#which is why their relationship improved so much when they spent a bit of time apart!!

[eyrieofsynapses]

why Aurora's art is genius

It's break for me, and I've been meaning to sit down and read the Aurora webcomic (https://comicaurora.com/, @comicaurora on Tumblr) for quite a bit. So I did that over the last few days.

And… y'know. I can't actually say "I should've read this earlier," because otherwise I would've been up at 2:30-3am when I had responsibilities in the morning and I couldn't have properly enjoyed it, but. Holy shit guys THIS COMIC.

I intended to just do a generalized "hello this is all the things I love about this story," and I wrote a paragraph or two about art style. …and then another. And another. And I realized I needed to actually reference things so I would stop being too vague. I was reading the comic on my tablet or phone, because I wanted to stay curled up in my chair, but I type at a big monitor and so I saw more details… aaaaaand it turned into its own giant-ass post.

SO. Enjoy a few thousand words of me nerding out about this insanely cool art style and how fucking gorgeous this comic is? (There are screenshots, I promise it isn't just a wall of text.) In my defense, I just spent two semesters in graphic design classes focusing on the Adobe Suite, so… I get to be a nerd about pretty things…???

All positive feedback btw! No downers here. <3

---

I cannot emphasize enough how much I love the beautiful, simple stylistic method of drawing characters and figures. It is absolutely stunning and effortless and utterly graceful—it is so hard to capture the sheer beauty and fluidity of the human form in such a fashion. Even a simple outline of a character feels dynamic! It's gorgeous!

Though I do have a love-hate relationship with this, because my artistic side looks at that lovely simplicity, goes "I CAN DO THAT!" and then I sit down and go to the paper and realize that no, in fact, I cannot do that yet, because that simplicity is born of a hell of a lot of practice and understanding of bodies and actually is really hard to do. It's a very developed style that only looks simple because the artist knows what they're doing. The human body is hard to pull off, and this comic does so beautifully and makes it look effortless.

Also: line weight line weight line weight. It's especially important in simplified shapes and figures like this, and hoo boy is it used excellently. It's especially apparent the newer the pages get—I love watching that improvement over time—but with simpler figures and lines, you get nice light lines to emphasize both smaller details, like in the draping of clothing and the curls of hair—which, hello, yes—and thicker lines to emphasize bigger and more important details and silhouettes. It's the sort of thing that's essential to most illustrations, but I wanted to make a note of it because it's so vital to this art style.

THE USE OF LAYER BLENDING MODES OH MY GODS. (...uhhh, apologies to the people who don't know what that means, it's a digital art program thing? This article explains it for beginners.)

Bear with me, I just finished my second Photoshop course, I spent months and months working on projects with this shit so I see the genius use of Screen and/or its siblings (of which there are many—if I say "Screen" here, assume I mean the entire umbrella of Screen blending modes and possibly Overlay) and go nuts, but seriously it's so clever and also fucking gorgeous:

Firstly: the use of screened-on sound effect words over an action? A "CRACK" written over a branch and then put on Screen in glowy green so that it's subtle enough that it doesn't disrupt the visual flow, but still sticks out enough to make itself heard? Little "scritches" that are transparent where they're laid on without outlines to emphasize the sound without disrupting the underlying image? FUCK YES. I haven't seen this done literally anywhere else—granted, I haven't read a massive amount of comics, but I've read enough—and it is so clever and I adore it. Examples:

Secondly: The beautiful lighting effects. The curling leaves, all the magic, the various glowing eyes, the fog, the way it's all so vividly colored but doesn't burn your eyeballs out—a balance that's way harder to achieve than you'd think—and the soft glows around them, eeeee it's so pretty so pretty SO PRETTY. Not sure if some of these are Outer/Inner Glow/Shadow layer effects or if it's entirely hand-drawn, but major kudos either way; I can see the beautiful use of blending modes and I SALUTE YOUR GENIUS.

I keep looking at some of this stuff and go "is that a layer effect or is it done by hand?" Because you can make some similar things with the Satin layer effect in Photoshop (I don't know if other programs have this? I'm gonna have to find out since I won't have access to PS for much longer ;-;) that resembles some of the swirly inner bits on some of the lit effects, but I'm not sure if it is that or not. Or you could mask over textures? There's... many ways to do it.

If done by hand: oh my gods the patience, how. If done with layer effects: really clever work that knows how to stop said effects from looking wonky, because ugh those things get temperamental. If done with a layer of texture that's been masked over: very, very good masking work. No matter the method, pretty shimmers and swirly bits inside the bigger pretty swirls!

Next: The way color contrast is used! I will never be over the glowy green-on-black Primordial Life vibes when Alinua gets dropped into that… unconscious space?? with Life, for example, and the sharp contrast of vines and crack and branches and leaves against pitch black is just visually stunning. The way the roots sink into the ground and the three-dimensional sensation of it is particularly badass here:

Friggin. How does this imply depth like that. HOW. IT'S SO FREAKING COOL.

A huge point here is also color language and use! Everybody has their own particular shade, generally matching their eyes, magic, and personality, and I adore how this is used to make it clear who's talking or who's doing an action. That was especially apparent to me with Dainix and Falst in the caves—their colors are both fairly warm, but quite distinct, and I love how this clarifies who's doing what in panels with a lot of action from both of them. There is a particular bit that stuck out to me, so I dug up the panels (see this page and the following one https://comicaurora.com/aurora/1-20-30/):

(Gods it looks even prettier now that I put it against a plain background. Also, appreciation to Falst for managing a bridal-carry midair, damn.)

The way that their colors MERGE here! And the immense attention to detail in doing so—Dainix is higher up than Falst is in the first panel, so Dainix's orange fades into Falst's orange at the base. The next panel has gold up top and orange on bottom; we can't really tell in that panel where each of them are, but that's carried over to the next panel—

—where we now see that Falst's position is raised above Dainix's due to the way he's carrying him. (Points for continuity!) And, of course, we see the little "huffs" flowing from orange to yellow over their heads (where Dainix's head is higher than Falst's) to merge the sound of their breathing, which is absurdly clever because it emphasizes to the viewer how we hear two sets of huffing overlaying each other, not one. Absolutely brilliant.

(A few other notes of appreciation to that panel: beautiful glows around them, the sparks, the jagged silhouette of the spider legs, the lovely colors that have no right to make the area around a spider corpse that pretty, the excellent texturing on the cave walls plus perspective, the way Falst's movements imply Dainix's hefty weight, the natural posing of the characters, their on-point expressions that convey exactly how fuckin terrifying everything is right now, the slight glows to their eyes, and also they're just handsome boys <3)

Next up: Rain!!!! So well done! It's subtle enough that it never ever disrupts the impact of the focal point, but evident enough you can tell! And more importantly: THE MIST OFF THE CHARACTERS. Rain does this irl, it has that little vapor that comes off you and makes that little misty effect that plays with lighting, it's so cool-looking and here it's used to such pretty effect!

One of the panel captions says something about it blurring out all the injuries on the characters but like THAT AIN'T TOO BIG OF A PROBLEM when it gets across the environmental vibes, and also that'd be how it would look in real life too so like… outside viewer's angle is the same as the characters', mostly? my point is: that's the environment!!! that's the vibes, that's the feel! It gets it across and it does so in the most pretty way possible!

And another thing re: rain, the use of it to establish perspective, particularly in panels like this—

—where we can tell we're looking down at Tynan due to the perspective on the rain and where it's pointing. Excellent. (Also, kudos for looking down and emphasizing how Tynan's losing his advantage—lovely use of visual storytelling.)

Additionally, the misting here:

We see it most heavily in the leftmost panel, where it's quite foggy as you would expect in a rainstorm, especially in an environment with a lot of heat, but it's also lightly powdered on in the following two panels and tends to follow light sources, which makes complete sense given how light bounces off particles in the air.

A major point of strength in these too is a thorough understanding of lighting, like rim lighting, the various hues and shades, and an intricate understanding of how light bounces off surfaces even when they're in shadow (we'll see a faint glow in spots where characters are half in shadow, but that's how it would work in real life, because of how light bounces around).

Bringing some of these points together: the fluidity of the lines in magic, and the way simple glowing lines are used to emphasize motion and the magic itself, is deeply clever. I'm basically pulling at random from panels and there's definitely even better examples, but here's one (see this page https://comicaurora.com/aurora/1-16-33/):

First panel, listed in numbers because these build on each other:

The tension of the lines in Tess's magic here. This works on a couple levels: first, the way she's holding her fists, as if she's pulling a rope taut.

The way there's one primary line, emphasizing the rope feeling, accompanied by smaller ones.

The additional lines starbursting around her hands, to indicate the energy crackling in her hands and how she's doing a good bit more than just holding it. (That combined with the fists suggests some tension to the magic, too.) Also the variations in brightness, a feature you'll find in actual lightning. :D Additional kudos for how the lightning sparks and breaks off the metal of the sword.

A handful of miscellaneous notes on the second panel:

The reflection of the flames in Erin's typically dark blue eyes (which bears a remarkable resemblance to Dainix, incidentally—almost a thematic sort of parallel given Erin's using the same magic Dainix specializes in?)

The flowing of fabric in the wind and associated variation in the lineart

The way Erin's tattoos interact with the fire he's pulling to his hand

The way the rain overlays some of the fainter areas of fire (attention! to! detail! hell yeah!)

I could go on. I won't because this is a lot of writing already.

Third panel gets paragraphs, not bullets:

Erin's giant-ass "FWOOM" of fire there, and the way the outline of the word is puffy-edged and gradated to feel almost three-dimensional, plus once again using Screen or a variation on it so that the stars show up in the background. All this against that stunning plume of fire, which ripples and sparks so gorgeously, and the ending "om" of the onomatopoeia is emphasized incredibly brightly against that, adding to the punch of it and making the plume feel even brighter.

Also, once again, rain helping establish perspective, especially in how it's very angular in the left side of the panel and then slowly becomes more like a point to the right to indicate it's falling directly down on the viewer. Add in the bright, beautiful glow effects, fainter but no less important black lines beneath them to emphasize the sky and smoke and the like, and the stunningly beautiful lighting and gradated glows surrounding Erin plus the lightning jagging up at him from below, and you get one hell of an impactful panel right there. (And there is definitely more in there I could break down, this is just a lot already.)

And in general: The colors in this? Incredible. The blues and purples and oranges and golds compliment so well, and it's all so rich.

Like, seriously, just throughout the whole comic, the use of gradients, blending modes, color balance and hues, all the things, all the things, it makes for the most beautiful effects and glows and such a rich environment. There's a very distinct style to this comic in its simplified backgrounds (which I recognize are done partly because it's way easier and also backgrounds are so time-consuming dear gods but lemme say this) and vivid, smoothly drawn characters; the simplicity lets them come to the front and gives room for those beautiful, richly saturated focal points, letting the stylized designs of the magic and characters shine. The use of distinct silhouettes is insanely good. Honestly, complex backgrounds might run the risk of making everything too visually busy in this case. It's just, augh, so GORGEOUS.

Another bit, take a look at this page (https://comicaurora.com/aurora/1-15-28/):

It's not quite as evident here as it is in the next page, but this one does some other fun things so I'm grabbing it. Points:

Once again, using different colors to represent different character actions. The "WHAM" of Kendal hitting the ground is caused by Dainix's force, so it's orange (and kudos for doubling the word over to add a shake effect). But we see blue layered underneath, which could be an environmental choice, but might also be because it's Kendal, whose color is blue.

And speaking off, take a look at the right-most panel on top, where Kendal grabs the spear: his motion is, again, illustrated in bright blue, versus the atmospheric screened-on orange lines that point toward him around the whole panel (I'm sure these have a name, I think they might be more of a manga thing though and the only experience I have in manga is reading a bit of Fullmetal Alchemist). Those lines emphasize the weight of the spear being shoved at him, and their color tells us Dainix is responsible for it.

One of my all-time favorite effects in this comic is the way cracks manifest across Dainix's body to represent when he starts to lose control; it is utterly gorgeous and wonderfully thematic. These are more evident in the page before and after this one, but you get a decent idea here. I love the way they glow softly, the way the fire juuuust flickers through at the start and then becomes more evident over time, and the cracks feel so realistic, like his skin is made of pottery. Additional points for how fire begins to creep into his hair.

A small detail that's generally consistent across the comic, but which I want to make note of here because you can see it pretty well: Kendal's eyes glow about the same as the jewel in his sword, mirroring his connection to said sword and calling back to how the jewel became Vash's eye temporarily and thus was once Kendal's eye. You can always see this connection (though there might be some spots where this also changes in a symbolic manner; I went through it quickly on the first time around, so I'll pay more attention when I inevitably reread this), where Kendal's always got that little shine of blue in his eyes the same as the jewel. It's a beautiful visual parallel that encourages the reader to subconsciously link them together, especially since the lines used to illustrate character movements typically mirror their eye color. It's an extension of Kendal.

Did I mention how ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL the colors in this are?

