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rosetyler42 · 6 months ago

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1. No, not really. Simon and James are on the fat side because of genetics, although they do both have very loving families, and Simon's family is particularly well-off. Though I would not call either one spoiled. Billie, I was trying to make more square-y as she's a computer program, and kind of ended up looking like Sadness, which fits her character.

2. I don't think so. Billie might be read that way as she kinda has a similar physique and personality to Sadness, which has some of the "being fat = sad and unwanted, disliked" and has been through alot of bad things in life that lead to her reserved and shy persona. Though she's been fat since her programming. And Simon is also shy and reserved with a bit of angst to him, including body image issues due to being different from the rest of the family and some fatphobia (though to be fair, discrimination is a big point of HT. And this angst is also part of where his "Beware the quiet ones" badassery comes in.) Though James doesn't really. Then again, he is less fat than the others. However, none are villains or particularly portrayed as ugly or unhealthy particularly.

3. Most of my fat characters are that way through genetics or because I just didn't see that many characters like that. Not much thought beyond that, really.

4. Alot of my OCs are ship children, and I based their body types off their parents or families. I have a number of OCs that either have eyeglasses or will probably have them some point in the future, although not many other physically disabled ones unfortunately. Simon, James, and Billie are the fattest. Meg and Lucy are probably the thinnest. Lily's somewhat curvy.

5. I think so! I've done a wide variety of different characters in my art!

6. Like I said, I have some with glasses or who will probably need them in the future. Alex has glasses (sometimes) and Lily does too. Lily in particular is kind of a break from the "Freckle faced nerdy scientist can't be attractive" idea. But I tend to have more ND characters than physically disabled characters, probably in part because I am (mostly) physically abled myself and the characters I was working with were too.

7. Depends. Lucy, for example, has a buck tooth fangy overbite, large cheeks, ovular eyes, a largish round nose, wavy hair, somewhat warm complexion...and yet she's quite cute and has a goofy charm to her. Simon had dark rings around his eyes and a big body with largish ears, but he doesn't look particularly ugly. Billie is smol and dumpy, but looks cute. Lily has glasses, freckles, and a giant messy ponytail, and yet she looks cool and badass. Connie and Lizzie also have messy hair, too. Connie even has freckles. Aaron has braces as a pre-teen I think. Meg's thin and blue with a giant head, yet she looks pretty cool. Even James, probably one of my weirdest looking OCs with that Penguin/Uncle Fester body that Gru has, has an appealing look to him.

8. I try to. In my OCs, the most ethnic I've done aside from white is Jewish and Chinese, all of whom are mixed race with white or something else. I have drawn black and Hispanic characters as well, though. Thankfully, none of my designs have been called disrespectful yet.

9. Much of the time, I'm trying to blend the characteristics of two characters when making shipchild OCs. For example: Lucy has a somewhat largish nose because I was trying to mix some of Ericka's facial characteristics with Drac's, and he has a large nose. Her brother has a smaller nose because I based his face partly more off Ericka's but with a point like his dad's. Lucy has somewhat pointed ears because her dad had pointed ears, while mom's were rounded, and she's the one who ends up with her dad's vampire powers. She's a bit warmer because I wanted to hide more who the vampire would be and wanted to make sure Simon and Lucy had a good mix of traits from each parent. Lucy has brown wavy hair because Ericka's is curly and blonde, Drac's is straight and black, and I wanted to differentiate it from Mavis' straight black hair. Simon's is curly and blonde because I based him on Normie Pubert. Lucy is more wild and crazy while Simon's shy and reserved, but Lucy gets her personality partly from her non-Jewish mother and there are other characters around that AREN'T like this. Simon's also athletic and secretly the more dangerous of the two due to "Beware the quiet ones" while Lucy actually tends to be the "Looks like she coult kill you, actually a cinnamon roll" type. They're sort of an Ian and Barley dynamic: Wild + crazy and Shy and reserved with the braver one being very supportive of the shy one and bringing him out of his shell while the shy one is the brave one's braincell. Lizzie and Jaren, on the other hand...they got black hair because Jake's black hair trumps Rose's blonde. They probably are a bit more white passing than Jake or Haley since Jake is mixed race Chinese and Rose is white. Their eyes are probably a bit rounder, but ypu can still see the ancestry there. Provably both have brown eyes, for example. Jaren does have a thing for his asian heritage and does well in school similarly to mom, and Lizzie has her dad's old dragon skateboard. But neither of them are what I'd call like, geniuses. Lizzie's a wild skateboarder partier like her dad, Jaren's more quiet and reserved like mom. For Aaron and Connie, Aaron I gave a jewish name that fit the "Un stoppable" pun. Connie has freckles from both sides. She has messy hair like her dad due to having a similar personality, but Aaron's more slicked up like mom and the Tweebs. Connie is kinda a similar goofy klutz to her dad, though Aaron's more a good natured capable athletic like his mom. Ron kinda doesn't have as much of the stereotypical ethnic things going on with him aside from the goofy little guy sidekick thing. Lily, well, aside from the name there's the black jessy hair like her dad's and freckles. She's got her mom's sass and her dad's intelligence and ego from both sides, but there's a softer, dorkier side too. And I do try and research as well. Thankfully I don't think any of them really hit the negative stereotypes that much, I don't think.

10. I did kinda mix Shego's aesthetic into Lily, partly because we rarely get to see female mad scientists BE cool and sexy. Often they're portrayed as more nerdy if done at all. But at the same time, her look is very practical. Her lab coat looks good on her, but it looks like a lab coat. Just with her mom's harliquen pattern and a Supreme one Cape. She's got glasses and freckles and her hair's done up in a giant ponytail, but she makes mad science look good. That said, she's NOT promiscuous. She's generally more focused on science and villainy than finding a BF (though I did used to ship her with a friend's OC.)

Lucy kinda gets an honorable mention. She's a bit more on the thin side, but has a bit of her mom's curviness in there. She's a female vamp like her half sister, and her mother had a femme fatale aesthetic, so she's got some of that. Charm, Elegance and grace kinda go with the vampire territory a little bit. And unlike her nephew, she can hypnotize. But while she has the charm and dramatics, she's not your usual sexy vamp and indeed probably would dislike the rep her species gets. I've considered making her aspec. She's more a mischievious chaos gremlin than a seductress.

11. Simon kind of is. Though I feel it's more about the discrimination people of different body types can face and how that affects them...which since he's from HT which HAS a big anti-discrimination moral, it makes sense. I HAVE compared him to bees (big and stripey) and Ericka does call him her little potato baby affectionately. However, I also associate him with Guppies, piranhas, sharks, and sea monsters. He does have a fascination with Krakens, but that's because A. He thinks they're neat and B. I thought it'd be funny since his Great Great Grandpa released a kraken for monster genocide, that he'd actually have a genuine interest in learning about them. (Plus, it plays back to Wednesday having a fascination with Death at Sea and the Bermuda Triangle.) However, he also likes Gillmen, Creatures from the Black Lagoon, Loch Ness Monster, Sea Serpents and the like. Billie's had less to do with her appearance, and what I can remember I gave her pokemon like an Alolan Vulpix and an Absol. As for James...the fattest association I can think of for him is a Minion and perhaps a Hypno, though that was because of the nose.

12. Actually I'd say a number of my thin characters AREN'T what I'd call conventionally attractive. Lily has glasses and freckles and a giant messy ponytail, Lucy has a goofy look and fangy overbite. Meg has a ginormous head and thin little body. Connie is messy haired and freckled and, like Ron, kind of a slob. She does look similar to Kim but definitely isn't as conventionally attractive. Some are. Aaron, Rrod, Jaren, Jackred, Zed, but...many aren't. Most of MY personal favorites aren't what I would call conventionally attractive. Lucy has somewhat small-ish boobs as her body is kind of a mix between Mavis and Ericka's. Lily has somewhat wide-ish shoulders as she kinda got some of her dad's "Black widow" figure. None of them are related to poor health or eating disorders, though.

13. I guess that depends on your definition of masculine. I tend to like the softer, quieter, more innocent, more intelligent and nice type guys rather than the stereotypical big burly never-shows-emotion-besides-aggression hypersexual types. Those are the kind of guys I grew up around. Which isn't OUR society's view of masculinity, but is in some cultures. I do tend to dress them in shirts and pants and short hair but...I tend to wear shorts and pants and have short hair, and I'm a girl. My boy characters have a mix of feminine and masculine interests, I feel like. I also tend to, in ship children, like to try and flip where normally the boy kids are like dad and the girl kids are like mom, I tend to make the guy kids like mom and the girl ones like dad. I wouldn't say any of mine are weak. They're often cool or badass in their own ways. I do tend to have mine rely on OTHER advantages than merely physical strength. My guys tend to be more brains than brawn compared to convention. But that's partly because....we don't SEE that as much. We don't SEE alot of guys who are more brains than brawn. We don't SEE alot of innocent cinnamon roll guys. We don't SEE alot of guys who get to be soft and gentle and sensitive without them being seen as wimps or somehow being less of a guy for it. We don't SEE alot of guys who take after mom, and being a mama's boy is seen as a bad thing while being a daddy's girl is seen as cute amd sweet. Probably one reason against making Simon Bi is perpetuating this idea that "if you're like this, you must be gay" but then again, we never see any shy Bi people, either. And if I make him aspec, not only would that be close to his dad...but that might be seen as infantalizing.

14. Similar deal with the boys. Many of my girls are chaos gremlins or have large egos and ambitions beyond Romance, which isn't typical. And a number have a mix of feminine and masculine interests. My most butch one is Meg. She's loud and chaotic and a crazy eccentric mad scientist because her dad's like that (and to a certain extent, mom too.) And Lucy's one of my most femme ones, and she's wild and chaotic and eccentric too in her own way. Lily's a mad scientist, but has long hair, feminine glasses, has long black nails, and looks good in her lab coat/villain wear. And she's one of my most ambitious characters, wanting to take over the world one day. Meg's a super heroine. Susan's an adventurer. Lucy's brave and sassy and adventurous like her mom was. Connie's a powerful klutzy goofball who likes Cuddlebuddies and snacking at Bueno Nacho. As a wild ADHD girl myself who's good at math and science and is something of a tomboy and has had many awesome GNC women around me growing up, I feel like my girls are pretty progressive.

Just a moment, survey yourself.

Body diversity edition

[READ B4 COMMENTING: Not all of these are automatically negative by simply existing, and some questions can have very nuanced answers that can't simply be summer up as "Thing: bad. Stop." I'm making this so you can keep yourself aware and reflective on what you do, and encouraging you to learn, diversify and be on the lookout for anything sketchy. You're not automatically a bad person if some of these apply to you, however just be wary of how. Lack of diversity is a design problem. And it can be improved! You can improve! Not everyone starts out knowing everything and many of these can simply be bc someone really just didn't know. That's okay. Don't start stressing, take it like a champ and think how you can work with the situation. Thank you]

- Have you noticed that the characters you make fat have usually if not always something to do with either greed, materialism, their love of food, or eating, or being spoiled?

- Are you using fatness in character design to communicate something unpleasant? Why? Does it really have to be represented or tied to fatness, or are you just used to seeing fat be presented as negative and ugly in media?

- "Why is this character fat?" Why is this character not? Why is this character thin? Do we really need to justify the existence of fat characters in some way? Fat people in real life simply exist. There can be reasons someone is fat, but that doesn't define them. There isn't always some "cause", but regardless of if there is, that shouldn't impact their right to be here and live their lives same as everyone else.

- Could this character design be made more interesting or distinct if you gave them a different body type? Does the vast majority of your characters have the same weight, body proportions and physical abilities? Is there a concrete reason why you make your designs have such similar body types? Is it really out of story purposes, or are you just unable to think about your designs in other physiques?

- Do you know how to draw different body types in general? Have you taken the time to practice and learn? Any art style can depict a variety of body types, it's not a question of fitting, it's a question of the artist's skill to adapt. That can be learned and honed. Yes, you too can learn.

- How many of your characters have physical disabilities? Is the amount simply tied to the fact that you hadn't thought to add any? Disability is also something you can learn more about and then apply to your stories. Yes, even if you're abled.

- Are you only drawing characters a certain way because you think the other alternatives are ugly? Why? And why shouldn't you learn to draw ugly things too? Do you really think these things are ugly, or are you just not used to seeing it? Ugly traits in character designs isn't a bad thing. But it is bad to give your character traits you deem ugly, in order to present them in a negative light. Real people out there have these traits you think ugly. Ugliness doesn't make someone a bad person.

- Do you know how to appropriately draw various ethnic traits? Do you avoid drawing certain traits because you have a bad impression of the ethnicity? Are the traits you consider ugly, actually just traits different ethnicities have? Do you avoid drawing racial diversity out of inexperience, or are you just nervous to make a mistake? These things can also be learned. Yes, even if you're white.

- Do you assign your ethnic looking characters certain traits simply because you associate this ethnicity with them? Is this backed up by any research, or are you relying on stereotypes that mainstream media always leans on? Are you aware of stereotypes, or harmful biases?

- Do you only draw curvy bodies for sexual or otherwise appearance based reasons? Do you notice yourself portraying curvy characters more sexually simply because of their body type, instead of something related to the character? Do you automatically make your promiscuous and sexual characters a specific body type? Why? Why not some other one? Why can't another body type be sexually attractive?

- In the case of fat characters, are they usually if not always linked to themes that are associated with fatness? Are all your fat mermaids whales or octopi? Why can't cute catgirls be fat? Do you give your fat characters associations with pigs, cows, or other fat animals? Do you do it with all of them? Are you aware of reductive tropes that implicitly reinforce negative stereotypes?

