#therapists arent kidding when they say you cant do this forever which personally i think is evil and fucked up and unfair

[vampmilf]

can we catch a break. can we catch a fucking break.

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[ronyxfic]

Educating the Victim - Act V, Chapter XXXVI

Pairing: -

Rating: Mature

Warnings/Tags: none for this chapter

Read it on AO3!

Educating the Victim Masterpost

(Previous chapter) (Next chapter)

CHAPTER 36: Bailing

 The aftermath of what would later become known only as “The Heist” kept Amethyst up for the better part of the night. The events kept replaying in her head with a mixture of pride, shame and triumph, and Aurora and Blue had gone to sleep – which left very little for Amethyst to do.

Around four in the morning, she got the brilliant idea to text Pearl. Pearl was probably asleep too, so she wouldn’t get an answer til the morning – but at least she wouldn’t have to wait.

yo pearl guess what we did!! it was so cool ill have to tell you all about it when you wake up.

   And yet... Pearl replied almost instantly. Oh, hey I’m awake. What’s up? :o

 Amethyst frowned. didnt expect you to be up! u ok?

  Kinda? Can’t sleep. But tell me about the thing you did. You seem excited.

  oh yeah! we broke into the school. you didnt hear that from me, though, we never did that. but also yes we totally did and it was awesome!

  Oh my goodness. Amethyst! That’s so dangerous. You two could have been arrested!!!!!

A few seconds later, there was another reply. What did you do at the school?

  just some fun stuff. youll see when we get back tomorrow!! big d’s gonna have a heart attack :D

  Jesus. Well. Sit tight just in case the police do find you. You should go to sleep soon though.

  cant sleep. how about you? why arent you asleep?

  Like I said. Can’t sleep. Just been thinking about something I might do soon. Tomorrow, if itll upset our common enemy.

  oh? that sounds interesting, wanna talk about it?

 It took a few moments for Pearl to reply.

Okay, well... I guess I’m about to really... really embarass myself. I’ve been thinking about Rose a lot at therapy and I’ve kind of had to come to terms with the fact that I did something kind of awful. And then excused it by saying I was ‘defending’ people. I don’t think Rose is a predator.

 well thats a change of direction, Amy texted back. Then hesitated, and added, a good one, tho. so what are you gonna do?

 You’ll find out tomorrow ;p, Pearl replied. But for real. I’ve managed to talk to my therapist about it and she’s been really helpful about it. I’ll show you tomorrow. But... thanks for at least talking to me about it. I was a little uncertain before but I think writing it down helped to cement that its something I should do.

 --

 The Principal’s office was in ruins; papers missing or destroyed, her computer in pieces on the floor, and that... abhorrent graffiti on her wall.

And in the middle, wearing a stony mask that hid just how close she was to tears, Marigold Diamond tried to make sense of it all.

Aurora had come in this morning, offering her sympathies and playing up the shock of seeing Diamond’s office in this state. Marigold tried to convince herself that Aurora had nothing to do with it. She didn’t, Marigold just thought she’d seen her face because... because Marigold was a weak, sentimental sinner and could not let go.

Aurora had nothing to do with it, she was sure.

And yet she didn’t miss that Aurora didn’t even ask if she could help. No trace of that sweet, diligent girl remained. It added to the hurt and confusion.

She already knew she’d get nothing done today. If she was lucky, she’d tidy up a little bit.

 Pearl had arrived about an hour early that day, letter in hand. She made her way up from reception, every step towards the principal's office feeling heavier than the last.

By the time she came to Aurora's cubicle, she already felt drained enough to go home. Of course, she vetoed the thought.

It was time to do the right thing.

"Hi Rori. Amy said you had a nice party last night. You guys must be tired."

   “Oh, I’m just fine. It was a good evening, though.” Aurora smiled at her innocently. “How can I help you?”

 "Is the Principal available to talk?" Pearl forced a nervous smile. Perhaps she could just hand the letter over and escape the fallout of the impact.

