#which is something absolutely INTENSE but it only lasts until i can figure out what's causing it

[uozlulu]

Almost two months later and I'm still getting little anxiety attacks that are rather mild but still noticeable like tiny little aftershock earthquakes or something.

So who knows why we're still at this. I'm glad that my heart rate isn't 100bpm anymore but it'd be nice if I wasn't getting a very quiet erroneous (?) red alert every evening.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #63 – Saga, Book 1 by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples

I first starting reading Saga a literal decade ago (I think literally because Rachel Maddow recommended it on a podcast? Which, god, what a 2010s sort of sentence). I absolutely loved it at the time, and read intermittently until it went on an extended hiatus. So extended, in fact, that I’d kind of assumed the series was dead and only learned it had restarted a couple years ago quite recently. So, seeing as I am now in need of a new comic, I figured I’d restart from scratch and work up to the new stuff. It holds up! (and the letters to the editor are a fascinating cultural time capsule).

The series follows Alana and Marko – star-crossed lovers who eloped together from opposite sides of a brutal and galaxy-spanning race-war – and their newborn daughter Hazel as they evade the numerous forces trying to see them all murdered before than can become an embarrassment. The first arcs of this are most one long blind panic finding transport off-world and only afterwards deciding upon a destination, it’s only in the last volume (with the pointed assistance of Marko’s parents) that there’s any thought of finding stability or a status quo. Along the way, both the family and the series collect a wider and wider circle of colourful hangers-on – and the narrative begins switching focus to give real narrative focus and character arcs to three different groups that find themselves tracking down the family. None of them are particularly happy lives, but they all make for very compelling drama.

The best way to describe this is I suppose a ‘science-fantasy dramedy’. Which sounds viscerally and violently wrong, but the comedy and the drama are both absolutely vital motors keeping it running. And this is the incredibly rare work that actually makes them work together seamlessly. It’s an incredibly vulgar book in a dozen different ways, but the characters are all plausible and compelling, and once you have granted the slightly contrived explanation for why both governments care so immensely about Marko and Alana the plot coheres enough to never take you out of the story. Which is helped by the pacing being fast and tight in a way that always kept me (at least) engaged. I do deduct points for the wise author character basically looking directly at the fourth wall and saying ‘and the profound message of my work is-’ (moreso because said message is truly eye-roll-inducingly vapid and dumb, granted), but that’s easily forgiven.

The comedy was...more hit-or-miss. There is a lot of clever wordplay and funny, high-context character beats. There are also a bunch of just absurd or striking visual gags or background details that really work. And then there is the giant with balls so big and hideous that they almost crush someone to death.

It’s been said (by people with far more knowledge of and investment in the medium than I) that mainstream American comics are these incredible wells of repressed sexuality – full of physically implausible women dressed for a burlesque and with panels framed by a particularly sleazy tabloid photographer, but oddly coy about actually talking about or including sex itself. Which tracks with my limited experiences, but might just be bullshit I don’t know – what I do know is that Saga is basically the exact opposite of that.

Which is to say, this is an intensely sexual comic, but an atypically non-sexualized one. Which is a bit of an odd distinction, but compare how Saga shows an uncensored orgy and how any given artist at a con draws prints of Power Girl and you’ll get the idea. This is on balance a very good thing, occasional junior-high-level visual gags and gross-out humour aside. Sex is a part of life, of varying importance to different people but something present and shaping the world regardless (and Marko and Alana very much do believably seem like a couple that’d have a kid together without a huge excess of planning beforehand).

Aside from Alana, Marko and Hazel (and hangers-on including a phantom babysitter and Marko’s somewhat-approving parents), the various groups hunting them get a really surprising amount of page-count – The Will, Lying Cat and Prince Robot are all basically main characters in their own right, and Gwendolyn, Sophie, Upsher and Doff aren’t fair off. It’s an immense accomplishment that a series of 28-30 page comics manages to bounce between so many characters and always keep them all moving, both physically and emotionally. (The character work and character design of this is worth at least the price of admission on its own, really).

The thing that most makes me love the comic is, I think, how it will introduce characters and tell you explicitly they are murderers and monsters – and then show them struggling and risking their life out of guilt or altruism or love, show them falling for people and being part of rich social worlds, show the trauma and baggage and shitty relationships that made them who they are. Make you care about them and root for them, want them to accomplish what they need to to get a happy ending – and then have them destroy something or kill someone else you’ve grown to care about. Aside from the really obvious stuff about intolerance and war, it’s one of the most consistent themes of the series that monsters have lives and loves too, which is frankly something I wish more stories (and just, people) took to heart.

The setting is glorious, in a ‘mural on the side of a stoner van’ sort of way. Laser guns and spaceships that are giant flying trees, a kingdom of robots with TVs for heads and the planet-sized egg of what’s basically a living black hole – nothing that’s designed to bear scrutiny, but endlessly inventive and evocative and clearly very fun for the artist.

The most striking thing is that – even for now, let alone fucking 2012 – the comic is just incredibly diverse. Even leaving aside the really weird or cartoonishy exaggerated species there’s more diversity in body type and silhouette in one crowd scene of Saga than in most Hollywood movies I’ve seen recently. Same with race and sexuality—the whole setting seeming functionally queernorm except for the one couple whose character arc requires that they come from Planet Homophobia is slightly eyeroll inducing but again, compared to the early 2010s norm it’s soaring so high above the bar you can’t even see the ground.

So yeah, have fallen entirely back in love with it. Can’t wait to start in on Book Two.

[pearwaldorf]

I have been trying to write this on and off for a while. I figure the second anniversary of the show is as fine an occasion as any to shove it out into the world. It is not everything I want to say about it, but I think the important bits are there.

It is a human impulse to be seen. To be told, through art, you are not alone. It is universal, but of special importance to people who are not well-represented in media (i.e. everybody who isn’t cis, white, able-bodied, skinny, and conventionally attractive).   

This show speaks to me as a queer person who figured things out later than most of my peers. (Not quite as late as Ed and Stede but not terribly far off either.) It’s not super common to see queer media address this, and I didn’t realize how much I needed that reassurance until I got it. That it’s okay to find these things any time in your life. To be told “A queer is never late, they’re always fashionably on-time.” 

They’re not my first canon queer ship. But they are the first ones where I knew it was true from the get-go. Multiple people assured me this was the case. And yet, I still didn’t believe it until I saw it with my own two eyes. This experience is not unusual for fans around my age.  

After I finished up season one, I laid in bed and cried. It’s not something I thought would affect me so much, but it feels like a weight I’d carried so long I didn’t realize it wasn’t supposed to be part of me is gone.

One of the reasons people unfamiliar with the fandom seem to think it’s absolutely crazy (which some of it is, to be fair, but every fandom has that) is the way fans of the show get extremely super intense about it. It took me a few weeks to realize this is a trauma response. I’m not even sure “trauma” is the right word. It doesn’t interfere with my day to day function, but it lasted for years. Decades. So it was definitely something that fucked me up. And in the way you can only start to see something as you’re moving past it, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my head around this. (I don’t know if I have anything to say about it yet. Maybe I need more time to sit with it.)

I know this sounds contrary, but I’m really glad David Jenkins does not come from fandom. Sometimes it’s good to know where a line is, and others it’s better to not know there’s a line at all. And this is, sad to say, remarkable to somebody who has had to deal with this for so long. With so many writers and showrunners aware of the line, and getting right up next to it, but never crossing it.

Imagine doing a show with a queer romance and not understanding why this was received with such emotion and fervor, because it’s just two people in love right? What blissful ignorance that this needed to be explained to him! And then he listened to people’s experiences with queerbaiting, and went “Oh my god you thought I was going to do WHAT?” And then you go “Huh. That is really fucked up.” 

The problem with being told something enough, even though you know it’s wrong, is you start to believe it regardless. All the excuses and hedging. It’s so very difficult to do they tell us, when we hear from queer creators how they had fight tooth and nail to make it as gay as it already was. 

And then comes Jenks, just yeeting it out there: majority queer and (not and/or. and) POC cast, an openly non-binary person playing an openly non-binary character. The ability to not have to make one queer (and/or) POC character speak for everybody, so you can inject a tiny bit of nuance into the conversation. The way you can tell more kinds of stories, like the one where the smol angry internalized homophobe comes into his own with the support of a queer community, even though he was a giant fucking asshole to them before.

So many people were like “You can just DO that? It’s really that easy?” And wasn’t that a fucking Situation, to have that curtain pulled aside. What next? Majority POC casts with stories about POC written by POC? Absolute madness. (Please please watch The Brothers Sun on Netflix. It’s so fucking good.) 

And people will scoff and say “Of course a cishet(?) white man would be able to get this pushed through.” But do they usually? The thing I don’t think people understand about allies is they use their privilege to wedge the door open. You still have to do the work to get through, but at least you have a place to start. And it really fucking matters.

The press keeps trying to tell me The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin is the OFMD substitute we need while we float in the gravy basket. I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine show, but I don’t know who has watched OFMD and decided the itch we needed scratched was anachronistic historical comedy.