- Do you portray thin characters in a normal way? Do you have thin characters with small boobs, narrow hips, wide shoulders, bulky jaws or protruding features? Do you portray thin characters as anything other than conventionally attractive? Do you intend your thin characters to always look attractive? Do you only portray thinness in relation to poor health? Eating disorders? A character's health isn't always dictated by their body type. Fat people can be healthy, or have eating disorders just the same as thin people.

- Do you always make your male characters traditionally masculine? Are they often muscular or square shaped automatically? Do you portray fat male characters as either comedic or gross? Are you (intentionally or not) saying something about your male characters through how masculine (or not) they are? What? And why? How do you portray feminine male characters? Are they always portrayed as more sexual, innocent or weak? Why? Do you think this could (intentionally or not) say something negative about these characters? Do you infantilize male characters based on certain traits? Their ethnicity, body shape and size, or sexuality?

- Do you always make your female characters feminine? Do they always have only specific traits and body types? Why? Do you automatically portray masculine women as more aggressive, loud or mean? Why? And why don't you do this in comparison to your feminine women? Are you (intentionally or not) often putting masculine women in a negative role in the story? Why? Did you intend this when designing them? Do you give masculine traits to female characters who are meant to be seen as bad? Even if not intended, is there still a harmful pattern in how you do this?

#character design #important

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roguemonsterfucker · 2 years ago

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So I know myself, and that i keep strict limits on the amount of animals i can house via mammal, fish, bird, ect

And i get how just one more can be really tempting

What id like to know is, when was the point you realized there was a problem? Cause my best guess would be the point where it's physically impossible to ensure everyones needs are met, or financially? Or another option?

Also, which animals did you find the 'easiest' to hoard? Not that they were easy, but like, acquiring more and more on accident?

Thank you for talking about your experiences 🥺💕

Rats were the only animal I was really *hoarding* and that was mostly because I was breeding them and not giving any away.

What id like to know is, when was the point you realized there was a problem?

I knew I had a hoarding problem even before I started breeding rats, but it was manageable because I was hoarding short lived pets for the most part and only had a few longer lived ones. I've been calling myself an animal hoarder for years. It just never got to that bad of a point before the rat breeding (which lasted from late 2018 to early 2021 I think).

I always knew it was a problem. Even as I was breeding, I knew I was hoarding them. But it was fine. I had a plan for taking care of all of them.

Except I forgot I'm mentally ill and physically disabled.

Let me own up to something: I didn't stop hoarding rats because I knew it was bad to hoard rats. I stopped because they weren't fun anymore.

In breeding rats, I ruined the keeping of them for myself. It just... wasn't fun. I didn't like having rats anymore.

I know that doesn't reflect well on me but hey, it means I'm not hoarding them anymore so yay? 😅

Also, which animals did you find the 'easiest' to hoard? Not that they were easy, but like, acquiring more and more on accident?

All animals are pretty easy for me to get on accident. I walk into petsmart and see a mouse looking at me. I have a new mouse! I walk into petco and see a lonely feeder rat. New rat! I see a betta fish in a tiny cup. Time to set up a fish tank! I see a pair of parakeets looking sad at the store. Bird time!

But of course the rats ended up being the easiest to acquire because I was breeding them. And they were always my main passion. I loved rats with all my heart and I loved getting new ones, learning their personalities, and teaches them tricks. Getting new rats at pet stores was SO FUCKING FUN. I loved it.

Breeding didn't hold any of the same joy as getting rats from a pet store. I loved the genetics (i'm obsessed with genetics) and I loved raising them from babies but breeding didn't even satisfy part of my hoarders brain so even when I was breeding, for a bit, I STILL was getting rats from Petco lol.

Maybe I'll go into more detail about why breeding ruined rat keeping for me in another post sometime. Hopefully that kinda answers your questions? Sorry for the long rambles!

(I ended up deleting a big chunk of what i wrote because it wasn't relevant so hopefully this all still makes sense without it)

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itsme-mrdeadman · 4 years ago

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dps headcanons I have; but they're sad :(

-CW for like,, dark sad stuff

-Neil kinda always knew he was gay, but in a "i hate myself so much i'm gonna repress it so deeply" kind of way

-he and Charlie had a thing for each other at one point but nothing was ever really done about it. they were both able to tell though

-Charlie tried to make a move, but Neil panicked at left. they never rly talked about it again, but it was always kinda looming there

-Charlie knew Neil liked Todd, and had planned to talk to him about it and tell him that he loved him(as a friend) no matter what and that it was okay if he was queer

-obviously he didn't get the chance

-he felt like he always had to be the stable, funny friend, especially after he met Todd and saw how anxious and not okay he was

-after he confessed about feeling trapped to Mr. Keating, he felt like he was burdening him because his father always made him feel like a burden if he talked about how he was feeling

-They all have at least some internalized homophobia(it being the 50's and all)

-Neil is terrified of physical contact due to it, and purposely avoids being touchy with people

-Cameron is deep in the closet. Like deep in the closet. He was always taught that being gay was wrong, and therefore always hated anything that made him "feel gay", and as a result cannot express emotions properly and lets it all bottle up until he explodes

-He tries so hard to follow the rules because he was only ever shown any sign of love when he was 'the perfect son'

-Charlie is extremely insecure and depressed, but hides it with jokes because he thinks that he needs to be there for everyone all the time

-he's also very impulsive and hates himself for it

-his parents were probably mentally unstable and he always had to take care of them and fend for himself, which is why he's so caring for his friends

-he was so upset and traumatized when Neil died, but refused to address it because he felt like Todd needed him to be ok. This is what lead him to punch Cameron

-Todd's brother, Jeffery, killed himself about a year before he started at Welton(that's why he switched), and he was the one who found him

-he blames himself, and his parents put even more pressure on him to be like Jeffery

-he has extreme survivor's guilt, and thinks that his parents wished it was him

-Neil broke him out of his shell, but also made him start appreciating life, and think about his future positively

-he had wanted to tell Neil that he liked him before the play, but Neil had said "after :)" and hugged him

-after seeing him preform, he made the decision that he was going to kiss him that night, but them Mr. Perry showed up and, you know

-when Neil died he completely broke, he didn't speak to anyone for a very long time, and he gave up on almost everything

-his parents finally noticed something was up over spring break, and even though they didn't understand, they also didn't want to loose him, and pulled him out of Welton

-Meeks does love school and learning or whatever, but he was one of the "smart kids" when he was young, and only ever got praise from being good at school

-that's why he helps everyone with their schoolwork, because he thinks the only reason they like him is because he's smart

-His parents do love him, but they're always like "Look at our boy! He's so smart!" and it made him feel that if he wasn't always the best at everything they wouldn't love him

-Pitts has a learning disability(s) and was constantly made to feel dumb as a kid, and has extremely low self esteem because of it, but he's like really smart. Like genius level

-him and Meeks are so close because Meeks used to help him with school work, and he would help Meeks with science stuff. They both love music and bonded over it

-they both like each other and it's obvious, but they're both too insecure to make a move

-so when Meeks goes to war and dies, Pitts hates himself for not stopping him and thinks that it's all his fault

-Knox is really afraid of the fact that he might like men, so he goes out of his way for really unattainable girls(like Chris) to hide his feelings, and ends up hurting them a lot

-He hates himself for it, but he's very possessive/obsessive over people, but when he finally gets them, he leaves them because he doesn't know how to maintain stability in his life

-him and Chris broke up almost immediately after Neil died, and even though he'd been the one to call it off, he hated himself because he thought that he'd ruined it

-Charlie was his rock at Welton, and kept him from wrecking all of his relationships, but when he got expelled he freaked out and started getting angry at everyone all the time

-he dropped out of Welton and moved when he got mad over something small, which triggered a fight between all the remaining poets

-they all blamed themselves for Neil's death because they all thought that they could have done more

-none of them moved passed this. they carried the guilt with them for the rest of their lives

-Todd did become an english teacher

- but he got depressed really quickly because his students all reminded him of the poets in different ways

-he was terrified that something like Neil would happen again and he quit

-all of them died young. they never truly got to make up with each other

#dead poets society #todd anderson #neil perry #charlie dalton #knox overstreet #steven meeks #gerard pitts #richard cameron #anderperry #dead poets society hc #dps headcanons #they dont get to be happy bc gay ppl are never happy #rip neil perry #maybe im projecting #ok yeah im projecting #a little too much

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krisiverse · 4 years ago

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Hey I’m the anon who sent the amputee fic, first of all thank you for letting me know. I must say I never saw it that way and I’m so sorry about that, that was callous of me and I know better now. I think I still don’t fully understand the severity of it, but I will try to educate myself better about it. The author probably didn’t mean it that way either but ah... it’s not our place. I’m really sorry it caused distress, I just really love angst and I love seeing how characters respond to pressure, so I was blinded. Again, my sincerest apologies. Also sorry to kip for sending it in in the first place.

If I may ask, what are some things to avoid when writing a disabled character? Does this mean we shouldn’t do canon character amputee aus? For future reference. I feel awful, I’d like to avoid making this mistake again.

(Sorry I sent this on kip’s blog but I wanted to make sure it reached you so I sent it here too because I really want to learn, feel free to simply reply there instead)

Hi it’s me again haha, ah forgive my ignorance but allow me to elaborate. From my understanding, the author made him independent, not helpless and didn’t need to be coddled. And I did think there would be a grieving and adjustment period after, realistically.

Throughout, I didn’t pity him at all since he figured out a new way of life. The prosthetic wasn’t perfect, it was heavy so he’d still have to work with that... I’m sure my ignorance is obscuring my view but I just wanted to let you know this is how I saw it...;;v;; but please do enlighten me on how this could’ve been done better.;;v;;

hi okay! so first things first for anyone else reading this, here is the fic i was uncomfortable about, and here is the ask i sent to kip @botwstoriesandsuch regarding it

second, i wanna say thank you for asking and trying to learn better and be respectful! and before i get into the problems i saw with the fic itself I'll say though i am disabled, i'm not an amputee and i'm definitely not a final authority of any sort, nor am i trying to call anyone out. i'm just trying to say what i personally felt was iffy about it.

you can write fics involving disability but it's important to do it respectfully, which imo the OP of the fic did not. and like you said it isn't because of any sort of malice on their part, they just didn't know any better, which is understandable! when i was first reading it i couldn't really tell what about it made me uncomfortable either, it was only after spending some time thinking about it that i figured out what exactly it was.

but okay let's get into this! essentially my problem with the fic is the way it frames disability as this enormous tragedy you can never fully recover from, which is just simply not true? obviously there will be an adjustment period, but it's just that: a period of time you take to adjust and adapt to your new circumstances. having revali do nothing but sit around and feel bad about himself for YEARS until getting his prosthetic is... unrealistic, not true to his character, and frankly insulting. I find it really difficult to believe that revali, who was constantly pushing himself to perfect his Gale despite failing repeatedly and having feathers torn out of his body by using it, would just... give up? not try to learn to use a bow by using a foot instead of an arm (which i know people can do irl, and it would be easier with rito's more prehensile feet) and he wouldn't try to learn to use a one-handed throwing weapon as a replacement, a spear, a boomerang, throwing knives, ANYTHING?

not to mention the end of the fic, where he's surprised by a prosthetic he'd stated he didn't want, by his abled friends because Clearly They Know Better :). like... he should have had a say in it. he deserves a say in it, he shouldn't be pressured by these people who are "helping" him, like i KNOW he was doing badly before that but goddamn all that's going to do is add more trust issues. and then all the struggle and difficulties of HAVING a prosthetic are just glossed over, like it just fixes everything? i mean... he says it's heavy, but it's framed as more of a complaint than an actual ISSUE, you know? he doesn't even have trouble flying, which he SHOULD considering he's off balance and hasn't been able to fly in years and i just. gah. for a fic that's about revali it sure doesn't focus much on what he's going through apart from the way it affects OTHERS, which is a recurring issue with disabilities both mental and physical, and it's basically just "revali is mean and sad and then he gets a prosthetic and it's all better :)" which is NOT HOW IT WORKS!! it's not how it works.

and there's a bunch of stuff in the writing about revali not being helpless and not wanting people to pity him but the structure of the fic and the things they show... just doesn't support that? i mean the number one thing disabled people do is adapt, because we can and we HAVE to, and you're gonna tell me that the great warrior revali can't use a spoon one-handed. and he's going to spend years just wallowing in his depression. ok.

but yeah uhh i hope that clears up the gripes i had about it!! to be clear i'm not mad at you or the author i'm just... kinda tired bc i see this So Much. disabled people aren't useless, or tragic, we just... exist. and obviously there are things we can't do, and we need help sometimes, but we DON'T need abled people to swoop in and "save" us oh my god.

anyway you asked for tips on how to write disabled characters, and i don't know if i have any general tips offhand but i do have a couple things that this particular fic could have done better? specifically revali ought to have had more agency, again i can't stress enough how Bad the trope of "fixing" things for a disabled person is, not to mention the fact that he... can still... do things? tbh i feel like it'd fit him more to, at the start, very aggressively try to find Things He Can Still Do and throw himself into them as hard as he can, so hard he gets hurt in the process. he'd still refuse pity (and any help at all, at first) but he can slowly come to learn that accepting help when you need to isn't a weakness, it's a strength, and no one sees him as less capable now (and if they did, the other champions would have Words for him.) The journey should be around him learning to accept his disability as a part of him, and learning to accept help from others, and IF a prosthetic came into the picture it should be by his choice and his choice alone.

but yeah! thank you for reading this to anyone who got this far, and i would really like to hear other opinions about it

#feel free to send the author this post if you want! just... don't frame it as a callout or as Hi You Did This Irredeemable Bad Thing #bc it's not #anyway uhhh #discourse #< tagging for filtering purposes #long post #rez replies

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afoolforatook · 4 years ago

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On fandom and tragic romance tropes, from someone who's lived it.

