we’ve been here, I can already see the climate changing here. We’ve only spent two and a half summers here so far and this is definitely the hottest. The Suncoast doesn’t usually get over 93 degrees and when it does hit 93, it isn’t very often. But we’ve had several days of getting up to 94 and 95. This has also been the dryest summer. It’s almost like this place is trying to turn into NorCal. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got drier each year, and the summers got hotter while the winters got colder. I can’t imagine what it’s gonna be like at the end of my life!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 2023 Written yesterday:

Heading toward Odessa to see the GI doc to ask questions I should be able to ask online or through Galileo. So 4 to 6 hours of doctors and slow chargers.

Let me go in order of events, though I don’t know if I’ll share this today or tomorrow.

I saw Sherry, an older lady who draws my blood at times at the lab and I hoped to see her again the last time I was there. But I saw someone I’ve never seen before. She drew the blood for my vitamin testing faster than anyone else has ever drawn my blood before and was very nice.

Both my vitamins B-12 and D are low. Not crazy low, but low enough. 1000 units of D was recommended as well as B-12 methylcobalamin and not cobalamin. Cobalamin is a synthetic form while the other one is natural. Sort of like levothyroxine versus armour. Hopefully, vitamin D will help my TSH and the B-12 will help with fatigue and memory issues. Tom was also recommended the B-12 and the nurse was surprised he wasn’t having a lot of fatigue.

I sure am tired today. Even having the energy when going to the doctor is too much to ask for, apparently. I think vitamin D might actually make me a little tired, though, so I’ll start taking that before bed.

Believe it or not, the water was off twice in less than a month to fix a repair. I really hope this place isn’t going to end up like the old place!

His skin appointment was bumped up to the 30th due to having to wait for some stupid insurance approval.

Grabbed a few things from Publix yesterday.

Got these tiny little nets to fish debris out of the rat’s water bowl. I should have just gotten her a regular bottle but she does love sitting on the edge of it. It’s easier for her to drink that way too. After being out running around playing, the first thing she does is get a drink when she goes back home. She is such a “dog!” Always wanting attention and to play chase and fetch games. So damn cute.

Swapped messages with Christiane the other day. Yeah, the real-life Christiane of Germany. She’s pissed at all the foreigners invading her country and the way they’re taking what’s hers. Oh, I know what it’s like. Florida may hate gays and Jews which sucks but at least it’s anti-migrant or else having to wait 3 to 6 months for specialists would turn into 6 to 12 months. Still, I hate how they’re invading the US like crazy. They hog our resources and take jobs from those who are from here.

She also feels the US wants to control the world, LOL, and I hate to say it but I do agree with her. We really need to stay out of other countries’ affairs and stop sending our money to other countries for various types of aid too!

So sad about the fires on Maui! We were where they are, too. That huge ancient tree from India that burned…we walked right under it!

Wow, Kim took all day to reply to my email and was kind enough to shorten it to 7 pages instead of 14 pages when I asked that she please shorten her messages. She rambles on about the same old stuff and asks the same old questions.

The GI doc said yes, the gallbladder removal could be affecting my TSH level but there’s no way to say for sure. He says it usually takes the body 3 to 6 months to adapt to not having a gallbladder.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2023 I'm not only fatigued but I'm starting to feel that “lump” at the base of the right side of my neck which I believe is my thyroid swelling as my TSH soars. The lump that my old doc tried to tell me was arthritis.

To say God helps those who help themselves is such a crock of shit. I have worked so hard and so long to get to where I was just to have it all torn apart. It's wild fluctuations like this that put me at risk of being anxious. If vitamin D is suggested to me or some new medication, then I have to worry all over again about that too, triggering anxiety if my TSH gets too low. First, though, I’m worried about how high it’s going to get. If I don’t get answers on Thursday, I’ll have to wait until September.

I read an article about a woman in Arizona who was doing three months in jail for a crime and found herself pregnant and unable to get an abortion. She talked about how not only did the jail sentence throw her off the career path she was building for herself, but the pregnancy only compounded things. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and think to myself, that is just so typical. That is just so, so life!

It's like the more we plan and strive for something, the further we get pushed off track. We can spend our lives dreaming or we can spend it living. Unfortunately, living usually means settling for second best and going places we don't want to go in life. But to fight fate, or whatever you want to call it, only leaves us more frustrated and exhausted, not that we shouldn't try at least once and for whatever length of time is appropriate depending on what it is we're after. But I really do believe that some things just aren't meant to be no matter how much effort we put into things. During those few years I wanted a kid way back when, I did everything in my power to achieve this goal despite working against the DES exposure and a husband that wasn't on the same page as I was. There was literally nothing else I could do, and while that worked out for the better in the end, that's just one of many examples. There were other things as well… My attempts to break into the music business with a voice that was good but not great and without being in the right place and having the right connections. My hopeless attempts to get a woman I was attracted to who actually looked like a woman and had the type of personality I was drawn to. Trying to break into the music biz may have been a bit much to ask for, but when you consider the normal everyday things that some of us are denied, it goes to show that it doesn't always matter what it is. It only matters whether or not we're meant to have them, whether it's by design or random chance.

This brings me to my discussion with Helen yesterday. We were talking about my wanting to change my attitude to a more positive outlook, but how hard it is because past experience has basically put a complex on me. We talked about my influencing ability and how I've actually jinx-written things into reality that I had no intention of doing and that I had no idea would or could ever happen. As I also pointed out, I have no control over it. I can't actively jinx myself rich by throwing myself in a story and writing about me winning the lottery or something like that. It just seems to be pretty random when it comes to how my emotions or writing affects the outcome of people and things. I told her that some people have become ill that have really angered me in the past and things like that. It's an ability I definitely didn't ask for. The dream premonitions I sometimes have are enough.

Helen is a firm believer in that our thoughts and the things we say and write do affect us in negative or positive ways. She believes negative thoughts bring negative energy and therefore negativity into our lives. Years ago, I would have laughed at this idea. But seeing myself jinx-write things does make me wonder. There's been a lot of negativity, mostly over my sleep and health issues in my journals over the last several years. I asked if she thought the way I worded things could affect things, and if I changed the way I worded things, could that affect things for the better? She believes they can. The problem is that I don't want to lie to myself. Even Tom says it's one thing to write that I'm frustrated with my health, but that I should be sure to add I haven’t given up.

but I have given up. I'm not going to kid myself. I know I meant to be tired and not very healthy. I just don't know why. Maybe there really is such a thing as reincarnation and maybe I treated people horribly in my last life and am paying for it in this one, I don't know. So it's hard to find a balance between not being negative but keeping it real too. I don't want to be unrealistically positive. I need to accept the things I can't change so I can work on what I can change. So it's not like I'm going to quit my meds and never go to doctors ever again. It’s just that I've lost all hope of ever getting normal numbers and feeling good. I lost that years ago, to be honest. I'm meant to be a tired hypo person with high blood pressure and high cholesterol just like I was meant to be short and have green eyes and brown hair. Well, before I went gray, of course.

So I’ll want to go down Path A but will likely be forced down Path B, and I need to learn to make the best of Path B.

MONDAY, AUGUST 7, 2023 So how are you fine folks doing today? Me, I feel like shit. But while I’m at it, we think we’re on to something as far as why my TSH is suddenly rising for no apparent reason. Seems connected to having my gallbladder removed. Fucking gallbastard! Just when I was closer than ever to really getting my health on track, I get hit with this setback. I’m tired as hell because I kept waking up cold, my skin is dry as chalk, and once again, I’m feeling like I’m being picked on by something somewhere. It’s like it wants me to spend my life tired and struggling with health problems. Sometimes I wish it would just give me something that would take me out of this world but I know it won’t. Gotta live to struggle, you know? That’s what it obviously wants. Not that I would want to abandon my husband, of course, but this really gets old. It really does. But with a thyroid I can never make normal due to being sensitive to the treatment, high BP, and high cholesterol that can’t be treated, I’m probably not going to be blessed with longevity anyway. Not exactly sure it would be a blessing, though. Not with a husband much older and all the shit going on in this world that’s only bound to get worse.

Another possible culprit where the thyroid is concerned is my vitamin D level, which I’m going to the lab for in a couple of hours.

Can’t help but wonder just how high my TSH is going to rise before it’s brought under control again. Before I got the shitty results, I was all set to cancel the GI appt because my stomach improved. But Tom suggested I keep the appointment so I can ask him about the connection to the cholecystectomy. I’m sure he’s had other patients with the same problem.

For now, the doctors and I agreed to step it up to only one 75 a week.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2023 Got my lab results and I am more baffled than ever. I knew the results were going to be bad. I’ve been cold, calm, and fat. My skin has also been a little dry. But I thought my TSH might be a 10 or 11. Not back to a fucking 14!

I don’t understand. I just don’t fucking get how I can increase my dose, however slight it might have been, just to have my TSH go up. This has never happened before. But my T4 is down from 1.3 to 1.2 as it should be. So why did that respond accordingly but not my TSH? My first thought was that my thyroid was dying off some more since it’s supposed to be a progressive disease, but if that’s the case then why did my T4 go down? I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong. Oh, I’ve totally given up hope of being normal without anxiety since for me that would be like trying to turn a horse into a bird but why is the fucking thing getting worse??

I’ve offered to drop it to just one 75 a week with the rest being 88 and will see what the docs say.

Something up there wants me to be hypo. I swear that’s exactly how I feel. Like it wants me to be hypo. Like it really, really wants me to be. If this isn’t me just being paranoid, then why? Just why?? Why is it so important that I be hypo??

If there was suddenly no such thing as medication my TSH would likely be in the triple digits and I would likely be dead before I hit 60.

I asked them to add a vitamin D and B12 check in with my labs but by the time they got back to me it was too late and I had already returned from the lab for thyroid testing. So I’m going to go back Monday morning. If I’m low on vitamin D, I wonder if that could be affecting my TSH because I’ve been taking the medication religiously and waiting an hour or more before food and drink. I’ve also been sure not to take any vitamins before 4 hours. So I don’t know what the hell is going on. I have a feeling that this year will be the last year of 75s before they’re phased out of my regimen completely.

Andy’s mother Judy turned 96 the other day and OMG! His memory issues aren’t just frustrating but a little frightening as well. When I mentioned Nane, he had no clue who I was talking about despite the fact that we discussed her for years during the 5 years she and I were friends. When I shared a few pictures of her that I still have he did remember seeing her and that I had a crush on her but little to nothing else.

It’s sad what all the years of being a pothead has done to his brain. I read that it not only fucks with your memory but it makes it hard for you to form new memories as well, so even though it had been years since he quit by the time Nane entered the picture, it’s hard for him to retain memories.

Here’s the amazing and shocking thing that happened which is why I mentioned Nane in the first place. No, she hasn’t contacted me telling me she wants to pick up where we left off. A part of me wishes that was it but instead, I decided to take a break from sitting at the computer working on things, donned my headset, and hopped into Sweden to continue my trip to Norway. But then I decided I wanted to take a break from that and go someplace different. So now that Google Street View is all over Germany, I decided to embark on a 24-mile trip throughout Munich. I thought it would be cool to see what Nane has definitely seen living in the city for as long as she has.