I want stories written by people that reflect their lived experiences, with actors and crew committed to bringing that to life. And I would like streamers and studios to commit to giving them a chance, and marketing them properly so people know they exist. 

You can keep people satisficed with scraps for only so long. At some point, somebody is going to give them a whole seven course dinner and people will wonder why they’ve been putting up with starving this entire time.

[fridurwrites]

Ecto-Implosion 2024 Fic: Dying To Know You (Chapter 12: The Way Forward)

It’s no small miracle that Valerie and Danny actually get most of the day to clean themselves up and relax. Their only interruption is the Box Ghost (Val is unsurprised at this point to learn Danny actually calls it- him- Boxy), and they don’t even transform for that, much to the other ghost’s annoyance. The day is largely spent in the small movie theater tucked away inside the Manson residence, playing Mario Party and then Smash Brothers. Danny never brings up the way Valerie went berserk, and she never invites him to. She does fire a low-power ectoblast at his shoulder from a few seats down when he steals a star from her, though, mostly to stop his giggling. It’s nice. She can’t remember the last time she felt at ease like this, even with everything unknown and terrifying lurking in the shadows of her thoughts. Sam still glances at her sideways sometimes, and Jazz sneaks worried glances when she thinks Val isn’t looking, but her thoughts never feel as intense as they did when she was looking out for the Phantom in every dark corner.

And so we reach the end.

This was my first time writing in this fandom, and my first creative event in general. I had an absolute blast. I owe no small amount of that to my partner, who remains the incredible Fae. Without her art and ideas and support for my own ideas, I would've never gotten so much writing done for this story.

Considering what I originally had to work off of was their comic, which wound up in Chapter 6, they enabled me to really go nuts figuring out how things got to that point, what happened to Valerie, why Danny was nearby to swoop in and catch her, all of it. What wound up coming out of our wild brainstorming is nearly 40,000 words and an AU that I'm hardly feeling done with. Even just letting her in on who Phantom is changes Valerie's trajectory wildly, and putting her through the wringer like this even before Danielle exists means that a lot of things are dramatically changed. I wouldn't be satisfied without exploring some of that, and I can blame the inspiration on Fae and the event organizers and the momentum on the incredibly lovely and fun comments you guys have been leaving.

Seriously, thank you so much for your encouragement and appreciation throughout posting Dying To Know You! Go check out Fae's other works (and mine if you like Outer Wilds, I guess?), and keep an eye out for the continued adventures of our two beloved half-ghosts sometime soon! Stay hydrated, take your meds, eat something, you know the drill!

Until next time, take care of yourselves!

[utilitycaster]

forgive me if i don’t make sense bc i don’t really know how to articulate this, but taliesin talked a lot about “trying to figure out what punk means in exandria” and wondering what’s there to be angry about. and after the last string of episodes i feel like that it’s a question that he baked into ashton’s character. like yes ashton is punk and they have justified anger but the Rest of their anger is deflective to stop them from interrogating themselves and their decisions further. idk it’s really interesting to me

It is! It's something I really love about Ashton and it's something I think Taliesin was very thoughtful about in his character creation. I think Taliesin is extremely strong in character creation in general, and it's a rare person who can make a character based on a philosophical premise who also feels very real.

That really is the core of Ashton, and I think it's a great commentary. I do still intend to watch The Decline of Western Civilization Part III (winter break perhaps?) but I am broadly familiar with the gutter-punks on which Ashton was based, and again, the punk movement as a whole. There have always been politically-minded punks; but I advise you look up the backgrounds of, say, the average Fugazi/Minor Threat, Bad Religion, Dead Kennedys, or Propagandhi musician because they are, by and large, middle-class white guys with relatively stable and happy childhoods, and the idea of Ashton as someone dedicated to the Tumblr uwu kindness is punk "look at this perfect baby who doesn't steal pennies how kind and generous to only take literally everything else" archetype was always a massive projection. They've always been far more in the model of the Break Shit, Get Wasted punk than, well, the straight edge and veganism of the above.

(I also think that while it's true that a lot of punk houses did take in anyone and were something of a refuge for many a la Color In Your Cheeks, there was also a lot of Missing Stair Fallacy shit going on in the punk community even then. Ashton is in fact an example of the flaws in that sort of subculture: the Nobodies were there until they really, really weren't, and that's not unusual for that kind of punk friendship. It's found family until you're too inconvenient and dangerous to make it worth it. Taliesin explores this a lot, incidentally; that was very much what he was doing with Molly, and I would love to hear him talk about that kind of surface-level closeness that isn't strong enough to stick because as someone who both participates in fandom and loves to observe and analyze fandom as a phenomenon itself, it's a very real dynamic.)

Ashton has had an awful life. That's the premise. Nothing good has happened to them. There are plenty of valid reasons for them to be angry. Some are people who deserve it (their parents for the fucked up ritual; the Nobodies for abandoning them; Jiana Hexum for exploiting them), some are people who don't deserve their anger but to be fair haven't done anything to deserve their respect either (Percy, the gods), but many have been perfectly kind and reasonable and Ashton has rejected them because they're in a position of authority or seemed too nice. And there's plenty of stuff he's mad about that isn't easily pinned on anyone; the chronic pain is a shitty side effect of one or both of his traumas but no one person is responsible.

Ashton is an incredibly cynical person, and this extends to himself. As I've said before, I think they absolutely mean it when they say that they would have done the exact same thing the Nobodies would do, and this has been used to both cover up the intense hurt that came from their abandonment, but also, I think part of Ashton's own self-loathing comes from the fact that yeah, they are the kind of person who'd have done the same, and that isn't a very good person, and being angry at the Nobodies and Jiana and the world at large has allowed him to avoid looking that truth in the face. Ashton has always bounced between "I'll be the best broken thing I can be" and "what if I could be more? what if I could be what I could have been if things went well?" and also "who the fuck cares" and the reveal, that when the chips are down, he will make an ill-advised and self-destructive choice from that place of pain and anger has really rattled them. He can't keep just being angry and using that to shield himself from difficult questions. It won't just kill them, but it will hurt everyone around them too.

A really ugly truth of life is that even when something is completely not your fault and even when you have been dealt a rotten, unfair hand, often, you do have some degree of responsibility to deal with it ("And if it isn't my fault, I certainly didn't do anything to deal with it," as Ashton says.) The mere act of being angry is cathartic but doesn't actually solve anything. I think that's Keyleth's message to Orym, actually; it's not fair, and you're angry that it's not fair, but you need to use that anger to do things yourself instead of letting it consume you or passing the buck because it sure as hell isn't your turn. Ashton has, since the solstice, been playing tug of war with the idea that this anger has perhaps not been serving him, and he finally lost. Initially they realized a lot of this anger had been self-pity, but then, as they said, one week of thinking their parents actually were something led them to do the exact same dumb cult shit. Instead of stopping and listening to Evontra'vir and Allura, he said "no, I'm special, actually." And to be clear I think their motives were incredibly complicated and well-thought-out on Taliesin's part. It's not just because of his parents, it's not entirely selfish or out of heroics but those certainly did play a part, he did genuinely think it would help but he also ignored a number of warnings that it wouldn't. Again, I think the parallels between Ashton and FCG are glaringly obvious this episode, except Ashton hid their feelings with anger and FCG with a focus on everyone else's needs.

[sheisaquarius-blog]

Ian day prompt if you're still accepting prompts? hehe just really want an ianthony meet cute since we don't have enough of those lol maybe ian out in public? a party? cafe or somewhere and then it's a play on this canon fact of ian not really knowing someone is flirting with him. so maybe he catches anthony's attention and every time anthony locks eyes with him he looks away and then when anthony finally tries to talk and flirt with him, Ian is completely oblivious to all his advancements and anthony thinks he's just absolutely adorable (another canon fact lol)

i have had a seriously hard time writing lately, but this is my best shot! i'm hoping to get all my other prompts completed between tonight and tomorrow, but i've been struggling with writing so much. if you have a kind thought to spare today, think of me and hopefully my fingers will start typing again.

i did my best here, i doubt it's what you had in mind but i hope you still enjoy it!

Anthony is about to get the hell out of this party that he’s been over since before he even got there, but there’s a whole barricade of people before the front door and they all know him (well, they don’t know him, which is part of why he wants to get out in the first place), which means he’ll get so much shit for leaving after only an hour. He barely slips out of view as one of his “friends” scans the room—maybe not for him, but Anthony isn’t about to take that chance, so he ducks back around the corner.

God, he hates making friends in college. It feels like some high political drama where he has to make alliances instead of actually liking people. It’s always who-knows-who? Who can get me here? Who can I trust? At every turn, and Anthony finds it so exhausting. Fucking fake.

Three and a half months into college and he’s really starting to wonder whether this was the right move. He isn’t really sure what else he’d do, but this hasn’t quite felt like the right choice yet.