Okay, this is kind of…. Idk a very specific vent and tbh one I feel kinda bad about because I genuinely don’t want to make people feel bad for liking reading/writing romantic angst or tragedy and it’s really less of an individual issue than an overall attitude in fandom.

Like, it’s absolutely okay to like not happy endings, and angst doesn’t have to just be for cathartic relief. Angst isn’t only acceptable if it’s to process trauma, you’re allowed to like it just because that’s your taste.

But at the same time…. I can’t help but have very personal feelings about how a lot of fandom spaces treat tragic romance tropes…

(this got really long but... it's something I've wanted to address for a long time)

I'm far from secretive with the fact that when I was 20, my girlfriend Emma (19) was killed in a car crash, along with her younger brother, mother, and aunt, and that a lot of my art and writing is purposefully about processing and accepting that grief. Fandom has been a very important part of how I’ve gotten through the last five years, which I’ll get into a bit more in a minute, but tbh it’s also been a lot harder navigating fandom and especially anything ship-related since Emma died, because of how people tend to romanticize a character tragically losing a partner.

And honestly, it’s not just fandom, it’s media in general. And mainstream media focus on tragic sob stories, shock factor, and BYG tropes is definitely a big part of the problem.

But as much as fandom pushes against mainstream overuse of such tropes, there is a good portion of fandom that falls into the same type of issue. And not just ‘fandom’ in the usual sense, but literary communities, poetry, etc…

The amount of times I see stories or prompts about characters tragically losing their partner, and that being the climax of the story, and then next to nothing about that character actually navigating their grief or being able to eventually start a new relationship or just be happy is just…. It makes me feel physically ill.

Like, people saying how tragic love stories are more interesting than happy endings. Or seeing a post about tragic pairing prompts and people saying things like ‘or they think it's unrequited but then A dies and B finds a letter confessing and they really loved each other but now it's too late’ and more people being like ‘YES YOU GET IT THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF’

Just… really, honestly. It's okay to like angst, even really tragic angst. I’m not trying to guilt anyone out of that.

I just….. Most of the time people just talk about it like ‘oh yeah I love some of that good tragic love story shit’ and the stories focus on the build-up and the shock/trauma of the death as it happens and then the excruciating reaction of the survivor and then maybe a time jump to show them happy again.

But very rarely do people take the time to actually handle the grief. People like the good cry of a character mourning their partner, but the vast majority of creators and fans rush through or skip over everything after the initial drama and aftermath. The ‘tragedy’ is the only part they focus on, and then the story ends and they move on.

And like. Shit. I liked that stuff too, I wrote some of it, years ago. And I’m not saying you can’t ever just leave it there, or that if you want to write tragic romance you always have to explore all the long-term emotional consequences.

But try to have it in mind, to consider what message countless grief narratives that end after the funeral, or maybe a few weeks or months later, teach people about real-life grief. This goes for any kind of grief narrative, but the one I see most, the one I used to ‘enjoy’ most myself, is romantic.

But, after having actually lived it? And knowing I'll have to live the rest of my life as the part of the story that usually isn’t told? It turns my stomach the way it’s often handled.

Like seeing people gush about how angsty a fic/idea is, and ‘OH MY GOD SO SAD CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW TRAGIC HOW DARE YOU. I LOVE SEEING/PUTTING THEM THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN’ gets a bit uncomfortable.

Not because there’s something inherently wrong with ever reacting like that, but because most often I can turn around and have the same people not know how to react when I tell them about Emma, not know how to handle the same grief they were just gushing over in fiction, when it’s real.

Grief is isolating enough on its own, but then it just doesn’t feel great when the worst thing to ever happen to you is a huge trope that people gush over, while very rarely fleshing out the actual reality of what it feels like to go through that or how to respond to someone actually dealing with grief, and eventually having to deal with your own grief.

Tbh it’s why I really just kinda have an aversion to the word ‘angst’ in general, and don’t really like to refer to my own writing as angst, even though I know plenty of people might think of it as such. So much of fandom's handling of ‘angst’ has come to feel like voyeuristic tourism of the grief I deal with every day, and will for the rest of my life.

Just, I know people are always going to like tragic angsty romance, and that’s fine, and honestly, it's not even an issue of individuals, but of how fandom in general treats it.

And again, I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad for liking it, and it has its purposes. And even when it’s not for catharsis, it's okay to just like sad stories just because.

I just… I wish more people would keep in mind that it’s not just a tearjerker story trope. People really go through this. And they then often end up feeling very isolated because people around them don't know how to react to their grief, because their grief makes things awkward and a mood killer.

Like, if you love this kind of angst (and not because you personally relate to it or find it cathartic, but just because, just for fun) but then feel awkward around people talking about their real-life grief, maybe spend some time with that, and think about the topic as a real-world trauma and not just a dramatic story trope. (this doesn’t just go for grief. Any kind of trauma you don’t personally deal with, if you love reading/writing it but avoid actually listening to people talking about their real-life experiences with it, think about why that is.)

I just hate seeing loss and initial dramatic grief responses being this shock factor/tearjerker trope, without ever really seriously addressing long-term grief. Especially when it doesn't even do a time jump or anything, and just ends on the surviving character being forever destroyed; when it focuses on the idea of how sad it is for your favorite character to have to spend the rest of their life alone.

And that’s not even folding in any kind of BYG/queer tragedy tropes in canon or fandom spaces.

And like… on a much more individual, less practical point, I just… there’s nothing wrong with angst but honestly (and especially for characters whose canon is in no way tragic) every time I see it I just want to scream WHY…. Why do that to them!? I’m not saying you have to stop, or that you’re not allowed to write trauma you don’t deal with personally. But I will never not cringe a bit at the ‘painful enjoyment’ of a character going through the traumatic loss of a partner. And it’s a sentiment I don’t really see people being okay with in regards to any other kind of trauma.

I don’t have actual numbers, but it sure feels like fandom treats stories about romantic grief very differently than most other traumas. Other trauma, even other kinds of grief, like a close friend or a sibling or parent, etc. tend to at least try to touch on a theme of recovery, or that the emotional turmoil being covered isn’t just a fun angsty trope to spend a little time in and then move on. And of course, this isn’t universal and plenty of people don’t handle these other traumas respectfully or as anything more than dramatic fuel, but this is the trend I’ve personally seen in over 10 years of tumblr fandom. And to that point, even when traumas aren’t respectfully handled I’ve at least seen people try to bring attention to that, with posts about how to respectfully handle disability or addiction or mental health or abuse. I can’t remember off the top of my head a single post like that about grief, let alone specifically romantic grief. It seems to be commonly accepted that while most kinds of trauma can be explored, but still handled respectfully, the death of a partner can just be done for the Drama. People tend to try to learn about abuse or addiction experiences before attempting big angsty stories addressing that. But doomed romance and a grief-stricken lover (it feels like, in my experience) are much more likely to happen on a whim.

Generally, it feels like other kinds of trauma, while still part of ‘angst’ also keeps a sense of awareness of how that narrative reflects real people’s experiences. It’s not just heavy because it’s big dramatic fictional angst, but because it’s grounded in real-life trauma that everyday people who come across it might relate to. Like... I just feel like a lot of fandom spaces treat ‘major character death’ and tragic romantic trope tags as just filters, like they’re needed because ‘not everyone likes angst, it’s just not their thing’ without really acknowledging that it’s a real trauma that everyday people deal with, where (again, often, but of course far from always, and certainly not in mainstream) other tws and tags like assault or substance abuse, people understand that people they interact with might really deal with those issues and they try to not just use them as dramatic fodder and to portray them respectfully.

But grief, especially romantic grief, seems different. The number of people who will come across a fic or edit or piece of art about a tragic love story, and will have had that personal experience of losing a partner, is much lower than people with real experiences with abuse, or addiction, or mental illness. That’s not a bad thing. I wish none of you ever have to know what that feels like.

But because of that, tragic romance ends up seeming like this distant thing. Like it’s only in dramatic tv shows or movies or literature, or lives solely in angsty fandom spaces as a way to get out a good cry. It seems grand and Tragic, off in its own world of dramatic emotional story tropes.

It’s solely pretty dark edits put to song lyrics, or striking art, or beautifully written prose that rips your heart out. It’s Tragic Romance.

And there’s nothing wrong with that inherently. But for many people, it seems like that is what it becomes: fiction. An angsty trope.

I genuinely hope that’s all it ever is for all of you. I wish I could ensure that that good angsty hurt will only ever be a trope you visit when you need a good cry.

But it’s not just fiction.

It's not just angst for sake of drama or fun or poetic storytelling. It’s not grand or romantic or beautifully tragic.

It’s unbearable. It’s physical pain.

That’s not exaggeration or metaphor. It sneaks up on me out of nowhere and it literally feels like someone is crushing my chest. I’ve nearly broken my hand punching a wall because I needed to make something hurt more than this thing in my chest that isn’t even actually there but it hurts so much.

Tbf I think a lot of my attitude towards this really stems more from fandom trends from when I was younger, and I think a lot more people actually try to flesh out grief more these days. But I just remember so much tragic romantic fic and fandom love from when I was a teenager that didn’t go deeper than ‘look how heartbreaking this is it’s so sad, I wanna make everybody read it and cry and it’s just fun and a story, oh my god I couldn't live with that’

no, of course I don't have a few specific old fics or posts from like superwholock days in mind, that I used to gush over too, and now just the idea of makes me feel actually sick

Idk… like I said. I don't at all want to make anyone feel bad for liking that type of angst, and I feel kind of bad for criticizing it. It just…

It hurts seeing basically your exact situation on angsty prompt lists with people gushing about how good it hurts. Especially when the same people would be (and have been) deer in headlights when they find out you’ve lived the same thing. (Again, this goes for any kind of trauma trope, but most others I’ve seen at least some kind of discussion about before)

Just please, try to be mindful of not just how you write stories about grief, but how you talk about death angst in general. (again, certainly not everyone, but more and more) People know to not just romanticize abuse trauma or addictions or mental illness, and to research, and ask for advice to try to be respectful.

And it’s much more common for someone in fandom spaces, in their teens or 20s or 30s to deal with those sorts of trauma than having experienced losing a partner.

But we exist. And while there is plenty of media out there showing tragic young romance, there is very little (in my experience, after nearly five years of desperately looking) real-world acknowledgment and support, or proof that you’ll be able to survive that kind of loss and still be happy, and even less so if they’re queer.

In a couple of months, it will have been five years since Emma’s death. From day one I have not been private about my loss, whenever possible.

And in five years of saying “When I was 20 my girlfriend died.” to new friends, classmates, potential dates, fandom spaces, therapists, grief support forums, etc… do you know how many other people have told me that they also lost a partner as a young adult, whether queer or straight, by accident or suicide or illness?

Zero.

No one. I’ve had people say how they lost a best friend or a sibling or a parent. And those losses, those kinds of grief are certainly not any less traumatic than the loss of a partner. But even in real life, they’re different. Losing a partner, especially at a very young age when it’s likely your main romantic experience, has different emotional effects, and can be harder to find people who directly relate.

Five years. Zero people dealing with the specific facets of grief as me.

The ONLY times I have ever heard about stories like mine in real life are either the rare article or essay or celebrity story, of which I can probably easily count on two hands.

All the other representation I’ve found is in mainstream fiction and fandom.

And of those stories, those fics, that art, the vast majority have had the partner die in the last half, probably closer to the 75% mark, of the story or arc.

If I’m lucky, that last 25% will focus on the immediate aftermath and grief (especially in fic, while a lot of media might give you a few scenes, and then move on to other character arcs).

If I’m really lucky they’ll show some kind of time jump, to say ‘see, they’re still haunted by their lost love but they’ve tried to move on or can pretend to be happy’.

And so much fandom reception is centered around ‘it’s soooooo SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MY POOR HEART IT HURTS SO GOOD. LOVE ME SOME ANGST’, or romanticizing the idea of being unable to live without them, and if they can, it’s often never really putting focus on all the pain it took to process their grief.

Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this individually, or that you shouldn’t gush and scream over fic or art or prompts that hook you because of angst. But it adds up really quickly, especially when, even when getting good genuine support from people, you still see no one else actually living with that feeling like you. The only place you find it is stories, and then you see people mostly excited over just how beautifully sad it is.

And that just feels… I can’t explain it honestly.

Just, think about how you react to or talk about fic or prompts or art about a character crying over their partner’s body, or attending their funeral, and think about whether you’d feel appropriate doing the same if instead, they were dealing with abuse, or addiction, or self-harm.

Again, that’s not to say you can’t ever gush or key smash or such, but is it all you do?

You don’t have to stop enjoying angst and tragic romance. But think about how I just said that.

Enjoy.

Do you only ever act like you ‘Enjoy’ it (and yes, this includes the ‘I’m such a masochist I just love to cry over them, it’s emotional release that doesn’t trigger me’ reaction), and romanticize it?

It’s fine to, sometimes. But do you also appreciate it, and try to understand the real-world weight of it? Do you know what you’d say to a friend if they told you they’d lost a partner?

That ‘love me some good angst’, Dramatic grief, being the main fandom attitude doesn’t just hurt me or others who have lost people close to them, partners or not.