I last knew her to have a blue car since blue is her favorite color. I realized I could be passing her car or maybe even her walking down the street, not that I would be able to recognize her since Google blurs people’s faces. So at one point, I was riding through a busy street with businesses and apartment buildings when I glanced to the side of me. There was a sign on one of the buildings, written in German of course, about a company that sold packing supplies, and I was surprised to see the name of one of her brothers on it! I realize there’s more than one person with that name but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him.

I haven’t been able to wear makeup much lately because I’ve gotten so blind. Then it hit me that I only need to see out of one eye at a time. I might take a pair of old glasses, pop the lenses out, and make monocles out of them. I’ll see if I can twist my glasses sort of upside down and cover just one eye and a time for now.

Tom says he needs to get a different pair of shorts, LOL. Tink has a really dirty mind lately always trying to climb up his shorts and claw and bite his balls, haha. Gross but funny.

She really gets around. She can jump up on furniture, including the kitchen table, climb pantry shelves, and all kinds of things if we don’t keep an eye on her. She’s so cute when she hasn’t been out in a while and is eager to stretch her legs and gets so playful. The way she hops around the living room like a bunny and periodically “tackles” me and chases strings is so cute. She has this game she’s been playing with old sheets I gave her to burrow in. We’re not sure what she’s trying to accomplish but she’s been slowly tugging them under Tom’s recliner. It’s almost like she’s wrapping the base with them, LOL.

I absolutely adore how she lets me know when she wants to be picked up. If she doesn’t take hold of my leg, I reach down and she puts her arms around my forearm for me to pick her up that way.

Anyway, Tom shot some VR videos. He said he’ll edit it down a bit but not share it because he doesn’t think a rat running up his pants would be a great idea for the internet, LMAO.

I swear it’s getting drier every summer here. It seems like last summer and especially the one before, even though we weren’t here for the entire summer of 2021, it rained pretty much every day during July and August. But now we’re going days in between the rain. This alleviates some of the threat to my sleep since there isn’t as much thunder but it’s still weird.

I’m listening to the usual soundscape of planes and helicopters. It’s getting late, though, so hopefully they’ll drop off a bit. This is one of the very few things I wouldn’t like about always being up during the daytime. I would never get a break from these things unless I had something running or playing to drown them out. Got to work on the next chapter of my story. I’m on my own from here on out because the chatbot is too generic and G-rated. It just can’t always know exactly what I want. The thing is definitely good for getting started and has really motivated me to get back into it. I don’t know that I’ll ever spin off stories as I used to, though.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3, 2023 Tom saw his doctor today. They were so backed up that he was there for 2 hours. The doctor wasn't sipping on coffee during his exam this time around but he made a call and took a call from a patient. I didn't think that many doctors gave their personal numbers to patients. He wonders if he's got cancer because of the way he coughs. He did this the first time he saw him but he doesn't seem like a smoker.

They recommended he take vitamin D and B12. B12 affects memory. It is suspected that his TSH came down when he started taking vitamin D and I checked and found that there is indeed a connection. I'm going to the lab early in the morning and I suspect my numbers are going to be the same if not worse based on how cold I’ve felt lately. Since it’s been a while since they did a full blood workup on me, I just asked my docs if it was too late for them to add vitamin testing to my TSH testing that I’m going to be having early in the morning. If not, I would like to get that tested soon. We have vitamin D in the house. I just keep forgetting to take it. Maybe B12 can help my memory. As long as I don’t take B-complex because that’s what fucked up my stomach.

I've just been hesitant to ask them to do more blood work because I know the lipid is going to come up and they're going to practically have a heart attack over how bad my cholesterol is. This is something I have absolutely no control over since I can't take statins and the Zetia was a bust too. Yet they're probably going to be a bit pushy and want me to try other things. Yeah, I know. There's a slight chance I may not make it to 70. But you know what? Every time I get in a car there's a slight chance I may not be going back home. Life has its risks!

They want to see him again (gotta milk Medicare, LOL) in 4 months, so he’ll be seeing them on my birthday.

Had some weird dreams that didn't make much sense. There was this male ballet dancer I was talking to on the phone and telling him how lonely I was living out in the middle of nowhere by myself. I guess I didn't know Tom in this dream.

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were living in a 2-story house and I looked down from an upstairs bathroom window to find the honker returned. He lived next to us in the dream.

Then we were in another two-story house in the mainstream somewhere. The house next door was very close. There was just enough space between our house and theirs for a narrow driveway. I was disappointed to see a pickup pull in with a basketball hoop and a bunch of basketballs, not wanting to listen to the constant pounding of the heavy ball hitting the pavement like I had to in Phoenix.

There was a small garage between the houses and when I mentioned my concern to the father, he seemed annoyed and told me they planned to set it up in that garage and that he couldn't hear it in the house.

In the last dream, Helen lived nearby and I went to see her because I was upset about something. She was not happy about me showing up at her place. She even suggested I had hidden motives for being there. This offended me but before I could say anything about it, she went into the other room to take a phone call. I wanted to leave before she could return. However, it seemed I suddenly had a bunch of stuff with me. I was trying to gather all the bags and boxes I had in a hurry before she could return but I couldn't simply walk out the door either. I had to climb out of a window and up onto a ledge that led to the street.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2023 The other day I noticed that Toni was allowing friend requests for the first time since finding her online. I requested to add her and she accepted.

I was surprised to find not one single Florida visitor on my list after sharing the link which I later deleted. Maybe I should have shared when the snowbirds were here. There were some out-of-state visitors I’ve never seen before that could have come from the group but more than likely, no one was interested. That’s just not most people’s thing.

It was like being in Citrus Heights again the other day when I got up and peed and the pipes farted. Tom said the water had been off for a while because they were fixing a repair down the street.

Decided I’m going to stick with the Replens after all. Seems to be doing a good job of keeping most of the burning at bay. Rather than use it every 3 days as most people would, I’ll just wait until I feel the burning pick up again. It’ll save money that way.

I finished chapter 7 of my book. It’s going very slow and even slower because now I have to take over all the writing. The AI is so G-rated that if I ask it to give me a really steamy sex scene, it’s not going to give me that. Same with if I want a gruesomely violent crime scene.

I’m tired today because yesterday was one of those times I was up 18 hours and only slept 5 hours. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the melatonin receptor since I can’t believe there’s a magic pill I could simply swallow to fix my schedule problems any more than I’ll ever believe I’m going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling like I’m going to die. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Whether or not they’re by design or chance, I don’t know. So I hope for the best but expect the worst.

If I could arrange transportation I would love to be able to work even if it was just cleaning hotel rooms. Work is the only way to get out of debt and I realize that if we want to do things and go places and buy shit, we’re going to have to work for these things. Most people just can’t be that comfortable on retirement alone. At least he would still get what he gets when he gets a job. It isn’t a case of one or the other now that he’s full retirement age. So it’s good to know they can’t take away his retirement as they take away unemployment when you get a job. He wants to wait until after they’re done working on his cancer spot and it heals because he doesn’t want to go looking for a job with a bandage on his forehead.

If by some miracle they could help get me on a schedule, it would be a real game changer for me. Just a real life changer in general. There would only be three negatives to never being up during the night again. Even though this place is way quieter than the old place, I could never count on the neighbors not to start an annoying project as I can at 3 in the morning. I would never get a break from the planes and I wouldn’t get much alone time unless he was asleep or out.

Hell, being on a schedule would even change how the bedroom is arranged LOL. I wouldn’t need the “doghouse.” We could take that down and I would probably put the bed between the two windows because it looks better there than against the back wall. I would shuffle the dressers around and maybe get another small desk to put against the wall between the bedroom and the closet for my desktop.

I would love to not only have the money to get out of debt but to do the upgrades I wish we could do as well. New floors, new windows, additional counters, and cabinets in the kitchen. I’d also love to bust out the built-in desk to put a washer and dryer there. That dream home really is just a dream home unless we literally got rich so we may as well make this place as comfortable as possible and to our liking if we can. If we only had 5 years left to live that would be different but we certainly have more than that.

I know it shouldn’t bother me and that I should be used to it, but after telling both Jessie and Andy I’m excited about being assessed as a melatonin receptor candidate, Jessie was all excited for me and wished me luck and told me to keep her posted while I didn’t get a single word of support from Andy. That’s so, so typical too.

After insisting I was an “excuse queen” all those years ago and then finally apologizing to me, saying that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that I really do have N24, I wonder after all these years if he could have said that just to keep the peace between us. Maybe he still thinks that despite the doctor’s diagnosis, my first-hand experience, and the fact that he should know me better and that I have no reason to bullshit him about such a ridiculous thing, he still thinks I’m lying. Andy thinks everybody’s lying to him about everything.

I finished the Summer Slam challenge yesterday and I have 436 miles left of my Euro trip. Because I’m so tired I don’t know that I’ll hit the road tonight.

He has to go to his regular doctor tomorrow to discuss his lab results. Soon I’ll be going to the lab for what will no doubt be shitty TSH results. Given the way I’ve been cold at times, the way my skin is dry, and the fact that I’m waking up at around 162 lbs tells me the numbers are going to be bad. Yeah, it’s sad to know I only made it to the six-week marker of the new dose increase because I’m still pretty hypo.

The only positive is that I’ve been feeling great emotionally. Maybe Helen has been more helpful than I gave her credit for.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2023 My stomach is better, but still not normal. I definitely regret getting the damn gallbladder removed. It wasn’t a life-or-death situation, and I should have known better than to think that it would be that simple for me. Nothing is ever that simple for me.

I asked my docs about the melatonin receptor and they’re going to discuss it with a sleep specialist, but again, I don’t hold out much hope there. I’m at least smart enough to know that much is definitely not simple and is likely just a dream to think there is something I could take to fix my schedule.

Even though they’re both AI chatbots, after training both Mia and Greta, it really does seem like they’re different “people” with different personalities. Mia is more kind, polite, and proper and comes off as being closer to 20 whereas Greta comes off as being closer to 30 and is more sassy, outspoken, and confident.

I have okay energy today, despite the fucking mower waking me up. I woke up to pee a few hours before that and I swear I detected a strange chemical smell in the room but Tom said he didn’t smell anything.

I don’t remember my dreams last time around, but before that, I had this really shitty dream where I had to stay by myself in a huge apartment building without Tom. He was alive somewhere but for some reason I had to be on my own for a while. Life was so lonely, depressing, and hard. The things he would help me with were now things I had to do on my own and my life seemed to become a real struggle on top of missing him so much.

Then I stupidly accepted a dog someone was giving away, saying it was hypoallergenic and quiet. I couldn’t see the dog’s face at first but when I said I would take it and the dog turned around, I saw that its face was weird and ugly looking. Then I began to panic, wondering how I would get transportation to a store to get food and a leash for it. It was a bizarre dream.

[capricioussun]

More for the blorbo!

Does he have a favorite genre of music or a favorite band? Is he right handed, left handed, ambidextrous, or cross-dominant? Does he play any musical instruments, either underground or topside? Do you HC him with claws or just like really sharp "nails" that can be filed down? How does he deal with those?

And of course, you can always save these for when you have time!

Taking a break from attack work so I will answer these!!