 “Probably. She’s definitely there. You might have to talk to her out here, though, her office is a bit of a mess. Surely you heard what happened? A breakin. Disastrous. She’s absolutely distraught. You didn’t hear it from me.”

 "What... a shame." Pearl swallowed and then gave a nod, and with a wink began to walk towards Marigold's door. "I hope they catch the ones responsible for it soon."

She knocked, her heart thundering. "Principal Diamond?"

 A few heavy steps could be heard from the other side. The door opened.

Principal Diamond stood behind it, frowning, visibly in a bad mood.

“Pearl,” she said icily. “What is it?”

 "I, uh. Have something." Pearl waved the letter and handed it over. "I'll be going. Bye!"

 “Not so fast.” Marigold stepped outside and closed the door behind her. “You’ll stay until I’ve read this.”

   "Are you sure? I mean, I have classes... I really should be going."

 “Unless something has drastically changed without me noticing, classes don’t start for another...” Marigold checked her wrist watch. “Forty-five minutes, at least. Now take a seat.”

 Pearl gave a gentle look upon Aurora, as if it were her last, before sitting down next to the office. "I guess this is how I die," she murmured.

 Marigold frowned at Pearl for a long moment before drawing her attention back to the letter Pearl had given her.

She started to read.

“‘I hereby redact any and all statements that I have ever made concerning my relationship with a certain member of staff, the currently suspended Rose Quartz. I was suffering from a mental breakdown when I made those allegations and I would like to assure you that none of them are true. With this in mind, I would kindly ask that you drop all proceedings against the aforementioned Ms Quartz and restore her to her position. Sincerely, Pearl Morgan.’”

 Pearl laughed nervously. "Hah, um, the second letter is that from my psychologist. It, uh, it should function as an official doctor's note to further support the letter."

 Diamond looked up, a thunderstorm brewing fast behind her eyes. “I don’t believe you,” she snapped. “You’re lying to appease your own guilt over what you did. Well, guess what. It won’t work. This letter, this note, it means nothing to me, and I will certainly not drop anything. Quartz remains suspended. Now get out of my sight before I suspend you too.”

 Pearl wanted to leave. Her fingers twitched and her gaze never left the ground. "Then I'll just have to get my psychiatrist to write another one. And another one. That's legal evidence you're choosing to shove aside because of your own issues."

 “Shut your mouth. You will not speak to me in that tone, you insolent child. I am the headmaster of this school and I was personally attacked last night and if you give me one more reason to ruin your future forever, I will. Get. Out.”

 Pearl held her ground. "I'll be back tomorrow with another letter. I won't give up."

 “Yes, you will.” And with that, Marigold turned and disappeared into her office, slamming the door shut behind her.

 "Oof, and I got away with it Scott-free." Pearl raised her eyebrows and looked over at Aurora. "Is she always like this? Like, does she even possess the ability to turn off whatever bitch mode she's stuck on?"

 Aurora didn’t smile. “Surprisingly enough, yes,” she said. “That was a gutsy move, Pearl. I’m proud of you.”

 "Yeah, well. Getting Rose on suspension wasn't my call to make in the first place. And acting like a victim just made me even more shitty." Pearl shuffled her backpack on. "But I wasn't kidding. You'll make sure my letters get to her, right?"

 “Absolutely. Is this why you got here so early?”

 "Yeah." Pearl nodded. "You get some coffee in you, Rori. You look dead. I'll see you around."

 Aurora sighed. Pearl was probably right. “You have a good day, and don’t get into too much trouble,” she told Pearl with a warm smile.

After the door closed behind Pearl, Aurora let out a deep sigh. She’d been dreading this moment all morning: the moment in which she found herself feeling like she should check up on Marigold.

She knocked on the door, hesitantly. “Principal? It’s... me.”

 Marigold's voice seemed oddly tender when she replied, despite her thunder only a minute ago. Her voice cracked with exhaustion. "Come in, Aurora."

   Aurora stepped inside. She closed the door behind her and didn’t approach Marigold.

