#which is toxic in more than small amounts

[hoppityhopster23]

when I originally came across that, I thought that was quite an odd, and definitely incorrect. It’s one of the few things that I could never understand where he got it from.  I remember writing additions and notes about it in the notebook I kept my comments and notes in regarding his memoirs (^1), but unfortunately I had to leave it behind in the big move. :( Although, after rereading the section you mentioned and doing a little research, this was a situation kind of right treatment (^2), wrong reasons. Below are my reasonings, which are mostly scientific and from some major medical groups. my sources are are the very last part of this post if people are curious:  ------ (the list is all that Larrey writes for the treatment he used for sea sickness)

laying in a hammock: it is recommended to reduce motion in the modern day. hammocks are great for reducing a decent amount of motion depending the type of hammock and how its set up. if the set up on that ship was anything like the HMS Victory’s, the motion that caused the biggest problem is minimized.

not staying below decks and fresh air: all the works I read on reducing both motion sickness and sea sickness (^3) say to stay on deck and/or get fresh air.

exercise: exercise, like taking a walk is also recommended on NHS’s website.

Diet: Larrey recommended Light, non rich foods, and no alcohol or tobacco. the NHS, recommends to not drink alcohol and non heavy foods, but makes no mention of smoking. The CDC says something similar to Larrey, but add to keep hydrated. 

over the top bit that I couldn’t find a benefit to: Bandage of the head or bath with vinegar, although neither could harm the patient.  -----

(^1)  I should mention just how difficult it is to read (at least for me) because of just how many old medical words and how its the start of a “phone tree” of assorted medical documents. he wrote assuming that the reader would have read the other articles/journals. (I have been tempted to write a series of posts (or maybe even a small book?) to try  to help understand everything. at least if anyone is interested, but I digress.) 

(^2) technically over the top, but this is a young Larrey we’re talking about.

(^3)  which are the same, one is just on land and the other sea    Sources: NHS on motion sickness

On Seasickness

CDC on motion Sickness

Larrey on seasickness

So I decided to at least briefly browse Larrey's memoirs before reading a book on him - I had forgotten how entertaining 19th century medical ideas could be.

Sea sickness, according to Larrey, is caused by heavy storms (which we know today is not necessarily so) and results in part simply from the patient’s imagination when seeing these huge waves and undergoing brisk sideways and up-and-down movements; he fears to see the ship be destroyed. But there also is a physical cause:

These unnatural movements cause jolts whose effects are concentrated in the brain, the part of the body most susceptible to shocks because of its mass, softness and lack of elasticity. The molecules of this organ, after experiencing a kind of shaking, collapse in on themselves, and hence all the symptoms that characterise seasickness. The larger and softer the mass of the brain, the more susceptible it is to these causes; this is why young people and those with very large brains are most prone to seasickness. People of advanced age, whose brains are smaller and more consistent than those of young people, are less prone to this disease. Inhabitants of maritime coasts and cold climates, in whom the cerebral mass is generally less developed than in those who live in warm countries and inland, are much better accustomed to the vicissitudes of navigation; in other words, they are less prone to seasickness.

If small brains help against motion sickness, I know a few people who should be totally immune....

[getvalentined]

An open letter to @staff

I already submitted this to Support under "Feedback," but I'm sharing it here too as I don't expect it to get a response, and I feel like putting in out in public may be more effective than sending it off into the void.

The recent post on the Staff blog about changing tumblr to an algorithmic feed features a large amount of misinformation that I feel staff needs to address, openly and honestly, with information on where this data was sourced at the very least.

Claim 1: Algorithms help small creators.

This is false, as algorithms are designed to push content that gets engagement in order to get it more engagement, thereby assuring that the popular remain popular and the small remain small except in instances of extreme luck.

This can already be seen on the tumblr radar, which is a combination of staff picks (usually the same half-dozen fandoms or niche special interests like Lego photography) which already have a ton of engagement, or posts that are getting enough engagement to hit the radar organically. Tumblr has an algorithm that runs like every other socmed algorithm on the planet, and it will decimate the reach of small creators just like every other platform before it.

Claim 2: Only a small portion of users utilize the chronological feed.

You can find a poll by user @darkwood-sleddog here that at the time of writing this, sits at over 40 THOUSAND responses showing that over 96 percent of them use the chronological feed*. Claiming otherwise isn't just a misstatement, it's a lie. You are lying to your core userbase and expecting them to accept it as fact. It's not just unethical, it's insulting to people who have been supporting your platform for over a decade.

Claim 3: Tumblr is not easy to use.

This is also 100% false and you ABSOLUTELY know it. Tumblr is EXTREMELY easy to use, the issue is that the documentation, the explanations of features, and often even the stability of the service is subpar. All of this would be very easy for staff to fix, if they would invest in the creation of walkthroughs and clear explanations of how various site features work, as well as finally fixing the search function. Your inability to explain how your service works should not result in completely ignoring the needs and wants of your core long-term userbase. The fact that you're more willing to invest in the very systems that have made every other form of social media so horrifically toxic than in trying to make it easier for people to use the service AS IT WORKS NOW and fixing the parts that don't work as well speaks volumes toward what tumblr staff actually cares about.

You will not get a paycheck if your platform becomes defunct, and the thing that makes it special right now is that it is the ONLY large-scale socmed platform on THE ENTIRE INTERNET with a true chronological feed and no aggressive algorithmic content serving. The recent post from staff indicates that you are going to kill that, and are insisting that it's what we want. It is not. I'd hazard to guess that most of the dev team knows it isn't what we want, but I assume the money people don't care. The user base isn't relevant, just how much money they can bring in.

The CEO stated he wanted this to remain as sort of the last bastion of the Old Internet, and yet here we are, watching you declare you intend to burn it to the ground.

You can do so much better than this.

Response to the Update

Under the cut for readability, because everything said above still applies.

I already said this in a reblog on the post itself, but I'm adding it to this one for easy access: people read it that way because that's what you said.

Staff considers the main feed as it exists to be "outdated," to the point that you literally used that word to describe it, and the main goals expressed in this announcement is to figure out what makes "high-quality content" and serve that to users moving forward.

People read it that way because that is what you said.

*The final results of the poll, after 24 hours:

136,635 votes breaks down thusly:

An algorithm based feed where I get "the best of tumblr." @ 1.3% (roughly 1,776 votes)

Chronological feed that only features blogs I follow. @ 95.2% (roughly 130,077 votes)

This doesn't affect me personally. @ 3.5% (roughly 4,782 votes)

[ms-demeanor]

wait, are the health claims from bone broth bogus? (genuine/good faith question). i’ve always heard that it’s high in collagen, which supposedly is good for you and better if you get it ‘naturally’ like from bone broth. is that another thing that’s not actually true, or wildly exaggerated?

Bone broth has been eaten for centuries in various cultures because it is easy to digest and believed to have healing properties. Chicken broth is highly valued by some as a remedy for the flu. In more recent years it has been promoted to help symptoms from psychiatric and neurodevelopmental disorders including autism and attention-deficit hyperactivity. [7] Claims that it detoxifies the liver, improves digestion, reverses wrinkles, builds bones, and relieves join pain have led some marketing analysts to predict that the bone broth market will approach $3 billion by 2024. [8] In reality, bone broth contains only small amounts of minerals naturally found in bone including calcium, magnesium, potassium, iron, phosphorus, sodium, and copper. The amount of protein, obtained from the gelatin, varies from 5-10 grams per cup. There is some concern that bone broth contains toxic metals like lead. One small study found that bone broth made from chicken bones contained three times the lead as chicken broth made with the meat only. [7] However the amount of lead in the bone broth per serving was still less than half the amount permitted by the Environmental Protection Agency in drinking water. A different study found that bone broth, both homemade and commercially produced, contained low levels (<5% RDA) of calcium and magnesium as well as heavy metals like lead and cadmium. [9] The study noted that various factors can affect the amount of protein and minerals extracted in bone broth: the amount of acidity, cooking time, cooking temperature, and type of animal bone used. Therefore it is likely that the nutritional value of bone broths will vary widely.

(Source: https://nutritionsource.hsph.harvard.edu/collagen/)

Your body makes collagen; eating collagen will put the things that make collagen into your body to make collagen with, but so will eating things that go into making collagen (amino acids, basically).

There's not good evidence that eating a ton of collagen or supplementing collagen improves your body's collagen production, and studies on collagen supplementation tend to be done by companies that make collagen supplements or produce expensive bone broth.

Basically if you're eating the 9 essential amino acids by consuming complete proteins (which can be done on any kind of diet, vegan or vegetarian or including meat - this is NOT one of those things your body relies on animal products to produce) your body is going to make collagen and it's going to have the amino acids handy to make collagen; consuming more collagen may mean that your body has more of those collagen-forming amino acids on hand, but it doesn't mean that your body is going to be any more efficient at producing collagen (and your body is going to become less efficient at producing collagen as you age).

But yeah bone broth health claims are primarily bogus. If you want more collagen in your diet for whatever reason, it's probably about as effective to eat jello as it is to eat bone broth but also more collagen in your diet likely isn't doing anything special.

[comicaurora]

If you were a sci-fi writer, how would you solve the Fermi paradox? That being the discrepancy between evidence for alien life, versus the likelihood of their existence? (basically. If alien so likely, why we not see?) The Dead Space series has an amazing cosmic horror solution, but i'm curious what you're brain could come up with!

There's a lot of possibilities, some more interesting than others.

The speed of light and the distance between inhabited stars makes it prohibitively slow to detect, make contact with, or reach any star with alien life. It doesn't matter if we're not alone, our corner of Space Reachable Within A Human Lifetime is so comparatively small that we may as well be. We're all blindly wandering through an infinite desert, calling into the void. Space exploration is a long game, and on that timescale, even whole civilizations blink out very quickly. If we manage to catch a signal and follow it, we might find nothing on the other end but ruins - or an asteroid field where a planet's orbit used to be.

The universe is too young for us to find anyone else out there. We're the first. How will we shape the galaxy to make life better for those who come after us?

The life that formed on Earth is terrifyingly invasive. The atmosphere and ocean is choked with monocellular life, and its surface is coated with a mass of multicellular organisms finding new ways to devour one another. Even extinction events don't keep down the biomass for long. If life on other planets looks anything like us, the problem isn't going to be detecting it. It'll have gotten everywhere. The problem is going to be not immediately getting colonized and eaten alive by it. And if life on other planets DOESN'T look like us, our whole planet is probably a class 1 biohazard and contamination risk. Multicellular earth organisms contain microcosmic ecosystems that proliferate explosively when they die. If anything inside them can find ANYTHING to eat, it's over.

Life evolves frequently, but always in oceans. It is extremely rare for any alien life to leave that ocean and adapt to life on land. Without this step, the jump to space exploration - even space contemplation - becomes infinitely more unlikely.

Monocellular life is seeded on planets from an outside source and allowed to self-cultivate and grow until the biomass reaches a certain volume. Then the farmers return to harvest it.

There is not a single other species on our entire planet that humans can actually reliably communicate with. It takes tremendous amounts of training to make an animal capable of recognizing even a handful of words, and very few of them can use them. Humans can't even communicate with other humans with 100% clarity, even if they're using the same language. When we find alien life, if we even recognize it as anything resembling life as we know it, we have absolutely no way of communicating.

Space colonialism has been disallowed by the space geneva conventions due to massive past tragedies, parasitic exploitation of worlds and senseless loss of life. Human expeditionary efforts are being watched warily through targeting sights.

We've known about radio communication for less than 200 years. We haven't yet figured out the medium through which all advanced civilizations communicate.

Alien life exists in abundance, but the vast majority of it is extremely tiny. We wouldn't spot an anthill on a satellite photo, and none of their ships are large enough to survive passage through our atmosphere.

Earth's oxygen atmosphere is an anomaly, and our first and most enduring extinction event. The explosive proloferation of cyanobacteria and their oxygen photosynthesis irreparably altered the planet's prebiotic atmosphere and wiped out everything that couldn't handle the sudden massive increase in a highly reactive and flammable gas. Earth is considered highly toxic and unstable, though recently detected increases in methane and CO2 might signal that nature is finally beginning to heal.

[evanpeterswhoresblog]

i'm soooo glad you're back!!! love your writting so much, was thinking about some ghostface¡ tate or shit yk...like everyone who flirts with reader end murdered

i’m sorry this took me so long to do 😔 but i sorta did my own twist on this request, hope you don’t mind… i love it… anyway… :)

~~~

Lovefool

Tate Langdon x f!reader

warnings: murder, smut, stalking, obsession, very toxic, manipulation, very minor talk of drug use… virgins, yeah idk what else it’s just stalker tate being crazy for you

summary: tate’s loved you since the first moment you met, and he would do anything to be with you… anything…

word count: 4.4

~~~

2011

You stare at the boy in front of you, a mix of emotions stirring inside you. He’s your age still, you aren’t too surprised at that. You’re more surprised at the fact that he’s in front of you. It’s been so long since the last time you saw him. You remember the pain, the pure fear that paralyzed your body the last time the two of you had an encounter. It still makes you uneasy.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, your voice weak.

He shrugs. “It’s Halloween.”

“There’s been plenty of Halloweens Tate and this is the first time I’ve seen you here. What do you want?” You reply in a harsher tone than.

Tate shrugs again and starts to play with the sleeves of his sweater. You can’t believe this is real. You want to close your eyes and pretend this is all a sick dream, though you haven’t slept in years. After a few seconds, you cross your arms over your chest and take a deep breath. This isn’t going to be easy.

“Tate the fact you even have the balls to try to find me is crazy, what happened? Did you suddenly feel some sense of guilt? Are you finally sorry for what you did to me? I don’t even care if you are sorry, I don’t care about anything except the one question I’ve wondered since the night it happened,” you say.

“What question?” He responds.

“Why?” Your eyes start to burn. “Why did you kill me?”

~~~

1993

Tate had never seen any girl as beautiful as you. Never. Not in a movie, not in a magazine, nothing. From the first time he saw you in kindergarten, he knew there was something special about you. Of course, he didn’t know it would grow into what it did until middle school when his hormones took over. His feelings for you quickly transitioned from a pure crush to a sick obsession. And the best and worst part of it all was that you had no idea.

You never really spoke to him. He was out of your league. You were popular, but not braindead popular like the people you surrounded yourself with. Tate had seen you in some of your classes. You were smart, you got the best grades in those classes. You had plans for yourself after high school, unlike your friends. That knowledge only made him admire you more.

The problems began when you started going out with one of the popular boys in your group, David. He was awful for you; Tate didn’t understand why you chose to have such a relationship with someone like that. He’d watch how David would wrap his arms around you in the hallways, leave small kisses on your cheeks, and whisper words in your ears that made your face turn bright red. It made him furious.

What did David have that he didn’t? Why was he so special? Tate knew he could give you more than David ever could. So, why were you with him?

Tate quickly became blinded by rage and jealousy.

At night he’d lie awake, the knowledge that you might’ve been out there opening your legs for another boy making him sick. That’s when the fantasies began. He imagined killing David. How would he do it? Where? In what way would leave the least amount of blood on his clothes? The image of his mutilated body consumed Tate’s thoughts. He liked it.

It was around that time that he had found the mask.

It was a strange mask he found in the basement. It had a long white face with black holes for the eyes and a long mouth. He wondered which resident of his house had left it there for him. He didn’t know, and frankly, he didn’t care. All he knew from the second his eyes fell upon that mask was that bad things were going to happen.

He started going out at night and driving by David’s house. The mask he wore gave him a sense of power he never knew he could feel. At first, it was innocent. He’d simply drive down the other boy's road and look through his window for a few minutes before leaving. But all it took was one second of seeing you inside to blow the whole thing up. He was livid, seeing red. He decided he needed to bring his fantasies to life and get rid of David for good.

Halloween was when the opportunity to kill David became undeniable. By that point, Tate had been stalking the two of you for a month so he knew the basics. Which room was Davids, how to get into his house, and where his parents were most likely going to be. He had it all planned out. So, on Halloween night he put on the mask along with black robes that covered his entire body and ventured to the other boy's house, ready to kill.

He brought a knife, and when the time was just right, he snuck in through one of David’s open windows and started his game. He crept through the empty house, not making a sound. Getting to David’s room only took him a few minutes and what he heard from outside the door made him not regret his choice at all.

“Yeah, I know, listen she’s so close to finally giving it up to me and that’s what I’ve been working for this whole time. Once it happens, I’ll dump her, easy,” David spoke into his phone. His voice was cocky. It made Tate clench his jaw in frustration.

“Because dude, do you know how many girls from school I’ve already got under my belt? Y/N is just gonna be a name on my list. Yeah, whatever, I gotta go anyway I need to shower for the party, maybe I’ll get lucky, and she’ll drink too much. Okay bye.”

Before David could even get up from his chair, Tate kicked the door down and stormed in, too overpowered by his rage to think about anything but slitting the other boy's throat. He pounced on him, stabbing the knife into any part of his body he could reach. David screamed, but Tate quickly silenced him by shoving the knife down his throat. He felt empowered, he felt thrilled at the sight of his dead peer. It was amazing.

Tate didn’t waste much time gawking over his achievement, however. Once he was sure David was dead, he quickly pulled the knife out of the boy and fled out the window and back to his car. As he drove through the small neighborhoods of your guys' town, he wondered how big the news would be. Would you cry? He hoped you wouldn’t. Not over that asshole. You would move on, and Tate would wait however long it took.

~~~

The news of David’s death spread faster than wildfire and consumed Westfield High’s drama for weeks. Out of all the kids in the school, you took his death hardest. Seeing you so depressed almost made Tate regret his actions. He couldn’t bear seeing you tear up in class or show up to school two periods late. You weren’t like that.

However, as the days turned into weeks, you started to appear healthier and happier, and soon enough you were back to your normal self. Tate was glad, you were always so much prettier when you paid attention in class. He decided it was time for the second part of his plan to finally act. Though he was incredibly nervous, he knew it was then or never. He couldn’t risk you getting a new boyfriend that he’d have to kill again.

So, one day, he followed you into the library when the two of you coincidently had a study hall during the same period. His heart was beating so loud he could hear it in his ears. There you were. sitting at one of the tables alone studying, and he was going to speak to you. He’d thought up conversation starters all morning along with taking a few extra hits off his bong to help with the anxiety.

He shook the nervous thoughts from his head and grabbed his notebook from his backpack before walking in your direction. Your head was down, your hand moved aggressively across the paper as you wrote your notes. Tate stood at the other side of the table for a few seconds simply admiring you. His hands were shaky, his breathing uneasy. God, you made him lose his composure by existing. It was excruciating.

After he was done staring, he spoke, his voice quiet. “Hey y/n, do you mind maybe helping me with some of that psych homework?”

Your head shot up, your eyes instantly meeting his. He swore he couldn’t breathe. You, y/n, were looking at him on purpose. At that moment he didn’t care about what you were going to say, he didn’t care if you completely rejected him. All he cared about was how good it felt to have your eyes on him. Such innocent, loving eyes.

“Oh, yeah of course Tate that’s actually what I’m working on right now. Just sit, we can do it together. Unless you’re like super behind,” you answered.

“Are- Are you sure?” He couldn’t help the uncertainty. Did you really say yes to him?

“Yeah... should I not be?” You replied with a smile.

“No- sorry.” He sat down across from you. He could smell your perfume; he’d never been this close to you. “I just wasn’t sure if you even knew who I was.”

You chuckled. “How could I not know who you are? We’ve literally been in the same school system together since kindergarten.”

“I don’t know. You’re you know popular and stuff,” he said as he opened his notebook.

“Not really, besides even if I was that wouldn’t automatically make me forget anyone. But anyway, you can use my notes in a second, I’m almost done with the page,” you responded. You looked back down at your work and started writing again.

Tate nodded despite you not paying attention and watched as you wrote. He felt like that whole conversation was another one of his daydreams about you. Was he really sitting across from you? Or was it another mid-class nap? He cracked his knuckles to make sure he wasn’t dreaming and thankfully, he wasn’t. It was all real life.

“Sorry if this comes out as creepy, but I feel like I haven’t seen you around in a while. I mean, when was the last time we even spoke?” You suddenly spoke, your eyes back on his.

“I guess you weren’t looking hard enough to see me,” he said with a shrug. All his confidence was a facade because on the inside he was losing his mind.

He noticed the way your cheeks slightly turned pink before you replied. “Yeah, I guess I wasn’t. But I should have been.”