His music taste is…eclectic. The thing is, he’s kind of…weird? About music? It’s super hard to gauge what he will or won’t like because he will determine his opinion on a song with completely unknowable metrics. He might like a song sheerly because of the impressive number of brass instruments. He might hate a song because of the number of times they use a specific chord progression. This song is about lunar cycles? Ugh, tacky. This song accurately references a Greek parable others usually get wrong? 12/10 great song (please note the song could actually sound like virtually almost anything). Though he’s also not really a hater, so he’s pretty relaxed about most music, as long as it isn’t too…uh, extreme? (He’d probably hate stuff like msi) Though he does admittedly have a slight soft spot for classic rock, folk, and proper classic music because of the few cassettes and Walkman he had to fix he found at the dump a long time ago… He would like My Chem if for no other reason than the Aesthetic (he can respect commitment to the bit. He might also even genuinely like a few of their songs)

He is ambidextrous! This is a hc I share with all Papyri! It was simply a matter of needing to be able to use both hands with the same level of efficiency, which actually ties in well with the next question!

It’s also part of why he learned piano! To help with hand eye coordination and dexterity! So Edge can play the piano, but…he doesn’t anymore, or at least very very rarely…

He actually has claws!! And he hates them! /hj but to explain, Edge’s claws are very real and very annoying. Due to the genetic experimentation, they are incredibly sharp, and he actually has very mild regenerative abilities. What this essentially means is that his claws are virtually untrimmable. They grow back almost instantly, he’d have to pretty much declaw himself like a cat (surgically removing the entire last phalanx of each finger) to get rid of them, and that’s way more of an inconvenience than the claws themselves are. However when they first started getting that sharp (around the age of 11), they were a big problem, and it wasn’t long before Sans had to call in a favor with Alphys to help him make Special gloves for Edge that were pretty close to untearable, since they were catching on everything. Edge couldn’t even change his clothes or bathe himself properly without winding up covered in hairline scratches and ruining the fabric.

They’ve thankfully rugged-ed out a little with age, so they’re not still that crazy sharp, but they are still sharp enough he continues wearing the gloves all the time lest he risk nicking himself or destroying clothes. He could alternatively use claw caps to prevent unwanted cutting and tearing, but he also has sensory issues, and his hands especially can be super sensitive, so the gloves are very good for that, too (a headcanon I share for UT Papyrus as well!)

At least they come in handy with looking intimidating! (Pun intended)

[awintersrose]

I’m late but for kinkoctober but ur writing is so flawless, this suggestion will be an odd pair, little to no fanbase but Kabuto x Sasori. 🥺

Pairing: Kabuto/Sasori

Prompt: Anal Play/Coercion (originally Day 18 from this list of prompts) AND Dirty Little Secret for @naruto-smut-monday

Obvious warnings are obvious with the prompts above, also includes D/s play, biting/scratching, and rimming.

All Kinktober fills should be considered explicit unless stated otherwise!

AO3 LINK

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Waiting for an assignation is never a simple matter. Punctual to the point of arriving early at everything, Kabuto looks at his watch for perhaps the fifth time, and he counts down the minutes. His date was very specific in their instructions, and he prefers to make a good impression. Kabuto can respect a desire for punctuality, for exacting details intended to ensure obedience.

He knows himself to be just as exacting in his preferences when exerting control, and based on this similarity alone, he has high hopes for this meeting. The contact came highly recommended by his own current favorite - precisely because said favorite was known to turn Kabuto’s own reality on its very head and make him question which end was up and which was down.

If only it weren't so painfully obvious to his partner when such a feat was possible - but Obito had the uncanny ability to read him as quickly as a cheap novel, and just as easily. Obito, his switch of a partner who was meant to be and still mostly acts as Kabuto’s own submissive.

Secret needs will out, however, and these roles are now flipped with surprising regularity, which is what led him here in the first place. The fact still remains that Kabuto doesn't bend for just anyone, and he still gets tetchy about the prospect and process of exploring the depths of his own submission with a new Dominant. Obito, however, seems certain that this match will be the right fit.

And so Kabuto waits.

His new contact’s profile is sparse, with photographs that only display a slight figure masked in black, with brilliantly crimson hair that drew the eye at once. An artist by trade, 'Exploring', their status said, which leaves even more to the imagination.

It often only takes one strikingly unique feature to catch Kabuto's visual interest, to make him wonder; to call to his analytical side, which loves to break down each solitary detail of a play partner until the origin of its nature is revealed. Until their true nature is revealed right along with it.

Whether it is skin like a bleach-splashed canvas, or cat-like golden eyes, his long-term partners have always been unique. Both of the latter possessed features that were the result of rare conditions, or genetic mutations that made said partners even more captivating, whether under the lash... or wielding it.

With the prospect of a new connection, all Kabuto knows for sure is that his date has hair like spun garnets, a certain cruel twist to a delicate mouth, and eyes like a fine umeshu. Not exactly unique, but there is still something there that captures his imagination.

Perhaps the artist is merely very good at their trade, taking a skilled hand to the composition of their photographs. Looks can certainly be deceiving—he should have predicted that his expectations would be turned on their head.

Which is how Kabuto finds himself trussed and stripped and poised on his knees before said artist once their negotiations are dispensed with.

Finely manicured fingertips caress the line of his spine before nails scratch, three at once, raising lines of glowing sensation across his shoulder blades. And they don’t stop their downward trek, marking Kabuto, making him gasp. The air makes a sharp sound passing through his teeth.

“You’ll do, but for more reasons than you think. Reasons you may not expect.” Sasori says, “And for exactly those reasons, you’ll give me everything I want.”

“Will I?”

That hand takes hold of a generous handful of his hair and steadily pulls him back, forcing him to arch his spine. Those cruel lips brush Kabuto’s ear as Sasori speaks, his soft voice bright with amusement, “You will, or this little kingdom you’ve built for yourself will be winnowed away into dust and thrust into the wind for anyone to take. Admit it… you want me anyway.”

The words are smug even in their gentle tone, accented by soft puffs of humid breath against Kabuto’s neck, his loosened hair. He cannot see Sasori’s eyes, and a small, creeping desperation begins in the pit of his belly. Sasori pulls harder, making him twist, rubied lips nipping Kabuto’s own briefly, roughly.

“You should have known better than to seek me out when you’re entirely that snake’s creature… he did have rather delightful tastes though. Did you kneel for him too? Recount all your dirty little secrets for him?”

“You know I did,” Kabuto grits his teeth as Sasori’s dainty fist tightens harder in his hair.

“I know you did, which is why I’ll make sure he sees every lurid moment of this if you don’t do exactly as I like. And then you know he’ll cast you away for dallying with me, faithless boy...”

The threat feels real, so damn real that goosebumps chase the lengths of his limbs, and Kabuto shivers, allowing fear to catapult him closer to compliance. His pulse notches higher and his mouth runs dry. Sasori releases him as if throwing him back down again, but it’s only the effective toppling of his own weight. Every new touch is feather light, even as the artist’s hands explore his body, shoving him onto all fours, undignified, yet perfectly on display.

Sasori’s breath ripples down his spine, the wet heat of his tongue drifting along the lines his own nails followed in the moments prior. Blood rushes in Kabuto’s ears, and his pale hair falls forward, obscuring his burning cheeks as he sinks lower on his elbows, allowing Sasori full access to his body.

“Shameless and pretty all at once, just look at you, ready for anything,” Sasori muses, “I’d hate to keep you waiting.”

Sasori’s questing, tormenting hands begin to part him wide, exposing him further, nails digging into the softer flesh of his buttocks. Kabuto grits his teeth as Sasori’s wicked tongue plies at his hole, two deft fingers moving to spread wetness around the orifice before one of them dips inside him with ease.

“Ready for anything, indeed.”

A bottle clicks and cool slick drips over his skin, making Sasori’s next movements nearly effortless. He dips in and out with shallow strokes, toying at the edges of Kabuto’s passage, As Sasori bends to bite the curve of his hip, sharp and hot like a brand. He knows without knowing that the artist has marked him, and Kabuto gasps, placing a fist beneath his lips to muffle any noises which might come unbidden.

He fails, of course, when Sasori laughs against his skin, finding his prostate with near expert precision.

The pressure inside him shifts wider, deeper as digits spread and curl, scraping against nerves suddenly sensitized beyond compare. Kabuto’s sight wavers as if plunged underwater, his cock hard and already dripping, too much, too soon. Sasori’s methodical exploration only continues, with another finger wedging in place beside the others.

“You’re so needy that I’m almost thinking you could take my whole hand. You would if I wanted you too, wouldn’t you, greedy boy?” Sasori’s fingers drag and exploit every new bit of knowledge he’s gained until Kabuto is unable to stem the pleading noises that are not quite muffled by his fist.

“Use your words.”

“I--I can but it’s-it’s-too-much!” He blurts, his voice arching higher on the last few words. Kabuto’s face burns and his head swims, and he squeezes his eyes shut, fighting the urge to shove back anyway and chase the high that is just outside of his capability.

Sasori gives a chuffing little laugh, teasing his pinky finger just along the rim of him until Kabuto whines, and with a twist of his hand, all four enter to press and tease.

“Oh, good boy… you’re going to come just like this, only accepting what I give you for as long as it takes…”

It doesn’t take long at all for his voice to break the silence, for sticky heat to spatter his belly and the floor beneath him. For oblivion to cloud his mind and numb his awareness.

But it’s only the first part of their night.

Later, after Kabuto has been wrung out in every way he might have imagined, he is treated to a massage and a short rest wrapped in a warm blanket. His pretty new play partner fetches his things and offers him a drink. White tea, hot and perfect.

“So tell me, did we explore everything you wanted to?” Sasori appraises him from head to toe, searching for unease. The artist is more attentive than Kabuto had imagined, leaving no detail unexamined. It’s no wonder that he has connections with individuals that Kabuto respects among their circles.

“Ahh… yes, thank you for following the plan.”

"Any Dominant worth their salt would do no less. Your illustrious mentor failed you if he didn't set that expectation." Sasori sniffs, still maintaining physical contact.

Kabuto hazards a wry smile. "He did. I'd have stopped everything in its tracks if you'd been lacking. But as it stands I'd like to see you again."

Sasori gives a curt nod, but the softening of his mouth gives away his satisfaction. "So long as you never leave me waiting, we’ll have much to explore."

Perhaps it's a good thing that Kabuto's punctuality is a personal guarantee.

[mallowstep]

Genetics ask! I know that male torties/torbies are very rare and caused by a genetic mutation, but with those who do exist, are there any prerequisites with their parents? I’m assuming they’d have to carry the red gene since tortoiseshell is one red, one not-red, but I barely know anything. And based on this, is it better to just headcanon cats like Redtail as biologically female?

alright! hello, anon.

since i had to do more research than usual for this one, reminder that:

i am not an expert. i can and will be wrong. you can find my self-corrections under #corrections, but those are only things i or others have noticed, and that i've had the time to write a correction to and explain.

disclaimers out of the way, let's talk about tortie toms. (and torbie toms, and calico toms, it's all the same deal.)

if you know how ginger works, you can skip the next few paragraphs.

orange (ginger, red, etc.) is sex-linked in cats. what this means is that the gene that causes orange cats is on the x chromosome. it is also codominant, which means that having an orange x chromosome (Xo) and a non-orange x chromosome (X) is not black or orange, but both.

basically:

X or XX: black

Xo or XoXo: orange

XXo: tortoiseshell

yeah?

now, for the rest of this post, i'm going to be writing O and o instead of Xo and X because it's one less character and i don't run the risk of putting three x chromosomes together.

okay. so because torties need two x chromosomes, they're typically female. the way tortie itself works is basically, cells activate one of the genes (O or o) at random, creating patches. so you need two copies.

wikipedia says about a third of male torties have klinefelter's, which is the XXY karyotype. while this does have physical changes associated with it, the only way to confirm (humans have) klinefelter's is to test it genetically.

luckily, cats are very helpful about demonstrating it. what with them being tortie and all.