He’s caught up deliberating the merits of being one of those drop out tech guys in Silicon Valley, trying to find the least crowded room, when he hears a laugh he kind of recognizes. It might be the least crowded room, but Anthony’s stomach still turns over when he sees the kitchen of this college apartment complex. Some number of people too big for Anthony to figure at a glance congregates around the island, but he figures this is his best chance to meld into a group with the least number of people. Plus, not one of the guys in his hall who dragged him here is bothering with the kitchen. It seems more like cool artsy types. Anthony leans into the corner, and then he hears that laugh again. This time, his eyes fall on a guy a couple inches shorter than himself with brown fringe hanging in his eyes. Anthony recognizes him from his film class—he talked about some Korean film Anthony never heard of during the sound design unit—Ian. Ian . . . something about dicks.

He seems cool, to be honest. Unfortunate last name though. College is a little better than high school, but still. Anthony wonders if he’s had trouble making friends too.

Ian’s eyes catch his and Anthony raises his solo cup in acknowledgement, but Ian’s eyes slide away.

That’s fine, there are a lot of people, and Ian seems . . . kinda popular, actually. Maybe he isn’t having the same troubles as Anthony. It doesn’t register until the third time Ian looks away from him that, oh. Oh! Anthony is staring. Yeah, no wonder Ian’s vibe seems weird.

Okay, that makes sense. He needs to be way less intense.

Ian’s eyes are a pretty blue, and he’s funny, so being less intense proves to be a bit of a challenge, actually. Anthony isn’t sure how long he spends at that kitchen island, but it’s easily the best time he’s had at this party or any other, and he’s hardly said a word himself.

The conversation, of course, turns to film, and Anthony feels like maybe he should excuse himself before anyone notices he doesn’t fit in here, either. Everyone’s answer is something highbrow, something foreign. Anthony knew that would be the case, but as the circle goes ‘round and gets closer to him, he feigns like he needs a new drink and slips away.

The front door is still guarded like the fucking Pentagon, so Anthony heads out back to the little lawn area. There are more little groups, but at least in the fresh air, Anthony feels like he can breathe. Plus, maybe if he finishes his punch, he’ll be fucked up enough to actually try and vault over the fence to get out.

He looks down at the drink in his hands that must be pure nail polish remover and Capri sun.

Absolutely nasty. “Cheers,” he mutters to himself, holding his breath and bringing his cup to his lips.

“Hey.” Anthony could thank god from saving him from that chug, but then he turns to see Ian and now he wishes maybe he’d had a little more booze in his system. “Hey,” Anthony says, furrowing his brow. “What are you doing out here?”

Ian shrugs. “You never said your favorite movie. I was curious.”

“Uh,” Anthony stumbles, because he absolutely cannot say his answer. “Citizen Kane?”

Ian frowns, considering. “What a film studies answer. Did you want to try it again, a little stronger, and maybe I’ll believe you this time?”

Anthony is bitten by how direct that is, how absolutely called on his bullshit he is. It makes him laugh, although he’s surprised that he doesn’t feel more uncomfortable about it. “Citizen Kane,” he repeats, in his most deadly serious tone.

“Rosebud,” Ian says, and . . .

And Anthony has absolutely nothing for that. “Huh?” he asks.

Ian shakes his head and laughs—Anthony likes that sound. Even if he isn’t sure why, he’s glad to have been the cause. “Okay, dude. Sure. What’s your real answer?”

What the hell, he’s a lost cause, might as well be honest about it. “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

Ian’s eyebrows shoot up under his fringe and he blinks in surprise. “You could have said anything else.”

Anthony grins a little and shrugs. “You said you wanted the real answer.”

“I did say that, didn’t I?” Ian replies, a little smile creeping over his mouth. “We’re in film class together, right?”

Anthony nods. “Yeah, that’s why I tried sneaking into your table, but I can’t exactly fake it.”

“Yeah, I hear that’s harder for guys.” It’s Anthony’s turn to laugh—this guy is stupid funny. It would be annoying if it were less funny. “You, uh, you like it? Class, I mean. Or like, all of this, I guess.” He gestures vaguely around them.

Ian considers for a moment, his eyes drifting around thoughtfully. They’re nice eyes. A kind of blue Anthony’s never seen before. “It’s alright, I guess. To be honest, I think about dropping out at least once a day, but I don’t exactly have something better to do.”

“Really?” Anthony asks. Ian seems so with it in class. He always has the answers, he can discuss things like he knows what he’s talking about—he seems perfectly cut out for this.

“I probably won’t,” Ian admits. “But it’s so . . . I dunno. It’s not easy. Not the classes, that stuff’s fine. The rest of it.” He throws a skeptical glance back inside. “I can’t be pretentious for four more years just to end up never making a goddamn movie.”

Boy, does Anthony get that. “Dude, I so get that.”

Ian’s gaze turns back to him, then away once more, but Anthony can’t help but think there’s something in it this time. “What about you?” Ian asks.

“I was thinking of leaving for San Francisco, like, seconds before I walked into the kitchen,” he says with a chuckle. “How hard can it be to be the next Bill Gates? Besides, it’s not like I’m gonna get anywhere in the film department, I just like fun movies.”

“I’ve seen Home Alone, I’ve never seen the second one, but it’s a good movie. John Williams’s score? Unbelievable.”

“I know!” Anthony says, far too excited, a huge smile on his face. “The music is so good! And Joe Pesci could make me piss myself laughing.”

“Is he in the sequel?”

Anthony feels like this is perhaps a moment. A moment for him to test the waters, to see if there’s anyone out there, if there’s a reason to stay. “You wanna watch it?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Ian says casually, taking a drink from his own cup.

Anthony can’t quite tell if Ian is turning him down or completely oblivious, so he pushes harder. “Do you wanna watch it with me?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

Oh.

A little smile climbs from one end of Anthony’s lips to the other. He can work with oblivious.

“I meant, like, do you want to leave this fucking party and go watch it right now,” Anthony clarifies. “I have it in my room on DVD.”

Ian blinks at him, curious.

“With me,” Anthony adds.

Anthony seems to have taken him by surprise for the second time tonight, and there’s a little bit of satisfaction in that. Maybe he’ll have to make it three times before the night is over. “Oh—oh!” Anthony can see the realization happen in his eyes in real time. “Yeah, absolutely, let’s get the hell outta here.”

Anthony smiles. “I think you’ll like it.” Ian chuckles and jerks his head towards the complex, and Anthony doesn’t dread heading back in too much, and only a little bit of that has to do with the fact that he’ll be leaving right away. “Unless you wanna go over the fence,” Ian offers.

Anthony shakes his head. “Next time,” he says as they head in together.

[drewstarky]

Detecting the Haunted Masterlist 

Chapter Three

Word Count: 3.2k

Pairing(s): Anthony Lockwood x Detective!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Angst

A/n: hello friends! I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever!!! its going to be a busy summer for me as its my last year in my acting program, and I have professional Shakespeare shows coming up (auditions and rehearsals) soon. I really hope to be active but im not sure how active I will be but I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Add yourself to the Taglist

In all of Anthony’s life, he wanted people to love him. He wasn’t sure why but the praise of others and the showering of adoration towards him just gave him the feeling of being loved. Maybe it was because that’s what his life was missing, love. 

The current problem with wanting to be even just admired, was that you wouldn’t speak to him, unless absolutely necessary or with someone else in the room. He couldn’t pin point what had changed, but it put him in a grouchy mood. 

He had even snapped at George and Lucy at one point, because of it, which he felt bad about.

He just couldn’t understand why you would all of a sudden you just seem to loathe the mere presence of him. 

That was until he saw you having a conversation with none other than Quill Kipps in the library. That made Lockwood want to explode. He did his best to keep his composure, but how could he? Especially when someone he cared for was talking to his rival. 

You had laughed at something he said, before Anthony made his way over. 

“Tony! I see you have a new agent in training on your hands.” Kipps seemingly tries to antagonize him, “I thought you had enough troubles trying to keep your agency afloat, Being such a small and insignificant one.” 

Lockwood grits his teeth, and his fist goes into a ball, clenching it so tightly. 

“Anyway, my offer still stands.” He says directed towards Y/n in a overly confident tone before making his leave.

Anthony tightens his jaw even more if that was even possible to do so.

You shake your head while smiling, as Kipps leaves and Anthony notices. 

“When’d you get so chummy with Kipps?” He asks with an intensity that you can only describe as uncomfortable.

You ignore his prompted stare down, and shift over a book, and open it to start your next reading.

He keeps staring waiting for you answer.

“When did you get so controlling with who I talk to? Last time I checked you were my boss, not my boyfriend.” You say not even meeting his gaze, ignoring the way saying boyfriend made your body tingle.

He looks genuinely shocked, and hurt, when you spew the words with venom at him, wth a fiery anger, but you had to hate him, or else you’d hate everyone else around you. The problem was that hating everyone wasn't an option you wanted to explore, so your anger had to be directed towards Anthony Lockwood. That was or else it would consume you.

George walks towards the two, carefully, as if he could be the detonator to explode one of the two colleges of his on each other.

“I uh, found the paper in the archives we were looking for, Y/n.” He says before carefully setting it down on the table the two of you were working at.

George had noticed the tension in the house between Lockwood and Y/n, he knew Lucy could feel it too, as she kept trying to get Lockwood and Y/n to avoid each other as much as possible as she tried to figure out what triggered all this, for lack of a better term, teenage angst in the house. 