He knew deep down you were going to be his for so long, but at that point, he knew he had already achieved his goal. You were his.

~~~

“What is this place?” You asked as you clutched your cardigan around your body.

Tate smiled and grabbed both of your hands in his. “I told you it’s a surprise. Patience is a virtue.”

“I have patience, but I also have a lower body temperature than usual and it’s bothering me so I would really appreciate it if you’d just take me to the surprise already,” you said, a small smile forming on your lips.

“It’s seventy degrees.”

“Yeah, but it’s also windy at the beach and it’s probably colder than seventy because of the ocean’s temperature.”

Tate sighed and leaned his head down to press a small kiss on your lips, a feeling he still hadn’t gotten over. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Terrible, naughty things I hope,” you replied, kissing him again. “But please lead me to your special surprise beach spot.”

Though he wanted to stand there and kiss you all night, Tate obeyed your request and began to lead you further down the beach. It had been a few months since the two of you started talking, and to say it progressed would be an understatement. Tate had truly underestimated how easy it would be to capture your attention. All you wanted was a sweet, caring, genuine boy and he could be all those things easily.

So, after a month of being friends, he asked you out and you said yes. The relationship grew deeper with each day, and it didn’t disappoint him one bit. He loved everything about you. The way you’d lie on your bed with him and talk for hours, the way you’d make your relationship with him public by holding his hand in the halls, and most importantly the way you never expected or wanted him to change to fit in with your friends. You liked him for who he was, and it melted his heart.

It was your three-month anniversary, and Tate wanted to make it special. Even though he knew before the two of you got together that you were a virgin, he didn’t know to what extent you were. He quickly became aware you had done most things already, just not full sex. At first, he was annoyed at the fact that you weren’t completely his because he had never done anything with a girl before you. But after the first night, you went down on him, he wasn’t that upset anymore.

On this night he planned to take the next step with you. He had it all set up. The blankets, the lights, all of it. As the sight of his setup came into view, he watched your face light up. You squeezed his hand and grinned up at him.

“Is this really for me?” You asked.

“Yeah, do you like it?” He replied.

You nodded and sped up to reach it, dragging him with you. Once you made it you dropped down to sit on the blanket, urging Tate to do the same. “This is so cool. You’re the first boy to ever do something like this for me. I love it.”

“I’m glad, I know how you like sentimental things,” he said as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders. “And I’ve been wanting to show you this spot for a while. I used to come here a lot as a kid and watch the waves with my dad... before he left. I wanted to make it special with you because you’re not like my dad. Right?”

“No, I’m not. I won’t ever do anything to hurt you like that. I lo- I like you Tate, a lot.”

Tate only stared into your eyes, his heart beating faster than it ever had in his life. You almost said you loved him. He knew then that night was going to be the night you finally gave yourself to him. Something in your eyes made him certain. Your eyes were dark. You stared up at him as if he were the only boy in the world. There was a feeling in the air, one of lust and fear.

“I’ll never want to hurt you either,” he mumbled after a few seconds. “I doubt I ever could.”

You gave him a small smile and placed one of your hands on his cheek. You caressed the skin with your thumb as you slowly started to lean your face toward his. He accepted your lips on him, kissing back instantly. It was the moment he’d been working up to for years. He was finally going to lose his virginity to you, and you to him. Nothing would ever compare.

~~~

The sound of Nirvana mixed with skin slapping filled Tate’s room. He couldn’t help the moan that left his lips when he looked down at you. Your back was arched so perfectly, your waist looked impossibly small, and your ass looked incredibly big. The side of your face was smushed against one of Tate’s pillows. You were so red, so loud you had to bite your hand to spare the whole house from hearing. Tate took in a deep breath and slapped your ass, his thrusts not faltering for even a second.

“Fuck baby, you look so pretty right now. You take me so well,” he whispered. He wrapped some of your hair around his hand and yanked you up, making you practically scream. “Yeah, you like that. You like being manhandled y/n?”

You let out another moan but didn’t reply. Tate slapped your ass again and threw you back down to the mattress. He leaned over you, your sweaty body feeling perfect against his. He was close to finishing. He’d already made you cum a few times that day, so he wasn’t too concerned about where you were. All he was concerned about was getting closer to you before he came.

“I love controlling you, you’re so helpless. Fuck I’m so close,” he mumbled in your ear. “You’re mine, all fucking mine forever. I’ll kill anyone who even tries to take you away from me.”

You made a noise and Tate couldn’t hold back any longer. He came inside you, his cock pulsing heavily. You groaned; his cock was hitting your cervix too hard it hurt. He waited a minute or so before finally pulling out and moving to the spot next to you on the bed. He’d never felt anything as amazing as having sex with you. He was breathless.

He was so caught up in his thoughts about what just happened that he didn’t notice your sad expression. When he eventually looked at you, he saw your frown. Immediately he turned to his side and faced you, reaching out one of his hands to brush a few of your hairs behind your ear.

“What’s wrong baby?” He asked.

“Nothing,” you replied.

“It doesn’t look like nothing you look sad; you can tell me whatever it is.”

You sighed and turned your head to meet his gaze. “Why do you like hurting me? Like during sex and stuff. You’re always so rough and I don’t know you’re really mean and sometimes the stuff you say is… scary.”

“How is it scary?” He laughed.

“You said you’d kill anyone who would try to take me away from you,” you said.

“Yeah, I would. I swear I’ve said this shit to you before. I would do anything for you, or to keep you,” he responded.

“Don’t joke about that Tate, you know I’m scared of killers because of what happened.”

“Oh, so this is about David? Why are you even thinking about him y/n he’s been dead for months. Do you miss him, or something is that it?” He questioned; his tone harsher than before.

You scoffed and sat up. “You’re seriously making this about me missing David?”

“Well, is that what this is about?”

“You’re unbelievable,” you muttered before you stood up and started to get dressed.

“Oh, my fucking God y/n I’m sorry for whatever I said wrong while we were fucking. Can we just move on already? I don’t see what the big deal is,” he snapped.

“No, we can’t just move on. You scare me sometimes Tate like genuinely. I know you mean it all in a sweet way but it’s weird. I love you but you don’t hear me saying I’d kill people if they talked to you or looked at you a certain way. That’s not normal.”

Tate sat up. “I wish you would say those things. I wish you loved me as much as I love you. I’d do anything you ask; I would shoot up the fucking school if you wanted me to.”

You looked at him, he could see the terror and fear in your eyes. “Are you serious?”

“Of course, I am. I don’t get why you’re acting so scared. I’d never hurt you I don’t even think I could if I wanted to, you mean more to me than any person alive or dead,” he answered.

“You’re sick,” you mumbled. You grabbed your bag and walked to the door. “I think we need some time apart; you aren’t sane.”

His heart practically stopped. “What?”

“We need to stop seeing each other for a little while, I can’t take this insane shit Tate. I’m sorry. You know I love you, but I need you to get some help before I can be with you.”

Before Tate could reply, you left. All he could do was stare at the door, a million thoughts roaming his head. Did you really just break up with him? Was that it? Did you just throw away everything the two of you had because you felt his love was too strong? It didn’t feel real.

As the night progressed, he tried to call you, dozens of times. But each call was either declined or rang out. His anxiety grew with each ring of the phone. Why weren’t you replying? Who were you seeing? Did he really mean so little to you that you could leave so easily? His mind spun with scenarios, each one worse than the last. By the end of the night, he had convinced himself you were cheating on him, and the following days only worsened his state of madness.

You ignored him completely in school. Every time he tried to talk to you, you either turned away or walked away completely. It hurt him terribly. He couldn’t understand what had changed so fast. He chased you around the halls for days, trying his hardest to get your attention. But it never worked. And so, his love for you began to fade into an awful rage.

He couldn’t let you just walk away from everything the two of you shared. You were his. Only his. He couldn’t let you leave him, not like his dad. He hadn’t spent his entire life chasing you just to end up losing you. No. So, he began to formulate a plan. He’d leave you alone for a few days then calmly ask you to meet him at the beach, in the special spot he once made for you.

He wasn’t surprised that his plan worked. You were predictable.

When the night came, he made sure he was prepared. He snorted a line, packed his bag full of your favorite things, and set off. As he walked down the beach, he made sure the knife he hid was secure in his pocket. It was smaller than the one he’d used on David, but it would do the job just as efficiently.

You arrived a few minutes after him, a sad expression on your pretty face. He fought the urge to run to you with open arms.

“Thank you for coming,” he said. Only a few feet separated your bodies, he wished he could close it. But he needed to be patient.

You took a deep breath, you looked nervous. “Yeah, look Tate I... I’ve thought about it and I... I really think we should stop seeing each other for some time.”

“Why Y/N? I love you, so fucking much. I’m sorry for what I said, I can change, I won’t say shit like that ever again. I’ll be gentle, I swear. Just give me the chance I can be whatever you need me to be,” he replied desperately. He opened his bag and pulled out your favorite candy. “I love you; I really do. Please give me another chance.”

He watched your eyes fill with tears. You wanted to give in, he could see it in your eyes. But you only shook your head and wiped a fallen tear from your cheek.

“No. I’m sorry. Tate, you aren’t gentle, that’s not who you are. And I don’t want you to pretend to be someone you aren’t.”

Tate swallowed hard. “You promised me you’d never leave me; you said you were nothing like my dad. Was it all a lie?”

“Of course not!” You exclaimed and took a step closer to him. “I love you; I really do. That’s why this is so hard.”

“If you love me, why can’t we work this out? Don’t lie to me Y/N.”

He couldn’t stop his eyes from watering, nor could he stop his lips from quivering. He dug the bouquet of your favorite flowers out from his bag and held them out to you.

“Please,” he mumbled. “I need you.”

You caved. You wrapped your arms around his waist and held him tight. He could feel your muffled cries on his chest, it pained him. You were a sensitive sweet girl; it was both your blessing and curse.

“Maybe in a few months, we can try again, I don’t know.” You looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. “We just can’t be together right now. And I mean we’re going to graduate soon, and I might go to a college far away, how would that even work? But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s too late for that Y/N, you’ve already hurt me.” He dropped what he was holding and dug one of his hands into his pocket. He touched your face with his other hand, your tears covering his palm. “You’ve planned on leaving me this whole time. I wanted to give it another try you’ve made up your mind. I guess it just comes down to one thing.”

“What?” You asked.