Also, the mythological/legend-type scenes are illustrated in familiar style often used for that type of story, a simple and heavily symbolic two-dimensional cave-painting-like look. They are absolutely beautiful on many levels, employing simple, lovely gradients, slightly rougher and thicker lineart that is nonetheless smoothly beautiful, and working with clear silhouettes (a major strength of this art style, but also a strength in the comic overall). But in particular, I wanted to call attention to a particular thing (see this page https://comicaurora.com/aurora/1-12-4/):

The flowing symbolic lineart surrounding each character. This is actually quite consistent across characters—see also Life's typical lines and how they curl:

What's particularly interesting here is how these symbols are often similar, but not the same. Vash's lines are always smooth, clean curls, often playing off each other and echoing one another like ripples in a pond. You'd think they'd look too similar to Life's—but they don't. Life's curl like vines, and they remain connected; where one curve might echo another but exist entirely detached from each other in Vash's, Life's lines still remain wound together, because vines are continuous and don't float around. :P

Tahraim's are less continuous, often breaking up with significantly smaller bits and pieces floating around like—of course—sparks, and come to sharper points. These are also constants: we see the vines repeated over and over in Alinua's dreams of Life, and the echoing ripples of Vash are consistent wherever we encounter him. Kendal's dream of the ghost citizens of the city of Vash in the last few chapters is filled with these rippling, echoing patterns, to beautiful effect (https://comicaurora.com/aurora/1-20-14/):

They ripple and spiral, often in long, sinuous curves, with smooth elegance. It reminds me a great deal of images of space and sine waves and the like. This establishes a definite feel to these different characters and their magic. And the thing is, that's not something that had to be done—the colors are good at emphasizing who's who. But it was done, and it adds a whole other dimension to the story. Whenever you're in a deity's domain, you know whose it is no matter the color.

Regarding that shape language, I wanted to make another note, too—Vash is sometimes described as chaotic and doing what he likes, which is interesting to me, because smooth, elegant curves and the color blue aren't generally associated with chaos. So while Vash might behave like that on the surface, I'm guessing he's got a lot more going on underneath; he's probably much more intentional in his actions than you'd think at a glance, and he is certainly quite caring with his city. The other thing is that this suits Kendal perfectly. He's a paragon character; he is kind, virtuous, and self-sacrificing, and often we see him aiming to calm others and keep them safe. Blue is such a good color for him. There is… probably more to this, but I'm not deep enough in yet to say.

And here's the thing: I'm only scratching the surface. There is so much more here I'm not covering (color palettes! outfits! character design! environment! the deities! so much more!) and a lot more I can't cover, because I don't have the experience; this is me as a hobbyist artist who happened to take a couple design classes because I wanted to. The art style to this comic is so clever and creative and beautiful, though, I just had to go off about it. <3

...brownie points for getting all the way down here? Have a cookie.

[inkwolvesandcoffee]

First Times (Poly Relationship w/ John & Ghost Headcanons)

I spent the morning exploring Hackney, which is rich in breweries. While wandering about, I got to thinking, what if…

John starts working at a brewery when he retires from the army?

OR!

He starts a micro brewery/pub with Simon, who retires around the same time.

🍺 The two men set to work immediately to acquire the proper licenses and a premise. Fortunately for the both of them, they’re quite handy and so know how to create a lovely, albeit very manly, space without too much interference from contractors. After all, why hire others for work you can do yourself?

🍺 Honestly, the business is a dream come true for John. Owning a micro brewery was his Plan B should things not work out with the army. However, it’s because of his former employment, he’s become a better business owner. It’s through the development of his leadership and risk-assessment skills he managed to secure the rank of captain.

🍺 For Simon, the brewery is an unexpected ambition, a new dream to follow. While he lets John do most of the marketing (because Simon can’t be arsed with social media… being social in general), he’s mostly pre-occupied with the creation of new and improvement of the already existing craft beers.

🍺 The business steadily grows as word gets about town. Soon, it’s not only the local Hackney residents who pop by, but also people from other boroughs.

🍺 Including you.

🍺 Come from Inner London, the people of the area find you somewhat of a posh puppy, a bit of a toff. It’s this view of you which makes them wonder what on Earth you’re doing in East London, this artsy and not as affluent part of the city.

🍺 Nevertheless, you’re a sight for sore eyes if you ask Simon, who’s your old neighbour back from the few years you lived in Manchester after moving there with your parents.

🍺 Though gruff and distant in the beginning, Simon gradually warmed up to you. Despite never opening up emotionally, you two did develop a strong amiable bond. Maybe because you were the only one to greet him on the street, to ask about his career after catching a glimpse of the dog tag around his neck, to welcome him back each time he was deployed.

🍺 To show sincere interest in him.

🍺 Your parents weren’t a fan of you socializing with the giant in the skull balaclava, but they never told you off for it since you two always seemed to have a good time. Moreover, they rarely saw you smile unless you were with him. So they let it slide, prioritizing your happiness over their prejudice.

🍺 It was only in the spring before you moved without telling him where to and he was deployed yet again, Simon realized he had feelings for you. Nonetheless, he put them aside or, rather, suppressed them until they numbed. He had nothing to offer, fifteen years your elder and terribly haunted.

🍺 So imagine his surprise and absolute delight when you stand in front of him, prettier than he can remember. “Been a while, hasn’t it?”

🍺 “Y/N,” it’s the only thing he can say, finally out loud after years of uttering it in silence.

🍺 “Who’s this fair lady?” John slides up next to Simon, arms crossed as he takes you in. His sea blue eyes darken when they meet yours. “How can we help, miss?”

🍺 The way he practically purrs the words sends a pleasant shiver down your spine. Yet, you conceal the effect he has on you behind a steady voice. “I saw the notice on the window, about the open position. Has it been filled in the meanwhile or can I still apply?”

🍺 “She’s a good one, John. Hardworking, trustworthy, kind. Fast learner too,” Simon says pensively.

🍺 “Got experience in the field?” John asks.

🍺 “Studied psychology, during which I mostly focused on the effect of marketing on the human psyche. Also run a food blog and Instagram”

🍺 “Thank Simon properly before you leave. I trust his judgment and seeing he knows you best, I’ll take his word for it.” He slaps his business partner on the shoulder. “Drop by tomorrow and we’ll discuss your contract. I’m looking forward to working with you…”

🍺 “Y/N.”

🍺 “Y/N...” John repeats thoughtfully. Then he hums and heads off.

🍺 Thus begins a series of firsts and connections as you settle down in Hackney.

🍺 Over the course of a few weeks, the locals come to see you as one of their own as you show them you simply aren’t some girl with rich parents, a spoiled princess, but a young woman trying to make a life for herself with her own hard-earned money via helping at the counter and striking up conversations.

🍺 John and you grow closer too. He admires and respects your eye for detail and aesthetics, though sometimes he feels a little awkward when you’re trying to direct him for the occasional TikTok. Nevertheless, it’s your creativity that keeps drawing him in, igniting the need to keep getting closer to you. What also helps is you bringing him coffee or reminding him to take breaks (both with a kiss on the cheek later down the line).

🍺 Loves to review the content you create together, especially when you’re in his lap while doing so.

🍺 On your mutual days off, John drags you all over London to visit bakeries and cafés. Never had you thought him a foodie, though it’s a pleasant discovery since there’s always something new to experience on the food scene. Moreover, he loves helping you out with your own blog, not just the one you created for the brewery.

🍺 These days, you’re teaching him photography and are taking baking classes together. Although, you might as well go on your own to the latter because he’s a terrible baker (unlike Simon, who’s self-taught and surprisingly good, like, sale-appropriate why-doesn’t-he-have-at-least-a-micro-bakery good).

🍺 Your bond with Simon mostly rekindles via being his guinea pig. He knows how brutally honest you can be in your feedback, which he thoroughly appreciates. Outside work, the two of you frequent bookshops, have picnics in the major parks in London, and visit the city’s oldest cemeteries. The latter is a bit of a morbid idea of a nice outing, but you appreciate the silence and romantic sense of decay in the air.

🍺 It isn’t long before you take up residence in the apartment the two men share, which leaves the other residents of the building wondering about your relationships to one another. Although, they can guess at the nature of it seeing the “noise” at night. As I said, lots of first including a relationship with two men older than you.

🍺 But aside from the plethora of sensual moments, there are also plenty of tender (and domestic) firsts. For example, Simon accompanies you to your first tattoo appointment. When, the next day, you’re struck by tattoo flu, he takes care of you. Of course John doesn’t force you to come to work nor Simon for that matter, who you clearly need at the moment (despite claiming otherwise). Henceforth, you’re both granted PTO until you’re back on your feet.

🍺 Speaking of the former-captain, John is your very first kiss. You and him went out for pizza (Simon preferring to stay home and read). On the way to Hackney Wick, beneath a bridge heavily decorated with graffiti and sheltering a few barges, he put his hands on your cheeks and crashed his lips into yours. He tasted of tobacco and white wine, laced with the sweetness of tomatoes and basil. That night, he made love to you.

🍺 Another first.

🍺 Simon prepared breakfast the next morning, serving food to ensure John and you wouldn’t succumb to exhaustion later in the day. Nor him, for that matter, because while he doesn’t get jealous and loves sharing you with his best friend, he sometimes wishes you wouldn’t go at it till early in the morning when the next day is an ordinary work day.

🍺 You’re there for them when either of them suffers from night terrors or combat stress. Simon is more prone to the former, whereas John is to the latter.

🍺 You accompany Simon to therapy too after he’s been diagnosed with PTSD. At first he didn’t want to go, refused it even, until he finally relented after another episode of flashbacks and coming to his senses while shaking in your arms.

🍺 Life with John and Simon isn’t always easy nor romantic.

🍺 But bloody hell, do they make it better.

[yunshn]

OFF THE RECORD — when falling in love is the easy part — but staying is the real challenge

##SYNOPSIS — in where; a music producer gets called to produce a song for an ''unknown singer'', and rather falls in love instead.

or, in where; a model comes to visit her friend in another country for a short stay, only for everything to change and making the stay longer than expected.

1.2 studio days

PREVIOUS — NEXT

## PLAYLIST — off the record

?! TAGLIST — @hoonzsn @yunszn @sweetestjuyo

Days in the studio flow by quickly, but not without their challenges. I’ve gotten into somewhat of a routine; wake up, go to work, say hi to Sora, argue with Jaeyun for a few hours, grab a coffee, argue some more, and then go home.

Some improvements have been made, though. With the album, not our relationship. He’s still condescending, I’m still conceited. I don’t think anything in the world could make us get along. 

I won’t deny his musical talent, but when it comes to writing lyrics, I can tell he’s just barely scratching his surface. Why? Don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong and there really isn’t anything viable under that smug attitude.

-

“Did you change my beat pattern again?” I attack Jaeyun as soon as he enters the room. He’s amused again and I’m disgusted. “You know I spent like 2 hours on that yesterday.”

“It’s my song, I should have some input in it right?” he replies, getting geared up to go record in the adjourning room. I’m left with no opportunity to bite back, which might be better considering what i’d like to say.

One thing I do like about Sim Jaeyun. His voice. But only when he’s singing, not when he’s spitting backhanded compliments every two seconds. 

He knows how to sing very well, and is surprisingly cooperative with my suggestions and instructions when we record. It might be the only time we don’t fight about something. 

His accent makes every word a little sweeter, if that makes sense, especially when he speaks in Korean.

“Are we going to start today, Rae?” his voice pulls me out of my daze. He’s staring intently at me through the window between the rooms and I can't help feeling a little shy.

“Yeah, let’s go verse one,” I say through the intercom.

-

Jay is nice. Over these long work hours, I’ve had many instances where the members of ENHYPEN, Jake’s group, pop in for a bit to look at our progress. They’re not like him, stuck up and closed off, instead, they all greet me with a smile and even bring snacks to cheer me up. Still, I can tell they’re all quite close to Jaeyun and supportive of their bandmate’s solo debut.

Jay is a more frequent visitor, an American-Korean from Seattle who is surprisingly good at playing guitar. He’s got a real knack for production, which is big coming from me, and sometimes he even plays us something during our break. Honestly, I’m not sure how much Jaeyun likes him, since he always has this particular grimace on his face when we talk. 

This time, when Jay comes in our break, Jaeyun storms off somewhere. I could pretend I care, but Jay already knows I don't.

“Hey, Zoie, I wanted your opinion on this song I’ve been writing, do you mind?” Jay asks, guitar already in hand.

“No problem! Not like I have anything else to do, since he decided to take off,” I sigh internally.

Jay plays me a song so good it makes me wish I wrote it. Guess production isn't his only strength.

“Wow, I'm really at a loss for words,” I say sincerely, “this is great Jay, I’d love to work on producing this when you have the time,”

He smiles “Thanks, it means a lot, it took a while to get it to feel right.”

“See this is what I want from him,” I allude to Jaeyun “something raw. Unfiltered.”

“Trust me, I really believe he has it in him,” Jay says gently, giving me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “He’s just worried that if you hear it, you might truly understand him, and that scares him.”

“What are you guys on about?” Jaeyun barges in, a half-eaten box of cookies in hand.

“Nothing.” Jay and I say in union, Jaeyun raises an eyebrow before lying down on the couch.

-

The lunchroom is an odd place. There isn’t much conversation in there apart from the occasional hello and goodbye. I’m getting a snack, or rather trying to escape Jaeyun for a while. It doesn’t work. Like a puppy, he follows me outside of the studio without a word. 

He starts making that one pink instant ramen he’s lowkey addicted to (but don’t tell him I said that) in the kitchenette. I scroll through my phone, that’s somehow less interesting than my social life, and notice him sitting down to eat directly in front of me. I think if that ramen was a person it would file a case for assault.