Well it felt like more than just teenage angst. It felt like a rage radiating off of the two directed towards each other, as if they were two old miserable manifestations bickering like an old couple while trying to murder everyone in the way that ticked them off.

Yeah that was more of the level of tension that was going on, especially when Lucy or himself got caught in the crossfire of the two. He actually didn’t hate Y/n, he had gotten to tolerate her during their times in the archives, but he couldn’t get a good reading of why she acted the way she did towards them, but mostly Lockwood. He was so curious of what was making her tick, or ticked off, pun intended.

Even Lockwood was making things feel off. He had been pissed almost every single day these past couple of weeks, and had even bursted with anger towards himself and Lucy.

George started to think of all the ways he could figure out what was wrong, and deiced to let Lucy in on his plot when he got home, to figure out what the hell these two had tasted to be so bitter to everyone.

George had come out of dreamland to find Y/n and Lockwood bickering.

“At least I talked to someone who wasn’t a stuck up prick for once!” Y/n almost yells.

“I think you’ve got it all wrong, love, you did talk to the stuck up prick, he just left with what’s left of his dignity, from the last time he was here!” Lockwood raises her one.

“Guys, Guys!” Lucy comes rushing In to break it up, “Maybe let’s try to not get kicked out of the archives? Y/n let’s uh, go get lunch, there’s this place I've been meaning to take you to.” 

Y/n gives Anthony one last glare before, picking up her jacket and heading out with Lucy.

“Well, that was awkward…” George mumbles faintly, before giving Lockwood a disappointed look before getting back to work.

“Urgh! He such a pompous ass!” You rant to Lucy, in between shoving pizza in your mouth. 

“Lockwood can be… selfish. But it’s really more because he wants the us and the whole agency to benefit… trust me I know it all too well.” She tries to console you, and you can see the genuine hurt in her eyes from it. 

If he could hurt Lucy, and get others hurt, even killed… who knows what the guy could do to you. Maybe the Job Kipps offered you wasn’t such a bad idea. 

It especially felt good to know it would make Lockwood infuriated. Maybe this was a chance to get a back at Lockwood a bit. Not to the degree you wanted, but it was something.

You make small talk with Lucy while eating, coming up with a plan in your head of how to piss him off the most.

To say Lockwood was pissed was a total understatement. He was enraged.

George and Lucy even seemed to tiptoed around Lockwood as of recently, and Lockwood felt nothing but isolated, and that led him to be able to sit and stew in his anger even longer. 

The both of you seemed to avoid each other physically, which made Lockwood all the more furious. The only time you’d see each other was for training, which George and Lucy had taken over most of that, and cases.

Today you had to train with your rapier again, and that was the main thing Lockwood oversaw.

“C’mon again!” He yells, as you missed one of the practice targets. 

You glare daggers into his direction, as he seemly does the same. 

“I would be a lot better if I didn’t have the constant screaming in my ear.” You mumble sarcastically.

“Sorry, I didn’t get that? Maybe you could actually try this time?” He says before smirking and leaning back to where he was sitting seeming satisfied with ticking you off.

“I’d like to see you do better.” You taunt stalking towards him, “The best I’ve seen in action was the Fittes team at a case I was working.”

He clenches his jaw, looking at you with an intense fire behind his eyes. 

“You’re more show than skill.” You smirk as his face turns even more sour. He gets up and moves right into your personal space. 

“Really? If you think I’m all show, then lets put it to the test, Love.” He pulls his rapier out and backs you into the wall.

You visibly gulp, not because of his challenge, but the sheer proximity of how close his face was to yours. 

He stares into your eyes, with his full of an emotion you couldn’t quite pinpoint. He had a anger but there was something else behind it. 

He shakes his head and scoffs, turning around walking away.

That made your whole body burn with fury. You knew he was one of the best from stories you had heard, but boy did that make you want to try harder to be better. 

“Like I said, all show.” You mumble loud enough for him to hear. 

He stops on the spot, turning around about to say something, and before he can Lucy is running down the stairs with a small stack of letters in her hand. 

“Hey, Y/n You’ve got mail.” 

You give Lockwood a victory smirk, and he gives you a glare saying ‘this isn’t over’.

“Thanks, Lucy.” You take the mail form her, before looking it over, until stopping on one letter in particular. 

“Crap…” you mumble to yourself, opening it quickly. 

Lockwood and Lucy seem intrigued to know what had gotten the rise out of you.

You skim over the letter, or well, the invitation. Your grandparents wanted to see you, and you knew that they rarely did unless it had to do with their agenda. 

You started to feel ill, hoping it was you actually getting sick to get out of it, instead of the idea of visiting them. 

“What is it?” Lockwood asks slightly worried as you lean to grab the wall. 

You want to throw the letter out, but you hand it to Lucy, “You can read it amongst yourselves, if you wish, Especially since I think I’m going to need you to accompany me.”

They give each other a look, as you head upstairs and They both follow you up quickly, if not seconds later. 

George seems intrigued to what is going on, and comes out of the sitting room area, with his usual cleaning gear on, and duster in his hand. 

Lucy starts reading aloud, “Y/n Y/l/n and Lockwood & co, You are formally invited to The Saunders Ball, this Friday. Please wear formal wear and please arrive early to meet and dine with The Saunders.”

“How in the bloody hell do you know the Saunders?!” Lockwood almost yells.

George pipes up, “And why would one of the oldest of richest families in London want dinner with with us?”

“Blood Relation, to me, unfortunately.” You say, wishing this wasn’t their reaction. 

Lucy and Lockwood sit there with their mouths ajar, while George looks like he’s going through every probability in his mind.

“Look, there’s no need to come. I can face my grandparents myself-“

“There’s no way were passing this up. It’s an opportunity for the company to find more clients.” Lockwood pipes up.

Your jaw clenches as try you to smile to pretend to be pleased that he wants to come. 

“Great. does everyone have formal wear? Or do we have to go shopping?”

Lucy shakes her head no, and you give a light smile, before grabbing her hand.

“Let’s go then, my treat.” You say before running out the door with Lucy. 

Lockwood gives one last glance at the door, before standing up.

“C’mon George, Lets go find out all we can about the Saunders.”

Lockwood wouldn’t try to dive into your history if he could help it, but he needed to know anything he could about who’s doors he was about to step into and how to best be prepared to gain new clients. 

Lucy had told you a bit about her past life, how she didn’t come from much, and her old employer, and briefly what happened to her best friend Norrie.

“Hey Lu?” You grab her attention with the nickname you called her in your nightly talks, “Im sorry.”

“What do you mean?” She asks, looking directly at you as you walked down the street of the shops. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about all this. It’s something my Mum left in the past when she left home from my grandparents. I’ve never really lived rich my mother just came from money.” You sigh as you continue to explain, “We really lived off of my Dad’s pay, and my mother worked part time in a flower shop. It- it’s not really important what they did. But my grandparents- well they only ever summon me if they want something.”

Lucy gives a sympathetic look, with almost an understanding. 

“My grandparents hated my dad, because the took their only daughter away, to live a ‘life of poverty’ and my dad, ‘he couldn’t provide’. Ah, it’s so messed up! Then my parents had me, and all they ever wanted was me to become their ‘Perfect grandchild of the Saunders’ but I never was that, or could be that.” You ramble it all out.

“I’m sorry y/n” she replies, “For all that family rubbish. I- I know the struggle of family too well.” She mentions with an understanding you’ve never felt. 

You felt so heard. You felt so seen even though your pasts couldn’t have been more different. It was so touching.

“Thank you. For being my friend.” You blurt out, as she gives you a genuine smile. 

“C’mon let's check out this shop!” You say while dragging her in and you both giggle. 

Lockwood was tapping his fingers against the table. He was getting George to pull article after article about your grandparents. After Fairfax, Lockwood couldn’t just walk into this blindly, especially at the reaction that Y/n had at the mere invitation of dinner with them. 

The archives seemed to have little to no information so far, other than that they were old money for being a huge lavender supply over the years and that they had a similar social circle to Fairfax; rich and socialites. Their only link to each other was Marissa Fittes and Penelope Fittes.

Lockwood sighed, as he hoped this wouldn’t turn into another Fairfax situation. At this point in time, he didn’t think he could really trust y/n anymore. 

But maybe that was the problem between himself and y/n, that she couldn’t trust him. He never had thought about it that way. He had told Lucy and George about his past, but not y/n, so maybe that’s why she didn’t share much about herself. 

Maybe it was time Lockwood let himself go of this rampant disease of the feeling of resentment. At least to a small degree, just so they all could survive dinner and the ball with one of London's most powerful and influential families. 

It was finally the day to head to dinner and the ball with your grandparents, and you were just pretending to have it all together, but underneath you were an earthquake of nerves waiting to start to rumble. 

You were curling Lucy’s hair with an curling iron, trying to distract yourself from the whole situation. 

“That’s a beautiful necklace you have on.” You mention breaking the almost silence as the record player played a soft tune in the back of the room.