“Are you... okay?” she said softly.

 "No." Marigold’s tone grew cold again. "I didn't need this, Aurora! I didn't need to have my school broken into... I didn't need the documents I have on Quartz that I was planning to send off today go missing. I don't need your sister suddenly bailing a case on a predator."

 Aurora fell silent.

“Oh,” she just said in response. The graffiti Amethyst had left during the night was clearly visible right next to the window.

“Is there... anything I can do?”

 Marigold looked at her. As if recalling a memory, just out of her grasp. She then sighed. "No. I'm fine. This is all fine. I've hired the cleaning crew to fix this. They'll be here in twenty minutes or so, when school starts." She turned away. "I'll go and patrol to take my mind of it. Hold the ship."

 Aurora swallowed. “Okay.”

She lingered in the office for several seconds longer than she should. Eventually, she sighed and stepped outside towards her desk.

 Marigold stepped out about five minutes later, her uniform a little more fixed than the stern expression draped on her features. "I'm going to find out which one of these little brats wants me to 'fall'."

 “Are you... sure going out right now is a good idea, Ma- Principal?” Aurora swallowed. Cursed herself internally for the slip up. “Students won’t be in for a... while.”

 "There'll be some," Marigold replied, marching to the door.

> Act V, Chapter XXXVII

[the-keeper-of-my-keys]

Im sorry, but can i ask you something about abuse? I dont know if im being abused, i feel bad for even considering it. My mom ignores me when i ask how her day was, and if i ask her to do something she makes me feel bad about it because she buys me things i don't even ask for. She'll talk to me but only when she feels like it. Ive done the housework since i can remember and i can't ever do anything for myself, i think because i only know how to take care of her and my sister. (1)