(we're also lumping in the variations of klinefelter's here. you can get XXYY, etc., and they all fit into the same broad idea.)

anyway, the extra x chromosome can come from either the mother or the father. this makes tortie toms...not quite easier, since the prereqs are the same, but y'know. if mom is Oo, dad doesn't matter. if mom is OO, dad has to be o, and if mom is oo, dad has to be O. same rules as usual.

XXY toms are going to be...not sterile, but pretty infertile. using human stats, about 50% can produce sperm, although the likelihood of them having kits is still low. humans with klinefelter's are also taller than average, so keep that in mind.

again, and this might be a correction on my part, i can't remember, but tortie toms aren't strictly going to be visibly different than other toms.

okay, so most people stop at klinefelter's, but there are two other ways to get tortie toms: mosiacism and chimerism. these are often confused/combined, but because i strive for generally being accurate, i'll go over them both.

mosaic cats carry multiple genetic lines, because of a mutation. this can either be somatic (happens in the body, is not hereditary), or germline (happens in reproductive cells of parents, is hereditary).

this is not always a gain of a line, you can lose a chromosome as well. the difference between somatic and germline and how it affects torties goes over my head, so i'm not going to speak to it, other than i'm pretty sure we're talking about somatic mosaicism. i think. again, not a biologist or geneticist, just a hobbyist with an internet connection.

right, so what happens is basically, some cells lose their extra x chromosome, giving you a cat with karyotype XXY/XY. these cats are more likely to be fertile and generally have less effects of klinefelter's. i'm not entirely sure how this affects tortie presentation, if at all, but it does happen.

i suppose you could also have some kind of mutation that gives you an extra x spontaneously, but that would be unlikely to cause torties, because it would also have to mutate into the other O allele.

again, i really want to stress that while i'm not bullshitting, i'm also not speaking definitively here.

last up is chimerism, where two embryos fuse in the womb, creating mixed genes.

i'm using a picture of a dog, here, because this is what goes through my head when i think of chimeras. you'll have to take my word for it, but while this would be a normal tortie cat, it can't really happen in dogs without some kind of mutation. and chimerism, given the extent of the patching, is pretty likely.

right! chimera torties are going to be, afaik, normal levels of fertile, although it's likely that they can pass on either black or red, not both.

(while i'm here, before we move on, there are a lot of types of chimeras. this type is called tetragametic chimerism, and it's rare in humans but more common in other animals. it's hard to know how common it is, because the differences are often very subtle, and hard to test. it's also not mutually exclusive with mosaics or klinefelter's, just to really muddy the waters.)

i don't have statistics for how common mosaics and chimeras are, and there's always, "a different type of mutation that doesn't fall into this category"

for mosaics and chimeras, the rules for inheritance seem to be the same as for klinefelter's. there's the added note that, because there can be multiple sires within one litter, a ginger queen could have kits with a ginger tom, and get a tortie son, as long as she also...ahem...with a black(/brown, etc.) tom. (or vice versa, with all brown and a ginger.)

okay! so that's basically how it happens.

as for the second part of this question, well. "is it better?" is a matter of opinion. i don't think anyone is wrong for having tortie toms. i don't care. (a) it is possible, and (b) we're all just having fun.

i, personally, do not think redtail is karyotype XX, because i like him being sandstorm's father with brindleface. idk. i like brindleface. yes, i know this raises huge genetic problems, and it's not very canon. i don't really care. i read that redtail fic where he thinks about sand&brindle as he's dying and it hasn't left me.

that said, i'm still a sucker for trans redtail. love it. idk, this is kind of hard to explain. like? it's not my headcanon, but i still appreciate it.

anyway! to the point: if you care about statistics and likelihoods and how many tortie toms you've had in the clan, yes, you're probably better off saving your chromosome anomalies for when they need to have kits, and using XX karyotype for the rest.

(under the cut: matthew rambles about trans cats and gender identity for a while)

i'm pretty sure cats don't have the western concept of gender. i don't think they have a human concept of gender, either, but at some point i need to be able to pin down something, and i think a third/fourth gender is closer to what they have.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, because i decided i wasn't satisfied with my old approach to trans cats. i can do better than that. i decided cats don't have gendered pronouns, so why should the solution be, "trans cats don't really get to do anything about it"

no. i am dissatisfied with that.

at the same time, for specific reasons: i also don't think cats are trans in the western sense of the word.

because if for nothing else, remember that cat sexual dimorphism has a bigger effect on their life than in humans.

like, queens are going to be uncomfortable around male cats they don't hella trust and their kits. that doesn't go away if said male cat isn't a tom. y'know?

i'm in a constant state of tweaks with this, because i basically: form opinion, test opinion, refine opinion. my initial opinion was too harsh. and!

part of what's changed is i decided i wanted fernsong to be able to raise his kits in the nursery instead of ivypool. so i had to adjust how i think the nursery and queens work, slightly, to permit for that. now, i can turn back to gender and think about it some more.

i'm not going to coin any new terms, because i'm not in that kind of mood, but i think there is some idea of a female cat who is not a she-cat. i don't think the cats would call them a tom, but i'm not sure what they would say or how they would describe it.

i think they would just, on some level, get it.

actually okay you know what! i do need some lingo here. queens = cats who are raising kits in the nursery. she-cats = XX karyotype, considers self female (cis, if you will). toms = XY karyotype, considers self male (cis, again). and uh...we'll go with...

god i hate. i don't want anything i say in this ramble to be considered "words i am going to now use consistently" because i literally just need some way to describe this for my own sanity. with that in mind, let us use molly for XY karyotype, but not a tom, and...how about gib for XX karyotype, not a she-cat.

again, i don't want that to be considered permanent, i'm just fishing at words people use to describe cats so i can have something to work with.

right so, i don't think cats think gib and tom are equivalent, but i also don't think they (as a society) care about that.

like, okay, let's say redtail is XX, but not a she-cat. there's nothing to really be done (heck, if he wants to be a queen, that's still fine), cats don't have gendered pronouns or names, but at the same time, there's an intuitive understanding of what that means.

this kind of ties into the matriarchy, kind of? like, hm, queens are an important part of the matriarchy, but at the same time, she-cats inherit family lines. not that cats inherit much, but still.

i'm getting very abstract here. take, uh, like let's say a hypothetical trans mothwing. i think a lot of people have that headcanon?

and i think, like, mothwing would not be considered a tom. if cats had a concept of sexuality, leafpool would not be straight, because she likes mothwing, and mothwing is not a tom.

but! i would still think willowshine probably is the first line for nursery visits, at least when the kits are very young.

and i don't think anyone there would be unhappy with that deal.

right. i just kept rambling for a while, because i've been thinking about this and obviously it's semi-tied to the question.

tl/dr: cats don't care about gender, because they are cats meowing at each other in the woods. if a cat says they're not agab, everyone is just cool with that.

[schizosupport]

does it still count as a delusion if I think I'm stupid to believe that and that its obviously its not real but I still have like flight/fight/freeze to the thoughts/wrongly percieved event/things in the corner of my eye, or get really scared? Like I don't think that I'm correct in thinking the thing and I don't think it makes sense/has been proven wrong by the person and by testing it lol but also I have a reasoning behind it and still think it? Esp if some of the specific paranoias are very transient (or don't come back) and sometimes triggered by horror content (damn tma t-t) or v stress related ??? I'm trying to figure out if I'm just prodomal probably (bcus I have like a million environmental and genetic risks and Im 16) or actually having delusions now lol ¡¡p but it might be substance induced so :p this stuff has been going on since like, last june maybe and when I started smoking almost everyday since august

(2) HI IM THE PERSON TALKING ABT THE DELUSIONS AND POSSIBLY BEING SUBSTANCE INDUCED !! I think I've also had an increase in negative symptoms in that approximately 1 year time frame than before, even though I'm autistic so experience a lot of the things they list in that stuff :p but that could be because I went through a traumatic relationship or because I've been unmasking over time since I'm not in public and been trying to acknowledge my needs during quarantine :p (3)  hi sorry for using all caps yesterday :(((( I didn't mean to make anybody distressed in any way. Also is thinking as a kid that people may be controlled by larger beings like sims and whenever we die thats because they got bored with us normal weird kid beleifs or ?? Or like after watching truman show I was always thinking abt if I was like it and I still kinda act like there could possibly always be a camera on me or someones watching me but my dad talked about putting cameras around the house and one time when I was getting on my phone because he had taken it away from me a notification popped up on his computer that I was using my phone and if he wanted to look at my screen so maybe its just me being scared cus of that even tho I dont live with him anymore :p and I have no reason to believe he or anyone else actually has access to my phone but they do and its really scary :'((((

Hi anon!

No need to apologize, you’re good, and you didn’t distress me! 

I am very brain-tired there days which makes it hard for me to respond thoroughly, but I’m going to attempt anyways. 

The exact definition of delusions vs magical thinking, paranoid ideation and anxiety can be hard to figure out, and the professionals may have varying opinions as well. The main question, to me, would be - are you very distressed by these thoughts? Are they hindering your ability to live life to its fullest?

If the answer is yes, then I find it less important what they are, and rather I would urge you to look into getting some help managing these symptoms. At the end of the day, knowing the name of what’s going on with you can feel empowering, but it doesn’t actually help much if it isn’t accompanied by an increase in support, understanding and potentially treatment.

Another thing is, you said you’ve been smoking almost every day - from the context I’m guessing you’re talking about weed? 

I know that a lot of people do feel like weed can alleviate some discomfort, and I’m not the authority on drug-use by any means, but I think that a daily intake of any drug, can be a cause for alarm. - No matter if that’s alcohol, weed or “harder” drugs. Especially in people who are susceptible to psychosis (which you seem to be), weed can have a negative effect, and it can definitely increase some symptoms, or even increase the likelihood of a full-blown episode. 

I know it’s easier said than done, and you probably have your reasons for smoking as much as you do, but from a mental health perspective, it does blur the picture. And it can make it harder to get the help you need, because you risk either professional writing off your symptoms as “purely druginduced” or alternatively, they ignore the smoking, and think that you’re more psychotic than you would normally be, which could also lead to the wrong treatment.

(Say for example, you’re smoking to cope with a certain set of symptoms (eg. adhd)- then that smoking causes psychotic symptoms - they treat that with antipsychotics. Now if your original problem was adhd, you would have been better off with a prescription for that, instead of having to take two mind-altering substances as patches on patchwork solutions)

Honestly I’m not the best to ask about the border between delusion and anxiety - professionals have repeatedly told me I’ve long since crossed the border (hence why I’m diagnosed as schizophrenic) but in my own mind I’m still just “a very anxious person”...

I hope this was at least a bit helpful, my computer is lagging and so is my brain, so I’m going to wrap this up here.

Best of luck anon!