“You eat like you haven’t seen food in months,” I comment, his loud slurping intensifying.

“That's because working with you is emotionally and nutritionally draining,” he replies in a muffled tone because his mouth is full. 

“Big talk for someone who writes like he’s scared of verbs,” I say, he laughs.

“You done?” he raises his face to look at me now, smirking widely.

“Only if you’re done pretending ramen will solve all your problems,” This time I cut a little deeper, but he doesn’t react.

Instead, he holds up his chopsticks, slightly orange covered curly noodles dripping from them, “Just say you want some” he says before shoving it all in his mouth hastily.

-

Sora is telling me about some fashion designer she doesn't like because of their unethical sources. I’m not paying much attention, except for the slight nod and “I agree” now and then. I’m thinking too hard, about the album, the deadline, the artist. We have about a month to finish all the tracks, but I worry it won’t be enough, especially with our differing interests and Jaeyun's lack of cooperation.

I hate him, really. It’s not just that he’s an overconfident jerk who critiques everything I do; he’s making my job harder than it needs to be. I’ve been making music for years and writing even longer, and I’ve rarely faced issues helping artists express their feelings through words. I just can’t get in his head.

-

The title track is almost done. It’s taken some trial and error, or a lot of it, but I think we’re finally down to a consensus on this song. Most of it is my work, with some of Jaeyun's suggestions making it in as well. He seems satisfied, showing it off to all members and colleagues who come into the studio.

The other tracks, however, have me stuck. They’ve all got a promising structure, but something is missing. I can feel it. I’ve been trying to work it out, lyrics are my strong suit after all, yet it feels wrong putting my emotions into a song that isn’t mine.

There are four more tracks in total besides the title track. 

“How long?”, which I assume is about a past relationship that was on and off, there’s some good lyrics, but again way too vague and repetitive. 

“Replay”, the one that is the closest to being finished there, because of its lighthearted nature that doesn’t require much effort on Jaeyun’s side. 

“Lowkey” is a song that I can’t really figure out, it seems that it’s about some kind of relationship, but it kind of swings back and forth, like the meaning is changing every time i listen to it. 

“Half Awake” is by far the trickiest one, and also the one i feel has the most of Jaeyun in it. From the minimal snippets and lyrics he’s showed me, I’ve deducted it’s about juggling a personal and professional life and the struggle’s that come with it. This song is one he doesn’t want on the album, mostly because he feels he can’t finish it. 

-

Jaeyun is annoying. No matter how many times I try to push him to be a little more honest in his songs, he brushes me off, making yet another snarky comment about how I’m “too emotional”.

It’s been two weeks of working together on the album. Today, he seems on edge. He isn’t protesting when I change out the filter on his voice recording. He isn’t judging the number of times I’ve taken a sip of my coffee in between editing. He isn't him.

“What’s up with you today?” I say, my voice as blunt as possible. He’s scribbling something in that notebook I’m not allowed to look at. I know there’s some good material in there, if only he’d let me look.

He doesn’t react, just sighs “Nothing, I wouldn't say the same for your face though.”

Wow, even his comebacks are bad today, something’s up. He’s not showing off his objectively beautiful face, but instead is covered up with the hood of his hoodie to the point where I can barely see his nose. Not to say i mind him being quiet for a little while, but it’s out of the norm.

“Will you ever let me see that notebook?” I ask, this time I'm sincere. 

“Why would I?” his voice doesn't falter even a bit, but he keeps readjusting himself in his seat. 

Now I'm furious, “I don't know! Maybe so I can actually help you make this album and not sit around here for hours waiting for you to open up!” I’m out the door in a matter of seconds.

Hopefully this provokes him, at least a little. It's not my job to deal with his attitude and a lot less to try and be his therapist.

[danmeitakes]

BINGQIU VS LIUSHEN/ANY OTHER SHIP WITH SQQ PART 1

BEWARE I HAVENT READ SVSSS IN A WHILE AND I MIGHT’VE MISSED SOME STUFF! Feel free to correct and give your opinions about this.

Theres gonna be two parts to this bc tumblr can’t take all my writing sooooo 😛

In the SVSSS fandom, I’ve noticed that compared to other mxtx’s novels, the mc gets shipped with half of the cast more often and is more widely accepted in the fandom compared to the tgcf and mdzs fandoms (if you ship Hualian or Wangxian with anyone, it will get you death threats, istg 😓). However, with Shen Qingqiu, while of course he gets shipped with his love interests, another really popular one is him with Liu Qingge and many other characters in the novel. I do think this also has to do with the fact that the fandom is more chill than the other two fandoms. Shen Qingqiu in general is just VERY shippable. But why? Why do some people like liushen more than bingqiu? Obviously, I know this is simply a preference, but why do people prefer it more than the canon couple? Well, I have some speculations. First, while I love Bingqiu, I can admit that their relationship is not for everyone; even for me, they’re my least favorite main couple of the three (it's just my opinion, DONT ATTACK ME🙏) because their dynamic can be seen as somewhat toxic. Luo Binghe is very obsessive and kind of yandare like in the novel, and yes, he does have character development and regrets his actions and never really wanted to hurt Shen Qingqiu. I personally don’t feel like we see as much of this development until the very end. At least for me, I feel like we should’ve spent more time with a changed Luo Binghe, and I KNOW he was influenced by Xi Mo. I still didn’t feel completely satisfied with the Luo Binghe arc. I do think we see more of his development in the extras, which is what made me like Bingqiu a lot more, but I just wish we could’ve seen this in the main story instead of optional extras because I think the extras really show Luo Binghe’s growth and his love for Shen Qingqiu in a healthier way. I am aware this boy is very mentally ill. While I’m not a writer, as a reader, I think mxtx could’ve done more for him because he can end up more dislikable for some people and just less appealing of a love interest. I personally LOVE Luo Binghe and how chaotic he is, but again, that is not for everyone, so I can definitely see why some people don’t like him as much. With Shen Qingqiu, this is a bit different. I felt that by the end of the novel he had massive progress and huge development for his character; even if he still has his flaws, you can really tell he has changed and grown throughout the story, but he’s still himself if that makes sense. I felt wayyy more satisfied with his arc than Luo Binghe's; however, I will say that Shen Qingqiu has this sort of shame. While I wouldn’t necessarily call it internalized homophobia, he does have this sort of stigma towards gay people and him being gay himself. And while it can be funny, if you really think about it, even by the end of the novel and in the extras he still has this shame of sleeping with Binghe and showing basic affection, but I won’t really criticize this much because he does improve in this a lot by the extras. By that point, it really feels more like shyness than the shame he felt at the beginning when he first discovered Luo Binghe's feelings. So I will argue that Shen Qingqiu arc is pretty well done and concluded by the end of the book; at least to me, it really did feel like he changed. Okay, so the second reason is because Bingqiu got together when they were both still ‘not at their best’. What do I mean by this? Well in tgcf Xie lian had to endure a lot of torture and experience several traumatic situations and almost released face disease and killed a bunch of people with it. He was clearly very mentally unwell! And for Hua Cheng, he also went through a lot of trauma with his mom dying when he was young and the abuse he went through from his father and the kids who made fun of him to the point where he wanted to end his life, and then later he became a ghost with his parasocial attachment to a god. We see these characters at their worst, but when they get together, they are already 800+ years old and have lived a long life and matured and learned from their experiences.

[maxdibert]

How do you think Severus would relate to a child of his own, if he had one? What kind of father do you think he would be?

There are so many possible answers to this question because it would really depend on the context in which Snape became a father (before or after the War), his child’s personality, and, of course, what his partner would be like. But, let’s assume we’re talking about a post-War Snape in an AU, because honestly, I can’t imagine canon Severus being a father in any way—it would literally be suicidal. Having a child would not only endanger his mission as a spy but also give his enemies perfect leverage to use against him. And he’s already suffered too much in life to throw in that level of angst. So, starting from a scenario where there’s no war and Severus can focus on being both calm and depressed (because he’d still be depressed, especially if he no longer has a clear purpose keeping him going), I don’t think the idea of fatherhood would really thrill him at first. It’s not like he’s someone who’s ever thought of having children, or at least he ruled out the possibility long ago. If he had a partner who wanted kids, I think he’d agree, but with a terrifying sense of dread about fatherhood because 1) his parental role models are terrible, and he never had a functional upbringing, and 2) he’s never really liked kids. It probably wouldn’t occur to him that maybe the issue is that he doesn’t like other people’s kids, but his own would be different. That’s why I think his partner would be a fundamental factor in this—supporting him throughout the process and keeping him grounded about his own traumas.

That said, I imagine him as a strict but supportive father, one who sets rules and commands respect but without using violence or verbal attacks on his children. He’d especially try to spare them the awful childhood he endured with his own father. But I still see him as the kind of dad who has rules and expects them to be followed, the classic type who cares a lot about grades and school behavior (he was a teacher for 18 years, after all). He’d probably see certain grades as failures if they didn’t meet expectations. He’d likely be a bit awkward with affection, although he’d find his own ways to make his children feel loved, valued, and accepted. He’d be a present father but would struggle to be fully emotionally open, though he’d likely improve this over time and with effort.

I also see him preferring to have daughters, or at least finding it much easier to bond with a daughter. I’ve always thought that it’s simpler for Severus to relate to women (Lily was his first friend, and the other person he spent time with as a child was Petunia, also a girl. As much as he picked on Hermione, he wasn’t as harsh with her as he was with Harry, Neville, or Ron. He seemed to have a fairly close relationship with Narcissa, etc.). Basically, most of the men in his life have been abusers (his father, the Marauders, Dumbledore manipulating and blackmailing him, Voldemort...), so he’s more at ease, or maybe just more himself, when he’s around women. I can see him thinking that he might not fully understand “girl stuff,” but that it’s better than having a son who’s into Quidditch and facing the prospect of not knowing how to deal with a boy who represents all the typical “boy” interests and behaviors that Severus doesn’t really embody. He’d probably have some anxiety over this—something common among men who don’t fit into stereotypical norms associated with their own gender.

Still, whether he had a son or a daughter, he’d try to provide them with a functional and stable home, where there’s affection and respect, allowing them to grow up with the security he never had. I don’t see him as an “easy” father because he has too much baggage, but he’d be aware of that baggage and try to address it when he realizes he’s messed up. He wouldn’t do that for others, but he’d do it for his children.

[butchsophiewalten]

For the character opinion bingo can yuo do felix..

This fucking guy. I have such a torrid relationship with this character. I've spent a lot of time joking about actively hating him, just because (especially back in 2021, when I first got into The Walten Files) there was such a gross oversaturation of these terrible, bland, thoughtless interpretations of the character. Like so many people saw this really interesting sort of character, and watered him down into something that was more personally palatable and sympathetic for them.

I don't know. Felix is so uninteresting when you don't hold him accountable for anything. I remember a lot of people trying to pin the responsibility for his actions onto the other people in his life, chiefly Jack, because they sympathized with his personal struggles and wanted to woobify him into a character who had never really done anything wrong. Which is such a shame, because that sort of wishy-washy attitude a lot of the fandom had taken towards his actions really soured me on him for a while. And that's not fair, because he's a genuinely fantastic and really interesting character.

I've always loved Felix when it comes to canon depictions of him, y'know? Because it's so free of that kind of Fandom Baggage. Even the good fandom Felix content has to bear the burden of that baggage a lot of the time, and it's worsened for it. But it's like, man, I always forget how fucking fascinating Felix is until we get some Fun New Canon, or someone in the fandom writes or draws something really good, and then it all comes back to me. I'm dying to see more of this character. I really want to get further into his head. I want to see exactly the depths of depravity he's willing to go to save his own skin, and I want to see how he justifies it to himself all the while.

I think a lot about his Formerly Positive relationships with other characters, too, because I think even before things went bad, Felix was always pretty self-centered. Very upbeat and overfriendly to the point where it seems, very obviously, like he's compensating for something. I think he cares a lot about what people think of him, but doesn't necessarily value other peoples' opinions. I think he very genuinely thinks of himself as the smartest person in the room, but is chronically resentful of everybody else in his life for outsmarting him. I really love the idea of everything with him being this sort of paradox. He's so self-deprecating, thinks so little of himself, but would move hell and high water to avoid actually changing and improving anything about his life. He's always so sorry, when he does something wrong and it blows up in his face, but the last thing he'd ever be willing to do is try and do better next time. He treats every tragedy that befalls him as some terrible innevitability he's subjected to, instead of the natural consequences of his own, controllable behavior.

I've already said I think Jack was a bit of an emotional anchor for him, in a way where Jack was this sort of representation of a Successful, Fulfilled man, so Felix really craved validation from him. He would always try, with varying degrees of success, to be on Jack's good side, because having Jack tell him he had done a good job made him feel that much closer to being the Pinnacle of Success he imagined Jack to be. And in this way, Jack was sort of dehumanized by Felix from the very beginning. Jack, in many ways, stopped being Felix's friend, an important person in his life, and started being this idyllic representation of a Good Man that Felix both resented and desperately clung to.