A big part of fandom, and of just society, has no idea how to deal with grief, their own or others. It’s not a light conversation topic, it makes people feel awkward, or walk on eggshells around you, or tell you how they can’t possibly imagine having to go through that (btw, y'all don’t say this to people. About grief, or trauma, or disability or anything like that, just don’t. I’m begging you. And a rant about that kind of thing is for another day but... )

And then, when people inevitably face some form of major grief themselves, they feel ashamed for not handling it ‘right’.

It hurts, to try to find some acknowledgment of your grief, and only ever see stories that show just the first few weeks or months; the feeling of it never possibly being anything but constantly excruciating. Stories that end on ‘they were alone and sad and that is what their story, their love, will live on as; Tragic’. Or, that skip all the work and the doubt and the backsliding, and just show years down the road, when they’ve got a whole new life, and that grief, that love, is just a sad memory that they have ‘moved on’ from. Just a tiny trinket call back.

It feels impossible to survive, to ever be happy again, when you never see grief being treated as more than a tragic story point. And then, as you try your hardest to keep going, to process and heal, and connect to new people, while not forgetting the person you love, not letting them just become your tragic backstory, you see people gush over tragic love stories, over how romantic it is, over how characters loved each other so much they couldn’t live without them. (Thankfully a good bit of fandom seems to be pulling away from this, but it’s still common)

And, if that’s what it is to lose a partner, your soulmate… then… then how am I able to keep living? Even as painful as it is? If true love means not being able to live without the other person, does that mean I didn’t, I don’t, actually love them enough? Am I selfish for still actually wanting to live the rest of my life, even with this pain of the person I love being gone?

Would people read my, our, story and ‘enjoy’ it? Would they find this romantic? Would they scream over a prompt based on the worst event in my life, and have a good cry, and then move on, thinking how sad and beautifully tragically romantic that story would be? Would this person I love and miss more than anything, become just a Tragedy? Just an angsty sob story to gush about how wonderfully painful it was? Would it become about only my pain and heartbreak, and not about the cruelty of this other complete, unique, independent person who was robbed of their entire future?

Maybe that seems melodramatic or putting too much weight on tropes, or fandom. But remember.

Five years.

Zero real people saying ‘I’ve been there too’.

The only places I have seen my grief reflected (beyond a rare celebrity interview, or article) is in fiction, and mostly in fandom.

For over a decade I’ve seen people key smash and gush over angsty ships in fic and art, and I was one of them for a long time.

And then, when it became real life for me, all too often (not always, of course) people wouldn’t know how to handle my real grief. Even when I didn’t want to grieve, but wanted to remember all the reasons I love Emma. My real-life moments of ‘fluff’ that I cling to, become uncomfortable when they know the ‘angst’ to come.

And I don’t blame them. I’m not angry at them for not knowing what to say, for walking on eggshells. They’re not cruel for that, they’re not unsympathetic, it’s not that they just don’t try.

Because, if I’ve found so few real-world stories about this kind of grief, after looking so hard for so long, how can I expect them to have had much more luck?

If the only places I find stories about grief never focus on the reality of life after the funeral, and the process of not moving past, but learning to handle grief, then how can I expect broader fandom to know how to be comfortable around the ugly, boring, repetitive, not at all romantic parts of that grief?

Just, yes. Write, read, love your angst. But please just remember that ‘tragic love story’ happens to people, and while plenty of people might not want to read it because it’s just not their thing, or too depressing, there are those who see those dramatic prompt scenarios, and personally relate to them (I quite often say the events around Emma’s death read like a heavy-handed soap opera, or Queer Tragedy movie, and had had plenty of people agree, even before hearing all the details. And I have literally seen multiple prompts of ‘best friends secretly have feelings for each other, and then finally confess, only to get a short bit of happiness before one dies tragically’)

Write, read, love your angst, your tragic love stories, just please, be as respectful of grief (in any form, but this is mostly a shipping issue in my experience) as you would be (or should be) of other major trigger warnings. Gush and scream about the big dramatic ‘romantic’ tragedies, but don’t then ignore the raw, uncomfortable, vulnerable, cathartic explorations, or the real people dealing with real loss.

Because damn y’all, I’ve seen ‘I just love a good romantic tragedy trope, yes please rip my heart out’ said so many times, with the same tone as saying ‘That fake dating trope, that’s the good stuff’.

I’ve seen people gush over how much more interesting and beautifully cruel it is for young love to end tragically.

And I promise you. It’s not. It just fucking sucks. It’s not romantic or tragically beautiful or poignant. It’s devastating. And it goes on for so much longer than that last quarter of the story.

My grief is more than an angsty prompt. Our relationship, my love for her, is more than a dramatic sob story, more than just awkward sadness that kills the mood. Emma’s life, her memory, is more than my tragic backstory.

I want to be able to find my story in more than just fiction, I want to be able to get support from people who live with similar grief.

But I also want to see grief in fiction, in fandom, become more than a final character arc or Tragic love story; used for dramatic effect; grand and huge for a moment and then never fully processed, or mentioned again; just tragically romantic and heartbreaking and soooo good and angsty.

Grief is one of the only things we will all have to face throughout our lives.

I’m not just asking you to respect my grief or the grief of those around you. But your own future grief. I don’t want you to get there and feel like your grief is wrong, or means that you didn’t love someone ‘enough’ because it doesn’t manifest in a certain way.

Learning to accept grief; to be comfortable around raw, unpoetic, grief; to not hold up certain expressions of grief as Romantic or Poetic, but just honest, will eventually be personally useful for all of us, as much as I wish it wouldn’t.

I want my grief, everyone’s grief, to be seen, and understood, not just romanticized and dramatized.

My love story, Emma’s love story, isn’t beautifully tragic. It isn’t more interesting or poetic than a happy ending. The pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life is not romantic.

But it is important.

#mine #my writing #tw #grief #death #car crash #fandom analysis #romantic tragedy trope

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doof-doofblog · 5 years ago

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"I'm Sorry!"

Tuesday 9th June 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you've had a good day! It's just hit me that after tonight's episode, we'll only have two episodes to view until the soap goes off air. I'm feeling a touch of sadness but I'm really hoping it won't be too long until the soap will be back on our screens. We should enjoy the last few episodes while we can! I just hope that come the last episode, it won't end on such big cliff hanger - i'll be so frustrated that I'll have to wait for such a lengthy period of time to find out the outcome! I'm sure you guys feel the same way? Let's just hope we're not waiting for months on end!

So tonight's episode was quite full packed wasn't it? I'm going to briefly start with Rainie and Max, it's really nice to see Rainie in a completely different light. I do fear that she will always been known as the terrible drug addict, and I guess there is always a possibility she could go back to her bad ways, but it's so nice to see her living a happy life. She's not interested in taking Max for his money. As she said, she has a good job and stable home as well as someone who loves her for who she is, plus she's clean, she's living her best life right now! Why would she need Max's money? She will find the money eventually for her wedding to Stuart and hopefully they'll have a happy life together. I thought it was really sweet when she said to Max that she actually wanted him to be happy to, I think that's all everyone wants. Max has had his fair share of women on the square but I believe only 2 of those women have made him genuinely happy - Tanya and Stacey! I do hope in time Max will meet someone and he'll be able to be happy, properly, once again.

So, does this mean Dotty and Peter are going to make a go of things? Even regarding that Dotty knows about Ian's secret. It's obvious that Ian is not going to approve, but in all honesty, what can he do? He can't threaten Dotty to leave his son alone, she will only threaten to reveal his secret. Ian is just going to have to suck it up and deal with it and hope to God that Dotty doesn't spill the beans. I know I've mentioned this already, but I can't help thinking about Bobby - even though he's not been seen in recent episodes, he was the one who started off having feelings for Dotty in the first place, how is he going to feel now knowing his brother has gone off with her? I didn't really know what to make of the scene where Dotty was trying to impress Peter by going for the jog ... I guess she wasn't trying to impress him, maybe just get his attention?! Again, like their flirting, I found it a bit cringe-worthy. But you know, each to their own? Do any of you guys ship Dotty and Peter? Or would you prefer to see them with other people? Perhaps you would've preferred Dotty to be with Vinny? They did start up a good, close friendship ... let me know what you guys think! Only thing now is, I have a feeling that Ian's secret isn't going to be kept secret for much longer?

Speaking of ships - does anyone else ship Billy and Karen? Poor Billy! Okay, the flour bomb was funny, but I did kinda feel that somehow, maybe he doesn't belong with the Taylor family. Mitch has done everything in his power to make him feel uncomfortable - even saying that he and Karen won't last for long and that Karen always goes running back to him. Mitch is clearly jealous! But I do feel that Billy does deserve happiness - however, what is going to happen when Honey returns? I'm assuming she will at some point, I don't think we've seen the last of her. But what is going to happen if Honey comes back and finds out that Billy has suddenly moved in with Karen? Isn't that going to break her heart? I mean, okay, Billy did cheat on her and she attempted to move on with Adam, but look how that turned out for the poor woman. She lost her self-esteem and confidence which caused her to relapse on her eating disorder, she then decided she had to leave the Square until she felt herself again, leaving poor Billy on his own. It's nice to see Billy happy with someone but I don't know whether he'll be able to commit to Karen, or whether he'll be able to feel he belongs with the Taylor family, especially with Mitch always at the sidelines, watching in on his relationship with Karen. What do you guys think? Do you think Billy and Honey will be meant to be? Or do you think he can gel well with Karen and the Taylor's and be a part of their family?! Also - yes! I am going to mention that EastEnders did make a comment about the size of Billy's manhood!!!!!! Sorry, but we don't want to know that, thank you!!!

Swiftly moving on ... I do wish that Phil and Sharon would come to some form of understanding with each other. I can understand both sides of spectrum ... Sharon made a terrible mistake of firstly, cheating on Phil, and then secondly giving up her own baby, but now she's trying to do the right thing and bring up her son with the man she loves. However, I can understand Phil's perspective aswell, he was heartbroken when he found out that Kayden wasn't his, considering he had adopted Sharon's elder son and became a father to him, to then lose him in awful circumstances, I guess he can't help but blame Sharon for Dennis's death. I do kinda think Phil is right, if she hadn't have slept with Keanu and got pregnant, none of this would've happened and Dennis would still be around now. It's clear that they do deeply still love each other, but Phil can't find it in himself to bring up another man's baby. When Ian came to collect Sharon's things, I love the way Phil put him in his place, its been obvious that Ian has been swooning over Sharon - Phil isn't stupid, he can see what he's trying to do! Hopefully Sharon will come to realise that also and will find out the truth about Dennis's death. I loved the scene between Linda and Phil, I think the words that Linda rang truth - you can't break a bond between a mother and their child, Phil and Sharon should be able to work things through because of their love for each other, if they want to be together, they should be able to be strong and make it work. However, I was surprised as Phil's revelation! So he is going to be moving into the Vic?! Is that going to be such a good idea, considering his past with the building? I mean, it was once his home also, but Sharon also lived there, could this mean they could end up fighting for the property? Or is Sharon going to remain living with Ian or will she live in the Mitchell household while Phil moves into the Vic?! I'm really eager to see what happens with that one, but I do feel we're going to have to wait a while unfortunately.

Uh-Oh! I have a bad feeling that things could be going from bad to worse for Chantelle. After asking Gray if she could use his car to do an errand for Kheerat, Gray was already annoyed that she was doing Kheerat favours, why is she still doing more? He made it perfectly clear that he didn't want her running around after him. I kinda panicked when Suki asked - wait no - told Chantelle to do those favours for her, it was just going to put her in an even worse situation with Gray. Even though I did think to myself after Chantelle missed her phone call from Gray whilst in the car, after Suki left, why didn't she just ring him back and explain? - But I know, that would've been too easy! - This is EastEnders after all and nothing is ever straight forward as that! So Gray has a tracker on his car, was he watching where Chantelle was going or had been? Then he realised it had been driven someone on a day it was supposed to be at the garage. Us viewers know that Ben used the car last week to drive himself to the job Danny and Phil were at. Gray has already asked Chantelle where she went that day and obviously, Chantelle has nothing to do with it, but Gray unfortunately doesn't believe her, he is going to be jumping to all sorts of conclusions, even possibly thinking that Chantelle is cheating on him? Is he going to become violent with her again? This is why I worry for Chantelle so much, she can't put a foot wrong otherwise Gray will hurt her, physically. The violence that he has put her through is horrific, I fear that until Gray finds out the truth about his car, he's going to become physically abusive towards her again. But even though Gray is paranoid about his wife's whereabouts, he's the one who kissed another woman - well technically she kissed him! Gray has been an absolute rock for Whitney in recent weeks as he's taken on her case. She's currently staying with them and over time, Whitney has become more and more infatuated with Gray. He's been so kind to her, saying all sorts of nice things to support her, even though - I do feel as though he was pushing and pushing her for more information when he took her back to the scene where Leo died, he kept saying "Go on! Carry on!", pushing her and forcing her to relive the moments when Leo died. I kinda found that a little hard to watch, I mean it was brilliant acting from Shona McGarty, but Whitney has already been through so much and she's told the story over and over again, why should she have to relive it? - Anyway she's become so in awe of Gray and his kindness towards her, she suddenly kissed him. Now we knew this was coming, but what does this mean now? Will Gray respond and act and perhaps have an affair with Whitney? Will Whitney be completely apologetic and try and forget the kiss happened? Will Chantelle find out?