“If I can’t have you, no one can,” he whispered before he pulled out the knife and plunged it into the side of your neck.

~~~

2011

“I killed you because I loved you,” he answers. “Because you were going to leave me and find someone else.”

All you can do is stare at him in silence. You think back to everything that happened. How could you have been so blind? It couldn’t have been your fault though. He would’ve killed you anyway. You think back to all the times Tate made you uneasy, all the times he would say things that creeped you out. Deep down you must’ve known that’s who he is. Maybe you knew all along.

Maybe you loved him because of his darkness.

You exhale a long breath. “We don’t have that long till midnight.”

“So?”

You shrug. “Wanna hook up?”

[storiesfromgaza]

It is very important to read this and share it

Today the Euro-Mediterranean Human Rights Monitor Observatory stated that Israel dropped over 25,000 tons of explosives on the Gaza Strip as part of its ongoing extensive war since October 7th, equivalent to two nuclear bombs.

The Euro-Mediterranean Human Rights Observatory, based in Geneva, highlighted the Israeli army's acknowledgment of targeting more than 12,000 objectives in the Gaza Strip, setting a record in the number of bombs dropped, surpassing 10 kilograms of explosives per person.

With the advancements in bomb quantity and effectiveness, while maintaining a consistent amount of explosives, the quantity dropped on Gaza could be equivalent to twice the power of a nuclear bomb.

Additionally, Israel deliberately employs a mixture known as "RDX" (Research Department Explosive) commonly referred to as "the science of complete explosives," with a power equal to 1.34 times that of TNT.

This means that the destructive power of the explosives dropped on Gaza exceeds what was dropped on Hiroshima, taking into account that the city of Hiroshima covers an area of 900 square kilometers, while Gaza's area is no more than 360 square kilometers.

Furthermore, Israel has been documented using internationally banned weapons in its attacks on the Gaza Strip, particularly cluster and white phosphorus bombs. White phosphorus is a highly toxic incendiary substance that rapidly reacts with oxygen, causing severe second and third-degree burns. The Euro-Mediterranean team has documented cases of injuries among the victims of Israeli attacks that resemble the effects of dangerous cluster bombs, as they contain small high-explosive submunitions designed to penetrate the body and cause internal explosions, resulting in severe burns that melt the victims' skin and sometimes lead to death. These submunitions also cause peculiar swelling and toxin exposure in the body, including transparent shrapnel that does not appear in X-ray images.

The Euro-Mediterranean Human Rights Observatory has emphasized that Israel's destructive, indiscriminate, and disproportionate attacks constitute a clear violation of the laws of war and the rules of international humanitarian law, which stipulate the obligation to protect civilians in all circumstances and under any conditions. Killing civilians is considered a war crime in both international and non-international armed conflicts and can rise to the level of a crime against humanity.

The 1899 and 1907 Hague Conventions, along with the 1949 Geneva Convention in its latest formulation, established fundamental human rights during wartime to limit the deadly health consequences of internationally banned weapons, some of which could lead to the "genocide" of civilians.

Article 25 of the Hague Regulations concerning the Laws and Customs of War on Land prohibits "attacking or bombarding towns, villages, dwellings, or buildings which are not defended."

Article 53 of the Fourth Geneva Convention states that "any destruction by the occupying power of real or personal property belonging individually or collectively to private persons, or to the State, or to other public authorities, or to social or cooperative organizations, is prohibited, except where such destruction is rendered absolutely necessary by military operations."

According to Article 147 of the Fourth Geneva Convention, the destruction of property that is not justified by military necessity and on a large scale is considered a serious violation that requires prosecution. Such practices are also classified as war crimes under the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court.

The Euro-Mediterranean Human Rights Observatory has called for the formation of an independent international investigative committee to assess the magnitude of explosives and internationally banned weapons used and continue to be used by Israel against civilians in the Gaza Strip.

This committee would hold accountable those responsible, including those who issued orders, made plans, executed actions, and took measures aimed at achieving justice for Palestinian victims.

[perlelune]

Happier Than Ever | Rafe Cameron

Loving Rafe was a rollercoaster you could never get off of. Sometimes thrilling, but mostly terrifying. And some way, somehow, he always found a way to draw you back in for another ride.

Warnings: DUB-CON, NON-CON, Drug Addiction, Drunk Driving, Kook! Reader, Toxic Relationship, Abuse, Emotional Blackmail, Suicidal Talk

This is a dark story. Heed warnings before reading under the cut.

You smile as Marissa tells her story once more. No matter how many times you hear it, it never gets old.

“Who does that? I mean he didn’t even have his driving license. I was so embarrassed-”

The rest of the girls in the circle you formed in the living room gasp. You nurse your beer before taking another sip. You take a bite of the birthday cake, humming in appreciation of the cinnamon and pineapple undertones. For a minute, you soak it all in. The soft pop pouring from the speakers in your friend’s living room. The casual chatter between friends.

You fold your legs beneath yourself, enjoying your cake in a corner of the couch.

It’s been a while since you’ve been able to enjoy a night like this. Quiet and calm. Not since your breakup. Spending time with your friends always fell to the wayside in your previous relationship, your ex finding issues with how much time you spend with them instead of him. It wasn’t uncommon for you to drop everything whenever he called. Girls’ night outs. Sleepovers. Even birthdays, like today.

He was the sun around which your entire life orbited and he couldn’t stand anything or anyone stealing your attention away. It took you a long time to leave. More than you’re comfortable admitting.

It’s not like things were bad all the time. In fact, most of the time, they were good. Not just good. They were great. So great you easily forgave and forgot. Forgot about the tears. Forgot about the rough hands on your skin. Forgot about the cruel words. Forgot about the screaming and nights lying awake, wondering what you did wrong for him to be so angry at you again.

He was a magician. With the right words and that twinkle in his ocean gaze, he could make all the hurt vanish. Like none of it was ever there to begin with. The same eyes that made you feel small could make your stomach flutter. The same mouth that would praise you could tear you down as easily.

Your heart was never at rest, as you never knew which version of him you’d get on a particular day. The sweet and kind version. Or the paranoid and volatile one.

So many little things could set him off. A throwaway comment from his dad. An argument with his sister. Some stranger's gaze resting on you half a second too long. 

Nothing you did could ever get that chip off his shoulder. No amount of care, patience or love could ever reassure him enough. It was exhausting, which is why you left. Well, more like…ran away. Avoided his side of the island. Ghosted him. Hid away really. 

It’s been a few weeks now. You are slowly retrieving some semblance of peace in your life. It’s easier when he’s not around. Easier to breathe. Easier to move around.

Marissa turns to you.

“I’m so happy that you could make it.”

You beam at her. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

She pauses, her fingers tapping the side of her beer bottle.

“You did last year,” she points out. 

You tense. Last year. You never even told her what that was about. You were dressed up and ready and he stopped you on your way out, questioning why you were looking this good for “just some chicks’ get-together”. You shudder as the memory flashes through your brain. Needless to say you never made it to your friend’s party.

“Yeah…sorry about that,” you mumble, scratching your arm.

She smiles in reassurance, squeezing your arm.

“It’s okay. But no more missing my birthday, okay?”

“Okay, promise,” you reply, nodding.

The conversation is halted by the buzzing of your phone. Your chest clenches at the sight of the familiar name across the screen. Marissa steals a glimpse from across the couch and tilts her head in disapproval. The two of them were oil and water, never getting along. In fact, she got in his face quite a few times. And he seemed to enjoy riling her up even more.

“Don’t answer that.” She nudges your shoulder. “I already told you, you need to block him.”

In theory, you know you should sever all ties. But you haven’t found the nerve to cross that bridge yet. Sending him straight to voicemail and leaving him on read is the height of what you can achieve right now. Besides, you shudder to think how he’d react to you blocking him. He damn near broke your door down the day after you texted him that you two were over.

“It could be important…” You get to your feet, stepping away from the couch and your friend’s critical stare. “I’m just gonna tell him to stop. I’ll be right back.”

You head to the balcony. You inhale a lungful of courage before swiping to accept the call. 

“Hey, angel. Miss me?” Rafe slurs drunkenly. 

Your brows knit. “You shouldn’t drive when you’re like this, Rafe.”

He barks out a derisive laugh. “You hear this shit, bro? Acting like she cares about me all of sudden.”

Your chest twinges, his words hurting more than they should.

Another familiar voice faintly echoes in the background. 

“Is that Topper?”

Your frown deepens. They both sound too inebriated to be driving anyone home, let alone themselves.

As you ponder if you should call Sarah or Ward, a crashing sound echoes through the phone, the boys’ laughter dying. Your stomach drops. 

“Rafe?” you call. 

You frantically text him. When you get no response, you try Topper. He doesn’t pick up immediately. 

At least twenty minutes slog by in terrifying silence.

Chewing on your thumb, you wait for the call to reach him.

When you finally hear his voice, relief seeps through you. If he’s fine, then Rafe must also be, right?

But your hopes are swiftly pulverized when he informs you that Rafe is being transported to the hospital. Panic flutters through you. You don’t want to care. You and him aren’t together anymore. It’s not your problem…Except it is. You can’t quell the worry pooling in your gut, the racing of your heart at the thought that Rafe could be hurt. Or worse.

Anxiously rubbing your hands, you head back to the living room. Marissa won’t like what you have to say, but dread has wrapped its fist around your heart since you heard that horrifying sound on the other end of the line, and hasn’t eased up since. The not knowing is worse than anything.

Noting the contrite pinch to your face, your friend heaves out a deep exhale.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to see him,” she says.

You chew on your lip. You know how this looks. Like you’re that girl who picks a guy over her friends again. Still, you remind yourself it’s not like the other times. You aren’t together anymore. You’re over him. You’re way past that. You’re just making sure he’s safe.

“I think something happened. Something really bad.”

Marissa shrugs and takes a swig of her beer. You try to ignore her and your other friend’s pointed stares. Their quietness speaks volumes, the weight of their judgment bearing heavily in the room.

“He always does that. Who knows if he didn’t do it on purpose.”

“You mean crashed his car on purpose? Marissa, come on…”

She tosses her head backwards, rolling her eyes in exasperation.

“Whatever. I’m used to you bailing.” She glances at her freshly painted nails. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Her accusation aches but you shove it aside. You bid everyone goodbye and grab your keys from the lobby. 

The entire drive your heart is in your throat, your clammy hands tight around the wheel.

The worst scenarios keep playing in your head like a horrible nightmare. The picture of Rafe, a white sheet draped over his unmoving body, won’t stray from your raging thoughts. Why do you feel like this is your fault? He always had troubles with overindulging in liquor and other party favors. It’s something the two of you often argued about. But he had gotten better about it lately, before the breakup. He’d thrown away the drugs, eased up on the drinking. He was better. It’s part of why leaving felt okay.

Your eyes well up with tears. You wipe them in frustration, focusing on the dark road ahead. 

Sucking a wide breath, you remind yourself. You’re not responsible for Rafe. None of this is your fault.

Still, as you pull into the hospital’s driveway, guilt lingers within you.

Thanks to Topper’s instructions, you find Rafe’s room quickly.

You’re a breathless mess when you arrive, having raced through the white corridors. Sarah and Wheezie hug you as soon as they see you. You return it, having missed them in the last few weeks. You had come to think of the youngest of the Cameron siblings as the little sister you never had. You often went out to have ice cream while she told you of the gossip from her school. As for Sarah, the two of you go way back. While not the closest, you’ve been in the same circles since kindergarten. The puffiness of her brown eyes doesn’t escape you. While there’s no love lost between her and her big brother, she seems as shaken as you are.

Ward greets you with a nod. Meeting his gaze is difficult. He always told you you were a good influence on his son. A good girl from a good family. That you were exactly what Rafe needed to set himself straight and finally grow up. You can tell from the way his blue eyes are trained on you that Ward is a little disappointed, that he expected you to stick it out through the storm with his son. The people-pleaser inside you shrinks a bit at that.

Rose at least appears to empathize with your plight, flashing you a quick smile. She too seems to have cried, which stuns you the most. It’s no secret she and Rafe have never gotten along.

The Camerons make space for you to tiptoe further inside the room.

You take shaky steps towards Rafe. It hurts seeing him like that, hunched over at the edge of the bed in a hospital gown. While he’s not attached to tubes and wires, your chest seizes as you note the sling around his left arm, his busted lip and the long cut running across his brow.

“We’ll leave you two alone,” Ward says, gesturing at his daughters to vacate the room.

Silence hangs for a while after the rest of the Cameron clan leaves, giving you and Rafe privacy. Eyes clinging to the floor, you girdle your breath until he speaks.

“You came.”

You look up, Rafe’s cool tone startling you. You approach him.

“Of course I came.”

The muscles of his jaw clench.

“You didn’t have to,” he says curtly.

You cup his cheek, “Rafe-”

He slaps your hand away, his eyes rolling back as he unleashes a heavy sigh.

“Don’t,” he snaps. He sniffs and chuckles but it lacks humor. “I don’t even know why you’re here. You don’t give two shits about me.”

Disbelief strikes you. How could Rafe utter such words after everything you’ve been through together?

Your brows furrow as you graze his arm, whispering softly, 

“That’s not true, Rafe and you know it.”

“Do I?” He taps his temple with his healthy arm, stammering angrily, “C-Cause I had so many thoughts in my head when you left…”

“Rafe-”

“I know we weren’t perfect but I thought we were pretty happy, y’know?” 

A surge of tears presses beneath your lashes.

“We were.” You pause and take a deep breath. “Sometimes. But you weren’t…” Your lip quakes as you’re hit with the remembrance of how bad his mood swings were. You rub your neck, the phantom sensation of Rafe’s fingers squeezing it tight sizzling your flesh. Your voice comes out small. “We weren’t good for each other, Rafe.”

He bites his bottom lip and slowly releases it before sneering, “Bet you’d have preferred if I died tonight, get it all over with.”

“What? How can you even say that?” you say, your pitch spiking with shock.

“Y’know maybe I should…Maybe I should just get my dad’s gun, blow my fucking brains out and stop being such a burden to you.”

He mimics the gesture of shooting a gun through his skull and tears spill over your cheek.

You cradle his face.

“Don’t say things like that, Rafe. Please…” you sob.

“What else am I supposed to say, huh? You left me. Bet you think I’m a fuckup too. Just like my dad.”

“I don’t think that.”

“I wanted to die.”

“Rafe.”

His watery gaze dives into yours.

“When you left, I wanted to fucking die.”

Your breath falters.

“Being without you is hell, angel.” Desperation oozes from his voice. “I just wanted to feel…I don’t know, anything else.” He buries his face in his hand, mumbling under his breath, “I-I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take.”

Your heart sinks. You never imagined breaking up with Rafe would send him in such a state. A wave of guilt consumes your insides. Perhaps it was selfish, taking your distance the way you did. 

You place your hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t know things were this bad for you. I’m sorry.”

He snorts. “I mean, how could you? It’s not like you answer when I call.”

The air chills around you. Your lips clamp shut at that, your head lowering. You did ignore all of Rafe’s calls. And now you find yourself wondering if there were cries for help, if he was drowning and needed you to pull him ashore. If you had picked up, just once, maybe he wouldn’t be here right now. 

The doctor comes in and you step back. Rafe is thankfully cleared, presenting no concussion or major injuries besides his broken arm. You meet Topper outside and are relieved to find him in much better shape than your ex. Outside of a nasty scrape on his cheek, he’s completely unharmed. 

“Were you drunk too?” you can’t help but ask him.

“I…Yeah, but I wasn’t the one driving.” Topper hesitates, nervous as his eyes meet yours. “Rafe, he…he took some other stuff at the party.”

“I figured,” you sigh.

“He just kept driving faster the more he ranted about you.”

Your chest clenches. You glower at him.

“You’re supposed to be his friends, you and Kelce. You’re supposed to look out for him.”

“I’m sorry,” he replies.

Your gaze darts around the hospital corridor.

“Where’s Kelce, anyway?”

Topper scratches the back of his neck.

“He…passed out in a bush at the party.”

Your shoulders sag. Typical Kook shenanigans. Not one of those boys could actually behave responsibly. All they ever do is enable each other and egg each other on to do stupid shit. Then they let someone else clean up their mess. Fatigue settles over you. You’ve been here before. 

You glance at your phone. It’s beyond late. You walk up to Ward.

“I should probably go back home now. I only wanted to check on Rafe, make sure he's okay."

Crossing his arms, the Cameron patriarch astounds you when he utters, “Why don’t you stay at Tannyhill tonight?”

You flash a nervous smile.

“Mr. Cameron, Rafe and I-”

“I know you two are broken up, and I get that.” He heaves out a weary sigh as he considers Rafe. “I know my son has…issues, sweetheart, but he always did better around you.” His piercing gaze travels from Rafe to you. “He hasn’t been doing well since you left him.”

You recline into silence. It’s been a while since you’ve seen Rafe look this defeated. It worries you. You have no desire to give him the wrong idea but you also don’t see yourself just going home after hearing the things he shared with you. While you don’t plan on getting back with him, you can’t just abandon him.

“Okay. But just for tonight,” you specify. 

Ward beams at you. “That's all I ask, sweetheart.”

You end up getting into a car with Ward, Rose and Rafe. Wheezie trails behind Sarah, as you let her borrow the keys of your truck to drive Topper back home. She promises to return them to you in the morning. A heavy quiet coats the air as you share the backseat with Rafe, his stepmom sitting in the front with Ward. He’s not even looking at you, his blue eyes glued to the window. Dejected, you twine your hands in your lap. You’re used to that, Rafe ignoring you when he’s upset. But tonight it stings even more, fueling the guilt simmering inside you.

As Ward’s car pulls into the long alley of the Cameron’s mansion, nostalgia tugs at your heart.

Tannyhill was practically a second home to you this past year. Your parents travel a lot for work and Rafe used to coax you into staying with him most nights, just so you’re not alone.

You don’t even think as you follow Rafe to his bedroom, your feet carrying you absently since you’ve done it so many times before.

You inspect the room. Nothing’s changed since the last time you were here.

He grimaces as he struggles to remove his clothes while wearing the sling.

“I can’t get this fucking shirt off,” Rafe grumbles.

You trudge up to him.

“Let me help you.”

Rafe observes you, falling strangely quiet while you slip off his shirt for him. Your cheeks heat when you do the same for his pants. 

When you’re done, you try to head for the door.

Rafe’s hand clutches yours, halting your departure.

“Stay… please, angel? You can wear one of my shirts like you used to.”

A forlorn expression decorates his features. Despite your best efforts, it tugs at your heartstrings.

You gnaw on your lip. “It’s probably best if I stay in the guest room.”

His thumb sweeps over the inside of your palm.

“I won’t try anything funny, I swear…if that’s what you’re worried about.” His brows draw together. “I’m just in so much pain, and I can barely move my arm.”

You unleash a resigned breath.

“You promise to stay on your side of the bed?” When a playful smile creeps on his lips, your tone sharpens. “Rafe, I’m only here as your friend. I’m serious.”

His gaze narrows, suspicion sneaking in his tone. “Why? You’re like seeing somebody now or some shit?”

“No, I’m not.” You pause before adding cheekily, “And even if I were, it’d be none of your business.”

His cheek pulses.

A flicker of jealousy ignites his gaze, indicating that, in Rafe’s opinion, who you're seeing now is still very much his business. But his features smooth over quickly, his voice mellowing.

“I’d just feel better if you slept next to me, angel. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much, am I?” He pauses before sneering, “Or do you hate my fucking guts so much that I can’t even ask for a little favor?”

“I don’t hate you, Rafe.”

He cocks his head, hope lacing his deep timbre.

“Really? You don’t?”

“I don’t think I could even if I tried,” you admit.

A wide grin blooms on his face at that. He curls his hand around your waist, pulling you a little closer. 

“Then prove it. Stay with me tonight.”

His blue eyes are honest, pleading. Your resolve thaws like ice in the summer heat. 

“Fine,” you yield. You gear yourself to leave, announcing, “I’ll go change in the bathroom.”

The hand on your waist tightens as he teases, “Why not here? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before-”

“Rafe,” you scold, prying his fingers off your waist.

He snickers, lifting his hand. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

A pang of melancholy pierces your chest when you pick one of Rafe’s shirts to wear in bed. It feels a little weird sharing a bed with him when you’re not together anymore.

When you step out of the bathroom, you steal a glance at him. The blanket only covers half of his body, exposing the bare, suntanned muscles of his chest. You ignore Rafe’s smirk as he catches your lingering gaze. Averting your eyes, you make your way to your side of the bed.

You slip under the covers, reassured that he’s respecting your wishes by giving you space. But it doesn’t last.

In the middle of the night, you’re forced to berate him for breaking the boundaries you set.

His good arm snakes around you, his broad chest draping over your back.

“Rafe…”

He nuzzles your neck from behind, humming as he basks in your smell. “Please, just let me have this,” he begs.

You sigh. You don’t have it in you to deny Rafe tonight. Not when he could have died. Not when you feel some responsibility for that. 

“Okay, but no wandering hands.”

He nods and snuggles even closer to you. You can’t help but grow a bit dizzy as the familiar scent of Rafe’s cologne clogs your senses.

You close your eyes and drift into sleep.

In the morning, you wake up to Rafe dragging his fingertips along your cheek, an entranced expression etched on his features.

“I missed waking up like this,” he rasps.

For a while, as you get lost in how bright and blue his eyes look in the soft morning glow, you forget. Remembrance settles over you however when Rafe’s thumb travels to your bottom lip. This is the kind of thing you can’t allow anymore.

Clearing your throat, you sit up and remove his hand from your face.

“Well don’t get used to it.”

Rafe’s brows crumple. “Ouch. When did you get so mean, angel?”

“I learnt it from you.”

He actually seems taken aback by that, speechless as he gapes at you.

His surprise allows you to make a beeline for the bathroom.

“Dibs on the first shower,” you chime, slamming the door closed before he can make another comment that sends your heart in a frenzy.

You use Rafe’s time away in the bathroom to focus on another task. A very important task. One you call the post-bender sweep. It’s a little tragic that you even have a name for it, or that you’ve had to do it so often. So you roll up your sleeves and begin rummaging through all of Rafe’s drawers. No corner of the room is left unchecked.

It’s how he finds you as he steps out of the shower, damp blonde locks grazing his forehead, the towel hanging low on his tapered waist. 

Confusion fills his cobalt eyes. 

“What are you doing?”

“I know you weren’t just drunk last night Rafe. Topper told me everything.”

“Fucking snitch,” Rafe hisses. He inches closer to you. “Look, I’m gonna get it together, alright?”

You crouch near the bed and reach under the mattress. Rafe’s face goes taut as you feel between the wooden slats. “Angel-”

Your fingers dislodge a plastic bag between the slats. You examine its insides. 

“Coke, expected. Well that…is new. Is that meth?” you list sourly. You wish you could say you were disappointed. Instead, you’re just exhausted and vaguely angry. This is a step back. A huge one. “This is poison, Rafe.”

You get to your feet and dash to the bathroom. As you empty every ounce of powder, crystals and every single pill into the toilet bowl, Rafe grips the side of his head. Panic flickers on his face.

“That’s 10k down the drain.”

“Well, Barry can go through me. I’m not letting you do this to yourself again.”

You flush the toilet and meet his eyes. Their intensity has you shifting in discomfort.

“What? Why are you staring at me like that?”

His lips slowly curve upward.

“You still care about me.”

Your heart skips a beat. You blink and shuffle away from the toilet. False hopes, you recall, you weren’t supposed to give them to him. You decide to steer him away from that line of thought.

“Of course I do,” you reply. “You’re my friend.”

Rafe’s smile vanishes. His tone becomes clipped. “Friends, huh? Okay.”

Your plans to only stay the night are thwarted at breakfast. After sharing a copious meal with the Camerons, Ward pulls you aside, practically begging you to prolong your presence at Tannyhill for his son’s sake. 

“You and I both know he needs you, sweetheart.”

At first, you’re hesitant. This wasn’t the plan. You’ve fought so hard against the instinct not to put Rafe’s needs and wants before your own. Tooth and nail quite frankly. The first week after your breakup, not picking up when he called made you physically ill.

You wept about it for days, and almost ran right back into his arms. Without your friends, you probably would have.

Now, your life’s back on track. You can breathe again. You’re happier. The crippling fear of what Rafe would say or think does not hover over your every move anymore.

When Sarah returns your truck’s keys, you consider driving yourself back home and never looking back. Your fingers curl around the keys. It’s right there beneath your palm, your freedom. But there’s just one tiny issue. Rafe’s misty eyes catch yours across the table. And in less than a second, you don’t belong to yourself anymore.

So you remain at Tannyhill much longer than you’d like, taking care of Rafe and spending nights in his arms. The ambiguity of the situation fosters doubts in your mind, threatening the fragile equilibrium you found.