She grabs it, fiddling with it, “Thanks, Lockwood gave it to me, for the Fittes ball.” You freeze for a second, trying to hold your face still in the same way it was. 

You were partly shocked she even mentioned it, because that was the night your father had died at the hands of him.  You were Devastated but wasn’t the only emotion you were feeling, you couldn’t help but feel a pang in your chest when she said Lockwood gave it to her. You hated yourself even more for falling into this trap of his charms. 

You were trying to hold a small smile, ads you finished Lucy’s hair. Your eyes started to water slightly, and as you tried to hold your tears in, there was a knock at the door. 

“Luce, Y/n, are you two ready yet?” Lockwood asks from the other side.

“You’re done Lu.” You say before turning around before the tears started to come out and started to go get your dress on. 

“I’m coming out, Y/n just has to put her dress on.” Lucy explains.

“Okay.” He repsonds.

Lucy slips out, and you here her shoes click against the stairs as she walks down. 

You wipe away your tears and start to pull your dress on before hearing your name being called.

 “Y/n?” 

“Yes Lockwood?” You reply.

You start to struggled with he zipper on your dress, as Lockwood starts to speak, “I just wanted to say that I’m- Y/n/n are you okay?” He asks as you made a loud sound as you crashed into the vanity. 

“Uh yeah I just can’t- I can’t get this stupid zipper.” You sigh in defeat, “Can you come in and help me?”

“Yeah, of course.” He says as he opens the door. His breath is taken away as If his lungs were ghost touched. You were leaning against the vanity, with a beautiful red dress on. 

“I know it’s pathetic but that the last case we had this week hurt my shoulder, so you don’t have to say it.” You mention looking away, before meeting his gaze. 

Was he… admiring you? You couldn’t tell for the few seconds he looked at you, before his expression changed as he moved towards you.

“It was my fault, on that case. I should have prepared you more so don’t worry about it. I’m just glad the dresser that hit you in the shoulder didn’t hurt you more.” He said, “That was quick moving, your getting out of the way before it squashed you.“ 

That was almost a compliment and an admittance of fault. What was going on with him? He motions for you to turn around and you do. As he moves your hair out of the way, a shiver runs down your spine, and goose bumps arise on your skin. 

You try to distract yourself at the feeling of his close proximity to you by cracking a joke, “Yeah well, now I can’t zip myself up, or get out of this stupid gown. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for this choice of attire I truly adore feeling trapped.” 

He laughs a small almost silent laugh, as he grabs the zipper and slowly zips it up. It was agonizingly slow. You couldn’t tell if he was doing this to spite you, or because he was feeling the same weird feelings that you were. 

You shook off the second thought, it had to be to make you uncomfortable. You couldn’t have second thoughts on this no matter how warm it made your body feel. 

You swear you heard him take a shaky breath in before he finished and you turned to face him. You were really close to his face, and you could see the way his eyes looked almost puppy dog like. His eyes trailed your whole face for a few seconds before he took a small step back.

“Shall we?” He extended his arm, before you both descended the stairs, heading out to the car to take you to the infamous Saunders ball. You only hoped that your grandparents didn’t pull some bullshit like they usually did with you. 

You had no idea what was in store for you and your team, and that’s what was killing you. The not knowing.

Taglist:

@waitingforthesunrise @sleep-i-ness @rinisfruity14 @uku-lelevillain

[feelingpoorly]

Life lesson: avoid expired egg noodles

So I usually post whiny attention seeking shit like this on my insta bc even tho my kink does not apply to me at all, in some weird way complaining about how ill and knowing people would see it still kinda turns me on a little

But I figured what better place to whine about it here instead since, idk this is kinda what this blog is for

-

So we went to the shop last night and got a bunch of food from the reduced section. We do this fairly regularly cuz the expired food is so cheap and it’s usually fine if you eat it same day

Well I learnt my lesson lol. Amongst one of the things we got a couple packs of fresh egg noodles in some sauce. I didn’t really like them, but store bought is never gonna be as good as the real thing anyway right?

I was snacking on some cereal at like midnight, having eaten these noodles at like 7. I noticed that I was getting pretty severe stomach pain in the top of my stomach. It was weird and I didn’t really understand why. However I had taken some prescription painkillers earlier that day and although I take a different medication with them to try and stop this happening, they can have a habit of wrecking my stomach and giving me a tummy ache. I thought it was weird, since I definitely HAD remembered to take them with the other med this time, but whatever

Anyway I woke up this morning, we were going out to meet up with some of my partners friends for coffee. I immediately realised I felt bloated as hell, like painfully so. I figured it would pass once I was up and moving around.

It did not.

It pretty quickly progressed into pretty severe stomach cramps, to the point where every time I stood up, it would cramp so hard I couldn’t stop myself from kinda curling over and wincing. At that point I was starting to worry something was actually wrong and I wasn’t just a bit bloated.

I quite quickly started feeling pretty sick, and that’s panic territory for me, being emetophobic. I took a dissolvable anti sickness tablet, but the nausea combined with the horrible cramping made me feel very unwell. I really felt awful and sick and at that point I had to say to my partner, if I say I don’t feel well please can you just take me home. I didn’t know how I was gonna cope sitting in a coffee shop feeling like this. When the cramps hit I was in a lot of pain. Bearing in mind I live with chronic pain, I’m not a baby about pain, but this was the kind of pain that you just wince voluntarily and I couldn’t hide it.

Thankfully the anti sickness meds kicked in, and after sitting down for a while the nausea and the cramps settled down a bit to the point where I was no longer freaking out about being ill in public. I should probably add here that on the way there in the car, my stomach was making some really upset sounding deep rumbling gurgles. Like it didn’t sound good. The kinda gurgles that only come with being sick. I didn’t feel well enough to have a drink or anything to eat which probably looked a little suss. Later on a got just a bottle of lemonade hoping it would settle my stomach but when I sipped it, it just make it worse and my stomach started cramping again.

Skip to being home this evening, I’d thought the worse was over and I’d been feeling kinda ok. I had some light dinner, and what a fucking bad idea that was lol.

Im not having the intermittent intense cramps anymore but like, now my whole stomach feels bloated af again and I have like this sharp cramping pain kinda all over, both upper and lower stomach with just no relief. I’m so bloated my stomach is sticking out but there’s no relief from it at all. Holding my stomach helps but I feel so embarrassed so I’ve tried to hide it and only rub my tummy when my partner went to sleep.

What makes it worse, is that up until this point I had no idea what caused any of this. But when we got home, there was an absolutely rancid smell in the kitchen that smelt like off, rotting food. It was absolutely foul. It almost even smelt like vomit, and just smelling it made my nausea kick off all over again.

It was the leftover noodles. And let me tell you, they smelt pungent as FUCK. I literally ate those last night, and they smell that bad today? No wonder I’ve felt ill. I have that shit in my stomach. Even after my partner bagged up the leftovers, sealed it and put it in the bin, just the PLATE they were on is still emitting this foul smell, it’s just awful

Eating dinner was a bad choice, because now I just feel worse again. I don’t feel that sick anymore, probably because of the meds, but my stomach feels horrible again. I’m in so much pain, I can’t suck my tummy in at all with how sore and bloated and painful it is. I feel like an absolutely pathetic self indulgent lil bitch but I literally just went to make myself a hot water bottle to hold to my tummy as I try and sleep, because it hurts and this is not fun. I just want some relief, and currently nothing else is helping. As I’m lying here holding my tummy with one hand and holding the hot water bottle on it with the other, it’s gurgling and glugging really loudly sickly again and it just feels awful. I can literally feel it in my insides, and with the way it feels I just really hope it doesn’t all come back up again, probably still along with the undigested noodles from last night if the way I’m feeling is anything to go by 🥺

-

Anyway, I just came here to complain about it in way too much detail lmao. Hopefully someone enjoys my misery. As I said, although it’s embarrassing as hell, somehow the thought of other people knowing or being sympathetic etc is also kinda hot

If anyone wants to use my sorry ass as fic inspo then ofc you have my blessing lmao. In fact, if you do, PLEASE let me know as I’d love to read it haha

Anyway, off to moan quietly to myself and hold the hot water bottle on my aching tummy now x

[symbioticsimplicity]

@taddy-cat

You asked for the essay, you get the essay.

First and foremost, the premise of the show is that anyone, no matter how awful, can be redeemed. Based on that alone, there's already room for Alastor to make the cut. He would absolutely take the longest and I believe he'd be the last of the original cast to have done so, but I think its not only possible but plausible. From a writing perspective it would be brilliant should they carry it off.

But that's the Doylist answer, we're interested in the Watsonian one.

The first thing that makes me think so, is that we've already seen him change, in small ways, but its change nonetheless.

Turning away Mimzy, which while was most likely because he was trying to make Lucifer swallow the narrative that he was constructing, still showed him prioritizing the hotel.

Lending Charlie his Mic. THAT was a trust exercise. It didn't take place during one of the scheduled times, but make no mistake he placed a SHITTON of trust in Charlie then, he just didn't tell her. It was on his own terms, but like I said SMALL changes.