A very interesting ending tonight that's for sure! What do you guys think? Are you guys feeling just as sad as I am that we only have two episodes left? I do have a little bit of news for you though, within the last few hours, it's been revealed that next week, Ben is going to collapse due to him battling a fever and still feeling unwell after losing his hearing completely, he will then confide in Jay and tell him the truth about his disability. Hopefully it wont be too long until the soap will be back on our screens full term, with 4 episodes being aired every week as normal! I personally can't wait for things to get back to some form of normality! Anywayz, look after yourself everyone! Keep safe and I'll be back again next week. Thanks everyone! Love you all xXx

#eastenders #dottycotton #peterbeale #ianbeale #rainiecross #maxbranning #karentaylor #billymitchell #mitchbaker #philmitchell #sharonmitchell #grayatkins #chantelleatkins #whitneydean

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laputaindefrenchgirl · 5 years ago

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i’m taking some fucking responsibility since you guys can’t.

God, do you know how much I love Alex Standall? He’s a character from 13 Reasons Why, I loved him instantly two years ago in season one. He made my heart flutter and his sadness, his vulnerability and yet fierce aura which all combined, made him powerful to me. I spent hours debating internally if I liked him because I wished to have a friend like him, or if simply I related to his persona. Maybe a bit of both.

Then I watched season two, but to say the least, he has a disability and the way he reacts about his environment, about the disability itself, is real. I’m a young woman living with a disability and the way it is developed on screen was quite accurate on some points.

Here’s the interesting thing, I know that I could hate myself. I could think I’m a burden. I could stop everything and loath in hatred towards myself, my body. I don’t. Never a suicidal thought crossed my mind. But I know how hard things can be, and I get why people can reacts badly to their new normal, their new body. It’s frustrating and painful, and the looks from your friends, family, society- it hurts.

I understand. I see this like a prism, a parallel world (Doctor Strange vibes) like I can picture how things could turn out if I did hate me, or made this choice, but did not. How I perceive the world, and yet, fight what seems inevitable.

I can be a burden. I probably am. But I don’t think I am, and that’s what change the game. Sometimes, to hurt me, in a fight, I’m told these kind of things, that I am a burden, a waste of space, that I’m not useful. It could hurt. To be honest, it does a little bit. What matter is that I love myself, enough to not think these words.

Crying in your pillow, thinking and thinking again, hating yourself for being that person they describe. I’m not. Crying anyway because there is no justice. I’m trying to love the fact that I am vulnerable, that it’s okay to cry your pain away, to feel this hurt and to transform this feeling into something else. And when something bad happens, to not judge myself too hardly. To promise myself I will do better next time and just to open my mind to what the world around me needs. Not what it needs me to be, but which kind of force to thrive I would need to survive and make the word a better place.

Back to Alex, I understand why he could think such things, because he hates himself, he feels powerless, without even speaking about that’s exactly how society lights up people with special needs, people living with a disability. The truth is, we all have a path, and we can’t come to own a strong piece of mind without struggling. It can be tough to own yourself in your very own way. Whatever happens, you’ll get criticism and that’s difficult. Because mostly, one of the basic need we feel in our life beside surviving, is the need to be loved. Personally, to me it is more about being understood. When you’re not, in both case, you doubt everything. “What did I do wrong? It’s my fault. Why?” And mostly, these questions are left non-answered. Because people cannot validate what they don’t understand. Once you get that, you just do your thing, do what you love, start to love yourself for who you really are and realize what looked like flaws are not only that, but strengths.

Strengths.

I hate when people tell me that I can handle shitty people or situation because “I’m strong”, fuck that. If I can get that people are hurting, why can’t they get I’m hurting too? Being the strong one, the leader, the one who’s brutally honest, it’s exhausting. I can’t help but feel some people hide behind their cowardliness. Seriously, own your fucking shit.

When you love someone, something, you never ever stop fighting. Someone I dearly love last year found herself in bad situation, and I did (and still do) everything in my power to pour all my love and person outta myself for her. To change the situation towards something good, hopefully greater.

I think you never give up on who you love, and recently, I kinda felt like giving up with another person, because it hurt way too much. I don’t want to be angry forever. I can’t accept the bad vibes, the cycle of hate. It came to a point where, I gave up, because I needed to protect myself. It probably makes me extremely selfish, but in order to keep going, I need me, I need the greatest state of mind I can offer to myself.

Last year, I have been hospitalized twice, and I’m back on the game, I’m good. Some stuffs not good enough, but better. I know my condition is not perfect. How long will I live. Long enough I hope. I’m not exactly afraid of death, but I don’t want to die either. I’m wiser than my looks, and yet naive to a degree it’s hard to comprehend. I’m looking at life with a positive sight, but I know when to be realistic.

Alex is angry and so am I. When you see bad things happening, and you don’t act on them, you’re taking side with the bully, that you want it or not. In that sense, the culpability he carries through the seasons is understandable. Alex is angry he didn’t do anything, he’s angry that the world is fucked up and that he’s a part of it. Anger is not my main trait of character but my level of tolerance for injustice is zero. If I see something bad happens, I do something, speak, try to make the situation better, seek help, whatever. There are so many reasons to be angry nowadays that it’s very important to be ready to face the next shitty situations coming up our way. That’s unfair, too. So is life.

What is hard to say needs to be said. There’s nothing worse than not saying the ugly truth. I’m honest and I’m bad. To quote Britney, “my loneliness ain’t killing me no more”, but it’s still there, and it says “who’s gonna love you like you do? who’s gonna get your mind?” ; probably no one. When you have a physical disability, you feel you’ll need H24 assistance, but no one really taught you how you can help others. I’ll never lift a box, and cook dinner for my friends. I have zero use, you know. It’s an inside joke. But when sometimes jokes are not jokes anymore and there is a leak, that’s how you start believing the lies spread from hate, and that’s a trap.

But here’s what I know too, that out there, people are seeing my arts, reading my words, and it does something to them. There’s a light about it, a signal of hope my nonsense is giving away. That’s something at least. I’m holding on to that because, it screams that I’m useful. I’m making this place a little greater than it was before.

In season three, Alex needs that validation. He wants to believe he’ll be okay again, but knowing deep down things will never be the same. He’s still not over Jess, and in my eyes, he could have so much more. But a part of him is still in the past, and it hurts, and he wants to grow but he has to let go that part of him he desperately try to fix. Parts of me once again, related to Alex this season, because he felt stuck and so did I, and he is making mistakes but which are the ones of a desperate soul. By the end of the season, he’s making that choice which will lead him to a very dark place once again, and to me his dark side is what makes him pure (not that I project to murder anyone anytime soon). He’s impulsive as fuck too, and an asshole. But he’s trying and holy shit, I’m trying too.

Alex said, “What is it about me that isn’t good enough?” and my own version is “What is it about me that is too much?” and that stings.

Anxiety hit me like a lightning bolt this summer, and it was suffocating. Could I escape it? Would it go away and let me live? It’s harder than it shows to speak your mind. Few people do and when they do, it seems to try to hurt someone back. I’m a girl that is saying “No” very often, as if I do not want to do something, I just don’t want to. Period. And anxiety came to me in this moment of self-doubt where I thought for a second that if I could change a bit, to try to please people expectations of me, and maybe I would be able to breath again. But now I know these are two different things, and that by changing myself in order to please others, whatever the reasons are, it will not heal me and just confuse me even more, hurting too.

This piece of writing was in my draft for one year or so, after I finished season two, and I decided last night after seeing season 3 to finish writing it by today. My mind and perceptions of the world, who I am, shifted in one year. For once, there is not better or worse. There’s just me, this young woman, trying to anchor myself into this world and surrounded by great souls, and though I know I’m gonna hurt and cry again, a sense of peace finally started to get established into my heart.

This gives me hope.

#audreytheartiste

#writing positive shit #alex standall #it's love not logic #13 reasons why #my thoughts #thirteen reasons why #13rw #favorite character #maybe ever #precious impulsive baby #alex #eating my feelings #self analysis #anxiety #selflove #be kind #be you

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smokedcapybara · 5 years ago

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looks like my exhausted rambling isn’t over yet but this time I’m gonna talk about Tony Stark and why I hate the direction the MCU went (aside from Black Panther, Gaurdians of the Galaxy, and Ragnarok - but why they’re exceptions might also be touched on)

so, a long while ago I talked about how Young Justice and Teen Titans has been exactly what I needed when I first moved to Bellevue - I would imagine the heroes watching over me, making sure I was safe, or coming to whisk me away so I could join them and become a hero myself

I started watching the MCU movies around the end of middle school/beginning of high school and Iron Man, for me, couldn’t have come into my life at a better time

firstly, my first introduction to superhero movies was the Batman Beyond trilogy which was exactly the opposite of what I needed and almost enough to turn me off superhero movies entirely

and then I saw Iron Man, which was so completely different - it was funny and hopeful and bright - but also... well

around that time I’d constructed a mask to hide all my negative emotions - all my pain and anger and fear, everything caused by the abuse I’d suffered in Texas and my mom and brother starting to lash out more and more - and this mask, well to me it looked an awful lot like Tony Stark’s

and that was what I needed, I needed to see myself in him, to have the reassurance that I could move on from my past and become a better person, that I could have happiness, that no matter what others might think or see neither my mask and what was under it made me an irredeemable person

for the whole first half of the MCU I latched on to Tony, him and Loki were my favorite characters because they represented the two possibilities of what I could become - the positive and the negative, and even the negative didn’t look all that bad once you scaled it down to a small, disabled human from the powerful, magically talented god

(I also liked Loki because it was like they’d taken all my own family issues and lain them out in a way that anywhere I looked in the fandom I’d see people indirectly supporting me through their support of him)

I also liked Bruce, Clint, and Natasha, and all the side characters, they were all relatable in small human ways that I was very fond of

Thor and Steve I struggled with though

for about three years - the three years I lived in Texas - my mother was married to a bodybuilder name James, he was abusive and because of this I was traumatized and spent up until recently automatically scared of any large muscular man

sort of a ‘they have to prove they’re not to be scared of instead of the other way around’ kinda thing, and unfortunately Steve and Thor did not do that in those first few movies

so I projected heavily on Tony and tried not to let my trauma color my opinion of Steve and Thor too much and trusted that Marvel would handle their main characters as well as I was used to from things like, for example, Teen Titans or Young Justice

Age of Ultron was difficult but it had some good Clint moments and the ‘language!’ running joke was fun - I was torn up at the loss of Jarvis, of course

and then Civil War came out

they took the character I projected on and one of the characters my trauma made me somewhat distrustful of and pitted them against each other and somehow, miraculously, I sided with Steve

of course I sided more with healthy communication and talking things out amongst themselves before they take sides and start splitting up but unfortunately there wouldn’t have been much of a movie if they’d done that, would there?

and then

and then, Steve admitted to knowing who killed Tony’s parents and not telling him sooner and got upset at him for being upset

I’d managed to get past my trauma enough to recognize that he was mostly dedicated to being a good person, I’d even managed to get past it enough to side with him over Tony for the better part of that movie

but watching that fight, especially the end where Tony was laying there defenseless, was almost like being retraumatized - having the association of large muscular men as violent and dangerous rebranded into my brain - and the letter he sent at the end pulled up all the less physical aspects of James’s abuse

and so Steve was firmly associated in my head with all of that stuff from my past, and it made it so hard to participate in fandom where suddenly everyone was picking a side and declaring one or the other completely in the wrong

and those who like Steve or believed his side was right decided anyone who liked Tony, or disapproved of how Steve handled the whole situation with Tony’s parents having been murdered, was a terrible person and should be torn down for liking him, they reduced Tony to his mask and declared that he’d never be able to make up for his past - called him heartless and more

and those who supported Tony were just as bad

and there was no room for someone who supported Steve’s argument against the accords but was against his actions in the Hydra base(I don’t remember where it was, I watched the movie once and refused to ever watch it again cause it was too triggering for me)

and while the rift in the fandom has softened, its still there - everyone seems to either hate Tony or hate Steve

and those who dislike Tony have had more and more good reason to as the series has gone on and it hurts

because at some point he stopped being a beacon of hope for me while still being too connected to me

in fact, it’s almost like him and Loki switched places with Ragnarok and everything

(here’s where we touch on why Ragnarok is so much better than most of the rest of the MCU, and is in fact my #1 favorite MCU movie)

by the time Ragnarok came out I had lost my main fictional source of hope for myself - I’d only ever found two characters I related to in that way and on that level: Tony and Loki (there have been many other fictional characters I’ve related to but all either on much smaller scale or just in wildly different directions)

and Tony was quickly becoming worse than what Loki had represented for me, my hope turned sour, my mask indistinguishable from the truth, I was a little lost

I distanced myself somewhat from the MCU fandom, I just couldn’t handle it, it hurt too much

and then I watched Ragnarok

Thor was goofy and ridiculous and silly and a definite hero but in an almost washed up way - like his time had come and gone and come again and he was gonna grab it with both hands while it was there but not take it too seriously this time cause he knew better, y’know?

and that was exactly what I needed to get past the ‘big muscular man’ trigger to see him as a whole Good Person and absolutely love him

and him and Loki’s interactions were exactly what I needed right at the cusp of a change for the better in my relationship with my own brother

and by the end of the movie Loki was happy and accepted and understood (and gay, can’t forget the gay subtext) - while still being himself - and that was definitely what I needed

and then Infinity War and Endgame came out and I still haven’t watched either of them yet but I don’t need to and I don’t want to because I’ve had enough spoiled for me to know that nothing good would come of it

and it makes me so sad and angry

Marvel took this series, these characters, that was so important to me at such a difficult part of my life, that I was so dedicated to for so long, and essentially threw it all away, trashed it, ran it into the ground so thoroughly that I decided not to watch any more unless it’s, like, a Black Panther sequel - and that mostly because black superhero movies need to be supported so more will get made cause they’re important (and because Black Panther was good but, I mean, I feel like the rest of this post does a good job explaining that one movie being good doesn’t mean it’s sequel will be or that you should watch the sequel so the representation aspect makes more of a difference for me rn)

and all because... what?... cause they decided drama and conflict was more important than their main team being a team? cause they didn’t want any spoilers leaked so they lied to their actors? because they were more motivated by making money than telling a satisfying story? cause they forgot not all their watchers are cookie cutter carbon copies of each other and all relate to different aspects of different characters for different reasons?

because they forgot that because this series might be a child’s first introduction to the concept of superheroes they have a responsibility to protect and nurture that child’s faith in the world? that’s the responsibility you take upon yourself when working with those characters, any superhero characters unless your story is undeniably adult oriented, and you need to remember that

superheroes are supposed to be our hope that maybe things can be better, maybe we can make a difference, that’s what got Marvel and DC big and they need to do better to remember it

(I liked Black Panther because it was very emotionally impactful and visually stunning and had great characters and representation - so many different important woman characters as well as most the characters being black! - and just overall was, like, the ideal movie)

(I liked Guardians of the Galaxy 1&2 because it was easily separated from the rest of the MCU in my head and it was fun and funny and leaned very heavily into found family which is my jam and it had an A+ soundtrack and Groot was adorable and amazing and Drax was very autistic coded in a Good way, also Gamora and Nebula gave me similar sibling feels to Thor and Loki which is important to me)

#mcu #marvel #tony stark #iron man #capybarambles

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tyrus-time · 6 years ago

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my perspective on TJ’s story (as of 3.13)

Over the past few days, I’ve gone back and forth several times about whether to post my response to, yknow, the Gay Angst. OBVIOUSLY I’m heartbroken, as a Tyrus shipper and someone who is deeply invested in their characters as individuals, to see the two of them hurting. But I know this drama is a plot device and that Tyrus, one way or another, will be endgame.