(2) she makes me feel awful about my inability to finish my school work or study for my driving test, but at the same time i do have time to do it, but no drive. My future doesn't matter to me at all. Everything around the house that goes wronh is automatically my fault. Recently i confronted my autistic sister about her not eating and it upset her, and my mom yelled at me about it even though i was just worried for her. Im starting to think we only matter when what we do affects her.(3) in her defence, she's a single mother suffering from depression and anxiety and she does support us and buy us luxuries like my phone and computer and new clothes, and she paid for me and my friend to go to a concert awhile ago. I feel like a bad person for thinking she might be abusing me, but now she's making my nana feel worthless and annoying like she has me, and i think i'm starting to see her games. At the same time, i'm only 16, so i might be blowing things out of proportion.(4) i'm gonna leave it there. There are other things i can think of that might classify as abuse, but they arent major and i feel horrible for asking in the first place. If you don't want to answer this it's fine! Please delete it if it makes you uncomfortable or anything and im so sorry for spamming you with my problems. If i'm not just crazy and it is abuse, what do i do? I turn 18 in 2 years but i cant do anything for myself. This is my 3rd year in 9th grade bc i cant pass. I just want out._____________________Hi anon, first of all you do not have to feel bad! I’m glad to help and this doesn’t make me uncomfortable. This is probably going to be a long answer, so bear with me.So I don’t have a ton of information here and I’m not an expert so I can’t give you a for sure answer, but from what you’ve said here it definitely sounds like something is not right, and it does sound like abuse to me. It especially sounds like neglect, which in my opinion is a form of abuse. But it also in some parts just seems like clear cut and dry emotional abuse. The part where you said she makes you feel horrible about not being able to finish your schoolwork and stuff -- she shouldn’t be saying things that make you feel that way. She shouldn’t be blaming everything on you. And I think it’s also really neglectful of her to not realize that there’s a reason that you aren’t able to pass your classes? Like stuff like that doesn’t just happen for no reason, and she is ignoring the root cause -- I’m guessing it’s your stress -- and she is ignoring the emotional reasons that you are probably not doing well in school. If she isn’t interested in making sure you’re okay and the real reasons for this, she’s very self-absorbed.Here’s some possible psychological stuff on your mom that I was kind of getting from your messages. Sorry I might be totally off so if I am just ignore this. It sounds like your mom is having a lot of problems of her own, and isn’t dealing with them first, so she’s ignoring all of her responsibilities and pretending they don’t exist. And it sounds like she buys you random things to make herself feel better, so she can say she’s a good parent, and maybe tries to do something nice because she secretly feels bad? But she probably also thinks that buying you things will also get her out of the other parenting things she’s obligated to do, and that if she buys you stuff once in a while, she won’t have to do the things she really doesn’t want to. It’s also probably a subconscious (or even just conscious) mind game thing, where she thinks if she buys you stuff once in a while, you’ll stay and won’t leave. She wants to keep you there forever with her and drain your energy, so that you’ll be taking care of her and she doesn’t have to take responsibility. But she is your caregiver, and is supposed to be taking care of you, and she hasn’t been. It also seems like she’s been doing this for awhile, probably your whole life. She’s making you the parent, making you responsible for your sister and for her, and your mom is acting like she’s the victim and is pushing her problems on you, making you deal with them. In a healthy family, there are clear boundaries, and it kind of seems like there are no boundaries. While most of the time your mom is making you the parent, this time when you tried to get your sister to eat and were parenting in a way your mom didn’t like, your mom stepped in and was like “wtf I’m the parent this is my role so stop it because you’re not doing it how I want you to.” And I can understand how shitty and confusing it must be for you, my parents do that a lot -- it’s really confusing as a kid to have your role be like a parent most of the time with no clear boundaries, and then randomly your parents step in and take that role away, when you’re used to it.But your mom’s psychological problems don’t excuse her behavior at all. It doesn’t invalidate the abuse, because it sounds like abuse. Her depression and anxiety don’t excuse anything either. There are tons of people with depression and anxiety, that don’t do as shitty things as she does. It might honestly just come down to that she’s just kind of a shitty person, and doesn’t care about other people as much as herself, and won’t care for her family. I hope you’re not offended by that, but she doesn’t sound like a great mom at all.Maybe you’re only 16, but also you’ll be an adult in two years. I’m 16 too, but by the age of 16, people usually have their head on straighter, and kind of have more of an idea of what they want. At least that’s what my therapist told me. I know it’s hard not to believe your own thoughts because your mom might make you think that all of your ideas are invalid because you’re “not old enough” or “flawed” in some way (even if she didn’t say that, that might be the message you’re taking from it), but trust me when I say that for a lot of things, you’re able to trust your own judgment. You’ve come this far.I believe in you and you will make it through this! You only have two more years left until you can leave, and then this will all be over. And you say you can’t do anything for yourself, but I know you can and I know you’ll make it, because you were taking a step for yourself by sending me these messages and trying to figure your life out :)If you’re worried about not knowing how to take care of yourself, I would focus for now on becoming more independent from your mom, the most you can be, so that you’ll be prepared for the outside world when you turn 18 (or whenever you decide to move out). The internet can be your parent if she won’t be. You can learn almost anything about everything with a quick search, and you can teach yourself how to take care of yourself and support yourself. I’ll link  adulting masterposts here and here if you need any resources, it’s helped me a lot for sure! I hope this helped at least somewhat, and if you need anything else or wanna talk don’t hesitate to send me a message :) 

[hegglespeggles]

That Mental Illness Thing.