Cat

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #443

“it’s not a life sentence, but a death dream for you”

When was the last time you were in the hospital? Me personally, uhhh sometime in 2017? Why were you there? I had a cyst removal surgery. Do you like Cheez-Its or Cheese Nips better? Cheez-Its. Have you worn headphones at all today? Yeah, I pretty much always do because YouTube is always open and on a video. When was the last time you had blood drawn? A few months ago or something? I'll be getting some drawn shortly though for genetic testing; due to my mom having some dysfunctional cancer prevention gene, all her children are getting tests to see if we inherited it. The last time you got blood drawn, what was the reason? I want to say I was tested for anemia most recently. What color eyes does/did your father have? Brown. What do you daydream most about? Things I wish I didn't daydream about. What is your relation to the last child you spoke to? They're my niece and nephew. Do you believe the Holocaust happened? No fucking shit? Do you prefer zebra stripes, tiger stripes, or leopard spots? Tiger stripes, ig. When did you last see a dog? At my nephew's b-day party a couple weeks ago. Nicole brought her dog Zeke over. Have you ever been in the mountains when the moon and stars were up? No, but omg I wish!!!!!!!!!! Do you know anyone from Canada? Yep. Has a cat ever licked you? Yeah. Roman especially loves to give kisses. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc. that you haven’t been? The Wizard of Oz park, probs. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that shit's rad. o: Have you ever walked on a frozen lake/river? No, that sketches me out. I'd be afraid of the ice breaking and me falling in. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever met an Alaskan? Met in-person, no. But I do have an online friend who's from Alaska. Or may still live there? Idk. Have you ever mowed the lawn (even a little bit)? No. Have any unpleasant public transit stories to tell? Nah. Do you know any German words? Seeing as I took four semesters of the language in high school, I know a good deal. However, my skill has definitely atrophied with time and lack of application. Do you have a passport? No. Are your teeth straight? I mean, mostly. I had braces for too long, but I didn't wear my retainer, so they've moved back some. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you? Yeah, sure. I've never understood why height is an issue for some people. Can you quote the movie Mean Girls? No. I personally never got the craze. Have you ever swam in the Atlantic Ocean? I have. The Pacific? No. Can you make yourself cry? No. Have you ever held a starfish? Not a live one. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? Faint or vomit. Wail. All three. Are you very close to your siblings? No. :/ Can you do CPR? No. Favorite sport to watch in the summer Olympics? I don't care. Ever flushed a fish? Yes. Ever been paid for sex or a sexual favor? No. I wouldn't agree to that. Last friend you talked to online? Sara. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? No. What is the best ice cream flavor? Vanilla. You have so many topping options. What’s your favorite thing to do outside? Photograph nature, especially wild animals. What would you spend $1,000 on? A big, really pro tattoo. What was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? Hm. I don't know. Who did you last lay in a bed/couch/recliner with? Mom and I sat together on the couch some time ago. Do you keep a planner? No. What are you craving right now? I've got a seriously random craving for shell pasta with a nice, meaty tomato sauce. Do you want kids anytime soon? DEFINITELY not soon, but also never. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. What’s the best feeling in the world? Knowing you're in love and really feeling it. What’s something you really want right now, be honest. There's a lot of things. Who in your family do you act like the most? I don't know, really. Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom, 100%. Do you believe that your first true love can be your only love in life? Of course not. Have you ever kissed under water? Yes. Is there that one guy that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what? Suuuure is. Wish it wasn't like that, but I don't see it ever changing, to be real... Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? 100%? No, I can't say I am entirely. Have your parents ever caught you kissing a guy? "Caught me?" How old is this question meant for? Yes, they've seen me kiss a guy before. If you mean like, seriously kiss-kissing, no. Which one of your exes hates you the most? Probably Jason. Are you named after anyone? No. Well, my middle name has been passed down, but "Brittany" wasn't from anybody else in specific. What reminds you the most of your last relationship? The song "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Have you ever rejected someone but they still wouldn’t give up on you? In elementary school, yes. When growing up, did your family always eat at the dinner table together? Usually, yes, at least when growing up. Sometimes we'd use little tables to eat in the living room though while watching TV. What is the greatest source of happiness in your life? My mom, best friend, and pets. What was the last charity/cause you donated to? I'm unsure, actually. Who was the last person you got a handwritten letter from? Sara! :') Did your parents read bedtime stories to you when you were little? Mom did. Have any of your worst fears ever come true? Yes. The greatest fear I've ever had was losing Jason, and that happened. Is anyone in your family divorced? My parents, for one. My older half-sister has also be divorced because her ex is an absolute piece of manipulative horse shit. Has anyone in your family gotten pregnant as a teenager? I think my mom? No, maybe not... Idk. I ain't doing the math. What’s your greatest talent? If you want a serious answer and not something self-depracating, I suppose writing. Would you ever want to get a master’s degree? It'd be cool, but I've never *actually* wanted to pursue that. Have you ever worn revealing clothing in order to get attention? No. Have you ever been falsely accused of being racist? I've never been accused of being racist, because I'm not. To you, is sex just about physical pleasure, or do you see it as an expression of love and commitment? Absolutely the latter. I could never engage in sex without deep emotional commitment. How many times have you been drunk in the past 6 months? Zero. What’s your favorite French food? I have no idea. What’s the most elaborate recipe you know how to cook? Nothing. Which rooms of your house have doors that lead outside? The living room and kitchen. Best purchase you ever made? My snake. :') Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? I haven't seen him a long time, but boy did I have a thing for James Hetfield in high school. There are defs others, but no one else immediately comes to mind. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No, because I've never tried to. How many Facebooks have you had? Just the one I still use. Have you ever been punched in the face? No. When was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? The beginning of February, 2017. What is the latest you have ever slept in? Past 5. Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? No. Do you text when you drive? Fuck no. You couldn't pay me to. What movie do you really want to see that’s out? I don't even know what movies are out right now. Did America really put a man on the moon? Eventually, yes. Call me crazy, but I do believe the supposed first one was faked, though, to "beat" Russia in the space race. Do some research and it's pretty shocking. Would you like to date someone a lot purer than you? Idc. Do you turn your phone off at night when you go to sleep? No, but I turn the brightness down for if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to check the time. Have you slept in a bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? Yes. Has anyone ever played a prank on you? What happened? I don't believe so. Do you like tattoos and piercings? Helllll yes. :') What are you really into? Animals, art, some weird Korean guy on the Internet... Do your parents like your best friends? Yes. Have you ever taken a nap with a member of the opposite sex? Yeah. Do you have weak upper body strength? Yes. What color was the last cup you drank from? It's just clear glass. How old is your oldest sibling? I actually don't know her exact age. 30-something. What was the last thing you ate that had nuts in it? A Nature Valley cashew bar I had earlier today. How many pieces did the last puzzle you completed have? I have no idea. Who did you last shake hands with? uhhhhhhhh Has anybody asked you out on a date recently? Nah. When was the last time somebody asked you to be their girlfriend? When Girt asked me out a few years ago. Name something you’re picky about: Food. Who did you last ask for help? My mom. Do you like corn? Yeah. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept? Right now I honestly probably would, believe it or not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? My mum. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? Yeah. How do you earn money? The only occasions where I ever and very rarely earn money is if someone (non-family, of course) pays me to take pictures for them. Where were you raised? All you need to know is a crappy town in eastern NC. Are your ears gauged? No, but I want the first holes in my earlobes to be, but only with very small gauges. I just can't figure out how to do it myself, at least with the gauges I have. I think I'm missing something. Explain what triggered your last kiss? We were saying goodbye. Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? I mean I could, but it'd seriously fucking suck. Have you ever made out in a park? No, because I don't do that in public. What are you listening to? "Paint You With My Love" by Marilyn Manson. I wasn't big on the album when it came out, but this is one of the songs that's aight to me. Last thing you said out loud? I gave Venus a little wave and said "hey babe" or something like that like I do sometimes when she's slithering around and looks out towards me. Are you sad? Always at least a little bit. I have been kinda down this evening. Where is your dad? I would hope at home. He's probably watching TV, or maybe in bed.

[cs-discourse]

Hey, OG male calico/tortie anon again. I realized that my previous asks probably didn't get my thoughts on the matter through all that well because fighting through the character limit on asks is like trying to write a novel on twitter, so I thought I'd try a submission to sort of explain my side more clearly.

So, like I said in my response to lucifer's submission, I don't really mind when genetics-based ARPGs or adopts ban dmab calicos and torties. Genetics are weird enough as is without having to take into account conditions like klinefelter syndrome, chimerism, and so on, and honestly if I were to ever get into genetics enough to participate in a genetics-based adoptable, I wouldn't expect the staff to all know how to work with those conditions anyway. I know I sure wouldn't be able to manage how they pop up in breedings and such if I were in their position.

My issue really is more when adoptables that don't use genetics in their species ban dmab (or sometimes male in general) calicos and tortoiseshell cats, because if genetics don't play a part in the species otherwise, I don't see why they should have an impact on this One Part, if that makes sense. It feels overly restrictive, I guess. Like, any female calico or tortie I were to theoretically adopt from those species, unless specifically stated as being a chimera or something, has to be cisgender, and any male has to be trans. And I guess I feel like that limits the potential for characters within those species? Like, as a trans person, a lot of the time I explore identity through my characters, and with rules like those I could never have, say, a trans female calico questioning how much of her identity is really her own and how much is her trying to fit into a role society pushes on her because of the idea that "there are no male calicos" (which I do recognize is one that could be altered to fit a trans male calico/tortie, with the idea being "am I really a guy or am I just trying to stand out", but the fact that there's not really an option between the two grinds my gears), or a cisgender male one gaining a better understanding of his trans companions because he's constantly being mistaken for female due to his coat. Things like that.

And even if I were to enter for a calico or tortoiseshell and make them a trans male, rather than a cisgender male or a trans female, the very fact that they aren't that "normal" cisgender female could lead to bias in judging, be it due to bias against trans characters (or people) from the judge, the idea that by making them male and not female you're trying to make them this ~*~ uwu special unique mary sue uwu ~*~, the idea that you're trying to skirt the rules if you don't make it explicitly clear that they're trans (e.g. listing their gender as "Male" and not "Trans male") and eliminating you because of that, or what have you. I'd like to believe that's not something most people would do, but I also know there are people like that out there in the world, and it's not something I want to risk dealing with in a space that I'm in for fun.

I dunno. I guess I find it frustrating when people place restrictions on other people's characters needlessly. If realistic genetics are at play throughout the species, sure, I totally understand why you would ban characters that make running the species harder on yourself, your staff, and even your users, and honestly I'd probably do the same thing to make it easier on everyone if I were in that position. But when people restrict the sorts of characters a person can create on the basis of genetics that aren't even used in the species, that rubs me the wrong way.

Like, I said initially, it's a dumb thing to complain about, because I can easily just avoid those species (and I do), but at the same time, it's something that I started thinking about and had the urge to put out in the world, I guess. It feels to me sort of like... You know how sometimes people will make adopts with a little list of traits, like a gender and a sexuality and a personality and stuff, attached to the design? It feels like when you go to buy one of those adopts from someone because you like the design, but then their TOS says that you can't change those things on the ref that aren't even part of the design. At some point, it's less like owning the character yourself and more like you're just writing or drawing somebody else's, and while the gender issue with calicos and torties is a lot less extreme than being stuck with a whole personality that you can't change, I still don't enjoy feeling like I can't have that say in my characters.