Currently, I am feeling anxious about how much development we will actually get to see for them... but that’s in the future, and I’m trying to focus on the now.

No, there’s some other stuff that made me feel angry and disappointed and honestly, foolish when I first watched the episode.... I wrote out a rant on my phone, and then I added to it later, and now I’m trying to make some sense out of it... now that I’m calmer (but still sad) about it.

This is a pretty long, critical post, so feel free to keep scrollin!

(I reallyjust need to get this out of my system so I can move on.)

I know some people are actually glad that TJ’s storyline is addressing homophobia, but I gotta be honest with yall: I, personally, am not. I’m honestly devastated that this is the route they took, especially since it still seems the gay themes are mostly subtextual.

As of now, there is a LOT of room for interpretation regarding what is going through TJ’s mind and what Kira’s implied threat was actually implying. I don’t interact with children, like, at all... so I really have no idea how much they’d be picking up on.

And I feel kinda uncomfortable with the show using themes of homophobia/the threat of being outed/etc... just to create drama and conflict between characters? Using homophobia as a plot device in this way, without even beginning to deconstruct homophobia, comes off as semi-exploitative to me?? Which is probably because I’m just so tired of Gayngst, which is really my main issue with this storyline...

I am exhausted of the pattern of gay characters struggling with homophobia (internalized or otherwise) and this then causing them to hurt/betray their (gay) love interests.

Being gay and having relationship angst is one thing. But always having angst related to being gay? It is a well-worn trope that I am do not like.

It’s “realistic,” yes, but it’s frequently been done before — hence the TV tropes page on it.

While it is important to portray the affects of homophobia upon LGBT+ and questioning individuals, there must be a balance!

When Gayngst-y representation is the main representation you see, it feels like that’s the ONLY narrative. You are left with the idea that being LGBT+ means you WILL suffer, that you NEED to struggle with your sexuality/gender because that’s how the identity development process is ‘supposed’ to go. And it shouldn’t have to be that way.

(I speak from personal experience)

This is why I’m so passionate about studying LGBT+ media representation. Media informs us of social norms, scripts, expectations; what is acceptable and what is appropriate; how we’re supposed to think and feel and behave. It’s often very subtle, but all of those images and narratives become internalized and affect how you understand yourself, the world around you, and how you fit in to that world.

Media images shouldn’t just reflect society as it is today; it should offer images of a brighter future.

There’s this resonant quote from the musical Hadestown:

“He could make you see how the world could be, in spite of the way that it is.”

And that’s what I so dearly want to see in LGBT+ representation.

It breaks my heart whenever people say things like, “it’s unrealistic for a young gay teen to be comfortable with their identity.” It truly breaks my heart and makes me want to change the narrative.

We should have stories that should how the world CAN be, not just how it often ‘realistically’ is.

I want to see worlds that AREN’T heteronormative, because I’m hopeful for a future in which we truly do dismantle heterosexism.

I want to see queer relationships that go through the “normal” difficulties of dating someone, such as dealing with typical awkwardness and learning to communicate better... instead of dealing with external and internalized homophobia.

Perhaps I’m asking too much, and shouldn’t be this hopeful in 2019, but I will continue to assert the need for joyful, celebratory queer stories that diverge from the trend of queer tragedy.

And I really was hoping that Andi Mack could show this radical possibility that gay people can just be HAPPY sometimes, but.... this is Disney channel.... So I guess I’m not really surprised, but I am still disappointed.

Disappointed not just because I was hoping for an unashamedly gay character, but also because I could see TJ realistically having little conflict over his gayness. (I made a post about this months ago, and I’ll probably be repeating those points now.)

TJ’s concern about how people perceive him has been well-established, re: the dyscalculia storyline. However, I’ve always had an affinity for the concept that because he cares about Cyrus so deeply, he is able to come to terms with his gayness without as much turmoil as one might expect. I think this concept is even more valid after the gun incident, with TJ standing up to his previous friends in order to do the right thing, and admitting that Cyrus is the best thing in his life.

“But ash, this is just you being a hopeless romantic!” you might say. But wait! I have more evidence!

I now realize just how much I was projecting myself onto TJ in regards to his insecurities, and it really had nothing to do with romance:

I have always had this complex duality of “I don’t care what people think!! I gotta be true to myself” and “Oh my god, I care so much and I’m so socially anxious.” (I bet some of you can relate.)

The thing is... while I feel self-conscious about my transness on a near-daily basis... I’ve been pretty unapologetically queer since I realized that I actually had a gay crush.

Granted, I was already a big ‘ally’ with several LGB friends in a fairly liberal area, and this gay awakening was in high school (not middle school). So TJ wouldn’t have all of that going for him.

But my thought processes (regarding my insecurities) has always been:

If people don’t like me for who I am, then they’re not worth my time...

But if people negatively judge me for my abilities? Game over, I’m an insecure mess. THAT’S what I’m most insecure about: seeming dumb or weak or incapable.

And again, maybe this is just self-indulgent projection, but I think this fits TJ, too.

In S2, TJ clearly is so insecure because he thinks he’s stupid since he struggles with math. And since he’s a jock, perhaps at first he can play off his bad grades with the whole “Oh, I’m a athlete, and getting good grades is for nerds, and I’m cooool” (or whatever rhetoric is used nowadays but middle school boys). BUT having a learning disability is far scarier, because it solidifies (in HIS mind) that there is something inherently wrong with his brain.

I could go on and on, analyzing TJ’s inner psyche, but the point is:

I could see him being insecure about his physical and mental skills such as basketball and math, yet being self-assured of his sexuality.

This would also be a realistic option for his character — in my opinion at least, because my own life experiences align well with this interpretation, and well, that’s gotta count for something because I’m pretty sure I’m a real person, even if my experiences aren’t widely shared?

TLDR; The way that they ended taking TJ’s character is a “realistic” option, but it’s not the option that I would’ve chose — both for personal reasons (personally relating to TJ, and wanting to see Tyrus be happy) AND social reasons (believing that children should be able to see a character who isn’t show to struggle with self-acceptance, especially since we already saw Cyrus be scared of himself for being gay).

This isn’t to take away the validity of anyone who DOES relate to/support TJ’s current arc! This is me just sharing my own perspective (and trying to get the sad feelings out of my system).

My whole approach to media representation is challenging the “good representation” vs “bad representation” binary, because doing so is incredibly counterproductive and oversimplified. Instead, we should be constantly asking “What is the context for this representation? What is valuable about it? What are it’s flaws? How could be possibly do better in the future?” So I can see advantages of this particular storyline, but I also have some criticisms that I believe to be substantiated.

#not even gonna tag bc i feel p vulnerable about sharing this #but i needed to release it into the universe so all this stops swirling in my head #and i do feel better having written it out and sending it away

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hopeishappinessff · 6 years ago

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Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 49

Chris

Bliss is an innate state of inner joy.

It is constant, undisturbed by outward gain or loss.

We all have the capacity for it, no matter our age, background, physical or mental disabilities, ethnicity, gender, or religion. External circumstances, whether positive or negative, happy or sad, do not affect it.

Bliss is where happiness, meaning, and truth converge.

I was in a room with Hope. She was lying on a narrow bed with some clear jelly that she said was cold on her exposed belly. There was a black lady smiling and pressing a little nob against her skin and they were both facing a small screen. And on that screen… was my daughter, healthy heartbeat and all. She was agitated because the lady kept pressing the nob thing right against her as she tried to sleep, because that’s literally all she did all day. She lazed around in there and waited ‘til night to make her mom uncomfortable and keep her awake ‘til the wee hours of the morning. But now, she was up and wiggling around and upset… she had so much personality already.

I grinned like a complete idiot from my corner in the small room. No, this wasn’t a dream or some made up memory from my insane mind… this was a reality that I never thought I would be a part of. I didn’t get to experience this with Jaylen and I didn’t think I would make it to experience it now. But I was here, and I was smiling, because I was happy… the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.

Two days after she’d returned home to me after her finals at school in Georgia, Hope asked me if I would accompany her to her first doctor’s appointment with her new doctor… the lady that would be delivering our baby. For whatever reason, I was nervous. Sure I’d been in and out of hospitals a few times in my life, but that still didn’t mean I was much of a fan of the place. I was more afraid of this visit because the last time I’d spoken to a doctor in regards to Hope being pregnant, they told me that she’d had a miscarriage. I would never tell her this of course, but any doctor that had to do with a baby made me cringe.

“Baby girl looks beautiful. You and her both are doing wonderfully and I really couldn’t be more pleased with your progress.” The doctor, who kind of reminded me of Dr. Yates, said.

Bliss cannot be attained, really. The soul simply realizes that bliss simply… is

I could recognize it… I was in bliss. My mom told me once that she explained to Hope that I had an obvious purpose on this earth and that was to love her with everything in me and love my children even more. She was right. This was my calling. I wanted to cry because I’d never felt an ongoing surge of bliss the way I felt it sitting there across from the love of my life as she stared at a 3D image of my first daughter. I saw this girl, this woman, in a way I’d never seen her before. She was carrying my child… that made her the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

God, I was getting too caught up in my emotions. I didn’t even realize the doctor was standing in front of me with a stack of printed pictures of my daughter in my face.

“Chris…” I heard Hope’s voice and blinked myself back into reality and only then did I notice the small glossy pictures in my face.

The doctor chuckled and shook her head “Daddy’s getting all caught up in the moment over here. Here, these are for you sweetheart.”

“Thank you.” I muttered, glancing up at her, almost too embarrassed to look her right in the eye.

She laughed and turned back to face Hope with her hands on her hips “Isn’t he just the cutest? I’ve seen countless excited dad’s, but in all my twenty-five years I don’t think I’ve ever seen that spark that I see in his eyes. This little girl is gonna be spoiled, I can tell.”

My heart swelled at the sound of that and my cheeks warmed up as I smiled. I could feel Hope looking at me and when I glanced at her, she too wore a smile.

“Well I’ll give you some time to get all situated. Did you have any questions for me?”

“No Dr. Zeeta, you’ve been so kind and helpful. I’m just really thankful I got transferred to you.” Hope said. I looked from her to the doctor… Dr. Zeeta Johnson, or just Dr. Zeeta as she preferred. I could tell Hope and baby girl would be in good hands with her. There was just something so pleasant and gracious about her that made me feel safe knowing two of my most prized possessions would be cared for by her.

“And I’m thankful to have you here honey. Your aunt hasn’t stopped talking about you two, so really, I’ve been very excited to meet you. I’m going to take good care of you and your little blessing, I can certainly promise you that.” She smiled encouragingly before turning to exit the room. Once she shut the door, my gaze shifted to Hope who was now lying there, staring at a 3D sienna colored ultrasound picture that Dr. Zeeta had given her.

“Are you completely happy with this decision?” Her voice was soft and mild, gentle enough to have me staring at her almost in a daze. But, I was thrown off by her question…

“What?”

“We’re having a baby in less than two months. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted?” Her face looked so pleasant and surprisingly, she didn’t even look like she was gonna cry… which I was expecting, based on the questions she’d just asked and the tone of her voice.

My brows furrowed and I sighed… I didn’t even know if I was really supposed to answer that or not… I didn’t know if she was really serious.

“I’m happy.”

“Is this what you wanted?” She repeated, this time smiling. I nodded as I stood and slowly made my way closer to her. Her left hand extended in search of mine and when I gripped hers, she pulled me even closer and planted my hand flat against her still exposed belly.

“Yes, I’m happy… and this is what I wanted.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hope, I…” She was truly leaving me at a loss for words because I didn’t understand where this was coming from, “I want this more than anything in life… you know that.”

Her smile spread even wider and I stared at her perfectly straight, white teeth as they nibbled into the center of her bottom lip “I know… I just really like to hear you say it, the way you do.”