So as soon as Rafe’s noticeably improved, you elect to go back home. One morning, you rise with the sun and start collecting all the things you left behind in his room. It’s imperative to create some distance between you and him again. After all, you’ve gone above and beyond. Initially, this was about checking on your friend. A blind man could see that Rafe wants more than that however. You fear things will spiral to a point of no-return if you don’t leave now. You did so well these last few weeks, getting over Rafe. Or trying to at least. Now all that hard work is on the rocks.

Displeasure paints Rafe’s features as he watches you shove as many of the stray objects you scattered in his space inside your bag. You ended things so abruptly the first time that you never bothered coming back to collect everything you left in Rafe’s room.

“Come on, you could stay a little longer,” he pleads.

“It’s time for me to go home, Rafe.”

“Then just stay the night. You can leave tomorrow.”

“Rafe, it’s been well over a week.”

He sucks his teeth, sniggering meanly, “That excited to be rid of me, huh?”

Your forehead creases.

“It’s not like that.”

Rafe scoffs, “Nah, I get it. You’ve moved on and you never want to see me again, right?”

“Rafe…”

His fingers thread through yours, drawing you back to him. Towering above you, he whispers, “It's just one night. It won’t be different from the other ones. I just want to be able to feel you one last time.”

You purse your lips. You could never say no to anything Rafe asks when he looks at you like that. Like you’re his lifeline, the only thing keeping his head above water. 

It's probably not a great idea. Rafe’s been getting handsier than you’d like these last few days, and you didn’t have the heart to push him away. But what’s one more night? You’ll be gone tomorrow anyways.

“Okay,” you concede.” But I’m really leaving tomorrow.”

A victorious grin breaks out on his face.

“Of course, angel.”

At first, your last night at Tannyhill does indeed seem like the others. You slip under the covers next to Rafe, as you’ve done every other night. His light snores fill the room, his arm finding its way around your waist. Like always. You’ve gotten used to this. You don’t protest, finding comfort in the knowledge you’ll be done with everything Rafe Cameron the next day.

So you let him get close once more. His heat encases you as he nestles his head in the crook of your neck. You don’t even give much thought to the thick bulge poking the small of your back. This is Rafe. He grows hard half the time when you cuddle. Usually, you get him to back off with a frown and a light shove on his chest.

But tonight’s different.

He starts rubbing against you, his hand sneaking below the shirt covering your body.

“Rafe? What are you doing?” you whisper, your voice high-pitched from shock.

“Shh, quiet, angel,” he hushes, trailing sloppy, heated pecks along your neck and shoulder.

“Rafe, you can’t…” Your voice dwindles to a gasp when his digits creep between under your ass, teasing your folds through your panties. He pinches your clit, rolling it between his fingertips. You bite down a sharp cry. 

“I said I wanted to feel you one last time, angel.”  

He shoves a finger inside your panties and sinks between your walls. The embarrassing squelching of your cunt echoes in the room, Rafe beginning to pump inside you at a steady pace. Naturally, he knows exactly how to move his fingers to turn you into a panting, shivering mess against him. You try to resist it, ignore the fire rising in your core, but your skin is easily set ablaze by Rafe’s familiar touch. Your belly knots. Tingles bloom on your flesh. He sweeps along your tender spots and you choke on your spit.

Heat gathers in your face as you grow slicker beneath Rafe’s hand.

He tugs on your panties, sliding them down your legs.

Rafe shifts position. He places himself above you and shimmies out of his boxers. Alarm bells ring inside your head when his thick tip prods at your entrance.

“Rafe…”

Words wither on your tongue as he buries his cock inside you in one blunt thrust. A quiet scream flies from your mouth, your chest heaving.

“Don’t be like this,” Rafe grunts, arrogance dripping from his lustful timbre. “I know you’ve been missing how my fat cock feels inside that tight little pussy, right?”

“We’re broken up, Rafe,” you wheeze out, struggling to catch your breath as your walls strain at his size.

“So?” He pulls out of you, only to sheathe himself inside your wet heat again. Your eyes roll back, your fingers clutching weakly at the sheets.

Rafe’s half-lidded gaze darkens as he drinks you in, his tone getting possessive.

“You’re in my bed, wearing my shirt. I’d say that makes you mine.”

The protests on your tongue evaporate, your thoughts dipping into a tailspin as Rafe slams his cock inside your dripping cunt. Desperation and lust marks each of his deep, pointed thrusts. Your head tosses over the pillows.

Stars fill your sight, pleasure swirling through your limbs. Air dwindles in your lungs as he stretches you out deliciously. His thick cock brushes against your sweet spot repeatedly and your lids flutter. Rafe’s own breaths grow more ragged. His throat bobs, his hard muscles clenching with his motions. He balances his arm above your head, looming over you as sweat dots on his brow.

His warm breath grazes your face as he chuckles.

“It’s like coming home, right? Like I never left.”

“I’m gonna get my shit together. I swear to you, angel.” He rests his forehead against yours. Rafe’s masculine scent floods your senses and your mind spins. You keen as he snaps his taut hips into yours, helpless as Rafe cages you with his frame. “Just don’t leave me again, okay? Please, I need you.”

Over the next few weeks, while his arm is healing, you and Rafe relapse into old habits. First, it’s that night at his house, the one that stirs your unease for a while. Then it’s a quickie in the back of his truck after he offers to drop you off one day. Progressively, it becomes more than that. Dates and late night calls, like before. 

Rafe complaining to you for hours about Sarah or the weight of his dad’s expectations. Rafe sending flowers to your doorstep. Rafe making butterflies swarm in your stomach when he tells you that you’re the only one who understands him.

The walls you erected crumble day by day, shattered by his persistence to win you back. He showers you with gifts and attention on a near daily basis now, even going as far as planning the most romantic evening for Valentine’s day. Though you had plans with your friends, Rafe is so adamant to have you all to himself that you ditch Galentine's day cocktails to be with him.

Slowly but surely, the Cameron heir weasels his way back into your heart. 

Most of your friends aren’t thrilled with your decision, of course. Marissa in particular.

“Guys like him don’t change,” she tells you one night as he’s blowing up your phone with texts inquiring about your whereabouts. You fervently disagree. He’s just worried about you, you convince yourself. That's how much he cares.

Of course Rafe has changed. He’s earning your trust, one day at a time. He has his temper in check. He’s better now. He’s proven it several times.

Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?

Besides, though you struggle to admit it, there’s something intoxicating about being Rafe Cameron’s girlfriend. A feeling so heady and electric. One you shamefully kind of missed.

You trust Rafe. Those are the words that keep playing in your mind as you wait for him downstairs. You fiddle with your solo cup, taking a tiny sip of your beer. Techno music blares from the speakers in Kelce’s living room. The girls next to you gossip about a crush on some guy you don’t know. You feign interest, giving a dull nod and a smile every now and then. Lavish, hedonistic Kook parties aren’t exactly your scene anymore. Rafe practically had to drag you here.

The initial plan was to meet with your friends tonight. But Rafe closed off when you told him that. He then pleaded with you to come. You caved in, because refusing him has been incredibly difficult since the accident. So you’ve stopped trying to argue with him. 

You go along with most of what he asks, even if it stirs your discomfort at times. 

You glance at the time on your phone. 

Rafe said he needed to go to the bathroom earlier. 

That was nearly thirty minutes ago. Your brows draw together. Taking a leak shouldn’t take that long in theory, right? Or are you this paranoid now?

Still, you can’t quell the dread tickling your insides. A sense of deja vu seeps through you.

Your feet carry you upstairs, guided by your urgent need to find Rafe. 

Kelce’s house is huge and you nearly get lost multiple times. Your cheeks flame as you stumble upon a couple in one of the guest rooms. You hastily apologize and slam the door shut, resuming your search. It takes you a long time of blind wandering through endless corridors before you find him. 

He’s indeed in a bathroom. At least that, he didn’t lie about…unlike the line of coke he’s snorting above the sink.

“Rafe?” you call, frozen on the doorstep. “What are you doing?”

A brief glimpse of panic flits across his face before he bursts out in laughter.

He makes his way to you and tilts your chin upward.

“It’s a party, I’m just having fun. You should try it sometime.”

You scowl at him. “That’s not the point. You promised...”

Rafe sniffs, wiping the remnants of white powder beneath his nose.

“Come on, just relax.” He crowds your space, placing his hands on each side of you on the door. It slams shut as Rafe presses his body against yours, his voice sinking to a lewd rasp. “Why don’t you and I get into the hot tub downstairs and…”

“No,” you assert. “You promised, Rafe. No more drugs.”

When he tries to cup your cheek, you shove his hand away. His jaw clenches.

“Why do you always have to be such a stuck up bitch?”

An astonished breath leaps off your throat.

“I’m sorry?”

Instead of apologizing, a broad grin stretches on his lips, “I’m just saying. Maybe you’re the one who needs to loosen up.”

You note the hollowness in Rafe’s eyes and the sweat glistening over his bare skin.

Tears rush to your eyes. You’ve learnt to recognize the signs. Empty promises, like always. Why did you expect things to be different this time?

You jump back from the door, slipping beneath Rafe’s arm. Wiping irate tears, you glare at him.

“This was a mistake. My friends were right. You’re never going to change.” 

You are such a fool. The depth of his deception didn’t hit you until you saw him bent over that sink. You caught him this time. Who knows how many times Rafe lied right to your face?

Once more, you allowed him to drag you into his spiral, offering no resistance and believing every sweet word and promise.

Closing your eyes, you suck in a deep breath. You think back to the last few weeks, to every time you surrendered an inch and Rafe took a mile. And you just let it happen. You land on a decision. This is the last time you let Rafe Cameron puppeteer his way back into your life.

You make a beeline for the exit. He impedes your path, towering over you as he stands before the door.

“Get out of my way, Rafe,” you hiss.

Rafe squints at you, taking slow, threatening steps towards you.

“Why? So you can leave me, again?” Something lurks in Rafe’s gaze, turning his blue eyes almost black. Chills crawl over your spine. You shrink, retreating as far as the restricted space in the bathroom allows. “No way, you’re not leaving me.”

You chew on your lip, a surge of adrenaline spiking through your veins. You try to run past him but he grabs your wrists and slams you harshly against the bathroom wall.

Your voice comes out a quivering sob.

“Rafe, don’t you dare…”

As you try to wrestle out of his hold, he bangs your head against the tiles. Sharp needles of pain pierce through your skull. You grow dizzy as your legs start shaking. Rafe uses the momentum to push you onto the floor. 

“Dare what, huh? Take what’s mine?” he snarls. His broad body drapes over yours. You taste the liquor on his tongue as he steals your lips in a rough, possessive kiss. A sick laugh leaves him when you bite his lip, drawing blood. A metallic taste fills your mouth. Through your hazy sight, you watch with horror as Rafe unbuttons his pants. 

He reaches under your dress, tearing your panties with one tug of his hand. Fear floods your veins. You writhe underneath him as he guides his length to your entrance.

“I think you’re forgetting, angel. You’re nothing without me.” His taunting whisper sears into your skin like a hot knife. “I made you, little Kook princess.”

Your mouth opens, a scream building in your throat. But it never makes its way past your lips, Rafe wrapping his hand around your neck as he impales you on his cock. Helpless whimpers roll off your tongue as he sets an unforgiving pace right away, ignoring each of your tearful pleas for him to stop. His scalding breaths ghost over your face. Beads of sweat drip from his skin to yours. Sobs shake your frame as you writhe beneath him, left with no other choice but to be the vessel for his anger and lust.

“I need you, just like you need me,” he mumbles hotly, trailing bites and kisses alongside your neck. The room dims around you with each painful stab of Rafe’s cock inside your bruised core.

The hand around your neck tightens, Rafe’s wrathful baritone edging on a roar.

“Don’t you ever try to leave me again. I won’t be able to take it, angel. In fact…” His lips skim over your earshell as he whispers, “I’d rather fucking kill you and myself before letting you walk out on me again.”

[jensettermandu]

vampire - aeri uchinaga

genre; angst, fluff (not much), sfw

pairing; giselle x female reader

content; unhealthy relationship; poor communication, 'i can fix her' - aeri, 'hot and cold' - y/n, arguments, jealousy, and toxicity in general. 6th member of lsfm, 01' liner.

synopsis; aeri can't help but feel like she's in a relationship with a vampire the way her girlfriend bleeds her dry, but she also can't help but continue to feed into all of her whims and desires despite it feeling like she isn't getting a drop of blood back.

wc; 7.6k+

songs; big city blues - lil peep , risqué - cute is what we aim for , tragic girl - weezer , candles - juice wrld , your favourite dress - lil peep/lil tracy

masterlist

“I missed you,”

Aeri expected to hear the same words back, but she should have known better, however, Y/n was impossible to read most of the time. It had been over a year yet Aeri felt like she was at times still on the same page as when she first talked to the girl. 

Y/N was impossible to learn because she changed more than the weather. Her girlfriend was hard to love, but even harder to understand for anyone, yet Aeri was putting her whole heart on the line and would always take a leap of faith for Y/n. There was no transparency to her, but there were cracks at times. 

It wasn’t Y/n that messed up, but Aeri saying these words of affection after longing for someone she viewed as her other half. She shouldn’t have said that she had been longing after her. It wasn’t even metaphorical; a wall dropped down between them and Y/n was no longer in her arms.

“Yeah well, you wouldn’t miss me so much if you decided to spend more time with me.”

She forgot how cold the nights could get at times, especially when they weren’t in each other’s arms. The days ran busy and nights were used to suffice exhaustion and she knew that she had spent less time with her girlfriend. Y/n was high-maintenance as her friends had told her; Y/n’s friends included. 

It didn’t help that they both lived in dorms and it did limit them at times. 

Y/n was also hot and cold.

Their meetings felt almost like secret affairs which Y/n would complain about now and then. The quiet–in Aeri’s opinion serene and intimate–rendezvous after dark with just them and no one else around as they would walk along the sidewalks, talking, gazing, sharing a bond and intimacy. 

The wind somewhat howled as it blew from the corner of the apartment building’s rounding. Aeri had yet to move as she watched Y/n’s slim figure walking away from her, the only small light being the one from the girl’s phone. 

How much sacrifice was love worth?

Aeri wasn’t going to put a limit now; she was ready to go until she dropped dead with no heart left to keep her alive because Y/n had consumed it all; blood and flesh because she was aware of how selfish the girl could be. She could hand her her heart, but Y/n would grab her whole and rip her to shreds to fulfil her hunger; with Aeri possibly getting something back. 

It didn’t end there because Y/n would then spit her right back out.

It was what she wanted in the end; for Y/n to just want her too, no matter how she wanted her as long as she did even if the girl didn’t want her after.

Could she blame Y/n? No. She was aware that her girlfriend had been through a lot, that it all led to walls being put up and that whenever something was off the smallest amount; new walls dropped. Aeri was willing to sacrifice for her love; she was stuck with the mentality of being able to help Y/n.

One step forward could at times mean ten steps backwards though.

It had been a long day, she should have been back in the dorm, sleeping, they were still promoting their new album. Aeri was drained as it was, but she was offering herself for Y/n’s sake. 

“Y/n, I’m not in the mood to run after you tonight.” Her tone was somewhere between pleading yet firm, walking a thin line because she knew what the wrong type of tone led to.��

“As if I could expect that from you.” She barely caught it and shoved her hands into her pants pockets, refusing to follow. 

Her eyes stuck on the girl who was taking long yet languid steps, dressed in a black skirt, ripped tights, white tank top with a zip-up that was sliding down her shoulder. Aeri’s zip-up hoodie as she stood in just her t-shirt after giving it to Y/n. 

How long did she stand still? Fighting the urge so she wouldn’t run after Y/n like she always did. It was as if something was pulling her after the girl, perhaps the invincible collar that Y/n had on her while at the same time, she tried to fight against its every tug.

She remembered what truly had pulled her towards the girl, to begin with, and what tied her to Y/n. It was physical attraction when she first saw her, then came the attraction after seeing how similar they were in interests to aesthetics and at last, she spoke to the girl and realised that she would fall. 

She did.

Aeri walked right after Y/n because she wasn’t going to limit her love for the girl. There was no love without pain, right? Y/n was worth getting hurt for, she was sure that she could mend what was shattered inside her girlfriend, but it would only be possible if she followed her even if it was blindly.

“Okay wait.” She gave in at last as she took a few long strides towards her girlfriend, slipping her hand into Y/n’s. Maybe those constant texts and calls weren’t enough throughout the days; she could do more than text and call. 

Her fingers intertwined with Y/n’s who looked at her with her piercing gaze, the one that devoured Aeri from the outside. However, it would eat long enough until she was consumed whole. 

“I wanna take you on a date, I have a day off Monday.” She could make it up, she always did even if she wasn’t sure if there was much she had to make up for. Aeri would still do it for Y/n. It wasn’t like she could do much about her schedule, but there was always a way to give more than she already had. 

She refused to let Y/n slip through her fingers. 

The wall was still there and she knew that she needed to make up for it to come back down. Y/n would be distant, it would be cold, again, until those icebergs melted. 

Y/n looked uninterested, her eyes vacant and Aeri always tried to occupy them. To fit into Y/n’s gaze, to reflect in her eyes and to feel seen. At times she wondered if Y/n’s heart at least sped up at times because of her, if it was even beating to begin with. How did someone manage to be so cold yet magnetise like a warm fire? 

She reached her hand up to the girl’s face as the wind blew, fixing the loose strands of layered hair. “Fine–” She pursed her lips as Y/n moved her face away and dropped her hand. It did ache, it did make a fear run across her spine; how much did she mess up this time? When would she pushed away far enough by Y/n to lose her? Why was she always so apprehensive around Y/n? “I still want to go home, I’m tired.” 

What had it been? 30 minutes since they met up? Aeri spent more time getting to the place together with getting back than she had spent with her girlfriend. It was still worth it. Those 30 minutes with Y/n were worth it. She had grown to realise that it was better to take whatever she got at times. 

She had missed the girl in the end after the distance between them due to work.

“Y/n,” Aeri started as they stood face to face, Y/n’s gaze didn’t falter while hers had to wander away every three seconds. “I’m sorry, I promise to make it up to you.” 

“I know. You promise each time.” 

She swallowed down the heaviness of not being able to take care of Y/n like she wanted to and always tried to. She was only able to speculate what could be going through Y/n’s head at the moment or ever for that matter. It felt like she had never been let inside; it wasn’t a feeling, it was the truth. That was why she clutched the small crumbs dearly.

“I’m for real this time.” 

“I’m aware.” 

An awkwardness fell upon her, knowing that she made more promises than she could handle. She at times had to cancel because of work. She still made up every time, yet every time it still got distant from Y/n’s side.

“Are you mad?”

“No.” That meant yes, she knew that much about her girlfriend. Aeri would say that she was thankful that Y/n’s manager pulled over by the curb, saving her from any more opportunities to mess up again. 

She couldn’t just let her go like that, “I love you,” she reminded and for a moment she hesitated. Aeri leaned in and got the cheek turned to her which she settled for. “Yeah, love you.” The words felt thrown and she was fully aware that Y/n was mad at her despite all her efforts to see her amidst her busy schedule as the car drove off.

“Awh, that’s so cute.” Yunjin cooed, being quicker to the gift by Y/n’s makeup spot than the girl herself. The other girl walked around Yunjin and took her seat in the makeup chair as the green room was starting to crowd. 

A cute black bat plushie, Y/n rolled her eyes, her hands reached for the small envelope stuck to it together with a blood-red rose. She opened it, somewhat already expecting what would be said. Aeri often sent her gifts, but the older tended to send them more often on these occasions. 

‘I’m packed today, but I fixed everything for you, I will call you when I get home. Love you <3’

Aeri’s care was overwhelming and Y/n couldn’t figure out if she was overcaring, overdoing it just to fool her or if it was out of genuine care and love. It only filled up the balloon of anxiety and distrust towards her girlfriend instead of doing the opposite for Y/n. What were her intentions? People always had ulterior motives, didn’t they? Was anyone just nice to be nice?

Y/n knew what love was. 

“What did it say?” Yunjin’s curiosity never subsided as she found herself more nosy than Y/n would deem acceptable. 

“The same.” She mumbled, haphazardly handing the note to her side and the girl beside her took it.

“I think it’s the thought that counts, she could have just sent a text.”

Why would Aeri go out of her way? It only made Y/n run more leery. 

It wasn’t the same words every time, but each time she wouldn’t be able to talk throughout the days she sent gifts and other things. Was it to make up for it? Y/n had no clue. 

Y/n would prefer a short text over the care.

She reached for the plushie and looked over her shoulder at the glimpse of a shadow that passed them. “Eunchae–” The girl was cut short by Yunjin who grabbed hold of the plushie, catching the rose that was about to fall.

“No, you can’t just give it away.” She clicked her tongue and grabbed the stuff, the note included before she turned around and handed it over to a passing manager who would bring it to the car. 

Yunjin was close with Aeri; she was the one who gave her Y/n’s number and was there when they first met as it was disguised as a casual hangout. She was the one who without Y/n’s knowledge possibly slipped up and mentioned that Y/n was high maintenance, but would also draw back despite wanting care. It was an accident. All in all, she was always there for Y/n as her friend. 

“It’s only a matter of time until she retreats and leaves me to grasp for crumbs. It’s always the same.” Y/n muttered, looking over her nails, trying not to give into the overwhelming emotions that continued to fill the balloon every day. There was a reason to let Aeri close, but not too close, too close meant that she could hurt her if she let all the walls down. 

“Why not talk to her about it then?” Y/n’s eyes moved up and looked in the mirror at Sakura’s voice who sat down on the chair beside her. They carefully moved to Yunjin for reassurance of what she thought about those words, but all she got was an unfortunate nod of agreement. 

“About what?”

“Your insecurities, fears, the fact that you’ve had terrible experiences with your previous partners.” Yunjin started to list the things, not beating around the bush, however, her tone held genuine care and compassion to try and help her friend. 

“So she can use it against me?” Was the first thing that came to Y/n’s mind at the suggestion, making the two older girls share a look; it wasn’t as easy as they wished it was. Y/n too wished it was easier, but when she found warmth and comfort behind cold walls, it was hard to let them down. If something happened before, what reassured her that it wouldn’t happen again? 

Just because it was Aeri, didn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. Y/n was aware that she could never completely know someone; never 100% and that she would always have to trust her for her words. The issue was that Y/n couldn’t do that; trust gestures or words.

“Why would she do that?” Sakura genuinely questioned and Y/n got up from her seat at the call of her manager about food; yet another gesture of Aeri to make sure that she ate.

“I already regret telling any of you anything at all.” The girl honestly spoke as the help only got overwhelming because it left her in more conflict. 

“That’s not very nice of you.” She pushed past Yunjin, ignoring her further complaints about being hurt as she grabbed Kazuha to eat with her instead. 

Not let Aeri close enough to hurt her.

Aeri sighed and tossed her phone to the side, trying to figure out what she did wrong this time. At this point, she was close to believing that she possibly sent the wrong type of food to the girl. It was ridiculous and she was painfully aware of it yet she did nothing about it, but continued trying. 

She couldn’t help the fact that she cared, being fully aware that Y/n wanted her to care even if it left her misled because of how Y/n also pushed her away. 

The darkness in her room was lit up as she got a notification and she blindly reached for her phone.

: stuck at practice, let’s talk later

: ok, lemme know when you’re back 

: Love you, take care and don’t push yourself too far

She watched as the message was read, but she got nothing sent back which elicited a groan from between her lips. The guessing game was impossible to win; did Y/n want her to care or not? Did she want an ‘I love you’ or not? If she did and Aeri didn’t send it to her she would grow cold, but if she didn’t want it and she still sent it, Aeri felt like a fool. 

This was the girlfriend she wanted, this was the girlfriend she fed her every drop of blood to the way she sucked her dry and left her with no energy. 

With the phone resting on her chest she stared at the dark ceiling, it was nearing midnight and all she wanted to do was talk on the phone with Y/n until she would doze off. All she wanted to do was make sure that Y/n wasn’t overworking herself and that she was fine, but she didn’t want to be too much at the moment. Aeri figured that Y/n needed her space after the staleness that grew after they saw each other. 

In the end, guessing was all that she could do.

She was snapped out of it when the door opened, saving her from the overthinking that always turned melancholic.

Y/n learned that she could probably stare at the messages with her girlfriends for hours as she waited for an answer. It was past midnight and she was in the car with Chaewon who she had stayed behind with. 

It had been a good ten minutes since she texted Aeri.

She didn’t have the time to reply earlier; at least that was her excuse to make herself seem less cold. It left her guilty otherwise because she did care, but how did she show that without having to be vulnerable? Without having to let her girlfriend closer?

Ten minutes of waiting for an answer.

Ten minutes too long. 