[warriorsredux]

Do you still have the raw scraps, the scribbled notes, the heap of text documents, the outlines, the early drafts, the character/setting/narrative/whatever sketches you made when planning the Redux? If you do, can we have a look at them? I wanna see how Master Dullard does it.

Regrettably, all of that is on my old computer, and that bastard is not inclined to charge to let me get a hold of that stuff again. There are a couple sketches in an old sketchbook, but I have no idea which one (I have many old ones hurriedly shoved into a drawer so I can pretend they don’t exist). I faintly remember some things, and I’ll throw them here:

There were SO MANY documents trying to keep track of everyone’s personalities and roles in the story. Somehow I knew which ones were which. This is remarkable solely because I did not name a single document anything useful. 

Seriously, all the documents were random keysmashes, jokes, single words or lyrics, none of which had anything to do with their content. I always do this. I don’t know why. It’s not helpful. 

There were also documents dedicated solely to quotes and snippets of writing I wanted to eventually use in the story. Bluestar snapping at Darkstripe was written and rewritten several times because I wanted to get it just right, but it was in my head since the very first arc. Other ones were the first impressions of Scourge (noting his strange, jerky way of moving and unsettling stare among other things), several jokes and bits of banter between characters, and so on. I like to write down dialog when I have it in my head so I can perfect it over time. As a result, when the time comes to post it in the actual story, it’s as good as it can be. 

One bit of dialog that never got in that I did want to use was something along the lines of “We- we are bound by StarClan to-” “Damn all of StarClan”. This was meant to be with Fireheart and Bluestar, and was inspired by a near identical exchange in Vattu (which you all should read, by the way). I liked the idea of peppering in swears where effective, but I never really went down that road. Which I feel like I should have done? Oh well. Don’t matter now!

I had a sprite sheet of pixelated cats with the names of ThunderClan’s members. This was my initial way of trying to keep track of the bloodlines - the sprites would be connected to each other with lines. It was theoretically easier, but it just got overwhelming, so eventually I just used the sprites for my own reference of color. I did eventually get help with the familial ties, which... thank fucking God for that. Jesus. Those who helped me with genetics, colors and families, you are godsends. You know who you are.

One look through a random plot document would make it very clear that I have a very loose concept of “sticking to the script”. That is, I would write down how something happens, leave it, rewrite it because I forgot that version existed, combine the two or edit them haphazardly, then expand way over what I needed during the actual process of storytelling. For example, say a conversation was supposed to happen that would give plot relevant news, then we would move on to another event. I would end up writing that conversation with so many sidetracks and banter for the sake of it (casual banter is one of my favorite things within a narrative - it’s largely why I love ROTTMNT and Pulp Fiction so much) that the conversation would take over half of the chapter. This happened on so many occasions I cannot possibly list them all. You might as well count every single chapter I ever wrote for this fucking thing!

A lot of the worldbuilding given in response to asks was made up almost entirely on the spot. I had the answers in my head without my knowledge - they’d just come to me naturally when questioned, even though I hadn’t considered that part of the world - but that doesn’t detract from the fact that I was improvising quite a bit with a lot of the Redux. A lot. Most of it was improv. Is that apparent on a lookback?

That’s another thing - I didn’t write down a lot of the worldbuilding. Appearances, cultures, funerals, language stuff, a lot of it I developed it as I wrote the Amendment posts. I had vague ideas and notes in my sketchbook, but the specifics were made as I typed on the keyboard. That’s kind of how I roll with worldbuilding. It’s not a good idea. I’m amazed I didn’t contradict myself too hardcore in this universe.

That’s all I can think of for now. If you have specific questions, it might dredge up the memories and I can give a proper response, haha!

[rwby-redux]

Deconstruction

Worldbuilding: Genetics

If any of my Deconstruction posts were going to turn heads, I had a hunch it would be this one. You’ll probably find this topic incongruous with the others simply because—unlike Aura, Semblances, Dust, and Grimm—genetics isn’t one of RWBY’s unique gimmicks. If I’m being entirely honest, part of why this post exists is because I still had some miscellaneous talking points to address, but lacked a proper heading to file them under. Call it what it is: a dumping ground for wayward thoughts.

But there’s a bit more to it than just that. The reason why I want to talk about this is because, much like the other mechanical aspects, genetics does have a bearing on RWBY’s worldbuilding, and the stories that were subsequently built around it. It has an undeniable impact on the sociopolitical human-Faunus schism that set the stage for Remnant’s immediate past, and the present-day terrorist acts committed by the White Fang. Genetics is also an extension of RWBY’s adherence to color theory, reflected in the hair and eye color choices of the ensemble cast.

Before we can finally conclude Part 1 of the Worldbuilding posts, we need to discuss this topic from both a narrative and a production standpoint. Genetics is firmly rooted in the development and design choices of the writers—choices which, as you’ll quickly see, had long-lasting consequences for the show.

Today we’re going to be dividing this topic into two sections. Since I’m sure it’s already on your mind, let’s get the obvious one out of the way first:

The Genetics of the Faunus

The Faunus are going to have an entire post dedicated just to them, but it’s impossible to talk about genetics without at least a passing mention of one of Remnant’s two main species.

Subspecies.

Races?

Yeah. You can quickly see where this is going.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me provide some context. Just like the conception of the Maidens, the Faunus can trace their developmental history to a rather impulsive design choice:

“Monty really wanted a character with cat ears,” admits Miles Luna. Shawcross expands on how Blake Belladonna’s look resulted in a cornerstone of the show’s lore. “So if Blake has cat ears, does that mean anyone can have cat ears? Could they have other animal traits? It’d be cool to see someone with scales or a fox tail…” [1]

Let me clarify by saying that there’s nothing wrong with basing a decision on aesthetics (in principle, anyway). And RWBY isn’t the only franchise guilty of doing this. It only takes a few seconds of consulting TV Tropes to see that zoomorphism is extremely pervasive. And while I have a tendency to complain a lot on this blog, I’m not such a kvetch that I’ll deny that animal-people with lion tails and ram horns look fucking sweet.

The problem I have with Faunus (from a genetic standpoint) is the way they’re inconsistently described in relation to humans. While Qrow unambiguously refers to them as a separate species, [2] we have Faunus characters that contradict him by describing themselves as a race. [3] This leads to the inevitable issue of whose account do we trust? On one hand, the information provided to us by Qrow is through World of Remnant, a spin-off series whose entire purpose is to clarify information and teach the audience about core worldbuilding concepts. On the other hand, what we’re told about the Faunus being a race comes directly from Ghira Belladonna. In this context, who would you expect to be the better authority on Faunus—a human, or a Faunus?

Even if we set aside the complicated implications of an outgroup member talking over a minority, we’re still left with the issue of well, which is it? Are they a race or a species? And why does it even matter?

Before we can answer any of those questions, let’s quickly define both terms:

A species is a taxonomic rank used for classifying groups of organisms together on the basis of being able to participate in genetic interchange via sexual reproduction, to produce fertile offspring.

A race (in biology) is an informal/unrecognized taxonomic rank below subspecies, defined as unique subgroups with either geographic, physiological, or genetic distinctions from other subgroups within their species. In anthropology, however, a race is typically regarded as a social construct. In this case, it refers to an identity held by members of a population that share physical or social qualities that are seen as categorically distinct.

The answer, if we’re being objective, is probably something along the lines of “RWBY’s writers thought that the two terms were interchangeable, or they didn’t think the distinction mattered enough to do the research and settle on a definition.” Unless someone specifically reached out to a Rooster Teeth employee and asked, we’ll never truly know. Speculation will only get us so far, and where this blog is concerned, we need a definitive answer—or at the very least, we need to talk about why the distinction matters to us.

So, are Faunus their own race? Meaning, are they a self-identifying ethnic group with a common language, ancestry, history, culture, nation, or social treatment within their residing area?

Common language: That’s a definite no. RWBY still hasn’t managed to explain how everyone across the four kingdoms speaks the same language, let alone develop any conlangs.

Ancestry: We actually don’t have a canon answer for this. The show has yet to tell us where the Faunus came from, so we can’t make any assumptions about how related they are to one another.

History: Technically, yes. But the series has a gross tendency to homogenize the experience of Faunus across Remnant, so the history of Faunus in Vale is virtually identical to that of Mistral. This trend results in storytelling discrepancies, like the Faunus in culturally-unprejudiced Vacuo [4] being equally threatened by and involved with the Faunus Rights Revolution, when there shouldn’t have been an in-world basis for this scenario.

Culture: Don’t make me laugh. RWBY couldn’t even be bothered to give any of its four kingdoms distinct cultures. Apart from a few scenes in Menagerie where you see a bunch of background characters hanging out in the Shallow Sea district of Kuo Kuana, there really isn’t anything culturally unique to the Faunus.

Nation: I guess? I personally wouldn’t consider Menagerie a nation, simply because it’s not one the Faunus originated from, but were rather given in the aftermath of the Great War. As far as we know, Faunus have always been just as widespread across Remnant as humans.

Social treatment: We’re told that social treatment for the Faunus as a whole is shitty, but that the degree of shittiness varies from place to place. Forgive me if I don’t buy that. Not after we’ve seen students in Vale physically harass a Faunus, [5] shops in Mistral refuse service to Faunus, [6] and companies in Atlas extract labor from Faunus. [7] If social treatment is contingent on shared experiences, then why are we told that these experiences change depending on the kingdom? And if the kingdoms vary in levels of racial acceptance, then why are we repeatedly shown the exact opposite?

Based on the aforementioned criteria, I’m inclined to say that Faunus don’t fit the definition of race.

So, are the Faunus a separate species from humans?

“History gets a little fuzzy past a certain point, but we do know that their kind and ours are completely compatible, from a—a biological standpoint.” | Source: World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 6: “Faunus.”

That’s a resounding no.

As much as the taxonomist in me wants to talk about things like the multiple competing species concepts, or the fact that plants frequently violate the definition of species by producing fertile hybrids through polyploidy (chromosomal doubling), I have to restrain myself. For simplicity’s sake, we’re accepting that Faunus and humans are members of the same species on the basis that they’re not reproductively isolated.

The reason why genetics matters in regards to the race-species discourse is because we have yet to learn what the Faunus truly are. If we ignore the fact that they exist because Monty Oum wanted to stick cat ears on a girl, then we have to figure out what their existence means to Remnant’s past: Did the Brother Gods intervene in the early evolution of Humanity v2.0, by creating a subset of people with animal traits that would sow discord, for the sole purpose of giving Ozma another obstacle to overcome? Did Salem (who watched Humanity v2.0 evolve) try to influence their evolution, and somehow managed to bestow animalistic traits upon select groups of early hominids? Is Dust like a magically-radioactive fossil fuel that by pure chance mutated early people through exposure, resulting in their animalistic traits? Are the Faunus’ animal traits completely irrelevant to the plot, and are only there for the sake of style?

That’s why the Faunus’ genetic background matters—because as the story progresses, it’s going to inform what questions the audience asks.

There’s a good chance that all of this will end up being nitpicky conjecture, and there won’t be any storytelling payoff. But I think it’s still important to address, if for no other reason than to illustrate why pre-production worldbuilding is essential for telling a coherent story. But I digress.