Threatening Husk. That sounds contradictory because how could threatening someone indicate a GOOD change? Because we very much have heard about Alastor being the type of person you don't fuck around with. People do everything they can to avoid him so much as NOTICING them. He's absolutely the type to kill without warning but he DIDN'T. He threatened because he LIKES Husk.

And of course him mentioning "One could become accustomed" to the rest of the Hazbin cast. First of all, that was right before a major battle, he could very well lose any of these people the next day. That's such a fond thing to say under those circumstances, especially for someone like him. (This is pure speculation, but remember what Mimzy said about him becoming a kitten after a drink or two?? What better time to drink than the eve before a major battle??? Alcohol loosens the tongue, ergo Alastor is an affectionate drunk. Honestly??? That would be fucking hilarious, and would explain why hes not visibly drunk around any of them despite liking alcohol)

Also!!! Rosie!!!! The fact that he DOES have the capacity for genuine friendship, however twisted, shows that he has the potential to cultivate even more relationships like those, perhaps in a healthier manner even.

That said, it will be HARD.

He will fight TOOTH AND NAIL. He is the embodiment of it gets worse before it gets better. He's gonna fuck up SO MUCH MORE before that even becomes a possibility. Because in order to get him to actually consciously make the decision to become better, he has to have remorse to work with. Right now Alastor feels none guilt about just about anything hes done up until this point. He's a monster and he knows and loves that about himself. He DOES have a moral code in there somewhere, its just wildly different than anyobody else's and he hasn't broken THAT once. He needs to be put in a position where he DOES.

Because for someone like him, redemption can't be an accident the way it was with Pentious. It needs to be an intentional goal that he has to work towards with the same kind of intensity he's put toward evil. And given the set up they have for him to betray the Hotel, I genuinely hope that's the catalyst. I hope its right after Charlie goes out of her way to do something genuinely meaningful for him (Like passing him a message from his Mother, because she sought her out while she was in Heaven. She knows how much he cares about her at that point, and made the effort to make contact and see if she could get smuggle a letter down for him. Maybe it even causes her some trouble too just to add fuel to the fire.)

But if that remorse were to begin, I think it would eat him alive. In the same way pain feels magnified when its not a frequent thing, Alastor has never felt guilt before so its crushing to him.

Alastor is also not the type of person to sit around and mope so after figuring out what the fuck is happening to him, he would be the type to force himself through whatever he thought necessary to deal with it. And the way to deal with it is to put himself through Charlie’s program.

He has to see his Mom, and he has to make things right.

And that fucker is driven.

[vriskaserketdaily]

May I get your professional opinion on Spider8reath?

professional opinion: it's cute and good for vriska but ultimately unrequited

from john's perspective, he and vriska had a couple of really intense conversations during what was already kind of a stressful day for him, and then he heard nothing from her for like three years. he never saw vriska's last messages to him, because she actually sent them to rose in the hopes that rose would forward them to john. prior to the retcon, john even explicitly states that he finds vriska strange, offputting, and dangerous, and that he kind of hates her!

on vriska's side of things, it's quite different. john has absolutely no context on who she is or what she's done, which is very freeing. the sheer fact of his humanity is what allows vriska to be vulnerable, to admit her shortcomings as a troll of the cerulean caste (namely, feeling guilt over killing tavros). he is at that point the only person in her life she has not alienated through her actions, so naturally she developed some pretty strong positive feelings for him!

personally, i think at least some of her feelings are based on comphet---she tends to place guys on impossible pedestals and is endlessly disappointed when they fail to live up to who she thinks they should be. and a guy from an entirely different species in a completely different universe who you have had the chance to quietly observe for most of his life and who has no preconceived notions of who you are at all seems like a pretty good unattainable emotionally unavailable parasocial blank slate!

until, oops, she dies. and there's a dead john too. and this john knows even less about her than her john.

i think that vriska's attraction to the idea of john as a supportive, empathetic figure (as opposed to the real john, who can be kind of a dick) might have been some of the reasons that they didn't work out in the afterlife---again, for all the guys she "dates," she seems so much more invested in the roles they should be playing (eridan as dualscar, tavros as the summoner) that she pays very little attention to and has very little regard for who the guys actually . . . are. and john very adamantly does not let that happen to him.

i think they work as "kisrails"---a pitch/pale semiquadrant. john is something of an unwitting blackrom casanova, and while he doesn't like vriska he does still feel a certain responsibility towards her. and while john might not be the malewife of vriska's dreams, he is the one guy she knows who can dish it out as well as take it. they do bring out the better parts in each other, or at least john brings out the better parts in vriska.

also i think it's funny to headcanon them both as homophobic gays. john would never say so, but he DOES privately agree when vriska calls dirk and jake a pair of [slurs she definitely cannot reclaim]

[balkanradfem]

Cardiology is... Very connected to other fields, so it's simply if you don't have more specific specialists in your area, chances are a cardiologist will know what to test for and who to go to, at least in a very generic direction. But it's especially connected to rheumatology. Although if you have a traumatologist that could work just as well, but in a town (tiny) where I live a clinic didn't have one and still doesn't, so I just went to a cardiologist to refer me to another city and she was pretty good.

The way you're describing it you definitely have chronic pain imo. I think there's a very harmful ableist narrative in our society that if the pain seems to have a cause it's not "actually" chronic as if chronic pain just appears out of nowhere which is not true, but just suck at figuring out the diagnosis. Chronic pain is any pain that lasts for a long period of time, case closed. Even if you broke your leg and it fully healed and it still hurts you'd still have a pain that is chronic, for example. Triggers for pain are very common too, it doesn't have to be present all the time, in fact in a lot of chronic pain patients it doesn't. Still counts especially if your pain prevents you from functioning fully (I'd even argue it qualifies as disability to some extent, but I'm not a medical professional)

Not inflammation (although you can't rule out anything without tests), but like I said, nobody expects, or nobody SHOULD expect patients to know what's going on all the time, and there's no moral failing in visiting a wrong doctor for your pain because all healthcare is trial and error until you figure out the final diagnosis. Showing up to a vaguely correct doctor (or a general physician, if you have one) with a generic "hey there's something wrong, can I get help with it?" isn't malicious at all and is better than self-diagnosing in almost every case.

That said doctors can be and usually are shitty about it, especially chronic pain + misogyny combo (I've been chronically ill + disabled since around 8 years old, and I've only met two to four doctors that actually taken me seriously and gently and didn't shame for being in the state I am), so I totally understand not wanting to go through all that hassle and potential medical trauma lmao.

On that note maybe try looking into over the counter muscle relaxant?

Oh I love what you wrote here!

I never considered this pain a chronic type, but what you're saying is absolutely true, it is just a descriptor for pain that lasts for a long time. I'm sorry if my perspective on it was wrong! It's completely true that chronic pain can be caused and triggered by physical issues.

You're right about doctors too, my doctor seems to just be annoyed with me repeatedly showing up and not getting any better even after being checked out by two physio-specialists. I'll talk about it to her the next time I'm in and see if I can get a referral!

I did get a muscle relaxant medicine, and it does take the pain away temporarily, I will take it if my pain gets irritated (like if I'm in a situation where I have to run a few steps, that will cause me intense pain if I don't take the relaxant afterwards). But it's not something one could safely take for a long time and I ended up having some bad side-effects from it, so I'm mostly avoiding it.

[jwowwsboobs]

max is soooo fucking real for the nasty adidas hightops i have a pair like that too and they r the best shoes in the world..

anyways wanted to ask abt jack. why do u think she was the way she was? like what drove her, etc etc

i love this question and im SOOOOO sorry it took me for fucking EVER to spit this shit out but I had to think abt it. no read more scroll fast idgaf

jacks personality is full of contradictions. she was both impossibly overconfident and self-assured and cripplingly insecure; frighteningly unpredictable while simultaneously seeking stability and working to sabotage it; paranoid of betrayal and abandonment while treating her friends like shit...and all of these things are compounded by her intense and long-lasting (well. comparative long lasting its not like it was a 20, 30, 40+ year...) struggle with substance abuse and unknown, untreated, unacknowledged, whatever, mental illness(es?). I think the simple answer is that she wanted to feel complete and accepted. which she never did! but the long answer...is not quite that simple

jack's parents divorced when she was about 3...growing up she n her mother moved around a lot. i think the longest she n her mother stayed in one city/town was like. 10 months. she was a total tomboy! hated hated hated skirts n dresses. she was always a troublemaker, always very aggressive. she never had many friends growing up cuz she would just suddenly have to leave them, and she eventually figured out that it was easier to just. not make friends with people. had difficulty getting along with peers n got into fights a lot (which continued into her adult life), probably because of that. she never did well in school, likely thanks to her frequent moves and energy/aggression. she never learned to read very well (she was likely more functionally illiterate than truly illiterate but still stands. she cannot read or write very well.)