A really good friend of mine just told me she’s struggling with depression, and so i gave her my advice. I figured it might be helpful for other people too so Imma post is here, please feel free to add anything else to it as well! heres my two cents: I'm so incredibly sorry that you feel so shitty, and I understand some of how terrible you feel right now. I want you to know that this doesn't lessen you as a person, and that this will not last forever. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and I have lived a happy(ish ;)) healthy fufilling life despite that. And who knows, maybe its clinical, maybe its situational. I don't know. thats why I'm going to refer you to a bunch of different resources. 1. the family navigation project at sunnybrook works with the families of mentally ill children to help get them  the support they need. they are like 85% of the reason I got the help i needed, and theyre super nice and will help you and theyre super knowledgeable, and will check up on you and communicate with you. I was scared and smol and super alone in the whole thing and they made me feel like i wasn't fighting on my own. 100% reccomend. 2. the Delisle youth services are an organization that offer therapy and safe spaces to youth and theyre super fantastic too. Those safe spaces are also very pro LGBTQIA+ ( all of the places im reccomending are, but by far delisle are the most proactive about it) so if you feel like you need a place to ask questions about your sexuality and advice and whatnot, theyre great mate. 3. When i got my diagnosis, I had to go in circles and bounce from organization to organization a lot, so Im gonna cut to the chase here: if your looking for a diagnosis, go to your doctor and have them refer you for an appointment at the youthdale treatment centre. thats where they have child psychs that will assess you and help you figure out what you need. which leads me to: LITTLE FUN FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOWWWWW 1. you are 14< which means that you have complete control over your own medical records. if you want, you can do what i did and your parents never have to find out. you tell the doctor "i dont want my parents to know" and BY LAW they cant say jack shit. Personally, i think that if you are comfortable with it, then it makes the whole this 80000% easier on you mentally to have a parent with you, but far from me to say that it will always be the best option bc i know that things only were worse for me when my parents found out (here i should add the caveat that my parents were abusive pieces of shit and from what you told me your parents are great but idk. you know yourself and your situation best.) 2. Diagnoses are your best friend. theres a few different reasons why imo your first step is a diagnosis: a) it first of all gives you the piece of mind to know that you arent just being lazy, or self pitying, but that you have a legitimate illness that you must treat which makes it leaps and bounds easier to treat because you dont hate yourself (as much) b) the school and other institutions will help you out if you can provide that documentation. Ontario charter of rights and freedoms outlines that you are entitled to certain allowances as you have a legitimate disability. Once you have a diagnosis, you can sit down with a guidance counsellor and get some things set out to help you at school. this means for me that i am allowed to listen to music in class, i get extra time on assignments with no reprecussions, and if i need to walk out of class (panic attacks yay!) then i can. by far this has made my life sosososo much better and easier and made me so much happier. its so comforting to know if youre having a bad episode and cant move from bed than at least your not "destroying your life." also, universities are forced to recognize it too, and that leads to my last point c) as calculating as it sounds, scholarships yo. you heard me. get that mad dough. 

3. maybe the first therapist you see wont work for you. maybe you have to shop around. thats okay and normal and 100% fine. the most important part is that you find someone you can work with 4. Kids help phone has an online chat if you ever need to scream about something but dont wanna feel like youre burdening anyone. MY SUPER SUBJECTIVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 1. sometimes you just gotta turn your brain off and run on autopilot. sometimes you dont go to rehearsal bc you love it, sometimes you just gotta go because its thursday night and thats what happens thursday nights. 2. Schedule your life. I find that when im depressed, sitting in bed watching star trek for 16 hours feels like a really solid plan. so have a solid-er plan in place so that when you feel like that you can say that "nope i cant find out if starfleet is actually being controlled by changelings because i have to create an outline of my comparitive essay for english by 4 o clock" and so by doing that you become your own mom. i like bullet journalling for this. google it, its fun and productive.   3. Talk to people. I know how hard that can be and im really proud of you for reaching out the way you have. that takes guts, and so im putting this here as a intellectual thing to keep track of and not because i actually think youre stuggling with this part b. messaging people isnt the same as talking to them. so try to get that face-time in. go see a movie. grab some fro-yo. go to the park. see people face to face and that will make everything less shitty. SO FINAL SUM UP. this is a super shitty way to be feeling, and i know its kinda scary, but it doesnt have to suck peripherally, only in the most immediate way, in that your illness is pretty much described as "everything sucks for me always." If you ever need anything i am always right here, and there are resources available at the tips of your fingers. I have a studyblr as well and a lot of it is how to manage mental health when youre in school (and star trek memes. shut up you have your guilty pleasures too) so if you need help getting to work this is also helpful too.