I think about this idea a lot when rewatching Guilty and hearing Felix try and justify his actions to himself through the lens of how Jack would feel. He had to bury Edd & Molly, because Jack would be devastated to see them like that. He could never do that to Jack, his best friend. Jack would be devastated. That's why it has to be a secret, why Jack can never know. He's doing good, he's protecting Jack's feelings. It's such a fundamental disconnect from the reality of the situation, and it feels to me a lot like he's projecting this imagined idea of Jack Walten onto the circumstances to soothe himself, and in the process is denying the real Jack Walten his autonomy in the situation. Jack doesn't get to be told what happened and decide for himself how to feel, Felix gets to decide how Jack would probably feel, and act on that instead.

Imagine for a moment, this same situation, but involving something much less terrible and serious. Maybe Jack has a nice vase in his house that he likes and is important to him. Maybe one day, Felix comes over and, when Jack is in the other room, accidentally knocks it on the floor, and it shatters. Felix, imagining how upset Jack would be to know his favorite vase was broken, sweeps it discreetly into the garbage, and plays stupid when Jack asks about it later. Now, Jack: 1. Never gets the closure of knowing that happened to this thing that he valued so dearly. He never knows if it was stolen or misplaced and is in one piece somewhere out in the world, or if it really was broken, and he should give up trying to recover it. 2. Never gets to decide what should happen in the aftermath of this vase being broken. Maybe he, too, was just going to sweep it into the garbage. But maybe, beforehand, he would take the opportunity to mourn this broken thing before it was out of his life forever. Or maybe he'd try to glue the shards back together. The point is not what he does, but the fact that he was never given the chance to decide what he would do.

I'm worried that last paragraph might come off as pretty patronizing. The point I'm trying to make is just that I don't think Felix really considers Jack as an autonomous person, and that's a really interesting part of their dynamic to me that I think is relatively really underutilized.

Apparently I have a lot to say about Felix Kranken. There's a lot more I could say, but this post is so fucking long already, holy shit.

[yukidragon]

if Alice, with Jack being motivation for them, finds confidence to return to the arts and finds a positive team of theater and musical group and she is more famous being unapologetically themselves

That sounds like a lovely idea. Honestly, this is one of the paths I'm likely taking for Sunshine in Hell. Jack is going to help Alice in her healing journey and vice-versa.

Content Warning: This post discusses toxic relationships, codependence, and other such unhealthy mindsets found in a story about yanderes.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur @kurokrisps

Childhood Friends and Co-Stars

Currently Alice is in a bit of a transitional period of her life, unsure of where she wants to go and feeling stuck. She had various dreams as a child, but somewhere along the way she let those dreams fall by the wayside. So much of her time and energy has been spent for the sake of those she loves, rather than for herself.

As the oldest child in a big family, Alice has had so much responsibility to care for her siblings. She learned to hold back on things she wanted for their sake. She also learned when she needed to be proactive to do things they were hesitant to do.

However, even more than that, her childhood friend needed her help so much. The more Alice helped Ian, the more she saw just how much he needed that help. As they got closer, she learned of all the abuse he went through at the hands of his mother, and how it made him feel shame for wanting anything for himself.

Ian had dreams that he was too afraid to pursue. He felt certain that he could never achieve them. His mother, Karen, beat into him how selfish and sinful he was, so he struggled with feeling like he was worthy of anything he wanted.

Alice went out of her way to help Ian ever since they were kids. She encouraged him to do things he wanted and to speak out for himself more. Whenever there was a school play in high school, she saw the way he looked longingly at the casting call, but lacked the courage to sign up for it. She would then act extra excited about the idea of joining before signing up for the audition and encouraging him to do the same.

The prospect of standing before a crowd when suffering from shyness was scary, but it was a lot easier when doing it with your best friend.

Ian was so insecure about whether or not he would do a good job, so they would practice line reads together every chance they got. The two of them honed their acting skills together and were very good at it. Alice helped him relax and focus on the part they were playing rather than the audience's opinions. Their rehearsals became like the play games of pretend as children, acting out fantastical scenarios. Adlibbing to tease each other and play around with the roles also helped them get into character.

Ian and Alice both struggled with shyness, being the center of attention, and bullying while growing up. Alice was able to overcome worrying about what other people think of her when it's for the sake of someone she loves, whether that be Ian or her family. Being able to overcome the issues "more easily" than he did was just another reason why Ian admired Alice so much.

Unfortunately, it wasn't actually easier for Alice. Going on stage didn't help her escape the snickers behind her back or the insults to her face. It just got her more attention, which is why she faced a number of unpleasant incidents in school, including a "friend" pretending to ask her out, only to reveal it was only a prank they filmed for DingDong (the TikTok-esque app of this world).

The comments that video got certainly didn't help her self-esteem.

Despite this, Alice did find things to enjoy about performing. She lost herself in the role and the story being told. It helped her learn how be more outspoken and better communicate with others. She improved her vocal range, being able to do voices better, and even sing well enough to get a leading role in a musical. Her fellow actors were generally nice and fun, save for the occasional jealous diva.

It was mostly off-stage that was the problem.

When they were in college, that's when things got more serious. Suddenly they were choosing to study things that would decide their futures. They had to take childhood dreams and make them into tangible realities that would pay the bills.

Were the good parts of acting enough to offset the bad? Would Alice really be happy doing this for the rest of her life?

A good teacher can help bring out a student's potential, and a bad teacher can snuff out the love they have for a subject. This is especially true if they judge you by different standards than the other students or outright discourage you from continuing because they're "worried" about you.

The performing arts professor in their first year of college had favorites in their class, and Ian was one of them. They saw so much potential in him to become a bright shining star on stage. He just had to get better at masking overcoming his insecurities. And maybe take care of his appearance a bit more.

The professor saw no potential in Alice except to be used. They didn't look past her gender and body shape. It didn't matter that she had a lovely singing voice, that she worked so hard, tried her best to get along with others, and was a good student. Because of her appearance, she would be forced to work harder than her peers who were more conventionally attractive.

Her best was never good enough in their eyes, not for them and not for the harsh world of acting.

The talk Alice and the professor had in private was crushing. The professor was showing "tough love" to Alice by "telling her like it is" and being "brutally honest" with her. They didn't sugar-coat anything, but coated their words with bile instead. There's no shortage of horror stories of terrible things that have happened to actors in the entertainment industry that went beyond awful comments online. This is especially true for women in the entertainment industry, regardless of their appearance.

The professor meant well, but was needlessly cruel in discouraging Alice from pursuing this dream.

Alice might have been able to dismiss the professor as "just another shitty teacher" if not for Ian. Under this professor's teachings, he truly flourished as an actor. He bloomed in a way he hadn't during high school even with all her encouragement. He got the lead part in the big performance for the semester and shone brightly like a star.

When Alice initially vented her frustrations about the professor going hard on her, Ian internalized her negative comments as something he did wrong. Ian really, really liked the teacher and they were so encouraging... Did that make him a bad person for liking someone like that? Did it make him a bad partner?

Wouldn't it also make Ian ungrateful if he didn't defend the professor that helped him so much? Alice wasn't lying, he would never say that, but maybe she was mistaken? It might just seem unfair because the professor was, as they said, just being brutally honest. There are different perspectives for everyone after all. The professor was so nice and just trying to help... They're a good person, and it felt like Ian was betraying them if he said otherwise.

With conflicts like this between people Ian likes, he defaulted to wondering if he was the one who was in the wrong. It's what he was raised to believe after all. According to Karen he was always, always wrong.

Alice soon learned to hold back on criticizing the professor. She hated upsetting Ian and didn't want him to feel guilty for liking their professor when she didn't. She didn't want him beating himself up over something he didn't do. It wasn't his fault.

Ian was so used to accepting everything as his fault that it was hard to convince him otherwise. Alice learned to be careful with what she said around him. Over time, she stopped saying anything was wrong in her life at all. It was less stressful for both of them.

Ian made so much progress in standing on his own two feet. Alice wanted to encourage that progress, not hinder it. She just had to be more careful not to trigger his trauma.

Ian's positive experiences with the professor, as well as those from many of her classmates, also planted doubts in her mind. These doubts only grew stronger the more her boyfriend blossomed in the class.

The professor was so kind and supportive to Ian and others. Their classes were fun when they weren't infuriatingly unfair for her. Was the professor going hard on her intentionally, or was that a sincere attempt to bring out her potential? They said they were going to push the students to their limits in their class. They did criticize her in an effort to help her get better. Maybe her instincts telling her that something wasn't right were wrong?

Maybe the professor really was right all along.

Alice didn't tell Ian the full details of her private conversation with their teacher. He knew that she had to stay after class to talk with them, and he did ask her about it later, but just smiled and said the professor was giving her guidance.

Ian did notice Alice being more "spacy" than usual for a while and she seemed checked out during the next classes. When she told him that she didn't think acting was for her, he thought that was the reason.

That was okay that Alice wanted to quit. Ian felt sad about it since they wouldn't be sharing acting classes anymore, but what kind of boyfriend would he be if he didn't support his partner's dreams? She always supported his after all.

Besides, Alice was still her usual sweet, supportive, silly self around Ian. There was no reason for him to think anything was wrong when she always managed to give him a smile.

A true actor knows how to hide their real emotions when putting on a performance.

Acting hadn't actually been the biggest dream Alice had as a kid. She had many dreams that she was interested in, some even more than being an actor. She learned to find joy in this particular dream and had discarded other dreams to pursue it.

Letting this dream die left Alice adrift. She gave up other possibilities for this one dream of becoming an actress alongside her partner. They were still together and Ian was still chasing that dream, but it seemed that dream was never meant to be hers.

So then... where did Alice go from here?

Learning to Let Go

Alice bounced around different classes and degree tracks, trying to find her bearings. There were other things that interested her, things she had fun entertaining in the past...

But could she really handle these different dreams? Alice had tried so hard and had given so much of herself to become an actor, only to learn that it was an impossible dream from the start.

What if these dreams were just as out of her reach, only she just didn't know it yet?

Alice didn't want to go through that again, but she knew that she had to find something. The capitalist society she lived in demanded that she choose a profession. So much money was sunk into college classes to get her that degree that would be vital for whatever career she would be stuck in for the rest of her life. Her very future depended on this.

And Alice couldn't talk about this with anyone. Not too deeply at least. Ian couldn't handle the weight of such worries. It didn't feel right to talk about it with her other friends when she wouldn't tell her own partner. Ian isn't just her partner but her best friend! They used to tell each other just about everything.

Ian had come so far... Alice couldn't hold him back... not when his mother was still actively trying to do so. Even now, Karen was still trying to crush her son's dreams.

Alice could confide in her family, at least to some extent. It was just small things though and not the whole scope of what she was struggling with. She didn't want to seem ungrateful to her parents after they invested so much money into her classes. Money was always stretched so thin in a big family and they saved up for her college since before she was born. She didn't want to accidentally discourage or intimidate her younger sisters when they started their own college classes. She had to be responsible as the oldest child after all.

So Alice kept her burdens to herself. She could shoulder them on her own. It wasn't fair to let others bear that weight.

She knew how crushing the weight of responsibility was when other people needed the strength of her support to stay standing.

I'm suddenly reminded of Surface Pressure from Enchanto. Maybe I should add that song or Anna's cover of it to Alice's playlist.

Really, these sort of pressures from her former partner and family are why Alice is living on her own in the present day. She knows she could go back to her childhood home at any time. She's always welcome there.

But Alice doesn't want to be a burden. Moving back home would be admitting failure. Money is tight for her family. It's tight for everyone. The best thing she could do for them and herself is to just keep standing on her own two feet.

Besides... maybe it's best that she learns how to take care of just herself on her own.

It was so hard on Alice when Ian moved away. She was so clingy to someone living across the country and busy making the dream he always wished for come true. She felt like a burden to him when all of her messages took so long to get answered.

And, really, that's part of what gave Alice the strength to move on. She learned that this sort of codependency between them was unhealthy. She and Ian needed to learn how to be their own person. Ian flourished on his own. He didn't need her as much as he thought he did.

Or as much as Alice always convinced herself that he did.

Alice has been spending time on a lot of introspection since the breakup. So much of her life was spent taking care of Ian. She did far more for him than even her family. She sacrificed so much. Even her dream of becoming an actor were ultimately because of him.

This isn't healthy, and Alice understands that now. She's learning to detach herself from Ian and all of his influence on her life. He's taken up so much space in her heart. She let taking care of him shape her, make her smaller. She made herself into someone who could uplift and support him.

Now Alice needs to support herself... and that means finding out who she is and what she really wants for herself.

There are so many things Alice likes and dislikes that have been influenced by Ian. He was always afraid that he was losing her when she spent too much time with friends or a hobby that he wasn't interested in. To alleviate his fears and insecurities, she most often focused on the joys that they could experience together.

Alice did genuinely enjoy acting. She's always loved playing pretend and acting out stories she enjoyed, even before she and Ian became friends. She would play such games with her younger siblings and stuffed animals all the time.

Alice still thinks about acting sometimes. She was good at it, and she knew it.

But how much of her love of acting came from her own passion for it? How much was because it was something she and Ian could do together?

Without Ian, could Alice find joy in acting again? Or would it just bring back painful memories like everything else that reminds her of him?

These are things Alice has been asking herself in the present day. Her job at Popov’s Big Top Yogurt-Topia is a placeholder job. It's something she can do to get money now when she needs it. It's not a dream she wants to pursue. She doesn't want to be there for even a year, let alone forever.