She left the chat and opened her socials. The girl sunk into her seat, biting the nail of her thumb as she felt that green garden growing inside her. Aeri wasn’t obliged to be live on Instagram with Minjeong, ignoring her texts or at least not answering them. She didn’t like feeling jealous, it always made her melt into a miserable puddle that had no clue how to express it because of the susceptibility it made her feel. 

She hated that one person was able to affect her this much. That one person was able to hurt her at any moment. That something this small could affect her at times. 

At least an answer would make her feel better, but Aeri seemed too busy with her friend. Was it because she had accidentally let Aeri past too many walls? Her fingers wouldn’t be trembling from overwhelming emotions if she had kept her at arm's length. It meant that she had let her closer than she dared.

Grief turned to anger and Y/n could only blame herself for being vulnerable enough to get hurt by this. To get hurt in the first place.

Aeri knew that she was in shambles when Y/n hadn’t replied to her texts, she replied exactly 15 minutes later, and all her calls had led to the automated voicemail. She had gone to bed, barely able to sleep, without any goodnight or I love you, and there hadn’t been any answers in the morning either.

Her last hope had been Yunjin. Her schedule had come to an end at around 7 P.M. With still no answer from her girlfriend, she called Yunjin. Even though it wasn’t the first time that she had been ignored for hours, it still left her worried each time. 

It somewhat irked Aeri to hear that Y/n had been at the company building the whole day and didn’t have more than the practice that ended at noon. It irked her that she had been ignoring Aeri without letting her know why, all she knew was that she somehow messed up. How? When? What was it? What did she do? She had to guess, again.

What irked her the most after her call with Yunjin was that Y/n was with Kazuha. 

She wouldn’t have minded if she had at least gotten a single reply. 

It wasn’t something she could help, but she had always been the slightest bit jealous when it came to Kazuha. Oh how much she hated it, to be jealous of someone who was Y/n’s group member. However, she felt like she had every right to hate it and be pissed about the proximity of Y/n and Kazuha’s relationship.

What was she angry about while sitting in the back of the car? That green mixed with red, angry about how the girl was always there when Aeri messed up and was always the one comforting her girlfriend. Someone had to, that someone should be Aeri, but instead, whenever she wanted to apologise, make up for it, and be there for Y/n…Kazuha was somehow always already there, witnessing Aeri at her worst while soothing Y/n, making it look like she only knew how to hurt and mess up.

Far from the truth. She hoped. Aeri had managed to grow insecure as their relationship progressed; regressed would be a better term. 

What hurt the most was that deep down she was aware that Y/n possibly didn’t trust her enough to find comfort in her.

All she wanted was for Y/n to open up to her. All she got was drained while watching her girlfriend open up to someone else about the problems of their relationship, but never to her. She had tried to bring them up, but it had always been a one-sided conversation. 

“Does she think that I’m enough? I get shut out when I mess up, I get shut out when she opens up…I’m honestly so confused at times.” Aeri frowned, unsure where she got the urge to suddenly start spilling out her feelings to Yunjin. There had been a heavy feeling in her chest, she wanted to be perfect for Y/n, to care for her and love her.

“I’m not even sure how I messed up this time.” She somewhat exclaimed in exhaustion, her voice leaving that timid whisper-like tone, with her arms gesturing outwards before falling to her sides. 

Aeri sighed to gather herself and not get too emotional, knowing well that Y/n and love were a sensitive topic for her because she loved her so much that she couldn’t love more. It was frustrating enough that she couldn’t show it in any more ways. 

She stared at the metal doors of the elevator they were in and looked to her side as Yunjin squeezed her shoulder to comfort her.

“I don’t think it’s that.” Yunjin shortly replied, sounding like she may had an idea what it would be.

Aeri raised her eyebrows in question at the words. Yunjin looked off to the side at the numbers that went up about to reach the floor. She clicked her tongue and heaved a sigh–probably not in the position to make statements–she knew what it was in the end.

“It’s not because you mess up that she distances herself—” Yunjin started and took the first steps towards the doors that had slid open as she quietly finished, “it’s because you don’t.” 

Aeri has put up with it, she had been standing in Y/n’s burning home despite being far from fireproof. She put up with the pain for Y/n, willing to stand in what was her home that was burning; Y/n’s whole world was on fire. Aeri wanted to put it out and help her see that just because the inside of a home was up in flames: it didn’t mean that everything outside of it was burning to the ground too. 

It seemed to have a different outcome and her not messing up, showing how much love there was, only made the fire ablaze and out of control.

She wasn’t going to stop though.

A long pause came—a silence that no one breached for the next few seconds—when Yunjin opened the door to the room where Y/n was. Kazuha included of course.

Jealousy bubbled inside her, Aeri never wanted to be that type, but it was impossible when it came to Y/n. The small couch was occupied by the two, Y/n’s legs thrown over Kazuha’s and they barely made an effort to look at them until Yunjin called for the younger. 

She felt stupid, but her heart knew what it felt and why it hurt, why it made her feel sick. She had too many feelings for Y/n to not feel like a part of her would rot every time she got jealous. It was ugly in the end, but she couldn’t help it when she saw someone she tried everything for open up within seconds to someone who wasn’t her. 

She bunched up the material of her jacket as she watched Y/n lift her head from Kazuha’s shoulder who unwrapped her arms from around her waist. Her eyes fell on Y/n who was already looking back at her and amongst all this, at least her presence was acknowledged and not ignored, Aeri already felt foolish enough.

The door closed after they left and Y/n leaned back on the couch, crossing her legs as she looked at her nails while picking at them. She knew what was wrong, she knew that Aeri would show up at some point, however, she had hoped that she wouldn’t because it would be easier to stay upset. To blame her for something (anything) and push her away for it even if Y/n had wanted nothing more than to spend a day with the girl who sat down on the other end of the couch.

Arms distance was still better, wasn’t it?

“Why do you treat me like–” Aeri started but stopped, her lips pursed and she took in a breath, deciding to consider her words first. With a sigh she averted her gaze towards her girlfriend, barely being able to feel her presence because of the walls that the girl had put between them. 

Was she supposed to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness? Was Aeri supposed to let Y/n tug her closer by the collar she had on her like always? To give in the way she always did. She had been patient for so long and nothing was working, the only thing she wanted was for it to work. It wouldn’t, not if she kept avoiding everything wrong for Y/n’s sake if she ignored it because Y/n didn’t want to ever talk about it. 

She had been doing everything for the girl, but nothing for their relationship to actually work out like it should. 

“I don’t like how close you two are at times,” Aeri admitted, deciding to be truthful, to be open about the ugliness that didn’t have to be there if they only talked about it. 

She for the first time in the one year they had been together brought up a problem without beating around the bush; Y/n always ran away from all problems, especially if she tried to talk about them and it made Aeri look like a terrible person. 

“It was fine for you to be all over Minjeong on live though, I wasn’t comfortable with that.” In contrast to Aeri’s calm tone, Y/n spat venom at her. She could see the walls growing taller by the second as it started right after she brought it up. It was always the same, nothing changed yet it always hurt no matter how used she was to it.

“I wasn’t all over her, plus we were live, obviously I will be a bit closer and you know it yourself Y/n. We are in the same industry.” Her fingers threaded through her hair, sighing at the emotions that were bubbling inside her chest. “What I don’t understand is why you would be so close to her when no cameras or fans are watching. I get it, but there is a limit even between friends.” In the end, Aeri wouldn’t mind, but it was a bit too much for her to be comfortable with it. 

It could be mistaken; Kazuha could be mistaken for Y/n’s girlfriend and Aeri for her friend.

Y/n could feel the walls closing in on her, she had always found comfort in the walls she put up. These walls were ones that Aeri was pushing past and it was all closing in on her, leaving her with no room to breathe. All she needed was a way out before it would become overwhelming and she would be unable to breathe. Aeri was getting too close–arm's length, she was past that–and Y/n wanted to run, but her feet were stuck to the ground.

“Maybe because my girlfriend doesn’t have the time to give me what I need. I needed to talk to you, I wanted to be with you—” All her defences went up as she tried her best to crawl into her shell of safety in case Aeri managed to crumble her walls. “You were too busy being on a live you weren’t obliged to be part of.” The girl scoffed out, in disbelief. 

Y/n hated how gently the girl was doing it, that she wasn’t wrecking them like everyone else had always done. All those times her walls were forcefully broken down and she was wrecked together with those walls. Why couldn’t Aeri wreck all her walls and her like the rest? Why couldn’t she hurt her and be familiar? 

It made red lights go off in Y/n’s head as she stood up from the couch. One thing in mind: Aeri was coming in softly and would wreck her, ruin her worse than anyone else had managed to do because she would have Y/n in her arms when doing it. She would get close enough for it to hurt more than anyone had been able to hurt her because she would be on the inside. 

Love had turned into logic for Y/n; this was like a trojan horse. 

“You were too busy taking care of someone else, someone who you see every day.” 

“I’m always there for you though, I just happened to be away from my phone for a few minutes and you made it a big deal.” She reasoned, watching the girl anxiously pull on the sleeves of her sweater. Even if the girl was a closed and locked book, Aeri could read Y/n when it came to certain things. She took her time to analyse the small details on the outside and the tiny peeks she got on the inside. 

Enough to know that everything was burning on the inside. Enough to know that Y/n was doing everything to turn it around and make it easier for herself to push away Aeri again. 

“Why do you invalidate my feelings, Aeri? You don’t know what I felt or what I feel and when I try to tell you about it, you say it’s the opposite.” 

And she knew enough to know that it would start draining her again. Aeri didn’t want to fight with Y/n so she caved before she even managed to start. She felt like Y/n’s marionette, however, she was fully aware of how she was controlled and bent to her master’s every whim and desires. 

“Hey–” She clicked her tongue and grabbed hold of Y/n’s hand, gently pulling the girl over to her. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid, they are and always will be.” It came with ease, to give into Y/n came naturally to her as she pulled the girl to sit down beside her on the couch. “I shouldn’t have said that.” She continued, being okay with being wrong as long as Y/n was there.

Y/n couldn’t determine whether or not she liked that Aeri gave in the way she did. She expected her to fight, to drill on until Y/n couldn’t defend herself until she was destroyed. No matter how much her mind told her to run, her heart melted as she got pulled into a hug. It was an embrace she had always needed from someone who was more than a friend, even if it was scary it was comforting. 

It was hard to distinguish whether it was excitement or fear that she felt at the moment, but she loved the feeling. She loved Aeri.

Aeri rested her chin on Y/n’s shoulder, pulling her closer at the tickling feeling of the girl’s breath hitting her neck who ended up in her lap, sitting sideways. Her eyes glanced down and she intertwined her fingers with Y/n’s, caressing the smooth skin with the tenderness she had for her. This was all she wanted.

“I love you, Y/n.” She reminded her that all that she did in the end was love and care for her. 

It followed with a small silence as she stared ahead at the empty wall, she wasn’t worried because she knew where Y/n’s heart lay. Not necessarily fully in her hands, but she could touch it with her fingertips and feel its pulse. 

“I love you,” Y/n loved her even if she had yet to fully trust her. 

Aeri lifted her chin as Y/n pulled back and she looked up at the girl in her lap, her hand caressing the small of her back. It was these moments where there were cracks in Y/n’s walls and it made Aeri’s heart speed up at the vulnerability she could see in Y/n’s eyes. It sped up because of the relief knowing it was possible to delicately get past those walls, but it also sped up in fear; knowing it was only a matter of time before that one step forward would end up with ten steps back.

She untangled her fingers and moved her hand over to Y/n’s face who this time didn’t pull away, but leaned in as she pushed aside her hair before cradling her cheek in her palm. Their eyes met, Y/n’s fingers fiddled with the baby hairs at her nape, her arms loosely around her shoulders. 

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” She asked, not wanting to feel her chest tighten at the girl turning her cheek again. Her eyes glanced down at the full lips, the girl’s tongue coming out and poking at the corner of her glossy lips. 

A mere ghost brushed past her lips when Y/n leaned closer before letting Aeri close the little space left between them. Y/n couldn’t deny that she loved how Aeri kissed her, how she held her, how she took care of her, and how tender and filled with love it all was. She loved how it made her heart go into a crescendo. 

Yet Aeri cared too much—she had always been caring and it wasn’t obnoxiously so, but giving an abused dog a treat won't make it trust the person, it won’t probably touch it in fear that it is used to deceive to be able to hurt it after. It made the treat it so much wanted turn obnoxious.

She traced patterns over her back as they pulled away, fingers playing with Y/n’s hair as she admired her face from close, missing her girlfriend because she never felt like she truly got her. That distance strained them and made it difficult to stay warm in the cold. 

“I just want this to work out.” It was a small whisper as if saying it too loud would harm them, but it harmed everything anyway. She could feel the mood shift in how Y/n’s body got less relaxed in her hold. 

“It is working out, there’s no need to bring it up,” Y/n argued, liking it when they were like this. When they were in a spot where she could have Aeri right there whenever she wanted, but also put space between them whenever she wanted. It had worked so far; at least Y/n liked to think it did because it worked for her. 

She wasn’t selfish enough to not notice that it was only working in her favour, that Aeri always gave in while suffering. However, she had been selfish enough to keep at it; to fill her needs and then disappear when Aeri offered a bit too much and she knew that she had to give something in return. To let her guard down.

“You’re choosing ignorance, Y/n. I don’t want that.”  It was hurting Y/n as much as it did Aeri who didn’t want the girl to hurt when they chose ignorance. Aeri frowned and Y/n was slipping through her fingers again and the heat turned into cold as the girl moved away from her. She watched Y/n who placed her head in her palms, elbows resting on her knees while she took deep breaths. 

“Why can’t you just choose to be ignorant for once too?” She wasn’t taken aback when Y/n snapped at her. The warmth was gone from her eyes and they were once again filled with that vacancy and anger to this time.

She knew where this was heading. ‘It’s not because you mess up that she distances herself, it’s because you don’t.’ She was aware of how Y/n always twisted everything until Aeri was stuck in a corner where she could only mess up because of the pressure of being put in that situation, to begin with. It was draining her; how long could she take this? How long could she put up with it out of pure love?

“Why do you always have to make things so complicated for no reason?” Her girlfriend continued as she looked at Aeri in disbelief.

It hurt when she only wanted the best for Y/n, for them, but maybe she didn’t know what the best was. 

“I’m doing it for a reason, I’m doing it because I care about you, I love you and want the best for you, for us and we can’t have that if—” 

Y/n stood up in frustration, cutting her girlfriend off, and not letting her finish. She didn’t know what to do with all that love and care she received so all that she could think of was to turn it away; to block it out. It made everything crawl inside her out of fear and Aeri did everything but understand that.

“What do you want me to do?” The girl exclaimed, turning around and gesturing with her arms that then fell to her sides with a thud. The anxiety was filling the room from the heaving breaths for air, from the way she paced and tugged at her clothes; nothing was helping her grasp reality as the thoughts were getting too overwhelming. “I can’t help that I don’t want to jump into your open arms no matter how much reassurance of a safe fall I get. It doesn’t work like that, Aeri.” 

Aeri’s love and care were overwhelming and Y/n hated that she couldn’t appreciate it the way it should be appreciated. She loved that she got it, but hated it once it lasted a second too long because she felt how it slowly melted everything she had built over the years.

It had been a year of Aeri standing with open arms. Her world felt like it was falling apart, but her desire and love for Y/n stayed strong and it was the only thing keeping her together. Trying to save Y/n was killing her and soon enough it would be too late and she would fall into Y/n’s burning world and end up just like the girl.

Love was worth the sacrifice.

“It doesn’t work like this either!” Her voice went up and she never raised it, Aeri never could when it came to the girl in front of her, but she was desperate. Her hands clutched onto the material of her jeans as she stared up at Y/n with tears in her eyes. It was frustrating as she was trying everything and kept being proven over and over that there was nothing she could do. 

Yet it wasn’t enough to stop her from trying.

“I get that it can be hard to trust someone, Y/n.” She calmed her tone, huffing as she leaned back against the couch and took in a deep breath to stop the uncomfortable prickling in her nose. When did it get so frustrating? Has it always been this draining to be with Y/n? But she loved her. How hard could love get at this point? 

It went silent aside from Y/n’s anxious pacing, which was anxiety-inducing for Aeri, it was silent. Aeri stared down at her lap and she could feel how the tears were floating in her eyes. She was ready to start grieving the loss of someone who she still had; she had already started crying because she knew that she lost Y/n once again. 

All she wanted was Y/n. Her fingers were restless as she pulled on the material of her bottoms, pouting, pursing her lips, huffing, blinking, swallowing (with pain), and clearing her throat. She was doing everything to not cry; it would only scare Y/n away further, wouldn’t it? To show that she meant so much that she could make Aeri cry. 

She could suppress it; just for Y/n. 

She could fix it. Fix them, fix Y/n, fix herself, and overall fix everything. There was a lot of fixing, but there was still enough left of her to do it, she could use whatever energy she had even if it would end with her collapsing from exhaustion. She would give her every drop for Y/n.

“But why can’t we just try to make it work.” She mumbled and with the words dropped tears, and with quick reflex, she caught them with the sleeve of her jacket and snivelled. It was choking her, the way her heart pushed to her throat and left it to hurt, it all hurt and left a faint tremble. Aeri looked up at Y/n, her vulnerability was something she couldn’t hide unlike the girl in front of her who stopped at last. 

Was it wrong to cry because she felt bad for Y/n? The girl didn’t deserve to be in pain behind all those walls in her opinion. Y/n wasn’t doing anything wrong even if it seemed like it; she was just badly hurt and that wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t want to be hurt again. 

It wasn’t Y/n’s fault that it was hard to go back to the person she used to be, knowing that that person she used to be had died at the hands of someone who wasn’t deserving of Y/n. Someone who wrecked her home and set it on fire.

“It is working until you bring it up.” Y/n knew how to suck her tears up as her gaze bore into Aeri’s soul, the tears from her girlfriend a sign of the drainage she caused. It wasn’t intentional; it tore her knowing that she was breaking Aeri’s heart, someone she loved, but she had to put her heart first. 

She had learned that love wasn’t worth putting first.

Aeri exhaled, wiping her eyes again, using her sleeves while barely shaking her head. “It’s not working and this is the proof, Y/n. We wouldn’t be arguing about it if it all was fine. You said it yourself that you’re being ignorant. I’m willing to take it slow, I want to help you, but I can’t when you close off.” Even after all this time–a year–she was willing to give it more time. To give Y/n all the time she needed.

“I don’t need your fixing, Aeri. I’m fine with the way things are, the way I am.” Y/n bellowed with anger, too stubborn to change her ways, too stubborn not to put herself first despite wanting Aeri. Too stubborn not to put walls around her heart no matter how much it tried to beat free from the chains just for Aeri. It was a conflict she was facing; not with Aeri, but with herself.  

“You’re obviously, lying–” Aeri knew Y/n enough from the outside to know, but she had taken in as much as she could from those small cracks that could at times appear in Y/n’s walls. It was enough to let her know that Y/n wanted to love but was scared. 

“I’m not lying, I’m–”

“Yes, you are! You get defensive, you close up, and you ignore me. How is that fine to you or me?” Aeri exclaimed, abruptly getting up from the couch with a harsh wipe to her dewy eyes that couldn’t help but shed at the discomfort of her heart aching. 

Y/n scowled, gripping onto the sleeves of her sweater. “I’m done.” She stated the words firmly and her jaw clenched to the point where it hurt just to not tear up.

However, Aeri wasn’t done, she grabbed hold of Y/n’s closed fist, but with tenderness, because despite the anger there was no room for brutality in her love for Y/n. There was no room for hurt, however, it was harder than it sounded to prove it to someone who had only seen the love that came with nothing but havoc and brutality.

“You always are when it gets hard yet it’s fine the way it is?” 

“Fuck off, Aeri.” She exhaled as Y/n left her hold, leaving her to silently wipe at her tears in the now-empty room. Those tears that she would be wiping for the next few days if not weeks. There was no one else to do it for her. No one to mend her heart because even if Y/n left, it was still with her; aching at the distance that made her feel weak and sick.

Aeri didn’t say more, she didn’t do anything more, she didn’t chase, not at the moment; this wasn’t the first time Y/n was done with her. It was an endless cycle with her girlfriend–temporarily ex-girlfriend now–and she knew that she had to wait a few days or weeks until she could pull Y/n back in and show her that she loved her, that there was love for her, that it could all work out if she let Aeri in.

She was, in the end, willing to sacrifice for her love. 

masterlist

[purinfelix]

is it casual now? ✶⋆.˚ - joao felix

pairing - joao felix x reader summary - after yet another night spent together in secrecy, you finally build up the courage to ask Joao and uncomfortable question warnings - some angst, possibly a toxic relationship? word count - 1k

a/n: just bc ive been listening to chappell roan NONSTOP lately and realised i hadn't written a full length fic in a hot minute !!! hope u guys enjoy <333

There were a lot of people who wanted to know what kind of relationship you and Joao had.

Of course, there were endless amounts of media outlets and gossip pages that seemed to have eyes following everywhere the two of you went. It got to the point where you knew any time you were with him publicly, it would only be a few hours before your timeline was inundated with sensationalised headlines or sneakily taken candids.

Then there were the avid fans who commented on these posts, dreaming up theories that never failed to surprise you - that you were a childhood friend, a secret lover reuniting with him, or worst of all, that you were a ‘wannabe-WAG’ attempting to use Joao for his money. Perhaps most annoyingly though were your friends, who pressed endlessly for details whenever you mentioned having met up with the footballer recently despite your protests.

Sometimes it felt like all eyes were on you and your relationship - but sitting here, in a plush white hotel bathrobe on an equally plush and white hotel bed - you couldn’t help but feel as though you were the one who wanted to know most of all. You let the hand holding your phone fall to your side, heart heavy after seeing yet another gossip page post about the outing the two of you had gone on earlier the day with a headline relaying the typical narrative that you were nothing more than a gold-digging fake.

“Don’t bother with those,” you hear a soft voice behind you, Joao making his way out of the hotel bathroom in a matching bathrobe. His hair is still dripping wet from the shower and you’re almost envious of the way his skin glows in the soft ambient light. “Those idiots don’t know anything,” his tone is adamant, and you’d almost think he was being genuine.

“Well, it’s not like you tell them anything,” you mumble, barely louder than a whisper but he still catches the attitude in your tone.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffs, tossing the small towel he was using to dry his hair to the ground without a care. Making his way to the other side of the bed, he lies chest-down, eyes fixed on you.

“All I’m saying is,” the regret in your voice at having brought up this tired conversation is evident but the almost daring expression on Joao’s face forces you on, “we can’t expect them not to make all these crazy theories when you’ve basically been keeping me a secret all this time.”

“Hey I thought we both agreed to keep this a secret, why is it all my fault all of a sudden?”

“It’s not, it’s just,” you sigh in frustration, eyes wandering the room - the crumpled bedsheets beneath you, your bag laying on the bedside table, contents half-spilled, your shirt laying where you had hastily thrown it - anywhere but his face.

“Just what?” he presses, and you bite your lip in a futile attempt to stop yourself from asking the question that’s been on your mind for as long as you’ve known him.

“What are we, Joao?” your gaze falls to your own lap, unable to look at the expression on his face as you’re sure it’ll only make his response sting more.

“Why are you asking me this now?” It’s clear this was the last thing he was expecting from the way he’s taken aback and slightly amused - which only frustrates you more.

“Why can’t I?”

“I mean, I thought we were just keeping this casual, you know? That’s what we agreed upon isn’t it?”

“Yeah, months ago.” You try to maintain your temper but you can’t help your voice from raising a little, “Don’t you think it’s time to reconsider that? I mean we’re a bit more than casual don’t you think? Casual doesn’t involve fancy hotel hook-ups or night time beach walks!”

“I don’t know, I mean,” his defensiveness irritates you, “You know what it’s like being a footballer, I just can’t have anything threatening my position right now. I need to focus on the game, a distraction is the last thing I need.”

“And what about me Joao? Don’t you think I’m tired of the constant slander I get every time we’re out together?” You feel your heart racing and your blood boiling, “You’ve seen the articles haven’t you?”