“What do you mean?” I chuckled.

Her silly grin remained as she slowly guided my hand around the smooth surface of her belly “I don’t know… I just like to hear you talk. Everything you say sounds so… good.”

I was blushing big time and thought my face would either permanently turn red or I would just pass out. I wasn’t even completely sure how to respond to that, so I just stood there smirking as she slid her hand up my arm and used it to pull herself up.

“Can I have a kiss?” My heart froze, or sped up, hell I wasn’t even really sure because before I knew it she was tugging me down to her and her cozy lips were pressed sweetly against mine. This girl was gonna be the death of me!

Hope said she wanted chicken fries and a vanilla milk shake from Burger King and French fries from McDonald’s, so that’s where we went after her appointment. I think I was more excited than anyone could ever understand to cater to her during her pregnancy. Call me weird, but I’d always envisioned this very moment… me pulling up to the window at a drive-thru, collecting whatever she craved from the menu all because she was carrying my child. Whatever she said she wanted, I’d go to the ends of the earth and beyond to get it just to see her happy… because that’s exactly what made me happy.

I sat with her now on the couch in her aunt’s den. Her feet were propped up in my lap and she stretched comfortably along the length of it with her back propped against a few pillows and her variety of food items, which included a chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookie from McDonald’s, laid out on pillow. I ordered food for myself and simply propped it up on the thick arm of the couch because I wouldn’t dare have her move her feet… I was the one who conned her into resting them in my lap in the first place.

We ate together in a comfortable silence with the action-packed sounds of Captain America: Civil War playing in the background. And this was completely ideal for me… home with her, watching movies and pigging out, because that’s what she wanted to do.

“Hey, baby daddy…” I turned to face her and nearly choked with laughter at the silly grin plastered on her face, “I just love how that sounds.”

“You’re so silly.” I chuckled, quickly swallowing down a mouthful of food.

“You never told me how your birthday was.” She blurted randomly.

“It was alright.”

“Did you do anything special?”

Thinking back to that day, my twentieth birthday, a regular Friday for me because I wasn’t too keen on making a big deal of it, I smirked at the thought.

“Not really. Just dinner that my mom insisted on dragging me to. Tootie was there, and your aunt, and the crew… and Mrs. Jimenez brought Jaylen.”

“Well that’s good…”

She didn’t say anything after that and I quickly turned to face her. The expression on her face looked so… distraught. Like she was stuck somewhere between confused and upset and that worried me.

“Hey, did I say something wrong?” I asked, biting into my bottom lip nervously as my heart raced unnecessarily.

She shook her head and sighed, glancing over at me with that same twisted expression “Sorry to change the subject, but… I kinda wanted to talk to you about that.”

My brows furrowed with confusion and I stared at her, waiting to hear what it was she wanted to talk about.

“That whole thing with Gabby… I don’t know, I don’t want to make a big deal of it. It’s just that the last time we talked about her, I could tell you were pretty upset about the whole situation. And… it upset me to know that you were upset.”

“I didn’t mean to make you upset…” “No,” She said, quickly shaking her head, “You didn’t upset me… she upset me. The whole thing upset me, not you Charlie. I didn’t like the thought of her attacking you the way she did. And I don’t like the thought of her thinking it’s okay to speak to you that way or just loosely toss threats at you whenever she wants. That wasn’t right and… if you don’t mind, I would really like to speak to her about that.”

“I… I don’t know if that would be a good idea Hope…”

“I just want to talk to her Chris. Obviously, me and you are in this for the long run and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon… I feel like it’s kind of my duty to protect you, just as much as you’ve always been there to protect me.”

I stared at her, perhaps too long and too hard because she eventually sighed and turned to face the TV. I didn’t understand, why I guess… why she felt the need to protect me. I mean, I knew I was nothing special, but clearly she didn’t and I didn’t want her going through any trouble for me because I honestly didn’t even feel like I was worth it.

“I just don’t get why you’d want to protect me. I’m not worth that effort Hope.” I muttered pitifully and finally dropped my gaze down to my lap.

I could feel her eyes on me now and I heard her soft grunt as she carefully shifted herself around on the couch to get closer to me. I didn’t bother to face her, even when I felt her petite hand slither up along the back of my neck.

“You don’t mean that… you can’t. You are worth more than the last breath in my body Chris… look at me.”

I didn’t look at her because I couldn’t look at her because I suddenly felt way too depressed. Her nails grazed along the skin of my neck and up into my hair, then I felt her right hand tickling my chin and she gently turned my head so I had no choice but to face her. But I refused to open my eyes… I refused to let her see the emotional pot she was stirring within me.

“Look at me…”

I shook my head slowly, feeling myself slipping further into my dark pit of despair. God, I hated these illnesses… I hated how much they controlled my life now and how fast they could send me spiraling in one emotional direction or another. It’d never been this way before. I’d only recently been diagnosed, but my illnesses had obviously been with me most of my life… so why was I now suddenly getting so caught in my feelings all the damn time?

“I’m not a good dad Hope,” I whispered, eyes still closed like a little boy hiding from his worst fears, “I’m not worth it.”

I felt it then, one of my biggest fears and insecurities that I’d only recently discovered in the last year… she dropped her right hand down to my left wrist and lifted it right up to her face. My eyes shot open and I quickly sniffled, because I felt the heated tears ready to force their way out at any second. My lips were parted and I could feel my chest heaving with desperation, but I was completely frozen in time… unable to do nothing more than sit there and watch her.

She held my wrist delicately in her hand, close to her mouth so that I could feel the warmth of her breath tickling my damaged skin. In almost slow motion, she leaned in closer and pressed her soft, sweet lips against my skin. She pecked it over and over, her lips dancing over the ugly ridges that were still clear as day through my tattoos.

“You are worth it…” She whispered and pecked, “You are a phenomenal man, an extraordinary father, and you are worth it.”

For the first time since I’d left the marks there because I didn’t think I was worth it and I didn’t think I deserved my life, I felt… worthy. In the eyes of the one person in the entire universe I cared most about, I was worthy. I meant something to someone, and it was her… I meant something to Hope. It hit me like a freight train just how selfish I’d been to come so close to an unnecessary death and I felt a wave of regret and nausea.

Easing my arm out of her grasp, I shifted my hand up to her cheek and down to the cusp of her neck and jaw, the same way she loved to hold me… the same way I loved for her to hold me. Gently tilting her head forward, I leaned a bit closer to her and pressed my lips against her forehead.

“Tell me again.” I muttered,

“You are worth it Charlie… you’re a beautiful man, you’re my beautiful man, and you are worth it.”

I smiled… shut my eyes and grinned then told her not to stop. It was like pure sizzling gold pouring from her lips. It was the injection of life that I needed to survive. She was meant for me and I for her… because she believed I was worth it.

#chrisbrown #chrisbrownff #chrisbrownfanfic #jasminesanders #chrisbrownfanfiction #jasminesandersff #teambreezy #teambreezyff #fanfiction #fanfic

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marlettwrites · 6 years ago

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11/11/11 Tag Game

Rules: answer eleven (11) questions, tag eleven (11) people, and ask eleven (11) questions.

Thanks to @practising-writer for the tag!

1. Do you imagine what your WIP would look like as a movie?

I see it more as an animated show in my head. It’s really hard for me to picture the characters as like... real people? If that makes sense? I view and treat them as people when I’m writing and creating them, but I can’t picture my characters with actual human faces, you know? My brain doesn’t go into that level of detail. Lol.

2. What character archetype do you like most?

I’d have to say the morally grey antagonist. Love me some inner conflict about doing the ‘right thing’.

3. How do you feel when you know that you have to write a scene where your protag suffers?

Kinda sad, and kinda proud because I know he’ll survive and then use it to grow stronger as a person. Sometimes. Spoilers. Shhh.

4. What’s your favorite genre to read and write?

Ooof, I gotta say fantasy? I love writing fantasy. And I love reading urban fantasy specifically. Sci-fi is also great to read.

5. Who is your favorite character of all time? (Can be a book, TV show, movie, video game, any medium really)

Urrghhh don’t make me pick!

I’m going to seem really self-centered with this, but I have to say Jude is my favorite character. I came up with him about 5 years ago and I love the guy to death.

6. What do you do to set yourself in a writing mood?

I close out every tab on my computer that isn’t Google Docs or Spotify, put on the playlist of the POV character I’m working with, and then I force myself to stare at the page until I can put the words down.

Sometimes I look away from the screen and stare off into space. I always have to imagine the scene in my head before I write it, and I can’t do that if I’m looking at where the scene is supposed to go.

7. What lessons, if any, do you want readers to learn from your WIP?

Oof, rolling out the toughies, eh?

In all seriousness, I want readers to come away with a better understanding of LGBTQ+ people and the struggles we face. For my LGBTQ+ readers with parents or friends who are homo/transphobic, I want them to come away knowing that there is nothing wrong with them. I want them to be able to feel safe and secure in their identities.

If said homophobic parents/friends somehow make it through my gay as hell series, I want them to be able to open their eyes to how painful it is to be raised in an environment where your sexuality is treated like a disease. Maybe they’ll learn to be more open minded. Maybe they’ll find my social media and curse at me. I look forward to it either way.

This is getting long, but there are some other things, so I’ll just uh...

-People with disabilities have feelings and talents of their own, so y’know... treat them like actual people. The golden rule is key, my dudes.

-Women don’t have to be physically strong in order to be strong people.

-Sometimes people have medical issues that prevent them from losing weight, no matter how much they exercise or what foods they eat. Some people just have a softer body type. They are still beautiful and still valid. Be kind.

-Obligatory don’t judge a book by its cover lesson.

8. Which mythology do you like?

Egyptian always. Hindu mythology is also super interesting.

9. If you met one of your OCs in real life for the first time, what would you do? (Pick any specific OC you like)

I pick Hathor. Art buddies for life!

I’d show her my paintings and ask her to teach me how to sculpt. I’d show her the pottery wheel I got for Christmas a few years ago and maybe we’d figure out how to work it together.

10. Favorite time of the day to write?

Midnight to like 3AM. It’s so quiet and there are no distractions.

11. What is your favorite story of all time? (Again, can be a book, TV show, movie, video game, etc.)

I really love the Ash Mistry book series (it’s like Percy Jackson, but with Hindu mythology and the monsters bleed. Oh my gods do they bleed). So I’d have to say that one is my favorite.

I actually came away from the series feeling so much more appreciative of my family and my life, and honestly, it was the first time I’ve ever felt anything like that after reading a book.

So yeah. 15/10, would absolutely recommend.

Tagging: @ephemeralseraph, @lemon-i-scream, @quilloftheclouds, @queenie-dragon, @whywritewhenyoucansleep, @plutocoeurwrites, @somuchtowrite, @pens-swords-stuff

My Questions for y’all!

1. What book has most inspired you to write? (could also be a tv show, podcast, song, whatever!)

2. What do you like to listen to while you write?

3. Favorite genre to read and/or write?

4. What are five aesthetic things for your WIP? (sounds, smells, feelings, colors, whatever floats your boat)

5. How did you come up with the idea for your WIP?

6. What initially inspired the creation of your MC(s)?

7. Do any of your characters have pets? If so, what are they?

8. Are there any tropes that you absolutely despise?

9. What are the main themes of your WIP?

10. What motivates your antagonist (or if it’s man vs nature, how did your protag get stuck in their sticky sitch)?

11. If your MC were to buy ice cream, what flavor would they get? (I had to finish it off with a fun one)

#11/11/11 tag #writing #my writing #my characters #marlett #marlettwrites #wip #novel #my wip #my novel

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novarasalas · 6 years ago

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Second Look Review: Lion’s Pride 1 & 2

Part 1

So, this is it. The final battle for Earth. Everything that’s happened this season has been preparing us for this very moment.

I’m sweating, guys.

This is nonstop action. So many things are happening at once. So many bad things are happening to the protagonists at once.

I’ve heard the showrunners say several times now that this series is a call back to all the mecha shows from the past, and that’s it’s made for the fans of those shows. I’ve heard plenty of people talk about how nostalgic it makes them, and how it reminds them of watching the shows they used to love.

I was too young for the original run of Voltron, though, and I never really had access to other shows like Macross.

So, I understood in principle, but that same feeling didn’t hit me until these two episodes.

And now I'm’ going to talk about myself for a bit.

---

I can’t even tell you the feeling I was overcome with the first time I watched The Power Rangers. It’s 1993, I’ve been 7 years old for three days, it’s Saturday, and my mind has just been blown. I can’t tell you what it was about the show, but all I knew was that I wanted to be a Power Ranger very, very badly. I can’t, though. But at least I can make believe every Saturday morning.

Difficulty: I’m a girl. Girls aren’t supposed to like things like that. Martial arts, weapons, fighting? Inappropriate!

So, as my first act of rebellion, I became a wholly dedicated fan to this weirdly , edited-for-american-audiences sentai show.

I still have that guitar riff stuck in my head. It plays for me when I do things that my parents would find...unladylike.

So, from that day on, my love of mecha shows was on. My parents eventually relented, and I treasured the one action figure we could afford. It was the pink ranger, of course.

But I eventually grew out of my Power Rangers phase, and for years that love lay dormant. Sure, there were other shows out there, animated and live action, but I had no way of getting to them.

Then we got cable, which had Cartoon Network. And Cartoon Network had Toonami.

I was 13 years old, staying up past midnight to watch only-lightly-censored anime, and every night my mind was blown.

Gundam Wing was my drug of choice.

And if my parents hated me watching the Power Rangers, they absolutely despised me watching this.