Her job at the library was better, but does Alice really want that to be her future? Can she be happy as a librarian? Sure she liked the job, but it wasn't something she was really passionate about.

Alice feels stuck. She's felt stuck ever since she gave up on acting, and it's only gotten worse since the breakup. She held herself back for so many reasons, usually influenced by other people. She wound up graduating with a general education degree after jumping around different possible majors without finding what she was passionate about.

The future is here, and Alice feels like she failed the ultimate test. She was supposed to have a career by this point, one she would find rewarding even might be hard, but instead she has an embarrassing placeholder job that works her to the bone. She's living alone with little time and energy left to spend seeking out connections with others, leaving her so lonely.

Alice doesn't regret what she did to help Ian grow, but she does miss that feeling of hope that she had as a child. She gave up so much of herself for him that she didn't leave enough leftover for herself. She thought that she could become anything if she just put her mind to it, and she tried so hard...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's a question all kids get asked, and Alice is still asking herself that. What does she want to be now? All of her dreams and thoughts of who she wanted to be have been broken, either by the world sabotaging it or by learning that it was unhealthy for her in the end.

For as long as Alice could remember, the future she dreamed of always had Ian in it. She thought that one day they would get married, have kids, and be happy together. She thought that they could have the type of happily ever after that her parents found in each other. Ambrose and Lycoris were childhood friends too after all.

Ian still wants that. Alice knows that they could still have a future together... but she knows she shouldn't. It's a dream still technically in her reach, but she knows now that it won't make her happy.

Acting is something Alice thought she could find happiness in too. Now her feelings for it are all muddled and confusing. Was it a dream that was just as unhealthy as the one where she and Ian could be happy as a couple? He played such a huge part in her having both those dreams.

How much of her dreams are tainted by the toxicity of their relationship?

Ian still calling Alice just makes it that much harder for her to separate herself from him. He keeps creeping into her thoughts, influencing her decisions, making her feel so guilty for wanting something that has nothing to do with him.

Alice always tried so hard not to grow apart from Ian, to the point that she stifled her own growth. Now, she's trying to untangle herself from him to find where he ends and she truly begins... but he just can't stop clinging to her.

Ian acts as a creeping vine, swearing that he needs her support to grow and flourish. He doesn't see that he could stand wholly on his own to seek his own sunlight. He doesn't want to.

The cheating happened because Ian started to find himself. He started growing as his own person, separate from Alice... He found desires and parts of himself that had nothing to do with her... but he didn't like how twisted his branches became. Once he started unleashing his true desires, things came out that he can't accept about himself. So he's trying to go back to what he knows, what's safe.

Encouraging Growth

When Jack comes into the picture, he does his absolute best to encourage Alice to rely on him more. She resists, not wanting to be a burden on him or to have another unhealthy relationship where she loses herself in the process of loving someone.

Alice has been trying so hard to figure out who she really is and what she truly wants.

Jack doesn't want to stifle her growth. Alice shines so brightly. It's a crime that the world keeps dimming that beautiful glow of hers. It hurts him to see how much of herself she still keeps restricted and suppressed. He wants to do all he can to encourage her to be unapologetically herself because no one has the right to shame or deny her what she truly wants or loves.

It takes a while for Alice to heal, and Jack comes a long way in helping her. For as much as she hesitates to burden him with anything, he is always so reliable. She learns that she can speak her mind to admit things that she was always afraid to. He doesn't buckle under the weight, but understands it.

Jack doesn't want Alice to see him as anything less than perfect, but he has moments where the mask slips. It's the same for Alice, really. She tries to present herself as strong, independent, and reliable.

It's when the cracks show in their weaker moments that they find understanding and support from each other. Alice and Jack are so afraid of not being the best version of themselves for the people they love. It's something they can both understand and help each other with when they learn bit by bit to let their masks slip.

When Alice had moments of being petty, frustrated, or sad, Ian would redirect those negative emotions as being due to him. It's what Karen taught him, as she taught him time and time again that everything bad that happened in her life was his fault for one reason or another. Alice couldn't stand to make Ian relive his trauma and be miserable because she couldn't handle her own problems.

In a way, Alice was punished every time she expressed some form of frustration or hurt.

Likewise Jack learned to mask or banish any part of himself that wasn't as squeaky clean as Sunny Day Jack. Joseph made countless mistakes, and those sins caught up to him, robbed him of happiness and love so many times...

As Jack, he had to mask all the time, always be in character once the makeup was on, but it was a fair trade. He was loved by so many. He achieved his dreams and gained so, so much. He couldn't afford to lose sight of his character and let the colorful clown makeup get washed away.

Alice flinches and worries that she might be hurting someone she cares about when she slips up with her mask. Jack starts to panic that he's going to lose everything when his mask slips.

It's in these moments of fear that the other is there to offer comfort and reassurance.

Jack doesn't redirect Alice's hurt and upset to himself. Alice comforts Jack and gently encourages him when he's less than his best.

These moments mean the world to these two broken souls. Over time they learn how to stop masking and how to start being themselves.

Understandably it takes Jack a bit longer to find himself than it does Alice, but they help each other a lot.

Jack helps encourage Alice to find what she loves. She enjoys listening to him ramble about SunnyTime Crew lore and gushing about whatever TV show or movie they watched together. She finds she has fun acting out scenes with him just for the sake of being silly and playful.

Acting, playing pretend... it's something that Alice always found joy in, and thanks to Jack she finds so many parts of herself that she let die over time.

So, yes, like you suggested with the ask, Jack is going to help Alice rediscover her love for the arts. She learns to let loose and be herself again and finally know who that is. It's only after she really finds herself that she discovers that she's fallen in love with him.

Still, even when Alice rediscovers a love of acting, singing, creating art, and such, she still isn't sure about trying again with an acting career. Though Jack encourages her to consider it, he doesn't push her. If she's not ready, or if she wants to do something else right now, then she should.

The pressures of what the world expects from her don't matter. What matters is that Alice is true to herself and what will make her happy.

Acting Out

I can't find the exact post among my headcanon ramblings right now, but I'm pretty sure I mentioned a while ago that I plan to have Alice act in one of Shaun's movies. It'll be his first big show after moving back to the area, and he wrote the part with her in mind. Jack will also play a part in the movie as a member of the special effects team.

I mean, really how can Shaun pass up the idea of having a real live(?) ghost(??) in his horror movie? It's the opportunity of a lifetime just for that reason alone! Jack can also be super useful with his powers. He can move stuff around without being seen, there'll be no wires, CGI, or green screen when he makes things float, particularly the lead actress.

It's also possible that Jack's powers have strengthened by this point thanks to Alice's love and belief in him. Maybe with if they fill each other with enough love might even be able to appear on camera too, at least as a spooky glitch effect.

However, it's going to take Shaun some time to get settled after the move and set up an entire movie shoot. It's possible that someone else could offer Alice an acting role first. Though unfortunately Jack isn't going to be as excited for this production...

Wouldn't it be so hard on Jack if Alice got the part in the SunnyTime Crew Show reboot, the totally new and original show that's never been seen on TV before? Ian got the lead role as Sunny Day Jack, and he's been learning to pull strings in the industry. What better way to make up for what he's done to his ex than by offering her the chance of a lifetime?

The worst part is Alice has many reasons to accept the role, even if it means working with Ian.

Money is tight, and the pay LambsWork Productions (or whatever they call themselves in the modern day) is no joke. It could solve so many of Alice's problems and leave enough leftover for her to send home to her family.

Plus, this is a once in a lifetime offer. Alice is a nobody in acting circles, a total unknown. Ian pulled a lot of strings to get her this opportunity. If she turns it down, she'll never have this chance again. She'll have to live with the question of "what if?" for the rest of her life...

Alice finally relearned her love for acting. She finally wanted to pursue that dream for herself. Turning down this opportunity would be so hard on her...

Then there's the aspect of Jack. When Alice learns that Ian is playing the part of Sunny Day Jack, it's going to be a shock to them both. It's their first real lead about Jack and the SunnyTime Crew Show. Alice scoured the internet since he first appeared, but she never found anything, but there was nothing. Now she actually has a chance to learn more about Jack, the real Jack, and how he and the tape wound up in her life.

Maybe if Alice takes the role, she could finally learn about the old SunnyTime Crew Show. Maybe she can find out what happened to it and how Jack wound up the way he is. Maybe if she understands more of how he got into this situation, then maybe she can help him live a more normal life.

Alice understands how lonely it must be for Jack to only have her as true company. She knows that letting him remain isolated like that is unhealthy, and it'll only taint their relationship. He needs the freedom to be able to interact with other people and really live in this world.

Alice also needs to know that if Jack is choosing to be with her because he loves her and not because he has no other option.

Ian thought he had no other choice but Alice, then wound up cheating on her. She doesn't want history to repeat itself with her new relationship... and she doesn't want Jack to cling to her out of desperation.

Alice wants a partner who could choose anyone in the world, but still chooses her every single time.

Alice might not know that Jack is yandere for her, but she has a clearer perspective on unhealthy codependent relationships now. She never thought she could find love again, so this time she wants to do things right. She wants it to be good for both of them.

So, with these three very good reasons, it's going to be practically impossible for Alice to refuse the opportunity.

It'll be okay though, Alice tells herself. She's gotten better. Thinking about and talking to Ian doesn't hurt like it used to. She's moved on. She's in a new relationship. She's so, so much happier with Jack than she's ever been before. She can handle this.

Maybe that's another reason to take the job. If Alice can handle working with Ian, then she can finally prove that she's fully let go of all those painful feelings of nostalgia holding her back. If she can get through this, she'll be so much stronger than she ever thought she could be.

Of course, Jack is going to have a lot of strong feelings about all this. Alice considering taking the job offered by her toxic ex is bad enough, but what the job is might be even harder on him. He's Sunny Day Jack, not Ian. The lines between his character and himself as an actor have blurred until his very reality has been warped. Before this, he didn't have to think too hard about the implications of his show and what it meant for the story that he's told himself about being the character Sunny Day Jack from CloudyTown.

If he's not Sunny Day Jack... then who is he?

Throwing his sunshine into the mix just makes things so much worse. Alice is offered the part of Cloudy-Belle Sue, but Jack knows the "real" Cloudy-Belle Sue. Sure he'd love to see Alice as a clown, but this doesn't make sense in his mind. They're not the same. He knows about acting, he understands, but he knows who Cloudy-Belle Sue is. He knows that the woman behind that makeup isn't his sunshine.

The makeup on these clowns is wrong. The costumes are wrong, the sets, the story style, the characterization. It's all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

The massive amount of cognitive dissonance involved with the whole thing would wreak absolute havoc in Jack's mind.

Jack can't let Alice know though. Even though he's learned to be himself more around her, he still can't accept being himself to himself.

He is Sunny Day Jack. This is the last shred of himself that he was able to hold onto after 40 years in that cold, lonely, sleepless hell. The episode on that tape still replays in his mind on an endless loop over and over and over and over...

Alice taking the job is going to be hard for Jack, but he can't stop his sunshine from doing anything she wants to do. She's finally come so far and started doing things for herself. Even if this was an offer from Ian, she wanted this. Sunny Day Jack would always encourage his friends to do what will make them happy, particularly his partner.

Jack can't remember the dangers involved with working for LambsWork due to blocking out all the bad memories of Joseph. He doesn't remember the sleepless nights, the overwork, the illicit substances, the stress...

The gunshot wounds...

Jack refuses to let himself remember all that, but it creeps in. He's on alert and more protective of Alice, hyper vigilant even as he tries to hide his worries behind a smile. They had come so far getting comfortable with showing each other their real feelings and flaws, but this causes him to slip back into familiar habits of masking.

Jack can't stop Alice from doing anything she wants to do. He also can't just passively watch as Ian tries to replace him as Sunny Day Jack.

Jack will support Alice, but that doesn't mean he'll stand idly by.

I haven't fully planned how it will all go yet, but ultimately Alice is going to get some answers and Jack's mask is going to crack. What else might happen is up in the air at this point.

Of course Sunshine in Hell is all about broken souls healing. It's going to be very hard on both Jack and Alice, but they'll support each other through it.

Needless to say, Alice is going to have a much nicer acting experience with Shaun and his crew. Jack is going to find it far less stressful too. Sunny Day Jack's version of horror might be tame compared to what Shaun creates, but I have a feeling Jack might be able to accept that his own tastes differ from the character he played for over 40 years.

Jack might not be comfortable with being Joseph again, and he might have conflicting feelings about reclaiming his role as a star, but he'll always want to encourage his sunshine to shine her brightest.

Regardless of what happens with the new SunnyTime Crew Show reboot, Alice can still find her place in the spotlight. She has people who love her and will support her, and she's earned this chance to shine. After the movie will be other opportunities to act and to find out of this dream is what makes her the most happy.

If nothing else, by taking these opportunities and returning to the dream that she once abandoned, Alice can finally let go of these regrets weighing her down. She can truly pursue this dream for herself this time, and find out how far she can really take it.

Even if her acting career doesn't work out, this will show Alice that it's never too late for her to try again. There's no deadline to become a success and no final exam to judge her worth in life. Even if she stumbles and falls, she can still get up and keep trying to find herself and what will make her happy.

What's important are the people around Alice who can support her and she can support in return, without either side becoming a burden on the other. With good friends, a caring family, and a loving relationship with a partner she can truly trust, she'll be able to find a future that finally helps her feel fulfilled.