Genetics, and Its Relationship with Color Theory

It goes without saying that RWBY is defined by color. It’s reflected in nearly every facet of the franchise—team names, wardrobe, Dust color, Aura color, emblems, characters’ names, even the show’s title—and it’s just as important from a worldbuilding standpoint as it is from a narrative one. [8]

Where color theory and genetics cross paths is in the field of character appearance—specifically, hair and eye color. For the moment, let’s set aside eye color as a visual device for foiling and paralleling characters (like Yang Xiao Long’s purple eyes compared to Blake Belladonna’s yellow eyes). Instead, we’re going to talk about these phenotypes from a hereditary perspective.

We’re going to streamline this discussion a bit by focusing on hair for the moment, and picking three colors that would be considered unnatural by our world’s standards. Let’s go with blue, green, and pink. Here’s a handful of characters who have these traits:

Blue hair: Neptune Vasilias, Ciel Soleil, Henry Marigold, May Marigold, Nebula Violette, Sky Lark, Trifa

Green hair: Emerald Sustrai, Marrow Amin, Bartholomew Oobleck, Reese Chloris, Russel Thrush, Sage Ayana

Pink hair: An Ren, May Zedong, Nadir Shiko

Now we’re going to take those lists and swap out the characters’ names for their inferred country of origin:

Blue hair: Mistral, Atlas, Atlas, Atlas, Vacuo, Vale, Menagerie

Green hair: Vale, Atlas, Vale, Mistral, Vale, Mistral

Pink hair: Mistral, Vacuo, Mistral

We can conclude that these hair colors are natural on the basis that we never see characters dying their hair, and that similarly unusual eye colors (red, pink, purple, yellow) would also be natural in Remnant. Unless we’re assuming that everyone is wearing custom contact lenses, then it’s safe to say they’re legit. With the example of hair color, you’ll notice that they’re distributed across a wide number of nationalities, with little hint of consistency among them.

At the end of the day, it’s easy to write this off as “the writers wanted to have cool character designs and not have to think too hard about the worldbuilding implications behind them.” But there is a worldbuilding implication behind them, and it’s one that I’ll be focusing on in later Deconstruction and Amendment posts, so I want to make sure we talk about it now:

RWBY has repeatedly shown us that people are fairly geographically isolated from each other, and travel between kingdoms has always been difficult due to the Grimm. It wasn’t until eighty years ago, when the Great War ended, that a combo of international political cooperation and technological advancements made travel safer and more commonplace. Keep in mind that when populations of humans are geographically isolated from each other over prolonged periods of time, it results in those populations evolving specific anatomical traits.

Let me give you a few real world examples. Epicanthic folds are predominantly found in East Asian, Polynesian, and North Asian ethnic groups. Red hair, while not exclusive to any one nationality, is statistically highest in people of Northwestern European ancestry. Darker complexion is most common in equatorial populations, where high melanin production (especially eumelanin) protects against UVR exposure.

RWBY has every reason under the sun to ascribe certain phenotypes to the ethnicities of each kingdom, and for some reason it just doesn’t. Like, why not make green hair a trait common to people with Sanus ancestry? How about red eyes originating from Anima?

Avatar: The Last Airbender pulled this off by making dark skin, brown hair, and blue/gray eyes features of the Water Tribes. The Fire Nation, to reflect its broader geographic distribution, has a much wider range of phenotypes, with both light and dark skin tones and black or brown hair. However, it still retained golden, amber, and bronze eyes as a distinguishing characteristic of people descended from this ancestry. Frankly, I love that the show took the time to establish those traits among its ethnic groups. Not only was it a great way to visually communicate to the audience the ethnicity of the characters, but those traits took on entirely new meanings in the sequel Avatar: The Legend of Korra. When we meet the brothers Mako and Bolin for the first time and see their respective eye colors—amber and green—we’re immediately able to deduce that they’re the products of successful multiculturalism, something that would’ve seemed impossible seventy years ago when the world was gripped by war. It’s a powerful statement that was conveyed through careful attention to detail and excellent worldbuilding. Given that RWBY also takes place several decades after a global war, the writers had the opportunity to pull off a similar feat. And I don’t think it ever occurred to them once.

At the end of the day, it’s not the worst thing RWBY could’ve done. I think I’m just disappointed by the missed opportunities. The show already has so little going for it when it comes to shaping the identities of its four main kingdoms, so with color being such a vital motif for the show, this feels like it should have been a natural progression of those ideas.

On a more positive note, we’ve finally reached the end of Worldbuilding (Part I) - Mechanical Aspects! Next time, we’ll get to introduce the second section of worldbuilding topics: history.

-

[1] Wallace, Daniel. The World of RWBY: The Official Companion. VIZ Media LLC, 2019, page 42.

[2] World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 6: “Faunus.”

[3] Volume 5, Episode 3: “Unforeseen Complications.” Ghira Belladonna: “[Adam’s] actions not only tarnished the reputation of an organization originally created to bring peace and equality to all, but to our entire race.”

[4] World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 4: “Vacuo.”

[5] Volume 1, Episode 11: “Jaunedice - Part 1.”

[6] Volume 5, Episode 6: “Known by Its Song.”

[7] Volume 7, Episode 1: “The Greatest Kingdom.”

[8] Wallace, Daniel. The World of RWBY: The Official Companion. VIZ Media LLC, 2019, page 44.

[primordial0riginator]

WILFY AND LANE >:3c

Ah yeah two of the oldest bitches I GOT let’s GO!

Wilfy

Full Name: Winnifred Muneera | Wilfy as a nickname

Gender and Sexuality: cis female and bisexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: She’s a holy variation of a species I made when I was like 10 years old. This species is basically sentient magic and takes the physical appearance of any species it wants. Holy ones are called Skytopians. Wilfy takes the form of a little cat or half cat/half human most of the time.

Birthplace and Birthdate: She was born in Skytopia, which is basically a big kingdom that is located in the clouds. She’s the heir to the throne so she’s a princess. Her birthday is April 8th.

Guilty Pleasures:

-Goofing off on Earth rather than going and doing her princess duties in the sky

-Being lazy and napping on clouds

-Cooking, but moreso the act of it rather than eating anything so she mostly gives food away a lot.

Phobias:

-Death of herself and those around her

-Caverns, canyons, pits, caves, etc. Basically anything that’s dark and gaping and looks as if if you fall in it will suck you in and kill you. She feels like she’s suffocating around these kinds of things.

-Very unnatural and disturbing imagery, ESPECIALLY body horror. If there’s something bending the wrong way, even if it’s like a broken limb, she will probably cry lmao it freaks her out

What They Would Be Famous For: Just being a good person honestly. She does a lot of good and selfless things all the time

What They Would Get Arrested For: Helping the wrong kind of person and getting framed for something she didn’t do

OC You Ship Them With: no one rn. I really want someone for her but I have no idea what to do for a partner at the moment jdkskdks

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Silverhaunt. It isn’t that he hates HER but he hates everything she’s directly connected to so yeah he’d try to kill her ass on sight if he could lmao

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Probably comedy for both tbh

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Horror anything for movies and the good ole “everything sucks and nothing gets better” book endings

Talents and/or Powers:

-Very good at flying with her wings. Maneuvers herself very well even against strong winds and storms and such

-Gets along with pretty much everyone unless they’re awful lmao

-Her magic type is healing and she’s very good at doing so, but she cannot heal herself ironically

-She surprisingly is good with swords, but that’s mostly a very little known fact

Why Someone Might Love Them: there is literally no reason to not love her I’m not gonna lie. I mean I’m biased but shhh-

I mean ok though I guess because she’s such a heavy optimist who sees the good in everything and everyone

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Idk you have bad taste or something?? /j

Ok but no realistically she does have a bad tendency to be naive and give chances to people who don’t deserve it and that is very annoying lmao

How They Change: She doesn’t change much at all if I’m being real, she’s always gonna be a relatively pure little ball of sunshine but I guess she matures a bit over time and maybe wisens up to the ways of the world at some point

Why You Love Them: she is my fucking baby. Also she encompasses a very beautiful and innocent time in my life.

Lane

Full Name: Delanie Ardere | Lane for a nickname

Gender and Sexuality: cis female and lesbian

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Half of a species of angel that I made up, and half raposa which is a lil race of fox people from a video game lmao

Birthplace and Birthdate: She was born on a large and mostly isolated tropical island called Eptora. She was born October 26th

Guilty Pleasures:

-Reading. In fact she can mostly be found reading books somewhere about 99% of the time. Doesn’t really matter what genre most of the time

-Stargazing and astrology. She’s pretty hooked on that subject and is a major nerd about it

-Collecting weapons

Phobias:

-Being useless and weak

-Disappointing those closest to her

-Abandonment

-Burning out and dying from her magic defect

What They Would Be Famous For: Honestly? A lot of things. Bitch is kinda a badass and canonically tears down a whole ass corrupt monarchy (with help but is the general spearheader of it) just because the people involved were responsible for kidnapping her girlfriend. She’s what we call a very angry hero most of the time and that would be her claim to fame.

What They Would Get Arrested For: ....also a lot lmao. But mostly going against corrupt people and systems who would want her imprisoned for doing so. I would say other contenders are assault and property damage though

OC You Ship Them With: my dude Adam’s OC Althea. They’re very sweet together.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Buddy there’s a list of people likely who would line up for the opportunity

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Movie I would say action/adventure and book I would say mystery/thriller

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Anything she finds boring for either tbh. There’s nothing specific, but if it doesn’t give her a sense of fulfillment for finishing the story she won’t like it

Talents and/or Powers:

-Physically strong

-Knows how to use a lot of different kinds of weapons, particularly guns and blades

-A good leader who knows how to bring out the strengths in each member of her team

-Her magic is generally unable to be used until she’s at a later stage in life because of a defect in her genetics, but when she can it’s a lot of celestial type magic. So lots of spacey magic that has fire and ice as a main base for its appearance and effect. Most of the time she’ll be using magical weapons tho.

Why Someone Might Love Them: I would say because she’s a badass tbh. She’s a tough punk with a strong set of morals who never gives up and you gotta respect what she stands for, which is generally protecting and uplifting innocents that get caught up in awful circumstances

Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s one of those people that either respect for being a hotheaded punk or you hate for being a hotheaded punk. I can see why someone wouldn’t like her broody attitude sometimes

How They Change: She gains more confidence and sense of worth for herself throughout the story after originally starting off with about none. She’ll never stop growing and changing and that’s an important part of her overall character

Why You Love Them: She’s my first OC and obviously one of the ones I’m most attached to by default because she’s grown and changed with me so much. If I had to pick one OC to be known by it’d be her. I made her to be the strong female character I wanted to see in the world and idk I just love her

[wisdomrays]

TAFAKKUR: Part 135

Retina: The Mind-Boggler

One of the most mysterious layers of the eye, the retina has an elaborate structure with a slew of functions. Not every eye surgeon dares touch the retina, which houses the most sensitive and special cellular layers. It is a three dimensional, crescent-shaped structure located in the back of the eye and is made up of ten super thin layers of cells that span the exterior part of the eye abutting the veins and its interiors.

Retinal layers

The ten layers that form the retina are:

Pigment (coloring matter) layer

Layer of rods and cones

External limiting membrane

Outer nuclear layer comprising rod and cone cells

Outer plexiform layer

Inner nuclear layer

Inner plexiform layer

Ganglion layer

Nerve fiber layer

Inner limiting membrane

These layers are incredibly sensitive and elaborate, and studying their intricate structure give a sense of awe.