as she got older, and her peers began expressing interest in "romance" and "boys" and she had no interest in men or whatever (look, I think that any way of trying to put it will sound stupid as shit so bear with me here) it became even more difficult for her to relate to her peers. was she teased for it? probably. did she beat people up over romantic slights? absolutely. but her interest at the time was the emerging heavy metal and (punk) rock and tht took precedence over literally everything else. she got into black sabbath when she was 12/13 n punk thanks to the sex pistols when she was abt 13/14 n motorhead around the same time. motorhead really sparked her love for heavy metal, but venom was her favortie! she started playing guitar after hearing sabbath. with motorhead and punk she found something close the speed and aggression shed been .. not struggling with but feeling I guess, her whole life but it wasn't enough. when she found venom, it was much closer to what she...felt like. but that was 81, 2 months after moving to southern california! in 78 when she found punk and motorhead, she started going to seedy sketchy bars and clubs and parties, joined and quit bands, and started drinking, a habit she was never able to quit. her mom kicked jack out when she was about 15/16 and had dropped out of high school to literally do nothing but practice guitar, and she basically couch surfed on bandmates' couches and at groupies' houses, until eventually moving to southern california and eventually meeting gale. she moved in with gale after joining artery the sumer of '82. and I guess the rest is...not history but covered pretty well elsewhere on this blog! 

but why would she play guitar? why not just do all the drugs available to her and fucking die at 17?

the only reason I can come up with is that she didnt feel like the music was extreme enough to really convey how she felt. she didnt feel that it was fast enough or aggressive enough or frightening enough and decided that she would be the one to bring the speed and extremity to metal! and in doing so that would legitimize her place as a women, and a "closeted" lesbian dyke in metal and she wouldn't feel so...unhappy. so I think thats what drove her. I think eventually she hit a wall and playing guitar just wasn't enough anymore and thats wht killed her. so i would say thats what drove her.

[sideblog-for-vagueposting]

Being in a fandom with a relatively small presence on here is weird sometimes. - Part 1

This is actually why I finally made a sideblog! I thought about trying to vague about this on my main, but a bunch of people from that fandom interact with me regularly and I don't want to risk starting something. (Even if I didn't name the fandom, I've got moots from there who might figure it out.)

I just kind of wanted to mutter into the void about it, you know?

So I follow the tag for this one fandom, right? And there's a lot of good content, so I use the 'follow post' feature pretty often to keep up with interesting conversations, watch art projects progress, wait for someone to reblog that they gave in and started a fic about that one concept we spent two weeks talking about...you get the idea.

The thing is, in a close-knit fandom? If you keep track of things well enough? You can actually find out when someone in there blocks you.

(I mean, I guess you could also notice it if you used to message them and now couldn't, but I'm awkward about starting conversations, so...)

So I made this funny post with a handful of headcanons about some characters one day. And at one point when I go to respond to a mutual's reblog, it turns out that the mutual was responding to someone else's (gonna call them Blog_A) addition. I hadn't seen Blog_A around before, so I try to click on their name, because I'm always down for more fan content in there.

But I get the "Ghost blog!" screen, which didn't make sense, because they clearly just reblogged my post?

I was really curious, so I copied the link and pulled it up in a browser that I wasn't logged in on. Turns out that if you pay for that $5 branding thing on here, people can read through your blog without having to be logged in.

So there I am, scrolling through Blog_A's stuff, and I didn't get why they would've blocked me?

It took a while (because it turns out that they don't actually post much in the fandom), but it turns out that they just have an intense hate boner for this one side character (let's call her X), and I think that might've been why? Best guess I have, anyway.

I was just I'm posting this now because this entire thing has become so much funnier since then.

So allow me to provide the context that makes this humorous.

First of all, basically no one bothers with character bashing in this fandom. Yes Blog_A's complaints about some of X's actions were understandable, but there's more than enough of that to go around here. Nearly every character has made some questionable choices, and I've never come across another fan with a legit hate tag for anyone. You're WAY more likely to find posts that say "You know, I really like this fandom because I can say that I like *insert character who is a villain/antagonist/objectively terrible person* and try to genuinely analyze them without anyone thinking that I condone their shitty, shitty choices. It's nice here."

Secondly, I don't actually post about X that much? I gave her like one line in the headcanon post, and she was only there because I was trying to list a bunch of characters. Anything about her on my main tends to be reblogged from other members of the fandom. I'm not out here writing fics or gushing about her or anything. You know who is? At least six other people that Blog_A is following. God, the irony.

Last and absolute funniest: The very first "X hate" post that Blog_A ever made? It was about this semi-popular ship in the fandom, X/Y. Blog_A strongly dislikes this ship, because they think that Y is a brilliant, wonderful person and that X is a one-dimensional irritant that should die in a fire. Now, this complaint was about the fandom shipping them, because while there had been a moment or two that could hint at something, no one actually thought that there'd be any on-page confirmation. Until recently, when it was not only made official that Y has feelings for X, but what's going on between the two of them is about to have MAJOR impacts on the plot.

FOR THE RECORD: This is NOT meant to be any kind of hate towards this person. I will not be sharing the url or fandom. Blog_A has every right to their opinions, which are hurting Absolutely No One. I just thought this whole thing was really funny and wanted to put it down somewhere.

[mai-melancholia]

30.03.2024: End of the Month! New Month

Context:

I've been dating since I was 16 years old and I've never really had a healthy break in between. I was one of those people who in fact is

and with the recent uprising of these terms that I've come to hear more often (probably because social media is listening to my plights) such as situationships, I'm going to give my two cents on the situation.

*Ahem*

Stop it.

It's not fun. Having your heart played like that, and then after a few dates, the person you're dating is like

"I need to work on myself" or "It's not you, it's me" or "the vibes are off"

Now that isn't to say that ALL people are immature for admitting these things. Absolutely not.

However, the lack of self-awareness that plays into this whole thing of whether or not people are dating for LTR or for pleasure is starting to get mushed together. OR they're dating because they're trying to escape a shame and guilt they felt with their previous relationships (and the funny part is it doesn't even have to be romantic; it can be due to past friendships they've had)

With that being said, this is just based on my experiences of dating, and I was in fact experiencing these feelings of uncertainty.

I think a lot of people are starting to realize that dating is overhyped, and mayhaps it's because it's some American thing, especially with the new terms coming out to describe their romantic preferences AND sexuality preferences. I have personally no qualms of these types of distinction, for I believe these distinctions are important in gaining a better self-understanding of what people want in life.

Now onto the update of my life in this journaling post:

Gym:Yoga:Gym:Yoga:Gym again:Yoga. I've been alternating between the two. Doing full body workouts/exercises and then doing yoga/flexibility/mindfulness the next and so on.

I'm going into my 5th week of therapy and I will say on a scale of 10, 10 being mentally exhausting to the point that you don't want to do anything anymore, 5 being relatively stressful, it's on a good solid 6. However, I will say that my mental resiliency has been improving over the years (which you will not find in the previous journaling).

Group therapy is interesting because there are people who have different walks of life from you and you get to hear their perspective of what they're going through. More importantly, you learn that your pain is universal and that you're not alone. Of course, how you experience the pain is you alone, but the experiences that elicits the pain, you can get insight on how to process it from other people.

There is a part of me that strongly trusts my recovery process. But the majority is dreading it. "Oh I have to go through the recovery from a breakup again." but then it's grappling against "Yeah but you NEVER have been single for a good portion of your life broski."

Listen, it is exhausting. Having to find myself again, find the autonomy, "rebuild" my identity again, and then figuring out, through trial and error, what is "too much" or "too little" in certain things like healing and then having to reframe your thoughts and battle cognitive distortions. My typical schedule is Monday through friday: therrapy in the morning, work in the evening, gym, sleep, do it all over again. Saturday and Sunday are the only days so far that I have any free time to myself. Therapy treatment will last for 8 weeks BUT I will not lie to you that during the first week of therapy treatment, I wanted to run the fuck away from the anxiety because it's like

"Oh it's happening again."

And then

some part of me was just like

"Okay bro, but like... you're going to get anxious no matter what. Like sis. This isn't it. You can't keep avoiding like you did before."

It wasn't until that acceptance that the anxiety, although still lingering, became less intense for me. Like, I'm accepting that when I go to sleep, I'm going to wake up anxious, no matter what I do; I'm going to go outside and something is going to trigger me, no matter what I do; the point is I'm going to feel a type of way when something triggers the shit out of me or reminds me of the previous relationships. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, nor am I forcing myself back to normality or like pretend that the triggers don't upset me, but it sucks even more for me to be afraid of that and avoid everything in life and simply stop attempting to live while recovering from the anxiety.

By no means, am I ignoring my emotions and honestly, I'm tired of doing that to myself. I did that for a good chunk of my life, and it's time that I address my emotions in the respect that I deserve. I'm 27. So you can imagine how much of my life I've been dating if I've started when I was like 16. Maybe even longer.

I'm starting to advocate myself more. And I'll be honest, I'm unsure of when in my entire life, I've ever done that. I've always struggled of doing it but not in the respect or degree that I would deem acceptable.

Cheers to my single life. I care not anymore for dating. If it happens, it happens, but I have no strong urge or pressure from society to do it.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Saint Maud (2019)

Saint Maud is too unsettling and confident to be recognized as a directorial debut. This psychological horror film's scary bits appear briefly and then vanish but their intensity leaves a searing scar into your mind.

