#which is the reason i havent been working

[justicecaballer]

ive been having trouble getting out of bed lately.

its not that i cant, really, its just that i dont see the point. this morning i had the thought "i dont have a reason to get out of bed," and then qualified it with, "but im not, like, sad, i just dont have any morning obligations." however as the day went on and i felt the frustration of aimlessness mounting, the thought turned into "i dont have anything to live for," which sounds like a much more dire statement.

im Fine, or fine enough, but. i havent had any work projects in a while and all my personal projects arent sticking. there isnt really much to do Out in the world that doesnt come with the pressure of spending money, and i dont have anybody local to hang out with. despite throwing myself into various activities i feel like im hitting a plateau, and all that i have to do with my time is look at screens. (it doesnt help that since switching vocal instructors i feel like i havent been making Any progress — she's a very nice lady but her teaching "style" if it even exists doesnt do anything for me, among other things.)

ive been applying to jobs but: im most qualified for design work, and that is what my portfolio is geared towards, and I Hate Design. my portfolio sucks which puts me in a cycle of applying to things i have no interest in but cant seem to claw myself out of. i need to overhaul it, or make another one, but every time i try its overwhelming!!!!!!!!!! all my shint sucks. i dont have the focus to sink my teeth into all the moving parts.

idk im just really chasing my own tail here and its super frustrating

[solcarow]

seafood trio portraits !

+ some alts. with spoilers !

[keirientez]

aug - early sep log

[spearxwind]

been thinking about for a long time how i really missing doing creative projects with others but at the same time its always blown up in my face so i think im not going to do it anymore

[lacnunga]

In the wake of the IA situation, I've seen a lot more posts circulating about using your local library and I just. Sigh

[puke-ur-gutz]

today is a day to lay in the middle of the floor and use my phone to pretend there is nothing wrong or scary going on in my brain

[melto]

i had a good time with my friend this past week but God i cannot wait to see my other friends. i miss them i feel crazzzyy!!!

[ourstarscollided]

You’re welcome to explain your answer in the tags!

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.

I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.

Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?

[princessmyriad]

.

[triglycercule]

guys i havent written since may (for killer's birthday) but stupid silly swapinverse has been on my mind for a little bit and i threw together this silly (he has a panic attack and throws up) little short draft 4 swapinverse horror!!

-

“hah… ah… oh god… no, no, nonono…”

he ran. sprinted through the forest like a frightened deer, his demeanor that of prey, although his previous actions aligned more of a predator. panting and shaking, his mind cycled through countless variations of how to react to what just happened, what he just did.

how should he react? how could he react? it was impossible to tell for him in the panicked state. and as the trees in snowdin slowly began to surround him (but weren't they always doing that?), paranoia couldn't run anymore. he was surrounded, he was blocked off, he couldn't escape. not from horrortale, not from snowdin, not from the dusty graveyard he had just left it, and not from the blood smeared across his mouth.

“no, i- what did, what did i do? paps, snowdin, even-undick, no, it-”

paranoia’s incoherent rambles brought his hands to wander across his face, tugging at the massive hole in his skull spanning majority of the left side of his head. picking at the chipped bone didn't help, it never did, but a nervous habit was unbreakable, and he was more than nervous in this moment. in fact, quite terrified. everything was terrifying. he was terrifying. and as the slightest hint of red blood touched his sleeve, the once red, now magenta eye quickly locked onto it, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

“fuck- oh god, no, aliza-!”

falling to his knees, a disgustingly gorey mess of red, pink, and black spilled from his mouth. sounds of retching and hurling were all that filled the empty forest, and paranoia couldn't bear to look down and see the mess he’d made. the mess he’s caused. wasted food, he would've said. but that statement normally only applied to others. he never imagined using it on himself. choking on his spit and certainly not his blood, tears fell from his eye, joining the vomit and blood seeping into the snow. strange. paranoia didn't think he had enough magic to even shed tears anymore. just for the bare necessities. he managed to surprise even himself, after all this time.

but could it be could be considered surprise, or rather terror? he fit up to his name, certainly horrified at his own actions. forcing out as much of the grossness he could that he’d just consumed, paranoia couldn't help but look down at what he’d done.

red. a lot of red. too much red. he’d never been queasy before, never. he had to adapt to it, being the one to hunt down humans that ran or sneak up on those when times got desperate. there was no time or need to be queasy at what he even considered his job before. a duty he had to do.

but now, there was too much red. far too much red. and he didn't know why, although he totally knew, but paranoia couldn't stomach it. he just threw his guts out (shouldn't they be aliza’s guts, or no?), and here he was, wanting to throw up until his SOUL shattered. his SOUL cycled through those strange 4 shapes, unsure of which to settle on. he couldn't blame it. paranoia himself was unsure of what was even going on anymore. he wanted to run, but was frozen. he wanted to scream, but didn't know who at.

everything was contradicting. everything was going on, and not enough was given for paranoia to understand how to deal with it. and with a muttered curse, he flopped on his side onto the somehow dry snow, losing consciousness in the haze of fear now intermingled with his SOUL.

-

ik theres probably grammar mistakes i wrote this on my phone,,,, but like idk. had idea for a little moment in paranoia's lore and i sure as hell didn't wanna draw it so i wrote it as an easier media! god this is so much easier compared to drawing idk why i dont do this more often (because youre lazy silly!) anyways swapinverse silly i love swapinverse. i've only thrown up like never so i dont know if this works. also never had a panic attack (i think) and AGAIN i dont know if this is accurate but whatever i dont write to be good i write for expressing my ideas. like everything i do

[sodrippy]

if i was in olden england, the way ive gotten more migraines in the ten days ive been here than in six months back in mtl would be grounds to send me to the seaside for my health and humours

[halfdeadwallfly]

me: hey, i feel like someone's standing on my chest, and walking rn is making me winded

my mom:

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[lee-jinkis-ponytail]

my unpopular(?) music opinion is that being a skilled, professional singer isn't just about being loud and belting out a few high notes

[painfully-unoriginal]

I have a legal question but idk who to ask so I'm posing it to the general public:

Its illegal to clock out and continue working right? If something like that were to be reported, would the employer or the employees get in trouble for it?