“Look, it’s late, I’m tired and really don’t feel like talking about this now. Can we just go to sleep? We’ll discuss this in the morning.” He doesn’t even wait for your reply before stretching out underneath the blankets with a loud fake-yawn. You just sit there slack jawed, not entirely surprised but still a little taken aback that he would just cut you off like that, in the middle of a conversation you had been rehearsing in your head for weeks like it was nothing.

You know he’s lying about discussing this in the morning but still, you reach over to turn off the lamp on your side table before slowly pulling the blanket over yourself - not like you have any other option. You make a point of turning your back to him and huffing though, too frustrated to fall asleep as your mind continues to whir with thoughts about all the things you’re going to say to him the minute you’re awake tomorrow.

That is, at least, until you feel the familiarly gentle touch of Joao’s hands around your waist, tugging you close to him until he’s able to fully envelope you in his arms. He kisses the back of your head - a slow, sleepy, almost genuine apology. You can’t do anything other than let out a soft sigh, closing your eyes and letting yourself get lost in the comfort you’ve learnt to find in his touch, in his scent, and his presence - no matter how fleeting it may be.

Because even if you wake up tomorrow to an empty bed, no sign of him even having been here at all other than a heavy heart, and no one else in the world knows what sort of relationship the two of you have - at least you’ll have moments like these to yourself to savour.

[poke-me-with-a-stick]

More DpxDc sleepy rambles!

What if blob ghost were more like bees than bottom feeders?

Like, they go around collecting small amounts of ectoplasm from everywhere, even environments that don't have a lot to give, and take it back to a 'hive' to stockpile. Only, because they are ghosts and not actually bees, they usually gather more than they need to survive. This would make them a lifeline for any ghost that stays in the material plane. If they're stuck in a place devoid of ambient ecto, they just have to find a blob ghost and follow them back to their hive!

But what happens when the ambient ecto is contaminated, like a bee collecting sugar from a non-natural source? You get contaminated honey(ecto), which can't sustain a ghost long term. Wether the blobs fade due to lack of proper nutrition, or they leave to make a new hive in a less toxic environment, they end up leaving the contaminated ecto behind. These abandoned hives are Lazarus pits.

(Sorry if this makes 0 sense, I'm super tired and my head hurts. But I needed to talk about the bee blobs)

[writing-with-sophia]

Poison list (2)

Hello, it's me again! After some feedback on my previous potion list post, I decided to research a little more about potions and come up with this post. I hope everyone will like it!

1. Poison Ivy

I think anyone who has watched Batman will know the female supervillain Poison Ivy. I thought it was a name she came up with until I found the Poison Ivy plant online, lol.

Eastern poison ivy is typically a hairy, ropelike vine with three shiny green leaves budding from one small stem. The leaves may be red in the fall.

Western poison ivy is typically a low shrub with three leaves. In the East, Midwest, and South, it grows as a vine.

It may have yellow or green flowers and white to green-yellow or amber berries.

It has an oily sap in its leaves called urushiol. This causes an allergic reaction that can make your skin red, swollen, and itchy.

2. Poison Oak

It is typically, a shrub with leaves of three, like poison ivy. The sun-facing side of the leaf has tiny hairs on it and is a darker shade of green than the ground-facing side. 

Pacific poison oak may be vine-like.

Though it grows all over the country, it’s more common in the West.

It could be hours or days before your skin reacts to the plant sap (urushiol). And your rash may eventually turn bumpy and form blisters that ooze.

3. White Snakeroot

A North American herb with flat-topped clusters of small white flowers and contains a toxic alcohol known as trematol.

Generally found in woods and along streams. It is not often found on open prairies because it does not do well in full sunlight. The plant will grow 1 to 3 feet in height and will have thin smooth leaves with toothed margins.

The poisonous effects in livestock usually result from direct consumption of the white snakeroot plants. In humans, poisoning can be caused by consumption of dairy products from cows that have eaten white snakeroot.

4. Rosary Pea

Also called jequirity beans, these piously-named seeds contain abrin, an extremely deadly ribosome-inhibiting protein.

Rosary peas are native to tropical areas and are often used in jewelry and prayer rosaries. While the seeds are not poisonous if intact, seeds that are scratched, broken, or chewed can be lethal.

It only takes 3 micrograms of abrin to kill an adult, less than the amount of poison in one seed. It is said that numerous jewelry makers have been made ill or died after accidentally pricking their fingers while working with the seeds.

Abrin in rosary pea prevents protein synthesis within cells and can cause organ failure within four days.

5. Foxglove

Its bell-shaped flowers are often bright purple but can be white, yellow, or pink. It blooms in the spring. It also has a fruit with lots of seeds, which kids sometimes eat.

 All parts of the flower are poisonous and can slow or disrupt your heart.

In fact, digitalis (a heart medicine) is derived from this plant. When formulated into a medication with a controlled dosage, digitalis is valuable in treating heart failure. It helps a weakened heart pump harder.

People who eat any part of the plant or make tea from the leaves are, in essence, taking an unregulated dose of heart medicine. This can cause the heart rate to slow down or become irregular. Both can be dangerous and life threatening.

6. Mistletoe

This plant lives off of other trees and shrubs, which makes it a parasite. Its stems are thick and easy to break, with lots of branches. The leaves are often thick and stay green all year. Its little yellowish flowers don’t have petals. The small, white berries have one seed and contain a sticky, poisonous pulp.

The berries can give you diarrhea and slow or stop your heart.

All parts of American mistletoe contain a toxic protein called phoratoxin, while European mistletoe contains viscotoxins, which prevent new cells from forming.

7. Oleander

Oleander (Nerium oleander) is a common ornamental evergreen shrub.

All parts of the oleander plant are deadly and contain lethal cardiac glycosides known as oleandrin and neriine.

If eaten, oleander can cause vomiting, diarrhea, erratic pulse, seizures, coma, and death, and contact with the leaves and sap is known to be a skin irritant to some people.

The plant is very bitter.

That's all!

[santsukii]

ᯓ✿ hurts to put in words

ˋ°•*⁀➷ anemo boys realizing they’ve fallen out of love with you

ˋ°•*⁀➷ venti, xiao, kaedehara kazuha, shikanoin heizou, wanderer x gn! reader

₊˚ angst!! very angst!! established (toxic) relationship, small amount of violence, cheating, mentions of alcohol

ᯓ✿ VENTI

it’s not like the anemo archon really knows his way around love despite having lived for thousands of years. for him, it was as simple as the spark between the two of you had faded. he had grown apathetic towards you, even emotionless at times. it wouldn’t take a genius to realize what was going on. the love that once resided in his eyes when he looked at you was replaced with a look of pain. he didn’t know how to leave a relationship, but he doesn’t want to hurt you more than this drawn-out and dead romance already has. he’d find himself sipping on some wine, reminiscing the time before the love had faded. he misses those days, but he couldn’t force himself to fall for you again.

ᯓ✿ XIAO

he swore to protect you, but his devotion only weighed more heavily on his psyche as time went by. what was once pure love and passion became hurt. it stung to meet your eye, even more so when you cleaned and bandaged the wounds he may have sustained in battle. he told himself it was to protect you from getting hurt, forcing himself to shut down his emotions and subsequently kill his love for you with his bare hands. playful banter was replaced with arguments in which so many hurtful things were hurled at each other. sometimes he really did look at you with pure hate in his eyes, regarding you as nothing more than a nuisance and hinderance to his job of protecting the people of liyue.

ᯓ✿ KAEDEHARA KAZUHA

the various things he had written for you would gather dust in his room, having gone to waste as his whirlwind romance ended silently. he realized he no longer loved you when you kissed him and he felt nothing. his heart had once fluttered whenever he was near you, but those butterflies in his stomach had simply fluttered away. he’d find himself wondering if it was love at all, choosing to categorize it as a temporary infatuation to justify his growing apathy towards you. he’s quite literally free as the wind, so it wouldn’t take much to simply leave. he’s not going to force himself to be with you when he feels nothing. the love had simply faded with no rhyme or reason.

ᯓ✿ SHIKANOIN HEIZOU

he’d spend more time at work when he realizes he’s fallen out of love. the excuse for avoiding you is that he’s just busy with work, when in reality he’s often just pacing around his office, figuring ways to break up with you painlessly. whenever he’d say he loves you, it was strained and forced, obvious that he didn’t mean it. he had loved you at one point, but his forcing himself to still be affectionate despite having fallen out of love with you is simply exhausting. it’s all he could do to avoid you and the way you hadn’t seemed to stop loving him. maybe he’d start seeing other people behind your back and fall for someone else the same way he had with you.

ᯓ✿ WANDERER

he’s the only one who’s blunt about it. he’d simply tell you that he doesn’t love you anymore with disgust in his eyes. he doesn’t have it in him to be nice, and you had known that when you started dating him. it took so long for him to open up to you and begin being affectionate, but it had simply faded and been replaced with distaste and words that sting when they come out of his mouth. he had never said he loved you, but he at least acted like it sometimes. nowadays, his affection was replaced by disgustingly blunt and mean comments that seem to be true. he had simply been betrayed too many times to truly love anyone again, and you were the prime example of a failed attempt to love.

[too-many-fandoms-tbh]

JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY

BRUCE WAYNE (BATMAN) SMUT

(bruce wayne/batman x fem!reader)

can be read as any batman, but he is described to be a partying bachelor in this

warnings: rough sex, p in v, unprotected sex, jealous sex, semi-public (private bathroom) sex, established relationship, slight toxic undertones?? aftercare

she knew it was for her protection, but god did y/n hate pretending not to know bruce in public. they'd attend events together, and she just had to stand there and watch every time as he flirted with all of the girls who approached him. sure, guys flirted with her all the time, but she never talked to them for more than a minute, and she'd always make sure not to lead them on. bruce didn't care; he had to keep up his "partying bachelor" status. she brought it up to him once, and he of course reassured her she was all he wanted, but that didn't mean it still didn't hurt.

currently, she was stood against a wall, arms crossed over her stomach as she glared at the girls whom were flocked around her boyfriend. she was wearing a long, bright red dress that hugged her curves tightly and had a deep v-neck. there was a slit going up her thigh, which exposed her silver heels and caused her to constantly adjust her dress in fear of exposing herself. the dress was so tight that she couldn't wear her normal safety-shorts without there being lines, so she'd been stressed about that all night.

"hey there," a voice said out of nowhere. she snapped her gaze away from bruce and immediately replaced her scowl with a polite smile as she turned to greet the man. "you look like you could use a refill."

she paused, eyes looking at the empty glass, provided by the event's servers, on the table next to her. she'd never seen the man in front of her before, but he was definitely handsome, with blonde hair and brown eyes. his tan hands both held glasses of champagne, one of which was being held out towards her. in fear of being impolite, she took the drink with nimble hands. she was a little worried that he might've done something to the drink, but with the amount of security the crowded event held, she supposed she was safe.

"thank you.." she prompted, eyes raised.

"frank." he said quickly, an awkward laugh. "frank campbell. and you are?"

"y/n l/n." she responded, taking a sip of the drink. it tasted the same as the ones she'd had before, and she cherished the flavor.

"what're you doing all the way over here?" he asked. "i'm sure you'd be a hit out there."

she nearly laughed at his attempts of flirting. "i'm just observing." she shrugged.

he turned to follow her gaze and his eyes landed on bruce, whom was still surrounded by women. "looking at wayne, huh? he's got all of the ladies here wrapped around his finger. i'm surprised you're not over there too, unless you have a boyfriend, of course."

how ironic.

"you sound jealous." she swirled the drink in her cup, looking up at him through her eyelashes. holy shit, she was flirting back, wasn't she?

"so what if i am?" he said boldly. "i think every man in this room is."

"and why is that?" she continued, taking another sip of her drink. as she did so, her eyes trailed over to bruce. she knew he'd look over at them eventually, he was protective like that, but now he was straight up staring at her. he looked upset, and for some reason, she was almost pleased with that result. maybe, just maybe, this would show him what it was like to be in her shoes. she winked at him once before turning her attention back to frank.

she nodded along as frank spoke, but honestly, she had tuned out on a lot of it as she was looking at bruce. when he finished talking, she had a good enough idea of what he said to respond.

"so what," she summarized with a slight smirk. if only he knew who he was talking to. "you think you could show a girl a better time than he could?"

"oh, i know i could."

"ah, i see." she set her almost-empty glass down and reached for her handbag off of the table. the small, designer bag was cute, but she hated the fact that it didn't have a strap. she was digging around in it, searching for her small tin of breath mints, when suddenly she knocked the bag over. it toppled to the ground, the contents spilling everywhere. she gasped, carefully falling to her knees in order to collect her things. frank squatted down too, doing his best to help. she could see the way his eyes landed on her cleavage before trailing down to the her thigh, where she was maybe an inch away from exposing the space between her thighs.

"sorry," she laughed awkwardly, suddenly a little uncomfortable under his gaze. his eyes never left her body as he handed her the occasional lipstick or bobby-pin from the floor. she thought she wanted this attention, in fact she'd been craving it all night, but she suddenly felt guilty as she realized what she was doing. apparently, she'd done a better job flirting than she'd thought she did, and now this man was looking at her as if he expected her to come home with him tonight. all whilst her boyfriend was watching.

speaking of bruce, she glanced up to see him staring directly at her, eyes narrowed. to make matters even worse, she and frank both reached for her phone at the same time, their hands connecting for a split second. she pulled away quickly, but frank was already making eye-contact with her, a blush on his face.

"that's everything," he said, finally looking at her face. he stood up, offering her a hand as well. despite the fact that she wanted to get up on her own, she took his hand, standing up as slowly as possible in order to keep her dress intact. the second his hand dropped hers, she was adjusting her dress again, wishing she'd worn the black dress that alfred suggested.

"oh, here," he said. she had no clue what he was doing, but suddenly, his hand was on her face. he brushed something off of her cheek and she stood there frozen. her eyes looked for bruce, and he was dismissing himself from the girls around him. he pulled out his phone as he walked, but she lost him in the crowds before she could see where he was headed. "you had a hair."

"thanks," she forced a smile. her phone buzzed in her purse, and after saying a quick apology to frank, she pulled it out. bruce's contact filled her screen, and her knees went weak as she read his text.

"Meet me in employee bathroom, two minutes. Down the stairs to your left. Don't be late."

"oh my god," she attempted to feign a dramatic gasp, but honestly, she didn't have to try that hard to fake being shocked because she genuinely was. bruce was very rarely that demanding, and if he was, it was only after a hard night out as batman. "i am so sorry, frank, but i have to go. business emergency."

"oh, no," frank seemed a little appalled at her sudden exit. "don't apologize. i hope everything is alright."

"yeah, thanks," she reached over for her glass of champagne and finished it with a long swig, ignoring his confused gaze. "it was lovely meeting you, really. i'll see you around, yeah?"

he seemed a little shocked, but she patted his shoulder once before grabbing her clutch and walking away. she walked as fast as she could in a restricting dress and heels, which, honestly, was quite slow. no one seemed to notice her as she snuck through the unlabeled doors and down the concrete stairs. she really hoped these were the correct stairs, because it took her nearly a minute to get down them without ripping her dress. immediately, a door labeled "family bathroom" appeared to her left, and in smaller letters it read "staff only".

she prayed that it was the right room when she knocked. as quick as lightning, bruce opened the door and pulled her inside. she fell against the door as he locked it behind her.

"well hello to you too," she sassed, ignoring how turned on she already was. if this was something serious and not sexual, then she was about to feel real stupid. "what's up?"

"i could ask you the same question." he said, voice barely controlled. "what's up with campbell over there?"

"oh, so you know him?" she inquired boldly. she could feel the alcohol in her veins, not enough to make her tipsy, but enough to make her words bolder.

"yeah, i do," he grumbled. "nice guy."

she laughed lightly. "that's surprising. he hates you."

"oh, does he?" bruce didn't seem phased. "and why is that?"

she pushed herself off of the door, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. "oh nothing much," she smirked up at him. "just thought he could fuck me better than you."

this caught bruce's attention and his eyes hardened. his large hands found place on her waist, pulling her closer.

"and would you let him?" his voice was raspy. he knew she wouldn't, they'd had that conversation before when they were actually being sincere, but he had to see what she'd say now.

"depends," she ran her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. "would you fuck handsy-pansy? i'm sure she thinks she's better than me."

"handsy" pansy was some blonde woman whom seemed to show up at every event, and each time she saw bruce, she'd fawn over him the whole time, laughing at everything he said and always touching him.

bruce pretended to think, watching as she scrunched her face up at him. she knew he was just doing it to get a rise out of her, and she planned to return the favor.

"maybe i'll go and talk to frank after all," she pulled away, pretending to reach for the door. "i'm sure he'd love to have me in his bed after all of this is over."

the next thing she knew, bruce grabbed her hand. he pulled her back, spinning her enough so that their chests collided and he could slam his lips against hers. the kiss was rough and passionate, and she found herself wrapping her hands around his neck to stay stable. his larger hands gripped her waist, slowly moving down to her ass with a harsh squeeze. she moaned in his mouth, arching her back against him.

"fuck you better than me, huh?" he growled, pulling away. he pulled her by her waist, shoving her towards the sink. her hands latched onto the counter and she could see bruce standing behind her in the mirror. she bit her lip as he grabbed the long dress, bunching it up at her waist, where it surprisingly stayed. she watched his breath catch in his throat when he realized she only had lace on underneath. he didn't say anything, simply palming her smooth ass before reaching between her legs. his calloused fingers slid over her soaked folds and she threw her head back, a bright blush on her face.

"you're already so wet," he commented, pulling away. he met her eyes in the mirror. "was all of this for him?"

"no," she shook her head quickly, going against any of her usual bratty instincts. "it's all for you, bruce."

"all for me, huh?" he repeated. as he spoke, she arched her back against him, attempting to grind herself against his thigh. his hands found place on her hips, and her actions were halted abruptly. his grip was rough, but not quite enough to be painful.

"i don't know," he tsked, making eye contact with her through the mirror. "you seemed pretty pleased with yourself out with campbell, acting like a slut, all whilst wearing the brand new dress i bought you."

"god," she whined, biting her lip. the way he was staring her down through the mirror, thumbs caressing her hips, was driving her crazy. "please, bruce! i'm yours, all yours."

"now you're begging?" he asked slyly, fingers moving down her hips and to her thighs, where he then stroked her skin softly. "so eager to be fucked like the slut you are, huh?"

"so what if i am?" she challenged, trying to slyly rub her thighs together. her actions didn't go unnoticed, and bruce roughly separated her legs. she nearly fell, leaning forward onto the sink.

"you beg me to go out more," he murmured under his breath. through the mirror, she could see him unbuckling his belt. "and this is the treatment i get. you want me to fuck you? fine, i'll fuck you. i'll fuck you so good the whole party will hear you, and campbell will know you're mine. that's what you wanted, right? for me to show you i care?"

his words were almost sappy, but his tone was the complete opposite.

"i've cared the whole time," his gruff voice continued. she heard the clink of his pants falling to his ankles. "it drove me crazy watching guys look you up and down, talking about you like you're their next meal."

he didn't give her time to respond, because he suddenly slid inside of her. she let out an airy moan, manicured fingers gripping the counter as she adjusted to the quick intrusion. the momentary pain was quickly being masked with pleasure as he leaned forward, craning his neck to place a soft kiss on shoulder. though the moment was tender, his voice was still a husky whisper in her ear. "god, if only they could see you now, see how you're all mine."

the next thing she knew, he was pounding into her like there was no tomorrow, snapping his hips against her so much that she felt her entire body bounce with each movement. she tried to make eye contact through the mirror, but she couldn't bear to keep her head up. a constant string of airy moans were leaving her mouth, and had she not been about to collapse, she would've brought a hand up to silence them.

"fuck, bruce.." she managed to sputter out. his pace was relentless; it seemed his hours of being batman really contributed to his stamina.

"what?" he practically growled from behind her. "you can't take it?"

"i can!" she cried out, head thrown back as she struggled to speak. "i-" her next sentence got cut off by a startled moan as one of bruce's hands left her hips and snaked around to pressure her clit.

she moaned out his name as he continued his assault, his finger now rubbing slowly against the bundle of nerves.

"fuck," he panted from behind her. "you gonna cum for me, yeah?"

she nodded, her body shaking in his arms. she wasn't sure how much longer she could take it before she collapsed onto the floor, but god did she love it.

"i need words, sweetheart." he said, his halting the actions of his fingers. he was still pumping into her, likely because he too was close, but she immediately whined at the loss of contact against her sensitive clit.

"yes!" she choked out, only to then moan again when he twiddled her clit between the pads of his calloused fingers.

it didn't take long before she could feel herself nearing an orgasm. biting her lip to prevent herself from screaming, y/n came roughly, legs shaking so hard she was scared her knees were going to buckle out from under her. she expected bruce to slow down, maybe give her a moment to recuperate, but his pace only quickened to a near impossible state. he was back to holding her hips with both hands, using his virtually painful grip on her body in order to pound into her even harder. she was shaking like a limp ragdoll in his arms, incoherent moans leaving her open mouth. she was even more sensitive than before, and she was sure anyone walking by would be able to hear her.

right when she was sure she'd get whiplash from being jerked around so much, not that she was complaining, she felt bruce let go inside of her, his liquid coating her insides. once he was finished, he slowed to a stop and slipped softly out of her. she almost immediately fell to the floor, but his now gentle grip was quick to grab onto her.

he spun her around to face him, supporting her weight with ease. he gave her an amused smile, and she couldn't help but just stare at him, her face still stuck in a fucked-out haze. her makeup was smeared, and there were many loose, frizzy hairs stuck to her face. she managed to pull her dress back down to cover herself, but it was full of wrinkles, and there was now a wet patch on the crotch.

bruce pulled her into his chest and leaned down to press a lasting kiss onto her lips. she brought her weak arms up to wrap around his neck, and he continued to hold onto her, now moving his hands up to her waist rather than her sensitive hips. the kiss was slow and soft, a large contrast to his actions only moments ago.

"what'd ya say we ditch this joint, yeah?" he said once he'd pulled away.

"but bruce.." she began to murmur, obviously still dazed.

"the gala can wait," he reassured. "i'm not needed there anyways. what matters to me is getting you home."

she frowned up at him, but it really didn't take long for her to give in. she hated to admit it, but with how rough he had been, there was some much-needed aftercare in store for her. and knowing bruce, he was going to make it his life's mission to make sure she is as comfortable as possible.

"alright.." she said eventually. she went to step out of his grasp, only for her legs to buckle under her weight on the first step. stifling a laugh, bruce scooped her into his arms bridal-style before she could even process what had happened.

"you still think he could fuck you better than me?" he teased as he pushed open the door. all she could do was giggle in response, resting her head on his shoulder as he carried her down the corridor and into their waiting car. as she'd suspected, she was showered in warm baths, cozy cuddles, and her favorite snacks for the rest of the evening, and though she was definitely sore, there was not a single ounce of regret in her mind.

[alphajocklover]

What about a story about a sweet, kind 30something gay college English professor who wishes to get closer to his students so he wishes to be more like them. Only he turns into the worst version of himself. His turned into this younger, dumber toxic straight bro. A total docuhebag sleazebag or something. Instead of singing showtunes he's rattling off terrible jokes or rock n roll/rap songs.

Sam McGreen was a professor. A real, actual professor. He still couldn’t really wrap his head around it. It wasn’t that Sam thought that teaching was beneath him or anything, he had never really seen himself as the teaching type. Despite being a fairly successful writer whose murder mystery series had gained him a cult following, he was terribly shy when it came to public speaking. It was why he always avoided writers panels and interviews, which had sadly only increased the amount of speaking offers he got. People loved the ‘mysterious recluse’ persona he had accidentally created, and everyone wanted to be the first to get the inside scoop. Sam wouldn’t have even thought about taking the job offer to become a professor if he didn’t desperately need money. He had come down with a horrible case of writer's block, so the writing of his next book had unfortunately come to a halt, and even with the sales and royalties he got from the books he had already written, it wasn’t going to be enough to pay for the wedding. Sam had recently gotten engaged to his longtime boyfriend Micheal, and the wedding that had planned was looking… expensive. They had tried to keep it small, but both had romantic hearts and expensive taste, so it ended up getting out of hand. So, desperate for a more steady cash flow, Sam had accepted the offer to teach. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He knew he was going to fuck this up. But… maybe he was overreacting? It wasn’t like he was teaching kindergarten. These were college students, mature adults who paid to be there. Surely they wouldn’t be that bad, right?