Alice doesn't have to let the past weigh her down. She can always look towards the future and make it whatever she wants it to be. It's a lesson that Jack will learn right alongside her. They will learn it together both as a couple, and as separate individual people.

After all, it's important to understand yourself and your own needs and dreams without getting lost in the desires and opinions of other people.

[lovevalley45]

#fictober24 - day sixteen

"No, I'm not okay."

fandom: dc's legends of tomorrow

word count: 790

If Behrad had been given more of a chance in the matter, he would’ve preferred not being sent to a boarding school across the country. But the alternative had been staying on Keeping Up With The Tarazis, and if some moment taken out of context became another meme, he would do something he’d regret. 

So, Hunter Academy it was. 

There were some perks. His parents had enrolled him under a fake last name, Tomaz, which meant he’d flown relatively under the radar. Especially since he’d spent most of the last year hiding from the cameras in every inch of their house. The current rumor the gossip magazines were pedaling was that he’d been sent to rehab which - okay, he was a bit of a stoner, but he’d never done any “hard drugs”, or whatever. He didn’t even drink. 

The other perk was Astra Logue. 

When he’d arrived to Astra, she was one of the first people he’d met outside his roommate, Gary. She was beautiful, smart, and a little bit of a mean girl - exactly Behrad’s type. So maybe he’d immediately become smitten with her. 

 He was supposed to meet her to study for their physics exam during their free period, but instead he ran into her while she was talking to Ms. Moirae, the academy’s classics teacher. The two of them were right outside the empty classroom they’d planned to lampoon to study in.

Behrad felt- no, knew he shouldn’t eavesdrop. Whatever Astra’s relationship with Ms. Moirae was, he didn’t know for sure. But she complained about her - Lachesis - often enough that it certainly wasn’t just a student-teacher one. 

“I don’t like you hanging around that boy,” Ms. Moirae was saying. “It’s not a good look for you, Astra.” 

His blood went cold. Had she figured it out? Or was she going to bust his ass for being a stoner? 

“All we’re doing is studying,” Astra replied. “You really do think so little of me.”

Ms. Moirae scoffed. “Just studying. Sure. This is your junior year. If you want to get into a good college, you can’t waste your time with slackers." 

Now that he was offended by. Just a touch. He definitely was a procrastinator, but if his parents suspected that he wasn't putting enough effort in, he had no doubt that they'd drag him back to LA for KUWTT. 

"He does better in physics than I do," Astra replied. "God forbid I want to improve my grade before Dr. Stein gets on my ass-" 

"Then find another study buddy." 

"Gideon had to jump through hoops just to meet your high standards. It's not that easy." She rolled her eyes and glanced down the hall. When her eyes landed on him, he jumped. Behrad really didn't want to get in the middle of this. 

But Ms. Moirae didn't seem to notice him as she went on. "See, I don't see why you can't just study with her. I know there's the time difference, but she's much better suited." 

"You know what? Behrad, I see you hiding over there," Astra said. With a huff, she stomped away from Ms. Moirae - and towards him. "We better just come clean." He barely had time to react before she was leaning in to kiss him. 

It was a brief peck, but it was enough to answer his burning question of what it'd be like to kiss Astra Logue. Her lips were soft against his, even in that brief moment. She smelled nice, like lavender. To pull him close, she'd taken a fistful of his school-mandated button down, and her touch lingered even as she turned back to face Ms. Moirae. 

"You caught us. We're dating." 

Behrad could almost see the steam coming out of Ms. Moirae's ears as she looked at him. Shit. He was so going to get expelled. 

But she merely said, "We are going to talk about this later, Astra," before she turned and headed out of the hallway. 

Astra let go of his shirt and stepped away. "Sorry. I knew it'd startle her so much she'd get off my back." 

That confession hurt, just a little. "Oh." Behrad shoved his hands in his pockets, unsure of what to do with them. "Are you… okay? I kinda heard a lot of that." 

"No, I'm not okay." She huffed. "But… if you're worried about having to pretend to be together, she'll force me to break up with you this evening anyways." 

"I wasn't worried about that," he said, though he absolutely had been. 

Astra readjusted her bag, looking as if she was finding words to say. Finally, she said, "Come on. Let's go study."

She walked off before he had time to answer. Behrad took a deep breath. "Yeah. Okay." 

[purplebass]

I always find it amusing when in A gathering of shadows, Kell doesn't know that Lila is back, yet he senses her presence and thinks his sight is playing tricks on him. He thinks he's probably being delusional because he just misses her so much and has a strong desire for their paths to cross again, so he is seeing Lila in all the things that remind him of her. A black coat. Dark short hair. A lean body. Their little time spent together had such an impact on him, that he craves for that to happen again, to see her again. I like that Kell and Lila's encounter after four months apart begins at the Night Market. Lila paid her debt to Calla and Kell just missed her by a couple of minutes. Lila pretends to be Stasion Elsor and attends the party at the palace and sees Kell, who thinks he reminds him of Lila, but he believes he is deluding himself again. Then they fight in the Essen Tasch. He is Kamerov and she is Stasion, and both are wearing a mask (literally and figuratively). Kell loses, and thinks Lila will leave again, her pretense discovered by the person she was running to and from. And then the story repeats, but differently: Lila goes back to the first stop, Calla's shop, and goes to the second place where they've crossed paths, the royal palace. It is yet another side of Lila who faces Kell. A Lila who is wearing a dress and who even accepts to dance with him, only to go back to being Stasion for the final match, which she loses. Along with her loss, it is Kell who also loses his patience and finally snaps. There are many reasons to why he does this, and one of those is affection. Love. Kell fell in love with Lila and he sure doesn't want her to get hurt because of her recklessness. Rhy tells Lila that Kell wears two faces: one for the world at large, and one for those he loves. Rhy is accustomed to his "love" face because Kell loves him. But after being bound to Kell and feeling what he feels, Rhy realizes how much Kell cares for Lila too. How he can't keep her there if she doesn't want to -letting go is also an act of love- but also how she disregards her life and the life of others in order to feel the thrill or whatever she wants to feel, which Kell can't do as he is not a free man. And I think Kell is attracted to Lila because he envies her freedom and a bit of her recklessness. He might be a prince but he is bound to the crown (he literally ends up in jail after he runs away in AGOS) so this is why it is important that by the end of the trilogy Rhy lets him go and Kell and Lila's relationship -which is complicated- seems to have improved much after ACOL and they are still together in TOP

[the-oracle-of-the-lost]

5, 13, 25 and 29 for the ask game

thank you!! ask game here!

5. If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

ultimately And They Became Monsters (the fall of great men) will always be my favorite multi-chapter work just because i spent sooooo long on it and it really pulled me back in to loving writing again, but at times i do re-read some of it and cringe a bit just because i do think my writing has massively improved since i wrote some of the earlier chapters. so by default we pick ourselves undone has to be my favorite in terms of actual skill.

13. Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?

my great shame as a massive Doctor Who fan is that i'm absolutely shit at writing for the Doctor. i can manage alright with certain Doctors if they're a side character but i truly cannot get a handle on their character/demeanor/dialogue well enough to ever write from their POV or as a central character. i think it's a larger problem of having difficulty writing characters who i feel are so largely dependent on their actors to bring them to life that i feel like i can't authentically capture their voice (Sisko is definitely in this camp).

25. Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

i'm not a big crier even when i'm emotional but i do remember crying a bit when i wrote this section for And They Became Monsters (the fall of great men):

“I told you that you mattered. All children believe they matter.” Neutral, impassive, infuriating. He wasn’t belittling. Maybe to him, Braxiatel was still a child – the wayward son fallen far away from a distant and demanding father. Maybe that was the truth. What a cruel family he’s created. Just another cycle. Ad infinitum. And here they were, blame circulating around and around. Things would never be resolved. Things would never heal. Braxiatel didn’t even want to heal. He wanted to leave this jagged cut deep inside – so deep that maybe the wrong Braxiatel felt it – because if there was an ugly scar for all to see that meant all the hurt was real. His bitterness and anger was justified because wasn’t healing just erasing? Forgetting the hurt meant letting it happen again and again, and there’s another cycle because he just can’t seem to get away.

partially because i was almost done with the fic and was getting to the Big Confrontation i had been working on for years and partially because i realized that i was very much putting a lot of my own feelings on abusive/damaging relationships into the text but it was very cathartic to write.

29. Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

honestly a lot of my stories with a low kudos/hits count are extremely niche so i'm not bothered by them not getting much love. but i am a little salty that i wrote one Steven Universe fic that i still think is pretty damn good and is by far my most kudosed and read fic and still the only comments i've gotten on it are from an irl friend and someone complaining that i didn't portray Pearl/Rose the way they liked even if i literally tagged it as a toxic relationship and was pretty aligned with canon...... i'm not that mad about it but i do find it ironic that i get a lot more comments/encouragement writing fic for obscure Doctor Who books that have been out of print for 25 years than for a mainstream cartoon show with a massive fandom. just goes to show that smaller fandoms are better i guess.

[starman-john-tracy]

If you could be a pro at any sport, what would it be?

How do you relax after a stressful day?

What does being a man mean to you?

 Would you describe yourself as more of an introvert or an extrovert?

 Do you want kids? Why or why not?

What's your biggest phobia?

If you had the day off with nothing to do, how would you spend it?

"Handball." John laughs, "Though Lady Penelope has been trying to get me down and onto her tennis court for quite a while now. We used to play during the semester I spent at Oxford."

"How do I relax...?" If John's honest; a lot of his days end up stressful. Especially when Scott decides he wants to throw himself off the nearest cliff with a malfunctioning jetpack. Two blue-clad fingers pinch hard at the bridge of his nose as if John's trying to get rid of the last tendrils of a tension headache.

"I've been in Thunderbird Five's botany lab." He confesses. He definitely isn't hiding there, and if he is, then, well, he's gotten plenty of work done to show for it. "It's good to see things growing, you know?" It's almost a guarantee that, if it's been a rough day, John will either be in there or up with his telescopic array, sitting quietly in amongst his stars.

As for 'what does being a man mean...?'

"That's uh- a weird question." John blinks at it. "It just sounds, um, very archaic, you know? It is 2067." He does take a second to think about it though.

Being a man, to John, mostly means privilege. He's well aware (and if he weren't, Kayo would have kicked his ass out of orbit by now) that his pale skin, handsome jawline and family fortune have definitely gotten him further in life than some of his more diverse peers. John's spent a lifetime trying very hard to make sure it's his ability, his smarts, not his surname, that earns him recognition. The papers call him the most elusive Tracy for reasons beyond his home in orbit.

Scott uses it the most, he thinks. His oldest brother has just always had that all-American war hero look to him: coded into his neatly slicked brown hair, summer sky eyes, and straight, Anglo-Saxon nose. Everything about Scott Tracy suggests valour and power and a good, firm handshake. It certainly gets their Father's company its share of important business deals.

John's mostly just glad that they're trying to do some good with their influence. It's down to the people in privilege to help those society is far less kind to, after all.

He thinks that's pretty noble. Then thinks Kayo would kick his ass for that too.

"I'm definitely an introvert." John laughs, when asked. He rubs his hands awkwardly up and down both arms as he considers it - like he's either cold (which is very unlikely on a finely tuned, temperature and humidity controlled space station) or physically trying to remove the sensation that the thought of people watching him has brought. "Always have been. It's probably a bit strange when my job is literally communications, but at least I get to do it from 22,400 miles away, and it doesn't involve canapes or small talk."

The wrinkle in John's nose doesn't improve at the mention of kids.

"Uh." The spaceman blinks, "I think I'd be happy enough as a weird Uncle to any children my brothers might want to have." John decides, after a long moment. It's not something he's ever really thought much about; considering the majority of the Tracy's are either too young or lacking a committed relationship. John, as an asexual, is perfectly content with his only girl being Thunderbird Five - fully dedicated as he is to his life amongst the stars. No, he's got very little time or desire for relationships or offspring, John thinks firmly. The gravity ring is the only kind he needs.

"My biggest phobia?" John bites his bottom lip. He's starting to get uncomfortable, but settles on; "Langstrom Fischler and what he tries to call inventions." Because John doesn't really have any classic phobias, per say; he’s not afraid of darkness, heights, or the endless void of space. Even being all alone so often doesn’t bother John half as much as it probably should, and he accepted the statistical probability of his own death, up in orbit, a long, long time ago. If he's actually afraid of anything; it's simply something happening to his brothers, the way it happened to their parents.

"What's a day off?" He adds, trying to re-find his grin, "Never heard of them." Though, John thinks, it would be nice to take Alan out to the space center again. To see the observatory. They've not been since... well gee, not since he finished his tour with NASA and International Rescue really began operations. That’s... an absurdly long amount of time, even if Five does have a better telescopic array. "You know," John says, "Now that I’ve got Eos to keep an eye on things up here for me, I think it's about time I owe my brothers a day out."

[strawberrystepmom]

this is low key inspiring, because ngl the holiday period is always a bit hard onto me because there's always the constant prodding questions of why I haven't gotten a boyfriend yet, as the eternally single niece/granddaughter/friend.