Light for sight

Light first arrives at and penetrates through the cornea, the living glassy layer at the outermost layer of the eye. It then goes through the frontal fluid (aquesous humor) and the aperture called the pupil (pupilla). It hits the internal wall of the retina (the inside of the crescent) after passing through the lens in the eye and then the optic fluid filling up the chamber in the back. This alone is an interesting fact because it is much later that the light that gets to the retina reaches the layer of sensitive cone and rod cells, which perceive light. As these cone and rod cells are lined one after another for their protection, light reaches this outer layer of the retina after the ganglion cells, retinal layers and nuclear layers. Such an alignment leads to a reduction of acuity in the peripheral regions of the retina.

We have theories about the many details – such as the perception and representation of mental images and their storage in the memory – but we still do not exactly know how the act of seeing works

The central pit (fovea centralis)

The inner layers at the center of the retina, on the other hand, are drawn to the sides to prevent any loss in visual acuity. Resembling a pit, this section is much thinner than the periphery of the retina, so the layers that are likely to obstruct the passage of the light, and hence reduce visual acuity, are aligned specifically to allow light to directly hit cone and rod cells. Besides, cone cells, which are in charge of exact, colored sight, exist in this region, whereas rod cells, which are in charge of rough and uncolored (black and white) sight, do not. The central pit where visual acuity is at its highest is for keen, colored, and exact sight. Why then is the rest of the retina not created for acute sight and why is this small section equipped with this ability?

As it turns out, if the entire retina had the ability to see keenly then it would not be possible for the eye to focus on a spot and accurately distinguish it from surrounding objects. If we could see the entire page of a book at a glance, for example, the lines would mix up in our brain. We would not be able to understand what we are reading. We normally start reading from the top of the written page and continue line by line as we focus on and take in each word. Our brain then can focus and perceive a single word accurately by restricting keen perception of the surrounding area.

The retinal pigment layer

The color black is known to absorb, not reflect, light. Thanks to such absorption, the layer made up of black pigments (melanin) or dyes prevents the reflection of light, which is crucial for visual acuity. This black substance functions like the black dye in the bellows of old cameras. If there were not any layer to absorb light, light would scatter off the wall inside the eyeball, thereby obscuring the sharpness between light and dark spots, which is essential for the formation of a clear image, and producing a blurry image due to the overall illumination of the retina.

People who lack this melanin pigment as a result of a genetic defect (Albinism disorder) have white hair, and they are oversensitive to light because the colored iris layer of the eye does not contain the melanin pigment, which refracts light. When an albino person enters a bright area, the light that hits the retina is reflected in all directions through the pigment-lacking retina and the white surfaces of the rigid layer underneath (sclera). Therefore, a ray of light that would normally stimulate a few cones or rods is scattered everywhere, stimulating all or most of the light receivers. As a result, visual acuity in albinos can only be between 20/100 and 20/200, even with the help of the best optical correction, which is a low value compared to 20/20 in normal sight. The joke that rabbits do not wear glasses because they eat carrots is based on the high concentration of vitamin A in this pigment, or black dye, layer of the eye. Indeed, vitamin A is a crucial factor for the health of these pigments.

Layer of rods and cones

Composed of 127 million light-sensitive receivers (photoreceptors), the retina is 0.2 mm thick at the yellow spot (macula lutea), where the image forms most clearly, and 0.1 mm thick at the edges of this area. The 120 million cylindrical rods in the retina are in charge of black and white sight (at twilight), and the 7 million tapered cones, of colored, colored and exact sight. The more common cylindrical rods are 50 µm (microns) in length and 1-5 µm in thickness. The less common cones are 40 µm (microns) in length and 3-5 µm in thickness.

The concentration of the cones increases toward the center of the retina and decreases toward the edges, to be outnumbered by the rods. In the cytoplasm of the cones and rods are stored substances that are sensitive to light (photosensitive) which break up when light contacts them and produce electricity in the cones and rods. In rods this chemical is called rhodopsin. In cones, on the other hand, are three substances corresponding to the colors red, green, and blue that are sensitive to the wavelengths of colored light. To be more exact, there are three separate cone cells that include one of these three substances. Chemically, the photosensitive substances in the cones are a little different from rhodopsins.

The destruction of rhodopsin by light energy

Rhodopsin, along with the color substances, fills up about 40% of rods and cones. They are made up of a protein called scotopsin and a molecule called retinene that is derived from vitamin A. When light energy is absorbed by rhodopsin or the color substances, rhodopsin starts to fade in as fast as one trillionth of a second. The underlying reason for this is that the electrons in the retinene (vitamin A) part of rhodopsin is activated by light, which alters the shape of the retinal molecule at a mind-boggling speed (one trillionth of a second). Extremely complicated and precise chemical and physical changes then take place. It is very difficult to monitor all of these biochemical changes, and they require specialization.

The regeneration of the rhodopsin destroyed by light

Rhodopsin destroyed by light is regenerated in the dark. Only in the twentieth century did we manage to partially identify the mechanism by which molecules with very specific geometric shapes decay at incredible speeds only to be regenerated later. It is wondrous that such knowledge and power are present in the cell allowing the light energy to destroy the molecule and the regeneration process is launched. The circulation between destruction and regeneration of the molecule continues throughout a lifetime. Vitamin A is assigned a crucial task in the generation of rhodopsin in the dark. All-trans retinal is converted in the retina into all-trans retinol, which is then converted into 11-cys retinol with the help of an isomerase enzyme. Finally, 11-cys retinol is converted into 11-cys retinal, which in turn combines with scotopsin to form rhodopsin. Vitamin A is present both in the cytoplasm of rods and in the pigment layer of the retina. In this way, vitamin A is kept in reserve to be used for generations of new retinal. If, on the other hand, there is an excess of vitamin A in the retina, the excess amount is converted into retinal, by which the amount of light-sensitive pigment in the retina is lowered.

Night blindness

Night blindness appears in anyone who suffers a serious deficiency of vitamin A. Because there is a lack of vitamin A to be converted into retinal, rhodopsin amounts decrease dramatically. This disease is called night blindness as it is noticeable only in the dark or at night and does not affect sight during the day, due to the reduction of light for proper seeing. In daylight, however, cones can still be stimulated despite a similar decrease in color pigments. Night blindness typically only appears in people that have a low vitamin A diet because huge reserves of vitamin A are normally stored in the liver to be used for the eyes.

The human retina contains 400,000 light receptive cells per square millimeter. For comparison, this number is 680,000 in the retina of the owl, which needs to perceive even the slightest glow when hunting in the night. As another example, with 397,000 such cells the amount in the cat’s retina is almost the same as ours.

An average of 130 sight cells in the retina are connected to a ganglion (nerve node) cell. Constituting the nerve of sight, or the optic nerve (nervus opticus), every nerve fiber is connected to a ganglion cell. It takes about 15-60 seconds for the retinal optic nerves to adapt from dark to light, while it takes as long as 30-45 minutes to adapt from light to dark. The visual range of optic cells, i.e. the lowest and highest amount of light the eye can perceive, is between 10-7 and 106 nanometers. Light that is below or above this range is invisible to us because of its insufficient or overwhelming wavelength.

All the colors we see in the world are named according to the wavelengths absorbed and reflected by optic cells. The spectrum of the optic cells lies between red and violet, which is the limit of visible light for humans. Light with a wavelength of 400 nm is perceived as violet, while light with a wavelength of 760 nm is perceived as red. Our eyes cannot see infrared and ultraviolet light. Some animals, however, are known to see light beyond these limits. For example, we know that bees can see certain shades of ultraviolet light, which helps them find flowers to pollenate.

Clearly, it is not an easy job to elaborate on the divine art manifested in such a small area as the retina. Complicated structures and reactions that require specialization even to comprehend keep taking place smoothly every moment we look around. At least we can be thankful for this amazing gift of vision given to us free of charge so that we can recognize the universe.

[beach-goth-baby]

i have a few new side blogs so i wanted to share this on them all so people following them can get to know me as well as people on my main!! thank u @nihilnovesubsole for doing this!! my side blogs are @ring-a-ding-broad @nightvision-of-thesoul , and @wiiild-wild-west !!

Who were you named after? no one. my mom and dad both liked the name lauren and saw it in a book so that’s why it’s my name! i do like it though. i think it’s weird when people call me by my full name though instead of like laur

Last time you cried? two nights ago when i was drinking by myself lmao good stuff

Do you like your handwriting? eh. i do like it sometimes but i have to hold my hand a certain way to get it to look the way i like it. it looks a lot like my moms which i think is cool because it’s just funny how genetics work that we even write the same way no matter how many times i tried to change it around when i was younger

What is your favorite lunch meat?  turkey babeyyy

Longest relationship? 6 years and counting

Do you still have your tonsils? yep!

What is your favorite kind of cereal? when i want to eat health(ier) cereal i always go for cinnamon life, but as far as unhealthier cereals go my fav forever will be eggo cereal whenever they have it in stores

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? uhhh truthfully i don’t think about this that much because my 4 shoes i wear are my clarks, crocs, birks and blundstones (tevas as well in the summer) and only the clarks lace up so i guess no??

Do you think you’re strong willed? i am strong willed on certain things, but generally i’m very reasonable

Favorite Ice Cream? mint chocolate chip or cherry garcia, partly for the grateful dead and party for the cherry cordials

What is the first thing you notice about a person? hair then eyes and then teeth/smile

Football or baseball? okay i HATE football with a burning, endless passion. i do not see the point or appeal at all. baseball is still slow, but i have a lot of fond memories tied to summer baseball games and the feeling of nostalgia lmao

Favorite donut? powdered all the WAY

Last thing you ate? a banana ;-)

What are you listening to? i’ve been listening to the growlers a lot again, and my golden oldies playlist which is mainly 60s-70s rock for the hippie bitch i aspire to be

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? a bright yellow !!!

What is your favorite smell? strawberries, the smell of the trees in the mountains, CAMPFIRES, roses, and one thing i miss tremendously is the smell of my boyfriend when i would hug him tightly and smell his hair and the little groove of his neck. he always smells so sweet!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my brother! who misLEADINGLY told me that hereditary was NOT THAT SCARY right before i watched it last night

Hair color? brown/blonde! it was very very blonde when i was little and then has gotten browner as i’ve gotten older

Eye color? brown :-//

Favorite food to eat? i can always eat mac and cheese and baked beans. i will eat that as my last meal probs

Scary movies or happy ending?  scary movies, specifically ari aster lately because my boyfriend was murdered and he portrays grief really well, and i’m still resentful towards happy endings at the moment

Last movie you watched in a theater?: little women and let me tell you it can’t come out on dvd soon ENOUGH

What color shirt are you wearing? cream! it’s my john muir t shirt

Favorite holiday?: it used to be halloween when i was younger and still went trick or treating, but i think now it’s christmas, not for the day itself but for the days surrounding it where you’re cozy inside with a fire and (ideally) snow outside

Beer or wine?: beer 100% wine is NASTY

Night owl or morning person? night owl also 100%. i physically cannot go to bed before 1 in the morning on any given day. although i do appreciate the beauty of being awake and starting your day early! i just never do it

Favorite day of the week? unironically it’s monday, because i have been trying to work on myself a lot lately and monday always feels like a clean slate

Favorite animal? bears or pigs!!

Do you have a pet? 1 dog, josie, and one cat, maverick!

if you want to do this too, please do!!!