It took less than 5 minutes for Sam to realize how horribly wrong he was. These people were savages! He knew the school had a bit of a reputation as a ‘party school’, but he hadn’t expected it to be this bad. No one in the class seemed to take anything he said seriously. The male students, who mostly seemed to be athletic jocks, were constantly telling crude jokes, laughing obnoxiously, flexing and harassing the few students who actually wanted to be there. The few female students who hadn’t left in disgust just giggled at the nearest jocks jokes vapidly and flirted with them. No one paid attention to a thing Sam said the entire class. Sam spent all of his first class stuttering over words, getting embarrassed by his own lack of experience, and being either ignored by or laughed at by his meathead students. By the end of the day Sam felt completely lost. Every class had been the same as his first, just as embarrassing and pathetic. Sam didn’t understand what he was doing wrong? At first he thought he had just got unlucky with his first class but as the day had progressed Sam started to wonder if something was wrong with him. It couldn’t be that all the classes were filled with bad students. Maybe he was overreacting. It was only his first day after all, but he couldn’t shake this feeling that he was messing this up. Maybe if he could understand these kids better he’d be able to teach better. He had gone to college himself, but he had spent most of his free time working on his first novel. He didn’t really get the same college experience that most people did, and now it was coming back to bite him in the ass. It was late when Sam left, having stayed late to work on his curriculum. As he walked through campus to his car, he looked up at the sky and saw a particularly bright star. He stared at it for a moment, fascinated. Without even meaning to, he wished on the star. He wished to understand his students better. As he did so his eyes stayed transfixed on the star, which grew brighter and brighter.

And, in a flash, everything was different.

Sam woke up slowly the next morning, his head pounding as he did. What the heck had happened last night? He felt like he had the worst hangover ever. He got up from his bed and stumbled over to the bathroom, splashing water in his face. As his headache began to diminish into a dull throb, Sam looked in the mirror, and felt his brain short circuit. Something was wrong. Really wrong. For some reason it took him a moment to notice but… he had completely changed.

The thirty year old author looked like he was in his early twenties again, and was suddenly in much better shape than he had been before, even in his actual twenties. His eyes trailed down his strong biceps and defined abs, both in fascination and shock. He wanted to yell for his fiancée, but instead he felt himself smirk without meaning to. Without even thinking about it he lifted up his biceps and flexed, reveling in his own body. Sam didn’t understand what was going on. It was like he couldn’t control his body. Someone else was in control now.

As the other Sam, who Sam and everyone else had dubbed Green, went about his day it became apparent that Sam had gotten his wish in the worst way possible. He now understood his students perfectly, because he was just like them. A cock, arrogant, toxic, straight jock. He understood what it was like to find classes taught by pathetic professors boring as shit. He understood how it felt to party with an entire frat full of manly bros. He understood what it felt like to fuck a pussy, not caring how the bitch felt and only caring about how great his cock felt. Sam now knew exactly what it felt like to be one of his students, and he hated it. He couldn’t stop himself though. He was trapped, slowly losing himself to the new identity. Eventually Sam would forget he was anyone but Green. He convinced himself Sam was all just some weird dream. Why would he want to be some dumbass author when he was a fucking college stud?

[stargirlinterludefr]

ENOUGH FOR YOU: former rafe cameron x reader, jj maybank x reader (part 2 of this)

Based off of the song enough for you by Olivia Rodrigo

Synopsis: All you ever wanted was to be enough for Rafe but you realise he could never accept that, someone else can love you the way you deserve though.

TW: mentions of a previous toxic relationship, mentions of drug usage (cocaine), emotional manipulation, angst, fluff, addiction, Rafe being a dick, JJ being his loving self, happy ending (for the reader.)

Word count: Around 3,400

Notes: I’m not as fond as this one but I promised part two and I shall deliver!

I wore makeup when we dated

'Cause I thought you'd like me more

If I looked like the other prom queens

I know that you loved before

The month after you’re split from Rafe was a blur, while you’d felt more freer than you had in over a year you still felt an overwhelming sense of guilt on your shoulders for a reason you couldn’t quite deduce.

However, falling back into stride with the pogues had made things one million times easier. They were like a warm blanket waiting for you after a long day, ready to wrap you up and protect you from the cold. The cold being Rafe.

None of them realised the deep extent to his manipulation of you, the way he’d twisted you into someone so unrecognisable and fragile had them feeling devastatingly remorseful.

Particular everyday instances is where Rafe really shines through in your actions, and the thought had JJ feeling nauseous.

Both you and the Maybank boy are sat on the dock at the Chateau, your legs dangling from the side of the wood as he watches you, his eyes catching onto the hints of makeup lingering on your skin.

“Why’re you wearin’ makeup, mama? It’s like fifty degrees out.” The boy states, his voice airy and joking but it makes your stomach drop slightly as you shrug.

“Force of habit, I guess.” You mumble with a small smile, bringing your knees to your chest as you lay your chin on them.

JJ ponders for a moment, quelling over his previous question and what he would say next to ensure he wouldn’t say the wrong thing. Before Rafe, you hardly wore makeup, you’d wear a small amount sure but it was rarely noticeable and JJ had always thought you looked so entrancing without it but when Rafe cooped you up in his little toxic nest…he doesn’t think he’s seen you go without.

“You know you don’t need it, right? You’re like, the most beautiful girl on the island.” He states, gently nudging your shoulder so you’d look at him “Don’t be tellin’ Kie I said that, she’ll be gettin’ all jealous.” The boy jokes and you give him a gentle smile to which he returns immediately.

Tried so hard to be everything that you liked

Just for you to say you're not the compliment type

One week into your breakup had you looking through old text messages, while you know you shouldn’t, something about looking upon the way Rafe treated you when you were no longer under his thumb gave you a entirely new perspective.

A specific chain of messages has you slowing your scrolling to intently read them.

You: *attached one image*

You: what do you think of this new dress I got?

You let out a scoff at the sight of the dress, mind whirring now at how kooky it looked fitted onto your figure.

Rafe: it’s a dress?

You: that’s it??

Rafe: idk what u expect i don’t do compliments babe

Letting out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding, you place your phone down and stare up at the ceiling of John B’s bedroom.

You remembered wearing that dress to a party the night after showing him it, feeling completely out of place, like a prized calf dressed up for auction.

And he’d still never complimented you, even when you looked like his picture perfect type.

And I knew how you took your coffee

And your favorite songs by heart

I read all of your self-help books

So you'd think that I was smart

Stupid, emotional, obsessive little me

I knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave

Officially going out into the outer banks after the breakup took additional encouragement from your friends, you’d been to and from homes but you’d not dared to venture into the town.

Somehow, Pope and Kiara had convinced you to accompany them to a cafe near figure eight as they had quote on quote ‘the best coffee on the island’

You hadn’t considered that you might run the risk of falling into old habits as soon as you walked through the doors.

“What’re you guys fancying?” Kiara quotes in a mock english accent, Pope rolling his eyes at the girl as you snort.

“I’m fancying the idea that you never do that again.” Pope quirks back, earning a frown from Kiara who sarcastically placed her hand to her chest.

“Come on guys, it’s on me.” She notes, looking up at the board of differing coffees as you reply.

“Uh, just a black coffee for me.” You say absentmindedly, swinging on your heels, both Pope and Kie’s heads turning to you making you laugh nervously.

“What? Have my tits fallen out or something? Why’re you looking at me like I just committed a hate crime?” You blurt, eyes darting between them both as Kiara’s face twists slightly.

“You hate black coffee.” She says, ensuring to pronunciation the word ‘hate.’

Pope nods in agreement before adding to her statement, “Yeah, I mean, John B and JJ gave you it as a joke once just after you’d woken up and you literally threw the mug at their heads.”

You look to the floor, picking on the skin of your arm slightly as you shrug and before you can even come up with a lie to explain why you’d had a change of heart toward the drink Kiara speaks up again.

“It’s not you that likes it, is it? It’s Rafe.” You don’t notice the way she and Pope lock eyes, a look of pure anger washing over the Heyward boys face.

You feel stupid, stood there ordering Rafe’s order for yourself, if he were here he’d attempt to joke that you were obsessive and proceed to call you emotional when you had the reaction you were having now.

“Screw that asshole, we’re getting you a…Caramel Cappuccino!” She exclaims, linking her arm with yours as she looks up at the board, “And then we’re going to torch everything you still have of Rafe’s.”

You don’t bother to protest with her, a small grateful smile making its way to your lips.

You found someone more exciting

The next second, you were gone

And you left me there cryin', wonderin' what I did wrong

And you always say I'm never satisfied

But I don't think that's true

'Cause all I ever wanted was to be enough for you

And all I ever wanted was to be enough for you

Your phone is blowing up again, a loud groan sounding from beside you as you stare down at the device.

“Is that Rafe again?” JJ grumbled, gesturing for you to show him what Rafe is sending but you hand him your phone instead, the boy immediately begins to shake his head as he reads the chain of messages your ex has sent.

“Can the dude not get a hint?” He mutters, eyes flicking to you as your head falls back onto the sofa.

You zone out for a few moments but your brought back by the sound of JJ’s loud scoff, he’d clearly been reading more of the end laugh gif messages Rafe loved to leave you daily.

“The fuck does he mean you’re never satisfied with what he gave you? That asshole never did shit apart from manipulate and-“ Before he can finish, you’re gently taking the phone from his hold and placing it beside you as you look back to him.

“And that’s what he’s still tryna do, Jay, he says I’m never satisfied but like did he see the amount of chicks he was flirting with at parties? And he has the audacity to say I’m never satisfied?” You ramble, letting out a scoff at the end as JJ stares at you intently and you wait for a moment, for him to interrupt…to tell you to stop yapping, to stop being annoying but he never does so you continue.

And maybe I'm just not as interesting

As the girls you had before

But God, you couldn't have cared less

About someone who loved you more

I'd say you broke my heart

But you broke much more than that

Now I don't want your sympathy

I just want myself back

Walking through figure eight without Rafe feels like an out of body experience for you, as though it wasn’t plausible to actually be without him around here.

Sarah, Cleo and Kiara walk alongside you. The four of you on a small venture to Sarah’s home to get some of her clothes as you’d planned an all girls sleepover at Kiara’s home, allowing the boys to run rampage at the Chateau.

Plus, the girls had been dying to do so ever since you’d officially rekindled with them.

What they didn’t want to do, was to put you through the trauma of seeing Rafe but you’d assured them you were fine going to Tannyhill as long as you were surrounded by them and Sarah had assured you that Rafe was out. He apparently hadn’t been home often since your split.

As you walk through the gate at the front of the mansion, you feel your body riddle itself with anxiety almost immediately making you swallow harshly.

“You okay, girl?” Cleo asks, grasping your hand in her own as Sarah and Kie come to a stop infront of you.

“Yeah I’m good, I just…” you trail off, eyes floating toward Sarah who smiles in understanding.

“You don’t have to come in, me and Kie can just run inside and grab a few things.” She says softly, eyes achingly kind and your mind whirrs back to the conversation you’d had outside of Tannyhill only a few months prior.

You shake you head, “It’s okay, I can just-“ You cut yourself off as your eyes trail upward and to the all too familiar balcony at the front of the mansion where your eyes catch onto a figure.

Rafe is watching the four of your intently, his eyes primarily on you as you freeze up once more with all three girls following your eyeline to spot the Cameron boy.

As expeceted, Sarah is immediately full of apologies.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise he’d be here.” She whispers quickly and you can’t bring yourself to respond, feeling like you’re deep rooted into your spot on the driveway.

Kiara eyes are furious as they look up at your ex, her fist clenching and unclenching as she cocks her head almost challenging him to even acknowledge you.

“That motherfucker better stay where he is or I’ll gut him like a fish.” Cleo states lowly, bringing herself to stand in front of you slightly as Rafe continues to stare.

You snap your gaze away from him, eyes flitting to Sarah who is looking at you with a mass amount of guilt.

“On second thought, I think I’ll stay out here.” You mumble, attempting to have a teasing tone but your voice comes out shaky and vulnerable causing you to curse yourself silently.

Rafe had basically turned you into a frightened child, trembling in her boots at just the sight of him.

“Okay, we’ll be right out.” She says softly, grabbing Kiara’s hand and running inside leaving Cleo to stand infront of you protectively.

“If he even dares to leave that house…” She grumbles, left hand now donning her iconic pocket knife she carried no matter where she went.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket and you slowly withdraw it, knowing exactly who’s messaged you as your eyes scan the text and then dart to where the man himself stands as you slowly hand Cleo the phone so she could read it herself.

“I don’t want your fucking sympathy!” You shout out, voice holding a slight tremble as you stare up at him in fury, your heart pounding wildly in your chest.

Rafe: I never meant for you to be afraid to be around me

Rafe: plz come in so we can talk.

Don't you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded?

Don't you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?

Five months after the split and you’d successfully avoided any interactions with Rafe, sure he’d been in close proximity to you but thanks to your friends he didn’t even get the opportunity to utter one single word to you.

Overcoming the small manipulations he’d implanted in your mind was a milestone you were incredibly proud of, coming to your own realisations at how fucked up he was toward you.

You’d observed over the months how he’d been with other women, well not seeing him with them personally but hearing about such notions from either Sarah or Rafe’s friends. You’d heard how easily he used and discarded them and you followed his distinct patterns to yourself.

While you knew he was with you for a significant period of time that didn’t mean he didn’t not use you, you were the picture perfect girlfriend to parade around to parties and to impress his father.

But he discarded you after every event, made you feel like a disappointment.

And he’d pushed you to believe you deserved nothing.

Despite that being a significant factor of your relationship you struggle to heal from, luckily, you have JJ.

JJ had always been obvious with his feelings toward you, he never bothered to hide them before you’d gotten with Rafe but he respected your decision when you did eventually get together with the Cameron boy and he ensured he was primarily your friend after the split.

But with months of pining and being there for you, and you for him, he’d laid his heart on a silver platter for you.

You didn’t realise you’d been falling for him but you weren’t going to deprive him or yourself of the happiness it would both serve to you.

And when you told him? JJ became the happiest man on the planet.

But don't tell me you're sorry, boy

Feel sorry for yourself

'Cause someday I'll be everything to somebody else

You and JJ had decided to take things slow, he didn’t want you to feel pressured or like he wasn’t valuing you by rushing into things (A notion which made you fall for the blonde haired boy even more.)

You’d been dating for around a month now, JJ not being able to wipe the cheesy grin off of his face whenever he was with you and you’d never felt happier.

The two of you were sat at the boneyard, tipsy off of beer and one another’s presence, as JJ holds you onto his chest.

What you had failed to notice, was Rafe making his way to stand before you and at the sight of him your stomach churns violently with nerves.

“So what? You’re fucking Maybank now?” He says loudly, voice hoarse and at the sight of the boy’s appearance you immediately feel sorry for him.

“Get lost Cameron.” JJ says boredly, not bothering to move from his position holding you as he glares up at Rafe.

“Look, I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry! But fucking Maybank is low, I didn’t realise you were so fucking trashy.” Rafe slurs but you don’t find yourself being hurt or even bothered by his words as you simply tilt your head at him.

“Yo! Watch your kook mouth when speaking to my girl!” JJ shouts, voice laced with fury as he goes to rise but you place a hand on his chest to settle him back into place as you snap your head to Rafe.

“I don’t give a shit about your apologies, Rafe, I don’t think it’s me you need to be sorry for.” You state, voice not tethering on anger as you lean into JJ showing your lack of interest toward the Cameron boy. “It’s yourself.”

And they'll think that I am so exciting

You’d heard from Sarah that Rafe had stopped doing cocaine, apparently he’d even gone to a rehab centre on the mainland and you acknowledged that you felt truly happy for him.

But honestly? You couldn’t bring yourself to dwell on the thought of him getting his shit together.

Sure, you cared, a part of you would always hold care for Rafe but you didn’t spend time thinking about the man or what could’ve been if he’d begun healing while you were together or even before.

It’d been 18 months since you’d split from Rafe and you never thought you’d know the happiness that you’d witnessed on John B and Sarah’s faces at that party.

You were wrong, obviously.

You’re walking down the pathway after finishing up work at the small cafe you’d landed a job at in figure eight, Sarah having gotten you the role as it was one of Rose’s friends who owned the business.

JJ was on his was to pick you up, having already told you he’d be slightly delayed as he’d promised to do a small delivery for Pope’s father and you’d assured him you were okay with waiting as he borderline refused to let you walk from figure eight to the cut. The journey being around an hour and he didn’t want his girl getting overheated.

You’re not paying attention as you walk, eyes trained on your phone as you message on the Pogues group chat and due to your distraction, you collide into a chest which leaves you grappling to grasp your phone before it falls.

“Oh my god, i’m so sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going.” You exclaim, blowing out a breath as you look at the person who you’d walked into and your eyes widen slightly at the sight.

Rafe.

Yet, he didn’t look like the Rafe you remembered.

The boy had shaved his head of hair away, now donning a buzz cut and the usual blown pupils that looked upon you in the past were now a normal sizing as he smiles down at you, nervously.

“It’s all good, y/n.” He says softly, not protesting when you take a step backward. “H-how have you been?”

You nod and shrug awkwardly at the same time, “Good, really good actually.”

Rafe smiles, “I’m glad to hear.”

“And you?” You ask, shoving your hands into your shorts that weren’t actually yours but JJ’s.

“I’m getting there, I’m uh three months clean now.” He notes and you feel yourself smile at the mention, not noticing the way his gaze seems to light up at the sight of your smile.

“That’s good, I’m happy for you.” You state, eyes genuine and sincere as you look up at him.

“I know it’s not my business but, how are you and Maybank doing? You guys still together?” He inquires and you want to snap at him for asking but you instead smile wider at the mention of JJ, happy you get to talk about your love.

“Yeah we are, we’ve actually just got our own place together.” You say softly, now fiddling with the promise ring JJ had given you which was placed perfectly on your right hand.

Rafe eyes watch your movements and while you don’t see the regret in his gaze, he feels it immensely.

The boy opens his mouth to respond but the sound of a motorbike whirring has the both of you turning to the source. At the sight of a familiar red bike drawing nearer, you grin.

“That’s Jay.” You mumble to yourself, turning back to Rafe as you smile at him once more, “It was good to see you, I’m real glad you’re doing better.” And while you know it sounds rushed, you can’t bring yourself to care as you turn away and walk down the pathway to where JJ had pulled up.

When you were with Rafe, you’d be expected to just hop onto the bike with no greeting as he’d impatiently tap his fingers on the handles. But JJ isn’t Rafe, not even close.

The blonde haired boy immediately stands off of his bike, propping it up and jogging toward you as he scoops you into his arms to spin you around causing you to squeal in delight.

Rafe watches the interaction, the pure bliss on your face similar to nothing he’d ever seen when the two of you were together and while he’d forever consider you to be the loss of his life he couldn’t find himself being bitter you’d found love with JJ.

Rafe didn’t treat you with the love or excitement you deserved but JJ does, and the Maybank boy will ensure he spends the duration of your lives together proving you deserve such happiness.

[withwritersblock]

imgonnagetyouback

~imgonnagetyouback by Taylor Swift~

Author's Note: requested! toxic as hell but so fun to write Summary: two times they broke up and got back together and one time they stayed apart Warnings: swearing, implied smut, toxic relationship Word Count: 4,283 Luke Hughes x fm!reader

One's first college romance can feel like dancing on top of clouds. The overwhelming amount of love, kisses, endless sleepless nights. Although, it can also feel like free falling with no parachute. Impossible and helpless.

She loved Luke like she’s never loved anyone before. He was the perfect person for her for so long. She has never felt so loved. She wanted nothing more than to never stop kissing his lips, tugging his hair, or feel his hands roam her frame. 

But maybe that’s all that kept them in love, the physical attraction. She no longer liked him as a person. He was cocky and full of himself, and would flirt with any tiny blonde that threw herself towards him. She hated it. 

She was slowly starting to hate him.

Which led to her standing in his dorm, letting the words slip from her lips. “God, Luke, it’s exhausting being with you!” she explained, her eyes filling with tears. Luke huffed as he rolled his eyes. 

“Do you think it’s easy being with you?” he offered, throwing his hands to the side. “You are so fucking needy! It’s exhausting! You wonder why I go out every weekend, it’s because I want to get away from you and your constant need for attention!” he spat. His eyes widened as he awkwardly ran his hand across his nose. 

He met her gaze, watching her eyes tear up. She clenched her jaw as her lip began to quiver. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry I’m tired from practice-”

“Don’t try and take it back! You meant every fucking word,” she said slowly as she scanned his features, he took steps towards her, breathing heavily. “We’re fucking done,” she expressed her eyes scanning his features, her eyes landed on his lips for a few seconds. Suddenly craving the taste of his lips. He lowered his gaze towards her lips as well, leaning towards her.

She pulled his t-shirt from her frame, leaving her standing in her bra. His eyes widened as his gaze lowered to her frame. Admiring the lilac lace bra, desperately wanting to unclasp it from her frame. A reluctant smirk formed onto his lips

She slammed the t-shirt against his chest as she turned to leave the small dorm room. He stumbled back.  “Where are you going?” he gripped the shirt tightly as he took a step towards her. 

“Back to my room,” she uttered as if it was obvious. He shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“What? No? Not like that?!” he countered as he held the t-shirt towards her. “Just put this back on,” he let out.

“I am fine like this,” she spat out as she took a step away from him again. 

“Y/N don’t be like that,” he mumbled, dangling the shirt towards her once more. She spun around meeting his desperate gaze. Squinting her eyes slightly, her eyes lowered towards the small pout on his lips. “Y/N, please,” he pleated. She clenched her jaw, glancing back down towards the t-shirt for a brief second before she took a hold of the door knob, swinging the door open. 

She walked out of the room, sauntering slowly, not caring if anyone spots her. She’ll admit it, she looked good. It was her favorite bra and it made her chest look out of this world. “Y/N!” he called out, peeking his head into the hallway. 

“I live four doors down, Luke, relax!” she shouted as she flipped him off. He chuckled dryly as he watched her walk away. He loved watching her walk away, the sway of her hips. He clenched his jaw as he leaned his head on the door frame. Biting his bottom lip, he watched her turn towards her door and push the door open stepping inside. 

Luke took in a deep breath as he reluctantly stepped back into the door, letting the door slowly shut behind him. He stared at the shirt in his hands, her radiant perfume illuminated the room. She always smelled so good, like vanilla and sandalwood. Not that he knew what sandalwood exactly smelled like but he knew that was the perfume she always wore.

He pulled the shirt open, staring at the Devils logo on the front. He swallowed hard as he tossed it onto the floor. He pulled his phone from his pocket, quickly dialing Jacob. He brought his phone to his ear. Jacob answered on the fourth ring, “Hughesy,” he let out simply.

“I need to go out tonight, you and the boys wanna join me?” Luke let out as he let out a long huff of air.

“What’s so urgent? I mean we’re always down to go,” he let out, shouting towards someone in the background. 

Luke clenched his jaw as he looked towards the ceiling. “Y/N and I broke up. I need to be drunk somewhere,” he let out. Jacob gasped slightly.

“Dude, are you alright?” Jacob asked suddenly. 

“Yeah, it was coming sooner than later,” he explained while he slowly sat down onto his bed. His eyes staring towards the t-shirt on the floor, his eyes filling with tears. “Yeah, alright, out by nine?” he asked, Jacob hummed before Luke ended the call. He dropped his phone beside him on the bed. He slowly laid onto his back staring towards the ceiling. He blinked away the tears as he repeatedly clenched his jaw.