Despite the protagonists all being 15 years old, Gundam Wing was a mature story. It told of the hells of war, sacrifice, desperation, politics, romance?, and so many other things. It was so very cool.

My parents eventually relented on this, too. I still have the models they bought me.

I was waaaaayyy too into Gundam Wing. I threw myself headlong into the fandom, consuming every fanwork I possibly could. I spent hours going through Geocities web rings trying to find worthwhile fanfiction and fan art (my fave pairing was 1x2, btw.)

Eventually, I came to realize: this show is actually kinda boring. there’s no humor in it. It just...wasn't interesting to me anymore. It was my thing for years, and then suddenly...I was over it.

But it still holds a special place in my heart.

And I told you all of that to tell you this:

The space battles in these episodes remind of of the finale of Gundam Wing.

I felt a good bit of nostalgia, something that doesn't hit me very often. It was nice.

And that nostalgia reminded me of my first rebellion, when I as a girl liked epic space battles and giant combining mechs and nothing was going to take that away from me.

In a way, I still feel like I’m rebelling. And you know what? Being bad still feels so good.

I’m happy to have this show.

- - -

Atlas, known in Greek mythology, held the Earth upon his shoulders. That’s the story these days, anyway. The original myth is that he held up the celestial spheres, in which the stars and planets resided. He’s holding it all up, is what I’m saying.

It’s very easy to see Shiro in all of this. He’s the leader of Earth’s forces, and is part of the last line of defense against Sendak. That’s a lot of responsibility. And he takes it all upon himself. He doesn’t hesitate to go to Sendak’s ship to disable it.

...could this guy be any more of a hero?

But we can’t forget about the ship Atlas, or it’s crew

This thing is a beast, and has no right being so powerful. And without the ship, and without the crew to maneuver it into position to block the cannons, the Earth would have been done for. They didn’t do this because Shiro ordered them to.

Shiro may be the face of the Atlas, but the ship would be nothing without it’s crew.

Back to Shiro now.

This fight he has with Sendak is...just insane. It’s so raw and personal, I almost felt like maybe I should avert my eyes.

But I won’t, for reasons.

Quick question: How are either of them surviving this fall? They’re on the outside of a ship thats falling through the atmosphere, without helmets, and fighting. It’s a sight to behold, for sure, but it’s a bit much.

I’ll let it go, thought, just like I’ll let go the fact that the falling ship hit terminal velocity and didn’t leave a 100 mile wide crater.

I have to ignore that, because Shiro is defeated. And then this happens:

Keith first killed the two pirates in the third episode, then Macidus in the sixth. Before that, none of the Paladins had been shown to kill anyone. I’m still sad about it, in a way. But...better Sendak, than Shiro.

This all seems very symbolic. Everyone seems to have their own ideas about what exactly it means.

In part, I would say this is another moment of Keith never giving up on Shiro. It’s not even about repaying his debt to him; you could argue that that debt was paid in full with interest a long time ago.

Keith knows how much Shiro has been hurt. From here on out, he’s going to make sure that no one ever hurts Shiro again.

As for people saying that Shiro should have been to one to kill Sendak….

I think that the less he has to fight, to kill, to call back those days in the arena, the more he can heal from the trauma of being The Champion.

- - -

So that’s dealt with. Sendak’s dead. Earth is safe.

How’s everyone feeling?

….ugh...stop that...lol.

Ok, whatever. Let’s go home.

Mmm..yeah. This may as well happen.

Part 2

This fight is really something.

First off, I couldn’t help but think that this mech looks like Livia sas Junius from Final Fantasy XIV.

Everything about this fight is terrifying and frustrating. They just won, and for the first time this season, too! And now they’re losing again.

We see now again what was proven in season 6: Voltron was once the most powerful thing in the universe. But time does this funny thing of marching on, and things tend to change along the way.

Speaking of changing…

Shiro experiences stress-induced-mech building.

This whole process is amazing. The animation, the music, the timing...everything! Paired with the fact that I had no idea this was going to happen, I was blown away.

And we have no idea how or why this is happening. Could it be the Castleship crystal they installed in the ship? Is it the gem powering his arm? Could it be both? We definitely get some centering shots on those two items as the transformation happens.

Before, we’d been told that the comet ore had be the catalyst for Voltron’s indescribable abilities. But the Atlas is made from Earth materials, save for the new crystal.

Is it Shiro himself?

We don’t know what’s really happening with him. From Haggar’s experiments on him, to being trapped within Voltron’s quintessence, to being pulled away from the Black Lion and placed into a new physical form, a lot of magical hoodoo voodoo has been happening to him.

And let’s not forget: Haggar was most likely using him, in someway, to enter Oriande.

So, why did the Atlas transform? Because Shiro. I don’t know why, or how, but it couldn’t have happened with anyone else.

And with this new creation, he’s going to save his friends. Or...he’ll try to.

Now, for as much as I love the concept of the Atlas, I have a bit of a complaint.

So, I’m watching this thing transform, and everything is light and wonder. And then..I saw it:

Shiro, probably: Fine! I’ll make my own Voltron! With blackjack! And hookers!

….

Have you ever been watching something and you feel all things at once?

That’s how I felt.

At first, it was like:

then I was like

and then it was back to

Then I paused the show and did the dishes.

Friends, I hate to say this, but...I don’t like how the Atlas looks. At all.

That transformation sequence had me high on wonder, but when it finished, I crashed back down, hard.

No amount of “ooo she thicc” jokes are gonna save me on this one.

...look at it’s legs!

And what really gets me is that it threw me off so much, that I kinda checked out for the rest of the episode. That’s why these are the Second Look Reviews; because I was being too ridiculous the first time to appreciate them.

I’ve gotten over it at this point, but I was feeling an all consuming “what the hell did I just witness?” at the time.

--- -

Back to it, though.

Shiro transformed that whole damn ship on his own. He saw his friends in danger and he just...did that.

And it was enough to distract the enemy, but not enough.

Thankfully, Voltron was there to save the day.

And then…

Look, this was stressful. You know they’re going to make it; there’s another season left, for god’s sake! And Voltron, while dramatic and sometimes sad, is a hopeful story.

Our heroes can’t die, not now, not like this.

But they don’t know that.

The transition to the funeral, with the lions in the background, was a cruel, cruel fakeout. The emotion in Shiro’s voice here really made me think for a second that maybe they’d actual, ya know...done it.

But it’s ok.

Everyones ok.

And now, there’s the hope.

The entire universe is coming together to help the Paladins rebuild their home. The team has done so much for the universe, and have nearly sacrificed everything doing so (several times at this point).

This is the good ending. It’s happy, it’s uplifting.

It’s not ending.

---

In summary:

It’s all intense battles and wild nostalgia. These episodes were beautifully put together, from scripting to animation to voice acting.

But just when things were nice and understandable, we get more questions. Questions that I can only hope we get answers to.

Next up: I’ve got a review summary coming up. I’ll talk about my thoughts on this season, the series as a whole, and discuss a few things about next season.

And I took this screenshot

it doesn't have anything to do with my review, but I noticed that curl on the side of Lance’s face. It’s cute. I wanted to share.

#second look review #voltron #voltron legendary defender #shiro #shiro vld #keith #keith vld #hunk vld #lance vld #lance #allura #pidge #long post

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simmer-for-hire-blog · 6 years ago

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Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

#non sims #mental illness tw #self-harm tw #suicide tw

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renewingagain · 3 years ago

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sunday 27th june 2021 // 4:18pm

everything hurts atm

my anxiety is getting really bad Papa and i really don't know why there is this constant pit of 'eurgh' in my stomach

there are so many issues that i need to work out in my life, as mae says in feel good my brain feels like 'empty mismatched boxes of tupperware and their lids just tumbling around in my head like a tumble dryer' or something like that. RELATE !!!!!

what is it that is supposedly wrong in my life? because:

i have a job. granted its not great, but i have one

i'm (currently) living for very cheap with people who are looking after me

i have some friends. not many, but some

but there are people who love me and care about me

i'm physically in good health. i have no disease, no ailments. i'm not physically disabled, i don't have cancer or anything (sorry i'm just watching Clouds and the guy has cancer in it)

but mentally, im in such a bad place i feel

these are the things i am always worrying about:

- work, i get scared that i'll do the wrong thing or when customers shout at me / complain, i can never find a good resolution for them. plus the hours ARE so long

- sex. i worry that im not desirable enough, that i don't have a great body. i worry because i didn't sleep around enough. because i had phimosis it was something to work through but now i have performance anxiety. even though i find (whoever) attractive it just won't really work but i don't know why. do i really want to fuck them?

whenever i hear of guys having a lot of sex, or talk about how they had a lot of sex in the past because they could, or that they can even fuck someone, i get really jealous and also feel loser-ish because i can't seem to do that right now. it feels really embarassing, but i don't always just wanna bottom! don't get me wrong, i love it but i know how good it feels and wanna give that to other guys. especially if i end up in a relationship.

relationship - how on god's green earth is this going to work when this time comes. who do i even want? how will this work with my family (namely mum) and things like church? people that i know? even though some of my family are fine with it, it would still be weird introducing them to my cousins or whatever. i don't truly know how they all feel about it and i don't want to be looked at differently.

what about when it comes to marrying a guy? i don't want that day to be filled with dread and anxiety, what if my mum or my bibi or people don't want to come because they don't support it? like that is so hurtful isn't it. this cruel divide between sexuality and some religions. but maybe it will be filled with this feeling. although mum doesn't really treat me bad for it, i can't ever see her warming up to the idea of me marrying a man as she is quite religious. and i absolutely do not want whoever i'm seeing to feel like they can't be a part of my family, or feel as though some people in my family see them as evil. i couldn't bring that to the person i love.

insecurity - we have mentioned bodily insecurity and feeling undesirable, but i feel like this sort of applies in every day life too with just anyone that i meet. sometimes i just feel really lame? and i've literally forgotten how to socialise too. i never know what to talk about with people, i feel like i've always ran out of things to say. i'm not entirely into most things that people are into like general TV or movies. i always feel really awkward and socially stunted. i never used to be this way so i don't know where this has come from. anxiety really comes into play here, but i honest to God (u lol) don't know why and i can't pinpoint it.

MUSIC - this sucks atm. i can't sing the way i used to, and it's not like im doing dreamflower anymore as that kinda no longer exists. i can't songwrite or anything, and i know things can be done about this and it just takes a lot of trying. but i'm so wiped out. from dealing with mental health issues i just don't have the energy to pursue this anymore, which is such a shame as it really brought me such joy, but i don't know what to do with this anymore. i'm not even singing in church either

church - i'm not going to church anymore, i really don't like it. it feels so superficial and same-y, it feels like people in church are just wrapped up in their emotions, a good feeling. hype. church used to be such a big part of my life, but i can't bear it anymore. it doesn't help with the gay stuff either. but i don't want to go to a church where it's just worship and a cute sunday message, that doesn't help me in my walk as a christian or my relationship with God at all, it's just a nice feeling that then just passes by and that's it. it's pointless for me at this point.

God - where are u man? i don't even know who you are or if you are real or how to approach you. i guess maybe this is the biggest thing? but it's also the most underlying so i don't know how to deal with this. i don't know where to begin. it feels like such a chore to strike this relationship up again or to just approach you. i don't know what to do if you are not real. i need you but i need you to reveal yourself to me.

what am i to do with all of this? it's all so much for my heavy heart to bear. i feel emotion so deeply within me, and i don't know what to do with all this. where do i start? who can i process this with? do i need to see a counsellor? i'm scared to share how i truly feel with people as they will probably think i am weird.

but at the same time, i know what i kinda want to do in life.

"Your purpose is to help others and love" is what my current phone background says, and it's very true. i just have to love people because people deserve love, and i do not need to get anything from it. as zach said in clouds "I just wanna make people happy" like that is literally me. people deserve joy and love.

having said this, why am i not applying this to myself? why don't i love myself? i think i am a very special person and rejection shouldn't phase me, but it does. annoyingly i have periods where i do feel this way and everything feels a bit clearer, but then these are fleeting and i soon feel bad again.

the worst is when i wake up in the morning. i have a brief few seconds of feeling normal, and then, just dread and anxiety. "oh it's just another day of nothingness and sans-meaning" i tell myself, and i just have to get through. what is the point, truly?

furthermore, i don't understand why when i have a drink or smoke some weed, i then just feel normal? i don't feel my problems or anything in my head, i feel still. why must i rely on that to make me feel better? why can't i just feel normal? i don't want to become a weed addict, as smoking is not good for you. i don't understand. am i really ill or something? am i NOT right in the head? do i have an anxiety disorder that i've never been made aware of before or is a recent development?

maybe i should see a doctor or call the employee assistance program. but my god i am so sad. i simply do not know what to do.

G (me and u) we need a game plan. we need to fix this. i should not be living like this.

i really need to love myself and just take it easy. but please help me god, if you are there, otherwise i don't know what to do.

g, you have to understand that you are dealing with so much that i guess not many people deal with (well, there probably are, but who wants to be vocal about all this hey?) but i know i need to be the strong one.

going back to the church and LGBT, i say this so many times but there must be so many LGBT+ kids like myself who share these expereiences to an extent, and to be shut off from the church where they should supposedly find comfort? unacceptable. this is something that I must change as it's really not fair. maybe my whole life will become a research project into this. LGBT people deserve far better than what they have had.

God, i literally cannot do this without you. i guess it all revolves around you at the end of the day.

help.

note to self: start drafting a game plan. use sticky notes by your bed to remind yourself like you used to. but also don't always be so deep, take it easy and enjoy your life man.

- G

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