(like I kid you not, on saturday I went out with two friends and I mentioned in passing that I chatted up through sessions with my physiotherapist and it was all like 'oh you should find out if he is single' or 'do you like him?' - which I don't I... he's just doing his job and keeping me company, because he is nice).

and like the dating system is ... shitty. not saying everybody is like that but undoubtedly it's gotten to the point where it isn't a necessity for me to have a boyfriend or a significant other just to have other people satisfied.

like I am doing my dream job and have good friends. I do feel satisfied, especially not having to change an hypothetical boyfriend's diaper, as I do know some of my friends tend to do.

I always felt bad for being on my own and having boundaries that clearly pushed off some of the potential suitors, but as you said it ain't worth the price of losing so much freedom and time that could be spent improving yourself.

either way, you rock and have a lovely day!

nosy friends and family are always so frustrating bc it's like they cannot fathom somebody being happy as a person on their own. i'm so sorry you had to experience the prodding and tbf i think as a society we just all need to stop asking people about their romantic lives unless they've decided they want to share them. it's just polite!

one of the most important aspects of living a happy, whole life imo is being comfortable with and enjoying your own company. we find ourselves alone more often than we realize. the person you truly go to bed with every night is yourself - body, mind, and soul. sometimes relationships can make your relationship with yourself healthier and more balanced but the pressure to just put your desires aside and adhere becomes soooo strong when you're with a partner that isn't willing to be one. it's insane. and that's not to say relationships aren't amazing bc they are but only when they're good and everyone is actively participating.

keep focusing on you! your dreams and goals matter more than fulfilling some stupid societal expectation people seem to have bc romance is not the be all end all and if you need some, romance yourself. take yourself on a date. listen to lovely music and sway in your kitchen.

that the love you may find yourself without in your life always can come from within to begin with.

[mad-hunts]

oh. well, i suppose it's headcanon time once more, because i have way too many ideas regarding barton haha — so this may be a bit of a shorter one, but i believe it's equally as important as the one's i've posted thus far, because it really says something about how barton interacts with the world and how his brain works. but let me just start by saying that although barton does appear to have a relatively healthy relationship with food... he does occasionally hoard it, like, subconsciously as a result of the part of his childhood that he spent with wesley ( his biological father ). and this is because he was very much suffering from food insecurity while he was with his bio father. this is because wesley had lost his job as a forester whenever barton was around the age of five due to him missing too many days of work, not only because of how much his bloodthirst was taking over his life, but barton's life as well. he was forcing barton to go along with him on the super twisted ' hunting trips ' that i have talked about before that he unfortunately had to learn to endure with him ( which of course, in actuality, he never should've been forced to do ) about three times a week at one point and so that didn't really leave much time for wesley to attend work as much as he should've been.

and from there, wesley struggled a lot with finding a new job + providing for barton and him, so whenever he had access to food, barton would hoard it underneath his bed or in someplace where he knew that he knew he'd be able to find it because he wasn't sure when he'd be able to eat again. which is... very sad to think about, to say the least. thus, i think in more ways than one, meeting winslow at eight years old was probably the best thing for barton. winslow not only had a stable job, after all, but was a significant improvement in regards to how good of a father figure he was to him. i feel as if he never quite got over this insecurity, however, and that's why he sometimes still does it even till this day; especially since, although barton is NOT a good father overall, there is one thing that he's done right in regard to them and that is making sure that they were always put first in regards to getting to eat something. so hoarding food for him is also kind of a ' safety measure ' in a way as well because he has always been of the mindset that him being hungry is less important than them being hungry because of what wesley put him through as a child.

but yeah, that's just another one of my two-cents about barton's situation and how his mind as a whole works. he will quite literally sacrifice something like that for his children one second, though the next, he is liable to do something that makes it seem like he doesn't care about them at all... which admittedly makes him kind of confusing BUT i think there is reasoning behind this and one of those being that he can definitely feel cognitive empathy towards people, but actually putting himself in their shoes? it's much more difficult for him and sometimes nearly impossible because of how skewed his mind is. i shall expand more upon that another time, however, and what the term actually entails. i hope this didn't bum y'all out too bad but i promise you that i'll try to post more ( semi?? yeah, perhaps that ) fluffy things in the future.

[stillwinterair]

Howdy kids

My name is Dee! It's not the name I went by for most of my years on Tumblr, but it's the one everyone knows me as. You might remember my url as nyriad, visovari... I went by a bunch of others too, but those are the only two I seem to remember now 😅

The last time I was on Tumblr, I was in the middle of a very difficult period of my life that I didn't really have the tools or support to navigate. But sometimes you gotta go a lil wacky and make some fresh new regrets so you can grow up a lil bit wiser and sexier

I quit the internet pretty much cold turkey for a while and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent a year pretty much focusing on nothing but my immediate surroundings, living in my own skin, learning how to love myself. I've gotten a lot more comfortable being myself, and have grown a lot more connected to the earth.

In my time away, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which even just the diagnosis has significantly improved almost every facet of my life. I've gotten so many new tools and so much new language to express myself and my needs. I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me and let go of a lot of shame that I held around myself, my work flow, my ability to focus, my needs for rest, etc. As I've met more people with ADHD, I've grown a lot more empowered and confident. I'm still figuring out what medication works for me (Adderall and Concerta are hell incarnate; Ritalin and Vyvanse are the bee's knees). It's been revolutionary and healing, honestly. Reading the book "Driven to Distraction" was an important first step that I recommend to everyone who's ever thought they might have ADHD, or if you were like me, always felt stupid and slow and always wondered why you never could quite get around to doing all the things you want to do.

I am also currently pursuing a diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, as per my doctor's suggestion. I won't get into it too much here, but it is a chronic illness that has made the last year pretty difficult. I have a lot of severe chronic joint pain and lethargy, and it's been... a lot. I'm starting physical therapy soon. This part isn't fun to talk about, but it's becoming an important part of my identity.

I've also met the love of my life, my soon-to-be fiancee, Nathalie! We were inseparable pretty much from the day we met, and spent a year as best friends. And then after that year the sexual tension became too much to handle, and now another year later, here we are, stupidly in love, utterly obsessed with each other, turning every single day into a fun, wacky, new adventure lmao. We've built the most beautiful, trusting, communicative, intimate relationship I've ever experienced and I am so filled with pride and joy and love and happiness every day. We're still best friends -- no force on this earth could ever get us to shut up when we're in the same room. She just fills me with butterflies and glee and light. Nat has this burning desire to create in whatever the most tactile medium she can find is. She loves mechanisms and fibers and all of the ways different materials interact with each other. She inspires me every day to be more open and honest and to pursue whatever creative venture has caught my interest, and I do the same for her. We dance together, create together, and share big emotions and life goals and it's just the most beautiful thing I've ever felt, and this paragraph could go on forever if I don't end it right now

I've also finally started to settle into my writing flow. I've got a space opera that's really beginning to take shape and I'm pretty proud of what it's turning into :) I also have a fantasy saga that's following a few steps behind. Both are things I've been working on for nearly a decade in fits and spurts, but I've done more work on them in the last year than in all previous years combined. I've gotten into more artistic mediums as well: oil painting, photography, beading, and so on. And very into fashion, kind of. Y'all should see my wardrobe these days -- bright colors, crazy patterns, wacky silhouettes. I feel like I finally look like myself. I'm currently rocking a purple mullet and a mustache, so... yeah, I'm having fun with it

I'm not sure how many of my old friends and mutuals are still hanging around, but I wanted to say hey, track a few of you down, and give a little update on how things are going for me post-Tumblr. I am alive, and I'm pretty happy these days. Some days I miss it here, and while I'll never come back in the same capacity as I used to, I wanted to reconnect with some of my old friends that I used to talk to and hang around with every day! I'm gonna poke around over the next while and see who's still around :) honestly I still think about some of y'all on the daily, and I got too curious about how my old friends were doing.

If you want to keep in touch, I'm on Instagram as deehollandaise. I'm on Discord much less often, but if you want to connect there, shoot me a message and I'll share the deets. Warning that I am just straight up not involved in any fandom stuff these days. It's just not for me anymore.

I will be retiring this blog in the new year, setting the whole dang thing to private and probably starting a new one with which to share some of my creative projects. I'll let y'all know about it before that happens.

I don't know, this is all kinda word vomit, I guess I just wanted to let all my old friends know that I'm still here and that I'm finally figuring myself out. I've got a lot to be proud of and grateful for and I've barely scratched the surface, so I'll leave off with some recent photos. Have a hot & sweaty 2024, you sexy things 😘

- Dee

[vidreview]

VIDREV: "A.I. Filmmaking Is Not The Future. It's a Grift." by Patrick (H) Willems

[originally posted august 22 2023]

I worry that young aspiring filmmakers will see these [AI-generated film trailer parodies] and choose to use AI instead of actually going outside and putting their hands on a camera. That, to me, is just depressing as hell.

i have an on-again off-again relationship with the video essays of Patrick Willems. he's one of the very last video creators consistently carrying forward the internet-critic tradition of framing criticism with fictional elements as if the review is occurring in a story, and he's been unwavering in his commitment to the bit for damn near seven years now if not longer. unlike a fair few who've utilized this device in the past, however, Willems is himself an experienced filmmaker with a stable of consistent collaborators helping both behind and in front of the camera. this means his videos are, generally speaking, well-edited and pretty nice to look at. this experience also factors heavily into his criticism, leading to work that is consistently appreciative of and empathetic towards the innumerable material challenges faced during any given production. he is well-versed in film history and cares deeply about the art-- so he uses his criticism as an opportunity to play with cinema instead of simply commenting upon it. as a film school graduate who worked grip/electric for a few years and now makes video essays myself, i think that's pretty cool.

unfortunately, i sometimes find the finished work a little… lackluster. there are a couple videos i really, vehemently disagreed with (looking at you Rewriting The Matrix Sequels), but most of the time it just leaves me a little nonplussed. to be clear: his stuff is never bad, and i've actually found his recent work to be a marked improvement (that Bollywood video is the kind of thing i DREAM of making!), but overall i guess i'm maybe a little too familiar with the specific knowledge pool he's drawing from to get as much out of his stuff as i'd like. relatedly, while i admire his use of the fictional framing device and have nothing but enthusiasm for its continued use… i just, uh, also, kind of, don't really get a whole hell of a lot out of it when he does it most of the time. it's low budget amateur film-making, the quality of which is all over the place. but i am also someone who has spent a lot of time thinking about the video essay's capacity to fuse art with criticism, so i can be probably unfairly harsh when i feel it's not "properly" utilized. the fictional framing device at its best complements the criticism either literally or symbolically, and i find that in Willems' work they're often more distracting than complementary.

actually, before i explain why any of this commentary is relevant to the video at hand, i want to go on something of a tangent. one of my favorite single-video uses of the fictional framing narrative is Hbomberguy's Ctrl+Alt+Del essay, but my gold standard for its multi-video use is in RedLetterMedia's film review series Half In The Bag. the latter Plinkett Star Wars Prequel reviews arguably set the mold here (for better and worse), which RLM carried forward through at least the first two or three years of HITB. basically, every review is framed as two VCR repair guys not repairing VCRs and instead talking about the movies they just saw, then charging Mr Plinkett for that time as billable hours. i like their implementation because while the framing devices are in-character, the facade is completely dropped the instant they get into review territory. Willems is similar in this respect, which i think is good. too much fiction in the body of the criticism risks breaking the back of the whole essay.

in those first years, HITB did a pretty admirable job of using the fiction to comment on their subject. one of my favorite examples from this era is their review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, where they spend the bulk of the review talking about the empty excesses of Michael Bay's frenetic, messy action setpieces, full of tonally inconsistent and sophomoric humor… only to end their review with an excessive, sophomoric, disgusting five minute setpiece where two adult men roll around in fake diarrhea and vomit all over themselves. you really just have to see it for yourself, it's a masterpiece of gross-out humor done for a good reason. as the years wore on they eased up on that fictional framing device, until covid happened and it suddenly came roaring back to great effect. they've eased up on it again since then, which i think is good. you can tell when these things are perfunctory. the fictional frame is at its best when it's as playful as it is purposeful.

okay, so what the fuck does any of this have to do with Patrick Willems' video on AI film-making? the short version is, it's got me rethinking how harshly i judge this specific variety of amateur film-making.

to summarize, Willems here is discussing viral AI-generated parody trailers of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Avatar in the style of Wes Anderson, released by a company called Curious Refuge. this one's clearly coming from a personal place for him, and not just because he made a parody trailer for Wes Anderson's X-Men back in 2015. he has a lot to say about every AI-booster's fabulous yarn about how they're "democratizing" art creation, specifically that it's bullshit nonsense. i've gotten in trouble for expressing similar sentiments on twitter (which i can't link to because my account was permanently suspended over """death threats""" and honestly? good fucking riddance), particularly the insistence that LLMs and image generation algorithms make art accessible to some vaguely defined disabled population. it's an offensive notion on a number of levels-- it relies on an ableist assumption that art-making is somehow inaccessible to disabled people, as if specialty tools do not exist, as if the paralyzed have never painted, as if the blind have never written books. it assumes that art is somehow a secreted and gatekept skill, and not the single most common human compulsion outside of our basest needs. but even if these were nonfactors, there is simply no amount of accessibility gained by these technologies that outweighs the industrial-scale plagiarism, automated labor-discipline, massive carbon footprint, and generalized annihilation of the entire internet's usability they represent. these tools are not without their legitimate uses, but until they are vehemently and inescapably regulated on an international scale there is simply no case to be made for them as they currently exist.