~~~

He sat at the bar, his hair covered in a backwards hat. His frame was covered in a short sleeve plain black t-shirt and dark wash jeans. It was practically the same outfit he would always wear when he went to the bars. He was smiling at something Dylan had said but he didn’t quite hear it as the bartender handed him another beer. 

It was probably the fifth one he had alongside the shot of vodka waiting for him to take. “Uh oh,” Jacob mumbled as he stared towards the entrance to the bar.

“What?” Luke asked as he brought the beer towards his lips, he shifted his gaze towards where all of the boys were looking. He froze as his eyes landed on Y/N. He slowly pulled the beer from his lips as he couldn’t help but scan her frame. 

The tiny, oh so tiny, lilac skirt on her frame. He’s never seen something so small on her frame before. His gaze slowly, so slowly up her frame, staring at the skin of her stomach, peeking out between the top of her skirt and the ends of her skin tight lace white top. His eyes landed on her exposed chest, he imagined himself trailing his fingertips along her skin. At once, his eyes landed on her lips, they were glossed with a clear glitter color. He slowly watched her lips curl up into a wide grin. He finally met her gaze, watching her smile falter slightly at the sight of him.

He shifted in his seat, leaning forward against the bar top. He clenched his jaw tightly as he stared towards the Bud Light label on his beer bottle. His cheeks were flushed red as he ran his hand across his thigh. 

“Damn breaking up with you did her right,” Jacob teased, nudging him. Luke shoved him slightly as he not so reluctantly looked back towards Y/N. Three guys were standing around her and her friends. Luke clenched his jaw as his eyes stared towards her thighs, her gorgeous legs he could worship for hours. 

How could he ever make her cry? How could he ever do such things other than make her feel good. He took a deep breath as he slowly met her gaze. She smirked as she walked towards the opposite end of the bar, to order from the other bartender.

He took a hold of the small glass, pulling it towards his lips. He threw the shot back quickly, barely cringing at the taste. He rested the shot glass face down before he looked back towards Y/N. She was leaning against the bartop, her skirt barely covering the curve of her ass, he was safe to say in deep trouble. “Fuck,” he muttered as he clenched his jaw. He needed to speak with her. 

He stood up from his stool, chugging the rest of his beer. “She’s-” he mumbled as he battled on walking towards her or towards the bathroom to clear his head. He stood a foot away from his boys who were all staring towards him fighting laughter. He bit his bottom lip as he choked out, “She’s gonna be the death of me,” Luke mumbled as he wandered towards the other side of the bar. The boys began to wolf whistle. 

Luke flipped them off as he walked through the crowded bar. She was still leaning against the bar, practically bending over. He walked up behind her, pressing himself against her ass as he leaned towards her. She quickly spun away, ready to scold the random man but shocked to see Luke behind her. She leaned her back against the bartop as Luke quickly placed his hand on the counter, holding her in place. 

“Luke,” she let out breathlessly while she stared at his lips.

He leaned towards her, brushing his lips against hers, “You’re impossible,” he mumbled as he urgently pressed his lips against hers. Sweeping his tongue against hers as he pressed more of himself against her. A moan caught in her throat as she pressed her hands against his chest, shoving him back.

She stood breathing heavily as she watched him slowly open his eyes. She clenched her jaw as she took a hold of his arm, freeing herself from his hold. “We can’t,” she mumbled while she began to walk away from him. He quickly grabbed her waist, pulling her back against his chest. He brushed a few pieces of hair away from her neck. He delicately pressed his lips against her skin.

“Who says we can’t,” he brushed his lips against her ear. She tilted her head back against his shoulder, breathless. “Come home with me,” he whispered before he kissed her jawline. 

“I just got here,” she let out breathily. He smiled softly before he ran his hand across the exposed skin of her stomach.

“Then I can wait,” he pressed his lips against her skin once again, “But you come sit with me and the boys, none of this,” he whispered as he guided her towards the end of the bar with his teammates. He shamelessly ran his hands across her hips, feeling the lilac fabric bunch slightly in his hands. 

“What’s this about?” Rutger asked with a knowing grin. 

“Shut up,” Luke said as he sat down on the stool, pulling Y/N down onto his lap. His hands grazed across the top of her thighs. Y/N smiled shyly towards the boys as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

~Two months later~

She slammed the door shut as she continued walking through the lobby of the dorm building that they shared. “Do not do this here!” Luke let out in a hushed voice, glancing towards the receptionist who was trying to ignore the obvious conflict. She walked past the elevator towards the stairs down the hall. “Y/N!” 

She spun around and met his gaze, she was furious. “You begged for me back! You were on your knees begging for me to come back to you!” she let out harshly. A girl left the stairwell, her eyes widened as she quickly walked past them. He clenched his jaw as he glanced towards the floor. “How could you do this to me?” she let out, a sob leaving her throat as she began to climb the stairwell. They lived on the eighth floor but she couldn’t wait for the elevator, or stew in anger with him. 

“I didn’t do anything!” he barked out as he chased after her. She laughed dryly as she stopped at one of the landings. 

“You kissed her! You fucking kissed her! You are fucking joking right?!” She met his gaze, she watched as his lips quivered as he clenched his jaw. 

“She kissed me!” he shouted back. She shook her head as she started storming up the steps again while she let out a sob. “She did! I stopped it, alright, I stopped it!” he called out after her, he quickly took a hold of her waist, stopping her in her tracks. She shoved him away from her.

“Your hands were on her waist, Luke! Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn’t want to kiss her!?” she scanned his pleating gaze. A sob left her throat as she tilted her head back, “Please leave me alone,” she mumbled before she jogged up the steps away from him. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I didn’t want to kiss her, I’m sorry,” he expressed as he continued to follow after her. 

“Leave me alone,” she let out as she continued up the steps. Luke stopped short, in the middle of the steps. He gripped the railing as he clenched his jaw. He tilted his head back, smacking his head against the wall delicately. 

She continued up the steps sobbing as she finally reached her floor. She pulled the door open, spotting a friend of Luke’s enter the stairwell. She shook her head as she continued down the hall. 

Luke remained in the stairwell, staring blankly in front of him, breathing heavily. Dylan reached the landing, Luke was standing on. Luke cursed to himself as he met Dylan’s gaze for only a moment. He dropped his head. “Dude?” Dylan let out. Luke let out a huff of air as he lifted his gaze. His eyes were full of tears.

“I really fucked up this time, I really-” he stopped short as he shook his head. Dylan frowned as he hugged Luke. It wasn’t something they usually did outside of the ice but he could tell his friend needed comfort. Needed a friend. Luke reluctantly let out a sob before he pulled away. “This girl kissed me and I didn’t pull away,” he let out shaking his head, “God why didn’t I fucking pull away?” he muttered.

“I love her, Duker, I mean I really love her. Why do I fuck everything up?” he questioned before leaving Dylan alone on the landing as he walked down the steps alone.

“Where are you going?” Dylan asked. 

“I need to go somewhere,” he muttered as he wiped his hand across his eyes. He climbed down the steps as fast as he could. He has never been so angry with himself. The first time, he could mend things. It was easy, it was a horrible thing he had said but she forgave him. But this? This was close to impossible to forgive and he knew that. 

As soon as he hit the fresh air, he suddenly felt his chest tighten as he shut his eyes. He visioned Y/N laughing and smiling widely. It was quickly replaced by her tear streamed face that he caused. He walked as far away from the dorm building as he could. He needed to find a way to win her back. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, but he was convinced it was possible.

~two weeks later~ 

She had been avoiding his calls for the full two weeks. She could not go down the slippery slope that was Luke Hughes. Though, each night she went to bed wishing he was holding her and each morning she wished he was kissing her neck to wake her. 

She knows that he didn’t intentionally cheat on her, she knows. But she still felt betrayed and broken. She wanted to know why he didn’t pull away, why did he kiss the girl back?

She has gone to her classes and she has gone straight back to her room, in every way to avoid Luke. She wanted to avoid the desperate feeling of wanting him back, wanting him to kiss her lips. She hated how much she needed him. 

She wiped the tear that fell on her face as there was a loud knock on her door. She sighed frustratingly, knowing it was her roommate. Her roommate has forgotten her keys a mere four times in the last three days. Y/N stood up from her bed and walked towards the door, swinging it open.

“How many times do I have-” she stopped short as Luke was the one standing outside of her room instead of her roommate. His hair was messy as if he had just woken up, he was very pale. The bags under his eyes were dark. She stared into his eyes, watching his eyes water slightly. She took a shaky breath before she began to close the door.

“No-no, please-” he begged as he held his head against the door; keeping it open. She clenched her jaw as she kept her gaze on his. “Can we start over? I know you can’t forgive me, I can’t forgive myself but I can’t stop thinking about you,” he delicately found himself pushing into her room. 

“I know I'm an awful person and I have been an awful boyfriend to you and you deserve so much better than I have been able to give you,” he mumbled while he took a hold of her cheeks, rubbing his thumb across her hot skin. “Please let me be better, give me another chance,” he muttered. She shut her eyes as she shook her head softly. 

He glided his hands away from her face, he took a loose hold of her shoulders as he glided his hands from her shoulder down the length of her arms, “I’m so in love with you,” he whispered as he pressed his lips against her jawline, her whole body tightened. She tried to hate the touch but she desperately missed it.

He slowly got down onto his knees, gliding his hands along her frame. Her body was thinly covered with a tanktop and shorts. Goosebumps rose on her skin as she began to be breathless. His hands grazed over her sides as his lips delicately pressed the small exposed skin above her belly button. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled again as he looked up towards her as his hands lowered from her waist, down to her thighs. God, he missed her thighs.

“Luke,” she let out breathlessly as he pressed a wet kiss to her skin. She ran her fingers through his messy curls as he looked up towards her. “You make it so hard to love you,” she choked out as her lips quivered. He slowly stood up, his hands grazing her skin the same way he did moments prior. She softened the longer his familiar fingertips glided along her skin in a slow seductive touch. 

His face was a mere inch away from hers, their noses delicately bumping into one another. “Why do you do this?” she mumbled as she ran her hand along the base of his neck, “Why can’t you leave me alone?” she let out as she leaned towards him, brushing her lips against his. He smirked as he met her gaze for a mere second. 

“Because you’re intoxicating,” he said as he breathed in deeply before he leaned towards her, kissing her urgently. She returned the kiss with the same amount of passion. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she eagerly jumped into his arms. He took a tight grasp of her thighs as he guided her towards the small dorm bed. He delicately placed her onto the bed as he climbed on top of her, steadying himself. He took a hold of her thigh, holding it tightly. 

She began tugging at the t-shirt covering his frame, desperate for him to be closer. It had been far too long since she was that close to him. He pulled away from her lips for only a moment before he tugged the shirt from his frame, tossing it to the floor. 

“So,” he whispered, breathlessly. She arched her back as she tugged the tank top from her frame, revealing a white lace bra. One of his favorites. His eyes instantly fell to her chest, lost for words. Lost for words like he was every time he saw her like this. She was beautiful, she was everything he’s ever wanted. 

“I can’t do this again,” she whispered as she tugged at the ends of his hair, “If you hurt me again, I can’t keep doing this,” she muttered. He ran his hand up her thigh as he held it up against his side. “We’re done if you mess up again, you got it?” she whispered. He nodded so urgently before he planted his lips against her collarbone, he began sucking on the skin as he trailed wet kisses into her cleavage. 

~A year later~

She snuggled against his chest as he stared blankly towards the ceiling, “Baby, what’s wrong?” she asked as she delicately pressed her lips against his chest. She lifted her head to look down towards his. He let out a long drawn out breath as he scanned her features. He slowly ran his hand up her back, running his hand through her hair for a few seconds before he glided his hand back down.

“I promised you that I would not mess up again,” he let out, his voice cracking as he met her gaze. His eyes softened. She pouted as she furrowed her eyebrows harshly. She ran her hand across his chest as she looked over his saddened features. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked again as she leaned towards him, delicately pressing her lips against his. 

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s the exact opposite,” he mumbled as he continued to glid his hand up her back. She glided her hand across his cheek as she leaned down and kissed him once more. He took a shaky breath, “I’m signing with the Devils, I leave in two days,” he pressed his lips together. 

She smiled widely, a small giggle left her lips. She leaned towards him, kissing him urgently.

“This is amazing! Luke, why aren’t you more excited!?” she let out as she sat up, covering her frame with the blanket. “We have to go celebrate!” she began to climb out of the bed, quickly covering her frame with her bra and underwear. 

“Y/N, he mumbled as he sat up, “It is exciting,” he muttered out. 

“We can go to the bar or we can go to Darby’s or-”

“Y/N,” he let out as he stood up from the bed covering his frame. She was wandering his room, collecting herself her old outfit she had on earlier in that day.

“I mean we don’t have to go out to dinner but we have to do something-”

“Y/N, baby, please,” he uttered. She spun around as she covered her frame with a t-shirt. She met his saddened gaze. Her smile slowly faltered from her lips. 

“Oh,” she mumbled. He took a deep breath as he watched her eyes slowly darken as she squinted hard. “You said that you didn’t want to mess up again,” she paused, “You getting the call doesn’t mean you messed up. This is great news,” she mumbled as she stepped towards him. 

He clenched his jaw as he dropped his gaze towards the floor. She took in a shaky breath as she scanned his features. He ran his hand across his nose as he avoided her gaze. “So what, you get your NHL contract and we have to break up?” she let out, nearly laughing at the words. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, I need you to realize that this isn’t going to be easy,” he let out walking around the bed towards her. She crossed her arms over her chest.

“When has anything in our relationship been easy?” she let out while chuckling nervously. “I mean-”

“Y/N, do you really think we can last long distance?” he choked out. He sniffled as he delicately rested his hands onto her waist. “I’m in love with you but I know you don’t trust me,” he let out. She rolled her eyes as she shook her head.

“I do trust you, Luke, I do,” she mumbled as she rested her hands onto his shoulders. 

“I’ve given you plenty of reasons not to, I know that. I know that this will break us,” he let out as a tear fell onto his cheek. “I don’t want this to end with you hating me,” he ran his thumb along her hip. 

“How do you know that will happen?” she asked as she scanned his features. 

“I don’t, but I would rather remember us lying in that bed, cuddling and happy. I don’t want to remember you crying over the phone because I messed up because it's only a matter of time before I mess up again,” he explained as he tightened his grip along her hips. “Please let’s just remember us happy,”

Her lips quivered as she scanned his urgent features. He didn’t want to end things, he wanted to be in love with her. He needed her, he needed her like he needed air. “I don’t want to lose you,” she mumbled as she stepped closer to him. 

“I don’t want to lose you either,” he mumbled as he urgently kissed her lips for only a brief second, “But-”

“I know,” she let out breathlessly. She met his gaze, nodding slightly. He kissed her lips, hungrily running his hands along her frame, sensually; perhaps for the last time.