Palliative care nurse Maud (Morfydd Clark) has been assigned to Amanda (Jennifer Ehle). A recent convert to Roman Catholism, Maud becomes convinced that God has brought her and Amanda together so she can save her patient's soul.

Saint Maud explores several types of horror. Maud believes physical pain brings her closer to her heavenly father. We can tell by the various scars on her body. It’s an unsettling precursor to a scene where she takes push pins and - well, I don’t want to give it away but suffice it to say you'll want to look away. Here’s the thing. Maud doesn't fear pain. She does punish herself willingly - something we see as irrational. We’re the ones whose buttons are being pushed so there's an uneasy separation between her and us. Another fear on display is the fear of death. Amanda is terminally ill with stage four lymphoma. In a rare moment of honesty, she confides in Maud and admits she’s terrified of what comes after this life. To Maud, this is an irrational fear. She knows what happens after you die. The strange thing is that the audience is likely to find themselves dreading the self-inflicted punishments of Maud more than Amanda’s inevitable death. Now who's being irrational?

Other aspects of Amanda and/or Katie’s lives that make you squirm include their past actions coming back to haunt them and unresolved traumas. Neither Amanda nor Maud are particularly good people. Maud may have good intentions but she’s possessive, she imposes herself on others, she’s quick-tempered and judgmental. She’s also young and naive. Amanda is manipulative and cruel. In a typical movie, you’d know how to feel about both these people. Writer/director Rose Glass leaves these people's roles in the story deliberately ambiguous. Most uncertain of all is Maud. There’s something going on with her. At first, you think maybe she’s got a physical condition that causes her to react to prayer the way she does; that she’s confusing a different kind of physical ecstasy for a holy presence. Later on, we see that she's no stranger to sex. Either she’s lying to herself so convincingly that she’s re-wired her own brain or she’s actually feeling something no else is. There’s a third possibility as well and to me, this was the scariest one.

What if you were someone who believed strongly in a greater power? What if you desperately wanted to see "a sign"? What if you were also mentally ill? Not ill enough for people to send you to the mental ward; just enough to seem normal until people got up close. Even then, you’d still have a good enough grip on your mind for people to say “they’re just one of THOSE church people” rather than become concerned. How would you ever know if there was actually something wrong with you? Anyone you'd turn to would either say you're absolutely nuts - which would make you think they just "don't get it". The rest would congratulate you for being chosen by heaven, which would be great… unless your visions (or other heavenly signs) were merely caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. You’d be trapped in a prison of your own making because you connected the dots in a way that wasn’t meant to.

Saint Maud is an incoming storm. There’s nothing you can do to stop it and you’re too curious to turn away. It’s completely unpredictable. Just when you think you’ve got some aspect of it figured out, something unexpected comes to knock you off your feet. The conclusion is so good, so unsettling you’ll need a long time to process it and thinking about what it meant only makes you more unnerved. There is one point towards the last third, where it takes things too far and adds some uncomfortable sexual material to the mix. It fits with the rest of the film but derails the viewer's attention from the main ideas explored. It's really the only blemish you could single out, as the performances are exceptional and the scares approach the "traumatic" level.

There’s so much to say about the writing that there’s almost no way you can allocate sufficient brain power to analyze the film’s other technical aspects. You recognize the score, performances and cinematography as great but you’re hypnotized by the film as a whole. It’s so bleak I can’t imagine anyone watching Saint Maud for fun but it also compels you to return to it. (June 11, 2021)

[jungkookstatts]

"You're Sick, Baby,"

[Summary]: You know you’re sick, you really do. But your life doesn’t call for a day of pampering because of a small cold. However, your boyfriend, Jungkook, is determined to convince you otherwise.

[Theme]: Non-Idol!AU, Established relationship!AU

[Rating]: 1078% fluff

[Word Count]: 1,078

[Author’s Note]: I wrote this so long ago. I hope you enjoy the fluff during this bitter winter season!

[Masterlist] [Taglist]

“You’re sick,”

“I’m not,”

“You are,”

“I’m not,”

Jungkook places the back of his hand of your forehead and sighs. You shove his hand away in retaliation.

“You’re sick, baby,”

“I’m not sick, Kook!” You whine before ripping the covers off your body, ready to take a shower and get your day started. But Jungkook does not allow this. He pulls the covers back over you before you even have the chance to sit up.

“Y/n, your forehead is burning, your lips are pale, and don’t act like I didn’t hear you getting up all night last night to go sneeze and blow your nose. You’re sick, babe.”

Jungkook attempts to tuck you back in, but you’re having none of it. You know your boyfriend is right and that you’re not feeling well, but you have things to do. Time waits for no one, and neither does money.

“Kook, I want to shower,” you complain.

“Of course baby. I’ll run you a bath and make you some tea.” he says with a smile.

“Babe, I said I want to shower,”

“Hm, no. ‘Cause I know you’re planning on going to work after.”

“Jungkook, I have bills to pay.”

“You’re gonna have more bills to pay if you go – hospital bills.”

You attempt to chuckle at his response, but it comes out as a rough cough and a few sniffles.

“You’re over-exaggerating, Jungkook. It’s just a cold. I’ll live.”

He just smiles at you before kissing you on the forehead. He grabs your hands and massages the tops of them with his thumbs, seeing right through your strong exterior. You hate how he knows you so well.

“I’m not over-exaggerating. You’re sick, babe. You can’t go to work. It’ll just get worse if you do,” he says, looking into your tired eyes. Jungkook’s heart hurts for you. You’ve been together for two years now, but it wasn’t until recently that he asked you to move in with him. Seeing you so low on energy over the past few days made his heart ache; your little coughs and sneezes not making his concern any less intense. “C’mon, baby. Let me take care of you.”

Honestly, Jungkook had already won you over. As much as you need to go to work, you also need to take care of your health. Not only that, but Jungkook’s pampering has turned you to absolute mush. He’s so stubborn when it comes to you, and it makes your heart swoon in affection for him. You want him to take care of you. Something about him wanting to care for you and you wanting the same makes your relationship feel all the more real — all the more true. The more time you spend with him, the more love you grow for him. Moments like these you hold so close.

“...Okay,” you sigh (with a sniffle) in defeat.

Jungkook does an internal happy dance, which you can see straight through his black eyes as he kisses your forehead again. “I’ll go run the bath. Do you want vanilla or rose bath salts?”

“Vanilla,” you smile. “I love you,”

“I love you, too,” he says, coming in for a kiss. You stop him with your index finger on his lips, giggling at the way his eyebrows furrow and his hand holds yours tighter at your refusal.

“Don’t kiss me. You’ll get what I have,” you explain, pushing some of his dark brown hair out of his face.

“We slept in the same bed,” he argues, going back in for a kiss. But you turn your head from him, leaving you in small laughs as Jungkook kisses your cheek instead.

“You’re torturing me,” he says before giving your cheek another kiss.

“Mmhm,” you hum as Jungkook sits up from his spot beside you.

“Don’t worry so much about money, baby. It’s for one or two days, and if longer than that, then we’ll figure something out. We’re in this together, yeah?”

Jungkook caresses your cheek with his palm, flashing you a sweet, close-lipped smile.

“...Okay,” you agree, feeling the weight of your sickness taking over you as you stare into his eyes. What a persuader.

Somewhere between the moment Jungkook caressed your cheek and the moment he left to run your bath, time completely slipped away from you. It feels like you’ve taken a nap for thirteen hours and are suffering the consequences of a sleep hangover because of it.

The feeling of your boyfriend’s soft hands gently shakes you awake, his voice laced with honey telling you that your bath is ready. And then, it all comes back to you. Were you really only sleeping for 20-or-so minutes?

“Wake up, love. Your bath is ready,” he whispers to you.

“No,” you groan, sinking yourself more into the mattress. The weight of sickness feels much heavier now than it did before you took your little nap. Doing anything besides sleeping is not on your agenda right now.

“‘No’? Why not?” your boyfriend gently chuckles at your retaliation. You look so cute, even when you're sick. He is entirely infatuated with you.

“Tired,”

“You can sleep in the bath,” he compromises. “C’mon, baby,”

Jungkook slides an arm underneath your legs and another underneath your shoulders as he lifts you up. The blankets fall from your body and Jungkook internally screams at the way you cuddle closer to him for warmth.

“It’s cold,” you sniffle into his chest as he walks the two of you over to your shared bathroom.

“You’ll be warm soon, I promise,” Jungkook swears, placing your feet on the floor of the bathroom. He gently caresses your face as he slowly zips the front of your jacket down.

You shimmy the rest of your clothes off as Jungkook holds your weak body. He guides you to the bath and leads you in, holding your hand the entire time, letting you know he’s there for you to lean your weight on.

“There’s tea with honey in it to your right. Take your time in here, okay?” he whispers affectionately to you, kissing your bare shoulder.

Your heart swells at his words, your heartstrings brutally plucked by him. You love this man so much. What in the world did you do to deserve him?

“Jungkook, I love you,” you tell him.

“I love you, too,” he smiles, kissing your forehead one last time before walking away to leave you in all that he has done to prove it.

----

[End. Do not copy. Original work of @jungkookstatts , 2023]