Democratizing storytelling is what affordable film-making equipment did. It's what, like, iPhones did, it's what the internet did. Those things gave people outside of traditional structures without huge budgets and resources, the tools to create films and a free platform with which to reach a wide audience. Arguing for AI film-making is saying that people no longer need talent or skill. By this logic, why would you learn to play the violin when you can use AI to create a fake violin recording of the piece of music that you want to play?

it's easy to be against this AI grey goo crap, and still fall into obvious rhetorical traps meant to cede ground to the worst people on planet earth. Patrick Willems deftly avoids these pitfalls and calls it exactly what it is: laziness and plagiarism. the examples he focuses on are especially egregious because the guy who made them didn't even come up with the idea himself-- he asked chatgpt to make him a list of videos that would go viral on youtube, then had some algorithms whip them up. he did no work. no work went into the creation of these things. their supposed "quality" is composted from the unattributed and uncompensated labor those models were trained on. it is a function of what my girlfriend has been referring to as "the age of the executive auteur," describing this moment in history where talentless executives want to remove artists from the art-making process for pure algorithmic profit that goes directly and solely into their own pockets. ghoulish CEOs and tech boosters who want to be revered the way artists often are, without having to put any of the work in, and without having to listen to criticism. they don't just want to own everything, they want to be loved for it too.

it reminds me of Maggie Mae Fish's video about off-grid youtubers, a crowd of independently wealthy failsons who like to crow about their amazing self-sufficient housing projects that they did all by themselves… except for the parts they didn't. she makes a fantastic observation in that video that i've found myself coming back to often-- that for rich people, paying someone else to do work for you is ontologically indistinguishable from doing that work yourself. the exchange of capital comes with an exchange of credit. it is the base assumption that underpins every capitalist boss's relationship with their workforce, and we see it on full display among the guileless herd animals of silicon valley. AI art is only and exclusively a mechanism for doing to art production what the ruling class have long since done to industrial labor, annihilating the worker's claim to its value, disintegrating the jobs held by artists to disempower and destabilize them so that they will accept worse pay for more work. it is precisely the kind of horseplay that's got damn near all of Hollywood on strike. the actual technology itself sucks, obviously, and it will always suck no matter how much better it gets. the quality of the end product is immaterial-- it's about wage theft, man. it's about greed and labor discipline. same old story, different day.

They love the idea of using AI for film-making because they don't actually have any talent or skill. For them, AI is like a cheat code that allows them to seem like actual artists without doing any actual work.

but let's get back to Willems. he does a great job deconstructing how these supposed parodies don't even really embody anything meaningful about Wes Anderson's style, pointing out that anyone who thinks they're emotionless, stoic, austere films clearly hasn't watched any. the dude makes comedies about broken people struggling to find meaning in their lives, for crying out loud! the popularity of this algorithmic trash is an extension of pop culture's long-standing illiteracy when it comes to Wes Anderson. something about a director with a distinctive visual style short circuits the brain when you haven't watched any movies made before the new millennium, i guess. how pretentious to be all having your own vision or whatever lol lmao

what really hits home for me, though, is how he compares these parodies to his own Wes Anderson's X-Men trailer. he talks about spending time watching all of Anderson's films to date in pre-production, taking notes not just on style but on substance, on theme. he treated the project as an exercise in understanding a film-maker's approach to their craft, then got his friends together and spent a couple weeks running around New York filming the thing. the resulting short film is, let's be real, kind of sloppy and cheap-looking. but so what? in the making-of for it, Willems talks about the specific logic of the composition of this X-Men team and the inspiration behind the costumes. here we catch a glimpse of the layers of labor which go into the production of even the simplest amateur work-- research, writing, self-analysis, location scouting, costume design, props, lighting, camera work, and on, and on, and on. sure, it looks cheap. but it was made by hand with love and care, it embraces what it is and doesn't try to be more. i speak from experience with these kinds of projects when i say, the finished work is almost superfluous, except as proof of labor. the real value comes from the experience of making the thing, and the lessons you learn along the way. collaborating on even the silliest and cheapest of short films can be a transcendent and life-changing experience.

Artistic influence is Wes Anderson taking his love of Hal Ashby, Francois Truffaut, and Jacques Demy, and processing them into a unique approach that expresses his own view of the world. AI art is just a machine for plagiarizing existing art.

this is sort of a perfect illustration of what AI art simply cannot replicate. under the proposed normal of those boosting a post-LLM world, there is no barrier between the having of an idea and the realization of that idea. it's a world where ideas guys finally get the credit they insist they've always deserved. what they fail to understand is that everything which makes art special comes in the phase between having the idea, and finishing the work that idea inspired. they refuse to acknowledge that art is work, and work takes time, and that people who draw and write didn't just wake up with this ability by magic divine endowment. they aren't "hoarding" their skill. if i'm a good writer today it's because i spent the last 14 years and change being a really bad one. all this talk of accessibility and democratization sounds suspiciously similar to the "telling me to read is ableist" line of thinking, where we equate the simple and undeniable fact that getting better at anything requires Hard Work with a pilfered and ill-defined language of oppression adopted by bad-faith actors to justify why they never have to change or learn or improve in any meaningful way, to justify why criticizing them for their actions is actually a sort of hate crime.

Willems ends this video teasing a second part focused exclusively on the idea of "content," the way so many artists and entertainers today frame the fruits of their labor as if it is no different from paste in a tube. like Willems, i've long despised "content" as a descriptor and think its widespread adoption is nothing short of corporate-fueled stochastic terrorism against any creator who dares to presume that what they make has any value without the platform. it's like i said in my video about Netflix in 2018-- the only thing platforms have to sell is the platform. the ongoing grey goo-ification of the internet has renewed my conviction that "content" is the enemy (or at least an enemy), because its success relies on a baseline assumption that all things are reducible to their predictable financial valuation. this moment is not just about copyright law or labor exploitation; it's a come to jesus moment for our entire culture, forcing us to confront the only logical endpoint of art under capitalism. it is time for us to decide for ourselves what we value.

AI is getting better all the time, but at its very best you will only ever get serviceable imitations of mediocre products.

with Matt Mercer playing Ganondorf in the american localization of Tears of the Kingdom, i decided to revisit the 2009 online miniseries There Will Be Brawl where he also plays Ganondorf. this series was incredibly ambitious, an attempt to make a dark and gritty film noir playing on the full-cast absurdity Super Smash Bros Brawl. i'm not going to pretend that it's better than it is, because i haven't been able to sit through the whole thing since it aired. it's very much of its time, and boy was that time problematic. but in the same way that films i once would've thought of as mid have skyrocketed up my rankings simply by virtue of having real sets and props and costumes and lights that are actually turned on, i find TWBB's excess of paper-mache props and dollar store wigs immensely charming in hindsight. it looks cheap, and the performances aren't always great, but so what? this is something that no algorithm could ever produce. it's a fanwork that took countless hours of labor, and while the finished project has no shortage of flaws, it may well have been an essential starting point for dozens of careers. it is an audacious idea that was executed to its conclusion, a feat that vanishingly few projects of its ilk have accomplished.

this kind of thing used to be youtube's bread and butter. i still quote The Legend of Neil all the time ("hello, uh- old man?" "you may call me… old man"), and my sense of humor is eternally linked to the forgotten pivot-to-video creations once hosted on The Escapist, Cracked, College Humor, and countless other long-dead platforms. these kinds of parodies fell out of fashion because they tend to be cheap and silly-looking. the rise of Marvel came at the apex of the 2000s hyperrealism fetish in genre media (Spielberg's Minority Report ruined science fiction cinema for at least twenty years), so everything had to be grounded and look photorealistic. we want immersion, man-- we don't want to see the zipper on the rubber monster suit. i think this is an unspoken motivation behind the AI hype cycle. what's the point of even attempting a genre parody if you can't make it look exactly as good as its Hollywood equivalent? we don't want to see a cardboard imitation, we want to see the perfect thing we can imagine in our heads brought flawlessly into reality!

i share Patrick Willems' sentiment that this is depressing as hell.

Willems shook something loose in my head with this video, because i came away from it completely rethinking my relationship to his fictional bridging material, and the generally low production value of most anything high-concept on youtube or other video platforms. there is something to be treasured in even the most slapdash of amateur films, when the work is done with love. there is inherent value to human endeavor in the attempt, even a failed one, to bring an idea into reality. it's the work, the experience, the memories, the chemistry of it all that matters. i want to live in and encourage a culture where people are allowed to make shit that sucks and not have it ruin their lives, so that they can keep making shit until they're good at it. art is not a machine, it is not algorithmic, it is not statistically predictable. like all things truly human, it is an act of defiance against entropy by a soul in transit.

anyway it's a good video, go give it a watch

[writerfae]

The Alderking

If you know my story, you know about the Alderking.

The bad guy that once upon a time turned against his siblings to become the only ruler of the fair fae and was only stopped through a trick and a curse. The king that my main antagonist wants to reawaken so he can start a new order.

But that's pretty much all you know, except for one or two details and cryptic posts about him. So, of course, he doesn't really make a good impression. In this post, though, I want to tell you more about him. Just so you get to know him a little better. Because while yes, he did horrible things, there's still more to him than just that. And wasn't really all bad, either.

Anyways, here's some Alderking facts to better get to know the man behind the legend of his betrayal:

"Alderking" is technically just his title. His real name is Rook, but it is almost forgotten nowadays. People just know him as the Alderking since he was the very first - and the last - to bear this title

out of the first six fair fae regents, he was the first to be "born", so eldest of the six siblings (though technically they weren't really siblings but it's close enough)

he founded the Alder Court, and over the hundreds of years of his reign, it grew and improved a lot, until it turned into quite the impressive kingdom. Rook worked very hard on it, he loved his kingdom

Rook was actually in a poly relationship. He had a wife, Kyndra, and the two had a lover, too, a wild fae named Nia. He loved them both a lot

he also had a daughter, Runa, that (almost) no one knew about. He only saw her once, tough, because he had sent Nia and the baby away once things got tricky, also he was cursed shortly after her birth (Nia was her biological mother, btw, Kyndra sadly couldn't have children)

his royal guard was actually one of the best. He put a lot of work in his guard and is actually the one who "invented" the guard system the other courts still use to this day (together with his brother, Cathan)

while we're already talking about the guard, Rook was an excellent fighter and hunter. He loved tournaments and going on hunts with his "inner circle"

he also adored reading and participating in religious practices and playing around with magic

our dear king was actually a very charming and charismatic person, with quite some humor and good looks. But he was also stubborn and could be quite grumpy. He was a bit of an idealist, too, and an overthinker

Rook had a personal guard who also happened to be one of his best generals and most trusted confidants (he even knew of Runa). His name was Cyprian (yes, it's the guy I never shut up about - and Talon’s ancestor). The two also happened to be best friends. They were really close

I know, it sounds strange when you know how he betrayed his siblings, but he genuinely loved them all. Before he betrayed them, he was a good big brother

His favorites were his brother Cathan (the Ashking) and his sister Caitria (the Willowqueen). He was very fond of the two and helped them out a lot. Especially with Cathan he spent lots of time and he influenced him a lot (you can still see this influence in some places at the Ash Court)

out of his brothers, Rook was the most mature one, but he was also the proudest and the one with the biggest ego, which is one reason why he fell for darkness so easily

Rook was known to be a pretty strict and kind of dominant king, but also hardworking and benevolent. And he was very beloved by his people

he was also pretty powerful. As child of one of the mighty trees, he was capable of magic, like all his siblings. His special magic field was soul magic, which included spirit connection and dream magic)

each of the first regents and their courts had one "special task" (beside protecting their tree), and as the Alderking, it was Rook's task to manage "foreign affairs" and protect all courts from outer threats

because of his task, he had pretty good connections to the wild fae. Most of them respected him because of his power, his courage (something he was known for) and because he hunted down dangerous creatures like forest demons, which were also a threat to the wild fae clans. He was also a member of the Wild Hunt

his sword, Minha’criahn, was a gift from the goddesses and able to cut through everything if he wanted it to. It was made specifically to fit him and it was pretty much holy to him

at his core, Rook was also a bit of a dreamer. Even his betrayal started out with good intentions. He wanted the courts to focus on their main task (protecting the trees) more and to bring them closer together again. But his pride got in his way, and that led to him getting corrupted by the shadow, which is a true shame

one thing is for sure, if his siblings hadn't lured him into a trap back after he got the mighty Alder's power, their courts probably wouldn't have had a chance in the war he had started. Not just because of his new might. Rook was clever, had the better army, and, due to him being corrupted by shadow, had become very ruthless

a fun fact about him taking some of the mighty Alder's power is that now their life forces are woven together, so he can't die or else the tree will decay too (that's the reason he was "only" cursed after all). BUT the problem (that no one knows about) is that his life force gets weaker over the decades, and one day, his mind and soul might die after all, and you all know what that would mean... not me already collecting sequel material

Anyway, i think thats enough on the Alderking for now. Is now a good time to admit that I'm actually quite the Alderking fan? I do adore him despite him ending up being a tyrant. And I hope you do too after this post xD

@bunnymermaidsblog here's my ramble post about the Alderking, I hope you'll enjoy learning more about him